#I quit my job to take a gap year due to health reasons

[myriad-of-things]

behold! the yugioh duel monsters english dub crimes and kill count list, up to episode 78 because that's where dice and I are in the show. I've set the sheet up so that all stats will increment automatically as I add more episodes

some fun facts:

Yami Bakura and Marik are currently tied for most crimes! But Yami Bakura tries to kill people more often (he's made 14 attempts, 6 of which were successful). Marik hasn't successfully killed anyone yet

The Pharaoh has the highest murder success rate (75%!) this number will go up once we watch s0

Joey is the show's punching bag (we already knew this) with 0 crimes committed to 11 crimes committed against him

Kaiba has the most crimes committed against his person (12), the majority of which are murder attempts (6). he also holds the record for the most attempts on his life

despite being a side character that doesn't actively duel, Téa has an alarming lot of crimes committed against her

the most popular crime is attempted murder! followed by actual murder! then it's kidnapping and mind control (shoutout for Marik for single-handedly carrying that stat)

disclaimer: it's a bit hard to separate crimes against Yugi from crimes against the Pharaoh. one could argue most of the crimes committed against Yugi were actually meant for the Pharaoh. it's also hard to gauge how many times people have tried to kill the Pharaoh, because every duel against him could be counted as attempted murder. as such, I'm counting attempted murder as actual, outside of card game murder. hence why Yugi has more attempts against him than the Pharaoh

[cosmicfleaux]

TRIGGER WARNING - mentions of abuse, brief description of suicidal ideation, general ableist fuckshit

HELP NEEDED- NEURODIVERGENT BLACK WOMAN WHO COULD BE KICKED OUT BY ABUSIVE AND ABLEIST FAMILY IN A COUPLE MONTHS

So my family has made it clear where they stand with respect to my mental health, well-being, and their expectations. Despite me continuously demonstrating how stressful and demanding work and college have been for me, despite my struggling for a year and a half to find a therapist/counselor/psychiatrist to meet my needs as a Black neurodivergent woman, despite the abdominal and back pain and fatigue I’m experiencing (aka a byproduct of years of anxiety-induced hyper-vigilance), despite the general fuckery of the world, it is still imperative for me to find a job within a couple months and begin contributing. Their reasoning is that plenty of people who are suffering (even those with terminal illnesses) manage to work.

I have been struggling with depression, anxiety and suicidal ideation throughout my childhood. It’s taken me a long while to observe the dysfunctional and debilitating dynamics present in my family, most notably with my covert narcissist mother. Up until late 2019, I was on the more “high-functioning” end of depression and anxiety (obviously in the capitalistic sense) in the sense that I constantly overwhelmed myself with full-time course loads in school, work weeks ranging from 20-40 hours, and all kinds of attempts at adulting and creative projects.

I’ve had a series of depressive episodes/burnout periods since moving back to my mother’s house in late 2019, resulting in severe weight loss and gastrointestinal issues. I’ve been dealing with classic narcissistic behavior—constant guilt-tripping and undermining/belittling/invalidation of my emotions and reality. While she expected me to serve as her emotional regulation/narcissistic supply, she was all kinds of quiet when it came to observing me starving and otherwise neglecting my physiological needs as I descended deeper into depression. Because of pressure from my mother, I briefly went back to work as an in-store grocery shopper, but began struggling with demotivation and suicidal thoughts. She has been able to procure remote work and not found herself needing financial help at all during this pandemic, but still shared that she felt I needed to contribute for the sake of contributing—so many implications that I am indebted to her because she birthed and clothed and raised me and all that bare minimum shit. When I told her I wanted to quit the shopper job because I was beginning to fantasize about throwing myself down the stairs so that I wouldn’t have to work or exist anymore, her response was, “Well, you need fo decide whether or not you’re going to your shift. What are you going to tell people about your resume gaps im the future?”

She constantly complained to my older sister about my perceived slights (aka symptoms of having depression and ADHD) in order to get my sister to have me correct my behavior. She liked to compare me to my father, who she split from when I was a baby, when she felt I was rejecting her (aka expressing individuality and not complying with her every order). This was also all happening amongst the backdrop of my grandmother’s health rapidly declining due to breast cancer and, you know, a public health crisis.

In July of 2020 I moved in with my grandfather (mother’s father) to get breathing space and begin taking care of my physical and mental health, only to find myself dealing with similar fuckery and emotional abuse. I try to isolate myself as much as possible for the sake of my health and peace, and this has been interpreted by my family as rejection—they have always been defensive and emotionally explosive when I try to have a respectful conversation about how some of their behaviors and expectations have been harmful. They diminished my diagnoses and my attempts to psycho-educate them. In their eyes, depression is a white person thing and I simply lack the resilience gene that allows black people to simply “push through” various forms of disenfranchisement.

I have not been able to receive government aid due to not meeting certain qualifications and struggling to find help (case managers, social workers, etc.) that will actually provide genuine assistance to complete exceedingly overwhelming and triggering paperwork. I have done all kinds of gig stuff at the expense of my 20-year-old car. I’ve found myself so overwhelmed while trying to self-advocate in various spaces (medical, psychiatric, domestic), that I’ve begun to stammer when especially distressed. I have crying spells throughout the day. I vascillate between scrambling to create accommodations for myself to get my to-do list done and hibernation mode. I struggle to meet my needs (maintaining hygiene, preparing food and grocery shopping). I’ve reached out to a few resources with help looking for jobs for those with disabilities, but I’m in the middle of the harrowing process applying for disability so I don’t know when I will have access to accommodations.

But to be honest, I’m tired of putting myself through the process of job search stuff when I’m already crumbling under the weight of trying to find resources to get away from my abusive and ableist family, meeting my needs despite debilitating mental illnesses, and self-advocating and dealing with bureaucratic mess. I’m not sure I can get a job and maintain it in the time given, and my grandfather has threatened to throw me out of his house before.

I have very little savings left and asking my family for help has only led to ridicule and deeply invasive and controlling behavior. I want to thank everyone who’s shared my previous posts and sent donations, and urge you to continue passing this along because I might be homeless in a couple of months and agonizing about it every day is…a lot.

I’m on a waitlist for a housing situation and am worried about moving expenses, food, my phone bill, car insurance and whatever I may procure medically because I’m seeing a gastroenterologist and health through Medi-Cal has been abysmal, to say the least.

CashApp/Venmo/PayPal: cosmicah44

$439/$3000

Please signal boost !!!!

[lucifers-daughterr]

Modern | Aro & Sulpicia

artist : fabian perez  [ i highly recommend checking out his works, they are honestly one of the most amazing pieces i’ve seen, truly incredible ] 

a. ― m. sheen

s. ― m. belluci

disclaimer : it is the first time I write something like this. It's my headcanon for modern au of Sulpicia and Aro, but I also briefly touch the topic of Marcus and Didyme (which will be covered in a few days). I am aware that Aro is in fact, not Italian and that Sulpicia isn’t British. You might not agree with my portrayal of the characters, but I am asking to please be respectful. I am not a native English speaker so there might be grammar mistakes (sorry Aro please don’t unalive me). Enjoy! :)

Sulpicia comes from a very old, well-established family. From young age she has been privately tutored until she reached age when she could be sent to a boarding school. It has been a wonderful convenience for her parents, since it allowed them to travel for business reasons more often. She has received a Bachelors degree in Psychological and Behavioural Sciences from Cambridge followed by two Master degrees from London School of Economics — one in Economics and second in Public Relations. Since then she pursued a career as a lobbyist in the United Kingdom. Both her personal and her family’s connections combined with extreme determination and understanding of dynamics between politicians and private companies, made her one of the most successful women in the mostly male-dominated field. In her free time, Sulpicia enjoys fencing and opera. When someone invites her for a friendly golf play, she rarely refuses. For a long time she has wished for a dog. Unfortunately, her busy schedule and constant travelling make her unable to properly take care of one. Her guilty pleasure are sweet, romantic movies — she loves watching them with a glass of wine and always tears up when there is a happy ending. However, she also doesn’t mind listening to a good old fashioned crime podcast while getting ready.

┗━━━━━━༻❁༺━━━━━━┛

┗━━━━━━༻❁༺━━━━━━┛

Aro, unlike Sulpicia, comes from a broken middle class Italian family. Constant juggling between his parents’ new homes made him mature quickly. He has learned to become his own friend, as well as a parent. Switching schools from young age didn’t exactly help him with maintaining meaningful long-term friendships. Since early childhood he was a very curious creature with insatiable appetite for knowledge. Constantly learning and researching fascinating things that he came across. He passed final high school exams with the highest marks, despite being mostly self-taught. Due to his poor health, he couldn’t attend school as regularly as his peers. After high school, he took a gap year to focus on learning English and Greek, all while working as a waiter and freelance writer on the side. Next year, he decided to study law for Bachelor and later ― Masters degree. He was always fascinated by origins of legal systems and especially the relation between a crime and a punishment. After receiving his Master’s degree he pursued a career in politics, becoming the youngest elected vice-president of the Italian High Council of the Judiciary (consiglio superiore della magistratura). He has strong interest in arts, especially architecture and theatre. His secretaries arrange invitations for auctions all over the world, so he can purchase another valuable art piece for his personal collection. Unfortunately, due to his high expectations and quite eccentric personality, secretaries tend to be replaced, sometimes a few times over the course of a year. As for personal life, he did have relationships with a few fashion designers and more meaningful one with a certain paediatric surgeon. Unfortunately the affair has ended shortly after the doctor got offered a job in one of Seattle’s teaching hospitals. 

┗━━━━━━༻❁༺━━━━━━┛

One day Aro has attended a fundraising event, hosted by Sulpicia’s family in one of their lavish mansions. She was in fact, the main speaker during the gala, also presenting items for the charity auction. At first he didn’t really pay attention to her, as his interest was mostly focused on the beautiful art piece the woman was presenting. It was a wonderful Rubens’ painting. He got discouraged when the price of the artwork reached a higher amount that he originally intended to spend. Eventually, he decided it was worth the price and right after the auctioneer’s fair warning he raised his paddle. At his convenience, no one increased the bidding.

As he stood up, being the winning bidder, his eyes met with the woman on stage. Instantly he was mesmerised by her presence. He was watching her the whole time, but he didn’t see her. When the auction ended he decided to approach her, striking a conversation about the gala. She knew, of course, it wasn’t the real reason he came up to her. Regardless, she decided to further engage in the conversation as her companion was quite knowledgable in the topics of her interest. As the night went on she grew rather fond of the dark haired man. They conversed about politics, arts and common friends. During his leisure hours, or “night time” as he referred to them, he sponsored many artists and happily observed their careers thriving. To her surprise, Aro’s sister was a teacher in elementary school close to her parents’ house in Florence. Apparently she was married to a history professor and they had three children together. By the end of the event Aro and Sulpicia got quite drunk, keeping each other’s company for the past few hours. The night eventually became a morning and alas, the gala has come to an end. Both Aro and Sulpicia weren’t fond of this fact, but they had their own responsibilities and work duties. After both arrived to their homes, they realised none on them has other’s contact information. It was very unfortunate, since they hoped to meet each other again. 

As the months have passed, Sulpicia’s memory of an attractive stranger became foggy. To be fair, she always moved on quickly and had the ability to forget situations that didn’t exactly go as she planned. That was until one day she came home to find a bouquet of red roses, wrapped in dark ribbon. She picked them up, curious about the sender’s identity. There was a little white card attached to the velvet cloth. Her hazel eyes opened wide as she read:

“I was hoping to see you again”

 ― Night time patron of arts 

           +39 0393 7511779

[fuck-customers]

So I guess my GM thinks I'm going crazy and I might not get the promotion or respect I'm due because of it.

Backstory: I've worked in and out of fast food for close to ten years now. I've worked at this specific Wacdonalds for four with a year and a half gap in between where I found a better job, then lost it during covid. The reason I left the first time was because I had a mental breakdown. I had to go to a psych ward for a week where the psychiatrist and therapist stressed to me that my job was such a huge stressor on my life that I needed to find a new one for my own safety and agreeing to do that was part of my evaluation for them feeling comfortable releasing me. I did go back after that for a few months but on a limited basis. I didn't do service, I dropped down from being a manager in training back to normal crew, my hours were reduced, and I started seeing a therapist. Unfortunately I was still owed money where I hadn't been properly paid for six months and my supervisor said Wacdonalds didn't do backpay. That was the final push I needed to go elsewhere.

Of course, it's always something going wrong and I lost my new job during covid. I tried finding something else and ended up jobless doing a very, very low paying babysitting gig for six months ($30 a day for a 7 to 8 hour day). Well, recently I ended up needing to get an apartment and needed an actual job. Only fast food was hiring and Wacdonalds was just the easiest thing,  especially when it's all the same in my experience. The company who owned the franchise had changed but the same bitch supervisor was there. The GM was on maternity leave.

The first couple months were a STRUGGLE. Short staffed, poorly organized, no AC, managers were quitting without notice, closers were just not showing up. I felt so bad for the assistant gm who was running the show because she worked about every day and every day she walked into bad news. She did her best but the other gms who were supposed to be helping her were making it very obvious how much they didn't want to help and how big an inconvenience every little thing was. Still, she wasn't bad and she did her best to do right by the employees and that was refreshing.

The GM came back from maternity leave at the beginning of the month. People told me some stories about how she was kind of heartless, like telling a crying teenager who had just been called a bitch in drive thru to get over it. I wanted to give her a fair shake but tbh, I'm really done trying to outlast the horrible managers. I've been doing it for years and it's a part of the reason my stress was so bad. I came from a very abusive home and I've always been they'd put  protector, so it's ingrained in me, but I just don't want to anymore and decided if that GM was going to treat me poorly, I'd put my foot down.

I work nights so I've only had two interactions with her. The first was when I had tried to reduce my availability to not include closing. We just came off of weeks without any closers and I covered every single night. We also are now closing at 11 and I don't have a car but I do have a two mile walk, so I don't want to do that. I was pulled aside and told my pay would be cut for it and that was the policy. I know that, but having been told it again felt more like a threat and I had just finished helping everyone out of a tough spot, so it felt really insulting. Especially since it's the third time I've tried to do something for my own health and have had my pay threatened. Again, I was an MIT, I'm certified in food safety, and I've been expected to train people in the few months I came back but I'm being paid the same rate as a teenager who joined yesterday.

So I went to the GM and explained this. She kept interrupting me and assuming what I was saying then responding with the typical cookie cutter bs. "Well that's what the owners want." And "This is a policy decided on by blah blah blah." She clearly wasn't listening and she clearly was not going to go out of her way to help an employee. So I just shrugged my shoulders and concluded she was a dead end. This was confirmed when the assistant came to me about the conversation and told me that the GM walked about with not only a different idea about what I had said, but straight up lied about some of the contents. I told her I didn't think I could talk to the GM after that at all.

Recently a sign was out up asking for people to sign up if they wanted a promotion. I signed up as a trainer because it's something I already get asked to do, I'm one of the few people who still know proper procedures, and frankly I'm overqualified. I want the raise and I don't want to be used as a trainer without being paid to be one. 

Well, last night the assistant closed with us and we got into a conversation about the GM. She admitted to telling the GM what I said about not thinking I could talk to her and the GM allegedly said it was because I had just repeated the same thing. Now I get it, I ramble at times, but this was clearly not the case when the only thing she got out of the conversation wasn't what I had talked to her about. It's hard to stay on track when you're A) supposed to be working on table and B) keep getting interrupted by the person who is supposed to be listening. I said that felt like an excuse to not take what I said seriously. The assistant then told me that the GM didn't want to promote me to trainer because she thought I was "going crazy" and the assistant went to bat for me. The GM told her if I failed it was on the assistant... which again feels like an excuse to not take accountability. 

At the time I made a joke that I was going crazy clearly we had just had a half hour discussion on how to hide a body, but a few minutes later admitted how upset the comment made me. My mental health battle has been uphill. I try to be as open as possible with it because I don't want it to be this shameful secret. I got help I needed. I know if I don't talk about it when it comes up, I will feel ashamed because I'm not the person who fully appreciates help or can easily ask for it. I know a lot of people in my job NEED to have similar help but don't say anything. Sometimes I play it up, being a little unhinged but mostly in times of stress because jokes are how I cope. It's clearly a joke. When I'm not joking I'm serious and quiet. I do jokes and act like a dork because that's how I help people feel comfortable around me. I want people to laugh, even when I haven't felt all that happy in some time. When people take it for granted, mostly because they have spent five minutes to get to know me, then it hurts. I try really hard to not let me convince myself that I'm actually just irreparably broken and going crazy. 

I don't want to fail my assistant who is being convinced she's putting her neck out for me, but I also think it's a sign to go elsewhere. 

[cudan2]

One Last Surgery

Spring Break Shadowing Part 5.1

Carlisle Cullen x Reader

Word Count: 2,043

Summary: You finally find out the reason for going to the children’s hospital, but you’re more distracted than usual today and Dr. Cullen can tell. 

A/N: Tell me why part 5 of SBS takes up over half of the whole series? I’ve had this sitting in my drafts for 5 months because I keep adding more to it smh. Now it’s too long so I’ve decided to split it up into 3 parts (in addition to parts 6 and 7). I’m making the final edits the rest of this part now - 5.2 should be posted in like two days.

Anyways, this is technically the beginning of  #1 and #2 on my headcanon list.

Masterlist

XXX

Morgan Stanley Children’s Hospital is only across the street from Doctor Cullen’s office, but it seems to take forever to get there. You trail the doctor like a lost puppy through a skyway and a series of corridors before eventually reaching the right building. Different is definitely an understatement.

Gone are the linoleum-tiled floors, the abstract paintings lining the hallways, and the stark white walls. Instead, there are bright colors everywhere you look. Artwork featuring various galaxies and planets scatter throughout the hospital, and giant stars are imprinted along the floors; even the whole atmosphere just feels different.

You don’t get much time to analyze the differences though. Doctor Cullen is wasting no time to reach the destination, and his long legs aren’t making it any easier to keep up.

“Not that I don’t like surprises, but any chance you can tell me what we’re doing in the children’s hospital now?”

“Impatient, are we?” Doctor Cullen chuckles. He stops at an elevator and pushes the up button, only giving into your question once he catches a glimpse of your pout. “Alright, you win. Are you familiar with a cleft palate or cleft lip?”

The elevator dings, the doors sliding open with it. You shake your head no and get on the elevator with him. He presses the button for the floor and then leans against the wall, arms outstretched on the handrail, and gives you an explanation. 

“A cleft is a gap or split occurring in the roof of the mouth, upper lip, or both. It is due to improper joining of the tissue during fetal development. There are no definitive known causes as of right now, but it’s believed that the environment and genetics can play a role.

The hospital has its own craniofacial team, but I was asked to join this particular case given its more complicated nature. Hanna became one of the first patients I treated when I came to Columbia,” Doctor Cullen finishes fondly, a smile gracing his lips.

“What makes this case complicated?” you ask.

“Hanna was born with a bilateral complete cleft lip and palate, meaning her lip cleft is two-sided and continues into her nose. It took quite a few surgeries to repair the lip, but now the next step is to repair the palate.”

The elevator reaches the floor and dings. You follow Doctor Cullen out and continue prodding him with more questions, which he is more than eager to answer. It’s incredible how knowledgeable he is. Granted, it is his job to know these things, but you couldn’t begin to imagine yourself being able to even scratch the surface of these topics, not to mention give a mini lecture on it.

You’re soon standing at the door to a patient room while the doctor asks Hanna’s parents if you can observe. They readily agree, and Doctor Cullen motions for you to come in.

Inside the room, you see an infant that can’t be more than a year old – Hanna.  She’s sitting upright on the bed, leaning against who you assume to be her father. You notice two fading scars going up into her nose above her lip. Her mother is waving a stuffed toy around her, but Hanna’s attention is fixated on the blonde doctor.

“Y/N, allow me to introduce you to Hanna’s parents, Anthony and Linh Pham. And this is Doctor Giselle Adamou, who will be working with me on the surgery,” Doctor Cullen gestures to the older doctor in the room.

“It’s nice to meet you all,” you say politely.

Pre-op goes differently than what you’ve gotten used to observing this week. There is no case presenting given the lack of residents on the case. If anything, this is what you would expect out of a non-teaching hospital.

Doctor Cullen re-explains the procedures to Hanna’s parents, but halfway through, Hanna crawls to the end of the bed where Doctor Cullen is and attempts to stand, arms outstretched as if to say, “Up! Up!” Bewilderment is not a word you would have associated with him, and yet you catch the brief widening of his eyes that betray his usually calm demeanor.

“I think she wants you to hold her,” Linh comments.

“I can see,” Doctor Cullen muses. ��Do you mind?”

“She’s all yours.” Linh picks her daughter up from the bed and hands her to the doctor. The sound of Hanna’s elated laughter fills the room, and you can’t stop a small smile from appearing on your own face. A cute baby and a gorgeous doctor? You don’t know who to thank for the sight.

Meanwhile, Hanna starts playing with various pens in Doctor Cullen’s breast pocket while Doctor Adamou continues where her colleague left off. You try to pay attention, you really do. Like Hanna though, your attention lies on someone else, and that someone else happens to be Doctor Cullen.

The more you study him, the more the minute features you never noticed about him before seem to pop out to you. Under the bright fluorescent lighting of the hospital, the dark purple circles under his eyes are more apparent than ever. How ironic for the preacher of health to lack sleep himself. His eyes, which you normally consider to be a vivid golden, are darker than you initially thought them to be. They are liquid pools of dark amber, speckled with dustings of gold and flecks of black. There isn’t a single blemish on his face that you can see either, further confirming your belief that this man is truly the most attractive person you have ever met. Either that or he must have one hell of a skincare routine.

It’s unnerving how young his appearance is. Skincare and diet can only do so much for a person, right? Doctor Cullen has to be at least 35 at the minimum, yet he could easily pass off as someone from your own school.

“Any last minute questions?” you hear Doctor Adamou ask and snap back into reality. By missing nearly everything the older doctor talked about, you already know you’ll be so screwed if and when Doctor Cullen decides to interrogate you on this case.

Neither parent has anything left to say, so Doctor Cullen gives a reluctant Hanna back to her mother. She lets out a cry and his expression softens.

“I know, sweetheart. I’ll miss you too, but I need to get ready for your big surgery, okay? I promise you’ll see me again in a few hours.” His soothing voice does wonders for her. In an instant, Hanna quiets down and her frown is replaced with giggles and smiles again. She waves the two of you off, and you both take your leave with Doctor Adamou trailing behind you. You’re not even halfway out the door yet when Doctor Cullen starts testing your knowledge again.

“Y/N, what procedure will we be doing to repair Hanna’s cleft?” 

You do not have this one in the bag whatsoever. You wrack your brain for information that could help you, but Doctor Adamou interjects before you get a chance to say anything.

“Why does it not surprise me that you’re treating students like interns already, Carlisle?”

“I am merely advancing the education of next generation’s doctors,” he responds.

“Whatever you say,” she laughs. “Don’t scare off Y/N though, or we won’t have any doctors left in the next generation.” She turns to you after picking up files from a nearby counter and says, “You come running to me if he pushes you too hard, alright?”

You grin. “For sure.”

“Good. I look forward to seeing you both in the OR,” she says before heading off.

You like Doctor Adamou. Each surgeon you’ve met here so far has had such different personalities, yet each also has the charisma and confidence to take control of a room and command respect. You, on the other hand, could barely get your own friends to listen to your own words. How are you ever going to get on the level of all the amazing doctors around you?

“She saved you there,” Doctor Cullen comments, leafing through Hanna’s charts as he walks you into an empty elevator to the operating floor. Oops, it’s just your luck that he noticed your lack of attention during the pre-op. “It’s unlike you to be distracted. Penny for your thoughts?”

The elevator doors shut, and he looks up from the chart, his eyes falling onto yours. He has that twinkle in his eyes again – the one that brings warmth to your cheeks and could make anyone weak in their knees. You know it’s silly, but a single look from him could make you spill any of your deepest and darkest secrets, yet a part of you also knows that he would keep it. You’re not naïve – you know it’s dangerous to put so much faith into a man you only met this week – but there’s something about him that told your instincts to trust him from the very beginning.

Call it intuition, or maybe it’s just plain stupidity, but you sure as hell aren’t going to tell him about how you got distracted because of his pretty face.

You hesitate for a moment and let out a sigh. “How do you do it?” He quirks a brow, momentarily perplexed, and you attempt to find the right words. “How do you make all of this look so easy? How do you know what the right thing to say is? Or trust that what you’re doing is even right? How did you know if this was all meant for you? This is really dumb, but it seems like everyone here was born for this job, and then there’s... me.”

There’s a slight sense of dread starting to form in your stomach. You’re unsure if what you asked even made any sort of sense and wonder if you gave too much away. Giving any reason to second guess your abilities is like digging your own grave when it comes to this career. Expressing uncertainty is one of the biggest taboos of the cutthroat world that is pre-med because schools would not accept students that aren’t absolutely, totally, and completely sure about this path.

You’ve wanted this for so long, yet there’s still a part of you that doubts if you would be enough.

Rather than going straight to gowning and scrubbing in for the surgery, Doctor Cullen grabs your hand and leads you down to an abandoned hallway, only letting go once the two of you are hidden in an alcove away from any prying ears or eyes.

“What are you doing? Shouldn’t you be getting ready for surgery?”

“We have a few minutes to spare. Y/N, please know that I understand how you feel,” he says softly. “There was a time when I questioned my own abilities as well… whether my perseverance could overcome adversity. It took quite some time to reach where I am today.  However, without enduring those trials and tribulations, I would not be here. With time comes experience, and it is that experience that allows me to perform my job the best I can.”

His voice reminds you of a gentle breeze, rustling the leaves of a tree on a cool summer night when he continues speaking in hushed tones. It brings a blanket of reassurance, a sense that things would eventually be alright.

“I have said this before, but I see enormous potential in you. You still have a great deal of time to grow and develop your skills. It’s easy to get caught up in comparing yourself with others, especially given today’s societal standards, but I believe you are much more capable than you may think you are. Everyone’s journey is different and yours may not necessarily be as linear as you would prefer. In due time though, I have faith that you will succeed.”

What he says is exactly what you needed to hear.

The swell of tears pricks at your eyes and start blurring your vision, but you blink them away quickly, fighting the urge to wrap your arms around the doctor. 

“Thank you, Doctor Cullen.” Your voice is barely above a whisper.

“You’re very welcome. Now, I believe there’s a little girl waiting on us.” 

XXX

Tag List - Message me to be added or removed to either this series or the rest of my fics!

@jelly-fishy-babie @notahappytree @anxiousgoldengirl

[missmentelle]

COVID-19, Inequality, and You

This pandemic has been a bad time in a lot of ways, but one of the most devastating impacts we’re going to see besides the death toll is the economic impact - the economic impact on real, working people, not on stock index numbers. Unemployment rates are skyrocketing, and people are being thrown into financial chaos as a result. 

But for all the talk we’ve heard during this pandemic of “we’re all in this together”, and “we’re all in the same boat”, it’s important to remember that, financially, we’re really, really not. Job losses, evictions and health crises are not equally distributed; if anything, this pandemic has been a stark reminder of inequality as the wealth gap grows wider and wider. 

My own life has been a weird cross-section of the ways that the pandemic has economically affected different people in very different ways - my mother has completely lost her job at a seasonal tourist restaurant that will likely go out of business, my brother’s hours at his campus security job have been cut as the school moves online, my boyfriend is seeing his savings rise as he goes out less but makes exactly the same salary at his financial tech job, and I’ve fielded multiple job offers through this pandemic as government grants for social services boom in my region in anticipation of a coming homelessness crisis.  

The news has been reporting on unemployment numbers and shuttered businesses, but there hasn’t been a lot of in-depth coverage about the ways that this is really going to affect people’s lives. There will be a lot of unexpected consequences to this pandemic if governments don’t step in to provide relief, including:

‘Eviction freezes’ are throwing tenants into debt without protecting their housing. Many places have put moratoriums on evictions during the pandemic, which is great. You don’t want a sudden surge in mass homelessness during a pandemic. But “no evictions” does not mean “no rent” - people who are currently being protected from eviction are still being charged rent, and their arrears are growing every month. As soon as eviction protections expire - which is set to happen very soon in many places - landlords can move forward with evicting tenants, going after their back rent, sending their debt to collection agencies and destroying their credit scores. 

A lot of people are about to lose most of their possessions. If you get evicted, your parents or friend might have room for you to move in with them for a while. They probably do not have room for your couch, dresser, bed, table, desk, bookshelves, TV and an entire apartment full of stuff. Putting your things in storage is an option, but you need to be able to pack and transport all of your things to the storage unit and pay for the unit every month. You could try selling the stuff you can’t take with you, but it may be difficult with so many other people also struggling financially, and you may have to leave on short notice. A lot of people who get evicted will end up abandoning a lot of their stuff, which they’ll have to re-purchase all over again to get back on their feet. 

People with low wages are disproportionately likely to lose their jobs. If you work as a software engineer, you’re probably still employed. If you work as a hotel maid, there’s a good chance you’ve lost your job or had your hours cut to nearly nothing. The jobs that are most impacted by shutdowns are jobs in the service and hospitality industry, and they tend to be low-wage, hourly jobs that cannot be done from home - bartenders, servers, hotel clerks, and dishwashers are way more likely to have lost their jobs than lawyers, accountants, engineers and college professors. In many ways, the people who are getting kicked the hardest right now are the ones who could least afford it. 

Not every university will survive this pandemic. With a lot of universities and colleges scrambling to figure out whether to have in-person fall semesters, the future of a lot of post-secondary institutions looks bleak. Many students are choosing to take a year off or defer their admission rather than deal with online courses that have been haphazardly thrown together. On top of that, it’s not clear if international students will be able to attend university abroad this year, or if they even want to take the risk. This adds up to a whole lot of lost tuition money, leaving some universities with no way to keep operating - at least one American university has already permanently closed its doors because of the pandemic. The big players - Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Columbia - will probably pull through, but smaller colleges are at serious risk of going under, leaving their students in limbo and at risk of not finishing their disrupted degrees. 

A lot of people are about to go from “poor” to “disabled”. The people most likely to contract coronavirus are the workers who have to interact with the public every day - not only nurses and doctors, but grocery store workers, delivery people, ride-sharing and taxi drivers, transit workers and janitorial staff. Those who survive are at risk of life-long complications of coronavirus, including permanently reduced lung capacity - that’s not great when you need to work a physically demanding job. A lot of people are about to find themselves in a situation where they are no longer able to do their jobs due to a virus that they contracted because of their jobs. 

Many women’s careers may never recover from this. Daycares and schools are closed, and women are bearing the brunt of it. In a world where women still tend to earn less than male partners, it’s women’s careers that have taken a backseat when things get rough. Even when both partners are working from home, women are the ones overwhelmingly taking on most of the domestic and child-rearing chores, which hurts their work performance and leaves them more vulnerable to layoffs. And that’s a relatively privileged position to be in - without childcare services available, many working moms and single moms have had to quit their jobs, whether they could afford it or not, because they have no other options for their children. This kind of career disruption is something that these women may never totally recover from, especially as they try to re-enter an increasingly hostile job market. 

Black and brown people are the most affected by rising unemployment. People of colour - especially immigrants and women of colour - are facing higher rates of unemployment than other groups. Hispanic and Latina women are in particularly dire circumstances, which is alarming, as they are also the most likely to be dealing with an uncertain immigration status. People of colour - particularly women - are disproportionately likely to work in industries that have been impacted by the pandemic, like the hospitality, food service, retail, child care, beauty and personal care industries, and they face systemic racism that makes it difficult for them to advocate for safe working conditions or access adequate medical care. 

College and tourist towns are at risk of complete economic meltdown. A lot of towns or small cities depend on their local university or annual tourism to survive. A huge crowd of strangers flocks to their town for a few months per year and gives local businesses the money they need to pay for necessities year-round. My hometown is one of these places - most businesses are only open from May - September, and they make enough money during that time for everyone to scrape by for the rest of the year. Those tourists aren’t coming this year, which is something that locals have only learned as they begin to run out of last year’s money. You don’t need to work for a university or a hotel to be impacted by school and tourism shutdowns - the ripple effects will be felt by entire communities. 

Escaping domestic violence will be difficult even after lockdown ends. It’s not exactly a secret that domestic violence has skyrocketed since the global pandemic began, a fact that many experts attribute to the fact that everyone is trapped indoors together and under a lot of stress. But even as lockdown regulations start to lift in areas that handled the pandemic responsibly, victims of domestic violence will face higher-than-usual barriers to escape - many victims may have lost their jobs and burned through their savings, and may have difficulty finding a new job that can finance their escape. Victims with health issues may also be wary about going to shelters for fear they will be further exposed to the virus. 

Poor children will fall even further behind their upper-middle-class peers. I come from a part of rural eastern Canada where reliable internet access is simply not available. So for young children in the region, school effectively ended in March - they do not have the resources needed to connect to online learning. And children from rural areas aren’t the only ones missing out - more than half of all students in the United States aren’t accessing their online classes regularly, and marginalized kids are especially likely to be absent. Poor kids are staring down the barrel of an enormous education gap; they are less likely to have a stable internet connection and a device for their online learning, they are less likely to have books at home, and their parents are more likely to be essential workers who still have to go to work right now and don’t have time to teach them. Middle-class and wealthy families can afford laptops, educational software, tutors, books and time at home to educate their children - when schools are eventually back in session, the gaps between children from different socioeconomic backgrounds will probably be the widest they’ve ever been. 

Don’t get me wrong - I am not arguing that we should end lockdowns prematurely to ease the economic impact. Public health measures exist for good reason, and I don’t think any of us want to even imagine, much less live through, the personal, physical and economic devastation of letting a pandemic rage out of control and melt down our healthcare systems. Despite what many people seem to believe, managing a global pandemic is not about “health vs. economy” - letting the virus rage out of control and kill millions would devastate every economic and social system we have. The preservation of human life has to come first.

What we need instead is comprehensive action to recognize and address the issues that come with long-term quarantines and economic shutdown - we need rent relief, social safety nets and basic assured income programs to get our most vulnerable friends and neighbors through this pandemic. The world will probably never return to the “normal” that we knew before the pandemic struck, and it shouldn’t - it’s time for a new, better normal that doesn’t leave our most marginalized people behind. 

[emilx311]

Life Update

Hey all, so I pretty much vanished off the internet for the past few months (whoops sorry about that) but things have been crazy irl! Here’s a bit of a summary for those who were wondering what happened to me:

So, for context sake a few fun facts about me. I work as a night auditor at a hotel and have done so since August 2019, I graduated Uni with a degree in Justice Studies in 2018, and I have several minor but chronic health issues that lead to me being very low energy-ie having less spoons than a normal person and needing more sleep.

Aside from the issues already inherent with 2020′s....everything we had several more personal issues at my (I say my because I work there) motel. Mainly around staffing, and especially around night audit staffing.

Since I was hired we’ve gone through 5 or 6 other night auditors (I think? maybe more). And they often.....quit with barely any notice. So, being our only consistent night auditor I’ve been called in last minute several times over the past year leading to 6 or even 7 day weeks. (Not Fun!)

Even when we have had another trained night auditor with us they often also do day shifts since we only need them for 2 nights a week. Turn over for day-shift people has been barely lower than turn over for night shift, which has led to them having to be called in last minute to cover day shifts when people left which means I also had to be called in last minute to cover the night shifts they were no longer able to do, leading to us all working 6 or even 7 day weeks (Super Not Fun!)

In summary: I’ve worked more overtime days than I have had vacation days in this last year. Heck, the last time I tried to go on vacation for like 5 days I got called in every other day and my boss (our regional manager) paid me double for the shifts I worked and refused to touch my vacation pay because even he acknowledged that was in no way a real vacation at that point (this was at the beginning of September btw...)

This was all compounded when our general manager (gm) left in late July. Her reason for leaving was super fair since she got a better job offer, similar pay to what she was making, less work since she would no longer have to do all the duties our boss should have been doing but was instead pushing off unto her. Super sad to see her go but wished her the best (still miss her) :(

This left our under manager (gsm) and me as the main people in the hotel (ie those who have been there the longest, only the gsm and housekeepers had been there longer than I had at that point-and I had not even reached my 1 year yet). Which, not super great, but the other people we had were okay so we would manage. So the gsm and I held things together and started basically running the hotel (shout out to the gsm here because I love her and she is actually like 5 years younger than me but has accomplished so much more, I am in constant awe of her tbh). Our boss (who is....kind of dumb sometimes) realized this. We became his golden girls (he plays favorites hard).

It is at that point that someone above our boss’s level in the company (he’s in charge locally, but we do belong to a large corporation, ah capitalism) hired disaster #1 as our first new gm. Disaster #1 was creepily cheerful and utterly dismayed to find out his job actually involved him doing work! Like working at the front desk during his shifts and doing manager stuff instead of it just being him sitting in the back looking important and giving us encouragement occasionally. He payed no attention to his training. He did very little of his basic work let alone the manager stuff. He took credit and praised “the team” whenever something went right and pushed blame off him unto everyone else as hard as he could when something went wrong (I once pointed out he forgot to do something and he legit said to me “can you prove it was me?” I said “yes” very firmly.)

Now, as the auditor my job is to spot, point out, and fix errors. He hated coming in to to work after me because I spotted and pointed out everything he missed or did incorrectly. At first just because I happened to notice them. Then it became personal, he cornered me one morning at shift change and told me that he dreaded coming in to work after me because I was always so critical, and he had so much to do during his shifts other than just front desk stuff (he did not, most of the “manager” stuff he was even trained in doing at this point he shoved off unto the gsm) he then disparaged the gsm. I was done, I was pissed (you do not say mean things about my gsm, nope, not okay, I will cut and slab you*) and kind of hurt (why are you taking my corrections as personal attacks? Why are you saying I’m mean for doing my job?) So, if he wanted to make it personal I decided to make it personal and made it my mission to find and point out everything he did wrong, no more overlooking small things as I had been. The pressure of actually having to work made him quit (shocking, not!).

It was also around this time that I signed up for an LSAT prep course. Because I hate myself and now that I’ve been working for a couple years and have some money saved up I want to follow through on my plan to get either a Law Degree or a Masters Degree and so am working on taking the LSAT and applying to law schools. No, studying has not been going well, time and energy have also been preventing that.

Fast forward a couple months and 2 of our best employees went on holiday (one they had scheduled months before). It’s the start of January, they will be gone for two months. In that time our boss had hired our next gm, idiot #2. Just as these two leave the other front desk person we’d been training quits with no notice. We are short staffed....again (yay more 6 and 7 day weeks, ack). To fill in this gap our boss brings in idiot #3 from one of the other 2 hotels in the area our company owns.

Idiot #2 is semi okay, he is not manager material, even months after he was hired to be gm he does not have the training and is basically just a front desk agent. He is bad about doing things himself unless you specifically direct him to with very clear instructions, but he can do the minimum (although he failed the coffee test. After idiot #1 I wrote out very, VERY specific instructions for how to clean our coffee station....he is not able to follow them. The gsm and I joked about the coffee test after I first wrote the instructions, that someone actually failed it....we despair). So, he does not think ahead, do any extra, or solve many problems but at least he rarely creates problems.

This brings us to idiot #3. I do not know what goes on in his head (very little likely) but man oh man. Some examples: the time he-after being asked like 4 times-actually sign off on the checklist after cleaning the laundry room (as everyone is supposed to once a shift) but did so in sharpie instead of one of the many dry-erase markers left around the front desk for no other reason than the clearly laminated sign off sheet. Or the time he decided on his own to give someone a satisfaction refund, far larger than it should have been (which only managers and those with special permission can do in any of the hotels, so he should know better but somehow....)

We have a book for front desk to write messages on about issues for the next people. Usually we have a note or two on any given day. Pretty much every day he worked it was full and even going onto the next page. Idk how, it’s like he touched something and issues sprung up. and Guess who got to be the one to fix all of them (woooo).

For the past few weeks I have had 2 days a week where the only people who worked were me and idiots #2 and #3. It’s been horrible. In addition, my days off were changed for these months so I haven’t been able to meet my one bubble inclusive friend to vent like we usually do once a week, because that time no longer fit in my schedule. I have been living in exhaustive hell for the past couple months, and even before that as I tried to lighten the gsm’s load as much as I could as she took on a lot of the gm stuff. My house is a mess, tbh my life is a mess because work has left me so tired and stressed that I basically get home, shower, collapse onto bed, read a bit, sleep, wake-up, find some sort of food, get ready for work, go to work, and repeat. Even on my days off I’m sleeping 75% of the time and resting to try and shore up my spoons (of which I already have fewer than most people) to get through the work week.

tl;dr Due to ridiculousness I ended up unofficially co-running a hotel and it’s sucked up so much of my energy that all my free time is pretty much spent sleeping just to ensure I’m able to get through my work weeks semi-functionally. Everything about my life has been a mess, to the point where I’m legit not sure how I’ve been keeping myself fed, clean, on meds and just generally....alive.

[the-hidden-writer]

An Odd Family Tree

A series of snippets from the lives of the FitzSimmons family, set post 7x13. Also, the series of events that lead up to the birth of their grandson.

Available to read on AO3 and FF.net.

Comments make my day!

Chapter 26: Ever After

“So please, just tell me once and for all… who did I name my son after?”

Jemma turned to Fitz for help, she truly didn’t know what to say, but her husband was still frozen in his place, his mouth moving but not quite managing to form words.

So it was up to her, then. She took a deep breath- if she was going to tell her daughter the truth, then she might as well tell her everything rather than insult her intelligence.

“Alya, d-darling, do you remember the mission we told you about? The one where we were sent to the future to save the world from getting torn apart?”

Alya was quiet for a few moments before she replied. “I remember.”

“Well,” Jemma continued, her voice sounding as heavy as her heart felt in the unusually tense kitchen, “do you remember how we got back to the present?”

“Something to do with Uncle Enoch, right?” Alya questioned skeptically. She only had very vague memories of Uncle Enoch, but there were plenty of pictures showing the pair together. What she definitely couldn’t remember was him being a robot. He’d always just felt like a part of the family.

“Y-Yeah.” Fitz affirmed. “It is. B-But in order to get us home, h-he-”

“He needed backup.” Jemma said, and Fitz shot her a grateful look. “And so an… um, ally we’d made in the future offered to help. We all thought it was a suicide mission, but we think he ended up getting sucked in by the tiny piece of the monolith that was near him. He came back to our time and timeline too.”

“You never mentioned bringing someone back from the future with you! That’s a huge change to history.”

“We know!” Fitz exclaimed.

“We didn’t mean to.” Said Jemma. “But he came back with us and tried to help us.”

“Tried?” Alya questioned.

“He got shot and had to have emergency surgery.”

Fitz gasped and snapped his attention towards Jemma. “He got shot?! You never told me- oh no…”

Alya looked between them, her face darkening with concern. “Who was he, Mum?”

Jemma continued to purposefully ignore her. “Even after he got shot, none of us really had time for him. We treated him so horribly. I always thought that I did better than the others, but just now I realised that it felt more like an act back then. Like I was obliged to be nice to him. B-But I shouldn’t have…”

She choked back a sob then, and Fitz quickly rushed to her side to comfort her.

Alya couldn’t find it in herself to find sympathy. She glared at them, the same question reflected in her expression.

“You know, he told me once about his family.” Fitz said whilst rubbing Jemma’s back. “He was a… a slave, I think. All humans were in that future. He told me that his mum had been murdered in front of him when he was just nine-” his voice cracked at his own words- “and his dad was sent to die.”

Alya opened her mouth to say something, but Fitz didn’t let her.

“B-But that’s how he learned to survive!” He said, but it sounded like he was trying to convince himself more than anyone else. “He came back, started a whole company and was super rich and- and we left him…”

He covered his face with his hands and Jemma gently pried them off his face to kiss his cheek.

“He chose to stay behind.” Jemma reassured. “Without him, we wouldn’t be here, and this timeline might not even exist.”

“What was his name?” Alya whispered again, her skin a sickly pale hue.

Jemma and Fitz shared a look of devastation, because there was no going back or even going forward without revealing the inevitable. The silence in that moment was thick and heavy. It felt like no words would ever be able to cut through it.

Luckily, no words were needed. From outside, Deke’s sudden loud burst of giggles could be heard over Owen’s playful shout of exasperation.

Jemma’s head turned towards the window, though her vision was too blurred with both age and tears for her to focus it properly.

She smiled a wobbly smile.

“His name was Deke.”

Both Fitz and Jemma’s hearts broke at Alya’s cry of anguish. They watched her fall to her knees as she covered her mouth in an attempt to hide her shock. They both had strong instincts to comfort her, she needed it more than they did after all, but neither of them could find it within themselves to do so.

They felt like they didn’t deserve it.

“I-I thought you might have looked into the future or something.” She sobbed. “Not- not this! Not from that future!”

In-sync as always, Fitz and Jemma’s parental instincts broke them out of their guilty stupors and they hurried to their daughter to help her back to her feet.

“He was a hero.” Jemma said as she brushed the dirt off her daughter. “And trust me, once we’d brought him back he was genuinely the sweetest man I’ve ever known.”

Fitz let out a small scoff… that turned into a broken laugh… that melted into a sob.

“You said you left him.” Alya said, wiping away her tears with her sleeve almost childishly. “Where? Why didn’t you go back for him?”

“Our final mission.” Fitz supplied, knowing that his wife’s memories of those final moments of that mission were hazy. “In order to get us back to our timeline from the screwed up one and take all those chronicoms back with us, someone needed to activate the quantum device from the other end.”

Alya gasped with sudden understanding.

“Deke volunteered.”

“That drawer.” Stated Alya. “That’s-”

“All we could find left of him on the Zephyr once it was all over.” Jemma answered. “That tape we used the walkman with is all him. He stole the songs, but that was his voice.”

“I… I don’t believe…”

Her parents didn’t need to be prompted into wrapping her into their arms. They did so, and Alya let them hold her as she shook and cried and mourned.

“Why are you sad?”

The trio turned their heads towards the owner of the little voice, who was standing in the doorway where Alya had caught them. He was fidgeting with his t-shirt again, his brown spiky hair was all tousled and full of mud, and his face was full of such genuine concern that made it look strange upon such a small child’s face.

“Oh, my little monkey.” Alya called, sniffling. “Come here.”

She immediately knelt down and opened her arms out for a confused Deke to run into. Her hands closed around him like a trap that wasn’t going to let go of its prey any time soon. And everyone was fine with that.

“I’m so, so proud of you.” Alya’s voice was muffled by the fact that her face was buried into Deke’s bony chest.

“We love you very much, sweetie.” Jemma said, planting a kiss on Deke’s free hand. “More than you can ever know.”

Fitz ruffled his already messy hair. “Seriously, you’re the best, Baby Deke.”

“I’m not a baby!” Deke stuck his tongue out at his grandad, satisfied that his family wasn’t sad anymore. “Stop saying baby!”

“You’re right.” Jemma said warmly.

Fitz smiled, linking hands with his wife. “You’re our big Deke now.”

The pair noticed that Alya squeezed their grandson tighter. They shared a knowing look.

Deke grinned widely, the gaps in his teeth becoming more clear. There was an air of innocence around him that neither Jemma nor Fitz had ever gotten the chance to see before.

“Thanks Bobo, thanks Nana. You’re the best too.”

~-.-~

Leo and Jemma Fitz-Simmons had thought that they’d gotten their happy ending the very second Alya was born. It had been the happiest day of their lives, despite the team being missing, because they were finally a family.

But since they’d completed the mission that they’d been preparing for years, it had felt like something was still missing. They’d lost Enoch. They’d lost Deke.

They didn’t really have time for mourning back then. They had to set up proper lives for themselves. Raise a daughter and actually live normal lives. Still, that void left by those losses felt like it could never be filled.

At least, that was the case until Fitz stumbled upon Owen Shaw.

Meeting Owen brought them hope. He brought the chance of healing the open wound, of mending something that was permanently broken. Or, in their case, permanently stuck in a disastrous reality that he never should have been in.

It had taken many, many years, but Deke Shaw was finally born and with him that void had started to close. Slowly but surely.

The couple had known since his birth that they would have to tell Alya the truth at some point, but time passed quickly and they didn’t know how to proceed. They grew older and older, but so did Deke.

Alya was angry at first, as any mother would be. But after a lot of explaining, she understood. They gave her the power of telling Owen if she wanted to, and she decided against it. For as much as the memory of Deke influenced her son, she wanted him to be his own person.

Or at least, that’s what she told her parents. But they knew her well enough to know that she was just trying to distance him from the orphaned slave as much as she could for the benefit of her own mental health.

Yet, perhaps for some unrelated reason, the rift that had formed between Owen and Deke began to close. Owen grew closer to his son and by some miracle began to treat him in such a kind way that would never be associated with the boisterous Owen Shaw.

Alya herself had grown almost inseparable with her son. She comfortably changed her job to a part-time position in order to be able to spend more time with him. This extra time allowed her to take him to a dietitian to help improve his physical health. Though his ribs were still visible, he was no longer underweight, and that in itself was a huge achievement to Alya.

She’d also grown a lot closer to her parents. Though for a while they’d been distant due to work demands, they ended up visiting a lot more often and having little adventures in the garden. She knew that they needed support, and she wouldn’t hesitate to give it to them. They were her everything. As was Deke.

Deke, as all children do, grew up too fast. One day he was a mischievous five-year-old, the next he was a mischievous nine-year-old. He was considered a genius in his school and did end up moving up a class. Since he still struggled with making friends though, he fell to his grandparents. He never failed to make them laugh, and would boast to his classmates about how cool his Nana and Bobo were. That they used to be spies!

And FitzSimmons? Well, time passed for them too. Also too quickly. They renovated the Deke Drawer into the Deke Shelf. A shelf in a display cabinet filled with little trinkets in the living room, there for all to see.

They knew that, however much time they had left, they didn’t want to spend it keeping secrets or worrying over loose ends. They’d long since dismantled their lab and all prototypes and equipment within it. Their consciences were free. They were free.

Fitz grew his fabulous grey beard to a ridiculously long length. Jemma convinced him to trim it. This was the sort of adventure they liked now, the sort that involved only laughs and no danger or SHIELD or loss.

And they were happy. They’d had to wait half a century for it, but the universe had gifted them with uninterrupted happiness.

This was their true happy ending.

There will be 2 epilogue chapters following this. Thank you for reading!

[puttingherinhistory]

“There are currently 44 million unpaid eldercare providers in the United States according to the U.S. Census Bureau and the majority are women. And yet there are very few support programs, formal or informal, in place to support these family caregivers, many of whom are struggling at work and at home. Working daughters often find they need to switch to a less demanding job, take time off, or quit work altogether in order to make time for their caregiving duties. As a result, they suffer loss of wages and risk losing job-related benefits such as health insurance, retirement savings, and Social Security benefits. In fact, a study from MetLife and the National Alliance for Caregiving calculated women lose an average $324,044 in compensation due to caregiving.

  This impact to a woman’s career is significant. Caregiving tends to hit women in their mid-40s, just around the time their earning potential starts to wane and dangerously close to the age when they may not be able to reenter the workforce if they leave. According to a recent New York Times article, the job market is not promising for women 50 and older.

These same women are expected to live well into their mid-80s, and outlive (by about two years) the average man. How will they afford their own care later in life if they can’t save for it at midlife while they are caring for someone else?”

If you’ve been following me then you know I talk a lot about the distribution of childcare between mothers and fathers, how even when a mother is working full time outside the home in almost all cases she’s still doing more housework and childcare than the father / her partner, and this is a serious problem for gender equality because it leaves women with significantly less time and energy than men, which means men collectively have more time and energy than women to progress in their careers and into positions of power, so a major reason for the gender pay gap and women holding significantly less positions of power is due to women still being expected to bear the weight of most or all childcare and housework in almost every household globally.

However, recently a close friend of mine was tasked with caring for her aging parents, even though she has two brothers, but neither brother is willing to take on a significant portion of the care. This has brought to my attention another problem hurting and holding back women, the gap in who cares for aging parents. In almost all cases, the task falls on the daughters even if the aging parents also has sons.

You’d probably guess this, but even if aging parents don’t have daughters and only have sons? Yeah, the sons still don’t lift a finger to care for their aging parents in most cases and the brunt of the care ends up falling on the daughters in law. This is what happened when my dad’s mom got alzheimer’s. My dad sat back and did nothing while my mom had to take care of her ill and aging mother in law, while working full time, while taking care of us kids because lord knows my dad wasn’t lifting much of a finger to help with childcare either. No wonder my mother never progressed as far in her career to earn as much as her male colleagues, how could she with all of that extra work and responsibility outside of her job?

If we’re going to be talking about how equally sharing childcare and housework is an important issue for gender equality because making women do most or all the childcare and housework hurts women and holds women back, we need to talk about this in the scope of caring for aging parents, how putting most or all of the work of caring for aging parents on the daughters while the sons get off scott free also hurts women and holds women back in the same respect because it does the same damn thing of leaving women with less time and energy than men to progress in their careers and hold positions of power in society.

[theliberaltony]

via Politics – FiveThirtyEight

Graphics by Anna Wiederkehr

Congress has less than a month to hammer out a deal on the next round of stimulus before expanded unemployment benefits expire. State and local governments are starting to feel the pinch of budget shortfalls. And while the U.S. got a piece of (relatively) good news in last week’s jobs report, which featured an unemployment rate 2.2 percentage points lower in June than it had been in May, the economy has been thrown back into chaos in the meantime, with a number of states pulling back on their reopenings amid spiking COVID-19 infections and hospitalizations.

Our newest survey of economists highlights just how consequential governmental decisions over the next month may be: On average, these economists think that a refusal by Congress to extend unemployment benefits or bail out state and local governments is just as likely to hurt the economy as local economies staying open in spite of COVID-19 spikes — or even closing because of the virus.

In partnership with the Initiative on Global Markets at the University of Chicago Booth School of Business, FiveThirtyEight asked 31 quantitative macroeconomic economists what they thought about a variety of subjects around the coronavirus recession and recovery efforts. The most recent survey was conducted from July 2 through 6, which means the June jobs report was fresh on respondents’ minds — but so was the state of the pandemic, along with challenges ahead for lawmakers.

“There’s a distinct risk that between now and November, Congress’s ability to continue fiscal support will be very limited by election-year politics,” said Jonathan Wright, an economics professor at Johns Hopkins University who has been consulting with us on the design of the survey. “That could be more of a drag on the economy than the local and state shutdowns just because the effect would be so huge.”

With a congressional showdown looming, we asked the experts to estimate the probability that several policy decisions would have the biggest negative impact on U.S. gross domestic product in the fourth quarter of 2020. Among the five options we presented, the single most important to the economists was a decision by state and local governments to reclose their economies because of COVID-19 outbreaks. But a decision by Congress not to provide funding to state and local governments was close behind. And the weight given to choices made by the federal government — bailing out local governments, extending unemployment insurance and providing ongoing aid for small businesses — added up to be even more important when taken as a whole:

What are the biggest economic risk factors by year’s end?

Average probabilities that each scenario would have the largest negative impact on U.S. GDP in the fourth quarter, according to economists

Local or state response options Avg. Probability Decision to reverse local economic openings due to COVID-19 spikes 26% Decision to keep local economies open despite COVID-19 spikes 17 Total 43 Federal response options Not providing funding for state and local governments* 23% Ending/reducing expansion of unemployment benefits 20 Ending/cutting back on aid to small businesses 14 Total 57

* Funding to address budget shortfalls associated with COVID-19.

The survey of 31 economists was conducted July 2-6.

Source: FIVETHIRTYEIGHT/IGM COVID-19 ECONOMIC SURVEY

“[State and local governments] are facing severe budget crises and will be laying off workers to balance their budgets,” said Julie Smith, a professor of economics at Lafayette College. That, she said, could lead to longer periods of high unemployment and financial pain for many households. Meanwhile, she added, cutting back or ending the federal unemployment extension would cause many people’s incomes to decline dramatically, leaving them with much less money to spend — which could make a big dent in GDP.

Perhaps for this reason, there’s a lot of uncertainty in the economists’ fourth-quarter real GDP predictions. When we last asked the panel for its forecast, it thought that GDP would be growing by 4.1 percent at the end of the year, a big improvement from the -28.2 percent quarter-over-quarter annualized growth it foresaw for the second quarter of 2020. This time around, the panel is calling for less negative growth (-25.5 percent) in the second quarter and a very similar fourth-quarter growth rate to last time (3.8 percent). But the range around that end-of-year forecast has gotten a lot wider — a sign of just how much things could go wrong. The gap between our consensus forecast’s 10th and 90th percentile predictions for fourth-quarter GDP growth was 10.9 percentage points in the last survey; now that gap is 12.8 percentage points, with almost all of the extra uncertainty coming in the form of downside risk. (The panel’s consensus 10th percentile GDP growth forecast has dropped from -2.0 percent to -3.5 percent.)

The economists weren’t especially optimistic about the trajectory of the unemployment rate over the course of 2020, either. The consensus prediction was that the unemployment rate in December would be 10.1 percent, which is only 1 percentage point lower than the rate in June — and is still comparable to the unemployment rate at the height of the Great Recession. Stephen Cecchetti, a professor of international finance at the Brandeis International Business School, pointed out that workers are increasingly likely to be losing their jobs permanently, rather than temporarily, which will make it harder for them to get back into the labor force. And he added that it will take time for the economy to adjust to a new reality where working from home is the norm, which could also keep the unemployment rate from falling quickly. Cecchetti was also among the economists who thought that in a worst-case scenario, the unemployment rate could skyrocket again by the end of the year.

“There are a lot of people who haven’t been exposed to the virus,” he said. “It’s not hard to imagine new outbreaks in places like New Jersey or Massachusetts that force us to shut down all over again.”

About half of the economists in the survey also thought the country’s top earners would end the year with an even greater share of the nation’s personal income. In order to get a sense of how much the panel thought the COVID-19 recession would increase income inequality, we asked about a new metric created by the Bureau of Economic Analysis, which found that in 2016, households in the top 10 percent of incomes (adjusted for household size) accounted for 37.6 percent of the country’s personal income. Fifty percent of the respondents thought this number would be significantly higher by the end of 2020 as a result of the COVID-19 pandemic, while 47 percent thought it would be about the same. Only one respondent thought it would be lower.

“My best guess is that this pandemic is going to worsen income inequalities,” said Sarah Zubairy, a professor of economics at Texas A&M University. She hypothesized that this was because job loss has been concentrated among lower-wage workers who can’t do their jobs remotely, and who may find themselves ricocheting in and out of the labor force if states have to abruptly pull back their reopening plans.

And in another sign that the U.S. has been knocked off course by the virus — and the subsequent leadership response — our survey panel overwhelmingly believes (with 90 percent agreement) that China will beat both America and the European Union on the road back to pre-crisis real GDP levels. In retrospect, according to Wright, this was kind of a “no-brainer” because China’s economic growth so far has been quite swift, and it has tools to enact sweeping fiscal stimulus that aren’t available to less centrally controlled economies like the U.S. or the E.U. But some of this might also be based on the Chinese government’s reputation for — how should we put this? — releasing overly favorable public data. “When all is said and done, if they don’t like the actual data they can fudge the numbers,” Wright said. “Put those three things together, and there’s almost no way they can’t be the first back.”

Wright also pointed to another ominous result in the survey: 19 percent of respondents thought that the 10-year average real U.S. GDP growth rate would be reduced by 1 to 2 percent per year. To be sure, the vast majority (77 percent) of economists thought the 10-year average growth rate would be reduced by less, although only one person thought it would go up. But the responses were still alarming, Wright said, because they indicated a serious degree of pessimism about the speed with which the economy will not just return to where it was at the end of 2019, but also catch up with where it would have been if the COVID-19 pandemic hadn’t happened.

However, Allan Timmermann, professor of finance and economics at the University of California, San Diego — who has also been consulting with us on the survey — was encouraged that the majority of respondents didn’t expect more long-term damage to growth. “This is still a large impact in terms of its cumulative effect on the economy,” he wrote in an email. “But it does suggest that most respondents think the economy will bounce back in due course — as opposed to leading us to a ‘lost decade’ scenario (as we have seen in Japan) with growth slowing down by an even larger amount.”

Overall, though, the latest survey responses paint a picture of America’s still-precarious road back to economic health. So much depends on the course of COVID-19 itself and how much the virus forces local economies to shut down again to slow its spread. But a lot is also riding on important policy decisions around the virus, which are still being debated. “I think economists have been surprised so far by the pace of the rebound,” Wright said. “But that hasn’t made them less worried about the weeks or months ahead.”

[x4f0wrcg-blog]

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[brimstonestardust-blog]

alright, doing them both in one ;;

i’m brand, your local disaster, and i go by they/them pronouns for anyone who cares. my babes beau and dominique are gonna hit the dash as soon as i reply to some starters in the tags, so read up on them and hit me up if you want to work out some plots for them. i’ll also drop some wcs in this intro too if you wanna fill ‘em!!! 

ladies first because i love dominique more anyways, so ;;

full name: dominique anastasia dupuis

birthday: february twelfth, 1990 ( twenty eight )

title: genesis department agent

hometown: paris, france

fc: ana de armas

dominique’s mother died during childbirth and her father dipped out not long after, not prepared to be a father at all. so dom was raised by her aunt, sasha. her mom and her aunt were twins and came from an old, french family with more money than they’d ever know what to do with. her father was cuban and quite the opposite. a drifter in his prime, he fell in love with dominique’s mother when he was a penniless artist in paris and after abandoning his child, found a career in the government no less, serving as a french ambassador. but it’s cool, dom’s not bitter or anything bc it’s not like she hasn’t been successful as well. her aunt, sasha, supplemented her enormous trust fund (doubled by her sister’s death) by making her name for herself as one of the generation’s greatest painters, selling her original works for thousands of euros and knock off original antiques for millions. her illegal work was kept secret from dom wile she grew up, of course, but dom never cared where the money came from. she just enjoyed the spoils of her privilege with a smile on her face as she did so.  this bitch literally grew up in the penthouse of the shangri-la because sasha dupius didn’t want to sign a lease bc she didn’t like commitment and shit. like, that’s how much money these fucking people have. anyways, tho-- dom grew up with absolutely no rules or boundaries. her aunt expected her to excel at things and she did, but only through gentle guidance and loving support. her aunt’s alcoholism and criminal background aside, she was a perfect parent, if not a little distant because she’d never planned on having children of her own.  in school, dominique was an average student. imaginative and adventurous, she focused less on her grades and schoolwork and more on her fleeting hobbies and interests. her aunt’s work, painting and selling, took her all around the world and dominique was happy to follow her globe trotting guardian from country to country. her love of travel outweighed her focus on academics, but she was hardly stupid -- her intelligence just made itself known in different areas. when she finished her primary schooling, her aunt let her in on her other life. sasha never liked lying to the girl, but she didn’t want dom exposed to her life of crime at a young age. dom’s indifferent reaction to the dishonest business grew into a willingness to help and she shipped off to university, double majoring in linguistics and cultural studies in effort to bridge the gap in her aunt’s business untouched because of the cultural and language barrier.  by the time she graduated college, she was deeply invested in her aunt’s counterfeit business, selling nearly identical fake classics to people overseas that shipped them out even more for higher profit. it was dom’s thirst for knowledge that caught the circle’s attention. every untapped culture that she wanted her aunt in business with, she researched and immersed herself in until she was absolutely flushed with information. and she absolutely loved it. which is why she jumped at the opportunity to join an unofficial espionage organization tasked with collecting intelligence on absolutely everything in the world. as a genesis agent, she’s constantly immersed and openly in love with her job and the work it entails. she’s bubbly and outgoing in between being totally and 100% into her work. she loves travelling for work, she loves collecting information for the genesis project, and she loves being special ops certified. it makes her feel mildly like a badass. she’s just a ball of sunshine overall and i’m hype to play her. 

wanted connections: mentor, best friends, sparring partners, fellow tourist, gym buddies, ex lovers, friends with benefits, etc. 

beau, on the other hand, is a piece of shit ;;

full name: beau edward braxton

birthday: august 18, 1988 ( thirty )

title: law enforcement liaison (fbi)

hometown: san francisco, california

fc: theo james

beau braxton never has and likely never will fall into the category of ‘good person.’ throughout the course of his childhood, beau was constantly ill and when he learned that his physical health situation would garner sympathy from the adults and children in his life alike, he took that fact and ran with it, exploiting the sympathy of others to get what he wanted. he was three years old when he was diagnosed with transient hypogammaglobulinemia of infancy. although the immunodeficiency disorder resolved itself by the time he was seven, the damage to his immune system had been done and little beau found himself prone to contracting a myriad of common illnesses like the mumps, influenza, and worst of all for the young boy–meningitis. all of these illnesses, while they were treatable and common enough, were hell on beau after so long of being sick. until he was in his mid teens, every minor symptom seemed to rattle him to his core. the fevers and headaches were unbearable, the nausea and lack of appetite left him feeling malnourished, and the lethargy and constant fatigue had him exhausted and in bed for days at a time. while meningitis typically only lasts a week or so, beau was always struck with illness after illness and when he wasn’t at his pediatricians, he was at home in bed, and for that reason, he was home schooled all the way throughout high school, even after he started to take a turn for the better.   his mother, who came from an old oil family and provided her son with a string of nannies and teachers that had an incredible turn over rate (both due to beau’s terrible attitude and an unwillingness to care so closely for a sick child) and whatever monetary and material allowances the child might have wanted, was out of the picture more than she was in it, although they lived under the same roof. beau grew up feeling his mother’s quiet and seething resentment despite the fact she was never present, knowing that olivia braxton blamed him for his father, mark’s, leaving when he was four. not everyone could handle such a difficult, sickly child. by the time he was seventeen, he was as healthy as he was going to be. he was still a target for trivial illnesses like the common cold, but these bouts of sickness no longer had him bedridden. he was up and moving and ready to experience the world he’d been missing while he was tied down by his compromised immune system. san fran was out, and he head to berkeley for college, where he met his college girlfriend, juniper bernthal. one would expect a child plagued by illness after illness to develop an appreciation for life, but beau always convinced himself that he didn’t care to live or die. he didn’t care about anything and the appreciation he was supposed to have nurtured into greed and irritability. everything he ever did, he did to reap the benefits for himself, rather than for the good of anyone else. his decision to go off to college and major in political science made him look like a noble man, but he was doing it for no more than the money he knew it’d bring in. the government was the end all be all, after all, so he knew he needed to be in the government. right out of college, he moved to washington, d.c., where he interned at the fbi.  it was somewhere between his internship and his bid to train for special ops that the circle recruited him to be a liaison. knowing then that there was an organization more powerful than the unites states government, he felt he had no choice but to continue going up. if being a liaison at the circle meant a pay raise and a reason to feel like he was more important than his fellow fbi agents, he knew he’d take the offer again and again.  he has very little true loyalty for the circle, but he likes his job. being a secret agent is pretty rad and he likes the perks that come with the title, so he doesn’t do much to risk his job. he’s also rekindles a romance with his old college girlfriend, juniper, after learning that she and her sister nell were employed by the circle as well. he’s not into the relationship at all, but it’s nice to have someone to call a partner, even if he’s constantly treating her like shit. 

wanted connections: secret fling/affair, best friends, sparring partners, gym buddies, mentor, fellow fbi agents, etc. 

[hendriksen36french-blog]

EU Lifts Many Permissions Versus Belarus In spite of Human Rights Issues.

When you lift the weight, weightlifting increases your heart rate during the brief ruptureds of power. The lift in my block of apartments is such an antique it has a cable grille as well as doors that open up in an outward direction, like the ones in Woman in a Cage, allowing me to play pranks on visitors by making believe to be the little boy ghost from Animosity as well as peering in at them as they rotate gradually previous. It is much easier if we consider the numbers from pascal's triangular installation right into spaces. He raised his hand to comply with the next step but I ordered it softly as well as place it pull back. The players continued to be in high spirits and also were heard giggling that their combined weight could have triggered the lift to bend. In the year to the end of June, concerning 35% of those joining The Gym had actually never ever been participants of various other health and fitness centres. Second, the topic was asked to being in either a high power pose or a reduced power position for 2 minutes. Now allow's move up to some systems that ought to satisfy the power piggies amongst you. Take some time to discover the pros and cons of every kind of Interlocking Rubber Floor ceramic tiles as well as the outcome would certainly be a fantastic house health club flooring. But I additionally know that the procedure is more important compared to the goal I'm mosting likely to enjoy this one, yet I'll be back in the fitness center on Monday. Gyms have made an organisation out of taking apart age-old activities, rebuilding them, injecting expensive packaging as well as offering them to consumers in a pretty workshop. As the gifted developers that submitted their job to our good friends at show, having the at home gym of your dreams isn't simply convenient - it's in fact workable. The Complete Fitness center 1000 measures 88 inches long by 16 1/8 inches vast by 44 inches high when released for use. High-speed lifts are likewise known as detachable lifts, due to the fact that the chairs remove from the cable television at the leading as well as bottom stations in order to reduce for discharging as well as packing. The first pollution limits under the Clean Power Plan will work in 2022, more than 5 years from now. She felt a wave of alleviation as 3 bright streaks of light landed nearby, and also took the form of heaven, Black, and Pink Rangers. The Clean Power Strategy is the centerpiece of UNITED STATE efforts to curb environment adjustment. Like numerous Canal & River Depend on tasks, the Anderton Watercraft Lift survived many thanks to neighborhood volunteers, a lot of which are still entailed. Sarah Ridgard, however, confesses that she chose her university area at the LSE on the basis that the structure had a paternoster - an ever-moving lift which passengers step into. The government acknowledges the potential human cost of coal power plant shuttering, stating plant closures could have a significant influence on neighborhoods" as they employed around 100-500 people straight. Your one-rep max, or 1RM, is the heaviest weight lots you could effectively lift when with excellent method. Raise your hips by pushing your heels right into the ball and also lift up till your heels, hips as well as shoulders develop a straight line. Till I determined to obtain to know my self as well as to make a connection with my psyche, did I after that understand that I am the only person that has the power which our power comes only from the in. Theoretically, the Earth was not one regular age, however was several billions of different ages separated by little variations, depending on the power of the lightning strikes. It is constantly recommended to put your computer system in Rest mode or Hibernate mode to minimize power usage. And while thinking about exactly what an empty gap her life was coming to be, Tess saw her daddy's head turn and his covers raise heavily. Claude Chabrol's Funny of Power stars Isabelle Huppert as a French court who attempts to reduce the very effective however corrupt Chief Executive Officer of a huge company. It was checked in shops by Tesco a couple of years earlier and also other supermarket chains are exploring similar devices. While they look comparable, the pelvic lift is an advanced kind of the pelvic tilt. We slept late, uninterrupted, in safe and secure resort among the trees, the substantial river chanting its limitless track on either side people. Throughout the night meal, partaken of amidst the gathering shadows of golden, our newly discovered buddy again showed his power as a trencherman. Universal home gyms that utilize different types of resistance are less expensive than those with weight heaps. This is dealt with by the use of circulation transformers as well as power transformers Generally, a power transformer has two sections: a main coil and secondary coil. It's the maximum use your time, says Tom Holland, author of Beat the Health club." You get everything simultaneously as well as you're not in the gym for an hour." He recommends choosing an upper body, lower body, abdominal muscles and after that a cardio interval. Because it's longer and also does not have to do as much hefty lifting as the first period, I'm really delighted regarding Power period 2. Gym policy should need that team get training in the operation of any type of brand-new devices in the gym. Nonetheless, you must remember that running a fitness center is a really costly endeavor. The late-arriving rangers quickly involved the aid of the Yellow Ranger, as well as began lowering the variety of Quantrons. The brand-new SunBurst Six lift will be the initial in the Northeast US with warmed seats (Mount Snow set up a six-pack bubble chair a number of periods ago, yet it does not have seat heating units). One can get power quicker if one dispels the suppositions that the world is just, that intelligence as well as competence alone will certainly gain incentives, or that concentrating on the little tasks is a one-way ticket to middle administration (rather the contrary - discovering just what nobody else knows is the very best way to order power). Gabe was midway throughout the gym where the Never-ceasing foot soldiers were training prior to he recognized where he was. There are plenty of gyms if you would certainly rather be in an air-conditioned area. Doubters Agreement: It plays like an extended episode, yet The Powerpuff Girls Movie is still great deals of fun. The success of the Gamings has actually elevated hopes of a rise in rate of interest in handicap sporting activities involvement, yet the study of health clubs and recreation centres, accomplished in behalf of the charity Leonard Cheshire Disability, discovered that many centers are not really prepared to capitalise on the potential demand. With a large range of items made specifically for home exercise enthusiasts, any person wishing to get into much better form should consider a Bowflex Sport house gym. Balance as well as resistance equipment could be utilized independently or with weights. The incredibly high nitrate level in the water is leaving thousands of newborn babies in danger of poisoning. Acknowledging the influence of my subconscious mind over my power of will, I shall take care to send to it a guaranteed as well as clear picture of my CLEAR PURPOSE in life and all minor functions bring about my major objective, as well as I will keep this image CONSTANTLY PRIOR TO my subconscious mind by DUPLICATING IT DAILY. The TRX and also competitors like the Jungle Gym XT will certainly permit you to greatly exhaust your core and overcome useful series of movement you wouldn't have offered to you with dumbbells alone. No, as if https://studiosante.de/onycosolve/ , the wall surface it sat on, as well as the house it was held inside of, merged the power. After years of lack of exercise, TJ returned as heaven Space Ranger in order to help the Galaxy Rangers combat the Psycho Rangers. The issue is that lots of people miss one workout as well as prior to they recognize it, they haven't been to the gym in 4 weeks. Bel came to me with an old buddy of mine, among the good friends who quit on me. He lightly slid his arms around me as well as raised me from the messy health club flooring. There excel reasons to be hesitant of the concept that a win for Clinton will usher in a feminist utopia-or also just higher political power for women. The power relocated external from me, or perhaps I moved on via something that was always there, however tonight I could notice it. Siobhan moved forward, and the power did not fill her. And also it predicted that kite power would certainly cost so little that developing countries would be able to use it to wean themselves off polluting diesel generators as well as various other carbon-heavy power sources. If you want straightforward exercise tools instead of a way of life principle, check neighborhood authority centers.

[letsdiscoverkitty]

You can have a life while you are recovering- in fact I think that’s the only way you have any chance of doing it properly. You talk a lot about your family but never about your friends- where are they? Parents are not meant to be our only companions when we are grown ups. It IS possible to do normal life things whilst having an eating disorder - whether you are in recovery or not. Without something to focus on and live for what is even the point of trying? Find that thing to I live for xx

It has been over 6 years since I was diagnosed and in that time the number of real true friends that I have has fallen dramatically. One side that people don’t often talk about when you suffer from an eating disorder is that it literally shrinks your whole entire world. It’s aim is to make sure that there is only room for you and it in your bubble; no friends, no socialising, no ambitions, no interests, no fun, nothing. It reduces your life to nothing. There is no time for friends or relationships, family or meeting new people. 

When you suffer from a mental illness, you definitely learn who your true and real friends are and who was just along for the ride. I know that I am a terrible friend, and I will put my hands up and admit that. I have lost contact with many people and I have isolated myself beyond belief for years. Depression and anxiety can make leaving the house and making plans feel like you are being asked to climb mount Everest; which often leads to receding into the darkness and allowing them to consume me. I am very lucky to still have a few friends who have stuck by me despite everything; sadly as my life has been on hold, theirs have been continuing to move forwards, so actually being able to see each other has become quite a rarity. Initially my close friends moved away to study at University (all over the country) or similar. Now having graduated, most people have moved onto new jobs, getting first houses, moving in with partners, having children etc. Despite me still sitting in my bedroom at home; my peers have all spread their wings, found new friendships, interests and are moving on with their milestones.

I think I can say that I have maybe 2 friends left from my school days; both of whom I love to bits but sadly do not get to see very often. I have some very close friends that I have met online (including Meg who is a true gem and who I still talk to nearly every day) but it is not the same (mainly due to distance). I do mention my parents a bit and I suppose that is because I live with them in a very rural part of the countryside so yes we are around each other a lot. Meeting new people is very hard; not only because of anxiety but because of where I live. This is one reason why I am considering moving out at some point not too far down the line/moving in with Andi as I am so bored and tired and stuck here (Andi found the same growing up and during their gap year and could not wait to move out). Tbh anorexia has reduced me to a mere shell of who I was...  have lost my identity and purpose and have no idea who I am anymore. Which can make trying to get out and meet people or do things very hard.

I completely agree that part of recovery is reconnecting with social circles, getting out there and meeting new people and taking steps forwards towards milestones. Recovery does not mean putting everything on hold until you are “recovered” because it just does not happen like that. Whilst IP at the beginning of the year I learnt a bit more about how important the social aspect is in recovery and I realised how this element has been missing from my life for years. It is something that makes me feel quite sad and alone and is often overwhelming to even think about but I know that I can’t continue to avoid it. My closest friends are extremely understanding; A is the best. She knows I find it difficult to open and reply to messages but she makes sure to give me the kick up the arse when I need it. I have met up with her quite a few times recently however she has been away for the past month travelling/doing a yoga course but she is due back any day now!!!! J is my other closest friend who again I have been to see and had coffee with a number of times, we are trying to plan to go to the cinema but she has just started a full time 9-5 job in a city about 45mins drive away, and spends the weekends with her boyfriend in London so it is a bit tricky to sort out. 

I suppose what I am trying to say is that you make a very very good point and it is something that I am aware of. Eventually I want to take steps towards doing things like socialising, getting a part time job etc. Ideally idk, ideally I would be going into an environment like 1st year at Uni where you meet loads of people and find your feet a little but that is not where I am at right now. I am still waiting to hear back from volunteering at a local animal shelter, and cubs is on hold for the summer. I aim to work towards getting a part time job but I am not sure what as but I know I have to take things slowly in this area as in the past I have rushed it too fast and end up putting everything else before my health, which is not the aim. As I have said before, I have applied for some apprenticeships online (despite knowing I am not quite in a place to be able to take them on) but it at least shows that I am trying to think about it a bit? even if it is to beat myself up a little...It is sadly one side of being IP that was helpful for my anxiety - I was forced to be around people and I actually got to meet some really wonderful people and spend time together and do things with each other. However now I am back home living where I do it makes things a million times harder to overcome that anxiety that is already crippling. My team (both IP and now OP) have tried so much to help me connect with other people and find ways of getting out but even they have come up against brick walls as there is very little around my area. 

This is, I think, one of the reasons I have felt so trapped in this relapse; I have very little motivation/drive as I don’t know why I am doing it anymore. In the past I have had prospects of University or when I was going back to my A levels however now I don’t know what I want. I am feeling more lost by the day with myself and it is really hard to deal with. I wish that there was a simple answer. That doing xyz would help me to find motivation and life and a way forwards but right now I feel nothing. And as shit as it is I know dwelling on it even longer and staying submerged in relapse is not the answer so I am having to take initial steps blindly into the darkness. 

I am going to leave this reply here as I feel I have gone on far too much but I hope that gives a rough picture of things x

[charlottes-weeb]

Anti-Poor and Anti-Homeless Sentiments Are in the DNA of Our Culture

How is it that a single dialogue screen in a video game from the 1990s spouted off some social commentary that is so glaringly relevant in 2021? I came across this recently online and would have sworn someone made a meme using a quote from the 2020 presidential campaign designed to draw in young voters. But nope. This is a screenshot from an old Final Fantasy game. And there’s a reason it’s floating around now. Especially in the post-Covid world, we’re getting a clearer picture of the inequality inherent in our sociopolitical and economic climates. In essence, we’re seeing why a system that prioritizes the wealthy and wages war on the poor (and no, it’s not a war on “poverty” - it’s on the poor) can’t be sustained. A single perturbation to the system exacerbated things to the point of a full-on recession. Take the housing crisis for example. People who were already living paycheck to paycheck and choosing between groceries and rent, or childcare and insurance, have in the last year had their backs against a wall, under threat of eviction, repossession, fines, and incarceration - simply because they can’t work jobs that would put them at risk. And make no mistake, I am in no way advocating that someone who works for an hourly wage with the public should be left to suck it up and go to work - quite the contrary. What we have on our hands is a system of economic cruelty, imposed by the super-wealthy (a perfect example being landlords) in which our working classes are written off as expendable. As cannon fodder. And it doesn’t even begin to stop there.

Anti-poor and anti-homeless sentiments are rampant in our culture down avenues that we would find shocking. You can even see it in the subtleties of architecture and corporate storefront designs. Have you ever gone down a walking path that ran under a bridge and seen something that looks a bit like this?:

Or maybe you’re driving down a busy street and you happen to pass a McDonald’s with this classic little fixture cemented outside:

Guess who now, by design, doesn’t have a place to sleep because a corporate home office or city planner doesn’t want them cluttering up their space. The point is that this isn’t new. The DNA of our entire economic culture grows from the perspective of “everything for the sake of profit.” Because the system itself is busted, we see things like the production of food not to sustain our hungry, but to make a profit. That’s why at the end of the night they throw away industrial-size trash cans full of perfectly edible food instead of distributing what they couldn’t sell. And let’s get ahead of it: this is not baseless speculation. I’ve worked a few different jobs in my time where I have seen this with my own eyes. In fact, I won’t say the name of the franchise, but I worked for one location as a teenager that banned two homeless twin brothers from coming in and using their restroom because they weren’t buying anything and were allegedly upsetting paying customers. ...Right.

So without realizing it, we’ve for a very long time been participants in a system that doesn’t lift up the poor and working classes - it punishes them. And what’s more, we subsequently hear these untenable defensive sentiments about how this helps to motivate people to “work harder” and “better themselves.” Because as everyone knows, Jeff Bezos worked 16-hour days at the quarry while putting himself through an Ivy League business school all through his twenties, right? Wrong. So even though from the outset you were at a massive disadvantage - born into poverty, disproportionately affected by unemployment or lack of education due to race, mental health issues, sexuality... it makes no difference to blind defenders of our hegemonic economic system.

We’re seeing enormous cultural and economic gaps where we need a massive overhaul. It’s past time to get on top of it.

[doof-doofblog]

"Leave Him Alone! ... Dad!"

Tuesday 29th December 2020

Good evening everyone! Hope you're all feeling good - devastating news about the next lockdown / Tier movement isn't it? Personally, I've have enough. I feel like I really need to cry but for some reason, somehow the tears aren't falling - yet! I'm going and not think about it and focus on my favourite soap instead! Before we jump into the episode, I want to share a bit of news with you, it has been announced that Natalie Cassidy (AKA Sonia Fowler) will be taking an extended break from the soap, there has been a recently storyline regarding Sonia's mental health, when this is due to be shown is unsure. But Natalie is expected to be off-screen from early January and will return early in the Spring!

Also, I still can't get over the suspense from the previous episode - as far as I'm aware, nothing has been confirmed that Tina is dead, I think that will remain a mystery until it's eventually (hopefully) proven! What do you guys think?! While we speculate, lets focus on tonight's episode! 

The first thing I want to talk about is Ruby! Following Martin's revelation that he doesn't want anymore children, she is still clearly devastated by the news. As Stacey and Kush bump into each other on the Square discussing children, Ruby approaches them (mainly Stacey) warning her to never interfere in her marriage again! In all honesty, I don't think Stacey was, she knows Martin better than anyone, she can clearly see that something was on his mind and maybe she just thought she was trying to advise or help her ex-husband. The whole scene leaves Kush feeling very awkward as they both squabble in front of him. However, later when Kush approaches Ruby in the club, she is surprised when he apologies to her for stealing money from her till and he acts pretty sincere, he informs her that it's part of his recovery program, that he must apologise to everyone he's hurt due to his gambling addiction. It looks as if his apology really touches Ruby's heart and she invites him to stay for a drink. After a while they've both decided to sit together whilst having their drinks, Kush opens up about the deal he has in place with Phil, informing Ruby about that money he'll be getting by tacking the rap for the Mitchell's petty crimes, regardless whether it means him going to prison for a long time or not. He informs Ruby that the only reason he's doing it is for his son. It's quite sad though as you seem to realise how many people Kush has lost - Shabnam, Zaair, Shakil, Carmel - Arthur is simply the only person he has left! Ruby appears to be really moved by his revelation, however when he tries to change the subject to herself and Stacey, he kind of puts his foot in it when he reveals that Stacey actually wants Martin back! Ruby seems to be taken aback by this, it's only later when Kush comes to find her in his office, she informs him he may not have to go through with Phil's plan and then drops the bombshell that she'll give him the money instead! Kush is completely and utterly gobsmacked, why would she offer him such a lifeline?! But instantly Kush sees right through it and how crazy her scheme is, if Kush was to do a runner and take Arthur with him, it might change Martin's mind of having a baby with her, which would be a way of keeping her husband! The big question is however, will Kush take Ruby's offer and do a runner with his son?! 

Elsewhere on the Square, Billy, Honey and Jay are trying to move on from recent events. Honey pleads to Billy to try and talk things through with Jay as adults. She hates the fact that this has caused a rift in the family. Even though Billy is reluctant to forgive and forget, Honey seems to bring him round, mainly for the kids. As they find Jay sat alone in the gardens, Billy informs him that he recognises that what both he and Honey did was a huge mistake, with it being Christmas and people having a drink etc etc, people don't seem to realise their actions. He then invites Jay to move back in with them, however later on Honey finds Jay at the Car Lot, it looks as if she's struggling to come to terms with the recent events. She announces to Jay that over the past few weeks she has started to get feelings for him, it's been hard for her to ignore and of course she's been worried about what people might say about the age gap if they were to become an item, she pours out her heard to Jay that regardless of that, she wants them to give it a try. For a split moment, it looks as if Jay is going to say exactly the same thing, but instead, with a heavy heart, he informs Honey that he can't do it, because of Billy, he can't do that to him! This leaves Honey possibly feeling humiliated and devastated, she literally poured her heart onto the table, for it to completely backfire, only something tells me that Jay does have feelings towards Honey also, will he be able to stick to his word and not betray Billy?! 

Finally the main focus of this episode was Trueman/Fox family. Denise is completely on edge after learning on Christmas Day that Lucas had been released from prison and for the past month has been spending time with their daughter, Chelsea. Denise is constantly looking out of the window and having the need to check on Raymond every couple of minutes. Both Patrick and Kim are worried for her well-being, they can see that she is driving herself insane as she's being so wary of Lucas's possible arrival! Trying to see if they can find a way to get rid of Lucas, both Kim and Patrick approach Jack for his help, they inform that he shouldn't be anywhere near Denise, only when Kim suggests coming up with a plan to trap him and catch him, Jack simply refuses as it would be going against his jobs rules - that's what I'm assuming anyway?! With them out of ideas, Patrick seems to take the very drastic route and approach Phil for his help, at first, Phil is convinced that Denise is after more money but wise man insists that Denise has no idea that he is seeking his help. It seems to take a while for poor Patrick to convince Phil to actually get rid of Lucas, but when he proposes a deal where he'll make sure he'll be able to see his son without Denise's knowledge, Phil is more than happy to oblige. Meanwhile, as Chelsea is treating her Father to a slap-up meal, she makes an excuse to leave the room and powder her nose, it's at this moment when Phil makes his move, he takes Chelsea's place and sits opposite Lucas - I just want to say what a brilliant scene I thought this was, it's been such a long time since we've these two share a scene together! Steve McFadden and Don Gilet are just absolutely brilliant, I loved how Lucas recalled on the time when young Ben attacked his young son Jordan - how interesting is it going to be when Ben sees Lucas back on the Square???!!! Even when he dropped the bombshell that he knew that Phil had had a child with Denise, I just thought it was all just brilliant! In typical Phil Mitchell style, he threatens Lucas and warns him to leave Denise alone and to leave Walford for good! Later on in the evening, Phil makes on last visit to Patrick, informing him that Lucas had received the message loud and clear and wouldn't be returning, but he revealed to Patrick that he wanted Raymond to be with him on New Year's Day! Patrick tries to reason with Phil, acknowledging that he's grateful for what he's done but for him to bring Raymond to him on that specific day may be a bit awkward, but Phil is adamant he wants the young boy on that day, they simply had a deal and voices that Patrick should hold his end of the deal. Meanwhile, as this arrangement is being made, both Lucas and Chelsea are leaving the restaurant and heading for their car, Lucas appears to be voicing his concerns as to whether them spending time together is a good thing - however the one thing that pointed out to me was that Chelsea informed her Father that she had done well for herself and she seems pretty good for money, something is telling me that Lucas is only trying to get into his daughter's good books for her money - I could be wrong, but something just makes me question why she would say that?! Interesting possibility?! As Chelsea gets herself settled in the car, out of no where a group of hitmen begin throttling Lucas (with what looks like a large pole)! Chelsea screams and shouts, pleading for them to leave her Father alone, but none of them listen as they continue to beat Lucas to a pulp - could Phil be behind this attack?! 

Something tells me that Lucas is only going to be out for revenge after this attack! A very interesting episode with quite a bit of speculation! I apologise for this post being so late! I hope you enjoy reading! We're slowly getting to the big one on New Year's Day! I may be a little bit behind but I am really looking forward to watching and blogging about it when I get the chance! Enjoy the rest of your week folks, I'll be back very soon! Love you all xXx