#I strongly believe someone who wants more T should make their own version of this :3

[traaansfem]

Reblog to Estrogenize Prev*

*Cis men are welcome to reblog this, but be aware that those labels may not last :3

[thepriceofbeingaroseisloneliness]

KAORU&TOSHIYA INTERVIEW  BURRN!! OCTOBER 2020  2/2

‘Ochita koto no aru sora’ was released as the band’s first digital single ever. In the middle of what it seems to be nightmarish situation in which they can’t predict at all what’s lies ahead, what are the hopes and emotions that these 5 people put into this song?

Text by You Masuda “We are in a difficult position, aren’t we? How long should we wait? For example, if this situation continues next year, I feel like it’s going to be complicated for us.”

Notes before reading: This is the second part of the Kaoru and Toshiya interview done by You Masuda for BURRN!! October 2020 Issue released last September 4th. You can read the first part here.

You can support and get the magazine at Amazon Japan or CDJapan.

Feel free to correct me if you spot any mistake or any confusing parts. ------ (1st part here) -Once the video (‘The World of Mercy) is completed, it will become a big thing as well. However, since that song should have closed the flow of the 'The insulated world' in the first place, if it appears again in the future, it is possible that the flow becomes odd for some reason. K: That’s right. Originally, we were planning to complete the feeling of the album at Pia Arena. But actually, that’s not possible. Although we have to use this video for future activities, we have to think about what kind of presentation should be done for it. The song itself is a thing of the past, we can’t simply go like “we are publishing it (the video) for the people just because we made a clip”, it’s not interesting anymore. The heat of the enthusiasm has cool down a little. -In the meantime, the next single and its consequent video are coming out. But whatever the future is, you are about to start producing your next album.  Is the idea/concept already there? K: Well, little by little. Currently I don’t feel like we have many songs yet. From this month (August), we are supposed to start marking songs properly. -For example ’The World of Mercy’, will it be part of the next album? K: No, it won’t be included. After all, this song is the conclusion of ‘The insulated World'’. -In terms of discography, it will be a bit independent from the next album. T: I think it’s like that. In that sense, it will be like 'Ain't afraid to die'. (Note: This song is a single released in 2001 to conclude the flow from 'Macabre’ and is not included in any of the original albums.) K: Well, that's fine, right?  Probably we won’t need it for the next album (laughs) -No, of course, I'd be happy if there were as many new songs as possible. It’s not like I’m not convinced that this song won’t be included in the next album but, whatever happens in the future with your live activities, from a creative perspective is it ok to think that  flow from the album (The Insulated World) is over with this song? K:  Of course. However, I think there will be also some flow  similar to this song. That's because 'The World of Mercy 'is simply closer in time than 'The Insulated World'. But well, I don't know what will happen (laughs) -As we discussed earlier, there was also a sense of continuity in the lyrics. In recent years one of the most remarkable things that’s being said is that “there is no correct answer”, “A lie could be also the truth for a person” or something like “It may be true if you keep believing in it, even if you suspect that it may be wrong”. I felt some sense of contradiction. So, at the end of the two nights in Yokohama, I felt like you were hinting at something  with the line “Ill feelings will continue coming”, a variation on the lyrics of “Sustain the Untruth”. K: That’s simply  because it was the last song at the end of the show, like creating the image of playing it with the audience while the lights were on (Note: they used live footage for this song at the broadcasting). It was just this song  because it wasn’t included the day before. However, when it comes to lyrics, there are moments that you can think about it  in that way. -A two-night performance that was supposed to end leaving such an aftertaste. But without closing the previous flow, “Ochita koto ga aru no sora” comes into the world and goes on. I'm looking forward to it while I was imagining how is it going to be. A concrete thing about this single again is that  you have had Brian Gardner as mastering engineer for some time, right? This might be the first time you have teamed up with Josh Wilbur, who was in charge of mixing this time. Does this mean that it was the right timing to do it? K: That's right. He is very popular, so we never had a chance to work with him. It seemed possible this time, so we decided to ask him for the first time. Well, he is quite of a “on my own way" type of person. Like, he plays with the sound as he feels. The first time he sent us back what he created, we were like “what the hell is this?” (laughs) -You really didn’t see that coming, right? K: That’s right. Even if the song was processed just a little, at first there were parts that it was like “what?” “this can’t be good” (laughs). After all,  as he is a person who also does pop music, don’t you have a tendency to try to do such things? -In short, in these times, processing like that is a way to create an upgraded form (of the song) K: Actually, I don’t know if I would say that it is an “upgraded” form.  Somehow, it’s like he doesn’t want to leave it as it is. -He is simply not someone that just says, “I will make it sound good”. K: That’s right. T: Yes. Maybe he is someone who wants to leave a mark in the sounds he makes. I guess he is that type of person. But when I heard the sound that came back from the first mix he did, I thought it was "interesting". It was too different from our previous approach, but it was interesting from an objective point of view. However, at first, we sent him a provisional mix made here in Japan, telling him we wanted it to sound “like that”. Usually, the song would be sent back with that feeling (as we requested). As it came back with a completely different direction, it was like  a shoot and I was struck by it. I was a bit surprised. -You don't know what kind of person he was until you actually try to team with him. K: Yes. At first, we thought it would take him some time to do it. But as he is a person working in many things, as we told him the appropriate things, we thought he would do it properly. Actually, he sent it back to us quickly. So, when it comes to that, if we told him “please do this thing here”, he sent it back (done) soon. -In short, at first, he may not be the type of person that at the time of sending it back to you, sends you something “safe”. It’s like he doesn’t want to do it in a safe way. K: That might be true. But at first the sound of the band itself was strongly metal. -Do you mean more than what it was? K: Yes. Like the drums…. the drums were much sloppier than the final version ones. I feel like I overlooked his intentions a bit. -However, if you are in a situation where you can work by exchanging data, even if the returned idea is not what you were looking for, you will realize "Oh, can turn out like this?"  Even if it's not the correct answer for you right now, it may be a hint for someday. K: Certainly, there were moments like that. However, although it is exciting in itself, we had a strong consciousness that we were actually doing it, so I didn’t expect that much (laughs) Wanting to do it “more like this” comes out first. However, if I listen to it again later, I think that the “Oh, I see” feeling will come out. "No, we don't know that yet. It's just a song that was completed as a single. It starts from here though” Kaoru -It must have been meaningful to you to know what kind of work he would do. You said “he is a person working in many things” but he turned out to be a person that doesn’t do everything in a smooth/safe way. K: Yes. On the contrary, there are some people who won’t take the song to the extend that you want even if you can see the answer (final result) from the beginning and tell them “how about this?”. In that sense, I guess he was well suited for the task. -It’s hard to point out the specific difference from your usual sound but, after all, something feels different. K:That's right. Moreover, somehow isn’t the existence of the song itself already big?  I thought it would be difficult to put it out like that, so I thought it was he someone who would do it.

- You can hear Kyo’s mid-range singing very well. The lyrics of those parts also come up clearly.

K: Yes. But that doesn’t mean that some sound is being cut off there. Everything is coming out in a really clean way. That’s why I feel like he (Josh Wilbur) is a person who knows how to produce all kind of sounds.

-Yes. If you look at the works he has done in the past, it's not just heavy rock, it's very diverse in musical terms. (Note: The list of artists he has worked with includes not only LAMB OF GOD, MEGADETH, TRIVIUM, but also P!Nk and Faith Hill.) DIR EN GREY has had many opportunities to work with several engineers this way, but for the future….

K: We want to continue working with him. If he tried with the single and it worked out well, the next step would be the album. I wish we could find someone who would like to work with us on the next album, but I'm not sure if he will take care of it. It’s depends on what we will do in the future until we find someone like him who can do it.

- If all goes well in the future, I think you should be able to tell us about the next album you are already picturing in your imagination in a few months.  Do you think the production schedule wouldn’t have changed in the first place, even if this first domestic tour or the two-night performance in Yokohama were held as scheduled?

K: That's right.

-In other words, do you mean that you will be absorbed in production the album this year?

K: That’s right. Well, as a matter of fact, I feel that we can do nothing but to move in a different way under this situation. At least, isn’t it hard to think about doing new lives? If there were more live shows that have already been scheduled, we would think about what to do with them. In our case, we cancelled the tour, didn't we? For the time being, there are venues where the postponement is still on hold and there are other venues that are actually still booked. But, well, in the current situation, the question is if new lives should be announced at those places (that are booked).

- At the same time, even if there is a not officially announced live schedule, it does not necessarily mean you should do it in the way you originally thought.

K: Yes. So, in the end it's likely that it will be postponed again and if that happens, I think we should hold the venue again sometime next year There are a lot of things to think about, and in fact, all we talk about now is how we're going to move.

- Actually right now, is there anything left to announce after the two-night performance at Pia Arena?

K: That’s it. There is nothing that can be announced now.

- Even if you make a release schedule, the situation will be different depending if you can play lives or not. Of course, if you have a situation in which you can play lives as before, you'll want to do it as soon as possible, but we are waiting for that to be possible….

K: We are in a difficult position, aren’t we? How long should we wait?  For example, if this situation continues next year, I feel like it’s going to be complicated for us. We can't wait forever, but we can't force it ourselves. So, I can only say that it depends on the situation. For example, you're planning a tour in winter right now. Normally, we would have to announce it soon, right? But in the current situation, that is not possible. If we decide and announce it right away, we will sell the ticket according to the guidelines*  at that moment, but actually no matter when you restart doing lives, I don't think we can announce it with the minimum time in advance, and I think the guideline itself will change in the future if we announce it with months in advance. To sell the tickets according to the guidelines at that time, you would have to do (the lives) in a short span of time, like a month later.

*Japan's guidelines for events (concerts, sports events...) are measures to prevent the spread of Corona virus.  These measures  limits the venue capacity and  advocate for social distancing among other things. However, the guidelines is not  legally enforced.  

-For example, in the future, in a seated venue, you can only perform if there is an interval (empty seats) between attendees, and in such a situation, the picture that comes to your mind when you imagine a live will be different. In that case, I guess that it’s hard that this fits the way of doing lives that you have been trying to do until now.

K: That's right.

T: I think everyone has no choice but to explore the options. Of course, the idea of ​​playing lives normally should still be there, but I think we should explore other ideas as well. That's why…...there are many unclear parts, but the current situation is that it cannot be clarified. As this happens, I think there is no choice but to think about the possibilities in both directions. So, if we can do something interesting, I think we should do it, and if we can play lives in a safe environment…. the guideline may change again, but of course I want to do it right away.

-I hope the situation where we can enjoy live performances as before will return, and I hope  you will be able to do what you were trying to do this year in a similar way  in the future. When that time comes, it will be an upgraded form.

K: Of course. In fact, we are always thinking about a year ahead, no, even more…Of course, there are plans that we will keep. However, we are not sure if these things can be done as we planned. But well, we work on the premise that we can do it, and if we can't do, there will a right time for it.

-When the right time comes, you may have to do all at the same time, what you originally thought you would do and the things that you were putting aside too.

K: Yes, that too (laughs)

T: That can be tough, though.

-As soon as the touring ban is lifted, and each band restarts their live activities at once….

T: That's a difficult thing, isn't it?

K: That’s why….it might the same from the audience’s perspective but, it also depends on how much the people around the artist and live staff can resist. I want them to endure this situation until somehow, we can play live without worrying about it. What should we do so they can endure it? The hardest thing would be that they weren’t there when we can play lives again. That's why…. I hope everyone can survive this situation somehow.

My conversation with these two people ends here. I don't know how the situation will change in the future. Optimism is dangerous, but we don't have to imagine the worst. In this phase,I am grateful that the new song was released at the promised time, and I would like to get ready for the right time to come without giving up hope. However, we can’t do anything about it, just long for it.

[lokismusings]

Russell T Davies on straight actors and gay characters.

I decided to put this here because I post a lot of Hilson stuff. As an actor, this article hit a nerve. However, as a defender of free speech, Davies is allowed to have his opinion without me thinking of him as insensitive. Just like I am allowed to have my own opinion and argument, and ask questions without being labeled “homophobic, intolerant” etc. (that would just make me laugh because have you SEEN my blog? Anyway, I’ve seen a few other websites covering this article. I am also very skeptical of everything I read, including the sources, and I try not to blindly believe everything. That being said, I felt like posting this to get other opinions and ask honest question to help my understanding. If this has already been covered on Tumblr, please feel free to send me the conversations! Some background on me: I graduated with a BA in Theatre and have worked both on and off the stage since I was twelve years old. I have directed plays and an audio play. Given my experience and dedication to my craft, I think my opinion is worth something.

Also, for the sake of this argument, I am leaving trans-actors out because that’s a whole different post. Here is the article:

https://news.sky.com/story/russell-t-davies-straight-actors-should-not-play-gay-characters-12185652

Okay, so first things first, let’s talk about this: “Speaking to the Radio Times, Davies compared a straight actor playing a gay character to black face.” Something that irks me is when one person tries to speak for a whole community and doesn’t reference people from said community who might disagree: whether it’s the LGBTQ+ community, a religious community, medical community, etc. The list goes on. Here, Davies is speaking on behalf of, or speaking for, both the LGBTQ+ community and the black community, is he not? I am genuinely asking because I would like to be more educated on this kind of speech. 

Then Davies says, "I'm not being woke about this... but I feel strongly that if I cast someone in a story, I am casting them to act as a lover, or an enemy, or someone on drugs or a criminal or a saint... they are NOT there to 'act gay' because 'acting gay' is a bunch of codes for a performance.” Does that not discredit his whole statement? If any actor does a caricature version of anything and doesn’t take it seriously or really works to get into the role and the mindset of a character, they’re not a good actor. At least, they’re not an actor that I’d want to hire. Second, by the logic that a straight person shouldn’t play a gay character, should someone without a criminal record not be able to play a criminal character? Before you go off and say “it’s about identity and sexuality, and playing a criminal is about the choice to break the law” or other arguments, I hear you. I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about the experience. How can an actor who has never committed a crime play a criminal character authentically? They do their research: reading, interviewing, etc. I’m not saying that an actor with a few minor marks on his record shouldn’t be considered for the same role. I’m saying that in an audition setting, if both of these actors were auditing for the role and the non-criminal-record actor just happened to do a better job and fit what the director and/or writer wanted, is that a mark against the criminal-record-actor? Maybe personally because we don’t know what the director is thinking. But chances are, it’s not a mark against the other actor. The other one just happened to have a better audition. Or, a major factor when considering casting, said actor was easy to work with--I’ve seen a lot of talented actors lose a lot of roles because of their inability to take criticism or notes. 

Plus, the whole “Breaking Bad” series?? I highly doubt the main actors were meth-making drug-lords. Or, a better example, “The Wire?” In that show, we see the constant battle and deals between drug-lords and cops. 

Another point I’d like to make:  “...is a bunch of codes for a performance.” That’s exactly right. The audience doesn’t want to know an actor is “performing.” We know that going in, with what is called “suspension of disbelief.” We know the whole show is a performance, but we also expect the actors to be truthful (unless it’s a comedy/farce, but again, that’s a different argument). 

Was it bad that, before 2020, some main characters in TV shows were portrayed as straight but the writers ended up “queer-baiting?” I am referring, of course, to House, M.D. (If you follow this blog, you’ll understand.) But I am also referring to the BBC Sherlock Holmes series. Yes, both pairs of characters (House and Wilson; Holmes and Watson) are assumed to be straight. However, some episodes allude that there could also be something more there. Even the actors have said in various interviews that they aren’t sure if it’s a true romance that the characters are afraid to face, or just a strong bond between best friends that blurs the line between platonic and romantic. I’m paraphrasing, but you get the picture. Therefore, should these characters have only been played by straight actors who are questioning their sexuality or feelings for a best friend? Would it have been disrespectful to gay people if these characters ended up becoming romantically involved? (If we ask the Hilson and Johnlock community, I’m guessing that’s a resounding “NO WAY! IT WOULD BE A DREAM COME TRUE!” xD <3) 

“It's about authenticity, the taste of 2020.” *Cinema Sins sigh*

"You wouldn't cast someone able-bodied and put them in a wheelchair...” Again I say, directors and casting directors need to ALWAYS search for someone who is in a wheelchair, or deaf, or HOH, etc. before looking for an able-bodied actor to play a character with that disability (I’m iffy on the whole term “disability because of its negative connotations, but I’m using that word in order to keep this post as long as possible). But I give you the example of Rainman with Dustin Hoffman. Or A Beautiful Mind with Russell Crowe. Or the play and movie Proof, where the father had a mental illness?  Anthony Hopkins was diagnosed late in life with Asperger’s Syndrome, but the father in Proof was written to allude more to schizophrenia. And yet, Anthony Hopkins did a tremendous job in that role. Or Even Forrest Gump with Tom Hanks. Many people today love Tom Hanks and laud him as a “woke” celebrity. But if he were to portray the role of Forrest Gump today, how many people would try to “cancel” him or at least have very strong words for the director not casting an actor with autism, due to the character’s autistic tendencies? A whole lot of people on the internet and Twitter, I’ll bet. As someone who struggles with anxiety and panic disorder, would I be upset if someone without that mental illness got cast in a role of a character struggling with that? Sure I would. But if they did an authentic job and approached the role respectfully, it would be hard to stay irritated. Besides, there are always more roles created practically everyday. 

To continue on with Davies’ quote: “...you wouldn't black someone up.” Yikes. I’m sure he didn’t mean this in a cast-off kind of way, but that’s how it comes across. I can see now why he said he wasn’t “being woke about this,” because a more “woke” way of putting that would be...what, exactly? “You wouldn’t cast a non-black person in a black role.” That sounds better and less harsh. Or even “a white person in a minority role.” Which should be common sense, and I agree with both statements. 

And then “Authenticity is leading us to joyous places." Oh! Look at that! There’s that word that I’ve been using and emphasizing throughout this whole post! Authenticity is one major brick in the foundation of good, credible acting. 

“High-profile examples of straight performers playing LGBTQ+ characters include Rami Malek's Oscar-winning portrayal of Freddie Mercury in Bohemian Rhapsody, and Taron Egerton's Golden Globe-winning turn as Sir Elton John in Rocketman.”

I haven’t seen Rocketman, but I saw Bohemian Rhapsody and it was great! Why am I high-lighting this movie? Because it’s the perfect example of a straight actor playing a gay character and playing it authentically, while also looking a lot like the real person they’re portraying. If a look-a-like had been cast who also happened to be gay, but couldn’t act to save their life or couldn’t bring as much as Rami brought to the role, wouldn’t that kind of put a damper on the film? And yet, Rami Maleck both looked the part and brought an authenticity to the role that many Queen fans loved and appreciated. Even the remaining Queen band members said that he did an incredible job and Freddy would be proud. I wonder if Freddy would care that Rami wasn’t gay? I doubt it, but no one can know for certain. 

Then there’s the whole term “gay face.” I personally don’t think this is the right term to use because it could possibly diminish the whole meaning and importance of “black face.” Even if Corden appeared to be mocking gay people (I never watched The Prom so I have no idea what his performance was like), calling it “gay face” takes away from and inadvertently belittles the whole dark history of “black face.” Black face’s whole history comes out of an even darker history of racist times filled with hatred and ignorance. I’m not saying that gay people haven’t had their own experiences with hate and intolerance, but isn’t kind of “un-woke” and “insensitive” to compare the hundreds of years of blatant, public racism against an entire race of people to the intolerance of homosexuals? (Again, I’m asking this genuinely because I want to learn and get other people’s opinions. I’m not trying to speak for any community, and I recognize that my personal opinion on this matter is just that: my opinion. And I could be better informed.)

Along the lines of the above paragraph, is it wrong to say or think that casting a non-minority actor in a minority role is a lot different from casting a straight actor in a gay role? Sexuality comes in all shapes, sizes, and colors; that is to say, every race has people with different sexualities. But I think it would be pretty cringe if a Caucasian actress was cast in a role meant for an Asian or African-American woman. 

Director Joe Mantello told Sky News the casting was not intentional, but rather a "very fortunate series of events".

He continued: "That being said, I think having an out gay cast really did inform the work and it took on a particular kind of tone because of that, which is not to say that's the only way to approach this material. But for this particular group, it did something that I think is very, very special. There's a chemistry that they have."

And this man summed up my entire argument! He also put into simpler terms what I have been trying to express about the beauty of theatre: there will always be special casts, especially when there’s a great chemistry from a shared experience. A "very fortunate series of events,” indeed. “The casting was not intentional...” leads me to believe that the director didn’t set out to have an all out-gay-cast, but rather, each actor brought great performances to their auditions and were considered by the director to be perfect for the roles. These actors also just happened to be gay.

If you’re still here after all of that, let me take a moment to sincerely thank you for reading the whole thing! I know it’s a lot, but I’m very passionate about acting and giving each and every actor a fair chance. Let me know what you think, and please be respectful!

[riversofmars]

Happy Sunday, everyone!! <3 Here is the next encounter of the “Big, Vast, Complicated and Ridiculous“ Series! Round two at Luna U... just a bit earlier! ;)

Rating: General

Word Count: 1800

Read on AO3 or below

Luna University Part II

“Mind out!“ The Doctor stumbled back into the broom closet she’d parked and hidden her TARDIS in. The warning came just in time as someone zoomed past on a hoover board, nearly taking her head off.

“Alright then…“ The Doctor closed the closet door quickly in the hopes no-one would notice where she’d come from. She looked around and wondered if she’d taken a wrong turn in the vortex somewhere. Luna University - which this quite clearly was, she recognised the corridor from her visit just now - resembled a mad house. The corridor was a mess, there were paper cups and spilled drinks, abandoned books, half eaten dinners and items of clothing. “Oh no…“ The Doctor winced as she realised where and most importantly when she had arrived: Fresher’s week.

Slowly the Doctor made her way down the corridor, unsure of what to do next. River had to be here somewhere… She rolled up the manuscript and stuck it into her coat pocket for safe keeping. If she had calculated correctly and the TARDIS hadn’t messed with her flight plan again, River should be in her final year of her degree. An upper classman who surely should be above something as silly as freshmen parties… but this was River Song as a uni student… Young, wild… and currently downing a drink at some speed as the Doctor reached the communal area of the the student halls.

“Where… do-do you put all… that…“ The student River had apparently been competing with could hardly get his words out right and he spilled the remainder of his drink across the table.

River jumped out of the way of the liquid and laughed, shaking out her impressive mane of hair.

“I have a theory that in addition to an extra heart, there’s also an extra liver hiding in there somewhere.“ River retorted with a winning smile drawing laughter from the surrounding students.

The Doctor hung back, watching. River appeared to be in her element. Loud, bold, people were fawning over her and she was loving the attention. The Doctor chuckled to herself a little, remaking again on the vast contrast to the River she’d last met. It was remarkable how much she had changed with time and how much she had stayed the same as well.

“But before we go for another round, I do have one question…“ River took a sip of the gin and tonic  someone handed to her. “You, Darling, don’t go to this university, I would have noticed.“ River turned to look at the Doctor who jumped, startled, not expecting her to notice her at all. “So what are you doing here?“

“I uhh…“ The Doctor didn’t know what to say, she looked around to make sure River was actually referring to her. Suddenly all eyes were on her as she hovered in the doorway.  

“I mean, I’m not one to complain when a cute girl turns up on my doorstep…“ River smirked making her way over, leaving her admirers behind disappointed.

“River…“ The Doctor forced a smile, wondering how to best approach this situation. She thought back to the Maldovarium. River had indicated she’d met her then so this must have been that encounter.

“I see my reputation precedes me as usual.“ River smirked, flicking her hair over her shoulder. “And you are?“ She placed her hand on the doorframe, baring her way.

“Jane… Smith…“ The Doctor answered slowly, trying to keep the chronology intact.

“You expect me to believe that, Jane Smith?“ River burst out laughing as she seized her up. “Why have I never seen you around campus before?“

“Recent transfer.“ The Doctor retorted quickly, feeling the pressure.

“Is that so.“ River tilted her head to one side and grinned like a cheshire cat. “What is it you study, Jane Smith?“

“Archeology.“ The Doctor answered, hoping that was her best play.

“Isn’t that one hell of a coincidence.“ River hummed, stepping a little closer still. Close enough to make the Doctor inch back nervously.

“Yes, I know, that’s why I… I was hoping we could talk… professionally.“ The Doctor glanced over her future wife’s shoulder to the other students that were watching curiously.

“Well, Sweetie, you can talk to me any time but no promises I’ll be keeping it professional…“ River husked with a smirk that made the Doctor blush and her hearts beat a little faster. So this was what young River Song was like. She hadn’t had much of a chance to get to know her at the Maldovarium but maybe there was an opportunity now… The Doctor had just spent a wonderful night with her wife but still, she was drawn to this brazen version of her just as strongly. The River she had seen just now she’d known very well, but this young River, she didn’t, at all.

If the Doctor didn’t give herself away, as the older River had suggested, it would be a glimpse at what she was like when she thought no-one was watching. When she didn’t have to be good River Song, the wife of the Doctor, but her unpolished, unfinished self… so full of energy and mischief. It was alluring in a totally different way to the loving safety and warm comfort her older wife had given her.

“Well, maybe you don’t have to.“ The Doctor found herself saying, silencing all her contradicting thoughts about what she should or shouldn’t do. Why not live a little?

“How about that drink then, Jane Smith?“ River appeared delighted, she reached out and ran her fingers along one of her yellow braces.

“Sure, yeah…“ The Doctor nodded, her throat was getting rather dry after all.

“Outstanding.“ River grinned and went to fetch her a drink. The Doctor remained standing in the doorway, unsure whether to follow her or not. She felt everybody’s eyes on her and it was making her uncomfortable. “There you are.“ River returned moments later, placing a glass in the palm of her hand before stroking her fingers up the Doctor’s arm with a grin.

“How about we take it somewhere more quiet so we can talk?“ The Doctor asked, very much aware of their audience and she wanted to have River to herself. River raised her eyebrows with a smirk, this was infinitely more easy than she had anticipated but she wasn’t going to complain.

“Come along then.“ She grabbed the Doctor’s hand and pulled her down the corridor to a chorus of disappointed calls of the students they were abandoning.

From there, things happened very quickly, quicker than the Doctor had anticipated. River shoved her up against her dorm room door once she’d closed it and assaulted her lips with her own. The Doctor gasped, overwhelmed, spilling her drink over the both of them.

“Ah well, that’s a shame, we’re gonna have to take our clothes off now.“ River smirked. She slid her jacket off her shoulders and threw it onto her chair, then pulled her tank top over her head and off. The Doctor just stared at her, her head spinning. It was silly really, she knew every inch of her wife’s body very well but the way this young River was advancing towards her, flipping her hair back…

“I uhh…“ The Doctor tired her best to look at her face, not her lacy bra. Her mouth went dry.

“Something the matter, Sweetie?“ River hummed as she slowly pushed the Doctor’s coat off her shoulders, she pressed her lips to her throat, trailing wet kisses down to her collar bone. The coat fell to the floor and River pushed her hands under the Doctor’s t-shirt, running her fingers up her stomach.

“Oh crap…“ The manuscript the Doctor had left in her coat pocket had fallen out and spilled over the floor. The Doctor pulled away from River and bent down to pick it up before the pages could get mixed up.

“Lost something?“ River asked in amusement, watching her scramble around the floor. She bent down as well and picked up a couple of pages. “What’s this?“ River frowned, her voice suddenly far more serious as she skimmed the pages. “Is this some kind of a joke?“

“Uhh… no, this is…“ The Doctor didn’t really know what to say, she hadn’t gotten as far as that in her planning of this trip. Was she supposed to just tell her her future self sent this with kind regards?

“Cause this is exactly the topic I’m planning to write my thesis on, I’ve got notes detailing this section and… What is this? Where did you get it?“ There was no small measure of distrust in River’s voice now as she demanded an explanation.

“This is actually why I’m here…“ The Doctor decided it was best to just come clean, she knew River would be able to tell if she was lying. “There is someone out there that wants you to have it. Save you some time…“ She tried to explain.

“Someone? I haven’t told anyone about my topic yet!“ River countered.

“Well, it’s not just anyone…“ The Doctor gave an apologetic smile but River’s expression just grew more suspicious. “Okay fine, your future self asked me to take this to you. You wrote this yourself but a long time from now. Happy?“ The Doctor sighed, hoping the revelation wouldn't have any consequences. She figured technically, River would eventually have to find out it was her that wrote the thesis for herself, so she would know to write it in the future.

“That… does sound like something I would do…“ River admitted taking the rest of the papers, mulling over whether or not to believe her.

“I’m just the messenger.“ The Doctor held her hands up defensively. “You do with this what you like.“

“So… if you know my future self… you must be from my future, too.“ River stood up and so did the Doctor.

“Oh, no, no, who’s to say your future self didn’t come to visit me?“ The Doctor countered quickly, she knew she shouldn’t be telling her too much.

“I’m saying that.“ River pointed out, jabbing the pages at her. “And that means, either you have access to time travel or you know someone that does!“

“Now listen… River…“ The Doctor could virtually see the gears turning in her future wife’s head.

“Who are you?“ River asked suspiciously. “Your name is not Jane Smith, that’s for sure.“

“I think I best get going.“ The Doctor picked up her coat quickly. “This was great, really nice, but…“ She fumbled with the door knob.

“How did you get here? What’s your means of travel?“ River carried on, intrigued. “And how will we know each other?“

“I was really hoping we could have a bit more time for this one…“ The Doctor sighed, realising this was just another fleeting moment. “Sorry about this.“ She knocked the pile of papers out of River’s hand, sending them flying to distract her future wife long enough so she could bolt.

[staggeringsmite]

HELLO! just finished properly listening to your (amazing!) corruption arc playlist! I have many thoughts, and so I wanted to ask you about specific moments and/or characters that you associate with songs (as mentioned in your tags), as I am simply SO intrigued. (did you have certain songs that were added for certain character(s)? were any songs for specific what if's? etc.) also, please consider this a free pass to ramble about anything related to the playlist that you wish. it is SO excellent!!

AHHHH!! thank you jade (both for the compliment and the free space to yell about my thoughts here because when i get playlist brainrot i get it Bad <3) // the playlist in question

i think i'm genuinely going to do a song-by-song thoughts below the cut, but here are some overview thoughts/associations if you don't wanna read all of that or don't have the time!

overall this started with athena by nova twins! i thought the sp*der imagery and overall vibe was great for a more sinister look at the wacky (mostly) chaotic neutral party as they are, just going full lolth. i wanted the pacing to be semi-slow and then drop into the more rock-heavy reckless villain-y section before moving into a (?) bittersweet? i guess? end that feels a bit more like a question mark of if it was worth it.

i think this party is full of extremely interesting motivations to side with an evil power for their own gain/the benefit of the people they care about, and each one of them has a very complex relationship with that so things spun wildly out of control as a thought about this.

for songs i associate with specific characters here's an overview, but you'll notice there aren't a lot for fy'ra rai or orym which i get into a bit more in the song-by-song:

all: i come with knives, into the spin, steady/steady, control, bad dreams / lolth: million years, athena, diggers / dariax: diggers, plenty, hollow / dorian: athena, grenadine, dangerous / fearne: plenty, you should see me in a crown, black wave / fy'ra rai: home / opal: home, grenadine, black wave, you should see me in a crown / orym: i'm not calling you a liar, dangerous

song-by-song >:)

1. i come with knives (acoustic) - this song, zoowee, so i went with the acoustic version because i think it's a nice slow but sinister start and it very much gave me the feeling of whenever you begin as a character to question taking this kind of power, that is a Source yes that you can do whatever with but is rooted in temptation and associated with evil, is there any real justification for that which is not in some part selfish. "i come with knives and agony to love you" if that isn't the chosen ones to a T in their overall reasoning for even considering a deal with lolth. and as much as that may be rooted in care, and wanting to be strong and powerful enough to protect the people they care about, it is a painful way to love when you really choose that path once and for all.

2. into the spin - this one is based on "slow climb but quick to descend" and i love the instrumentation as a part of the overall vibe, but it's about sowing the seed here. planting even a hint of consideration in accepting the power of the circlet and lolth's words is going to need time for the person to mull it over, but once it's on it is On baby.

3. million years - this is what i mean by All In Baby, and while it isn't the playlists narrative point of anyone actually accepting the power for good, it is a glimpse intended to shake things up after an 8 minute slow start with the first two songs, and this is all about lolth who is a Chaotic Evil entity, who is a reckless and hauntingly destructive force <3

4. home - "everything you made will end up broken" i think this song to fy'ra rai is more of an omen, of everything that she cannot fix but wants to, knowing that she cannot make choices for the group and seeing the potential path they could wind up on and knowing that fundamentally if they go that way it is their decision no matter how much it will hurt her - for opal there is SOMETHING about the tone of this song that feels very much like her, and the complete lack of care it seems to have to rattle off mundane things to the intimate drama of the place, to omens, to demands/declarations i think it shows her personality well and how that pairs with a chaotic neutral entity being offered something like the power of the circlet

5. steady, steady - idk if this is necessarily everyone but the mix of you know when you're ready and i am ready to be the one, this is the song about taking the leap and grabbing for power and/or fy'ra rai and orym's feelings of diving in with them or resisting/leaving them

6. diggers - for lolth this is just the consistent "i've been waiting for you" in the bg which i found fun and disconcering but also i think this is the perfect party and perfect storm for her to convince someone to use the circlets power >:) - for dariax! it seems with what we know he doesn't really know that he is a divine soul sorcerer? unless that is a show he is putting up. still, i feel like him carrying the circlet is Very interesting as someone with a divine bloodline who is in a way being given/chosen for that type of power holding onto this artifact born from evil and perhaps being tempted by it & i think this song works as an interesting back and forth for him with the strange double-entity grab for him in a way

7. athena - truly just a banger that fit the vibes wayyyy too well and started this whole thing, it's loud and reckless and out for blood babey <3 - i think i associate it with dorian mostly because i also associate it with lolth and he is the closest to really taking that leap in canon (and also probably the first one the go if we're following this playlist like a story with everyone/most everyone going corrupt, though it can be read truly infinite ways these are just compiled songs) i think it has a certain flair and appeal that just makes me Feel like it's the song that would play the second dorian puts the circlet on (which! fun fact! decreases your charisma by 2! have fun beloved bard!) - i think it's a very intense conversation

8. i’m not calling you a liar - okayokayokay it's orym thought time bc there are sooo many worlds and routes for orym here and i truly have no idea where he would even end up in this hypothetical. do i think that orym loves these guys and wants to protect them? yes. do i think that he may genuinely take the pain of loving them and keep his morals by walking away and/or turning on them if they all go evil? maybe. do i think he also might love them enough to throw that away? maybe. in a party of all chaotic neutrals besides him without fy'ra rai he is surprisingly the wild card here. while they have each other and no one else, he has the teachings and wisdom of the voice of the tempest and a moral compass that does not align with theirs at all. so, something has to give! dorian's slide into chaotic neutral was natural, but i think orym would be giving up Much More of himself to let himself slide from neutral good to chaotic neutral. i have no answers only sad, sad hypotehtical questions and scenarios so i will just, leave you with "and i love you so much, i'm gonna let you kill me." - this song also comes here before the storm of the 3-5 because whatever way he goes i think orym sees it all happen before anyone else does.

9. grenadine - Do Not Tell Me You Couldn't Hear villainous opal and dorian say the lines "what a big heart i have, i'll be your savior now. what a real catch i am, all the more to pull you down." - i see this song as playful but more genuine for dorian in terms of Truly Really believing any action he does to protect his friends is justified and good to him in his eyes whereas this is a very playful song for a villainous opal - they both give off this vibe strongly though (could see this one for fearne as well but don't have a good a justification)

10. black wave - helloooooo my favorite druid and warlock?? going apeshit with power? more so than they already are on a day-to-day basis (esp given episode 6 combat)? that's what this song is about. "stumbling down the street i swear to god you don't wanna test me" - i also think they both have an interesting question with "what do i believe?" with fearne being of the feywild which is a place of considerably different moral standing to exandria and opal being so young that she doesn't have the world figured out at all <3 terrifying and upsetting when you get into those questions on a corruption arc <3

11. you should see me in a crown - okay i knooooow this one is on the dorian playlist BUT vibes for my brutal babes <333 something about opal’s whole personality and fearne confronting the mirror self But eventually choosing/heading down the path anyway?? impeccable i love it there’s very few other thoughts here

12. control - OKAY not only does this song Fuck but i put it as party wide because i think it transitions nicely into the end of the mix which is more of the “questioning this decision after going all in but not being able to turn back/was it all worth it in the end?” part - i mostly love the “though i like the idea of providence... i’m in love with control” repeated because! i think the circlet is very interesting in that it has been iterated many times over that though it has connections to lolth and she has some claim/twisted abilities with it, it IS just a power source. so, the idea of going all in and accepting this power is an incredibly interesting dilemma of “who’s in charge here? did you really put it on/would you have without these dreams and lolth’s influence? are you really in control?” i think this song really represents that admission/delusion of control in this situation.

13. plenty - okay this song in any context is just my Feywild/Faerie Vibe song so i think this trails back to my feelings about fearne leaning into that different set of fey morals along a corruption arc, and as for dariax i think this is about abundance! following through that mixture of divine power source and chaotic evil god origin over dariax and his chaotic history of vast and varied experiences in emon, i think this very much befits a corrupt version of him.

14. dangerous - this song makes me insane, and the first reason i put it on the mix was the “the dead are true believers. rest assured. we are all believers” really just made me think of a terrible and cinematic moment of them discovering the circlet with the dead aboard the ship ESP in the context of this playlist’s narrative where that was the point they were destined to claim its power and go through their corruption arc - “how does it feel to be your own deceiver?” is the main reason and feeling as for why i made this a dorian song as well in line with “don’t worry i would do anything for my friends.” bc i personally find dorian’s corruption arc to be disillusioned with his own intentions and takes a lot of convincing himself that taking this power for his friends is noble in the scope of this group’s collective morals and self-interest in keeping each other safe and prosperous so <3

15. hollow - woowee dariax corruption, at least in this scope, i think is very frightening to me in that i think he’s going full maximalist, abundant, greedy, impulsive chaotic evil if we’re realllly leaning into a villain arc but still many of those things if we’re just going “this group is the only thing that matters and i’ll do anything for them no matter the cost” - i also think this song has a tone of resentment towards this? apprehension a bit? recognizing that this is how the person singing is but not entirely enjoying or feeling justified in it? as impulsive as dariax is, i think he cares A Lot, and is even a character i could see pulling a reverse dorian and going chaotic good in a different story than we’re in? “so simple when i was younger” and “i’d be a dancer of a different tune” really give me angsty dariax vibes in the height of his corruption arc

16. bad dreams - “don't you worry about your bad dreams cause I'm not in them. don't you worry about what change brings cause you can't stop it.” WOOF i don’t know that this one really needs to be explained but it’s the climax and the descent all in one of the party/corrupted individual being too far gone in their decision to step back or be saved. i think the tone of the song lends itself well to a mixture of uncaring but also giving some question to if they regret it or not based on the narration of the crowd against them.

[bookandcover]

I feel I need to start this writing response with several context points, in the synergistic space among which I’ll frame my analysis of this book.

Context 1: I almost didn’t read this book. I wasn’t sure I wanted to and whether I would be comfortable reading it. This was because of limited context about the book itself, paired with reading JK Rowling’s Twitter comments from last year. I did not like nor agree with what JK Rowling said on Twitter adjacent to topics of transgender identity and experiences. Her comments made me unhappy and uncomfortable, and I’ve thought about her comments a lot because they came from someone I respected and admired. Her first comment I saw—questioning the title of an article about providing accessible products for “those who menstruate” (an area of need during the pandemic)—seemed simply ignorant to me, not intended to be cruel nor targeted. But her subsequent actions—arguing with others on Twitter, defending her original point—seemed to reveal a narrow-mindedness, self-superiority, and unwillingness to listen to others who know what they’re talking about. This approach (basically the Twitter-tantrum) is one that I feel sensitive to (it reminds me, in the worst way, of the behavior of our recent ex-President on the same platform…)

Context 2: After witnessing the Twitter-tantrum, I heard this book included a transgender serial killer. That did not seem like a good look on someone who had made ignorant and stubborn comments on Twitter about transgender identities: creating one (1) transgender character and making that character a villain. This is why I was hesitant about reading this book.

Context 3: I read a lot of books. I believe that you do not need to agree with someone to read what they have to say. If we agreed with everyone we read, we would not read in a way that expands our minds and adds nuance to our own views. Do I also fundamentally believe that we should not financially support nor enable those who are racist, sexist, homophobic, transphobic, and who use their platforms to spread hatred? Yes, I believe this strongly. I also believe that all of us are racist, sexist, homophobic, transphobic, and many other things we’ve been trained by society to be (there are, of course, significant degrees within this). Yet, I believe we are capable of growth, of learning, of compassion with each other and with ourselves. While JK Rowling’s comments and what I had heard about this book made me uncomfortable, I was still open to reading it. I recognize that this is, in big part, because I was not as hurt by her comments as others must have been.

Context 4: This book does not seem to include a transgender character. The serial killer turns out to be a relatively minor character (compared to my expectations for his role). He is not transgender. He is always masculine gendered. He occasionally dresses as a woman in order to approach women in a non-threatening way, in the process of kidnapping them. He is presented as smart, strategic, and an advanced planner, and his women’s garments are described as part of that strategy and not part of his identity (although, now I’m wondering whether JK Rowling thinks this does mean the character is transgender??) Dennis Creed also fools others beyond his victims with his occasional disguises used when kidnapping women. A bystander in the case Robin and Strike investigate does not intervene nor call the police when she sees two women struggling in the street, unlike how she might if she saw an assumed “man” struggling with an assumed “woman.” Yes, this serial killer’s attack strategy seems to connect to gender assumptions we make about others, and there’s the possibility that this portrayal of a man dressing as a woman in order to attack women could be interpreted as complaint against allowing transgender women into female safe spaces, like bathrooms (I felt like this would be a stretch based on only the text, but I definitely wonder given Rowling’s larger commentary). However, I feel that if I read this book without knowing it was written by JK Rowling, I wouldn’t have found anything particularly objectionable in it, nor would I have thought it was commenting on transgender identity and experiences.

None of this context is to say that I condone JK Rowling’s words on Twitter in any way, shape, or form; what she said was unacceptable, hurtful, and ignorant. She ought to have apologized and then promptly educated herself. But I was surprised that this book was pigeon-holed (I felt) in its tagline. I can’t imagine that the internet uproar that the book included a transgender serial killer was the conclusion of someone who actually read the book (and I find that surface-level assumption about a book concerning in its own way—the internet loves to flock to the sensationalist version of any half-truth). I didn’t come to an easy conclusion, in spite of this, about whether I ought to condone the book itself. JK Rowling’s comments made me not want to support her financially by buying the book, nor emotionally by reading it and spending my time on it.

Moving now past this larger context and my conflicting feelings about the ethics of reading this book, I did find this book a bit underwhelming. This book is LONG (927 pages) and I felt it could have benefited from stricter editing in some places. It didn’t really feel that long, as it has an, at times, nearly chatty tone—the characters move smoothly through their lives and conversations—and it’s easy reading, easy pacing, easy to go along with. This had the effect, to me, of making the book a bit flat. Not flat in a boring way, because it was easy to read and I kept just coasting through it, but flat in an emotional way. The part that got my heart racing the most was definitely the scene when Robin, in disguise, is nearly caught by Luca Ricci when he visits his gangster father in an up-scale nursing home. I clenched my hands around the book in fear throughout this scene, feeling like Luca Ricci was walking behind me, looking at me, as he loomed near Robin. It was harrowing.

The relatability of Robin is definitely the ongoing high point of this series for me. As another thirty-year-old tall blond woman who is way more ready to prioritize career than family, it’s not hard to see myself in Robin. I love her resilience and her quiet confidence. I love her increasing conviction that she is being her true self through her work. I love her struggle against the expectations of others, when she so clearly knows herself. It’s easy for me to want to emulate her. On top of her character, her job is one that’s also easy for me to romanticize. I have always loved mysteries, spies, disguises, complex human psychology, word puzzles, and piecing together hints and evidence. I loved whooping my family members’ butts in Clue as a kid. I love traveling and anything I see as an adventure (growing up, I was a huge dare devil—throwing myself off high dives, picking the scariest rides at amusement parks—until I got hurt a lot as a teenager and mellowed out some). I was definitely driven to romanticize some of these activities because my parents and sister were all deeply afraid of heights, which I found funny. Robin’s professional driving skills is about all it took for me to gasp aloud in awe and admiration. (I’d be lying if I said I haven’t imagined myself as Robin when I’m driving my Toyota Corolla, which is not a glamorous car, but mine is a glamorous COLOR, which is why I picked it). Robin has an awesome job, and she tackles it with grace, and the more strength she assembles, the more self-conviction, the more I love and admire her.

Robin and Strike’s characters are going through one of the slowest slow burns I’ve ever read in a book series. And, while I love a good slow-burn romance, I definitely have some mixed feelings about this one. Item 1: Earlier on in the series, I didn’t want Robin’s character to have a romantic plot line with Strike because of all the cool other things going on with her character development. I think I’m over that, especially in this book, because it’s increasingly clear here how well Robin and Strike’s particularities complement each other. Item 2: Are they better as friends? This seems to be the big central question of this book. They’ve gotten much better at expressing how much they mean to each other. Strike tells Robin that she’s his best friend (this was a great scene) and Robin’s confidence grows through understanding how central she is to functioning of the agency. She learns more about how she needs to operate differently than Strike as a leader within this space (yay for the scene where Morris is fired!) She both emulates and admires Strike, but also increasingly carves her own path. She doesn’t need to equalize their relationship, but she does need to equalize them in the eyes of others, and we see that characters from Morris to the unbearable C.B. Oakden undermine Robin’s equality by focusing on her relative youth and her gender. Would a romance between Robin and Strike reverse some of their own productive effort to equalize their relationship? This seems to be something both characters fear, as well. I do love seeing these two characters grow together—it seems like they’re working out each other’s love languages, understanding how best to express the other’s worth and their own care for each other in a way that is understood and appreciated by them both (there’s a big growth between Strike getting Robin flowers for her 29th birthday and taking her for drinks at the Ritz for her 30th). And this growth actually seems to form the backbone of the novel.

Is this, though, a relationship growth that is inherently romantic? The line seems to be slipping closer and closer to “yes.” I find loving platonic friendships to be very rewarding and very worth examining in literature, and I love a good slow burn, but something about the inconclusive status of this relationship is starting to wear on me. I think I wish it would either settle on the platonic side clearly, so we could explore the interesting things about that space, or progress on the romantic side, which has been a long time coming. I think part of my frustration here is that the growth of this relationship is, as I’ve said, the true arc of this novel. The change in these characters IS the arc because there’s not another one, and I think this deficiency contributes to the flatness of this book for me.

My favorite of the five Cormoran Strike books was number four, so I do think part of the anticlimactic feel of this firth book was the experience of reading this following book 4. Lethal White, as explained in my post on this book from a few years back, felt like it blazed new ground to me, in terms of what a murder mystery novel could do and be, and how it could unfold. I had a lot of sympathy for that murderer. The reveal was not about cracking the case, so much as it was about understanding human experience and context. Trouble Blood, though, felt reminiscent of book 2 as a narrative arc. I wasn’t particularly engaged by the reveal of the murderer—What was new about this character as the murderer? What could this show or explore? These felt like dead end questions to me. I was also confused by this character’s acceptance of their upcoming very public trial when they had so successfully enjoyed satisfaction from the shadows for decades. Their motivations, too, seemed under-explored, put aside as the fanatic behavior of one person when it seemed there could perhaps be threads to comment on there. The emotional arc between Robin and Strike didn’t seem particularly interwoven with their systematic solving of this cold case. Therefore, the joy of this plot had to be in the reveal itself, in the unspooling of the mystery…and this one just didn’t do it for me. I know the bar is high—from The Cuckoo’s Calling onward, we knew Robert Galbraith could spin a tightly woven tale—but what’s the point if all that this is is tightly (well, no longer so tightly) woven plot?

Robin feels an emotional connection with Margot Bamborough and I think we’re asked by the book to care about her, an ambitious woman who worked toward her dreams only to have these cut short, but she just never seemed that vivid to me. Less vivid than say Pat, the opinionated office secretary who I liked a lot. The best of the book was in the subtleties—Pat’s change of heart about Strike, Strike’s relationship with Joan as she’s dying, Strike fully letting go of his emotional ties to Charlotte (I guess that was something we really needed to see happen, him letting her go and actually changing his phone number), and Robin and Strike’s conversation where they affirm their best friend status (very wholesome). Overall, I wanted more from this book. It felt very realistic, very “slice of life,” but I’m not sure we come to the murder mystery genre for realism (more drama please!) But the book was nevertheless enjoyable, in a smooth way, like a story a friend tells you—easy to hear and to internalize, with two main characters you want to root for, but more out of familiarity and habit than because of what’s at stake for them in Troubled Blood.

[engekihaikyuu]

Hyper Projection Engeki Haikyuu

Sparkle vol. 38 - Interview Translation with Daigo Kotarou and Akana Ryuunosuke

======

So you were picked for the roles at auditions.  Tell us honestly, what did you think in the moment that was decided? Daigo: I buy Shounen Jump every week and I’ve enjoyed reading Haikyuu since its very first week in publication.  I felt really blessed and happy that I could be involved in a production that I love.   Akana: For me, this audition was my introduction to Haikyuu, so I started reading the manga and studied it leading up to it.  I wasn’t sure what would be best to do for the audition, and I fumbled a lot but I did my best in my own way, so when I heard that I was chosen for the part, I was really happy.

======

Full interview translation and more photos under the Read More! Please do not repost my translations or scans.

For the two of you, this play would be how you met, correct? Daigo: Yes!  My first impression of him was... well, he was incredible. Akana: Hang on a second!! (laughs) Daigo: When we were getting fitted for our costumes, he’d forgotten to wear underwear. Akana: I had an actual reason for that!  It was winter, and I tend to get really cold so before bed, I put on thermal leggings.  I forgot that I wasn’t wearing underwear under the leggings, and the next day I just put pants on over my leggings... Daigo: When I saw him like that, I thought to myself, “I wonder if this is going to turn out okay...” (laughs)

And you hadn’t really gotten to know each other yet? Akana: Well that was our first meeting. Daigo: I couldn’t say anything so all I could do was smile awkwardly. (laughs)

And when did you two start to be as comfortable with each other as you seem to be now? Daigo: Pretty soon, I think? Akana: We started getting closer around the second time we met.  I knew I must have made a bad first impression and I was really worried about it, but I’m glad that we were able to become friends. (laughs)  I even made sure to wear a stomach band... Daigo: That wasn’t exactly necessary. (laughs) Akana: We’re the same age, so we can talk to each other pretty easily and comfortably.

In taking over this production that your senpai have guarded carefully until now, Daigo-san, you had said that you’re “positively bursting into flame” with excitement, but don’t you also feel pressure as well? Daigo: I don’t feel any particular pressure or nervousness.  Of course, the Engeki Haikyuu that Suga Kenta-san and the previous cast created was amazing!  But with a new generation of Karasuno cast swapping in, we’d rather take advantage of this opportunity, and even Worry Kinoshita-san said that he wants to take the play in a different direction, so I just want to aim for making something new that’s different from before.  “It was fun before, but this is fun too, both are interesting,” is what I’m hoping people will say.   Akana: I do actually feel a bit of pressure... (laughs)  I don’t want to disappoint the fans of the manga, so I’d like to do my best to stay true to my character while also letting a bit of myself shine through.

In your acting, what’s something about your character that you consider especially important? Daigo: Since we have this opportunity to play a character in real life with real people, I think it’s important to try and portray things that aren’t in the manga or the anime.  When we played actual volleyball, everyone around me was around 180cm to 2m in height.  And for me to be 167cm tall among them, I was at an overwhelming disadvantage.  For Hinata to want to be on the front lines even so, I want to imagine what must be running through his head that’s not drawn into the manga.

Do you imagine those things while reading the script? Daigo: Yes I do.  I believe it adds to the persuasiveness of the acting.  I want to play my version of Hinata that’s a little different from the anime and manga.   Akana: My character Kageyama is “a genius that can do anything.”  But even so, underneath that, Kageyama does put in a lot of work and has a lot of troubles.  That’s what I want to be able to express.  Kageyama might seem more competent than Hinata, but they’re the same when it comes to how hard they work and how they both go all out.  Even if he seems cool, I want to make sure I express his love and his affection for volleyball too.  

Daigo-san, you’ve also been the lead for a Yowamushi Pedal stage play.  Do you have any advice for Akana-san, who’s making his actor’s debut with this production? Akana: Uwahh!  I love this!   Daigo: ...not really. Akana: He’s got nothing for me!! Daigo: Hahaha!  I’m kidding. (laughs)  This is difficult, but there’s definitely a give-and-take between how we want to play our characters and what the audience wants to see from us.  When I was in Yowamushi Pedal, I’d watch the audience’s reactions and I’d end up wondering to myself, should I lean into the character a little bit more or should I back off from how I’ve been doing things?  But lately I’ve been able to learn a lot by acting together with Oguri Shun-san and trying a lot of different approaches, and by the end I came to feel quite strongly that at the end of the day, performing is our job as actors.  It’s important to keep our audience in mind and act accordingly, but it’s not good if their opinion is all you think about.   Akana: I see... Daigo: I think in order to embody a character fully, what you’re thinking influences how well you play the character.  So if you’re thinking, do I resemble my character right now?  No?  Every time you think about those things, you won’t be in the moment.  The actor doesn’t exist, the character does, in a sense.  After I started thinking about it like that, I felt like it got a little easier. Akana: I can’t believe you gave me such a careful answer!  I’m so happy.  I’ve been holding this bread in my hand because I was thinking about eating it, but then I got so absorbed in what you were saying, I couldn’t eat it... Daigo: Just eat it! (laughs) Akana: All joking aside, I am really happy that you gave me that advice.  And once we start rehearsals too, I feel like I’m going to learn even more things than what I heard just now.  I’m going to watch how my castmates perform, steal what I can, and keep growing and learning from now on.  

I’m looking forward to seeing how much you’ll have grown once the tour is over. Daigo: That’s true!  He might change quite a bit or he might not change at all... We won’t know until we try.  Before I worked as a voice actor for “Weathering with You,” I didn’t really used to have hopes about how I’d turn out after a production was over.  But after I finished work on that, I could feel how much I’d grown and matured internally, so I’m sure that the same will be true after Engeki Haikyuu.  I think the natural result of living everyday carefully and conscientiously is connected to growth.   Akana: I believe that if you give your all in what you do, something will definitely change.  If you take each task one by one and challenge yourself, I think you’ll definitely grow by the end of it.  For now I just have to study like all hell!  After this tour is over, I hope I become more charismatic. Daigo: Okay, we’re done now. (laughs)

Hinata and Kageyama are rivals and teammates, but as the two of you work on this show, how will your particular combination turn out do you think? Daigo: I think he’s really funny, so I think he’ll be really popular! Akana: Hey, I’ve been trying to be really cool, so don’t go and say that I’m funny... Daigo: Hahaha!  I think if the two of us can be this rowdy in private, we’ll become a duo that can really have fun.  He messes around a lot!  He’s always messing around.  The only time he isn’t was in the first ten minutes. Akana: Stop stoooppp~!! (laughs)

What do you have in common? Daigo: We kind of talk about really useless things. (laughs)  Like, oh blank is really cool, this anime is really fun, or just stuff relevant to our generation.   Akana: That’s not really true for me actually. Daigo: Sure sure. (laughs)  Actually we might talk more about private things than we do about work.  We go out to eat with everyone after work too.  Just recently I thought to myself that we’re probably going to be long-time friends, and I think we’re both hoping that the time we spend together will be as fun as possible.   Akana: I’m gonna retweet that! Daigo: Don’t retweet that. (laughs)  

What’s something you respect about the other? Daigo: How he thinks about his fans.  Now that he’s starting to get popular, he’s always thinking about how to make his fans happy.  When I first heard that, I sort of wondered whether or not that was true, but he really does.  When he’s together with his group*, they’re always talking about “Oh if we do this next time, won’t they get really excited?” etc...  Apparently, his fans even appear in his dreams sometimes, and I’ve never really met someone who thinks so much about his fans so I was surprised.  Of course my fans are important people to me too, but they don’t appear in my dreams...  I think it’s really wonderful and it’s something I can respect. Akana: I think about my fans from when I wake up to when I go to sleep. Daigo: See, now that makes it seem like you’re lying!  But I mean if that’s true, then that’s kind of incredible... Akana: The group I’m affiliated with, VOYZ BOY* has about fifty boys, but our goal is to perform in Tokyo Dome within three years.  Even though we haven’t even put out a CD yet, which makes that goal fairly difficult to achieve.  But even so, we’re doing OK right now, so we think about our fans every day, and I think some of the reason is because of the flyers we pass out in person.  We have people whose dream it is to appear in a movie led by a really famous director, and I think a lot of us have individual dreams like that, but I’m really doing it because I want to see the fans’ smiles.  I feel a lot of satisfaction seeing that.  Maybe because handing out those flyers is really difficult. Daigo: It does seem difficult...   Akana: But I’m really happy if they take the trouble to come see us because of those flyers. Daigo: I feel like he’s a window into the world of working and performing in front of people.   Akana: Thank you very much.  It’s because my fans are all my girlfriend! Daigo: ...is that true? Akana: When I think about wanting to be in love, I read shoujo manga.  It’s like they’re all enjoying love in my stead.  But what I respect about you is, you’re so diligent, and I can really tell how much you love acting.  I genuinely believe that you must really love acting.  When he’s acting, his eyes light up you know!   Daigo: ...apparently. (laughs)

The show will be touring in Tokyo, Osaka, and Miyagi.  Akana-san, you’re from Osaka, so will it be deeply emotional for you to perform there? Akana: I’m really happy I’ll get to meet the fans in my hometown of Osaka, and I’m honestly so excited I can’t really put it into words!  To be able to stand on such a big stage in my home city is really really moving.   Daigo: It really would be.

If you were to show Daigo-san around, whereabouts would you go? Akana: First to my house... Daigo: Why?!  There are definitely more noteworthy sightseeing destinations!   Akana: I want you to clean my house for me. Daigo: Oh come on. (laughs) Akana: Where should I take you... Isn’t it actually kind of difficult to show someone around where you’re from?  Would USJ be good?  USJ is my backyard so I’d be ok then. Daigo: Please make sure you write this down?!  He’s literally saying, “USJ is my backyard!”   Akana: It’s my backyard!*  No but I actually do know the most efficient way to get around.

*Actually what he says is “My garden” in English (マイガーデン), taking a more literal translation of the word 庭.  

Daigo: Then I guess I’ll be relying on you!

There’s also a lot of gourmet food in Osaka... Akana: Oh that’s right.  My mom’s hamburg steak is super good! Daigo: I think we’re just gonna end up at his house. (laughs)  At this point we’re definitely just gonna end up at his house!  

You’ll go after you clean. Akana: Exactly, that’ll be your prize. Daigo: I don’t wanna. (laughs) Akana: I have a dog too! Daigo: What am I, your girlfriend?! Akana: Hahaha!  But even Tokyo has stuff like takoyaki, right? Daigo: I’d kind of like you to read the mood a bit better. Akana: Then would Tsutenkaku be good?   Daigo: Yes, that’s what I’m talking about!!   Akana: But I wouldn’t have as much fun... Is that what it means to show someone around your hometown? Daigo: That’s exactly what it means. (laughs)

=====

Translated by @nimbus-cloud Please do not repost my translations!  To me, this includes screenshots of bits and pieces taken out of context, especially if they don’t link back to me. 

If you appreciate the work I do for this blog and want to support my translation efforts, please consider donating a ko-fi!  (x)

If you’d like to buy the magazine that features the original interview, you can find it on Amazon JP: (x)

[hollenka99]

The One Where More People Die

Summary: Marvin confronts Anti and learns something he wishes he hadn’t.

Warnings: Mentions of death, murder and manipulation

Marvin is apprehensive when he approaches the door. He honestly shouldn't be involving his brother in his superhero issues. Still, he was hopeful Sean would talk sense into him. The meeting proceeds as usual with coffee and chatter on the sofa. Marvin takes advantage of a natural lull in conversation.

"If I kill Anti, will you forgive me?"

He has never seen such a double take of this magnitude. "Marv, that's- fuck. You know I've always got your back as your brother but holy shit. You can't just dump that question on me."

"I know, I know. I'm sorry. I just... I've been fighting this guy for years and he won't stop. Desperate times, desperate measures, you know?"

Sean places both his hands on Marvin's shoulders. "Listen to me, you are being super irrational right now. I get that you are extremely done with him, I do. But can you even hear yourself at the moment? Please tell me you can."

"One guy to s-"

"Oh no, we are not going there. Don't you dare start bringing these morality thought experiments into the conversation. This isn't some hypothetical situation, Marvin. This is real life. You are talking about killing an actual person. An extremely shitty person but still. I obviously can't speak from experience but I don't have to when I say it will fuck you up for a very long time. I am begging you, don't get your hands dirty. Hang on."

Sean abruptly heads to a mirror to scrutinise himself. When he goes to face his brother, he looks like a bootleg version of Anti. The hair's not long enough or the right shade of green. Nor is his skin as pallid as the true killer's. Also, Anti's ears seemed to be slightly pointed at the top, which Sean is probably not aware of. Still, for someone who has never seen Anti in person before, it's a decent attempt.

"Find a way to arrest me and get me to rot in jail. After all I've done, don't you think I deserve to?"

Marvin has stopped looking at his brother. Instead, he is pressing his face into his raised knees at the corner. "Please don't change into him. Come on, pretending to be him is a shitty thing to do."

"Yeah, no, you're... you're right." He returns to the sofa as himself before swinging an arm around Marvin's shoulder to pull him in. This would have to suffice as a conclusion to the subject for now.

----

Jackie is one of the first to witness Marvin's ecstasy when he is able to prevent one of Anti's attacks. It had been a chance encounter while he had been patrolling in the park. Anti's mistake was shifting prematurely. All it took was a small distraction to allow the potential kidnapping victim a chance to escape. Cat hadn't seen where the guy had run off to but at least he was safe. The only bad outcome was Anti disappearing from sight as well. Someone's life had been saved, Jackie encouraged him to focus on that.

Jackie decides to surprise him with cupcakes for when he comes home from a shift. The gesture goes down well. Marvin brings up his recent good deed again as they sample the baked goods. Jackie is really glad to see his friend in a better mood. He's seemed so stressed lately. Marvin won't confirm it but he can tell it's linked to his work as the Magnificent Cat.

Joel drops by to hang out with his Irish friends later on in the week. He certainly does his best to act as he does normally but it is clear something's on his mind. When Jackie temporarily walks outside the building for a smoke, he is surprised to see his friend follow him. They make small talk for a couple minutes before Jackie delicately questions whether Joel was okay. He reveals there'd been a death in the family, his grandfather. And no, seriously, there's no need to apologise out of sympathy. Joel rambles a little about the man before voicing an odd request. He asks about Jackie's father. Jackie doesn't understand how that will help things but there was no harm in humouring his grieving friend so fuck it. He's slightly taken aback by the fact this causes fresh tears to appear. It gets mentally brushed off as this being a highly emotional time for Joel.

Marvin interrupts the conversation when he calls down from the balcony for them to return already.

"I feel sorry for him. At least I knew this was coming for a while. Shit's going to hit the fan hard for him soon and he has no idea."

Joel doesn't elaborate. Jackie isn't sure he wants him to.

---

Jameson had better things to do on a Tuesday night than deal with his tormenter. Yet here the asshole was, dressed in skinny jeans and a dark t-shirt, leaning against the doorframe. Under different circumstances, perhaps the glowing red light that leaked into the hallway would have been pretty to notice. It's far from it when Jameson's swaying to music with his daughter in his arms gets rudely interrupted.

"Cool, huh? I think our meetings needed a bit of jazzing up. Where's Laura, by the way?"

"None of your concern." The radio transmits.

"Oh, we're doing this via radio?"

"I am holding a baby and I don't trust you to behave long enough for me to put her down. So yes, as much as I hate it, I am using a radio."

"Right. Well, anyway, the reason I'm here is because-"

"I am not your reset button. Fix your problems on your own."

"So you'll let a woman stay dead, knowing full well you could have saved her life?"

"I am not the one who killed her."

Anti does not appear to be impressed with this response. Arms still crossed, he walks in Jameson's direction. As he passes, clearly on the way to the front door, he delivers a side eye to the performer.

"You know the cool thing about having the gene? There's always something you can refine, explore or expand upon when it comes to your abilities. I suggest you keep that in mind."

Despite Anti's absence, Jameson doesn't feel like having fun this evening anymore.

---

Anti clearly wasn't too pleased about something. The news claims it doesn't know who is responsible for bodies showing up with evident trauma to the skull. Honestly, who else could it be? If Marvin's mind wasn't so preoccupied with recent developments, he may have noticed how suspicious it was to receive correspondence from his enemy shortly after venting to Sean about the new murders.

The note delivered personally by the sender to the apartment reads:

Alright Cat, town centre at 3 tomorrow?

Oh definitely. Marvin wouldn't miss this opportunity to end things once and for all if he tried.

Anti was a trickster, he already knew that. If there was somebody he could shift into, he would. And yet Cat was still momentarily shocked to find Jameson waiting for him. It's not him though. He can't exactly tell how he instantly knows but he does. The real Jameson is likely at home right now.

"Alright Anti, what are you trying to prove? You've already made it very clear you've done your research into my personal life. Why my cousin?"

The murderer begins speaking through his hands. "I'm sorry for not telling you sooner."

"No. Jameson can't speak and definitely wouldn't use his sound manipulation to pretend he could. You've been speaking the whole time I've known you. Do your homework more thoroughly before trying to frame him."

"Alright, you got me. Not Jameson. I wanted to have a little fun with it but I guess that's not going to happen."

No, it certainly wasn't. The door bursts open. Wind rushes in. Anti is thrown to the floor. The Magnificent Cat wastes no time ensuring he remains there. Weight on the chest, hand at the throat and fist raised to potentially target the face. A moment passes as Anti processes the rapid succession of events. That's when he resorts to the worst tactic. The person Cat threatens now looks like Sean.

"How dare you." He feels the cheekbone for a second when his knuckle connects with it. "Stop looking like my brother."

"It's me!"

"He is the last person you should shift into if you want me to listen." The nose is targeted.

"Marvin please."

"Shut the fuck up."

"It's me, I swear. It's actually me." Anti is beginning to produce crocodile tears now. As if that would work on Cat.

"Why the hell should I believe you?"

Anti wriggles his fingers. They spark slightly. Cat misses this detail, preoccupied with glowering. He certainly pays attention when Anti causes his own hair to stand as he moves his hands around it. Sean loved performing that trick when they were younger. Oh shit. Marvin rapidly removes himself from his brother.

The situation de-escalated, the two brothers allow themselves to have the past few minutes catch up with them. Marvin sits with his knees up, one arm around them while the other rests on his forehead. Sean, meanwhile, remains on his back while covering his entire face with his hands. His nose is bleeding as a result of the hit. They breathe.

"Are you alright? I'm s-"

"Oh, sure." The hands are moved so they don't obstruct his mouth anymore. Now the heels of them are being pressed into his eyes. "My baby brother just punched me in the face a few times but yeah, doing grand." Arms flopping to the side, Sean turns his head to face Marvin. "But would we be brothers if we didn't have fights?"

"Don't joke about that."

"I'd honestly take being beat up over having a knife aimed at me."

"I'm so sorry. I thought he shifted into you to try get me at a disadvantage. I-"

"Stop. We'll be here all night."

Eyes still springing tears, Sean forces himself to sit upright. Marvin takes this as his cue to strongly embrace his brother. Sean reciprocates the pressure following a moment of surprise. The brothers remain in each other's hold for as long as it takes for tonight's events to truly sink in.

"I want to go home."

Marvin couldn't agree more with that desire. At Sean's apartment, the two of them sit quietly on the sofa. Neither seems to know how to break the silence.

"You don't have to talk. But I wouldn't mind some answers."

"No, you're right. You deserve the truth."

Sean's tale begins when he is 16. One of the other boys from school had been following him home and harassing him. That nuisance combined with the foul weather made him want to get home as soon as possible. While taking a shortcut through a field, Sean had lost his cool and whipped round to confront the kid. All it had been was a shove. Of course, poorly suppressed aggression had to be translated into something. And when you have electricity at your disposal? Those results can prove deadly.

"He was just there on the ground. And I was 16, you know? What the hell do you do when you've just committed manslaughter? Then everyone started talking about it. I had so many opportunities to turn myself in but never did."

"Why didn't you then?"

"You're going to hate me for this but uh... you. Well, you and the fact it had been rough weather that afternoon anyway. No, don't look at me like that. You were like 6 or whatever. As if I was going to leave you alone with our parents just because my powers acted out for a second."

"I kinda remember it being on the news." Marvin mutters numbly. "...You killed someone."

"It gets worse."

As it turned out, Sean had befriended a fellow student called Will Andrews while at university. The two of them had organised a drinking session together. He had gone a little too far that night and unwittingly revealed the secret he'd believed he would take to his grave. Unbeknownst to Sean at the time, Will had the gene. In Will's case, it had manifested in the form of possession. It allowed him to completely take over the individual and, in cases like Sean's, use their power to his advantage. He'd then proceeded to blackmail Sean by threatening to turn him over to the authorities if Will wasn't allowed to have his way.

As Marvin allows himself time to silently process this, he glances at the portrait hanging on the wall. It's a picture of Sean, some 10 years younger and with barely any facial hair, as well as a woman with her black hair plaited past her shoulder. They're both evidently very happy in each other's company. Marvin would hope so, since they were dating. Or, at least, had been before Emily had ended it in the worst way. All Marvin remembers from that night is Sean going out for the evening, Emily coming over with her key and them ending up hanging out until Marvin reluctantly went to bed. Then being informed the next afternoon after school that her body had been found in a nearby river. His brother had been a wreck following what she had done.

"Was Emily alone that night?"

"Don't."

"She wasn't, was she?" It's clear Sean is unable to say 'no' aloud. However, from the way this topic appears to be his breaking point, he doesn't need to.

Marvin doesn't push it. He'd never understood how she could have been so happy while chilling with him then deliberately drown hours later. However, being 13 at the time, he'd simply taken Sean's word that it was a far more complex issue than he likely could grasp.

"This Will guy's been making you kill all this time?"

"Yes." A voice crack within the whisper.

They meld into one from the force of Marvin's arms around him. "I'm so sorry. I wish you would've told me earlier so I could have helped."

"Not your responsibility." is mumbled.

"As if I'm going to let you be upset just because I'm younger. Tell your single braincell that, Zapper."

-----

A man with green hair walks into the nursery. It's a lovely room, the little girl's parents hadn't done a bad job when preparing for her arrival. The majority of the walls are light blue, white clouds dotted about. Hardly a masterpiece but he's sure the 10 month old didn't mind too much. Little Freya had been peacefully dozing in her crib until he'd approached. Ah, even while sleeping, she proved to be her father's daughter. She begins stirring as she is lifted. Anti ensures her senses give her no reason not to settle. Still, that baby monitor wasn't purchased for no reason.

As if on cue, Jameson comes cautiously speed-walking through the door. His anxiety rapidly morphs into contempt.

"Sorry to disappoint, it's just me."

"Get out of my house."

"How about... no. Or at least, not yet."

Baby in his arms, he makes himself comfortable in the armchair positioned in the corner.

"A man repeatedly breaks into your house and now is holding your child. You're awfully calm for someone in this situation."

"You are in no way a threat to her."

"Oh really? I could do it. Just a few seconds and I'll be giving you my condolences."

"We both know you're not going to."

"You're really prepared to call my bluff in this situation? Somehow, I don't think you're stupid enough to risk your daughter's life."

"I'd simply rewind a few minutes."

"What about this afternoon?"

"Oh for the love of god."

"Marvin caught me off guard and it ended with me giving him a bullshit story. Obviously, he can't know any version of the truth."

"No."

"Jamie-"

The performer holds his hand upright. "How many times must I say 'no'? If he knows any part of the truth then good. He deserves to stay safe from your deception."

"Tried to frame you today, you know. He's thankfully too smart for that trick. But could you imagine if it had worked? Dozens of counts of murder will land you a whole life order. If they found you guilty, there's no minimum term. It's not like you'll re-enter society when she's in her 20s. No, you'll be there until you keel over."

"There is no evidence. I can't be convicted."

"But Anti's been seen at countless crime scenes. By none other than the guy who frequently collaborates with the police. You'd certainly be a suspect if he chose to talk."

"Then I would explain the shapeshifting serial killer has decided to use an innocent and well loved performer as his scapegoat."

The light suspended from the ceiling flickers. The disturbance increases speed until the lightbulb can't take the abuse any longer. Jameson simply sighs, fighting the urge to roll his eyes or facepalm to emphasise his thoughts on this display. Time halts. Extracting Freya from Anti's arms is relatively easy. As soon as he touches her and wills it, she exists outside of time with her father. A safe distance from the man, his daughter safely in her crib as she should be, Jameson grants Anti the privilege of being freed from a temporal limbo.

"Grow up already." He glowers. "I am done with this little 'partnership' of ours. We both know you would never intentionally harm me or Freya. And don't you dare even consider laying a hand on Laura."

Anti puts his hands in the air so they are parallel to his head. "Alright, I get the message."

"Tell Marvin the truth. The real truth."

"Like hell I'll do something so stupid."

"Either you tell him or I will."

"We both know I would never risk him walking out of my life."

"The truth will come out eventually and it will be better if it comes from you. As for people leaving your life, well... I would have physically distanced myself long ago if there were not things keeping me rooted here."

"Really?"

This is evidently the final straw for Jameson. "You have abused my powers for your advantage, dressing it up as if I am doing justice. You have threatened the people I love so that I feel incentivised to do as you say. I struggle to sleep and I assure you it is not because I have a baby. You have made my life a misery and I have no obligation to play nice. Even when you stop looking like that, I don't want to be around you. But of course, I pretend the opposite is true to protect you. And yet, and yet, after all that stress and strife, you have the gall to act as if I owe you loyalty. I never have."

"I uh... didn't get all of that, sorry. But-"

"Then perhaps this will be a good summary." With one finger, he does indeed condense his message to something much more universally understandable.

"He won't forgive you for keeping this from him, you know." Anti remarks.

"Get the fuck out of my house."

"Whatever."

Anti begrudgingly makes his exit. The whole time he travels home, he wonders how much time he has left before the inevitable catastrophic end of all he's known.

[peaches-of-1]

Day 7 | Lost in the Snow

Fem!Reader x Goddess!Chung Ha

When you stormed out of the winter lodge after a fight with your boyfriend, you were expecting him to run after you. Instead, he stayed inside to flirt with one of the waiters. Of course, when you called him out on it, he “wasn’t flirting” and just “being friendly”. However, you knew him well. You had been dating for nearly two years now, not to mention you half expected the man to propose to you on this trip.

Anger boiled up inside you and came out as hot tears that threatened to freeze on your cheeks, so you wiped them away with bare hands. Wait, why was skin brushing against skin? Where were your gloves? Panicked looking around your body to make sure you were wearing your padded coat which he had bought matching versions of for this very winter vacation. However, nothing was there. No gloves, no scarf, no vest. Nothing to protect you from the cold.

“I’d better go back to our room.” You said, sniffling and folding your arms against your chest.

As you looked towards your building, you couldn’t help but sigh and try to decide whether or not you should break up with him. He had been an affectionate guy from the start, but...shouldn’t he prioritize you instead of complete strangers especially on vacation? Your footsteps were disappearing in the snow as the wind got more and more intense, making you have to lean against it in order to make any leeway. With every step forward, you began to forget about your boyfriend and your feelings since all you could feel was the cold threatening to leave your body bitten by frost and forcing you to become part of the landscape.

You were 100% lost by the time the snow storm finally subsided.

How stupid could you be? Couldn’t you have just put on your jacket and gloves or even just your scarf before marching out into the cold? Why didn’t you just go straight to your hotel room, anyways? Your breath was white and heavy as it left your body. At some point, you had fallen to your knees. Your jeans were basically frozen now along with your nose. No amount of blowing hot breath into your cupped hands could bring any sensation to your fingertips.

A scream of frustration tore through your vocal chords emitting a sound that would put any winged harpy to shame. Your thoughts were a conflicting mess of needing to survive not only your previous heartbrokenness but also this snowy landscape that could quite easily become your grave. You needed to breathe before moving again, though.

It’d be getting dark soon, probably. You had no sense of time out here. No landmarks. Hopelessness began to blanket you as if it were snow on a naked tree.

“Why?” a voice that was not your own, asked.

You looked around, shocked to hear someone else. A woman that was barely a wisp of existence began to walk towards you. It seems as if she were gliding, but you saw no footprints.

Part of you thought you were hallucinating a Yuki-onna, the Japanese spirit who would make you hug a child or shove you into a dark snowy valley. However, the woman was not a black haired ghost with blue lips, but a blonde haired woman with red lips. Her cheeks glittered as if there were her own frozen tears permanently on there.

“Why are you here, stranger?” The pale woman asked. “You are not supposed to be in this location.”

“I got lost.” You said, sniffling your blocked nose.

She giggled, “Let me fix that for you.” a crystalline fingernail reached out and tapped the top of your nose.

A rush of air went through it and you could breathe out of it once more. Bewildered, you looked up at the woman and thanked her. She put her cloak about your shoulders and helped you into a standing position.

“I saw you get farther and farther from the place where humans usually reside after I felt your sorrow from miles away.” She kept your hand in yours. “Do not speak. Just relax for now.”

You looked at her with terror as she helped you into her sleigh. She only giggled and assured you that she was not here to take your life, but to save it. You rested your head against her side as the fur of the coat warmed your body. She said that the ride was long, and you needed your rest.

When you awoke, you began to realize you weren’t at the lodge nor at your regular bed. Where…

“Glad you’re awake.” The blonde transparent woman from before said as she entered your room with tea and treats, setting it at your bedside table.

The room was too dark to be made out of ice and yet it had an odd sense of coldness hovering in the air, as if you just opened your freezer and there was a condensed haze of fog around. However, it was easy to see through.

“Hello.” You said, sitting up. “T-thank you for saving me. I should get going.”

“No, please stay. Just for a few days.” She said, sitting by your legs underneath a transparent but heavy comforter. “You’ve surely caught a cold being out in my weather in such light clothing.”

You shook your head, trying to deny it, but that shake must’ve loosened up all the sneezes your body contained as a barrage of sternutations lept from your chest. The lady did nothing except hand you a box of tissues. You nodded your head in thanks before blowing your nose.

“Oh, I do not believe I ever introduced myself to you. I am ChungHa, the goddess of the snow mountain.” She said, bowing in a sheer and glittering robe which touched the ground, fur lining every edge.

She gave a simply breathtaking smile while promising you that it’d be ok if you stayed for a while.

However, you stuttered out, “M-my, my boyfriend. He’ll be wondering where I am.”

She furrowed her brows and touched your cheek, “The boyfriend who didn’t chase after you?” ChungHa pulled her hand back and into her lap. “I heard you talking to yourself during the storm.”

“Oh…” So she knew.

“Humans really like communicating even to the wind. I find it endearing.” She giggled. “Though you insist on destroying my mountain for mere entertainment, you have a few redeeming qualities. Especially faces like yours.”

ChungHa suddenly stood, “Oh, um. My apologies. I brought you tea and some cookies. Both have herbs which help to heal the body. Take as much time as you need. When you feel like you can, feel free to roam inside.”

With a sharp and serious face, she looked at you from the doorway, “Do not go outside without me. Understand?”

You nodded and she gave you a smile before leaving. The door was at the foot of your bed, and there didn’t seem to be any windows. Natural light seemed like it came through the walls. A lamp next to your bed was shaped like an icy chandelier and added extra illumination to the room.

Maybe he wouldn’t worry about you. If so, it served him right. He shouldn’t have ignored you in the first place.

ChungHa was a sweet goddess. A kind heart that had been frozen by years of solitude and yet it still beat strongly in her chest. Her lips were the only part of her which emitted true heat in their fiery redness. The glittering stones on her cheek were her ever flowing tears which froze on her face, so they did not appear to grow or move to mortal eyes.

She healed you up in what seemed like two days at most. The food which was served for every meal was delicious and natural, fresh and rich with every bite being as satisfying as the first. However...there was something lonely about her.

You didn’t want to go.

Part of you had thought to have fallen in love with her, but you were sure it was just because the blonde goddess had saved you from your certain death.

“It’s almost dawn, my dear Y/N. I believe it is best if I take you back to your lover.” She said, her hair now in a ponytail. “There’s no reason for you to stay since you are completely healthy thanks to my care.”

ChungHa dressed you in an iridescent cloak of your own. You had worn it outside when she let you see her garden. It was a magical place where flowers seemed even more beautiful and bright dusted in snow and encased in frost. You had particular fondness for the plum blossoms. They were so small and yet had a charming purple-magenta color that caught your eye.

The goddess and her fuzzy footmen made sure you were secured safely in the silver sleigh before taking off back towards the main area where you’d be put to walk back to your hotel room alone. She couldn’t go all the way with you and if you stayed with her for too long, you’d become trapped on the mountain with her. Magic rules and all that stuff.

The ride was mostly quiet until she spoke up, “Um, did you...were you comfortable there at my home?”

You nodded swiftly, holding the bouquet of plum blossoms she had gotten for you as a goodbye gift and turned into a flower crown to place upon your head. Part of you wanted to tell her that you wanted to stay, but you wanted to see your boyfriend. What had he been up to while you were recovering?

“Not many people know about you, huh?” You asked.

“No. I’m too minor to have my specific name known by humanity as a whole. They group me with dokkebi. I am more than a simple goblin.” She scoffed.

You smiled, “Well, I’ll write about you. Everything that you’ve told me, I’ll create a page for you. I don’t care if anyone believes me. I’ll let them know about ChungHa. The kind goddess of the snowy mountain that saves lost travellers and guests that wandered too far out. Platinum blonde hair and lips like roses. Eternal tears that sparkle like the first frost upon her cheeks. Like rhinestones. Like stars. Whose touch is like fresh mint, burning but comforting since her heart has been frozen.”

She kissed your forehead before hugging you tightly.

“Thank you, my dear. You are too kind for a spirit like me to know.” She giggled softly.

The sleigh stopped to halt.

“It is time for you to go.”

When you entered the lobby, you saw your boyfriend yelling at police officers. He looked over at you mid sentence and then did a double take, stopping in the middle of his words. He was saying how badly the mountain men were doing, that they should’ve found you already. The two of you just stared at each other.

“Y/N?” He squeaked, tears already falling from his face and choking him.

“It’s me.”

Your lover ran towards you and he gave you kisses and hugs that were deeper and tighter than any he had given you before. He promised he’d be a better boyfriend. That he’d take care of you and would give you the attention you deserved. And you believed him.

And he kept his promise, proposing to you during dinner that night. You soon went home to spread word of your engagement but also writing your article on ChungHa. There were a few details you had to fudge here and there, saying it was word of mouth instead of first hand experience.

Your friends were so happy to hear of the marriage to be, how he’d become your husband. Yet you couldn’t stop thinking about her. Your goddess. ChungHa.

Months passed, and you thought of her every day. Your article had barely picked up any traffic, but you still checked to see who looked. People asked who you talked to. Told you it could be a new thing. A new goddess to praise. In your heart of hearts, you knew what you had to do.

There was no doubt in your mind.

The wedding was tomorrow. You had decided to hold one at the lodge resort where you had been proposed to in the first place. He was in the bed next to you, your fiancé. Still, you didn’t want the ring on your finger to have come from him. On top of the letter you prepared weeks ago, you set the ring on top.

It was an apology and a warning to not look for you. Also assurance that you were ok, but you’d be happier without him as your husband, the one you’d be promised to for the rest of your life. There was someone you loved more. Someone who wouldn’t leave your head nor your heart.

ChungHa.

You threw on your cloak and walked up the mountain, ignoring the coldness of your feet as they were in boots. You were warm. Scared. But you didn’t look back. There was nothing for you at that resort. Your heart was in the mountain. Your head came across a branch of plum blossoms.

“You came back?” The unmistakably crisp and sweet voice questioned.

You looked to see her standing behind you and couldn’t help but smile.

“Of course I did, ChungHa. I love you.” The words came out before you could say the speech you had rehearsed a thousand times. “I love you and I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I don’t care if I get stuck on this mountain as long as I’m with my goddess.”

Her tears seemed to fall past her cheeks as she hugged you tightly, “I love you too, Y/N. I’m never going to let you go again.”

“And I won’t let you.”

[forever-rogue]

The Edge of Thirty - Part 2

Summary: Everyone seems to be getting married, having babies, or “growing up.” Except Y/N. Suddenly at almost thirty, reality seems to be crashing down on her – and hard. Nothing seemed as daunting as turning thirty…until she met Gwilym Lee anyway.  

A/N: Fam, fam, fam, thanks for all your support on part 1! Y’all literally make me feel so warm and fuzzy on the inside. I hope you enjoy part 2! Taglist is open! xx

Pairing: Gwilym Lee x Reader

Word Count: 6k (get a drink and snack!)

Warnings: Language

MASTERLIST

“You look like shit,” Ben almost laughed as Y/N entered the teacher’s lounge, looking like she wanted to be anywhere but there. She put her hand on her hip and cocked her head to the side, flipping him the bird. Another teacher passing through saw their exchange and scoffed at the two of them; she was older and clearly a no nonsense type. She didn’t appreciate young educators and believed that the old regime was best left in place.

“Well you sound like a shitty friend, Benny boy,” she sighed as she took a furtive glance at the coffee pot. The coffee was communal, and the janitors swore it was cleaned every evening, but it somehow still managed to look dirty and undesirable. But she wanted a caffeine boost and knew she wouldn’t have time to head to any cafe to get a fresh cup, “what are the chances of death if I drink some of this?”

“I’d wager they’re pretty high,” he raised his eyebrow as he took a sip from the Starbucks cup in his hand. Unlike her, he had left himself enough time to stop by and get himself some java, “but I don’t know if I could take on a class of twenty seven-year-olds by myself with the aid of a good coffee.”

“Well, I suppose it’s a risk I’m willing to take then, isn’t it?” she grabbed her own mug out of the cupboard and poured some of the dark liquid into it. Grabbing some of the sad powdered creamer the school provided, she dumped a heap in the cup, watching it float on top like a miserable lump, “not all of us have the luxury of setting our own hours and only dealing with a small number of students per day, Dr. Jones. You should have texted me to let me know you were doing to grab a coffee!”

“Sorry, love,” he smirked at her, making sure to take a long sip before casting a wary eye at her pathetic looking copy, “didn’t realize you’d only have five minutes to spare. Rough morning?”

“Quite, yes,” she answered, trying to incorporate the cream into her coffee with vigorous stirring. It made no difference, refusing to mix much, leaving her with a slightly sweetened and gloppy mess. Sighing, she dumped the whole thing into the sink and gave up on the situation. Ben watched her with a slight smirk, vowing that he’d go and get her a cup, “Deacon wasn’t having anything this morning, and I could barely get him to go on a walk this morning. I was out of underwear, and my fridge was empty. On top of that,  I had forgotten to set my alarm. A great way to start a new week, no?”

“Ooof,” was all he said as he tried to keep himself from laughing. She nodded at him, groaning as the bell ranging, signaling that she was officially late to first period. Her little ones were probably already seated and eagerly waiting for her. There were a lot of things she wasn’t but there were a lot of things she was  - and a teacher that her students adored was one of them, “better get going. I’ll catch up later. You want your usual coffee?”

“Would you, Ben? You’d be a huge lifesaver,” she called over her shoulder as she rushed out of the lounge and down the hall to her small classroom. He looked at his watch and shook his head, both in silent amusement and concern. He had a few hours before his first counseling session, so he figured he’d go now and get her the coffee before settling in for the day.

“Good morning my little love bugs,” she called out in an excited voice as she entered her classroom. Her students looked at her with smiles on their little faces, excited to see their favorite teacher, “now, we all know Mondays are hard, especially after a long weekend, right? How about we go hard and talk about what we did? And then, if you’re all really good, we can watch a movie this afternoon! I’ve got my personal favorites - the Lion King and the Aristocats!”

“Miss Y/L/N, will you tell us about your weekend?” Jenny, one her favorite students asked. She knew she wasn’t supposed to have favorites, she had been the kindest and sweetest little thing from the start. Y/N’s eyes widened for a moment, and but she quickly swallowed the lump in her throat, “can you tell us about Deacon?!”

“You guys really want t meet Deacon, huh?” she asked, happy for the diversion she provided. Her weekend was really appropriate for a bunch of children, unless it was the extremely censored version. Her kids all gave her words of encouragement - they loved hearing about her tiny dog with the big personality, “let me tell you lot this, Deacon, or Deacy if you prefer, really wants to meet you all too. I’ll make you a deal - if you’re all good this week, and Deacon behaves for me, I’ll bring him in on Friday. And if we can get your parent’s permission,  we can talk him for a walk to the park.”

“You’re the best, Miss Y/L/N!” Jenny clapped her little hands excitedly as the rest of them cheered. She always believed that learning wasn’t just done in the classroom with books and texts, but through real world experiences. That and she loved her kids and Deacon. She figured the two would go together well.

“And you, my little snuggle bugs, are the best as well,” she took a seat atop her desk so she was facing them, and reached behind her, grabbing the book she had been reading to them. It was Harry Potter, she couldn’t resist sharing one of childhood favorites with them. Perhaps they were too young for it, but she their little faces light up whenever she started reading to them, “now. Who remembers where we left off? What’s happened to Harry?”

“Good afternoon, Dr. Jones, Miss Y/L/N,” the head teacher gave them a curt nod as he passed them in the hall, where they were walking to Ben’s office. They both murmured a quiet hello, keeping their heads down and close together to not attract any more attention.

While Mr. Crickle had no problem with Ben, who he regarded as ‘brilliant’ and a ‘breath of fresh air’ he had never been a huge fan of Y/N. He would never admit it, but there was something about him that strongly suggested it, something about the air and tone he adopted around her.

“Oh, Miss Y/L/N?” he turned on his heel just before the duo could escape into Ben’s office. They exchanged a nervous glance, and Y/N turned around, plastering on a big fake smile.

“What can I do for you, Mr. Crickle?” she kept her tone even and low, not wanting to give away the fact that her heart was thumping wildly against her ribs. Ben cast a nervous glance between the two of them, hoping Y/N would keep her mouth shut and not pick any argument.  

“I just wanted to let you know that there might be some visitors in the your classroom this week or next-”

“Visitors? What does that even mean?”

“Inspectors of sorts. They make sure you’re keeping control of your class and performing your duties as a teacher. It happens with every teacher at some point. It’s just a little bit of quality control, to make sure you’re providing the best for the students,” he eyed her curiously, as her eyes narrowed in suspicion. He took a step closer towards her and cleared his throat, lowering his ever so slightly, “word from some of the other teachers has it that they say you yesterday morning, intoxicated in public. Those are not the types of value we support here.”

“I was not drunk in public!” she almost shouted, immediately infuriated by his words. 

“I’m not accusing you of anything, Miss Y/L/N. I’m just letting you know what has been shared with me,” for claiming he wasn’t accusing her of anything, his tone was very accusatory. She wanted to make a smart remark and chide him, but she bit her tongue and swallowed her words, “and I’m telling you ahead of time of your visit. Tread lightly, Y/N, for your own sake.”

He walked away without another word, leaving Y/N standing there, mouth agape as she tried to process what had just transpired. Ben reached for her arm and pulled her along with him, ushering into his office and locking the door behind them.

“What the hell was that?!” she asked as she flopped into one of the chairs opposite his desk. He pushed the coffee he had procured closer to her as he sat down, letting out a long sigh. Y/N was livid - how dare someone just accuse of things they had no clue about?

“It was really odd,” he agreed, watching her closely to gauge her reaction, “but he does make a point.”

“Which is what, exactly?” she scoffed at her, crossing her arms over her chest. Wasn’t her best friend supposed to be on her side?

“You can’t go around all willy nilly in public. People watch, observe, and notice things all the time, even if you’re aware. Would you really want to risk your career?”

“I wasn’t drunk, Ben! Just...a little hungover. I wasn’t even making a scene,” she insisted, trying her best to defend herself, “I’ll bet it was that awful-”

“Y/N, drop it,” he insisted, running a hand over his face in exasperation. Sometimes it was hard to get through to her, especially once she had one view on something. She glowered at him, but remained silent, deciding not press the issue, “just keep your head down and stay to yourself. You’re a great teacher, Y/N, your kids adore you, and you’ve got nothing to worry about. You just need to watch that mouth sometimes.”

“I know, Ben, I know. Sometimes it’s just frustrating,” she sighed, tapping the coffee cup against her lip thoughtfully a few times, “everyone’s suddenly got an issue with me. But it’s fine, I suppose. I know who I am, even if others don’t.  And please, Dr. Jones, don’t give a lecture right now. I’m trying, okay?”

“Alright, fine. So, are you ready for this evening?” Ben asked as Y/N gratefully sipped on the hot coffee, made just to her liking from him. He was sat in this chair, legs crossed on the desk as the sunlight steamed in behind him. If he hadn’t been her lifelong best friend, she probably would have been attracted to Ben. He was smart, kind, obviously gorgeous, and caring. What more could a woman ask for? She needed someone like Ben, she decided, someone like him, but not him.

She took a long sip from her sweet, creamy coffee, racking her brain, trying to figure out what this evening was. Ben regarding her curiously, already deducing that she had completely forgotten their plans. Not wanting to give him the satisfaction, she set down her cup and nodded, “yup. Totally...looking forward to it. Can you text me the details so I can have them for later?”

“You’ve completely forgotten haven’t you?” he grabbed his phone and resent her the details which had been long lost in their group chat. She shrugged her shoulders lightly, giving him a shy smile, “oh Y/N, what am I going to do with you? We’ve had this planned for weeks.”

“Totally forgotten is a strong way of putting it,” she responded but Ben wasn’t having it, rolling his eyes at her as he leaned looked up at the ceiling, “but don’t worry, I won’t make a fool out of myself and be drunk in public like I apparently was yesterday. Which I wasn’t I swear, just hungover, which is a big difference. I’ll limit myself to one drink, yeah?”

“Probably a good idea,” he sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. He was about to open his mouth to say something else, but the school bell rang again, signaling the end of lunch, “better get going, love. Don’t want to be late and make a bad impression. Remember - they’re all watching you!”

“Oh haha, Ben, very funny,” Y/N stood up, grabbing her coffee and throwing her head back with a long groan. She wasn’t ready to go back and spend the rest of the afternoon teaching. Her mood had gone from good to foul, and she didn’t know if she’d be able to pull herself out of the funk. But she’d do it, for the sake of her job and the rest of her students, “I better get going though. As much as I hate Crickle, I care about my kids, and they do deserve the best.”

“Have fun, lovey,” Ben commented as he started pulling out some files from his desk, ready for his afternoon counseling sessions. Without looking up and skimming over his notes, he raised an eyebrow, “see you tonight. Don’t forget and come dressed appropriately.”

“You’re a wanker,” she commented before walking out the door and sticking her tongue out at him. He didn’t look up from his reports, but instead flipped her the bird. She huffed and slammed the door, starting the trek back to her classroom.

Tugging down the dress she had decided to wear for the evening’s dinner, Y/N wondered if she should run home and change first. It was probably just borderline long enough, but she didn’t want to push it and have someone make a comment. Tonight wasn’t about her after all, it was all to celebrate Lucy and Rami’s upcoming nuptials and Becca and Joe’s exciting announcement.

Y/N knew she should be happy and excited, but right now she wished she was anywhere else in the world. Namely, she wished she was at home with Deacon, snuggled up in blankets and watching a movie on Netflix, preferably with a carton of ice cream. A list of excuses popped into her mind, but before she could act on any of them, an around was thrown around her shoulders, followed by the boom of Joe’s familiar voice, “Y/N! I’m so glad you were here! We were all just getting settled in.”

“Hi Joey,” she forced a smile on her face as she embraced him. He was a sweetheart and a genuinely kind person, so before long, her smile became less tense, “a big congratulations to you and Becca. I’m so happy for the two of you. I can’t wait to meet the little bean!”

“Well, it’ll be some time before that but we’re really excited already,” he grinned at her, leading her to the table that they had reserved for their little group. She took a scan around the restaurant and noted that they were separated off from the bar. Very close, but it’d be hard to sneak off to grab a drink if necessary.

She scanned the bar and noticed that it seemed to be a usual crowd of suspects - old men looking for younger women, middle aged women looking for younger men, and a few students milling about. There was only one individual who looked out of place; a tall, lanky man sitting on the end, a book in front of him and what appeared to be a glass of whisky in his hand. 

Almost as though he felt Y/N’s gaze linger on him, his head popped up from the book and he glanced over at her, his brilliant blue eyes peeking over the top of his smart glasses meeting hers. Her cheeks immediately turned a bright crimson, matching the color of her dress. Luckily, she was spared from any more awkwardness by Lucy almost knocking over with a big hug.

“Hi Luce,” Y/N laughed lightly as she threw her arms around the willowy, lithe blonde, “I see you missed me. I’ve missed you too, it’s been what, a total of two weeks?”

“Two weeks is too long not to see your best friend,” she chided her jokingly, pulling out a chair on the of table and ushering her into it. Y/N slid into the seat, looking around at her friends, all of whom were sitting across from each other. Ben and Tess, smiling at each like giddy school children, Joe and Becca, who were leaning forward and speaking in low tones to each other, and Rami and Lucy, excitedly going on about their wedding plans. All of that left Y/N by herself at the end, normally a place of reverence, where the head of the party would sit, but today it felt empty and hollow. Like she was an afterthought, all by herself among the happy couples.

She felt more alone than she had in a long time, looking at all of her friends, so happy and in love, while she sat there by herself, trying to take a smile on her face as she interjected a few words here and there. Y/N wanted to be salty and annoyed, but she knew it wasn’t anyone’s fault - they didn’t intentionally keep her out of the conversations they were having. It was just how things happened when everyone was in a relationship.

Instead Y/N ate her meal in relative silence, making a comment here and there, smiling at all the little anecdotes everyone was telling. Joe was going about how they tried for their baby, oversharing as usual, which caused Becca to turn into a red faced mess, while everyone else got a good laugh in. Lucy and Rami continued to fill everyone in on last minute changes to their wedding plans, including having to hire a new caterer for various reasons, and reminding everyone of their duties.

Not able to take it for much longer, Y/N dabbed at her mouth, throwing her napkin on the table. She excused herself, saying she was just going to the bathroom, but no one paid her much mind; Lucy gave her a smile and a nod and Ben just gave her a wave of acknowledgment.  

Backing away from the table slowly, no one even gave her a second glance as she flitted across the restaurant and straight for the bar.  She hadn’t ordered a drink with dinner and she had promised Ben that she would only have one. So…getting a drink at the bar counted as the one, right? At least that’s how she decided to explain herself if any of them caught her. They were so engrossed in their own conversations, they probably wouldn’t even have noticed if she’d run through the place stark naked.

Spying an open spot near the end, that same end the handsome man from earlier had been sitting at, she quickly slipped onto the stool. Letting out a slow sigh, she flagged down the bartender.

“What can I get for ya, darling?” she asked, giving Y/N the once over, along with a small smile. It was like everyone could sense that something was wrong with her.

“Jack and Coke is fine,” she answered, and the woman nodded, quickly going to work on the simple drink. Y/N pulled out her phone, scrolling through her Instagram feed as she waited for the sweet dark liquor she was desperately craving.

“Here you are then, sweets,” she said as she slid the drink towards Y/N, handing her a napkin. Y/N reached for a few notes to pay for the drink, but the woman shook her head, refusing to take the money, “it looks like you need it, lovey. I saw you over there, and it didn’t look like much fun. Hopefully this makes your night a little better.”

“Ahh, a sweet, sweet charity drink,” Y/N let out a genuine chuckle for the first that evening as she picked up the drink and saluted the bartender. She gave her a wink before turning to the other patrons at the bar, “thank you!”

Y/N took a sip from the glass, savoring the sweet flavor of her favorite poison. Parts of her her were mildly concerned that someone would see her having a drink on a weeknight at the bar, but the larger part of her didn’t care. One drink wasn’t enough to cause any harm, and if someone wanted to fight her on it, she’d gladly do so.

Turning her attention back to her phone, she continued scrolling through the day’s feed, intrigued by what all of her friends were up to. Everything seemed to be weddings, babies, and engagements these days. Sometimes it was enough to cause her to go mad, but she took it with a grain of salt, knowing she should be happy for them, and not sad and bitter. They’d be happy for her after all, should the time ever come. 

“You look like you’ve had a long day,” although the voice was warm and velvety, it still startled her, and she almost dropped her drink surprise. She heard a chuckle as the seat next to her creaked, and she could feel a body next to her,. She had a sinking feeling that she knew exactly who it was, “sorry, love, I’d thought you’d heard me coming.”

Locking her phone, she set it and the drink down, slowly turning to the man next to her. Her heart almost stopped when she took him in up close -  he was even more handsome and breathtaking up closed than from a distance. A well chiseled face with the just the right amount of stubble, and eyes that were ocean blue sat behind a stylish pair of glasses, and the perfect hair. She easily spotted his long legs, marking him as all, and noted that he had impeccable taste in clothing. He could have easily told her that he was Prince Charming and she would have believed him.

“I-I...ugh, I…” she continued to gawk at him, rendered speechless by his beauty, feeling naked and vulnerable under his striking gaze. Racking her brain for words, or any sort of semblance to words, she seemed to be frozen, “didn’t hear...you..”

“What’s the matter? Cat for your tongue?” there was a smirk on his face, one that showed that he clearly knew of the effect he was having on her. She was a little surprised by his brazen boldness, but there was something about it that left her yearning for more.

“Handsome. You’re very handsome,” she finally blurted out, immediately realizing her mistake and hiding her face in her hands. There went any chances she had with him. He let out a warm chuckle, taking a sip of his own drink as her face turned bright red. After a few moments, she groaned, sneaking a side glance at him, “and now I’m mortified, simply mortified.”

“It’s nice to meet you, Simply Mortified. This isn’t going as bad as you think,” he gave her a wink as she slowly uncovered her face. A compliment and bad joke all in one, “besides, you’re very beautiful yourself.”

“I am?” she asked, a surprised look on her face. She felt like a mere peasant compared to his seemingly ethereal beauty.

“Indeed you are,” he confirmed, leaning in a little closer to her so his knee brushed against her, sending a shiver down her spine, “I’m Gwilym. Gwilym Lee. But please, call me Gwil.”

“A Welshman, eh? Very interesting,” she angled her body so she was leaning into him slightly, feeling slightly more bold,  “it’s nice to meet you. I’m Y/N Y/L/N.”

“It’s very nice to meet you, Y/N,” he smiled at her, tapping the rim of his glass against hers, the two of them taking a drink in unison. Setting down his glass, he watched her curiously for a few moments. There was something undeniable about her that left him wanting more, “you’re here with your friends, and yet you’re here at the bar with me. What an odd turn of events.”

“It’s…complicated,” she gnawed on her bottom lip, casting a nervous glance back over at their table. None of them seemed to have noticed that she was gone, engrossed in their own little worlds.

“Try me,” he pressed her and she turned back to him with a half smile on her face. He was forward that was for sure, but it wasn’t odd or uncomfortable, like it would have been with almost any other man.

“How much time have you got?”

“You’ve got me for as long as you want,” he rested his arm on the table, his head perched on his hand as he watched her, “I think I can handle it.”

“When you’re scared off and ready to run for the hills, don’t say I didn’t warn you,” she poked at his chest before turning her gaze back to her friends, “those are all my best friends. Well, Ben, Becca, Lucy and I have been beat friends since we were children. Ben is the blonde and the one across from him is Tess, his longtime girlfriend. The middle are Becca and Joe, they’ve been married for almost two years and have just announced that they’re expecting their first baby. The ones on the end are Lucy and Rami, they’re getting married in a month.”

“And then there’s you,” it wasn’t a question but rather a statement. She turned to him, raising her eyebrows along with a shrug, letting him know he was correct. He leaned close as he looked her over, “no partner? I presume no baby on the way by the fact that you’re drinking and I see no ring on your finger, so I suppose no wedding bells are in your near future.”

“I’ve got it,” she smirked at him as he cocked his head at her, “you must be a clairvoyant…some kind of sexy psychic! You nailed it all.”

“You’ve gone and figured me out already,” he threw his back with laughter. She really liked the sound, she decided. It warm and musical and she hoped she’d be hearing a lot more of it, “touche, mademoiselle. I’ve got you read like a book and you’ve exposed me. But tell me, what’s the problem? You seem close to your friends.”

“They’ve all got this thing in their heads that since we’re all going to be turning thirty within the next year, we all need to suddenly change,” she sighed, drumming her fingers along the bar top, “they’ve all got things going on and then there’s me. I haven’t changed enough I suppose. It’s only thirty, not death.”

“Trust me, you can survive thirty,” he gave her a big smile before reaching over and tucking a lock of her hair behind her ear, “I’ve done it. Not that hard.”

“How old are you then?” she asked, wishing he’d keep playing with her hair. His simple touch had been electric, “don’t tell me you’re some sort of young looking old man! I’m not into grandpas, just so we’re very clear!”

“Thirty-five,” he answered before finishing the rest of his glass. Her eyes widened, but she tried not to give away her surprise. It was older than she thought, but not old, all things considered in the gran scheme of things, “does that scare you?”

“Not at all, old man,” she joked, nudged his knee with hers, “it’s middle aged at best.”

“You’re a naughty brat, aren’t you?” he laughed, but there was a hint of lust in his voice. He was careful with each word he chose, each one selected with purpose. She bit her lip, squeezing her legs together a little tighter to stop the familiar tingle that she felt starting.

She mentally smacked herself - this was exactly the type of situation she needed to be avoiding. She too finished her drink before looking back at him, “you might have to find that out. But tell me, what does this middle aged man do?”

“I’m a Professor-”

“Oh fancy,” she smirked at him, “I’m a teacher too, but I don't go around calling myself professor! Perhaps I should..it’s got a whole mysterious, sexy thing to it, doesn’t it?

“As in I teach English Literature at Chelsea College,” he finished and she stopped her teasing. He wasn’t joking when he said professor, “but yes, I’m a teacher for all intents and purposes.”

“How very smart,” she leaned a little closer to him, “the glasses really give off the sexy professor vibe. I’m sure all your little students might just fall at your feet, fighting for your attention. Oh Mr. Lee I need your help, can I see you after class?”

“I’ve had my fair share of offers,” he admitted, reaching over and pulling her stool closer to him. She didn’t fight him at all, “but I haven’t entertained them. I don’t date my students. Most of them are too young anyways. I keep business and pleasure separate.”

“I’m sure your girlfriend must appreciate that,” she tested the waters a little bit, suddenly hyper aware of how close his body was to hers. Her body was screaming at her to just reach out and touch him, but she fought her impulses.

“You really think I’d be here right now, chatting you up if I had a girlfriend?” he raised a curious eyebrow at her. 

“A lot of men would,” she shrugged. She’d known plenty of them. 

“I’m not like that, Y/N. That’s one thing you should know,” he was whispering now, close so only she could hear him, “I’m not usually like this at all.”

“Like what? Chatting up random girls in bars?” she joked but he nodded, giving her a shy smile. She was compelled to believe him; for his brashness, he had an air of innocence and sweetness about him, “then what are we doing here?”

“Honestly, I’m not quite sure,” he admitted, thoughtfully running a hand over his beard. He wasn’t lying to her; he almost never even approached women when he was out. That had been left behind in his twenties, and even back then it had been a rare occurrence.

But there was something about Y/N, her honesty, lack of concern of the opinions of others, an almost vulnerable quality that attracted him to her. She was like a siren, and he was a poor fisherman, lost to her call already.

“What do you want to be doing then?” she asked, her voice low as she watched his pupils expand slowly as she caught him sneaking a glimpse at her ample cleavage. She knew where this was going, she could see it clearly. She had been there plenty of times before. Part of her was excited, but part of her screamed to stop.

“Do you want to...” he started, but didn’t seem to be able to finish. He didn’t have to. She nodded and bit her lip, contemplating her actions. 

“Let me tell them I’m leaving,” she said, sliding off of the warm bar stool slowly. He nodded, watching her walk back over to her table of friends, wondering if he was making the right decision. He wasn’t looking for a one night stand, sincerely hoping that’s not what this turned into.

“Y/N! You’ve been gone for a while,” Lucy said as she spied Y/N walking back over. Y/N had done her best to put on a pained face, clutching her stomach to make it look like it was upset, “what’s the matter, darling?”

“I’m really not feeling well. I’m not sure if it’s something I ate or what,” she lied, furrowing her brow, “I hate to do this, but I think I’m going to go home and rest. It’s a lot of pain right now.”

“Are you sure?” Rami asked, “I can give you a ride home-”

“No, no, please don’t put yourself out for me,” she stammered, trying to maintain her facade, “it’s not a long walk. I’m sorry guys, but I’ll see you all later. Have a great rest of the night!”

Her friends murmured a round of goodbyes as she gave them a wave before leaving. She spotted Gwil at the bar, and jerked her head towards the door, signaling for him to follow her out once she was already there so no one would see them leaving together.

Once she got out into the cold evening air, she let out a shaky sigh of relief. There was a mixture of emotions coursing through her veins, but mostly she was excited. Excited to go home with a man she had just met, a man that she probably should have just avoided in the first place. But something about Gwil was different.

“Hey,” he smiled when got outside, and saw her waiting for him. A tiny part of them thought she might have just run for the hills and left him there, but she hadn’t. At his full height, he was tall, and lanky, even more than she had originally thought, “your friends okay with you leaving?”

“I don’t think they really noticed much. They’re too absorbed in their own little worlds,” she shrugged, pulling on her jacket, “but it’s no bother. I just don’t fit into their world as much anymore.”

“Whose world do you belong in?” he asked as they started walking down the street in the direction of his flat.

“Mine,” she said as he put an arm around her, a warm, soft feeling. Deciding to be coy, she continued, “and tonight - yours.”

As soon as they walked into Gwil’s flat, a cozy and minimalist space, which she immediately decided she liked, he had her pinned against the door. His knee was between her legs, her already short dress riding up a little bit, his hands gently touching her face, running a thumb along her cheekbone. Her hands had found their way to waist, watching him closely observe her.

“You’re very beautiful, Y/N,” he said softly before he achingly slowly closed the distance between them, crashing his soft lips onto hers. He tasted slightly of whisky, but it was a pleasant taste as they moved in perfect unison, like their mouths were made for each other. He pulled back from her lips, ghosting a hand along her jawline, “ like a classical work of art. So, so beautiful.”

“And you’re just a handsome drunk fool,” she bit back a moan as he started to pepper kisses along her jawline, making his way down her neck, nipping at the delicate skin.

“I’m a fool to be sure,” he murmured, looking back up at her, pressing a kiss to her lips, “handsome is debatable. But I am not drunk, nowhere near, and I know you’re not either.”

“I don’t want this to be anymore drunken mistake,” she responded, taking his face in her hands, and kissing him with a fervent passion, enjoying the light tickling and scratching sensation from his beard. She wondered just how good that would feel between her legs, how could he would make her feel.

“It won’t be,” he promised, putting his hands on her hips, and moving to pick her up. She did so, wrapping her legs tightly around his waist as he started off in the direction of his bedroom as he kissed every exposed inch of her skin. She reveled in his expert touch, how he seemed to know exactly what to do.

“Gwil,” she moaned as his hands slid onto her bum, giving it a good squeeze, “jesus christ.”

“Tell me what you want, pretty girl,” he asked, as he laid her down on his amply sized bed. He started to unbutton his shirt as she hungrily watched him. She just gawked at the sight in front of her, marveling at how perfect he seemed to be. He noticed her staring and chuckled lightly, “you’ve got to use your words and tell me what you want.”

“You,” she breathed out as he started to discard his pants, leaving him in only his boxers, where his erection was already clearly evident. He already looked well endowed. 

The next words out of her mouth surprised even her. Normally she’d tell a man boy to just go on and fuck her, hoping it wouldn’t be too awkward or weird.. But Gwil wasn’t just a boy, or any man, he was a different creature entirely. She started to slide her dress over her bodily before whispering, “make love to me please.”

Permanent Taglist: @ruinerofcheese @courtneychicken  @santa-crew@supernatural508 @ssweet-empowerment @nerissa98@jamesbarnesappreciationsociety @buckybarnesappreciationsociety@wearegoldeninthenight @mannatgalhotra @prxttybirdz @piensa-bonito @mightyhemsworthy @shewalksinanotherworld @jems8241@bookaddic @fairyxxfighter @asguardiansoftheavengers @esoltis280@the-bright-lights @artisticlales @loislp @dixonsbugaboo@sleepylunarwolf @patzammit @thisismysecrethappyplace @princess-evans-addict @bookgirlunicorn @makapaka11 @bornfortherainydays@avipshamitra @clumsy-clara @justanewqueensfan@yourealegendroger @anna1523 @queenficarchive@thesecondlastjedi@bitemerog @rogernroll @secretsweetscollectionblog @sheridans-dynamos @dinkiplier

TEOT Taglist: @geek-and-proud @everybodyplaythegame @anchoredbylove @secretsweetscollectionblog @m0etenchandon @lv7867 @queentrashcanfics @bohemian-war @bnhvrdy @i-cant-hangout-im-drumming @metaphorical-love-for-a-car

[littlemisssquiggles]

Pinehead Headcanons: Oscar is the One True Ozma

If you’ve been following my Pinehead Headcanons then most of you might already know how much this squiggle meister is an advocate for the Oscar is the One True Ozma Pinehead theory.

I’ve latched onto this theory passionately because in my head, it’s the outcome that sounds the most favourable to me right now as opposed to the other side where most FNDM fam members believe Oscar to either be completely erased by the Merge becoming a clone of Ozpin with no memory of his old self (the common bad ending to the Man with Two Souls story) or just remains as his original self but with Ozpin’s memories (the classic good ending)

In the past, I used to think that the Merge meant Oscar and Ozpin becoming a perfect fusion of themselves with the new Wizard persona retaining elements of both souls. He would have Ozpin’s memories but still be very much the Oscar Pine know and love at his core.

But ever since I saw the Lost Fable and learnt of the original Ozma, I’ve fallen hard for the concept of Oscar being the other half of Ozma---the reincarnation of his original body that he never regained after the God of Light first resurrected his soul into the body of Diggs.

Although Ozma had lived countless of lifetimes paired to the bodies of other men, the noteworthy fact still remains that the God of Light never granted him back his original body. Here pegs the important question. If only Ozma’s soul was brought back then what happened to his original body. His first form.

This is why I love the concept of Oscar being that original form. Despite what other fans might think, there have been one or two tell-tale signs sprinkled throughout Oscar’s side of the story that have indicated, to me at least, that he is meant to be different than all the past Wizards of Light.

Seriously? How it is that folks can still think that Oscar is going to turn up just like all the other past Wizards when the narrative itself has emphasized that Oscar is meant to be his own person. He’s meant to be different. At first I pegged this meant that Oscar was going to be the Last Life. The last reincarnation. I still stand by that hunch that Oscar is the one meant to end the cycle. But now I’ve taken it a step further.

Oscar is meant to be the last life because unlike his predecessors, who each had their bodies paired with Ozma’s soul, Oscar Pine is essentially Ozma’s original body---just reborn in Modern Remnant currently living as a 14-year-old boy. The Merge isn’t meant to erase Oscar. If what I’m saying about Oscar being the incarnation of Ozma’s first form is proven true then it would mean that the Merge will be reuniting Ozma’s original soul with his original body.

If Ozpin represents Ozma’s soul or at least the current version of Ozma’s soul while Oscar represents the current version of Ozma’s original body; then by my theories, the Merge is actually a good thing. It’s the phenomenon that will make Ozma whole again as he is reunited both body and soul.

When you look at it this way, neither Ozma’s soul nor his body are the same anymore. Ozma’s soul isn’t the same because for centuries he’s been paired with countless men whose memories have now become a part of his. And Ozma’s body isn’t the same anymore either since he’s presently the14-year-old Oscar Pine.

Therefore, if Ozma isn’t the same man he used to be---body and soul then therefore he should be left to choose the life he wants to live from henceforth, right? After the Merge is complete, Ozma---Oscar will be free to live as whoever he wants. Now that he’s been made whole again, Oscar as Ozma can chose to be who he wants to be. He can chose to be Oscar Pine for the people who know and love him as Oscar Pine. I’ll come back to this point later.

Another reason why I love the ‘Oscar is One True Ozma’ Pinehead Headcanon is for the parallel between the pairings of Fairy-tale (Salem and Ozma) and Rosegarden (Ruby and Oscar).

In the past, Ozma fell in love with Salem who ultimately became a silver-haired, red eyed witch corrupted by the Power of Darkness hell-bent on humanity's destruction.

However in present day, Oscar is destined to fall in love with Ruby Rose, a red-haired, Silver Eyed huntress empowered with the Power of Light fighting towards humanity's salvation.

See where I’m going with this? When I look at it like that, this just makes me believe more in the RoseGarden love story being told because of this very strong comparison. I didn’t even realize how much Salem and Ruby parallel each other until now.  

Even though Salem's hair could technically be considered more white than silver while Ruby's hair is more of a blend of black and red; nonetheless, that still leaves the strong comparison between these two ladies especially when you put them up side by side as the love interests of Ozma and Oscar respectively.

This point only serves to further drive my headcanon of Oscar Pine being revealed as the resurrection of Ozma's original body and his last life. Still makes me believe strongly that the Merge is meant to make Oscar remember that he is Ozma while making him whole again.

And once Oscar realizes who he truly is, he'll be left with a new choice---to decide whether to continue living as his old self (Ozma) or live as his new self (Oscar). And for the people who love him as Oscar, Oscar will chose to be Oscar. That’s my hunch and I’m sticking with it.

I know I’ve voiced this hunch of mine a few times before however I really wished to drive it home with the point about Salem and Ruby. The more I expand on this headcanon, the more I love it especially with those strong parallels. Everyone’s got their own theories that they refused to let go of. This is one of mine. Anytime anyone asks me what I think of Oscar’s fate with the Merge, THIS is going to be my answer.

I never viewed the Merge as anything negative and this assumption further proves that. The Merge is meant to make Oscar whole again. That’s how I see it. With this thought in mind, I think I’ll end this post with a small RoseGarden-inspired Squiggle Script since it’s been a while.

RWBY Squiggle Script #020: Her Oscar

Picture it. Ruby reunites with Oscar after the Merge is complete. When Ruby finds him, she discovers the boy standing with his back turned; staring out into the distance. He doesn’t meet her gaze, not even as she approached this unknown soul cautiously, unclear of his identity. Who was he now? Was he the boy she knew as Oscar Pine or…someone else entirely that Ruby wouldn’t be able to recognize even with Oscar’s familiar face. Now Ruby stood directly behind him, gazing longingly at his back hoping for the person she prayed he still was.

 Ruby: *skeptically* Who…are you now? Are you…Oscar…or Ozpin? Or…is it Ozma? Are you Ozma?

The unknown soul only met Ruby’s question with one of his own.

Unknown Soul: *sombrely* Who do you see me as?

Ruby: I…

Ruby frowned; hands clenched against her beating chest.

Ruby: *ruefully* I…want Oscar. I want you to be Oscar. My Oscar.

Finally; the unknown soul turned around. Ruby gasped; eyes widening as she found herself before the smiling face of one Oscar Pine.

Oscar: *confidently* Then I’m Oscar.

Oscar then slowly cupped Ruby’s face tenderly; his hazel eyes radiant as he gazed deeply into her silver eyes with all the love he had in his heart for her. This gesture only made Ruby whimper under the warmth of his caress in a weak attempt to withhold the tears of unbridled joy that trickled down her blushing cheeks.

Oscar: *passionately* I am your Oscar.

Truth be told, Ruby didn’t need him to confirm this but she appreciated it all the same. The minute he turned to her, she already knew. As a being of a mystical lamp once quoted, call it magic or something much stronger, but in that moment Ruby Rose knew exactly who it was standing in front of her. He was the boy she loved and that was all that mattered as she closed the gap between them and kissed him; no longer shy to hide her love for him.

After all, he was hers. Now and forever more.

And scene.

This is how I would picture the CRWBY closing off Oscar’s arc while at the same time cementing RoseGarden as an endgame couple. But y’know, these are only my ideas.

As always, everything is up to the call of the CRWBY Writers. Whatever wild ride they have in store, especially for us Rosegardening Pineheads, I pray that it’s as charmingly cute as the bond between these two Rosebuds.

More Squiggles’ RWBY Content

~LittleMissSquiggles (2019)

[09yards]

7 - Houston, I have so many problems (days gone by - nct)

Days Gone By masterlist | main masterlist - ao3 link

warning: excessive use of italics in this chapter because apparently I felt like it and I've only worked on this during night hours and honestly it probably doesn't make sense because it isn't edited properly okay love you bye now, enjoy the chapter (:

Mark drowns his sorrows in T Swift, Grey's Anatomy and Ben and Jerrys and we talk about Johnny a whole lot and the pressures of school and life decisions.

I’ve got a hundred speeches thrown-out speeches I almost said to you

&

Yeah, after all this time, I’m still into you

      Johnny was a good brother, just not exactly role model material. He was protective, but still let you do all the dumb stuff you thought of - like jumping fully clothed in the lake during winter or staying out past curfew because ‘mum will never know, not unless you tell her anyway’ - he was the one there to laugh with you, cry with you, encourage you to do stupid things because you have to live your life. Mark never really understood when Johnny would go on some philosophical rant about how you only get one life, if you aren’t enjoying it then you’re not doing it right.

     He wasn’t constantly thinking about what to do next, how if he did this or that then this would happen. Mark was confused by it in all honestly, he couldn’t comprehend that Johnny studied for fun, wanted to do well not because he felt he had to but because he wanted to. Mark never felt like he made choices purely for himself, he did it for other people or because that’s what he was supposed to do. It wasn’t just academics, Mark was nice to everyone, he it his tongue when he really wanted to correct someone on their opinions (everyone is entitled to their own opinions but the guy was just plain wrong, zero factual basis for his arguments). Mark liked being in control of his own thoughts and feelings, he liked dictating his own life, for once. He just didn’t know how to regain control. He wanted to stop doing things for others, he wanted to be a little selfish – wanted to make himself happy first. He didn’t realise there was absolutely nothing selfish about that at all.

      And then, as stupid as it may sound, Mark started binging Grey’s Anatomy. The medical drama was a major turning point for the sixteen-year-old (at the time), taught him about how he wanted to help people, how he wanted to make a difference to people’s lives. He remembers sitting down and talking to Johnny about it, about how he felt like he’d found his calling. Sure, if anyone asked him now, he’d tell people that he fell in love with medicine as a young child, always playing doctors with his teddy bears and seeing his mum go to work every day, not that Sandra Oh being the magnificent actress she is, made him want to learn more and more about the field, thus he pulled an all-nighter googling different medical pathways and finding what was right for him – and how.

      Johnny was there for all the big decisions in his life. Johnny was there when Mark didn’t realise you were supposed to ‘come out’ if you were anything but straight (frankly, he strongly believed in the idea that no ones sexuality should be pre-determined and that no one should feel the need to define who they are - like that clip in ‘Love, Simon’ which prompted Jisung, Hyuck, Renjun and Jaemin all telling him to shut up when he went on a rant about how assuming someone’s sexuality is wrong and how coming out shouldn’t just be for the non-heterosexual) and in the midst of his first full-on breakdown over his burgeoning crush on Daniel from year 10 maths, Mark had said ‘he’ around thirty-two times, give or take a few (yes, Johnny had counted just to be sure), and only then had it truly dawned on Johny that this was it, this is the closest Johnny was getting to an ‘I-am-gay-and-this-is-me-coming-out-to-you’ moment. Honestly, it’d made Johnny quite proud - his mother was an avid supporter of the community and they’d grown up completely aware that any and all love was love, nothing wrong with any of it and those who believed otherwise didn’t deserve a lollipop (sue him, he was only eight and that was their mum’s way of describing people who were arseholes without calling them bad names). Johnny was there when Mark, sweating nervously and disgustingly clammy-handed, told them how he wanted to follow in their mothers (actually Meredith Grey’s, not that he was going to tell his mum that) footsteps and become a doctor too. Why he was so nervous, he’ll never really know nor understand.

      Especially not when Johnny picked him up and twirled him around in a hug shouting about how his little brother is going to be a doctor, Johnny always was one for theatrics, their mum on the other hand gave her usual warm-hearted smile, said she’d support him no matter what and wrapped him up in one of her bear-hugs. She always gave the best hugs, they simply felt like home, like no matter what you’d be safe.

      Jisung smiled, too young to really care and didn’t understand why Mark had made some big deal about it – “it’s just a degree, you could buy one online for like a hundred pounds instead”. Yes, Jisung spent too much time on the internet, Mark really didn’t want to know what the majority of his time on there was spent doing. Honestly, Mark had him pegged as some sort of edgy Tumblr teen running an insanely successful blog for a book-turned-tv-or-movie series so the majority of his time was probably devoted to reading (that Mark knew) and watching and then reviewing the episodes. It was somewhat worrying the amount Mark had thought about this, was he a multi-fandom blogger or did he just stick to one? What was he watching? Shadowhunter’s? Harry Potter? Sherlock? So, many, questions. But hey, it wasn’t Marks business to know. If he’d just asked Jisung he’d be aware of the youngers multiple blogs, one dedicated to his love of kpop and idols with dimples, the other dedicated to reviewing and just general chatting and fan theories about his favourite book series turned movie/TV shows, Mark wasn’t as far off as he’d like to believe.

      With everything that was happening with Hyuck, or rather lack thereof, Mark was desperate to feel at least somewhat in control of his life. Desperate to feel like he was doing something that mattered, like he was working toward something. One thing Mark could always rely on is that all of his friends and family, among other things, would describe him as a workaholic. As much as Mark loved to attempt to dispute this, he couldn’t. It was the truth and being the emotionally constipated teenager that he is – what better way to deal with your emotions that not doing so and instead throwing yourself into schoolwork? Mark was a broken human in many ways, in many ways he was just normal. Just like any other teenager feeling like they didn’t have their lives under control, feeling like they had to make life altering and affirming decisions at the age of sixteen or seventeen. It wasn’t fair. It didn’t feel fair at least. It didn’t feel fair that he couldn’t have some cute teenage love story like in the movies, didn’t feel fair that he had to submit his university applications by mid-October when everyone else got to wait until December, didn’t feel fair that everyone else had their soulmates or were finding them left and right but he was stuck.

      It was stupid and selfish but he wanted to feel upset. He wanted to feel like he’d lost something rather than just admitting the plain truth that Donghyuck just didn’t like him back. Not every love story was straight (oh the irony) out of Wattpad and not everyone got their happy ending, at least not yet. So, a very stressed Mark was free to wander mindlessly around his home, mind too occupied with some parallel universe where there’s no such thing as soulmates and everyone possess the ability to fall in love with whomever they wish. Not that that would change much in Mark’s case, but let the guy dream okay? Okay.

      Johnny was a good brother. But Johnny was still his brother at the end of the day.

      A brother who comes home for the weekend unexpectedly and so his seventeen year old brother believes he’s able to be singing his heart out to wildest dreams by Taylor swift, I break from crying over Mcdreamy’s death, with a pot of Ben and Jerrys fish food (yeah he was in full blown sad mode) in hand and the most over-sized hoodie he could get his hands on, actually wearing his glasses for once and well… Mark was a mess, in peace, but Johnny took the initiative of filming Marks current endeavours before making his presence known by snorting obnoxiously and crumpling into a ball (well as close as Johnny could get to folding his over six foot body into something remotely small) on the floor of their kitchen unable to breathe normally for at least ten minutes and unable to look Mark in the eye for the next two hours while keeping a straight face, as every time it resulted in him wheezing again and managing to get out a “Y-you, you listen,” another wheeze, “to Taylor, the Taylor Swift,” another, stupid, wheeze, “like queen of break up songs when you’re sad? Oh, Mark, where did I go wrong with raising you.” Yeah, not the most pleasant of experiences for Mark, his bright red ears clearly displaying his emotions.

       He should be allowed to drown his sorrow in peace, listening to Taylor Swift (and Adele but Johnny didn’t hear his rendition of ‘hello’ so #MarkFirstWin) eating his ice cream and dancing around the kitchen. We’ve all been there and anyone who says they haven’t done some sort of version of this is a down right liar, or just really, really, lucky and hasn’t experienced any form of heartbreak ever.

      Nevertheless, this is the same Johnny who then slaps you so hard on the back that it winds you, and then tells you with the biggest shit-eating grin on his face, “Hey! You know what would be perfect to distract you?” No Johnny, he was taking the Taylor Swift route. Mark just shook his head, his ears tinting red at the memory of Johnny catching him again (yes it was three hours again) and how he would definitely be relaying the message to others. “Well, your uni applications are in, nothing you can do right now to change that. So, I wasn’t going to invite you because I knew you’d say no but now I’m leaving you no choice. As it’s Winwin and Yuta’s birthdays, they’re having a party tonight and you are coming with me.”

       “But-“

      “Yeah, no buts. You’re coming. Yes, everyone will be there – it’s a family affair. Even Jisung is coming for a bit but I’ve already bought him chocolate milk and put it in the fridge at Yuta’s place.”

      “And you’re really going to let me drown my sorrows in alcohol after my birthday party?”

      “Sure, after all, what’s the worst that could happen?”

      Like Mark said, Johnny let you do the dumb shit. He’d help you pick up the pieces later.

   Hyuck. Alcohol. Jungwoo. Alcohol. Yuta. Alcohol. Winwin. Alcohol. Jaehyun. Alcohol. Soulmates. Black-out drunk.

[siyeonrk]

MGA SEASON FIVE !      EP. 1 → PART ONE: CALLBACK PERFORMANCE       ( SINGING FLY 0:00 - 1:55 )

when she receives the email, she assumes it’s a politely-worded rejection letter ( albeit automated and thus, void of any actual sympathy ). it’s disguised a little like a positive note from the subject line, but siyeon’s received enough strongly worded emails from her parents about her behaviour at boarding school to know that’s how they reel you in — give you a false sense of serenity before hitting you with the hard stuff. so, she doesn’t rush to open it. she’s in the middle of her shift, hands ( and now phone ) covered in flour so she pushes it to the back of her mind and carries on through to the evening, the notification almost forgotten until she gets into the safety of her bedroom at home. 

a text from jeno lights up her screen but she barely reads the message. instead, her eyes are drawn to the box below it, the sender screaming at her loud and clear. mnet global auditions. yes, her rejection email, and so finally, she picks up her phone with little care, sighs as she clicks through to read it. 

congratulations. she thinks it strange to include the word on your final communication with someone, but the further she reads, the more it sinks in that this isn’t a rejection, far from it, actually. by some miracle, she’s through to the next round, one of far too many whittled down to a mere hundred— how had she sneaked her way in? endless wit and charm? potential for spinning a narrative down the line? she can barely believe it. 

so she reads it again, reloads and reloads as if closing the app or restarting her phone will prove to her that it’s just a figment of her imagination, that it isn’t real — that she hasn’t been contacted for a callback. if her phone hadn’t cost so much ( and hold so many memories ) she’d have dropped it straight to the hard floor. 

the next morning, when it’s all finally sunk in somewhat, she re-reads it again with a clear mind. two minutes, prepare a song, dance or rap for judges and the other ninety-nine contestants. for a moment, she feels a little nervous. she’s never sang for a group so large before, her biggest venue being her friend’s family-and-friends-only birthday party in late 2017 of about fifty people. or rather, forty-five that were actually awake by the time she took the microphone. god, who thought inviting their conservative extended family and all their grandparents to an 18th birthday party was a good idea? out of loyalty, she sang the full five songs she promised she would but after the second verse of the first, she was ready to call it a night. 

regardless, she has to do it. if not to be able to say she did, then to prove to herself that she can. her biggest problem is choosing a song. she already knows immediately that she’ll sing. what is the real question, though. for the auditions, she’d chosen something she felt would be entertaining and upbeat enough on a long day, but she doesn’t want to continue doing exactly the same thing. she’s not thinking too much about making herself memorable amongst so many likely far more talented contestants; in all honestly, the probably vital concept completely slips her mind. instead, she’s wondering how she can build upon what she auditioned with, how she can show something a little different without venturing so far out of her comfort zone that she risks it all. she wants to sing something familiar, something soft, without it being just another happy acoustic guitar and piano song. maybe something slow and sensual? an english ballad? 

in the end, spending hours scrolling through songs, she settles on something closer than she’d intended, but still distant enough that she feels that it gives off a different vibe. this time, she should have the chance to show off a little more colour to her voice. there’s a little tame belting, plenty of opportunities for her to adlib. it’s a great version of an otherwise very pop song, too, that she hopes most of the audience aren’t familiar with so it piques their interest when the backing track starts. 

only time will tell, and tell it will, as she spends the next few days practising it endlessly. her coworkers are fed up of her noise in the kitchen, her grandmother even grew tired of her singing wherever she is, whatever she’s doing, that she’d started going out on walks to the convenience store more, despite siyeon’s protests about her health. ( the doctor had said it’d be good for her to get out more, get fresh air and stretch her legs, but siyeon worries. she always worries. ) 

when the time comes, she nervously takes a seat, re-tucking her t-shirt into the waist of her jeans. the belt feels a little tight under all the lights and the pressure of so many eyes scanning by her as each contestant seems to be glancing at their competition. it’s hard not to run over the crowd growing when she knows there’ll be familiar faces amongst them, friends she’s not seen for a while because they’re all so busy with this and even a few ex-idols, too. her curiosity usually gets the better of her, after all. 

the hustle and bustle begins to die down as the next step of the auditioning process begins. now it feels like a tv show, with their elaborate stage and the lights dimming and cameramen whizzing around. she doesn’t know how much of today will make it into the first episode of the show, or how much of their previous round of auditions will either, but it’s a question long forgotten in the back of her mind when they announce the arrival of the judges. she expects it to be a group of known idols, seniors in the industry that are highly respected and regarded for their respective talents, like lc9 and myname members, or that phenomenal vocalist from she’z, but lo and behold, it’s another step up even from them as the ceos saunter in and suddenly siyeon thinks there’s no way I can do this and her palms begin to feel sweaty. 

this is so much pressure, she thinks, so much more than I expected. having to sing for a crowd so large already was enough to shake her a little bit, but she’d gotten over that with time. this, however, is an entirely different ball game— and she’d had no time to prepare for it. maybe if she’d known the ceos would be here, she’d have practised harder, brought something more extravagant to the game. they’ve seen countless talents in their lifetimes, what makes her think they’ll even bat an eyelash at her? 

but she’s here now and she’s worked so hard for it. she’s spent more hours than she has fingers and toes three times over readying herself for this moment — for being called down to sing and to show them what she’s capable of and hopefully, what she could be capable of in their experienced hands. she sucks in a deep breath. she has until she hears her name to centre herself and thankfully, with a hundred contestants, there’s plenty of time to get there. 

( and of course psych herself back out again, and then up again, then out, then up— and so forth. ) 

by the time she is called, she isn’t really sure what she’s feeling. it’s numb, surreal, and she thinks she’s probably going to trip on her way there just to ice that sweet, sweet carrot cake, but soon she’s standing before five of the most influential people in the industry and her palms are sweaty and her feet fidgeting and she’s bowing ninety degrees for a little too long. 

“I’m park siyeon and I’ll be singing fly by jiu.” she barely has time to shuffle her weight about to loosen herself up before the backing track is starting. 

it’s softer, already more subtle than the pop genre original, but siyeon honestly likes both reasonably equally. despite her usual affinity for acoustic tracks, she appreciates the harmonies and positive vibe of the first iteration of the song. after all, it’s a song about self love and that’s always best expressed through a happier beat, she thinks. but this version, the one she starts a few seconds in, comes from a different place. it might not entirely be something that’s overly important to her, to her own growth, but she knows confidence, spreading your wings, believing in yourself— they’re things so many people struggle with and if she can touch anyone with this deeper, more emotional rendition, then she’ll consider it a success. 

she does have to actually make it through the next two minutes first, though. 

invisible 안갯속에 나를 찾아야만 해 yeah 작은 불빛 그 희망은 상상만으로도 you’ll find

for the first verse and pre-chorus, her voice is much more gentle in tone. it’s akin to her audition, a little too breathy in places and a little too powerful in others as she moves into the chorus in due time. when she watches clips of these shows, so many contestants close their eyes, look as if they’re totally submerged in the moment but siyeon smiles, clicks along to the beat with a bit of bounce in her body. she wants to look relaxed, like she’s having fun ( and isn’t, instead, screaming for basically two minutes in her head not to forget the lyrics or mess up; no biggie ). of course, it means she probably looks like she’s trying too hard, but she’d rather appear nervous but trying than too dramatic, than emotionless or dry. delivery is just as important as actual talent, right? or maybe that’s just what she’s telling herself as she fails to see how else she might stand even a fraction of a chance against the other performers she’s seen thus far. 

높은 곳을 향해 손을 뻗어 볼 때 닿을 것만 같은 느낌 바라왔던 날들 가까워진 걸까 저 하늘에 그려져

just spread your wings 저 끝까지 가슴 뛰는 소릴 따라 두 눈을 감고 꿈을 펼쳐봐 you’re a hero, you can fly you can fly, oh, yeah, oh

the belted notes of the chorus are a contrast to what she’d handled in her audition. she doesn’t want to fall flat, so she always ends up putting a little too much gut into them, a little too much effort. on their own, they sound great. on their own, the softer verses sound great. together, her song is a little disjointed, her transitions between each unpolished but the potential is there. she lacks a little of the control they so likely desire, but it shows in her adlibs that she’s capable of it — if only she were to know what she was doing, if only she had someone to guide her along the way. 

though, again, maybe that’s just what she’s telling herself to plough through the worry that she’s already messing everything up. is there a world record for fastest mga audition to go wrong? at least she could stand a chance at that if all else fails. 

단 한 번도 보지 못한 세상이 펼쳐질 거야 구름 위로 날아올라 ‘cause your wings are made to fly

somehow, with the blink of an eye, she’s at the second verse and generously more than half way through her performance. she mellows back down to her quieter tone, though her bright smile doesn’t falter. she can’t let herself slip now; she’s made it this far and she’s determined to make it to the end. she’s no longer nervous about singing for the sheer number of people here, nor the ceos, instead a little elated despite other worries that she’d had the honour at all. after all, she can barely begin to imagine how many people auditioned and yet, here she is, one of the hundred the roster was whittled down to. that has to mean something, right? potential ( as a trainee or just as entertainment on the show, she doesn’t want to think too hard about ) shown, possibly, or even just to help buffer up their favourites for the show ( by comparison, she’s sure they’d look much more impressive ) but whatever it is, she’s here and she intends to savour every moment of it. 

due to the layering of the original, there’s a lot that’s missed in this subdued, single vocalist version. for that reason, she has to skip the first half of the opening line of the pre-chorus this time around, her voice projecting clearly with the run from the end of the verse. she’d practised it especially hard, recording herself to see how it sounded. she’d wanted them to think she’s professional, serious about this— isn’t fancy vocal tricks the way to do that? thankfully, she’s not able to overdo it, so it’s still quite tame as she executes a pretty adlib or two throughout. she wishes she could sing right through to the very last beat, show them how sweet her voice is in the slightly higher bridge, but her time is coming to an end. 

손을 뻗어 볼 때 닿을 것만 같은 느낌 바라왔던 날들 가까워진 걸까 저 하늘에 그려져

it’s not the most natural finish to a performance, but she does her best to fade out as the instrumental behind her does the same. the harsh cuts of her audition song had put her off, so she’d asked for help this time making sure she wouldn’t be remembered for making ninety-nine contestants and the five ceos jump out their seats at the sudden melody. 

when she’s done, satisfied, she bows once more and makes her way back to her seat. her heart’s thumping aggressively in her chest and the contestants sitting around her offer her encouraging smiles as she makes her way back over. her fingers shake against her thighs but she’s done and now it’s just a waiting game. a really horribly painful waiting game. 

[blcodyhell]

What happened: the truth, not word of mouth.

                My initial post was one where I stated the simple truth of the impossibility of me being racist or phobic of any sort; that remains, but ever since this whole issue broke out, three people maturely approached me to clarify things, to tell me EXACTLY what it was that I had said that offended them instead of calling me things out of assumption,  &  I was able to have some mind-opening conversations, which was exactly the thing I had wanted from the beginning,  &  the reason I had been so angry  &  disappointed at everyone: because everyone went to a third party  &  spread slander about me instead of maturely coming to me to talk.  But what is done is done,  &  all I can do is  a d d r e s s  what those three people have told me  &  the truth it reached at. 

NUMBER ONE: ‘forcing diversity’ 

                Boy did I word that wrong; it did not in ANY way mean that I thought casting PoC was wrong, it did not meant that I wanted everyone to stop doing fancasts with PoC in them, it did not mean that I hate PoC  ( that would mean hating myself,  &  I no longer do, haven’t for years )   &  it did not mean that I hate representation, at all. What I meant by the words forcing diversity was that, as an actress myself, I know there is a thing going on in the movie/tv world where people are cast ONLY for being different, someone I spoke with called it ‘the Token role’  ( they said ‘girl’ but for the sake of this post I’ll include all genders ),   &  that is exactly what I meant.  Example: if they’re making a new version of Legally Blonde with the mask of an open casting  &  they tell me        ‘Oh yeah, we’ll hire you, you can be the next Legally blonde. Having a Latina Elle would bring us so much more money because it would get people talking’         I would HATE that so much, I would decline the offer, because I refuse to be USED for my differences.  BUT if they told me,        ‘Hell yeah, you can be the next Elle, you bring up her personality so well, no one else has done it the way you have, we’d only need you to die your hair blonde for the sake of the character.’          THEN I’d be like !!!!!!  ‘YES THIS WILL MAKE SO MANY PEOPLE THAT LOOK LIKE ME SEE A HERO ON THE SCREEN OMFG YES YES YES YES, I’M IN.’ 

                THAT DOES NOT MEAN I DO NOT LIKE TO SEE DIVERSE EDITS AROUND, OR THAT I WANT EVERYONE IN THE WORLD TO STOP MAKING THEM BECAUSE ‘IT’S WRONG’. That is what got lost in translation; first of all I never said         ‘this is just wrong, it shouldn’t be done’,          because I don’t think it is wrong, how can it be when it makes people happy?  I do not discourage edits  ( hell, I didn’t know I even had that power ),  I do not want ANYONE to stop making them, because I know that making those edits makes some people feel included in such a way that I didn’t understand before I had some conversations  ( I will go into further detail on this specific point a little later ),  nor did it mean that I think PoC should never be given opportunities or roles, or anything of the sort, if it did, then I’d be putting fire on myself: I   a m   a PoC actress MYSELF, it only meant that I won’t make any, me, alone. 

                But you said the friends of Narnia should only be white and it was wrong to make them anything but,    Yes, well, I also worded that wrong, VERY VERY wrong, I was not paying attention only to that conversation so the words were placed horribly around  &  it made me sound like a twat.  No, what I meant was that I have  &  always will think going against the author’s word is not right to me; I will always hold the author’s descriptions  &  their decisions about the world THEY created  ( except for J.K’s ‘cause let’s be real, she’s reaching so fucking far )  over any other opinion,  &  that is why I couldn’t see the Pevensies or any of the friends of Narnia as anything but white; but that is what I saw when I read the books when Lewis called them   ‘fair skinned  &  fair haired’,   we all have different imaginations  &  that’s what’s amazing about books.   It was very  w o n d e r f u l l y  pointed out to me, though, that white can also be PoC that pass as white, or that have very pale skin as well,  &  though I hadn’t thought of that, yeah, that would also work very well, but just like I said above: as long as these people are cast for TALENT  &  not the Token rule. 

                In conclusion to point number one: a) I would love the world to always cast for talent, not for differences.  b) All the opinions expressed are about what I as a solitary independent person would do, not what I want everyone else to do, I promise I never meant to make anyone think I discouraged them or disapproved or thought them anything but valid. 

NUMBER TWO: ‘I don’t see the point of the term pansexuality’ 

                I never understood the reason I got so much hate out of that sentence, when it was literally me asking for help so the term pansexual could be explained to me; it now has,  &  for it, I can finally speak up about this. 

                I am a bisexual girl,  &  because I grew up during the time in which only three terms existed for sexuality  ( heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual )  I was taught that the ‘sexual’ part of the words had nothing to do with anything but the sex organ the person had, the two being vagina   &   penis; it is why I was always against the term pansexual because I kept thinking that people using that term were saying that trans people were not real women or men!  I was so absolutely outraged at the fact because, to me, it seemed hypocritical of them to claim that ‘TRANS MEN  &  WOMEN ARE REAL MEN  & WOMEN!”    &   then call themselves Pansexual in such a way that it excluded trans people within the man  &  woman spectrum!  I was so honestly outraged because the thing in capital letters is exactly what I believe  &  know: trans men  &  women are as real as non trans men  &  women. 

                Since then, though, not only have I learnt of the term intersex   &   how awfully I called those people hermaphrodites before, but I also learn that in present time the ‘sexual’ in any of the orientations have NOTHING to do with the sex organ itself, but the gender, for which I know there are many, many, many options.  Yes, I have never been entirely comfortable with all the options in existence because I think it makes already phobic people even MORE phobic  &  thinking that we’re doing it for attention; I KNOW we are not doing it for attention, but I know that that is what phobic people can think.  But, again, that also got lost in translation into making it sound like I simply didn’t understand or accepted all of these new labels being created, because, how can  a n y t h i n g  that is making so many people feel at home  &  identified be wrong?  I don’t think it’s wrong, hell, I encourage it!  Find your label, feel at home!  I went exactly through the same sort of thing for my religion, when I called myself Aztec; many people call that just polytheist, but to me that could mean I believe in Norse, Greek, or any possible array of Gods,   &   no, I am AZTEC because I believe in the Aztec gods, nothing more.  So having gone through that myself I understand why it can be important to find your label; it IS important,   &   it’s a wonderful thing.

                I am terrified of those people that can think we’re creating all these labels for the sake of attention, because I know what being told that can do to a person, but that in no way means I discourage it, or don’t believe in it, or think anyone who chooses a label in the Queer spectrum of the LGBTQA+ is not valid; literally, never once did I say that.  I love humans without caring about differences, I literally think ANYONE is valid as long as they don’t hurt others; I worry for those who are not at home with themselves being told ‘you’re doing it for attention’ because I  k n o w  what that feels like, I always worry about everyone else when I know that things don’t or are not going to fall badly on me. 

                In conclusion to number two: a) I understand the term pansexuality now, b) I think everyone is valid with any label they feel at home in, c) I encourage people to find their label  &  find their home. 

NUMBER THREE: The thing I didn’t understand because I forgot about my past.

                One thing you need to understand about me is that I don’t ever think I have any power over anyone, thus I failed to understand how people could be so absolutely offended by stuff I’ve said when I’m only a person on a computer that they’ll probably never even meet irl; if some stranger comes at me and tells me       ‘you are disgusting, your sexuality is not real, you’re only doing it for attention’,         I literally laugh to their face  &  tell them       ‘It’s sad that that’s your opinion, I wish you would learn a little more, good thing you won’t be invited to my wedding, whomever it is to.’       Why?  Because I am confident in my own self, I love my self,  &  I don’t need anyone’s acceptance or validation other than my own; I believe very strongly in what I believe in, so I don’t need everyone AGREEING with me about it, I am enough; the only opinions that truly matter to me are those of my parents  ( who I am lucky see the world the way I do: differences are as important to know as horoscopes, you don’t go around telling everyone ‘I’m a libra!’ Human is human )   &  my closest, closest friends.  People online can call me things   &   they literally fall off my shoulder like dust.

       I made the most enormous  &  horrible mistake of forgetting that not everyone is like me. 

                You see, I wasn’t born like this, I wasn’t confident always, I, too, at some point needed validation from the world in ways that are very personal  &  I refuse to put in public,  &  I forgot that, I forgot that there are some people that have so much self doubt that one stranger not saying outright ‘you’re valid’ can literally have a big effect on them, I know that feeling, I lived  &  felt that feeling from the moment I was born until I was about 14-16, which was when I found my ability to be confident in what I believe in,  &  because it has been so long since I have felt it I simply  &  horribly forgot that other people may feel it still,  &  for that, with my heart completely in my hands I tell you: I’M SORRY. It was really dumb of me to state my opinions so undetailedly  &  with loose words when not being specific could do what has been done here, hurt people, in ways I simply forget could be done.  Blame my age if you will, but I genuinely didn’t think such things could be done online, only with people face to face or close to you; I  f o r g o t  what it felt like, I forgot my past,  &  I hurt people in the process, so I am sorry. You can be sure that from now on I will pay more attention to what I say for this reason. 

               Thus my conclusion about this is simply a genuine feeling in the direction of all those that I either hurt, or that have nothing to do with this situation but are reading this post: I am deeply  &  wholeheartedly sorry, you ARE valid, important, beautiful  &  wonderful people that I thought I had said endless enough times to make it clear I thought so, but I won’t ever make that same mistake again. I will  r e m i n d  you of how wonderful all of you are whenever I can, because you ARE wonderful  &  important,  &  valid in any way you are  ( as long as you’re not hurting anyone ),  you really are.  &  I love you, for all those people who are awful  &  have made you doubt yourself, I love you,  &  I’m sorry. 

NUMBER FOUR: The request. 

                It is exactly for that, the heaviness  &  power that words have, that I most humbly ask you to be careful what you say to people;  &  that includes the very things I have been called.  Yes, I am very confident in myself,  &  I don’t need the internet’s approval, which is why I’m able to be sad about this whole situation for nothing other than the fact that I lost some friends because they didn’t let me explain things; but just like I have discovered, you have to realise that not everyone is like that.  Some other person you call a racist  &  phobic CAN end up feeling as awful as you felt when I didn’t validate what you thought in outright words.  Racist, Nazi  &  Homophobic are VERY powerful words that tumblr has made seem like nothing,  &  they can hurt, so, I say, for the sake of everyone else, instead of  i m m e d i a t e l y  accusing someone of bigotry, racism, or phobia, I ask that you approach them, speak to them outright with a simple question, because, for all you know, this same sort of misunderstanding of lack of caring about words could happen,  &  big bad words are hurtful, too.   If someone else in my position wasn’t so confident in themselves, they could begin to think of themselves as hypocrites or literally worse only because they didn’t word things right.  So please, be careful, just like I promise that I will be. 

                &,  again, I am most deeply sorry for all the hurt I have caused for my careless words; I love everyone, I assure you, I do,  &  from now on I will make sure any word I write says exactly that specifically.  Please do smile at least once simply because you can, you are important  &  wonderful,  &  I PRAY one day you are able to see such a thing for yourself as well. 

All the love, always ~Mel

[bbbarneswrites]

Tender Nights

Bucky Barnes x Reader

Summary: Bucky’s sleepless nights are way more pleasant now. For complete different reasons. Genre: Romance/fluff Rating: T Warnings: Swearings 2,887 words

Spotify Playlist

Notes: Hellooo! Here we go with another one I don’t know how I came up with...lmao. Partially based off Blur’s Tender. And for the beach scene I strongly recommend this amazing version of Sufjan Stevens’ Mystery Of Love. Wanna think of the right Bucky for this? Think of very warm and fuzzy Bucky from that interview... :’) And I’m really sorry about the bad ending...lmao. That’s all about it, I guess. HAPPY READING! <3

At first, Bucky’s nights are always accompanied by the ghosts of his past. So much that he’s lost count on how many hours he’s spent wide awake, too afraid to fall asleep but too tired to not give in occasionally.

He comes back to America as a changed man – but with a still tainted image. He no longer is The Winter Soldier and since Thanos’ lastest scheme and his time in Wakanda, the White Wolf’s mantle fall on him. His mind is his own and he’s adjusting to a time that’s not his. But that doesn’t mean people don’t see him for his past, a traitor or a terrorist or both, because there are people who can assure he’s both.

That doesn’t mean his own mind doesn’t betray him sometimes, giving space to the self-deprecating thoughts to nestle in the corners of his tortured brain even after his so called redemption.

There’s a time of his life where he thinks he deserves all that. To be hunted by his past, his demons and his ghosts, the people who don’t tolerate and aren’t kind enough to believe that he was actually a drop of water in a big red ocean of blood that wasn’t his own.

But how can he believe in all that now?

How can he believe that punishment is the only fair thing that can happen to him when you veemently defend and fight for him every day? How can he believe that the blood of his victims will stain his hands forever when you’re sweet enough to melt to his touches? How can he believe he’s not worthy of anything good when you happened in his life just like that?

So, yeah. At first, Bucky’s nights are always accompanied by the ghosts of his past.

But he’s come to learn that right now is the most important thing in his life, that he can’t change the past but he can hope for the future. A future where you’re with him, not clueless about the things he’s done but aware enough to know that even though he’ll probably be scarred forever, he was never the one at fault in everything that happened.

Back then, he dreaded the silence and the darkness of the night. Right now, he can’t help but appreciate how tender the atmosphere feels.

The clock set on his bedside table is shining as it marks 3:00AM and even though Bucky’s still awake, the light feeling flaring on his chest makes the entire situation completely different from the ones he’s lived through during his stay in Romania. He feels a good kind of drowsy, just the right amount to make his movements slow and lazy but still not enough to make him fall asleep just yet.

He knows the reason behind it and almost as if knowing his thoughts, the same one breaks up the gentle silence filling the moon lit room.

“Are you going to fall asleep on me?” You ask with a small smile, head resting on his chest and hair tickling his skin as all Bucky can seem to do is hum lazily in response, eyes closed but lips holding back a grin because he can feel your stare upon his frame as you continue. “If I reckon correctly, Mr. Barnes, you said that you had plans for the night. Am I wrong?”

With your words out, Bucky fails miserably in his attempt of trying to hold back a smile and as soon as he opens his eyes, his chest warms up with affection and love as he takes in the sight of you against him.

Years ago, he was in Romania barely holding himself together.

His nights were lonely and troubling and even through his constant state of denial, a small part of him longed for someone to accept him, even when he thought no one deserved a man as fucked up as he was. He longed for someone who’d make him feel anything but heartbreak, anything but the way his mind was broken. He longed for someone that would help him heal.

Shuri fixes him in the literal meaning of the word. And he thinks he’s healed until he meets you. And so he realizes – back then, he was just fixed but right now, he’s healed.

And it’s exactly all this that heals him every single day of his life.

A night where he can’t be further away from loneliness, lying by your side in the little apartment he was able to afford in his home borough. A night where your body finds solace in his arms and your skin makes home against his. A night where he’s granted with the pretty sight of you clad in one of his numerous black t-shirts and a pair of cotton panties.

A night where everything feels tender, to the thoughts in his mind to the feel of your hands on his chest.

“I’m not fallin’ asleep.” Bucky drawls, a tinge of amusement lighting up his voice as shifts on the bed to crawl on top of you, right arm set on one side of your face to hold up his weight as the left moves to your pull your leg around his waist. “But if we follow my plans right now we might wake up the neighbors, just so y’know.”

Your laugh feels like a reward for the tiring day of training he’s had in Tower earlier and it’s impossible to hold back a smile of his own once the sound fills up the room. It’s dark and the bedroom is poorly illuminated but his eyes can spot every detail on your face from the privileged point of view.

The form of your lips, the shape of your eyes, the tip of your nose. The little spots that you hate and the skin that he loves. It’s like he can never get enough.

When his head dips down, Bucky revels on the way you instantly bare the expanse of your neck to his mouth. With his brown hair falling in curtains around his face and your cheek, his gentle kisses trail all the way up to your ear, going down to your cheeks and chin and jawline until his lips are on yours and you’re sighing compliant at the rough feel of his growing beard.

Bucky’s not prepared to stop – not when your hands make its way to his exposed back by trailing its fingertips through his shivering skin and most definitely not when your hips are squirming under his.

So he can’t help but grumble in mild frustration when you pull back out of nowhere.

“You said we can’t wake the neighbors. And you did got a complaint about noise last month, so...” You let your words trail though you’re smiling, feeling Bucky’s own smile against your skin as his face is pressed against your collarbones, lips still pressing little kisses until you pull him back again. “Let’s talk about something else, shall we?”

Bucky can only hum in feigned annoyance as he falls back on the bed, his hair covering the pillows in a way that makes your heart tingle with affection. But as soon as he’s settled down again, his hands are reaching for your waist and he’s pulling you to his top instead, a little yelp escaping from your lips as you straddle his waist and rest your hands on his chest to steady yourself.

Right now, the clock is hitting 3:20AM but neither of you are feeling a tinge of sleep anymore.

“You wanna talk about that night we got the noise complaint? ‘Cause I remember all ‘bout it.” Bucky says smugly, his accent slipping through every word and giving away how relaxed he’s currently feeling despite the not-so-gentle slap you grant him with after the said comment. “C’mon, doll. It was a good night.”

He laughs with that glint in his eyes and locks his gaze on you, waiting eagerly for your admission to come alight through your clearly broken resolve.

Holding back a smirk of your own, you keep yourself silent as you lean down over him and rest your head on his chest again, heartbeat drumming against your ear as Bucky raises a hand to push a few strands of hair away from your face. When a little sigh escape from your lips, Bucky can’t help but chuckle because he knows you’re about to give in.

“Okay, yeah. Especially when you did that thing with your fingers– that you should do again sometime.” You admit coyly, burying your face against his chest with a smile when he laughs openly, the sweet sound bringing butterflies to your stomach as you press a kiss to his skin. “You’re so good, Bucky Barnes.”

As soon as your words hit home, Bucky feels his heart speed up almost instantly.

He knows he’s come a long way to come into terms with his past. He knows that for every single person who villify him, there are five more willing to defend him. He knows he’s got you by his side at all times. And although it was hard, he’s come to accept himself as the man he is now, good and bad deeds included.

Bucky can be a man out of time, an ex-assassin, a soldier, Avenger, whatever people want to label him as now. A good man, even if every now and then he feels like it’s a little too hard to believe in that.

“That’s all on you, sweetheart.” He says after a heartbeat of silence, sounding light in a way you know he’s smiling joavially even though you’re not looking at him, your eyes closed as you take in the soft feel of his fingers on your sides. “You make me feel like I’m a good man.”

Fingertips reaching for his neck and making its way into his hair, you lean up to press your lips against his again, smiling against his mouth when he hums contently at the tender way you’re kissing him. Even though it doesn’t last for long.

Bucky’s hands soon are sliding to your hips, fingers hooking through the waistband of your panties as he pulls you closer to him and takes the time to slide his lips to your neck with not so light sucks he knows will be marked by tomorrow. Just in time as he gets his hands under your shirt, trailing softly on the smooth skin of your back, you pull back again but this time laughing at his pained groan.

“Let’s do something! Take your Harley and go somewhere!” You beam up at him, balancing your hands on each side of his face as you prop yourself up with a smile that he’s fully aware can make him do anything. “Let’s go to a diner and grab burgers somewhere like Coney Island or something. Please?”

Bucky genuinely loves the idea but even if he didn’t, he’d indulge you anyway just to see you brimming happiness around him. It’s a little sacrifice that can make his days worth it, if anything.

So as soon as he nods his head with a soft ‘let’s do it!’, you’re hopping off the bed with an excited shriek, making three steps to the closet before coming all the way back to press a deep kiss against his grinning lips, hands squishing his cheeks before you run again to grab your clothes.

It doesn’t take long until you’re both dressed – his shirt now tucked inside the waistband of your shorts, matching with your sneakers and hoodie. Meanwhile Bucky doesn’t even bother, his sweatpants, shirt and leather jacket doing enough for a mid-night food run. With his Harley’s keys in hand and your frame tucked under his arm, you’re off to go into an adventure he could never see it coming hours ago.

A little more than thirty minutes later and you’re both with your feet on the sand, hands busy with the bags of burgers and fries and milk-shakes as you walk around for the perfect spot.

Bucky does little to hide his smiles as he watches you fumble around with your phone and earbuds while trying to balance the little milk-shake tray between your fingers, your laugh echoing through the silent beach in a way that makes him feel nothing less than complete.

But now as you sit down on the sand with Bucky’s jacket under you, the first thing to worry about is the music.

“Okay, Bucky Barnes, you gotta tell me what’s your music mood today.” You speak up as seriously as you can, breaking your façade with a little grin as Bucky offers you a fry and you don’t hesitate before taking it from his fingers. “You can’t say Justin Bieber though. I’ve heard his last two albums jamming in the tower’s gym for too long now.”

Bucky just keeps his unimpressed face and you can’t help but laugh, almost breaking his act by kneeling beside him and wrapping your arms around his neck with a little salty peck to his lips.

As soon as you sit back down though, his sour face is back in just a flick of a moment.

“Gotta blame that damn bird for that.” Bucky grumbles as he ruffles through the bag of food, his friendly beef with Sam instantly making you laugh as he affectionately refers to the said man as ‘bird’, forgoing his real name as he always does. “Keeps that goddamn awful pop music of his all fuckin’ morning.”

You laugh heartily but don’t say a thing, choosing to nestle your frame beside his as you keep scrolling religiously through your music app, only stopping every now and then when Bucky himself takes the task to feed you instead, popping a few fries to your mouth and placing the milk-shake’s cup straw between your fingers.

Bucky doesn’t mind it one bit but once he catches a glimpse of your phone screen with a growing playlist taking up the space, he’s most definitely lying if he says he’s not touched by it.

Things have changed so much, more than anyone will ever realize.

His nights, that were always accompanied by the ghosts of his past and the paranoias of his mind, are now filled with sweet kisses, soft beach sounds, comfort food and gentle music in form of bucky and [y/n]’s night out playlist. He’s so taken by the moment that he doesn’t even notice your commotion as you happily press play on the finished piece, only breaking out of his reverie when your voice takes on the singing beside him.

With the come and go of songs, it feels like the hours pass by in minutes and soon the sun is threatening the comforting darkness you’ve been in so far.

Back then, the sunrise would be a painful evidence of his haunted mind and lingering troubles. Right now, it just feels like the perfect moment to hold you in his arms and admire the beauty of it for the first time.

So with your back against his chest and arms around your frame, you and Bucky settle to watch the sunrise, one of your favorite songs playing in the background and mixing with the pleasant sound of the waves hitting the shore.

Feeling his beard scratching the nape of your neck as he presses gentle kisses to the spot, you smile contently before turning around inside his hold – arms around his neck to push him down to lay back in the sand with a chuckle. His hair does the same thing as it did on the pillows and you look at him like he’s an angel. Because he kinda looks like one right now.

Mouths barely touching and noses nuzzling against one another, you can only sigh dreamily at him.

“Wish we could stay here forever. Skip work and school and all that to just stay here.” You chuckle affectionately over his lips, eyes fluttering at the feel of his fingertips brushing over your burning cheeks before you lean closer to his touch with a sheepish smile. “We should stay here forever.”

Bucky huffs out a little laugh, lips meeting yours in a barely there kiss as both of his arms fall over your frame, his hold tightening around you so you’re comfortably nestled against him as he ponders over the idea.

Both of you know it’s silly but that doesn’t mean it wouldn’t feel good.

Bucky can’t say the idea isn’t appealing and he can’t help but wonder if maybe, in a few years from now, you both will be able to bring that thought to reality. Maybe, in a few years, in a world where he’s no longer needed or wanted for his bloodied hands. A world where his name can be right next to yours, if he’s not asking for too much.

He likes the idea but he likes right now too – a night where he can’t be further away from loneliness, lying with you in his favorite spot from his home borough. A night where he’s dared to hope for the future for the first time and a night where his past is a distant thought in his mind.

So with a hope filled heart and an eye for the future he’s just thought of, Bucky doesn’t spend another second to assure it.

“We will.”

[selfless1978]

So, occasionally I just sit by myself, and listen to music. All varieties. I think I’ve mentioned before that I have no favorite artist, but favorite songs for certain situations. And I can’t tell you how many times I’ve connected songs to my stories, and RPs. This, is one that hit me deeply when I listened to it.

Now, before I continue with this story, I have to thank @ravenousterrapin for giving me the chance to play this version of Vicky in our RP. But, in order to do that, I had to come up with an origin story for her in this RP, because she gets her wings and water powers from a completely different event in my stories. But, the core concept is going to be the same. Vicky is still a fighter, but for an unimaginable army…..

Here, is how I imagine her ascension to elemental water angle in this particular story.

Refusing to break

Vicky had never been so scared in her life. 

It was chaos. The chaos of war.

The battle raged. All around her, gunfire rang out. Mortars struck the ground. There was screaming, cries of the injured, still bodies of the already dead. Her team leader was down below, in the passenger seat as he frantically screamed into the radio for air support. Vicky couldn’t make out the words over the sound of her m249 blasting out the rounds, trying desperately to pin their ambushers down to buy them time. Time, that Vicky and her team finally ran out of. 

The mortar came in, she saw it coming, screamed out a warning. But instinctively knew it was over….

Everything was over….

“I love you Mom, Dad. And I’m sorry. And I’m sorry Amy. That I couldn’t do anything to change this world…” A single tear slid down her 21 year old cheek. The last she would ever shed.

Then the round hit, and everything was pain and fire.

I will have to die for this I fear There’s rage and terror and there’s sickness here I fight because I have to I fight for us to know the truth

She wasn’t alone. 

Even as she floated in the darkness, she knew she wasn’t alone.

Vicky wasn’t sure what this was, but it was dark, empty. Cold and foreboding.

She didn’t want to be here. It was lonely.

“This is what happens to those who lose all faith in everything.” A gentle woman’s sounded next to her. “They hold no faith, and therefore become restless souls. Peace can be found here, yes, but this is not the kind of peace a tortured soul deserves.”

“Who are you?” Vicky was beyond confused, but, she had to admit, with the voice came a soothing warmth.

“Someone who can offer you a chance to live again. For you to relearn faith and hope. But it comes with conditions.”

“Like what?” 

“You may never visit your family. You will not be the same, and your sudden reappearance after your fiery death will only upset them. None of humanity may know of your existence. You must remain hidden from them. But, there is one who strongly feels you can do great good and wonders if you accept. Her faith in you is unwavering.”

The long haired brunette sighed and shook her head. “How do you expect me to accept when you hide behind nothing and talk to me in riddles. I’m to tired of life to deal with more manipulation.”

There was a glow. A golden pinprick of light that reminded her of sunshine. It slowly grew, shifting from an orb of light into a female figure. A woman emerged, a small frame that held Asian features. “I, am Amaterasu, Goddess of the sun. And with the power of sun, I can give you hope. A promise of new beginnings, just as each day is reborn. The sun, is much more than a source of light, child, it’s light give hope to those who fear the dark. It is the base of life, and the reason life flourishes.” 

The woman reached out and stroked Vicky’s hair, sympathy and empathy in her expression. “But light can not do it alone. It needs help of the elements. Water to feed life, fire to burn the dead away to clear area for new, earth for the seeds to sprout, and winds to carry the seeds. That is how life is sustained so all may thrive.”

“And what does this have to do with me?”

“Because you have the strength to become a champion of light. To fight against the darkness that consumes everything. I believe in you, and so does Amy. It was her plea that led me to you after your death.”

“A-amy?” Even here, Vicky teared up. Missing her childhood friend so much, and reliving the guilt of her death.

“You can do this Vicky.” 

Vicky’s eyes widened as another form appeared. There she was, the friend she had lost and mourned…. A trembling hand covered her stunned mouth before tears over whelmed her. “I am so sorry, I should of said something sooner… I could have stopped him, I could have……”

“Vicky, stop.” Those bright hazel eyes crinkled at the corners with a gentle smile as she cupped Vicky’s chin, lifting it so the woman had to face the child. “You did nothing wrong. So many have tried to tell you that, but you still held that burden tight to your heart. I’m finally figuring out that you’ll never let it go, so, do this for me then if you feel the need to make it up to me.” Amy’s gentle smile turned into a mischievous grin. “I remember how much you wished to be able to fly…. You’ll get that chance.”

And with those cryptic words, Vicky’s friend once more left, and only Amaterasu remained. 

Vicky stared long and hard at where Amy had been, taking deep breaths to calm herself, then she looked at the Goddess with calm, determined features. “I accept.”

Amaterasu nodded, her smile wide. “Then let us begin.”

There’s not enough rope to tie me down There’s not enough tape to shut this mouth The stones you throw can make me bleed But I won’t stop until we’re free Wild hearts can’t be broken No, wild hearts can’t be broken

The next sensation she felt was water. Her soul had been gently guided from that black void, and she found herself underneath the gently rippling waves. Watching in awe as the beams of sunlight pierced the depths around her. Fish, large and small, swam. A shark’s appearance scattered them and she could hear the distant cry of a whale. 

She was in the vast ocean, seeing it’s true beauty for the first time. Not what was on the surface, but what was underneath. 

‘All this beauty is in danger.’ Vicky couldn’t see her, but the voice in her head was Amaterasu’s. ‘Demons of the dark realm, the hells of all religions, begin to stir. Wanting to claim this world as theirs, and destroying it.’

‘I won’t let them.’

“I know. This kind of fight runs deep in you. You have always fought for the reasons you feel right. Your heart loves this world, even if your mind struggles with pain and disappointment. You are much like water. Can be calm and serene, but when given proper reason and abilities, you can unleash a storm. You have always been close to water.’ 

Vicky smiled, remembering all the times she went swimming, her parents always having to threaten severe punishments to get her out.

‘And now? Now, my new champion, it will be forever bound to you, and be at your beck and call.’

This is my rally cry I know it’s hard, we have to try This is a battle I must win To want my share is not a sin

Vicky could not describe the sensation. There were no words to describe it. 

She could feel her body grow more substantial, taking it’s shape again. But also, the water around her began to move. Flowing slowly around her at first, but it ever quickened. A vortex surrounding her. her long hair was swirling around her wildly as the water raged. then, she could feel it merging, becoming a part of her. She could feel the need to breath air as her lungs reformed, change to accepting the water’s own form of nourishment to keep her alive. While under the surface, the water supplied her body with the oxygen it carried in it’s own make up.

Vicky closed her eyes, accepting the transformation. She began to glow, a bright blue beacon under the waves. The aquatic wildlife that had swan calmly before, now fled in fright as her body formed more and more, until, she was once again solid. She was alive.

There’s not enough rope to tie me down There’s not enough tape to shut this mouth The stones you throw can make me bleed But I won’t stop until we’re free Wild hearts can’t be broken No, wild hearts can’t be broken

Still, the goddess wasn’t finished with her.

Suddenly, almost violently, wing bones exploded out of Vicky’s back. Flaring wide as muscles, tendons, and finally skin settled into deep blue feathers rapidly beginning to grow and fill out. Armor forged of water appeared on her body, encasing her body in it’s protection. And a sword formed in her hand, it’s sheath at her waist.

And with them, Vicky was given the knowledge how to use her wings, she was shown how to fly.

She could fly….

A small tear of awe spurned on by Amy’s final statement was lost into the vast pool of fluid around her.

She could fly….

You beat me, betray me You’re losing, we’re winning My spirit above me You cannot deny me My freedom is burning This broken world keeps turning I’ll never surrender There’s nothing, but a victory

She burst through the waves. The glow flaring one bright time before it faded. Water spreading around her in a halo as she emerged, wings wide spread, her new armor glistening in the sun as the water drops fell down her frame. In her right hand, a blade. Blue as the clearest sea, and sharp enough to fell many of the most resistant demon world foes. 

Vicky raised her face to the sun as she hovered, eyes closed as she felt the light breeze against her face, stirring her hair. Then she slowly opened them. They flared a brilliant blue for just a moment, before the woman smiled. With a mighty flap of her wings, she shot into the skies. To rejoin her mistress at her mountain home, and await the first call of alarm to be sounded.

Once more the battle would rage.

This time, Vicky welcomed it.

There’s not enough rope to tie me down There’s not enough tape to shut this mouth The stones you throw can make me bleed But I won’t stop until we’re free Wild hearts can’t be broken Wild hearts can’t be broken This wild heart can’t be broken