#I was afraid I might never post it at all if I didn't force myself to quit rewriting it

[nartothelar]

I just had a thought while thinking about your possession au.

So I know you posted some joke art about Ingo confronting a Zoroark acting as his (possessed) brother, but what if the Zoroark WAS trying this time.

So imagine ; Ingo with maybe Lady Sneasler and Irida walking through the Alabaster Icelands, and they get confronted with a Zoroark. It takes Emmet's form and starts terrorizing Ingo, taunting him with "You'd never hurt me!" and everything F!Emmet said before.

And Irida watches as Ingo, her cool and collected if a tad lost warden just... shrink back in fear.

Now just about any sane person would be afraid of a Zoroark, but she can tell that this is MUCH more than just that. This is *personal*. He normally never hesitates fighting Zoroarks when they take the forms of others, but this time he is terrified of hurting the man behind the illusion, and of the man himself.

Judging from everything the illusion of Emmet is shouting (even illusions and how they behave have *some* truth to them), and the way Ingo is terrified, she deduces that maybe the place or family Ingo originally came from wasn't ideal, to say the least. Ingo frantically telling Irida that he loves his supposed abuser only reaffirms her concerns.

Eventually, this becomes somewhat of an open secret among both clans that Ingo's 'man in white' is, to say the least, not good. And how is Ingo supposed to dispute that? He loves this person, and he vaguely feels protective of him, but he also feels afraid whenever he think of him.

Cue Emmet somehow getting into Hisui.

For some extra angst, he took care of his F!Emmet situation, somehow. (Maybe when they both went to Dialga to go to Hisui, he went 'wait a moment, you're not supposed to be there' and separated them)

Naturally, when Irida finds out that the man in white is actually here, she panics. Everyone tries to a. Keep Emmet from finding out Ingo is even here (which doesn't work, he came here KNOWING Ingo is here so he can tell everyones lying to him), b. Know Emmet's location at all times, so that c. They can steer Ingo in the opposite direction of where Emmet is, for his own safety until they can either get Emmet to go back to where he came from, or do some (incredibly biased) investigation.

Cause Sinnoh help them if Emmet IS actually as bad as they suspect, cause if he is even half as good as Ingo, then the amount of people who could potentially stop him can he counted on one hand.

Sure, he SEEMS nice if a tad intense, worrying about his brother, but who's to say he's not just a good actor?

I dunno, maybe the climax is Emmet finding Ingo but the Ingo protection squad (consisting of Irida, Sneasler, etc.) is keeping him back and throwing the not completely baseless accusations at Emmet, him saying "hey I was possessed by a future alternate version of myself, but hes gone now I swear" ("well that's awfully convenient"), and Ingo has NO IDEA what do to (cause he said that once, didn't he? He said that the thing was gone, but then it wasn't, so he has no idea if he can fully trust him or not).

OR, F!Emmet arrives still in Emmet's body and just starts tearing through everything to find Ingo. He's an unstoppable force that will not stop until he finds his brother. And he is nearly everything that Zoroark showed Irida. They are desperately trying to keep Ingo away from him, to no avail.

What're your thoughts on this? Do with all this what you want, and thanks for reading my rant.

OK SO THIS WOULDN'T BE CANON PER SAY (more like an offshoot au?) BUT SOME INTROSPECTION ->

so i might have explored this very idea in a couple of discord dms! but for the most part, yes, ingo would be very much scared of the man in white/the zoroark since his last days with emmet were very much tainted with future emmet's influence, but i wouldn't say f!emmet went so far as to abuse him - emotionally torment for sure tho. still, ingo would very much react, even with amnesia, with a sense of fear and apprehension to seeing him. mixed and very confusing feelings

when emmet does finally get to ingo in hisui in the actual au, him and his future self has actually teamed up (as the last installation suggests). that isn't to say emmet is angry at his future self (bc he is FURIOUS even now at how his future self treated ingo and made the last few weeks he had with his sibling so miserable for everyone) but they have a sort of ceasefire since they want the same thing rn

but similar to your ask, ingo doesn't react positively. he still doesn't remember much but he knows that: 1) he knows this figure and that he is someone important to him 2) does not want any harm to come to him 3) he, for the life of him, is scared of him. the clan is rightfully ultra suspicious of them and maybe puts him on watch (and maybe subjecting him to various interrogative talks to get him to explain everything) that the emmets accept without much fight -> f!emmet feeling extremely guilty for what he has done and believes he deserves the treatment/deserves to not be forgiven + emmet knows that the clan is protecting his brother and can't fault them for handling the way they do

f!emmet and emmet both have a lot of work to do if they want things to go back to the way they were, if they even can

BUT YEAH VERRRRRRRY LONG RAMBLE BUT VERRRY INTERESTING NONETHELESS SKSKK

[fandomfucker]

Judgement Day x reader Where the reader is an absolute cuddle bug, but is afraid they might be too clingy. So Judgement Day assure them that they love how cuddly they are?

Word Count: 2,053

Reader's POV

Ever since I was a child, I was extremely touchy. I always felt the need to be not only emotionally close to all my friends and family but also physically close.

I would hug each of my friends at least twice a day, along with my teachers and parents and my usually unwilling siblings.

I was able to calm down a bit by the time I got to middle school, restraining myself from hugging just my family members and my friends who were used to it by now. High fives and wrapped arms around shoulders and waists became a norm for anyone interacting with me.

In high school, I had better learned to keep my hands to myself, only occasionally hugging my friends. But, my friend group was also a bunch of pretty touchy people so sitting next to each other with our legs touching, or laying down with our head in the lap of the other while they finger-brushed our hair was a norm for us within our friend group.

I had accepted long ago that my love language was touch but that it wasn't for everyone. One potential partner in high school even broke things off because of how touchy I am. They said it was suffocating and just 'way too much'.

Touchiness has never been an issue with my four wonderful partners now, though. Rhea, Dominik, Damian, and Finn all seemed to appreciate my touches and would even go out of their way to be closer to me sometimes.

And I love and appreciate them all for it.

My partners are all very aware of my need for touch. So, on days when I get home from work, both physically and mentally exhausted, they'll center me a a big group hug until I feel better.

When I wake up in the morning, Dominik smothers me in hugs and kisses, usually ending in hours-long cuddles until we're forced to move.

Damian often has me sit in his lap, no matter where we are. A party, backstage at a WWE show, or just hanging out in the living room of our house.

Whenever I had a particularly bad day Finn would shower me with affection, figuratively and literally. He would help me take a shower, giving me small kisses on my shoulders all the while, before giving my shoulders a massage in our bedroom.

Rhea was surprisingly the most touchy out of all my partners. She constantly had to have a hand on my waist, shoulder, arm, thigh, you name it she was touching it. She's very protective and always had to make sure that not only was she giving me what I needed, but also making sure everyone else knew I was hers as well.

The doubts didn't start until about six months into our five-way relationship when I had been at home on the couch scrolling through social media while the four of them were at Monday Night RAW.

My for you page had decided to randomly show me a video of someone who had compiled a bunch of videos and pictures of me with my partners. They had all zoomed in on my partners' faces whenever I specifically was touching them and not the other way around. The person who made the video was saying "Look at how uncomfortable the Judgment Day looks. Y/n needs to stop fucking touching them and leave them alone."

The video instilled a spark of fear in me as I read all the comments agreeing with the original poster and for the next three hours I went down a rabbit hole of TikTok videos through the search from the original video; "Y/n Y/l/n being clingy".

There were at least a hundred different TikTok videos talking about it, with tons of comments throughout. I found videos so long that they had to post them on YouTube in which what they said about me was even worse because guidelines are a bit more lax.

For those three hours until my partners got home, I watched all the mean videos, read all the mean comments, saw all the mean posts, tweets, edits, etc, and sobbed as I realized that my partners probably were just doing it all because I wanted to and that they actually just hated me.

A little after midnight I heard the garage door open and Rhea's truck as they pulled into the driveway. I threw my blanket off my lap and sprinted up the stairs to our master bath. I needed to make it look like I hadn't been crying the entire time so I threw myself into the shower, making the water as hot as possible.

3rd Person POV

The four members of the Judgment Day walked through the door, into the house doing their best to stay quiet as with all the lights off they figured their partner was probably already asleep.

Hearing a noise coming from the living room, Dominik curiously made his way towards the couch, beginning to move around blankets and pillows.

Y/n's phone fell out of a blanket and bounced onto the thick carpet floor, it's face glowing up at the ceiling as a TikTok video played on a loop.

Hearing the clunk from the phone hitting the floor, Dominik tossed the blanket he was holding back onto the couch before bending down to grab the phone.

Mention of The Judgment Day along with Y/n's name made Dominik pause, focusing on the video playing. 

"I mean, just look at their body language whenever Y/n touches them. They all always just look so uncomfortable."

Dominik watched in disbelief, as he beckoned the other Judgment Day members over to him. The group has always been pretty out about their relationship and some of them about their sexualities so haters were a norm but it was beginning to cross a line by hating their partner, who wasn't in the spotlight at all.

He beckoned the other three JD members over as the video began to play from the beginning again, holding the phone out for them all to watch.

They all watched the video in concern, Damian took the phone out of Dom's hands once it was over and began to backtrack, looking at what had previously been watched before that video.

There were several more videos about this particular topic at hand which the four of them scrolled through with growing disgust.

After several minutes of this, Rhea had a thought. "Where's Y/n?" She asked the group in a small panic.

They all looked at each other in concern before Rhea bolted up the stairs, yelling their partner's name, the boys quickly following suit.

Reader's POV

I was still in the shower about ten minutes after I had heard the garage door open and my partners come in when I began to hear Rhea screaming my name as four sets of footsteps thudded up the stairs, becoming louder as they got closer to the bathroom.

Banging soon began against the door as they all reached it. I heard each of my partners distressedly shouting my name, Rhea, however, being the loudest.

I turned the water off in a rush, wrapped my towel around myself, and got out of the shower. I fumbled with the lock, unlocking it before swinging the door open in a rush. I was met with the four panicky faces of my partners.

"What's going on, is everything okay?" I asked, genuinely confused.

Rhea rushed forward, pulling me into a tight hug. My face was squished into her chest (not that I'm complaining) and was squished even further when my other three partners came around to join the group hug.

"Guys?" I asked nervously, tilting my head up and resting my chin on Rhea's collarbone so that I could see all of their faces above me.

Finn spoke aloud for the group from my left, "Love, you left your phone open downstairs. We saw what you were looking at."

The blood would have drained from my face had it not all rushed there as the tears began to fall again.

I dropped my chin off of Rhea's chest and covered my face with my hands, the top of my head now resting against her chest instead. The four of them hugged me tighter in attempted comfort which only made me feel worse.

They hated me hugging them and just generally being all over them all the time and were now hugging me to make me feel better.

"I-I'm sorry. P-please don't be m-mad," I managed to get out through the massive sobs. I began trying to push away, out of the hug barricade they'd created around me but I wasn't able to turn around very well with how tight it was, and Rhea's way too strong to move when she doesn't want to be moved.

"We're not mad, Princesa," Damian spoke gently from behind me. That just made me cry even harder.

I was crying so hard that I was struggling to breathe. My four partners kept me close and I could feel someone stroking my hair before someone gripped my hips and turned my body to face them. 

I dropped my hands from my face to my partner's waist, realizing who it was.

Looking up, my wet, red-rimmed, eyes were met with Dominik's wide brown ones. "Hey, hey." He shushed me softly. "Those videos are fake, mi amore. Okay? We all love how touchy you are. We love your hugs and kisses and all your little touches. If we didn't we wouldn't reciprocate them."

My sobs turned to sniffles at his sweet words. He gave me a small smile as he brought a hand up to my cheek, wiping away any remaining tears from my face with his thumb. 

I closed my eyes in acceptance, another tear or two slipping out at the action which Dominik was quick to swipe away. "We mean it, Cariño," Damian spoke up again, now on my right. "We love you and your cuddliness," He reassured me, his lips kept close against my hair as he gently pried me away from Dominik and tucked me into him.

"Promise?" I questioned faintly. It was directed generally towards all four of them.

I felt Rhea's hands snake around my waist, gently swaying me towards her a bit, "We promise. We love you so much and nothing and nobody will ever change that." She gave my temple a lingering kiss, squeezing my waist before turning me towards Finn.

"Don't listen to those morons on social media, love. We're just constantly uncomfortable on camera, especially around you just because we're worried about you. There's a lot of people and a lot going on and it can get overwhelming so we're a bit on edge trying to protect ya'." He explained smoothly as he brushed a few stray hairs off of my forehead and back behind my ear.

With their protective natures, this explanation did make a lot of sense. I mean, one time Rhea actually almost fought a fan at the airport because of how close he was to me despite, me telling him to get away. I guess them being my own personal bodyguards would make them a bit tense.

"Come on, as much as I hate to say it, let's get some clothes on you and put you to bed," Rhea ordered, shoving the boys out of the way to lead me back into the bathroom. I giggled at her statement, flushing bright red as she winked at me before closing the door to the bathroom, leaving me alone again as I quickly dried off and threw on some of my partners' clothes I'd stolen.

Coming out of the bathroom I saw all four of my wonderful partners seated on the edges of our giant bed, waiting for me to get into the middle for cuddles.

I grinned and got a running start, jumping full force onto the bed. Dominik made an exaggerated 'oomph' sound as I landed, causing Damian to swat the back of his head.

Laughing at my partners' antics, I crawled under the covers before opening my arms, signaling that I was ready for the puppy pile of cuddles I was about to receive.

I made my own 'oomph' sound as Dominik flopped on top of my chest, grinning wickedly as he playfully glared at me before sticking his face into my neck.

With all four of my partners now lying on top of me or next to me to some degree, I'd never felt safer or more comfortable.

Drifting off to sleep I only had one more thought.

"I love you guys."

[laismoura-art]

Hey!! First of all, thanks for the tag in your latest Suchin post, I really do appreciate it. ☺️

I gotta say, I'm really interested in your Seidan!Suchin headcanon! It certainly is a super unique take. I found myself having some observations and questions about her, which I would like to inflict upon you >:D (that is, if you don't mind lmao)

Keep in mind that I'm a lore nerd so I might go a little too in depth. 😭

Okay so I know your AU follows MK1 so Outworld/Edenia is pretty much the same thing. What makes me curious is how you chose to have Seido be a city inside Outworld rather than its own realm (I don't think Seido is part of Outworld in MK1 but I tend to forget a lot about the lore of this new era so you'll have to forgive me about this lmao).

Going from Seido in the OG Timeline, we know there are different types of seidan people: those who simply go by the rules, those who think the rules are too harsh but keep quiet about it and the rebels who join the Seidan Resistance. From what I get, Suchin's family would be the quiet dissatisfied people and I get their wish to run away. However, I would like to offer a slight twist.

See, we don't know if the Seidan government would go after average people who simply left Seido. They could, but it's never implied. However, they would definitely go after active resistants, because THOSE are seen as criminals. As such, families of said resistants might also be targeted, even if they are innocents. Therefore, I wonder about the possibility of a part of the Bunnag family being members of the Resistance. The Seidan Guardsmen thus deemed the entire Bunnag family as a threat and go after them, forcing the family to flee.

I also think it's neat that the Bunnags didn't seek help from Sindel given that, in the OG Timeline, Seido and Edenia have an okay but tense relationship since Seido still tries to force its order ideology upon Edenia. Sindel welcoming the Bunnag, then seen as criminals, would definitely give an excuse for Seido to attack.

As for Kenshi and Suchin, they would both be even more connected through their respective connection to criminal organizations they ultimately despise and disavow. Because, yes, the Seidan Resistance is on the surface a good idea, but they harm a lot of innocent people when trying to "free" their city/realm. It also makes me wonder about how Suchin would view Havik and Darrius in your AU and how the flooding of Seido could affect her.

Okay, it's a long ask but I'm genuinely interested. Seido is an intriguing place and the idea of including more seidan people, especially Suchin, really makes me curious. Ramble as much as you'd like lmao!!

HEY RASTA!!

Sure! I thought you'd like more Suchin content (especially cause you helped inspire that)!❤️

Really? Aww, thank you! I'm so happy this headcanon has been well received so far (I was afraid I had gone too wild with that one, lol)!

Please, do ask! I take any chance to talk about my girls! Plus, more specific questions like this really help polishing my ideas! So, thanks in advance for this ask!❤️

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About Seido being in Outworld:

I totally made that up! We can tell by Havik's bio that Seido is its own realm:

The only thing is that I expressed myself wrong, I called it a city, but what I was actually going for is kingdom!

I dunno if that's exactly what MK1 had in mind, but in my interpretation, Outworld is a realm, and Edenia is a kingdom within it (if that's not what they meant it's how I interpreted and therefore how it works in my AU :P) with that in mind, my idea is that Edenia and Seido are neighbour kingdoms with an okay-ish relationship!

And the reason is just for simplicity sake!

See, I wanted Suchin to have a connection with Outworld and Edenia for my Umgadi Girls AU, and having Seido being in Outworld and next to Edenia and Delia made everything easier and saved me the trouble to add interdimensional trips and all that stuff!

I wish I had a deeper and more interesting reason for that, but I genuinely just took the easier route. And I'm really not that ashamed cause NRS did the exact same by having Edenia and Outworld as one place :P

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About the Bunnags being part of the Seidan Resistance:

I LOVED the idea! Consider it included!👏🏾❤️

AND I'd love to elaborate on that!

So, imagine if the Bunnags were just as extreme as Havik! And if back in the day they had the same sort of power he does now, they would be just as much of a threat!

But as time went by and new generations started to come, the family realised they were turning out just as ruthless as the government they sworn to topple and were causing more harm than good to the people they were trying to protect.

So, the new members started to take on different tactics that would cause less harm to the general population and eventually shifted their focus on actively defending the population from the government.

Unfortunately, the other members of the Resistance started to grow unsatisfied, they felt they weren't doing as much damage to the government anymore and started to think the Bunnags had gone soft and were now disqualified to keep leading their movement.

Without the resistance's support, the Bunnags were left much more exposed and became an easier target to the government.

Ultimately, the family realised they could not keep fighting under "the end justifies the means" rule because that belief didn't make them any better than their enemies.

Fearing for themselves and the families they actively protected (and also feeling their aid to the resistance was no longer welcomed), the family finally decided to leave!

They didn't try to hide the ugly part of their story. Rather, they accepted it and vowed they would never allow themselves to fall back into that dark path again. They would atone for their ancestors' sins and be better. Seek redemption.

---

Which then leads us back to Kenshi!

Who is struggling, thinking his family has gone too far into the darkness, and there's no way of finding redemption.

But now he knows that's not true! Thanks to Suchin, who decided to trust him and share her family's history. Her family, who once found themselves in the same crossroad he's now stuck in. Her family, who's all about redemption, who's living proof that redemption, though hard to achieve, is totally possible!

So basically, the Bunnags were a big deal within the resistance! Legends even! So you bet Havik heard of them, maybe was even a fan, and aspired to be as much of a threat to the government as they once were!

---

And since we are here, let's talk about Havik!

But there's the catch! He grew up listening to stories about the great Bunnag family and their feats! But he also heard of their change of heart and of their decision to flee.

And that would be a MAJOR let down for him! They would go from heroes to disgrace in a second! He would DESPISE them!

Which means he naturally hates Suchin!

And Havik being the embodiment of everything her family sworn never be anymore, Suchin hates him just as much! She sees him as the person she could've become had her family not found their way back towards the light. Look at him is like looking at a twisted mirror for her.

And this led me to a scenario I SO want to brainstorm right now!

Please, walk with me!

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A while ago, my friend @meme099 requested my take on Harumi as a playable character, and I made this post:

In it, I included a Tower Ending for Harumi that was basically that, as her clan serves Cetrion (Mother Nature herself), it is their duty to handle natural disasters, and as a former Umgadi, she was requested to aid Outworld with their two latest (not so) natural disasters: the death of the Living Forest and the flood in Seido.

Harumi went with her clan and Cetrion herself, and for old times' sake, she was also accompanied by Li Mei and her former classmates, which, of course, include our dear Suchin!

---

Now, keep in mind that even though the Bunnags recognise their ancestors' actions were bad, they still hate Seido and think the government sucks!

Which is why when Suchin went to Outworld to reconnect with her roots, she did not attempt to reconnect with Seido.

She became a Umgadi because she wanted to learn more about the Goddess who helped her family escape that hellish place! For her, having a place in Edenia is more than enough of a reconnection!

And she did learn more about Seido. They are the neighbour kingdom, after all. But what she learned didn't really improve her view on the place, if anything only worsened, and gave her certainty that even if she was welcomed back there (she wasn't) she wouldn't want to go!

---

Imagine if the Order of Cetrion were just called to help with the Living Forest.

With that in mind, here's a slight change to Harumi's ending:

Havik would still be their main target, as he helped cause that too.

So Suchin would be here not only as a former Umgadi but also because she her knowledge on the Seidan Resistance (though outdated) might come in hand!

Unfortunately, not in her wild dreams, she expected the Seidan Resistance to flood Seido's capital and EVERYONE within!

Cetrion and her warriors reacted quickly. Suchin requested them to start their rescuing efforts on the lower parts of the city (ahem, the poor part), where the people would be more endangered.

Suchin was disgusted by the situation. It was exactly what her ancestors tried to avoid by changing their ways.

She ended up meeting Havik, and like I said: they both HATED each other!

Havik kept on repeating how disappointed he was and how low the Bunnag house had fallen. While Suchin prided herself for not being anything like him!

I'll leave the confrontation with Havik with an open ending, but in the end, Cetrion and her warriors managed to stop the flood and evacuate as many people as they could from the capital.

Almost every member of the government was killed in the flood, and others perished by Havik's hands. But the two or three members who survived made sure to intensify their war against the Resistance and their allies and, of course, as soon as they learned of Suchin, they had her banished, her return would be punished with death💀

They also sent the Umgadi and the Order of Cetrion away rather quickly. When the warriors tried to warn them of the possible dangers they would be facing, the remaining leaders only told them to mind their own kingdoms and realms.

The warriors were certain the remaining government wouldn't last a day on their own, but there was only so much they could do.

They all left the kingdom...

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OKAY! this turned out HUGE, but you did request for a ramble so HERE WE ARE!! :D

I hope this answers all your questions! And please, do ask more!! I love to come up with scenarios like this!!

I loved to talk more about Seidan!Suchin (and consequently about my Umgadi Girls AU) and would definitely be up to talk some more!!❤️❤️❤️

@mikka-minns @thedragonholder @moody-bloos @orbitinytheworld Girls? May I offer more Suchin content in these trying times?👀❤️

[waywardsou2]

Last night my dad told me to think for myself, to not only believe what others say and to do my own research. In any other context that would have been good advice. And yeah, it is good advice.

Except for the fact that he was trying to convince me that JK Rowling was not a TERF and a Transphobe...

Yeah.

He proceeds to then tell me that Trans people are not in danger, they aren't oppressed and there is nothing we have to free. Trans people are already free, and they were never oppressed...

Ladies, Gentleman and Others it is needless to say that my blood fucking boiled.

What about Nex? Hm? What about them? They were killed by their peers in the bathroom of their school. What about Sage? Who was outed and forced to live in a body that didn't make them happy because they were afraid of what might happen to them. What about Elliot? And all he faced in the industry and the world before and after he came out? What about Yasmin Finney and all she had to face post and pre transtion? What about my ex best friend who was outed at school and tried to kill themselves because of it? What about me? Who was bullied althroughout high school and was constantly asked "What's in your pants?" "Where is you dick then" "Are you even a real boy".

What do you think treatment like that does to a person and a community? Not to mention the countless other persecuted, raped, and killed over decades for just being who they are?!

Did they not matter? Do they not exist? Were their struggles not real?

What about the people of colour who are also trans? What about the religious people that so desperately want to feel worthy of their gods love being constantly told that they aren't? WHAT ABOUT ALL OF THEM?! What about all of the people who don't have access to gender-affirming care, let alone health care. What about the states in America where an armed civilian can shoot you on sight if they know you are trans, it's allowed and it's encouraged. What about all those people being forced into conversion therapy because their families believe there is something fundamentally wrong with them.

WHAT ABOUT ALL THE TRANS KIDS THAT KILLED THEMSELVES BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T SEE A WAY OUT OF THE SHIT HOLE THEY WERE IN?! THEY KILLED THEMSELVES BECAUSE THEY DIDNT BELIEVE THAT THEY WOULD EVER HAVE A PLACE IN THIS WORLD WHERE SOMONE WOULD LOVE THEM

The next time someone says that trans people aren't oppressed I am going to commit war crimes

[talks-with-the-void]

Werewolf Diarys part 1: When spirituality becomes toxic.

[I am very much taking suggestions for a better title instead of "werewolf Diarys btw if someone has any... also mentioning some people who showed interest in my writing, I hope you don't mind! :3 @solacesins @wolfislost @a-dragons-journal ]

Spirituality is and always was a huge part of the alterhuman community. When I, back in 2016, came in contact with this whole phenomenon for the first time, it was everywhere - kinfolk talking about past lifes, others who practised witchcraft or other magick, soulshards, godshards, parallel lifes, all of it. And while, in my perception of things, psychological otherkin are nowadays a lot more present, I would say the majority of alterhumans is still heavily spiritual.

Now, don't get me wrong - I don't think of that as a bad thing. Not in general. And I have exactly zero problems with folk believing in and practicing spirituality - I may not personally share their beliefs, but I think this is one of the areas where individual truths very much exist. Actually, my own opinion on anything is not really relevant here, I want to talk about something much more broad. A structural community-issue, I would dare to say and surprisingly something I've never seen anyone talk about.

Spirituality is a powerful tool and if used in the right way, a great source of comfort and stability for someone. That is great! I absolutely support that. A problem, however, may occur if a young person without established beliefs newly discovers their alterhumanity, joins the community and sees spiritual representation everywhere, but far far less resources for psychological alterhumanity. If you are constantly confronted with people who find happiness in a spirituality, chances are high you feel drawn towards that. Again - this is not an anti-spirituality post in disguise. You will soon understand what my point here is. So, you might start to - subconsciously or knowingly - try to fit in, to find the happiness they have. It happened to me in that exact way: I knew basically nothing about myself or my alterhumanity and I never had the chance before to explore what I might or might not belief in. Then I saw everyone talking about past lifes and simple as that, more or less decided my alterhumanity was rooted in a past life too. Because I wanted to belong. This alone would not be too much of an issue - in the normal way of things, if someone - me in this case - subconsciously or knowlingly forced themselves to belief in something they actually don't, after a few months or years they'd realize that and find their own way. Being wrong about something and trying to fit in is not inherently bad! It's a completely normal thing for (human or at least humanly socialized) brains to do.

But what happens if the person in question ends up in toxic spiritual spaces? That, too, happned to me. I had the unfortunate experience of being a deeply unstable young being with untreated BPD, depression, anxiety and various other issues who so desperately wanted to fit in. I met some people who I greatly looked up to, who followed spiritual paths - and I wanted to impress them, to be like them and most importantly not being left by them. Very very unfortunately... they had a lot of black and white thinking going on. Every little doubt about their belief was taken as a personal attack, every suggestion that something might not be a result of manifestation but maybe just a coincidence was met with anger. Don't get me wrong, if someone constantly disrespects your beliefs and tells you they're wrong, it's absolutely okay to be angry about that! But this was not the case here. I was literally afraid to say that I experienced, for example, energetic cleansing differently than they did because it would have been taken as a personal attack. But still, I wanted to fit in and was so scared of loosing the small community I built with those people that I didn't realize they were the reason I felt more and more miserable.

For those people, anything and everything was something spiritual and saying something like "oh, just yesterday I thought about song XY and today I've heard it on the radio 5 times! That's so funny, it's not even in the charts at the moment!" was instantly met with "you manifested the song!". I was talked over and told my own experiences were wrong because they didn't align with their beliefs. Lucky for me, at some point a lot of internal changes (we're a median system) happened and I/we realized what was going on and quickly cut all ties with those people. We rapidly got better and accepted that we just don't hold spiritual beliefs and that's okay. But this time did leave scars.

As a side note, aside from my personal experiences, chalking everything up to spirituality can be downright dangerous. I can lead to not checking in with the doctor because the shadow people you're seeing? Oh, it's just spirits! While I'm not saying it absolutely must be something medical, it could be hallucinations, caused by whatever. The strong headaches you get? Oh well, just caused by a blocked chakra (or, maybe not?). You might be right. It might be caused by metaphysical things, i am not telling you you're wrong. But it might as well be something health related. The circles I was in really danced on the line of being like this. Or, they crossed it, I think - several people there claimed to be able to perform physical healings over the internet. For me, they never worked.

The "structural problem" I mentioned earlier is simply how present spirituality is in this community and how that, naturally, leads to young folk blindly taking on those beliefs. That's not the fault of people who talk about their spiritual experiences and I'm not saying you should stop talking about it. Not at all! That would not be the solution.

So, what do I want to happen instead? We need to do two things: one, encourage critical thinking. And I don't mean the old-school "grilling" and having folk "prove" their identities. I mean we have to encourage folk, especially young folk, to not blindly follow beliefs they see everywhere around them but rather to look at themselves from different angles and find their own truth. If that truth ends up matching with the more common ones, great! Absolutely nothing wrong with that. But Alterhumanity and identity in general is about discovering yourself and who you are and that simply doesn't work if you try to follow someone else's individual truth. In the worst case, it might lead people into groups like the one I described above and I for one, don't want that to happen. The other thing is, the psychological side of this community needs to be more present. We need more voices speaking about psychological experiences, we need to represent ourselves more. It is so, so important for new folk in our community to be exposed to all sides of it, not just to a few.

Spirituality in itself is not bad or dangerous, but some people make it dangerous. I know that 99% of spiritual alterhumans are totally chill and cool and all of you have my deepest respect, but like it is with all things in life, toxic people also exist. And because of how prominent spirituality is in this community, i think it is our respnsibility as a community to try and protect newbies from those rare but existing toxic spaces.

I know I might step on some paws with this post and I apologize for that. But I honestly have never seen anyone talk about this issue, although I am sure I'm not the only one who experienced something like this. I'm totally open to discussion and questions, just please stay civil and respectful and grant me the benefit of the doubt - if you read this post anf thought "wow, that's such a mean thing to say", please assume it was just bad wording. English is not my native language after all.

Thank you for reading!

[das-ende-des-anfangs]

Dear P****e,

I just want you to know that you broke me.

When I met you, I believed in people. I believed in love. I trusted that the people who said they loved me would want to stand by me and help me work through things. I trusted YOU when you said you would do that for me. I was vulnerable and intimate with you in difficult moments BECAUSE I trusted you so deeply. I came to you during times of pain and uncertainty because I trusted that you would love and value me even if I wasn’t perfect.

When we met you said you didn't even believe in love. You said you didn't even want a relationship (and I should've listened), but when I was finally able to convince you that I was "worthy" of your love, I felt like my world was complete. When you told me I taught you how to love, I felt like I could do anything.

I helped convince you your life was worth living. I gave you the push you needed to get on meds and go to therapy. I drove 4 hours during winter break just so I could clean your apartment and have a homemade dinner ready for you when you got home from your dogshit job. I drew you a bath and gave you a foot massage because I just wanted you to be able to relax after working so hard all day. I wrote you the most beautiful piece of music I've ever created because I wanted you to know how much I loved you. I made you cry tears of joy nearly every time we saw each other. I gave you EVERYTHING that I had, but it still wasn't enough.

You said you wanted to build a life with me. You told me how beautiful your name would sound with my last name at the end of it. You gave me a key to your apartment, and not even two weeks later you said you wanted to leave me. I begged you to stay and you dragged things out so I would eventually just get sick of waiting for you and you could tell our friends it was "mutual."

It's been months since I even spoke to you, and I still live every day in fear that the new loves I meet will abandon me like you did. So I try to make myself perfect. I have to love perfectly, talk perfectly, fuck perfectly, do everything PERFECTLY because maybe it will keep me safe. You're the reason I can't even force myself to believe people when they say they want to make me a part of their life, when they say they're committed to working out whatever might come up in our relationship. I can't even give the people I love the gift that is trusting them when they say they'll stand by me, even when (unlike you) they've done everything to earn that trust.

I wish I could make you feel how I feel right now. I wish I could make you experience a fraction of the pain that you put me through. I wish I could make you know what you took from me, but instead I'm writing a post on the internet that maybe 5 people will even read (if I'm lucky).

I hope it felt good to reap all the benefits of the love I gave you and leave me with nothing but fear, mistrust, and self-hatred. I hope you're happy that I can't stop breaking down in front of the people I love because I'm afraid that they'll throw me away like you did. I hope you're happy to know that I still live in absolute terror of letting people see what I struggle with because of how you used it against me. I know I'm healing, and I know I will overcome this, but right now I just feel like I'm drowning under the pain that you left me.

I hate you, P****e. I hate you so much for what you took from me. I know I'm supposed to be the bigger woman and find it in myself to forgive you, but not now. Not when the wounds you gave me are still so raw and so fresh. I hope you never find anyone as good as me, because you don't deserve the type of love that I gave you. Good luck breaking that streak of failed 6-month relationships. Maybe someday you'll realize that YOU'RE the fucking problem, but at this point I don't really care if you do. My only hope is that there will come a time when I never have to waste so much as single neuron activation on your sorry excuse for an existence. Just like I said the last time I ever spoke to you, I am looking forward to not giving a FUCK about you.

Sincerely,

Anja

[phdmama]

heeeyyyyy what do you mean by curation criteria?

anon I'm ngl at first I had no idea what this meant, but then I remembered my tags on this post.

So usual caveat, these are my thoughts as I'm currently thinking, and are not a judgement on how other people choose to navigate the world (unless you're, like, sending death threats on anon or whatever).

Behind a cut because as usual, I rambled.

So for me, the phrase I internalized from @cuethetommo is "curate your own experience," meaning, all of this on tumblr pretty much is OPT-IN. I control my own dash. Sure, sometimes I see stuff I don't like or that makes me uncomfortable or whatever, but that's life in the world, baby, and it's not other people's job to protect me. As an adult on the internet, it's my job to manage my own experience which includes managing any uncomfortable (or worse) feelings that might get stirred up by what I see. There is no safe space on the public internet.

The day I realized I could just unfollow blogs that posted stuff I didn't like was HUGE for me (as a point of reference, my own personality is very anxious, very loyal to the point of pathology, and desperately afraid of hurting anyone's feelings so I'd follow blogs and then realize their content wasn't for me but stick around). Probably other people already know this, or never needed to learn it.

I unfollow. I block. I make very very liberal use of tag and content filtering because it puts me in charge of deciding if I want to see something or not. And I strongly encourage people to do the same. I try to tag my specific fandom stuff because I know not everyone is interested in 911 or hockey or any of the many other things I'm into (see pathologically loyal above - I fall into hyperfixations easily, leaving is hard).

So my curation criteria continue to evolve as I sit with any uncomfortable feelings that might come up from what I'm seeing (this isn't like, a huge process or anything, I just take note of that "oh dear" sensation and respond fairly quickly). I used to force myself to stick with things I didn't enjoy because... I don't know. All of my own stuff. But like, this is my recreation space. Why on earth would I do that to myself?

So I unfollow/block/filter as the situation warrants and move on. And I'm very deliberately not writing any specifics about what those filter terms might be or the content I don't like, because it's not important. Other people get to enjoy those things, post those things, interact with those things! And more power to 'em. I mean that really sincerely. I just don't see the point of seeking out things that I don't like.

Life is hard enough, you know?

[prettyboysinmyheart]

one more and ill be done bothering you.

ive been writing for forever. the main aus were started in September. and at first I did get a few people sending in. And then when new aus were started things got sent in. but then it all of a sudden it stopped. like literally I had this one anon who sent in something everyday and then they just didn't anymore. and I was fine with it. I never want people to feel forced to send things in. I do ask from time to time. I had things that I wanted to post on my aus. but then I wrote a good chunk of the things out. And then I started grasping at straws. And putting out more angst. but I tried posting more happy things and it got a little response. And then I started taking longer breaks in between writing things because I had no idea what to do. now I feel really lost. and I know the best thing would be to put Tumblr down for a while and work on myself. but im afraid of being forgotten if I do. hell im pretty sure Ive already have been forgotten about.

I do tag .. a bit. I don't like being annoying so sometimes I'll tag the player if there is something important that I think will draw people in to reading it. other than that I tag the au.

oh and I don't want to share any of my thoughts like this on my blog, people will think im more mental than I already am. so I appreciate this.

I love you. thank you.

You can come bother me whenever you want!!

I completely understand. If you're feeling overwhelmed with writing, you might want to consider taking a break and engaging with your followers instead. Connecting with them could help spark ideas and make them more interactive with your content. It's been really helpful for me! Sometimes inspiration strikes when you least expect it, so try not to stress too much. I know it can feel like a pressure to post regularly to keep your followers entertained, but remember to prioritize yourself first. Your well-being is the most important thing.

No worries. You’re safe with me, lovey

I love you more!! You’re welcome 🤍

[huraiyra]

sorry for vent posting guys you can scroll away really fast now. if youre reading this please be advised I am using a metaphor I am fine lol

but damn I do not feel like a person. I've been this way my whole life and as a teen I thought I had dependent personality disorder bc I just wanted others to make every decision for me and I would ask permission to eat or watch TV or use the bathroom even if I didn't NEED TO and people would be like why are you ASKING. and as I grew up I realised that my fear of making the wrong decision and ruining my life for myself was so stupid. I used to think if someone else ruined my life it would be okay bc at least it's not me. and others know best. but a decade later and I feel like a fucking dog being paraded around to show off its obedience and it gets disciplined when it barks and when it makes a decision against its owner it gets its leash tightened tighter and tighter till it feels like it might die. and I can't escape it. my dependence is self imposed but I can't survive on my own and maybe I learned how to think and eat on my own but I fucking suck BUT I'M WILLING TO TRY but there's no way out. I'm stuck here. what am I without my mom to control me. I'm afraid of leaving I love my home I just want to be taken care of but this leash isn't comfortably snug anymore it's starting to hurt. if I stay here there's no way I can fight them. some day they'll hold me down and have me married and then someone else will hold me down and... more imminent, soon I'll be shoeholed into another career that will damage my body again. my mom says the damage is my fault and if I cant do it I'm a worthless idiot who should die bc life is pain and that's final. but today my doctor said there's no reason to treat me for weak legs that can't stand and a brain that's spasming and making me want to off myself if I can just... quit the job that's making my body do that. how revolutionary. I'm crying freaking out bc all my parents tell me is tht theres no way out and I have to work jobs I hate bc work sucks and thats how life is and why did my doctor have to give me hope? but if I'm a dog what decision does the dog have. I don't know how to want. I don't know how to be interested in things. my depression doesn't let me like anything and bc of this I'm being controlled. maybe if I wanted something I could do it but all I want is comfort. as long as I crave only the comfort of my bed and the softness of my mother's arms holding me I have to deal with the leash. it's not a bad deal but by fuck I should not deal with this any longer. I can't force myself to leave bc I'm unemployed and psychotic and living alone—even my brother knows I'd fall into pieces from lack of money and general insanity. what the fuck do I do. I like being a pampered puppy but I'm a human and I need to accept it. no matter how psychotic I am, no matter how I've never believed I am a human, I am. my autism says I'm scared of other people and only my mom halfway gets me and I just want simplicity and depression says stay in bed and my health says I have no future and my psychosis says stay in a small ball or else everything will hurt you and my family says I need to listen to them and life is only pain and I need to embrace pain and shut the fuck up and do whatever they say or else. but I need to survive. I can't keep doing this. what do I do? dog on a leash... I can't make myself cut through it. can someone else do it please? I want a different owner. but I don't think any owner is going to be as comforting as my parents. their (prev physical and lifelong psychological) abuse is mixed with so much love I still doubt it's abuse even though I know. they've loved me as much as they're capable of and they do truly take care of me. I need to be my own owner but how the fuck. every few days I cry and want to die to end all of this bc the worst part is that after I get away from them all my problems will be worse bc I'M the problem and my parents love is the only thing keeping me in one piece. I'm a dependent pampered dog that can't run away and can't handle a leash. I just keep ruminating and ruminating and I can't do anything. what the fuck do I do?

[nottoxicfr]

Last night I got really thinky about the logo designs I'm doing for Guilty Gear, and I kept asking myself "why am I not making Sol Badguy the logo?" It wouldn't be unreasonable, but something about it felt misplaced to me. He's the main character, so he can't be the logo! Yet, it's not like Amano-style logos can't have the focus character as the design center (see FF8 and FF10), so then what's the problem?

Honestly, it was a big conundrum to me. I was typing up drafts all night, but I didn't post because I thought nobody would give it much thought. I couldn't stop thinking about it though!

To me, Guilty Gear seems like a series focused on consequences and actions, specifically the consequences of the actions taken by the trio of Asuka, Aria, and Sol. However, the consequences go beyond the kickback onto them.

There are consequences in the form of the Holy War, of the millions (billions) of people who were killed by Gears, and even more terrible things. I think these consequences are well embodied by characters like Ky, Testament, Anji and Baiken. On the other hand, you could also say Sin is a direct consequence of the Gear Project. Without Justice, Dizzy never would have made it to the post-Holy War era! Ky may have never found a life outside his bloodshed, and Ramlethal and Elphelt may have ended differently. I sort of feel like Sin is the direct opposite of the Holy War, the embodiment of a positive consequence of the Gear Project. It makes his connection to Sol quite special, in that sense.

(Dizzy is also a consequence, but it feels like she's an example of what the original purpose of the Ecosystem Evolution Project was. After all, it was meant to strengthen humanity and help people!)

Although Sol is someone who affects the world of Guilty Gear, I think he more so belongs to the category of people who are affected. In every game, something or someone reaches out to him to push him along his development as a character. In that way, it's almost as if he's playing the game with us...

If Guilty Gear is a game about actions and consequences, then I think it would be important to try and show that in the logo. If Sol was the focus of the logo, that would be like showing the viewer a snapshot of themselves when they were young! Most people would find that unsatisfactory as a logo probably.

Testament works well as a logo design for the first game. Not just because of their appealing design! I feel like they draw the viewer naturally to the main idea of Missing Link. It seems centered around the idea of a reason to exist. Sol's reason is to destroy all Gears, while Justice wants to rid the world of Humanity! Ky is struggling with his reasons post-Holy War, and Testament's reason to exist was forced onto them as a result of their new form of existence.

Besides, if you saw them on the logo, you might think "Wow! I want to see that character in the game!" Then you'd find that they're an antagonist, and you'd think they were the final boss. I have to think Justice would be quite the surprise from that perspective.

I feel like this is sort of silly to think about when I could just scribble something out and justify it to myself, but I try to take myself seriously! Maybe I'm just afraid of drawing Sol in my poor imitation of Mr. Amano's artstyle? Maybe someday soon?

[monstrsball]

my favorite line in each song on noah kahan's stick season (we'll all be here forever)

this will be long so i am just putting it all under the cut <33 if you haven't, you should listen to stick season by noah kahan btw

Northern Attitude

"Forgive my northern attitude, oh, I was raised on little light."

Stick Season

"And I'll dream each night of some version of you That I might not have, but I did not lose."

honestly really hard to narrow it down for this one because i love so many lines in this long... "I'm no longer funny cause I miss the way you laugh" is another one i really like.

All My Love

"Now I know your name, but not who you are."

(runner-up: "If you need me, dear, I'm the same as I was" )

this is one of my favorite songs on the album in general because it's just so... relatable, idk. like this is a song about a past relationship but it makes me think about the friends i lost touch with after i graduated high school. makes me emo.

She Calls Me Back

"I still dial 822-993-167"

the pre-chorus just tickles my brain... i enjoy it a lot but specifically this line. idk man. otherwise i don't have like strong emotions tied to this song or anything but i do like it.

"Oh, there was heaven in your eyes. I was not baptized" is also good though... really love the way he sings it too

Come Over

"Someday I'm gonna be somebody people want"

New Perspective

"You and all of your new perspective now Wish I could shut it in a closet And drag you back down"

Everywhere, Everything

"Everywhere, everything, I wanna love you 'til we're food for the worms to eat"

Orange Juice

"Are we all just crows to you now?"

there are so many parts of this song that i absolutely adore... it's so hard to pick one. the post-chorus is genuinely incredible. my favorite part of the song.

Strawberry Wine

"No thing defines a man like love that makes him soft"

Growing Sideways

"I'm terrified that I might never have met me."

Halloween

"But the wreckage of you, I no longer reside in And the bridges have long since been burnt"

Homesick

"I got dreams, but I can't make myself believe them. Spend the rest of my life with what could have been And I will die in the house that I grew up in"

as i've said before.... this song seems to perfectly sum up what being in your 20s is like lmao. (it's very much about growing up in new england but it's also so 'what being in your 20s is like' to me)

Still

"You miss something that you can't place but you can't deny it"

The View Between Villages

"The things that I lost here, the people I knew They got me surrounded for a mile or two."

The View Between Villages (extended) <- technically the last song on the album but i'm putting it here so it goes with the original

"I'm back between villages and everything's still"

okay i was going to pick a lyric that was unique to the extended version but i couldn't. i just love this one, i have to represent it.

Your Needs, My Needs

"I'm naming the stars in the sky after you"

however, the bridge is also INCREDIBLE and perhaps my favorite part but i don't want to just write the entirety of it. and i think what makes it my favorite is less the lyrics and just the way he sings it and the way it... intensifies and gets louder?? idk. but it makes me crazy.

Dial Drunk

"'Son are you a danger to yourself?' Fuck that sir, just let me call"

another one where the bridge is my favorite part of the song and i didn't want to just write the entirety of it lol. this line IS from the bridge though

Paul Revere

"And the world makes sense behind a chain-link fence If I could leave, I would have already left"

No Complaints

"Yes, I'm young and living dreams In love with being noticed and afraid of being seen"

Call Your Mom

"I'll drive, I'll drive all night I'll call your mom"

once again, the bridge is the best part of the song imo but this line gets to me too. this whole song makes me tear up though... had to force myself not to cry one time when it came on while i was in the car with my dad.

You're Gonna Go Far

"We ain't angry at you, love You're the greatest thing we lost"

this is the hinata shouyou song to me... so ofc this is my favorite line. <33 i think about him and karasuno whenever i listen to it and it makes me so so so emo, i want to cry. hinata fans gather and listen to this song.

also have recently started appreciating "Making quiet calculations where the fault lies"... makes me think about a certain ship that i'm sure you will never be able to guess [sarcasm] <- world's most predictable girl

[bebouhito]

Nanahito domestic AU, post mpreg, fluff, 440 words

"Kento?"

"Hrrmph…?"

"Are you asleep?"

"... I was."

"..." 

Nanami couldn't afford to lose a single hour of sleep during the short periods of time that the baby wasn't crying.

"Why did you wake me up?"

No reply.

"Mahito?"

"You sound mad."

"I'm not, I'm just tired. You should be sleeping too."

"How can you sleep?"

Nanami propped himself up on his elbow to get a better look at Mahito.

"What do you mean?"

"Don't you feel it too?"

"I'm sorry, but it's four in the morning and I have no idea what you're talking about. Can't it wait a few hours?"

Mahito's frown showed that no, it couldn't wait.

"I think there's something in my belly, where the baby used to be, and it keeps telling me bad things could happen to him at any moment, even when everything's alright. I feel like he might be constantly needing something, even when he's not crying, and I doubt myself. I created a whole, fully functional human being, but now that he's his own person, I feel like this is too much, and so much bigger than me. When I look at him, I think he's sending emotional beams directly into my brain because I've never felt like this before. Can he do that?"

Nanami laughed softly and draped his arm over Mahito's chest, gently forcing him to lay back down.

"Maybe he can, because I feel the same."

"See! I was right!"

"Shhh. It's parental anxiety. It's perfectly normal."

"If you feel it too, then how can you sleep so well?"

"I'm human, so I always needed more sleep than you in the first place. But I also tell myself that I'm fully prepared to handle this… tiny human-curse hybrid and that I don't have to deal with all this on my own."

They were face to face now, with their faces close together, so Mahito could see Nanami's little smile.

"That means you can rely on me, and that, whatever happens, I'll be by your side."

"... Am I always going to feel like this?"

"I'm afraid so. But it's a good thing. It shows how much love you have for him. I can tell. You are so, so loving."

"I love you, too."

Wailing could be heard from the next room. Nanami sighed and pressed a kiss to Mahito's forehead before getting out of bed. They both knew it was supposed to be Mahito's turn to go.

"Get some sleep. I can do a lot, but I can't handle two sleep-deprived babies at the same time."

Mahito didn't protest. He loved still being Nanami's baby.

[murraybaumandetectiveagency]

I try not to get blinded by my love for Byler and cry "Byler endgame!" without actually going through all the evidence for and against Byler. I am a lesbian, I very much look for queer romance in everything that I watch. I want representation because I relate so much more when it's same sex couples. I can still enjoy shows without it, but my brain is wired to search for the gays. So I know that I am biased when I look at these things.

At the same time I also know that someone who is straight might not see the queer coding and messages in the same light. They don't have the same experience as a queer person. Yes, a lot of straight people ship Byler and might root for them to be endgame, but I still don't think they can understand it as deeply as someone who is queer.

At the same time, I know that for a straight couple to be interesting to me they need to really prove it. Think about the amount of movies where you instantly know that two characters will get together even though they have no chemistry at all or never is shown to actually begin to form a relationship. Action movies does this a lot. Sloppy writing. I'm not saying ST does this but if you compare a couple like Joyce and Hopper, which I've been rooting for since season 1, they really got me engaged in this ship even though it's not really in my nature to ship straight ships. When Robin showed up in S3 I really didn't feel anything between her and Steve and I was so afraid when the moment would come when they would be forced together because it so obviously didn't work. But then Robin was a lesbian and I cried happy tears because finally Stranger Things had a character that I related to. They actually dared to make her a lesbian when the romance angle didn't work (fyi they planned for her to be a love interest at the beginning but changed their minds and made her gay).

My point is that we all have different viewpoints and we have to be careful not to get blinded by our biases. I will see gay before straight and straights will see straight before gay. It's quite natural actually.

So I have decided to make it a point to find arguments against Byler and to some extent even for Mileven. By doing so I can help myself see it from a different angle and see if the proof we have for Byler to be endgame actually holds up. Because as my first ever post on this blog said - I am terrified of being queerbaited again. #johnlocktrauma

[throwaway-yandere]

Solitary here,

Just read my matchup and it really does seem like a thing for me to get rejected because of my hearing disability😞 Wait, I can finally go back to my keyboard emojis now that I'm about to reveal myself XD

At the beginning of the matchup, I actually had to take a step back from reading because it felt like you were in my mind. It seems you've somehow you've gotten to know the 'real' me (or whoever that's supposed to be)

I still wonder why turning on anon made it easier for me to talk about vulnerability and such, (really sorry for those 2 personal asks, really didn't mean to make it personal, aaaaahhh,) but in another way, turning anon also made it harder for me to talk to you because I accidentally created yet another way of talking to you (I assure you, it's still me though. I'll just have to stop signing off as Solitary to go back to me? I think?)

So, thank you for the matchup Ansy. Thank you for talking to me and thank you for being an amazing person. I hope once I send this ask I won't fall into the background again. I haven't had this much fun in months (if not years)

-Solitary/leftdestiny-posts/Shiro

(I feel like my real name suits this matchup more but for the sake of you having to recognize me I'll sign off as Shiro XD)

(p.s. you don't know how many times I had to delete a message about my fish when I wasn't anon. If I accidentally slipped up with that you would've known it was me 😂)

(p.p.s. I'm pretty sure if you're about to replace all the actual emojis with my keyboard emojis you would've found out)

(p.p.p.s. I'm so anxious about revealing but I can't hide forever. Especially not after getting a matchup that tells me to not be afraid of rejection. Sorry, rambling again XD)

Ho.... holy sht. Okay this was an emotional rollercoaster of an ask holy sht– wait–

1) I LOVE YOU NO MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS I FRICKING CHERISH, ADORE YOU PLS 😭😭😭 I LOVE YOU UNCONDITIONALLY MY COMRADE

2) phck I based some of those lines on my personal experience as well sht this is making me emotional. If you find that monologue to be familiar then I guess we went through something similar. I'm not going to go around and say "I know the real you" because this is merely a perception of what I have based on your request and asks. Don't also let my fic define who you are. Our identity is not rigid. All those sides you have? They're all you. They're all the "real" you. Just because you act differently when with your friends versus your family doesn't mean your traits have to be mutually exclusive. You can be a very cheerful person to one person and very calm to the other, it doesn't discredit anything if that makes sense. Some people take a life time to grasp who they are, some might never actually find out what describes them just right, and that's okay. Finding yourself is a difficult process, and you don't have to force it.

3) PLEASE NEVER BE SORRY ABOUT THAT. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR OPENING UP. I'd feel so horrible if I didn't know my first tumblr mutual was going through these things while I'm just messing around 😭😭😭😭 please reach out to me whenever you feel down!!! You're my first tumblr friend okay!!! I will hunt you down that's not a promise that's a threa–

4) HUeuaiaiUEISI NO YOU. N O Y O U . *PULLS OUT A MILLION UNO REVERSE CARDS* SHUT UP NO YOU NO YOU'RE AMAZING SHUSH–

Shaiiaia this ask is making me emotional. I had a feeling but I wasn't too sure 😭 i don't know what else to say just. I love you comrade.

[heybaetae]

I got into bts a little over a year ago and now I'm afraid I'm starting to drift away from them but at the same time I don't feel like I'm drifting away? So when I first got into bts I spent a bunch of hours staying up until 3-4am, just watching videos of them, literally doing research on what the hell weverse and vlive was, immediately looking up where I can follow them and get updates fast etc. I binge-watched all of their content (except bangtan bombs and episodes cause that's A LOT 😭 sometimes when the algorithm pops up one older one I watch it but otherwise I will not start from 2013 😭) but I got through pretty much all of their paid content and ever since I first got into them, I've always rewatched vlives because I obviously needed the subtitles, and kept up with all their content. If I didn't immediately have time, then I bookmarked the thing and I watched it later... But ever since July I just can't do that anymore? And I feel like I don't even want to do that... I still listened to all the music they put out, I watched the bangtan bombs and episodes and the lives if I caught them actually being live... But rewatching something I missed because I couldn't watch it immediately when it came out.. Is not something I'm interested in doing anymore? I don't really know how to explain. I'm still on tumblr and twitter and get updates and people obviously post clips from a live or a video so I see a lot of things. I just don't watch the whole video. A few weeks ago I kind of forced myself to catch up on missed lives (I actually haven't watched any vlives with subtitles since July... That last one was the lolla jihope one...) so I watched the shorter ones and I enjoyed them. Like it was really nice to see them talk about something even if it was a few months ago and might not be relevant anymore but I couldn't watch the longer ones... The same goes for the indigo & astronaut promo videos too.. Except for bangtan bombs or episodes I haven't watched any promo content for them. I still have the videos and articles on twitter bookmarked... But I feel like I will never watch them because the further away I get from the date they got released the less interested I will become. And I don't really know why this is happening because I still very much like them and I'm still very much excited for what's about to come. I followed jihope on Paris week, I'm so excited for Tae's show, and hopefully Jimin's album is coming soon!! I'm still excited about these things. I try to blame it on school because I was busy and that's why I barely watched any content but... I had my winter break, I had a whole month to catch up on things but I just didn't 😟 I always felt like I just didn't care about that content that much but then it made me really sad and frustrated because I do care about their content. I do care about what they wanted to say about their albums and etc. but then why couldn't I watch all those videos I bookmarked for later when I actually had the time? 😟

I don't know what to make of this... Is this burn out? Aren't I supposed to feel completely detached from them then? I'm starting my last semester next week before graduation and I'm so scared that this will happen again, that I will have to put the content aside to focus on studying (which is not the problem) and then when I finally have the time a few months later I can watch it but by the time I have the time, I just... won't care (which is the problem)? Because I do want to follow their journey on chapter two, and I do want to see all the content, but I can't immediately watch everything, especially not with classes and work... So I still care. I'm still interested. The problem is... I might only be interested if I can watch something immediately...

Have you ever felt similarly? 😟

babe. i wanna hug you so bad 😭 believe me when i say this: it's OKAY. you're fine. i have been vocal about how bts content can not only be overwhelming, but sometimes even a bit excessive to the point of unnecessary depending on what it is. you genuinely do not have to feel bad that you're missing stuff in real time if you're not in the mood to consume it either right away or after however much time has passed. there's loads of stuff that i missed when it dropped that i still haven't circled back to despite having the free time to do so. just like you, there's lives and promo videos i just haven't really had the energy for. that's just being a normal human in tune with your emotions and mental limits. it has nothing do to with your loyalty to them as a fan or make you any less of one. you aren't obligated to consume every minute of everything they've ever made or read every word they've ever said. there's no rulebook that says you have to be in the constant loop of every piece of information that flows through the internet waves with their names attached to it. furthermore, not every single thing particularly has to be interesting to you. that's 100% normal too. please be easier on yourself here. you're prioritizing the right parts of your life right now. if bts content isn't fitting into it as regularly as it used to, but you're still making an effort to catch up when you can, you don't have anything to worry about. forcing yourself to care about certain things when you're not in the headspace is only going to make you feel guiltier when you have no reason to be. if you don't want to watch or read something, you don't have to. nobody is gonna know! bts won't know! the fandom isn't waiting on you to do it! that sounds harsh, but i don't mean for it to. i know how certain types of fans make it their mission to police how much or how little other army spend their time dedicated to bts and i know that can influence how you feel. people go out of their way to ask why people aren't aware of every move bts makes and try to paint people who have other priorities as careless, but that's not true and it's not fair other fans. personally, i think the route you're currently on and the mindset you're in is much healthier. just do you and consume what actually calls to you in the moment. if it's nothing, that's fine. maybe tomorrow. if you miss stuff, it's not going anywhere. the desire could always come back. if it never does, it's not the end of the world. in the words of bts...so what.

[kessabit]

On Feelings

Another deeply personal post that should be ignored, as it is basically just the best I got for therapy right now.

I do not have a healthy relationship with my emotions. I am manic-depressive; or that is the best way that I can describe the patterns of volatile emotional changes I experience when not medicated. I was never given much training on how to express or interpret or think about my emotions. I was raised and socialized as a white man, in a conservative household. I've seen my father cry once, and that was at his dad's funeral. And even that was silent.

So I didn't have the upbrining to handle things well. Then add to this mess the chemical inability to maintain a mood properly. Thoughts death-spiral at the slightest provocation. Your skin is thin, and you're overly sensitive to people's actions and words.

Even my coping mechanisms aren't that good. Did you notice the change from I to you? I can't stand these emotions being mine, so I try to distance myself. A habit I remember very vividly and deliberately working to enforce in myself at the age of 12. I got it in my head that people liked the quiet, reserved kid who felt and showed no emotion, and would hurt myself if I felt anything while talking to people. Happiness pinched away, anger swallowed down, sadness relegated to the depths of the night where I could pretend I didn't stream hot tears down my face. A stupid decision in hindsight. I doubt I could have made a different one though.

I am, by force of the intertwined systems of private, for-profit insurance and the crushing gears of capitalism, off of my medication right now. Really, I've been off it for months, but the last of my pills ran out last week. They are mood stabilizers. They work, in the technical sense. My mood is stable. But my experience of life is so fucking flattened on them. The irony of living in a self-imposed state of emotionlessness is not lost. I miss feeling joy. I miss being excited. I've spent six years trying to recalibrate what emotions match to what. But it feels like one of those data charts where a percentage on several axes is given, but none of the data points gets above 20%. I can tell someone I'm excited to do something, but it feels like a lie. My heart didn't skip a beat, my mind isn't racing, I don't lose sleep, I don't express or emote anything beyond words.

It might be why I don't have any friends in person. It's easy to fake it with text. Emoticons and emojiis make forcing tone so easy and so convincing. I can't do that in person. It's easy to see through it. Or take everything as sarcasm or seriousness. Because I know now that being the quiet, reserved person is not treated positively by society at large. You're a bitch. You're cold-hearted. You're emotionless. You're a robot. But it's all I have to give. I know it wasn't enough.

I'm afraid of my emotions now. I know it's okay to cry, but I still hate it. I know it's okay to not always be happy, but I resent every day I spend wallowing in despair. I know it's okay to break down, but I can't let myself.

This got away from me a bit. My sinuses are cleared a bit from crying. I wish I weren't so internally crippled the way I am. I wish I could communicate to someone in a healthy manner. I wish I could express my emotions in a positive and safe way. I'm sorry to everyone I will hurt.