#I want him to be my irl boyfriend
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Shovel Talk(s) Part One
Part One 🦇Part Two🦇Part Three🦇Part Four
Steve and Eddie aren't even together when Steve gets the Shovel Talk from Eddie's uncle, but it is what tips Steve into talking to Eddie about his feelings, so he's not upset by it.
They aren't dating, not because he doesn't want Eddie, because he absolutely does. It's just that he wants to be sure Eddie wants him back. There are times when he's sure, when Eddie gets into his space a bit too close, or more often, than he does with anyone else. Eddie calls him a thousand and one nicknames, ranging from sweet to irritating but just when Steve thinks that's a perk left just for him, Eddie hands someone else a new nickname (just the one, a voice in Steve's head that sounds suspiciously like Robin says).
Not that any of that is the point. Wayne wouldn't bother to give Steve a shovel talk at all unless he knew how Eddie felt. Wayne is a man of action, and he's never done anything unless it mattered. Meant something. Steve and Wayne have sat in plenty of (what Steve considers to be) awkward silences because Wayne doesn't talk to fill the void of silence.
The point is, Steve drops Eddie off at the house the government so graciously bought for the Munsons, walks Eddie to the door and giving Eddie a hug goodbye. He stays on the porch until Eddie shuts the door and then nearly jumps out of his skin when he hears Wayne call out his name.
"Harrington," Wayne says from the shadows of the wrap around porch.
So, Steve jumps and it's only then he notices that Wayne is sitting at the table and chairs set up on the porch. "Mr. Munson, sir, hi. Hello."
Wayne lets out a chuckle, but it doesn't really sound amused. "I have come to accept that you are nothing like your father, boy, but I do want to make it clear to you, that Eddie means more to me than anything else on this Earth."
"I know, sir."
"I know you do. And while I will forever be grateful that you helped return him to me alive, know that I will not hesitate to make you disappear if you hurt my boy in a way he can't bounce back from."
Steve's not afraid of Wayne, not really, but that doesn't stop him from feeling the need to flee. He doesn't, though, because he'd gotten enough shovel talks from concerned parents in high school, and he knows they can sense weakness. "I can't promise I'd never hurt him, sir, but I can promise it'll never be intentional."
He can't actually see Wayne's face in the darkness but he feels sized up all the same.
"I believe that, Steve," Wayne says, and it's the first time Steve's ever heard his name leave the man's mouth, "now go home."
-
Wayne's shovel talk was expected. Robin's is not.
"You took Eddie on a date date?" She whispers it as though they aren't alone in Steve's living room. They're laying on the floor in a line, heads next to each other so if they turn slightly to the side they can make eye contact. Steve's not sure why they always end up on the floor for Serious Talk Time.
"Yeah," Steve says, looking away from Robin's face to stare up to the ceiling, "I mean, sorta? We can't like... be open that it was a date, but we went to dinner and a movie and it was nice. Shared a popcorn and played footsie under the diner table."
"Whoa," Robin says. "I never thought you'd- didn't think you'd be brave enough to ask him."
"Me either."
"Steve," Robin sounds serious, so Steve turns to look at her. She studies his face for a moment before she's the one to look away, speaks to the ceiling, "be careful with Eddie, yeah?"
"What? Careful how?"
"I just think you could really fuck him up," Robin says. "You're his first boyfriend, right? That's going to set a precedent for relationships that might happen if you two don't work out. And I hate to say this, because I know you've changed, but like, I saw how a lot of those girls you dated in high school ended up when you broke up with them."
Steve's a little hurt, because Robin's his best friend. She should be giving this talk to Eddie, not him. But, also, he understands. He knows that Robin knew about Eddie's sexuality before he did, knows they bonded over being queer while Steve was still figuring himself out.
Steve also knows that Eddie's never been in a relationship before, Eddie'd told him at much when Steve asked him out. Steve doesn't like that Robin implied that he and Eddie will eventually break up, but no matter how much that thought makes Steve's heart ache, he won't know if it'll happen unless it does.
He just doesn't understand why she seems to think he'll be the one breaking Eddie's heart. It could go the other way.
"Did you OD over there?" Robin asks, trying to lighten the mood.
"No," Steve answers, "I'll be careful."
-
They've been on four more dates before Nancy knocks on his door. She doesn't accept his invitation to come inside. Just starts speaking on his doorstep.
"As Eddie's Capital P Soulmate," is how she starts that sentence, and it makes something hurt deep inside Steve as he tries not to think about Robin, "I am obligated to remind you that I do own several guns now. And I don't miss."
"Jesus Christ," Steve says, because even Wayne was more subtle, "I got it."
"Good. I do know you'd never hurt him on purpose," Nancy says but Steve doesn't feel reassured.
He thinks that, if she really didn't think he's going to end up hurting Eddie she wouldn't have said anything at all. "Right."
"Well, good talk Steve," and then she's walking down the driveway and climbing into her car.
He closes the door and goes to the kitchen to get himself a beer, mostly so he has something to do besides stew in his emotions. He wonders if Eddie has been given the shovel talk, too? Maybe Robin did the same thing Nancy just did. Showed up unprompted, threatened Eddie with some sort of bodily harm, and then just left.
Steve grabs the phone and dials Eddie's number.
"Hello?" Eddie's voice greets him, albeit questioningly.
"Eddie, it's Steve."
"Oh, hello sweetheart," Eddie says, "are you calling for business or pleasure?"
Steve laughs, "business."
"Boo!"
"Listen, uh, I had a question. I just wanted to know if anyone's said anything to you. About us. Or, y'know, specifically about us and our relationship?"
"Uh, not really? A few congratulations, I guess. Why? Did someone say something?" Eddie's voice is level, almost too level, so Steve knows he's trying to keep cool.
"Oh, no! No! I mean, aside from the scary shovel talk from- Wayne, everyone's been surprisingly cool about it. Very supportive," Steve says and even though it's true, everyone they've told has been cool about it, it feels a little bit like a lie.
Eddie laughs, "I can't believe my uncle gave you a shovel talk! You know, I keep expecting to get one from Robin but so far nothing. She must think you're safe in my capable hands."
Steve is safe in Eddie's hand, he thinks, but that doesn't stop the sting that goes through him. "Of course, she does. You've been a perfect boyfriend."
There's a pause before Eddie's voice comes through the phone, soft and quiet, "I'm glad you said so. I want to be. For you."
"You're not allowed to say those kinds of things when you aren't within kissing distance, babe," Steve says, because if he doesn't add humor to this conversation, he's going to tell Eddie he loves him instead, and even Steve knows that saying that a month into dating is too soon, especially over the phone where he can't see Eddie's reaction.
Eddie laughs and makes kissing sounds at him before the conversation shifts to chatting about the day and making plans for the weekend.
-
Steve is trying really hard to not be the person he was in high school but every time he gets to the point where he's being a better person, someone brings up how he used to be. Shoves it back into his face that no matter what Steve does he can't outrun his past.
One such time is shortly after Steve and Eddie accidentally come out as a couple to all of Hellfire. Steve was just dropping off the boys and had stepped inside to chat a bit. Once game time had arrived it had and Steve made to leave, they'd (he and Eddie) had been on autopilot. Eddie'd whined 'where's my goodbye kiss?' and Steve had stepped over, kissed him goodbye, and was out the door before it had actually computed.
Steve had burst back through the door, rushing back to Eddie, because no way in Hell was he going to leave his boyfriend to deal with whatever the consequences would be alone.
It had been absolute chaos at the table with people shouting over each other.
"Of all the people you could be with, you picked Steve!? You could do better!" Mike had whined, and Steve had thought for sure he was the only one who had heard Mike until he saw Will punch his arm and hiss his own 'don't be a dick' at Mike.
It took almost half an hour to calm everyone down. It was a relief to know that Eddie had come out to his bandmates/the older Hellfire members already. The kids took it in stride, in the end, and Eddie had shoo'd Steve away.
Jeff had excused himself, too, and Steve thought he was just going to use the bathroom but instead he followed Steve outside.
Ah. Steve knows what's coming.
"Harrington," Jeff says, "can't say I'm excited that you're the secret boyfriend Eddie's constantly sighing wistfully about. I'm sure Wayne's already threatened you," And Robin, and Nancy, and Mike doesn't think he's good enough, "but if you hurt Eddie-"
"I get it! There will be dire consequences if I hurt Eddie," Steve snaps, not down for hearing it anymore. He stomps to his car and peels away from the curb without bothering to look back.
-
If he's being honest, Steve didn't even know he had a breaking point with shovel talks until he gets his fifth one from Dustin.
It's not even a shovel talk. It's just a single sentence, said almost a month after Dustin learned about their relationship. He's dropping Dustin off after their DnD game. Normally Claudia picks him up, but she's busy tonight and asked Steve to do it.
"Alright, Henderson, safely delivered."
"Thanks, Steve," Dustin says, unbuckles his seatbelt, and opens the door, before turning back to Steve. He just looks at him for a moment.
"What?"
"I'm happy for you and Eddie. Just, don't hurt him, ok?"
He nods his head but can't say anything. Dustin grabs his backpack, shoots him a smile, and climbs out. Steve does wait until Dustin closes the front door behind him before putting the car back in gear.
He manages to get home, somehow, because Steve doesn't fully remember the drive. It's not that his mind was so focused on something else that made him fail to take in his surroundings, but rather that his mind wasn't even a part of his body anymore.
One moment he was pulling away from the Henderson residence, and the next, he was home, just standing in his kitchen in the dark. And now that his thoughts are back, or easier to process, he finds himself wondering why everyone thinks that he's going to be the one to hurt Eddie.
How many people has he hurt that this is his reputation? Is it inevitable that he will hurt Eddie? Is it truly just a matter of time until he breaks Eddies heart? Why is everyone so convinced that he will?
Briefly the thought occurs to him that maybe he should call up Eddie and break up with him right now, before Eddie has a chance to get in deep enough that Steve could break his heart, but just the thought of it breaks Steve's heart, so he's not going to do that. Doesn't want to do that. That would just be punishing Eddie for something he didn't do.
None of this is Eddie's fault, and Steve's an asshole for even thinking of breaking up with him because of it. Which feeds him back into the loop of thinking that maybe everyone is right about him. He is an asshole and will someday hurt Eddie, perhaps even on purpose.
He loves Eddie. He's in love with Eddie. But does loving him mean proving his friends wrong? Or does it mean leaving him before they're proven right?
He wants to ask everyone why they think he'll hurt Eddie.
He wants to ask everyone why they don't care if he's the one that gets hurt.
#steddie#my fic#we like making steve a sad emotional mess right guys?#steve-centric#we gotta make the boy Sad so that his boyfriend can fix him#is that healthy? not IRL but this is fanfic and if i want Love to solve all the problems then im allowed to do that#only itll be in part two#that might get written one day#is steve putting words into his friends' mouths#yeah duh the boy needs therapy but its the 80s so hes not getting any
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I miss his blood.
I want to cut him open, eat all of his insides, drink his blood and break his ribs to eat his heart.
I miss him so much I want to bite his neck and rip out a piece of his flesh.
Everytime I kiss his neck and slightly bite it I get to rough because I bite 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝒷𝒾𝓉𝑒 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝒷𝒾𝓉𝑒 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝒷𝒾𝓉𝑒 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝒷𝒾𝓉𝑒 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝒷𝒾𝓉𝑒 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝒷𝒾𝓉𝑒 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝒷𝒾𝓉𝑒 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝒷𝒾𝓉𝑒 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝒷𝒾𝓉𝑒 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝒷𝒾𝓉𝑒 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝒷𝒾𝓉𝑒 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝒷𝒾𝓉𝑒 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝒷𝒾𝓉𝑒 𝒶𝓃𝒹 bite and bite and bite and bite and bite and bite and bite and bite and bite and bite puɐ ǝʇıq puɐ ǝʇıq puɐ ǝʇıq puɐ ǝʇıq puɐ ǝʇıq puɐ ǝʇıq puɐ ǝʇıq puɐ ǝʇıq puɐ ǝʇıq puɐ ǝʇıq puɐ ǝʇıq puɐ ǝʇıq puɐ ǝʇıq and b̴̨͇̘͉̣̜̗̞̂̏̑̉͠í̷̞͙̩̠͔̌̒̑͊̉̾͜t̷̨̫̻̗͒̆̒̋͊̆̈́̈́͐ͅë̸̯̱̲̮̻ ̷͔̱͔̖͍̭̃̌��̮͔a̵̹̞͚̭̬͛́͐̈́̓̋͌̚̚n̸͓̼̦̅d̸̯̼̈́́̃͋́͒̉̄ ̴̣̱́̊̿͐̈́̐̊͘̚͝ḃ̸̳̼̯̂̍i̵̭̗̪̼͖̳̥͈͈͒̔t̸̢̠͓̣̺̳̐͗͌̋͐̒̂͝e̵̤͍̖͗̅̔̃́̑̈͠ͅ ̴̟͊a̷̧̧͙̦̝͈͍͔̣̐͛̍͆ṋ̸̢̹͔̼̯̯̓͒̓̎́d̴̨̨̛̫̲̙͈̗͎̞͐̎̎̇ ̴̠̬͎̈͘b̸̨̮́̈́͑͒i̷̞̦̦̿̏͘t̷̘̺͍̣͍͉͉͐̓̐̓́̈́e̶̯͈͉͓̠̪̹͎̯̓̿͂̑͘ͅ ̵̜̪̥̟̘̈̽͌͌͋ȁ̵͉n̸̟̮̮̝͚̙͇̤̅̔͋̽̄̅̔̅͜͠ͅd̸̹̼́̔͋͛͌͘͠ ̴̧̻̘̱̲̫̟̥̞̏͒̋͗̇̌̿͊̉ͅḃ̴̛̮̭ͅi̴̖̰̹͆̋͐͜t̸̳̹͓̰̫̭̫̭̽͘ͅē̶̛̘̲̈́ ̵̧̛̹̥̱̦̦͔̹͒͋̒̿̕͜a̸͔͕̳̣̞̝̼͎̰̔̀͐n̶͕͆͐̎͋̒̈́̌͠d̶̢̢̨̢̖̗͇̩̰̀͊̔̓̌̓̄͘ ̶̳̜̯̫̰̗͂͐̍̀b̶̛̟̫̎̉͗͌̈́͂͘i̶͎͔̺̰̩̔̌̇̕͜͠t̷̛̙̫͑̒̀̓͠͠͝ẹ̴̻̏̋̅̅̔̅̿͂̏͊ ̸͚̳̝̓ą̷̛̟͇̘̤̝̙̤̯͎̄̓̊̃̓̉͊͘n̵̽̉̄͘̕͝ͅd̵̛̮̐̒ ̶̰̙̯͇̫͐̍͝b̸̼̤̳̂̆͂͝͠͝i̵̠̮̗̬͓̜͖̋ţ̵͖̦͈̬̯̳͖̄̀̽̒̋̀̈̚ė̶̠̳̪̔͑͋̌̓̈͒̂̕ ̴̯͆͝â̶̓̈͝��͙͎n̵͍͙͉̯̱̙̖͙̟̣͂͋̉̀̌̒͝d̸͎̥̟̪̰̖̻̹̀̂̀ ̴̳̩͓̺̞̟̞̯̀͊̏̓̿͛̚͠b̴̫̞͎̝͖̘͆̇̈́̃̎̃̚͝í̶̧̝̺̄t̷̘͍̖̪̙̓̑̃̒̚̚͠͝͝͠ͅe̵̜̥͖̥̼͂̑̄̋̉̍͜ ̷̹̍͌̍̀͝a̸̠̳̺̾̐̉̽̅͊͠͠n̶̗̬͚̱̘̜̾̎̉d̴̢͈̦̭̮̃ ̸̡̦̫̮̈́̔b̴̡̛̤̻̘̗́̾͊̀͐̌͒̓̌ī̸̞͈̖̳̫͙̼̘̜̒͝ͅţ̶̥̘͎͖͌e̶̹͍͈̝̤̞̓̈́̉̓̎̂̏̅̚͝ ̶̤͚̀̆͌̏̂̚͜͝a̷̛̫͙̟̹̹̗̾̓̀ͅn̸̡̺̱̝̺̱̹͋̋̉̂͝d̶̢̲̺͕͂̏ ̸̠̥̲͝b̷͚̹̯̃͐ĭ̴̢̧̻̖̪̟̰̑̓t̶̫̹̰̯͖̥̓̂͜͜ȅ̴̡̻̹̩̝̮͕̦̟͖́̈́ ̶̤̮̝̫̥͎͓̼̒̽̏̍̅̀̅̓̽̚ä̸̡̡͉͎̯̪́̔̓͛̔̾͐͊̕͜͝n̴̝̦̥͇̲̄d̴̨̖̙͚̉̿̈ ̶̜͕̐̌̊͐̋͗̐̓͝b̵̡̯̙̳̜̳̲̃̆͋͊͌i̸̛̛̫͖͎͎̓̆̐̔̌̕t̷̳͙͍̹̺̘̀̚ͅę̷̝͚̍͊̒̈́͐̅̊͜ ̴̖̩̣̺̝̰͋̅̾̏̌͛͂̊͜a̶̲̩͉͑n̶̢̠̰̰̙͙̆̓̊͠ͅd̸̛̻̏̌̚ͅ ̶̤́͐̇̄̌b̷̛͕̫̹̻͛̌̿͋͂́̿̍͝i̷̱̻͚͎̦̒̇́͛̿̏̋̽̚t̶̼̣͇̒̿e̸̬̾̍͋̈ ̵̧̠͕͙̭̬̗̼̂̐̏̃a̶̢̝̗͍̗̦̣͕͇̯̎̑ṋ̶̡̧̭͍̟̉̏̽̽̿̓̃̅̚d̴͈̗̤̜̾͒̏̈́̈́̂́̃͒ ̷͕̽̂̽b̵̯͇̳̬͓͍̼̱̃̋̄̊͌ì̴̢̖̱̞͙̤̯̣́ͅṫ̷̜̟̮̟͕͐̓̅̈́͘͝ḛ̶̰̠̥͙͎̬̖̇̀̈́͜ ̷̭̮̗̹̰̓́́͐̚͠ą̶͈͖̽̚��̻̬ͅņ̸̳̤̯̻̦̹̇̈́͑̄͊̀͊̍͗͝d̷̜̖̔̈̉̑̌̀̓̃̕͠ͅ ̷̳͙̲̰͊́͑̚͝b̵̢͖̫̜̜̳͕͙̂̾́̄̽̏͋́̚ī̷̢̧̧͙̹͜t̵̨͇̟͒̓̀ͅͅę̷̥͚͍͓͉̑̈́ ̶̰͔̜͋a̷̢̲̙̬̰̽͆̑̿̈́̊̓͜͠n̷̺̭͍̫̘͓̼̣̓̅̇̐̆̂̐͜d̶̛̮̘͕̤̩̯̊̇̚ ̷̨͇̜̻̳͆̽̑̌̚̚͝b̴͈͇̬͓̬̳̳̘̺̙͌í̶̡̡̢̝̱̜̻̰̾̀̚͝t̸̬̥͔̣̦͕̽͐̎͆̇͠ͅe̸̢̿ ̵̨̠͈̱̔̒͌ḁ̷͕͓̲̣͚͉͕̠̠͆̈́̕n̴̡̯͖̯̮͈̰̞͆̈́͗ď̸̫̥̣͚̮͚̗̝̀̈́͝ ̴̗̦̗̦̫̱̙͗͑b̴̢̰̟̦̻̼̥̋i̶̢̢̼̎̿̓͂̽͒t̵͈̼͔̹̥͗̎̉̔͝ē̶̢̲̮̪̂̒̋̑͒̀̾̈́͜ ̷̢͉̿́̆͋̈́â̷͔͗̀͋̔̒n̷̹̗̹͓̙̯̱̗̞̄d̵̨͕̱̞̬̺̒̀̅ ̸̢͇̦̜͕̩͖͔̠̭͌͝b̶̧͖̤̄i̴̟͎̾̋͆̑͊̅͛͒͠t̶̛̘̝͚̹̟̪̹͔̻̔ȩ̶̡͉̰̋͒͂̾͂͐̈̿͛ ̴̛̼͚̦̪̾̎̂͆̌͌͐͘̕ą̴̩͙͉̖̪̑̒̅͆͘͝n̷̛̛͉̝̾̿̎͊͋̌̿͝d̵̰̑̐͒͋́̃͗̃̒͠ ̷̳̱̗͓̜̟̞̲͇̎̂̈́̈́̅b̵̳̭̘̹͉̝̈́̈́́̿̚̚͠i̸̜̝̭̯̻͚̠̋́̈́̎̕t̵̳̲̔̎̓̋͆͒ḙ̶͖̱͈̣̬̉̇̊̃̌͒̓̇͝ ̴̨̛̮̫̟̫͎͔̿̿͛͋̐̎̎a̷̛͓͓̜̬̠̖̱̍̽̉͑n̶̨͚͓̳̻̲̪̜̲̎͛̕d̶͔͔̬͈̰̜̤̱̾͑̈́͗̍̒͝͝ ̶̡̧̣͎̞̺̗̥̞̇̑b̷̢͓̲̫͇͓͌i̶̡̛̬̮̦̎͆̀̍͘ẗ̴͓̲̙̼͕͔̯̗́͛̊̔̂͑̚͝͝͠ë̶̖͕͖̼́͑̈́̒̃ ̶̠͈͛̇̽̑̋̕ã̶̘̞̰͍̱͙́͂̾̉̏͊͝n̴̡̻̮̰̙̼͇̈́́̇̇͑̐̉ͅd̶̢̡̛̝̠͎̥̲͓͐̊́̋̈́̈̚ ̴͉̉͜b̶͕̣̭̦̟͔͕̄̑̉̓̒ȋ̸̡͖̣̩̖̀͛̊ẗ̴̨̟̫̰̻̼́̀͌́̀̽e̷̙̍̐̀̕̕ ̵̦̄̊̇͊͋̓ą̴̺̭̿̓̐̿͌͛̓̋͘ṇ̵̛̺̂̽͂͘͝d̴̢̼͓̱̘̾̆͐͋̄̓͋̇͐̏ ̷̡̢̛͕̳̤̹̬̗̗̃͛̋̀͗̀̎̿b̶͓͙̠͎͒͒̉̚i̶̛̟̗̳̣̋͊̇͆̓t̴̠̖͖̱̪̩̘̬͊̋͌̒͌͝e̶͍͇͓̜̊̔̈́̕ ̶͕̃̈͂̌̃̍͌̄̃͘ȧ̷̝̾͑̈́́̊͊̕n̶͈̬̗̼̆͂̂̑͋͘̕͜͝d̷͚̱̦̈́̓ ̸̺̭̦͙͇̂̽͗̊̐͌́̋͌b̸̮̖̯͍̟͇̉̊̌͘̕͜ǐ̴̹͗͂̇͗ẗ̷͓͍͈̣̗̺́͊̋̈́̒̅̓͜͜ȩ̶̨̻́̚͝ ̶̧̬͈̱̇͝
Until he tells me it hurts too much and it's so hard for me to stop. I want to taste him and rip him apart.
I don't want to hurt him, I want to make him feel loved and protected but I also want to kill him and cuddle with his gutted corpse until I die in his arms from starvation because I wouldn't ever get up.
Eternal cuddles.
#yandere coping#yanderecore#obsessive love#yanblr#yancore#yandere#yandere blog#yandere thoughts#actually obsessive#obsessive thoughts#obsessive yandere#yan blog#irl yan#obslove#obsession#love sickness#strong love#i love my boyfriend#irl darling#he is my entire world i pove him so fucking much i want his blood in my mouth so bad
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okay no offense but i’m not a fan of Five finding his “real life” dolores. like, that diva was literally a coping mechanism for him. a tangible reminder that he was so lonely that he made a literal piece of plastic his companion. i think the idea of it is sweet but at the end of the day i think that if Five did find someone romantically it should be someone that makes him feel silly and carefree, not someone that is a fleshy replica of an Apocalyptic Souvenir
#shall i tag tua fandom? fuck it i shall#the umbrella academy#five hargreeves#i don’t rlly remember how young five was when he found her#but either way i want less fics where five and dolores find each other irl and more fics of him being fucking crazy about her in a real way#in researching this topic i asked my boyfriend about what he would do in five’s situation and… well…#he would have done unspeakable things to that literal mannequin#that’s like psychological horror to me i think we should explore that side of their dynamic more#bc yes that’s gross (to me) but saying you’d fuck a mannequin as a joke is one level but fully believing it’s a person is another so like#how did he get there#not embarrassed of tua stuff btw but i AM embarrassed by the mannequin fucking discussion going on in the tags so hello side blog
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Noticing that TV and film will often have a character either have had an abortion in the past that isn't showcased on screen (and just used as part of the character's ~fucked up and twisted backstory~) OR contemplate getting an abortion in the present day but not to through with it. Just once I want to see someone delete that fetus within the events of the plot and not be like. Extremely majorly punished for it and/or be in the wrong
#ramblings of a lunatic#was watching a tv show w the fam recently and it's the 2nd series of a show that was clearly written with only 1 in mind#so in the 2nd season a character gets pregnant (bc ofc) and contemplates getting an abortion#only to do the whole 'omg she thinks she's lost the baby and realizes she wanted to keep it all along!'#which like. fine and valid and happens to ppl irl I'm sure#but like. this season doesn't establish if she wanted kids prior or if she has a stable job (she was struggling career wise-#-last season and the timeskip this season doesn't go into it)#AND has this fucking bizarre scene w/ her boyfriend (whos mostly been irrelevant and occasionally annoying up til now)#where he says it's 'our pregnancy' that she was going to terminate and when she (rightfully) bites back-#-saying 'you mean MY pregnancy?!' he just. storms off and deflects#which would be one thing but we have to wrap up the main plot so she just apologizes to him (for other plot stuff)#and we're never given any indication that his opinion has changed and they're just happily parenting at the end of the season#which just. left a bad taste in my mouth#like I KNOW i know not every bad thing said on screen needs a big blinking arrow that points out that it's Bad and Wrong#but idk how I'm supposed to feel in a series that has painted itself as explicitly feminist up til this point#presents the outcome of a woman dating and bearing a child for a man w seemingly zero respect for her bodily autonomy as happily ever after#w no follow up#like the whole series is centered on a group of sisters and this pregnancy story happened to the youngest one#who's always seen as needing to 'grow up' in season 1. so assuming this is meant to be building off that arc it's so WEIRD still#bc yes being a parent is an opportunity for many ppl to mature emotionally but that's not really something the character-#-reflects on all season. it's more abt her burying her past relationship w a season 1 guy (who was infinitely more interesting than new guy)#-than anything to do with that#AND EVEN IF IT WAS the notion of pregnancy as a punishment/reckoning meant to make her grow up or take responsibility-#-which is secretly a blessing in disguise i. god the show fell apart so hard here for me#and my mom and sister were just cooing over the baby at the end and i didn't speak up bc i didn't want to be a bitch#and in all fairness I'm probably being a tad uncharitable in this post but like. don't piss me OFF man#anyway. normalise abortion storylines that aren't backstory fodder and aren't fakeouts for baby plots. please
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"they never dated but they ARE exes" is such a funny relationship for two characters to have. very awkward relationship to have irl tho
#eliot posts#it still IS a little funny irl tho#i visoted her last night cuz i was in town and the vibe was so weird#it's like. we had an EXPLOSIVE breakup years ago and we're on amicable terms now but there's just the past kinda hanging there in the air#im no longer upset about the stuff she did to me but i AM still a lil sore abt how she hurt our other friends#but sometimes i still talk to her out of... idk. nostalgia or something?#idk if it's the same thing driving her to keep talking to me or what#i don't think she holds any ill feelings towards me cuz she admitted she was totally in the wrong for pretty much everything#and the worst i did was be TOO loyal and enable her but at the same time she thinks she'd be worse off if i didn't do all that back then idk#sometimes i wonder if she wants our old relationship but but i've made it clear we'll never be able to go back there#sidenote: her actual ex boyfriend (who i am still besties with and love so much) is the one that started the joke that me and her are exes#he was like ''i think she's not just MY ex girlfriend she's OUR ex girlfriend'' when i was telling my roommate about her#(and then i told her about that and she laughed and agreed that yeah. we basically ARE exes)#her actual ex/my bestie won't talk to her at all anymore and he's totally within his rights to do that#i actually asked him a few years ago if he was okay with me talking to her before i messaged her cuz i didn't wanna risk hurting him#anyway yeah. it's weird#seeing her left me with a lot of feelings that aren't exactly bad just Weird. idk.
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why are some people so rigid in their beliefs. ill say ill like something and ill immediatly get shot down, without any consideration. i get you dont like some random music artist, but im still your friend, and i think that matters more than any music opinion :(
#yap#life posting#AGAIN. SORRY#im so sick of my irls sometimes#i care that you hate taylor swift#i care that you hate pierce the veil#you expect me to be completly open with you but everytime i mention anything i genuinly care about you tell me i shouldnt#i love deep conversations#buts is so awkard when they share more to me then i ever want to share to them#how do i express i like things because people ive loved before like them#i used to hate taylor#but i like her now because my ex boyfriend liked her#and i loved him so i got into his interests#what happened to genuinly connecting with people instead of being completly rigid and non complicit#you dont give off a “cool” vibe if you just ignore everything i say
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I'm actually going to gnaw my own hand off.
#FICTIONAL BLONDE MAN HAS ME IN A VICE GRIP I AM NOT OKAY#THIS IS NOT ENJOYMENT THIS IS MY BRAIN GOING ASUHDNJHGJSHMAIKJDGMDKJMAKSDFKMLJSMGKJKJSMLKJSDHGKMJSHFLKADDKSGJMLSKJGSKHLGJM#like I am going to eat my own LIMBS he is giving me MENTAL ILLNESS I DIDNT KNOW I HAD IN ME#I AM CAPTIVATED BY HIS SWAGLESS LOOKS AND CRINGEFAIL PERSONALITY HE IS EATING MY BRAIN#he is going to give me HEART PALPITATIONS.#I need to kill him. violently. but also give him a hug. but first kill him violently.#hE'S JUST LIKE ME FR AND IT IS TELLING ME THINGS ABOUT MYSELF I DIDNT WANT TO KNOW#I've never wanted to strange someone so badly before and that's saying a lot.#LIKE I LOVE HIM. BUT I ALSO DESPISE HIM WITH EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING I NEED HIM TO BE DEAD.#BUT I LOVE HIM I need him to get cuddles :(#but also I need to stab him repeatedly.#I need him and his boyfriend to be happy but I also need them to kill each other.#WHEN IM PLAYING WITH FICTIONAL CHARACTERS LIKE FUCKED UP BARBIES I DIDNT THINK THEYD START FIGHTING BACK#if any of my irl friends see this I promise I'm so stable and I'm so normal and I'll shut up about him. but like only irl.#I HAVE NOT HAD BRAINROT THIS BAD SINCE I FIRST DISCOVERED FSA AND LOZ.#this might be WORSE. THIS FEELS WORSE.#this might force me to WRITE AGAIN.#hhhhhhhhHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH#IM GOING TO BITE SOMETHING. HARD.#really glad I stalled on getting into this fandom for three years I don't think I could've handled the level of ALL CONSUMING DISEASE#that this man has inflicted upon me.#ahem#anyways#raven rambles
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not now kitten mommy's trying to hold it all together right now
#vent post#listening to placebo's new live album bc of reasons#me and my boyfriend were supposed to go see tigers jaw last night#and he didn't want to go and i didn't think about it so i just decided we wouldn't go and we'd still just hang out#but i should've just rescheduled a hangout and asked if an irl would go with me#and i tried to listen to tigers jaw earlier i just straight up couldn't like it literally made me sick#and i'm like trying not to break down about it. and i'm at work. and i have a family thing i need to go to right after#like i'm sure it'll be fine#and once i get some more money i could always go see them somewhere else#maybe even with him depending on everything lining up#but yk. it just still hurts
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ahaeheme ehemeehme i met Red finally <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
#this feels like i just met my boyfriend irl#I MEAN YES YES I DID MEET MY BOYFRIEND WHAT ARE YOU TALKINGABOUT#MAN I WAS ALL.OVER THE PLACE HES SO!!!! SO CUTE!!!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU!!!!!!#i have a live reaction of me just playing that exact moment its juet me screamign everywhre#i battled red and i was crying the entire game NOOO I DON'T WANT TO BATTLE YOUUUU SEHRHSHJSSJSJJSJSJSJS#HE'S SO CUTE!!!! HES SO CUTEMY GOUHSH OTS SUCH AN HONOR TO MEET HIM AND BLUE HONESTLY!!!!
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GETO SUGURU.
#i spent the whole hour trying to resist this man but i just couldn’t#i liked him in the manga before he defected but the anime did him so…#AHCK#LOOK AT HIM (moments before disaster)#THE WAY HIS GAZE SOFTENED WHEN RIKO CONFESSED THAT SHE WANTED TO STAY WITH EVERYONE A LITTLE LONGER#HOW SHE WASNT READY FOR ASSIMILATION#JEALOUSY IS A DISEASE#RIKO MOVE THATS MY MAN#i just cant deal with him#he was such…a nice guy#if i knew him irl i’d have a massive crush on him ngl#additionally throughout the show he was always so concerned for satoru#expressing his concern when satoru has been using his technique nonstop whilst guarding amanai#and when haibara asks what treats should he bring home and he answers sweets bc it’s what satoru likes im having a breakdown#he’s so boyfriend#i love him so much it hurts to see how the tiredness in his eyes took over after what happened FUCK YOU TOJI FUSHIGURO#logically i’m not blaming anyone other than toji for what happened but some petty side of me wants to stir fry the shit out of gojo satoru#bc how the fuck did you not notice that geto was slowly losing and YOU CALL YOURSELF A BESTFRIEND YOU B—#im kidding ok might’ve been geto too bc he wasn’t open abt it#also damn yuki for that peptalk bc my poor mentally ill man wasn’t registering shit right#his slow spiral into insanity is one of the best written antagonizations i have ever read/seen and it will forever break my heart#jjk#toff.txt#🎬;jjk
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PokeSonas! I still am not positive what I’m doing with them, but they have cool personalities and capability for story I think!
The Scorbunny is a Scorbunny who’s more into Baseball than Soccer, mostly due to a Pokemon Baseball team he’s obsessed with who’s star player is a Victini. He’s on a Pokemon little league team and dreams of one day being in the pro leagues in Unova and meeting his hero. I dunno who his trainer is, if he has one, or what, but I love the drawing of him in a little hat and kind of want to get commissions of him done.
The Chespin is a knight under the Kalosian Knights, run by Wilkstrom. Despite his small size, he holds up rather well and has advanced beyond most peers his own age in Knight training. He takes it all very seriously, maybe a little too seriously. I could also imagine him as a character in a Mystery Dungeon game where he still takes everything way too seriously. He’d assist in escorts and get really into keeping whoever he’s leading safe, as a knight should for his liege. He’s all about the Knight Life.
I still have no idea what I’m doing with these guys, but I like making ref sheets right now. Might make some more for other’s from the sketch sheet, might not. We’ll see.
#Emile's Arts#Pokesona#Scorbunny and Victini have SUCH close color pallets I ADORE them#I think they should be friends#Originally I was going to do a Chespin X Scorbunny ship where they're on the same Little League Team#but eh. Wilkstrom's way too serious Chespin is cuter to me#I'm kind shipping my Chespin self with Wilkstrom#bUT I'm also waiting for my irl Boyfriend to make HIS Pokesona#Because if it's a Prince type I'm gonna put Chespin with him#Do you all like how instead of the nose patch my Scorbunny has tape on his glasses I thought that was cool just wanted to point it out#ALSO HIS GLASSES ARE VICTINI EYE COLORED#BECAUSE HE'S A SILLY LITTLE FAN BOY#Chespin is only shiny because I vibe with that pallet more it's Autumn-y#pkmn Selfship#Guess who typed the tag wrong the first time dfkgjfdkgjkd#What I REALLY want is to commission some to EVOLVE these guys#Because I could draw myself a bully middle school Raboot easily#but EVERYTHING ELSE is outside my pay grade#I wanna commission someone to turn that little guy into a Chesnaught SO badly
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#i am so in love its unreal. never have i ever before felt this wealth of human emotions so concentrated over the past month and a week#genuinely mind boggling how talking to logan more and more and then dating him has literally made me feel likr a new man.#not that im different or that i absolutely need him to function in my day to day life#but its the richness that being in love brought to my life that was unexpected#i had a thing with another online friend like 4 yrs ago and it never felt like much admittedly. i almost gave up dating when he broke it off#bc i thought there was something to online dating that wasnt cutting it and i didnt stand a chance at meeting someone irl#and that entire time i knew logan at least a little bit but we didnt really begin talking often until like#6 months ago maybe? and just the more we talked the more we clicked ajd i liked him so much but i was so afraid that it wouldnt be mutual#and i was so afraid that even if he is in what feels like a pretty open polycule hed never ask me out or anything#and then he did and my world felt like it exploded into a cacophony of colors and sounds and feelings and emotions#like something had been unlocked in me that hadnt been touched in years. my ability to love.#and with that came some of the most upsetting spiraling intense depressive states of my life. but it was okay. it still is okay.#its only been a bit over a month but it feels like so much more than that bc i feel like everything is so much more vivid now#i also think im beginning to take a very particular fondness to someone else in the cule but im so not stating who or expanding upon it#he also makes me really happy but i dont think im ready to take that step yet. even if it would be a dream come true.#i love what i have now and i dont want to complicate it yet.#a extremely loving and charming boyfriend and a couple of other close friends who happen to also be dating him is good. its awesome#i just. i dont know. i dont know how logan would feel abt it. i dont know abt how other guy would feel abt it.#sometimes im not even sure how i would feel abt it#aughghhhhhhhh. yeah. human emotion. love for my boyfriend who is beautiful and loving and charming and funny and talented. ueh#i dont think he reads these rambles. sometimes i hope he does. sometimes i hope he doesnt. i love him so much#i dont want to worry him with my shit constantly but it would also be nice to worry him with it occasionally#logan if you see this i love you more than words could ever describe. im so happy that ur in my life and that you chose me to be in ur own#gamey rambles#💜
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also more on that some of you. um. no one in particular comes to mind but some of you circa 2021 were not normal about pico being schizophrenic. thats all i am going to say
#the yandere hcs were too common it was fucking weird. i still see it sometimes but ive had all of his ship tags blocked for 2 years#so i dont know if its that common anymore.#and like him being an obsessive ex boyfriend and HATING gf for no reason other than shes dating bf and like wanting to kill her.#that kidn of hurt as a gf irl to be honest but its whatever im fine. eye twitch#i dunno im not schizophrenic but you do see how its weird to make the one guy who is an ultraviolent twisted cycle path right.#i love my bf so much you are all weird about him /nbh#special interest tag
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my best friends girlfriend apparently loathes me to the point that theyve had fights over me???? genuinely wild ive exchanged words with her once i have no idea what i even did 😭
#shes upset because im close to him… when told it was something she was going to have to deal with she went ‘’maybe yeah’’#GIRL MAYBE? YOU MET HIM A YEAR AGO HES BEEN MY BEST FRIEND SINCE FIRST GRADE#i was here first and i will be here long after!!#done talking about irl drama just???#girl i dont want your boyfriend literally leave me alone
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i genuinely think that i’m in love with this man lol
#i want him to be my boyfriend SOOOOO badly#but idk if hed want that before weve actually met irl#HELP PLS. like seriously help idk what to doooo alkjsljkgdkjf#kenzie.txt
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another tuesday of silly bonking...
#bonk bonk#i am having such fun having sex with d#we are very very compatible lmao.#also? if a man lets you stick your fingers in his mouth i think that's a surefire way to tell he's a keeper#too bad neither of us is into the idea of pegging because i'd give him the pounding of his life if we were both brave enough#still very babygirl though. love a man who moans for me specifically#also the fact that he actually wants to a) eat me out and b) make me come (he's very invested in the matter) is. hhhhhh#i know these are standard things to look for in a partner but with cis men u never never know. can't take anything for granted#and he has got beautiful brown eyes and curly hair and i just want to crawl inside him and place him on a petri dish#sorry i just needed to get this stuff out of me. it's not like i can talk about mindblowing sex with d with my irl friends#but i can on this godforsaken site!#yeah yeah bi woman with a boyfriend kills 282 injures countless more
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