#I spent it curled up on a family member's couch with my partner--in pain and feeling DEEPLY sorry for myself.

[yesmissnyx]

This Valentine's day sucked 😔🤘

[bbyx]

ripple effect - part five

Summary: During her fourth year at Hogwarts, (y/n) Deauxville falls for none other than Cedric Diggory. But it's not easy when you have to deal with protecting your family's fortune, keeping your father's illness a secret and having two of your closest friends catch feelings for you.

Pairings : reader x cedric, reader x draco, reader x harry

(y/n) walks inside the huge double doors of Hogwarts when she gets hit in the face by a balloon. It explodes and leaves her soaking wet.

"Oh fuck you Peeves."

Peeves shrieks in delight seeing Millicent’s smooth newly straightened hair frizz back up to her usual red curls.

(y/n), Millicent and Daphne walk inside the bright Great Hall.

You eye your usual spot where Draco is sitting with his henchmen and you drag your friends away. They shoot you confused looks because you always sit in the exact center of the Slytherin table but you smile reassuringly.

"I want to be near the front today. So Daphne can have a front row seat to her sister's sorting ceremony."

Daphnee looks charmed by your thoughtfulness.

Thank god I was born a good liar.

The hat sings another ridiculous song. The first years line through the great hall and Professor Mcgonagall begins shouting names out. You start cracking your knuckles waiting for someone else to be sorted into Slytherin so your house can cheer loudly,

"Greengrass, Astoria"

"SLYTHERIN"

What seems like the entirety of the Slytherin house jumps up and cheers for the little brunette girl.

A proud looking Astoria Green takes the hat off and hurries to the Slytherin table, where everyone was applauding her. Harry caught a glance of (y/n) cheering Astoria on. For a fleeting second, Harry had a strange desire to join the Slytherin table too.

During the whole dinner, (y/n) could feel Draco's eyes burning into the back of her head. She focused hard on not looking to her right and meeting his eyes. But during  dessert, while searching for the treacle tart, you meet his eyes. He looks strangely hurt?

As soon as Dumbledore starts his usual speech you zone out and start thinking about the hundreds of things on your mind and worrying about your father's business.

"It is also my painful duty to inform you that the inter-house Quidditch Cup will not take place this year."

"WHAT! Did he just... That's ridiculous... He can't possibly... Tell me he didn't just say... no quidditch?" You're at a loss for words.

Even if (y/n) didn't play Quidditch herself she was the Slytherin team's number one fan. She was there at any game, didn't matter the weather, and she screamed her lungs out cheering. The team even gave her an honorary member's Quidditch robe for Christmas. It was one of her most cherished possession.

For the first time this evening, you willingly look at Draco. You know that as the Slytherin Seeker Draco would be flipping tables. His cool gray eyes meet yours. He looks utterly unphased. You cock your head to the side, silently asking him What the fuck is going on?.

Just wait. He mouths back. (y/n) rolls her eyes at him, obviously annoyed and turns away.

A battered looking man bursts through the doors. His glass eye jerking around then fixes on (y/n). A shudder goes down her spine.

What a creepy little man.

"May I introduce the New Defense against The Dark Arts teacher" Professor Dumbledore bellows. "Professor Moody!"

Jesus fucking Christ.

"As I was saying" Dumbledore continues " we have the honour of hosting a very exciting event over the coming months, an event which has not been held for over a century. It is my greatest pleasure to inform you that the Triwizard Tournament will be taking place at Hogwarts this year."

"YOU'RE JOKING!" says Fred loudly.

You were too busy trying to remember a conversation you overheard at the Burrow about Professor Moody to process all the excitement around you.

As students start to file out of the Great Hall, you feel someone tug at your robes.

"Do you know there's house elves at Hogwarts?" Hermione presses.

" Um yeah, never been to the kitchens?"

"No. And it wasn't mentioned in Hogwarts: A History." She purses her lips and continues.

"Do you have house elves (y/n)."

"We had a couple elves when I was little but then one of my dad's muggle business partners accidentally spotted one and the ministry had to erase his memory. Quite a funny little accident actually. So then my dad freed the elves and got muggle staff. Why?"

"Oh (y/n)! We have to do something about the house elves. It's basically slave labour. I was thinking about starting an organisa-"

She gets cut off by Fred and George.

" That's bloody bullshit! They can't do that!" George bursts. " We're seventeen in April, why can't we have a shot!"

"They're not stopping me entering." says Fred stubbornly. " The Champion'll get to do all sorts of stuff you'd never be able to do normally. And a hundred thousand Galleons."

"Yeah" says Ron wistfully "Yeah, a hundred thousand Galleons."

"God, Ron don't tell me you were actually thinking of entering. You wouldn't last a second" You tease.

"I'd last longer than you." He says poking his tongue out.

"Don't know about that" Harry joins.

"(Y/N) C'MON YOU'RE TAKING FOREVER." Daphne hollers from across the hall.

Ron turns a little pink when he hears her voice. Even though he would never admit it, you know he had a slight crush on Daphne.

You wave the Gryffindors goodbye and go meet your other friends.

"Death toll, huh?" Millicent says.

"Who do you think is gonna enter?" Daphne quips.

"I know Nick is gonna want to enter." Rolling your eyes at Millicent, who's blushes furiously whenever you mention your brother. " And probably some of his friends."

"You think Jeremy Barlett will enter? You shattered his nose less than a day ago!"

"Who knows" You laugh.

"(y/n)!"

You turn at the sound of that voice.

"Don't forget our date Saturday" Cedric shouts from the other end of the hallway. A group of Ravenclaw girls glare at you. You blush furiously as you walk towards him.

"A date, huh?" You smirk "Sorry Diggory I have no clue what you're talking about

He laughs. A beautiful melodic laugh. "Saturday, nine thirty, Great Hall."

"Only if you bring chocolate frogs" You cross your arms. He shakes his head and chuckles.

"Done."

You see Nick and his friends round the corner of the hallway, they join Cedric’s side.

"Oi Ced! Is my little sister annoying you?" Nick chuckles.

Yay! The arrogant asshole's here.

"Oh fuck off Nick" You say hitting him with the back of your hand.

"Feisty" Says Xavier, his Ravenclaw friend.

"Now now (y/n), that's no way to speak to your brother, the future Triwizard champion." Nick boasts.

You stifle a sarcastic laugh.

"Nick, you're not seriously thinking about entering" (y/n) wheezes "even Jeremy, with his broken nose, has a better chance of winning than you."

Nick shoots you the dirtiest look. Eager to change the subject he says

"Any of you guys entering?"

"Maybe"

"Sure thing"

"Absolutely"

"Of course"

(y/n) is taken aback by Cedric's answer. She turns to him.

"You're entering?"

Cedric looks down at the pretty little face looking up at him."You're entering?" She asks, a worried grimace flashes across her face."Yeah why ? Don't think I can do it?" He would never admit it but her opinion mattered to him, a lot. "No um I mean you're really talented but are you sure you should. It's.. it’s really dangerous."

Cedric doesn't miss the slight blush that sweeps across her cheeks as she says this.

Before he could answer, Professor McGonagall stomps in.

"Everyone to your common rooms now!"

"We'll talk Saturday, okay?"

She smiles his favourite slight smile. "See you later Diggory."

"Goodnight (y/n)." Cedric smiles the whole way back to the Hufflepuff common room.

"Let me get this straight" Daphne says walking inside the Slytherin common rooms. "Cedric freaking Diggory asked you on a date! And you didn't bother mentioning it to us! For God sakes (y/n)!"

"More importantly what are you gonna wear?" Millicent asks as the three of you sit down on one of the leather couches.

"Hadn't really thought about that." You admit to her. She huffs and playfully rolls her eyes.

"Don't worry we'll find you the perfect date outfit." Daphne reassures you.

"Date?" A low posh voice curiously chuckles. On the couch facing you are the rest of your Slytherin friends. Draco, Theodore and Blaise. Crabbe and Goyle were there as well but due to their lack of personality, they were more like furniture.

"Yes, Draco. A date. Is that so surprising?"

" With who? Your new friend Potter?" He sneers, obviously jealous of how much time you've been spending with Harry.

"Cedric Diggory." The look on Draco's face was absolutely priceless.

He scoffs. "A Hufflepuff? You could do better"

"I would never be caught dead on a date with a Puff" Pansy says, eager to join the conversation.

"Trust me Pansy, you're not gonna be caught dead on a date with anyone." You answer back.

The boys try to muffle their laughter while the girls spread out leaving no room for her to sit. She sits on the arm rest anyways. The subject of the conversation quickly changes.

"Did you see his glass eye?" Blaise asks you.

"How could she miss it" Millicent laughs " He was staring at her the entire time." Draco seems to stiffen at those words.

"While I was at the Burrow this summer, I overheard Mr.Weasley and Mr.Diggory talking about him and they said he's basically insane."

Draco chokes on his drink.

"YOU SPENT YOUR SUMMER WITH THE WEASELS!?"

"Got a problem with that, Draco?" You ask, arching your brows at him.

"Is it true they sleep in carton boxes, on the ground?" Pansy snickers looking extra proud of her oh-so-witty remark.

"Pansy, I hope you fall down the stairs and break your neck." You say in your sweetest voice.

She finally goes up to her dormitory, defeated.

"Alright goodnight boys. We're going up." You say.

Draco looks like he's about to say something else but you shoot him a I don't wanna hear it glance and walk up the stairs.

At the opposite end of the castle, Harry, Ron, and Neville got into their pajamas and into bed. Someone — a house-elf, no doubt — had placed warming pans between the sheets. It was extremely comfortable, lying there in bed and listening to the storm raging outside.

"I might go in for it, you know," Ron said sleepily through the darkness, "if Fred and George find out how to . . . the tournament . . . you never know, do you?"

"S'pose not. . . ."

Harry rolled over in bed, a series of dazzling new pictures forming in his mind's eye. . . . He had hoodwinked the impartial judge into believing he was seventeen . . . he had become Hogwarts champion . . . he was standing on the grounds, his arms raised in triumph in front of the whole school, all of whom were applauding and screaming . . . he had just won the Triwizard Tournament. . . . (y/n)'s face stood out particularly clearly in the blurred crowd, her face glowing with admiration. . . .

Harry grinned into his pillow, exceptionally glad that Ron couldn't see what he could

[goodbyecringe]

(Un)Natural Selection Chapter 18

Éponine

Enjolras spent the plane ride jumping from each Elite girl arranging date after date. I knew forcing the kiss last night would throw him over the edge. He would have never considered me to be anything more than his political partner if I hadn’t initiated that kiss. I could tell that he was questioning how long he would keep me in the Selection and I wasn’t here with the right intentions. But I must have offended him because he hadn’t made eye contact with me since we boarded the plane.

I fidgeted with the black sleeves on my dress until Cosette moved to sit across from me. She, like the rest of The Elite, was in a conservative black dress that had long sleeves, since the weather had begun to grow colder. I had never seen her in any remotely dark color, but even in black, she radiated positivity. We sat together in silence preparing for the solemn occasion while Claudia made rounds to each group of girls to brief them about the proper protocol.

“Under absolutely no circumstance should you smile, grin, doze off, or move your eyes excessively. You are not to take any of the attention away from Prince Enjolras and the meaning of this trip,” Claudia said in a serious tone.

“Where should we look? Should we look directly at Enjolras or out into the crowd?” Cosette asked.

I would have never been able to think of that question.

“I would encourage you to give your attention to His Highness. If the press believes you’re disinterested they might try to create a new story.”

Cosette gave a deep nod of understanding.

“Do you have any questions Miss Éponine?” Claudia asked.

I felt like I had to come up with something, even if Claudia would berate me for it.

“How should we sit? Are we all tucking our left or right ankles?” I asked.

“Well you will all be sitting stage right, so I would recommend universally tucking the right ankle so it points to His Highness,” she thought, bringing her hand to her face.

“What a great question, Éponine! I would have tucked my left ankle,” Cosette lied to make me look better in front of Claudia.

Claudia quickly began to clarify with the other Elite so there wouldn’t be any misconceptions about how we were to sit. I rolled my eyes as Cosette laughed.

“You didn’t have to lie just to save me from the wrath of Claudia,” I smiled.

“I didn’t lie, the nuns taught me that lying is never acceptable. I really could have tucked my left ankle,” she shrugged as I rolled my eyes.

We sat in silence, watching Enjolras move from May to a solitary seat towards the front of the plane. I could only assume that he had exhausted himself socializing with all of the girls so quickly.

“Don’t you think it’s refreshing to be out of the palace, Éponine?” Cosette asked.

“I guess. I don’t really mind being stuck in the palace all of the time.”

“Yes, it is rather beautiful. But I did start to get cabin fever a few months ago, but thanks to Enjolras I can now go out to the garden whenever I want,” she smiled.

I was surprised to hear that since none of the Selected girls were permitted in the gardens without permission due to safety concerns. Enjolras had bent the rules for Cosette, so were they closer than I had realized? Then again, Enjolras bent the rules for me every time I went to a meeting with Les Amis.

“When is your next date?” I slipped, not thinking before I spoke.

“He wants to go horseback riding after breakfast tomorrow. Listening to the other girls it sounds like he has a busy week ahead of him,” she frowned.

“What’s wrong with that?” I asked, wondering what had upset the usually bubbly Cosette.

“I’m just worried that Enjolras doesn’t reciprocate any of our feelings. I mean he’s jumping about to make all of these dates so quickly that I’m not sure what's going through his head,” she frowned, looking out of the window.

“Do you love him?”

“He’s very kind to me and I can tell that he cares about me, but I don’t know if I would say I’m in love with him. Papa told me that when you’re in love, you just know. I’ve read books that say when you fall in love it’s like being born again and it’s like nothing else matters. Have you ever felt like that?”

“I think, maybe a little,” I smiled.

I felt my face heat up as I began to picture Marius, who had been so kind to me since we met. Of course, Enjolras was also kind and generous, but he felt more like an intellectual challenge than my soulmate. Whenever I became sad or angry I knew that his calming letters could fix any situation. Even the pictures of Paris had become a sanctuary after listening to Teresa brag for several hours in the Women’s Room. And even though my life would be forever changed for good if I won the Selection and married Enjolras, Marius was different. We didn’t spend any of our time talking about politics, even though Marius was a lawyer. We spoke about poems and the worlds we wished we could live in. Marius was the only person that knew of my family’s origin. And yet, despite knowing my horrible secret, and he still wrote to me regularly.

When we landed in Carolina, there were more press members than I had ever seen, even more than the day I flew to Angeles. We were instructed to keep a solemn expression as long as we remained in the public eye, to express the seriousness of the occasion. The airport was louder than anything I could remember. Reporters were screaming their questions at all of us and while some of them focused on the crime, most of them concerned the Selection.

“Lady Teresa, who are you wearing?”

“Lady Adele, have you and the Prince kissed?”

“Lady Éponine, how does it feel to cheat the caste system?”

I felt the anger begin to grow so hot that my blood could boil. Illeá was divided on a Six making The Elite. Some thought that I was the perfect picture of Lower Caste representation while others thought that I was a greedy, heartless whore that had slept my way to the top. But both sides were wrong because I wasn’t pristine or heartless. But the longer I was in the palace the more I agreed that the money was a large influence and after last night’s kiss, how far would I go to stay here? Justine had written to me that there was enough money for Azelma, Mercer, and me to attend the most expensive university in Illeá. I didn’t have anything to gain by staying in The Selection any longer. Although, as I sat on the stage with my right ankle tucked I remembered what Enjolras said last night.

He didn’t want me to leave, even after I told him that I was a Six. I had completely forgotten that Enjolras knew I was just like any other servant that worked in the palace. I stared at him while he delivered an emotional and empowering speech on the importance of unity. His blonde curls appeared darker, like the circles under his eyes, showing that he hadn’t slept after he left my room. I noticed that here he stood firm and tall which opposed how he spoke wildly with his hands at the Cafe. Was I really the only member of the Elite that had seen the real Enjolras? Did Enjolras bring the other girls to kitchens to make them sandwiches? Was he lying when he said he didn’t have feelings for me?

Just as Enjolras began to reach the conclusion of his speech I could hear the crowd begin to scream. Enjolras stopped speaking, something I had never seen unless it was me that interrupted him. A loud bang rang through the crowd and all hell broke loose. Citizens ran in every direction trying to move to safety away from the shooter. Another gunshot rang through the area and my body began to move before I could control it. I felt myself jump past the guards that were beginning to shield the Elite and Enjolras. I felt my heel snap beneath my weight as I collided with the Reports that were fleeing.

I smelled him before he grabbed me. The smell of alcohol and cigarettes brought me back sleepless nights on the pull-out couch while Azelma snored lightly. All of the memories of screaming matches, beatings, and the slow-burning pains associated with being a human ashtray made me stop in my tracks. My father grabbed me by my arm and marched me into one of the many buildings that surrounded City Hall. The knife pointed into my side would tighten whenever I would try to fight him and eventually Babet caught up to us so he could hold his gun to my back. When we finally reached our destination, I was handcuffed to a pole on the wall.

“Are you crazy?” I screamed at my father before he slapped me across my face.

“You don’t write, you don’t call, if I didn’t know any better I would say you’ve been avoiding your dear Papa,” he growled.

“Well it’s good to know there really is something in the space between your ears,” I spit at him.

“You little brat, I’ll kill you right here!” He screamed, holding the knife to my neck.

“Go ahead. I’m sure you’ll get away even though the Royal Family would pool all of their resources to find my killer. Your little gang would be discovered and you would all hang,” I snarled.

My face was numb after the third slap.

“Listen here you brat, you’re going to do a job for us. Call it insurance, in case that Prince finds himself a better hussy for his bed. You’re going to start giving Montparnasse the attention he deserves or you’ll get some well-deserved visits. Of course, you should know that If you tell anyone, you can kiss your loverboy goodbye,” he sneered.

I wanted to scream but I was being suffocated as something was held over my face. Everything was becoming fuzzy as I felt myself slipping into unconsciousness. When I woke up, it felt like a fever dream. Joly and Combeferre were above my head having a serious discussion.

“We should tell Enjolras about these scars and burns. She was clearly being abused before she came here,” Combeferre whispered.

“That would violate confidentiality, ‘Ferre. We can’t make exceptions to the rule,” Joly refuted.

“If Enjolras knew how bad it really was he might stop ignoring his feelings for ‘Ponine. If his mother didn’t tell him that he needed to see the other Elite, he’d probably stayed here until she was discharged.”

My mind started racing just as everything began to go fuzzy again.

[sasuhinasno1fan]

A mess without you

I'm not hugely familiar with the Leakira au. I know of it and have seen pics that I've reblogged but never actually went and dived in. When I heard people were taking it over as a reboot, I was kinda turned off from it but any pictures I do see are very amazing. Let's just take as it is, a nice au for our boys. Also, Pana as Pidge's name is from a whole AU someone wrote. I just went with it. Leakira

Leandro breathed heavily as he quickly darted into an alleyway, pressing himself against the wall as the Garrison cars rushed past him, still following that hologram he sent in his place. Once he was sure they were gone, he let out a sigh of relief and allowed his legs to lose all strength and dump him on the floor. God, his older brother would be so disappointed in him, getting caught so easily by the Garrison. There’d been a time where he would have been able to lose them in no time at all, sending them in one direction as he went off to catch his next target but not anymore. He’d gotten very used to working with a partner, someone who’d be there at the last second if things started going south. Someone he could trust.

Someone who was missing.

Akira had saved his ass when a particular target was close to crushing his skull in. one second, he was staring up at the target, his arm dislocated and a cut on his forehead and the next Akira came screeching into his life on his motorcycle, subduing the target in a few short, and kinda sexy, moves. He brought Leandro back to his place where he patched him up. He promised he’d help Akira out if he ever needed it as thanks.

Turns out he needed help bringing down a drug ring known as the Galra. They had apparently messed with Akira’s brother, turning him into a guinea pig for their new drugs. Leandro agreed and that’s how they became a team. They were part of a larger one known as Altea, but the two of them, they were partners, could completely trust the other. It seemed natural that eventually their partnership started to mean something else. They’d just been hanging out in Akira’s room and Leandro kept staring at him and then just kissed him. he pulled away sure he messed everything up but Akira pulled him back and kissed him for even longer. They waited a few days before finally talking everything out, but they reached the same conclusion. They wanted to be together. No one else on the team seemed surprised when they didn’t hide their relationship and things just continued as they were. Except he got to kiss Akira whenever he wanted.

Akira, with his badly dyed black hair and the goggles he’d stolen from Leandro that sat on his head and their matching black and red/black and blue jackets. The way his eyes shined when it was just the two of them, the way Akira was more likely to get into trouble trying to save a cat then Leandro, just everything about him he couldn’t help but love.

But during a drug raid, they got separated. Things were actually looking bad and Akira shoved Leandro onto one of Altea’s transports before acting as a decoy on his bike. After 2 days of no word, Leandro started to panic. No one could get through to him as he went after Galra lackies trying to find out where Akira was. All he knew was that Akira hadn’t been caught but they still didn’t know where he was. Even tonight, with his team’s begging, he went and tried to find information from the Garrison’s systems. Which of course he didn’t find anything which then lead to him to getting caught.

Pulling out a pair of glasses, Leandro put them on, the holographic lens activating.

“Oh look, the stupid idiot is sending out an SOS.”

Leandro sighed. Pana, their resident hacker, was not happy when they found out what he was going to do. He didn’t know why calling them now would suddenly change that.

“Pana, you can either continue to yell at me over comms or you can get me out of here and do it in person.”

“Fine, I’m rerouting a line for a bus service to come get you. Be prepared for a whole lot of yelling when you get back!”

Not that he listened to any of it. While Pana stood over them reminding him again and again how stupid he was for trying to sneak into the Garrison, he was staring at the picture he’d brought up on the nearby holoscreen. It had been a picture Pana actually took of Akira and Leandro curled up on one of the couches together. Leandro’s hand was still curled into Akira’s hair as they slept, his hair out of its usual ponytail and missing his goggles, but he was curled up and content. He missed running his hands through Akira’s hair, pointing out the bad job he’d done once again on dying it. He loved Akira’s white hair but it stood out too much on jobs, hence the reason he dyed it. He remembered once when there was a whole month that the Galra were laying low because they had been able to get one of their main officers arrested and Akira let his hair grow out. The way the city lights looked on his white hair, Leandro feel even more in love.

“Are you listening to me?”

“Pana, come on, give it a rest.” Shiro came into the room and rested a hand on Leandro’s shoulder. “He knows it was a stupid idea but his boyfriend has also been missing for almost a month. Cut him some slack.”

“Fine.” Pana sighed. “I’m just saying, Akira will yell at him way worse when he gets back and find out what Lea got himself into.”

“We all know he will. Now Leandro, how about some target practise on a chain of Galra. There’s been word that they’re going to break off and create an even stronger Quintessence drug and I think we should at least stop that from happening.”

Leandro needed something to do before he got so wrapped up in his own head of worrying where Akira was.

There were few lackies protecting the higher officials at the bases so Leandro was in charge of taking them out with his sniper rifle while Shiro took care of downloading the information and destroying the stock. Purple lights from his prosthetic followed his arm as he pounded in the faces of anyone who tried stopping him. just ahead though, he saw a red light moving quickly, like it was part of some weapon someone was fighting with. The dark lighting wasn’t helping him figure it out. Then the light came shooting towards him. he dodged out of the way to see the light, which was a laser blade on a very familiar dagger, was lodged into the head of a lacky he missed who had been close to attacking him.

“Akira?”

From the shadows, Akira emerged. Shiro felt a huge relief at the sight of him. he looked a bit worse for wear, his clothes dirtier than usual and even his hair had whiter in it from it growing out and wasn’t even in its ponytail.

“Where have you been?”

Akira summoned his dagger back with it’s recall function and let Shiro pull him into a tight hug, which he returned.

“I got to the other side of the island but apparently that’s where Hagger is. I spent so long trying to avoid her, when’s she been sending out people to find us. I also met another rebel group. It took so long to finally get a way back here. Word in the underground was that this was your next target. I’m fine, don’t worry but what about Leandro?”

Of course, gone for a month but was more concerned about his boyfriend.

“A complete mess since you’ve been gone.”

“Is it true he broke into the Garrison?”

“To look for you, yeah.”

“I’m going to kill him, he’s such an idiot! What was he thinking?” Akira started to complain, though Shiro could tell he was really worried.

“Hey, destroy stock first then you can yell at him. He’s taking care of officials.”

With Akira’s help, they were able to set charges and get the info Pana needed before Shiro told Leandro to meet him at the rendezvous point. Akira was still muttering about what he was going to do to Leandro for doing something so stupid.  He found out a bit more about the other rebel group who were attacking the Galra, former members or family of members who wanted nothing to do with them. Shiro thought it was worth trying to work with them.

Leandro came down the stairs of a building he’d hopped to, the bag with his rifle on his back when he spotted Akira. He dropped it on the floor as he ran off to meet Akira.

“Akira!”

“Leandro!”

Akira ran to meet him in the middle, though it wasn’t to hug him. As soon as Leandro was close enough, Akira grabbed the closest body part and flipped Leandro over onto his back, staring down at him in anger mixed worry.

“What the hell were you thinking?! You snuck into the Garrison, the guys who are after our butts almost every day? For what? Have you lost your mind? What if something happened to you? It was hell enough not knowing if you were ok, were you seriously going to do that to me?” Akira screamed.

Still on his back, Leandro stared up at his boyfriend, the guy he trusted with his life, and couldn’t help but smile like an idiot.

“I missed you Aki.”

Even though Akira was still upset about what Leandro had done, he wouldn’t deny that it didn’t matter because he was finally back with the man he loved. He pulled Leandro up, and held tight. “I missed you too you big idiot.”

“Your hair grew out. Trying to tantalise me again with your pretty hair?”

“Maybe.”

The two pulled away enough to stare at each other, taking the other in. a whole month without the other was torture, pain and heartache. But they were together now and that’s all that mattered. Not able to wait a second more, Leandro kissed Akira, who squeezed him tighter, never wanting to let go.

“Hi, this romantic reunion is very sweet, but we do actually need to go.” Shiro called out.

“I’ve got my bike. Think they can deal without us for a few hours?” Akira said against Leandro’s lips.

“Fuck if they can’t. I’m letting you go for another few hours at least.” He replied before pulling him back into a deep kiss.

[hellowallflowerfriend]

For my Mentees

“It is not the mountain we conquer, but ourselves.” – Sir Edmund Hillary

                It has been a quiet two days for me in Kentucky. It has been just me and little Dorian flopping around. Dorian has been meeping for food and while we play. He’s been really cuddly at night.

              Rajiv (my partner) has been away in Texas, so the past two days of my vacation have been a vacation with myself. It’s been nice to run again, do yoga again, and practice henna. And now, here I am writing again, reconnecting with my thoughts.

              I know that in two months time, I will be living in a new city, and likely a new state. I will be living with a roommate who I happen to  be in love with. I try to imagine what I will do for work. I try to imagine the little details, like the designs on the curtains, the couches I’ll sit on, the plants I’ll water.

              I am feeling  at the same time two equally strong emotions that are almost on opposite ends of the spectrum. I  am feeling loss, despair, and anxiety as I leave the home I have created for myself. Conversely, I am feeling jubilance, anticipation, and optimism about leaving said home. I feel like a bird sitting at my threshold of my nest wondering… if I try to jump, will I  fly?

              When I first graduated Clemson University, I was so ashamed that I never returned the call from the school district that reached out for an interview. I beat myself up when I decided instead to again tie an apron full of straws around my waist. I  felt like I  had given up. I  was exactly where I started before I even graduated high school, waiting tables. I got the degrees, which I was happy about. But my thought was that I could never be a good teacher. The longer I wore that apron, the further my shoulders curled forward, eyes down, disappearing in front of my own eyes.

              I  felt so alone, like I had no safe haven to curl into.

              I was trying to recover from some deep pain in my heart. I was living through flashbacks and coping mechanisms and denial. I was trying to learn at last what normal looked like. I yearned to know what peace looked like.

              I think this feeling may relate to some of the students I  work with. Here I am, beginning a new path, but what does it mean? What comes next? Will I  fly if I jump?

              The reality is when I  walked into Cherokee Creek for the first time, I  was in disbelief that I  had finally found the courage to apply. I was going to  learn how to stand up for myself, dam*-it! I was going to learn how to lead others. I wanted to walk out of work on my last day with my back finally held straight, my head high, and with warmth still in my eyes.

              In the beginning, I always took work home with me. I read parenting articles before I fell asleep. I spent entire car-rides home wracking my brain, trying to think of how to help these guys. I  slowly earned their respect, and I slowly learned how to say, “No.” I  learned how to set boundaries, to not get taken advantage of, to stand up (for/and) against things that were (not) pointing towards kindness. If I looked violence in the eye, I finally learned how to roar, how to square up, how to  show up if no one else could. I learned how to treat myself as I observed how I treated others.

              I think one of my favorite things about working with these guys is that I get to  show them how love acts. I  have done my very best to model authoritative parenting, and I have tried to show these guys that they can experience secure attachment with others. I have loved learning about these guys-- that one kid is obsessed with snakes; he thinks they’re so cool. Another student has finally stopped defiantly wearing his hat indoors. I can tell when one kid is lying if I tell him to look me in my eyes. I know one kid absolutely loves G-2 pens, carries a case of them with him everywhere. I  am so full of joy with these guys, helping them remember how to be happy. I get paid to walk into work and do my best to be family to these guys.

              I cannot believe the amount of growth I have gotten the gift of receiving during my time at this school. My heart aches when I think of leaving behind these people that I love so much, these growing, confused, silly, angry, reaching young men who have  become like young brothers along the way. I  have already gotten choked up thinking about saying goodbye to these family members from other families.

              I want the students I work with to know that they have been loved. They have been accepted. They are okay just the way they are. I hope that they have learned as they have accepted themselves, to love themselves, and as a result, others. I  hope at least one guy has learned to  turn to running, painting, animals, the outdoors, anything, “real,” and, “true,” to find themselves again. I know that these are things they have taught me.

              And, now: I  am not afraid to teach anymore. I  am not afraid to stand up for myself anymore.  I stand with my back straight. I look people in the eyes. I love myself, so I love others.

              I  walked into the doors of that school broken, hurting, fearful, and hopeful. I leave the doors full of love, with a warrior’s spirit, and I leave them propped open for the person behind me.

              I have known suffering in the past. I venture to say that I am mostly healed, always healing. I am ready to teach because I am ready to learn. If I were to take part in their traditional graduation ceremony, I would leave my graduation rock in the way of the Warrior. I would leave these words for the community:

It may seem like things will never get better, that they can’t. You may feel almost no self-worth. You may be angry, you may hate that life has had to  be this way for you. I leave HOPE for you. You are worthy. You are capable. You can and you will! You can and you will! Keep  your eyes on the future you want. Live the questions, and one day, you will discover that you have slowly lived your way into the answer.