#I mean actual sleep dreams

[pinolitas]

it's so fun to have dreams again

[doe-prince]

Lately my dreams have been bloody

[starflungwaddledee]

did you remember to leave space for all your phantom limbs?

⋆｡ ﾟ☁︎｡ ⋆｡ ﾟ☀︎｡ ⋆｡ ﾟ ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ˚★⋆｡˚ ┊ ┊ ⋆ ┊ ★⋆ ┊ ◦ kirbytober 2024 #03 ★⋆ miracle // phantom // magic

[merlins-strawberriesandroses]

The thing no one ever considers while writing up character analyses about Merlin is that. he must have been sooooooo sleepy.

[cent-scratchnsniff]

here together

[starbuck]

idk why people think that just because they’re good friends with someone means they should be in a relationship… like. i’m SORRY you like me more than all your other friends now… can’t it just be good that we’re good friends??????? why does that automatically mean that we have to be life partners??????????

[yourgamemasterthewhiterabbit]

Both my parents actually suffer from HORRID emotional dysregulation and are prone to snapping and going into rages. My sister is the same way tbh. I am now realizing this is why they are constantly baffled by the question of whether or not I am mad at them.

I don't have external meltdowns.

I could. I don't let it happen.

I keep my rage on the inside and stay pretty quiet about it. It's just as strong as theirs [physically shaking nose bleed from high blood pressure kind of bad], but like as a kid I saw how terrifying it was to be around [dad breaking dishes, mom putting our lawn chairs into walls] and I just internalized that I wasn't going to wear that anger on the outside.

So my mother genuinely cannot tell if I am just being quiet or if I am silently hearing the dial-up noises of pure rage. This has lead her to both making strong and confident statements like "You are a pacifist who would never hurt a fly U.U" but also acting like I am secretly dangerous maybe... It's because she has never seen me snap.

She knows what her temper is like [throwing chairs through walls], she knows what my father's temper is like [pick up child and toss out door], and she can tell I am being tested, but she doesn't know what happens when I snap or where that breaking point is.

Her -perhaps unhinged- solution to this, my whole life, has been to do things that should obviously enrage me or shut me down completely, like ignoring important boundaries, repeatedly, punishing me for expressing emotions or needs at all, etc... And then to constantly ask me if I am angry with her when I get too quiet [right after near directly telling me to shut up].

It has occurred to me now, they have never once seen me lose my temper, so they literally just can't tell if I am angry at them. My sister is easy, my mother fights and screams with my sister constantly, my mother understands this. My mother doesn't have any grasp of feelings or boundaries that are not screamed at her [apparently, and I fear my sister is the same way]. Her and my sister are close despite constant fucking fighting because they understand each other.

They are trying to get me to engage the same way and it is not working. I realize now that this has been hard for them.

I was so successfully taught to suppress my emotions, by being punished for any outburst, that rage quiet looks the same as any other kind of quiet from the outside. To them anyway.

I did tell her. For the record. I used my words. I did tell her very calmly that my response to rage, in order to avoid doing the things that terrified me as a child, was to simply leave [the autistic urge to GTFO]. When a situation or person causes too much of the dial-up rage noise, I simply extract myself from that situation, up to and including never speaking to a person again. I explained this calmly. I explained it calmly 100 times and I explained that I explain myself calmly as my rage response 1-5 [also pretty much every other negative emotion tbh], and I told her that what came next was me simply opting out and fucking off. I told her this. I couldn't understand why she never took me seriously, or why she never fucking understood.

I couldn't understand what made her like this.

But it's the same problem I have with everyone else multiplied by a factor of 10.

If I am explaining myself calmly, they can't understand that it's actually serious or that I am actually upset. ESPECIALLY because they read me as "female" and women "aren't that rational" so if I am not screaming and crying about something, which I never do, people assume I can't be upset and it isn't serious.

And then after having my boundaries ignored too many times despite having calmly explained how and why it's a problem [shaking inside or not]... I leave. I leave and everyone gets upset like this is unexpected behaviour, even though I told them 50 times that is how I would respond if they kept doing *the thing.*

And for neurotypical people especially, they are expecting there to be a disconnect between what someone says they need or feel and what their actually boundaries and feelings are, and they expect the latter to be demonstrated with emotions. Telling them bluntly you do not function that way somehow never helps?

My mother isn't just looking for normal yelling or a few tears to know I am serious, whether or not I do those either [I don't], she's looking for an explosion to know there's a problem at all.

Fucked if I know how she proceeds through life this way in general or if this is just her expectation of her own kids???

And I couldn't get why my mother couldn't read my emotions and didn't seem to think I have any. It's because she's testing for the rage limit to see where my 'actual' limit is instead of taking my word for it. Never the fuck mind that she could simply *not* test at my boundaries instead of letting me have them. Separate issue.

I couldn't figure out what made her *like this*

She's expecting me to throw a giant meltdown violent tantrum at people when I have 'actually' had enough. Maybe she got away with those being like 5'4" in another time, but I am the size of the average man, I do not get to have giant screaming rages, whether or not people perceive me consciously as a woman, and least of all because a lot of people -at least unconsciously- read me as 'masculine' or at least always "they guy" of the situation compared to all other women and some men [bigger stronger and more rational, more able to just absorb the damage and let it go so the less rational screaming/crying one doesn't have to be dealt with]. Even if it was in me to be willing to terrify people [usually never], there are such limited instances where it wouldn't just blow back on me. Potentially very dangerously.

I am going to be the quiet calm one. You are going to have to let me use my words, bitch.

So she kept ignoring my boundaries until I had to cut her out of my life, and she probably doesn't understand and probably thinks it feels sudden -after 36 long years of bullshit- abrupt and unfair.

But I told her hundreds of times.

I probably should have just screamed at her.

[panic-flavored]

Your mer stobotnik au was in my dreams last night! I don’t remember it a ton but they discovered a comfortable way for both of them to cuddle more often and Robotnik was being sappy it was adorable! I just thought it would be fun to share with you that your AU’s live in my head rent free <3 lolol

They get to cuddle/sleep together a lot actually! Robotnik does sleep in the lab, usually just falling asleep wherever he's working, and since he's usually working with Stone, it's not strange for him to pass out partially submerged in water. (He's always wearing his wetsuit under his clothes, so it's pretty comfortable.) Stone is aggressively cuddly, so Robotnik usually doesn't have much say in the matter. He secretly likes it.

They usually wind up in some weird position with Robotnik being crushed. The downsides of having a merman bf ƪ(ツ)∫

[sepiasys]

That fucked up feeling of waking up, having the most clarity on who you are AND HAVING GENDER EUPHORIA FROM SOMETHING THAT YOU COULD DESCRIBE AND HAVING THE CLEAREST DEFINITION OF IT,

and then forgetting all of that because someone else got triggered to front.

[cult-of-dollbabies]

alright listen. separate au that's canon compliant where everythings the same except for Andy being turned into a werewolf somewhere

I have certainly reached a point.

[kirby-the-gorb]

[airenyah]

even dunk tried to cheek kiss first 😅 thinks fans heads would explode if gmmtv introduced the concept of primary secondary and play partners

yeah i mean who wouldn't want to kiss first on the cheek lbr

and yeah, i agree. it's not that i mind the same constellation of actors doing multiple series together. but if only THEY do series together?? that's kinda annoying in the long run. bc like, they're actors and as actors i wanna see them do actor things and part of that is watching how their acting is influenced by all the different colleagues they work with (whether these colleagues are male or female or any other gender)

and i really don't understand why we can't have the best of both worlds, like. it would be SO easy: have them do a series with their main cp partner every other year and then in the years in between they get to branch out and kiss other men

sometimes i cry myself to sleep at night thinking about all of the potential dynamics we're missing out on because of this. dynamics that could be so delicious to watch

but alas....

(certain fans would NOT survive my proposed universe sigh)

[itsamenickname]

Cute Bowuigi headcanon idea where Luigi is a heavy sleeper but Bowser, despite what everyone believes, is actually a super light sleeper.

[robylovi]

Thinking abt that catradora ‘While You Were Sleeping’ AU fic I read that was so good it got me to watch the movie only for it to feel exactly like when you watch a movie based off a book you read and feel incredibly disappointed even though the fic clearly didn’t come first ??

[orisretr0]

You mentioned that Roots doesn’t sleep because of nightmares, what are the nightmares about?

Oh, the usual—images of his own bones melting in his clothes, of choking on flowers until he vomits, of killing everyone in the underground, his brothers dust clogging his nose, of feeling so hungry you can’t even taste the human flesh in your jaws, of his soul wrenching and morphing into something not monster or human, etc.

he peeks into the multiverse, remember? he sees everything.

[robinsnest2111]

sorry for disappearing. I promised I wouldn't do that again but it's always the thing I fall back on in desperate times. idk how to stop doing that

I'm just so tired and in pain, I wanna lay down and cry and never get back up again