#I suppose I should make a tag for that now LOL
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author ask tag
thank you so much for the tag, @the-golden-comet! ooh this is gonna be fun!
i'm going to focus on my current wip, Why Should I Be Careful? I'm Going To Die Anyway! because it's still very much in the planning stages (despite how much I'm writing for it) and I have Thoughts
What is the main lesson of your story? Why did you choose it?
I'll be honest, I haven't really thought that far ahead. I suppose, if there is a lesson to take from WSIBC?IGTDA!, it might be that you should always chase your goals and desires, and screw what other people think. Maybe put a little more thought and planning into yours than Aura does hers, though. I mean, she almost dies due to her recklessness. Don't be like Aura.
What did you use as inspiration for your worldbuilding?
Well, it's a zombie book - I love zombies, in case you can't tell - so the world is an amalgamation of zombie stuff I love. The zombies are based off of the Train to Busan zombies. This is a self-insert mess, so I'm using the town and people I know in the town as location and characters. Little tropes here and there that I love in movies and books alike. It's just a big chimera of stuff that I grab from stuff I remember and shove into it. It definitely needs polish when it's done, but I'm having a blast so far, so I'm'a keep doing it :3
What is your MC trying to achieve, and what are you, the writer, trying to achieve with them? Do you want to inspire others, teach forgiveness, or help the reader grow as a person?
Uhhhhhh this is a tough question. Right now, Aura is trying to make it to Roger's Grocery Mart to save her girlfriend, but most of the time, she's just trying to have a good time in the zombie apocalypse and hopefully not die. She does eventually grow into a character that (mostly) thinks things through and takes other people's situations into account, so I suppose the lesson is "the world doesn't revolve around you - be kind and helpful to others"?
As for what I'm trying to achieve... mostly, to be honest, I just want people to pick up my book and have a good time reading it. I want to write a zombie book because it's my passion and because there aren't enough zombie books out there. I guess I'm trying to inspire others? To show them that you can survive an impossible situation if you work hard and think things through?
How many chapters is your story going to have?
The only time I've written a full-length book (sorry, the only two times, forgot about Zero: ALPHA), it had about twenty-odd chapters. Z:A had...uh...thirty? That was a long time ago and I sadly no longer have that draft. This one is going to go until it's done. Hopefully more than thirty though!
Is it fanfiction or original content? Where do you plan to post it?
Original content! I have no idea where I'm going to post it. I'm torn between Draft2Digital (originally Smashwords) or Substack. Thing is, I'm really bad at marketing and keywords and all that technical stuff that goes into publicizing, so I'm really hesitant to share it at all. I'm the type of person that gets absolutely morally devastated if my own self-inflicted goals aren't met, and I'm not sure if I can handle that kind of crushing heartbreak with this one lol
So yeah. Might publish, might not. Unsure right now.
When did you start writing?
My dad set up a Windows 95 computer for me in his office, his old one, and taught me the basics of using it. I was five, about to turn six. I immediately sat down and wrote a story about unicorns. I've been writing ever since.
I didn't start writing fanfiction until I was thirteen and had just binge-watched Lord of the Rings for the first time. We don't talk about those works. They were awful.
Do you have any words of encouragement for fellow writers of writeblr? What other writers do you follow?
Write it. Oh it's cringe? Who cares? Write it. Oh, it's a rare pair? Write it. You're worried people will hate it? Fuck the haters. Write it. Writing is about having fun. Writing is about pouring your soul onto the page. Writing is about getting those ideas out of your head so they don't drive you insane. It's about reaching that one person that finds your work and loves it. Even if no one reads it - you still accomplished something. You still wrote it. And no one can take that from you.
I have so many writers in my follow list. Uhh. I have no idea how many are still active, so I'm just going to tag who I know and hope for the best lol
@idyllicocean, @keeping-writing-frosty, @bloodtiesnovel, @asher-writes, @kitswrite, @theink-stainedfolk, @karkkidoeswriting, @lavender-gloom, @orphanheirs, @aquixoticwrites, @alinacapellabooks, @marlowethelibrarian, @flock-from-the-void, @dyrewrites, @storycraftcafe, @writer-imagination, @toragay-writing, @inseasofgreen, @stephtuckerauthor, @thatndginger, @finickyfelix, @eternalwritingstudent, @drchenquill, @paeliae-occasionally, @the-golden-comet, @talesofsorrowandofruin, @watermeezer, @goldfinchwrites, @winterandwords, @badscientist, @clairelsonao3, @i-can-even-burn-salad, @leahpardo-pa-potato, @mjparkerwriting, @rowanwriting, @oliolioxenfreewrites, @emelkae, @rita-rae-siller, @rebelxwriter, @kaylinalexanderbooks, @stesierra, @francineiswriting, @sunset-a-story, @chauceryfairytales, @hollyannewrites, @jaydenswaywrites, @captain-kraken, @violets-in-her-arms-writes, @romy-thewriter, @pure-solomon, @writingmaidenwarrior, @koiwrites
go, go follow them. they're all so good and make my timeline glow.
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Decided to combine the Star Gazing, Flight, and Freedom prompts for this piece for Chosen Week!! Have some more Golden Ratio Chosen!
#HE DESERVES TO BE HAPPY GOD DAMN IT!!!#ava chosenweek#Golden Ratio Chosen#I suppose I should make a tag for that now LOL#animator vs animation#ava#alan becker#alan becker fanart#ava the chosen one#ava tco#leafey draws
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I've always been a little thrown off by the way the characters (the team and the passengers) react to Reid trying to talk down Ted, and I've never liked that the episode ends with Ted being shot (although I appreciate that he survives).
I'm not saying this to be critical of the characters: the team doesn't have audio, and the passengers (save for Elle and the incapacitated psychologist) don't have the knowledge to see Reid getting through to him, but:
I don't know. Look at Ted's face. I'm bad at reading expressions, but at the very least, this doesn't seem like the expression of someone unaffected by what's being said to him, or the face of a man who's about to start shooting people. During the conversation, Ted stops aiming the gun at Reid, and yells at Leo to shut up when he tells him to shoot Reid.
I really think that Reid was on his way to talking Ted down, and I wish he'd gotten to do it. I don't think Elle hitting Ted while Reid is talking him down makes a lot of sense*. She's one of the few passengers who can understand that Ted is calming down, and I think she's at the right angle to see his changing expression. I wish Reid had gotten the chance to keep talking, because I do think he was close to ending it without anyone else getting shot.
One other thing I noticed while watching this episode—throughout the episode, Leo has always been onscreen while he speaks, either in the same frame as Ted, or the camera cuts to him while he speaks. However, if you rewatch the scene, notice that whenever Leo speaks during it, not only is he always offscreen, but his voice has an echo to it that wasn't there before. I don't think most of the analysis I post is reflective of the writer's intent, but that seems very intentional to me, symbolizing that Leo is becoming less real to Ted and therefore losing his grip on him.
*this is a criticism of the writing, not the character. yes, elle is impulsive, but the choice to hit ted while he's being talked down and is no longer aiming the gun at anyone seems like a strange and risky choice.
#some of this might be coloured by me being a canadian#we dont even have life w/o parole much less the death penalty#+ my political beliefs re: police violence and prison#but i stand by it#i could see an argument that we arent supposed to agree with the businessman because hes established as being on the train because he wants#to shoot his wife who is divorcing him. not exactly a stand-up guy#but other characters seem to agree with the choice and the episode seems a little unempathetic to ted in general#i dont know if im making sense lol#not fic#criminal minds#spencer reid#criminal minds rewatch#criminal minds s01e09#derailed#tw gun mention#character analysis#scene analysis#i guess?#lmk if i should add a crit tag by the way#because i realise some of this reads as negative#god now i want to rewrite the ending of this episode where ted doesnt get shot and reid gets to talk him down#criminal minds 1x9
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once i sugary spire, i really sugary my spires
#that was the caption i did for my priv idk#more invetween assignment stuff#dont tag as ship pleeease!#ough now for normal tagging#sugary spire#ohh idk i guess i should tag it too#pizza tower#the noise#pizzelle#pizzelle suzette theodore#pizzano#i wanna give pizzelle like...a tail or somehting#but i dont wanna make her a rat LOL so idk#to be fair idk what pizzanos supposed to be#art.wndws
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I wanna. Pick them up in my mouth and shake 'em around like a dog obliterating a squeaky toy
#you can tag anyone you feel this way about but I was thinking about Rook hunt in particular#tbh I feel like he'd picture the same - just with Vil and Neige#he wanta his oshis to be besties (he is just lime me fr) (just a liiiittle furyher frim reality)#(I view neigexVil as nore of a crackship until we get more Neige development/lore)#(our queen Vil doesn't deserve to be genuinely shipped with someone who's kinda 2D rn.#But I respect people who flesh out neige with headcanons - they write the dynamics realy well tbh)#(hopefully we get more RSA development at some point I think that'd be cool)#(plus I'd cry if TWST just. stopped. after the last NRC OB)#(I mean it'd make sense aince that's where the story is based and it'll probably end once Yuu finds a way home#- which feels close now thanks to Ortho)#(But at the same time I. have been following this since it first came out when I was about 16 - same age as the first year squad lol)#(and I feel like it'd feel weird if we stopped getting main story updates)#(Im rambling a LOT lol - probably because I'm tipsy haha)#(hope someone can relate to my lamenting of future woes though)#(Oh well - I should atop borrowing sorrow from the future and live joyfully with the now)#(I do miss my friends who've stopped being in the fandom though - and my friends who deactivated and idk how to contact now)#(sugarandmelody... zacrazyvalentine... I miss them. but we had fun#writing and stuff. and I suppose that's what matters in the end. that we had fun.)#at least - I hope they had fun too. and I kinda hope they think about me how I think of them sometimes.#have a nice day if you're reading this. I rambled in the tags a while and I understand that it's kinda long lol.#and probably riddled with typos#I'm tearing up for some reason haha. well it is what it is#I hope each and every one of my followers know how amazing they are - I hope y'all have a wonderful day - evening - or night#I wish I could hug people across the internet lol#I should stop posting on tumblr while drinky haha#tw drunk#tw drinking#i'll tag it just in case#don't wanna cause discomfort and stuff
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Apparently I can meet my goal of roughly 400,000 words in 6 months if I just somehow write at least 2,200 words a day ghbjh... Almost 2,500 today... huzzah...
#Definitely not going to be able to stick with it just due to like... being realistic about my energy levels and etc. ESPECIALLY as we#enter the Evil Summer and it becomes hot all the time. But... one can attempt.. at least...#I'm also a very slow writer since I tend to re-read and edit while I write. and only move onto the next section once what I'm writing#seems okay. Which is easy for visual novel type stuff. since ''sections'' of a conversation are more clearly marked (like if you#have a menu option with 5 different dialogue choices. finish the character's response for choice 1 before moving onto 2. etc.)#Especially since when I'm done with a whole quest I always follow it up by playing through it and picking every option and making sure it#actually all works okay and etc. So I am already going to see it all a second time. Then I can go back and reorder a few words or remove#certain sentences that don't sound natural when I read them out loud (I always read it all outloud to myself since it is... just peple#talking.. it should sound like natural dialogue in their voice. etc). But my ''first draft'' is kind of not as first drafty since I pause t#edit a lot as I go along. So it also takes longer probably than it would take other people who I think treat a first draft as more#of a loose guideline or something. AANYWAY...#80F in my bedroom right now again... huzzah... I did end up finishing and recording that sims build video before the heat wave (or is#it really a heat wave if it's just summer..?? lol) came in.. but now... augh.. the editing... plus the costume photos and all else... Much#to do as always.. Often such a long todo list.. a giant scroll hung upon the walls of the evil hermit wizard tower..#Anyhow.. I hope I can finish getting ready for bed early in time to reward myself with a game of tripeaks solitaire whilst I snack on#cheddar cheese and some of those preserved artichokes in a jar. hrgm... I actually have nasturtiums (ultimate best flower) on the#deck again this year but I had to move them all into a corner today because the leaves were getting burnt by the sun lol.. Also am now more#cautiously weaving through social media to ignore all dragon age news. NOT bc of spoilers (I actually love spoilers/literally never play#any game until there's full guides on it I can read to plan my entire playthrough based on knowing exactly what I want to happen lol + mods#and etc.) but just because I'm so busy with my ownprojects I simply do not have the brainspace to dedicate... Yes I love to think#about elves and fictional universe lore. but no.. I pretend I do not see it. Does not exist to me actually. ghgj.. OHH also took som#cool pictures of flowers in the garden section of a store and I wanted to do like.. character designs based on the colors of the flowers o#something. but that might just be another unnecessary project to add to the pile.. I want to commit to the daunting task of dyeing my#hair again some time.. hrm.. this is all of the updates I can think of. As if a bunch of random tags make up for never posting anything for#weeks on end lol.. alas.. too warm to think properly I suppose.. .. I neeeeeed a long lost relative to leave me some million dollar#estate in their will so I can have the resources to move to a colder climate or something ..augh#.. but for now.. I shall toil away in my little wizard tower trying to write 2000 something words a day whilst sweating and such ghbj
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the battle between "reach out to every new person you see online who seems cool" and "never talk to anyone Ever"
#the perfect in between is joining a new discord server talking for one day and then muting it. but unfortunately i am not cool enough for#anyone to invite me. sad.#i have been trying to get out of my. “comfort zone”. and try to make new friends.#shaking trembling puppy gif. im trying.#anyways sorry i never posted my art before and now am suddenly posting a ton. the reason was bc i didnt draw before and now i am#i want to improve and the only way for that to happen is through practice.#i suppose i should clarify on the off chance that more than my 3 followers see this somehow. i am friendly and will happily talk to new#people. reaching out is just scary lol. anyways#it seems like a good time to maketumblr my journal again. forgot how nice it is to ramble in tags
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happy 3rd death day, unus annus 🖤🤍⚰️
unus annus still means a lot to me, even 3 years since it ended.
one of the things i associate the most with it is the idea of trying/learning new things, as i taught myself how to knit during the ending livestream, challenged myself to do my first game jam during the last week of its life, and took up baking as a hobby throughout the entirety of the pandemic.
this year, about halfway through, (mostly because of @gothmothinc inspiring me so much🧡), i decided to take up drawing again!!! and finally, 3 years after unus annus’ end, i finally feel like i’m at a point where i can post some fanart and be proud of it.
so here’s to 4 years of remembering death and taking things one day/year at a time. here’s to 3 years of doing it on our own. and here’s to many more years down the road.
momento mori 🖤🤍⚰️
#unus annus#momento mori#man. i got so emotional while drawing this lol#like it’s not perfect but i made it! the me that existed when unus annus was still posting didn’t think she could ever make this!#sorry for getting all rambly in the read more i just always get emotional around this time in november ahgsvsc#suppose i should make a tag for my art now huh?#prickly’s-art#we were here
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there's a black label blue beetle book in my head that will not ever ever leave now i don't think
#copious amounts of body horror are why black label#but like. i have an opening scene in my head right. pretty aged up from current canon. the reach starts a new invasion on a day that just#so happens to coincide with milagros quince años. the gls go to deal with it and because someone else is handling it#jaime refuses to leave. because it's his sisters quince he can't leave that. but then the reach activate some kind of plan that is supposed#to remotely take control of the scarabs. but because khaji is broken it doesn't quite 100% work. but it works enough that jaime and khaji#start to lose control a little bit. or more than a little bit. but still enough control to try and get out of the party to not hurt anyone#(especially to avoid hurting milagro) but wouldn't you know the reach are much stronger than they were last time. one of the lanterns falls#and the ring makes its way right on over to the party#green lantern!milagro#because i've seen a lot of posts of that and now i'm obsessed. but the first thing she has to do as a lantern is try and get jaime back#and also fight him. because he is mostly not in control#but he ends up getting away still fighting the reach for control. guy gardener (followed the ring) gets there and sees the tail end of this#and he knows that now he's gotta help fix this. and call boostle#things are going spectacular /s. by the time we next see jaime he is simply. not there. it's just khaji in charge. milagro tries to reason#but khaji will not tell her what exactly is going on beyond that jaime is safer this way. she does not believe him at all#and then other stuff happens but this is getting long for tags lol. should i main tag this? probably not but i'm feeling brave#jaime reyes#this is all inspired by a bunch of tumblr posts i saw
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Ok also so I got my eyebrow and nose piercings back in... march, I think? I was supposed to go back in to get the bars changed out some time ago but I never did. Largely bc my eyebrow piercing has Not been healing smoothly (keep accidently banging it and getting it caught on things so it doesn't wanna heal) but I think the long bar has been actively hindering my healing (making it easier to get caught on things) so I decided to change it out Myself. Bought some new smaller jewelry online and it got here today and
I'm not generally squeamish when it comes to my own body. Like pain, blood, whatever. Don't rly care.
That, though... that took some effort.
But I did it! Smaller jewelry to hopefully make healing a little smoother from here on out. I also got some new jewelry for my nose stud that'll get here tomorrow. That one at least won't be a huge deal, since the nose piercing has healed so much more smoothly, thankfully.
(Preemptive warning for Gross Details in the tags. Lol)
#speculation nation#for the eyebrow piercing it's like....#ok this is kinda gross hfkshfks but i think i. at one point when it got caught on something#i think i like. tugged the piercing. um. smaller#?#like the area of skin that the eyebrow piercing runs thru is. smaller. bc it literally tore some of the actual pierced skin.#hurt like a BITCH i'll fuckin tell you that lmfao. ive been a lot more careful since.#but thats another thing with why i wanted a smaller thing. the prior one was fucking Massive in there. way too much#but now i have smth smaller. thinner too. which i hope will help with healing.#downsizing while healing will reduce the amount of variation in jewelry i can stick in there#but tbh i think itd just be wiser to stick to small things anyways. with the thinner patch of skin there.#i dont WANT to rip my eyebrow piercing out. which that was part of what made changing it so hard hfkshfm#these new ones r like screw on ends. but the one before was a pin i had to pull out.#and Let Me Tell You. i was so fucking scared of accidentally ripping it out when trying to pull that bitch. holy shit.#i got it without ripping anything. it still hurt and it bled a good bit but i got it.#switched out the jewelry. which eugh that part was pretty rough too. like not to be gross but rootin around in ur own skin is. somethin#hfksfhksbfmd but it's done and i dont intend to change it until it's healed more. so hopefully it will be. easier then.#i actually took out my nose piercing.. yesterday? to try to switch out with a shorter back#didnt work bc it was thicker. had to put the old one back in. which THAT was harrowing but mostly bc it was so. fucking. hard to do#but the new nose jewelry i got is supposed to come with a thing that makes it easier to put the nose jewelry on#(the hard part is trying to put a flat back base in from the inside of the nose. cant see SHIT in there 😭)#man. facial piercings really arent for the squeamish. good thing im not scared of pain but it has even me like Eughhh#couldve been mitigated has i gone back to the piercer. but oh well. fuck it we ball 💪#ummm should i tag for this lol#gross/#😂
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Well. Did not mean to buy these but now I have these guys I guess fkgjghdgd
#saw mecha sonic blacked out and bought this LOL#THEYRE 10CM TALL I DONT HAVE ROOM FOR THEM!!!! IDK WHERE TO PUT THEM WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW AFKGKGJDHS#the shop also had talking sonic 2 plushies but like. i dont have room ���#sth#vixentalks#i should make a tag just for the stupid sonic shit i buy skdfjdhd
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i just fucking hate having ptsd all of it. so many stupid fucking things send me into fucking hysterics it sucks and i hate it and i dont want itttt anymore i dont want it.
#i literally like. i didnt tell u guys bc it was embarassing#but i had to hype myself up to eat a fucking orange the other day. like i was shaking and crying and i nearly threw up.#bc it fucking reminded me of All that and also bc its one of the only foods i got to eat outside ofm my one meal a day#while i was living there. bc my coworker gave me oranges sometimes#and one time she gave me a whole bag of cuties which was wonderful of her i miss her#but i pretty much like. bc during m-f i had a meal at work#and i could get something from the vending machine if i needed to#but on the weekends i had to either order food (which would always make me insanely nauseous bc of. the money stuff. yk) or just eat#what i had in my room bc i couldnt use the kitchen bc the roommates would be mad at me#and they might kick me out and id be actually fucked. its so crazy looking back that i genuinely the entire time i fucking lived there even#b4 the breakup the entire time i was in terror that theyd evict me. bc i wouldnt have been able to do anything abt it#i mean thats why i didnt like. leave him after he . and stuff. both bc i thought i didnt deserve anything better and bc i was terrified#theyd evict me and i wouldnt have any way to get home. it was terrifying#but ya. so for a couple weeks i rationed myself One orange per day lol. and on weekends that was all i was able to eat rly#idk. i hate ptsd. basicalllyyyy is the gist of ittt. and i keep thinking abt random fucking things they did to me#me when they jokingly tell me to starve myself when i literally have a fucking eating disorder. and when i told The Only Person i knew in#that fucking house abt it he told me i was being dramatic and i was just being greedy and etc. and then later when i got off work today i#saw on their fucking whiteboard in the kitchen i wasnt supposed to use Eat more <3 as one of their goals. while i went to sit in the garage#for the weekend eating a single fucking orange a day. god#idk. ive gotten better with eating i still have the scale but i ws able to go months without using it until the medical call the other week#and i havent used it since but. everytime i think abt all that itmakes me want to go back to it. i cant tho everyone would notice#i do still eat a wholee lot less than i did b4 washington but idk. idont remember if i even ate today i probably should but i dont feel#hungry but i cant even fucking trust that bc i Starved myself for so fucking long im too good at ignoring hunger. and i never was super in#touch with my body but im constantly numb now. idk.#ed ment#a2t#i ws gonna say more but it ws tmi + tag limit anyway. its just insane that my fucking ed wouldnt have happened if it werent for him and it#graduated i wouldnt have been isolatedinever wouldve had an ed. like 50% of my ptsd would be Gone if i just hadnt joined that discord. lol
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Long but relatively unserious vent/rant below the cut (sorry I added this in bc I realized how long this post is oops)
Being at the center of some kind of internet witchhunt (which ik is kind of buzzwordy but) is literally my biggest fear ohhh my god. Even a small scale one… I think I would Die. Maybe it’s because I had a similar thing happen with my friend group in high school where one of them convinced the others I was like evil and spread all these rumors about me… 😭 He was splitting on me but still. That’s an explanation, not an excuse. And it basically confirmed all of my intrusive thoughts about myself, and my personality completely self-destructed and changed, and I haven’t interacted with any of those people the same way since. I isolated from them for MONTHS and just loathed myself. Bleh
The reason it’s on my mind is bc I’ve seen this happen to friends and mutuals and even just people I’ve followed in small fandoms, where the whole fandom hates them bc of this little drama and like. I KNOW that fandom drama is not the end of the world, but truly I think that would destroy me for months. And I would never be able to set foot in those spaces again :’) Getting a handful of rude comments about a fucking transfem hc I had at like 14 made me stop writing fanfic for YEARS 😭😭😭 sigh. Just bc they said it was ‘out of character for him to want to be a girl’ 🙄 (<- character who canonically felt confident when dressed as a woman btw. initially for a disguise but then she grew to love it. BUT I DIGRESS KNSHFJW)
All this to say I think that’s why I tiptoe around everything I say online… I am SO scared of ruffling feathers, but I know that fandoms are places for like! Having fun! And it’s not a big deal! And it doesn’t affect my real life! But like idk.. I just hate the idea of being hated by anyone. I’m sure that I ANNOY some people, and that’s whatever; I talk a lot and make overly personal posts sometimes (like this lol) but I don’t wanna be HATED yk? And idek if it’s better to be hated and ostracized publicly or resented in secret by people who still interact with you… :( Agh. If you ever have an issue with me, please DM me instead of letting it build up into something worse!
ANYWAY LIKE.. with fandom stuff. Idk. I want to have fun! I want to write and post things on Tumblr and AO3 etc but I am just very scared of peoples’ opinions, especially now that I have a decently popular/well-liked longfic in DnDads. For some reason I have convinced myself that writing bad or self-indulgent NSFW will make everyone hate me lmao. Like girl the POINT of fanfic is to be self-indulgent……….. sigh I need to get out more
^ light-hearted… but also kinda true haha. I stay at home a lot just bc I don’t have many reasons to go out atm and only a handful of close friends to go out with. Hopefully that will change when I move next semester lol. And whenever I get interests, they’re VERY strong and long-lasting, and fanfic writing is one of my main hobbies, so I get REALLY into online communities. And rn that is kind of my little niche fandom Tumblr bubble… which is embarrassing and probably unhealthy but whatever. I just inevitably get a lot of anxiety about things that are important/fun to me (bc OCD), especially bc I’ve never really had mutuals/‘friends’ in a fandom before this, excluding my irls
Anyway this got longer and more vent-y than I intended so I will tag accordingly, and sorry to whoever is reading this lol; I just wanted to get my thoughts written down in a public forum bc idk… Makes me feel less insane when ik other people can see it, too. Helps me not take it too seriously and spiral lol.
#vent#cw vent#rant#delete later#<- like tomorrow morning I’m shre#usually I delete stuff like this immediately but I’ll try to keep it up#was talking to my mom earlier about OCD and intrusive thoughts and whatnot….#she definitely has it too. like undoubtedly#her intrusive thoughts and compulsions sounded exactly like mine#which sucks for me bc my dad ALSO definitely has OCD (in a more outwardly recognizable way) so! wahoo! double whammy#just feeling kinda defeated about mental health stuff#I feel like it’s never gonna get better#I need to go to therapy or a psychiatrist or SOMETHING#it’s been like 4 years now since I was originally supposed to go lol#and I keep putting it off out of fear (I think)#my friends (irls) have all been getting diagnoses and prescriptions lately#which is exciting for them but :( idk. I feel like there’s no way to medicate whatever I’ve got going on except SSRIs????#and I don’t really want that#mostly though I’m just scared of going back to therapy or to a psychiatrist bc I think they’ll think I’m lying or crazy or whatever#which sounds stupid when I write it out but idk#I should probably keep a journal but when I’m only writing for my own eyes I just kinda wallow in it and write concerning poetry lol#I like journaling in a way other people can see (even if y’all DON’T like seeing it lmaoooo) bc it makes it feel more real?#and out of my head.. concrete etc.#wackyposting#<- seriously need to change that tag still lol
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Can’t say I’m a big fan of flip flopping between catastrophization and optimism based on whether or not something Bad has happened to me but….. mm
#tags cw: suicide ideation#i think the former started happening because of well… -gestures toward the state of the world-#like i do not think I suddenly developed some kind of specific disorder (… maybe depression if anything ?)#but how the fuck am I supposed to weave through life normally when aware of the fact that living in this country is precarious for many -#- reasons… this planet is carelessly havinf co2 dumped into the atmosphere when we know its going to slowly kill us#many more reasons its difficult to get into#i guess thats depression . Silly (im a psych student i should know this)#or maybe im having extremely poor emotional regulation stemming from continued added stressors throughout my life#i heard that can be a facet of adhd (fun…) which.. i guess so lol#it used to be so much more worse until I got adderall and any time I made a mistake that stressed me out it was like. instant Ideation#adderall used to make me feel elevated which was nice but now i just feel normal (which is better)#*(which is better than it was before)
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unfortunately im a chaser for cis dickgirls that arent so invested in transmisogyny. the harder they are to find, the more precious they become, and the more of a chaser i become
#i need a fat broad with autism and a critical approach to gender#god i hate how you cant say that without it being a dogwhistle for reactionary transmisogyny as opposed to critical thinking#this feels like before my time cause ppl were already using the term by the early 2010s#but whats going on with critical race theory atm has a similar possible end#not that it starts to represent some particular fringe group invested in some other form of structural violence#but that it becomes more and more meaningless and putting the terms race and critical together becomes more difficult#i dont know why this post turned into a tag commentary on robbing black people of language but here we are#trying to be abrasive with other trans lesbians is hard to do without getting distracted#and just being honest about observations#also the more i think about it i dont want to make that kind of commentary about racism just for the drama#that post about hypervisibility wasnt supposed to get a hundred notes lol#i dont think i should be playing chicken like this so much or at least give it a limit idk#at least not when i chose to engage the world that way#honesty or just existence as a trans woman is already a game of chicken#fml these tags are like twice as long now
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#wak#negative /#tag vent /#man.. why is everything so draining#like.. fr it seems like I can't do Anything for an extended amount of time without burning out and wanting to quit#like. when I was little it was my absolute dream to be able to do nothing but draw all day every day but#now as an adult the thought of it stresses me out and makes me sick to my stomach#I used to get so excited about getting commissions but#now every time I see that someone's commissioned me I just dread doing it as if it's something I'm getting graded for in two days#(note that this isn't a slight against people who've commed me by any means. if you've commed me you're a saint)#(but. that's just how I feel and I wish it wasn't)#which is why comms are closed rn and idk when I'm opening them back up#rn I'm doing commission-based editing/proofreading work for a small publishing comp#something that I Also once aspired to do full-time#but.. I'm already kinda getting tired of it? probably bc my current project is 140+ pages that I have to get done in two weeks#like.. it's not Bad and I'm not quitting (I don't have a choice anyway. this is the closest thing I have rn to a consistent-ish job)#but it.. just gets less fun w every manuscript and I hate that#and like... whenever I go out no matter where I am I just want to go back home#I have no 'dream job' anymore. I have no goals. I don't want to go places or do things I just want to be home sleeping#but. as we all know that's not an option in the capitalist hellscape we live in#hell... even if we Didn't live in the hellscape it probably still wouldn't be an option lol#and of course my mom will not hear any of it and just thinks I'm being spoiled and lazy and 'using my aut as an excuse'#and most people including supposed '''''leftists'''' would probably agree with her too#bc 95% of '''"radical communists''''' on here are Adults Aren't Allowed To Exist Outside Of Working And That's How Things Should Be truther#who vocally treat unemployment as a moral failing and as a Bad Person Trait™ inbetween making Capitalism Bad posts#but I'm getting offtopic. Maybe I Am Useless And Lazy And A Leech Or Etc#but what I'm trying to say is I feel like I'm going to be miserable and feel like just a machine no matter what I do#and like I'm never going to have a happy or fulfilling life#and that my only option is to go to sleep never wake up and hope I'm reborn with no mental illnesses or trauma and into a rich family#but.. fat chance.
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