#I mean it's hard to tag things as ace/aro separate just because like what makes one thing not the other | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

nonbinaryresource · 5 years ago

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ive been thinking abt this for a little while & have been needing to ask someone abt it. i am nb & have always considered myself trans but recently ive not been vibing with the trans label bc i am so sick of seeing ppl exclude & invalidate nb ppl. ik that i shouldnt stop doing smth just bc other ppl r being assholes but its so tiring to see ppl constantly say how u dont belong or arent valid. srry this is long & kinda rambly i just dont really know how to feel abt it

I will directly address your ask, but I’m going to start by telling you a story about my journey with identifying as asexual and queer.

When I was about 11, my friends suddenly started drooling over magazines and calling people hot, and I didn’t know what it was, but I knew I did not feel whatever it is my friends were feeling.

Until I was about 16/17, this part of me remained a mystery to me and to my friends. I never had crushes, I never found people hot, I never liked complimenting people physically, I was uncomfortable with sex on TV, and I didn’t even like platonic touch. Now my group of friends were all repressed and closeted queer folk, so I didn’t have to deal with “being left behind” as my friends dated. But the later we got into high school, the more my friends began discovering and exploring their sexualities. A freshman became a part of our friend group and was openly trans and gay. One friend came out as gay. Another as bi. They started commenting more and more about other’s looks and having crushes.

Still, there was nothing on my end. My friends used to think I was just being vague and secretive because this is what I tended to be like. I don’t think they’ve ever realized how much of it was that I truly didn’t know or understand what my lack of sexual feelings meant or that it could even mean anything. I used to just consider it a “nothingness” of myself. Until, by complete chance, I came across the term asexual. I immediately connected with it. It explained so much that I didn’t even know I needed explained.

I came out quickly after that and I was really excited and happy and proud to know who I was and what how I felt meant. My friends were great and supportive. My mom was a little ignorant but overall supportive. AVEN was great and a community for me. But if I tried to talk about it anywhere else online…

Well, the effects of how people treated me would fester for years. See, I came out as asexual before exclusionism (the specific movement of anti-aro and anti-ace erasure and gatekeeping from lgbt+ spaces) was a movement or a named thing. Yet exclusionist attitudes were exactly what I faced. My queer friends all completely accepted me as one of them and I helped co-run our school’s new GSA with the rest of them. But online, as a teen, I was facing 30+ year olds telling me I wasn’t queer and that I was just trying to seem special and that I needed to shut up about my asexuality and my experiences and that I wasn’t valid and that asexuality wasn’t a real thing and that even if asexuality was a real thing it wasn’t valid and it certainly didn’t matter.

I graduated high school and went to college and was no longer really in touch with my group of friends. I therefore completely cut myself off from any lgbt+/queer community, even though a friend invited me to join the college’s queer association. I stopped participating so much in online asexual spaces. I become wrapped up in other things.

A couple of years went by and a lot of things in my life changed. By chance, mod applications for a blog about aro and ace headcanons for a fandom I enjoyed came across my dash. I had extra time on my hands and thought I could help, so I applied and was accepted. This increased my exposure to the aspec community again and thrust me back in… just around the time exclusionism was becoming a specific and named movement of bigotry.

At the same time I resisted these ideals, I was also still hurt and unhealed from what I’d gone through as a teen. I internalized a lot of the hatred and gatekeeping. I was so hurt and so tired. I just wanted to be able to exist in peace. And people I considered myself one of were harassing me and dismissing even my biromanticism. So I struggled with my identity and my asexuality. I did not specifically become an exclusionist, but I turned my back on the lgbt+ community and spaces. I did not consider myself lgbt+ because I learned that doing so only brought pain and upset and made me feel alone and isolated. I didn’t speak a lot on exclusionism or inclusionism, but at some point I did make a plea to my fellow aspecs to just let the larger community go and be our own community and accept that maybe we could be straight. I did it out of desperation and hurt, wanting to stop feeling targeted and attacked and to stop seeing the fighting on my dash and in the tags. I just wanted us all to be happy and feel accepted and supported.

On that post, one wonderfully kind and patient person opened up a discussion with me, explaining their own hurts over exclusionism and being so damn exhausted of them and fellow aspecs being targeted and excluded and written out and not supported and feeling like they had to split their asexuality from their other queer identities and how being asexual was a part of them and how it had strongly shaped their experiences, especially with realizing and coming to terms with the other parts of their queer identity. And through their raw honesty I came to realize… I had never stopped to process the harassment I had faced and the pain and hurt that cut me so deeply.

It was a changing point for me. I realized that I had handled my pain in a bad way and had ended up lashing out at other aspecs instead of the people who were actually hurting me. I realized how much I had hurt myself and held myself back and cut myself down and dismissed parts of myself trying to fit into the box exclusionists had laid out for me, as if I could ever made them happy enough to stop harassing me and just let me exist. I cut myself down for them, but the truth is that exclusionists don’t just want aspecs “out” of the community. They want to hurt us. They want us to hurt. They want us to doubt ourselves. They want to feel strong and powerful, and they feel they can achieve this through bullying us. Perhaps some, like myself, are trying to appeal to their oppressors by pointing out another vulnerable group they could target more/instead. They are passing on hurt instead of standing up to it and so they are actually festering in hurt instead of changing anything.

Today, I am a staunch inclusionist. I understand myself and the issues aspecs face much better. I am a more compassionate person regarding the confusion and upset aros and aces have over their identity and their place in the world. I feel more stable and confident regarding my identity as an asexual - and now as an aromantic - queer person who is lgbt+.

But it was a long, hard, difficult journey to get here. It was full of a lot of turmoil. I wish I would have had a happier journey where I felt more supported and accepted, and I hope I can help provide more stability and support for future generations to not have to go through what I did.

My point (or one among a few, anyway) is that I deeply and personally understand how you are feeling and the decision facing you now. As someone who went through a very similar experience, my advice to you is to take care of yourself and to prioritize your mental health.

It’s okay if you can’t handle identifying as trans right now. Maybe you do need some space from the label (and definitely from the hatred and gatekeeping). Maybe you need to pull back from certain communities or blogs or discussions.

However, I will say that not identifying as trans may not bring the peace you desire. It may end up making you feel even more isolated. Not identifying as LGBT+ certainly didn’t help me. It was reactionary and it only made me feel like there were less spaces for me. That said, you may find peace in this. But I think the bigger action to take is to separate yourself from those who are saying harmful things more than to separate yourself from a label you feel really suits you. Use your block button liberally. Don’t force yourself to partake in spaces where gatekeeping is allowed or encouraged. Follow and listen to more people who are inclusive.

I think burnout like this is unfortunately pretty common. You do not have to force yourself to face this hatred or exhaustion because you think it’s the right thing to do. It’s okay to pull back and just take care of yourself. Just work on some self-care. Work on building up a community of people around you who don’t resort to bigotry and hatred and exorsexism and gatekeeping and identity policing. Engage only with what you can actually, honestly handle.

We will confront and move past this bigotry only by acting as a united front. The responsibility for improving things isn’t on any one person’s shoulders. And no one needs to be on the front lines 100% of the time, especially at the cost of their own wellbeing. Take care of yourself and rest now before you completely burn out and break down.

You do not have anything to prove, okay? I have both hope and faith that there is a lot more to your journey - a lot more good things and a lot more happiness and belonging. Take whatever time it is you need to help heal yourself and recover from the hurt and harassment that’s been plaguing you. You are important and you matter, much moreso than whatever label you use at whatever point in time. It will be okay.

I am here for you.

~Pluto

#mod pluto #validation #exorsexism #gatekeeping #exclusionism #long post #identity policing #self care #identity #coping #queer #lgbt #mod tera #anonymous #ask #answered #asked #nonbinary

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shades-of-grayro · 5 years ago

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saw the post about quiet-times when I was about to follow you, they actually attacked me today over saying, in the tags of a reblog from them about queeragamic, that i felt it was out of line for them to say alloaros were more oppressed than aces. agreed with the post and everything (changed my mind after). their post says to block me instead of interacting but i'm still getting people screaming insults at me + saying they'll beat me up. dunno why i'm sending this but hhhh i'm so tired

Yeah, you reblogging that post means it’s definitely on quiet-times’ radar right now. Which for some reason I was expecting that to fly by without being noticed. I’m so tired right now I don’t even care, which is weird. Maybe I’m developing a thicker skin for these kinds of things. Or maybe I’m just burnt out. Idk.

I’m sorry you’re getting anon hate. Just block the anons, seriously. That means next time you’ll get less, hopefully. I’m glad quiet-times tried to stop it, but they are a “discourse blog” so inevitably there are going to be the kinds of people following them who would send anon hate and threats regardless. Hopefully they learn from this and try to do a bit more to prevent it the next time something like this happens.

About the post - I have to be honest I didn’t take a lot of issue with the bit in question:

Not only that, but keep in mind that exclusionists hate aros too. Even more than they hate aces.

Mostly because it didn’t immediately flag to me as incorrect. I interpreted about it as talking about specifically the kind of online anti-ace/aro sentiment that get labeled as exclusionism. Though now I’m thinking that this doesn’t take into account the “curse of visibility” at all, where more visible groups get more hate.

Regardless, I’m not a fan of the oppression olympics that happen within aro and ace communities. Yes, different kinds of aro and ace people face different issues, and all of those issues should be addressed. We don’t need to fight over who has it the worst to do that.

Honestly, as an ace person who doesn’t like the word “queeragamic”, I took the biggest issue with this part of that post:

By making and supporting queeragamic, a term that means “nonsexual qpr,” people have sexualized queerplatonic relationships and, if this term gets popular, people are going to think qprs are exclusively sexual. Asexuals aren’t gonna wanna use that term anymore resulting in us being even more divided than before.

What about aces who have sex? What about aces who know about the word queerplatonic and are perfectly content with that word and/or don’t pay enough attention to tumblr to notice the new word? What about aces who hate the idea of using the word “agamic” to describe their relationships? Aces aren’t going to jump ship on the word queerplatonic. They’re fretting about something that would never happen.

Anyway, trying to use “my experiences of being aromantic are inseparable from my experiences of being allosexual,” an entirely valid statement, as a way of deflecting someone from using the word allosexual as it was intended and coined is absolutely horrid. Like, can you imagine anyone saying any of the following:

“I am unable to separate my experiences of being a cis woman from being butch. Therefore, you may not call me cisgender as a way of pointing out that I don’t have firsthand experience about being trans.”

“I am unable to separate my experiences of being alloromantic from being asexual. Therefore, you may not call me alloromantic as a way of pointing out that I don’t have firsthand experience of being aro.”

Quiet-times wouldn’t support anyone saying either of those two sentences. So why are they (and others) saying essentially the same thing about being allosexual? I get having a gut negative reaction to hearing someone say that they’re allosexual specifically in that way, but they’re not right in this situation, and if they honestly think about it for a moment I think they’ll understand that.

(And no hard feelings from me if they realize that and change their mind - we’re all learning and growing! I’d be super thrilled to see someone realize they made a poor decision on instinct and correct themselves after a bit of thought, rather than doubling down on it.)

Something that might be helpful in that is keeping in mind that the ace community does not use “allosexual” as a privileged category. Being both heterosexual and heteroromantic is the privileged category. Otherwise the relationships are considered lateral - different but not necessarily worse or better.

A lot of the people involved in this conversation might be a bit young for remembering 2015-2016 online hate directed at aces, but this was a big part of that - people were accusing aces of calling lgb allosexual people privileged for their sexuality simply because the word “allosexual” exists. So, keep in mind the above, and let’s not have more repetition of standard anti-ace sentiment coming from the allo aro community, thanks.

#intracommunity issues #ask #panace-void

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aroacepagans · 6 years ago

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Alright so the survey on aro community needs from this post got 30 responses, and with it all being long form I don’t expect to get many more.

So what I’m going to do is give summaries of common themes and answers above the cut for people who don’t want to read through a bunch of text, and then I’m going to put individual answers under the cut for folks who are interested. Please note that these are all anonymous survey answers, and they do not necessarily reflect my opinions. I encourage people to have/start discussions around the topics brought up here so that we can work towards having a mutually fulfilling and cohesive community.

Summary:

What are the community needs of alloaros?

More recognition and visibility both within and outside of the aspec community, aro specific spaces where no one will assume that they’re ace and where they don’t have to be bombarded by ace content, safe spaces to talk about their experiences with sexual attraction, and a wider community acknowledgment that ace and aro don’t mean the same thing.

What are the community needs of aroaces?

Separate aroace spaces, space and language that allows them to express the interconnectedness of their aro and ace identities, a recognition of the diversity of aroace experiences including the experiences of oriented aroaces and aro leaning aroaces, spaces devoid of both sex and romance, and less infighting between the aro and ace communities.

What are the community needs of non-SAM aros?

New language that doesn’t enforce the use of SAM as a norm and that doesn’t enforce a SAM/ non-SAM binary, more recognition of aromantic as one whole identity, more inclusion of their identity within aro spaces, and having the ability to label themselves as aro without being asked what their other identity is .

What are the community needs of greyro/ aro-spec folks?

Specific spaces where they can talk about aromantic attraction, more recognition and visibility both within and outside of the aspec community, more greyro/aro-spec specific resources and content, and a larger platform within the aspec community to discuss their experiences.

What are the shared needs of these different subgroups within the aro and arospec community?

Increased visibility, spaces free from amatonormativity, safe and unbiased shared spaces for all members of the aro/aro-spec community, separation and distinction from alloaces, more in-person spaces, and a building of understanding and acceptance between the different community subgroups.

How do we meet all of these needs within an online space?

Better and more formalized tagging systems, creating more forums, chats, tags, etc, that are specific to different aro and arospec subgroups, creating more variety in online aro spaces generally, giving equal online spaces and platforms to all aro subgroups, and having open and polite community discussion about our needs within online aro spaces.

How do we meet all of these needs within an in-person space?

Use inclusive language, allow for smaller sub-communities within larger aro and aspec groups, provide resources for small, lesser known identities both within groups and at pride, push for more aro inclusion in wider queer spaces and create safe and respectful discussion spaces where everyone can voice their needs

How do we reconcile conflicting needs?

Civil and open discussions, try to find solutions instead of just arguing, and create separate spaces for subgroups when needed while continuing to maintain larger general spaces for discuison and community building.

Individual answers:

What are the community needs of alloaros?

1. A space to be aromantic but not asexual. As an alloaro myself, I struggle to relate to many aroaces - and the ace community in general - because my sexuality is a big part of my identity, right along side being aromantic. I want a place where I can discuss how being aromantic affects my sexual attraction without having to focus on one or the other

2. A place to talk about sexual attraction without being ridiculed or being called a player. Advice about how to go about getting a relationship that fulfills their needs without be demeaned to expected to evolve into romantic.

3. I'm not alloaro, so I don't feel comfortable speculating on their behalf, but from the perspective of an outsider looking in, they need more visibility, both within and outside of the aro community.

4. Recognition mostly, acknowledging that asexuals can’t keep putting their stuff into the aro tag, the fact that romance repulsed allo aros exist and are uncomfortable with allo aces putting their stuff everywhere

5. Aro specific places. I personally don't have to talk about sexuality in general areas but aroallo specific places/sites/tags for this would be great.

6. Dismantling the assumption that aromanticism is inherently linked to asexuality (even if it is for some individuals, it's most definitely not a hard rule that applies to everybody else), moving away from seeing aroace as the "default" aro experience and in fact not assuming one's other possible identities because they identify as aro at all

7. Not one myself - probably spaces to find safe hook-ups if desired, to talk amongst themselves

8. Less ace experience talking over aro experience. Also, not conflating the two identities as one.

9. I often feel ashamed of the allo part of my identity. I think more visibility would help a lot. It also took a very long time for me to even consider being aro because I was under the impression I had to be ace so separating those ideas would help.

10. As I’m not allo aro I can’t really say, but a lot of them have been speaking out and saying that they don’t want aro to automatically mean aroace, and that aromantism is not a sub sexuality is asexual

11. To talk about alloaro specific issues freely, and to not be assumed to be ace or to have to leave our sexualities at the door when entering aro spaces

12. Increased awareness that one can experience sexual attraction without romantic attraction

13. To be respected and given a aro-specific space/platform to discuss their needs/issues/etc

14. A space to not be: assumed ace, confused with aces, forced to avoid talking about how they want sex without romance and how that sexual desire affects them, etc. A space where they can find others like them to help them understand themselves better and make friendships and feel less isolated.

15. i'm not alloaro so i'm not going to speak for them but like. acknowledging that aro does not mean ace and allowing the aro community to exist outside of the ace umbrella is super important

What are the community needs of aroaces?

1. Recognition that aro is an equal and completely it's own community but that the community doesn't have to be completely separated.

2. Separated areas where uniquely aroace experiences can be discussed

3. Less infighting between the aromantic and asexual communities. You can and should call out hurtful behavior by the other community, but going into isolation mode leaves aroaces stuck in the middle of two sides retreating in on themselves. Aroace issues are aro issues! Aroace issues are ace issues!

4. Acknowledging that we occupy a unique overlap between the aro and ace communities that no other perioriented people experience (if we can even call ourselves perioriented, since we're basically forced to straddle two communities or else have one aspect of our identity erased); having spaces where we can talk about our aroaceness without having to separate out our identities, when we often can't

5. Well if you mean just "aroaces" who use it as one word for a convergent orientation they need a place where mixing up and "confusing" an experience as related to their aromanticism when it's more about being ace doesn't get aros yelling at them in the Tumblr tags that they shouldn't tag it aromanticism and they're stupid/horrible hurting aros when they do. They need a place where they can talk about their experiences as very interconnected and inseparable without offending people for whom they are separable. They likely mostly want to learn from allo aros and allo aces what it feels like to be allo so they better understand more of society and don't want to feel alienated from either community of aces as a whole or aros as a whole.

6. I just want some safe wholesome space. Since I joined the aro community on tumblr couple years back, it just feels like the community is defined by discourse, negativity, fights, petty disagreements and drama. I understand, the community is still in diapers and we need to figure ourselves out, but I feel like we've lost the way. Do we need to react to every troll and hater? Is seriously someone offended by them? Why do we legitimise and acknowledge them as part of the discussion? It's like giving an equal platform to scientists and flat earthers. Is this really how we want to be? If you try to think away all the drama stuff, what's left? Is there anything left at all?

7. The freedom to find their place in both ace/aro spaces and for people to allow them to use/not use the SAM as they see fit. Perhaps giving non-SAM aroaces some new language?

8. More community for aro aces. As an aro ace myself I always have to divide time between the aro and ace communities

9. a space where both identities are recognised as equally important - a space where aro identity isn't seen as a subset of ace identity, or deriving from it - somewhere they can express romance and sex repulsion or lack of thereof

10. A term that isn’t AroAce. Something that is not just a combination of aromantic and asexual. But to also not be a sub set of allo aro or allo ace. We shouldn’t need to choose which identity is more important and we shouldn’t have to use the SAM.

11. I think to recognize that there is an aroace spectrum. You can be mlm, wlw, nblnb, etc and still be aroace

12. Content that doesn't rely on "but we still experience x attraction!", tips for living alone/single, also tips for finding/being in a committed relationship such as a qpr (I personally want a relationship but I have no idea how to even start looking for one)

13. I am not aroace so my opinion should not carry as much weight as others but from what my aroace friends irl say, I think we need more recognition for oriented aroaces

14. To be able to talk about the intersection of our identities and how we are uniquely impacted by aphobia

15. Understanding that not all aroaces feel that their two identifiers hold equal value to them (e.g. aromantic as a primary identity with asexuality as a secondary identity). Letting people focus on the one identity over the other is not an exclusion on the other identity; their preferred identity is just more meaningful in their lifes and/or personal growth.

16. Available spaces that are not only sexualised spaces (eg clubs), options to avoid discussion of sex, being hit on if desired (colour code in mixed irl aro-spaces?)

17. Aroaces need a space where they don't have to pick between their aro and ace identities, as well as a space where sex and/or romance repulsed aroaces dont have to deal with romance or sex in any way

18. Idk, not aro ace but I would say recognition as well

19. Full disclosure, I've mostly stopped participating in the ace/aro communities of late (though I haven't stopped reading it) because it felt like every time aroaces spoke up, we were brushed aside or shrugged off because we were the "privileged" ones (in both aro and ace circles). That means I'm a bit out of the loop. I identify far more with my aromanticism than my asexuality, but I've definitely been made to feel that I'm somehow a negative influence on both communities because I technically belong to both. I feel bad enough discussing my identity outside of the ace and aro communities, particularly among queer friends - it feels like when I bring up aroace experiences, it's like I've doused the fire of whatever conversation I was in, and I don't feel like replicating that feeling by trying to talk about it on the 'net, too. So, I guess we mostly need acceptance. We need spaces where alloaros can talk about their experiences without feeling bombarded by aroaces, we need spaces where aroaces can talk about our experiences without feeling like we're marauding on allo experiences, and we need places where both sides can talk about our aromanticism as one community. We as aroaces need to do better about determining when to discuss our issues, and making sure we're discussing them within the communities they're relevant to, as well. I have a pretty solid handle on which aspects of my identity are informed by my aromanticism and which are informed by my asexuality, but that's not a universal experience. Plenty of people have issues separating the two, especially when they're missing both sexual AND romantic attraction. It's hard to determine which of those "missing" pieces are supposed to fit where, and it's important to understand and find a place for these people to post, as well. But ultimately there needs to be more acceptance and openess all around. And I have no idea how we can do all of this.

20. Often aro and ace-ness are inseparable to aroaceness and thus unless something is very specifically about sexual attraction aroaces need to have a sense of flexibility

21. Honestly, as a greyro-ace myself, I feel like aroaces are sort of the face of the community

What are the community needs of non-SAM aros?

1. it's all in the name 'non-SAM' for me. that it is assumed everyone has multiple attractions and/or labels themselves by them. it's use rather implies that the words aro or aromantic or aro-spec /don’t/ automatically include us. it's obviously a perspective change needed here, maybe a new term or descriptor as well? i don’t kno really but i hate the specification of — the expected /need to/ specify — non-SAM.

2. I'm gonna skip the other Qs b/c I don't think I can speak for SAM-using folks. Anyway, as a non-SAM aro I think some of my big things are 1. Recognizing that aromanticism can be its own identity without being split or modified 2. Ending the default assumption that I am ace, identify as ace, and know what the heck ace people need in their communities. 3. Recognizing and respecting aros who don't want or desire QPPs and making it clear that non-QPP friendships and family are not only as good as but can be just as fulfilling as other relationship models. 4. Including non-SAM people as part of our basic and default definitions of asexuality and aromanticism. 5. Making space for discussions of why microlabels don't work for everyone and why the SAM doesn't work for everyone 6. Making an active effort to make aspec spaces more accessible to folks who have just learned about aspec stuff, folks with cognitive and language disabilities, and non-native English speakers. And, like on a broad note, my autism makes it difficult for me to break my identity into tiny pieces. The aspec community's focus on microlabels and the split attraction model, plus the fact that the people participating in discussions often seem to be younger than me and just barely in the process of developing an identity that I've been comfortable in for many years, makes me feel isolated and alienated from the community. When I do participate, the complex and high-entry-level jargon that some members of the community use make it difficult for me to participate in community interactions, which leaves me feeling even more alienated.

3. again, not speaking over other people, but it's important to recognize that aromanticism is a full identity on its own and doesn't inherently require use of the SAM. breaking down the alloaro/aroace binary

4. It seems they want to just talk about aromanticism without having people judge which type of aro they are for if their views count etc. They want more than anyone for aces to be better allies when it comes to LGBTQIA arguing where the A doesn't mean Ally and rather asexual that there needs to be room for the queerness of aromanticism in the LGBTQ+ umbrella. They more than anyone will always need aromantic specific everything - recognition, representation, communities, where no one expects you to also be something else

5. For myself, mostly non binary language and less assumptions that all aros ID with the SAM would be helpful, also acknowlement that non-SAM aros may have differing experiences as a group. This sounds small, and honestly it is, but the unintended consequence of binary language addressing only 'aroaces' and 'aroallos' that I've seen is that spaces can become increasingly polarized between different split attractions and then I've just kind of slipped through the gap in between. It's just my personal experience, of course, but honestly just including this box in the survey is a great start.

6. In-space focuses and new language.

7. More awareness

8. A space where we don't feel the need to express ace/allo identity alongside our aro identity

9. To not get caught in an alloaro Vs aroace war that they can't pick a side for, is probably one.

10. We just need ppl to stop kind of adding us in a sentence in their post or say 'not everyone uses the sam' I wish we could have more discussions on why the sam doesn't really work for us or how we're left out from the community as a whole.

11. Acceptance of just being aro. Aromantic is a whole independent identity despite where it was born.

12. A space to talk about how the ace community has harmed them or made them feel unwelcome without aroaces or alloaces acting like it is an insult

What are the community needs of greyro/ aro-spec folks?

1. Understanding that not everyone is completely aro or that their romantic attraction levels change.

2. providing spaces to talk about experiences with romantic attraction/relationships

3. I'm in this group. I need to feel like it's ok that aromanticism stay a spectrum and some aros are "more ace" (I'm sex-averse etc) than clearly aro (I might choose to date) and to not feel like people are accusing me of being alloromantic when I don't feel alloro. If people make sweeping statements about aros that don't include me or sweeping statements about alloros that do cover my experiences, it is hurtful and invalidating of my identity. And it even can make me doubt myself which isn't fair after I've spent years figuring myself out. I want a happy community that can get along and not hate aces preemptively before any of the select aces they're talking to did anything wrong. Who can forgive aces who make mistakes but who want to be better allies. I'm an ace and an aro-spec person. I'm an ally to aros who aren't gray but all forms of people being an ally takes some learning curve. Understanding that can go a long way.20 hours agoMore awareness21 hours agomore discussion about our orientations, more material for us in general, people getting a platform to share heir experiences. i feel kind of isolated in the aro community because there isnt a lot thats directed at us and our experiences that are neither really aro nor alloa day ago- a space where romance repulsion and simultaneous lack of thereof is acknowledgeda day agoIdk I'm not on the speca day agoMore content for the smaller identities under the spectrum umbrella would probably be nice, also asexuality being jammed together with aromanticism can be annoying sometimes especially if the post only really has to do with one or the other. Visibility in stories and media and such would also be greata day agoacknowledge that not everyone is strictly ace or allo. Like alloaros, allow us to talk about whether we want romantic partners or how our experiences differ from non grayro aros.a day agoN/aa day agoTheir own voice for their complicated feelings about being on the aromantic spectrum.a day agoNot greyro, likewise not my place to comment.2 days agoThe aro community is actually already pretty good about this, but it's cool that romance still happens for some of us and that out voices are allowed to at the very least be on our own space without criticism.2 days agoUh2 days agoArospecs need to be able to talk about their approach to romance, as it is very often very separate from the way allo people experience romantic attraction2 days agoI think both grey and demi aromanticism and asexuality in general need more recognition 2 days ago

4. More awareness

5. more discussion about our orientations, more material for us in general, people getting a platform to share heir experiences. i feel kind of isolated in the aro community because there isnt a lot thats directed at us and our experiences that are neither really aro nor allo

6. a space where romance repulsion and simultaneous lack of thereof is acknowledged

7. More content for the smaller identities under the spectrum umbrella would probably be nice, also asexuality being jammed together with aromanticism can be annoying sometimes especially if the post only really has to do with one or the other. Visibility in stories and media and such would also be great

8. acknowledge that not everyone is strictly ace or allo. Like alloaros, allow us to talk about whether we want romantic partners or how our experiences differ from non grayro aros.

9. Their own voice for their complicated feelings about being on the aromantic spectrum.

10. The aro community is actually already pretty good about this, but it's cool that romance still happens for some of us and that out voices are allowed to at the very least be on our own space without criticism.

11. Arospecs need to be able to talk about their approach to romance, as it is very often very separate from the way allo people experience romantic attraction

12. I think both grey and demi aromanticism and asexuality in general need more recognition

What are the shared needs of these different subgroups within the aro and arospec community?

1. what we need across the board is recognition, compassion, and dissemination.

2. More aro recognition and its own and equal but not completely seperate from ace (for aro aces) community.

3. To discuss their experiences with the lack of romantic attraction and amatonormativity, amongst other General arospec issues

4. safe spaces to talk about being aro and all of the ways it intersects with other aspects of our identity; representation and advocacy

5. Neutral aro-spec spaces where all intersectionality is equally accepted but also not the main topic or qualifier; recognition of a broad range of experiences; recognition of specific language and acknowledgment of their existences; facilitated ability to speak about more specific or 'niche' topics

6. Recognition in queer spaces and healthy dialogue about language.

7. i think we all want a platform for our specific topics and we want recognition, but also community

8. A space where romance repulsion is acknowledged and respected - a space where aro identity is prioritised, no matter what other identities go along with it, if there are any at all

9. To move forward in our activism to make aromanticism more well known and more accepted in society?? And to have a safe place to go after a day of dealing with amatonormativity and aphobia.

10. To make ourselves exist outside the definition of asexual

11. I think all the communities/identities need to recognize that there is a problem. If we unite with each other and have so much love and understanding in the form of unity, I think a lot of these problems will resolve themselves.

12. Visibility?

13. make sure we understand each other's experiences and what makes everyone feel included / excluded. We need to make that we sure we own up if we excluded someone, and that we try to fix it.

14. Visibility is my greatest concern for all aspects of aro and arospec problems.

15. Aces need to stop speaking for them. Aro-spec and aro people can speak for themselves on their own experiences. Additionally, aroaces need to focus more on the aro identity (whether it's primary or secondary to them) when it involves aro discourse. They can have a focus on their ace identity only with the exception that both identities are heavily tied to each other and both identities are discussed. Again, this is specifically for aro-specific discourse.

16. Discussion of amatonormativity, experiences with pressure to find partners

17. A creation of a unified aro space that includes and supports *anybody* identifying as aro or arospec

18. The validity of aro identities shaping gender identities. I believe I'm nb in large part because of aromanticism.

19. All four of these groups need visibility and more in person communities

20. Allo aces need to stop taking over everything is the overarching problem when you think about it, they also need to stop throwing aros under the bus

21. We ALL need more visibility. We need voices that aren't reliant on the ace community to speak for us as an afterthought, and I say that AS an ace. We need to talk about aromanticism as a whole. And we need to do so proudly and informatively. I've noticed that it's really, really hard to talk about aromanticism without making it sound like I'm demonizing romantic attraction, and that's a dangerous treading ground within the queer community. There's been a lot of negatively portraying queer romantice from outside of the community, and we need to make sure we're not stepping on those land mines, but we do need our voices heard on aromanticism and amatonormativity, too. Also, we need to hold fast to QPRs and squishes (and, imo, aplatonic) and not let those ideas get swept out with the discourse trash. We also need to support both the aros who want and have QPRs, and the aros who want nothing to do with them. I see a lot of support for aros in various forms of non-romantic (and sometimes romantic) relationships, but very little for aros who choose to fly solo, and what that means in a world that expects you to pair up.

22. I do think we need to be more openly vocal about our separateness from the ace community, though it seems to be tearing aroaces apart at the seams

23. A space to discuss aromanticism - however people experience it - in a space were others are opening and welcoming. Possibly also older members of the community giving advice to newer members who are struggling to come to terms with their aromanticism in a society so focused on romance

24. I feel like a lot of aros are frustrated with their experiences being mislabeled as ace experiences, or having the assumption that aro and ace experiences are basically the same

How do we meet all of these needs within an online space?

1. make sure you aren’t in an echochamber? share/create content for orientations other than your own? be kind? remember that when we're fighting it's kind of over scraps and we deserve better? i'm not sure honestly but i really think a lot of this comes down to perspective. plus remember the block button exists lol. i'm talking about things all on a personal, individual level and i don’t kno how to effect anything otherwise. how about a content creation week where the subject is an orientation other than your own? with emphasis on asking questions to get shit right. it'd be a learning experience that builds community. i can't think of a thing to answer this question on a larger scale ://

2. We accept that some people see their aro and/or ace identitie/s seperate and some don't. Also that some only have one of these identities. And we spread aro recognition.

3. Equal education and resources for all parts of the aro spectrum

4. Cut it out with the pack instinct. Aces and aros snarling at eachother really freaks out aroaces.

5. it's impossible to curate a monolithic online space that will meet the needs of every single member of the aro community. what's important is acknowledging your own biases and hearing out the perspectives of others who differ from you, and not generalizing your own experiences/needs/perspectives to the community as a whole. we can create more subgroup-oriented spaces all we want, but at the end of the day we're still part of the same larger aro community and in order for that to work out the best thing we can do is just listen to each other.

6. Appropriate tagging has been brought up before, perhaps a reworked umbrella tag system? Again more neutral spaces; appropriate tagging for repulsion and aversion and on the other end acceptance of a variety of topics (i.e. some people will be talking about sex and that's good and healthy, as long as it's tagged there shouldn't be an issue with that); more specific and intersectional spaces; less verbal conflation of ace and aro though I think that's been getting better? Then again a big problem is the aroace split between two communities. I unfortunately do not have any ideas for that

7. Provide and Aro-specific online space similar to AVEN.

8. trying to give a more equal focus to different subgroups maybe? coming together and caring about those whose experiences are slightly different from ours and giving them a platform too. encouraging diversity

9. i'm not sure but it starts by making spaces outside of discourse. blogs like "aro-soulmate-project" are especially important to me because they address not only intra and outside community issues, but because they create aro identity at the same time people interact.

10. Idk put everything in the tag it belongs in (aroace content in aro, ace and aroace tags, general aro content in aro aroace and alloaro tags, and alloaro content in aro and alloaro tags, etc) and stop harassing each other. Groups might benefit from ace chat channels and allosexual chat channels? But idk if that's too divisive in some opinions

11. Group chats? More posts combining the communities? Spreading the love to everybody everywhere!

12. Open discussion

13. Since aro communities are extremely small and have been largely ignored-even by the a-spec community-it is up to the a-spec (yes, this includes alloaces) community to be more inclusive when making a-spec positive/information posts while also making more efforts to reblog diverse aro discourse so that aro people get a chance to speak.

14. Different tags/ smaller chatrooms. Probably tags people can follow or block

15. Better tagging systems, breaking down assumptions and not projecting one's one experience of identity onto everybody else who happens to be aro, creating sub-communities that are specifically suited for a specific subgroup's needs while still being united as the general aro community

16. On tumblr, proper tagging of content.

17. I think something that would actually help is like an aroace specific forum. We have arocalypse but that seems to be mostly alloaros and I want a forum where I can be aroace and not have to pick sides

18. Tag things accordingly

19. As I mentioned before, I'm not really involved in community discussions beyond reading about them, but coming up with a standard tagging system seems to be a start.

20. Often these needs have been met, though there could be a better job of say tagging 'romance' for repulsed aros and we need to open up space for both romo repulsed and positive to speak at the same time

21. I don't know. The internet is too big to manage. I think of the internet as more of many different spaces

How do we meet all of these needs within an in-person space?

1. Represent everyone, let people speak, let people correct you, aim to make friends, remember that we're all under the A together.

2. Same as above

3. Stop generalizing and start being inclusive with language. There’s a big difference.

4. Listen, if no one ever walks up to me and says "Hey, [name], you're ace right?" just because I told them I was aro and they forgot, I will be happy.

5. i suppose the same rules apply. listening, providing spaces for subgroups to talk about specific issues, etc.

6. Similar to previous answer, but spaces advertised as neutral or with multiple groups need to be more explicit in inclusion of a variety of experiences and topics. There are ways to manage this so everyone is in understanding and comfortable, namely just good communication (hence being explicit) and systems of feedback

7. Queer spaces just need to be informed that the usual a-spec narrative is not the only one. But this will change as people share their experiences.

8. more aro awareness alongside but also differentiated from ace awareness, and all this coupled with a focus on acceptance rather than identification

9. A case by case basis? I guess? It'd depend on the scope of the space

10. Booths at Pride recognizing the lesser known orientations. Doesn’t even have to be booths! Pins, stickers, t-shirts work just fine. Maybe a logo for a-spec, aro-spec, and aroace staying that we are all united.

11. have info that includes all of us eg. pamphlets don't have the ace flag everywhere and acknowledge that their are aspecs who experience romantic or sexual attraction, and that not everyone uses the sam.

12. I have only come across one aspec space in-person but it is in the form of a discussion group and everyone is allo ace so I feel extremely unwelcome. I wish there were more resources about aromanticism I could bring to these groups.

13. For one: language is important. Renaming everything to a-spec meetups/groups instead of ace meetups/groups makes the other identity more welcomed and higher possibilities of growing the community. Again, there are more aces out there than aros at the moment, so it is up to those ace groups to make it more inclusive to all a-spec people. We're a community in this together wheter you feel a certain identity or not. That's what being Queer's all about.

14. Create an aro-space first... Then events for sub-groups only where they can talk amongst themselves but also community events

15. Have a large variety of arospec spaces to choose from so that everyone can have their needs met

16. Talk about all aspects, let people voice their experiences and find common ground

17. I don't participate in in-person communities. Partly because I'm not out to more than just a few friends, and partly because I wouldn't want to go to one and be the stereotypical aroace. I feel both far too representative of both the aro and ace communities, and also not part of either. And thanks to the discourse, I'm not convinced I'd be welcome at a queer meetup at all. In addition, I've already mentioned before that just bringing up my experiences as either an ace or an aro tends to be a conversation-killer. So, I guess it rolls back around to visibility. Making others aware of our existence so that when aro experiences DO come up in in-person conversations, we can avoid the uncomfortable, awkward silences that follow. And I think that can only be done by talking about them.

18. I'll eat my hat the day that I manage to find a sizable in-person space for aces or aros

How do we reconcile conflicting needs?

1. I believe this question is far too subjective to each instance that has and will pop up. Which is no help unfortunately.

2. We accept that sometimes someone needs these needs and someone else needs other needs. Also we ask what people's needs are before we assume their needs.

3. By talking out our issues civilly and talking about what bothers us so we can accommodate and adapt as needed if needed, and filter out people who just make the community toxic.

4. Live and let live. Talk it out. Find a solution rather than growing increasingly angry. Literally anything that’s not cocooning away in indignation, we are supposed to be a community.

5. i don't think our needs actually conflict, for the most part. with the exception of greyro/arospec folks needing space to talk about romance and romance repulsed folks needing to get away from it. but that can be solved by tagging things (at least in the case of online spaces). i think a lot of our perceived conflict comes from the conflation of different issues. for example, giving alloaros room to exist apart from asexuality and giving aroaces room to navigate that awkward space in between aren't inherently mutually exclusive. i recognize that striking that sort of balance is easier said than done, but i think if it were easy we wouldn't be having this discussion at all. we're a diverse population and our needs are ALWAYS going to differ. but we're also always going to overlap in a lot of ways, which is why the aro community exists to begin with.

6. Imagine you have a spoiled child. You can do everything in your power to give them what they need. Do you think it will be ever enough? Oh, but what's worse, by concentrating on the spoiled child, you completely forgot you have a second one, starving in the corner.

7. Give each person a choice in the language they use and don't force anyone into an identity/stereotype of aspec experience that doesn't fit. Just listen to people.

8. By giving space for both and working out compromises or plans of action

9. Definitely not fuckin argue for weeks and attack one another, discourse only fragments our tiny movement

10. Set up a time for when allo aro can talk about their experience and the way their identities interact. This lets aroace choose whether they want to come or not. The usual meeting should be a time where any aroace, allo aro, and non-sam using aro can talk about being aro. Or for aros to just meet and interact.

11. a group discussion where everyone can share their experiences but also safe spaces for aroaces / alloaces / nonsam aros /grayros to talk so ppl can discuss if someone hurt them or made them feel excluded in the group discussion and so they can talk about things that are specific to their smaller communities

12. Open discussion and properly tagging things

13. Aro people have been patient. Ace and ace-spec people need to recognize that their exclusive behaviors are mirroring the same horrible mentality that exclusionists in the LGBT+ have. Also recognize that ignoring (or consistently forgetting) the identity is a form of the excluding that identity in regards to posts that are suppose to be a-spec/Queer/LGBTIA+ positive/informative.

14. Respect and communication, separate spaces when necessary

15. Creating sub-communities that can prioritize a specific group's needs in that space while not conflicting with the general aro community.

16. Idk like listen to eachother?

17. The people who have a problem avoid? Idk

18. honestly don't know. I absolutely understand the frustrations of alloaros getting ace posts in the aro tags, and I understand the frustrations of aroaces posting their experiences and being told those tags don't belong. I think the ace community as a whole needs to be made aware that the aro tag is not a dumping ground for ace-specific posts, and that if they want to include support and positivity and include the aro tag, then the post needs to INCLUDE US. I think a lot of frustration on all sides right now is that aromanticism comes off as asexuality's afterthought, and I don't think any of us as aros feel that way. I don't think we need a full break from the ace community, and I think we need to stop blaming aroaces when we make relevant posts to the aro tag, since I suspect quite a bit of this issue is from people who legitimately don't realize that aro tags are not the same as ace tags (i.e. ace positivity blogs that post something relevant to ace experiences and think they're being inclusive by "including" aros, because "we're all aspec, just swap out the 'sexual attraction' for 'romantic attraction'!"). But I, as an ace, am of the opinion that the ace community as a whole needs a solid kick in the pants to get them to work with us on cleaning up the tags and acknowledging that aros aren't just aces with a word swap, that we have our own significantly different concerns and ways to navigate the world that aces can't understand. But here's the problem, too. The ace community is one of the larger "aro" voices right now because the aro community is really quiet. Yes, we have our voices, but if you go looking for ace spaces, you find them. You find them in spades. You go looking for aro spaces? You have to dig. You almost have to know what you're looking for before you can find it. I see aros submitting asks on ace blogs, asking where to go to find aro-specific blogs, and there's always only a handful of suggestions. I think a lot of the reason aroaces seem so visible is because we -are- in the ace spaces, talking, and the ace spaces are big. The aromantic community's biggest priority right now is to grow and be heard.

19. fuck idk tbh the most we can really do is post about it and hope people see and listen

#aromantic #alloaro #aroace #arospec #greyro #greyromantic #non-sam aro #aro #long post #this ace blabbers #Community Discussion

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joi-in-the-tardis · 5 years ago

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It’s my experience with any emotional issue I have that resolving it is 75% figuring what on earth it even is that I’m upset about (which usually requires going to the pain of actually talking it through with someone; hello I’m an extroverted feeler) and 25% actually working on the problem. In other words: figuring it out is the hard part. Actually, a lot of the stress and angst evaporates once I pin down the problem.

That doesn’t mean it’s all resolved just from understanding myself a little better. There’s still work to do. But clarity brings a lot of peace, you know?

Good Omens was released a tiny bit more than two months ago. It’s hard to believe it’s been that long... and also hard to believe it’s only been that long. I watched it all in one day because I wanted that first viewing to be mine- I didn’t want to share it. I knew, even then, that I was going to be a bit... touchy... about the shipping of the main characters. Not because I felt that anyone was wrong to ship them, but because they’re a pair I ship very specifically. (Which is not something I do overly much, I tend to be pretty open about my ships. Not just in a ship-and-let-ship way, but in the way that I multi-ship, myself. Tenth doctor, for example, I ship with four different characters. Even though the main one I blog about is Rose. I have two anti-ships, but only one of those actually bothers me to the extent that I have the tags blocked- and that’s more because the other character disgusts me than an overt problem with the ship itself.)

And, not just that, I ship them as being a similar kind of queer to my own. So, they’re dear to my heart. I see them as ace, as I am myself. I see them as nonbinary, like me. As beings somewhere outside the human realm, I don’t think they have to follow human friend/romance rules, and that’s a relief to me. Because I have an incredibly difficult time understanding where all those lines are.

I have a lot of myself tied up in these characters, okay? I related to The Doctor, yes. I’ve related to a lot of characters. But... not like this.

And I have felt, predominantly, unwelcome in the fandom. In the fandom’s defense, a lot of my emotional reaction was from the initial round of “you either ship them or you’re homophobic” that was aimed at not just other members of the fandom, but the author of the story himself. But, in doing so, people alienated aces, aros, and nonbinary folks. It’s not just me. I do understand that this was not everyone’s opinion, and that even if it was it wasn’t intended this way... But, it was a loud enough message that I shut every related tag down for over a month, and still have them filtered. I’m one that’s pretty stable in my identity, but I felt banished for it. I felt I wasn’t queer enough for a space that I wanted to occupy- one that was supposed a queer space, itself.

And, I let it fester.

That festering bled over in to my tumblr home fandom: David Tennant. I dunno if anyone noticed, but I haven’t celebrated Tennant Tuesday in weeks. I mean, a lot of it was tied in with GO, anyway, and I was trying to avoid that. But, the constant barrage of how slutty he and all his characters are... just grated me to the point that I wanted to find a hole. That hole was pulling out of it almost entirely. I’m trying to rally, it’s just taking time.

But still, there was more to it... I was getting increasingly frustrated with myself because of how upset I was. And how much that upset was spreading in to other fandom areas that I love. I didn’t understand it as I have always been a “don’t like, keep scrolling” or blacklist kind of person. And, my goodness, I do want fluff from this pairing! But every time I put my toe in the GO fandom sandbox it was akin to being lit on fire. And not in a slow burn, this is fun suffering kind of way.

It occurred to me a week or so ago what it was that was bothering me: I am assumed to be courting whoever I’m friends with. Sure, laugh it up, but I’m serious. I’m assumed to be in a romantic relationship with my married best friend nearly every time we have a day out. From clerks in stores to kids on the street to waiters at restaurants. I’m not insulted by the insinuation. My best friend is my best friend for a reason- she’s a phenomenal person and I’m very lucky to have her in my life. We don’t even correct them most of the time, anymore. That doesn’t make it any less exhausting sometimes. It doesn’t do anything to make me less paranoid about, not just our friendship, but every friendship I have. In my first years at my workplace I was assumed to be sleeping with multiple married women. How people came to that conclusion, to this day, perplexes me. Here I was going home to tea and TV and I was supposedly out dallying with these women behind their husband’s backs! Even now, I’m hyper aware of some of my friendships with married friends... Because their SOs have made comments... maybe joking, maybe not... that nice things I’ve done for them is me coming on to them. Please, I’m just a genuinely nice person who likes doting on people I care about.

It really fucking sucks that my friendships are misread. I have spent a large portion of my life just not understanding romance. Not knowing how to engage in it. Not knowing where the lines are. Not understanding what might be expected of me- worrying about that. I haven’t really had those kinds of connections, guys. I’ve been in love, yes, a couple of times. But, it’s never been more than a confession that’s either rejected outright or... a slow dissolution of what used to be a cherished friendship. I feel an enormous amount of love for the people in my life, but when it comes to expressing it in any kind of romantic way... I am just at a loss. I’ve always kind of chalked this up to being queer and having a late start, but sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever figure it out.

But if there’s one thing I know, I know how to love my friends. Or, at least, I think I do. And my friends don’t seem to mind. It’s the way that it’s labeled from the outside that bothers me.

And, that brings me full circle to my point: the thing that bothered me was that I saw these two romantically challenged ace/enby characters and I thought “omg that’s me!” Then I saw people shipping them sexually and that was okay! Ship whatever you want. But, then I saw that if you didn’t ship them that way it was homophobic. It was wrong. How could you see it anyway but gay? Yes, QPRs have their place, but this isn’t it (something I actually saw in someone’s tags!).

I was gutted. I understand why now. People ship me and my close friends together all the time, friends. It makes people really happy to do so. They’re getting rep in public. They think it’s sweet. It makes them smile. It makes them engage socially with us when they might not otherwise. It gets us nice tables at restaurants so we “can see one another better.”

But we’re not romantically involved. No matter how much the public may enjoy imagining us being so. We have always been and will always be the best of friends.

Am I right to be mad at the whole fandom for how much this hurt? No. Absolutely not. And I have not, at any time, been mad at everyone. I can separate my own feelings from the situation. To be honest, I don’t even remember who made some of the comments that hurt me to begin with and I’ll never try to find out. I’m not in any of this to start arguments or sling mud. I’m in the fandom life for fun, to escape from real life for a bit, and to make friends if I can.

I say all of this mostly for my own mental health: I want to share it. I want to be understood. And, if there’s anyone out there who feels like me: I want them to know I understand them, too. It’s not just you. You’re not alone.

And I also want to explain that coming to these conclusions and talking about them has made it a bit easier to pat at the sand in the Good Omens sandbox. I’ve been poking and prodding as I feel like I can. So, you’ll likely see some GO stuff on my blog. I’ve still got everything filtered at the moment because I’m letting it in, as I said, as I feel like I can. All at once feels like it might squash me again and I don’t want to ruin the progress I’ve already made.

I guess I’ll end this by saying that I loved GO the book. I loved the series. I’m eternally grateful for Neil Gaiman and how he’s continually put his foot down that we can all make of it what we like: that’s the fandom’s toybox. The only things that are cannon are the words in black and white and that’s all he’ll comment on. They can continue to be your romantic gay ship. They can continue to be my ace/enby QPR. We can all play in this massive sandbox together. Just... pardon my bandaged wounds and my being a bit shy. It’s taken me a while to get up the nerve to be here.

#joi rambles #fandom life #good omens #asexuality #romance #i really don't know how else to tag this!#just... please be kind

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livvywrites · 5 years ago

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11/11/11

tagged by @aslanwrites, thanks so much~~~ this is one of my favorite tag games tbh xD

1. If your WIP got made into a movie, which actors/actresses would you cast for your main characters?

I’ve never been real good at fancasting, tbh. Probably because I really don’t watch a lot of movies. BUT, I do have some faceclaims that I’ve found through pinterest and other sites?

Alinora Mynerva -- Tuba Buyukustun

Lyr Inerra -- Luke Pasqualino

Talitha Jade -- short haired Halsey

Haven’t found any other fc’s yet, but there’s a short list!!

2. What is a story you’d like to write, but don’t know how to yet tackle?

There are a couple of different ones, actually.

The first is one I’ve talked about before on Tumblr. It’s called Heart Eater. (It’s a temporary title.) It’s a lot darker than my usual stories, though, so I have no idea where to even start. Not to mention I don’t know what kind of genre or setting to use...

The second is temporarily titled Guardians/Overmorrow. It’s more of a sci-fi/fantasy story, with both high technology and a little magic. Or a lot of magic. It was one of the first novel ideas that I came up with and stuck with, though I didn’t finish it. I would love to tackle it one day, but for the moment, I don’t have much for it! Nor much faith in my ability to tackle any of the science that would be involved xD

3. How do you deal with writer’s block?

Crying, begging, pleading, making sacrifices to the writing gods...

I kid, I kid.

I don’t really handle writer’s block all that well, tbh. But there are a couple of different things that (occasionally) work for me.

The first is just leaving the story alone. Focusing on something else, if it’s a specific story block, or just taking a break from writing all together. I’ll do things like read and play games instead.

The second is to stop writing the story, but still do things related to it. Create playlists--none of which I really like well enough to share, tbh, but I’m working on it! Make moodboards/aesthetics, do character questionnaires, revisit the plot with new templates... You know. Whatever I can do that’s still relevant to what I’m writing but isn’t actually writing. Or is, in the case of modern AU’s/pre-series drabbles. (Usually I’m too blocked up even for those, though.)

4. Coffee, hot chocolate, or tea?

All of the above!

I wish I could tell you I had a specific preference, but I really don’t. It switches up on me a lot. I CAN tell you that I’m picky about all of the above, though.

Tea I like to be sweet and a little spicy. I’m a big fan of Chai lattes, but I also have this lovely Warm Fireside tea that I ADORE. Sadly, they’ve discontinued it, though, so I’ll be hunting around again soon. *sigh* I also really enjoy sweet tea! But I like it *really* sweet.

Coffee I like with creamer. A lot of creamer. Like, two thirds coffee, one third creamer. Lattes are amazing, tbh. I mostly prefer vanilla flavoring, but sometimes I’ll go for caramel...

Hot chocolate is probably what I’m least picky about, tbh. I’ll drink it by itself, but I like it best with a bit of peppermint. (I keep peppermint creamer on hand, but I also usually have mints in my purse I can drop in.)

5. Do you believe in the death of the author?

Yes.

I think that an author’s interpretation and intention are still relevant to a work, but I also believe in a fan’s ability to disregard those things and do it their own way. And I don’t think that the author should interfere with that. Conversely, I don’t believe that fandom has the right to control how an author continues their work.

In short, while fandom and author overlap in the middle, there should also be some separation--much like a venn diagram ;)

6. What is a trope that needs more love?

You know, my first impulse was to say “found family” but like. That one is everywhere lately. (I am NOT complaining. I just don’t think it’s in the spirit of the question to answer that way xD)

So I don’t really know specific “tropes” necessarily, and I’m not falling into the void that is TV tropes to answer, so I’m just going to list some things that I, personally, would like to see more of?

male/female friendships that don’t end in romance, pls. AND, if either has a significant other, that SO doesn’t get jealous every time they’re in the vicinity of each other.

healthy M/F ships!!! no unnecessary miscommunication or jealousy please!! unless that miscomm is used for non relationship-threatening humor.

characters that don’t end in relationships??? it feels like in a lot of mainstream fiction lately all the characters end up with someone. i love a good romance as much as anyone, but as an ace and possibly aro person (questioning, majorly) it’s also a little disappointing???

the power of FRIENDSHIP. this probably goes hand-in-hand with the found family, but like. friendship/platonic love being the most important thing to a person??? yes pls.

I’ll stop there ‘cause I think that’s enough, but those are a few things!! :D

7. What is your biggest inspiration?

This question is actually really hard for me, because I don’t KNOW.

Part of me wants to just boil it down to life, to living every day and finding something new about the world/about myself. And that IS a good answer, and true as well, but it doesn’t feel quite... right.

I could tell you that I feel inspired every time I pick up a new book, or poem, or fanfic to read. I could tell you that I feel inspired every time I see a commercial for a movie or a TV show. I could tell you that history articles/magazines inspire me. I could tell you that hearing about different identities and cultures inspires me. I could tell you that I find inspiration everywhere, in everything, and that none of it would qualify as my “biggest” inspiration, because I get little bits from everywhere.

But that still doesn’t feel right either.

I feel like maybe I’m missing the point of the question.

8. Let’s go on a little adventure: One day, you end up in the same world as your characters–or if they’re in ours, you end up with your characters in some way, shape or form. What do you do?

I’m going to assume that either they don’t know who I am or think of me as some scribe meant to tell their story, instead of the person who created it. (Which is how I think of myself sometimes, tbh.) Because otherwise I feel like they would probably be maybe a little mad at me.

So, first things first, I probably give Alinora and Aishlynn a hug. Well. Okay. I don’t hug them because neither of them would be super comfortable with that. (Alinora doesn’t mind, and even appreciates, hugs from people she knows, but not so much people she doesn’t. Aishlynn just isn’t big on hugs in general.)

And then I probably fangirl a little.

Just a little.

I mean. These are my BABIES, and yes they’re flawed and have their weak spots but. They’re also so STRONG and HEROIC and GOOD and I just LOVE THEM.

9. If you had a magical power, what would that power be?

Probably something like empathy. tbh, but I would WANT like... the ability to not have to sleep. Though I guess that would probably get boring after a while.

10. What is a genre that you feel is underrated? What about overrated?

So, I feel like every genre has the potential to be done really well, and I think I could probably enjoy something from pretty much any of them. HOWEVER. Lately I’ve been a little... uninterested in a lot of mainstream YA fiction. Not all of it, necessarily, but a lot of it. It��s not that I think YA as a whole is overrated, because I don’t. But at the same time, I do?? I dunno. I wanna read more about older people??? Not full-on “adult” fiction, but y’know. New Adult. And while I don’t think NA is “underrated” specifically, I do wish they had an actual section for it in bookstores.

11. Have you accomplished anything that you’re proud of?

Yes. I finished my very first novel around 17. (I might have actually been 16 and a half.) I still have yet to complete the second draft/full rewrite, but I’m still really proud of actually FINISHING it.

I’m also really proud of how far I’ve made it into THE MARTYR QUEEN. I’ve started and re-started that story so many times, and actually being THIS close to the end, with a draft I don’t hate... It’s amazing. I mean, it definitely needs changes, but I’m really proud of how it’s shaping up.

Now if I could just finish a short story.... X’D

MY QUESTIONS

Have you ever been so disappointed/unimpressed by a character’s concept/arc/etc. that you decided to take that concept and write it how you wished it had been told? Whether you’ve started the story or not is irrelevant, just if you’ve got an idea built up!

What do you feel are your biggest strengths in writing? What makes you look back over your writing and feel proud?

Are there any characters, themes, setting types, etc that you see popping up over and over again in your writing? Why do you think that is?

If you could give your past self any writing-related advice, what would you tell them?

When it comes to character creation, what are things you HAVE to know before you start writing, if anything?

Similarly, what are some things you HAVE to know about your plot before you start writing, if anything?

How often do find that your characters/plot surprise you?

What do you find the most difficult/what is your weakest point when it comes to world-building?

What experiences do you feel have most shaped your writing? (It’s okay if you don’t want to share specifics, or don’t want to share at all! Or just don’t know. You can say something else that majorly shaped your writing :D)

Do you find it easier to work alone, or to have at least one other writer/person encouraging you?

Assuming you aren’t already, if you were ever to write a story based off of a mythology/fairytale/other, which one would you choose, and how would you do it?

(i won’t be tagging 11 people, i’m sorry! but if you see this and WANT to do it, PLEASE do so and tag me. if i’ve already tagged you in something like this recently, feel free to pick which one you do <3)

tagging: @aslanwrites (yes, i’m tagging you back, but only do it if you want to! or save it for later, when you wanna have something to do. i don’t mind xD) @waterfallwritings, @diabhals, @matterovermindpodcast, @firesidefantasy, @klywrites

#tag games #11 11 11 #my answer for my first question is yes btw #specifically based off of dany's character in got #i wrote the prologue before the final season aired #not that i actually ever watched got #i just read the books #but like #im not sure i like where her character is going in the books???#i dunno #we'll see #but i decided to write my own version of the concept #but v v different at the same time #its called valkyrie #it'll be my next project #cause it's a standalone #i might post a moodboard for it later xD #feel free to ask about it if you want!

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arosnowflake · 6 years ago

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don’t reblog this maybe but this intracommunity aro/aspec discourse has really highlighted how my experiences with being aroace differ from the majority of the aroace community and it makes me. uncomfy.

(I was gonna do the following section in the tags but it got too long so. enjoy the rambly post I guess.)

It’s so weird too??? In almost all ways, I’m the most stereotypical aroace to have ever aroaced; I’m sex- and romance repulsed, I do not want either sexual or romantic relationships, I want a qpr (I realize that wanting a qpr is not the norm outside of aro communities, but this assumption does kind of tend to exist within aro communities, although from what I’ve seen that has certainly died down), I found out I was ace in my late teens and figured out I was aro a year or two after that, I do not nor have I ever experienced any type of romantic or sexual attraction (aka I’m not gray-ace or gray-aro), I’m not an oriented aroace, etc.

Unlike with my trans/nb identity I tend to actually relate to the wider aroace community; it’s by far the easiest queer identity I have because I generally fall within the parameters of what’s ‘expected’ of an aroace 99% of the time. There’s really only two major exceptions:

I do not find it difficult to distinguish between my aromanticism and my asexuality. They are not the same for me. I see my asexuality and aromanticism as two separate identities that just so happen to coincide.

I consider my aromanticism to be a LOT more important than my asexuality. Really I’m more aro(ace) than aroace if you get what I mean.

And BOY are those differences highlighted by the recent discourse.

Like, I know that to aroaces who already feel alienated by the aroace community this must seem eye-roll-worthy, and I acknowledge how lucky I am that I (mostly) managed to feel safe and comfortable in the aroace community (albeit it more on the aro side of things than on the ace side), but like??? I’m really unused to feeling so alienated from the aroace community and it’s uhhhh unfun.

But honestly in this discourse? I just cannot at all relate to or get behind the aroace community’s approach to it. I don’t feel threatened by the idea that we might have a complete separation from the ace community. As a matter of fact, that’s what I want. If it were up to me and I didn’t have to take the feelings of anyone else into account, I’d want a complete separation between the ace and aro communities. I’d want to maintain strong ties between the communities, obviously, but I’m so fucking tired of being grouped together with the ace community. I want the aro community to be able to stand on its own as the ace community’s equal, not their younger sibling who still needs guidance. I want us to be our own thing without relying on the ace community at all. I want a complete separation of asexuality and aromanticism.

I acknowledge, however, that this is likely not practical. There are too many aroaces tying us together, and we share too much history. It would be unfair to aroaces who cannot separate their aromanticism and asexuality and/or just don’t want to choose like that to just implement a complete schism without regard for consequences. I acknowledge that. I still want it.

It’s not that I hate the ace community. I really don’t. I honestly don’t feel as bitter towards it as a lot of the aro community seems to. I really think that the ace community is one of the most welcoming communities I’ve ever been in; they helped me understand my asexuality in a way that lifted me up and made me secure in it, and I’m really thankful to them for helping me through that vulnerable time. I think that it’s amazing what the ace community has managed to achieve in such little time; barely a decade ago, we were nothing, and now, we are steadily on our way to becoming a widely recognized sexuality, with well-organized groups and clear objectives. It’s seriously impressive.

At the same time, however, they royally screwed up my aro education, to the point where even though I was very, VERY clearly aromantic I was extremely hesitant to adopt the label, and it wasn’t until I actually managed to get involved in the aro community via a mutual that I actually started embracing it; in fact, before I talked to that mutual, I was really only peripherally aware of the existence of an aro community. I did not understand what a qpr was. I did not understand how the aromanticism was a spectrum, or know any aro identities outside of aro, gray-aro, and demiro (it was thanks to another mutual that I got off my initial high horse about greyro identities and actually started researching them with an open mind, by the way. I’m still definitely not perfect and consider them to be my largest blind spot in the aro community, but at least I’m trying to learn). I was not aware of any aspects of aro culture, or at least they didn’t register (white ring, arrows, etc. etc). And those were really just minor things.

The big kicker for me is that, honestly, my experience with the way the ace community treated aromanticism was. kinda different from what most aros seem to have experienced. Maybe it’s the people I interacted with, the blogs I followed, idk, but whatever it is, I got the impression that my aromantic traits were part of my asexuality. I never really felt like the ace community was pushing the ‘aces can love!’ message too hard; instead, I got the opposite. I got posts joking about how aces don’t get crushes. About how aces are annoyed with romantic subplots. I got essays written where the author stated that they don’t feel romantic attraction because they are asexual. I got posts about how characters who said “I don’t understand/want romance” are ace. I got ace activists who talked about being aroace without ever mentioning the ‘aro’ part, or who mentioned it in passing at best, and who often still positioned themselves as authorities on aromanticism despite that. All the time that I’ve spent in the ace community, and I consistently saw asexuality conflated with aromanticism. I still see it every time I go into the ace community. It’s why I’m not active in it anymore.

As a result, I did not understand the impact that my aromanticism had my life, or even that I was aromantic at all; I got the impression that all my aro traits could be ascribed to my asexuality. As a result, I spent a long time identifying as a non-SAM-using ace, then as an aroace who strongly favored their asexuality, and then an aroace who didn’t think their aromanticism could be separated from their asexuality. But, as I have stated earlier in this essay, I can separate them. Very easily, even. I just didn’t have the proper tools yet to identify my aromanticism. This was also the reason why I thought my asexuality was more important; I didn’t have the proper tools to recognize my aromanticism, and with that, the effect it had on my daily life.

(Disclaimer: I’m obviously not saying that all aroaces who consider their aromanticism to be part of their asexuality, or who can’t distinguish between them, or who favor their asexuality are going to have the same experience that I did. Plenty of aroaces won’t. I’m just talking about a personal experience.)

The ace community screwed up my aro education by failing to recognize that aromanticism is not a facet of asexuality. While the ace community loves to remind everyone that aces can still feel romantic attraction, they are blindsided to the fact that aros can still feel sexual attraction. That aromanticism is not inherently tied to asexuality, and that the experiences of aroaces who cannot seperate their aromanticism and their asexuality aren’t universal in the aro community by any means.

I can forgive the ace community for not educating me on things coined by or primarily used by aros, such as qpr’s, aro culture elements, and greyro identities. They are not required to keep up with every step that our community takes. I cannot forgive them for failing to provide me with basic information on aromanticism other than the acknowledgement that it existed, for consistently conflating aromanticism and asexuality, for failing to give me the proper resources to figure out my aro identity, when we are supposed to be ‘connected’ communities.

TL;DR: my aro education got severely fucked up by the assumption that all aros are asexual, and if it hadn’t been for a complete fluke of striking up a conversation with someone who happened to be involved in the aro community, I might have never been able to properly appreciate or recognize my aromanticism.

You can see how these experiences kind of overlap with those of allo aros. Obviously, they’re not the same, like at all, but the fact of the matter is that I can relate to the bitterness that allo aros feel towards the ace community. Often a lot more than I can relate to aroaces’ feelings towards the ace community, be they negative or positive.

And because of those experiences, you can see why I’m distrustful of letting the ace community stay intrinsically connected to the aro community. They are larger, and therefore have a louder voice and more reach; if we, as aros, don’t grow on our own, outside of the ace community’s shadow, I’m genuinely unsure of whether we’ll ever be able to reach our full potential. Because as it stands, the majority of aros will need to go through the ace community first, and I think they’ve sufficiently proven to be wholly inadequate in providing aros resources to figure out their aromanticism. And frankly? I don’t want the ace community to be the primary educators on aromanticism. That’s a recipe for disaster no matter what. I want the aro community to be the go-to place for information on aromanticism, and that can only happen if we are as loud, as big as the ace community.

I don’t relate to a lot of aroaces’ torn feelings between the ace community and the aro community, because in my case, that choice was made a long time ago: it’s the aro community. It will always be the aro community. While I’m thankful towards the ace community for sheltering me when I was vulnerable, and while I will always stand with them if they need to fight against assholes or need to spread awareness, and while I’ll probably never really drop the ace label and will occasionally participate in ace-centric discussions, they are not my priority, because I was never theirs. There is no love lost between me and the ace community. My aromanticism is the part of me that is most prominent in day-to-day life, and it’s what I consider to be the most important because of that; the aro community is tiny still, struggling to gain recognition and find a direction, and it needs my support more than the ace community ever did.

Furthermore, in this discussion, I strongly believe that the aro community needs to prioritize the feelings of allo aros, and other non-asexual aros and aros who do not feel comfortable in the ace community for other reasons. While we aroaces are definitely important and should obviously have a say in the way the community is heading (I mean. Duh. We’re aro), I’m uncomfortable with aroaces taking charge of community conversations because I feel like that’s just a repeat of what’s been happening in the wider aspec community for a long, long time: ace people taking charge, leaving less-recognized aros in the dust. Obviously, a large part of that is due to my own personal experiences with aces talking over aros for the majority of my aro education, and I’m (perhaps irrationally) scared that the same thing is going to happen here. But a large part of it is also due to the fact that, as is, aroaces are the largest voice in the aro community; this is an undeniable fact. It would be easy, way too easy, for us to unknowingly drown out the voices of allo aros, when we should be amplifying them and giving them a place of honor. The ace community’s problems with aromanticism affect non-asexual aros the most and in unique ways, and I feel like they should be leading the discussion surrounding it no matter what, really.

But I feel kind of like a traitor to aroace people because of this. My needs for the aro community obviously don’t align with that of other aroaces; I’d be willing to let relationships with the ace community burn entirely if it meant securing a spot for the aro community, which would obviously fuck over aroaces who DO need the ace community and want to participate in it, and aroaces who just simply aren’t capable of separating their aromanticism from their asexuality. I just fundamentally cannot relate to those needs and the feelings that come along with it. I just can’t.

As a result, aside from reblogging some posts, I’ve been mostly quiet about my personal opinions on the topic. I do not feel like I’m the right person to be involved in this discourse; as an aroace, I have too much emotional baggage surrounding the ace community to advocate for their needs and I have been absent from the ace community for too long to have a good grasp on it anyway; and as an aromantic plain and simple, I do not feel like I should be leading this charge anyway because of my asexuality. While I find it bad to split the aro community in terms like that (I don’t believe that this discourse is a simple matter of aroaces vs. allo aros; it’s much more complicated than that, and I’ve seen aroaces and allo aros supporting each other, and of course there’s also non-SAM-aros and greyros/grayaces to consider in this discourse, which I haven’t really seen come up yet aside from a handful of posts), it really does often feel like this is the split around which the discourse is centered. And it sucks to not easily be able to identify with either ‘side’, and to lose the security I thought I had in the (aro-leaning side of the) aroace community.

This is probably the last I’m going to say on this intracommunity issue on my own; I’ll be reblogging posts and watching it go down, but I don’t feel like I’m in any way equipped to really have meaningful say in this discourse. I might change my mind later on, but as of now, this is where I stand: confused, mainly.

#my posts #personal #aro stuff #ace stuff

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annethecaptain · 5 years ago

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70 horrible questions ... Fuck it

tagged by @fondlybuck (thank you no one ever tags me!)

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents? Yes and No. It’s complicated because they’re separated, but I got sick and had to move back in with my dad, and them my mom showed up after being mostly gone for 14 years to “help out” and it’s just, not great. I’m greatful for the help but OMG I need to get independent ASAP for my own mental health. 

02: Who did you last say “I love you” to? My cat.

 03: Do you regret anything? Soooooo much. I wish I could be one of those “no regrets” people but having an anxiety disorder and a toxic family and a long term illness/disability means I can’t be one of those people. 

04: Are you insecure? About some things yes, about others no, and then there are the things that depend on the day. 

05: What is your relationship status? SINGLE. I’m asexual and aromantic so that’s my preferred situation. 

06: How do you want to die? Assisted suicide. Whether I’m 35 or 85 I want to go out on my own terms, unless I just go painlessly and unaware in my sleep.

 07: What did you last eat? Banh Mi and Milk Tea 

08: Played any sports? hahahaha no 

09: Do you bite your nails? not any more thanks to my high school best friend (thanks Amy!). I had her whack me every time I went to bite them and stopped pretty quick because of that lol 

10: When was your last physical fight? I was maybe 16? But some stuff happened when my sister was an active substance abuser later so I guess I defended myself up until like 20-21? 

11: Do you like someone? nope 

12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours? yep 

13: Do you hate anyone at the moment? yesssssss 

14: Do you miss someone? too many people and so much 

15: Have any pets? two cats who are my saviors 

16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment? complex, worried, driven, anxious, pessimistic, hopeful, sad 

17: Ever made out in the bathroom? nope 

18: Are you scared of spiders? depends on the spider but yes mostly

 19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? yes 

20: Where was the last place you snogged someone? I tried making out with a dude once when I was 17 (it was boring and I am deffo ace) and it was at a cafe in SF afterhours since he closed up for the night. pretty sure some tourists saw us haha 

21: What are your plans for this weekend? chill 

22: Do you want to have kids? How many? no way

 23: Do you have piercings? How many? nope

 24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)? history and anthropology, which I ended up double majoring in for undergrad

 25: Do you miss anyone from your past? so many people

 26: What are you craving right now? health and financial stability and independence and purpose 

27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart? I don’t think so? 

28: Have you ever been cheated on? nope because I’ve never dated 

29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry? nope as I’ve never had one

 30: What’s irritating you right now? my body and the american healthcare system and capitalism

 31: Does somebody love you? I don’t think so? 

32: What is your favourite color? GREEN 

33: Do you have trust issues? yes 

34: Who/what was your last dream about? my dad ate all the cream cheese chive and green onion schmear my mom and I had just made (two whole tubs!) and I got really mad and yelled at him. We laughed about it this morning

 35: Who was the last person you cried in front of? my dad and accidentally my mom because she came home when I was crying, and she made me stop immediately

 36: Do you give out second chances too easily? no 

37: Is it easier to forgive or forget? neither 

38: Is this year the best year of your life? no 

39: How old were you when you had your first kiss? 17

 40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked? I’m sure as a kid but not as an adult 

51: Favourite food? don’t have one 

52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason? no 

53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? put topical pain stuff on my neck and shoulders as per usual 

54: Is cheating ever okay? depends what you define as cheating. usually no but for example my parents have been separated for decades but are still legally married and both have had relationships since

 55: Are you mean? apparently no but I think I need to be more assertive dealing with the health stuff and my mom 

56: How many people have you fist fought? two

 57: Do you believe in true love? no 

58: Favourite weather? stormy 

59: Do you like the snow? love it 

60: Do you wanna get married? no 

61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? no one calls me baby so IDK

 62: What makes you happy? health, my cat, stability, knowledge 

63: Would you change your name? I hate it so yes 

64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed? I don’t know where he is or what he’s up to as it’s been over a decade but I wouldn’t really care

 65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? tell them I’m flattered but ace/aro

 66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around? I don’t have any friends at the moment 

67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to? my dad and before that the guy I got Banh Mi from. I don’t talk to a lot of people right now regardless of gender 

68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? my therapist? 

69: Do you believe in soulmates? no 

70: Is there anyone you would die for? not a human, no

Tagging anyone who wants to do whichever questions they want.

OP was @livixdunne but it’s a dead link and I couldn’t copy-paste in the ask reply so giving credit here.

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hungarianmudkip69 · 5 years ago

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on queer as an identity

i commented something like this on accio-shitpost's post but I felt like making it its own post i guess so here we go...

Queer is an incredibly important word for me. I'm ace, and although I believe I'm also heteromantic (might be biromantic? and/or on the aro spectrum? but still figuring that out) ive always felt... like I didn't fit in with straight people, that they didn't understand me and I didn't understand them (straight here meaning both heteromantic and heterosexual.) Queer not only gives me a community who understands that feeling but gives me a word I can use to say shorthand, hey, I'm part of this community, this is why I see things different, without having to explain to clueless straights what ace is and no, its not about fucking, its actually -

But for other people, that's not what it means. I grew up in an accepting community. Gay was used as an insult in middle school, like I understand was cool everywhere at the time - I never understood it (i distinctively remember asking how a pencil could be gay when it wasn't alive and being laughed at) - but beyond that, homophobia, transphobia, etc just weren't prominent (at least, not that I noticed - I can be oblivious.) Kids came out at school and everyone seemed to accept it and move on. I never, ever have heard queer used as in insult in real life, only as an identity. Not everyone is that lucky.

For some people, queer was a word used to insult them, belittle them, reject them, a word that went along with violence and pain. For those people, being called queer is not a statement of their identity, it is a reminder of that pain. And that's just as true as the happiness it gives me.

And we can respect BOTH of these. Some people seem to think it's either, "all lgbtqia+ people are queer" or "no one should use queer as an identity." The way I see it, queer is an identity word you CHOOSE. Not one that you automatically come into just because you're gay, or trans, or aspec, or whatever. It doesn't apply to people who don't want it to apply to them. The queer community is overlapping with but separate from the lgbtqia+ community.

You can respect people who find happiness in the identity of queer, like myself. You can also, at the same time, respect people who find pain in the word, and not try to tell them they are something that has caused them pain.

It's possible to respect people with experiences different from your own.

Some people have reclaimed queer. Some haven't. That's just how things are. It's not that hard to be kind and respectful to each other.

Please do not tag this post as "q slur." (I will not fight about why, other people such as @vaspider have made posts about it far better than I could express myself.) "q word" is fine although i would prefer if it were just tagged "queer" if you want to tag for blacklists.

Ace exclusionists, terfs/swerfs, maps, etc do not interact.

#queer #ace stuff #actuallyasexual #lgbtqia+#actuallyqueer #is that a thing?#i dont go in queer and ace tags much the past few years as discourse is vaguely triggering for me

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maychorian · 8 years ago

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Do you know of any good Voltron fics with hurt Keith?? I can never find any, and if I do they're super shippy. Ships are fine, but I really enjoy some good gen. Thanks!

I definitely have some of these, though not nearly as much as I have hurt!Lance. I’ll see what I can do.

Between by SilverkleptofoxWords: 2,086 Author’s Summary: Between the biggest revelation of his life and his whole world changing, there is no time for Keith to rest and recover. His teammates make sure he does anyway. Tag to Season 2 Episode 8.My Comments: Almost unnecessarily detailed hurt/comfort based on canon injuries, haha. I love it.

Measuring Up by MoonlitWaterSunnyRiverWords: 1,092 Author’s Summary: Keith has insomnia, and finally decides to *do* something about it. Turns out he’s not the only one up at night. Keith & Lance friendship, written for Platonic VLD Week. My Comments: Aw, boys. Good talk.

Scattered by avidbeaderWords: 27,974 (WIP 11/?)Author’s Summary: Separated by Haggar’s parting shot, the Alteans and their new Paladins must regroup and find one another across the galaxies. Along the way, they will discover tragedy, treachery, and hope. Season 2 AU, no ships. My Comments: Really good action fic following the Season 1 finale. I got sucked into all of the paladins’ separate adventures really quickly, and it’s so satisfying to watch them slowly reunite. I’m really worried about Keith, though.

Aftermath by tristen84Words: 1,975 Author’s Summary: After his ordeal at the Blade of Marmora base, Keith turns out to be in worse shape than he thought. Hunk and Lance try to help. My Comments: I believe there was a call for more post-ep 8 Keith whump? Yes, it is here. I especially like that it’s Lance and Hunk who do the supporting in this one.

Insomnia by GriffinRoseWords: 15,278 Author’s Summary: They reunite after the Wormhole Incident all in one piece. Mostly. But some scars can’t be seen. Keith can’t sleep, no matter how hard he tries. Luckily he’s got the best team/family ever who are not about to let this go. No, seriously, they won’t let it go.My Comments: Absolutely wonderful, subtle hurt/comfort and teamy goodness. What was really wrong and how to fix it was obvious to me early on, but it was fun to watch the team slowly figure it out.

Casserole by genericfanaticWords: 1,922 Author’s Summary: After Shiro “dies” on the Kerberos mission, Keith is all alone. Some days are harder than others.My Comments: This author really excels at sharp, almost harsh depictions of pain and grief that are so realistic that you can feel it yourself. So good.

Wolves by Utsukushin (UserFromPluto)Words: 2,498 Author’s Summary: Keith’s hands shook, and for a second he allowed himself to give in to weakness, slumping forward so his upper body rested on Red’s dashboard. His eyes slipped closed, and immediately he was assaulted with a brutal wave - flashes of laser blasts and screams, the violent jolting of his lion in combat, tiny droplets of blood flying off his sword… “Keith?” (Keith has a hard time calming down after battles)My Comments: Stressed-out, hyper-vigilant Keith is really well-written and vivid, and the team’s concerted effort to surround him and make him feel safe again is lovely.

No Desert For You by MikiriWords: 5,373 Author’s Summary: They may have won, but what happens after? Keith worries of returning to Earth and the team comforts him as best they can.My Comments: SO sweet and comforting. Wonderful paladin pile, and I love how they just went around the room taking turns telling Keith that he’s been adopted and he’s not going back to the desert alone. Ever.

A Little Unsteady (Hold Onto Me) by DeerstalkerDeathFrisbeeWords: 13,385 Author’s Summary: Takashi Shirogane is nine years old when he holds his brother for the first time. “I’m here,” he’d whispered to his fussing baby brother, “I’m here, I’m here, I’m here.” And Keith stopped crying. He didn’t laugh; he looked up at Shiro with big, skeptical eyes. A challenge. Like this tiny person was saying ‘oh yeah, prove it’. And Shiro, newly nine years old, promised that he’d prove it. Shiro and Keith’s childhood in moments.My Comments: Modern setting AU, but with a few tweaks I could absolutely see this working in canon-verse. It’s incredibly touching and well-written, and Shiro’s development from reluctant child to fiercely protective big brother was beautiful to watch. Both boys went through a lot of heartache, but by the end they’re together, and you know they’re going to be okay.

Closure by wolfsan11Word Count: 7,837 Author’s Summary: Between finding Pidge’s family and healing up from the final battle against Zarkon, the Paladins only think of heading home, back to Earth. Keith has a hard time with that idea and the team helps. My Comments: This is just the sweetest. Everyone needs to hug Keith and reassure him that they’re family, no matter what.

A Gift Horse by To Be or Not to- Oh forget it (Mikki)Words: 17,801 Author’s Summary: The paladins of Voltron are the universe’s only hope, and they are ready to fight against the Galra. The only problem is, they’re one short. After stumbling their way through freeing a planet however, they might just find the solution to their problem in the form of a ‘gift of gratitude’. No one is happy about it.My Comments: Tagged as slight Klance, but reads gen. Warning for abuse, including implied sexual abuse, and slavery. So yeah. Team Voltron is “given” a Keith who has been raised as a Galra and enslaved for years. And then they proceed to absolutely bungle their handling of him. But I really liked Lance doing his best to get to know Keith as a person rather than a problem to be solved, and I find the concept really interesting. This is one of those fics where I want to write the sequel, because a LOT of work is going to need to be done to get these characters anywhere near healed after something like this.

Trial by Ordeal by To Be or Not to- Oh forget it (Mikki)Words: 89,187 Author’s Summary: They’re supposed to be two sides of the same coin, or something like that. The truth is a bit more complicated. (Character study of Keith and Lance)My Comments: This is long, but absolutely worth the effort. Warning for depictions of abuse in both parts, but it’s treated realistically and respectfully. There were parts in Keith’s chapter that I had to stop reading for a while and do something else, and pretty much everything in Lance’s chapter made me ache for him and the family he left behind. But it’s really, really good. Amazingly well-written and deep and lifelike, and it all makes so much sense, for both of these characters. I’ll be thinking about this one for a long, long time.

Burning Bright by RaccoonDoomWords: 2,221 Summary: For an anon request on my tumblr: “Can you do a klance fic where Keith is sick and Lance is surprisingly good at taking care of him despite his mood swings and bouts of delirium?” Not exactly what they requested but eh close enough. The first time sickness hit the team, it hit Keith. Hard. At least it’s easier to be sick when you have a team than when you’re alone in the desert.My Comments: Keith doesn’t know when to ask for help, but fortunately he doesn’t have to. Lance acts exasperated, but I think he secretly likes being needed, and he’ll step in wherever he can.

Keith Alone by cheshirereeWords: 5,328 Summary: Keith grows up alone, then he gains a family. It somehow becomes a cycle. Vent fic. My Comments: Very sad at the beginning, but well-written backstory and character study. This history for Shiro and Keith makes a lot of sense, and I loved the way Keith gradually came to accept the other paladins, too, and learn to interact with them. They have more in common than they believe at first.

An Echo of Thunder by WashiPuppyWords: 6,934 Author’s Summary: Good thing Lance has a plan. Okay, the second part of the plan had a few holes. It was a work-in-progress. Keith didn’t need to know that though.My Comments: HOLY EVERYTHING BATMAN I LOVE THIS FIC SO MUCH. I can’t even…I don’t want to spoil it! Just, okay, Lance and Keith are in trouble, right, and they both want to protect each other, isn’t that adorable, but THE LIONS. RED AND ALSO BLUE. Read it read it read it. If you read nothing else on the list this week, read this one. It made me SO happy. Fave. Fave of all time.

Call of Duty by APendingThought for MilkTeaMikuWords: 4,184 Author’s Summary: Lance thought he could handle most things when it came to Keith. He was not prepared for an infant Keith with an ear infection, however. My Comments: I may be aro/ace, and I definitely am, but there is still a very id part of me that is EXTREMELY pleased with the image of an attractive man taking care of a baby, and this story fed that part of me in the most wonderful way. Sweet and satisfying.

Conditional Acceptance by yet_intrepidWords: 6,914 Author’s Summary: Shiro’s looking for a job. Keith, new to the Garrison, needs a tutor to be allowed to stay. He also needs a lot of other things - a decent meal plan, for one, but more importantly, a friend. My Comments: Oh, gosh, this fic broke my heart, but it’s SO good. I would happily accept this as canon. I mean, I kind of have already. Poor Keith is so scared and sad and needy, and Shiro is nervous and out of his depth but so badly wants to help. And Matt as Shiro’s roommate is amazing. I just adore this one to pieces.

What If The Storm Ends? by earthstarWords: 17,913 Author’s Summary: After the fight with Zarkon, Keith finds himself stranded alone on a strange forest planet. All hope seems lost when he gets bitten by venomous creature, but he finds aid from someone he’s not sure he can trust. My Comments: I usually avoid Galra!Keith stuff, idk why, guess I want to see what canon does first. But I am a HUGE sucker for a wise and protective adult trying to take care of a scared and needy kid, and that’s what this is. The plot is great, as well as the character interactions and development, and I would happily accept this in canon.

Standing on the Edge by LenoirWhittlethornWords: 2,901 (WIP)Author’s Summary: Keith doesn’t know how to ask for hugs. My Comments: Golly, I am just ACHING for more of this. It’s so cute and sweet and touching. Keith needs all the hugs, omg. He doesn’t know how to ask, but fortunately the others know how to give.

assistance by asexualreyWords: 1,096 Author’s Summary: Keith managed to break his leg and Lance almost feels sorry for him. My Comments: This one is short and sweet, a little funny, a little sad, but very in character. I would like for these silly boys to be friends eventually, please.

Prison Bonds by GriffinRoseWords: 18,295 Author’s Summary: Keith and Lance are captured and stuck in a cell together, but it’s not the Galra. They almost wish it was. These Cordalians feed off of emotions, and their favorite emotion is sadness. Worse, they’ve found a way to make their victims relive their worst memories to make that pain fresh again, and Keith has a lot of terrible memories he’d rather not relive. My Comments: SO GOOD. SO MUCH PLATONIC CUDDLING. Lance and Keith are both suffering horribly, and all they can do is comfort each other and wait for rescue. I’m so happy that it’s gen, too. And it’s finished! Run, don’t walk. It’s so great.

Impractical Immune Responses by hufflepirateWords: 4,829 Author’s Summary: Keith discovers that he’s horribly allergic to something on the new planet they’ve landed on, and Coran discovers that his cryopods are completely unable to do anything about seasonal allergies. Luckily, the rest of the team has some ideas about what to do. Keith may not be good at acknowledging his weaknesses, asking for help, or letting other people take care of him, but he’s about to get a LOT of practice - enough to start surprising himself.My Comments: I really like how EVERYONE has an important role in this, all doing their best to take care of Keith and help him feel better. And Keith’s development is really lovely, as he starts off scared and distant then slowly warms up to the idea of leaning on his teammates for help. It’s a very sweet fic with a bit of depth, just how I like my h/c.

You stole a BABY?! by genericfanaticWords: 24,324 Author’s Summary: The castle ship has a new stowaway, and Keith and Lance must figure out how to take care of them without alerting the rest of the crew. My Comments: Warning for child abuse, though it’s in the past. But yeah, this is a great angsty, h/c fic with endgame Klance but more importantly, Keith and Lance taking care of an adorable alien child. It’s well thought-out and plotted, and I enjoyed it from beginning to end. Loved Lance being smart and analytical with his research and Keith showing his fighting chops in an unfamiliar situation, too.

#askbox #voltron legendary defender #space kageyama #rec request #please reply and reblog with more #stvles-stilinski

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