#I was dissociating and hating my life I’m not even joking

[mitchharry]

I am not well

[dustbunnylair]

Shubble/Shelby's Situation: People Defending The Abuser and Shaming The Victim (!TW: Mentions of abuse/abusive relationship!)

7 months ago, on February 21st, 2024, a Twitch streamer with around 468K followers spoke out about being abused by another Twitch streamer and artist, who is now her ex on a stream titled, “Talking About Something More Serious”. The Twitch streamer who spoke out goes by Shubble or Shelby, she described the at the time unnamed Twitch streamer as (mainly) British, popular, and also in the music industry, fans quickly connected the dots to the popular Twitch streamer and lead singer in the band, Lovejoy, Wilbur Soot. 

I won’t go into full detail about what Shubble said, as I would prefer for people to listen to her say it, rather than someone else. But, the main things were that Wilbur did not follow a safe word that they set in place, and would bite her to the point of her screaming out in pain. He was also slobbish and dirty in his living situation. Unfortunately, Shubble has not provided any proof of bruises, markings, etc. but that doesn’t mean she’s lying, not every abuse victim documents their injuries, and honestly in my opinion, maybe she’s uncomfortable with sharing those injuries, those injuries are really none of our business to see.

A few days later, Wilbur Soot, made a response, which if you would like to read it you can find it here, I’ll sum it up to what I had processed within the response:

First off, he says it’s a response rather than an apology. Second, he didn’t even mention Shubble’s name, he only referred to her as “ex-girlfriend” or “this person” he never said her name. I want that to be emphasized because that’s quite common in abusers, they literally will not say their victim’s name(s) as a form of dissociation or just not taking accountability.

Many people including famous people such as Ranboo, Tommyinnit, Sneegsnag, Lil Tay, Billzo, Aimsey, Dream even, to fully call out Wilbur, as they should. Let’s also emphasize how absolutely batshit insane it is that Lil Tay and Billzo said shit about him, Lil Tay does not know this man and Billzo is literally never active on social media, no hate to them though obviously, shoutout to them for calling him out. Dream responding to Wilbur is so diabolical, you know an apology/response sucked ass when DREAM of all people responds to you and REWRITES the response. 

I have found many people on social media, more specifically TikTok and Pinterest, borderline defending Wilbur Soot. From getting mad at Shubble for telling her viewers to stream her stream instead of Wilbur's newest song, which yeah is a bit immature coming from a 30 y/o woman, but remember this is literally her abuser and she’s probably just joking around and coping. Not to mention the person who “called out” Shubble for not being able to “move on” can’t move on from Shubble nor Wilbur themselves.

Hypocrite alert…Honestly, Wilbur defenders are either stuck in 2019-2021 or are just insanely parasocial. Wilbur does not know you, you do not know him, he is a content creator and singer. I *was* a Wilbur fan before “Your New Boyfriend” came out, and look, I’ve moved on from him, 5 years of my life went to waste but at least I’m not supporting an abuser. It’s so funny seeing Wilbur dick riders getting mad at people for calling him niblur soot or saying he has rabies and needs a muzzle. 

It’s always “always believe the victim” until the abuser is someone you like or is conventionally attractive. I’ve seen multiple people ask why Shubble hasn’t sued Wilbur but has sued a car company. It’s so obvious that these people do not know shit about abusive relationships. Almost like if you were to take it to court and sue him, it wouldn’t change anything for Shubble other than some money or some shit, it doesn’t change the fact that she has trauma from the abuse, and it certainly isn’t gonna make him take accountability. Plus abuse in women or literally any gender, is invalidated most of the time.

People say that Wilbur is getting therapy just from his word. But me and other people are clearly seeing he isn’t showing change whatsoever, in fact, he literally looks like he’s on drugs, like coke. I remember someone made a TikTok talking about how skinny Wilbur looks and saying he’s probably starving himself. He’s 6’5 and has always been fucking lanky, and starving yourself isn’t the only thing that makes you lose weight, it’s also drugs!

I’m honestly just so sick and tired of seeing people say “Shubble admitted to lying” and then when you ask for proof of that they don’t respond, because she’s never admitted to that. Even other creators, not just Shubble, have come out and said Wilbur’s abusive behavior, like Tommyinnit. I mean, James Marriott hasn’t spoken out about this, and he doesn’t have to, that’s not something that’s required from him, but in one of James Marriott’s videos from 3 years ago, he and Wilbur did like this drunk video and it was called “If We Laugh, The Video Ends…(ft. Wilbur Soot)”, but throughout the video Wilbur just sometimes gets violent, and it doesn’t seem like a bit because most of the time James reacts genuinely concerned.

And before anyone uses the “Oh but he was drunk” excuse, I don’t want to hear it, the more drunk you are, the more of the real you comes out, he was drunk as fuck and his real self was coming out. 

Yeah, honestly that’s all I have to say about this topic for right now. Don’t go harass Wilbur or any Wilbur supporters, just try to educate them or block them, both are valid. If I have more to add I’ll make a follow-up post. But yeah, always believe the victim, don’t defend abusers. Keep yourself safe.

[gingerylangylang1979]

Male identity: Carmy and Richie

I’m finding that a certain demographic of fans have a much harder time relating to Carmy but very much relate to Richie. Granted, a lot of this has to do with what fandom platform you observe. I actually kind of hate The Bear subreddit but continue to browse it periodically because it’s super interesting to hear what “the others” are talking about. I rarely engage anymore because it’s mostly nonsense and a totally different vibe than Tumblr. The contingent is definitely very anti-Carmy x Sydney and seems to hate Sydney. I’ve also noticed that while there is a lot of love for Carmy there is even more love for Richie. I’m very intrigued by this perspective. 

This season Richie was definitely a standout. I think Ebon is an amazing actor and am glad he is finally getting nominated for his role. I thought he got robbed with the non-Emmy nominations. But even before S2 I noticed that Richie was the most favored character among the Reddit demo and perhaps a big part of the general audience. That’s fine, people can favor who they like. I know that doesn’t represent everyone but I do think that speaks for what I consider general audience and makes sense considering how society still views manhood despite social progress. This season even a lot of the reviews were kind of meh about Carmy. I get it, I initially was writing him off too, was pissed, and thought he had the worst arc. Then once thoughts settled he went back to being my hero. Deeply flawed, but I just relate to him so much and he’s fascinating to watch. I’m a woman, so maybe that helps my empathy. I also don’t think The Bear would work with Richie as the lead as some have suggested. 

The thing is Carmy is a more difficult character because he has multiple layers of trauma, his work is so specialized and niche, he is a sensitive soul, he’s artistic, and he doesn’t fit the mold of the working class male models he was surrounded by. Your typical man can’t relate to him. And most likely your typical conservative leaning woman can’t either. At the Christmas party he was appalled at how the other guys were talking about Claire. And this is a woman he had a crush on and is present day attracted to. He could have easily been superficial and macho and laughed at the jokes as expected. He didn’t let Richie get away with calling Syd sweetheart. Richie says he’s “woke”. He employs a woman in a leadership role. He’s built different. 

He is struggling in many ways that are hidden and he also lashes out. The hidden ways and the lashing out are interpreted as whiny and annoying by people that can’t relate. He’s been cited as not growing but people can’t acknowledge that his healing won’t be linear. But how can it be when his trauma was collected in overlapping seasons for most of his life? The pain didn’t develop in a linear path. He had a stutter when he was young. There are hints that there is a learning issue of some sort (I’m not going to try and diagnose). He was always the “different” one in the family. The other guys call him “weird”. His father was absent. His mom has mental health issues and is an alcoholic. He witnessed the traumatic incident at Christmas and I’m sure it wasn’t the only such incident. His brother was an addict that pushed him away, then killed himself. He went into a chaotic, highly demanding field that required him to isolate to excel. He is shy and has trouble forming close bonds. He had a mentally abusive boss. He was always super competitive. He comes back to own The Beef and it’s problem after problem. How are people expecting him to be “fun” and have an easy comeback like Richie? 

Richie has issues, too. Stagnant in mid-life, spent years devoted to an addict, failed marriage, feeling disillusioned and displaced, also an absent father. But when we meet Richie he’s not as wounded as Carmy. Carmy is literally sleep cooking, almost starting fires, dissociating, having panic attacks. Richie is sad but it mostly manifests as him being kind of nasty and grumpy. He’s like a sour old man with dated and offensive jokes. His behavior is dismissed because he’s grieving. Which yes, he deserves a pass. But why does he deserve a bigger pass than Carmy who is dealing with so much more or Sydney who seemed to bear the biggest brunt of his outrage and was also struggling? Carmy is literally on the verge of a breakdown and has the weight of trying to keep the staff, the business, and himself afloat. Despite all this Richie gets a lot of indulgences for his bad behavior that Carmy isn’t. 

Richie is easier for a lot of people to digest because he’s funny, he’s the working class representative, he’s tall (yes people have height bias, especially with men). Carmy is viewed as the pompous prodigal son that’s trying to ruin Richie’s delicate ecosystem by gentrifying and kicking out “the working man”. There are people posting in disgust that he dare change The Beef despite it being a hell hole money pit. 

It’s just so interesting that in reality we are dealing with an unprecedented numbers of men who report extreme loneliness, depression, hopelessness. Richie and Carmy both fit that profile. Yet, a man like Richie is broadly understood and accepted and a man like Carmy isn’t. It goes back IMO to the continual coding of masculine/good vs feminine/bad. Richie is the stereotypical red blooded American male. He wants the stripper’s panties. He has a gun. He needs to be alpha. He views anything outside the norm as a threat. He wants to preserve tradition at all costs. Carmy is his foil. Carmy is viewed as feminine. 

I see it even on Tumblr with the persistent identification of Carmy as somehow feminine. Like he can’t be soft and traumatized and just be a man. So what does that say when even people who would probably consider themselves progressive still classify a man in feminine terms if he isn’t a MAN? We accept all types of gender identities but still struggle with a man not fitting the correct paradigm. Society still has issues accepting that men can be vulnerable and struggling without being feminized. People also make assumptions about Carmy’s gender identity and sexuality based on his trauma. Like, of course he has to be XYZ because well, look at him, he’s sad an pathetic. What does that say about men’s sexuality and identity? Are only queer men accepted as sad? Carmy could be a queer character, cool, representation matters. But I just find the semi-automatic equation of queerness with an atypical male to be odd and a bit regressive. 

Edited to add on above: I hope what I’m saying doesn’t get interpreted as dismissing queer people who identify with Carmy. I get it, I support it. What I’m speaking to is the insistence that canon Carmy is queer because of his interests, aesthetic, and mental health as if that is the only identity option. Granted, he could be bi. I also think some people are insistent on this, just as they are on Syd not being into men, as a way to negate the possibility of them being romantic. Again, I’m saying some people. Also, proximity and shared struggle doesn’t equal identity. This makes me think of once when a white gay male bestie claimed we are the same because I’m a black women. I had to kindly correct. We share the same haters, we are both marginalized, but he will never know my experience just like I will never know his. We can bond on the commonalities but we aren’t exactly the same. IMO, it would be a disservice to both of us to claim different.

I’m really rambling, but just thought I would share my thoughts and open a conversation about this. 

[commence-screaming]

I know you all are awaiting my response, and I’m grateful for your patience. There are some things I have to address here. Never wanted to put everything out there—I don’t like drama on my blog. I have a document that’s over a thousand words long, but I realized that when people have blocked me and are saying stuff in the main tag, they don’t want to listen. They just want to hurt me.

So I guess now there are things I have to clarify… it’s heavy, but I tried to keep it short. I didn’t have the energy to read everything they were saying about me so I may get things wrong. I didn’t really want to post this.

Content warnings for mental illness, suicidal ideation, mentions of abuse.

Let’s get right into it.

1. I’ve always lived with the paranoid delusion that everyone was conspiring against me, that people secretly hated me and would smear me behind my back. I passed these off as negative thoughts, anything that might’ve “confirmed” this would set it off. I’d have an episode I would have to deal with on my own. I thought that nobody would stick with me in a crisis, and I would always be thinking along the lines of, “is it all over?”

I feel liberated, now. There’s no need to fight when they’re true. I am more at peace with myself.

2. I never want to hurt anyone. Not a real level, the angst stuff is fictional pain. I am autistic—the things you’re hearing me say are the first times I’ve talked to people (other than my family) for my entire life. I always want people to go to me when I do something wrong so I can handle it and learn from my mistakes, that’s why I have my bio set to what it is.

That, and my memory is so fuzzy that I can’t remember too much from even last week. I tend to dissociate and my brain turns into mush.

3. The “minor incident” that Ghouse and the others were talking about was one of his mods saying she’d “tear people apart” and then immediately citing me as the main cause because I was “being rude.” I told her why I was taking a break, as I couldn’t handle it, this had happened before and I asked them to correct me if I was wrong—even confirming multiple times that we were just joking around because I was paranoid.

I suggested they go straight to me for future reference. I was having a mental health episode. She called me crazy and that I was overreacting, implying I was stupid. Another mod told me I was overreacting and that I was acting pathetic and childish. This made point 1 so much worse.

4. The “suicide baiting” was something I told the Panic Room server in confidence. I told them I was talking a break. Ghouse said “it wasn’t that bad but okay,” as if he were gaslighting me. He said things like this as I was sobbing alone in my room, which he was well aware of.

I have to clarify that it wasn’t baiting. Suicidal ideation has been something I’ve been dealing with since I was 9 years old. I have been abused/gaslit for more of my life than I have been safe. I never wanted to say this, but they were brushing me off at a point where I was trying to find a reason to live. I had stupidly thought that they would understand what they were doing to me if I said.

5. That was the first time I had an episode like that. To say that it was baiting is to say I was lying. Let’s play devil’s advocate here.

If I were lying for attention, why would I destroy all my relationships in a single night? Why wouldn’t I make art or something along those lines? They’re big on art.

If I wasn’t, then that would mean that I was having a few bad days and they did nothing to help me… beyond condescendingly saying that I need help. I don’t blame the minors in the server, I’m talking about Ghouse, who is older than I am by around 2 years. I told them I called 988 and it didn’t really work. He continued to tell me off.

After I was kicked I was made aware that they immediately started insulting me. Whether you believe me or not, purposely attacking someone who’s mentally ill is… too far. I hadn’t done anything to them before this incident.

6. The reasons I freaked out was because I was sad that I had unintentionally hurt people, I had started a new, dangerous job, and… well, to be honest, I was terrified.

They were making me forget that I’d been hurt. I was starting to trust them. I had been starting to look forward to tomorrow. And, I was so scared that it would all be over. I didn’t know when, just that it would be.

Now, it is.

7. I may very well have been joking around with everything while on the server, but serious topics were serious. I was never “demeaning” when Ghouse was venting about something that happened to him beyond a couple of lighthearted comments. I thought they’d have the same respect for me. Again, I had confirmed multiple times that I was joking.

8. I might not have done much wrong in the Panic Room situation, but the other things that people are saying about me? I had no idea.

That was the first time I’d ever heard of them.

In the past, my autism had gone completely unchecked. some of those things were from when I was a week into being on my first server… ever. I was 17, had no idea how to check for age or even pronouns. Never used anything but tumblr, never interacted with anyone. Never went to school or even had a job at that point. I more tried to figure out everything based off of my own experiences… which was, not good. To say the least. The things I did, in my head, I thought they were “normal.” This doesn’t make it less terrible, but I hadn’t even remembered some of the incidents until someone pointed it out. It was so mundane to me—I was a messed up child. I’m sorry for this.

8. I wasn’t the best person, I really wasn’t. I didn’t know how to “mask” my traits at that time, I was excited to be able to talk to people. I was protective over my friends (my first friends! ever!) and very clingy. I didn’t know that people held characters close to their hearts, either? (When I have a favorite, I only want to hurt them, you see)

So while the doc was deliberately taking things out of context, some of the other accusations are true, unfortunately. I will be posting my DMs between me and the people on the server in my doc.

9. I have explanations for what I’ve seen of the accusations, but I don’t really recall anything from that incident over 3 years ago… if someone had told me, or even confronted me, I’d have known what was wrong. But they didn’t, and they kept talking to me like everything was normal. I was completely unaware. This is most of the reason I thought people were plotting against me—people would be cold to me and I wouldn’t know why. The worst part is that I can’t apologize. I can’t even try to rectify anything. Some of the people in that server still played PAYDAY 2 with me, some would even reply to my DMs. I had… no idea.

I have hurt people. Unknowingly, but still. I apologize to anyone I’ve affected. Most of it was not knowing how basic social media functions worked. I hope you understand that my behavior was out of line, and that I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. Don’t defend me on that, I was entirely wrong. But… smearing me in the fandom tag instead of going to me directly means that they want to attack me. They don’t want an explanation.

All of my actions were genuine. I never intended to hurt anyone, but that’s what ended up happening. I’ll put more detail into the doc.

10. I was already going to take a break. I was already doing poorly, and the server knew this. At that point, they want me to go through with it. What else would they be saying when they do all of this? Unless I’m reading that wrong. Whatever the reason is, they don’t want to help me, they’re deliberately being malicious and they know I wasn’t baiting.

Although, I guess I have to thank them. Now, I can say that I wasn’t delusional. I can say that I was too smart for my own good. How crazy does it sound to think that everyone was just waiting to betray me? But… they were. I can begin to trust myself again, even if it’s accepting some of my “negative thoughts” as reality. I won’t be reaching out to anyone I don’t already know, and there is safety in never putting myself out there again.

Thank you to everybody who stuck around. My delusions… weren’t entirely correct. Just like how most of my former friends blocked me on sight, there were a few people who didn’t mind when I wasn’t responding. There are some people who believed in me to a point where even if all those accusations were true, they believed that I could change. That’s… something I never thought I’d hear, ever, in my life. That is a form of trust I don’t deserve, really.

So, I was wrong again. Not everyone wanted me gone. It took all of this for me to realize that there were people who loved me in the truest form of it.

As for everyone who cut me off… well, I hope you understand that because of my mental issues, I can never trust you beyond a professional level. It is for my own wellbeing, because I’m still not doing good. I will still be taking that break. The PAYDAY 2 fandom was a source of reprieve for me, and now it’s not. It wasn’t an accident that it turned out that way. All my safe spaces have been taken from me. I don’t know why the Panic Room server hated me, so I can’t provide any extra insight on that.

The truth is, I haven’t been around because I’ve been dealing with depression for a long time. I’ve been passively… yknow. Not actively. I haven’t had the energy to respond to anything on most days, I’m sorry for that :(

All of this was just the breaking point, really.

Thank you for reading. I know most people won’t, but I appreciate those who do. I won’t blame the rest of you if you all decide to leave as well, I understand that. I never made the blog for other people, I made it for myself. This whole thing will serve as a reminder that there are more important things than online spaces. Can’t get therapy because I’m broke, but I can enjoy the few things I still can… even if I’m reminded of what I’ve lost. I don’t think I’ll really be here anymore, but I will be okay.

[thisisanude]

it hurts so bad it hurts so bad God God God i’m fucked i’m fucked this is so painful i don’t know how to deal this hurts so bad i feel like my body is shutting down i feel like i can tdocsnhthjgg and there’s no solution there’s no fix because there’s no way i could ever 1) come out to my family and 2) leave my perfect boyfriend that my family loves and that i also love and have so many good memories with ???? but why am i so sad why does it feel so bad how am i going to get over this im literally nonstop feeling this awful feeling of impending doom and it’s just getting worse and seeing her feels so good but hurts a lot like so bad and i can’t do this i really don’t know what to do i need to make a choice i don’t want to make it i really don’t want to please don’t make me please don’t i hate this so bad and the guilt of emotional cheating is eating me up so bad actually eating me alive. like i can’t eat i feel bad all the time and to be fair im anxious about a lot of things rn but this is one of the top and nothing makes me as guilty as this. i’ve never felt this guilty before i really haven’t. in front of my boyfriend, in front of my family. not to mention this is how my relationship right now kinda started. like not fully but kinda this time with a lot more nuances. in my past relationship i loved him but i was never in love with him i don’t think. i knew i didn’t wanna be with him forever. and i wanted to break up months if not a full year before actually breaking up. i was just too pussy to do it and i was going back and forth with it but i was questioning our relationship and i wished i was single but in like a lowkey way like if he broke up with me id be ok type of way but i cant break up with him also i still like having a bf IDK. but my current boyfriend i was in love with for multiple years and even tho we’ve had periods in our relationship where it was rough we always came back and i really genuinely always thought we’d be together forever. i mean we’ve been together for 5 years and i feel like our lives are so intertwined like i have so so so many memories with him so many periods of my life where im like heavily with him and so many gifts from him and so many inside jokes and inside fun and i don’t understand what happened i really don’t i’m so lost im so lost i don’t know how this could’ve happened i just want to be honest honestly but i can’t i can’t i can never hurt him hes so precious and i love him so much. i don’t understand how i can love him as much as i do with my newfound issue like im doing the thing that hurts him the most by having feelings for someone else how dare i say i love him. im such a bad person i want to tell everyone they’re right and they need to stay away from me and i dont deserve to be happy and i just want to die honestly this makes me dissociate so heavy that maybe its a good thing that my mri was moved because im gonna be dissociating more heavily now. im not ok at all this is too much i cant handle it i feel so bad i dont know how to be a real person i just want to feel normal i just want to be ok. i keep thinking about spring semester and how good it was like up until april i would say except april was really good but really bad at the same time because that is when i realized it. i really wish i could have both of them i really wish that i was polyamorous but he is really not so thats never going to happen. but this makes me think back and think why did this happen like did our relationship also go downhill without me noticing. and it felt like we were having some upsetting fights not long before then like the one in august and then another 2 in november ? but then december felt really good with him it felt like things were getting better we had another fight in january but i don’t even remember what it was about. and it’s been a long time since then wow i feel like a fully different person. it’s crazy how much things have changed. i don’t know who i am anymore. i really don’t. i’m scared. i’m really scared. i just want to go home and feel normal and feel grounded and

[oneshortdamnfuse]

I am running myself into the ground every single day, but yeah I have it so good. Everyone has it worse than me. I don’t have the words to express how deeply depressed and anxious I am on a daily basis and I don’t have anyone who takes it seriously. My parents neglected my mental health my entire life, so I do the same. I can’t afford to not work through pain and hunger, but yeah being able to do so must mean it’s not that serious. Everyone asks how am I before they ask me to do something for them. I can’t afford to get a diagnosis for my many health concerns, and no one takes me seriously anytime I try anyway so why try. I asked to see a specialist six months ago and I’ve heard nothing back. I wanted to take tomorrow off to recover from the hell this week has been so far but I can’t even do that because I’m leading not one but two meetings.

I want people to stop fucking asking me how I’m feeling. I want people to stop asking me because I don’t know how to express how I’m feeling. Every time I’m in pain someone makes it a competition. Every time I get a break someone makes a joke that I’m hardly working. Every time I think something is taken care of, someone fucks it up and I need to fix it. Every time I express that I am losing feeling in my legs or my skin is breaking out in rashes or I haven’t been able to keep food in my system longer than 15 minutes or my heart is pounding out of my chest or my joints are throbbing or my throat is burning, I’m told I am stressed. I know I’m fucking stressed. I know I am in pain. I don’t have any fucking relief. I come home from work and I lay in bed for six hours before I even go to sleep. I don’t feel happy anymore. I don’t feel anything. It has been like this for years. I only look like I have my life together because I don’t fucking complain offline.

I’m like a rotting plant on a shelf that everyone’s in denial is rotting.

And I hate being fucking miserable when I’m supposed to be happy. I’m so tired of not being able to properly enjoy my birthday year after year because I’m slammed with work and I have to hear all the jokes about how March is such a drag - it’s the worst month for school! No breaks! Can’t wait until it’s over! Okay, well I wish it would slow down. I wish I didn’t have to dissociate for months just to survive it. I wish I didn’t fade into the background of other people’s lives that the closest people to me don’t even remember when it’s my birthday even if I remember theirs. It sounds so stupid but it’s just symptomatic of my piss poor ability to get anyone to see me. To prioritize me. To care about me. I will give and give of myself until I’m completely drained just to convince the people around me to fucking care that I exist. I don’t know any other way. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.

And my fucking leg is losing feeling again.

[riser793]

Vent under the cut

The thing about being chronically depressed is that it’s near torture. And people just expect you to take it because it’s something you’ve dealt with for years.

You watch so many people get their happy endings and what they want. But you don’t feel like you can say “oh, I feel shitty today” because that’s everyday and you don’t want to bum people out. You don’t want them to leave. What do you have left if they do? Your own mind already seems to hate you.

How do you fix something that might be a constant for your whole life? Without meds, with little support. I mean, I have adhd meds. But antidepressants or depressants I refuse to use. Used one and severely dissociated for a month because of it.

As one of my favorite books said, it’s like everyone else got a manual for how to human except you. Everyone else knows how to be happy. Why can’t you? What makes you so broken that you can’t even tell what’s wrong anymore?

I’m sorry. I want to be better. I’m trying. Please know that, if nothing else. I’m so sorry that I just felt I had to take all the shit I’ve dealt with. I don’t know how I’m still alive, and the fact I was at that point for so long scares me even now.

I’m in college, and the amount of people with niche hobbies is amazing. But what did I do? Doomscroll my way to oblivion, procrastinate until I nearly failed school, nearly ran away, was suicidal for six whole fucking months. What little I know, I picked up in between it all.

I can’t say I was in survival mode instead of picking up one of a thousand odd hobbies. So I just say writing. It’s technically true anyway. It’s what got me through, and what got me here.

Am I recovering? I feel like things are different here. I’ve barely had a panic attack, and no especially dark thoughts other than if I’m left alone for too long. There is my severe anxiety, but everyone back in my hometown is paranoid. Or maybe not, but not everyone has had their existence viewed as a joke or had to worry about being hurt because of a community hierarchy.

Does this have a moral? I don’t know. But I don’t feel as bad today as usual. So maybe it does. Who knows anymore.

[ahmumbles]

ㅈㅅ

My dad is, and always has been, my biggest trigger. One look, when his face turns angry, and it immediately shuts me down. I feel like I go within myself and it’s hard to free myself again. That happened tonight, and it was a simple misunderstanding and a simple phrase, no curse words, but it was that look in his eye, and I knew it was towards me and so, I shut down. It also happened a few days ago when he yelled at mom for being incapable of training the new girl. Muttering under his breath and intentionally making the room stale and dry. Purposefully putting her down with his tone and breath and energy. And I fucking HATE it.

Now that I’m 28, I’m starting to piece together what parts of me stem from where. And I’ve recently solidified the fact that I shut down, especially in arguments with my significant other, because all my life, I had to shut up and just take it with my dad. Every time he yelled at me, I couldn’t say anything back, couldn’t defend or even explain myself, so I did what I could. Dissociate. I forced myself to think about something else so that his words didn’t murder me. So that I wouldn’t show weakness by crying. So that I wouldn’t completely collapse.

It’s like a fucking switch, man. And it’s been good so far, only a month into being back home though. If that’s a feat.

I know that he’s gotten older and softer, because even the way he ridiculed mom wasn’t as harsh as the horrible, disgusting things he’d say to her before.

But he still has a short fuse, and unfortunately that’s just his personality.

I wonder if I’ve inherited that too. And a part of me thinks I have.

The ability to control the atmosphere in a room, in the worst possible way.

He’s the only person, outside of films, that makes me cry immediately. Makes me feel like absolute shit.

And I wish I could fight back. That I could just get a phrase in that would send daggers into his heart too.

But I can’t. I’m a coward.

I can’t believe that I still feel ok with my mom divorcing him.

She won’t do it. She’s way too attached to him, and she’s right- she has no other choice. This is her life.

And I also fucking hate that.

That she could’ve had such a brighter and happier life without him.

I also hate the fact that I’m for my mom getting a divorce with my dad.

And me being okay with never seeing him again.

I think my hate runs deep…

And I know I joke about it as the reason for my stubbornness and lack of communication skills to my friends and partners, but it’s for real. It’s real. And it’s dark.

And it might even be too late to change anything.

Maybe maturity is forgiving him, and understanding him, and being flexible, and like my mom said- not letting what he says get to you.

But I guess I’m still a fucking baby because I can’t. I just get so hardened every trigger and I become ice. I want him, I NEED him to know that he hurts people. And he can’t fucking do that, like he’s some king.

He can’t live his whole life having his way with people and never being told when he’s wrong. He can’t live without ever saying “I’m sorry”. How can he? How can he be okay living like that?!

And as much as year after year I try, I really fucking grit my teeth and TRY, to be so soft and understanding and sweet and kind to everyone, sometimes… I’m just SICK of it. Sick of the trying.

For what? Fuck all of this.

I feel bad, for myself and for my mom, because then I start to make her feel bad and I don’t want to do that.

I hate the person I am back home, and that makes me hate home, and thus makes me a very spiteful and emotionally unbalanced person when I’m here. I genuinely don’t feel like myself here. I don’t act the way I am in other countries, full of gratitude and wonder, when I’m here. And I used to think it was because my mind was weak. But honestly, maybe home is just not for me. It’s not my home, in my heart and soul.

Working at my parent’s place causes me stress and anxiety and I hate it. I wish I could be doing something that I want to do instead. That’s quite selfish. But isn’t it selfish they want me to be here, available, for them too?

Why do I keep returning when it’s not a ‘relaxing break’? Why can’t I just know what I want to do already so that I can start living my own life, how I want, by myself or in good company? Why do I have to still be in this one foot in one foot out situation?

Grow the fuck up Ange.

I’m so fucking sick of myself and honestly, I just want to die. In the least dramatic way, I’m not afraid of death. Maybe the there after, but not death.

I could hang myself, which would be easier to clean than cutting my wrists or downing a box of pills.

I don’t have this lust for living, and I’m not sure I ever have.

I told myself then and I tell myself now, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not even next year, but one day, my life will end by suicide.

[hadesoftheladies]

many women and girls don’t realize how common this response is in a world of misogynist injustice. victims of male violence aren’t always afforded the courtesy or dignity of living separately from their abusers or predators because most “justice” systems are biased to protect male offenders. so what do you do when you can’t kill or escape them? when they’re everywhere? when the people you thought would protect you protect him instead? you dissociate. you try to forget. you grasp onto feelings of normalcy and safety you once had with them. But there’s always a disconnect. always a vigilance you can’t seem to get rid of. then you begin to get angry at yourself, because the pain is coming from inside you. because despite what everyone says, you know what happened. you saw it. you heard it. but the world treats it like a dream only you had. cause nothing is wrong with your world. everyone continues like normal. so the problem must be you, they say. you are abnormal. your pain isn’t real. you only think it’s real because you’re a silly little girl. of course you’re safe. you’ve always been safe. he’s safe.

but even when the memory gets foggy, and you can’t remember the details, a deeper memory, one of visceral terror, cannot be quieted. because you know, despite the lies and the lack of support, despite his “normalcy” and charm, you know what he is

when he makes that joke, and his friends laugh, it isn’t based on fiction. jokes need a culture to land. what is that culture? when you met the girl that said he raped her, which his family now hates because how dare she lie, you remember the look on her face. the dread. the expectation that you wouldn’t believe her. when he abused your mother, you remembered. now she’s sitting at the table laughing with him.

you may laugh along, sometimes for your own sense of safety, to not call attention to yourself as someone fundamentally opposed, as you should be, to not get into another argument. you don’t want to destroy a fragile peace. it could be worse, you tell yourself. so you think your silence could maybe have some control over whether he does it again next time. you think challenging him could provoke him. so your silence is now responsible. if you don’t whine about it, he won’t remember he told that joke and he won’t hit your mother. or you.

you go to bed at night and think, I hate myself. I thought I was a good person. I thought I had a spine. I thought I could defend what’s right. you get angry and bold, but the moment you see him the next day, where he usually is, doing what he usually does, you can’t grasp what right is. you can’t decide on an action. you start to think, “it’s been weeks, months, years since he did that. bringing it up now will be random. It will make me sound abrupt, like I’ve been stewing over this all this time. They’ll think I’m abnormal for not letting it go or that I’m a coward for staying quiet so long instead of saying what I had to say. Will what I say change anything? Does what I say even matter if no one will listen to me? They’ll ask why I’m afraid of someone I’ve known my whole life. Something I have forever asked myself. Because I can’t admit to myself I am afraid of him.”

You are afraid of him. Whether or not it’s you he harmed. Because you know that even if he can’t touch you, or won’t, he can destroy every other relationship you have. He can destroy the self-esteem and spirit of the woman he has power over. He can uphend both your lives. You can provoke him and he could change the course of all your lives. more drastically than before. so now you feel it’s on you to keep that balance. to keep things as safe as they can be. as normal as they can be. so it doesn’t get worse.

i have a relative who I got along okay with. he was genuinely sweet. i’d known him for years, or thought I did. this year, I learned he’d molested my brother when he was fourteen. and the rest of my family knew this. I’d thought such a thing had happened when they were both toddlers perhaps, but he had been a cognitive teenager abusing the toddler. he’d gotten in trouble and got sent to therapy. to this day, relations are normal and my brother is alright around him. we all make jokes and all agree he’s weird. I think, he’s always been developmentally behind. perhaps he’s neurodivergent. perhaps he didn’t know what he was doing. because I’m trying to rationalize my feelings and the behaviors of those around me in the face of the truth I know. in fact, typing this out, I remember playing a game with him, my sister and his brother, I was five maybe four, and he’d forced a kiss on me.

this happens a lot. on many scales in many types. from things as seemingly mild as jokes, to outright abuse. he hasn’t repeated it, minor offenders are less likely to offend than adult ones. but they still offend. and not unconsciously. I want to feel safe, but I don’t. I don’t feel comfortable around him. no matter how sincere or repentant he’s been. it’s years beyond my handling. I may not be able to fix it, and nothing is likely to change. but I am not wrong for grieving or feeling wrong about all of it.

you aren’t safe. and what he does to you, her, children, is not your fault. do not divide yourself into pieces. you know the truth.

there is safety, kindness, friendship and love. just not with him. even if he’d only abused once. being uncomfortable, furious, frustrated, anxious . . . is normal.

we’d all do well to remember that.

I’m also sorry for what op and the person I’m reblogging from are going through. wishing you both love, safety and peace. in a different world, we could have all had justice.

[captainfightingflower]

The Tee K.O. 2 avatars are so unfathomably ugly to the point where it feels like everyone’s praising them ironically.

How do people find the Tee K.O. 2 avatars CUTE?!? Are we looking at the same bunch of avatars?? I’ve never seen a piece of official media adapt character designs this fucking ATROCIOUSLY in my life! They’re violently inaccurate, incredibly uncanny, and don’t even respect their origin game’s source material. It feels like reading the reviews for the Mulan remake with how disjointed the praises are to the actual product. Did you guys actually SEE the avatars, or are you just saying that you did so Jackbox Games can get your precious games on time that you keep pestering them to release immediately?

I’ve seen people compair this to Super Smash Brothers, and that’s probably the most brutal insult i’ve ever seen someone hurl at that franchise. That game respects each characters, they adapt each character to perfection, being in that game is a thing of pride. The only one i’d really complain is inaccurate to their source material is Samus, but that’s it! Tee K.O. 2 is a fucking travesty where everybody looks like they were drawn by an amateur artist for their fan game, and i’m pretty sure if any of my characters were represented in a professional project like how Tee K.O. 2 did it; i’d instantly wanna dissociate from the entire thing all together!

This entire pack is just an officially licensed fangame, that’s it, you can not convince my brain that this is anything but a fangame that just so happens to be published by Jackbox Games. I’m honestly starting to believe that i’m being pranked, because how can anybody in their right mind unironically call these things CUTE?!? That’s what’s fucking getting me. There’s no way people fucking like this, there’s absolutely zero redeeming qualities about their design adaptions and i cannot wrap my brain around anybody genuinely liking these as anything more than a fucking joke.

If you like them: HOW?!?! Tell me, tell Fighting Flower, why do you like these design adaptions?! What’s cute about them?!? What looks good about them??%! WHAT’S EVEN ACCURATE ABOUT THEM?!?! HOW, HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM?!? WHAT’S ALLURING YOU TO THESE AFFRONTS TO GOD?!?!?!?!?!

Nothing against you personally for liking them, i just can’t understand anybody actually liking these frankly terrible designs. I’m more surprised how nobody feels as offended about it as i do. I hate these designs, because at a fundamental level: they’re just bad. Not badly drawn, just bad. You can say you like them, but they aren’t good adaptions of character designs, that’s just the factual truth: they aren’t good. Show this to any professional art teacher and they’d think you were playing a prank on them. It’s practically reaching bootleg levels of awful. These don’t feel authorised, these don’t feel official, they are BAD.

I could write an ENTIRE VIDEO ASSAY about how these design adaptions FAIL AWFULLY at being good adaptions. I could go on and on about how these things should’ve never left the drafts! I bet you even i could depict them better, and i ain’t even a professional! And i’m not claiming that ‘cause i think i’m more talented than them, i’m only saying that to show how BAD those adaptions are! That a fucking hobbyist can better adapt character designs to a game’s design philosophy than a group of PROFESSIONAL ARTISTS!

I hope the pack gets stolen like the movie Foodfight! and the staff is forced to start over from scratch, or at least put that thing in the damn oven and delay it to next year! It’s so unbaked, i bet you they don’t even HAVE drafts. They thought the first thing they could and chuck it in there, because it sure damn feels like it!

[rezidue]

Vent story uhhh once I had an anxiety/panic attack (idk) when I was hanging out with my friends and my brain gave me the option between disassociation and age regression. With all my power I tried not to regress (mostly success?) but I still wanted to be held and touched and been taken care of so bad like… I just needed it to be okay. I remember really clearly wanting to take someone’s hand really bad. I didn’t get any of that unfortunately. I was (tehehe) the life of the party previously so my dissociated state brought the mood way down. They even said they felt it afterwards. Buuuut :,] if I regressed I could have been more okay and had fun… but that’s so scary to just regress around people. Idek if they would have noticed. I’m always silly lol. I DID have someone joke that they hated me and I almost cried. They apologized immediately cus they remembered I don’t like those jokes but :,,,) sometimes I imagine he meant it or I did cry. I don’t know :,,,) I’m touch starved and lonely and insecure. Moral of this story. Also lol I had the attack because we where talking about the one person who really loved me in my life who left us

[fromthewondersystem]

What is DID/OSDD?

DID is dissociation

DID is never being in the moment

DID is seeing life through a fog

DID is feeling like you’re living life in third person

DID is living life in a dream where reality doesn’t even feel real

DID is feeling so disconnected from your body, like it’s not yours

DID is confusion and fear when you look in the mirror

DID is amnesia

DID is not knowing half your life

DID is questioning every picture thinking how could that be me?

DID is thinking you’ve slept through the day, missing important events and deadlines

DID is not knowing what you did today, or even five minutes ago

DID is forgetting who you are, your name, birthday, address, what you like

DID is being bewildered about what life you’ve lived and what life you haven’t

DID is alters

DID is never knowing who you are, just that you’re “you”

DID is confusion about your identity, in a million different ways

DID is not having control over what you do or what you did

DID is never being alone yet still feeling incredibly lonely

DID is denial

DID is questioning if you had trauma

DID is questioning if it was bad enough

DID is questioning if your own memories are hiding something from you

DID is wanting to know what’s hiding but being terrified of the answer

DID is spiraling into doubt because you must be fake, this isn’t real

DID is locking yourself out from spaces and people who could help because of this fear

DID is being worried you actually don’t have it, but just as worried that you do

DID is trauma

DID is having been through so much and wondering if it will ever stop

DID is hating yourself and treating yourself like trash because you were taught to believe it’s what you deserve

DID is having no one to turn to for support

DID is wishing there was someone who would give you unconditional love

DID is never feeling safe

DID is falling into another trauma right after getting out

DID is convos between alters and inside jokes and taking a break from life sometimes or getting to be the happy version of you that never got to exist growing up

DID is terrifying, horrible, sad and angry and hating, confusing, stuck in the bad parts of life you’ve always had to deal with and never knowing anything about anything

DID is meeting others with OSDDID and crying, because oh my god, there is finally someone out there I can talk to, someone who understands what I’m going through

DID is being grateful for this community, even if there are some cracks or flaws, because for once, you don’t feel so alone

[clocks-are-round]

my season 1 approximate age headcanons:

(note: it has been a couple years since i brushed up on rvb trivia. these ages also assume that training takes approximately a year and whether or not the characters had experiences in the unsc prior to blood gulch. i also touch on— mostly vaguely— some uncomfortable character details that were mentioned in the show. a lot of the things here are purely headcanon though. also using this as an excuse to talk about how im choosing to interpret THAT tucker line from the season 14 backstory episode. these headcanons assume 1-17 as canon and may be subject to change depending on whether i like the final season enough to let go of 15-17)

caboose: 19, enlisted after high school, thought it was a college signup. was briefly stationed on a space station iirc but that was very short-lived.

tucker: 20, enlisted a year after high school trying to cope with his mothers death with delusions of playboyness and trying to run away from an incident that tarnished his reputation back home. (frankly i try to keep as much as i can of the rvb one-off “jokes” that can be taken as character backstory, even if uncomfortable. this is a personal choice and i understand why many people leave these out completely. this approach becomes relevant again when talking about kai later in this post, and yes simmons ate a dog once and sarge had a traumatic incident with a man who claimed he was his uncle. i just prefer to view them as serious events because those “jokes” were not funny to me. whether i bring these up in fics is up in the air. just because it’s fucked up doesn't mean im going to avoid it) the “joke” about tucker “she didn’t tell me she was underage and the charges were dropped” (paraphrase); rather than ignore it i just try to approach it with the best faith that i can. tucker genuinely didn’t realize. he just turned 19, she was 16 but said she was 18, they never did more than kiss once but her parents found out before he did and tried to press charges— how he found out— and although things ended relatively well all things considered it scared the hell out of him and pushed him to leave as far as he could… though he did so in a stupid way (“dr. cloitus”) to continue avoiding confronting his more serious and intense emotions. i imagine he was still pretty dissociated back then and while there is no excuse for intentionally being a creep, life is hard enough at that age and trauma makes it even harder to be “normal” about shit. tucker is probably the character i write most deviated from canon. a person once (though probably didn’t realize i could see it) said a fic of mine was a terrible ooc interpretation of tucker that they hated reading. to be fair, he was my least favorite of the main cast (HATED him the first time i watched the show, but he grew on me eventually like they all do) and i understood him the least which probably led to my headcanons not lining up perfectly with who he is in canon. i like to think i did better in some of my later fics but ultimately not everyone is gonna like everything i make. im not an official rvb writer, i just had ideas and thought other people might enjoy what i came up with too.

grif: 23, enlisted after dropping out of harvard for more structure/change of scenery. was stationed that place he was the sole survivor due to falling asleep during an attack

simmons: 21, enlisted after high school because his queerphobic dad said in an argument that if he went to war he’d accept him as a “real man” and his son. was stationed that place he had to eat the dog to survive

donut: 19, not actually sure what his reason for enlisting is. hmm will have to consider

sarge: late 40s, has insisted he’s 29 since he turned 29. enlisted in his late 20s due to intense boredom from his office job. was odst pre blood gulch

doc: 24-25ish when introduced in *squints* season 3??? (i’m sorry i’m rusty), enlisted after flunking medical school a couple times

kai: i haven’t thought super hard about this yet since my fics so far focused mostly on caboose, simmons, and tucker. though she wasn’t present in season 1, I imagine she enlisted as soon as she was old enough in order to go ask her brother to his face what the hell was wrong with him (for dipping so suddenly). her intentions changed before she reached him. probably about in season 5, she just has a bit of a baby face (thinking about two of my friends who as young adults were mistaken for young teenagers on separate occasions) and tries to use makeup to avoid that (based on a drawing someone made of kai doing makeup for wash(?) and saying she used it to make herself look older). the multiple pregnancies that grif knew about makes it tricky. as i said earlier i try not to shy away from things in canon just because theyre… not ideal. there was at least one pregnant student when i was in high school. teen pregnancies happen. but she also said at one point that she didn’t have sex in high school because she didn’t feel comfortable with herself iirc, so it’s more likely that it started after graduating. which puts a wrench in the ‘as soon as she was old enough’ idea. because that means she was at least 18 when grif enlisted. in short, YEAH WTF I NEED TO THINK ABOUT THIS MORE TO BE ABLE TO FIND A WAY FOR THESE SEEMINGLY CONTRADICTORY LORE BITS TO WORK TOGETHER. loose estimate of season 5 age: 21-22?? depending on whether season 1 to season 5 was 1 or 2 years (idr the actual time estimation). as far as the intent of the creators? probably 18-19 due to the teenager comment. …wait didn’t she say she enlisted to run away from having burnt the house down? so that probably contributed to her reason. damn i started this thinking i’d have a concrete kai analysis/age theory FUCK lol

this is a mess but. here

how fucking old is Kai supposed to be in season 5? She jokes about not being old enough to join the army and Grif believes it well enough. Lopez calls her a teenager. there's a deleted scene of her talking about algebra homework. She's had several abortions goes to raves and does drugs. What the fuck

[cosmicclownboy]

hi- why don't you like Maria?

Oh lord.

Where do I even begin with Maria.

Season 1

Makes a joke about Alex's secret relationship being with Wyatt and finding it funny- (Wyatt who is an abusive racist dude who commits hate crimes and bear in mind she knows Alex was abused for being gay) IT'S GROSS.

Speaks about Alex's secret relationship guy being his home to Alex and literally feels his hopefulness because it is part of her alien ability and continues to pursue Michael in s2.

Maria (straight) outs Michael to Liz. That's not okay on any level.

When Liz tells Maria to speak to Alex before doing anything she ignores the advice and does what she wants.

She's really smug about Michael picking/pursuing her like she won.

Season 2

Pursues Michael at a funeral in front of Alex without talking to him.

Makes Michael's loved ones husband funeral about a relationship status

Slut shames a random woman who makes out with Michael when they were never exclusive

Enters a relationship with Michael where he has to be exclusive but she doesn't because she doesn't believe he could be faithful. That's reeks of harmful biphobia stereotypes.

Ignores Alex the whole time UNTIL she needs something.

When she appears at Alex's door she says they are even. AKA comparing Alex not telling her a secret that wasn't his to share to her pursuing the love of his life in front of him without any empathy and ignoring the whole time.

Bitches to Alex about Liz and wanting fuck all to do with her. Alex has to remind her Liz has a dead boyfriend and is struggling cause Maria only has Maria vision and lacks empathy for her 'best friends'.

Uses her mom's laptop to get the scope on Alex/Michael's relationship which reads 100% manipulative. She even says Michael is pushing you away and then proceeds to encourage the narrative where Michael pushes Alex away because she suddenly wants Michael. And of course Alex is supportive she recognises he lacks self worth and rolls over him.

Beginning of 2x06 she tries to set up Forlex to get Alex away from Michael. Once again manipulative.

Tries to make Alex feel guilty for being gay in 206 because when she was a kid she idealised being with him and had to come up with a whole new plan. He grew up in an abusive household you know that....It's not okay to say that. You know how much internalised homophobia he has.

When saying he's had good relationships provides only examples of relationships with women......................HE IS GAY.

Asks him if he would change being gay.......jfc.

Alex tearfully saying he dissociates with women because he clearly forced himself to out of internalised phobia, Maria takes it to mean she has a chance. She thinks she's the exception since a touch starved abuse victim liked to be touched by her in high school. That doesn't = consent.

When Alex, a whole ass Airforce Captain tells her it's unsafe to stay at the creepo's place she acts all I am feminist about it and this results in Alex being stabbed and Michael getting whacked on the head.

Earlier in the episode she whinges to Alex about Michael kissing another woman in front of her and how cruel it was and then proceeds to kiss Michael in front of Alex KNOWING how he feels for Michael.

In THAT scene it's clear she notices Michael's emotions towards Alex and is insecure about it. She uses Malex's feelings for each other to her advantage. She's chasing the fantasy of getting with Alex. These are two highly traumatised queer men who struggle to say no because they spent their lives in abusive environments.

Neither Michael or Alex were in a position to consent to sex that night Michael is concussed from a whack on the head . Alex has lost a lot of blood and is completely out of it. And neither would ever initiate that situation. Not to mention the assumption Michael would be down because he's bi is so harmful as a stereotype.

"I think she’s cool with her decision. She wanted some answers, so subconsciously there was an emotional comfort she needed. But she also had a little bit of an agenda. She needed some decisions made about the status of their relationships, so she thought, “Let’s throw everything against the wall and see where it lands.” I think she was just wondering if they made any progress on that front. She said it was OK for their feelings to be out in the open, but let’s just voice them for what they are. As we saw, Michael stepped up and was like, “No, I still love you and I’m with you.” Secretly, that’s what Maria was hoping for. By suggesting a threesome, she’s was basically telling Michael, “Make your choice… and I hope it’s me.” this is what Heather said about the scene. So not only was it coercive and such but she used her best friend like that with no care or empathy whatsoever. It's disgraceful.

The next day both Michael and Alex are confused by what the fuck happened. Alex due to his C-PTSD completely dissociates from the situation and Michael attempts to laugh it off despite him being hella confused. The only person who isn't confused is Maria who is listening to them from inside.

When Michael comes in she turns on the tears just in case he does want Alex afterwards. Bear in mind she is a psychic who can feel everything and she assumed Michael was going to go after Alex. Doesn't that say it all. SHE KNOWS MICHAEL IS IN LOVE WITH ALEX AND VICE VERSA. She does not care, because at the end of the day this is what she wants. She wants to win. She wants to treat Michael like this trophy that she can show off to people I got the great Michael Guerin not a relationship guy to date me.

When Michael wants to have emotional conversations she shuts it down for sex. The entirety of the relationship it has to be her way or the high way. She also recognises fairly on his abandonment issues and plays upon it, reads manipulative.

When Michael who has lost his mom and brother in the span of a few months asks Maria to be more careful about her abilities she doesn't listen. And ultimately breaks up with Michael when she can't get what she wants from him which is a yes man who will do what she says and isn't the idealised Michael she wants.

Season 3

Shits on Michael any chance she gets. She's so mean to him and he goes out of his way to look out for her.

Is dismissive of her own health despite the fact that everybody goes out of their way to help her. Liz is in California working on a way to help her. Kyle is risking his job.etc

Is fine with Liz, her best friend losing the love of her life to get a vision to prevent a murder. A vision she's only invested in because apparently in it she blames herself.

Is fine with Max or Kyle dealing with the guilt of her death had Michael not saved her.

Shoves Michael and belittles him because he's stronger then her. Infers he just sits on his ass and does nothing therefore does not care about anything....rude. There's also a weird superiority complex that her power is more important then Michaels or any of pod squad for that matter.

Creates a situation that is so bad that Kyle risks his doctors licence to give her adrenaline. Just take an ice bath or something there are a 1000 ways to give yourself adrenaline without risking your life and risking others.

Doesn't thank or acknowledge what Liz is doing for her honey has spent a FULL YEAR of her life trying to help and your just like yeah I'll let her soulmate die for my visions.

Emotionally guilts Isobel for not hanging out with her despite the fact she's hated her for two seasons and now has just randomly decided she wants to know......okay

This idea that Maria is suddenly lonely when she's the second of the main cast (first being Kyle) to have scenes with all the mains by Monday. Literally everyone is there at her beck and call but Maria is lonely??? IT DOESN'T ADD UP. Everyone's up her arse 9/10 how is she lonely everyone expresses concern and care for her ALL THE DAMN TIME. She's also narratively never had scenes that give the connotation that she is lonely. Michael has scenes that connotate he is lonely. Max and Alex do too. Maria has yet to have scenes that give the connotation of feeling lonely or depressed.

Maria comparing the alien siblings to her and feeling left out when she acts superior to them and they are literally siblings. Literally every character is somewhat left out with Pod Squad they've lived their lives assuming it's just them three against the world it's not a personal attack.

Maria is 1/8 alien at best so diluted genetically it doesn't show up and somehow she believes she has the capability of the aliens who are 100%. Say you have French DNA you don't expect to speak French suddenly.

This whole Maria never does wrong narrative and it's empowering that she's doing all of this just feels like a crock of shit tbh.

She reads like a 2000's movie mean girl.

All of my bullet points are why I don't like h Maria and it's not biased because I'm a so and so fan. Narratively she just wins up doing shitty things to Michael and Alex the most.

[zukkacore]

@neerdowellnarrator (1st) / @delinquentbookworm (2nd) i don’t have much to add just both of you know I’ve been thinking about these tags literally nonstop since yesterday.

And if you guys haven’t read Persephone the Wanderer by Louise Glück it’s fantastic by the way and oh so relevant here. I think about it all the time.

Life has been breathed into me because of Porter. I have new purpose because of Porter. If I can’t carved my own path then all roads lead to Porter. I am a sequel to Porter. Fuck being good and principled, I’d do anything to not be a deathly silent symbol of martyrdom like Lucy and Yolanda. Is it wrong for me to say no to final judgement when I’m the one person in this world that doesn’t seem to believe in god? Either god? My existence has been twisted and mangled and I am no longer recognizable to myself but at least I am here. At least I am a toy in the toy box now. And nobody will ever know what I was before I got rearranged because their most vivid memories of me at my absolute worst and dissociated from the person I used to be contorted to be God’s plaything and spiteful and resentful and lashing out because I was denied anything fair, will always be their last memories of me. Jace was always an asshole, you know. I wanted a small egoless existence that was mine, but I was killed for it, and now I know what I have to do. I was never God’s favorite plaything, I was just an object on the shelf to fill out space. Something god was mostly indifferent about but out of necessity refused to toss. Turns out I was an accessory for another, better toy this whole time. And it doesn’t really fit but we’re making it work. When paired with this other toy at least I’m getting use even if I’m not myself. Who is myself. Nobody with the ability to pick up toys in this world was ever given the chance to play. Please let me be gods favorite plaything. It’s not too late to be God’s favorite plaything, right? I’ll even make jokes. I’m just like your favorite toy. I was taken advantage of by a religious person in power just like your favorite toy. I’m bad at school just like the people who love to play. I attempted a build that was not optimal and super counterintuitive just like the people who love to play. I wanted to make my own meaning just like the people who love to play. I want someone to tell me what to wear in the morning. I want someone to tell me what to wear every morning. I hate that there are people in the world that try to sell me answers to these problems. But I want it. I can’t stop wanting it. Porter, please tell me what to do. Who am I without you. A toy that never got used? At least I have purpose now. An ugly purpose, a purpose filled with compromise and barely living but at least I am here. God. You love me right? You need me right? I’m a person and not just a name on a list? Is there a place for me in the world you’re building? I don’t know who I am anymore, but can’t I be your favorite plaything?

This is simultaneously silly and dramatic and sad but mostly silly to say but I do think the Starbreaker circle’s insistence to play at a world where Porter really did love Jace is. Due to the knowledge that Jace lives in a world where his real god seems to love everybody. Except for him.

[eldritch-bf]

Writing A Character With Borderline Personality Disorder

First of, thank you for wanting to include a Borderline character into your work. We have very little representation in media and when it is there, it’s negative. The antagonist in Single White Female and it’s remake is said to either be Borderline or Bipolar, for example. A few Borderline-coded characters also exist but their symptoms are probably closer to bipolar depression.

Trigger Warning for discussions of suicide, abuse, and hospitalization

What is Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)?

It is called “Borderline” because it is “on the border of psychosis and neurosis. It used to be believed that Borderlines had a tendency to regress into “borderline schizophrenia,” but this really isn’t the case anymore. The term was coined in 1938 and there have been attempts to rename it but this is what it’s called for now.

Here is the raw list from the DSMV. My notes are below and italicized. Important take-always are in orange text.

Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment; this does not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in criterion 5.

A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation

Markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self

Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (eg, spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating) [5] ; this does not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in criterion 5

Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior

Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (eg, intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)

Chronic feelings of emptiness

Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (eg, frequent displays of temper, constant anger, or recurrent physical fights)

Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

Generally, a diagnosis is only given if a person has at least 5 of these symptoms.

My comments:

Re: #1 There doesn’t have to be a literal abandonment in childhood. For me, I was emotionally abandoned by both my mother and father during my formative years. My mother also hated physical contact so now I have an impulse to seek it constantly. Touch-starvation is an easy trait to add to your Borderline character.

The stipulation in #1 that the frantic efforts cannot be the behaviors listed in #5 means that a Borderline person might: drive 3 hours in the middle of the night to the person who they feel might abandon them; do some extreme begging or bartering to keep the relationship. Also important: these do not have to be romantic relationships.

Re: #3 If Dissociative Identity Disorder means a person has multiple distinct personalities, for BPD we generally feel like an incomplete person, like we only have fragments of a whole personality.

A common joke in the BPD community is “Oh, you have a great personality.” And the Borderline person’s response is, “thanks, I made it specially for you!” You may also hear Borderlines called “chameleons” because we take pieces of other people’s personalities and incorporate it into ourselves. It can be a fictional character, too. I incorporated a lot of NBC Hannibal’s Will Graham into my personality at a point. Another aspect of this is that Borderlines are very good at code-switching. For me, when I’m in a new group of people, I have to “feel out” the vibe and everything and then alter my behavior to fit this social circle. Most people do this to some extent but Borderlines do it constantly and unconsciously and often extremely well. It’s not meant to be manipulative. It’s unconscious, we can’t control it.

Re: #8 The anger is a big one for me and it often leads to homicidal ideation. But Borderlines are incredibly unlikely to act on it.

Other Borderline Behaviors

Favorite Person/FP: Probably the most important aspect of BPD. An FP is specific to BPD. It can be a romantic partner, a crush, a parent, an authority figure, a sibling, or a child (specifically the child of the person with BPD of they have kids). This is the single most important thing in a Borderline’s life. An FP is an idealized person who can never do any wrong in our minds. Even abusive behaviors will be overlooked or reframed.

We don’t always have an FP and I’ve also never heard of someone having 2 FPs simultaneously. I had 2 at the same time once but I would split on one and then idealize them other one. I would never idealize both at the exact same moment. A real or imagined negative interaction with an FP can make or break a Borderline’s day and if it is negative, they can “split” on them.

Splitting/Black-And-White Thinking/All-Or-Nothing Thinking: Borderlines “split” on people, usually an FP. This is how an interaction with an FP can “make or break” your day. If an FP doesn’t text us back right away we might think they don’t like us anymore or are mad or will leave us. So we, unconsciously without our control, “split” on them. When “splitting negative” on a person it is impossible to recall good memories of the person, or they are framed negatively. A once loved birthday gift from an FP might now be seen as insincere or irrelevant. This is the “devaluation” mention in criteria #2.

However, once the person texts back, say 2 hours later, we usually split back, and now the person’s real or imagined negative behaviors are gone and they are once again idealized, as mentioned in criteria #2. You can see how taxing such a sudden shift in emotions can be for a person.

It is also taxing on the FP if they are present during the split or received panicked or angry messages with the above scenario. It causes fights and the FP might view the Borderline person as “Bipolar” “irrational” or “unstable”.

We can split on people that are not FPs.

Tips For Your Character

Your Borderline character could easily be in out-patient therapy. I won’t go into the details but they could be in DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy). The structure is 2 sessions a week, one with a small group, and then another one-on-one with their psychiatrist who is probably also running the group. Psychiatrists need special training to treat people with BPD.

Your character would also do “diary cards” each day and record their mood and any notes about their day. These are easy to add in as throw-away comments like “I’m going to therapy, I’ll be back in an hour or so” or “damn it, I forgot to do my diary card”.

Fun fact: Therapists have been known to drop clients upon finding out they have BPD or giving them the diagnosis because apparently some therapists can’t handle us.

Your character might also be on some medication and an easy scene for angst could be them refusing to take their medication, forgetting to take it, or the meds being of of balance and them needing to go to an ER to be stabilized (usually they become suicidal or paranoid) and have their meds adjusted. This happened to me once. Lithium can be used in extreme cases as a medication but usually a combination of anti-depressants and mood-stabilizers is used.

BPD is often comorbid with depression so your character will probably exhibit depression symptoms as well.

Final Thoughts:

As long as you don’t make your Borderline character the antagonist or a manipulative partner who kills pets like in Single White Female, you should be fine.

Edit: tumblr glitched and I didn’t mean to post this now. I’ll try to get on my laptop when I get home and add a read more.

If you need clarification on anything or additional resources feel free to DM me or come into my inbox!