#I struggled with burnout while making this but I pushed through and the result is good

[justgoji]

Day 12: Heterodontosaurus

@1dinodaily

[mynicosensesaretingling]

hiii ! I saw your post about the elections , i hope you’ll be okay over there even with those results ! Could i request a oneshot or some HC about brocedes with a reader who’s really burnout and struggling through med school ? If writing about the brocedes together is a no-no for you, just lewis or max would be just as fine ! take care ! 👋 from France

thank you for your request and the warmest greetings back to you! 💓

Here are your HCs, I hope you enjoy them:

-Nico immediately notices when you’re feeling off. His sharp attention to detail extends beyond the track, and he’s always quick to check in with you. He’ll sit you down with a cup of tea and listen to you vent, making sure you feel heard.

-If everything becomes too much to you, he gladly takes on the role of the planner, trying to organize a “study schedule” for you , complete with color-coded breaks. He’s determined to help you balance work and rest. He swears by his "methodical approach" and keeps saying, "Efficiency is the key to success!" like it’s his personal mantra. Knowing full well that burnout is something you can’t push through. He even plans study breaks filled with distractions to get you out of your head.

-If he’s not with you, expect him to send you motivational messages at random times. “Just one more chapter, you’ve got this! 💪” and “The finish line is in sight! Proud of you.” He’s very big on helping you visualize success.

-Lewis has been through the highs and lows of intense pressure, so he’s always dropping little nuggets of wisdom about mental strength and perseverance, making it his mission to remind you to not be so hard on yourself.

-When he finds out you’re overworking yourself, he’ll say things like, “You wouldn’t want me to race an F1 car at full speed every day without maintenance, right? So why are you doing that to yourself?”

-Expect Lewis to show up with (vegan) treats or comfort food, gently reminding you that self-care is just as important as studying.

-Despite their rivalry on the track, Nico and Lewis put all of that aside to create a support system for you. They understand what it means to be under immense pressure, so they tag-team in making sure you don’t fall too deep into a burnout.

-They most likely just push their way into your apartment with such ease, like this wasn’t the first time they’d interrupted your study sessions.

-Nico is more practical, offering to help you with organization and structure, while Lewis is all about positive energy and mental health. Together, they provide a well-rounded support system, making sure you feel supported both mentally and physically.

-They’d likely throw in some playful banter between them just to make you smile. “Don’t let Nico make you study too hard; remember who won the most races,” Lewis might say, with Nico replying, “You can’t meditate your way through med school, Lewis. Trust me, the best way to succeed is with a plan.” Lewis, shoots him a cheeky grin,“Yeah? How’d your plan go in 2016? Oh right, you retired after one win.” Throwing a pen at Lewis, Nico laughs. “I’m still a world champion. And unlike you, I don’t make people meditate through stressful situations.”

-They plan a "med school pit stop" day, where they whisk you away for an entire day of fun and relaxation. Whether it’s a day trip to a spa, a race day, or just chilling at home with movies and food, they make sure you’re not thinking about school for at least a few hours.

[britishmuffin]

Hello, Britishmuffin

I hope you are having a wonderful day/night.

Just wanted to know what inspires you to make such amazing art pieces? As well how do you deal with art block?

Im a artist myself but times get tuff and I lose motivation and start developing art block.

Sincerely, fisheggsoup :)

Morning! Love your name :D

Truthfully, my biggest motivator is born of necessity these days. I create art because I have bills to pay and family to support. My patrons are a huge driving force in all this, cheering me on from the sidelines while I work; my band of blessed saviours.

I also make sure that my social feeds are full of artists I love, who make art that makes me happy. I'm always watching films and playing games, always constantly absorbing media in this wacky age of technology-infused information. Then if I'm lucky, I get the chance to step outside for a walk in the woods with my sibling to help ground ourselves in the world and reconnect with nature, pure medicine for the troubled soul.

All of these activities serve to stir the Brain Soup and sometimes reflect in my artwork. I rarely get struck with the "fabled bolt of inspiration" these days, but I blame the current climate. I did used to.

As some of you will already know because I'm being quite open about it this time, I'm currently battling the worst bout of burnout I've had in literal years. So really, I'm not sure I'm the best person to be asking on the topic of how to deal with it, but here you go:

In my experience it’s not the best idea to wait for inspiration to strike. Inspiration is unreliable, constantly waiting can leave you anxious, and also most of us just don’t have the luxury of being able to. I kinda think we just need to create despite it (or TO spite it, or in order to spite someone who told you you couldn't, if that's your sauce).

If you feel like your art sucks, instead of expecting perfection try just giving yourself permission to be bad at art for a while, you might be surprised about how much of a relief it feels. Make a hundred terrible little sketches, doodles, scribbles, or just make marks on paper. You don’t even have to show them to anyone, they can be just for your eyes! More often than not I’ve found that the physical act of creating artwork can genuinely inspire you to make more, and better work. It flexes those art muscles and gets the creative cogs whirring. Just make stuff!!!

As a person who’s had little choice but to create for years, it can be really helpful to push through it. Not always, though.

Sometimes the art block you’re staring down actually goes layers deep into the realms of debilitating mental health and poor living status, right into dangerous burnout and breakdown territory. Some would argue that creating art in times of real pain is the best medicine, and indeed, creates the best results. I wholly disagree.

My advice is to always make art in those moments when you can, even if it sucks. And when you just can’t, then rest. Watch your favourite guilty pleasure anime, cook some delicious food, hug your pets, go exist in nature for a bit. Have you ever seen Kiki’s Delivery Service? That!

Helpful links to combat art block:

Line of Action has great learning resources, while also being a brilliant tool for a variety of speedy sketch warm-ups

Don’t know what to draw? Use a character description generator!

You could flex your figure drawing muscles with models on Figurosity, AdorkaStock, or ArtModels360 (nudity warning)

Improve your fundamental art skills with Drawabox or videos on The Fix List

Generate some colour palettes to use as a challenge. Adobe’s colour wheel tool isn’t too bad either

Other more practical tips include:

If you struggle staying motivated, try to refocus by sitting down and asking yourself "What kind of art do I really want to create?” Try to rediscover what excites you! Is your aim to work in the art industry? To be able to draw your OCs smooching? Draw beefy bara men? Do you really just wanna paint cool rocks? All valid af

Pull up images of your favourite artworks and study them. Ask yourself “Why do I like this artwork?” Are the outfits really cool designs? Is the lineart super stylish? Do you love the way they used colours? After that, think about what you need to learn to get to that point yourself, and start small. Mimic your favourite artworks in order to learn how to do it.

Example: If you realise that you want to improve at drawing hands, just spend a week learning about them. Draw pages and pages of them, find a way to make them fun and sexy to draw! I did just that, and now hands are actually one of my favourite things to draw, it works.

Warm-ups are SO important. If you just started on a piece and already feel defeated, ask yourself “Did I warm up enough first?” You can try looping fifty quick spirals in different sizes with your pen, scratch out some box shapes, doodle some funky wiggly shapes, crosshatch them, whatever you want! Just get that hand moving before you leap into your artwork of choice, it helps to loosen up to keep your lines from becoming too stiff.

If it’s just not working today, that’s okay. Take a break by filtering your creativity into another entirely different creative pursuit. You could try baking something tasty, making music, writing for your next D&D campaign, building cute houses in minecraft or the sims, painting miniatures, crafting with paper or sewing fabric, etc etc. Anything that keeps the creative brain ticking that isn’t drawing is also worthwhile.

And, mentally:

Try not to worry about what other people think of your artwork. Doesn’t matter what age you are or your background, the fact you’ve created anything at all is incredible. You brought something into the world that didn’t exist before. You’re powerful as hell.

Related: please please please don’t focus on being “successful” on social media. Even though I know it can feel awesome to post your art and get instant reactions, these things are a death spiral of addictive behaviour and shouldn’t dictate your creativity. Use sparingly.

Remember that your kid self would absolutely be losing their mind over the cool stuff you’ve made now. Same goes for your ancient ancestors who used to make those little clay animals. You’re doing great, be proud.

Don’t be so damn hard on yourself. I mean it <3

If you keep drawing you will improve. You will get your motivation back. You will make art again even if it takes you a while. And know that a muffin is cheering for you c:

[leggyre]

You got any adivce for someone who's considering dropping drawing completely since they don't like what they're making at all?

honestly i've been in the same struggle recently bc it just hasn't been a good year for me. i haven't been drawing a lot bc most of the time i'm either sick or i just.. can't. I've been picking myself up as of late and it's a really difficult grind, but honestly the fact i've been able to actually start this grind is already good for now. I guess that counts as advice; be patient with yourself. Self-esteem doesn't come easy and the little steps are worth so much more than you think.

ok so uh,

-if you just started, don't think about it too much. we all start with the weird scribbles. if you stop now you might never get back to it -if you've been trying to doodle often and always end up hating the result, just take a break. art block is seasoning for burnout and you might just be tired. a lot of times i've felt bad about my art i kinda "gave up" for a while and when i came back to it it was like "wtf this easy what was my issue (it was burnout)". so take a break, play some videogames or hang out with your friends for a week. idk write essays about the media you like? it feels like you're being unproductive but resting IS part of productive because just pushing yourself will just result in nothing being done at the end of the day. -look at your favorite work! im not quite out of my latest artblock yet because its a tough one(it's been teaming up with depression caused by health problems it suuuuucks :/), but when i went long enough without being able to draw I kinda started feeling like I can't do shit and can't call myself an illustrator at all specially bc what i do isnt that big of a deal compared to others(<- comparison also big mistake remember youre the only one who can make YOUR art), going through my folders and seeing the stuff I like the most gave me a LOT of motivation to keep going, even if I was still unable to start drawing right away. not giving up is so important. -so yeah love your art. focus on drawing things you like because it's a gift from you to you, and you should treat it as such. i know it's really hard to be positive about it all the time but it can be really good to go through all your artwork at the end of a day and look at the things you like about it, even if it isn't much. -on that note, find something you really like drawing!!! back in high school i had massive periods of depression that kept me from drawing but i occasionally found sort of a 'life hack' for myself which were things i was always able to work with even during the worst times. one of them was just.. bees. i just doodled random characters as these bees and made og designs too and it was fun. the other one was using colored pencils instead of a regular one bc i just like colors and it made me happy :] it didnt matter that they always had the same overall shape or if i couldnt erase when i messed up, i was just feeling good being able to draw something that i liked. -experiment more!! expand your palettes and download some new brushes. i even change from my newest to my old busted tablet that still sorta works occasionally because using a tool that feels different is.. refreshing somehow? idk -when you need to get yourself back up, do the little steps at your own pace. do a little doodle every day. it's okay if it's always the same thing. the same character. the exact same idea. it's okay if it sucks or if it's unfinished because you struggled. Just give it little pushes. What matters is to try. and it's okay if you can't do it every day. maybe every other day if you need a slower pace. -and remember. engagement doesn't measure your skill. art is subjective anyways!!!!! i spent YEARS doodling and posting only my ocs and getting little to no notes. i think one of my favorite artworks from the time i had ~100 followers had like 0 notes for the longest time. to be honest i don't even know if it has any likes at all nowadays i'd have to look it up bc it's a bit buried

[hieisdarkdragonchick]

FOR AN ENFP-T WHO IS ALSO 2W1

Me trying to figure out what my therapist meant and that I, a 7 year old, was not the world's most selfish brat in existence?

One side of the gene pool is really out to get me and not in the understanding way....

"Growing up with a parent who has anger issues might make them hypersensitive to conflict and eager to please or appease others as a way to avoid confrontation. They may have developed a strong ability to read emotional cues as a means of navigating their parent’s temper."

" Experiencing a parent who was both an authority figure and often absent or emotionally unpredictable could leave them with complex feelings towards authority and independence. They might simultaneously desire approval from authority figures while also yearning for freedom and autonomy."

"Their upbringing might make them cautious about opening up and trusting others, FEARING ABANDONMENT or volatility in relationships."

"Their self-esteem might be closely tied to the feedback and appreciation they receive from others. A lack of acknowledgment or rejection could lead to significant emotional turmoil."

"Their already strong drive to help and support others could become even more pronounced, pushing them to go above and beyond to prove their worth through acts of kindness and support."

"They might overcommit themselves to causes and people, stretching themselves too thin in an attempt to be indispensable, which could lead to burnout or resentment if their efforts aren't reciprocated or acknowledged."

"Living with someone who lacks empathy might have forced them to become highly perceptive and adaptable, learning to read subtle cues to anticipate mood shifts or potentially harmful behavior."

"Constantly seeking approval from a narcissistic caregiver might result in them placing excessive value on external validation and struggling with self-esteem."

They might become overly attuned to the needs and moods of others, often at the expense of their own needs, driven by the desire to avoid criticism or neglect

Intense Desire to Help and Be Needed: Their background might intensify their ENFP-T and 2w1 tendencies to help and support others, possibly as a way to find value and purpose they felt was lacking in their upbringing.

Challenges in Personal Boundaries: They may struggle with establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries, having grown up in an environment where boundaries were likely disregarded or violated.

Early Maturity: Taking on a caretaker role so young would likely accelerate their maturity, making them more responsible and serious than their peers. They would have had to learn practical skills and emotional intelligence early on.

Nurturing: They would develop a deeply ingrained nurturing side, always looking out for the needs of others, sometimes even at the expense of their own.

Self-Sacrifice: Their identity might become closely tied to their role as a caretaker, valuing themselves primarily through their usefulness to others and their ability to provide care and stability.

Dependency Issues: There could be a risk of developing unhealthy dependency relationships, either by being overly needed or by needing to be overly needed. They might struggle with forming relationships where they are not in a caretaker role.

"Stress and Anxiety: The weight of such responsibilities from a young age can lead to chronic stress and anxiety. They might constantly worry about the wellbeing of their siblings and even the adults they care for.Delayed Personal Development: While they might mature early in some aspects, their personal development in other areas, like independence, personal interests, and social skills outside of their caretaker role, might be delayed or stunted."

Driven by Service to Others: Their life choices, career paths, and values might be heavily influenced by their early caretaker role, gravitating towards professions or causes that allow them to care for or help others.Search for Belonging and Purpose: They might be on a continuous search for belonging and purpose, driven by the early experience of being indispensable to their family's functioning but also burdened by it.Resilience and Adaptability: Despite the challenges, this upbringing could instill remarkable resilience and adaptability, enabling them to navigate life's hurdles more effectively than others.

God why did I spend so much time hating myself and thinking I was the one who messed everything up why can't I be angry at them without feeling guilty?

[iykeman98]

MY HNG experience (the good, the bad, your Fear)

Introduction

Embarking on a journey with the HNG Internship program was an exhilarating experience filled with challenges, growth, and moments of self-discovery. As I reflect on my journey, I can't help but share the good, the bad, and the fear that accompanied my HNG experience.

The Good

Skill Development: One of the most significant positives of my HNG experience was the opportunity to sharpen my technical skills. The program provided a structured learning environment where I could explore various programming languages, tools, and frameworks. Through real-world projects, I gained hands-on experience in web development, mobile app development, and even cloud computing. This practical knowledge was invaluable and gave me a competitive edge in the job market.

Collaborative Learning: HNG emphasized teamwork and collaboration, fostering an environment where I could learn from my peers. Collaborating with talented individuals from diverse backgrounds exposed me to different perspectives and problem-solving approaches. It was inspiring to see how teamwork could result in innovative solutions and better outcomes.

Networking Opportunities: HNG opened doors to a vast network of professionals and mentors. I had the privilege of connecting with experienced developers and industry experts who provided guidance and mentorship. Building these relationships was crucial for my personal and professional growth. Networking also led to job offers and freelance opportunities.

Portfolio Enhancement: The real-world projects I worked on during HNG allowed me to build a strong portfolio. Having tangible evidence of my skills and accomplishments became a powerful tool when applying for jobs and internships. It demonstrated my ability to apply theoretical knowledge to practical scenarios.

The Bad

Intense Pressure: The HNG program was demanding, with tight deadlines and high expectations. At times, the pressure was overwhelming, leading to stress and burnout. Balancing coursework, project work, and personal life was a constant struggle. However, I realized that this pressure was also an opportunity to develop resilience and time management skills.

Technical Challenges: The technical challenges I encountered during HNG were both frustrating and rewarding. Debugging code errors, troubleshooting issues, and learning new technologies could be time-consuming and mentally taxing. But overcoming these obstacles made me a better problem solver and coder.

Limited Time for Personal Projects: While HNG provided an excellent platform for learning and working on real-world projects, it left limited time for personal coding projects. Balancing coursework and personal interests was challenging, and I often had to prioritize HNG tasks over personal goals.

My Fear

Throughout my HNG experience, my biggest fear was the fear of failure. I was afraid that I wouldn't meet the program's expectations or that I'd fall short in comparison to my peers. This fear pushed me to work harder and strive for excellence, but it also created moments of self-doubt and anxiety.

Overcoming this fear required a shift in perspective. I began to see failure not as a setback but as an opportunity to learn and grow. I realized that making mistakes was an integral part of the learning process and that the only true failure was giving up. Embracing this mindset allowed me to tackle challenges with more confidence and resilience.

Conclusion

My HNG experience was a rollercoaster ride filled with ups and downs. The good included skill development, collaborative learning, networking, and portfolio enhancement. The bad encompassed intense pressure, technical challenges, and limited time for personal projects. My fear of failure was a constant companion, but I learned to use it as a motivator rather than a hindrance.

Ultimately, my HNG journey was a transformative experience that prepared me for the challenges of the tech industry. It taught me the value of hard work, perseverance, and a growth mindset. As I move forward in my career, I carry with me the lessons and memories from my HNG experience, grateful for the opportunity to have been a part of this incredible program.

[ibuttermybagle]

Therapist approved hacks to not get burnout from studying (written by a former law school drop out that had a burnout and went to therapy):

Take breaks. I can't stress that enough. Take breaks often. Make them shorter but put them in there a lot. If you really wanna push it take 20 minute breaks before studying 20 minutes. Rinse and repeat. You'll get more shit done cause you can concentrate better and short study sessions don't need as much motivation.

Don't rest in your study room if you can. Studying in your bedroom? Rest in the livingroom. If you only have one room, change your position. Move from chair to bed or couch. Sit on the floor. Just get away from the desk.

Study at a desk only. Your brain will start connecting desk studying to being focused while studying in your bed might end up ruining your evening care by keeping your mind active instead of turning it into bed time.

Eat. Eat eat eat eat. You'll burn calories when studying so snack if you're hungry. If you can, eat healthy, however don't starve yourself while studying so rather take something unhealthy than nothing at all.

Skip afternoon coffees. It won't actually help you study that much, instead open the window to get fresh air or chew ice cubes. Wakes you up just as well.

Get a full night of sleep. I can't stress this one enough. A healthy sleep schedule is the first things most therapists have to work on with burnout patients because everyone is just so stuck in the "work now, sleep later" mindset. Which btw. doesn't really give you results because you'll be hellish tired next day and will be unable to focus in class and just get more work as a result.

Get two activities for once you're done studying: A hobby and something you do to rest. They're different. A hobby will drain your energy, even though you like doing it, something you do to rest will fill up your energy. (Example: My hobby is crocheting. My rest activity is drinking tea or coffee in the backyard and watching birds.)

Get organised. Yes, sorted chaos is also a way to be organised. If you're neurodivergent or mentally ill, you might struggle with a very strict sorting system. But have one nonetheless. You can just throw all your pens into one box, all your papers into another one and have all your study related books messily in just one cupboard. Have a system, no matter how bad.

Speak. To. People. I had 10 hour study sessions when I was in law school. I woke up in my room, sat on the desk in my room, ate in my room, went back to sleep in my room. Except for the occasional hello to my parents on the way to the toilet and for studybuddies online, I haven't talked to anyone. That's unhealthy. That makes you sick. "But I'm an introvert who likes to be alone" - that's fine. But even introverted people have to socialize. Just with the right people. If you don't like talking to anyone at all, consider talking to a health professional because that's not introversion, that's mental illness.

Get a tutor. (I'm not saying that because I'm a tutor myself now, but because I know how much that actually helps). Especially if you're still in school there are so many options for very little money. Or tons of options for more money if your parents agree to pay for them. Shy? Get an online tutor. Need that human contact I mentioned before? Get a personal tutor. Talking through the topics will always help more than just learning them by yourself. Which is another point:

Become a tutor. Teach someone the topic you're studying. Teach it to your siblings, parents, friends from another major or just help your friends out with the stuff they don't understand but you do. If you can gain a bit pocketmoney through it. Cool. If not, you got at least an easier time next exam season.

To summarise the most important points;

Eat, sleep, talk to people, take breaks and don't try to let yourself be fooled by motivational videos online.

[dauntless-gothamite]

Prove Them Wrong [2/?]

Fandom: Divergent Pairing: Eric Coulter x Fem! Reader Summary: Y/N is a Dauntless transfer from Erudite, and she has a drive, an ambition that sets her apart--it always has, even back in Erudite. She brings her perseverance (and need to prove others wrong) to Dauntless when she transfers, and she uses her mind to make her way through the initiation process. Along the way, she makes friends and enemies, and she finds herself comfortable around the man most people in Dauntless avoid at all costs: Eric Coulter. A/N: it seems this may be a little bit of a slow burn, based on the pacing and where I am in chapter three right now... Enjoy!

You woke up to the sound of metal clanging together, an unpleasant alarm if you’d ever heard one. “Get up, get dressed, and be in the training room in two minutes,” Four said, banging the metal together one last time before leaving the room. 

Everyone scrambled to get dressed in their new black Dauntless clothes, and as people entered the training area, they began to form a semicircle around Four and Eric. “Ok, let’s get started,” Four said, clapping his hands together. “There are two stages of training. The first is physical, you will push your bodies to the breaking point and you will master the methods of combat. The second is mental, again breaking point. You’ll face your worst fears and conquer them--unless they get you first. You’ll be trained separately from the Dauntless-born, but you’ll be ranked together. After initiations, rankings will determine what jobs you move into: leadership, guarding the fence, or keeping the factionless from killing each other.”

“The rankings will also determine who gets cut,” Eric cut in, rising from where he sat on a concrete slab. An uneasy whisper spread throughout the initiates. No one knew about this, and you had to admit, you were getting a bit nervous yourself. “At the end of each stage of training, the lowest-ranking initiates will be leaving us,” Eric continued. 

“To do what?” asked Al.

“Well, you can’t go home to your families, so you’ll be factionless.”

Another wave of murmurs rippled through the crowd of initiates, but it was quickly silenced by Eric’s glare. “Someone should have told us,” Christina said.

“Why? Would you have chosen differently? Out of fear?” Eric replied challengingly. “I mean, if that’s the case, you might as well get out now. If you’re really one of us, it won’t matter to you that you might fail, alright? You chose us. Now, we get to choose you.” Eric looked at each initiate, his blue eyes challenging each person to look away. Some people did, others didn’t. You didn’t. 

Instead, you held his intense gaze as the itch to prove others wrong that had been inside you since the day you were born rose up, ready to be set free. What Eric said was scary, but it didn’t matter--all your years of studying the faction system told you that they would try to scare the initiates, and while you hadn’t expected this, you had known it wouldn’t be easy. But you had worked your ass off for years to be top of the class in Erudite, and you’d be damned if you weren’t going to do the same here, in your new faction. 

--

“Everyone, get some water before we move into the next segment of training,” Four called out. It took everything in you not to bend over as some others were doing; you knew standing up straight, getting fresh air in your lungs, would make the cramp in your abdomen go away faster, even if it hurt more now. 

“Tris, stand up straight,” you whispered to your friend, who was red-faced after running twenty laps around the room, which was everyone’s warm-up for the day. 

“Just so you know, tomorrow we won’t just be running laps,” Four said, surveying all the tired initiates. “So get used to this.” 

You sighed, mentally thanking yourself for joining a small workout group in Erudite. It was fairly new, and it was only created because studies showed that after some physical activity, the brain was better equipped to come back to problems it struggled with earlier and continue working whereas remaining stagnant was more likely to result in burnout and fatigue. The workouts were nothing like this, but you were still appreciative of them.

“Alright, everyone find a punching bag and start hitting. Eric and I will be walking around correcting your form, but it’s on you to put our advice into practice. Go,” Four announced after barely even a minute of the “break” had gone by. 

Turning on your heel, you walked over to the nearest punching bag and lined yourself up. Feet spread evenly about as wide as your shoulders, then step the left foot forward just a bit. Knees bent slightly, fists raised high. Then, you get to punching. 

After what felt like an hour of hearing Four quietly critiquing other students between Eric’s shouts of disappointment at other initiates, the two trainers finally got to your area of the training room. Out of the corner of your eye you caught Four walking up to Tris, slightly adjusting her position and giving helpful tips. Another set of footsteps came to a stop behind you, which meant Eric would be the one helping you. Your shoulders tensed for a moment, but you quickly forced yourself into a more relaxed position and continued punching. Just pretend he isn’t there, you told yourself. After hitting the punching bag six times, called out “Stop” from behind you. He walked over to your side and took a fighting stance. “Make sure your hips are square, like this, so when you throw a punch with the hand that is further back, you can twist your hips and use core strength to put more power into it,” he said stoically, and you did your best to mimic his stance. “No, like this,” he said, grabbing your hips and twisting them, holding you firmly in place for a second before letting go. “Try it now,” he said. You started throwing punches again, and he nodded before silently walking away. When you paused to readjust your stance, you heard Eric yell “Did I say you could stop, Y/N? No, I did not; keep going!” You took a deep breath and began the next onslaught of punches as the room fell quiet save for the sound of fists hitting punching bags, a rhythmic thumping sound. 

“First jumper!” Eric called out, disrupting the steady beat and sense of calmness in the room. “In the ring.” Beside him, Four sighed and looked down at his feet, and you had a bad feeling about whatever was about to happen. “Last jumper,” he continued, looking at a girl with dark hair--you think you may have heard her friends call her Molly, but you aren’t entirely sure. “Time to fight.”

Tris and the girl stepped up to the ring. “How long do we fight for?” the girl asked.

“Until one of you can’t continue,” Eric said in response. 

“Or one of you concedes,” Four interjected, stepping forward. 

“According to the old rules,” Eric corrected. “With the new rules, no one concedes.”

“You really want to lose someone in their first fight?”

“Well, a brave man never surrenders.” 

“Lucky for you, those weren’t the rules when we fought.”

Eric clenched his jaw, irritated, before saying “You’ll be scored on this, so fight hard.” Tris and the other girl squared up and began to circle each other, but Eric was getting impatient. “Go!” he barked. 

After nearly falling off the mat, Tris lunged, but the other girl dodged, twisted, and retaliated with a swing of her own, landing a punch to Tris’ face. As Tris retreated, the other girl pressed her advantage, catching Tris’ waist, bending her over, and punching her stomach a few times before Tris managed to break free of her hold. Just as she reached the end of the mat and turned, Tris was met with another punch to the face, sending her to the floor. The other girl--Molly--glanced at Eric since Tris was down, and he nodded, signaling Molly to send one last blow Tris’ way, knocking her out. As you watched the fight, you felt bad for your friend; she was much smaller than Molly, and part of you wanted to speak up about the cruelty that the trainers were showing, but you shoved it down. There was no need to compromise your position right now. 

“Next,” Eric yelled, pointing to a girl named Selene and a former Candor named Peter who had made fun of Tris, calling her a Stiff several times. You secretly hoped Selene would kick his ass, but it was unlikely, he was tall and strong, plus he was willing to fight dirty--he’d admitted as much in the dorm area. Guess he still couldn’t keep his mouth shut, even though he’d left Candor.

Selene was tough; what she lacked in strength she made up for in endurance, but after a few rounds of dodging Peter’s punches, he finally landed one to her solar plexus, stunning her, allowing him to sweep her legs out from underneath her and kick her as she lay on the ground. You clenched your jaw as he did so, feeling anger rise up inside of you. Selene was unable to fight, that was the stopping point of the fights, but Peter was still kicking her. And Eric, the emotionless person that he was, didn’t do anything. 

“Peter,” you said, “stop it.” Peter turned towards you and smirked.

“What are you going to do if I don’t?” he taunted. You considered for a second before turning to Eric. 

Looking up at him, you steeled yourself. “I know we don’t get to determine the fighting order, or who we fight, but I would like to fight Peter. Now,” you said, sure to keep your voice level and maintain eye contact with the leader. 

He raised an eyebrow at you curiously, and thankfully, Peter had stopped kicking Selene when you started speaking to Eric. Selene scooted to the edge of the mat, but that was as far as she could move without assistance. “You two,” Eric yelled at two initiates, “help Four get this one,” he pointed at Selene, “to the infirmary.” Then he turned back to you. “What are you waiting for, initiate? Get up there.” For a moment you were stunned, you didn’t actually think you would end up fighting Peter, and you knew that both Eric and Peter were expecting you to lose quickly. You caught Four’s eye as he carried Selene out with the help of two initiates, and you looked around to see Christina, Tris, Will, Al, Edward, Molly, and a few other initiates staring at you like you were mad. Maybe you were, but it was too late to back out now. You stood in a low, sturdy fighting stance, just like Eric had shown you. Peter did the same. For a moment, the room was dead silent as your eyes locked with his, and then both of you whipped into action. 

Peter went right for the face punch, but you quickly blocked upward and threw a low roundhouse kick at his knee, making him wobble. He recovered quickly, and he quickly used his height to his advantage, moving to grab your shoulder and slam you into the ground. You were smart though, and you let him move you slightly before turning the downwards motion into momentum that allowed you to do a somersault, twisting his arm and landing on your feet. As he was turning around to face you, you sent a snap kick right to the back of his knee, making it buckle. You moved quickly to his other side, ready to send a few punches to his face and knock him out, but he sprung forward, wrapping strong hands around your neck and squeezing. For a moment you panicked, hitting his arms, but they didn’t move. Everyone was sure that was it for you, but you had another trick up your sleeve--Peter was overly confident this would weaken you and in the process of squeezing, he had left his own body defenseless. So you kicked him in the groin. Hard. He called out and released you, and as he leaned over in an instinctual reaction to pain, you kicked his forehead with your knee, shoved him to the side, knocking him over, and kicked him again, this time in the solar plexus. You stood there, stone-faced, and when Peter didn’t make a move to fight back, you turned to Eric, who nodded, and you jumped down from the mat. 

You landed next to Will, Tris, and Christina, all of whom were staring at you in a mixture of horror and admiration. You blushed in embarrassment and looked at the ground, thinking to yourself, What the hell did I just do? You were so lost in thought that you didn’t realize the next two initiates were on the mat and fighting, and you only came back to yourself when Eric yyelled, “Hey! Are you deaf, initiate? I said go grab some ice for your neck, I don’t want to hear complaints about it tomorrow!” 

You nodded to your friends and said “I’ll be back in a minute,” shocked at how hoarse your voice was. “Just going to… yeah,” you trailed off before walking quickly towards the infirmary. 

A/N: can you tell I love writing fight scenes? also I do martial arts and have played sports my whole life, so I love when I get to use my knowledge of anatomy and physiology two write action scenes :)

Tag List: @shykoolaid

[unioncolours]

A 2nd Majsasaurus Year!

Today, 22nd of September 2021, it’s been two years since I officially joined the magical world of fandom. 22.9.2019 I uploaded the first chapter to my fic Shadows and Sand, and the rest is history.

I did a deep dive into my first year as a fic writer and active member of fandom last year, when it was my first anniversary. You can read it here!

In that meta discussion about my membership of fandom, I presented it as if walking on clouds. I was so, so happy and talked during all the discussion about my happiness in fandom.

Since that post was written, my life and also my perception of the fandom I am part of has changed. Change isn’t always bad, as I really had a honeymoon phase with fandom over a year ago, and the low after hit hard.

But let’s see what I’ve been up to and what I’ve been writing! The following year provided much change and fun things! Please keep reading 💜⬇

The first fic I wrote since 22.9.2020 was a Sakura x Ino fic. I had for a longer while been interested in writing a woman-loves-woman ship, which I had never done before, and as a wlw-person myself the urge to explore that part led to Promise me this is just a kiss. The pairing itself was chosen on rather random, it had to be two women and I like Ino, so I chose the most popular Ino-wlw ship for this for convenience.

I really liked writing the fic and it was well-received! It was the first time I had written a fic that was entirely centred around exploring feelings and having sex.

After this I jumped directly onto the next idea that had been boiling inside me for a longer while. Up to this point, all I had written, except the wlw-fic, had been set in the Naruto canonverse and I was itching to try to work with a multi-chaptered modern au! The pairing was of course my beloved Shikadai x Inojin.

It was during the creation of this fic I began to struggle. This was a new genre, as this was romance only and all my other works had been action and fantasy based, except the sex fic of course. I was maybe over critical and stressed, which resulted in me having a hard time writing it. But I made it. Was the sky always this beautiful? ended up being 35k long, and in hindsight, I freaking love, love, love how it turned out in the end and what it represented. I am very proud of this fic.

I “upgraded” as a fan by the end of October when I bought myself a digital drawing tablet. I began drawing fanart of Shikadai and Inojin and preferably them two together, haha! I still draw a few days a month and find it extremely fun as a side hobby beside the writing.

We are now in November 2020. By this time, I had completely finished my zine fic, Under the Scorching Sun, which I had written during September and October, for the Shikatema zine I was kindly accepted to. I was proud of what I had created and was eager for the rest of the contributors to wrap up theirs, so we’d have a wonderful zine for sale in 2021. It was lovely to write ShikaTema again. As the zine fic was about to be released in months from when I had at first finished it, I wanted of course to write something fans and friends could immediately take part of on the internet. I had hyped myself up to a state where I wanted to write a third and final story in my series To love and never let go, my epic series about Shikadai and Inojin.

Now, I should maybe have waited another month, but I was worried the readers would give up on me if I didn’t write it right away. In December, I began writing To find hope in the Universe, with my usual speed and love for the art.

What I by then didn’t realise or even recognise was that I was very slowly turning burned out. I ignored all the signs.

In December I wrote simultaneously as Hope in the Universe a fic that was part of the Shikatema server’s Secret Santa event. The fic’s name was The Ghost Stories of our Hearts, and it was ShikaTema, as the event’s name suggests. It was fun to write and despite the final big fic, Hope in the Universe, pressing down on me, I finished The Ghost Stories of our Hearts and was very happy with the result. Sadly, at this point the burnout began taking control over me, and I never managed to reply to the comments.

The 15th of January, I began uploading To find hope in the Universe. It was a lovely experience, even if it was tainted by negative feelings coming from my decreasing happiness and the fact that it didn’t do as well as To dance above the Stars, the second fic in the series. To deal with two very contradiction emotions, loving my work, the characters, how I have painted an entire world around the characters and how I knew some people honestly loved my hard work, and then the negative feelings coming from not feeling good enough and depressed, was a difficult thing to navigate and still is when I think back to that time. It didn’t help that during the process of uploading the fic I went through grief, and I chose distraction as my coping method. I kept writing and working, the only thing I ever knew.

Our pre-order of the Shikatema zine was in full motion by this time and it was a nerve-wracking time! Mostly because of excitement but also worry. I’m super happy for my friends who were part of the zine, with whom I could share all the excitement and nervousness with. The zine ended up making good sales, which made me happy among the uploading of the long fic.

To find hope in the Universe was completed 31st of March 2021. When I uploaded the final chapter, I felt nothing. It was so weird, so spooky, to have finished a long fic and a series on top of that and not feel anything. But deep down, beneath the layer of depression, I felt great pride.

That was the emotion that broke free once the burnout left me. Pride.

I had created this empire of Shikajin, a whole alternative timeline, an alternative canon from my own head and to this day, that is my internet legacy. I love Trial of the Heart, which I wrote in 2020, but if I have to choose between ToH and this series, I will choose To love and never let go in a heartbeat.

So, even if it felt depressing and hopeless in the moment, I look now back with pride and happiness. Never forget that. Never forget that I made that.

April was a curious time. I swore to not write anything, because I had by now recognised that I was burned out and needed to rest, yet managed to scrape together three smaller fics.

The first one was another wlw-smut fic, TemaSaku this time called Another Light. I wanted to explore that part once again. I wrote it in canonverse and honestly think the fic ended up extremely nice. Perfect amount of feels and sex. It didn’t feel hard to write at all, because the setting, characters and emotions were so different from the fics I had written the last five months.

Now more interesting things lay on the horizon! A new zine, the Ino-Shika-Cho zine called Beyond a Bond had an interest check during the spring, and later the contributor application. I urged in the interest check to please give us the next gen kids, Shikadai, Inojin and Chocho – my kids and babies, and when it turned out they were going to feature, I had to apply as a writer. For this application I wrote a one shot, called It’s just hair, and I loved this spunky little story featuring the best babies that I created.

I also edited one of my tumblr fics, And then I kissed him, into a longer, better version that I later in May uploaded onto AO3. It was once again a Shikajin, a sequel of Trial of the Heart, and it was a fun little project.

Now May came and I sent in the application for the zine early, which I now am relieved I did. I am happy that I did the work for the application in April instead of May, because in May I had a few breakdowns and another grieving period, which lead to complete creative paralysis. I didn’t write a single word during May, only uploaded the two one shots I had prepared in April.

What I did do in May was to read through the Shikatema zine I had contributed to! It arrived in the mail! I was so nervous; my whole body was shaking when I opened the package right outside the post office. The zine now resides on the parade place in my little zine shrine in the bookshelf. Thank you to the mods who made this a reality!

To my great happiness my zine adventures continued as I was accepted to the Ino-Shika-Cho zine as a writer and was assigned to write my favourite characters. I felt so relieved and overjoyed, mind blown by the sheer talent among the contributors.

On the other fandom front, June didn’t continue any brighter, with stress and mental pain still having a strong grip around me, despite the very happy news that I am still so grateful for. I wrote a Yamanaka family fic which to this day hasn’t seen the light of AO3, because of negative emotions surrounding it. I turned into a complete wreck compared to me in June 2020. In June 2020 I was flourishing, I loved what I did, I loved fandom and I loved the friends I had made through Discord servers. Now I could find myself crying my eyes out over a wip not going the way I wished it would. What had happened to Bex 2021?

I was so incredibly frustrated with myself, groaning in defeat when my hands just couldn’t write. I managed to push through 6k of what I called my “emo au” – more of that later – and finish the Yamanaka fic which is still buried, and on top of that I had the zine and another fandom event, The Naruto Photo Album, to create content for. Why couldn’t I do it? Why couldn’t I find happiness in something that once was my reason for happiness?

In the end, I managed to write 15k in June. My former monthly word count used to be 30k. One could think this would turn into the end of my fic writing career, or the beginning of a longer hiatus, but I am stubborn and want to meet the expectations of the people who love my content, so I didn’t want to give up. I wanted to try. I wanted to be whoever I was before.

Funnily enough, the healing came in the shape of the most self-indulgent fic I have ever, ever written, a fic I like possessed began writing July the 1st 2021. It was nothing less than a freaking fairy tale AU, namely a Shikadai x Inojin Peter Pan AU. I can hear you laugh at the silliness of it, but this whimsical AU gave me back my love for writing. I hyper-fixated on this story quite a bit and stopped writing on everything else, something I almost never do.

Only happy boys fly ended up being 21 000 words long! I knew it was a niched story, and true to my guesses, the story has to this day very low stats. Today, two months after it was published, it has just above 100 hits and 10 kudos, so for all I know, only ten people read and liked it. I try to not care too much, since I love the story and in some way, that story saved me from going batshit insane over my emotions about writing.

At this point I had begun writing my fic from the Ino-Shika-Cho zine, finding joy in silly scenes with my favourite characters and trying to heal. The writing process was frustratingly slow, but one word at a time I got forward and as of today, the draft is done. The pre-orders are in December. At the side of the zine fic I wrote a short fluffy Shikajin story, CLEAR, a story with almost no plot, because I knew how much self-indulgence could help me.

And then, I finally began writing for real on my emo au, A gang of fallen stars, which has the first few chapters up right now! I have for the first time in six months a longer fic (if we don’t count the Peter Pan story) and it feels… good. This fic is once again a modern au, but in darker tones than my other modern au from November 2020. I honestly like what I have so far, even if I during June and July almost planned to never finish it. I am so relieved I managed to begin the upload. In September the Photo Album was released and I could show my two fics I wrote for it.

It sounds like this year has been nothing but misery, and at times it felt like it. However, there are a few fandom friends who brought light to my life when I couldn’t see it. The first ones to mention are of course my partners in crime, @notquitejiraiya and @thespookymoth. Together we created a server dedicated to Ino-Shika-Cho during the spring and it has been tons of fun with the members there! Thank you two for listening to me and for being my friends during 2021.

I also have to mention Soverel, who carefully begun taking contact through comments and likes on my twitter, and later through direct messages, and it has been a fun ride ever since. We’ve had lovely discussions which are very dear to me and your support means a lot to me. Thank you for being you and for drawing so many wonderful artworks you’ve shared with me. Haha, and for making me play Genshin Impact, even though I do it like twice a month!

Another person who has made my days so much brighter is @sugarriene. Thank you for sending me that one dm that made us chat regularly, thank you for popping up and sharing panels and your wonderful drawings with me, and for vibing head canons with me. You are a lovely person, and you make me happy.

Finally, I want to give a shout out to @yoboseyokyu for listening to me when I had to yell into the void and for making me happy with your cute posts on both twitter and tumblr.

Since September 2020, I’ve written around 195 000 words and drawn close to 35 illustrations, most of them of Shikadai and Inojin. Almost 200 000 words of Majsasaurus. I’ve created a Discord server and I’ve been part of two zines as a writer, plus a free PDF-project.

It has been a wild year. A year filled with passion for my favourite characters and ship, with the excitement that came with being part of projects and hyping them. It was a year where I learned to draw digitally, and heck what fun it was.

This also a year where I learned people can be mean to me because of what I ship and that fandom friends won’t necessarily always stay to be your friend anymore and how much it can hurt. I also learned what my limits are, and what punishment I get if I don’t listen to my own mind and rest when I have to.

It was a year, guys.

Now, onto the third Majsasaurus Year. Cheers!

And those of you, who supported me when I needed it – thank you and I love you.

[tooft]

It isn't surprising that death hides itself behind the countless names we have created for it. Few like to think about their supposed end, and so those that have died will be spoken of in hushed tones, described as having passed on, or more commonly, that they are resting, at peace as they sleep beneath the earth. Eternal rest from the calamity and chaos that is living, with many choosing to think that it is a welcome respite from the world that is constantly changing and shifting. In a way, they're not fully incorrect, but their reasoning for why the dead rest so soundly is not quite right either.

See, what people don't know (or the living ones at least), is that death is utterly and exasperatingly exhausting.

To be dead is to be tired, adrift in a haze as you struggle to keep your spirit, soul, whatever it is, from fading too much. Without the energy that comes with having a physical vessel, the dead are perpetually on the edge of burnout, with newly deceased barely able to handle a few hours at a time. It does get easier as one adjusts to the afterlife, able to stay up for weeks or even months, but the desire to just drift off into blissful unconsciousness never eases up. It just is a matter of building up one's ability to resist it.

Most can't be bothered, and I can't say I blame them. Unless someone was murdered, or has some other form of dramatic, unfinished business there's little reason to stay aware of the passage of time at all. The mortal world has little impact on that of the dead, and most are content to just catch up on any important events that happened during their rest the next time they're able to shake off sleep.

I suppose that the dead being buried in cemeteries both helps and hinders the eternal rest that so many choose to turn to. A comfortable place to sleep is hard to pass up, especially when it's conveniently arranged so that there's little interaction with the more rowdy aspects of living society. Definitely makes it harder to motivate themselves to get up, but then when they've been dead long enough to see the world they lived in disappear into modern day society then there's little reason to hang around. So, they rest, deep within the earth where few can bother them. And the few that do... well that's why I'm around.

Now, given what I've just told you, it might sound like a contradiction when I say that I am the barrier between the living and the dead. Surely a job like that is difficult to accomplish when one spends their days struggling to resist a rather comfortable nap in the dirt. Still, it's true. Anyone trying to start trouble in my cemetery will have to go through me first, and I've yet to find the desire to sleep stronger than my desire to protect those under my care.

There is a reason I'm awake, beyond my overprotectiveness of my charges of course, and that is that this cemetery also happens to be where I died. It was rather dramatic, an ill-planned tryst with a lover that got a bit too stabby near the end. Guess I should have known that any relationship involving a person who wants to meet in a cemetery in the dead of night was not going to end well. I did get over it eventually, once the first few decades had past and I was able to think beyond my anger and exhaustion. Even then I didn't need to sleep as often as those who had been dead far longer than I, though I didn't understand why until one of the older spirits awoke for long enough to explain it to me.

Your site of death has power, one stronger than almost any other force I've come across. It's a gateway between you and the life you once had, a literal crossroad that you passed over to reach the inevitable end. Even if you're body no longer inhabits it, your death site holds the memory of who you once were, and with that comes a well of power and energy that fuels those still close enough to access it. So, unlike everyone else here, I am able to stay up for years before I need to rest, and even then it's only for a few hours.

So, given that I had ample time to do things, and my only friends were asleep 90% of the time, I decided that I would need to find my own ways to entertain myself. You would not believe how many games of solitaire I have played here. I like to think that all that time was useful, but I still somehow suck at that game. I find my other job a lot more productive, even if it doesn't happen all that often.

See, I work to scare the shit out of the living.

Not all of them of course, not even most of those that come to visit. Many are just here to see those long gone from their lives, to reminisce and honor the dead who sleep below them. Bothering them would be a waste of time, not to mention rude, and if I tried scaring off every single person who came through those gates I would not have enough energy to even speak with you now. No, my targets are those that come with hopes of bothering the dead, though they might not know that's what they're doing at the time.

The living tend to have respect for the dead, but not everyone does. Mainly kids, teenagers who are bored and angry with the world, or just those that think the remote nature of a cemetery means that no one will be bothered by something that their doing. They arrive and cause whatever ruckus they're seeking out, and oftentimes waking up a lot of people who have more than earned a peaceful rest.

Some are easier to deal with than others. I like the ones that come with their boards and pendants, rituals to speak to those that can barely keep their eyes open. They're easy to mess with, you just need to knock over a couple of things and poke the planchette around enough to get the threat of retribution across. Maybe throw in a few whispered words and far off cackles to be caught by the wind that just so happens to creep into their heads. They tend to leave in a hurry, to which I say good riddance. They're better off trying to talk to some pissed off spirit or poltergeist in a house somewhere, those that want to talk and oftentimes rarely stop doing so once you get them started.

Others are... interesting to say the least. While annoying, at least most of those trying to communicate with us are respectful about it. Those who just come to a cemetery to raise hell or to have a seemingly empty location to perform acts away from living eyes are quite different in that regard. If they do acknowledge us, it's in passing, and more than often with laughter as they taunt the scary ghosts that apparently "haunt" this location. It's all rather rude if you ask me, especially since if anyone's haunting somewhere they're not meant to be it's them. I'm a bit less creative when it comes to bothering these types of folk, I prefer to just make my presence impossible to ignore. You know those times when it feels like the air itself is pressing down on you, to the point where it's hard to breathe? While often that's just anxiety, it could also be that you managed to piss off some spirit or another, and that just happens to be the best way for them to tell you to leave.

It doesn't always work, of course. The living can be remarkably dense to the desires of the dead, even when they claim to know what we would have wanted were we still alive. They just ignore whatever signals I'm sending them, going about their business as if a cemetery isn't a place of peace. That's when I have to get a bit more aggressive.

It's a lot of work showing ourselves to the living. Even if you died in the place you're occupying in death, it can take a lot out of you to physically manifest yourself in such a way that the living can see you at all. I try to stick to more simpler methods, pushing or throwing objects or even telling them to leave. But some just don't want to listen, even when I know they're scared, they act as though they have a right to be there. So, physical manifestation becomes a lot more appealing.

Even those who take pride in their bravery find it more than a bit unsettling when a young woman dripping with blood rushes them from the shadows of the trees, screaming bloody murder. If they don't take off immediately, cackling maniacally as I wield the knife my lover left me tends to do the trick. I've yet to meet anyone whose stuck around after that, though it does tend to result in the police having to make sure that there isn't an actual murderer roaming the gravestones. I don't mind though, especially since it seems the police are getting used to such reports and don't stay long. Plus I'm usually asleep long before they arrive, since such matters are rather tiring.

It's a job I enjoy, and a job that's necessary for those who live (or "live") here. With that said, it is a lonely occupation. Any friends I've made are more often than not using their eternity to dream, which I don't mind, but it does make it harder to drift alone day after day. I've learned everything there is to know about this place, every tree and every stone. I love it more than anything, but the monotony does take its toll.

You, however, are certainly a break from the usual.

Don't get me wrong, I would have much preferred if we weren't having this conversation at all, given that doing so confirms the awful truth of the matter. But it's not like there's anything we can do to change it now. I do apologize for not intervening, but I had thought the two of you were just another pair that had come to pay their respects. By the time I saw the gun, there was little I could do to help you. 

If it helps at all, they should find your body fairly quickly once someone does arrive. Hard to miss the bloodstains when they are such a contrast to the snowy winter landscape. What are the odds that another person would be murdered here? I appreciate you letting me blather on like this, it's so rare I get to talk to someone new. Usually anyone arriving here is asleep for a good few years, and even then we haven't had anyone new since the last plot was filled ten years ago. But then, I shouldn't keep you awake any longer. 

I'm honestly impressed that you're still conscious, not many people tend to be at this point. I hope I've answered any of the urgent questions you might have. The rest can wait until after you've slept. There's a few places I'd highly recommend for napping, I'll take you to my favorite now! It's just over the hill there, can you walk? Wonderful, right this way. 

I'm sure everyone will be happy to meet you, whenever that ends up happening. Not like we don't have time for that in any case. I do hope you like it here, moving resting spots can be a bit of a nightmare. Lots of energy needed, though I guess you could just follow your body if you truly wanted. I'll keep an eye out for anyone nearby who might be able to help. Whatever happens next, I'm sure it will be interesting if nothing else.

Sleep well, for you are among friends, my dear.

Goodnight.

[degeneratekitten]

When there’s no Hope

I ended up pushing myself too far for some of the stories, the result was a massive burnout that I’m still not completely recovered from, I think this was actually the last story I made that pushed me over the edge. I only just got around to editing it. Anyways enjoy.

!!!WARNING!!! READ TAGS BEFORE READING. BITTY TORTURE. DONT LIKE DON’T READ

Some cases are simply too dire to help, this was one of them.

You seldom got cases as bad as this, cases where training simply was not an option and the owner was simply too blind to see it. The woman in front of you was describing such a case, tears in her eyes as she described what had to be the most dangerous bitty you’d ever heard of.

The bitty in question had grown to the size of a bear, just feeding him alone was breaking her bank, he still had the childish, dumb demeanor of a pure bite. Furthermore his breed specific problems made you flinch a little, you were well aware of how dangerous they could be, whether from being unmuzzled to only having regard for their own needs you knew full well that a bear sized toddler with knives for teeth was not good. Furthermore, despite leaving out what must have happened to her, you could tell exactly what had happened to the woman coming to you for help.

Her descriptions of this pure bite only cemented in your mind that she had become so blind to what was really happening that she forgot about everything but her tormentors' feelings. You ended up having to stop her halfway through her pleading to firmly lay down a hard truth for her to hear.

“I can’t help you, and frankly I’m afraid I can’t let you go home to this bitty either.” You stated, watching as the woman in front of you stood shocked and teary eyed at you.

“Nonononono! You misunderstood me! He’s really a sweet boy he just gets muddle headed during heats!” She replied, staring at you desperately as you shook your head.

“Ma’am no. There is only one thing that can be done about this bitty.” You stated, fixing her with a look. “Firstly, he was never meant to be a pet, and due to his size he’s long past the point where he’s allowed out for the exercise he needs. Frankly he has two options, a zoo, or death.” You stated, watching as the woman stared at you in shock. “But based entirely on the stories you’ve told me of his treatment of you and the bitties around him, I know for fact that no zoo would take him.” You stated, before sighing one last time.

“I also cannot in good conscience let you go home and wait to be murdered by this bitty either.” You stated, and watched as the woman’s face twisted in anger.

“You can’t do this! I came for help and you’re talking about MURDERING my baby! He would never hurt-” You stopped her before she could finish her sentence.

“But he already has.” You replied, pointing to the bruises littering her form. Her arm was even in a cast, and she got silent. You could tell that the bitty in question had done something unspeakable to this woman. He likely couldn't take no for an answer given his intellect and she couldnt force him away due to his size.

“Now, in consideration for your feelings for your bitty, I’m only offering you this so he won’t suffer.” You stated, as you stood up, and walked over to her, you had been in a fortunate enough position growing up to be one of the lucky few with a more developed magical sense. It had always been an option for you to become a dedicated mage due to it, even now you were still getting offers of magical colleges to further develop it. You never had any interest though, you always preferred the sciences over magic. You supposed though, that now was as good a time as any to use a little of your magic to get your point across. Summoning a green light you walked over and brushed the woman’s cheek with your hand. The bags under her eyes disappeared and she stared at you with wonder, looking at your hand as she felt the magic wash over her.

“I could call the humane society, they would most likely come and subdue him without the use of magic, which would be a violent and huge affair. Or…” You held up your glowing hand.

“I could come in and make the situation as painless as possible.” You stated.

She looked at you with so much uncertainty in her eyes that you sat back down.

“The choice is yours, I know it’s hard, and you probably already resent me. But someone is going to die. Whether it’s you or the pure bite is entirely up to you.”

----

The woman was so distraught by your ultimatum, screaming profanities at you about being heartless, inhumane, a murderer, but you simply pulled out your phone and looked up the number for the humane society, making sure she could see you do so. She ended up collapsing onto your sofa, crying something intelligible, before agreeing. She looked guilty, so guilty, about being raped by a bitty, about supposedly breaking some sort of promise to the bitty, about her assumption that this bitty wasn't dangerous despite the fact that she’d already been hurt so deeply by him.

You ended up talking more, with you urging her to seek help from a mental health professional to help with her grief, she still tried to beg you to reconsider, but you wouldn't budge, making sure she understood very clearly that she would die if she continued to defend the bitty.

Surprisingly it was easier than you thought it would be to convince her to put down the bitty, you weren't entirely too thrilled about it having to be you who she wanted to put the creature down, but nonetheless it was more likely to end painlessly.

Despite your offer to subdue the pure bite, it was still something that was incredibly difficult for you. You had to pull out some of the old magic books that your grandfather gave you and your siblings when you were younger. Your siblings had all gone down the path of dedicated mages, while you decided you loved horses more than magic. You had long forgotten some of the spells you learned when younger, and had to look up a spell to subdue a large violent creature. Eventually you found it, but still had to write it down on your hand even as you left for the woman’s house.

---

Seeing the bitty was an entirely other matter though, and you had to suck in a deep breath as you stared at the bear sized bitty in front of you. You struggled to comprehend just how it could have grown to this size. You’d heard of certain breeds of bitties who grew as they aged, but you had no idea how old one of those bitties would have to be in order to get as large as this pure bite.

The owner wasn't glaring at you anymore, she seemed to be cowering as she stared at the bitty. You could tell just by looking that he was in the middle of a heat, he was pumping at his large cock as he stared at his owner.

“Mom.” It grumbled out, and it seemed to lumber towards its owner, he reached out a hand and really you werent in the mood to see a giant bear bitty rape anyone, so you didnt waste any time.

You took one look at your hand before shouting out a spell, drawing a shape in the air with your finger as you said it.

You were out of practice, and a small puff of purple escaped your hand.

Growling to yourself, you stared at the giant bitty as his owner pulled away from him. He bared his giant sharp teeth and let out a frustrated noise.

“Mommy! Make me feel better!” He growled out, reaching for her again, this time his large boney hand caught hold of her, and she shrieked a little.

“BABY NO!” She yelled, staring at you with a pleading look. You grimaced again, and collecting yourself you tried again.

You ended up succeeding in your second try, and a large purple symbol slammed into the large bitty. He ended up stumbling a bit, but shockingly enough he ended up shaking it off.

Your eyes ended up widening at this development, and you backed away in fear at the sight of the bitty. He looked angry, angry and still pumping his giant cock furiously as he glared at you.

“Go way! I want mommy not you!” He shouted and let go of his owner to lumber towards you.

Panicking you casted the spell again, and another purple symbol crashed into the bitty, this time causing him to howl in utter rage. He practically started sprinting towards you. You only barely managed to run past his lumbering form as he smashed into the door of his owners house.

“Nooooo! Baby please be good! She’s here to help!” The woman cried, bitter fearful tears running down her cheeks as she shook in place. You ended up casting the spell again frantically. Watching it slam into the bitty only to slow him down.

You realized exactly what was happening after that, and in response, before the bitty could turn you casted again. You could see the giant pure bite was wobbling, and could no longer run, so you casted again, and again, and again. Until finally, the giant lumbering threat fell, face first onto the ground, practically drooling.

“Cnt mvvv.” He tried to say, and you ended up sighing in relief. Your heart was pounding, and there was a hole in the door you came through.

The woman was still shaking, seemingly petrified by the giant bitty on the ground. She didn't even approach, just stared at him helplessly. You gave her a once over before you decided that it was better to get this all over with quickly.

The fact that casting the spell once had not been sufficient was a glaring reminder of just how out of practice you were with this. You weren't a dedicated mage, and while you were sure your siblings could have done this in one try you were different. Still this next part was something that you had done countless times at a young age. It was one of the basic elements of becoming a mage.

Making your way over, you planted your feet firmly on each side of his body. You hadn't done something like this in a long time, but really it was relatively painless despite how it sounded.

Lifting the shirt of the pure bite you reached into the very center of his magic, placing your hands firmly around the massive pulsating AI that rested in his chest. Then, careful so as not to completely damage the flow of your own magic, you started to absorb the magic resting within him.

The pure bite grunted at first, before he started to yawn. He stopped being able to move as the magic drained from him, and got progressively more tired as the process went on. You struggled a little to circulate the magic in a way that allowed your body to make the magic your own, and frequently had to stop for long moments to give yourself time. Really all the practice with places of power when you were younger made this process incredibly familiar, and eventually you fell back into the groove of how it was supposed to be done.

The pure bite eventually fell into a deep sleep, and shortly after parts of him began to dissolve gently into dust, floating away as you worked. You felt your own center of magic expanding, a little uncomfortably at first, the years that you hadn't done this coming to catch up with you, but eventually you had flexed your magical muscle enough that the expansion started to feel natural, pleasant even, like breaking through into a new level of power.

It wasn't long before you got comfortable enough with the flow of magic to where you could finally end the process. You practically glowed as you completely sucked up the remaining magic in the pure bites reserves, and closed your eyes to go into a deep meditation, as the body of the pure bite basically dissolved into dust. There was no screaming, no pleading, just a deep sleep that ended painlessly. You sat for a long time circulating the flow of magic, before you could finally open your eyes to see the woman in front of you staring almost confused at the dust on the ground.

“He just fell asleep... “ She stated, and she looked dazed as she said this, not distressed, not sad, just in disbelief. Honestly it looked like a weight had been lifted from her shoulders.

Nodding at her, you smiled gently. “He just fell asleep..” You stated, which seemed to cause a dam to break in the façade of the woman. She didn't answer you, just placed her head into her hands as she cried. Whether it was from relief or grief you had no idea.

[rockinthebeastmode]

Hey! I was wondering if you were going to continue writing?! I absolutely love your stories and the way you write! I really hope you continue DLS, Night Shift, and Bad Company, some of my favs of yours! Have a good one :)

Absolutely! Tbh I havent been these past couple months but I definitely plan to try and write while I’m off work next week—taking some much needed vacation time to sort out my mental health and burnout 😝😅

I can’t give any previews of NS or BC bc of big spoilers 😬 and I dont have enough written of the next DLS to share but I can say the next couple are inspired by songs Business-CATB and Bloodsport-Raleigh Ritchie to give an idea!

Buuut theres a multichapter I was working on before this pandemic bullshit got worse, requested by @yes-please101 and a sneak peek-as well as tags- are under the cut! Thanks so much for reaching out! I appreciate it 😁

[[MORE]]

Finn hated making girls cry.

Not that he made a habit of it—he reckoned he could count on one hand the number of times he did within his twenty-some years, most being from middle and high school romances gone wrong. After starting uni and growing up a bit, he had a clean slate...until now.

“Look,” he started delicately, the girl swiping at her eyes as she moved away from him and off the bed, “I'm really sorry—”

“Don't bother,” she snapped before retrieving her clothes from the floor. His hand ran over his face and he sat up slightly, resting on his elbows.

“It's not you,” he said sheepishly and she nodded sarcastically, the bundle of clothes held against her bare chest.

“Thanks for the reassurance,” she snarked and he watched as she shook her head and turned to the door.

“See ya laters, yeah?” he offered, grimacing as her middle finger raised toward him and she strode past Archie with his hand raised to knock in the doorway. He looked down at Finn, shirtless and spread eagled on the bed with his jeans still undone.

”Didn't go well?”

His head raised just enough to stare at Archie coldly.

“I havent gotten off in two fucking years, mate.”

“Has it really been that long?” Archie said, slightly dumbfound. His head tilted curiously, “Maybe youre gay…”

Finn stifled a laugh and rolled off the bed to a stand. He smirked at Archie and stepped in front of him.

“If I was, I wouldn't be having this little problem, eh?” Finn patted his cheek, moving to pinch it as Archie scoffed and pushed him away, suppressing a smile.

Izzy appeared behind him with a flash of red hair, one of her million watt smiles at the ready.

“House meeting, in the kitchen,” she trilled, nearly jumping up and down as she urged them to follow her.

“For what?” Finn griped, bending for his shirt. He'd barely tugged it on and stood before she was dragging them down the hall excitedly.

When they entered, Finn sat down at Izzy's push but got up and turned the kettle on. Archie dropped to the table beside Chloe and smiled, wiggling his brows at her as Chop clapped for their attention.

“We have an announcement,” He paused for suspense, Finn rolling his eyes as he took mugs from the cupboard.

“We're moving out!” the two crowed simultaneously but to their chagrin, the three barely reacted.

Archie nodded with a murmured, ‘sweet’ while Chloe beamed encouragingly before inspecting her nails. Their exuberance faded as Finn focused on setting the table, his response little more than a grunt. Izzy seemed to sink before putting her hands on her hips.

“You lot don't even care!”

Finn snorted, Archie giving her an exasperated look.

“Well, Iz, it's not really a surprise. You two all loved up—”

“For months,” Finn emphatically chimed in from his bent position in front of the fridge.

“It's disgusting,” Archie finished, shaking his head, “Y’need your own space.” He shrugged and continued, only half joking, “When can I rent the room out?”

“The house will be ready later this week,” Chop grumbled as he dropped to a chair, his lips pursed.

“We’re mostly packed,” Izzy assured prickly, her arms crossing.

At that Archie stood and forced her into a tight hug, his arms winding around her neck and not long after, the others joined in, forming a laughing mess of tangled limbs.

***

“Oh, fucks sake…”

Rae ripped the bright pink eviction notice from the door, crumpling and shoving it in her bag. she struggled to unlock it, cursing as she finally entered the flat. She slammed the door behind her and leant against it, closing her eyes with a deep sigh. Rubbing at her temples, she shuffled to the kitchen and threw her bag onto the counter before taking her mail from it and thumbing through it quickly.

We regret to inform you your application has been denied—

“Blah blah blah,” she mumbled, tossing it aside.

Your account is past due, to avoid service interruption, please pay—

“Jesus,” she moaned lowly and pinched the bridge of her nose. She noticed the new message light blinking on her landline and pressed play, leaning over the counter with her hands clasped behind her head.

“Hey, it's me...I got the last of my shit out, left the keys on the counter… Liam trailed off and Rae looked up, frowning as she stared at the phone, “Y'know 'm sorry,” he apologized weakly before chuckling, “Maybe we’re too fucked up together.” Silence fell again and she could vaguely hear a voice in the background saying his name. “Right, talk laters then.”

The line clicked and Rae irritably wiped a tear away.

If you would like to save this message—

She bit her lip and quickly pressed ‘delete’ before going to the fridge for a much-needed beer.

She was surprised he’d called at all, given his penchant for avoiding conflict but he always loved having the last word. To be honest, she had planned on breaking it off soon anyway. She started looking at rentals and applying to jobs in hopes of moving out but he’d beat her to it.

If she’d known fucking a coworker would result in that, she would’ve done it months ago. With just her part time position at Town Records, finances were completely wrecked now. She drained half the beer in one pull, closing her eyes tight against frustrated tears.

The phone rang and her eyes opened, glaring as it continued. She considered ignoring it and going straight to bed but picked it up subconsciously.

“Hello,” she answered hesitantly, ready to yell if it was Liam's voice.

tagging these lovelies @eveerez @i-dream-of-emus @lilaviolet @laurielau @hey1tskat1e @tinakegg @kneekeyta @likeashootingstarfades @girl-looking-out-window @stinemarine @lurkernolonger @crystalgiddings1993 @milllott @milymargot @vivammfd @finn-nelson-for-the-win @ifinallyknow @isthistherightwayround @believethaticanandiwill @paisleystuff @arathewallflower @whatthefuckisthisfuckingfuckery

Let me know if you want to be added/removed from the tag list and if I missed anyone :)

[thisisallthehattersfault]

“You want to let her go, because if I have to make you, I’m going to cut both of your hands off.”

Theme: Roots -- In This Moment

Hadie, daughter of Hades, Hercules

The weight of expectation that comes from being the Heiress of the Underworld is heavy enough to crush a lesser woman, but luckily, Hadie is not a lesser woman. She’s everything a goddess should be -- composed, capable, powerful, graceful, wise... at least, she tries to be. In truth, Hadie has a deep fear that she’ll never live up to those steep expectations. Being born under the barrier has robed her of her birthright, leaving her just as fragile and mortal as anyone else, and she struggles with a nagging paranoia that even if she escaped the isle, she’d never be able to take her place among the gods. As a result, Hadie is constantly nit-picking and criticizing herself, always pushing herself to be better in all aspects. She tends to ignore her own boundaries and overlook her body’s limits, which leads to burnout and exhaustion, which only frustrates her and causes her to push herself even harder. Her constant pursuit of godlike perfection is more likely to cause her to work her body until it falls apart, but good luck telling her that. While a mind reader would find her head an unhappy place, most people would be shocked to learn she isn’t always as confident as she seems on the outside. Hadie keeps herself as carefully composed as possible, giving off the impression that she’s perfectly in control of herself at all times. Because of this exhausting charade, she has a very short temper when it comes to being insulted or disrespected, and she lashes out violently when she feels she’s being short-changed. In spite of her fears, or maybe because of them, she’s uncompromising in her demand to be treated as a goddess.  While the mask she wears might make it difficult for other people to truly get to know her, it hasn’t stopped her from getting very close and very attached to the other members of the Unseelie. Her drive to better herself extends to the world around her, and coupled with her deep empathy has led to a passionate, almost fanatical desire to see the other Isle kids grow strong enough to fight back against their parents and, eventually, Auradon. The only way she knows how to do this is through the same grueling process of destruction and rebuilding to which she subjects herself, which leads to her pushing those around her to impossible lengths. Though her love and compassion are genuine, Hadie has been known to trample on the wants and feelings of her friends, convinced she knows what’s best for them, even if they disagree. There is another insecurity Hadie does her best to bury, though this one has less to do with being a Goddess and more to do with being a woman. While few kids on the isle remember a time when Hades had a son, many of the adults on the isle make no mystery of how they feel about people who disagree with their assigned gender, and Hadie’s insecurities about who she is feed into each other and leave her feeling uncertain in her own skin. She’d thought transitioning was supposed to fix that problem, and the fact that it hasn’t only further feeds her self-image issues. Because of Hadie’s high expectations of herself, and the desperate lengths she goes to to hide her uncertainties, she’s made herself into a sort of protector and guardian of the younger isle kids -- not just the ones immediately connected to her gang, but all of the children too young or weak to defend themselves. This only puts more weight and more pressure on her, as there are a lot of violent adults on the isle who prey on children, and there are a lot of children who need to be protected. This extra weight only serves to even further crush her under her own expectations, but she argues it’s worth it when she sees children run to her fearlessly and hide behind her skirt, confident that she’ll protect them.

[creativeskullcreations]

HTaHHQ Episode 1: First Meetings(part 3)

In all seriousness, I'm really sorry it took so long to update anything. I had a sudden loss of motivation to do anything productive. I think it was caused by stress and burnout. So I'm gonna try and work on schedule, and hopefully that will help a bit.

Basically, one fic will be updated every Monday! Which fic will it be and Monday? Idk, it's a surprise! But actually it'll be Outside next week, and hopefully for at least a few weeks after that. And then I've got video uploads on Fridays and live-streams on... Idk yet. Just whenever for now I guess.

"What do you mean she's missing?!" Came a shout as Mary stormed out of her office. "How long has it been since anyone's seen her?!" "Mrs. Stein, please!" Johnny, the poor assistant that had been sent to tell the head writer about what happened struggled to keep up. He found himself having to jog to keep pace with the tall woman. "We're looking for her now. Nobody saw her leave the building, so she's got to be here somewhere...!" Mary turned, giving the poor guy a death glare. "That's not what I asked." She ground out. He gulped. "U-uh, t-two hours, ma'am. A-a-and it was Riley and Nick who saw her last!" 'Please don't kill me!' He thought as he looked everywhere but at her. 'I have a family of shrimp to feed!' "Two. Hours." She repeated calmly. "And those two didn't think to tell anyone between then and now." She turned, stalking down the hall at an even faster pace. "They'll be sawdust by the time I'm through with them." Johnny watched her go, then turned and sprinted down the hall in the opposite direction. He'd done his job, and there was no reason to stick around to see the fallout. In Mortimer's office, the Puppets were gathered. While Mortimer himself was at his desk, Daisy was pacing in front of him. Riley and Nick were glaring at each other from opposite sides of the small room. While neither  said anything, it was clear to the other two that they blamed each other fro what had happened. "Oh, that poor girl!" Daisy fretted, twisting her apron in her fists. "I do hope she's okay." "Oh please, what danger could possibly be in here?" Nick said, finally pulled away from his glaring match. "She's probably raiding the kitchen or something like the others like to do. I'm sure she's fine, and this whole fuss will be for nothing." "The kitchen has been searched and she was not found there! Who knows what secrets she could see or hear!" Riley scolded. She rubbed at her temples, look pained. "This whole day has been a disaster! Thank god it's almost over!" "Riley, please calm down." Mortimer told her, trying to head off any possible arguments.. "Nick is right, there's no reason to worry or frown." "I-I apologize, of course you're right." She sighed. "The contract she signed is surely air tight." "Er..." Oh how would he explain this. His hesitance was noticed, and Nick and Daisy both turned to look at him the longer he took to agree with Riley. "She did sign the non disclosure, right Morty?" Daisy asked. Everyone was looking at him, and he found himself clearing his throat uncomfortably. "Technically, I cannot force anyone to sign. Even for me, that would be crossing a line." He told them firmly. Instantly their faces turned to looks of shock, and anger in the case of Riley. "She didn't sign?!" Riley exploded, slamming her hands on his desk. Mortimer resisted the urge to flinch back and nodded. "We're doomed!" Nick bemoaned, clutching his head. "Our show is over, canceled, caput!" Mortimer went to scold the artist for pessimistic thinking, but was cut off by the door swinging open. "Would you two shut up!" Mary hissed as she entered the room. She carefully closed the door behind her, then turned to face the room. "Now, would one of you kindly explain how you managed to lose my stepdaughter!" "It wasn't our fault!" Nick was quick to jump in. "Riley and I were simply trying to get Scout, when your daughter had some sort of attack and ran off!" "Indeed, it was really quite strange." Riley agreed. "It was almost like she was afraid..." Mary almost scoffed at the idea. "Stacy, afraid? Please, she's only doing this to be a nuisance." She refocused on the two Puppets. "Where were you when this happened?" "By the cafeteria." Nick told her. "Just outside it in the dead end." "Then we'll start there, and work our way through." Mortimer told them. "And yes, you'll be helping out too." "Fine." Riley spat, wheeling out of the room. Nick Nack followed her, as did Mary. Only Daisy and Mortimer stayed behind, with him catching her as she went to leave. "Ah, Daisy my dear, a moment if you please. Might I have a word, before you as well leave?" He asked. She stopped and turned back, wheeling back to the desk. "Of course, Morty! What's wrong?" She asked, gripping her apron. It's about Stacy, and how you're the best to help her. You know this place best, both under and over." Mortimer said. Daisy nodded, slightly confused. "Well, yes. But I don't see-" "Since she's a child, and a frightened one at that, I expect you to search the hiding places of your brats." Daisy blinked and almost protested(Hand Puppets or not, they were still her children, and he shouldn't call them brats just to make a rhyme), but then stopped to think about it. "You know sugarplum, you might actually be on to something there." She said, missing Mortimer's approving look as she turned. racing out of the room. "And I think I know exactly where I should look." Half and hour later, and Daisy had steadily worked her way through all of the Hand Puppets' hiding spots. While they technically had hundreds, she had managed to shrink the list to just a fraction by eliminating the places Stacy wouldn't be able to fit in. She'd shrunk it even further by getting rid of the options that neither the girl or Scout would know about. The end result was a very small list of possible locations for a human child to hide. She had searched all of them and Stacy was nowhere. As of now she was out of ideas, and had decided to search the by now very empty Sound Stage. Most everyone having already gone home. She knew Lydia was still around, but other than her, a few senior assistants, and Mary and her son, the studio was devoid of any humans. Daisy really hoped Stacy hadn't noticed this, as she didn't want the girl panicking over it. Based on what Riley and Nick had described, the poor dear was probably terrified out of her mind by now. That thought is what kept the homemaker from giving up, determined to find her before one of her "siblings" did. She loved them, she really did, but neither of them were really all that... good, with the kids, and she worried what might happen if either of them found Stacy first. So she worked her way through the Sound Stage, checking inside each set and looking in each door to make sure she didn't miss anything. However, as she made it to the prop closet that specifically held her props, she heard a noise from inside. She pressed her ear against the door, and felt her heart sink when she heard a quiet sniffling from within. "Stacy? Honey, are you in there?" She called out, only to be met with complete silence. "Sugar I know you're in there. You've got everybody awful worried about you." No reply, but she did hear something shifting around inside. Boxes being moved, fabric rubbing against itself. It sounded like she was coming out of hiding, and Daisy couldn't help the small smugness she felt at accomplishing that. "Stacy, you have to come out of there. Everybody's awful worried about you. Your mother-" "She's not my mom." Stacy interrupted, throwing the Puppet off with how angry she sounded. "Step-mother then." She corrected herself. "Please, sugar, Mary's worried about you too." "She doesn't care. Not really." "Oh now, don't say that. I'm sure she cares a lot." Daisy tried to assure her, grabbing the door knob, pausing when Stacy answered. "If she really cared, I wouldn't be here." A pause. "I definitely don't want to be here..." "What do you mean by that?" Wouldn't be here? According to Mary, Stacy loved the show, and watched the new episodes every week with her brother. Why wouldn't such a loyal fan of the show not want to be here? "I don't know what she told you, but this job is supposed to be a punishment." Her voice was quiet, but Daisy could tell she was on the verge of tears again. "What?!" Daisy felt faint. Surely Mary wouldn't...? She yanked open the door, finding Stacy hidden behind a stack of several boxes. Her face was tear stained, and her eyes were red and puffy. "Oh, sweetheart..." She sighed, then backed away from the door. "Come on sugar. Let's go tell the others you're alright..." Stacy came out of the closet, following Daisy as she wheeled back to Mortimer's office. She paused at the door, unlatching it carefully before backing up and charging through it. "Mary Stein, what is wrong with you?!" Everyone in the office jumped, and she too notice that the other Puppets were there. Ignoring them for now, she extended her stand to get into the human woman's face, putting on her best Daisy Danger Death Glare. "How dare you use us to punish your step-daughter!" "Punish?" Nick questioned from behind, but the baker ignored him. "I don't know what you're talking abo-" Mary said, but Daisy pushed on. "Really? Because Stacy told me everything. And now, I want you to tell me what ever possessed you to use fear to punish a child? And you had better have a really good answer." Whatever Mary was going to say was never to be heard, as she was cut off with another question from behind. "She's afraid of us?" Riley asked in a small voice. She looked more upset than Daisy had seen her be in a long time, and Nick, standing beside, had a similar expression. For a moment, "Of course not!" Mary insisted. "She watches your show all the time with Danny. She wouldn't do that if she was scared of you!" "Or maybe she would, if she cared what her brother thought of her." Mortimer pointed out. "The siblings are quite close, you've said so yourself many times before." "Yes, well-" Mortimer cut her off again. "You told me before that her working here was to keep her out of trouble, give her a fun Summer. Had I known that to be a lie, I'd never have agreed to hire her." Mortimer sounded genuinely mad for the first time in years. Mary went to protest, but the Puppet held up a hand to stop her. "I will allow her to continue to work here." He told her. "On the condition that us, she doesn't have to go near. There are plenty of other jobs for her to do. Sound control, editing, writing too." He said to the room at large. "I'll talk to Lydia and have her choose where she can stay. In the mean time, take her and Danny home, you've all had quite a day." "Of course." Mary said, turning to leave, but was stopped by Mortimer. "Oh, and one more thing." He waited until she'd turned back around. "If you ever pull something like this again, your time here with us will come to an end." His tone remained calm, but even Mary could tell his was still angry. So she simply nodded and hurried out of his office, closing the door behind her. Stacy was sitting beside the door, arms on her knees as she stared quietly at the wall. If she had been listening or not, Mary honestly couldn't tell. She thought about saying something, anything, about what had happened. The words "I'm sorry" came to her mind, but she couldn't figure out what to be sorry for. In the end, she simply sighed and gestured towards where the door was. "Come on Stacy. Let's go get your brother and you guys' stuff. We'll talk about this when we get home." She told her. The girl didn't answer, but did stand up and follow her step-mother down the hall. Her hands were shoved in her shorts pockets, and her head was down, but at least she was moving.. 'Tomorrow will be better.' Mary assured herself as they picked Danny up from Lydia. 'I know better now, and Stacy won't have to be around the Puppets. We'll have a nice talk about everything when we get home, and things will be fine. They have to be.'        

[streamacademe]

Week 106, Day 735.

My trip to Scotland was a success and I managed to collect some samples! But, I don’t want to talk about that this week. As my 3rd year has officially commenced, I would instead like to dedicate this post to lessons I’ve learned as a 2nd year PhD student and reiterate over my coping strategies.  So, without further ado... 10 lessons I learned as a 2nd year PhD student:

Be prepared to face some dark times with your mental health - I won’t lie to you, it can, and probably will get pretty ugly. At times it will feel like the entire world is on your shoulders and you can’t breathe. I have had countless mental breakdowns this year, which usually involve bawling my eyes out and hyperventilating, before passing out from the exhaustion of it all, then coming around and crying again. Not fun. I have also suffered from insomnia, and, on the flip side, have had many days where I couldn’t get out of bed. I have included some coping strategies for set backs with mental health at the end of this post. 

It will get hard and you’re going to want to quit - I’m sorry to be a bit of a downer, but it’s the truth. For me, giving up is not an option, but even I have had days where I’ve wanted to quit. It’s probably in the terms and conditions of a PhD to feel like this sometimes, but no one ever reads those. How you keep the love for your project glowing is for you to figure out. I always think of the finish line and of how far I’ve come. Or neck a glass of wine, that also helps...

Find a balance between feeling terrified and apathetic, and stupid and self-assured - PhD’s are terrifying, which I appreciate can be exhausting and can lead to feeling apathetic. However, apathy is both a blessing and a curse. It may make you feel calmer and more able, but it sure as hell won’t motivate you to try harder and do better. The same applies for feeling self-assured; yes, you’re clearly a clever bean for getting this far and you should acknowledge and celebrate that, but feeling stupid pushes us to seek knowledge, which is what science is all about. 

Focus on genuine priorities - Procrastination/dedicating your time to non-essential tasks are your no.1 enemies. PhD’s are extremely unpredictable and you have to try and be ahead of the game or you risk falling too far behind. So make sure you know exactly what your priorities are and treat them as such. 

To do lists and GANTT charts are life savers - On your worst days,  refer to these to reorient yourself and stay on track. Make sure they’re always up to date, kept neat, and, most importantly, realistic. 

Self-care is critical - And no, I don’t just mean bubble baths with scented candles every night, although those are definitely helpful. Self-care is looking after your mental, physical, and emotional well-being. Pushing yourself too hard can end really badly. Use me as an example, I pushed myself too hard physically and damaged my spine, which resulted in me taking a week off work. I won’t even mention the amount of mental health set backs I’ve had. So, do whatever it is that allows you to rest your bones, de-frazzles your mind, makes you happy, helps you feel better, and makes you feel like you can keep going. 

You have to learn to say ‘no’ - This will probably be something you’re not used to or are comfortable doing, but I have learned from personal experience that this is literally the most important thing when it comes to  looking after yourself and avoiding burnout. 

Your personal growth is impossible to ignore - Who you are when you start your PhD is definitely not the person you will be at the end. You never stop learning and developing in a PhD, but like, at an accelerated rate. I find it fascinating looking back at my progress reports; something that may have felt impossible 6 months ago is now the norm. 

Rely on your supervisors for help - THIS IS SO IMPORTANT. You DO NOT have to do everything alone. Ask questions, talk to them about your problems, seek their advice. And if they make you feel inferior, uncomfortable, stupid, or make themselves unavailable to you, contact your student support office/r, because a supervisor should NEVER do that. Furthermore, don’t be afraid to voice your opinions and stand your ground with your superiors, they are only human, just like you, and if you feel like they are misguiding or misunderstanding you, tell them. This is your PhD, not anybody else’s. 

Remember that your PhD is your work not your life - As hard as that may be. That is all. 

My ways of coping with the challenges of doing a PhD:

Spend time with animals and in nature - Honestly, if I had to choose just one bit of advice, it’d be this. Animals are the definition of joy, and being in nature always reminds me how beautiful the world can be, irrespective of how dark and rubbish mine may feel at times. 

Sleep - Getting enough sleep makes my anxiety more manageable, my mood better, and means I have more energy to deal with what life has to throw at me. Don’t listen to how much sleep you “should” have, instead listen to your body and work with it. Personally, I aim for at least 8 hours a night. 

Minimalism - I have mentioned minimalism many times on my blog. The benefits of this lifestyle are countless. With respect to my PhD, living with less allows me to have more room to breathe and think. It also means I spend more time on experiences instead of material things. Minimalism also allows me to live intentionally and aligns with my personal values. This in return means that I am more at peace with the life I lead outside of my PhD. 

Save money - Not only do savings mean a sense of security, but having money set aside can be really helpful if you are in need of a getaway or simply want to treat yourself without getting into debt. Furthermore, as there is no guarantee of a job straight after your PhD, or if your funding runs out before you finish, it is essential to have some savings as a safety net to fall on if need be. 

Read - I use books as a form of escape from reality, typically reading either before bed or in the morning before work. It helps take my mind off  the stresses that clutter my brain.

Exercise, eat healthy, and drink plenty of water - I know you’ve heard it all before, but here it is again. It works.

Red Bull (as a last resort) - There are many things in life that have impacted my ability to focus this year, including long drives, bad news, sleepless nights, and mental health issues. However, life doesn’t stop when you want to and so when I’m really struggling I turn to Red Bull for help, and it really does help me. (I don’t drink coffee and tea doesn’t cut it). I always ensure not to drink more than one can a day or drink alcohol within the same 24 hours that I’ve drank Red Bull in. 

How I try to cope with mental health set backs: Disclaimer: ‘Try’ is a critical word here as it is not always easy or straightforward to do the below, and, sadly, sometimes none of these suggestions work. 

Talk about it - I HATE talking about my mental health issues to people as I don’t want to burden my friends, upset my family, or appear weak at work. However, there are times where I’ve had to, and it’s helped. I mainly talk to my boyfriend about it, but should probably see a therapist. Hey ho, small steps. If you really can’t talk about it, write about it, either publicly or privately. 

Perspective - I have been watching a show called ‘New Amsterdam’ recently, which has really helped me see how insignificant some of my problems are. That’s not to say you’re not allowed to feel like crap just because you’re not having open heart surgery, of course you are, but trying to do things that change your perspective can be very helpful in coming out of a mental health episode. Geddit?

Give back - There is always someone having a worse time than you and nothing helps to snap you out of your pity party like lending a helping hand. Whether it’s volunteering at a homeless shelter, running a marathon for charity, or simply donating what you can to a cause you believe in. Give back. 

Headspace - I’m sure you’ve heard of this app/website, if not, here it is. Personally, I don’t like Andy Puddicombes voice, or listening to a human in general, so I don’t use the platform for meditation, but they do have a great range of sleepcasts and sounds, which I use to combat my insomnia. 

Calming medication (natural) - I use an essential oil aromatherapy roller ball to help me overcome an anxious episode or get me off to sleep. Personally, I use Tisserand for these. I also use Rescue Remedy drops for the same reason (these contain alcohol so aren’t for everyone). 

Get the F off of social media for a while - Honestly, your phone isn’t an essential organ, take a break from it, see what wonders it can do for you.

Cut out toxic/negative people - Fill your life with wholesome people, get rid of anyone that makes your recovery impossible, or your life difficult. Be as harsh as you need to be, cry about it, drink about it, but do it, and don’t go back. Here’s a great song to support you through this.  

That is all folks. It took me all day to write this, so I hope it’s at least somewhat helpful. ❤ Peace. 

Photo: A photo of a sunset that made me feel better after an especially difficult day. Source: My camera.

[aroworlds]

I just want to let you all know that my health still isn’t good: I spent awareness week struggling with insomnia (not to mention before and now after) and trying to cope with making content for it while operating on almost no sleep just about broke me. I’m glad I did it, but I’ve spent this week trying to recover from it, and I struggle to find the energy needed to talk to people when I’m that worn out.

Right now, I’m trying to figure out more about transition options and support as a queer, transgender person, since it’s been made clear to me that my current environment is not ever going to be truly supportive. This week I had a really good conversation with my GP so my new pronouns are as officially on the system as they can be (with a system that doesn’t really support it, but at least referrals will correctly refer to me) and a conversation about my queerness that was summed up as “sexual attraction irrespective of gender, romantic attraction to nobody, no gender”. It’s not completely accurate because you all know I’m abrosexual, but given that I mostly use queer like a safety blanket in offline conversations, it’s as accurate as I get to someone who doesn’t already know me. I’m looking for a new psychologist, and there’s a few queer-centred clinics in my state’s capital (Melbourne, Australia) I’ll be checking out.

The extreme degree of lack of sleep is almost certainty a response to everything that’s happened this year with regards the incredible invalidation from my former psychologist and family, but it’s making it hard. If autism makes a lot of the above difficult, insomniac autistic cranks the playing level right up!

I’ve been thinking about the direction of this blog, since I would like to open up the ask box again. The problem is that this blog was becoming a little more community-conversation-support-and-validation than is easy for me to handle. It takes a lot of spoons to be available to provide that kind of response and support, and there is always going to be a greater need for it than I am able to provide. To be frank, it’s overwhelming to me to constantly see it in my inbox and my messages, and that’s not something I well handle as an autistic.

I’m a creative. I write, I sew, I scrapbook, I design, I make. I’m hampered by my disabilities and an inability to have or afford real workarounds in terms of accessibility aids, but as much as I am able to, I make things. I was quietly proud of myself during awareness week for being able to get past the “I can’t do it perfectly so why do it at all” tendency of mine to make pride-related pieces that weren’t perfect (lack of tape, time, editing, fabric, marker pens) but still existed, as that’s something hard for me. And it meant the world to me to see some of those pieces get likes and reblogs!

My highest shape of activism is always going to be creative media, yet this blog, combined with the limitations of my disabilities, was making it harder for me to do that. It’s not coincidental that I’m able to write more stories with the ask box closed!

The other problem is that a lot of the conversations I was getting more concerned aro-ace folks, aro-ace experiences and aro-ace relationships to the aro-spec, ace-spec and a-spec communities. I’m not saying that you don’t need or deserve the support, and it is by no means wrong that anyone sought this out, but I felt like I was providing more reassurance to folks with issues that don’t impact me in quite the same way, without the time to talk about my own needs (because I am disabled, my spoons are limited and I never had the ability to do both the way I wanted). That felt like I was working more to support other people than I was to support myself; my activism slowly moved further and further away from my own needs in the aro-spec and a-spec communities.

I hope folks appreciate that providing reassurance, validation and support to fellow community members is a lot of work--something that takes a lot of time, a lot of physical ability, a lot of physical energy, a lot of emotional ability, and a lot of emotional energy. It’s work, it’s skilled work, and it’s hard work--something I don’t think we always stop and acknowledge in activist spaces where the need of people to be supported is sometimes pushed ahead of the ability for people to provide it. Particularly when the people who are doing this work are unpaid, often unsupported in their providing of this work while at the same time being applauded for it, and have to face a never-ending need for it should they begin to offer it.

I’ve had asks that have distressed and triggered me, asks that need all the empathy and validation I can provide but at the same time distress me to the point where I can’t cope myself. Where do I go to talk about that? Where do I go to find help? I can’t write a post about it here; that would hurt the person who needs help and has done nothing wrong in seeking it. Psychologists see other psychologists for support, but we have a grassroots situation where folks are providing nearly the same sort of work on an untrained, volunteer basis, for a community in incredibly desperate need of it and can’t actually go to a psychologist who doesn’t understand aromanticism, without any kind of support network ourselves.

Without that, it’s very difficult not to succumb to overwhelm and burnout ... and for much the same reasons folks came to my ask box, I can’t easily see a psychologist myself for coping with this, or afford to do so as frequently as I need even if/when I do find someone supportive.

I think a good thing for the aro-spec community to discuss would be the ways we can support other community members in their community-support-and-community-building activities, in terms of making sure that the people who are working to build our communities are physically and emotionally safe, have spaces where we can discuss the challenges and problems in providing community support--in the same way psychologists also have these support networks--and have their labour acknowledged in the sense of our promoting their PayPal, Ko-fi and Patreon accounts (it’s hard to manage the emotional work of providing deserved support for our own when we’re panicking over having $5 in our bank accounts and a $100 bill to pay next month). We shouldn’t be taking it for granted that the people who are helping prop us up can do so unaided, not when we all know the struggles we face in a capitalist, amatonormative world. Let’s please acknowledge this, not just for me but for every other aro-spec who is putting their works out in posts, answering asks and creating the content we need and appreciate.

Let’s do our best to support the people who are supporting us and have open conversations about the struggles and stresses of activism, because I honestly feel that the only options for me include shutting down the inbox forever, being seen as selfish and demanding if I talk about the problems of being a source of support because I’m supposed to be helping people, quitting the blog entirely, or struggling through it all until I shatter.

In the meantime, though, as a disabled aro-spec, I have to draw a line.

For me, this comes back to what I want to do--run a blog about aro-spec creativity while making more original aro-spec creative content--and activism that directly concerns and impacts me. That means, specifically, allo-aro activism, because I’m increasingly finding a disconnect between general aro-spec approaches and my own needs. Activism for aro generally isn’t resulting in a-spec spaces that feel safe for me, and that’s where I want to direct my conversations.

For this blog, @aroworlds, I’d like the ask box to be an easy way folks can recommend media, discuss content, squee about something cool they read/saw/heard/found, share pride merch, give their thoughts on something with regards representation or creativity. I won’t say that I won’t make my own posts about activism here and there, but I’d like to get back to a focus on creativity. I am asking, therefore, that people please keep messages, submissions and asks to topics of aro-spec creativity and creative media. I am no longer taking support-providing asks, community information asks or community terminology asks on this blog.

For my other blog, @alloaroworlds, I’m happy to have more conversations about aro-spec community issues, identity experiences and creative media as concerns allo-aros. This is where I want to focus my activism outside of creative media, and this is where I want to have community-issue conversations. I’m not yet at a point where I’m really able to provide much in the way of emotional support, but if I ever get my life to a point where I can, that’s where I’ll be providing it. In the meantime, though, let’s talk the aro-spec and a-spec communities and where allo-aros fit into them--and anything else allo-aros want to talk about.

Thank you so much for reading this monster of a post, my lovely followers. I won’t be opening up the ask box here today or even this week, but I will hope to be soon. Because I really do miss folks telling me about something cool they’ve found, and I hope we can get back to that and other projects and discussions focusing on aro-spec creativity.

In the meantime, if folks could wish for me a week where I sleep every night, I would be exceptionally grateful!