#I need to forgive myself and accept my issues and then just move on

[prozach27]

.

[teaboot]

Forgive me if you’ve already answered something similar but how do you deal with crushing guilt when you did fuck up but there’s not really anything you can do to like make amends or you’ve already done anything you could and still feel guilty?

Like I know the guilt isn’t productive at all, if anything it’s just paralyzing me, and mentally beating myself up over it isn’t actually helping anyone. But I don’t know where to go from there. Idk how to actually forgive myself, or at least be able to move on

CW FOR SELF HARM

Okay, so this is something I've had to work through for a very long time myself, and there's a few different strategies that I've used to cope and process with varying levels of success.

What I used to do was handle the "I've ruined everything and hurt people and am never going to be forgiven" feeling by hurting myself in a number of creative and stupid ways, from physical hurt (Everything you'd expect) to mental hurt (wallowing, speaking badly of myself, going over the bad thing over and over again in my head) to passive hurt (neglecting my health, not eating properly, failing to pursue good living conditions, letting others hurt me, deliberately wandering into risky situations) and despite any short-term relief or peace I got, none of it ultimately fixed anything.

At the end of the day, making myself suffer as retribution or apology didn't fix the thing I'd done and didn't make the guilt go away, and all it gave me was an additional sense of shame and isolation because now not only was I a garbage person, I was a garbage person with something to hide from my loved ones. Zero out of ten, do not recommend.

The stuff that DID help was harder and is going to sound stupid because *I thought it was stupid* until it worked for me.

First: Learn the difference between GUILT and SHAME.

GUILT is how you feel about your choices.

SHAME is how you feel about yourself.

"I was late to a date again, that was inconsiderate": GUILT. The issue can be resolved by analyzing the reason behind the action and planning steps to avoid repeating it in the future. Guilt is productive because it motivates us to improve our choices. Once you've corrected the behaviour, it's over.

A"I was late to a date again, I'm inconsiderate": SHAME. The issue can be resolved by asking ourselves:

What negative thing to I believe about myself?

What other experiences support this belief? What evidence do I have that the bad thing is true?

Do those previous experiences have anything in common? Where they actually proof of a personal lack, or did someone just tell me they were? Were my choices and actions understandable? Did I have a reason? Was I trying to hurt others, or was it a mistake, accident, or learning experience? Have I grown from that experience?

Can I forgive myself for the past? What do I need to do to forgive myself for those past events? Was I really at fault at all, or was it out of my control?

Accept that.

Your present traumas and shames often have roots in beliefs you had about yourself before the new shameful thing occurred. When you dig into resolving the issues that led to today, you can use those conclusions to work through tomorrow. This is something I learned in cognitive behavioral therapy.

There are a number of ways of unpacking these questions, but as I felt I was deliberately avoiding my thoughts and feelings, I chose to jump into them directly, and found it to be effective.

You can write things down, talk to someone, paint something, draw something, whatever. Whatever at all works for you.

My solutions was to find a comfortable place on the floor, sit down, close my eyes, and do box-breathing (in for 4, hold for 4, out for 4, hold for 4) while deliberately thinking about every upsetting memory attached to a specific bad belief that I could recall until I had nothing left to go over.

Judge and jury. Was I a bad person, or did I make a mistake? Did I have malicious intentions, or did someone accuse me of malicious intentions? Am I bad, or have I been conditioned to believe I'm bad? And at the end of it all, am I capable of better? Do I want to be better? And would a truly bad person care?

It was more emotional than I expected the first few times. Cried a lot, actually. But if I can liken it to a common feeling, it was like getting out of a very thorough shower and realizing you didn't know how dirty you were before.

The process sucks ass, no lie, but it's worth it. Like draining pus from a gnarly wound to get it healed up properly.

I'm not an expert, of course, but life has gotten better since I started. I'm better at forgiving myself, at least.

Also: Some people will never forgive others even for tiny things. Sometimes once you've done your best, you've just gotta say "fuck 'em". C'est la vie, mon amie.

Good luck, yeah?

♡

[navree]

still on this, THE THING IS the bones of this aren't even actually that bad.

bruce has done something horrendous, something objectively heinous, to his child, and to his child who has already suffered so egregiously in such a short lifespan (until they start letting dick grayson be a man in his thirties jason cannot be older than early twenties, like, college age early twenties, at max he's only barely legally allowed to drink). and he has the perfect out he could use if he wanted to deflect responsibility, it was zur, it wasn't really him, so he cannot really be faulted for what he's done. but he doesn't take it, he chooses the hard path but the right path, and takes responsibility. he acknowledges that even if he wasn't in his right mind, it was still him, a version of him anyway, that did something really, really bad to someone he's sworn to love and protect and who did not deserve anything like that. bruce taking the ownership for his shitty decisions rather than trying to find the loophole, that's good. and it can even work with jason attempting to brush it off, like i mentioned before, jason is canonically a forgiving person who does not prioritize himself, and will continuously turn the other cheek to those who hurt him if they happen to be people he loves. i can absolutely see jason trying to give bruce that out (though not with that fucking therapy speak bullshit, jason todd has never been to therapy because people with healthy coping mechanisms don't create the fucking red hood plan at the big age of sixteen).

the thing is, the thing that could have made this good but didn't because instead they decided to continue making this story shitty from start to finish, is that bruce can't take it. it's good that bruce is owning what happened and bearing the responsibility and referring to it as "what i did to you" rather than passing it off in a bid to get jason to move on. and it can work that jason would try to go "it's fine it wasn't really you" about it. but you lose any good when bruce agrees with him and just goes "yeah you're right. anyway!" what's the point of bruce taking responsibility for a horrific deed in a symbol of growth (and we know it's supposed to be about growth because he prefaces it with talking about how his kids are his family and he needs to acknowledge that to them and let them know what they mean to him) if it's immediately smoothed over? it's utterly meaningless, he might as well have just told jason that he can't be blamed and jason could have just nodded and agreed. the bones were there but then ya fucked it, it literally doesn't mean anything at all. it's the narrative equivalent of going "i have a lit stick of dynamite" only for someone to immediately pour water on it. it has no impact now and it loses any catharsis for the readers, let alone deflating that emotional beat in narrative and making everything just seem stupid. even if jason attempts forgiveness, it doesn't work if bruce accepts it. he needed to say that even if jason is trying to absolve him, he still did it, he still needs to own up to it, jason is still entitled to whatever feelings about it, and he still needs to fix it along with actively working for a redemption and acknowledging his responsibility in that regard. not just go "yeah you're right it's in the past hakuna matata never gonna blame myself for my own shortcomings ever again" and promptly move on to more bullshit.

and like, you're nerfing your own ability to write good stories in the future! for one, it's good if bruce grows from this whole debacle, and does consistently put effort for future issues into not just reminding himself he needs to acknowledge his family, but that he can't take the easy way out and he needs to own up to things even when they were done when he wasn't totally himself. for two, you could have a story where bruce doesn't just have to atone, he has to actually fix his mistake. jason's got this chip in him, bruce has acknowledged that this is something HE did and needs to take responsibility for, have him be the one to fix it! have him be the one to try and find a solution, a way to undo it or nerf it or get it out. have him work to fix this issue that he caused, have him be the one to attempt to mend it and do right by someone he did wrong.

not to mention, it can work from a narrative perspective. batman is a detective, have the search for a cure/fix/whatever be a detective story. false leads, dead ends, red herrings, clues that need to be uncovered, new twists and turns. and for another thing, it works to have bruce try to right a wrong he did to jason specifically. bruce's big failure, in his mind, his greatest unforgivable sin, is that he did not save jason. that jason needed his help and bruce failed him, bruce wasn't there. so it makes sense that, when given the opportunity to make up for that in a way, to be there when he's needed, to help him when he needs it, to essentially make it in time in a way he couldn't on the day jason died, of course he'd throw himself into it with 110%. of course he'd decide that, this time, he won't fail. jason is hurting and in need of help because of him but this time it won't end in the worst way imaginable. this time, bruce is gonna fix it. it would make for great storytelling, and good character moments for bruce AS a character.

but i never get the things i want so instead i got some decent legs to build on that were immediately hacked out from under me in the same fucking panel and the chip thing is likely gonna be solved off-page without any real introspection into bruce doing this really horrible thing to jason or growing from his fuckups or growing in his relationship with jason or jason dealing with this and the two of them actually putting in some work to come back together strong than ever and build a new, better baseline as bruce accepts accountability and jason offers forgiveness once it's earned, for once in his life. and this entire plotline will literally never be brought up again except to explain why tim has a clone-damian suit that looks ugly as shit.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for accepting money/gifts from my mom?

(🦭🐟 to help find later)

Ok bear with me here because this is a serious question w/ some context even though the question doesn't seem bad.

My (19NB) mom (54F) is not a very good parent. Things were not great when I was a kid, to say the least. It's complicated to get into so I'm gonna glaze over most of it and say I plan to go low/no contact when I'm older and can afford to support myself on my own. For now I'm amicable since I need help while getting through college. This has been my plan for a WHILE but I've started to feel a little guilty?

My biggest issue with my mom is the way that she treats/treated my siblings. Sometimes she gets on my nerves but I know I have the privilege of being the youngest (and the favorite) therefore my parents don't pull the same kind of bullshit with me. For example one of my siblings had family therapy with her, and she would frequently not show up and leave them to do the exercises with the other families in the group session that they didn't know. She also complained about their suicide attempt. She talks down to my oldest sister because she couldn't pursue the medical career my parents wanted because she couldn't deal with the cadavers, and since she spent her whole education trying to reach their standards she's been lost trying to figure out what she wants for herself, and my parents keep harping on her for not having a career plan and being "useless". This is only the tip of the iceberg, and it's plenty enough for me to feel justified in my decision to eventually go no contact. I am not asking if AITA for cutting her off, that is not where the guilt is.

It's always been the case that instead of directly saying she was wrong my mom would spend a lot of money on us and buy gifts (usually stuff she likes and not what we like, but I figured out I could leverage her guilt to buy specific things bc free stuff ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ even if I don't forgive her). I think this is because she didn't have much money growing up so now she's a shopaholic now that she has the money to do so (both my parents are in the medical field so they are far from poor. abt upper middle class). She also keeps defending our uncle despite us bringing up how he's creepy and pervy and makes us uncomfortable, and she has some... interesting political takes (like defending the price of insulin being so high???)

My mom I think has been trying to be better but she still never apologizes for any of her actions and is guilt trippy by saying stuff abt how we all think shes a bad mom that caused all her kids to be depressed and suicidal. So its not enough of an improvement for me to forgive her, but I do notice that she walks away from situations sometimes rather than blow her fuse, and she's more tolerant of my ADHD and queerness than she used to be. And she's been trying to be more supportive of me and my decision to pursue an art career. I do believe that people can get better and change themselves, I just think in the case of my mom it's too little too late (and she hasn't improved her relationship with my siblings as much). I've also been polite and friendly since I'm still living with her.

So like, this combined with me accepting her gifts makes me think I'm leading her on? Like she thinks that she's salvaging a relationship with one of her kids and that I'll stay. And I feel a little bad about that. Like if it was JUST the gifts I would feel no guilt bc if she thinks she can bribe her way into our good graces without changing her behavior than shes gonna be down money and still have no kids. But shes trying to improve, albeit slowly and not when we needed her, but better nonetheless. So it feels less "this is the least she could do given the trauma" and more "i feel like i'm taking advantage of her".

One of my siblings refuses to accept her money on principle (they've already moved out) and it makes me think I should probably do the same, but also i dont know if I can since I don't have a job yet and I'm still in school, so maybe just refuse the gifts thing? But neither of my siblings seem to have an issue with my relationship with her, so maybe I shouldn't feel bad? She's treating me better so I feel I have less justification for using her wealth for my own benefit, even if I still don't forgive her for how she treated my siblings.

Basically, AITA for still accepting guilt money/gifts from my shitty mom despite planning on cutting her off later on?

What are these acronyms?

[halfhissandwich]

What your favorite Sanders Sides episode says about you because I’m binging the series rn and I wanna do this. All of this is a joke, I’m just being silly

My True Identity: Wow look at the fun little identity crisis series! Would be a shame if this goes downhill, right? Yeah, that’s what denial of the inevitable sounds like.

Way Too Adult: I’m willing to bet you’re a fan of the Unsympathetic Patton stuff. Just the vibe I get.

Taking on Anxiety!: I’m so sorry for the atrocities that have occurred in this fandom regarding Virgil. All you wanted was a sassy little emo boy and the fandom made him the embodiment of uwu, I’M SO SORRY-

A New Year of Lying to Myself… In Song!: You just like the song. I feel you, I like the song too.

The Dark Side of Disney!: We meet again, prinxiety shippers. :)

I’m in a Disney show!: Your favorite character is C!Thomas.

The Mind vs. The Heart: I won’t say you’re a logicality shipper… but if they got married, you definitely wouldn’t complain.

Dad’s Big Game Day Tips: … Daddy issues. I’m sorry, it needed to be said.

Alone on Valentines Day: I don’t have a joke here, but I’ll just say that my first thought was ��aromantic”, so take that as you will.

Losing My Motivation: Oh my gosh. We get it. Logan is wonderful. That’s the 5th PowerPoint you’ve made today. Please just let me go home.

Q&A: You want an updated one. Me too, buddy, me too.

Am I Original: Going back and rewatching this video after POF makes you cry every single time.

My Negative Thinking: Hey analogical shippers, how are you doing? Still starving? … anyway let’s do some more logicality and prinxiety, shall we? :)

Growing Up: You’re everything that the people who’s favorite episode is “Losing My Motivation” are, but for Patton, and you don’t understand why the fandom thinks he’s kind of problematic.

Making Some Changes: *obnoxious chanting* LAMP LAMP LAMP LAMP LAMP LAMP LAMP LAMP LAM-

Becoming A Cartoon: … I won’t say anything. I won’t crush your dreams. I’ll just observe, smile, nod and just move on.

Accepting Anxiety: I don’t blame you, a lot of work was put into that episode. By the way you know you can ship prinxiety platonically, right? You can like it platonically without liking it romantically, I-I hope you know that-

Fitting In: You’re actively choosing to ignore drama online and I’m impressed with that, also you are aware that it’s messed up to bash Thomas for making a Harry Potter video 6 years ago, IT WAS SIX YEARS AGO AND HE LIKED HARRY POTTER, DON’T YOU DARE CANCEL THOMAS FOR THAT-

Moving On: Sorry, I’d write a joke for this one but I’m too busy crying-

12 Days Of Christmas: holy wow- no thoughts, head empty. You saw the colorful and festive little Christmas special and you actually said “:D” out loud.

Can Lying be Good: THEATER KIDS, ASSEMBLE!

Why do we get out of bed in the morning?: You probably said one thing in support of logince at one point in your entire life and you got chased with pitchforks by the prinxiety shippers and then Roman started bullying Logan, I am so sorry for this fandom’s sins :(

Crofters the musical: You’re basically Roman in this episode. “But look at him now! (Cue Logan chugging jam like a fucking madman) He’s just so COOL!”

Learning New Things About Ourselves: Your motto is “angst doesn’t exist if I can’t see it.”

Embarrassing Phases: I… completely forgot this episode existed. This is your favorite? I’m not judging your taste or anything, but what’s with your taste?

Selfishness v. Selflessness: Your favorite design? Janus. Your favorite personality? Janus. Your favorite ship? A Janus ship. Your favorite side? … Logan.

Dealing with Intrusive Thoughts: Remus’ abandonment issues aren’t canon. But if I say that too loud, then you people might stab me, so nevermind.

Are There Healthy Distractions: Apparently this episode’s plot of Thomas forgiving his previously homophobic friend is an analogy for Thomas forgiving Virgil for having been a dark side. That’s the connection! I missed it too! I thought it was a silly Frozen episode too! IT’S ABOUT VIRGIL!

Putting Others First: … guys, you can stop fighting the moceit vs roceit war, neither of them will ever be canon. ALSO HOLY WOW PATTON IS A FROG AND HE’S RIPPED FOR SOME REASON, WHAT THE FU-

Flirting With Social Anxiety: Your number one headcanon for the season 2 finale is a direct Frozen quote where Patton is like “Thomas you can’t marry a man you just met” and Roman is like “you can if it’s true love! >:0” (also hi again prinxiety shippers!)

Working Through Intrusive Thoughts: You have anger issues and you relate to Logan. Or you’re just happy to see the silly, goofy, demented Duke with fandom-inflicted abandonment issues!

[wc-confessions]

I've recently REALLY attached myself to Clear Sky and Thunder from DotC because I've been rewriting the arc, and all the while, I have been experiencing a lot of really stressful things with my own father. I also feel connected with a semi-oc character I've written as a fusion of Bright Stream and Storm: Bright Storm, which was originally inspired by Bonefall, along with a lot of the foundations of my changes.

In my Rewrite Clear Sky's dad went missing and was never found. This was originally a Bonefall-inspired change, but now I feel deeply connected to it as my own thing because it's happening with my dad right now. He's been missing for over two months, and so far we've found nothing. Ive written Clear Sky to be sort of crushed by a feeling that nobody else cares, like his dad was brushed under the rug and forgotten, and i can share that feeling with him for somewhat more justifiable reasons from people around me.

Also in my Rewrite, Thunder feels a lot of disdain for Clear Sky for what he did to him and his mother, but can't help but grapple to the fantasy of a Good Dad and Happy Family, especially after him and himself nearly dying in that fire. I feel this really hard, and I added those feelings as a way of projecting, but I especially connect to it now that I know my dad could be gone for good after so long of never seeing him. Second, I wrote Thunder being disabled, just as Bonefall did, and I find the change really really important on that surface-level message against ableism, but I also write it as an analogy for being queer, and how i feel about my identity as such. This is because I wanted to be able to keep that message of yk don't be fucking ableist, but also include symbolic messages of homophobia and transphobia, because I refuse to just summon the actual issue out of thin air and make it a thing in my Rewrite.

Anyways, when it comes to Bright Storm herself, she's a bit of an outlier, because i dont relate her to me, i relate her to my mom, who fought with her relationship with my dad for years, getting in and out of it for her, my, and my siblings' sakes'. She seemingly also grappled with the idea of the Happy Family American Dream. I've written Bright Storm near the beginning of the books as being in that stage of confliction that my mom was when I was young (hopeful yet broken, and somewhat desperate), and over the arc she'll move on and recover just as my mom has, growing into herself and her confidence, and accepting she doesnt need Clear Sky, and doesnt have to forgive him for any reason, no matter how much he changes, because he still hurt her and her kit regardless. I see my own mother in her, so I'm really attached, there, too.

Basically what I'm saying is that while I feel really cringey about it, this series, especially DotC, has grown to be something I find a lot of connection to on a deeper level, and hold really close to me, especially in regards to how I Rewrite it. That's my confession.

.

[alivish]

To Be a Tsukasa Fan is to Suffer

So I haven't really thought about Tsukasa5 in a while, in light of the most recent event release all my feelings have come rushing back and I've decided to just write it out.

I feel like Colopale really dropped the ball with Tsukasa5.

1. The Reveal

Firstly, it's reveal. It was revealed along with Kohane5 before the Bloomfes event. Since Colorfes has never been connected with a character focus event, so since Kohane5 was revealed before Tsukasa5 a large part of the fandom, myself included assumed the July would play out like this.

Bloomfest -> Kohane5 -> L/n WL -> Tsukasa5

Tsukasa5 would be the lim, but in reality Kohane5 was comnected to Bloomfes and was the lim event, while Tsukasa5 was perm.

Which alright fair, in the same way colorfes has never been connected to a character focus event, the lim event would usually be revealed at the end of the month instead of the beginning.

I can give this a pass, we as a fandom assumed that Tsukasa5 would be lim because VBS had just gotten a lim event and we assumed Bloomfes would be tied to a mix event. It still bothers me, but it's not as if Colopale promised a Tsukasa lim, we just assumed it was.

So, I can accept this.

2. The Number

It's the 87th event and Tsukasa's number is 88. Counting Cellphone Love Story it's technically the 88th commisioned song, but no one's counting Cellphone Love Story.

But alright, N25 and MMJ just got an event in June and since July had L/n WL was on July, it was either going to be a WxS or VBS event. Ignoring the fact that if a mixed event were to happen it could be just VBS but whatever.

Was it possible to make Tsukasa5 the 88th character focus? Yes.

Do I understand why it was the 87th? Yes.

3. The Story

I have no problem with the song, I like Sucessful Defeat AAAAA! and I think Wonderful Oppurtunity did a great job, I'm just not a fan of the story.

To preface this I've only read the first two parts of the story because I have not found any further translations, which probably show how most people feel about the story.

I think the main issue is that this story feels kind of like filler. It's WxS go to an Edo Period set and solve a crime, the issue to me is that it doesn't feel like it move WxS story or Tsukasa's story in any meaningful way.

I'm not asking for Tsukasa angst, but if we're getting a Tsukasa focus once a year, at the very least I'd like it if I gained a deeper understanding of his character or it feels as if he's move forward in a meaninful way. This event just doesn't feel like it does.

4. Airi5

Congrats to all you Airi fans, she did need another lim, did it just have to be now.

I could forgive Colopale with my issues with Tsukasa5 if it weren't for Airi5. Right after L/n WL it's the 88th event and it's lim and it's Airi5. It feels like Colopale's rubbing salt in the wound to all us Tsukasa fans.

I'd be fine if it was a mixed perm then L/n WL then Airi5 then Tsukasa5, cause at least Tsukasa's getting the 88th event.

It feels like all of hopes and dreams that Tsukasa fans had for his 5th event had been dashed away and was given to Airi.

Congratulations to all you Airi fans, I truly am happy for you. However as you celebrate the gift that you have received, I shall be mourning for a world that never existed.

[instruth]

A MIRACLE OF LOVE - a true story

(edited version)

In the autumn of 1990,

I was blessed with a 30-day silent retreat

at St Beuno’s Monastery in North Wales.

It was a Silent Spiritual Exercise of St Ignatius of Loyola, based on the Holy Scriptures.

I was instructed to meditate silently, five times a day, every day, for an hour per meditation, on scripture passages prescribed by my spiritual director. We met each morning after breakfast for twenty to thirty minutes, with detailed guidance to spiritual direction, passages to meditate on, and consultation on problems or distractions at prayers or to ask questions on any issue at hand.

I was also instructed strictly to ask for grace, before setting down to pray. He said it is essential to obtain grace, i.e. to ask for divine intervention, in soul and in spirit. It is asking for God to be an integral part of my prayer.

Later, I discover it is learning discipline and perseverance in prayer. I asked him, How do I ask for grace?

He replied, Just ask for help, whether you believe it or not, whether you mean it or not.

I said, Isn’t that dishonest?

He just smiled.

After my first week, he began to drop hints and make suggestions on what specific grace to ask for. When he noticed I was still at a loss, he suggested the grace of Openness or Generosity.

As I progressed silently into my daily contemplative exercises, I noticed changes in myself and a gratifying transformation within.

I began to understand the magnitude and intensity of praying out the reality of any immediate situation, such as rage, hatred, frustration, helplessness, doubts and unforgiveness, trust and more doubts, both past and present.

However, every time I asked for grace, I felt like a hypocrite, the grace of faith, forgiveness, kindness and goodness. And I couldn’t make any headway, until I prayed for the grace of Openness and Generosity. I soon learned it was me being open to the Divine, exactly as I am. It was me being generous with the offering of my self, no matter how sinful, no matter how unworthy I might think or remember.

It was realizing I am being asked, “John, what do you really want?”

I just poured out my frustrations, my conflicts and my fear. I confessed, I hate this person, I dislike the other, I despise another, this one annoys me, that one is exactly like my mother, my father, my headmaster, my so-called friend, my foe, ... I went on and on. I concluded, how can I ever forgive or love that person? None of them is even sorry!

That was the grace of Openness and Generosity. And I was ready to proceed with the silent spiritual exercises. There is an inward need to deal with the real issues in me before I could move on. I understood why I had been stuck, like I was stuck in my mother’s birth canal. But that’s another story.

True, I began by asking for grace I didn’t mean. I was dishonest even in prayer. But God heard me. He looked into my heart and He knew what had been bothering me. He saw truth in me about my own sinfulness, fear and misconceptions. He knew me, more than I know myself. In the end I poured out my own inner truth. That’s honesty. And God accepted it as such. I felt God embracing me. And I wept!

He accepted me in my wretchedness. That’s real, the real me. It’s as honest as I can be. The honest truth about myself.

This is what God wants from me. No pretense. Just me in my sinfulness. After this, I began to see God in all my sins. And I know instantly, He loves me. He did not abandon me.

The good that came out of this was I learned the truth that I cannot love, not on my own. I do not know how. I don’t have the power to love, not until I have first experienced being loved. Only then will I know truly what love is.

During my 30 days of Silent Spiritual Exercises, I experienced deep and true love. I was loved; I am loved. I understood then the meaning of Unconditional Love. I experienced it. With this experience I am then ready to learn to love, beginning first with myself - loving myself and forgiving myself, before I can do the same for another.

On my last day, after meeting my spiritual director, I went to pray at the chapel alone. I thanked God and poured out my sincere appreciation for his timely intervention and blessing. I said, O God, I have never done anything good for you or given you anything precious, why are you so good to me?

I heard a prompting within, “But you have given me something that is very precious to you.”

What! Tell me what I have given you.

“You gave me your time, John.”

©Johnny J P Lee

21 May 2024

Excerpts from my spiritual journal, from which I have written several books.

(Photos Credit, St Beuno’s Monastery, established since 1846, The Diocese of Wrexham)

[acorpsecalledcorva]

While I do definitely wholly agree that no perspective or technique is universally useful and helpful for everyone, I definitely think there is value in being open to the perspectives and techniques that we've dismissed in a limited and specific way when we struggle.

For instance, I use parts language and view the system, including myself as a part as all being part of a collective singular me. It's why I tend not to use we/us a lot. I, and the other mes take ownership of all actions taken by petty much everyone in the system because this creates a sense of cohesion and continuality that allow us to function. It reduces daily amnesia because we're not constantly trying to distance ourselves from each other and generally reduces friction around decisions trusting that they're made with the system in mind rather than personally for each part. HOWEVER, I've always hated myself. I have incredibly negative opinions about who I am and punish myself a lot for just being me or not being a better version of me. Any mistakes I make are treated with severe prejudice and I don't accept nice things because I feel like I don't deserve them.

I would never treat anyone else like that though, I wouldn't think these things about a friend. And so for these issues it IS useful to view my parts as completely separate people, to think of them as friends or colleagues or family, because I can show them the compassion I cannot show myself. If an alter fucks up or does something harmful I can remember that they come from a history of pain and isolation, I can understand their actions and forgive them, think about what they might need from me to heal and help them move on because I truly believe that everyone is deserving of rehabilitation.

Sometimes though, I have to reverse engineer this situation. Often an issue with persecutors is that they feel rejected, their actions and behaviours were once a helpful coping mechanism but when our lives changed and we moved on it became less and less appropriate to do those things. They get stuck doing the only thing they know how to do and become increasingly frustrated that it's no longer working or being appreciated by the system. They're hostile to everyone else because they've been treated with hostility and aren't open to reconciliation because by that time it's like "oh what? Now you want to talk? Fuck you". To write them off is to confirm what they think about themselves. That they're bad and evil and so what's the point in getting better because they don't deserve compassion or acceptance from the system. Sound familiar?

So what do I do? Well, from my distanced perspective I then have to approach it with curiosity. Why might I behave this way? What scenario might lead me to do these things? What environment might convince me that this is a necessary thing to do? Can I find empathy with this position or similarities? Could that be a point of connection through which to make a connection? To show that I truly understand what they're going through and genuinely want to help?

Or even, am I subconsciously a willing participant in this dynamic? I hate myself, right? Do I think I deserve these things to do be done to me? At one point in time is this behaviour what I thought showing love was? Is this what it meant to be cared for to me back then? Does this situation feel safer to me in a way because pain and suffering is the devil I know?

In Existential Kink, Carolyn Elliott believes that we create painful scenarios for ourselves because our brains desire a more complete human experience, the good with the bad, and the more we conciously reject and resent the bad the more we desire it and create badness for ourselves. It is only by accepting this desire and gratifying ourselves by enjoying it and being grateful for the terrible things that happen that we can move on and seek out the good. Which is...definitely one of the takes of all time. I definitely take issues with the implications of victim blaming that are prevalent throughout her book, but there is insight to be drawn for sure. And in fact, the number one recommended approach to a persecutor is gratitude. To thank them for doing what they do, to show them that they're appreciated for their role and what they're trying to do, because from that position it may very well be more possible to provide constructive criticism. You have to mean it though, because by living in your head they can usually tell your true feelings.

And I completely understand why that might feel impossible to do when you feel like what they do is unforgivable, but there's a very important lesson that everyone needs to learn if they want to grow. And that's that sometimes it is up to us to take responsibility for a situation, even when we really shouldn't have to, even when it so completely isn't our fault or fair in the slightest. If what a persecutor needs to feel to change their behaviour is gratitude and acceptance, to feel that they really are a vital part of the system just like everyone else, and by providing this for them we can make things better for ourselves and the rest of the system, to create a net positive effect on all regards, then... shouldn't we? Not because of some moral duty to do the right thing or be the better person, but simply because things would be better?

Like, if there's a $1000 dollars on a table that's free for you to take, if you don't take it then no one will get it, it's only there for you to take or not with no judgement or consequences either way even if you feel like there will be, would you really not take it? And if not, then why? Do you think it's a trick? Do you think that you don't deserve it? You see how these all loop around and connect to each other?

This post is long and confusing because these situations are complicated and don't have any simple answers. All I'm trying to highlight and urge everyone to do is to never stop being curious. Always ask yourself questions, always approach something from a different angle. Especially when you come across obstacles that feel impossible. If anything that I've said feels completely wrong to you, rather than dismissing it as not being applicable to you ask yourself why you feel like it doesn't? If your persecutor is actually irredeemable and evil but mine are not, what makes you different than me? Is it easier for you to think that because then you don't have to put in the work? Does it make you feel special to have a kind of persecutor someone else doesn't? If what I'm saying right now offends you, is there a possibility, however small you think it may be, that deep down it might be true?

No, I don't think you can say for certain that every persecutor is a misguided protector, but what if the one you've decided definitely isn't actually is? What if you're wrong about them? What if you can fix it and make things better? Shouldn't you try? Why not?

[nightrae13]

I know we all need to hear this regardless if you believe it or not, but God loves you, you know? Bad things happen in this life because of our free will, because we deliberately choose to sin and be selfish. That sin caused death to exist and drove us away from God. However, God loves us so much that Jesus died to take up that punishment of our sins. Imagine that the only sinless man on this world was beaten and humiliated to death for all of us. Still, He rose again, and defeated death, so that if we believe in Him, tho our physical bodies will still die, we can still live again with Him in Heaven! I know some already heard this, and would think that I'm speaking gibberish, but I stand with my faith. If I can be corny with fictional characters and fandom (that I do enjoy but never really completed me and brought me peace), even more so with God!

I just went to confession earlier after I wasn't satisfied with how I read in the mass eve though it was already my seventh time. I realized that I performed poorly because I kept my world isolated out of guilt and pride with my own issues and grudges with myself and other people, and because I lived only for school and social media for so long. I closed myself and feel incomplete and distant. The same time, I also reflected on our Philosophy class about death, and our project to make a reflective essay about "Tuesdays with Morrie." That lesson and story got me thinking on "how long will I live like this? Living in fear from people because I don't want to be rejected for my beliefs? When will I stop going with the crowd instead of forming communities? When will I stop drowning myself with pride from admitting I was wrong and secretly hated others?" I may be young, but anything can happen, you know? As I learned from Morrie, he gave himself time to cry, but he moved on because he wanted to make the most of his life striving to be happy than waste it with regret. How long do we ponder in the past that we forget the present exactly?

TLDR: feel like this ramble is so unorganized but I just want to share how happy I am to go to confession earlier as a huge weight was lifted off me, and I can finally start again. I'm done living to please other people and living with hatred and pride. It's still a working progress, but it's all possible because God is there for me. Even if I backslid and avoided testifying then, He didn't give up. This happiness came because through His blood I am cleansed. Sometimes, we really forget how much He sacrificed for us, so that the Spirit can dwell with us to guide us in our lives if we accept Him. The priest told me that I should let go of my grudges and hatred for myself because God loves me. I hope you guys know that too <33

I know some Christians who'd read this aren't Catholic, but as someone who struggled with Catholic faith as well despite growing up as one, I do have to thank Impact Ministries (I recommend this vid btw) for enlightening me that confessing to fellow Christians does help even if God is the only one that can forgive us. Catholic or not, it really helps if you have someone to confide in with your struggles :)

[justsomecookie]

I'm writing a story, but before I publish it I wanna see what you guys think, tell me how it looks please :3

TWs: Death, reanimation, identity issues, [I'm not good at listing TWs sorry]

Living Corpse

I Got Better.

Light. Darkness. Pain. Sleep. I'm trying to remember what just happened, but it's blurry right now. Where am I? I close my eyes again and try to recall the last thing I remember.

Car. I was sitting in the car, we were driving somewhere. I was messaging my boyfriend, or playing games I think. My mom was driving, but we didn't have anything to talk about.

I remember thinking about myself. Who I was. Do I remember who I am? Of course I do. I'm Alex. I'm 15 and happily taken, temporarily long distance. I'm genderfluid and gay, I have friends.

There was something else that I remember... A crash? Broken glass? It feels so blurry, I think... I think I’d rather not think about it right now.

I open my eyes again. Dim LED lights. White walls, maybe a bit dirty. 10 beds. I'm on one of them. People are on the others, covered with blankets like they're...

I wasn't always this pale.

3 years later

"Morning, mom," I greet. My mom's not a terrible person, she cares about her children a lot. She's also hurt us a lot, and I've tried forgiving her, but if she's not willing to accept she's done something wrong then I don't think I can.

"Good morning, Alex," she replied. "I didn't think I'd see you up again so early. It's not even 12 yet, haha."

"Well I actually went to bed on time, I slept like a... like a baby." What's wrong with me? It's been years, yet I still... 'I slept like a corpse.

I'm not 100% sure if I still need to eat, but I do anyways. Honestly, I'm scared of... myself. It'll be fine if I pretend everything's the same though, I don't even need to tell my friends.

I'll heat up some pizza rolls, counting by threes to make sure I have 12 on there, like it says to have on the package. Three, three, three, three.

I'm not sure how to describe it, but everything's off. As if it's dull, yet full flavor. All my senses are like that, and it doesn't make sense. I eat anyways.

I tug on my hoodie strings. Today's going to be one of those days I suppose. I don't know what I'm supposed to do with my life. I feel unable to move on, unable to continue.

I'm not going to dump it all on my boyfriend, I feel like my family wants to cover it up, and my friends don't need to know. And my... 'condition...' is so rare it's impossible to find anyone else to relate too.

All I can think of to do right now is watch my comfort Let's Player. His videos are different. They're not over the top, exaggerated, faked, and they're really comfortable. And he's showed me the best horror I've seen.

Like him, it's not over the top, not even "this scary monster is coming after you." It's a mod of a popular building game. It changes the things you build, it builds its own things, it sometimes shows up and scares you, but it doesn't rely on cheap jumpscares, it relies on driving you insane.

Sometimes, insanity is very difficult to imagine. Other times, I wonder how similiar it is to a 'normal' mind.

-----

As I lie awake at night, my thoughts wander aimlessly. I think about everything that's changed since then. I don't dream. I'm not sure if I need to eat or sleep, or if I even age. My hair is lighter but it's dyed anyways. I'm pale and cold. I have scars and markings from broken glass impaling my stomach, from my legs being crushed under a dislodged car seat. I can't feel pain down there but I can anywhere else.

Some nights, I'm so cold. I feel so alone. So empty. Nobody else, not a single soul, knows what it's like to live on the veil of life and death. Not quite dead, not quite living, but for sure I'm still existing.

Can I ever cross the barrier? To either side, I barely care anymore. Maybe I'll start poetry. What's good symbolism for death? I feel like a skull would be too on-the-nose, maybe a raven?

I drift off to sleep.

-----

The raven calls my name

The one I taught it to speak

Yet I don't respond

I'm far too weak

[fanficrocks]

Chapter 2 of Cardinal Points

Now on AO3.

Continuation of @chrumblr-whumblr day 29 - Infection fan fic.

Chapter 3 and Epilogue to come over the weekend!

Chapter 2: Presence?

Waiting in this altered state was weird, thought Robbie. He could not sense the passage of time in the usual way, nor was he aware of falling asleep or waking up. Nonetheless, there were little clues that seemed quite informative, at least to a seasoned detective - an alteration in the sounds permeating the room, a slight dimming of the fluorescent lights, less movement all around. So he continued to wait, though he could not remember what - or rather, who - he was waiting for. All he knew was that it was important.

Some hours later - or perhaps they were only minutes - he once again felt the draught from the opening door. And heard indistinct voices… one remonstrating, and another, deeper and with a familiar cadence, responding with something the owner of the first voice presumably accepted. As he continued to watch and listen, or whatever he was doing in that state, a figure entered the room - tall, lanky, with close-cropped blond hair - James, seeming almost like a stranger after his prolonged absence, yet so familiar… and so dear. 

James stood watching the silent figure in the bed for some time, head bowed and lips moving although no sound issued forth. Was the lad praying over him? Or whatever passed for him on that bed? Better not be - after all, he should know better after almost 8 years. Even as he thought that, James pulled up the visitor’s chair on the near side and seated himself, taking one of the lax hands of that still figure between both of his own. He clutched that hand tightly for a moment before raising it and resting his closed eyes against it as he pressed his lips to the pulse fluttering all too faintly at the wrist. 

Robbie would have given anything at that moment to have been able to reassure his awkward sod, to hug him, or even just return the pressure of his hand. But no matter how strong his (or his spirit’s) will, the still figure in the bed would not obey. All he could do was to continue to watch… and to strain every fibre to listen as James swallowed convulsively before starting to speak.

“Robert, you better not do this - just go away with no word. You can’t… you should know that by now! 

I know, pot and kettle. But I guess I took you for granted… assumed you would be there when I was ready to talk… to listen, to understand me better than I do myself; and if it is humanly possible, to forgive. 

Because if you cannot forgive my errors of omission and commission, there is no one else on earth who can. You always had too large a heart where I was concerned, didn’t you?”

Robbie felt his chest hurt as he heard the suppressed anguish in these mumbled words, and just for a moment, wondered how he could sense pain in this altered state. But really, whatever was James thinking of that needed forgiveness? Surely the lad could stop with the self-flagellation… the current series of unfortunate events had nothing to do with him! Straining every sense he had, Robbie tried to press the fingers holding his, to reassure the daft lad. All to no avail - that corporeal self in the bed would not, or perhaps could not, listen to his mind or spirit, whatever was issuing the orders. But James was not done yet.

“Please Robert, where is your fighting spirit? You have overcome so much and finally found your way to happiness again. Surely you cannot give it up now? Think of Laura, who is so happy to share your life now; of Lyn, your little princess; even your Mark, who seems to have finally started coming around if what you told me last year is true. And little Andy - who will tell him all about his Grandma Val if you are not around to do that? 

I know others have said all this before, and said it better than I can. But maybe if enough of us say it, you will actually listen, stubborn sod that you are. 

And… I don’t know if I have a right to ask this after all I have done… But, who else will understand me? And love me - for you do, don’t you? In your own way.”

James’ voice ran out on a choked sob just then, and Robbie felt the splash of hot tears against the hand held so tightly. Again, even as he wondered how he could sense the heat and moisture, he tried - oh, how he tried - to respond in some way. But it was no use. 

Choking back more sobs, James replaced that limp hand on the blanket after dropping another kiss on the wrist, then stooped to kiss the forehead of that unmoving figure, and to beg once again “Please, Robert… please”. As he then turned and rushed unseeing out of the room, Robbie could only watch helplessly, wracked by memories - memories of himself kissing Morse’s dead forehead and wishing him farewell, memories of that awful night of 19th December 2002 when he knew that he had lost Val, and memories of the various times he thought he had lost James. 

Struggling to stay afloat in the sea of memories, he felt it again - that summons, or that tug at the edge of his consciousness. That unearthly voice or sensation, whatever it was, telling him that he had to decide - whether to stay or to go. And this time, there was no gainsaying it. There was no putting off the decision any further.

[c0pernicus]

I feel like I never really see people talk about just how bad the long term effects of prolonged abuse, or C-PTSD can really be in people, especially young people, and I wish it was talked about more.

I pretty much never talk about my own experiences for safety reasons, because I would always receive a whole mess if I did choose to try and tell others what I went through, and maybe that's what has made my experience with C-PTSD so bad, but its genuinely so debilitating.

The burn out, the exhaustion, the body aches and horrible sleep schedules and inability to maintain a job because my emotions and brain had really never recovered even years- half a decade- after everything stopped. The digestive issues, the memory problems, the entire lack of a sense of identity and self. The lack of want to put effort into my identity and self.

I feel like I'm chronically searching for someone that's supposed to be me. Constantly, I'm stuck now trying to validate a sense of self I no longer possess. Old passions, old hobbies, old things I liked and enjoyed- It feels like I've been stripped down to bone and nothing sticks anymore. If I have an interest it's very fleeting and I usually will drop it once I find I start to enjoy it, as if its been so heavily ingrained in my brain that peace and happiness and to just enjoy things isn't something I'm allowed. I've become incapable of thinking anything even neutral about myself at this point. I don't believe nearly anything anyone else says to me, and I feel very passive towards others in general if I'm not terrified of them instead. I lack friends and connections, and I constantly hide away from others.

I'm constantly frozen. I can't function on even a basic level if someone else is present in my home; I have to be doing what they're doing, or engaged in some way with what they're doing (Watching, observing, next to them at the very least and quietly doing something unobtrusive) or I can't do anything at all. If I am left alone I'm riddled with anxiety and my mood plummets, my intrusive thoughts are constant and like a horrible movie montage I can't turn off. Trying to lay down and sleep is no better, for years I've been stuck having to just occupy my brain until I pass out.

It's a constant ghost I just can't seem to exorcise from myself. No amount of trying to forgive or forget or let go or move on or accept has made a pebbles difference in the mountain I'm stuck under. I forget everything and anything except for what caused all of this; my wife and friend constantly cut me off to tell me that they've already heard what I'm telling from before from my own mouth, and they I know there are times where they let me continue like it's the first time I've ever told them the fact or the story and I'm simply none-the-wiser. I can't remember things I've done, things I need to do, events or recent days even. I feel stupid and airheaded on the best days, and I know it shows to others because they've told me before.

Work is hard because of the anxiety, the agoraphobia, the memory problems, the health problems. I'm sick constantly; I can't eat or retain food, I have the flu, I've caught Covid for the 8th time despite trying to be good about cleanliness when I leave the house and return. I can't eat a lot of food without being in pain, with it going right through me or sitting like a rock in my stomach for several days. My joints ache more often, my muscles are sore, my traps are solid to a concerning degree from the daily stress of just living with it all. I can't remember the last time my eyes weren't sunken in and purple-blue.

Therapists have only wanted to slap me with a diagnosis and an array of medications- none of which have worked. I've been told it's depression, it's anxiety, it's PTSD, it's bi-polar, it's BPD, it's psychotic depression, it's schizoaffective, it's DID. The DID one threw me for a loop, I'm not going to lie, but the rest were believable enough. I don't look at my medical charts anymore, so I don't know what I have or haven't been branded with by now. The meds and talk therapy never help, I never feel release, I don't believe words anymore- especially from strangers. The meds make the brain fog worse, or I feel numb, or people don't like the person I've become, or my self harming gets much worse, or I just want to kill myself enough to really try to.

Stress tips me over the edge so easily. The hallucinations suck and I resent them. They're a one way ticket to being unemployed and unfunctional for potentially months at a time, and it's humiliating after the fact as well. The last time I had a bad episode I believed there was a man living in my closet, and I couldn't go inside of it. I would hear him moving around inside, he'd yell and get so angry if you opened the door. I've thankfully forgotten the name I gave him; it was something stupid for sure.

I've become a miserable ghost, and I don't see any light at the end of the long tunnel. There is no way back to my body. I'm just lost and wandering and witnessing but never participating. It hurts the most to think of how I was before too many things piled up; the passion and the drive and the creativity. Always making something, always doing something, there was always some project or plan or thing I was doing that I felt pride for. I didn't care if I was weird to others, because I was confident in myself.

I just lay down now, when I can. I do my dishes and my laundry, I try to shower when it doesn't make me nauseous to. I take care of my cats and I work jobs infrequently. I sit with my parents disappointment in who I've become like it's an old friend, and we share coffee and reveries.

I exist, begrudgingly. That is the only thing I try to take pride in now.

[ruminate88]

Healing Journal ❤️‍🩹 04/17/23

I started this account over a year ago.. I had JUST learned about emotional abuse. I was trapped on TikTok watching video after video and it was very draining. At some point, I couldn’t watch another one becuase it was sucking me dry. Yes, I gained great clarity and insight for my past but it sucked. ALL OF IT SUCKED!

I realized I had all these emotional wounds from the past and had suppressed so much. I had physically blocked two of my exes Jake and Andrew, accept for Cody, who actually blocked me and ghosted me. 🥺 I knew Cody ghosting was a burden inside of me for years but I just didn’t understand it or know what to do with it. I decided to start a blog to jot down my past and see if there’s anything there I needed to work on or heal… BOY OH BOY!! I found a boat load of junk to deal with. I opened up the door in my heart to ALL the unresolved feelings, issues and the fact I never got closure from Cody or Andrew!! (I’ve been working on that stil. I’m still grieving)

I have learned sooo much about “emotional abuse” and it does make a lot of sense to my past. I even found a guy on TikTok who says he’s a “diagnosed narcissist” and everything he says seems to explain words and actions from my ex Andrew that I couldn’t explain before. The truth is, not enough information takes away the pain or changes the past. Also, each person is different so I have to keep in mind how just because one person is a certain way, doesn’t mean all people with similar traits are the same way. I’m just trying to understand… (some people have different circumstances or life experiences)

Why would I need to understand my ex Andrew so much??? Well obviously, I believed at one point I was falling so madly deeply in love with him but he was also my most confusing breakup I ever had and treated me like “no big deal” and it hurt so much! 😭😭The way he moved on so quick when I spent 3 months hating myself and thinking about suicide all time.

LOVE is sooo powerful and so is lust. A part of me knew all along andrew was “too good to be true” and wouldn’t actually ever “love me” but he said he loved me at first, so I wanted it to be very true and told myself “I was so happy with him” but he bread crumbed me most of our relationship and manipulated me with “intermittent reinforcement” for MONTHS! I was super anxious and on edge the whole time with him because I never knew when he was going to leave me again for days or when he would come back and “be with me”. 😢😓 He kept disappointing me and making me feel bad for wanting to be in his presence… I felt bad for even telling him I loved him. I NEVER felt good enough for him!

Why talk about Andrew so much??? I mean, I was trauma bonded to him and obsessed with him. I’ve been trying to understand and also kill the feelings. I broke up with Andrew becuase he acted like he was put out by me and bothered. Plus he cheated. I KNEW I couldn’t trust him but it didn’t mean I stopped caring about “him” or feeling for him… I understand now I don’t know the real him but I still had strong feelings attached. 🥺❤️‍🩹

I don’t hate him and I am trying so hard to keep forgiving him as much as I can. I don’t wish any “karma” or “harm” on him. I don’t want him to get “justice”. I just want him to be real, honest and know that I was real with him always. My intentions were always to cherish him and care about whatever he goes through. He was in college whenever we were talking together and he would tell me how hard school was, how much studying he had to do and say his parents were being so strict on him to “get good grades” 😝 (maybe he was truthful or maybe he lied to me) but I would ALWAYS try to give him encouragement and tell him how I believed in him and wanted the best for him always… 😔 It’s okay if he never wants good for me or the best for me. I mean, you can’t MAKE people love you or force them to fit into your life. You can’t change people to make them be what you want. 🥺🙏🏻❤️‍🩹 (I’m sorry Andrew)

My BIGGEST take aways from this healing journal so far is: Forgiveness, not judging yourself or anyone around you, healing can take time and patience! Knowing who to trust is important AND just because people hurt you, DOES NOT mean you have the right to hurt others. That’s all ❤️‍🩹

[lovepmd]

Hypothetical interview of Hero:

Interviewer: First off, it’s an honor to be here and I’m very happy you accepted our newspaper’s offer—

Hero: Don’t twist my words. I am doing this because your coworkers quite literally wouldn’t get off my bases property. You were the only one who respected my privacy, even if barely.

In: R-Right! *Ahem* You allowed us this interview to happen. Sssshall we get to the questions?

H: Yes.

In: Okay! Many Pokémon are interested, more so brimming with curiosity—are you truly one of the creatures from myth? A human?

Hero: I am human, yes. I don’t think of myself as a myth or legend though.

In: How so?

Hero: My memory was affected by the process. I can recall small things, but names and dates are out of my reach. What I do know was that back home—I wasn’t the only human. There were at minimum hundreds if not thousands of us. We had a civilization just like you all did. Next question.

In: Of. Of course!

(Post interview note—“Goodness, they’re rather to the point. Forgive me for being caught off guard dear readers.”)

In, cont’d: You’re quite known for your innovations—many of your teammates cited the lengths you went to accommodate their species environmental needs. Even if your training program is rather… vigorous? If I may ask, why go to such lengths? Most other teams have basic facilities yet significantly more recruits. The team log you graciously allowed our studio to review revealed you have had quite a few members leave the team.

H: I’ll get to your first question later.

In: I only asked one—

H: The individuals who left had family we got into contact with, wanted a less strenuous job, or simply felt like moving onto other things. An ongoing issue after rescuing Pokemon who got caught in a mystery dungeon for so long is the fact they’ve been displaced. If not from the loss of time, it’s from themselves not having all their memories intact. My team and I hope to help them get their bearings back while giving them immediate options as a safety net.

H, cont’d: Partner and I especially “go to such lengths” as you put it because we want every member of the team to be able to handle themselves in a variety of situations. Whether environmental, battle based, or even personality wise. They—and I include myself when it comes to this—are expected to be able to handle themselves in unexpected situations that may pop up. Exploring isn’t always an exact science. Next question.

In: …Oh-kay??? Many readers want to know the relationship between you and Partner.

H: Purely platonic. I don’t plan to start a romantic relationship anytime soon.

hero: with anyone by the way, I don't just mean Partner. As for why, that's honestly none of anyone's business

upfront and honest hero is best hero

will they get more interviews after this? for the most part no, they MIGHT MAYBE do another, but it highly depends

[marshmallowprotection]

as i’m playing ray’s route again(not enough hourglasses for the AE yet lol) i kept thinking about how, in a realistic scenario, i particularly would have a hard time to actually start a romantic relationship with saeran right off the bat you know?? please don’t get me wrong!! i understand everything that he has gone through and his reasonings but after everything is “alright” (in the AE for example) it would be so insane to actually just have a normal relationship 😭😭 partially i blame that on my trust and commitment issues but the way saeran treats MC in his route hits a little too close to home(even if i wouldn’t really be that shaken by the insults etc)

since you are like the saeran expert i would like to hear your thoughts in a situation like that

Mystic Messenger asks you to suspend your disbelief in reality for the sake of the game. That goes for every character you romance, that is not limited to Saeran. Every Route would not happen that way if that situation played out realistically. 11 days? Yeah, no way. That's not the way things would work in our world. But, because it's a video game, I know that all of us shrug it off and go with it because it does a rather good job at making the romance feel realistic with what they have to work with.

So, hey, it's not weird to be like, "Hey, I love you, Saeran. I see myself in a relationship with you in the future once we've had more time to be sure of ourselves and what we want, but I don't want to rush into this while we're still working on finding your freedom and you want to know who you are outside of Mint Eye. Can we not put a label on us while we learn how to be together?"

And by God, that man would respect your decision to wait no matter what. If you told him that you didn't want to be with him, he wouldn't be upset, either. He's happy to be your friend if that's all you want to have with him. it's okay. He just wants to know that you'll be happy in life and as long as you've got that, he's okay with whatever label you want to have with him. You don't need to be afraid or paranoid about what he might think.

Saeran says these things himself during the Route. He respects your autonomy. He wants what you want. GE Saeran is someone you can count on. Ray and Suit Saeran made mistakes along the way but the two of them wanted to make it right for you, and that desire of theirs by the end comes to be a huge factor in who GE Saeran is. You don't have to forgive either of those two right away, either. Remember the night 9 conversation with Suit Saeran? He says you don't need to be accepting of his apology. He wanted to give it regardless.

Ray didn't want to hurt you, either. He fought against the cult and lied to save you multiple times once he began to take your words as what was the actual truth. You were so close to helping him decode his cult programming up until the moment that Rika wrenched him away and tried to break his new-found spirit out of him before she lost control of him. His apology is in there, too. Their apologies aren't excuses for their actions or choices, but it's a part of the journey to be better men in your life.

You get to choose what you want from them. Do you want to take an apology? Do you not want it? Do you want to take a chance on letting them in your life? Do you want them gone? That's a part of what you have to think about when you're trying to make a relationship with GE Saeran. Do you see yourself moving with the past and walking to your future with him after everything that's happened? So, of course, you have the right to define what you want and Saeran will work with you on that.

If I were writing the Route myself outside of the context of a video game, I would say that Another Story would take place over 6 months to a year instead of 11 days. Saeran's After Ending wouldn't be as fast as it is, either. That's roughly a month and some change, I'd probably chop that up into 2-3 months with a lot of bonus content.