#I think that if Eurylochus lived after that

[room-temperature-orange-juice]

Something that should be more talked about in the Epic fandom is how Odysseus canonically beats Eurylochus in a fight. If it weren’t for Perimedes, Odysseus would’ve won in Mutiny and killed Eurylochus.

[fluffypotatey]

I wonder if there’s a part of Eurylochus that resents Polites

[rin-solo]

Finally, I am happy to present to you my ...

EPIC: THE MUSICAL | ACT I [Character Design project]

I have been working on these for a long time and I am very happy with how these turned out. I am a huge fan of visual character design and I simply needed to do a full lineup.

Act II will follow shortly (it is all done except for Ithaca Saga, which I will add as soon as it drops.) Please enjoy, and read below for some thoughts and background on some of my design choices!

TROY | CYCLOPS ft. Odysseus, Athena, Eurylochus, and Polites

With Odysseus, I really wanted to emphasize his free spirit in this era and mark him as Athena's warrior, so I gave him a special belt and some armbands that represent her (this was inspired by some of @mircsy's work). He also has heterochromia; his left eye is green, representing his cunning, wisdom, and spirit; his right eye is gray, representing his ruthlessness and warrior side.

I simply love Athena in purple/gold. Her mask is a symbol of her invulnerability and comes off only during "My Goodbye" when Odysseus tells her that she's alone. Her cape can also transform into wings, and her eyes are actually golden without the mask.

I had to give Eurylochus his large anime sword (it's just as heavy as it looks but he likes it that way because that means no one besides him is strong enough to wield it ... I imagine Eurylochus can bench press at least Odysseus' and Polites' weights combined. He and Polites are also wearing variants of Odysseus' armor, indicating that they belong to the same army.

Listen, I can vibe with Eurylochus' giant sword but I draw the line at Polites with glasses, sorry. He still gets the hairband, of course. He's also dressed more casually, and without a weapon, because of his pacifistic outlook. He's the physically weakest among the trio by far but also still an inch taller than Odysseus (it's fine, Odysseus is still like 5'10, his friends are just all so freaking tall...)

OCEAN ft. Aeolus, Poseidon, and Odysseus

Not gonna lie, I LOVED designing Aeolus' outfit. She's playful and mischievous and loves to hang out in the clouds all day; her outfit is probably made out of clouds let's be real. Also yes, her image on the windbag moves to make cheeky faces.

Poseidon I cannot imagine without tentacles anymore thanks to @gigizetz's "Ruthlessness", idk it just fits him so well. He definitely got all dressed up to go and sink Odysseus' fleet that day, he has a reputation, you know? And he just likes the shiny gold and accessories; the ocean is full of them so why wouldn't he?

Edit: I actually updated this design somewhat significantly; if you're interested in the current one, check here! He still has a tentacle/monster form, but it's not his only one.

Since breaking up with Athena, Odysseus lost her belt and armbands. He's still wearing her brooch because he couldn't bring himself to fully throw that away as well yet. Polites' hairband around his wrist reminds him of what he's fighting for and what to live by ... for now (Poseidon is about to ruin this man's whole career...)

CIRCE | UNDERWORLD ft. Circe, Hermes, and Tiresias

I wanted to give Circe the "witch" vibe while putting a Greek spin on it and I actually adore her design. She seems both immortally youthful (something I aim for with all my god designs) and motherly. There she was, gathering some herbs when a bunch of strangers crash onto her island ... Oh well, at least this man was a good man this time.

Hermes is kind of just Hermes. I wanted to keep him shaded, a bit impish, and definitely up to no good. He's wearing the contrasting colors on purpose, by the way. And yes, his hat can fly on its own ... But for it to do that he'd have to actually be willing to show his face which he seldom does unless he really trusts you.

Tiresias is a soul, so he has the same kind of ageless youth as all my gods (something that goes for souls of dead people too, since I like to think they get to appear at whatever age they want after death.) He's looking a bit regal since he's a prophet, so I imagine regarded highly, even in the Underworld. Instead of the blindfold, his hood covers his face, adorned with a symbolic eye to identify him and his skill.

***

Well, that's it for ACT I, friends, I hope you liked these! I will upload ACT II asap. Please comment and/or tell me your thoughts about my designs! And feel free to ask any questions you may have! I would love to talk more about these.

[blessedbyahuntress]

Blessed by a Trickster

Chapter One: The Voice in my Head is Laughing at me

Prev Chapter/Next Chapter

Warnings: Reader is struggling with a voice in her head, but that's it

Word count: 979

Listen to: The Horse and the Infant

“Alright my brothers, listen closely.”

Your head snapped up at the sound of Odyseus’s words.

“Tonight we make the Trojans pay. Ten years of war they’ve killed us slowly.”

You let yourself close your eyes, thinking of all the times you had been weak and starved and miserable. Oh, how badly you wanted to inflict all of those feelings on the Trojans.

“But now we’ll be the ones who slay.”

A smile played across your lips.

“Think of your wives and your… children.” Odysseus faltered a bit when his gaze caught on you. You didn’t have a husband or a significant other. You were alone except for him, Eurylochus, and Polites.

He quickly regained his composure. “Your families wonder where you’ve been.”

“They’re growing old and yet you’re still here. Do what I say and you’ll see them again.”

Your eyes flew open, revealing a determined look in your eyes as you said with the rest of the crew, “Yes sir!”

“Diomedes will lead the charge, Agamemnon will flank the guards. Menelaus will let our mates through the gates to take the whole city at large. Y/N will shoot any ambush attack, and little Ajax will stay back. Nestor, secure Helen and protect her. Neo, avenge your father, kill the brothers of Hector.”

You drew an arrow from your quiver and shot a grin at Ajax. You were an outstanding archer, but the job could get lonely at times. You were glad that Little Ajax would be keeping you company, even if he wasn’t helping. He smiled right back at you, visibly relaxing.

“Yes, sir!”

“Find that inner strength now.” Odysseus drew his blade, making a rather eerie sound. “Use that well of pride. Fight through every pain now. Ask yourself inside.”

He stalked through the lines, stopping in front of you and Eurylochus. “What do you live for? What do you try for? What do you wish for? What do you fight for?”

You straightened, dipping your head in respect to your leader as you repeated the lines with the rest of the army, “What do you live for? What do you try for? What do you wish for? What do you fight for?”

Odysseus turned and you marched after him in turn with Eurylochus, who gave you a grim smile. “What do you live for?” You and your comrades said again.

“Penelope,” Odysseus murmured so softly in response, that only you and Eurylochus could possibly hear.

“What do you try for?”

“Telemachus.”

You drew your bow.

“What do you wish for?”

“I’m on my way.”

You notched your arrow.

“What do you fight for?”

“Attack!”

The men charged forward, while you picked your way to a higher vantage point. After a while, Polites joined you, guarding your back from stray swords and wild arrows. Your free hand gripped Little Ajax’s until you reached the top.

You let go of the small boy’s hand and taunt your bowstring. But instead of shooting, you glanced over your shoulder at Polites and offered your friend a small smile. “You should go now,” you said.

He shook his head. “Odysseus said to guard you, and I will.”

Your smile turned into an irritated scowl, but you turned your attention back to the battlefield below you; you knew there was no point in arguing.

You saw a man going to strike Neo while his back was turned. Coward, you thought bitterly, releasing the arrow. 

The arrow met its mark, as did all the others you shot. 

A couple of times Polites actually did come in handy, cutting away arrows that came whizzing toward you while your focus was mainly on the fight progressing below you. 

Each time he did this, you gave him such a genuinely grateful smile that it made his heart melt and his cheeks flush. Did you not know your own power over him when you smiled like that?

Suddenly everything was so silent you could hear a pin drop.

You followed all of the warrior’s gazes up to a balcony. The scene made you gasp.

There Odysseus stood, his face streaked with tears as he looked down at the bundle in his singular hand. The bundle hanging dangerously above a perilous drop. 

An infant.

For a moment Odysseus looked as if he might retract his hand and bring the baby back to his arms, but in this moment you had a second of clarity.

“This mere infant will grow into an avenger,” a voice spoke, clear as a running stream inside your head. While what it spoke of was so serious, the mysterious voice was followed up by a fit of giggles. “You must choose: kill the infant and save your friend, or don’t act and watch your king die. Consider carefully!” Then one last laugh and the voice in your head was gone.

You repositioned your bow, your fingernails digging into your palm as you aimed your arrow at the bundle, at the thin piece of fabric that Odysseus was dangling over a fatal drop.

“Y/N?” Polites asked. “What are you doing?”

Your only response was a soft whisper, “I’m sorry.” And then you shot.

Your arrow found its mark, tearing into the cloth that connected the swaddle to Odysseus’s hand. 

You watched the infant fall, faster and faster until it met the ground. Your heart fell with it as you dropped your bow and clutched your head.

“Y/N?” You faintly heard Polites’s voice. He was right next to you, wasn’t he? Why did it seem like he was calling from so far away?

“You can’t break now,” the voice from before entered your thoughts once more, without permission again. “You have to get up. Your friends still need you. The war may be over, but it’s not over for you. Get up.” Then, like the first time, the voice dissolved into obnoxious laughter.

[itsabouttimex2]

What do you think would make Odysseus a yandere?

I think it would happen right after he drops Scamandrius from the walls of Troy.

That little baby, already so loved that he had inspired a nickname from his father, his people- “Astyanax”, detailing what he; as the firstborn son of Troy’s heir apparent, was set to become- king, ruler, overlord.

And Odysseus kills him.

Not because he wants to, but because he is, at the end of the day, just a man. A selfish man who loves himself and his soldiers and his home, but not nearly as much as he loves his son and his wife.

The only thing that breaks him from the harrowing thought that a like-minded man might be doing the same thing to his own son miles away is a broken wail cutting through somber silence.

Odysseus turns, feet heavier than his heart, hesitant to see not what, but who he already knows is behind him.

Andromache running towards him. He sees her, wrapped in loose white robes, arms held close to her chest, tears running down her face, closer and closer to him- barefoot and broken.

And realizes that she’s not coming at him, not coming for revenge or catharsis or some measure of score-settling, but instead she’s headed for the rim of the stone wall that her son was dropped from, intending to plunge the same misty heights and fade into the swallowing vale below.

She leaps in a blitz of white silk, looking so much like an angel descending that Odysseus nearly misses his chance to reach for her in a sort of awe- though her enthralling beauty pales in comparison to his Penelope, it spurs him to try and catch the grieving wife, mother, queen.

The Itchacan king reaches for her hands and snags a bundle of white instead, accidentally tearing it from her grasp and leaving her to plummet without whatever had been so dear that she would take it to the grave held against her heart.

And after the shock has worn off, after his soldiers have moved from wide-eyed gasping and into solemnly shaking their heads at the waste of good life, after Polites calls for him to please come down and come back to the ship, Odysseus takes a moment to unwrap that little bundle with a heavy heart.

Another child, even younger than the first, blissfully asleep in spite of the carnage and ruin around them.

This time, there’s no god or soothsayer or prophet to chime in his ear an order or command, leaving Odysseus on the edge of a very welcoming ledge, contemplating his decisions as the soldiers below grow anxious at the grief in their captain’s eyes.

Polites coaxes him down again, this time even more gently, so the king wraps you back up and heads for the stairs.

His second-in-command waits for him at the beach, having paid last respects to both Andromache and her beloved son, both wrapped in a tattered sail and covered in rocks to keep all but the most determined of predators away- he and his brothers-in-arms did what they could, and even now spill wine in the sand around them.

It’s not much, but they did their best. That’s all any man can do in this situation.

Eurylochus doesn’t like the haunted look in his captain’s eyes, how his fingers twitch around the bundle of cloth, how he can’t bear to look at the impromptu grave of two innocent souls.

Nobody does.

But the deed is done, the blood is spilled, and dawn breaks soon. There’s no time for questions, no time for further delays. Home is waiting.

Six hundred families are waiting for six hundred tired soldiers, hoping to welcome them with open arms and settle for boring times.

So there’s no hesitating or comprehending or deciding. The bundle doesn’t protest, and neither do his men. No one questions the impromptu addition to the crew.

A living reminder of all the children they orphaned, even if indirectly. Bringing you along is a form of penance that none confess to wanting.

Odysseus holds the infant close as he returns to the ship, wood creaking under the boots of soldiers boarding in lockstep, heavy as his conscience and heart.

…he’ll need to think of a name for you.

[very-gay-poet]

okay but like when Eurylochus said "but we'll die" in thunder bringer he wasn't begging for life (he said it himself, for a while now has he not believed they'd get home so that's why he's done what he's done, he hasn't explicitly said he wants to die but its pretty clear he doesn't mind dying at this point) or trying to reason with Odysseus because he knew exactly who Odysseus was going to choose. If he was going to die, he wanted to hear Odysseus admit that he was about to kill his entire crew on purpose with full knowledge. I draw to this conclusion from Mutiny:

"Tell me you did not know that would happen/ Tell me you didn't know how that would end"

he was making sure that Ody admitted that he has thought this through, and knows what the consequences of his actions are gonna be. no lying to anymore Gods on why he did what he did, no lying to Eurylochus's waiting wife that "he had no choice", because he has. He just doesn't like the fact he can chose.

With Poseidon killing his crew, he could argue that he had nothing to do with it, that he didn't know that it would happen and I think Eurylochus being the first person to talk in Mutiny and to say that, suggests that its what Odysseus had told the remainder of the crew after Poseidon. He had no idea that it would happen (didn't know that the Cyclops was a kid of Poseidon and telling his name and letting him live would doom the crew) and had no idea how it could've ended (Poseidon killing the crew in result) all to protect Odysseus's conscience.

Same with the infant, it wasn't much of a choice, let the baby live and protect his conscience, or doom his entire kingdom, crew and future. He could've argued that he was taking orders from Zeus and that he couldn't ignore the king of the gods. Just a Man is literally that. He's just a man, he's not a god, just taking orders from one, he had no power in this situation and didn't get a choice.

But now he has. and Eurylochus is going to make him admit it so everyone knows, so that Odysseus never forgets that he had a choice.

and Odysseus grants that wish, it isn't a coincidence that that's Eurylochus's last words, in his life and in the show, in Odysseus granting him his wish, he can finally die in peace. And Odysseus grants the wish because he is looking right at them as they die, he sees the light leave their eyes; he can't lie about this one and he won't. That's the last thing Eurylochus ever said to him, and the guilt would eat him alive if he lied about what happened.

No protecting your conscience now Ody, about time you took accountability for all the deaths that happened on this journey.

[sniffle-bird]

actually no i’m not done talking about eurylochus how does nobody understand what he’s getting at in ‘mutiny’.

i’ve seen people call him a hypocrite for being upset at odysseus for sacrificing the crew when he tried to leave the men at circe’s island but that is just. so wrong. giving up on rescuing men from the hands of a very dangerous sorceress and goddess in order to save the rest of the crew is not comparable to odysseus willingly leading six men to their deaths without their knowledge.

that’s not even what he’s upset about. he’s not mad they sacrificed the men (well. he is. but that’s not his main argument) he’s mad because ody picked that route so easily. which is why he brings up all the other things they’ve faced, e.g., the cyclops, (“you were quick to hatch a plan”) and circe, (“it was you who left behind no man”). which is why he literally begs ody to lie to him and tell him he had no idea how going through scylla’s lair would go.

“tell me you did not know that would happen, tell me you didn’t know how that would end.”

“use your wits to tell me that i’m crazy and mad, that this is all a trick the gods have sent.”

“tell me you did not miss home so painfully bad that you gave up the lives of six of our friends.”

and odysseus, who is usually very chatty in all other songs, is dead quiet, which eurylochus comments on in ‘scylla’. eury makes no attempt to usurp him until ody tells him he can’t say that he was clueless or mislead and that he knew exactly what he was doing, which is when he says, “then you have forced my hand.”

eurylochus’s mutiny is not a power hungry act, it’s something he was quite literally forced into in order to keep the crew safe. ody just showed that he was willing to sacrifice members of the crew for the sake of getting home, and eurylochus has to protect them.

to him, he has tried and failed to reel odysseus in time and time again, first with the lotus eaters, trying to discourage them from going/deciding to just raid the place. if they had, they likely wouldn’t have spoken to the lotus eaters and they wouldn’t have gone to the cyclops cave. polites would be alive, athena would still be with them. there are many other examples of this but i’m trying (and failing) to keep this post on the shorter side. ody is a wild card they can’t afford to keep playing when they get into a crisis. the crew specifically sings, “now the time has come to shut you down.” the entirety of mutiny is like a fat intervention for ody’s spiralling into the “monster” he thinks he has to be to get home.

then of course there’s the whole thing with him killing the cows, blah blah, i covered it in my other long ass eurylochus defence post, but i’ve seen so many people give eury shit for calling odysseus “captain” again after they get into trouble and it’s just so. shallow. their view of eurylochus is so shallow.

i’ve spoken about this before but there’s a very interesting manner in which eurylochus refers to odysseus. he calls him “captain,” but also “ody,” and his brother/his friend. it’s not like polites, where he switches from calling odysseus the captain and also his friend when they’re alone. eurylochus switches almost sporadically. times where it would be appropriate to call odysseus his captain, he calls him ody/brother/friend. times where it would be appropriate for a less formal title like his nickname/something more affectionate like his brother or his friend, he calls him captain. it’s like he doesn’t know where he and odysseus stand. his view of him is constantly shifting and changing.

so obviously, when odysseus sounds so distressed after he kills the cow and suddenly leaps back into his leadership role eurylochus would also subconsciously slip back into his role as his second? his ‘captain’ doesn’t really sound that scared to me, either, more… confused? concerned? slowly realising he’s fucked, yes, but more in a ‘regretting jumping off a building the second you step off’ way. not in a ‘omg how could this happen pls save us captain’ way.

he doesn’t know wtf is going on. he was expecting to kill the cow, get a good meal for his remaining crew, and then get smited. instead he has his captain screaming at him, thunder clouds rolling in immediately, all this shit happening, of course he would call for his friend. it’s not even a call for him!! it’s a response!!! to ody screaming that they’re doomed! “you’ve doomed us all!!” “captain?” like omfg

eurylochus is NOT looking for odysseus to save him or pull him out of his mess. he was just confused and obviously kind of spooked. and the title is a whole other issue that i could honestly write an essay about (or a fic. it’ll probably be the fic.)

[weareallgonnaliveforawhile]

In an AU where Astyanx lives, Eurylochus would have a much bigger role in taking care of him than people think.

Personally?

Eurylochus is the second in command on a ship that's full of men doing their best to go home. That is to say, Odysseus would be very busy whether he wanted to be or not. In an au where Astyanax's identity is being hidden, then there's the thing of Ody can NOT be hiding in his room constantly raising this kid because if he is, then the rest of the men don't know where the fuck he is. If his identity isn't being hidden, then it'll still fall to Eury to do a decent amount of child rearing as one of the people Ody trusts most in the world.

After the ocean saga, I imagine Eury tries to make up for the fact he nearly got all of the men killed and latches onto Astyanax a bit tighter. Him being willing to leave behind the pig men on Circe's island was him being like 'Yeah, I don't think it's possible to save them, let's get the fuck out of here' just like in canon with the only change being him tightly clutching onto Astyanax while this is happening.

If Astyanax was somehow turned into a pig then I imagine during the entire conversation Eury is holding onto this tiny piglet for dear life and treating any stray animal or plant for that matter as if it's gonna kill the baby.

Narratively?

Eurylochus is the voice of the crew and the representation of Odysseus's humanity. He's willing to sacrifice men at the start when Ody isn't and that's something that swaps further into the musical (I will go on a whole rant about Eury being Odysseus's humanity, the thing that makes him human). All of this is to say that as Odysseus gets crueler with his morals, Eurylochus gets kinder. Where he'd once be fine with sacrificing someone else if it meant more got to live, he becomes aghast at the thought of killing one of the men that's fought so long to go home.

This is seen in his treatment of Astyanx. If he was brash to the kid at first, he becomes softer, caring. Maybe he sits with him and tells him stories of the war. When Odysseus is charting out his maps or having an episode (which is to be expected on a ship full of war veterans), he sits beside Astyanx. Maybe they talk and maybe they don't. But it's VERY important that they get closer. Close enough that on a ship where traditional family dynamics get skewed very fast, since it's entirely full of traumatized middle-aged men who have questionable ideas on how to interact with kids, Eurylochus becomes almost a second dad of sorts. It takes a village, after all, and some villagers get closer to the child than others.

During Mutiny, Eurylochus is the voice of the crew. And the crew is starving. Not just hungry, but a true type of starving that eats at your stomach and blurs your vision until you know nothing but the desperation of needing to eat. It'd be worse than in canon. Eurylochus would give any last rations he had to Astyanax. Not just because he'd do that as a person at this time. But because it'd parallel Odysseus in a sense. Ody let other people hurt so he could get home, so he could live (not saying this is a bad thing, just saying this is what he did) and Eurylochus let someone else take something they needed despite the fact that he would hurt, that if he didn't eat the ration he might not get home (at least to his hunger ailed brain). So yeah, I don't imagine Astyanax would be visible for Mutiny because Eury would've had him tucked away somewhere. Why force the boy to watch his uncle father Eurylochus betray his father?

Either way, long story short, Eurylochus would be a central part in Astyanax's life. From a reluctant uncle, to a protective uncle to a peusdo second father to a ghost, he is a very important figure in Astyanax's life that can't be underestimated.

[scribescrawls]

"How much longer must we suffer now? (Reconsider) How much longer must we push through doubt? (We can get home) How much longer must we go about (Eurylochus) Our lives like this when people die like this?"

(The quotes in the sketch and above are from the song "Mutiny" from EPIC: The Musical by Jorge Rivera-Herrans)

I heard Starscream had another friend in a different continuity, what if TFOne Starscream also had his own Genvo too, but he died during those 50 cycles when they were being hunted down. I like to headcanon TFOne Starscream used to be a scientist before but decided to join the High Guard when the war with the Quintessons got more serious. Imagine Starscream decided to join the High Guard first and his friend decided to follow him when he heard Star was enlisting, but only one of them makes it back alive.

I think about how hopeless and desperate the High Guard's situation was throughout the 50 cycles with no end in sight as energon stopped flowing probably going hungry, they were being hunted down by Quintessons/Sentinel, their strongest leaders/comrades in arms were killed in front of them, betrayed, and trying to survive on the surface's dangerous landscape. I think as time passed many gave up hope or resigned themselves that they would never see home again giving into despair after cycles of suffering. Starscream probably feels the same way and feels pretty hopeless about their situation too. But as the leader Starscream probably knows he does not get the luxury of expressing those doubts without sending everyone else spiraling so even if he feels hopelessness about their situation he has to pretend he is okay and put on a front that he knows what he is doing and that they will succeed in taking down Sentinel one day to get them to survive another day.

There's a line in one of my favorite book series (Animorphs) where one of the characters reflects that "A leader has to give people hope. Even when he doesn't have much himself" and I think Starscream knew this. But it is a very lonely way of living being leader in such a hopeless situation as others can at least potentially express doubts about things or commiserate with each other, but as leader you cannot do that without affecting those under your command. I think some part of him subconsciously adopts the mindset that to an extent, on an emotional level, to be a leader is to be alone. And every decision you make holds the burden of potentially getting your troops/friends killed, but someone has to make the hard decisions even if some decisions are ruthless as you weigh the lives of those you may consider friends to keep as many people alive.

I was inspired to sketch this when I was listening to the song lol, I linked it down below in case anyone wants to hear it :D

[heyyallitssatan]

Ok so, I want a warrior Penelope au, but Odysseus is still a warrior

Odysseus, student of Athena, warrior of the mind, foretold to changes the tides of mankind and the divine

Penelope, students of Ares, warrior of the heart, foretold to change the battles of men and gods alike

Together they will revolutionise war and fighting and ruling, they will change the world, warriors of the heart and mind

So I thought maybe Penelope would go with him to Troy, but then I realised that ruins everything, so instead she still stays behind with their newborn son and Odysseus promises to return before the boy even knows he’s gone

He doesn’t

So warrior Penelope had a choice to make, she can stay with her son, raise him and rule the kingdom (the people can complain all they want, who’s gonna stop her), and then when the suitors arrive instead of proposing the never ending weaving thing, she tells them whoever can best her in battle will win her hand (because she knows that only one man ever will) also, Telemachus becomes a warrior of both the heart and mind, taking the best strategic parts of Odysseus and the strongest parts of Penelope, becoming a warrior unrivalled by all but god kin, so when Odysseus does return home there are no suitors to kill, but she does make him best her in battle, they tie and she knows it’s really him and they live happily ever after (also Eurylochus doesn’t open the wind bag, they still get detoured either by someone else doing it or by some godly shenanigans, but those bitches do it together, Odysseus will return with most of his men in tow) (also also, he’s not a dumb fuck and doesn’t I cure the wrath of Poseidon, because he either kills Polyphemus or doesn’t tell him his name, they incur his wrath a different way that really just amounts to Poseidon being pissy and taking it out on the first human he finds)

Or, equally good, she sets out on her own venture to find her husband, her crew is fairly small in number, mostly warrior wives (because fuck you I do what I want there’s a coalition of warrior women in Ithaca now) including her right hand Ctimene, and her son Telemachus (she leaves the kingdom in the charge of someone she trusts I don’t care who right now), she starts searching for her husband, this leads to some absolute bullshit where through godly shenanigans and just generally shit terrible luck they keep missing each other just barely, but they’re too stubborn to go home so round and round they go, several years later they both manage themselves to the same island, so they’re together, but more shenanigans and it’s still several years more before they’re home to Ithaca, only to discover that in the mean time they’ve been declared dead and their kingdom’s been stolen, so the three of them literally fight their way to the throne and reclaim it

I like both models, I think both are nice

[ryoko1232]

Background, english is not my native language, i never promised something good, all I said is I wanted to write

i lost motivation but have it I guess? I might redo it's a bit bad

Chap 2/2

(Also got no beta readers, this is RAW)

This is like chap 1/2

Unoriginal Idea : what if Polites and Odysseus ate the lotus fruit?

Slight NSFW (dw the smut is in chap 2 if i ever write it)

@jugganautism you wanted to see it here it is

1051 words (was losing motivation sorry)

“Here you go!” The lotus eater pushed fruit to their feet and Polites’s eyes lit up. “See? This life is amazing when we greet it with open arms!” Both Polites and Odysseus bit into the fruit as the Lotus eating creatures sang with Polites. “Whatever we face, we'll be fine if were leading from the heart!” Polites hugged Odysseus as he continued singing. “No matter the place, we can light up the world here's how to start!” Polites smiled as he looked Odysseus in the eyes. “Greet the world with open arms, greet the world with open arms!” Both men sang in unison.

They took a bunch of Lotus fruit, thanking the Lotus eaters as they left. Though after a few minutes, they fell, their heads were dizzy as they went unconscious. Waking up an hour later their minds were relaxed and… empty. “Ody!” Polites hugged Odysseus, kissing him on the neck and nuzzling him. Odysseus couldn't think any thoughts, it was so hard to think, but… why think when there was a pretty boy right infront of him.

Odysseus grabbed Polites’s face and started kissing it, guiding his tongue deep in his mouth. Polites almost started choking if they hadn't pulled apart, though, he was quick getting on top of Odysseus. They were very sticky since they fell on top of the Lotus fruit, that caused Polites's top to fall leaving his chest bare.

Odysseus quickly started to lick the fruit’s jam(?) off of Polites's peck. Feeling Ody’s tongue playing with his nipples made him whimper, he gasped when he started sucking. Moans could be heard as Polites slowly hump Ody, he started to warrant blood in his mouth due to the Lotus, but he felt too good to care. When Ody bit down, it caused Polites to jump away. Ody immediately went back onto Polites, kissing him once more. As they passionately made out, the crew wondered where they were.

“It's only hours away from sunrise, I should go look for them” Eurylochus announced, “disobeying captain? Really?” Perimedes replied. “Captain said to wait for him, it might be dangerous” Elpenor said behind Perimedes, causes him to respond with, “Obviously, its dangerous!”. “Ody is like a brother I cannot live without, knowing I could've save him from death is a worse pain then never going home” Eurylochus reasoned, Perimedes only tsked, “this is why you shouldn't have connections, you're getting yourself killed!”. “For the lives of my friends!” Eurylochus said, “As second to command you have no right to talk back, if I am not back when the sun directly above you, you have my permission to burn the island” he commanded the crew.

“If you don't return who will be the next captain?” Perimedes lit up, “I would suggest votings, though if Choosing one was obligated, my vote goes out to Menelaus” Eurylochus’s words caused an argument among the crew while he left, he heard Agamemnon shout “I SHOULD BE CAPTAIN, OBVIOUSLY!”.

Ody and Polites were cuddling up, Polites was nuzzling, kissing and lightly sucking Ody’s neck as he held him tight. They were surrounded by crushed Lotus fruit, a bit of blood stains from Ody’s bite and from a few scraps they got from rustling around in the grass. When Eurylochus found them he was horrified, “ODY! POLI! ARE YOU TWO OKAY??” He immediately went to their side.

“Eury!” Polites smiled and pulled him into the hug, Eurylochus sat up, and made sure the two followed. “What happened?” He asked, “Oh! Uhhhh… I don't know” Odysseus shrugged, Eury was scared that a witch had erased his memories. “Eury you should have some food!” Polites offered some Lotus fruit to Eury and he knew what happened. “Ody, Poli, please tell me you did not eat that” “why?” “Ody, look at the way the fruit is glowing and filled with glowing seeds” the gestured to the fruit in his hands “ it's a Lotus, it controls your minds and… never… lets you… leave…” Eurylochus realized what he was saying. Odysseus and Polites couldn't leave the spell of the fruit, they’re trapped.

No no no no no, he couldn't lose his friends… there- there has to be something they can do. “Ody, Poli, follow me” Eurylochus said though the two men showed no rush in getting up. “Why? Come on it's so relaxing here!” Polites smiled, leaning into Odysseus. Eurylochus needed to get going before their men lit the island up, so in desperation he picked both of them up and carried them to the ship. The crew was very surprised to see them. “Woah, what happened?” Menelaus asked, tears already prickling his eyes Eurylochus said “Th-they ate Lotus fruit! They're minds are trapped!”. “Lotus fruit…” the crew echoed, “told you they were gonna-” Elpenor shoved Peremides to stop him from continuing.

“Oh gods what am I gonna do-- how does one even undo a lotuses magic?? do we wait for it to wash off?? oh dear-” Eurylochus was panicking, while he was panicking Ody and Poli was back to making out. “WOULD YOU TWO STOP MAKING OUT SO LOUD I'M TRYING TO THINK HERE!” Eurylochus snapped at them. “Captain.. what's the funny man saying there?” Poli asked resting his head on Ody’s shoulder. “I’unno but I don't like his tone” Ody replied looking at Eurylochus.

Eurylochus couldn't care less, he was so worried that his friends were trapped like that, the he would have to explain to his sister in law, mother in law, and wife that Ody was like… THAT. Not to mention how devastated Polites’s family would be. The haven't left the island as they tried to hatch a plan, before someone pipes up “why don't we just lock them in the captain cabin”. “And what good would that do exactly?” Another asked, “Buddy, look at them” the first replied gesturing at the two men who were making out. Ody hd his hands on Polites's hips, guiding him back and forth as he deepens their kiss.

“Yup throw them in the cabin” Perimedes says already grabbing Polites off Odysseus, Elpenor followed with Odysseus.

[yescallmejosey]

something something being blessed by greeks gods

Decided to make an entire au based on the many different takes of the gods blessing different characters. By the way this is just me throwing ideas so it might be a bit...ooc.

Also this is going to be a long post so bear with me

PENELOPE

Ever since the Troyan war, Hera has made sure that Penelope's mental state does not deteriorate. She has blessed the woman with dreams of her husband, dreams of hope and reuniting him with her once again. On nights where Penelope cant sleep, Hera offers her the comfort of drowsiness and dreamless sleep. There are times in which Penelope cannot move or get out of bed or moments in which she can only look at the horizon, hoping that in the distance Odysseus's boat would become visible. And in those moments Hera speaks words in Telemachus's ears disguised as his own thoughts. They tell him to check on his mother and comfort her if that is what she needs.

But when the suitors came, Hera knew things would be so different. So she whispered words in Penelope's dreams with the voice of her husband, telling her to set The Challenge up in case of emergency. She couldnt help but to be proud of Penelope when she came up with the idea of tricking the men with her weaving.

She does small actions, hiding the weapons of the suitors in corners of the castle so they cannot reach them and taunt Telemachus. She floods the gardens with peacocks that bite the suitor's ankles and mess up their feasts. She grants Penelope swift thinking and steps when she does not want the suitors to be near her, or shuts doors on their faces.

There is not much Hera can do, not much that makes her husband realize she is favoring Penelope at least. She wishes she could reveal herself to the queen of Ithaca, offer her comfort and reassure her that her husband lives and that he is trying to get back home to her, but she cannot.

Penelope is the queen of Ithaca, loyal to her husband until her death. Hera is the queen of the gods, loyal to her husband for all eternity.

In a way, they are the same.

Except she can help Penelope to get the happy ending she always deserved

CTIMENE

I would be lying if I said i wasnt torn between making Hephaestus or Ares as Ctimene's partron gods. The truth is that they both fit.

Ares would understand the rage in Ctimene's heart, the jelousy that fills her mind. He is also the shadow of his sister, of Zeus's favorite child. He would teach Ctimene how to control her anger through fighting, the spear that collected dust could now have a purpose. She would leave behind her vases, never touching clay again before becoming a guard for the king of the Same.

Murder and bloodshed would be her first choice

Ruthlessness will not get her heart broken

Hephaestus would also understand her bitterness. The gods of Olympus treat him as something less than them just because he did not held beauty or because of his missing leg. He was disabled, but that did not mean he was useless. Creativity is his weapon, his out of the scarring feelings he held. He would reach to Ctimene to show her that her vases could be something wonderful, that she could do so much more. Learning about weapons and their weaknesses, learning how to make a rope dart with the magnents that the Seme gathered.

Her rage would be tamed by the abilities of her mind.

EURYLOCHUS

Eurylochus cares for those he loves and will fight for them if needed. We know he cares for the crew, their well being always being first for him. We know Aphrodite has a war side, Aphrodite Areia and that she is just as ruthless as a warrior to protect those she loves.

He would be her chosen one, and she bless him in so many different ways. The rush of adrenaline he feels when he thinks about Ctimene in the battle, the anger of the betrayal after Scylla.

His love for Ctimene fuels Aphrodite's caring nature, reminding her of her and her godly lover. Eurylohus and Ctimene are what Ares and Aphrodite could never be, happily married. The Olympians would frown upon that.

So she guides him, protects him as much as she can. Though her blessings sometimes are beyond needed. The art of seduction on a very a awkward does not turn out well and neither does the urges of the goddess to make him trick others in acts of lust.

Although

She is a good sex therapist and she does offer him good stamina when he and Ctimene have sex

I think I might write about that if you guys are interested

[averagecontentenjoyer121]

Ships I’ve seen on my FYP since I’ve started posting about Epic the Musical, also I’ve learned how to color text after 8 months of having Tumblr.

Canon:

Odysseus x Penlope

Eurylochus x ctimene

Telemachus x Nausicaa: I think that’s it

Calypso x Odysseus: put this because, kinda, and I don’t remember the context for the post just remember seeing

Circe X Odysseus

Ares X Aphrodite

Perimedes X Elpenor

Crack ships:

Odysseus x Poseidon x Zeus: this is completely my fault one of my friends told me about @anniflamma’s "manwhore au" and I though, "There's no way this is real," only now to be living the akira meme whenever pops up on my FYP

Antinious x Calypso: first saw this on @irunaki’s blog, but the supports do make a good argument for it. Quote, “they match each other’s freak.” Can’t argue with that

Diomedes x Odysseus: Idk how this started or who first subjected me to this, but I know why I’ve seen it. I made ONE, say it again ONE post with Diomedes and Odysseus hanging out as friends and the algorithm said, “you wanna see them kiss don’t you.” Either way pop off I guess and have fun DioXOdy fans out there.

Polites X Odysseus: once again kinda makes sense, or atleast I can see how this started, because the song cut song Your Light 100% gives of gay vibes

Hermes X Odysseus: I think I’ve see like one post regarding this, but still.

Artemis X Aeolus: Once again Don’t know who started this one but I remember first seeing this on @irunaki’s blog. Also, one of my favorite pieces of art comes from @sloanslone because it’s so cute.

Aeolus X Hermes: Don’t remember if this is an actual ship or not but it does have a ship name. Coming from another banger piece art by @sloanslone there relationship is called Cinnamon I believe

I feel like I’ve seen some with Apollo X someone, but don’t remember.

Siren X Athena: this Banger comes from @coquexari and I absolutely love this one. It’s just been presented in such a cute way that I love it. And the art she’s made for it is also really cute.

Circe X Calypso: Once again first saw this one on @irunaki’s blog, but I will say I haven’t seen it since the wisdom saga came out.

Eurylochus x Ares: by @thequeenofthedisneyverse

Eurylochus x Zeus

Eurylochus x random guy that gets eaten by Scylla: by @calciumyum

Aeolus X Apollo

Telemachus x antinious: It does exist, but I don’t remember where I’ve seen it

Diomedes x Odysseus x Penelope: Hi @wolfythewitch

Also I’ve seen Femboy Telemachus

Gotten Hades (game) ship art

Etc etc.

[insomniaruler]

I’m thinking A G A I N

(Someone needs to put me down like a lame horse)

Once Eurylochus got to the gates of the underworld and the all consuming gnawing in the pit of his stomach had subsided he sat down on the barren rock the final 40 members of the crew wailing around him, cursing Odysseus, cursing him, cursing the god of storms himself. They had not been buried, each dying in the roaring blast of heat and pain before darkness. No passage would be granted.

But Eurylochus was silent. All he could see was Odysseus, his friend, captain and brother. All he could hear was Odysseus pleading with the gods themselves, they could not need make him choose between himself or his crew. Eurylochus cradled his trembling hands, thinking back to the last conscious moments before hunger had taken his mind and soul.

Ody was right if Eurylochus had been given the chance to see home again, to see the shores of Ithaca, to taste fresh fruit, to hold his dearest Citmene just once more. Eurylochus would have taken it, anything.

The worst part is that he knew in his heart of hearts where only The goddess of love could see he had been the one to ruin their chance of going home only a year after the war when he was enraptured by the little bag Odysseus so guarded.

It was him who lead them too disaster after disaster. What would Odysseus his own sister about Eury’s death? Would he tell her the truth or refuse to answer, maybe tell her he died like a dog? Realistically Eurylochus knew Odysseus would not lie to his sister, he couldn’t. Citmene would see through it, she too was blessed by The goddess of wisdom and a descendant of the God of Trickery. His eyes grew heavy as the ferryman approached for the souls who’d been properly buried.

Looking down he sighed, translucent. Not whole, he’d never be because he was stuck on the other side. Perhaps this would be best, Eury hoped to avoid Polities for as long as possible, the man who’d once been one of his closest friends would not forgive him any time soon. Thus he let his eyes close, maybe he’d be absorbed into his misery.

He slept for a long time tucked against a wall of the seemingly endless chamber, cradled by the cold hard stone he felt he deserved. Eurylochus woke to whispers surrounding him, “you Eurylochus of Ithaca?” “You’re holding up the boat!” “Come on get up” “who paid your fare!?”.

Blinking Eurylochus shook off the deep sleep and started in the direction the fading hands had pointed him too. There on a rickety old dock sat an even older and rickety trireme which was packed to the walls with souls, some he recognized some he had forgotten.

As soon as he stepped into the boat it set off across the acrid Styx river. Approaching a face he recognized nudged him. “Who paid for us?” Eurylochus whispered. “The Captain did. He’s going home.” Then the soul spat “Don’ matter to me, when he gets down here I’ll show him exactly what lightning does to you.” The soul spat.

Once they reached the other side Eurylochus shuffled through the wailing masses towards what he hoped was rest, he really hoped he hadn’t pissed of the sun god enough to land himself in the pits of Tartarus.

Shuffling through lines of souls Eurylochus muttered a whispered prayer. It was all a blur but somehow Eurylochus avoided the pits and now he was walking through a marble, gold and gemstone lined cavern. Was this..? Elysisum? Someone was going to come to him and banish him to the nothingness.

As he walked he his mind flickered with images of the living world. Carefully he wandered, feeling out of place in this hall of heroes. suddenly the world flipped around and standing above him was a furious Polities, somehow he’d ended up on the floor staring up at the glimmering ceiling.

Then Eurylochus was pinned, a firm fist planted right into his eye. “How DARE you! How dare you.” Polities shouted yanking Eurylochus up by his shirt front. “Polities I-“ Eurylochus whispered as he was getting dragged to a small brazier holding a small fire. For a second he was worried Polities was about to throw him in it. But then he was in a heap on the ground in front of the flame.

In it he saw Odysseus, handing two large bags of coins to a ghostly figure. “He’s paying your passage, to Hermes. All of you. You- you traitors.” Polities whispered, fuming. “I’m sorry-“ Eury whispered. “I don’t need apologies, I knew you as a brother in arms, I’ve fought with you since childhood. Just like Odysseus. You’re a traitor to our oath.” Polities said, his glasses were whole again, Eurylochus had stowed Polities’ shattered wire frames in his breast sachet.

“Is- is Citmene okay?” This had been the one thought plaguing him since he crossed the Styx. “She’s fine, she won’t be when she finds out her husband was killed by The king of the gods himself.” Polities spat, he let Eurylochus up and eventually they found themselves watching as Odysseus smiled for the first time in years as he saw his home on the horizon.

“He’s doing it. He’s made it home.” Polities whispered in awe. “But what of the palace something is wrong.” Eurylochus muttered slipping into his old roll with ease. “Shh Let me bask for a little bit Eury.” Polities shushed him.

Thus they watched their Brother go home. Too where they could never return. Eurylochus saw Citmene sitting near a pillar looking out at the sea, she kissed her ring. Polities had to stop him from leaning so far he’d fall into the fire. “Oh Argos.” Polities muttered as the faithful companion went still. Eurylochus cried when Citimene sobbed openly over his armour, saved from wreckage after wreckage by Odysseus.

[blessedbyahuntress]

Blessed by a Trickster

Chapter Three: My King Almost Decapitates a Cute, Fuzzy, Helpful Little Thing

Prev/Next

Warnings: None, really

Word Count: 1.31k

Listen to: Open Arms

You scowled and huffed in annoyance, pushing the plant life out of your path.

You tripped over a tree root, and before you could fall unceremoniously to the dusty ground, Polites reached out and grabbed the straps of your armor to steady you.

“Thanks,” you said grudgingly. Polites’s hand was still on the straps of your armor, and you gave him a grin. “You can let go now.”

“Oh.” Polites felt heat rising to his cheeks as he quickly released his grip. He thanked the gods that he had his helmet so you couldn’t see his flushed face. Little did he know that you were blushing as well.

The second time you tripped, Polites stopped you before you could fall again. He seemed to be hovering, making sure you didn’t hurt yourself.

This time, when you straightened, you ended up nose to nose with your friend. You felt your heart beat faster and your eyes widened slightly.

Polites took a step back and took the hand he had been using to grasp your shoulder with him. Only then did he realize that you had been as stiff as a board.

Odysseus glanced at the two blushing messes behind him over his shoulder. “I don’t know if this has occurred to you two lovebirds,” he grumped. “But we need to find enough food to feed six hundred men. We don’t have time to waste.”

Polites watched as you ran to catch up with the captain and sighed, moving after you, just more slowly.

“You can relax, my friends,” he said.

“Huh?” Odysseus asked, looking back at Polites.

“I can tell you’re getting nervous, so do yourself a service. And try to relax, my friends.” Polites pushed his glasses to the bridge of his nose as you all pushed further into the dense forest.

“I’m fine, Polites,” you tried to assure him.

But he continued, “think of all that we have been through. We’ll survive what we get into.”

Odysseus led you into a clearing with a running stream snaking through it, and as you crouched to refill Eurylochus’s flask, Polites plopped himself down beside you, Odysseus on your other side, sharpening his blade.

“I know you’re tired of the war and bloodshed. Tell me, is this how we’re supposed to live? Look at how you grip your sword, enough said. Why should we take when we could give?”

You realized that Polites had a vague outline of a point, but that wasn’t quite enough to get you to relax. Neither did Odysseus, who was still gripping his sword so hard his knuckles were turning white.

“You can show a person that you trust them.” Polites nudged your shoulder with his, letting you know that his next words were meant mostly for you. “When you stop and lower your guard. Here we have a chance for some adjustment. Give it a try, it’s not that hard.”

He stood and offered you his hand, eyes staring deep into yours. “I’m telling you, this life is amazing, when you greet it with open arms. Whatever we face, we’ll be fine if we’re leading from the heart.”

You considered his words for a moment before grabbing his hand. He hoisted you to your feet, still saying, “No matter the place, we can light up the world. Here's how to start.” He took both of your hands in his and continued, “greet the world with open arms. Greet the world with open arms.”

“Welcome.”

Odysseus instantly shot to his feet, sword still in hand. He pointed it at the speaker, a-

Small, cute, furry, thing?

The innocence of the little thing didn’t seem to deter Odysseus. He kept his sword pointed at the fuzzy animal. “Stay back,” he growled.

“Stay back,” the animal repeated. The forest behind it rustled, and more of the little creatures, looking almost identical to the first one, peeked out.

“My friend,” Polites said, placing a gentle hand on Odysseus’s sword, making it point lower. “Greet the world with open arms.”

“We’re only here for food,” Odysseus announced, shaking off Polites.

“Food,” the animals echoed.

“Six hundred friends are waiting for us to show our faces,” Odysseus claimed.

“Food,” the little creatures said again.

“Stay back, I’m warning you.” The captain positioned you behind Polites, earning him a glare from both of you.

“Food.”

“If we don’t get back safely, my men will turn this place into blazes,” Odysseus threatened.

The first fuzzy animal held out a bowl filled with purple fruit, looking up at you with mesmerizing eyes. “Here you go.”

You stepped out from behind Polities, watching his face light up as he took the bowl. “See?” He said, turning to you and Odysseus. “This life is amazing when you greet it with open arms. Whatever we face, we'll be fine if we're leading from the heart. No matter the place, we can light up the world. Here's how to start.” He tossed a fruit to you and you inspected it carefully.

Polites watched you eagerly as you split open the fruit. “Greet the world with open arms,” he said again. “Greet the world with… open arms…” You echoed.

It was worth it to see his smile brighten even more, but Odysseus took one half of the fruit from your hands and studied it. You watched his face darken with realization.

“My friend, I wish that I could say that I agree. But look at the way this fruit is glowing

and filled with glowing seeds. It took me a while to notice just what kind of fruit they eat. It's a lotus, it controls your mind and never lets you free.” Your own expression turned rather dark as Odysseus shoved his half of the fruit into Polites’s hands, much harsher than necessary.

“That’s what we’d get with open arms,” the captain snarled, stalking away.

You put a reassuring hand on Polites’s shoulder and squeezed slightly until he looked up at you. 

“Hey,” you said gently. “Maybe there’s… another option?”

Polites’s eyes lit up at the prospect and you smiled in return. He turned to the lotus eaters and opened his mouth, but you beat him to it.

“Lotus eaters,” you began. “We appreciate your kindness, and we apologize for our captain’s rudeness. He’s under a lot of stress at the moment.” You gestured to where Odysseus was sulking. 

Polites stepped forward. “Lotus eaters, we’d like to show our friend that kindness is brave. Could you tell us where there’s other food to eat?”

The Lotus Eaters looked up at you, and the lead one motioned for you to approach. 

You knelt down to its height and it whispered in your ear, “scary cave.”

Your eyes widened slightly. “Scary?” You asked slowly.

“Scary,” the Lotus Eater repeated in a solemn tone before stepping away.

“And where do we sail to find this food-filled cave?” You questioned.

“East. That way.” The Lotus Eaters all pointed in one direction in unison, the direction which you think you can safely assume is east.

“Thank you,” you said.

“Welcome,” they responded.

Polites grabbed your hand and led you to where Odysseus stood, much like he had done earlier on the ship. 

He spun you around, laughing. “This life is amazing when you greet it with open arms.” Polites’s attention turned to Odysseus. “I see in your face, there is so much guilt inside your heart.” You came to a stop, arm slung over Polites’s shoulders as he continued speaking softly to the captain. “So why not replace it and light up the world? Here’s how to start.”

He offered Odysseus a new lotus fruit. “Greet the world with open arms. Greet the world with open arms.”

You could barely hear it, but you could’ve sworn you heard Odysseus say, “greet the world with open arms.”

Polites smiled at you. “You can relax, my friends.”

[xfilesinamajor]

AGAMEMNON: Hey bro, everything okay? You look like someone pissed in your cheerios.

MENELAUS: No, it's fucking not okay! Helen just ran off with some little man-whore from Troy! She can't do that to me! He can't do that to me! Who do they think they are? I'm a fucking king of Sparta! I'll rip his head off! I'll kill him! I'll kill his whole family!

AGAMEMNON: Whoa, whoa, take a chill pill! Yeah, that fucking sucks. Total bullshit, I hear you. I'd be mad, too. But dude...Troy? That's all the way across the ocean. It's not exactly a day trip.

MENELAUS: I don't care! He deserves to die for taking what is mine!

AGAMEMNON: And say you make the trip, then what? No one's going to let you in if you stand there at the gates screaming about ripping off heads.

MENELAUS: He took my wife! The most beautiful woman in the world!

AGAMEMNON: I know, I know, Helen's crazy hot. But there are lots of gorgeous women in Greece, and you're Menelaus of Fucking Sparta, bro. You've got girls falling all over themselves for you. Take your pick. Shit, take two or three!

MENELAUS: To wife?

AGAMEMNON: To bed, dude! Your wife ran off on you with little pissant? Her loss! This is your chance to go wild! Forget about fucking Helen.

MENELAUS: ...are you drunk?

AGAMEMNON: Oh, totally, for sure. It's this new stuff from Crete, you gotta try it.

MENELAUS: You're not even taking this seriously!

AGAMEMNON: I'm just saying. Would you rather spend the next couple years sailing and fighting and pitching some giant hissy fit, or would you rather stay here and have some fun?

MENELAUS: ....pass me the wine.

And they all lived happily ever after--Menelaus, Agamemnon, Helen, Paris, Achilles, Patroclus, Hector, Andromache, Astyanax, Odysseus, Penelope, Telemachus, Diomedes, Nestor, Ajax, Teucer, Neo, Cassandra, Iphigenia, Eurylochus, Ctimene, Anticlea, Polites, all the citizens of Troy, Odysseus' whole crew, the sirens, all Penelope's would-be suitors, Helios' cow, Polyphemus and his sheep, EVERYONE.

/FIN