#also probably why i’m so into force masc

[lucifersgoodboyinheaven]

Tw: ranty rant abt body dysphoria and mental health

you know…body dysphoria is so weird…like- in all reality I don’t wanna look like a skinny twink gay boy (I am very much a twink gay boy lmao) BUT I wanna look big and strong, like- not dad bod but muscular dad bod if that makes sense…I want to look like I could win a wrestling match with no problem (but not like extremely buldging muscular like some of them) think uhhh…jason mamoa? kinda like that.

So, the fact that I am already a bigger guy, well- that just makes me feel like i’m not too far off from that, just got to build muscle…however i’m short…5’4….and I desperately do not want to look like a bulldog lmao

idk…like- I feel if I had a good workout routine and diet (not necessarily a specific diet, just like- good eating habits and eating things that I can healthy eat for the rest of my life and still get all my nutrients while also supporting my working out and all) that i’d probably have that body by now

I just wanna look big and strong and like I could beat up anyone who dare talk down to me…only to be pinned down and fucked hard…degraded and praised at the same time….

I wanna be big strong scary in the streets and pathetic obedient puppy boy in the sheets…

and that my friends is why I am not comfy showing myself yet 😅 and also why I both hate and love when people call me “cute” lmao

of course being on T would probably help significantly with that…but also unfortunately I can’t seem to hold down a job without getting extremely overwhelmed in like 2 weeks- 3months and ending up quitting bc I didn’t come in because I was in my car sobbing and yelling at myself to go in that I need the money :) (only job I have been able to stay the whole time was spirit halloween and doordash 🫡)

fuckin sucks, but at least I’m able to make a little bit of money, and save up

[blueberryismilk18]

Heyyy, I just found your writing and I love it so much 😭

I just wanted to ask for bistro huddy (idk if I spelled it right 😭) headcanons with a s/o that has anger issues. Like whenever they serve a rude costumer they can hardly contain themselves from smacking them with the turkey sandwich they ordered 😭😭. You could do whatever characters you like. You don’t have to take my request if you don’t want to btw. I don’t wanna force anything. Anyways, I hope you have a great day/night! Bye bye!!! ☺️

Heyy, I really enjoyed this one:3 sorry I’ve been gone for a while I had a very bad writing burn out. I’m gonna try and get as many done today as I can so expect more later! Hope you enjoy (none of my head canons are ever proof read so if there is a spelling mistake lmk)

Ruby, Terry, Joey, and Pickles with a S/O with anger issues

ℜ𝔲𝔟𝔶 (fem reader)

💋 She definitely has anger issues too but she can keep it under wraps.

💋 Will shit talk about the Customer(s) bothering you

💋She would probably go into the freezer with you to scream about the entire kitchen staff while you scream about the customers

💋 If you ever actually flip out at a customer she would lowkey be proud, or like in awe. I don’t think she’d encourage it but also she kinda would…

💋 “I didn’t think you had that in you, kind of stupid though. I mean It was kinda hot.”

💋 There’s a reason the chefs aren’t servers…

𝕋𝕖𝕣𝕣𝕪 (Masc reader)

👔 Lets you sit in his office(? Does he even have one… I’m assuming yall) to cool off and take a breather

👔 While your there he will tell you about how he understands it’s easy to get frustrated

👔 Trust me, this man understands. He goes through it almost every day.

👔 “I tell ya love, I know. I got Tim always calling my ass for things that, I tell ya, are just plain stupid!”

👔 Lets you talk about it and will probably crack a few jokes with you to help you feel better

👔 You flip out at a customer, you best believe this man it’s taking your side. What are they gonna do, tell the manager?!

ᴊᴏᴇʏ

🍨LOSES HIS TEMPER TOO! 

🍨 NOBODY is gonna treat his prince/princess like that?!

🍨 He flips out at the customer for you.

🍨 Another man who understands how idiotic people can be (despite being kinda dumb himself.)

🍨 “What the fuck are these people doing! If they gotta problem direct them to me sweetheart! Cause they could have a sandwich alright, a fucking knuckle sandwich!”

🍨 if you flip out, he would literally praise you for it, men’s glad you finally stuck up for yourself

𝙿𝚒𝚌𝚔𝚕𝚎𝚜

🍭 I don’t think he really understands why your upset when you come to the back 

🍭 Once you explain he would get mad too! 

🍭 How could you let them talk to you like that?! 

🍭 “Let me at him!”

🍭 offers you candy to make you feel better, will give you a few hugs to help you cool off

🍭 Will take you outside to the back for a bit to breathe while he says some (stupid) sweet things to make you laugh

🍭 If it keeps happening with the same person maybe he’ll get riled up enough to confront them, probably will chicken out last second

🍭 If he finds out you flipped out, he hyped you up after, even after getting yelled at by Terry

🍭 “You did so amazing! That’ll teach them!”

[batbeato]

I have two questions born from your post regarding Masc-Beatrice.

1) Would Sayo have been dressed in clothes made for Lion then, same-style as Masc Beatrice - or would they still wear the same dress that had belonged to their mother, Kuwadorian Beatrice, when meeting Kinzo post-epitaph?

Thinking on it at first, considering the epitaph was written in homage to both versions of Beatrice (I think?), and Kinzo wanting to see her smile again, I feel like Sayo would be dressed therefore as a woman - which kind of would maybe tie into being pressured to present as a woman. A “revival” of sorts, just like in the epitaph - the fulfillment of Kinzo’s wishes and resolving of his regrets - which coincides with the magical lore viewpoint of Beatrice being able to manifest a different form for Kinzo, pertaining to his (their) whims.

On the other hand, Sayo was heavily implied to be born as Kinzo’s son who he literally thought was dead, killed in the exact same way his mother had died no less - which could again facilitate the concept of resurrection (and probably really screw Sayo over, considering they were raised as a girl and woman, going down the route of canon).

There’s probably some (or a lot) of symbolism there to think over, the difference between being brought to Kinzo presenting as either Beatrice, the woman - both lover and child through the grandchild - or Lion, the young man who was lost, and doesn’t view themselves as Lion, indelibly imprinted by the concept of Beatrice nonetheless, the motifs used that could have mirrored Beatrice (Kuwadorian’s) style of dress and how and why it differs - but I feel like I’m talking myself in circles considering it.

2) I’m now curious if you have any ideas of Fem! Battler and how her dynamic would change compared to Canon Battler, with any version of Beatrice.

For 1: On the one hand, the idea of Sayo being resurrected as Lion for Kinzo is appealing. It ties together both this Beatrice's masculinity as well as their origin as Lion, and leads to some complex things for Sayo and how 'Lion' and 'Beatrice' tie together. But on the other, Sayo being made to dress as Beatrice further reflects Sayo's coercive sex assignment and how Beatrice is made to conform to Kinzo's wishes, regardless of who/what Beatrice actually wants to be. I think I prefer the latter, at least for a masc-Beatrice that focuses on the intersex-analogous trauma of their sex assignment as well as on how Sayo's life has been shaped by what others want them to be.

As for 2: Oh dear.

I don't think masc-Beatrice would be constantly making misogynistic comments, but just consider how fem-Beatrice acts with regards to Shannon's femininity. It comes from a place of deep hurt and a trauma-based understanding of femininity and womanhood and patriarchy. It slips in here and there in casual conversation, and then during emotional high points, it comes out in full force.

I do think that any version of Battler would probably be willing to sling insults around and banter/bicker, so she wouldn't let Beato get her down ordinarily, but during those points where Beato is crushing Battler's spirits, his words might slip in and actually affect Battler.

Also I still like the idea of fem-Battler being a knight/prince, even to masc-Beatrice. I think she'd still be very headstrong and stubborn and not willing to let bullshit get her down. Their dynamic kind of does the inverse of canon-beabato's, where instead of going from a very femdom dynamic to a more equal one / Battler being the 'Territory Lord', they start out with a very maledom dynamic and move to a more equal one / fem-Battler being the 'Territory Lord'.

With fem-Battler and fem-Beatrice, I do think that Beatrice might still make misogynistic comments but less so compared to masc-Beatrice. I don't think as much is different in broad narrative strokes except that this Battler also has to have a bi awakening while she's at it with the riddle-solving.

[unlicensedmortician]

bad movies with j&j: divergent part two electric boogaloo.

- they have multiple personality traits. which means they are the worst people ever.

- i can’t even go “this is such obvious propaganda how is anyone falling for it” bc ive been on twitter recently

- oh girl that haircut is really bad

- that haircut is “this is the first time i’m asking for a masc haircut and the hairdresser my mom took me to just goes with fuckass pixie cut” bad

- “only a divergent can open this box” be so fucking for real. what are you talking about. it’s a magic box? that only a divergent can open? because they’re so special? because they’re acoustic? what are you saying

- hey . what? “i need to kill jeanine” didn’t a large chunk of the plot of the last movie revolve around how tris doesn’t want to kill people. what’s happening

- “tris you can’t just go around killing people”

- caleb. shut up

- “hey how do these people know you? why are they looking for you?” “:)” hey king that’s not? an answer?

- this man’s mother looks like. 28. he looks older than her. what the fuck

- she and tris look the same age?

- four looks like he’s 36. he looks like he has a mortgage. he looks like he doesn’t pay child support. his mother looks 29 at MOST

- THE ACTRESS WAS IN HER FORTIES IN THIS MOVIE?? GIRL WHAT IS UR SKINCARE ROUTINE!!

- tris rocking up in a forever 21 ass outfit

- hey caleb are you wearing a white tshirt a denim flannel and a suit jacket made by carhartt?

- ah yes the ya dystopian female lead uniform: extremely fitted utility vest with 25% of ur back exposed and nothing underneath

- christina girl what was she supposed to do

- “i’ve been assuming all divergents are the same” and you’re supposed to be the smartest bitch alive?

- oh i wonder who could be the most specialist special one of them all

- “sometimes i think i see lights out beyond the wall” wow that’s crazy girl

- jester said she runs like a sim and they’re right oh my god

- i can’t tell if i keep zoning out or if this movie just makes no sense

- this fucking guy again?

- summary execution. average good guy behavior

- wow she’s 100% divergent? she’s who they’ve been looking for? that’s fucking crazy. who could have seen this coming.

- oh shit girl you fucking kilt him

- is this nonbinary representation

- girl how did you get a full beat and a blowout in this economy

- can’t get over how much jeanine looks like a pastors wife

- yeah ok that was a pretty effective way to send a message. also, what the fuck

- i feel like. this whole divergent problem could be solved if you just didn’t mention that they exist and let them pick a faction and stick to it. like they would probably just do that.

- please don’t make me watch them bone on screen i can’t do it

- oh yep she’s turning herself in. thought so

- i feel like most people would be pretty willing to try to stop innocent people from being forced to kill themselves no matter what their dominant personality trait is but ok

- peter is kinda serving cunt tho

- “it’s ok u can kill him if you want we have plenty of guards” “… WHAT” ok. that was funny

- damn they acupunctured her

- i love watching actors do a muscle up that engages absolutely none of their muscles

- unfortunately i just think these trial sims are kinda dumb as hell and i don’t really care that much

- standing in the shower really normally tris

- this movie is almost completely relying on tris being a pretty skinny blonde white girl in order for you to care about what’s happening

- this is giving me a migraine

- tris you look really stupid unfortunately

- hello?? is she fucking dead??? there’s a whole other movie with her in it ??

- also like. what the fuck is in the box

- imagine if it’s just like. a piece of paper that says “i fucked ur mom”

- ok slay go off peter. i guess. sure.

- he’s the realest bitch here

- tris vs tris with an even worse haircut somehow

- honestly couldn’t tell you what happened in that last simulation

- plot twist! the entire base concept of this worldbuilding is fake and made up and contrived!

- so she’s the savior of humanity? with that haircut?

- yeah that’s p average dictator behavior

- do you guys think the milf is gonna end up being the new dictator

- and there’s a whole other movie after this ¿? this sort of feels like. the conclusion.

- she’s soooooo special. oh my god. what ever

- oh fours mom shot jeanine. ok

final thoughts: hm? huh? what? this has to be one of the stupidest things i’ve ever seen. sorry to everyone who was really into this in 2014 i will not be changing my opinion. how do i get @ghostcasket back for showing this to me i genuinely can’t think of anything

[dontjinxx]

so you asked for team star questions or something. i want to know your opinions and/or headcanons on Eri

My opinion on Eri is that she’s wildly underrated and she’s baby to me !! ok here’s some hcs

I definitely hc her as autistic with social anxiety . I think she just has that vibe mostly lol as a person with both . I think she thrives around people who understand her, don’t judge her, and she’s comfortable around . otherwise she tends to be awkward around people .

She seems to be a sensitive soul despite it all and from what I saw in the game, blames herself for things going wrong . She puts a lot of pressure on herself to be the protector of the group, to be a good star boss, to battle well, to support her friends . I think she’s a little socially awkward outside of her friends and can either come off as distant/aggressive or ‘strange’ . she isn’t an aggressive at all - she’s actually very gentle, she just has a big love for her friends and a big desire to protect people. She protects people to the point where she doesn’t take care of herself (I’m pretty sure this is mentioned in canon) but she pushes herself way too hard and is hard on herself for so much as taking a break . I think the bullying she endured likely took a hit on her confidence and also put the fear in her that if she didn’t protect people, they’d be hurt.

I think Eri definitely had protective instincts her entire life, but the bullying she went through really made her close ranks around her loved ones. I think that really amplified her need to keep people safe at the cost of herself . Being picked on made her feel worthless and like she wasn’t worthy of being protected or even being taken care of, so instead she puts her all into make sure everyone else is ok . I think she has this overarching anxiety that if she rests for even a moment, someone she loves will get hurt, if that happens, she saddles herself with the blame. She asks herself why she wasn’t there or why she didn’t do more, but in the end, sometimes people just get hurt .

Also I hc she has several siblings and that’s another place her protective instinct comes from . she has eldest sister energy to me .

also I hc her as the second youngest member of team star after ortega (she’s still significantly older than him) only because it’s goofy and I genuinely like it . I def see why people would hc as one of if not the oldest, but I also kinda see her as this girl who’s younger than she looks who forced herself to grow up .

after the events of the game I like to think she begins entering wrestling competitions and Star cheers for her the loudest .

I think she’s a little non-binary . She’s a girl but in a very loose sense I think . she doesn’t mind pronouns too much she just prefers feminine or androgynous ones . I don’t think she likes masc pronouns/terms . Probably a demigirl .

[snaillock]

(Related to what you said in this post)

I AGREE. Honestly, for me personally I don't really know how to write gendered stuff. I can only write gn!reader and that's kinda it besides my occasional fem!lesbian!reader (but that's always for self-indulgent funsies and I feel like even those could be read as gn if it wasn't for the fact that reader is a lesbian)

Of course people are allowed to and should write gendered stuff if that's what they feel comfortable with and enjoy, but the "gn!reader but..." or "reader is fem coded" (and then it's obviously fem!reader) ARE SO....HUH??????????? I see that and think "just say it's fem!reader............" Notice how that doesn't happen with male!reader?🤨 Because fem!reader is the standard in fics.

And don't even get me started on untagged fics where in the middle of it reader is fem out of nowhere. Imo, if there's no reader's gender tagged it should be gn!reader by standard and then not randomly give reader a gender.

Idk if it's weird for me as a fem alligned person to "complain" about this but I don't really feel any connection to my gender and one of my friends is masc so we talk about this sometimes. I have many thoughts on this😔

Anyways. I hope you'll never receive a fem!reader request. May your anons always read your request rules

ONGGG this is why you’re one of my favorite mutuals

i remember when people constantly requested fem reader fics from you and thinking “you are so damn patient. i could never.” i applaud you so much for that cause i would’ve been so angry and probably wouldve done those all those requests as male readers purely out of spite.

well to be honest, spite is the reason why this blog even exists.

idk why but gender neutral writing comes so easily to me. maybe it’s because i jumped around the gender spectrum a bit but i can easily tell what feels feminine and masculine. and even though i used to identify as a woman for many years all while being a fanfic reader, i don’t think i can even attempt fem!reader stuff LMAO.

i don’t even get how so many people screw up gender neutral tagging so much like we need to hold a mandatory seminar for fic writers to teach them what gender neutral actually means. i really wish more people tagged their “gender neutral” fics like, “afab!reader that uses gender neutral pronouns” or anything like that. i just want them to quit saying gn reader when they don’t mean gender neutral overall.

it’s even worse when they add x male reader to the tags so i’m kinda forced to see it anyway. i don’t even do that on my legitimate gn writing. i only put any gender neutral tag that fits; none of that extra “x female reader, x male reader” tagging shit for a little bit more clout because doing that just makes tag filtering a lot more inconvenient for others.

also the untagged fem reader fics made me so distrusting of any untagged fic because i either assume it’s gender neutral and get so invested in the story only to get smacked upside the head with extreme feminine terms and/or pronouns OR i’m always slightly uneasy when i read them because now i expect them to secretly be fem!reader all the time.

being perceived as anything but a man is one of my biggest dysphoria triggers so reading fanfics for comfort is such a double edged sword.

also it’s not weird at all for you to complain about this because honestly the more, the merrier. i need a lot more people talking about this constantly.

i never gotten a fem reader request before, so if i did now then that would be pretty fucking funny. that would mean someone saw my account and essentially thought “you know what this dude’s blog needs? a good ol female reader fic. time to skip reading his rules and go straight into the ask box”

anyways to wrap this long ass rant up, gender neutral should really be the default here. i really don’t see why it’s not.

[intimacyequalsdeath]

I’m pretty insecure about the way my smile looks so I often cover it when I do smile. I was wondering if you could do head cannons for the Sinclair brothers with a masc reader who covers his smile. Sorry if that’s confusing

Sorry for being so late with these headcannons anon but here you go!

Bo Sinclair:

@ The first time you did it, he would be very confused, "What in the hell are you covering your smile for darlin'" (bo totally calls his S/o darlin' no matter who they are)

@ If you were hesitant to tell him at first he would force it out of you but he would definitely try and ever so slightly pry.

@ Whenever Bo does find out why you cover your smile, He's angry, Not at you but at himself for letting you feel that way about yourself and not telling you how handsome he thinks you are.

@ Even though Bo would die if anyone saw his softer side, he's definitely going to try and make it up to you so you know just how he feels about you.

@ Bo totally doesn't get advice on how to be a softer boyfriend from Vincent... Totally not.

Vincent Sinclair:

~ The first time you cover your smile in front of Vinnie, He's hurt. He of all people know what it's like to be self conscious of the way you look so though he understands, he's very upset his own muse feels the same way he does.

~He also would be lying if he said he wasn't hurt you didn't tell him, As I just stated Vincent before anyone knows what it's like to be self conscious,

~If Bo so much as even breathed at you wrong about it Vinnie would jump into action. Vincent loves his brother but he's not going to stand for his asshole remarks against his partner.

~ Will encourage you to talk to him about your feelings, Where our resident silent but deadly babe can't promise great conversation he can promise to lend an ear with no judgment attached.

~ Expect to start seeing drawings and sketches of you around his workshop, If all else fails and he can't somehow convince you your gorgeous, He'll do his damdest to show you.

Lester Sinclair:

= Lester (Bless his heart) Doesn't notice at first, It's not that he doesn't pay attention to you, he does, It's just that he probably wouldn't take you covering your smile as anything bad. If anything he thinks it's him.

= If he notices you start to do it, he'll ask you about it, it takes a lot of courage though, as by this point his mind is full force telling him that it's something wrong with him and half expects to get broken up with.

= When you explain to him what's wrong, he's happy he didn't get dumped but still a bit confused, If our trash baby doesn't fully understand why please explain it to him best you can, He's trying his best.

= Even if after all the explaining he doesn't fully understand, He will still try his best to help you out, Expect to get whisked into the cab of his truck on his roadkill runs and talking to him for as long as you want about it

= Lester may not be the smartest when it comes to social ques and things like that, But if there is anything he is sure of, it's that he loves you to death and thinks you are the most handsome person he's ever met.

[spooki-ghoztzz]

I have such respect for u i swear us william kinnies be kinda underground😒 anYwAY im back with another oddly specific rq idea, my lovely accomplice: will with a fem s/o that is very "traditionally masc" in how she acts and dresses and has a shit ton of piercings, smokes like a mf and feels as if she has to take the dominant role in any situation including relationships and just cannot mf chill so someone has to like snap her out of it and tell her that vulnerability isnt the end of the world and uhh yeah will might not be the best at that BUt- (where all my control freak girlies @? 🤤)

Btw i absolutely loved ur goth s/o hcs for will i be sittin here with my 10 inch long sharp eyeliner kicking my feet n gigglin n shi😈😈😈

Okay i have to agree with William kinnies just being undergound- kinda sucks but I will drag half u fuckers by the neck like a cat- /pos. also I really thought u were talking about me in this request anon- (and yes i got ur other ask,also hehe- the goth s/o one was just me slapping myself down and writing-)

William is..confused to say the least with you. And he thought he was strange-

Please,if you two are already together DON’T smoke around him or he will fucking wack that shit out of your hand and just say “smoke that shite outside! i’m nasty but not that nasty ye twat!”

If it’s one of those times where you’re tryna be the dominant one he will fight back- not really this mans will gaslight you and everything to JUST make you stop or scream at you saying that being vulnerable isn’t gonna kill you or something-

Tbh he doesn’t care about the piercing part- (considering i headcannoned him do to his own septum piercing and his own tongue piercing which just harmed his fucking tongue-) plus he’d also let you borrow some of his if you want any plain ones or just straight up creepy ass ones-

You two probably fight a lot but it ends up in you two understanding you two really are just dominant in relationships and situations. You two talk it out <3  

I bet you sometimes grab him by his suit/shirt and just lift him up to show if you’re serious. Congrats you gave him a fear of heights and being thrown!

He takes your clothes. I don’t make the rules <3 It’s really only flannels or button ups. He doesn’t care if they barley fit him he’s gonna wear them around the house- Ask him where he got it he’d just shrug and go back to what he’s doing.

Lowkey bet that he tries to ask you why you act the way you do,he seems like a heartless man but hey..he only gives zero shits about his kids- /j..or not

If you don’t wanna talk about him he won’t force it! He’d rather not make you uncomfortable around him cause damn he knows you’d throw him into a wall.

[gaysimpsstuff]

Hawks Getting Y/n Pregnant After A Rut

This was a request but I can’t find the ask where it was requested, but it certainly was requested.

Genre: fluff

Type: headcannon/drabble

Word Count: 1.7K Words

Warnings: pregnancy, mentions of sex, mentions of rut, children, vomiting, Keigo being a bit of an asshole, doctors, mentions of sensory overload, mentions of blood, crying, reader calls Kei ‘daddy’ as a joke once,

Other: I did my best to keep it gender neutral, so there aren’t any gendered pronouns used for the reader, so they could be non binary or trans masc. Also, I do plan on never getting pregnant and have never been pregnant before so I really have no experience and no qualifications to be writing on this subject so let’s just see how this turns out.

Fluff Taglist: @smolchildfangirl @combat-wombatus @mandalorian-baby-bird @waffleareniceandfluffy @catcherisvibin @thesubtlewhore @popcatx0

“Kei.”

“Nope.”

“Kei.”

“I said no.”

“I said yes.”

“Well too damn bad. I’m not carrying you.”

“It’s your damn fault I can’t walk, you fucked me for five days straight this time around, I literally can’t feel my legs. You will carry me.”

“Except it isn’t my fault I have ruts, I’m not in control.”

“It was your dick fucking me, Kei. No one else’s, so it’s your fault.”

This was a normal occurrence in the springtime, right after Keigo’s ruts. The small fight over your capabilities. 

“You can walk to the bathroom yourself.” Keigo was in bed next to you, arms crossed. “It’s literally been a whole ass week.”

“You fucked me for five days!” you exclaimed. “Do you really expect me to be up and running the same amount of time after that?”

“Yes!” Keigo exclaimed. “It’s not like I hurt you or anything, you barely did anything the whole time, you’re fine!” 

You leaned across the bed to glare him in the eyes, examining his slitted pupils for any sign that he might back down. You found none.

“Ughhhh fiiiiiine I’ll walk.” you groaned, throwing the blankets aside and standing up. Your legs were still sore, but you could maneuver them well enough. “Asshole.” you grumbled

“Oh yes, I’m the asshole.” he smirked, sitting back. You rolled your eyes, pausing for a moment to hold onto the edge of the bed.

“Something doesn’t feel right...” you muttered. 

“Seriously, Y/n? I said I wasn’t carrying you so-”

“No, Kei I’m not joking, I feel sick.” 

“I’m sure you’re just hungry.” Keigo waved you off, seemingly uncaring about your situation. You shot him another glare that he totally missed. Suddenly, you felt something move up in your body, and you launched yourself into the bathroom to crouch over the toilet. 

“Babe?” Keigo sat up in bed, trying to peek into the bathroom. He blanched when he heard you gasp, and then a loud splat noise. He was on his feet in an instant, crouching next to you as you wiped your mouth with toilet paper. 

“I fuckin told you...” you grumbled, and he rubbed your back worriedly.

“Boy who cried wolf!” he exclaimed “I’m sorry, baby, are you okay?”

“Do I look okay?” you snapped, and he frowned. “I’m sorry, no, I’m not okay- hold up- more’s coming-”

You threw up the next day too. 

And the day after that. 

One the fourth day, Keigo was panicking, insisting he take you to the doctors.  

-

“I keep telling him I’m fine, I probably just caught a stomach bug or something.” you shrugged, sitting on the uncomfortable table bed thingie inside the doctor’s office. Keigo was in the chair behind you, holding your hand.

Not for your comfort, but for his.

He hated the sterile smell of the doctors, hated the smooth white walls with charts hanging from them, too bright lights stabbing at his eyes, and the smooth way the doctors spoke was all too similar to his handlers from the commission.

You wanted to get the visit over with and get Keigo out of here before he went into sensory overload, you knew just how much he hated hospitals and doctors, and while it was sweet that he would force himself to go through it for you, you didn’t want him to.

“I keep telling them they’re not fine,” Keigo grumbled. “Look at them, they don’t look fine and I keep telling them something’s wrong but-”

“Please don’t start to fight in my office,” the doctor sighed, she glanced between you and Keigo. “I understand Hawks goes through ‘ruts’ as you would call them in the springtime, and during that time he is much more fertile than usual. Have the two of you just finished one of those ruts?” 

“Yes,” you answered quickly. “It lasted five days this time.” Keigo nodded.

“DO you think maybe I got them sick?” Kei worried, squeezing your hand tighter.

“Keigo have you ever heard of someone getting sick after sex and not- oh oh, Doctor are you implying-”

“Yes, I am, you should probably get tested for it. We can do a blood test, they’re more accurate.”

“Thank you, Ma’am.” 

“I’ll send you to the Hematologist,” 

“The what?” 

“Blood doctor, Keigo. I need a blood test.”

“So I did get you sick!”

“Oh my god Keigo, no, just- we’ll see what happens.”

“Is it normal that I’m confused?” 

“Unfortunately, it’s very normal.”

-

Keigo continued to be confused and worried for the next few days, at least until you got an email. 

“Why’s this one so important?” Keigo pouted. “And why can’t I read it with you?”

“It’s the result of the blood test.” you explained, clicking on the email and scrolling past the formalities to get to the result

“So basically it’s the result of whether my cum is toxic or not...” Keigo was laying on the bed near your feet while you were sat up on your laptop.

“Your cum isn’t toxic, Kei.” you chuckled, reading through the email. “I would have gotten ‘sick’ much sooner if your cum was toxic.”

“How do you know my cum didn’t just- suddenly become toxic?” he exclaimed

“Keigo. Stop. Your cum is not toxic.” you sighed, finally reaching the results.

Your lips lifted up and you started to practically buzz with excitement. You cupped your hands over your mouth and squealed. Keigo lifted his head up, staring at you in confusion.

“Babe? What happened?” His wings twitched as you shut the laptop, setting it aside and flinging yourself at him. Your arms squeezing his midsection tight. “Ah shit- Y/n what’s going on? Why are you so happy?” He sat up, pulling you into his lap. “I’m not against you smiling and cuddling me but I am still very much confused.”

“Keigo, I’m pregnant!” you squealed, holding onto his shoulders, your face was stretched wide in a bright smile “We’re gonna have a baby!”

“Wait- what?” His face immediatelty lifted 

“Yes! We’re gonna have a kid!”

“Holy shit, really?” He hands flew to your stomach “My kid is in there?” He sucked his bottom lip into his mouth to keep it from quivering, his hands were shaking against your stomach.

“Yes, Keigo. You’re gonna be a dad!” He let out a warbled sort of chirp, pressing his face into your neck. His breath fanned out over your skin, and you could feel moisture against it. 

“I’m so happy!” he whispered, voice wavering slightly “Fuck I’m so happy with you, I- I’m gonna be a good dad for our little chick.” his hand rubbed circles against your belly. You traced your hand up to rub Keigo’s back.

“They’re lucky to have someone like you to be their dad, Kei. I love you, and I know you’ll raise our child right.” His grip in you tightened

“I- I can’t I’m just- fuck words can’t describe it, I-” He  pulled away from your neck and pressed his lips against yours, you closed your eyes and kisses back, enjoying his passion. It was like however close you could be wasn’t close enough, and he needed to just be with you.

You broke the kiss a few minutes later, pulling away to cup his face. His golden eyes were full of tears, and his smile was the brightest it had ever been. 

“I love you...” he whispered. “And I already love our kid.” You stroked his cheek with your finger, speechless. You kisses his nose, giggling a little.

“We’re gonna be a family,” you told him

“I can’t wait!” 

-

After that, Keigo just couldn’t keep his hands off you, especially your belly, even while it was small, he just couldn’t keep himself from holding your belly and talking to the baby.

“Goodnight, Y/n~” Keigo pressed a kiss to your cheek, a hand rubbing circles onto your growing belly. “And goodnight Akina!” 

“Keigo, we don’t know if it’s gonna be a girl, so don’t name it just yet!” you chuckled.

“But Akina’s just perfect, if it’s a girl then she’d be a lovely spring flower” he cooed, scooching down to your belly.

“Keigo, I’d be concerned if our baby was born in the springtime, that’s way late!”

“Well she was conceived in springtime!” Keigo exclaimed, pressing his cheek to your belly “Weren’t you, Akina? My beautiful daughter~” 

“You don’t know if it’s your daughter or your son yet, Kei! Seriously!” you laughed at the way he spoke to your belly, running your hands through his golden tresses. 

“Well if it’s a boy, what do you think his name should be?” he asked

“I was thinking Hajime, I mean this is a whole new beginning for both of us.”

“Hajime...” Keigo breathed, pressing a kiss to your belly. “My darling child, my Hajime, my Akina, my perfect child I already love you~” 

You buried your face in your hands, giggling, Keigo was just too precious sometimes, you couldn’t wait to have his and your child.

“Oh! Keigo I felt something!” you exclaimed, Keigo sat up, pressing his hand against your belly. 

“Was it a-”

“Yes! They’re kicking!” you placed your hand over Keigo’s, moving it so he could feel the small bursts of pressure. You heard him suck in a breath, vibrating with happiness.

“They’re so strong!” he was beaming with pride, feeling his child kick up against his hand. “I’m going to keep them so safe, they won’t cry like I have, like you have, they’ll know true happiness.” 

“We’ll protect them, and when our little birdie is ready, then one day they can fly away...”

“But we’ll always be there when they need us.” Keigo pressed himself against you, kissing your neck “We’ll all be so happy!”

“Keigo, that tickles!”

“I still can’t believe it, that little chick will call me ‘dad!’” 

“What, is me calling you ‘daddy’ not enough?” you joked and he laughed, pressing one more kiss to your skin before rolling onto his stomach and resting his head on your shoulder

“I love you Y/n, I love you Akina, Hajime,” he murmured, you settled into the blankets next to him, letting him cover your body with one of his wings as you absentmindedly wrapped an arm around his body.

“I love you too, Keigo. And you, my child.” 

Oh my gosh

I wanna do a part two

But like- angsty?

Idfk this is just v fun-

It’s either gonna be fluffy Hajime/Akina being born and living life to the fullest

A miscarriage

Or maybe the reader dies and Keigo has to raise the child alone- which could very well result in Keigo abusing the child- AHHH SO MANY POSSIBILITIESS

[rwbybutincorrect]

I have some suggestions for your RWBY pokemon AU

I think Absol makes more sense as a pokemon either for Ruby, or, what I think is more fitting, for Qrow. Absol in the pokemon world is considered a harbinger of disaster because of its ability to sense oncoming calamities, and Qrow considers himself a bad luck charm and his weapon is called Harbinger, so I can imagine it being like, his signature pokemon, and maybe Ruby, wanting to emulate her Uncle, catches one for herself.

I also think Ruby and Yang's starters make more sense swapped around, Blaziken fits more with Yang (a hot headed fighting type) rather than Incineroar (a Dark type meant to emulate Heels in wrestling I.e the bad guys). Incineroar also fits better with Ruby's v1-v3 colours, though I also don't think a fire starter would fit Ruby, I think Sceptile fits more, as it's a fast pokemon that uses its leaves on its arms as blades, which I think fits Ruby better.

I'd also pick Rosarade over Florges but that's just my purrsonal preference.

Now for Weiss, my only suggestion  would be changing Corvinkight with something else, and I'm thinking Glaceon. I love the idea that Weiss as a child finds an injured Eevee in the large family garden and secretly takes care of it, but her father finds out and forces her to take it back to the wilds, but while out there it saves Weiss from several Beowolves and in the artic climate evolves into a Glaceon which Weiss then adopts.

Blake, id replace Absol with Greninja for aesthetic, but otherwise I would change Gallade's past, Ralts' only show themselves to trainers with strong positive emotions, so I can't see Adam ever having one, but I like the idea of maybe Blake and Yang being helped during the forest exam at Beacon by two Ralts/Kirlia's who they then take (Yang saying its the sign of their new partnership), and otherwise I would change Gallade for Gardevoir for Blake and have Gallade be Yang's pokemon, since it's a pokemon with strong morals and I feel fit Yang better.

Now for Yang, and other than the previous suggestions of Blaziken and Gallade as hers, I would replace Tyrantrum with Hitmontop, storywise I'd say that, when she's recovering post Beacon and on her way back from visiting Summer's grave, she encounters a Tyrouge rushing headfirst into fighting a stronger pokemon and getting seriously hurt, so Yang saves it and takes it home to recover. Despite all its injuries it still insists on training, Tai seeing this starts encouraging Yang to train with it, hoping it'll help her out. As both Yang and the Tyrouge bond and train, learning not to rush headfirst into battles and to adopt a more balanced fighting style, it evolves into Hitmontop to symbolise Yang's recovering and training.

And thats just RWBY, I have plenty of suggestions for JNPR, Sun, Ilia, Adam, Salem's forces, STQR, the Ace-Ops, Happy Huntresses and Neo~

--------

submitted by @ladydevoir thank you :EYES:

[for reference, this is about this post]

treating this like an ask because i assume that's why you submitted it, because of the text limit but :EYESY:EYES:EYES

my choice of absol for blake is because i knew about the lore implications of absol and thought it would be a tragic detail if an absol appeared before her trying to protect her from the travesties she's repetitively had to face. i might give one to qrow anyway because I'm not afraid of duplicates!!! i didn't think about any supporting adult pokemon teams quite yet!

i will be honest, the blaziken choice for ruby was mostly self indulgent :3 i love chickens and blaziken's aesthetic. notable moments in the anime stuck with me, like during xy's series when there was a vigilante "blaziken man" protecting luminous city - that's a big reason why i chose it for her, that kind of over the top kind of heroism i thought worked. as opposed to incenroar who fights dirty. early in rwby, yang is a very backhanded and not exactly noble kind of hero. just look at the "yellow" trailer, fucking shit up for self motivated reasons (good for her.) i thought it fit her! --- but i can absolutely see what you're saying with sceptile, that is another favorite of mine and i'd love to see her with a sceptile that could mega evolve!

roserade, yeah i can see that fitting too! i forget it exists sometimes- my bad - and i like the grass type a little bit more to some extent than the fairy type because ruby has less of an association to the balance of nature~ that fairies do

i like the glaceon idea a lot too!!! the concepts of potential and direct reflection of her cold home - not to mention it's my second favorite eeveelution :D corviknight, yeah, it's my weakest link and i wanted to add it purely on the basis i'd like the snow queen to have her knight - but i think a glaceon would be much cuter, considering she already has plenty of stand ins for her glyphs!

I'm also interested about the greninja for the aesthetic! I'm not all that attached to the kalos starters so i tend to forget about them a lot more, i leaned on the "dark" type for blake but definitely didn't consider the. actual ninja pokemon. but i also tried to hold off on giving her a proper starter because in this little hc concept of mine, starters come specifically from pre-huntsmen schools (like signal in yang and ruby's case). i liked having the narrative of some students being "othered" by lacking starters - a visual tool when displaying their teams that they didn't have the opportunity to start where others did. not to say greninja couldn't have been a wild encounter or something else - fun to think about and really fits!

i DID not know about the kirlia lore though, i thought it was pretty weak when i was coming up with it and that is so interesting to know. i enjoy the idea of a pokemon switching allegiances from adam to protect blake but with this new information, I'll probably rewrite it in a way where the bee duo's ralts evos are more exclusive to them :3 i do like your idea of switching them, though, i tried to switch them to divert expectations, right (yang being a bit more masc than yang yet having a gardevoir, blake having the more showmanshy evo) but i might switch them. or i can just say the pokemon are practically shared and will switch up who they're paired with by their own choice. gf things <333

the hitmontop concept is really interesting for yang! it really does fit her - and i never paid attention to the line because, i will be honest, it never aesthetically pleased me, but narratively it works super well. i liked tyrantrum because i loved giving yang dragons and i also thought if she restored a tyrunt herself, it would be a nice indication of yang's genuine intelligence and wisdom. i don't like people boiling her down to a bimbo, haha funny stupid lesbian, but i feel like people also fail to recognize her genuine technical and social intelligence that she's portrayed throughout the series. then again, a hitmontop could show that emotional and protective instinct and intelligence she carries. it's sweet!! I'm torn!!!

AAAAANYWAY LONG STORY SHORT thank you so much for your opinions!!! i love the feedback and second opinion. i did a little bit of brainstorming with few friends in our discord server and its nice to hear an unrelated voice's takes!

feel free to send us more ideas if you'd like!!! :D as of right now I'm working on (the original) jnrp's post, and have penny, oscar, roman, neo, emerald, mercury, and cinder's teams planned! (I'm not sure how to section them off atm so their posts are coming later!) I'm curious to hear your ideas for when i get around to these other characters

[vimbry]

You have been prompted hit us with those ideas :)

so shockingly, it’s a yotsubato au idea. I hope that’s what was expected haha but um. I've just been thinking about mr yousuke koiwai actually being trans. and by extension the one who had yotsuba. :)

I’m being super indulgent here in that he is someeewhere on the non-binary spectrum. teetering on masc; presenting as masc, refers to himself in a masculine way for convenience because you know, explaining that identity to people is hard and potentially troublesome. it doesn’t really bother him, so long as it’s not his agab.

he’s stealth, of course. moving away to the suburbs with new people made this a hell of a lot easier. apart from with his immeadiate family, naturally. and jumbo, he’s aware too, cause they were friends from being little and it’d be pretty unavoidable. yanda isn’t; koiwai was already presenting as male by the time they met and it just never comes up. he prob never even makes much of an effort to have it be a secret around him, he’s just cis, naive, and oblivous lmao but he’s a good guy really.

the reason the name yousuke took so long to crop up in the series is because he spent a very long time choosing it. he’s not really encountered anyone in the past 5 months of the manga’s timeline who ever needs to know/use his given name, anyway. even his bestie settled on referring to him by his family name until he felt comfortable with one and now it’s sorta stuck.

despite his family’s general acceptance and support of koiwai, they don’t actually know that he’s yotsuba’s bio parent. they highly Suspected it, but they didn’t pry, and he wouldn’t tell, so they eventually pushed it out of mind as families will do with things and it became irrelevant. she was an adorable big hit with everyone when they eventually came back home anyway, so that was more the focus! altho I do like the idea of jumbo being the exception, how there’s some things you could tell your closest loyal friend but not your family. it might’ve just slipped out between them.

jumbo got caught off guard when ena asked him about yotsuba’s mother and came up with “oh she was uhhh abandoned. she doesn’t have one” on the spot, and koiwai just rolled with that when fuuka later asked about it. look he even stalls a sec while trying to think something up. :)

“(internally panicking and buffering) hahaha yea an orphan right jumbo’s such a jokester haha - it’s true tho”

as for her real origins, it’s as boring and simple as you’d expect from a character frequently described as casually irresponsible lmao. (nah I’ll cut him some slack. sometimes things can’t be avoided/you’re on T and think it’s an impossibility, easily done). you've had a lot of heavy projects to deal with, you find a local lgbt friendly hotspot to wind down in, you end up meeting someone, it happens all the time. so he got stuck somewhere overseas in some apartment "””working away””” a little longer than anticipated.

his age was confirmed in an interview with the creator as “very early 30s”, so this would put him in his mid-to-late 20s when yotsuba’s born. still a bit in flux with his identity, this definitely not helping. took a few years to get everything together and return to japan.

we all know the experience of navigating gender can sure be, difficult. koiwai’s still a relatively young guy, and like most people, is taking things each day at a time. so I’m also just gonna go ahead and use this au to overexplain the basic style-shifting in-universe as hormone treatment microdosing/trying out different ways to present as the months progress aha. I mean, he looks SO drastically different. I know a few of them do but man! that is 2 different guys.

(also why he has that little bit of stubble there in chapter 7 and never again. unfortunately discovered that he’s apparently very good at growing a beard. didn’t like it, not for him. shaving is one of the few things he will force himself to do often. thanks azuma for deciding to draw him unshaven once and then likely deciding it was too tedious to replicate in future chapters so I can take this n run with it).

yotsuba’s also unaware that she’s Not adopted because she’s 5 and would tell everyone lol. also koiwai’s built up these nerves and reluctance around sharing it. it’s one of his reasons for harshly reinforcing how she shouldn’t lie. he’s projecting in keeping an especially large one up around her himself, and he also wants to raise her to feel she can always be honest with him about anything. she’s probably told one day as she gets older anyway. I think it’d be cute if they ended up looking super alike. 🥺

anyway yes thank you that is my thoughts !

[bisluthq]

I'm mad at TTB and those blogs for what they do to kids like my sister.

My sister is 15 right now, and she just came out to me as gay last year (I'm straight) but is still closeted to everyone else including our parents. And a bit later, she told me stuff about how she thinks Taylor Swift is gay and engaged to Karlie Kloss and all, and my first thought was "That doesn't really sound believable", but then I thought, well her thinking that is harmless, right? So I was like "Really, can you tell me more?", and she told me a bunch of stuff

And then I looked into it out of curiosity and now I actually do think that Taylor is bisexual because there's a lot of weird stuff that wouldn't really make sense otherwise

But the thing is, when Karlie announced her pregnancy, she was so upset. Like genuinely extremely upset because that's when she was forced to accept that Kaylor must have broken up

And now, I've even more worried about her because she's not in a great place mentally right now, being closeted is taking a huge toll on her, and she's really heavily invested in this idea of Taylor being a lesbian. Specifically a lesbian because she told me she's always felt like a freak for not liking men at all, and that she always feels pressured to try to see if she can somehow be bisexual instead, and all of this kind of stuff

And she even told me that Taylor's music is the only thing keeping her mentally together right now

I'm just scared that Taylor is going to announce an engagement soon and then my sister will be devastated

And this wouldn't even be a problem in the first place if it wasn't for straight TTB adamantly insisting to closeted teenage lesbians that Taylor's a lesbian too! Because they then get really attached to the idea

Whereas, if she'd just been more realistic and responsible in the first place and said, "I personally think Taylor's a lesbian, but she might be bisexual", so many young closeted lesbians like my sister wouldn't be so hurt when Toe possibly does turn out to be real

Like I'm just mad and I wish she would think about these things before promising kids that something she doesn't know for sure is a fact. My sister is genuinely gonna have some kind of emotional breakdown if Toe get engaged. Her mental health is really not great right now from being closeted, and this is one of her only comforts at the moment, that her favorite singer is a lesbian too, so it's ok that she doesn't like men because neither does Taylor Swift. It just makes me so sad, TTB is the worst. I'm trying to figure out some way to prepare my sis for it, so it's not so shocking to her like K's pregnancy was :(

FFS THIS MAKES ME SO UPSET and like this is what I mean about how although this woman is very funny to me personally - and she really fucking is, like I find her hilarious - she has a net negative on the (internet) world around her. It BREAKS MY HEART that people are selling LIES and that those lies are hurting actual marginalized children.

Like Taylor is very possibly bi (or a baity bitch or just dense as a rock idk) but she’s also probably never gonna come out tbh and she’s very likely going to marry Joe and they’re gonna have little Swiftwyn bébés. And like that’s okay, that’s life - she never implied to ANYONE EVER that she is a gold star lesbian. If anything we are reading into stuff to pick up that she’s some kind of queer and the ONLY FLAG COLORS SHE USES - like for real that she uses not that one short shot from Rep tour - are bi pride colors. And she does so over and over again, which is why either baiting or moronic and obsessed with one color scheme or fluid. It’s people on the internet who decided that she’s a gold star dyke and... 

That is HARMFUL to children like your sister. 

I think the first thing you need to do is try get her to read more balanced blogs. I’d send her to @swiftgron-get-married and @mercuryonparklane because they’re both Kinsey 6 lesbians and they’re both blogging about Gaylor in a way that centers women whereas I don’t always (also they’re both a fair amount more PG man like I know kids read me but if they found me they found me, it’s the internet and better me than some other sources lbr). Tell her that you’ve been following this and you believe her, and you like it too and you’d like to share some new blog ideas for her. 

The second thing you need to try do is get her to consume more music by OUT queer - and particularly lesbian - women. Suggestions include: Hayley Kiyoko obviously, Carlie Hanson (Taylor has promoted her before), Janelle Monáe (pan but quite genderfluid/often masc presenting and never really publicly dates men), Tegan and Sara, the xx, St Vincent, PVRIS, MUNA, It Was Romance, Screaming Females, Lower Dens, Austra, Kehlani, Kera and the Lesbians, No Girlfriends, and Beatrice Eli. Girl in red is out bi and has a lot of wlw songs but she’s weirdly lesbophobic idk what the vibe there is. 

And Miley and Demi!! Like if she likes Tay she is likely to resonate with Demi and while Demi is fluid, she has publicly dated women so it should be comforting to some degree.

But most of the people I’ve listed are out lesbians.

I’m sending so much love to you and your sister. You’re being a fabulous sister and an excellent ally (whether she’ll admit it now or not it’s gonna mean SO MUCH to her that you have been making an active effort to learn about queer stuff and have been deadass reading my gay ass blog for ideas). It is definitely going to be hard for her. But she has someone who loves her unconditionally and who will be there for her.

Keep us updated on how it’s going... Like I say, I’d start by suggesting new artists and new blogs to read and engaging with her on these theories in a nonconfrontational and supportive way.

[kirencer]

febuary seventh (i’m seeing you)

Y/n and Spencer's relationship collide around a single day: the one where they first looked into each others eyes.

[Or, the all of the secret love letters they wrote during the beginning of their relationship]

Word count: (part one and two) 9.2k

Relationship: Spencer Reid x GN! Reader

Warnings: Language, dub-con (pool kiss scene is depicted as something that made Spencer uncomfy), vulgar language, allusion to Spencer for a moment being horny

Rating: Gen audiences

A/N: All of these letters are rewrites of ones I got from someone, as well as rewrites of ones I gave them. Reader is GN and AFAB but a trans masc reader was more in mind (the French bits)

Part One

Y/n L/n— Jan 15 (2008) 11:31

Not sure if you'll ever read this but, je suis amoureux de toi. I love you, so much. It’s almost maddening

Sometimes, I just sit at my desk, thinking about you, thinking about us. You've stolen my heart and made a home in my mind. I love the idea of our future and I can't wait for it. I want to share everything with you; a last name; a home; a bed; a family; everything (except a toothbrush, that's a bit too close, sorry!)

Y/n L/n— Jan 15 (2008) 11:55

I can't wait to touch you, to hug you, kiss you, run my hands through your hair or wrap my arms around your hips and hold you close to me.

I can't wait to wake up next to you, to dance with you, to just be with you. I want to spend the rest of forever with you. I want to listen to your voice, to hear you talk about nothing in specific, just speaking so I hear your beautiful voice. Even if I’ve never heard it, I know it’s beautiful.

I can't wait to grow old with you. I hope the last thing I see before nothingness is you, your perfect face.

Y/n L/n— Jan 26 (2008) 22:22

This feels awkward to admit.

I usually consider myself smart, or at least good with words but with you in the picture, all English escapes me; with just a thought of you, I can barely manage a sentence, you get me so flustered I can't even think properly.

Though I'd be a damn liar if I said I didn't like the way you make me feel.

Y/n L/n— Feb 7, (2008) 04:10

Y/n L/n, I want you to be my forever, I love you more than anything (even reading and that says a lot).

I'm not feeling great right now which makes it hard to think of the words I'm trying to say but that won't really stop me.

You're the vowels to my consonants, you may not feel like a lot but you're so fucking important. I want to wake up next to you, your pretty face - have I mentioned I love your face? - holding each other, our bodies tangled together and someday having to break apart to check on our children.

I want to just exist with you, I don't care what happens as long as I'm with you. I want to dance around our kitchen at midnight, in only underwear just because, it won't matter, it's our lives and we're together. I want to just talk to you, maybe sitting on a roof at two in the morning, staring at the sky and not caring that it's out of reach because the only thing I want to touch is the person next to me.

Y/n, you are my tomorrow and I can't wait for you to be my today.

Y/n L/n— Feb 7, (2008) 11:20

I saw you smile today, like for real, in person. It was the most beautiful sight I've ever experienced. It made me feel like the most important thing in existence, it was perfect and for that moment, everything was okay, nothing mattered but you.

I didn't think I could love you more than I already did, I wasn't sure it was physically possible, and then I saw you, in person, in the town I've lived since I was 22, in the convention center I'd been so many times before.

With you sitting here the place feels important, this place is special. You're right here, right now and I've never been so happy.

I'm so nervous, but I'm happy, I mean you're here, this is all real, and god you so much more than perfect.

I can tell you really love DnD because the second I walked into the hall, I saw you were smiling.

This is honestly just a room full of nerds but that's cool, everyone's happy to be here, and I’d be the biggest liar if I said I wasn’t a nerd.

Y/n L/n— Feb 7, (2008) 19:50

I spoke to you, it took way too long, longer than I'd like to admit, but I did it.

I hugged you today, I made you smile. I wanted to kiss you, properly. I was too nervous though, I was scared. (Touches are scary enough as just a thought!) I also knew that if I kissed you it'd just make us both even more upset about being apart again. I'm so glad I got to spend almost half of the day with you, it was amazing.

We sang together and I've never felt so comfortable than in those moments, reciting poetry with you was probably the best part of my day aside from you kissing me . We also laughed together a lot and you let me lay on your shoulder, I almost fell asleep twice. It was really nice, just being with you, even though we weren't even close enough to touch each other most of the time.

I can't wait to see you again, I might count the days!

Y/n L/n— Feb 8, (2008) 01:33

I have to admit, when I first caught a glimpse of you, I only saw your hair.

The back of your head from maybe thirty feet away.

I saw your hair, and everything slowed down, I moved forward, I can't remember how fast- that part's a bit of a blur- I got closer and my whole body froze up, maybe I was still a little cold, but I couldn't bring myself to move, kind of glad my scarf covered half of my face. I watched, seeing more and more of you as time passed, just small glimpses of your adorable face, and it felt like every part of my body was on fire.

My heart was racing and I couldn't believe it, this was real, I was real, you were real and we were mere seconds away from each other, finally.

I turned around and walked out - I was overheating in my sweater – and I came back to keep watching you. This was around the time you, I think, actually noticed me, but you weren't the only one. They knew I was looking for you - well, looking at you, really. They asked questions and I gave half-witted, half-baked responses, still watching you then you looked at me, you smiled. My heart stopped and for a moment, I thought you'd killed me, with your stunning looks, obviously. I smiled back when I was finally self aware again, and the next thing I know, I'm sitting two feet away from you, and shaking.

Y/n L/n— Feb 8, (2008) 20:20

I'm starting to think I'm obsessed with you, that I'm addicted to you, anyway. That’s a bit of a problem, I’ve told you about Dilaudid so you understand why.

You asked me to sit with you and your party, I had already decided that I wanted to, and I was going to try to, I had just really wanted to be close to you, I wanted to touch you, you were so close but so fucking far.

I wanted nothing more than for you to steal my first kiss, though I knew I wouldn't mind if you didn't, I'm an impatient person, I'm perfectly okay going your speed, whatever that may be. I will say honestly, it wouldn’t be my first kiss. My true first kiss was in a pool, truly against my will. I’ve erased what I can from that and will regard the first time my lips are on yours as my first kiss.

I didn’t just end up with your party, I was a part of it. I played your character (bee-da), and I used the dice set you gave me. I was excited but I also felt the fatigue setting in. I started shifting closer to you, moving my body closer to yours. I fought to hold in a whine when you'd move in your seat, making it a bit harder for me to do what I was trying to do.

I offered you a hug, it was kind of selfish, I was truly asking more for myself than I'd like to admit. You said yes and I felt the weight on my heart disappear. I hugged you and I felt okay. It's a feeling I'd sacrifice my life to feel again. I laid my head on your shoulder and I felt you shift for me, you made sure I was comfortable, I'm not sure if you even realized you'd done it.

I was only growing more tired as the afternoon continued, I knew why (I hadn't been eating, at all, really) but I wasn't going to tell you. I began to doze off a few times, it was difficult trying to stay awake while feeling more comfortable and safe than ever before.

I just wanted you.

All I want is you

All I've wanted for a while now, is you

I want you so badly. In so many ways.

Y/n L/n— Feb 9, (2008) 08:08

I love you

The words I felt on the tip of my tongue for hours before I actually said them to you. I really wanted to, I wanted to sit next to you, mumble 'I love you' so quietly that it was just for your ears and kiss you, so that everyone saw. I didn't and I'm kind of upset with myself but I didn't want you to be uncomfortable, you'd just said you were so nervous.

I watched you eat, you didn't seem to eat much so I hoped you'd been eating before I got back. I wanted right then as we sat across from each other to announce it, so all of your friends could hear (or at least some), and say 'i love you'. I didn't, I was scared, I was nervous, of making you uncomfortable.

When I sat next to you, I still wanted to say it, I wanted to sing it, to shout it, anything and everything I could to show you just how much I love you. I tried to force the words out, they wouldn't come and for the first time in a while, I was upset with my anxiety. I kept looking at you and glancing at you, hoping it wasn't obvious that I was so upset. I want to smash my head into the table but I knew you'd notice that.

When I finally said 'I love you' the satisfaction was so great, it's indescribable. You said it back and I felt so good, I don't know why it felt so different feeling you say it, right next to me, but it was. I wanted to keep saying it, 'I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you' I didn't, I was scared to annoy you.

I wanted to kiss you, so many times that day, that still perfect day. When I first saw you, part of me wanted to run over and pull you into my arms and kiss you. I didn't, I didn't want to be the one to make a scene. I wanted to call out to you, I wanted to shout, "Y/n!" I wanted you to see me, to hear me, but I chose to wait.

When I was sitting near you, I wanted to turn around and press a kiss to the back of your head, I kept turning around, trying to force myself to do it. I never did. When we were centimeters away from each other, I wanted to press a kiss to your cheek, to your neck, your nose, your lips. I was scared of someone seeing at that point. I was kind of scared of your friends, that's why I didn't talk much.

I wanted to be closer to you, I was already so close, I was touching you for half of the day, but I wanted to be closer, I couldn't help it, I was seeing you in person for the first time, you're even prettier in person, and you smelled so nice and it felt so familiar already even though I had never experienced anything like it.

I wanted you. I still do, I always do, you're just so perfect, how could I not?

Y/n L/n— Feb 9, (2008) 09:47

You pulled my hair, I'd really wanted you to do it again. I– I had to bite my lip or I'd have definitely let out a sound, I honestly wasn't prepared for that and becoming- in front of your friends was not on my agenda, actually.

I can still feel it, the sensation of your hands reaching into my hair to run through it and tugging, I loved that feeling. And I would walk a hundred (and twenty) miles to feel it again, among everything else, I hope you know that.

Y/n L/n— Feb 9, (2008) 11:15

I love you so much it hurts.

I love you so much that it brings me physical pain to think about the fact that I can't touch you, the fact that I can't kiss you, the fact that I can't run my hands through your hair when I can't sleep at night.

It hurts a lot, but I know my patience and my pain will be worthwhile once I can do it. When I can once again see your eyes gleam with a perfect kind of joy, when I can hold you, my arms around you, and yours around me.

I swear to the gods, as soon as I'm able I'm going to see you again, nothing will stop me, I will fight anything standing in my way.

I love you so much it hurts. It's a pain that'll make me stronger. I'm okay with that.

Y/n L/n— Feb 9, (2008) 14:45

This one’s a little different. I’m sorry

When Morgan called me to say we had a case, I got upset, he knew how excited I had been to be able to see you. I wanted to yell at him and I almost did, then I remembered where I was, and who was around me. A bunch of people who didn’t deserve to watch/listen to me have a mental breakdown down on the phone, so instead of arguing, for your sake, I just agreed.

I wanted to run out there and scream at him, but I knew I wasn't thinking. i was letting my emotions take over, so i didn’t. I went back and hugged you, one last time. I wanted to cry because I knew it wouldn’t last long enough. I wanted so badly to stay there and tell my mentor to fuck off, I didn’t. Maybe I should’ve.

When I got back to my city, to my place of work, I just sat at my desk until we left for the airport. I didn’t even change. I’m surprised I didn't start crying. The relief I had felt from seeing you was gone and left behind was a frustration and want that had to have been tangible. I kept writing my next letter to you because it was my only comfort other than the lingering feeling of your presence and the memory of your scent. I ended up falling asleep on the jet, I can't remember when, I was too upset.

I woke up, some part of me expecting to be somewhere else, I just wanted to recover from the nightmare I’d had- I don’t know why it happened but it did and I wanted to cry, it felt disgustingly real. I just wanted someone to comfort me and tell me everything’s okay and that I’m safe. But I don’t have that. I’m sorry, the highlight of my day today has been writing to you and reading what you wrote.

Y/n L/n— Feb 9, (2008) 15:45

I’m so scattered right now, but I think about you and I feel okay. You’re not really just my tomorrow anymore. You are my today and my tomorrow, you have been the entire time, I’m just blind.. You’re my forever, and I love that. I keep getting lost in my thoughts thinking about you, damn, imagine if you were next to me, I couldn't possibly stay on track doing anything, you’re such a distraction. I love you.

Y/n L/n— Feb 10, (2008) 09:10

I have yet to actually tell you this and I feel kind of bad you're finding out this way but it's also the reason why I haven't told you about it.

A few weeks ago, my attacks had gotten worse and I've been fighting nightmares almost nightly.

Friday, I was really fucking nervous, I was partially convinced that you'd hate me when you saw me, you didn't though, that was relieving. I was literally shaking, I was terrified. When you said hi, as awkward as it felt and was, it made me feel less anxious. I felt bad when I left because I didn't want you to think I wasn't coming back.

I was trying really hard to seem like I wasn't about to cry but I was so anxious and I felt like it wasn't working. You didn't ask so I told myself it was fine, eventually, I was alright, it was really calming just being around you, and I liked that a lot.

I love you lots and I really hope I can come to see you on your birthday. If there is a case, I will see you as soon as I can.

Y/n L/n— Feb 10, (2008) 12:12

I had a dream

I'm glad I had it, it was nice.

I remember as I fell asleep I wished for the warmth and comfort of another human, specifically you, because I decided if I had to overheat I wanted it to be because I had my favorite person next to me. I was kinda disappointed in the gods when I woke up and you weren't there though.

I was dreaming that we were together, I've no clue where we were but we were in a bed, cuddling. I have no idea what led up to this moment, but I don't think I need to know. Your arms were around me, your hair was in my face and I could feel you breathing. It was amazing, you were talking to me, I can't remember everything you said, but there were a lot of 'I love you's and it was perfect. It was soft and warm and quiet and peaceful.

I can't wait for it to come true.

Y/n L/n— Feb 11, (2008) 19:22

When I was little, I wanted everything in my life to be big, beautiful and expensive. I wanted the perfect girlfriend (or boyfriend, I didn't care), a huge wedding, and a big family. So much has changed since then.

All I want now, is to be alive and happy with my better half, my soulmate, my perfect match. Whether that means listening to the stomping of small children early on a Saturday morning, being woken up by an impatient animal, or sleeping all day because it's just us, I want that happy, I want that calm, I want that perfect.

I want weird dates and long drives for no reason. I want stupid jokes and petty arguments. I want movie nights and warm cuddles. I want everything-

with you

All of these things are things I can't imagine experiencing with someone that isn't you. Whether it's waking up late and rushing to get ready (so cliche), arguing over what to make for dinner or saying our vows in front of everyone we love, I have to do it with you.

I don't want to imagine a world where we aren't us (regardless of who 'we' are), because that world isn't right, but this one is.

I like us. I like us a lot.

Y/n L/n— Feb 12, (2008) 09:04

My sweater still kinda smells like you. I'm wearing it today and I've just noticed. It's fading even as I type this and I don't think it'll last all day but it's comforting nonetheless. I hadn't touched it since Friday so it's lasted almost a week. I'm secretly so happy your scent has lingered, it's soft and warm and calming. (Like vanilla, you remind me of vanilla) I kinda hope I don't fall asleep at work.

Y/n L/n— Feb 12, (2008) 09:20

My mind is always buzzing– there's always so much happening, sometimes you can see it, in my eyes. There's one thing, only one, that's always on my mind.

You, Y/n L/n, you.

Even if I'm sitting doing work or if I'm reading, you're here and there and somewhere in my mind.

Sometimes you're the only thing I can think about, your soft hair, and eyes that shine so fucking bright; your warm smile and adorable laugh; your beautiful voice and perfect personality.

This is random but when you realized you were shorter than me you seemed so deflated and tried to stand on your tippy-toes and that was just precious. You had this look on your face and the way you laughed, the way your eyes lit up was just perfect.

Morgan says he’s going to New York in a few weeks. I've been asking if I could go with him because if I can't see you on your birthday, I want to at least see you again soon. And I don’t like driving. Or long train rides.

Tu fais battre mon coeur.

Y/n L/n— Feb 12 (2008) 15:30

It's only like two days away so I want to ask

Will you be my valentine?

Y/n L/n— Feb 12 (2008) 17:00

I've said some very bold things in just the past few months we've been together and I think I'm changing my mind about a few things.

I want to be a foster parent, just as much as I want my own children, because everyone deserves love.

I still don't want to try and adopt/foster babies, everyone does that, I want teens, kids who've spent years and the system because they need the most love.

I wanna know how you feel about that idea.

Y/n L/n— Feb 12 (2008) 17:12

I have a few things to say.

I was right, the smell definitely did not last all day, it was gone by lunch. The flannel still reminds me of that smell though, so it's okay.

I really hope you like long rants with no particular point because sometimes I start talking and forget how to stop, especially if I'm comfortable around someone.

I've had casual conversions with my mother about you on a few occasions. She loves you and says I should run up to you this minute and carry you to my apartment. I think I’m going to listen to her.

Y/n L/n— Feb 12, (2008) 18:18

This isn't directly about you but that doesn't really matter, right?

So Morgan.

He keeps calling me straight

And if he does it again.

I will kick him.

Just letting you know in case it happens and Hotch yells at me. I love you!

Y/n L/n— Feb 13 (2008) 02:40

I shouldn't be awake right now but I am. As I sit on my bed, I can't help but think about how, if we were together, in the same bed, you'd probably be awake too by now. You'd be asking me if I was okay, I think, and I tell you the truth because I'm so bad at lying, it isn't even worth the try. You probably comfort me, pulling me into your body, wrapping your arms around me and probably kissing me. Just the thought makes me feel a little better but it's not happening, you know? You're not sitting next to me, you aren't kissing me and whispering, "I'm right here, it's okay." because that isn't true.

I just woke up from a nightmare, I can confidently call this a nightmare for two reasons, so I will. I was kind of panicking when I woke up because I was so fucking scared, I couldn't breathe (in more ways than one) and I was crying. It's disgusting and I'm still upset.

Thinking about you being here vs. not, makes it clear that I need you, so fucking much, I need you, Y/n. I love you, and I need you and I want you. It's making me crazy that I can't even say this to you right now.

Tu es mon soleil.

Y/n L/n— Feb 14, (2008) 04:15

I know, I know, my sleep schedule is terrible, I'm sorry.

Happy Valentine's day, love, I'm so happy to be 'celebrating' with you, you're the best valentine and you're my valentine.

Thank you so much for (almost) five beautiful months, I love you so much and I am so excited for forever together.

Though, right now, more than anything, I want to kiss every single inch on your beautiful body, maybe even kiss them all two or three times.

I love your eyes. They shine as bright as stars.

I love your smile, the smile you had when you first noticed me is my favorite. Your lips, which I also love, part in a perfect kind of way and I love it.

I love your lips, the look of them, when you smile, when you're serious or when you frown; the feeling of them pressed to my skin, with the passion and feeling of your love for me. I love your lips, even if you don't.

I love your nose, it's adorable and I kind of want to kiss it; it's so adorable and I love that, you're so adorable.

I love your skin, the soft burning of it making contact with mine, the feeling when you touch me. I love everything about you, even the parts I don't know yet, I love even the idea of having the privilege of being able to love them.

So on this day of love, Y/n L/n, I love you so, so much, my heart is in your hands, do with it as you please.

Y/n L/n— Feb 14 (2008) 15:40

I like the name Y/n , I can't really explain why but I do. I really like the name Y/n.

I also like children more than I thought I would. I spent an hour at my JJ’s yesterday and my godson, Henry, he makes me think even more about having kids with you.

Y/n L/n— Feb 14 (2008) 15:55

You asked me what type of pretty you are.

You're the best kind of pretty, honestly.

You're the kind of pretty that makes my heart melt.

You're the kind of pretty that makes my chest feel tight (in a good way, of course).

You're the kind of pretty that makes a bad day amazing with just one look.

You're the kind of pretty that just makes the world seem less than terrible.

You're my favorite kind of pretty

Y/n L/n— Feb 14 (2008) 20:33

I should make this quick.

You are literally the most perfect part of my life, the only part of my life I hope never changes. You'd better be my forever because I can't ask for anyone better.

I'm stocking up on so many fucking hugs for you, I can not wait to hug you again, my body craves it.

I have to go now.

Y/n L/n— Feb 20 (2008) 11:25

I haven’t been writing much, but there’s so much I want to say, even though I can’t find the words. This is so difficult. I know so many languages and yet they’re all gone with one thought of you.

Y/n L/n, you have invaded every single part of my mind, I’m more than okay with that.

The problem arises with the fact that I can’t stand not having some type of contact with you. It just feels wrong and I’m overly anxious and paranoid.

Y/n L/n, having you in my life is a gift, and it’s the best gift I've ever gotten tbh.

My mind can’t fully recall the sound of your voice when you said ‘i love you’, or the sensation of your touch (your kisses and hugs, my head on your shoulder) but it’s there, and I hope it stays, long after this moment.

It’s kind of embarrassing to admit but sometimes the reason I keep going is the possibility of you, with me again, no matter how far away that event may be.

Y/n L/n— Feb 21 (2008) 22:25

I hope your polaroid camera starts to work soon because getting pictures from you is my favorite thing ever. Morgan said I should just give you my number, but I enjoy what we have. Our letters are more than enough.

Y/n L/n— Feb 21 (2008) 23:57

It's really late

I may or may not have had a little bit of alcohol.

You're really pretty!!!!!

I may or may not be about to drink more of the maybe alcohol...

Y/n L/n— Feb 22 (2008) 14:40

You sent me a CD. I put it in my player. I see you, you’re reading me The Little Prince because you said I need something to listen to to sleep. It's the best book I've ever heard and hearing you read it makes it so beautiful, every word, it's all perfect coming from your mouth, with your voice from your lips. I could listen for literally forever. Y/n L/n you are my today.

Y/n L/n— Mar 2 (2008) 22:55

I think about our future a lot. Usually it's good, sometimes it isn't. As with all things in life, there are details. Sometimes when I think about our future I'm only focusing on the things I know I want like, you next to me- with a ring on your finger and a smile on your face, or both of us, shopping and planning for a baby, obviously our first based off of how overly cautious we're being.

Anything like that, really.

Sometimes though, I think about what I don't know, like, where are we? what's our home look like? What are our future schedules and routines gonna look like? I know I'm overthinking (I always am) but I truly can't help it, it's something that just happens?

Y/n L/n— Mar 7 (2008) 13:11

I’m upset we haven’t been talking as much but that’s my fault, I knew what kind of commitment being an agent took, so I can’t really complain, I am sorry though. I think about you a lot though, sometimes it’s just ‘I hope Y/n’s okay’ ‘I hope Y/n’s smiling right now’ or something like that. Sometimes I just think about the sound of your voice, the feeling of your presence, or just you in general, you’re always there, always somewhere in my head, on my mind. If I’m not thinking about you, I’m probably not thinking at all.

Y/n L/n— Mar 7 (2008) 18:44

Before you, I had convinced myself that love didn't exist, it wasn't something I'd ever truly felt. I thought fate was bullshit and I hated the idea of soulmates because I believed I'd never find mine. That is, until I saw your face. At that point, you were nothing more than a polaroid photo, stimuli sent from my retinas to my optic nerve. But I felt something new. Something changed, I didn't feel as cold anymore.

Before I met you, I had convinced myself, naively, that I'd be alone forever, that I'd never meet anyone who would put up with me long enough to learn to love me. And then you waltzed into my life and changed everything. It was surreal, you were too-good-to-be-true and I was as ready as I could've been for heartbreak. What I did experience was nowhere near as horrible as the feeling I get at the thought of losing you now.

After I met you, I thought about it a lot, do soulmates exist? Until that point there'd only been one person I wished to be my soulmate (which was dumb, looking back now) but some part of me was drawn to you in a way I wasn't drawn to her. My feelings for you were different from my feelings for her.

When I'd convinced myself you'd never want me, I was hurt, I'd ever felt such pain, a deep physical pain, the kind you never forget. I guess it doesn't matter now, because that's in the past and I should move on.

I have you now, and god, I've never been so happy. You, Y/n L/n, are my soulmate and I'm so glad that we were made for each other. I couldn't ask for a better partner, future spouse, or soulmate. You are my everything and you give me purpose. You are my purpose.

Y/n L/n— Mar 9 (2008) 7:45

I couldn't sleep last night, I was thinking about you and it kept me awake, I think. I tried distracting myself but I kept finding you everywhere. At that point, I just let it happen and eventually fell asleep.

I'm angry, angry that I don't get to see you, because god I love seeing your face (you are literally so fucking pretty) and I love being near you in general.

I'm scared, scared that I won't be able to see you, even when I physically can. I don't know why I just, I hate the thought but it won't go away, I just want to hug you.

Y/n L/n— Mar 23 23:47 (2008)

It’s been a while since I did this- tomorrow’s your birthday and I’m pissed because I won’t get to see you, I can’t wish you happy birthday in person, shit I don’t know if I’ll be able to wish you happy birthday at all but that’s a whole other thing. Anyway, (here’s hoping you see this on your actual birthday-) HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Things might now be great right now but you’ve been alive for all this time and god I’m so proud of you for being so strong. You are amazing and I’m so happy I know you, I hope you’re birthday is fucking awesome, if not, I guess I’ll have no choice but to do everything I possibly can to make it better. I love you, Y/n L/n.

That’s it. The decision has been made for me. I just got a call, see you in New York.

(it just turned midnight, happy birthday)

Y/n L/n— Mar 24 (2008) 21:32

I only saw you for a few hours but again it was perfect. Before I left I made up my mind to do something. Turning around I ran back to your door. You opened it up and were so confused but I didn’t care. My hands cupped your cheeks and I kissed you. I kissed you 15 more times after, and then I left for my hotel room. I left something behind though - it was on purpose - slung on your couch is my cardigan. I want you to wear it and think of me.

Y/n L/n— Mar 29 (2008) 09:48

I'm not good with my words, shocking seeing as I'm a genius but it's true. I am terrible with my words, especially when it comes to you I just, my mind goes blank and I can't even form partially coherent sentences. That's probably why I suck at talking to you, I just can't think around you, I think it's because you're so perfect, I mean, it's true and it makes sense.

I got your letter today. You’re moving to DC. I don’t think I’ve ever been more crazed or excited. Everyone’s noticed it. I love you.

Y/n L/n— February 7th, (2020) 20:28

I stopped doing this when you moved to me. Everything that could have been written was said to you.

You're different. You're changing.

It's not a bad thing, it was inevitable; I'm far from the person I was three years ago. I'm just awful about adjusting to changes.

I like that you're different, it shows you're discovering yourself, you're turning out. Your changing as a person won't change how I feel about you because no matter what, you are so much greater than the sum of your parts and I think that's beautiful. I think you're beautiful.

I could never tire of you, as cliché as it is, I fall in love with you over and over everyday. I fall in love with every new and old part of you, because they're all so perfect.

I'd be lying (a terrible lie, might I add) if I said I wasn't thinking about you every moment of every day. I'm constantly thinking of you; Maybe wishing we were together, maybe wondering if you're thinking about me too, maybe hoping you're doing okay, maybe imagining our tomorrows, maybe thinking about your smile and how it shines brighter than any and every existing light source.

I rambled, yikes.

There’s something I want to ask and it’s years overdue (sorry.) After prison I found this and two years later I know what I want to do with it. I’m giving it to you, I’m fully giving my heart to you.

Look up, bumblebee. I’m waiting.

part two

[paynnincorporated]

My HCs on the Paynn families's gender, sexualities and relationships because why not. Haha very much indulgent ideas/thoughts

CW for sex talk

Word: nonbinary dude. Pan or bi disaster. Goes hard on being both feminine and masculine in his dress. After getting rich gets clothes with more drama and flare, to Zulay's delight hehe. Besides layers and patterns for clothes, adores jewelry and other finery. Apprenticeship in the dragon priesthood was rather hellish in terms of being forced to shave bald, stick to uniforms and practice modesty in dress. Pronouns are whatever delights him in the moment I guess. Probably had an unrequited crush on his rival Connor before being kicked out of the priesthood. Zulay is his first and only lover. Biggest simp for his wife, was very whipped. Lol Word's a bottom usually XD

Zulay: butch/masc leaning lady. You'll find her dressed up rugged for bar fights but also dapper af in suits and vests next to her flashier spouse for formalities. Zulay, unlike her partner, is the dangerous bisexual. She's had many flings, multiple partners, tried heaps of stuff, loved and hated plenty. Probably flirted with Word a lot pre-relationship, threatening him with a heart attack everytime. Word probably got jealous plenty when Zulay casually slept with a variety of people before their relationship was cemented. I like to think she enjoyed being referred to as a man often.

The two of them were likely in an open relationship, especially since Zulay was rather popular in Down City and had plenty of people throwing themselves at her feet. This dwindled/halted quickly though, as they were very much into each other and very much dedicated. Marriage was more a formality for Paynn inc and other legal purposes, but they did enjoy having wedding rings, other trinkets and parties to officiate it.

Moordryd: trans dude. Word flexed his riches and got him some of the best gender affirmative care in Dragon City and was a general badass in terms of fucking over any transphobes. Probably fired a bunch of staff, threatened lives etc. I like to think of Moord as ace, or perhaps bi. Shipping him with Cain or Artha is fun. I'm not too big on anything tbh so whatever.

Why do I love the Paynn family so fhdhsjs. They're queer and they're here

[genderhexcomix]

Transneutral

There’s not much to say about this one that isn’t included in the comic. So I’ll just repeat that I’m transneutral and I love being transneutral and I’m glad to have the word transneutral. Finding it put an end to the uncertainty I felt with how I related to transmasculine people in some ways but didn’t in other ways. The reason I usually prefer to dress masc isn’t really to look more masculine but to look less feminine. It’s to counteract the appearance of my face and body and create balance in the Force. I feel like if I’d been assigned male at birth I’d be trying to use femininity for the same overall neutral result.

Also I like all the transneutral flag designs, but the yellow one is my favourite, which is why I chose yellow as the main colour for this comic. (Probably just biased though, since yellow is my favourite colour in general).

_________________________ 

Rae (they/them)

[werevulvi]

I kinda just wanted to make a rant, to lay out why I feel so iffy about trans women and hopefully get a better understanding of my own feelings and what the fuck is brewing under that surface. There has to be a reason. This post is analytical drivel, not a debate, but by all means, feel free to respond or otherwise talk to me about this. Let's take it from the beginning and then go from there.

Part 1 Detransition:

So, I began detransitioning roughly 2 years ago. That's where my feelings about the trans community as a whole began to shift, and with that my feelings about trans women. At that time, I was still active in a truscum group and came out as detrans there, after having been known and looked up to as a trans man there for over a year. At first I was accepted, but when I started having doubts about wanting to get rid of my beard, and felt like I wanted to embrace my body hair and deep voice... people there started acting like shit towards me. They told me that my biological sex still being female did not matter, that I was essentially a man and had to detrans medically to be considered a woman again. That hurt badly.

Shortly after that, I was also told that because I was medically transitioned, trans women were "more female" than me. That was like the last drop that made the goblet pour over. Fuming, I started saying that I'm more of a woman than trans women can ever be, even if I keep a full beard, because they'll never be truly biologically female, no matter how much surgery they got. I was hurting by their cruel words, so I stuck it where it would hurt them the same. (I’ve always an “eye for an eye” sorta person.) That's when people started telling me that I hate trans women, but I felt like that was a misunderstanding. That I was just acting out, out of sadness, grief, anger, panic, and having my gender denied for the sake of validating trans women's genders.

But were they right?

Part 2 Gender critical thought:

Over time, I got exceedingly gender critical and fell into radblr. I also read/watched content that "exposed" transgenderism as a scam, most of which was articles and youtube videos from conservative right wing people, and Christians. I had joined an fb group for detransitioners, and the creator, a "born again" Christian detrans man, happily shared all the many sources he had on how transgender was all a scam from the start of its movement. I felt somewhat sick consuming those links, but probably equally intrigued. But at the same time, I kept a foot in the trans community, starving for attention, even though I was never good enough for them anymore, unless I lied and said I'm not a woman. What a sick twist of fate, I felt.

Part 3a Sexuality, from a lesbian view:

Sometime around that, I struggled with my sexuality and after a lot on inner search, I came to the conclusion I was a lesbian. I felt as though I was only attracted to the same sex as myself, including trans men, but felt nothing worth praising towards males, including trans women. That led to yet another rabbit hole that I tumbled down into. I became convinced that majority of trans women were lesbophobic predators, and I had some shit luck on dating apps. Most people who approached me there were gnc males; transvestites and trans women. I almost went on a date with a good-looking trans woman whom I had mistaken for female, because I felt guilty for having lost attraction to her the moment she told me she's trans and post-op. Luckily she canceled our date for unrelated reasons. I felt like because she was attractive to me before I knew she's trans, but felt completely uninterested in her after the fact, I couldn't possibly be attracted to trans women.

Part 3b Sexuality, from a bisexual view:

That, of course, is not necessarily a bad thing. But I kept asking myself why. Especially since I realised my error in my sexuality calculations, and upon correction discovered I'm actually bisexual after all. I still find women and transitioned females attractive, and in addition to that also men in general, and some vaguely transitioned males. Except from trans women. That odd little inconvenience stood out as a sore thumb which I couldn't stop scratching. Why? I kept asking myself. Why not trans women?

My question dug deeper than just to attraction. I don't think I feel iffy about trans women because I'm not attracted to them. I think it's the other way around.

I never had to convince myself to be attracted to trans men. I discovered early on in my own transition that some other trans men were really hot. That was it. I later on dated a trans man whom I was head over heals in love with. That confirmed it. I've been questioning my attraction to standard men and women far more than I ever questioned my attraction to trans men. It was that obvious, that clear. However, when it comes to trans women I was always the complete opposite. That no matter how I twisted and turned it, I only ever felt revulsion at the thought of being sexual or romantic with a trans woman. No matter how well or badly they passed, no matter how aesthetically pleasing or how charming their personalities.

I wanna clarify that I'm not at all forcing myself to be into trans women. I'm just trying to understand why, so that I'll no longer feel bad about my lack of attraction to them. Because I cannot accept things which I do not understand.

Part 3c Sexuality, digging for answers:

At first I thought, maybe I'm just not all that attracted to femininity. It's not like I typically get super into hyper-feminine natal women either, and fake tits and faces with a ton of plastic surgery has always made me queezy. No, I seem to have a strong preference for masculinity in partners, regardless if they're butches, other masc bi women, trans men or kinda standard masc natal men. So then it just kinda makes sense that trans women, whom are often hyper-feminine, just don't fit that image. Except... that one trans woman I almost went on a date with... she looked like a butch. I mistook her for a natal woman partly because she had short hair, no makeup and wore what looked like men's clothing, but I could see she had hips and tits, and her face looked naturally female. But I still wasn't into her, because she's trans.

Then I thought... okay, that one checks out, but maybe I'm just creeped out neo-vaginas? Yeah, that must be it! I'm almost equally creeped out by neo-penises too, but most trans men don't get bottom surgery anyway, so it hasn't been much on my mind. But then I thought: okay, but what about trans women who choose to not get bottom surgery then? I am attracted to dick. Nope, still uneasy at that thought. I started comparing men who are just very feminine, to trans women, and noticed yeah I don't actually feel half as iffy about men who are just feminine. A man in a dress and makeup can actually be very hot, to me. And I've always preferred long hair on men. But I prefer them still looking clearly male underneath that, although I don't mind a few androgynous features here and there. But I’m only into it if they don’t act like their affinity for femininity makes them women or non-binary, or if they’re feminine in a way that mocks or sexualises womanhood. So I’m not into tacky transvestites in over-sexualised lingerie. At least try to be tactful and elegant, please. So, it’s not male femininity per se that puts me off. If there’s any femininity I’m actually into, it’s male femininity. Because gender non-conformity is attractive to me. And I love the idea of being a strong female protector and girlboss of a gentle, delicate, feminine man. At least I like fantasising about that. (But enough about my daydreams.)

Part 4a Womanhood, biology and identity:

Somewhere after having gotten that far in my digging, I started getting close to finding my sore spot: trans women's view on womanhood.

As for myself, my own view of womanhood is completely detached from femininity. I'm just like... I can even have a full beard and bass voice, a flat and hairy chest, and still be a woman. Because I'm simply bio female. Trans women tend to very often think that they need to "pass" and with that comes a certain look: high voice, no facial hair, no body hair, big breasts, curvy hips, etc. All of which are features that I'm dysphoric about having on my own body, but admire in other natal women. But on trans women, it's like I feel uncomfortable about those kinda features on them. Like to me being a woman is just dealing with having developed that way, or not dealing with having developed that way. Where as for them it seems to be actually striving for developing that way, and I guess that causes my brain to short circuit. Cannot comprehend.

Part 4b Womanhood, fragility and validation:

My womanhood is kinda fragile. I admit that. I'm quite insecure as a woman, because of my transition and masculinity. I feel like most of my womanhood has been lost, which although I'm fine with, I still grieve. I grieve it because I was a bit of an idiot when I first transitioned and had not yet processed my trauma - not because I regret looking like a man. It's complicated, but basically... I feel as though my womanhood is hanging by a thread, which is my genitals, reproductive system and chromosomes; all of which are either mostly hidden or always invisible.

I'm often met with disbelief and disagreement. People either saying "You're not a woman because you can't possibly be female. You look too male." or "You're not a woman because you medically transitioned. You having a uterus is not enough to make you a woman." and it gets to me. And then there are trans women... some of whom do not even need to put on a wig to be instantly validated as women by just identifying as such. Others thinking that because I look like a man, they refuse to think of me as a woman. And that... pisses me off.

There have been a few trans women who in some utterly failed attempt at being supportive of me have said I'm like a nonbinary person who is half male and half female. That's not a lot better, but thanks for trying... I guess.

Part 4c Womanhood, dysphoria and misogyny:

I think that might be what gets to me about trans women. All of it. This entire list of things. That some of them are lesbophobic predators and have absurd claims of what being female is, that others mock womanhood, and yet others view themselves as somehow more female than I am. The genital factor and the slight creepiness of plastic surgery. Their view of womanhood as an identity and my view of it as a biological sex. I keep ending up in fights with trans women about these sorta things. I can't keep a lid on my frustrations no matter how hard I try to just see them as people with dysphoria and opinions that are different from mine. I cannot find any fucking solidarity between myself, as a dysphoric natal woman, and trans women. I feel like they're making mockery of my sex, my dysphoria and my struggles with misogyny, as well as making me feel like shit about something that I love about my body: my transition. I have no common grounds with them, and whenever they try to find solidarity in stuff like misogyny, I feel like they don't even know what the fuck they're talking about. I have a huge bone to pick with them, on multiple levels, and I don't even know where to start or where it ends.

Part 4d Womanhood, jealousy:

But a lot of it comes from jealousy. And I think it's mutual. I'm jealous of their ability to access female only spaces despite being male, which I cannot access despite being female. I'm jealous of their ability to be accepted as women. And on the other side, I think they're jealous of my reproductive ability, and my female socialisation, which I'm not like super hyped about myself, although I do love my pussy (she gives me great orgasms.) I'm jealous of their ability to claim womanhood without even trying to pass as female, because people are quicker to accept the woman-gender-identity than the woman-bio-sex. But likewise, ironically, I sense that they're jealous of that I can claim the "woman lane" despite looking convincingly male, because I'll always be biologically female, no matter how insible my sex is.

They cannot see me as a woman, because of my transition, without looking at themselves as men, no matter how far they transition. And I cannot see them as women, no matter how far they transition, without labeling myself as a man, because of my own transition. I think that about nails it.

Part 5 Conclusions:

I don't think it's true hatred, but rather insecurities both from myself and from them. Because we cannot both exist as women under the same ideology. One of us has to be considered a man, and neither of us is willing to fold on that. Ultimately... I am a threat to their womanhood, as much as they are a threat to my womanhood. And that tension is so thick... not even a knife could cut it. I guess the sad thing is though, that I think that tension is unnecessary. I am so unlike trans women that we could potentially bond based on how different we are. Because there is a lot of similarity in those differences, if you really think about it.

But no, I do not wish them harm in any way. Despite the vast array of insults I sometimes hurl their way. That is really just in response to them insulting me. I do not think they're doing anything wrong by transitioning, or even necessarily by identifying as women. I think, if they had just been more like "I can see you as a woman despite having transitioned, because deep down you like being female and having a pussy... kinda like I'm a woman because I wanna have a pussy, despite having been born male" I would have been much quicker to embrace them. Because that, I could get behind; but they can't.

So, there is no solidarity. It remains an endless fight. But I feel like it's not just on my part. I have tried. I do try. But they're not willing to meet me halfway, and that makes me go to attack in self-defense, which makes then go to attack in self-defense.