#I wanted to rant abt this bc it’s been EATING at me for a while

[stitcherofchaos]

I just realize something that made my blood boil.

You know how a lot of people in the fandom hate how Maglor had mercy on Elrond and Elrond and raised them as his own?

And how they try to twist and pervert that relationship into something abusive, selfish, and/or manipulative?

What if it was Maedhros?

And why do I feel like if it was him, everyone would be at his defense and write fan fictions, draw fanart, and love this family dynamic more than when it was Maglor?

Why does Maglor seem to have the most issues in the Silmarillion fandom, more than Maedhros?

Why do many people try to make Maglor into an even worse person than Maedhros despite what- albeit little- canon lore said about him?

Lastly, why did Tolkien make so many changes and switch so many things about those two in order make their characters consistent? Not to mention actually giving them character arcs…

You know, I’m staring to think that if Maedhros had found Elured and Elurín- and quite possibly raised them- the whole fandoms would’ve equally supported that dynamic.

I’m also guessing by the reason the fandom seems to like and defend Maedhros so much is because he is the ‘hot ginger’ out of the two brothers.

After all, you can project whatever you want out of a ‘blank page’, but you can’t touch the so-called ‘masterpiece’.

I’m not attacking anyone, I don’t want to attack anyone, heck maybe I’m wrong and all of Tolkien’s words are misleading from his true vision. I’m attempting to defend and respect the material that he worked so hard on, and sadly never finished.

Oh and just to be PERFECTLY clear, Maglor is not a good person, neither is Maedhros!

I just want the facts to be made clear. Maglor is a son of Feanor, a fierce killer, who committed 3 kinslayings! That is not the topic I’m discussing.

This is about the guilt, sorrow, and compassion he expressed for two orphaned boys at the end of the last kinsalying.

“For Maglor took pity upon Elrond and Elrond, and he cherished them, as little might be thought, but Maglor’s heart was sick and weary with the burden of the dreadful oath.”

- J R.R. Tolkien

[bbluefllame]

I love your UA Touya so muchhhh!!! If you don’t mind, can you write down UA Touya HC’s!!!🤍🤍

U.A touya hcs !!

note: I was gonna save this till I finish all my other reqs but I decided why the fuck not 😭 also thank u for loving my ua touya!! he's officially my everything‼️ also also!!! this is a sugar spice and everything nice universe<3 everyone's okay here ‼️

- nepo baby I have nothing else to say, you've def went on multiple trips w him and his family (ur basically the 5th child for them). His bday gifts go so hard and he's like "yeah yeah whateverrrr" while blushing if u hug him!!

- he's a super heavy sleeper. Like normal touya is a menace while sleeping, ua touya is double that and it's scary I fear him. Sleepovers always end up with you going to sleep in the guest room cs the mf won't stop moving, kicking, snoring, and talking (and occasionally shouting)😭 instead of js "no I don't do that." he'd go "huh don't remember doing it so it didn't happen. 🤷‍♂️" obviously you don't remember you were sleeping mf.

- he gives his all in training (esp cs he has support gear), training w him is like a full-on battle it's a fucking struggle to hold him down, but also he'd be the best training partner you'd ever have. He would NEVER and I say NEVER take it easy unless you ask him to, if he gives it his all he wants you to give it your all.

- loves SWS and PTV, has been forced into piano by Rei as a child and kind of liked it, he probably likes classical music bcs Enji played it alot as well and it helps him focus while studying. OVERALL incredibly into music and could talk abt it for hours (you probably have listened to him rant abt music for 2 hrs straight before)

- is a failure in the kitchen no questions asked, he asked Fuyumi to teach him how to make soba once, 10 minutes in he starts scratching his head going "uh huhhh got it" (HE DOES NOT GET IT!!!!!)

- loves chemistry and math, don't ask why he just does also he gives off good at drawing without trying?? like he's a natural, all the art teachers adored him!!!!

- Shoto and Touya are so silly tg. Touya rolls his eyes and pouts, shoto copies his big brother even if he doesn't know what he's doing😭😭 Touya does something remotely cool and Shoto's looking up at Touya with sparkles in his eyes like "THATS MY BIG BROTHERRR!!!" while clapping (this is when shoto is a lot younger ofc not when he's 15‼️ he still adores his big brother at 15 tho)

- touya pretends he hates how close you and shoto are but the mf adores it and thinks it's adorable and sweet!!

- natsuo and touya are gossipers. Except Touya has all the dirt and Natsuo gasps while nodding his head, after all of that they RUN to Fuyumi who tells them "At the end of the day, we shouldn't talk about people." while sighing as if she isn't noting it down in her head to run and tell it to her bsf ‼️

- you can't tell me he's not putting his hand on his head whenever he's flirted with and going "WTF DO I DO!!" and if it's you (even if it's joking and through text) he's sitting on his bed giggling at 3 am and then panicking internally before acting nonchalant and texting "ew"

- he does get girls and guys tho, he's too pretty to not have bitches 😭 he just doesn't know what to do with the bitches ‼️‼️

- loves abandoned spots, he forces you to go with him even if ur scared while you're going "bro there's a ghost I'm telling you" he's like "what is it gonna do?? eat you??" While rolling his eyes or sumn😭

- you best believe if he feels sumn though he's running for his life, like he could be on par with Iida bcs of how fucking scared he'd get he's shooting his fire behind him and RUNNING!! in the end it's probably a spider or sumn and he's like "pfff I knew that!!!"

- has some sort of rivalry with Keigo even if he didn't do anything ALSO you showing interest in keigo just makes the hate 10× more intense he tweaks the second he sees you looking at keigo.

- he swears up and down left and right that he hates roblox but he LIESSSS!! you could find him 3 am on dress to impress arguing w kids about emo vs goth cs mfs don't know the difference

- on the topic of roblox, you, shoto, and him probably play it once a week tg (shoto chooses the game 99% of the time)

- whenever he's anxious or sumn he just goes "cool yeah coolcoolcool" cool is the most overused word in his dictionary trust (he just kinda reminds me of jake Peralta in the vocabulary department..)

- makes sure shoto memorizes the lyrics to hot and cold by Katy perry just bcs it's funny to him (it's so stupid), there's a dance number and everything TRUST!!!

- 4 am in the morning, rei has walked in on touya on his knees doing the emo hand move thing while singing with a comb.

- HE TURNS THT SHIT OFF SOOOO FAST WHILE COUGHING AND COVERING HIS FACE

- rant to him all you want, he might not understand but he'd listen ‼️‼️ (the second he hears of any mistreatment he tweaks)

- during the sports festival he's burned keigo's feathers multiple times (cough cough reference)

- sorry everyone but he IS one of those "Oh you like sws? name 5 songs." God forbid he sees a preppy nirvana t-shirt, he'd burn it in the store and run away

- he's actually pretty touchy when he's comfortable, like pinkies wrapped tg or hand around ur shoulder just has to have a hand on you at all times ‼️‼️

- overall awesome bsf, awesome brother, and would be an awesome bf!!

okay I'm done now it's 2 am and i gotta sleep hope u like this anon !!! 😔😔 (soz for making this so long)

[liass-21]

this trailer literally could not have come at a better time bc my benthan obsession has recently crept up again and now it’s like 100x worse

that said, imagine an au where after fallout benji and ethan stop talking. benji is always targeted more bc of his relationship to ethan & ethan realizes that that will never stop no matter what he does & benji’s life will always be in greater danger because of him. he thinks abt rogue nation & london & lane & then lane again & maybe even one more instance where something happens to benji so someone can get to ethan that’s not actually in the movies. & he realizes that the only way to keep benji safe is to distance himself from him. however, at the same time, benji is thinking through these same instances, how he’s always the one captured or used against ethan & thinks it’s because he’s the weak link. he’s not as good of an agent as everyone else & it’s obvious to everyone especially the bad guys.

i cant decide if this is an au where benthan are already dating for a few years (& have already been talking about marriage) & ethan breaks up with benji a few weeks after fallout & gives no explanation & then just stops talking to benji entirely & leaves benji there in the dust wondering what he did wrong. or if it’s where they’re just friends & after fallout ethan just slowly distances himself from benji – he is still polite in the office and acknowledges him & makes small talk, but he stops putting benji on his team during missions, stops talking to and hanging out with him outside of work, stops really being his friend.

but either way, benji eventually puts things together and realizes that ethan had realized the same thing he did after everything that went down – benji isn’t good enough. and ethan’s done dealing with it anymore. benji’s too much of a risk factor, he’s not good enough to be on ethan’s team, not good enough to be his friend/boyfriend, & ethan’s too polite to tell him that but it’s clear he doesn’t want to have anything to do with him anymore.

idk and then somehow sometime later benji confronts him about it, maybe he gets drunk and calls him & ethan goes down to the bar & takes him home & takes care of him (“what’re you doing here?” “you called” “so?”) & then they talk the next morning & ethan comes clean bc he feels terrible & it’s clear that all of this is hurting benji so much more than ethan could ever have imagined. & idk if they would get together then, i think it would take a while for ethan to come to terms with the fact that benji’s life will always be in danger bc of him & is it really better to hurt him this way than the alternative? (& in the case of them dating & ethan flat out dumping him with no warning or explanation, i think it would take a long time for benji to forgive him & get back together). & it’ll take a long time for both of them to heal from everything but at least they’re talking now

and yeah idk i don’t really have an ending & sorry this is slightly incomprehensible, my brain is not working, BUT i had to share bc this is eating me alive

new m:i trailer, benthan obsession reinvigorated, kai in my asks ranting about old men spy yaoi… world is healing 💜

that being said… ur MIND. it would be so angsty but also like so believable idk i can easily see both of them being like ah the only solution is to cut off the ones i love. i need to gnaw on them like a dog chew toy.

i love the idea of it being an ambiguous ending and like? they’re not really happy but at least they don’t hate each other/ignore each other/etc? and it’s slightly hopeful with a bittersweet tang because they both know that ethan will be in danger for the rest of his life because of the job and so benji will be too, but they decide that maybe (just maybe) it’s worth it.

ugh. chewing on them. tom cruise fandom we are so back

[cringelordofchaos]

Common ADHD traits/experiences I've heard of !!

(I was gonna make a post about why I might be neurodivergent but I figured it'd be going a bit too personal. Also this is just easier)

(ADHD is much more nuanced and complex than I may make it appear in this post. A lot of ADHD people don't have a lot of these traits or have traits not mentioned here. For example there are three types of ADHD (inattentive, hyperactive and combined) and most inattentive adhders are not going to be hyperactive lol)

Warning: badly worded (I'm stupid that's my excuse). also I'll go on personal rants as to how some of these may apply to me (whilst I can reasonate with each point listed here I won't go on a rat on all of these)

Physical hyperactivity (inability to sit/stand still (I used to think this meant that people with ADHD were incapable of. Sitting down (while constantly fidgeting or not) for one whole class)(I was an idiot)(I still am)). (Just overall constant , movement (I might have it idk I'm ALWAYS

Excessive talking

Stimming, fidgeting, general and overall repetitive movements (such as flapping hands, pacing, clasping hands together, etc)

Low attention span regarding things that don't garner much interest to you

More likely to be autistic, have anxiety or depression (or generally have other diagnostic conditions)

Ability to Hyperfocus on specific things, at times out of their control

More likely to have a lower Performance in school that most people

Proneness to addiction

Rejection sensitive dysphoria/RSD (really sensitive and afraid to rejection or criticism or disapproval or stuff like that. I'm questioning if I have it and I'm pretty sure I do bc i would have a whole breakdown bc i accidentally had a bad unintentional thought about this cool person I didn't want to hate me)(it's complicated)

Emotional disregulation (easily irritable, excited, stressed, stronger emotions, more likely to lash out, etc)(people with this are usually described to be much more emotional)

restless leg syndrome (except it's permanent lol)

Lower memory spans regarding most things

Forgetting to fulfill basic needs (such as eating, drinking, showering, etc)

Women/AFAB people are more likely to be diagnosed with inattentive ADHD (this of course does not rucking mean afab people can't b hyperactive my god)

Mental hyperactivity (racing/constant/overlapping/repetitive thoughts or stuff like that)

Impulsivity (doing stuff without thinking them fully though or not knowing why)

Sensory issues (sensitivity to sensory output such as noise, brightness, etc)

Easily bored/underwhelmed/understimulated - more likely to want to seek constant dopamine (due to l

Easily overwhelmed (whether itd be due to aforementioned sensory issues, emotional disregulation, rsd or stuff like that)

More likely to be perceived as "childish" (from what I've heard obviously this and many other things listed here don't apply to everyone)

Executive dysfunction (can't do shit at all)(ok it's more complicated than that just Google it up or something)

Having Hyperfixations (things you're DEEPLY invested in for a period of time, it can be a few days, weeks, months, sometimes more than a year, depends rly)(I'm still questioning if I'm neurodivergent but like I'm pretty sure I was in a DEEP hyperfixation mode when it came to sonic for like. A YEAR. like I literally it was literally the only thing on my brain the only thing in my life. and I would get realllytyy excited about learning obscure information about it or infodumping and I would flap my hands bc of how excited and passionate I was Abt it)(man I miss the times when I was so passionate about stuff I liked it was so fun :(( )

Higher/lower levels of empathy (I've seen this moreso been brought up with discussions regarding autism but I've also seen it brought up with ADHD itself too)

Lower levels of dopamine

Impatience

More likely to be a maladaptive daydreamer

Its cause is usually heavily genetic (meaning if your family or a family member has ADHD, you are more likely to have ADHD yourself)

More likely to have insomniac/have general problems with sleep (I'm questioning ADHD. I'm writing this like... Five hours before I'm supposed to wake up for school. Great.)

There is also a higher relevance between ADHD and PTSD

If I missed something important let me know!! Also if you don't know some of he

This post is not meant to be used as a substitute for self nor professional diagnosis, though if you feel like you might have ADHD because of this post I recommend further research and conversations with trusted advisors such as parental figures or therapists/doctors (not me not listening to my own advice)(<- that was me regarding my latter advice)(I'm too scared to tell my parents about it man)(idk why)

Things to note:

ADHD is not just about little elementary school hyperactive white boys !!

There's a lot of things I mightve missed

Not everyone with ADHD has all these traits (obviously)

Some of these traits may be common due to the commonness of ADHD + autism overlap (idk though)

Apparently it's one of the most diagnosed forms of neurodivergence in kids (about 7-10% of kids in the USA are diagnosed with ADHD)(APPARENTLY idk)

There's more but I'm tired right now byeeee

[demisexual-in-distress]

Any *SHNIFFFFF* helluva and/or hazbin headcanons??? o-o

*AHEHEHEHEM* I CAN RANT YES UR SUMMONING MY INNER NERD (LONG) (SORRY THIS HAS BEEN ROTTING IN MY ASK BOX IVE BEEN DOING THIS FOR A WHILE NOW)

pls dont flop i spent way too many hours on this lol only doing 6 (six) from the main casts!!! And, sadly, no, Fizzarolli is not included, though I do love him dearly.

Helluva Headcanons:

Blitz:

frickin loves spirit

(saw this somewhere else not sure where) huge-ass horns scratch up his couch, hence the shitty tears

Makes sure to cherish Loona as much as possible on her bday bc of trauma from his childhood

Wants to be the parent possible to her also due to trauma (daddy issues :\)

Insecure about his scars :(

Lost Verosika because he adopted Loona in a last-ditch effort to save their relationship, but refused to get rid of her when V wasn't a fan

Eats anything and everything Brandon Rogers does (canon??) (such as cheese and hotsauce)

Told Barbie about his crush on Fizz before trying to tell Fizz himself

never grew out of bands he liked as a teen

Undiagnosed learning disabilites (dyslexia? he tries his best)

Poor education

(TW, S.A.) Stolas:

WATCHES EVERY TELENOVELA IN THE GODDAMN BOOK

Also enjoys musicals and constantly sings soundtracks while alone (projecting a bit)

Genuinely wants Via and Loona to hang out; wants some sort of father-daughter bond? with Loona, but isn't sure how to approach her

was verbally, physically, and sexually abused by Stella in their "relationship"

GREY'S ANATOMY

I think we all know this by now... Eyeliner.

Black sheep (canon?)

plays some sort of classical instrument idk (piano?)

PAINTS (happy little trees)

Big fan of Cruel Prince series yk

Big fan of fantasy in general

Nerds abt astronomy to Via

Adelle. No other words.

Wattpad user u can't convince me otherwise

Definitely neurodivergent

Millie:

Dyed Sallie Mae's hair when she transitioned, was a makeshift hairdresser for a little while (till Sal figured out how to do it herself)

Had a lot of pets as a child

Tries to stay in contact with all her siblings. Emphasis on tries.

Used to get homesick A LOT

Homeschooled

Ik it's a common one now, but babysat Loona while Blitz was in prison, leading to her and Moxxie meeting

THIS GURL CAN HANDLE HER DAMN DRINKS ‼️

Best homemade recipes by far

Has and will not hesitate to eat a bug once more

Very organized

Moxxie:

Likes to write

MUSICALS (canon) he loves phantom, les mis, and a gentleman's guide to love and murder (ahahhaem Bryce pinkham)

Has many hyperfixations! AUDHD

Loves kids, but gets overstimulated/overwhelmed when taking care of them

In severe need of validation due to trauma

Cat person

Out on a limb here but likes pottery

Bouncy leg stim yk

Panic! At the Disco led to his bi realization

Violinist just trust me

Loves mice for some odd reason

Gullible? Is that canon?

Can sketch pretty good!

Overwhelmed by loud noises and crowded spaces

Loona:

ACE SPECTRUM!!!!

Watches movies with blitz late at night as a tradition

Taught Blitz makeup tips for when he does his weird drag human disguise thing

follows 666 News on the hotel's strange journey

percussionistcore idk how else to say that

Knows EXACTLY how to deal with a hangover (ty blitz)

Social anxiety (might break this down in a seperate post cuz im in a ranty mood)

Has seen the show daria (or at least the hell version) (yall better kno wut im talking about)

Tries not to spend too much / is gentle with Blitz's bank account

Octavia:

Deep down, a sanrio girl is born

Nightcore bitches u already know

Very polarized when it comes to her relationship with stolas (canon?)

Has attempted to bring Stolas into her world - definitely shares her special interests with him, he tries his best to support

Plays at least ONE classical instrument bc she wanted to make Stolas proud :,) (never said she was good at it)

Very sheltered when it comes to Stolas and Stella's actual relationship toward each other

avid collector of taxidermy and other creepy things

She definitely knows those OG goth dances

Photography!!

Dr Martens do i have to say more

Hazbin Headcanons:

TW for Angel Dust and Niffty's (of all people), S.A. mentions.

Charlie:

YA sapphic romances!!!

Webtoon freak

Pinterest whore

Listens to Katy Perry + Hayley Kiyoko

Sanrio again!! Aggretsuko or Chococat r her favs

Can genuinely help people through tough times

Autism spectrum? a little out on a limb here, but she seems to have a hard time breaking down the psychology of sinning/sinners

Paints Vaggie's nails all the time

Vaggie was so her bi awakening; Seviathan and Vaggie were her only two relationships

CATS!!

LOVES Pixy Stix yk they're just straight up sugar

has a diary lol

ADHD

Vaggie:

feels so indebted to Charlie because of how much she took care of her after Falling

girl in red kind of sapphic

Struggles with self-worth

Definitely best exorcist girl on Adam's team

Lute was searching for a reason to get rid of her

brushes Charlie's hair idk

Candles. I don't know why

OPENS/CLOSES DOORS WITH THOSE HUGE ASS HIPS IDK ITS JUST RIGHT TO ME

Doesn't have the heart to tell Charlie when she's not fully correct on something

Origami

Wakes up at ungodly hours due to nightmares and anxiety, lock checks the hotel ALL THE TIME

honestly, tumblr user, silent reblogs

Alastor (sorry, most deal with his time alive):

Genuinely beginning to care for the hotel-- it scares him.

DADDY ISSUES + MOMMY ISSUES HE'S COLLECTED THEM ALL!!!!

Follow up: traumatic childhood

Mauled by dogs (is this still canon? Was this ever canon? DOES ANYBODY REMEMBER THAT???)

Knows the basics of technology, refuses to acknowledge it

Constantly playing jazz music from his radio in his room

Has a very vivid memory of his past, will not let himself forget it

Needs fucking glasses but that monocle don't do shit

Tea > coffee

Was convinced his asexuality was a flaw after being told so

Held onto Mimzy for the sake of nostalgia and memories of time alive

Insomniac

Nerd for jazz

Spoke some French as a child, though he isn't fluent

Husk's and Angel's get a bit detailed... I'm a slut for characters with such a vast possibility of headcanons

Husk (yeah I realize this won't make as much sense if you don't know all of his lore because of my obsession with him, I'll clarify what's already canon):

BLEEDS INTO ALASTOR, ALSO STRANGELY DETAILED: While alive, Husk played the saxophone professionally (canon). In his afterlife, as an overlord, he had one and continued to play bc us musicians r weird fucks who love to torture ourselves. Alastor knew he could play, and, being a jazz lover, LOVES that aspect of Husk. Just about the only thing he likes about him. Now, at the hotel, while he no longer plays, Alastor still brought his saxophone, which rots in Husk's closet.

Niffty's in his room ALL THE FUCKING TIME, it can't possibly get dirty

Doesn't make a mess to begin with--- husk hasn't personalized his room at all since he arrived, he doesn't know when Alastor will pull him out

Is used to that kind of travel anyways, since he did so much when he was alive (canon!!)

Never was that close to his parents-- they were busy with the (canon->) casino

Is (surprisingly) educated on LGBTQIA+ terms, labels, and knows about the most important landmark events in the community's history, he just prefers not to use labels for himself

Close to Niffty, has had conversations with her in Japanese (canonically speaks it) to prevent Alastor from understanding

Always wanted kids, knew he didn't have a stable enough life to have them and didn't want them to have a repeat of his own parents' absence in his childhood

MIXED RACE!! A bit of everything, I'd like to say

Had glasses when he was alive, where the fuck did they go in the afterlife

ACE SPECTRUM (previous post)!!! Demisexual & demiromantic (can u tell I'm projecting a lil???)

Hates KeeKee

Hates large crowds + loud noises, idk it speaks to me, especially with those big ass ears

I don't fully lean towards him being neurodivergent, though I do believe that Husk likes to have something to do with his hands as a form of stimming, if that makes sense

Alone most of his life

(TW, S.A.) Angel Dust (a lot of when he was alive):

Lived with Molly while alive

Was disowned when he got the courage to come out to his dad, fell out of the mafia and had to make a living for the first time ever

Wanted to be an actor, never got casted (while alive) due to being queer

Valentino romanticized his career, making him believe that he wouldn't always be the actor that he is

Career was also romanticized by the fact that he was finally accepted as gay

Performed in drag at gay bars

Borrowed dresses, makeup, other "feminine" things/accesories from Molly, who had a similar style

Isn't as up-to-date with technology and modern things as he seems to be

Tries to cover up both (slight) italian and New York(er?) accent, fails miserably

Had fish while alive (canonically loves fish lol)

Brother + father didn't attend his funeral

Met Cherri very close to when she arrived in Hell

learns more about media and pop culture from Cherri

Originally was in something like a relationship with Val, but it was more of S.A. than consenting sex after a while. When he began to disagree, this showed more prominently.

I don't have anything for Niffty except for one thing, so trigger warning once more. I believe that Niffty came from an immigrant family from Japan—half white. In the 50s, housewives got a bit stir-crazy from all the work they did, leading to hysteria, anxiety, depression, and other issues. In some situation where leaving the house was necessary, I believe one or multiple guys, possibly older, attempted to sexually assault Niffty. Asian girls, such as myself, that look like that "stereotypical" East Asian, young, small, etc., are fetishized. Niffty must've been little, judging by her form, and she was also an immigrant, and also a WOMAN—seen as lesser. In self-defense, she killed him (or all of them? I'm leaning toward it being multiple), having had enough. She was soon diagnosed with the housewife syndrome and lobotomized, meaning they gave her SEVERE brain damage, hence her twisted mind in the afterlife.

Overall, Niffty is a character that we don't know much about yet. Of course I'll write my own story over that. Playing with fandoms is just what I do. :) While I do genuinely believe the part about her being lobotomized will become canon, the rest is, again, just something that's been brewing in my head for a while. Maybe I'll incorporate it in my own writing, who knows?

I wanna see other headcanons in the reblogs and replies :D If this does well, I always have more!

[saphushia]

DEUCE TRIED TO BEAT ACE WITH A LARGE STICK WHEN THEY MET????????????????

oh my god i get to tell you this i'm so happy. this is going to get long because i just. adore how fucking cringefail deuce is at the start of the novel. the manga is great but it's so important to me how badly this man can fuck up within 10 minutes of meeting a stranger. his ass does NOT know how to keep his foot out of his mouth

going behind a read more bc long and spoiler filled (specifically heavy spoilers (essentially an abridged play-by-play of the first chapter) for Ace's Story book 1 and a little bit of the first chapter of the Episode A manga adaption)

if you don't want spoilers but are curious uhhhh basically deuce got a lil hangry ^-^ thats all ^-^

so, in the manga adaption, deuce pretty immediately warms up to ace, yeah?

yeah. deuce is pretty fuckin easy in the manga. meanwhile, in the novel, when ace immediately asks for help...

(if it's unclear, all first person is referring to deuce, the book is written from his POV)

in fact, deuce manages to fail basically every speech check in the first conversation they have together. i'm not kidding look at how fucking bad he is at this.

my man falls ass first into a rant to a guy he just met and manages to find himself saying 'wow why don't you go cry to your mom and leave me alone to be depressed' to a man who's mom literally died in childbirth. less than 5 minutes after meeting the guy. and the best part? HE KEEPS GOING.

he's gotta stop there, right? surely? surely even a man who's been stranded on an island alone for 3 days can tell when he's got his foot so wedged in his mouth he's practically deepthroating it? NOPE!

at this point, you'd think there's literally nothing worse that he can say. you would be so, so wrong.

MY MAN. MY GUY. i want to hammer in the fact that deuce managed to fuck up a conversation this badly with a man he's literally never met within like, 15 minutes at most. deuce then proceeds to recover from this utter failure at conversation by just. walking away into the woods and proceeding to continue slowly starving to death for several days whilst avoiding ace. he also eats ants on at least one occasion. this isn't really relevant to the hitting ace with a stick thing but it's important to me that you know that. he also despite all of this has this gayass moment

again, not relevant, but important to me that you know he saw ace failing to sail on the worst raft you've ever seen and still called him 'dashing'. now, at this point, deuce has been without food and with only minimal water for days- probably close to a week, though it's a bit ambiguous. and my guy, brilliantly, thinks to himself 'well. ace doesn't look like he's starving to death. what if he has food?' and sneaks behind ace, following him until he sees ace with a huge fruit (the mera mera no mi).

all of this... deuce sneaking up on ace planning to fight him for the fruit, kill him if he needs to, because he's the son of roger... and you know what ace fucking does??? you wanna know what this giant depressed puppy of a man fucking says to a guy who was abt to bash his brains out??

"nice stick!" and deuce just fucking. starts sobbing on the spot out of guilt while they argue both trying to get the other to eat the fruit. they are. so stupid and i love them so much.

so yeah. deuce's first ever interaction with ace is loudly announcing that he'd want to kill himself if he was the son of roger, and his SECOND interaction is him attempting to kill ace with a stick because he's hangry. i love him so much he's so fucking shit.

tldr you're not you when you're hungry and also you should all read the ace novels. because of this and also because ace and deuce get cockblocked on a gay ferris wheel ride by a marine just deciding to jump in the gondola with them and sit there menacingly until ace breaks the door and just jumps out to escape her monologuing abt her traumatic backstory

[sleepy-vix]

journal/braindump 26/3/24

i hope life gets better soon. school is so miserable and weird and i just constantly feel like my physical shape is blurred and i'm but a a faceless entity drifting through the crowded and sweaty halls. when i speak to people it feels like i have to physically force myself to and i'm always so conscious of the fact that i would really love it if i were alone and not speaking to anybody at all.

i don't feel confident in myself and i feel like this year has passed by way too fast and i feel like just attempting to live feels like a bunch of cold sand is piled in my hands, and like sand does, it slips easily through my fingers and all i can do is watch. i feel so stupid and so naive all the damn time

for a while i had believed that everything would be okay, and then for a while after that i believed that i should kill myself. i'm okay now, i still feel very unsettled and it's like i'm not really me but i feel fine enough to function and i feel fine enough to live and wish to keep on living

i wish to keep on living

tomorrow i will wake up early and i will make myself coffee and i will sit down and read (i've had reading block for 2 days- which seems short but its annoying for me bc i really really want to read but i feel too restless and distracted to). i'll try to be nice to myself and protect my peace really hard and go on walks or something

i find that watching youtube videos where people just sit and talk, or rearrange their house and books, is really calming to me. i can't wait to just sit in front of the tv with a cup of matcha and a box of chocolates and just watching people talk, or watch all the movies ive been meaning to watch for sooo long

autumn is rolling around, and i'm infinitely greatful that it is because i always feel so inspired during this season. autumn makes me want to read, it makes me want to watch more films and eat more food and drink warm drinks that make me feel okay inside.

i also hope to pick up journalling again, but i'm not sure if i will because i don't have my own printer for images and idk what to journal but i have recently tried to just draw pictures- ive recently written journal pages on what i want to read, and also an "about me" page, and hand drew pictures. it's nice, but it doesn't give the same effect as full out journalling (with stickers, images, tape, etc... sigh.). i hope i journal more this holiday nonetheless.

i also hope to read without feeling so much pressure. i usually have no problem with reading whatever i want to read, as i like to think of myself as somebody who isnt easily influenced by other people's views (eg. if someone told me i have to read a certain book, i will consider it but i wont read it unless i want to) , but lately i've been thinking of all the books i want to read this holiday (for me i have autumn break in one week- and autumn break lasts for 2 weeks) and as u can imagine, it is very stressful bc ive somehow fallen into the mindset that i must read ALL of those books before next term or else.

fyi the books comprise of

- the complete collection of jane austen

- the complete collection of sherlock holmes

- the poppy war

- the iliad

- hamlet

- the metamorphosis

soo yeah... especially the first two points are stressing me out haha... im starting the poppy war now but im a little nervous bc ppl keep saying that its VERY gory??? and i usually dont care abt such things but lately my nerves and emotions have been such a wreck that i dont trust myself to read it in a calm manner

i'll try to break free of this toxic reader mindset tho! it would be nice if i could talk to people abt books, so it feels like im engaging with my hobby while not actually having to do the hobby, but nobody ik irl will want to talk abt books as i do

MAN i so badly want to rant abt booktok (ok actually i wont expand on this bc its a very sore point for me in the sense that i might get worked up over it and then feel shit afterwards for displaying sm emotion)

anywaysss next topic

ummm i get my maths result back on thursday and im so fucking scared bc i know i messed up bad for a few questions but im not sure if it was enough to drop me down to a b... idk i REALLY REALLY WANT AN A. like istg my whole self esteem for until the next exams roll around is goijg to be based off my maths result.. fuck im so emotionally immature its laughable

ummm also i have literature class tmr and i love lit class but we have to watch fucking "shes the man" and im sorry but i hate that movie so so much (ive never watched it before but we watched half of it last lesson and it was soo annoying). ughh why is my eng teacher making us watch this 😭😭

also my eng teacher is very blunt and therefore very interesting to talk to so ive been wanting to ask him abt books hes read lately but i CANT bc we have to watch thats tupid fucking movie and also he has to mark papers :( but also like hes the only intellectually stimulating person ik irl so what am i meant to do with all of my buzzing book thoughts ughh (rhetorical question. pls dont answer) :(

hmm what else is there to say

oh yeah last night i had a dream tjat i got a B+ for english and that was... it was like a nightmare im not even kidding. it was such a vivid dream too- everybody else got an A meanwhile i got a B+ (very close to an A) and i was just absolutely shocked and i desperately begged my teacher to give me some extra credit work so i can bump it up to an A-... yeah...

oh but also back to me wanting to have a better life- i think i'll take myself to the thrift more and go out with my friend (yes, singular. theres only one friend that i like hanging out with outside of school 💀) atleast once this holiday... thats what teen girls my age do, right??? haha...

also i want to watch ladybird and the perks of being a wallflower and rewatch little women and dead poets society !

i also might reread solitaire but aghh that makes me stressed out abt reading again... fuck. maybe i should just take a break from reading omfg

i cant wait to wake up early tomorrow and drink coffee though! :)

also i will make more spotify playlists (it makes me rlly happy to) and MAYBE even try cooking????????????? man idfk im desperate okay? feeling suicidal is not fun and i dont want to feel like that again this year. i cant afford thay bc im meant to be an academic weapon :( (lol who am i kidding? im more like an academic victim)

also maybe i will just text my friends more in general. it stresses me out and makes me feel icky but the other day, i had a nice and fun and lighthearted texting convo with one of my class friends and it made me realise that i should probably text people more ...

lol

anyways i think thats all? i think ive gotten everything off my chest for now. i liked doing this actually. maybe i'll do it more often idk 💀💀

hope u guys have a good day 🙏 i dont actually expect anyone to read this but if you did, i hope you have a good day TIMES TWO!

no refunds :}

[questbarh8er]

rant tw

hi.

some stuff⭐️writing this nice and long winded bcs personally reading these helps to distract me

i haven’t been properly active on here bcs i’ve disappointed myself so much!!!!!!! wow. i gained like 10 pounds right before prom, and hated myself for it. i can’t help but have specific visions for how i want to look for certain events (like a concert, or field trip), it gives me something additional to look forward to. in my mind, if i look good (sk1nny), ill have much more fun.

so i hated most prom pics, and almost any pic i’ve taken since then. i’m around 146lbs rn. gosh. i’m doing what i can to get back, but i’ve noticed stuff.

it’s very easy to turn on my f4sting app and just not eat for a bunch of hours, but once i turn it off, im back to where i’ve started. i stopped going on tmblr for a while bcs it made me feel kinda anxious/nauseous, but it helps me to curb my appetite.

i’m trying to just limit how many snacks i eat instead of meals, bcs that’s my biggest problem. rn i’m taking meds bcs of an accident i got myself into, and i have to eat food with them to avoid feeling sick.

my system rn (it’ll change bcs im almost out of meds, and there’s no refills):

pre breakfast + pill: 50cal rice cake

breakfast: yogurt + granola ~250cal, or cereal ~250cal, or oatmeal ~350cal

“lunch” (before my shift): an apple

break + pill: rice cake 50cal

this has kinda… worked..? like, for the most part, i do the stuff, but i still keep snacking. i’m so conscious of my eating habits, that i never know if im actually satisfied, so upping my portions doesn’t fully work. it’s like im experimenting with how big and bloated can i make myself before my shift. and then i get home at like 9pm, and stuff my face with bullshit..

the best thing abt my job is that i have to walk around a lot, so i end up generally getting a lot of steps, even if it is slow. that’s good, especially if i go on a walk in the morning and already pass my move goal.

i guess i just feel like im stuck bcs of the faux recovery i kinda went through. before, i was able to eat as little as possible and not think much abt it. id forgotten what it was like to be full/slightly satisfied, bcs i hadn’t really known to begin with.

now that i’ve stuffed my face too much, it’s so hard to cut back on cals when my biggest problem, for my whole life, has always been me prioritizing snacks over meals.

i don’t have motivation to fit the standards of another person, now it’s just gotta be me. i want to have pictures taken of me and not worry about how my body looks. i want less pics of me eating, more of anything fuckin else.

also, before this mega relapse, i was so unaware and uneducated on cals. like i genuinely thought 1k was a lot. now im not even sure how it’s possible to eat less in a day. what’s wrong with me. i’m so sick but i don’t know how to make it worse anymore. gosh.

[imagine-a-life-like-this]

Oh shit, Mae? Honestly kinda loving it.

Sometimes murder is okay, especially when the killer is🥰🥰

Idk if Woo is just acting or suddenly a tolerable non-douchebag…. Prolly the former

Hiii!!! How are you? You eating and/ or feeling good? Hope you’re drinking water! Sending love and support 🫶🏽🫶🏽

Bestieeeeeeee!!!! So a few things

1.) the dance is Friday, i’m freaking outt

2.) we’ve been holding hands a lot(!) and recently i’ve been chilling on his lap, but today i took a lil nap while on his lap and after waking me up for class he said “I couldn’t feel my arm but it was worth it, i’d let it happen again, many times actually” and i just🥰🥹 cause i was scared that i’d add too much weight of sumn and without me even bringing it up i was reassured 😭.

2.5) this one isn’t big just felt like mentioning it. During the last class of the day we sit next to each other and we were holding hands under the table right? Then when i had to write j moved my hand, now i expected him to start writing too but no! he moved his hand onto my thigh and kept it there until i stopped writing (cause then i could hold hus hand again). Its amazing bc im a stage 5 clinger & he reciprocates the clinginess😊

3.) so I have this ring that is soo cute but doesn’t fit any of my fingers, so i put if on a chain. We now share the necklace.. like deadass if i feel like wearing it ill just go take it off of him then give it back later. And its not just the fact that he’s wearing something of mine but also that he likes it, and he looks good in it.

4.)im in marching band yea? So tonight was a v important game (it was against the rival school, we won 47-0) and he came!! Like ik he was coming but still☺️. So once halftime is over meaning band is done with the halftime show i see messages from my dad & aunt….. why were they sitting right behind him 😭 they got along but i was so scared the entire time, not to mention the nerves that were already there from performing in a bigger stadium than im used to

Like im convinced he’s trying to kill me. Cause literally why else would he be this great? Like wdym you like clinginess, you get along with my dad, and you’re keeping your hand on my thigh??? This man must be stopped. Anywho just wanted to do a lil catching up (and ranting abt him bc im sure my other friends are sick n tired of hearing abt him

Is it actually Mae though 🧐 she could kill me and I would thank her regardless 🥵

PLS YOU'RE SO FUNNY 😂

Hi bestie 🥰 I'm doing well ! Drinking water and eating well. I hope you are too. Sending so much love and support your way. It's coming. You can't stop it 💕💕💕

Omg bestie all of this. All of this is so cute. I am obsessed. Like I feel like I was there and watching my best friend find someone good for them and I'm just smiling 🥹 this is so cute and soft and I am so very happy for you !!!

Such a green flag that he gets along with your dad honestly. And that he supports you. Like yes. So much yes. I am seeing a neon sign that says yes !!!

And you can always come here and tell me about everything because I love hearing about this ! I want to know everything. Please tell me everything 😭

But omg bestie my boyfriend has been too cute to me lately. He keeps calling me his princess and his wife and I 🥺 he even did matching profile pictures with me because I asked. He will literally just randomly text me out of the blue "wife I love you" and I swoon every time. This man is the whole ass love of my life I swear.

[itiaskia]

Do you think shnz fight often?

Cont: Do they bicker over a lot of dumb shit like an old couple or do they hardly fight, or do you think it's always onesided where Nazuna doesn't gaf and for Shu it's like the end of the world. What could've been the worst thing they would fight about? Also how does Shu apologize does he not do it, does he take forever, does he eat pus- gets shot

Response:

Oh they absolutely fight. I think the only time it’s one sided would be when they’re 2nd years and Nazuna stops talking, but first year / !! era they’d fight.

In their 1st year I think they’d fight about whatever stupid shit Shu was initiating, like bitching about whatever Nazuna was eating, or trying to design more feminine Valkyrie outfits. Or even like, if Nazuna ever skipped school/practice Shu would get all whiny about that. Shu can go from 0-100 really fast because of how pissy he can get, I think this is startling to Nazuna at first he’d be sitting there like “…?! what the fuck?!” because Shu would be losing his mind over something like, idk, maybe he brought Nazuna some food he cooked and Nazuna wasn’t enthusiastic enough about trying it and that sets him off. Nazuna’s initially arguing with him “I didn’t say I hated it… Stop putting words in my mouth…” but once Shu’s started going on a rant it’s hard to stop him.

!! era Shu doesn’t have control of Nazuna anymore, I think he’d sometimes slip into old habits like trying to order for Nazuna at restaurants or give unecessary commentary on whatever clothes he’s wearing or on his body and Nazuna has teeth now so he’d bite back at him, without fear that Shu would blow up because really what’s the worst he could do? Nazuna’s already seen him at his worst when they argued in the park in song of the garbage dump. I think that kind of puts Shu in his place, gets him ruffled.

I think in ! era Shu doesn’t apologize but instead love bombs a bit like “oh my precious angel, to see you upset plays a sad song on my heart strings, a beauty such as yourself should be complimented with a smile… Is it because I’ve neglected your maintenance? Have I forgotten to wind you up to dance? Please, dance with me, let our songs and movements cheer you up” or something stupid like that where he’s moreso just trying to make Nazuna feel better.

Stupid stuff they’d argue about… -Food (anything Shu finds gross / Nazuna getting Shu to try something new / Shu being pissy abt something being too sugary) -Clothing (Shu commenting on what Nazuna wears) -Mika (self explanatory) -Time zone (Getting annoyed that the other person is sleeping/busy when they’re trying to text) -Nazuna having slept with other people after their breakup -Alcohol (Shu gets whiny when he drinks, bothers Nazuna who’s more of a flirty drunk) -Nazuna’s dorm room (Shu would try to clean it up a bit and suddenly Nazuna can’t find anything because Shu just tucked all the clutter away in seemingly random spots) -Nazuna’s voice (in ! era, if he started shit in !! about it I think Nazuna would knee him in the nuts so Shu has an aversion to that x)) -Nazuna’s hair (Shu wants to cut it and style it himself so badly but Nazuna won’t let him bc he likes it asymmetrical)

//nsfw

!! era I feel like Nazuna has a lot better boundaries with him so if Shu pisses him off he can just ignore him x) and that has Shu knocking on his dorm door like “Nito… Nito…. Nitooo~ I have seen the err in my ways… How cruel I have been… Allow me to gift you the blessing of just how much I care about you” and it’s code for Shu eating him out while Nazuna plays games on his phone xD I feel like he’d also buy him stupid shit, like flowers or something and Nazuna would just sit there like e__e looking at this edible arrangement Shu got him while Leo and Natsume tease him to hell and back about it.

[bullprince]

i dont normally add on to posts but i feel so strongly abt this that im not hiding in the tags for this one. my special interest is cooking and op is right. this idiot is really trying to colonisersplain cultural appropriation. food is absolutely political, food and art are like the foundation of culture because theyre some of the only things displaced people can bring with them, and cooking and art are the most basic human activities. if you look into the past, even to before the evolution of homo sapiens, all humans, all hominids wanted to create things. so when you steal someone's creations and call them your own, you are being inhuman.

there's been a huge argument against plagiarism and ai recently, and its deserved, but if youre kicking off over that you need to recognise it pales in comparison to everything a group of people has created being stolen and labeled as the "culture" of the group committing a genocide against them. gaza is starving. israel is blocking supplies from reaching gaza. they have "protestors" blocking trucks from reaching palestinians, and ive seen the photos, those "protestors" are laughing and smiling about it, having never starved in their lives, while gazans are being forced to eat rotting food and animal feed, and drink poisoned water.

i am white british. and that means i dont really have a culture. what culture the english had was lost long ago. im not going to turn this into a rant about what the english did to the rest of the british isles because this isnt the post to do it. but my lack of a culture means i personally am much more appreciative of the cultures around me. i love living in a university city because there are so many restaurants and grocery shops. as someone whos special interest is cooking, i think that food and the history behind it is one of the best ways to learn about other peoples cultures. ive been trying my best to learn how to make palestinian food, i follow palestinian chefs online, and ive been to local palestinian restaurants. its good. its worth learning to make. these are recipes that predate "israel" and they will exist long after it. this is food that is a symbol of resistance. many of the symbols of palestinian resistance link back to their food: the olive trees, the river and sea where they fished and should still be allowed to fish.

so to say with full confidence that "real "cultural appropriation" is a concept invented to prevent people from wearing or eating things outside of their culture by claiming it falsely "strips identity" from these things." and "its literally just a bullshit excuse invented to justify targeted harassment campaigns against people online" is not only fucking disgusting but proves you are uneducated and have no concern for other peoples culture, a huge part of their identities and souls. op, a palestinian, has quite literally described cultural appropriation, the act of "israel" labeling palestinian food as "israeli", something they have EVERY RIGHT to be enraged by, and yet tumblr user spaps-society has the audacity to tell them nah ur wrong actually bc of MY interpretation of what cultural appropriation is. "israel" wants to take everything palestine has to make it seem like they have always been there. they have not. and it is not their culture. if in the year 2024, witnessing some of the worst atrocities of this century, you cannot fathom the idea of appreciating others cultures and wanting to uplift them and their food, art, fashion, architecture, literature, everything they create, and instead want to go online to pick fights with people who are so obviously in the right over them wanting to defend their culture during an ethnic cleansing, a genocide, you are just a cunt. this concludes my infodump.

I do want to say re:food appropriation, for Palestinians it is a very very very sensitive issue. I don't know a single Palestinian who doesn't react vehemently to calling food "Israeli." One, because you have to recognize that this is within a larger pattern of completely erasing Palestinian identity, and two, because food is an essential core part of culture, where historical, familial instruction should be acknowledged.

I find it incredibly.... insulting to say "well food can be exchanged between cultures and people, so what's the big idea?" and neglect the fact that even within the Levant, there is a diverse array of cooking styles. To call certain dishes "Israeli" especially within the context of how the state of Israel was established, plays into the erasure of Palestinians.

It's often necessary to attribute the food we eat to specific cultures. For example, I, a Palestinian, would never claim ownership over Macarona Bil-Bashamil, or Yalenji, because they're "Arab." That's just not how food culture works. Different cultures, different climates, different environments all contribute to the food we eat and the clothes we wear. Food in itself is political because of how heavily it is tied to a location in which things are grown and raised.

Food is what builds community. Women, young and old, pass this knowledge throughout generations. And ESPECIALLY between peasant families that grow and raise the very flora and fauna we rely on in our dishes. This is a professional sort of knowledge that we celebrate and consider incredibly important. To strip our very food of our identity is not only insulting, but negates the centuries worth of food culture we've established in favor of homogenization. So yes, it IS possible to appropriate food, especially when you do not acknowledge the centuries worth of knowledge shared.

[sunghyunjaes]

wanna talk abt sctir for the first time here heheh

i must say, i read it first on the illegal site and now while waiting for new chapters I've been rereading it on webtoon HAHAHAHAHA the thing is i didnt even know it's on webtoon (bcs it has a different title on the site) so it's pretty rewarding to reread it

and my current obsession with sung hyunjae, gosh the man he is. he's the typical sweetheart looking handsome male character: with his platinum blonde hair, tall and big muscular build, chiseled face and very gentlemanly in his own ways (it's an action fantasy webtoon lol) but idk, something abt him just makes me feel very very attracted to him. and it's not the normal affection(?) that I've felt towards any fictional characters before this. and it's frustrating to know and realise that he's not even a real person that i can be in a romantic relationship with. even if i were to find a person similar to him in some sort of way, they're not the same person that i want. THIS IS SO FRUSTRATING i knew being obsessed and indulging in fictional characters would actually eat me up someday, and the harm is that i can't even have a normal crush on people irl 😭🙏🏻

that's it. that's my rant for today, it'll appear again if i ever felt the need to (that's me before exploding irl)

[lucifersgoodboyinheaven]

Tw: ranty rant abt body dysphoria and mental health

you know…body dysphoria is so weird…like- in all reality I don’t wanna look like a skinny twink gay boy (I am very much a twink gay boy lmao) BUT I wanna look big and strong, like- not dad bod but muscular dad bod if that makes sense…I want to look like I could win a wrestling match with no problem (but not like extremely buldging muscular like some of them) think uhhh…jason mamoa? kinda like that.

So, the fact that I am already a bigger guy, well- that just makes me feel like i’m not too far off from that, just got to build muscle…however i’m short…5’4….and I desperately do not want to look like a bulldog lmao

idk…like- I feel if I had a good workout routine and diet (not necessarily a specific diet, just like- good eating habits and eating things that I can healthy eat for the rest of my life and still get all my nutrients while also supporting my working out and all) that i’d probably have that body by now

I just wanna look big and strong and like I could beat up anyone who dare talk down to me…only to be pinned down and fucked hard…degraded and praised at the same time….

I wanna be big strong scary in the streets and pathetic obedient puppy boy in the sheets…

and that my friends is why I am not comfy showing myself yet 😅 and also why I both hate and love when people call me “cute” lmao

of course being on T would probably help significantly with that…but also unfortunately I can’t seem to hold down a job without getting extremely overwhelmed in like 2 weeks- 3months and ending up quitting bc I didn’t come in because I was in my car sobbing and yelling at myself to go in that I need the money :) (only job I have been able to stay the whole time was spirit halloween and doordash 🫡)

fuckin sucks, but at least I’m able to make a little bit of money, and save up

[smileymoth]

.

No i hate actually how much my dad has shaped me into a person and how i interact with things. I hate that i'm just like him sometimes and i express my feelings in the exact same dysfunctional way sometimes. That i lash out in anger sometimes. That i hate when people do things the "wrong" way. I hate that i had to fear him every weekend when he came home because what if the rooms werent clean enough and he would yell or be mad. I hate that i had to walk around eggshells around him when he was in a bad mood so he wouldnt yell at me, and i hate it more that it still fucks me up to the point that i run away when someone is upset bc im afraid of them. I hate that i would have such horrid anxiety abt him coming home on the weekends or staying at home for longer that i wished he hadn't come in the first place. I hated so much how he would twist my moms words, and read through all her messages and browse through all her history and shit on her and me for how long we both spent on the computer so i learned to delete history to get away with more computer time. I hate how one time he slapped me so hard on the thigh that it left a bruise but he denied it later so i have no fucking clue if it actually happened because hes never been physical w me and my mom but i remember it so vividly. It was 1 time and never again and in 3rd(?) Grade and i still remember it every now and then. I dont like it that i hated being at home because 80% of the time they were fucking arguing with my mom in the kitchen over something HE made up because HE was jealous of my mom or didnt like sth that my mom did bc HE didnt like it. He caused her so much grief and she had to put up with it and i followed suit because i wanted him to like me so i was nasty to my mom to please him. I had to listen to him rant abt mom and just nod along because i didnt know what to say. And then he started getting better and he wasnt so argumentative anymore so me and my mom were like omg hes changing. And then he fucking died. And i had to watch him die at the hospital while repeating to myself he will be fine becwuse hes a big strong man who has never been sick so he MUST survive, all while doing homework for logo class. And i woke up on tje morning of the 28th dec at 5am with the thought that my dad is probably dead. I brushed it off like haha im just anxious and went to sleep again. He died at 4am. I knew, i felt it.

And now i miss him so often because he was just misguided and didnt know how to deal with his emotions properly. But he still hurt me so bad and my mom even more from what shes told me. And i dont hate him at all even though i would be so scared of him id be nauseous and id cry before he came home bc i was so scared he woild be mad at me. i love him so much but i see him in my dreams so often and hes always so mean and rude in them and it sucks because i miss his hugs and i want him to hug me again and make jokes with me till im crying and i want to wake up on a saturday and go to tje kitchen to see him watching a russian youtube video about construction or "тор 10 момент" compilations while he eats his megapacked mayo grill sandwich and then he turns the water to boil so i could have tea. I want my dad to calm me down again because he was the only person who could do it at times. I want to be like hey dad im struggling with schoolwork can i just sit next to you and brainstorm out loud until i come up with something and yiu can help me think. Hey dad look im knitting a sock hahah yeah i know im crazy for that haha yeah. I miss him but i dont miss tjat he was so awful all tje time. Why couldnt he just be normal why did he have to be a controlling little freak who wanted everyone to do just as he wanted it to happen. And now wjenever sth happens i always find a way to connect it to my dad without wanting to. I hate it. I dont want to think of him as much because all my thoughts about him are so confusing and complex because of the person he was and it makes me feel worse and more confused and yet also nothing. Im happy my dad is dead because my mom is in a much happier relationship right now and i no longer fear coming home because What If hes in a Bad Mood and therfor walking too loud will make him yell. And then he will claim he didnt. While he clearly did

[frostbite-the-bat]

goofy ass ms paint werewolf eating a mango as a divider between the rant under this bc i do not wish to be precieved rn but i still wanna rant some thoughts out

random lovely guzma urge to delyeet everythin on myne site bc not only did i make it for petz things back when i was active between petz folks and got some encouragement there and ended up never finishing petz things for it, but i also feel horrible and uncommited for it being hosted and made on weebly and for bein too lazy to yeet my shit over to neocities just cause that shit gives me a headache and instead of getting inspired by people i feel jealous and unwelcome

also been working on my sleep schedule its a bit better now and im like. better in general now..? idk how long i can keep this up but getting up early makes me just. so tired like all day urgh i do not understand how i used to keep myself up when this tired. tired tired. brain empty. hard to do shit for long. defo needs more breaks but i swear to god everything feels like its frying my brain but i got nothin to do indoors. guess i can go draw traditionall but i end up putting such high expectations on myself i just yeah. fuck it up. get stressed. not fun. i need to stop thinking about others bc i keep thinking i put effort into smthn i need to show it off.like if i wasted time here i might as well. no this isnt showable it sucks damn it

even stuff i do draw purely for myself as self indulgent shit i go urhh this aint right

oh and then i try doin a lil excercise so im not like. physically diyng but my god that tires me out like instantly. but its okay, baby steps.

dont know what sort of place i am in mentally. the type id prolly spiral a bit over if it werent nice and 2 pm. wacky stuff. i wanna maybe do some stuff but ugh my brain just. isnt big thoughts when im tired. but honestly when am i not tired. and i am getting art done but i cant get myself to draw all day again ill end up in pain again my hand rn already is being a bit of a bitch

uhhh played pokemon in the morning but i need better pokemon already. i fuck up every raid (raids i need so i can get better mons easier) (and my shiny ralts i want easier)

hmm maybe i need a break from stuff but what kinda break what even is relaxing in my case? and "break from people" is a slippery slope of self isolation i always slip into. bit difficult to figure myself out

also, different thing, but ive been considering this for a good few months now and kinda ignoring it but i read one (1) thing and i m intrigued to do more n more research now but man do not like how moral ocd clicks perfectly with a lot of my most common issues . so i guess thats a thing to consider going into (like research) . if it helps .bc dear god i am Sensitive

but uhmmm yea sleeping better now ig like i went to sleep around ONE. my usual sleep time was 5-6 am a while ago !!!!!!! 1 am has always been my kinda usual time. man and i used to do that even when i had school and i *functioned* with less sleep. how did i do that. uhm. not well i guess

but yeah. things.. arent feeling right and i kinda wanna wipe my brain. also the neocities thing seems to be a part of my issue of (ppl who dont care abt me) r gonna thingk i suck bc i dont do (this that i find difficult) (coding) i will be exploded forever and shunned andhated

uhmmm what else yea last thought i forgot as i was gonna type it and the last thing i am deciding not to share anyway bc Shame so hooray

guy who is eeypy tired

i am just realizing how like tired i am but if i go nap ill make it worse so uhmm cope i guess lmfao at least it keeps me going to sleep at a more regular hour but like srsly brain we got around 8 hours of sleep why are you tired we used to get less and function fine. maybe not as good but we functioned

[notesofarichlycolorednight]

negative rant due to it being 2am under the cut

like i know that hearing abt how celebrities were in their 30s or 40s, or even older before they started doing what they're currently doing is supposed to be inspirational but like them becoming ultra famous is such a astronomically rare thing how am i supposed to relate to that yknow

like i know the moral i'm supposed to take away from it is that i have all a lot of time to figure out where i want to go and what i want to do in my life

but what it doesn't account for is the limitations set on me that i can't control

how do i figure out what i want to do with my life if i have to juggle student loans? living from paycheck to paycheck?

how can i decide to pursue a phd in comparative literature when a phd in most sciences will help me make more money to pay off my student loans

how do i justify starting to a phd in either when with it comes with a massive pay cut? my student loans are frozen, but i have to help my mom pay off the extra loans she took out to help me get thru college and my master's program.

get a phd in comparative literature down the line? you mean when i pay off my student loans 25 years from now? there's nothing wrong with getting a phd when you're older, but the issue i face is i want to at least feel satisfied in my job, which i currently don't. and i can't just quit my job to pursue something that won't help me financially and may, in fact, hurt me more financially later on

i can't emotionally or mentally justify putting off paying my student loans to pursue what i want to pursue bc the thought of paying off my student loans into my 60s makes me want to [redacted]

my mom is going to retire soon and instead of doing what everyone should get to do when they retire, she's going to be stuck paying off loans. and i hate that the best i can do is help her pay them off in increments bc i don't make enough

i hate that my decisions are governed by the student loans looming over my head like a guillotine. it's very difficult to balance finding a job that i enjoy and that fulfills me with making enough money that i have even a chance at paying off my student loans by the time i'm fucking 50. so that i can at least help make my mom's retirement just a tiny bit relaxing for her, even if she can't do what she had hoped to during retirement.

but i'm stagnating and my brain feels like it's on fire. and i need to do something about it. but there are so many things to consider that i can't control. and i feel like i'm caught in an ouroboros nightmare bc it seems like no matter what i do, i end up eating my own tail anyway

i can do what might get me some monetary gains, enough to make paying off student loans not feel like carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders, and possibly be miserable during my phd program bc i may enjoy science but finding a project in science that sparks joy feels next to impossible

or i can pursue what i think i would enjoy more, but it most likely would not get me a pay raise and would end up having me pay student loans into my 60s, possibly longer bc of how predatory they are.

either way i'm miserable, and while that sounds like it would make the decision easier, that misery can very easily lead into [redacted] (which tbh i know i should see a therapist abt but that takes time, which costs money)

i know you can't solve your life at 2am, and i'm not trying to. but this has been weighing on me since the beginning of this yr and it has only grown worse. i feel like i'm running out of time and options.

i want to keep moving forward. i can feel myself stagnating. but every way forward feels like a trap that will only sink me deeper into stagnation, just in a different way. but if i don't move, i'll go crazy.