#I was self satisfied so that was enough
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last night at dinner I hit a joke that I genuinely found really funny. and nobody laughed or even pity chuckled. I was in disbelief
#it wasn't anything special and I don't usually laugh at my own jokes like that#table was talking about snoring and sleep issues and guy next to me said ''I used to have a [tooth] grinding problem''#I put on a toxic male voice and said ''hell yeah brother I have a grinding problem rn 🔥💵💰''#I was self satisfied so that was enough
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Living with Body Focused Repetitive Behaviors
Me: *Is super stressed over life.*
Trichotillomania: Time to pull some hair! C'mon. You won't even notice you're doing it. It'll make you feel better.
Me: NO. *Spends 4 days putting hair in a mini twist protective style* There.
Dermatillomania: Hey. Your hands are free. And restless. And dry... Pick your skin. Bleed. Bleed.
Me: Stop! *Starts up a new crochet project to keep hands busy.* Ok cool.
Onychophagia: Hi hi. Your nails are.... perfect biting length... you should do that.
Me: Noooooooooooo *Paints nails.*
Dermatillomania: Oh look, you got some nail polish on your skin. Pick it off... now pick some more...
Me: SDJAKFDSJFKLDKAFDJKLAFJDKSAKLFDASL
#is this tmi? oh well. this is the tmi website#trichotillomania#dermatillomania#onychophagia#bfrb#body focused repetitive behavior#ocd#guys guess what? my therapist all but prescribed that i get a manicure to prevent picking at my skin#apparently after a year with this therapist i never mentioned my finger picking until this week#and she was like 'ok since you find it tough to paint them yourself get a manicure. self care and preventative'#because my cuticles are horrific due to me constantly picking at them and the sides of my fingers#so i've always been too embarrassed to go to a nail salon and my therapist was like 'exposure therapy!'#currently my nails are sloppily painted because i can't hold a brush still and they're already chipping after like 5 days#actually they probably started chipping on the second day honestly.#i need to redo my twists a bit which actually satisfies the trich urges since i'll be running my fingers through my hair to do it#but i won't actually be pulling. but also. i will be getting the shed hairs out. so. kind of fulfills that.#but right now my nails are long enough for me to feel them sometimes hit my keyboard. which. isn't normal for me.#and despite the nail polish i feel the urge to bite them shorter ahhhhh#anyway if you're Black with natural hair and have trich i HIGHLY suggest mini twists since it helps deter me from pulling#sure i have to redo it every few weeks but seriously. game changer. harder to find individual hairs to pull.
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it just occurred to me that i can "casually" learn french and japanese over the winter sem since i'll have the "time." juuusst one of the many many many things i've been putting off but want to do... i wonder if that's spreading myself too thin... my novelty-seeking brain wants to hear different sounds. in different contexts. it's probably a sign i need to get out more but that's besides the point 😂 what do i dooooo there's too many thingssss
#studyblr#self study#langblr#*maybe*#indecision#also idk if i can learn anything ''casually'' anymore#like i want to *feel* like i'm making significant progress!#or else why am i doing this!!!#it's not enough to just satisfy the novelty seeking...#gggaaahhhh#AND i don't want to always be plugged in listening to ''comprehensible input'' when not studying or working#bc for better or for worse i'm not like my sister lol#so...that limits my options...#probably overthinking this#maybe maybe maybe the french will come back to me faster than i think it will#i just have doubts bc the last time i got farther than ever was through cramming lol#chaotic academia#dark academia#french#japanese#learning french#learning japanese
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Sort of a distant tangent off my post about Ashton, but I'm growing more and more suspicious of the fandom claim that there's no time for small RP moments in Campaign 3. I do think that it's been challenging to get deeper party bonding or serious conversations that aren't about the big philosophical questions they're facing, since those do take much more time; but then I think about Calamity, or Candela Obscura. I can genuinely give you at least a couple paragraphs about pretty much every relationship in the two Circles, or in the Ring of Brass. I can also point to no shortage of small moments between characters in the Mighty Nein Aeor or Vox Machina Vecna endgame episodes, which were all extremely plot-heavy and fast-paced, and D20 consistently nails character relationships in a fraction of the time.
I think it really does come down to, as Brennan Lee Mulligan always says, the character creation phase. Laying down a solid groundwork in which everyone has a detailed, rich backstory and sense of personality and relationship history (in the case of characters who knew each other prior to the start of the series) is absolutely crucial, and even in the case of characters who don't know each other before going in, a good amount of time spent in character creation ensures that it's easier for them to develop those interpersonal relationships on the fly. I know in actual play there's some degree of finding the character as you play, but there are games for which there is a very short runway, and I don't think it ever hurts to do more extensive character prep than the bare minimum. And if there are gaps, I think it also helps to go back and fill those in mid-way, away from the table - Travis clarifying Chetney's backstory being a great example that allowed the history of Chetney and Deanna to feel realized and full, despite only a few episodes.
I'll also be blunt: most of the time when people complain that there aren't moments because the plot keeps moving...they're mad about shipping. Which has always rung hollow to me. It was a common complaint in C2, that no time was taken for character relationships, despite them taking an entire half of an episode for the Beauyasha date and despite no shortage of moments for all three of the other couples (and plenty of platonic moments between friends). The issue was never a lack of time; it was that the characters they wanted to talk to each other didn't actually have the relationship in canon that the fans had dreamed up, and so, when the chips were down, they went to other people.
It takes two seconds to say something like "I hold their hand", even in the middle of plot-heavy adventuring. If someone doesn't say it, it's rarely the GM rushing them; it's the player either choosing not to do so, or not remembering to do so, and either of those is quite revealing regarding how the player feels about that relationship and where it stands in their priorities.
#i've felt this for a while but like. fundamentally? C3 is just...uniquely not set up for terribly satisfying shipping#even the ships I do like and that get small moments are relatively background#like 80% of quote unquote ship content is like. fanon goggles overlaying either parallel play or standard battle mechanics#which is fine! I think it's a different vibe and approach than the past 2 campaigns#i think especially in character creation; self-insert or easy for new players (c1)#followed by Morally Gray Campaign; Prove We Can Replicate This Success; Serious Characters (C2); followed by Let's Get Silly With It (C3)#which is less conducive to that profound connection of c1 or c2. which is not a bad thing!#but god. if you complain about the D&D show having too much d&d plot and not enough romance...yeah pal it's d&d not a dating sim#like I enjoy when there is romance in my fantasy but it's not a requirement. there is a genre full of romance. it is called romance.#i'm also thinking about this bc I need to watch wot s2 but i've been told that the fandom has gotten weird#like wow so moiraine/siuan is not the A plot? in a high fantasy Good vs. Evil series? WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT.#getting back to this...i'm also thinking about my own life and like. i moved to where i live not long pre-lockdown#and so i'm finding myself a resident of this area for 4+ years but with weaker connections than i'd have otherwise. and that's fine!#but psychologically i feel so weird about just starting to find my place bc it's been so long even though there's a good reason#and i wonder if the cast/Hells feels the same way ie why are we only just bonding now 70 eps in and so they're hesitant#that I Waited Too Long And Now It's Awkward feeling; that I Should Be Past This By Now fallacy#which. again. i think things early on could have been done differently but that time is past you need to live in the present now.#cr tag
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I want to make "Shadowstruck" an Inklings Challenge story so bad, and there's no way I'll be able to finish even part of it in time.
#adventures in writing#[beating myself with a stick] work on the time travel story work on the time travel story work on the time travel story!#i have a draft!#all i need to do is fill in holes!#but no!#my brain insists that i need to have something *else* too#shadowstruck is stealing all my attention#and if i don't write it now i may not return to it again for months#i don't have time to do it justice#but a ridiculously short deadline may be the only way i break past the internal editor and finish any portion of it at all#but there is no way i could even write a scene that stands alone enough to make sense as an unfinished piece#and hits one of the themes#i'm greedy for story ideas this year#setting my expectations *way* too high#i want to write a whole *bunch* of ideas so maybe one of them will be satisfying as this year's entry#when i should just focus on making my one main story something i'm pleased with#i need to shut down the part of my brain telling me to write shadowstruck or one of the other secondary world ideas fighting for attention#and just go back to the time travel story#and only *if* i can complete that *maybe* write something else#it's not inklings challenge deadline day unless it contains a stressful self-imposed writing marathon
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((If anyone ever wants to write with a scruffy, kind of (unintentionally) goofy, sweet but still totally animalistic, former prisoner, werewolf-esque, character (complete with wolf tail) who has read a bunch of self-help books and who is super committed once he falls in love, and who also just so happens to be from a post-grand-fairytales fairytale realm full of magic and chaos and all that good stuff... just, ya know, let me know <3))
#ooc.#about:Wolf#((He's still my favorite and I love him so much <3 I've rewatched this series at least once a year since it came out.#And if you want to watch a miniseries that deals with mental health issues and the relationships between mothers and daughters#and fathers and daughters; a mini series that offers silliness but also a lot heart and also a surprising amount of insight;#a series that deals with trauma and PTSD and abandonment issues in a way that's approachable and relatable but also so heavy hitting#that it makes you want to cry just a few minutes after you were laughing at something else#and also which handles it through the lens of familiar fairytales / fairytale tropes and (as such) reminds us of some of the actual morals#in these fairytales and also the lessons we can learn from them WITHOUT just retelling the stories we're all at least somewhat familiar wit#(because the parts of it that take place in this fairytale world take place AFTER the grand period of these fairytales and we're now seeing#the aftermath of them all and the cyclical nature that exists in history / the human experience even inside of a world of fairytale logic)#then this is TOTALLY the show for you. Seriously I can't say enough good things about it.#AND IT'S ALL ON YOUTUBE WITHOUT ADS! SO EASILY ACCESSIBLE!!!!#It's about a girl and her father in NYC who (through some shenanigans involving a dog who is actually a prince trapped in the BODY of a dog#end up in the realm of the 9 kingdoms where all the fairytales are true- or they WERE at one point. Now things are a bit... different.#They have to try to find their way back home from here and there's a ton of life lessons along the way#and a lot of self discovery and a TON of silly antics. And it's a bit dated in parts for sure but not really overly so. It still holds up#really well. ANYWAY- I just think it's the best and it deserves all the love and attention <3#And now that the podcast interview my friend did with Simon Moore (the creator) has come out I can FINALLY say-#THERE'S A SECOND BOOK COMING SOMETIME SOON! SO ALL THE MORE REASON TO GIVE IT A WATCH!))#((ANYWAY- I'm very passionate about my love for this show and in total it's only about 7 hours so it's a fairly quick watch all things#considered. And I know it's not gonna be everyone's cup of tea but my GOD is it so hard hitting and satisfying especially at the end <3))#((I'LL SHUT UP NOW))
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aaa kind of an unusual post from me since ik i usually post st content BUT GOD. THE CHOKEHOLD THIS GAME HAS ON ME. I JUST. love them so MUCH. >.<
#dead plate#rody lamoree#vincent charbonneau#dead plate rody#vincent dead plate#my art#digital#OK ENOUGH SERIOUS TAGS#I LOVE THE FOOD SYMBOLISM IN DP SOOO MUCH#VINCE NOT BEING ABLE TO SATISFY HIS NEED FOR TASTE#SO HE PROMPTS TO SATIFY OTHER PPL INSTEA#AND WHEN RODY SAID THAT HE DIDNT LIKE VINCES COOKING#BRO TOOK IT PERSONALLY#and as rody has said#it felt too self-centered#so in attempts to make a dish thats less self-absorbed one thats made for *someone else*#HE COOKED MANON#WHO RODY LOVED#AND VINCE THOUGHT THAT WAS HIS MISSING INGREDIENT
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might change theme again not sure . also going to try to make posts more accessible . hehe
#desmond yapping#i felt bad abt a post talking abt accessibility so#im not sure if my “typing quirk” is screenreader friendly ?? like do the extra spaces fuck it up or ?#idk it makes me feel like a child not knowing how to make my posts accessible AND aesthetically satisfy me#i would make my blog more simpler but i just get self-consious that its not appealing enough#like the layout now isn ' t pretty to me anymore . it always ends up with me not liking it after a few weeks#so i might just minimize and experiment with my posts later on . yeah.#sorry for the rant in tags i just thought it would be stupid to put it in the actual post .
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madarame's route is SoOOoOoo good
#having so much fun playing this#i just know fujieda's route won't be as good but maybe finally getting Answers about towa's brain damage will be enough to satisfy#slow damage#when 10 days with a hot seme is enough to undo 10 years of “self-improvement”#and it wasn't even really any sort of improvement either which is what makes it so distressing. like you rly thought it couldn't get worse#and it somehow did
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finally got the chance to watch the fnaf movie!! it was so good!! wtf!! here’s some doodles of mono and six enjoying fnaf (as they should)
#i was so giddy watching the whole movie#it satisfied my 8 year old selfs hyperfix#every little nightmares protagonist is a fnaf fan#it’s canon guys im bandai namco#/j ofc#drawing the funko plushies were sorta hard but they look accurate enough??#at least the freddy plush im not sure if chica was accurate but it’s ok#THEYRE SO READY FOR FREDDY RAHHH#little nightmares#little nightmares 2#little nightmares fanart#ln mono#ln six
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The Kiwami Millennium Tower showdown definitely ended with Kiryu being shaken awake by Haruka, who frantically pulls him over to Nishiki, half-buried in rubble and in a pool of his own blood, and Kiryu carrying a badly injured Nishiki out of the building to safety and still holding him close and not letting go when Nishiki regains consciousness in his arms and starts to weakly struggle against his grip, gives up, and breaks down sobbing, clutching Kiryu’s shirt and pleading to him–
“Please don’t do this– please don’t force me to live with this– just end it. I don’t deserve to live, I don’t want your mercy or your pity– it wasn’t supposed to go like this. I failed– I fail at everything– I even failed at ending my own life. I’ve hurt and betrayed everyone I’ve ever cared about and been a burden on everyone I’ve ever known. I’ll never be enough. Why the hell are you trying to save me? What the hell is there to save? Let me do one useful thing for once in my life and leave me to bleed out like I should. Please, Kazuma.”
And with teary eyes squeezed shut, his head down, Kiryu holds him so tightly to his chest it makes Nishiki’s burns sting and tells him,
“Everyone hurt you, and I left you to hurt alone. I broke our promise. I should’ve never left you to cross the line alone. I was supposed to be there for you, and I wasn’t– but I’m here now and I’m not letting you go. Never again. I need you here. I want you here. Just being here is enough, Akira. I promise.”
And Nishiki gives into his instinctive need to just cling to him and cry, as if making up for years of pent-up tears he’s forced himself not to shed out of an intense fear of vulnerability. He does what he should’ve done a long time ago, fakes his death, and leaves the yakuza life behind in favor of something more mundane, but something that’s actually him– something that allows him to accept himself as he is rather than being forced to live up to the impossible standards of others.
Trust me this is absolutely how it went. The End.
#didnt mean for this to be like. a miniature fic but. oops#also feel free to take this as platonic or romantic its really not important the point still stands#nishiki#kiryu#akira nishikiyama#kazuma kiryu#nishikiryu#yakuza kiwami#yakuza kiwami spoilers#cw suicidal ideation#i just. i want them to make up. and i want nishiki to break down crying. and i want him to be told hes enough. gaghghfgdhghh#long post#like legit tho. narratively speaking. i think just blowing up nishiki and having that be the end of it is... so much missed potential and#definitely not the most satisfying and emotionally engaging way of going about nishiki's overall story#something about suicidal characters being put up against horrible odds and struggling and in the end just being left to die without#anyone ever truly getting through to them that they are enough and deserve to exist and etc– at least enough to back away from the#ledge so to speak. idk. i just. dont like it#no one wants to see a character suffer like that for so long while being shown Clearly the causes of their self loathing and what Made them#fall as far as they have into self destruction- thus knowing they truly WANT to live. they just dont believe being happy or feeling content#is ever possible for them based on what they've been told and what they've gone through. and then watch them successfully kill themselves i#in an act of volatility and hostility essentially affirming that they'll forever be remembered for being malicious and as horrible as#they believe themselves to be and etc etc etc#sorry im rambling here#but#it just. i dont know man i just dont like it. and like i said its just. theres so much wasted potential for character growth and a more#well-rounded story overall....... sigh
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Cats have gotta be harder to raise than children the way they have unwavering persistence to mess with your shit hundreds of times over and cannot be reasoned with
#Little shit tears books off of my bookcase#pushes keys off my table#chews on papers and bags#tips over my nightstand lamp#it’s so hard finding enough new things for her to play with#she has like 7 diff varieties of toys it doesn’t matter what i do#gotta cave in and buy that $20 self-running ball off amazon </3#she pushes my stuffed animals and beanie babies off my shelves and sometimes kidnaps them#other times just for the love of the game i guess#sounds like they cannot be satisfied until every inch of your living space is a playground for them
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《이걸로 영영 이별이라니... 믿고 싶지 않아?》
so that new rokia alt huh
#puyo puyo#rokia#and or#roquier#depending on who you ask.#my stuff#tw eyestrain#eyestrain#bright colors#i need to tag all my bases with this thing because if attwn park's videos are one thing theyre eyestrain#anyway everyone listen to pinata and i by attwn park‼️#the video on youtube has english translation if you need it!!#i just wanted to draw this dude and i happened to be listening to comic relief(newest album from attwn park)#and before that i was like. agh acab sorry rokia(roquier)#and tgen i remembered the bat? and idk man#this is symbolic in a way the video for pinata and i isnt. but uhhh something about killing your past self#honestly i dont know much about this alt i know korean not japanese#in uh. two years when kr ppq catches up with jp ppq its all over for you guys because ill know what the flavor text says#half joking btw.#but from what i know about him its like. he was a cop the whole time maybe? undercover at the spacetime detective agency?#and if thats the case then like. this is twice as killing-yourself-symbolic#killing your own persona to work undercover then killing the undercover persona to be you again but undercover changed you so fundamentally#idk if you look closely enough and you have enough delusion you can twist anything to be about anyone.#and i choose to make pinata and i about rokia and his cop alt.#anyway if you cant read the text in the picture (i did make it very hard to read) its '이걸로 정녕 민족할 거야?'#which does indeed roughly translate to 'are you truly satisfied with this'?#or like. alternatively its 'are you really going to be satisfied like this' but i chose to go with the tl on the subs#anyway. this is inktober 5 LOL#something quick and easy to make up for the fact ive been drawing like seven pieces in one for every past piece so far#signing off for today. dont stare at this too long you'll go blind
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was gonna say smth else but this turned into a vent sorry everyone just ignore. typical weekend post on this blog u know how it is here we go👍
#wild ik so many ppl getting married meanwhile im over here struggling to convince myself my friends even care abt me or want me around#pathetic to admit but i cant even fantasise abt someone loving me bc im too insecure n emotionally unstable#my mind just shoots the idea down like whoa. unrealistic. ur incapable of expressing or receiving affection in any way that matters#no matter how badly u want to... and even if someone did well u wouldnt believe them most of the time#gotta get out of the fucking labyrinth first i couldnt inflict this shit on anyone i cared abt#but it makes me so desperately sad sometimes i dont know how im ever going to get out of this ive been trying for years and years#and im a little better at it snd i dont feel like this all of the time i know it just comes around and itll pass again#but im tired of being in so much emotional pain so frequently. and shouldering it so alone. theres such a disconnect between myself and#others and i dont know how to bridge that i don't know how to stop feeling so isolated and unwanted !!!!!! im trying so hard#it doesnt even bother me w relative strangers in my life like i dont get insecure at all around them i like meeting new ppl#bc theres like. no expectations i guess. like ik they dont care abt me personally and idk them well enough to do that either#and its fun but it doesnt satisfy needs that i have like i need to feel close + connected to ppl i need to care abt them + feel cared for#but as soon as i do start to care abt ppl it gets all tangled and i end up getting rly badly hurt over and over. thru no fault but my own#bc im constantly alienating myself and bc i struggle so much w shit like physical affection which is frustratingly rly critical for me!!!!#it wouldnt fucking matter if i didnt like or want affection ik some ppl are fine without i wish it worked like that for me#but nope instead i have to be constantly messed up over my complete fucking inability to express myself in any form#and ik it makes everyone around me so uncomfortable so it just becomes self reinforcing and eventually they drift and leave me behind#and i just do that over and over and over and every time ill tell myself ill do better ill try harder and itll get easier and someone will#and it happens again and right now im at the stage where the abandonment fear is starting to kick in which is awful n paralysing#and usually a precursor to actually being abandoned ehich is always my own fault bc i start behaving so erratically out of fear or defense#its self fulfilling and im trying. im trying so hard not to let it overwhelm me again and not to start acting out and freaking ppl out#and im coping with it okay i think but just hurts me a lot its all internal my rejection sensitivity is gradually ticking up and up#and argh!!!!!!!!! and some days im okay and some days its like this and i dont know what todo when its like this im so tired and in pain#its not even that bad today tbf. once im done typing this to get it out ill be able to do smth else and distract mysrlf for a bit#and then calling friends later too so exposure therapy innit. but itll be fun and i love them but i will probably also feel very bad after#or even possibly during but thats okay ill still manage fine im not going to let it interfere i dont want it controlling my fucking life#i am going to have a nice time and be okay despite it all. even if i do have to fucking battle this every day forever#and even if it stops me living my life to the extent i want and feeling as ok as i want i just have to come to terms with and be ok w it#and im not going to be!!! a fucking asshole abt it!!! i dont want to hurt anyone else thats the most important thing no matter how i feel#thr rest is all secondary and ik i cant help a few little bumps here and there but trying hardest to keep it separate its not negotiable
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sudden realisation that the thing holding my art back is that I never had an anime phase
#going to find a time machine and get my younger self into death note or smth#I have been driving myself insane for the past few years bc I wanna draw characters but all I know how to do is portraits#I’m trying to figure out how I could recreate smth similar now and tragically I think it does just come down to draw more :/#however! I am also going to try using brushes which will be bad for sketchiness and better for lineart bc I might need to force myself here#I just gotta simplify things down to basic shapes how hard can it be#[has been thinking this exact thing for years and it’s not worked]#I am getting better every time I do stuff I’m just not satisfied bc art is frustrating when you know what you want but can’t get there#god it’s 2am I should not be awake rn but I could draw again tonight so I was taking advantage#endlessly frustrated by hair. why is it so awkward. I need to understand hair better how do I do this#i have a feeling it’s bc I’ve not figured out how to apply the shit I figured out abt volume yet#I’m also getting impatient bc I’ve been trying to do a study thing for some art styles but I decided I wanted to draw ocs instead of that#when I hadn’t gotten to the actually important bit which was. making smth new. but I can still do that#and I ended up doing a different style anyway (someone pls stop me rounding everything make me use high opacity square brush for my health)#the Other problem is I never wanna switch brushes. like I want to use one brush for whole drawing bc the extra clicks annoy me#I wonder if there’s a shortcut to swap brushes#anyway I’m gonna stop complaining bc drawing is fun but god I wish I’d drawn some more pokey mans when I was a teenager yknow#ideally younger. would rlly like to not have to actually think to figure this out rn#I’m probably overthinking stuff anyway honestly and I KNOW I’ll get it if I practice enough but goddamn it is hard to practice#especially when my me insists on making the bad things look better by making it more realistic#instead of figuring out why the shapes aren’t working#OKAY IM DONE WITH THIS NOW. GONNA TRY NEW ART THINGS LATER STOP TALKING <3#luke.txt
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man if my childhood self knew someday i'd get mad over NOT being able to do chores.... she would not recognize me lmao
#chores were kinda torture for baby me cuz she didn't know how to do anything right#and cuz i was even more horrifically clumsy back then and even back then it took me way longer to do anything physical than other ppl#and i lived in a very chaotic home with lots of other kids and a very sick mom and there was just piles of stuff everywhere#it was v overwhelming and i had no idea how to start and like the idea of not having stuff on the floor was just unattainable then#now i have enough tricks and habits that i don't mind doing chores EXCEPT IT'S AGONY PHYSICALLY >.<#and clean spaces FEEL attainable now in a way they never did in my childhood but they're NOT and that's infuriating#bc if i was just a little less impaired physically they WOULD be like i'm begging just two hours a week of able bodiedness please#negative cw#updates on my boring life#god it would be so satisfying to end every day or even every week or month with a completely clean home#and a clean self
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