#I was struggling to contain myself a good chunk of this episode

[babacontainsmultitudes]

Willy: So here's a thought

Larry: Yeah what's up?

Willy: The law of thermodynamics states that energy can't be created or destroyed right?

Larry: [tiny laugh] ...Yes!!!

I can't be the only person who lost it at Beth's fucking delivery on that last line Larry the Science Kid you will never die

[woneuntonzz]

torn and folded .ᐟ (1/2)

📞 ; “respectfully, you're disgusting.”

𖹭 : bully!seunghan x bl reader, amab!reader

💭 you loved your free time in manga reading websites, not him though, he thinks you need your senses sorted out for you, and so he would...

⤷ contains: mlm pairing (this is pure fiction and is in no way

made to assume the idol's sexuality!!), angst, bullying,

homophobia towards mc (i myself have struggled with), fluff,

humor (kys/kms jokes), mention of other idol names for world

building

⤷ wc: 11.2k!! (not proofread :p)

-ˋˏ under the cut .ᐟ ✄┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈

Attraction has always been a tough concept that fiddled with your mind, and for years you found it hard to figure out where you lie in this aspect. For a while you thought you were just like every other guy, too afraid to fall for a girl. 

You would meet your best friend’s sister quite often whenever you visited their home. You’ve always thought she was so pretty, with such an innocent face and a sweet and wee voice. She was almost this perfect character, fair and bright, nearly unreal. She had such nice hair that fell like waterfalls, long and wispy lashes, plush, pink lips and eyes that took the shape of an almond. No wonder why she was the talk of the neighborhood —and she was just as beautiful on the inside as you saw her in her countenance. 

“You can have my umbrella, don’t worry about it —go home! and if your dad yells at you again, tell me. I’ll give you something special tomorrow.” —the sweetest girl, isn’t she? 

“Thank you, Chaeyoung.” 

She lent you her Hello Kitty umbrella, the cat imprinted all over the canopy, and her little bow on the handle. That day you were spared from your ill-tempered father, and Chaeyoung would never see that umbrella again.

The next day, you came back to their house, ecstatic to finally watch another episode of Slam Dunk on their tv.

“Hi Y/n!” —oh right, you were there to see Chaeyoung too. “Can you come to the kitchen real quick?” 

From a distance you could smell sugar cookies, freshly baked, hot out of the oven. The scent only led you to briskly nodding to her question, following closely behind her as you scuttled to the kitchen together.

“These are for you.” you were sure the cookies were just as sweet as her smile as she extended the plate of sugars towards you. 

“Oh, thank you.” for a while, you hesitated on fully carrying the weight of the plate, but looking at her beaming face assured you, and soon you were stuffing your face with the cookies. 

“Let’s play a little game!” you were a bit startled at her exclamation, mouth still bearing chunks of sugar.

You had to take a painful swallow to ask, “Right now?”

“Mhmm~”

“Should we go outside—”

“No, no!” her giggles made you shiver, it was so innocent, yet so… eery. “Just here.”

“What game are we playing?” you asked again through your soft chews. 

“Let’s guess each other’s crushes.”

Your pupils would move to the side as you got to thinking, a crush, do I have one of those? —the thought of it had never even crossed your mind. Maybe because it was unclear to you what a crush is meant for, or what it takes for you to crush on someone. Chaeyoung? —everyone else seemed to have a crush on her, but you're no train-hopper. 

“Guess mine first.” she urges, and you scurry around in your head for answers, Jaeyun? Wooyoung?

“Is it… Wooyoung?” —and to that she emits a sound of a buzzer, like the ones you’d hear in a game show after an incorrect answer.

“No!” 

“Oh, Jisung?”

You laughed at the exaggerated pout that played on her lips, and she’d only frown at you. For a minute you were worried that she was getting annoyed —good for you for being worried, because you’d find out she’s been restless all morning, itching to tell you, “I have a crush on you, dummy.”

Suddenly you were inhaling thick air, your breathing pattern shifted tremendously as your eyes looked for something to rest on. In that thirty seconds of silence, you wished it was that easy to just sink into the ground beneath where you stood. Her? crushing on you? seemed like a dream, and it truly is for the boys that admired her, unfortunately for her, you aren’t a part of that population. 

“Me?” you pointed at yourself as you questioned what you had just heard. “Are you sure? Are you joking?”

She was quiet for about seven seconds —and you were able to count for the sole reason of being anxious. The sole of her right foot was pressed firmly against the ground, and within those seven seconds she moved it around, drawing small ovals on the ground. “I’m sure.”

You wished you were as sure as she was, whilst she eyed the lines on your shirt, you were thinking about your feelings, what you felt about her. While you’ve always been in awe of how graceful she was at any given scenario, it’s all been just a thought and nothing more, nothing special, nothing for you to act on. 

“How about you?”

You swore you the ticking of their wall clock got louder, and louder, and louder. But eventually, you’d tell her the truth. 

She told you it was okay, but you saw the shift in her eyes, the pair that was once innocent and inviting now terrified you like the wretched pit in your darkest nightmares. How was that even possible? —you’d ask yourself, trying to open your mind to the possibilities. What are the chances that you’d become the person she hates the most?

“One hundred percent.” —now in highschool, you’d bury yourself in that horrid pit everyday, you had no choice, no means of escaping. 

“You’re sure that’s the answer?” you hiss at the pain inflicted by her hands that dug into your hair, pulling each strand, her vigor intensifying by the second. “If this turns out to be wrong…” fate is truly, “I will out you to your dad myself.” cruel. 

That day you told her that you did not reciprocate her admiration is the day you’d see her for who she truly was. Wolf in sheep’s clothing, a phrase you’d often hear even as a child. You just never thought you’d encounter it ever, especially in her. 

You stood up from your desk, huddling your textbooks and notebooks as you took wary steps —would usually be to the library, but Chaeyoung had already caught up to that old routine of yours, so you resorted to an empty, but rancid room at the back of the building. It was dark, even darker than that pit. 

Though that room was not entirely pleasant —it smelled of mold and chemicals you could only make out as cleaning materials— you learned to deal with it for your own sake. You’ve been threatened over and over by a certain group of people in your class that they’d out you, and you had every right to be scared, especially when they almost succeeded in the dawning of your anguish.

In that room, you hummed to yourself, did the work you had to in peace, and most importantly, you read —the pieces that you related to the most.

You remember being caught swiping through it on your phone, within seconds it was snatched away from you. They —two of them— took a quick look at it, smirking and soon guffawing at what they saw. “Who knew you’d be into disgusting shit like this.”

“I mean, it only makes sense. He’s a—” it was the first time you were called the slur. 

If you were being honest, as hurtful as they were meaning to be, you were not much fazed by it, still, you were surprised to hear such a word, even from them. 

“Yeah, you’re right. People like him are really like that huh?” like what? —you could only dare them with the little voice in your head for if you had spoken out it might be your last day in that classroom. 

“Stop looking at us like that.” —and they repeated it again, that word.

From then on, you’d avoid being seen reading, or having your phone out at all. There were times where you had the freedom, so you’d make the most of it while they weren’t there, in the classroom. But this deserted room, despite its grimy interior, would serve as a safe space for you. 

“This is not too bad.” you mumbled to yourself, eyes lingering on your faint reflection on the dust-layered window panes. 

It truly was not too bad to have your peace in such a place, this school, the shithole you were forced into. 

The truth is, you haven’t outed yourself to anyone, no one in school, not even Chaeyoung, not even her brother —and your childhood best friend— Seunghan. After that one fateful afternoon at their house, Chaeyoung felt devastated, how could you not like her back? she could only think of one reason, you must be gay, crazy enough to not return her likeness for you. She didn’t even get to confronting you about it, she just told everyone she knew, everyone close to you —with the exception of your family— that you’re insane, or in her words, “He’s gay, he told me himself! it’s better to stay away just to be safe!”

You’d end up being the one to stay away, just to be safe. Though you could say not everyone was mean to you, they were not nice enough to acknowledge you or what the others have been doing to you either. 

It was an unfortunate turn, and it would ultimately lead to the fallout of your friendship with your one and only sport —you used to call him all sorts of names, and he’d call you, well, what you could only describe as the cutest alias you’ve ever heard. You had something quite special, and didn’t take a while for you to see it differently —to see him differently. Maybe you were being a little too irrational, or maybe it's because of the way his face is always close enough to press onto yours, or the way he smiled at you, the way he used to take care of you without you asking, and the nickname. 

“Hey bunny!” —is what you’d always hear every morning then, when he called you out to play, or take bike rides around the neighborhood. 

“Hi Seung-gunk!” and he’d playfully headlock you, ruffling your hair. 

The farthest you’ve gone with your matching bicycles was the park —you even had your own tree, a hiding spot if you will. It’s where you two would babble on about everything, even the most nonsensical things. 

“Don’t you ever get bored of this park?” you asked him, and you would move a little, feeling some of his sweat touching your skin because of the proximity.

You two were sitting under your tree, leaning against its trunk. Your sides were slightly squeezed against each other as you went on with your venture-talks. 

“Not really.” he looked at you, reaching on top of your head for a stray leaf that fell on it, “Not when I’m with you.”

You believed him, only at that moment, because soon his actions would contradict his words. 

It all started in middle school, the summer before it started, you have already discussed about how excited you were about entering this new phase in your life, talking about how you two would go to lunch together, find ways to skip class and sneak out —it was a joke of course— and making new friends, and the rumors.

seungsseung 💥💥

i can’t believe we’re finally middle schoolers

can u believe it?

y/n 🥕

i’m kinda scared

what if they hurt me more

seungsseung 💥💥

tsk

those stupid rumors

you know what

i’m actually gonna tell my sister to stop it

y/n 🥕

you think it’ll work?

seungsseung 💥💥

don’t worry bunny

i know it didn’t work before

i’ll make it work

It didn’t work, obviously. You were bewildered with how he avoided you, like you were carrying some deadly parasitic disease, the root of an upcoming apocalypse. At first he wouldn’t even look in your direction, even when he really needed to, even when you were already sobbing from your classmates pushing you around, with the lead of his own sister. As time progresses, he’d watch your agony, but you could never really tell what lies in those watchful eyes. He’s changed, and he would change even more.

You were in a rush to get back to the classroom after checking the time, but you wouldn’t be inside without bumping into him.

“Watch where you’re going.” like a reflex, you’d use the papers you held to shield yourself, by the way he looked at you, you thought he was about to jump you. He scoffs at this, finding some sort of amusement out of it, “Fucking pathetic.” he says, kicking the papers out of your hands. 

You tried your damndest to fight back the tears in class, not wanting to draw any more attention than you already have outside of class hours. It was only when you were able to lock yourself within the confines of your dim lit room that you were able to release all the tears. It hurt even more that you were not allowed to make a single sound at that time of the night. 

Wasn’t he being a bit too much? —you were crying out loud in your frail mind, perplexed by this situation. You were too afraid to even message him anymore, to ask him why, and what caused the sudden shift. Then, he protected you like he owed you the world, the next day you were suddenly prey for him to feed on. And he’d only get worse in highschool, bonding with the same people who caused your torment, and still, with his stupid, pretty sister.

“Look who’s back!” you tried your best to maintain your composure as you entered the classroom, you had just gotten out of your secret hideout. “We missed you, Y/n.”

“Class isn’t the same without a freak like you.”

You’d flinch, feeling someone rush past behind you. Feeling the back pocket of your pants become lighter, you panicked, and soon your phone was being held close to your face.

“Open it.” Seunghan —he taunted, looking at you the same way he always did. “Deaf? I said open it, fucking idiot.”

Your hands were shaky, taking your phone from him. It took you three attempts before you could successfully unlock it, and when you did, he clutched on it, forcefully taking it out of your hands. You already felt the after effects of his insults that hadn’t even come out of his mouth, but you knew it would very soon. You had left what you were reading open, it was not like you knew he’d be up to snatching your phone away from you to poke fun at you, but then again you weren’t surprised. 

“You make me gag. Do you guys see this shit?” he was already scrolling through the whole thing, and his friends would peek from behind him making you gulp and freeze on your spot. 

You came home with wet hair, a wet uniform, and it was all to mock the fact that you were up to reading something that erotic. When they got your phone, you happened to have left it on a chapter that had a rated eighteen scene. They took turns at throwing water at you, repeatedly uttering how wet you were getting. It was disgusting, but so were you in their eyes, in his eyes. 

bunz 

hey

can i ask u a question?

it’ll be vv quick i promise

saxyguy1002

oh hi

how’s school?

bunz

awful

anyways

what do u think abt homo ppl?

saxyguy1002

i mean

as long as it’s not me it’s cool ig

they aint causing a world war so

yea

they haven't killed my family

so idc really

bunz

that’s interesting

saxyguy1002

r u gay bunz?

bunz

…

what if i am?

saxyguy1002

i told u idc

unless ur planning to kill my family

bunz

no ur tweaking

i’m just not into girls

but into guys

that’s all

saxyguy1002

like i said

i

don’t

care

bunz

well fuck u

saxyguy1002

kidding

don’t go offline yet :((

i have no one to talk to

my friends are idiots

all of them.

Then why’d you leave me? —you shook your head at your computer screen, at the conversation you were having with this ‘stranger’ you met in a game. You knew it was him, but he was oblivious towards the fact that it was you who he’s been talking to every night after school, and you prayed he hadn’t suspected you either. 

bunz

that’s tough lol

sucks for u

saxyguy1002

says the one who has no friends

how’s being lonely? :p

There was this urge to tell him, I miss you, but you were too afraid. He was already treating you like a stray in school, what more if he finds out who you were behind this persona you’ve built for him. 

bunz

i have one more question

saxyguy1002

hit me

bunz

do u know bl?

saxyguy1002

**bbl

and yes i do ofc

bunz

ew perv

not that

boy’s love 

saxyguy1002

yea

apparently it’s a genre now

there’s this guy in our school that reads them

You couldn’t quite understand if you wanted to cry or laugh.

bunz

really?

what do u think abt him then?

saxyguy1002

that bl shit gives me the creeps

all that dirty shit?

two disco sticks?

bunz

um???

not the disco sticks 😭😭

saxyguy1002

do u read?

bunz

what if i do…

saxyguy1002

i’ll make an exception

just don't mention it ever again 😁

bunz

kys :3 (jk, but i still hate u)

saxyguy1002

i will :p (jk 2, but i don’t hate u so deal with it)

You shook your head again, water brimming on both eyes. You ran your fingers through your hair, knowing you could never go any further from this. You could just stop talking to him, block him even, but your heart wouldn’t allow you to. Everytime you tried, you were brought back to that little spot at the park, under the biggest tree, the tips of your noses almost touching. 

Thinking about it makes you think about what he thought about everything, about you, then and now. You thought maybe at some point in time he saw you the same way, maybe he did, and he got scared so he started bullying you too. You’d sigh heavily, slapping a mental note onto yourself —you have got to stop letting the manga get into your head Y/n.

In a blink, you were back in your hideout. Your leg got restless, shaking continuously as you read. Earlier you thought you had seen someone following you from the corner of your eye. No one came in after you after waiting for twenty minutes, so you sat down where you’d usually be. Your eyes momentarily watched for the door, afraid that they might burst in and beat you up, or lock you in. 

Suddenly what you were reading got more interesting. You were fully immersed with the scene that played before you, acting out the expressions drawn on the characters. And his eyes dripped with honey as he got closer, allowing his desire to win him over, and soon their lips met and clashed with so much—

You jumped at the sound of the door being slammed wide open. You’d curl into yourself, dropping your phone. It was like the walls were closing in on you, already feeling the humiliation, the suffering. 

“Oh, sorry, are you okay? I was just here for…” it was an unfamiliar voice, “...I actually don’t know why I’m here either. I guess I needed some space away from those people.”

You’d warily lift your head up, being met with a cautious stare. 

“Wait, are you Y/n? from the neighboring class right?” your nod was only subtle, but he’d beam at you so brightly. “I’m Matthew, can I come in?”

You nod again, freeing yourself from your own restraint. You’d sit yourself properly, watching him scan around the room for a place to sit. You moved over a bit, and that was enough to tell him to sit next to you. It was an awkward few first seconds till he bent down to reach for your phone. You grew nervous when his eyes stayed a little too long on your phone screen as he handed it to you. 

“You’re in that chapter already? you must be an avid reader.” your eyes dilated at his words, and he’d chuckle at your reaction. 

“You read?” you were evidently hesitant, your volume would only be that of a mouse. 

He’d hum a response, nodding at the same time. “Sometimes for the story, sometimes for the art. The author of that manga is great as fuck, and the artstyle too!” he was able to crack a smile out of you, it’s been a great while. “But, I am curious, why are you here?”

You shrugged at first, not really knowing what to say. Besides, no one has ever bothered to ask you about anything if it’s not to mess with you. “My classmates hate me.”

“Hmm, I heard.” of course he had, everyone has. “Is it really because you’re gay?”

Your eyes would shift to the side before you nod your head. 

“That’s crazy. I’m bi, I mean, I haven’t come out yet, but —I think it’s ridiculous. It’s the 21st century, are we seriously still about that.” he’d sigh like he’d had the biggest dilemma of his life. 

And it made you laugh, it was very little, but it was enough.

“Hey, we should hang out some other time, how’s that sound?”

You were still cautious about the whole thing, afraid that it might be a trap of some sort. All it took was another smile from him, and you’d finally say, “That sounds cool.”

You two walked out of that room together, and he kept chattering on about things you couldn’t quite remember at the end of the day, and in the same hallway, you stumbled upon your nightmare. He was boring holes into your soul, making you stop in your tracks. 

“Y/n?” Matthew called for you when he noticed that you were no longer beside him. He noticed the way your eyes dropped dead, staring ahead, he turned his head to where you looked, but when he did, Seunghan was already walking away.

Matthew took a few steps back, meeting you again. “Does he bother you or something?”

“No.” technically, you were telling the truth. You were still so tolerant with him, because you still liked him. “You should get away from me.”

He was clearly taken aback by your request, and he could sense you meant well. “Is it that bad?” he’d ask you, concern painted well on his face.

You shrugged once again, still not figuring out how to properly convey what you wanted to say, “They might get you too, because of me.”

“Don’t think so. You think they’ll touch anyone from the pilot class? —no offense, I think you’re great, but your class is a cluster of utter garbage.” he was right, and you’d subconsciously nod at him. “So I’ll stick around, see ya!”

You didn’t even notice that you were already near your classroom. You stood still, watching him as he walked back to his own classroom, just next to yours. You weren’t quite ecstatic about going back to that room, so a hand to your shoulder granted you the favor, stopping you from taking another step. 

“Who’s your new owner?” you gulped at the all too familiar voice that crept behind you. 

“Owner?”

“Huh, so you answer now?” you didn’t bother turning your head, instead, Seunghan would move himself in front of you, “Matthew —you know what you looked like? you looked like his pet.” he laughs at you, but you’d keep your eyes on the floor. “Do better Y/n, geez, at least fix yourself first before trying to hang out with actual people.”

Because you’re not an actual person, he saw you as an animal, a joke. “At least he wasn’t a liar.” you might’ve been speaking too soon.

Too soon. “What the fuck did you just say?”

You’d shake your head at him, just like all the nights you’ve spent chatting, and you’d walk past him.

He just stood there, unsure of what to do with himself anymore. 

“Bro, Seunghan, what the hell was that?” he couldn’t avert his eyes from his shoelaces, tracing the pattern it made with his gaze.

“I could’ve beaten him to a pulp if I were you —you know what, we’ll do it for you since you’re being such a puss.” the others’ words went into one ear and out the other. 

He can’t help but think if it was all worth it. If avoiding the consequences, the pain, did it actually do him better?

“Seunghan, what are you thinking about?” his sister sat on his desk, tapping on it with her fingers. 

He could only give her a blank stare, that would soon trail off into the distance. Chaeyoung just eyed him, and smugness was written all over her face. 

“Y/n?” she scoffed. “You’re thinking about him?”

Seunghan only glanced at her for a brief moment, and she’d slam her palm against his desk. 

“It’s not like that—”

“I’m not that dumb, Seunghan.” she truly wasn’t when she was able to ruin two lives, and probably more outside his scope. 

“I promise it’s not what you think.” he kept his voice monotone, and his sister would roll her eyes at him.

“Just keep up the act, and maybe, I’d consider not telling our parents just how disgusting you are.”

Disgusting —was a word you’d often hear from him, how ironic. It was those times when he’d ridicule your love for reading bl mangas, just snatching your phone whenever he felt like it. 

“I can’t believe you actually enjoy this, disgusting.” 

Yet, that still wasn’t enough for you to see him as your enemy. 

saxyguy1002

hey bunz

bunz

what

saxyguy1002

how r u?

being lonely and miserable and all

bunz

lol

ykw i have a friend now

and he reads bl too

go fuck yourself

saxyguy1002

woah woah

i was joking 😢

but 

respectfully, you’re disgusting

for that

bunz

kys :>

saxyguy1002

no

not until we meet

bunz

you want to…?

saxyguy1002

i mean

ig?

i just wondered if u were just as much of a twink irl like you are in chat

bunz

fuck you, actually

saxyguy1002

u cant fuck me

i’m not gay

bunz

blocked

saxyguy1002

NO PLSSSSSSSSSS

😭😭😭😭😭

begging on my KNEES rn

don’t 

if this makes u feel better

i meant to say cute

not twink :p

Again, you were double guessing whether this was true, this whole conversation, the situation, if this was even Seunghan you’re talking to.

bunz

i need to sleep

night

saxyguy1002

and i’ll be outside ur window

better close it now 👹

bunz

nahh bfr my bedroom is at the second storey 😬

saxyguy1002

now who said i cant float

you’ll float too 🤡

bunz

bye pennywise

kys :3 (not fr tho)

saxyguy1002

i will :p (i won’t dw)

You leaned back against your desk chair, a tired exhale escaping your mouth as you turned off your computer. To say that you didn’t look forward to getting home just to talk to him would be a complete lie. You were even a lot more enthusiastic, though it doesn’t show through your messages that much, you just wished it could be like this in real life too. 

If he was genuine about wanting to see you, and if he finally did, what would be his reaction then? Would he keep himself away from you? hurt you even more? —your thoughts kept running, until they got too tired and the running turned into crawling, creeping, and soon you were fast asleep. 

“Y/n, off to where?” you were startled, hearing your name for the first time that day, and from a new voice that you had been waiting for the whole day.

“Matthew. Just going to the library, I have to pick something up.”

“Just a quick trip? we still have…” he pauses for a while to look at his wrist watch, “About thirty minutes till class. Do you have something to do?”

You consciously tapped on your sides, thinking about how you were only getting what you needed early so you wouldn’t have to run into trouble later in the day, “No, not really, not yet.” 

“Oh, so then would you wanna stay in the library a little longer? we could read there for a while.” 

It really was that hard to decline, so in a span of minutes, you were both seated in the library, not on books, but on your phones.

“You think you could pause reading that for a while?” he whispered so closely to your ear that you almost cringed.

“What? this?” he nods at you, and you’d ask again, “Why?”

“So we can read it together. You’re only three chapters ahead of me, maybe I can catch up by the end of the day —or now.”

His request had caused you to blink repeatedly for a few seconds before you got to respond, “The chapters themselves are pretty long…”

“Please?” 

You could only stare at him, trying to search for your next words within the lines of his face. “Okay, but you better start reading now.”

“Will do!” you’d give him a silent laugh, and in return he exudes a low chuckle, it was such a pleasant sound that you felt ashamed for wanting to ask him to do it again. 

Both of you have grown oblivious of the people entering and leaving the library, and the one that watched you from the distance, he had almost forgotten what he was there for. He was preoccupied with how you seemed to no longer care or be cautious of your surroundings. 

He saw it, the way you smiled. He’d been denying it for so long, but he missed it. He missed you. He missed when it was him you used to smile at like that. But there was not much he could do. If only you knew he was just afraid as you were of the world the two of you lived, so cruel, but he could only imagine just how cruel the world has been to you.

Somehow he thought he should be thankful that Matthew had followed you to that room, but it should’ve been him opening that door, he had to back out when he saw Matthew, because just like you, he had an ephemeral suspicion that he might be someone to look out for. All those thoughts flew out his mind like a fly when he saw you at that hallway with the other guy, it’s his first time in a while seeing you be yourself, at ease. It seemed so surreal, but he couldn’t get over seeing you like that with someone who wasn’t him. It used to be him, but then again, your severance was the bearing of his own mistakes. He didn’t mean to have such sharp eyes pinned at you when he saw you, it was a mask. He felt so close to losing. 

His friends weren’t any better than him. He knew he was just around to please them. He never really got off of bullying you, it was all orders. If he even dared to go against them, he might never see you again. He’s got himself wrapped around his sister’s pointy fingers. 

That summer before middle school, he confronted his sister about the things she’s been doing, the crude things she’s been saying. “You need to stop. Just because Y/n didn’t like you back?”

“Why do you care shithead?” he was caught off guard with the words that came out of her sister's mouth. 

“He’s my best friend, I care about him —and do you not understand that he just didn’t like you that way? and he doesn’t even hate you either, so I don’t get why you’re being like this.”

What he didn’t understand was that a hurt ego hits back harder than a heavy loaded truck, “Maybe because he liked you.” he found himself playing with his own hands, “Never thought about it huh? well I have. That’s gross, Seunghan.”

“So what?” her sick laughter came attacking him right as he spoke. 

“Don’t tell me you like him too.”

“So what?” he repeats as he stands assertive.

The irked girl tilted her head, raising a brow whilst her lips rose to a smirk, “I’ll tell, and you’ll see just how ridiculous you’re being.”

“Tell?”

“Our parents. You know I will. Fix yourself, or I’ll do it for you.”

Fix? —the thing is, if their parents ever knew, they’d do everything in their power to get him out of that town, away from you. He lived in a religious household, one that’s conservative, believes a man is only for a woman, and a woman is only for a man. 

He still kept messaging you, secretly. He knew that once middle school started, he’d never be able to be the same with you again. 

seungsseung 💥💥

hey

i’m gonna miss you

y/n 🥕

why?

we’re literally seeing each other tomorrow

seungsseung 💥💥

take care of urself all the time

can u do it?

y/n 🥕

seunghan?

ur scaring me

seungsseung 💥💥

sorry

It was the last conversation you had with him. You fell asleep, not foreseeing your unfortunate days ahead of you. 

It hurt to remember, but he would never forget. Then he was too terrified of the consequences, but now he was learning to be more capable, and maybe he could release himself from the chains that trapped him in this dark, secluded place. He wanted it to become a reality, him not having to torment you for the sake of getting closer to you, or hearing your voice.

onto the next? >> part 2

[doorbloggr]

Tuesday 11/1/22 - Media Recommendations #26

Contents:

Arcane

Cowboy Bebop

Been a relatively slow start to the year, in terms of personal endeavours, but the world just doesn't stop. But this down time of mine has meant I have been able to binge a couple of series before work ramps up again. This week I'm talking about two series, one that's still fresh off the press and another that's almost as old as I am, but both are dripping with absolute style!

Arcane

Riot Games

Let me preface with something very important. I have never played League of Legends. I have never wanted to play League of Legends, and after watching Arcane.... I still have no desire to. But that has nothing to do with how much I enjoyed this series. So just as a warning, going forward in my recommendation, I might get some LoL details wrong here.

For the uninitiated, Arcane takes place in the world of League of Legends and details the backstory of fan favourite character Jinx, as well as a few other iconic characters of the game. I'm not overly familiar with the LoL aesthetic in general, but Arcane takes place in the Magical Steampunk city of Piltover and its dilapidated undercity slums.

The show is a beautiful blend of stylistic 3D animation and 2D special effects to portray a world of unique aesthetic and design. The series is unabashedly colourful, utilising neon highlights of pinks, blues, and yellows wherever possible to make the cityscape, the streets, the action, or even the inner dialogue of a character pop more.

The voice actors did a really good job giving life and personalities to the characters, and though I've never played League of Legends, I feel like I got to know the vibes of many of the main characters better than if I did play the game. The soundtrack is also pretty fun, a sort of punk-rock, edgy style that comes right in your face via the opening, a song called "Enemy" by Imagine Dragons.

I came away from Arcane hoping to see more of this world, ideally in animated form again. Because the take away my friend who's played League wanted to impress upon me is that the world and characters are great, but don't play the game. It is apparently a toxic hobby that is hard to break from, and even harder to enjoy. So that's the take away I'll give my readers.

Watch Arcane. Don't play League of Legends.

Cowboy Bebop

Hajime Yatate

I've had a renewed appreciation for older anime series recently, and I'll probably have another one to recommend next week. Cowboy Bebop is a very stylish series with a very unique vibe. Many people, myself included, recommend Cowboy Bebop as a good gateway anime. So why don't I get into why that is?

The main cast of characters are varied in personality and drives, but their arcs are fairly easy to follow since the cast is so small. We follow a group of bounty hunters, in this age called "Cowboys", upon their spaceship called "The Bebop", as they race across the solar system in search of criminals and adventure. The backstories and arcs of Spike, Jett, Faye, and Ed are developed in chunks over the course of the series, with each character getting starring roles in episodes of their own. Some overwhelming anime series can have more than a dozen recurring characters, but for those new to anime, four main characters, and maybe four or five more recurring side characters is easier to keep up with.

Arcs and stories are very self contained. Two-parter episodes are very rare throughout the series, and three-parters are non-existent. It's easy to hop in and out wherever, since the conflict of an episode is usually resolved by the episode's end, and won't come up again in later episodes. It's a short series too, with 26 episodes. So even without bingeing, it won't take weeks to finish.

Something that the Netflix live action series apparebtly struggled with was the visual and sound design. The character designs are not overly stylised, but every main character is easily identified by sillhouette alone. Characters actually appear quite familiar to one who's experienced a lot of western animation. The voice actors, both English and Japanese did an amazing job at bringing the characters to life and I cannot honestly imagine better picks for these roles.

The setting, themes, and soundtrack are the most distinguishing identifiers of Cowboy Bebop. The series takes place across many planets and moons across our solar system, and has this rugged, almost rugged noir style. The locales are futuristic, but not in a Wall-E sort of way, more like halfway between Star Wars and Mad Max. The cowboy theme is present throughout the show, but the soundtrack has more in common with 50s jazz and blues. The soundtrack is probably my favourite take away from the show, with tracks such as "Tank" and "Cats on Mars" still in regular rotation on my Spotify.

Cowboy Bebop is a unique experience dripping with style. If you're new to Japanese Animation and don't want to get overwhelmed, it'd be harder to start in a better place. If you're already deep into anime and haven't seen Cowboy Bebop, you're missing out on one of the essential watches of the genre. Watch Cowboy Bebop!

[darylwillfightnatureforcarol]

Just finished watching the rest of the episodes. Obviously, there will be spoilers for all of the bonus episodes, including Here's Negan. Here's my thoughts. WARNING for some negativity:

Home Sweet Home:

Kind of a blah episode. Half of it seemed to be a 'walking in the woods simulator'. Don't have any eagerness for another rival group. I'm sick of the people vs people storylines. We should go back to basics for a while, just fighting the dead. This is just recycling the same storylines.

Enjoyed Maggie and Daryl's chat in the container (though I just know it ignited crack shippers). Was it just me or was Lauren Cohan's accent weird? Like, is it because she's been away from the show that she can't remember how to do it the way she used to? It just sounded off the whole time to me, like she was trying to sound more country than Maggie has in the past.

Liked Daryl seeing Hershel, though I wish the scene had been longer. It looks like we're continuing the trend of having 'legacy' kids around without giving them a personality like they do with RJ.

Liked Daryl and Kelly's interactions in this episode. It did annoy me how they wrote Kelly running off on her own in the woods. Like, you guys literally wrote her getting lost and losing her hearing not even a handful of episodes ago. Why would she risk doing that, knowing there was a chance it could happen again? Sure she wants to find her sister, but I don't think anyone in the group--Daryl especially--would have opposed to going with her. Annoying writing again.

By the way, I can't not point out that the spoilers for this were so anti-Carol. The way it sounded through spoilers made it sound as if Maggie was pissed at Carol for letting Negan out when it was clear that she understood Carol's decision (she was just irritated that Negan was out at all).

Find Me:

I won't go into a full rant about this episode. You can find that on my page. I'll just discuss a few things.

First of all, I really liked the banter between Caryl at the start. It was the kind of content we've been wanting for a while.

We probably all saw it this way but Leah was a Carol replacement. No doubt about it. Carol was 'happy' so Daryl tried to move on with the next best thing (well, according to him at least).

Shipping aside, the relationship and build up to it between Daryl and Leah was so bland and generic. The woman literally seemed to have no personality apart from 'I live in the woods and I lost my son'. I actually rolled my eyes when she started explaining about not having a good family growing up. It was like watching Mary Sue fanfic play out on screen.

I don't want to rant too much but I have to say again, you can't just have a relationship blossom that generically with a character who has clearly struggled with intimacy for a good chunk of his life. It was literally inserting Daryl into the plot of any other cheesy boy meets girl romance. If you are going to do something like this, you need to do it realistically. There should have been more of a struggle there for Daryl. For pete's sake, Daryl's love life (or lack thereof) has been a point of discussion for so many years. You can't just rewrite that lore with some half assed meet-cute storyline.

Oh and I can't forget to say another big fuck you to the end of this episode. Seriously, fuck the shit Daryl spouted at Carol. That shit would have worked for S2 Daryl but not this one.

Okay I'll stop myself there or I'll just keep going. Seriously, I don't think I'll run out of things to bitch about for this episode.

One more:

This episode was okay. I'm not a fan of Gabriel, so I didn't really enjoy the focus being on him. I do like Aaron though, so that was a saving point.

No offense if you're a Gabriel fan but I found this episode kind of pointless. The message was relevant of course but the whole thing seemed a bit hoky to me. Especially the whole 'talking at the bad guy until they have a change of heart'. I can see that this was an important turning point for Gabriel but honestly, I just don't care enough about his character to appreciate it. Felt bad for Aaron though. You can tell he's trying so hard to hold onto humanity.

Splinter:

Probably gonna upset people with this but I'm not really a Princess fan (though Paola Lazaro is great). The episode had an interesting concept and I know it was to try to set up for the Commonwealth or the CRM etc. I just found the way they went about it to be too dragged out without much substance. Even the twist with finding out that the others were figments of her imagination didn't save it for me. I like the concept of seeing things through Princess' mindset and it could have worked well but we just didn't really get any storyline there. I think the only thing I enjoyed was when she talked about her family (she should chat to Daryl. There would certainly be some common ground). Gotta admit though, Ezekiel and his Walker posse was kind of hilarious.

Diverged:

Loved it for the most part. Who knew we needed Carol vs a rat? I certainly didn't but I'm glad I got it. Also Carol smashing that wall to pieces was so badass and kind of hot. Anyone else feel like that? No? Okay...

I enjoyed the comedic moments in this episode. Loved Carol hanging out with Dog and Dog being a menace. Appreciated seeing more of Daryl's room (Why did he have a pirate book though? There had to be a point, right? WAIT, I just realised as I was typing this what it is. It's a reference to when Carol invited him to go out on the boat with her and they would be 'pirates' 😢)

Daryl certainly got a collection of multitools, didn't he? Seriously though, that scene where he was just walking away from the walkers was hilarious. It's literally what people have been saying for years--that the walkers are too slow.

Okay, now let's get to the bad parts I didn't like. Hated the start. They were so stilted and awkward and the fact that Daryl didn't apologize pissed me off. I don't care what Carol said, she didn't deserve any of that shit he said in Find Me. He knows better than anyone why she has done what she has done.

This storyline they seem to be running with for Carol is starting to piss me off. It's obvious they're trying to go for a redemption arc for her when she shouldn't need to be redeemed. She didn't do anything wrong. Yes, she made mistakes but think about how you would be if you had lost so much.

Maggie is being lorded as a hero but remember, she behaved pretty much the same as Carol did in S7,8,9. But no one labelled her as a villain or a nuisance. No, Maggie was strong and a leader for stepping up and making a stand.

I'm really dreading the last season. It's obvious they're planning for Daryl and Carol's rift in their relationship to be a main arc. We probably won't see them reconcile until the end of the season where Daryl'll be like 'Alright, I don't hate you anymore, let's go to New Mexico.' That will annoy the shit out of me.

Here's Negan:

Mixed feelings about this one. I enjoyed seeing Negans backstory. Also props to the makeup team. They did a great job making JDM look younger. The thing I didn't like was the flashbacks within flashbacks. It made it hard to follow at times. Still, JDM and Hilary Burton Morgan had great onscreen chemistry (which they should, of course). I was surprised to see Laura pop up. I never thought she would have been one of the first Saviours.

Can't not mention how good Carol's hair looked in this episode. Please let us have this wig more often. It's so cute compared to the other frizzy one.

Also, I really don't give a shit about the drama between Maggie and Negan. There can't be a peaceful solution to it. There's no way Maggie will ever be okay with Negan being alive. Carol's right. If he stays, Maggie will (try) to kill him. If they have them come to an understanding next season, it will be super out of character. Same as when they kept pushing the Daryl/Negan team up. No way, no how, can either Maggie or Daryl look past what happened to Glenn.

Well, there are my thoughts on the episodes. I seriously battled against my anxiety to even sit and watch these. I was dreading watching Find Me especially for obvious reasons. It was awful but not as bad as I expected. I still wanted to throw my laptop out the window though.

[bokunoheroanalysisforthefuture]

Hello hello to all the new followers! However you came across this blog, thanks for being willing to put this on your dashboards. I still have half of this chapter left to go, but hopefully I’ll be able to knock out a larger chunk of it since it’s gonna flow better… at the least, I’ll try to get to where Episode 1 of the anime cuts off.

...huh, damn, now I’m curious about exploring differences between anime and manga… I don’t have time for that, this manga thing is already more of a time-eater than expected… plus considering how many chapters I need to get through… yeah no, I will leave anime-manga comparison to others.

Anyways, into today’s pages! I wanna get this chapter done this week!

[No. 1 - Midoriya Izuku: Origin]

...you, I’m gonna translate you.

[transliteration of sign: 頭上 (zujou) [overhead] 注意 (chuui) [caution, being careful, attention (heed), warning, advice]

[Translation: caution, overhang 2m]

I mean, it’s obvious because of the context, but now I know how to pronounce it! And I guess you guys can as well. No, I will not be ashamed of spending fifteen minutes on this. I’m probably gonna stay in the habit of translating stuff as I come across it.

Anyways, to the chapter itself. Izuku doesn’t do that ‘All Might impression’ thing here like he does in the anime, just basically hypes himself up with grit teeth and determination. Which is a shame, but it makes sense since that sort of thing would look/turn out better in animation anyways. Still a little weird he had a flashback there, but like whatever, it’s supposed to give readers context into the setting and character, this whole opening chapter’s gonna be a bit weird like that.

The villain comes up out from the holes in the sewer grate, and holy fuck does this come off as just a bit of a horror manga, if I saw that I’d be terrified.

You know, out of context this is REALLY disturbing… no wait, in context this is disturbing too, nevermind. But yeah, look at that terrified kid, that is not the face he was wearing earlier against Katsuki, making it even more obvious that he wasn’t scared at that point.

The villain pounces on and envelops Izuku, covering his nose and mouth and making Izuku realize he’s been attacked by, you know, a villain. Which I would share the image of, but honestly it’s graphic as hell, if you wanna see it go look at the manga yourselves.

Yeah, it’s a wonder Izuku didn’t have nightmares for months after this, or have issues with water or potentially drowning/suffocating. Also, honestly, with this hijacking the body thing, I’m looking at the amount of mass of the sludge and the size of Izuku, and I have to remind myself again that this is a shounen manga with urban fantasy magic, logic isn’t a concern here.

But yeah, the villain is super vague about who the ‘he’ he’s avoiding is, while Izuku is frantically trying to scrape at the sludge to no effect. Also, after being in the sewers, that HAS to be some nasty gunk, yikes, how did Izuku not come down with something?

Izuku’s struggles makes him drop his charred notebook while panicking about his death and begging someone to come save him. The book flips open to his conceptual hero costume, which we know is going to end up the ‘first’ version of his costume, though obviously it’s going to undergo some revisions as the series progresses (which is a small thing I like about the series a lot). If I recall right, this is also what prototype!Izuku’s costume was going to look like!

Fortunately for Izuku, in the next page All Might punches his way up out of the sewers, letting both the villain and Izuku know he’s there, and- god, I wouldn’t trust those groceries for any sort of safe consumption, even if they are… two bottles?? That’s it?? What-

Sure, whatever, two bottles of soda, I guess, isn’t that not good for people who have had their stomach removed because of too much sugar or something? Is him being down a stomach even actually canon or just popular fanon? I suppose we’ll find out soon enough.

Anyways, All Might showed up and punched the villain away from Izuku, basically only hitting with the shockwave to avoid hurting the kid too much. Also, we get this gem of a face:

Incredible.

Izuku passes out, and wakes up a bit later to All Might slapping his face, which like, sir, sir, that’s not how you take care of a victim of a villain attack that definitely isn’t an allegory for another kind of assault. But yeah, All Might is sort of out of ‘character’ while waiting for Izuku to get up, and then shoves himself back into it once Izuku’s awake, which is… interesting, and makes sense.

Izuku naturally freaks out, and All Might does a pose while apologizing for his mistakes and explaining his sloppiness with the villain - he’s new to the area, and besides that, he’s ‘off camera’. Which, yeah, you really get the sense this is his TV persona pushed forward. He also thanks Izuku for success in finally containing the villain, and Izuku gives us this hilarious gem:

Ah, meta jokes. Izuku looks around for his notebook for an autograph, only to see it’s already been signed. He bows enthusiastically and says he’ll keep it as a family heirloom, and All Might heads off to take the villain in and to ‘catch him again on tv’.

Izuku wants him to wait, because he still has something to ask, but All Might says he’s got no time, and crouches to jump away, with just a shot of Izuku’s desperate face before All Might takes off, the ‘thanks for your support’ dragging after him like the words themselves couldn’t keep up, and again that is just a cool fucking effect and use of shape and warping to give effects otherwise not possible in text and just- gah, I love comic/manga art for these reasons, so freaking cool!

You’re an all star.

Sorry not sorry. But yeah, the bottles are still there in his pockets - his definitely totally secure open pockets. Honestly, with or without Izuku, he might have dropped those bottles because what the fuck All Might. 

All Might tries to shove Izuku off until Izuku reminds him that he will die if he falls, which gets him to pause and go ‘true enough!’ Izuku says he’s got a lot of things to ask, and All Might asks him to close his eyes and mouth to avoid the wind drag. All Might coughs and grunts, with a drop of blood escaping from between his teeth, and him swearing about it.

Onto the next page, and we have some background kanji that I am definitely going to waste time translating, because that’s just who I am.

Top windows/hanging sign: 卜 (uranai) [divination, fortune telling] 黄葉 (kouyou/momiji) [autumn/fall colors, leaves changing color, layered colors in garments (resembling autumn colors)] 

[rough translation: fortunate garments / lucky coloring.]

I’m gonna assume this is something to go with Japanese culture and their beliefs around what certain colors mean. 

Middle banner/hanging sign: Su/Ta/De [study] 

Not confident at this one but I cannot grok how messy those katakana are and so I just have given up on that for now. If someone can confirm, that’d be sweet of you.

Lower windows/hanging sign: [事]務所 (jimusho) [office]

Lower banner: Ma/a/ke/t/to [Market]

Shop overhang: Fu/ra/shi/[mu?] [Flashy] 喫茶 (kissa) [teahouse/coffee shop/cafe]

Flashy Cafe makes sense, but I’m not confident in the katakana when we can only see three of them and no way to know about modifiers,,,

Victory.

Alright, now that I’m done crying over that, onto actual chapter analysis. We get the ‘whoosh’ of something falling, before seeing the POV of the sludge guy coming back to consciousness, frustrated with All Might, and we also get a peek at some kids approaching… aka Katsuki and his minions.

First off, the branding on the can is hilarious and weirdly suited to the situation. Secondly, you can just see Katsuki kicking the bottle in the bottom left corner there, which probably knocks it open for, you know, the upcoming events. And huh, both of the minions smoke, which Katsuki chastises with displeasure in the panel after next. 

So Katsuki blames Izuku for ‘messing with him’ and that Izuku being ‘full of stupid dreams like when they were kids’ pisses him off. Which he emphasises by blowing up the can in his hand. I wonder if that’s meant to be a reference to him thinking Izuku’s just paying lip service to being a hero just to annoy Katsuki, at least in his POV?

But yeah, Katsuki shakes his hand after that - which meant he DID feel some backlash for blowing up a can in his hand, or perhaps the superheating of the metal before it went? Either way, backlash! He turns back to yell at the two about their smoking and how it’d go on his record, and the two freak out and point behind Katsuki, before we go to their POV:

But yeah, another decent stopping point here. There should only be two posts after this for chapter 1, based on my skimming of the rest of the pages. I really want to have the All Might convo separate, and then the whole sludge fight and aftermath… but we’re getting there! :D

[hunterenough]

I am Dean.

I am Dean. I’ve identified with the character essentially since the show aired. We’re about the same age, both oldest siblings, and we’ve both had a lot of responsibility thrust on us that we just had to learn to handle. We’ve learned to stuff down what we feel because it’s our job to get shit done, and most of the time, feelings just get in the way. We love deeply, but most people think we’re unfeeling because after 30 odd years of boxing shit up, we’re damned professionals at it.

Right about the time the show started, I’d dropped out of graduate school and was living back at home while I worked up enough cash to find a place of my own. There was very little about my life that I felt was my own, and it was very much like being back in high school. All of the things that I’d learned about myself in the years I was away were erased, and I was very much trying to act like the person everyone thought I still was. I think Dean was the same, that each time he was out on his own, he learned a little more about who he actually was, and that each time they came back together, he had to act like nothing had changed, like he was still the perfect little soldier his dad had raised. I had to act like the quiet book-smart girl my family knew. But we knew, Dean and I, what we were hiding from the world in those moments. For Dean, I think it was a recognition of grey areas, an understanding of what love really could mean, how different his life could be.

I was a lot less successful at hiding it in the long run. I didn’t come out to my family intentionally. My dad happened to come home from work early one day, and found me napping with my then girlfriend. Shit hit the fan, I was essentially kicked out of the house, and wound up living with my girlfriend. I’m really lucky. It was a pretty smooth transition, and my brothers were incredibly supportive. It took nearly a year, but my parents eventually realized that having a queer daughter was not the end of the world, and they’d rather have me in their lives than not. It wasn’t perfect, but I’ll give them every bit of credit for learning to not only accept me, but to show that they had never stopped loving me. My mom even tried to explain that they just didn’t know how to talk to me about it at first. That relationship ended, not well really, but that didn’t matter, life went on.

I met my husband-to-be the same year Dean met Cas. I won’t pretend we danced around starting a relationship like they did, but I think Dean and I had a pretty similar approach. I performed my role as a new girlfriend the way I figured people thought I should. I held hands and we kissed in public. Honestly, that’s not how I’d ever been in a relationship before. I’m not huge on touching in general, less so in public, but nobody had ever seen me in a relationship with a guy, and, after everything, I just didn’t feel like trying to explain myself again.

Performing is exhausting. When I realized that this guy was important, that I really might want him around long term, it felt even more so. Again, I’m lucky because when i started to let my mask slip, this guy fell in love with the real me too. Our relationship settled into a comfortable safe space, and I was happy. Our relationship wasn’t perfect, but at the end of the day, he was always there for me.

Dean, I think, had that with Cas. Regardless of their “relationship” status, whether they were best friends or something more, Cas was Dean’s safe place. He was the person that knew all of his weaknesses and flaws and still chose to stand by his side.

Fast forward to season 12. A lot happened in those years, both for Dean and for me. Honestly though, this is where Dean and I found our next huge plot of common ground. In 2017, my husband was diagnosed with cancer. I watched Dean wrap Cas for his funeral pyre while I was sitting in a hospital room next to my husband who was hooked up to IV’s in his arm and a central port in his chest. I completely understood the stoicism of the act. Our practicality and sense of duty serves us well when our world is going to shit. Dean turned to drinking, I learned exactly how to be responsible for my husband’s at home care. I’ll never be able to explain how well I understood exactly what Dean was feeling when he met Billie. I didn’t want to die, but honestly if it was my time, then so be it. I’m not suicidal, never have been, but I didn’t have a lot of fight left in me after I lost my husband.

Now, to the end of Season 15. I think Dean’s characterization after Cas was taken was spot on, but I can say that primarily because nearly all of what we saw was him with others. Remember, we’ve had years of practice stuffing our feelings down, doing what needs to be done, and acting fine.

I held my husband’s hand while he died. I did exactly what I promised him I would and told him I loved him and that everything would be okay. (We’ll get back to how much that part of the finale kicked the shit out of me in a bit.)  

When he was gone, in the living room of our house mind you, because that’s what he wanted, I got shit done. I called his nursing service to report his death, called the funeral home to retrieve his body, and started notifying our friends and family. I smoked a pack of cigarettes and kept my shit together because I knew that if i started to cry, I might never stop. I watched the home nurse and the funeral director prep his body and roll it away, sent his mom home, and when I was finally alone, more alone than I’d been in years, I sat next to his bed and cried until I couldn’t breathe.

By the time my brother showed up a couple hours after I’d called to tell him my husband had passed, I was doing the dishes. It was well after midnight at this point. I’d told him I was good, but...he’s my brother, and he knows me. He came with a bottle of whiskey (another thing Dean and I have in common), and sent me to bed after we’d shared a few shots.

The thing that you don’t know, unless you’ve been through it, is that there is a TON of shit that needs to be done after someone dies. I planned a cremation, a memorial, dealt with insurance companies and our mortgage and all of our joint accounts, and by the time all of that was underway, it was time to go back to work.

When someone you love dies, there is an expectation that you’re going to grieve publically. For me, for Dean, that is unacceptable. If we’re weak, if we lean on someone while we’re dealing with our grief, then we’re letting down the people that depend on us to be strong. Yes, that’s a completely acceptable and normal thing for a good chunk of the population, but that’s not who we are. I can honestly say that moving forward with my life was literally the only thing that kept me going.

So, the final two episodes.

I didn’t question for a second that Dean didn’t talk about Cas’ declaration or his sacrifice. I sure as hell didn’t. I didn’t doubt that he’d make a seamless transition back to casework in the same way I went back to my own job. Having a role to perform that I understood and knowing how to act in specific situations made it so much easier for me to push things down. He had to prove to Sam that he was fine for the same reason that I did, so that the people who love us wouldn’t be watching our every move waiting for us to run screaming off the next cliff. My brother, the same one who showed up with whiskey, did essentially the same thing that Sam did. He didn’t push me to talk. He helped me clean all the medical supplies out of the house, made sure my house and car weren’t going to kill me, and texted me weird random memes daily just so I would text him back.

I also didn’t question the empties in his bedroom or the coat in the trunk. In private moments, when no one is around to see, it’s ok to loosen the relief valve on all of the shit that’s been tightly contained. I slept in my husband’s hoodies and emptied my bar. I understood those things. No one knew about the nightmares, and I ignored the fact that I was drowning in a million memories of my husband every day I spent at home.

To me, those things go hand in hand with losing the person you love most. Regardless of whether or not you think that Dean loves Cas romantically, you can’t argue that Cas was his life partner in a way completely different from Sam. Sam is his responsibility, Cas was his choice. He loves them both, just differently.

Disregarding the revival of an old character for no apparent reason and the fact that it was one of John’s old cases, I didn’t struggle with the handling of the vampire scene in the barn either. I don’t believe that Dean would have ever killed himself intentionally. He would have seen it as his responsibility not only to survive, but to live. Cas just died to save him, again, and there’s no way that Dean is going to let that be for nothing. For me, it was finally going to a Supernatural convention and taking a trip to Paris. For Dean, it was Pie Fest in Akron. They drove fifteen hours for pie. Live, don’t just survive.

He didn’t intentionally throw himself at that hunk of rebar. It was a byproduct of doing his job. But, I think, his reaction to it was the most real thing that could have happened. He didn’t want Sam to call an ambulance or try to save him. He didn’t want Sam to do anything but give him permission to stop fighting. He needed to hear that it was ok.

I’ve never been close to my own death. I don’t have that perspective, but in the year and a half that my husband fought cancer, I was taught to understand this moment as well. When we moved to the palliative stage of my husband’s treatment, the part where medical care is no longer about treating the disease but is now focused on providing comfort, we talked about everything. The thing that scared my husband the most was leaving me behind. He worried about how I would deal with my grief, he worried about me being alone, he worried about how I would manage a sixty hour work week and four pets and a four bedroom house and a two hour round trip commute. He didn’t worry about being dead, he worried about me being alive.

The night my husband died, we all knew it was coming. There are a variety of medical indicators, blood pressure changes, muscle changes, and most critically, at the very end, the fucking death rattle. I cannot explain this sound, I hope you never hear it, but you’ll know if you do. So, at the very end, when my husband was fighting for every breath, I held his hand, and I told him I loved him and I told him that everything would be ok. It was my way of telling him that he didn’t have to fight for me anymore, that I would be ok without him. It didn’t have to be true, but he had to hear it. I couldn’t let him die with all of that worry and guilt swirling around in his head.

Hearing Dean ask Sam to tell him it was ok hit me so fucking hard. For me, it was the clearest declaration of his love for Cas that he could have given. He literally looked at his brother, who he has sacrificed his life for in a myriad of ways, and asked for permission not to fight anymore.

Sam did the same thing for Dean that I did for my husband. He recognized that Dean would hold on as long as he could just to make sure that his little brother would be ok once he was gone. He knew Dean was miserable and suffering, so he held Dean’s hand, told him he loved him, and that it was ok. It didn’t have to be true, he just had to say it.

To be honest, I didn’t have a problem with Bobby being the one to welcome Dean to heaven. In fact, I think he was a great choice, regardless of whether or not it was a Covid related decision on the writer’s part. Bobby was his dad, someone he trusted, and was the logical person to let Dean know that Jack had revamped heaven before sending Dean out to do what he had to do to find his peace. I didn’t expect an emotional scene, it would have been out of character for both of them.

I didn’t have a problem with Dean climbing into Baby and just driving. Two years after losing my husband and I still do the same thing when the shit in my brain is moving too fast for me to deal. Baby is home to him, a place he feels comfortable and in control, and driving is the best way he knows to find some perspective.

I didn’t have a problem with the montage of Sam’s life. I thought it was terribly constructed, but the content of it was predictable. Sam stayed true to character and did what he asked of Dean before hopping into the pit. He went out and made himself an apple pie life. I would have been surprised and disappointed if it was anything different.

The thing that made me hate the finale was the end. When Dean turned around on that bridge, what we should have heard was “Hello Dean.” That hug should have been Dean and Cas. Regardless of whether or not you think they shared romantic love, Cas was family, name on the table and all. I didn’t need a love confession, I didn’t need a kiss, I didn’t need some grand romantic moment. I just needed that thank-Jack-you’re-not-stuck-in-uber-hell hug like the one Benny watched in purgatory or that Mary saw after the soul bomb. Dean’s been in heaven for a bit, long enough that Sam could have witnessed this one from the passenger seat with a grin.

There’s no way Dean would have found peace without seeing for himself that Cas was safe, and you’ll never convince me otherwise.

[kats-randomology]

Fortune's Isle drabble-- The Offering

He awoke feeling groggy and slightly nauseated, like he was sick or something....but that wasn't right, he didn't just "get sick". That was rarer than a blue moon.

"....ugggh...wha happen..."

He moaned, moving to rub at his eyes that didn't want to stay open-- and found his arms refusing to move, accompanied by rattling and metal grating against stone. He started at the noise, and craned his head back to figure out what the heck was going on.

Heavy chains linked to cuffs around his arms and to the large stone slab he found himself laying on. 

Well that definitely wasn't right. 

Sudden movement made him jump, and he found two figures standing over him. The two villagers from before....

"Uh yeah, hey, I don't know what's going on here but it would be greatly appreciated if you'd nix the chains....and the creepy altar....and you know what the entire room while you're at it."

"Silence." The man snapped as he adjusted his robes. 

"Excuse you?! Don't you 'silence' me, I have a right to be angry here now unchain me before I really get upset--!"

The man clamped a hand over his mouth, cutting him off and reducing his shouts to muffled grunts as he attempted to shake it off, and he glanced at the woman with an exasperated frown.

"Told you we should've gagged him." he muttered.

"Oh shut up and let's get on with it."

The woman stepped away from the altar, dropping to one knee and bowing her heads, and spoke in a quiet, reverent tone. 

"Our exalted one, the god of fortune, we seek your presence once more..."

The candles in the room flickered, before suddenly flaring up in a large plume of emerald fire. A figure became visible, though the back light kept them from being fully seen. The only feature he could make out were the yellow eyes fixated on him as they approached. The man released him, and quickly stepped away, falling to a bow as well.

"We have retrieved the mortal you requested, my lord, as our offering for your works."

The figure moved closer, giving a soft laugh; and then they spoke.

"Indeed you have."

Gladstone's movements abruptly halted.

He knew that voice, he knew it, but that wasn't possible. He'd been banished to another realm, beyond theirs, he'd SEEN him go, he couldn't be--

A snap, and the flames died down, giving him full view of the imposing figure-- though he already knew who it would be. Despite every fiber of his being desperately hoping for it not to be true.

Liu Hai stood over him, sneering at the utter panic and dawning terror in his eyes.

"What's wrong, Gladstone," he asked, leaning over him and grabbing his jaw, "you were so full of fire a moment ago. Where did it all go, then?"

Gladstone flinched at the contact, pressing into the table in an attempt to get some space between them as he tried to jerk his head free. Liu Hai's sneer widened, sharpened teeth flashing in the firelight, inches from his face.

"It's been a while, hasn't it? I do hope you've been enjoying yourself on this little chunk of isolated paradise..."

"Y-you, but....get away from me...!"

More panicked shouts came as he thrashed against the stone, and Liu Hai stepped back, watching his struggles with an amused smirk. He shifted his gaze to the two villagers then, who awaited his response with eager faces. 

"You've done well."

"Oh, good, good, thank you," the woman said with a relieved grin, "so you'll continue helping us, right?"

He waved at them dismissively, turning back to the struggling goose beside him.

"Yes, yes, I'll continue helping your little fields flourish, but for right now, you know the rules."

The man nodded, placing a hand on her shoulder and moving them towards the doors.

"Yes, of course, we'll leave you in peace. Come along, Mary..."

Gladstone watched them go, panic ever increasing as the doors shut.

"Wait wait, don't do this you can't leave me with him, wait...!"

He couldn't be left alone here, not with him, not like this-- well not ever, really, but especially not like this. No weapons, no method of escape, he couldn't even move--

He was well and truly at his mercy; and he doubted Liu Hai had much to give.

He flinched as the spirit leaned against the altar, resting his arms on it in a casual manner.

"So, I suppose you're wondering how and and what I'm doing here?"

Uneasy but ready to grasp at anything that delayed this, he merely nodded, anxiously swallowing as he toyed with a few strands of his hair.

"Well, it was some time after you and your family uprooted my little operation; the people of this island summoned me, begging for my aid in their failing crops and economies. Of course, that was rather difficult since someone cost me a majority of my power,"

His humor briefly vanished, eyes sharp enough to make him wince.

"But, we worked out a lovely deal; they find me decently lucky folks, lure them to the island, and offer them to me as payment for my services. In exchange, I get easy meals to restore my power. But, all the easy meals in the world won't compare to what I can get from you. An endless source of luck, all in one person; but of course, I couldn't hope to contain you without enough magic. So I had to wait, bide my time until I had enough power back, but that's fine, after all,"

The hand tightened, forcing his head to the side as Liu Hai leaned in closer. Gladstone's blood ran ice cold at the sinister grin splitting his face.

"I've had plenty of time to consider my ideas for you..."

A whimper slipped out, and Liu Hai snickered as he patted his head, before straightening and stepping around to the head of the altar. Hands rested on either side of his head as Liu Hai leaned over him, smirking, and licking his lips.

"But I do have obligations to uphold, and I've waited long enough to taste your luck once more, so we should get started."

At this, Gladstone's fight returned full force, thrashing wildly against the stone, chains rattling, feet kicking and panicked cries growing louder.

"No, no no get away...!"

 Liu Hai's voice was calm as he undid his vest.

"Settle down..."

But either he ignored the suggestion, or didn't hear.

His breath was going in and out at a worrying pace, chest rising and falling like a malfunctioning oil rig. He jerked at his arms, despite knowing they wouldn't budge, feet scrabbling against the stone frantically for freedom; his vision was going blurry, and even with his frantic breathing he couldn't seem to get enough in, felt like his heart was in his throat. 

He couldn't do this again, not again, the pain, the burning, the tearing, the nausea-- he needed to get out of here, but he couldn't move, he couldn't breathe, he couldn't breathe--

Hands suddenly grabbed his head in a firm hold, forcing it back so he was staring up at Liu Hai. His face was calm, almost pitying as he leaned down.

"Calm down, Gladstone..."

He couldn't offer a response, only give him a watery, confused, wide-eyed stare. Liu Hai gave a soft smile, it could almost pass for caring, as his thumbs rubbed small circles against his head, as if to offer some comfort. 

"You need to settle yourself before you give yourself a heart attack. We both know full well I'm going to hurt you; right now though, I'm only taking what I need to replenish myself and continue rejuvenating the island's crop fields, so there's no reason to have an episode."

The statement didn't help much in settling his thoughts, as was evident by his continued wheezing and hiccupped sobs. Liu Hai quietly shushed him as he moved away, approaching the side of the altar. He placed a careful hand on him, as if to keep him steady-- and quickly pulled back as a foot flew at him in a wild retort. 

"GET OFF-- GET AWAY, GET AWAY FROM ME....!"

The hysterical shout was cut short as a hand grabbed his leg, and jerked him down, drawing the chains on his arms painfully taught. Liu Hai's calm face had been replaced with a heavy scowl as he leaned over him.

"Kick me, I break your legs. Bite me, I weld your beak shut. Punch me, and I will break your fingers one by one. Do we have an understanding?"

Shaking, he could only nod in response; Liu Hai returned his hand to his stomach, while the other rested on his head, and he hovered over his chest. A sneer found it's way to his face as he met the terrified gaze.

"I'll make this fast."

And dagger-like teeth sank in.

A scream tore through the dim room, echoing down the stone halls.

:

:

:

He didn't know how much time had passed; all he knew was how much everything hurt. His entire being was burning, screaming in pain. But he'd long lost the energy to struggle, limbs too heavy to move, and the weight on top of him kept him effectively immobile.

He couldn't do much of anything at this point, other than an occasional moan. 

His thoughts were a hazy, sticky mess, slow to form, and not lasting long enough for him to use. Just pain, pain and growing nausea that came from these sessions. 

The teeth suddenly and slowly dislodged, drawing another longer whine, and Liu Hai drew back with a content sigh.

"Marvelous..."

Gladstone didn't respond, simply letting his head fall back with another moan. The burning was starting to wane, leaving behind a hollow chill in its wake. His chest was still throbbing with pain.

He could hear and feel Liu Hai moving around, fixing his clothes, rebuttoning his vest, as if all was well. A hand cupped his face, and he forced his eyes open despite his exhaustion. Liu Hai observed him with a quirked smile. 

"Get some rest, my pet, you'll need it..."

Gladstone stared for a moment, thoughts slow to form, before finally he was able to mumble out a response. So quiet, Liu Hai had to lean in to hear him.

"Lemme go......please...please I can't do this again, please just let me go..."

Liu Hai chuckled, rubbing his head in an almost affectionate manner, before pressing closer to hiss in his ear. 

"Never again."

He pulled away then, walking towards the doors.

"I'll have a meal sent in later, for now, just get some rest."

He glanced back, wearing a sinister smile.

"I'll check on you afterwards, see how you're doing; pleasant dreams..."

And then he was gone, leaving only green whisps of smoke in his wake. 

Gladstone was left to himself, lost in his hazy and fading thoughts. Through the mess, the only clear ideas were the dulling pain and the chill spreading to the rest of his body. And the overwhelming terror.

He was trapped here on this island; worse than the House, at least there he'd had free reign, he could walk about, enjoy himself. And had opportunities to get an SOS out.

Here though, here he had nothing. Only this room, this table, at the mercy of a vengeful demon who clearly had been planning this for a while. Every detail, every possibility.

Every horrid idea for revenge.

He was alone with a monster, and there were no pleasant outcomes for him.

[duhragonball]

Dragon Ball Z 230

Last time, Vegeta blasted big chunks out of the tournament stadium, killing hundreds in the process.    Goku agreed to fight him, provided Babidi would teleport them to some place where no one would be in harm’s way.   

Which leaves everyone at the stadium to wonder what the hell just happened.   The World Tournament Announcer discusses the post-tournament ceremony with the winner, Mr. Satan.    Under the circumstances, handing out the prize money doesn’t seem like a good idea, so it’s probably best if everyone just goes home.    This scene seems very weird to me.   I’m pretty sure it’s filler, but either way, this conversation seems a little too “funny-awkward” when it needs to be “hundreds-of-people-just-died-awkward.”   

For example, if you look closely, you can see Android 18 and Marron standing in the background, between Satan and WTA.   She’s been there since the last episode, before Vegeta showed up and killed all those people.   The gag is that Mr. Satan can’t celebrate his victory too much because he keeps noticing 18 glaring at him, waiting for him to pay her the 20 million zeni he promised to her so she would throw the fight.   

I think what’s happening here is that Toei decided to recycle the gag from the last episode, which is a common filler tactic on this show.    Think of all the times we’ve seen Goku running down Snake Way, or training on his way to Namek, or suffering from the heart virus.   But it really doesn’t work here because the atmosphere in the stadium has drastically shifted, or at least it should have.  I know it’s a popular joke that death has no meaning in Dragon Ball because everyone can just be wished back to life, but most of the people here don’t know that.   18 does, but you’d think she’d be more disturbed by what Vegeta just did.   She’s a cool customer, sure, but you’d think she’d want to get her daughter to safety at the very least.

At least Bulma seems to be on track with the story.     “Vegeta... What’s Wrong With You?” could be the title of her autobiography though.

The answer, of course, is that he’s allowed himself to be mind-controlled by a space wizard so that he can finally fight Goku.   No more teases, no more buildup, no more false starts.    This fight is happening, and it’s going to keep happening for a few more episodes.  

So this fight.    What do I say about it?   When I was a kid, I grew up with the lore established after Return of the Jedi came out.    One way or another, I heard that the reason Darth Vader wears his life-supporting armor is because he once challenged Obi-Wan Kenobi to a duel, and suffered severe injuries from it.    I don’t remember where I heard this, but the story was that it was right after he turned evil, and they fought over a live volcano, and he fell in some lava.  

Of course, for younger readers, it’s all a matter of record.    You can just watch “Revenge of the Sith” and see exactly what happened.   But between 1983 and 2005, we only had this one-sentence legend.    I might have come up with the volcano part myself, since I heard “molten lava” and figured there had to be a volcano involved.    For my generation, “Revenge of the Sith” was the payoff to that decades-long speculation.  

The problem with moments like that is that you have to compete with fans’ imagination.   I remember after the movie came out, and I was at a comic book store and heard some guy complain that there should have been more lost-limbs in that battle.    Anakin lost an arm and both legs at the end, but I guess this guy’s bloodlust wasn’t sated.   Maybe he wanted Kenobi to lose limbs too?    Except he won, so I guess his dream scenario was for both of them to chop each other’s hands off and continue fighting one-handed.  

For my part, I was satisfied with what I got, although when you get down to it, it’s never going to hold up quite as well as I pictured it, because I had 22 years to picture it, and I could imagine it from every possible angle, with every possible scenario.   And when you imagine something, you can mix your emotions into the visuals.     Watching Darth Vader fighting Obi-Wan Kenobi on the screen, well, it looks a lot like all the other lightsaber battles in Star Wars, only it’s longer and more intense.    The movie is depending on you to fill in the emotional gaps.   The actors can act in between the swordfighting, but it’s up to you to remember those performances when the blades start swinging.  

What I’m driving at here is that a lot of Goku-Vegeta II is a dead heat.   In particular, you see scenes like this one where neither guy can overpower the other, and they’re stuck holding each other’s hands and blocking knee strikes with their thighs.    It reminds me a lot of the gifs of the Anakin/Obi-Wan fight, which just show them swinging their sabers around.    Stripped of context, it looks downright silly.   DBZ is counting on you to remember this:

This is why they’re fighting.    I don’t just mean the original Goku/Vegeta fight as a whole, or even the outcome of that battle.    I’m talking about this specific part of the fight, Episode 31 of DBZ, where Goku reluctantly used the Kaio-ken X3 and overpowered Vegeta, however briefly.   This was really where Vegeta started taking Goku personally.    After this, he tried to destroy the entire Earth just to kill Goku, and Goku used Kaio-ken X4 to overpower him yet again.   From that point on, Goku spent the rest of the battle on the defensive, relying on Gohan, Krillin, and Yajirobe to finish what he’d started.  

I’m not going to sit here and tell you the rematch is better than the original.   Goku-Vegeta I is one of the crown jewels of this whole franchise.   I still think I like this one better, though, because of the anticipation I had for it.  It fufills a long deferred dream that Goku, Vegeta, and the audience have shared since Episode 36.   One day, they’ll fight again, and settle this. 

So maybe this battle doesn’t have the same underdog factor going for it, and the psychology and choreography isn’t as intuitive.    It’s not as self-contained as the original battle, becaue this one depends so heavily on the viewer being familiar with Goku and Vegeta’s history.   But dammit, I am familiar with all of that, and that’s why I like it.   

There’s not a lot of stalling or desperate tactics here.   Both guys powered up to their maximum at the start.   This is just two guys trying to beat the hell out of each other, but they’re so evenly matched that it’s easy to lose sight of how hard they’re hitting, or how much of themselves they’re putting into every blow.   Like here, Vegeta just got slammed into a cliffside, and he’s disintegrating the rock instead of just moving slightly away from it.    Remember, it’s all about this:

Each of these guys want to pulverize the other this way.    Goku wants to do it to prove that he can sustain this level of offense instead of barely holding out for a minute.   Vegeta wants to do it because he’s still sore that any Saiyan managed to do this to him and live to tell about it.   

There’s also something deeply tragic about this fight, which appeals to me in a way the original can’t tough.    Before, they were two Saiyans.    The last two, perhaps, but Saiyans nonetheless.    Now, they’re Super Saiyans.    The legend said there was only one every thousand years, but now, in spite of everything, there’s two.    They’ve even managed to surpass the Super Saiyan and become something greater, but instead of saving the universe like they might have done before, they’re just beating the shit out of each other while the world burns.   Z stands for the end.

Because every time Goku takes a hit...

The energy lost from the damage he sustains is magically transferred to Majin Buu’s ball.    When enough has been aborbed, the seal can be broken, and Majin Buu will be resurrected.   

Meanwhile, Dabura and Gohan have moved deeper in to Babidi’s ship to try and stop him while the Goku/Vegeta fight is in progress.    This is Stage 4 of his spaceship, and in theory it’s no different from Stages 1-3.    Babidi would normally send a warrior to fight the intruders, and any damgage they take would feed Buu.    Only Babidi’s fresh out of good fighters, so he just sends ten of his low-tier henchmen to hold the line instead. 

For some reason, everyone on board Babidi’s ship looks like these guys, except for Puipui, Yakon, and Dabura.    I never paid much attention to it before, but when you think about it, it’s kind of weird how Babidi only “recruits” the best evil warriors he can find, but his crew all look like they came from the same planet.    I’m guessing these guys were some sort of pirate band or something, and Babidi forced them all to come work for him and run his ship for him, or maybe this ship used to be theirs before Babidi hijacked it.  

Anyway, Gohan takes them all out with a simple ki attack, and they can proceed.    Not sure why these guys had Roman numberals on their uniforms.     It implied that they were somewhat important, but I guess not.  

Anyway, back to this fight.    So yeah, like I said, these two are just going all out.   

They’re using big flashy moves that might be climactic finishers in past battles, but here it’s just standard issue.   

Take this beam struggle, for example.    This was the height of the first Goku/Vegeta battle, but it’s just an appetizer here. 

Like, they can’t even just have a beam struggle, they have to charge towards each other while they do it.   Are they going to punch each other with their free hands while they do this?   

Meanwhile, Trunks and Goten take a piss break on their way to the action.    Some pervy dinosaur peeks on them while they go.   

Okay, so this is my favorite part.   Right here.  Somehow, Vegeta managed to get the better of Goku, so he hauls him up, and it looks like he’s got Goku at his mercy.

Then he slams him into a rock and fires ki blasts that basically at like big staples, to hold Goku in place by his wrists, ankles and neck.   

Then he reminds Goku that he claimed that he would finish this “quickly”.  I think Goku knows better now, but let’s face it, he took Vegeta too lightly.    He was sure that he could turn Super Saiyan 2 and blow him out of the water without a whole lot of trouble, because he’s spent most of their rivalry in the lead.   

Then he slaps him in the face, and Goku can’t do shit.  This part right here is the receipt for all the times Goku looked past Vegeta or failed to take him seriously.    You can argue that he spared Vegeta all those years ago as an act of compassion or sportsmanship, but another way to interpret it is as an insult.  To put it another way, Goku let Vegeta live because he didn’t think he was dangerous enough to kill.    I think that’s how Vegeta’s always seen it, and now he’s out to prove otherwise.   

So he’s just teeing off on the guy now.    The message here is: If Goku doesn’t like this sort of thing, he should have killed Vegeta when he had the chance, because he’ll never get it again.

Then Vegeta has an extended flashback.  The dub has him narrate this, which is one of my favorite monologues in this series, but the Japanese version just plays the footage, letting it speak for itself.    I guess there’s a case to be made for either approach, but Chris Sabat killed this scene.  

The bottom line is that Goku humilitated him in their first encounter by standing up to him and beating him up, and then he saved his life.    Vegeta plans to avenge himself by tearing him to pieces.    He means to kill Goku, which I don’t really understand, seeing as he’s already dead.   

And this is where I think Babidi’s mind control may be somewhat underrated in this battle.    I think it’s pretty easy to assume that this is how Vegeta would normally behave, but is it, though?    Was he planning to face Goku in the world tournament and chop off his arms while their families looked on in horror?   I’m pretty sure he wasn’t this hardcore about it going in.    Before, he had resigned himself to never seeing Goku again, and then he was coming back for the tournament, and Vegeta was excited to face him under any terms, even while governed by the tournament rules, and Gohan’s “no-transforming” request.    He wanted to beat Goku clean, sure, but he wasn’t nearly this bitter about it. 

Now, this fucker wants to vivisect Goku.    I’m pretty sure that’s Babidi’s handiwork, amplifying old grievances that Vegeta had probably moved past a long time ago.   

Except...

Goku’s not done yet.

Every time Majin Vegeta gets surprised, I get a little more excited.    This was what you wanted, wasn’t it?   You self-important prick.    You killed all those people just to get this guy mad enough to fight you.   

WELL GUESS WHAT, JACKASS?

YOU GOT HIM.

ALL OF HIM.

I get chills every time I watch this part.   Majin Vegeta is played up to be this horrible thing.    The awesome power of Vegeta with none of the restraint, and if Goku even tries to stop him, he’ll just be playng into Babidi’s hands.    Critics can say that this is a no-win scenario, or that Goku’s holding back during this fight, or that he’s not as into this as Vegeta is.  

But this sequence here tells the story.    Goku doesn’t have a long flashback to explain his motivation here.   We’ve already seen it.    This blue-pajamas-wearing idiot came to his planet to start shit.  Goku was fighting to protect his home and everything he holds dear, and he barely managed to save the day, and that makes him the bad guy here?   Vegeta broke Goku’s legs in that battle, but for some reason Vegeta wants revenge for that day.    Vegeta beat the shit out of Goku’s son.   Several times.    Then he let Cell become perfect, and Goku and Gohan had to clean up his mess.     Goku’s dead because of Vegeta’s arrogance, but Vegeta wants revenge?

There’s a part here where Vegeta tries to full-nelson Goku and impale him on a stalactite, and Goku just powers out of it.   Goku’s not saying a lot in this fight, but he’s pissed, make no mistake.    He’s just focused enough and gentle enough not to say anything.  

He’s not shooting a Kamehameha inside a cave because he’s detached.    

Vegeta fires back and the whole thing explodes.

So let’s be clear about this.   There’s a relentless, wild animal in this battle, who won’t stop fighting no matter what.   Also, Vegeta is here, and he has a goofy tattoo on his forehead.

Meanwhile, Gohan and the Supreme Kai have arrived at the chamber where Buu’s ball is kept, and Babidi and Dabura are there to greet them.   Babidi isn’t worried at all, since he figures Dabura will be enough to hold them off until Majin Buu is ready.   On the other hand, the Kai thinks he can kill Babidi wile Gohan holds off Dabura, and that should put an end to all of this.  

But he’d better act fast, because Buu’s ball is glowing hot pink, and getting hotter and pinker by the second.   

[rpgmgames]

November’s Featured Game: Shooty and the Catfish

DEVELOPER(S): Daniel ENGINE: RPGMaker MV GENRE: Adventure, RPG WARNINGS: Course Language, Gore SUMMARY: Shooty and the Zaat are a dynamic duo solving monstrous mysteries!

Play the demo here!

Our Interview With The Dev Team Below The Cut!

Introduce yourself! Sure! So my name is Daniel, I guess technically I am an animator. I started out making flash cartoons around 2000 just for fun and became a professional animator in the advertising space around 2007. I have been working in media ever since, both in studios and as a contractor working under the Visitors From Dreams label which is also the label I use for my game development. I started dabbling with RPG Maker in around 2002 but I never got very far. Once I got into the media industry I wanted to pick it up again but with Mac being what almost all my work was done on, at home and in studio I didnt get the chance to actually get into it properly again until MV released, infact I was so excited that I purchased MV the day it dropped and immediately begun development on my first title Flatwoods. Ironically Shooty and the Catfish was developed on a PC, but I digress.

What is your project about? What inspired you to create your game initially? *Daniel: Shooty and the Catfish is set up pretty simply. The 2 lead characters, Shooty and Zaat run a sort of monster investigation unit out of their home. They get calls to different desitinations to deal with different monster problems. I really wanted it to feel like it was set up in a similar way to a lot of cartoons from the 80s, where every episode had a pretty similar but still managed to feel like a little self contained adventure. I have thrown in some little elements of an larger narrative but they are light until the final episode. Originally the series was pitched to Frederator for Cartoon Hangover, it got a little ways into early development but then Youtube changed its algorythm and animation on the platform became a struggle and the project was dropped. I didnt want to waste all the work I had done on the concepts and so I eventually tried to find a way to work them into a game, its taken me quite a few years to get as far as I have with development, but I would be even further back if I had tried to animate it all alone. I created Flatwoods to try and get a small project out, you know, to get some experience with the engine, little did I know how much more I had to learn!

How long have you been working on your project? *Daniel: I pitched Shooty and the Catfish back in 2013 from memory, but it didn't start to take shape as the project you currently see until the last 12 months. In that sense I am incredibly happy with how quickly the game has come together.

Did any other games or media influence aspects of your project? *Daniel: So many things have influenced my work its not funny... Where do I even start? Shooty and Zaat have a bit of a Finn and Jake thing going since when the project was originally pitched to Frederator and thats what they were looking for at the time. Resident Evil 4 (the closest any game has ever come to perfection imo) was the inspiration for the games ammo based combat system. Demons Souls originally derailed the project when I tried to emulate its non linear hub based design (you will notice the demo takes place on a single island instead), that created all kinds of balancing issues though so thats all been stripped back and is what lead to the decision to make the game episodic instead. One element from Demons Souls that remains in the game is a diverse mix of linear and looping level designs when it comes to mapping. The game also features towns that have layouts based on unused maps from the Pokemon GS 97 Spaceworld demo since they never made it into any of the actual games in the series. Pokemon GS also influenced the games visuals. I'm not a big RPG guy, but I played a hell of a lot of Pokemon growing up and Gen 2 is still my favorite. Trying to get MV to emulate the limitations of the Game Boy Color was quite the hurdle, I still cant believe I got it working as well as it is. I also have a lot of cameos from other peoples RPGM games, so there's that. Its a big ol' mixing pot of ideas and inspirations.

Have you come across any challenges during development? How have you overcome or worked around them? *Daniel: Countless, the biggest challenge is always scope though. I originally wanted the game to be like 3 hours long tops, now its well in excess of that and that's before I have even put in meaningful NPC interactions. That's why I have decided to break the game up into episodes, each one should be around an hour which is much more my jam. I don't have a lot of free time so I tend to gravitate towards games that are tight and short, I think that's why I am so determined to keep this game in nice manageable chunks. Now that the game is shorter I don't need levelling so I am starting to tone down the RPG elements. One change always leads to another, but episode one is getting damn close to completion. I say this before I have even had the chance to announce the game's going to be episode on my own blog, ha ha. Episode 1 January, The Great Spore Chore! Keep your eyes out for it!

Have any aspects of your project changed over time? How does your current project differ from your initial concept? *Daniel: As mentioned above a lot has changed, I feel the biggest change was when I tried to move the game from being episodic into one adventure after playing through a bunch of other RPGM games for ideas, it all started to feel a bit aimless and the storytelling techniques I had planned when it was episodic weren't translating well as the game progressed. So I guess now the game is episodic again we have come full circle! So many ideas seemed good on paper but ended up not really being fun or adding anything in practice. Oh yeah, and the transition from Game Boy green to color was a big one based on feedback from the demo. Some people were finding it hard to tell what elements were interactable, doors in particular, I hope that color has helped minimize that issue. Key items will also have an animation on them so they are hard to miss. I'm not a fan of hunting for items in big maps, it's certainly not something I want to subject people too in my own projects.

What was your team like at the beginning? How did people join the team? If you don’t have a team, do you wish you had one or do you prefer working alone? *Daniel: This project has had a few key people involved. Outside of myself I have worked with 2 musicians. One is an old school friend who did music for my animations back in the early 2000's. He has contributed a bunch of really cool EDM which makes up most of the games OST. On top of that there is also a number of optional bosses (one per episode) that have music composed by Secret Agent Ape who worked on Soma Spirits and a bunch of other upcoming games. I have been really lucky to get to work with such rad dudes.

What is the best part of developing the game? *Daniel: I love designing enemy battlers, my process usually involves me drawing a weird shape, sticking some eyes and a big goofy nose on it and trying to come up with a stupid pun to use for a name while listening to bands like Yes or Klaatu. It's bliss. I have a lot of people ask me why I have limited myself in terms of resolution and color palette, and it comes down to one of the important things I told myself when I got into game making as a hobby was that I would stop if it ever started to feel like work. I spend my days doing heavy visual effects and compositing, sometimes doing complex character animation. I want to keep that stuff as far away from my game development as possible. Ironically working within the incredibly restrictive limitations of the Game Boy has ended up being incredibly liberating and keeps things feeling fun as opposed to feeling like more of what I do all day to pay the bills.

Do you find yourself playing other RPG Maker games to see what you can do with the engine, or do you prefer to do your own thing? *Daniel: I always enjoy checking out demo's of upcoming games. Both Heartbeat and Virgo and the Zodiac's demos blew me away from a technical standpoint on the MV front. I still find it hard to believe those demos were made with the same engine I'm using. I guess it really shows what can be done when the engine is in capable hands. I wish I had more time to play actual full releases, I mean Jimmy and the Pulsating Mass just came out and I have no idea when, if ever I will have the free time to play it because its such a commitment. I feel like I am missing out on some great stuff.

Which character in your game do you relate to the most and why? (Alternatively: Who is your favorite character and why?) *Daniel: I guess I relate to different characters in different ways. Slim Grim is the one who hands out assignments to Shooty and Zaat, he is pretty much done with life, over people and the world itself, I think thats something we all have a bit of inside of us. Shooty is a very positive individual, his solutions to most problems is a bullet with a smile, and I think theres a bit of that in all of us as well. Zaats a bit of a cheeky smart arse, so I guess in a lot of ways I am most like her as a person. One of the episodes also features Gerkinman who is and has been a sort of self insert in my work since 2001 so I guess technically I relate to him most... ha ha, but thats cheating!

Looking back now, is there anything that regret/wish you had done differently? *Daniel: I wish I had done a better job keeping the project focused. I feel like a good few months were spent making the game bigger in ways it didnt need to be.

Once you finish your project, do you plan to explore the game’s universe and characters further in subsequent projects, or leave it as-is? *Daniel: All of my games are loosely connected, taking place in the same world. None of them tie directly into each other, im not big on the cinematic universe concept that seems so popular right now, but events in my previous 2 releases and the 5 planned episodes of Shooty and the Catfish are loosely connected in ways people who take the time to look can find. They are also tied into around 17 years worth of animated shorts I have released. I have no plans on stopping now!

What do you look most forward to upon/after release? *Daniel: Well, theres quite a few things... Mapping for all 5 episodes (outside of towns) is complete, so when Episode 1 is done I will be immediately rolling into Episode 2. I am aiming to have an episode out every 2 months which should be doable with so much of the game already finished. I also have a couple of short films I am looking forward to being able to invest some time into, things have slowed down in recent months due to freelance but I am eager to get to animate some of my own work again. I am also eager to see the comments sections on Lets Plays. Both Flatwoods and Hazmat got a bit of Lets Play action and a couple of those have some pretty substantial comment sections. The amount of theories people try to put together for these projects is staggering. I could never write something as entertaining as what the speculations in these comment sections contain in terms of what my games mean, it cracks me up and I find it quite flattering that random people have put more thought into elements of my stories then I have. Makes me want to keep things deliberately vague just to encourage more of it. Lastly I will be releasing all the build files for the project so if anyone wants to make fangames or whatever they have direct access to all of the core files used to build the games. Im a big fan of the concept of a mod community, and while RPGM doesnt exactly allow for that, id love to see people do similar things to my work as whats been done with a lot of LISA fan games.

Is there something you’re afraid of concerning the development or the release of your game? *Daniel: I don't know about being afraid exactly. I am curious about how my business model for the episodic releases will go over. I was planning on releasing them at $1 an episode and $4 for the bundle when it's all complete. I know some people think thats still charging too much, but some people have also told me im not charging enough and that it lowers price standards accross the board for RPGM content. The way I see it if I can cover the costs of Steam and the music I commissioned then I've done alright since this project was for fun, but that's just me.

Do you have any advice for upcoming devs? *Daniel: Just keep at it and set yourself small goals. If your working on a big project break it up into manageable sections. Take things one map at a time, ya know what I mean?

Question from last month's featured dev @overcast-rpg: If you could choose an RPG Maker gamedev to release another game; which one would you choose and why? *Daniel: Oh that's an easy one, The Catamites. I love Space Funeral, it's easily my favorite game made in the engine, and while The Catamites has developed countless games since its release, they have all been in other engines. It would be fun to see them return to the engine after all they have learned about game design since Space Funeral's release and to see what they would do.

We mods would like to thank Daniel for agreeing to our interview! We believe that featuring the developer and their creative process is just as important as featuring the final product. Hopefully this Q&A segment has been an entertaining and insightful experience for everyone involved!

Remember to check out Shooty and the Catfish if you haven’t already! See you next month! 

- Mods Gold & Platinum

[terramythos]

Review: Vengeful by V. E. Schwab (Villains #2)

Length: 567 pages

Genre/Tags: Fantasy, Urban Fantasy, Science Fiction, Found Family, Revenge Narrative, Superpowers, Dark, Time Jumps, Perspective Shifts, Third-Person, LGBT+ Protagonist, Female Protagonist, Duology

Warning(s): Pretty much every previous warning applies here (violence, gore, genocidal thinking, etc). In addition, there is a VERY graphic medical torture scene, physical abuse, references to rape, implied hard drug abuse, and somewhat graphic sexual content. To reiterate: NO ONE in this story is a good person.

My Rating: 7/10

My Summary:

Five years have passed since Victor and Eli’s fateful encounter, when Victor enacted his perfect revenge. He finds himself in an unusual position; with other people to care for. There’s just one problem— his pain-manipulation powers have started to backfire on him. Every few weeks, they kill him. He comes back, but the intervals between episodes are growing shorter, and his amount of time without oxygen to the brain are growing longer. Thus Victor, Sydney, and Mitch enter a desperate race against the clock to find a cure— by any means necessary. Meanwhile, a new force rises in the city of Merit. When Marcella Riggins, wife to one of the most powerful mob bosses in the city, catches her husband cheating, he burns her alive to solve the problem. What he doesn’t count on is for her to come back as an EO with a terrifying power in her grasp. Now she’s out to take revenge and all the power of Merit for herself. As Marcella’s  ascension to power progresses, she inevitably pulls Victor and Eli back into their deadly conflict.

“How many of us do you think there are?” “EOs?” June hesitated. “Who knows? More than you’d think. We don’t exactly go around advertising.” “But you can find them.” The glass was halfway to June’s mouth. Now it stopped. “What?” “Your power,” said Marcella. “You said when you touch someone, you can take their appearance, but only if they’re human. Doesn’t that man you can tell when they’re not?” June’s smile flickered, and returned twice as bright. “You’re awfully sharp.” “So I’ve been told.” June stretched on her stool. “Sure, I can tell. Why? You looking to find more of us?” “Maybe.” “Why?” June shot her a sideways glance. “Trying to eliminate the competition?” “Hardly.” She finished her drink and set the empty glass down, running a gold nail around the rim. “Men look at anyone with power and see only a threat, an obstacle in their path. They never have the sense to see the power for what it really is.” “And what’s that?” asked June. “Potential.” Marcella tightened her fingers around the stem of her glass. “This ability of mine,” she said as her hand glowed red, “is a weapon.” As she spoke, the glass dissolved to sand, slipping through her fingers. “But why settle for one weapon when you can have an arsenal?”

For my review of Vicious, the first book in this series, please click here. 

Full review under the cut. 

I really wanted to give Vengeful a higher score. After all, the first 90% of the book is a solid 9/10, addressing most of the criticisms I had with Vicious and containing much of what I had hoped to see in a sequel. It features deeper exploration of the characters, develops intriguing themes I had wanted to see more of, and expands upon the setting and premise in interesting ways. In essence, it’s a bigger and better version of Vicious… for the most part. However, it falls apart in the ending, to such an extent that it dragged down the whole experience for me. I’ll get into the whys later. But first I think it’s worth discussing the novel in general and which parts of it did click for me. After all, I’m not lying when I say most of it is very enjoyable.

Vengeful is written and takes place 5 years after Vicious. It’s roughly twice the length of the previous entry and features an expanded cast. Three main leads from the previous novel— Victor, Sydney, and Eli— all reprise leading roles. Joining them are Detective Stell (a minor antagonist from Vicious) and two newcomers— June and Marcella, the latter of whom shows up on the cover and in most of the promotional material. I was struck immediately by the writing improvements in Vengeful— including more detailed, imaginative, and interesting descriptions. Schwab obviously improved a lot on the 5-year span between this book and its predecessor.

Basically, Vengeful focuses on where the characters have come over the last 5 years— for better or worse— and how the world adjusts and changes in the presence of EOs— superpowered humans.

Like before, the story is told in an anachronistic fashion. There is an overarching plot, but it hops around the timeline showing different parts of each character’s lives. That could be confusing, but it’s well-executed here, as it was in Vicious. Unlike in Vicious, however, this entry dedicates entire chunks of the book to individual characters. For example, the story opens up with Victor and explores him for a while, then switches over to Sydney, then onwards through the six members of the main cast. Occasionally we get guest chapters starring minor characters or “check-in” chapters with others, but for the most part it follows this pattern. I really liked this approach, because it's a deep dive into each character and their complexities and motivations. There were times I had to backtrack and remind myself what happened in previous sections, but that’s probably more on me than the book itself.

The characters themselves are interesting, and probably the strongest point of the novel. I enjoyed each to some extent. It’s fun to read a story where nobody is a good person, yet what that actually means varies quite a bit. Sydney and Eli had the most compelling stories and arcs; both dealt with identity and one’s place in life and the universe, but explored different facets of the concept. Both characters have changed a lot from their introductions, and it’s been interesting to see. Victor’s struggles and desperation are a far cry from where he finished in Vicious, so that was interesting as well. I thought June was a creative take on a shapeshifter character (more on that later), and her level of obsession with Sydney and its development over time was alarmingly relatable. While I don’t find Stell particularly interesting, I do think he was an essential perspective for the story, and he does expand the world quite a bit with his ties to EON (again, more on that later).

The (somewhat twisted) found family between Victor, Sydney, and Mitch was a big high point of the story for me; there are some indications of it in the first book, but this one goes all-in. I really enjoyed seeing these messed up people genuinely bond with each other and form a ragtag family.

There’s also some good LGBT+ representation in the novel. The relationship between Sydney and June, while ultimately pretty screwed up, is flirty and romantic in nature (and again, uh, alarmingly relatable). Victor is canonically confirmed to be asexual as well. I’m of the opinion that LGBT+ characters should hold a variety of roles, heroic and otherwise, since we’re people. I’m glad to see Vengeful make it happen.

Marcella is probably where I struggled the most (outside of the ending in general). She was initially one of my favorite characters— imagine an ambitious femme fatale turned up to eleven and literally given the power to destroy anything she touches. Her chapters are certainly fun based on that premise. However, I spent most of the novel waiting for there to be something else to her. Possibly a secondary motivation, or some kind of personal moral struggle— anything. But there really isn’t. She is just straight up a character who wants to seize power at all costs because she thinks she deserves it. Marcella is a pretty flat character, which is disappointing when she’s (1) the face of the novel and (2) in a series that focuses on moral complexity and shades of gray.

Vengeful improves upon the worldbuilding in Vicious. Before, Merit was just a generic city setting. But this entry expands upon it— especially its criminal underbelly. It also develops some setting-specific concepts. New to the story is EON, a clandestine paramilitary organization that hunts down EOs and eliminates or imprisons them. Led by Stell and built with the best of intentions, there is nevertheless a sense of dehumanization and genocidal parallels as he struggles to control the expanding organization. It’s key to both Stell and Eli’s character arcs, and there is certainly enough material to expand upon in the future.

This may sound like an odd thing to praise, but Vengeful abandons the whole superhero motif present in Vicious. Yeah, it was an interesting moral dilemma in the first novel— who’s the hero and who’s the villain— but it’s played out by now. Having a setting which features superpowers but isn’t tied down by superhero tropes is a good call and allows for more creative plot and writing decisions.

One thing I really enjoyed about this novel is how it expands upon the superpowers in creative ways. Even established characters have new and interesting developments to their powers that are still in line with previous canon. For example, Victor— whose power is manipulating pain in others— discovers he can manipulate nerves in general, and develops the ability to control others’ movements. June is a shapeshifter, but it’s a unique take I haven’t seen before. Basically, she takes on key memories of anyone she touches, which gives her enough background to convincingly mimic them. In addition, she’s a living voodoo doll. If she sustains injury while disguised as someone else, they’re the one who gets injured, not her. This is used to interesting and creative effect several times in the story.

Overall, this has the makings of a really entertaining novel with some deep character arcs and interesting themes. I should be overjoyed this even got a sequel, and for most of the novel I was. So what’s up with the ending? How could it have so strongly impacted my experience with Vengeful?

My problem with the ending isn’t that I disagree with it, or didn’t like it on a personal level. I’ve dealt with plenty of endings that didn’t go where I wanted (hell, I’ve read some by this author). But I can justify and even appreciate just about any ending as long as it makes sense with what’s been established before. Does it make sense for the characters to end up here, based on their development throughout the story? Does the ending fully realize the premise? If so, it’s an acceptable ending. Even if it’s one I didn’t picture, I can understand and even learn to like it.

That’s not the case with Vengeful. I mentioned characterization as a strong point, but out of the six members of the main cast, I’d say maybe two of them end up in places that even make sense (not even in satisfying ways, just… make sense). That means that four members of the main cast have unsatisfying or nonsensical endings to their character arcs. Considering this, is it much of a surprise the ending impacts the score so much? I finished the novel scratching my head like wow, that’s really it?

And I’ve tried to figure it out, believe me. I finished this book weeks ago and am only now posting the review. I’ve gone back and forth, tried to justify certain endings, went back to see if I missed something, but… nope. And at the end of the day, I shouldn’t need to bend over backwards to justify an ending. It should justify itself. It should make sense in and of itself.

I’ll give an example of one character, because I think it exemplifies the root of the problem. (Obviously this will be vague to avoid Mega Spoilers, but it should be obvious who I’m talking about if you’ve read the book).

There’s one character whose main conflict is they NEED to find a solution to their problem. Throughout the story they seek out and find various people who might be able to help. But nothing is working. They grow increasingly desperate and resort to more and more extreme methods to find the solution. Eventually, they find what seems to be the answer, but their hopes are dashed once again. In a moment of personal growth, this character realizes that there is no miracle coming. Since they are the cause of the problem, the only one who can solve it is THEM. They resolve to find the solution themselves or die trying.

How does this arc end? I’m not even joking— they just straight up find a miracle solution. There is some setup for it… but that setup is tied to a completely different character. And regardless, it still feels like a deus ex machina; it destroys initiative. It’s even worse because this character’s arc peaks when they realize they must SOLVE THEIR OWN PROBLEMS, then the ending hands over the solution with no strings attached. Sure, they technically find it due to their own actions, but it’s because someone unrelated to them or their arc did something. Even then, there were ways to make it work— Schwab could have drawn parallels between characters, or played up the dramatic irony. It would still be weak, but at least it would show some self-awareness. But we don’t even get that.

That’s just the clearest example. There are multiple characters whose key moments are just ignored in the ending. It would be one thing if they realized certain things weren’t that important to them, or in a moment of dramatic irony fell short of where they were meant to go. Those things make sense. But that’s not what happens— the character arcs just end with zero solution to the problems and ideas the rest of the novel spends developing. It’s very unsatisfying, and I found myself wondering what the point of the novel even was. It honestly feels like the first 90% of the book is hand crafted and polished to a mirror shine, while the ending is a first draft with minimal edits and zero continuity with the rest of the story.  

It’s possible, and even likely, that there’s more to the Villains story. Nothing has been officially announced, but certain aspects of the novel just scream it to me. One of the few characters who ends in a decent place has a very “the end… or is it?” outro. There’s a 4-page short story after the epilogue that focuses on a seemingly minor character and her origins. And some aspects of the worldbuilding, such as EON, could be explored more. In short, Vengeful sets up for a book three, or even a spinoff of some sort. But even then, the character arcs still need to make sense in the context of this novel, and they simply don’t. When the main strength and focus of the novel is characterization, the ending HAS to realize that potential. Vengeful doesn’t, and we’re left with a confusing and disappointing conclusion.  

Feel free to take this review with a grain of salt— from what I can tell, Vengeful was critically well-received and a lot of people enjoyed it. Perhaps there really is just something I’m missing. But the ending was enough of a disappointment that it affected the whole experience. It was especially disappointing to me coming from an author I really enjoy. Perhaps there is more to the story, but it’s going to take a lot to win me back on this one.

[aion-rsa]

Is It Better to Reinvent Fantasy Tropes or Pay Homage to Them?

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In August, we brought you the first part of this roundtable conversation between three of speculative fiction’s most exciting up-and-coming authors: Emily Tesh (Silver in the Wood and its sequel Drowned Country), A.K. Larkwood (The Unspoken Name), and Everina Maxwell. In honor of today’s publication of Maxwell’s queer space opera Winter’s Orbit, we’re publishing the second part of their conversation. In it, the writers and IRL friends have a funny and insightful conversation about elves and the value of a homage, the difficulties of writing sequels, and how to name a book.

Q: EVERINA MAXWELL: Fantasy as a genre is constantly reinventing elements it’s had since forever. Both The Unspoken Name and Drowned Country contain elves, for example, or at least something that looks like elves if you squint at them sideways. What inspires you to take a familiar concept and put a new spin on it?

EMILY TESH: Oh thank you, you know I love to talk about elves. For me part of the joy of creating genre fiction is working with the constraints and expectations of that genre, whether you’re running with them or pushing against them–borrowing from what Kass said earlier about reusing characters, it’s helpful to have a paintbox rather than mixing your paint from scratch! I especially love having a starting point for what your readers think is going on; in many ways writing a book is an exercise in mind control–what is your reader imagining right now? What have they guessed? What do they know that the characters don’t? What elements of the story are holding their attention? Sometimes one feels a bit of pressure to subvert, to do an original take that no one has done before. But I don’t think that’s always necessary or even interesting. A boring subversion (you thought… X! But actually… the opposite of that!) can’t carry a story by itself, while the familiar tracks of reader expectation can lead you to interesting places. It’s also the case that having your expectations fulfilled can be a satisfying experience as a reader; personally I love to guess the murderer, to solve the lore mystery, to watch characters who are clearly perfect for each other realise they’re in love. 

Anyway my point is: I find it impossible to talk elves in the fantastic without finding myself in conversation with Tolkien, who just wrote so much elf bullshit. I say this from a place of deep love, as a person who has read all of it multiple times including the obscure stuff that didn’t even make it into the Silmarillion. And while “this isn’t like Tolkien!” is something I’ve heard often as a shorthand for “this fantasy is new and fun and subverts those old familiar tropes you know!,” I knew when I started writing Drowned Country that I wanted to do the opposite of that: I wanted to lean right into Tolkienesque elves–immortals who have outlived their own apocalypse, remnants of a civilization unimaginably older than the human world, and also the cool thing where as they get older and older they start to turn invisible. I think there’s a lot to be said for the homage, the anti-subversion. What is a genre without the echoes and reimaginings, the game of expectations, the mutual understanding between author and reader that what we are reading now is built–for better or worse–on what we’ve read before?

Also elves are cool and great and that’s just facts.

A.K. LARKWOOD: I can’t believe everyone spotted the elves in my book, I thought I hid them so well. Anyway my excuse is because I just think it’s cute to give people pointy ears.

TESH: This is also valid.

Q: TESH: Speaking of sources for fantasy tropes: can someone just like… explain Dungeons and Dragons to me? From a writing perspective, I mean. I know that for some people roleplay can be a hugely productive story-generating engine and I am curious about how that goes because it has never worked for me!

LARKWOOD: D&D as I have played it is good for telling exactly one story, which is “some people who are good at fighting explore a mysterious location.” At its best this is really all you need! God knows I have got multiple huge chunks of book out of this very mechanism! But I don’t think it’s good for generating plot so much as it encourages you to think about character. The role of DM and player are not the same as the roles of author and reader, the axis of authority over what happens to this fictional person is very different, so it gives you a different perspective on… what is it that endears you to a character so much that you get very sad when they are eaten by bugs in a random encounter? What makes it fun to spend time in a certain persona, until they are eaten by bugs in a random encounter? Why do some character deaths feel important and meaningful and others feel frustrating and pointless, such as, when you are eaten by bugs in a random encounter? (This was in 2014. I will neither forgive nor forget.)

Fun fact: many years ago I DMed a game which featured some of the locations in The Unspoken Name as playable dungeons. In this game my future wife played a professional wrestler named Roxanne, which honestly makes me think the whole book would have been better if she’d been at the wheel throughout.

Q: MAXWELL: Both The Unspoken Name and Silver in the Wood have sequels. How did you find the process of writing the second book? How does your approach to character and plot change when you know the reader has probably already met them?

TESH: It’s both great fun and the absolute worst! Fun because you already have a world to play in and some character dynamics to play with, and you don’t have to do nearly as much work establishing things either for the readers or for yourself. The worst for almost exactly the same reasons. Writing Silver in the Wood took me a long time for how short it is, because I was figuring out the mysteries along with the characters. Drowned Country, conversely, was written fairly quickly, but it was much harder. This despite knowing up front almost everything I needed to know (beach episode, goffic ruins, sad vampire, mysterious young lady, elves!)–having to tell a story within an established character framework threw me, because it limited my options for what those characters would plausibly do and feel. The two-year timeskip that I ended up building into the book is mostly there to give me breathing room and shake up the character dynamics a bit–my original concept for it followed hard on the heels of the first book’s plot, and I wrote about six thousand words of that before realizing it was hurtling towards being a sad story about a couple having a bad breakup, which I didn’t want to write! I think it was Kass who suggested “just set it two years later” and it worked like a charm.

LARKWOOD: I had heard all about The Difficult Second Novel and had blithely been like “but I would simply have no problems with this,” and I was extremely wrong! I wrote The Unspoken Name over several years with infinite latitude to rethink and rewrite, and no expectation that anyone was ever going to read it. “Do the same thing again, but different and better, in approximately a quarter of the time, with more people watching” is always a bit of a daunting prospect. My top tip is: don’t be in your final year of law school, or if you must, try to ensure that a global health crisis doesn’t also happen at the same time. That said, I think it was a productive struggle, and knowing that some people are already invested in the characters does mean you can skip straight to being very nasty to them.

Read more

Books

How Winter’s Orbit Went From AO3 to Published Space Opera

By Kayti Burt

Books

Cover Reveal: Winter’s Orbit by Everina Maxwell

By Kayti Burt

Q: TESH: How do you come up with a good title for a book? (Yes this question is here to torment you.)

MAXWELL: YOU HAVE TO ANSWER THIS AS WELL

LARKWOOD: HA HA HA. The Unspoken Name was my working title! I made a list of about 30 alternative options and thought very hard about it for several weeks and – of course – reverted to the original. (but the title of the sequel I got right away – you win some you lose some)

MAXWELL: You title your first draft five minutes before you post it on the internet, then you discover the title you picked has been used by several other books, then you go through dozens and dozens of titles until words no longer have any meaning, then someone else (hi, Ali!) suggests something thoughtful based on some imagery and you’re like yes! That one! Please never make me title a book again.

TESH: Since I HAVE to answer–I don’t see what the problem is, guys! You just say literally what the book is about: e.g. Silver in the Wood is about a guy named Silver who goes into a wood, and Drowned Country is about some country which is underwater. Simple!

MAXWELL: Petition to retitle both Emily’s books Some Trees And A Sad Man.

TESH: Some Trees And A Sad Man and its sequel Same Trees, Different Sad Man.

LARKWOOD: I can’t believe we’ve solved the title problem for all time! Really looking forward to Ev’s upcoming masterwork, Two Boys In Space (Who Kiss), and mine, Too Many God Damn Things Happen In This Book.

cnx.cmd.push(function() { cnx({ playerId: "106e33c0-3911-473c-b599-b1426db57530", }).render("0270c398a82f44f49c23c16122516796"); });

TESH: I think our publicists will shout at us if we do not end with: that’s Drowned Country by Emily Tesh for gay disaster folklore and gothic seasides, out August 2020; Winter’s Orbit by Everina Maxwell for space princes stuck in an arranged marriage, coming February 2021, and The Unspoken Name + 2021’s upcoming highly mysterious sequel by A.K. Larkwood for haunted snake goddesses and orcs with dating problems. If you have enjoyed our conversation, you may also enjoy our books!

Winter’s Orbit, Drowned Country, and The Unspoken Name are available wherever books are sold. The paperback edition of The Unspoken Name is also now out!

The post Is It Better to Reinvent Fantasy Tropes or Pay Homage to Them? appeared first on Den of Geek.

from Den of Geek https://ift.tt/3tkYMT2

[earpdearp]

just coffee

Wherein Waverly and Nicole try to make good on being just friends following the spat in Nicole’s cruiser in episode 1x09.

Sort of an AU? But more like a filler? …It can be both! And all fluff. That’s all I write, really: fluff.

Also on AO3. Approximately 3,486 words.

Other friends fic: just another tuesday (Topic: Waverly’s birthday)

“…Well maybe… just friends…”

“Yea, sure, Waverly. Whatever you want.”

Coffee. They agreed to coffee. Shorty’s Saloon. 3:00PM. Between lunch and dinner when the bar was closed. Waverly didn’t feel like setting up for the night alone and Nicole had a few hours between her first and second shifts.

Easy. No pressure. Familiar spot.

Easy.

Nicole Haught stood outside the diamond-shaped windows of Shorty’s front doors. She shifted the duffle bag in her hand, a change of clothes she hadn’t had time for at the station. She also held her white Stetson respectfully to her chest.

Instead of eagerness, Nicole’s heart felt heavy.

It was all too familiar.

High school. College. The academy. Lather, rinse, repeat, Friends. Once in a blue moon did the cycle break. Just not this time, apparently.

It had been stupid to think this was gonna end any differently. All those little breadcrumbs of hope Nicole had been feeding on, those little smiles and glances and touches…

Stupid stupid stupid. I blew it.

If only she hadn’t been distracted outside the station the other day. If only she had been listening to what Waverly was trying to confess, instead of frustrated about Purgatory being its weird Purgatory self. She did get the chance to apologize, but the damage was already done. And here Nicole was. Standing outside Shorty’s to hang out with her Just Friend, Waverly Earp.

God. Damn. It.

Taking a deep breath, Nicole pressed into the heavy doors but they didn’t budge. She rapped a knuckle against the window and waited. After a few seconds, she heard the click-chunk of a deadbolt. Enough time to smooth her frown into an easy-going smile.

Waverly poked her head out, relief etched in her features. She twisted at a white bar towel in her hands. “Oh thank God,” she chirped with a broad smile. “I was afraid you weren’t gonna show.” Waverly held the heavy door open for Nicole to slip in before relocking the deadbolt behind them.

“Promise is a promise,” Nicole replied, hopefully managing to mask her bitterness. She held up her duffle. “Mind if I change? Hoping to squeeze in a run before evening shift. Gotta be fresh for all that paperwork.” She shot Waverly a mock-serious look and was rewarded with a smile.

“Of course!” Another chirp as Waverly tossed the bar towel over her left shoulder. She pointed at the back “Staff” door. “I’m almost done cleaning the coffee machine. How do you take yours?”

“I’ve heard good things about that Shorty’s cappuccino. Two sugars?”

A sunshine smile with a finger-gun. “You got it,” Waverly replied as she swept behind the bar over to a partly disassembled machine, chrome pieces glistening from a recent rinse.

The Staff room was hardly more than an over-sized closet with a safe for cash, an old computer for inventory, and a cracked window with an ashtray on the sill for smoke breaks. A shitty toilet latch secured the door, enough privacy for Nicole to peel off/fold her uniform shirt and khakis and swap over to running shoes, blue-striped pants, and a long-sleeve Purgatory Sheriff’s Department henley.

Threading fingers through long red hair, Nicole pulled out the French braid and snapped a hair tie to her wrist as she exited the break room.

Back at the bar, Waverly was struggling to kneel on an unstable bar stool to reach a high cabinet. A tan wrist barely crested the edge, fingers feeling blindly as Waverly’s tongue stuck out the side of her mouth in concentration. Her hockey-style Shorty’s shirt rode up higher than normal, Nicole noticed, before dismissing that thought immediately.

“Just friends.”

Nicole strode up as she finished binding her hair in a simple ponytail. “Need some help?”

Hazel eyes lit up in response. “Could you? The lunch crew likes to hide the espresso grounds in the back to screw with me. Still as hilarious now as it was three years ago.” Waverly rolled her eyes before spinning playfully on the bar stool on her knees.

“Three years, huh?” Nicole asked, light and conversational. She dropped her gym bag and Stetson on the counter then flipped the small wooden divider to reach the inside of the horseshoe-shaped bar.

Where the shorter Earp needed a stool, the Officer stood up on tip-toes before her fingers wrapped around a crinkling bag of coffee in the cabinet. When she turned, Nicole could have sworn she saw Waverly’s gaze… somewhere else. For just a second.

“Just friends?”

“Since I was 18.” Waverly accepted the bag (which smelled of a rich dark roast) then measured out a few cups into the coffee machine. The device fired up with a steaming hiss accompanied by warm bubbling sounds.

Turning back to Nicole, Waverly started counting on her fingers. “Before here, I worked at JD’s Restaurant down the street. Didn’t pay as well, but more time to read. I bagged groceries at Safeway before that. And I delivered pizza for one shitty week when I was 16. Hated that job. And in between, I taught some summer gymnastics and dance classes at the rec center for really little kids. That was fun.”

“Busy and popular girl,” Nicole remarked as she leaned her backside against the bar. It was strange being on this side of the counter, like she didn’t belong. Like they were equals instead of customer/server.

Like… friends?

As she started steaming the milk, Waverly shrugged off the compliment. She shot Nicole a curious look. “What about you? What did Pre-Officer Nicole Haught do?” There was a strain to Waverly’s smile, like it didn’t quite reach her eyes.

“Not as rich a life, I’m afraid.”

“Try me.” There it was. That warm smile returned as Waverly scooped sugar into a coffee mug.

“Well,” Nicole started, her hands running along the counter edge behind her. “I worked at Tim Horton’s almost every weekend from high school through university. …Not the same one. Transferred to a different store when I went away for college. But the same routine. Still remember all the menu numbers by heart.” She smirked at another memory. “I was also a lifeguard for a miserable summer when I was 16.”

Long hair swept over a shoulder as Waverly looked over at Nicole. “Ooo! How was that? I always wanted to lifeguard but the pool is too far away.”

Reaching up, Nicole pulled at her ponytail and to show Waverly. “You see this red hair, right? I spent more time bathing myself in sunscreen than I did watching the pool. When one sunburn ended, another would begin. But I was trying to buy a car so I had to stick it out.” She tossed the red strands back over her shoulder and shook her head. “I’m just happy I didn’t get skin cancer… that I know of.” She shot Waverly a theatrical, fearful look.

The smile on Waverly’s face was hard to read. It was a soft, thoughtful crinkle. And just as a faint red started to touch her cheeks, she turned back to the coffee machine. Waverly deftly mixed the espresso into the cup before topping it with foam. She started to slide the mug over to Nicole, but suddenly thought better of it. Waverly snapped her fingers and started digging around under the bar.

Nicole leaned over to reach for the cup, but a hand appeared from below to gently slap her knuckle.

“Just a second! I keep forgetting I bought these.” Waverly appeared a second later with a small container of cocoa powder and a couple of round stencils with simple designs. She offered the metal, paddle-like set to Nicole. “I saw ‘em on Etsy. …I tried the foam pouring trick from YouTube, but I couldn’t even do like a basic heart.” She sighed and rolled the cocoa powder cylinder between her palms.

It was hard for Nicole to hide an endearing smile. Because she had just pictured Waverly hovering at the bar, making cup after cup of espresso and trying to artfully pour milk in. It also made her select a stencil without thinking it through.

Nicole held up the flat metal stencil of a heart, then had to bite her lip to keep the blush from spreading. The choice was not lost on Waverly, whose eyes widened.

Scrunching up her face, Nicole tried to hide the stencil behind her back. “Sorry. I didn’t—I wasn’t trying to—I just thought since you said you had trouble doing a heart the other way… this could count as a success.” She closed her eyes and gave a deep sigh.

God. Damn. It.

Waverly’s voice was soft and small, but confident. “Okay.”

Nicole’s eyes shot open. The other woman wasn’t awkward or blushing. She just held out her hand and offered that crinkling smile. “…okay?” Nicole repeated.

“The customer is always—mostly—right… right? And I said I owed you a coffee, right?” Waverly made a grabby motion with her hand.

“Fair enough,” Nicole said with a small clearing of her throat.

With that, Waverly turned and dusted a (slightly lopsided) heart over the top of the steaming cappuccino. She presented it back with a dramatic flourish. “And thus, the debt is repaid.”

Nicole nodded her thanks and took a sip. She could feel the foam coat her upper lip, but it was hard to take her eyes off Waverly, who stared back intently.

“So? How is it?”

Warm. The cocoa powder adds a nice flavor. Sugar cuts the acid of the espresso. All in all, solid.

“Pretty good,” Nicole said with a nonchalant shrug. She allowed herself another deep sip before swiping her thumb over her lips.

Waverly scowled. “’Pretty good?’ That’s it?” She crossed her arms over the bold SHORTY’S type on her jersey.

Well, we are just friends… Friends can be honest, right?

Nicole tried to soften with a lilting question. “I’ve had better?”

An offended (if good-natured) scoffing noise. “Your gratitude is overwhelming.”

“I’m kidding. It is really good. A good pick-me-up before my run. Thank you, Waverly.” A pause. “…I have had better, though. If I’m being completely honest.” Nicole allowed herself a teasing smile.

Waverly poured herself the rest of the espresso, unruffled by the critique. “Where at?” She wrinkled her nose in thought with one eye skyward. “I think the best coffee I’ve had is in the city at the fancy hotel we had for Prom. So good with like homemade whip cream and everything.”

“There’s this amazing café in Las Vegas where…”

Oh.

No, we are not going into that right now. Not on a first—er, not on a chill friends hangout between friends and only friends.

Nicole cleared her throat. “…well, they made a mean mocha cappuccino.”

“Did it have a fancy—?” Waverly trailed off as she made a gesture over the top of Nicole’s coffee.

“…It did. The logo of the café with lots of swirls.”

That faux-scowl returned. “Damn it. I knew it. Back to YouTube, I guess.” A smile curled across Waverly’s cheek as she patted the cocoa container over her own coffee, this time a sprinkled star on top. She settled in next to Nicole, mirroring her lean against the bar counter. They were just far apart to not be touching.

“I’ve never been to Vegas,” Waverly said thoughtfully with a loud sip. “Never left the Ghost River Triangle, actually. Been here my whole life.”

“Not even for, like, a family vacation? Or a school trip?”

A derisive laugh in reply. Waverly’s nose wrinkled with the barest hint of a scowl. “Just to the city. School trips to the museum or the stockyard for 4H stuff. And no family vacations. Daddy died when I was 6 and Aunt Gus and Uncle Curtis were too busy with Shorty’s or their farm to bother with something like that. Though now with Uncle Curtis gone…” She trailed off, long hair slipping over her cheeks as her head tilted down.

Reaching out, Nicole gently touched Waverly’s wrist. She was slow and careful, trying to avoid the awkwardness that happened in her cruiser. Two soft strokes before the hand returned to Nicole’s coffee mug.

We should go somewhere, Nicole wanted to say. She could even mean it in a friendly way… sort of. Mostly. Maybe.

“I never did much as a kid either,” Nicole said instead. “Didn’t start seeing any of the world til I graduated college. And that was mostly training camps and emergency management excursions sponsored by the government.”

After a few moments in silence, Nicole nudged Waverly’s side with a gentle elbow. “Well, I’m glad you stuck around Purgatory.”

Waverly gave a small sniff as she reached up to push her hair back. “Me too” was barely audible past a soft smile.

An alarm on Nicole’s phone chimed, a reminder to start her workout soon so she’d have time to return to the station to shower before paperwork. But she wasn’t quite ready to leave just yet.

“Gotta go?”

“…I’ve got time.” Nicole took a slow sip, smiling into the cup. “So, what is a day in the life of Waverly Earp?”

Chuckling, Waverly stroked her chin. “With Wynonna? I don’t even know anymore.”

“Hard to plan around?”

“Impossible,” Waverly confirmed with a sigh. “Used to just be yoga, study, Shorty’s, sleep. And occasionally I’d go out with—well…”

Another nose wrinkle and tight smile. Waverly certainly did that a lot, each with a different meaning. This one seemed a mix between embarrassment and a scowl.

…Champ. Of course.

Waverly did not elaborate. Instead, she took a deep sip of her coffee before continuing. “…but with Wynonna and Dolls and their coming and going all hours of the day and night… Some days I’m grateful I make it to work, if only for the familiar routine.” Her face fell as she glanced behind them.

Nicole followed her gaze to an empty booth near the door with a large spread of paperwork. Official looking documents were arranged in haphazard stacks.

“Anyway.” Waverly cleared her throat and pushed up from the counter. “I’m keeping you from your run.” A tired, evasive smile as Waverly busied herself with stowing the cocoa and stencils back under the bar.

Rumbling out an “Okay,” Nicole relinquished her empty coffee mug to the busy woman. As she started to gather her duffle and Stetson, a snapping noise turned Nicole’s attention.

“Hey! What are you doing for dinner?” Waverly stood with her arms crossed, hip thrust out, expression neutral.

Oh!

It was hard for Nicole not to stare back, heart stuck in her throat. “I—I was… I don’t—“

Waving a menu, Waverly skipped over to Nicole. “You’ll probably be hungry after a run, yea? I could ask Martin to fire up the grill early so you could take something back to the station?”

Oh…

“Oh. That would be… really great, actually. Lunch was forever ago.”

Not as great as—well.

Waverly smiled broadly. “And you could save the trip to your car and just pick your stuff up when you get back, right?”

Finally regaining her composure, Nicole managed a smile of her own. “You just want an excuse to try on my hat.”

“Maaaaaybe,” Waverly returned with a singsong. She walked her fingertips over to the white cowboy hat. But instead of trying it on, she stowed both under the bar in a clean, safe spot. “…not while you’re looking, obviously.”

“Obviously.”

Surveying the menu, Nicole asked, “Which is your favorite?”

“Oh! Hmmm!” Her long hair swayed with her head-tilt. “Probably the nachos, though only because it’s like the only vegetarian thing on there.” A nose wrinkle and a shrug.

Vegetarian. Noted.

“Pass,” Nicole replied with a grin. She pointed at an item under SANDWICHES. “How’s the chicken salad?”

“I’m told it’s great. I’ll get Marty on it when he’s up from his nap.”

Pulling her wallet from her pocket, Nicole waved a $10 bill.

Waverly shrugged it off. “On the house. I know the manager.” She winked and flicked a towel at Nicole to vacate the bar. “Get going, Haught! No rest for the wicked!” And just like that, Waverly pushed through the double doors to the kitchen and was gone.

Folding the bill, Nicole tucked it into the large glass (empty) tip jar before pulling her wireless ear buds from a zippered side pocket. A hard guitar riff started up in her playlist, “Bury Me With My Guns On” escorting Nicole down the Purgatory street.

Nicole rapped on the glass once more, out of breath and feeling the chill of the air through her henley. She smiled broadly at the sound of the deadbolt. That smile froze on Nicole’s face when she was greeted not by Waverly, but a stern older woman.

“Mrs. MacCready.”

“Officer Haught,” the woman returned cooly, dark eyes hard. She did allow Nicole entrance, but with sharp, abrupt movements. Gus called for Waverly, who was apparently in the kitchen.

There was an awkward silence as Gus headed to the closest booth, paperwork waiting at the table. She continued writing for a few moments, allowing Nicole to quietly catch her breath and rub the chill from her arms.

“So.”

“Yes, ma’am?” Nicole replied with respect, stretching out her calves on the wooden steps. She smiled awkwardly.

Gus did not return her smile. “You know, Champ used to come around. Begging for freebies. Free food. Free booze.” It was a loaded, simple statement. She glanced over at Nicole significantly before returning to her papers.

Defensiveness burned in Nicole’s chest. “I’m not Champ, ma’am. I offered to pay. Waverly wouldn’t let me.” She gestured to the tips jar, her folded $10 bill from earlier balanced upright.

Gus’s dark eyes flicked over to the jar, an impressed pull at her cheeks before her stoic expression took over. “Hm.”

The comparison was not lost on Nicole. And it felt like she’d just passed a test of some sort. Especially since this was the longest conversation she’d ever had with the matron of Shorty’s.

A shout drew Nicole’s attention to the kitchen. “You’re back!” Waverly grinned wide, holding a styrofoam container in triumph. “Perfect timing! Just pulled the fries from the deep fryer.” A plastic bag rustled at her wrist as she bagged the container with a few packets of ketchup.

With Gus watching, Nicole pushed away the temptation to go back to the familiarity behind the bar. She fixed a smile to her cheeks and met Waverly at the apex of the horseshoe counter. Nicole’s duffle and Stetson were already waiting for her.

“Have a good run?” Waverly asked.

No. I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I ran away so hard from this place that I was out of breath for 10 minutes… then I had to run all the way back.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

“It was fine, thank you. Everything okay here?”

Waverly’s voice was a warm chirp. “Perfect! Thanks for keeping me company earlier.” She patted Nicole’s collection and pushed it over. “Good luck with all that paperwork tonight!”

“Thank you, Waverly,” Nicole said warmly. “For—well—everything.” Her fingertips accidentally brushed Waverly’s wrist, but the woman didn’t flinch. In fact, she smiled wider.

Setting her Stetson on her head, Nicole tipped it at Gus MacCready as she padded up the steps. The woman’s chin raised in acknowledgement, but she returned to her documents.

Outside in her cruiser, Nicole opened the passenger door to stow her food and duffle. A flash of pink caught Nicole’s attention out of the corner of her eye. Inside the bag stuck to the Styrofoam container was a post-it note. On it was Waverly’s SnapChat handle with a doodle of a cowboy hat.

Nicole smiled and settled into the driver’s seat before pulling out her phone. Tapping into her own app, she added a “Waverly95” and sent an invite from “NHaught.”

Nicole turned on the cruiser on and angled towards the municipal building (a quick 5 minute ride a few streets over). She would have plenty of time for a shower and change before starting on her evening work. The day off tomorrow would be a welcome distraction from… all of this.

Except her phone pinged as she pulled into the private lot. New SnapChat from “Waverly95.”

A series of images streamed onto Nicole’s phone. All of Waverly at Shorty’s in her Stetson.

Waverly at the piano pretending to play.

Waverly making a face next to the grainy image of Wyatt Earp, her finger a pretend-moustache.

Waverly with an arm around Gus, who looked to be mid-conversation and confused by the phone in her face.

Waverly pursing her lips with the hat tilted over one eye.

Waverly pretending to talk to a beer mug wearing the Stetson, a fake laugh frozen on her face.

Wait.

Wait wait wait.

…What?! What was that second to last one?!

But it was gone, the app timer ticked down to zero.

God. Damn. It.

[casualarsonist]

Rogue One: A Star Wars Story review

When Rogue One was released around this time last year, I wasn’t going to be caught dead watching it at a midnight premiere as I had for The Force Awakens. A deep disdain for TFA had settled in during the previous year, and news of reshoots and studio meddling during Rogue One’s production sent the message loud and clear that Disney had finally collated their data following Episode VII’s release and were now using its formula as a template for all further releases; aiming for what I believe to be a lowest common denominator approach had been a massive financial success, so why, as a business, would they want to change that approach? I know that in releasing a stand-alone film, Disney were indeed doing something out-of-the-box, so I can’t reasonably shit on them for EVERY decision they made, but it seemed that even then, my greatest fear was coming to bear - not that they would make shitty Star Wars films, but that they would make middling Star Wars films. And sure enough, the reviews largely bore out my premonitions, describing Rogue One positively but calling it disjointed, unnecessary, and lacking in significance in the same way that Episode VII did (although I would argue that the only thing of significance in TFA’s plot was when it disposed of a pivotal character).

But remember in the last review when I mentioned that hope? That terrible hope drew me back in. For no matter how simpering or weak a live-action Star Wars may be and no matter how hard I resist the pull, my curiosity always gets the better of me in the end. I wasn’t excited for Rogue One - Disney had managed to kill that for me - but I decided to see it none-the-less. And as I walked into the cinema I had this weird sinking feeling in my stomach (Christ I really am a fanboy, aren’t I?) as visions of half-finished plotlines, inconsequential Macguffin superweapons, and so. many. fucking. gags swam in my head. I mean really, the idea for Rogue One is about as safe as one could get given the supposed new ground that was being tread - it’s essentially a recreation/retconning of a backstory that has already been long established, and of which the entirety of the audience knows the end result (my treatise on why prequels are a universally garbage idea is for another article). And as I said, I wasn’t afraid that it would be shit, only that it would be boring and predictable, for again I find myself playing a role I never thought I would play in siding with the George Lucas prequels by asking the question ‘who could have known what any of them were going to be like before they were actually released?’ No-one. 

Who could possibly have seen this coming?

So I sucked it up and went to see Rogue One in a cheap cinema that only charged me six pounds for the pleasure. And after all the build-up and the let down and stupid melodrama regarding an intellectual property that hadn’t released a good film in forty years...I was surprised. A bit. 

I was a bit surprised. 

I was surprised by Riz Ahmed’s genuinely affecting character arc. I was surprised by Darth Vader’s really actually terrifying display of power in a penultimate scene. I was surprised by the narrative stakes established in the latter half of the film. I was surprised by the risk the filmmakers took in deciding the fates of the central characters. And of course it had a lot of problems, and some of the things I liked may be just as easily disliked by others, but when I left the cinema having actually felt real feelings because of the things I’d seen on screen - more than once - I was surprised that Rogue One had actually managed to exceed my expectations. I’ll expand more on this in a second, but first, a snarky plot synopsis:

Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (ugh) is the immediate prequel to A New Hope. It opens on an isolated planet on which engineer Galen Erso (Mads Mikkelsen) lives with his wife, and daughter Jyn. Galen is a reknowned polymath and committed pacifist, although you will learn almost nothing of this unless you read the wiki: Rogue One is a Disney Star Wars film, so of course large chunks of important character-building are omitted (because who needs to understand the people in the movie when there’s a blind guy hitting stormtroopers with a stick). Ben Mendelsohn phones in the beta-villain character of Orson Krennic, and kills Jyn’s mother in order to coerce Galen into working on what will be the Empire’s greatest weapon - the Death Star (ugh). Cut to a decade later and Jyn (Felicity Jones) is a stroppy young woman with all the charisma of moist denim. She is reluctantly required to care about the fate of the galaxy, but apparently this is a big problem for her because IGN says she ‘put up walls’. She’s freed from an Imperial labour camp by the dashing and committed rebel Cassian Andor, and brought to Saw Gerrera - a veteran of the clone wars, a close friend of her father’s, and the man who raised her after her Galen was taken. Saw is a character from the Clone Wars animated television series, which every person the audience of this film will definitely have seen, so therefore his backstory is all but omitted as well. Saw is holding captive an Imperial defector who brings word that Galen has left a weakness in the design of the Death Star. The rapidly expanding group of misfits are then tasked with venturing deep into the better half of the film to procure the plans to this superweapon. 

Now to be clear, Rogue One is not at all consistent - certainly less consistent than The Force Awakens. But it does quite a few things that TFA failed to do: be a complete film that managed to successfully close its own story whilst remaining a worthy stepping stone to a larger narrative, for example, or have tangible stakes and a final battle that feels like a genuine struggle against insurmountable odds. It also succeeds in taking a different approach to its tone than Episode VII, not in terms of 'darkness’, but in terms of emotional realism. The characters still have their one-liners and moments of charm, but Diego Luna’s Cassian is a life-long member of the rebel alliance and has a wonderful scene in which he attacks Erso’s flippant attitude towards the work they’re doing, and it feels real. He isn’t gurning like a cartoon character, or trying to be another cooler-than-cool Han Solo - he understands the weight of their mission and that its importance stands above their own individual concerns, and when he convinces Jyn of its importance, he convinces us as well. So too does Riz Ahmed’s defecting Imperial cargo pilot exhibit the characteristic signs of being a real human, and while his background is passed by faster than it ought to be, over the course of the film he undergoes a clear transformation from someone doubting his choice to turn against the Empire out of fear for his own life, to someone who comes to embrace his convictions and find strength in the act of doing what he knows is right. 

Bruh.

Not every character is as well-realised, though. As mentioned, the film’s focal point - Jyn Erso - is as likeable as a cracked plastic toilet seat. Her endless cynical brooding is exhausting, and Jones fails to encapsulate the complex emotional broth that is supposed to be feeding her sanguine emotional state. She is joined in this limbo by Saw Gerrera whose motivations are hidden almost entirely in the animated series. I still can’t figure out why the hell Disney would waste time in reshoots fiddling with the tone of the film instead of fleshing out the characters upon which the entire first half hinges on? In any case, his words and choices carry little weight because we don’t know who the fuck he is or why he makes the decisions he makes.

‘Save the Rebellion! Save yourself!’

The rest of the motley crew also lack the collective core strength of The Force Awakens’ central characters, but that isn’t to say that they are entirely redundant. The second half is widely recognised to be superior, and I believe that’s because it successfully manages to establish a set of compelling stakes, and makes us care about at least some of the characters that are putting themselves at risk. Either that, or it’s because there’s more shooty-bang-bang.

<sexual moaning>

I found I could forgive a lot of this though, because, despite the odd bump in the road, the film ends on a high, and you can’t forget what Rogue One is required to do in its run-time either:

Introduce an ensemble cast and make the audience care about their individual and collective fates,

Simultaneously re-establish certain older characters for a new generation of viewers,

Introduce and acclimate both older and newer audiences to the backstory of this film,

Introduce and acclimate newer audiences to the backstory of the older films,

Provide a self-contained and entertaining narrative that is cohesive with the established canon and appeals to people who wish to enjoy the film on its own merits,

...all in the space of two hours. 

Now let’s look at what The Force Awakens had to achieve:

Don’t be shit. 

Have mass appeal. 

Be a self-contained story that can be enjoyed on its own merits. 

Be a meaningful continuation of the classic character’s stories. 

I’m sure there are many that would disagree with me, but I’d argue that while Rogue One is probably a less cohesive film overall, it achieves more complex goals with greater success than The Force Awakens.

But look, let’s be honest - obviously it’s not Citizen Kane - Rogue One is a film with many faults: the first half, for instance. And while I’d say that even the first half isn’t without merit, it needs to be understood just what you’re getting with this new breed of movies. At the end of the day, no matter how interesting a concept they may have, they’re always going to be tampered with by the studio; no matter the talent of the writer and/or director, they’re always going to fit a certain mandated mould. But the light in the darkness is that we will occasionally get big-budget, live-action films that fall outside the central narrative canon just like this one - films that Disney won’t obsess over quite as much because they don’t ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO MAKE A BILLION DOLLARS IN THE FIRST EIGHT SECONDS OF THE OPENING WEEKEND - and maybe, just maybe, they’ll be alright. And Rogue One is alright. At certain points it’s really good. And it ends whilst riding a wave of energy and emotion that makes you feel like you just watched a decent fucking film, as opposed to The Force Awakens, which feels like a tv serial and you’re supposed to tune in next week to get to the good part of the story. And I think that’s something worth commending. You might disagree, but I think that makes it a good film. 

The CGI Moff Tarkin is a fucking joke, tho.

7/10

Good

[kingofthewilderwest]

What do you think about the ne Dagur? because I'm still not sure what to think about him. I do think that he has genuinely changed but I don't know whether to like it or not.

I’ll admit I’m also emotionally divided about new!Dagur. Everyone is free to love the new Dagur or not get drawn to the character, of course; for me, personally, I both prefer Dagur as an antagonist, and I feel as though new!Dagur has a lot of potential that’s not fully capitalized upon.

One of the reasons why Dagur is such a powerful antagonist in Defenders of Berk and the start of Race to the Edge is because of his chilling, sociopathic tendencies. Dagur is impulsive, emotional, full of violent outbursts, and contains little ability to form emotional attachments with others. This means that Dagur, as a villain, knows no bounds: he will be willing to do anything to get his way. Because Dagur is a villain with unlimited potential to do anything, it means he is rather terrifying.

At the same time, there’s also a strange appeal to Dagur: his sense of humor, his off-kilter personality, his emotional swings... all these create a fascinating and unique individual that is fun to watch on screen.

But because of Dagur’s psychological mindset, bent on revenge, and in many ways incapable of forming emotional care towards others, it means it’s hard to give him a realistic-feeling redemption arc. This is one of the reasons why I prefer Dagur in a villain role: his psychology makes a lot of sense here, and trying to turn him into a good guy enters a whole bunch of complicated knots of motive, psychology, and realism.

The other reason I’m not 100% sold on the new Dagur is because I don’t feel as though he’s written to his full potential. Though I personally would not have given him a redemption arc, the writers made a rather interesting narrative choice by giving him one. In truth, as I have watched through all of Race to the Edge, I do find Dagur’s story appealing. I do find myself drawn to the new Dagur, even liking him, and wanting to see him develop further. I realize that Dagur’s story has a lot of emotional potential. It’s interesting, it’s fun, and it has appeal. If it had been written to its full potential, I think I would love it.

As it is, I don’t believe that Dagur’s story is written to its full potential. The reason is that, even though the writers tell a story of Dagur changing, we don’t see the change in process. We see Dagur’s character develop in spurts and chunks. It’s like we get little blocks of Dagur in different developments, but we completely lack the transitions of how he went from one mental stage to the next. While the writers try to give us some explanation for how that transition occurred, we don’t see much of it occur, and thus it doesn’t have full storytelling power.

We see Dagur choose to defy Viggo and release Heather. But instead of seeing Dagur’s questioning of authority develop, and him gradually change from a villain to an ally... we have a time skip. When audience members see Dagur again, he’s abandoned on an island and already very far into the process of personal change. The one episode “Enemy of My Enemy” tries to show Dagur in a point of transition by having him give some vocal outbursts, but overall showing a change of heart. But because Dagur is so far along in this change, and because we only see him in this “transitional” stage for one episode, the change in Dagur’s character is jarring, shallow, and incomplete. The result is it feels unrealistic and underdeveloped.

A similar lack of proper transitional material occurs with Dagur and Heather’s relationship. We go from Heather being completely angry at Dagur in S3 to willing to fly away with him on adventures in S4. We again have one episode where this transition is supposed to occur, but because we get so little transition time, it feels psychologically implausible. We have very short transition times before something radically changes in the nature of Dagur’s life journey. It’s not how life works.

Because Dagur’s transitions are lacking, there are some uncomfortable implications I feel subconsciously arise from the narrative. The big one for me is that I want to like Heather and Dagur’s new sibling bond... but it’s written in such a way that it makes me worried. Dagur was a sibling who did horrible, horrible, horrible things to Heather. He separated her from their family - and, much more recently, murdered her foster parents and slaughtered the people of her foster tribe. Heather considers Dagur to be a monster for many, many good reasons. A little bit of bonding time together in one episode is not sufficient to heal family rifts... and indeed we never get a good conversation between the two where they address Big Deals like Dagur killing Heather’s parents.

In a real world scenario, this sort of instant bonding between people doesn’t happen. Heather should be far, far more reserved and slow to trust Dagur than she does. There should be a long and ongoing struggling because of the horrific traumas he has caused her. The writing doesn’t deal with why Heather doesn’t trust Dagur... instead we get this story where suddenly it’s okay to be chummy with the guy who murdered her loved ones.

Making relationships like this without safe resolution can be dangerous in the real world. I believe that we should forgive people seventy-seven times seven times... but we also need to be realistic and safe. If there is someone who murdered our loved ones, there needs to be a very good reason why we would hang out with them. Otherwise, it’s just dangerous. If I listened to someone who abused me in the past say that they’re better now... well, I could just walk right back into a cycle of abuse.

If Dagur’s transitions of character had been better and more developed, I would feel far fewer reservations about Dagur and Heather coming together in S4.

There is a lot to Dagur’s story I like because of the underlying potential. I do admit that there is something that draws me to the new Dagur. It is fun to see a personality like Dagur teaming up with Hiccup. I can see the appeal in it, and I do find myself drawn to it. The reason why my feelings are a little divided is because I feel as though the story doesn’t pull out the full potential or cover issues that need to be covered.

Yes, I’m on board with new Dagur. I am. I prefer him as an antagonist, but I’m overall on board. It’s not how I would have written it, and I really wish we had had better transitions with his character, but there’s enough appeal I can enjoy the story regardless of its imperfections.

I’m not going to complain and whine about the growth that isn’t perfect. I’m happy that Race to the Edge gives this story, and I am content for the good it does. But I will recognize it could be better, and these are the reasons why.

[postmodernmulticoloredcloak]

Witchcraft and bisexuality, what more can I ask for

First few words about the episode before opening my dash...

The promotional clips gave away a lot of the episode, which is something I always have a lowkey problem with because it happens so often that they spoil pretty much entire episodes with the promotional material (the first promo for 12x12 at least seems to be good on that front, it doesn’t really say much lol) because for good chunks of the episode I was like “yeah I know that, now make something happen I don’t know about” which is not a really cool feeling and kind of ruined the experience of watching the episode a little for me. But this is not the episode’s fault...

I must say, a lot of things didn’t happen as I expected, but mostly better tbh! I also spent the last week imagining which previous episodes this episode would reference, and definitely I didn’t expect to be smacked with glorious siren feels and a callback to the “did you service Oberon” moment in 6x09 just to name two because of reasons... In general the bisexuality vibes were so highkey lol. I expected that the episode would contain bits of bi Dean subtext, but I expected something more on the lines... “oh Dean happens to ride a bull *wink wink*”, not “Dean explicitly seduces a person by showcasing how awesome he is at riding Larry and that is also emphasized by the episode as much as it can possibly get by making it a major focus of the emotional narrative”. Or making it stand out in Dean’s attention that sirens can look like guys.

Rowena is also implied to be as straight as her hair. Speaking of which - Dean being nice to her destroyed my heart. You know, I expected the dynamic between Dean and Rowena to be slightly different - to fit more in the mother-child theme of the season, instead Rowena’s role in the episode was less about general themes and more about herself. The episode showcased that what she needs is a friend - all the relationships she’s had with people have been about power dynamics or about her using them or them using her. How many times do you think she was complimented on her hair or being told she’s cool by someone with zero ulterior motives? And she ends up being open and sincere with that Dean, knowing it won’t last and it’ll mean nothing.

Basically we got some Rowena backstory in relation to herself specifically, a lot of reveals of her feelings and personal struggles, and a huge banner “the witches-men of letters storyline you were expecting is here!” so I call it a win.

My Cuthbert Sinclair radar keeps beeping - last episode with Lily using soul magic (including not to age), now not just with explicit references to the MoL and witches, but with highkey general parallels to Blade Runners, in a way that contrasts Magnus with Rowena again after The Werther Project, and you might have noticed this is absolutely my jam.

In hindsight obviously an episode with Sam asking Rowena for help and a degenerative magical illness was going to parallel The Werther Project so strongly (other than the magic book paralleling Nadya’s codex, there were even Purgatory feels from Dean chasing the witch in the woods, and the broken glass shards were also a callback). And a parallel to The Werther Project obviously means a parallel to Blade Runners. For a person that seeks for Magnus hints everywhere, I am disappointed in myself XD

The reconstruction of Dean’s night in the bar and with the lady was very well done - I didn’t expect Dean to actually have fun with the lady but it turned out better, because it has multiple purposes for the narrative. First of all Dean is put in a “feminine” role: he seduces his partner with his Larry-riding skills (which we see a woman do in the scene when they question the bartender, and the bull being called Larry in general clearly showcases that it’s an activity that straight male patrons don’t do), and the cover story Sam uses is Dean having been roofied, which leads the lady to apologize for having taken advantage of him - of course that is a thing that can happen to everyone regardless of gender, but we know how “traditionally” it’s girls that get roofied and taken advantage of sexually. Furthermore, rarely in media you see an acknowledgement that that can happen to men too, and the episode not only doesn’t treat it like a joke (of course we know the events didn’t involve roofies or sexual assault, so the scene was light for us, but Sam’s cover story involving roofies was meant for the bartender to take them seriously) but it hints - again - to the fact that Dean has a history of that.

Also, the line first action in I don’t know how long and it’s like it never even happened is extremely significant - it’s another instance of the show taking something from subtext and giving us a textual confirmation. We suspected that Dean hadn’t been with someone sexually in a long time, but of course it could be argued that it had happened off screen - now the show spells it out for us. It’s also symbolically significant that the relation with the bartender “is like it never even happened” but I’m going to dedicate another post about that some other moment.

Anyway - Dean won’t let you give him any shit for loving Dory okay?

[theadventuresofhelena]

Japan was a dream

Ugh. I was absolutely floored with how amazing Japan was. I expected to like Japan but not fall in love with it. Everything about it was amazing, it was a perfect first port. We arrived on January 24th and it was absolutely freezing cold, but we were determined to be outside to watch us pull in to our first real port (Hawaii didn’t count in my mind). My toes were frozen and my body was an icicle, but it was so wonderful. Everyone was so excited to finally be landing in a new country. At the port the workers had balloons and a marching band to welcome us, it was so cool to see and hear them play. We definitely felt like they were so excited for us to be here. My first day in Japan consisted of a Field Class for my Abnormal Psych class. We traveled by bus from Kobe to Kyoto where we went to a temple and had a class on meditation and got to speak to a monk (this relates to my class because of mindfulness). Immigration took forever so by the time I was able to get back on the ship I had to run to get my things, swallow down some sandwiches, and then run to the lounge where my class was meeting. We left about 10 minutes later and went to the bus, the drive from the cities didn’t take too long and it was really cool to see Japan by bus for the first day. Once we got to the temple grounds we had to walk a bit before getting to the actual building, but it was fun to see the little village it was in. We got to the building and had to take off our shoes and bags and then walked to a little room down the hall. When we got inside the room we were all silent because we had no idea what to expect and were unsure of what to do exactly. Eventually the monk slides open the door and pops his head in and says “Hey, hows it going?” And immediately we all start laughing because we had this stereotype of a monk and he broke it within the first second of walking in the room. He turned out to be a really cool guy and he actually travels to the US to speak on Zen Buddhism at universities which I thought was pretty cool! Anyways, I learned so much but I can’t say it all otherwise this post will be one million pages long, but we talked with him for a bit and then we meditated and I found out after about 7 minutes I’m pretty bad at it! But hey, it was fun and definitely something I wouldn’t mind trying more of in the future. After the meditation class we drank real Japanese Green Tea (which wasn’t that bad!) and some interesting rice-looking cookies (not quite sure what they were made out of). Then we talked with him some more and left to go to eat at a local restaurant. The restaurant meal was unreal. It was so freaking good. It had a little bit of everything on the plate (yes I took a photo, and you bet I’ll be adding it on here). There was shrimp, salmon, squid, tofu, a fish of unknown origin, veggies, green tea, rice, the whole nine yards! And those of you who know me know I am not a big fish person, but I’m in freakin Japan so I’m gonna eat it. And not gonna like ALL of it (minus the salmon) was AMAZING. The squid was probably my favorite out of all of them, it was SO good, I was shocked. I miss it honestly hahah it was freakin delicious. The salmon was alright, but the texture just didn’t seem right when comparing it to the AK salmon I’m use to being force-fed (just kidding ;)) but yeah, overall one of my favorite meals by far on this trip. That night, we got back to Kobe and decided not to go out and just go to bed to get ready for tomorrow. I had made plans with my friend Anna to travel with her and her friend Josh the next morning at 5am, but I couldn’t get a hold of her so I just placed a sticky note on her door to let her know that she can just wake me up when she gets up. So I went to bed, but got up at 6am just incase, but I couldn’t find Anna so I ended up finding my other friends Molly, Allison, and Allie to see what they were doing. They were going to Hiroshima that day and I was debating on going with them because I still couldn’t find or get a hold of Anna. I ended up deciding to go and that was probably one of the best decisions I have ever made. We only went there for the day, to see the museum and the one building that wasn’t destroyed when the bomb hit. But that museum was the most powerful museum I have ever been to. Every single one of us were fighting back tears, it is one of the most gruesome things I’ve seen. I questioned a lot about the decision Truman made when I began to see how horrible it was for the people living here (obviously a bomb is horrible anywhere, but when you see it’s effect in real life it is horrifying). The thing that really got me was a small tricycle that a three year old had been riding right before the bomb hit. The father buried his son in their backyard. There was a girl who had grown up healthy after the bomb struck, but later on in her life she developed leukemia and eventually died from it (some time in her teen years), there is a children’s park that is dedicated to her with thousands of paper cranes in containers that have the word “Peace” on them. I never thought about children dying in the bomb, only adults, and I think that is what really struck me. We left the museum with heavy hearts, but after recooperating slightly from that we went back to the train station to head over to Kobe. Now, on a lighter note, when I was in 7th grade I was in my social studies class watching this documentary series about a woman who travels around the world and gives insight on the people, food, culture etc. in different countries. And this particular day in class we were looking at Japan, more specifically Tokyo. And after I watched this episode my mind was immediately intrigued with Tokyo and I told myself I had to go there. Flash forward 8 years later, I find myself in the Kobe port terminal after already spending 2 days in Japan with friends, without yet being able to go to Tokyo. My entire mind was focused on getting to Tokyo, I could feel my body itching with anticipation of getting there. All my friends had plans to get there the next day but I knew that wouldn’t be enough time for me, so I asked my friend Allie if she would want to pack up tonight and catch a bullet train to Tokyo. She said yes and we ran to get our things. We caught a bullet train around 9:30pm which landed us in Tokyo at about midnight. We were struggling to find out how to get from the train station to the certain metro line we needed to get to so we could find our hostel, when a man came up and asked us if we needed help. We obviously said yes and he looked at where we needed to go and pointed us in the right direction, that normally doesn’t happen super often so I think our spirits lifted slightly because we were exhausted from traveling and we finally knew where we needed to go. Once on the metro we got off at the correct spot and then while getting out of the metro we were unsure again of which exit to walk out of. And again, another guy comes up to us and asks if we need help and we show him the address to our hostel and he points us in the right direction and we thank him and continue on. By the time we are coming up the stairs to the actual street, he was behind us (not in a creepy way) going the same way. He ended up catching up to us and told us that he could take us to our hostel because he lived close by. I had my maps up so I knew where we were and semi-knew where the hostel was located so I felt comfortable enough to let him show us the way. He ended up being so cute and funny because he legit gave us a tiny sight seeing tour while on the way to the hostel, we passed by a famous market and he took a picture of us there and then he showed us his favorite place to eat and what he orders, he showed us some places to drink at and other random things like amusement parks that were near by. He ended up adding both of us on Facebook and then we parted ways. Once we got to the hostel, we checked in, got into our room (which was shared with 30 other people-but it was actually wonderful, I’ll attach pics) and proceeded to pass out. We wake up the next day around 8am and decided to book another night at the hostel because we loved the location and the room and the price, once we got that out of the way we asked for a recommendation of where to get good Japanese food for breakfast. So off we went with our new little map, excited to eat because we were starving, but of course, when we got there, it was closed. It opened at 11am and it as only 9:30am, we didn’t want to eat American food so we looked at our surroundings and saw a Starbucks. We decided to get a small snack/drink and use their wifi to plan our day while we wait to get real food for our meal. So, I got my hot chocolate and we decided to walk through the market that Yudai (the guy who walked us to our hostel) showed us, see the temple that was at the end of it, go to the Sky Tree for views, and then head over to the Shibuya area for food. The market was a lot of fun, we tried hot sweet sake which wasn’t horrible but there was chunks of random things in there, and if they weren’t in the sake, both of us would have liked it better-but hey, we tried it! The temple was packed but it was really cool to see all the bright colors and people, and there were also some lanterns to the right of it that looked really cool. We walked to the Sky Tree afterwards which took some time but it was nice to walk around the streets for a while and just observe what people do here. Once we got to the Sky Tree I was taken back by how tall it was, and once we got to the top it was insane how huge Tokyo is. There was so much city all around us on every single side, it was crazy. I had no idea Tokyo was so huge! It was insane. (I’ll also add pics :)) And we could see Mt. Fuji from the top too because it was a pretty clear day, so that was pretty freakin neat as well :-) once we were done with the Sky Tree, we were hungry so we went to the nearest metro and made our way over to Shibuya to eat some highly anticipated ramen! When we got to the restaurant there was a wait, so we knew it had to be good. When we finally got into the restaurant we realized that it was once of those restaurants where there is the least amount of socialization possible, so you sit in a chair and there is small boards that come up to the right and left of the counter, allowing only one person to sit in each spot and in the front of the counter space there is a little blind that the workers pull down after taking your order (which you pick from a machine and the machine gives you a receipt so really the worker just takes your receipt). The ramen was freakin amazing, oh my god. I about died. There were only chopsticks and a small plastic spoon so it took me a while to eat it but it was sooo good, I cannot emphasize that enough lol After eating we went to check out the Shibuya crossing which is where 10 lanes of traffic is stopped and the crosswalks are open in all directions (including diagonally) for people to cross, it was pretty cool to see! I took a timelapse of it so I’ll add that onto here so you guys can see it as well :) That night we were meeting up with our friend Yuhwa so Allie and I went back to our hostel to get ready for the night and eat dinner. We ate at a place really close to our hostel that had these really long dumplings (our form of potstickers basically, just longer) and they were soo good!! We were still full from lunch so we split a plate of them and again, there were only chopsticks and no forks so I struggled quite a bit, but successfully ate them. After we ate we made our way back to the Shibuya area to go out for the night and meet up with Yuhwa and the people she was traveling with. While waiting to hear back on where we should meet them, Allie and I went to a little bar that was called the Hub or something like that, it ended up being kinda fun because it was jam packed with Japanese people and very few other westerners, but they were all super nice to us. I ended up trying this drink that was something like 20% alcohol in it, slightly terrified I took a sip and it ended up just tasting like Grapefruit juice! It was really yummy so Allie got one as well, and soon we met a guy who was living in Japan but from Seattle, he worked for Amazon and he was already fairly intoxicated and ended up buying us shots and we all cheers to Allie and I’s birthdays, after we took the shot Yuhwa finally got back to us and told her to meet us at this club called Atom, and off we went. It wasn’t too far from where we were so we walked, it was freezing and we didn’t bring coats because we weren’t sure if there would be a place to put them, but soon enough we were there. Cover charges is a thing in Tokyo which was unfortunate, but we paid and while we were waiting to get into the elevators to go up to the club we saw Yuhwa walking in with a bunch of people, so we ran over and they ended up paying for a locker so we waited for them to put their coats away. While waiting we met some Australians and one of them actually had taught English in Thailand, so that was really cool to talk with him about his experiences while teaching there! Finally we make it up to the club and we had so. much. fun. Yuhwa, Allie, and I were going ham with dancing, and we ended up jumping up on these little platforms where females only ( lol ) were allowed to dance, but Yuhwa was just the greatest and we all had such an amazing time dancing and the dj was amazing (and female!! #feminism) so all in all, twas a great night. Unfortunately, by the time we left it was around 3:30am and the metro was closed. So, we had the option of waiting and hour and a half for the metro to open or take a taxi back. Considering we had one million things we still wanted to do and see in Tokyo before we had to leave, we decided to take a cab back so we could get a little more sleep. We woke up around 9am to get ready for the day, we got to eat those really fluffy pancakes that are a thing in Japan, and they were SO filling. We only got two with one order so I was skeptical at first, but wowzers it filled me up so much. It was great. After we ate, we took the metro to the Shibuya area to meet up with Jocelyn, Kenzie, Kelley, and Molly. While Kenzie, Jocelyn, and Kelley went to a piercing/tattoo shop, Allie, Molly, and I went to a Shrine that was in a park area. While we began to walk through the path to get to the Shrine, there were huge lines of Japanese people along the side of the path. At first we were just really confused, but the lines never ended, as soon as one did there would be another starting 20 feet further down the path. As we got closer and closer, we realized that some sort of event had to be happening because inside the shrine there were chairs lined up and a very clear “stage” area as well as security and important looking people lol. As we walked through the square and took pictures and just observed, Molly suggested that we go through a little pathway on the left side of the Shrine. We all agreed because we were just extremely confused as to what was happening. As we make our way through we see a smaller line up of people to our right and in front of them by about 15 feet were 4 people dressed in suits, and this is when we kinda stopped to try to figure out what was happening, we asked 2 women who spoke English but they had no idea what was happening either. It was about 12:57pm and Molly asked if we wanted to wait a little bit to see if anything happens, and I figured if anything were to happen it would happen at 1pm, so we decided to wait. Soon enough, we see the guys in suits looking down a path to our right. I turn to look and I see this little black car come zooming towards us, they stop abruptly in-front of the guys in suits and everyone starts pulling out their phones and cameras (and all 3 of us are still thinking what the heck is going on here) so I pull out my phone to take a video as the crowd starts swarming to the car. The passenger door opens, and I hear Allie gasp and she turns back to us and say “It’s a Sumo wrestler!!!” and we move with the crowd to get slightly closer. He gets out and moves straight to turn a corner and we can no longer see him, but we all turn to each other and are stoked on life that we just saw a real Japanese sumo wrestler, we were seriously SO excited, we were laughing and exclaiming how cool that we got to see this dude. Turns out, a couple days later once we are back on the ship and on our way to Japan, Molly is checking wikipedia for world news (we only get a few free sites on our intranet system) and she finds an article that was talking about this sumo wrestler (here is the link https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kisenosato_Yutaka#Promotion_to_yokozuna) so I guess this sumo wrestler is the first sumo wrestler since 1998 to reach yokozuna, I’m not quite sure what that means BUT we felt really freaking cool that we saw him in person for a good 10 seconds! Afterwards, we went to the National Park which also had a botanical garden in it, which was really cool. The park was nice, but everything was pretty dead because it’s January but it was still nice to walk through. It reminded me slightly of central park in nyc. Once we finished walking around we went to a cat cafe, which is a thing in Japan I guess. I had heard of it before i left and had sort of forgotten about it until everyone starting going to them. We passed by one earlier and decided to go after the Shrine and National Park. We spent 30 minutes there all having a blast, the cats were so cute and soft. But my mind kept thinking that something wasn’t quite right, and I was trying to figure it out and while we were on the metro to our hostel, Molly told me that most of the cats were sedated. Which first broke my heart, and second I was so upset at myself because I was ignorant and supported it by paying them to see the cats. The reason she knew is because their inner eyelids come across when sedated and she opened one of the “sleeping” cats eyes to see and she saw the eyelid. But obviously we can’t do anything about it now, but how the cats were acting confused me because they were all laid back and didn’t try to move when everyone would put their faces next to the cats faces to take a picture, and they were all fairly young cats which usually means they are pretty playful and active and there were only about 3 that were actually walking around and one of those three that was playing (I’m assuming they don’t sedate them all so it doesn’t get too boring when people come). So that was really sad for me, but I know I can’t do anything about it. After the cat cafe, we went back to the hostel to get ready for the night. We ended up going to the Golden Gai area to bar hop but we didn’t want to take a taxi home because it was about $60 total, so we got the last metro back to our area of town, around 12:30am. Molly, Allie, and I were pretty hungry so we ended up walking across the street to the McDonalds and ordering some chicken nuggets, the only problem was that you can only choose 5 chicken nuggets or 15. So, naturally, we all got 15 chicken nuggets and they had curly fries! So we got those as well. We sat in our hostel and just talked about our lives and got to know each other a little better, it ended up being one of my favorite nights because we just had such a great conversation and were laughing and cracking jokes while still being able to have deep conversations. It was wonderful :) The next day was our very last day in Japan, we packed up and checked out of our hostel and went straight to the metro to get to the train station to take our bullet train back to Kobe. On our way back, Allie and I purposefully sat on the right side of the train with the window because we wanted to see Mt. Fuji, and it was a beautiful sunny day and sure enough, about 45 minutes in we got our first glimpse at Mt. Fuji! It was so cool to see, I tried taking one million pictures but only got a few good ones because the train was going about 170 mph and random poles/buildings would get in the way of the pictures but yeah, that was really amazing to see! Soon we had made it to Kobe and we all got on the ship and dropped our things off and headed back to the terminal to get the free wifi for a few hours before we had to be back on the ship. I got to FaceTime my mom which was so great, and a few other people but then I had to head back to the ship. One of the best parts of SAS is everyone coming back and getting together and talking about what they did and how great of a time everyone had and all their different experiences. Japan honestly was such an amazing place, I didn’t expect to fall in love with, but i sure did and I can’t wait to come back to see so much more. The people were so amazing and the food was freakin great. My friends and I had dinner together and discussed all of our experiences before passing out because the amount of sleep we all got was a whole lot of none, and soon we were on our way to China :)