#I think it handles the demons are fundamentally differently than people are pretty well

[frobby]

I don't really have any well crafted analysis of ake no tobari all I can say is it's very good and I like it

[krakensdottir]

This is, I think, the biggest obstacle in their relationship from Aziraphale's end. Crowley's obviously got a massive case of denial and difficulting expressing emotions other than anger and a slew of other baggage, but one thing he does seem to be pretty good at figuring out is what Aziraphale wants. You know, rescue, attention, stain removal... and the preservation of the books without Az even mentioning it, that's a huge clue. They don't have the same priorities, but Crowley at least knows what Aziraphale's priorities are.

But Aziraphale, I think, has a pretty poor idea of what Crowley wants. Another scene that makes this obvious is the Ball. People have said that the Ball was for Crowley. Well, kind of. It was about Crowley. But it was for Aziraphale, really. He's arranging the sort of romantic affair he wants. It's not what Crowley would want. If not for the interruption, I'm sure he would have played along, and been happy to indulge, but it wouldn't have been his first choice.

This is not to say that Aziraphale doesn't know Crowley at all. He's definitely picked up on some of the things he likes. ('Rescuing me makes him so happy.' Doesn't it just!) But he has a tendency to project himself onto people, and onto Crowley especially. He struggles to see other points of view in general, I think. Obliviousness is his superpower.

Of course it certainly doesn't help that Crowley rarely if ever expresses his own needs or wants. He's got to be the cool guy, after all. Doesn't really need anything. He's fine. Of course he's not fine, but you have to tell Aziraphale things like that. Aziraphale cannot take a hint. And Crowley damn well knows that. He'd have to be very open and direct if he needed something from him, and he does not do that, ever. He channels himself into giving Aziraphale what he wants instead of addressing his own issues, because he totally has a handle on those. (Sure you do, Crowley.)

The one thing Aziraphale has figured out about what Crowley needs, though, is that he's lonely. He's dead right about that. Lonely, and purposeless, and sometimes bummed about it. The problem is, Az then projects his own needs onto finding the solution. He wants validation from Heaven. He wants to feel like he's really serving God again. He wants back in the system, he just wants the system to be better. That would be lovely, wouldn't it? Just perfect.

And so he tries to give Crowley that. Just like the Ball, he gives Crowley what HE would want. And this time, that is a fatal error. Because with the Ball, again, it was just kind of not Crowley's thing, but barring demonic invasion, he could've rolled with it. Returning to Heaven, though, is a painful offer. It actively appalls Crowley. He recoils like he's been slapped. He'd have rather been slapped. It's why that scene hurts so much to watch. Aziraphale is being incredibly sweet to him, trying so hard to make him happy... and it's the worst thing he could possibly do to him. God, it's awful. It's amazing. This conflict could not have been better engineered, because both of them are so valid here. They're just fundamentally different people who want fundamentally different things. Aziraphale misread the room, as he is wont to do, but more fatally than usual. Crowley reacts poorly, as he is wont to do, and this time no apology dance will fix it.

(And god yes to everything about Crowley not letting himself get attached and effectively perpetuating his own loneliness. So true. It's been a safety mechanism for most of his existence as a demon, but it's something he will absolutely have to push through now, because Aziraphale can't be his only lifeline. He's got to have purpose. He's got to let himself care about the things he's always struggled - and failed - to not care about. Feeding peas to ducks and escorting the guests to safety was a start. I'd love to see that continue.)

Aziraphale as a natural collectivist and Crowley as a natural individualist raise their beautiful heads once again!

Aziraphale's huge mistake during the Final Fifteen is, obviously, as we've rehashed a lot, assuming Crowley would accept being reappointed as an angel. This isn't out of a lack of love for Crowley as a demon. It's because Aziraphale's first instinct when he's anxious is to look toward validation from a collective of some sort...and the Metatron has just reminded him of what Heaven could "offer" as that collective. A way to do good! Safety! Openness! He doesn't consider how Crowley will feel about this in large part because thinking individualistically doesn't come naturally to him; he's so busy thinking about the joy of Belonging that he doesn't consider how much Crowley values being outside the system - indeed, that it's an essential part of him.

Crowley's mistake, I think, is arguing that it can be very literally "just the two of us." Of course they can be a couple! Aziraphale wants that. He's happy with Crowley as his most unique, enduring, intimate connection. But just as Crowley's individuality is essential to him, Aziraphale is always going to need some cause to serve, somewhere to belong. That's who he is. And he loves Crowley so much that he wants, with utter desperation, for the two of them to belong in the same place, with the same people.

As I've said before, Aziraphale's sense of individuality is growing. He wants to be an individual, not just a faceless, passionless drone in a group of other drones. I think ultimately the reason he loves Crowley so much is that's the gift Crowley's given him - the safety to explore that thing he wants so badly. He needs, I hope, to reframe himself as "belonging" to Earth, rather than to Heaven.

And Crowley does not actually want to be isolated, adrift in the universe with just one other person. He wants to put down roots. He wants to belong somewhere. I think if you had to choose a reason why he loves Aziraphale, that would be it: Crowley can feel belonging with Aziraphale, and Aziraphale also gives him opportunities to connect with others - with humans, specifically - in ways that would ordinarily never be permitted for an agent of Hell. However, he's afraid to make his connection to Earth's community irrevocable, and his fear has always been entirely reasonable, both because it puts his and Aziraphale's safety at risk and because it's heartbreaking to watch what humans do to themselves and each other ("Humans. You don't let yourself get too attached."). He'll have to overcome those fears not because they're so wrong, but just because they're in the way of what he wants.

[dream-a-little-bigger-x]

Chapter 1 -- Perfect Harmony | Charlie Gillespie

Summary: Emily Fox is a talented 17-year-old with a passion for all things music. Her dream is to become a successful singer-songwriter one day. But to achieve that dream, she needs to get into one of the most prestigious music schools in her district – it’s all been part of her plan since she was six. Sadly enough, those schools cost a ton of money that her parents don’t want to invest. They don’t even want her to pursue her dream. So, now Emily’s hustling, working at the music store to save up to get into college. That’s until she meets Charlie, an annoying seventeen-year-old boy with the same dream as her. The only difference is, he’s just doing it. He doesn’t need a fancy college to pursue his dream to become famous with his band. He just writes his songs and books small gigs here, there and everywhere. Will meeting Charlie defer her from her dream college, or will he actually help her achieve the dream? 

Pairing: Charlie Gillespie x OC (Emily Fox) 

Warnings: mentions of death, the characters of Charlie, Owen, Jeremy and Madison are based on the characters they play on the show and i do not own their names, only OC are mine. The songs aren’t mine either, they’re all from the show except for one. 

Chapter One

~|Emily Fox| ~

As a seventeen-year-old, you should not be left to your devices. Unless you have no other choice. When you have a dream your parents have called unrealistic without ever listening to what you were actually capable of, you have no other choice but to move out and fend for yourself. Thankfully, I can stay with Uncle Mitch for a while until I’m off to college.  Since leaving my parents’ house at fourteen, my life has consisted of high school, working at the music store, write songs – if I have the time –, help Uncle Mitch around the house, sleep, repeat. It’s been a chore. But I just about manage. 

“Please, don’t touch the guitars without a supervisor, ma’am!” I say loudly from across the shop as I catch her hands rising up to pick up one of the acoustic guitars hanging on the wall for display. I rush over to her, dodging clients testing out guitars and pianos I’ve helped before. While the forty-something woman stares at me with an intense glare, I pick up the Gibson guitar for her and hand it over, offering her my fakest smile. “This one’s a nice one!” I tell her as she handles the guitar very clumsily, nearly dropping it. “What do you know about guitars?” she snarls at me. “Well, for starters, I work here, so I’m supposed to have some knowledge about guitars. Secondly, this is a bass guitar. Never just call a bass a guitar.” The woman rolls her eyes and when she casts her gaze on the strings, I roll mine. I’ve had my share of forty-something old women coming in here to buy something for their spoiled little sons, pretending they know more about guitars of any kind, pianos and drums while I have been brought up listening to Uncle Robert talking non-stop about all of his instruments. He taught me how to play each and every one of the instruments and brought me into the world of rock. If he were still here, I wouldn’t be working in a music store, trying to pay for my own apartment or my college tuition. He believed in me from the second he heard me sing and play piano. He still believes in me, I can feel it. Staying with Uncle Mitch – Uncle Robert’s husband, now widower, has been a lot more healing than it would’ve been if I still lived at my parents’. “I know that,” she grumbles, then looks back up at me. “If you know so much about everything, you little know-it-all, why don’t you tell me something more about this one?” I refrain myself from rolling my eyes again, and instead ball up my fists to put all of my anger there. “This is the Les Paul Junior Tribute DC bass. It’s actually a tribute to the historic Gibson EB-0 bass from the late 50's, but with modern features. The short scale length is actually chosen by many for its strong fundamental tone and sits perfectly in a track when recording. The mahogany double cutaway body and maple neck with rosewood fingerboard balances perfectly when playing either sitting or strapped on. It's equipped with a single expanded range LP BassBucker pickup with single volume and tone controls for simplicity. The volume pot has a push-pull feature to coil tap the pickup scooping the mids for further tone shaping possibilities.” I’ve explained this many a times, so it almost sounds as if I’ve learned it by heart. “Oh! And it comes in four different finishes; Worn Ebony, Worn Cherry, Blue Stain and Worn Brown.” The woman looks at me, clearly impressed at my knowledge of the bass in her hands. I’m pretty sure I could’ve told her anything and she would’ve believed me. “I want to speak to the manager,” she then says and pushes the bass guitar back in my hands as if handling a cardboard box. If my reflexes weren’t what they are now, we would’ve had a broken bass and I would be the one that had to pay for it. “What for?” I ask, my anger slipping through into a vicious snarl. “Just because you learn everything by heart, doesn’t mean you’re a good salesperson.” I open my mouth to say something, but I know I can’t win against a Karen. So, instead, I plaster on my best fake smile and say “Of course, give me a second.” I turn on my heel and make my way back to the cash register to get Ash, my manager who’s been nothing but an absolute gem to me. She wasn’t looking for any employees, but still hired me when she saw how desperate I was and how good I was with the instruments. She even lets me write songs after hours. “Karen alert?” Ash asks when she sees my annoyed face, at the brim of exploding. “Yep, at the bass guitars,” I tell her and take her spot to handle a paying costumer. Ash hops over the counter and makes her way to the Karen at the bass guitars. Only for her to leave the store in an angered rush without any bass guitar for her precious son. “That’s 44 dollars and 97 cents, please,” I tell the guy who’d come in for guitar strings, picks and some polish. He looks about my age. Dark hair gelled back, green almond-shaped eyes and rosy cheeks. He hands me the cash with a cute, nervous smile. “Thank you! And here’s the three cents change,” I hold out my hand for him to take the three cents, but he shakes his head. “Keep it,” he winks at me before grabbing his purchases and leaving the store. Leaving me all flustered and blushing. I hate when cute boys come to the shop and have the audacity to do this stuff to me. UGH. “Got rid of our Karen,” Ash tells me, “You can get back out there. I think the little girl over there at the piano could use some of your expertise.” She points to a fourteen-year-old gliding her fingers along the big wing of the white piano in the middle of our store. “Hi,” I say as I approach her, making her jump slightly. “Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you. I’m Emily. Can I help you?” She scans my face for a moment, as if assessing whether or not I’m trustworthy. I guess she decides she does when she opens her mouth and four simple words flow out of it. “Do you play piano?” I’m a bit taken aback by the question. None of the costumers have ever asked me that question. “Yes, I do, actually,” I reply honestly. “I want to learn how to play the piano, but my mother doesn’t allow me. Says it’s too expensive. The piano, that is. And lessons are expensive too, she says.” She stops talking for a moment as if thinking about what to say next. “Will you teach me?” “Oh,” I manage to bring out, “I—we don’t really offer any piano lessons in the store. We just sell them.” Her eyes water and she visibly swallows a lump in her throat. “Okay…” she whimpers, making my heart break just that bit more. “Will you play me a song though? I love hearing people play.” I take a deep breath as I think about how to turn this girl down. But then I remember my parents turning me and my dreams down. “Sure, I can play you a song. Any requests?” I ask as I sit down on the stool in front of us, patting beside me to invite her too. “Surprise me,” she says, shaking her head with a big smile on her face. I carefully touch the keys as I think of a song to sing. Once I’ve figured that out, I begin to play the right melody and then chime in with the lyrics I’d written with Uncle Robert when he was still alive. The song I cherish the most and wouldn’t share with anyone. But this girl reminds me too much of myself, and I think she might take something from the message. “Here's the one thing I want you to know You got someplace to go Life's a test, yes But you go toe to toe You don't give up, no, you grow.” The girl looks up at me with big Bambi eyes, urging me to continue. “And you use your pain Cause it makes you you Though I wish I could hold you through it I know it's not the same You got living to do And I just want you to do it So get up, get out, relight that spark You know the rest by heart” As I begin the chorus, I hear drums backing me up from somewhere inside the store, and when I look around, I find Ash behind a drum set with a smile on her face as she helps me out a little. “Wake up, wake up, if it's all you do Look out, look inside of you It's not what you lost, it's what you'll gain Raising your voice to the rain Wake up your dream and make it true Look out, look inside of you It's not what you lost Relight that spark Time to come out of the dark Wake up, wake up” By now, Ash and I have gained an audience. Most of the costumers in line don’t even mind having to wait to pay until we’re done with this outburst of ours. “Better wake those demons, just look them in the eye No reason not to try Life can be a mess, I won't let it cloud my mind I'll let my fingers fly” The girl next to me still has the same expression on her face. Eyes pooled with admiration and inspiration. Exactly the reason why I make music and why it’s been a dream of mine to make a career out of it. “And I use the pain 'cause it's part of me And I'm ready to power through it Gonna find the strength, find the melody 'Cause you showed me how to do it Get up, get out, relight that spark You know the rest by heart” I go for the chorus again, and then pop in with the bridge. The one I added to uncle’s song. The costumers in the store stare at Ash and me with smiles on their faces whilst swaying along to the song. “So wake that spirit, spirit I wanna hear it, hear it No need to fear it, you're not alone You're gonna find your way home” I close my eyes as I hit that high note, then stop playing for a second whilst starting the chorus for the last time. Even Ash backs me up with some backing vocals after having heard the chorus a couple of times already. “Wake up, wake up, if it's all you do” The both of us pick up the melody again, putting more power behind the rest of the song. “Look out, look inside of you It's not what you lost, it's what you'll gain Raising your voice to the rain Wake up your dream and make it true Look out, look inside of you When you're feeling lost Relight that spark Time to come out of the dark Wake up, wake up” I hit the last couple of notes on the piano before a roar of applause and cheers fills up the entire store. The fourteen-year-old beside me is clapping the loudest of them all. Her eyes still wide and admiring and full of life. “What’s your name?” I ask the girl, causing her to stop clapping. “Kayla,” she replies. “Listen to me, Kayla. Even if your parents don’t agree with your big dreams, please, never give up on your dream! If this is really what you want to do, go for it. You’ll find a way, I promise you.” A tear rolls down her pink cheek as her bottom lip trembles slightly. “Don’t give up, okay?” She nods her head vigorously. “Thank you, Emily!” she wraps her arms around me into a tight hug before hopping off the stool and rushing out the store. As I watch her run out, my eyes land on a guy. Somewhat my age, I think. I can’t really function for a second as his hazel eyes stare at me and with his mouth curled up on one side. When I finally manage to move again, my eyes scan him entirely. His brown hair sticks out from underneath an orange beanie, his nose fine and cheekbones defined. He’s wearing a flannel shirt over a grey muscle tank and ripped black jeans. I give him an awkward smile before heading back to the cash register. “Can you do register for a moment? I need to check something in stock,” Ash asks me, and I simply nod before helping the next costumer. After the fifth costumer, the boy who’d been staring at me before shows up in front of me. “How can I help?” I ask with my best customer service-smile. “By giving your number,” he replies coyly. I was going to give him the cute boy card until those words came out of his mouth. “Sorry, my number ain’t for sale,” I reply and look behind him, “Next!” “Oh, no, sorry! Uhm, I don’t mean it like that, I—” Before he can mutter another word, I interrupt him. “Are you going to purchase something, bro?” He opens his mouth, then closes it again, looking like a goldfish. “Uhm… No… I just—” I interrupt him again. “Next customer, please,” I stare at him intensely, hoping that’d chase him away. He knocks on the counter before moving away, clearly defeated by the rejection. I can’t believe douchebags like him still exists in this generation. People need to learn manners. “Hi, how can I help you?” I ask the next customer, bringing back my best smile. Just got to move on, just as I moved on from dealing with a Karen again today. Best way to do that, is focus on all the other customers. For the rest of my shift, I have not been able to shake the cute-but-rude guy from before. There’s something about him that haunts me still and I can’t seem to figure out what it is. Not even when I’m focusing on cleaning up the store. As I’m dusting the piano, I hear the bell above the door ring. “Sorry, we’re closed!” I yell without looking up from the piano. “Are you going to play again?” The voice sends shivers down my spine as it takes me right back to that one douchey line it uttered just a mere hour before. “Again, we are closed, sorry.” This time it comes out more like a snarl and with a bit of poison. The boy in front of me chuckles and holds his hands up in defeat. “Listen, I’m sorry about before, but—” he steps closer to me, but I hold up my finger to make him stop, and it seems to help as he simply freezes in place. “But the store is closed. Goodbye now.” I go back to dusting off the piano and wait for the bell to ring again, but it doesn’t. Instead, the sound of guitar strums reaches my ears. “You can’t touch any of the guitars without supervision,” I tell him sternly, but when I meet his eyes and they’re looking at me intently as if urging me to do something. “You’re supervising me, aren’t you?” he asks cockily, still stroking the strings, creating a beautiful melody that fills up my head. “What do you want?” I ask bitterly, looking at him again, and hoping it would make him leave faster. “For you to sing.” “Sing what?” He shrugs, leaving me to wonder what he means by that. “I have a lot of work to do, dude. Please, leave,” I sound pathetic, nearly begging him to leave. I’m only a step away from begging on my knees. The sound of the guitar abruptly stops when I go back to cleaning the piano. “Listen, I just wanted to tell you that what you did earlier today was amazing. You know, not a lot of people have the power you have. Did you see what you did to all those people in here? Imagine doing that for thousands of people! Have you ever thought of that?” I turn to look at him, suddenly having the urge to tell him everything. Then I remember what a douchebag he really is. “I don’t have time for this. Please. Leave!” I shout at him before heading towards the cash register to start counting the money. It’s silent for a while until the bell over the door breaks it. I let out a breath I didn’t even know I was holding. This boy did something to me without me even realizing it. Nope. Can’t trust boys. They don’t do anything but break hearts and be douchebags. But this one somehow seemed different. No other boy has ever left such an impression as he did. And I didn’t even have a proper conversation with him. I just hope I don’t have to see him. Like ever again.  

[fuhadeza]

help I had some thoughts

she-ra is kind of a unique show. I struggle to think of anything else meant to appeal to that wide an age range: there are toddlers enjoying this show! I think that’s pretty cool, but I also think that it causes some tension in how we (as adults, or older teenagers) interpret the show. let me explain what I mean.

some things in the show are clearly there because it’s a kid’s show. would an adult version of she-ra have swift wind the rainbow talking comic relief unicorn? no. (and it’s probably why a lot of us don’t particularly care for him.) on the other end of the spectrum, we have things like the show’s depiction of abuse, which it handles in a nuanced and mature fashion. the tension happens when we get to the bits in between. let’s take the invasion of salineas in season four as an example.

what do we think of when we see that last shot of salineas in flames? death. genocide. the horrors of war. but that’s not what actually happens in the show. all we see are burning buildings, and then in the next episode civilians being rescued and taken to safety. duh: this is a kid’s show! we can’t show everyone dying. but the thing is, we have to accept that as true. for the emotional narrative to make sense, we have to believe that no one was actually hurt in that attack. think about how mermista reacts in the next episode: with bubble baths and ice cream. it’s even played for comedy at times. that’s not the reaction of someone whose home has just been wiped off the face of the earth, whose people have been decimated. instead, the show takes the opportunity to show a character exercising self-care and bouncing back when she’s ready.

and that’s the thing: she-ra is not a show about war. it’s not a show about genocide or imperialism. those elements are all present, and they’ve all been explored very well in fanfiction, but they’re not the fundamental themes. instead, moreso than any other show I can think of, it’s about characters and interpersonal relationships. those things are explored in all sorts of ways, including, symbolically, through acts of war that, in an adult show, would have much deeper and darker implications. it can do that because, in a world where no one ever dies, where magic exists, it’s never in doubt that salineas will be back, good as new, by the end of the show.

this isn’t an indictment. it’s not a bad thing. it’s just different, and people who grew up watching atla and lok (both shows that are aimed at older viewers than the lower end of she-ra’s range) might not be used to it. atla and lok do handle a lot of dark material very well. she-ra takes the opposite approach: almost everything is in service to character, to relationships, the salvageable and the unsalvageable. the darkest parts of the show are, consistently, shadow weaver’s manipulations of the main cast. what she-ra does, it does extremely well, and what it doesn’t do isn’t a failing but a choice.

this is why we can so easily forgive scorpia, even though she’s complicit in everything the horde has done. this is why we can forgive entrapta, even though she spends most of the show literally inventing more and more destructive weapons. this is why we can forgive glimmer, even though in season four her arc is about trying to set off a weapon of mass destruction. and this is why we’ll be able to forgive catra. don’t expect her to account for her “war crimes” (and please, I beg you, don’t throw that term around). she won’t, because that’s not how the show thinks. that’s not how its emotional narrative works. what she will do is mend the bridges she’s burnt. fix the relationships she’s discarded. outgrow the demons that chased her to rock bottom. and that will be enough.

I have every faith that season five is going to deliver on everything the previous seasons have promised, so long as we take it in good faith and don’t expect things the show simply isn’t designed to deliver.

[murasaki-murasame]

Thoughts on Higurashi Gou Ep15

*bonk*

Actual thoughts under the cut, lol [Plus Umineko spoilers]

lmao where do I even begin with this episode.

In a lot of ways this is really reminding me of why Gou seems to be so polarizing with people, especially with old fans. Even after this episode I’m still on the side of really liking it.

On the one hand I think it’s been a good thing that Gou has had less focus on gore and violence compared to the original anime [and the VN to a lesser extent], but on the other hand I think this episode actually worked really well, specifically because of how relatively devoid of on-screen gore the first three arcs were. It makes this episode stand out way more when it’s such a step in intensity above everything that came before it.

But other than the sheer violence and horror of it all, and how off-putting that is to a lot of people, I think part of why it’s so polarizing is that this episode also has a dark comedy vibe to it, where the show is totally aware of how over the top it all is. I can see why this sort of tone might not work at all for a lot of people, and might seem outright disrespectful towards Rika as a character and the Vn in general, but I enjoyed it, since I like this sort of humour.

I also don’t think it’s that weird at all for Ryukishi to embrace the potential for dark comedy through violence. There’s already some elements of that in Umineko.

It’s also pretty obvious that the entire point of these loops was to show how Rika is getting killed almost immediately, before she has any real time to think or strategize or investigate. So I think it was necessary for us to go through it so fast in order to properly put us in Rika’s shoes as she goes through this almost rapid-fire series of comically abrupt and tragic deaths. I don’t really think that dragging this part out over more episodes would have worked as well because of that.

I do have some issues with how we’ve seen so little to do with Rika actually trying to investigate stuff, but I still like how this episode was handled.

Anyway, this does give us more clues about what’s going on with the overall mystery, both in terms of what was shown, and what wasn’t shown across these loops.

The only info we really get in each of these loops is that some seemingly random person goes fully L5 and kills Rika [and usually lots of other people as well], and that it’s happening at a way faster pace than it ever happened before. But on the other hand, there’s still no real references made to the GHD [aside from Kimiyoshi talking about the swamp gas, which isn’t quite the same thing], and Takano and Tomitake weren’t mentioned or shown at all. Same with Irie, I guess. The way that people seem to keep going L5 extremely quickly, along with the references to parasites and whatnot, feels like it’s a result of Takano injecting people with the syringe she used on Tomitake originally, and/or giving people her notes about the virus like she did with Rena in Tsumihoroboshi. But the weird thing about that is that Takano hasn’t killed Tomitake with that syringe yet in Gou, and the way these loops play out just doesn’t really feel like it matches her whole MO.

If we go with the idea that everything with her is exactly the same as it is in the vN, then the Kimiyoshi loop in particular is weird, because having Rika get dumped in the swamp would make it very hard for Takano to execute the GHD. Maybe she just didn’t plan for it to play out that way, but that’d be a kinda lame answer. This also reminds me of Rika getting dumped in the septic tank in Watadamashi, which was another murder method that seemed like it’d risk having her body only be found more than two days after she died.

There’s also the fact that in the other loops, Rika’s death isn’t set up in a way to make it look like it’s some sort of ritualistic part of the curse. This is probably less important, but Takano did apparently always set Rika’s body up at the shrine in the arcs where she kills her, because part of her whole plan was to have Rika’s death play into the curse narrative. But in basically every loop in Gou thus far, Rika’s just died in random ways, and usually there’s been obvious human culprits who killed her. So it just doesn’t really feel like Takano’s work, even though she seems like the obvious person to be setting up all these random killers.

She also only ever used that syringe on Tomitake to kill him at the festival. I don’t think she ever used it on someone with the intent of using them to kill Rika, so that’s another way in which the whole method of the ‘mastermind’ feels different to Takano. If anything it seems kinda overly complicated for Takano to do it this way, and to do it with different people each time, instead of just killing Rika herself like she does in the VN. Her whole character is defined by her unwavering will, and her desire to achieve her own dreams for herself, so having Rika get killed ‘indirectly’ in an almost randomized way seems very weird if we assume she’s still behind it. If anything, it reminds me a lot more of how the ‘roulette’ works in Umineko, lol.

In general this episode really hammered in the fact that whoever’s behind all this seems to be going out of their way to screw with Rika, and that they’re maybe acting on the fly in response to Rika’s actions, and choosing what options they think will mess with her the most in each arc. I might be wrong about that, but considering how much they seem to be leaning into this being a Bern origin story, and Featherine literally showing up in the OP, I can totally imagine that the motive of the mastermind this time is pretty much just pure sadism.

Even though Featherine is probably the one who made this new gameboard to begin with, I wouldn’t be surprised if this ends up being more like a game between Bern and Lambda, where Lambda is just toying with Bern by sticking her in this seemingly hopeless loop that’s designed to drive her to despair.

Gou still runs the risk of going off the deep end in a bad way if it leans that hard into the Umineko connections, but this whole turn of events is REALLY making this feel like a Bern origin story. And tbh I still think that any Umineko connections will end up being explained well enough within the context of Gou on it’s own that you won’t have to read all of Umineko to understand it. It’s entirely possible that they could touch upon the meta stuff in a way that’s framed more around Higurashi’s whole aesthetic, and never mention concepts like witches and gameboards. They could just frame it all in terms of gods, demons, loopers, fragments, etc. Which would help make it more digestible for people who haven’t read Umineko.

Anyway, now that we’re down to just one more loop before Rika decides to end it all, my guess is that the last two episodes of this arc will cover her ‘final loop’, but then one way or another we’ll get one more loop covering one big final arc. I’m not sure exactly how it’ll play out, but I think that either something will happen in the next loop to give her new hope to keep going, or she’ll end up being unable to actually go through with killing herself. Like, maybe she’ll use the sword fragment on herself and it won’t actually succeed in killing her permanently, or maybe at the start of the loop after the next one she’ll go to the shrine to retrieve the sword fragment only to find that it’s not even there in that loop. And since we already technically had Rika gaining a new burst of hope to keep going earlier in this arc, I’m leaning more towards the option of her trying to kill herself and being unable to. But we’ll see.

With how these last loops went, it really makes me wonder how Rika would even be able to figure anything out about the mystery with just one more loop. The mastermind seems determined to kill her as quickly as possible now, and it feels like she’s already become resigned to her fate. Especially with what happened with Akasaka, I don’t think she’s going to bother putting any real effort into reaching out to anyone in the next loop.

If the next arc is just one big answer arc to tie everything together, I assume that by the end of this arc we’ll know who the mastermind is. Which at this point probably has something to do with Satoko, one way or another.

This is also making me more convinced that Gou will just be 24 episodes and not have a second season or anything. After the whole ‘five more loops’ thing I thought maybe we’d get a second season, but now that they just straight up speed ran through four of them, that seems way less likely, lol. It’s possible that things will take a total left turn after this, and we’ll still get a second season with it’s own set of arcs, but it seems less likely now.

But on the other hand I still wonder how the next arc would be able to answer everything, especially from the perspective of new fans. There’s still stuff like Rena and Shion’s backstories that haven’t really been touched upon at all yet, and we still need to get answers about what went down in the first three arcs. I guess they might not each get their own full answer arcs, but there’s still only so much time left.

I guess it’s entirely possible that they just won’t bother explaining everything, especially in terms of backstory stuff, but that’s feel kinda disappointing. So I’d want a second season if only just to give them more time to go over the answers.

The fact that they’re still not doing much of anything with Takano and Tomitake also still makes me wonder even more if they’re going to bother getting into their whole deal in Gou, and all the exposition that would require. If we don’t get a second season then it really doesn’t feel like there’d be enough time for all that, on top of everything else that needs to be explained.

But I still think that Takano’s role in this is fundamentally different to the VN, so I think they’ll just side-step that whole issue entirely. I dunno if she’ll be completely irrelevant, but her role might require a lot less time spent on her backstory and development than what happened in the VN.

Though really at this point it seems pretty obvious that the whole climax and end goal of Gou is gonna be totally different to the VN, so I doubt they’re just gonna speedrun the events of Matsuribayashi in the last arc or something. If anything, the Akasaka loop kinda felt like an intentional hint toward the idea that he’s not going to be Rika’s savior again like in the VN, so the whole final arc will probably be different.

I don’t think anyone can say for sure how this will all end, but if this really is some kind of Bern origin story, then I think it’ll end with Rika giving into despair. Or maybe if I’m right about the meta framing of Gou as a whole, Rika will figure out that this is all just fiction, and she’ll just return to the ‘real world’ like when you realize that you’re dreaming and it makes you wake up. Which might be a kinda unsatisfying way to end this, but I’d be very surprised if we get a genuinely happy ending out of this.

Also, if this is setting up for some kind of Umineko anime remake, then it might make a lot more sense for this to have an abrupt and ‘inconclusive’ ending. Which would definitely piss a lot of people off, but since I really want an Umineko anime remake I’d be happy about it, lol.

Anyway, another thing I wanna mention is that this episode is really highlighting how we just haven’t really gotten definitive proof yet about if Rika actually knows about Takano and the GHD and whatnot. The whole concept of this seemingly unwinnable loop feels kinda strange when we haven’t even seen her do anything about Takano. And the idea that she’s just been doing that off-screen is feeling more and more unsatisfying as time goes on. But either way, if she knows that Takano’s behind everything, then surely that should give her a concrete goal to try and overcome. And it’s not like the events of each loop thus far necessarily contradict the idea of Takano being behind it all again [even though I think she isn’t], since Rika should know about Takano’s ability to artificially push people to go L5. She should also know that Takano’s the one who pushes the whole parasite idea onto people, like Rena in Tsumihoroboshi.

This still might just be iffy writing caused by Gou trying to have it’s cake and eat it too by getting into Rika’s POV without spoiling that whole plot point for new fans, but that’d just kinda suck at this point. I much prefer the idea that this version of Rika doesn’t actually know what’s going on with Takano, since it’d explain her apparent passivity towards her, and why she seems to be at a complete loss for what to do in these loops.

Also, on the whole note of the potential Umineko connections, this whole episode really reminded me of ep5 of Umineko, where Lambda sets up a ‘game without love’ where she violates the heart of the story while still having everyone do things that they’re technically capable of doing. It kinda feels like the mastermind is really just treating this like a game where their goal is to mentally break down Rika, and they’re messing around with exploiting as many different pieces as possible to see what they can do. It also reminds me of Bern saying at the end of Matsuribayashi that she wanted to go find a fragment where Akasaka went evil, lol. In general it just has a very ‘witch-y’ sort of vibe to it, in terms of the apparent sadism and random cruelty.

Bern also spent all of Umineko ep7 going out of her way to tear out the guts of the story for the sake of cruelty, so it’s pretty fitting that this sort of thing is happening to Rika here, lol.

Anyway, I really don’t know what to expect from the rest of this arc, let alone the next one, but I’m still enjoying this a whole lot.

[janiedean]

I was wondering what you feel about the opinion that GRRM hates feminine/non-warrior women because they (Catelyn, Cersei, Sansa) are written with intentional flaws while his warrior girls (Brienne, Arya) are not? Do you agree with that? That Brienne and Arya have no flaws? It was some dumb meta about how the world is against Brienne, but she never does harm to the world, so she's a bad character and GRRM is a misogynist or something. (1/2)

I disagree obviously. Just because Brienne is not a demon doesn't mean she doesn't have flaws or she's a bad character lol. Like... why can't we have an angel in a world of monsters? What's wrong with that? Are these people jealous that Brienne is one of those pure character that their faves are not, so they feel like dismissing her as a bad character to make themselves feel good? I'm asking you because I know you love Catelyn and Brienne so I know you're the best person to ask this. Ty (2/2)

... I mean this has a long answer to give but this *meta* seems to me like it was written by someone who has no idea what they’re talking about when it comes to who grrm hates in his writing or his supposed misogyny because they have it all wrong and I think you pretty much guessed the point, but in order, let’s... tackle this one by one:

grrm doesn’t at all hate cat and sansa and their flaws are... flaws in the sense that he’s writing them like good people who aren’t 100% perfect but like.. sansa’s *flaws* from the beginning are stuff that’s common to most 12yo girls in existence and she overcomes them and she’s generally a good and kind and caring person whose main trait is that she’s good and kind and stays like that so how exactly now she’s written... like you’re supposed to hate her? bc she’s not. grrm never wanted you to hate sansa. he wrote her like a realistic 11-15yo but like most of us were like that at that age or have had friends who were like that, so... what the fuck. catelyn.... like guys the one heavy flaw she has is her treatment of jon but she’s written as a smart person who’s trying to live in a misogynistic society as best as she can and she’s written like a tragic character but grrm obviously likes her/loves writing her, it’s.... like if you read her chapters you can see how much work/love/craft went into them and how he worked on her bg very carefully also she is more of a protagonist than ned until asos when it comes to the stark side like.... how is giving her human flaws meaning he hates her?? grrm doesn’t hate her. the fact that she and brienne end up doing the knightly/lady sworn sword thing is even more of a proof he doesn’t but more on that later;

cersei... well I mean grrm obv doesn’t like cersei that much but a) he’s written a version of that character at least thrice already including the asoiaf one so I think he has an ex like that that he doesn’t particularly remember fondly or smth but like... she’s written to be a villain. she’s a villain. she’s a very well-crafted/thought out villain with a realistic background but diff. from cat and sansa she’s there to be the antagonist period, and just like... cersei and cat are aesthetically the same archetype and they couldn’t be more different so idk wtf are people smoking when saying that and if they can’t read cat chapters without fandom-hates-her glasses idk what to tell them;

brienne and arya have flaws are we serious, like arya has the flaws everyone has at that age (too impulsive/tends to judge people very fast/is too fixed on things/doesn’t listen to people etc) but like she’s fucking nine when it starts and she gets traumatized to hell and back, like arya’s sl to me is creepy af because no 12yo should be like that and it’s a very good trauma exploration but like....... she has faults but she’s not a bad person for obvious reasons as in SHE’S A KID same as sansa same as EVERYONE UNDERAGE IN THESE BOOKS except partially joffrey and even he has a background that explains how he is, like.... arya and sansa are supposed to be written in an equally sympathetic but specular way because they have opposite ways of reacting to trauma ie sansa holds on to her kindness arya gets progressively detached because she has to kill people to survive but you’re not supposed to hate either of them? honestly grrm wrote them with the exact same stakes, anyone who thinks it’s qualitatively different needs to go back and reread it with some intellectual honestly;

brienne... I mean we serious? the thing with brienne is that she’s a fundamentally good person who is written to become the ultimate example of a good knight™ and who is supposed to restore decency to the title after the institution has crumpled into the dirt, so... she’s... good, same as dunk is in the novels, but like: lmao she has a lot of faults, first thing that at the beginning she judges everyone on sight and sees everything in black and white, she has zero preservation instinct and nonexisting selfesteem because she thinks her life isn’t worth her vows and she thinks she’s not fit for anything she tries to do and would have died for a guy who danced with her once like sorry that’s not healthy, which are all things,... she’s... getting over.... because she has a character arc, but saying that brienne isn’t realistic or doesn’t have faults is ridiculous because she is;

now, this concept that grrm is misogynist is idiotic because a guy who has an insane number of female povs - some of which are the same trope ie brienne and arya - and have all a distinct different personality and voice and none of them are like too idealized or too evil and are to a level relatable means he’s everything but because a misogynyst wouldn’t be able to pull that off. like, in any other book brienne and arya would have been the same character, in his they’re not, so maybe like... give him some credit in the sense that the moment half of your povs are well-written realistic female characters and the ones without povs are equally well-written/manage to be fan faves (ie marg and olenna) maybe he’s just... not... a misogynist nor hates women so that’s out of the way;

re cat and brienne: like... saying ‘ah he hates catelyn’ when catelyn is literally the first *lady* who treats brienne like a friend/peer/person she cares about is completely fucking idiotic because guess what if you’re like brienne usually most Attractive Girls™ the way cat is are not your best friends in life (I mean c. calls her a cow and they didn’t even meet on paper lmao and it’s obvious from b’s povs that she has bad experiences with other women in general), so the fact that cat actually sees her worth, accepts her as her sworn sword doing a thing that’s usually just between men, trusts her with her daughters’ lives, thinks she’s a better knight than jaime could be and treats her as it befits her station (in riverrun she had dresses made for her but brienne wouldn’t wear them) and is actually good to one of the few good people in these books who gets treated like dirt by most others should tell you exactly what grrm thinks of catelyn, ie nothing too bad, and that she’s a good person who fucked up on one thing that the narrative knows and doesn’t excuse, but like.... lmao that entire argument falls flat just for that;

Are these people jealous that Brienne is one of those pure character that their faves are not, so they feel like dismissing her as a bad character to make themselves feel good? you’re on to smth but as I ranted on twitter once: this all falls again to the fact that people Cannot Accept The Fact That An Ugly Girl Who Is Going To Stay Ugly is one of the moral hearts of these series and is An Actual Good Person Who Deserves Good Things in spite of not performing femininity, and who’s going to get the guy of her dreams (who is Hot) without settling and without becoming beautiful, and she’ll manage to realize her dreams even without becoming beautiful and regardless of having been treated like dirt because of her looks all her life, and like... apparently that is too much or too complicated to conceive and so either they have to decide she’s not That ugly or make her things she’s not or decide she’ll die early wow and whatever else, but like: the problem is that usually the Pure Moral Center Of A Story Who Happens To Be Female and gets her dreams and the hot dude is standard attractive. brienne is not, she has trauma because of that, and she’s still the best person in there (or one of the best) and she’ll get her dreams and the hot dude, and people can’t handle this specific concept nor admit that grrm, having done a thing that no one else has until now because there’s no other brienne in genre literature/in that way, is everything but a misogynist, since he actually, ah, wait, gave decent rep to people who most times are relegated to playing the best friend who stays single or are usually evil bc ugly antagonist women are everywhere, ugly protagonist women who are actually Good People™ and aren’t a paragon of Pure Virtue and don’t die virgins? not really. so: people can’t handle that brienne the way she is is a Good Person and The One True Knight In Westeros and it’s a sad thing but it just shows that maybe more people should go for that trope and that’s my two cents;

other than that no guy who can write the range of women grrm does can be a misogynist by definition, especially a guy who managed to get perfectly how it feels being a straight nonstandard attractive woman in society in general because my friends if before I stumbled into asoiaf I never related 100% to one fictional character ever there was a reason, and I read a lot, so people can bite me on that thing;

to end and comment on one thing: 

how the world is against Brienne, but she never does harm to the world

congrats to OP they went THAT close to it: that’s the entire fucking point. being like brienne in her society (and not performing femininity™ correctly in ours) means that whatever you do people will criticize you and treat you like dirt even if you don’t mean them any harm. the world is absolutely against her because all the circumstances are stacked against her - she’s a woman, doing a man’s job, looking nonattractive and therefore other women treat her like dirt and men don’t consider her or see her as a threat and hate her for it because she’s better at their job than they are, wanting to be a knight which is a thing that’s technically forbidden bc women can’t be anointed as far as the westerosi law says, who’s doing that because she knows she’s good at it but every single person in her way doesn’t want her to succeed except for a handful, can’t use femininity to navigate the world and she has to survive as a woman in a men’s world in an extremely misogynistic medieval society and there’s a reason why no one but three people takes her seriously, ie that if you don’t count a few people in f&b that are history book material in her context/timeframe she’s an unicum and people tend to dislike it when you’re an unicum/sticking out/wanting to go against the system. the system is absolutely stacked against her, when everything she wants is do good to others and making her father proud and be a knight and find love, and even if it’s not that much to ask for her it’s, on paper, impossible.... and the entire point is that as impossible as it looks she’s definitely going to get it because she’s written exactly for that, and if people haven’t grasped that it’s her arc - overcoming a misogynistic society and living beyond gender roles regardless of your looks which in itself is groundbreakingly feminist - sorry for them but they’ll have a bad wake up call when grrm gets wow/ados out.

and that’s my two cents, but like: there’s nothing wrong in liking characters With Faults or evil ones and you can find Good Ones boring, just don’t try to make it pass like the author is a misogynist because the Good Character is a nonstandard attractive gnc woman because that’s actually a thing no one else ever did.

and this stated brienne is more similar to book!sansa than book!arya personality-wise so it’s an argument that doesn’t hold on even joking. /two cents

[katzirra]

Finding myself still upset a week later. Tired with the idea that no matter if I'm in the wrong or not, I'm usually expected to either reach out and apologize first because I'm sad at the distance, or just act like nothing happened.

And it's not just this time. Which is the bigger issue. It's this reoccurring thing in my life, which has, in the long term, fucked up my perception of my own allowed emotions. With BPD I'm already invalidating myself, constantly thinking I'm over reacting. The issue has become that I'm rarely if ever over reacting now, because I'm too scared to even open up or feel around people at ALL now. Which I also get told is a problem, how I don't share and open up more - like I use to. It's a fucking loop.

I have people mad every few years that I can't be the friend they want me to be. And when I am transparent about my capabilities and my personal needs, I'm told I basically have to remind them about it when they get upset. It's not my job to keep apologizing... It's like, I'm sorry I am how I am. I also don't want to be like this, but it's how I am these days. I also think it sucks.

But I can't keep apologizing and hating myself for someone's expectations of me that I've been clear about what I can handle... And there's this weird reflection of that in that I'm told I don't owe anything to anyone or whatever, but it feels backhanded and passive in a way that never lays well with me when people say it? Like sometimes it feels like people put words in my mouth? If that makes sense...? It's like when people project their anger on my tone when 9/10 I'm depressed, tired and my tone is honestly flat. Like now.

Getting upset at me over and over again, doesn't help me to be closer to you either. It makes me constantly hear I'm a disappointment and I'm fucking up or hurting you, because I'm not pushing myself to do more than I'm capable of emotionally and mentally. I apologize constantly and it becomes a huge thing of what did I do wrong now.... And again, that's not an isolated incident. It's numerous observations. I feel guilty for taking up time, when I'm not feeling good enough for the person. Does that even make sense?

I'm just tired of hating myself for not being the person people want me to be. I am transparent about my energy levels, my abilities to be a friend. I give so much of myself, and I admit that I have no perception of time outside of if I'm working or not, or when I work next. I constantly tell people this. Most people understand, but it's the ones that don't that I feel bad over, and who have more weight somehow...

I think the other thing upsetting me lately is, it wasn't the first time someone pretty much told me that my responses were apparently too long or too much and it was literally in response to their messages. And it just... Idk. People want to vent and yell and rant at me, but not read my responses? Intention or not. It settled in my chest weird and caused a big mental shut down for me in terms of feeling worth someone's time. It just...Idk. It hurt. It's still hurting. It's that feeling of why should I bother with something if that's how the person feels about my feelings. That they're only worth glossing over, when I make sure I read and respond appropriately to things... It hurt a lot. And it kind of just felt like why are you bothering with ME?

It's like how I got reprimanded for saying I felt like a filler friend. Those are my feelings. I'm allowed to feel them. Being yelled at or being told i shouldn't feel that way when history of numerous friendships proves it to be a valid feeling is...what??

I...mm. It made me feel like a fucking freak or something honestly. Like I'm a weirdo for responding to people's messages thoroughly? And it's not the first time, and maybe previous times are why I have such aversion to talking at length about myself and my feelings now.

I've just sort of put everything at a distance since. A few friends have texted me, and I've been working on fixing some friendships via opportunities that have arisen. But that shit cut me deep, and made me feel weird about friendships in general again. Like maybe I'm not supposed to be anyone's friend because apparently I can't do it right. I...try to be there when people need me, and reapond when spoken to, I make time to see people when they want to and even ask people when I feel safe enough to or am not exhausted from work...even when I'm exhausted I do...I buy lunch or dinner every time people come over because I feel if you come here, I owe you that much... Or Becca or I cook dinner... I....??

I like to think I'm a good and valuable friend, otherwise I guess people wouldn't be upset with me...but also like...I deserve respect that I'm not who I use to be, probably never will be again, and I'm constantly pushing myself more than I should because I love the people in my life, or I wouldn't make the space and time for them that I try to... I have faults, I'm not perfect, but I try to be as kind and courteous and considerate as I can be... I'm genuinely interested in things and engage when I can... Idfk. It's not.enouvh. But I'm never going to BE enough for people.

I shouldn't have to report to people when I'm not feeling well. I will make a post to social media because I catch myself, and it's easier to make a vague post about myself or a generalized comment so if someone is inclined to talk to me further, they can on their own engagement terms because I've also had friends who get mad I vent too much!!

It's like no matter what I do, I understand people are all different, but I've had such negative reactions from basic shit that I don't know how to be a person at times. Trauma shapes us, and I hate the mangled form of an incorrectly thrown vase I've become, but I'm trying to fix it and it's DIFFICULT.

But yaknow, I'm sure I'm just being dramatic or something. Or I'm the asshole. I don't think I've actually ever had someone hurt me and apologize after I've told them it hurt me. At least not sincerely. It's always met with defensive energy, like I'm a jerk for it?? Tone is a weird thing...

Which is EXACTLY why I don't tell people when they hurt me, because it blows up.in my face as I'm in the wrong, and my anxiety and energy peak and I just feel remorse for TRYING. So I'm not expecting anything to ever change in my life, and especially with my avoidance of Discord and Twitter right now.im super not expecting shit. It might be months before I check my messenger or.notes there becauee that's how my anxiety triggers with this shit. Friendship issues and potential abandonment and shit just make me give up on existing in shared spaces. That's avoidance ans I'm sure there's a million things to be said about it about me, but it just sucks. The way my anxiety makes me feel.in regards to these topics where I'm expected to trust people, but if I speak up.i feel immediately on edge because the reaction is that I'm bad and wrong...man. No, that feels bad. I hate it. And maybe that's why I'm so unfeeling anymore. Detached, as jt were...

Life's a fucking mess, and I need to take care of myself because my mental.heslth has been in scary places lately. And I don't try and burden people with it at all, because those are my demons. But also, like, I fake a lot of happiness and save face online, and like...that takes a lot out of me.

But... I'm tired.of not.letting myself be upset when someone severely hurts me on a fundamental level.for myself. I'm allowed to be hurt this.time. It sucked. Ans I don't know what to do anymore, because I'm tired of the energy suck of being told I'm basically in the wrong.

I feel resigned to just not have friends honestly. Like I'm too fucked in the head to have them, I guess?? That's what it feels like. I don't know what to do, I just... Don't want to exist honestly. Everything is already too much every day.

I gotta get ready to sleep because good ol work tomorrow and another day of autopilot. I've done nothing but come home, sleep, and wake up at 8pm and space out for three or four hours and go back to bed all week.

I'm burnt out on existing ans that thought brings me actual terror some days.

[postmodernmulticoloredcloak]

15x11. A game of cosmic moves, heroes, and queer subtext

This was a very interesting episode that is about a game. The game being played by two cosmic forces: God and Death. The gamblers from the title refer to both the players in the pool hall, but also to the big game that is being played by Billie, who previously mentioned taking “a calculated risk” with breaking her rules. She’s playing a game and we wonder whether Chuck is realizing that.

But it’s also an episode about people handling phallic objects and playing with balls the entire time, which has a long history on the show of being associated to Dean (and men). Plus there are swords (the phallic object for excellence) and hearts, specifically hearts ripped out, which have a long history on the show of being associated to love and sex (2x17 Heart and multiple other werewolf episodes, 11x13 Love Hurts...), and it’s no coincidence Dean mentions suffering from “heartburn”: while it’s about the digestive system, the word itself evokes the heart. Of course it’s also about Sam, who’s texting Eileen at the beginning. But it’s also about Cas, who faces another soul-sucking angel, and much has been written about that kind of mirror back in the time of 10x20 Angel Heart.

So, Fortuna. And, interestingly, her son who is called Pax, which is Latin for peace, and thus drops the concept of peace/paradise in the episode. The pool hall is run by Pax, and it works a bit like heaven, especially the old way heaven was run, when the Grigori literally fed off humans’ souls. If you replace ‘luck’ with ‘soul’ you really realize what this episode is about and what it parallels to.

In fact, I think that the episode purposely blurs together callbacks to angels and demons: the pool hall Grigori torture scene is reminiscent of Alastair, for instance, there are callbacks to Crowley, to Abaddon*, to soul-selling deals (the cowboy mentions having gotten a year of extra life, the amount of time Dean got when he made his demon deal...), but also to Michael (who literally trapped Dean inside a bar, like Evie was forced to work at the bar of the pool hall) and heaven.

*In 9x17 Mother’s Little Helper, which also features Dean playing pool (and Misha’s unsubtle directing choices), demons stole souls to make an army for Abaddon quickly, and Sam released them. The episode also featured the concept of addiction - Dean and the First Blade, Crowley and human blood, the title of the episode itself refers to drugs - and now the pool players are unable to stop playing until their luck runs out, although the game is rigged.

Now, Fortuna is a clear parallel to Chuck; she keeps people trapped in her joint to play for her amusement or whatever, just like Chuck does with his narrative. But I mentioned before replacing ‘luck’ with ‘soul’, right? That makes Fortuna the goddess of ‘soul’. Who’s the cosmic lady that rules over souls and is also making someone play the moves of her own game? Yep, Fortuna is both a parallel to Chuck and Billie. Who are indeed the players of the cosmic game that is being played.

Fortuna “reads” the players like they were stories, just like Chuck writes people like characters, but also like Billie reads the destiny of people from the books in her office. Now, Fortuna calls Dean a “beach read” and laughs when he calls himself a Tolstoy, which is a clever bit because what really is a beach read is Chuck’s pulp novels, it’s Chuck’s narrative for them, while the real Dean (et alii) are much more complex and interesting than what Chuck’s story would reduce them to. Her dismissal of Dean and interest in Sam also mirrors Chuck in a way, and we wonder whether there’s some reason for that: Dean is better at pool than Sam, as Dean states and Sam doesn’t contradict him. Pool becomes the way they challenge the deity that is pulling the strings, and Sam loses. Is it a coincidence that the thing they were supposed to trap Chuck with in the last episode was shaped like a smooth ball...?

But I also think that this could be foreshadowing of Dean & co. also putting their foot down with Billie, because it’s pretty clear that whatever plan she has for Jack, they won’t accept to play it like she wants to. The Ma’lak box plan has already been labeled a bad idea by the narrative, and I’m sure that the story will frame Billie’s plan also not as the good thing to do, but they’ll find a third way between Chuck’s story and her plan.

Fortuna differs from Chuck in a fundamental way: she understands what makes a hero. Eventually she rewards them despite their loss -- it’s not about winning, it’s about trying despite zero chances of success. They went against the goddess of luck in her own joint, they were doomed from the start, yet they tried anyway, because they care. Reminds you of something? Death made a deal with Dean, his brother’s soul in exchange of being able to being Death for a full day. Dean lost, and yet Death rewarded him anyway, because Dean was never going to be able to succeed, but he showed something in his attempt.

Fortuna’s power outdoes Chuck’s “damage” (they indeed have an “average” luck: not because they are “normal” now but because they have wins and losses, they lost Jack and now they get him back, and so on...) because she acknowledges them as “heroes” -- not because they defeated her, but because they tried anyway. It’s not being exceptional, not being stronger or whatever, but it’s about being... very human. Trying against unsurmountable odds. People against something bigger than them. That’s why they are heroes -- because they’re human.

They’re human and they care about others, even if they’re strangers. Fortuna and her pool hall are a strong parallel (even in visuals, and, well, in the inevitable homoerotic subtext layer) to Lee’s bar. Lee's bar was based on the sacrifice of innocent victims so that he could prosper; Fortuna steals luck off the people in the pool hall, until they’re sucked dry, except of luck instead of blood. Lee, in fact, was killed with a pool stick, and the meta about the homoerotic subtext writes itself. Here, the homoeroticism is maybe less ridiculously blatant than in the episode with Lee, but, hey. Dean first plays a light match with a woman, then an intense match with a rugged man with a cowboy hat; Sam only plays with a woman. Yeah. *stares at the camera*

Last week, the episode with Garth was a manual of queer subtext, now the focus is more on other aspects, but it’s still an episode about pool, i.e. sticks and balls and shooting things inside openings. I think I don’t have to explain here. You have the history of pool in the show -- Dean and Ash, Dean and Crowley, Dean and Lee... but there’s also something that is not strictly about sexuality but in general about existing as a societal “other”, an outcast, a “freak” in the Dean side of the meaning since forever in the show.

Sam states that he learned to win at pool from his brother, and acknowledges that they had to hustle all their life to eat (a little reminder that they didn’t always rely on magical credit cards to pay for living expenses...), but Sam’s history with pool wasn’t an easy one. At the beginning of the story, he was against using that kind of things to get money. From 1x08 Bugs:

Dean: So what are you saying? That Dad was disappointed in you? Sam: Was? Is. Always has been. Dean: Why would you think that? Sam: Because I didn’t wanna bowhunt or hustle pool -- because I wanted to go to school and live my life, which, to our whacked-out family, made me the freak.

Abnormality versus normality, big theme of the show and particularly clear in season 1. Sam rejects the hunting life, the life he led with Dean and John, to seek a “normal” life. But he was always trapped in a mental trap made of the concept of “freak”, because of the life he’d led growing up and the sense of being unable to fit in with normal people. On the other hand, Dean armored himself with the claim of being “abnormal”, or not fitting with normal people; but that was a mechanism of defense because he was troubled by being different. Except that the story explored how Sam’s “difference” was tied to the supernatural (his tie to Azazel, the demon blood) while Dean’s “difference” was always framed as something fundamentally human, fundamentally tied to his relationships with people. You know what the subtext was always about.

So hustling pool was always a metonymy for a wider picture, the life the Winchesters led in the margins of society, in an underclass environment Sam rejected and took a long time to accept, and Dean embraced because he felt like he couldn’t belong anywhere but there. (“I’m a freak among normal people because I’ve been raised in an abnormal environment” versus “I’m a freak so I belong in an abnormal environment”, in substance.)

So, hustling pool doesn’t equate queerness per se. In Sam’s case it definitely doesn’t, but Sam embracing it equates him embracing being different in a class sense and in a general hunting-life sense. But in Dean’s case, his “being different” was always connected to a different set of subtextual meanings. Sam was “wrong” because of the demon blood and all that jazz, Dean was “wrong” in a sense of societal expectations.

So pool is connected to queer subtext in a stricter sense but also in a larger sense, the semantic area of otherness, of outcast, of freak, of being in the margins. And they play for the ability of going against God -- a God that, in Fortuna’s speech, is framed in opposition to other deities (non-christian deities, female deities, non-white deities) and that represents societal order.

Now about the game. In 5x07, whom this episode is obviously a big parallel to, the high-stake game was poker. Another obvious parallel is to the Ingmar Bergman movie The Seventh Seal, where a man plays a game of chess against Death.

In 5x07, Sam won, now he loses. It’s a fundamental difference that brings us back to what the current narrative is telling us about what makes a hero. All the stuff about luck and whatnot is irrelevant -- Chuck wants us weak, Dean says, and he’s probably right, Chuck is doing this to undermine their confidence, but it’s not a matter of strength/weakness or even confidence. They’re heroes because they’re human, because they’re not special. Against someone stronger than them, like a deity, they lose. But the point is that they play. That’s what matters. They’ve always faced adversaries more powerful than them, situations where they couldn’t win. But they fought anyway. And now, Fortuna is right in saying that they need to fight Chuck by their own rules, not the rules of his game: Chuck will win his own game, because he’s God and they’re just human. But if they play their own game, it will become irrelevant that they’re just human and he’s all-powerful. And, of course, their game means more players, just like Garth attacked the big vampire from behind.

The point is that Dean and Sam aren’t particularly strong or special in any way. They’re going to win because they are not alone.

[theholycovenantrpg]

CONGRATULATIONS, PHOEBE! YOU’VE BEEN ACCEPTED FOR THE ROLE OF SALOME.

Admin Rosey: This was incredibly difficult. Both applications were stunning and shined in the limelight - but there were these small details, Phoebe, that you included that had us absolutely captivated. Salome, I think, is a difficult character to encompass so wholly while not overlooking the details. But you managed to do that, to tie her all together while not putting her in a package. The application was such a joy to read from beginning to end - the way that you tied so many different characters into her, into her future. It was an absolute thrill to read because I was able to see so much while still being tantalized by possibilities. I can’t wait to see how Salome shines on the dash! Please create and send in your account, review the information on our CHECKLIST, and follow everyone on the FOLLOW LIST. Welcome to the Holy Land!

OUT OF CHARACTER

Alias | Phoebe

Age | 22

Personal Pronouns | She/her

Activity Level | Pretty active (6/10?) due to a national lockdown, but I’m a postgrad student so some days are busier than others.

Timezone | GMT

Triggers | REMOVED

How did you find the group?  | I check out the ‘new rpg’ tag a few times a year & your graphics and then everything drew me in

Current/Past RP Accounts | Masha Vetrova @ ProchnostRPG

IN CHARACTER

Character | SALOME

What drew you to this character? |  Typically I tend to go for characters who have a fundamental moral alignment of ‘good’ (even if it’s been a bit corrupted) so at first I was really drawn to Gabriel/Abaddon/Isolde. I even brainstormed them a bit before moving onto the demon bios.

But then I read Salome’s bio, and I really couldn’t get her out of my mind. There is something so delicious about her, so dastardly poetic. In a way, she’s as pure of heart as many morally good characters - patient, steadfast, true to herself. It’s just that her heart is a blackened one. A nature so rotted that even eternal damnation in Hell’s Abyss was not enough. The only fitting destiny was a demonic one, and the wings tore out of her body as if they’d been there, dormant, all along.

I know the story of Salome (thanks Oscar Wilde) & I just adore the way in which the bio weaves the biblical story into this world and this character. Salome the Temptress, unflinching as she demands the head of John the Baptist and damns all around her to Hell. This one line in particular from Rosey really, really captured it all for me:

No, the minute her mortal heart stopped beating and she opened her eyes to the fires of Hell, there was only laughter to be heard – pouring from her lips as melodic as a lark’s song, a stark contrast to the wailing and grinding of teeth.

Salome feels young and charming and spoiled and light and warm and content and this image - her descending into Hell, disrupting it with her peals of laughter - sums it all up. She is arrogant and uninhibited with her sins plain for all to see. But she is also clever. She is a girl who dances with the dead; demon through and through. She lets them openly see it so that they do not think to look closer. For if they did, surely they would see Salome was more damned than they’d ever envisioned? See that the open delight she projects - the laughter and fevered dancing, - all distract from a mind capable of cold, calm strategy? See that her hands are beautiful because they are stained with the first blood of this new world?

…All of which is to say that Salome the Temptress has worked that tempting magic of hers on me too - hook, line and sinker.

Are you comfortable with killing off your character? | If it serves your guys’ plotting vision then absolutely! I’d just ask to write the death scene/have some say in the way it went down. (The person killing her off better be prepared for the fight of their lives).

FUTURE PLOT IDEAS

• (small) PLEASURES •

Grand plans and power grabs are all very well, but day to day (on the dash lol) Salome is ruled by small pleasures and indulgences. What was the point of forging this new world if not to luxuriate in it?

01. I’m very curious to see how her relations with all the other demons play out. Salome is by and large a solitary creature - the natural result of her arrogance - but I think there are some demons she favours more than others. I could see a potential friendship (or the lesser version of that bond) with ORIAS, for one. There were those who saw something akin to witchcraft in Salome too. There had been envy, when Orias was hailed the Original Witch, but even Salome has come to recognise the ungodly power that resides in them. They are one of the only creatures that Salome has any real respect for. She understands that there is value to learn in what Orias can teach.They call them the false prophet - it seems poetic that Salome is drawn to her. (So ! Much ! Potential ! Witchy ! Power !)

02. So too can I imagine Salome having a particular curiosity towards MAMMON. Hungry and dark and empty, Mammon is probably Salome’s demonic ideal. With mortal origins herself, they represent a different kind of demon – one she thinks is utterly beautiful. Their future ambitions could align, both with a deep, aching appetites, but I can also see her purely enjoying the unique company of them. Salome does not treat her ability with any real respect or caution; she sees the dead as a game. think she’d genuinely delight in Mammon mimicking her gift and the amusements that could follow. (Ok not to say I’m suggesting deal body party games but it’s very that)

03. Salome gets equal pleasure (if not a great deal more) from less-than-friendly relations. She pushes purely because other people’s irritation amuses her. I think her relationship with AZAZEL in particular could be very, very fun. Of all the demons, I can see Salome having a particularly petty dislike / jealousy of Azazel for a few many reasons.. A) they are both products of indulgence, daughters of parents (literally and figuratively) who spoiled them rotten. Similarities repel and all that. B) Azazel is part of the de facto royal family, favoured by JUDAS.. and DAMIEN .. and ABADDON .. and Salome has not ever handled that well. She watched on as they, along with the rest of hell, fell for her and thus a time-old grudge was born. C) Azazel forms part of the Holy Land’s rulership. A land that was won because of Salome (in her mind) and one she feels has rights of ownership too. I imagine that Salome genuinely despises that the role was given to Azazel of all demons. I - I just sense so many great opportunities for both bickering and battling.

04. Salome draws great pleasure from her own magnetism. Devotion has followed her throughout the stages of her life, but it too has come to wax and wane. It is there in BASTIEN though, and it’s one of the connections I’m most excited for. He satisfies her addiction, and in return she is both doting and cruel. There is some value in him politically, bu it’i more of a .. personal connection. That could change though. Or, perhaps a genuine fondness might develop, in the same way that other celestial beings seem to be fond of their animal companions. A muted form of possessiveness over his gaze and his wonderment (which may well manifest in Salome having a particular resentment towards EVANGELINE) . If he were to share out his devotion, or if it was curtailed by any harm coming to Bastien himself, Salome would not be happy. Perhaps his attentions have come to somewhat satiate her appetite and tentatively restrains her darkest needs - a fact that neither of them have realised. (!!!!!)

• (medium) OPPORTUNITIES •

05. There are some things she keeps to herself - at least for now. There’s a lot of potential for self-paras or connections with the wider RP plot. To me, Salome has something akin to true addiction inside of her. It was there from the moment of her mortal birth, and it worsened with each hit. Essentially, I think an inescapable plot point is that Salome is a lil’ bit bloodthirsty. I think this would largely be developed through my own musings and mortals who are just ‘extras’ to this RP, but I’d love to deal with the intricacies of Salome having to cover this habit. Maybe she continues to use others as scapegoats; maybe she chooses her victims with careful attention so that they go unnoticed; maybe she does it in such a way that implies the presence of a beast or daemonium.

( In fact, the concept of the DAEMONIUM is verrrrrrrrrry intriguing. Creates who inhabit corpses and do nothing but feed their hunger? Sounds like a character I know. This is a potential plot point that relies on your guys’ vision and some collaborative world-building, but I think there is definitely exciting potential to explore these creatures through Salome. Imagine the carnage of her trying (successfully or unsuccessfully) to out-possess them.)

06. I think Salome would take any opportunity to poison Infernum’s highest-ranking. This isn’t so much be her political ‘end-goal’, but an opportunity for some real entertainment. It would be a game, try and crack the kinship that exists among  AZAZEL, JUDAS, DAMIEN and ABADDON; injecting a few words here, a few doubts there, and see if their loyalty lasts.. She knows Judas from a past life and has watched him oh so carefully overtheir many entwined centuries - I imagine she is a gnat to him, pushing all the right (and thus wrong) buttons. It would a sport to try and make his familial dynasty crumble. Perhaps she might attempt this by throwing doubt on to Abaddon in particular, whose aura contains a flatness that Salome cannot read. Salome doesn’t know of the goodness that lies in her, but perhaps she might find out. Regardless, I think Salome’s worst imaginable fate would be being locked in the Black Cells, unable to dance and revel in the world, so she harbours dislike for Abaddon anyway…

07. EPHEMERA is an opportunity that Salome had not anticipated. And let me tell you, boy do I adore this connection. It strikes me as a true clashing of teeth and spirits, but not as simple as one born from pure malice or hatred. Salome feels many things towards Ephemera, but she certainly doesn’t hate her - even if the ferocity between them implies otherwise sometimes. There’s a thin line between love and hate, as they say, though perhaps neither of those terms sum up Salome an Ephemera. It seems to be pure passion and temptation. I can’t say where this could lead without the thoughts of a possible Ephemera writer, but I’m sure it will be nothing short of explosive. I think this connection is the most Salome has ever felt towards another being, and that in itself is curious to her.

• (great) AMBITIONS •

The possible destinies of Salome. The following are all ways in which her story could play out, and all of them are quite dramatic. Who’s afraid of the big, bad plots….

08. Infernum technically has no throne. In order to thus claim it, perhaps one first has to be built? Salome would have no qualms choosing a side in another demonic cvil war. Why, if DAMIEN were to stake the claim of his birthright against JUDAS, he could count on Salome for support. If Judas were to live up to his title and betray the antichrist, he could count on Salome for support - if he got there before the other. Salome will happily help them consolidate a throne through bloodshed and betrayal. In fact, it will be her pleasure.

For through it all, Salome will be the demon who has thought to use MICHAEL. They are insufferable and righteous and (quite literally) archangel incarnate - really, if she had the chance, she knows that their blood would be the most utterly divine to spill - but they are useful. Undeniably powerful. Salome knows she must be careful here, but she enjoys the undisguised exasperation on their face. As if they have not yet thought to recognise the ambition that lies in both of them. If they helped her ascend to the throne of Infurnem, she would be a far more acquiescent to Caelum’s interests than the current leadership. Why? Because Salome would not act - would not even pretend to act - on behalf of demonic interests. If the best chance of her claiming ownership of the world depended on sharing it with Michael, then perhaps she would be willing.

09. But power can manifest in more than one way. She could follow such dreams, or she could become the world’s nightmares. And wouldn’t that be more indulgent? Where others hold power or peace as their prime ambition, Salome would get equal pleasure from the simple decay of all things. The world could rot and she would laugh - the dead are often better company than the living. Ultimately Salome would start another war without hesitation; she would sacrifice everything and everyone for the beautiful carnage of utter destruction. It had been so easy with the War of the Last Rites, but she had been disappointed when it ended in peace. That will not happen again; she will be ready next time. When all factions are suitably engaged, she will raise her own force and strike them all down together. — Such are her thoughts anyway. Thoughts that started developing when she met RYUK. To her, the power Ryuk holds is breathtaking. There is no other ability she desires quite as much. For if she were to contain both of their powers within herself, she would have dominion over a force so great that no living creature - mortal or immortal - could ever hope to defeat. The dead. It is a delicate strategy, but she has the patience for it. And if there was any who would spill the blood of a horseman just to see what happened, then it would surely be Salome.

10. Where there are mortals, there is faith. The relationship between Salome and the faith of the HUNDRED-EYED GOD intrigues me. In her mortal life, faith was an amusement. Its believers has been her playthings - perhaps they are again in this world. ISOLDE is as all prophets are; tempting. I think that Salome could potentially decide to join the faith – or give the impression to do so. Such a deceit would be fun and far from difficult - already she joins in on their rituals, her feet unable to stay away from any form of rhythmic movement, even ones more gentle than her usual tastes. A demon of relative influence, perhaps her faith would be welcomed amongst those most holy, perceived as a positive development in the faith’s recruitment. Perhaps she finds a currently unknown fellowship in the form of ESTIENNE, whose manipulation of the shadows surely speaks of some rot in his heart.

And all for one simple reason. Where there is faith, there are the faithful. Where there is the faithful, there is the potential for bloodshed so rich - so intoxicating - that she would play this long, patient game just to taste a singular drop. She has never been able to recreate the electrification of that first diabolical deed, when she claimed a saint’s head as her prize. She had danced and damned and thirsted ever since; the blood of an ALL-SEEING PRIESTESS might just quench such a need.

• (potential) DOWNFALLS •

Ah, but all of the above are just potential ideas. It is just as likely that Salome would be subject to some downfalls and some .. rude awakenings. I adore the fact that both MICHAEL and RYUK have such different perceptions of their connections. They are both far smarter than she gives credit. Michael is, ultimately, more powerful than Salome on more ways than one - they will surely outplay her as they have everyone, though she might be of some use to them too. In Ryuk, Salome has started a war she might live to regret - one she hasn’t even realised she’s fighting. She has perhaps been a little naive here, and it will be quite something when she realises.

There are other possible connections that could prove Salome’s downfall – or at least a be a hindrance. In my mind, it is GABRIEL, ZADKIEL and CAPHRIEL that she is most weary of. They each have a light to them that she does not care for, along with the arrogance present in all angels. I say in the following section that Salome has no fears; they represent the closest thing she has to possible concerns. I don’t think she yet knows any of them particularly well outside of the War, but she has thought of their powers. The latter two in particular harbour gifts that could, potentially, expose Salome, and thus she has developed a specific distaste for them. And of course, she probably finds them particularly fun to antagonise.

IN DEPTH

Driving Character Motivation | [TW: Implied suicide in section I ]

I think a large part of my attraction to Salome is that she isn’t really driven by an external force. Partly she is driven by the deep appetite within her (which I’ve mentioned more in other parts of this application) but I also think her motivations stem from her own intrinsic nature; she is pushed by her own heart towards ambitions that are mere extensions of her character. I think there are three central aspects of her character that best explain her motivations and actions: a complete lack of fear, an overwhelming self-adoration and a deep, petulant intolerance of monotony. Together, they’ve created a woman - a demon - amply motivated to do any of the above listed plot ideas.. One who simply does as she wants for no reason other than want itself. Below I’ve given three early examples (set in BP) of these traits taking root (and rot):

I • For what use is fear to those who are damned?

It was said that Jesus’ tomb lay empty. Through the wind Salome heard whispers of women who’d gone to mourn and found nothing - only stone and airwhere a pierced and bloodied body should have lain. It seemed the proclaimed child of God had evaded corporeal death yet again; that the words of the old, tiresome preacher whose head she once cradled had proved true. Their claims and their preachings were not false as her father had accused - but really, had not Salome always known that? Was it not she who had delivered John’s salvation, cast him up to his venerated Heaven? And as it happened - as both the head and the soul of John his body - had not she felt her own moment of pure, divine bliss?

It brought clarity; there was no hesitation in her now. She stood alone, looking out upon the depths of the Galilee Sea with an unconfined grin spread wide upon her face. She had known, always known, that the boredom of this life was only temporary. The adoration she received on earth had grown dull, she sought new, greater opportunities for her talents. There had existed a deep craving inside for as long as she could remember, one that had become increasingly difficult to satiate. It told her that her destiny lay outside of Heaven, that both the prophet and her father the king had been right to look upon her with fear. For if John and Jesus had ascended upwards, could she not leap down into her own descent? The idea of it felt so simple, so natural, so potentially powerful. Neither death nor the the promise of damnation brought her anything but intrigue. She thought of the wicked and the cruel, of the infernal depths to which she was bound, and felt only satisfied.

Mortal though she was, Salome was not afraid. Why should she fear her own destiny? Why should she fear for those she left behind? Fear had no place in a heart without hope. With a simple step, she threw herself into the icy water and waited to reach the blackest depths below.

II • For what use is love to those who are satisfied?

Where there was Salome there was laughter - her own, that was - sharp, loud and melodic. When she first opened her mouth it had sliced through Hell and turned all of its eyes onto her. Rightly so, for she she had laughed as she’d evaded Abaddon’s grasp, clawing herself out of the Abyss of mortal souls and claiming a rightful place in the depths of Hell. The Morningstar, sat above all, had not yet even spoken when Salome had started to dance.

She could feel Hell’s eyes on her, and what better way to greet such attentions than with that she did best. She had reaped rich rewards for it before, and she would do so again. A fleeting glance at her naked body showed her this realm had not dulled her beauty but made magnified it, her skin aglow with the fiery light of hellfire. And so Salome danced, feverishly but deliberately, losing herself in the spirit of the moment. What could anyone do but simply bask in the splendor of her new existence? As she raised her arms above her head, a pair of wings cut through her flesh and slowly tore out of her. Iridescent, they unfurled as if they too had felt the call of her movement.

A feast of celebration had followed. Salome could only laugh in delight as she looked upon demonic faces of adoration, gazes more alike than different to those she had received on earth. Seated at the left-hand of Lucifer himself, she had slotted into the natural order of Hell as if it had been her descent that had been prophesied on earth. How many in Hell, with all its angelic origins, had the blood of a true holy man on their hands? Perhaps just herself – and, she supposed, the man sat to the right of the Prince. Judas Iscariot. The Great Betrayer. A man she had known of in her mortality, a follower who’d wrought a downfall more entertaining than any Salome had otherwise witnessed. He looked on at her with a hard glint in his eyes and she merely smiled back - for Salome understood why. Here she was, a fellow mortal in Hell with infernal wings protruding from her back where Judas had none. It all made such perfect sense; Salome was truly different. Truly transcendent. Made and marked by forces darker then most of Hell could stand. In that moment (and all moments thereafter), Salome was acutely aware of the true power that resided within her, spilling out through her beauty, allure and wretched talents. Why, she was utterly glorious.

III • For what use is peace to those who are bored?

Eternity stretched out in front of her; memories of the wouldn’t fade. Of all the differences between immortal and mortal existence, it was only the nature of time that had ever frustrated her. To Salome, the centuries had passed by in both unfathomable speed and agonising monotony, the linearity of earth dead and gone. It seemed that in the face of an infinite future, even Hell could drag. It operated in a stasis that had begun to suffocate her and, gradually, had awakened once again an appetite that had only been temporally satiated. Lucifer dictated balance and moderation where Salome saw no reason for restraint. He had given her duties like none earth had ever dared, and she didn’t care to fulfil them. She had even grown tired of her puppetry, tired of dancing amongst such frustratingly passive bodies. There was, in a place of corruption, nobody left to actually corrupt; no opportunity to taste innocent or holy blood.

Over time she came to sense the quiet seeds of unrest in Hell, and she was gladdened by them. Once again a wicked smile graced her face, once again she twirled around the pits of Hell in anticipation. There was no better cure for boredom than chaos, and once she’d caught the scent of it her hunt could not be stopped. It had proven easy to have the whispers diverted and delivered to her ears - so many were under her spell, either terrified or infatuated. So Salome came to learn of plans of razing Hell against its master, ripping through worldly divides and claiming the earth she once lived on. At last - she could have wept from delight. And most entertaining of all, Salome had snatched the dice into her her hands.

How easy it would be to join the dissenters, to war with them against the order of Hell that had shackled her. How tempting it was, to dash their plans by raising her own blade to the Morningstar and plunging the world into carnage without warning. How fun, the thought of taking all she knew to Lucifer and laughing as he rained down revenge on the demons he had been foolish enough to trust. Impatient with monotony; patient in the face of action. Salome did not yet know what she would do, and she found utter delight in the potential of it all.

PARA SAMPLE

The Holy Land was not suited to revelry. It lacked the vitalityand decadent excessthat a true celebration required. And really, wasn’t this her domain? Nobody got more unadulterated pleasure from a celebration than Salome - she doubted that even the festivities of the Stygian Moon would be of renown without her inputs. This particular affair was proving even more tiresome than she’d foreseen. Every year she stands under the Triune Moon and watches as solemn vows are sworn; every year she wonders why they could not just be done so in private, sparing them all this tedium. She had said as much to Damien before as they had departed the comforts of the Black Palace, and had received little more than a scowl in response. But she knows her point has more merit than they’d care to admit. How long before these promises of harmony are exposed as a farce? At least that year promises some true entertainment.

Salome thinks all this as she watches the stage in front of her, eyes lazily switching between the three figures who stand upon it. The Sun, the Moon, the Stars; every pair of eyes in the sweeping crowd are trained on them. Salome can feel them. Or rather, she can’t feel the usual warmth of infatuated gazes on her own skin. Here she stood amongst hoards of mortals and beings more lowly than herself, and none were paying her their usual bouts of attention. The only thing that prevented a quiet tantrum was the knowledge that she was far from alone in feeling this agitation. Her stare flickered from the stage towards the figures of both Michael and Judas, and she could not help but smile. To eyes that had repeatedly examined them over centuries, the rigidity of their bodies betrayed them. She was far from the only one who felt the absence of centrality, and that, at least, brought her some pleasure.

Still, she only has so much patience for ceremonies not directed at her.  Yet no sooner did she shift to exit the crowd than did words delivered on the stage give her pause. Azazel’s voice, suitably haughty, repeating the typical sentiments of the Holy Land. This was the ‘Age of Peace’, Salome hears her say. Only the ‘cooperation of all factions and the formation of the tridium’ had rendered them ‘triumphant against the heretics who would cast all into darkness.’ This time she cannot hold in the delicate laugh that ripples through her. If only the annual repetition of such statements made them true. If only they knew of the true origins of the War that brought this so-called peace, of where the credit should rightfully lie. Though she knows it would be foolish - more than foolish - Salome can think of nothing but how simple it would be to stand above all and confess. She’d let them savour the details of her sins and her glories. She would laugh as they wilted under the weight of her revelations.

‘I’ve never seen you look so engrossed off of the battlefield.’

Her imaginings are cut off by quiet words from behind her. She needs not turn to identify the voice of Ephemera, familiar as it has come to be. Salome had, of course, seen her across the crowd - when did her eyes start to automatically seek her out so? - but marked her presence as an occupation for later. That Ephemera sought her out first is not necessarily unexpected, but certainly thrilling. There is no other presence that can so easily bring Salome out of a petulant mood, just as there is no other who can so easily put her in one. But she has found that where there is Ephemera, there is entertainment to be had.

“You have not seen me do many things,” she replies easily, as if they had long been having this conversation, “though I do believe I’ve offered.” And she has, more than once, tried to entice her with offers of dancing and hunting and enjoying all the vices of the world they fought for. She turns her head slowly to meet the watchful gaze of her once fighting-partner, a smirk on her lips as she widens her eyes in faux-innocence. They are two alike; mortals once but mortals no more, the first of their kinds. She knows Ephemera will not rise to her bait within the presence of other Angels, which only heightens her simpering expression. Salome has no such qualms about the thoughts of her own kin; their talk excites her, their gossip only confirms how many pay her heed. She has found no simpler joy than that of walking into the Black Palace and leaving excited whispers in her wake.

“I’m sure you’ll agree that celebrating won wars is less fun than waging them’, she continues, amusement ringing clear through her voice as she returned her gage purposefully to the stage. “I asked Azazel if she might add some zeal - perhapsmake those hounds do some tricks - but she seems to have ignored my good wishes”. Salome can feel the rolling of Angelic eyes next to her without even looking. It was so easy, so predictable, and yet anything but boring. That was the real curiosity of Ephemera, so easy to reel in and yet so resistant to truly jumping off the edge. She seemed halfway caught between accepting Salome’s allure and running from it, and the resistance only increased her desire. “Though your one is the more dull, I believe. So earnest - it’s quite exhausting.”

It is clear that Ephemera is acting advisor and strategist rather than - what? Friend? Enemy? Something in between? - whichraised the question as to why she had approached her in the first place. She thinks to ask, but when she opens her mouth to do so the crowd erupts in an applause more loud than she thinks the show was worthy of. Still, she brings her own hands together for the sheer relief that it is finally over. Her feet ache from standing bored for so long, her wings want to stretch open and wide. She wonders if a large enough quantity of alcohol might loosen Ephemera a little, but when she turns to declare this she finds that her companion has disappeared in the movement of so many people. A pity, but no real matter. She has never needed the company of others to create her own sport.

EXTRAS

[ My (WIP) pinterest for Salome can be found here. ]

Salome keeps no animal companion, for she has never felt much love for the nature of the earth. She finds it amusing that some Angels and Demons belittle themselves by keeping one. However, it is not an uncommon sight to see Salome walking with crows flying above her. Only on closer inspection would one realise those animals are but corpses, a puppetry Salome (alone) finds humorous.

Like all parts of herself, she harbours great love for her wings, and not only for the damnation that they represent. They are formed of what resembles a netting of fine, golden spider’s web. They seem to constantly change in the light, appearing to be more transparent than they are solid. Regal and beautiful, they are as Salome sees herself.

She is a fierce fighter and a connoisseur of bloodshed. Her weapon of choice is a trailing point blade, forged on the day of her arrival in Hell. She uses it exclusively for more.. intimate situations, and favours instead a simple longsword on the battlefield. She is however, proficient with most weaponry, as the corpses she can make fight use the same weapons they died wielding against her.

Though Infernum is the home she helped carve out, Salome spends a great deal of time in Sanctus Terra and travels to Caelum whenever the opportunity presents itself. Both locations amplify an itch deep within her soul, worsening her desire and thereby bringing greater satisfaction when she finally acts on the urge. She has not spilled any angelic blood in Caelum, though the temptation is strong, for she knows Michael has become astute to her presence. She has left a fair few victims in Sanctus Terra, a pursuit which has become less satisfying overtime. Still, Salome is careful. For all their talk of kinship, she is not sure that her fellow demons would refrain from locking her in the Black Cells if they had just cause.

[ aaaaaaand I leave you with the last verse of ‘Salome’, a poem by Mary Lamb. I honestly can’t describe it as anything over then *chef’s kiss*. I don’t know if Rosey read this when she was writing Salome’s bio, but I thought the writing style and tone and vibe and all beautifully mirrored each other?? Stunning. On that note, regardless of whether of not you think I’m right for Salome, thank you for the obvious amount of time/thought you’ve all put into this because it’s been really (really) fun to explore. ]

When painters would by art express Beauty in unloveliness, Thee, Herodias’ daughter, thee, They fittest subject take to be. They give thy form and features grace; But ever in they beauteous face They shew a steadfast cruel gaze, An eye unpitying; and amaze In all beholders deep they mark, That thou betrayest not one spark Of feeling for the ruthless deed, That did thy praiseful dance succeed. For on the head they make you look, As if a sullen joy you took, A cruel triumph, wicked pride, That for your sport a saint had died.

[transsexualhamlet]

Trans Headcanons

Ok I’m going to make a giant post about this because it’s one of the few things I can actually address, as a trans person. Obviously I cannot speak as to the opinions and experiences of all trans people, but I’m just gonna give you my take.

So obviously in fandom lots of people like to headcanon characters as trans, and in general I think that’s a fantastic thing as well we’re not exactly swimming in representation. But what comes with cis people tryin to write trans characters is that... things get... problematic. Quick.

Headcanoning male characters as ftm

I am this variety of trans so I get excited when people headcanon ftm but I’m almost always completely disappointed.

First off I need to address the “people” who headcanon male characters as trans ftm for that Spicy Fetishization. This is generally, I’d say... more than half of trans headcanons I come across in fics at least, and in this context is used solely for sexual purposes which is disgusting so stop.

Of course it’s ok to write trans people having sex, because well, trans people have sex, but cis people don’t realize that dysphoria plays a huge part into what people are comfortable with. So just a fun fact I feel like it should be obvious trans guys aren’t gonna want to have sex like they’re a straight female, and trans guys are not all bottoms.

I would also like to address when headcanoning a male presenting character as ftm is good or bad rep completely without the sexual element because cis people seem to have a fundamental misunderstanding of Trans Vibes. I’m gonna use mostly ons examples so hang on tight.

Problematic, bad characters to headcanon as trans- 

-Yoichi

-Mika

-Shinya

I see an egregious amout of these, and the pattern for this is somehow, cis girls see a feminine boy and think that they’re a good person to think is trans. No. This is the opposite. These three characters in ons are some of the more feminine guys, and therefore come off as gay, in a cis male way. Trans guys generally do not act like that, and although there are plenty of feminine trans guys, they do not behave like that. 

Addressing the problems with people saying Mika is trans- People don’t understand dysphoria. He has always been very feminine, and in the case that he was trans that would just. Not work. You could look at that boy and be asking what gender even is he if you didn’t know, and generally trans guys aren’t for that. 

With Yoichi it’s even more ridiculous. He’s one of the worst characters I could think of to view this way, as this pushes the most UwU Soft Boi fujoshi shit onto him. If y’all aren’t aware the fetishising girls really invalidate trans folks by assuming they’re all basically the stereotype of Yoichi- small, awkward, shy, complete pushovers, and just. Nah. Same really goes for Shinya, because though he’s more confident he’s very cis gay guy and making him trans pushes the same “make the more feminine person in a gay relationship trans”. Stop it.

If you had to headcanon someone as ftm in ons I’d say some of your best options would be probably

-Kimizuki.

-Yu (though there are many conditions because he’s a victim of a lot of the fujos in fanfic with this.)

I’m trying to think of more but to be honest, that’s your best bet. If you want to go with someone else, Guren might be ok, it would just be harder to explain.

Kimizuki is the best one out of all of them to be headcanoned as trans because he breaks the problematic stereotypes, and if you think about it would make much more sense than the characters ppl usually say are trans.

He is a character who’s fairly obsessed with presenting masculinity and trying to be the strong one in the group, which is a very trans guy thing to do, and it would be the easiest to explain without going through hoops like characters that have a lot of backstory would. He doesn’t look or act feminine at all, but he has more feminine skills like cooking, and he feels ashamed of those aspects of himself even though he shouldn’t. Those are the kind of things that make someone go “that would be nice rep”. Also his hair is dyed pink, like what cis person does that?

With Yu, I see many more people in fanfic try to use the trans thing for him, and out of the context of shipping I think that’s perfectly fine. He is a very relatable character for ftm gremlins like myself and it’s reasonable to say that, although there would need to be a few adjustments for taking into consideration at one point he would have presented as female, probably during his time in sanguinem. That doesn’t really present any problems if you just adjust accordingly. Guren would be cool with “hey dad i’m a guy” and I think that would be pretty epic. But when taken into the context of, well, mikayuu shipping.

To be frank, most of the trans!yuu fics that exist are straight up just for fujos to go “hey look at this gay bottom he’s trans so he’s basically a girl and watch him act like a girl during sex” stop it. Stop it please. 

On trans girls

obviously, I am not a trans girl, and I know like. one trans girl. total. So I don’t have as much insight on this as trans ftm but some of this stuff is just common sense.

First I need to address the obvious, the phenomenon that is apparently such a thing in anime and manga for no good reason. The “this character who has a female voice actor, dresses and acts completely like a girl but is stated as male for some fucking reason” is just... hhhhhhhhhh. I think the only reason these exist is some weird japan fetish but I’m not fond of it. Headcanoning these characters as trans girls is in fact completely fine and I’d encourage it, unless them being male is actually somehow an integral part of the plot.

In the case of Asuramaru, I’d say absolutely go ahead. It makes even more sense with this character because Asura used to go by a different name and dressed much more masculine back in Ye Olde Greek Dayes but now has this demon glow up with a much more feminine look, a literal dress, a crown, hair down to their ass- that’s honestly the most valid thing you could say. 

In the case of characters presented as female in canon, it’s much more difficult than trans guys because of how girls are presented in anime and manga. And by that I mean,,, hyper sexualized and misogynistic. 

In this case I’d always say ask someone trans before jumping to conclusions. Also be wary of the “this is a masculine girl, she must be trans” because well. Again, masculine trans girls are valid but that can’t be your only reasoning PLEASE. I’ve seen trans Mito before in a fic, and tbh that’s ok, but only if you know what you’re doing with it. It can be explained pretty well with her, since she used to present as hyper feminine and pretty comphet with the guren thing, but she’s calmed down in vampire reign and I think if that has to do with her starting her transition at like 16, that’s totally fine. But that has to be handled with care, and be aware that she’s like. The most masculine girl in the series. She doesn’t wear a skirt like literally every other girl in the show, she uses physical force and her fists to fight instead of a weapon or magic, and she’s extremely headstrong. Although it would be fine if she was trans, those aspects of herself are not what would make her so, since even though it would be epic those things could cause dysphoria.

On nonbinary headcanons

These are significantly less problematic than a lot of other types, since they’re generally made by people who know what the hell they’re talking about. And there’s really no parameters for nonbinary people, so if you see someone who gives off No Gender Vibes go ahead and sprinkle in some they/them!! They don’t even have to look androgynous, though if you see a strictly single gender presenting character and want them to be enby prepare to have some explanations. Good examples of this would be

-near from death note, that gremlin wears nothing but pajamas and proceeds to grow hair down to his ass as an adult, plus the austistic coded bit... we don’t have a concept of gender tbh

-practically any demon from ons but raimeiki or gekkouin, they all just have the best vibes

-Shikama Doji, you think that bitch knows what a gender is??? Got lost in the wings pal

Just be aware of the differences needed between thinking “this person is presented as __ canonly and that is in fact their sex just not their gender” or “this person is trans fem or trans masc but isn’t strictly male or female” because those are different.

Bottom line? Ask a trans person, and don’t write a trans person just for their body.

[jswdmb1]

Identical

I don't just know you, I've grown like that too...

If I don't dislike you, I'm withdrawn, unrighteous too...

I’m no prophet, I'm your friend

Take my advice, make your mistakes”

- Phoenix

Every four years, the PBS series “Frontline” presents an episode called “The Choice”.  It presents the two candidates running in that particular presidential election.  But, it is not a show about the current campaign, policy issues or even the politics behind the particular candidates.  It is instead a personal biography of each candidate up to the point of the current election told chronologically.  The show portrays each individual’s story back and forth as the years go on that allow the viewer to both understand the people behind the front their campaigns present, but also provides a unique opportunity to compare and contrast the two candidates.  I have watched this particular episode of Frontline in every presidential election dating back to 2000, and I find it to consistently be the single best source of information for me to decide (or confirm) which candidate I am to support in that year’s election.

I was going to pass on this year’s version as I didn’t think there was anything I could learn about either man, and my choice is already made, but I watched anyway.  I have to admit that I was surprised to pick up nuggets of information that were new to me such as that Joe Biden’s first wife and daughter were killed six weeks after his election to the Senate for the first time, or that Donald Trump’s mother fell ill when he was very small and was effectively absent for his nurturing years.  Those are facts that seemingly are unimportant when weighing which man to support in a presidential election, but I think we have all found out in the last four years that an individual’s personality, temperament, and morality are just as important as their stance on any issue or their knowledge of the inner workings of government.  In the example of this year’s election, it finally crystallized the stark difference between Joe Biden and Donald Trump that has made my decision for whom to vote so easy.

Let’s start with the challenger Biden.  If there are two things that are clear about Joe, it is 1) he makes a lot of mistakes, and 2) he has overcome quite a bit of adversity of the years whether they are of his own doing or not.  You can watch the show to see the examples of both, but Biden’s approach to problems in his life has been remarkably consistent.  First, he acknowledges the problem exists and that he has responsibility to address it.  Next, if it was a problem of his own doing, he owns up to it.  Often times, he does this quite clumsily and occasionally makes things worse, but he does, at a minimum, take responsibility.  Finally, once it is out there, he puts his head down and gets to work with an amazing ability to ignore the long odds that he may face or the chirping he hears in the background about how badly he messed up and/or how he will never make it right.  He simply has a fundamental belief that humans make mistakes and he is no exception to that rule.  At times, it would be refreshing if he demonstrated better that he learns from some of these mistakes so as not to repeat them, but there is at least a good faith effort even if the execution at times is mediocre.

There is no need to go into detail how Trump behaves whenever he is faced with a problem and it is well documented that he never admits to making a mistake (and likely doesn’t even believe he has ever made one).  There are daily examples of this behavior and running through the list at this point is massively unappealing.  What I do find interesting is why he is this way.  The show goes into great detail about the influence three men have had on his life. The first is his father Fred.  We all know his background and his ruthlessness in business and within his personal relationships and this was applied to each of his sons.  The first, Fred Jr., bristled at the notion of going into the family business, and became an airline pilot instead (a decision for which both father and brother Donald would mock him mercilessly and drove him to alcoholism and an early death).  Fred Sr. then set his sights on son #2 who was more than willing to take up the cause.  After a stint in military school that hardened his outlook on life and reduced what little emotional capacity he had, he moved into his father’s footsteps and practiced the approach that personal gain is everything and little else matters.

The second man was a lawyer named Roy Cohn.  Cohn rose to fame in the 1950s as Joseph McCarthy’s hatchet man in the blacklisting of innocent American citizens for unfounded (and mostly false) accusations of communism.  Despite the shame eventually brought upon him for that role, he rose to become one of the most powerful attorneys in New York.  A client of his was a young Donald Trump and Cohn taught him three things that helped him rise from the ashes: 1) deny anything that makes you look bad as even having happened 2) attack those that bring these things up and deflect the blame elsewhere, and 3) never take responsibility for your actions unless there is a transactional gain that serves you.  This has been Donald Trump’s blueprint his entire life and it can be found in his business, his marriages, and certainly his presidency.  He literally has never operated in a manner that is different in any aspect of his life, so the fact that this has come through during his time in the White House should be surprising to no one who witnessed him before his election.

The final man was the Rev. Norman Vincent Peale who was the pastor at the church Donald Trump attended for over 50 years.  Peale’s claim-to-fame was the publishing of a book The Power of Positive Thinking and the Trumps followed it like their bible.  Boiled down, the main tenant of the book was that one must think positively at all costs and negative thoughts must be barred from the mind or success cannot be achieved.  That seems okay on the surface, but it becomes a problem when situations require more effort than simply a good thought and a wish that it goes away.  This clearly explains Trump’s complete inability to handle the COVID-19 pandemic.  Even though he obviously intellectually understood the severity and danger of the virus from his recordings on the Woodward tapes, this brainwashing of Peale on the Trump family made it impossible for Donald to acknowledge that the problem existing in any way.  When combined with Cohn’s teachings on taking no responsibility and Fred Sr.’s example of bulldozing past anyone who disagrees with you (like a scientist or doctor), the end result of his response makes a lot of sense.  It’s why even when catching the disease himself, he views it as a positive event that only he could dream up.

I do find it curious that I spent three long paragraphs on Trump with only one brief paragraph on Biden, but that meshes with each approach they have on the basic issues of life as a human being which is confronting adversity and accepting that we do make mistakes.  Biden’s approach is simple and to the point, sometimes to a fault.  Trump has this complicated troika of mad men’s teachings running through his head when problems come up and it is no wonder he is paralyzed with inaction when it comes time to do something about it.  For me, this is the defining trait between the two men that seems to tower over everything else about them personally or this election in general.  The question then is what do we do with this information.

I’m certain it is obvious which way I am going to go, but it may surprise you why.  You see, I have struggled myself with some of these same issues that each man has faced.  Up until a few years ago, I actually would describe myself as really being more Trump-like in my approach to life than I really care to admit.  I rarely acknowledged I was wrong and often blamed others for problems that were within and could only be solved by the guy responsible for them in the first place – me.  This attitude prevented me from seeing what was the real root of my unhappiness and depression and did not allow for me to acknowledge that my drinking and moderate drug use had become a problem.  It wasn’t until everything broke down and I ended up in an intense six-week program of therapy and deep soul searching that I discovered that mistakes we make are what builds us up and not what tears us down.  Granted, we need to learn from those mistakes to become better people and achieve great things, but admitting responsibility is the only path to doing either of those things.  I know now after a few years that I will never get things totally right, but I can get up each day and at least try to improve on the one before.  At a minimum, I strive to not make things worse, and it all gives me strength to fight whatever demons I have head on.  It’s a trial-and-error approach for sure, but I don’t see how it can be done any other way.

And given where things are at now, I don’t see how any other approach can help us overcome the enormous problems we face at this time whether it be COVID-19, or the economy, or global warming, or any other massive threat we face right now.  There is no amount of positive thinking that will help us overcome any one of these things and clearly wishing the problems away (or denying they even exist) is not going to work.  We need someone who understands this and there is no doubt the current president has no ability to do so.  Joe Biden may not be perfect, and he is not going to get us all of the way there on likely any one thing, but we have to start somewhere.  And, if there is one thing that he is good at, it is looking at a big hill, putting his head down, and climbing up.  It’s not pretty, and it isn’t the easy thing to do, but it is what we need right now more than anything.  

That is a tough pill to swallow for many Americans who think their freedom is a birthright that requires no effort, but that fantasy has been squashed.  In three weeks, the choice is clear about what needs to be done and the decision is up to you: are you going to acknowledge fault and accept responsibility for our collective actions that have led us to this point and vote for Joe, or are you going to give Trump another four years by simply wishing that all our problems away (spoiler alert – they don’t)?  The politically correct thing to say at this point is that either way you decide please make sure you vote, but I cannot apply that here.  The stakes are too high and the path is too obvious – either vote for Joe or don’t vote at all.  That second option may be tough for some people to take, but consider it your first step on a long road to recovery and redemption not just for yourself but our nation.

Good luck, everyone, we are going to need it.

-        Jim

[aotopmha]

Attack On Titan Chapter 124 Thoughts

Chapter 36, the focus chapter Sasha had, has for the longest time been labeled as a filler chapter, but I maintain that it's thematically probably one of the most important chapters of the story and I think this chapter only adds to this idea.

Attack on Titan has such a strong perspective and thematic core and I think that's what makes this chapter a really solid one instead of just a chapter to drag this story out or just set all the ducks in row for what's coming.

Even if Eren succumbs to the demon inside of him, as Nicolo puts it, and has to be killed to be stopped, there are characters that haven't succumbed to their demons yet.

The story provides at least some source of hope even in it’s most darkest moments and compared to many other stories that go for this kind of exploration of humanity, I actually think this is one of the more balanced ones when it comes to the hope and darkness in the story. Usually the finale for these kind of stories is covered in a thick layer of cynicism, with the real, more idealistic perspective and actual thematic point of the story coming out in a understated, but firm manner - From the New World and Devilman Crybaby come to mind the most to me when it comes to anime.

Cynical stories about humanity to me are stories that have no empathy for humanity and just tell you how horrible it is.

Even as Jean expresses his cynical viewpoint this chapter, it’s full of understanding on the meta level.

As he's been doing since moral ambiguity has taken the center stage, Jean simply tries to rationalize a very difficult situation. It’s not there to say that the rest of humanity deserves this or humanity is shitty and that’s that.

The story has a lot of empathy for Eren's situation as it should because the readers have been with Eren on this journey for a long time and are conflicted just as the characters are.

Some of this material might be redundant (and I think the anime could help out here once more), but to me it's still very effective.

Some of my favorite themes in stories are learning to see the world in a more complex light and fighting against all the negative within yourself and I'm pretty much eating all of this up not only because it's themes that I love, but also because I think they are handled a bit more complexly than usual.

These have been some of the most fundamental ideas of the story since the first chapter: it all started with the most basic idea of standing up and keeping up the fight despite the fear and loss someone experiences and we’re right back here at the end of the story.

As I said in my initial post and what I’d say is the second strongest part of this chapter to me overall behind Nicolo’s speech about having a demon within yourself and leaving the forest, is Gabi's character arc.

Eren has been the primary positive representation of this struggle of fighting your demons for a while, but now it's Gabi - she fights to return everyone she loves to Reiner (and her) and does so without throwing anyone else under the bus, while Eren is now the negative representation of that struggle.

Stories about struggling with the bad in yourself don't often have negative examples where people lose against their demons, either, that's why I find Eren so interesting, as well.

The story truly paints nobody or nothing at fault here but human nature and I think you don’t really see that often.

Maybe in some story there is some conspiracy going on with some organization or some individual orchestrating everything that is wrong with the world - see Gurren Lagann, Kill la Kill, Dragon Ball or most other Shounen stuff. I enjoy that stuff - a central antagonistic force that represents everything that the protagonist shouldn't be/is representitive of an opposing ideaology isn't even foreign to AoT - for a time it was the Colossal Titan and the other shifters, the nobles within the walls, then Zeke specifically, all the way circling back to Eren himself and it very much helps to give direction to a story.

AoT just claims the root of all evil isn't one specific antagonistic character or group, but the parts of human nature that might drive us to hurt others.

The shitty nobles of the walls and King Fritz? Instead of the story just telling you how horrible they are, it also says that it’s human nature to grow corrupt - Ymir Fritz got her Titan powers by pure coincidence and naturally, humans took advantage of it. The humanity outside the walls? They aren't just a evil hivemind, in fact most of them are innocent people and the element that causes the most problems is actually ignorance.

Desiring power, being scared and hurting others because of being scared and doing anything you possibly could to survive, even if it also involves hurting others - it’s all shown as something natural, but also something to overcome rather than a inherent, unchangeable part of humanity.

It’s not just “that’s how humanity just is and there’s nothing we can do about it”, it’s “that’s how humanity is, but we can do something about it”.

It's human to succumb to these instincts, but we can also be above them.

This chapter is called "Thaw" and majority of it is about barriers between people melting away - Gabi and Kaya, Shadis and the recruits, the 104th and Gabi and of course, even the barrier Annie is surrounded by melting away.

Eren's presence as an enemy seems to have caused everyone to at least temporarily try and put their differences aside for the sake of survival, so whether Eren planned this or not, on some level unity is being achieved because nobody wants to die. This situation is playing into humanity’s intrinsic desire to survive and strive. Eren’s message to the Eldians really might be something to facilitate at least a temporary truce among all the sides for everyone to survive and if the Eldians play a essential part in stopping this, their contribution would be impossible to ignore and therefore they should get something positive out of this.

I suppose how believable it would feel narratively is up to everyone individually, but I don’t feel like it’s all that naive if you frame it like that.

Looking at it myself, I think some people would fall back to rely on their worse instincts, but I also think some wouldn't - an overly cruel humanity is just as unrealistic as an overly kind one.

There's nothing much for me to say about Annie because the panel of her being out of her crystal says nothing, but her plot thread is now at least addressed.

Finally, some neat details are Armin once again taking action with the Manouver Gear as he did before to be consistent with some physical character growth we've seen of him and Connie taking away Falco to finally also address the plot thread with his mother - if it came ahead somehow, I think Connie finally having enough makes sense and was properly built up.

Nile ultimately had his character arc capped off in a fine way prior to this chapter, so what happened here worked for me.

Looks like Pixis actually didn't get eaten by a female Titan, but rather taken out by a character with the history of being mistaken for a girl, so there you go. Armin also ended his life with respect, which I think also works fine here.

It's also nice Shadis gets to have a little bit of a character development moment of acting instead of just remaining passive.

I think now the plot threads left to address are:

1) The Ackerman powers

2) Levi and Hange

3) Historia

4) Eren

5) Kiyomi

6) The Warhammer Titan

I think the story can do it just fine looking at the timetable with the announced season 4. Some of these don't need very elaborate explanations and can be combined with other stuff - like Connie's mother.

I expect Levi and Hange, Annie, Eren and Historia to all get separate chapters and the other stuff to get mixed in there.

I think it'd work out with 8-10 more chapters.

This chapter, though, was a solid set-up chapter with side character payoffs and closures here and there to me.

I think the story is definitely doing it's best to give closure to everything - Connie's mother and Annie have seemed to be dropped plot threads for many people for a while now, but the story brought them back and seems to wish to address them in some manner.

The story has already broken ground among mystery box stories for actually answering most of it's huge mysteries in time, but as I've gone into in a bunch of my chapter posts for some time now, if it satisfyingly sticks the final landing, even in however flawed way, I think it'll definitely be special just for that.

[silvarias]

basard;; 4, 6,and 7 for silvy 24, 25, and 32 for gold :3c

:DDDD i wuv u!!!!

Silvanus:

4. Has your character ever witnessed something that fundamentally changed them? If so, does anyone else know?

I may have answered this one b4 but that just means i get 2 pick another instance >:3 (lonk from pennslyvania to the first rep to this q)

The second time that Silvanus witnessed something that fundamentally changed them was probably when they met Luljeta. This is gonna sound pretty cheesy, and my next choice probably would have been when Gold was outed as a half-demon or when Ky revealed himself willing to murder to keep his love safe, but - these things didn’t really change Sil. Or, they did. I’m getting all jumbled up here - those instances are what made Silvanus believe in the whole love thing in the first place, watching their two idiot brothers (because Sil knew how this was going to go down, okay, he’d been calling Ky a brother-in-law for months if not years at this point) figure out they loved each other enough to defy the whole world and win. 

No, but some part of them knew that love existed for other people, but Sil was also the elder of the Spell-Smith brothers. He saw what Morgana did to their father, and some part of them that wanted desperately not to get that hurt ever whispered to them that love just was not in the cards, not for them, no ser no way. No thank you. But then, this is so cheesy, they met Luljeta, and they were just floored. Like, Ky and Gold went on for years after that that they were just as bad as they were, and like, they didn’t even have the whole pining for literal years problem, so what was their excuse? No, they just kind of... they interacted with her, and she was so much sunshine, brilliant and chaotic and inevitable, and they think “Yeah. Yeah, I could try for her.” And that changed them. That changed them forever.

And yeah, pretty much anyone with eyes knows that :)

6. Does your character have recurring themes in their dreams?

Flames. It’s always been flames, before Ky even came into their family, flames. It’s always been their worst irrational fear. Eventually their fear of fire gets better and worse, better in their conscious mind (their brothers are fire elementals, and they’ve learned to recognize the warmth of family that comes with the flames) but in their subconscious, in their dreams, it gets worse, so much worse, when he heard of the Druidic Genocide that happened in Blithe during the war. 

Rot eventually is added to their bad dreams at night, and sometimes, even during the day.

Another theme: time distortion. Speedups, slowdowns, all the time; even in good dreams. They can never make sense of it. To me, though, it symbolizes their fear of immortality while knowing, again and again, without fail, they would make the same decision of choosing a good, healthy tree. Because it wasn’t for them. It was for her. And whatever comes, whatever pains or numbs them, they will remain, steadfast and sturdy against the flow. And hey - life does bring joy, too. There is always a silver lining.

On a less serious note: purple tones. They dream in pastels and forests and running, flying. They dream of letting go of their cold facade in front of the whole world of nature around them, laughing and crying and smiling and it’s just so liberating that they know they can never do this in reality in front of anyone but their family. They love it. They sing with the birds and they braid their hair and it doesn’t mean anything, they’re not an officer there, they’re just... a druid. No responsibilities, just a connection with what’s around them that they were robbed of when they were young and that they would be damned if they didn’t allow for themself now.

Also ducks sometimes :p

7. Does your character have recurring themes in their nightmares?

I guess I accidentally already answered this one,,,,, xDDDD

Gold:

24. How quick is your character to trust someone else?

Oh this boy has some Issues, as you well know xD 

When he was young, he would trust so absolutely so quickly. See: his first summoning of Ky. Immediately the kid went “ah yes, new friend!” even as Ky was freaking out, as one would, if one was seven and just summoned across enemy lines, but whatever. He snuck into wizard pentagon and batted not one eyelash at the officials with weapons chasing after him; which may be more akin to stupidity than trust, but anyway. 

But then he got to know Ky better, and it sounds bad, but Ky taught him distrust, Not by betraying him, no, but Ky is the one who taught him that not everyone has the best of intentions. Not everyone is Golden, who sees someone who is by all rights an enemy and goes “ah yes, new friend!” Some people have ulterior motives, and Ky murmurs this to him, and Golden, ever the strategist, goes duh, because he knows this (he just doesn’t believe it yet. He’s only a kid). 

Until his eyes find Ky’s newest bandage-to-soon-become-a-scar, and his fingers brush it, and he goes okay, I trust you.

He believes it when he is discovered as a half demon, and the previous Head General tries him in front of his whole military and cuts his braid, takes his wand and ID, strips him of his citizenship and chains him and leaves him to starve. Some people have ulterior motives, he whispers to himself the first night as he cries. He believes him now in a way he couldn’t before.

So he doesn’t trust in the way he could before, either. It takes him so long now, though he’s developed an instinct for it; if you ring the instinct in a bad way, it’ll be never, but ring it in a good way and it’ll be much quicker than it would be otherwise.

Once you’ve earned his trust, though, it is very, very hard to break.

25. How quick is your character to suspect someone else? Does this change if they are close with that person?

Again, he has an instinct for it, and he certainly won’t convict you if he has no evidence, but he certainly would be willing to look for it, you feel? He’s been strategizing and fighting battles and winning them and losing them too long to ignore a bad feeling. That said, he still kinda halfway keeps his childhood naivete; he looks for the best in people even if he doesn’t particularly trust them yet, and there is the difference. However, yeah, that changes real quick if he’s close with the person because - it takes so much to be close to him, and part of him can’t reconcile that with that person being suspect of anything above a harmless prank, really. He can be forced to see reason with hard unequivocal evidence, but that pretty much is what it takes. He’s got a personal rule not to suspect his friends anyway, because those are the only people guaranteed not to have ulterior motives.

32. Describe a scenario in which your character feels most uncomfortable.

The kid cannot handle watching his friends die and knowing that his own clock is ticking while his brothers - still technically is, but at a much slower, bigger scale. Because he’s known his brother long enough to know this: their biggest fear is being alone, and they’re on the fast track for it. Forever. Or, not forever. The foreseeable future, which, for Sil, is a hell of a long time. 

Or a scenario where Ky is in pain, in trouble, and he can do nothing. Replace Ky’s name with anyone he cares about, really, because that’s what it all comes down to, honestly. He can’t handle helplessness. That’s what it is about Sil’s situation, Luljeta’s, Ky’s way back in the day - that despite everything Golden is, who he is, even with his power he cannot save everyone. He can’t shield everyone from everything. That’s not how it works. 

And one day, he won’t even be there to try, and that thought terrifies him as much as it makes him grieve for his brother.

And for his love, because he will be the one to hold the blade despite how much Ky loathes it, and he can’t even spare him from that. Because he can’t do it himself.

Helplessness.

[theultimateegghead-blog]

Modest Media Game Reviews Ninja Gaiden

Game – Ninja Gaiden Year of Release – 1988 (JP) 1989 (US) Developer – Tecmo Publisher - Tecmo Rated – Pre-Dates ESRB Genre – Action Side scrolling Platformer Platform - Nintendo Entertainment System, TurboGrafx-16, Super Nintendo Entertainment System, Wii Virtual Console, Mobile phones, 3DS Virtual Console, Wii U Virtual Console

Ninja Gaiden is often referred to as one of the most insanely difficult games on the NES. A super challenging side-scroller platformer that has been simultaneously loved and criticized by fans and critics alike. Can a game be too hard for its own good? Lets find out.

Gameplay – To answer the previous question, yes, yes you can. This game’s difficulty is unfair and unbalanced. I am not saying its bad, but ill cover why it is unfair. First of all, enemies, they are the bane of this game. Enemies tend to spawn out of nowhere and in later levels spawn in such a way its almost impossible to avoid getting hit. This is best seen with the room before the final boss, where enemies rain from the ceiling and just try to hover over you while knocking you back and forth. Due to this game’s wonky respawn system, enemies immediately respawn when offscreen, and enemies that fly from the corner of the screen can appear infinitely. Look no further than the infamous birds for this example. Some enemy layouts are so complicated or so unfairly placed that its almost pure luck if you can escape. A good example is this one point in the final level where dozens of flying ninjas at various speeds and elevations bombard you while you platform, and due to the way enemies respawn, the bombardment never ends. Now with the negative out of the way, lets look at the positive. Level layouts are alright, straightforward and standard. Some of the games more infamous moments are only found late in the game regarding level layout. The cliffside is without a doubt the worst level. However, there are some good levels in there as well, the first level does a great job weaning you into the games style. Though it’s a rocky road from there. Some of the platforming feels stiff and Ryu lacks some mobility regarding his wall jumping, its easy to get stuck on a top of a wall and get hit, or an enemy might just decided to stand at the edge and make it a pain to progress. Ryu fights with a sword, meaning all foes must be very close to damage, various other things, like shuriken or fire balls appear in limited qualities. The extra tools can make certain parts a bit easier. Bosses in this game are a mix bag but are not overly difficult with two exceptions. The last 2 bosses, being Malth and the final boss room, are painfully difficult. Most of their moves seem unavoidable and losing to them means replaying some of the hardest levels in the game! I cannot give this game a very high score in this department, its not bad, but it is to frustrating and hard to be enjoyable. Please note that I did beat the game, so I’m not just moaning over not being able to beat it. Score – 12/20

Graphics – Pretty good. Each level has a color scheme that, while not realistic, is a constant. Ryu and the enemies don’t clash with the background, so you will see enemies on the screen along with interactable torches that could be hit for points, health or weapons. There are many enemy types, and the game can handle a lot of character movement at once. The cutscenes between levels look great for their time and are inspired by anime from the 80s. While some levels can feel dull or look boring, the games overall graphical presentation is up to par. Score – 8/10

Story – For a game from the 80s, where story was usually locked in the pages of a manual, Ninja Gaiden does tell a story. While this story, if told nowadays might better fit a cartoon than a game made to be taken seriously, it works really well. Ryu’s father is supposedly killed in combat, and Ryu, armed with the dragon sword seeks revenge. Ryu is hunted by the CIA, whom try to force him to help overthrow a cult trying to revive a demon. There is a romantic subplot…kind of. There is a plot point about Ryu’s father and of course there is the evil demon and the cult leader revealing his evil plans. Overall the plot is nothing special and again by today standards, it would be considered cliché. This was the 80s though, so this could be one of the most enticing game stories of the time. Couple this with the aforementioned cutscenes and you have a good solid plot. The game also leaves room for a sequel as well, but that’s a review for another day. Score – 7/10

Replay Ability – Low, there are no secrets in this game nor any elements in the game that are introduced in a subsequent playthrough. While some people speed run or try for high scores, the general audience might try it and put it down. Unless it is for nostalgia reasons of course. Given this games brutal nature, I think one playthrough will suffice all but the hardcore Ninja Gaiden fans. On the plus side, it is short enough to not eat up a day…if the player in question is good at it. Score – 2/5

Music – Pretty good! The majority of the ost is somewhat techno and upbeat. The music compounds the gameplay by being fast paced and organized yet hectic as well. Even though there is not much diversity in music, each level has its own theme. While it may sound repetitive in some cases, it is enjoyable nonetheless. Sound effects are alright, the main sound effects you will be hearing is the sound of the sword swinging and the sound of an item being picked up. I would recommend giving the ost a listen to. Score – 4/5

Overall – This game is hard, so hard that it negatively impacts the quality of presentation. While this game shines in other forms of presentation, it is the fundamental gameplay that undoes it all. There is a difference between fair and balanced hard and unfair hard. Unfortunately, a lot of old school hard games had this more unfair spike to it. Now, I think this game is flawed, yes, but its not that bad. It is frustrating but competent with level design for the most part. If you are looking for a hardcore challenge, then this is a game worth trying, but if you want a genuine tough but manageable old school Nintendo game, look elsewhere. Final score – 6.6/10 – so - so

[wittybyrd-blog]

I’ve been thinking about writing this all down for a while now. The end of S6 was so exhausting. I’m not real big with the sharing of personal feelings or emotions, but I have come a long way with it. Even so, people that know me would be shocked if they knew I was putting all of this out there for other people to judge. Deep down we are very insecure. However, I felt like I needed to put it out there in case someone shared this same type of devotion to the show for the way they handled bipolar Carrie over the years and now feel lost after all the shit that transpired in the last two seasons. I’ll put this out there knowing it is really just for me, but if someone is in despair and googles the right words, maybe they’ll find it. Plus, it is way easier for me to share with strangers and if they feel as much anguish about this show as I do, we could probably become the best of friends. :)

When I first heard that this show was in production, I was intrigued. I was given the bipolar diagnosis in my teens. I was anxious to see how they would portray a bipolar CIA agent. I’ve always felt connected to Carrie as a character for obvious reasons. I’ve defended her character over the years based on my own battles with emotional instability. I know some people thought it was unrealistic that Saul could be so close to her and not know, but it *is* possible. Many people that are bipolar could earn their own Emmy, me included. We can flip a switch and give quite the performance. I work with people who have no idea. As long as my medication is working effectively, I can keep my mood even enough to disguise any internal conflicts. I don’t have as many manic episodes anymore. Now I suffer more with all of the lows. Unfortunately, my norm is Eeyore and the lows go really low. But the mania is still there, and I still struggle daily.

I think they’ve done an excellent job incorporating (more than once) the detachment that tends to come pretty easily. There have been several times where significant time has passed without Carrie speaking to Saul. He calls. She doesn’t respond. I’ve been told before that it is like I’m on a moving train in one car and I simply unhook my train car from the rest of the train as I’m waving goodbye. Not exactly a compliment or a good quality to possess, but in retrospect, also not exactly unfounded. It is too easy for me to not look back. It is subtleties like this throughout the show that have made Carrie very relatable to me. I think the main thread that ties every aspect of her life together that is so relatable to so many bipolar people is the obsessive, addictive personality traits. Whether it is an unwavering focus on completing the “mission” or the crazy type of obsessive love for Brody, I get it all. Those are things I’ve had to control in my own life. She finally let this obsession turn the table, and she gave in. When she asked Brody why it hurt so much at the end of S2, he had that line about her giving it up to him completely. It was a perfect line. It almost destroyed her, because that’s what happens to us if we do “give it up.”

This addictive personality trait is pretty much at the core of all of her missteps when you look at the bigger picture. She wound up off her meds and in the hospital (fantastic, realistic depiction, btw) because of an obsession with Brody. After she was out, she couldn’t control her anger and blew an operation. However, the fact that she felt this rage at the surface and yet there was still this obsessive love underneath was so spot on. People who don’t suffer this way can’t comprehend an intelligent, independent woman seeking this sort of crazy need to be loved by this person. Carrie is determined and assertive. Claire Danes does a fantastic job showcasing those qualities in Carrie, all the while doing justice to this dynamic, vulnerable, and unstable side of her personality. Quinn told her that he’d want to rip Brody’s skin off if he were her, which would be the most normal response. But we aren’t “normal.” It takes years of therapy to try to trick yourself into a more appropriate response…believe me, I know. Carrie had many more responses like this that most people would think were inappropriate. Saul told Carrie that Quinn went to him with concerns after Sandy was pulled from the car. Carrie’s defensive response was that Quinn was the one upset by it, and Saul pointed out that would be the more appropriate reaction. This is one of the many reasons why I loved this show. They wrote stuff like this in that I feel is truly fundamental when portraying someone that is bipolar. When you are in this particular state, societal norms are not something you comprehend.  Your reactions can come across as callous and devoid of any real emotion. I am still amazed at how accurate it was through the first four plus seasons. 

When they first introduced Quinn into the story, it became clear to me that they were trying to find someone to fit into the role of a monitor. I knew he was going to be *that* person when he went to see Carrie in the hospital and told Saul he wasn’t okay with what they were doing to her. I happen to think it is a must to have someone like this in your corner if you want to fight the battle with this disease. There aren’t a lot of people who can take on that role and stick with it long-term. We can be incredibly hurtful and completely self-involved. But this is the shit we do when out of control…reckless abandon with no acceptance that there will be consequences in the end. That was basically S4 for Carrie.

It was hard for me to accept they were making Quinn that person, because I adored Quinn for totally separate reasons. I know the reality of what can happen to those relationships in the long run, so I actually felt sad for Quinn when I saw how deeply he cared for her. I know that sounds totally fucked up, but it typically doesn’t end well for someone with a heart of gold that tries to love you unless they’ve actually done their own research on how to love someone that is bipolar. It is actually a thing, trust me. They even have therapy groups for families and spouses, just like they do for someone who loves and cares for an alcoholic. Here Quinn is with this compassion and love, all the while fighting his own demons. Quinn isn’t a bad guy, even though he wrestles with that deeply and feels a pull to darkness. Carrie lives there all of the time. You can control it, but you know it is always there. It can easily pull you back in if you allow it. Sadly, Carrie still hasn’t dealt with the disease the way she needs to, and Quinn suffered because of it.

I thought they did an excellent job at the beginning of S4. I was worried they were going to show her having moved on easily after all that happened at the end of S3. That would have been totally unrealistic. The fact that she left Franny was not shocking to me at all. She was self-medicating even more with the drinking. That’s totally on point. Unfortunately, this is very common with bipolar disorder. If the answer to the question is drinking, then the question is, “How can I possibly make things worse?” Of course you don’t see it that way at the time. The bathtub scene was I’m sure horrifying for so many people, but it was actually quite realistic. In that moment, it seemed like the easy way out for Carrie. If you don’t keep your emotions in check and your head in the right place, you won’t be anything other than selfish. Her emotions were all over the place. That scene in the church at Sandy’s funeral laid that out pretty clearly. Like Quinn explained, it isn’t always about her. But in her world, it is. I was very much like that during different periods in my life. That’s why this show got to me. I had to relive the damage I’d done many years ago when it played out on the screen in front of me during S4. It was actually very therapeutic. I don’t ever want to forget the pain of realizing the hurt I caused, because I don’t ever want to be that person again. I asked myself quite often during S4 if I would have made those same questionable decisions Carrie was making.  The answer was always yes.

The truth is that Carrie never stood still after Brody’s death, moving quickly ahead to the next “mission.” It was inevitable that she would be reckless. Carrie was truly out of control in S4, even though some may not think it was as bad as the end of S1. It was, because it was basically this big long stretch of denial and manic behavior. She never truly came down. She was off the rails for most of the season, and that’s always where Quinn came in. It seemed like that was going to be his sole purpose for a while…try to be Carrie’s conscience. He had to fix the shit she fucked up or was about to fuck up, like having to shoot her. I was glad when they wrote in so much more for his character. I just want to cry every time I think about how her disease really destroyed him in the end. He deserved so much more. By the end of S5, I felt much more of his pain and found myself relating less and less to Carrie. I can’t imagine that was the intention of the writers since the show is about Carrie and by this point they clearly had no problem screwing over Quinn. But regardless of the intended outcome, I think most people longed for Quinn to find happiness and related more to him than Carrie…even those of us that are bipolar.

The end of S4 was truly heartbreaking for me. Even though a lot of people wonder if Carrie ever really loved Quinn, I know she did based on the one scene where she was really honest with him. Carrie is fucked up, but unless you’ve been there, it is very hard to comprehend the magnitude of it. She knows that they have this amazing bond/friendship along with this other attraction. Carrie does right by him in this episode. She acknowledges she will fuck it up, and it is legitimately inevitable at this stage. For one, I don’t think she has fully mourned Brody or truly dealt with what happened in Pakistan. Not only is she not emotionally available to Quinn at this point, she tries to make him understand that it isn’t about them just knowing each other’s shit. Truth be told, it really isn’t. She even says, “But you don’t have my condition.” It is very hard to explain to someone what it is like to be inside our head. Just because you’ve seen someone strapped to a gurney in a mental ward or being hauled off kicking and screaming doesn’t mean you’ve seen us at our worst. The worst is the selfishness, belligerence, promiscuity, and on and on. Medicine can help, but that is only part of it. Meds stop working and dosages have to be changed more frequently than most would think. Some people start feeling better and decide they don’t need medicine anymore, which can lead to suicide. That happened to my aunt. That’s why we need someone who gets us enough to know when there is trouble brewing and intervene before it is out of hand. Maggie played that role for Carrie when the show started, but that plot line sort of dissipated over the years.

The conversations between Quinn and Carrie were never about why she was acting a certain way. Was she taking her meds? Do they maybe need to be adjusted? That was never the story that played out between them. She never truly opened up to him about the illness other than to warn him off. Part of me believes she didn’t want to burden him with her demons when she knew he struggled with some of his own. I do believe she knew deep down she’d end up destroying him and the bond they had. She had finally just let someone in, really in, for the first time. It’s a little hard for her to distance herself from the outcome of that relationship. The problem is that she doesn’t trust that he will still love her if he sees all of it. We tend to feel very unworthy at the core, and definitely fear rejection from those we let in. It is easier to just tell him she will fuck it up than be honest about how scary it would be for her to really let him see what is under the surface. It is easier for her if he believes she is just manic and crazy. The hysteria only masks the vulnerability and insecurity that is deeply ingrained. Bipolar individuals tend to make the outer shell seem bulletproof and impenetrable. It often makes us come across as callous and unsympathetic. For those of us that finally come to terms with the fact that meds alone can’t fix our problems, those traits disappear and you get to see the good stuff. When Carrie says she always thought being bipolar meant you can’t be with people, she’s not wrong. I think it is one of the best lines in the show. If you’re in denial and unable to step back and see you aren’t actively doing anything to try to help yourself, then you can’t truly be with someone. At that point, you truly aren’t good for anyone. She’s exactly right.

Quinn is obviously gone by the time she calls him after having seen her mother, but the truth we don’t see is her relief. As we know, Carrie’s obsessive tendencies make her unrelenting when there is an end game for her. Do you think if she wanted to find Quinn that anything would have stopped her? I’m not buying it. She would have pressed the issue, hunting down the poor guy that was held back with the letters to find out where the plane was headed. If Carrie really believed she could be with Quinn at the end of S4, she would have made it happen. She did love him in the only way she knows how at this point in her life, which is to let him move on.  

Nothing was more fitting than seeing that Carrie had moved on with her life at the start of S5, away from all reminders of her past. She’s now in a superficial relationship with someone “safe.” She’s convinced herself she’s better off now, but I don’t buy that she really believed that. Claire Danes said in an interview that Carrie was “happy” now. You will very rarely ever hear someone bipolar describe their life as “happy.” Most of us don’t even know what that means. When she went off her meds, she didn’t even tell him. When she finally did, she had to try to explain to him the signs he should look for, etc. Had they been together this long and never really talked about what could happen at any point in their life together without much warning? That tells me she wasn’t terribly invested, so “happy” was a projection. When you have someone who loves you unconditionally, you tend to drive them away. It is easier to be in a safe relationship where you never really let that person in.

From a bipolar standpoint, S5 was kind of a mess. There were parts that stayed true to our “brand” of bipolar. The truths of bipolar were well done in those first episodes. The superficial relationships, the scenes with the insults, great sex, and paranoia when she went off the meds, the brilliantly inserted scene in the last episode that couldn’t be more bipolar…all fantastic writing.  She tries to self-medicate with sex in one of the most inappropriate life situations instead of owning her emotional instability in the wake of everything that just transpired. It’s what we do…a sad symptom for someone to actually acknowledge fully.

The rest of S5 was a total bipolar disaster. At first I thought they were going to have Carrie finally face her demons in a way that she needs to. I wasn’t surprised she didn’t tell Quinn that she was going to say yes when he left two years ago. I think a lot of people wanted that because Quinn deserved to know she loved him, but she is just too fucked up to say it. But then the writers went totally off the rails with Carrie’s behavior from that point forward. He’s back in her life to try to save her *AGAIN*, and he ends up walking away to go die somewhere so she will be free. Okay, Carrie. It is time to cut the bullshit and face your feelings for him, regardless of how that ends. She is flat out asked if it registers that Quinn is going to bleed to death trying to protect her. I’m thinking, okay, maybe this will be her wake-up call. But no, of course not. The next time we see her she is asking Otto to help her get out of town. What? Hello? Remember how Quinn is bleeding somewhere? The guy who keeps risking everything for you? Then she finally says it out loud. “I am the problem. I bring down everyone.” For a bipolar person to finally own this and actually say it out loud to someone else, this is rock bottom much like an alcoholic. This is the crash and burn part of the program, except that it wasn’t. The writers took Carrie somewhere else for the purpose of the story. Okay, I get that. The show’s focus was never bipolar disorder. But when you’ve done such a great job of writing up to this point, don’t go and fuck it all up. Carrie would have never uttered those words and then gone about selfishly like she had been. “I am the problem,” oh, and by the way, I haven’t seen Quinn for like nine days so I should probably go look for him. What the fuck? I don’t care if someone was trying to kill her. She wouldn’t admit to destroying everyone and then leave Quinn out there to maybe live or maybe die, especially after she just said she didn’t take care of him the way she should have. Here’s an idea. How about starting now? The whole sequence was infuriating…total bullshit. Like I said, don’t do a fantastic job writing in all of the small aspects of being bipolar just to blow it to bits in just a few episodes. I’m always the first to defend Carrie because I “get” her in ways that others can’t, whether I like to admit that or not. I just can’t defend this shit because it makes zero sense to me. 

Would I have risked Quinn’s life by waking him up for information he might not even have? I don’t think so. I did personally understand Carrie on this, though. Her addictive personality doesn’t allow her to leave things unfinished, and in her mind, she has to stop the attack at any cost. Knowing the decisions that Carrie has already made in the past, was anyone really surprised? I was more surprised that she struggled with the decision at all based on the fact that she left Quinn out there bleeding to death in the first place. If the writers hadn’t just subjected us to that shit sandwich, I might have believed she was torn. But they did, so I figured she’d do whatever it took to stop the terrorists. In her defense, she would want Quinn and Saul to wake her if the roles were reversed. She has to complete the mission. She also was right about what Saul wanted when he was captured. Quinn obviously stopped her and seemed a little surprised when he found out that Saul really did want her to make that call. There was that scene in S4 about it being incomprehensible that saving someone’s life could be the wrong choice. I thought about that scene quite a bit when they were making this decision about Quinn. I say “they” because it seems like everyone has forgotten that Saul was pushing for the doctors to wake him up even more than Carrie. She’s the one that was having doubts. 

I’ve been off social media for the last few years because of this show. I couldn’t take the hatred out there about Carrie, because through the first four seasons, that hatred could have easily been towards me at one point in my life. I’m pretty much watching all of my mistakes, bad behavior, and personality traits play out on screen right in front of me. It’s kind of surreal. After the finale this year, I wanted to see what people were saying. S6 was just awful, and I was curious about the reaction. Plus, I can no longer relate to Carrie. They have her using her bipolar disorder now as an excuse, a crutch. I feel like they are now misrepresenting the condition entirely. It’s sort of hard to explain.

As for S6, what a clusterfuck of epic proportion. It is hard to even describe the disappointment. So has Carrie been miraculously cured? You’d never know she struggles with being bipolar. After what happened to Quinn and having read that letter (no words for that, btw), there was no dark pit of anguish unearthed? I call bullshit, especially after her supposed epiphany in S5 about actually being the problem. Now they’re writing her like she never loved Quinn the way I know she did. They put all of these signs in there about how much she did love him, and they were especially recognizable for someone who is bipolar. It was like they made a U-turn and hoped we would forget all of that. If she had truly believed the things she said to Otto, there is no way she wouldn’t have been honest with Quinn. She would have told him they woke him from the coma and why they made that decision. It wouldn’t have been this dark cloud overhead that causes a catastrophic storm, leaving pieces of Quinn’s heart in its wake. Quinn finding out later from Dar, who is clearly trying to spin the narrative, was such a cruel story arc. All that accomplished was to shine an even bigger spotlight on Carrie’s selfish behavior. It appeared to me that the writers were trying to suggest that she was more worried about him never forgiving her and losing him for good instead of just laying it out for him and dealing with the consequences, whatever they may be. Quinn would have been devastated regardless, but I think it would have been less about her making the choice she made and more about the fact that she was able to follow through with it. Let’s face it. Even knowing it is what Carrie would have wanted had the roles been reversed, does anyone really believe Quinn could have actually gone through with it? Knowing that one of the risks was death, he would’ve never made that call. He loved her too much. She was able to make that call, though. Quinn having to come to terms with that is just heartbreaking. 

I feel the writers seemed to be trying very hard to make us believe that Carrie really was taking care of him out of guilt and not love. With what played out in S5, she would have answered honestly as to why she saved him. But they’re writing her as running scared all of a sudden, and a bipolar individual is only scared when they’ve made the decision to actually face it all. She’s still acting selfishly, and that is the time you would be the most unselfish. The writing was so contradictory and inconsistent with each new episode. Again, Homeland was never meant to be a show about bipolar. I totally get that, but the way it was woven in through the first four seasons was masterful and accurate. Thank you, Meredith Stiehm. If you don’t want that to be a point of focus throughout the entire run of the show, don’t introduce it at all.

As for my love for Quinn as this beautiful, unselfish human being, it only grew stronger from S5 on. He believed he was flawed, but he also owned it. Even though he had this hard shell and didn’t let a lot of people in, he loved Carrie and tried to be a moral compass for her. I do think the writers did a disservice by showcasing Carrie as somewhat immoral and not ever really letting Quinn in on the real reasons why. Most bipolar people aren’t immoral at the core. They’re actually quite compassionate because they feel so deeply and their emotions run so strong. But when the disease isn’t in check, they make completely irrational and snap decisions that can lead them down that rabbit hole. The brain’s complexity is a wonderland to most of us. Quinn was owed a happy ending by this disaster of a show. What was the point of bringing Astrid back only to have her murdered in a way that would lead to Quinn feeling responsible? How tragic for Quinn to finally realize this woman loves him in the way he loves Carrie before she dies. I just don’t understand what happened to this show that I once loved so much.

I’m not sure how much of the show was rewritten to be relevant (whatever the fuck that actually means), but I’m surprised that Claire was okay with how this was written for Carrie. She’s a producer, after all. I know she did a lot of research when she took on this role, so she had to know that this arc would not be received well by most of the bipolar community. It would have been better for Quinn to have died at the end of S5 and start S6 with her finally owning her demons and trying to come to terms with everything she’d done. When you’re still in the denial phase as to the depths of the selfishness this disease can cause, the only people you truly hurt are the people that deeply love and care for you. That’s why the narrative was so off in S5. If you believe you bring everyone around you down so much that you’ve decided the only solution is to go away for good and take all of your problems with you, the rest of S5 would have played out very differently. I know I keep going back to that, but as someone who truly knows the effects of this disease, the train flew off the tracks for me in S5. I remember Claire saying back in ’13 or ’14 that she was always monitoring the depiction of her condition because she wanted to do right by those with this disorder. She never wanted it to be a convenient gimmick. I’m really surprised based on those comments that is has become just that.

Due to the horrific writing, I would understand if Rupert Friend had some hard feelings. He wants to play a character he’s proud of. I did see some people unhappy with Rupert’s comments about Carrie after the finale. I’m sure much of that was because they wanted a happy ending for them, but that was honestly a pipe dream. I think they could have been together under a certain set of circumstances in the future, but Carrie would have had to evolve a lot before that ever happened. I didn’t have a problem with his comments at all. He readily admits he never actually watched the show, so he never saw it put together the way we did. When he speaks about Quinn, you can tell how much he loved him. I think that is very endearing. He did write the letter himself, after all. As far as he’s concerned, it was Carrie alone that forced the doctors to wake him up. Quinn doesn’t know she struggled with the decision or that Saul was a big part of it. Quinn doesn’t know a lot of things about Carrie that we know from being on the outside looking in at the bigger picture. He finds it tragic that Quinn died thinking he was never really loved, and why wouldn’t he? He did research for his character, not Claire’s character. The real effect of bipolar disorder on intimate relationships was never addressed. Carrie loved him deeply, but she would have never been able to love him the way he deserved until she really dealt with her shit. Rupert Friend isn’t viewing Carrie through a bipolar prism like I am, so his comments seemed quite fair to me. In the end, I didn’t see Carrie through that prism either. The writers destroyed that for me in S5. I felt deeply for Quinn, not Carrie.

I would like to pretend there was no S6. They did a disservice not only to the bipolar community but to veterans physically wounded and suffering from PTSD. Why bring Rupert back to tell that story if you weren’t going to do it long-term? What a fucked up mess. Rupert was fantastic…Claire, I don’t know what to think. I think she should have realized this season would make Carrie someone many of us don’t even want to root for anymore. Believe me, I have always been Carrie’s biggest advocate. I understood her behavior, especially in S4 when many people didn’t. About the only bipolar thing Carrie did in S6 was get defensive with Saul about Quinn’s death and apparently never grieved for Quinn the way she should have. “Maybe I didn’t know him as well as you think.” Yeah, okay then. This really means I’m going to be defensive and deflect because I’m unable to react to this like a “normal” person. If I stand still for even a second, I’m going to lose it (the way she should have realistically already lost it). It’s a real thing. It doesn’t have to be about facing reality or mourning death. It can be as simple as working 60 hour weeks for a few months. A “normal” person would crash for a while, get some sleep, and move on. We become unreasonable, belligerent, and defensive when we’ve hit that wall. A MAJOR downward spiral occurs that isn’t easy to climb out of. If they want to be real next season, she will finally stand still and hit that wall. With everything that’s happened, I hope for her sake that it is THE wall. The wall that has to be taken apart painstakingly and slowly, brick by brick, so that you can finally walk through and face all of it with the realization and desire of knowing you don’t ever want to end up back on the other side. 

I was so pleased with the writers in the beginning for adding in so many of the more minor aspects of Carrie’s personality that I could relate to. I realize every person suffers in different ways. If it sounds like I’m making generalizations that ALL individuals with bipolar have certain tendencies, that is not my intention. However, there were many things *I* found quite relatable. I believe that self-reflection is a necessity, but it is scary as hell and the fear can paralyze you. There’s a reason Carrie is such an asset to the agency. It isn’t just the addictive and obsessive personality. She also isn’t afraid of putting herself in incredibly dangerous situations to get the information she needs. We aren’t afraid of death. Hell, many of us try to take our own lives. It isn’t death a bipolar person fears. It is the reflection in the mirror when you’ve been in denial. Who am I and what damage have I done? When you finally become self-aware enough to deal with that person looking back at you, that’s when you truly crash and burn and start to rebuild. She clearly isn’t there. “I can’t lose another one” translates to this is still all about me and my selfish needs. I don’t know if the writers will ever really go there. If they don’t, there won’t be a realistic happy ending that so many want for Carrie, including Claire. It just isn’t possible. And that would be a tragic way to end a show that was once so brilliantly written…

[seasaltmemories]

Rosea Puella Year 5

Rating: T

Summary: Whenever she got a moment for introspection, Kougyoku couldn't help but muse it was like after her first time. The world both seemed radically different from before, but little had really changed. She was now a mother-a title that not even death could erase-but at the core of her being, she was still the Kougyoku that had chosen to run away from her problems instead of facing them head on. A baby had not changed her fundamentally.

It was only the next day, either of them noticed Judal was gone. Things had been so busy that his absent had taken a while to have an effect.

Ka Koubun was the one to tell her. While she was breastfeeding Taohua and dreaming of a future with the four of them as a family, he came in and told her without even the dignity of appearing sorry.

"Oh," That was all she could remember saying, feeling like things were a dream. Judal was gone.

She went to bed without commenting any more on it. It really wasn't that surprising she kept telling herself. He had never wanted this life. He had made it clear to her at every step of the way. There was nothing she could do now. Life had ran well enough before he had become a part of it. She would survive well enough without him.

When she awoke in the middle of the night to a piercing screech, her first instinct was to reach for Judal, to make sure that whatever danger befell them that he was alright. It was only once she realized the screams were coming from Taohua, did she remember he was gone.

There's no reason to miss the monster.

She chided herself mentally as she fed Taohua. So she had lost a partner to take out her desires on. It wasn't like she had loved him. It wasn't like either of them had been deluded about the shaky state of their relationship.

Kougyoku sighed.

It's still going to be strange getting used to not having him around.

Those first few weeks were nothing like she had dreamed them to be. In her mind she had pictured Taohua being a peaceful force over the household, the key to the idyll domestic life she had always dreamed of during her childhood.

But as wonderful as it was holding her in her arms, Taohua seemed unable to be satisfied. There was never a moment to have to herself. Even at night, she couldn't rest for long without Taohua bawling for seemingly no reason.

And sometimes Kougyoku wanted to just let her scream and scream until her little lungs gave out. However whenever that dark thought passed, she would scold herself for daring to entertain such a notion and tend to her as a mother should.

Whenever she got a moment for introspection, Kougyoku couldn't help but muse it was like after her first time. The world both seemed radically different from before, but little had really changed. She was now a mother-a title that not even death could erase-but at the core of her being, she was still the Kougyoku that had chosen to run away from her problems instead of facing them head on. A baby had not changed her fundamentally.

Stupid whore. Useless princess. Waste of space.

Her personal demons would not leave her even with the departure of one of their kind. How could she have been so foolish? She was just as naive at twenty-five as she had been at seventeen. This was no new reality, she had only been deluding herself with fantasies built from a past they would never get back. Just had to get over it and accept things.

Even so, it hurt to realize there was no other option left.

"What do you think of moving before the planting season starts?"

If Kougyoku hadn't had Taohua resting firmly on her hip, she might have dropped her at the statement. Why did Ka Koubun always have to do this? Today had been looking to be a good day, yet he seemed determined to drag her into whatever plan he schemed.

"My answer is the same. Rakushou holds nothing for-"

"I understand that, just please hear me out Gyoku," Brown eyes held nothing but sincerity, and so she was forced to listen. "I meant what I said about our little farm here in Xiaoshi being valuable, but there's a risk that now you're an unmarried woman with a child. Ruan isn't too far and might be a good place to settle as a supposedly married couple who just started their family. We'd integrate with the locals much easier then."

"When have I ever cared about this village?" The monotone of her voice surprised even her. Still the truth was Kougyoku couldn't name a single thing about her neighbor despite living next to them for the last five years.

"I understand, believe me, I speak from a purely business perspective." Ka Koubun wrinkled his nose as if detecting a horrible stench. "Besides now that he's gone it might be wise to downsize our-"

"That's the reason for this isn't it?" She laughed at the realization, but there was no humor to it. "You want to get rid of him for good. So that even if he does return he has no idea where we went."

"Gyoku, you're blowing this out of proportion-"

"Aren't I telling the truth though?" She leaned forward, teeth bared like fangs. "You always have your plans, your schemes, whatever idea it is to turn me into something I'm not. He can't be part of the me you want, so you want him gone."

"I'm not going to have this discussion with you, Gyoku," Ka Koubon's words were so sharp she couldn't help but flinch. "However may I ask one question? Are you waiting for him to return, and if you are, what are you planning to do?"

Kougyoku drew herself to her full height, shifting Taohua into a more comfortable position.

"I'm not holding my breath for him, but if he comes back then I'll give him what he deserves." Visions of them sparring as they used to swarmed her head-only this time she would show no mercy. She'd don her hairpin and-

Her heart stuttered in her chest, and she tried not to choke on her tongue in the process. Still as she hacked up a lung, Ka Koubun went into full on protective mood.

"Gyoku are you ok?" His hand was on her back and he taken Taohua from her arms. Even so Kougyoku could not stop the shivers going down her spine.

The Traitor King still haunts you. He is another demon that lingers.

"I'm fine."

She was just having to get used to remembering it was not one but two men who have betrayed her now.

Kougyoku began to notice the cellulite covering the back of her legs soon after the planting season started.

Despite having no one to impress, the dimples irritated her to no end. It was another sign of how she wasn't the innocent maiden she tried to so hard to prove to the court, and while she knew it shouldn't matter at this point, it still did.

Things were like their first year here, minus the baby that was tied to her back. They'd carry water from the well and plow and request seeds from the main store and do anything to fit in. It was even more of a lost cause than before though. There was no escaping the judgmental stares that were thrown her way whenever she was forced to bring Taohua into town.

Still that didn't change work. Work was work, the same as it always had been. They'd rise early to get a head start on the day so that by noon they'd break for lunch, but soon they'd go back to work. And then they'd break for dinner and go to bed. Kougyoku knew Ka Koubun was trying again to tired her so much, the voices wouldn't speak. It didn't work though, they never stopped.

Stupid whore. Useless princess. Waste of space.

She wanted to become a doll. Sit there like a pretty little thing. When people say hello, you reply with a small wave. Wash, rinse, and repeat. When people asked if you were ok say,

"I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine." Say it until it doesn't even sound like a word. They say the more you tell a lie, the more it starts to become true. Whoever they are.

But before the transformation was complete, Taohua would cry, and Kougyoku would be reminded once more of the cellulite.

She told herself she didn't want him back, and there was truth to that statement. His presence would hardly make things better. If anything his absence was one less problem she has to handle.

Still that didn't make her body want his any less.

The late summer nights left Kougyoku hot and restless for two very different reasons. The first had to do with the heat that made even a light cotton blanket stifling. The second had to do with the phantom limbs that didn't even belong to herself.

In her dreams, he had never left. His mouth still crushed hers with the same intensity, as if been branded with his tongue. Her hips bucked to the same rhythm she had memorized during their time together. Her senses were overwhelmed by each touch yet begged for more and more until-

Taohua's cries once more broke Kougyoku from her slumber, high-pitched and unrelenting. Maybe if she had been a bit quieter Kougyoku would have been able to tolerate it. Maybe if her dreams hadn't been so tantalizingly real for a split second she would have gotten up as usual.

But for whatever reason, Kougyoku could not control herself this time and screamed back.

"Just shut up! Why can't you be quiet for just one second?!"

It took a moment for her to even register the words that have come out her own mouth. But then once they did, Kougyoku was up and cradling Taohua with the utmost care.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," She rubbed her cheek against Taohua's, planting soft kisses to her brow. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I don't know what's come over me." She didn't know personally what mothers were supposed to act like, but this couldn't be proper behavior. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Kougyoku kept repeating and repeating herself until Taohua was latched to her breast once more and feeding.

The more the dream faded from the front of her conscious, the more shame ate away at her core. God what was she doing? She chose to have a child and this is how she treated her?

"I need to be strong," Kougyoku wasn't sure who she was talking to, but it didn't matter at this point. "I've had years of weakness. I need to be strong."

Stupid whore. Useless princess. Waste of space.

This time there was no use denying those accusations.

For a while there, Kougyoku really fooled herself. She thought she was actually showing strength instead of running away again. She finished up the planting season with Ka Koubun and went back to her needlework and caring for Taohua. It was easy to think she was doing well with the cold weather as an excuse not to go out as often. It was easy to hide behind a lie and insist no this time she really was moving forward.

However, the truth came crashing down on her the minute she let her guard down.

It happened when she was least expecting it. Kougyoku was having a good day as she brought groceries back from the general store and then she caught sight of him. In a flash, her body moved on its own and she was back home without an idea how she got there.

"Gyoku?" Ka Koubun looked up from his book. "Are you ok? You're trembling?"

She hadn't even noticed how she had been shaking so hard that the items in her arms had practically flown out from them.

"I'm fine," It didn't matter in the long run. A few bruised pieces of fruit was nothing in comparison to this. "Get Taohua."

"Why, what's going on-" She was already racing off to her room, fumbling through her belongs for it. It was only once she held the hairpin case did she stop and think about the implications of everyone.

I can't defend my family. I can't defend it even from him.

She didn't realize she was crying until the tears began to roll off her cheek, and after that there was no stopping them. All the days and weeks and months of trying to stay strong and move on came crashing out in chocked sobs.

"How dare you leave me like this..." Like the tears, the words came out without her knowledge. "I told you I didn't want to go at this alone, but still..."

"Gyoku," Ka Koubun was leaning down in front of her now, Taohua in his arms. "Gyoku, tell me what's going on, please."

"Why does this keep happening to me? Why does every man I fall for ultimately betray me? Please Ka Koubun can you explain?"

He began to chew on his lips, obviously at a lost for words; he began to open his mouth, but before he could speak, there was a knock at the door.

"Let me answer that, then we'll deal with this."

Kougyoku moved to grabbed his robes in fear, but he was gone in a flash. There was nothing to do but wait for her world to end.

Everything is ruined you stupid whore, useless princess, waste of space.

"Gyoku," Ka Koubun was back in front of her again, Taohua still in his arms. What, this didn't make sense? Was time just repeating itself, was she doomed to a loop pf her own self-destruction?

"Gyoku that was just a Sindrian peddler, what has you so scared?"

Just a peddler? Then the Traitor King really hadn't sent someone to drag her back to Rakushou or murder her in her sleep. The relief from that realization was so overwhelming, she began to laugh. And then she laughed and laughed and laughed until there was no air left in her lungs.

"Dear lord, I'm a mess," Kougyoku sighed as the exhaustion hit her full force. "It doesn't matter how hard I try, but I'm not strong enough. I'm sorry Ka Koubun." She smiled but there was no joy to it.

There really was no reason to pretend otherwise.

A.N. *Arrives a year later with Starbucks in hand* So about that cliffhanger... I didn't mean to leave it for a year, but whoops stuff happens. I won't give you a sob story. Just know that neither me or this story is dead quite yet.