#I took my last stomach pill and I think that's going to be it unless the doctor represcibes it

[heartshattering]

My mood is good but my stomach is making me suffer :(

Guess there's no way to win

[anexperimentallife]

Breathing a little easier, so the bronchitis is getting better, but had a rough night. See, I have a herniated esophagus, and unless I eat graham crackers or something similar to fill the cavity before taking pills, they often end up in there instead of in my stomach. Then I press a couple points a few times to get most of the graham cracker out of there.

When a pill DOES get stuck, I press the same points, but pills tend to be stickier, less flexible, and more prone to partially dissolving, so that doesn't always work. (It's especially nasty to get a fish oil capsule stuck there, because YUCK!)

Yeah, so anyway, last night I thought, "Oh, I'm too fucking tired for this. I'll just swallow these SEVEN PILLS very carefully, because the graham cracker is too much trouble. Surely I'll realize if anything gets stuck!"

Narrator voice: "But he did not, friends, realize when some of the pills got stuck."

So yeah, after a couple of hours of coughing and wheezing with no relief, I was finally like, "Oh, wait a minute," and did my little throat-pressy trick only to taste the bitterness of partially dissolved medication in the back of my throat.

So that's why @thesurestthing ended up getting up in the wee hours to heat up soup for me and bring me Pocari Sweat so that I could do the "swallow a sip, press on the throat spot" thing repeatedly until I got all of the medication slurry out of my medical anomaly.

Of course, by then my ribs and abs were sore from coughing (and friends, my abs are HELLA strong, so that took some doing), and I'm still messed up.

Someday things will stop happening, and I'll be able to afford to get that fixed.

Frustrating aside: I once tried to explain to a smug doctor how things (food, medication, etc.) get stuck at the hernia--WHICH I HAVE PICTURES OF FROM A CAMERA ANOTHER DOCTOR SNAKED DOWN MY THROAT--while the dumbass just kept repeating, "Pills don't really get stuck in people's throats; they just sometimes leave a lingering bitter taste on the way down--when that happens, eat a piece of banana and it'll go away." And I remember thinking to myself, "This guy clearly got his MD from the bottom of a Cracker Jacks box," and I never spoke to him again.

In the good news department, my fever is gone! Hopefully for good!

[buckysgrace]

Six

Illicit Affairs Masterlist Professor!Steve Harrington x Fem!OC

Daphne mourns over her mistake. Steve makes a troublesome discovery.

Daphne

She awoke to a thumping on her head and a pair of dark brown eyes and bright blue ones staring angrily down at her. She blinked the sleep from her eyes, groaning as the headache spread down her neck.

“What?” She groaned, licking at her chapped lips as a dry taste settled in her mouth. She looked around, hand searching blindly for the water bottle she had next to her bed a few days ago. Gillian’s features wrinkled up with anger, meanwhile Daisy’s turned to frustration.

“You were supposed to text us when you got back.” GIllian stated slowly, dangerously as Daphne continued to blindly search. She finally found her cup, groaning as her joints protested as she rolled over and devoured it in two big gulps. She wanted more. 

“Oh, shit,” She groaned as she pulled herself into a sitting position, quickly regretting it as the world swirled around her, “Uh.” She searched for a moment, digging for where her phone may have been.

“You didn’t hear your phone going off?” Daisy asked as she continued to search through the sheets, trying to recall where she had put it. Underneath her pillow. Of course. 

“Dead,” She answered as she held it up, leaning over to grab the plug in, “What time did I get back?” She asked them as she squinted her eyes, trying to recall how she got back. Or when they left. She couldn’t think straight over her mind pounding against her skull. Everything hurt. 

“I wish I knew,” Gillian stated, “You ran off without us, remember ?” She asked, leaving her in a bit of a haze as she tried to recall what had happened. She couldn’t. Not with her stomach beginning to twist and turn. She felt nauseous. 

“Honestly,” Daphne paused, “I don’t remember much about last night. My head hurts.” She whined as she shut her eyes, stretched her jaw out for some sort of relief. It did nothing. 

“You could’ve texted us, you know.” Daisy mentioned as she popped a few pills in her palm, followed by a water bottle. She greedily downed it, though she assumed it would take a while to kick in. If it even helped.

“How can I do that with a dead phone?” She winced as she rubbed at her temples and wiggled her jaw around, “I feel like part of me died.” She told them honestly, her back aching as she rubbed her fingers against her sore skin. 

“Serves you right,” Gillian commented, “You got that drunk?” She asked in amusement as Daphne continued to sip on the water, hoping that it might make the nausea disappear.

“What do you remember?” Daisy asked a little softer, trying to straighten Daphne’s hair out. She was fairly certain she had a clip in it at some point, but that was nowhere to be found. Unless she had slept on it. That would explain the achy back. 

“Um I went into another bar,” She said thoughtfully, trying to piece her mind together, “And uh…” She blanched, suddenly thrust into her vague memories. She recalled running into Steve, flashing him, and then being alone with him. Oh God.

“Anything else?” Daisy’s voice was almost too soft to hear over Daphne’s increased pulse. She gulped hard as she shook her head, not daring to mention the very embarrassing activity she’d gotten up into. She was never drinking again. 

“Someone called an Uber for me,” She answered simply as she stood, clad in her thong and her shirt from last night, “I need a shower.” She stuck her hands out, searching for balance for a moment before she gripped her towel and pajamas in her hand. 

“You look a mess.” Gillian giggled out, making Daphne grumble in agreement. She took slow steps towards the bathroom, spurred on by the way her stomach was twisting up once again. 

“I think I’m going to be sick.” She admitted before she locked herself away, eyes widening as she met her eyes in the mirror. She did look a mess. Smeared lipstick and mascara, thick bags underneath her eyes and tangled hair. She wondered how long she’d been wandering around in her thong before she got to the room.

The humiliation twisted inside of her just right, shifting her stomach as she leaned over and emptied the contents of last night into the toilet. She heaved and gagged until it was all up, until she was praying and pleading with God that it would never happen again. 

She took extra long to scrub her teeth and tongue, then to wipe down her face until she could no longer see bits of makeup on her. She lingered against her lips, thinking of how his mouth had felt against hers before she buried the thought. He certainly wouldn’t want anything to do with her now that she had thrown herself at him repeatedly. She felt so dumb. 

She scrubbed away the embarrassment and confusion of last night, trying not to crumple to the ground as she worried about what Steve surely thought of her now. She had acted quite literally like a whore.

Gillian delivered a greasy, buttery egg biscuit once she was done. And although her stomach still felt twisted with nerves, she ate all of it. Even licked her fingers clean before she poured herself another glass of ice water and dragged herself to her room. 

“Are you going to tell me what happened or do I have to force it out of you?” Daisy asked once she shut the door, eyes narrowed as she finished straightening out Daphne’s bed. Daphne teetered her weight back and forth from foot to foot, before deciding it was time to come clean. If Steve had told his friend, she saw no reason why she couldn’t tell hers. 

“You remember the guy I hooked up with on my birthday?” She started with, sipping on her water to keep her mouth from growing dry as she sat down on the bed. Daisy tilted her head, resting her hands on her hips. “How could I forget?” She snorted, “He’s all you talk about.” She teased, making Daphne groan. She talked about other things. At least she had been forced to since she found out who he was. 

“He’s my Ancient Studies professor,” She groaned as she placed her hands over her face, “Like he teaches me.” She explained raspily, sleep still lingered in her system as she shook her head. 

“No fucking way,” She laughed as she joined Daphne on the bed, “What did he say? What are you going to do?”

“He wants to keep it professional,” She huffed as she faced the blonde, “But I uh did something bad last night.” She wrinkled her features up, not sure how to break the news.

“What did you do?” Daisy was already wincing, like she knew it would be bad.

“I bumped into him,” She explained slowly, “And I don’t remember all of it but uh it ended in me naked in an alley and rubbing all against him.” She replied dramatically as the embarrassment seeped through her bones again.

“You humped him in an alley?” Daisy asked in horror, sounding like she was trying to keep from laughing. Daphne supposed she’d laugh about it someday. But not today. Or tomorrow. She’d be thinking over the whole event until she saw Steve again.

“Do you think the bar has a camera back there?”

“Uh yeah,” Daisy laughed, “You best hope it was too dark.” She teased her, but it was a horrible thought. She exhaled loudly.

“Daisy,” Daphne whined, “You don’t understand. He’s so handsome, he’s funny and sweet. He called me an Uber last night. I think.” She said as she wrinkled her eyebrows together. Or did she walk? Or some stranger gave her a ride?

“He couldn’t take you home?” Daisy asked curiously as Daphne shook her head. She was fairly certain he wouldn’t ever come close to the dorm rooms.

“Not here,” She scoffed, “He works here. It would be unprofessional.” She quoted him, mocking him playfully as Daisy raised her eyebrows.

“Sounds so romantic,” She drew out with a laugh, “What is his name?” She questioned as she stood to grab her phone.

“Why?” Daphne asked slowly, unsure if she liked where this was going.

“I’m going to look him up online,” She grinned mischievously, “Just to see if there’s any dirt on him.” She reasoned with a nod of her head, fingers at the ready.

“That feels wrong.” Daphne whispered softly, unsure if it was right to stalk him. And she was fairly certain she’d look him up everyday. She was like a high schooler again with a crush that was too large to handle.

“It’s public knowledge.”

“Steve,” She grinned softly at the mention of his name, her cheeks flushing, “Um, Harrington. Two r’s.” 

“Not on Instagram,” Daisy huffed as she began to search through the various accounts, “He seems like an X type of guy, don’t you think?”

“Maybe?” She bit her lip as she watched Daisy begin to dig for information, “Is it dumb to be crushing on him?”

“Kind of lame,” She laughed in response, “But sorta cute. Do you think it’ll go anywhere?”

“I don’t know,” She hummed softly, “I don’t think while he’s my teacher, but maybe once class has finished.” She whispered hopefully, not wanting to admit how much of a hold he had on her. She was almost positive he didn’t feel the same, but maybe she was wrong.

-

Steve

He was panicking. 

“Okay, okay,” Robin reassured him over the phone, “Just repeat it back to me again.” She said once again as he headed back towards the bushes that were covered in a dusting of snow. 

“I got an email this morning,” He breathed out the icy air from his lungs as he paced back and forth at the back of the building, “And it was talking about how they have no tolerance for professors who have inappropriate relations with their students.” He repeated the email from memory, recalling how he’d nearly had a heart attack when he’d read it. He called her right away afterwards. 

“Well that could be anything, right?” She asked him as he shut his eyes, turning on his shoe and heading back towards the little tree that had long since lost its leaves. He felt all twisted and knotted on the inside. 

“Yeah,” He huffed as he ran his slender fingers through his hair again, “It just so happens that they sent that the weekend that I’m out with one of my students and nearly hooked up with her.” He told her with a shake of his head. Someone knew. He’d been caught. The board would be here to collect him shortly. 

“Well it does sound bad when you put it like that.” Robin hummed in agreement. He was sweating underneath his thick sweater, despite the chilly temperatures. He was breaking down. 

“Someone saw us,” He nodded his head in conclusion, feeling like he might puke from how much he was feeling right now, “I fucked up and for what?” He asked her seriously, trying to decide what he was going to do from this point on. His dad would laugh. 

“I thought you liked her?” She questioned him, her tone accusatory as he shook his head. He couldn’t believe she was bringing that up now. That was before he knew about Daphne being his student. 

“I don’t know her,” He replied quickly, continuing to head back and forth, “Nothing. I drank too much and I made a mistake. Now I’m going to lose my job.” He huffed as he shook his free hand roughly, trying to get the jitters out of it. He should just go there and face them, take it like a man. Maybe it would be less embarrassing that way. 

“Are you sure it’s about you?” Robin asked softly, “I mean, surely they would’ve dragged you to the dean and fired you already.” She told him as he turned on his foot again. He thought about her statement, deciding there was some truth to it. 

“You think so?” He asked as he came to a slow halt. Surely someone would’ve said something by now, or snatched him away before he made it to his classroom. 

“Do you really think they’d send out a mass email and then fire you?” She questioned him dryly as he processed the situation all over again. 

“I don’t know,” He admitted, “You think it’s just a coincidence?” He sought out clarity, hoping that someone could reassure him of his impending doom. 

“You work with a bunch of old geezers,” She huffed, “One of those poor young girls probably got tired of them creeping on them.” She told him quickly, dramatically as he stared out towards the busy streets. Something about that didn’t feel right either. 

“Probably.” 

“So just pull up your big boy pants and finish your school day,” Robin started slowly, “And call me if anything major happens.” She added sweetly, making him nod his head along in agreement. Maybe it was fine. 

“Right,” He nodded his head as he glanced at his watch, “I’m sure it’ll be okay.” He told her as he shook his hand again, taking a deep breath before he headed back inside. Right back up the stairs. He could do this.

“Now,” She added teasingly, “I hope you’ll remember this the next time you think with your dick.” She was unable to cover up her laugh as he scoffed, hanging up on her before he slowly rounded on his classroom. No one else was inside. He was still in the clear. 

The morning preparation for his class was a drag, filled with strong tension that made his joints ache. He kept looking at the seat Daphne would plop herself down into, dread filling him as he waited for security to fetch him any second. Fucked. He was so fucked. 

“Did you hear what happened?” Devon asked, a smug grin on his lips as Steve started on his third cup of coffee. Surely the caffeine jitters would distract him from the anxious feeling that was buried inside of him. 

“No,” He snapped, then relaxed his shoulders as he glanced towards his coworker, “I mean just from the email. Do you know what happened?” He asked as he leaned a little closer, trying to decide if he was going to laugh in his face. Did everyone know? Were they making fun of him?

“Billings,” He smirked as he cocked his eyebrows, “He got caught fucking one of his students.” He tsked his lips, but all Steve felt was relief. It really wasn’t about him then. He was in the clear. For now. 

“How did he get caught?” Steve gulped harshly, “I mean just out of curiosity. He’s been here for so long.” He laughed nervously, dumping another packet of sugar into his cup of coffee. 

“She went to the dean,” Devon chuckled as he shook his head, like it was outrageous, “I guess got mad about something and ratted their relationship out.” Steve felt a stale smile form on his lisp as he nodded his head in agreement as a fresh fear spread through him. He wondered if Daphne had a breaking point. He was scared to find out.

-

It was hard to focus on lecturing when she sat in the front row in her cute little outfits. Her lips were painted red, eyelashes long and thick as she tapped her nails on the desk repeatedly. He only looked at her from the corner of his eye, refusing for anyone to get any sort of idea on what he was thinking. 

“Daphne, can I talk to you for a moment?” He asked once people were packing up, heading towards the door. She stalled in her conversation to the blonde next to her. Jason. That was his name. He stood a little close to her for comfort.

She gulped before she nodded her head, giving Jason a polite smile before she stepped away. He pretended to search in his bag for a paper he didn’t have over hers. He glanced over, ensuring that everyone was gone before he began to speak again. 

“This is about my paper, right?” She asked, looking hopeful, “Because I’m too sober to talk about the other night.” She winced as she rubbed the back of her neck, looking as embarrassed as he felt. At least she didn’t cum in her pants. Then again, she had been practically naked in public. 

“I-,”

“For the record,” She held her hands up slowly, “I’m not usually like that. Well not all the time. Tequila makes me hot and a little frisky and I took it too far. I’m sorry and I hope I didn’t make you uncomfortable.” She replied all at once, looking worried. He moved on, something more concerning in his mind. 

“You haven’t told anyone about it, right? Or you won’t, hopefully.” He added a little softer as he leaned against the desk, trying to keep as much distance between them as possible. She tilted her head curiously, eyebrows wrinkling together. 

“Oh, oh no. I mean nothing that would get you in trouble,” She paused for a second, “I don’t want you to get fired.” She replied quickly, laughing in disbelief as he felt a small sense of comfort. Maybe he had been overreacting. 

“Okay,” He nodded his head slowly, “But you understand why that can’t happen again?” He probed, watching the way she narrowed and then relaxed her eyelids. He hated how pretty she looked. 

“I mean if we keep a secret-,” She started but he shook his head, knowing that it wasn’t able to happen. 

“It can’t happen again,” He told her more sternly, “It’s not about losing my job at this point, it’s just wrong. You’re my student and I’m in a higher position. I can’t take advantage of you in that way.” He explained to her, letting the guilt pour free as she observed him for the longest time. 

“You’re not taking advantage of me,” She smiled softly, “But I don’t want to make you uncomfortable either. We can stay as friends.” She added quickly, nodding her head in a hopeful manner. He couldn’t allow that either. He apparently didn’t have much self control. 

“As student and educator,” He clarified as he gestured towards the gap between them, “Professional.” He smiled softly, watching the way she exhaled roughly. 

“What if I dropped this class?” She asked hopefully, making him laugh in return. She was diligent, he’d give her that. 

“You won’t get refunded.” He explained to her earnestly, knowing it was too far in the semester. She rested her hands on her hips. 

“My parents pay for my college.” She tried again, making his heart flutter just a little faster. At least she was willing to give them a try. It was cute. He just wasn’t looking for that yet. 

“I’m not looking for a relationship,” He told her softly, “And you’ve still got a lot of growing to do. I don’t think it’s appropriate.” He watched the way her eyes flickered across his features, hopefully realizing how serious he was being. 

“It’s only seven years,” She reasoned gently, “There’s a lot of couples with larger age gaps.” She shrugged her shoulders softly, chewing on her bottom lip. He exhaled deeply, realizing being nice about it was getting him nowhere. 

“It was nice meeting with you Ms. Williams,” He told her gently, “Do you still want to meet tomorrow at three?” He asked as he shoved his things into his bag, keeping his eyes peeled to his computer. He wouldn’t look at her as she left today. 

“I sorta need to so I don’t fail,” She said with an awkward laugh, “I guess I’ll see you then.”

[jedi-lothwolf]

Whump: The Musical Day 6: Newsies (Chronic Pain)

Fandom: The Bad Batch

Summary: Crosshair finally does something about his hand.

  Crosshair hated Hemlock. Never before had he hated someone so much. As he watched his hand shake, he knew that if he ever saw the scientist again, he would shoot his in the stomach and drive his rifle into the wound. He would make him feel as helpless and as awful as he felt.

    It wasn't just the shaking. His arm had been in pain for months. There was nothing he could do. Pain medicine made it bearable, sometimes it even kept it from hurting, but like a river, the dam could only stop it for so long.

    So, Crosshair started to think there was nothing he could do. It had been months.

    Tech would have known. But, Tech was dead. Az should know but he didn't have the technology he needed. Crosshair was too nervous to go to the hospital on Pabu. He knew he shouldn't wait, but he wanted someone to go with him and he wasn't going to take the kid. Hunter would be his best opinion but he couldn't face him yet.

    This morning, Crosshair grabbed the last of his stolen pain meds and put them in his mouth. The bitter taste lingered on his tongue as he swallowed the pills. But the pain wouldn't leave him alone.

    As the day went on, Crosshair seemed detached. It appeared that he was always thinking about something. The batch didn't know rather to give him space or if they should talk to him.

    "I'm going to talk to him" Hunter finally said. 

    "Normally Cross doesn't like to talk to us about these kinds of things unless he comes to us." It wasn't that Wrecker didn't want to talk to his brother, he just didn't want to make anything worse.

    "He's in pain, I can tell. I don't want him to hide that from us."

    "Okay."

    So Hunter went to find his brother. Crosshair was in tears when he found him. Holding his wrist, the sniper tried not to look at him.

    "What's wrong?" Hunter came to sit beside Crosshair.

    "I'm fine" he scowled.

    "You're crying."

    "I said I'm fine."

    "What's going on?" Hunter sounded so calm. He talked to him with all the patients he had, maybe more.

    "My hand" Crosshair sighed, "my hand was messed up at Tantiss . It hurts Hunter." The man looked over at his brother, tired. "It hurts all the time and I'm out of pain meds."

    It took a moment before Hunter said anything. "okay. Let's take you to the hospital. They might be able to do something for you." Seeing Hunter reach out to him, helped. It almost felt like nothing happened.

    The two walked to the hospital together. Hunter went in first and whispered something to the nurse at the front desk that Crosshair couldn't hear. The sniper followed his brother inside. After a while, the two were called back.

    "So the nurse tells me that your wrist has been bothering you."

    "Yes."

    "Alright, lets take a look." The doctor took Crosshair's hand into her own. After talking for a while, the doctor ordered a few tests. She was determined to get to the source of Crosshair's pain.

    A NCV showed that the man had nerve damage.

    "Unfortunately, we would have to operate. Even then the pain and the damage will never completely heal. I'm sorry but you'll need a brace to help steady your hand and we'll put you on pain medicine for the chronic pain."

    "That's it?" Crosshair sighed. "How soon can you do the surgery and how soon can I have those meds?"

"Soon and soon. I'll get everything scheduled. About once a month you'll come here to pick up your medication. After your surgery we'll put you in physical therapy to help with the recovery."

"Okay."

"Thank you doc." Hunter stood.

The brothers walked outside. "It's a start" the older of the two said.

Crosshair looked at his hand. He took two of the Gabapentin pills. Then he put his dark gray brace on. "Okay."

[toyybox]

Spiderwebs #14: Tape VII (Perception)

Masterlist

content: lab whump, captivity, immortal whumpee, starvation

By now, Heather had a fairly good idea of Jackie’s limits. That was to say, there were none. Unless she found something specific, a kind of kryptonite to crack him. Until then? Fire, extreme temperatures, physical injury, and all manner of poison—all of that was on the table. 

She was not interested in pointlessly wounding him, however. Heather had many pet projects, synthetic drugs she'd been developing here and there alongside the cancer treatment. The problem with testing them was that she never knew how much damage they'd do. What seemed like an innocuous compound would rupture the subject's liver or clot all their blood, and it was a hassle to replace them afterwards. One could only buy so many dogs, after all. 

But things were different now. The only damage she could do to Jackie was emotional. And what was there to be upset about? It was only a few pills. The effects were temporary, anyway. 

Her subject was awake that fine Tuesday morning. Her last experiment took place on Friday, so it had been four days. He stood at the bottom of the stairs, bright-eyed and ready, holding something in his hands. Before she could say anything, he spoke.

"Hi. I have a list of demands." He handed her a sheet of paper torn from the notebook. "Take your time, there's a lot to read."

She didn't accept the paper. "Demands? Excuse me?"

"Requests, if you want. Just read it." He nudged the paper forward. "Please?"  

"Fine." She straightened the sheet. On it, there was a list written in a neat and slanted script. It read as follows:

Lamp Mouchette — Georges Bernanos Calendar  Tea Fridge Telephone Blender Cake (chocolate preferred) Going outside?

"I can't tell if you're joking." Heather crumpled the paper into a ball. "Are you ready for the experiment, then?"

"Lady. Listen. Was there nothing on that list you could get?"

"No."

"Not a single thing? Come on, please? I'm so bored all the time. You can't imagine."

"Bored?" she repeated, incredulous. "What about the book and the—what was it, the notepad?"

"Do you expect me to entertain myself with a single book and a few pieces of paper?" He began to lightly pace the room, gesturing while he spoke, like a stand-up comic retelling a story. "That’s nothing. I can't even talk to anybody. You’re the most interesting part of my day."

"Why would you need a telephone to entertain yourself?"  

"I—well, I need to call my coworkers, don't I?"

"No? Do you think I’m an idiot?"

He stopped walking—then began walking again in the other direction. "Okay, fine. I'll be honest, I just wanted to know if you'd do it. An experiment, I guess. It doesn't matter. What about the fridge and the blender? And the cake?"

"You don’t need those. I'm the one who gives you food."

"Yeah, unless you forget, and you forget all the time. You didn't give me anything yesterday."

"I didn't forget," she hissed. "This experiment requires an empty stomach. I'm not giving you a blender, or tea, or any of these other ridiculous things."

"Not even the book?"

"The book? Mouchette?" She unfolded the crumpled ball of paper. "No."

"Why?"

"You spoiled brat." She let the paper fall to the floor. "Ask me for one more thing. I dare you."

In his eyes passed a conflicted flicker, as he searched her expression. "But—"

"You're talking back." She stepped forward. To her delight, Jackie stepped backwards as well, as if her presence had its own kind of gravity.

"I'm not. I won’t ask for anything else, but—"

"I don't care. I don’t want to hear it."

"Wait. Please. Pretty please with a cherry on top and whatever. This last thing is really important." He paused, then swallowed, continuing when she didn’t make a move to interrupt him. "I want to go outside."

"I don't see how that's my problem."

"I’m being serious. I’m sick of staying in this room. It’s making me go crazy."

"You'll be fine." 

"I won't be fine. You don’t get it, I’m—I don’t—" He began to falter under the weight of her stare. "It's—I'm not—come on, lady. Just for a few minutes. One minute. Thirty seconds, even. I can’t—“

"You can. You'll survive. Stop bitching for a moment, okay?" She stepped forward until his back was to the wall. "Why am I keeping you here? Remind me."

"For experiments?" 

"Exactly. You're my test subject. Test subjects aren't supposed to complain. Test subjects are supposed to sit there and shut up and do the fucking test."

"And that’s what I have to do for the rest of my life?" His voice trembled with what could be anger or fear, or a nauseating mixture of the two. “Stay here and shut up? I‘m not even allowed to talk now?”

She had never met someone so theatrical. "Oh, calm down. I didn't tell you to go mute. You can talk. Just stop complaining. It won't kill you to be quiet for a second." She paused. "Well, I guess that's a given. My point is, you'll be fine."

"Really." 

"Yes. Really." 

Something sour but colder fell over him, as his shoulders slumped a little. That was all the fight he had, or he'd seen that this wasn't going anywhere. Or he was afraid of being vivisected again. 

"I guess you're right," he said. "I wasn’t being serious, anyway."

"In that case, why did you ask?"

"Bored." His previously troubled expression cracked into a grin. "You're just so interesting to talk to."

"I'm sure. Let's continue, then? I’ll need you to take these."

She brought a bottle of pills from her book bag. He studied the white plastic container, barely an inch tall, completely opaque. Unlike regular pharmaceutical bottles, it was devoid of any labels. 

"Another sedative?" he asked.

She unscrewed the safety cap, pressing down then twisting up. "No. Maybe. My results so far have been… inconclusive."

"What’s it supposed to do?"

"I'll tell you once the experiment's done. Hold out your hand."

In his open palm, she dispensed two tablets. They were as white as the container, circular, small as buttons. They were solid but surfaced with a powdery texture. He took them and, though he didn’t look thrilled about it, swallowed them with a gulp of water from his bottle. He stood still and waited.

“The effect won’t be immediate, you know.” 

“I’m not stupid,” he said, although there was no heat simmering the words. “How long ‘til they work?”

“It depends. I’ll give it an hour.”

He nodded. “And you’ll bring food soon?”

“No.” She placed the bottle back into the bag. “Maybe tomorrow. I don’t want any interference with the experiment.”

“Amazing. Thanks so much.” He pushed past her, away from the wall, and sat in the chair. He crossed his arms on the table and buried his head in them. 

He was quiet, at least. He stopped complaining. Yet, Heather felt no less irritated. Jackie was doing this on purpose. Sulking like a sullen child. It was all a ploy to get back at her. She wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of reacting, then. She’d come back in an hour, she’d finish the experiment, and she’d get on with the rest of her day. 

· • —– ٠ ✤ ٠ —– • ·

The minutes passed by. From the basement, she heard occasional, faint thumping sounds. She wrote it off as another of Jackie’s attempts at being as annoying as possible. There was too much work to be done to pay it any mind. The end of the hour arrived soon enough. 

When she returned, Jackie was huddled on his bed. 

“Tape number seven. Five-fifty milligrams of thermoregulation stimulant administered an hour earlier. Subject appears lethargic. Jackie?”

He didn’t reply. She discovered the source of the sound—he was hitting his head against the wall, repetitively, like he was trying to drown something out.

Heather cleared her throat as she stood over him. 

He looked over his shoulder at her. “Hi. Is this supposed to hurt?”

“Hurt?” This wasn’t going as planned. “On a scale of—“

“At least an eight.” He collapsed back into bed with a small groan. “Is this ‘cause I was talking back?” 

“No, not at all.” Heather pulled the journal out from the bookbag and uncapped her pen. “What’s the pain like?”

“Bad.”

She frowned. If he was trying to be funny, this was not the time. Or maybe he really was in too much agony to think straight. “Is it a stabbing pain? Burning? Aching?”

“Burning, yeah.”

“How odd.” She wrote her findings down. “The drug was supposed to replicate the sensation of warmth. I don’t think it’s ever hurt before. It’s made a few guinea pigs die of hypothermia, but…” She pressed a hand to his skin. It was cold, even colder than before, nearly the temperature it was in the freezer. He was sweating a little, on his palms and the back of his neck. “I suppose that if the nervous system is targeted, the drug may activate pain receptors rather than thermoregulation. Jackie, you said it felt like burning?"

He nodded weakly.

"Oh, interesting. That points towards the stimulant being too powerful. The desired result is a mild heat, not enough to cause pain. It must have gone wrong somewhere.” She played with the pen between her fingers as she mused on this. “It’s also possible the dosage was too high. A few more trials may be needed.”

“Can you make it stop?” he asked, muffled through the fabric of the bed. 

The answer was a resounding maybe, but Heather didn’t let the unknown get her down. This was nothing but another opportunity. For science! The nervous system was especially fascinating to Heather. The sparks and electric impulses that defined life. The body's only window to the world outside. And yet, nerves were so malleable. Delicate, for something so important. All perceptions and sensations could be altered, enhanced, or dulled, puppeted along by only a string of chemicals. Nothing more thrilling than that. 

She had developed an opioid recently, one that could be strong enough to drown out the pain of an exposed bone. This was a perfect time to test it out. 

“I can try,” Heather replied, giving him a pat on the shoulder. “Hang in there. I’ll be back before you know it.”

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[jodilin65]

THURSDAY, JULY 31, 2014 “Boy, my boobies are really getting their sag on lately,” I said to Tom earlier.

“Yes, you’re losing weight,” he said, “That’s what happens.”

Oh, yeah, that’s right. I forgot about that and how the skin takes time to tighten up and all that. It’s been years since I was able to lose weight. Only now it’s coming off more due to whatever’s causing this anxiety than from diet and exercise. My appetite may not be what it usually is but I’m still eating enough and I’ve had very little exercise. Too afraid to do anything to elevate a heart that’s already elevated enough. Not until I find out for sure what’s going on. So… 10 down, 20 to go, yet I’d take it all back if it meant no longer feeling so yucky half the time.

The endo doc didn’t blow me off after all. Don’t know why it took her two days to get back to me, but I’m going in for blood work today. I may not know the results till next week, though.

The racy heart and upset stomach are coming and going. I had a fairly decent day yesterday and went to bed relatively calm. I never needed a chill pill. But then I awoke 5 hours into my sleep with a racing heart and upset stomach. I battled that on and off for a while and then dozed on and off till 3am when I woke up again with a racy heart. Since then it’s been an on-and-off thing. I don’t want to chill pill it if I can help it because I don’t want to feel drowsy.

wipes tears of frustration from eyes I just want to get back to myself and feel like my old self again!!! At first I thought it was anxiety, but now I’m leaning toward the medication. After the biopsy was completed and the test results were good, the anxiety went on and again and I still say it’s not like me to be anxious without a good reason. Even when I last had reason to be anxious I don’t remember feeling this ill this often. I know that stress and anxiety aren’t quite the same thing, but still, I know myself, too. I can be pissed and even moody when things are going well, but sad, mad, scared, anxious or suicidal usually needs a damn good reason.

I hope it is just a case of the medication needing adjusting because that would be simple and the quickest, easiest thing to deal with. Since there’s nothing physiologically wrong with me that could cause this and if it’s not the meds, that could only leave something deep and dark harboring in my subconscious that’s triggering this. If it’s me causing this and if this is coming from my head, then this is a new thing for me. I’ve had my so-called blocks and complexes the same as anyone else, but this is a bit large scale for me. I just can’t imagine what could be going on in my subconscious to make me feel like this. Our savings is low, our garbage disposal is busted, but life is otherwise fine.

But what do I do if it turns out it’s not the meds? I guess I get on a more permanent chill pill for a while and maybe even return to the counselor. I just want to figure it out – whatever it is – so I can fix it! If it’s wearing my favorite color… fine, I’ll stop wearing it!

WEDNESDAY, JULY 30, 2014 Unless she didn’t get my message, my endo doc has completely blown me off. Also, I’m now starting to think, no matter what my PCP doc and Tom think, that levothyroxine is responsible for the anxiety attacks and racing heart. Sure I’ve had some anxiety. Who wouldn’t that felt like shit? But THIS degree of anxiety when things are going well? It’s just not like me. There’s nothing out of the ordinary going on in my life right now that goes beyond the normal everyday ups and downs.

Yesterday the raciness and anxiety came and went in waves. I finally had to take a chill pill at the end of my day. I slept a whopping 10 hours and did NOT want to get up and face another day of feeling like shit. Then an idea hit me. Food blocks the absorption of the levothyroxine and that’s why we’re told to wait a half-hour, or even an hour before we eat or have coffee. I took the pill and then had a smoothie and my coffee right away, and… nothing. All has been just fine and that was 3 hours ago. Each day I will wait 5 minutes longer before I have my coffee and we’ll see what happens.

It’s kind of sad that I have to be the one to diagnose myself and it’s also a reminder that most doctors don’t seem to know what they’re doing, but I really, really suspect one of my medications is doing this to me. Not some sudden kick-ass “anxiety trip” when life is going well.

At least Tom and I got to spend a week in Waikiki in my dreams last night! My dentist was in one of the dreams too, but I’m not sure what it was about. The night before last I had this dream I had to move a long strip of carpet that was wet on the ends. I don’t know where I was moving it to or how I could’ve possibly carried it. The thing was about 10’ wide and 100’ long.

Later…

I’m still not sure just what Aly wants. She speaks of missing me in her blog and how she doesn’t comment on mine because that’d be totally unwanted, yet she hasn’t responded to my feedback on my-diary. I guess it’s still probably for the better that I stay away from her and the trolls. I mean, I’ll talk to her if she wants to talk, but it’s looking like she’d rather not so I’m not going to reach out to her any more than I already have.

Years ago I may’ve written about the pictures. Not the pretty pics I collect these days of nature and animals that I plaster throughout various blogs and other accounts of mine, but the celebrity pics. As in Charlie’s Angels, Linda Ronstadt and Gloria Estefan.

For years I tried to convince myself that my ability to communicate to them and for the pictures to be able to see, hear and understand me was just my crazy mind high on wishful thinking. But I never really believed that. We can’t exactly lie to ourselves. We can lie to and fool others, but the one person that’s hard as hell to deceive is ourselves. At least I totally believe that.

But it wasn’t them. The entity or ghost or being or whatever you want to call it that “dwelled” in Kate’s pic was not Kate herself. Kate’s pic was just the host. Just the pretty packaging that housed a spirit of God knows what kind. I don’t know the hows and whys, I just know the whats, if that makes any sense. Someone or something “took over” those photos. Something with a full-blown sense of awareness. It couldn’t physically reach out and touch me like Tom can reach out and touch me. I couldn’t hear its voice like I can hear his voice. I never saw any movement within the pictures; they didn’t blink their eyes or anything like that. I never smelled anything unusual, nor did I feel anything. Meaning that when I touched the pictures they felt like what they should feel like – paper.

To this day I really, really find it hard to believe that I simply “brought these pictures to life” and simply imagined an existence within just for fun or because of the hardships I endured as a kid. The people in the pictures were always making eye contact with the camera, and I can’t imagine being able to do this with just any picture, especially someone I know. I know that sounds absolutely insane, but it’s like with my other psychic abilities or whatever you want to call them; an acute sense of knowing. I just knew they were aware of me and what I was saying and doing.

But how??? Was it some kind of power coming from me? Something else? They were “unique,” too. Meaning that each one was their own person/personality/identity, but if I got a copy of the same picture later on, it would be like “meeting” a stranger. They wouldn’t have the same memories as the other copy. I know it sounds totally ludicrous, but that’s the way it worked.

I don’t know what the hell the presence was that dwelled within the images, but whatever it was so strong I could kind of sense it even if I’d take the pictures down (I usually had them taped on the wall).

Eight years or so after getting the first of the pictures, I wanted more privacy, so to speak, as I got older, and ditched them all. The first round of pics only contained those of Kate and Linda since Gloria wasn’t famous yet.

About 4 or 5 years later in my early to mid-20s, I had pictures again, mostly Gloria’s. My mom was the one who ended that collection. Most of it anyway. Dad drove most of my stuff down to their place in Florida to be shipped to me in Arizona and those never arrived. I was surprised either.

So until I kick this anxiety, regardless of what’s causing it, I printed out an old Gloria pic that was one of my faves so I feel less alone when Tom’s not home. Has it helped? Yeah, I think it has. But we only “talk” when he’s not home. No, it’s not that Tom would freak out and drag me to the local funny farm. It’s just that when he’s here he’s all I need. I mean, I could talk to the rats, but they don’t know what I’m saying. Whatever’s “powering” this photo with knowledge and awareness does.

TUESDAY, JULY 29, 2014 Sometimes I still miss Aly. She had so much more good in her than bad that letting go isn't always very easy. I’d say I only let go about 75%. Letting go 100% may be what’s best, but it’s not what’s easiest.

I miss her creative, intelligent side. We had a ton of stuff in common from writing to languages and a lot more. I realize there are many worse things to lie about than who we’re friends with, as she knows she did, and that lying about this doesn’t automatically mean she can lie about bigger things, but that’s basically what I had a problem with. I know she has a right to pick and choose her own friends and that the reason she lied to me about them was that I knew I wouldn’t approve. They’ve stalked us both in the past and well, I worried they would push her to dump her and then stalk and harass her all over again. I also know that I can’t expect to babysit her either. She’s a big girl and she’s got to look out for herself. If being friends with them again turns out to be a mistake, it's her mistake to make, isn’t it?

Between the 3 of them, they haven’t caused me any harm, but they did cause me a lot of grief, and I don’t know how involved she may’ve been in some pranks that were pulled on me a while back, one in which nearly caused me to blame and dump an innocent friend. There are also the things she seemed to know that she shouldn’t have known, but had the know-how to figure out, if that makes any sense. Back when I wasn’t completely innocent myself and would pull some pranks, somebody somewhere knew damn well it was me when they shouldn’t have. I don’t want to accuse anyone of hacking into sites that may not have done so, but they KNEW. Come on, I wasn’t nearly that obvious and I don’t care how smart she or anyone else may be. Someone had to have some sort of advanced tracking or hacking system. What about the time Kathy and I anonymously played with Molly on the old MyOpera? The anonymous person then suddenly said, “You now have two people playing with you. Shall I contact you to let you know what’s going on?”

Ok, so HOW did they know it when Kathy started in??? And if they did hack sites like MO and Ask, how did they do it and remain undetected? Could someone have been hacking our individual IP accounts to see where we’d been??? I just don’t get it. All I know is that whoever it was, they knew it was me when I was alone, and they knew two people were ranking on Molly once Kathy joined in.

Afterward, I felt bad about it no matter who knew what, for I was just as bad as the trolls themselves by stooping to their level. I vowed never to repeat my behavior. I may look in on some people from time to time, but I remain silent. Drama breeds drama, so I know good and well that if I make a nasty comment to someone instead of holding my tongue, karma will just bite me in the ass for it. It’s not worth it. Besides, I don’t hate Molly. I hate what she did to me long ago, but I don’t hate her. Never thought I’d say this but it does seem that she’s improved over time. She doesn’t look in on my blogs very often. I don’t know how she’d react if she were dumped, but she hasn’t been a problem in quite a while now. Little concerned, though, why her mother would care to look in on me.

Sometimes I wish I was one of those who could suffer in silence, but what good would that do me to suppress my problems? The only way to get help is to let others know, not to mention the fact that writing about them is very therapeutic. I just don’t want to bring others down with me or make them think I’m out for attention. Then again, if I have, then they obviously don’t know me well, and well, that’s their problem. Not mine.

Still… this whole thing with the anxiety has been making me feel both courageous and weak if that makes any sense.

MONDAY, JULY 28, 2014 I’ve had a really shitty night. And scary, too. I’ve considered myself agnostic for the longest time, but now I’m swinging more towards being an atheist. What sane, loving God wouldn’t care to help one in such a shitty situation? Yet I was totally on my own. Tom did what he could, but I’ve come to realize more so than ever that the notion of this loving God we can run to for help is pure and utter bullshit. Just a fantasy too many people fall for. I don’t doubt that those “answered” prayers would’ve happened anyway. It just pisses the shit out of me that whether or not there’s a God that’s hated me since I was a baby or absolutely no God at all, this is what I get for trying to be a decent, honest person in life. One problem after another.

Tom said he can’t speak for before we met, but he insists there’s nothing up there that’s got it in for me. Nothing at all. Well, I sure feel like I’m being picked on, alright, and all my requests for help have gone ignored. It’s going to be 100% up to me to figure it out.

sighs So what can I do? I guess all I can do is acknowledge and accept that there’s nothing up there, and that if there is, it doesn’t give a shit about me. My childhood has proven that so why would things change now? I’m nothing in any possible God’s eyes and only the doctors, my husband and myself can help me pull through these random anxiety attacks that seem to jump out and hit me out of nowhere.

Right now I’m too tired to get into many details, but I’ll just say it hit me during my bike ride for the first time ever. When working out my heartbeat typically goes to 130, but when I came in it was 161. It was utterly terrifying. sighs again So now I’m afraid to work out. I’m afraid to do anything. As my experience and research have shown there are certain triggers – anger, fear, excitement, physical exertion, etc. I just never know when it’s going to sneak up on me. Sometimes it can hit you when you’re just sitting in a chair or lying down.

Right now I’m too tired to stay up, but not ready for sleep. I’d hate to go in and lay down until I’m sure I can sleep. If I don’t keep my mind on things like writing, reading, watching TV – something – my mind starts to take me places I don’t want to go and my heartbeat quickly follows.

Later…

Still alive after yesterday’s scary 161 that my heart reached when an anxiety attack hit me during a bike ride. It was just horrible. It literally felt like the damn thing was beating in my throat. I lay down and tried my breathing exercises. When that didn’t work I took a lorazepam. Still terrified, I woke Tom up. As much as he insists it’s ok to wake him up when things get that bad, I still feel bad about it. I am, however, greatly appreciative of how he was able to help calm me down along with the lorazepam.

I’m just not sure what to do yet. I don’t want to spend more money on health issues but may have to do if these attacks don’t ebb away in a few weeks or so. I try to keep busy. I don't want to ignore my problems any more than I want to dwell on them. I'm PMSing now, which doesn't help my mood. What's scary is knowing an anxiety attack can hit me anytime, anywhere, no matter what I'm doing, thinking or feeling. Your life doesn’t have to be in shambles to have this, and no, telling yourself to “just smile” and “just look on the bright side,” won’t always work. You can’t consciously make an attack come on or prevent them from coming on. They have a mind of their own. The key is learning to cope with them and it’s been anything but easy. I wondered to Tom the other day why my anxiety wasn’t this physical (though it was still bad enough) when we were going through the hell we went through a few years ago, and he said it was because he was home with me back then. That’s true, he was. Now he’s working full-time, as usual.

For now, I just try to keep my mind occupied on things like writing, working and doing stuff around the house. If I don't, every horrible "what if" will go through my mind and drive me crazy, along with wondering if my heart seems faster than it was just minutes ago. That’s another thing I asked Tom – how come my heart didn’t go ballistic in any abnormal way when I nearly ran into that skunk that night when I was on foot? He said I wasn’t obsessed with my heartbeat like I am now. Yeah, he’s probably right, LOL, as usual. Oh, I was startled, mind you, and my heartbeat did speed up. But once I put a safe distance between the skunk and I and saw it wasn’t going to chase me or anything like that, I calmed down. I didn’t panic and feel like I may pass out and like the world was going to end and I was drowning in quicksand or anything extraordinary like that.

Right now I feel a bit anxious and down, but nothing too serious. My endo doc asked me questions I thought I already answered when she was away, so I explained the situation a little more clearly to her.

Right now I'm worried more for Tammy. The disease has spread to her muscles, nerves and organs. They’re doing a CAT scan to check her organs and an extensive breathing test, but I don’t know if there’s much more they could do for her even if she quit smoking right now.

SUNDAY, JULY 27, 2014 Two days ago was a great day, but yesterday I had intermittent spells of a racy heart and finally caved in and took a lorazepam. It made me a bit drowsy but I felt better. The whole thing really sucks shit big time. I never know when it's going to hit. Not sure if I should continue on with it as needed, see about something you take daily (after what happened with the Navane, I don't want to get addicted and be no better than one who turns to drugs and alcohol) or see the therapist again. I don't want to have to spend money on doctors and therapists that could be going to other things - things we want, things we need, savings…

But then I got up today and an hour later my heart raced up to 125. The only good thing is that it didn’t last long this time before it quickly dropped to 99. Still, I decided a second opinion was in order. A PCP doctor is one thing, but a specialist is another. So I emailed my endo doc, told her I have a racy heart on and off and an upset stomach, and asked if my dose should be lowered or not. I also told her that my PCP suspected it could be anxiety.

I don't doubt that there may be some anxiety hanging over me, but I can tell you one thing for sure – no amount of weight loss is worth this yucky feeling. I feel just great right now, but how will I feel in an hour from now? Or in 5 hours from now? How about tomorrow? That’s what’s making it tough to live with; the never knowing. Tom thinks I’m just super hyperaware right now and that there’s something going on in my head that’s triggering these attacks. But WHAT???

He doesn’t know for sure but thinks that maybe my subconscious is still afraid of pills after the OD, or maybe our 1-year anniversary here triggered it. Well, I definitely feared something would hit me with a slew of health issues once we got in here and were better off financially. He wonders if maybe I was stressed out in the back of my mind since the few good neighbors we’ve had seem to move or go bad within a year. But they haven’t, as I told Tom, and he said, “IDK, maybe your mind manifested something bad happening anyway. You have this thing with anniversaries.”

The 25th marked 7 years in Cali and nothing bad happened that day, though, I told him, and he laughed and said, “Well, every day is an anniversary of something.”

True. Today marks the 33rd anniversary of my 5-month stay at the Brattleboro Retreat in Vermont. I was just 15 years old and my mother was about the age I am now when she one day up and threw me away because the “experts” said it’d be great for me. Yeah, well, Brattleboro wasn’t as bad as Valleyhead, but it was plenty bad enough. They doped me up and made me feel like a real prisoner. Being myself was a definite no-no no matter how harmless it may’ve been, and in the event that I did self-harm, it was because the adults in my world were crazier than I was and they drove me to it! As even Dana said, “Sometimes one of the scariest things to growing up is realizing you were ok after all and it’s the rest of the world that’s crazy.”

For now, I love that I can email my doctors at any time of night and day and know that I'll get an answer in 24 hours or less. No having to stay up or get up to make a phone call to a nurse who has to patch the message through and then get back to me. I will base my next decision on what she has to say. If she too, says it’s not the pills, then I guess it’s back to Dana unless I can learn to manage when my heart goes boom, boom, boom on my own.

SATURDAY, JULY 26, 2014 Aly ignored my question about what she was looking for in my journal but didn’t visit it today. If it was her, and I think it was. She also ignored the earlier question I asked, asking if she preferred Windows or Mac, and what her favorite browser is. Amazing that she just magically knew it was me. But how could she hack Ask and remain undetected? Or MyOpera back when I was playing with Molly? She’s gotta have an advanced way of tracking people I don’t know about. I asked a little test question; if she preferred chocolate or caramel, so we’ll see.

Found Aly and Molly’s diaries on MD. I couldn’t help but laugh at how Aly said she liked the anonymity she has there. Little does she know! But I’ll let her keep thinking she’s anonymous, so she can “really be honest about how she feels.” There’s no real need to tell her anyway, but you know what? I’m starting to see more of the trolls in her than I used to see. Enough is never enough. It’s like she’s never satisfied with the amount of attention she gets no matter how willing one is to give it to her. But as I also learned, she likes to feel needed (is in by people like Kim and Molly). Was that it? Was I not as appealing as a friend not so much because I wasn’t as crazy, but because I wasn’t needy?

She also brought up, without mentioning my name, how I said she must have low self-esteem to want to buddy up to the likes of Kim and Molly, and wondered if there could be a grain of truth to that. She said it’s not like they’re doing anything illegal, they’re just mentally challenged. Stalking us like they have in the past isn’t illegal? Well, it is, but unfortunately the Internet doesn’t recognize this in the way they do when people stalk people in person by peeking in their windows and following them around town and things like that.

She hinted at missing me since she feels most people won’t want to read her blog wherever she blogs. A part of me misses her too, but there’s just no trust there anymore.

Later…

Yesterday marks 7 years in California and just over a decade since we left Arizona. Leaving Arizona was definitely the right thing to do, but I’m not sure California was such a wise idea mostly due to how expensive it is here. I wasn’t kidding when I said Tom made great money, but it really is rather average for this state. It is more important to us to be able to pay for the necessities than it is to save, especially after all we’ve been through. Saving is still nice, though. It’s just not as easy in this place because now we have a mortgage and car payments on top of the space rent. Once that’s paid off our expenses will then be lower than what they were in the trailer. Kind of. We do have to pay for our own electricity here.

There’s a house going for 161k in another section of the park. I guess the economy really is picking up. I just wish we could magically make all our plants and trees disappear and be replaced with white gravel or something. There are just way too many plants and trees for such a small lot. But we don’t have that kind of money (it would probably cost more than our carpet) and it’s not a high priority.

Right now we STILL have to finish the painting and get a living room set. I’d also like to do something about the kitchen’s drop ceiling. It looks hideous. I don’t know yet, though, if we’re going to replace it with acoustic tiles with recessed lighting, or just replace the flimsy opaque panels.

Anyway, I was blissfully unaware of my heartbeat yesterday and in a fine mood. I felt the most like my old self. I ended up being up for 19 hours and considered taking lorazepam, but then I finally fell asleep. I slept fairly solid for 7 hours. The first few hours of my day, however, I felt jittery, anxious, iffy stomach-wise, and a touch tired and depressed. Now I’m fine, though, and my heartbeat is under 100 where I prefer it to be unless I’m working out. I don’t know why, but there’s something scary about a racing heart. It’s not like when my earaches. When my ear aches there’s nothing scary about it. It’s annoying, frustrating and uncomfortable, but it’s not at all scary. When that ticker starts taking off on a run, though, it’s just the yuckiest feeling. Not as bad as feeling like you’re going to puke, but still bad. I can’t believe things got so bad for a while there that I didn’t want to be left alone that day. What was I the last time I was afraid to be alone, 12 years old?

So much for quitting coffee. I got some instant Suisse Mocha for when I get up. It’s so-so.

Just noticed I had a Harlingen visitor on Blogger around the same time I had one on Prosebox. The fact that they’re not showing up on TIP proves it’s from Molly’s residence, probably her mother since she appeared to be in Austin at the time, according to her blog. sighs So she’s STILL looking in on me, too? She was only in for a second as she was no doubt bounced out by the blocker, but how did she find my Prosebox account? Did Aly give her the link? It’s hard to believe she’d give her the link and not Molly. If Molly knew about it, though, wouldn’t she go there like she goes to every other blog she’s aware of?

Molly did mention going home in August. Mommy Dearest went through a handful of entries much like Molly would, which is part of why I thought it was her, spending less than a minute on most posts. She was obviously searching for something, no doubt her darling daughter’s name.

FRIDAY, JULY 25, 2014 Tom and I were laughing after I saw my primary care doc because I’m still not used to having a metabolism that actually works. When I got up I saw I was up a pound and figured it’d register on their scale when they weighed me. I don’t eat much my first couple of hours so I went straight to the appointment with nothing but coffee in me. To my surprise, I was back down a pound. I forget that these days if I don’t eat for a few hours, my body will really lose weight and not hold onto it forever, LOL.

The weekend’s almost here, though, and it’s going anywhere but down because I intend to enjoy all kinds of treats. :) Because I’m no longer in the obese range I don’t see any reason to really step up the action to losing those remaining 20 pounds. But never is a long time and so I’m not going to say I never will. Maybe I’ll be motivated to do so in the future. At least I now have that choice! :)

Getting that suture removed didn’t tickle. It was like having your hair pulled. We picked up the ointment she called in for me after seeing the counselor. We picked it up at Sam’s and decided to eat there, too. He got a hot dog and I got a couple of slices of pizza which I nearly finished that’s how famished I was by then.

Traffic was an absolute nightmare coming back from the doctor, but not too bad coming home today. Got hung up by the usual creepers, of course.

For a while, after we got home I felt so tired that I wondered if I’d actually end up taking a nap, but I didn’t. I laid down a while and then I went out riding. I realize I’m probably going faster than I thought at some point, like maybe 15 MPH. I don’t ride leisurely. I go as fast as traffic, people and the speed bumps will allow so as to get a good workout.

After my workout I drank some water at my desk for a short time, then I hit the shower. When I got out I found my heart raced up to 115 and I’m still not sure why it does that at times. I have nothing to be anxious about at the moment. I’m appointment-free for the next month! I wonder if it could still be the meds, but IDK. I just know that living with the possibility of one of these heart-pounding attacks hitting me, anxiety, meds or not, is a tough thing to live with. The thought of it makes me want to cry. It’s a truly yucky feeling and I hope this won’t be a new trend for me – these unbelievably physical, horrible, scary attacks – even if it’s only once in a while.

Had a dream I walked into Tammy's kitchen to find her struggling to clean the floor, so I quickly offered to help. I then thought to myself that I’d offer to clean her place whenever I could for $15. LOL, I’d want twice that much in real life.

Later…

After 45 days of doing surveys, I finally have the money for my next fun item, an erotic wall statue made of resin. “Rachel’s” a bit expensive, but I think she’ll be worth it and look good on the bathroom wall. My next goal, a silver toe ring with black footprints for my left foot, will take just a couple of days to earn. I love Amazon!

Lost another pound and am now down to 145 even though I’m not trying to lose weight right now and am mostly focused on achieving better peace of mind. I’m still following my usual habits – treats on the weekends, a comfy 1500 calories or so during the week. Plus I ride my bike around the park for 20 minutes most days.

I slept surprisingly horribly yesterday. I thought I’d sleep great since I don’t have to deal with alarms, appointments, deadlines and that extra stress on me, but nope. I stupidly left the volume on the sound machine a bit low and so a loud vehicle woke me up shortly after I crashed. I was just knocking back off after lying there a while when loud traffic woke me up again. So I upped the volume and threw in an earplug till the aroma of Tom’s food woke me up for good.

If there’s one thing and one thing only I could change about this park it would be to get rid of that damn road in back! Or to at least close it while I was sleeping.

I had sad dreams along the way, but I only remember one where I was in tears and said to Tom, “Doesn’t it sadden you to know we can never experience weather ever again like they have in California and Arizona, and now not even Florida?”

In real life, I couldn’t care less about Arizona, but it was like we were trapped somewhere, though I don’t know where. New England?

I discussed what happened down in Arizona with Dana so that may’ve triggered that “hopelessly stuck” dream. She asked if I was curious enough to look up whether or not my parents really did lose custody of me or if they gave me up. I told her that when I was younger I was curious, but now I don’t care. It’s done and over with, whatever really happened. I’m still guessing they lost me. It was much harder to lose your kid in the '80s since more people tended to look the other way, but after a while, things will catch up to you if you’re a shitty enough mother. It’s just too bad that while I had to pay dearly for something I never wrote (even Dana agreed the whole thing was insane even if I’d been guilty since I never did anything) my mother got away with child abuse.

On the bright side, I’ve been anxiety-free so far today and I hope it stays that way. I realize that only I can help myself with that. For me, there are no magical Gods, fairies, or angels. Just me, not that I don’t appreciate my husband and doctor’s help. Still, there’s only so much they can do. The rest is up to me. It’s like with quitting smoking. People can tell you all the time why you should quit, but only you can do the quitting.

Starting to think my Nebraska visitor isn’t Aly after all. Not unless she created a whole new account just to show up on my tracker from Prosebox which makes no sense when she could just go to Blogger. As a test, I asked her on Ask what she’s looking for in my journal but she hasn’t answered. Either way, her looking in on me, if it is her, isn’t going to kill me. I went to her blog, realizing that she probably didn’t code the entries themselves and she didn’t. No mention of me either.

I’m really surprised she and her trolls haven’t contacted me on Ask, and I’m also surprised Molly doesn’t peek in on me more often. That probably won’t change till the next time Aly dumps her.

THURSDAY, JULY 24, 2014 When I got up this morning I noticed Aly once again peeked in on my Prosebox account. But why? And why only that blog? I would think she’d want to remain hidden from my tracker no matter what blog she went to that she knew I could track, but why is she looking in on me when she told me before she didn’t read my journal because it was “better that way?” Was that a lie, too? I still can’t imagine her stalking me like Kim and Molly have, but I guess only time will tell. She shouldn’t be interested in me at all. Period. We’re done with each other, so what I have to say shouldn’t concern her any more than it should concern the other two. Just maybe she really didn’t give the others the link, though. Kim, I wouldn’t know because she likes to fly under radar, but I would think that Molly would’ve visited that blog if she had the link.

For now, I blocked Aly’s IP on Blogger and made my current Prosebox journal members only after blocking her old account there. I’m not updating my-diary right now and LiveJournal is still private.

Later…

It would be really nice if Alison could stop peeking in my Prosebox account. Just what is she looking for anyway? I made it clear that I can no longer trust her with the lies I’ve caught her in, the games she’s been a part of playing that nearly cost me a good friend, and the sites I suspect she’s hacked. She made it clear that it’s “refreshing” not to have me in her life. After all, I’m not crazy, I never told her I wished her cancer would kill her, and I don’t go around impersonating her or two-facing her at times either. Therefore, I’m not the type of person she prefers to have as a friend and she shouldn’t be interested in what’s going on in my life any more than her two online besties should be. I’m not interested in her stuff and she shouldn’t be interested in mine.

You know, the more I step back and look at Alison as a whole and not just her intelligent and creative side, I see a lot of similarities between her and the nutjobs she prefers as friends. Just like them, she is selfish and enough is never enough. No matter how much attention you give the 3 of them, they always demand more or claim to feel ignored and unsupported. What more do these people expect? Well, whatever it is, they’re not getting it from me, they’re never going to get it from me, so they might as well move on and keep their nose out of my business.

I temporarily made my Prosebox books members only and blocked her IP on Blogger, but I’m sure she’ll find a way around it. This is someone who’s a helluva lot more computer savvy than I am. If she can hack, she can change IPs or toss her cookies. She can always have others read my shit to her if need be, too.

Later…

So I met with Dana and she was very understanding. I guess they’re trained to be that way, as well as open-minded.

We managed to cover a lot of topics during the hour we spoke. I told her a little about the places I’ve lived, some current and past friends, some family members both dead and alive, being framed in Arizona by a bunch of lazy, vindictive white haters, the poverty trips that nearly killed us, and then my current health issues, including the accidental OD and anxiety attacks that followed.

We discussed my type of sleep disorder, which she’s heard of, and how offended I was to have some people call me a liar and an excuse queen that should have not only known me better than that, but what it was like to be judged themselves and how shitty it can make you feel to be accused, for example, of choosing to be ill or choosing to be gay when you know damn well that’s utter bullshit.

As we both know, though, someone is always going to be quick to judge or condemn us no matter what it is we say or do. I’m sure there are some people who would gladly call me a liar just for insisting my favorite color is pink, and others will say the only reason I didn’t do this journal entry earlier was that I was either lazy or had some deep dark psychological fear blocking me, no matter what reason I gave them for not doing it until now. But if you’re my friend you should know me better!

But what others believe isn’t what’s most important now. I’d gladly have tons of insensitive and cruel people critiquing and laughing every single day at my fears, phobias, doubts, worries and lifestyle before I had one anxiety attack a week. Even being angry was heaven compared to being anxious, fearful or depressed.

Just like I didn’t want the anger eating me up every day or to become too forgiving once again and had to work through that to improve in those areas, I now need to work on living in the moment. These days my PTSD stems more from the fear of poverty touching us to the degree that it did a few years ago, as well as all those nasty what-ifs. Not what my mother did or what the welfare bums and their corrupt ex-pig pal did. Today it’s all about fear of eventually losing the house or something really bad happening to Tom. I need to live in the present. Tom didn’t get into a car accident today that left him in the hospital or dead, so there’s no need to worry about or think of that. Our savings is low due to all the home improvements and needing a new car, but we have enough money to pay for the essentials, so there’s no need to worry about losing the house right now either.

She recommended I look up precognitive therapy online and I did. It helps refocus the mind on the here and now. Tonight. What am I going to do tonight? I’m going to wait till the temperature drops 10 more degrees and then I’m going to go out on my bike.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 23, 2014 Great news! The biopsy came back negative! No cancer, abnormal cells or growth or anything infectious bacterially or virally speaking. I do have enlarged hair follicles down there and it’s become a bit fibrosis in nature, but that’s normal for a lot of women. As a former exotic dancer, I wonder if it’s from all the years of having to shave. LOL, I told her this too, and she said it could be. Better – uhem – trim with scissors than razors.

Meanwhile, my doctor is sooo nice! Just so, so nice. Best doctor (and best looking) I’ve had in forever, but then again it’s been forever since I saw them regularly before this year. She’s very kind, patient and understanding. The kind I’d want for a friend if she weren’t my doctor. She knows writing and languages are my specialty, so I told her that if she ever needs a writer she can let me know. :)

Meanwhile, to back up a bit, I slept so long and well yesterday that I was up all night as expected. I took a Benadryl at 6am to help me sleep since I hadn’t taken anything in weeks. I began to read and then 15 minutes later my heart started galloping and that woozy feeling came over me, and I was like, oh no! I’m NOT going to take this shit now. I need to get to sleep. So I did the breathing exercises I read up on and it slowed my heartbeat down enough so I could get to sleep. Woke up a zillion times before getting up shortly before 2pm, but I’m not as tired as I was the first couple of hours. I should crash earlier tonight easily enough, then I see the counselor at 5pm, then believe it or not, that’s it till January! All I’ll have to deal with between now and then is the dentist, endo and eye docs. I don’t think I’ll reschedule the ultrasound at this point and I may cancel the hearing tests, too. Especially since we have to pay for those. I work at home. We don’t need to make sure I can hear the landscapers well enough.

The doctor said it was a good thing that I recognized the anxiety attack coming on (no doubt nervous about today’s appointment) and could get myself to relax. These attacks are a bit scary, though, because they’ve gotten more physical than I’m used to. I’ve always been an anxious type of person who doesn’t hold up well under stress when something’s going on, even if it’s not that big of a deal like today’s appointment. But this has a bit of a new twist to it. Anxiety has always upset my stomach. But this pounding heart and dizziness are more extreme than I remember it to be.

The doctor, who told me she thought I looked beautiful after I asked if I appeared that heavy, and said she often wished she was as short as me (blushes), said I was no longer obese and am now just 21 pounds overweight. I guess obesity is a BMI of 30 or higher. I think I was between 30-32. Anyway, I’m now 28 and should be 25. I’m not worried about it right now, though. If I get there, fine. In the meantime, I really like my weekend treats!

With the exception of the OD, it’s amazing how much better a tiny little pill can make you feel. A dead thyroid throws everything off. Everything. Not just your weight and metabolism. Still, it’s amazing that I can once again drink a simple little cup of coffee and not gain a pound that hangs on for dear life unlike before. A sure sign that something was wrong. After all, most days I don’t stuff myself and I do keep pretty active.

I just wish things were going as well for Tom and Tammy. Tom and I were going to grab something to eat on the way home (the downside to having a working metabolism again is that I’m hungrier during non-PMS times). However, he started feeling dizzy so we came straight home. He thinks his ear may still be clogged up so we dumped more alcohol and peroxide in it. I think we stopped those treatments too soon, which has always helped him in the past.

One of my absolute biggest fears in life is Tom suffering any serious diseases or illnesses. If one of us absolutely must suffer and must have issues, I’d rather it be me, of course. I’m sure we all feel that way when it comes down to ourselves or the ones we love. My condition isn’t “serious” as long as I take my medicine. If I stop, then yeah, it would eventually kill me. Or some other complication caused by the disease itself would.

As much as doctors are a pain in the ass, hotties or not, and as much as the co-payments add up, it’s nice to have finally gotten everything dealt with and taken care of so I won’t have to die of a coma, heart attack or stroke, and keep on wondering if I’m infected down there. I’m glad I’ve established doctors for my issues and that if anything were to go wrong, I’ve got someone I can call and we wouldn’t have to hunt for who to call and then get set up with them and all that. California’s expensive and NorCal gets cold in the winter, but if I were suddenly moving to a nice toasty warm tropical climate, I don’t know that I’d like having to give up these doctors to hunt for new ones. Well, I won’t have to cross that bridge for many years to come, if I ever do.

Tammy has, though. She’s still getting established with new doctors in Florida and is doing terribly. The heat and humidity are getting to her and she’s been nauseous and having lots of trouble breathing. She’ll be seeing a pulmonologist on Friday. Damn, I wish that girl could just quit smoking!

TUESDAY, JULY 22, 2014 Built my first practice app of a kitty that purrs when you touch its picture. It’s too bad Tom had to walk me through the tutorial, but what’s most important is that I learn as opposed to how I learn.

Andy surprised me with a VM last night letting me know he loves me. How sweet. As I told him and Tammy, that number will be no good in the fall. I’m not going to renew the MagicJack. Too many problems with it and not worth it since we have smartphones. Best phone I ever had! Meanwhile, the MJ phone, which has no actual phone, hooked up to it right now, is a convenient way to pick up messages online until it expires.

Went bike riding yesterday evening. It was my first time around the perimeters since the OD, and it was great. The temperature and lighting were perfect. There was still enough light to see well enough yet late enough to be free of traffic. I feel such a sense of freedom and so carefree when I’m flying through the park on my bike. Don’t know if I’ll go out tonight, though, since we went swimming earlier.

The pool was chilly. I miss those triple-digit temps. They’ll be back at the end of the week. We went in the Jacuzzi, then I let myself heat up in the sun and get a little more color before jumping in the pool.

Unfortunately, I slept till 2pm, so I’m hoping I’m not up too late this morning. I want to get at least 6 hours of sleep before my appointment at 4:30. I’ll be learning the results of the biopsy and finding out my options. Then I see the counselor tomorrow at 5:00. I just want all these appointments to slow down! I’d really, REALLY like a couple of weeks off.

Had a dream I was at Valleyhead again and my parents were still alive. I hate those dreams but they could be worse. Anyway, I don’t know if I had just graduated or if it was vacation time, but it occurred to me that I had to call my parents to come and pick me up. It was getting late in the day and I knew they might not be able to get me that day since they were over an hour away. I had no way to call them and so I asked some guy who had come to pick someone up if I could use his cell phone. He refused and acted as if I’d asked for 100 bucks. The dream ended with me being bummed at the thought of having to stay another day or more until I could get my parents to pick me up.

In the other dream I remember, my brother was alive again. He and Tammy were together somewhere when he called me and asked me to boost Tammy's confidence by telling her that our mother really did love her and all that. I didn’t want to lie to her, though, since our mother’s treatment of us said otherwise, and for some reason, Tom seemed highly annoyed by my not telling Tammy what Larry wanted me to tell her. In reality, of course, Tom would want me to say whatever I felt was best to say.

MONDAY, JULY 21, 2014 Alone in the night while Tom is asleep I try not to think of all those “what ifs” that could go wrong in life. It is truly depressing if I do. What if Tom were suddenly diagnosed with something terminal? What if the cops came to this door saying he’d been killed in a car accident? What if circumstances beyond our control once again force us into poverty and we lose our place? What if, what if, what if?!

Trying to switch my mind off isn’t always very easy. I don’t suppose the counselor I’ll be seeing eventually will have any magic words for me, but maybe she can suggest something I haven’t already thought of.

I’m worried about my biopsy results, though I know that logically there’s really nothing to worry about.

It isn’t so much all the health issues that are getting to me so much as all the damn appointments. I have one curable and two treatable health conditions, so it’s not like there are a dozen or more conditions I’m juggling. It’s just that I have to go to the ear doctor, then the eye doctor, then the dentist, then the GP, then the counselor, and it just never seems to end. It gives me comfort in knowing no one’s forcing me to deal with any of this shit. I can stop it anytime I want. But what good would that do me? Huh? What good would it do me?

Later…

Scheduled a late afternoon appointment on Thursday with a therapist named Dana. It’s cool how we can see pictures of doctors, dentists and therapists and other people online before we meet them so we know what they’re going to look like. Not that it matters, but she’s rather ordinary-looking. Blond, 40s, slim.

My day is just as ordinary, but ordinary can be a good thing, right? I’m going about my usual routine and once the sun sets I’ll go out on my bike.

Amazingly enough, I’m still ahead of schedule sleep-wise. It’s like it’s not rolling as fast, so we’ve noticed. Tom thinks it’s age. This is good and bad when you think about it. It’s good because it’s more stable, but bad if I suddenly have to flip my schedule for some reason.

Later…

Aly and I still have mutual friends? Really? WHAT mutual friends??? I was on Facebook when I typed in the name of someone whose name starts off similar to hers in the search area. Sometimes it’s quicker to get to a person’s wall this way, only I accidentally landed on hers. I could see old posts of mine, which she has set to friends of friends. When I logged out and peeked in through Tom’s account I couldn’t see them. I searched my friend list, but it’s showing no mutual friends at all.

It kinda sucks to know that she was probably friends with Kim and Molly on Facebook before I deleted her and they were seeing everything I posted. Everything. Including my friends’ activity. That’s probably why she always used to keep her friend list hidden. Mine is hidden too, but that’s to protect them from any potential troublemakers. I’ve also alerted them to the possibility of them coming around, though there haven’t been any problems yet, so I’m not too worried about it.

Aly may not be the most honest person, but she never struck me as the type to stalk, bully or harass others. I mean, yes, we played a few jokes on the trolls way back when, but I mean stalking to the degree the others have. She’s just not the kind to contact or follow anyone who makes it clear they want nothing to do with her. And I don’t!

So then how do we have mutual friends? I’m not a friend of any of her friends. I never will be either. They’re all batshit crazy. Perhaps the only reason I could see them is that I’m the one who posted them, after all.

SUNDAY, JULY 20, 2014 We are experiencing some super weird weather today. Had someone told me yesterday, or even this morning, that it would rain this afternoon I would have laughed. But sure enough, it’s very monsoon-ish out there now. No thunder, wind or lightning, but there were clouds and rain. Very, very unusual for this time of year.

Rode a little over a mile before the rain hit and am enjoying a quiet, relaxing Sunday with Tom.

Alison peeked in my Prosebox account a while ago. Wonder if she cursed under her breath just like I did when I last went to her Thoughts blog to find she’d rigged it with tracking, and then when I went to find out Molly had rigged hers too, when I went to try to find out when she would be home so I could be ready to block that town’s current IP. I said to myself, “Watch, now Molly will make it a point to “peek back” as soon as she gets up,” and she did.

Or maybe Alison just didn’t care. I’m not going to care anymore if they peek in on me. I haven’t done anything wrong and I’m not about to run and hide or change accounts like they love to do.

I am curious, though, as to why she peeked in on me and I’m guessing it was to give the link to the trolls. Her only way to check up on me undetected is to disable cookies and go to Blogger since LiveJournal is momentarily private and I’m not updating my-diary. It was a direct jump so I’m guessing she came in either from her own account there or from the link I gave her in an email. She may’ve been curious to see if I was mentioning her, but if she was, the tracker put a damper on that curiosity. I still think she was just getting the link for the trolls, though she wouldn’t have to click through it to copy it. It doesn’t matter. I want nothing to do with the crazy trio. Still, I’ll mention anything I observe (in private), though these observations will be them coming to me and not me going to them.

I did have a Harlingen visitor but it couldn’t have been Molly because she’s definitely still in Austin. This was a few days ago. Unless the link was given to her mother or someone else she knows there, I doubt it was her.

SATURDAY, JULY 19, 2014 I have decided for once and for all that I am going to learn computer programming so I can write apps for Android. It's going to take time and patience, but I figure that if I can learn languages and write books, I can learn to program. I'm already a bit computer savvy and I've got the best teacher in the world… Tom!

We were talking earlier and he was telling me that if he’s wrong in thinking he didn’t get one of those jobs in his department he interviewed for the other day, then that would mean half a year or so of OT, which would mean mad money for a while even if they didn’t give him a raise. Whether he gets it or not, he still doesn’t have as much time as I have and so I’ve finally decided to have him teach me how to write apps and things like that, and then I can watch some tutorials on my own. I’ve always wanted to program but shied away from it because I’m not nearly as good with numbers as I am with words. But I can learn and learn I will! The way to improve on what we’re not good at is to do it, so he gave me a little taste today on Google’s App Inventor in which you’re not coding from scratch. You use their blocks of coding to build this and that, and you can see the changes both on your monitor and your phone. It’s pretty neat.

I suppose it’s possible that the more I delve into it the more confused and frustrated I may get, and well, not everybody can do everything. But I won’t know for sure if I can or not unless I try.

Speaking of codes, I wish Prosebox supported JavaScript and not just HTML. On other sites, I track I can tell where people go and not just that they’ve visited, but on Prosebox I can’t tell where people go. That’s because JS isn’t supported there and I have to use an HTML code, which gives me limited info. I’m hoping the guy adds the kind of CSS editor that the old OD site had.

Later…

This may sound funny, but I think I’m going to give up coffee for a while. For some reason, it just doesn’t appeal to me anymore unless it’s some expensive gourmet cappuccino or something like Starbucks that’s riddled with sugar and calories. There’s always hot chocolate and tea, though it’s a bit warm for any hot beverages of any kind right now.

A few people have asked if I think I know what caused the anxiety attacks I recently had. I know what caused them. They were triggered by my accidentally ODing and by all the appointments I’ve got that never seem to slow down. The ODing was very scary and I just felt overwhelmed with all the health stuff. All pills seemed evil to me for a while there. Even Ibuprofen suddenly seemed evil. I was afraid to take anything for a few days because the incident put a bit of a complex on me. Strangely enough, though, since they did the biopsy I’ve had a lot less itching.

I’m doing much better now, though, and am finding a balance between how much attention and effort I put into dealing with things. It’s one of those cases where you don’t want to avoid dealing with your problems, be it medical issues, anxiety, etc., but you don’t want to dwell on them either. If we focus too much on what’s wrong, we’ll never enjoy what’s right in our lives.

I made up my mind as far as whether or not to reach out to Aly and her crazy friends on Ask after going back and forth and back and forth. Do I consider the good in her and contact her? I asked myself, or do I consider the bad and the potential trouble that could come from the other two and stay away?

I asked Tom his opinion and his was to stay away. Not so much because of what they’ve done wrong, but because I told them to stay away from me. Therefore, it would be wrong of me to go to them after I told them for years to stay away from me. Really, I literally worked for years trying to get them to leave me alone. It took years to get them off my ass. So do I really want them back on it, fair of me or not? I definitely don’t! It seems only inevitable too, that the shit would eventually hit the fan with them again. You just can’t reject people like Kim and Molly without being stalked, pestered, followed and harassed, and it doesn’t go on for weeks or even just months. It goes on for years. No thanks!

Later…

Had a series of dreams last night that was both strange and sad. In one dream we gave 8 baby rats to a place like Goodwill.

In another, we were at a movie theater, a place we’ve had absolutely no desire to visit what with Netflix, Amazon and all the stuff you can watch right in the comfort of home. Never cared for movie theaters. If someone isn’t talking and distracting you, you still can’t pause the movie when you have to pee nor can you rewind a certain part you want to see again.

Anyway, the theater was showing two movies. Tom and I waited in the lobby when this woman came in with her 5 screaming brats. I hoped they weren’t going to be watching the movie we were going to watch. Then another woman starts screaming at her for being rude enough to not only bring her brood but to allow them to carry on like such animals.

As the woman was running scared with her kids and the woman going off on her was being ushered out, Tom pulled a pistol from his pocket and I asked him what he was doing with it. “We’re 75 now. We need this,” he said.

LOL, not that we could ever both be 75 at the same time. He wasn’t the only one packing a piece in my dreams, though.

The sad dream was that I moved into a ground-floor apartment with two bedrooms all by myself. Tammy stayed in the spare bedroom my first night there. Maybe it was in Florida? I don’t know where Tom was or how the rent was being paid but as I lay in bed that night I was very depressed and very annoyed at all the sounds I could hear around me within the building. I heard it all. Every fart, hiccup, cough, sneeze and word uttered.

I got up to use the bathroom and ran into Tammy who gave me a comforting hug and promised to keep me safe. I told her that if she ever needed a place she was welcome to have the other bedroom since I doubted I’d ever have a roommate.

“Don’t worry,” my sister said, “I’ve got you covered. Here, watch this.”

Tammy then pulled a pistol out of her robe pocket and fired at the ceiling where it met the wall.

“Don’t do that!” I said. “What if you shot out their water pipes upstairs or something?”

Tammy just shrugged, laughed and said, “Well, if I did… tough.”

FRIDAY, JULY 18, 2014 Keeping busy and feeling great. :) I circled the block on my bike 5 times in 9 minutes, which totals 1 mile. I still wanted to keep close to home in case I started feeling funny. Also, it was pretty hot out and I don’t need to burn myself anymore either. In a few days, I should be able to stay up late enough to ride around the park perimeters.

Got my online work done, the laundry done, and the grocery list made up, and tomorrow we’ll change the rats’ cage and hit the pool.

I’m just $15 away from my next fun purchase goal, which I would’ve reached a week ago had I not had such a rough time. I can get that in just a couple of days at the very most, so I’m not worried about it.

Those little girls came screaming by at 8pm and then at 9pm last night with mommy and grandma’s mutt. I’m almost positive they do live here and I realized that if their mother is a caretaker (caretakers can live here no matter what their age), then of course her kids could live here, too. Most moms are single these days so it’s easier for them to have such jobs where they live with the person they work for. This would also explain why no one’s complained. I kept wondering how the hell come no one immediately around them put two and two together when I’d already done so from several houses away.

I’m just glad they’re on the other side of the circle. Screaming kids are like nails running down a chalkboard. Very annoying and distracting. After all, one of the reasons I came here was to keep away from that sort of thing. Makes me realize I’m no longer as cursed as I used to be in the noisy neighbor department because it would’ve been just my shit luck to get next to or across from them. But we didn’t!

Gonna take it easy for the rest of the night and just listen to music, read, enter some sweeps, and maybe even watch a movie.

THURSDAY, JULY 17, 2014 I still have moments where I consider reaching out to Aly. I could email her and I could probably find her latest Ask account through the trolls before it too, is deleted.

But then I remember the lies and the possible drama that could come out of it if I did. I just don’t know what to do at times. Wait and see if she contacts me? I wouldn’t mind playing the 20 Questions game with her and maybe even the others if I knew no craziness and drama could come from it. Could Aly be honest? Could Kim be just Kim? Could Molly not make a million demands?

I don’t know what to do like I said. I miss Aly’s goodness, but don’t want to end up regretting anything. If I followed my heart, I’d consider joining in the fun. If I followed my head, I’d stay away. I have other friends who have caused me a helluva lot less grief and I know I should focus on them. Aly hasn’t caused me nearly as much grief as the others, but when one is connected to ticking time bombs, it’s not always good to get too close in case those bombs actually do explode. People change, though, so maybe the bombs have been diffused a bit over time.

Later…

Part of me kind of regrets removing old journals from Blogger. Maybe I’ll replace them some other time.

Today was the best for me since last week’s catastrophe. Tom picked up the lorazepam after work. Really, REALLY wish I’d had it a week ago! It says to take it every 12 hours as needed, but hopefully, it will be so long before I feel such intense anxiety that the stuff will be old and expired. Then again, I hope I never feel that again. It was awful and it made everything else seem awful, too. I was suddenly hyper-aware of every single ache and pain I felt. Things I would normally ignore were suddenly a big deal and the little things in life seemed even smaller.

The nurse that took me into the exam room said she too, has had anxiety, and that it’s actually pretty common. I described the symptoms – heart beating hard and fast, dizziness like you’re going to pass out, shortness of breath, upset stomach… She’s experienced it all as well and agrees it’s frustrating cuz you can’t control it. It’s a little easier to get it to back off than it is to prevent it altogether. Fortunately, though, I spent more time worrying that I’d get hit with an attack today than getting anything, though I didn’t actually worry that much. Not now that the appointment is over and I discussed things with the doctor and all that.

Meanwhile, I called one of the counselors on the list and left a message. She returned my call saying she didn’t accept my insurance plan. Then why was she on the list they gave me?

My heartbeat sped up to 127 last night after listening to loud music through headphones, but it quickly settled down and I didn’t have any other symptoms with it. Loud music does elevate the heart.

Did some ab exercises earlier and went around the block a few times on my bike. I’m gradually working back up into my usual fitness routine. It may be a few more days before I make it around the whole park. I don’t want to elevate my heart too much right now because it’s been beyond elevated for nearly a week. It needs some calm time.

Not much else going on. I won a stupid soccer ball and Nane kidnapped me in this dream I had where I went to visit her. She liked my company so much that she wouldn’t let me leave, LOL.

Oh, and I reactivated my old Ask account just to see what comes in, if anything, after all this time.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 16, 2014 I’m exhausted right now so I’m just going to say that the biopsy is done! I only felt a bit of a sting as the needle went in, then they took a sample of the little bumps or zit-like things, then they put a stitch in me, which needs to be removed next week. Had I known I'd need stitches down there I'd have ended up in the ER for damn sure!

Meanwhile, she thinks I've been having severe anxiety due to the trauma of accidentally ODing and that it's unlikely that my thyroid meds would affect me with such intensity after all these months. What happened a few years ago also gave me a case of PTSD, then there's the ADHD and the torturous week I’ve had, so she's sending me to a counselor and prescribing me lorazepam to take up to 2 times a day as needed. Next week I should know the results of the biopsy. I just wish all these appointments would slow down!

I assured her when she asked if I felt like hurting myself that I wasn't suicidal. I was in the past, but not now. Now I just want to feel better. Having the biopsy out of the way and knowing for sure it is anxiety and not just thinking it is, helps too, but I still have a lot of health issues to deal with. I miss the old healthy me who didn't take meds, even if she's always had some of these issues.

Apparently, some of it is Nane's fault. Haha, you'll LOVE this one, as I told Nane. I told the doctor that I wasn't sure at first if it was anxiety because sometimes it would creep up on me when nothing bad was on my mind. Then I told her I got all excited to get a special friend’s postcard when it hit me, and she said that getting excited could aggravate it. So Nane made my day AND gave me an anxiety attack! Frau Regenbogen could understand everything she wrote in German even if it was brief! Sorry, can't read the Greek, though, LOL. She said it just said, “Greetings from Greece.”

Anyway, I practically broke down in tears and told the doctor what happened. Instead of cutting me off and telling me to make another appointment to discuss it, she was very patient and compassionate. So was Maria, who came in to confer with the doctor over my problem downstairs.

I’ll write more details tomorrow. Right now I’m just beat. I just want to get into bed with the Kindle and relax till I crash.

TUESDAY, JULY 15, 2014 Funny how I get an alert every now and then from Yahoo! saying they got a login from an unrecognized browser. Really? Well, if it’s not just a glitch on their part, instead of creating a second sign-in I’ll just let them do it again and incriminate themselves. Chances are it’s just them fucking up. If it were hacked the alert probably would’ve given me the location. Gmail did when someone in Malaysia once hacked one of my old Google accounts. Besides, I never use this account. It only exists so I can use Flickr. If it were someone interested in my emails, that one wouldn’t be the one to check.

Did some cleaning and some online work. My anxiety’s picking up a bit with tomorrow’s biopsy looming over my head.

It’s much cooler today and even a bit cloudy. This is better for laying out at the pool, though I prefer to swim more than lie on the lounge chairs. Even if I had a deep dark tan right now, it’s not going to last forever anyway. Winter’s going to come and it’s going to fade.

Had a series of senseless dreams that consisted of bits and pieces of this and that. Something about Hawaii. Then a van that the cops and reporters decided wasn’t the type a serial killer that was on the loose was thought to have been using. Next thing I know I’m in that van that was parked in an empty parking lot by the building. A man knocked on the window opposite me and my first thought was, “It’s the killer! Run!” I took off running around a brick building that was 2 or 3 stories.

Then I walked through a long house I knew was ours. I painted a door green and the kitchen walls deep aqua. I decided it didn’t go well with the black countertops. In what I’m guessing was the neighborhood where this house was, Andy and I were walking when we came upon a shabby section where houses were rundown and welfare bums and gang bangers stood clustered outdoors. A couple of guys suddenly got into a fistfight and I was afraid one of the guys would be shoved into me as I walked by since it happened so fast and I was caught off guard.

I realized I was so busy working in this store that sold decorative items, in the last dream, that I didn’t have time to pick up messages. A woman asked me to order a flag for her with a cat, but she wanted a realistic cat and not a cartoonish cat.

MONDAY, JULY 14, 2014 Just a quick entry before Tom gets home in half an hour. I’ve felt pretty good today, though my number twos still seem a bit extreme at times and I haven’t been able to muster up enough guts to take the pill while alone just yet. I just do NOT want to deal with any yucky side effects if there’s a chance some of my anxiousness could be from that and not just due to being freaked out by what happened last week. So when he gets in I’ll take it and we’ll see if I get jittery and if my heart races and all that fun stuff.

Unless anything’s changed, we’re going to the pool later on. It’s over 100° out there, so it’s perfect for swimming.

He and I went to Sam’s yesterday and got free cleaning shammies after watching a presentation on Ibiz cleaning products. We stupidly spent $50 for 3 bottles of the stuff and fortunately for us, we’ve got 3 months to return it. I just don’t think it’s all that miraculous. Nothing I use – even this – will get rid of that damn white film that builds up from calcium and water spots on the shower doors. Nothing. I’ve tried every type of cleaner I can think of but it’s still there. But they’re just shower doors in the bathroom, so it’s no big deal. We will probably replace them someday since they are over 30 years old now, but it’s not a high priority.

We did a quick Zumba video together and it was ok, though I still prefer bike riding.

After having a night to “sleep on it,” as the saying goes, I still feel that ignoring Aly and the loonies she’s associated with is the best thing to do. Not to dehumanize her or anything like that, but we never actually met face to face, so that changes things a bit. It’s a bit different than when you let someone go that you actually knew in person.

Later…

I’d say there’s a good chance Aly did read my last rant about her, another lie since she said she didn’t read my blog because “it’s better that way.” The reason I say this is because she tweeted “There's so many ways I could handle this but I know I made the right choice and I’m proud of myself.”

I figured she’d see it. If I can’t stay away from peeking in on her (not that I regret dumping her), why should she be able to keep away from me? The only difference is that I’m not like Kathy. I don’t harass the people I dump. I look in on them here and there, but that’s it.

She also said some things in her blog that suggest she read my entry, or someone read it and told her about it. Then again, maybe the tweet was in reference to the trolls. She hasn’t answered any questions yet on Ask today, and until and if she does, I can’t be 100% sure that tweet was in reference to me. But I’m in the 90s.

Anyway, although she admits in her blog she’s not perfect, that tweet just keeps on reinforcing my decision. She’s turning it around and making it look like I’m the one that burned her and she’s the one that dumped me. That’s called denial. Even if she could admit she lied and take responsibility for it, it’s too late. I’ve caught her in too many lies. They may be small ones, but they have a way of adding up.

Later…

Tom got in 15 minutes late and then I took my pill without incident. After he ate we went to the pool. It is super hot and dry out there today! Very Arizona-ish. No one was at the pool. The park is like a ghost town. No one even wants to sit outside in these temps of 105°. I’d probably die of a heat stroke riding my bike in it, but swimming is fine as long as you stay in the water. We weren’t even there for 15 minutes and we got color.

I’m so happy for Tammy and Mark! They got an offer on their house close to what they were asking for, and after two months of being alone, Mark can now finally join Tammy and begin their lives in their new state.

SUNDAY, JULY 13, 2014 I’m thrilled to say I haven’t had a shred of anxiety since yesterday afternoon. Words can’t express how immensely relieved I am to get back to myself. It almost felt like life as I knew it was over and like I’d never get back to normal. Those 4 days of hell (God I hate that number with all the evil that seems to be associated with it) were just awful. I’d rather the bees come back and torment me. That was a different kind of scary. One where it’s scary but you know your life isn’t in danger. With the accidental OD, I just didn’t know what to expect.

I’m still going to mention the ADHD and anxiety to the doctor, though she may already know about the ADHD, and she does know I’ve had PTS before. It would be nice to have not a psych pill that you take daily, but for something when you’re going through super traumatic/stressful events. They gave me Xanax at the dentist after that county quack put a complex on me by making pulling that back molar a nightmare and a half. But I got over the dental block and now I’m getting over the levothyroxine block. I took the pill this morning and did the breathing techniques I read about online to help keep me calm and haven’t had any problems since I took it over 3 hours ago. This makes me think Tom was probably right and it was all anxiety I was suffering and not side effects.

I’m still just a little fatigued since I’m still not eating as much being that it was such a truly traumatic ordeal it really took a lot out of me. Sometimes it takes a few days to spring back. They listed more symptoms I’ve had than they did for levothyroxine side effects and symptoms of an impending heart attack. Even the neck pain was listed.

So anyway, I read up on anxiety and how it can come on either consciously or subconsciously, but you can’t necessarily will it not to come on. Still, I chanted to myself over and over again, “I will NOT be anxious, I will NOT be anxious.” I feel like a bit of a wimp, but I also know it isn’t my fault and that people don’t ask for shit like this. Makes me feel like an idiot when I’d tell anxious people to “just not worry about it.” If it were that simple no one would have anxiety or panic attacks.

Aly put a smile on my face when she responded to my telling her on Ask last night that I was sorry she was having it rough. She had been wondering how I was doing and said she hadn’t read my blog cuz it’s easier that way, but knows the frustration of having conditions you can only treat but not cure.

Later…

As I’ve mentioned before, I had my moments where I questioned if my dumping Alison was the right thing to do, and yes, I will use her first name. First names are harmless, and she claims she no longer reads my blog anyway. During a moment of boredom, I Googled her Twitter and Ask username, suspecting she created a Thoughts blog with that name and she did. I couldn’t read it all because that site is notoriously fucked up. It’s why I won’t blog there. There are always, always glitches, login issues, etc.

What influenced my final decision to let go for good and helped confirm that walking away is in fact doing the right thing was basically how she won’t take responsibility for lying to me. She basically blames me and says “It's refreshing not to be friends with someone who takes even the slightest thing and makes a big deal out of it.”

Lying’s no big deal? Come on! Who the hell does she think she’s kidding? Then it’s on and on about how alienated and ignored she supposedly feels and how much that hurts yet I have done nothing but reach out to her and wait days, sometimes weeks, to hear back from her. One can only do so much, and well, what more did she want me (and others) to do?

Then she said, “Yeah, I do miss your creativity and your honesty, but I will never miss…you know what? I'm not going to finish that statement. I don't like thinking badly of people, even when I have every reason to. Perhaps it's our ages and life experiences that made things end the way they did.”

Wrong, Aly. They turned out the way they did because you LIED to me. Get it? You lied. L-I-E-D. Again, it isn’t that I have a problem with her deciding who she wants to be friends with; it’s that she lied about it. So if she has a problem with me having a problem with her lying to me when I asked if she’d heard from the trolls, then I’ll find it just as refreshing not to be her friend. You lie, you lose people. Period. So if she wants to be “hurt” over being ignored, maybe she’ll think about why she’s ignored, and then maybe she’ll stop bullshitting the ones that do keep in touch with her and that wait weeks to hear back from her.

I know the crazier a person is the more she’s drawn to them and the more she wants to keep in touch with them, and while I may not be perfect, I don’t have the types of mental health issues Kim and Molly have to make me all that appealing to someone like her. She obviously prefers them unstable, and that’s fine. That’s her right. But I DO see lying as a big deal. This wasn’t like when you ask someone how they are and they say “fine” when they’re really not quite all that fine.

That really pissed me off when she told me she couldn’t think of an answer that was less than bitchy when I first contacted her on Ask, acting as if I were the bad one and I was the one that lied. What the fuck did she expect? I couldn’t believe it when I saw that. I was like, “Whoa, you want to be bitchy when you’re the one that lied?” I’ve been there for her, I’ve been honest, I’ve waited on her while she had her fun keeping in regular contact with the crazies… well, no more!

If she thinks I’m such a bitch for calling her out on her lies, wait till Molly takes a shit fit on her for not answering her texts in just 5 minutes, and wait till Kim dumps her for calling her out on one of her impersonation games or something like that. If she wants to go round and round with the same old cycle of shit, she can go right ahead. Me? I’d rather remove myself from such toxic, juvenile crap.

So if she finds it more “refreshing” to not be friends with one who calls her out on her own lies vs. one who wishes her cancer will kill her, so be it.

Do I think she’s fed the others info about me? Probably not, though at this point I don’t care if she did. Do I think she’s hacked sites on her own time? I don’t know. Do I hate her? Definitely not. But I don’t do liars, no matter how big or small the lie may be. A lie is a lie. Period. And if you can lie about one thing, you can lie about other things. I also don’t want to get swept up in any potential drama from the crazies she loves so much. The connection to them is simply too close if I remain friends with her, which is no doubt why she lied to me about patching things up with them again. Everyone I’ve ever met through her has been crazy. Just batshit fucking crazy. These people are always dumping and creating new accounts too, like they’re running from something. I’m sure they’re up to no good and I don’t want to get involved.

Well, they can all have each other. I’ll miss her good points, but the trust is gone. When you can’t even admit your mistakes and you blame the person you lied to by making it as if they’re the ones who did wrong, I want nothing to do with you. Even if she took responsibility and apologized to me right now, how could I be sure she wouldn’t lie in the future? I couldn’t, so she can rest assured that I won’t be looking in on her blog anymore or any other account of hers like Ask or Twitter. We’re done. Period.

Later…

Sometimes I wish Andy worked outside of the house for 8 hours and slept 8 hours most nights too, so I wouldn’t feel obligated to play the Ask game as much with him, but it seems very few people are like Tom. They may sleep around 8 hours or so but so many people are home so much of the time. It’s amazing that the average household income is 50k these days. But how? How are they getting the money if they’re always home? Either way, Andy did get two new clients recently so maybe that’ll keep him busier.

I saw a horrifying video the day I OD’d which Becky, a VH sister shared. She shouldn’t have, and I hate that these things are allowed online for anyone to see. I’m so sorry I saw it. The images will be forever ingrained in my brain. Maybe that also fed my anxiety. IDK, but I do know that Muslims are sicker than sick. Their game is to force Christians to convert to Muslims and then behead them.

I can’t imagine the utter terror of knowing I was about to get my head cut off! Ugh!!! How was the guy who was about to die able to even speak when they forced him to repeat after them (those in charge of this barbaric and sadistic execution) when “converting” him? I’d have passed out with utter fear. Yet he knelt down and spoke steadily enough in Arabic (there were English captions and as they killed him they chanted “There is only one God!). If I knew I was going to be murdered simply for what I believed, I’d be less than cooperative. They probably threatened his family if he didn’t comply.

Anyway, it was disgusting. It was sick. It was INHUMANE. Muslims aren’t human, they’re animals. Nothing but sick, twisted and positively insane animals. I don’t understand how this can be legal anywhere. You think this shit happened hundreds of years ago, but that’s wrong. It’s happening right now in 2014. How can another person’s beliefs drive someone to such gruesome insanity? Regardless of why the Muzzie decapitated the guy’s head, how could they have the stomach to do it and how could they sleep at night without nightmares, guilt or remorse of any kind? I just don’t get that. I know doctors open people up and operate on their guts, but this was no operation to help someone during which they were rendered unconscious. This was an animal disguised as a human that inflicted an unimaginable amount of pain and terror on a fully conscious human being.

And all because of what he believed.

SATURDAY, JULY 12, 2014 I’m still not sure what to do where Aly is concerned. First I thought of how she said she couldn’t come up with an answer to my question on Ask that wasn’t at least slightly bitchy, and was like, WTF? You lie to me and then you think you could only give me a bitchy answer as if I were the bad guy? Screw that!

Then I think it’s pointless to be all pissed off about such petty stuff since there was so much more good in her than bad. I honestly don’t know what to do at this point. I just don’t. I think that for now, I have enough on my plate. I still feel kinda crappy at times and I have that and my upcoming appointments to deal with. And like I said before, I’ll miss her at times but I don’t want to get caught up in any drama she’s connected to. I wish her the best, including with the upcoming job hunt which I guess may be part of why she’s buddied up with past trouble; to keep them from badmouthing her in a way Google would take note of. Whatever, though. I mean that’s for her to worry about and not me. For now, I won’t say I’ll never ever talk to her again because never is a long time. Maybe someday when I’m feeling better for longer than half a day. I know I told her not to contact me, but truthfully, I don’t care if she reaches out to me or not. I won’t ignore her or anything like that. Right now I’m just really worried about my health. I’m not in the proper frame of mind to deal with other things right now.

I’m still having waves of what Tom is pretty sure is anxiety. I talked to Tammy and they both think it’s connected to anxiety, but Tammy also thinks the levothyroxine could have a part in it. However, Tom doesn’t think it’d be likely for me to get side effects this late in the game but admits he’s no expert and can’t know for sure. He’s leaning toward anxiety alone because of the traumatic experience I went through, my upcoming appointments playing on my mind, plus the fact that I’ve pretty much always been an anxious person.

It really does suck. I’ll feel like I’m jittery or like my heart’s racing even though I can hold my hands steady and my heartbeat isn’t that high, and then I’ll feel sort of lightheaded and have to run and go poo-poo.

Tammy was once on Xanax for anxiety where she was jittery, couldn’t sleep, and couldn’t turn her mind off. She thinks that even if I’m feeling better when I see the doctor on Wednesday, I should still address the ADHD/anxiety and see what I can take for it. After what the Navane did to me and how dependent I got upon it, I hate to turn to any drugs to cope, but I realize things have changed since the 80s, and this is no way to live. It’s a horrible, miserable feeling. I’d take a whole damn pharmacy of pills if it’ll make me feel better.

So what do I think? Anxiety is probably for sure, but I don’t know about the levothyroxine at this point. The symptoms are right on, but again, many different conditions/problems can have the same set of symptoms.

I just want to feel like my old self again! This is scary, frustrating and even a bit depressing. Worst I’ve felt since moving here. I want the happier me back whose biggest worry was listening to those annoying landscaping sounds or having PMS. I try to take Tom and Tammy's advice and remind myself that nothing I’m going through is life-threatening, and there’s no sense in worrying about things I can’t control like when I get stressed out over what-ifs. What if Tom gets killed in a car accident? What if we go broke again? All those what-ifs and the thought of growing old, us having no one to help us, dying… I’m trying to put it all out of my mind but it’s sometimes easier said than done.

In happier news, I got a huge stuffed realistic Saint Bernard at the Goodwill store today and Tom got this remote-controlled robot that he wants to program to do different things with. He loves doing things like that. The dog is so huge I spotted it from the other end of the store. At first I thought it was a border collie but nope.

I also won him a T-shirt. That’s better than nothing, but I miss winning big!

And now I feel just fine again. It comes and it goes, comes and goes.

FRIDAY, JULY 11, 2014 I’m now the best I’ve been since the accidental OD, but last night got a little scary. Earlier, I was doing a paid survey around lunchtime when my heart started racing and I got that jittery feeling, but fortunately that didn’t even last a minute. When Tom got in I felt even better. By 6pm I noticed I’d been up nearly 16 hours (16-18 is normal for me) and so I got into bed and read for a while. That’s when the trouble began, and as much as I may feel like an idiot and a bit of a wimp, I’m glad to say that it was almost certainly an anxiety attack and nothing else. But I didn’t know this at the time. I ended up being up for 22 hours and was questioning every ache, cramp and pain I felt. Many diseases can have the same set of symptoms. I had pains in my neck, my chest, and an upset stomach. These can not only be leftover effects from the double dose, but they can also be anxiety or signs of an impending heart attack.

My fear and frustration were so great that I woke Tom up. I felt horrible. He felt confident it wasn’t my heart and admitted that while I may have problems in the future, the recent cardiogram didn’t show any signs of trouble, and knowing me, I was likely having a panic attack due to my fear of what may happen when taking the Levo again. Feeling physically drained and in a state of panic also made me feel depressed, hopeless and helpless. It worst night I’ve had since being here, even though Tom reminded me that people deal with insomnia all the time, I’d be ok, nothing bad would happen when I next took my medication, etc. Still, I was a basket case. I tossed and turned in bed, my mind raced, my heart raced, I felt short of breath, I had bouts of crying, and it was just like OMFG! This is NOT like me. Of course Tom had to laugh later on and say, “Yes it is. Nothing’s ever just a little bad for you. It’s a horrible, huge kind of bad,” not that he doesn’t understand how truly terrifying the OD effects were on me, and agrees anyone would be scared.

When I was in tears I was saying how wonderful our lives had been for years until all these health problems came to ruin it, and he hugged me and assured me it was just two minor issues that millions of people have. When I’m calm I can totally agree with him, although there are many other nuisances I have to deal with along with the thyroid and cholesterol – my ear, eyes, teeth, female stuff – and this can really add up and seem overwhelming when you’re feeling shitty. Little things seem like big things when you’re either upset, sick or both.

So after a truly torturous night of realizing I was almost as stressed out as I’d sometimes be back in the trailer (really, I don’t know what’s worse at times, financial or health problems), I fell asleep, and as Tom suggested, managed to fight the urge to take something to help me sleep like a melatonin or a Benadryl. I was surprised to sleep just 6 hours and not 10, but as he pointed out, taking stuff was probably what was messing my sleep up. Had I taken something I probably would’ve woken up more often along the way (I only awoke once during the night), and I would’ve slept longer. This way I got just the amount of sleep my body needed.

So it was 6:30, Tom was already up, and I felt tired. Worse, my heart was racing in anticipation of taking that dreaded levothyroxine, but I knew sooner or later I needed to take it. I will cover that in my next post, but obviously, it didn’t kill me since I’m able to type this one. :)

Later…

Due to the combination of me being sick and so on edge, Tom stayed home from work. He has tons of vacation time but I still feel a touch guilty even though he assures me it’s fine. Yeah, but the company barbecue was today and he could’ve won something nice in the raffles they’re having, but… shrugs what’s done is done. It was just not a good day for me to be left alone. I knew that the only thing that would make me feel better was to let enough time pass so that the effects of the OD could wear off, and seeing that I could take my meds again without something horrible happening, and I wasn’t about to do that alone. I am not only grateful as hell to him for being so caring but that he has such great benefits at work, especially when it comes to time off. It’s a lot like they have in Europe. I was also glad for once that I didn’t have an outside job. Despite all that’s gone on I haven’t missed much work since I can work at home.

Tom was telling me about his oldest brother Raymond (now dead) who was in the roofing business. He fell off a building something like 40 feet and damaged his neurological system. He also broke some bones, and one of his feet was so damaged the bones were basically like powder. They made a mold the same size as his foot to replace them with. Well, one day his heartbeat reached 200 and a doctor and a nurse each injected a medication into one of his arms (I don’t know the name of it) at the same time. This slowed his heart down to normal in seconds. Now THAT must have been utterly terrifying!

Anyway, I got up, relieved to find him home and glad I wouldn’t have to finish my recovery alone. I knew that by Monday when he returned to work I’d either be completely over what happened, or something was seriously wrong with me and I’d end up in the hospital.

My oxygen level was good when I got up, but my heartbeat was 135 and I felt both tired and nervous. He reminded me that it’s normal for our heartbeats to be elevated upon waking up as the adrenaline shoots through the body to get everything going again.

Since my stomach was empty which is how it’s supposed to be when taking Levo, I took it and hoped for the best, all the while he sat with me and assured me that I was taking something natural to the body and simply replacing what my body stopped producing on its own. Passing the 10-minute marker without incident (which is about when I had the bad reaction after stupidly taking a second pill) had me relieved as hell. My heartbeat dropped to 85 and I practically felt like a whole new person. So yeah, I did definitely OD, and yeah, I was experiencing anxiety last night, worried about a freak chance of it being an allergic reaction I had, even though that’s almost impossible.

I had no idea I was doing this shit in my sleep, reaching for pills to place on the shelf and all that. It reminded me of this notebook I used to keep by my bed in the other place to record dreams upon waking me up. A few times I awoke to find the notebook on the floor and pages torn from it and strewn about the bedroom floor. I was like, WTF? Well, I’ve never been known to sleepwalk, but from now on no more pills but the usual over-the-counter stuff that’s always been there will be on the headboard shelf.

I had a peach yogurt, perked up fast, and then enjoyed a little retail therapy at Walmart. Those simple pleasures in life suddenly seemed divine and I splurged on tons of new wax melts for my warmer so I’d have plenty of variety. The only ones I wish I had were patchouli and something with grape and lavender. I can find those on Amazon no doubt. What I have here will last me a year! It’s a great alternative to candles and incense. It’s even better than plug-ins and sprays because those don’t have such a huge variety or last as long. You also get so much less for so much more money that way.

Anyway, it’s just so great to be feeling so much better. I’m really starting to feel like my old self and I even did some ab exercises earlier. Tomorrow if I don’t get back on my bike I will at least hit the pool. We’ll see how Tom’s ear feels. One of his ears is blocked with wax and we’re pouring a mix of alcohol and peroxide in it to help it. He’s had this before and this remedy has always worked. It just takes some time.

In recent dreams, I was at a reunion with my Valleyhead sisters. We all hugged each other at one point and I said, “Ich liebe meine Schwestern” (I love my sisters).

Then my bike was in the living room in another dream and it turned into a motorcycle as I was walking it out the front door.

For scented wax cubes I got:

Brownie Pecan Pie

Butterscotch Maple Cream

Buttery Shortbread

Calypso Sands

Chai Tea

Cherry Berry

Coffee Cake Swirl

Cucumber Melon

Cupcake

Fresh Air

Ginger Peach

Ice Raspberry Sangria

Illusion

Kiwi Watermelon

Mountain Twilight

Orchid Paradise

Papagayo Beach

Perfect Summer Day

Pure White Woods

Sugared Pecans

Sweet Pea

Tea Thyme

Tropical Plumeria Petals

Tropical Fiesta

Vanilla Caramel Spice

Vanilla Woods

Vintage Lace

Warm Apple Pie

White Suede Driftwood

Wild Berry Cheesecake

Wild Blueberry Pie

Wild Woodland Blooms

Later…

Last night I had a soft-hearted moment of sorts and let Aly know that while I was pissed, it was hard to stay mad at her forever. She knows how I feel. She can be friends with whoever she wants and go through as much shit as she wants with people. It’s her life. But I don’t trust her the way I once did because I have no way to know for sure what info she’s divulged or anything else she may’ve done that involved me. I still think overall she’s as good of a person as she is smart. But we can’t truly know someone, especially if we never met them.

Instead of answering the message on Ask, she did so on Twitter. Not sure why, but that’s ok. I deactivated that particular Ask account again because I so rarely use it.

She let me know she misses me too, and I realized that sometimes it’s best to just miss someone than to take risks where they’re concerned.

Planter’s salted caramel peanuts are to die for, so I learned today when I spotted them at the store. I usually don’t like salty foods, but these are like wow!

Also, the Vintage Lace is the best of the wax melts. Reminds me of White Shoulders perfume and that old Bump & Grind incense I used to get.

THURSDAY, JULY 10, 2014 Feeling better after yesterday’s scare from hell on our 1-year anniversary in this house, but still a bit shaken up emotionally. It’s a bit hard to focus.

Just to clarify things, I didn’t go to the hospital yesterday. The paramedics took my BP and hooked my heart up to a cardiogram to be sure no signs of a heart attack were present. We also have one of those finger monitors that tells you what your oxygen and pulse are and even when I felt a bit breathy I was still at 99% oxygen. My heart was a little over 100 and now it’s down in the 80s. I naturally have a rapid heartbeat, but over 100 is a bit much unless I’m doing something strenuous.

A horrible thought hit me and that’s that there’s the slim possibility I didn’t double dose myself and the first pill I took was actually a melatonin, but I don’t think so. Gosh, I hope that wasn’t the case! If it is then that would mean I had a serious allergic reaction all of a sudden to the Levo and it will happen again. Tom doesn’t think it will, though, and he thinks I did indeed accidentally go double-dosing.

I felt awful all day yesterday but when Tom got home that calmed my nerves quite a bit. I am so grateful for him. I’d be lost without him. Some things you just want to be left alone to deal with, but this wasn’t one of them. This wasn’t a simple cold or anything like that that was familiar to me and that I knew was totally harmless. He felt bad he wasn’t home when the nightmare happened. The whole thing not only made the little things in life seem like nothing, but it made me realize I could never live without him. Makes me wonder how I survived those pre-Tom years alone! I was young and healthy then, though I did smoke and had some scary asthma attacks. Life was harder but simpler then, especially when it came to dealing with doctors. Now so many things are so complicated and while I may be better at languages and writing than he is, he’s much smarter with other things that are hard for me to figure out and deal with. While I still hate my mother and make no excuses for the things she did when she was alive, I can see where she wouldn’t have wanted to take her medication in the end after dad died, and why she just let herself wither away.

I almost wished they had given me a shot of anti-anxiety medication and sent a counselor to hang out with me till Tom got in, that's how bad my stress was. Sometimes the fear and stress that goes with the actual physical problem can be just as bad, if not worse. One minute I'd be thinking I might be feeling better, the next I’d just want to cry. I have lived with constant everyday fear of dying and it's getting old. The older I get the more fearful of this I become, especially after what happened in 2007 and 2011. I've become such a worrywart. I fear us growing old and dying alone. I'd hate to be the one to go first and leave him all alone, yet I'd hate to see him die and be alone myself knowing I couldn't live without him but fearing I might not have the guts to kill myself as much as I know I couldn’t go on alone. I don't see how I could handle all these doctors and medical issues alone these days. Especially with no car and all the sleep issues I have which only makes things harder.

I tell myself to quit worrying about getting old or developing any serious illnesses until we actually get there. Even Tom tells me this. But it's easier said than done at times. He also says our future actually looks brighter than ever and we're only going to be old for a small part of our lives. True, but each moment you're suffering from whatever you’re suffering from feels like an eternity. I just do NOT handle stress well. There's no denying that much. When the shit hits the fan I'm the basket case from hell.

Tom speculates I might've actually had HYPERthyroidism 20 years ago cuz I used to be hyper, get a racy heart at times, and could eat all I wanted and not gain weight. Then I gradually went from hyperthyroidism to HYPOthyroidism. This kind of does make sense when you think about it, so he might be right. What’s scaring me is the thought of ever taking the Levo again. I’m not taking anything at all today and when I do take it next, I’ll make sure Tom’s home. For now, I’ve emailed my doctors to let them know what happened and to see if they have any advice for me.

Anyway, I slept 7 hours and of course I woke up a couple of times along the way. I thought I’d sleep 8-10 hours after being run through the wringer. Everything hurt. My head hurt, my eyes felt like sand had been thrown in them, and my chest muscles ached like hell. I’m still tired and a bit down, but better physically. Going through something like this suddenly makes everything in both the present and future seem so bleak, scary and hopeless.

Lost 6 pounds in less than a week. I should be thrilled. Instead, I’m not giving a shit after what happened. I’d be bigger than a football field before I went through that again!

It was nice to hear from friends and family online. I appreciate them for caring. :)

Later…

Next door just took off for their second trip of the day. More cataract surgery? Nah, it was just Bob. Unless it’s his turn for that. After what I went through I almost welcomed any neighborhood distractions. I usually love my space and work best on my own, but I just did NOT want to be alone. Today I actually like knowing I’m surrounded by houses instead of isolated in the woods, as funny as that may sound. I mean, what can they do for me, right? Sissy or not, that’s how I am at times.

I sent messages to both my PCP doctor and my endo doc. Another doctor replied saying my PCP was out today and would hold that message for me, and that I may have taken a double dose. Yeah, that’s what I’m still leaning toward as opposed to thinking I grabbed the melatonin at 1am, took a Levo at 6am, then had an allergic reaction. Even Tom stressed that he doubted I’d suddenly react to a normal dose like that after all these weeks.

I guess it’s that time for all the doctors of NorCal to be on vacation, cuz now it turns out that my endo doc’s out, too. They said I shouldn't necessarily have an allergic reaction to the levothyroxine. Some people are allergic to the fillers that hold the medication together. For now, try it tomorrow and see how I feel. If it happens again, let them know.

It better not happen again! I can’t go through that shit again. I really can’t. As a few friends and followers were saying, once the hard starts pumping wildly, it causes you to panic and that makes it worse. When I’m feeling ok it's easy to think of the possibility of dying and say, "Well, if I die I at least made it home first and it's not like I'm really young or anything like that." But that attitude changes very quickly when you’re suddenly faced with a crisis and that survival instinct automatically kicks in.

It sucks either way. I don’t want to take this medication ever again but I have to or else I will eventually die and feel like shit until I do.

For now, I’m just immensely relieved to be feeling better, though I’m taking it real easy. No working out or cleaning or anything. This is the first time in a long time I will go 3 days without working out. I think tomorrow I can get back on that bike, though.

The paramedic who said it’d boost my metabolism wasn’t kidding. When I could finally walk into the kitchen and grab a bite to eat and some water to keep from being dehydrated since I was having the runs, I did a little test. When my metabolism was at its deadest a lousy cup of coffee could put half a pound to a pound on me. After a 30-calorie kiddy smoothie yesterday the scale hadn’t budged either way. Not long afterward it dropped half a pound.

I read that the Levo (and Tammy confirmed this) can cause headaches, insomnia, swelling, nausea, and the runs. Fortunately, I haven’t had any nausea.

Yesterday I wished I could go back to complaining about any noise as that suddenly seemed like nothing when I felt as shitty as I felt yesterday. But now that I can it’s quiet and the bricklayer is gone. I knew he’d be back, though, to work on that retaining wall. Nobody can get their home repairs done in just a day around here. Nobody.

Later…

A part of me misses Alison, but I realize that as much as I’ll miss her good points, I have to remember and consider that dishonest side of hers and the suspicions I’ve had about her possibly hacking into some sites and even accounts of mine. These suspicions are probably unfounded, but they’re there. And no matter how much she may try to reassure me she hasn’t given info about me to the nutjobs she so prefers to hang with, how can I know that’s true? If she can give me info, why not them? Ok, so I know we don’t always tell the same people the same things, but still.

I remember a while back she said – on Facebook, I think it was – how she wished she’d feel less ignored and hear from people more often. I thought this was strange because on every site we were connected on – Facebook, Twitter, etc. – she’d often go days and sometimes weeks without checking in. Now I know why. Because I wasn’t as crazy as she would prefer. If I was on disability and had MPD, or if I was in some home for the mentally fucked in the head and wrote about wanting to kill my parents in their sleep and all kinds of other crazy shit, THEN I’d be fun and interesting to keep in touch with more often.

But hey, you can’t make someone like or not like something or someone. They are the way they are, so I just have to respect that and back off. Especially since the trust has been shattered. One of the two traits that drew me to her and had me eventually consider her one of my best online friends ever was her intelligence and her honesty. Ah, but she was also dishonest and friendships must be based on trust. If you don’t have that, what do you have?

It’s strange that one as smart as she is would be drawn to those not right in the head. Usually, people like her want others like her while the crazies feed off of the crazies. Sure, her two favorite nuts surely have their good points and for a split, crazy, totally irrational second I actually considered joining not just her but all 3 of them. But I’m smart enough to know that the shit will eventually hit the fan and I don’t want to be caught up in all that drama and insanity again and the never-ending cycle of bullshit from her friends. I’ve finally broken free of that and I want to keep it this way. They will be kind and sweet one minute and then the next they do something to drive you away and then punish you for walking away by stalking and pestering you to no end. No thanks! Molly was nosing around in my blog yesterday.

But yeah, I do kinda miss her. She may have had her problems but she was real and I loved her intelligence and creative flair. Maybe I should’ve shrugged off what I learned and said, “Eh, no one’s perfect.” But it’s not like she failed to tell me she got a case of the hiccups or anything. She failed to tell me she’s tight with a couple of batshit crazy fuckers that could know anything and everything about me. Ok, so that can be argued too, since they don’t have any sensitive info about me. Not unless people know more about me than I think they do. But let’s say the nutjobs have my address. What are they going to do with it? Show up at my door and beat me up?

For now, I’ll miss her, I’ll wonder about her, but I will not be so closely connected to any madness, not that she’d necessarily welcome me back after dumping her anyway.

She’s telling Kim on both Twitter and Ask that she’s asked the same questions over and over again. She still doesn’t get it. Kim’s not just Kim. It’s each of her personalities asking and she obviously doesn’t realize this any more than Kim does.

Next door just returned from their third trip and I can tell this isn’t it because they parked in the carport and not the garage. I think that unless they’re dead or as sick as I was yesterday, this is the way they’ll always be, in and out. Except for Sundays, though, where they may only go out once.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 9, 2014 This morning just after 7am was the first time I prayed, not so much to any particular God or other unearthly entity, but just prayed that I would be ok. Coincidence? I don’t know and I don’t care. I’m just glad I survived the HUGE scare I had this morning!

I had been in the habit of reaching up and taking my thyroid medication within the last few hours of my sleep since I often wake up a million times anyway. Since it’s been about a week or more since I was taking melatonin supplements to help me sleep, I started taking them again to help me make my appointments next week without my schedule being too messed up and me too tired.

At 6:30 I was in the bedroom when I looked at the headboard shelf and saw the little pill sitting there and thought, WTF? Thinking I’d really taken melatonin and hadn’t set up the next levothyroxine pill for the following night, I took the pill.

Not long afterward my heart starts racing like crazy and I’m dizzy as hell. I was terrified! I stumbled into the kitchen and slammed on a yogurt as fast as I could because eating prevents this medication from being absorbed as much. That’s why I’m supposed to take it on an empty stomach.

I was both coherent and a bit disoriented. I had to stop and think just to call Tom at work. My hands were very shaky. I got his VM and then I called the paramedics for the first time in about 20 years because I just didn’t know what to do or if I’d be ok. It was scary! I called and told them what happened and that I ate a yogurt to try to block some absorption. Levo has a fine line between being helpful and toxic. She told me not to eat or drink anything else till help arrived.

At first I was worried I would collapse before making it to the door, but I managed to get out the back and stumble down the driveway. When the fire truck arrived right before the ambulance, I was in tears and practically hugged the guy, that’s how relieved I was that they were finally there.

They checked my BP and heart and said that while they weren’t doctors they believed I’d be ok and 150mcg wasn’t a lethal dose. So I came in and rested a while, still feeling like shit, but a little better knowing I’d be ok. You would think I’d be used to these close calls, and while I wasn’t as sure as I was in 2011 that I wasn’t going to make it, the thought definitely crossed my mind for a while there.

I later tried to call Tammy to cry on her shoulder (hey, when you can’t run to mommy and hubby’s working, you call your big sis) but dialed the wrong number. I’ll call her some other time. She left me a VM after I messaged her on Facebook. She’s gotten her own meds mixed up before. Well, no more keeping the Levo by the bed. I’m now using the AM/PM pillbox. The Levo goes in the AM, the vitamins and statin in the PM.

Tom told me to try to eat a bit more today, but that’s not so easy when you aren’t hungry. Funny how life works, huh? When I’m trying not to get carried away with the eating I’m utterly famished. When I should eat more I’ve got no appetite whatsoever. OD on 5-6 pills as a teen and it just makes me drowsy. Do that accidentally on just 2 thyroid pills and my heart booms like it’s going to jump out of my chest. Life. It’s a strange thing.

TUESDAY, JULY 8, 2014 Although fewer women are having children as the pressure to work, work, work hangs heavy on both genders these days, the population is rising. We’re living longer, fewer babies are dying, and medicine is advancing fast. But the office staff of these doctors who are keeping us alive is growing more and more incompetent, confused and disorganized by the minute!

I am so damn frustrated with these secretaries, office administrators, or whatever the hell you want to call them, that I’m damn near ready to forget about dealing with my female problems which I’m almost positive can’t be that serious anyway as annoying as it can be, and maybe drop the ear doctor, too. I’ll keep the dentist cuz that’s simple enough to deal with, and I have to keep the eye doctor cuz I need to see, and lastly, I must continue the thyroid medication so I don’t have a heart attack, a stroke, go into a coma, or gain 100 pounds. Those are all easy enough to deal with because it’s just one doctor I’m dealing with for just one thing and pretty straightforward. But when you’ve got a handful of problems and you’re dealing with a network of doctors, physician’s assistants and stupid office staff, it becomes both confusing and frustrating.

We scheduled my external biopsy, as they call it, online. Then at the end of the day, I get a message asking what I want it for! Shouldn’t these people know that? Really, they should keep better records! They should know who I am, who my doctors are, and what they’ve ordered. Every fucking time Tom calls for me (which he sometimes does because he drives me) they act like they don’t know anything about it, can’t find any records, or like they don’t believe him. Why must it be so hard to call these offices and tell them that such and such a doctor ordered such and such an exam or treatment? They should be able to pull this info right up!

I’m just fed up with dealing with doctors, doctors and more doctors! All these appointments are so damn hard on me with my sleep disorder, and even if I didn’t have sleep issues, I feel like the doctors’ offices have become almost like a second home and that’s no way to live. Sometimes the best way to deal with something is to pull back and not deal at all. And so I will pick and choose which of all these fucking health issues I now have to deal with I should continue dealing with, and which ones I should put on the back burner for now.

Like do I really need a hearing test, for example? I work at home. Who cares how well I can hear the landscapers and the home improvement/repairs jobs I thought we were done with for the year. Some concrete company was at one of the neighbor’s houses, pounding away at something. I wonder if that’s what Bob and Jim were referring to when they were out walking. I saw them stop and turn around and point in the direction of that house like something was wrong there. I’m sure they’ll be back today, whatever it is. No one’s renovations or repairs seem to take just one day.

Anyway, I’m tired today. I only slept about 6 hours. First time I slept straight through, though. When I awoke I remembered a dream of me sitting behind the wheel of an RV that was running. Tom was napping behind me somewhere. I sat there copying notes from a bunch of scrap pieces of paper. I then turned the motor off and Tom asked me what I was doing. I told him I didn’t see any point in leaving it running because it was going to take a while to get all the notes copied.

Later…

Why do bad things happen? Why do good things happen? Do I believe we’re really never given more than we can handle? I’ve been asked these age-old questions lately, and well, I don’t know why bad/good things happen to us. If there is a God up there of any kind, why did it feel I deserved to grow up with abuse and then be given a husband who loves me unconditionally and has never complained or tried to change a damn thing about me?

As for us never being given more than we can handle, well, I personally find this a bit of a naïve and gullible belief, but that’s just me. I understand the need some people have to tell themselves this as a means of convincing themselves that everything will be alright and they can handle anything, blah, blah, blah. But as far as I’m concerned, we’re all going to be given more than we can handle someday that will kill us all. It may be cancer, it may be heart disease, but sooner or later something will break us down for good.

Why do I have all these health issues and doctor appointments all of a sudden? Tell me that. Then again, it’s really a no-brainer. These issues have been festering for years. I just didn’t have the insurance to deal with it till a couple of years ago. I just hope it ends soon! Meanwhile, my biopsy is on for the 16th and my ultrasound for the 17th. I have a bad feeling, though, that these appointments will lead to yet MORE appointments and that once they finally figure out what the hell’s wrong with me it won’t be a simple matter of calling in a prescription to cure it.

These secretaries really make me want to rub their faces in a cheese grater at times, though. It’s going to be rough on my schedule but I think I can nail both appointments easily enough. I’ll eat less and that’ll make me sluggish and thus help me fall asleep easier at night. Trying to keep a schedule long-term may be out of the question, but being short on sleep for a few days won’t kill me. Being tired during the appointments may actually be a good thing if it helps me to relax more easily.

We think the neighbor’s retaining wall must’ve broken and that’s why concrete workers have been over there. I just hope this project doesn’t take too many days.

MONDAY, JULY 7, 2014 ”These days we’re more concerned with deleting our history than making history.”

Hilarious and true!

Went bike riding twice yesterday, once with Tom. I’m addicted to it. Since running and riding outdoors I have come to see treadmills and stationary bikes as utterly boring as hell.

Got sick of Safari causing one of the sites I frequent to hang up my browser, so I went back to Firefox, even though it runs slower. I’ll still use Safari for entering sweeps, though, since I can’t seem to get Robo running in FF. I will miss Safari’s auto-correct feature (when I wasn’t trying to write in another language), but that’s about it.

No bees got in yesterday but was that due to the bombs or because we finally managed to seal up their entryway? I’m afraid it was probably because of the bombs, but thank goodness for that much until and if we ever do manage to track down their little gateway into Tom and Jodi Land.

What the hell’s going on this month? My period is over yet I feel like I never lost my water OR my hunger. I’ve been miserably hungry and I never dropped the pound or two I usually drop after periods.

SUNDAY, JULY 6, 2014 Surprised (but pleased) that Alison hasn't tried to contact me. I can't say how she feels or what she's thinking but perhaps she is actually relieved to be rid of what was probably her only sane friend. Oh, what fun it is to immerse yourself in a world of nothing but crazies, right? rolls eyes She can have the fuckers! No matter how many times they drive her crazy or burn her, she will keep forgiving them. It's sad that some people feel they deserve no better than phony liars, skitzos and such selfish people with absolutely no empathy whatsoever. Makes you wonder what happened to her to strip her self-esteem that low, but you know what? It's her problem, not mine. I choose to surround myself with non-toxic people and expunge my life from the toxic ones.

Last night I dreamed that Nane got a boat and named it Dame Regenbogen. I’d be flattered. :)

Then I dreamed I could swim underwater and still breathe.

In the last dream, I was complaining to my sister about the scars on my forearm from my stupid days. She said, “Maybe anyone who notices them will think you got them some other way, don’t you think?”

My answer was, “No, sadly I don’t think so. No one’s going to take hold of my arm, gaze at my scars in amazement and say, ‘Wow, you did a lot of shopping this weekend.’”

It’s nice to go from sad/scary dreams to funny/strange dreams. What would REALLY be nice, though, would be to go from seeing bees in here to not seeing bees in here. Tom taped up another spot he thought they may be getting in from, yet when I got up I found a dead bee on the kitchen floor. I’m glad it was dead, thanks to the bombs, but it shouldn’t have gotten in here. Where the hell are they coming from?!?! I could’ve stepped on the damn thing too, before I turned the kitchen light on and saw it. They still sting even when they’re dead.

Jim said hello to Tom when he was out walking while Tom was watering plants. He said a few years ago was really horrible as far as bees and wasps go. Well, I’m not going to put up with this shit every summer. We either have to figure it out, have someone else figure it out for us, or we’re putting the damn house up for sale.

Bob soon came out to join Jim in their morning walk as they often do. Even though Tom and I aren’t the social butterflies most people are, it’s nice to live in such a tight community where you’re more like family than just neighbors.

Just 5 days shy of our 1-year marker here, we replaced the old, heavy stools that always had this mysterious sticky film over them. Tom may keep one for his workshop, but the other two will probably go when they do the summer bulk pickup. For just $50 we got plain wooden stools from Walmart with no backs, arms or anything. I will eventually cut round pieces of foam for them, then cover them with the fabric of my choice. The hard part will be gathering them evenly to staple them underneath the top.

SATURDAY, JULY 5, 2014 Was surprised not to find any tweet rants or messages from Alison on why I dumped her and all that, but am glad I didn’t. No longer will I read her stuff or her crazy friends’ stuff either. I’m done with the happy trio.

I was too busy to write yesterday. I love being busy and keeping active, but sometimes I feel like there isn’t enough time to get everything done that I want to do.

Going in order of events – I chatted with a few people on Facebook really early yesterday morning. I chatted with Nane whose aunt died and is still sad. She said she broke up with Askim because he had big-time emotional problems.

Chatted with this girl from Hungary too, and then was delighted to hear from my nieces. One “liked” a post and another commented on a comment I left her.

Around 7am we set the bombs off and then took off. Got a cute little Barbie mini for just $5 at Walmart and a wax burner by ScentSationals. I grabbed some wax packs of various sweet, fruity and spicy smells, also by them and by Better Homes & Gardens. Their scent selection is amazing compared to sprays and oils! I think this will be my new smelly addiction. As anyone who knows me knows, I’m obsessed with good smells. I was quite an incense junkie for a long time, but I don’t want smoke residue building up in here on our new blinds, paint and carpet. It’s a good thing I have a few sticks left, though, so we can use it to hopefully figure out where the fucking bees are getting in.

My pink, blue and green floral burner is so pretty. I love how there’s no candle or anything that can give off smoke or soot. It’s just a glass dish that rests on a light bulb. I burned some Brownie Pecan Pie and now I’m burning Illusion. That one is a mix of cedar and musk.

Poor Tom, though. He only made it 16 hours through his 2-day fasting goal. To be honest, though, I doubt I could do much better.

As we were airing the place out when we got back, we were just about to go for a bike ride when Virginia was going by. I guess she and Bob were good friends with the couple that lived here because she went to Gene’s funeral when he died on April 15th at age 95. She said it was just family and them at the funeral and that Audrey’s really frail now and all that. She probably won’t last much longer. You know how it often is with those who have been married forever. They would’ve celebrated their 67th anniversary, according to the obit, and they had 5 kids, 8 grandkids and 3 great-grandkids. All that and not one of them could help keep this damn house clean?

Even though I was annoyed with how messy they left the house, believing that if they were too old to keep up on it then someone should’ve helped them (after all, they did have kids), I feel bad for them. I felt bad for them a year ago, knowing that they weren’t moving because they wanted to or because they got sick of living here. I can just imagine how they must’ve felt leaving a home they loved for 15 years, knowing they were going to die soon enough. Audrey must be absolutely miserable now.

It’s kind of funny to know that she probably told Bob and Virginia how much younger we are before they moved, and they were probably concerned at first. I would be too, if I was in my 80s and looking at getting neighbors nearly 40 years younger than me.

Sooo, July 10th was a very emotional day for us all, them in a bad way, us in a good way, although they left a couple of weeks before we got in here. At this time last year, the house was empty. Either way, I STILL can’t believe we’re homeowners again.

What was strange was that because they get up early, Virginia actually wanted to ask us if their washer and dryer in their utility area bothered us since we’re not “old and deaf” like everyone else here, haha.

What utility area? And no, we never hear it; just their vehicle. Funny how she waits a year to ask us, LOL. I did tell her I wondered if they were moving because they came and went a lot. She said she had cataract surgery.

THURSDAY, JULY 3, 2014 I had a dream that Tom and I escaped a madman on a tiny island somewhere. There were only a few hundred people on the island and I guess some guy suddenly got a little trigger-happy. He said that was Game One and that Game Two would be carried out in a few days if anyone was still alive. He hadn’t decided yet if he would kill the survivors or let them go.

Everyone started screaming and scattered off in different directions. One guy’s wife hurt her foot while running and Tom and I helped him get her onto the guy’s private plane which we all flew out in.

Safely back at home I checked in on Facebook and saw someone writing how glad they were to know I’d made it back alive and that the violence I had to have witnessed must’ve been a real nightmare and all that.

Then Tom entered the room to tell me the guy's plans for Game Two had finally been revealed in the news. The guy was going to kill off any survivors before the cops intervened. So if we hadn’t been able to fly away, we’d have been hunted down and killed if no one had managed to contact the police in time, and I guess this was tricky because cell phones didn’t work there and there weren’t many landlines.

Love these Emoji symbols someone told me about, though they don’t work everywhere.

Things still aren’t running as smoothly as I’d like. Online work is going too slow (it’s an up-and-down thing), bees are still getting in, spiders are invading the place at night, and I’m PMSing. I’m up a pound and a half and while my logical side says it’s water, it makes me doubt once again whether or not I can get any real weight off. I probably won’t. Sure thought I would for a minute there, though.

Right now I just wish every place we live in didn’t have to have bug issues. I don’t miss living in a cold climate, but I never had to deal with this shit back east. Never. Yet every single fucking place I’ve had in the West has had problems with spiders, bees, ants, crickets… something. Tonight’s home invader, besides another bee, is a silverfish. Those aren’t as creepy, but they’re still not welcome and we’re still going to bomb the hell out of this place tomorrow morning.

Not only do I worry we may never find where the bees are coming in and that they may never figure out my female problems, but my memory isn’t sharpening back up as much as I’d like. I have to leave notes for myself and I still forget shit more than I should. I forget where I put things. I forget things I’ve already told people. I forget names, numbers, and other things. I could tell myself it’s just age, but I know damn well that not only is 48 not “old,” but it is connected to the Hashimoto’s. People are ignorant, though, so I don’t mention it to many people. You know how they are – if you can’t keep a schedule it just really means you’re lazy. If you’re fat you’re a pig. If you can’t remember things you just don’t care or you’re not listening and paying attention. I gave up on trying to explain myself to people a long time ago. You can tell someone the facts but you can’t make them get it. Besides, who do we owe any explanations to as adults anyway?

Tom worked on the car yesterday and said it was harder than he expected and wasn’t sure he did everything correctly or not, although the car ran smoothly when he did a test drive around the block. He’ll take it to work today and see how it does. Meanwhile, we’re both grateful the Ford is so incredibly reliable. It should’ve overheated and even broke down, but nope. We talked about giving it to a junkyard and making more room in the carport for other things, but now we’re not so sure we want to give up such a reliable car. We’d have had to rent something for a few days without it.

Speaking of cars, I really get sick of hearing next door come and go so much. Sometimes I don’t hear them, and they never wake me up when I’m on nights, but it’s still a bit of an annoying distraction. They pulled the car out of the garage yesterday morning and I wondered just what the hell they were doing in the garage that they wanted it out of the way. I didn’t hear any annoying tools or other sounds coming from over there, so who knows. An hour later they took off somewhere for what was probably their first of several trips in and out. I was getting into bed at that time. When they just jump in and go it’s no big deal. But when they slam doors without going anywhere (loading up stuff?), it gets old. I’m just amazed people in their 80s can have so much energy and be so active. I also don’t get how they can not want to take a day off here and there. If I was a driver I know I’d have days where I wouldn’t feel like going anywhere and where I’d just want to relax at home.

All in all, I’m surprised at just how much traffic goes by in front. There’s got to be only 25-30 houses around this block yet you won’t go more than 5 minutes in the daytime without seeing someone drive by.

Later…

When am I going to learn that forgiving someone is the dumbest thing I could do? Well, I’m done for good with Alison! I’ve had it with her hiding things from me. I don’t know if I can go so far as to say I’m pissed. I don’t think I even feel hurt. I think if anything I’m not surprised and so I’ve acknowledged and resigned myself to the fact that some people are simply liars by omission.

Out of curiosity, I thought I’d check Molly’s Twitter rants and found that she, Kim and Aly are all best buds once again. You know, the trolls she would “never again give any more worthless chances to?” So why did she conveniently neglect to tell me about this cozy little threesome? Well, I think the answer’s obvious – because I not only would tell her she’s crazy to even think of associating with them (although it’s her life, her right, and her stupidity as I told her) but because she would probably worry that I was worried she was feeding them information about me that’s none of these sickos’ business. I would too, if we were friends. Now that I’ve dropped her, I don’t give a fuck what she tells them, and I know damn well that if she can give me info about them, she can give them info about me, and why not? Why should she or would she spare them info that she’s willing to give to me? If she can give me Kim’s address (assuming it’s really hers), she can give her mine.

No wonder Molly hasn’t been whining in her blog about missing Alison, though; because they’ve been friends all along.

I see she’s already bitching about Kim asking the same damn questions as she always used to. Yeah, that’s because she’s so many people in one. Or at least pretending to be. I don’t think Aly gets the MPD thing, but that’s her problem.

As for letting her know why I was dumping her, I wasn’t even going to give her that much, but I did send a quick message. If she wastes time with replies I’ll mark them as spam unread. I deleted her on Facebook, and no, I’m not going to run and hide either. I’m not going to mark all my blogs private just because they may want to see how much of their true colors I’m exposing.

It isn’t her taste in friends that’s driven me away but the lies. And yes, she is basically a liar for not telling me. I could kick myself for believing she dropped the nutjobs forever. She obviously has an addiction to crazy skitzos and spoiled excuse queens and will probably be friends with them on and off all her life. Fine. Again, she has a right to pick and choose her own friends. But I’m not going to buy for a minute that she’s not returning the favor and supplying them with info. A liar by omission is still a liar and the trust is 100% completely and totally gone. Oh, I’m sure she’d have the perfect explanation for why she’s friends with them again and that she’d swear she hasn’t told them a damn thing about me, but you know what? I don’t want to hear it. I don’t care and I don’t want to hear from her again. She can have the crazies!

Normally I wouldn’t care if you had friends I didn’t care for, but these people are just too damn crazy. Like potentially dangerously crazy. If you’re even remotely connected to them, I don’t want a damn thing to do with you. Especially if you can’t tell me about it and you have no problem divulging information about people you know they would otherwise not want you divulging.

Peeked in on Mary, too. It’s still shopping away her bad boy’s money. Probably knocked up now, too.

Later…

I asked a handful of other my-diary writers if they too, receive nasty feedback at times (I got a message yesterday telling me I was an evil spawn, blah, blah, blah), wanting to get a sense of whether or not this is common or if I’m being singled out and targeted for some reason. Many have said that yes, they too, get some really mean, rude stuff at times. I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised. If people can hide in the shadows of anonymity, they’ll spew all kinds of negative shit.

My NC visitor did return to Blogger the next day, but if it’s Maliheh, she hasn’t picked up my mail. I don’t think it is her and I think she’s ignoring my message. She could’ve just not checked her mail or disabled cookies, but I think she finally got sick of reading my messages, not that I often send them. I just wanted to see if I could get a match on my NC reader.

I’m at the point where I’m seriously considering deleting my nieces on Facebook. I don’t want anyone on my list who truly doesn’t want to be there. I commented on her profile picture and I got not a word in response.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 2, 2014 OMG, what a spookfest in here! We're bombing for damn sure this weekend. How do you drown a spider down your shower drain in SCALDING hot water, then watch it climb back up just minutes later??? :((( CREEPY! After I post this I suppose I should go see if I need to drown the 8-legged bastard again. Maybe three time is the charm in this case.

Just spotted another one on the hall ceiling, but fortunately, Tom was there to get the damn thing. Friday morning we’re gonna blow these fuckers up.

As for the bees, I was dismayed to hear Tom say he counted 8 dead panel bees instead of 6 when he pulled the panels down to dump the casualties. He taped up the one that’s broken so that if they are still coming in where we think they’re coming in from, they will remain inside the panels till he can spray more foam in that area.

Tammy left a message and said her medical books are packed but as far as she knows, they have to find out if it’s a virus or a bacteria and that antibiotics don’t usually work. Well, then HOW do they treat it? I asked her on Facebook and she said she’d leave me a message.

I just want to know why each and every appointment leads to more appointments! A dental checkup leads to cavity appointments, ears lead to unnecessary hearing tests, eyes lead to an OH/specialist, blood work leads to broken thyroids, and now a pussy probe leads to biopsies and ultrasounds! Argh! :(

At least I lost another pound, though I’m still sleeping shitty. I kept waking up constantly and was up for two hours before I could fall back asleep yesterday. Tom thinks the melatonin is messing me up and that after a few days of backing off of it, I’ll sleep better. I hope he’s right!

“Nervous” returned from the dead last night, pissed me off, then made me beat his ass down good. He was an annoying guy who was kind of obsessed with me when I was in my 20s and he was in his 40s. He died of a heart attack in his 50s in the 90s. After I beat him up I bent his arms behind his back and tied them like shoelaces.

Then I went to pee and saw the water in the toilet was all discolored. A warning?

TUESDAY, JULY 1, 2014 When someone pointed out that eating yogurt can help with female problems it hit me that the burning and itching hasn’t been as bad since I started eating these 80-calorie yogurts again. Maybe I should keep up the habit.

I’m still feeling a bit overwhelmed with all the medical stuff going on. Female problems, OH, cavities, hypothyroidism, high cholesterol, ear issues… am I forgetting anything? Oh well, nothing’s killed me yet.

Meanwhile, I hope the bees won’t be back today. I don’t think they will. Tom really sealed the hell out of the only areas they could’ve gotten in from. The spiders took over when the bees quit, so we’re definitely going to bomb first chance we get. Really hate it, though, when I spot a spider, run to get something to kill it with, then find it gone when I return. I got one in the bedroom, but the 8-legged bastard in the living room is still hiding.

It was a bit creepy walking under the bee graveyard when I went into the kitchen, but Tom will eventually pull the panels down and get them out of there. I’m actually glad for the drop-down ceiling because it helped contain them. If not for that they’d be all over the house.

Even though it aggravated my knee a bit, I went for a much-needed bike ride at midnight. It was so nice threading through the streets in the dead of night when all the world was asleep. Or most of it anyway. I rode for about 20 minutes. The dog on the other side of the circle didn’t go off on me like it did at 11pm last night. I’d be sooo pissed if I lived next door. They obviously don’t allow it indoors much. It’s penned up in back of their carport most of the time.

The internet vigilante contacted me again. She is showing up on my tracker, too. She’s coming up as being in a place called Lake Mary, Florida. I’m going to avoid her whenever possible because she comes off as very vengeful. Even she’s admitted to stalking, bashing, harassing and seeking revenge on people before, and something about helping put people away for those Nigerian and other scams.

It’s ironic that as soon as she reaches out to me my North Carolina visitor stops coming to Blogger. I asked Miss Vigilante if she was over there, but she said she only read my bio on Prosebox. Strange how no time is registering on the visitor log. It doesn’t take just a minute or two to read my bio.

Curious to see if Maliheh may be my North Carolina visitor, though she’d have to have moved quite a ways from Fayetteville, I sent her a bullshit message which I coded saying that one of her friends on Facebook contacted me. Nothing in any part of NC has appeared on my visitor log yet.

[tiredsadpeach]

Tw pills mention in tags and possibly other stuff idk yet

[versadies]

ophichius/body switch soulmate au +xiao or childe pretty please? for xiao it can be like, when the body switch happens the reader feels the burden of the karmic debt so xiao starts taking care of himself/leaving instructions on what to do just so his soulmate doesn't have to suffer as much. reader is the traveler, in inazuma and xiao just quietly appreciated being free from karmic debt even for a day, and appreciating inazuma's beautiful sights whilst reader is just. in wangshuu inn. suffering

delicate (hc scenario)

penpal: bless you for such an incredible idea ! hope you like this along with your other request on childe <<3

prompt: ophiuchus the snake, body-switch soulmate au

pairing/s: xiao x gn!traveler!reader

sypnosis: hc on how you and xiao went through the whole day in each other's body.

includes: reader is not aether/lumine and is a random traveler (sorry to anon if you meant by reader being aether/lumine), reader suffering cuz of karmic debt, mentions of physical pain, mentions of violence, pure fluff

the moment xiao opens his eyes from his quick nap, the first thing he sees is the view of narukami island.

the yaksha was alerted at first, wondering how he came from hunting around dihua marsh for demons to sitting down beneath a tree with a new environment he hasn’t been in before.

it wasn’t until he realized he’s in a different outfit and different body that he found out that today’s the special day.

he hopes you aren’t in too much pain.

he observes his surroundings for a moment, then his eyes moved down to his appearance, only to see an outfit that is deemed fit for a traveler. his soulmate is a traveler in inazuma?

now that the yaksha thinks about it, he has heard the unfortunate fate the people of inazuma has to go through with the new rules that the current archon has set up, with her soldiers taking away people's visions, discrimination against outlanders, and the borders being closed around the nation.

xiao immediately checks around his– or rather his soulmate's– body to see if they have a vision, feeling relieved when he felt the familiar form of a vision hidden underneath his clothing.

all he needs to do is hide the vision and not go to the city, where he's sure a lot of vision hunters will be found.

this shouldn't be too hard, right?

meanwhile, you're currently writhing in pain in your soulmate's body, confused with what's happening to you– or rather, your soulmate's body.

you honestly had never such intense pain until now, how the hell does your soulmate deal with this? did he get a rare illness?

you couldn't think straight, your mind throbbing in pain as your body continued to ache and ache with voices running in your he–

"xiao? are you okay?" you shakily look up at the woman, who was staring at you with a concerned look on her face.

before you could try to let out a word, you immediately dropped on the floor, gasping out from the continuous pain. when does it ever stop? you rather go back to inazuma and suffer their new regulations instead of going through this pain–

"you're not xiao, are you?" she asks, causing you to nod profusely in response as you clench your fists together, closing your eyes shut whilst ignoring the woman, who was busy looking for something in her clothing.

"here." you open your eyes to see her handing you what looked like a pill. as if the woman read your mind, she quickly clarified what the pill is. "it's a painkiller. your uh, soulmate gave it to me and told me to give it to you in case you two swit–"

without letting the woman continue, you immediately snatched the pill from her and swallow it whole.

it took what felt like more than 20 minutes for the pain to finally subside, causing you to finally sigh in relief. although the pain was still there, it surely wasn't as painful and unbearable as before.

by the time you calmed yourself down, you slowly stood up from the cold floor and look at the woman gratefully. "you have my thanks, miss...?"

"verr goldet," she responds with a gentle smile. "i'm the owner of this inn. if there's anyone you should thank for, it's definitely your soulmate. you would've suffered the whole period of your body swap if it weren't for his thoughtfulness."

you nodded in understanding. "i see.. but i still am grateful for you stepping in."

"it's no problem, though i'm sure you're starving right now, would you like to eat?"

"yes please."

unlike what you recently went through in xiao's body, xiao was having perhaps one of the most peaceful time he has ever experienced. after all, when will he find an opportunity to not suffer from his karmic debt in this lifetime?

although killing the opponents who came in his way was a hassle, he still found his time enjoyable– with the exception of his mind thinking a lot about your wellbeing in his body. surely verr goldet must've given you the painmeds, right?

besides that, you must've seen the instructions he left for you– but what if you didn't see it and had to go through so much pain later on?

"please be okay." he mumbled under his breath, letting out a worried sigh and continued walking around the land.

unnoticed by the yaksha, you were indeed okay.

"i can see why my soulmate would love these," you commented to verr as you take more bites of the sweet dessert. "what does he do daily?"

verr lets out a nervous laugh. "to be honest, i don't really know what else he does other than hunting demons around the nation. though, you don't have to worry about doing it since xiao insisted that you can spend the whole day here instead."

"oh..." you look down at your plate with a deep frown. what if there's a demon that's hurting people and you couldn't do anything about it?

before you could ask verr, she immediately looks up at where the reception area is. "i have to go now. if you want to know anything, i recall xiao telling me to tell you to look at the instructions in your pocket. i'll be back!" she said before rushing upstairs to tend to one of the visitors, leaving you alone with your food.

you searched for the pocket around your pants, pulling out the piece of paper and read the list.

"should the pain meds run out, please visit a man named zhongli in liyue harbor."

"don't try to hunt for demons unless you want to experience more pain to endure."

"please come to verr goldet if you need something or require food. almond tofu is the only thing i can stomache, unfortunately."

"do not come to public areas if you have no reason to go there. karmic debt– the pain you're going through right now– can be affective to others."

the rest was all more rules for you to read and you're honestly thankful for xiao to write all of this for your sake, now regretting that you didn't do the same for him. what if he isn't aware of what's happening to inazuma?

you take another bite of almond tofu, silently hoping that xiao is doing okay back in your homeland.

to tell you the truth, xiao's definitely doing alright.

the yaksha had never went out of liyue for a very long time until now. sure, he could admit that nothing can beat the beautiful views that liyue can offer but inazuma is a sight to see.

everywhere he went, he found himself being fascinated by everything in this land, looking through ruins and staring at flowers that he himself hasn't seen in all of his life.

not to mention the fact that the mobs that lurks around the areas are different than the ones in liyue.

he would be lying if he said he hadn't thought of getting you out of the nation and come to liyue harbor, but he knew it wasn't up to him to decide on that. if it weren't for his duty in protecting liyue, xiao would've wanted to try and go to inazuma just to keep you safe, but what if you dislike him after everything you went through in his body? what if you didn't like him because he's immortal–

"they won't think such thing." he mumbled to himself, still slightly taken back by the sound of your voice coming out from his mouth as he sat down in an abandoned adventurer camp he spotted, looking forward to try out foods that he can make with the ingredients he found in your inventory.

as the day went by, you spent there in wangshu inn, writing a letter for xiao to read by the time the body switch is over along with visiting the man who can provide you more pain meds. xiao on the other hand spent time adventuring around inazuma trying to not get caught by vision hunters, enjoying his time without karmic debt.

by the end of the day, as the moon rises, the both of you finally found yourselves back in your bodies– with you sighing in relief that you've already finished writing the letter and not having to be in pain again whilst xiao was happy to be back in his homeland.

you then noticed you're in watatsumi island, your home being not too far away from where you're standing, causing you to smile. who knew xiao unknowingly took you back to where you've been heading to?

xiao on the other hand, was sitting on the rooftop of wangshu inn, reading the letter you left with his heart pounding at the words you wrote just for his eyes.

his shoulders instantly relaxes when he reads that you were okay throughout the day–

his mouth twitches upward when he reads the last words you wrote.

"once i come to liyue harbor and escape from inazuma, i wish to meet you and enjoy almond tofus with you."

[soft-boi-eli]

Mcyts helping a trans masc after top surgery. (Part 1)

Tw:swearing, pain pills, some hints to vomiting, fluff as well.

Wilbur

This simp...

Makes sure you regularly drain your drains, take your medication.

You dont even have to get the fuck up, I mean he's your personal butler until the doctor gave you the okay.

Three times a day you get a smoothie. He can tell that you dont want to eat because of the pain.

The least you can do is drink something to nurioush you while you were in pain.

If you're embarrassed about having to sleep on some dog pee pads for the drain. Dont be.

Wilbur may not understand but he will constantly comfort you. He'll even make a video to tell his viewers he won't be posting for a moment. A personal issues came up and that is all they know for now.

Also when cold he'll try to keep you warm by very, very gentle cuddles. But any sign of pain and he's off of you and getting you warm blankets and heating packs.

His sweaters? Now all yours. You have no say. He will give you one every day knowing you find alot of comfort in wearing his clothes.

The last thing he wants is you in pain. Especially if it was caused by him.

Your testosterone shot? Dont worry he's got it for you.

He doesn't want you to get up unless you needed to go to the restroom or you were itching to get up.

If you dont take it slow he will threaten you.

This is a threat. He will make you sit back down if you tried to get up and clean.

All in all he is a simp and your butler.

Technoblade

Technoblade may not know what to do but he will try.

He's quite nervous but when he realized you havent eaten and needed something in your system for your pain meds hell make you something soft and light on the stomach.

Are you cold? He'll cover you in a blanket and just sit next to you. Floof senses you in pain and cuddles you more then technoblade.

Techno was a bit butt hurt but knew that you needed alot of support right now.

With his height his clothes are either tight or loose. But his hoodies are always huge. And very fucking comfortable.

His scent relaxed you and helped you sleep at night.

He is a hidden simp.

He will make sure you're comfortable. If you want him to he'll sleep with you in the living room.

When you start walking him and Floof are constantly following you. Just to make sure you are safe and comfortable.

You cant help but love your two boys.

His streams and videos are already inconsistent but he did say his next video or stream might take a longer time.

But if you dont mind then you'll sit near him while he streams. If you needed anything he'll get it.

You saying hi to chat. They know you're in pain by your tone.

And anyone he's in a call with will ask what's up. And when you tell them they'll understand and they'll hype you up.

It warms techno's heart when his friends hype you up.

God this closeted simp is melting internally.

Schlatt

He will tease you.

Pictures are taken and spread around the internet like a wild fire.

Caption to those pictures?

This dumbass just got out of surgery and didnt expect to feel like trash lol.

But off camera he's quite the nice guy. Reminding you to drink your water, getting you soft foods or soups, heck he give you some of his pushies from his youtooz.

And this behemoth of a man will give you his shirt or hoodies.

You are with him when he streams or records.

There is no say.

He wants to keep his eyes on you and make sure you are comfortable and safe.

Lowkey dragged you bed into his recording room, you were just vibing in the corner.

You meds are on a set schedule. If the time lands when he's on stream he doesn't think. Just gets up grabs your meds and a premade smoothie.

With that he gave them to you.

Watching you swallow that pill because you can be stubborn with pain meds.

Returns to the stream.

Yells at chat for calling him a simp. He told them you were in pain and it's the least he can do for you.

Will low key rub your back off stream. As sleeping while sitting up us hell on your shoulders.

Jambo is all over you, soaking up the attention he can get while you were immobile.

Schlatt would glare st him for taking away his S/O.

When it came to you wanting to walk he will let you.

If you hurt then this man would laugh and tell you to sit your ass down. You are going anywhere just yet.

He's gonna carry you when you are in as much pain.

He's tall and there is no stopping him.

It makes him feel a bit happier due to the fact you aren't hurting as much, and still getting to the place you needed.

Also he will hug you if he sees you are uncomfortable. The hug is very soft and unlike him.

But at least he is trying.

He also keeps his yelling down, doesn't want you to make too many stiff movements. It would hurt the hell out of you.

Tommy

Ok. Hear me out, butler.

He see the pain you are in and as one of his best friends he wont let you do anything.

Your parents were out of town after your surgery and it wasn't their fault their work called in suddenly.

So you were sent over to Tommy's for the three weeks they were out.

Tommy would let you relax on his bed, heck even sleep on it as well.

Doesn't care if your drains stain the bed. That's an easy clean up and he wants you to be comfortable.

He does still stream. Because it's something he does for a living.

But he'll try to keep it a bit quieter.

You once walked out of the room when he was streaming. You looked like a gremlin, hunched over while you had to take a piss.

When you entered you were greeted by wilbur, techno, and phil telling you they hope you heal fast.

"It only gets better from now on (y/n). Take it easy alright?"-wilbur

"Congrats mate, just relax and dont forget to focus on healing."-Phil

"Yo you got the surgery. Pog. Stay healthy (y/n)."-techno

You melted lightly. A small smile graced your face.

It brought you joy and there was nothing that could compare to it. Honestly.

It seemed almost every day someone tommy knew was hopi g a speedy recovery.

He once yelled at chat for saying you should suck it up.

"CHAT THEY JUST WENT THROUGH SURGRY. LEAVE THEM ALONE!"

You forgot that your parents were even out for those weeks.

Tommy would definitely understand slightly that it would hurt to constrict your chest.

"You cold?"

When you nod tommy is up and handing you one of his hoodies. They are big and comfy. Easy to put on too. So they are perfect.

His two dogs, Walter and Betty?

Expect them in his room curled around you. Dogs know when humans feel pain and when they need something to comfort them.

The stream kind of enjoyed that.

They got wholesome content from you and dog content.

Win win.

Tommy will make sure you have your meds.

If it lands during a stream he blacks out the camera and carefully gets you the things needed for it.

Get you a best friend like tommy.

They wont let you do much when in pain.

Tubbo

He doesn't fully know what to do. He went and spent a few nights over at your house.

Your parents asked his parents for help so they sent over tubbo.

They made a list but the poor boy couldnt read it.

"A sm-oosthie with their pain pill... what the hell is a sm-oosthie?!"

It took him calling tommy to ask him to tell him.

"Tubbo. It says smoothie and who is this fo-."

He hung up before tommy could finish and made the smoothie.

Your cat was quite cuddly.

When he walked in your cat was on your lap.

"Tubbo? When did you get here?" Oh yeah it was a surprise.

"Not too long ago. Your parents left and asked me to help."

He was doing it in all good.

But he scared you so badly.

He bought you a stuffed animal...

It was a huge minecraft bee. And by huge I mean huge.

Like here's the stuffed animal.

Ignore the child. I wished there was a better picture.

But yeah you get the point.

Tubbo may not know how to help you fully but he's trying.

Tommy came to visit with wilbur and phil.

Tommy was meeting up with them and you lived close to wilbur.

When they saw you laid up in bed, tubbo trying to find out how to help with your medication phil kinda went father mode.

You got homemade soup to take your meds.

Tubbo was quite happy to see you smiling and lightly laughing.

When they left you felt better.

Tubbo may not know how to do alot but he tried his best. And you loved every moment.

You got you best friend to help you. And nothing was better then that.

Ranboo

Ranboo spent the night and all you guys could do was joke about the pain.

The jokes were quite self deprecating too.

All night you guys were up.

You couldn't sleep because of the pain and he didnt want to sleep due to the fact he didnt want you to be alone.

So you two were sleep deprived and your parents were concerned. But understood you two didnt want the other to feel bad.

After you healed a bit your parents got called into work. Leading to you spending a few days over there.

Ranboo streamed a recorded with you in the back ground.

He forgot you were there once and he turned on face cam. There you were in the background nose deep into a book while wearing one of his hoodies.

You were freezing and your shirts were a bit too tight.

He just gave you one of his and that was that.

"Whis in the background?"-dono

"In the background?" He turned around to see you just reading your book.

"Oh. That's one of my friends. They had a surgery a week ago."-ranboo

He turned to you, "(y/n) say hi to stream."

Looking up you waved.

"My gay mind went brrr at the idea of no sacks of fat. Now body do the big pain."-(y/n) 2021

It brought a laugh to ranboo and his chat.

You joked through the pain. It was funny.

Dream

What is this I see? He's a simp indeed.

Low key he's answering your beck and call.

He's smothering you in love.

It may not be physical affection but it is still affection.

Your hoodies are replaced with his.

They are huge and comfy.

He saw something online that reminded him of you.

He said it was cute and decided you needed it.

You loved it. It helped you sleep.

Since sapnap lives with him he sends in sapnap sometimes because he's recording or has to get something that wasn't in the house.

Also when you found the zipper you unzipped it and found dream stashed some gift cards and little trinkets in it. Along with a note.

'Knew you would of found this.'-Clay

It shocked you kind of.

But you loved it. It was quite comforting that he gave his affection in these ways still.

Even if it wasn't physically.

Patches is on you 24/7.

She's cuddling you and being very gentle on you.

Low key she won't leave you though, she's following you everywhere, on your lap, sitting there when your on the toilet.

She's clingy. More clingy then before.

But it warmed your heart.

If george visits then he'll see a little gremlin making a b line to the bathroom.

All because the pain made your stomach feel upset.

And you hadn't eaten anything because of pain.

Dream is quick to rush in and see what's wrong.

You were sitting on the ground in the bathroom. Needless to say it didnt end well and you hated it.

"Baby. Do you want me to get you a smoothie and your pain meds?" You were grateful.

After leaving the bathroom you lightly hunched over you noticed the British man in your living room.

You watched his videos.

You waved lightly with a smile.

"Oh sorry (y/n) I didnt tell you george was coming did i?"

Your look told it all.

"Sorry you have to see me like this." You had the urge to apologize.

"No dont be sorry. Surgery is painful."-george

With a small nod you went back to your room and relaxed.

George

He didnt know what to do at all.

He answered your requests.

But he didnt know why you needed that thick ass blanket in the middle of the summer.

But now you have it.

Your stuffed animal that was left in the living room?

It's in your arms by your side.

He's sad it wasn't him in your arms but understood it would cause you pain.

He just lightly lays in your lap.

It brought you comfort and him comfort.

Your germilin ass tended you get up and walk at the weirdest time too.

3am?

Your are going to get a snack.

5am?

You are on your way to the toilet.

7am?

Your once more in the kitchen getting something to eat with your pain pill.

George slept through it and was confused when you weren't in bed like the doctors told you to.

He's quite meticulous with your meds and eating habits.

He doesn't push but makes sure you have something with that pill.

Hell try to help you with your bandages. But sometimes got queasy at the blood and stuff.

It was okay with you though.

You didnt mind that due to the fact that you too got queasy as well.

I think you guys sleep through this alot.

Wilbur and tommy visited.

You was shocked and confused when they had a few get well soon gifts.

Tommy got you a small fidget toy, just something to do with your hands sometimes.

Wilbur got you a few books and a small stuffed toy.

It was a orca.

You loved it but still loved the one that george got you.

He got you a little wooloo one.

It was something that was soft and easy to cuddle.

But the books wilbur gave you were amazing.

It gave you something to do for a long while. And it gave george some more cuddle time.

Other than not knowing what to do george was a great source of comfort.

Sapnap

Sapnap is a bit more experienced with it.

Kind of knowing what to do and all together he just know more then most people.

There is a regular schedule for you meds and so called meals, he changes out the dog pads if he notices them dirty. He knows how to maneuver himself next to you so there was no pain.

He also sucked up that he would be overwhelmingly hot and sat next to you under the blanket.You weren't nearly as cold because of that.

Also since sapnap lives with dream I imagine that dream pops in some times and so does patches.

You all were probably best friends as children. And people always thought that you and dream would get together.

Only because you two were more touchy.

But you saw him as an older brother, and took a liking to sapnap.

Dream was really suportive and saw you as a little sibling.

Dream probably saw you not doing to well and made you something to eat and brought your pain medication.

That was because sapnap was sleeping next to you.

Patches curled up between to two of you and dream brought in something you hadnt seen before.

A roll away bed.

This mother fucker got a whole new bed just so he could sleep in the same room as you and sapnap.

"Sapnap is a heavy sleeper. What if you need something?" He was correct.

You woke up to pain and discomfort.

Dream woke up but sapnap didnt.

You were mainly cold though...

How the hell were you cold with this man radiating radiation the heat of a thousand suns?

No clue. But probably the anesthesia since you were in sapnap room dream just opened the closet and tossed his hoodie to your lap.

You woke up sapnap when you put on the hoodie on accident.

He pushed up against your shoulder a bit more and draped his arm over your lap.

"What's wrong?" Sapnap mumble made you stiffen up. Dream seemed to fall back to sleep too.

"Just a bit cold." He lightly nodded into your neck.

"Mmmmmm. How though."-sapnap

"I dont fuckin know."-(y/n)

He let out a sleep chuckle and seemed to fall asleep again.

You just sat there. Patches and sapnap on you lap technically.

Sapnap woke up and made you breakfast at some point. You were in and out of it due to barely any sleep.

Dream woke up as well. You didnt even know when they left. But patches stayed with you.

Those weeks you were treated the best with these two with extra cuddles from patches.

I didnt know there was a max amount of paragraphs. But hey I guess it's something you find out sooner or later. So there is going to be a part 2. Including some character I missed.

[yumihoe]

Title - Mother Knows best.

Fandom- My Hero academia

Paring: Mother! Momo Yaoyorozu x Daughter! Reader

Genre - Smut

Wordcount-1,288

Summary: Let Momo Provide for you after all she's been doing It your whole life.

Content Warnings - Incest, Noncon, Drugging, Predatory Behavior, use of the word "Cunny". MDNI

Momo yaoyorozu is by no means a bad mother.

She has provided for you, given you everything you have ever wanted for in life; a clean nice home. The best possible foundation for your future. In fact, She's made it her own personal mission to be the driving force in all of your success.

When you were six it had been softball, You came to her begging To play, Telling her that you wanted to go pro one day. She made sure to get you a top-of-the-line personal trainer and Only the best grade Equipment.

When you turned eight- your dreams of softball long forgotten- you had come to her stating that you wanted to be a great hero like your mother. Her heart had swelled with pride and she took it upon herself to make sure you were on the right path. A tutor for Fighting Techniques, Pre-mech designing for a possible hero suit to accommodate your blooming quirk, even going as far as to let you accompany her during her hero services. You had watched her in aw, little mouth agape and eyes akin to saucers as Momo took down Low-grade villains executing a robbery.

When the villains had been subdued you had run-up to her and threw your small arms around her waist, burying your chubby face in her stomach " You're the best Mommy"! you had squealed.

Momo Wonders If you still think she's the best now.

The small, still logical voice told her that she was disgusting. Taking advantage of you like this,

But what had she done besides what you needed her to do?

You had come to her, as you had many times before in your life asking for her guidance...Her help.

Help with alieving Sexual frustration.

Of course, she was taken back at first, this particular request had made her drop her soba onto the kitchen floor and her eyes widen.

But she recovered quickly. You were a grown woman. And she understood that your almost adorable lack of sexual knowledge was partially her fault, as she had always made sure to keep you on a straight path your entire life, a path that had no detours for lovers or sex or dating.

She had agreed to help you, why wouldn't she. There was nothing strange about a Mother teaching her daughter how to get take care of sexual urges. It was simply a part of life she had forgotten to guide you through and was revisiting to ensure your success in.

And that's what she reminded herself as you squirmed under her.

You had been so needy.

Such a beautiful, quaking mess.

The constant hum of the vibrator she had pressed against your clit was the only sound in your bedroom besides the sweet sounds you would occasionally let out as she built you up to your first orgasm. You had came so beautifully for her and it was an image that had stayed so vividly in her mind well after she left your room.

In the following days after educating you, Momo finds herself struggling to suppress whatever feeling that had bubbled up to the surface.

Her senses had seemed to heighten, her perception of you changing. When had you become so ...Womanly.

Your mother found herself noticing things about you she had been oblivious to before. The swell of your breast in t-shirts. The way your ass looked as you bent over to pick something up. How your yawning face was so, so very similar to the delicious Oh face you make when you climax.

You were a drug. One Momo found herself being deprived of.

she tries to cherish soft moments with you, from before she started seeing you in such a disgusting light. Yet still, even when you have the purest intentions momos mind can only seem to distort the image into something forbidden.

when you offer to take her on a girl's day to the beach to celebrate Mother's days, Momo can only find herself wishing that the waves would crash against you so hard your bikini top flies off and she might be able to catch a glimpse of your perfect tits.

When you inform her that you've finally found a decent apartment and would be moving out soon she's devastated. Not because you won't be there to keep her company but because she won't be able to sneak into your room and pocket your dirty panties if you anymore.

You had smiled at her, so proud that you were finally going to really start your life, go out on your own. But Momo was determined to make sure you stayed.

"You'll be glad to get me out of the house " You laughed taping up yet another box.

Momo feels anything but.

She knows she should be helping you pack, helping with the moving process. Supporting you through this part of your life as a good mother should. yet she can only find herself finding ways to keep you with her longer.

She makes up excuse after excuse as to why she needs you to stay in the house with her, but your mind is made up. You seem to sum up her franticness to get you to stay to empty nesters syndrome.

" I'll make sure I visit, " You reassure her.

But Momo doesn't care about you visiting as much as you can, she wants you to stay with her.

Momo Realizes that you'll leave her and rarely visit. Unless she does something.

For a moment she had thought of Blacklisting you from the apartment complex you were set to move into. But she decides against it. It would be a temporary fix at most, you'd eventually find another place sooner or later and she'd end up back to square one. Momo finds her solution in her status.

Being a hero afforded her access to any substance for an array of problems. When she was early in her hero days her free access to pills had come in handy for cheap highs and party activities, and as she got older it had allowed her the ability to receive top grade painkillers to aid in the damage hero work had done to her bodies over the years.

Now, she would use it as means to make sure you stay exactly where she needed you to be.

It hadn't been hard to get her hands on gamma-hydroxybutyric acid. The date rape drug.

Momo made sure to be as unassuming as possible. Instead of making excuses to prolong your stay, she pretended to welcome the change. Went furniture and decoration shopping, even proposed she cook you your favorite meal for your last night in the house.

For a second, Momo almost has a moment of clarity as she watches you bring your lips to the glass of wine she made with your food. clarity that tells her she's a sick fuck, that this is wrong -that she's a bad mother.

Yet with the way, you were so manageable in your intoxicated state, so easy to stuff into the backseat of her car, to drive out to her house in the hills.

You stay that way even as Momo begins tying you down to the guest bed, spread eagle. Only beginning to flutter awake as she fastens the last tie around your ankle.

Your struggling now, tears streaming down your pretty face as you beg around the gag she put into your mouth.

Momo yaoyorozu is by no means a bad mother.

All she has ever done is make sure that you have had the best possible chances for success in life.

And even now as she climbs between your legs, giving your sweet cunny a small kitten lick, she's certain that she will be able to take care of you.

Whether you want her to or not.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Some of you guys have raging mommy kinks.

It's me. I'm some of you guys.

Anyways if you liked it feel free to reblog I don't mind!

[neonacity]

LUCID | NCT DREAM ‘00 LINE X READER | CH.6

LUCID DREAMS - A TYPE OF DREAM WHEREIN THE PERSON IS AWARE THAT THEY ARE CAUGHT IN A DREAM WORLD.

Summary: It was supposed to be a harmless, professional transaction. You were to tutor a group of boys, get your pay at the end of the day, and go home to your loving fiance. Kids aren’t supposed to be dangerous, right? So why, then, are you caught up in a web of madness that slowly makes you feel like you’re in a living nightmare?

NOTE:This is a yandere plot featuring NCT Dream ‘00 line which means there will be mature themes in the story as well as obsessive, toxic behavior. If you’re a minor, please refrain from interacting. If this isn’t your thing, then just scroll and skip. In no way am I condoning anything written here— this is not love, this is obsession—nor do I think that any of the people mentioned here will act any way like in this story. This is purely a work of fiction.

Genre: yandere, horror, suspense

TW: abuse, obsessive behavior, toxic relationships, suggestive scenes, stalking, possible kidnapping, mental health. Age gap–though nothing dramatic. Everyone is of legal age, drugs, slight smut for this chapter but nothing graphic, questionable consent (?) I guess? Creepy, creepy, creepy! This will be updated as the story goes along.

CHAPTER 1 | CHAPTER 2 | CHAPTER 3 | CHAPTER 4 | CHAPTER 5

“EVERYONE HAS A DARKER NATURE. EVERYONE. GOOD MEN FEAR IT, AND EVIL MEN EMBRACE IT.” - JAMES ISLINGTON

The silent hum of the air conditioning filled the space like a foreboding chant. Nothing else but the sound of the hospital machinery and random noises outside pierced the stillness of the room as you stared, unseeing, at the green and orange numbers that blinked on the monitor above the bed. 

You barely have any recollection of how you managed to find yourself in the hospital, but you do remember brief memories of Taeyong picking you up from the floor you found yourself crumpled on after you got the call. You remember seeing Jaehyun's parents at a brightly lit corridor and his mother pulling you into a hug as she broke down and his father telling you how his son hasn't woken up since he was brought to the emergency room.

You remember your heart breaking in shock, mind too numb from the godforsaken pills you have been taking and your own injury. So many times you wondered to yourself if you were still caught in one of your nightmares, but every time you tried to break free from it, you're slapped back with the reality of how all of this is real.

Your fingers gently tightened on Jaehyun's hands now as your gaze landed on his face. He looked so peaceful, like he's just sleeping, that you almost wanted to bend over and try to kiss him awake. You don't even have any idea what time and day it is already, but you have barely left his side since you were brought to him. The nightmares and sleeplessness? They're barely a problem for you anymore because right now, you're entirely not resting at all unless your body forces you to crash from physical exhaustion. Even then, you usually only sleep for about two to three hours at best to make sure that you never miss a moment with your fiance.

"Severe traumatic head injury. He was lucky enough that the airbag shielded him from the worst of the impact."

The words of his attending doctor echoed in your head again like a faraway voice. You could only remember bits and pieces of what he said to his parents back then as he reported his findings, but you caught enough context for you to draw a picture of the situation. You remember Jaehyun's mother asking the chances of her son waking up again, her voice barely holding up from her emotions. 

"I cannot promise anything, Ma'm. I'd say he has a 60 percent chance. He's fighting."

And he is. You know Jaehyun inside out. He might be unconscious now, but there is no way he is giving up. Not from something like this. 

"Keep fighting baby…" you whispered in the stillness of the room as you lifted his hand gently to your lips to kiss. "I'll wait for you. We still have a wedding to do."

The slight creaking of the door barely made you look away from his sleeping face. You only did at the gentle sound of a throat clearing, your eyes slightly widening as you recognized the man who just walked inside the room. Taeil had the same mildly shocked look on him as he stopped on the  other side of the bed across from you. 

"You…"

"Are you a relative of the patient?" He asked now as he tucked his clipboard under his arm. You simply nodded, watching him quickly glance at the numbers on the monitor before his eyes settled on you again.

"I'm his fiancee."

That made him raise his brows slightly. He pulled a pen now from the pocket of his coat to quickly write something on his file. "What a coincidence. Not a good one obviously. I'm sorry to hear about him. Mr. Jung, right?"

You swallowed. You didn't want to acknowledge anything that he just said so you tried to divert the conversation instead.

"You're not his doctor. Why are you…"

"Oh. He was turned over to me today. I am one of the resident neurologists here but he had to be moved to me because his first doctor has too much in his plate already. Don't worry, I was briefed properly about his case."

Your gaze followed Taeil as he bent over to check Jaehyun's oxygen level as well as the other wires attached to him. You don't know what to feel about him taking over, but at least you already know him previously.

"Are there any changes? Positive ones?" You asked in a frail voice that Taeil definitely didn't miss. You told yourself to not act silly and ask questions that probably do not have answers yet, but you couldn't help yourself now. The man seemed to think over his words first, noticing your state, before calmly giving his reply.

"No particular ones, but the fact that there are no negative developments is… something. I will have to request for some tests to be done on him again tomorrow so we can see if there are positive changes in his brain."

Neutral. Not good, but at least it's not bad either.

"How are you? I was about to check on you again. Is your head okay?"

You were still thinking over his words that you barely caught his question. Looking up, you tried to scramble for an answer to give. To be honest, you haven't given proper attention to your own injury since this happened. You would even only remember to take your medications on your clearest, less anxious moments, which, honestly, isn’t a lot. 

"I'm uh… the wound has closed. But the headaches. They're still there."

He simply nodded. "Any other side effects?"

You didn't immediately answer. You didn't want to sound whiny, but it's not like you're going to lose anything by telling him the uglier parts of your recovery. You swallowed to try and dislodge the slight blockage in your throat.

"Nightmares…" you said now, voice soft. You briefly remembered the last one you had back in the manor before you woke up to the bad news and you felt your stomach turn again. "Lots of them. Hallucinations sometimes…"

The doctor watched you carefully and you know he is trying to compute things in his mind despite his face remaining calm.

"Have you been keeping to your schedule with your medications? Are you taking too much?"

You firmly shook your head no to his last question.

"No, I haven't been overdosing. But… I've been skipping my pills the last few days because of...because of this."

"How have you been feeling since you started missing your dosages then? Do you remember?"

That made you actually stop and think about it for a moment. Now that you are paying attention, you did notice how the nightmares have calmed down slightly. Even the hallucinations are almost gone. You frowned slightly to yourself.

"A bit… better actually."

Taeil took his time to observe you a bit more before writing something on a new page of his clipboard.

"You must have had severe reactions to the mixture of pills I gave you. I'm going to prescribe you new ones and ask the nurses to pick them up and bring them to you here. Can you promise that you'll try and take them though? You really need them to fully heal."

You nodded and gave him a slightly sheepish look.

"I will, thank you very much."

Taeil dug his hands into the pockets of his coat and gave you a gentle smile.

"Well, that's it for today. I'll come back tomorrow to give you updates about Mr. Jung." He had already turned and started walking away when he suddenly stopped to look at you again.

"Oh, and another thing. Please try and get some sleep. Recover… and then focus on helping your fiance."

******* You didn't really know what woke you up. Stirring from your sleep, the first thing that registered to you was the sound of distant traffic mixed with the gentle chirping of the morning birds from outside the window. A warm feeling radiated on your cheek and made the back of your eyelids glow red.

You flickered your eyes open and immediately rolled away to escape the ray of sunshine that slipped from the open curtains and shone directly at your face. You easily evaded it as you moved over to the other side of the bed which was empty and cold from the night before.

That was when you finally remembered that you were back in your home, in the same bedroom you share with Jaehyun. The day before, his mother offered to take the responsibility of watching over him so there was a sudden change of plans that finally gave you the reason to check back into your apartment after so long. If it were you, you would have preferred not leaving your boyfriend’s side until he wakes up, but you also knew that your future mother-in-law wanted to spend time with him so you relented. 

Of course you weren't thrilled to be home alone, especially with Jaehyun not being there, but the comfort that a real mattress provided—over the small couch you used to sleep in back at the hospital—is definitely a welcome change for your body. You even tried to take your medicine properly, the new ones that Taeil had provided, in the hopes of getting knocked down fast. Your adrenaline and anxiety had been fueling you in the past days, but you know from the way your heart thumped and your hands shook that you need a solid rest.

And you got it. You still feel a little groggy now but your body is definitely lighter and your head clearer. The nightmares didn't even come, and while they were replaced by total darkness or dreams in white that still made you anxious, you are willing to take those anytime over the graphic ones that you used to have.

You gently sat back against the headrest of the bed now and reached out for your phone to check the time. It's barely 7AM but as expected, Jaehyun's mom has already provided you with updates from the hospital. He’ll have some tests taken today as Taeil advised and then they’ll hear more about his progress. From the looks of it, she seems still set on watching over her son, which means you still have at least today free to yourself.

You quickly typed a reply to her and sighed. You’re thankful that even though you weren’t related by blood, his parents have always treated you as if you were their own. Having a family is not something you’ve really experienced in your childhood, so that’s something you’ve always appreciated about them. That is also the reason why you wish for the best out of this situation, because you also couldn’t bear seeing your fiance’s mother and father heartbroken. He’s their only son, after all.

A quick look around your room left you feeling empty. The last week has been so hard that it felt longer and now you’re struggling to find your normal pace again. In an effort to bring yourself to focus, you decided to pick up your phone once more and started flipping through your calendar to check your schedule. It didn’t take long for you to frown when you realized the upcoming dates there. You’ve plotted important academic schedules in advance and one quick look at it told you how much you’ve obviously missed in the past week. You’ve been so lost in the mess of everything that has happened that you’ve entirely forgotten about your job at the manor. You realized that they didn’t even call you once to ask about your absence, probably because they also know about the situation, but even that is not enough excuse for you to entirely fall off the radar.  

Biting your lip, you quickly scrolled through your contacts now to look for the number you need. Your thumb hovered over the call button momentarily, but you eventually pressed it anyway. Your eyes wandered towards the clock on the wall, hoping silently to yourself that it wasn’t too early for you to call.

“Rosewood Manor, how can I help you?”

You straightened on your seat.

“Hey, Taeyong. It’s me. Sorry if I called so early.”

The other boy seemed to have been taken slightly by surprise by the way he fell silent at the other end of the line. You tapped your finger against your knee, waiting for him to speak again.

“Hi. No, it’s fine. Work started for me about an hour ago. Are you okay? How’s things on your end?”

You nibbled guiltily on your lower lip and finally got off your bed to walk over to the window. You pushed the curtains open and stared at the slight snowfall that had started falling on the ground. You’ve missed so many days of reporting to them but the first thing he does is to check if you’re fine.

“I um—things are still the same. My boyfriend’s still at the hospital.”

“Oh… I’m so sorry to hear that.”

“Look, I want to apologize. I haven’t really reported to work and I didn’t even call about it. It’s just that—things have been so crazy lately, but still that isn’t an excuse for me to just not show up.”

Taeyong, however, was understanding as always. You were about to go off for another round of apologies when he gently cut you off. 

“Hey, it’s fine. We know you’ve been dealing with a lot lately so we also weren't expecting anything. Don’t worry too much about it.”

“But, the boys’ examinations and portfolio review is happening in three days and I haven’t really checked in with them. How are they doing now?”

“Oh...that. Well, we actually tried looking for a temporary tutor to help out but I...uh… I think he isn't really cutting it. Maybe because he isn’t the one who started the program with them. But he’s a big help still.”

“Oh god, I’m so sorry about that. I should have at least—look, I can drop by today and just try to fix things.”

“Are you sure? You really don’t have to. Don’t you need to be at the hospital?”

You started going around your room now, trying to gather the scattered papers and files that you’ll need. It’s a good thing you woke up early so you still have time to prepare for work. “My boyfriend’s mother is the one watching over him today so I have the day off.”

“And your injury? How is it?”

Your eyes landed on the new bottles of medicine sitting on your bedside table.

“Better. I’m feeling so much better.”

You heard Taeyong sigh in relief over the phone. “Thank god. We were so worried about that. Well, you really don’t need to go, but if you have time, I guess doing it today won’t hurt. It will help us a lot.”

A small smile tugged at your lips now and you switched the phone over to your other ear as you started arranging your bag. “Thank you so much for being understanding. I need a distraction anyway. I’d rather work than stay home alone… Thanks for not firing me.”

That made him laugh a little. “I’ll tell the boys that you’re coming over. Oh, and be careful on your drive here. The roads are a little bit slippery today because of the snow.”

“I will, thank you. I’ll be there by 9.”

******* “Noona!”

You have barely finished arranging your materials on your desk when the door to the room burst open and ushered an anxious-looking Jisung inside. You looked up quickly at him, only barely catching Chenle wobbling with his crutch before your vision of the entrance was blocked by Jisung’s tall frame. His hair looked swept up as if he ran and there was a slight flush staining his cheeks. He stopped right in front of you, stopping just in time for him not to topple you over.

“Hey, Jisung how are—” You tried to give him a smile but he was quick enough to grab your hands between his.  

“Are you back? Are you really back for real?” He pressed now, eyes wide as he tried to bend over to look closely at you. He looked like a puppy, the only missing thing being a wagging tail to complete the look. You couldn’t help the brief laugh that passed over you as you tried to calm him down.

“I am. For the day, yes. Sorry I missed so many of your sessions.”

“We thought you left us,” Jisung continued, his lower lip protruding just a bit. Just then, Chenle had finally reached the two of you, a slightly embarrassed look on his face. This is actually the first time you saw him again since the day the two of you had your accident and you’re glad to see him healthy despite his broken leg.

“Hi, Chenle. How are you?”

The boy scratched the back of his head and looked away slightly. “Fine… I’m sorry, noona. I wasn’t able to visit you when you stayed with us. I’m really really sorry about what happened in the forest.”

You tried to give him a reassuring smile and freed one of your hands from Jisung’s hold to ruffle his hair. The action seemed to have calmed him down a little because he finally looked at you again, a small apologetic smile on his own lips.

“Don’t worry about it. It’s not your fault. But be careful next time, okay?”

“Are you going to be our tutor again, noona?” Jisung pressed once more and you turned your attention back to him. To be honest, you’re still not sure how your schedule will turn out after this, but you couldn’t really bear to break the poor boy’s heart at the moment.

“Yes… I’m here to teach your big brothers today for their tests though. We’ll have to schedule you and Chenle’s lessons again. Is that alright?”

A brief look of disappointment flashed on his face but he was quick enough to pick it up. Jisung smiled and gave your hand a squeeze.

“Okay. We can wait. It’s good you are back, Jaemin-hyung was so—”

“Yah, don’t hog her by yourself. You’ll scare her away.”

A new voice made the three of you look back to the doorway. Haechan smiled at your little group as he strolled casually into the room followed by Jeno and Jaemin. The three of them joined your crowd and you felt Jisung finally let go of your hand as he stepped away to go over to his brothers’ side.

“Hi. Sorry, I only returned now. Taeyong told me that you—”

You weren’t able to finish what you wanted to say as Haechan gently stopped you mid-sentence. He leaned his head to the side, eyes briefly scanning you from head to toe. Unlike Jisung, he looked calm and only barely excited.

“It’s fine. We knew you’ll come back. How are you?”

“Oh… I’m good. My head is better. I haven’t had the chance to thank all of you for taking care of me when I was here.”

“How about your boyfriend?” It was Jeno who asked this time and you quickly turned to him to address his question. Your eyes briefly slipped to Jaemin who was standing behind him before you could even speak though, and for a moment you had the impression that Jeno was shielding him—or blocking him from you. You blinked a little bit in confusion, wondering if it was just your imagination that was making you think that way.

“He’s still… still unconscious,” your smile dropped a little but you tried your best to keep your voice casual. “We’re getting more tests for him. His doctor said that he isn’t showing bad signs at least.”

“I’m so sorry to hear about him,” Haechan said with compassion and you gave him a grateful look. Your gaze settled on Jaemin again, however, who for some reason had barely looked at you since he came into the room. You know that he can be quiet and reserved at times, but there is something in the air around him that makes you slightly worried. He’s so still, but the way he carries himself makes it seem like he’s so strung up at the same time. It also doesn’t help that Jeno seems to be almost pushing him back from view.

“Hi Jaemin… How are you?” You tried to gently ask him to make sure that he is okay. He didn’t look at you at first, but when he finally did, you felt yourself freeze a little. His eyes looked dark and almost emotionless when he met yours and there were shadows under them as if he hadn't slept properly for days. He didn’t even answer and just simply stared, his gaze blank and accusing at the same time.

Haechan casually glanced over his brother and chuckled. “Our Jaeminie here has been sick for the past couple of days so he’s a little out of it. But he’s going to be fine now,” he put a hand over the other’s shoulder and gave it a slight squeeze as if to calm him down. “Right, Jaemin? We’ll try our best to go to class today since noona is finally back, hmm?”

Jaemin, however, didn’t even seem to hear him. He continued staring at you the same way that kept you pinned on your spot.

“Are you leaving again?” he finally asked and you almost felt goosebumps rise on your skin. It didn’t sound like a question… but more of a threat. You swallowed.

“I’m going to have to arrange my schedule till things get better…” you answered carefully, as if you’re navigating dark waters. That didn’t seem to cut it for him, unfortunately.

“So you’re not leaving. Forever?”

You blinked. To be honest, you’ve been thinking of quitting and just finishing the rest of the month if things didn’t improve, but you don’t think that’s the right answer to give at the moment.

“No… not for now,” you finally managed to say. You watched as Jaemin seemed to visibly relax, his stiff shoulders loosening under Haechan’s grip. He didn’t say anything after that, but he at least looked away, seemingly more satisfied with your words.

“Great. I think we should get to work,” Haechan broke the silence and looked around the room as if the tension you were feeling was just something only you could feel. He nodded towards Chenle and Jisung then. “You guys go back to your own classes. You’ll have your share of noona once it’s your turn.” He then glanced at you, smile still in place. “Should we start then?”

You nodded. “Is Renjun still not back?”

“Not yet. He’s going to be here tomorrow though,” Jeno answered as he took his seat on one of the desks.

“I see…”

Haechan also found his spot, but not before you’ve noticed him urging Jaemin to do the same. Playfully, he took the pencil you’ve arranged on the desk and started tapping it against the wood of the table.

“Don’t worry. We’ll tell him you’re back. I’m sure he can’t wait to have his lessons again~”

******* You looked over the window for the third time in the last fifteen minutes and sighed. The day had been busy with you trying to catch up on the boys’ lessons that you barely even noticed the state of the weather outside. When you finally did, it took you by surprise when you saw how much of the ground was covered by snow—one look at it told you that it is at least a feet deep by now. Your first instinct was to try and maneuver your car out of the lot before your tires get entirely buried in it, but then you remembered that you promised to wait for Taeyong to come back before leaving the manor. The butler requested for you to temporarily watch over the manor while he tries to do some last minute errands back in the city, but it’s been two hours since he originally promised to come back. You eyes glanced at your watch now, then back at the quickly darkening view outside. 

“...severe snowstorm has blocked some of the main roads in the city at the moment. Expect heavy traffic and don’t forget to drive safely.”

You turned to the television now to catch the last of the rambling dialogue of the reporter about the weather. You’ve been debating on whether to call Taeyong or not to check on him, but you didn’t want to seem impatient to go home when you only really wanted to make sure if he’s safe. From the looks of it, he’s stuck somewhere because of the hale, too.

You were on your way to get your phone from your bag to at least try to shoot him a message when you suddenly heard it ring. Getting it just in time, you almost sighed in relief when you saw his number there. You quickly took it and went over to the window to answer it to make sure you get some proper signal.

“Hello? Taeyong?”

“Hey. Finally. I’ve been trying to call you for the last hour, thank god it finally connected.”

“Oh, sorry, my phone’s in my bag. I think the signal’s getting bad because of the snowstorm. Where are you? Are you okay?”

“Yeah, about that, I’m still stuck in town. The traffic’s so bad here because a section of the main road is blocked. Road maintenance is supposed to come thirty minutes ago but I think there’s a delay because there are other roads they are working on.”

Your gaze drifted back to the television where scenes of the same blocked avenues were being flashed. “Yeah… the news says the same.  Are you safe though?”

“I am. I’m really sorry for making you wait. I’d tell you to drive back and not wait for me anymore but I don’t think you’ll also make it home in time with all this traffic going on. I don’t think it’s going to be safe. Do you mind waiting for a little bit more? I’ll tell you once the roads are better.”

You thought it over quickly, a frown settling on your face. You really want to go home, but he’s right. There’s no point in trying to drive back if you’ll only find yourself stuck in the roads for hours. Not being a big fan of night driving yourself, you can already imagine the stress waiting for you if you add a snowstorm to the mix. As much as you wanted to leave, you’re left with no choice, at least for the moment.

 “I can… I’ll just wait for you, I guess. Do you want me to do anything here while you’re gone? Dinner for the boys?”

“Oh no, no, you don’t need to do that, that’s not part of your job,” Taeyong sounded abashed when he said that. You stepped away from the window then and took a seat by the fireplace that Jeno started earlier. Half of your concentration was on the news which has now shifted to a different set of reports also caused by the snowstorm. “They’ll know when to go down and eat. Don’t worry about them. Where are they right now?”

“Ah, I think they went back to their rooms? I did tell them earlier that I’ll try to wait for you.”

“I see. Yes, I think that’s better. Don’t worry, I’ll keep you updated. If things don’t get better, I think I’ll have no other choice but find a hostel here and wait for the weather to calm down. You can stay there and just ask for help from any of them. You can stay in the same room just in case.”

You didn’t quickly react to the offer. Instead, your eyes flickered to the doorway of the room before refocusing your attention back to the conversation. It’s not like you have anything against spending the night again at the manor—you’ve done it before, after all—but it’s honestly not really something you’re comfortable to do again. Maybe it’s because you’ve never really been okay with overstaying at strangers’ houses but your gut feel is also telling you right now that it shouldn’t be your top option regardless of the situation you are in.

Still, you didn’t want to come off rude to Taeyong, not when he is only being kind to offer you temporary shelter while being stuck in the middle of nowhere himself. So instead, you went against your initial doubts and offered him your thanks in return. It’s just Plan B that he’s proposing after all. 

“I will. Keep me updated though if you need anything you think I can help with.”

“Thank you and I will. I have to go now though. Please make yourself at home. I’ll try to call again after an hour.”

“Okay. Take care.”

You put your phone down now with a worried frown as you heard the line drop. You couldn’t believe this is happening the first day you got back to work but it’s not like you can really blame anyone for it. The only good thing is that you’re sure Jaehyun is being taken care of right now so that is at least one thing off your shoulders. You didn’t really need to rush anywhere, not especially to a vacant home. Leaning back against your seat, you tried your best to relax as your gaze travelled around the room once again. You deliberated on sending a text to your mother-in-law to tell her about your situation but decided against it, not wanting to worry her more. You sighed. For now, you guess you didn’t have any other choice but to wait.

You did try to distract yourself by watching the news for a few more minutes before finally giving up on it. With resignation, you picked yourself up from your seat again and turned the television off. For a moment you simply stood in the middle of the room, trying to figure out what to do with your time when your gaze settled on the door again. Everyone retreated to their own rooms after they finished with their lessons so it means the house is pretty much yours for exploring if you wanted to. You toyed with the idea for a little bit, before finally resigning yourself to it. It’s not like there really is anything else left for you to do, and Taeyong did say you can make yourself feel at home if you wanted to. With a sigh, you finally turned on your heels to leave the room and peered silently into the hallway. It was deserted as expected, but still your eyes travelled left and right to check if there’s anyone out and about at this hour. It was only after you made sure that you were alone when you finally allowed yourself to step into the corridor.

Of course, you have a plan. You’re pretty much sure that checking out the rooms on the first floor is acceptable since it’s where you’ve been rotating your classes so you’re going to stick to those areas. You remember finding a library there once and you focused on finding your way to it to maybe check out some of the books in the collection. 

It did take you about five minutes to finally find the place you were looking for. For some reason, the sections in the manor always confuse you no matter how many times you try to memorize each one, probably because of how big and similar-looking they are on the outside. You’ve already tried four doors when you were finally welcomed by the familiar-looking bookshelves at the fifth one. You sighed and gave one quick look around the room before slipping yourself inside after making sure that you’re alone.

There will probably never be a time when you won’t find yourself fascinated by anything in this grand home. If the architecture of the mansion is not enough to convince anyone how rich the family is, their book collection is enough to assure that at the very least. You’ve only ever taken a quick glimpse of it once during one of your lessons with the boys, but one look of the titles in their shelves is enough to make any literature major excited. You looked at the floor to ceiling collection now, your fingers gently running over the spines of the books you could reach with a small smile on your face.

You were about to check out the rest of the collection on the other side of the wall when something in the middle of the room caught your attention. You didn’t really catch it at first because of the shadows that concealed it when you first came in, but you could pretty much discern the outline of a blanket covered standee now from where you stood. You frowned. Taking careful steps, you closed the distance towards it to try and figure out what exactly it is that you’re seeing.

A closer look revealed it to be an easel covered with white cloth. You could see the outline of the canvas where the blanket falls over it while shadows of colors peeked out into the thin fabric from the surface it was covering. How odd… you knew that Renjun had a different art room for his paintings so to see this now here in the middle of the library seems uncanny.

You didn’t know how long you remained standing in front of it, too. You know you should have walked away—after all, the white cloth hiding it away from plain view means whatever is on that canvas is not meant for everyone’s eyes to see, but you simply couldn’t tear yourself away from it. It’s as if there was a silent force asking you to pull that cloth to reveal what’s underneath, the inclination so strong that you could almost hear its voice breathing down next to your ear, unrelenting until you do what it says.

The next thing you know, you had your hand attached to one end of the fabric. You stared at it now, wondering last minute if you should go ahead or not. You swallowed and glanced around one last time around the room. If you’re alone… it wouldn’t hurt if you could take a peek, right? Nobody will know. You just have to see, then cover it back again. Before you could even think about it too much, your arm was finally moving on its own as it gently tugged at the covering. You watched as it fell gently on the floor, like a bodiless ghost melting into the shadows on the ground.

Your eyes couldn’t make out what you were seeing at first. The dim lighting of the room wasn’t helping at all, but you were sure that it was a woman’s silhouette that was staring back at you from the canvas. Colors swirled around her, like some unknown mass trying to drag her back into unknown depths. Shapes and tones jumped from the picture, but her form stood out from the rest, gracefully twisted as if she was in the middle of trying to fight and succumb to it at the same time. You frowned. Taking a step closer towards it, you tried to study its details under what little illumination the lamps above afforded you.

That’s when it all happened simultaneously. Your heart stopped beating the same time your eyes widened as they finally focused on what’s in front of them. It’s as if the ground suddenly vanished from underneath your feet and you were falling, falling, deep into the abyss despite your body being frozen in fear and shock.

You know this painting. You’ve seen it before. It was the same one by Renjun, the one that you saw on your first day working in the manor.

But it was different now. Instead of the unfinished state that caught your attention before, everything about the picture now is in sharp focus. The lines on the woman’s nude body, the hands—which you thought were simply dark swirls dragging her back—and her face twisted beautifully in pleasure and madness stared back at you like a nightmare.

But it was not those which truly shook you to your core. It’s the realization that it was your own face in the portrait that was staring back at you, silently screaming for you to run away.

You stumbled back in shock. Your chest felt tight as you tried to grasp for air while your hands fumbled to find something to hold on to keep you from crashing on the ground. Before you could even take another step, however, something hard hit your back and you felt strong arms wrap around your waist like a vice. You have barely realized what was happening when you felt someone lean over your shoulder, lips pressing against the shell of your ear.

“Isn’t it beautiful? You’re the perfect muse, don’t you think?” Renjun asked softly as he pressed a gentle kiss to your temple.

******* You didn’t know how long you stayed frozen in his embrace. For a brief moment you thought you were dreaming again until you felt his arms slowly tighten around your waist. As if a jolt of electricity shocked you, you immediately turned to push him away as you scrambled to put some distance between the two of you.

Renjun didn’t seem the least bothered when your eyes finally focused on him. He remained on his spot, his gaze on you unwavering. You, meanwhile, were shaking from head to toe, the vision of the painting still branded vividly in your head.

“Renjun—what’s this?” you managed to stutter as you pointed at the artwork in the middle of the room. You couldn’t even spare to look at it again while he merely gave it a casual glance.

“It’s you. I’ve been working on it for a long time. I was about to show it to you but it seems like you couldn’t wait for it yourself.”

You felt nauseous. A part of your rational mind was slowly losing it as you tried to process his answer. Something's not right. Something is so terribly wrong.

“Why—why did you do this?”

Renjun simply stared at you and leaned his head a little bit to the side as if he was only mildly curious of your reaction. Your stomach turned even before hearing his answer.

“You said it’s beautiful.”

“This is not right—!”

“I came home because they said you were leaving for good,” he continued speaking softly, effectively cutting you from what you were about to say. The hairs on the back of your neck stood on end and you took another step back as you watched him get close to his artwork. You watched in horror as his thin fingers lovingly ran over the corners of the canvas. “Jaemin almost lost it… It’s a good thing I got here on time.”

And just like that, everything seemed to have clicked into place. The glances, the touches, the words that seemed to have a different undercurrent under them… they weren’t just fragments of your imagination. Every little thing that has gnawed at you from the inside came into crystal clear focus and you felt your knees go weak from the weight of it all. It took every fiber of your being to try and keep yourself steady now, your legs moving on their own as they took small backward steps away from the boy staring at you now with dead eyes. You couldn’t breathe, but it was the last words he told you that finally snapped you to run.

“I don’t think you’ve realized it yet. But no, you cannot leave. Ever.”

You didn’t know where you got the energy for it but in seconds you were flying out of that room and running blindly down the darkened corridors. Your blood pumped noisily in your ears and your chest felt like it was going to split from the sudden exertion you put on it, but you didn’t stop, not even looking back as you tried to put as much distance between you and the library. You didn’t even know where you were going. All you’re focused on is to find the exit and leave the house as soon as possible.

A loud bang that sounded off to your right startled you and you screamed, the force of your shock making you whip around and almost lose your balance. Before you could even hit the floor, however, a pair of hands caught you and you immediately turned, grasping at the chest of your rescuer.

You froze. Haechan smiled down at you as he tried to steady you on your feet.

“Haechan,” you gasped as you took fistfuls of his shirt and tried to shake him in your panic. “Renjun—he’s—please, help me. He’s after me—” you gasped out, almost out of your wits. You’re on the verge of a total breakdown that it almost escaped you, the way he simply smiled down on your shaking form. It was only when you felt one of his hands gently caress the top of your head that reality slapped you in the face again. You suddenly stopped struggling in his hold, pupils shaking as you watched him study your features lovingly.

“Shh… it’s fine. I got you,” he whispered and you could swear ice pricked you from the inside. A slight movement to the right made you turn your head and you saw Jaemin lean casually against the banister of the stairs, his face serene. He gave you one quick look before a gentle smile finally lit up his features.

“Has it started?” he asked and you felt Haechan’s hold on you tighten.

“It has.”

You didn’t struggle. It was as if any trace of fight you had left you in that moment and you let your hands fall limply on your sides. Haechan also loosened his grip on you and you stared at the two boys blankly, your chest heaving as if fighting for air. They didn’t move from their spots and simply followed you with their eyes as if relishing the fear and realization flashing in your face.

Trapped.

You’re trapped.

You’ve always been.

You didn’t even realize that your legs had started moving again on their own as the pieces of the puzzle started to fall together in your mind. You were only shaken from it when your back finally hit the front door, the cold metal of the knob pressing against your spine. Jaemin and Haechan remained on their spots still, even as you blindly reached out for it from behind.

You were expecting it to be locked, so you were a little bit surprised when you felt it give way under your hand when you tried to turn it open. Just before you could even entertain the idea of escaping, however, any trace of hope you had quickly died as you turned and came face to face with Jeno standing right in front of the entrance. He didn’t look the least surprised seeing you there, as if he was waiting for you in the first place.

You eyes took in his calm countenance before slowly moving to stare downwards at what he was holding by his side. Your gaze locked on it in fear, and that’s when the flight response in you flared up again.

Jeno’s hunting rifle shone dully in the light of the entryway, his pale fingers wrapped on its handle.

“There’s really only one place you can run, noona, but I won’t advise it,” he said evenly and you felt your blood freeze in your veins.

“After all, no matter where you hide, I’ll still find you in that forest.”

It happened all at once. You broke into a run, your body screaming at you to go faster as you heard gunshots pierce the air.

---

CHAPTER 7

A/N: Good lord, I wasn’t expecting I’d finish this today but I got one large iced coffee and well... things happened. Anyway, enjoy! Let’s hope the format won’t mess up this time. T.T Finally, all hell broke loose~ <3

Tag list! 

@negincho, @jhornytrash, @jaeminhyuckiii, @jungwoosswhore​, @jsturkey, @aj-7, @pukupukupawpau, @tomiesgirlfren, @vsszn, @those-winternights, @xsnelly, @lihyuck, @laheyspizza, @miyeux27, @haoshitt, @mindofthescattered, @huangberryyy, @d1nne, @choppedupcactus, @neokat​, @yutasnabi​

[autisticandroids]

Okay so this was a while back but im preety sure you had mentioned an au of yours where dean is a serial killer and cas successfully stalks him but i don't think you talked about it more than that and i just really want to hear a bit more bc that idea sounds so tastefully fucked up

okay so. weeks later i finally end up answering this ask. it inspired this post btw. anyway spn is a show that's like. all about justifications, as i said in the post inspired by this ask. it's about having no choice and doing what you have to do. and like there is the phantasy embedded in it, a phantasy that is both indulged and punished. but most importantly it's justified. the monsters are super strong to show how brave our heroes are for fighting them, the main characters let out great wails of grief every time their lady loves are violently ripped from them (even though now they are free to do whatever they want), the narrative twists to show our heroes as correct whatever they do. the fantasy (of being allowed to enact violence, of being free from feminine "control," of being right) comes first. the material construction of the universe of supernatural comes afterward. whatever the fantasy is, the universe of supernatural will provide material conditions to justify its acting-out.

and what this means is that our protagonists, dean in particular, are constantly doing just horrific things, which in any other circumstance would be unconscionable. but the universe of supernatural provides justification for these acts. the point of my serial killer au which i think about so so so much is to ask the question: what if these justifications melted out from under their feet? what if dean was left holding nothing but a lie and the weight of everything he's done?

therefore, the premise of my au is such (under the cut because this baby is long):

john and mary winchester, in the mid seventies, joined a doomsday cult known as the men of letters. the men of letters were rather unusual for a doomsday cult, in that they believed that the apocalypse could be prevented by human behavior. this started as correct living, correct worship, yadda yadda, the kind of behavior and thought control that cults are known for, but with the justification of: if you don't do this, the world will end. eventually, this escalated to human sacrifice. the men of letters managed to untraceably kill two homeless people in the late seventies. but they eventually fell apart. however, a month after john and mary left the men of letters (mostly john's choice, mary still believed), mary died in a house fire. john took it as a sign from god that actually, the men of letters were right, and the world would end unless john himself did something about it. so he took some of the (intensely numerological) theology of the men of letters. and he worked out his own formula. and he applied it to the yellow pages. and started ritualistically killed people to prevent the apocalypse, with his two sons in the back of the car.

now, obviously, this is some kind of grief induced temporary madness on john's part, shaped by the mental abuse he suffered in the men of letters. but the thing is, once you've killed a couple of people to prevent the apocalypse. well. there's this thing called the sunk costs fallacy. john wasn't gonna question his own beliefs after that.

and he raised his boys to believe it, too, or at least he raised dean to. they didn't tell sam what they did until he was twelve, and sam didn't buy it, tried to call the cops on them several times but in the end, they always prevented him. eventually sam ran off to stanford, where he now lives under a cloud of guilt that he's too loyal to his family to rat them out.

john died a few years back of a heart attack, but dean is convinced it's because he messed up a ritual two weeks before it happened, so it pushed him further into this belief system.

dean's killings (and john's before him) are ritualistic and distinctive, obviously the same killer each time. but they happen anywhere in the united states, seemingly at random, there are inconsistent amounts of time between each one (sometimes as short as days, sometimes as long as years), and there is no particular victim profile. obviously, since our killers are following an arcane mathematical formula to make their choices for them, but the police don't know that.

castiel novak is an unemployed shut-in with a small inheritance which he's living off of, a cryptography degree, and an obsession with all things morbid. he spends most of his time on the reddit true crime forums, playing amateur sleuth. by complete chance, he happens to recognize one of the symbols frequently used in corpse displays by the so-called sioux falls satanic slaughterer (so named because the first time three of his victims were in the same part of the country, it so happened that they were all in sioux falls, south dakota. this was in the late eighties.) as being mostly only used by a little known cult group called the men of letters, which dissolved in the mid eighties.

he only notices this because, as a teen, he had a special interest in cults and fringe religious groups. the men of letters weren't a particularly notable or well known phenomenon; they were small, and a lot like every other cult that formed during the seventies cult boom. (no outsider ever heard about the human sacrifice; there were rumors, of course, but they were garbled, sensationalized, and mixed up with satanic panic fodder.)

(the men of letters' two sacrifices were nothing particularly romantic or fantastical. they first lured panhandler josie sands back to their compound with promises of food and a warm bed when she admitted she couldn't get a bed at a shelter, and was thinking of getting caught shoplifting just so she could be under a roof in the county jail. the men of letters' leader, a man who took on the name alistair, forced his inner circle to dress in the ceremonial black robes he had given them when he initiated them into his nearest and dearest, and which his wife had sewn out of old bed sheets and dyed black with home made oak gall dye. these robes still left black smudges on the wearer's skin occasionally if they sweated too much. josie was laid, bound, on the altar, a slapdash thing constructed over the course of two days from scrap plywood and a couple of milk crates. a rich red tablecloth purchased at macy's for $3.99 hid its ugliness and gave it grandeur. alistair attempted to kill the struggling miss sands by bringing a sharpened kitchen knife down on her bosom and piercing her heart, but, having never killed a human or even slaughtered an animal before, was unaware of the problem presented by the human ribcage. after rather ineffectually poking at the area beneath sands' bosom with his knife while she shrieked in pain and terror for about ninety seconds, alistair tried a different tack, and slit her throat, which worked just fine, and she bled out quite nicely. the second and final victim of the men of letters was a local vagrant named larry ganem, an older gentleman who walked with a limp. he was lured back to the compound in approximately the same manner as sands, but instead of being bound, he was fed stew laced with sleeping pills. even if alistair hadn't slit his throat, he wouldn't have woken up. it's actually arguable whether he was still alive at time of sacrifice; mary winchester (eight months into her first pregnancy), who, as a member of the inner circle, was in attendance, actually tried to take ganem's pulse as he lay on the altar (now covered by a different tablecloth; the red one had turned stiff with sands' blood and been subsequently burned) and found nothing, so it is entirely possibly only sands' death can be directly laid at alistair's feet, and ganem's is the fault of mrs. ellen harvelle, who prepared the laced stew. regardless, these two deaths are lessons in the nature of human evil: it is very rarely skilled, suave, or smooth. it's often slapdash, half-hearted, and just plain incompetent. but that makes it no less grisly. alistair may have begun to drink his own kool-aid, as it were, and escalated this far out of genuine belief that the apocalypse was coming and it was up to him to stop it, but it is far more likely that he sensed the imminent collapse of his little empire, and wanted to bind his subjects to him through the horrors of shared guilt, considering two lives a small price to pay for the continued loyalty of his inner circle. and the tactic worked: the men of letters didn't start to collapse in earnest until almost four years later. perhaps if alistair had continued the killings, the men of letters could have lasted for far longer, maybe even up until the present day. but it seems that alistair, a psychiatrist by training and unused to violence, simply didn't have the stomach for it. unlike, say, john winchester, who before his time with the men of letters had done a two year tour in vietnam, during which he had killed three living, thinking human beings with the american government's go-ahead.)

anyway. castiel is the first person, ever, to make the connection between the men of letters and the sioux falls satanic slaughterer. and once that connection is made, castiel begins to research the men of letters far more in-depth. and he notices something: the theology of the men of letters was intensely numerological, filled with patterns, significant numbers, and even spiritual equations.

castiel thinks of the seemingly random selection of the slaughterer's victims, and has an epiphany.

he cracks all his fingers, and gets coding.

six months. it takes castiel six months to discover an equation that could fit the slaughterer's pattern. it's complex, but also clearly based on several of the men of letters' holy numbers, and accounts for every single one of the killings. it also suggests that there should have been two or three more deaths scattered across the years, but more than likely those did happen, it's just that they weren't reported as part of the slaughterer's portfolio.

but much more importantly, castiel's model can also make predictions. there will be two killings, fifteen days apart, in a city seven hours' drive away, six weeks from now.

so castiel waits. and he books a hotel room. and two months later, he's waiting outside 217 oak street when a shadowy figure climbs up a tree and lets itself into the upstairs window.

dean winchester is feeling particularly all alone in the world when he breaks into maisey banks' home (217 oak street). his father has been dead for half a decade, and he hasn't spoken to his baby brother for twice that. it's not like this whole grizzly saving the world business makes him a lot of friends. so once he's done killing maisey (which is easy, she was ninety three and dying of cancer anyway. she doesn't even wake up when he slits her throat) and arranging her corpse in the appropriate manner, with prayers and sigils, he turns around. and sees a man standing behind him.

smiling slightly.

as he watches dean gut this old woman.

dean freezes.

the man takes a step forward.

"you're very attractive for a serial killer who's been operating since the eighties."

dean is silent.

"family business, is it?"

silence continues.

"i'm not here to report you to police. i'm just here to see if my algorithm worked right."

and dean finally breaks his silence: "what the hell is wrong with you?"

what's fun here is that dean knows (or rather "knows") that he isn't a serial killer. so he finds what cas is doing, this amoral serial killer stormchasing, morally repugnant. because cas has no way of knowing he isn't a regular serial killer.

there's also the fact that that cas proceeds to flirt with him. aggressively. and follows him back to his motel.

but the thing is that dean is all alone in the world. and as cas continues trailing him around, he starts getting, well, flattered. and feeling a little bit less alone.

it doesn't take very long before they fall into bed. even if cas is an amoral stalker with a fetish for what dean considers a distasteful yet necessary vocation.

so. they fall into bed. they fall in love. they make a little life together, in dean's big sexy car. dean tries to explain to cas that he's saving the world. that these people's lives are a necessary price to pay. and cas seems to listen.

of course, castiel doesn't believe a word of it. but he's found that he likes dean. really likes him. and he realizes that the collapse of dean's belief system would destroy him.

so he sets about becoming as complicit in it as possible.

even to the extent where, when dean is hit by a car and ends up into the hospital a day before one killing is meant to take place, castiel agrees to take on the job. (he doesn't actually kill anyone, obviously. but he does use his extensive skill with computers to create three fake newspaper articles which make it look like he has.)

but five years later, something goes wrong. really, really wrong. dean miscalculates the formula. and by the time he checks his work, the actual date of the next kill, as demanded by the formula, has passed. in fact, so have three others. and the world didn't end.

dean collapses. he hyperventilates. all those people. all those people. for no reason. all those people. all those people. all those people. all those people. all those people. all those people. all those people. all those people. all those people. all those people. all those people. all those people. all those people. all those people. all those people. all those people. all those people. all those people. all those people. all those people. all those people. all those people.

cas seems totally unfazed. dean stares at him in shock. but cas just takes dean in his arms, and whispers in his ear: "oh, dean, i never believed in the equation. i love you no matter what you've done."

and dean buries his face in cas' chest.

[ray-ray-writings]

Auntie Flow-SBI Inc. (Techno, Wilbur, Tommy, and Philza)

This is a Brother!Technoblade & Brother!Wilbur Soot & Brother!Tommyinnit x gn!reader in the SBI Au! Y/N is younger than Wilbur and Techno but older than Tommy. Also, this imagine is gender neutral but there is talk of the reader being on their period. That being said I know that not everyone who gets their period identifies as a female which is why it’s gender neutral!

Check out my masterlist here

When Y/N isn’t up by their usual time, Dadza goes in to check on them. He soon realizes the problem and enlists in their brother’s help to make Auntie Flow’s visit go a little smoother. 

Y/N’s POV

Everything hurt. Last night before I went to bed, I noticed a little bit of blood in the toilet. I was a little thrown off because my period wasn’t supposed to start until next week. But just to be safe, I put on a pad anyway and went to sleep. Thank God I did. When I woke, I woke in a pool of my own blood. Despite the pad, I had bled through my underwear, pants, and onto my sheets. My stomach and back hurt like hell and I felt like curling in a ball and crying. 

I glanced at the clock beside my bed and found that I had slept in much later than normal, even for a Saturday morning. My father would probably be worried about me. My thoughts were confirmed by a small knock on the door. “Y/N?” Dadza called from the other side of the door, “You alright in there?” “Yes but no,” I called back weakly, the nausea a little too much for me to answer normally. 

The door opened and from over my blanket I could see the concerned face of my father. “Are you sick?” He asked, closing the door behind him. “Again, yes but no.” My father’s face shifted from concern to confusion. I let out a sigh before flipping the blanket off of me allowing my father to see the blood stain on the sheets. Recognition flashed his face before sympathy settled in place. “Oh honey, I thought you didn’t start till next week,” He said, moving closer to the bed. “Yeah, that’s what I thought too,” I muttered, flipping the blanket back over my body. 

“Tell you what, how about you go shower. Get cleaned up and change into clean clothes and I’ll clean up your bed and replace your sheets,” Dadza offered, placing a comforting hand on my side. The warmth that radiated through caused me to sigh in contentment but I nodded nonetheless, “That sounds nice. Thank you dad.” “Anytime kiddo. Let’s get you up,” He replied, gently moving the blanket off of my body and helping me stand from the bed. 

I quickly made my way past my father to my drawers and pulled out a sweatshirt, sweatpants, and new undies before walking out of my room and to the bathroom. “Well there you are! Get enough sleep you lazy bum?” I heard Tommy’s voice ring out from the bathroom doorway. I let out a small sigh and closed my eyes, I really couldn’t do this right now. “Tommy, please. Just let me into the bathroom,” I softly pleaded, opening my eyes to stare into his blue ones. 

Tommy softened for a moment before the smirk appeared back on his face, “No! I think I’m going to take my sweet time in here, unless you tell me why it is you got up so late,” Tommy taunted. Anger flashed and I could feel my blood boiling at his stupid smirking face, “Tommy, I woke up this morning in a pool of my own blood, would you like me to end yours the same way?” 

Tommy’s face paled to a ghostly white. He cleared his throat before silently moving out of the doorway in the bathroom allowing me to silently move past him and slam the door close. I set my clean clothes on the bathroom counter before stripping off my dirty clothes. I turned on the cold water in the sink and did my best to rinse the blood out of my pants before laying them over to dry. I prepped my other clothes for when I got out of the shower, i.e. putting a fresh pad on my new underwear. 

The shower felt really nice on my skin. The warm water rinsing over all my tense muscles, relaxing them. My tummy and back still hurt a bit but the heat helped ease that pain. After the shower, I dried off before dressing in my comfy clothes. Before leaving the bathroom, I reached into the back of the cabinet and pulled out the Midol I kept for this time of the month. I popped two pills, washing them down with some water, before putting the bottle back and leaving the bathroom. 

I noticed the house was pretty quiet, which was really surprising for a Saturday. Maybe Tommy had gotten too freaked out thinking about periods and he is sitting quietly somewhere. I chuckled to myself as I opened my bedroom door, wimp. 

I was surprised at the sight in my bedroom. Not only were new sheets on my bed, but my three brothers were also laying on my bed. “What are you guys doing in here?” I questioned, moving a few more feet into my room. The three boys were sitting against the headboard and they each had things in their hands. “We saw Dad carrying your bedsheets and Tommy told us what you said to him, pretty funny if you ask me,” Techno explained. Tommy scoffed and rolled his eyes at Techno’s words. “So we brought movies, snacks, and a heating pad. We were thinking we could just have a lazy day together, or we could just leave the things here if you want to be alone,” Wilbur explained, holding up the stack of movies in his hand before placing it down on his lap. 

Little tears pricked in my eyes at his words. “Yeah. That sounds great,” I sniffed, moving closer to my bed. None of them said anything about my over emotionalness, not even Tommy that loves to make fun of me. “Come here,” Wilbur coaxed, setting the movies to the side and opening his arms. I crawled into his lap and let him hug my body before I was passed to Tommy, who also hugged me and then to Techno who squeezed me tight. 

The whole day was spent cuddling in bed with my brothers. We watched a lot of movies and ate a lot of snacks. I would be cuddling with one brother and then the movie would end and I would switch to another brother. I don’t know if they even noticed, but the entire time I would be cuddling with one of the boys their hand would find my stomach and they would massage my tummy. Every so often, Dad would come in and check on us. He claimed that it was because it was so quiet he wanted to make sure we hadn’t killed each other yet, but I knew it was because he loved seeing us like this. Together, not at each other’s throats. He would stay for a few minutes, watching a little bit of the movie, before walking back out to ‘go do some work’. 

“What do we want to do now?” I questioned aloud as the last movie’s credit rolled. Tommy’s shoulders moved in a shrug, “Whatever you want,” he responded. I glanced at the time and found that it was a little past 6 pm. “I know we’ve been snacking all day, but I’m hungry. Do you think Dadza will let us get pizza?” I asked, looking over at all of them, my eyes landing on Techno as he was the one I was currently cuddled into. Techno also gave a half-shrug, “It’s worth asking.” 

Before I could move to stand up, a small knock sounded on my door and it swung open. “Hey kiddos. I got us some pizza if you guys wanna come down for dinner,” Dadza announced looking over us. Grins over took all of our faces as giggles bubbled from our throats. “What? What’s so funny?” Dadza asked, really confused as to what was happening. “Nothing. Nothing dad, it’s just that you read our minds,” I claimed with a giggle. A soft smile over took his face as he nodded, “Good. Then come on!” 

Wilbur and Tommy practically leaped off of my bed, racing each other to the door, throwing elbows the entire way, Philza following after them, calling for them to stop. When I didn’t move, Techno raised his eyebrow at me. “Why aren’t you moving? Didn’t you want pizza?” I simply stared at him with a small pout on my lips, “Carry?” I questioned softly. Techno let out a snort at the question, but he didn’t object. I let out a giggle as Techno stood with me attached to him with our chests pressed together with my arms around his neck and legs around his waist. 

Techno easily maneuvered his way out of my room and made his way to the stairs. “Before we go down, do you need anymore Midol from the bathroom?” Techno asked, adjusting so he could look at me. I gave a soft shake of my head, causing Techno to give me a soft nod before continuing down the stairs and into the kitchen. 

Wilbur, Tommy, and Dadza were already seated around the kitchen table. Wilbur and Tommy’s mouths were alright filled with the pizza that our father had ordered. Techno set me down gently in my usually chair before taking his place beside me. “Thank you dad,” I thanked softly before putting a couple slices of pizza on my own plate. “Anything for my kiddos,” he chimed in response, beginning his own feasting of pizza. 

The rest of the night was filled with pizza, laughter and all together good times. We broke out a couple of board games as a movie played in the background for some white noise. Tommy, of course, nearly flipped the board when he realized he wasn’t winning and was only grappled to the ground by none other than Technoblade. Dadza, Wilbur, and I just watched in amusement as the to wrestled on the floor, inevitably knocking the coffee table over and flipping the game over anyway. Looking around at the room filled with my family, I realized that periods absolutely suck. But when you have the right people taking care of you, they’re not so bad sometimes. 

There you have it! I really hope you enjoyed, and if you did, be sure to leave a like!

[harveywritings92]

BNHA vampire soulmate scenario: you see them again/ they introduce themselves.

 They find you and don't leave you alone.

--------------------------------------------------

Dabi: It had been almost a month since the 7/11 incident, Dabi kept his distance watching and protecting you from the shadows, That all change today, he was watching your house from the old abandoned grocery store-across the road from your bar (your house is on top of the bar). He noticed you haven't step outside for almost two days, Dabi frowned as he step out of his hideout and as soon as he got close enough to your home his nose scrunched up as he was hit by a fowl stench: he made a disgusted noise... it was like mix of rotten milk and cantaloupe...

You were sick! but that wouldn't explain your lack of activity...unless- Dabi felt his stomach drop into his feet he checked the gargoyle you keep by the door for your spare key, he unlocked the door and walked inside your house and found you passed out on the floor at the bottom of your stairs! he rush over crouched down to check on you... he put his hand on your neck, Fuck your skin was like a furnace. "What the fuck do I do?" he hissed picking you up of the floor and putting you on the couch in your living room.

You wheezed in protest feeling your body being lifted away from the nice cold floor, your eyes opened straining to see who had moved you? but all you could see was a black and purple blob looking down at you; before moving away from sight as your overheated mind tried to comprehend what was happening, Who was that? How did they get in... but soon you drifted back into unconsciousness, and felt something cold on the back of your head...

You woke up disoriented and very confuse you looked around and you were still in your Livingroom... with half melted bag of frozen carrots resting behind your neck and another bag of frozen corn shoved down your shirt, which bewildered you the last thing you remembered was trying to crawl upstairs and go to your room, than nothing. You heard someone clear their throat and looked next to you to find a man who looked like a ragdoll was sitting in your recliner watching you...

"Who the fuc-" you croaked only for the guy to thrust a yellow pill and a glass of water towards you. "Take this first.." he muttered as you eyed the pill suspiciously "patchy" rolled his eyes at your wariness. "It's just Tylenol." he put the glass on the coffee table and showed you the box, "If I wanted to hurt you, wouldn't I have done it already?" he stated as you hesitantly took the pill and the water from him and swallowed it trying not to gag as it went down your throat. "Who are you?" you hissed voice still hoarse trying not to show fear, which was in vain as Patchy's cerulean eyes lit up in amusement seeing through your bluff. "I have several names, but these days I go by Dabi." he said waiting for your reaction but, to his utter astonishment you clearly had no idea who he was... "ok..."Dabi" How did you get into my house?" you huffed as Dabi gave you this unimpressed look. 

"Y'know the whole reason for hiding a key, is to not make it obvious."

"What are you talking about? What key?"

"Yeah, good one...the key under the gargoyle."

"...I don't keep a key under my gargoyle."

You say watching Dabi's expression shift to confusion as the scarred man pulled the the duplicate key from his pocket, he showed it to you and your stomach felt like it was full of rocks... that was definitely your house key!... But, it looked newer, shinier then the one in your purse. "You don't recognize this?" Dabi asked feeling your fear which caused his instincts go haywire wanting to remove whatever caused the distress, as you shook your head insisting you've never owned a spare key!

Dabi took a sharp breath through his nose, taking it in all the scents around the house before picking up faint traces of a another male... Dabi let out a low inhuman growl as he relaxed against into the recliner. "Good news doll, you gotta a new roommate." Your mouth opened to protest, but something in the deep crevices of your soul was telling you to trust the scarred man as he played around with the duplicate key. with a feral glint in his eye. "Bad news is... It's gonna suck for whoever the hell pissed me off." his purred flashing his fangs at you.  

---------------------------------

Hawks: You were at work it had been to weeks since Hawks showed up on your doorstep, let's just it didn't go so well... It was like in the movies you opened the door saw the blond vampire standing there, you gasped, screamed and fainted scaring the crap out of the poor guy! At the moment he was currently loitering outside the gym you were teaching at, he could hear some of your students parents talking about you.

"It's waste I tell you, someone with her Quirk should've gone pro!" A woman said in a snarky tone the man next to her nodded. " I agree. if I had a Quirk like L/n-san I would be saving lives and kicking ass, instead of teaching kids how to dog paddle!" Keigo growled looking up from his phone and spoke up. 

"Yeah...She could've gone pro, but instead she's here teaching your kids not to drown..." 

Both adults froze and saw the number 2 hero glowering at them his wings slightly puffed and raised making him look bigger, They sheepishly apologized and scurried off, Just as you walked out, with an unreadable expression it was obvious you had heard everything just now, but were relucted to say anything as the two of you started the routine of walking home together, you were still on the ropes about Hawks. 

When he first showed up (after you woke up) you freaked out thinking he was there to to silence you and keep his secret, however after calming you down, he started going on about soulmates, blood-bonds and you being his other half, you were very reluctant to believe him after all... the first time you saw him, he was covered in blood feeding off a woman who looked half dead! Hawks seemed genuinely remorseful about you seeing that, it wasn't his intention to scare you, he explained how the woman was fine. 

She wasn't dead like Y/n had thought! he just used his venom to put her into a state of ecstasy... she likely has no idea the winged blond had been drinking her blood, She was at home most likely believing she had a wild night with the number 2 hero. He even showed you the girl's social media account to prove it; There she was doing a bathroom selfie bragging about the wicked "hickey" Hawks had given her...

Now here you are a month later and the vampire hasn't left your side since! Well... Except for when he has to go on patrol, then he has one of his feathers following you, and you have this sinking suspicion that Hawks has been sleeping on your roof at night...though you're never sure, you could hear something rolling around up there but whatever it is, is usually gone by the time you go check it out, later that night Hawks texted you inviting you to dinner, you read the restaurant's name... Dang that's pretty swanky place, you didn't even know if you had a dress or whatever to wear! luckily in the far reaches of your closet you found an old black dress that seemed suitable enough for the job... and sighed. " I only wore this once, to a funeral..." you muttered before getting ready.

You wished you had taken a shot of whiskey before you left the house, you were a ball of shaking anxiety as you entered the restaurant, the hostess eyed you with a unpleasant sneer. "Can I help you?" she said in fake sweet tone. "Y-Y/n L/n, I-I'm here to meet a Mr. T.K.?" you stammered the hostess scrunched her nose as she gave you a once over snorted. 

"I don't know how you found out about his reservation... but I can assure you the number 2 hero doesn't associate with your type." she with sneer your face would would've been flushed with anger if you weren't holding back every fiber in your body to slap that smug smile off that bitch's face. "Well can you go check?" you snapped standing up to your full height which threw the hostess off, she curt nod and walked off into the back...

(Hawks knew you were here he could smell you the second you walked in, his eyes briefly skimmed over the menu as he herd hostess approach, without you... "Sorry about that Hawks." the redhead cooed as the blonde looked at her bemused she snorted. "Some fake (h/c) slut tried to say you were waiting on her-" she continued talking as Keigo talked over her. " I am waiting for Y/n." he stated firmly as the hostess finished what she was saying. "Just let me ask my boss to let me off and we ca..." she trailed off and blinked not believing what she just heard.

"w-What?" she chortled thinking this was a joke as Hawks deadpanned repeating what he said. "I am waiting for Y/n, go get her." it wasn't request the hostess looked like a fish as she stared at the No. 2 slack-jawed. "Bu...You.. I- what about me?!" she sputtered lip quivering like a child who'd been denied candy, the winged man just eyed her incredulously making it clear he doesn't know her. "What are you talking about?" Hostess didn't answer she just stomped away to go get you.)    

A few minutes later she came back all red in the face. "Please follow me ma'am." she huffed now it was your turn to be smug. "Oh?... But I thought the No. 2 hero didn’t associate with my type?" you hissed as she snapped her head up to look at you eyes her brown eyes filled with jealous rage and you realized....It was her. The girl from the park. "My apologies ma'am." she said with a forced cheery tone as she led you to a private booth where Hawks was waiting his wings stood up at full attention as you sat down.

"Hey did you have any trouble?" he asked nodded towards the front desk where the hostess was giving both of of you the stink-eye. "You don't recognize her?" you whispered as Keigo's brow furrowed as he tried to piece it together.... had.. they slept together?...Hmm no, signed her tits? that was a possibility, He hummed scratching his beard You could tell he was drawing blanks. "She's the woman from the night...when we met?" His gold eyes widened.

 "Oh... the blood that tasted like charcoal and moldy bread." he grimaced in disgusted as he finally pieced it together you tilted your head as him bemused. "That’s what smoker's blood taste like...to me anyways, other Vamps have told me it varies." he stated you hummed nodding your head both intrigue and worried that you were getting use to this odd situation.

While you two were going over the menu, Keigo couldn't help but notice how off you were acting, you were fidgeting and looking around almost like you were...scared. why would you scared? all the other girls he'd brough.... Then it hit Keigo like ton of bricks. 

He was treating you like one of his fans! and not his...hopefully soon to be lover, Dammit! He didn't even think about your comfort zones or asked if you wanted to go out and where did you want to go, he just assumed you would jump at the chance, because what girl doesn't want to go on a date with the number two hero?

After a few moments Keigo put the menu down. "Hey...wanna get out of here?" You were about to protest but the blond put his hand up. "Let me rephrase that; Do you want go somewhere else?" you shyly nodded Keigo called the waiter paid for the drink he had earlier and the two of you went on a very simple and impromptu park date involving pizza and an outdoor movie theater that Keigo had no idea existed; all in all he actually had fun! 

And so did you given the joy and admiration he was sensing coming off you in waves. as opposed the fear and defensiveness you usually gave off around him, which made Hawks hopeful for the future... but for now he'll just settle on being friends, He smiled staring at the spare key you gave him, the blond let out a tiny churr feeling giddy as he fell asleep on your couch, as you caught him outside earlier.  

…..Yes, he was totally sleeping on your roof.

[petri808]

Nalu Yakuza Au *cover art by @jmoart214 💜

1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 |

The tit for tat game was well known to both of their top confidants and lieutenants because it had been going on ever since Natsu and Lucy broke up. Plus, it was hard to get around such knowledge considering most of them came from the same neighborhoods. These intrigues ebbed and flowed like waves. Months could pass by without any interactions between the two, at other times they’d go back and forth continuously until one of them finally gave up, and on the odd occasion ended in a huge fight that led to another round of ignoring each other. Up until now, it had been kind of amusing to watch them torture each other because it was better than a drama shows on television. But that didn’t mean Natsu, and Lucy’s friends didn’t worry about one or both being truly hurt one day because of it.

“It’s fine,” Natsu rolled his eyes as Gray chastised him after the soapland incident. The two men were at Natsu’s home after work hours and supposed to be relaxing. But clearly his friend didn’t want to drop the subject. “What’s the big deal?”

“Dude, you let yourself be blindfolded in a public space! Have you forgotten what kind of business we’re in? What if it had been an assassin instead?”

“Oh, that’s just ridiculous. We’re talking about Lucy’s company, and I trust their security measures because she has just as much to lose if a hit took place there.”

“Still, you should be more careful, at least take a bodyguard with you…”

Natsu’s eyebrow twitched in irritation. “And what, so they can watch the show? We got any voyeurs on the payroll? Cause I can’t think of anyone here who’d wanna see another guy getting his balls fondled!”

Gray ran a hand down his face. “So not the mental image I wanted. You’re missing the point.” He sighed. “Natsu you are the head of this clan, and your safety is my top priority.”

“I get it, I get it,” Natsu drawled.

“And frankly,” Gray continued, “you’ve become distracted by her lately.”

“Tch! No, I haven’t!”

“Yeah, you are. You think I haven’t noticed? I know you drive by her place sometimes. I know you’ve followed her to that coffee shop she likes to frequent. But ever since her employee was robbed, things have escalated again.”

“You’re imagining things and apparently spying on me. I’m just keeping an eye on the competition.”

“Watching over you is my job! That’s not spying.” Gray crossed his arms. “And oh, it’s no doubt that you’re keeping an eye on her. That’s why you went to Katsunuma’s party and to soapland too. The problem is you’re getting sloppy and sloppy gets people killed.”

Natsu groaned. “Are you done yet? We’re supposed to be enjoying the baseball game, not psychoanalyzing my life.”

“Almost.” Gray placed a hand on his friends’ knee and leaned in. “Natsu, you’ve been chasing that tail since high school, just lock her down and convince her to work together already.”

Natsu snorted a laugh. “Gray we all grew up together, so what in all these years makes you think that’s a possibility? You know damn well Lucy’s not a woman you can control without her consent.” Natsu knew that, and frankly he loved that part of her. In fact, it made him even more fired up whenever he thought about it, just like a treasure you don’t just find but must win at the end of a game. “I’ll find a way, some day.”

“Well until that day arrives, could you promise me you’ll be more cautious?”

“Fine, fine,” Natsu waved his hand. “I’ll back off of Lucy for now.”

“Good.” Gray relaxed back onto his recliner thinking the drama was over.

“However, there is a new guy I want surveillance placed on.”

“Who?”

“The bartender from the party.”

Gray groaned. “Seriously? Why? He’s just a bartender!”

“I don’t trust him.”

“Was he spiking the drinks or something? Dealing drugs at the party?”

“Maybe.”

Gray huffed. “You really gonna try that? Do I look like an idiot? This is just straight jealousy talking.”

“I don’t care! I want someone to dig up what they can on the guy!”

“No, what you wanna know is if he fucked Lucy that night!”

Natsu jumped up with his fists clenched. “Fuck you!”

“Fuck you too!” Gray stood up and matched his boss’s energy. “Unless you give me a damn good reason to check into him, I’m not wasting my guy’s time! You might be the boss, but don’t you fucking forget who you’re talking to! I’m not some punk off the streets!”

Realizing he was taking things too far, Natsu sat back down. “Sorry.”

Gray sighed and plopped back down too. “I only joined because you asked me to and you’re my best friend, then I helped you build this new empire, so I’m just as invested in protecting it as you are. But Natsu, personal emotions have led to the downfall of many in this business, and as a friend, I’ll check you any time I think you’re going to far.”

“You’re right…” Natsu sighed too. “She just gets me so worked up.”

“Don’t I know it,” Gray laughed, but stopped when Natsu glared at him. “Sorry, it slipped out.”

“But I swear, there’s something suspicious about him. When he saw me, I thought he just reacted because he thought I was Lucy’s boyfriend or something, but the more I think about it, he might have recognized me.”

“Well, that wouldn’t necessarily be suspicious either.”

“True. But the look in his eyes just made me wonder.”

“Alright…” Gray groaned, “if it’ll make you feel better, I’ll have someone do some digging. So, you said he has orange hair and glasses, and the name on his tag was Loke?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s an unusual name, shouldn’t be too hard to check on.”

Over the course of a couple of weeks, Gray sent out feelers for any information on this Loke guy. Katsunuma junior gave them their first small lead that the bartender had worked the party through a local food catering company. That catering company was a legitimate business who had both full-time staff as well as independent contractors brought in per event as needed. Loke had been one of the latter. From there Gray obtained a last name, de Lioncourt.

According to his sources at the local precinct, Loke de Lioncourt had no rap sheet, no prior dealings with police, and for all they knew was an average citizen. The man’s Line blog profile listed him as a 28-year-old, Japanese/French American, model and bartender, and it was filled with pictures from events, parties, as well as many gorgeous women— none of which contained Lucy. But as Gray trolled through the man’s feed, he did come across one person he recognized and passed the information along to Natsu.

“Wow, she’s in a bunch of photos,” Natsu mumbled as he scrolled through the blog.

“Well, considering Cana’s reputation are you surprised. Parties and alcohol are the two things that woman lives for.” Gray laughed. “Now see, this makes sense to me. Lucy and him, not so much.”

“Tch… still pisses me off he even tried.”

“Lucy’s a free woman, she can go out with whoever she wants to.”

“We’ll see about that,” Natsu mumbled low.

“What was that?” Gray asked with a raised brow.

“Nothing.”

“Better be nothing, cause this is a dead end. He’s just a flirty bartender. It’s how they make tips.”

“Yeah, yeah, fine.” Natsu sat back in his chair. “So, back to business. What this I heard about some missing stock?”

“Oh, right. One of the warehouse clerks noticed a shortage, but when I checked with Yura, he said the books were fine. I had him show it to me, and it appears the numbers were just inverted by accident. So, instead of 185 kilos, it’s supposed to be 158 kilos.”

“Did you talk to the clerk again? Does he have any history of messing up like this?”

“Nah, he’s one of our better clerks.”

“Just keep an eye on it.”

“Sure thing, boss. By the way, have you seen Gajeel today?” Gray questioned. “I haven’t seen him.”

“He called me this morning said he wasn’t feeling well, thinks he ate something bad for dinner last night.”

“Tch, seriously? Thought he had an iron stomach?”

Natsu shrugged. “Must’a been some bad sushi or something. We ain’t got much happening today, so it’s fine. Anything else? I got some stuff I need to finish.”

Gray tapped his chin. “Just a reminder you have an appointment with our tech guy dropping by later this week to go over some upgrades on the system.”

“Like I’m supposed to know anything about that stuff, it’s what I pay him for.”

“You still gotta approve it,” Gray shrugged and took his leave.

Once the man was completely out of the office, Natsu opened a drawer in his desk and pulled out a nondescript box he’d hidden inside. He grinned to himself. It was time to make another special delivery. Even though he’d told Gray he was backing off the whole Lucy and Loke subject, there was no way he was gonna let it slide. Natsu didn’t care if the man seemed legit, and he wasn’t the first nor would probably be the last that he’d eventually scared away. And besides, being a Yakuza boss had a lot of down times too, easily filled with having a little fun.

Today’s little care package was being sent to Lucy by a courier service and Natsu just had to drop it off to the delivery company. Just a normal company like Kuroneko Yamato so it wouldn’t rouse too many suspicions. It was turning into a fun game for him just coming up with ideas of what he could do to rile Lucy up or irritate this Loke guy. Natsu chuckled to himself. So far, his favorite prank was a box of small sized condoms and a bottle of enhancement pills that he’d had delivered to Loke while on the job at another party. He’d even snuck in to watch it delivered, gaining a good laugh when the man took a peek in the box and frowned at its contents.

It was childish, but Natsu didn’t care. Every day for two weeks now, something new was sent to Loke. Random gifts like children’s candy to a toy gun, a big bottle of lubricant wrapped in a bow, a week’s worth of meals sent for lunch one day, even an empty box with rocks inside it just to drive the man crazy wondering who in the world was sending them. Lucy too wasn’t immune to his pranks, though hers had a different feel to them. Flowers with no note attached. Tickets to a canceled show he made up. A supposed dinner invite from Loke that wasn’t real— okay that was to test her, but she didn’t fall for it. And today’s little care package fit right into his prank scheme.

Natsu dropped off the package at a Kuroneko Yamato office with the address instructions already filled out and paid the company’s employee extra to keep their mouths shut. ‘She’s gonna kill me one day,’ he laughed to himself as he rode back to his office. ‘If it’s suffocation by her boobs it wouldn’t be a bad way to go!’

“Anymore stops sir?” The driver asked Natsu.

“Nope. Back to the office.”

He looked at his watch. The package should be arriving at Lucy’s office within the hour. Give or take another to open it, and by 4pm he would be receiving another phone call. Maybe he won’t answer it. Oh, that would piss her off even more! ‘Well, if she’d just take the hint...’

The afternoon was supposed to be mellow at headquarters that day. No shipments, and no appointments. But when Natsu got back, another general in the organization named Jellal Fernandez came to his office to inform him of a problem. One of the new local restaurants in their territory was refusing to cooperate and he wanted to know how Natsu wanted it handled. They were right in the middle of discussing it, when Natsu’s office door flew open with a loud bang!

In stomped Lucy who immediately threw a box at his head, causing Natsu to duck and Jellal to pull his gun.

“Don’t!” Natsu screamed at his general and motioned for him to stand down, to which the man complied. “Do you have a death wish Lucy!”

“Get. Out.” She snapped at the general. “Get out! This is between me and your boss!”

Jellal looked to Natsu, who nodded his head to scram. “I got this, don’t worry.” The man holstered his gun and left, but Natsu could see he’d stayed right outside of the now closed door.

“I take it you didn’t like the gift,” Natsu pretended to stay calm.

“Gee, me throwing it at you give you that impression? I know it’s you sending all these damn deliveries to me and Loke. That needs to stop now!”

He crossed his arms and scoffed. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Play dumb all you want. Just stop! Why are you even doing this?!”

“Take a guess,” he sneered back.

“I could’ve sworn we were adults now, but apparently I’m the only one who grew up. Stay out of my love life Natsu!”

“So, you admit you’re sleeping with the guy!”

“That’s none of your damn business! I can fuck whoever I want!”

“Not as long as I’m alive,” Natsu growled back.

Lucy crossed her arms. “That could be arranged.”

“Is that a threat?!”

“Yes! If you don’t stay out of my love life!”

“A woman shouldn’t be sleepi—”

“Don’t you finish that sentence!” Lucy grabbed a stapler that was within reach and chucked it at Natsu’s head. “Stop trying to control me!”

“Are you crazy?!”

At that moment, Gray barged into the room. He’d heard the screaming from the other side of the office, and when he got close enough to see Jellal standing outside the door, he became alarmed. Why would a general leave Natsu vulnerable! The man told him their boss told him to leave, but as the sounds inside escalated, Gray couldn’t wait anymore.

“Stop it!!” Gray got between them. “What are you two doing! Lucy you shouldn’t be here!”

“Then tell your damn boss to leave me the fuck alone!” Lucy spat back. “Ask him how he’s been harassing Loke and me!”

Gray turned to his boss with a groan. “Natsu, we talked about this!”

“Tell Gray what you been doing!” Lucy pressed. “Show him the stupid packages you send!”

“What packages?” Gray looked to Lucy, then repeated the question as he stared at his boss. “What packages?”

“Tch,” Natsu crossed his arms, “it’s not even that bad.”

Lucy stomped over to where the box fell and picked it up, pulling the contents out. “Bullshit!” She snapped as she held up a very racy, red nightie with flame prints, a pair of fluffy handcuffs, and a large dildo. “See this shit?!” Lucy shook the floppy latex toy at Gray before chucking it to the ground again. “He includes messages too,” then handed the man a folded piece of paper.

Gray read it aloud, “to make up for what playboy lacks. Had it custom made to my size wink wink. Ugh, seriously man,” he tossed the letter.

Natsu shrugged. “I was just having fun.”

“This is the yakuza, not a daycare!” Gray snaps. “I’m not here to babysit the boss so he stops harassing the competition! There’s more important business to worry about!”

“That’s right listen to Gray,” Lucy sneered.

Gray turned to her. “Oh, you ain’t innocent either, so don’t even try it. You both do things to purposely rile the other up and get mad when there’s consequences. Stop it!” He looked back and forth between the two. “Just stop it already!”

Natsu and Lucy looked away from the man with scowls on their faces. Neither wanted to admit he was right.

“Jellal,” Gray called out. When the man entered, he instructed him to escort Lucy out of there. “Next time, just call me instead. It’s best you two just stay away from each other. Got it?!”

“Yeah,” Lucy grumped.

“Got it?!” Gray questioned his boss.

“Yeah,” Natsu mumbled.

“Fucking like high school,” Gray ran a hand down his face in irritation. “You two need therapy.”

[just-dreaming-marvel]

Love and Medicine ~ 1

MASTERLIST

Word Count: 2,300ish

Summary: You begin your intern year at Avengers Medical Center

You let out a little groan as you turned around. You immediately knew you were naked as the cold wood floor sent chills down your bare body. Slowly opening your eyes, you took in your surroundings. You were home, in the house you had just inherited, boxes still pilled high around the living room you were laying in. Suddenly, someone else groaned beside you. You teased, clenching your eyes shut. The headache you had been ignoring since you woke finally broke free and you realized that your late night drunkenness must have caused you to bring a guy home.

You let out a long breath as you reopened your eyes and looked over at the hopefully-still-asleep man beside you. He wasn’t bad looking at all. You had really done well. He was blonde with a chiseled body. He had to have been at least six foot, which didn’t hurt. He was naked though, all out in the open on your living room floor. Cringing, you sat up, pulling one blanket from the couch to quickly cover yourself before standing and pulling one over him. You stood up silently, and began making your way out of the room. It was your first day of your intern year as a doctor, you couldn’t afford to be late.

You successfully made it to the doorway of the living room without a sound before the floorboard beneath you creaked. You should there, frozen, closing your eyes in hopes that the man sleeping behind you wouldn’t wake. You could hear him turn over, letting a small moan out of his mouth. Waiting a few more seconds, you started going again.

“You know…” the man started, clearly in his morning voice, “it’s usually rude to disappear on someone after spending a night with them.”

You quickly spun around to see him, still laying on his stomach, looking up at you with a sly grin.

“Well,” you cleared your throat, “it’s my house, so it’s not that rude.”

He stood up, not grabbing the blanket as quick as he should have, letting you have another look at him. When you met his eyes again, it was clear that you had been caught staring and that he was enjoying it.

“Why the rush to silently get out of here?” He asked, tucking the blanket around his waist. “Have a husband or a boyfriend you have to hurry and get ready for?”

“Neither,” you responded, tightening your hold on the blanket covering you. “I’m running late for my first day of work. So, if we’re done here, you should go.”

“We don’t have to be done here.”

“I think we do.” You kicked up his shirt, grabbing it, and throwing him at it. “You need to go.” He caught his shirt, slipping it on slowly over his clear cut abs. “So, um, goodbye… um…”

“Steve,” he reached his hand out.

“Steve. Right,” you shook his hand. “Y/N.”

“Y/N.” He smiled. It almost took your breath away, but you couldn’t let it show.

“Yeah.”

“Nice meeting you.”

“Yeah. Bye, Steve.”

You fled up the stairs, hoping that by the time you were done getting ready, Steve would be gone.

~~~

You made it to the Avengers Medical Center just in time to meet up with the other interns in your year. The Chief of Surgery, Dr. Nicholas J. Fury, was leading a small tour to the ORs. He started talking as the interns took in the OR.

“Each of you comes here hopeful. Wanting in on the game. A month ago you were in med school being taught by doctors. Today, you are the doctors,” Fury stated. “The seven years you spend here as a surgical resident will be the best and worst of your life. You will be pushed to the breaking point. Look around you. Say hello to your competition. Eight of you will switch to an easier specialty. Five of you will crack under the pressure. Two of you will be asked to leave. This is your starting line. This is your arena. How well you play? That's up to you.”

He then told each of the interns which resident they were assigned to. You got Dr. Gamora. All of the interns were then taken to the locker room, where each of you were assigned a locker and given scrubs to change into and start your long day.

“Only ten women out of thirty,” you muttered as you slipped your scrubs on.

“Yeah,” the woman with fiery red hair next to you responded. “I heard that one of them was a model. Seriously, like that’s going to help with the respect thing?”

“You’re Natasha, right?”

She nodded. “You’re Y/N?”

“Mhm,” you hummed.

“Which resident did you get assigned to? I got Gamora.”

“Me too.”

“You got Gamora?” A male intern repeated beside you. “So did I. At least we’ll all be tortured together, right? I’m Clint Barton, uh, we met at the mixer. You had a dress with a slit up the side, those shiny heels…” You and Natasha exchanged looks. “Now you think I’m gay.”

“Uh-huh,” Natasha hummed, heading out the door.

“No, I’m not gay! It’s, ah, it’s just that, you know, you were, I mean… You were very unforgettable,” Clint rambled as you both followed after Natasha. You shot him a sympathetic smile before hurrying to catch up with Natasha. “And I’m totally forgettable.”

“Barton, L/N, Romanoff, Valkyrie, Lang,” a doctor called at the door way.

“Gamora?” Natasha questioned that doctor that called you.

“End of the hall.”

The five of you that were called began walking. At the end of the hall, you saw a pretty woman working on paperwork. She didn’t look as threatening as you had heard she was.

“That’s Dr. Gamora?” Natasha wondered.

“From what I heard, I thought she’d look scarier,” the other male in your group of five said. You guessed it was Scott Lang.

“Yeah,” Clint agreed. “I thought she’d be… well, bigger.”

“Same,” you added.

“Maybe it’s professional jealousy,” a woman in your group suggested, Valkyrie, you presumed. “Maybe she’s brilliant, and they say things about her because they’re jealous. Maybe she’s really nice.”

“Please don’t tell me you’re the model,” Natasha said.

“Wait…” Clint said, looking at Nat. “I thought you were the model.”

Valkyrie shot Natasha a look before turning to Dr. Gamora with an extended hand. “Hi, I’m Valkyrie, but everyone calls me Val.”

Gamora looked her up and down, not even moving to shake Val’s hand. “I have five rules,” Gamora stated, clearly unimpressed already. “Rule number one, don’t bother sucking up, I already hate all of you, that’s not gonna change.” She turned and pointed to things on the counter. “Trauma protocol, phone lists, pagers. Nurses will page you, you answer every page at a run. A run, that's rule number two. Your first shift starts now and lasts forty-eight hours.” 

Gamora began walking away with you and the others quickly following, after each of you have grabbed the things off the counter. 

“You’re interns, grunts, nobodies, bottom of the surgical food chain, you run labs, write orders, work every second night till you drop and don’t complain!” She continued. Gamora led you to a door, opening it to reveal a room with bunk beds. “On call rooms. Attendings hog them, sleep when you can, where you can, which brings me to rule number three, if I'm sleeping, don't wake me, unless your patient is actually dying. Rule number four, the dying patient better not be dead when I get there, not only would you have killed someone, you would have also woke me for no good reason, we clear?” There was a brief pause before you nervously raised your hand. “Yes.”

“You said five rules,” you tried to hold back a cringe as you spoke up. “That was only four.”

Suddenly, Gamora’s pager beeped. “Rule number five. When I move, you move.” She ran down the corridor, followed by you and the other interns. “Get out of my way!” She yelled at a few doctor’s blocking the hallway.

You had the others followed Gamora to the ER. There was a bustling trauma room that the six of you entered. There was a young female on the stretcher, already being hooked to the machines.

“What’ve we got?” Gamora asked.

“Savannah Chase, fifteen year old female,” the paramedic still in the room stated. “New onset seizures, intermittent for the past week. ID lost en route. Started gran mal seizing when the ambulance pulled up.”

“Alright, get her on her side, Val, ten milligrams Diazepam.” Val started to do as she was directed while the rest of you watched. “No, no, the white lead is on the right, righty whitey, smoke over fire, a large bore IV. Don’t let the blood haemolyse, let’s go!”

Val injected the young woman with the diazepam and she stopped seizing. A new Doctor entered the room.

“So I heard we got a wet fish on dry land?” The man asked.

“Absolutely Dr. Banner,” Gamora responded.

“Dr. Gamora, I’m gonna shotgun her.”

“That means every test in the book, CT, CBC, chem seven, a tox screen,” Gamora clarified for the interns. “Natasha, you’re on labs, Clint, patient workups, Y/N, get Savannah for a CT, she’s your responsibility now.” Gamora began to walk away.

“Wait,” both Val and Lang called out. Gamora turned back around.

“What about us?” Val asked.

“You two—honey, you get to do rectal exams.”

~~~

You were currently in an elevator with Savannah, the patient, trying to find your way to CT. Since it was your first day at the medical center, you didn’t know where anything was and you were too stubborn to ask.

“You’re lost,” Savannah stated.

“I’m not lost,” you defended. “How are you feeling?”

“How do you think I’m feeling? I’m missing my pageant.”

“You’re missing your pageant.” You wheeled her out of the elevator and around a corner, still not knowing where you were headed.

“The Manhattan Teen Miss? I was in the top ten after the first two rounds. This is my year. I could’ve won.” Savannah sat up as she was wheeled back around the same way. “Hello? You’re so lost. What are you, like, new?”

“I’m— just tell me what happened.”

“I twisted my ankle. I do rhythmic gymnastics, which is like, really cool. Nobody else does it. And I tripped over my ribbon, and I didn't get stuck with someone this clueless. And that was like, a nurse.”

You gritted your teeth, trying not to be over-the-line rude to a patient on your first day. It took you almost another forty five minutes to find CT. You helped her with the scan before taking her back to a room. Before you knew it, it was lunch time. You grabbed some food from the cafeteria, finding your group of interns alone at a table.

“Savannah Chase is a pain in the ass,” you grumbled as you sat down with your tray. “If I hadn't taken the Hippocratic oath, I'd Kevorkian her with my bare hands.” The others around her just stared. “What?”

“Good afternoon interns,” a new doctor came up. “I’m Dr. Maria Hill. It’s posted, but I thought I’d share the good news personally. As you know, the honor of performing the first surgery is reserved for the intern that shows the most promise. As I’m running the OR today, I get to make that choice. I’ve been watching you all and I have to say, you’re all something. The intern I’ve chosen is, Scott Lang.”

Scott coughed up the drink he had been taking. “M-me?” He questioned.

“You’ll scrub in for an appendectomy this afternoon. Congratulations.” Then she left.

“Did she say me?”

“I can’t believe you were chosen over me,” Natasha grumbled. “It’s already clear that I’m a better surgeon that you.”

“Did she say… I’m sorry. What?”

~~~

After lunch, you went back to Savannah’s room to take care of her. As you did, a man and a woman, not doctors, came in.

“Savannah, honey, mom and dad are here,” the woman said, coming over to Savannah’s bedside.

“They gave her a sedative for the CT scan, so she’s a little groggy,” you informed them.

“Will she be alright?” The mother asked.

“Our doctor at home said she might need an operation, is that true?” The father wondered.

“What kind of operation?”

“She’s, um, well, you know what,” you tried your best to sound professional through your nervous stuttering, “I’m not, I’m not the doctor, uh. I am a doctor, but I’m not Savannah’s doctor, so I’ll go get him for you.”

You quickly left the room to go find Gamora. Thankfully, she was at the nurses desk just outside of the room. You hurried over but were too nervous to start speaking.

“What?” Gamora questioned, not looking up from the paperwork she was doing.

“Savannah’s parent’s have questions,” you responded. “Do you talk to them, or do I ask Banner?”

“No, Banner’s off of the case. Savannah belongs to the new attending now, Dr. Rogers, he’s over there.”

You follow in the direction that Gamora gestured to. You only made it a few steps before freezing. The man Gamora gestured to was talking to another doctor. But that wasn’t the reason you froze. Dr. Rogers was none other than your one night stand, Steve. Your eyes widened and you turned to go, but it was too late. Steve glanced your way, having to do a double take. You quickly left, feeling his eyes on the back of you.

“Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit.”

next chapter >

NOTES: Yes, this has been posted before, but I deleted it. I’m trying again. From now on the taglist when be added by a reblog. I will reblog it using my second account, @just-dreaming-marvel-2​. Just so that my main page doesn’t get too cluttered.

If you want to be added to the tag list, please dm me or send in an ask.