#I saw them last time but never met the
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I’m so nervous about meeting Dan and Phil tomorrow, like I’m never this nervous what is wrong with me 😭
#dan howell#phil lester#Dan and Phil#maybe it’s because I’ve liked them both since 2011 and they meant a lot to me as teen#like I remember wanting to meet them so bad#I saw them last time but never met the#them#also the meet and greet stresses me out with the signing of an item which I haven’t picked and I want a selfie but I also want someone to#record me meeting them idk I know it’ll be fine but I just want the stress of it to be over lol#anyways I’m excited 🥹
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people love an "i'll take care of you" "it's rotten work" "not to me, not if it's you" character dynamic until the character who needs to be taken care of is disabled. then it's supposedly fucked up and toxic for a person to have to take care of someone else.
#eliot posts#this is continuing off that last post i reblogged#that time i was like ''aw tumblr is out of new posts for this character i like. reddit is empty too. lemme check twitter''#BIG MISTAKE#i had to see the hot take of#''it's fucked up to ship this because character A had to be character B's caretaker. that's basically slavery.''#LIKE BRUH???#have you. ever met a couple where one of them is disabled and needs a caretaker? bc that's a very real thing that happens and it's not toxi#honestly usually the risk in those situations is the power the caretaker nay have over their disabled partner#but that imbalance can be properly navigated#and is not a concern in these two characters' case bc there is a very clear mutual respect there#caregiver fatigue is a real problem too of course but that's ALSO something that can be successfully navigated#and in these particular characters' case doesn't seem like it would be an issue because like#character b also has professional caretakers who will likely continue to be part of his life if needed#(and the money to hire more if not)#like it's okay to not like the ship#maybe the age gap of someone in their 20s w someone in the equivalent of their 30s squicks you out#maybe you monogamously ship one or both of them w someone else#maybe you think their dynamic is way more interesting from a platonic angle than from a romantic one#maybe you just aren't interested in their dynamic#those are all fair points! i'm not even ride or die for that ship myself#but jesus fucking christ you don't gotta be ableist about it#oh or the equally bad take i saw on there of#''character a could never be attracted to character b. he just sees char b as a sick dying old dog that he needs to take care of''#like no! character a clearly respects and values character b! they are friends! the issue is just that YOU see character b as a dying dog.
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amyeleven fivenyssa crossover
#the three people who would like to read this get excited and then get disappointed because i never finish anything#but the thing about fivenyssa is that she's his daughter#and it's supremely fucked up#and the thing about amyeleven is that she's his Everything and it's supremely fucked up#and also she's the one who asked the doctor if he's a father and well. she'd get it the second she saw nyssa#i know that line was SUPPOSED to be about susan and susan's hypothetical parents but in my heart it's about nyssa of traken#and the thing about eleven and nyssa is that they'd have extremely deep and intimate conversation about being the last of their kind#she's probably the only person in the universe that he could talk about it truly openly with and it'd be like.#nyssa I'm so sorry i never fully understood you. i couldn't. i do now#and she'd be so SAD about it because she never ever wanted that for him#she never WANTED him to understand her like that because the only way he ever could was to go through the same thing#and nyssa would never consider that price to be worth it#but now she knows it's going to happen and she can never tell her own doctor#and it's devastating devastating but also deeply healing for them both but especially eleven#....#and the thing about amy & five is that she'd know him. of course she would. she'd Believe he's the doctor and Understand about regeneration#and immediately tell him about the first time she met Her raggedy Doctor and he'd be like. you shouldn't be telling me this but#he'd be stunned and captivated by the amount of love and also possesiveness in her voice and wouldn't be able to bring himself to stop her#and she'd see straight through him and make him feel naked and raw and at the end she'd hug him goodbye and kiss him on the forehead#the way eleven does her because he's a CHILD to amy compared to eleven and he can't hide that#and the thing about eleven and five is that they'd each be deeply ashamed of the other#and finally#the thing about amy and nyssa is that they'd make out sloppy style#.....#............#voices offscreen:#'i can't believe you called her my daughter and then made out with her'#'yeah and how many times have you made out with my daughter what's your point'#lavender thoughts#dw
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having a bad memory is what it is but it's scary when your memories of people you were close to are far less clear than they used to be
#it's been only almost 2 years since i last saw her but i just had a moment of. i cant remember my mom.#i mean i can but. i was looking at her ig (i have an old account i dont use where i still follow her) and i cant just#think up any memories of her#i saw a picture of her smiling and realized i had forgotten what that looks like#i saw her petting goats (her favorite animal as she used to take care of them with her grandma as a child)#and i realized seeing goats doesnt make me think of her as my first thought#well thats a bit different but yknow#i cant remember the details of anyones face but shes my mom. i saw her almost every day for a long time.#its hard for me to imagine her voice#i know if i met her it would all be familiar and a lot of memories would come back but right now everything is so vague#i think its like. an adhd person object permanence thing mixed with something else#anyways its kinda scary#also im. having a kind of a hard time with my mom stuff as christmas gets closer. i miss her.#she wasnt a perfect mom but we were super close and we still would be if i had just stayed a girl#i shouldnt say that its not my fault. we would still be close if she wasnt so transphobic.#and yea shes kind of an unpleasant person but she was a good mom and did so much more than anyone would have dared to hope and#i had a very good childhood where i felt loved#wheres that post about someones adult dad being like you never grow out of needing your mom#idk i. i miss her.#i was watching tv today and there was this woman having a chat with her kids and it was such a pleasant normal conversation and#she listened to them in a specific way like. one of the kids was scared of taking the bus somewhere by themself bc they didnt know when to#leave it and the other was like ''well i did that on a train'' and the mom was like ''yeah but just because i have done something doesnt#mean its the same for others'' or something like thag which. yeah! normal but also oh my fucking god#some people are like. good parents on a different level. you KNOW theyre going to raise well adjusted kids#anyways#despite me feeling like that and acomplaining about my mom a lot i dont think i hate her#i have very mixed feelings#and its okay to feel so but i feel bad complaininh sometimes bc i dont want people to think it was all bad#nd my mom doess deserve credit on some aspects of my childhood. like i had such bad adhd (undiagnosed) but she managed it so fucking well#leevi talks
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/3.11.24
#it’s incredible how i feel tired just by the thought of swiping peoples profiles on a friend/meet app#like I really have to force myself#I forced myself to say to a girl I saw in july if she wanted to meet and she couldn’t back then and now I’m like okay I tried it I’m#I whine to myself I’m lonely yet looking for people is not a thing I fancy#I am convinced the people who would matter wouldn’t be found like this anyway#but chances of meeting people are 0#still clinging on to this person I met at the only friends of friend group thing which is almost sci -fi for me#despite I probably shouldn’t#and on top ov everything I always mess everything up because I can’t communicate well what I feel or actually I don’t really know that anywa#colleague added to me to a chat group pf expats here it doesn’t look exciting but I imagined that#I should see a high school mate after xmas#i am genuinely glad about it#although I am kinda thinking I should probably pretend it’s all fine#last time was..2020 which feels like yesterday but is 4 years ago#Jesus cjrist#maybe I should still reply to that girl who gave me depression but her and the sister were quite into me#asked like in may if i wanted to hang out and do creative stuff (3rd time#and I had told myself after the second time which was also major depression time and winter#blues#that I was done with it although always pretending it was fun#but god I was getting depression from them#would take pics of us where I think I never forced a smile more than that time#and my policy is just b clear and polite#but I swear I don’t have energies to just text and say sorry we don’t match
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whats worse than having only like 1-5 friends?
having only that many friends and you talk to only 1 more than once every two months!
#absolute traumadump in tags!#ive never had a friend where im as important to them as they are to me#for most of my life ive had one or none friends at any given time#attaching myself desperately to anyone who could tolerate me without constant insults#my 4 (3 now i guess) friends all have people they can turn to if they lose one to three people#i have no one#ive never had anyone that was a friend that i didnt either distance myself from so i wouldnt end up over attached#or attach myself to.#my best friend all through elementary constantly let people interrupt our conversations and i was her least favourite friend#i once briefly had a mutual bestie#who then turned around and didnt let me have other friends or acquaintences at all#i still stayed by his side! for years!!!#he kept me isolated after he moved past me even.#my support system is exclusively online at this point#i regain two friends!#now they talk to eachother daily and im lucky if they message me more than three times a year#im trying#at least one of them seemed happy to see me last time i saw them#the other hasnt even paid attention to me in one on one conversations#and all i have is them and two people i met here#and im scared its my fault#am i just a bad friend?#am i just like *him?*#am i somehow worse#i miss having more than these frienfs#even if the others threatened to hit me and constantly called me selfish at least they were there sometimes#i know people get busy but.#months where they messaged others while ignoring me?#what did i do wrong? where did i fuck up? ill fix myself ill hide myself just. please talk to me. please. its so lonely out here.
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thinking abt all of my missed connections and romantic relationships that never got off the ground.....
#the nonbinary person i met when i was visiting my friend at college#and we hung out together a bunch that whole week and held hands and cuddled and shit#but i was 18y/o and didn't know how to interact w people and i never saw them again after that visit#also they were pretty masc presenting and i was prehrt so everyone who saw us perceived us as a cishet couple which made me feel awful#or the coworker that i had that im p sure had a huge crush on me#and we went on what may or may not have been a date once#and she gave me a bunch of jewelry and cool rocks for my bday#but after i quit that job we never talked again#or the nonbinary person i met at rosh hashana services last year#who i talked about horror movies w a bunch and even ended up getting their number#but then i got anxious and took too long to message them and then it just felt like it would be awkward if i suddenly did out of the blue#or the way that every time i join a dating app as soon as i start talking w someone and either hitting it off or they start flirting w me#i get overwhelmed and delete the app#whyyy am i like this OTL#yapping
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I've been datin' someone and they dumped me this morning and honestly I'm so relieved 'cause now I don't gotta breakup w/ them
#like everything was cool i liked 'em but I was def way too anxious to be in a relationship w/ them. They're just so fucking hot and cool!!!#The anxiety is probably derived from having been in so many toxic relationships tbh like I really felt like I was walking on eggshells-#the whole time I was datin' this person n it's not like they were doin anything to make me feel that way!! If we disagreed about somethin'-#minor it wasn't a big deal it was just w/e which I wasn't used to T^T#I saw the breakup comin' though like it just felt like that was the natural of the relationship!! I saw it from the beginnin if im honest#like when we met I recognized we wanted different things out of life and relationships. Now I'm wondering I was wasting their time?#I don't think so like I gave it a good 'ol college they took me out I took them out we had fun and we ended on really good terms I feel#We hung out for a few hours after we split and just had a good time in general thrifting and talkin' it was super chill#I've just been oh so thrilled 'cause I almost never get dumped!! I forgot that this wasn't the first time someone said we should be friends#The last time was 13 years ago back in middleschool!! I guess I've been ghosted in the past but is that really the same thing?#Everything's comin' up Esther
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Starting dating on a small fairly close knit college campus is weird. I have never felt more Observed.
#yesterday a woman who is on staff here and is helping organize the grad banquet walked up to me and asked me if i want to be at a table#with The Boy for the banquet. because somehow she knows???#last night i was waiting outside dorms for The Boy because we were gonna go for a walk#and apparently two guys saw me#went into dorms and met The Boy on his way out#and were like 'she's waiting for you'#i have never spoken to them.#how do they Know???#i am so perceived. idk how i feel about it#like im generally aware of who is dating who etc on campus because like. you just know. you see people spend time together. you can tell.#but it's so so so weird from this side of it
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two things:
if you are a doctor and someone is meeting with you to talk about the pain they are in and have been in for years and years and how it has destroyed their quality of life with a diagnosis from another doctor and a physical therapist and you say "sometimes people are just in pain" you are going to hell forever and
motherfucker do you think you can brush me off and make me not bother following up. do you think you can dissuade me? i had to get fucking 4 different top surgery letters from 4 different therapists. i am a fucking persistence hunter and i will get what i need from you out of sheer spite
#also had to play the fun game of was i being talked down to bc i a#am trans#or because the doctor saw me as a woman#added coda is the last doctor i met with in the same hospital used my correct name#and asked for my pronouns#this guy never asked and didnt use my correct name either#really gotta get that legally changed but also#thanks for proving systemic transphobia is the problem#like theres testosterone listed as one of my meds#i dont even know if he looked at my file#and its like oh you want to do this? because like#im absolutely going to the PT and telling them you said and i quote#she didnt know as much as a doctor#even tho shes been my PT for a year and a half#i will absolutely raise a fuss and if i have to ill make a Formal Complaint#but i have an appointment in a month. i am willing to wait.#i will just be sharpening my metaphorical knives the entire time
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I MADE MORE FRIENDS . !!
#yesterday and today aaaaaa :) i thought i was gonna be miserable but no#yesterday i arrived at drawing class and i thought the girls from last time [3 weeks ago] barely remembered me/were annoyed by me. but no#i arrived at class [packed w like 70 ppl who all dont know each other] and they scream MY NAME :D [greetinf]#like right as i stepped into the class they were in the middle of it#so i say hi to them and also these two guys who i rly like that i had met before starting class while on a trip w friends who i was hoping#i could talk to. well we all sit outside clas to work together so we talk a lot and its really cool and i love them already!#and today i was scared bc i knew only 1 girl from design class [ok actually 3 more hut 1 is more like a classmate thing and the other 2 we#talked once and i dont remember their names] b i arrived and didnt see her so i sat alone scared then i saw her and went over to her table#n i made friends with her friends theyr really cool! especially this one guy i sat next to we talked a lot it seems like we are similar#and in the other 2 theoric clases i know this 2 girls that i also shar drawing with and theyre both really sweet so its cool!#bad thing is that all of them are in diff careers than me [graphic design architecture and textile design] i havent mer anyone from mine#[<- image and sound design]#so im scared next year ill know no one again! but atill im so happy en#yesterday was so fun with these guys#and like one of the guys i knew when i met him i was like waow hes so cool i wish we could be friends but ill prob never see himagain#AND THEN I SAHRE A CLASS W HIM . i though maybe hed be annoyed but no he made conversation asked me questions + asked be to b in his group#anyway the teacher separated ghe groups and made them themselves but eitherway! hes so cool and weird. and the girls are great too like#super kind and sweet and it wa svery fun#spikeposting
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NEW CRUSH NEW CRUSH NEW CRUSH NEW CRUSH NEW CRUSH NEW CRUSH THEY BLEW ME A KISS LAST NIGHT AS THEY WERE WALKING OUT THE DOOR AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
#diary#well not new new crush per se#I met them at some random party thst I was only at by accident this one time in dec#and then we saw eachother at this event in feb and it was like omg hey it's u!!!#started convos that never got finished bc ya kno#there was a lot going on at the event and i had best friend duties#and then i went to a poetry event last night anf she was there anf she told me she liked my poem and gave me lil cheek kiss and#bc everyone was writing feedback on lil scraps of paper and then putting them in paper bags for everyone who read#she told me at one point 'i wrote u a lil love note' AHHHWEHHHEWHJWFE#AND THEN THERE WAS A FLIRTY MOMENT WITH ME AND THEM FLIRTING ON THE COUCH AJSNENIUDAWUINUIWA#AND at one point all these ppl came over to talk to me and say they liked my poem#at the same moment as that#she got pulled away by some ppl to a diff convo#and when i had had a bunch of exchanges with all these cute humans and was like now alone on the couch#I went over and gave her tHIS LOOK#AND IMMEDIATLEY SHE DITCHED THAT GROUP THAT SHE HAD SAT DOWN AT AND CAME BACK TO THE COUCH TO CONTINUE CHATTING WITH ME EEEE AWDAHBAUYBDWAYG#and then after a few moments of chatting and me giving her my number (I DON'T HAVE THEY NUMBER YET THO BC RELYING ON THEM 2 SEND ME A TEXT A#they were so kind and considerate and let me know they needed to leave soon and that they were gonna start doing the goodbye rounds and like#'i give u ur goodbye hug now'#so it waS A WHOLE ASS MOMENT WHEN THEY WALKED OUTTA THE DOOR AND BLEW ME A KISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS EHBEFWHJQWDBDWBIUWBIUDWIUDWBKDWBKWDBKDWBKWBKD#so also i learnt the other month that theyr lowkey famous hahahahahaha#the second time i ran into them i was talking to a friend after the event and was all 'omg who was that cutie who rode in by bike etc'#and said friend was like omg they're a well known cutie and proceeded to show me ttheir insta#i followed immidiatkey and they didn't follow me back HAHA#but last night they initiated the insta thing and i was like 'shIT I already fOLLOW THEM' - briefly considered unfollowing them so then#so then i could 'follow them back'#but then I was like yolo why should i play pretend#but nOWWWWW#big connundrum#i don't have their number but I DOOOO have their insta
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feeling extra lonely tonight
#tryign to make friends at work is hard esp when u hardly see each other bc schedule/dept conflicts#havent seen this guy im trying to ask out in like a week and a half and last i saw him we talked like 2 minutes bc we were both on the clock#n the other friend im making i usually just see at the tail end of my shift cuz they start later#n now that im working books i just dont see anyone. periodt#im not the kind to abandon my post to visit a dept i have no business in so its always like. well i sure hope we see each other !#MIGHT see one tomo if im lucky im gonna try to make conversation for more than 2 min this time wish me luck#if i dont see him i wont for like . another week#maybe longer#what was my personal tag again#''but marrow you can make friends in places that arent work'' thats so much HARDER#and ive tried. maybe not enough times but it sucks cuz most ppl just dont really pique my interest#too many times there have been ppl at work i have been interested in getting to know but i wasnt proactive enough abt interacting w them#and then they stop working there and its like whelp never seeing them again#so im trying to be more forward and active when i like someone. its fucking HARD but its working i think. maybe#''marrow what abt those opportunities youve had to hang out with new ppl that were enjoyable''#well thank you for asking dear voice in my head; those ppl i met were nice but they were not really ppl i was interested in knowing. ty#i am just an unlovable little prick surrounded by equally unlovable people
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oh i love how mlp s4 started out i really did love twilicorn actually. castle mane-ia is such a silly episode i love how the show went from awkward bits of not knowing exactly what it wanted to be to embracing itself and taking something previously mentioned offhandedly and turning it into a whole Thing
#talking#like i love how everyone in ponyville just accepts that they live next to a haunted forest w an old ass castle buried deep within#when aj tells dash granny smith told her a scary story abt the castle. idk thats so cute#Babe my grandma practically founded this town theres creepy shit down here.#rares taking flutters to find tapestries she heard were in there. i love them#also the animation got nicer and nicer!!! like the animators got more comfortable and knew what to do as the show went on#the lighting and bgs are super nice here especially#this is all kinda reminding me of my brother and i's adventure time rewatch from last summer#esp since adventure time rly was just doing an entire yes-and'ing improv bit the whole time and ended up being an insane story#mlp was more planned out but like im remembering this thing i saw someone say once#where the whole simon ice king thing came from ice king knowing a marceline song despite them never having met at that point in the show#AKA!!!! i miss longrunning shows that became cultural icons and changed the game for all of history.#bring that shit back#EDIT I FORGOT I WANTED TO ADD THIS:#cmon girls its a nice summer day it's time to explore this creepy ass castle!!!!!!!!!!
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see you.
#everyone blamed me for leaving my husband two weeks after his mother died#especially because she had loved me so much#but I left because she died#i was so ill and exhausted from working myself to the bone that I couldn't keep sitting up at her funeral#and I kept thinking 'this is how she died'#even after her second stroke these morons didnt know how to take over her work so she could rest#and because she did it uncomplainingly and stubbornly because she couldn't watch her house fall apart#no one noticed how sick she was getting#that day she asked my FIL to come home immediately bc she wasnt feeling well#was the only time I ever heard her put herself ahead of anyone else#six weeks of terrible torment in the ICU later she was gone#she was the kindest most loving and selfless person I had ever met#i watched them close the casket blind with fatigue and pain#and realized this is how she died#giving her everything to shitheads who never even saw how she struggled#i realized i didn't want that to happen to me#so i left#and they all cut me off#but maybe that was my MIL's last gift to me#a wake up call to value myself and my labour#because no one else would give me the care i denied myself#life is too precious to try and see yourself through the eyes of people who refuse to see you#"it is death to make yourself a thing without needs''#mental health
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I miss you
#V mourning#(fair warning these tags are a full-on vent so read at your own discretion)#maybe reading a fanfic centered on twins wasn't my best idea#I miss you#I miss you so fucking much#just. come back. come back. crawl out of your fucking grave and come back.#I know you wouldn't want to#but you told me not to follow you#so you'd have to be the one to return#you're so cruel. come back.#I met [redacted] again for the first time in nearly a decade#she didn't ask about you#I was bracing myself for the question the whole time and it never came#I wonder if she knew. if she'd heard. if she'd read your obituary in the paper#I saw [redacted] in person for the first time in like 2 years also#the last time I heard his voice was over the phone when I told him you died#my coworkers ask about my family. I lie to them.#“I have an older brother”. I have two. one is my fucking twin and he's fucking dead
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