#I think it's because out of all the foxes I like Nicky least

[dtilmnh]

We all know that Neil has two smiles, his "Neil-smile" and his "Nathaniel-smile". I went through the books to see how many times Neil actually smiles, because god knows it's not that many.

His "Nathaniel-smile" pops up a few times, usually when he's around Riko, threatening someone, or daydreaming about his father's gruesome death.

"Are you threatening a federal agent?" Nathaniel smiled so hard his burns ached. "I wouldn't dare."

He smiles his normal or "Neil-smile" a total of eight times through the series. Never in the first book, twice in the second, and six times in the third. Out of these eight, four were towards Andrew, one to Kevin, one to Wymack, one to Nicky, and one to Matt.

Nicky subsided with a lightning-quick grin in Neil's direction. Neil managed a small smile back.

The original point of this post was that Neil really doesn't smile or laugh or anything as much as he does in fanfictions and stuff. Andrew and Neil are not a grumpyxsunshine trope, Neil is not the light to Andrew's darkness, they're both massively fucked up and Neil does his crazy serial killer smile more often than his regular one.

He couldn't sleep, but at least he could daydream his father's death over and over again. That was almost enough to make him smile, and eventually it thawed the chill from his veins.

Anyways, that 𝘸𝘢𝘴 the original point of the post, but now I'm stuck thinking about how cute it is that he literally smiles only eight times throughout the entire series, and 𝘧𝘰𝘶𝘳 of them are to Andrew. It's so fucking cute, especially when you consider the circumstances of the rest of them.

Andrew, who for once hadn't wasted their time denying that this thing between them might actually mean something to both of them. Neil hadn't even noticed the silence at first, too distracted by his dizzying thoughts. Now he couldn't help but smile and pull Andrew in.

He shares a tired smile with Kevin after the first Raven match. He smiles when Wymack picks up the phone when he calls him after he comes back from Evermore. He returns Nicky's grin with a small smile to reassure himself when Riko comes to watch their match against the Longhorns. And he gives Matt a tight smile during the final match against the Ravens.

"Neil?" All the gruff posturing left Wymack's voice; that sharp edge was all alarm. "Are you all right?" Neil smiled. It felt like it tore his face open. "No. No, I'm not. I know it's kind of sudden, but can you come get me? I'm at the airport."

With Andrew, basically every single time is directly 𝘣𝘦𝘤𝘢𝘶𝘴𝘦 of him. Those smiles are some of the only times he actually feels or shows genuine pleasure or happiness, and I just think that's so cute.

It wasn't funny—none of this was—but that response was so obnoxious and so typically Andrew that Neil couldn't help but smile.

Technically he does smile a ninth time, at all of the Foxes, but since that was immediately after and because of Riko's death, I'm tempted to classify it as a "Nathaniel-smile" lmao.

Neil looked from one tired face to the next, soaking them in, reveling in everything they'd accomplished tonight and imagining how they'd react when they heard the news tomorrow. "What's so funny?" Nicky asked when he spotted Neil in the doorway. Neil hadn't realized he was smiling. "Life?"

(Also the word smile no longer feels like a word to me now. I never realised how often Renee smiled until I had to go through every single time any character smiled in the books)

[joejhang]

neil's learned obliviousness

gearing myself up to write another essay about neil josten. the grind never stops. had to figure out why people making neil super clueless and oblivious always rubbed me the wrong way even tho it's technically canon so here it is.

ok so i have a lot of thoughts about neil and obliviousness but i'm gonna mostly condense them into this single thesis statement: neil only pays attention to and notices things he deems important.

we've been knew atp that neil has insane tunnel vision, and that often comes across in his narration. because of this, it's easy to assume that neil is just genuinely very clueless and oblivious when it comes to social interaction and also romantic relationships, flirting, etc.

i know nora herself said that neil wouldn't realise if someone is flirting with him because he's dense as a brick and while i appreciate the comedic value of socially oblivious neil i generally take this characterisation with a grain of salt because it very quickly leans into territory of neil being just generally dumb and inept, which i lowk can't stand because it sanitises and declaws neil a lot and makes him boring and stereotypical.

so i raise you this: neil's obliviousness (if you want to call it that) throughout aftg and in his narration is deliberate. mostly, i think it's all intentional. he literally intentionally refuses to notice or give attention to certain things. and because of his relentless focus on only a couple of things (exy and his survival), things like socialising and relationships get put on the backburner unless they relate to the two aforementioned things.

let's dissect it using examples.

nicky's flirting. neil's narration is pretty clear-cut when it comes to this. he doesn't demonstrate much confusion towards nicky's behaviour except that he doesn't really know why nicky's more interested in him than exy. crucially, he isn't confused about why nicky demonstrates an interest in him (which is because he thinks neil is hot), he's just confused about why nicky is investing energy into flirting with him when, in his mind, there are better things to be doing. it seems, at least in his narration, that he knows nicky is flirting, he just doesn't know why and also doesn't really care to focus on it. aside from an initial discomfort/expression of disinterest, neil doesn't linger on nicky's comments and flirtations for the rest of the series. he narrates it when it's relevant but doesn't make any additional internal comments towards it because it doesn't pertain to his two priorities: exy and survival.

marissa's flirting. i feel like there's two ways to interpret neil's response to marissa's advance "i can give you my number". neil says "what for?" and you can either take this as genuine confusion or just neil kinda being a dick. i lowk never considered the first option and just jumped straight to "neil doesn't really care about hurting this girl's feelings" lmfao. i think i'm right tho, because he elaborates and makes it clear he isn't interested in pursuing relationships outside of the foxes (see: priority no. 1, exy) and when nicky and dan comment on it, making it explicitly clear that marissa was asking neil out, neil doesn't express any confusion over what she was trying to do. people who write neil being genuinely exaggeratedly clueless when being flirted with need to remember that neil wasn't unaware of marissa's intentions during this scene, he was just so aggressively disinterested that he failed to remark on most of it. he never expresses any actual confusion or obliviousness about her flirting.

andrew. ok look. this is gonna require some explaining. first of all let's talk about andrew's attraction to neil on a purely physical level. their nothingship era, if you will. neil's dizzying whiplash during the "that doesn't mean i wouldn't blow you" scene is honestly pretty understandable. like really, who wasn't surprised during that scene? the hints in the previous books about andrew's attraction towards neil were so subtle that most of us readers had to reread a couple times to actually catch the progression and build-up. and also, andrew was high and manic for most of the first two books, so it's understandable that neil probably chalked up a lot of andrew's yapping and odd behaviours to the drugs, rather than a genuine expression of andrew's feelings. that's not to say he discounted the things andrew told him, but since he's always taken andrew at face value, he also didn't doubt andrew's "i hate you" and supposed dislike of him. i think it's actually very very understandable that neil didn't pick up on andrew's attraction to him because 1. why would you ever assume that about anyone anyway 2. neil is pretty preoccupied with being hunted down by his serial killer father and the japanese mafia 3. andrew was NOT making it easy on neil at all. this is partially because andrew himself wasn't ready to face the reality of his feelings for neil and also just his general confusing way of going about things. it makes a lot of sense that even neil, who's generally good at reading andrew and picking up on his hints, would miss whatever hints andrew was dropping about this, if any. and finally, 4. andrew wanting to fuck neil doesn't have anything to do with exy or survival, so neil instinctively filters it out and doesn't think about it a lot. next, i guess we have to talk about andrew's actual feelings for neil. again, we like to make fun of neil for never picking up on the fact that andrew is in LOVE with him during their situationship phase. but again, i think it makes a lot of sense? yes, andrew wasn't exactly subtle about it by a certain point (see: baltimore reunion) but also, neil has literally been pavloved to reject romantic relationships. one of the ways he "justifies" his nothingship with andrew is by assuring himself that andrew is only physically attracted to him. and the other justification is that he sees andrew as intertwined with the idea of his survival, because of the deal they have. keeping andrew close and being in a relationship with him is directly related to his own safety and survival. because neil's lowk manipulated his own thinking to associate andrew implicitly with survival, suddenly their relationship is a lot more prioritised in neil's mind and narration, because it pertains to priority no. 2, survival. i truly, truly believe neil's refusal or inability to see andrew's actual feelings for him is deliberate. he doesn't want to notice that andrew actually is in love with him because that is area he isn't familiar with and he doesn't want to hurt andrew when he dies. but because he obviously does want to continue this little "nothing" with andrew, and because he associates andrew with survival, he's unwilling to let go of him. so he just refuses to notice and remains deliberately oblivious to andrew's feelings for him. it's all very psychological.

final argument: people like to make fun of neil for not realising his own feelings for andrew but listen. he does realise. he never says that he doesn't feel anything for andrew. he never denies being in love with or attracted to andrew, not even in his own head. he registers, literally in trk, after his conversation with nicky, that he sees andrew differently and could be developing feelings for him, but he literally forcibly pushes the thoughts away because they would distract him from priority no. 1 (exy) and priority no. 2 (survival). he also notices in the back half of tkm that their nothingship has taken on new weight and means more than just "nothing" but he avoids acknowledging it with andrew even when he's aware of it in his own mind. so yeah. neil isn't in a state of denial. like at all.

also, neil does notice things when they pertain to his priorities. like, he picked up on jeanee the same way kevin did. he noticed literally in trk the way jean reacted differently to renee, but he only chose to acknowledge and mention it out loud when he could use it to his advantage. and it did work out in everyone's favour, because he brought it up with kevin, kevin gave renee jean's number, and that's how jean was able to escape the nest and survive the year. so, lbr, neil isn't as clueless and out-of-it as the fandom likes to make him. he can be very perceptive and socially aware when it pertains to his narrow-minded priorities.

ok at the end of the day, i can acknowledge: it is not that deep. if ppl want to make neil super oblivious and clueless and socially inept, it's not rlly a big deal. i just personally hate when they dumb neil down when he is honestly such a smart and perceptive character and his intelligence is actually such a huge part of the series. so anyway. i hope u enjoyed this essay, it's been a while so it's a little rough.

[shouts-into-the-void]

Just read screenshots of the Aaron extra chapter and I have so many thoughts, so here they are:

It's always so funny to me to be reminded of the fact that the animosity between Aaron and Neil is mostly one-sided. Like, Neil finds Aaron frustrating, but all the antagonistic stuff he does to him is ultimately in service of helping him in some way and while he's angry when Aaron provokes him, he otherwise regards him with disinterest and even expresses the desire to see what he's like when he's relaxed and enjoying himself during the party with the Vixens. Meanwhile Aaron just really hates that man.

I really appreciated Nora using this chapter to clear up some of the gripes a lot of the fandom has had with Aaron's character in the past and confirm that Aaron's comments to Nicky have to do with his cousin making graphic and unwanted sexual advances on their teammates, and his accusations towards Neil were from a place of concern for his brother. I also liked that it was pointed out that of course he would have at least some internalized homophobia due to being raised by religious zealots in a conservative area, but is unlearning it due to Nicky.

On a similar note, I'm glad that we were provided the context that Nicky's inappropriate behavior is a defense mechanism to weed out people who might hurt him rather than legitimate advances, because I think the fandom tends to forget that he is also a character with extreme trauma written outside of the "perfect victim" stereotype. His actions aren't okay, but the entire point is that they are the result of what he's had to endure just like every other member of the team

The implication that Andrew specifically signed with the Foxes so Aaron could go to college

Aaron and Andrew have the same nervous habit of picking at loose thread

It causes me physical pain to see Andrew clearly trying to open up to Aaron about his self-harm, but because his way of communicating is less straightforward (he doesn't lie, but he because he stuggles to confront and be open with his emotions, he presents the truth in flowery, vague language) and because the two dont really know or understand each other, Aaron can't fully grasp the implications of what he's saying

On the subject of things that cause me physical pain: baby Aaron telling his mom that he wanted to be a neurosurgeon like the people on TV and her laughing and saying he'd never make anything of himself. Fuck Tilda Minyard, all my homies hate Tilda.

Andrew is so uncomfortable, someone Get Him Out of There.

Going off that and his nervous habits (that Aaron mentions he did often enough to be noticable as a habit premedication), I am highkey wondering if the reason Sober Andrew doesn't talk to anyone outside Neil is because he's just. Socially Awkward.

We get a little bit of insight into Andrew's "misogyny" (I personally think distrusting certain people as a result of extreme personal trauma is a little bit different than just being sexist, in the same way women distrusting men because they're used to being harassed and belittled isn't misandry, but that's up to your personal opinion) and that his distain for Katelyn comes from the fact that he thinks she's stringing Aaron along and will turn out to be awful like his previous girlfriends (there's also a notable implication that Aaron has the same self-destructive tendencies as Andrew, and may be why he went out of his way to get him into college and on the straight-and-narrow) also see that this extends to Bee as well despite their close relationship, with him being so afraid that she'd reject him for being gay that he can't even look at her while talking about Neil, probably made worse by the fact that she's a maternal figure for him, which is where this trauma response originates.

Aaron is the only person on the team who's aware that Andrew hasn't slept with Neil, and the only one to grasp the significance of the fact that they've gotten close to that point already despite Andrew's trauma, outside of Renee

It was overall really interesting to see inside Aaron's head (I actually wouldn't mind a book from his perspective, he has a similar way of thinking to Neil but much more grounded) and to see Andrew through the lense of someone who just views him as Just A Guy

[hmmm-shesucks]

Once the foxes become more comfortable with each other, they begin to nag. Mostly little things, usually humorous things. They nag on Nicky for being too forward sometimes. They nag on Neil for his horrible life habits. They nag on Dan for her mother henning. They nag on Kevin for everything. It's fun, it's what families do. They all just pick on each other for fun.

It takes a little longer for them to feel comfortable nagging Andrew though, which, is understandable, but one of the first things they start picking on him for is his lack of communication in general. He NEVER talks. They just want him to participate sometimes.

Renee and Neil find this funny because Andrew talks A LOT just not around the foxes. He's not comfortable.

See, Andrew is fucking weird. Everyone knows this, but the foxes think he's weird in a “mysterious, murder you in your sleep, was totally the kid everyone thought was going to shoot up the school” kind of weird.

Andrew is not that kind of weird. He's a different breed entirely. He plans out how he'd survive the apocalypse, any of them. He is constantly fighting back the most wild intrusive thoughts. He is 24/7 existential crisis. His head is a wild fucking place.

But he is trying. Making progress. Trying to be more open and approachable, as Bee says. So he talks. Out Loud.

And the foxes hate him.

In the most monotonous voice ever

“Do you ever feel like your bones are dirty? Like, I could totally strip my meat suit and just give my ribs a good bleaching.”

“If that light fell out of the ceiling it would kill at least three of you and seriously injure the rest of us.”

“Nothing is stopping me from buying five ice cream flavors at once, but I'm learning self-control and Bee would be disappointed.”

“Currently having a manic episode. Should I A.) call Bee, tell her I'm not doing too great, and talk about my symptoms and how to best cope? B.) find the nearest mall and spend every dime I have in less than thirty minutes. Or C.) go apeshit and try to fight anyone and everyone who looks at me in a less-than-kind way. Children included.

*stage whisper* there's a secret fourth option but I'm saving it for later ;) (pronounced Semicolon left facing open parentheses. Yes he says this out loud)”

disappears for less than five minutes and comes back with three furrbies and a corndog, one that is obviously not from the mall's food court.

He's so fucking weird. Like, weirder than Neil, and it's awful (so good dude, the foxes eat it up)

And it's not the manic Andrew on meds. It's just Andrew. He's still Andrew. He's still quiet most of the time and he is still grumpy and apathetic, but he's also comfortable enoughto just blurt random shit out and have fun watching everyone figure out how to respond. He's found safety in his new family and he can openly be who he is without fear of judgment or rejection. He's happy in a way he's never felt nor ever thought he'd get to experience. He's just Andrew.

[wilhelminyard]

compilation of nice/sweet things the foxes said to neil because even though they're a bunch of assholes who'll insult anyone in their vicinity they all just love him so damn much (part 1) :

WYMACK :

"if your parents are a problem for you, we'll move you to south carolina early."

"foxes are foxes for a reason and they know we wouldn't sign you if you didn't qualify. that doesn't mean they know specifics. it's not my place to ask and I'm sure as hell not going to tell them."

"it's about second chances, neil. second, third, fourth, whatever, as long as you get at least one more than what anyone else wanted to give you."

"I have never, ever hit someone without provocation and I'm sure as hell not going to start with you. you hear me?"

"I'll take care of this. you take care of you."

"do you have any idea what could have happened to you between here and there? what were you thinking? you should have called me"

"any of us would have come and gotten you"

"it's not your job to take care of yourself anymore. it's your job to play, and mine and abby's job to look after you."

ANDREW :

"oh you might actually turn out to be interesting"

"you be something. kevin says you'll be a champion. four years and you'll go pro. five years and you'll be court."

"curious that a man with so much potential, who has so much fun, who could 'be something' wouldn't want any of it"

"a liar who practices occasional honesty. clever."

"are you going to tell kevin?" "don't ask me stupid questions"

"oh neil, as unpredictable as he is unreal"

"what would it take to make you stay?"

"I'll stand between you and the moriyamas"

"you gave your game to kevin. give your back to me."

KEVIN :

"neil is exactly what the foxes need right now. his inexperience is inconsequential. we went through a hundred files looking for a striker for this year, but neil is the only one we approached. we knew as soon as we saw him we needed to sign him. we're just lucky we got there before anyone else did"

"our primary concern was keeping neil safe"

"*to riko* leave him alone."

MATT :

"are you bleeding anywhere?"

"coach says [neil's] got potential. andrew says you're fast. [...] andrew bets you can outrun everyone on this team."

"seriously are you okay?"

"I'll owe you one" "you won't owe me anything"

"you be careful, okay?"

"I'm fine" "you say that a lot. I'm starting to think you don't know what it means."

"coach says stupid but I say you have balls of steel"

NICKY :

"neil, you clean up good"

"andrew is keeping you, same as he kept kevin. it means you're part of the family now. [...] family means something different with us because it has to. it's not about blood. it's not even about who we like. it's about who andrew's willing to protect."

"that makes you invaluable to andrew"

"you're one of us, which means we'll never push you further than you're willing to go"

DAN :

"are you okay?"

"coach said you hitchhiked your way back here. I'd yell at you for being stupid but coach said he handled that already"

"we didn't let him [in]. he didn't make it further than the front door."

"neil? you don't have to do this, you know"

ALLISON :

"looking fancy"

SETH :

"maybe you're not as stupid as I thought"

AARON :

(I know it surprised me too but it's probably the only compliment he gives neil throughout the entire series and they literally just met at that point)

"at least you're not going to completely drag us down. it'll take most the season to get you where we need you to be but I can see why kevin picked you"

[foxesscramble]

i feel like katelyn would fit so well with the foxes girls. like allison and dan would talk about their workout regimen. allison would take her shopping because they have similar styles. i think katelyn and renee would have a quieter relationship where they talk more than go out and do things.

i think they would have movie nights and go on fun adventures like the aquarium and the zoo together. they would have DIY spa days that they would rope nicky, neil, matt, and sometimes kevin into.

katelyn cheering them on SO LOUDLY when the girls do anything remotely good.

they would have a groupchat and they update each other at LEAST once every three days. katelyn graduated from med school and all of them are there to cheer her on. allison starts her own clothing brand and they all model for her. dan gets engaged and they're at her house within ten minutes. renee has charity events and they never miss them.

they're each others bridesmaids in their weddings. allison and katelyn wedding plan together for the longest time.

just girls supporting girls.

[r-inijhinix]

I like to think Neil gets birthday wishes at about a dozen different times in the year

Like, the first time is because Matt just has to let him know he's appreciated, Dan! You don't get it so he sends Neil a text in a very birthday-esque format - the whole "I'm so glad to have gotten to know you" and "I hope you enjoy your 19th year of life" and "the Foxes are very lucky to have had you the past year" and "Can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you <3". He even tops it off by starting the paragraph-sized text with happy birthday because it just feels appropriate

It's literally like the middle of July and Neil is just so confused because what? Not that it's not a nice gesture, but he's fairly certain his birthday was several months ago

The Foxes, naturally, think his confusion is hilarious. October rolls around and on the 4th he's sent texts from Allison, Dan, Nicky, and Matt (again, because how could he be left out?) sending him well wishes, although Allison's can be roughly interpreted as "You're a bitch with a horrendous fashion sense, so you're lucky you're cute"

After that, it just becomes a Thing, though the Foxes are careful to spread the days out evenly throughout the year as not to be too predictable and teeter cautiously around trauma dates. Funnily enough, this means Neil's actual birthday is able to pass without too much fanfare (which, by Fox standards, means it's still a grand event)

Until one day it's the anniversary of his stay at Evermore and Neil is nearly catatonic to the world and Aaron is sick of his moping - at least, that's what he later says - the real reason is closer to wanting the anxious expression Andrew tries so hard to conceal gone - so he shoots off a "Happy 92nd birthday, you moronic piece of shit. Ever since we met at the vets eight years ago and your cat tried to disembowel my pregnant dog, I knew you'd the be the worst part of my life. Have a good one" message to Neil

Shockingly, it works. Kind of. It's out-there enough for Neil to pull himself together enough to verbally spar with Aaron for a bit, which is a great change from the apathy that's been consuming him

It also therein starts a new tradition where each faux happy birthday text is matched with increasingly ridiculous stories that Neil very well could have been a part of

Thanks for blackmailing the FBI so I could get away with J-walking

That time we sent a government building on fire with whiskey and fried chicken is one of my favorite memories

(It's all fine and dandy until Andrew starts using these texts as excuses to get an atrocious amount of sweets because What do you mean I can't buy four chocolate cheese cakes? You turned 83 five years ago today. We need to celebrate)

[boglizard-josten]

fox headcanons

it might be old but just things that I think fit the foxes for no good reason

• Neil is weirdly good at geoguesser. he's like that one guy on tiktok or whatever that does it insanely good except he's just like 🤷

• Kevin gets frustrated at that ^^ but Kevin is that guy that knows every country flag right off the top of his head all the time

• dan really wants to be one of those girls that puts their painted handprints everywhere but alas it's a college dorm

• aaron intentionally does his hair different than Andrew and it looks kinda emo and the only reason Andrew doesn't copy him/didn't is because he was called emo one too many times before and he must never go back

• Matt has at least three pairs of those stupid animal slippers. like frog, bears, rabbits, whatever. and he loves them

• Nicky once tried ventriloquism. it didn't work out

• Allison hates high school musical a weird amount and no one knows why and it's because in high school she aas read set on being casted as sharpay in the high school play and she didnt hr casted at all

• renee is one of those girls that when they cut their own hair it's always uneven so she cuts it even and it's still uneven so it just ends up really short but she still looks good

[kevjeanday]

Ayo I’m the first in line criticizing Jeremy and cat and Laila bulldozing over Jean’s boundaries and trauma HOWEVER I definitely think it is redeemable and I know that it will be addressed and redeemed. It’s not like I hate any of them as people or as characters.

I think it should be okay to question and analyze especially concerning a character like Jeremy Knox. It can be nice and healthy there is no reason to act like there’s a war going on just because i say he clearly has a savior complex. Personally I think it makes him a lot more interesting as a character than if he acted like a perfect therapist right out the box.

Like after the foxhole court the foxes were on thin ice too with what Andrew and Nicky did to Neil and Aaron being a sour puss and at least I found Renee a bit boring. And now look where we are?? I love all of the foxes.

I don’t think anyone is saying ‘these characters suck’ but I do think it’s valid to critique their actions?? Even if they’re ’nice people’ (compared to the monsters lmao)

[hamliet]

Hi, I love that you’ve started reading the aftg books and the sequels. The meta you’ve written up until now has all been great!

Andrew is my favorite character! Could you do an in depth analysis? Your favorite part of his character or maybe his relationship with Aaron and what it means to the story. I love a complicated family/ sibling dynamic.

I sure can!

Andrew is my favorite character as well. And he's a well-done identical twin! As an identical twin, that NEVER happens! Lol.

I said in my review that Andrew is the heart of the series, and he is. So my favorite part of his character is the slow peeling away of the onion-like layering that covers his character, and we see that at his core Andrew is a bleeding heart, not a monster and not a violent psychopath.

But much like a traumatized child, he hides that away. See, I actually think that despite the hyperbolized narrative, Andrew's trauma response is very emotionally accurate. Kind of like Ash Lynx's in Banana Fish. The people we want to write off and throw away as psychopaths are often the people actually hurting deeply inside.

Andrew and Aaron (and Nicky)

Andrew commits himself to not opening up. But he still binds himself to Aaron, wherein they agree that they will stick together for college. But then they never make any effort to have a relationship, because if they do, then Andrew would have to be vulnerable and admit he cares deeply about Aaron and killed their mother to protect him.

Essentially Andrew attempts to adopt this philosophy (quote from CS Lewis):

There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket – safe, dark, motionless, airless – it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.

Hell is all Andrew thinks he deserves.

But, well, because Andrew can't quite give up on Aaron (or on Nicky), blood leaks out of his casket and draws Kevin, Neil, and the other Foxes in.

Andrew's relationship with Aaron mimics the tropes about twins in a deconstructive light. See, identical twins (speaking as one, again) are seen as one half of a human being. Both twins are dehumanized within the narrative, so Andrew clings to this idea--that he has a more human half in Aaron--and won't let it go. He's determined to protect Aaron, and his determination to protect Aaron and Aaron's future unwittingly ensures Andrew is protecting his own future as well.

The series also addresses the oft-written codependency of twins which is greatly exaggerated in fiction. The Minyards are codependent, but only because they're both fearful of vulnerability. Which is why Nicky Hemmick is such an important member of their trio--he routinely pushes Andrew and Aaron out of their comfort zone, for better and for worse.

See, Nicky basically walks around advertising his vulnerability. If Andrew and Aaron withdraw, Nicky holds out his vulnerabilities and brags about them. It's potentially also a maladaptive coping mechanism based in self-harm, but it's also drawn from his past in having to shut down everything he is and was because of his parents.

But Nicky's loss of his parents and the way he struggles to hold on despite their condemnation of him definitely resonate with Andrew. Again, he agrees to go back to the Hemmick household because he knows it matters to Nicky (and to Neil) despite knowing it will end badly. He knows Nicky has to see it for himself, not just be told it. He can't protect Nicky from that heartache--the heartache he himself experienced with Tilda abandoning him at birth while keeping his brother, and then abusing Aaron.

Someday I'm going to write about Nicky Hemmick and why he's one of the most important characters in the entire story...

Andrew and Neil

Everything about Neil is a lie, but everything about Andrew is twisted to the point of covering up his bleeding heart. The pot doth calleth the kettle black, despite what Andrew likes to think. Like, Andrew, you literally use your twin to trick Neil about your actual identity because he can't trust Neil. Neil likewise can't trust Andrew or anyone with his true identity.

Perhaps it's this similarity that makes them so good for each other. Neil, unlike Kevin, Nicky, or Aaron, challenges Andrew to open up to the others, to the wider world. To the full team, and the funny thing is... he succeeds.

"We're never going to make it to finals if we're a fractured mess. You two are holding us back." ... "If you ask for half the truth, you'll only get half the truth," Neil said. "It's your fault if you don't like the answers I give you, not mine.

Like, I'm not sure if people realize, but Andrew's confession to murdering his mother happens right after this scene, where Neil urged Andrew to start acting like he was a member of the team and also tells him to accept the full truth. Then blood falls and "happy birthday jr" (a parallel again--part of Neil's identity is forcibly revealed through blood, but Andrew's identity comes out via him confessing to shedding blood). Andrew goes on to do exactly what Neil challenged him to.

His confession was Andrew's very Andrew way of opening up to his team: telling them the worst thing he'd ever done to see if they would stay or go.

"She didn't kill herself, Andrew," Aaron said, savage with grief. Andrew flicked him a cool look. "I told her what would happen if she raised her hand again. She had no right to look so surprised." "Oh, Jesus," Matt said. "Did you just—?" Wymack pinched the bridge of his nose and exhaled noisily. "Could you at least let us leave the room before you confess?"

Actually it was important that they not leave the room, during the scene or symbolically in the aftermath. They're not okay with it, but they also don't condemn Andrew for it. This enables Andrew to be able to trust the team, at least a little bit.

Andrew and Kevin

Kevin promises Andrew that he can give him a purpose. Just like Andrew, Kevin is kind of purpose-less. Yes, "all for the game" and obsessed with Exy, blah blah blah. Kevin's drinking habits suggest otherwise insofar as his Exy-fills-the-void-just-fine argument goes.

The irony is that Kevin does help introduce Andrew to a purpose, but it's not through Exy. Exy is a means to an end, and that end is love with Neil and a family with the Foxes, even if he's always going to be the grumpy one. And through Andrew and Neil and the Foxes, Kevin sees maybe, just maybe, there's something more than just Exy that gives his life value.

Andrew may not care about Exy itself, but he cares a hell of a lot about the people playing it. Because what Andrew really always wanted was just love.

Andrew and Jean

In the sequel trilogy, we see how Andrew foils Jean. It's not a coincidence Neil hears Jean compare Grayson to Drake, or that Riko helped orchestrate Drake's last assault and many of Jean's assaults. We're supposed to compare these characters.

(Side note: I did appreciate how Andrew immediately demanded to know if Grayson had hurt Neil when he was at Evermore.)

But the way in which Andrew and Jean foil each other isn't just in their abuse. It's primarily in their shared humanity, and the kindness they possess. They both tried to protect their abusers and the bystanders because they believe that firmly in the potential of others. Andrew protects Cass at the cost of going to juvie himself. He protects Aaron at the cost of murdering their mother. He protects Kevin and Neil at the cost of being abused by Proust. Jean still saves Zane's life despite his betrayal. Jean still mourns Riko despite the evil he did to him.

But they afford none of that mercy for themselves. Jean doesn't see himself as a human being, and neither does Andrew. No, what Andrew sees himself as is a monster.

The "Monsters" nickname Andrew bears in a typically Andrew way. He acts like he likes it. I think that the text pretty clearly indicates he hates being called a Monster, and the extra chapter from Bee's POV indicates this as well.

"Monster" is a label Andrew uses to self-harm. Him starting to step away from it in the end via admitting to Aaron he loves Neil (even if he never says the words) and continuing his relationship with Neil shows his own healing. He's the one who comes up with the winning strategy of having Neil revert to defense to cover Riko during the final showdown with the Ravens.

By the end of the series, Andrew is well on his way to having a full and fulfilling life with family, friends, and hobbies like sports. He's loved familialy, romantically, and platonically.

[miscellaneousbullshit]

I love AFTG desperately but I genuinely think the main POV charactrs are the least interesting. Or well, that's not exactly it, but I KNOW their stories and I HAVE the explanations of how their minds work and I don't really need/want any more, y'know? The reason I can't seem to get this series out of my head is because there are SO MANY great side characters and I can't get them out of my head. I want to know EVERYTHING about them. I want their prequels. I want their futures. I want fanworks centered around them and their lives and perspectives (something that i've noticed are really hard to find? Any recs are always appreciated!) I love Neil and Andrew and Jean and Jeremy but WHERE are my Renee POVs? My Dan and Matt love stories (PLEASE I love them sm, I need to see how Matt got through to Dan when she was very much not interested in dating at the time)?Where are my Allison and Seth star crossed lovers tales? My Ananya/Cody/Pat fluff? My Thea Muldani healing journeys? My Nicky and Erik angst and hurt/comfort? My Wymack and Abby moments? Allison, Dan, and Renee's enemies to friends arc? The Vixens side adventures while the cheer for the Foxes? Betsy Dobson's backstory? Aaron Minyard's life with Tilda? Aaron Minyard's life in general? Aaron mending his relationship with Andrew (without him always being painted like he's in the wrong when Andrew has done some shitty things and routinely fails to give him any grace whatsoever)? Where is Katelyn falling for this grumpy guy in her first year bio lab? Where is Kevin day just trying to get THROUGH his day? Where is Maria's story of being trafficked 'rescued' and how it affected how she raised Nicky and views her husband? Where is my Wymack and Dan father/daughter moments? Wymack and Kevin's bio family journey? Where is my Xavier story? Where is my Stephanie Walker (who we only see ONCE in canon) taking in and loving teenager gangster Natalie SO much she becomes calm, faithful Renee? Where is Riko's pov villain origin story? Where is Erik's quiet distaste about how Nicky's cousins and teammates consistently and brutally shit on him and devalue him when all he does is love them? Where is Mary Howard's life on the run? Where is Stuart's memories of his sister? Where is Mary and Nathaniel's marriage and how Neil came to be? Where can I read how Cat and Laila met and fell in love? About Laila's family and backstory? How Allison broke away from her parents? How Abby became a fox (she's their nurse but no one who works with the team has a squeaky clean past. Wymack's parents were wicked, but how did Abby end up at Palmetto?) Hell, I would read the dean of Edgar Allen's pov of realizing he has no control over the Nest and the panic and anger at the implications it has for his career and I'd read it GREEDILY. I'd read Kayleigh Day and her friendship with Tetsuji Moriyama and the birth of exy and i'd SCREAM. I want these characters and their lives and their stories without Andreil or Jerejean always being the focus. I've seen the core romances, I've read them a thousand times over, and I don't want to read them anymore. I want to read the LIFE, y'know? So many compelling characters and details and I can't find enough of any of them. There's more to the series than the main ships and I wish I could find more content about it. Give me stories centered around the dozens of brilliant and compelling side characters, I'm BEGGING

[ninyard]

The monsters and their ability to pick up languages is so interesting to me so here’s some random HCs about monsters + languages that are definitely not original at all:

- Neil learned French in Europe before him and Mary found their way to French-speaking Canada. He essentially had to semi-adopt the language discrepancies while he was there, and even though his fluency is in French from France, sometimes he messes up and pronounces things weirdly or differently (and Kevin frequently makes fun of him for it)

- Kevin has some rusty Japanese that he was forced to learn growing up. He can understand it pretty well, and can somewhat speak it to a lower level, but he can’t read or write it. He’s not fluent, and probably couldn’t hold a conversation with a native speaker, but he could understand his Japanese counterparts in the Nest when he needed to.

- In turn Kevin isn’t able to order in Japanese at a restaurant, but he could explain the rules of Exy to someone fairly coherently if he had to.

- This isn’t an original thought by any means but Neil and Kevin definitely speak in French when they’re by themselves just to make sure they don’t lose it.

- They sometimes make calls to each other on the court in French, and because of this, most of the team picks up very basic calls in French. None of them can actually speak it, but Andrew picks up a little more than the rest, having spent so much time with Kevin. Again, couldn’t hold a conversation, but every now and again he recognises certain words in their conversations.

- Neil is like a walking version of those White Guy Speaks Chinese And Stuns Waitress (he can understand her?!?) polyglot youTube videos. It becomes more of a hobby for him once he’s settled and the FBI are off his back, but the foxes are constantly shocked by how many languages he can speak. He is fluent in English, French, and German of course, with some conversational Spanish, but he can pretty much have a basic interaction in most of the languages of countries he’d been in. His Dutch is the worst, because he could never quite grasp the proper pronunciation of things, but one time he speaks to a waiter in Italian and Andrew can’t believe it.

- (RIP Neil Josten, you would’ve loved duolingo)

- When he goes to the Olympics he’s like a kid in a candy store. It’s like a subconscious bingo game for him to speak to someone from every country at least once.

- Aaron loves listening to music in German. He would definitely drag Nicky to a rave if they ever found themselves in Berlin.

- Katelyn asks him whenever they have their kid if he wants to raise them bilingual, but he decides not to because he only really learned German for Nicky and his brother, and doesn’t really speak it at all after he graduates.

- Neil and Nicky study Spanish together sometimes. It helps Nicky stay close to his roots now that his immediate family is pretty much out of the picture. It means way more to him than Neil even knows.

- Another unoriginal one but Andrew and Neil definitely do learn sign language in the future. I could talk about this one forever.

- When Kevin gets frustrated, he finds it hard to speak ANY language. He messes up words in English, forgets how to say things, and occasionally is the butt of the joke when he combines a French and English word accidentally.

- Kevin watches anime when nobody is around. He thinks dubbed anime is a crime.

- Andrew thinks he’s pretty good at German until he tries to have a conversation with Erik and realises wow native speakers talk a lot faster than we do. You wouldn’t know, because even if he just understands half of a sentence, he can usually piece together what is being said 90% of the time, and he would never admit out loud that he needs Erik to slow down when he’s talking so he can understand him.

- He is, however, REALLY good at accents. He has a talent for speaking gibberish but sounding as if he’s speaking fluent French. It drives Kevin up the wall when he does it, but he also hates when he can’t understand what Kevin and Neil are saying to each other.

And Bonus:

- Jeremy is really bad at accents. He is initially frustrated by Jean and his French, but once he understands that it is Jean’s first language (that the Moriyama’s took from him), he makes an effort to try and learn. He’s just really, really bad at it. Jean cringes every time he tries, because he speaks with a heavy American accent. Jean is not pretentious about his language, but he is, at the end of the day, French. So when Jeremy says bonjour in that hideous so-Cal accent, it’s in part endearing that he’s trying, but mostly like nails on a chalkboard.

[novamariestark]

Like A Virgin

Summary: Your most embarrassing secret comes out and somehow it ends differently than you thought it would.

Warnings: age gap, smut, pretty much 90% smut, oral (m+f receiving), piv, unprotected sex (wrap b4 you tap), virgin reader, first time,

Word count: 4069 (I swear that number is unintentional)

Fandom: NCIS

Pairing: Alden Parker x virgin!reader

[A/N] Guess who's back bitches!!! 🤭🤭

Was I dreaming? Or is this actually happening? Was the sexiest man I’d ever laid my eyes upon really buried between my legs?

His tongue darting between the wet lips, trying for find the sensitive bud. The simplest touch of the tip of his tongue, sent shivers through your body. You’d read about this, you heard your friends tell you about it but you never believed it felt this good.

And to think, you owe it all to that big mouthed best friend of yours, Nick.

What turned out to be a simple conversation, turned into the most embarrassing yet best conversations ever. Why? Because your silver fox, sexy ass boss, is between your legs, his face buried in your folds as he licks, sucks and nibbles at the soft flesh.

You hadn’t told anyone, no one at all, because you were ashamed. Why? Who knows. But you definitely did not want your co-workers to know, especially not… him. After a particularly long, hard case, Nick decided… forced, you all to engage in a team bonding exercise “Never Have I Ever”

What did that have to do with team bonding? That’s exactly what you asked Nick. He has been trying to get something out of you about relationships, sex and everything that goes with it. Sure you had boyfriends in the past, you weren’t that sad. But you didn’t just want to give it up to just anyone. You wanted the one. And the moment you laid eyes on him. You knew. But you also knew it was never going to happen. So you guessed you’d die a virgin or you just go to a bar and give it up to the first sleazy guy that was interested.

The game started off relatively PG, until it came to be Nick’s turn.

“Never have I ever had sex in public,”

“Really?” you asked, “Are you 12?”

“Size 14 actually” he said as he took a sip of coffee because we obviously don’t have alcohol stashed in your desk drawers. At least you didn’t. You rolled your eyes at the comment, and everyone took note that you were the only one who didn’t take a sip

“What?” you asked as you noticed all their eyes on you and the drink in your hand.

“You’ve never been adventurous outside of the bedroom?” Nick asked, a smirk finding it’s way onto his face, he had you now. “What have you done, little miss innocent?”

“You only get to ask one question, Nicky,” you said, trying to get as far away from the topic of sex as you could, especially considering your boss, and the owner of your heart and every other part of your body, if he wanted, was sat across from you. So you ask a somewhat, safe question, “Never Have I ever shoplifted,” you asked and you took a sip of your drink.

Obviously, it was like a million lifetimes ago and it was really ridiculous now that you think about it. All you took was a simple pink hairband, but nonetheless, you took it without paying.

“Oh my God, we’ve been working with a maniac,” Nick gasped over dramatically, “But seriously... that's your question? Come on, ask a juicier one,"

"No!"

He looked at you as if he were trying to read your mind, "Wait a minute... have you never?"

You felt the room spinning around you as everyone looked your way, your heart racing and your cheeks burning up like the sun.

You blurt out, "Fine okay! I haven't!" Your voice quivered as you spoke, and you could feel the tears stinging at the back of your eyes. The room fell silent, and for a moment, it felt like the air had been sucked out of it. You looked around, expecting judgement, pity, or laughter, but instead, you saw a a few surprised faces but Alden's face gave nothing away. No one said a word, and you felt like you could hear the thunderous sound of your own heartbeat in the quiet.

Swiftly, you stand up, knocking over your chair in the process. You didn’t care. You had to get out of there. You grab your bag and rush towards the restroom, trying to keep your composure as you go. Your cheeks were on fire, and you could feel the eyes of your colleagues burning into your back. The cool metal door hits you with a bit more force than you meant it to, and you stumble into the restroom, locking it behind you.

Once inside, you lean against the door, taking deep breaths and trying to keep it together. The sound of the lock clicking into place echoes through the small space, offering a momentary sense of security. Your hand shakes as you lift it to your face, wiping away the rogue tear that had escaped. You look at yourself in the mirror; your makeup is a mess from the hasty retreat. You hastily fix your mascara, which had started to run, and smooth out your hair. You take a deep breath, telling yourself that you can get through this.

When you finally feel presentable, you turn the handle and push the door open, only to find Alden leaning on the wall across from the restroom, his arms folded over his chest and his gaze fixed on the floor. He looks up as the door swings outward, and his eyes meet yours. For a second, you consider retreating back into the safety of the bathroom, but the words tumble out of your mouth before you can stop them. "What are you doing here?" you ask, your voice still shaky.

He straightens up, looking at you with a mix of concern and something you can't quite read, "I wanted to make sure you were okay." His voice is low and calming, but it does nothing to ease the storm of emotions raging inside you. You're acutely aware of the fact that he now knows your secret, and you're not sure how to handle it.

"I'm fine," you lie, trying to keep the tremor out of your voice. "I just needed a moment." you look at the floor, the wall behind him, anywhere. Anywhere but him, "I suppose everyone will think I'm some kind of sad loser now," you let out a breathy laugh even though all you want to do is cry.

Alden takes a step towards you, "They don't and they would never," he says firmly, his eyes searching yours for some sign that you believe him. "If anything, they're surprised, I know I am,"

"Surprised,”

"Yes," he says, taking another step closer, "I mean, you're smart, funny, beautiful..." His voice trails off, and he looks at you with a softness that you've never seen before in his eyes. It's a look that makes your stomach flip but it also has an effect somewhere else, somewhere a little more south. Your eyes avert from him, not wanting him to see exactly what you were thinking. Thinking about him. How he just made you feel with one sentence. You can't help but imagine what else that tongue could do.

He must have read your face because his expression shifts, his eyes darkening slightly. "I could help you with that," he says, his voice dropping to a whisper.

Your heart skips a beat, "What?" you blinked a couple of times. Did you hear him right? Or is this your imagination? Again.

"I said," he takes another step closer, his eyes never leaving yours, "I could help you with that."

You swallow hard, your mouth feeling like it's filled with sand. You've thought about it so many times, even at work, when you've stared at his beautiful hands as they glide over documents and computer keyboards, wondering what they'd feel like on your bare skin. But you've never, ever imagined him saying it out loud, especially not here, in the stark fluorescent light of the office hallway.

"You don't mean..." you start to protest, but your voice trails off. What could he possibly mean? Did he just offer to...?

Alden nods, a knowing smile playing on his lips, "I do. I could be your first," he says, his voice low and enticing. You can't believe what you're hearing. Your boss, the man you've had a crush on since the moment you and McGee interrogated him, is offering to take your virginity. It's like a dream come true, but in the most unexpected way possible.

You feel your cheeks flush even more, and you stumble over your words, "I-I don't know what to say."

Alden steps closer, his voice gentle, "You don't have to say anything. The offer is there if you want it, no pressure," he says, reaching out to tuck a loose strand of hair behind your ear. His touch sends a shiver down your spine, and you can't help but lean into it slightly. He seems to notice and smiles, "You need a ride home?"

You nod, unable to form coherent words. You follow him towards the elevator. The ride down seemed to take forever. Too much close proximity and you were about to get into his car. Alone. You felt like a teenager again, the butterflies in your stomach had returned. You're nervous, excited, and a little bit terrified. You've seen movies, read books, but this was your first time feeling like this about someone.

The elevator doors open with a soft ding, and you both step out into the dimly lit parking garage. His car is parked right outside. He opens the door for you, and you slip inside, the leather seats cool against the thin fabric of your pants. The scent of his cologne fills the car, and you can't help but take a deep breath. He gets in and starts the engine, the low purr echoing through the space.

As he drives, the silence between you is thick and palpable. You can't stop thinking about his offer. You want to ask a hundred questions, but you're afraid of what the answers might be. You look over at him, his profile lit by the passing streetlights, his jaw clenched as he focuses on the road. You wonder if he's regretting his words or if he's just as lost in thought as you are.

Your eyes wonder back to his hands, gripped tightly on the steering wheel. You bite your lip, as the things he could do to you with those very hands played through your mind like a dirty movie. One you really wanted to star in. You absentmindedly squeeze your thighs together. Never had a man made you feel this way.

Should I do it? Should I lose my virginity?

But what about waiting for the right guy? If he isn't the right guy, I don't want anyone else.

The back and forth in your mind takes over, and you don't even realise it's been so long when Alden taps your shoulder.

"This is you," he said softly gesturing to your house. You looked over your shoulder and you felt a wave of sadness wash over you. Now you won't see him until tomorrow.

Unless...

"You want to come in?" you asked, your voice barely above a whisper. You didn't know why you were asking, but something inside you just didn't want him to leave just yet. Alden looked at you for a moment, his eyes searching yours before he nodded slowly.

He followed you in, the door clicking shut behind you. The house was quiet, a stark contrast to the chaos in your mind. You led him into the living room, flipping on a lamp to cast a warm glow across the room, "I'm not sure what to do, I mean I've watched stuff and read.."

He stopped you, "I told you we don't have to, [Y/N], no pressure,"

You nodded, "I know, I just..." You didn't know what to say. "I want you, I-I feel it," you stutter not sure if you made sense.

He stepped towards you slowly, giving you time to retreat should you want to. His raised his hand to gently move your face to look at him, "Where do you feel it?" he asked, his hand releases your chin and starts moving down, his hand ghosting over you, not making full contact in case you didn't want it, "Here?" he asked, his hand over your stomach, you shook your head 'no' and he continued further down, until he reached your clothed pussy, "Here?"

You nodded shamefully and looked away and his hand found your chin again, "Hey, it's okay," he said softly, a small cocky smirk made it's way onto his lips, "More than okay," you rolled your eyes but you couldn't help but smile. "Has anyone else made you feel something there?"

You shook your head 'no' again and his smile grew wider, "Just you,"

"I can still leave," he said, his voice a gentle rumble that seemed to resonate through your entire body.

"I don't want to disappoint you," you murmur, the words barely leaving your lips. The tension in the room is thick, charged with the electricity of possibility. You want him so badly it hurts, you need him. Now.

"You could never disappoint me," Alden whispers, his thumb tracing the outline of your bottom lip. Your heart skips a beat, and you can feel the heat building between your legs. He steps closer, and you can't resist leaning into his touch. He takes this as an invitation, his other hand sliding around your waist, pulling you against him. You can feel his erection pressing against your waist, and you gasp.

He kisses you then, a soft, gentle kiss that sends shockwaves through your body. It's the first time you've ever been kissed with such tenderness, as if you were made of the most delicate material and he didn't want to break you. You melt into it, your arms wrapping around his neck, pulling him closer. His hand moves up to cradle the back of your head, his fingers tangling in your hair as he deepens the kiss. Your heart is racing so fast you think it might just burst out of your chest.

You can taste the mint on his breath, and it sends a shiver down your spine. You've never felt so alive, so wanted, so... desired. His other hand travels down to cup your ass, squeezing gently, and you can't help but moan into his mouth. The sound seems to ignite something in him, because he suddenly picks you up, his hands under your thighs, and carries you over to the couch. He lays you down gently, his body hovering over yours.

"You want to stop?" he asked you, breathing heavily as he regains his breath. you shook your head 'no' once more, "I need words, baby. Once we start, I don't think I'll be able to stop,"

"Yes, please fuck me," you begged moving to kiss him again but he pulls away, just out of reach of your lips, you frown, "I thought..."

"I do, trust me, but I'm not going to fuck you. It's your first time, baby, I'm gonna make it special," he says, his voice gruff with desire. He leans down and kisses you again, slower this time, letting you feel the passion in his lips, the promise in his touch. His hand slides up your thigh, to your covered pussy, "Can I?"

You nod eagerly and he smiles against your lips before he starts to unbutton your trousers. He kisses along your jaw to your neck, his breath hot and ragged. The fabric of your trousers sliding down your legs, exposing your simple black lace underwear. His eyes darken as he looks at them, "These are beautiful," he says, his thumb tracing the lace band. He leans down and kisses your neck, sucking gently, leaving a mark that you know will be there tomorrow.

You reach down to palm him through his pants but just as your fingertips touched the fabric, he pulled your hand away, "No, It's all about you right now, baby,"

Alden's eyes are burning into yours as he runs his thumb over your underwear. You can feel the wetness that's already seeped through the material. He leans down and kisses you again, his hand sliding your underwear to the side. You gasp into his mouth as his thumb brushes over your clit. It's like a bolt of lightning shooting through you, making your body arch off the couch. His other hand is under your shirt now, his rough thumbs teasing your nipples. You can feel them harden under his touch, and you whimper.

He breaks the kiss, looking down at you with hunger in his eyes, "You're so beautiful, so responsive," he murmurs, his voice a low growl. He kisses down your neck, his teeth grazing your skin, leaving a trail of goosebumps in their wake. He kisses down your chest, pausing to pay special attention to your breasts. His tongue flicks over one nipple, then the other, making you moan. He pulls your shirt off completely, leaving you in just your bra. He takes his time unclipping it, the anticipation killing you. When it finally falls away, he groans, "Fuck," before taking your breast into his mouth, his hand still working your clit.

You've never felt anything like this before. The pleasure is intense, almost too much, and you can feel yourself getting closer and closer to the edge. You start to move your hips in sync with his thumb, your breaths coming in pants. He kisses down your stomach, his tongue tracing the waistband of your panties

And now that’s how you got here. Your first time, Is with Alden Fucking Parker.

****

“You’re so wet,” he murmured against your skin, his voice sending delicious vibrations through your core.

It’s like he had a PhD in the art of pleasuring a woman. His tongue, the perfect weapon, caressing your clit in just the right way. It was like he had a manual and studied it every night.

Everything about him was intoxicating—his scent, the way he groaned as he tasted you, the way his beard scraped your thighs as he worked.

He was the kind of man who could charm the panties off any woman and make her feel like the only one in the room. And here he was, doing just that to you.

But it was the way he looked at you that had me questioning everything. His eyes, a piercing blue, they were filled with a hunger that you’d never seen before. It was like he was starving for you, and you were his last meal.

But it wasn’t just the physical. It was his confidence, his command, his authority that had you wetter than the ocean. He knew what he wanted, and he wasn’t afraid to take it. It was a turn on like no other.

As his tongue continued to dance against your clit, your body began to tighten. The pressure building, your moans grew louder, your hands found their way into his hair, gripping tightly.

“Oh God, I’m going to come,” you whispered, your voice barely audible.

He smirked against your skin, not missing a beat, his mouth working harder. And just like that, you shattered.

But what happens now? Would we pretend this never happened? was this the start of something? Or was it just a one-time thing?

Parker reaches to unbuckle his belt and looks down at your face, your thoughts must have been written boldly across it because he paused, "We can stop if it's too much," he whispered, reaching down and stroking my cheek gently. A gesture you had never experienced from a boyfriend before. His thumb wiped away a tear that had escaped your eye.

You nodded, giving him the go ahead.

He stood, the sound of his zipper echoing in the quiet room, and stepped out of his pants. He was already hard, and the sight of him took your breath away. He was everything you had ever imagined and more. You watched as he kicked his pants to the side and took his shirt off, revealing a chest that was peppered with the cutest hairs ever. He was perfection, and you were about to get to touch him.

He moved closer to you, and you could see the veins in his arms as he reached for you. His cock was thick and long, standing tall and proud against his stomach. The tip was already glistening with precum, and you felt your mouth water at the thought of taking him in. You bit your lip, your eyes never leaving his huge member.

He sat back down on the bed, his cock jutting out in front of him. "Do you want to?" he asked tentatively although his voice gruff and full of lust.

You nodded, eager to taste him. You leaned forward, your hand reaching out to wrap around his length. He was hot and hard in your hand, and you couldn't help but moan as you took him into your mouth. He tasted salty and musky, and it was everything you had ever dreamed of.

He groaned above you, his hand reaching down to stroke your hair as you bobbed your head up and down. His cock filled your mouth, and you could feel his pulse against your tongue. You sucked harder, feeling him swell even more.

"Are you sure you haven't done this before?" he breathed out, his eyes never leaving yours. "You're a natural."

You blushed at the praise, but didn't stop. You liked the feeling of his cock in your mouth, liked the way he reacted to you. You liked the power you had over him.

You reached up and cupped his balls, gently squeezing as you took him deeper. He bucked his hips, and you knew he was close. You could feel his orgasm building, and you wanted to be the one to make him come.

You sucked harder and he tensed. "I'm going to cum," he warned, and you nodded. Then, without warning, he pulled out of your mouth and stood up. "I want to be inside you when I come," he said, his voice a harsh whisper. "Do you want that?"

You nodded again, not trusting your voice. You had never wanted anything more in your life. He climbed onto the bed, his body covering yours. He kissed you hard, his tongue delving you’re your mouth, tasting himself on you. It was erotic and raw, and you were completely lost in the moment.

He positioned himself at your entrance, and you felt the tip of his cock pushing against you. He was so big, and you were so tight. You were a little scared, but mostly excited. This was it. You are going to lose your virginity to the most amazing man you had ever met.

"Ready?" he asked, his voice filled with concern.

You nodded, and he pushed in. It hurt at first, but then it felt... right. Like he was made to be inside you. You moaned into his mouth as he filled you completely, his cock stretching you open.

He began to move, his hips thrusting in and out gently. It felt so good, so much better than you could have ever imagined. And as he fucked you, you felt something building inside of you again. An orgasm, this time deeper and more intense than the one before.

You dug your nails into his back, your hips moving with his. He groaned, his movements growing faster and more erratic. "You're so tight," he murmured, his breath hot against your ear. "So fucking tight."

You could feel him getting closer, his cock pulsing inside of you. And then, with one final thrust, he came, his warmth filling me up. You followed right after, your body convulsing around him.

You lay there, panting and sweaty, for what felt like hours. He held you close, his arms wrapped around you tightly. "Are you okay?" he asked, his voice gentle.

You nodded, your cheek pressed against his chest. "More than okay," you murmured. "That was amazing."

He chuckled, pressing a kiss to your forehead. "It was," he agreed. "But we're not done yet."

You looked up at him, your eyes wide. "What do you mean?"

He smirked, "I mean, we're just getting started, baby."

@mandy426 @writeandsurvive

[mieeaahhh]

All for the game headcannons (so so so many)

(might delete because I’m embarrassed)

-Aaron and Andrew hang out at least once a week because bee said they should give it a try and then once they graduate and live separately they call once a week instead.

-Aaron has a slightly stronger southern accent than the rest of the foxes and they like ‘mock’ him by repeating what he says sometimes. (idk if that makes sense and I’m not American so idek if he’d have a southern accent I just saw other people saying the foxes would😰)

-the foxes usually go to Aaron if Abby isn’t around when they have like a small ache in their arm or something along those lines.

-on Valentine’s Day since Eric lives so far away and Seth is yk 💀 the foxes do small things to try make nicky and Alison’s day better. Matt and Dan invite them to tag along their plans sometimes, Andrew and Neil leave them extra ice-cream in the freezer, Renee makes gets Allison flowers and sometimes takes Allison on a walk if she’s up to it, Aaron and katelyn let Nicky watch movies with them sometimes, and they also just hang out with each other and somewhat ‘bond’ about being by themselves on Valentine’s Day 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

-Aaron had piercings before meeting Andrew without his mum’s permission which obviously made her absolutely furious, so then Andrew had gotten them as well because he knew she hated them. (And he thinks they’re cool)

-the twins share a lot of their shoes. Like they’re is only one pair and it’s neither Andrews or Aarons🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

-Neil named sir and king because when he suggested that Andrew should name them, Andrew just said something lazy like “cat one and cat two”.

-Katelyn’s personality is like Nicky’s and Renee’s combined. Also I like to think that Aaron is an absolute MESS around Katelyn and the foxes do NOT leave him alone about it.

-Randy is like one of those mums that’ll ask you to invite people you are barely friends with over for tea and she started doing it with Matt about Aaron. (I like to think that Aaron and Matt end up becoming really good friends)

-Aaron doesn’t like sleeping by himself and will sometimes awkwardly ask whoever he’s with if he can sleep in their bed with them (only if he trust them like A LOT and is obviously like close with them??) and most of the foxes are aware he does this but never bring it up as they all do things that are a little childish to make themselves feel better(safe)

He’s slept In Nicky’s, Andrews and obviously Katelyn’s bed the most.

-Matt always gives people those double high-fives after good games (like this🙌) and one time turned towards Andrew for one without thinking and then put them down with a quiet apology while Andrew stared at him. Andrew silently set his hand out for Matt to give him a high five and he hesitantly did.

-there is a photo of Seth (that Allison picked) on the foxes photo wall with a metal plate thing next to it that has his name, exy position and t-shirt number.

-they take a ‘team photo’ every year for the photo wall and it’s probably the most awkward looking photo in the world.

-Katelyn is an accessory girly🤞 she constantly has hair clips and jewellery and whatever else on and when she gets sick/annoyed if having a hair clip in around Aaron she will wordlessly clip it somewhere onto him. His jumper, his hair, his bag, his shoe etc etc and a lot of the times he doesn’t even notice.

-Katelyn has videos of Aaron singing his absolute heart out while drunk and she reminds him of it whenever he’s being difficult

-a lot of the foxes sing while drunk so it often leads to a mini concert when they drink together

-Wymack has a mug signed by all the foxes that he uses every day because they got it for him on Father’s Day as a joke (Kevin’s name is the biggest)

-the twins have both been caught standing on countertops soooo many times trying to reach stuff but nobody is brave enough to mention it.

-Andrew helps dye Renee’s hair and Renee helps paint Andrews nails.

-Aaron’s septum is ALWAYS squint and it drives Katelyn mad so she always just fixes it for him and he just kinda stares at her in confusion because he honestly forgets he has piercings sometimes.

-jeans new hobby is drawing (I saw Nora say he picks up a new hobby and I’m hoping, wishing and praying it’s art related)

-Jeremy has a habit of doing this 🤙 all the time in photos.

-Kevin and Wymack start going out for lunch once a week after the books take place.

-Andrew fiddles with his piercings and picks his nail varnish when he’s bored/anxious.

-Aaron’s glasses are bent slightly from always falling asleep on them at his desk

-Neil is the only fox who isn’t afraid of spiders so he’s the designated spider remover whenever they see one.

-Neil likes holding Andrews face a lot and sometimes Neil will squish his cheeks slightly too annoy him.

-we all know Andrew has a resting bored face but I think Aaron has the worst case of rbf knows to man bro. Like he will look at Matt or something and Matt will feel the need to apologise.

-Dan, Allison and Renee invite Katelyn for girls nights and slumber parties because they know it annoys Aaron and they actually just really like her.

-Aaron likes the smiths

-Kevin has dimples

-Aaron and Andrew have freckles on their nose, Neil has freckles all over and Jeremy has freckles on his cheeks

-Aaron apologises whenever he cries (trauma response??) and when he lived with Andrew and Nicky they’d always try tell him that he has nothing to apologise for which made him cry even harder

-Neil wears caps and Andrew hates it so whenever Neil wears them Andrew flicks them off his head

-Katelyn is the tallest out of Neil, Andrew and Aaron

-Dan always sends the photos she takes to the person in said photo so that they have a copy of it as-well as it being on the wall.

-Dan and Matt have soooo many matching clothes it’s ridiculous

-Andrew has smoker lungs💔

(he coughs so much it’s concerning sometimes)

And his voice is like raspier than Aarons is

-whenever the twins say something or do something at the same time they just automatically say something like “shut up” or “stop” as if the other did it on purpose.

-the twins always sit weirdly because if they don’t they’re feet will go numb from not being able to reach the floor.

-Dan made a group chat for the foxes that barely ever ended up getting used but after everyone graduates and goes on with their own lives it ends up getting used a lot more for calling/FaceTimes each other

-Nicky sometimes tags along in the twins weekly hang outs/calls

-after that big sleepover the foxes had after getting Neil back they start doing things like that regularly. Having sleepovers, trips, movie nights, baking, board games/game nights, etc because they do start realising that maybe they do care about each other more than they say they do and it should be shown towards one another a lot more or it could be too late🤷‍♀️

Sorry bro there is so much and I can’t think of any more right now 💀

[otdiaftg]

The King's Men - Chapter Eleven

Day: Thursday, February 29th/March, 1st* Time: 10:45 PM EST

By the time the Trojans and Lions hit halftime Neil had forgotten all about Kevin. He'd been so wrapped up in the Foxes' season and the Ravens he'd forgotten how spectacular the rest of the Big Three were. These teams played like they were professionals. They didn't have the Ravens' spotless record but they were only a half-step behind Edgar Allan. Kevin had warned them weeks ago the Foxes weren't ready to face these schools. For once his callous dismissal felt like a gentle understatement. He wasn't the only one who found it a sobering sight. Dan muted the commercials, tapped the remote against her thigh in a nervous rhythm, and said, "So we definitely need to step it up, guys." Kevin frowned at her. "Even if you'd stepped it up when I told you to a year ago, you would have no chance of beating them. There is nothing at all you can do this late in the year. They are better than we are and they always will be." "Do you get off on being such a Debbie Downer?" Nicky asked. "Denial does none of us any good," Kevin said. "We struggled against Nevada. How do you honestly expect us to make it past the Big Three?" "California's overdue for a big earthquake," Nicky pointed out. "That'd take care of USC, at least." "That's a little extreme, don't you think?" Renee asked. "We need something extreme at this point," Allison said. Renee's expression was calm and her tone steady, but Renee didn't need to look disappointed in them for them to get the message. "The Trojans had our backs when we needed them most. Do you really want them to suffer just so we can profit?" "It's just not fair," Nicky said, shying away from her gaze. "Us getting this far and putting up with so much and then losing here, I mean." "We haven't lost yet," Dan said, "but we will lose if you give up right out of the gate." Kevin started to say something Neil knew would be negative and dismissing. Neil reached behind Andrew and popped Kevin in the back of the head to shut him up. Matt choked on a laugh and tried unsuccessfully to pass it off as a cough. Kevin froze for a startled second, then sent Neil a scathing look. "No one wants to hear that right now," Neil said. "If you hit me again," Kevin started. Andrew cut in with a casual, "You'll what?" Kevin shut up but didn't look happy about it.

Art used with permission by Rainbowd00dles. Thank you @rainbowd00dles.

(I merged the og art as well as the re-draw because I adore Andrew's face in the second panel.)

*Due to the Leap Year, I have opted to highlight the day rather than the date to keep the events in occurrence to the 2007 year. I will continue to mark both days accordingly.

[terramous]

do you ever think of me and my two hands? 1/2

fandom: all for the game title from: the crane wives - never love an anchor word count: 4.1k warnings: suicide attempt, cpr, violence AO3

Neil is not an expert in Andrew Minyard but clearly he’s the closest thing they’ve got judging by the faces of Aaron and Nicky when they corner him at the end of practice. 

“Something’s up with Andrew,” Nicky says quickly. 

Neil agrees with him but his boyfriend almost took his head–or at least his Adam's apple–off last night when he pried so he needs a different approach. The entire team was off when Andrew was weird because it made Neil weird which made everything weird. Its effects are doubled when Andrew is a no-show for practice. “I know,” is all Neil has to offer the two. 

Andrew skips practice less often than he threatens to so it’s always an event with the team. Coming off of his meds didn’t change his attitude towards exy but he was a lot more accommodating of practice schedules but even that didn’t mean there was any give in his apathetic attitude towards the game and these things still happened. But the little bombshell had stormed out early from the morning’s practice and Neil hadn’t managed to catch up with him then, or at all between classes.

“Fix it,” Aaron insists. Neil wishes it was that easy. 

Getting answers from Andrew was like pulling teeth, and that was at Neil’s level of intimacy. So he couldn’t fathom how anyone else on the team got him to speak to them at all outside of the plentiful threats. When Andrew doesn’t want to talk about something he makes it near-impossible. He’s all tight lips and apathy to the point that it’s maddening to try, and even when Neil can wrest answers from him, they’re short, vague and costly. 

Their game still plays sometimes, when convenient. But Neil tells Andrew a hell of a lot more than he doesn’t so he doesn’t often have the leverage to get what he needs. He’d pressed too hard a few times and Andrew was always quick with a knife and never faltered in the face of his opponent, for any reason. Neil still had a scab he couldn’t stop worrying–and thus pushing to scar as it was constantly reopened–on his earlobe from the last time his concern teetered the edge of Andrew’s patience. 

“He’s not a car,” Neil holds up a hand and lets his palm fall toward him, “and I’m not a grease monkey.”

That does not satisfy the cousins. Aaron’s eyes are like knives and his tongue a razor wire. 

“He won’t listen to anyone else,” Nicky offers. “You have to be the one to do it. He listens to you.” 

“Not sure how that makes you think I can ‘fix him’.” 

“You’re the only one who can,” Nicky says. “No one else can get through to him without losing a limb.” 

Neil sighs, closing his eyes. When he opens them again, Nicky is watching him with those big puppy eyes of his. “Fine, I’ll try.” 

-

Neil is the first one at the door to their suite after practice. The rest of the team were still in the locker room when Neil set off running back to Fox Tower so it was only a half-surprise when he got back and those with cars had yet to beat him. It was a Friday night, they weren’t in a hurry to get back to the dorms. 

Neil’s  wet hair is stuck to his forehead and cold droplets keep dripping down the back of his neck. He shakes his head and turns the doorknob only to be shut out. Locked.

Swearing, he fishes his keys out of his pocket and twists the right one in the keyhole. There’s a clunk and the door swings inwards. 

He expected Andrew to not be home if the door was locked, but he couldn’t have gotten that lucky. 

He sees his hand first. Pale and outstretched in the darkness. Palm up. 

It’s attached to a wrapped arm and a torso, and a body on the floor. 

Neil would’ve just assumed Andrew was sleeping if it wasn’t for the fistful of pills in his hand or the deathly sheen to his slack face. 

“Andrew?” Neil asks, worried as he peels his duffel off of his shoulder and drops it heavily onto the floor before stepping closer. “Andrew?” 

Andrew doesn’t stir, doesn’t so much as twitch and Neil’s heart hits his feet. 

He’s on his knees next to Andrew in a second, peeling the pills from his palm with frantic swipes. Long white ovals with those divots at halfway where you’re meant to halve the dose. 

“Andrew?” his voice is climbing in pitch now, strangled as he forces it through a throat that is closing up. 

Neil knows he’s not breathing, but he has to check first. He feels for it, the rise and fall of Andrew’s chest, a brush of air against his fingertips and comes up with nothing. 

He’s never done CPR before, never known much of how. He’s never had a proper first aid course but he swears if they make it to the end of this, there'll be a mandatory one for the whole team. But he knows enough to try. He joins his hands and drives them down hard and fast into Andrew’s chest, again and again. 

When his biceps start to burn he remembers he’s supposed to breathe for him too. So he opens Andrew’s mouth slight enough so that he can see his teeth and beyond and presses his mouth over Andrew’s. Two big breaths. He knows that much. He’d give Andrew the air from his lungs over and over again if only he’d take it.

It’s not like kissing him, there’s no push back, no invitations or limitations. Neil’s hands aren’t in his pockets, there’s one on the top of Andrew’s head, in his light hair, the other palm-splayed on his chest. 

Something in Neil’s gut twists sick at the thought of touching Andrew without his consent but he has to push that thought out as quickly as it rises because he doesn’t have a choice. Andrew’ll have to forgive him but if not Neil can handle being hated for the rest of his life as long as Andrew is alive to do it. 

And then he’s hammering on Andrew’s chest again. He can’t remember if he called out for help but he calls out now, not for help, not for anyone else, for Andrew. “You can’t fucking do this!” 

His voice drips venom and the splashback burns him too but he can’t say anything else, the fire inside of his rages and hungrily takes at him as if his ribs are trees in a ten-year drought. 

Someone behind him makes a noise. Something between startled and keening. 

“I’m calling an ambulance.”

Footsteps flood the room. 

“What happened?” That’s Matt’s voice. He is behind Neil and then beside him. 

Neil opens his mouth but no words will come out. 

“No-” Matt moves to push him out of the way. It’s not hard, a desperate shoulder-check with no leverage. “You’re doing it wrong. Let me.” 

Neil allows himself to be pushed out of the way, partly he trusts Matt to be better at this, mostly he’s too dizzy to figure anything out and he feels like he’s going to be sick. So he sits there and watches. His hands hang limp at his sides and he stares, like a marionette with cut strings and glass eyes.

Dan is yammering away on her phone. Neil only catches slivers, phrases like “I don't know”, “not breathing”, “i don’t know”, “doing CPR”, “I don’t know.”

It’s Andrew so it’s not too hard to guess. Alcohol, drugs, something stupid or incomprehensible. Neil can’t get his mouth to work to mention the pills. 

It carries on for a lifetime. Dan on her phone, Matt begging Andrew to breathe. Andrew looks so small under Matt, his chest dwarved by Matt’s big hands as they push down again and again. 

Neil doesn’t move until Andrew does. 

Which thankfully he does. He jolts under Matt’s hands and starts coughing, rolling on his side towards the group before retching. If vomit seeps into the knee of Matt’s pants he doesn’t say anything except “there you are.” He claps a hand on Andrew’s back and gives him a few firm pats as he gags. “You’re okay.”

When Andrew’s eyes lift from the floor and meet Neil’s it’s the most innocent Neil has ever seen him look. He’s propped up on his elbows in a puddle of his own sick breathing ragged. All wide-eyed and bewildered, none of that all too familiar blankness.

Neil supposes he’s supposed to say something. It takes a few attempts and all that comes out is a scathing “what did you do?” 

Andrew winces and redirects his gaze to the floorboards, Neil’s eyes burn holes in the top of his head. 

That’s when Renee steps in. Her tap on Neil’s shoulder is not a request and yet he doesn’t budge. It takes her a second to register that he’s going to stay locked to the floor before she snakes an arm under his and hauls him to his feet. She pulls him out of the room where Neil makes livid eye contact with the rest of the monsters, they don’t offer him more than a half-second glance, too busy staring into the room, mouths ajar. There’s tears on Nicky’s cheeks. 

“Allison, can you take Kevin with you to meet the paramedics downstairs?” Dan asks in her honeyed voice from somewhere behind Neil. He can hear the strain in it. Kevin looks like he’s about to argue but Allison makes a noise in affirmative and grabs him by the elbow, dragging him into the corridor behind Neil and Renee. 

Renee takes him up and out onto the roof which stings. Whether from the biting cold or the unofficial status as his and Andrew’s place, Neil isn’t sure. 

Bile stings on the back of his tongue. 

Renee lets go of his arm and studies him for a moment. Once she’s satisfied that he’s not going to bolt, she sits down on the concrete and tucks her pastel trainers under her. The ends of her hair are faded and well-past due for a retouch, that’s probably the only thing Neil understands about girl stuff. Hair dye and contacts, not an impressive repertoire. 

She doesn’t speak, just worries her silver cross between thumb and index finger, staring out at the sky. 

Neil’s jaw twitches under the pressure of him holding it closed, he’s ready to bite out at anything but he won’t do that to Renee. Matt maybe, Aaron definitely. There’s a singing in his veins that makes him want to start a fight but if he so much as steps wrong coming towards Renee she’ll have him on his ass faster than he can blink. She’s more efficient than Andrew in that regard, she makes less of a show of her violence and fights to disarm rather than win. 

She’d still win though. 

“Why did you bring me out here?” he grinds out, still simmering with anger. 

Renee casts him an easy look and her eyes linger on his face for a breath before they’re back on the sky. “Andrew doesn’t need you trying to throttle him right now.” 

“Then why’d he do it?” Neil seethes.

“I don’t know,” Renee says. There’s a twinge in her voice, something sad, maybe mournful. After all, Neil isn’t the only one affected by this. She just ends up with the short stick of damage control while everyone else waits on the paramedics. They get to see Andrew alive and there’s something that sank in Neil’s chest when he found Andrew that tells him he’s dead. “Some questions don’t have answers.”

That doesn’t satisfy Neil but he doesn’t have any other scathing remarks for now. 

From up here they can see the ambulance parked outside Fox Tower, red and white lights flashes but sirens killed. He can make out Matt’s tall stature following the gurney as it’s wheeled to the back of the vehicle. Neil swears they hadn’t been up here that long but maybe he’s wrong. It was both a second and an age since his hands were on Andrew’s chest. 

He watches as Andrew is loaded into the ambulance and Dan climbs into the back after him, but not before she leans back and says something to Matt. Someone has to call Wymack. He won’t be happy. 

How could Neil have fucked up this badly? 

There’s no way something hadn’t happened. Andrew was fine. 

Renee breaks through his mental stewing. She’s looking up from where she had silently been checking her phone. “The others are going to follow to the hospital. Do you want to go with them?” 

Neil shakes his head fiercely. His words fail him. 

“That’s okay,” Renee amends and he has half a mind to snap at her for being so calm, so easy, so perfectly Renee-like when the worst was happening. 

Neil didn’t understand suicide. He’d never understood who would choose to die when he’d spent his whole life fighting tooth and nail to live just one more day. That kind of sick desperation was in his bones, and he thought Andrew had it too. So he didn’t understand this. 

He wanted to take a leaf from the other man’s book, to take him by the neck and pin him up until he got answers, fingers on Andrew’s bobbing throat as he explained why he’d done it. Why he’d tried to leave. Why he’d given up. 

“How are you so calm?” Neil asked, rather irritatedly. 

Renee turned back to him and flashed him a watery smile. “I’m not. You’re just two seconds from throwing yourself off this roof.” 

Neil bristled at that, taking offense. “I’m not.”

Shrugging, Renee stretched her legs out in front of her. “Could’ve fooled me.”

A beat of silence. Then another. 

“Coach is gonna kill him.” 

Renee let out a breath. The wind up here moved through the small hoops of her earrings at such an angle that they whistled. “I don’t think so.”

“He’s thrown the rest of the season away!” the anger was back, thricefold, nothing got Neil’s blood pumping like exy and it’s an easier line of fire than Andrew’s personal life. 

“There’s more important things in the world than exy, Neil.” 

“Will you take over in goal for him?” 

“I’ll give him whatever I can to help him recover.” 

Damn her perfect soul. Neil wants to wring his neck and Renee just wants to help him. 

Somewhere along the line in his life, Neil had gotten every single emotional wire crossed and it was no real secret that he didn’t react to things in any sort of ballpark that a normal person would. So here he was, seething while Renee picked at the lint on her jeans. 

“How do you do it?” Neil asks after a while. The ambulance is long gone, as well as Matt’s truck. Someone will have told Wymack by now and that meant the season was toast. 

Renee played dumb. “Do what?” 

“Not want to kill him all of the time.” 

“Practice,” she says. The smile she gives Neil then is genuine as far as he can tell. “Are you worried about the season or are you scared, Neil?” 

That stops him dead in his tracks. He opens his mouth and closes it without saying a word. Once. Twice. “I’m not scared.” 

Renee hums but looks at him with a knowing expression. “You’ve got to be a better liar for that one.” 

He wonders just when Renee got to be so much like Andrew. Was she always like this or did his rudeness rub off during their many sparring sessions? 

-

Neil doesn’t speak to anyone for the entire week Andrew is in the hospital. 

He doesn’t visit either, simply turns and walks off whenever someone suggests it. He didn’t want to talk about Andrew, nevertheless actually see him. He couldn’t get over the room, the feeling of Andrew’s still chest under his hands, the knowledge of how much force is required to fill someone else’s lungs from your own. 

He goes hard at practices. Probably too hard. He slammed ball after ball into the empty goal at last night’s practice with such force that his shoulder had popped and he hadn’t been able to put his arm down until Kevin called Abby and she put it back into its socket while Neil was lying and writhing on the floor of the inner court. So he was benched from today’s practice, especially since he refused to follow up with a doctor today. 

With his arm in a sling and Dan in as striker, Neil watched practice from the bench. He’d usually have been allocated to watching past games but Wymack not-so-subtly implied he didn’t want Neil out of his sight. Especially after he reprimanded him for pushing his body too hard in the middle of the night while Neil still couldn’t quite catch his breath. 

Thankfully they didn’t have a match for two more weeks. By then Andrew would be back on the court and hopefully Neil would be too. If Abby cleared him. 

Abby is picking Andrew up from the hospital while the Foxes practice and Neil is working up the nerve to ask Wymack if he can crash on his couch tonight. Still adamant he won’t speak to Andrew. Hell, he couldn’t even bear to look at him. 

Though he didn’t get a choice in that matter. 

Nicky is the one that alters the team to Andrew’s arrival, with a squawk, and a “Andrew!”, and the clatter of his racquet on the court. 

Andrew looked small. The fact of the matter is that although he is small, he doesn’t often look it. But here, with shrunken shoulders and a downcast gaze that wouldn’t even meet Nicky’s enthusiasm, Andrew looked a whole lot smaller than usual. 

Neil offers him a glance, a once over, before his eyes are in his lap or on his other teammates. Anywhere but Andrew. 

He’s wearing sweatpants and a grey hoodie that bulks out his silhouette and he has the same blank look on his face as always but something about him just looks wrong and Neil can’t stomach it. He can’t stomach much. 

“Good to see you,” Wymack says in his booming voice from next to Neil before he sets off to get closer to the small goalie. 

Neil’s feet stay firmly planted. He won’t look at Andrew, he can’t. It hurts too much. 

The team dissolve into babble as they fuss over their unwilling victim. Andrew would definitely be being threatened to be pulled into embraces no matter how much he fought. He scared everyone. 

The team in the locker room the day after he did it was sombre in a way Neil had only seen when Seth died. But unlike then, even Kevin looked like he was going to be sick with grief. Wymack had been firm with them as he tried to piece together some sort of roadmap that took them from a moody Andrew skipping practice to Neil’s hands forcing his heart to beat. But he didn’t get much, everyone was confused and Neil hadn’t said a word. 

Since then, someone had been tacked onto Neil to make sure he didn’t do something as equally stupid. He could almost laugh at how predictable it was. Andrew tried to kill himself so Neil was going to toss himself off a cliff next–how pathetic did they think he was? 

He didn’t meet them halfway though, he had just clamped down and refused to talk to any of them. Even when Aaron had his hands on Neil’s neck and squeezed, Neil just looked down his nose at the blond and let him try. 

So maybe Neil was suicidal. 

Or at least he wasn’t putting very much effort into being alive. He was either on the court or in bed and now he couldn’t be on the court so he was resigned to his silence on the bench. God he wished practice would end. He’d never wished for that before. 

“Josten,” Andrew snipes and Neil couldn’t help but lift his head. Andrew’s hazel eyes bore into him like tiny drills. They flicker from his face to his sling and back again before Andrew tilted his head in a slight motion. A silent question. One Neil had turned on him a week ago. What did you do?

Neil just shrugs, ignoring the twang in his shoulder and dropping his gaze. The court floor is especially interesting this time of year if Neil said so himself. 

Andrew doesn’t say anything further and his small stature is lost to the swarm of bodies.

The bench creaks when Wymack sits down next to him and claps a hand on his knee. “I know I’m no good as a listener but you have to talk sometime, boy.” 

“Can I crash at yours tonight?” 

There’s a lot left unsaid. Neil rooms with Andrew, this was him admitting that he couldn’t face the goalkeeper. A week apart and it hadn’t been enough to dull Neil’s rage. 

Wymack sighs but doesn’t argue. “You always can.” 

- 

Neil doesn’t spend just one night at Wymack’s. He spends three. 

He sneaks clothes from his room when he knows everyone else is at class and doesn’t bother saying anything when Kevin catches him on the second day, fifteen minutes after he was meant to be at his first class when Neil was pilfering pants from his stash to take back to Wymack’s before his morning lecture. 

It’s on the fourth day since his discharge from hospital that Andrew corners him.

He’s rounding the corner to his calculus class when someone grabs him by the throat. 

On instinct, he punches out with his right hand, the one attached to his previously dislocated shoulder and the pain rips the air from his lungs as he’s shoved up against the wall. For a moment he’s too caught up in the static in his fingers to realise it’s Andrew who has him pinned.

“What’s your damage?” Andrew seethes, pushing harder against Neil’s neck.

Neil gasps around the pressure but finds his words, grasping uselessly at Andrew’s shirt. “What’s your damage?” 

“He speaks,” Andrew says venomously. “I thought you didn’t do that anymore.”

Neil hisses. “I have nothing to say to you.”

“Don’t you?”

Neil doesn’t answer him. 

“I’m the one who fucking died and yet you’re the only ghost around here.”

He flinches at Andrew’s words and winces when Andrew presses him further into the wall, enough to move his shoulder at a weird angle and have him drop his grip on Andrew’s shirt from the lightning strike of pain shooting from his shoulder to his fingertips. “And who’s fault is that?” 

It’s Andrew’s turn to falter but any ease is quickly replaced by more pressure on Neil’s windpipe. He can’t take a breath now but he doesn’t give Andrew any indication that he has all the power here. “Don’t make my issues about you.” 

Neil can’t draw in any air to fuel his response so he just stares down at Andrew as his face undoubtedly gets more and more red from lack of oxygen. Maybe it matches his hair. 

Andrew keys into this after a while and loosens his grip. “You’re pathetic,” he spits. 

“And you’re selfish.” 

The grip tightens, Andrew pressing the heel of his palm dangerously against Neil’s windpipe until the younger man wheezes. “Don’t you dare,” he says murderously. 

Neil tries for another angle. A more raw one. It feels like peeling back his own skin to let the bite out of his voice. “You were dead, Andrew.” 

Hazel eyes flicker back and forth, scanning his face and finding no hostility, just the exposed nerve that was Neil Josten since his kinda-boyfriend tried to kill himself. “What’s it to you?” 

“I found you,” Neil says. The hand on his throat disappears and Andrew takes a step back with a shaky breath. “Do you know what it’s like to do CPR on someone?” 

Andrew blanches. “You didn’t…”

Neil steps forward, his pent up anger making him feel a lot braver and taller than he is. “I did.” 

That silences Andrew who staggers half a step back and drops his hands to his sides. “I-” his tongue darts out to lick his bottom lip, “I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t be sorry,” Neil leverages, “just don’t do it again.” 

Andrew gives him an aborted motion that could be mistaken for a nod before he turns on his heel and disappears down the corridor without another word. 

So much for reconciliation and answers, Neil would have to try again another day. He puts his injured arm back into the sling and picks up his bag. Giving a glance towards the door of the class he was now late for, Neil concedes to his whims and hightails in the opposite direction Andrew went in–off to the court.