#I was the youngest last night
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#my next crochet project is going to be for ME!#I got started on it last night at knitting group#the good: the yarn is very soft and the pattern looks straightforward if a little challenging#the bad: the yarn splits like crazyyyy#as for knitting group: there were eight of us!#the four ladies I first met plus one of the foundational members#another woman I've never met before whose name I did not catch#and the sweet old lady who first came last week#I was the youngest last night#unfortunately the larger group made it harder to hold onto one topic long enough to get some funny anecdotes#I wrote down a quote but I misplaced it lol#several of us had to keep bringing Jane (the other newbie) back into the conversation because the one crotchety lady kept interrupting#truly the funniest drama#it's so low-key I love it
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good morning terror nation i am not over the fact that james fairholme is barely 2 years older than me when he went on that shit show of an expedition as a lieutenant, like all of you said in the tags HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN AT THE CLURB!!
#like me last night#i might have found my husband there#or maybe he was just wearing a navy blue trenchcoat to an indoor party but thats beside the point#also love how graham is the oldest lieutenant at 36/37 and hes the one who looks the youngest in the show#the terror#the terror amc#graham gore#james walter fairholme#froggerart
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Imagine being Tina The Bear and making a mid career pivot into the horrific world of restaurant work solely because the owner is charming and then that guy kills himself and you’re stuck working for his bratty brother who has to think about all of his traumas before he cooks every single day
#I just watched that episode last night and I can’t stop thinking about this lmao#I’m not anti Carmy but like…that guy is a classic youngest sibling#tina marrero#the bear
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life comes at you so fast
#tw personal#tw death#tw cancer#not my usual silly goofy post but it’s hard to remain that way when there’s a lot weighing on your mind#cancer sucks#and it’s unfair how quickly it can take people from us#one moment they seem fine and the next they’re in the icu with a week left to live#he passed two nights ago#i wasn’t planning to post about it but i have the tendency to disassociate from my grief#so here i am instead of wherever the hell!#it’s heartbreaking because he and his wife weren’t just my mum’s bosses - they were long-time friends#i have clear childhood memories of playing at their house with their son#his youngest child is only 3 years old#as soon as he found out he started giving his final messages to his staff#obviously nobody wants to die in that situation#but you could feel how much he *wanted to live*#when i was told about his death it was in the morning and it didn’t feel real#every time i had seen him in the last year he always had a smile on his face#it’s always been hard for me to deal with the prospect of death#and understand how fragile life is#how REAL mortality is#it hits even harder when it happens to someone who was so FULL of life#sighs#life comes at you fast#sometimes in all directions and in every possible and testing way imaginable#i’ve been trying to write and feel any sense of normalcy this evening but for a multitude of reasons i have a sinking feeling in my stomach#sometimes when i’m upset i try recycle the feeling into excitement or happiness over something else#yeah … i can’t really do that tonight#apologies if my energy is bleh. hold your loved ones close. now i return you to my regular scheduled programming
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every now and then i experience brief moments of self-awareness telling me to make major changes to the fusionsprunt story
#queue#maybe it has to do with this need of visualizing it as an actual tv show. it's not necessarily a bad thing#it's so much fun to question what would happen if a specific part was rewritten or twisted into smth else. how would it work and all#for example. i've been thinking. what if Hunter was an actual robot? how does his interaction with Exocannis and B2 change bcs of it? :0#i dont think that part will be rewritten but it's an interesting possibility#one thing i wanted to change is Gideon's lore though!#the way he disregards B2 doesn't sit right w me (and ig it didn't with everyone else who read the lore)#also! there's not much info about his childhood. it was nice until BOO TRAUMAAA.#overall i wanted to introduce him some other way. the way Gideon Rigell would do!#perhaps with a little comic? a loose dialogue in an artwork of sorts#comparing him to who he is currently is like going. wow! good job buddy ur getting better! but also you should probably seek therapy...#as for B2. i have some ideas.#some times i enjoy exploring new designs in which she looks VERY non-human or has some sort of non-human mentality#a true alien!#i wanna redesign her siblings and make all of them have an 'x' somewhere in their names#what if Beatrix had 4 siblings? what if she was the 'youngest'? what if they were all created by the same person#a person who was responsible for their creation but who also treated them like their own children#some kind of enthusiastic visionary with a passion for robotics who genuinely cared for machines. even 'mindless' ones#Also B2's relation to the Holloway Comet#like no. that's the. that's The Mother. that's the mother guys that's UNQUESTIONABLE#im talking about Monument Mythos vibes yknow. about giant n terrifying monuments/objects#i'm also cooking up ideas for comics focused solely on Bee#oneshots of sorts.... i should probably start sketching......#why am i having good ideas when i barely slept last night HSBWYSBWHDBHQHASSHHA#starbstalks
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Heads up - i will not be very active on here or discord until after 12/13 bc i have finals for 6 classes coming up AND two puppies that need complete potty training (and training in general). And we just got our new (adult) cat and my cats are being buttheads about it so theres that
AKA im just Drained and severely Overwhelmed and on the verge of a breakdown every night lmfao 🫠
#never thought id have a day where im working#while studying#while cleaning up dog piss#simultaneously#yet here we are#SIIIGHS#had to take remove the youngest puppy's stitches last night on top of it all but she was AMAZING for it#my first time :')#like im going to school to be a nurse ive been taught just never practiced and i was so paranoid id hurt her#bc when my stitches in my foot were taken out they hurt like a BITCH bc the skin had grown over them almost completely#&& m speaks
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This is a difficult post for me to make, but to anyone whos commissioned me and is waiting on it, it may take a little longer than I wanted. My cat, Sammy, passed away last night and its really taking a toll on me and my mental health. Its difficult to work through but I'll be doing my best. Thank you for the patience so far with it all, and I'm sorry to ask for more of that patience. Thank you for understanding. Let me know if theres any issues regarding the wait, sorry again.
#cant guarantee ill be on top of my game. yknow#he passed in my arms#he was well loved but he was sick and there wasnt much else we could do#its been weighing heavy on me since he got sick but having him pass in my arms on the way to the vet was horrible. i cant#even begin to express how devastated i am. he was my baby. my youngest cat. but he always had health issues yknow?#i guess it was inevitable but it all feels like a bad dream#idk. sorry guys#im used to death. used to grieving. but it still doesnt feel real. or right#the last time we experienced a pet death was for our realllly old childhood dog. she lived a long time#my sammers was so young.#he deserved so much more time. he was so loving and sweet. and he had little fangs and tufts on his ears.#and hed lay over my boots when i came in the room. hed curl up against my legs and purr like a motor.#hed always be making biscuits when he saw people. with his big paws. they felt so big compared to his long lanky little body.#misha and rin (our other two cats that were around him most) have been laying with me for hours. rin slept on me all night#misha slept in sammys cat bed. like he knew#idk. im sorry#ig ill tag this for any triggers#pet death#animal death#sorry.again thank you all for being patient with me. i have unending guilt. im sorry#seraph.txt#if anyone has questions or comments youre welcome to comment or reach out. ill try and reach out too.sorry
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man i thought i moved out to escape my family but it turns out i've jumped from the pan into the fire because holy shit my guys what the fuck??
#at least at home we have people competent enough to not flush wet wipes and tampons down the toilet#let alone FOOD???#and we don't leave our dishes out for so long by the sink that they start to RUST#like ok my lil brothers make a mess sometimes and accidentally shat on the floor a few times but at least they're fucking children why tf#should i deal with shit water because of your incompetence#and yknow i can deal with noise. im the noisiest at night at home b/c i always go shower late but im not fucking SCREECHING and chatting#so loudly you'd think i was at a concert or some shit#and this bitch?? can't comprehend i just want to not have crumbs all over the couch???#like girl. how did this become a slight against you. why would i ask you to keep the couch clean b/c you slept there once or twice#BITCH I CLEANED THE COUCH COVER ON MY OWN DIME *BECAUSE* I KNEW YOU MIGHT SLEEP THERE AGAIN & WANTED IT TO BE CLEAN FOR YOU#YOU NOT ONLY INSULT ME BUT ENTIRELY MISCONSTRUE MY KINDNESS TOWARDS YOU??? WHY WOULD IT BE DIRTY B/C YOU SLEPT THERE???#you can't make this shit up i hate having roommates holy hell#only slightly made up for by the fact i get a room to myself these days#the other one smells like weed all the time and the other other one doesnt wash her hands properly after using the toilet + keeps her dishe#out by the sink + doesn't pick her hair up#also i'm the youngest so that's just even sadder#i was also the youngest last year and bitch. you have no idea#this is what being the eldest sibling does to a mf#not really related but they made the ugliest doormat ever i wish i had been there to stop them from that atrocity#and why do they not take their shoes off. girl i mop the floors like every 2 weeks#it's fucking clean trust me just take them off bitch#am i being holier than thou? probably but fucking DESERVED#i can't be taking care of people two years older than me like this. yall have too much fucking drama
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"Dr. Osamu doesn't want to drink this... it.. smells like green."
"Your green tea... smells like green?"
"Yeah.."
#booze babe; (ic)#little boy blue; (ic)#went to a jpn steakhouse last night for my moms bday#and i cant get this exchange out of my head from the family that was sitting next to us (the mom and her youngest son)#i need you to understand that the mom said it like her soul left her body
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HAPPY DIA DE LAS MADRES !!! Happy Mexican's mothers day to all the mothers out there on this special day. For all the moms who do so much for not just their children, but for many of those around them. To the moms who love their kids, who do just about everything for their kids. To the bomb ass moms !!
#💥「 ✦ let loose from the noose ✦ 」 ooc#mobile#also i just woke up my youngest is sick and was crying allll last night
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i feel sick
#every time i think im over her#that she cant hurt me anymore#days like tuesday happen and i miss her so fucking much#i just want my mom#not this narcissist that replaced her when i was 11#i know she was like this before just to my dad#but i just want the mom that drove me to school every morning and took me to seaworld and the schools pta game night and did pizza fridays#i want to call her and hug her and have her tell me that its all going to be alright#but it wont#and that mom doesnt exist#maybe she never did#fuck i cant do this anymore#i was doing so fucking well#i was so fucking happy#why did she have to ruin it with her 40 essay-texts and email stalking?#and the boys are home now too#and i have to act like their mother didnt just force her way back into my life to bring up memories that make me want to claw my chest open#i have to act happy as my youngest brother gets his phone blown up with texts i know are from her#when i know that shes targeting him now that i left#like she did to me when my dad left her when i was 11#i cant do this anymore#i just cant#i cant spend my days throwing up in the school bathroom and crying myself to sleep and burying myself in shows to not feel anything real#i keep feeling like the other shoe is going to drop#that shes going to come to my college and tell her lies to everyone and ill lose all my friends and everyone who matters to me#and i cant even block her because she controls my fucking health insurance#the last time i talked to her she threatened to file for conservatorship#i cant do that
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Want desperately to draw, but sooooooo sick...
#sour speaks#i goy like no sleep last night#cough chills#fever and bad stomach cramps#my kids all crycled through it first#but of course the youngest is still as sick as i am#i wanna draw forkface being terrifying!!
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wailing at the sky I'm tired ! ! ! ! ! !
#just me hi#ik i'm testy rn and i should take a nap but ouuhhrrr#consistently on drives i've been just. dropping energy like nothing#like on the way to wherever i'm good i'm floating it's great. but then on the way back it's just. Bleugh kfshv#and then my legs get tired cuz i can't stretch !! i'm dyinggg out here#hate being tired. hate being sleepy. wish i could banish the neepy forever tbh#however the awesome embrace of sleep is pretty good so i guess it's a trade i'll have to be content with. sigh#wah. blah. bloo. ouhrr#//anyway let me tell you abt smth really nice now hfhvbsh :>#so i was just sitting down last night doing.. smth i don't rember lol and my youngest siblings come over like ':3 we have something for you#which is immediately suspicious and i was measuring the level of child-safe violence they were going to be subjected to lmao; but i asked#what it was and they handed me this little paper bag full of little bracelets and beads and hair clippies ????#and the bag said 'we appreciate your existence' And had oath's little symbol on the front dude are you KIDDING ME#if it wasn't for the fact i did not want to scare them i would have cried. it was very very sweet and i wish i wasn't so flat irl kfvshg#there were 2 bracelets n one of them says 'space buddy' (tears in funkin eyes) and the other one says 'pink space'#'pink space' has the 'ace' part highlighted Do You Understand What They've Done To Me#dude. dude. [<- big wet eyeballs staring at the horizon]#i need to like. hbwauhhhhhhhh#i love them so ??? i need to explode them asap lmfshvg#/anyway putting this here cuz i don't wanna forget kfhghfs#i don't think leo reads these tags so Lmaoo 💥 get 'Unknowing of Things'ed loser#//okey i'm gonna go melt into a puddle of ice cream now#oouuuu here i go... toodles lol :3
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i have a really nice friend
#this is the second night in a row she’s done this 😭😭#she lets me talk about greek mythology#and she gets some of it too!! yayyyyy#guys get this i talked for forever last night#and then tonight everybody was leaving dinner#and i thought she was leaving too so i got up#but she was just coming to sit next to me and she asked if i wanted to hang out#so we hung out for like 45 minutes just sitting at the caf table XD#anyways she’s very nice 😌#i kinda knew her last year but i knew her younger brother better#(he and i have the same birthday lol)#but i’ve started to get to know her and both her brothers a bit better this year#and it’s so great bc they’re so nice#idk the youngest brother as well bc he’s an engineering major#but he’s in honors with me#anyways i like the three of them a lot and i like the oldest sister bc she listens to me ramble ❤️#talk tag#riverpoint art#riverpointace college story corner
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God. One of my little sisters is such a bitch. She's done me some genuine damage in exacerbating my already social bad anxiety. But when I have dreams where she's been hurt or killed, it's so horrible bc she's still my lil sister :-(
#its bc last night my dad had a dream she was in a car wreck. he transferred that anxiety onto me#shes such a bitch tho.just like intolerant of things she doesnt understand. and she does not understand my unwell brain#i think she likes my youngest sistsr best now. which fair bc i do too but we used to be besties. we used to explore in the woods together#and play ellos and barbies and legos and poly pockets and magnets. and now we never text eachother. its sorta sad#its not just me tho. my youngest sister and i have a 4 year gap so we weren't really interacting much when were were little bc she was too#bby to me but shes such a genuinely lovely person now. shes a special ed and preschool teacher. i asked her mom how she ended up with both#of my sisters bc my middle sister is the most like entitled person i kno. like my parents r very generous and she doesnt think for a moment#about not accepthing things from them. she thinks shes owed that amd more. its so strange#and my mom was like. thank goodness i got the youngest bc otherwise id think something was wrong with me#im prob somewhere in the middle of them. my brain is just more fucked up so like im greatful but im struggling. theres not a ton of like#really obvious mental illness in my family tho. just here and there someone should b diagnosed and get a bit of help. my uncle is the only#other one who could possibly be bipo1ar but hes also got a lot of problems: severe adhd and possibly b0rderline. so it could just b that but#my dad says when u talk to him sometimes things just doent make sense bc hes had convos in his head wuth you so he thinks u kno already#idk. its interesting tho#unrelated
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#personal#weird ass dream i had last night....#i went to see baby [redacted] live for some reason. and my whole family is there too#i was younger too... maybe around 16? i mean the timeline doesn't make sense either#the youngest of them is like 9 years older than me. but that's how dreams work man#and they were singing shit. [redacted] and [redacted] close to each other and getting really into it#and then they just start making out and i throw a sly glance at my dad because boy oh boy#he's got this resilient look in the face like he's putting up with it for my sake and i was a bit baffled#like. this is beyond being gay as shit it's also [redacted]#at some point i just join them too.... they were close enough. not a lot of people in the crowd#i do it and it's not like hot or indulgent. it's just a way to placate just how fucking weird it seems lmfao#anyways this all came back to me because i was just listening to [redacted] and that's what they were singing on the dream#[redacted] got the bb5 and the ab5 of the climax and i was like oh. i didn't know you could do that...?#tenors make the world go round it's true#(you can put two and two together with enough info. i believe in you)#i also realize this is because White Guy mentioned three-way kisses at work. don't ask about context it's NOT interesting lol#hey more tags this is actually the second dream i have of them doing this kinda shit#except the other one was way funner and i was actually like 15 years old#i was one of them and trying to kill the other by seducing him#i also told that dream on my philosophy class on junior year because i was a fucking unhinged teenager
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