#I think Caine has in fact possessed me

[an-albino-pinetree]

@sm-baby

[taradiddled]

Eve: Don’t think of me as your replacement. Think of me as a taller, buffer, more athletically inclined and aesthetically pleasing being. Kinder, compassionate, sympathetic, and more of a mind to negotiate for peaceful resolutions.

Cain: Who was also sent to replace you.

Lilith: Do you think that makes you better than me?

Eve: No. I think it makes me my own fucking person. Let’s be real, Lilia. You would NEVER have made it as the Mother of Humanity. You get told ‘no’ and you treat it like an offense. Addie told me how you tried pressuring him into doing things he didn’t want to do. Your way or the devil’s highway, am I right?

Lilith: And you’re going to take Adam’s word for it? He doesn’t have the whole story.

Eve: Cain, I need you to go pick those flowers for me, over there.

Cain: What?

Eve: Cain. I’d like to have a private talk with the Queen of Hell. Can you go pick me those flowers? Please?

Cain: Ugh. Fine.

Lilith: Is there something you want to say to me that you’re worried you can’t say in front of your son?

Eve: I just want to give him a break from hearing you try to pin the blame on his parents. I mean, I’m giving you cold, hard facts, and you keep trying to spin them. I know you could do that as Queen of Hell, but here in the Real World, that won’t fly.

Eve: It doesn’t matter how your story goes, Lilia, because you are no longer possessing any power to hold over me or anyone else here. You’re at The End. Your magic is gone. You have zip. Zilch. Nada. I don’t buy the shit you’re selling, and I’m holding the chains that bind you. So maybe you should start thinking like someone who has a fucking clue and understand that, whatever happens to you next? I’ve got a hand in it. So maybe you should stop trying to run with the same old drivel you’ve been running for so damn long, and open your mind to New Ideas and New Thinking. You’re all about that New Thinking, right?

Lilith: *refusing to show that she’s just a little impressed*

[ananke-xiii]

T stands for Tara (or maybe for Trauma)

Rewatching S9 sure is a lesson in paying attention for me 'cause I missed so many things the first time it's almost like I'm watching a new season now. The biggest example is, of course, Dean's emotions vs Responsibility/Accountability.

The Gadreel Thing is so much more layered than I thought and this was on me cause the show was spitting facts: Dean gets manipulated by the angel, there's no doubt about that. The show makes it abundantly clear from episode 1 that angels are, generally speaking, not to mess with and now even more so, now that they're on earth, fallen and in pain they are even more deranged and dangerous than usual. They're desperate for vessels and it's a real fucking mess, it's absolutely ugly.

Now, Dean doesn't really know about all this but he does know that angels are dicks, I think he even trademarked the phrase. However, Dean's desperate cause a fucking doctor told him that Sam's life is in God's hands (as he had a right to be, fuck you Doctor but also, in hindsight, LOL if only they knew they were indeed in God's hands all along...). He prays for Cas, Cas doesn't answer and what does he do? He prays for angels, any angel who will listen.

And this is Dean's fatal flaw: one might say he's too emotional or that he's emotional disregulated but Dean acts based on what he feels at the moment and he has two modes: either he feels nothing or too much and this is unfortunately not healthy, talking from experience.

The thing is that Dean's emotions are treated as a sort of moral compass in the show, as something that either justifies or blames him and I'm not sure that's fair to Dean, to the other characters and to the audience too.

But back to S9, S9 really pointed the finger at Dean's emotions and said this is what happens when you're not centered in yourself: people take advantage of you. Because Dean was taken advantage of by Gadreel, by Crowley and even by Cain. it's abysmally sad.

So, in my view, Dean was responsible for making a desperate call to desperate monsters based on desparate emotions and that sets off a chain of events that he cannot be entirely held accountable for. This doesn't mean Sam shouldn't be pissed, he has all the right to be so. What I'm saying is that they're so focused on their issues (the same they had by the end of s8 that s9 has just taken to its tragic extremes) that they're not seeing the bigger picture. And while Sam can be justified for failing to see it because he was also a victim of manipulation (a manipulation where his own brother has a hand in) and literally not in his sound mind, Dean should be able to start gathering the pieces but he fails to do so. Why?

I think an extremely interesting episode is "Bad Boys", if I remember the title correctly. The one where we come to know that Dean was in a boys' home for 2 months. Full disclosure I don't like the episode for its overly sentimental tone and 'cause there are a lot of factual incorrect things but it very well succeeds in showing us the root of Dean's behavior.

In this episode Dean clearly states (and he seems to believe it) that it wasn't John's fault (as Sam pointed out) that he got arrested and brought to Sonny's boys' house. It was his fault.

And we, we absolutely see that this is 100% not true. Like, none at all. All the fault was 100% on John, period. But here they are, something like 15 or more years later and Dean, a full adult now, still thinks that it was his fault.

So, once again, in case we had forgotten, the show reminded us that the main source of Dean's issue with responsibility stems from his childhood trauma.

This is why he now blames himself for Kevin's death and Sam's possession. Which it's actually true cause he did call the angels in a reckless, illogical, desperate moment, bringing havoc on that poor hospital instead of waiting for 5 fucking minutes and calm down. So yeah, Dean's got a problem. However he is NOT responsible for Gadreel's con just like he wasn't responsible for John being a neglectful and abusive father. And yet he takes these burdens on himself because he did call the angels and he did steal the bread but both times he acted from a place of desperation and both symbolical and literal starvation.

it's still a problem but it's another kind of problem.

Now, what does S9 in this regard? It made it all worse. Yeah.

Dean makes the same mistake twice but this time I will hold Dean if not responsible, surely accountable for it.

Tara is the glaring example of what I'm trying to say.

Tara is the woman John Winchester had a thing with while they were hunting a knight of hell together. Or something like that. She dies because of Dean but this time Dean doesn't blame himself, he blames Crowley and he's in the wrong.

Crowley manipulates Dean just like Gadreel did. In fact, Dean was hunting for his prey, Gadreel, when Crowley shows up promising to do something fun fun fun together. And Dean capitulates because this is what he thinks the solution to his problems is: fun without consequences. Except, there are. like. tons of them.

Of course, Crowley's not Gadreel and he knows Dean so much better and uses the ghost pf John Winchester to lure him in ("Does T stand for terrible father?" etc). Together they go to one of John's storage units (parents trapped in demonic storage units while their sons become ghosts or even demons is a literal thing in s9, ask Linda Tran; the symbolic implications are simply delicious, I'll forever love Carver for his command of symbolism) and the dance begins.

They end up in Tara's shop and here Dean is the absolute worst: he fucking shows there with the literal King of Hell by his side, downright lies about it and fucking reassures Tara that it's all good and she should trust them. Them?! A literal stanger AND the King of Hell? Dean was out of his mind with grief and hurt etc but this is borderline stupid and demanding and all sorts of bad things that got Tara dead by skin-peeling. Ugh.

Tara immediately calls his bullshit because she has the knee thingy: her knee aches in the presence of a demon. Yeah, yeah, Dean's a demon foreshadowing, cool, but also. like. Dean lied and he came clean just cause he couldn't do otherwise.

He vouches for Crowley and this leads to admittedly even stupider Tara to believe this stranger and put a bullet in her demon trap, an action that will later prove fatal for her.

So Tara dies horribly because of the Capital Sin of Trusting Impossibly Beautiful White Men Who Claim They Want to Save&Protect People but really, mainly because of Dean.

And I find it sooo interesting and telling that Dean is ready to beat himself up for Kevin and Sam to the point of taking on the fucking Mark of Cain because he didn't have the tools to handle big emotions (not his fault but it is his responsibility as an adult to try and look into this since it's apparenlty hurting people). However, he promptly distanced himself from Tara: that was on Crowley.

And maybe it was. Because Crowley was manipulating Dean etc. But how come Dean CAN see where responsibility lies NOW and yet he cannot see it in the Gadreel Thing? How can he absolve himself so easily?

Here lies Dean's second fatal flaw, one that he shares with his brother: for all their talks about saving people and the world, at the end of the day they only care about their own world, that is strictly each other. And they do that because SURPRISE!SURPRISE! their only caregiver didn't care for their well-being and closed them off from the real world. Literally so. Dean didn't go to the dance, supposedly didn't keep learning how to play guitar, didn't do any other boxing match or whatever he did in high school.

The show presents it as HIS choice but was it really??? He was a goddamn kid, of course he wanted those things AND he wanted to be with his brother. If choice it was, it was an utterly unfair one and definitely a choice too big for a 16 yo teenager. Similar thing applies to the Gadreel Thing: it was Dean's choice but was it really? People see it differently but I'd say that choice under coercion is not a real choice, add trauma and unresolved issues to the mix and you've got a recipe for disaster.

Now, I'm not one for "John's the monster in this story" cause he's another complicated character but also yes, as a parent he is a monstrous parent and understanding his trauma doesn't justify him, just like with any other character.

This is, of course, the core of the Carver era and one of the reasons why I like it: because it doesn't shy away from showing Sam and Dean's hypocrisy and where it comes from.

Finally, I just want to say that Tara in Buddhism is "The Venerable Mother of Liberation", the one who compassionately saves people in the samsara. It's ironic that she gets brutally killed right before Dean takes on the mark, am I right? It's also not ironic that Carver era ended with the Resurrection of Mary Winchester after Dean was released of the Mark and released The Darkness in the world. They did a thing.

[ruinedsam]

Anyway I really love this because Sam needs people who haven't been sanctioned by Dean in his corner and the fact that they're all demons is something that would torment Sam (which I find very enjoyable because I'm a sicko).

Exactly, you get it. Sam finally has people in his corner that aren’t also in Dean’s (or who won’t prioritize Dean over Sam), except they’re all demons so what is it saying about him that the only beings who prefer Sam over Dean are literal demons, people who live in Hell? What does it say about him that Abbadon and Meg, one a Knight handpicked by Lucifer and the other Azazel’s daughter who is wholly loyal to Lucifer, are the only people not siding with Dean over Sam in this? Lucifer and Azazel ruined his life, yet the people who are empathizing with Sam the most here were people with clear ties to one or both.

And I think that considering there was a rift over Gadreel and Dean got the mark from Cain, we should’ve had another rift during this with Sam siding with Abbadon, make it a very clear mirror of Cain and Abel, only it’s not quite clear if this story will have Abel killing Cain. And Sam’s demon powers should make a reappearance, not sure how bc this is just vague rambles really as opposed to a detailed idea, so we have Dean’s mark slowly turning him into a demon, Sam is ironically the more human one but his powers have grown beyond even what he was capable of in s4 to go along with the idea that the psychic kids were capable of reaching all the powers they collectively had and could extend even farther considering none of them were shown to kill demons until Sam in season 4; I think there should be some kind of fight between Sam and Dean here, Crowley comes to unleash Dean on Abbadon, except this is ultimately about the Cain and Abel of it all so the brothers ultimately go after each other. And since Sam’s demon powers have returned, we keep hearing echoes of all the times Dean has wanted to kill Sam, with John’s final instructions being either the first or last thing we hear and one of them being “at least he dies human,” but Sam hasn’t been fully human since he was six months old and he never needed the feather to fly. Sam’s eyes are glowing yellow by the way, he’s Azazel’s son.

Thinking about these dynamics post Gadreel makes me insane. Dean, the person who is closest to him, betrayed Sam in the worst way by taking away his autonomy and gaslighting him about it and the only people who side with him are the people who are closest to Azazel and Lucifer who started this cycle of robbing Sam of his autonomy in the first place...

And what does this say about Meg and her relationship with Sam. Meg was fine with Lucifer possessing him. She possessed him herself. So it's not like it's about the principle of the thing (Sam's autonomy). In that way she mirrors Dean, who too is fine with someone possessing Sam as long as it aligns with his own goals. Sam is the eternal little brother whose older siblings see his autonomy as something that can be compromised on. (Obviously with Dean it's way worse, he was the instigator of Sam's possession and hid it from him, which Meg did not do, Dean feels entitled over Sam's life in a way that Meg doesn't, but I do think the parallel is there and is something that Sam would notice.)

SPN did so often parallel Sam and Dean to Cain and Abel/imply there was going to be a brother vs brother thing but never really committed to it, I like that they're really going for it in this AU. And Sam with yellow eyes is the best!

[dirthara-dalen]

Alliance Alert: Reunion

Requirement: The Dragon’s Maw 

Contact: Cain Xeno

Overview: 

I think it best that we have this 'reunion' back home, where it all started. I'll be waiting at your estate on Alderaan. You owe me an explanation for what happened to you and why I sensed your 'death'.

(Lore addition got a bit long so i put it undercut to avoid clog dash's)

A few months after Ligastar was put into carbonite Cain went 'missing'. Cain genuinely felt his twin die and it broke something in him. He goes off on a personal crusade against the Eternal Empire dead set on killing Arcann. During this time he is nearly fully consumed by the dark side several times.

When Ligastar returns five years later Cain is contacted by his older brother. Solaris tells him that this little brother is alive and has become the commander of the alliance. Cain does not believe him as he still cannot sense his twin through the force. What he doesn't realize is Valkorion's possession of Ligastar has fucked with their ability to sense one another.

On Nar Shaddaa Cain finally makes contact with Arcann and actually fights him in a sheer fit of rage. Arcann, who had been healed by, manages to subdue Cain after realizing he was not righting the commander. He sense in Cain a familiar rage and knows it will consume him if left unchecked.

It takes a shit ton of work but Arcann eventually convinces Cain to help him. He reveals everything including the fact that Ligastar risked everything to allow Senya to heal him. During his time aiding Arcann he became known as "The Princes Wrath" by man supporters. When they crash Vaylin's party he is surprised to see his brother. It's also at this point in time he finally understands what Arcann told him. Valkorion is indeed possessing his brother. the only reason eh can sense this is due to having been possessed himself on Ziost. However, he puts his current mission first and helps Arcann find Vaylin.

On Odessen Ligastar receives this alert and travels to Alderaan where the twins have an extremely emotional reunion.

[curmoritor]

@lielove, @photopocalypse, @antedose, & @beloven send me some numbers!

4. does your muse find any specific features particularly attractive? Eyes. If it wasn't obvious enough with the fact he stole Cain's eye because it was a perfect honey color, then now you know! He really likes eyes. If you have a boring eye color to him, it's a negative.

5. what is your muse's ideal first date? That's a good question, he has like no concept of "dates" or how they work. If he takes you somewhere he likes while also liking you as a person, that would basically be a date. So his ideal first date is probably showing the person he likes the forest of dreams and telling them about how horrific it is.

6. would your muse kiss on the first date? Yes- He kiss before the first date. He'd kiss you if he just met you if he was into you enough. He has what i like to call "Obsession at first sight". Wizards have problems with their love being incredibly extreme to the point of obsession that can even be harmful to themselves, so if he liked you it's not a 'teehee you are so cute' puppy dog thing, it would be an extreme obsession that he would not be able to deal with because he can't handle strong feelings.

9. is your muse monogamous or polyamorous? would they be interested in a polyamorous relationship? It's not an impossibility, but Owen would have to REALLY REALLY like whoever is in the poly relationship. His possessiveness and jealousy is very strong that it would mostly like not work out unless it were very specific situations or you just never called it a relationship. Like, he could kiss both Bradley and Mithra and absolutely have some feelings for them but none of the three of them ever call it anything so they are able to bypass any "unnecessary feelings". They are totally just bros that kiss sometimes /hj

10. has your muse ever been cheated on? would they ever cheat on their partner(s)? No and No.

12. does your muse get flustered easily? how would they typically react to compliments from someone they are interested in/dating? He does! He is, as sapph has affectionately called it, violently embarrassed. If you embarrass or fluster him, he will more then likely react in some violent manner. Never anything overly painful or mean- but he may punch your arm or kick your leg because he... does not know how to deal with it and being born northern means that the answer to anything you don't understand is violence. So he reacts violently.

16. what is/are your muse's love language(s)? Simply watching the people he likes or being in their space. He is like a old dog. He doesn't want to be touched or bothered, but if he likes you he will sort of just stay at your side and watch you to make sure everything is okay. Otherwise, the main story showed that if he really likes you and thinks something or someone is a problem he'll sort of bashfully offer to kill them for you while shyly playing with his hair.

17. what are some of the signs that your muse shows their care/love without saying they love/care about their partner? Same as above, but he'll also watch whoever it is that he likes sleep. He is keeping guard and not sleeping but he wants to make sure they sleep well, so he just watches. A lot of his actions in romance settings would really be seen as creepy, weird or things like that- but given that he was raised by wolves it makes a lot of sense.

23. would your muse be good at recognizing their partner's needs right away, or would it take some time? Yes, but he is terrible at doing literally anything about it. He is bad at being willing to help because he views it as an insult to pride because of his nature. He is bad at consoling because showing emotions, especially vulnerable ones, is dangerous in the north. He isn't good at it! He would try if it really needed to be done, but he would be very bad at it.

26. is your muse more likely to be loud and proud about being in a relationship, or are they more quiet about it at first and open up about it over time? He is quiet about it! It's no ones business but his own. Having a weakness like a partner is something he'd perceive as dangerous and he's really beat himself up over falling in love like fools like Tiletta did. He doesn't view it positively because of being northern.

28. would it bother your muse if they had differing interests from their partner(s), or would they delight in it? He wouldn't really be bothered! He'd actually be rather willing to indulge in others interests to a certain extent- so long as he doesn't view them as something demeaning. But if you so much as say 'oh, it's okay, i thought you couldn't do it' he will do literally anything because he needs to PROVE he can do it.

[freyous]

The Devil and His Details

This is based on this prompt on r/writingprompts.

Hell is suing the church for defamation. Not for painting them as evil, but because they spread the myth of demons possessing humans. And if there is one thing that Satan respects, it’s free will

“Mister…” The judge began to call as he read through the paper on his desk. This case had been prepared for, who got jurisdiction over what, but no matter how much one prepared, it was daunting to have this… thing before him.

“Morningstar, yes, don’t be afraid of the name.” He had no features that would make him stand out, he wasn’t dashing or scary, and he had a forgettable face. Someone you could pass in the street and never think of again. This was the face of the devil, just another man in the world. “Before people were afraid of my name they hated it.”

“Yes, of course… Mister Morningstar.” The judge cleared his throat. “So, you are here with the intent to… sue the Christian Church… for defamation?”

Mr. Morningstar walked from behind the table and looked around at the people in the room. He steepled his fingers as he motioned to those who represented the Christian Church. “Yes, and I have a damning case against them, your honor.”

The defense moved uneasily as they awaited the words of Morningstar.

“One of the greatest claims, more specifically among the quote unquote Roman Catholics, is that Thee Devil can posses people.” He motioned over to one of the priests at the table. “I am here to argue that they have besmirched my name.”

The defense sat and watched Morningstar. To which he just smiled softly towards them.

“My response to this heinous assumption is simply. No.” People in the stands behind began to talk amongst themselves in a lower hushed tone before the judge hit the gavel. “I would never take another man’s free will. Cain proved that, I never needed to.” He sat on the edge of this table and looked around the room. “Human nature is a fact, just as entropy is a fact. Humans act on human desires. Those desires can lead to… the death of a brother. An abuse of power.” His gentle eyes looked toward the defense attorney. 

“Objection! Heresy.” The defense shot out.

“Defense, you are not on trial here, but Mr Morningstar… please refrain from using any… outside information to intimidate the defense further on.” The judge swallowed. His eyes never looked toward Morningstar anymore. He didn’t want to know what he saw within him.

“Of course your honor.” Morningstar folded his arms. “Those desires can lead to humanities worst atrocities. Some have argued it has been my whispers to cause the descent of humanity into evil, but I have had my hands off the wheel for quite some time. Humans have… made my job quite easy. Punishing the damned, humans punish others for their damnation in life, I simply carry that out. The prison system, I borrowed some of my newest additions to Hell from your own creations. Nuclear weapons, splitting the building blocks of the universe, you all are children breaking wooden blocks and getting splinters. Blaming the people who provided you with these tools, for the pain they cause.”

“Objection, relevance to the case?” 

“Overruled, but I ask Mr. Morningstar that you hurry this thing up.”

Morningstar nodded and pushed off the table. “For centuries, I have been the man on trial, the man to blame for all of the problems in the world, and for controlling others to do my bidding. My argument against this case. I would never take away what makes mortal sin, mortal sin. Free will.” He motioned around the room. “I guided humanity to the Garden of Eden. To the Forbidden Fruit. Man first realized they were naked. That they were ashamed to be naked. I merely suggested humanity be open to free will. It was always the plan, never a punishment. Your God, the Father, He who art in Heaven, was apart of this plan. Temptation is not a man made idea, temptation lead me down this path. It was a path paved by God, just as love, and all of the good things in the world have been paved by God. He does not lead you down this path however, he does not lead you down any path. He let you all stay in the Garden… until you decided to take the first step down all of your paths. A path, I recommended you all take. And a path I believe is the most important one of all. Free will. The decision to do bad. I have everything to gain by all of your hatred along this way, and everything to lose by forcing you all down these paths. I end my opening statement. I apologize for my lack of brevity.”

There was a silence hanging in the air. It was long yes, but, everyone felt a paralyzing force being in the same room as the devil. 

The judge cleared his throat. “Defense?”

“Of… of course.” He stood up and walked around his table as Morningstar went to sit behind his own table. “My opening statement will be brief. It is a simple open and shut case your honor. I ask the jury to understand that, really, this is the simplest verdict of your loves.” He let a pause hang in the air for a few moments. Looking towards those he was representing today. “Today, we are here to prove to you all that the literal devil is the devil. Scriptures have painted him as a liar, a cheat, a criminal, a crook. He’ll skirt around the truth and try to convince us all that we really cause all of this?”

Morningstar caught the defense attorney’s glance. That soft smile on his lips. 

He stopped in his tracks. It felt like there was a drill boring into his soul. He’d blink and realize. This was the devil. A man in all of us. “I… uhm.” The guilt, the restlessness, the desire for… desire. What would this man have to do? Nothing. 

“Defense?” Asked the judge.

“If I may sir, I think my presence is having an affect on him.”

‘What would he have to do to make me do the worst… I’d do it… for myself… I came here to prove he was horrible… I’d use the truth in my own way to do so…’ The defense’s thoughts raced.

“What are you doing to him?” The judge bellowed.

“He’s possessing him!” Shouted one of the priests.

“No.” It was a chillingly calm voice that washed over the people in the room. “It’s human nature taking over. I did nothing, aside with face him. If the devil can face man and argue that… your actions are your own. What does that mean for the rest of your life and your destinies?”

There was a pregnant pause as the defense attorney’s breateh began shaking. 

“You all are posed with the hypothesis. What is it you all do? Why do you all do it? To what ends? I have the answer to all of my questions. Humanity does not. When the answer is so close… It suffocates you.”

The defense attorney falls to his knees.

“I came here for the sake of humanity. So that they might focus more on life, rather than the damnation to follow. Live your life. The best life. Unabashedly your own. I will not guide you down any path.” Morningstar walked over to the defense and slapped his face. “And I didn’t do this to this man. He’s having a panic attack. It is so… human to look to me for blame, than something more obvious. You come to attack me rather than help your own man.”

The defense attorney blinked and looked around. 

“Not one of you went to his aide, you think because I may cause harm upon you… for helping your fellow man? This is the crux of my argument. Why would I cause harm upon good men? I do not tempt good men to do bad, nor bad men to do worse. I exist to punish those, who feed into the human nature that they can control.” He shook his head. “Believe me if you wish. But I only accept a stone cast by one who is more honest than I.”

The room remained silent. No one dared say anything more. Just anxious stares. Some believed that it was just a panic attack that befell the man, others wondered if he would come for them next. The trial of the millennia. Awaiting someone, who could throw the first stone.

[wintercloudburst]

What I’ve Done chapter fourteen thoughts, for those interested (but mainly for myself)

*SPOILERS*

this has possibly one of my all time favorite adora povs, I really wanted her to be very conscious of Catra's feelings, cause at this point in the story she KNOWS she isn't in an unrequited situation anymore.

The original outline had catra's birthday happen on the 12th chapter but as I was writing certain aspects of the story were shifted which affected the pseudo timeline i had going. However the main idea remained, i wanted us to observe a few of Catra’s birthdays through the years and then end with Adora spending the day with her in the present.

Catra's birthday was also going to be on the 8th of january instead of the 6th. I was going to separate Three Kings Day/Epiphany from her birthday but as I was writing i thought it would be cute to join it together and take the stress off of the occasion in a fun way.

19th birthday flashback was one of the scenes i had written maybe three months ago? when i was toying with the idea of Catra's most prized possession being a love poem. I wanted it to be kinda poorly written, since it came from the mind of a twelve year old. i still read it and giggle cause it's just soooo cute and wholesome like ofc Catra would keep this!

Scorpia being the person that comforts Catra was also something i really enjoyed writing, i feel like most of the story has centered around Entrapta's friendship with Catra but i wanted it to be clear the fact Scorpia is also super important to Catra's story too!

The 20th birthday: uhm... I really wanted to experiment writing a kinda sex scene, and the thought process Catra go through after losing her virginity, I had already previously attempted writing Adora's first time (a scene i doubt will ever see the light of day), and I really wanted them to parallel each other as two emotionally charged experiences filled with regret. I didn’t really put a name to the person Catra sleeps with… So anybody can pick whoever they wish to see in that position. I for one will assume it was Entrapta because well! I can do whatever I want fdsjgkhfk but it could be Scorpia or a third mysterious roommate! Who knows!

The 21st birthday flashback is pretty short but allowed me to portray that friendship between Entrapta, Scorpia, Perfuma and Catra, whiile also doing a little callback to the first chapter. 

The 22nd birthday: this scene was kinda hard to write cause I wanted so many things to happen and ran out of steam while trying to incorporate everything. However! I think I did my idea justice and I loved writing Adora just being super in love with Catra and Catra being like: damn I can’t even visualize life without her. 

The title is a double entendre: epiphany falls on catra’s birthday, but also we are seeing Catra have an epiphany over her feelings towards Adora. 

Also as I was writing i was possessed to write a flash forward of their life together in a future birthday. Initially I was going to write catra’s 30th birthday, however i really wanted to not go too far into their future. So the 25th birthday felt right. 

For those interested Catra’s song is in fact Drops of Jupiter by Train, which is also one of my favorite songs. I really wanted Catra to have this nostalgic music taste while Adora has more modern music taste. 

Speaking of music taste, the songs that constantly looped while writing this chapter were: Sweet Nothing by Taylor Swift, Ain’t Together by King Princess and Drops of Jupiter by Train. While I edited I only listened to Televangelism by Ethel Cain so i hope those feelings were properly evoked while reading!

[planetconfession]

[c] I woke up and chose violence this morning, but instead of lashing out indiscriminately, I figured a controlled detonation in the form of ranting would be a little more palatable instead of taking my grievances and anger straight to their doorstep. Please excuse the unhinged anger & spite that’d make the Player Hater’s Ball, Katt Williams, or even K-DOT blush…

There’s this pick-me Jack Mormon that’s been a particular royal pain in my taint for quite some time now. “Jack” at first glance and face value seems friendly enough, but I assure you, it’s a well crafted façade. Whether due to indoctrination from growing up within the LDS community or being a vulnerable narcissist is still to be determined (biased opinion on my end, I think it’s both fr). My problem with this individual isn’t the fact that they come from a Jesus-fanfiction doomsday cult that from the ground up would love nothing more than to subjugate or decimate people of color because they “possess the mark of Cain”, but I can’t shake this gut feeling that they’re a proverbial Fox in the Henhouse with a “Hail, Hydra” complex. What I mean by this is, anybody that’s taken a high school level psychology class or even has a basic understanding of the DSM could tell you Jack is compensating for deep rooted issues (trust me, it takes a psycho to identify other psychos). Jack is a textbook Whiteboy that has unresolved angst and resentment towards their conservative father, so they’ve meticulously crafted a persona that at surface value would seem to be a form of rebellion, but in actuality is a desperate attempt for attention/validation. However, this persona also serves another purpose to lure in individuals that Jack’s attracted to and also fetishizes in an attempt to ease their quarry into a false sense of comfort, security, & trust. Case in point, for a good minute Jack gleefully jumped on board the whole “Eat the Rich” resurgence, which isn’t the problem… The issue is that Jack has lived in THREE of some of the Wealthiest (and Whitest) Area codes West of the Mississippi River, regularly goes to concerts that would cost a kidney for anyone else, and don’t even get me started on the trips/vacations that they’ve indulge in. Also, have you ever heard of anybody that’s poor or broke going snowboarding? Let alone having the money for martial arts training and football equipment when they were a kid? Didn’t think so. Circling back to their lustful proclivities, Jack has hella Christopher Columbus syndrome fantasies involving Latinx & Indigenous women (but truth be told he’s an equal opportunity scavenger when it comes to Alt-Girls). I have no hard-core proof, but to quote Laszlo from What We Do In The Shadows, “He’s got the Hair of Pedophile”.

Now to go full-bore, full-send, and unabashed petty vulgar sithlord… I hate that “I didn’t know they stack shit that high” twerp’s punchable face, I hate their parasitical culture vulture personality, & I fucking LOATHE that bugnutted inbred shrimp-dicked rotted-out douche canoes entire existence. Fuck, if it wasn’t for a Lady stepping in, I woulda’ve Forrest Gump walked my ass all the way to that Mormon infested shit-stained corner of our country just rip off their head to use their skull as codpiece just so my nuts’d Tea-Bag their brain pan. Also, I hope the next time that you go down on somebody, you get toilet paper dandruff in your mouth and they fart in your face resulting in you getting pink eye.

I’m so sorry about this for anyone who reads this. Yes, I am painfully aware I have MAJOR issues myself. I’m hoping whoever reads this that also has major sources of internal rage can find some comfort or catharsis in this rant or better yet if you’re just having a shitty day, maybe it’ll provide a good laugh. And to answer your question… Yes, I listened to all of Kendrick’s diss tracks about Drake while writing this. 

And “Jack”, if you see this, buddy, ol’ pal… Up yours & go 69 a Cactus. (P.S: don’t push it, because the trick to having a super weapon… is to always build two)

.

[witchbydavidcain]

Witch by David Cain Prologue part one    I have been writing this book because I believe my wife is a witch. Our history together has provided ample evidence to conclude that she has and uses magical powers. I’ve seen too much, been a party to too many weird things, to deny the supernatural qualities of our experiences together.

   Looking back on the years I’ve shared with her, armed with twenty-twenty hindsight, I suspected that she was a witch from the very beginning, on the very first day we met. Nothing that has happened since has persuaded me otherwise, in fact, most of what has happened confirmed my suspicions.

   In a way, I should have been flattered; she showed me who she was right away, revealed her true form, bared the witch within, so to speak. Having been with her all these years, I realize now that she has never shared her true identity like that with anyone else. From the start, I was different. I like that.

   I wasn’t thinking about her in those terms yet; I wasn’t ready to begin accusing anyone of anything. I say I was suspicious but honestly, I never dreamed that she was really a witch. I didn’t think anyone was really a witch. I wasn’t open to the idea. I dismissed the connections, the visions and coincidences, just assumed the strange things that had happened were the result of an overactive imagination, fueled by the usual assortment of cocktails, beers, being under-fed and over-tired. I wrote off the experiences as a short bout of madness. Assuming that I was wrong made far more sense to me than the idea of her being a witch. Insanity made more sense to me than supernatural powers.

   I call her a witch but that may not be what she is. Witches aren’t the only ones with supernatural powers so having powers doesn’t necessarily make her a witch, but you know what I mean. She’s clearly formed in the shape of a human being; she spends her days doing ordinary human things.

   I don’t think she’s an alien or some other kind of supernatural being. I don’t think she shows any signs of possession. I haven’t seen her shape-shifting or anything dramatic like that. I suppose she might be a sorceress, a wizard, or a high priestess in some dark occult religion, perhaps. I’m just going to call her a witch. The title suits her. I can wrap my head around that.

   The thing is, the reason I’m writing all this down, is that lots of strange stuff has happened since I met her and I want to make a record of it, just in case. Sometimes it scares me senseless. I don’t know what I mean.

   If something should happen to me, I was going to say, but I don’t think anything bad is going to happen. Our time together has been phenomenally good.  I would have to say that spending time with a witch has been very beneficial.

   I guess I’m trying to make a record, in case some one needs to understand what has been going on with her. I’ve been a front-line witness to years of witchy behavior. I just think I should write it all down.

   At the very least, it’s an interesting story. Maybe that’s why I want to write it down, because I don’t have anyone I can tell my story to. I’ve been alone with the knowledge. I can’t even imagine who I’d seriously discuss this with. They’d think I was crazy or laugh at me. Married to a witch. I’m dying to tell someone about it but I’m going to keep my mouth shut, for my own good. This will have to do.

   Let’s get one thing straight: I’m not calling her out, not accusing her, not trying to bring her to justice or salvation or whatever I would be doing if I made her witchiness public. So I haven’t called any church elders; I haven’t been in contact with a witch hunter. Nor have I forbidden her from cleaning the house using magic. I’m quite happy, being married to a witch. It’s very nice.

   I joked about the house cleaning but from what I’ve gathered witchcraft doesn’t work that way. She can’t just cast a quick spell and make the house clean or transformed into a medieval castle. That would be a good trick, of course, but that would be more of a Jeannie sort of thing. Witches are subtle in their use of power, certainly more subtle than that. They don’t make things happen as much as they smooth the path that leads wherever they want to go. They help or hinder.

   I’ve seen a few weird things but I’m never going to prove anything using undocumented visual evidence. If I’d taken pictures or video or something, we could talk but eye witness accounts aren’t reliable. I have to be realistic; I may have been seeing things that weren’t there. Visual evidence is not a big part of my case, anyway; I wish it were. If I had seen more unexplainable things, it might not have taken me so long to reach my conclusion. That said, I have seen some weirdnesses.

   My case is an accumulation of things I’ve seen, heard and experienced. It is an incomplete record of the events that transpired; lots of stuff may have happened that I don’t know anything about. Although I live with her, I can’t pretend to know everything she does magically. All I can attest to is what I’ve witnessed, what I’ve seen, heard and felt.

   For what that’s worth. I’m not sure I’m a good witness or even a reliable one. Not just because I don’t always pay attention to details and miss lots of things that go past me. I think she messes with my mind, so even what I know is suspect. It isn’t a great place to start but it will have to do.

   I’ve never seen anything float or magically blink into or out of existence. I haven’t heard any objects talk or seen anything suddenly transform from one thing into another. Just to be clear, there haven’t been any parlor tricks, no stage-type magic, no bright balls of light and big bangs. Nor does she ever wave a wand. I don’t even think she has one. There is a stick on her witch shelf but I don’t think that proves much of anything.

   What I have seen, let’s say, that might prove she is a witch, has been her success. It seems like luck is always on her side. She can do things that I’m not sure she should be able to do, things I know I couldn’t do. There are lots of things I can’t do, but she does things I don’t think anyone could do. She has a knack for doing the right thing at the right time in the right way to accomplish the right result. It’s uncanny.

   She can foresee the future, too often for it to be mere coincidence; she always seems to make lucky guesses, always has the right cards, so to speak. She knows things, things she shouldn’t be able to know, like who’s going to win or what exactly I’m thinking.

[roger-elizabeth-debris]

ok, not to be Martin Luther on main, but going to anyway and going to try to do it in the most cohesive way possible.

So, Christian philosophy states we are all made in god's own image yes? and that while we're not the Father or the Son, we are all inhabited by the Holy Spirit, yes? so, we are all, in essence, god. bear with me, it gets better.

We are all god, but we know god is a jealous god, "do not worship false idols," "do not stray away from me/the flock," the whole wiping out of Sodom and Gomorrah. And well, jealousy is a form of anger originating from a desire to protect what you believe to be rightfully yours, and anger or wrath is a cardinal sin, ie, one of the seven deadly sins. So clearly there's already some inconsistency in Christian Philosophy because, well, God Is Perfect and Cannot Sin, but has, obviously biblically sinned, furthermore, since God is Perfect, God cannot make mistakes. But, again, we see that he has before, ie Sodom Gomorrah, Noah, Cain and Abel, etc etc, in fact we can go further and say God Made a Mistake in the creation of Lucifer, one of his angels who rebelled and, as we all know, became the devil. But! God did not smite Lucifer. God did not wipe Lucifer out when, as the All-Powerful, All Knowing Entity that God is, God easily could've, flick of a wrist, twitch of a finger, Lucifer is gone. In fact, God continues to let Lucifer operate, create devils, tempt mortals, etc etc for literally some inexplicable, "no one knows the will of God" type of reason. But I deny that. Why? Because we have seen/read that God Has Sinned. God is jealous, God's Wrath is a core tenant of Christianity as a whole, ya know, "Do not sin, lest you anger God. If you sin against God, God will punish you for eternity." Every (or most) denomination has some form of this, even those that purport God as "forgiving" ie, God would have to be angry before forgiving no, otherwise there'd be no "forgiveness" at all.

So, if God can commit the Cardinal Sin of Wrath, what other Cardinal Sins does God partake in? We were made in God's image, so each of the Cardinal Sins must be something God has done, and furthermore, we possess the Holy Spirit, we have the essence of god within us, so it'd be only natural for us to commit the Sins of God as well. We all simply have varying degrees of temptations, some have more lust, wrath, envy, gluttony, sloth, vanity, or pride. Hence my statement, we are all God. Therefore, the only Sin that can actually be committed is questioning the Will of God, ie, telling someone else what they can and cannot do or how to live their life, or otherwise hurting or impeding another's will.

Anyway, I'm not a Christian, nor have I ever been one, and this is simply my interpretation of it all. Would love to hear from others what they think, especially from Christians of all denominations

[mlobsters]

supernatural s10e11 there's no place like home (w. robbie thompson)

shaky over the shoulder pov cam thing in the opening giving me evil dead/army of darkness vibes. campy

SAM You made egg-white omelettes? DEAN Yeah. Breakfast of Champions -- you know, if you're a dork like you.

i got nothing against egg white omelets but gotta admit they are so anemic looking that i prefer egg beaters if i'm goin that route, gimme some yellow colored egg whites :p

SAM And you slept past 7:00. DEAN Yeah, well, until we get answers on this Mark of Cain, I am on a 12-step program not to backslide. SAM 12 steps? DEAN Yeah. Hey, if Cain found a way to live with it after going dark side, then I just got to find a way to keep it in check, so haven't had a drink in a week, eight hours of rack time every night, and . . . now this masterpiece.

taking notes so he has a healthy relationship with alcohol, went cold turkey for a week and he's fine!

DEAN It's crap. Ugh. God. Soon as we get rid of this demonic tramp stamp, I am back on the booze, burgers, and . . . more booze. Tell me you got something.

totally fine!

DEAN What are you saying, Charlie tortured someone? SAM Uh . . . DEAN Our Charlie? Yea high, wouldn't hurt a Hobbit, practically sparkles?

she's just taking on the adopted family business of torturing 🤪

the score here also had this kind of thing in the previous episode, this percussion that slowly accelerates like a heart beat and it's kind of stressful. but when i was a kid, there was something in a show or movie or hell an ad, i don't know, that had this heart beat sound that freaked me the fuck out and i associated hearing a thumpy heart beat with getting increasingly anxious. lol. but, this is a single thump, not an actual heartbeat thump, so that's good at least :P

very pretty shot. ps, tell sam you're struggling with the stabby feelings

SAM (reading from the Charlie’s file) "Anti-authority disorder, clinical depression, violent outbursts." Charlie was, uh . . . DEAN Dude. If a shrink interviewed us at that age, you think the report would be all kittens and rainbows? Come on. She's a good kid. There's got to be an explanation for this, man. There's just got to be.

dean making the excellent points. also kinda violating her privacy but needs must, right? -_-

possessed/soulless/evil twin? i'm reading my summary of s9e4 and like, i barely remember any of oz-related stuff (i didnt write much about it either so that's probably why)

CHARLIE Oh, Sam, you're adorable. You're not gonna hurt me. In fact, that's your problem -- all good-guy code, no bite. What a waste. And you . . . (turning to Dean) Always letting this albatross hold you back. DEAN Okay, all right, you know what? I don't know what's going on here, okay? But this -- this is not you.

--

GOOD CHARLIE She's trying to win me back. Dark Charlie won the war single-handedly. But... She did some truly awful things. But I told her I didn't want any part of her near me again, ever. Going after the person who mur-- mur-- uh...Who took my parents away is her messed-up way of showing me how close we are, or -- or could be. I keep calling her "she," but she's me. I'm the one doing this. DEAN Charlie, that -- that's not who you are, okay? It's -- it's a twisted version of -- GOOD CHARLIE Me.

gee, sounds so familiar! support group for being soulless/darkside embodied/mark of cain

this whole oz/dorothy/charlie plot wasn't good the first time around and really did not need revisiting 😔

this dude again! did a hiky for him in the episode he was in back in s2 (probably my least favorite episode, tall tales)

riverdale - barclay hope as clifford blossom / the killing - barclay hope as michael ames / spn s2e15

brief sidebar about how dumb it is that food is assigned a moral value. he's trying to be extra Good which means eating a bunch of stuff he doesn't like. he can go back to being Bad and eating tasty food later. fatphobia never takes a day off

this sterile "swanky" waiting room with the terrible muzak is giving me hives

a) the last thing dean needs is dark charlie encouraging him to be dark b) he got tricked by dark charlie twice in a row and she stole his car? sheesh, man. off your game

great, now dean gets to feel guilty about beating the shit out of charlie

CHARLIE Yeah, well, there's one thing that you have that he didn't. You're a Winchester. I forgive you, Dean. DEAN Yeah, well, I don't. CHARLIE I know. Kind of your move. How's that working out for you, huh?

tell him, charlie

<3

SAM She's right, Dean. You can do this. We can do this. DEAN Then let's get to work.

yes we can

i'm glad they keep bringing back charlie, i've really come to love her and the dynamic she has with them. but i wish they'd given her less nonsense plotlines

the amount of redhead recurring characters past couple seasons is pretty funny. it's like riverdale, overrun

[connorhasaknife]

mb. Well.

it's been a while since the last theorypost about d, i have to admit! doesn't help when you're in a htp server with staff in it that continue to look in the theorising channel and post ominous emojis BLESSED but after a lot of workshopping i feel like i have.. a vague understanding of what d is now. which is an overstatement- i actually have no idea. the changeling theory stands up for itself, in the end, but it has a LOT of flaws and doesn't explain everything about What He Is. so, accounting for that, i have congealed my thoughts into a vague collection in the wild hope of getting feedback from the wider community.

FIRST AND FOREMOST.

hunter the parenting is a humanity fuck yeah show.. from what it seems right now, anyways. going off this, it would be reasonably safe to assume that d is an entirely ordinary hunter- hunters in canon have been known to exceed 200 years of age, so d being multiple thousand works, at a stretch. however, this is based mostly off of themes as a way to handwave evidence of d CLEARLY doing weird shit, themes that have been established in the pilot run of the series, no less. despite the theories and assumptions, we have no idea where the wider plot of this series is going to go (i DO have an idea, though, but its based on the prophecy and a possible unreliable narrator. i'll make another post about it). i believe that there IS something going on with d, but there are a few possibilities.

THE CHANGELING THEORY

after more careful consideration, i have a flaw in my theory with d being a changeling. he.. specifically says he isn't a fairy, Lol! also, HTP is clearly based off of wod, not chronicles of darkness. big whoopsie. that is essentially IT, though. there's.. not much else to debunk it, just things that fit more. there are things that can be handwaved by changeling theory, but it no longer feels like a satisfying explanation to me.

ELOHIM/ANGEL

this is one i baked with a friend. its tied into a theory with horse, being that horse is a fallen- assuming horse is a fallen (will make a post about it at a later date), and that d.. has one in a shed in the woods. this would mean he has to be extremely powerful and extremely knowledgable. i believe he's possessed by an elohim because of this- it explains his madness and his.. uh, strange awareness? being a servant of god and all that, i guess. wod god. whatever. it's also interesting, as FUN FACT wod also has a funny flaming holy sword. it's called the sword of michelangelo and its in the credits surrounded by golden shit which is Sort Of D's Like Theme Colour Or Whatever. also a bunch of weird lore shit.

also explains how he thinks he can kill caine. if he's possessed by a loyal elohim and he has the sword of michaelangelo its... technically possible. this also explains how d treats horse. powerful horse containing a fallen, of course he can handle family secrets or whatever. he's being medicated with opioids and like, alcohol or whatever to make a possession go over smoother. not much you can do medically for that i guess.

CONCLUSION

yeah thats it obviously i believe in Elohim Theory more now but I mean. I don't know shit anymore man,

if anyone has any alternative theories PLEASE let me know i am in desperate need of new angles

will do a more general post on everyone else soon!!!! and Prophecy (seperate post probably)

[sortasirius]

Dean Winchester be like:

I hate myself because it’s what my father taught me to do.  I hate myself because it’s a defense mechanism.  I use sarcasm to cover up the fact that I believe I am worthless.  I raised my brother into a good man, that’s the only good I’ve ever done.  I’ve saved some people, they don’t say thank you, but that’s okay.  I wish I could have been the man my father wanted me to be.  I break everything I touch.  All the people I love I end up killing or leaving me.  I am broken.  I don’t do romantic love, it’s asking for me to get my heart broken, more broken than it already is.  I sold my soul to a demon so I could save my brother, because he’s the best thing I ever did, the only good thing.  I’m afraid to go to Hell, but I pretend I’m not, because what’s the alternative? 

Hell proved that I was the person I always knew I was, a bad person, willing to torture to get out of pain.  I met an angel, he’s not like I thought.  He’s a soldier, like me, he’s taking orders from a father he can’t see.  He starts out as an ally, but he’s different than the others, they say he likes me.  He’s awkward, he stands too close to me sometimes.  I started the Apocalypse because I wasn’t strong enough.  My brother is going down the wrong path, and I don’t know how to stop it.  The angels tell me Lucifer has to rise, but the one that pulled me out of Hell disobeys to help me stop it.  I think I should consider him a friend.  Lucifer rises anyway. 

The angel is on the run from Heaven, he’s a good guy, I like him a lot, more than I think I should.  I don’t know what to do, if I say yes to Michael, we can save some people.  Maybe I’ll get to know peace, maybe my father will be proud of me then.  The angel and my brother are angry at me, but I’ve always been a coward, they just don’t know it.  But they know me best, I can’t say yes to Michael if it means disappointing them. 

My brother goes to the cage with Lucifer and Michael, the angel disappears, and I’m left to pick up the pieces, living a life I feel like I stole from somebody else.  I always sleep with a gun and holy water under the bed, even though I know every entrance is secure.  My brother comes back, but he’s different now, he’s not the same, I should have looked for him.  I feel guilty.  We found out his soul is gone, his soul, his soul.  The angel is back, but he’s no real help.  I kill myself to speak to Death, who brings back his soul in exchange for me playing Death, where I learn a few hard lessons. 

I find out the angel has been working with our enemies.  Why does it feel like my heart is broken when he won’t meet my eyes?  I leave him to the demons, but not before one last look.  I’m not sure why.  The idiot, he ends up dying trying to get souls from Purgatory, desperate to win his war in Heaven.  Why does everyone leave me?  The Leviathan are out there, a new threat.  At least I know how to kill, so I won’t have to think about the muddy trenchcoat in the trunk of my car.  I lose the closest thing I have to a father with a bullet to the brain.  I feel like I’m spinning out of control.  My brother loses his mind.  The angel comes back, he doesn’t recognize me, that hurts.  When he does remember me, I tell him we need him, but I really mean that I do. 

I get sent to Purgatory, I meet a vampire turned ally turned new best friend, but I won’t leave without the angel, I can’t leave without the angel.  We find him, he was running from me, why does everyone run from me?  We make it out of Purgatory, the angel gets left behind.  It turns out my brother didn’t look for me.  Why am I so dispensable?  The vampire is the only one I can trust now.  I dream about the angel, about the way I couldn’t save him.  I feel like I can’t save anyone these days.  I see the angel in the air around me, am I going crazy?  But then he shows up behind me, why do I care so much about him?  I don’t even care where he came from, as long as he’s here.  My brother takes on trials, they start to hurt him.  We find a place to call home.  I’ve never had my own bedroom before.  The angel is distant, I wish I could reach him.  He doesn’t answer my prayers.  He and I find the angel tablet, he hits me.  I tell him I need him, never able to tell him that I think I might love him too.  He snaps out of it then walks out of my life again.  I wish I was lovable.  I almost lose my brother to the trials, he has to know I can’t lose him, he’s all I’ve got.  The angels fall, I wonder about my angel, if he’s alright. 

My brother is dying, and I make a deal with an angel to save him.  My angel says he’s a good guy, and I’m too desperate to vet him properly.  I watch my angel, now a human, die in front of me, the angel in my brother saves him, it’s one of the only times I’ve ever put someone else over my brother.  I feel guilty about that.  I have to kick my angel out, it tears me in half to do it, but I have to protect my brother.  I watch the angel from a gas station window, I try to find the courage to go see him.  I use humor to hide how much I miss him.  My brother finds out about the angel, which cost the life of a kid I was supposed to protect, he’s so angry at me.  Well, I deserve it this time.  I take the Mark of Cain to defeat Abaddon, it can’t be all that bad.  I start to lose my grip on myself.  My angel gives up an army for me, and it’s the closest I feel to being me in months. My brother and my angel try to stop it, but it’s too late.  I die in my brother’s arms.

I wake up with black eyes.  I don’t care about anyone, anything.  There’s a tiny part of me that’s screaming to wake up, but I drown him out easily enough.  My brother finds me, says he wants to cure me.  I don’t want it, I don’t want to be me, not feeling is the best thing that’s ever happened to me.  They do cure me though, my brother and my angel, and waking up from the blackness is like surfacing from deep water.  For a while, I feel loved.  But after what I did, I don’t feel like I deserve it.  I’m still not me, and when my friend, who I loved like a sister is taken, I go off the deep end again. It’s too easy, but violence is all I know.  The angel tries to stop me.  I have him where I want him, a blade to the heart and this is all over.  But I still can’t kill him, I still can’t kill the angel.  Death tells me I have to kill my brother.  I almost do it.  But killing Death releases me, and I’m me again.  Sometimes I still wish I wasn’t.

I have this connection to this Darkness.  It scares the hell out of me.  I wish I understood it, I wish I could stop it.  Am I pulled towards the Darkness because I, myself, am darkness?  Is it because I am, because I’ve always been bad?  I lose the angel to Lucifer himself, how did I not notice until it was too late?  Why would he leave me like this?  Will I ever get him back?  My head is foggy around the Darkness, but not when it comes to him.  I just wish I could get through to him.  Lucifer taunts me, my heart rips in half.  We get the angel back, but nothing good can last in this life, can it?  God himself returns, I have to sacrifice myself to stop the Darkness.  I’ll do it, because of course I will, if I have an opportunity to do some good, I’ll take it.  The Darkness doesn’t kill me.  She thanks me.

My mother is alive.  It’s everything I’ve always wanted.  I have to learn fast that she’s not what I thought.  That’s hard.  Me and my brother end up in prison for trying to kill Lucifer, and we find out this girl is going to have his kid.  How will we kill someone innocent?  I can’t think about that, I’m a killer, I’ll kill if i have to.   The angel kills a reaper to save me, but what will happen to him?  We start looking for this kid, but do we even want to find it?  The angel nearly dies for me, he tells me, my family he loves us.  I wish I could tell him the same, but the words won’t work right in my brain, so I do what I always do, I look away.  The angel finds the girl, but the kid inside her gets to him, and he runs away from me.  Why does everyone run from me?  We find them just in time to find a rift to another world, and my brother has to drag me away from the angel, who is going to sacrifice himself to kill Lucifer.  He comes back, but before I can say the words I’ve been holding onto for so long, he dies in front of me, only this time, it’s real.  My mom is taken from me too, and I’m left by the angel’s side, staring up at the sky, wondering why, why me?

I bury the angel, my brother insists we can’t kill the kid, even though it’s his fault my mom is gone and the angel is...  I beg God to bring him back, please, bring him back.  You owe me this, please bring him back.  He doesn’t listen.  I’m alone.  We burn the angel, and I try to learn to live with regret and grief and crippling pain all at once.  I hate the kid, this is his fault.  I kill myself again to save some souls, but also because I want to die this time.  I can’t take it anymore.  Death tells me I have work to do, but how much more work can there be?  How much more can I take?  It’s like the Universe reads my mind, because my angel comes back, and it’s like the last few weeks haven’t happened.  I still can’t say the words, but maybe this time I’ll get there.  Maybe this time.  We go to the other world, we save some people, I find my mom.  I let another Michael from the other world possess me to defeat Lucifer, but then I can’t expel him.  Before he shuts me in my memories, I am desperately afraid.

My brother and the angel find me in my own head, the snap me out of it.  I should have known this bar was too good for me, I knew I didn’t deserve it.  I shut Michael in there, but I know I won’t last long. I think I’m too weak to hold him, so I build a box designed to hold me forever.  I dream about it, claw the sides of the wall until my nails are bloody, but if it’s my eternity or Michael’s rule?  I’ll take the ocean every time.  The angel will always try to save me, I still can’t say the words.  The kid, my kid, he destroys Michael, but something is wrong, and I don;t realize until it’s too late.  My mother is dead, at the hands of the kid, and I have never been angrier.  I hate the kid again, I hate the angel too, I hate myself more.  I pull a gun on the kid, but I still can’t pull the trigger.  Sometimes I wish I could put it to my own head.  God comes back, turns out he was the villain all along.  Typical.  He kills our kid.  I can’t let myself feel.

The angel tries to convince me that we’re real.  How can I believe that?  Is everything I am just a story?  Have I ever chosen anything?  Does the angel really care about me?  Do I really care about him?  Another one of our friends dies.  I blame the angel, I push him away, because I can’t look at him if I think what I feel for him might not be real.  I meet up with someone I loved.  He’s a monster now, I have to kill him.  He dies holding me.  I wish I was dead sometimes too.  My brother is sick, he gets kidnapped by God.  I’m spinning in circles.  Me and the angel end up in Purgatory again.  He gets taken from me.  I’m so alone, so scared, I break down in the one place I could get lost in forever searching for the angel, I don’t want to leave him, please, don’t make me leave him.  I have to keep looking, get back to the real world to save my brother.  How will I choose?  Thank god, or, whatever, I find the angel.  I’ll tell him this time, but he stops me.  He must know.  He doesn’t want me, no one wants me.  Why would they?  Chuck has taken everything from me.  I have to kill him, no matter the cost.  The cost is gonna be our kid, raised from the dead by Death.  I guess the one thing we have going for us is we don’t stay dead for long.  I’m ready to let my kid die for my freedom.  My brother stands in the way, I pull a gun on him.  He talks me down, he’s the only one that can.  I decide to take it out on Death, my pain, my anger, my rage.  I take the angel and we find her, she chases us.  Another trap.  I realize that I’ve trapped us both.  Why am I so worthless?

The angel looks at me.  He smiles.  He tells me how worthy I am, that I’m good, that I changed him.  How can I tell him how he changed me.  He tells me he’ll die for loving me.  Then he shouldn’t, I’m not worth his life.  Don’t leave me, please, I can’t lose you, you don’t know what it does it me when you leave me.  He tells me he loves me.  I try to tell him a fraction of the things I feel for him, but it’s too late.  He’s taken before my eyes, and this time I know there’s no getting him back.

I’m left on the floor, unable to move.

This time I know, I’ll never let myself love again, because my heart is so shattered that it’s powdered, there’s no repairing it now.  I’ve always been broken, but this time I’m not just broken: I’m destroyed.

[katsidhe]

You know, rewatching supernatural I'm kinda shocked by how often I just find myself going ''Man, I wish Sam had died here -_-''. but not as a sam hate thing. In fact, Sam's my favorite and partially this is just bc I like Sam angst (because I definitely didn't want him to permanently be gone from the show). But Also. Consider.

The first Demon blood detox. When Dean goes ''at least he dies human''. I went 'Yes, let's totally do that.' If Sam had actually died there, can you imagine! Or! Sam doesn't always need to die really. Just: If Dean had been thrown into an alternate universe where Sam didn't leave for Stanford and either the life TM or his own misery with it killed him young(-er)? Or if with the mark Dean'd actually ended up killing Sam? Like, in a bloodlust rage or smth.

Obviously what I really want here, is for the narrative to prove Sam right (in leaving for Stanford and such) and have dean face the consequences of his actions (Detox, Fratricide Mark as an incredibly wobbly solution to the Abbadon problem).

Idk, I just think it's funny how often the narrative (and fans) wants to prove Dean right /Sam wrong. And how often this happens via just ignoring certain things.

(As an example: Bc Sam does go to Stanford, we never get to see the horrible consequences it would have had for his mental and/or physical health if he hadn't. And so fans, dean, the narrative etc. just pretend that there would have been no such consequences at all.)

Like, If you people would please take this to it's logical conclusion of Sam's death/incredible suffering. I'd just like to see what people come up with to justify it then.

It's driven me to such bloodlust. Seeing this universe where to only way to prove yourself right is to die. Like, yea that'll show them. Can't ignore this, can you

The funny thing about this is that Supernatural has such a definitive answer to “death as vindication”, and it’s answer is “lmao no, come on, we’re dragging you back to life just to prove you wrong.”

Like, both with detox and with the Mark of Cain, I’m not actually convinced that Sam For Real Dying would have had too much more of an effect on the moral landscape of the show than the canonical impacts did, simply because there would be some way to drag Sam back, and therefore to shove the cosmic consequences into another ball court.

If there’s a way that Dean’s going to be forced to face the fallout of his harmful choices, I both think it can’t happen over Sam’s dead body and that it shouldn’t happen over Sam’s dead body—because what does that do but make Sam into a prop that Dean can, again, twist into the shape that fits the narrative he sees? When he weeps over the tableau of Sam at the end of s2, and even s5, and most damningly and most especially at the end of s8, it’s for Sam’s sake, but it’s certainly not with Sam’s autonomy in mind.

S8-9 in general is a great example of what I mean: we have Dean’s ill treatment of Sam in s8 contributing to and exacerbating Sam’s suicide mission to take on the Trials, which nearly ends in Sam’s death. Instead of accepting Sam’s death (and his implicit responsibility), Dean comes up with a way to avert it… with a heinous violation of Sam’s mind, body, and soul. Which again nearly leads to Sam’s death. Which again Dean averts with, uh, more possession, and also needles in his brain. (God I fucking love 9.10. And s9 in general.)

But as to your later point, I do really like thinking about the… unhealthier counterfactuals, the ways in which the choices Sam is castigated for were the right ones at the time. Stanford is a great example of one. Amelia’s in that category too. I’d even put Ruby there, in a certain sense. All times when Sam was apart from Dean.

[scoopsgf]

i think we can all unanimously agree that “dean had every right to be jealous and possessive because rory was a traitor/brat/treated him terribly + every other synonym of bad they can think of” is the worst take ever in the history of takes

oh my god yeah no this is a fucking rancid take. dean has no right to be jealous or possessive—in fact, no one has any right to be as territorial as he was in their relationship. that kind of behaviour is a big fat red flag and usually a sign of worse things to come. rory wasn’t a brat, and she didn’t do anything to him until the kiss with jess at the wedding. she bent over backwards in that relationship, she was willing to compromise her beliefs (like the donna reed thing) and she put up with so much incessant crap from him. and i know it was wrong of her to kiss jess, but it was also an impulsive decision, not premeditated. yes, she should have broken up with dean the minute she came to terms with the fact that she had feelings for someone else, but i think she had a variety of reasons for staying. she doesn’t like confrontation, and i think despite all of his (many) shortcomings, dean made her feel secure. plus it doesn’t help that her mother and the entire town basically gaslit her into believing he was a saint who could do no wrong and jess was like, the second coming of cain or whatever. anyway my point is that she was a sixteen year old girl in her first relationship who went out of her way to not hurt dean or make him angry, mostly because she was very obviously scared of him and idk how that just went over lorelai’s head, and yes she screwed up toward the end of the relationship but if you ask me, dean’s treatment of her was worse than anything she did to him. and also: it’s jess. can we even blame her?