#I need someone to decide for me

[o2studies]

23:39 || ༻`` 19 Oct 24 — Saturday

Aimed to get a lot of work done for my personal statement today and I did focus on it, so much so that I didn't do much else. But also I just stared at the document and couldn't think of anything so many times, so I took a break and went back to it soon after, and then I decided to start writing anyway and after 1½ hrs I've got my first 5 lines... ;-;

I've out some things in bulletpoints or as a small list that I want to mention, and I'm using a guide from UCAS but I found that a few of questions I can just write pretty much the same thing and I'm not sure how to not just repeat myself 3 or 4 times.... I'll do more work for it tm. A Lot more.

Aside from that (although actually, linked to UCAS) I've kind of a tough decision to make about university choices. I might write about it more tomorrow but choice one is all good, choice two would involve convincing my parents a lot and leaving behind (at least for a few years) the life me and K planned with each other during uni..

Actually — a summary:

University A is nearby, I've visited it a lot and it looks amazing, has a ton of great student experiences, I'll get to go to uni with K and rent a flat or smt with her in our second year, don't know how many times afterward I'll see A (if at all), possibly joining uotc during one of the years (can't really imagine that in Uni B but it probably could still be possible), and it is an amazing university for which I've got 2 grade reductions (within applicable maths, physics and chemsitry courses), I've got the conditional offer already

University B is the next country over, I'd be leaving behind K and my family (others too but they'll probably be a lot further anyway), I will have A with me so I won't be alone and we'd help each other with the costs of things, in the second year R would be coming over and we'd all rent a place somewhere (but have to be in student halls for a year first..... I didn’t like the experience of it that I got in Uni A), the country is really beautiful, I've been in the area before and there's no langauge changes, I know very little about the uni, it's better than Uni A (plus it combines year in industry through placements and year abroad)

And I don't know....... I do know that friendships is not what you should follow in choices like this but it breakdms my heart thinking of abandoning K and our plan, even for just a few years..

And my wrist hurt like hell today and still does.

^ I've got this written on my wrist. Had it today and will again tomorrow. I love writing quotes and sayings on my arm ^^

Day 31 clean (a whole month yesterday, woo!)

Day 0 (I was really gonna try to hit Day 1 today but forgot about that for a moment and well.... yeah....)

Floor time ✅️

Current song obsession: Army Dreamers by Celina Fang // 🍊

[rotten-flesh-n-bones]

I'm thinking... I should have like an INPRNT or something like that... I wanna be like all them cool artists that sell their stuff, not sure if anyone would ever buy anything given that I'm not A Popular Internet Artist but it's worth a try, right?

[cozylittleartblog]

"content creator" is a corporate word.

we are artists.

[teaboot]

Sometimes at work it's not my place to tell people the things I want to say, and I find I often go home at the end of the rougher days to stand blankly in my shower and tell myself over and over what I wish I could pass on.

This accomplishes very little, and mostly just gives me a tension headache, but through it all I think I've narrowed myself down to a few solid things I'd like to tell people the most.

You can't change people. Not permanently, not for anythig. You can support them, encourage them, love them, give them tools and opportunities and resources, but you can't make them change. They can change themselves if they want to, but they have to want to, and they have to want it for themselves, because they're the only one that's certain to be with them forever.

For better or worse, you make your own choices, and blaming bad choices on others doesn't only work to absolve you of responsibility- it also robs you of control. Because if you say you only did something because I did something, then you arent only shifting blame- you're admitting that you cannot control yourself, that you cannot truly make choices for yourself, that other people can control you- and as long as you truly beleive that, you'll keep facing the same problems over and over. You'll keep letting others dictate your choices, because you'll beleive that they can, and you'll never be free.

White knights on horseback are from fairytales. Nobody can help you if ou're not willing to help yourself. To try, to put the dirty work in, to belive you're worth that effort- Act as though nobody is coming to save you. From a struggle, from pain, from bad relationships, from yourself. And when you do save yourself, because you will, because failure here isn't an option if you want to survive, you'll never find another dragon that can keep you prisoner.

Don't say anything to anyone that you wouldn't want them remembering forever.

Doing the right thing in bad circumstances is hard. It's the hardest thing. But if you make the choice to do that hard thing anyways, despite your fear, you'll go on the rest of your like knowing that you're the sort of person who did something.

The present only seems the hardest because the past I over and the future hasn't happened.

There's so much joy ahead of you, the kind you can't possibly understand until you see it yourself.

The responsibility of consequences is often disguised as the power of permission. "I won't do this if you help me", "I'll work on my anger if you do this for me", "I promised you I'd quit, but can I have just one?". The unspoken question is, "Can it be your fault if this goes badly?"

You cant make someone love you the way you need to be loved. Someone can love you very much and still be bad for you, even if you love them very much in return. Two people can love each other very, very much, and try their very best, and still be wrong for each other.

Sometimes being near to someone changes you, even in good ways, and the people you become don't fit together as well as the people you were.

Caring takes work. Even if it's real. Especially if it's real. And the most important gestures aren't the grand, poetic, songs-and-flowers-and-tears moments; they're getting out of bed even though you don't want to. Paying attention to things you don't enjoy. Scrubbing pans, or opening a window, saying "thank-you", or helping carry groceries into the house. The small things fill the big things- without the small, boring, mediocre things, big things feel hollow.

Thrre is honour and dignity in humble work.

If you are a cruel and spiteful person, then you will find every place you visit to be full of the same cruel, spiteful people. This is not because the world is as cruel as you, but because everywhere you are, you will be disliked. This is the curse that comes with being persistently cruel and spiteful.

If you are a kind and ppsitive person, you will repeatedly encounter kind and positive people, because as they grow familiar with you, they will be happier to have you near. This is the reward of being a kind and positive person.

When splitting paths with loved ones, briefly or forever, aim for your last words to always be "I love you".

[dukecarrion]

this one was done in response to the results of the persona champions polls going on on twitter

[lcs-scar]

Mandi & also her bf

[markscherz]

tumblrs being transphobic, with the ceo himself starting an actual harassment campaign against a transfem & also banning transfems who post abt it.

Oh shit, I had not heard about that.

I would like to say I don’t understand why this shit keeps happening, but I actually do understand it way too well. It just makes me so sad and angry. Especially on a site where people find and make their communities.

So much of this is about ego, and the people with power wielding that power to protect themselves and failing to protect others with it. A mere hint of negative sentiment towards them is harassment that is dealt with immediately and harshly, but a dozen complaints about discrimination or threats or bullying take ages to process and frequently come to unsatisfactory moderation decisions.

Whatever the sentiments of the people running this hellsite, you are always welcome in my corner of the internet, wherever you find it. You are all wonderful, and we all deserve to feel that part of this space belongs to us and those to whom we can connect.

Transphobia has no place on tumblr, period. Or anywhere else in society for that matter. It is that which should be being rooted out.

[marzipanandminutiae]

I do think one very interesting thing about not getting that stitcher job in the costume workshop is that it highlights the different types of sewing out there

I can sew. I can produce wearable garments. I have and I do and I usually have at least one project on the make at any given time

but

I only sew for myself, so I've never really had comprehensive training in a wide variety of diverse techniques. I know what I need to know to make my own clothing. if a project requires a technique, I learn it; if I never need it, it's not in my skill-set

how did I get to be a 31-year-old accomplished hobbyist dressmaker whose wardrobe is largely self-made, and not know how to do French seams until a week ago? simple. I never needed to know

I also make historical clothing, specifically mid-late Victorian, which was a HUGE proponent of Good Enough as far as construction goes. does it look good? will it hold together for its purpose? is it as comfortable as it's supposed to be? if so, the rest is unimportant. you had a lot of people producing garments with limited machine-sewing functions, who were being paid by the piece and whose clients expected the fastest turnaround possible- corners were going to be cut

speaking of machines...I don't really know what to do with them. I can Make Machine Go Forward and Back and that's really about it. my sewing knowledge is all gleaned from an era where machine-finishing was almost exclusively for underwear, because stitches weren't supposed to show on the outside. and I don't usually make my own shifts, combinations, or petticoats. I also prefer hand-finished buttonholes because doing buttonholes is satisfying and you have greater control over placement. so machine-finishing is largely a closed book to me

being picked out of the crowd on the street like that by the shop manager was exciting and very flattering. but I do think it highlights the fact that, just because someone can produce wearable garments, doesn't mean their skills are transferrable to another sewing arena with different needs

[arsenicflame]

It's a time-honoured tradition- every time Sam comes across Izzy (and Ed) in their travels, he asks Izzy to marry him. And every time, Izzy turns him down.

At this point, Sam is asking more for the sake of it than any belief Izzy will ever say yes, a remnant of childhood dedication touched with 30 years of heartbreak and regret- though even now, a small part of him still holds out hope. Sam's promises have only got more extravagant over the years, from a job as his first mate, to a captaincy, a fleet at his command, a whole fucking island if that's what Izzy wants- but he knows it isn't though, not really. If Izzy was ever going to agree to marry him, to leave his life and go with Sam, it wouldn't be for anything Sam could offer him. Izzy never did care for flashy shows of wealth, for a ship or to be captain. The only thing that ever mattered to him was loyalty given, and loyalty shown in return. 

It all comes to a head after Stede left and came back, after Izzy lost a toe, lost his leg. Sam hasn't seen him since before things with Ed started to really slide off the rails, before stress permanently set into the lines of Izzy’s face. So, when he sees a dishevelled man with a hoof for a leg in a no-name port, he doesn't even consider the idea that he might know him. It's only when he turns towards him, and Sam catches a glance at those oh too familiar tattoos, he realises this is Izzy, his Izzy, that stands before him.

Knowing Izzy's discomfort with pity, he doesn't treat him any differently than he would in years gone by, positioning himself in Izzy's line of sight before approaching and sweeping him up into a bone crushing hug. 

“Israel-goddamn-Hands!” he exclaims, as Izzy grumbles back a begrudging “Samuel-fucking-Bellamy”, a tradition almost as old as their friendship itself. Izzy might not hug him back, but he can’t keep the corner of his mouth from twitching, just for a second.

(If Sam holds Izzy a little tighter and a little longer than usual, well. That's his business)

By the time Sam lets go, most of the crew has appeared in the town square, drawn in by the commotion. They may have given Izzy his leg and welcomed him as one of them, but still there’s an underlying tension, with nobody quite ready to set aside everything that happened before the Kraken. Seeing him cosying up to an unknown man sets everyone on edge, unsure whether to come to their first mate’s aid, or to assume that they've been betrayed once again.

When Ed sees that the yelling was Sam, his hand goes tense where it's held in Stede's. He knows the routine, has seen it more times than he can count, but as he watches them part he realises that this is the first time in a long time he's unsure of what Izzy's response will be.

Knowing that something’s different, knowing that Izzy's feeling vulnerable already, Sam doesn't go for the same flashy proposal he’s been giving for years. He doesn't promise Izzy the world, he doesn't cause a scene (or, any more of a scene than he already has, anyway). He looks at the fractured man in front of him, takes his face in his hands, and says the exact same thing to him he said when they were little more than boys. “Israel, I have to ask you. I know what you'll say, but I have to try. Come with me. Marry me and sail away with me. I'll keep you safe”

And Izzy… hesitates. He glances over at Ed, at Stede, and says to Sam “...We’re staying in port for a week. Ask me again then”

That's the moment Sam knows there is something deeply, horribly, wrong. He's not just looking at an Izzy who got seriously injured in a fight and is struggling to cope, this is something so much bigger than that- and that Ed has something to do with it. Izzy wouldn't even be considering leaving if he didn't. Whether it was negligence or something more sinister, Sam doesn't yet know, but he intends to find out.

[buwheal]

OH!!!!! HAVE YOU CHECKED THE CYBER CAFÉ DUMPSTER by any chance? there HAS to be some leftover cake there!!!! i heard there was an event recently!!

[iknowwhereyousnoozeatnight]

tennis

[zurka-durka]

i'm not planning on discussing opm chapters here in the future but staying silent when THIS just happened

they actually acknowledged saitama's strength. i thought we'd be stuck in "must've been someone else" trenches forever

not only that they brought the possibility of him being some kind of a threat. which is my dream come true scenario

garou has mentioned it before and the idea never left me

[daily-xisuma]

zizuma after 12 straight hours of code work (all he’s had to eat was 5 adderal and an uncrustable)

[075] Hands stained with blood (stupid coding mistake that takes anywhere from 1 second to 10 days to find)

[espumado]