#I really hope you get what I mean sometimes I feel like I'm talking nonsense

[karamazovposting]

On Ivan and bipolar disorder (part three)

This is my favorite part of this whole thing. I haven't written it yet, that's literally the opening line, but here I'll be talking about one of the most interesting (to me) aspects of Ivan's character: how the other characters perceive him; I already know I'll be having a blast writing this. Internal vs external perception is probably my favorite topic when it comes to character study, so I was thinking of doing something similar for Dmitri as well in the future because I noticed some things that I want to talk about. I'll think about it.

For once I don't have to make an introduction where I explain what I'll be going over in this because there's none to be made, so let's start from the beginning. The first time we see Ivan is when they're all waiting for Dmitri at the beginning of the book, and what does he do? He takes the piss out of everyone, of course. And I think that in everything that happens there and in the following passages (I was particularly struck by Father Zosima's words about him, which I've already mentioned in here) we pretty much have the key to Ivan's character, and he doesn't even give it to us himself (very fitting indeed). The first thing we find out is that Alyosha is afraid Ivan will be condescending towards the monks and while Ivan technically isn't, he still adopts a subtly mocking tone with them, which checks out considering that Miusov says Ivan feigns arrogance to mask his own insecurity. Also it's very telling that Ivan's demeanor changes when it comes to Zosima, I feel like he actually does respect him and to some extent appreciates his words. Funnily enough I've found myself in a similar situation in the past (atheist surrounded by nuns, my family was there, they told me some things I appreciated; I wasn't making fun of anyone though I swear) so I get it.

Speaking of words, there are many used for him in those chapters, and there are even more as the novel goes on, brushstroke after brushstroke painting a rather confusing and contradictory picture of this young man: he's bright yet insecure and "a tomb", he's weird and a misunderstood outcast in his own family yet he's charming (said by multiple characters in multiple occasions, I think it's the word that's used the most to describe him) and refined, yet again eccentric. He's paradoxical and a riddle (another word used multiple times), and his own father fears him more than he fears the son who almost beat him to death and at first I couldn't understand why, considering everyone else's opinion of Ivan and the fact that Ivan actually helped get Dmitri off of their father when he was beating him, but then I went back to Book Two and stumbled upon a line that managed to completely go over my head in the past (how could that happen? God, the horror!) that does explain a lot and looking back now, to me feels like one of the most important lines (about Ivan) of the whole novel:

What seemed to [Aleksej] strangest of all was that his brother Ivan, [...] who alone had such influence on his father that he could have stopped him [...]

I don't think I need to explain why I think this line (that you can find in The old buffoon for context) is crucial so I won't say much about it, but it also explains why Ivan's presence in the Karamazov household is seen as a guarantee for quiet and order (as stated during Dmitri's trial, and we also see it in the fact that both Dmitri and Pavel had in mind to murder Fyodor only if Ivan had been out of the picture, though for different reasons), and honestly it surprised me: I mean, Ivan's influence over other people plays a very important role in the story, but him having influence over his father? Fyodor Pavlovich Karamazov? Wow. Also I have something else to say about the quiet and order thing but it belongs in part four.

The rest of that line is also interesting in my opinion:

[...] [Ivan] sat now quite unmoved, with downcast eyes, apparently waiting with interest to see how it would end, as though he had nothing to do with it.

This, maybe trivial, line never really left my head, which means it must mean something to me. Maybe because that behaviour fits Ivan's character so well and I always like when he gets to act like a normal, unbothered, and even childish at times, twenty-three year old (he's not even angry there, what a rare occurrence) and because according to how the other characters speak of him, it feels unexpected (and turned out to be useful for this post).

Back to how others speak of him, someone (Fyodor I think) goes as far as saying that maybe Ivan deliberately seeks torment, which honestly feels a little too familiar to me and that's why that's another line I can't seem to get out of my head; when people have such a high opinion of you they do tend to blame your own struggle on you, at least in my experience, as it's their only way of rationalizing it. You should be better than that, you should be smarter than that. But you're not, so maybe you actually want it; why would such a brilliant person be like that otherwise? You're not allowed to be "weak" and I think Ivan is a perfect example of this as he has internalized this concept, but I'll go over it in part four.

But what does all this have to do with bipolar disorder? I'm getting there, but you'll have to bear with me because this whole thing gets quite intricated at this point and I have to be as clear as I can (and I can't, ever), so let's take a seemingly nonsensical step back to see the bigger picture.

None of the brothers are stupid: Dmitri is naive, impulsive and uneducated, sure, but the narrator does describe him as a fairly intelligent man in spite of it, Pavel was basically a child prodigy and a very smart young adult (and maybe I should talk about it sometime because everyone in the novel considers him to be capable but stupid and there's only one person who explicitly recognizes his intelligence in a genuine way apart from the narrator, guess who), and Aleksej, while also uneducated, isn't stupid either. But there is a particular emphasis put on Ivan's intelligence and it's hard to find a paragraph where he is present or where someone else is talking about him that doesn't mention it. Ivan is bright, Ivan is educated, Ivan is an academic. It's pretty much the first thing the other characters think of when thinking about him, it's almost some sort of morbid fixation. And it's not a positive thing either as it does nothing but feed into his insecurities and Pavel even uses it against him by telling him how intelligent he is over and over until he officially loses it. Ivan is smart to the point of being charming and admired, but that turns out to be a double-edged sword (of course) because everyone puts him on a pedestral and higher the pedestral, deadlier the fall, as we see in the second half of the novel. In my opinion the only one who seems to view him as a human being and not as some sort of ghost or higher, detached entity (apart from Zosima) is Alyosha; Dmitri considers Ivan to be better than everyone else including himself, Smerdyakov is...well, Smerdyakov, his father's attitude towards him is basically I don't understand what's up with him and I don't really care (in addition to what I said a few paragraphs ago) and even Katya is charmed by him more than she loves him, at least at first. Everyone else doesn't even really know him and that's partially his own fault, but I can't blame him.

Why do I consider this bipolar coding? To make it short, intelligent people are often considered charismatic and many psychiatric studies suggest that there's a link between bipolar disorder and high intelligence (which to me personally kind of feels like a consolation prize, like nature saying hey, you'll hate being alive but at least you're not an idiot!, thanks a lot I guess) and it's also worth mentioning that bipolar disorder is linked to creativity as well since Ivan has come up with multiple poems over the years, which means he must be a creative person to a certain degree. I haven't been citing my sources because this is not an academic paper and I'm just some guy on Tumblr who doesn't even study psychiatry and just happens to be basically cursed, but there's a book about this topic that I want to mention: Touched with Fire: Manic-Depressive Illness and the Artistic Temperament by American psychiatrist Kay Redfield Jamison; I've also read her (very relatable) autobiography and I'm a big fan of hers since she knows what she's talking about even more than the average psychiatrist because she has bipolar disorder herself. For anecdotal evidence, I keep a mental list of historical figures and artists (including contemporaries/celebrities who are still alive) diagnosed with bipolar disorder (so if you ever want to know if someone has/had it hit me up I guess) that I won't include here for obvious reasons, but let me just say that the doctors who did the aforementioned studies do seem to have a point (and I'm an artist myself). I want to make clear that I'm not trying to play into the overused, boring, inaccurate, and generally uncomfortable (for me at least) mentally ill tormented genius trope/stereotype and that it's obviously not what Dostoevsky was going for either; it's just that I've personally had people fixate on my intellect my whole life (not to mention the general weird fascination the average person has for mental illness and mentally ill people as well) and seeing Ivan go through that same experience combined with the studies I just mentioned made this association inevitable for me. Also people seem to find you more fun and charming when you're manic/hypomanic (only when you're the "right" kind of manic/hypomanic of course, when you're experiencing dysphoric mania/hypomania people just become ableist because that's the "wrong" kind of mania/hypomania, duh) which is...uhm...I don't really know how to feel about it honestly, but it's a fact so I'm mentioning it.

But what came first, Ivan's self-isolation or people's misunderstanding of him as a person? Is it the former that caused the latter or the other way around? To me this feels like having to talk about the good old chicken and egg dilemma and I still haven't figured it out in relation to myself, so I guess this will remain unanswered for now (or forever). But what I do know is that bipolar disorder is a lonely experience, no matter how hard someone tries to not make it lonely; people just don't get it even if you explain yourself a thousand times over and over. It doesn't mean you don't have relationships with others, it just means you know you have to keep some things to yourself sometimes and you get used to it, which seems to be Ivan's case too; to me the best example of it is when he's just about to tell Alyosha about the devil but stops himself from doing so and decides to push him away instead. In my opinion it's also connected to his inability to show "weakness" that I already mentioned and that is often one of the core experiences of living with bipolar disorder, but I won't go over that now. I'll just say the problem when it comes to Ivan is that everyone (the readers, the other characters, even himself) gets tangled in a net of performance; living with bipolar disorder feels like having to constantly keep up a certain kind of act (that I wouldn't even know how to explain) in front of others due to the stigma, and I'm pretty sure that's the case with every neurodivergence and invisible disability (bipolar disorder is in fact a disability and I'm legally disabled, that's why I mentioned ableism earlier). Ivan knows what people think and expect of him (we've seen it in his first real interaction with Alyosha and I've already talked about it in part two) and we see few moments when he goes mask off, and apart from those moments his facial expressions are always described as being forced or "off" in some other way. One thing that struck me is the significant contrast between what Mrs. Khokhlakova in particular says about him and how we actually see him behave when he doesn't bother with his forced coldness and collectedness (usually by himself or around his family): she talks about how refined and chivalrious he is multiple times because that's the side of him she sees (and almost everyone else sees), yet he's the character who swears the most (I don't know if "swearing" is the right term as in the novel there are no actual curse words in the modern sense but he doesn't really speak kindly does he); his language is even worse than Dmitri's. I'm not saying that being polite in public/formal settings and swearing like a sailor in private/informal settings is something unusual because I'm also like that (as I'm afraid you might have noticed, sorry for all the swearing!), I just wanted to point that out because to me it seems important in general and relevant for this post.

This doesn't mean I think of Ivan as a fake person because I would have to have that same opinion of myself and I don't, it's quite hard to explain if you haven't lived the bipolar experience first-hand or don't really know what masking is and I hope you'll understand what I'm trying to say here; it's just that he hides and polishes some parts of himself due to a combination of childhood emotional neglect, mental illness, and a personality that's difficult on its own (but really, when you have a disorder like this one it's quite hard to tell what's personality and what's mental illness, especially because at times they're one and the same; it shapes you and sometimes you can't even do anything about it and to me it's no surprise Ivan's sense of self is as warped as it is), all factors that contribute to his partially self-inflicted isolation. I mean, he does say himself to Alyosha that at first he kept him at a distance on purpose and you can also find a glimpse of that in his own philosophy: he openly says that he loves humanity but dislikes humans. He can only show affection from afar and I think that also reflects in the situation with Pavel and in Ivan's own guilt: I don't think Ivan lacks empathy (quite the opposite), he just doesn't have the tools to do anything with it. Could he really have done something? He says he would have if Pavel had explicitly told him to stay in their father's house (here the conversation shifts on the physical aspect of things as Ivan now feels guilty for also being physically distant from his family and not only emotionally), but Ivan's words are never really reliable. How can we expect someone who's incapable of getting close to people to help them? Even when trying to help Dmitri escape prison he's still rough with him. There's a reason why his thing with Katya is a mess as well and he refuses to admit that he loves her (he even says to Alyosha that he doesn't like her and he's with her only to prevent a catastrophe at Mitya's trial, which are later stated to be lies by the narrator): he always tries to convert his feelings into reason, otherwise his whole façade crumbles.

I also want to mention Ippolit Kirillovič's words about him at the trial because they seem very important to me, but only very briefly because first, many things he says have already been talked about in my other posts and second, it seems a little unfair to leave the other members of the family out because Ippolit Kirillovič says many interesting things about all of them; maybe I'll make a post about that in the future. Basically, Ippolit Kirillovič doesn't particularly like Ivan because he got the better of him in a couple public arguments they had in the past (very funny to me by the way), but he still prefaces his criticism of him by talking about his positive qualities (once again, his vigorous intellect and brilliant education) and saying he was welcome in their community (but not in the same way Dmitri was). This is yet another case of me not knowing where I'm going with this, but this particular instance stood out to me so it was worth mentioning; I think it summarizes the other characters' attitude towards Ivan quite well, but I can't really explain it.

Another thing that I noticed is that no one ever calls him by a nickname, not even Alyosha. I wrote a post about the use of names and nicknames in The Brothers Karamazov months ago but I hated the way it turned out because I felt like I wasn't making any sense so I decided to throw the whole thing away and I don't even know if I should try writing it again. Anyway, it's very interesting to me that pretty much everyone is referred to by a nickname (even Rakitin of all people) except for Ivan; not even Alyosha calls him anything other than his name (and if I remember correctly not even Katya, who talks to Ivan using the informal you, does). Actually, there are a couple instances where this does happen and that drives me even more insane because the first one happens at the beginning of the novel, when his father calls him Vanya a few times only to never do it again (and honestly Ivan didn't seem to like that either), and the second one is Rakitin mockingly referring to him as Vanechka when talking about him to Aleksej (because of course he'd never call Ivan that to his face and I also have a feeling he'd get decked if he tried). I don't really know where I'm going with this (again) but I wanted to throw it in anyway because it always stood out to me considering the only main characters that are never referred to like that are Fyodor, Ivan, and Smerdyakov and well, there seem to be implications here. In the aforementioned deleted post I wrote about this topic I mentioned sense of belonging (Mitya belongs there after all) and affection/connection (everyone loves Alyosha) in opposition to being excluded (Smerdyakov is not a legitimate son) and being unable to connect with others (Ivan is an outcast due to the multiple reasons I went over in the previous paragraphs). Maybe I really should try writing it again.

Well, I think I'm done for now. I found it a little hard to separate the themes of part three from the ones of part four, because the latter will focus on Ivan's self-perception (among what happens from Book Eleven to the epilogue and other, more "medical", things) but we see how he perceives himself through the devil but the devil is not an actual real person in the book so I couldn't really include that here and in my mind the themes of these two parts kind of blended together so I had to to figure out where to break them apart.

This took longer than usual (which bothers me but oh well) because I had to take a break from pretty much everything (which is why lately many posts have been queued) for a while due to the February-March period always being whacky for me bipolar-wise, mostly because of the seasonal change (something that plays a huge role in this shitshow of a disorder and something I'll go over in part four because surprise surprise) that always makes me mentally and physically tired. All of this, which can be summarized with bipolar disorder bipolar disordering, to say that I hope this part isn't as messy as it seems to me and that I hope you can't tell I wrote it during a time I wasn't getting enough sleep (I swear I did my best given the circumstances), and if I "disappear" or interact less from time to time it's usually because of this kind of stuff. I'm still not getting enough sleep by the way so I might take a break from serious posts again, I love that daylight savings time happens during one of the worst seasonal changes of the whole year for me every year and it doesn't mess with my disorder at all.

It sure didn't help that I chose to make part three more complicated than the others thinking it wouldn't go in a completely different direction than I had originally planned and wouldn't therefore have to reorganize my thoughts during a period I simply couldn't do so; I will obviously be punished for my hubris. But until then I'll be working on part four (and some other unfinished stuff I have in my drafts and have no idea when I'll post), which will be the last part of my bipolar Ivan Karamazov essay.

[pomefioredove]

So idk if I'm requesting in the right place. But I would love a twst scenario with a yuu that just says all their intrusive thoughts. Like just out of NOWHERE, as they reach for a water bottle hanging out with the first years they go.

“I robbed a house back home”

Or when Azul tries cornering them with the twins for something they just blankly turn to Floyd going.

“duck off you look like you can't steer a shopping cart”

But feel free to do it with whoever you want and if you don't want to do mine that's perfectly fine and I hope you have a great day :)

certainly!!

summary: reader who speaks all their impulsive thoughts type of post: headcanons characters: heartslabyul, octavinelle, scarabia, diasomnia additional info: platonic or romantic, reader isn't specified to be yuu, reader is gender neutral author's note: for some reason I had the hardest time thinking up new nonsense, so many of these dialogue lines are from lewis carroll poems, which I have a wonderful nostalgia for. check those out as well!

Ace and Deuce are pretty much used to you saying whatever's at the top of your mind... with no filter

so used to it that it barely even registers with them anymore

whenever it's quiet, they can expect you to come out with some incomprehensible nonsense.

if you didn't, they'd probably ask what's wrong

"I robbed a house back home,"

"Yeah, okay,"

Riddle, on the other hand, gets frustrated alarmingly fast

despite running an entire dorm based on nonsensical rules, he has a low tolerance for outside nonsense

and... well, despite his name, he's not really a fan of riddles

Trey matches your energy immediately

no joke. he doesn't even bat an eye

"I eat plastic,"

"hm. sometimes I eat muffin wrappers,"

honestly, sometimes his tangents get even weirder than yours

Cater probably wasn't listening very closely when you first started going off, or maybe he's just become accustomed to riddles, though the next time you say something he just thinks it's cute

might use your "thoughtful anecdotes" as a caption for his next post

would it be surprising if I were to say Azul is used to randomness?

Floyd has a tendency to say the strangest things out of nowhere, after all, and the sea itself can be a surprising place

he does not, however, appreciate how you keep speaking in tongues when he's trying to have serious business conversations with you

(seriously, how hard can it be to swindle one person?!)

"Please, just talk normally,"

"But the mome raths outgrabe!"

he doesn't know what that means, but it sounds like an insult

...and then will refuse to converse with you again until you're in a "better mood" (in his own words)

Jade, on the other hand, finds you quite fascinating

he keeps a little notepad on him just to jot down the things you say. why? you can't imagine. he just finds it interesting, you suppose

"'Twas brilling..."

"Really? How interesting. Go on,"

Floyd isn't really paying much attention

your funny words amuse him at best and annoy him at worse

if you ever find yourself in a bad place with the octotrio, you can just say something like:

"You look like you can't steer a shopping cart,"

and Floyd will take actual offense to that, and just straight up leave

(much to Azul's dismay)

Kalim adds on right away

and keeps going

and keeps going... and keeps going...

"How doth the little crocodile improve his shining tail..."

"Oh, I know! He pours waters on every shining scale,"

at one point Jamil has to pull you aside and beg you not to encourage him

"No promises!" is your answer

Kalim even buys a parrot to add onto the fun

it becomes a three-person (or two-person-and-a-bird?) act

...even if you're not really doing it on purpose

Jamil is who ends up taking care of the parrot while it squawks your old nonsense thoughts, though

he likes the parrot much better than either of you

Malleus will entertain you based on his own curiosity

none of his other human classmates speak in such odd and puzzling words, so he knows it's a "you" thing

might try to solve them if they sound like riddles

but he mostly just thinks they're cute

"O, oysters, come and walk with us,"

"How interesting... I do wonder where you come up with all this,"

Sebek will listen to you because Malleus does, and Silver has enough nonsense to deal with as it is. will definitely fall asleep while you're talking to him

Lilia responds in like terms

meow at him? he'll meow back

in fact, he'll meow at you every time he sees you until you say something else to capture his curiosity

might go ahead and start speaking to you in tongues before you even say anything

he just thinks you're neat!

[diagonal-queen]

Uuuuuuh, an idea has just arrive on my mind🤭 you know that boys usually tease girls they like right? I’m really curious how Tachihara and tecchou would do it… (I’m really curious for tecchou😭)

Teasing their crush

♡ pairing: Tecchou Suehiro, Tachihara Michizou, Dazai Osamu, Fyodor Dostoyevsky x fem!Reader

♡ synopsis: How do these boys tease the girl that they like (that's you!)?

♡ cw: Swearing, Jouno suffers a lot, Fyodor is toxic as always, mention of suicide, I somehow manage to bring Astarion up here?? (sorry)

note: i know i know. it's been a while, and i apologise. i just have been so so busy. right now i'm in an exhausted trance writing this and i'm certain i'll wake up tomorrow with no recollection of writing it at all. also threw in dazai and fyodor for the sillies i hope you don't miiind~ as always apologies for errors and i hope you enjoy x

Tecchou:

I cannot see him teasing you.

I'm sorry anon but I just can't see him teasing a girl he likes. He would either be generally nice to her, super awkward but still okay, or just come off as cold and aloof. He wouldn't go out of his way to tease a girl or exchange playful banter with her

If he ever tried to tease he would probably just straight up be mean and insult you or something. And then he wouldn't understand why it didn't work

(Jouno is smacking his head against the wall)

Don't worry. If he's gonna cope with his feelings for you he's gonna do it in a way that benefits you i.e. he's just going to be super obvious about it and not even try to hide it

(update: Jouno is still smacking his head against the wall. someone help him)

Like he'll just openly buy you food and presents and tell you he likes you and like hold your hand and shit?? Tecchou is no-nonsense. He wants to date you, he'll let you know.

And it's not like Tecchou's trying any 'techniques' or anything like that. There is not a THOUGHT behind those beautiful eyes; he's just following his heart <3

Tecchou might be a bit dense when it comes to such socially complicated things as courting, but he's a genuine person and wants to make you feel appreciated, and let you know he loves you. He just does it in the only ways he knows how <3

Tachihara:

The opposite of Tecchou

He's such a teaser. He likes to make jokes with and poke fun at his love interests, but sometimes might go a bit too far with it (If he does he genuinely feels super bad and apologises dw T-T)

Like he's one of those kinds of guys who you would get so caught up in the flirty banter with that you just talk for hours

If you're texting you guys are both kicking your legs and squealing in between texts lowkey, like you're secretly such lovesick dorks but you play it so cool

Some kaguya sama love is war type shit you guys have going on

And god forbid you do this in front of other people. They're probably SO uncomfortable. Like oh my god get a room already (this dot point was ghostwritten by Jouno)

As you two get more and more into it, he becomes less tease-flirty and more sweet-flirty. He genuinely compliments you instead of exchanging little jabs and backhanded teases, and it's so CUTE

He also, for some reason, gets more shy instead of less shy. He blushes, he messes with his hair- AUGH he's so cute

In all honesty no matter what way, shape or form Tachihara flirts with you, even if he's awkward and fumbles each time, he's still such a charmer that you can't help but love him anyway. some messy hair and a sweet boyish grin goes a LONG way!

Dazai:

This is what I like to call Egotistical Flirting

He will tease you by telling you how much you love him, how much other women love him, how wonderful of a guy he is and how great of a deal he's constantly offering you. Yes, the 'deal' in question is dinner and a movie double suicide

And of course you roll your eyes and chuckle, and while he pretends that he's all offended that you aren't openly falling for it, he LOVES that. He loves your affectionate sarcasm and he could milk it out of you for days if he had the time

And he doesn't even wait to even learn your name before he immediately goes full on womaniser. He would just approach you like 'Heyyy~' and it's all downhill from there.

Dazai is a man on a MISSION is what I'm saying

He will also tease you by embarrassing you. He just says the most oUT OF POCKET stuff out of nowhere in public?? He absolutely delights in seeing you get all embarrassed and having you swat at him and scold him

(He's a bit of a masochist don't question it)

Naturally, this is generally a facade to hide the fact that he is hopelessly infatuated with you, and kinda scared of commitment. He hopes you'll accept him as he is but just in case... it's easier to put up a nonchalant front.

Don't worry Dazai. you've got nothing to worry about. :)

Fyodor:

Mind games. Mind games. MIND GAMES

And not the good kind!

He will tease you with this neat little trick he uses called psychological warfare. In his experience it's 100% effective

Fyodor is a toxic little shit. He doesn't often really 'tease' so much as 'neg'. He doesn't quite care too much about your esteem as long as he's able to make you like him back.

You guys know this thing called Ascended Astarion? yeah this is basically just that but ✨ Russian ✨

All this being said he actually does feel affection and love towards you, and he DOES care. He just doesn't want you to reject him, so he'll use any trick necessary to prevent that (regardless of general ethics for the most part)

Fyodor is an all rounder. He'll tease, show genuine affection, neg, flirt, stalk, lovebomb...the whole shebang (I'm sure he asked Nikolai for tips, and I'm even more sure Nikolai had MANY)

Fyodor is just so emotionally out of touch when it comes to other people that he genuinely has no idea how to just...flirt, or even really be casual, like a normal person. It would be sad if he wasn't such a motherfucker

Honestly all of you 'I could fix him' girlies would fall hook line and sinker for this (and I'm allowed to say that because I am one of you)

In the end...man, just date Tachihara

taglist~ ♡ @gettinshiggywithit, @fyodorhatr, @flower-of-darkness, @bejeweledgirl, @kokoenjiandco, @pinkiipeachiikeen, @call-me-albie

[writersdrug]

Please continue to write literally anything for konig, I’m having the worst work week of my life and your fics always sustain me! I just finished chapter 13 and I almost cried because I realised I’d have to wait for more to come out 😔 this isn’t really a request or question just encouragement!!!

I don't have much queued up for König besides I Don't Need You, but here are some headcannons I have!! Also I'm sorry your work week was bad, let König cheer you up

NSFW at the end

We all know he would love to go on rants bout knives, guns, history, etc. But I also imagine that if you tried to chime in with your own, semi-relatable topic he'd glare at you and say "I wasn't finished," before continuing on his schpeel. He's not trying to be mean, he just has to tell you about Richard the third and how he definitely killed the two princes in the tower.

If you ask if the two of you can get a cat, he comes home the next day with one - but he didn't go to the pet store, or a shelter. He went to the restaraunt you always drag him to and waited by the dumpster with a can of tuna. Caught the scruffy thing and brought it to you, tucked under an arm with a big smile on his face.

He had to help you bathe the spitting kitten, poor baby was covered in fleas.

This man unironically adores the bucket of chicken you can get from KFC. Just a pail of chicken all for himself.

If you're out shopping or really anywhere where you take the lead, people are always asking if you're ok - "That man looks like he's following you," they whisper, "do you need me to get someone to walk you out?"

It's just König, standing behind you in a balaclava, hands in his pockets and dark clothing. Just 👁👁

Goes for an hour-long run at 4 am every morning, comes home to shower, then crawls back in bed with you to sleep until you have to go to work.

His phone screen is probably gross. Lock screen is you, doing your makeup and wearing a stunning dress for date night, unaware of König lurking in the doorway for a photo; background is the poster for Lord of the Rings: Return of the King

This man is known as a terror among door salesmen. They're just trying to get him to buy their services for cleaning gutters and he's dragging them to the backyard to show them how he cleans it himself, talking to them for an hour about how you don't need to hire someone to do "simple work"

He plays D&D with other veterans every Thursday night - you both usually host at your house, and he gives you an appreciative smile/pat when you come through with more drinks.

(Based on a tiktok) he once came in through the back door, standing in the dining room awkwardly as he watched you sort through the mail. He stared at you with a blank expression, until you finally looked back at him. "What's wrong, baby?"

He then slapped a lizard on the table, making you scream and throw a pile of mail at the thing as it scurried across the wood. He laughed for a good thirty minutes.

When he's sick, he tries to get away with downing a shot of Everclear and moving on with his day. "Alcohol kills bacteria, no?" (You'll have none of that nonsense, and he's not complaining when you dote on him and hand-feed him soup.)

If you're in the shower, he's in the shower. Doesn't matter if he had one an hour ago.

If you have a child, he loves to gaslight them (especially in their elementary years). Agrees to play Princess with them, but then proceeds to say that he's the Princess.

"I'm always the Princess!"

"Nein, you said I could be this time!"

"No I didn't!"

"Well I'm the Princess, so I make the rules."

Believes eating your pussy will make you feel better in any situation (sometimes it does). Bad day at work? He's kneeling in front of you and telling you to flip your skirt up. Cramps? Orgasms are the best remedy, schatz. Your tomatoes aren't growing well this year? Ah, shucks. Let him eat you out.

Anyways this is bleh but hope this helps!!

[weird-is-life]

helloo! okay this might be a long request so buckle up. idea for spencer based off of my day; let it be know that i relate to spence, even if I have a "low" iq, what i mean is, I ramble. and watching people shut down spencer when he's about to rant always made me sad (obviously). but i realized it's because that happens to me. I'm a very geeky person so i get passionate and i understand why people would shut me down (still hurts tho). but today one of my friends asked a question it was about simpler animals and what the difference was. me loving animals and knowing the answer, well I spoke up but immediately got talked over about something not relevant. my real idea is, what if spencer had someone that rambled with him and appreciated his rants. like i think it'd be cute and they don't have to rant about the same thing, just both like in the corner talking absurdly fast together. and the team probably rolling their eyes. maybe??? (sorry if it was to personal) hope you have a great dayyy!!

Hiii lovely, ty for the request💕!! Hope this is okay, warnings: fluff, like one pet name (0.6k)

Sometimes Hotch kind of regrets hiring you (not really, you're a great  addition to the team and everybody loves you), but when he sees you and Spencer together, the thought crosses his mind.

What he really does regret, is putting your desk and Spencer's desk next to each other. Big, big, big mistake.

You and Spencer are hunched over something at your desk, talking very quickly, as you two often do. Hotch finds your conversations, against his better judgement, cute. But not when he's trying to start a meeting and you two can't seem to notice.

He and the team see this on a regular basis, it's nothing new, that you and Spencer talk and talk about something, anything, completely in your own world.

Your conversations are still the same just like the first time, you and Spencer met. Maybe they got even worse. You two can ramble on and on for hours like it's nothing.

And you love it. You love talking to Spencer. The topic of your conversation is never a problem, you can talk about anything and nothing at the same time.

Just the fact, that you can talk to each other without being talked over, interrupted or hushed down is everything to you and to him.

Spencer feels the same. He loves talking to you. Your sweet, sweet voice makes it even better. He loves even just listening to you talk, it's maybe his favourite thing in the world.

Especially, when you two talk about the most silly, random stuff, while lying in the bed late at night. Chuckling and rambling without a care in the world. Maybe he loves it so much, because the team doesn't know about it. It's like something sacred between just you and him.

That's definitely his happy place, just you two having a quiet conversations with sleepy voices.

"Spence, have you read this book before?" you ask, pointing at the book lying on your desk.

"Oh," Spencer's face lights up with recognition," I have. It's really good, right?"

"I don't know, I haven't started it yet. I want to, but I can't bring myself to read it after a day full of work," you say to Spencer.

"I-I could read it to you?" he hesitantly offers.

"Spence, it's almost 800 pages long...." you chuckle at his offer.

"I don't mind," he quickly responds.

You think about it, but not for too long. You don't really need convincing, not when it comes to Spencer.

"Well, okay then. But only if you really want to," you give him a smile.

"I want to," he reassures you," and i do have some suggestions...."

"Like what?"

"Like books, that are similar to this. If you like this one, I could lend them to you-" Spencer's fast rambling gets interrupted, but not by you, never by you.

"Yo, lovebirds, we'd be very happy to let you talk about whatever nonsense you're talking about, but we all want to have this meeting over with. So if you'd be so kind to join us, that'd be nice," Derek basically yells at you from the conference room's doorway, making everybody in the room look at you and Spencer.

Your cheeks go a bit pink at Derek's words, you haven't realised that they were waiting on you and Spencer.

"Relax Derek, we're coming," Spencer says back loudly, " come on sweetheart, let's go there before they get mad at us," Spencer tells you, rolling his eyes over Derek's words.

"We'll talk about the book more later, yeah?" Spencer promises.

"Later?"

"I could come over tonight?" Spencer unsurely proposes.

"That'd be great, I'd love that," you'd never pass an opportunity to spend time with Spencer and getting to listen to him talk.

Somebody would maybe find reading to each other boring, but you and Spencer would never. It's like your love language.

[bots-and-cons]

I hope I'm doing it right this time 😅 FYI I just copied my ask from earlier cause I'm lazy. Thanks for helping me 🙏.

So, I wanted to request Soundwave, Shockwave, and Ratchet with a GN s/o who struggles with talking sometimes and messes up words by accidentally saying nonsense instead or speaking the words out of order, and gets very frustrated at themself and is very self conscious about it but they laugh it off around others and don't act like it. They're also a very sweet and patient person who loves to give random compliments to others but never themself as their love language.

A/N: Yeah you did it right this time, the askbox is the place for requests. Since the character limit for HCs is two characters, I dropped Shockwave

~Ratchet~

•When you met Ratchet for the first time and at the beginning when you were just getting to know each other, he was sometimes confused when you mixed up what you were saying

•When you’re nervous, you get things mixed up more often and sometimes it just ends up being plain nonsense

•So when you first met the autobots, you were of course nervous, who wouldn’t be in that situation honestly?

•You often get the same things mixed up in a very similar way each time, so Ratchet has sort of become able to decipher what you’re talking about, even if you do mess up

•Of course if it’s complete nonsense, he’s not going to be able to figure it out, but he’s always very patient with you

•Ratchet knows you’re self-conscious about the way you sometimes talk, because people have made fun of you

•When Smokescreen was new to the team, he thought you were messing up your words on purpose, so he laughed at you

•You just laughed it off, but Ratchet could see you were upset, he didn’t want to make a big deal out of it in front of everyone else, since he knows you don’t like drawing attention to it

•So he took Smokescreen aside and told him about how he shouldn’t laugh at you and all that

•Smokescreen later apologized to you when it was just you, him and Ratchet around

•He was really apologetic, and while you appreciated it, you still tried to just laugh it off and act like it didn’t bother you

•Smokescreen didn’t really notice this, but Ratchet did

•Ratchet finds your way of talking endearing, and he tries to remind you of that when he remembers to

•You always make sure Ratchet knows how much he means to you, and you compliment him when you feel it’s appropriate

•You’re bad at complimenting yourself, and you never really make a big deal about your accomplishments, so Ratchet makes sure to let you know he’s proud of you

~Soundwave~

•Soundwave doesn’t talk much, but he’s a very good listener and good at deciphering what you say, even if it is total nonsense, because he picks up on context clues really well

•He’s of course sometimes wrong with his guesses, but it’s rather rare

•The words being out of order never really bothers him either, because he just understands what you’re saying anyway

•It honestly makes you feel a bit better about the mess-ups, since it never seems to bother Soundwave

•You of course get frustrated sometimes, especially if someone else doesn’t understand you, but Soundwave is always recording, so he just rearranges the recorded words and repeats it in the “correct” order, at least when he happens to be there

•He also often talks to you with recordings of your voice, which you find kind of funny

•Soundwave makes sure you’re always credited for your accomplishments, especially by him

•He compliments you a lot actually, and you do the same to him, but you have a bit of trouble accepting the compliments

•His compliments can be a bit weirdly worded sometimes though, but he always means well, even if it sounds odd

[amysubmits]

This is just my gut feeling after being on Tumblr since 2016 so take it or leave it but... I stumble across blogs of people talking about how women are just 3 holes and how 'true subs' don't have limits, how all women are naturally submissive and other nonsense, and I definitely dislike that and hate them being in this community. I have no doubt in my mind that these people harm subs. I don't mean to suggest that these people aren't dangerous - they definitely are.

But I kinda think it might be true that some of the most dangerous ones are far more subtle. Far more manipulative, specifically. I sometimes get this bad gut feeling when I'm on a blog where someone is preaching about how staunchly feminist they are, how deeply they love their sub, how they damn-near worship their sub (or would worship a future sub), how awful stereotypical "tumblr doms" are. They might go on long tirades about respecting women when they get anons asking things like "why would you even ask your sub what their limits are? If you want to facefuck her until she pukes, it's her job just to take it!" or other anon asks that seem...sus to me. And, idk. Something about it just makes me think that at least some of those kinda doms might just be saying "all the right things" just to try to pull in subs. But that's tricky, because of course lots of people just ARE feminist doms, loving doms, doms trying to prioritize the wellbeing of their sub above all else, doms trying to empower their subs. And when that's the case, saying that you're a feminist and that you value subs and respect subs and so on, even saying it frequently and strongly, shouldn't be a red flag. Most of the time when I see a 'healthy dom' post or 'good guy dom' post I don't think twice about it. But then other times my gut just tells me something is OFF about this person. And a big part of me thinks it's that I'm detecting really subtle manipulation.

They may not actually walk the walk, they may just know how to talk the talk of being a feminist, ethical dom while actually being an abusive one or just, shitty one. And if that's the case, they might be capable of a level of manipulation that is REALLY fucking scary.

Another thing that sometimes makes my spidey senses go off is when someone posts a ton of erotic writing or other content but then loudly and routinely proclaims to not be seeking a partner. Maybe they even throw in something like they know they aren't in a healthy enough place to be a dom right now. My gut sometimes says they're trying to claim they don't want a partner, while simultaneously making content to try to reel in a sub, so that they can then damage said sub and go "well, I tried to warn you that I wasn't ready for a sub!"

But - again - maybe my gut is wrong.

I hope I'm wrong. But, this has been on my mind for a while and I thought I'd speak it and let people take it however they wish.

[misc-obeyme]

It’s me I’m back with Lesson 34 spoilers below. (including the hard lesson)

I always try to write these posts shortly after finishing the lesson so that it’s like… my immediate and unfiltered thoughts lol. Sometimes I change my mind about stuff after I see other people’s interpretations of things. So if you were wondering why I’m taking the time to write this at 2 am, that’s why. I totally forgot about the lesson during the day due to the whole Thanksgiving thing.

ANYWAY.

I feel like we got SO MUCH BARB in this lesson?? He was barely in it. But we had other characters talking about him and that honestly makes me happy, too. Probably because I like when they give us some perspective into his character.

BUT FIRST.

Belphie. We were actually playing the role of Lilith in his little Celestial Realm dream sequence, right? And then at the end it’s all but we’re not siblings.

Listen. I just think that Belphie has a lot of unresolved trauma surrounding Lilith and I really don’t feel like having MC play hide-and-seek with him in a dream is going to be enough to help him move past it. Enough to make him want to help MC? Maybe. But I dunno.

However, I also think I probably shouldn’t expect anything more intense than that from an otome game. They were just trying to give us SOMETHING to explain why he was cool with making a pact.

WHICH WE FINALLY DID. With Beel, Belphie, AND Levi. I get Beel & Belphie doing theirs at the same time, but I’m still a little baffled about why Levi waited so long. There probably isn’t a reason, but who knows maybe they’ll surprise us with something lol.

Ah. Lucifer.

This was my favorite part:

I love Mammon, he always just says exactly what he’s thinking (unless it’s how much he loves MC lol).

But we all knew it wasn’t going to be that easy, right? We knew Lucifer would be last. We knew that Lucifer would be the most difficult one to make a pact with. Remember what happened with him last time? Of course he doesn’t want to make a pact with us now. We’re likely going to be going through some kind of long drawn out drama that will eventually lead to Lucifer giving in and making a pact with us.

However, I found both Solomon’s and Diavolo’s reactions to this absolutely hilarious:

Can the two of you take this seriously, please?? I know you both find Lucifer highly entertaining and yeah, I'm usually laughing at him most of the time, too, but I need that pact to get back to where I'm from, thanks.

But we’re only on Lesson 34. So I think we still have plenty of time to make a pact with Lucifer, learn the truth about Nightbringer, and return to our timeline (or have the timelines merge or whatever nonsense they’re gonna do).

I’m still hoping for all that to get resolved by the end of this season lol.

Now, I found this exchange from Belphie’s Celestial Realm shenanigans especially interesting:

Assuming this is accurate to what actually happened when Lucifer was still an angel, this means that the angels knew Barbatos. They know him by name, they clearly think he’s a big deal, and they’re surprised that he’s agreed to be Diavolo’s butler.

I was always under the impression that the demons and the angels didn’t really know much about each other. But now I’m wondering if maybe Barbatos had something to do with the end of the war that happened before the Celestial War. The one that was between the Celestial Realm and the Devildom. I have no reason for thinking this other than the fact that as angels, Lucifer & Simeon clearly know him. And what else would they know him from? Though I suppose anything could have happened lol.

And then there was all of this:

What does it MEAN?! (Obviously I chose the second option for MC's dialogue, which increased Barb's intimacy.)

Barbatos my true love. Why did you give MC a real piece of paper from your grimoire? He’s always been cautious, always keeping MC at arm’s length, and now all of a sudden it’s here’s a piece of my grimoire? There is NO WAY he doesn’t have all of the build up from the OG. I can’t believe that he would actually give MC a piece of his grimoire if he had only just met them at the beginning of Nightbringer. So I’m tacking this on as additional evidence that Barb knows all.

Also can we just appreciate Lucifer in 32-A? All his brothers are completely out of it and he single-handedly motivates every one of them back into action.

It sure worked, huh? Do you think the credit card is in the freezer yet?

You guys. THE HARD LESSON.

It was everything. I LOVE the Little Ds. I LOVE them hanging out with Diavolo. I LOVE that Barbatos couldn’t accompany MC because Diavolo requested some fancy human world dish. This entire hard lesson was *chef’s kiss*

GOD I love Barb's knowing look and Dia's little frown. I love them so much it's almost painful lol.

Okay that’s all I’ve got to say about this lesson. In general, I enjoyed it. They coulda played up Belphie’s yandere tendencies a bit more. I felt like his change of heart was rather rushed, but they really can’t put him through the therapy he needs. I don’t think the lessons are long enough for that.

[systemic-chaos]

i beg of you, please give us your nsfw franco headcanons 🥺

I'm bored at work and finally got my meds refilled, so here you go!! Everything is gonna go under the cut again because I don't want to subject anyone to horny Franco Barbi nonsense unknowingly

- First off, Franco is bisexual to me. I think he wants a daddy just as bad as he wants a mommy, since he barely had either one.

- He's also got so much internalized homophobia going on. Man feels horribly emasculated by liking men, which either results in being overly aggressive to other men to try to reclaim his feelings of masculinity (cough cough my easterman headcanons) or finding the act of being emasculated more erotic when it's from a guy. Take your pick depending on the guy!

- Canonically, he's got erectile dysfunction about anything that isn't humiliating. I also extend this to getting involuntary boners whenever he is humiliated, even if it's from someone he doesn't like. It's a sort of trauma response for him, since I don't think the whole stepmom situation was even remotely able to be consensual. I mean, he was like a teenager when that happened if I remember correctly, and teenagers can't consent to adults especially if they are in a position of power over them. All this to say, man's erections have a mind of their own separate from what Franco wants.

- Franco is HEAVILY into ageplay. The baby schitck is DEFINITELY sexual to him. At the same time, I think he finds it both comforting and arousing. It feels a deep gash in his psyche left by continual trauma to go back to a simpler time where he can be comfortable and warm. His favorite sex is when people indulge his fetishes about ageplay.

- Franco is NOT good at penatrative sex. He's a little too selfish in that regard, and I think he doesn't really know how to properly use his dick in that kind of way. He'll just frantically hump you a few times, then he's off like a rocket. Short refractory period if you make fun of him for it, though!

-On the other hand, he's GREAT at oral. Hello, oral fixation! He can happily suck dick or eat you out for hours without a break. It's like a bottle to him. He'll whine about not getting a turn, but he won't really mean it.

-He likes to be denied, up to a point. The humiliation of begging someone else for an orgasm is really nice, that is until it starts to hurt. He can and will throw tantrums about blue balls.

-Sex without humiliation is rare for Franco (since he puts too much stock in needing to get hard) but if you were to avoid humiliating him, he'd be both surprised and grateful. Degradation is sexy, but he values feeling like someone's special little guy who can do a good job pleasing them.

-He'd also be a diehard romantic to anyone who slept with him more than once voluntarily. I'm taking rose petals on the bed, candles everywhere, slow sensual music. Man wants very badly to be seductive and loving.

-If you humiliated him too intensely during sex, he might have a panic attack. He's prone to flashbacks about his father's beatings, and very rarely about his stepmother (since he mostly convinces himself that it was consensual with her). You could probably get him off even if he was panicking, but watch out; He'd definitely try to kill you after.

-He's a champion of aftercare and pillow talk. He's a cuddly little monster and he can be surprisingly considerate to others. He'd praise you to the moon and back, letting you know exactly how great you were to him. He'd also try to get you to take a bath with him. Baby loves baths.

Also random headcanon, but I think the man wears a onesie after sex and just zonk out with his binkie in his mouth. Just lights out for the lil guy.

Hope you enjoyed!! I might do more headcanons, both NSFW and otherwise, sometime!!! Mostly I'm thinking about Mother Gooseberry...

[lovelykil]

hello! i hope you're doing well!

could i request killua with someone who is distant and quiet at first but then after knowing them for a while they slowly open up to him? they still are pretty quiet but they like hanging out with him and sometimes they (very rarely) are childish in front of him

you can make it platonic or romantic, it up to you, i would prefer romantic but im fine with either one!!

have a lovely rest of your day!!!😊

headcanons─

: ➛ killua x reader

hc; distant reader

cw; none

note; hii, also idk if this was really good I'm sleepy 😿

“didn't know you could speak”

to be fair he was also distant when meeting you, didn't really bother wanting to get to know you.

it was nothing bad he just didn't find you.. interesting? I mean you only made eye contact with him twice then looked away quickly before moving around the running people whom were all taking the hunter exam.

that's a lie you did spark his interest a little but he got distracted when a boy with a fishing hook started to talk about his skateboard.

anyway some time passed by and you found yourself with the 2 boys. You could say they were your "friends" but they barely knew anything about you considering the lack of speech you provided.

the albino always wondered why you didn't speak much, even telling gon they should probably drop you as a friend 😭

"gon they barely speak! It's like talking to a damn wall!!"

"you're right but, that's not nice they are our friend."

"BARLEY"

after some time being with them, going through so much adventures, and finally finding Ging you opened up a little.

you began to talk to the two more often during probably the Greed island arc. You felt.. nice with them but especially with killua something about him.. just..

kil was actually super surprised when you began to just randomly compliment him on his special ability out of nowhere

saying stuff like;

"HUHHH? YOU TALK?

or

"oh so you DO talk, huh?!'

but then he blushes from your sudden compliment, going to scratch his cheek in a flush

I'm sure too his viewpoint on you changes to a much better one. He listens carefully whenever you talk about your past more seriously your mother but that's rare.

he actually enjoys having someone he can relate to, his mom sucks as well. Just makes his weird feelings for you kinda grow in a way.

he understands when you can get quiet sometimes, he does the same so he won't question anything.. though maybe gon will

why were you so quiet all of a sudden?? You were just barely opening up, did he do something wrong?

WHAT WAS ITT—

killua has to shush up the ravenette and explain with a tic mark as you watched dumbfounded in the background

there's times where only the two of you will go out walking, leaving gon in his bed sound asleep.

you guys talk about literally anything, it's a night walk.

a few times he caught you acting foolish and was a little surprised at your childish acts , considering he didn't expect that at all from you..

but that just proved you were getting comfortable with him (　-∀・)

he won't say anything but nights where you two talk about nonsense, exchanging a few laughs and slight intimate moments where he turns into a mess and stops staring into your eyes, makes him happy

and even during those quiet moments he still cherishes them as he stares into the sunset, wind blowing through his fluffy hair, his mind at ease and you right next to him.

[nekropsii]

I am so sorry your completely true and honest takes not rotted with fanon because you actually read the comic seem to attract so many lunatics. You are a lighthouse amidst a storm of insanity

Thank you. Sincerely. It's really appreciated, especially now. People should be required to pay me $500 before saying mean, out of pocket shit to me. Like, sure, I'm absolutely wrong sometimes, I accept that. But nothing I do warrants this shit. Honestly, no one deserves this. Sexual Violence isn't something you can wish upon anybody in a way that makes you hinged and morally upright. You can say you hope someone dies and have that be fine, but... You can't do this. You can't sexualize someone against their will, or make any comment about fantasizing about assaulting them or generally hoping they get assaulted. It's just sick, no matter the context. There's no point in which that becomes acceptable to do.

I don't even know what's provoking this. As I've said, I don't really leave my corner. I just talk about things that happen in the damn comic, and if people like my posts, that's their business. I don't go in the tags. I don't really interact with the fandom. I just wanna post whatever current thoughts I have about Homestuck and work on my webcomic. It feels like I could post the simplest thing with extensive citations and get sent some weird, vile nonsense because some individuals can't seem to help but take everything so goddamn personally that they've been rendered too stupid to just filter my username out about it and have to resort to saying dehumanizing bullshit that could easily get them banned... And apparently already has before. Fun!

You Know What? Here's a Tutorial:

Step 1: Go to Settings. Step 2: Scroll down until you hit the Content You See section. Step 3: Type whatever the hell you want into the Filtered Post Content section. Step 4: Have some fucking decorum, Jesus shitting Christ, this isn't a hard ask. Step 5: Profit!

[genieofthebooks]

Hi!! Hope you're doing good! I'm so glad to see that you're writing for Lockwood and co, I really love your writing style :)

Could I request for a scenario with a reader who like, scold george after what happened with Joplin? Like, in a "how could you believe something nonsensical such as us not needing you?! I need you!" type of way (in ep 8). I've been meaning to yell at him for at least 45 minutes when I heard him saying that Lockwood and Lucy didn't need him, lmao—

I Need You

Pairing: George Karim x Fem!Reader

Warnings: Kissing, Mentions of blood, tears, saddness.

You were sat in the back of a DEPRAC ambulance with a paramedic placing stitches onto your forhead and wiping off some of the blood that had attached itself to your face, your hair was slightly matted with blood and your ponytail had dropped, George was sat next to you, your hand in his lap, with Lucy and Lockwood standing and observing the paradmedic flit around you like an annoying fly that you desperately wanted to hit but you could not. Even though George was next to you and holding onto your hand to distract you from the pain Joplin put you through and to stop you from punching the paramedic, you still wondered what would have happened if Lucy had not shown up. Would George have died looking into that mirror? Would he have died thinking that he was not needed by anyone?

"What are you thinking about Y/n/n?" Lockwood spoke noticing how you were staring at the ground, zoned out as you had not realised that the paramedic had left and it was just you four left.

"Mmn" You lifted your head not fully hearing what Lockwood said because some blood was in your ear from the Impact of being thrown into a wall by a ghost and because you were too busy worried about George.

"What are you thinking about?" Lockwood asked you again patiently knowing how you often got caught up in your mind.

"Oh nothing" You answered kicking a stone with your feet making everyone raise their eyebrows at your blatant lie. "George can I talk to you for a minute. Alone"

The bespectacled boy nodded jumping off the horrendously bright yellow ambulance and you followed him to the side of the building where you would be out of sight. Unkown to the both of you a certain duo were watching you two from a far. "So what did you want to talk about" He smiled at you while placing his hands in his puffer jacket.

You raised your hands and pushed him back softly making him stumble back in shock. "You George Karim are an absolute idiot."

"What have I done!" The boy exclaimed his voice going higher as he had no idea why you were angry.

"How could someone be so smart yet stupid at the same time?"

"I'm afraid I don't follow" George tilted his head in confusion, for once he could not figure you out. Only he could read you and your emotions like a book but in this very moment he was puzzled at you.

"We need you George. I might have been blacking out from the pain when Joplin called her guard dog ghost to chuck me against the wall but I still heard everything you said" You started but stopped when you saw him wince of the memory of you getting thrown into a wall and when he expressed how he truly felt.

"Y/n-" He stepped forward taking your hand into his but soon frowned when you pulled it away as if it was a burning pan.

"No Let me talk. George you are the glue that holds us together. You try to stop Lockwood from doing something suicidal and stupid even though it never works sometimes and You helped Lucy when she wanted to try something and banded against Lockwood and as much as you hate to admit it you like Lucy and she is not a pain in your arse but a friend. Nothing you said is true. We need you George." Tears were threatening to fall down your still half bloodied face but you had managed to contain the tears with a Dam. You lightly hit his chest again where he caught your hand and held it to his chest so you could feel his heart beat as he knew that was not the only reason you were upset.

"Whe-when you talked of looking in that mirror I was so scared." your voice breaking when you started the sentance and your voice going quiet when you admitted to being scared. The dam broke. Tears started flowing freely down your cheeks but you never broke eye contact with George looking into his brown eyes calmed you for a second as it reminded you that he was still here and In front of you. "I was scared. Scared of losing you because I need you. I don't care that you are odd. I mean look at us, none of us are normal and I am pretty sure Lockwood is insane. I need you George. You might feel that none of us need you but we do and for the love of God I will spend the rest of my life trying to prove it-"

Your last sentance was muffled by George as he pulled your arm gently so your body was close to him with inches between you, before you could think his lips were on yours, shutting you up. The kiss was sweet yet passionate at the same time. You pulled away and raised your hand up to his cheek and laughed softly when you saw that his glasses were fogged up. "Your glasses are all fogged up"

"Oh, nevermind" He pulled you back into a kiss, placing his hand on the side of your face that was not covered in dried blood. He made a mental note to make sure that was cleaned of your face because that definitely could not have been comfortable for you. But at the current moment he did not care that they had all just escaped death again and that their body's were all fighting exhaustion. All he cared about was you.

In the background behind a Yellow DEPRAC van a certain teenager was celebrating that his bestfriends were together after they have been dancing around each other for a year, he looked towards Lucy who held a small smile for her two new friends.

Sorry that it is so short and If it is not the best.

[doumadono]

hii it’s the twice & dabi anon again.

i’m sorry to ask for another emergency request but i’ve been having so much difficulty with my mom over the past year and a half, maybe two. it’s only been getting worse and now she doesn’t even talk to me. i only get updates from my little sisters and— oh my god it’s just horrible. i feel so bad that i had to leave them. but, i just couldn’t stay, you know?

could you maybe write something about twice & dabi comforting their partner/gf about the situation??

you don’t have to write for both!! either or is perfect!!

i just love the comfort you’re willing and able to provide. (even though you don’t have to. it’s truly heartwarming seeing you do this all. i really appreciate what you do.)

i really hope you’re doing well and taking good care of yourself. please be sure to eat properly and drink water!!

A/N: I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through such a difficult time. It's important to prioritize your well-being, and I hope things get better for you soon. Also, thank you so much for your kind words! Your appreciation means a lot. Even though I'm not doing well lately, I'll make sure to take care of myself. Wishing you all the best too! 🌟

EMERGENCY REQS MASTERLIST

Twice

Amid the chaos that permeated your mind, Jin Bubaigawara appeared with a boisterous greeting that momentarily broke the heavy silence that surrounded you. "Hey, babe! Twice is here to lift your spirits!" he declared with his characteristic energy, though his eyes held a genuine concern as he noticed the weight on your shoulders.

As you poured out the complexities of your strained relationship with your mom, Twice listened attentively, his empathy shining through. "Dang, that sounds tough. But you know what? You're strong for facing it head-on, I admire that," he remarked, his voice carrying a mix of reassurance and admiration.

He enveloped you in a tight hug, and his voice softened, "You did what you had to do for your own well-being. Don't beat yourself up about it." He pulled back, looking into your eyes. "You're not alone, okay? The League's got your back, and so do I."

Twice pondered, tapping his chin thoughtfully. "Perhaps you'd like to engage in something? Not sure what exactly. Toga mentioned once that staying busy is beneficial - it keeps your mind from wandering into overthinking territory. And hey, if you ever need a clone to handle some mom-related drama, I got you covered. Double the trouble, double the fun!"

Dabi

The faint glow of Dabi's cigarette illuminated his face as he leaned against the wall, his stoic demeanor unwavering. "Come here, doll," he said, gesturing to the spot next to him.

As you recounted the painful saga of your relationship with your mom, Dabi listened in silence. When you finished, he took a slow drag of his cigarette before speaking. "Family can be a real mess, I know that. Sometimes, you gotta step back to save yourself."

He placed a comforting hand on your shoulder. "Leaving doesn't make you weak, ya know? It takes strength to break away from toxicity, in fact." His voice was low, carrying a raw honesty that resonated with your own emotions.

His long fingers traced soothing patterns on your back as he continued, "You're not alone in this. The past doesn't define you, and you're building a future for yourself, not for them, yeah?"

Dabi's lips curled into a smirk. "We're both well aware of the hell it is to deal with toxic nonsense within our own families. Parents messing up their own kids? That's a special kind of mess."

He lightly tapped your nose. "Take it easy, and find ways to keep that beautiful head of yours focused on other things. Overthinking is just a slow way to kill your own self. Don't let it consume you."

He extinguished the cigarette and looked directly into your eyes. "Just so ya know, if you ever need someone to lean on, I'm here. We're in this together."

[matthew-gray-gubler-lover]

Sex With Spencer Reid All Seasons (season 12)

If you are under the age of 18, please do not read this story. Thank you.

This will cover what I believe sex would be like with Spencer Reid from season 1 to 15. Warning contains adult situations, Sex. Dirty talk, Orgasms, Crying, Spoilers for all seasons and Spencer Reid being a sex God.

Also includes fingering and oral sex. (Female receiving only.)

These are a little bit longer than I anticipated them to be because I wanted to give a back story as to why the sex is the way that it is for each season. To give it in depth feeling of why Spencer was the way that he was in bed that season.  So I will be posting them by each season rather than all at once. I hope this gives you something to look forward to, and please leave comments,  I will be leaving links to the next season below.

You are a new agent at the BAU and Spencer Reid's girlfriend, the one who takes his virginity and has sex with him for all 15 seasons and beyond.

Spencer Reid knew the first time he saw you walk through the doors of the BAU that you were the one that he was going to love forever. The first time you smiled, he knew it was the only smile that he ever wanted to wake up to. The first time he touched your hand, he knew yours was the only hand he ever wanted to hold. The first time he kissed you, he knew your lips were the only ones that he ever wanted to have pressed against his own. and the first time he made love to you, he knew you were the only one he ever wanted to do this with, and he also knew he would never be the same you or his life now, his love and his only desire.

Masterlist for these stories

Season 12

***Spoilers. If you have not seen season 12, please do not read this story.***

In season 12, we all know what happens. In season 12, Spencer is in prison and it was a horrible experience. It was very hard for me to watch these episodes, but I have seen them.

It was a wonderful night with Spencer. The two of you managed to get warmed up and dried off after getting caught in the rain coming home from the grocery store.

"It wasn't supposed to start raining in until midnight" Spencer said, ringing out his hair. "it's only 6:00"

"Well sometimes the weather can be unpredictable, honey. But yeah, I am sopping wet. I'm going to go take a shower. OK, unless you want to take one first, you should take one first" you told spencer.

"Nonsense. The lady gets the first shower. Now go warm up. That rain is cold."

"ok i will be fast" you tell him giving him a kiss before taking a quick shower.

You take a quick shower and come right out, still wrapped in your towel. You find Spencer sitting on your wooden dining room chair with his head hung just looking at the floor.

You're not really sure that you should bother him at this point. He has been having a hard time the last few weeks with his mother's condition getting worse, and you know how much he worries about her.

You slowly approach him in the chair and he looks up at you and smiles. "Hey sweetie, you look beautiful" he tells you.

You appreciate the compliment and you know that he really means and it's coming from his heart, but you can also see the tears that are filling his eyes. You want so badly to help him.

"thank you for thinking so, are you ok?" you ask him softly.

"Oh yeah. Just stressed, you know, a little worried about my mom. And wet and cold. Very, very cold" he tells you.

"well why don't you go and take a shower and warm up and then we'll have something to eat ok?"

"Yeah, that sounds good. I'm going To, I'm going to go warm up and uh, can we eat in bed?" He asks you.

"yeah anything you want honey"

Spencer walks into the bathroom and you hear the shower turn on. You hope that this shower will help him feel better. You put on a pair of pink pajamas, ones that you know the Spencer loves on you.

And then you walk back into the kitchen. You'll see that Spencer had put the groceries away while you were in the shower. You make a Turkey sandwich with Turkey, lettuce, tomato, black pepper and mayonnaise on wheat bread.

and you take it to the bedroom and place it on the nightstand next to the bed.

You then get into bed and wait for Spencer. He comes out dressed in black pajamas with a skeleton on the shirt. His Halloween pajamas. You love it.

Spencer gets into bed and eats his sandwich. You have one as well. When you two are done eating, Spencer looks over you and notice this for the first time that you're wearing his favorite pink pajamas.

You see the lust building up in his eyes as he looks at you.

"My favorite Pj's, huh? You wore these just to make me happy?"

He asked as he traced his finger down the V-neck of your pink pajama top.

"yes i did" you answer..

"Well, you know how much I love you in these, but you know how much I love you when you're out of these?" He says. Is He starts to unbutton the pink top.

You both quickly remove each other 's clothes and Spencer's on top of you and no time. He loves spending time with you and making you happy and you love the same. you both do everything you can to make sure the other one is happy.

Spencer is kissing you passionately as he slips inside with no resistance. 

You both are moaning and kissing each other. You can't get enough of each other at this point. No matter how many times you two have sex, it's always so magical. There's something about Spencer Reid that just makes everything a life magical.

The slow thrusts coming from Spencer is he finally releases your lips from his and looks deeply into your eyes before whispering the words. "I love you so much".

It's definitely not the first time that Spencer has told you this while he was making love to you, but there was something about the way that he said it tonight. There seemed to be a sadness behind it more than the love and passion that's usually behind the words.

Being a profiler, Spencer can see that you notice the change in him, so he quickly buries his head into your neck as he continues to thrust slowly into you.

After three orgasms, you're both completely spent.

Spencer holds you cuddled in his arms as he runs his finger up and down your arm, telling you once more how much he loves you. You can't help but still notice the sad tone behind it.

"i love you too spencer, are you sure you're ok?" You ask him, not wanting to bother him, not wanting to upset him, or even make him have to tell you anything he doesn't really want to. You just want to make sure that he's ok.

"No, no, not really. I... I have to leave again to do some medical research for my mom. And you know how much I hate leaving you. And I'm so sorry that I have to do it, but my mom's not getting any better. I just want her to get better. I mean, she's my mom and I just want to help her. I feel like I have IQ of 187 and I can't even fix my mom. And then I feel bad, because I means 

having to leave you. But I know how boring it would be for you to be at these research labs hearing all of this medical mumbo jumbo." He tells you, tears starting to fall from his eyes now.

"Hey, hey. Hey, Spencer. It's OK. I know how much you love your mom and how much you want to help her. That's one of the things that I love about you is how devoted of a son you are. I understand. And I'll be here when you get back. Of course I miss you like crazy when you're gone, but you call and check in and we video chat, so it's OK. It'll only be what, two days like last time?"

"Yeah, it'll only be for two days and I promise I'll make it up to you just like I did last time. We'll stay in bed the whole day if that's what you want to do."

"OK then Spencer, just calm down baby. I'm going to be here for you no matter what. I know that you'll find a way to make your mom better."

you fall asleep in his arms he is holding you like he might never feel you again, he can't make himself go to sleep he wants to keep watching you sleep and keep feeling you, he doesn't know 

why he is feeling this way, maybe the World is trying to tell him something. Maybe it's trying to tell him don't go, don't do this research. Stay here. This is where you should be. But Spencer's 

heart is in the right place, and he knows that he has to try to save his mom. He also knows that he should not go and he should stay here with you.

Spencer got up at 6:30 in the morning and packed his luggage for what he thought he was going to need for the trip to the medical research. Not before waking you up with a round of passionate morning love making. Love making in the morning with Spencer Reid really wasn't all that unusual. It happened quite often, in fact. But again, there was something different about this time.

you could still sense is sadness and unsureness that he should be leaving.

After three orgasms, once with oral and two with penetration, Spencer reluctantly got out of bed and got dressed.

"i love you so much" he tells you as he kisses you good bye.

"i love you so much spencer" you tell him.

Spencer picks up his two brown suitcases and walks out the door. You can both feel that there is something wrong, but neither one of you knows what it is. He's done this before, twice in fact, so you know he'll be back. He'll be OK.

You closed the door and leaned against it, letting out a heavy sigh, knowing that the love of your life was walking down the hallway and leaving you for the next two days You begin to cry a little, knowing that this feeling was not right.

you look at the clock on the living room table and see the bright red numbers reading out 8:45. You know by 11:00 you'll be receiving a call from Spencer and he'll be in Texas and safe.

It was 11:07 when the phone rang With your heart racing, you pick up your phone and answer it. "Spencer, you made it there."

Spencer chuckles at how happy you sound when you answer the phone. "Yes honey I made it. I'm safe and I'm just going to go in and start talking to some doctors now, OK? I love you." he told you before ending the call.

You begin to relax now that you know that Spencer is safe and sound. That night he calls you and you two talk for at least an hour before you both fall asleep.

The next day Spencer calls you and tells you that everything is going well. It's looking good for something to help his mom. You're very happy about that so that he can finally calm down a little bit.

that night Spencer calls you and says that he's going to be returning home in the morning. You're both so excited to see each other again.

You could barely sleep that night. You got up early and put on one of Spencer's favorite outfits of yours, a purple top and some black shorts.

Over at the BAU, they received a phone call that they never thought they would. Spencer was in Mexico and arrested in a high-speed chase. No one wants to be the one to have to tell you, but Luke offers to be the one.

You sit on the tan sofa in your living room, surfing through cable channels, trying to find something to keep your attention while you wait for your husband to come back home.

While you're doing that Luke Alvez walks down the hallway of yours and Spencer's shared apartments. He comes upon your door and it's like the mahogany wood burns. Lukes knuckles as he knocks upon the door.

You look over at the clock and it says that it's 11:47. It's not time for Spencer to be back home yet, but maybe he arrived early and wants to surprise you.

You run to the door and open it quickly. Luke's stomach drops as he hears the locks unlocking, not wanting to tell you the horrible news he has to tell you.

"Spencer you're early!!. Oh my gosh. I'm so glad that you're home. Oh Luke, hi Spencer's not here. But if we have a case, I'll come in and help you. He's going to be coming back today, 2:00."

"y/n I know that Reid's not here, and that's what I'm here about. We... we do have a case, but I need you to sit down. Can I come in?? Luke asks with a sad tone in his voice.

"yeah sure come on in, what's the case about?"

"y/n Something happened. I'm here because the case that we have is about Reid. He was arrested in Mexico, a high-speed chase under the influence of an unknown substance."

You can't believe what you are hearing and tell Luke that he has to be wrong, but eventually he talks you into coming with him and the rest of the team to see Spencer in Mexico.

You sit there in a daze on the jet in your own little world, not believing what's happening right now. You go into fantasy memories in fact, remembering the wonderful day that he came home the last time that he went to Texas.

Flash Back

You were taking a shower, eagerly awaiting the return of your husband Spencer.

You got out of the shower and put on your pink fluffy robe. Not expecting Spencer to be back home for at least an hour and a half, if not two hours.

While you were in the shower, Spencer had returned early. He heard the shower and knew that you would be getting ready for him. He was eager and ready to make up for the time that he had been away.

He put his suitcases down at the bedroom door and started to remove his clothes from his body.

When you exited the bathroom the room still steamy from the hot shower that you took.

You looked and saw suitcases at the door, but that wasn't the only thing you saw. You turned your head to the left and saw Spencer standing there with his arms wide open, naked, ready to greet you.

"Spencer!" you shrieked out not only because you were so happy to see him, but it never hurts to see him in the nude.

"i made it home early" he smiled.

"i'm so happy to see you" you look down to see he is naked "and so happy to see you" you giggle.

 Spencer chuckles and wraps his arms around your waist to pull you close to him before kissing you. "I'm so happy to see you too honey"

They kiss becomes deeper and Spencer finally has to pull away to untie your robe. "But I'd love to see more of you" he tells you, looking at the tie on your robe.

Once he gets it untied he opens it and looks at you. "You're so beautiful. I can't believe that I get to come home to you. I can't believe you're mine".

 "i am all yours" you tell him.

Spencer drops your robe to the floor and it pools around your feet before he lifts you up and wraps your legs around his waist and carries you to the bed.

He laid you down and kisses a trail from your lips down to your core.

"missed you so much, i can't wait to Taste you, feel you spend as much time with you as I can going to make it all up to you, I promise." He told you before licking your clit Causing a loud moan to escape your lips as he did so.

Once he was done licking and sucking you, causing you to orgasm twice from his mouth alone, he kissed a trail back up your body to your lips, kissing them and looking into your eyes before saying "I love you so much"

He pushed into the greatest of ease. You always accepted him so well to your body. Never any resistance, not even the first time.

He thrusted slowly as he threaded your fingers with his holding your hand the whole time, kissing you, telling you how much he loved you, looking into your eyes.

you hear you name being called But you are still in your fantasy thinking that it's Spencer that's calling out your name as you remember the passion of that day.

Till you hear it two more times and you realize it's JJ asking if you're OK.

You didn't realize that during your memory you started to cry, tears streaming down your face. The whole team noticed it. Everybody so worried about you, they're worried about Spencer, but they know that Spencer needs you to be strong.

you visit Spencer as often as you can. Penelope even. Make sure that you're the first one on the list to visit him, You visit him every chance you get. This time is hard for both you and Spencer. But you know that Spencer is strong and he will make it through and you will be together again once more, just the way that you have been for the past 11 years.

Everyone on the team made sure that you were OK, but Luke seemed to pay you extra special attention, something that would have raised a few eyebrows on the team if they didn't know you so well.

They know Luke as well would never try to take you away from your husband, Even with the late night check-ins, making sure that you were eating, drinking, getting enough sleep, And the night that you couldn't stop crying when he came to check on you and you both fell asleep on the couch while he held you. the team knows that Luke sees you as a little sister and Reid is his little brother And that that night came from the purest of heart on Lukes and your part.

[notmorbid]

...lost child, pt. 2.

dialogue prompts from the story of the lost child by elena ferrante.

what do you know about ____ that i don't?

you think you can scare me?

some people are always saved, and some perish.

this city is dangerous. we have to go.

let's stay here. it will pass.

the outlines of things and people are delicate. they break like cotton thread.

i've always struggled to believe that life has firm boundaries.

what does that mean, 'protect'? it's only a word.

i was so afraid that i thought i was sick.

the only problem has always been the disquiet of my mind. i can't stop it.

that fabric that i weave by day is unraveled by night.

the terror remains. it's always in the crack between one normal thing and the other. it's there, waiting. i've always suspected it.

the ugliness of before was not supposed to be there anymore.

i can't manage to solidify myself around any goodwill.

_____ was right. i'm bad.

please, if i insult you, if i say ugly things to you, stop up your ears. i don't want to do it.

i wasn't well. i'm sorry. i filled your head with nonsense.

i know how i'm made.

you know what is behind my every word.

you're presumptuous. you always were.

people have to do what they feel like. otherwise, they get sick.

people are never happy alone.

better alone than in bad company.

lies are better than tranquilizers.

sometimes i don't know what to do with you.

you've always enjoyed disobedience.

i've always known about death, but i never thought it would happen to me.

even as a child, i knew i wasn't what the others thought. but i wasn't what i thought, either.

how would you act, in my place?

if they murder me, remember it was _____.

you've always been able to arrange things how you liked.

i didn't shed a tear, but the pain lasted for a long time.

i don't want to be a bigger burden than necessary.

you can't simply condemn. you have to get your hands dirty, if you want to change things.

you can't distinguish between a step forward, a step back, and standing still.

going home seems unthinkable.

all i do is make mistakes.

did you not even try to look for me?

if you have something to tell me, speak.

i know i'm mean to tell you these things, but ____ is the worst kind of meanness.

i wanted to tell you right away.

if they tell me to do a thing, i do it.

when you're in love, you forgive everything.

love not only doesn't have eyes; it doesn't have ears, either.

don't laugh.

i know i don't express myself well.

i'm trembling. can i sit next to you?

i want you now. this time only.

the hope of pleasure is the hardest to fulfill.

let me explain. it's essential. it's urgent.

i have confidence in you. you know what you're doing.

i told you, i don't understand anything.

i feel i'm in pieces, scattered all over.

i love you for how you are, your virtues and your flaws. everything.

i'm not with ____. i'm here.

you have the aura of a magician who casts spells and instills fear.

who are you, really?

i move things around in order to make them go the way i say.

didn't you say we have to change the neighborhood?

the law is fine, when you're dealing with people who pay attention if you merely say the word 'law'. but you know how it is here.

if people have no fear of the law, you have to instill the fear yourself.

do i not look like _____ anymore?

it's my fault. i don't know how to control myself.

i don't want to be photographed here.

you like talking shit?

[name] manipulates you, and you don't even realize it.

you're back already?

things are told or not told.

there's the chaos inside, and the chaos outside.

why do you act like that with me?

if there are any problems, telephone me, and i'll be right home.

i was sure you would know something.

let me take this moment to say goodbye.

you see ____ behind everything.

you wanted the law. the law has arrived.

it's not a question of love.

do what you think is best.

why should you be mad at me?

it's your life. you have the right to do what you want with it.

you don't know what freedom is.

i am continually in flight from my own body.

[cannibal-nightmares]

talking in tongues here Language and psychosis is so frustrating, and thats the topic of this post so this is going to be a bit jumbled. I'm going to write and not edit this much

physically Physically, it's very simple: sometimes it feels like it takes immense exertion to move your tongue to speak, to get your vocal chords to make noise. personally, sometimes it feels like the words feel like water spilling out out of your mouth. its exhausting to an extent I can't exactly describe.

internally Internally, it gets more complicated as it also applies to writing and also magical thinking. You have a lot of thoughts. A lot. And some of them dont even feel like your own. I've always described it as... Listening to your own internal ideas in your head, but theyre in a different language, and you have to translate them before saying them out loud. And then sometimes you get the translation wrong. Going back to physically, sometimes this means you stumble on your words and straight up accidentally say the wrong thing (anything from accidentally saying "chair" instead of "stair" because they sound similar, to utter nonsense that has no origin or relation), and sometimes it means mistranslating intention (not in emotionality--though that is an element at play--but in diction) idk if this is making any sense. Like saying "go right" when you were absolutely thinking and intending "go left." I think, similarly, an example is.. I can *barely* speak to my phone assistant. It's *really* difficult* for me to say out loud "Okay, Google, play 'Eternal Blue' by Spiritbox on Spotify," I just CANT get the thoughts in order. it's why I like going off-script. It's kind of faascinatiing when you see this happen in writing, though very time-consuming to catch and fix it all (too bad writing is one of my hobbies haha)

magical thinking here's the most prominent monster, in my opinion. Magical thinking and paranoia is what governs my writing and speech 100% of the time. One-hundred-percent-of-the-time. I know it plays a huge role in my introverted tendencies. it's where.. You say or write something and you think that because you've said it out loud or someone has heard it/read it, something will happen. This can be something so much as "I said the car will crash, so now it most definitely will" to, far more abstract, "I included the word 'granite' in describing something and now because i chose to use that word instead of something else, my food at home will be poisoned" (this is also a tell of OCD, btw).

anyways im making this post this because I think about having this discussion every time i mention things like "the geiger counter." Sometimes alternative wording feels safer to me. in this instance, "geiger counter" refers to "paranoia" or "I'm getting more paranoid." it gags me just to admit to it here. but I hope it paints a picture I know I'm missing some things I wanted to discuss (oof, there's an example, I wanted to use a different word other than "discuss" here), but everything is like static sludge rn. I hope this grants some insight to anyone.