#I mean I guess how they treat their volunteers is important but like

[i-am-not-an-eye]

Trying to find a good charity to donate to with the raising temperatures and everything and a good 90% of reviews for the charities so far have been by volunteers and not those served

[jymwahuwu]

mm and what happens if the eggs of the yandere dragon dan heng hatch how would he react, would he be happy or would he want more?

CW: hsr leaks, yandere, spawning, edging, forced breeding

🤔 In my current guess… For Dragon Dan Heng, gentleness, compassion, responsibility, arrogance, and disdain are the core of his personality. At first, for him, the dragon egg was just a responsibility, just like this ceremony. However, if Dan Heng doesn't feel close to you, he won't ask you. He trusts you as a "volunteer" to protect the dragon eggs from being born smoothly.

During the hours of waiting, you are sobbing, struggling and bouncing, the inside is gradually heating, expanding and stretching the inner wall (smooth. eggshell. shaking.) Dan Heng can't stay with you all the time, but he checks on you every half hour to make sure you are being taken care of.

Dan Heng isn't happy with your little twitches and squirts. These moves could cause the dragon eggs to be born prematurely after all. So, decided to edging. You don't get any orgasms until after the dragon egg is born.

After the dragon egg was born, Dan Heng observed the dragon egg and you for a while, and some special feelings arose in his heart. He carefully places the egg in your hand, and bids you protect it and ensure that it hatches. Biting your lip, with the warm dragon's egg in your arms, you asked-

"Will Ceremony really go on…? Can I… quit…? I don't want to conceive eggs…"

He squinted. "What do you mean? Are you treating the ceremony as a toy?"

"I- I didn't!!"

"Then take good care of the dragon eggs. Continue the ceremony tonight. You are important and precious to Vidyadhara." Actually only two dragon eggs are needed for this ceremony. However, Luofu's High Elder changed his mind. "You will stay here, forever, so be prepared to take care of the dragon cubs."

[fountainpenguin]

Been bingeing T.U.F.F. Puppy and Bunsen Is a Beast while I've been sick. Here's a liveblog of highlights I enjoyed:

Every line of dialogue in these shows is fantastic...

- "You don't need to breathe- You just need to obey my every command." - "In the interest of our friendship, which is way more important to me than anything in the world... I'm taking the speedboat. Think about it- You don't want the hassle of owning a speedboat!" - "I've been nice this year. And by 'Nice,' I mean I've kept my more sinister acts on the downlow through deception, deceit, and occasionally framing others." - "This is the greatest moment of my brief life!" - "Anywho, Santa... You're looking buff! Have you been hitting the gym~?" / "Are we seriously doing this?" - "To protect my standing on the nice list, can you please refer to me as Marsha during this particular evil mission?" - "You guys have to save Christmas! ... I would, but I'm in a box and I'm 5." - "You don't need to know the laws when you're a criminal. Or a baby! Just a little fun fact I thought I'd throw out there." - "I know you are lying to me... Your status says I'm lying to The Chameleon." - "You voluntarily touched me in an affectionate way!" - "I love our new crib! It was an impulse buy. (Gasp)- We should steal a baby to put in it!" - "If I'm so dumb, how come I've been getting away with slowly poisoning you?" - "You're going down for armed robbery!" / "They're not armed." / "Are you kidding me? Have you seen this man's guns?" - "Let me leave! I'm not even helpful!" / "I'm never helpful and I'm still here." - Okay... Such good animatic redraw material.

- So many silly characters, many of whom look like cinnamon rolls but would actually kill you. I love them. I should finish my 'fic WIPs. Dudley's later flanderization-characterization still makes me sad... He cared so much about working in Season 1 that he couldn't settle down on vacation. He'd explore, he'd volunteer for things, he obsessed about paperwork... That's who he is... He was good at his job. I miss him.

- Who do you think has the higher kill count: Chameleon eating [confirmed sentient] bugs his whole life, or Keswick wiping out his home dimension? ... I guess it would HAVE to be Keswick because he would've killed the bugs too, huh?

- I really love the worldbuilding vibe of "You're allowed to kill other creatures, but if the ambulance is called, everyone is treated equally." Yeah, we sell flea collars and body spray. Yes, the Chief got incredibly sick when Dudley wore a flea collar into work; that is a thing that happened.

- Making one of the main characters a flea was pretty fantastic in itself, let's be honest. How many anthro shows have a bug main character (unless the show is all about bugs), and how many of them have a special mobility aid thing that magnifies their appearance, keeps them off the floor, gives them extra strength, etc... It's great.

- I love the Chief's monitor cart:

Why does it sit in chairs? How can he use the hands? Outrageous.

- It's heavily implied that even the creatures that look and act feral are actually sentient, which just makes Kitty bringing the Chief dead mice as a form of affection so much darker...

[cnt'd]

- How on earth did The Chameleon get invited to career day to speak to little kids about being a super villain? Whose idea was that?

- I love "Guard Dog"- It's probably my favorite episode. So many good quotes, such a goofy set-up, you get to travel outside Petropolis, it delves into some of the in-universe witness protection lore... It's great.

- I love Chameleon snuggling with Dudley because they're handcuffed together and he's cold-blooded. I like the end when Kitty is handcuffed to 5 people at once, but Dudley leaving her that way feels justified because she left him for the entire ride to Petsburg.

- I particularly enjoy Kitty only having 4 limbs, so Larry and Francesco are both chained to the same leg. I feel like they could very easily rip that off, especially with how often Francesco tries to eat stuff.

- I wanna talk about Chameleon's side hustle of going on dates with people who ask him to shapeshift into their dream person.

- Wannabee was forced out of the auditorium halfway through his evil scheme so the students could have play rehearsal.

- I will never be over Wannabee gushing over how cool he thinks it is that he can make honey and that he will outright tell you he makes it mouth to mouth. They could've given us bees passing the honey by hand, but no... No, we get to see them do it mouth to mouth and Wannabee brags about it. Hilarious.

- My adoration for Birdbrain is also growing. What do you mean he's lonely and cloning himself to save his species? What do you mean he can just walk into T.U.F.F. headquarters and shred their files for his nest material because he's endangered and they can't hurt him? That's hilarious.

- I think I said this years ago, but I really like how there's no romance between Birdbrain and Zippy. He hates her equally to all his other henchmen. Everyone he works with is useless, so he leaves them in the car with the window cracked instead of bringing them to heists. Man wants a partner and kids so bad, he puts up with the most annoying people you've ever seen... He hates them so much...

I can't stop thinking about the B-plot in "Pup In the Air" of Birdbrain trying to keep his deposit on the house he rented, but his henchmen just keep making terrible choices-

- Every time I think about how Owl's name is Terry, it just cracks me up. I don't think Birdbrain knows Owl and Bat have first names because the only two things they ever say are "Who?" and "Where?" so they can't communicate who they are as people.

- Also, shout-out to the commitment to Bat being blind. Unclear if he uses echolocation... He just kinda runs around. Why on earth does he have a gun?

Bonus screenshot to highlight Bat's gorgeous wing design:

- Why don't Owl and Birdbrain get feathered wings? DO they have feathered wings? I assume they don't, because Owl flies like this:

And we know Birdbrain can't fly, but his arms don't become wings either:

- Obsessed with Snaptrap having the power to erase minds and the only time he uses it is when wiping the minds of critics who were mean to his dancing clone.

- Some of these hero-villain relationships are so good... Dudley broke The Chameleon out of the holding cell so they can enter a two-person contest. Dudley pretends he's been poisoned and The Chameleon just goes along with it because it makes him look like a cool villain. Kitty gets dance lessons from Snaptrap... Dudley and Snaptrap were roommates... Snaptrap dated Dudley's mom... Dudley dated Birdbrain... They are so goofy.

- Speaking of Dudley dating Birdbrain, that episode cracks me up for many reasons, but one of them is definitely "Dudley getting in the way and being a pain even when he's trying to do his best job being sweet and helpful." "I'm blowing kisses~ And now they're hitting you~" /starts jabbing his fingers all over Birdbrain while Birdbrain's driving

- Can't stop thinking about how much I love Larry. Him and the evil crew he pulled by being a silly brother-in-law <3 I wish they would've delved into the Larry & Snaptrap are brothers-in-law thing in-show (It was only confirmed in outside trivia iirc), but... them.

He sit:

This would make a great "Draw the squad" meme, actually.

Oh, I just looked it up to see if I could find a source (because it was years ago that I read this fact and I suddenly worried it wasn't real). No direct source link, but here's what I found on the Wiki:

I've always assumed that means he's married to Pat since she's the only confirmed sister Snaptrap has-

But like, I think about this all the time... The Snaptraps are canonically a crime family, so did Larry know what he was getting into? Are they on good terms? They're not divorced. Is it a forbidden love? I still want a huge rivalry between the rats and the shrews... It would be so funny...

We know Snaptrap and Francesco share a bunk bed (or at minimum, a room with bunkbeds in it). I assume Larry goes home to see his wife, right? We know she's an actual successful criminal who thinks her brother is a failure, so, like... why does she let her husband hang out there where he's being tormented daily?

I watched the episode where Snaptrap gripes that Larry's face scares off girls, but like... that's so funny. Is it because he's married? Some of the other members of D.O.O.M. - like Ollie - are sad that girls don't talk to them, but Larry doesn't, like... ever discuss that. I wish he would've bragged about being married. I think it would drive Snaptrap up the wall. Maybe he does. I really wish we would've seen Larry at the Snaptrap family reunion. Larry, your wife...

I doodled Larry with his Murray hair because it's cute when he ties it back :)

- It will never not be funny that when Larry defected and founded his own league of villains, he broke the entire crimefighting system by refusing to call in advance to tell T.U.F.F. what he was about to steal. Overnight sensation. Everybody hates him for that.

- Once upon a time, I joked that Larry probably worked with his brother-in-law instead of his wife because Snaptrap's crimes are smaller, so Larry probably gets out of jail sooner and can spend more time with the kids, house, etc. Knowing what we know about what a meticulous planner he is when he takes over, I think that sounds about right. It's all one big, elaborate thing... That's very Larry.

- There are so many little moments of the Snaptrap-Larry hatred I enjoy, like how they play word games together and Larry just gets in his face about it. Larry rarely communicates directly with T.U.F.F. (barring the episode he's his own villain), but in "Girlfriend or Foe," he jumps on the call just to brag about how he's beating Snaptrap in the game and I think that's fantastic. Even back in "Share-a-Lair," they were playing word games.

- In the truth syrup episode, Snaptrap admits he doesn't actually hate Larry, but he's hard on him because he thinks Larry has the most potential to be evil... but Larry straight-up confirms that he's been putting black widows in Snaptrap's gym bag. It's so funny to me... Snaptrap is mean in predictable ways, but do not mess with Larry. He'll get you back.

- I like how they went on a gameshow where Snaptrap had to guess Larry's secret desire, and it was-

The reason they lost out on their free vacation to Maui was because Larry stuck a rattlesnake in Snaptrap's pants at the airport and they couldn't get on the plane. He just can't help himself... He hates him so much. I just love them. He sit...

Why does Larry just have access to rattlesnakes and cobras? What does he do in his spare time?

- I like when Snaptrap breaks out of the holding cell to get snacks and then he goes back. That's always great.

- I love how committed Mikey is to being president of the Beast welcoming community. He has ONE JOB and he's going to do it. He loves his gift baskets. What do you mean Muckledunk's biggest export is silent whistles and they sell 9 per year? What.

- Everything Mikey says is fascinating to me. Also, within the first ~60 seconds of knowing him as a character in Episode 1, you get so much... He's an extravert, he does his research, he knows his town history, he plans ahead, he gets excited when he doesn't mess up his prepared speech, he's savage for no reason... It's great. Flawless character introduction.

- Like... Just the entire dynamic of "Bunsen is the first Beast to come to human school - and he's a member of a species known for eating humans - and it's on Mikey to make him feel welcome, not just as a fellow student but as an authority figure" is really interesting to me. Most of Bunsen's friends throughout the series are Beasts, which makes sense- Bunsen's actually pretty shy. Like... you wouldn't guess it by looking at him and his role as comic relief, but he's definitely less social than Mikey.

This screenshot just tells you the whole series dynamic:

It's Mikey and Amanda at each other's throats and Bunsen anxious in the background. SO funny. I also watched "My Gym Partner's a Monkey" years ago (and a little bit of "Squirrel Boy"), and both those shows lean into the "human is the comedic straight man and the non-human is the wild one" vibes.

But no... not Bunsen Is a Beast. It's Mikey who's the energetic, off-the-wall wild card. Bunsen just lives here. He's straight-up just a nerd who got sent to human school. Love that for him. Mikey's driving this car, but Bunsen keeps him from plowing into buildings and lakes.

Literally your best defense against Mikey is that when he gets too excited, he faints. This happens in multiple episodes.

Bunsen has such incredible "Perfectionist, told he's mature for his age" vibes... In Episode 1 when he almost eats Mikey, he whimpers, "Sorry, Mikey... I failed to co-mingle..." Everything in Bunsen's plot line comes back to "If you screw up, we can kick your whole species underground again." That's so much for a little guy. Ugh. My heart. I think he'd get along fantastically with Hazel. Mikey would be a lot for her.

- Every time Mikey and Bunsen try to say something in sync, but fail to do so, it's funny to me...

Your honor, this is a show about friends and kindness...

- I totally forgot the person Amanda invited to school for the "someone you wouldn't normally hang out with" event was someone with a restraining order against her. That's objectively hilarious.

- Cracking up at Mikey asking Amanda for break-up advice. Also, Bunsen warned him that if he tried to have a break-up talk with Willa, she might just eat him, and Mikey did it anyway. There is one thing this boy will not compromise on and it is "I am not comfortable with this. Stop coming onto me." Love that for him.

- I forgot Mikey got invited to a dance by Bunsen's cousin and he was so terrified he stopped breathing.

- "Extremely horny rich girl" & "Guy who will lure her in with promises of kisses and then dodge at the last second so something horrible happens to her" is such a funny combo. Mikey-Amanda rivalry, you will always be famous to me... You cannot get Mikey to accept her flirtations... He would sooner chew his arm off, I think.

- I can't believe Mikey threw Amanda off Santa's sleigh. Flying above the city. Really high. On purpose. Of course he would.

- I always forget Bunsen's house was just, like... built in the middle of the decorative roundabout piece.

- Mikey sending his own clone to run his conspiracy club is still one of the funniest plot set-ups I've ever seen. I didn't see it coming because Mikey was bringing in clones for every club he's in, but... yep. I can see how this went wrong. Mikey is such a terrible dad to his clones; it's so funny. He just dunks on them every time he sees them.

- I like how Nerd Mikey is equally as unhinged as regular Mikey. Logically he would be - He's a clone - but what is going on inside his head... Sir, you can't just leave school property to go back in time...

- What do you mean Mikey is in the "Amanda Stares at Mikey and Makes Tiger Growl Sounds" club. I mean, by default he kind of has to be there, but that's so funny...

- Totally forgot Mikey wants to write a song called "Hey Mom- Get Out of My Room." His hatred for his clingy parents plagues him constantly.

- Amanda- "I'm going to watch Munroe change his shirt. Raowr." / Mikey, screaming- "I will DIE in this shirt!"

- It is SO funny that even if you ask him directly, Bunsen will avoid questions about whether he eats people, but his first instinct to smelling Mikey covered in barbecue sauce is to tell him he smells delicious, and his first response to his BFF Wolfie suggesting they eat Mikey on a plate of noodles is "That does sound good." Hey. what.

And Wolfie knows Bunsen's hesitant about it, because he blatantly calls Mikey delicious, removes Bunsen's eyes, and tries to eat Mikey while Bunsen's looking for his eyeballs. Later he actually does get him in his mouth. And Amanda. omfg Wolfie...

We literally get to see a health class short film that's like "Let's talk about people-eating urges and feelings of guilt that come with it!" omg. Bunsen, why is that in your house? Why was that already on your person? Do you wanna talk about it?

I wonder if BiaB would've done better if it had been played with Invader Zim vibes. These shows have similar energy, but Zim has the colors and music to match its dark vibe. BiaB also gets pretty dark, but the colors and music make it so peppy and cheery... I think that's silly. You can tell it's got FOP energy (Sweet on top, horrifying underneath).

- Bunsen has so much anxiety about following rules even when they're in direct conflict to his happiness... He is doing his best...

- Forgot Bunsen is personally offended to learn that humans don't give Santa gifts, because Beasts give gifts to their present-giver. He just has such a strong sense of personal justice and loyalty...

- I cannot get over Bob slowly fading from the timeline, but continuing to report the news anyway. He's flickering, gradually losing his legs, but he acts like nothing's wrong.

They brought him a stool because his legs got disintegrated... They throw things through his head..

- I can't believe Amanda almost put a kitten in a woodchipper.

- Mikey's parents are so overprotective, distant, and weird about him, they canonically have not given him The Talk about where babies come from. He doesn't know his middle name.

- I LOVE how Mikey's relationship with his parents is just, like... him screaming that he wants them to back off and let him grow up. They just spy on him with a drone. "Stalked by his parents" is such a silly thing to do with your main character.

- They leave him at home to fend for himself, but still micromanage what he's allowed to do (Ex: He can own a llama and a scary praying mantis, but not a dog). Heavily implied they avoid their son because germs. There is no doubt in my mind they will continue spying on him when he's an adult. That's rough, buddy.

- Is Mikey a kleptomaniac? He just steals things... Amanda's dog. A shopping cart. He took some guy's lamp for no reason. He just took it on his way out.

- It's not like "Mikey is a massive guilt-tripper" was new to me, but it's still SO funny to watch him blatantly take advantage of Cosmo and Wanda even after Timmy repeatedly asked him to stop wishing. Timmy gave him an inch and he fought for a mile.

- Perfect depiction of the Mikey-Timmy relationship:

Mikey, please stop running Cosmo and Wanda ragged- / I totally hear you. No <3

- Mikey is older, but Timmy is unquestionably the more sensible and responsible one of this duo. Which is horrifying.

iirc, the "Beast of Friends" crossover took place when Season 10 was airing, though it's probably pre-Chloe since she wasn't there. Consider: Timmy resisted Chloe as a godsister because Mikey had already turned him off to the idea of sharing fairies.

- I totally forgot Mikey got sent to the future once. I can use this...

- Timmy calls Mikey "kid who's older than me" because Mikey didn't like him just saying "kid"

- Mikey adored the crossover. I think Timmy's glad he didn't have to hang out with Mikey any longer than he did. Just in August, I scrapped my "Best. Day. Ever." prompt for the 130 which was about Mikey running Timmy ragged, but... I kinda want to bring it back. Mikey is exhausting. He will break you down.

- I like how Mikey was excited by everything Timmy showed him, but Timmy was uneasy about Bunsen's house; it's Timmy who took charge of trying to explain things as realistic to his confused dad. Mikey literally did not care if people were put off.

- I still think it would be funny if Mikey and Dev switched drones for a day. Also, you'll see this in my Dale character profile on the sideblog, but my headcanon is that Mikey grew up and went into security with a pinch of robotics on the side (taking after his parents), so he just, like... bothers Dale. They met as kids when Mikey tagged along on an installation trip for the Dimmadomes, playing into my long-time headcanon that all the rich people in Dimmsdale have wild security systems because of Mikey's parents. Dale does not like him. Mikey's been mailing Dale Waffle House coupons for 20 years. There are no Waffle Houses in California.

- Mikey would snap Peri like a toothpick. He's just a lot and I cannot imagine a world where Peri has the patience for him.

Anyway, thanks for reading my liveblog. Silly, silly...

[dotthings]

The performative outrage farming style of leftism in this site has gotten so ridiculous there’s literally accounts who spread misinformation against the Democratic candidates that tries to make people feel miserable about voting for them, because people want to feel virtuous, I guess, at the same time they turn around and tell you to vote and voting is so important!!!!

Are these real people? Are they agitprops? Who even knows anymore. The actual election interference diatribes have been going on for months, and the nihilistic grind has predictably now turned towards Harris-Walz.

And the lying about the progressive policies at the top has to end. Too bad if it’s inconvenient for your sense of absolutist morality. Distorted narratives won’t help anybody. “Both sides equally bad” “both sides are the same” is an appalling and blatant lie and every time I see it I wonder if someone is actually an agitpropping election interference bot.

It’s not “progressive” to keep drinking the nihilistic chaos agent kool aid. Some really just want the US to burn and don’t care about the global harm of that or how many people in marginalized groups in the US would get hurt.

Speaking out is important and criticizing politicians is important. Contact your reps, protest, donate. But it’s more complex than that.

There is a whole wide gap between alert, active, critical & supportive engagement with democracy vs nihilism & performative wokeness that isn’t actually saving people and in fact enables mindsets that could result in the side winning this US election that will not only make things worse globally and in the US but unleash a full on dystopia where civil liberties in the US are gone and people will die from it. I’m sick and tired of this faux moralistic superiority that encourages throwing open the gates to even more death and suffering. Oh yeah that’ll teach everyone a lesson!!! Society is saved!!!

If you want to live in a better society, you don’t just shoot your mouth off on social media. You don’t only engage in outrage farming. You do the work.

You engage not just to performatively and nihilistically scream and yell about how all the establishment US politicians suck, you also engage positively to support the ones in power you think are doing better, and you plan for the future. Want things to move in a more progressive direction at the top? Support progressives downticket because that’s the pool for the future top powers.

You don’t abandon “red states” thinking you’re too woke to touch them. While you’re treating those like an unfixable cesspool, there are real people living there whose lives would be improved by progressive downticket candidates winning races. There are multiple ways to enagage and help: donate to a campaign, volunteer to write postcards or phonebank, do word-of-mouth, online and off.

Also, yes please vote!!! Not just at the top. Local politics improve and save lives too.

I’m tired of hearing how allegedly mean it is just to point this stuff out. That it’s somehow ~bullying people to urge them to vote and be engaged instead of giving in to impractical nihilism. (As if the misleading nihilistic dialogues are so great???)

For context, I’m a fandom blog. I don’t talk about politics much on here and I need that kind of space. I volunteer with several grass roots orgs and devote hours every week to educating myself about what tf is going on in the world and the US and I contact my reps with my opinions regularly and do GOTV efforts and support candidates. There is a link between the harmful dialogues I’ve referenced and the demands that “if you don’t reblog this or talk about this you’re morally bankrupt.” It’s toxic and misleading and discourages active engagement. Speaking out is part of the picture but non-stop outrage farming also dilutes the message.

[pommunist]

I don't wanna say this under my own name because I'm friends with too many Quackity fans, but god, everything about his actions just makes me think that what he cares about is just avoiding legal trouble and protecting his own public image

And maybe also about his friends to be fair

(I mean to his credit, I don't think he cares about money either)

He says he's doing all this for the viewers, but I guess that doesn't include the viewers who care about the French streamers or the French characters

And I don't see any hint of him genuinely caring about the workers. This is not how you treat someone you care about. He keeps implying that he can't talk to anyone because of "leaks" but what the fuck could be so bad about the "leaks" that it justifies this kind of disrespect? Why is this secrecy more important than the needs of the workers?

Nobody's asking him to reveal his biggest secrets to the workers, everyone is just asking for him to TALK to them at least, and hearing them out

He also says he can't talk because he doesn't want to make false promises, then just say that! Again, nobody asked him to promise them a job in the future, we just want him to be honest and respectful! Just tell them directly that you don't know yet and listen to their thoughts on the situation! Ask them how you can alleviate the inconvenience if it's within your means! Just talk to them like they're fellow adults who are capable of having a reasonable conversation! Because they are!

The union mentioned that some of the workers had basically been told by management that they should be grateful to be allowed to work for Quackity Studios and ngl, I wonder if this is not only the view of higher management but of Quackity himself too. That's the question I keep asking myself and not daring to say out loud: does he see the lower level workers as just fans who should be happy they were even allowed to participate at all?

- 🐧

First I never mind anonymous asks so no problem dont worry !

Second I tbh don’t want to assume what Q true intentions really are because heavy speculation isn’t productive and can lead to more stress in general. However I think that we can agree that he isn’t doing it all for the money, given that we’ve always known QSMP was never and problably even supposed to be a profitable thing (just the hosting and translation costs alone point to this).

That said, I do agree that everything that has been done up to this point and since Lea started to reveal things seems to be more damage control and trying to avoid legal issues than actually trying to be fair to the workers. This isn’t even speculation if you consider the sudden firing of Twitter admins and the silent towards all the other admins.

Obviously, when you’re a company or an individual you wanna avoid a lawsuit at all cost. It is a logical business move, morally I don’t agree with that mindset ofc, and I also feel like it’s a misunderstanding of the intentions of most of the admins.

I don’t know any of them personally but none of them, so far, have publicly said they wanted to take the legal route or even sue Qstudios. In fact, most if not all of them have expressed their love of the project and wished for it to continue with better working conditions. Some admins also said they didn’t care about getting paid, that volunteer work was fine if they had done it without the stress and pressure. Side note if it ever comes out that some admins want to take the legal route to make their rights be recognised and be compensated then my full support to them.

As if he is doing all this for preserving his image (i say IF) then what a terrible job he’s doing. I hope I’m making very clear that QSMP and Q’s image with french speakers fans (and non fans, and other French Ccs) is in literal ruins.

Also I feel like there was a genuine wish to add different cultures, I’m talking specifically about the French and BRs here, but an underestimating of the work it takes to actually merge people from different backgrounds and that it goes beyond just putting CCs from all over the world on minecraft with a translator. The fact that there was no FR, PT or KR speaking upper admin at all in the team baffles me to this day.

Worst thing is that we probably only know like a fraction of the overwork, miscommunication and intimidation that went on behind the scenes. Heart aches for all of those who went through it. All the love to them ♥️

[mickmundy]

spy headcanon thread! just some of my personal thoughts and musings about his character :-) enjoy!

starting off by saying that spy is Absolutely Everything to me.. i've put his thread off for so long because i have SO much to say and im afraid i'll leave stuff out BUT we're going to take a Stab at it (😏) and i guess i'll just add more stuff later if i need! As Usual this is just pasted from my twitter so i'm sorry for any wonky formatting issues!

the most important thing to me about spy's character is that it is Varied and can be Contradictory. i say this about all of the mercs tbh but spy is among the Most important given his role/occupation as a spy. he IS A Spy, but he's also Just Some Guy (gender neutral).

spy is a bit dry; very sarcastic, a bit stoic, but he's definitely not heartless. i think he's very "emotionally in-tune" to those around him and prides himself on being able to read a room exceptionally well!

... but just because he knows what people might be thinking doesn't mean he's going to do anything about it! he likes being in the know but seldom ever enjoys interfering; it's best if he keeps out of the fray, or so he tells himself!

that being said, i Do think spy makes exceptions to this rule (which To Me is what makes his character Interesting!).... as we see in expiration date! he spends his "last living days" helping scout become a worthy date for miss pauling!

if he sees someone Floundering or really stuck in some kind of emotional squander, he'll pass by with a hand on the shoulder and a concise, discreet, kind word of advice in their ear and move on. no need for thanks, he's just Sharing an Observation! if you try to thank him, he'll give you a coy look and be like "for what?" but he knows. he's just letting you know you don't need to thank him <3

loves breaking balls. he'll help you if you ask him, but not before he gives you a LOT of shit for it. he'll volunteer himself to help you (even if you tell him you need his Stinking Help!) and he'll roll his eyes and say "ha! you are So helpless! i know you're glad i'm here to see this through with you uUu" LOL

but he will give you genuine insight and Surprisingly Good advice. huh, you didn't know he knew you so well! despite his job as a spy, he'll tell you to be authentic and will encourage you to listen to your instincts.

is an Observer First and an Action-taker second. prioritizes being in the know and likes being in the background (despite how good he is at being in the spotlight!). always thinks before he speaks, very calculated in everything he does!

got wiser with age. when he was younger i think he was quick to save his own skin and thought only about himself. among his first "selfless" acts were running out on scout and his mom to "protect" them, but with the wisdom of hindsight, that wasn't the smartest idea!

firmly believes in the power of respect. seems to have a positive relationship with all of his teammates (yes, even sniper, engineer and pyro lol) and scout's mom, too (regardless of how u see their relationship). tells scout that he has to earn pauling's respect to be worthy of her!

won't hesitate to stick his neck out for/work with people he appreciates. in the comics, he works with (and even prioritizes the safety of) miss pauling, helps sniper, and obviously comforts scout when he's dying in the way that Scout would want to be comforted. good job pops!

which brings me to dadspy... how i love you... i could make an entire other thread about my dadspy thoughts BUT i'll keep it "brief" here. i don't think he ever "treated scout like shit" nor do i think he was abusive to scout's mom or scout. he's just the world's most mediocre absent father to me... KDSKF

i think scout's mom knew What Spy Was and knew that at some point, he'd have to leave her. i think she's a perfectly capable woman who spy is genuinely still in love with (they have an open, long-distance relationship!) and is quite the deadly catch herself! perhaps i'll make a thread on her if that's something people would want....

i don't think she resents spy for running out and i think spy has complicated feelings about running out. he's convinced himself he did it for everyone involved's safety but in hindsight he Does feel a Bit (emphasis on Bit. it's not Earth Shatteringly Dramatic, just a little demon that sneaks up on him now and then...) guilty and tries to "make up for it" by Trying to get along with scout even if it's... not easy LOL. him turning into tom jones when scout died was to comfort scout the way Scout would want, which i think says a lot about spy's character.

however, once scout finds out the truth, i think he tells spy that he shouldn't have lied to him about it ("what kind of dumbass lies to their son on his deathbed! 🧍") and spy's like "ah... i suppose that... was also a mistake." and they smirk/smile at each other.. Road To Forgiveness begins..

also i personally love the running gag that everyone knows that spy is scout's dad (except for scout), not because i think spy would tell all/even some of the mercs but because it's SO obvious that all of them are like "i mean yeah.. doy". extra points if their knowledge Also surprises spy. "WHO TOLD YOU? HOW DID YOU KNOW?!" and the mercs are like ??? "erm... we have eyes...?" LOL

DESPITE being Stoic and Unknowable and Mysterious, he is also Quite the Doofus. one of my favorite and most important thoughts on his character. i think his authentic laugh is his snort laugh and i think that's what made scout's mom fall in love with him... :') has a great sense of humor.

loves playing pranks, causing mischief and being a Smug Cunt. will hide behind his Carefully Crafted Facade, but those who really know him (heavy, scout's mom) can see right through it! teaches scout some of his "best ones" (though not before pranking HIM with them first! it's okay though. scout's a good sport and gives him props LMAO)

a short list of spy's "best ones":

cleaning a glass door REALLY well and tricking the mercs to run into it at full force

oil on the kitchen floor so that anyone who comes running in will slam into the oven that engineer Just Fixed God Dammit! and destroy it

mentos in soda

scout and spy have the "same laugh" when they REALLY start howling. snorting, wheezing.... they sound almost identical. usually if they're laughing THAT hard, the rest of the mercs are looking at them like this >__> (covered in soda, can't get up from the ground because oil, etc)

obviously enjoys literature! language is one of his favorite things, though. loves learning about different dialects, slang, accents and learning the intricacies of grammar, too! likes studying the other mercs for this reason. the base is a fun, mixed bag for him!

the best secret keeper. contrary to popular belief, spy will NOT air your business if it's Serious. he might "let it slip" to medic that sniper sleeps with a stuffed animal, but he won't let anyone know that heavy has ptsd. he likes giving people shit, but not genuinely causing harm!

ah.. breaking balls as a love language.. this is something that i think is shared between spy, scout, and scout's mom. they LOOOOVE to give you shit, but it comes from a loving place. i think a lot of scout and spy's banter in exp date is like this:

it's not actually Insulting to either of them (spy calling scout a failure, scout telling spy to go to hell, etc) and is in fact more like a thing of Endearment. if you know people like this then you know what i'm talking about. idk how else to describe it KSDFKS

he is very girlfailure that thinks he's a girlboss but is actually a girlfailure and is coming to terms with his girlfailing. as i've said, spy isn't heartless. he knows he's made mistakes and knows his job has costed him a lot and now he's trying to reconcile with it. sometimes it's funny, sometimes its angsty!

is a total foodie and has a LOT of opinions about all kinds of cuisine! loves cooking with engineer and pyro (YES i think pyro is an INCREDIBLE chef. they only burn things because it's fun/funny! for the bit. you understand), and heavy has a perfect palette (just a personal hc of mine heh) so he always gets to tag along and taste test! <3

if spy is involved with any of the other mercs, scout's mom knows about it. they're in an open relationship and spy values her just like he'd value any of the mercs in a romantic relationship. she knows all of them and they're all very polite to her (ala like they are with miss pauling), but she quickly surprises them by being snarky and playful like spy and scout! she also doesn't hesitate to begin telling the mercs the most Humiliating Dirt on spy AND scout! HEHEHE

i don't think he'd cheat on her nor do i think he'd bother cheating on any of his partners. he's very open with communication when it comes to his interpersonal relationships (this is ironic to everyone but him because his relationship with his son is currently in shambles). he's good at it when it comes to romantic relationships though!

his love languages are, well, any and all of them! he loves being in love, he's a huge romantic and is not shy about showing it. will absolutely DROWN his partner in gifts and pretty words (that he really does mean!) and so on... perhaps to the point of it being a little overwhelming! at his partner's request, he'll dial it back... but he still loves to spoil his lovers, and THAT is something he WON'T apologize for! >:)

as i touched on earlier, has a good rapport with all of the mercs and pauling. he's patient with soldier and the other mercs hear him out about the bucket list idea (and are all Quietly Amused by how scout promptly ruins that for him. team dynamic ykwim). i think he's the closest with heavy (i'm a spoovy enjoyer), engineer, pyro, and sniper (BUT in kind of a "unique" way. perhaps i'll elaborate) but he enjoys the company of all of the other mercs as well!

is Informed about engineer's, demoman's and medic's research (though not on the levels they are of course) and likes being in the know about things going on around the base. he mostly shares enemy intelligence with these three over anyone else. they talk frequently and Love to gossip (engineer SWEARS its not gossiping but demo and medic are like "no. its gossip!" SKDFKSDF)!

will absolutely always enable you to treat yourself. scout, spy, medic and demo are the KINGS of "go on!! treat yourself!! :D" no matter what it is. if spy sees you really struggling about whether to get something, he'll slip it in with his own purchases and gift it to you later. "this one is from me, so you don't need to worry about compromise. <3"

in battle, he's a bit more sadistic than his teammates; likes making people squirm and is more than capable of getting under your skin. information extraction is part of his job and he treats it as such: Part Of The Job. he doesn't get a LOT of pleasure from hurting others, but he Does enjoy starring in a good revenge tale!

no, i do NOT think the world's most absent father cares about his 30 year old son's sex life nor do i think he's even "fiercely overprotective" of scout just in general. i think he knows scout is a grown man who has to make (and account for) any failures and fumbles he makes in his life. he'll be there with a kind word (and a few snarky ones!) when shit hits the fan, but he's not running around fighting scout's battles for him. scout loves battling too much to let him anyway! LOL

he teaches him things that Spy Himself values (like respect) because he... values it and since spy IS trying to be a bit more of a Dad to scout, it's also a reflection on him (to spy. scout doesn't care or think of it that way). insists on the value of self improvement! (something he himself didn't learn until he was Much Older... but scout doesn't need to know that!)

[jack-kellys]

west end question: i obviously love my brooklyn girls and would die for them all, but is it bad that it’s taken away the sprace dynamic for me? like i’m still 100% on board with a nowhere near canon ship and it shouldn’t affect me they’ve decided to have spot be a girl, but it lowkey has? and i feel kinda guilty about it? idk i love my proshot boys. but i am 100% here for all the uk newsies cast they are amazing and so talented and it’s definitely my favourite production by far!! idk if i’m making sense

ok part of me feels a litle baited actually because like. i feel like... im vocal abt mlm musical sprace not being a big vibe for me in the first place. so im a funny person to ask if you were looking for relief lmao. anyway here's my thesis below.

wait also if ur a white newsie fan a read-thru+rb of this would be much appreciated thank youuu (also yall have been eating up my character analyses anyway sooooo!)

TL;DR THESIS: if you're feeling genuinely let down that your ship did not see the light of day and a black girlsie spot conlon got to instead, then yes, you should reevaluate that.

followers, if you've been with me long enough, you know that i have quite strong opinions about how this show gets treated when it comes to interpretations and fandom/fanon. mostly, this is because i literally work in theater, and it's extremely backwards in my brain personally when shows get treated more like a movie or tv show than a performance piece.

im also one of the only ppl in this fandom that ever seems to dare speak on race (not the damn character smh). and anon, buddy, kiddo, this does have to do with race, gender, and sexuality.

firstly, what i think needs to be understood about newsies, is that it is theater, which means it is meant to be mutable. there is no one way. there should never be one way. it does not exist. secondly, theater does not exist in a fandom vacuum. its live every night, conceptually. theater is a live performance art.

interpretations change- it's the nature of theater. so i think asks like these really do illuminate the difference between fans of the show's content or fans of... i guess the show's culture's content.

this is a culture content ask.

one thing i really, truly, deeply need you all to understand: from an objective, script- and staging-based perspective, proshot sprace does not exist. they do not speak. they barely see each other. race does not even volunteer to go to brooklyn. the ship originates from the 1992 movie, where they do actually interact, which is why the ship has prevailed through the 90s to today. they're from the movie, not the musical.

of course, this doesn't bash the ship- it has history, and naturally fans want to create new history when they get a new source material (the musical). it's true for like every newsie ship lowkey (but also not lowkey because all the manhattan newsies do interact and sprace literally does not but thats a different post!!), which is something i do admire about the fandom- we do a lot of our own legwork here, we invent relationships and backgrounds from one-liners that could be given to tbh any frickin newsie. i respect the 30 years we have invented ships.

however.

when a huge, publicized, consistently sold out production comes along with spot conlon as not only a woman, but a woman of color (specifically black rn!) as the leader of the most feared group on stage, there becomes something much more important than a "sprace dynamic", which does not canonically exist in the musical anyway bro. you can't miss something that isn't there imo. often the story and casting within a story comes first, and goddamn if this isn't one of those times. lillie-pearl's spot brings bravado, swagger, confidence, and intimidation that is literally....fine maybe i'm being personal but it is slash gen incredible to see in technically a period piece! a black woman in leadership with that kind of assuredness! in such a popular musical! how is that not– automatically surpassing an often obsessed-over (yes i am. hinting at something here, straight girl fans) mlm ship?

and while i'm on the topic of the over-obsessiveness of mlm musical sprace, let me talk about uksies sprace. because what's also wack abt this ask is that sprace is not a hopeless case in this production- it literally has about as much 'evidence' as the proshot imo!!!!!

i got to hop over to 2nd row brooklyn seating for act 2 so i saw once and for all really close up, right. there's a moment when race is upstage letting the newsies in/down from the stairs. spot comes down and she does, in fact, share a look with him. race gives spot a nod and she keeps moving.

and like im gonna see the show again (every day i am counting my mf blessings fr), so if i'm wrong or they don't do it every time i'll correct myself, but that's what i saw with my own dang eyes on saturday. they do acknowledge each other in uksies.

and since they do, i really like. i have to ask. what is bothersome/unpopular abt uksies sprace, other than oh idk.... its not white/white mlm with a twink/manly bf trope? why can't race still love who spot is as a character, this strong and fearless ruler of brooklyn, in uksies? because tbh josh's racer...nahhhh because. this is such a side note now but they'd be so good together oh jesus am i gonna ship uk sprace. and it's not like they're 'taking away' from a queer ship because a) you can headcanon spot as a queer girl and race being trans is consistently popular and b) newsies has ten billion gayass ships bro we've been eatin for literal decades.

anon, i'm sure you didn't mean harm by this ask. i'm sure, honestly, that a lot of fans are feeling the same way as you and weren't quite sure how to put it in words. but, i'm also not surprised you sent an ask like this on anonymous specifically.

should you feel guilty about it? i don't think guilt is the right word. but i believe you should think more about how newsies is not.....static. it does not exist in one form, and it never will. if you're feeling genuinely let down that your ship did not see the light of day and a black girlsie spot conlon got to instead, then yes, you should reevaluate that. in theater, you should always question why something impacted you the way it did- a major point of theater is to discuss and think about it when you leave! i know this because ive spent three years literally studying it, to back up my thesis credentials.

thank you for reading this, newsies fandom. i do honestly say all this with love, and i hope it made u think !! ♥️

[good-beanswrites]

Could I request "cooking is an art form" with mahiru and presumbly orekoto? I read your Night drabble of those 2 and now the idea of a potential friendship has been stuck in my mind for days, that was probably the sweetest interpretation of him I've seen! Mahiru can't cook in the current state she's in though so I guess orekoto could act as her hands...?

Ah thank you so much!! I was so worried about doing Orekoto justice, that's so exciting you enjoyed 😭 We still don't have a ton of characterization for him, so bear with me, but I absolutely loved writing this. Thank you so much for the request -- with food playing such an important role in Mahiru's story/symbolism, and the pair's unique relationship, this made me so crazy to think about !!!

The knife twirled through Mikoto’s hands. He brought it down with a grunt. Emotion pulsed through his veins. He went back for another swipe, much harder than necessary. He wiped spatter from his face.

“You’re making a mess.” Mahiru observed from behind. 

He glanced back to find her scowling at the tomato he was taking out his frustration on. “Who gives a shit? We’re not on cleanup duty.” 

He wasn’t supposed to be on cooking duty, either. It was Mahiru’s night according to their usual rotation, but she was in no shape to do any physical activity. Mikoto must have volunteered, and also gotten into some fight about it, because now there he stood: angry at an unknown source, full of adrenaline, and worst of all, in charge of tonight’s curry.

“I suppose…” Mahiru said. “I think that’s Muu tonight, I’ll apologize to her later.”

It was unsettling, how she remained positively cheery as she walked him through each step of the recipe, despite her current condition and his bad attitude. Not that he’d ever turn his anger on her. Mikoto approved of her, and that was enough for him. She’d been going through so much at the hands of their common enemy, he wouldn’t say a single thing against her. Even as she tested his temper with her cooking instructions.

“No, no!” With her good hand, she tugged on the side of his uniform. “You have to turn the carrot as you cut it. Like -- yes, like that!”

Mikoto rolled his eyes as he did what he was told. “It’s all going to get cooked together anyways, it’s not a big deal.”

“It is! You have to take your time with things like this.” She placed her hand over her heart. “It’s about the process, not just the final product. Cooking is an art form!”

“It’s about the final product to me. I’m fucking starving.” 

She was briefly distracted with the next set of instructions, telling him how to combine everything over how much heat. When she returned to the topic, her lighthearted voice was laced with a bit of desperation. “I mean it, there’s something magical about pouring your heart into something for someone else. Putting in your time. A little finesse here and there.”

“I know what it’s like to do something for someone else -- and there is absolutely no finesse involved. Or potatoes.” He gestured to the cut pieces before dumping everything into the pot over the stove.

“One of the most universal love languages is food, you know? People make meals and treats for their loved ones in every culture, in every time.” 

“They do a lot of other things, too.”

“You went to art school, you understand. This is an expression of yourself!”

“It’s a waste of time.”

“It’s the surest way to help someone!”

“That’s a load of bullshit.”

There was a pause. Then a nervous laugh. Then, “yeah.” As she dropped into more uncharacteristic silence, he stole a glance at her. 

Tears poured from her eyes. 

“Mahiru?” Fuck, he didn’t mean to make her cry.

“It is.” she hiccuped. “I thought… I thought it could save him. I made this big meal… I thought… But I was so stupid…”

She buried her face in her hands, offering weak apologies for the sudden outburst. He threw the lid over the pot before stepping back to her.

“Hey, hey. Come on. Don’t cry.” It was a command rather than a comfort. 

She didn’t listen. She just continued sobbing and blubbering on. “It was all stupid, worthless… I should have known…”

He crouched by the wheelchair. There didn’t even seem to be anything wrong, they’d just been talking about food. Why was she such a mess? He gave an impatient sigh. No reaction. What was Mikoto’s nickname for her again? “Listen, Mappi --”

She snapped her head up to look at him. 

Her teary eyes flicked all over his face, making him scowl. “What?”

“Oh.” Her shoulders relaxed, though her breath still hitched. “Sorry. You said… and well… I thought you’d gone away. I want you to stay.” She took his hand. “You.”

His eyes narrowed. “Why?”

“Because you understand me.” 

He did not. Like, at all. But he kept his mouth shut.

Thankfully, she was too talkative not to explain herself. “You love someone very much. That love turned out to be dangerous -- deadly. And you weren’t forgiven for it.” She pressed her lips together, suppressing the wave of emotion that almost overcame her. “And now we’re both getting what we deserve for it.”

“Like hell we are.” He felt the spark of rage again. “Neither of us deserve any of this shit, okay?”

“But --”

“No.” He glared at her. That familiar fire rose up inside him. “I’m tired of all your speeches and optimistic crap. You’re always falling over yourself for others. You’re pathetic. This place is hell, so you need to get your shit together and act like it. You might be willing to forgive the others, you might be able to treat them with that stupid sweetness all the time, but no one’s going to do the same for you. Stop letting them fuck with you.”

She gaped at him. He realized he’d leaned in very close. He prepared himself for more tears, or maybe some cowering away from him. Good. Mikoto didn’t need people like her who would convince him this verdict was deserved. He didn’t need any of these people. It was fine to push them all away.

Mahiru surprised him by leaning over. Her head rested on his chest. “It’s hard. It’s so hard, Mikoto. But… I’ll try.”

His attention was quickly ripped away by a hissing behind him. He yanked himself away from her to run to the curry, which was bubbling and burning and spilling out of the pan all over the stovetop. 

With an outpouring of profanities and clattering of dishes, he cleaned the sad remains of dinner off the burner. When he looked back at Mahiru, she had dabbed at her eyes and composed herself slightly. 

“It’s okay,” she said, “I’ll pick something easier you can make instead.”

“Nah, I’ll make more curry. Tell me how much of everything again.” 

“A-alright.” 

His agitation slowly faded as she began her gentle instructions again. Though he had just tore her apart for it, he was grateful for her patience with everyone around her. He probably could have left, then, seeing how calm the kitchen became. But he wasn’t risking ruining the meal a second time with an unexpected switch. 

And maybe Mahiru’s words still played through his mind.

The food was back on the stove in no time. He stood diligently next to it. They’d lapsed into a content silence. He still didn’t know what had set her off earlier, but wasn’t about to ask questions.

Mahiru had regained her usual bright smile. “Hey, when I get better, I’ll cook something for you, okay? I think you don’t appreciate cooking because no one’s made something special for you before. I want to do that.”

He sneered. “Heh, sure. And I’ll let you in on my preferred art form.” His words were layered with sarcasm. By now, she could guess that included destroying things by putting all of one’s might behind a powerful swing. 

But she giggled, completely unfazed. “Well, friendship is about give and take, right? I’d love to try.”

[nerdnag]

The time has come for me to finish my philosophy bachelor's.

...Lots of ramble below. I mostly just need to get my thoughts out, but there is a plan by the end!

For those of you who were around in May, you may recall that I struggled a lot to get a sort-of-presentable draft ready for my supervisor, hoping to be able to hand the thing in before the end of the semester, and was then completely slammed down into the dirt by said supervisor when he returned the draft a few days later with... pretty strong words about it. Few of which were positive. I couldn't bring myself to read the comments he'd left in the actual document at the time, because the email was enough to bring me to tears.

Yeah.

I mean, he wasn't wrong, it was just a bit shocking to have him go from "hey, how's it going for you, the thesis treating you well? oh and here's a link to a fun video i found on the internet" one day to almost-kinda-petty critique the next. And also, I am wholly unused to disappointing teachers, supervisors, mentors or superiors of any kind. That may sound strange considering my ADHD, which should in theory have gotten me in lots of situations like that, but my entire life, I've usually managed to make use of three things that have helped immensely to get things done well and on time: 1) special interests/obsessions/hyperfocus, 2) perfectionism and performance anxiety, and 3) high IQ. Number one has helped with motivation and creative flow; number 2 has helped motivate me through shame; and number 3 has helped me "bullshit" my way through assignments/relatively easily create a coherent and acceptable final product without doing all of the actual work I should have done (...and also making the actual work I do put in a pretty good quality).

But for some reason, these tactics didn't quite work out this time. I could come up with many different ideas about why this was, but one really important part of it was probably the fact that I've been heavily overloaded with work at my job and still haven't fully recovered from the immense stress I was under from March 2022-June 2023. I might not be able to recover from that period of my life without doing some pretty extreme changes in how I live my life, and although I've been working on trying to make some of those changes over the course of the first half of this year, it hasn't been impactful enough yet.

And so in the middle of this, of trying to recover from a backlog of both work and stress, while still being under quite a lot of stress at work (although not even remotely compared to how it was a year ago), I was also trying to write a bachelor's thesis in my spare time.

Oh, and did I mention I also took on a volunteer position in my spare time from April onwards that has demanded quite a lot of time?

(Jfc why do I do this to myself. ...Because it's fun and I am bad at saying no. That's why.)

Anyway, enough rambling about what's happened and the reasons for it - long story short, I realised I wouldn't be able to finish the thesis in time, and so I told my supervisor I'd hand it in by the end of the summer instead. And wouldn't you know it, the end of summer is closing in. :)

So with the help of my partner, I managed to finally open the document containing my supervisor's comments, and rather than lose myself in complete and utter anxiety and horror over the words, we could sort of laugh over how unnecessarily harsh he was being. (I guess my supervisor actually was a bit disappointed, since he'd seen before that I was more capable than that. I don't blame him.) I also realised that it wasn't quite as bad as I had imagined, and that my life isn't actually over and done for. So yeah. (He even had a couple of positive comments for me, actually.)

Then we made a plan for how to tackle this thing. I'm going away on the 22nd of July, so the goal right now is to have a finished draft to send to my supervisor on the 21st. Then he can read it, give comments, tell me whether he gives his approval or not, and after I've made any necessary adjustments, I can hand in an opposition version by the middle of August. Since I am currently on vacation, and I do need to actually try to wind down from work as well, I've settled on working on my thesis for 3 hours each day, starting tomorrow (the 13th), and my deadline each day is noon. If I realise after this Sunday that I need more time, I'll increase it to 4 hours every day.

It should work. I know what I need to do, and my supervisor's comments are clear. I enjoy writing and doing research and I will finish this in a way that I'm proud and happy about.

So there. That's my promise to myself. I'll climb out of this hole, fill it in with new dirt, and then start building the collapsed tower of blocks up again.

[pastelwitchling]

I just want to get right into it. Here are my thoughts (mostly rants) on Percy Jackson and the Olympians, episode 5.

Why is this turning into the Annabeth show?

They literally have Ares complimenting her after almost every single line. And don't even get me started on their interactions. Annabeth was the one who was constantly scolding Percy for talking to Ares with disrespect, now she's the one doing it? The titular character doesn't seem to get as many lines or screen time as Annabeth, that doesn't strike anyone as odd?

(Also, no hate to Annabeth here, this is all the fault of the writing.)

AND titular character aside, it makes no logical sense! She's the daughter of the Goddess of Wisdom, wisdom is her whole thing in the books -- how is it wise for her to speak the way she does to Ares? Book Annabeth always knew the rules, always tried to follow them as best as she could, that was why, when she was openly hostile to Hera, it showed a TRUE hatred and connection there. Annabeth doesn't talk back to the gods, so we know that her hatred for Hera has to really MEAN something. Well, that's out the window now. Why? So the show can have their little girl power message. Does it make any sense for her character or the story? No, but hey, if we don't have other characters constantly praising every word she says, then I guess that makes her weak.

Also, it makes no storytelling sense for Percy to then get all up and angry in Ares's face. He wasn't the one talking back to Ares in the diner (you know, like in the books), so this sudden anger really comes out of nowhere. It just drives me a little bit crazy because this was the biggest difference between Percy and Annabeth in the first place. Percy is all heart, he's guided by his feelings. Annabeth is all logic, she's guided by reason. They balance each other out and then end up learning more from each other. Now Annabeth is just Flawless Badass? Even Hermione acknowledged that there were more important things than books and cleverness, her particular set of skills -- it's not wrong or demeaning to have a female character acknowledge her own flaws.

It's Percy who sees the Fates, yet we have Annabeth this time? It seems like a minor detail, but Percy seeing the Fates and not knowing why he felt like something was wrong showed his connection to the Olympian world. Yes, he'd grown up like other humans, but there was a part of him that recognized parts of the Greek myth life that others didn't. That's what leads to my biggest problem:

Percy is not treated like a son of the big three, he's barely half the time treated like a demigod, he's treated instead like a random kid that happened to stumble into all of this. Except he's not. That's kind of the whole POINT. And I fully blame the script for this, but you can't give most of the screen time and dialogue to Annabeth, and then act like, "No no, this is Percy's story!" It sure as Tartarus doesn't feel that way.

Why is everything so dark? And I'm not just talking about the terrible lighting either (I can barely make out a thing half the time)! I'm talking about the fact that rarely anyone cracks a joke, and when they do, they do it in such a serious way. The colors are so muted, why? Hate the movies all you want, but they were colorful, they were vibrant, they were fun. The pacing was faster, the music was brighter.

Why is everything so serious? The brilliance of Percy Jackson was that it was able to introduce these dark themes in a bright environment, and it made the deaths and darkness even more frightening because we had fun, vibrant characters who were now suffering, so it means that much more to see them hurt or die.

And I thought they were trying to give the show a timeless feel? I didn't ask for that or anything because the books make a ton of dated references, but they volunteered the information that the show was going to feel timeless. Then within the first two episodes alone, we get a Minecraft dance or whatever that is, and an Olivia Rodrigo song?

I feel the need to mention all of this because no one else is. It's all, "SLAAAY ANNABETH" and "OH MY GODS PERCABETH" AND I DON'T CARE. This feels like the Harry Potter movies giving all of Ron's most vital lines to Hermione -- she doesn't need anyone else's lines, what she contributed was more than enough! Except, in this case, it's not the best friend she's taking lines from, IT'S THE MAIN CHARACTER.

I absolutely loved Ares, he was hilarious and a breath of fresh air, I loved every scene with him. I also absolutely loved that chair scene, I loved the shield sacrifice, I loved Annabeth's speech, but all that does is just remind you how great Annabeth is and what she can grow to be without the need to take from Percy. Because all that does in the end is ruin her character because it stops making any sense, and ruin Percy, which is a crime when you have this brilliant cast to carry the show, but you've got to let them be great. Leave your little moral high-horse messages behind, and focus on the freaking story.

I'm tired. I don't know if they're going to confess to Luke being the thief yet, the way it ended? Luke's reveal was kind of a big deal in the books, a pretty big moment. I don't see them spoiling it too soon, and I hope they don't. I liked the lake scene, and I liked that it was such a big betrayal. If they try to rush through it with more exposition at the beginning of the episode, I just don't see it being as meaningful. That said, I really don't think they know who it is yet, but I guess we'll find out next week.

[honorarycassowary]

In preparation for Oppenheimer’s release in a couple of weeks, I’ve been doing some reading about the Manhattan Proejct. Largely the focus of this has been a man I only learned about last summer: Józef Rotblat, the only scientist to leave the Manhattan Project early over moral objections. Here’s a quick list of things I’ve read and found thought-provoking:

1. The Strangest Dream, a documentary film by the National Film Board of Canada. This places Rotblat’s life into context much more thoroughly than the pieces he authored himself. To properly understand why he would volunteer to build an atomic bomb, you have to know that he was a Polish Jew and was unable to extract his wife and family to the UK after the German invasion started.

2. The Bulletin of Atomic Scientists published a special issue on the occasion of the 40th anniversary of the bombing of Hiroshima. Rotblat’s essay begins on page 9, but really the whole thing at least through the essay about Truman should be read to give context to the Manhattan Project era and the reasoning behind the bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

Oppenheimer apparently thought [the poisoning of food with radioactive strontium] worthy of consideration, and asked Fermi whether he could produce the strontium without letting too many people into the secret. He went on: "I think we should not attempt a plan unless we can poison food sufficient to kill a half a million men." I am sure that in peacetime these same scientists would have viewed such a plan as barbaric; they would not have contemplated it even for a moment. Yet during the war it was considered quite seriously and, I presume, abandoned only because it was technically infeasible.

3. An interview from Voices of the Manhattan Project, which is highly focused on Rotblat’s work in Los Alamos itself. It has

But immediately [Oppenheimer] struck me as a person, very quick, highly intelligent. I think he had good information. I noticed straightaway that he can take things in almost instantaneously, and he gets the grasp.  If you come to him with an idea, he would immediately see it as a major part of this important thing. [...] You could then present it in a way which is much better than the original was. From this point, he is a genius. I am not surprised that he managed to be such a good director for the laboratory. This is one quality which is most important in a place like Los Alamos, where you had so many people with original ideas, but not always capable to present them in a coherent form. He really could master this.

4. Leaving the Bomb Project, an interview self-explanatory in topic.

[General Leslie Groves] said, "You, of course you realize that the main purpose of this project is to subdue the Russians, our chief enemy." Now this was a shock to me, because uh...I always thought that the main idea of the project it was to develop the bomb, if need be, uh...to prevent a Nazi victory. And now I found that this was not. That the main aim...the main aim was that after the war was over -- by that time it looked as if it will be over even before the project is finished -- then I guess, we'll then be able to use this...the atom bomb, as a means of political pressure or whatever else or maybe even military pressure against the Russians.

5. Not authored by or about Rotblat, but relevant to him is Nathan J. Robinson’s essay How To Justify Hiroshima dissecting arguments that treat the bombing as self-evidently justified. (Also interesting to compare/contrast this to the essays in the Bulletin of Atomic Scientists.)

That isn’t to exclude the possibility of making the “better than the alternative” argument. It is merely to say that in order to make an argument justifying the obliteration of 100,000 civilians, slight discomfort will not do. If the utilitarian case is ever to be made, it must be made through tears. 

[dzpenumbra]

5/28/23

Lots of progress made on the skull. :)

I don't really know what to do for the rest of it yet, still kinda feeling it out, but I'm really happy with how that turned out. Plenty of room left in the middle for that design when I figure out what I'm going to do.

I really built up that piece in my mind because... it's one of a kind. And very permanent. That was the skull of a living being, a soul, an individual. And ink is super permanent, no room for fuck ups. And it kinda got me.

Weird... how someone who spent a good 3 years of their life pursuing a tattooing career (only to be backstabbed by their own artist...) had hesitation and difficulty starting an ink piece on a non-living canvas. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

I remember doing my intensive apprenticeship thing so vividly. The most memorable being matching tattoos I did on a mother and daughter, on the tops of their feet. And they came out great, I really didn't have much hesitation with it either. In fact, I was the first to volunteer to ink a person for the first time - and inked one of my teachers. And don't get me wrong, there were nerves... but not this kind.

I guess that's more reason to keep doing pieces like this. It's a really important reminder that... everything is permanent. And every piece is one-of-a-kind. And... this is a tough one for the logical, controlling brain to really accept... there is no such thing as a fuck up. Not in art.

You'll always get people who argue that. I'll even argue it with myself. But man, if you can actually get yourself to accept that? It's so fucking liberating. There is no such thing as a fuck up. It's just... something different. If I intend for a brush stroke to look one way and I sneeze and it goes flying off in a different direction? That's simply... part of the piece's character, and as the artist, it's up to you to decide what to do with that. As a musician, if you're in the middle of an improvised solo and hit a D# when you're going for D? It's up to you, as the musician, to make that work. To make it make sense.

And here's a little hack. To any of you interested in nourishing your creativity. PRACTICE THAT. Practice rolling with the punches. Practice making it work. Practice improvisation. Practice the fundamentals too, if you want, I mean... it's all really whatever you want to do when it comes to visual art or music. You can go your whole life and never learn theory or learn how to read music, plenty of people have. You can be a legendary artist and never study perspective or anatomy or shading or anything. Study what you feel you need, what pulls you in. That adds tools to your toolbelt. And then... you pull those tools out to improvise. But if you don't know how to improvise, or you don't allow yourself to improvise? The tools are useless. And you go "man, I spent years training... what for?!"

It's the jazz approach, I guess.

I feel so blessed that I was introduced to stream of consciousness and improvisation at a very young age - around 16-17. And, interestingly enough, it was because I had failed an English class. XD And a history class! And history was my favorite course! The history teacher failed me, and also... somehow, even though it was against school policy... benched me all season in basketball, my favorite sport at the time... and I really have no idea why to this day. So they actually tried to flunk me out of high school, but I ended up in some special education program... which really kinda fucked up my head, to be honest. Just because someone is struggling in school doesn't mean treat them like they're broken and threaten to throw them out of school, that's super fucked up. But honestly, it ended up being one of the best things that ever happened to me. Because my english teacher at the special education program, he could tell I was just... bored... and completely uninterested in the bog standard "read 50 pages a night" english memorization and recitation grind. Because I got my highest grade of all time in Creative Writing. So... he introduced me to the Beat Poets. And gave me a copy of The Dharma Bums, that I still have over on my bookshelf. And it changed my life forever.

I hope I get to sit down with him and share my gratitude for that someday. I'm sure, as an educator, that would bring him so much joy.

So yeah, I caught up on sleep which is dope. But that meant a late start to the day. But I got a lot of work on the skull done. And the whole day was basically watching RP streams and working on that.

My jasmine is really close to blooming, which is really exciting. The buds are getting really big and changing color. I really wasn't expecting it this soon! I'm gonna have to go take care of my plants pretty soon here before I head to bed, the sun is pretty much fully up at this point. I'll squeeze in a tarot reading first before I go.

First Position - Past - Three of Cups, inverted (Celebration, calling in good fortune, joy.  Social gathering, a heartfelt belonging in a community.) Second Position - Present - Queen of Wands (Warm, dedicated, confident, optimistic. Focusing inward to harness creative energy.) Third Position - Future - XIX: The Sun, inverted (Hope, clarity, confidence.  Success, fulfillment, revelation.)

Alright, this one is a bit tricky at first glance. Again... inversions always make things messy for me. But I'm gonna try to just trust my gut and see what I make of this. The origin of the thread is the "party card", which is a very clear image to me, especially given how rare it has been in my life. But... it's inverted... So... something from my past that inhibited my ability to be part of a close-knit community? Or maybe... the ripples of a close social event gone wrong... That led to the Present, where my introspection and introversion are basically perpetual. The Queen of Wands, my first time seeing it, felt super relatable when I drew it. It really does often feel like all of my time and effort is spent on introspection in an effort to nurture inner creative growth, and stimulate creative expression. And this trend... in the Future... can lead to... a blockage in fulfillment. This is tough to see, and a little hard to read. The Sun is supposed to be a really nice card to see, clarity and success, but inversion (in how I tend to read cards) means blockage or dysfunction. Chaos vs. Order. So... what I'm getting from this is... some serious dysfunction from partying led to a deep introversion and creative growth... but... if I continue on that course, it will not lead to success or fulfillment. I will be missing something. Hmm... I wonder what that missing part is... could it be... the only other inverted card on the board? Could it be... a social life? Social belonging? Being part of a community?

Getting pretty big deja vu right now. :) I wonder how many thousand times I've come to this realization. XD Balance is really important. And as much as I'm obsessed with work work work and self-improvement and all that shit... I miss just having some laughs with friends. I miss going on a walk by a river or on a beach and just casually chatting. I miss playing Jackbox. I miss throwing back some ciders and smoking a hookah and playing Phasmophobia or Space Engineers. I miss getting high and playing Wrecking Ball in Overwatch.

Creativity and self-expression are crucial for me. Self-improvement and self-care are super important. But man, life isn't all work work work all the time. So yeah, that was a helpful reminder. Maybe I should reinstall GTA V and hop on that RP server and just go dick around with people. Who cares if they're not good at RP, I'll carry. I have some ideas.

I had one character I kinda wanted to play named Jack Lyer. And his whole thing is... a riff off the 90's Jim Carrey movie Liar Liar... So the first thing I was going to do was go to the hospital and report to them that I just got into the city and my doctor told me I need to let them know and get my records transferred that I was in a severe car crash and suffered major brain damage, and a byproduct of that damage is that I was incapable of lying. Set the foundation of the character with a physical record that can be verified if needed, so I don't have to backfill that if people try to RP check me. I figured a character that is biologically incapable of lying could lead to some really funny interactions since crime is everywhere and it's such commonly known thing that you don't talk about it. So if anyone asks him anything, he has to tell the truth without hesitation. I like the premise, but I'm a little afraid it might be a bit tacky, or it might just get my character perpetually killed... but like... if he is... he's just going to tell the hospital and the cops literally everything that he remembers. XD I don't know, it could be fun.

Another character idea is a really super friendly guy who latches on to the first person who befriends him, and very gradually he starts to change his appearance to look exactly like that person. Very subtly though, like... one article of clothing at a time... subtle gestures, like imitating the way they stand. Stuff like that. Maybe even spying on them and following them around and shit. So, after days of (hopefully) unnoticeably gradual change, I end up looking exactly like that person. And if they ever confront me on it, I become a complete asshole, gaslight the fuck out of them and find someone else to repeat the process.

It's a start. I'm still tempted to go back and reboot my only character I really sunk time into - Raymond Holmes - who, during the in-game day, wanted to be a YouTube stuntman, but by night reverted into the mental capacity of a 7 year old child. If I do bring him back, I'm bringing him back without the personality flips, just child-mode. But... I'm just on the fence about playing a mentally handicapped person. I don't know, maybe I'm just reading too much into it. Being stuck in a child-like state as a mid-40's adult is very clearly a mental health problem... at least it's very clear to me. And... I was always very... direct with that. Like... this dude is not just some quirky goofy idiot character, this trait of his has very clearly dark roots that he really did not like talking about. And I treated it very directly like an arrested development thing, I just acted like a child in an adult's body, like I was playing an actual child. I stopped playing because the other players were kinda doing fucked up things, and not even hesitating. People just kept giving me booze and cigarettes and weed, and getting me in really dangerous situations. And it really just... made me uncomfortable. Like... it wasn't really done in a funny way, it was very 1 to 100 and very like... high school bullies at a party getting the house owner's little brother drunk until he almost ends up in the hospital and thinking it's funny... kinda vibes... So yeah, I mean... I feel like I could play someone with a severe mental health problem like that properly, and accurately... and respectfully... but I don't really trust others to interact with him as such, and yeah... that turned me off of RPing for a while.

Anyway, it's getting late. Good progress on work and glad to have a bit of a new direction. I think RP is the way for now, if I can find a good place for it. The search continues...

[harbingrs]

Bouncing off tags on my last post... moral OCD is the one thing I hate most about myself and actually what makes me a far worse person than I could ever be without it.

(Note: Bits about 'maybe I /should/ sacrifice xyz' are not me being dramatic for attention, I genuinely, sincerely don't want to discount the possibility that people will think so, because I do not think I'm more deserving of safety and well-being than anyone else.)

I am trapped in a place where I cannot do things I desperately want to do to help people (like d*nate money - in addition to being poor - or volunteering my time on anything) because I cannot regulate my thoughts/behaviour around it and cannot stop it escalating to a scary degree.

And I know how self-indulgent and pathetic any of this sounds. I hate it beyond belief. This is genuine loser behaviour, I will say that in advance, I get that.

And the context is that I am poor. I am regularly food/housing insecure. If I was sitting on a pile of wealth or even average means maybe it would be different.

But if I start with something small that opens that door - like 'doing what I can' or 'd*nating what I can' it quickly escalates out of control and my brain will never stop upping the stakes. And maybe it's right to do so.

But whatever I do is never enough. I'm not choosing to feel this way or make it about me or be dramatic. But it escalates to the point where I'm distraught about like... feeding myself or paying my rent because how can I justify doing that. I go from 'd*nating what little I can' or trying to make small sacrifices 'where I can' to buying the cheapest food I can survive on to tally up what I've saved to living on bread with my body falling apart and it still doesn't feel like enough.

And maybe I should be doing all that. Because I'm not more deserving of food Maybe there should be no limits, when I'm not more fundamentally deserving than anyone else. My well-being is not any more important than someone else, and its not right that someone else has to suffer when I can prevent it but I'm just prioritising myself, I'm choosing to buy bread or medicine for myself.

It usually takes less than a week for me to go from doing 'what little I can' to the point where I'm running scenarios in my head knowing if I'm not alive I can't d*nate anything, and if I'm too weak/sick or unhoused then I can't work, so what is the bare minimum I can spend on myself to maximise what I can help with or give away?

And the obvious answer is 'well you could simply be normal about it'. But I try time and time and time again and I never get that option. I can never control it and harness my actual intentions shape it into the outcome I actually want.

I try, and the same thing happens. It escalates until I run into a wall with not being able to fully grasp the pros/cons of myself existing, because the money I am being paid for work still exists if I am not here, so it must go/be somewhere, but I don't know enough about economics to fully understand the implications of that.

It only stops when the web of cause and effect gets so complex that I can't follow it any more. And it's terrifying to reach that point and get a visceral sense of like... having a gaping abyss where other people have a sense of 'how to be normal about it'. I reach for it and it's just not there.

It turns out that 'do what you can' is actually a lot - because I could always sacrifice more. There is always room for more if I can need and want less, if I stop treating Me and My Life like something that matters, because how can I ever justify that? There's an opportunity cost to everything I gain. Every meal may as well be snatched from someone else's hands.

I know that other people have... guardrails, I guess? Like a sense of how much is enough and how much is too much. It's a given that someone is allowed to 'put on their own oxygen mask first' - to make sure they are fed, housed, safe and (relatively) well, and then to help others with the means they have.

I don't have that - not that I have some kind of overt belief about self-sacrifice, and I especially don't have that belief about what other people should do. I don't worry about what other people should do because I do not have to make that decision. But I do have to decide for myself and it's absolutely terrifying.

I reach for my own sense of what I should do, how much I deserve to meet my own needs, and there's nothing there. I reach for some kind of grand cosmic truth to tell me what's right, what anything even means, what the purpose of /anything/ is and it's not there.

And so I have no way to justify caring for myself - especially beyond the minimum I need to stay alive and be able to give away the rest. To simply be a conduit to the benefit of others wherever possible - because I cannot find a justification to do anything else. I can't find anything that gives my life (and especially my quality of life, to want more than the minimum) significance beyond that.

And this is not a choice to be dramatic and play martyr, this a deep, terrified reckoning. I want to know what to do and more importantly /how/ - how to be okay with whatever I do, how to live with it, how to feel like it's ever enough. I don't want an excuse or a permission slip to be selfish and slack off on the work, I want anything but that.

But ending up on the precipice of having no answers, ever - no peace, ever - no meaning, ever - is terrifying. Because I cannot find it no matter how long and hard I look. There's no way out other than to shut it out and never open that door, because that's the only place it ever leads to. I have to disconnect from reality and experience life like it's happening to someone else who plays the part of a Normal Person and when I eat and sleep and work I'm following the script. I can't be present because then all of it would be real and I don't know what to do with real. I can't be present with all the questions and no answers and no way to solve it, ever.

All I have to hold onto is what the people who care about me say and want for me. There's nothing else besides the fact that they want to see me fed, clothed, housed, generally alive.

And I swear to fuck this is not a martyr complex, this is not about my image of wanting to be the most morally righteous person on earth. I don't /want/ that. It's about the unknown. It's about the fact that I don't know what is right or okay or what I should do or how. It's the fact that there IS no reference point for 'should' and that is beyond terrifying. There is no fundamental truth to uncover there, there's just the world and my life and I'm supposed to decide what to do and how to live and how to live with the choices I make.

For other people, it's like they Just Know - that they can care for themselves, that it's okay to be alive and meet their needs, that their life matters. And I don't question that about other people, but when it comes to myself, I can't find any justification to hold onto.

I try and try and I can't find it beyond my ability to do good for others - but then how does it work in practice? How do I figure out exactly what I need to do the most good, without taking more than I need and taking that away from someone else?

How much can I justify eating, resting, caring for my body? Because I need to do those things to be physically and mentally and emotionally capable of helping others. But how do I know what will pay off? Will eating better food now make me more capable of giving or make me live longer? Is me living longer doing more harm or good?

Even if I found that perfect balance, I have to decide what to do and how. Where do I d*nate, when giving to one is taking from everyone else. Is it better to volunteer my time and labour and live on the minimum needed to survive or is it better to work and d*nate what I earn? Can I justify resting in order to be able to volunteer or work to d*nate or is that time better spent?

The only clear answer in all of this is that I'm not mentally well enough to decide that or to navigate this based on my own thoughts and emotions. I have to trust in what people /I/ trust say is safe for me, or it's impossible.

I cannot grasp what is normal in these situations, what is 'allowed', what is expected. I have no concept of how to be normal about it or how to stay in control of it or how to make sense out of anything.

I have to trust that the people /I/ trust think my existence is justified, that it is okay for me to feed myself or get myself healthcare or meet my basic needs at all. I have to outsource that decision because I am not capable of making it myself and being safe, and maybe I should not get to be safe, but there we go.

And I know the assumption on that is that I'm being whiny and self-indulgent and dramatic, that nothing is about me, and I should just get over it to be able to do the right thing. And it's agony because that's what I wish I could do, with everything in me.

It's agony because none of it comes from not caring, from being indifferent or selfish or wanting an excuse or an easy way out. It comes from caring so, so goddamn much - but not having the means or resources to navigate any of it.

It's not a new and overly convenient 'excuse' about anything in particular. This long predates anything happening in the world right now. But the mechanisms I'd developed to cope and survive no longer work, not only because of the actual situations happening which warrant my attention and action despite anything and everything else, but also in light of people like... directly contacting me saying that my action or inaction is killing them and their children. And following up when I don't respond to ask why their lives are meaningless to me.

And I don't blame them one bit. I don't have the slightest bit of judgement for people wanting to survive and be safe and wanting their loved ones to survive and be safe.

I am not upset about it happening, I am upset that my brain being this way stands in the way of me doing what I want to do to help people. I would give anything not to be this way, not for my sake in any way, shape or form, but to be able to help without the messy, selfish drama my brain brings to the table.

I'm in absolutely pieces about everything and at the same time, I know how selfish it is to feel any of this at all, and to give any time and space to my own emotions.

I can't do a single thing without opening that door. I can't add image descriptions to reblogs because I do one 'when I can' and suddenly any time I'm not doing them, I'm passing up a chance to do something to help people. And I don't even mean that I feel bad reblogging stuff without them, I mean any minute of the day where I COULD be helping people by adding image descriptions to things, I'm failing.

So I do image descriptions only for my own original posts - which are rare, so that's self-limiting. But I can't open the door to something that ISN'T self-limiting because I cannot regulate myself as long as I could be doing More.

For a solid decade, I've only been able to handle the /existence/ of d*nation posts with the rule of 'I only share them from people I know personally' - because again, that's self-limiting and can't escalate. And it avoids spiralling over my limited ability to vet stuff and opportunity costs - not just if I accidentally share a scam, but also the logistics of sharing lots of donations posts - because where do I stop? There are more to reblog, and I could do this all day and night for the chance that one of my five followers will d*nate or share it - but the more I reblog, the less of a spotlight there is on any individual post. Which are more deserving? What am I costing people? How many times should I reblog them? How can I always be doing more and more and more? How can I ever justify not doing more when I could?

Current circumstances mean the 'only people I know' rule went out the window. Or more accurately, that I have been trying to push it over and over and over with disastrous results, as in I am completely falling apart. And I am not even doing that much, if anything.

It doesn't help that every platform has an algorithm, that the more I engage with, the more I see, the more people contact me, the more I need to do, the more I can't stop.

The advice is always 'do what you can' or 'do what you can without harming yourself' but the answer to the second one is always inevitably nothing. I'm disabled and struggling to stay fed/housed, I have no time or energy to spare, I have no money to give. To 'do something' at all will always be at my own expense - and that's not even starting on the implications of opening that door for me.

The amount I can do without harm is nothing because the smallest action will start the cycle of never-ever-ever-enough until I have to check out of my own brain. Writing a single image description is not safe for me because I have to keep doing it until I've missed days of work and people want to know why. D*nating a dollar is not safe for me because clearly I could give more and more because to feed or house myself is to take that away from someone else.

The answer is 'just be normal about it' and I want to be. The answer is 'stop being so selfish and dramatic and get over yourself' and I want that more than anything. I want to be able to 'do what I can', genuinely and sincerely, without it spiralling into a complete, dysfunctional breakdown where am no good to anyone.

I want to be able to exist and be present in my own life - without the complete terror of things being real, that I have to make real decisions that affect real people and I am making all the wrong ones and there's no way I can live with that.

Because that's what it's all about with me. Not moral OCD as in 'desperately wanting to be A Good Person' or 'wanting to be percieved as A Good Person'. I want to know how to live with myself and live with the world as it is. And if I let myself think about it, if I know I'm not doing everything I possibly can, I don't know how to live with it. I don't know how to just exist that way. I'm not indifferent to people suffering - it matters so deeply to me I can't feel any peace if I could do something to help and I don't.

But I could always do more - with every dollar, every minute. I don't know how to be okay with it. And all the advice in the world doesn't help - putting on your own oxygen mask first, needing to be at your best to do the most good for other people, etc. Because it's still too vague and unclear about what to do and how and how much and how to make sense of it all - and how to ever feel okay about it. How to sleep at night knowing you've done all you can, when every cause and effect is so vast it's impossible to know.

And it's so useless that it distresses me so much that /I/ end up useless. I know I could do far more letting all of it go and making SOME small effort than being this way and not being able to do anything. But I try, I try to choose that outcome and I can't.

I don't have a reference point. I don't have a theology or belief system to hold onto to find peace with anything. There's just people and their lives and their suffering and all of it is really and that's all that matters. And I am never ever doing enough.

And it still should be simple. I should shut up, put up and do what needs to be done. I want to. I swear I want to.

[thetomorrowshow]

sent to help

esh au masterlist (i'll update it soon i swear)

IT'S NORMAN TIME BABEYYYYYY! this part is set 6-8 months after 'poisoned rats'.

cw: references to past abuse

~

“Maybe you should get a cat.”

The suggestion comes from his therapist Nora one day, after an emotional session of beginning to unpack why Jimmy won’t let anyone touch his hair. He’d been running his hand on one of those pillows with the reversible sequins during the conversation, and he can imagine that petting a cat would be more comforting.

There’s Elle, of course. But Elle doesn’t really care much for being pet, and prefers being alone to Jimmy’s company, so that won’t work. He thinks about a service dog for a while (they certainly have the money for one and Jimmy has diagnoses that would make him eligible), but Scott’s allergic to dogs and it’s just not worth it.

He’d had a dog as a child. He doesn’t remember her very well.

The more he thinks about it, the more he wants a cat. A young cat, maybe, a little baby of a cat for him to raise and train himself.

He’s scared, though. He’s very scared.

“I’m scared,” he admits to Scott one evening, on their way home from the animal shelter (Scott had leapt on the idea of another cat, had enthusiastically looked up shelters and volunteered to go with Jimmy to check things out).

Scott doesn’t answer immediately, checking his mirrors and over his shoulder as he merges into a busy lane. “Of what, love?”

Jimmy sighs, slumps in his seat. “Of. . . .” he breaks off, a little ashamed of his thoughts. “Never mind.”

“Why don’t you want to tell me?”

“Because you’ll think I’m stupid,” he mutters.

Scott tsks. “I promise I won’t.”

Scott hasn’t made a joke about something important to Jimmy in a long time. He probably won’t about this.

“I’m afraid,” he says slowly, “that I will mistreat a cat.”

Scott doesn’t laugh, but there’s humor in his voice when he replies, “Jimmy, I don’t think you would ever mistreat any living thing on purpose.”

That’s the problem, though, because Jimmy has mistreated living things. Jimmy’s killed people, he’s hurt people, he’s done it accidentally and on purpose.

And more importantly. . . .

“I was a pet,” he says quietly, so quietly that he thinks Scott won’t hear him. He knows he does hear by the way his spine stiffens, by the way his fingers tighten on the steering wheel. He continues, louder now. “I was a pet, and I was mistreated. And—it’s all I know, I guess. I’m afraid that if I get a cat, it’ll be like . . . like generational trauma. I’ll abuse it because I was abused, and I don’t know any better.”

“Oh, Jimmy. . . .”

“They beat me, and whipped me, and kept me chained to a table leg and put me in a cage when I was bad, and so much more, and I accepted that it all happened because I was a pet. Because that’s how pets are treated. And I don’t—I don’t wanna hurt an innocent little cat because my head’s so screwed up about this.”

Scott is silent. Jimmy hazards a look up, sees how stormy his face is. He looks back down to his lap, anxiety leaping into his throat.

After a few moments, Scott speaks, voice tense. “You know you aren’t a pet, right?”

“Yeah! Yes. I . . . I understand. I know that. But. . . .” He shrugs. “Conditioning, y’know?”

They’re almost home. Scott turns onto their street, pulls into their drive. Once the car is in park, Scott unbuckles his seatbelt and turns to Jimmy, taking his hands in his own.

“Jimmy, I have never once seen you mistreat Elle,” he says seriously. “I understand why you are concerned, and I’m proud of you for sharing with me. But I don’t think that you will, in any way, shape, or form, hurt a cat. I have full confidence that you will treat a cat with the utmost respect and care.”

“But what if—”

“And if you happened to do so, I would tell you immediately,” Scott finishes, “and together we would work something out about it. Would that be good?”

That settles his racing heart a little bit. Jimmy leans down, kisses Scott’s knuckle. Knowing that there’s someone keeping him accountable means all the world to him. “Yeah. That would—that would be great, actually. And,” he laughs a little sheepishly, “I’ll bring this up in therapy next week. Think I need to process this.”

Scott smiles softly, reaches up his hand but pauses. “Am I okay to touch your face?”

Jimmy shrugs. “Go for it.”

Scott rubs his thumb along Jimmy’s jawline, cradles his chin in his palm. It takes a moment, but Jimmy realizes that it’s uncomfortable. It’s not a safe touch today, so he does what his therapist has been having him rehearse and he pulls away, muttering, “Yellow.”

Scott’s hand drops back to Jimmy’s hands, gives them a quick squeeze. “Kisses okay?”

Jimmy nods, weird feelings dissipating. “Please!”

Scott giggles and leans over, pressing a soft kiss to his lips. Jimmy feels his cheeks heat, shakes his head back and forth rapidly once Scott pulls away. “Love you,” he says, the last knots of worry loosening in his chest.

Scott sighs contentedly. “I love you so much.”

-

Jimmy sees the way Scott’s eyes sparkle when he looks at him. He hears Scott mutter under his breath, “You’re so adorable,” when he thinks Jimmy won’t notice. Jimmy doesn’t press it, though, because he’s absolutely besotted with Norman.

Norman is his new kitten. He’s five months old and his fur is so fluffy and his eyes are so big and blue and he loves being held and cuddled and he’s lovely, he’s a lovely baby.

There are words that Jimmy avoids saying, words that he knows Scott notices. He doesn’t call Norman a good boy, he doesn’t use the word perfect, he doesn’t call him pet or obedient. He calls him Norman, and only Norman, and sometimes Big Man Norman when he’s an especially brave little kitten.

Norman isn’t just a little guy who lives with him, though. More than once, Jimmy is in the throes of a flashback and Norman hops up into his lap, purrs and nuzzles up against him, and Jimmy is brought back to reality. He goes from shaking at Xornoth’s feet to having a cuddly kitten licking his arm and meowing up at him, his own living room coming into view around him. It gets to the point that Scott drops everything to find Norman when Jimmy gets triggered, the cat rousing him quicker than any of their other tactics.

He tells his therapist of the improvement, and she’s happy for him, reminds him that this is a victory and he should celebrate. He does; he calls Lizzie and invites her over to meet his new kitten, throws a little party with him and Scott and Lizzie and Joel (he and Lizzie are a package deal) and the two cats of the house, which ends with Lizzie trying to put a party hat on Norman and Joel trying to sauvely suggest to Lizzie that they go to his house down the block and spend the night there rather than drive the whole twenty minutes to her apartment.

It feels so normal.

“You’re a keeper,” Scott declares, holding Norman up in the air and nuzzling their noses together. “Part of the family, now. We’ll get you a tag to match Elle’s and a little backpack for you so we can take you on walks. Won’t that be cute?”

That’s when it really sinks in, though. It finally hits Jimmy that Scott is treating Jimmy’s cat as a permanent fixture of the household. Scott considers Norman (and Jimmy, by extension) necessary to complete the family.

He’d known before. But he hadn’t really accepted it, maybe. And now it’s here, right in front of him, and Scott doesn’t even know that Jimmy’s four seconds away from bursting into tears because he’s home.

It can stay that way, though. There are some feelings that are just for him to process. For now, Jimmy watches as his boyfriend (his home) welcomes someone new into his life.

[riverstardis]

black alert:

ethan’s started on the energy drinks :(

lily sees him “have you slept?” he ignores her “i know i’m still the pariah of the department and it’s none of my business, but you have to stop beating yourself up about olivia. mistakes happen, believe me i know. why don’t you go and see mrs beauchamp? perhaps she could spare you for the day” “what and let everyone down?” “you are exhausted. staff welfare is just as important as patient welfare” 🥺🥺🥺 i guess she’s realised how she treated alicia was wrong then? presumably it was ethan calling her out on it that woke her up

ooh it’s lofty’s interview and henrik’s there lining up his pens

ethan actually does go and speak to connie but she’s on the phone and when she gets off she says that st james’ have declared a black alert and it’s only a matter of time before they start diverting (wow that never happens! /s) so he feels like he can’t ask to go home and instead says to let him know what he can do to help :(

zoe’s back! she went to visit nick jordan

cal says good morning to ethan only to get a blunt reply😢

ah a guy asks ethan if he works there and then hands him a letter about his suicidal thoughts :(

connie interrupts them talking in the relatives room and says she needs a word with ethan outside and then asks him what he’s doing

“i have a patient who has expressed suicidal thoughts” “you’re a registrar not a psychiatrist” bit of an odd way to phrase what she means seeing as you can be a psychiatry registrar??

he says he owes the guy a level of care and connie interrupts him like “what’s this really about?” lmaoo nothing gets past connie😭

when ethan goes back in the guy says he’ll go and that he should never have come there but ethan’s like no you did exactly the right thing and tells him that if he goes to reception and gets booked in then they can properly help him. he says he will but then just leaves instead. no prizes for guessing whether he’s gonna end up dead by the end of the episode😕

also this guy is played by the guy who played renfield in young dracula lol

ethan’s treating an elderly woman who’s only a few hours from death but first she was in the corridor then the only bed available was in cubicles and all the wards are full and he goes to admin, slams the file he’s carrying down and start ranting about it :(((

then henrik appears and tells them all st james’ have closed their doors😬

now ethan’s opening another energy drink (his third of the day possibly?) and louise is trying to deal with some guy with a sore ankle who’s demanding to be treated but refuses to be triaged first and ethan goes over to help and at first he’s being polite but the guy says he called an ambulance ethan starts having a go at him and cal and charlie have to calm him down :(

charlie says he’s got a mate who’s a therapist (ben harding presumably) and suggests to cal that they both go and see him but cal says he hasn’t told him because look at him and the last thing they need is some therapist getting involved “you can’t fix everyone so just stop trying!”

louise manages to get the difficult patient back to reception but he then starts filming everything saying he’s going to put it online to show what the nhs has become and lofty tries to help louise but the guy just pushes him backwards and he goes through the glass panel😬

connie suggests to hanssen that they set up a triage/field hospital outside and lofty volunteers to run it. go lofty!

dixie saying to iain “you could’ve died” and he replies “nah, cat with nine lives me” and she goes “jeff used to say that” :(((((

jess has dropped the complaint but they’re still going ahead with the investigation but she asks dixie out for a drink. dixie turns her down

ethan’s treating an rtc patient and connie wants to stop because she has a hematoma her heart or something like that but ethan suggests they do a clamshell thoracotomy. connie says that not something she wants to do here and he says but it’ll give her a chance and if they don’t she’s dead. just you wait connie he’ll be doing them in the back of ambulances next

lily checks over the difficult guy from before and says he has the common cold💀 he still refuses to leave though talking about how he pays his taxes and louise has a go at him and lily goes “you just got owned”

connie talks ethan through it and they manage to get a faint pulse and she’s like “you may very well just have saved that woman’s life, dr hardy. you’re a credit to this department, don’t forget that” 🥺🥺🥺

aw rita’s impressed with how well lofty’s doing running the tent

aw the difficult guy gives louise an envelope with an apology note and a lot of money in for the infuser, which puts the girls way ahead of the boys

they managed to get the elderly woman into hdc and ethan cries as she dies😢

ooh i was thinking i feel like this woman who’s playing the friend of the elderly lady has been on before because i recognise and i just realised she was the patient ethan treated on his first day!!

cal texts ethan “we need to talk…” not ominous at all😭

jess and dixie kiss but dixie says she can’t do this

so ethan goes looking for cal but first finds lily in the small resus looking at her dead patient who’s covered with a sheet. she says he had a fight with a bus and was basically doa :(

“look, earlier you said you were the pariah of the department” “am i not?” “not to me” yayyy they’re friends again!!

then he’s just about to call cal when he notices the dead patient’s hand is slightly uncovered and he recognises the ring, he pulls back the sheet and it’s the suicidal guy from before😢😢😢😢

the worst part is i’m not sure whether he threw himself in front of the bus on purpose, because we saw him get out pills in his car but then he seems to bottle it and runs off so it’s entirely possible that the bus wasn’t a suicide attempt. or maybe it was who knows.

rita tells lofty he got the job and he goes and hugs dylan🥺

[seventeenlovesthree]

Digiweek 2022 Drabbles/Ficlets - Red Shades Filling Up My Heart

One year ago, @dutchforstrangers​​ had decided to dedicate the entirety of Digiweek to a lovely little polyamorous OT3 fanfiction with the title “Shades of Red”. Even if I went into Digiweek 2022 pretty much unprepared, I’m still aiming to pay homage to the story by taking a look at how things may have developed afterwards...

🧡💜❤️  

Chapters: [1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7]

Chapter 2: Relationship

Summary: Koushirou is treating Mimi for dinner, thanking her for all the support she’s been offering him throughout his journey to discover his feelings for his two best friends, encouraging him to shoot for the stars and for his romantic happiness. However, the platonic relationships in his life are just as important to him - and now he has the means to put that into words as well.

Characters: Koushirou Izumi, Mimi Tachikawa

Ship: Platonic Koumi, romantic Taikoura

Main POV: Koushirou Izumi

Genre: Friendship, Romance

Rating: T

Wordcount: 1277

“Well then – cheers!”

 With that, Mimi clinked her cocktail glass against Koushirou’s, smiling her brightest smile.

 “Congrats on scoring the highest possible score there, Koushirou-kun! Or shall I say… Scores?”

 Koushirou himself couldn’t help but sigh at that pun, but a somewhat embarrassed grin was forming on his lips as well.

 “Mimi-san…”

 It was a happy occasion after all. He had volunteered to treat Mimi for dinner, should he ever manage to confess to Taichi – and Sora as well for that matter, but the main objective had been to convince Taichi that his feelings had not been a one-sided deal all along. Mimi had encouraged him – and Sora – to go for the Valentine’s Day confession and was now earning her price for believing in her friends so thoroughly. And loudly.

 “What, I just want you to know how happy I am for you!,” she pouted at his lowkey-ness, wanting to celebrate having his feelings successfully reciprocated after a lot of second-guessing. “And proud as well – who would have guessed you would actually go for such an extravagant goal! Falling for and going for two people at once… Truly impressive.”

 He coughed at that remark as she gleefully dug into her sundae once more. Just like Taichi and Sora had pointed out, Mimi had a sense for her friends’ romantic affairs…

 “Well, you made it pretty apparent that you’ve been having quite the… Colourful impression of us.”

 “Pffff, please, can you blame me for that?,” she giggled, pointing her spoon at him in a dramatic manner. “You guys were unbearable to watch sometimes, each and every one of you, no exceptions… And I’m still mad at you for not having told me about all of this sooner.”

 It had been quite a journey indeed – by now, Koushirou had realized how exasperated the others must have been to witness the entire thing unfold in front of their eyes. With Koushirou and Sora having been dancing around each other – figuratively and physically –, while Taichi had silently suffered around them, all of them too oblivious and dense to see how much they had hurt one another in the process, despite having wanted each other for the longest time…

 “What was I supposed to tell you about when I wasn’t even aware of what was going on myself?,” Koushirou confessed in a defeated tone – and was almost certain that Mimi was this close to throwing the spoon at him, hadn’t they been in a public place.

 “EXACTLY THAT! Taichi-san must have been just as baffled to see you being that close to Sora-san… And that Spain trip!” Once again, she dramatically rolled her eyes, followed by a loud laugh. “I still can’t believe you thought it was appropriate to book just one hotel room and one bed without having any ulterior motives there…”

 Hearing that, he felt heat creeping into his cheeks and so he took a big bite from the pancake in front of him, trying hard not to remember that instance too vividly.

 “And I’ve told you that my only ulterior motive had been to save costs – the spot where you hit me still hurts sometimes by the way.”

 “Well deserved! Sleeping in the same room and same bed as beautiful, gorgeous, stunning Sora-san – just how?!”

 And thus, the heat increased even more. Looking back on it, it obviously had made him notice Sora more thoroughly, having been physically close and comfortable in her company, watching her from decreased distance, seeing her smile, her happiness, with completely different eyes… Heart fluttering included.

 “When we were sixteen, you couldn't even look at me without turning into a tomato – just like you do now!"

 "I was sixteen, like you just said!," he countered, raising his voice, causing her expression to turn mischievous. Through years of experience, he was aware how much she enjoyed getting under his skin, challenging and teasing him, especially about his former crush on her – and he was also terribly aware that he fell for it each and every time.

 "Seriously though, you had been rambling about this trip for days, told me you were planning on doing loads of sightseeing. I’ve literally never seen your eyes lighting up at the idea of going dancing with Sora-san, you used to be stiff as a board! And every second sentence was also about how you’d wanted to show all the sights and stuff to Taichi-san...,” Mimi mused, still sounding highly amused – but also fond of the memory, enjoying her friend being so obviously in love with his two best friends. “If I didn’t have my suspicions about you being a bisexual disaster before, that would have been the final straw, unbelievable."

 This time, Koushirou couldn’t unsee the softness in her expression and automatically returned it. He really must have been unbearable after all, having been so fed up with Taichi closing himself off that he had continuously rambled about him, how frustrated he had been with him, how much he had missed him…

But before he could even reply to Mimi, she elaborated – with words that made his heart jump a little:

“… And now look at you. You finally know what you want, who you want… And you went for it. That is truly amazing and admirable, Koushirou-kun.”

 “I have to thank you for that,” he responded almost immediately – and thus catching her off guard in return.

 “Awww, I didn’t even do anything, really.” Mimi just waved her hand at that, obviously flattered, before emptying the ice cream glass in front of her. “Playing Amor is definitely a profession I’d consider, but honestly? You guys just needed a nudge. And… Being in love suits you.”

 He could tell that she was speaking honestly here, not wanting to take too much credit, but he also knew her well enough by now to pick up on the little things. There had been a time when he hadn’t been able to deal with her well, not knowing how to reply to her, how to tend to her emotions, just as she hadn’t had the capacities to deal with his rationality either. They had come a long way since then, with a lot of ups and downs in between.

 “No, I mean it,” he spoke from a place of honesty just as much as she had done, wanting to underline how much it all meant to him. “I’d say that… Relationships of that caliber have never been my biggest strength and it took a lot to face all of this. You should be aware of that… First hand, so to speak. I wouldn’t have been able to understand myself as well as I do now, or be able to… Say these things out loud, if it hadn’t been for your support. So… The bisexual disaster in me is just incredibly thankful.”

 Once he had finished his speech, he already felt the urge to apologize for it – because her eyes were, without a doubt, shimmering with tears. But again, he had no chance to intervene, as she actually threw a tissue at him this time, babbling enthusiastically:

 “Awww, you’re so cute when you get open like that! Sora-san and Taichi-san are super lucky, hehe…”

 “I’m just as lucky. To have them… And you as my friend, Mimi-san.”

 “See, being in love really suits you, it makes you more cheesy as well! I’m thankful too though,” she admitted, chuckling, as she wiped a tear away. “Speaking of food… Shall we order another course?”

 With a heart full of softness and thankfulness, Koushirou handed her an unused tissue now, knowing that he had found the right words eventually.

 “It’s my treat, so go ahead.”

 “Yay!”