#I should be telling all this to a therapist lmao but Tumblr will do

[rosetinted--clouds]

"it's all in your head" lies it's in my chest too

[edible-emerald]

gonna try and make a proper pinned post lmfao

LINK TO A THERIAN DISCORD SERVER THAT I OWN THAT'S SUPER COOL AND AWESOME AND YOU SHOULD JOIN

SYSCOURSE CODE: 👍/❤️🗯/📘/🔺🔶/🔵/🌘🌕/🟧/🌲/🌥️☀️/💭/🐊/🐌🐞/🐳

PLURAL CODE: ❓/❓/🔥/🌴/❓🐏/❓/⚡/ (We're still figuring a lot out)

A LOT OF THIS WAS WRITTEN BEFORE WE KNEW WE WERE PLURAL WE'LL UPDATE SOON I PROMISE MOST OF THIS APPLIES TO THE HOST

Howdy. You can call me Emerald, Calypso or Syren. My pronouns are she/they/xe/it. (Girlflux) Usually any are fine to use but they do fluctuate, so ask. Even if you use listed pronouns when I don't want you do I don't usually care all too much. I'm aromantic/asexual, possibly hypersexual, EXTREMELY romance repulsed, and a minor.

Because I am a minor, I ask that adults respect their own DNIs if they have that. If you don't, you may interact; but I get defensive, argumentative and anxious very easily, especially around adults.

Idk how I never added it but my mental disorders and disabilities are: ADHD (Diagnosed at age 9) Depression (Diagnosed at age 11) Social anxiety (Self diagnosed) Autism (Highly suspected/in the process of pursuing a diagnosis) Some sort of trauma disorder (Suspected, talking with my therapist about possible PTSD) OCD (Suspected) DID/OSDD (We're a sys(let) so the chances are relatively high, plus other symptoms)

We're desirdae! We use a lot of desirdae & dissomei labels, however some major ones are desirfakesui, desirpermateen, desirworsen, desirpermadaydream, and a few others.

On most websites I use the username edible_emerald, including discord and ao3.

Plurallet. I'm still figuring out this identity and questioning it so it's kinda a placeholder but keep that in mind. Simply plural is calypsoooo, if you friend me tell me your tumblr username when you do (I may decline sorry)

We're a Mixed Origin system! More specifically, Esogenic and our term, Hexabyssgenic. if you have a problem with it than block button is there for your convenience <3

I'm a therian, my theriotype is Northwestern wolf. I'm questioning Mermaid/selkie/siren and Lynx/wild feline, along with something winged. I’m also mermaidhearted and have other hearttypes that I’ve been too lazy to figure out but I will eventually

I post art sometimes

Also I like to write!! :3

I'm currently hyperfixating on MCYT, specifically KSMP, LSSMP, UU, Park/PVPciv, and Whitepine. Some previous hyperfixations include LU/TOTK/TLOZ, TOH, CSMP, KOTLC, TADC, HH, HB, MD, TOS (1 and 2), and chess. I write fanfiction a bit and you can find my writings on my ao3 account (edible_emerald)

I run a plethora of sideblogs, ask if you're curious

I can reclaim the slurs faggot, retard and tranny but I don't really use them very often, unless you talk to me in dms/discord than I do a little bit more lmfao

I will update this when I remember stuff lmao

I will try to respect your boundaries, but I may forget and accidentally misgender you, etc. Please correct me if I do! Also I tend to be petty a lot, so I will probably argue with people. If you'd rather I just leave it, you can let me know and I'll drop it. I'm too autistic to realize otherwise lmao

My only DNIs are that bigots and radqueers DNI. I also ask that Harry Potter and DSMP fans DNI *UNLESS* I interact first, then you're welcome to.

Also, astrothetherian supporters go the fuck away. We've been harassed by them and sent literal SA threats by them. If you think that's acceptable than stop pretending you care about trauma survivors BECAUSE WE ARE ONE.

As for my other DNIs, I don't have any, anyone can interact. You will want to keep in mind that I'm:

Pro endogenic/tulpamancer/willogenic systems

Neutral on the whole 'the term tulpamancy is cultural appropriation!' argument because i've seen different accounts from different people and some of them are Tibetan Buddhists and some of them aren't and idek what to believe atp

Pro self-diagnosing (with research)

Anti proship/conship <- shipcourse is really really stupid btw. Unless you say "fiction doesn't affect reality" i do not give a shit like at all. and if you respond "all proshippers think fiction doesn't affect reality" i will probably block you (unless we're moots) BECAUSE SHIPCOURSE IS STUPID AND I REFUSE TO GET INVOLVED.

Neutral on lesboys

Click the link below to help Palestinians in need. It's free and only takes a few seconds!

I really love these userboxes :3 below the cut is just a bunch more userboxes

[mamamittens]

Time isn't fucking real istg

Got home and pulled my laptop out, fully intending to write and what happens????

What fucking happens????

I eat dinner and open animal crossing up instead of lofi jazz.

A game I haven't played in literally 1 year and 5 months, per one of my villagers (shockingly not overrun by weeds, guess Nintendo laid off the guilt tripping). And then what happened??? I only played for less than an hour.

Haven't a single damn clue. 11 hour work days for the second 6-day workweek in a row is really fucking with me lmao

Next thing I knew, it was time to shower if I wanted my hair reasonably dry for bonnet time without it being soaked when I gotta get up for work. And my weekend is definitely shot cause no way in hell are we not working Sunday and my brother is graduating this Saturday with the degree he needs to be a licensed therapist. So we gotta get up early to drive there and damn is this month a bitch already lmao

At the very least, if memory serves, I'm only waiting on two more folks to tell me what they want for their event gift/slots. Everyone else is spoken for and in theory I should be able to actually work on them soon without worrying about stopping and waiting for anyone.

In all fairness to myself, I've got 4 hours of free time when I get home and I don't sleep nearly enough as it is. Still gotta eat and shower too...

If only those self help books didn't feel like more homework for myself....

Lets see, what's my to do list?

8 fics between Tumblr and AO3 to be completed

6 December event fics

1 October event fic (2 if I count year before)

5 December art pieces

Plan and execute gift art piece for friend who did not enter event

1 zine fic

1 zine art piece

2 zine art pieces on other zine fics

Continue reading OP from chapter... 34?

Continue Apothecary Diaries from volume 7 (great read btw, quite fun)

Continue watching OP from Baratie introduction episode

Finish reading book on Satanism

Start reading grief and death guide

Sweep and mop my floor (should be higher up list, cats keep kicking litter out of box like rude bitches)

Buy new microwave

Buy new garbage disposal

Start watching Sailor Moon or at least one of the other 8 anime seasons I have, why do I keep collecting these but opening YouTube???

Oh! Wrap gifts I do have purchased but not distributed.

Find good dirty Santa gift.

Sleep forever until not tired

Write those passion fics (untold number, I keep putting them down and forgetting about them until 7 months later)

Damn, listing everything out makes it seem both unwieldy and more manageable somehow... I don't think it's in the order it should be tho lol

Anyway! Time to at least try number 20! Ya know! For work!

✧⁠◝⁠(⁠⁰⁠▿⁠⁰⁠)⁠◜⁠✧

[dead-air-radio]

Omg here's me just talking about my day so if you're here for gore and sexual stuff this is not it. This is more like a rant/vent lmao so if you're here for me this is for you lmao

Bro I need you guys to understand how much I love this friend of mine. Like not in a romantic or platonic way like neither. He's genuinely like god I don't know what I'd do without him he's literally family, him and their gf are literally closer to me than my actual family and they are in fact my family. Like okay family lore guys gather round but when I had first met my ex it was by one of my best friends if your an Og you know her as M. And pretty much she had 2 best friends that were her ride or die for like 7years and one was my ex and the other was the dude I'm talking about in the beginning I legit might as well just call him my dad cause we'll he is. He was there for me throughout me and my exes relationship and he'd talk with me a lot and we like bonded instantly into like mentor type ass bond. And when my ex started becoming more and more abusive I thought my dad( my friend) would side with him cause yknow people usually side with the person they know longer and they were best friends. And at first I'd talk about it and he never once made me feel like he thought I was lying or that he didn't care. Ofc in the beginning he chopped my ex being so harsh and stuff to 'oh that's always him he's my brother and he'd do nothing like that on purpose I'll give him a talk and just know it's okay to tell me these things etc etc." At the time he was in a bit of disbelief cause well the way my ex acted towards people was like slowly ramping up.

And then I full on had confessed to my dad how he would do certain things (which I didn't even consider rape or abuse at the time) and immediately he just blocked him he sent a message before he did to my ex being like " hey the way you treat Sawyer who you know I see as my son is not smth I want in my life and if you don't cut the shit I don't want to talk to you nor do I want you going around sawyer" (when I read these messages i cried so hard lol I love my dad sm) also my dad (still talking about my friend guys lol) he's a pyshcology major and he's becoming a therapist and when I was trying to detach myself from my ex it was really hard cause I thought I deserved it and it didn't count as rape etc etc.

Pretty much I didn't want to write this man out to be a rapist especially to his 2 best friends. When I had told them about what he did to me it was as a reason why I was gonna stop talking to all of them cause I didn't want to paint him to be a bad person and that i knew if i kept talking about it to them they wouldn't like him so I was basically just trying to pretend like I was never introduced to them so they could keep liking my ex as their brother. But both have stayed by my side even after me n my ex stopped talking. They hate him which makes me feel guilty but I'm glad they've been here with me. I would not be alive if it wasn't for M and my dad. (This is the ex that made me stop using all socials and cut myself off the face of the earth and decided maybe I should try tumblr cause no one I know uses it and I could vent there so you can thank him for you guys hearing this ig lolz)

Anyways lore aside present time so my ex lived a couple hrs away from me but in the same state and M lives like a couple mins from me but my dad lives in a whole other different state and I've only seen him once in person and it was the week my ex and me stopped talking and the week I almost committed suicide but like after my attempt the next day he was pretty much at my door and it was so amazing I love him so much. And then after that day he had to go drive back home :( and it's been almost a year since I first saw him.

Cut to today and he surprised me last week saying how I'd feel if we went out to eat. And I'm like bro I'd love that but your not here only for him to say he'd be coming to see me and we hung out today for the second time in person and guys I'm literally in love with this man like not romantically like idk hoe to express that this dude is literally my dad I love him like he's my own blood. And he got me sushi and refused to let me pay. He got mad at me anytime I looked at price tags lol.

He's just so great. We only had 5hrs to hangout and he surprised me with a new skateboard so we went skating together too and now the day is over and he's already on his way home :( I miss him so much anyways this post was just me talking about how much I love my dad lol and I'll post pics of my skate board too <3. This genuinely was one of my fav days I loved seeing him and I got a gift from his gf (literally my mom lol) and it's a little wolf stuffy. And they said it reminded them of me. Cause even irl people joke about me being a puppy/dog boy lol. Anyways guys I'm not fatherless lmao. I just miss them and it's gonna make me sad they had to leave lmao

[ashwithapen]

in honour of me getting my account restored, here—have this 'personal statement' i joke-wrote back in june. i just found it when i was cleaning up my files and i re-read it and thought "tumblr. immediately." lmao

(p.s. if anyone has any advice for writing personal statements for uni applications, my inbox/comments/rbs are open 🥲)

We were sent a PDF today about how to write a personal statement. #5: “Stay positive and interesting. Avoid dwelling on negatives or making excuses” And it makes sense, but what if I am my mistakes? 

What if I am the shattered coffee mug on the kitchen floor? And if I am the apology forlorn at the fresh end of a friendship? What if I am the hole dug by a puppy or the chair ruined by a cat? The brush of a coat against the big red button labelled: “WARNING: DO NOT TOUCH”.

And if I have been built by my faults? A lie here and there to save my own ass, and maybe sometimes for the hell of it. Maybe that is what makes me unique: the dumb, deluded prowess with which I traverse the years. The broken toes, the margin doodles penned in blue ink. The misspeaks, the miscalculations.

And then she handed out worksheets with a simple table. “Who are you?” I nearly laughed, because if neither my therapist nor my teenage memoirs know, then how should I? But I go with it for those next 20 minutes and scour my past for an inkling as to who I am. I write down what I want to pursue. What are my hobbies, my interests? My achievements? Most dauntingly, what are my skills and qualities? 

If I bang on the keyboard for hours at a time until something satisfactory comes out, does that make me a pianist? And if my fingers grow sore atop the fretboard over a melody I’ve been wrestling with all week, does that make me a guitarist? By writing this personal statement, am I an author? Or does somebody need to quote me first? And what if I quote myself? Give a line or two in italics as if it will prove me over another. Chapter 2: I am a growing person who is learning about what pride is in their own, exciting little way. Call it a day and cross my fingers with that same dumb, deluded sense of accomplishment knowing I have sent my future 4000 characters about my mistakes. 

Maybe I blame it all on autism and stain one of the most integral parts of myself in an attempt to wedge my way in just so I can sit in the lecture hall in my guilt and wonder: “How many others deserved this spot more than me?”

I blame it on the scenes I write about the girls and boys I wish I had a chance to know the taste of. Tell them—anyone passing who pauses to ask—that I am studying and close the tab with a practised flick of my wrist. Smile and nod until they leave me alone again with what I can feel growing into a mistake beneath my fingers. 

Some people have said that mistakes are the back end of mental illness. People you pass in the mall who stare a bit too long and make you uncomfortable; you should have worn something with long sleeves. People who can make you think: “Was it a mistake?” To me, no. It was not a mistake. There are days when I regret it, and there are days when I am a growing person who is learning about what pride is in their own, exciting little way. It was a challenge, and now, to make light of it, I wear my grin and call it “writing experience”. I know it is pride; I know I have overcome that challenge. 

A mistake is what you make when you don’t know. I am 17; I would be more surprised if I did know. A mistake is something conceived in a test that the teacher insists you shouldn’t be stressing over. Mistakes are the poems I send to my friend late at night on the quest for approval. Mistakes are the lyrics that never went anywhere, each with their own litany of reasons why they suck attached. A mistake is this PS; a long drawl in which I go back to my roots of defiance and let my coat brush the big red button and do exactly what I have been told not to. 

And a thousand more. Not knowing when to stop or to ask for help. The drinks at the Halloween party. The glimpses I pretend not to steal as they sit across the table from me and kiss. The bruising of the bowstring and the twisting of my wrist, to name some of this last year’s. And they are me at my simplest before the truth is warped. I am my mistakes, and I lay them out in the daylight so that you know I am human. 

[girlcatullus]

good morning beloved mutuals. once again i am using tumblr as my personal dumping grounds for dreams, knick-knacks, obsessive thoughts et cetera. *kissy face*

this time is mostly because i want to remember these dreams so i can give the occasional bone to pick to my therapist (who is really keen on hearing what i dream and walks away disappointed most times because i tend to be unable to remember my dreams. lmao)… also because these dreams have been pretty weird and left me well, not unsettled or uncomfortable but they made me think. (keeping this as short as possible because i have things to do this morning THAT i am forfeiting in favor of writing a tumblr post about Weird Dreams)

okay so! basically. yesterday night i had this dream i only remember one scene of: i was in a park (in my German Erasmus City) and i was cuddling with this guy on a picnic blanket. this guy is a Very Real person some stuff happened with and for whom i ended up getting a fucked up crush on at my lowest in february-march and whose thought made me panicky and sad and want to self-isolate to hell and back. this same guy i ended up seeing during my holiday stint in sicily and the atmosphere between us was GLACIAL… my friends told me he’s got like. super pissed at me because i didn’t come out to say hi before we were leaving German Erasmus City. like we hung out just the two of us a couple times when the others had gone away already and i was always somewhat uncomfortable because the conversation was awkward and i genuinely did not understand why he kept hanging out with me and if he liked my company at all… back then i felt he didn’t behave all that correctly towards me and i still maintain that.

but i’m sorry he was disappointed by the fact i didn’t come out to say goodbye in march. i mean i was probably pissed at him and very depressed and hiding in my room but i’m sorry and i’ve been ruminating ever since my friends told me this… like. text him and tell him. it’s just not my style though. and i don’t think he would take it super well? i wouldn’t even know what to say except i didn’t know it made him feel like it and i’m sorry for it. and so many months have passed and i should just leave it be.

and i dreamt about him yesterday. and my ex boyfriend is coming to town in a matter of days and i am thinking about it, and him, all the time, wondering if i should text him at least to wish him good luck on his phd admission test. which i would gladly do if i wasn’t so afraid of upsetting him by showing up. and i thought that maybe i could just pop by the uni and wish him good luck in person. but then again i wouldn’t want to spring on him like that. and if i don’t text him at all i am going to feel bad anyway because it’s been ages since the last time i saw him and the mere thought makes me want to cry.

tonight i dreamt about the other guy again. last night’s dream surprised me because it was so sweet and tender and i didn’t expect to want that so much - intimacy and silence and being held. and my brain, my subconscious decided to assign him that part? like… i have my ex on my mind most of the time nowadays and he’s like the most plausible pick for tenderness but no. it seems like i can’t even bring myself to face him in the dreamscape. back then, right before everything happened, i used to dream about him all the time.

and in tonight’s dream i was somewhere, in a house with a terrace/garden (like my friend’s sicilian villa) with my friends. he gets there, and instead of acting cold like it actually happened in reality, he takes me by the hand without saying a word and he drags me to the end of the terrace and we just kiss. and there was desire (if you huh. know what i mean. it feels cringe writing it but basically he was… making me feel it) but mostly tenderness.

and then the dream kind of degenerated into a complicated storyline like… buses to take in my city… the same guy, or perhaps another person, transitioning (and i conjured this very articulated monologue by this trans woman who at this point was a different person entirely who still had ties with my erasmus friends… she was talking about freedom of expression and how freeing it was to go to the cinema before the rise of the internet??)… also this party on the beach with my erasmus friend that ended like. really late at night. and i went home, somehow had nicolas maupas there of all people, my parents coming home in the middle of the night and having to shoo him out… also missing a plane to valle d’aosta because i had booked a flight for that same night but with the party and all i forgot, and having these thoughts about when to reschedule the flight… it was all pretty weird.

well. this turned out longer than anticipated but i had fun procrastinating revising catullus 68. i hope you had fun reading about my dreams and real life drama lmao. kissies to all of you mutuals

[archwing]

things i should probably be telling my therapist instead of tumblr mutuals (nothing too heavy)

described to my husband why i get so worked up over school by saying i feel like a 40 year old man behind on mortgage payments about to be evicted whenever i dont do well on a test. and its true lmao

idk what mental block i have going on but im afraid to succeed and im afraid to fail so i just am always Afraid of any outcome i have. so i just remain in this state of misery bc apparently im not convinced yet that school doesnt have to be a hellscape of pressure and disappointment. ive only taken a few Ls so far this term but they still overshadow my Ws like crazy. i cant even celebrate or appreciate what ive done well bc the things ive fucked up on exist, and as long as they exist they will carry three times as much weight as any W.

anyway tldr im cooked fr if i dont stop being weird about my school shit. very glad i have therapy next week and we can emdr this all away (mostly)

[theperfectblonde]

Sorry I’m going to aggressively rant on main for a minute cause I don’t have a therapist atm and tumblr is the next best thing :’)

So like… I live with my boyfriend’s family. His mom his sister and his nephew. I’ve been here for 6 months, and I can’t STAND the way they live/think?? (Yes I’m already planning on moving out lmao)

But like his nephew is 10. He doesn’t wake up on his own, because he’s fucking 10 and he still needs an adult to help him... because he’s fucking 10. This is a concept they have yet to grasp, and believe him to be a fully grown adult who is capable of making smart and well informed decisions of his own volition (they tell him he should be able to do this, all the time). He doesn’t do any of that, OBVIOUSLY, because I can’t stress this enough, HES TEN.

His mom will come into our bedroom, WAKE ME UP (my bf and his sister are already at work in the morning) to GO WAKE HIS NEPHEW UP, and say that she’s been trying to do it all morning and he “hasn’t woken up”.

Their version of “waking him up” is calling his name ONCE from the bottom of the stairs. His mother, every single morning without fail, is SHOCKED that a ten year old isn’t getting himself out of bed. Wonders why he doesn’t get himself up and dressed and ready when nobody tells him what to do or lays it out for him.

And when he sleeps in?

THEY DONT SEND HIM TO SCHOOL.

ALL. DAY.

The school is LITERALLY 100m walking distance away, by the way.

And my bfs mom doesn’t entertain him - she watches tv all day and lets him play video games!!!

But he also argues with them - he’s like “oh it’s too late for me to go to school” and they BUY that??? Like!!! What kind of house is letting a fucking ten year old call the shots! They want him to make his own choices and well obviously he’s going to pick that 😂

And then he calls his MOM who AGREES (he’s late to school by ONE hour, by the way. A two minute walk away from the school). WHY IS HIS MOM SAYING YES TO THIS, knowing full well he’s bullshitting, that he’s not going to do his homework (because he never does), and then yelling at him for not going to school that day BUT BITCH YOU SAID NOT TO!!!!

What a miserable fucking existence. Like for me and for everyone else, but they create their own problems lmfaooo.

Like I feel bad for the kid and do the best I can, but jfc. What an awful childhood, to have nobody raising you, and then everyone yelling at you when you’re doing it yourself and failing and also not a fucking mind reader (because again, you’re ten, and what ten year old isn’t going to fake sleeping in so they can play video games for 8 hours all day instead of doing school?).

My bf says we’ll raise our children differently, but holy fuck man. Like just absolute brain rot from his family sometimes. A kid needs structure and discipline, but also guidance and help.

The thing that makes me angry though is that I have to hear yelling ALL FUCKING DAY. not only does the kid not learn (and I don’t blame him) but their solution is to just raise their voice to get his attention. They talk over top of me constantly. Llle it’s fucking ridiculous. You won’t parent your own kid and then want me to do the hard parts of it?? Like I have shit to do man. I can’t fucking sit here and listen to you yell at him all day because YOU didn’t try hard enough to wake him up. Like fucks sake. Never mind they the poor kid is bored, so then he’ll disrupt ME for an entire day. I can’t get fucking shit done man. I just have my fucking life here, and I can’t catch any slack.

Oh yeah, the reason why he sleeps in? Because he stays up late. Playing video games. Fucking ridiculous man.

[fairlyqualityanon]

Oh dear. I’m not on Tumblr much and don’t really know what’s going on, but from what I’m gleaning, they’re really shitty people. Unfortunately I can’t offer much help on that cause I found it easier to just isolate. I don’t bother trying to talk to anyone nowadays, but I do suggest picking up a hobby. Keeps the brain from fucking with you too much. One physical and one stationary, if that makes sense? For if you’re unable to do the more physical thing (like for me, I can’t do my physical hobby cause my ankle hurts [stairmaster], but I can do my stationary hobby [journaling]).

I’m sorry I can’t offer much. Please don’t hate yourself. Hm, can you block who/what you see on here? If you can, you should be able to block their content. Also I don’t think it’s a manic episode. I could be wrong (probably am), but mania is a heightened desire to do more impulsive stuff, not sleep all the time. If you’re having a hard time sleeping, you might want to look at Valerian root supplements. They smell like feet but help me get to deep sleep in no time.

IDK if any of this made sense or was helpful, so if it didn’t I’m sorry.

train of thought I can’t be bothered to format because nobody cares lol

Oh wow, someone exists that thinks it matters which side of the grass I’m on, let alone believes it should be *this* side? I don’t mean to sound dismissive, but I’m maybe at most 25% joking, and probably much less than that. Every time I decide that maybe the person was telling the truth about “hey you have inherent value” it turns out they just wanted me around to see what they could get out of me / wanted to see how long it took me to figure out they hated me because it gets funnier the longer it goes on.

Why shouldn’t I hate myself? If my only reason for existence is so others can use me, then why shouldn’t I see myself as sub-human trash? I think it’d be easier if they openly hated me, instead of A, not giving a shit or B, thinking I’m stupid enough to believe their “I’m your friend :)” bullshit (which apparently I was). No, blocking a person won’t block people reblogging their stuff, nor those who gush over them with praise. I don’t think you understand how my brain works. I always have multiple levels/trains of thought running. Even if I’m “fully focused” there’s still at least one whirring away in the back of my skull *uncontrolled* - I’ve tried Xanax and marijuana (though not together) and it still keeps on doing its own little thing.Even if I manage to boot up a video game, start a movie, pick up a book, open a document… it’s there, reminding me I’m a disgusting stain on existence and killing myself is only the start of apologizing for ever having been born.And yes, it WAS (still is tbh) a manic episode. I said *want* to sleep, not *can* sleep. Can’t think about killing myself if I’m unconscious. If I can make it to April (that’s a big “if”, couple weeks ago was side-eying my medicine cabinet) I might be glad I didn’t go through with it. Therapist didn’t approve of my “drug abuse” (that’s what he calls my using Xanax and DayQuil, still haven’t told him about the edibles lmao) but he definitely didn’t tell me to stop.

can’t figure out how to make this not sound petty but hey, about the only thing keeping me alive is there’s a couple graves I plan to literally dance on so if ‘petty’ keeps me going then I’m fine with it

[fakevariety]

soft asks to get to know people

what song makes you feel better?

lucy dacus' cover of dancing in the dark by bruce springsteen i love to spin around in my room to that shit

what’s your feel-good movie?

spider-man across the spider verse uggghhhh love that movie sm

what’s your favorite candle scent?

um to be honest i have no idea i think most candle scents are great

what flower would you like to be given?

i should know the answer to this because my godmother is a florist and i spend a lot of time with her but tbh idk much, any flowers make me feel so special

who do you feel most you around?

my best friend, especially on our walks home

say three nice things about yourself (three physical and three non-physical).

oh dear ok this is sweet but hard

1 (physical) - my hair! it's at a great length and a cool color

2 (physical) - um. my calves? LMAO, idk, i have big calves and they make me feel strong?

3 (physical) - i asked my brother because i had no idea and he said my eyes, said they're very noticeable which is very sweet of him and i kind of agree, they are a very pretty brown and they are just like my dad's (i look exactly like my dad fyi)

1 (non-physical) - i am super super loyal, which is good but also sometimes not good because i will stick by someone and put so much effort into a friendship and then i get super hurt when they don't do the same

2 (non-physical) - i am very good at comforting people i think, it's probably because i have therapists for parents but yeah i think i am good at making people feel better

3 (non-physical) - i love that i'm good at writing, it's like my thing and i love it

what color brings you peace?

gray, i love it, it's just a peaceful color

tag someone who make you feel good. 

@enchanting-grom-fright

what calms you down?

music, checking in with my surroundings, just getting in touch with what is actually happening around me so i don't get swept up in my thoughts

what’s something you’re excited for?

the day after christmas because that's when the next percy jackson episode comes out!

what’s your ideal date?

hmm idk. i think it would depend on the person, but for the person i currently like? going to the aquarium and then going home and getting pizza and then watching a movie and having a sleepover. not really a date ig, that's just my fav thing to do with her

how are you?

it's been a rough few weeks, but i think things are getting a bit better again

what’s your comfort food?

matza ball soup, i don't have it often at all but it makes me feel so cozy

favorite feel-good show?

idrk know if this counts as a feel good show, it's just a comedy, but PARKS AND REC!!!! it is so amazing and always make me feel better

for every emoji you get, tag someone and describe them in one word.

idrk what this means so i'm just going to describe my friends in one word (i also only have two of my irl friends on tumblr so not everyone has a tag, just nicknames)

@enchanting-grom-fright - thoughtful

@squ1shydy1ngbubbl3s - inteligent

walk home friend - crazy

chipotle bud - bubbly

baking friend - hilarious

fairy lights or LED lights?

fairy obviously

do you still love stuffed animals?

YES I LOVE THEM SM

most important thing in your life?

my friends

what do you want most in the world right now?

i'm not sure, but the first thing that came to my mind was to get into my dream high school

if you could tell your past self one thing, what would it be?

pay attention to which of your friends actually makes you feel good

what would you say to your future self?

what color is your hair now?

favorite piece of clothing?

my boygenius $20 t-shirt, followed closely by my black jeans

what’s something you do to de-stress?

watch parks and rec

what’s the best personal gift someone could give you (playlist, homemade card, etc.)

customized cd i would love that sm

what movie would you want to live in?

I have no fucking idea

which character would you want to be?

i'm sorry i have no idea ugh

hugs or hand-holding?

both!

morning, afternoon or night?

night

what reminds you of home (doesn’t have to mean house… just things that remind you of the feeling of home)?

listening to the evening radio

[troidatoi]

Day 1 - 8/23/2023

Hi Tumblr!

I had one of you in high school but deleted it after college. I decided to make another just so I have a place to rant and vent about things that make me sad or angry or just things in general. I do journal but I'd like to use it for more positive things and manifestations or whatever. I turned on all the privacy settings so hopefully no one finds this. lmfao. I know all posts are public but I don't really know anyone in my life that has Tumblr anymore. I kind of just needed a place to fucking vent or rant. Today's Kobe's birthday so I'm trying not to be so angry today. (lol, sorry Kobe.) Okay so here goes. I just needed a way to let out my frustrations and so I was like why not Tumblr? I'd mainly be talking about my health and probably my frustrations with life in general.

Growing up, I've always been a big ass kid and you can tell and it showed in my pictures. Been bullied a lot for it from everybody including family. Had a kid threw a rock at me when I was little and said he hated fat people. My parents took me to a weight loss doctor where I cried my eyes out. I guess I always sought food out for comfort. I'm also an only child. I've always wanted to try and better my health but didn't know how, didn't really have the resources or money, and I was constantly surrounded by food. I kind of wish my parents had let me figure out how to do it on my own. I turned into this person with low self esteem, low confidence, hating what I looked like everyday, hanging out with my skinny friends back then was torture for me because I was constantly comparing myself to them (I know they loved me, wished I loved myself as much as they loved me). I hated that I fixated on the way I looked but hey that's what society has programmed us to do. It's easy to be like love yourself blah blah when you're not in the position of constant self hatred. I've tried calorie counting, diets, seeing a nutritionist (which helped a little only to later realized that it wasn't sustainable for me and I developed an eating disorder.) Although I'm pretty sure I've had an eating disorder ever since I was little and now I feel like shit every time I eat food or get scared to eat. I think the only person who I really saw results with and was sustainable was my personal trainer. (Shoutout Michael!) Hopefully, I can come back once I find a job again. (Can someone please fawking hire me already?)

So yeah going on a tangent, apologies! I started running when lockdown hit and I loved it but I also developed hammer toes and it hurt so much to walk and wear shoes. I went to a podiatrist and they were like get orthopedics and I was like okay but they were so expensive even with health insurance and I'm like okay well fuck this so I got surgery and I was so fucking miserable. lmao. I couldn't do anything and didn't leave my bad. It hurt so much to eat that I lost so much weight and I got so sad like crying for days. I realized I needed help if I didn't want k*ll myself so I called the hotline at midnight and it was nice actually. I've heard bad stories but thankfully the person I talked to listened to what I had to say and he brought up the Dodgers. lmao. And he was like maybe I'll see you at a Dodgers' game. I hit up a therapist the next day, a week later hit up a psychiatrist and was prescribed sertraline. (An antidepressant). The weight loss was crazy because I've never been that thin and I wasn't sure how to feel because it was deadass depression weight loss. I was happy with the weight loss but sad about how I lost it. I had so much loose skin that I also decided to do a tummy tuck, skin removal and thigh lift surgery and the recovery was such a pain in the ass but I felt so good and clothes actually fit. I should have probably waited till the next year because I took so much antibiotics that I found out I have leaky gut so I have to stay away from gluten, diary and processed sugar for the time being. (Hopefully cause my gawd I miss eating bread.) I have so much bloating, inflammation, joint pain, brain fog, acne breakouts, tingling sensations, pain on my sides and the list can go on. I went to my primary care doctors and a neurologist and they didn't really help much. Finally went to a holistic doctor and she figured out what was wrong with me and I know it's going to take awhile for everything to heal but I just want to stop feeling like this. (I also had surgery in 2013 to get an ovarian cyst removed and I didn't know I had it because everyone called me fat and they told me the cyst was making me bloated as shit.) I'm trying not to be resentful and look at the past but it's hard because there's so much trauma. Felt like my family didn't love me if I wasn't skinny.

My therapist said I should stop blaming myself but I can't help it. I know things are going to get better and I'm doing my part and putting in my best effort to heal and follow the treatment plan. I know I'm being impatient but for once in my life, I just want to be healthy again and enjoy food without being scared to eat it. Luckily, a healed gut is attainable so I need to keep fighting for it. I know it's going to be worth it in the end. I'm also paying so fucking much for this holistic doctor like I better have the strongest gut in the world and lose 100 pounds so that when I turn to the side no one can see me.

I am also in a lot of credit card debt and I know I'll pay it off once someone hires me but the job market is so fucking hard right now. Probably need to sell feet pics or find a sugar daddy to afford my lifestyle. (lmao jk, kind of) The way I applied to so many jobs the past week and a half is crazy. Just have to trust the Universe and believe and manifest.

Right now, I just really want to focus on healing my gut so I can eat yummy things again, getting a new full time job with higher pay and being surrounded by my loved ones. One of those things where I so badly want things to get better and it feels like no matter how hard I try, things seem to be moving slow. But they're moving, I guess? lmao.

I just want the best for me and it's going to happen because I deserve it and I said so and what I say goes. I hope you try your best to love yourself through this process and to know that things are going to be so amazing for you that you're going to wonder why you felt like this. The setback is stronger than the comeback. Remember that.

And one more time, Happy Birthday, Kobe. I miss and love you 24/8. <3

[slutabed]

grr bark hiss etc

[toytulini]

I just feel like aphobia is constantly treated as a lesser, more minor concern than other things. Like it's still very acceptable on this site to just...ignore it. To not actually give a shit about it. Even on my last post i could feel myself internally dismissing it as a concern because i know its not something people care about, you can see it in the way i tack on things like violent and vicious and hateful aphobia bc i know to a lot of people, its not enough if its just someone laughing at us for being cringey, or making virgin jokes, or reblogging posts where the entire butt of the joke is either a young ace person being cringey and loudly ace OR literally a fucking troll blog run by an aphobe to make fun of us. We might get some ppl giving half a shit about it, when they cross that line from infantalizing us and mocking us for being weird and cringey, (largely still acceptable to the wider tumblr community) to straight up rape apologism or sexual harassment, that maybe crosses a line for some people.

Then again, depends how quippy they word it. Id say,

going onto ace headcanon posts by minors about their favorite characters and describing in graphic, extensive detail, how much that character FUCKS, they love [graphic description of sexual acts] and [more graphic description of sexual acts, sometimes including the most vulgar possible way to reference different genitals being acted upon], counts as sexual harassment. Just because its fandom related and hyperbolic doesnt make it suddenly acceptable, and yet.

Idk its just. Exhausting. The fact that its gotten to me, even, and the way i word things when i talk about it, is especially frustrating. The fact that when i bring up aphobes, i dont feel its sufficient to Just bring up aphobes, i feel the need to specify that im talking about the REALLY hateful ones, the ones that make posts about graphic violence they wish to enact upon us for. Existing. Not bringing up the ones that are just idk mocking us or whatever, because I know people dont care about us enough for that. Thats not a concern. Its really frustrating.

[supercorpsbian]

Entropy (Part 3)

content: slow burn ? but not really , hurt/comfort , eventual romance , wlw , kara x reader , reader needs therapy , reader is very socially anxious lmao

word count: 3,229

pair(s): Kara x Fifth Dimensional Imp!Reader, and all the other canon SG couples (Nia and Brainy, Kelly and Alex, etc)

A/N: I don't have much comment on this lmao, but I jusr wanted to ask if anyone can DM me and explain to me how to enable the Q&A?? Is that what is called?? option so I can take drabble/one shot requests, I'm very new to tumblr and I'm using the mobile app so it's very hard:')

edit; nvm i just figured it out !

part 2 here (the a/n in it will take you to part 1)

After lunch both of you just kept talking as you went back to CatCo, and Kara spent the rest of the day coming around your desk to make small talk or check up on you and your work. Helping you schedule some meetings for Cat since you were confused on whether or not to cancel the lunch appointments with her mother and her therapist if Cat was in a good mood, a situation that Kara knew perfectly.

And after many hours you were all alone in the office doing the last bit of extra work, or at least you thought that Kara had gone home or maybe to attend a Supergirl emergency. You hadn't seen her in a couple hours so you just assumed that.

"Hey, want me to give you a ride home?" She appeared in front of you, almost making you teleport yourself somewhere else, but thankfully you only flinched.

Looking at her you noticed she was wearing the suit, making her muscles look oh so wonderful and her powerful stance just made you feel so small yet so protected just by the sight of her. And you kept trying so hard to not let your gaze stay fixated on the 'House of El' plated on her chest.

"Uhm- It's alright. I can take a bus. Well I usually walk but it's fine." You smiled nervously as you stuffed several documents inside your bag, getting up quickly after closing your laptop and putting it in your bag too.

"Y/n... It's midnight. It's dangerous for you to walk home this late. Let me take you. Also you should consider taking a break sometimes, extra work can be really overwhelming." You furrowed your brows in confusion as your head snapped towards the analogue clock on the wall, gasping as you saw that it was indeed midnight.

"Shit- I'm sorry. You must be so busy especially if you're-"

"It's fine." She interrupted you. "I just stopped a bank robbery and the cops are dealing with the rest. You know I can fly you home in a second, just give me the directions." She smirked while she extended her hand to you, pulling you into a strong embrace as soon as you held her hand in yours. The tall blonde holding you close to her chest by your waist as if you weighed merely a few grams. Then she flew, you noticed she wasn't going as fast as she usually would, assuming it was mostly to not freak you out; which you thanked.

You gave her directions on the go and she looked more and more confused, especially when you two finally arrived. Landing on the rooftop of the building she looked around, making sure no one was there. "I live here." She spoke softly after a few seconds.

"So do I." You admitted, embarrassed, scratching the back of your neck while your gaze averted hers.

"How come I never noticed you around?" She was slightly defensive now.

"I don't know, well, you usually come into the office way later than me and I always stay extra hours or walk around the city when I don't want to get home..."

"I've never heard your voice."

"I don't have anyone to talk to here. I just deal with emails and work stuff." Kara stared at you, and apparently her super hearing was good with your response because she could tell you weren't really lying.

"Let's get you to your apartment then. Sorry if I was mean... Ever since I told the world I'm Supergirl I've been afraid of people trying to come for my home or family..." You just nodded and gave her a soft smile as the two of you walked downstairs to your floor, Kara's eyes bulging out as she noticed you lived literally next door from her.

You laughed awkwardly and the two of you concluded it was all due to your different schedules, so completely not because of you purposely avoiding Kara.

She then offered to give you some leftovers from her dinner, which you gladly accepted because at the moment you just felt both tired and hungry and not in the mood for cooking. She let you go into her apartment as she looked for a Tupperware to give you the food in. You just looked around, your heart beating fast as you saw all the little details of her home, things that you missed seeing on screen after the show ended.

"Here you go. If you need anything you know I've got super hearing." She smiled, handing you the container with leftovers and you thanked her to then leave before the excitement got the best of you.

You just hoped that once it was time to tell her the truth she'd react... Nicely. You knew Kara always wanted to see the best of everyone. But you weren't sure of what good she could see in you.

A thing about Imps was that everyone was spoiled, awful people in general. The only way to humble down an Imp was the typical 'make them say their name backwards', or strip them from their power somehow. You knew you weren't that bad, but you surely had that evilness in your genes. That sense of being able to rule the universe if you desired to do so, even with the current rules around magic. All you had to do was to work smarter, not harder. Nyxly (and Lex) flew too close to the sun, that's why she ended up back in the phantom zone, but when carefully planned an Imp can take over several planets, even galaxies. Although most would conform with a high status and being filthy rich, partying everyday and just straight up humiliating anyone who tries to go against them.

How could you be so different if that's all you've ever known? Watching interdimensional shows was your way of feeling connected to something actually good, but you knew well that many things that would be considered normal back in the fifth dimension are completely immoral or straight up madness in many other dimensions and earths. And although you didn't miss any of it, you did however feel homesick. Just watching everything through your orb all day was way easier than trying to fit in a world where all you could do was lie to be accepted.

You always wished you could've been born in this dimension, maybe that way your life would be not easier, but more enjoyable. Having the power to manipulate pretty much everything made life boring, there was nothing new to discover, nothing new to explore. Magic could definitely be boring.

Sighing you put Kara's Tupperware in the sink and walked to your bed, not even bothering about getting changed. Sleeping still felt weird, having your own memories or random scenarios going through your brain like a movie was just something so... Frightening. Life as a "human" was frightening.

[...]

A few weeks passed by and you were slowly opening up to Kara, mostly about job stuff because that's all you had to talk about, and it felt odd.

Kara kept trying to include you more and more in her friend group, especially since Nia and Brainy also enjoyed your company, and even if you wished to spend all day with them, what stopped you was that Cat suddenly had started overworking you. Giving you too many things at once, which you could usually handle but for some reason she kept pushing it more and more, and every day she got meaner and meaner towards you.

It's not like you haven't experienced meanness ever in your life, but it hurt so deeply, especially since you were so tired and couldn't even use your powers to get everything done within a second. And it just felt like you weren't good enough for the job either way, nor for this life. Maybe Mxyzptlk could help you get back home without being arrested, right?

Right?

You started going on autopilot for that whole week, maybe two? Not even knowing what day or time of the day you were in, all you knew was to schedule meetings in Cat's calendar, edit her articles, make calls, classify documents, attend Carter's PTA meetings, deal with Cat's mother, the list could go on forever.

You didn't even realize you were starting to show symptoms of burnout until you found yourself inside of your bathroom in the middle of the night, sitting on the floor, and the office noise that was in loop in your head finally went away.

Said noise that you didn't even realize was there until it was gone. The voices, the phones ringing, the yelling, the sound of papers getting signed and chairs moving all around the floor: It was all gone, it'd only be just for a few hours, but it was.

And that's when you crumbled. It felt so pathetic to cry in the bathroom like this but you couldn't help it. Everything was too much. Your life, trying to befriend Kara, work, Mxyzptlk, all of it.

At this point you were sobbing loudly, only trying to contain your sobs and whimpers with your own hands as you remembered Kara was probably sleeping and you didn't want to trigger her super hearing.

After a few minutes the door was suddenly kicked open, revealing Kara in a fighting stance in front of it.

"Y/n! Are you okay?" She looked at you and approached you immediately, you couldn't even look at her, feeling guilty for saying yes to all of this.

Kara furrowed her brows when all the response you gave her was just to sob harder.

"I'm tired..." You finally spoke in between hiccups.

"Tired? Is there anything I can do to help you?" She gently rubbed her hand against your shoulder.

"I... I regret coming here... I miss my home and my parents and-" You interrupted yourself by sniffing rather loudly. "I don't want to work anymore but I need the money and I can't go back home and if I did I'd be in trouble and I don't want to be in trouble..." You started rambling and babbling as your crying got even more intense and all Kara could do was hug you, letting you cry on her shoulder although she did not fully understand your situation.

"I'm- Y/n... I'm so sorry, I didn't know you felt like this..." Kara whispered after several minutes of letting you cry while she was completely silent.

After a while you managed to calm yourself down, still hiccuping and sniffling as you got up from the floor with Kara's help. She looked around the bathroom and immediately went for the cabinet under your sink, getting a box of tissues from it.

"H-How did you- Ah, yes... Supervision." You answered your own question as you thanked her and accepted the box, taking one tissue out and blowing your nose with it. You walked out of the bathroom followed by Kara and the two of you sat down on the only couch you had in your living room.

"I feel pathetic... I was fine at home but I got greedy..." You spoke after a few minutes went by, pulling up your legs up to your chest and hugging them to give yourself more comfort.

"You're not pathetic! I don't know your situation completely but... I know you're not pathetic, nor greedy. Sometimes we pursue our dreams blind to the consequences, and that doesn't make us greedy." The blonde gave you a sweet look from her blue eyes and wrapped a hand around your shoulders, pulling you into a hug and holding you close to her chest. "When I decided I wanted to be Supergirl... A part of me would've said no if I knew what I would have to go through to be where I am today..."

"It must've been hard..." You whispered, your mind wondering whether it'd be good to tell her the truth or not at that moment. "I... I don't really want to share the whole story yet. But you could say I'm not... From this country...? Technically? And I'd face legal consequences if I went back home... I got to this place thanks to a family friend who helped me out."

"I promise your secret is safe with me. After all, mine was kept easily with a pair of glasses and a pony tail." She whispered while grabbing you softly by the chin to make you look at her, a precious grin plastered all over her face that made you smile too.

You could've sworn you felt like a magnetic force was pulling you towards her and her beautiful pink tinted lips, your heartbeat speeding up when you noticed she was leaning in too. Both of you caught in the moment until you heard a meow coming from your door.

Gently getting Kara out of your view with a slight push on her shoulder you saw a very skinny black cat with blue eyes at your door.

"Did you break my door?" You asked while carefully approaching the cat that just meowed again and made its way towards you.

"I thought you were in danger." The Kryptonian admitted, giving you a repentant look. "I'll call a locksmith right away. I'll pay for it, don't worry."

The cat started rubbing his whole body on your leg, purring as he apparently liked you.

"Aight..." You picked up the cat in your arms, smiling as he kept purring. "Hello, little fella." You pet the animal with one hand while holding him with your other arm, turning around to face Kara. "Does the landlord allow pets?"

"I don't know... As long as you don't get caught?" She shrugged while approaching you. "He looks like my childhood cat, Streaky." The blonde smiled and petted the cat who rubbed its head against her hand.

"Then his name is Streaky now. Or her name. I think Streaky is pretty gender neutral." You let the cat back onto the floor and went to the fridge to find something to feed him, only finding a can of sardines you have been avoiding to eat, perfect.

You struggled to open the can, even with the easy open, your back facing Kara as she walked up to you, taking the can from your hands and opening it in half a second.

"I can also open jars." She gave you a cocky grin that made you chuckle. Pouring out the contents of the can on a plate that you put on the floor, Streaky ran towards it and ate everything as quickly as his little tummy let him.

"You two can spend the night at my place while the locksmith gets here and fixes the door. I'll make sure no one goes into your house, I promise." You thought about it for a second but accepted quickly, waiting for the cat to finish eating to then take him to Kara's apartment.

You set the cat free inside Kara's home, watching him from the corner of your eye as he seemed to examine the place, finally stopping at the couch to take a nap.

"You're really going to name him Streaky?" The blonde asked shyly while closing her door, she had been outside for a minute since she was calling a local locksmith that she knew worked nights to come fix your front door and the bathroom door too.

"Yeah... If you're okay with it?" You turned to face her, noticing again that beautiful shine in her eyes that you could get lost in.

"Y-Yes! I am, well you can name your cat anything you'd like, it's not my choice-" The taller woman stopped herself when she noticed she had started rambling. "I think it's nice of you to do that."

"I'm just bad at picking names. I had a pet rock once and I named it Brock... Because it rhymes with rock." You admitted embarrassingly, it was one of the few memories you had of your childhood. You didn't like summoning animals since it felt like you were forcing them to be your friends, and your parents never liked animals either way. They would've disappeared any pets you brought home in an instant.

"Really?" She chuckled. "And was he a good boy?" The blonde joked as she sat down on the couch next to Streaky, petting him softly in his sleep.

"The best! I wasn't really allowed to have pets so I got creative. I would paint him with markers to give him little outfits every day. And I'd imagine how it'd be if he was alive..." You sat down next to Kara, the cat sleeping calmly in between the two of you.

"What happened to Brock, did you just grow out of it?" She put her arm on the back of the couch behind you, her body facing you.

"Uhm... Kind of. My dad was pretty strict and one day I got grounded and he threw the rock out the window. After that I just stuck to watching TV all day."

"Oh... I'm sorry about that... Well I know it wasn't like a real pet, but it still had sentimental value." She gave you a sad look while placing her hand on your knee.

"Oh- It's okay, well, I never thought much of it. My dad always said creativity is not useful unless you're smart with it, and I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed, if you get me." You laughed slightly, and when Kara gave you a worried look you noticed it was a cultural shock for the two of you. In the fifth dimension unless you were a man creativity was seen as a weakness. Nothing good would come out of your imagination if you weren't smart enough to use it for your own benefit, and most of those benefits weren't legal for Imp women in the dimension thanks to King Brpxz. Many women would get married out of desperation to travel through dimensions and then send their spouses back with trickery, it became such a big problem that the supreme court had to determine through exhaustive tests whether a couple was allowed to marry or not.

"No! I mean- No disrespect to your father. But creativity is one of the most beautiful things in the world. Also you're very smart, you have been handling Cat flawlessly and that requires a lot of skill and intelligence." Kara held both your hands in hers, giving you a reassuring smile.

"Thank you... I, uh..." Your gaze was shifting between her lips and her eyes at such a quick pace you felt like you were seeing both at the same time. Your confidence to take that leap of faith was nowhere to be seen this time, especially when someone knocked on Kara's door, announcing they were the locksmith and Kara had to get up to explain to them what happened, well not everything but just what the door went through.

Letting out a long sigh you took Streaky in your arms, laying down on the couch as if it were a bed, feeling your body heavy with tiredness. The feline immediately went back to sleeping after a minute, laying on your chest while you pet his back gently. Your eyelids got heavier with each breath you took until you completely surrendered to your tired brain.

[sometimesbeforeitgetsbetter]

Off the Record | Stiles Stilinski

Pairing: Stiles Stilinski x reader

Summary: High school in Beacon Hills, as told through the eyes of one inquisitive journalist who has a knack at getting on Stiles Stilinski's nerves.

Warnings: idk there's like a couple curse words lmao. also, spoilers? if you haven't finished teen wolf I guess??

Word count: 8,227

A/N: hi hi this is my first fic I'm posting on Tumblr (not to say that this is my first fic ever...anyway)! before you start, I just wanna say that there's a couple things that might be off from the show but please just ignore them. like I think it's bs Lydia brings Stiles back and not Scott in 6b so I righted that wrong. but I hope you enjoy and please let me know what you think of it! thanks for reading!!

--

All my life I’ve wondered why people didn’t question what happens in Beacon Hills.

It’s no secret that our town is unusual, but when odd things seemed to happen, people would just turn a blind eye and go about their business.

I, on the other hand, couldn’t let it go. I was inquisitive by nature, and my mom never knew how to answer my questions.

Why do we have so many animal attacks?

What happened to the people that disappeared in the Preserve?

Why did his eyes glow like that?

That last question almost caused my mom to get me a therapist – which probably would’ve helped me regardless – but she just continued to answer with her usual responses.

They just feel threatened by us, dear.

They’re in a better place now.

I’m sure it was nothing – you probably just saw some reflection in his eyes.

But no matter what she told me, I wasn’t satisfied. I knew there was something bigger going on, something my mom couldn’t explain, but I wasn’t sure what. As I got older, however, I realized that if I kept voicing my concerns, I’d be seen as the local crazy person – which, at the time, was the title reserved for my neighbor, Donna Romano, who always went to Town Hall meetings to complain about how some supernatural creatures were traumatizing her dogs every time she took them out at night to urinate.

Out of fear of sounding like Donna, I kept my suspicions to myself. I observed the strange actions of those around me and kept note of the bizarre events that happened in town. I found that it was something I was good at – observing. Always watching, but never voicing my opinions. Eventually, it got the best of me because I grew really quiet at school. But I didn’t mind. I liked being a wallflower.

One day in the fifth grade I saw my mom reading the Beacon Chronicle and I had an epiphany – journalists investigate weird, inexplicable events, so I should be a journalist. Reading the news became my favorite pastime, and by sixth grade I decided I would join the high school newspaper, The Daily Beacon, when I became a freshman. I figured maybe it would give me an outlet to investigate the odd occurrences in the town without looking like a lunatic.

But in sixth grade, I noticed that some of the odd things had stopped happening. There were less animal attacks and disappearances from the Preserve. Some people had even left town, including the last of the Hales, whose house had burned down that same year.

I didn’t give up hope though. I kept my head down and waited for things to get weird again. In the meantime, I wrote for enjoyment. In eighth grade I started shadowing a girl named Anna that was a part of the Daily Beacon, and I started writing articles – album reviews, movie reviews, school news.

Everything was going smoothly until my sophomore year of high school. Suddenly the weird things were happening, and I was sure that there was one person that was at the epicenter of it all – Scott McCall.

--

“...Angela, you’re covering the new faculty; Thomas, you’ve got the new Vegan Support Group club some juniors just created; and y/n, you’re covering lacrosse try-outs,” said Andrew, the editor-in-chief of the Daily Beacon.

I groaned slightly. “Andrew, couldn’t I write something a little bit more...my style? Like what about the one freshman class that boycotted their summer reading and is facing suspension?”

He gave me a slight look. “y/n, you know how important this lacrosse piece is. You know what that sport means to the school. You should be glad I’m giving you this opportunity,” he scolded. “Besides, Marlene is covering that class and is already interviewing their teacher.”

I nodded slowly and tried to refrain from rolling my eyes. I knew that Andrew meant well – he had been like an older brother to me ever since my freshman year – and he was right about the importance of lacrosse. I stayed quiet until he dismissed us, then mentally prepared myself to spend my afternoon watching some jocks exude machismo on a field.

When my last class was over, I walked over to the lacrosse field and found myself a spot on the top of the bleachers. It gave me an excellent vantage point – until a couple girls sat down right in front of me. The redhead I recognized to be Lydia Martin, the school’s resident popular girl. We’d been in class together all our lives, but I couldn’t remember a time she ever talked to me. I’m sure she didn’t even know I existed, just like the majority of the other people in our grade. The other girl, however, I didn’t recognize. I found out her name was Allison by overhearing their conversation. She was new and must have just moved to Beacon Hills.

The shrill sound of Coach’s whistle knocked me out of my thoughts. Tryouts started, and I watched as Scott McCall, a boy from my grade, was nearly knocked out by a lacrosse ball to the face. I winced but wrote down the event in the notebook I had out for documentation.

The next ball that went Scott’s way didn’t hit his face though. He managed to catch it in his goalie net. I couldn’t help but be a bit surprised – like Lydia, I’d known of Scott my whole life though he probably didn’t know me at all. But that meant I knew he was an asthmatic that wasn’t particularly skilled at sports.

“He’s actually pretty good,” I mumbled to myself as Scott continued to catch every ball that came his way.

I didn’t realize how loud I must’ve said it though because at my remark Allison turned around. “I was just thinking the same thing,” she said, obviously surprised. “Do you know him?”

I shook my head and quickly turned my attention to my notebook to write down the surprising turn of events. “Are you writing about this for the school newspaper?” I looked back up at Allison’s question. She was paying attention to me?

“Um, yeah, I am. I’d rather not write about sports, but here I am,” I joked lightly.

She let out a beautiful laugh at my statement. “Well, I’m glad you’re here. I’m Allison, and you are…?”

“y/n,” I answered. “Nice to meet you, Allison.” Suddenly the crowd roared, and I remembered why I was there. Allison, too, smiled and turned her attention back to the game. Lydia hadn’t said a word, but she was focused on watching Scott absolutely demolish Jackson Highmore, who, in my opinion, needed to be knocked down a few pegs anyway.

The more I watched Scott though, I got this weird feeling. He was good – too good. I tried to ignore my feelings and just focus on writing notes for the ridiculous lacrosse piece, which would include the headline: “Sophomore Scott McCall shines at lacrosse tryouts and becomes team co-captain.” But deep down I knew there was something up with him.

A few days later, I was sitting behind Stiles Stilinski, Scott’s best friend, in English class. Even though I’d had nearly all of my classes with him, we never talked. It originally was because I had a minor crush on him and was afraid I’d pass out if I spoke to him, but eventually it just morphed into me not speaking to many people and being convinced he didn’t know of my existence anyway.

But this one day, I was committed to speaking with him. I had to know what was going on, and if there was one person that knew anything about Scott’s new-found lacrosse talent, it was Stiles.

“Hey, Stiles,” I spoke up from behind him.

The brunette turned around, slightly confused but with that soft smile on his face. “Oh, hey, y/n. What’s up?”

I swear my heart stopped beating for a second. He knew my name? He knew who I was? I shook myself out of my thoughts before I went down the rabbit hole of the implications of him knowing me.

“Oh, nothing much. I’m just writing a piece about lacrosse tryouts for the school newspaper and I was just wondering if you had anything to say about it,” I explained.

He tilted his head slightly and shifted in his seat to more fully face me. “Um, yeah sure. I think it’s going to be a great season, especially since we’ve gotten some new leadership. My boy Scott’s co-captain now, so those Devenford Prep guys won’t know what hit them!”

“Speaking of Scott, when did he get so good at lacrosse? Would you say it’s natural talent?” I pressed a bit, hoping he’d say something that would give me a hint as to what was going on.

Stiles’ eyes squinted a little, and his head tilted slightly again. He seemed to be at a loss for words, which was unusual for the fast-talking, sarcastic boy, but he quickly recovered. “It’s definitely...natural...talent. He’s been working extra hard recently to hone his talent and skills so he could bring his A-game to this year’s tryouts.” When he finished speaking, he looked pleased with himself, and I could tell he had let out a small sigh of relief.

What are you hiding?

Though I didn’t know it yet, at that moment my rivalry with Stiles Stilinski began. He and Scott were hiding something, and I was going to find out what it was.

--

“You’re telling me that a girl is in a coma after the school winter formal and you don’t want me to write a story about it?”

Andrew leaned against the desk and crossed his arms. “It’s not that I don’t want you to write it. I just think it’s a tense time right now. The administration is receiving a lot of flack right now because of the winter formal fiasco, and Ms. Blanchard told me that we may want to avoid stirring the pot right now,” he explained. “That is not to say that we abandon our journalistic integrity and commitment to informing the student body, but we just may want to be sensitive to our environment right now.”

I trusted Ms. Blanchard, the faculty sponsor of the Daily Beacon, but not reporting on Lydia’s comatose state felt wrong. She was well-known at school, and students deserved to know the facts of her situation and how it had happened.Well, maybe I was lying to myself by saying that the real reason I wanted to pursue the story wasn’t the fact that something inexplicable had happened at the dance and I had to figure out what it was.

Andrew could sense my disappointment. “Look, maybe for now you can start collecting information and sources, and I’ll talk to Ms. Blanchard. Maybe she can advise us on how best to proceed.”

I threw my arms around Andrew in a quick hug. “Yes, thank you! I promise I’ll be sensitive when asking sources. I know how difficult this must be for the people close to her.”

“I know you will,” he said, chuckling lightly.

With a smile plastered on my face – perhaps a little inappropriately considering the topic I was excited to cover – I left the small newspaper office in search of my first source: Stiles Stilinski. He had been Lydia’s date to the dance, so surely he must know what happened to her, right? “No, I don’t know what happened,” Stiles angrily responded when I cornered him at his locker. “We were separated for a bit because she went looking for someone. When I went looking for her I–” he stopped suddenly, as if choosing his words carefully. He wouldn’t meet my eyes as he spoke.

“The next thing I know, she was at the hospital in a coma. They told me Jackson had found her out on the field when I went to check on her at the hospital,” he explained.

Something wasn’t adding up. “Ok, but where were you the rest of that time? You didn’t go looking for her when you didn’t see her for a while? What about when she had already been checked into the hospital?”

“What is this – an investigation?” Stiles shouted as he slammed his locker shut. I took a step back, eyes wide at the sudden display of aggression. Maybe I pushed too hard, I thought. Stiles rubbed a hand over his face and took a deep breath. “Sorry, I….I didn’t mean it like that. There’s just a lot going on, and my dad has been up my ass about those details too. To be honest, I can’t tell you where I was. The time just flew by and all of a sudden I’d realized I hadn’t seen Lydia for a couple hours. I wish I had been there for her, but there’s nothing I can do for her now other than check up on her.”

Running a hand over his buzzed head, he shot me a forced smile and said “good luck with your article” before walking away.

I was at a loss for words, trying to put the pieces together in my head. Surely he couldn’t have had a part in Lydia’s injury? There’s no way. But his defensiveness was off-putting–

“Hey, y/n!” I was snapped out of my thoughts by Allison approaching me from behind. “What were you talking to Stiles about?”

“Huh? Oh, um, I was just asking him about…” I remembered that the funeral for Allison’s aunt was happening and didn’t want to mention the additional stress of her best friend being comatose, so I opted for a white lie. “Biology homework. I wasn’t really paying attention in class today.”

“Oh, I didn’t realize you two were friends,” she said as she leant against the lockers.

I shook my head violently. “We’re not.” I’d grown too close to Allison for her to not pick up on my feelings though.

“You say that now, but–”

“I have to get to class. See you at lunch, Ally!”

--

Other things that year were weird, but none warranted any further investigation via newspaper article. Sure, I was wondering about Erica Reyes’ sudden transformation into the ultimate baddie, the mysterious deaths of a mechanic and Isaac Lahey’s dad, numerous paralyzations at the Jungle, and a death of someone at a secret rave, but Andrew thought it would be best for the Chronicle and Ledger to cover those bigger events. In fact, the only other unnatural event that happened that I had to cover for the newspaper was Stiles’ unbelievable winning streak at the lacrosse championship. I would have quoted him after the game, but I really didn’t want to speak to him and anyway, he had disappeared for a bit right after the team won.

I could tell that things were happening, but it was all hidden from public view. I even noticed Allison’s behavior fluctuating. The arrival of her grandfather shook things up, and while he gave me a bad feeling, I couldn’t exactly figure out why. Lydia was more troubled than usual after coming back from the hospital even though she tried to act normally. Jackson was going through something and was more angry and aggressive than usual, but I wasn’t close enough to him to ask him if he was okay.

Over the summer, I spent a surprising amount of time with Lydia. Allison spent her summer in France, but she asked me to keep an eye on Lydia to make sure she was okay, especially since Jackson had moved to London during the summer break. I was surprised how much I enjoyed spending time with the redhead, and we hung out when I wasn’t working at my internship at The Beacon Chronicle, which my mom had convinced me to apply for after she noticed how irritated I was that I couldn’t pursue some of the stories I wanted.

By the time Allison came back before the start of school, it felt like Lydia and I had been best friends for the longest time.

“So, Allison, have you talked to Scott at all this summer?” I asked when I was sitting in the backseat of Lydia’s car, Allison in the passenger seat.

She shook her head. “No, I think I still need some time. He...hides things from me and I don’t know if I can trust him.”

I nodded my head, understanding the feeling. I still couldn’t place my finger on what had happened between them or what Scott was involved in. Though I comforted her when I found out they broke up, I didn’t really know why they’d done it.

“What about you, y/n? Have you talked to Stiles at all?” Allison asked, looking back at me in the backseat.

“Why the hell would I talk to Stiles?” I questioned, confused.

She and Lydia shared a small look that I couldn’t decipher before she shrugged her shoulders. “I don’t know, but you guys are more similar than you may think. I don’t know why you guys act like you don’t like each other though.”

The car rolled to a stop at the stop light, and all of a sudden I noticed a familiar baby blue jeep approach next to us. “Speak of the devil,” I mumbled. Lydia and Allison didn’t notice Stiles staring and waving at first, but when they did the car was filled with awkward tension.

The next events were a blur: Lydia running the red light, both cars stopping in the middle of the road, and a deer running straight towards us, nearing killing me in the gap between the front seats. We were shaken, and the boys ran towards us when they saw what happened.

“Are you okay?” Stiles asked Lydia, but he kept looking at me. I nodded slightly and he turned his full attention back to Lydia.

“What was wrong with it?” Allison asked as Scott got closer to the deer.

“It was scared,” he explained. “No, terrified.”

Things got progressively weirder after that. On the first day of school, I interviewed our new English teacher, Ms. Blake. She was nice enough, but it was unfortunate that her class was the one that a whole flock of birds decided to burst through the classroom windows. By the time the police arrived, I was already drafting up a story in my brain: Why are the animals acting weird in Beacon Hills?

I had overheard Stiles talking to Scott about the deer’s weird behavior and the number of deer-related incidents in California, so I swallowed my pride so that I could talk to him and maybe get some stats and information on the whole situation.

I walked up to him when he was sitting alone, texting on his phone. “Hey, Stiles.” “y/n? What’s wrong?” He had genuine concern written on his face.

“I overheard you and Scott talking about deer-related incidents earlier,” I noticed how he tensed up at my statement, “and I was wondering if you could help me with a piece I’m writing? It seems like you know all the stats, so maybe...you could write it with me?” It pained me to finish that sentence, but I figured it might be easier to figure out what was going on if he was helping – especially if he already had inside information.

I think for the first time in his life, the talkative boy was speechless. “I understand if you don’t want to or you’re busy–” I said quickly, trying to give him a way out.

“Yeah, sure.”

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t caught off guard by his response. “W-what?”

He smirked slightly. “Yeah, sure. I’ll help you out with your article, y/n. Collaborate with you, if you will. We can work on it at my house tomorrow afternoon if you want.”

Nodding and agreeing with the plan, I left the chaotic English classroom.

The next afternoon, I felt like I was walking into the lion’s den. Going to Stiles’ house felt foreign, but what was even stranger was seeing him in casual clothes in a comfortable environment.

He answered the door wearing some sweats and a t-shirt, looking more comfortable and confident than I’d ever seen him. “Hey, y/n. Come on in,” he greeted.

I thanked him awkwardly, and we walked to his dining room table to get set up. “Sorry, I need to go grab my notes from my room. Be back in a sec,” Stiles said before leaving me alone in his dining room.

After a moment of silence, Sheriff Stilinski walked in wearing his uniform. “Oh, y/n! What are you doing here?” He had seen me a couple weeks ago in the police station when I was requesting documents for a story for the Chronicle. Though journalists and cops don’t often have a jovial relationship, he said that he liked me because of my commitment to the truth and respectful nature.

“Hey, Sheriff. I’m writing a piece about the animals acting weird, you know, with the deer accident and bird incident, and Stiles said he’d help me since he has a bunch of statistics on deer related car accidents.”

“Stiles is helping you? Well, I’ll be damned.” When he saw the confusion on my face, he rushed to explain himself. “No, not like that. It’s just, you’re all organized and focused, and Stiles is….Stiles.”

I was laughing heartily when the boy himself walked back into the room. “What’s going on, Daddy-o?”

“Nothing, son. Just catching up with y/n here. I’ve got to get to work, but you’re welcome anytime, y/n.” He said before patting Stiles on the shoulder and heading off to work.

Stiles looked over at me oddly when he placed his notes on the table and sat next to me. “Since when are you all buddy-buddy with my dad?”

Shrugging, I said, “Ever since we started grabbing beer every Thursday night while you’re at lacrosse practice.” His jaw dropped slightly, and I laughed again. “No, idiot. We’ve just interacted a lot because of my internship. Now, can we get started on the article?”

--

After the article was published, my next assignment was writing about the track meet a couple weeks later. I found out Allison and Lydia were riding together to the meet, so I tagged along.

Both girls were extremely tense the whole ride, seemingly concerned about something going on in the bus. We were only a few cars behind the bus full of track runners (and lacrosse players who were forced to attend the meet), but the stand-still traffic was a force to be reckoned with.

“Do you think we’re too close?” Allison asked.

“Honey, if you were any closer I think you’d mount the bus,” Lydia said sarcastically. She got a call from Stiles and looked over at Allison. “Hey, Stiles,” she dragged out the ‘hey,’ tension obvious in her voice.

She listened to what he was saying, something clearly wrong. “What do you mean he’s not–” she stopped when she remembered I was in the car, “healing?” She finished the question quietly, probably hoping I wouldn’t hear.

Healing? Is he injured?

“Yeah, ok, just find a way to get Coach to stop. We’ll meet you there.” She hung up and told Allison to pull off at the next stop.

When we got to the rest stop, I could see everyone hurrying to get off the bus. Allison parked the car, and we quickly went to the bathroom where I saw Scott nearly passed out on the floor. “Oh my god, is he okay?”

“Yeah, y/n. He’s fine. At least, he will be,” Stiles responded. He positioned his body in front of me a little bit as if he was trying to block my view of Scott.

I gently pushed him aside so I could see and was shocked to see black blood coming from the injured boy. “What the hell is going on? Why is his blood black?” I ran forward to get closer, kneeling next to Allison.

“It’s nothing. We just need to stitch him up and he’ll be fine.”

“Stiles, don’t fucking lie to me. I can see that he’s obviously not fine.”

“He’s right,” Allison said quietly. “We need to stitch him up. I need something to stitch him together with.” She looked around before remembering something in her bag.

I shook my head. “We need to tell Coach. Take him to a hospital or something.”

“No!” All three of them yelled at me.

It was quiet for a moment, all of us deciding where to go from here. “Just…” Stiles started, “please go and make sure the bus doesn’t leave without us. We’ll handle this.” I got up and slowly made my way to the door.

As I reached for the door, a hand grabbed my wrist. “y/n,” Stiles said, “it’ll make sense someday. Just trust us for now. Trust me,” he pleaded quietly out of earshot of the girls and Scott.

“I do,” I replied quietly, not meeting his eyes, before pulling my hand from his grasp and leaving the bathroom.

That night, we all had to stay at the Motel Glen Capri because of the postponed meet. I didn’t like its energy, and neither did Lydia. “A lot can happen in one night,” she said.

Though it was supposed to be two to a room, I convinced Coach to let me room with Allison and Lydia. Admittedly, Coach didn’t need much convincing because I was saving the school money by doing so. Once we got our room key, we went up to our room on the second floor.

“I’m going to go get a snack from the machine,” I told Lydia once Allison was in the shower.

She nodded. “Sounds good. I’m going to the lobby. There must be something we can do about these towels that reek of nicotine.”

Grabbing a couple one’s from my wallet, I made my way down the hall to the vending machine where I ran into Boyd and Stiles. As I approached, I could hear Stiles trying to talk to an unresponsive Boyd, who subsequently punched a hole through the glass of the machine, grab his snack that the machine refused to give him, and walk away.

“What the hell was that?” I asked Stiles as I walked up next to him.

He shrugged. “I don’t really know, to be honest.” He reached into the machine to grab his snack and tossed one to me as well.

When I got back to my room, a shaken Allison and Lydia were hurriedly talking about something. “Oh, y/n! You’re back. You won’t believe what just happened…” Allison started

She recounted the story of Scott’s bizarre behavior in the bathroom, and Lydia filled me in on the counter that they have at the front desk. “Can you imagine having a counter for the number of suicides that take place in your hotel? Crazy,” Lydia said. Taking her phone out, she sent a quick text to Stiles telling him that we all needed to talk.

We met him in the hallway a couple minutes later. “What was the text for?” Stiles asked when he saw our little gathering.

“There’s something going on with all the…” she looked over at me before continuing, “guys. You know, Scott, Boyd, Isaac, probably Ethan too.” I tried to connect the dots between all of them, but I didn’t really know what they all had in common. Scott and Isaac were both on the lacrosse team, but from what I could tell they didn’t have a particular fondness for each other or Ethan.

“I think someone’s going to die tonight,” Lydia said decisively.

“Why do you think that?” I asked, but it seemed like I was the only one questioning her line of reason.

She shook her head slowly. “I just...have a feeling.” After a moment of silence, she told us about hearing something from the room next to ours through the vent, so we decided to investigate it. Room 217 seemed empty and locked, but all of a sudden we heard the sound of a saw from behind the door.

Stiles busted the door open, and we opened it to find Ethan turning the saw on himself. “Ethan, stop!” I yelled as we ran into the room. Stiles started wrestling him for the saw, but luckily Lydia saw where it was plugged into the wall and unplugged it.

The next thing that happened was completely unexpected to me. Ethan grew fangs and claws, his eyes blazing red. What the fu–

Allison and Lydia rushed forward, wrestling his claws away from his torso where he had been planning on slashing himself. In the struggle he fell on the space heater, which apparently brought him out of whatever state he was in. He ran out of the room soon after. When we tried to question him about what he was doing, he couldn’t answer us. He had been out of control, and it made Allison realize we were forgetting someone.

“Where’s Scott?” She asked suddenly. When no one could answer, we all decided to split up – I’d go with Allison to look for Scott while Stiles and Lydia went to find Boyd and Isaac.

Scott wasn’t in his room. Allison and I ran all over the motel, looking in every crevice. At last, we decided to check the school bus, and that’s where we saw him. Standing drenched in gasoline, a flare lit up in his hand.

“Scott…” I approached quietly, careful to not make any sudden movements.

It was then that Stiles and Lydia joined us. I watched as Stiles walked into the gasoline, my breath catching in my throat as he nearly sacrificed himself. Scott was talking, but I didn’t really understand what it meant. He said that his life was better before the bite.

Stiles eventually talked Scott down, but the flare rolled into the gasoline. Luckily, Lydia was able to make sure we had all gotten out of the way. I’d ended up next to Stiles on the ground, and though we made eye contact, no words were spoken.

We spent the night in the bus because none of us could bear the thought of spending another second in that cursed place. Coach woke us up in the morning, definitely thinking the worst about what we may have gotten ourselves into, but whatever he was thinking wouldn’t possibly compare to reality. What was reality? I couldn’t have really told you at that point. I didn’t understand what we’d just lived through.

Before the other students started loading onto the bus, Stiles slid into the empty space next to me. “y/n, you know that all of this,” he made a grand gesture to Scott and the others as well as the motel, “is off the record. You can’t tell anyone about this. About what happened.” I held eye contact with him for a moment before nodding. “I wouldn’t tell anyone. To be honest, I don’t even really know what I would tell people, but I wouldn’t.” He nodded, a sad smile on his face as he looked down and fidgeted with his hands. “But Stiles,” I said as he looked back up at me. “Please help me understand it all. You can trust me, I promise, I just want to understand. I want to help.”

With a deep sigh, Stiles nodded once more. “Okay. I’ll tell you everything.”

--

When Stiles said he’d fill me in on everything, I didn’t realize he meant everything. I couldn’t believe how oblivious I had been to everything that had happened in the past year. Sure, I knew something weird was going on, but how was I supposed to know it was supernatural?

Finding out that my little corner of the world, little old Beacon Hills, California, had werewolves (and a kanima, pack of alphas, and whatever the hell a Darach was) was a lot to process. It was unbelievable, but Stiles helped me believe it.

I could tell that he didn’t fully trust me though. There was something in the way he looked at me that told me he was wondering when I would be done with my source acquisition and I’d write the next big exposé: Supernatural Beacon Hills: How Werewolves Have Been Hiding In Plain Sight. I didn’t know how to assure him that I was on their side and wouldn’t expose their secrets.

As the year progressed, things simultaneously made more sense and less sense. To defeat the Darach, we had to perform a sacrifice for the parents that had abducted, and Deaton – the veterinarian that had taken care of every family pet we’d ever had – told me I had to hold Stiles down during it. He said we had some sort of connection, but I guess that’s what mutual loathing does to people.

In the end, we won. We beat the Darach, the alpha of the alphas Deucalion left, and Scott became an alpha himself. But it was still just the beginning.

--

The sacrifice did something to Scott, Stiles, and Allison that we didn’t fully understand. Deaton said they left a door open, which only made it harder for Stiles to trust me because he could barely trust himself.

Knowing about the supernatural didn’t preclude my other responsibilities though. I still wrote for the Daily Beacon, much to Stiles’ displeasure, but I enjoyed it. So, on the first day of school I interviewed our newest faculty member – Mr. Yukimura. He and his family had just moved from New York, and his daughter Kira was in our grade. She was nice, but shy, so I invited her to have lunch with us.

Surprisingly, Kira jumped right into the conversation at lunch by mentioning bardo, the Buddhist concept of being in an in-between state.

After lunch, I caught up with Allison to walk to our next class. “Hey, Allison, could I ask you a favor?”

“Of course! What’s up?”

“Well, I don’t really know how to ask this but...I need help learning to defend myself, I guess? It’s just that I’m going to be helping you guys now, and I actually want to be helpful, so I want to protect myself so you guys don’t have to worry about me,” I admitted.

Allison smiled softly. “I’d love to help.” I returned her smile, suddenly giddy, yet nervous. “But, I think you should know that my...aim...has been off since the sacrifice.”

I could hear the disappointment in her voice. “Nonsense, I’m sure that you’re still the best shot in this school.” She shook her head. “It’s never been this bad.”

Touching her arm lightly, I gave her a reassuring smile. “We’ll figure it out together.”

A few days later, I was surprised when I was paid a visit by both Scott and Stiles while I was sitting in the library. “To what do I owe this pleasure, boys?”

“We need your help.” I perked up at Scott’s statement. “We’re trying to solve the Tate case, you know, the one where Malia Tate disappeared all those years ago after that car accident, and we could use your help tracking her down.” He looked over at Stiles and nudged him with his elbow.

“And, you can write a piece about it. Not including all the details, if what we think happened is true, but you can still write something factual,” Stiles said, still displeased that I was writing for the newspaper.

To annoy Stiles, I acted like I was really thinking about it for a minute, but then laughed lightly. “Yeah, I’ll help you guys. Where do we start?”

--

Pull yourself together, y/n. You’re a journalist. You’re supposed to report on tragedy all the time. Be objective.

I took a deep breath and wrote the first line for what would be the cover story of the next Daily Beacon issue.

Junior Allison Argent, 17, died in an unfortunate carjacking incident last fall.

Before I could write any more, I got a phone call from Stiles.

Oh, thank god. “Stiles?”

“Do you want to come with us to Mexico?” He blurted out.

I couldn’t help the laugh that bubbled from my chest. “What? Mexico? Why? When–”

“Tomorrow.”

“Stiles, are you insane? Even if I wanted to, there’s no way my parents would ever let me go.”

“We’re all telling our parents we’re going camping, if that helps at all,” he said with what seemed like a hint of disappointment in his voice.

I was quiet for a minute, but my mind was already made up. “Why? And who exactly is going?”

“Scott, Lydia, Kira, Malia, and I have to visit some hunters and see what they know about Derek being missing.”

As soon as he mentioned Malia, my mouth started curling into a frown. It’s not that I disliked the werecoyote, it’s just that she and Stiles had been pretty full on since they hooked up at Eichen and started dating. I wasn’t jealous – though I’m sure Lydia would argue otherwise since she’s convinced I like him or something – just...weirded out by their relationship.

I sighed. “I want to help, but I really can’t tomorrow. School starts back up in a couple days, and I need to finish this elegy for Allison and come up with a bunch of assignments for the staff writers…” I trailed off, thinking about all that I had to do before the coming week.

“Oh yeah, I forgot. Ms. Editor-in-chief over here has a life outside of us,” Stiles joked.

Andrew graduated at the end of last year and left his glittering empire to me, though suddenly I felt overwhelmed at the prospect of running a newspaper while being way too involved in the town’s supernatural endeavors. It didn’t bother me last semester, but after Allison…

“I’ll just see you guys when you get back, okay?” I told Stiles. He made an unintelligible noise of agreement. “And try not to let anyone get killed.” “Yes, mom,” Stiles said sarcastically. I could almost hear the smirk in his voice.

When the pack got back, I was surprised by the events that had taken place. “What do you mean it’s a young version of Derek?”

A few days later, I had to cover the spring lacrosse tryouts. Though I wanted to assign it to someone else, I had to do it myself because everyone was busy with the assignments I had given them.

To my surprise, a new freshman, Liam Dunbar, showed everyone up at tryouts – even Scott. I took note of how he seemed almost athletically superior to everyone, and I wondered if he was supernatural.

“He’s human, I’m sure of it,” Scott said as he came up next to where I was sitting on the bleachers, scaring me out of my mind in the process.

“Jeez, Scott. A little warning next time would be nice. But how do you know?”

He shrugged. “I can just tell. He’s just a really great athlete.”

“He’s going to be a great pain in my ass, I can tell,” Stiles said, sidling up next to Scott.

I took note of their reactions, writing down Scott’s comment – about being a great athlete, not human – to consider while writing my piece.

“Oh no, don’t tell me you’re writing a story about him,” Stiles groaned.

“You know I have to write one about the tryouts, and he just happens to be the star player of today,” I told him. “Sorry, Scott.”

Scott waved me off, but Stiles was still upset about the situation. “No, don’t give him the ego boost! He’s already a little shit, and an article about him would make it worse.”

Taking a break from my note-taking, I looked over at the brown-haired boy. “Stiles, have you even talked to him?”

He looked at a loss for words. “N-not really...but I can see his arrogance from a mile away!”

I rolled my eyes. “Well then, if you’d excuse me, I’m going to write up a fantastic story about a talented up-and-coming lacrosse player.”

The article became the next issue’s front page, but I almost wished I hadn’t given him as much attention when Scott turned him into his beta.

The rest of the year didn’t go as planned either, but isn’t junior year supposed to be everyone’s worst year?

As much as I liked helping out with the supernatural problems Scott and the rest of the pack were having, it was hard knowing about what was going on and not being able to write about it, especially when all of the mysterious killings started up. We eventually found out about the deadpool, but I could write about a kill list of Beacon Hills’ resident supernaturals, could I?

At the end of the year, I finally had to make the trip to Mexico with the rest of the pack. “Stiles, I’m going. You can’t stop me!” I attempted to open the passenger door of the jeep when he reached out and shut it from behind me.

“No, it’s going to be dangerous. We don’t even really know what we’re facing,” he tried reasoning with me. “I can protect myself,” I said, thinking of the training that Allison had given me. “Besides, I can’t just sit by and wait for you guys to come back. I need to try helping Scott.”

Realizing that I wasn’t going to back down, Stiles removed his hand from the side of the door and opened it for me. I nodded a quick thanks as I hopped into the vehicle.

I wasn’t expecting to fight Scott that day, but we all did in order to return him from his Berserker form. At the end of the fight, I had a few cuts and bruises, but nothing I couldn’t deal with.

As Derek drove away with Braedan, I could feel that things were changing. “I can’t write about any of this, can I?” I asked somewhat jokingly.

“Off the record,” Stiles replied from where he stood next to me.

--

“Stiles, what’s wrong?”

“Oh thank god, you remember me!” He said as he grabbed my hands. He’d been running down the hall frantically when I saw him.

I looked at him with concern on my face. “Yeah, of course I remember you? Why wouldn’t I–”

“y/n, it’s the Hunt. The Ghost Riders. I saw them, and now they’re coming for me.” He was breathing heavily, eyes sweeping the surroundings for signs of the Ghost Riders. His eyes locked on something to his left, but when I looked, I couldn’t see anything. “They’re here. We have to go,” he said, pulling me towards the parking lot. We got into his jeep, but he didn’t start the car. “Stiles, what are you doing?”

“It’s too late.” I could see the look of grief on his face. “No, don’t say that. It’s not–”

“It’s the truth,” he cut me off, turning to look at me. “Promise me you won’t forget.”

I shook my head. “I won’t. But Stiles, I can’t do this without you,” I could feel a tear escaping my eye and slipping down my cheek, my emotions getting the better of me.

Stiles reached forward and wiped the tear away before placing his hand on my cheek. “What do you mean? You’re one of the smartest, most inquisitive people I know. If I had to trust anyone to find a way to stop the Ghost Riders, it would be you.”

I couldn’t help but smile at his honesty. “Yeah right. Lydia will probably figure it out before me.”

He shook his head. “You can do it. I trust you.” I could tell there was more he wanted to say, but he turned to look at something through the window over his shoulder. “Can I tell you something? Off the record.”

I couldn’t help the laugh that escaped my mouth. “Yes, of course. What is it?”

He took a deep breath. “I don’t hate you. I know it may seem like I’ve never trusted you or that I don’t care about you, but it’s actually the opposite. I...really really like you,” he admitted.

I was stunned. Stiles likes me? He was searching my face for any indication of feelings as I sat there silently.

“Oh, shit,” Stiles mumbled. “Ok, forget I said that. Well, you won’t need to forget when you forget me in a minute–”

I cut off his rambling by placing my lips on his. They were warm and familiar, as if they were made for mine. “I like you too,” I mumbled when I disconnected, my eyes still closed from the interaction.

But when I opened them, I was alone in the baby blue jeep.

--

All semester, I’d felt that something was missing, but I couldn’t figure out what it was. Or who it was.

But after months of searching for it, we finally figured it out. Lydia had gone into a banshee trance to discover the word “Stiles,” and it brought back vague memories for me when I heard it. The feeling of soft flannel. A sarcastic laugh. Red string around my finger. A hefty wooden baseball bat.

The collection of memories made sense when we all finally got our memories back and remembered the person we were missing from our lives.

We traced the trail of clues to the sewers, where Scott tried to bring back Stiles because of their brotherly love for one another. I thought it would work, but the portal closed and Stiles hadn’t appeared. Come on, Stiles. Where are you?

We had to fight the Ghost Riders off, making sure they didn’t turn our beloved Beacon Hills into another ghost town. I’d run into the high school, looking for something to use as a weapon when I ran into someone in the hall. A tall, brown-haired figure wearing a flannel shirt. “Stiles?”

He turned, and smiles emerged on both of our faces. I broke into a run again, right into his arms. “I can’t believe you’re here. You’re really here.” I mumbled, the sound muffled against his shirt.

“I knew you could do it,” he said.

I pulled back slightly and looked up at his face, suddenly nervous. “That night in the jeep...did you hear what I told you before you disappeared?”

A soft smile rested on his face. “Of course I did. It was the one thing that kept me going, especially when I was stuck with Peter.”

“Peter Hale? Why the hell were you with Peter Hale?”

Stiles shook his head. “We can go over that later. For now, there’s one thing I’ve been wanting to do.” I was a little confused, but I understood once he leaned in and connected our lips.

This is what I’d been missing, and I was never going to let it go again.

--

I watched from afar as Stiles gave his trusty baseball bat to Mason, who didn’t seem to appreciate the hunk of wood.

“Have you told him yet?” Lydia asked as she appeared next to me.

I shook my head. “We haven’t really had time to talk about that stuff. I think he doesn’t really want to think about it just yet and what that might mean for us.”

She nudged me with her elbow, silently telling me to go over there and talk to him. Rolling my eyes, I walked towards the familiar blue jeep and familiar mess of brown hair.

Liam and Mason had already walked away, and Scott and Stiles were standing and talking at the jeep’s trunk. “Hey, y/n. I’m just heading out, but I’ll see you guys later,” Scott said as I came up and Stiles threw his arm around me.

We waved as Scott left, and Stiles pulled me closer. “Hey,” he said, looking down at me with an affectionate expression.

I pulled him over so we could sit in the open trunk. “We need to talk.” I could see the panic flare up in his eyes.

“Oh, um, okay? Is everything okay?”

Chuckling lightly, I nodded. “Yeah, we just haven’t talked about college at all,” I explained.

His head dropped. “Yeah, I know. I just don’t want it to ruin what we have here, and I don’t even know what life will be like outside of Beacon Hills, and I feel like we just got together and now–”

“Stiles,” I cut him off. “I’m going to GW too.”

His eyes widened at my confession. “You...you’re going to GW?”

I nodded, a small smile on my lips. “I committed a while ago. I’m going to study journalism there.”

I watched as a smile spread across his face. Then, it was replaced by a quick smirk. “Oh great, you’re following me there, huh? I just can’t seem to get rid of you.”

I shrugged. “What can I say? I’m going to need someone to give me the inside scoop on the FBI’s antics.”

He looked pensive for a moment. “I think what you’re describing is illegal.”

“Not if it’s in the public’s interest. But maybe it just needs to be off the record,” I admitted. Stiles laughed. “Oh, it’s definitely going to be off the record.”

[queerdesire]

September 30, 2022

It's been a minute since my last update.

What have I accomplished this week? Well I drove for the first time in the dark last night and honestly I think I smiled all the way home. I'm getting so much more comfortable driving and it's starting to feel so fucking good. I'm hoping to have my license by the end of the year. Driving is not as scary and anxious as I always imagined. I'm proud of myself for this.

Let's see what else am I proud of? Oh! I have paid all my bills but two, both are due on the 6th so not late but I'll probably do it right now as all the other payments should of went through. I'ma be a broke ass bitch but it feels so fucking good to be able to pay everyone time.

I also deleted some girls number! She's been semi dicking me around for a month, and I let her >.< She was the one who hit me up and was interested and wanted to go on a date. I was going with the flow of it. Started out texting strong and things like that but then it became 8 separate times of excuses. Like we were not anything where a conversation of her no longer interested would of been perfectly okay. I even said as much during excuse number 6 lmao. But deleting her phone number and not replying back to her bs felt good. And then my toxic side may have left her on Snapchat 🙈🤡, I don't look at her snaps but she has replied to three of my hot story ones since I've deleted her number and ignore last excuse text and it feels kinda good to be like yeah I'm hot and you missed out. Even if it's in my head and even if that may be a bit toxic lol regardless I'm glad I was able to be like I'm done, and it was okay that it took me a month 😭 because I still was able to stop the pattern instead of continue the pattern of letting ppl use me like that.

I've had two therapy sessions now, the first session I felt hella guilty leaving and the second one I felt like I was on a good high. I was given therapy homework though and I haven't accomplished it :( and I don't think I will before Tuesday. I'm supposed to go out with someone and do something out of my comfort zone. The issue with this assignment is I'm scared to ask ppl to hang out that I wouldn't normally cuz that fear of the rejection and I guess that's the whole point. I did ask a girl one hinge if she wanted to hangout in person and I didn't get a reply so I'ma go with that as my assignment completed lmfao. Oooh and in therapy my therapist at one point said "I'm seeing a pattern here do you?" And I didn't so hopefully I will see the pattern she spoke of with the more sessions I have as she didn't tell me lmao.

Hmm what else? Oh completely over my ex! Well for the most part. Obviously I'll always wish it would be different but I've come with terms that she will never want to be friends and I haven't looked at her socials so much so that I missed her bday lol so that felt like a win. Only looked at her socials the last few days. But to be honest I think I'm using Tumblr as a distraction 😅 I'm not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing tho.

Let's see what else...oh the new job is going very well! Last night it felt so easy, I think I asked someone one question and I remembered to bring silly things like the pizza stand, app plates, pepper mill, instead of forgetting until last minute. Oh and a coworker has now started to play with my hair and honestly makes me feel a bit loved, as touch is my love language. She's super sweet. Also last night one of the "favorites" told me I was, "the better new servers" and that I am a "hard worker" my cocky ass knew this, my cocky ass knew i would be but I can't say that :P I'm playing a political game here. But I said thank you lol oh and I was sitting next to some girls and they included me in conversation and one was like yeah when deena first met me she told me she thought I was gonna be a bitch 😅😂. So then everyone wanted to know what I thought about them. One of the girls was like did you think I was gonna be mean? And I told her yes I said "we didn't speak until Sunday!! So yes I thought you were going to be mean but you're very nice." Turns out she told me she's shy and I 100% can see that. I did not tell any of them that I think all pretty girls are going to be mean because they are hot lmao

I don't think anything else happened this week that is note worthy. I havent cried or felt hopeless in awhile and that is a wonderful feeling. I honestly think that has to do with therapy tho.

My period is very late and I'm pregnant jk jk jk 😂 but it is late af. That bitch needs to get here.

OOOH I REMEMBERED SOMETHING. One of my best guy friends works at my new job, he is why I went there. And a different coworker came up to me and was like "do you know Sean talks about you alot?" "I think he likes you" etc etc. And I was dying absolutely trying not to laugh because Sean is such a homie, I would say brother but we playfully flirt sometimes to hype the other up so what ever that makes him. But I had to explain to the coworker that Sean is a close friend, my homie is how I think I worded it. The dude was so small minded though and wouldn't stop and I was like I'm extremely gay and Sean knows this so there isn't anything between us. (I think it's because Sean and I hug at work) because the kid still didn't let it go. I went over to Sean immediately after and him and I got a huge laugh. Sean also said he had never even spoke to the dude before lmfao so I'm real confused but find it amusing nonetheless.