#trying to be abrasive with other trans lesbians is hard to do without getting distracted

[agp]

unfortunately im a chaser for cis dickgirls that arent so invested in transmisogyny. the harder they are to find, the more precious they become, and the more of a chaser i become

[anarcoqueer1994]

Bowling Confessions

A short follow up follow up fic to "Don't Let Me Go." Also note you are valid regardless whether you pass or not. Also, if you need anyone to talk to, I am here and my inbox is open.

TJ couldn't believe what had happened today. It was 2am and he knew he should be asleep but just couldn't. If you had asked him 24 hours ago if today's simple day of sledding would of ended with him getting his first boyfriend, he would have laughed in your face. He never imagined that Cyrus would like him back. But not only had Cyrus told him he liked him as much as he liked Cyrus, but Cyrus now knew he was trans and that didn't change anything in his eyes. He still loved him. To say TJ was relieved, was an understatement. All he has ever wanted was to be treated like any other guy. He knew it shouldn't matter if your cis or not, but also knew not everyone thought that way. Even people who are supposedly "allies" often misgendered trans folks without meaning too. That's why it meant so much to TJ that Cyrus saw him as a boy even after finding out his secret. 

But that's also the reason he still did not want to tell their other friends quite yet. He was still nervous about how they may react. Sure they almost immediately went downstairs and told everyone they were dating but that was easy. (Well except for Buffy pulling him aside to personally kick his ass if he ever hurts Cyrus.) It was easy because he was pretty sure everyone in that room was a little queer. He knew his sister, Amber, was a lesbian, having only dated Jonah out of some misguided internalized homophobia. Andi was pan and so into his sister. Jonah and Buffy were bi kids all the way. So yeah, telling them that hey he was gay and dating Cyrus was a piece of cake. But telling them he was trans was way scarier, and luckily Cyrus would never push him to tell when he was not ready.

There is one issue though, someone in that room earlier, other than Cyrus and Amber, knew TJ was trans; Marty. Marty was the person in the group that he knew the least about. Up until a month ago, he didn't even know who Marty was.(Apparently they were in some classes together but he doesn't remember him.) He is pretty sure Marty is a straight, cis boy but pretty harmless. But that straight, cis boy was also the person who walked in on him in the bathroom while he was changing. This is the boy who now knew he was trans. 

Sure, Marty was respectful enough not to out him but TJ had taken note of how much more quiet Marty was the rest of the day. He also noticed Marty staring at him from time to time. He may be over thinking it but he can't help but be worried. What if Marty doesn't feel comfortable around him and it makes hanging out Cyrus' friends weird? 

TJ sighs in annoyance at himself. Why is he wasting his night obsessing over this? He has better things to think about, like the fact that before leaving Cyrus' house, the shorter boy asked to take hm on a date tomorrow...err...later today at this point.

Ugh , he thinks to himself, as he looks to the clock. 3am. He needs to sleep. So he throws a pillow over his head in a desperate attempt to subdue his own racing thoughts. Eventually exhaustion wins out, and he drifts asleep.

**************

It's about 4pm later that day, and TJ is waiting anxiously for Cyrus. They are supposed to meet at The Spoon for their first official date. Sure they have been to this same restaurant hundreds of times before but this time felt new, and exciting, and scary, all at once. He wanted today to go perfect. He spent two hours changing his outfit to find "the perfect date look." Amber also convinced him that Cyrus would like his hair with no gel. She may have also slipped in there the fact that Andi mentioned to her that Cyrus really likes TJ in his glasses, the glasses he only wears around the house typically. 

So here he was, in the middle of the diner, with his hair falling way more freely than he prefers and his dorky glasses on his face. He doesn't feel the most confident in how he looks right now. But he needs today to go well. So he is trying out his look. Part of him was nervous because what if yesterday was a fluke? What if Cyrus got there and realized this was all a mistake?

Every single one of those worries melt away when he sees Cyrus walk through the door. The moment Cyrus sets eyes on him, the brunette's face lights up. The way Cyrus stares at him makes TJ's face heat up in a deep red blush. Why or how Cyrus can make him feel so soft is a mystery to him but it can't be stopped. Cyrus walks to the table and stands for a moment in what looks to be awe. 

"You look so…" The brown eyed boy's voice breaks the silence. He kneads his lower lip trying to find the best word to describe how he thought TJ looked. Cute? No that was too soft. Beautiful? Not quite the right word either. He finally decides on the word. "Handsome." It was the right mix of affectionate and distinguished.

 Without thinking Cyrur runs his fingers through TJ's hair as he keeps standing by the edge of the table. "I really like your hair. It's so soft. Not that I don't  like it other times though…" Cyrus backtracks, turning slightly red himself for putting his foot in his mouth. "It's just that I like that I can touch it without feeling the gel. And I like your glasses, you look so...I'm sorry if I am saying the wrong things. I'm just nervous you know and I really like you and I think you look so good..and…you smell good, like citrus and...

TJ smiles to himself listening to his boyfriend rambling. He finally grabs Cyrus' hand and pulls him onto the booth bench next to him, before placing a small kiss on the boy's cheek that suddenly leaves him speechless. TJ takes the moment of quiet to say "I think you look pretty good, too, muffin.

"Thanks Teej…" Cyrus replies before settling against TJ as TJ casually wraps his arm around Cyrus' shoulders. As they sat and talked and ate it felt like neither boy can remember being nervous. Sitting like this feels like they should of been doing this all along. It felt natural to sit so close, enjoying each other's company.

*************

When they finished  another renowned rendition of baby tater theater, followed closely by actually eating said baby taters, TJ asked "So what else do you have planned, underdog?"

"Nothing crazy. Buffy invited us to go bowling with her and Marty. Andi has family stuff going on so it would just be the 4 of us. It could be fun." Cyrus notices TJ's face change. It clouds over with what looks like worry. "Or we don't have to, sweetie…we can go to the park or something. "

"No Cy, I want to go. It is fine. I promise."

"Tell your face that then…" Cyrus says half jokingly. "What's up, my not-so-scary basketball guy?"

"It is nothing…" TJ says but knows he does not sound so convincing.

"Let's not start off this relationship with you lying to me. What is it?"

"I'm scared, okay?" TJ replies quietly.

"Of what?" Cyrus lowers his voice to match TJ's.

TJ takes in a deep breath like the air is suddenly heavier. It always feels heavier whenever he talks about his trans identity. It feels like if he says the wrong thing, he could mess something up. Sometimes it felt like he had to work harder than everyone else just to exist. Every once in awhile he wishes someone else he knew was going through this. 

As he thinks about this, Cyrus can see the distress on his face. Cyrus says, "You don't have to tell me, TJ… its okay. " Cyrus  smiles.

TJ returns the gesture with a weak smile. "No I want to tell you. I want to tell you everything all the time, actually. Its...its  Marty. He is the one who walked in on me yesterday, remember? And he was staring at me yesterday the entire time after that. I don't know if he is comfortable with me."

Cyrus reaches for TJ's free hand. "Like I said, we don't  have to go.'

"No we are going to go. I'm just nervous." TJ says in a soft voice, he barely recognizes as his own.

"To be honest, I don't know too much about Marty so I can't speak for him but I know Buffy. She really likes Marty and I can't see her being with someone who would treat you differently for something like being trans." Cyrus keeps his voice down so he doesn't bring unwanted attention to the green eyed boy.

TJ gives his boyfriend a small, unsure smile.  "I guess you are right…"

"Plus I will be with you the entire time." Cyrus says with a wide grin that TJ can't help but mirror. Maybe this will be okay TJ thinks to himself.

***********

Boy was he wrong. From the moment TJ and Cyrus arrived at the bowling alley, it seemed like all Marty could do was stare at TJ. TJ would catch Marty eyeing him up and down, like he was trying to figure something out. It got to the point where even Cyrus noticed it, prompting him to wrap his arm around TJ's shoulder, almost like he was trying to protect him. 

Amazingly Buffy did not seem to notice. Cyrus really wanted to tell Buffy so she could talk some sense into this guy she likes so much. But telling her would be outing TJ so that was out of the question. So those two just keep up their banter, albeit Marty being a bit distracted.

TJ meanwhile tried to focus on Cyrus. He was trying to keep distracted from the blatant stares that bore into him. It is hard though. Even with the bumbers up, (at Cyrus' request) he was not doing well. All he could think about was how uncomfortable Marty is making him feel. He didn't do anything to deserve to feel like a freak on display. Finally when Buffy gets up to grab some food, TJ pulls away from Cyrus and walks up to Marty.

"Can we talk, over there?" TJ's voice comes out more abrasive than he intended as he points to an empty corner of the alley.

"Uh, yeah, sure man." Marty says in a voice that seems riddled with anxiety.

TJ leads the way to the corner of the room. As he passes Cyrus he hears him say "I'm here if you need anything." TJ blushes at those simple words as he continues to walk away. 

When they finally get to a secluded spot, TJ clears his throat and Marty looks at him. This is probably the first one on one conversation they have ever had. "So what is your deal?"

"What do you mean?" Marty asks as he looks to the floor.

"You know what I mean. You haven't stopped starring since you walked in on me yesterday. Is it because you know I'm...I'm trans?"

Marty looks up. He looks so insure. He says "Of course not, actually yea." TJ's eyes look hurt and angry at the same time. Before he can say anything else Marty continues. "But not in the way you think.'

"Oh so you aren't staring at me because you think I'm weird and a freak?" TJ says sarcastically. He is used to assuming the worst so that doesn't seem like a stretch.

"No! Of course not!"

"Then why have you been staring at me?!" He says in a hushed yell. Then he pauses. He notices the look of sadness and fear in the other boy's face. He recognizes that look from his own mirror. His voice softens "Hey man, are you okay?"

Marty shakes his head as his breathe catch as he tries to speak. After a long couple seconds, he chokes out, "I was staring because I couldn't actually believe their was another guy at school like me. I've been trying to figure out if it was all my imagination. I'm...I'm sorry if I made you feel weird."

"Wait…" TJ says in disbelief. "Did you say 'Guy at school like you?' as in...as in you're trans?" 

"Yea, I am." Marty gives a half smile.

"How did I not know this before?" 

"The same reason that no one knows about you. Sometimes if you manage to pass, it is way easier not to go around announcing your trans."

TJ huffs at his own dumb question. "I guess you are right."

Suddenly the world around TJ felt lighter. There was now another person he could confide in that probably understood this aspect of his life better than anyone else. He is suddenly glad his boyfriend brought him here.

"Can I ask you a question?" Marty says interrupting his thoughts.

"Yea, anything."

"How do you get your voice to sound so good? I catch mine cracking all the time and I am so worried is going to give me away."

TJ cracks a small smile. "My mom is a piano teacher and she understands all this pitch and tone stuff. It sounds dumb, but she helps me."

Marty frowns and TJ is worried he said something wrong. "Did I say something wrong?"

"No, you didn't. Not at all. Um, did you say your mom helps you? She knows?"

"Well yea, it would be hard to hide something like this." TJ says matter-of-factly. Marty knows too well it is hard to hide something like this.

"She supports you?" Marty continues to question.

"Yea, since I was little. So does my dad."

Marty looks away. "That must be nice."

TJ puts his hand on the other boy's shoulder as they stand across from each other. "I take it your parents aren't the most supportive?"

"Not really. My dad barely talks to me and my mom refuses to address me by anything but my dead name. Sometimes the teachers at school are more supportive than my own parents. At least they call me Marty." Marty looks devastated as he continues. TJ just let's the other boy get it out. "And it's hard you know? Like the one binder I saved up and bought, my mom found and threw out. So most of the time, I'm stuck with bandages and sports bras. And like I can't have friends over because my parents would out me. What if that's how Buffy finds out? I really like her and I can't even bring her to my house, without being forced out to her. I just...wish they would stop treating me like a bad daughter and start being proud of son they have. Like, come on, I am the fastest guy in school ...why don't they care, you know? Why don't they care about me."

TJ's heart broke for Marty. He suddenly felt 100x more thankful for his parents. He sat in quiet with the other boy for a while. After a bit TJ breaks the silence. "I'm sorry about your parents. You don't deserve that. But I can say for 100% sure if Buffy were to ever find out, she would not care. Anyone can see how much she cares about you.

"Yea, and I'm going to tell her but not today."

"Okay." TJ says simply. This is Marty's truth to tell on his time.

After a few more minutes, they walk back over to their awaiting friends. As TJ settles back into Cyrus' side, the shorter boy says "Everything okay?"

"Yea, everything is fine." He smiles and Cyrus doesn't push for more. The rest of the evening is a lot of fun. TJ's life could not be better. He has a cute boyfriend that he loves and so many great friends, now. Sometime soon he thinks he will tell the rest of them his truth.

That night after he and Cyrus spend too much time on the porch saying goodnight, he slips into his house. His mom sits on the couch watching an old movie. He simply sits down beside her, hugs her and whispers "Thanks mom."

Thanks for reading and thank you to @kippens-a-goodman for the idea to add Marty in!