#I may be on some of those get high to feel better drugs right now

[lewdladylily]

Are you okay? Been busy so haven't checked the blog for a while, why were you in the hospital? -Anna

The problem with explaining you are sick is there is really no way to tell people "yeah my shit's fucked right now" without making people concerned when they don't need to be or making everything awkward as hell. But you also can't interact with people in your normal ways because your shit is fucked so you feel like you need to say something so people understand that you are unwell.

So everyone understands, no one needs to be concerned about me. I'll get through this fine, it's certainly not the worst it's every been. Having said that, I'll now explain a bit about my situation that will make everyone who reads it be very concerned about me. So like, if you don't want the downer, maybe stop reading here.

The hospital thing wasn't actually a big deal, just kidney stones, the surgery will be minimally invasive with minimal risk. It's just a lot of pain and inconvenience and stress, but not actually something to worry about in and of itself.

That said, it came at a particularly bad time and has exacerbated my mental health issues which could charitably be described as dire.

I'm only gonna say this next part because I find this real funny in a very morbid sense, but my doctor actually gave me three times the usual amount of my "get high to feel better" drugs and told me to not worry about it if I get addicted while we are figure something out. Like, what doctor says that? I've been on this medicine a decade or something and the doctors are always very concerned about making sure I'm controlling my use and not prescribing too much and then he 180s so hard it feels like I have whiplash. "Here's all the pills! Take 'em whenever you feel like it!"

Anyway, my doctor was freaking out like that two days before the kidney stone problem started and made everything even worse so like. That's how fucked my shit is right now.

But it's gonna get better. I always get worse in the summer, starting in like june and it gets worse and worse until late august or early september and then it gets better quite quickly. Been like that for years. And my doctor has some ideas for new meds that might help, and the kidney stone problem will be resolved, so like in a month I'll be doing much, much better. So people don't need to be concerned.

It's just that timing has ensured that the answer to your question is no I'm very not ok. But I will be.

[mira-s-bookclub]

Beneath a Veil of Shadows

Azriel x Reader

Note: First time I've ever posted anything I've written, so be aware of that when reading hahsh. I'd love requests or tips <3

Warnings: Mature language, fighting, injury and blood, captives, drugs.

Summary: Y/n knows very well how Azriel feels for her; detest. What happens when Rhysand sends Y/n alongside Azriel on what was supposed to be a "normal" check?

Word Count: 2,7k

. . . . . ╰──╮ ╭──╯ . . . . .

“Oh Gods,” I huff out. I wipe my sweaty palms down the front of my shirt. Having long forgone the idea of looking clean for the duration of this hike. I would not exactly call it a hike. Azriel did though.

“Fucking Hell.” I say, as my foot connects with the branch strategically placed to trip me. There is absolutely no way the male in front of me does not hear my huffing and puffing as we ascent up the hill. I lay in a dramatic Sigh to my complaining. Catching his attention.

Azriel stops beside a tree looking like it desperately needs water, I imagine I am not looking far from that, turning to look back at me.

“Ever occurred to you that complaining doesn’t help?” He mumbles. Looking all energetic and not-at-all sweaty like me. I had to stop during the first 10 minutes of the mission to change my leathers into a plain t-shirt and some knee shorts. I was not exactly the powerful, badass, beautiful-at-any-part-of-the-day warrior I had told the mirror in my bathroom before winnowing to the mountain range. I am fairly sure I did my makeup before leaving. Cannot focus enough right now to remember.

I stop by Azriel and swing off my pack. “Helped you stop, didn’t it?” I look up at him, smirking. He says nothing. Gods damned Illyrian warrior. Could not even bother to break a sweat.

We were sent by Rhysand to scout the area between the two south camps. There were a couple of ingrown roads leading between each camp. Illyrians may have wings and all that glory, but they are not capable of transporting heavier items or foods. The roads were not used by many, but Azriel managed to catch a lesser fae the other day, smuggling some other rather interesting items. It was not news that the Illyrians were importing questionable substances you would not in a thousand years find at the healers. I will give it to them, living in those camps would even make me resort to drugs. But I knew better, it could be poison. Poison for the brain, and poison for the body. It could be addictive.

“We’re close to the Camp, take a break, we’ll wait until nightfall.” Azriel said. Shuffling food and water out of his bag. Looks like we are resting in incline. I start packing out my own food and some fur to sit on. Making it rather cozy under the tree. My back to the tree, eating an apple, I watch him.

I did not lie when Feyre asked me before we left if I would be okay traveling with Azriel. It was not a secret how he looked at me, and how I looked back. I am sure, if he had any choice on the matter, he would choose any other companion. It hurt when he watched me. It felt like whatever I did would never be good enough, I was not good enough.

The Inner Circle all had their own little families inside the Circle. Feyre had Rhys and Nyx. Nesta had even settled down with Cassian and her friends. Her friend who also had, finally, taken the extremely subtle hint Mor had given her. Mor who had shrieked and hid under my blankets after I had convinced her to send out her Love letters to Emerie. Gods, even Amren had finally moved in with Varian and lived part time in the Summer Court. Rhys had even gifted her a healer prescribed sunscreen after she got badly burned. Elain had taken up Lucien’s offer to move to the Day Court, I had even heard rumors of a beautiful garden challenging even Tamlin’s. I was happy for them; I am happy for them. It could get a little lonely at times, but what could you expect? I was not even High fae.

There was a time when I had found solace in Azriel’s company, I like to think he did too. He became close, quiet nights in the library, breakfast at the nearby Café. He helped me a lot at the start.

I had grown up in Cretea, ruled over by Queen Miryam and her mate. An emissary from the Autumn Court had taken me in after finding me out alone by a brothel, abandoned he had told me later on. Neither of us could pinpoint exactly what I was, lesser-fae or mortal, it did not matter to me, he did not care enough to find out. I ended up in the Hewn City and later taken in by Madja after a dramatic incident resulting in Keirn’s broken arm. She had sought after an apprentice for quite some time, luckily for me.

As I watch Azriel I contemplate how my life would have worked out if I had stayed with Madja, and not taken up Cassian’s offer to train. Would I have met Feyre and Rhysand? Would fates have pushed me to Azriel? Or perhaps I would be inside now, safe, drinking tea and reading. I contemplate how Azriel has grown used to evading my every attempt to reconnect, he wasn’t mean per say, but he wasn’t friendly either. A wave of heat comes over me as Azriel bends down, way to close, to scavenge through his pack.

A fast inhale results in my apple choking me. I cough. And cough. And cough. Looking up through my wet eyelashes I see Azriel looking down at me. His face is set in a mixture of uncertainty and humor. Like he is trying so hard not to laugh.

“Don’t you dare laugh.”

“I wasn’t about to.”

“I can see it on your face!” I can feel my cheeks redden.

Azriel loses the battle. He barks out a laugh and turns around, finding a cloth in his bag. “You have drool down your chin.�� He snickers.

I snatch the cloth out of hand, drying my face. Azriel sits down beside me, back to the tree. There was an idyllic sort of silence in the mountain at this time, only birds and other animals out and about. This made it worth it - the hike.

“We’re going to slip into the current war-lord’s house and search it for the listed drugs.” Azriel hands me a slip of paper consisting of different substances.

“I didn’t know you write cursive.” I say, tracing his writing with my fingertips.

“Focus.”

“Yes, sir.” Azriel whips his head at me, hitting my head in the process.

“Fucking hell!” I scoot away and hold a hand to my head. “Fine, I know you don’t like me, but you don’t have to act on it?!” I watch his shocked face and wide eyes.

He puts a hand to his face. His voice is hard; “did you hurt yourself?” He looks up at me with those honey brown eyes, causing a shiver down my back.

“No, it’s fine.” I say, rubbing the bump on my head. “I’ve always had a thick head.” He snickers at the fact, though I know he thinks so too. It took me years of training to get to where I am now, it came to a point where even Amren said I was just being careful and considerate of my own body when training, hence why it took so long. But training did not mean being fit, which bites me in the ass on the rest of the way up, and the trip down this god forsaken mountain. Why we could not just take the road was beyond me. Feeling his eyes on me I turn again to Azriel.

I lift my brows. “You know a lot of females would call it creepy when someone is staring at them, especially when they don’t know.”

“You think I don’t like you?” He says. I do not know if I dreamed it or if his eyes were sad, mouth downturned.

“I know you don’t.” The painful truth is hard to swallow, but I have accepted it. “You cannot even find it in you to say ‘Hello’ to me in the morning.” I laugh, a little self-conscious that I notice this. His brows furrows even more and he leans forward.

“I do like you – “

“Gods Azriel, no you don’t,” I bite out, taking a bite out of my apple again. “Have you ever noticed how everyone, but you, compliment my food? Or even my training, which, God forbid, you notice occasionally has gotten good enough to challenge Nesta?” I feel deflated. There are not enough skills in the world to make Azriel look at me any different. I had begged Rhysand not to send me together with Azriel, using the excuse that I was feeling down. Did not support my case that I offered to go to the Mortal Realms to check up on Lucien and Elain, I could not be that sick. Either way, Rhys looked through me and told me that if it really was that bad, then they needed to find a solution to our problem. And I would never go to Couples-therapy with Azriel.

Azriel pulls forward and grabs my hands. “You have no idea, any idea how much you mean to me.” My breath hitched, and he is close enough to hear my thundering heart.

“You are lying.”

“You are delusional to think otherwise. There is not a day when it does not hurt to see you with anyone else, Cassian, Rhys, even laughing with Feyre.” His hair is messy, and his skin is glistening. I cannot help looking down at our hands. His hands, covered in calluses from years of training, scarred, but, oh, so beautiful.

He misunderstands and snatches his hands back, standing up. “You never speak to me, or even look at me. This does not make any sense.” I say.

“I look at you plenty.” He says as I stand up, towering over me.

“But Elain – “

“Elain was not like that. Elain was desperation, from both sides. It was a desperate attempt to get over you. She knew it too. We used to be best friends, you and I, but- “

“But we got too close.” When I look down, my hands are shaking. “Do you have any idea how much it hurt? Still hurts?  When you became distant and started ignoring me?” My voice cracks slightly at the hurt look on his face.

“It was never my intention, know that. I thought you did not want me like that, and when you and Lucien became friends- I could not watch you with anyone else, I would not have survived it.” My throat constricts, my breath comes in shallow gulps of air.

“I didn’t like Lucien; I didn’t like him like that at all.” I say quietly.

I look up at him and he gives me a sad smile.

“Would you back away if I kissed you? Runaway like the rest?” Azriel says softly, his face so open and sincere.

I walk the short distance towards him and take his hands in mine. Leaning up, “Never,” I kiss him. My heart had not felt this full in months, I am sure I would not be overreacting if I said years even. Something fell into place when I dragged my hand through Azriel’s hair, his hands sliding down to cup my backside.

“Azriel, I-” An arrow shot through the trees. My eyes widen as he spins us around, shielding me with his front, with his life. He grunts. An arrow protruding from the edge of his left wing, from the bone and meat around the elbow joint, an inch down and the arrow would have flown right through. My heart beats wildly. Azriel turns and pushes me behind him, shielding me from the position of the archer. What he did not take into consideration was the archer positioned behind our camp, shooting a series of arrows, hitting me. A whimper slips past my mouth and a look down at the arrow in my thigh. A green tint surrounds the wound, I must get the arrow out, fast.

“Y/n!” Azriel yells. He is across the camp in seconds, whipping out a sword, using his pack as shield as he sprints back for me.

“I’m fine!” My breath is fast and shorter by the minute. “Just a flesh wound. Behind you Azriel!” A male slip from the trees and runs straight for Azriel, firing arrows as he goes.

I limp for the trees on the other side, providing cover. Kneeling in the dirt, I grab a hold of my shirt, ripping off a piece, I find the nearest branch and bite down. Taking hold of the arrow, I keep my mind clean of the bloody battle happening just out of this bush, knowing I am of no use reduced by an Ash-arrow; I rip it out. I groan. Blood pools out of the now open wound, and I tie my shirt around my thigh. Blood is already seeping through in red specks on the white fabric. I turn around to watch the battle.

Azriel is locked in a fight with two males, one seemingly high-fae, his movements sloppier than his friend. Convincing me that somebody’s system is not very clean. Another male comes strutting out from the bushes on my right, I duck lower. This one with wings. His movements reveal him to be confident that I have left Azriel. Knowing he stands to win against Azriel three to one.

Seeing an opening I make my move. Sprinting to the left, picking up my knife from my pack, I aim for the Illyrian and throw. My knife hits target, catching his side. He whirls around, not fast enough to duck my punch straight for his nose, breaking the bone. I try for a series of hits and punches, landing some while he evades the rest. I duck and swipe my leg out to catch him as he throws a punch, seeing my mistake a mile away I prepare. His trap works and he catches my foot, throwing me on the ground and lays his weight on top of me.

I steal a glance towards Azriel. Seeing the drugged one on the ground crying out from a serious cut across his abdomen. Another losing in hand-to-hand with Azriel.

A punch to my cheek snaps me out of it. My own knife, swiped, coming to rest against my throat in warning. His face is red and angry, bloody from my hit. “You are going to be a good girl and follow my lead.” He spits in my face.

Knife to the throat, there is not much I can do. I stand still against the Illyrian, not giving me an inch of space to turn on him. “Drop your weapons or she dies.”

Azriel, letting go of the male, slowly turns with his sword yet again in his hand. Looking over him I cannot find any serious wounds other than his wing, knowing that it is not fatal, but must hurt like a bitch. His gaze settles on the knife to my throat. I try to beg him with my gaze to finish these guys off, no matter if my neck is on the line, literally. “Drop. The. Weapon.” He speaks behind me. Azriel stands unmoving, his opponent, laying at his feet, had been wounded enough that adrenaline had kept him going.

“It looks like your boyfriend does not want to cooperate,” He whispers in my ear, his harsh voice making me shiver. “And how can I motivate him?” His knife stabs my throat, and I feel my neck giving away to the knife. I squeeze my eyes shut as blood trickles down my neck. And I hear a clash, as a sword is thrown to the ground.

“Let her go,” He seethes. “I am of more value to you. Rhysand is your problem, isn’t he?” Azriel says. “He stopped the trafficking of substances, but that is not why you are here, is it?”

“No, Shadow-singer. It is not.” His voice is softer, making me open my eyes again. Confusion clouds my mind. What could this mission be about, if not for piracy? I look at Azriel who stares at the male, his knife still against my throat. “You are coming with me.” And neither I nor Azriel is fast enough to respond to the hit, as we are both knocked unconscious.

. . . . . ╰──╮ ╭──╯ . . . . .

To be added to the Taglists, comment:

All ACOTAR - 🌹

All Azriel - 🥀

All TOG - 🌼

[zwhoreo]

getting high with luffy?

ok so i have never been intoxicated or done any substances in my life so this may be extremely inaccurate, but idc it turned out cute

intoxication - luffy x gn!reader

fluff

summary: while exploring an island, you and luffy accidentally eat a fruit that gives you a mild high

contains: as the name suggests, intoxication (no actual drugs), reader gets some anxiety symptoms at the end

words: 1.3k

________________________

A warm breeze flutters your hair as you follow Luffy through the jungle brush, palm fronds waving above you as you begin your exploration. You have to tell Luffy to slow down, a few times actually, he’s so excited about this lush world you have yet to discover that he’s running and tripping over his feet and you don’t want to lose him.

But he keeps looking over his shoulder in an are you seeing this? and a c’mon, we don’t have all day! sort of smile because he really wants to share this with you.

It’s over waterfalls you go, wading through streams, birds crying overhead. You’re really in such a beautiful place, set loose in the jungle to play as the crew stays back on the beach. The sun is warm and white against your skin and everything feels peaceful but alive.

Luffy has taken to grabbing your hand and dragging you behind him because you’re going too slow. He swings between cliffs from tree limbs with you wrapped in his arms, he’s been loud and you don’t think he’s even blinked in a while because he’s just so excited to look at all the new things around him.

But eventually he starts to whine into your neck that he’s getting hungry. You’re far away from the ship and Luffy seems like he needs to eat something right then or he’ll be uncomfortable, and although you’re usually good at remembering snacks you just didn’t have time to pack them today.

Luffy seems eager to catch one of the wild pigs you’ve seen running through the underbrush but you tell him you’d be better off finding some fruit to eat, there’s a grove next to the waterfall you just crossed.

The wild fruit is the size of the palm of your hand and electric pale blue like a sky through clear water. Luffy climbs the tree immediately and begins to pick them, sitting on a branch precariously, eating messily, but he drops a couple down to you as you stand below.

“These’re real good, [name!]” he chirps, looking at you happily.

“C’mon! Come down and sit by me!” You open your arms for a hug, and Luffy falls from the tree right on top of you, shoving you down into the soft grass.

He sits there on you, still eating his fruit, every so often sticking it down in your face so you can get a bite.

And you’re both happy and content for a few minutes, basking in the sun and the mist of the waterfall and each other’s warmth and closeness.

He begins to feel heavier on you after a few minutes, or maybe, as you soon suspect, it’s just that you’re becoming more aware of your own senses, because everything is brighter and louder and more there. But yet the sky seems to swim so calmly above you, you’re entranced. You feel Luffy’s fingers lazily running up and down your cheek. His face is close to yours now, breath heavy, you’re relaxed and joyful and Luffy’s eyes seem to sparkle even more right now, dark and deep but shining like sunlight piercing an ocean trench. You get lost in him, mouth open and unable to speak. Those eyes get more hooded the longer you stare, glazing over, pupils taking over the iris completely.

He begins to giggle in short, breathy gasps and falls right onto your shoulder, rolling off of you. The pain of the impact itself is strangely dull although the warmth ricochets throughout you. He drones a soft “c’meree…” as drools seeps from the corner of his mouth and he reaches out for you.

Suddenly feeling so clingy you follow his arms immediately, not caring about the dirt on your clothes. His laughter is warm on your face. He gets close enough to nip your cheek which seems to electrify your every limb from the ground up. A dreamlike filter falls on the world around you, Luffy swims in mosaics of the clouds behind him.

Inhibition leaves you and you feel one with Luffy all of a sudden, laughter and joy matching one another, squirming on the ground into each other’s arms, his salty, musky scent becomes so raw and wonderful against your nose all of a sudden. You both want to just fly away.

You can’t really tell what he’s saying but he sounds like the only person in the world. And the birds sound like dinosaurs and the waterfall sounds like a thunderstorm and Luffy’s arms lift you a million light years above the earth, he holds you as he wavers in place, still seeming fascinated by your eyes and your lips like he’s never seen them before, a finger tracing every outline of your face.

“Hehe… pretty…” he slurs, headbutting your neck in slow affection. You grab onto his hair and give his ear a gentle little bite.

So for what seems like a thousand years but also just half an instant you lay there in peace, true relaxation wrapping you in a blanket of muted euphoria. But threads of unease begin to spear at your mind. You don’t really know where you are anymore, all of a sudden. Luffy’s arms feel farther and farther away.

You start to crave the stable reality that’s slipping away.

“Hey… Luffy… I wanna get down…” You begin to wriggle feebly in his embrace and Luffy complains with a sound of drawn out frustration because he really doesn’t want to let go of you.

It’s only when your distress clearly shows in your face that Luffy’s daze is broken. He sets you down and becomes alarmed as he feels your heart pounding beneath his hands. He isn’t able to find any words, though. His mind feels so blank.

You’re getting anxious and your mind, unlike Luffy’s, is so full with every thought you could imagine. You find everything you can to be paranoid about, all at once.

“Luffy? Do you think we’re lost? Do you think the others are looking for us?” You murmur, feeling like your whole world is glass about to shatter.

“Nah, we’re fine, [name!] C’monnn… don’t worry…” Luffy tilts his head and stumbles a bit, trying to take you into his arms again.

You stand very still and close your eyes. The world sings around you but you stay still and breathe very, very slowly. You ground yourself in only the dirt that supports your feet, in the warm breeze that raises hairs on your skin. And Luffy knows that this is important right now, although he doesn’t know exactly why, so he sits down and plucks at the grass nervously and watches you in a wordless silence.

You’re ready and you reach for his hand.

The high is still there, a pleasant hum through your veins and a cloudy mist covering the world, you’re still very aware, but you’re feeling better. You’re more here again. Luffy’s hand is firm and warm in your grasp, he rubs his thumb over your palm. He’s still giving you small kisses every few minutes, unable to hold himself back right now. You link your arm in his at some point as you walk to the ship, needing security, needing something so you won’t float away again, and Luffy holds you eagerly like an anchor in the sea of your dream-filled mind.

And you wonder if maybe you’ll tell Sanji about the fruit, just for future reference.

[kenny-the-ken]

Stoned to the Bone

Just before I start I wanted to write a little disclaimer, in this fic everyone is aged up, they are all 18 and this fic is not suitable for minors!! There are mentions of drugs, alcohol, smut, sexual content, swearing and a lot of innuendos. Also this is my first fic so please be nice ☺️

You sat in the dingy upstairs apartment that you lived in with your boyfriend Kenny. You two had been together from fourth grade and you couldn't imagine your life without your orange parka clad boyfriend with his cute fluffy blonde hair that you loved running your hands through. He'd been out for quite a while now trying to score you guys some MDMA for your house warming party. Everyone that was anyone at South Park High was invited.

Y/N: Kenny, where are you?! Xx

Kenny🧡: Omw now, plug took his sweet ass time. Pour me a drink for coming home, and make sure it's got an extra measure in it! Also, got an ounce of weed, can't wait to smoke up next to you tonight 😉 xx

Y/N: You really do know how to make a girl feel special, huh? I'll see you soon, be safe and remember, if those blue lights appear, never fear, just drop a gear and disappear xx

Kenny🧡: I'm right around the corner babe, don't worry, cops have never caught me this far, I doubt they will now xx

You knew better than to reply to him, he was a quick walker and knew plenty of shortcuts. You both still lived in the shittier part of town, the rent was cheap enough for you both to afford, even if you did both work awful, barely meeting minimum wage jobs.

You heard the door clicking open and then shut, the noise of someone walking up the stairs, and there he was, hood up, a shit eating grin on his face. "Who's ready to get fucked up~?" He sang through the house, before entering the living room and spotting you standing in the adjoining kitchen, pouring him a large glass of vodka and coke, although it may as well have just been vodka. You had one poured for yourself and two shots of tequila lined up for both of you. "Tell me Ken, in all the years we've known each other, when am I not ready to get fucked up?" You answered him, handing him his drink as he sauntered into the kitchen, taking the glass from you and giving you a quick kiss on the head.

"He said this MDMA was top notch shit, straight from Europe! The ounce is Super Silver Haze, so we are set for at least a few days darling." Kenny said, his voice muffled due to his hood still covering most of his face. You smiled at him, even when only his blue eyes were visible, he was the most beautiful guy you'd ever laid eyes on, you swore you got lost in his eyes back in fourth grade and you still haven't escaped the maze yet, not that you were complaining.

"Take your coat off, babe, we can afford heating now!" You said, taking a sip from your own glass and shuddering, vodka did not taste good, but it got you fucked up and that's all that mattered. "If you want me to strip for you babe, you gotta return the favour." Kenny laughed out, unzipping his parka and taking his gloves off. Out of his pocket he pulled a baggy, a rock of pure MDMA sitting in it as he placed it on the kitchen counter. From his larger inside pocket he pulled out the aforementioned ounce of cannabis and sat it down beside the baggy. "Fancy a quick bump to start us off?" He asked, taking out his wallet and a bank card from it, starting to crush the rock inside of the baggy. "Is that even a question?" You winked towards him, coming closer to watch his skilful hands at work. You guys have done anything and everything together, you trip sat each other and knew how most drugs affected you, because let's face it, you guys have tried most. When the rock was finally a fine, yellowish looking powder you could feel the excitement building within you, and Kenny noticed. "Babe, I know you're excited but I'm taking the first hit, if I die from it you know I'll be back tomorrow morning anyway, you on the other hand, that doesn't happen to." He stated, and you knew it was true. He always took the first hit of anything you guys scored, he just wanted you to be safe. You smiled warmly at him. "I love you." You muttered softly, giving him a small kiss on the lips. "I love you too, sugar tits." He smirked before pulling out the key to your shared apartment and placing it into the baggy. He scooped up and balanced a small amount of the powder upon it and placed it to his nose, covering his other nostril and snorting the substance in one go. He then placed the key on the counter, sniffing a few times and then made a face like he was going to be to be sick. "Kenny, what's wrong?!" You asked, hurriedly holding his face as you stared at him. "I'm fine, just that drip, man! That is nasty!" He said, gagging slightly. And he wasn't wrong, you took a quick bump yourself and found that you were soon after gulping down your vodka and coke to try and rid the taste that was emanating at the back of your throat. You noticed Kenny was staring at your tits in the low cut top you wore, your skinny black jeans hugging your figure, and boy could he not tear his eyes away from you. "Like what you see?" You teased, a small smirk on his face. "Y/N, my eyes have been glued to you since fourth grade, of course I like what I see." He joked back, and you knew it was true. You were the only two impoverished kids in school, you basically grew up together. You remembered when Kenny used to steal pads and tampons from the local pharmacy for you when you got your period, and how you used to swipe whatever food you could get away with from the grocery store, you both raised each other. You realised you were fading in and out of reality, the drug starting to take effect. Kenny's pupils were large and round, and you soon found yourself cupping his face with both hands and gazing dreamily into his eyes, a small blush dusting his cheeks. "What's wrong, babe? Love buzz getting to you already?" Kenny flirted, wrapping his long, slender arms around your waist, picking you up and setting your ass on the cold countertop. "I don't know babe, I always feel this in love with you so it's hard to tell." You said, your pupils large too. You felt Kenny bring his lips to yours, biting your bottom lip cheekily, and as a small gasped escaped from you, he quickly slid his tongue into your mouth, a small moan coming from both of you as you both passionately made out. Time stood still till you heard a car pulling up, parking and all four doors slamming.

A knock could be heard at the door and you both already knew it was your friends. You could already hear Eric and Kyle bickering outside and Stan sighing. "Hey, Kenny! Get your dick in your pants and open the door!" Stan shouted through the letterbox as you both reluctantly parted your lips from one another. "You better believe I'm taking that ass straight away as soon as they're either gone, or we're in bed!" Kenny said, a small huff of annoyance at having to wait, and at having to try and conceal his already pre cum leaking cock in his tight jeans. He ran downstairs, opening the door and bowing playfully. "Welcome to my Playboy mansion." He joked, stepping aside to let the guys in.

Your apartment was nothing special, it was still decorated how the previous tenants had it, pale grey walls in the living room with black and silver wallpaper, the kitchen was red with white tiles going round it, and the bathroom was blue with a shower in the corner. Your bedroom was the only place you both could afford to decorate yet, and that was for yours and Kenny's eyes only!

"Sweet apartment guys!" Kyle said, waving to you as you added four more shot glasses to the worktop, filling them with tequila and bringing them out, along with the two you and Kenny had forgotten about. "Here's to best friends, amazing relationships, freedom and getting fucked up guys!" You exclaimed as everyone took a shot glass. "Cheers!" You all said in unison, throwing your heads back to take the shots. You all grimaced at the potent taste and the burning sensation in your throats.

Time felt like an enigma, more people arrived, Wendy, Bebe, Clyde, Craig, Tweak, Butters and more that you weren't even aware were coming. Kenny was in the kitchen chatting with Kyle and Stan about some video game while rolling a blunt. You wandered in, looking at your boyfriend with a smile. He winked at you and patted the countertop, signalling for you to sit beside him. You hopped up as Kyle and Stan took a seat at the table. You could hear Eric laughing at some poor, unfortunate girl in the living room, and you gave your boyfriend that knowing look, like a secret language between you both. He handed the half rolled blunt to you. "You're so good with your hands, think you could finish rolling that for me, baby while I rack us a line each?" He cooed, biting down on his lower lip just to tease you. "You read my mind." You said softly. Kenny hopped off the counter and to the opposite side of the kitchen, his back to you three. "What are you guys on this time?" Stan asked, he didn't particularly like weed, his dad had ruined that for him long ago, but it didn't mean he wasn't fascinated in trying other drugs. Kyle wasn't too sure how to feel, it goes completely against his religion to do any of this, but you're only young once, right? "Purest MDMA in South Park!" Kenny exclaimed. "Straight from Europe, you guys want some?" He asked, turned to face you three, bank card in hand, and two skinny, long lines already racked up for you both. "You know what, I'll do it if you do it, Kyle!" Stan declared, feeling butterflies in his stomach, his nerves always got the better of him. "Yeah, fuck it! It's been a shit week and it's Saturday! Let's make the end of this week amazing!" He said, both boys high giving each other, then turning to fist bump Kenny. He racked two more lines for Stan and Kyle and turned once again to face you all, making deep eye contact with you as you stick your tongue out to like the skin you were rolling the blunt in, sending him a flirty wink, which he gladly smirked back at. "Damn girl, you really gonna tease me like that?" He flirted back, a smile on his face.

Rolling up a bank note he placed it up his nose, snorting the line he prepared for himself. He sniffed again a few times after, rubbing his nose with the back of his hand. "Who's next?" He said, holding up the bank note. "I'll go!" Said Kyle, doing the same thing Kenny did and then coughing slightly afterwards. "It tastes like shit, man!" He shouted, downing whatever drink he had in front of him. "Yeah dude, that's the drip!" You said, laughing slightly before taking the bank note yourself and sniffing the powder in one swift motion. You passed the note to Stan who nervously did the same and reacted almost the same as Kyle. "Just stay away from Wendy for a few minutes dude, the drip makes you wanna throw up and you do that when you're completely sober around her!" Kenny said, laughing slightly before picking you up and spinning your round, his hands wrapped tightly around your waist, your thighs coming up to his sides. "You look so fucking hot right now." He said, kissing you gently before pulling away to stare at you once more. Your cheeks were flushed, a mixture of what Kenny had just said and done and the drugs and alcohol you had taken. He carried you into the living room, Stan and Kyle quickly following, Kenny placed you on the sofa and quickly connected to the speaker, handing you a lighter to spark up your blunt with, you inhaled the thick smoke and exhaled it with a long sigh, you hadn't felt this amazing since the last time you two did MDMA together, and that was one messy night.

The four of you sat and chatted, taking a few bumps here and there while you all smoked the blunt in rotation. It was as if the rest of the party didn't matter. Other people were taking their own drugs, people on ketamine, ecstacy, and god knows what else, it was South Park after all. And they knew you and Kenny didn't give a fuck.

Before you knew it you had finished the entire baggy between the four of you, the party heating up as the place was packed with people. Outside was dark and the street lamps shone brightly. "Hey guys, a new nightclub has opened down the street, it's supposed to be amazing! Wanna go?" Eric shouted loudly over the music. Everyone stared at him, mulling the words over in their fucked up minds. "Fuck yeah! Why not?!" Kenny shouted, turning off the music. "I could dance, let's go guys!"

The walk felt like a blur, you don't even remember how you got there, just how soft Kenny's hand felt in yours as you walked together down the street. The nightclub luckily let you all in without ID, and surprisingly didn't think any of you were on anything. When inside the place was huge, hundreds of people on the dance floor, flashing lights and loud techno music filled the air, this night was turning out to be one to remember. Stan was finally talking to Wendy with enough confidence in his fucked up, MDMA filled brain without throwing up on her, result! Kyle was chatting to some random girl in the corner of the dance floor when you and Kenny heard one of your favourite songs come on, you knew it was a sign from the gods above as the song blasted loudly through the speakers. He took your hand in his, his fluffy blonde hair reflecting the flashing lights in the club, you swore he looked like angel sent from above as he gripped your waist tightly almost scared to lose you as you both started dancing, first giggling and playing around and soon enough grinding against each other needing some sort of contact through the buzz you guys were feeling. Fuck, this felt unreal.

"Kenny." You moaned loudly enough for him to hear. "You like that baby?" He asked, pushing his hard cock against you a bit harder. "And what if I do this?" He whispered into your ear, a long stripe licking up the front of your throat, before his mouth attached to the side of your neck, licking, biting and sucking on the skin that was sensitive when sober, so this felt like you could touch the stars. The song had changed and you still both remained on the dance floor, practically eye fucking each other, hands roaming everywhere, anywhere, just to get some sort of friction.

"Fancy a bump of coke?" He whispered to you, a confused look on your face. "You really think I'd leave us with nothing?" He laughed, as you both, hand in hand made your way to the smoking area, standing at one of the tables. "I'll get us drinks, you crush that shit and I'll be back asap!" He said, pointing to the bar in the smoking area, you just nodded obediently.

You got to work, crushing it up in the baggy and smiling to yourself. You heard Eric shouting behind you with Kyle, Wendy, Stan and Butters. They approached your table, watching you carefully make two thick lines on the table as Kenny came back, two double vodkas in hand, no mixers. "Where'd you all come from?" He joked, handing you your drink and rolling up one of the notes he had received back as change. He snorted it quickly so you all wouldn't get caught and thrown out, you did as he did and giggled slightly after taking it, both of you downing your drinks. "How the fuck are you both not dead?!" Butters shouted loudly, Tweak and Clyde finding your group in the crowd, and all of you chatting among each other. Kenny handed you a cigarette and put one between his lips, lighting it and passing you the lighter, as you lit it you felt an arm snake around your shoulders, pulling you close to his body. You looked up at your boyfriend, giggling to yourself. He whispered something to Stan and Kyle as they all nodded, the music too loud for you to know what they were talking about. They began laughing as Eric too joined in the conversation. "I'm getting some more drinks!" You shouted loudly, as you walked over to the bar, everything spinning round you, boy you loved this feeling, and knowing Kenny felt the same was even better.

You turned around to see Kenny standing a few meters from you, staring at you as you came back to hand him a drink, a soft smile on his face as he stared at you. Fuck, he was the luckiest guy in this club, in South Park, fuck it, in the world to be able to call you his. You both understood each other like no one else did, not even your parents, you guys had been through everything together, and that's why he was going to make sure you were his girl for life. He had a ring back in your apartment and wasn't sure when to propose, but he was going to, just not while you were both fucked up. "I told the guys after this drink that we're gonna go home, my cock and I have some unfinished business to attend to." He said, winking and stealing a kiss from you. "Can we all dance before we go?" You pleaded, and Kenny just simply nodded. "Whatever you'd like, Princess." He said. He knew clubs like this would never end well with a pretty girl on your hip, some other douche always had to press their boundaries, and you were his girl, no one else's.

Your large group headed back to the dance floor, as a throwback banger came on. The first song you guys listened to together at the very first party you had all ever been to, it was like a movie, you all sang (shouted) along, badly. "DON'T YOU WORRY CHILD, SEE HEAVEN'S GOT A PLAN FOR YOU!" You all screaming in unison, dancing like lunatics when the beat dropped. You truly did have the best group of friends that anyone could ask for, and to top it off, the best partner in the entire universe, he little would and has died for you, just to make sure you were safe.

Your eyes became hyper fixated on your partners face as you sang to each other, tears of joy both steaming down your faces. Kenny couldn't believe how beautiful you looked as he turned to give the guys a knowing look, he let go of the grip he had on you and got on one knee, giggling to himself, not even having the ring on his possession. "WILL YOU MARRY ME, Y/N AND MAKE ME THE HAPPIEST GUY IN THE WORLD?!" He shouted and you swore your heart skipped a beat, the guy you got married to in the playground all those years ago now finally asking you for your hand in marriage, together, both of you, together, forever. "OF COURSE I WILL!" You shouted back, as he picked you up, spinning your round with him on the dance floor, all of your friends chanting and cheering loudly.

"Now if you'll all excuse us, I'm gonna go home and fuck my fiancée!" Kenny exclaimed loudly. Everyone erupted into laughter as you both made your way out of the club, not even making it home. Kenny had pinned you against a wall in a dark alleyway, two streets away from the club, one hand gripping your thigh up to his side, the other massaging your boob, his cock already buried deep within you, your moans filled the air, it wasn't long before you were both reaching orgasm together, Kenny chanted your name like a mantra, and you screamed his name loudly, your thighs pulling him as deep inside you as he could manage, his cum painting your insides, both equally as breathless as each other.

"How 'bout we go home, we smoke a fat blunt each, order some takeout and cuddle the rest of the night?" Kenny suggested, a small smile on his lips as he watched you pulling your jeans up, still breathless and legs weak. "That sounds fucking perfect." You replied, giving him a passionate kiss before taking his hand in yours. "You better be careful kissing me like that, baby, you know how high my sex drive is, I'll end up fucking you the rest of the night." He said, a smirk on his face, throwing you a quick wink. "Oh, I'm aware Mr McCormick." You flirted back. "Won't be long till you're Mrs McCormick." He replied, a large and genuine smile on his face, you could see his little tooth gap and your heart soared. You get to spend eternity with the only guy you've ever loved, and if that isn't perfection, I don't know what is.

sorry it was so long!! I really hope you enjoyed it!! I'm gonna try writing some more, so please let me know what you think and if you have any requests, hit me up!!

[fallingforunrealisticromance]

High for love - Sherlock x reader

Request: "Can i request prompt #16 with BBC sherlock please? x"

Prompt: I may or may not be a tiny bit in love with you. Okay maybe a lot in love with you but that's beside the point.

A/N: I am thinking of doing a part two to this if people want? Let me know what you guys think!!

Warnings: Swearing, mentions of drug use.

PART TWO HERE

Word count: 2804.

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You ran your hands through your hair as you paced back and forth in your boyfriends apartment. You didn’t ant to dump him – well no that’s a lie otherwise you wouldn’t be doing it- but your reasoning didn’t feel valid. But surely it was better to cut it off now, rather than stringing him along the whole time? Before you could debate the subject anymore, the keys jangled in the lock and there he was.

‘hi baby’ He smiled as he dropped his bag, walking over to hug you. ‘’god I’ve missed you, work was hell. Julie, you know the one from the dinner party we went to last week, she didn’t do any of here paperwork so we were backlogged the whole day and it’s just insane-‘’

‘’Tom, can you stop for a second?’’ You blurted out, cutting him off.

You saw his brow flinch in confusion as he stepped back slightly at your tone.

‘’Is everything okay?’’ The genuine concern in his voice pulled at your heart strings.

Tom was perfect, he’s everything you could want in a guy. He was kind, compassionate, funny – he’d had you in tears from laughing so hard more times than you could count. You felt so happy when you were with him and you knew you could tell him anything and he would love you all the same. Yet here you were, about to break this poor man’s heart. And why? All because of some stupid detective you’d fallen for months ago.

‘’I need to talk to you about something’’ Your hands shook as you spoke, which of course Tom noticed.

‘’Hey you’re okay, whatever it is you know you can tell me. I’m here for you.’’ His words weren’t making this any easier.

He reached out to take your hands but the thought of him touching you right now made your stomach turn, guilt consuming you. His expression dropped when you moved away from him, clearly on edge now as well.

‘’Y/N?’’ He questioned.

You couldn’t even look at him, opting to stare at your hands instead. You took a shaky breath trying to compose yourself. ‘This is the right thing to do’ You told yourself.

‘’We need to break up.’’

It felt unreal as those words left your mouth. A heavy pause settled across the room, both of you taking in what had just been said. You glanced up at Tom, expecting him to get angry. Instead he just stared at you, a blank expression on his face.

‘’Tom?’’ you asked tentatively.

He just nodded slowly, processing what he had heard.

‘’Okay. Um, wow I wasn’t excepting that’’ He let out a shocked laugh. ‘’What changed? Did I do something?’’

You stepped towards him slightly. ‘’No, Tom, no. You were-are amazing. Truly. I’ve been so lucky to have you in my life. It’s just-‘’

You didn’t even know how to phrase it.

‘’It’s Sherlock.’’ You spat out, your face burning with shame.

You knew you hadn’t cheated, not physically. But the fact you were in love with another man while being in a relationship somehow felt like a bigger betrayal. And Tom deserved better.

‘’Your in love with him, aren’t you?’’ Tom’s voice broke through your thoughts.

You nodded, not sure what words would help the situation. You were waiting for tom to yell, telling you how awful you were before demanding you to leave. But it never came.

‘’I know you love me. That’s evident. But if I’m not the one your in love with, then I can’t stand in the way of that.’’ His tone was soft, deflated almost.

You looked up at him, seeing the sorrow laced in his eyes. It hurt to see.

‘’I’m sorry. I know it might not mean anything to you, but I truly never wanted to hurt you.’’  You said, keeping your voice low.

It almost felt wrong to break the quiet around the two of you.

‘’I know.’’ Was all he said, before hugging you tightly. The two of your stayed like that, holding each other for a while.

‘’Go and tell him then’’ Tom said, sighing slightly as he pulled away.

You chuckled stiffly at his words before grabbing your bag and heading to his door.

‘’I’ll see you around then’’ He called.

You nodded and walked out the door, a few tears welling in your eyes as you closed it behind you. What had you done? You didn’t even know if sherlock liked you back. There was a huge possibility he didn’t, actually it would be the surprise of the century if he did. Sherlock didn’t do feelings, or romantic relationships. He’s more than cable of it, but as he likes to remind you constantly, it only distracts from his work. As you were thinking this, your phone rang. Speak of the devil.

‘’Hello?’’

‘’Ah, y/n, where are you?’’ Sherlocks voice swum through the speakers.

‘’On the way home, what’s up?’’

‘’Me and john are working on a case, come over would you?’’

‘’Sherlock, I’m tired can I just help you guys out tomorrow?’’ As much as you wanted to tell him how you felt, you were worn thin emotionally right now and did not have the energy to face either him or john.

‘’What’s wrong with you? He asked sharply.

‘’Nothings wrong okay, I just want to go home and rest’’ You sighed, slightly annoyed.

‘’y/n I’ve seen you quite literally collapse from exhaustion due to helping us out before’’

‘’well god forbid I start to look after myself’’ you shot back sarcastically.

‘’No what I’m saying is, you being tired has never been an issue before. So why now? Something must be wrong?’’

You rolled your eyes at his words.

‘’Fine if you must know I just broke up with Tom. Yes I’m fine, no I don’t want to talk about it and no he didn’t do anything wrong. Now can we please talk more tomorrow?’’ You snapped, harsher than intended.

There was a pause on the other line.

‘’Did you hear me?’’

‘’What- sorry yes I got distracted. See you tomorrow’’ Sherlocks words were sharp as he hung up the phone before giving you the chance to respond.

You sighed and pocketed your phone, continuing your journey home.

**************************THE NEXT DAY***********************

You jolted upright, your eyes having no time to focus as your head whipped round searching for the cause of the noise that had disrupted your sleep. Eventually you fumbled around enough to find your phone, clicking the answer button before reading the name of the caller.

‘’What?’’ You said, your voice sounding groggy.

‘’Hello Y/N’’ A familiar voice replied.

But not one you heard often. Something was wrong.

‘’Mycroft?’’ You eyes widened, suddenly alert. ‘’What’s going on? What’s happened?’’

You heard the older Holmes sigh through the phone.

‘’My brother went missing earlier tonight and-‘’

‘’WHAT? Where is he? Is he hurt? Oh my god right I’m coming over-‘’ You scrambled to get out of your bed, dropping the phone in the process.

‘’Shit’’ You threw yourself over the side of the bed to grab it. However, you miscalculated how close you were to the edge and promptly fell off with a rather loud thud as you landed in a crumpled heap next to your phone.

‘’Ow’’ You grumbled before finally picking your phone back up. ‘’Hello? Are you still there?’’

‘’Are you quite alright? That was an awful lot of noise’’ Mycroft asked, sounding more agitated then worried but that didn’t surprise you.

‘’Yep, yes all fine. Now where the hell is sherlock? Shouldn’t you be out looking for him instead of calling me?’’

‘’Well as I was saying before you interrupted me, we’ve already found him. He’s been taken back home and is currently with John.’’ Mycroft continued.

You furrowed your brow in confusion.

‘’Then why are you calling me? You do know it’s literally 3 in the morning. I was sleeping’’ You shuffled on the floor so you could lean back up against your bed, still feeling the tiredness wash over you.

‘’He may be home but he isn’t exactly…well, sober’’ The unease was evident in Mycroft’s tone as he spoke.

Even though he would probably deny it at any turn, he cared for sherlock deeper than he’d ever cared for anything. As did sherlock for Mycroft. They truly wouldn’t be the same without each other, even if they were both too stubborn to admit to it.

‘’What can I do?’’ You said with a sigh.

‘’Go and talk to him. He seems to trust you. Possibly even more than he does john Find out why he’s using again’’

You held your head in your hands. You hated seeing sherlock high. It hurt you to see him resort to such methods. Even if it was for a case. That man was willing to dance with death in order to prove he’s right about something.

‘’Okay’’ You replied reluctantly.

‘’There will be a car outside for you. Update me as soon as you can.’’ And with that, he hung up.

You took a few minutes to compose yourself, before getting up. You decided against getting changed, you figured showing up in some plaid pyjama trousers and the black vest top you’d fallen asleep in would suffice. You grabbed a jacket before slipping on your trainers and heading out of your flat. Sure enough when you got to the lobby of your apartment building, there was a sleek black car waiting to take you to Baker Street.

The whole ride there you were thinking about what to stay. I mean what exactly are you mean to say to someone who’s probably higher than the Eiffel tower right now. Even now as you stood waiting for someone to open the door, you were coming up empty.

‘’Oh y/n hello dear!’' '

’Mrs. Hudson greeted you warmly as she opened the door for you. ‘’Hi Mrs. Hudson. How are you?’’ You smiled at her.

You’d always been rather fond of her. She was endlessly kind towards you, welcoming you with open arms without any hesitation.

‘’I’m good thank you. You haven’t been round in a while. Come in, come in. We don’t need you freezing on the doorstep now do we.’’ She ushered you in closing the door behind you.

‘’No, I know things have been a bit mental at work lately, I’ve been meaning to swing by. I’m sorry it has to be in the middle of the night. I’m sure you don’t appreciate being woken up by all this.’’ You gesture up the stairs as you spoken.

She just shook her head. ‘’Nonsense darling, I don’t mind at all. You’re welcome at any time. As for Sherlock, well all I can say is at least he isn’t shooting my wall to pieces again.’’ She chuckled as she spoke. ‘’You’d better get up there, see if you can talk any sense into him’’

You nodded, looking towards the stairs ‘’Yeah, I guess. I’ll see you in a bit’’ You took a deep breath, before walking upstairs.

Sherlock must have heard you because suddenly you heard his voice calling your name rather excitedly. You went to open his door but he’d clearly got there before you, flinging it open. ‘

’Y/n, you’re here! John look, it’s y/n’’ Sherlock grinned at you, his eyes wide.

‘’Yeah I can see that, I’m not blind’’ john retorted from behind the detective.

‘’Hi’’ You said, chuckling nervously.

‘’You’re bloody amazing you know that?’’ Sherlock said.

You went to reply but were cut off by Sherlocks arms wrapping around you, pulling your body close to his as he rested his head on your shoulder. You let out a gasp as your arms hung awkwardly by your side. What the fuck had he taken? Just as quickly as the hug had begun, it was over as he pulled away from you still smiling. He turned and walked back into his apartment, focusing on some paper work spread out on his desk. You just stood there, a shocked expression smacked across your face.

‘’You okay there?’’ John asked, shaking you slightly. You blinked at him before nodding your head.

‘’What has gotten into him? Well drugs apparently, but he’s never normally this…’’

‘’Happy? Elevated? Fucking insane?’’ john suggested, looking over at the man who was now in a heated discussion with a skull that he kept on the fireplace.

‘’Yeah. I mean usually when he’s been caught high, he’s all grumpy and just curls up in a ball probably hoping we all shut up and leave him alone. But this, this is new’’

‘’are you saying you prefer the moody, short tempered bastard version of these events?’’ John asked raising an eyebrow at you.

You watched Sherlock move around the flat rather erratically, a feeling of discomfort forming a pit in your stomach.

‘’I don’t know yet’’ You replied honestly.

‘Ah y/n, come here’’ Sherlock waved you over to him, where he was now sat back down at his desk.

You shrugged your jacket off walking over to him, leaning against the desk.

‘’You need something?’’ You asked him, folding your arms.

He broke his gaze away from his laptop, looking up at you. His eyes took their time gazing over your figure making you shuffle nervously under his stare.

‘’You truly are beautiful you know.’’ His words sounded so genuine, you were taken a back. ‘’Anyway, I needed to ask you something but I forgot what it was. I’m sure it’ll come back to me’’ And with that, he shrugged and immediately went back to typing away on his laptop.

You just stared down at him. Sherlock never complimented you, or if he did the most you got was a short ‘’well done’’ or ‘’good job’’. He had never commented on your appearance, only ever on your work and he had most certainly never called you beautiful.

‘’AH’’ Sherlock clapped his hands together, making you jump. ‘’that’s what I was going to say, I remember now. It’s not a question mind you.’’ You rolled your eyes, slowly getting more agitated.

‘’What was it then?’’

‘’I may or may not be a tiny bit in love with you. Okay maybe a lot in love with you but that’s besides the point’’

For about the third time that night, you were stunned to silence. What. The. Fuck. There was no way you had just heard him say that.

‘’I need a drink do you want anything?’’ Sherlock asked as he got up and walked to the kitchen.

That’s when reality hit you. He didn’t mean it, he was high. It was just the drugs elevating his mood. He cared for you, you knew that. But now with whatever he’s taken he clearly thinks he loves you But he doesn’t. He’s made it perfectly clear in the past how he feels about love and relationships. Maybe he’d picked up that you had feelings for him and was now using them against you as some kind of joke? It wouldn’t surprise you. You’re heart sank as you faced the reality of the situation.

‘’Fuck you man’’ You mumbled as you moved yourself away from the desk.

‘’What?’’ Sherlock turned to see you with your back to him, standing by the sofa. ‘’Was that to me?’’

‘’Well it sure as shit wasn’t to john’’ You snapped, running your fingers through your hair.

‘’What did I do?’’ Sherlock asked. For the first time this evening, he looked sober. He looked like him again.

‘’You know what you did, you prick. Look it might be all a joke and funny to you now because you decided to go and inject fuck knows what into your body yet again – but the way I feel is not something I’m letting you mess with. Not anymore.’’ You grabbed your jumper, throwing it on before heading to the door.

‘Y/n wait please-‘’

‘’Make sure to tell Mycroft what you took. He wants to know’’ You said before heading down the stairs and rushing out the door, tears slipping down your face.

Your phone rang in your pocket. You knew it was sherlock and you had no interest of talking to him. Not now, or any time soon. First Tom, and now this. You were exhausted and you didn’t want to deal with any men for the foreseeable future. But part of you wondered, what if he’d meant it? Was there any way he truly could love you? You shook your head dismissing your thoughts. No, he wasn’t thinking straight. By the morning he probably won’t even remember what it is he said to you. What a fun conversation that would be. But you would deal with that later. For now all you wanted to do was go home, curl up, fall asleep and forget about the rather handsome detective.

[nicascurls]

Breaking The Dollhouse - Chapter Seven

Word Count: 3.3K

Summary: What would have happened if Junior survived and was taken by Tiffany from the hospital? What would that mean for Junior and Nica over the next year?

Notes: Yes, I know. I'm awful at consistent updates, these may be slow but i promise i will not be stopping for good any time soon. There is still a lot of this story to go. Also, it's GG's birthday today, so this chapter is dedicated to them!

Tags: @barclaysangel @streets-in-paradise @fairchilds-glasses @high-functioning-fang1rl

“I win.” Junior announced once again with a triumphant smile.

“Again?! I knew I was out of practice but this is just embarrassing!” Junior had stumbled across a pack of playing cards as he was ‘exploring’ the week before, Tiffany had grown used to Junior being more fidgety after having to stay hidden when the twins visited, since Tiffany still seems to think that it isn’t the ‘right time’ to introduce them. It certainly isn’t a lie, Junior still dreads being cooped up in his room for multiple days as the twins visit, he doesn’t blame them, only Tiffany. If Tiffany is so focused on keeping him and Nica for that matter, hidden from them, maybe they are actually pretty decent people, he’s never heard them mention Chucky. Maybe they disowned him or something and are being fooled by their mother the way he was. 

The only time Junior can leave his room during those visits is when everyone is in bed and he can sneak out to see Nica. He wishes he could do more than that, that’s the main reason why he feels the need to wonder around more after the visits. Those visits continue to remind Junior of just how trapped his mom and him are, how desperately he needs to find a way for both of them to escape. They had been there for months now and Junior had memorised almost every inch of the house's interior and is still no closer to finding a way out. 

As a small plus, Junior does at least find more things of use, even if that is just entertainment. Like the playing cards that he and Nica had made great use of over the past week. 

“Right, come on. One more game before we get some sleep, I need to redeem myself.” Nica claimed with a smile as she gathered up the cards. Junior only gave her a judgemental look in response, “Winning one game is enough to redeem yourself after losing for a week straight?” 

“Obviously! Now, you shuffle for us, I'm still kinda sluggish right now. I think Tiffany gave me a higher dose this morning.” Nica suppressed a yawn as she passed the deck over to the boy.

“Excuses, excuses.” Junior joked as he began to shuffle, “Aren’t you supposed to be the one to tell me we need to sleep as I insist on another game? You know, set a good example for me and all that?”

“Probably. But were also being held hostage by a woman who willingly married Chucky. I’m pretty sure Oogie Boogie would seem like a good influence in comparison.”

Junior let out a chuckle as he began to deal the cards once again, he knew Nica didn’t want to risk falling asleep whilst the drugs were still affecting her. He wasn’t sure exactly why, he’s assuming it’s to do with her time in mental hospitals but was never quite brave enough to ask. He didn’t want to risk bringing up bad memories for Nica, Junior just wants to make sure she’s okay. 

“Um- Mom?”

“Yeah, honey?” Nica tried to suppress the buzz of excitement at being called ‘mom’ once again. 

“Are you starting to feel better, now? With how much she drugged you? Like- do you know what day it is?” Junior couldn’t help but worry, reverting back to his early tactics when he first began talking to Nica. 

“Yeah. Yeah, I'm okay, just waiting for the last of the fog to go. It’s uh- Sunday, right?”

“Monday. May 21st.”

Something in Nica’s eyes seemed to change for a moment then, she looked distant, almost haunted. “Monday, okay…” She took a deep breath and composed herself once again, but Junior couldn’t ignore it.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Junior had noticed the way Nica’s eyes were shining with tears that had begun to well up.

She sniffled slightly before answering, “Yeah, I'm- I'll be fine. It’s just-” She took another breath to help steady her voice, “It’s Alice’s birthday tomorrow. She would have been thirteen.”

“Oh.” it felt as if that was all Junior could say. Instead, he opted to gather up the cards and quickly set them aside before moving to sit next to Nica, gently resting his head on her shoulder as a form of comfort. It managed to pull a small smile to Nica’s face as she wrapped an arm around Junior’s shoulder and held him closer, brushing her thumb against his shoulder.

They’re not sure how long they stayed like that, Nica couldn’t focus on much at all. Her mind was consumed by different scenarios and ‘what if’s, all the things she could have done, even slightly differently, that just might have saved her niece's life. 

Nica could remember joking with Ian about how he and Barb would cope when Alice became a teenager, if they would struggle, especially with Barb's constant claims of Nica already being a ‘bad influence’ on Alice. Nica herself could just never picture it. Not then, or now. She couldn’t for the life of her imagine Alice as a teenager, that was part of the pain. Something she once thought she would get an answer to without even realising it would now never be answered, Alice would never change from that cheerful, curious, little girl that lived in her memories. She would always be that innocent little girl who would run to her Auntie Nica’s arms every time they were reunited.

The same one that was scared of ya.

Stop it. You manipulated her!

She had already decided when I found her again!

She was confused because of what you did!

“Mommy and daddy are dead. Auntie Nica killed them.”

“Just shut the fuck up!” Junior instinctively flinched and Nica’s tone and it suddenly sunk in that she had spoken out loud.

“I’m sorry! I’m so sorry honey. It- I didn’t mean to snap, it wasn’t directed at you.” She wanted to reach out, stroke his hair or pull him close but was also terrified of frightening him again. She had scared him, she knew that, and hated it.

“I know… It’s okay, it just startled me. What was he saying?”  She took a deep breath. “Just- a whole load of bullshit. You know how he is…” 

With that, Junior decided it was best not to pry, Nica had gotten used to dealing with Chucky’s comments, even mastered the art of responding to him without saying anything out loud. Unfortunately, that also meant that it must have been something awful for Nica to snap enough that she spoke out loud without realising it. Nica herself was still quiet, Junior could tell that she was trying to keep her emotions hidden, the same way she would stay silent around Tiffany as she rambled, fearful that if she didn’t she would drop the act of believing she was dismembered and kill her right then and there with her bare hands. She couldn’t do that, no matter how bad either of them wanted it. They would have nowhere to go, Nica could try and clear her name but she would have no chance of that if she killed ‘Jennifer Tilly’ in cold blood. 

It was strange, Junior never thought he would have wanted a sibling, sure he felt lonely growing up and he liked spending time with Jake when they were little kids, but he always knew that if he had had a sibling, it would have just been more comparisons made by his dad. More competition and training, a constant battle for validation from his father. Yet, hearing the way his adoptive mother spoke of her niece, he knows it would have never been like that, a part of him hopes that they would have gotten along. Granted, if Alice was anything like her aunt, he’s sure they would have. He can’t help but imagine how different his upbringing would have been if Nica had been found innocent in her trial and adopted her niece, from what he knows, Alice may as well have been her daughter anyway. Would he have still met Nica? A part of him wished that Chucky was lying, was it possible for Chucky to show Nica things he imagined and pass them off as memories? Maybe Alice could have gotten away, she was safe and hiding somewhere, maybe started going by a different name and is in a random foster home somewhere...

His thoughts were interrupted by Nica taking a deep breath, the kind he had grown accustomed to hearing when Tiffany would leave the room. As if her emotions that were fighting to get out had finally stopped pushing on the door, for better or worse.

“Right,” she sighed out, “Would you like one more game or would you rather just get some sleep, Junbug?”

“Uh, I think I would just like to get some sleep if you don’t mind.”

“Not at all, honey.”

As he lay down and began to allow sleep to take over his senses, he couldn’t help but worry about his mom. He could ignore the feeling that she was trying so hard to avoid becoming like her own mother that she would end up hurting herself even more. She was so devoted to making sure that he was okay and staying strong for him that she was fighting all her grief and suffering on her own as well as fighting his grief and trauma alongside him. He had to do something, help her in some way, let her know that she’s allowed to struggle as well. That’s when the idea struck him, and calmed those worries enough for him to drift off to sleep. 

Where the fuck was she?!

Junior was sure he must have checked almost every room in the house by now and yet no sign of Tiffany. It didn’t make sense, she hasn’t left the house since she brought him and Nica here, and she wouldn’t have gone to ‘visit’ Nica without telling him. But the only explanation she had given was that she just had to ‘take care of something’. He half debated going to check on Nica but it was far too risky without knowing where Tiffany was and what direction to listen out for her. 

That was when he heard it, the faint noise of Tiffany’s signature cackle, he focused on the sound, following it intently to find his captor. Before he came face to face with that door, the one other door Tiffany told him to stay away from after Nica’s room. Which luckily, had stopped being off limits after it was clear to her how well he had been getting along with her ‘girlfriend’.

His curiosity got the better of him, he had to know what she was doing in there, was it more voodoo stuff. Maybe she was helping Chucky again, and decided to give him another chance considering that part of him was still possessing the woman Tiffany had ‘fallen for’. 

There was another voice, but it definitely wasn’t Chucky, it was a female voice, one too small and muffled for him to make out the words through the door. It wasn’t long before he heard the familiar clicking of Tiffany’s stilettos and he rushed, at least as quickly as his heart would let him before resuming his place on the couch as if he had never moved. 

Tiffany was already drunk, Junior figured he had half an hour tops before she passed out this time, that's when he would investigate. And like clock work, he watched as Tiffany clumsily placed her wine glass down as her eyelids began to droop. He gave it another five minutes just to be sure that she was out before retracing his steps to the room, his precious kitchen knife in hand. 

He hesitated briefly once he was there, debating whether he should knock. He doesn’t know why, surely no one would be in there unless they had to, so he decided to skip that part and start picking the lock. He soon heard the triumphant click and slowly pried the door open and to his confusion, saw a room nothing like the one Nica was placed in. Strange. He was so sure he heard a voice, he expected the same layout as another bedroom but this seemed to be no more than a storage room. Random boxes and items coated in dust was all he could see, there had to be something he was missing. 

“Hello?�� Junior fought hard to keep his voice as steady as possible, if there was someone in there with him, he couldn’t let them know he was afraid. He was beginning to think he had imagined that mystery voice earlier, he was just being paranoid when there was an almost inaudible response.

“Who- who’s there?” Unlike his own, this voice had been unsuccessful at hiding the fear in it, or maybe the owner wasn’t even trying.

“Where are you?” Junior called out a little louder, still on edge but more determined now. 

“In the cage- under the sheet in the back of the room.”

Junior’s eyes instantly landed on a faded sheet covering something that, at first glance, he would have never guessed to be a cage. The shape seemed too big and an unusual size for something similar to the kind of animal cages he had seen in the past but also too small for a human to fit, except maybe a small child. Oh gods, please not a child!

Junior steadied his trembling hand as it wrapped around the sheet in front of him, and drew in one more deep breath before pulling it clean away. 

For a moment, he was frozen by the dozens of questions racing through his head, trying to settle on which one he should ask first. It was a cage, a huge, shining gold, old-fashioned bird cage and, somehow, that was the most normal thing that was unveiled. Sitting inside, on a lining of newspaper with a small desk behind her littered with letters and a cheque book was a doll. Another goddamn living doll, but this one seemed different, she looked almost the same as the lookalike Tiffany doll that human Tiffany had placed in the truck with the Good Guys last November. Except this one had a large wound on the side of her head with stitches holding it closed and an unmistakable look of fear in her eyes, the kind that could not be faked. Besides all those dolls from the truck burned up, fried by the explosion after Andy Barclay drove the vehicle off of Hackensack Gorge, taking himself with it. 

Junior couldn’t ignore the pang of guilt that took over, he had tried to warn him, and he should have listened.

“Wh- who are you?” Junior asked, desperately trying to push through the regrets that were filling his head. The doll’s eyes hadn’t left him once, still wide and afraid as ever.

“I’m Jennifer, Jennifer Tilly!��� She rushed on with her explanation before Junior could respond, “I know how that sounds but the woman keeping me here, she’s an imposter! Her name is-”

“Tiffany Valentine.”

“Yes! It’s the truth, I swear it!”

Junior held his hands up in mock surrender, “I know, I believe you. She’s trapped me here too.” With that, Jennifer finally began to calm down, at least temporarily, before some mix of a sob and a laugh escaped her plastic lips, “You know who she is. You believe me and you found me!”

Junior gave a sheepish grin as he lowered himself to sit by the cage, hesitantly placing the fingers of his right hand through the gaps.

“I’m Junior, by the way. How long have you been down here?”  Jennifer took a moment to think as she reached a small plastic hand to hold his fingers as a substitute for a handshake. 

“Oh, I couldn’t tell you exactly. Since my babies were born, that's when she switched our souls. Do you know anything about them? My babies? Are they safe?”

“Glen and Glenda? The twins? I think so, I haven’t met them but they visit once a month. I think they’re doing well…”

There it was, the first smile Jennifer had given it what felt like years, maybe it had really been that long. There was so much more they both wanted to ask but they were interrupted by a distant crash, no doubt Tiffany knocking her wine glass to the ground in her sleep. Both prisoners tensed up, “Kid, you have to get out of here. If she finds you-”

“I know, but I'll come back later, when she’s asleep I promise. I still have a lot of questions.”

“Okay, be careful!”

“I will.” Junior gave her one last apologetic smile before draping the sheet back over the cage. 

Breathe, in and out. Nica had to keep reminding herself of that, to focus on that and the birds moving back and forth, taunting her from the other side of the glass. Somehow that was more bearable than her hunger, the fog around her brain from the drugs and the unbearable itching of the dress she was forced to wear. Luckily, in Tiffany’s obviously still tipsy state, she had forgotten to draw the curtains over one of the windows, so once again watching the world go by became Nica’s source of entertainment as she waited for Junior to pick the lock. 

Anything to distract her from thinking about things that should have happened on this day, including spoiling her niece rotten- No! Focus on the birds, she could just about watch them from this distance as they hop around under the glow of the outside lights. It was nice in a way, being able to see once again that there is life outside of the cage she is currently trapped in, it helps to remind her to keep going, that Junior could have a future still-

Speaking of, the familiar sound of the lock being pried open started once again. Except Junior did not confidently burst in as he had begun doing, in fact he lingered just outside of the room, almost as if he was hiding behind the door. A brief flash of terror struck through Nica as the idea came to her that maybe Tiffany had found them out and was threatening Junior from the shadows. 

However, that fear quickly evaporated as Junior gave his signature half smile,

“Sorry i’m later than usual, I uh-” He slowly entered the room carrying an unopened box of brownies with him, “I was trying to see if there were any kind of cakes in the kitchen but these were the closest thing that I could find. I just thought that, even if Alice isn’t with us, it is still her birthday. I thought you might still want to celebrate her…”

Nica couldn’t stop a few tears from overflowing at Junior’s explanation, she hadn’t celebrated her niece’s birthday since the last time she spent one with her. She didn’t allow herself to celebrate it when she was in Lochmoor, the hypnosis had started taking effect and she told herself she didn’t deserve to be involved in any way. Not that she would have been allowed to do much. 

“Yeah, I would like that…” It was barely more than a whisper, “I think she would have wanted us to as well, not to mention how happy she would have been. She preferred brownies over cake anyway.”

Junior allowed his smile to spread a little further across his face as she pulled two brownies out of the box. The whole experience was bittersweet but Nica couldn’t have been more grateful for it, Junior even had them quietly sing happy birthday and yet, something was still so clearly on Junior’s mind.

“Is everything okay, Junbug?” 

“Yeah, mom. Uh- look. I know it’s kinda shitty timing, and I don’t want to ruin Alice’s day or anything but it’s pretty urgent…”

“Don’t worry about that, honey. What’s the matter? Are you sick?” She instinctively placed a hand over his forehead.

“No, I’m fine but, remember when we were trying to figure out why Tiffany and Jennifer don’t switch like you and Chucky do?”

“Yeah..?”

“I’ve found out why.”

[cthonic-bunny]

Hi!! what do you think of mars in cancer in the 12th house of the composite chart? what is the relationship dynamic like?

Do not interact if you are a minor. (18+)

For cancers mars in the composite chart, I feel like you guys are very private about your problems. With it being placed in the 12H, these reallllllly emphasizes the need to keep issues private. You guys could be the type to pull off that everything’s fine between you two in front of others, acting normal and civil until you are alone and can discuss problems further. I feel like passive aggressiveness can be common here too. I feel like arguments can start off calm, but the moment there’s anything that resembles lack of honesty or avoidance, the crab claws can come out. I feel like you guys might have a high expectation of one another when things are serious, so lying and manipulation tactics are deeply discouraged. I think you guys are really empathetic with one another and super in tune, and can psychologically feel when the other is going to be irritated by something. You can also be very in tune with nurturing each other’s bodies during intimate acts, and with the 12H influence, it’s like you can mentally speak to one another through your eyes alone about your preferences and sensations. If this relationship turns sour, I feel like there’s a large possibility of gaslighting, manipulation, and control. I think it Can get pretty stabby where you guys might say things just with the intention of hurting the other. with mars in 12H synastry, i noticed that there could be many instances where you’re about to have sex but something stops it from happening. This could be the case for the composite as well, but i imagine once it does happen it feels life altering and deep and beautiful. cancer can be territorial and possessive over those they love, so once the sex does happen, I feel like you two may have instantly become protective over one another. You fiercely demand loyalty from one another. Maybe certain abstract feelings that are difficult to adequately verbalize can be better conveyed during acts of intimacy. I don’t think you’d be scared to deep dive into one another once the bond has deepened, and you can come out of your shells together without judgments. I think this has the potential for feelings of unconditional love and willingness to defend each other no matter what if negative aspects aren’t acted on. If you have kids together, I feel like you’ll be extremely protective to them and both not trust anyone to take care of them like you two. I feel like you might be the types to really put lots of efforts into the creative and psychological development of your children. I feel like there’s less of an inclination for drug use and floating off into the cosmos with this particular 12H placement, and you guys can be more grounded than other signs may be in the 12H. I think this is the type of placement that is super ride or die if established and secure. “I will go to jail for you before throwing you under the bus.” You will support one another even if they are DEAD wrong. The passion between you two when you’re alone and in a safe space will feel overwhelming, but in a nice way. Like “let’s take full advantage right now.” I think there’s possibility of experimenting with one being dominant and the other submissive. Daddy/mommy kink? 👀 i feel like you two were probably very shy with one another at first, or felt nervous until you guys got to know each other better. “Cat got my tongue.” Extreme awareness of the others existence and trying to send subliminal messages to each other about your attraction to them. “Who is going to make the first move.” If poorly aspected, I feel like there can be some resentment or weirdness when it comes to showing vulnerability. “I have the vibe you can probably hurt me in the future so i have no confidence in pursuing this even if all seems perfect with you.” Unexplainable suspicion of the other in some contexts. Probably needing a lot of reassurance or reminders that you feel passionately for them. In newer relationships I feel like you might be scared of “annoying them” in a sense. Sensitivity to each other’s reactions. Try not to take the other’s bad moods personally.

[kaiasky]

What was your salvia experience like?

Interesting. Drug talk under the cut.

I wouldn't recommend salvia w/o like, considering if it is Right For You, because I know a number of people who've had absolutely abysmal times with it, even when done in good conditions. That said, I personally really enjoyed it and never had a bad experience with it the ~10 times I did it (usually a few trips per night). I stopped doing it for the same "hmm, I feel like my beliefs are getting disconnected from reality and I don't want to continue that" reason I stopped doing other drugs.

I'm going to paste some shit that i wrote after the first time i did salvia, because i think it's really funny how unhelpful it is, and then I'll try and explain those more. This was written October 2021 after a night of taking hits of 5x concentrated salvia, and as you'll be able to tell i was fully in the swing of Narrative Bullshit:

---

I'm not a fan of smoking any drug but. salvia smoke is hot and sucks. [AN: would highly recommend a bubbler of medium size to cool down the smoke.]

It's not a particularly euphoric high, so it definitely feels like it could be bad if you have bad trips. I think the easy way to think of it is, it's basically whippits but for ur brain instead of ur body. [AN: e.g, disassociative feelings]

The body high is a heavy feeling--you could move your body if you had to, but why would you? wouldn't it be better to drift away? It's pretty easy to trip kill by moving a bit. Touch, motion keeps you grounded, so if you want to come down you just wiggle your fingers, touch the world around you. if you want to get high you get comfy and relax. It feels pretty controllable, like I've pulled the ripcord a few times when I wanted the feelings to chill out a bit, which is pretty nice (compared to like acid you can't "get normal" at will, and why I don't think lighter doses would particularly need/benefit from tripsitting. Bear in mind that this may not be a universal experience idk)

[AN: Borderline effects: hands shaking, colors look flat, a strong urge to sit down and close your eyes. When I tried taking a dose and then keeping my eyes open, I just felt kinda weird and uncomfortable for a minute.]

[AN: with eyes closed:] Geometry folds in on itself and a strong feeling of being pulled sideways or backwards, wheeling around, or your body sorta smearing away from you.

Alright. we gotta talk about the clowns. Clowns and other circus performers do make an appearance, as advertised, but classy clowns, not scary ones. I think that's why people in trip reports call them jesters, but it's definitely a circus vibe imo. I don't really know why but like. it feels deeply correct that this is the clown drug. I know that sounds fucking stupid.

The feeling is very much about performing and interstitial states, and verbs being the base thing of existence (like. Normally you can have man, and you can have a man running. But what if instead, you could have "running" and "a man running" but not really "a man" without a verb) That's why clowns are so good because they highlight that existence is performance that "to be" is a verb with many layers. To be a clown (noun) is indistinguishable from clownery (verb).

If don't particularly approve of the gender politics of salvia.

Very common to feel like "oh I need to tell xyz" but multiple layers of people who need to be told things. (I need to tell yall about telling the narrator about telling the wind about the eternal farmers I saw, spinning their merry way around the field of the universe).

Sensory experiences feeling fresh and new. The comedown is full of feeling sensory things and thinking "I was maybe put on earth to think about touching carpet, this is what I am for, born anew as I am now, to explore the carpet and to tell myself about the experience of touching the carpet. And to tell myself a story about how I was put on earth to touch carpet."

Acid music isn't as good, it just feels so complicated that my brain tuned it out. I think simple music that carries you along narratively is what you want--soundtrack music and stuff.

Obviously like. These are impossible to separate from what I expect of salvia and who I am as a person so take with a heavy grain of salt. Narrativizing myself is a very me thing, clowns is something I read online to expect.

---

So yeah. I think the biggest effect was feeling "lost" from myself and getting totally engrossed in what felt like many layers of a story. As an example like, I see a book unfolding and the pages start telling me a story of a fisherwoman on a lake, and she gazes into the lake and sees a delinquent teen smoking on a park bench, and the teen dreams of a giant switchboard that's alive. and the giant switchboard feels something grand and incredible and it [me] wants to hold onto it. we need to tell this to our husband when we get home from fishing--no wait, our friends at high school--no wait, who are we again??

It is definitely less euphoric than a serotonin psychedelic. As a baseline I'm uncontrollably euphoric on acid, and the pervading emotion of salvia for me was a kind of beautiful, contemplative melancholy. the dark souls of drugs, thematically. I would expect that if you're baseline less-of-a-happy-camper on other psychedelics then salvia might just be extremely unpleasant without the beauty or contemplation feelings.

Physically, it was a mix between stunningly pleasant and strikingly uncomfortable. The feeling of 'getting pulled apart' or 'reality flipping inside out' can be extremely weird and off-putting OR kinda exhilarating, but I liked the heavy relaxed feeling a lot.

The visuals salvia were really interesting to me. They're less detailed and pattern-y than a classical psychedelic (less whirling patterns and fractals) and more dreamlike. A lot of soaring over a landscape, or drastic changes of scale. It felt like I could control them the same way you might be able to lucid dream, by making 'suggestions' that my brain could run with. "We're zooming down endless green hills [conscious thought: but what's that? a castle on the horizon?!] we zoom into the castle, across it's countless parapets and towers, and into..."

(I'm happy to expand on anything or answer further questions, etc.)

---

as a final part i will paste excerpts from things i have written about salvia experiences, shortly after having them:

I met the embodiment of capitalism it was offices and piers and shipping containers that formed into a face on a throne. the ground dropped away from me and I started falling/being drawn toward the face. my body was spinning but my sight was unchanging and locked on the shifting face. and I started to get pulled apart and turned into components but then my headphones said "low battery" so I lost the vision.

Then I saw like a really cool anime opening for a mech anime where mech was being assembled in orbit. pieces snapped together like magnets and hovered a few mm apart like superconducting magnets levitating. it was cool

hilbert curve dandelions. also i owned a haunted fungal mansion in the dandelion dimension but I couldn't find it. too many dandelions.

I was the primordial sports ball. like if u imagine every sentence you could write about sports it is essentially the same. the goalie blocks the shot. the hockey player slaps the puck. the archer looses the arrow. they're all subcases of the primordial sentence "the [sportsman] [triumphs upon] [the sportsball]" (we must accept that salvia as it exists in my head is a very jungian-by-way-of-jordan-peterson drug and move on. im working on it dw). U might think that it is impossible to be the sportsball but think of sentences like "the safety tackles the running back". sometimes you can slide into being the sportsobject even if you are a person. and that's what I did. i one-electron-theoried the entire narrative space of sportsball.

[dearlymrme]

Hi! For the prompts list, could you do 131 with Papa Secondo? I love the idea of him being really soft with his partner when he’s in private (or when he’s high because let’s be real he steals primos stash after a long day of papa-ing), and I think it’s a great prompt for some fun and funky Papa Pitbull content

Thank you for the ask! It was absolutely fun to write. We need more soft Secondo. I have only been high and felt serious effects twice. The first time, it made me feel so comfortable, and the sensation that my whole skin was wrapping me in a warm hug. The second time was from vaping and gave me uncontrollable laughter to the point my stomach was cramping, and I got five minute abs.

Cherry Poppers (Secondo x Reader)

Secondo x Reader || Recreational Drug Use || Age Difference || Daddy Kink || Innocence Kink || WC: 3031

His brothers call him a cradle robber, but neither of them are much better. Primo's wife is thirty years younger than him, and Terzo's current lover is twenty below. Your age doesn't matter much to him, but it does play a part. It's also about the fact that you are very inexperienced. Your friends had called you a prude, you didn't drink, you didn't party, you didn't even jaywalk, brought up by your mother to be afraid of damn near everything that was fun, that was wild and 'outrageous'.

You had realized that you lived your life under a gaslighter and got away. You needed a place to stay to get your life in order, support from people that would encourage you to live. You made new friends, and while you may not have made satanic vows yet, you certainly threw away your old ones. Then you met him. Your innocent but charismatic and eager sense to behold everything labeled 'evil' is what attracted him. Despite being the most inexperienced little swimmer of the church, you toed the water, liked how it felt, and wanted to swim.

You just needed someone to catch you when you jumped into the deep end.

And he was more than eager to be those arms.

He popped your cherry in more ways than one. Alcohol, dancing, sex, and now drugs.

The bed was comfortable, apparently one of the comfiest you had ever been on. He can only imagine the look of confusion of his brothers' faces when they enter their rooms to see all their pillows missing. Said foisted pillows were stacked as a mountain behind him, supporting you both nearly upright but conforming enough to let you relax and sink in them.

He had told you to get comfortable. You had quickly toed off your shoes, removed your borrowed hoodie, which practically ate you, and all but fell on your face into the nest, sighing in bliss. He then brought out the entertainment of the day. A small bong, marble in pattern with rich brown and cream colors, and already loaded.

You stared at the piece with wide but eager eyes. Sat up and then leaned against his side. He chuckled as you made grabby hands and then gently took the glass from him. He then waved the lighter in your face, snatching it out of reach when you tried to take it.

"Never used one before?" He asked, knowing full well you haven't.

"No. But you're gonna help me, right?" He nods and then lets you take the green Bic lighter before tapping his finger gently at the loaded dish.

"Press the lighter to it and let the smoke gather until I say when." He instructs. You swallow your excitement and try not to grin like an over eager kid before doing as he told you.

Now, you watch as a cloud forms inside the glass bowel. He gauges carefully, taking in your fascinated and excited expression as you watch the glass fog.

"That's enough." He taps your knee. "Now, seal your mouth over the top and breathe it in." You do as he instructs and lock your lips around the smooth glass opening and breathe. He bites his lip, picturing your lips wrapped around something else.

The smoke is hard on your lungs, causing a strain that you can't help but cough through it. A cloud of smoke leaves your mouth as you hack.

"Sorry." You choke, embarrassed. Secondo gives a chuckle from beside you, taking the glass from your hands.

"That's alright, ciliegia. Cough it out." He guides, and you try to breathe through it, but it's more a wheeze before it catches in the back of your throat again and you cough again.

He loads it up again. Letting the smoke gather much longer than you did before inhaling deeply. He doesn't cough, though, and you're impressed because it feels like there's something scratching the inside of your lungs.

He blows out a steady stream, and you settle into his side as he leans back against the pillows and lets his head loll. He hums, already a little high, and he feels his body practically turn into liquid as he enjoys the warmth.

"Now, we wait." One of his arms slings over your shoulder. He's casually dressed down, one of his off days, and of course, he spends it with you. He's not wearing his gloves again, and you shudder at the memory of his soft hands trailing down between your thighs, not but a week ago.

You're not the only one thinking about it. Being able to feel your skin against his has his dick quickly stirring against his slacks, and he takes a deep breath through his mouth. Ah, it was that kind of trip.

"Damn brother. I see how it is. Give us the commercial and keep the good shit for yourself."

"You nicked from Primo?" You ask and he huffed.

"He's not going to miss it. Old fart probably won't even notice until it's too late. Besides, who do you think he's growing it for in the first place? Us."

"Us specifically or like, the royal us?" He waves a hand.

"Doesn't matter. It's serving its purpose." He snickers. "For the good of the church." You laugh at his little cheer and lay your head against him. Content and very comfortable all of a sudden.

You run your hand over the bedsheets, and it kind of tickles. The duvet is embroidered with a very ugly gaudy but fancy pattern, clashes yet matches the room so well. Tracing it and catching on the fancy stitching causes your hands to tingle, and you lift one to look over it, and then you slowly begin to rub your fingers together.

It's almost as if you could feel your fingerprints. But your fingertips are just a part of your skin. You're just feeling your skin. The realization that, no, it's not your fingerprints. You just have skin. It seems to be the funniest thing in the world to you because you start to giggle and can't seem to stop.

"I think it might be kicking in." He chuckles and leans over to place a kiss on your forehead. You hum, further sinking into his side as it feels like his whole body has just opened up and enveloped you in a hug, or is that just your skin?

You're high. That's funny. You giggle again. It's funny just knowing you're high and that that's what is responsible for the giggles. Why is this so funny? It's funny that it's funny. You snicker and start to laugh again.

Secondo is now laughing with you and turns your head to place another kiss on your forehead and then leans down to kiss you on your mouth.

What an interesting feeling, his lips gliding against yours. You ruin it by breaking into another fit of giggles.

"It's good, right?" He smiles, earning a very enthusiastic nod. Then he simply stares at you, smiling joyously. It's a good look on him. You're so used to the hard glare and strong lines on his face, but he looks so young when he smiles. He's still staring. You're in the midst of breathing between bouts of girly laughter and looking him deep into his mismatched eyes.

"What?" You ask him, and his smile grows.

He breaks apart loudly and leads kisses behind your ear before nipping on your lobe gently. It sends a spark down below to your naval and has you huffing in quickly building arousal.

"Oh, don't mind me. I'm just enjoying the view." He takes advantage of your pause between fits of tittering to capture your mouth again, and this time, you moan into the kiss. His tongue his hot and heavy in your mouth as you attempt to slowly explore it. His kisses are always passionate, always letting you feel your way into what's comfortable and then gracefully leads you into something amazing.

Then you snort as his words finally hit you, and you push him lightly on the shoulder. He playfully attempts to bite your hand, snatching it up as you try to get away and laying kisses on your fingers. They tickle, too.

"Wanna try something?" He asks

"Always if it's with you." Now you're laughing at your own cheesiness.

He reached for bong again and took a deep hit. The water gurgling breaks through the room. It's starting to stink, a combination between the weed and his natural spicy smell. It's not a bad scent, but it'll definitely be stuck to you and your clothes for the rest of the day.

Then Secondo grabs you by your jaw and leans in close. You've seen this in movies. As he blows the smoke in your face, you breathe it in, eyes shining as your lungs complain. You turn away to cough again and hum as it serves to make your head feel heavier and your body hotter.

Secondo drags you back again by your chin and captures you're lips once more. This time you're taking change and he happily allows it. It's still a little clumsy and he knows that's because of the weed, you're a fast learner, you went from 'never kissed a man' to professional in a matter of weeks with his practice.

You hand skims his inner thigh, bumping right up against his cock and he's quickly reminded of just how damn hot this is. Getting you high and taking advantage of you had been the plan of the day but he hadn't accounted on it having this much effect on him.

He mentally grumbles another 'fuck you' to his older brother and breaks the kiss with a loud smack. He hisses against your chin, baring his teeth and grabs your hand as it skirts his knee.

"I'm so hard right now." He admits and then presses your hand directly against his aching dick, straining against the inner seam of his pants.

You murmur his words back to him in a daze and dare to look down at the indent of his cock in his jeans. At the sight, your core tightens and you press your thighs together.

"Can I sit on it?" You ask him because if it feels this good from just him touching you, you can't help but wonder what it would feel like if he was fucking you. You're already wet, the drug has you practically leaking, you can feel the slickness between your folds just from shifting your legs. The action sending spark of arousal further through you and your stroke Secondo's cock through his pants, wrapping your hand around the indention and giving a firm squeeze.

He groans, not expecting you to take charge, and his cock jumps against your palm.

You suddenly feel achingly empty.

"Yeah? You wanna sit on Daddy's cock?" He rephrases the question in a way that has your breath hitch and butterflies fluttering in your chest from his use of the word. Yeah, you want that. Absolutely. The longer you go empty the more desperate you suddenly feel for it. Your pussy clenches on nothing in desire for something. You nod dumbly as your hands go from gripping his dick to fumbling with his button and zipper.

He happily helps you, and together, you pull out your prize. Released from tight constraint of his pants, Secondo gives a grunt of relief and wraps a hand around his member, giving it a firm squeeze. It's flushed an angry red and already dribbling with precum.

He snickers as you thumb at the head for a moment, fascinated by the feeling of wet against your finger. Then you're distracted by the heat of his dick, hot, smooth, and soft the skin is. You trace your hands down to tangle with his thick pubic hair before throwing your leg over his and hovering in his lap. He lifts your skirt, watching as you part your underwear to the side and carefully line his cock up with your entrance.

You sink low enough to pop the head inside of you and have to bite your bottom lip to stop yourself from crying out how good it feels. Just that small amount has your legs quivering and cunt spasming. You can feel every bit of the bridge between his head and his shaft. It's hot, fascinating at how it feels hotter outside your cunt as your combined heats just melt into one, kinda like what you're doing now.

Secondo hisses between his teeth, hands grabbing at your thighs, but he makes no move to lower you. He has no intention of rushing you. He wants you to experience every bit of this at your own comfortable pace. He needs something to hold, though. If he doesn't have something to at least dig his nails into, he's going to lose his mind.

He blows out steadily through his mouth, nearly whistling before he takes in your appearance. You're flushed, your eyes are puffy and red from the smoke, and transfixed on where your bodies are joined, even though a small amount. You look so cute like this. Trusting him to take care of you, to hold back while you adjust, to help you through the dark water as you figure out how to swim amongst the sharks.

It makes his head spin, the amount of control he has over you. He pushed the first drink into your hand and then more as he helped you figure out what you had a taste for. He helped you let loose, weave and grind your hips against his as he taught you how to dance to that naughty stripper's music, and the again slowly move to something more casual in his office later that night. He's the one that pulled your cute little panties down around your ankles and ate you out for thirty minutes, stretched you out for ten, and then fucked you slow and carefully for what felt like an eternity.

He's getting high from more than just the weed. You were as good as a drug.

"Come on. I thought you wanted to sit on it."

Oh yeah. You did say that.

In one fluid and smooth drop, you take him fully . You croak a low gasp because it's tight with no prior preparation, but you're slick enough and wanton enough that it goes in easy. Your body all but welcomes the sudden fullness, the way your cunt starts to envelope around his prick, smooth skin that feels molten hot against the wet walls of your pussy.

"Fuuuuck. You're so tight." Secondo grunts as you force him to immediately bottom out. His balls, already tight, pressed against the slopes of your ass.

"So full." You describe, almost caught in a dream and press your hand to your lower stomach. You must be imagining it, but you could swear you feel a bump from his cock inside of you.

You reach up and wrap your arms around him, resting your head on his shoulder and just feeling for a moment. Secondo seems to understand this and returns your hug, running his hands up and down your back in soothing motions. It tickles, bursts goosebumps all over your body, and makes you take in tranquil breath.

"Can I move, ciliegia?" He asks you, and you nod before he rolls back against the pillows, bringing you with him as he props his knees up and starts to move.

He gyrates his hips with a meticulous rhythm, a slow ride, he's in no hurry.

You feel absolutely wrecked from the inside out and it was good he was taking charge at the moment because you can barely function properly right now, lost in the sensations of his cock dragging back and forth against your walls. Then he rubs his cockhead direction into your g-spot and you sob in pleasure.

"Shh, it's alright, piccola. Just hold onto me. Hold onto Daddy." Secondo licks his lips and takes in deep breaths, trying as hard as he can to make this last. "I'm gonna take good care of you."

The weed enhances everything. You feel as hot as an oven. He palms your ass and snickers. A literal cake fresh out of the oven. Shit, now he's the one laughing at his own joke.

You want to weep by how stimulated you feel. And when he suddenly starts to laugh, it resonates deep inside your chest while you par him with soft mumbles and whines of pleasure. He dares to thrust, just once, and your body immediately locks up on him as he plucks an intense and long-lived orgasm from you.

It crashes, tearing softly through your stomach and spreading from your limbs and curling your toes. You've never felt one like it before. It's like a movie in slow motion. Secondo grunts, as though pained, and for a moment, you thought you had tightened hard enough around him to injure him.

"Hurt you?" You mumble, brained. Secondo spits another laugh and shakes his head. He sucks in a breath, tenses, and lets out a rattled groan. He hugs you close, so close. Then he arches, tugging you as firmly to his chest as he can. His lips press gentle but firm kisses to your shoulders, nosing your shirt out of the way so he can touch skin.

He stops, and you feel it. You feel his dick jumping inside of you, hard throbs in uneven time as he shoots rope after rope of cum into your soppy wet cunt, directly into your womb. You sigh in bliss and rub your hand over your lower stomach, imaging what it must look like, having his load burning white into the pinks of your cunt.

You sit together like this for a moment, Secondo's eyes half shut as he enjoys your heat for as long as comfortable. Eventually, he's going to have to pull out, but for right now, this is paradise. You then press your lips to his ear and tell him something that's only so damn funny because of how much he considers it.

"We should fuck high as often as possible."

[granulesofsand]

Hi, I’ve got a question if you don’t mind answering

I’m just…. Really confused. Because our system has changed and grown so much that we realized that we were a polyfrag system since our experiences perfectly match it, but recently uh. Our gatekeeper found a whole like … sidesystem?? It’s the only term that makes sense because it’s completely separate from the “main” system even with layers and stuff it’s a whole other headspave I guess, and it turns out they have some pyramid heirarchy with themes for each tier and a lot more detail we don’t know about.

My partner got extremely concerned and told me to ask about this because … wtf there can’t be any possible way we’ve gone through ramcoa, it just doesn’t make sense ???? Like yeah I’m shaking as I type this but it doesn’t make sense we barely ‘unlocked’ past sa trauma and even then we doubt that (despite alter patterns)

I’ve got no idea what this is or who to ask since I’m not in any form of therapy and can’t get any professional help, thank you for your time in advance

-🔪

Sidesystems

Sidesystems, as in separate group of alters or multiple systems in one body, can happen to anymany. If it’s more comfortable to explore without the fear of programming, that might be better for your system right now.

Programmed or Not

Anything that happens in programmed systems can happen in nonprogrammed systems. The only difference is external control, which leads to a higher concentration of less common features. The term sidesystem in programming means the same thing, but with external control.

Some symptoms are indicative of particular traumas; flashbacks of being drugged might come with body memories of that experience, clips of cloaks or butchered animals tend to belong to RA.

But even those can be explained away, psychosomatic presentations of passive influence or detailed descriptions and photos of events.

The structuring is unusual, but not impossible. The themes are the same. Memories will be your best indicator, but those will take time and trust to get to.

For some lists of programming (mind control) and other abuse symptoms, explore https://drive.google.com/drive/mobile/folders/1FqT248H1e6w9P2zWheTnaMXsrvT-ZqzJ/19U3sNkCGBLTuks1ITbm8QhcPlfif5k84?usp=drive_link&sort=13&direction=a from the Legion System.

Support for Healing

You don’t necessarily need a therapist during the initial stages, but we would recommend a support friend or significant other who will learn alongside you and sit with you as you go.

It’s good to have a page of hotlines you can call, and on that list add safe people for unaware system members. Carrying a phone or keeping a calendar is also helpful. Some of the newly discovered ones may be less informed or have trauma surrounding particular dates.

Supporting Your System

If you are trusted with trauma details, you should do your best to sit with the keeper like your support people would for you. Educate yourself and provide care for them, keeping in mind you may be the first in a long time (or ever) to receive this knowledge.

Some common programming environments are high-control groups, and that can mean anything from a small cult meeting in a basement to a multinational trafficking ring. You don’t have to piece together any of that now, but you cannot perpetuate the cycle of shame on your systemmates.

No matter where you come from, abuse is awful. You might come up with recollections of forced perpetration or loss, and it is crucial that you remember it was not your fault. No one is responsible for the abuse done onto them.

You should take time to sort out your own feelings and work through the consequences of knowing. You should not be blaming anyone inside. You have the opportunity to give what these selves always needed and never got. Often, you’re giving love.

Healing Both

The basics of deprogramming are the same as healing from most maltreatment; getting through everything together. You all played a role in your survival, and now you have the chance to live.

So regardless of what this ends up being, try for compassion first. You might have more steps to take, but compassion comes first and last. You can do it. Living well takes practice, but I promise you can do it.

[tailoroffates]

Anxiety Brain Fog and Tips to Defeat it!

Hey-hi! I’m back again to chat about yet another aspect of anxiety!  Anxiety brain fog… Anxiety brain fog can happen when a person is feeling anxious and it causes difficulty thinking clearly/concentrating. It’s common to experience brain fog when dealing with stressful situations, or while an individual experiences high stress in general. So, why does anxiety cause brain fog? Well, it typically happens because anxiety takes up a lot of mental resources. This makes it so people need to use more energy while trying to focus on anything other than that anxiety, which is why it makes it so difficult to concentrate or think clearly.

Symptoms of anxiety brain fog include:

Fatigue

An inability to organize thoughts or activities performed

Feeling confused or “spaced out”

Being easily distracted

Forgetfulness, or a constant loss of your train of thought

Having difficulty finding the right words

Processing thoughts slower than usual

Forgetting about a task you need to complete

Needing more time to complete basic tasks

So basically, anxiety brain fog creates a forgetful mental state affected by your anxiety. The more anxious you get, the harder it becomes to focus. It usually happens when you go to do something that you know makes you anxious, and it makes preparing for that task much harder than it needs to be. There are other causes for anxiety brain fog, meaning things that can make it more likely to affect you. These are:

Neurological conditions, like head injuries or dementia.

Some chronic illnesses

Dehydration, hunger, or vitamin deficiencies

Drugs and alcohol

Certain medications, like chemotherapy or mood stabilizers.

So the gist of the situation is, if it isn’t anxiety induced then you should do your best to take good care of yourself and if that doesn’t help, seek out medical attention that could provide better answers for your condition. Now, since the brain fog is a symptom and not a medical diagnosis there is no treatment for it that I am aware of. Though, managing the anxiety or the conditions causing the brain fog may help. I’m no medical professional or therapist, but as a fellow struggler of anxious tendencies, I happen to have a few tips to help you along the way.

My tips: 1.  Make a checklist and actively run through it before heading out to ensure you don’t stray off track. 2. Try to prepare ahead of time, or leave the things you need near the door where you can see them. Sometimes visual cues can help to re-spark your memory and clear the fog enough to set you back on the right path. 3.  Work on methods to slow or calm your anxiety. Giving your brain less to focus on can help redirect your attention towards what you need, instead of what you’re afraid of or anxious about. The tips I mentioned above are my personal methods of clearing, or at the very least, working through my own anxiety brain fog. I hope this information helps you find your own path to victory VS the foggy brain feels <3 Unfortunately, that’s all I have for you today, but for those of you who have your own tips for working through anxiety brain fog, I’d love to hear about them and how they help you in the comments or tags! Sharing is caring!

[yanderes-galore]

Fandom: Bioshock

Character: Dr J.S. Steinman

Pairing: Romantic

Type of Fic: scenario/short story. Plot being, Darling is trying to escape the dying city of Rapture (unrelated to Jack's quest entirely) but gets caught by Steinman because Steinman sees darling as the pinnacle of beauty and tries to replicate their looks on other Splicers.

Sorry if this kinda sound specific I tried to make it as open as possible.

Oooo! Yeah! I can do a short for this >:)

Replication

Yandere! Dr J.S. Steinman Short

Pairing: Romantic

Possible Trigger Warnings: Gender-Neutral Darling, Obsession, Stalking, Violence, Unwanted plastic surgery, Unwanted picture taking, Death, Blood, Kidnapping, Forced relationship, Drugging.

It was never perfect! They were never perfect! Nothing he did could replicate the beauty he saw that one fateful day!

These Splicers are such an eyesore to him. Their looks never matched what he preferred. None of them were beautiful. Steinman has seen beauty.

He's fallen for beauty.

Steinman remembered seeing the pinnacle of beauty in this city. As though Aphrodite herself had blessed him, he caught sight of the most beautiful thing in his life. You... someone attempting to leave this dying city.

Ever since he saw you, a magnificent specimen, he's tried to replicate how he's felt ever since. Day after day Steinman takes in Splicers. They aren't the most willing subjects but he must do Aphrodite's work.

As if to fill an ever growing void in his chest, Steinman chased his desires. He makes surgery his art, he tries to make the ugly into something beautiful.

Every attempt to replicate his muse ends in failure.

The idea of this drives the perfectionist insane. In an exasperated noise of rage every Splicer ends the same. They die on his table due to the blood loss and he tosses them aside before trying anew.

Nothing could match your perfection and he was beginning to wonder if he'd ever get rid of the void in his chest.

Replicating your beauty did not placate him in the slightest. Every attempt was wrong. The image in his mind wasn't enough.

Steinman decided to borrow a camera from Cohen to solve his issue. Cohen is a man who understands art, which convinced him to allow Steinman to take such a tool. Steinman then decides he'll follow you.

Even when he feels he may never see you again, he manages to catch sight of you at times. Whenever you came into view he'd click the camera and hide out of sight.

With new inspiration he feels his work get better and better. The Splicers soon begin to resemble your beauty more and more. He's excited, chasing the high as he cuts into their flesh. Yet then he cuts too deep...

And the work is ruined.

Pictures do wonders for inspiration. However, he can't help but feel that the inspiration isn't the problem. Perhaps it is the canvas, the Splicers aren't enough.

How could they even compare to the original anyways?

With new motives, Steinman is back on the hunt. He traverses Rapture in search of his muse once again. This time, picture's won't do.

All he needs is a needle and some drugs.

It isn't hard to sneak up and wrangle you when he finds you again. You panic when he inserts the needle, the drugs seeping into your blood to slowly reduce your movement. By the time you fall victim to his anesthesia... you're being dragged back to his territory.

Steinman is a delighted man when he straps you to a chair. The room is still coated in the blood of his past attempts. Now... he won't have to worry about those eyesore Splicers.

Steinman has you, a gift from his Goddess.

There's no need to use pictures to replicate you... there's no need for replication at all!

He has the real thing right in front of him now.

[crmsnmth]

September Sky Chapter Seven, Part 4

"Chad! Chris!" Someone shouted at us and we both turned our heads to see a girl with a shaved head waving us over.

"What took you so long?" She asked as she gave Chad and I friendly hugs.

"Bad directions." Chad said with a laugh.

"I thought you lived in the city, Chris?" Alana said. She sat down, letting her black overall style dress puff up from the force slightly. A smaller mouse of a girl sat next to her, sipping on a plastic cup of beer.

"I know like four blocks around my house and a few random paths to the lake and convenience stores," I said taking a seat next to the mouse girl.

"Guys, this is Emma. My girlfriend. Emma, this is Chris," she pointed at me, "and that's Chad." She pointed to Chad. Alana had come out as bisexual in high school, and was one of the very few girls who wasn't just doing it for extra attention.

"Hey," she said quietly, weakly waving. She seemed just as out of place as I felt. I guess I just hid mine a little better. Alana sat down, pouring both Chad and I a cup from a half empty pitcher of beer.

"I'll grab the next one," I said, taking the cup and drinking the quickly warming liquid deep. Alcohol ruins inhibitions. It removes insecurity and replaces it with confidence in yourself. Alcohol made me normal. At least until I over did it and found myself screaming at god with my head in a porcelain throne.

"Add another round that you owe us," Alana said. She took Emma's hand and squeezed it. It was kind of cute, in it's own way. Then I realized this must be what my dynamic with Addison was like. An extrovert and an introvert. Maybe that thing about opposites attracting had some truth to it.

"Ok. Wait, why do we owe you?'

"For being so late. Why didn't you call? I probably could have figured it out. Or at least could've looked it up on my phone."

"I fucking did try calling you. You never answered." Chad said loudly.

"You did not. I never got a missed call."

"I swear, I tried to call you."

"He did. I can vouch for that." I said.

"I can prove it," he fiddled with his phone and then held it out for all to see. It was his call log, showing he'd called Alana.

"Weird. I wonder why I never got it. You guys know you can call more than once, right?"

Both Chad and I burst out laughing. Neither one of us had even thought to call again. It's like we had just crossed calling her off our list. We may have been laughing, but inside I was feeling quite stupid.

"Yeah, that might've worked,"Chad said wiping a tear from his eye. For being two individuals who were somewhat proud of our intelligence, it wasn't all that rare for us to lose common sense.

"It's like when the two of you get together, you only have half a brain." Alana said. Emma just watched the conversation. Her eyes would volley to whoever was speaking. She even cracked a smile as Alana made fun of us.

"If I only had a brain," I sang, loudly and not even in any known key.

We talked through the usual catching up business, which always comes before the conversation becomes in the now. It turns out nothing much had changed with Alana since the last time I saw her. Other than her moving to Milwaukee, starting the path towards being a drug abuse counselor, and her girlfriend. And in all honesty, not one of those things came as really shocking news.

Emma and Chad were talking. Chad never had a problem starting a conversation with a stranger. It's a skill that I wish I still had sometimes.

I looked around the bar. People were still coming in with smiles and waves to friends. A DJ was starting to set up in the far corner. Groups huddled around each other, having loud secret conversations, where only half the words are heard. I recognized a few faces from shows in Riverwest, but nobody that I actually could say I knew.

[skylarmoon71]

Rapheal (TMNT 2014/2016) - Chapter 2

"Pass the remote."

"Nu uh it's my turn!"

Raph doesn't even argue further. He grabs it out of Mikey's hands, plopping on the couch. Mikey means to fire an insult, or grab it back, but Leo stops him, shaking his head. Mikey is confused, until he sees the news channel turned on.

"Suspects in the Lauderdale bombing have been apprehended. Sources say they were also responsible for the smuggling of illegal firearms and drugs. More when we come back."

The room becomes quiet, and Raph grips the remote.

"Apprehended is better than they deserved." Raph grumbles.

"We talked about this Raph, we don't take the law into our own hands. We just catch them, that's it."

"Yea, why didn't ya say that to (Y/N). Does she deserve to die to protect scumbags like that!!"

"She's not dead!!"

"She might as well be." Raph looked down. "You heard what Vincent said."

"She told us there is a high possibility she could regain consciousness."

"False hope." Raph concludes. He clenched his hand, and the remote was crushed under the force. He dropped the controller in disdain.

"I'm going for a walk." Splinter walked out just when he heard the argument start. He stepped in front of Raph, placing his hand on Raph's shoulder.

"Be patient son. She will wake up."

Raph shrugged off the arm, moving to the side.

He knew it was unfair taking it out on them. But he wasn't sure who to blame. His mind would not give him the comfort of forgetting that look on your face. You had given up in those last moments. Using every bit of your strength to get April out rather than trying to free yourself. He stopped, punching the wall, a fairly large hole following. The concrete crumbled, and he snarled.

"This is my fault."

Why the hell did they even separate. They were dealing with psychotic criminals. He kept trudging on, and as he climbed through a manhole and made his way to the surface. The city lights hit his eyes. He scaled up the building. The higher he got, the more a feeling of nostalgia hit. He stopped when he was on a rooftop, and the sight of the sun setting just at the tip of the bridge felt familiar.

"Did you fight with Leo again."

"I aint wanna talk about it. "

"Okay."

Raph expected you to delve further, but you sat down right next to him, eyes staring ahead. He frowned.

"Ya tryna use some mind game on me." You shook your head.

"No. You said you didn't want to talk about it. So we won't. We can just sit here and look at the sunset."

Raph faced forward.

"Leo put you up to this." He grumbles.

"Nope. Came here all on my own. " He scoffed.

"Sure you did."

This time, you looked at him. As much defiance that Raph often presented, you sort of respected him. He wasn't someone who just caved. He stood up for himself. He wasn't afraid to say what was on his mind. Regardless of what anyone thought. Reaching over, you placed your hand on his shoulder. His body tensed.

"I'm sorry that you feel like your voice isn't heard. I know Sometimes it may seem like Leo is favored, but Master Splinter loves you all just the same. In a way I guess I can relate."

Raph was listening now.

"My dad used to be pretty tough on me. For a while I thought it was because he hated me. After that car accident it was like a switch flipped. He was always pushing, always lecturing and I felt like I was the only one getting the brunt of it. My older brothers were never lectured. They were the ones who followed the rules. I was the rebel. "

"Can't really picture ya being a rebel." He voiced. You sent him a smile.

"My early teens were a mess." Raph smiles, and you giggle. It seems like you're getting through to him. So you continue.

"After a few months I finally confronted him. I threatened to run away and he..he sort of broke down. The entire time he was just scared of losing me. When I got in the accident, I brushed it off. I took life for granted, but my dad was terrified. Because when he got the call, he thought that I'd died. For a brief moment he told me that he imagined what it was like to never see me again. It almost broke him. So when he got the full report and saw me in that hospital, I guess he made a promise to himself that he wouldn't make the same mistakes. "

Your hand moves from his shoulder, to the center of his chest. Raph eyes trail the movement.

"Sometimes when we care about people, we make bad choices doing what we think is right for them. It doesn't mean the love isn't there. It just means they care more than we can realize. If you ever doubt anything, please don't forget that."

Raph couldn't truly remember the last time he'd been speechless. He wishes he could say something, anything. Even a thank you. You pull your hand away with a tender smile, and just then his heart begins to strum unsteadily.

It's possible that's when he realized.

Raph clenches his fists.

More than anything, it hurts.

There's a vibration in his pocket, and he means to ignore it. Eventually Leo would give up. For a moment it stops. He can feel the peace. But it starts again. With each ring he can feel his agitation rising. He grits his teeth, pulling out the phone in aggravation.

"WHAT!!"

"Raph...she's awake."

Leo receives no reply on the other side.

[lucysweatslove]

Vyvanse Day 4 today! Just took the 20mg.

Yesterday was my first day on 20mg, and I seemed to be doing okay. However, I somehow decided that a cold brew coffee (with ice so idk how many oz really) after the museum + 32oz Diet Dr. Pepper a few hours after that was a good idea. I didn’t finish all of the coffee (honestly, I forgot about it), but that’s still like 250mg of caffeine. One Ghost is 200mg, and a Rockstar is 160mg, and I can only handle like one of those in a day and I still get jittery (even before starting any ADHD med).

Suffice it to say, I did get some high HR notifications and in the afternoon I just felt… a little off I guess. I can’t quite explain it.

It was still much better/more tolerable than the Strattera. Ironic to me that a non-stimulant med was worse than the actual stimulant that turns into actual amphetamine via red blood cells*

It also didn’t seem to have much effect in keeping me awake or keeping me more “alert,” but it didn’t increase somnolence either? Like the Strattera had me taking 2 hour naps no matter what, but the Vyvanse at that dose didn’t seem to impact me on that front.

Attention wise, the jitteriness made it a little hard to focus on its own. I also just… decided I didn’t want to read. I finished an audiobook and got some online shopping done, though.

Today I am going to be mindful of my caffeine intake and only have some of a Rockstar (I just feel like I need something since even 2 hours after waking, I’m pretty tired this morning). Tomorrow I meet with the PMHNP again to check in, so I’d like to get a good feeling for how I’m doing on the 20s.

An annoying thing about these scheduled drugs: you can’t write for titration very well. For Vyvanse, my insurance has a dispensing limit of 30 pills every 30 days inclusive of strength. Idea being that it’s harder to share/sell them, or take more than intended, if you’re limited and cannot get more. Given that Vyvanse is available in 10mg increments you can technically do all titration with one pill/day. This works out well if you’re on an established dose or only going up 10mg or whatever in a month etc. The problem is that when you’re determining dose, especially when somebody is historically very sensitive, you’re stuck with the dose prescribed for as long as you have pills. I got 14 pills of 10mg for a 14 day supply, but I’m taking 20mg now, so I will “run out” of 10s before the end of the 14 days. They may not approve a new rx before 14 days, or only approve 16 pills until Aug 5, etc. And we may even want to go up to 30mg eventually which makes it hard to know how many pills to send in of the 20s and when. Which means I will NECESSARILY have to take the drug “not as prescribed” (skipping some days) until we find the right dose.

* I’m not kidding; Vyvanse is basically amphetamine with a lysine added to it, and the lysine part makes it relatively inactive. It goes into your blood, and there is an enzyme in red blood cells that will cleave the lysine away from the amphetamine and then you get the nice stimulant effect from the amphetamine! It’s designed this way because the cleaving is a slow step so it slows the rate you get dextroamphetamine, reducing a sharp high and abuse potential + somewhat increasing time of effect. Also should note that dextroamphetamine =/= methamphetamine. Methamphetamine has a small methyl group at the end (where Vyvanse has lysine) and this changes it a lot. Vyvanse primarily becomes dextroamphetamine via a very specific enzyme that only removes lysine (it won’t remove just the small methyl group). Much of methamphetamine is converted to a different amphetamine compound, not dextroamphetamine, so it’s *not* the same drug.

Also Vyvanse’s generic name is lisdexamphetamine: lis (lysine) + dex (dextro) + amphetamine. Generics do generally have a logic behind them yeah?

[im-caught-up-in-thoughts]

I’ve noticed that the years passing by have brought the trauma out more. I also know that accommodating all those triggers won’t be easy so anytime they come up I just have to face them. Whether it’s a dream or someone speaking about it. It’s no one’s job to make me feel comfortable because of the trauma I’ve endured. However, it’s also different when they are being little to you about something. Or say something provocatively, meaning (they think) you don’t know what you are talking about. When in fact you have been down in a dark place for way longer than you haven’t. I’m also still learning that no is okay to say even though I feel so guilty for it, I need to start putting myself first instead of everyone else. It recently hit me that for the first time in a few years that things are so much different than they use to be, and that’s not always a bad thing. I’m different for so many reasons. Pain does change how someone looks at life. Rude people can change how someone views life. Being a person with a good heart and very sensitive to emotions aren’t heard of much because no one talks about it because it’s not easy to explain.  I know that trauma will always be there and I will always wonder if something was different would it have been different for me. I will always have nightmares of it happening to other kids, which really sucks.  I’ve never once thought that doing drugs was going to solve my problems. I’ve seen that life. My mom has been in and out of jail since I was six years old. However she never once told me that she was trying to “escape” from something. “She did it because she liked to be high.” Do I like that? Not one bit. I learned that that’s not the life I want to live. Sure I’ll smoke some weed here and there, I could say I have chronic pain and some people would call that an excuse to smoke it. However I can’t find a job, I don’t have money to buy it and the money I do get I feed my animals with it so my grandpa doesn’t buy the cat food all the time.  I’ve always thought of breaking the generational curses instead of continuing them and it pains me when I see someone just diving right into the same curse. At first, I was beyond mad, the last few days I’ve become less mad. However, I don’t know whether I want this person around me or not. I’m always going to be questioning everything that they say or do.  

I’ve never felt like anyone’s best friend. I could say I’ve had 5 people I considered to be best friends. There are always other people that were somehow above me. I know I’m loyal, no one will probably ever match that. I know my worth. However, everyone wants friends. I wanted them so bad when I was younger that now that I’m older I look at them like they weren’t even there. While I was struggling to keep my head above water there was a few that stayed but they couldn’t help me. I realized I had to save myself.  So after the hell of a high school journey was finally conquered. Things started to feel good. Then my back was still pretty painful and I still have no diagnosis.  Once I got it, I was like okay. Spinal stenosis may just get worse but at least I know what it is. So I was like alright, time to learn to drive. I now know how to drive but the whole test thing didn’t go so well the first time and now I’m scared to even take it because I couldn’t pass a damn class on my own beforehand. How am I going to pass this with a strict instructor picky about everything? That brought out all the high school shit all over again, and I came home crying and defeated. 

It’s been a few months since June and that’s when I took the test. I’ve watched how to do things in videos. I learned how to back up, but there aren’t cones in my way. I thought the parallel parking sucks, turns out that’s better than a 90-degree backing angle. That one sucks, however, I will never parallel park. Not something I’m comfortable with and let’s face it there are not many places around here where you have to do that sort of parking. And who backs into a Walmart(or some other store) parking spot backing up? It won’t be me that’s for sure. For once I was hoping that this was going to go smoothly. Now I’m afraid.