#I sometimes feel bad for only talking and theorizing about these two

[rattkachuk]

Hello! Hope you are having a good day.

So I have a question for you, just ignore when you don't feel like answering.

I came to Mattdrai via the enemies/rivals to lovers tag and then got sucked into hockey. I really like the fanon take on Leon, fav character, fanon Matthew was fine but way too woobified and infantilized in so many fics. So my surprise when I started to watch games, interviews etc. Public Matthew is so confident, so loving, awesome family to back him up, especially Brady, hot as hell, sexy way of playing hockey, amazing public persona. Loved and respected by his team, beyond hockey.

Then Leon. His only trait seems to be that he's pissy which I can appreciate but it seems that he's just a downright mean, arrogant guy with a superiority complex (see that interview when he puts Silovs down.) I don't find him stoic at all but he's just seems boring and bland and yeah, pissy. It doesn't seem like he has fun or likes his team a lot or is liked by them (Connor aside and his skills aside.) His friendship with Connor seems the only endearing or likeable thing. He even looks good in a bland way and his hockey is while it's so skillful it's not hot and also I wonder why his dirty plays aren't called out more often.

So what do I miss? Where does great fanon Leon come from? Why is he written mostly so superior to Matthew and where comes the "his team likes Leon so much but Matthew is an outcast in his own team come from?) It's so far from what I gather from old and new interviews or games and I have watched a lot, also German interviews. I really would like to like Leon, shipping them had been more fun when I didn't find his public self so jarring. What do I not see what everyone else seems to get?

Sorry for the long ask! Have a great day and thank you

first off thank you for such a thought out ask! i don't get to dive into things like this a lot outside of writing fic and it got my brain gears going.

to get right into the bulk of this ask: i get what you are saying about leon. that can be the way he comes off for sure, and look everything i'm gonna say? i'm talking out of my ass here. i don't claim to know anything about him as a person besides what's publicly presented, and i don't have much right to theorize about why he is the way that he is, but i'd be lying if i said i didn't think about it. how would i write rpf otherwise, right 💀

i think he cares a lot. and i think sometimes he gets so wrapped up in things, how things should be, how he should be performing, etc, and when it doesn't go a certain way he gets frustrated and snarky (eg, pissy comments and such). but i don't see that being bad necessarily, especially when it's seems to come from such a team oriented state of mind. which, i dont think he dislikes his team at all? i think if anything, he has a sort of blind faith in his team, and that's the only context i could see a 'superiority complex' making sense in. and yah maybe a little misplaced at times, but ultimately i think it comes from believing so fully in his team and not seeing that come to fruition. he really does not seem to care about his individual performance much at all, so how self obsessed can he be? when i think about leon i just see someone that is ultimately very passionate and committed to the game he plays. i'm also curious to know where you get the vibe that his team doesn't like him? simply because i never got that impression from any of the other oilers, they all seem like they're obsessed with him.

beyond hockey, i see a caring, sweet, kindhearted individual. anytime i see a picture or vid of him interacting with bowie, or even the things his girlfriend posts about him, the comments he leaves for people on ig, and yah of course in the way he talks/acts around connor, i see fragments of someone soooo different than the little two minute post game interviews (which, can we judge any hockey player on those? i think they all hate them dfkjgsd). it's not always something i actively go digging for or have examples of the top of my head, but i do see it, and it definitely goes into creating the version of leon that i have in my mind.

hey, and, he's a silly guy!!! please, i know the reputation is pissy and humourless, ESPECIALLY in fic, but that man is so funny. so many random offhanded comments that make me pause and then laugh. a different sense of humour but it's so there. i love the sandcastle vid from the asg last year and feel like it's a good example of that, all sunburnt and happy. also hey, big man in tune with his fear of the ocean? love that. that little vid of him dancing on the ice earlier this season, those halloween photos where he's dressed as a monkey, every time he talks to a kid. hell, seeing him in warmups and watching the way he takes time to interact fans?? loveee watching warmups but i'd never had a player actually acknowledge my existence before leon!

also i really enjoy his personality on the ice, i like the rat behaviour and the sassy comments that he makes to other players/refs, i like the bitch moves, and i like his hockey too. i think his game is dependable and like you said skillful, and while maybe not the most creative, the sureness and the technical aspect it is hot to me. so my thoughts on everything are probably skewed in that regard.

anyways this was just a whole lot of rambling about why i find him interesting, endearing even, but i understand the perception you have. i don't like some players that other people love, just cause i cant see what they see. and honestly that's sometimes just the way it is! if you don't like leon, maybe u just don't like him and thats fine.

disclaimer that i have only been on hockeyblr for a couple years, and really didn't spare many thoughts for leon til the beginning of the 22/23 season. truthfully i'm hardly the person to ask about leon imo, but of course i have thoughts anyways! if someone else with more knowledge reads my bit of rambling here, please feel free to chime in and add your voice to this!

and side note, ofc, i have to touch on this bc who would i be if i'm not one to talk about matthew; in the way of m.tkachuk, i think that in the early days of mattdrai it was maybe a fair take away during his time with the flames (minus the woobifying). even though he was loved so much here and had some fucking times, and i think the team was mostly good to him (player wise if not regarding management, that is), i see such a stark difference now that he's on the panthers. he seems much happier and more confident, and obviously he's clicking with the cats on another level, and i do see a shift in how he's been portrayed in fics since tbh.

[merakiui]

Reread princess reader x Azul fic because I think about it every single day, and I have thoughts!

First, reader is concerned about hiding pregnancy from Leona...however... he's Leona, so it's very possible he might already know, and that her angst is for naught. He already didn't like Azul, so perhaps a part of him knows, or can smell it, and he's trying to be good husband.....

Secondly! Azul didn't seem to know reader was pregnant when he was talking about caging! How long would it take for him to realize, and would it totally make him break down. Like "ah shoot, my bad, I swear I'm good father, please don't hate me"

Anyways, I'm excited for part two, but I can't stop myself from theorizing. Can't wait to see the dynamics of the new situation 😁

>w< omg thank you for being so excited for the sequel and theorizing its events!!! There's a lot that will happen, so I think it will be much longer than the first part. I can promise lots of drama and angst and schemes!!! >:) it only gets worse from here, and now that Azul is joined by two eels darling's life is about to get very troublesome. But she has Leona and Ruggie!!!! Hopefully they can protect her from tako and the twins. orz

While I can't confirm whether or not Leona knows of darling's pregnancy, I will say that Azul is very emotionally volatile in the fic (though he keeps it hidden for the most part) and so I think if he learned of Reader's pregnancy he will be overcome with so much feeling!! He's happy and scared and triumphant and anxious and so many other things. It was his goal to impregnate you to begin with, so he did succeed! I think he's definitely scared of Reader hating him, but then Reader can't bring herself to hate him no matter how hard she tries. She just feels so bad for him and the situation he endured while trapped in the palace pool for so many years. :( a good portion of his childhood was stolen away when they put him in that tank and gifted him to you. It's really not fair... of course, rather than hatred, Reader is just terrified of him now. Both are just as bad to Azul, but maybe the fear is just slightly worse because at least with hatred he could attempt to change that into love. But fear is hard to overcome sometimes, especially if it's so deeply rooted.

Despite that, he's determined to have you at any cost. He's not returning to the sea without you. Hell hath no fury like a tako scorned.

Though this wasn't included in part one, I imagine Azul and Reader practiced ballroom dancing in the pool when Reader refused to attend lessons with her professional instructor. <3 so instead she'd dance with Azul underwater, the two of them suspended weightlessly in the depths!!! They're a cute couple until the obsession and separation anxiety hits and then it's just so hollowing. ^^;;;; they could have been so sweet together if it weren't for everything that led to Zuzu snapping. >_<

[lexosaurus]

Twelve Hours: Chapter 4

Part 4 of 5 of my fic for Ecto Implosion, the DP reverse mini-bang (artists go first, writers go second)

read on: [ao3]

[see all chapters]

Characters: Danny Fenton, Harriet Chin, GIW (mentioned a lot) Tags: Identity Reveal, Flashbacks, Runaway Danny Fenton, Angst Chapter WC: 3961 Summary: When the GIW revealed Danny to the world, the only thing he could do was run. Run and run and run until he escaped to Chicago, trying desperately to disappear. Too bad it didn’t work.

****

“Although many operatives work within the Ghost Investigation Ward, you’ve been especially outspoken about one in particular. The same man we saw in the interview, actually,” Harriet said, weaving the conversation into a new topic.

He’d been expecting this, of course. Though he never connected the dots so blatantly to the public before, he’d made quite enough digs online and underhanded comments to the press that now any search related to the GIW was sure to result in at least one speculative title theorizing about Phantom’s relationship with one operative.

“Operative O,” Danny stated. “We have a history. Operative K too, even if I don’t talk about him as much.”

“And who was he to you, exactly?”

That really was the question, wasn’t it?

As much as he wanted to dodge the question just as he had done so many times before, he knew he had to metaphorically plant his feet and head straight into the incoming media shitstorm with his head held high.

At least he knew Jazz was backstage. She’d flown out for this, leaving her husband and two kids to fend for themselves in the meantime. And while he should have felt guilty for asking her to do this, overwhelmingly, he only felt relief knowing he had someone here. Danny wasn’t alone; he had someone to hold him and ward away all the darkness that was fighting to grab him with its acid-drenched claws and poison every vein in his body. Darkness that would certainly make its appearance later tonight while he was laying in bed second guessing every life decision that had led him to agree to do this interview at all. And when nightfall would come and Danny would be scrambling to call the station, begging them to please don’t air this episode, I’ll pay you whatever you want, this was a mistake, please don’t air it, Jazz would rip his phone from his fingers—smash it against the wall if she had to—and reassure him that everything was going to be okay. He just had to be brave.

He inhaled. Held. Exhaled.

Okay. He was ready.

“Operatives O and K were partners, and the main two operatives assigned to my case. They both seemed similar to the other operatives at first. Clean-cut, sticklers for the rules, dedicated to their jobs. But as time wore on…you know.” He tried not to squirm in his chair, and he failed. “I thought I knew what would happen if they caught me. I was just so sure I would never get caught that I didn’t think about it. And while I knew deep down that what they were showing me in public was just pretense, I wasn’t prepared for how—how—there’s no other way to say it, but how sadistic they truly were.”

“Both of them?” she asked.

“Sure, but O most of all. When they would punish me in the facility, he was usually the one to do it. Or he would order someone else to do it.”

“Did Operative K punish you at all?”

“Sure, they all did, but none as much as O. It was almost like…” He recalled how his lawyer directed him to phrase the next part. Stick to what happened. Stick to what the courts already know. “I could hear him laughing sometimes when he would punish me. He’d make comments, and he’d be smiling.”

“Do you feel as though he took pleasure from seeing you in pain?”

Yes, Danny wanted to shout. But he couldn’t. Legally. 

Harriet must have known he couldn’t say yes, though. She wasn’t stupid, and neither were the other writers or producers for this program.

Realization dawned on him all at once. They were offering a conclusion without Danny having to say it.

“I can’t say whether he enjoyed it or not,” Danny answered professionally. “I can only tell you what I experienced.”

Smartly, Harriet moved forward. “Do you think the experiences you’ve had with Operative O and K have impacted your relationships with people moving forward?”

“Of course,” Danny said as if it were obvious, because it was. “The abuse I received from them has affected every aspect of every relationship, no matter if it’s family, friends, potential love interests—everyone.”

“Is it hard for you to form new connections now, would you say?”

Forming them was hard, but maintaining them was even more so the impossible challenge that he and his therapist were still working through unpacking.

But who could blame him, really? Not with the very real paranoia that crept up his spine every time he picked up his phone to send a text. Even though Tucker reassured him over and over that the app they were using was encrypted, Danny, it’s okay to talk in here, how could they be sure?

Especially after what happened before?

****

03:00:00

Danny stumbled off the train. He’d spent so long hopping from station to station he’d all but forgotten where he’d been heading in the first place.

Which the answer to that was…nowhere in particular. He didn’t know where most homeless people slept in Chicago, and even so, he still hadn’t decided if it would be a good idea to join them. If just one person got too good of a look at him, he’d be dead.

And in the modern day, even the homeless had cell phones.

But this neighborhood looked safer. Or, at least, less populated. The houses and apartments were run down, and Danny was sure there were more than a few unsavory characters close by, but it was dark, quiet, and therefore, a good place to try to hide.

Or, at least, he hoped so. He’d never exactly tried to sleep anywhere other than in his or his friends’ houses before.

He glanced up at the sky. Though it was dark, when he put a bit of ectoplasm into his eyes, he could see the rolling clouds layering on top of each other.

Unlucky, of course. Since when did luck ever try to be on his side? His first day sleeping outside, and it was going to rain.

He tasted the air, and while the acrid humidity had increased into the evening, it still wasn’t strong enough for Danny to be worried. It would rain, but not yet. He still had time to find a shelter.

Or, whatever shelter he could scrounge up. 

His eyes, still alight with ectoplasm, shifted back in front of him, landing on a telephone pole some feet away. Ever unmistakable on the wood was that damn green sticker with the bird so neon it almost glowed back at him.

“Can’t fucking escape them,” Danny growled, whipping around to walk in the other direction. If that street was going to show its hostility so openly, then fine, he’d just go away.

Just like he always did.

He turned a corner, walking by a brick house that would have been lovely if not for the set of caved-in steps leading up to the door, or the window that looked like it had been shattered by a brick. Danny wondered if anyone was squatting there. Maybe he could hide in there, just for now.

But…what if someone else had the idea first? And then that person called the GIW on him? He could check invisibly, but what if people in Chicago were just as adept at feeling when a ghost entered their room as people in Amity were? It was too risky. He couldn’t do something so bold as go inside an abandoned house.

If not there, though, then where else? Where could he go? Was he forever barred from ever getting shelter, getting safety? Was he only destined to continue searching and searching, coming close but never finding a place to be like some sort of twisted version of Sisyphus? And if so, would the Guys in White be constantly at his heel laughing at him as they watched him get so close only to fail, over and over again?

Was this a game to them? 

No, yes, oh Ancients, maybe. Maybe Operative O was so cruel, so sick in the head that he would relish the opportunity to toy with Danny’s mental sanity like this.

Danny’s hands flew up to knot his hair, yanking if only to quiet the shallow breaths and dull the spots that were beginning to dance over his eyes.

He stumbled on. He needed help. He needed Sam and Tucker. God, he couldn’t do this on his own. He’d never been without a home before—he didn’t know what to do! He couldn’t, couldn’t, couldn’t do this.

No! 

His whole body stiffened, and cold dread splashed down his spine as he realized one of his hands had unwoven itself from his hair to free his phone from his pocket.

No, no, no. He couldn’t. He had turned it off almost as soon as he’d left the border of Amity Park. Well, actually, he tried to smash it against the pavement but failed. He wasn’t strong enough to completely cut himself off from his loved ones. Not physically, but…the other thing.

Mentally.

He was weak.

Too weak. 

His hand trembled as it slid the phone back in his pocket and clutched a cold, metal bar before him. If he turned his cell on, then he could risk everything. He didn’t know if the GIW had the clearance to track his cell, but he wasn’t about to chance it.

He exhaled. He was okay. He took his fears, anxieties, and every twisted creature taunting him from the corners of his mind and shoved them back into their infinitely deep cage.

He couldn’t afford to break down. Not right now.

Unfortunately, in his distraction, he hadn’t noticed the footsteps closing the distance to him till it was too late.

“What are you doing? Get off my fucking gate,” a voice snapped.

Ice froze his sneakers to the ground, and he was slow, too slow to react.

Gate? He looked down, then up, then around. He’d somehow moved to stand in front of a different apartment, this one not abandoned. Sure, the front steps had caved on the sides, and a broken chair sat out front, but the house itself probably had a resident. And this resident, he guessed, was right behind him.

But…he was still on the sidewalk. Okay, maybe his arms were over a front entrance gate, and maybe in his panic it looked like he was trying to look into the house, but he wasn’t trespassing anywhere.

Were they even talking to him?

“Yeah, you, kid! I know you hear me!” The voice was closer now. “The fuck, are you deaf?”

Now, Danny turned as if he was fighting against a pool of syrup. Sure enough, the disembodied voice belonged to someone, though Danny wasn’t sure who because there were multiple guys in front of him. They were all at least several years his senior, and the shortest of the trio probably had at least five inches on him.

Oh. Fuck. 

Danny made eye contact with the man in the middle wearing a baggy, unzipped orange and black jacket over an equally baggy hoodie with the hood up over his buzzed hair. He stared down Danny as if he were Satan himself sent here to personally deliver his reckoning, and wouldn’t that just be the ultimate irony of the century?

“Hi,” Danny said meekly.

“What’s good?” the guy in the orange jacket said, eyeing Danny up and down. “The fuck are you doing in front of my place?”

Danny’s eyes darted between the apartment and the clearly hostile dude before him. “I—I wasn’t—” whatever modicum of confidence he’d ever possessed today was clearly so gone that Danny wasn’t sure it had ever existed.

“You casing my fucking house, bro?” the man asked, stepping forward.

Danny wasn’t typically one to feel physically threatened by a human. Hell no, not when he’d faced ghosts ten times more dangerous every week. But for some reason, as he surveyed the three guys who all very much looked a second away from swinging at him, he felt like a little kid standing before Dash and his cronies without any ghost powers to call on.

He couldn’t afford to risk using ghost powers in front of these guys, and the bigger man to the right—the one in the pale blue beanie—was looking at Danny like he was trying to figure out where he’d seen his face before. Maybe that was why he felt so spooked. Or perhaps it was the way Danny knew that these guys weren’t Dash, they were strangers to Danny, they were three guys who’d clearly grown up on the streets of Chicago. 

And as much as he understood the hierarchy of ghosts, he sure as shit didn’t understand the human social hierarchy. 

He was scared, he realized. He was fucking terrified. He’d been terrified all day and now facing his first night on the streets alone, he was scared even more.

He stepped back and raised his hands, but the trio only advanced further on him.

“Casing my motherfucking house,” the guy repeated, though not to Danny.

Danny had no idea what the guy was talking about. Casing? What?

“What block you from, kid?” the big guy on the right asked. “I swear I seen you before.”

“You haven’t,” Danny said weakly, his voice cracking. “I’ve never met you.”

The skinny guy to the left sneered. “You gonna meet us now, bro.” 

Danny’s back hit the gate, and his heart stuttered. “I wasn’t doing anything, I swear. I was just trying—trying to—”

His breath stopped. Trying to...what, exactly? Find shelter? Keep his sanity together? Not get discovered and kidnapped by the government? 

All three?

“Shut the fuck up,” the leader said. “You know how many times I’ve heard that talk? Bullshit, man. You gonna get it in. Casing my fucking house? You gonna get it in.” 

“Slap his stupidass, bro. Kid’s all doped out anyway. Look at him! Can’t do shit,” the skinny guy said. 

“Where your homies at?” the bigger guy asked.

Danny could barely understand what was happening anymore, and he couldn’t stop the anxiety from rising in his throat like bile, spitting out in a flurry of, “I don’t have any! I’m alone. I just want to leave.”

Then, time slowed desperately and painfully. Danny saw the hand coming, in theory, but denial was too powerful of a drug, and no, this wasn’t happening right now. Except it was.

The fist connected with his cheek in a sickening crack. Pain erupted in his bones, and Danny’s head jerked to the side, his body falling onto the gate. He bobbed, clutching the metal bars for stability as he blinked stars out of his vision.

Oh, Ancients, he was doomed. He was going to get jumped by these guys, and there was nothing he could do in self-defense because the only things he knew involved using his powers.

The man closed the distance, landing his next fist in Danny’s stomach. He doubled over, fighting for air that seemed to have little intention of returning to him.

“Fucking kid,” the guy towering over him taunted. “You don’t fucking go in my fucking house.”

“I wasn’t trying to,” Danny whispered.

He didn’t know if the man heard him, but Danny didn’t think it would matter. His friends were whooping behind him, and the rush exuding from his skin told a tale of how little he intended to halt his quest to ruin Danny’s body tonight.

Danny tried to dart to the side, but without his intangibility, the man’s fist caught his jaw, snapping his neck back and sending a cry of pain into the sky. Not that anyone was listening, of course. The spikes from the gate jabbed painfully into his back, and all Danny could think about was how he was cornered, alone, defenseless.

The man took a step back, but Danny knew that meant fuck all. He was just giving himself space to wind up and sock Danny again, or maybe knee him this time, all while his two friends laughed and jeered, and Danny was fucked, he was so fucked. 

Panic rushed through him, and he turned to the three men with eyes glazed in what he could be sure pure, unfiltered fear.

He wanted to turn intangible so badly and run, but he couldn’t. If anyone saw, if anyone noticed—

There was no incoming blow.

Danny ripped through the veil of dread clouding his mind, and that’s when he saw it. The big guy pointing to him, and the other two frozen beside him.

“What the fuck is wrong with his eyes, bro?” the skinny guy asked. “Ah shit, don’t tell me he’s possessed.”

“That’s the kid!” the big guy shouted, ignoring his friend. “The Phantom kid! That’s him!”

The skinnier guy rounded on his friend with a, “Who the fuck?”

“No fucking way,” the leader stepped back, falling in line with his friends.

“I ain’t playing, bro, that’s him.”

Danny blinked, and the simmering green disappeared from the edges of his vision.

Three.

Two.

One.

FUCK!

He didn’t wait for them to debate his existence in front of them. Three seconds and his decision was set. Invisibility cloaked him, then intangibility, and then he was past the men, running down the street like his fucking life depended on it, which wasn’t far from the truth.

His sneakers pounded on the pavement, his heart pumping in his ears as a slew of curses overtook his brain.

That was it. He was finished. He was done.

He turned a corner and darted down the sidewalk, not caring who heard him or whatever the fuck else people could be thinking at the sounds of someone sprinting with no body to match. Those guys had figured him out—they’d figured him out! 

He was so fucking stupid for thinking he could blend in with anyone. He was a halfa. A freak. He couldn’t do this he couldn’t be here he COULDN’T.

His cell phone rattled in his pocket, and he sidestepped down an alley, accidentally knocking a trash bin over as he made for the back. There was a dumpster there, of course, and he jammed himself into the brick wall beside it, making sure he wasn’t visible to the street before dropping his invisibility and swiping his phone from his pocket.

It was slow—too slow—to turn on. Please, turn on turn on turn on! 

He could feel the fringes of reality slipping from his mental hold like threads on a frayed blanket, and he didn’t stop them from leaving. It didn’t matter anymore. Any second, white vans would be surrounding this whole neighborhood and one sweep of an ecto-scanner later and Danny would be fucked. 

The phone finally finished loading, and Danny’s shaking fingers only failed at entering his password once before he was past the locked screen and jabbing open his messages.

He had several missed calls, but he couldn’t bother himself with those right now, swiping the notifications away. Not when there was so little time and he was breaking, quickly, so quickly.

The phone hardly rang before a worried voice crackled to life on the other line. “Danny?” Then, the voice turned into alarm. “Danny!”

“Tucker,” Danny gagged. Not on bile, but on tears.

Was he crying?

The other number picked up as well with a barely restrained, “Danny!”

“Sam,” he croaked, clutching his phone like the fucking lifeline that it was.

“Wait, Danny.” Tucker’s tone was suddenly serious. “Listen, you shouldn’t—”

 Sam’s voice overtook Tucker’s. “What happened? Are you okay? Please, where are you?”

“No!” Tucker said. “Don’t tell us. Listen, Danny—”

Danny closed his eyes, letting Tucker’s voice turn into a calming drone because so tired of fighting himself and running and it had only been a day, he couldn’t do this, guys, he couldn’t do this alone. 

“—and don’t be an asshole, Tuck,” Sam was saying when Danny had the know-how to tune back in. 

He didn’t know how long he’d been spacing out. Hopefully, only a few seconds.

“Danny, please, are you safe?” Sam pleaded.

“I—” His voice cracked. “I don’t know.”

“What happened?” Sam asked, her voice rushed. “All we know is that they ambushed you at the school, and then you escaped. We’ve both been getting nonstop questioned by investigators and the police since, but we keep telling them we don’t know where you are. Please tell us you’re somewhere safe, Danny. Please.” 

He couldn’t.

Oh, god. How do you tell someone goodbye?

The words slipped out of him. “I was seen.”

There was a pause. Then, Tucker. “By who?”

“Some guys. They jumped me. Didn’t know who I was, and then my eyes…” Danny pinched the bridge of his nose. God, he was so fucking tired. 

“You were jumped?!” Sam cried out.

“Okay, wait, listen. If they jumped you, then it might not be so bad. They probably won’t report you.”

“Yeah, violent people don’t tend to like talking to the cops,” Sam said. “You should still be okay.”

Danny’s incoming sob turned into a laugh, because of course! How could he have been so stupid? No Chicago resident trusted law enforcement.

His life wasn’t doomed. He was going to be okay, at least for today. Tomorrow was a different story, but they wouldn’t tattle, he was going to be fine. 

“You should still leave wherever you are, just in case,” Tucker said. “You can’t tell us where you’re going, though. I mean it, Danny. We’re getting questioned too much. The less we know, the better.”

“I know,” Danny muttered, wiping his cheeks.

“You need to hang up and turn off your phone. We have no idea if they’re tracking your number. We could be sending off a beacon to them right now for all we know.”

“Yeah, okay,” Danny said, though he was still reveling in his bliss to feel any urgency from Tucker’s voice. “I’ll leave here when I’m done calling you.”

“Please do,” Tucker said.

“Danny, please be safe,” Sam interjected. “You know we love you. All of us, your parents included.” 

His stomach jolted, and suddenly he felt like crying all over again. 

They said that? Really? His parents?

Was that all they said? 

He had so many questions swirling in his head, but there was no time to ask. Tucker was giving his sign-off, and despite the sudden lightness lifting his spirit from the depths of hell, he still felt the sudden urgency to say something. 

“Wait!” He cut their goodbyes off. “I—I—you guys. I need you to know…” He swallowed, his vision blurring once more. “Thanks for always being there. You know, as my friends. Seriously, I don’t think I could have survived this long without you.”

There was a second of pause. Then two.

“Jeez, Danny, you don’t have to be so morbid—”

Sam cut Tucker off. “You’ll always be my friend, Danny. Seriously, always. I’m here for you.”

“Ditto,” Tucker added quietly.

Danny pressed the end call button, not trusting himself to break down sobbing with his friends on the other line. Thankfully, his tears waited until his phone was off and back in his pocket before they began to fall. Wretched and uncontrollably, tears spilled on his cheeks, down his chin, and onto the rancid alleyway pavement below as sobs ripped his throat raw.

It wasn’t a goodbye forever, Danny tried to remind himself. They’d talk again. Soon. They’d talk again, and they’d tell him about Jazz, his parents, his parents.

Soon, this would be all over, and Danny would be back in Amity Park in his warm home playing video games and laughing with his best friends.

But if that wasn’t their final goodbye, why did it feel like one?

****

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[jackalopesao3]

🪼 Michael 🪼

Remember my theory on Michael/Celestial Realm being the antagonist(s)?

About Michael’s goal being to find a way to get the brothers back to the CR?

Here are the links to my previous theories:

Well I’ll be damned! Lesson 17 dropped a bombshell that puts some credence to these theories. Spoilers/screens below the cut!

Michael, you…you fucking jellyfish!

I highly suspect Michael is behind MC’s trip to the past. I’ve theorized before that even if he is not NB, he could have called upon Solomon to use his pact with Barbatos or Michael could have even done it himself since he does have some time travel capabilities.

The only reason I think maybe he made Solomon do something is because he did give him the Ring of Wisdom. He likely can utilize whatever agreement he has with Sol to make Sol do something like that. In religious texts, when Solomon pissed Abrahamic God off, Michael allowed Solomon to lose his ring and let Asmodeus yeet him to the ocean. Solomon likely wouldn’t deny a request from Michael after that happened given his dislike of the ocean.

There’s also a possibility that Michael is simply aware of the timeline getting skewed and is taking advantage or that he was planning this in the OG timeline so now he has a better opportunity.

So Yandere!Michael? “If I can’t have the brothers back, no one can have them!” Because that is yandere behavior right there. Though let’s be real, he probably just wants Lucifer back. We all know about his creepy Lucifer shrine.

Let me bring up some facts that lead me to believe Michael could be NB:

1. Nightbringer is preceded by the sound of trumpets. Trumpets are associated with angels, not demons.

2. Nightbringer accepted the human’s offer to pray to him in return for helping them. Demons do pacts. Humans are more likely to pray to angels. Humans have prayed to Michael for protection.

3. Michael goes by a few different names in some transcripts. Metatron is one which is similar to the Lucifer/Satan debate where the names are sometimes interchangeable or they’re two separate beings.

4. Michael has an elusive way of talking which NB also has.

5. Michael sent MC back to the future when Solomon’s cooking had sent them to pre Celestial War days.

6. Michael has motive. He wants to change the past to get the brothers back.

7. MC yells at NB to show themselves. MC doesn’t recognize their voice. MC has only spoken with Michael a few times so they prob wouldn’t recognize his voice. (NB could disguise their voice so take this one as you see fit.)

8. If this truly is the past, why is Michael suddenly doing things differently? What changed the timeline that could make him act this way…probably nothing unless he is fully aware of the timeline change or caused it himself.

There are other reasons too and I do have a table made up with characters and tallies for possible NB identities and Michael was one of the top contenders. If I can find a way to screen it and upload it via mobile I will post it soon.

I may also add to this post later because wow. That bombshell. I had a feeling but at the same time I’m still shook Solmare went with it.

[accio-victuuri]

WAYS ON HOW I STAY SANE AS A BXG 🤍

inspired by a convo i had with @rainbowsky and i thought to make a post. it’s been a while since i made a write-up like this and i think it’s timely to make one cause even now — i’m seeing new turtles. or those who are experiencing fandom burnout. no matter what group you belong to i hope this helps a bit. as someone who have been here for quiet some time, i’ll just share things i do to make my fandom life as peaceful as possible.

we really get the best of both worlds as bxgs who love two amazing guys : xz & wyb. but sometimes that also means twice the stress and everything else. whether from content they put out or the cpn side of things. i’m not saying to live in a bubble where nothing bad ever happens, however, fandom should primarily bring happiness and relief. it is not one that makes you dread everyday if things don’t go “your way”. so here’s how i manage to do that.

▸ ┈┈┈┈ • ┈┈┈┈ ◂

1. The Truth is they Don’t Owe me Anything

They don’t owe us candy/ cpn. They don’t need to make us secure of their relationship. If you are a BXG that believes in szd, then you must accept that it’s their relationship and not ours. It is between them. Whatever clues we manage to dig up and see is because we are so attuned to them. Tho sometimes I do believe they turn gremlin and leave us stuff to see— but again, we should not feel like we are entitled to be given any of that regularly. At one point, it will be the best for them to live their life and enjoy their relationship quietly. I know candy can be addicting and is one of the pillars of the fandom but it’s not everything. It should not be a make or break for you as a fan, if it is, then you may want reconsider why you’re here.

There will be times of no sweets. People must accept that it’s not 2019 anymore. They are not promoting a project together and so we will not see them like we did. Don’t compare the amount and quality of CPNs from before and now.

Just enjoy what we manage to spot and see. 🤍 Also knowing their status as celebrities, the focus of the public must be their work and not their personal life. I think they both understand the risks of them interacting and being seen together & it’s better to be safe.

2. Appreciate their career

Sometimes I feel like i’m a full on career fan lol. Considering how I first started this blog as a CPN only space then evolved into an update account and so on. The thing is I really appreciate their work and whatever content they bring us. I am a fan of them as individuals and i’m happy that I was able to make that switch. I don’t think I would last this long if all i’m here for is their relationship and interactions. I don’t blame those who left, especially back in 2021, when they found a much better CP to support. It’s their decision. But that’s the point, they were here for the “relationship” and not XZ & WYB. that’s why they left.

This is the best way to not get distracted by unnecessary things. There is so much content to get through when it comes to the boys and that should keep you distracted — you’ll have no time for negative news.

3. Stay on your own lane

I am talking about fandoms in particular. Don’t talk about other fandoms unless absolutely necessary. Don’t look for trouble by mentioning other CP fandoms. Stay in the BXG fandom as much as you can. TBH, I am SZD so I don’t see them as a CP like what other fandoms do. That’s why I don’t get really nervous when other CP fandoms have their own candies. But if they do, it’s theirs. We are not the only clowns in the world. Other people can speculate and theorize on their own pairings. Remember that before XZ & WYB, they have other CP pairings too. We are not the first. We are the most popular, strong in numbers and resilient — but we are not the only one. There will be more. Especially with the more dramas and movies they will be making in the foreseeable future. You will never be happy if you keep comparing this fandom to others.

I have personally toned down my bias towards showing off their Double Standards. And what the hell are you even doing going to other CP pairings territory? LOL. Please stop. Again. Stay on your own lane. Don’t go looking for “evidence” in other people’s home.

4. Don’t go to toxic places

Expanding on #3. Do not go to obvious toxic spaces and give yourself a headache reading their bullshit. Don’t waste your time trying to argue with antis ( twitter especially ) who are only there to goad you in the first place. I admit that sometimes I do cross over to those places especially if there is something on the hot search but I don’t do it regularly. Knowing your enemy as a strategy does not necessarily apply here. Do your best instead into making a positive environment for those who like XZ & WYB. 🤍

5. Take a break and live your life

The boys always say this and it is true. Take a break. If you catch yourself going down an unhealthy rabbit hole of fandom then please stop. Go out. Talk to your loved ones. Do some chores. Sleep. Rest. Do other things. Watch Buddy Daddies LOL.

At one point in the fandom it was truly unhealthy for me. I couldn’t sleep because of crippling FOMO. I had to accept that there will always be things I will miss. I can always catch up. There is no pressure for me to always be the first one to update and post. No one cares. I can do fandom in my own pace. It can be really overwhelming sometimes and it’s okay to take a breather. 🤍

6. Don’t crack your head open

This applies to CPN and other fan or anti theories. Don’t think too much about it. It’s not rocket science. CPN is mainly for fun and there is a little amount that goes into serious territory. There is no need to believe everything. Take what makes sense to you and stick to that.

7. Participate in the Fandom

I think one of the ways to have a good fandom experience is to be present. to participate. It doesn’t have to be anything big because I understand that not everyone has the time to do so. Personally, it took me some time to show myself because there is joy in being a lurker. Put something out there that you would want to see but you think isn’t available. Or even if there is already one out there, put your own spin to it. Don’t be overcome by the crippling fear that no one would bother reading it so you just won’t post. Someone will see it. You will. You will accomplish something and contribute to the fandom.

I’m keeping this list short and simple as a guide for those who want to live a ( mostly ) peaceful fandom life. or maybe one of these may be a reminder for you to take it easy.

The road ahead is long, so take care of yourself. 💛

[magmythedevil]

Do you have worries about either Envy or Nuzi being rushed and forced in the end to the audience to please certain fans? Would you be saddened if N and Uzi didn't get together in the end, despite all the development and growth the two have gotten over the season so far, especially with their friendship? I've honestly noticed lately that some Envy fans have said Nuzi is being shoved in our faces, but the same could be said for EP 5 "Envy" when they showed the past versions of N and V, and even EP 2 as well..it seems like kinda hypocritical, to me. Heck someone even went out and made an Nuzi hate account over on Twitter and it's laughable and dumb. But anyways, I wanted to ask are you worried about either ship being rushed and not given the amount of development?? I honestly feel bad that I can't like Envy as other fans do..I honestly DO wanna like it and I do kinda ship it, but I only ship and like their past versions, but it's just hard for me to really like N and V as a couple (especially present) In general when the show hasn't really given it the amount of development it deserves and the show also hasn't given me a reason to really root and make them seem believable, at least to me..maybe I'm missing something, idk. 🤷‍♀️🤔 It's sometimes scary and hard to be a Nuzi fan at times though when Envy fans and especially other fans in this fandom (at least when it comes to Tik Tok and Twitter, and even Reddit and Amino too) keep on calling Nuzi problematic and uncomfortable because of so much misinformation being spread and people thinking it's p*oship, EVEN THOUGH IT'S NOT!! PLEASE STOP SAYING THIS, BTW!

But some fans are theorizing and assuming that maybe Liam is just playing around with the audience and saying that N and V might end up being the endgame couple which I cannot say, none of us knows until Liam confirms and says anything! I honestly do think there needs to be proper closure with N and V no matter if they get together or not, especially with V's treatment of N. I honestly think that V's sacrifice will affect the characters, especially N..since he and V were close and had a bond with one another!

And one more thing I wanna add real quick is this, now I don't know if this is 100% true or not and I'm just going by from what I've heard, but apparently I've heard that during a live event screening that happened back for EP 2 of the show, Liam Vickers was talking and discussing about how much he loved and enjoyed N and Uzi's dynamic (they are also his favorite characters) and he doesn't like one over the other and was also apparently asked on what his favorite ship was which he didn't say and said we'd eventually find out...I wouldn't be surprised if he's referring to both N and Uzi, since not only do they have the most developed and strongest bond and friendship out of any of the other characters, but the show has hinted at them being a item so many times, it seems sooo obvious. (I know this trope is cliche of main characters being a thing and I'm not the biggest fan of this myself at times, but N and Uzi are an exception for me! ^-^) now I MIGHT be wrong and things may change and go differently we'll just have to wait and see afterall, but even if N and Uzi don't get together..I'll still ship them because they just have more chemistry to me. 💛💜✨ But in the end, shipping isn't everything to me and I'm just here for the story, world-building + angst and the characters as well, but I'm curious to see what Liam ends up doing with the relationships and dynamics, especially since with this show..since anything can happen, especially with how crazy and insane it can be, especially with all it's twists and turns, haha!

Yep, nuzi may be semi-canon right now but everything is possible. We cant be sure what will happen to them exactly. But if nuzi really ins't end-game i hope liam gives a satisfied conclusion to them and their relantioship at least, no matter If Its happy, Sad or bitter-sweet.

Now about envy, i agre with you, i cant really ship their present selfs because of their development and their fans (they are so weird about nuzi and uzi herself ughhh) .

And if envy is going to be the end game in the full series Liam has to like- FOCUS a lot on them since they have a some things to pack up before coming back to each other. But, he has to put Uzi a litte aside for that....and i think thats something quite controversial to do since shes such a beloved protagonist and her relantioship with N is extremely special for the show (and fans)

But now that V has got some development and doesn't really hate uzi that much, envy may still have a chance of end-game.

But If they arent going to be end-game, Liam surely will give a nice conclusion for their relantioship, most probally a bitter-sweet one. (I also still have some Hope for vizzy-)

Also V's death is OBVIOUSLY going to be a part of N's breakdown Togheter with Uzi Almost losing her control and having to save the whole universe thing, Thats the entire point. No matter If he has focused on Uzi more, and getting feelings for her. V still was someone special for him (even If she treated him poorly) not even in a romantic way, if a friend of my died i would go crazy too.

And i agree with you with the whole rest 👍 lets see what will happen

[doin-just-fine]

Okay so I just read through your entire blog (hope that’s not weird) and it was really helpful, thank you for describing and sharing your experiences. (I am a questioning system for context.) As I scrolled down your blog I found myself wondering if certain feelings or thoughts were just how my autism/neurodivergence present in me and then I got to your post talking about that. And anyway I was wondering if you could maybe expand on how you pulled those two facets of yourself apart and how you knew that one wasn’t the other. Once again thanks for sharing your experiences it’s been really helpful reading them.

Not weird at all!

I assume when you say facets you mean the neurodivergence and the system-ness. Median systems can also refer to there alters as facets instead because it feels more accurate. Anyway heres a bit of an answer for you.

it's tough. Like really tough. Especially if you relate to the no amnesia part of all of this. I have no traditional indicators if systemhood except for trauma at an age before 10 and emotional amnesia. It's really hard to sort out whats what.

Heres what helped:

1: Does your mask have feelings sometimes?: When you mask does it share the same opinions as you all the time or are you only just thinking about if you're masking properly or not.

2: I do not recommend this but if you can do it safely then maybe try it. I went off my ADHD meds for a week: this dropped barriers and people got through a little bit easier.

3: understand who you are and look for differences that don't match that and then try to talk to them: Some might talk back.

4: When you talk to your brain does it talk back: if you said hey that intrusive thought was annoying could you stop please does you brain say sorry? thats different than talking to yourself. Typically talking to yourself is you problem solving, or thinking allowed. If your brain talks back to you outside of those moments maybe do the next thing on the list.

5: Internally operating as if I was a system: Treat the parts of you you suspect to be a head friend like it is a head friend. Treat it like it's a separate person form you. Treat it kindly, with respect, validation, and compassion. If it is a friend in your head understand that whatever their doing is in there eyes for the safety of you or the situation. Even if it's disruptive be kind and patient and let them know that they are valid in why they feel that way and that they are safe with you. If it is another friend they will hopefully appreciate the gesture and maybe feel like they trust you enough to show themself, and if it's not another person nothing bad happens in fact you probably did more good than you were realizing.

6: I theorize that everyone is on a system spectrum: Just like neurodivergence I think plurality is on a spectrum that we're all on and it goes from "just me and my autonomic nervous system working in the background" to "it's me and 50 very distinct friend in my head". I fall in a "my emotions have thoughts and feelings that differ from my own" zone on that spectrum.

7: don't be afraid to make your brain make sense for you: If thats calling it a system then so be it!

8: Try out being a system: Don't make it happen through simulated experience. More like: if you notice you feel different, or you think you have or may switch see what happens when you let yourself notice and embrace those moment. If it feels like you're playing pretend you may not be plural in that way.

If you have anymore questions or need clarifying let me know I was a little stoned writing this. (that can also help people in your head get through easier if you partake)

[seeyouspacecoyote]

Dumbass Record of Ragnarok modern A/U Whoopee: (feel free to ignore, this is just me brain dumping here)

All the fighters are stuck living together due to insane cost of living (probably in Southern California near the Bay Area but I haven't thought that part out in too much detail tbh.)

Two possible directions this can take depending on just how bad the cost of living is in whoop-de-doo fuck-ass universe #293423823423 and something: Either they all live together in one house or they're all split up into 3 different houses. The fighters from Rounds 1-4 live in one house, the fighters from Rounds 5-8 all live in another house, and the fighters from Rounds 9-13 all live in yet another house.

Absolutely none of them have a proper sense of how time works like at all.

Any house where Tesla spends any amount of time at all will randomly get a wall blown out at some random ass time when he's busy tinkering with some mechanical shit and accidentally forgets he's handling potentially explosive devices/materials.

Adam, Kojiro, Heracles, and Simo are probably the only people in the whole bunch who are actually tolerable to live with who actually spend any amount of time there.

Odin just fucking hangs himself from a tree (like he does in Norse Mythology,) and nobody ever sees him again. He's still perfectly alive, he just can't handle the bullshit of living with everyone else anymore.

Thor does almost nothing but garden, he plants tons of vegetables at a local community garden where he meets a nice woman who he befriends.

Leonidas will bitch about any inaccuracies on any History Channel show involving military history to anyone who will listen (and also those who don't care.) And don't get him started on Ancient Aliens.

Raiden will interrupt Leonidas when he's bitching about Ancient Aliens to theorize out loud about how big and fat and jiggly alien titties and ass-cheeks gotta be and goes on an unhinged hour long rant about how great it would be to get to fuck alien bitches with fat titties and fat asses.

Zeus got arrested in like 5 minutes after sexually harassing a door to door salesperson, but not before he purposely clogged all the toilets by pouring unleaded gasoline into them. Nobody's seen him since and nobody complains about it. At all.

Qin, Loki, Okita, Nostradamus, and Anubis are chronic TikTok users and use insufferable zoomer slang like constantly.

As a result, Tesla, Susanoo, Heracles, Thor, and Leonidas can barely communicate with them.

Leonidas still talks like he spent 5 day straight on Xbox Live Chat when he gets pissed off though.

Susanoo sometimes sprays Anubis with a hose like an actual dog. Nobody stops him because they either don't give a fuck or they're too scared of him to say anything.

Anubis climbs on the furniture, licks the walls, and occasionally eats dog treats like Shaggy from Scooby Doo.

Buddha takes Zero to shit like Electric Forest and Burning Man despite Zero likely not being mature enough to do that kind of shit.

Raiden steals Hajun's laptop at one point, finds out that he got "fat bitches fighting over food" on pornhub bookmarked on his computer and laughs at Hajun for it, Hajun responds by throwing a fire hydrant he stole from a random street at him.

Raiden unironically enjoys pro-wrestling.

Lu Bu, Chen Gong, the other random members of the Chinese army, Shiva, and Qin absolutely crush it in DDR.

Rasputin does nothing but post horrible edgy/racist shit on 4chan. Nobody ever sees him. Ever. He most definitely has piss bottles in his room. Heracles and Zero are terrified to even walk near there and honestly nobody blames them.

Jack bakes pies at suspicious times. Anyone who asks him what's in the pies never gets a straight answer. He always smells vaguely like cologne.

Susanoo works some horrible soul-sucking C-suite corporate job 100 hours a week and has a terrible cocaine habit so he can spend less time sleeping and work as much as possible so he can try to find someplace else to live asap. He always has bags under his eyes which he has to resort to hiding with concealer so people don't think he's some kind of deranged serial killer or something.

Susanoo may be able to hide his cocaine addiction surprisingly well, but he fails (entirely on accident,) to hide the fact that he has one of those mildly uninteresting/questionable secret NSFW daddy dom type tumblr accounts that you suspect are run by some middle aged cishet dude who has absolutely no idea what the rest of Tumblr's userbase actually uses the site for from Anubis and Okita.

Anubis and Okita roast him for it, Susanoo responds by pulling up Anubis's Sonic the Hedgehog/furry porn DeviantArt account and basically asking him "This you?" (though he talks too formally to actually say that exact phrase) and proceeds to doxx Anubis on the spot.

Anubis hisses at him and leaps out the nearest window.

Despite his best efforts to avoid reckless spending, Susanoo bought a hunting rifle and occasionally tries to shoot Anubis when he's getting on his nerves. Anubis always manages to dodge it though.

Poseidon, Hajun, and Beelzebub eat everyone's food whenever they feel like it.

Zero is usually the main target. Buddha always buys extra snacks for him though. He also takes fruit off of trees and brings it home with him for the same reason.

[ssreeder]

NOOOOOOOO!!! Reeds! 😭😭😭WHY! Welp, now I have two aliases :/ (I guess I'm Pennywise :D Reeds no, it's a joke, not another alias)

Cool! :D (I'm going to have fun with this lol)

Also, damn 2,809 pages! It's okay, I'm reading a novel with 8 volumes (still waiting for 2 of them to release). If anyone knows what novel I'm talking about, then you know. 🤝 All I'm saying is that keep up the excellent work Reeds! :) Don't feel bad about how much you write, we love reading all of it! :D 💖💖💖 And sometimes beg for more, as in wanting to know what happens next and theorizing.

Speaking of writing. Ahhhhh! 😭 Yeah I see what you mean by fluff/angst. It was amazing! :D Ara, poor poor Ara. Wonder what role she'll play after the inevitable happens? 👀 (maybe...). Jet, he's alive... bearly, but alive! I don't have much to say for him. If he lives, he lives; if he dies, he dies, the story will go on. HEHEHE... having the characters that divide us to either love or hate them are still with us, it is going to be sooooo fun! :D

FUN, FUN, FUN, FUN. Did someone say fun! Oh yes, it was fun reading how the poor couple wanted to spend time together only to be reminded of such horrible things every so often. How misery follows them everywhere. Ohhhh... what was that comment? K**_** what an interesting conclusion. Maybe the toxins did do an effect? There's no need to think you're wrong, it just may be that! The poor boy has suffered so much before; maybe this one could be a blessing in disguise? Ara! My dear girl, how you had your own evils. Were you always like this? Or did someone do this to you? No matter, what is done is done. But how will you accept what happens next? Where will you go? Who will you go to? Maybe accept those who you want to know you now? OR... you could always betray them You could go meet the one who truly careds soon? Will you go insane? What will your journey be? Jet! Have you changed now? Or are you still battling against yourself? After all, you did sell everyone out. What will you want to do when you recover? If you recover. A missing limb is devasting, but will you let that hold you back? Or maybe dead is truly your only path now? How fun it is to see some struggle. Don't worry yet though! The fun has just begun! The sky is not red just yet!

-Pain Anon

-Red Anon

(HOW? How do I write like that sometimes? I'm surprised. Have I always been able to do that??? I'm scared ;-; )

Idk which novel you’re talking about! But it sounds like I should haha… I’m reading the poppy wars series and it’s really good so far.

Aras pov is probably the closest we will ever get to a Zuko POV. Her mind is dark and toxic and full of mental illness that makes someone feel bad for her (& some don’t) but unlike Zuko,,, Ara did HORRIBLE things to someone on purpose and Zuko was just forced to be a victim over and over again.

Zukos bending (or lack of) will continue to be a hurdle for him… I’m not saying he is a permanent nonbender but he won’t be back to full strength anytime soon. (Ha and azulas coming)

Ara & Jet are two wild cards right now because both have a BIG shock coming to them (one lost an arm & the other lost the only person left she trusted)

WE WILL SEE PAIN ANON!

[booksnstuff58]

Book review: Scifi

As I said in my last post, I finished two books fairly close together. This was the second one I read.

The book I'm talking about today is

Loch Ness Leap by Sandy Schofield

So, this one's a little different than the books I normally read and review. I will occasionally read scifi or dystopian, but most of the time I read romance and fantasy. I wanted to read this one because it is based off of one of my absolute favorite shows, Quantum Leap!

If you've never watched Quantum Leap, don't know what it's about, here's the intro:

“Theorizing that one could time travel within his own lifetime, Doctor Sam Beckett stepped into the Quantum Leap accelerator and vanished... He awoke to find himself trapped in the past, facing mirror images that were not his own, and driven by an unknown force to change history for the better. His only guide on this journey is Al, an observer from his own time, who appears in the form of a hologram that only Sam can see and hear. And so Doctor Beckett finds himself leaping from life to life, striving to put right what once went wrong, and hoping each time that his next leap will be the leap home…”

Oh, I love it! The original one. I refuse to watch the remake. I refuse to let them ruin it.

Anyway, I HIGHLY recommend the show, it's beautiful and so much fun, and I've rewatched it like twelve times and it never gets old! The original one. The one with Scott Bakula and Dean Stockwell, not the new mess they're making.

So because of my obsession with that gorgeous show, I found me a book. Really, if I'm remembering correctly, my sister found it at the Goodwill and handed it to me which I then obviously bought. And yes, I'm aware that's bad grammar, it's just fun to use bad grammar sometimes!

Here's the blurb:

Sam Beckett leaps into the body of Dr. Donald Harding, a theoretical physicist, who has come to Loch Ness where his son is trying to prove the existence of the fabled Nessie and where Sam encounters a strangely familiar young woman who holds the key to Sam's own future.

And here's what I think:

Ok, so first of all, I don't really care about the Loch Ness monster, so this would not have been my first choice of Quantum Leap books, but this was the one we found at the Goodwill, so this is the one I had.

It was... okay. I will admit, I was a little disappointed with it. I love Quantum Leap and have actually written a few flash fiction which I am really pleased with. I feel like the characters could have been written a little better. There were times I could hear Sam's voice in my head while I was reading, but I couldn't really hear Al saying anything he said in the book. Which made me sad.

Also, one of my favorite parts of the show is the interaction between Sam and Al, but there was very little of that in this book, which also disappointed me.

I couldn't find any triggers, other than a rocky relationship between a father and son, but I'm not sure that really qualifies. There were maybe a few mild swears, but I don't remember if there actually were any or not.

So, in short, I read it. Wasn't the biggest fan. I would rather watch the show. My recommendation would be to watch the show. Seriously. You should watch it. It's so good. I wouldn't necessarily recommend Loch Ness Leap. If I find more books based off the show, I'll let you know how they are, but based off of my experience with this one, I wouldn't expect much.

I'll be back with more book reviews soon! I think I said in my last post that I'm working on two books again, which is true. I'm not sure how I feel about them just yet, but I'll let you know!

[themarvelhorse]

Empathy for the Devil Commentary: Chapter 10

HAPPY SUNSET SHIMMER DAY! LOOK WHAT I GOT!

Yes there's two, a colour version and a black and white version, you know, for highlighting :)

The Eye of the Ice Storm

The format of this chapter definitely feels different. As such, I’ll be doing some back and forth or collect different elements of the chapter to talk about it all in one section.

Sunset Shimmer, if only briefly, considered starting a new life in another dimension, with no plan whatsoever, in order to avoid her feelings. Again. She could make a break for it. Would it be hard to assume a new name? She didn’t mind the sound of Sundown Smolder. If she could guarantee there were other universes besides Equestria that she was capable of travelling to, as she and Twilight had theorized, she would have been seriously tempted.

Sunset’s might just be coming to our dimension… just a hop, skip, and a jump away to a world where people aren’t as pastel. Although that name wouldn’t work here.

If, of course, that didn’t mean leaving behind her friends and girlfriend. As the lot of them let out from Solstice Shiver’s counselling office, Sunset didn’t feel like facing the group of people keeping her in this dimension

Be much easier to leave them and run away if you distance yourself from them and make them think you don’t like them anymore.

Everything you’ve done is extraordinary and you don’t even know! When I was your age⁠—” With grunting effort, he managed to stop himself before spinning off into a story from the Day and how it was back when he was in it. “You’re categorically gravitational at this school.”

I sure hope he gets the chance to talk about this. It’s nice finding someone who shares the same rare interest as you. Actually… Solstice’s been pretty alone in this hasn’t he? I don’t doubt that there’s some magic information/texts/research out there because things have been coming through for a while now (e.g. Dazzlings, weird rocks). But how much research has he been able to do? How many people has he been able to talk about this with? How alone does he really feel, even now at this age and with this experience?

Whatever category of natural disaster she’d managed to achieve, Sunset had to agree: whether she wanted to or not, she ruled this school.

I also appreciate that Solstice didn’t even use disaster-terminology – he clearly doesn’t think of her that way but it doesn’t stop Sunset from interpreting it as such. Moreover, it’s a comparison to a celestial body – the sun, stars, moon, planets themselves. A compliment especially with Sunset having been raised by Celestia. No one’s more gravitational than that.

Solstice let a sigh fall through his nose, and nodded, his smile pressed into a thin line. “I’m always tired, too.”

;~;

Sometimes, you just know what someone else is feeling. Cause you’ve been there. They give all the same words and looks.

 Solstice collected his hands in front of him. “How you deal with your magic is your decision. I can’t make it for you. I think I can help you help your friends, but that’s up to you. Whenever you’re ready.” “... I’ll think about it,” Sunset promised, because Celestia be damned, a part of her nearly wanted to say yes⁠—if only to help him deal with what Equestrian magic had put him through. And, have someone to come to for guidance who knew how bad it was. But her eyes fell away. “But, honestly? … I don’t think I will be.”

COME ON YOU’RE BOTH OVERLOADED AND OVERBURDENED JUST HELP EACH OTHER OUT IT’LL WORK OUT SO WELL! AND ALSO WHAT ARE YOU DOING BLAMING YOURSELF FOR THAT YOU WEREN’T EVEN AROUND!!

Much like the portal she ran through all those years ago, Sunset Shimmer walked out the door and couldn’t look back.

And yet, she went back anyway.

Following the careful tck-bm of the door closing shut, she massaged her temples with her palms. Out in the hall, her friends gathered in a speculative circle, which she had to push straight through.

‘Speculative circle’ – circle imagery! All eyes on her! Eye of the ice circle storm!

That’s when she heard Rainbow Dash use Flash Sentry’s voice against her: “Um. What? What do you mean you don’t want to go to counselling? I’d kinda like to be back in my body thanks??? You said you’d fix this!”

Oh bruh imagine the guilt of this – with Flash being the ex who broke up with her and the good lad who’s never done anything wrong in his life?

Flash set his jaw to the side, rubbing one of his well-defined biceps. “Well... don’t we owe it to everyone to try?”

There it is! Poor guilt-ridden lad wanting to make everything right and support everyone as best he can.

“It can help with more than you think.” Fluttershy laid a pink hand on Sunset’s arm, then, terrifyingly, managed to make the shallow blue waters of Pinkie Pie’s eyes appear chilling as northern ocean depths, like she could see right through her. “Sunset, you’re not afraid of counselling, are you?”

Describing it as northern ocean depths – cold and chilling because it’s chilling to Sunset, but Fluttershy is one of the warmest people around. Can really mess a person up when that’s how you see them, but the fact that its Pinkie isn’t helping. 

It’s a little funny that it’s Fluttershy in Pinkie’s body saying this. Fluttershy is too shy to say too much a lot of the time. There’s oceanic levels of depth to her she doesn’t let other people see. But it’s something she’s very familiar with. And the language used here is something I wouldn’t say would be a good description for Pinkie herself – not that she’s shallow but rather she just isn’t afraid to speak (or share) her mind. Not an ocean depth but more like the Amazon jungle of a lot going on.

What new meaning is created when someone is (literally in this case) in your life? When your perspective of someone else must change, given different context (here the context is that its coming from a different body). What new meaning am I creating by reading the story in this way?

“Uh, yeah we have,” Applejack told her, using a tone of voice so sassy it was almost hard to believe Fluttershy’s voice could vocalise it. “That’s kind of what friendship is?”

XD thanks AJ. That speech was good but felt very contradictory. Talking about feelings with friends? That’s not what friendship is about! IT’S ABOUT KICKIN’ ASS. WHAT THE FUCK IS A WEAKEST LINK IN A CHAIN? WHAT DO YOU MEAN IF ONE OF US ISN’T DOING WELL AND HAS EMOTIONAL NEEDS THAT SHOULD BE ADDRESSED IT’LL AFFECT THE ENTIRE TEAM’S PERFORMANCE?! Also Sunset like, fr you got Trixie to help you with a friendship problem where your friends forgot you.

“MmmI don’t know...” Pinkie Pie twiddled her manicured fingers and their purple nail polish. She noticed eyes on her and a smile burst back to life. “Not that we’re not super-duper amaze-tacular at friendship, but we’ve tried doing it our way already. Lots of times! Can’t say we didn’t give it the old CHS try! But, maybe that doesn’t work for everything? Maybe there’s some things you can’t fix on your own and maybe that’s okay, too. Maybe this is one of those maybe things.”

And there’s Pinkie’s chaotic jungle vibe. What’s out there? Sure there’s stuff we know, stuff we know we don’t know, but what about all that other stuff we don’t know we don’t know? Pull back the brush a bit and explore a lil deeper to find if its something you can’t fix on your own!

Fuck... I’m every bit as selfish as I used to be and you’re all too good to see it. And then a sick certainty settled inside her. I’m going to lose you. And I’ll deserve it.

I’m reminded of that lil webcomic I saw on tumblr once, it went something like this but with an added panel of “Oh my god I tricked you into liking me and thinking I’m a good pers-” “No”

Then, what would normally be Timber’s voice rose from the quiet. “Okay.” She heard footsteps coming towards her as well as Rainbow Dash asking, “It is???” Twilight placed a hand on Sunset’s tensed up shoulder, and she grimaced at how Sunset flinched. Standing between Sunset and their friends, Twilight said, “Okay. If you’re not comfortable going to counselling—” And there was enough eye contact that Twilight didn’t have to ask. “—maybe we can try an alternative. I think outside help is still a good idea.”

Sunset seems to still be having a lot of trouble accepting Timber as her ‘new best friend’. Hearing this gentleness from Timber but in Twilight’s voice, the flinch… she’s not so good with it. Or it’s the reaction from being on the pause – wondering if that was okay.

If ever there was a penthouse that embodied bubblegum pop music, Sunset supposed she’d found it. In addition to being a legitimately upscale place that made Sunset’s wallet ache just thinking about it⁠—enjoying a vista view of the snow-glittering city over a now frozen infinity pool on the balcony from the comfort of a loveseat by the fire⁠—Hearts and Hooves Day was alive and well in each tasteful, love-themed decoration.

Omg, is this who I think it is. Legit never expected Cadance to be the choice, but thinking about it, it only makes sense. I was expecting Celestia, but Sunset made it pretty clear she wasn’t okay with that earlier.

Also

SHE’S GOT A POOL DECK WITH AN INFINITY POOL?!

What she liked even less was that it gave the others time to properly change and now Twilight had dressed Timber Spruce’s body up in what Sunset could only guess would have been Twilight’s dream for the doofus back when those two were dating: in other words, like that science-fictional time-traveler with a PhD that Twilight often geeked out to Sunset about.

Oh my gods, she’s cosplaying. What a fuckin nerd. Adorable.

At least Flash had the decency not to piss Sunset off without meaning to (and she knew she couldn’t necessarily blame Timber and Twilight and that’s what made her even grumpier about it), but even he seemed pretty intent on flexing his muscles. In his case, quite literally. If there wasn’t a snowstorm outside, Sunset couldn’t be certain that Flash wouldn’t have shown up in a muscle tee. Instead, he settled on a varsity sweater tight to his biceps with CHS in big letters, likely for some sort of sport (though Sunset didn’t know what for and doubted Flash did either).

Sunset here claiming she can’t blame Timber and Twilight and its making her grumpy… makes even more sense that she can continue to target Solstice as someone to blame since he’s someone she decided not to like in the first place. And maybe also because she doesn’t realize she’s relating to him, and is therefore also attempting to place the blame on ‘someone like herself’.

And maybe AJ’s muscles are just that huge and Flash doesn’t have anything else that fits!

Enjoy it while it lasts, I guess? Sunset couldn't tell if that would make things worse or better when he got back to his own body. Out of anyone, though, she thought Flash had earned a little body positivity. As a treat

Fuck yeah he sure does! But you yourself got to experience that briefly too, and it only made you envious, Sunset. Will it mess with his confidence when he loses it? When he realizes how far off it is to achieve that?

A ding and a walk down a lavish hall later, they arrived at a door emboldened by the golden numbers 2013. Twilight knocked on the door and stepped back to play with her hands. In normal circumstances, Sunset would have grabbed one of those hands to interrupt her brainy girlfriend’s thoughts before they could race too far ahead of herself, rub little circles in the back of her hand to bring her back down to earth or squeeze to let Twilight know she was right there with her. They managed to say a lot with a touch.

Ah 2013… a truly magical number indeed. Happy 10th anniversary EqG! I’m only some months late depending on when I post this.

Ah yes, you say a lot depending on what your love language is. Which I’m guessing Sunset’s is physical touch. Hopefully Twilight feels the same way, I might need to go back and check, but she seems to be a words of affirmation kind of gal, always anxious and needing reassurance. Not that there’s only one love language for everyone (or that there’s merit behind it, idk it makes sense but then again so did the Myers-Briggs personality types and I heard those are bunk so I’ll take this with a grain of salt.)

Sunset and Cadance grinned at each other, not unlike how they had across the table over Harvest Moon dinner. Then she did the same to Timber and it irked Sunset to no end.

Sunseeeeeeeeeeeet! Just can’t help it, can you?

I gave her the number of a good counsellor, at least,” he said, rubbing his neck. Sunset would have normally assumed that was a joke, but he’d been texting his sister every hour on the hour. Fantastic. Another name on the list of people her magic had sent to psychotherapy. “Warpath Gloriosa is a scary beast. You’re a braver woman than I.”

I’m assuming it really was a joke. If it WAS a real number, would it have been Solstice’s, since magic therapy and all? And he’s out here saying counselling is good for everyone EXCEPT himself? In which case… yeah I get it: “All my friends should go to therapy but not me because you know there’s nothing really wrong with me haha why are you giving me that look?”

Because she had to. He was her new best friend, after all.

Definitely what best friends do! Get very mad and be polite so as to not communicate you’re mad. Totally! But maybe talk to Rarity about how to be mad and polite and communicate effectively?

Cadance led the way inside her apartment, which was how Sunset found herself overlooking the heavy blanket of snow tucking the entire city in. From all the way up here, it was easier to tell that beyond the city’s limits, the weather wasn’t nearly this… dramatic.

I like the words “tucking in” being connected with a blanket of snow, it makes sense for this time of day, but also makes it feel nice. Snow can suck but when there’s a proper amount of it, it makes for a good cozy, hygge, feeling. I also like the use of the word ‘dramatic’, it makes it feel like there’s a connection to Solstice with his background in the performing arts.

Then again, Sunset thought she should maybe leave that job to Cadance. A photo rested on the mantle in an elegant heart-shaped-frame: Shining Armour, still young enough to be wearing his Crystal Prep uniform hugging Cadance in a death-grip as she wore what Sunset now recognized as a Nightfall Reach uniform, military caps raining around them like so many tossed graduation caps.

The broad sword engraved with hearts hung over it looked like it could also do some damage, too, if need be. Timber whistled at it before taking a seat.

Okay… this caught me totally off guard. Like, it’s both surprising and not. Royal families often take on military service, but Cadance? Princess (In Equestria) of Love??? I know I’ve expressed that soldiers are some of the most human people you’ll ever meet, and Pony!Cadance’s been pretty badass on a number of occasions, but I guess I never pictured her in a uniform and going through all that comes with it. It does also add another reason for Nightfall Reach to be Sunset’s most likely path. And also like that nod to Pony!Cadance handling Sombra.

“It’s really nice,” Sunset told Cadance. She didn’t want to not say anything, but Twilight had also told her before that Cadance was a reason she knew she also liked girls. Sunset had been the major revelation, but in hindsight, some things made a lot more sense. Even if Twilight was past all that junior high pining (that she’d only recently recognized as pining), having her first crush engaged to be engaged to her brother had to be rough.

OOoooof. Maybe it is, but maybe it’s not! Maybe Sunset is just assuming as much because she’d be jealous.

Twilight wrung her hands over and over, as if they were tripping over themselves as a laugh spilled out. “Well, I’m sure he would’ve warned me if he had time to see me in person. Or let me know he’d been in town. This is face-to-face news!” She smiled just tight enough that it must have hurt. “Regardless, I’m really happy for you two. Really!” “That’s good,” Cadance told her. “I’m glad to have your approval. I promise you, when there’s an engagement ring involved, I’m not letting you find out when we send out the wedding invitations. I don't want us to become a Weddings and Funerals kind of family."…

With this part in mind, I’d like to think that it’s not really her being hurt by the revelation, but the notion that she hadn’t yet been told by her brother, and she’s realizing now what the Weddings and Funerals type of family looks and feels like, and that it’s the way her family was headed. Both Sunset and Timber were unfamiliar with it, both the ones Twilight’s dated. They couldn’t have told her, and here Sunset could very much have misinterpreted Twilight’s feelings.

She still didn’t trust Flash’s little brother Scout after the first time the little skunk filled her boots with shaving cream for being mean to Flash⁠—which she probably deserved, but still. Little twerp.

Don’t you just love when siblings look out for siblings, regardless of how annoying they might or might not be? I do. Fuck yeah, go Scout!

She liked to think she may have even charmed them⁠—once upon a time she’d been excessively good at diplomacy with foreign dignitaries (even well after she was just the cute little filly with the big teal doe eyes poking her chin over the table in war rooms), but that usually required putting on a bit of an act. Just being herself and winning people over? Connecting with them genuinely and that being enough? She was only really comfortable calling it nice, but Celestia damn it if it didn’t feel really, really nice.

Family longing everywhere. It seems like one of the few times Sunset didn’t have to have any sort of barrier around her (as indicated in the various title cards). Really, if you can’t be honest with someone, how can you have an honest experience with them? Feel truly accepted to be part of the herd family?

I’m also totally picturing filly Sunset doing just that, but it also is a little jarring knowing that they were war rooms that Sunset was being exposed to/taught that at such a young age (makes sense for preparing her for war but the girl deserves a proper childhood! And another hint at going to NR!). I know it might have also been Celestia taking Sunset to work like some parents gotta, or even Sunset’s curiosity compelling her to sneak in to get a peek at something exciting.

Cadance bowed her chin, the way adults did to look kids in the eye. “And how do you four feel about the fact that your ex is dating one of your friends? Is that hard?” Out of all of them, Flash smiled, chuckling through his words. “I don’t know, I like seeing Twilight and Sunset happy. They’re so good together. Sunset’s worked super hard to be a better person from who she used to be and Twilight never used to have any of the friendships or romantic stuff she has now⁠—it’s hard not to root for them.”

SAME.

Flash’s comment here is why I’m skeptical that Twilight might not have been upset at Cadance engaged to be engaged. Even if only it was a crush, it can be nice seeing people you care about truly happy when they’re with someone they love. And here Flash is cheering them on yet again, and so very proud of how far they’ve both come. He was there since the beginning, watching (and helping when the opportunity arose) them both grow. Even though he wasn’t the one to make them happy. At least he got to be happy later though!

“Our pasts are not today.”

Boom. Reference made.Mic drop. That’s all folks!

Twilight stayed quieter than Sunset anticipated.

When Sunset looked over, she found her girlfriend had one arm clutched by the other hard. Fire crackled, logs shifting.

*Lone person coughing in the crowd.*

Timber’s eyebrows pressed together, floating up as if levitating. “... Are we friends?”

Damn. What a question. It does make me wonder a broader question. What makes a friend? Sure, it’s different for everyone. But it’s also not like a romantic relationship where the norm is to declare that you’re now dating (with some exceptions that come with how different people communicate and interpret what qualifies as now ‘dating’ in a relationship). How do you differentiate between a co-worker you get along with and an actual friend? What do you need to know first to say they’re a friend? What makes someone a best friend? Or an acquaintance? And for this situation in particular, what needs to change, be communicated, or overcome to have your ex be considered your friend?

Did those nightmares about Gloriosa ever even go away?”

My man had nightmares about Gloriosa? That’s going to be extra rough knowing how Warpath Gloriosa is. When he disappeared, she did say she was going to murder him if he wasn’t dead. I can imagine that anger might drum up certain traumatic thoughts about demon Gloriosa.

We could’ve figured out long distance for college, if it came to that.

Sidebar for this little nugget that tells us she’s confident that everyone going off to their own distant paths in life won’t be rough their friendships or romantic relationships. Girl, Sunset can’t even handle being away from her for this part of the school year. But then again, the two didn’t exactly get much time to be together before these shenanigans.

“So once you and I finally had that, I protected it.” Having let go of the pillow, she pressed her balled fists to her chest, but that position must have made it harder to breathe. Noticing this, Twilight unfurled her hands, looking at her fingers. “I guess at my own expense.”

Niiiiiiiiiiiice.

It manifesting in reality in that moment I mean. Not the dramatic trauma of both parties harming themselves for the good of another to the point where it causes lasting damage like that. Very not nice.

She rubbed her face. It twisted Sunset’s heart to hear Twilight’s voice choke up, even despite the fact that it was Timber’s voice doing all the emoting. “Gah, I’m sorry. Sorry. Oooh, I’m a mess at being someone’s ex. But that’s what I’m upset about, too. I don’t think being exes is something we can pause.”

You and me both, Sunset.

Being exes is hard enough as it is, but y’know the therapy squad here is doing it better than most. Most people I know at least. Also expanding on this idea that The Rainbooms+ all have this opportunity to see themselves differently, because they can also see each other differently. The way Sunset treats and sees Twilight might be conditioning to the way she treats and sees Timber. This can help soften her attitude towards him.

“... I want to be,” Twilight offered. She hugged the pillow tighter and used the soft part of her palm to dry her eye. “I think we’re still learning how, but I-I-I don’t know. I don’t want to lose you.”

Bevin’s choice of scene to draw here really hits hard. The fact that it’s both of them, but simply in each other’s bodies does help quite a bit. You can see how worried about each other they are, it doesn’t even matter that they’re in each other’s bodies because they’re both feeling terrible about things. And it shows that she really fuckin’ needs a hug right now.

All Timber gave her in response was a listless, “Yeah. I know.”

Sometimes, that’s really all you can say.

“So, you don’t want to lose each other. That’s a place to start,” Cadance told them gently, but Sunset was getting mad that it wasn’t coming from Timber. Out of all the times to drop his indomitable enthusiasm, he had to pick now? A goofy pun, a smarmy line—anything? Nothing to stop Twilight from worrying herself sick?

Whoops, looks like the barrier/armour someone put up as a defence mechanism to avoid feeling vulnerable has all but disintegrated. Wait til yours comes down, Sunset.

“I didn’t say that, either!” Twilight argued, the frustration starting to mount in a hoarse way that Timber’s voice rarely if ever approached.

Twilight, fam. You and Timber both said y’all just sorta stopped talking to each other about stuff and wanted to protect each other. When things stop being said, things start being inferred. There's a lot to say that's only being said right now.

I want you to be proud! And you two make a great couple. I’m so happy for you!

Okay so hey she's saying happy for these two, and I’m assuming she’s happy for Cadance and Shining too, it’s just the other things around it that she has a problem with.

If Sunset did run through a new portal, start a new life with a new name. Would she always have that same effect? Was she just a destructive force bringing magic wherever she touched?

Implying that bringing magic is an act of destruction and no creation follows it >:C. Guess that’s what happens when you’re trained for war, trained to destroy.

Timber nodded, distantly. However far away he was made his purple eyes dim to a grey, like mist over distant mountains.

That is… concerning. Like the mlp season 2 premiere where everyone actually turned grey. But it’s a great way to portray it happening non-magically.  

Even if it hurt, Flash nodded, too, and much more enthusiastically, with more life in him. “Of course. Anything that makes everybody more comfortable, we’ll do. If it’s hard, we can give you space. That makes sense, right?” He looked to Cadance for confirmation, who nodded.

Flash wanting to support everyone in earnest, but it comes back to bite his relationship with his boyfriend. Not that it’s wrong, even Cadance agreed.

Which left Sunset to try to empathize with a brick wall and she was starting to get frustrated.

Sunset’s second greatest challenge. The first being herself. Solstice has his work cut out for him.

Sunset avoided his eyes and tried to scowl, but couldn’t quite get there. “You two made each other so happy. You were a good guy. Twilight lit up around you. She had this, just, seriously beautiful light in her eyes, like until now she couldn’t believe someone could really love her like that but then, here you were doing it!

And there’s another one! We’re getting a lot of “I’m happy for the other couple” statements in this chapter. But here compared to Flash and Twilight pining over Sunset/Twilight(s) and Cadance, its certainly envy – what Sunset thought Twilight must have been feeling since she felt that way about Twilight and Timber. She supported them as a couple because they were happy. And with this being from Sunset's POV, she’s trying to empathize but gets it wrong. Which… isn’t great for the girl who’s whole thing is empathy. A challenge if you’ve never been there before, or even if you have and you pretty much assume that they must be feeling the same thing you did when you were in that position. Twilight at least had time and two romantic partners to get over Cadance. Flash… had it a bit harder since he's proud of how far both Twilight and Sunset have come, but he was never the one to be responsible for that happiness. I’d expect that to tear him up inside a good bit, but I do think he’s genuinely happy for them, and it doesn’t tear him up as much as it does for Sunset.

Couples took to the floor, and that left Sunset on the side with the rest of her friends apart from Rarity, who tapped Applejack on the shoulder for a dance.

Okay, so I know I was doing some Rarijack shipping before… certain hints at the future stories discussing the difference between platonic and romantic relationships made me suspicious of where we’d see that in this story.

And now following with all the aroace stuff that comes across my feed these days, I've come to suspect that they’re totally platonic.

Anand Giridharadas was right, repetition really is effective in changing people’s way of thinking.

I blame you, Bevin, I hope you're proud of yourself.

He raised an eyebrow that drove her insane.

IT’S THE DREAMWORKS EYEBROW

I love that even in these moments she’s irked to no end. I’m not seeing it as those moments of jealousy or jokes at random times that drivers her insane as much as the idea that there’s someone who does feel the way she does, and knows her feelings well, and also knows when to call you out. And that eyebrow is a signal that that’s just about to happen. Someone like her that knows her and can hold her accountable.

Also

I fuckin’ love the way the cold is described here. Such a beautiful and haunting narration that gives life to it. A beast in of itself, of the feelings swirling within. The coldness found in feeling alone, literal and figurative. Timber being eaten alive by the biting frost of this beast, of the loneliness he must be feeling. Almost comforting when you look at it from afar, safe in a warm and loving environment (that is, Cadance’s suite, fireplace, tea, and general bubble-gum pop and love atmosphere), but when you get out there, actually feel what’s being felt on the inside by the other person – its not a comforting blanket tucking in the city at night. You’re separated by a glass, by a front someone’s putting up, by a prickly exterior to armour yourself so you never really know what’s going on inside, or out there in the cold.

Each one of those warm squares belongs to somebody. Even the snow sparkles in the streetlights. It’s really something.”

Timber seeing the warmth other people have. The warmth he feels like he doesn’t have. Seeing the sparkling of snow (which is something indeed beautiful) and he is always seeing the silver linings and the good in other people and things, but not something he gives to himself enough.

Sunset’s here, trying to convince him that he does have that warmth, even though he feels like he doesn’t. Its in the literal and the metaphorical.

“What the hades are you doing out here? You can’t talk to Twilight like that and leave. She has anxiety. Your boyfriend’s worried. Come on. We’ll figure this out, you know that. Friendship finds a way, it’s cold as hell out here…”

Timber probably knows Twilight has anxiety and Flash is worried, but Twi set up a boundary again and so he’s doing as he thinks she wants. The bit about hell is both funny and illuminating. For one thing, she just mentioned hades, and then later she mentions hell. Got that merging of local slang from two worlds. Second, hell’s not seen as cold. Sure, it’s something anyone and everyone would say as part of swearing, but here it plays to the very real feeling of ‘coldness’ that comes with loneliness. That loneliness is an emotional hell.

And he’s out here. Freezing. That in of itself is dangerous, but he walked over the frozen pool to get there and is leaning on this railing. It’s all hazardous. Its all terrifying to an observer, especially since you might be thinking that they might be thinking of the worst thing they could do in that moment. Listening to a lot of Rise Against, I’ve come across one song that resonates and has different me associating it with this scene.

But then, when she walks up to be next to him, to really see what he sees. He can still see the beauty and good things behind all that. She even leans on the railing herself too. She risks it to show he’s there with him. And she can see what he sees, feel his feelings. Empathize. The feelings that a view like that can elicit – something of awe, peaceful, and a sense of defiance against the worst of the storm that makes it worth standing out there in the cold. Views like that “vista view of the snow-glittering city” – could be reminiscent of the time he spent flying with his dad.

I admire the choice of imagery drawn here as well. We just saw Timber and Twilight up close and emotional. But now we’re seeing just these legs. Legs for daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays. And not just legs! But all those warm squares too. The city. The snow piling on, the blizzard intensifying. Everything piling on poor Timber. The streaks in the glass like spotlights or shooting stars. The glass there, keeping the city visible to us at this perspective, but making it clear that Timber is separated from it all. He sees himself so distant from it all. Able to see that glimpse right into someone’s life with such depth that any best friend would have but- he’ll always be separated from them.

But he’s also not! Because Sunset’s there with him in the frame! Just barely. Her boot is blurry and out of focus, doesn’t even take up a quarter of the image. But she’s really there, on his side of the glass with him. He just doesn’t realize it in the way that matters - that Sunset may very well be that best friend that doesn’t leave.

And we see that in the title card too! Except that the title card doesn’t have that same railing. Maybe for dramatic effect/better visibility by excluding less important details, but also maybe because the railing was barely safe, not even intended to be leaned on. Just a guideline to tell you the edge was there. Judging by the way their hair and the snow is blowing, it’s more at their backs/to the side. Either way it’s pushing them more towards the edge. Because you know, that’s clearly Timber and Sunset in the picture in their own bodies. That’s what things are really like. Sunset even mentions that it was only in that moment she remembered that Timber was in Twilight’s body. The lines between her “best friend”s is blurring as she’s seeing them both.

I'm calling OSHA as I write this.

Also, I noticed the way the snow starts in the top right corner and swirls around into the centre of the ‘c’ in ‘Ice’ in the title. Very cool. It’s like it’s trying to carry Sunset and Timber down into it, but being in the eye, they’re relatively safe… for now. I suppose they’re probably safe because they’re in Cadance’s refuge, emotionally and physically. Okay well not totally emotionally but safe-er at least. It’s a safe space, a space where you can be vulnerable to others and yourself and handle all your feelings better, in a more healthy way.

Also, what the hell is up with that one skyscraper? The one that’s ALL lit up and pointed upwards?? It was in an earlier chapter title card. WHY’S IT KEEP COMING BACK. WHY DOES IT HAVE SO MANY LIGHTS. DO YOU NEED THAT MANY LIGHTS ON ALL AT ONCE?

Honestly, Timber’s also making so much more sense now. This whole pattern of friends leaving? Compare to Sunset earlier in the chapter:

Fuck... I’m every bit as selfish as I used to be and you’re all too good to see it. And then a sick certainty settled inside her. I’m going to lose you. And I’ll deserve it.

Timber’s not even selfish. He’s very kind and generous. But still no matter how much he tries, he still loses them anyway. Its certain because its already happened so many times. What does Sunset even think then? She hasn’t lost anyone yet. Does this solidify her conviction to leave first? How will that make Timber feel?

I’m finding it hard to share all my thoughts on the matter in the end. I could’ve probably written much more, but it would’ve been too muddied with my own feelings and experiences. Between these four… all I can give is my own listless,

“Yeah. I know.”

Hard not to relate to indeed.

While Sunset is struggling with finding her own destiny, Timber already knows his because that’s how it has gone for so many years. Could it change? Sure, of course. But how much of himself and what he currently has would have to change for that to be reality? Would he have to give up what his parents worked so hard to build? Would he have to abandon Gloriosa as she tries and handle Camp Everfree on her own? Even when they just barely got out of it, albeit with outside help, but will that help last?

The sound of a sit-com rose like smoke from the TV in Sunset’s living room.

Where there’s smoke, there’s fire.

Tonight? Sunset, as usual, cursed internally. She’d almost forgotten.

Me too like HOLY SHIT THAT’S TONIGHT? I THOUGHT IT WAS WAY OFF.

Twilight raised an eyebrow. “Wouldn’t it be much more convenient to have our outfits here? The portal’s right outside, I assumed we’d just go straight there after school. We don’t want to be tardy, right Timber?”

I’m with Twilight on this. Never know what could go wrong between the Gala Galleria and the portal. And she’s still trying to make sure it doesn’t seem like she’s totally shutting him out, even if she’s setting boundaries.

Rarity tittered. “Yes, well, you know how this school is, dear. Best not to chance these things with magic afoot!

Also a fair assessment. Guess there’s no winning when it comes to Murphy’s Law.

It weighed heavy in her chest to think this might be the last time she saw all of them. She wished she had more time, just to spend with them like this. Her favourite dorks.

Lightning’s out of the bottle Sunset. You going back doesn’t mean the magic goes back. It only means you leave them to handle it alone >:CCC

Solstice nodded, but he looked so exhausted it was hard to tell if he’d gotten the message or not. He patted Flash on the shoulder. “It’s quite brave of you, then. Come along then, son.”

First, gotta mention how brave it is of Flash. He’s got so much potential. It’s coming up here and there, hinting at what he’s really capable of. I’m proud of him.

If we reflect back on how Sunset’s been feeling useless, we might be able to infer that Solstice himself felt like this for most of his life. If he himself experienced these magical issues, but having it be so scarce, he couldn’t really do much with what he knows about therapy and magic. But now he got what he wanted, to feel useful and actually help people with this skill he’s developed. But now he’s the exhausted one. He’s burning out. And if we think back to his past that Sunset saw, how the stresses of his daily life affected him, it might be that these negative emotions allow a darker side of Solstice to emerge.

After seeing a certain reblog about empathy without boundaries being self destruction, I’ve been thinking about that in the context of this story more. Solstice has a chance to use this talent/skill (which he praised in the last chapter) at last to help people who need him. He gets to give them a chance he didn’t have. But this part here about how exhausted he looks, and it adds up to the rest of what we’ve seen from him. He may himself be becoming the villain, causing this anxiety among the students about magic, and he doesn’t even know it. It’s not villainous, it might just be his brain trying to protect him, as so many traumatic events cause people’s brain to do things to just bury them, and end up altering themselves. Solstice is “always tired too”. How can he really have a handle on his powers if he’s always tired? And that mantra: “Peaceful, calm surrender…” The first two words seem fine, but surrender is portrayed as generally accepting the circumstances, allowing yourself to surrender yourself to the moment. But damn it sure sounds like it could be a demand of some pesky heroic teens.

“Yup,” Timber said, not really looking in her direction. “Just here for my boyfriend at this point.”

“Oh. Okay,” Twilight mumbled, and pushed one of his curls behind her ear in a way that made Sunset’s heartburn straight out of her chest.

And not his ex nor ‘new best friend’ :C

“All my feelings can be summed up with expletives. Damn. Ass. Fucked. Fuck. And some Equestrian swears that wouldn’t make sense out of context. Screaming them out always seemed to work until now.”

Same. Sunset can be the Princess of Cursing

Sunset softened, feeling the little drippings of her melted heart fall from her ribcage. She hugged what would normally be Timber Spruce tight to her chest because, after all, this was her best friend. “Sorry to worry you.”

The buildup to this moment, this hug, has been really great this chapter. Sunset flinched at Twilight’s touch. Then she longed for it at Cadence’s. And they’ve been struggling this whole time to not say anything, but it’s only now when they do get to touch that they’ve been able to communicate honestly as they needed to, that Twilight was able to convince Sunset to have a session with Solstice.

And come to think of it, I feel like Timber’s love language might be quality time. He’s pretty dedicated to spending time with his loved ones as much as possible – he lost quality time with family when he lost his parents. And he has to pack it all into one summer at camp before they all leave. But the way he shows his love might also be Acts of Service, because he does a lot for others. Flash’s might be words of affirmation – he needs that reassurance, but that’s also why it stings when he asks the others to try therapy. It would also reflect him being in Applejack – the Element of Honesty – at this time.

Absolutely loving this structure as a whole, constantly finding myself going back and forth from the beginning and ending sections, the way the middle swirls around these particulars in that centre, that Eye of the Ice Storm – where it’s a middle ground of Sunset wanting to touch, but having to spend more quality time with Timber just looking out at the vista, watching sitcoms, and then sitting next to him and watching sitcoms together. She was eased into it, just enough to be able to accept Twilight’s hug. So then everything returns right back where it started, with all these reflections and changes during that time. Beautiful.

It’s hard enough as it is to communicate and understand someone else’s love language. Doing so with a friend? When you don’t know what their limits are or how they perceive certain actions? How each person defines that you are now friends with the other? Makes it even harder. I’ve had one friend for like 6-7 years, she told me her love language was physical touch, and therefore the cuddling she did with her boyfriend was special to her. It took me only until a few months ago to realize that she was communicating that same love language to me by poking me all the time. And here I thought she was just fucking with me since personally, poking was a siblings way to get on your nerves.

And the fact that she’s hugging Twilight in Timber’s body – she’s mentioned a heck of a lot of times how they’re both her best friend. The final line being ‘…this was her best friend…’ hammers Sunset’s attempt to adjust to being Timber’s best friend even further. It’s hard to tell exactly who she’s referring to, because yes it’s Twilight, but also after all these revelations with Timber? After that initial flinch? It really seems like she wants to give him a hug, but can’t quite do it yet.

Sunset forgot the basic blueprints to breathing.

HAH

From the start of the chapter…

Independent from her, her heart catapulted into her mouth and she found herself unable to say anything when she saw Solstice’s eyes burning so cold that vapor billowed off the sides like dry ice. The thin strips replacing his pupils reached down and awoke some instinctual urge to run, but she could see the gentle slope of his smile hadn’t changed.

“You’re right. It’s getting worse and that’s scary.” He gestured towards his eyes. “That’s also why I fight so hard. I have to master it, because if I don’t, I’m not the only one who pays for it. But look.” He screwed his eyes shut tight, and with a few mumbled nothings about calm and peaceful surrenders, he opened them green. Himself.

To the end of the chapter…

Sunset watched her leave the closet and got up to stand in the doorway, watching her walk down the hall. Good timing, too. Solstice came out with Flash⁠—who went over to hug his boyfriend and sit next to him⁠—and welcomed Twilight in with open arms. Twilight spared a look back to Sunset, giving her one last smile before entering the office. Solstice noticed her, too. Any other time, Sunset might have chalked it up to a trick of the light, or her mind playing tricks on her. But she knew him better than that. Solstice Shiver’s eyes lit supernaturally bright, aflame and instructing her instincts to run before he shut them, and entered the office.

Where, if Solstice’s other self is Sombra who’s causing the ice storm, his eyes supernaturally bright – the eye of the ice storm.

A wonderful start and finish of this chapter, moving from one end of the eye to the other. Back into the storm.

[koolkat9]

GerEng Week 2022: Day 8

@gereng-week

Prompt: Amnesia/Remembrance || Dream

Pairing: GerEng, but with GerIta in the beginning

Rating: T

Word Count: 2076

Ludwig

Author's Note: My last fic for GerEng week. I've had this idea rolling around in my mind since I started shipping these two almost 3 years ago and I finally got to writing it. Though I feel HRE and Germany are two characters who share a body but are internally different, I wanted to apply the HRE = Germany theory to a ship outside of GerIta,

It had been quite the month for Ludwig. All of it had started with strange dreams. He was younger, smaller, in a familiar house, but he couldn’t put his finger on it. Sometimes Rodirech and Erzsebet were there, sometimes it was Gilbert, but most of the time it was a little girl in a green dress who looked scarily similar to Feliciano.

For weeks he tried to ignore them, but they all came to a head when Francis entered his dreams, staring down at him coldly, sword pressed against his chest. That night, he had awoken in a cold sweat.

These weren’t normal dreams Ludwig came to realize. In the end, he confided in Gilbert about them and everything was pieced together. He was the Holy Roman Empire, at least according to Gilbert. Gilbert had theorized this for a while since Ludwig apparently came from Holy Rome’s grave when he was born, but he had no memories of his time as Holy Rome until now, so Gilbert never said anything. It was a lot to process, but it did seem the most logical idea given the way the stories Gilbert shared aligned with the dreams Ludwig had been having. So there was his answer. But that answer still left so many questions. Who was he? What did this mean? So many relationships had been lost, so many memories still laying dormant. He didn’t feel like Holy Rome, but he no longer felt like himself either.

As if things weren’t difficult enough, it didn’t take long before the whole world was aware. There was celebration, and many happy tears, but Ludwig still felt lost.

Time went on, more memories came back in the form of dreams, and he even finally got together with Feliciano. He had always liked Feliciano, but it was unrequited for years as Feliciano waited for his lost love. But Ludwig ended up being that lost love. When he had confessed to the Italian the second time, as Holy Rome, he had never seen his friend happier. For a moment, Ludwig had believed that maybe this whole situation wasn’t so bad.

But that feeling didn’t last. Questions spun around Ludwig’s head, the hollow feeling from before returned, he couldn’t focus as his mind wandered to his past. Not even the affection of Feliciano seemed to put any of his anxieties to rest. If anything, it was making it worse.

He would babble on and on about their childhood, still holes in Ludwig’s memory. And even the ones he had seemed distant. Looking back it was as if watching someone else’s life flash before him. But he refused to admit that. Everyone was so much happier now. Gilbert, Ersebet, Feliciano. He couldn’t rip Holy Roman away from them again.

He found himself spacing out more often after these memories resurfaced. It was the only time he felt any semblance of peace from his loud mind.

It was that spaced-out state Arthur had found him in. “Ludwig,” he said seriously, “I need to talk to you.”

Ludwig was shaken out of his blank daydream. “Arthur?”

“In private.”

Arthur’s eyes were hard. He didn’t look angry, but something was searing hot in his gaze. Ludwig silently obeyed, rising to his feet, and letting Arthur lead him to a small conference room. The Brit pulled out a chair, gesturing for Ludwig to sit. Ludwig complied. Arthur sat beside him.

“Now…” Arthur began, “I’m not going to let you weasel your way out of this mate. What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Ludwig replied automatically.

“Bullshit. You’re spacing out, you’re quiet, you barely react to anything anymore…Not to mention how paled and dead-eyed you’ve become. Something is eating at you. I know it is.”

Ludwig was about to go to his next programmed reply, but when he met Arthur’s eyes again, softer now, but full of concern, it was as if a rope had been tossed to him.

His jaw clenched, and he gripped his chair. “I…” He swallowed the lump in his throat. “I-I…I don’t know who I am anymore.”

“Oh, Ludwig…”

Ludwig shut his eyes tightly. They burned with unshed tears, but he wouldn't let Arthur see. He'd already said too much.

“Is this about your memories?” Arthur asked.

Ludwig slowly nodded. He flinched when Arthur placed his hand over his.

Arthur let out a long sigh. “Even if you were the Holy Roman Empire, you’re Germany now. That hasn’t changed. You’ll always be Germany. You’ll always be Ludwig. Stubborn, strong, hard-working Ludwig who overworks himself. Who loves dogs, baking, vinyl records, and morning jogs at sunrise. You’re still you with just a little extra tacked on.” He squeezed Ludwig’s hand, guiding him by the chin to look at him. “Your supposed past shouldn’t dictate your future, and don’t let anyone else make you think it should.”

Ludwig let out a shuttered breath, wiping at his eyes, trying to keep his tears at bay. He had felt so heavy, but at Arthur’s words, it was as if some of that weight had been taken from him, the Brit helping him shoulder it.

“Shhhh, it’s alright Lud. It’s going to be alright.”

Then Arthur hugged him, guiding Ludwig’s face into his chest and letting his hands rest loosely around Ludwig’s neck. Ludwig sank into the embrace, too tired and worn to care about the embarrassment that would surely follow. They stayed like that for what felt like a long while to Ludwig.

“The meeting will start soon,” Arthur whispered, pulling away slightly to look down at Ludwig. “Will you be okay? You have a lot to think about. I could cover for–”

Ludwig smiled softly. He hadn’t in months and it felt good. “You’ve done enough.”

“Then postpone it. I’m not letting you go through with that hell after everything. You’re going to break if you keep pushing on like this.”

Ludwig thought for a moment. Arthur was right, he wasn’t going to be productive at this rate. Perhaps pushing it back at least a day would give him some time to properly sort himself out. “Okay,” he agreed.

Days went by and Arthur’s words echoed through Ludwig’s head. Up until now, Ludwig had been living as Holy Roman Empire for the sake of everyone, but in the process, he noticed he was losing himself. As much as he wanted to please everyone, he couldn’t keep going on like this. He couldn’t be Gilbert’s former little brother, he didn’t have feelings for Feliciano anymore, and he couldn’t be who he once was.

Luckily Gilbert was understanding when he finally confessed all his feelings. There were many hugs, a few tears, but Ludwig felt like he had regained a piece of himself by the end. But he wasn’t worried about telling Gilbert–at least compared to Feliciano.

Ludwig didn’t want to break his best friend’s heart. He had loved Feliciano once. First as Holy Rome and then as Ludwig. But that was almost a century ago. Those feelings had long since gone out, only returning for a brief moment when he was confused and the only thing he felt linked his past and present self was Feliciano. So he grabbed onto him. With a clearer mind, he knew he had to break up with Feliciano, for both their sakes. He loved the Italian dearly, but in every way other than romance. They both deserved someone who loved them romantically, for who they were now, and this “romance” between them was not providing that.

“Feliciano,” Ludwig called softly after everyone had left the meeting hall, “I need to talk to you.”

“Oh! Of course Luddy,” Feliciano cheered. “What is it, my love?”

Ludwig took a deep breath. “Feli…I care a lot about you and I love you very much.”

“I love you too.”

“But you don’t love me for me,” Ludwig blurted out.

Feliciano’s face fell. “What?”

“I’m sorry…That was harsh.” He took hold of Feliciano’s hand. “I don’t doubt you love me platonically…but…You love Holy Rome romantically, not me.”

“Ludwig…I don’t understand–”

“I confessed to you back in the 40s and you rejected me back then. But now with my memories, you accepted that confession. I wasn’t Ludwig when I did…I was…”

“Holy Rome…”

“I’m no longer that person Feli. Those memories are distant to me. And my feelings for you…They’ve been gone since the 50s. You deserve someone who can love you as you want and I deserve to have someone who loves me for all of me, not just who I used to be.”

Feliciano looked up at him with glassy eyes. “I should have seen this coming,” Feliciano said with a wet laugh, “I…I-I should have never accepted your confession. I was…He was finally home and I just…I had been waiting for you–him–for so long that I jumped on the chance not thinking you were different now.” The tears were streaming now and they punched Ludwig in the stomach. “I wasn’t thinking that maybe all of this had put you in a confused, vulnerable state, twisting what you really wanted. It’s complicated…Gilbert tried to explain that to me. But whatever this means for you…It’s clear your heart doesn’t belong to me and I’m sorry for feeling entitled to it because of the past.”

Ludwig swallowed hard. “Thank you,'' he whispered.

“Can I hug you?”

“Of course.” Ludwig opened his arms to Feliciano and the Italian rushed into him. He squeezed his friend tightly, relieved that he would still have him in his life.

Their hug was interrupted by the creaking of the door. The two pulled away, looking at each other and then at the door. Arthur stood, knuckles white against the door handle, eyes piercing, though softening as soon as he met Ludwig’s.

“Go to him,” Feliciano urged, a smile returning to his face.

Ludwig gave him a hesitant look before nodding. “Thank you.”

He squeezed Feliciano’s shoulder before heading towards Arthur.

“I broke up with Feli,” Ludwig said bluntly.

Arthur’s eyes went wide. “Uh…Good for you? Um…I-I mean…Is that good or bad?”

“Good I think? I mean…We’re still friends and I feel like a weight has been lifted so…”

The Brit smiled. “Good.”

They stood awkwardly, Ludwig stiff, Arthur bouncing his leg ever so slightly.

“Arthur…" Ludwig spoke up again, gaze falling to his feet. "I-I have something to tell you.” He looked away, cheeks flushing a faint pink.

“Yes?”

“I-I…um…I’ve been thinking a lot since we talked, and…Well we had all that time together following the World Wars despite everything that transpired in them…What I’m trying to say is, I think I’m falling in love with you.”

Arthur froze, his hand gripping onto Ludwigs. “Y-You don’t have to rush into anything Lud. You just went through a break up, you’re still going through a lot. You don’t–”

“I know. But these feelings have been festering long before all this memory shit. And… You were the one to finally bring me out of whatever I was in. Just like you did in the 50s. You make me calm and you make me feel loved. A-And I want to do the same for you."

Arthur's face reddened even more, but a small smile grew. "Who knew you could be such a romantic?"

"I picked up a few things from Feli I guess." Ludwig finally had enough courage to look back at Arthur.

Arthur smirked. “Well then, I’ll have to up my game then. I can’t promise fancy food or wine. But I’d like to take you out to dinner. Tonight if you’re available.”

Ludwig chuckled before realizing what Arthur had just asked him out. “I-I’d love that.”

“Then it’s settled. I’ll swing by your room tonight and pick you up?”

Ludwig could only nod dumbfoundedly.

Arthur grinned and with a wave, he was on his way back to his hotel.

Ludwig’s heart was beating a mile a minute, his palms were sweaty and something fluttered in his stomach. It was nothing like how it had been with Feliciano.

“I never thought about you and Arthur,” Feliciano thought aloud, “But in a way, it's fitting.”

“Yeah…It feels right.”

Feliciano squeezed his arm. “I’m happy as long as you’re happy. All of us are.”

Ludwig nodded. It had been a rough couple of months, but in the end, he knew everything was turning out as it was supposed to. He was Ludwig, representation of Germany, dog dad, baker, leader of meetings (and hopefully Arthur's lover). And that was more than enough.

[hagfishviperfish]

eieudururururuffggh… it’s definitely along the lines of limerence. u think its fine when ur sitting together, it’s actualized that this is someone you could never be together with, and really he’s not all that glittering attractive in terms of someone you would want to be in a relationship with anyway. but then there’s the twofold dream of living with him, then wandering around a city aimless with the thought resounding “i love you so much please text me back”

i think it’s a sign of needing to reconcile something in myself but i don’t know what. i am left with these feelings that i do not know how to deal with. i desire him so much but he is not present. he never will be. it’s just how he is. i don’t know why he’s worth it in terms of my brain/heart. as i said, there are so many things about him that are extremely unattractive in terms of a relationship. This is a consequence of coming back into his life, but really this was happening anyway, in the past two years. it was so nice to just sit with him and not want for more, except i feel bad drawing him to speak to me but that’s fine

i don’t trust him with anything in the world, i feel that i don’t really know who he is, if he’s even a real person — but also that it’s so simple and he’s much more simple than i think. except it’s just that i don’t know. i can only assume and assume and theorize because he’s never around. i don’t know why i wish to know him specifically. Maybe it’s an ego thing. Maybe it’s an issue.

I had a dream that i think was a sequel to an existing dream but i dont know. It was like. I was adopted by the queen and king of england, they looked over me and raised me for a bit. And eventually i had to go back home to my mother. This dream was the sequel where I come back to see them again and see how every influence I had on their castle and lives and everything was stripped away and muttered about as ill-fashion— “oh, that old thing.” whereas i looked up to them so much, i was devoted and dedicated so much to them. they taught me how to dance, i taught the king jokes, things like so.

upon seeing all the ways i meant nothing to them I proceeded to have a breakdown in the dream, taking it out on them, everyone around me, tearing things down, playing into the ill worth they regarded me with by giving them something to be actually disgusted by.

My ex was there— he was there because he heard it was me, on the news, in the rumors, and came to witness. he was talking to people about me, telling them who i was and who he was, *defending* me. Which was crazy. So fond. but when i really think about it I think he was there because ultimately being the child of the queen of england and then coming back to see i meant nothing felt like what it was like to be in a relationship with him.

Why i am drawn to people i mean nothing to. I dont know. why their validation in my worth means so much. i dont know. why i see my worth through others. i dont know. this is what i need to reconcile in myself but. i don’t know. How. I even feel like its fine most of the time, but then i look up to someone and it all comes back.

I just wish he cared about me enough to come by. But he doesnt and i need to find someone who does. Thats the path i’m trying to take. It’s just sorrowful. What also overtakes me sometimes is that when he’s not there, he claims to be thinking of me. Stalking my twitter. Watching what i’m doing wherever. Songs that make him think about me. Which kind of makes it worse. All of that and it’s still not enough to draw him near. He was right in saying I am someone that needs someone to be there for me and it was hardly a kindness that he let go of me when saying that, especially considering the circumstances, but at least he could admit he was not that person. it’s this wish i have that i need to reconcile. the fact that it exists at all. I wish it could go away, I’ve been trying to make it go away, forcing it to by looking at all the facts and realities, but yet its still here, I don’t know how to change, I need to be strong

[oneaneonly]

it actually.. never occurred to me if they end their life then me, and by extension rest of us, never get to say goodbyes either. i never left a note. or anything like that. i dont have anyone to leave it to. nothing in life really matters to me. i feel like, if i had to write Anything to anyone itd be j***. for keeping them… alive? being kind to them even when i and no one else was

i had a rough start. i dont know why i was the way i was. we theorize i learned how to treat them from how the world treated them, but i dont know. when i first got here i was fuck lack of better word a dick. i hated them. i think? i dont know but i was angry. i used to physically beat them up and theyd run away to j*** so scared because of me and that was the only one who could protect them. they didnt make the connection about systems but just knew someone inside of them was beating them up. it was scary because where do you hide? j*** didnt like me for a long time, understandably, because of how i was treating someone they loved. and i was scared of what theyd do to me

i think i discovered guilt (?) but i have spent so long, years now, trying to be different. i dont want to hurt them. and after 2022 i realised how painful it is living in their life. i dont want to say i pity them because they wont like it but its… rough. its insane to live like this. since then ive tried to make their life easier, stand up if applicable, because no one else has and ever will. it sure seems so.

j*** i have an unmoving appreciation for. thats the only person i can trust to handle them with tact and the caution they desire. they are unwavering with their love and, for the first time in their life, they genuinely trust j***. as close as they can get to it i guess.

all that to say… i know i was bad. i know im not really good. i dont have all these emotions like care and empathy and whatever else, i just dont care about most things, im angry sometimes and indifferent always. maybe sometimes im fascinated and elated. theres a lot in this world to see. i think part of me wishes i knew more. but i dont care enough

thank you to those who tried and a big fuck you to those who didnt. im not the gentle one they are and i dont care. fuck you to everyone who put them here. theyll say its their fault but id have half the mind to list every one of you shit stains off by NAME if i didnt worry about their best interests and how itd affect them safety wise. but fuck you. this should be you. you should be the one hunched over in pain. you should be the ones not eating meals because YOU dont deserve it. YOU should be the one cutting yourself with a tape blade for repentance. YOU should be the one planning running away everyday of your life. you should be planning suicides. you should be battling two personality disorders. i dont want to write a kind note because now i realise i have nothing nice to say. fuck you all. fuck all of you. i hope its you instead. that, in death, would make me feel good as fuck

they love their parents, j***, the two people they talk to. anyone else? who am i to say it wasnt about you. see you in hell

an and puri and i dont get along well but i am willing to write notes for them here too, if they wish

[door430]

In short, mis/uninformed counselors are the WORST to talk to

Gonna vent here, so probably Don't read if you're in a bad headspace, and also don't read if you hate reading, because this is a long, long, long post. Specific CW: discussion of fusion and dormancy in plurality/DID

Okay, SO. Recently, I've begun seeing a new therapist (he's great btw, he's not the one I'm venting about). Thing is, he wanted me to have an updated psych eval done at the place he is working at. Which, okay, I guess it's good to stay on top of potentially relevant issues, so I agreed to do it.

A week later, I walk into the eval, and I say to myself, "Oh, no, it's this bitch."

Bit of backstory: I've been evaluated at this place before. Now, I say "evaluated", but really, they just put me in a room with this counselor, gave me two hours to talk about my difficulties and traumas, and sent me on my way. Now, I'm no therapist, but I've had a previous evaluation elsewhere and I've heard enough about them that I... don't think that's how they're supposed to be done usually. But hey, I could be wrong.

They diagnosed me with some things that I expected... and then I read the diagnosis of schizotypal personality disorder. A disorder caused by "magical thinking" that may cause difficulty in interacting with people and the world. And I go, "What the fuck," because if I have magical thinking, it's certainly news to me, my mom, my dad, and EVERYONE I HAVE EVER SPOKEN TO SINCE THE DAWN OF TIME. And she goes "Yeah, I didn't really know what to diagnose you with, so me and my colleague just kinda threw you under this one" (which also effectively cancels out my autism diagnosis, one I am pretty sure is accurate. thank you, (counselor).)

End of backstory!

Now, I obviously knew this would go badly, just based on past experience. But I wasn't prepared for how badly.

For years now, I have theorized that I am plural in some way. There seems to be distinct and separate states of consciousness that exist within my brain. Each of us have our own names, opinions, internal appearance, internal and external voices, and sometimes memories. I have no idea if my plurality is disordered, or what disorder it would fit under, but I'm 99% sure we are plural.

The eval goes okay at first, just the usual questions about self-confidence and anxiety. And then she brings up the "others" that I had told her about in the last eval.

I go, "oh, yeah, that's developed a lot since last time. We've discovered (number) distinct identities"

and she goes "hmm... do you think you have Dissociative Identity Disorder?"

My heart drops. if you've ever had a doctor or therapist ask you something like this before, you probably know the feeling. I'd just been handed a metaphorical gun, and the only targets are my left foot and my right.

Of course, to hopefully soften the blow, I say, "I think it's a possibility".

She explains how DID is formed, which yeah, I knew that, but I'd rather not risk her taking that as a personal insult. And she says that the goal for treatment is to merge the parts into one.

Everything internally descends into chaos. Many of us are very scared of the prospect of fusing, especially the younger ones. Personally, I could care less whether I ever fuse with another headmate or not, but I'm not keen on forcing the solution upon anyone unwilling.

I bring up the idea of functional multiplicity to her, and she goes "but why can't you just be one person?"

Palm, meet face.

She continues insisting upon the idea that any type of multiplicity is a disorder that must be "fixed", and I continue to raise the question, how is plurality inherently bad? Of course, she does not listen or answer my question, because all hail the mighty therapist who knows all.

(She also ended up influencing my mom into believing plurality is inherently bad, and now my mom thinks I can't live in the real world unless I fuse. Thank you, (counselor) and mother.)

Multiple headmates, including me, had a breakdown after the appointment (which was only an hour long, which, again, I'm not a therapist, but I don't think that's enough time to do a psych eval) to the point where one considered putting himself in PERMANENT DORMANCY so he wouldn't have to deal with this and we wouldn't have to deal with him (dw, he's still here and doing much better)

Anyway, how was your Halloween? /lh

[campbluelake]

There’s No “Demon” in Team | Eri | MM.2 | Re: Tommy, Malyce, Max

If you had asked Eri a few months ago if she’d ever find Tommy cool, she would’ve replied with something along the lines of a resolute, “Hell no.” Which isn’t because she’s lacking in merits, so much as those merits have never seemed particularly impressive to her.

But here she is now, jaw slightly agape as she listens to her theorizing. Clearly she’s in her element, and she has to admit she now understands why Jo finds her so attractive. It’s much like how Audie lights up when talking about horror movies (which isn’t exactly dissimilar from their situation, really).

And as the trial continues, Eri can’t help but regard everyone here with a sense of warm admiration. The way they can piece together all the evidence they found, making sense of the numerous capitalist Hell-related documents and eerie logs they stumbled upon… She’s grateful for their help and expertise.

“Man, we all make a really good team, don’t we?”

She says this aloud instead of in her head, much to her chagrin. Immediately she winces, cheeks turning red. Whoops! They weren’t supposed to know she’s impressed right now!

And so she shakes her head, embarrassed pout giving way to a more pointed glare. If she made the mistake of speaking up, might as well give her own two cents, right?

“‘Cept for this dumbass Contractor and Vual’s demon buddy, yeah? They ain’t ever invited to me and Sporto’s beach vacation home, got it?”

She glances over at Kyousuke, whom she’s presumably to one side of. She gives him a thumbs-up, accompanied by a grin.

“By the way, I figured that’d be a good alternative to living with you and Nikonyan, y'know? Gettin’ a vacation home we can stay at sometimes! You can call me a genius for it later, okay?”

And with that, she turns back to the group as a whole, the glower returning as she does so.

“Anyway, as I said earlier, I think Vual’s usin’ this dweeb… Like, why else would he give the Contractor the book via Chad’s List, if not to use them later? Not that they’re special or anything. I bet Vual would’ve used anyone who managed to crack the code of the demon book, y’know? It just happened to be this Contractor person.”

She shrugs. She means Craigslist, by the way.

“And speakin’ of Chad’s List, wasn't the seller in Salt Lake City? I got no clue where that is, but maybe we can narrow it down by sayin’ the Contractor had to be able to get there easily— like, within drivin’ distance? Either that or have the money to drop on a plane ticket there for somethin’ that might be worthless.”

She glances to Malyce, then to Max, then back to Malyce again.

“And no offense, Mal, but I think Max is righter with his theory the Contractor ain’t an expert at magic. ‘Cause like, we dunno how long this person was at it, yeah? Like they said weeks in the third video, and seemed like they were goin’ at it nonstop. So maybe they ain’t magic so much as they’ve got a lotta time on their hands, y’know?”

She shrugs, the iciness in her gaze fading.

“Plus them doing the fire shit… I mean, who knows if that was their own doing? Could've just been Vual giving them a taste of what they could get if they kept going. They were bein’ led along, and they didn’t care ‘cause they were so hyped to see the hard work they were putting into something finally pay off, y’know?”

A part of her wants to say she feels bad for this Contractor person, but she knows better than to do so in front of Kyousuke and the others. After all, this is a trial to figure out who’s responsible for this awful situation. Having pity — no, sympathy — for the people behind it would only make her friends more frustrated with her.

And so she falls quiet, wondering if even demons are beyond redemption.