#I want poutine so bad now

[artschoolglasses]

BALDUR’S GATE 3 HAS POUTINE! YOU CAN BUY POUTINE!! 🥹🖤

[sleep-0-deprived]

⋆˚࿔Brahms Heelshire thoughts~!𝜗𝜚˚⋆

Taglist: @asher-is-hotxp @unstab1eperson2 @kimisbunny @yyuinaa @silvern1006

A/N: jus some thoughts N’ personal feels bout one of ma fav boys, N’ written specifically for @creepy141dollie <33

𝜗𝜚—𝜗𝜚—𝜗𝜚—𝜗𝜚—𝜗𝜚—𝜗𝜚—𝜗𝜚—𝜗𝜚—𝜗𝜚—𝜗𝜚—𝜗𝜚—𝜗𝜚—𝜗𝜚—𝜗𝜚—𝜗𝜚—𝜗𝜚

Personally I like thinkin Brahms S’ a big Ol baby, he’s touch starved at’ death N’ when you’re his new baby sitter all he can wonder as’ why’re you a boy? Where’s his nanny at…he’s silent as always creeping through in the walls just watchin the way you do things- he can’t deny how good ya are at all tha domestic stuff, house hubby material S’ what he first thought when he seen ya. You’re a sassy man he can tell that much bout you from the way you scold him and push out your bottom lip when lookin up at him, he doesn’t know how you made it past his old fashioned parents- maybe ya charms work on everyone.

Brahms S’ a total creep, he gives no privacy he stalks ya like a dog, he lurks even when ya ask him not to, he is obsessed all tha time- his infatuation holds no bounds N’ he isn’t afraid T’ watch your most intimate moments in tha shower or when you touch ya’self, Brahms hates when you lecture him, talkin bout how you wont let his cock near you sayin stuff like, “I only reward good boys” even tho knowin you, you’d start T’ feel bad N’ give into him by the end of the night— how could ya not with the way he begs you, his voice cracks N’ you can practically feel his tears behind that porcelain mask.

Bein his babysitter means giving up your life- he’s crazy N’ he’s toxic for you but you can’t bring yourself to leave him…you jus feel bad- he holds you an’ praises you like a god when he wants but he screams N’ throw fits over you when he’s upset— Y’ know you should runaway but you jus can’t- you’re in too far now anyway S’ why even bother to try N’ leave him? Ever since you took that job everything feels cold- the air, Your body N’ it’s all porcelain like, just like his mask. You used T’ love shopping but the most you do is go out into town T’ pick up groceries then ya go back to Brahms…that house has made you isolated from th’ world N’ Brahms doesn’t care at all, he jus wants you to himself.

Brahms is a manipulator, he uses your soft spots to get his ways, he promises all ya wanna hear jus to get you T’ stay. Brahms acts all innocent like he isn’t tha reason for your change in personality N’ he isn’t the reason you’re starting T’ slowly lose that sass, he’s worn ya down into a tired parent like person. Brahms uses his tears T’ wrap you around his finger knowin you can’t resist the way he clings to you like a god, Brahms worships the ground you walk on when you give him what he wants which is to ultimately have you forever.

Brahms S’ pent up all the time, sneakin off into your room when he needs tha love, not Carin bout anything jus getting your shorts down enough T’ shove his dick in ya while you sleepily hiss into the pillows whining bout how he’s bein rough- Brahms whimpers- he try’s ta be quiet but when your hole sucks him back N’ he loses it like a puppy poutin and moaning away on top of you clutching onto you hard while his hips erratically fuck you in ya sheets

Brahms fav position is cowgirl tho it should probably be cowboy W’ you on top- your hand gripping his shoulders working up N’ down taking his cock with ease while his eyes hold contact W’ yours- his breath is shaky N’ he can’t control how weak he feels but somethin bout his fave being covered starin into your soul the whole time has ya buckin down on his cock wildly “please- please, I need you, only you- just you- please” your body melted when those words left his mouth oh so pathetically- how could this be the same man who broke you down? How could he.. before you know it his semen S’ floodin inside you filling ya all full.

[777sturn]

𝐬𝐡𝐮𝐭 𝐮𝐩 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐝𝐫𝐢𝐯𝐞 | 𝐜hris 𝐬turniolo . . .

(⊹ֹ 𝐢𝐧 𝒘𝒉𝒊𝒄𝒉 ) ──── ⟢

❛ you and chris always compete in car races. on and off the tracks you two always clashed heads because of jealousy and envy. the wins would go back and forth between you two and he had enough of it, he wanted the win. so, he finds a way to make you lose. ❜

˖ ࣪⊹ pairing. racer!chris x fem!reader

⊹₊ ⋆ warning(s). smut, mature language, fingering (f receiving), boob play, angst, unprotected rough sex, p in v, degrading (a little)

ᶻ 𝗓 𐰁 .ᐟ jules’ message. this has been marinating in my drafts since the summer and it was originally supposed to be a matt one shot BUT chris got his license sooo… here it is! also i barely know anything about cars, only the one suki drives in 2f2f so PLEASE bare with me. anywho, STAY FREAKY

it was pretty late at night as you were at the race track. you were currently infront of your hot pink race car, double-checking the engine for the race that was taking place tomorrow. the pink embellishment and the white details perfectly fit your aesthetic. you hum to yourself as you take out the dipstick to check the oil.

suddenly, your peaceful aura was soon interrupted with the familiar revving from none other than chris sturniolo— your enemy on and off the track. you let out a groan and watched as his dark blue porsche pull up beside your car. you could practically see that stupid smirk he always wore through his tinted windows.

you threw your matching pink car towel over your shoulder before crossing your arms and eyeing him down as he stepped out his car. as soon as you see his camo pants, you immediately roll your eyes.

“quit poutin’,” he mumbles in a raspy tone, “save it for tomorrow.”

“i’m gonna be smiling tomorrow, actually.” you correct him, turning back to face your engine. he let’s out a scoff as he steps closer to you and your vehicle.

“you gotta let me win, ma.” he whispers, leaning against the open hood of your car as he watched you inspect the engine, “i just know that there’s gonna be hot chicks in the stands and i wanna show off that bad boy,” he hums, nodding towards the direction of his car.

you give him a look and shake your head, “and i know there’s gonna be the sexiest guys on the planet in the stands too. and my car isn’t the only thing i wanna show off.”

chris rolls his eyes at your snarky comment before his eyes roamed down your body— all the way from your white tube top to your denim skirt that hugged your curves perfectly before dangerously stopping right below your ass. he clicks his tongue before nodding, “aight” he mumbles before moving off your car to stand behind you. “your oil is low.” he hums, reaching over to grab the dipstick from your hand.

“no it’s not.” you mumble, “i literally got it changed last week.”

chris just shrugs and takes the towel off your shoulder— his fingers slightly lingering on your bare skin for a little bit longer than he intended to. he gently dabs the stick on the towel to check the crevices, “it’s low.” he repeats, putting the dipstick back into it’s place, “looks like you’re gonna lose, princess.” he taunts as he swung the towel back on your shoulder before his hands found their way to your waist.

“i’ll be fine.” you huff, as you look up at him, “and i will win.”

“mhm.” he hums nonchalantly, “your car won’t turn on now.” he tests, the stupid smirk returning to his lips.

“says who?” you scoff, rolling your eyes.

“me,” he answers, mocking your exact tone. chris then steps away from you before swinging open the driver’s door. he was now met with a baby pink leather interior that coordinated with the design on the exterior of your car, “it looks like a fucking toddler threw up in here.” he mumbles as he slides into the driver’s seat.

you cross your arms as you stand in front of the door, “don’t drive my car.” you mutter.

“i can’t.” he reminds, pressing the button that was supposed to start your car, but nothing happened, “your battery or engine is dead and the oil is low.” he points out, scoffing.

“are you deadass?” you groan in annoyance.

chris nods and smirks as he motions his fingers towards him, gesturing you to come closer to take a look at the bright pink warning symbols yourself. subconsciously, your hand was now planted on his thigh to support yourself so you could see the warning symbols.

he chuckles lowly as his left hand traveled to your ass, gently smacking it, “see. you can’t even compete, baby.”

“i’ll find a way.” you say with determination.

“i won’t let you,” he mumbles, pulling you into his lap fully. you were now face to face as you straddled him, “so fuckin’ stubborn—just give up, ma.”

you could feel chris harden beneath you as you adjust yourself, his cock slightly brushing against your now wet panties, “i’m not gonna be the loser for this race, chris.” you say, your voice slightly shaky.

he groaned in annoyance as he threw his head against the pink headrest. both of his hands trailed up and down your thighs, occasionally his fingers teasing the sexy lace of your underwear. your eyes dart to his adams apple, bobbing ever -so-slightly as his fingers inched closer to your core.

he delicately brushed his ring and middle finger against your clothed clit, “let me win, baby.” he whispers once more, as he meets your wetness seeping through, “damn. is this what it takes?” he scoffs, teasing you some more. a soft whimper escapes your glossed lips in response.

“stay quiet f’me,” he mutters, “let me figure that out myself, yeah?” he finally slipped both of his fingers into your panties, humming in approval as he feels the soft skin of your pussy. he pushed one finger at a time into your wet folds in a dangerously slow manner.

“fuck…” you breathe out, leaning your back against the steering wheel— the pink embellishment of the honda logo pressed into your back, creating an indent through your top. another moan came out as you felt him curl his fingers inside you before pumping in a deliberate and sensual motion, “you’re so fuckin’…” you trail off, completely melting in his arms.

“so fuckin’ what?” chris teases, the pace of his pumping began to quicken , “so fuckin’ right? ‘cause yeah, i am.” he mumbles, dipping his head into the crook of your neck to leave hot and open mouthed kisses on your cold skin.

chris was feeding into your soft moans and whimpers, biting and sucking on your neck in response to the noises. his other hand slipped under your tube top to meet your bare chest. he hummed against your neck, the vibrations sending a shiver down your spine before roughly grazing his thumb on your hardened nipple.

“please chris…” you whine, as his forefinger and thumb rolled and pinched the sensitive skin of your breast. your head was thrown back as you bucked your hips against his slender fingers before subconsciously grinding on them— basically pleading for more, “i’m gonna cum.”

“holy shit.” he scoffs at your desperation and the arousal that coated his fingers. he then slowly removedhis fingers from inside you and brought them into his own mouth, “christ. you taste like a fucking loser.” he shakes his head, pinching your nipple once more.

“shut the fuck… up.” you say breathlessly, before beginning to roll your hips against his hard and throbbing cock.

“geez ma,” he groans, “i didn’t expect for you to basically be begging for my dick.” he then unzips his camo pants and pulled down his boxers— his rockhard dick sprung out.

you didn’t hesistate one bit, you slipped off your panties with the help of chris as your freshly done nails dug into chris’ back, “so desperate, it’s pathetic.” he mumbles as he began to fuck you while you sat on his lap, “you’re gonna take it raw, baby.” he groaned.

you gasp as you felt his length slip through your wet and already sore folds. you bounced up and down on his cock, needily while the grip on his disheveled hair tightened, “you’re gonna let me win now huh?” chris moaned, his hands squeezing your ass in response to your hands tugging at his hair.

“fine—” you whine, “i don’t care anymore… just please. fuck…”

he throws his head back once more, a tired smirk played at his lips, “that’s what i thought. i’m winning that shit fair and swear, baby.”

© 777sturn

[drowninginblox]

Back Online

Pt: 1, 2, 3

You decided to take some time for yourself.

Charles could read you like an open book, and you loved and hated him for that. When he said you had paid time off, you took it—along with Scott's motorcycle.

You didn't know where you would go but you ended up in Niagrea for a few days, just watching the falls and the people. You also spent some time off Tumblr. The last thing you needed was to be reminded of that damn post again. But the thing was, you found yourself stalking Kurt's known social media in the meantime. It got to the point where you lost sleep over year-old photos of this guy's stupid face. So on the third day, you turned off your phone altogether.

You knew it wasn't smart but you also knew that no one would call you in an emergency. You weren't an X-Men, you knew that too well. So the whole week was yours.

You ate poutine, went to a spa, ordered takeout, watched trash TV, and enjoyed the American/ Canadian border. It wasn't everything you hoped for, but it was better than lingering on everything you left. No- that was for the drive back.

When you got on Scott’s motorcycle and started back on the scenic route, you got to thinking. One step at a time. From how this whole feeling towards Kurt started, to the pinning, to the post, and now… how in every instance you could have just told him at any time. But you didn’t. And now he knows about your crippling feelings through a tumblr post of all things.

The amount of times you swore at yourself outnumbered your fingers and toes. But you continued back to the school. The good part of you wanted to say it was for the students. The bad part of you wanted to say it was because you didn’t have a passport. But the realest answer was that you couldn’t run away. You know too many people who have ran away from their problems- all of the XMen have. But what seperated you from them is that even when shit got tough, and the circumstances where stupid, you always walked towards the problem. Regardless of if it was your own or someone else’s, you always took it head on. Because even the runners get exhausted, and the hiders get paranoid. You’d rather just get it done and over with.

So when you pulled up to the school to see Kurt standing out front waiting for you, you only took a breath and walked up to him. “You’re back.” He said in disbelief. You manage to shrug “I had to.” Kurt kept his eyes on you, taking you in for everything you are. “Y/n, I want to talk to you about that-“ you chuckle, albeit awkwardly “my post? Yeah… I had a feeling.”

He can’t help but avert his gaze and hold the back of his neck while you shove your hands into your coat pockets “Liebling I-“ “Kurt,-“ you manage to say simultaneously. When the two of you realize your shared mistake, you laugh. And for a moment, it doesn’t feel like what happened happened. But when the laughter settled, and the reality edged back, you say it first “You go ahead. Please.” Kurt smiles in thanks. “Y/n, I-" He pauses momentarily to calm himself, and hopefully consider his words. "I’ve thought a lot about what happened, alongside how I reacted. And there’s something that I need to be honest with you about. I just," He stops and sighs. "I didn’t tell you because I was embarrassed and I just didn’t know it was you who made the post." The hand that rested behind his neck moved to his elbow, fiddling with the fabric of the loose sweatshirt he was wearing.

"I’m hoping that we can talk about it somewhere more private, that’s all to say if that’s alright with you.” You take that in and nod “But before we do, let me say what I wanted to. Please.” You countered. Kurt nodded. "Of course,"

You take a breath of your own and try to remember all the things you want to say. “Kurt, I am very sorry if I made you uncomfortable. I’m not that brave when it comes to telling others my... romantic feelings because, more often than not, they’re one-sided on my end. So I just- keep to myself and hope it goes away with time." You attempt to chuckle away nerves. "Obviously, that didn’t happen… and I didn’t have anyone I felt comfortable telling. I was scared it would get back to you one way or another." You huff a dry laugh. "Ironic I know," Kurt looks at you with a soft expression but you didn't quite know what was backing it. "So I thought if I shouted into the ether- nothing would happen. Even though I knew you have a Tumblr... I thought I should risk it anyway since I just needed to get it out. So I did,... and now you know.” She hesitates but decides not to take his hand

“Kurt, regardless of what happens or how you feel, know that I still want to be your friend. I understand completely if you don’t- that you need time or that you don’t want me to talk to you at all. But I hope you know that I truly care about you, Kurt," You move only to end up holding yourself. "Whether that be romantically or platonically- I care about you. So… if you want me to buzz off for leave you alone that is completely fine. I just want you to be comfortable.” You swallow down an acidic taste that you hope is pure anxiety. Kurt looks you over for a few moments. You try to meet his eyes. Time passes in this wordless exchange until Kurt offers his hand. "I think we should continue this somewhere else." He decides. You swallow again and attempt a smile with all the hope you have in this relationship- whatever it may be. "Okay." You clasp his hand, and just seconds before you two teleport, he smiles and pulls you into a hug. You manage to close your eyes as the cloud of dark smoke overtakes you.

The lingering scent of vanilla hung in the air, signaling to you that it was okay to open your eyes. You've only been inside of Kurt's room once, maybe twice, and even then it was only for fleeting moments like telling him food is ready. So you took your time taking in all the tapestries, framed photos, overflowing bookshelves, and still burning candles. "Did you leave these burning while we were talking?" You mumbled while looking around. Kurt laughed awkwardly. "Ja… dumm." He chuckles. "The Professor told me you were approaching the campus and I just had to talk with you." You look up to him. "Well, now you can talk to me." Kurt looks down at you. The urge to pull you closer or squeeze you while he has the chance is almost overwhelming. But he overcomes it.

Instead, he lets go and puts a step between you. Both are a means to not scare you and to distance themselves. “So, I know you like me, and... I don't want to lead you astray Y/n. So I’m going to be honest with you. Up until a week ago, I never considered our relationship in that way." You look away. The tightness in your throat is starting to become unbearable. "Hey, hey, hör zu, sieh mich an, meine Schöne. Denken Sie bitte nicht das Schlimmste. Look at me Y/n." He chides, taking a step forward and holding your chin. "Please, look at me. I'm not done. Hear me out okay, liebling?" You can't help but flush when you hear him say that. God damn fanfictions haunting you. "Okay," You relent. he smiles a little and moves your face so the two of you are eye to eye. "When I realized it was you, I wanted nothing else in the world but to go back in time and slap myself. I though that I lost one of the best people in my life." He brushes a thumb over your chin. "And when you left, I was lost. I didn't deserve to know whether or not you were coming back. But when the reality set in that maybe you weren't I-" he sighs and looks away for a moment before returning to your eyes. "I realized I couldn't live without you." You felt yourself get a little lighter at his admission. "Me too." You mumbled.

Kurt swallowed. His pride or nerves, he doesn't know. "Y/n, I don't know to what extent I want our relationship to be. But I know I don't want to live a life without you by my side." He lowers his hand from your chin to your own hand and interlocks your fingers. "I don't know if this will be what you want of me-"

You shake your head and holds his cheek, making Kurt tense. You hesitate but resign yourself to not pulling away. "Kurt, all I want is your happiness. I can get over my feelings. I can move on. The last thing I want is you attempting to force feelings that aren't there." His eyes get a little wide. "Y/n-" "Kurt, you are one of the kindest, most selfless people I know. You are admirable and open, loving, and- to me- you're divine." You brush a thumb over a hot cheek as his face slowly turns violet. "Kurt, you deserve only the best that the world has to offer. Do not put your happiness aside for me. Please," You assure. "Be happy in any way you want, just don't hurt yourself in the process."

Kurt blinks a few times as he processes your words. You keep your eyes on him to gauge his reaction, but other than blinking through too many emotions to properly identify and parting his lips every few seconds, there's nothing much you can do other than question if holding his face is the right thing to do right now. Eventually, he finds himself, closing his mouth and focusing back on the current moment. "Y/n," He starts but cuts himself off. He moves his hands to hold your wrists, moving your hands away from his face. All you can do is swallow and listen to whatever he needs to say. "Y/n, I am a man of many things. You know that." He smiles a little and looks down at your hands. "I'm a man of faith in things most people don't belive in, I am both fierce and cowardly in all senses of the word, and I envy the dramatics of life." He moves his hands to yours from your wrists. His hands turn your palms upwards so the closest finger that could ever be considered as his thumbs can press into your palms.

He takes them in, soft but worn- not in the same ways his are though. You find yourself looking at your own hands as well. "When I was in the circus, a woman taught me how to read palms... she couldn't read mine that well." He chuckled softly, making you giggle in return. "But, I learned how to read others." He drops your nondominant hand and looks closely at the other. "Kurt, what does this-" "Shhhh-" He hushes, looking intently at your palm. "I know I have a flair for the dramatics, but let me do this Y/n," He says before looking up to you. Realizing the proximity and the intimacy of this situation, your face heats up. But you nod for him to keep going regardless.

He smiles and returns to his work. "Now, as much as I love the novelty of this, take it all with a grain of salt....Ah! There," he points to a line closest to your fingers but top most of your palm. "This is your heart line." He explains "Or your love line..." He smiles softly as he trails the line with a finger. The ghost of the touch makes a shiver run up your back. He chuckles. "You see how long it is?" You nod. "That means that you are most likely a good lover... romantic, considerate, caring." You look back at him. "But, I don't need your palm to tell me that." He clasps his other hand around yours, encasing it with his touch. "Y/n, when you left- I didn't know what to do with myself." You look at him slightly concerned. "I was forgetting things more often than I usually do. When meetings were, when to eat, when to sleep..." A dry chuckle escaped him. "I was so worried about you that I neglected myself." You put your spare hand on top of Kurts. "Kurtis..."

He chuckles a little "You're the only person I let call me that... other than Marie." He looks into your eyes. "I was so worried that I lost you over something that I was putting up a front for..." You cocked your head a little. "What do you mean?" Kurt removes his hands from yours and takes out his phone. He finds the screenshot that started all of this. "Y/n, I have reread this post well over a dozen times before I belittled it before you. Not because I thought it was weird or something... it was so flattering. To have someone want to hold, kiss, and love me so unabashedly. Of course, I didn't know it was you... not that that is any excuse. But... You understand why I tried to play it off as a joke right?" You nod in understanding. He could not have known it was you, you made sure of it. "I guess my reaction was enough of a tell..." He smiles at you in understanding, although it comes off as bittersweet considering the situation. He puts his phone away. "Y/n, I don't see you any differently. I hope you know that, but I also want you to understand that my feelings for you have changed and I need to sort them out." You can't help but look away from him. " I won't ask what kind as to not get my hopes up, but can I at least know wether or not you're pitying me." Kurt furrows his brows and holds your cheek. "No! No, Y/n, I do not pity you or look down on you for this. Ehrlich. I just wish you trusted someone on the team to tell rather than do this." Your throat tightened. "If I did, I knew it would get back to you. One way or another." He sighs. "And this was better?"

The only sound comes from the to-and-fro flick of Kurt's tail.

He just brushes a thumb over your cheek, watching as your inner turmoil reflects through your eyes. "Just give me some time to figure this out, okay?" You glance back at him. His golden eyes soften at the understanding between the two of you. Even though you hate how everything has turned out, it's gotten you here regardless. You sigh and turn to fully look him in the eyes. "Take as much time as you need." You assure. He smiles at you, this time it's far more genuine. "Thank you." He mumbles. You nod and back away from him. All he can do is watch as you make your way to the door. You open it and turn back to him "We're still friends?" You mumble. He smiles. "Always." You return the smile and nod before leaving the room.

Finally, he can plan.

[theskeletonprior]

I left my awful soul-sucking job so my writing commissions are now open! Looking for a brainrot cure? Got a story that won't write itself? There's a way. Drop me a line! I'm especially good at nailing character voices, hurt/comfort, polyamory, and subtle moments of intimacy. While I don’t mind writing intimate scenes, I don’t accept graphic NSFW requests, non-con, or underage. When in doubt, just check in with me first! You can message me here on Tumblr, or email me at theskeletonprior@gmail.com. The hellsite, as I'm sure you know, does eat asks and such sometimes, so if you don't hear back, don't be afraid to reach out again!

Price List (CAD)

1000 words for $20 1500 words for $35 2000 words for $45 Pro rate for writers these days is $0.08 per word, so my commission rates are an absolute steal. Our dollar is also a little bit trash here in the land of maple syrup and poutine or whatever, so if you happen to trade in eagle bux, even better for you! My commissions help me pay for things like sertraline, funding for my ongoing effort to be reunited with my beloved husband, the occasional good meal, and resources for my work as a professional Dungeon Master (I can't believe that one either). So hire a dead guy, and help support a queer creative. I also donate any tips to Gaza Funds.

If you’re looking for a longer work, feel free shoot me an email at theskeletonprior@gmail.com and we’ll chat. Words are what I do.

Work Samples

You can read all my Tav Tales to date here on AO3, but here are some of the highlights.

To Live in Infamy (2k Durgetash)

The morning, Enver is lucky enough to have pants on. The Slayer snaps his chains as it comes screaming into the daylight, barrelling out of the bed. The force of Infamy’s awakening sends Enver rolling onto the floor, narrowly missing being crushed by the bedframe. He’s tangled in their sheets, and already lamenting that they’ll need to be replaced. This silk had come all the way from Waterdeep. That’s his first thought, even with his heart pounding in his ears. He struggles to free himself, but the Slayer isn’t coming for him. There’s the acrid smell of half-cast sorcery, and then the screaming starts. When something warm and wet splashes onto him, soaking through the sheets, Enver hopes it’s blood. The crunching of bones and the smell of bright copper gives him a little hope that it’s not something worse. It wouldn’t be the first time a would be assassin emptied their stomach or their bowels in terror before the Slayer. Enver unrolls himself at last, leaning back on his elbows to enjoy the show, even as the blood—and thank goodness it is blood—soaks through his nice sheets. The mess quite nearly defies description.

Callus (2k Tav/Astarion/Halsin)

“Oh, my dear, what a miserable turn of events.” Astarion kisses Lukan’s hair gently. “I could probably catch up with him, you know. Plenty of good alleyways in this end of town to drag him into, get him acquainted with my nice new boots. Sturdy enough to kick a man entirely to death.” “You got new boots?” Lukan can’t help a watery smile, desperate to redirect the conversation. He doesn’t want Thindulion killed. It had been bad enough to bury his mother, and as much as he wants to hate his father for abandoning them, he hates the thought of being orphaned even more. And now he knows he has a sister, and he couldn’t put her through that. “That’s beside the point,” Astarion says. “I’m asking if a little spot of patricide might cheer you up.” Lukan shakes his head. “It’s not like that,” he says. He wants to try to make light, to play along with Astarion’s flippant turn of phrase, but it’s just too heavy. It doesn’t go unnoticed. “I might have another idea, in that case,” Astarion tells him. “Why don’t you have a sit on the bed, get those boots off, and I’ll be back, having done precisely no murders, I promise.”

In the Spider’s Parlor (3.5k Tav/Kar'niss)

She peers over her shoulder at him and then rolls her head, exposing more of her neck. Suddenly his need, that wretched appetite, is not as hideous as it has been, he feels no disgust for what he wants, for the curse that makes him want it. There’s only this moment. He nips lightly, slipping his arms around her, embracing the warmth. He reaches out with his forelegs, feeling her, holding her securely as he had done that first time. He’s heard the sound she makes when letting blood, and now he knows it for what it is. Pleasure. His purr rumbles low in his chest, but he never bites, lapping softly at the thin rivulet of blood that wells from where he’s nipped her, one delectable drop at a time. Solinore reaches up, one hand tangling in his hair, relaxing in his grip. “What you ask of me, is yours,” Kar’niss says, applying pressure to the nick he’d made to stop what little bleeding he’d caused. “You sure?” she asks, playfully. “I could ask for another ride on your back. Or…” He knows what that smirk implies. “What you ask of me,” he says again, “is yours.”

[canduscata]

Episode 5 is one hell of a ride!! So this will be long!!

Firstly we have Susie with her father and you can see she doesn’t like the idea of Eddie being killed, so she starts thinking strategies to keep Eddie safe!! Bobby is a hardcore Susie Eddie shipper hahaha I think he wants both of them to realize they are good together.

Now, they play golf business partners 101!! (Partners who spend quality time together, stay together ;)) Here she mentions she wants him within the organisation… As an active member… I think that’s why she makes him part of the Belgium situation, to allure him with the idea of staying. 

When they are at the farm and the electricity runs off, Susie is girlboss!! But you can see that Eddie is second in command… Blanket goes with him and follows HIS orders!!

The travellers are introduced...

This whole interaction in the caravan was hilarious but I love that both of them are relaxed around each other, in sync when the travellers want in, they both talk at the same time, having exactly the same reaction!! Then they make a decision together!! About passing the weed with the help of the travellers!! They discussed it together like partners!! And Eddie is the one IN CHARGE of the whole exchange and she lets HIM!! 

The moments before the rager, JP takes the poutin and they look at one another. It drives me crazy how they need to find each other to say are you hearing this fucking shit!! They need each other's support!! I’m DEAD! 

These glimpses of the party!! Dancing together slowly… MARRIED!! I just can’t with the fact that the only time they aren’t discussing business or planning something, and they are truly relaxed in very different circumstances, they allow themselves to act on their feelings!! The way he looks at her, my boy is down bad!! AAAaggrrr

Get a man like Eddie that knowing you are hangover will go and say I’m gonna solve this!! Allowing you to rest. That is true love!! 

JP mentions they were cozy… She rolls her eyes (she remembers everything!!) I think because she can’t show she’s interested… she doesn’t allow her to accept her feelings for Eddie, and says it’s a work thing…  

She enters the warehouse and the duke is there leaning back on his chair and when he sees her, he SMIRKS!! (he remembers everything too!) Jesus just be together, pleaseeee!! Not only that, but he is in control, he follows her with his eyes and knows what she’s asking without her saying a word!!!

Here comes my favorite scene of the episode… He is smoking a cigar, she’s with her champagne, walking towards each other... You see it!! In their eyes, they are proud of each other, and what they accomplished!! Of what’s growing!! (and aroused ;))  HOOOOT!!! GOD!! I CAN’T!! 

Then the money is stolen and HE takes charge, of everything and goes to give Susie his opinion and SHE listens!! I love how she says WE need to take a trip to Zeebrugge, because she needs him!!! In the restaurant scene; I enjoy how they finish each other’s sentences, the way they are comfortable around one another, and how they aren't afraid to show their dark side... True love!!

I love how he knows she's disappointed with the Keith situation so he is the one pouring the whiskey and asking HER how she wants to handle the situation (wifey is sad)… and her a very poised woman, who would never take her shoes off in front of anyone, is with her BARE FEET up and relaxed on a couch with HIM!! The intimacy and familiarity!! Aarrggg!! They’ll be my death! And the trust talk, when she says you never know… because even though she should not trust him, she DOES!! 

When Susie is with Bobby discussing the business you can tell she’s clever and knows the business but Bobby is not listening, she is ten steps ahead!! My girl is THE BOSS!! LOVE HER!!

Eddie realizes there's no way out, he's angry and feels disregard for the whole Jethro's situation… I think he’s angry because she didn’t trust him by not telling him anything. 

Comment aside perhaps Geoff and Lady Sabrina’s love story shows us how Susie and Eddie story will be… the longing, the way they can’t be together (different backgrounds) but at the end they are!!

The denim jumpsuit drives me insaneeeee!!

[thecoffeelorian]

The Anomaly Series, Chapter 5: The Mothers' Touch (Jod Na Nawood x Reader)

A/N: If you’re looking for this show’s “Justice Ending” where the folks in Wim’s neighborhood mace the eff out of the invading pirate horde, knock them out to death like a scene from Jordan Peele’s “Us”, and then let their respective pet dogs and cats feast upon the remains…I’m afraid that this is not the fanfic you’re looking for.

Rather, this is all about the AU that I’ve unofficially dubbed “The Anomalyverse”, one in which a certain Captain has something a bit closer to a kriffing conscience; another thing a bit further away from a (self-) destructive love of riches; and a whole shipload of connecting the dots/having fun with headcanons in between.

Specifically, headcanons such as a distant link to Qui-Gonn Jinn; a destroyed planet; a dead mother; an absent father; and possibly even an ancestral tie to Tak Rennod, for example...so, if there's anybody left out there who also wants to follow these clues to a drastically different conclusion, I would certainly be glad to have you.

As for anybody wondering just where the heck Jod is during the last few chapters...well, he’ll certainly return in Chapter 6. For now, however, I have to build up everything else in order to reach the good parts...so please, stay tuned if you're able! ;)

Chapter Title: The Mothers' Touch

Genre: Drama/Romance.

Extra Tags: Slow Burn; Obvious Canon Divergence; This Is Just An Experiment; Don't Try This At Home; Into The Anomalyverse.

Word Count: 1,514 words.

AO3: Click Here!

Master List: Click Here!

CW: There will be mentions of trespassing, traveling without documents, a character vomiting, references to violence and child endangerment, a second character losing an arm, and a secondary plotline of interviewing child witnesses to a crime...so from this moment forward, reader discretion is advised.

Special Notes: As I have no clue how to even begin to breach the topic of child abuse...let's just do the safe thing and label this as 'Spoilers up to Episode 4'.

As for the planet of Argann, I deliberately recycled it from an old Bad Batch story series rather than using Lanupa as a location. Ya know...because this is my turn in the creativity sandbox, or whatever. ;D

No Pressure Tags:

@racheldon @trinsghost @tealsage7 @sorryximlame @scarfsss

@kazthedestroyer @ahcedf @lokisnapemalfoy @pottershelby @inastarlesssky

@shirley-girly @amawu23 @lokigirlszendaya @kazunish @gun-roswell

@braveincafleet @brookeandherfandoms @bridge-always @yellowbubblewrap @xbeyondthegatex

@hey-x-jude @papa-poutine @lulalovez @robin-hyperfixates @badbatchposts and anybody else who ISN'T ready to stop asking questions about what little we know of this character.

Midday, At Attin.

It’s almost been one rotation since the landing, and the Intensive Care Ward is the next stop on your list so that you can get a little bit more work done before lunchtime arrives. On this same day, however, no thanks to a somewhat unwelcome push for information from the local press...you’ve got to wade your way through them before you can travel anywhere.

Best. Day. EVER.

Of course, they don’t think twice about pelting you with questions as their blasted flashbulbs go off. What is the current condition of the children, where are they now, did they bring any illnesses in with them. Who was the man traveling with them, where is he now, did he bring in any illegal weapons, was he holding them for ransom. In fact, they get so kriffing loud that it’s almost enough to make you want to bend forward and release what’s left of your breakfast all over their fine leather shoes.

Maybe you should do just that, if only to teach the nerfherders a lesson that they will NEVER forget.

Luckily for you, though—if not also for the shoes—Madam Undersecretary’s helping you duck into a waiting hovercar a few minutes later, thus providing you a moment of peace from those pesky reporters. They’ll just have to listen to the sounds of their own voices for a time, and see if they can guess anything by hearsay alone.

As for you and your boss, it should be a relatively short trip as the worst of the morning traffic cleared up about an hour ago, thus significantly lowering the chances of any traffic jams as well as speeder accidents.

A welcome occurrence, to be sure…especially when you remember exactly who it is you’re off to question.

Nevertheless, even if it’s just for a few minutes, your thoughts also shift back to him and how, if at all, he might be adjusting to this new planet. Is he dealing with a harsh difference of time zones right now, for example? What about weather, or gravity, or for all that you know, staying in a place where not everyone’s so eager to cut his throat? You can only imagine what thoughts he might be wrestling with at this moment, even if it’s just because you can’t read his mind and figure it out for yourself.

You can’t exactly fret too much about this, though, because the next thing you know, the doors of At Attin General are rolling into view and you’ve got to put your Work Face back on. Remember, you’re here to get some definitive answers, not lose yourself in a fit of T-Drama sentimentality.

This is how you find yourself standing in the borders of No-Man’s-Land, the two Queens of this territory having accepted the Undersecretary’s request for a meeting hours ahead of time. Both Maree and Garree rise to meet you with the usual offers fitting local hospitality, some tea from the hospital kitchen, a few sweets, and did you have trouble getting here? As the two official guests in this room, it’s almost a rite of protection, and for this, you’re quick to accept the tea but decline the food.

Business practices, after all, were always meant to be conducted on a somewhat fast track.

As for the Princess of this realm, it’s not long at all before the focus is on her again, as both herself and her life monitor are well within reach, and she won’t be going on any more surprise adventures for a while. Today, K.B. has the look of someone who’s been startled one time too many, the lasting anxiety of whatever took place far away from here evident in her body language, even if you can’t see it in her eyes.

Perhaps it’s just as well, though, because if she’s actually one of four witnesses to a crime rather than a mere runaway ship…somebody has to get her to speak up.

“Hey, kiddo…how are you feeling?”

Fara breaks the ice with a check upon the girl’s welfare, a surefire way to loosen up whatever tension there might have been in this room before your arrival.

“Shaky,” K.B. confesses in a whisper, and wastes no time leaning into Maree for some extra comfort. She’ll definitely get everything she needs as of yesterday, though it’s not yet clear when she’ll be discharged.

“I know. You’re going to be okay, though, we’re all here now.”

“Fern’s not…”

In the meantime, she's glancing over your shoulder like any other worried girl, no doubt hoping to get a glimpse of her bestie. You'd most likely do the same if it were you sitting in that bed, though certainly for a few familiar faces of your own.

“...Is she safe? Is she all right?”

“She's in my office, catching up on some schoolwork—”

“—They tried to take her away!”

The admission goes off like a firecracker in this otherwise quiet chamber, and it doesn't fail in making all four of you jolt at once.

“ 'They'? Who's they?”

“The weirdos who tried to take our ship!”

Weirdos. A childish term, but a plural one at that—and a sign that you might soon be getting somewhere.

“What weirdos, K.B.?”

Your datapad is out and primed a short while afterward as well, all the better to record all of the juicy details that Fern may have forgotten to mention—and, given that this witness already has a talent for recalling things a bit better than most folks her age, you’ve got a feeling that you’re on the edge of a breakthrough.

“I counted six of them at the time—I think they were part of Jodwick's old crew—and then they took Fern as a hostage.”

'Jodwick'...? You didn't expect that as a possible name for your stranger, but you also suppose that almost anything is a possibility for a case like this. Just to keep yourself from getting too distracted, though, you've still got to focus better on your notes.

“I see...that must have been very scary for you.”

There's still a bit of corroboration to pursue here, after all, and for that you've got to start hearing a similar story from K.B. in order to better believe Fern's...or if not, to start sniffing after what really took place.

“It was. All we wanted to do was get some coordinates and then take off, and—and they barged in.”

Maree’s stealing a look with Fara now, something you can’t exactly decipher because it’s so quick that you almost miss it. You’ll just have to ask her about this later, though, because you’re far from being finished here.

“Understandable, understandable...now, where exactly was this?”

“Just above Tak Rennod's vault. I—I think the planet was called Argann.”

A potentially dangerous treasure vault and an unfamiliar planet? Oh, but how this poor girl must have gone through it—

“—And you said that these other...people took Fern hostage?”

“They did.”

“How did she escape them?”

K.B. has to stop and think for a moment, a small pause for everyone else in this room during which the arrival of the tea becomes a welcome distraction—yet when she speaks up again, all four of you are certainly paying attention until the end.

“I think—no, I know—that the shadow of a lady appeared.”

“A shadow?”

“I think so. She was dark, dark all over with no eyes or mouth, none of that. Almost like she was made out of it, or something."

“ ‘Made out of shadows, no facial features’...okay. Keep going.”

“Okay, so then—so the lady put her hands together like she was holding something, or gripping it, I don't know—and then she spins around real fast, brings her hands down, and then—”

All four of you give a collective jump.

“The guy holding Fern loses his arm, he falls to the ground and starts howling, she runs back to us, and the next thing we know—”

You jolt in your seat a second time as there's a small, shrill beeping sound letting itself be heard somewhere in the center of the room. Your first instinct, if not also the only real one, is to go straight to K.B.'s side and make good use of that emergency call button. Her augs could easily be acting up again, after all, and for that reason alone, you're sure that no time should be wasted here.

To everyone's surprise, though? K.B.'s waving you off in seconds, her focus landing on the Undersecretary instead.

“It's not me, I’m fine,” she insists, pointing to something around Fara's wrist. “That’s what’s making all the noise.”

Sure enough, before any one of you can start asking questions or else look just as confused as you feel...the beeping is followed by an automated message, and only then do you find yourself feeling as though you're the one going cold.

“Attention. Attention. Security breach at the holding cells; please send back-up immediately.

I repeat, security breach at the holding cells; please send back-up immediately...”

[hazbinbrainrotimnotokay2]

Kay so crack theory #2

In episode 7, someone (I forget who lmao) mentions "how will we defeat them, just the 7 of us" as in the number seven. 7 years, 7 deadly sins, 7 episodes until that point, 7 rings of hell, 7 of them.

The number 7 clearly holds significance, but I won't get into any of this right now (or ever, i'm too lazy)

But the main point I want to make is, 7 deadly sins, 7 characters in the main/secondary-ish-main cast, and obviously the Seven Deadly Sins are characters in the show/Helluva Boss already but I mean each one probably like REPRESENTS one

Based on this picture I tentatively put together a list of who I think represents which sin and an explanation of why;

Lust: Angel (Pretty self explanatory but to expand on it, the quote for Lust, "Wanting it all, way too soon.", has so much to do with his character it's hard to get into, the whole reason he ended up firstly in hell and secondly with his soul signed away is because he wanted everything he'd never gotten the chance to have, the "way too soon" being his immediate jump to get what he thought would be freedom but turned out being the opposite, not thinking about the consequence of getting it as soon as possible rather than waiting)

Gluttony: Niffty (Her obsessiveness towards cleanliness and "bad boys", her thirsting for these obsessions to be met and fulfilled, she is gluttonous for the result of her compulsions, "Being excessive with your thirst for words." she wants to find the way to express herself and chose this masochistic way of taking orders and enjoying being forced to do things, along with forcing herself or feeling compelled to do things like kill bugs obsessively, like a hunger)

Wrath: Husk (His gambling issues, the attitude he has towards being free of his deal to Alastor, "Wanting to win so bad, you get ruthless in your endeavours." it's why he sold his soul off to Alastor in the first place, his longing to win as an overlord and involved in gambling caused him to find other solutions, to grow ruthless in his pursuit of success. Then, after making the deal, the way he challenges Alastor shows his ruthless attitude towards freeing himself eventually, to get out of their deal at last)

Sloth: Pentious (He doesn't ever try to change any way he does things until he's forced, he was very slow to change his attack strategy, slow to confess to Cherri, slow to actually redeem himself, though he agreed to do so rather quickly, "Being too slow to publish." he is almost lazy and most certainly cowardly in the way he goes about life, he may not be the epitome of Sloth, but still quite similar)

Envy: Vaggie (She tries so hard to be the perfect partner for Charlie, and you can see her getting upset/jealous of Emily when she and Charlie hold hands in episode 6, she's also trying to pretend she's not a fallen angel, "Trying too hard to be like someone else." the someone else being the perfect person that she was supposed to be before she was cast down to hell and for Charlie)

Pride: Charlie (Because her father is king of the pride ring for one, secondly because she puts herself and what she believes is good for her people ahead of rational thinking any consequences her actions may cause towards the safety of hell as a whole, "Focusing on you, when there's a lot more territory to cover.")

Greed: Alastor (He certainly cares more about his own personal gain than for anyone else, his *audience*, as we see in Ep.8 with his piece in Finale, "Caring more about personal gains than your audience." encapsulates his need to be all powerful and discard his attachments in order to do so, to leave his audience behind in the hope of doing so)

This probably made no sense and sounds like me rambling but uhh yeah. @costco-poutine Thanks for cursing me with this idea for a theory and helping me write these out.

[religion-is-a-mental-illness]

New Rule: Whoa, Canada | Real Time with Bill Maher

And finally, New Rule. If we want to save our country, we should follow the advice good liberals have given for decades and learn from other countries.

Especially those beacons of progressivism like Canada, England, and Scandinavia, and I agree we should, as long as we're honest about the lessons we're learning. And as long as we're up to date on the current data. Such as, the unemployment rate in the US is 3.8 percent. And in Canada, it's 6.1. And of the 15 North American cities with the worst air pollution, 14 are in Canada.

I'm not citing these stats because I have it out for Canada. I love Canada, and its people, and always have, but I hate zombie lies. Zombie lies. That's when things change but what people say about them doesn't. Yes, for decades, places like Vancouver, and Amsterdam, and Stockholm seemed idyllic, because everything was free and all the energy we needed was produced by riding a bike to your job at the windmill. Canada was where all the treasured goals of liberalism worked perfectly. It was like NPR come to life but with poutine.

Canada was the Statue of Liberty with a low-maintenance haircut and cross-country skis. A giant idealized blue state with single-payer health care, gun control, and abortion on polite demand. Canada was where every woke White college kid, wearing pajama pants outdoors who'd had it up to here with America's racist patriarchy, dreamt of living someday. I mean, besides Gaza.

There's only one problem with thinking everything's better in Canada. It's not. Not anymore anyway. Last year, Canada added 1.3 million people, which is a lot in one year. The equivalent of the US adding 11 million migrants in one year. And now, they are experiencing a housing crisis even worse than ours. And we're sleeping in tents. The median price of a home here is 346 grand, in Canada, converted to US dollars, it's 487. If Barbie moved to Winnipeg, she wouldn't be able to afford her dream house and Ken would be working at Tim Hortons. And because of mortgage debt, Canada has the highest debt to GDP ratio of any G7 nation. I don't know what that means, but it sounds bad.

So does their vaunted health care system, which ranks dead last among high income countries in access to primary health care and ability to see a doctor in a day or two. And it's not for lack of spending. Of the 30 countries with universal coverage, Canada spends over 13 percent of its economy on it, which is a lot of money for free health care.

Look, I'm not saying Canada still isn't a great country. It is, but those aren't paradise numbers. If Canada was an apartment, the lead feature might be "America adjacent." And if America was a rental car, Canada would be "America or similar."

And again, honestly, Canada, I'm not saying any of this 'cause I enjoy it. I don't, 'cause I've always enjoyed you. But I need to cite you as a cautionary tale to help my country. And the moral of that tale is, "Yes, you can move too far left." And when you do, you wind up pushing the people in the middle to the right. At its worst, Canada is what American voters think happens when there's no one putting a check on extreme wokeness.

Like the saga of Canadian shop teacher, Kayla Lemieux, whose pronouns are she/her and those. Kayla is now back to being a guy named Kerry, but two years ago when "they" showed up to teach children, the progressive high school "they" taught at said that they-- They, the school, not the person. Really? You couldn't have found another word? We were using that one. Anyway, okay. They were committed to a safe environment for gender expression. Safe for who? What about the children? What about the equipment in that shop class?

You know, there was once a weirdo D-list movie producer in the '60s named Russ Meyer who made low-budget B movies like Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill! And Beyond the Valley of the Dolls. Always featuring women who look like this. His movies played in porn houses and were featured in Hustler and Playboy. Okay, fine, but who says, "No, when it comes to huge, ridiculous tits, let's save that for the kids."

And this is why people vote for Trump. They say in politics, liberals are the gas pedal and conservatives are the brakes, and I'm generally with the gas pedal, but not if we're driving off a cliff.

On the trans issue, America is no ands, ifs, or buts about it, absolutely alone in the world now. An outlier country. Last month, England's National Health Service announced that there's "not enough evidence to support the safety or clinical effectiveness" of puberty blockers for third graders, and that they were going to stop fumbling around with children's privates, because that's Prince Andrew's job.

So too with all the other good place countries in direct opposition to America's choice to affirm children's wishes on switching gender, no matter the age or psychiatric history. The Far Left, which always like to use, "Well, Europe does it." Yeah, no, that doesn't work on this one anymore.

Or on immigration. Sweden opened its borders to over a million and a half immigrants since 2010. And now 20 percent of its citizens are foreign-born and its education system is tanking, and it has Europe's highest rate of gangland killings. And one result is that the far-right parties are in the government now there for the first time.

To which liberals say, "Blaming immigrants for the rising crime rate is racist." Yeah, but is it true? Of course, it's true. It's not a coincidence. The quality of life went down after the Somali gangs started a drug turf war using hand grenades.

Calling it "racist" doesn't solve the problem. It hands future elections to someone who will solve the problem, and who, I promise, you're not going to like.

==

For the record, I've said literally all of this, including making the comparison of flying off a cliff if you rely entirely on the gas pedal. Just saying.

When Trump takes office again, and he will, people will act stunned and ask, "how could this have ever happened?"

[pastafossa]

Stumbling and crashing and tripping with various crashes and a Wilhelm scream into your askbox to ask, YOU PLAY BG3????? ISN'T IT GREAT?!?!?!! I LOVE IT SO MUCH AKSHQKXBQ it's been my Focus since December!!! Who's your favorite so far?? How far are you in?? What kind of route are you doing?? Have you discovered any funny loopholes yet?? What race do you favor playing?? I LOVE to hear about other peoples playthroughs,

IT'S GODDAMN AMAZING AND I ALREADY HAVE MULTIPLE PLAYTHROUGHS PLANNED BECAUSE ONCE IS NOOOOT ENOUGH! I AM IN LOVE. Like I know these types of games (I've been a Bioware slut since KOTOR 2, so I looove this genre), and so I feel very confident saying holy shit, BG3 is one of the best! ALSO IT'S HUGE??? INSANELY HUGE??? AND FULL??? I LOVE IT SM.

Oh god favorites are hard, I'm gd attached to all of these little ducklings following my Tav. So far at least, storywise it's SCRATCH HE IS THE BESTEST BOY maaaybe Astarion. I LOVE his arc, his voicework is stunning, (I accidentally killed him with the big monastery laser and his reaction was hysterical) and his quest has been very moving. A close second is KARLACH, MY GIRL, MY FIREY BFF, like damn I HAD my little battle group (Gale + Astarion + Wyll) when I found her but I adore her so much I'm rotating Gale and Wyll to keep her permanently, SHE JUST WANTED A HUG. 😭

I'm in act 3, I just hit the city! I have no idea how but I am also STILL on my first PT after over a month of play. I love to sniff around under every nook and cranny granted, AND YET I STILL MISSED THINGS, IT'S SO BIG???

So far my route has been a chaotic good route! Outside, uh, occasional murdery hiccups goodbye creche but ya'll were assholes I've mostly managed to follow that alignment, and somehow still made friends with Lae? That was unexpected. I thought she hated my Tav's guts before she hit on her. 😂

Hilarious moments: setting off the giant laser at the monastery cause why wouldn't I grab the shiny weapon (sorry Astarion); being instakilled by Vlaakith at said monastery after basically mocking her with 'if you were really a god you'd be able to just kill someone yourself ha ha-splat'; friends telling me to talk to animals so I got excited when I saw a squirrel and ran to talk to it - it proceeded to bite me, then I failed a persuasion roll about being friends and it told me to fuck off; trying to get to that dwarf lady's husband in the Underdark and shooting an arrow at one of the mushrooms in the field he was in, thinking I could clear them one by one to get to him, only to set off a chain reaction that incinerated him and left the entire field a smoking crater (me as the explosions begin: oh, OH, oh no - wait, sir! Sir! Oh you're fine, you're - oh fuck, RUN SIR RU-shit he's dead); placing my druid in rothe/battle cow shape at the top of a ladder and charging whatever bad guy comes up so they fall back down (catchphrase: MOO, BITCH); and finally, I was having trouble with that one boss guy in the goblin camp, the one that sits on the throne. So when I saw I could get to the rafters, I painstakingly dragged every last explosive barrel and grenade I could find into the room and innocently placed them around the throne, then went up to the rafters and had Astarion shoot a fire arrow. I figured I'd at least bring the guy's health down but instead I set off the fourth of july, blasted that guy so hard he bounced around the room like a pinball before his body wound up glitch-stuck halfway through a wall, but hey, dead as a doornail sooo... it worked? Chaotic good alignment: MASTERED. 🤪

I'm playing a half-elf druid CAUSE I CAN BE AN OWLBEAR OR DINOSAUR TO FIGHT. I now have a chance to run around as a dinosaur druid with my 200 yo elf boyfriend, my BFFs, and find random bowls of poutine, this is the BEST GAME EVER. Also hilariously, I didn't check the stats closely and her intelligence wound up quite low, so she is very wise but also dumb as a bag of hammers, I love her, my first Tav is a good-hearted, unintentional bundle of chaos.

[redlettermediathings]

It finally happened! The day that we received a package from Breen was the best day since the pandemic started. The slim package that arrived in our mailbox was like a little slice of heaven sent to us from above. A simple mailer that held the truth of which we sought. Cinema. Kino. Joy. I looked at the package, my brow sweating with anticipation. I pursed my lips as I often do in the delicious moments before sipping an ice cold beer. This was just as good. Maybe better. The mailer was that of a simple man. It wasn’t a fancy mailer. It wasn’t padded nor did it have a design on it. In fact, the mailer the DVD arrived in was a cut up cereal box held together with duct tape. I smiled and whispered to myself, “That’s the cup of a carpenter…”. It was here. We received the new Neil Breen film. Was this a Blu-ray? No. This was a DVD-R burned on a computer. I smelled the disc and the jewel case. It smelled like 2003. I cried at the beauty of the whole embarrassing ordeal. It was like a hug from an old friend who had long since passed. A friend you never wanted to see again or allow to hug you. In my hand I held the new Neil Breen film. I couldn’t wait to show the guys! I called Colin from Canada and told him to run to RLM HQ right quick to watch the film with us. He said, “oh, I’ve already seen it. It’s terrible.” And I called him a poutine-slurping, caesar-sipping canuck fuck and told him to get down here to Wisconsin right quick. He responded by saying, “I’ve got work and I’m watching my elderly neighbors diabetic cats and…” I just cut him off. I said, “Look you fucking prick, I have it. Let’s watch it!" So he did come down, albeit unwillingly. What are Neil Breen films? They are moopies made by a man who is the weirdest man to ever live. He’s the perfect oblivious filmmaker. Never getting better or evolving, only getting worse and more lazy and more old and more grandpa jeans. Neil Breen’s films are always about a loner man that has special skills or knowledge above all other humans. There is often a babe involved in his films, although the sexuality is awkwardly placed and seems forced. The women usually look incredibly uncomfortable at the notion of being in love or even attracted to Neil Breen. Likewise, any romance on his part seems obligatory. I guess the thought is that a movie needs “romance” so he must add “romance” But he’s no James Bond! Since this was Breen, we assumed this was worthy of a Best of the Worst™ Spotlight™ episode. It couldn’t simply be lumped into a regular three movie episode. Boy, were we fucking wrong. This pile of trash couldn’t have been more disappointing. Breen has gone too far this time with the green screens! Who does he think he is!?! Peter Jackson? George Lucas? James Cameron?!? I mean, sure you can use a green screen sometimes… if you’re making a fucking Avengers movie!!! But come on! Literally every background, outdoor location, and room is a stock image. A flat shot without movement. I can say that at the very least in some shots he created a foreground mask to make characters integrated into the frame by putting them behind objects, but really? While the story sucks, the acting is bad, it’s boring and shitty, it’s still a Neil Breen film and we have to love it as if it was our own cross-eyed inbred baby with no limbs. Anyways, while I have you here, I own a timeshare in the Cayman Islands. It’s in a nice part of town, but it’s basically a 1.6 million dollar shack. One of the owners killed himself recently and now I’m stuck with paying his part due to a legal snafu. I don’t quite understand it, but my lawyer Phillip Gorlon (no relation) tells me it’ll cost me more in legal fees to get out of this timeshare than to just keep it. I tells him that I’m strapped for cash at the moment, what with the cost of eggs, covid tests, etc… so my question to you is: Do you think Neil Breen might want to shoot his next film in the Cayman Islands?

[shiny-parsnips]

I am at my wits end with this fucking game. Y’know I download a game from my childhood, all peachy and fun until I find Sago Mini Diner. Oh my fucking god I can’t even with this game do you understand. As I carry out orders everything’s fine and dandy until. I’m out of potatoes. No problem, I say, and I keep scrolling around until I find a truck that delivers food. Perfect, I say, and I take it into the restaurant. I’m scouring through it. No potatoes. I’m like okay no problem. It has a bread sticker on it anyway that’s for carbs. Fine. I keep unloading the truck bc it keeps popping out boxes. This one has an apple on it. Okay, I say, and I take it into the diner and. No potatoes. Fuck. Things are getting bad. I keep unloading the truck. NO POTATOES. But then I see potted plants with vegetables in it. Perfect! I shout. I pick them off, water them with a rain cloud, and. NO. POTATOES. CAN YOU FUCKING BELIEVE THIS. IM SO DONE. My customer wants poutine but I CANT MAKE HER POUTINE. IM SORRY, SQUEAKY, I CANT GIVE YOU YOUR FUCKING POUTINE RIGHT NOW, IM OUT OF FUCKING POTATOES. Alright. Fine. Until I get more potatoes, I’ll just do everyone else’s orders. But LO AND BEHOLD: EVERYONE. WANTS. POTATOES. FRENCH FRIES, POUTINE, BAKED POTATOES, SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have been scrambling, I am at my wits end. DO YOU UNDERSTAND. THE PAIN. THE TORTURE I HAVE GONE THROUGH. DO YOU??????????????? I CANT FUCKING TAKE IT ANYMORE until. Salad…? Okay, I can make salad no problem. ………… There is NO SALAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??????? NO SALAD EITHER??????? So now I am scrambling, at my wits end NOT FOR POTATOES THIS TIME, BUT FUCKING SALAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I CANT FUCKING TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!!! THERE IS SHIT ALL OVER THE FLOOR. IM TALKING LIKE BOXES OF SHIT AND OTHER PRODUCE. I HAVE RAW FUCKING MEAT SITTING ON THE FLOOR BECAUSE I CANT FUCKING FIND ANYTHING IN THESE GODDAMN BOXES. I HAVE BEEN DIGGING THROUGH THEM AS FAST AS I CAN, EVERY TIME I TRY AND SCROLL I THROW FUCKING FOOD EVERYWHERE. THIS IS A MESS. A MESS, DO YOU HEAR ME????????? I CANT FUCKING TAKE IT ANYMORE. LIKE JESUS FUCKING CHRIST IM SORRY WE HAVE A POTATO SHORTAGE BUT STOP FUCKING ASKING FOR POTATOES!!!!!!!!!!! AND THEN MY COWORKERS ARE ASSHOLES TOO. SHUT THE FUCK UP ROBIN, I DONT CARE HOW MUCH YOU DONT GET PAID, DO YOU SEE WHAT I HAVE TO DO AS THE CHEF MF??? ALL YOU DO IS STAND AROUND, LA DI DA, BLAH BLAH BLAH MY LIFE IS SO BORING AND SO BAD I WISH I COULD BE WITH MY BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!! IM SO SICK OF YOU ROLLING YOUR EYES EVERY TIME I DELIVER FOOD. PLEASE END YOUR LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!! Christ. I will never recover from this fucking game. I’ve had it up to here. HERE. I can’t do this anymore.

@gininabin @mistery-elijah

[thetragicallynerdy]

hiyaaa! it's fungi anon back after a few months! i entirely missed pride month :( but not disability pride month!!! so happy disability pride month!!!!! if it isn't too much, can you please rank your favourite traditional woodland creatures (think badger, fox, rabbit etc)? please have this little patchwork heatmat i made the other day! it is made of triangles!!!!

ohhh hello fungi anon!!! it's so good to hear from you buddy <3 that's okay, i missed a lot of pride month too, but yay disability pride month!!

okay hell yes i can. i started this and immediately realized i can't do like, "here's my least fav and here's my most fav," so they're all just getting a ranking on a scale of 1-10. (and i know you meant small creatures maybe but some big ones get included) i will probably forget some of them, and these are Very Canadian, but here goes:

bunny rabbits - 9/10. My favourite little guys. Every time I see one in the city it's like the most magical thing.

foxes - 12/10. Right now I am kind of obsessed with them. Scrungly little guys who can look so elegant or SO sad. Extra points for how rare they are to see.

moose - 6/10. So I have to go up north a bit to see them, but it's SO neat when you see one. Lower points for being dangerous as hell lol.

bears - 100000/10. HAVE I MENTIONED I LOVE BEARS. Also super dangerous and I don't actually want to see one up close but I adore them, they are perfect and can do many things wrong but I forgive them anyway.

squirrels - 4/10. Hilarious bastards. Get into everything. Listen when I was a kid I wanted to be a squirrel, I love them so much, but also they're kind of the worst and one time I had one run up my leg trying to get to the poutine I was eating so really I am justified in the ranking they get

coyotes - 10/10. Look I know they have a bad rep but I adore them. They're so neat!! Highly recommend people giving coyote nature books a read, they're a fascinating species. (I've only read most of Coyote America and it was v good, with big warnings that like, animal death is a big part of it)

badgers - 7/10. Round. Very shape. Honestly I know almost nothing about them, but they get extra points because the videos of badgers and coyotes being friends and hunting together is my favourite thing.

deer - 7/10. Seeing deer is always kind of magical as a city kid. However, I know they're also kind of pests, so, they get a lower rating.

turkeys - 3/10. Listen. I love turkeys. They're hilarious. However. They are LOUD and also did you know they nest in the very top of trees?? It is very disconcerting to walk through the woods and hear turkey gobbles coming from like 20 feet above you

That's all I can remember without googling XD

Thank you for the lovely ask friend!!! And thank you for the beautiful heatmat, it's so cool!!! I love patchwork stuff :D

For you I have a lot of fresh dill, because I have an abundance of it in my garden right now. And if you don't like dill, then I have a banana choc chip muffin for you instead <3

Have a lovely evening friend <3

[theskeletonprior]

Commissions Open!

With November coming to an end, I'm pleased to announce that my writing commissions are OPEN! With the work I do, I have a dreadful gap of four weeks where there won't be any pay except for from gigs like this, so I need help making ends meet until my next work opportunities in January. That's where my good old brainrot cure comes in. If you've ever wondered why a story won't write itself, well... There's a way! Just hire a dead guy to do it for you. <3 I’m especially good at nailing character voices, hurt/comfort, polyamory, and subtle moments of intimacy. While I don’t mind writing intimate scenes, I don’t accept graphic NSFW requests, non-con, or underage. When in doubt, just check in with me first! You can message me here on Tumblr, or email me at theskeletonprior@gmail.com.

The hellsite, as I’m sure you know, does eat asks and such sometimes, so if you don’t hear back, don’t be afraid to reach out again! I also do cute little pdf layouts, so if you have a story you love and that you'd like to have a nice version of for your phone, I'm happy to put one together for you for a fee.

Price List (CAD)

1000 words for $20 1500 words for $35 2000 words for $45 Pro rate for writers these days is $0.08 per word, so my commission rates are an absolute steal. Our dollar is also a little bit trash here in the land of maple syrup and poutine or whatever, so if you happen to trade in eagle bux, even better for you! My commissions help me pay for things like sertraline, funding for my ongoing effort to be reunited with my beloved husband, the occasional good meal, and resources for my work as a professional Dungeon Master (I can’t believe that one either). So hire a dead guy, and help support a queer creative. I also donate any tips to Gaza Funds.

If you’re looking for a longer work, feel free shoot me an email at theskeletonprior@gmail.com and we’ll chat. Words are what I do.

Work Samples

You can read all my Tav Tales to date here on AO3, but here are some of the highlights.

To Live in Infamy (2k Durgetash)

The morning, Enver is lucky enough to have pants on. The Slayer snaps his chains as it comes screaming into the daylight, barrelling out of the bed. The force of Infamy’s awakening sends Enver rolling onto the floor, narrowly missing being crushed by the bedframe. He’s tangled in their sheets, and already lamenting that they’ll need to be replaced. This silk had come all the way from Waterdeep. That’s his first thought, even with his heart pounding in his ears. He struggles to free himself, but the Slayer isn’t coming for him. There’s the acrid smell of half-cast sorcery, and then the screaming starts. When something warm and wet splashes onto him, soaking through the sheets, Enver hopes it’s blood. The crunching of bones and the smell of bright copper gives him a little hope that it’s not something worse. It wouldn’t be the first time a would be assassin emptied their stomach or their bowels in terror before the Slayer. Enver unrolls himself at last, leaning back on his elbows to enjoy the show, even as the blood—and thank goodness it is blood—soaks through his nice sheets. The mess quite nearly defies description.

Callus (2k Tav/Astarion/Halsin)

“Oh, my dear, what a miserable turn of events.” Astarion kisses Lukan’s hair gently. “I could probably catch up with him, you know. Plenty of good alleyways in this end of town to drag him into, get him acquainted with my nice new boots. Sturdy enough to kick a man entirely to death.” “You got new boots?” Lukan can’t help a watery smile, desperate to redirect the conversation. He doesn’t want Thindulion killed. It had been bad enough to bury his mother, and as much as he wants to hate his father for abandoning them, he hates the thought of being orphaned even more. And now he knows he has a sister, and he couldn’t put her through that. “That’s beside the point,” Astarion says. “I’m asking if a little spot of patricide might cheer you up.” Lukan shakes his head. “It’s not like that,” he says. He wants to try to make light, to play along with Astarion’s flippant turn of phrase, but it’s just too heavy. It doesn’t go unnoticed. “I might have another idea, in that case,” Astarion tells him. “Why don’t you have a sit on the bed, get those boots off, and I’ll be back, having done precisely no murders, I promise.”

In the Spider’s Parlor (3.5k Tav/Kar'niss)

She peers over her shoulder at him and then rolls her head, exposing more of her neck. Suddenly his need, that wretched appetite, is not as hideous as it has been, he feels no disgust for what he wants, for the curse that makes him want it. There’s only this moment. He nips lightly, slipping his arms around her, embracing the warmth. He reaches out with his forelegs, feeling her, holding her securely as he had done that first time. He’s heard the sound she makes when letting blood, and now he knows it for what it is. Pleasure. His purr rumbles low in his chest, but he never bites, lapping softly at the thin rivulet of blood that wells from where he’s nipped her, one delectable drop at a time. Solinore reaches up, one hand tangling in his hair, relaxing in his grip. “What you ask of me, is yours,” Kar’niss says, applying pressure to the nick he’d made to stop what little bleeding he’d caused. “You sure?” she asks, playfully. “I could ask for another ride on your back. Or…” He knows what that smirk implies. “What you ask of me,” he says again, “is yours.”

[haytemeallyouwant]

The bar wasn’t as full as it would be on the weekends which made Jamie happy. She wanted to relax, drink and enjoy the night not have to deal with weirdos coming up to them. Grabbing a table in the back she bad ordered a round before Britt could pull her card out. “This one’s on me.” She said offering a smile as the drinks were brought. She could see someone out of the corner of her eye staring and shot the man a look that was enough to make him sit back down. 

“I really love the denim and looks like it was a hit with the fans too.” She picked up her glass and took a sip from it. This was the norm for them for awhile now. Britt even teasingly calling it date night on her socials. Jamie smile and check over the menu. “You want a snack so you aren’t drinking on an empty stomach? I’m thinking poutine.” @drbbakerdmd

[mintyisms]

Baddie SMP Starters 8

the one with the quest for the elytra

"I think you are a baddie after all."

"I had no idea you could throw your voice like that."

"I'm back at our old house. I'm gonna light it on fire."

"I'm gonna kill every last chicken and sheep in here."

"Have you ever made love in a club before?"

"I talk in an abcdefg rhyme scheme."

"You can't assume everyone sweats, but you can assume everyone showers."

"I'm just very passionate, I'm not angry."

"Get this chicken out of my house."

"That's a very personal question. I don't know why you thought it was okay to ask that."

"I like that it's poetic and you can't really tell what he's talking about."

"This is a no-flex zone."

"I'm just hanging out because I'm bored."

"Autotune won't help you."

"That's a nice, satisfying sound right there."

"I was born in the wrong generation."

"What are you gonna do? Make a tiktok about it?"

"If I was a funnier guy, I would jump off this right now for comedic purposes."

"That was so crazy my balls dropped."

"I guess I'm kind of stupid, in a sense."

"You're like a cat when they're crouched behind something but you can still see them. I can see you."

"Check out how fucking scared I'm about to be."

"Someone just gifted me a Subway sandwich."

"Someone just gifted me a subscription to Men's Health magazine."

"I don't think you should do it, but you should do it."

"You don't have any tattoos, so my dad doesn't think you're a bad influence."

"I don't want to tell him how to raise his kids."

"Have you ever thought about a shirt?"

"That Shania Twain song was about minecraft."

"Can you get my stuff? It's on top of a roof."

"Anyone who thinks that must be JK and Rowling on the floor laughing."

"Not everyone jerks off at the taco restaurant like you."

"Don't suck off the messenger."

"I'll have you know I have a college degree."

"I've tested positive for sex."

"So now we're just cheating, huh?"

"I just dodged all of these like I'm fucking Neo."

"Not everything is chips and poutine."

"Babies need to be hot to the touch at all times."