#I love smite and I love magical shit like why not

[stormcried]

Apart of me wants to have Drake be able to do healing water abilities that can essentially coax the wound and soften it. Idk why but playing Smite as Yemoja really makes me think he could eventually one day do that.

[theoutcastrogue]

That said, the D&D 3.5 Paladin was bad. It was badly designed, it had bad rules, and in conjunction with the other notoriously bad rule, alignment, it could cause havoc.

Now personally, I never had ANY problems with it in my tabletop games. I played paladins and loved it, and I loved it when other people played paladins, and it was great. But that's because, collectively as a group, we took ONE look at that terrible rule where the paladin's code of conduct prevents them from associating with Evil characters or "someone who consistently offends her moral code", and immediately went, "that's stupid, we ain't doing that, it would ruin the game".

We also didn't love the concept of alignment as a cosmic force, and didn't care for Usually Evil Goblins and Always Evil anything. And when a class's signature ability fully depends on whether creatures are capital E Evil, well that affects storytelling, doesn't it? But we all saw it the same way, and we were happily able to change it without any disagreements. In the end we had a Paladin… similar to 5e now that I think of it: completely ignore the Code's association clause, tailor the Code to personal stance or a specific Order, Detect only fiends and undead and the like, Smite anything you want, Fall only if you really fuck up, and never presume that just because you haven't Fallen yet everything you've ever done is justified and correct and anyone who disagrees with you is objectively wrong.

Basically, there were 2 options in 3.5. You either houseruled and/or handwaved things, and in matters of alignment interpretations erred on the side of "what makes the game go",

OR, you played with Rules As Written, and filled the forums with questions like "should the paladin fall?" (one such thread per week, conservatively), "we got into a fight over the Paladin, what to do?", "is it Evil to pick pockets? because we have a Paladin in the party", "the Assassin uses poison, shouldn't that offend my moral code?", and shit like that. Just... pointless strife, all the time. Again, never happened to me, but I was appalled to read about it, over and over and over.

People got intense with 3.5 Paladins (both pro and against) because it was BADLY DESIGNED and had BAD RULES. Its mechanics forced narrative choices on the entire table, and the only way to make it frictionless was having a party where no one wishes to explore a character's bad side ever, no one does things that aren't bad but WotC branded Evil™ in this or that splatbook, and everyone magically agrees all the time on "what is right and what is wrong" and "what is Lawful and what is Chaotic", which is simply impossible. The most subjective thing in the world (ethics!) was presented as an objective cosmic force, and how you interpreted it would determine how much damage the Paladin deals in combat, and whether the Paladin could keep associating with the party, and if the Paladin is still a Paladin. And all that in a game, let's not forget, whose basic, fundamental premise is "kill things and take their stuff". I'm sorry, this is tremendously stupid. It's the WORST design.

I know that for some people it worked as written, and good for them, but for the many many people it didn't work, well it's obvious why.

[katiekatdragon27]

I was listening to "All Eyes on Me" and "Respectless" during a car ride and had an epiphany.

Progress shots and lore below cut:

OK OK BEFORE WE START THIS IS VERY HEADCANONED BASED.

Design choices and character motivations are very much based on my own hcs (such as Wizard being woman, Wizard being Ales's twin and having his hair as a result, the whole Rabiteen/Hopiteensy lore situation, Bad Rayman and Goth being homies, etc.) I love self-indulgence, what can I say?

Here is a synposis since ik most of you looooooooove my essays below my posts:

This AU takes place between Origins and Legends. Instead of Goth being the 4th player, it's Wizard (like in the concept art). She and Ales are the magician twins that Polokus talks about when pulling on his beard in Origins.

During Origins, Wizard and Ales are working together to harvest lum magic. However, the two of them are not that good at it. So, Ales has the brilliant idea to have Wizard hang out with Rayman and help convince him to help with lum collection. The game proceeds as normal, until they get to Moody Clouds.

While the build is falling apart, the Raygang, minus Wizard, fall to the groud bc of a magic spell Ales casted while they were all busting it down. They fall asleep in the random-ass tree they're found sleeping on in Legends and that's why they're all out of the plot. Wizard, fueled on anger and betrayal of her brother's evil plans, chases his ass onto the ship and stops it from hitting the giant lum ball. Ales thinks his sister is protecting him, but then gets socked in the gut and thrown in a cage. Wizard then hijacks the ship and returns to the port in Moody Clouds, leaving Ales in a dark basement under his office. She returns to the lum ball and considers letting all the lums go but goes back on that decision and decides to keep them.

By enhancing some of Ales's mechanics (all of it is fueled with lums) with her natural strong magic, she goes on a massive power high, capturing all the remaining yellow lums on her own. She then turns her attention to the blue lums.

The ones that are inside of people.

At first, she goes for objectively bad people. The baddies who beat up all the teensies in Teensies in Trouble and so on, but then goes for the bigger fish. The fish like Jano. And she wins. Kills his ass so fast. It's terrifying.

She then starts trying to get the Fairy Council in on her tech and lum magic usage. No one (especially Betilla) vibe with this, cuz they're too busy looking for Rayman or a replacement. She then shows of her Jano kill and everyone is utterly flabbergasted. All the teensies are onboard tho, so that's a win. They start doing public executions of bad nightmares and dreams. Then... it turns into executing people who dislike executions or people who just dislike Wizard in general.

(This is the point where she starts dressing like this. The orange is a ref to her old concept art and the purple with yellow is pieces of Jano's hat she turned into cloths. Also, the stick's not wood. It's actually very strong steel that is incredibly sharp.)

Fun times.

The fairies really don't vibe with any of this, especially Voodoo Mama and Betilla, but for different reasons. For VM, it's because her populations are in dwindling numbers at this point. For Betilla, it's because the lack of lums is stunting/destroying the growth of the Glade and is lowkey incapacitating Polokus. The two of them then come together to figure out a way to stop this girl. They decide to recruit two individuals, a young looking Rayman clone that Betilla remembers a certain dark magic user creating, and a little nightmare teensy who is a massive nerd when it comes to lums. Those being bad Rayman (Shadi) and Goth Teensy.

We love recruiting kids to kill grown ass baddies cuz the authority figures are all shit at figuring their own problems out.

Together, the two of them, plus some other figures like First King and Rabbiteen, go to fight this overpowered scary woman who could easily smite them if she wanted. Good luck soldiers🫡🫡

I have more, but I'm still working on the story not bc I'm lazy noooo neeeeeverrrr.

Anyways, have a lovely day :))

[visenyaism]

your visenya-meta and how all the targs want to Be Her are making me think of the OG visenya stan, maegor. its making me think of a scenario where maegor had a daughter who lived. like. hes the epitome of #problematic feminist he would've been like 'this is visenya II (he insists on the male-style generational suffix for his daughter bc he wants to acknowledge the OG visenya as an equally important dynastic founder) and she's going to be the next ruler of the westeros' and then he would just kill anyone who said some shit. that's not much different than how he was in canon (man that guy loved killing) but maegor trying to recreate his mother in his daughter is compelling to me. would this girl be exempted from the visenya naming curse or would she get double-smited lmao.

As a child of Aegon via evil blood magic created to usurp the throne and secure the Targaryen legacy, Maegor is less of a person and more of a manifestation of the abject cruelty allowed by monarchy.  There’s something so interesting about Maegor having such a close relationship with his mom but then being a Blackfyre wielder/Balerion rider. Because he’s NOT Visenya he is not content to be anyone’s attack dog he HAS to be the king. So he has to go for the trappings of Aegon’s power and not the trappings of Visenya’s.

The fact that maegor insisted on marrying rhaena who is ACTUALLY just like visenya For Real but he wanted to marry her specifically to weaken her claim and power goes CRAZY. I think if he had a daughter he would try to undermine her claim too while being like why aren’t you more like your grandmother. because that’s a repeated pattern in fire and blood: Targaryen men cannot allow another Visenya to exist, but at the same time they cannot stop comparing themselves and everyone else in their family to her and finding everyone wanting 

[ssvnormandysr-1]

one thing larian did and did really well is not romanticizing the end result of pursuit of ambition, or the erasure & denial of one's true self. The result is shown as pathetic, sad, and hilariously heartbreaking. This is shown especially well in Astarion & Gale's case.

Gale, in his god form, is honestly pretty insufferable. On the surface, it's easy to think that he's the same old guy with jokes and all but in every sentence, you can see him demeaning the mortal lives, the material plane, his superiority complex, etc.

The dude's been a god for 6 months and apparently forgot what faerun smells like, saying it 'cannot be compared to the aromas of Elysium' (this is shown when you play as his origin). He goes around to his companions and essentially in a roundabout way, begs for them to pray to him. when as a player you ask him 'you didn't dethrone Mystra? that's not very ambitious' he gets defensive by basically saying 'well i didn't say I'm giving up.' The devnote for this section says 'torn between the need to refute your accusation and knowing that doing so would be a terrible, terrible idea' - he's afraid but too proud to admit it because he does not want to be seen as weak. In his origin he can tell minthara that he can smite her, to which she replies 'better gods than you have tried.' Fucking owned. His idea of helping mortals is turning some mage's book to a helpful page. It's a fucking joke. All of these are a very hilarious and pathetic and so sad as we are witnessing his ego death in real time. There's nothing cool or awe-inspiring about who he has become. And i love that.

I think this might also be why in the epilogue he was alive and not smitten to pieces by mystra. Challenging Mystra directly and dying? now that's pretty cool shit. He may have failed but he still flew to the sun and shot his shot. few mortals can claim to have tried to both bed and behead the goddess of magic herself. But staying alive because he actually fears mystra and therefore taking the loophole to create his own domain? displaying his twisted heart for everyone to see and pity? for us to see that the true result of ambition is becoming this petty and narrow-minded? now that's just sad and pathetic. I love that.

[thelesbstrosity]

MY GOOD OMENS 2 LIVE REACTIONS FOR EVERY EPISODE

So ofc spoilers

Good Omens 2

Episode 1:

- THEY KNEW EACH OTHER AS ANGELS

- Crowley is so proud of his universe and nebulas

- STILL NOT GETTING HIS PRE-FALL NAME

- the reverse wing cover in comparison to season 1

- maggie is a gay disaster

- gabriel walking naked through town to the bookshop had me cry laughing

- crowley living in his car? the plants in the back seat

- myself vs ourselves 😩

- the husbands™️ are fighting 😭

- FORCED PROXIMITY LESBIANS?!

- DISABLED ANGEL I LOVE IT

- the apology dance

- them treating Gabriel like a pet you’re hiding from your parents

Episode 2

- HIS CHILDREN?!

- MORE MURIEL

- Gabriel’s hair in the past 😂

- Heaven takes part in the bystander effect fr fr

- Crowley sleeping in his Bentley

- A JUKEBOX THAT BUDDY HOLLY’S RECORDS LIKE THE BENTLEY

- Greetings “I’m Jim”

- THE FLY

- Plan “Get the lesbians together”

- STANDING IN THE RAIN LIKE IN SEASON 1, EPISODE 1

- A CLUE

- my head can’t hold all that

- “Bildad the shuhite” “sure”

- “i know you” “You don’t know me”

- HE COULDNT KILL THE GOATS

- Ennon’s a little fruity

- “I’m a demon. I lied”

- “He has a permit”

- CROWLEY IS WHY HE LIKES HUMAN FOOD

- THE LET ME TEMPT YOU vs “ARE YOU TRYING TO TEMPT ME”

- shoemaking and obstetrics

- “our car/ our bookshop”

- GOOD OMENS THE BOOK IN GOOD OMENS

- “I’m a demon. I lied” pt 2 😭😭

Episode 3:

- Jim’s mug”

- MURIEL POLICE OUTFIT

- I love her 🫶🏻😭

- HIM BRINGING HIS PLANTS INTO THE BOOKSHOP

- “For like 200 years”

- LAZURI MIRACLE SCALE FOR LAZURUS

- AZIRAPHALE DRIVING

- HIM WRITING ABOUT CROWLEY IN HIS DIARY

- David getting to be really Scottish but like pretending to be bad at it

- Crowley can feel his Bentley

- ITS YELLOW

- them fighting over the car/ Book selling threat

- gravity

- he gets drunk on poison skshsksj

- HE TURNED SMALL

- KAIJU CROWLEY

- “stunning view”

- crowley tossing books

- “we probably don’t have what you’re looking for and we wouldn’t sell it to you if we did”

- AND GRINDR

- “you have no idea”

- ARMAGEDDON 2???

- Shax must be invited in

- SHAX HAS HIS OLD APARTMENT

Episode 4

- FLASHBACK TO THE WW2 SCENE

- OMG LADIES OF CAMELOT FROM THE OPENING CREDITS

- THEY’RE BACK 😂 AND IN HELL

- “I’m fu -*piano*”

- MAGICIAN AZIRAPHALE AGAIN

- ZOMBIES

- SPIDER PUNISHMENT 😳

- that’s what…friends…do

- “Wow me with your miracles”

- the way crowley supports his little magic act

- AZIRAPHALE OWNS A GUN

- “someone you can really trust” *immediately looks to crowley*

- Same legion 😂

- HE SLIGHT OF HANDED HIM

- “you said trust me” “and you did”

- Crowley’s pet

- THE CAR FOLLOWS AZIRA

Episode 5

- Good omens is Anti-HOA

- THE FEZ

- okay shax we see your war fit

- the french

- HE DIDNT TELL HIM ABOUT SHUT YOUR STUPID MOUTH AND DIE ALREADY

- Muriel is so pure i love her istg

- you’re weird

- JIM’S SUIT

- THE DEMON LEGION IN MASKS

- a seamstress

- the dancing

- ELEVATOR TO HEAVEN AND HELL

- THE ANGLE

- ALSO NOT THE BOOKSHOP

- THE COAT

- him lining them up with the buddy system

- nina and maggie staying

- RESCUING ME MAKES HIM SO HAPPY

- Arrest me

- ah shit here we go

Episode 6

- Badass Azira has entered the chat

- Crowley’s fit change and little run

- MAGGIE NO

- Shax really said “leave and i’ll smite you”

- A THRONE OR A DOMINION OR ABOVE

- They never change their passwords

- HE WAS IN THE HIGHEST RANKS?!

- gabriel was on trial

- THE CANDLES! THE EXTINGUISHERS! HE HAS TRAUMA FROM THE FIRE

- EMOTIONAL SUPPORT ANGEL

- HE WAS REMOVED FROM OFFICE

- FOR ONE PRINCE OF HEAVEN TO BE CAST OUT…THATS DEFINITELY HIM SAYING CROWLEY WAS AN ARCHANGEL HOLY FUCK

- That’s why he showed up naked..holy shit

- OMG HIS HALO

- “I MAY HAVE JUST STARTED A WAR”

- the awkward elevator

- HIS MEMORIES

- MICHEAL AND BEELZEBUB CHATTING

- THEY LIKE EVERYDAY SO HE MADE SURE THE RECORD IS ALWAYS EVERYDAY 😩

- THEY GAVE HIM A FLY

- NEIL DELIVERED THE SHIP

- “No one’s ever given me anything before” 😭😭

- “You. Thank you”

- “I FOUND SOMETHING THAT MEANT MORE TO ME THAN CHOOSING SIDES”

- THEY SANG TOGETHER SKSJSK

- METATRON THE VOICE OF GOD

- Crowley putting the bookshop back together

- Nina saying she’d hope Maggie will be there when she’s ready

- “YOURE NOT HELPING, ANGEL” Nina pls the parallel

- “Nothing lasts forever” 😭😭😭😭

- him crying as he puts on his glasses

- “NO NIGHTINGALES “

- “WE COULD’VE BEEN US”

- THE KISS

- “I forgive you” “don’t bother”

- Muriel getting the bookshop

- THE SECOND COMING

- NOT “A NIGHTINGALE IN BERKLEY SQUARE”

- they’re both so clearly unhappy and heartbroken

[jocelynmakenna]

Ok not to like defend ludinus or anything but like... I get where he's coming from.

Like we, as an audience, know the truth of the calamity. We spent 20 hours this past summer crying over it. We know that Vespin tried to do some cool shit, found out he would be forgotten forever, and instead of choosing anonymity the way the matron did, he chose to be remembered. Wizard hubris.

Ludinus doesn't know this. If he really was born in the calamity, he would just know some human mage helped the betrayer gods escape. If he was born early enough, he would've seen the fall of aeor, as betrayers and prime deities alike brought down a city that, from a mortal perspective, was trying to defend itself from the warring gods.

If the gods could put their war on hold to smite a bunch of humans from the sky, then return to their pointless war, causing thousands more mortals to die, I can kinda get why he's jaded. I also get why he has the perspective that the gods were trying to stop human innovation, from his perspective, they kinda did. The calamity itself was a HUGE loss for arcane magics, where places like aeor and avalir crumbled, vasselheim stood strong, a beacon of divine magics.

It's important to remember that Ludinus has a limited view on the situation, as do our PCs. We as the audience (and the players themselves to an extent) know more information than any in world character. I genuinely think Ludinus sees himself not only as a hero, but as a savior.

Again not to defend Ludinus (because fuck that guy so much) but man Matt took him from being a two dimensional "bad guy" to someone who has so much motive and interesting character motivations. Love it.

[penname-artist]

Excuse me while I vomit fantasy AU plans I can literally never commit to because [redacted redacted redacted redacted re]

Living in a world overrun with fantasy creatures, but that's just normal. There's no clear segregation and there's no clear war of discrimination (yet or that we know of) but there just. Are creatures. Everywhere. Support your local centaur blacksmith today.

(No but seriously I am fucking wholistically obsessed with centaurs and if given the chance I will run rampant with them, don't bring them near me I WILL start gnawing on horse person AU plans specifically-)

Modern fantasy??? Like we still have royalty and knights and castles and shit but ALSO it's the 21st century and nobody goes to war anymore this is all just for pagentry because the internet loves aesthetics (and the royal family is usually just a bunch of fame-hungry streamers, let's be honest with ourselves)

Nick. As royalty. Fucking sends me. Fuck you I will have my foolish horny rich prince however I want. He spends all day thinking about how pretty he is, he has no alternative thoughts, except maybe looking at other pretty people and going "I would fuck that" or "I would let that fuck me" etc etc

WORLD OF CARS ROYALTY AU THOUGH????????? LIKE- a royal family made up of helicopters. Castles designed for all manor of vehicles. Shipyards and harbors become commonplace for large gatherings. Fancy clothing translated as detailed liveries. VEHICLE KNIGHTS. WHY ARE WE FUCKING SLEEPING ON THIS IDEA GUYS, WE COULD RULE THE WORLD WITH THIS SHIT

Magic is very fun, imo, and we need more of it. But not like more normal magic, I want like cool weird magic. I want magic rules that haven't been used a hundred million times over. Maybe some people can wander through wormholes. Maybe some people can, idk. Burn bread. I'm rambling but the point is magic

Apollo totally needs to be a naga / snake person in a fantasy AU at all times. He would have some Kaa or Cheshire Cat vibes (let's not connect the dots to that with some of the fics I've written in the past) but also he would just be extremely sassy and fashionable like that.

Help I accidentally made a whole folklore story about two gods that exist and rule (indirectly) over a fantasy realm and now this idea lives in my head rent free and I literally can't get it out. Every time I grab it Nick goes "think again bitch!" and starts skipping around and laughing evilly while evading my every attempt to WordsTM

Funny story I've attempted to tie together a WoC universe fantasy AU THREE TIMES NOW and - again - it lives in my head rent-free and evading authorities. I will smite this bastard, you watch. it's going to happen. I will force it to sit in a chair and exist to spite itself.

Other combo-deal AUs I have slept on if not slightly dabbled with: royalty AU but they're mermaids and shit; royalty AU but they're bird people and shit; royalty AU but it's an excuse to write another sappy Blade/Nick story because fuck you I said so and shit

Windlifter being royalty also but in secret but also we kinda always knew (it's totally canon you guys)

I will not be questioned on this, Cabbie is a goddamn centaur, period. No refunds. He grumpy he sleppy HE TAKE BIG STEPPY. (excuse for the Smokejumpers to ride in a wagon behind him and do The Skyrim BitTM on the regular) Also Dipper because...because.

Dusty gives me "normal guy on the surface, absolutely cursed monster demon spawn entity trying to be silenced" vibes

Maru = Eda the Owl Lady. Fuck your society I will be a witch however I please!!

Hi do you accept pirates because that guy in the grey with the 81 over there, yeah that's a pirate now and he's supposed to be getting his own Our Flag Means Death crossover ONE OF THESE FUCKING DAYS

I don't care what Blade is as long as it's aesthetically pleasing. A king, a prince, a knight in shining armor, an outcast sorcerer, a cursed deity, literally a plot device I DON'T CARE MAKE HIM LOOK SEXY IN ARMOR AND WE'RE GOOD

I think I'm done for now thank you for listening to my rant, these will never be finished unless they are when I stop psyching myself out of doing it because it's always a big project, have a good one

[werechicken]

Honestly I love post modern magic or urban fantasy because of this very notion: sure you can teleport but it’s just easier to take the train and Maybe sometimes it’ll do you good to work on being patient and gosh isn’t the scenery nice on a train? What better way to zen out?

Why bother with magical lantern when a flashlight can work and is easy to carry around. Save tour mana for the real shit like healing, helping, guiding, and smiting.

In this reverse case it’s magical items being used for practical purposes.

Sure the magical lantern can be used to banish spirits and chase away the darkness, but if it sits on your coffee table it’s a conversation starter and a decent living room lamp.

Sure a pocket dimension is good for holding your most dangerous stuff, but maybe also it’s a good way to build a home you can access at any time or maybe park your car.

Buying an object from a pagan/witchy store on Etsy because I like the aesthetic:

The handwritten note that reeks of sage inside of the package: May this magik ritual bowl bless your altar and bring a higher vibration of frequency to your work 🙏🔮

Me, immediately throwing my desk clutter into it:

[memento-morri-writes]

Hi Morri! Happy blorbo blursday!

This is a semi-unconventional ask, since it’s not about the characters that you’re writing, but what is your favorite DND or ttrpg character to play and why?

// @cryptid-s-wips

NEVER APOLOGIZE FOR ASKING ME ABOUT D&D. This shit is my special interest, and has been for MONTHS.

Okay, okay, buckle your seatbelt. I have a lot to say about this. (Note: the only ttrpg I'm familair with atm is d&d 5e, so just assume everything I say is about that.)

This is going under the cut, because it's about 6 miles long.

My favorite class is rogues by far. They're just so awesome??? Like, not only do they have sneak attack (my beloved), but they also get so many amazing subclasses?? Like, swashbuckler, assassin, arcane trickster are all amazing. (I'm aware this is most definitely biased by my obsession with thief/pirate/etc. characters in writing, but idc. Let me live my dream.) I have at least 4 thief characters out of my 20 or so character concepts.

Aside from rogues I love fighters, because I love stabbing people (IN GAME, I SWEAR). I've yet to play a paladin, but that would also probably be up there because it's a good balance between fighting and magic. (Smite, my beloved.) Also, Oath of Vengeance is such a sexy concept.

I will say that Warlocks have some of the best concept possibilities, though. Just the number of possibilities. Did they sell their soul? Did they ask nicely? Did they have a choice at all? What is their relationship with their patron like? (For example, I have one warlock whose patron possesses them every so often, forcing them to do things they would never agree to do. When they come to, they've received new powers. It should be noted that they didn't ask for the pact at all. But I also have a warlock who has a decent relationship with their patron, and is very happy to have their gift, and uses it to help people.)

Also, it should be known that I have a tiefling obsession. Best race in-game, hands down. Idk, I just love them so much. The horns, the tails, the colored skin, I love it all. (It will come as no surprise that I have both tiefling rogue and tiefling warlock concepts.)

When it comes to my actual characters, I have WAY too many. (The current count for concepts is 20...) The one thing they all have in common is very complicated, always traumatic, backstories. I haven't played most of them (I've only played 3 in campaigns, and one more in a oneshot, but two of those campaigns got cut very short.)

Here's a pic of my character database that I made in notion:

My favorite characters on that list are Laverna (who I've had as a concept for 2 years), Zen (the warlock I mentioned, the one who gets possessed), Alarion (half-drow ranger who started out as a sorcerer concept, but I realized that was Not Right for him.), Avra (shadar-kai assassin rogue!!!), Asra (human fighter with so much shit in her background), Rook (half-elf pirate swashbuckler who makes his debut on Satuday!!!!), Sabe ("what life is there for a warforged with no war?"), Elira (aka Ellie, autistic former gifted kid abjuration wizard with a cat familiar), and the Feylost Bard (wandered out of the woods/feywild with no memories whatsoever. Has a very uncanny valley aura about them.)

Okay, I promise I'll shut up now, but if you want to read more about my characters, I made a post about them all here, which I just updated for this ask. <3

[vapemaster42069]

JRWI: Riptide- Karaoke Night

(the links are to Spotify. i have a very limited music taste, so if you have other suggestions for songs i’d love them!! this is also both the Riptide and Grandberry pirates, even though they aren’t always together in canon :3)

Jay: Drunk, probably, having a great time and dancing along to every song even if she isn’t singing. Enthusiastically doing all of the clapping bits for other songs. She chooses to sing My Type by Saint Motel, and gets really into it, dancing as she’s singing. She’s also a Certified Expert at the White Person Dance (you know the one), and forces Lizzy to sing a couple songs with her on stage, probably something like I Think We’re Alone Now by Tiffany. They also dance together for Dancing Queen, and right after Lizzy gives her a flustered hug before mumbling about a drink and quickly walking away, blushing hard.

Chibo: Uses the magic bandana to change appearance for every song, and drags Jay and Lizzy up to sing with him a couple times. Lizzy makes him sing Highway to Hell by ACDC at least once, and she loses her shit when he starts fully dancing onstage, trips, and smacks his forehead on a doorframe. He’s not a fantastic singer, but he puts his whole chussy into it and everyone cheers along for him. He also sings Bad Romance by Lady Gaga and I Will Survive by Gloria Gaynor. Chip probably sings the most out of everyone.

Gillion: He’s having a great time, having Bro Time with John and Caspien, and dancing to every song despite having do idea how to do oversea dances. Oliver throws him a couple times, both into the water and into the air, and Gillion then falls onto the deck and yells victoriously. He semi-sucessfully does a backflip. He then sings Holding Out for a Hero by Bonnie Tyler, and sings You Belong with Me by Taylor Swift with Chip after Chip not-so-subtly asks him to join him. Chip is an adamant Swiftie, and later they do Love Story too. Gil doesn’t have a great singing voice, and has almost no pitch at all, but he makes up for it with enthusiasm. He does a keg stand, as always, then challenges Caspien to a friendly duel, where they do drunk hydromancy unsupervised. It goes about as well as you’d expect. Later, he sits with Chip and watches Jay repeatedly make Lizzy sing with her. His hand rests casually over Chip’s, and they share a soft smile.

Pretzel: plays Tequila

Oliver: Oliver is extremely nervous, but very excited, to try Karaoke. He sings I Gotta Feeling by the Black Eyed Peas, and everyone cheers so loudly for him, he’s giggling and has tears in his eyes by the time the next person is up. He sings with Chip a couple times, once with Lizzy, who dances with him onstage. Jay also does a song with him, and he looks painfully nervous the entire time, so she tries to ease the tension by inviting Gillion up. Jay also tries to teach him some breakdancing moves (why is that talent canon), and he picks it up pretty quickly. 

Lizzy: Does Not want to sing, but is easily swayed once she’s a little tipsy. She complains loudly the entire time, then sings like 4 songs in a row, a couple with Jay, some with Caspien, and one with Chip. The first song she picks is Space Girl by Frances Forever, and she avoids looking at Jay the entire time she’s singing it. Lizzy has a surprisingly nice, soft singing voice, and she’s genuinely talented once she gets over the initial awkwardness of Karaoke. She is the first one, but not the only one, to sing Dancing Queen by ABBA.

Caspien: He’s down to try, and mostly sings with other people. The only one he does alone is by I Wish by Skee-Lo, and Gillion and John cheer so loudly for him, they go hoarse for a couple minutes. Gillion lights up his sword to smite and makes a light show effect for his performance.

Marshall John: He likes the classics of Karaoke, and he does Dancing Queen too. He also does Don’t Stop Believing by Journey, and Total Eclipse of the Heart by Bonnie Tyler with Gillion. He eventually does a couple songs with Oliver and then Lizzy, then Mamma Mia by ABBA alone. He is a proud ABBA stan, surprisingly enough. Oliver shouts the “FUCK” part of the song (think like michaelmcchill), and everyone absolutely loses it. John can’t even sing the rest of the chorus bc he’s laughing so hard, and he claps Oliver on the back when he’s done. Oliver goes bright pink.

Gryffon: He adamantly refuses to sing, but eventually agrees once Chip, Pretzel, and Crab collectively make puppydog eyes at him. He sings Where Did The Party Go by Fallout Boy, and absolutely BODIES it. Like this man is so unironically talented, he’s just kinda standing there on stage while everyone listens, jaws on the floor. He also sings a duet with Pretzel on Tequila, and Chip tries to dance with him. It ends up with Chip dancing his heart out, pointing to Gryffon for a couple seconds, who is standing still, whooping, then going back to dancing. Gryffon also joins in on throwing Gillion a couple times, and shoots him with a lazer, much to everyone’s entertainment.

And of course, they end off the night with Hole in Your Heart! Everyone is half-asleep at that point, and Gillion is fully drunk and has his arm around Chip. Oliver plays the cowbell. Lizzy is passed out, and Jay quietly sings along while putting a blanket over her. Caspien knows about half the words, and kind of follows enthusiastically. Gryffon looks extremely confused but rolls with it. Alphons, southern, acts as a disco ball.

[alovesongshewrote]

Kiss Me | Hisirdoux Casperan

Plot:  A fight between Douxie and the reader attracts some unwanted attention, and the only way out is to kiss.  At least in your opinion.  [Hisirdoux Casperan x Gender Neutral! Rival!Rreader]

Word count:  1,734

Warnings:  fighting, rivalry, tension (owo),  a lil’ spicy (bc rivals to lovers, so you know how that goes), swearing

A/N: I used some dialogue prompts from the blogs corvidprompts and dialogue-prompts because witty banter is hard to write

Magic was weird.

It was colourful and glowy, and it lit up the night.  Magic was super pretty, but also super noticeable, and that made it really hard to fight your arch-rival in the dark of the night without anyone noticing.  That didn’t mean you weren’t going to try.

And try you did!  With a blast of blue light, your back collided with a tree, ripping the breath from your lungs.

“Oh, come on Casperan,” you wheezed, “I know you can do better than that,” you paused again to violently cough, supporting yourself with the tree you had hit.  The tree was loose.

“Seriously (L/N)?” Hisirdoux emerged from the tree line, “Now is not the time for witty banter,”

“This isn’t banter, it’s flirting.  Now keep still, it’s harder to hit you when you move around like that,”  

He groaned as you steadied your hands, taking aim at the wizard.  He did the same.  The two of you moved against each other in sync, letting your magic fly towards your opponent.  Red and blue collided in the air, illuminating the night sky with a purple glow for the briefest of moments.  Your hits landed, and you were both blown back.

“Ugh,” you groaned, making your way up from the ground, “You… suck,”

“Oh, what, no more witty banter, darling?”

“Ok, you know what?  Fuck you, fuck this, when I’m done kicking your ass I’m going out and buying white flowy shirts and tight pants and we’re doing this like proper rivals!  You wanna insult me?  SEND ME A LETTER,”

“You talk too much,”

“Shut up,”

Red magic threw him back this time, you ran to his body, eager to kick him while he was down.  And you did.  He groaned, “Ugh, harder dadd-”

“Jesus, Casperan, you could at least buy me dinner first,”

“Cheeky,” he laughed out.  You allowed him to rise from the ground, getting yourself into a combative position.

“You’re so strange, you know that,”

“Yeah, I’m not the only one,”

You ran at him, throwing punches and spells in his direction.  Red and blue mixed, turning the world around you purple.  Eventually, it was enough to knock him onto his back.  Unfortunately, he took you with him.

You also landed unfortunately, straddling his lap, “Like I said emo boy,” you exhaled, “Dinner first,”

He made a noise between a groan and a screech, flipping you onto your back and jumping off of you, “Bold of you to assume I could afford that,”

“Oh god, do they not tip in this town?”

“Nope,”

“Oh, honey, I’m sorry,”  you let your guard down for a moment, relating to the hell of retail all too well.  Douxie, of course, used this against you, taking your legs out with his staff.

“Ahhh, ow.  That hurt, you bastard,”

He sighed, kneeling next to you, “You know we could avoid this if you just did as I asked,”

“Never gonna happen,”  You sprung up, grabbing his shoulders and pulling him to the ground.

“I will smite you,”

“Yeah, yeah,” you said, struggling to your feet, “You couldn’t smite a paper towel if it set itself on fire.  Get some perspective,”

You threw another spell at him, the red light threw him back a few feet.  He crawled to his knees.

“Awwe, Doux you’re on your knees in front of me.  Looks like you’ve really hit rock bottom,”

“It might, but I’ve brought a shovel and I’m ready to dig!”

“You really didn’t understand what I meant,”

You lifted your fists, red light surrounded them, Douxie did the same, still on his knees.  His frame was illuminated with blue light.

“I should’ve left you on the street corner where I found you,” he said, preparing to curse you. “BUT YA DIDN’T,”  you wasted no time, springing at him from your spot.  This time it was Douxie who hit a tree.

“C’mon now Doux,” you stalked over to the wizard, “Why do you hate me so much?  Is it really you?  Or did Merlin tell you I was a big bad bad influence and you instantly believed him?”

Douxie growled,  “That’s enough.  Get out of Arcadia (L/N),”

“Awe, but I was just starting to like it here,” you smirked, “Just tell me,” you dragged out the last word,  “Why do you want me gone so badly?”

“Because you’re a threat!”  the wizard sprung up and threw a spell your way.  It just missed you, but there was no time to celebrate.   Another curse was headed your way,

“You have no morals!  You don’t care about anyone but yourself!”  Douxie’s magic shot out at you.  With each spell, his control lessened, the blue light becoming more and more chaotic, and more and more of a threat.  

You too were losing control of the situation, and now you were struggling to regain it, mostly through banter.

“That’s not true!  I care about my dog,”  Your response only enraged the wizard further, making the situation worse.  More spells came your way.  You did the only thing you could and kept dodging, backing up and away from Douxie, who advanced on you.  It was becoming more and more clear that Merlin was not a card you should have played.

“You don’t take anything seriously!  You’re cruel and unusual, and,” Douxie stopped talking.  You took the moment to catch your breath, staring down your opponent.  Usually, the rivalry between you and the wizard was light-hearted, but the look in his eyes told another story.  Your heart sunk as you realized he might actually hate you.

The thought made you sick.  Did you even want to keep fighting if that was the case?  

You didn’t.

So, when Douxie came at you, you did nothing.  You just stood there as he advanced, backing you into yet another tree and pining your arms above your head.  You gasped slightly, feeling your heartbeat pick up speed in your chest, the sound of it roared in your ears.  Could he hear that?   You hoped not.

He leaned closer to you, his lips beside your ear.  You pressed your eyes shut.  If he hated you, what came next?  This was a very strange way to kill someone.

“You’re cruel and unusual, and you keep distracting me,” “What!?”

“I said, you keep-”

“Sorry to interrupt,”  Archie’s voice nearly drew a scream from you, “But someone is coming!”

You took a moment to curse the light show that was magic before looking around.  You could see bushes moving nearby.  Someone was definitely headed your way.

“Shit,” you muttered.

“Archie, hide,”  Douxie’s familiar did as he asked while you pondered what the hell to do next.  If anyone found you and Douxie in this position it would raise a lot of questions.  There was only one thing you could think to do.  It would also raise questions, but hopefully, there would be fewer of them because there were no other options.

“Kiss me,”

“What?”

There was no time.  Whoever it was was only moments from finding the two of you.

So, you broke from the wizard’s hold, grabbing his face and bringing your lips to his.  The kiss was soft.  His body was warm.  Your eyelids fluttered closed as you moved a hand from his face to the back of his neck.  His hands moved too, finding their way to the small of your back, pulling you closer to him.

The two of you moved in perfect sync as if the universe had made you for each other.  The kiss became more passionate, stealing your breath and making your heartbeat even faster than before.  Sparks ran through your body, demanding more, more what you didn’t know.  Every nerve was on fire.  Your body burned like an ember smouldering in the night.  

Unfortunately, you couldn’t focus all of your being into the kiss, as much as you wished you could.  You stated alert, listening for whoever had come to investigate the bright lights in the forest.  You said a little thank you to the gods when the person missed you entirely and disappeared back into the trees.

And then you cursed them because that meant you had to separate yourself from Douxie.

Your lips came apart, leaving both of you breathing heavily.  You shut your eyes again and brought your forehead to rest on his chest.  He didn’t let go of you.  If anything, he only brought you closer to him, burying his face in your hair.

“So,”

“So,”

You looked up at him, “That was nice,”

“It was totally nuclear,”

You smiled slightly, before moving your hands from his neck to encircle his waist, “I’m sorry.  For what I said about Merlin, I’m sorry,”

“I’m sorry too, love.  For everything, all of this.  I-I didn’t mean-”

“I know,”

“And I know you care about the world outside of you, and your dog and-”

“Douxie?”

“Yeah?”

“Just shut your mouth and kiss me again,”  

The wizard did what you told him.  This time, you let yourself melt into it.

The kiss was too short in your opinion, but you had more questions, “So, I guess you don’t hate me, huh?”

“(Y/N), darling, I could never hate you.  I think you’re amazing.  You’re so strong, and fearless, and you’re one of the most skilled magic users I’ve ever met.  You distract me because you’re just so-”

“Beautiful,” you cut him off, not talking about yourself, but rather to yourself about Douxie.

“Yeah, that,”  

You kissed again, this time, the length was more satisfactory.

“So, what do we do now?”

“I still wanna go to dinner sometime.  And I’m getting the bill because the tips in this town suck,”

“I-”

“No, seriously, I got it.  I invested in Apple back in the day,”

“You’re brilliant,”

“Thanks, I know,”

The two of you shared a smile, reveling in the moment until a small cough came from one of the bushes.

“Oh, yeah, hey Arch,”

“Hi, Douxie.  (Y/N),”

“Hey Archie, how are you?”

“I’m just fine, but right now Douxie and I need to get back into town.  The bookstore won’t guard itself,”

“It literally will with warding, but ok,”

“Go home with your familiar emo boy, your bookstore needs you,”

“What about you?”

“Don’t worry, I’ll be around.  I’ll pick you up sometime on Saturday for dinner?”

“Nuclear,”

You giggled again, pecking him on the lips one more time before letting him go.

“Goodnight. Casperan,”

“Goodnight, (L/N),”

[emotionalwizard]

Oh hey, something relevant to me, too.

Anon, I was in your shoes for a while, and it was rough. I had undergone a lot of character growth and deep thinking about my faith before one day, I'd reached critical mass and realized that the version of Capital-G God that I had been raised with simply could not exist the way everyone sold him. My fellow wizard here was around during a good deal of my aftershocks and helped walk me through those, and for that, I am very grateful.

As for where I'm at NOW, and what advice I can give here as a fellow apostate who presents as a fallen angel...

Building off of Creature's advice, I'll start with the old Problem of Evil: If God is omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent, and omnibenevolent, why does our world sometimes suck?

If God thinks this is better for us, then he's either not omnipotent or omniscient, since he couldn't imagine or produce a better system for us than this, or not omnibenevolent. God predates pain and sickness, exists free of it, INVENTED it, and when he supposedly incarnated on Earth as Jesus, he always did so with the power to back out of the deal by using magic. Judging us by comparing his experience on Earth with our own, especially when he's the one who put us in these awful situations to begin with while all of his troubles were predetermined and fully anticipated, is hypocrisy, plain and simple.

So, if we assume that our world was created by one big intelligence, and that Christianity's take is the closest one to reality (which is jumping a whole bunch of hoops, but let's stay on topic), what we have is either a nasty hypocrite who sees your pain and has all the knowledge, ability, and time to soothe it and doesn't because Stop Asking Questions... or we get a big doofus who is trying his best for us and kinda falling on his face.

He's either evil or incompetent, and neither is, in my opinion, worthy of being worshiped.

As for forgiveness... well, the former option, the tyrant, probably won't forgive you for leaving him behind. He also won't forgive you for various thoughts that your brain is hardwired to give you, which is something he programmed in, unless you bow and scrape and kiss his feet, so who gives a fuck? He's a bully that gave you a Hobson's Choice to either worship him or eat shit, and he can shove his "forgiveness" where the sun doesn't shine.

That said, if you were more drawn to him less because you wanted a powerful authority figure and more because you wanted a friend who was going to do his best to take care of you, someone who genuinely loved you and protected you and was gonna be your friend to the end... consider God the Well-Intentioned Klutz.

A God that designed fish with a nerve in their heart and gills that worked out and forgot to rearrange it so it didn't need to take the scenic route all the way through the neck of a giraffe. A God that had an idea for an upright, thinking biped, but wasn't sure how to resolve the back pain or the depression. A God that was doing his best to lead the Israelites to victory and the Promised Land, but couldn't pull a miracle out of his hat against soldiers with iron chariots. A God that was so mad about how everyone was behaving that, in one story, he picked this one family of favorites, got them onto a boat, and then killed everyone else with water, and then immediately regretted it and made a promise that he won't do it again, no matter how rotten he thinks we had become.

A God that once touted himself as the greatest of all, the most jealous and wrathful in the world, who would smite cities and countries for their ways with nuclear force... who later came back, in the same form as everyone else, and said "I've asked way too much of you. Nobody could ever meet my standards. Forget the old laws I gave you. Let's start over."

...Do you really think a God like that wouldn't forgive you for losing faith in him when he hasn't been able to provide you with reason to believe?

Personally, I don't think so. I think that, if he is as good as they say, then he'd still love his prodigal children and want to do everything in his power to take care of them, no matter what.

That's what good parents do.

do you think God will forgive me for not being Christian anymore?

I ask this in all seriousness: Why do you care?

You made a decision not to follow this particular god anymore. Why should his opinion matter to you?

It's like, sometimes you gotta accept that you're going to piss some people off and that their anger means nothing to you. IMO the same goes with certain deities, if they are what certain people say they are.

(And I'm not saying that the Christian god is as bad as his nastiest followers say, just saying that if he is, his opinion really just shouldn't matter to any decent person.)

[flyingupward]

critical role - vox machina chapter 4 - attack of the conclave

all sentences taken from episodes 39-56 of the first campaign of critical role. feel free to change pronouns, phrasing etc. to fit your needs!

“All this time, you’ve been trying to kick my teeth in and your true enemy was right over there.”

“That’s good. Moving is not my forte.”

“We’re in a hentai. Make it go away.”

“Not all short people look alike.”

“God, I wish I was not made of farts.”

“We live in a cold, cold world. No one deserves anything.”

“You chose so poorly. It is truly impressive how poorly you chose.”

“Stay away from all men. Forever.”

“I’m glad I came in handy for that field trip.”

“I hate your friends!”

“Little do they know I shop for everything at Home Goods so joke’s on them.”

“It’s just radioactive material in the basement. It’s fine.”

“Somehow the coffee has not been poured on your head. That’s the greatest magic trick I’ve seen all morning.”

“Everything else was dragons. Why wouldn’t it be dragons?”

“Sorry, I was so caught up in the fact that I’m literally going up against death incarnate.”

“You’re a magnificent handsome bastard. Don’t die.”

“Do not go far from me.”

“He’s just a sociopath, that’s all.”

“There are dragons outside and we’re playing rugby with a fucking skull!”

“A simple mind is looking for a simple solution to a complex problem.”

“I’m a firm believer that there’s always a way to victory if we’re smart about it and we’re quick about it.”

“We either stand now or we might as well be dead.”

“We try, we mostly fail, but occasionally we get it right.”

“It was such a bad deal I said no. Can you imagine how bad of a deal it must have been?”

“No offense darling, but you look like shit.”

“If we’re going to be roaming about the streets, I’d like you to not fall open like a can of baked beans if you don’t mind.”

“Let’s not get overexcited about the sudden realization that some of us can be a bit iffy.”

“Thank you for that smattering of applause.”

“I have one of those terrible ideas I get on occasion.”

“This is politics. You’re not supposed to like them.”

“You can talk my fucking ear off in a moment. Shut up for a second.”

“If the parasite hasn’t a host to feed on, the parasite dies.”

“I never forget that when I rule, I rule these people as well.”

“One day, you’re going to stop being afraid of me and I hope that day comes soon.”

“There’s no swinging by, that’s a caper.”

“It will be built back better than before. That’s what we do.”

“We have a lot of Pop Tarts, but not very many gold pieces.”

“This is where I live. What are you doing here?”

“I’m cold and I still haven’t been paid.”

“We’re not trying to score points. We are trying to do right.”

“This is fucking happy fun bunch over here. They bring death with them everywhere they go.”

“And to think I might have briefly missed you.”

“You have to find the no name guy who’s going to help you find the stuff that’s hidden that nobody knows where it is or what it is.”

“What do you want to do? Do you want to stay here while the world burns?”

“World’s always ending, baby.”

“It would be wondrous, after we complete this transaction, that we never meet again.”

“Oh my God, I just buy healing to save my life, what a waste.”

“I’m going to stand over here and fail to stay in character, okay?”

“Let’s all have a toast to the inevitability of the universe.”

“My God, I love other people’s problems.”

“Are we sober yet?”

“I think her foolish impulses are exactly what we’re looking for.”

“Better to die a fool for something than live in regret for doing nothing.”

“I think we want her to do her stupidest.”

“You’re… brooding.”

“I tend to glaze over when he’s talking.”

“Lead the way, shitkicker.”

“A lot of your friends are very weird.”

“I would just like to point out that I’m mostly sober.”

“That’s okay because remember, I’m me.”

“I’d like to stand up, please.”

“I’m scared to death which is why the math is so bad.”

“I’ve met few as unremarkable as you in my travels.”

“Well then, we’re in trouble. I have an attitude about everything.”

“Yeah, there’s like 37 things we have to do before tomorrow so… ”

“She’s not really gonna care about court so much as ripping the bones from your back.”

“I thought you were gonna tell me a dirty joke or something. When you say, ‘Come here,’ that’s usually what that means.”

“It doesn’t matter if it’s going to be daylight if we’re underground.”

“I’m really hoping that it’s the worst decision we make because then everything’s uphill.”

“I like who we are together and I think that that’s important.”

“Dying in slow motion over here.”

“Oh good, more darkness.”

“Oh my God, you’re going into a special section of your book. That’s never good.”

“I’m very aware that my greed killed me.”

“Oh, I must have missed it because I was dead. That’s right.”

“Do you have feelings and did that hurt them?”

“I’m pretty tired after dying.”

“I think I love you too. I’m just terrified to allow myself to.”

“We are a city of seasonal affective disorder.”

“So I heard a rumor that you sort of saved my life in a really creepy sort of way.”

“By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you my Pokemon.”

“Your secret is safe with my indifference.”

“I always fucking hear you in my mind. It’s very quiet in there these days.”

“If it becomes a problem, just raise your hand and scream.”

“Our lives are so bizarre now.”

“Why is my brain tingling? Is someone noodling around up there?”

“You know what? It’s just fire. I will be on fire.”

“Did someone lose an orb?”

“Are we really about to pretend to do CrossFit?”

“Not enough spit takes in the world for this moment in time.”

“Beyond it being an engineering issue, it might be a greed issue first.”

"She's an adult. Deep levels of arrested development, but an adult nonetheless."

“Retroactively, you’ve never been seen in your entire lives.”

“You take everything good away from all of us.”

“It’s not one problem, it’s a very large problem and a massive problem.”

“Those that give a fuck, speak up.”

“We’ve lived half our life in the shadows. You’ve made them your home.”

“I love my reckless brother as much as he hurts my heart.”

“Duck hunt’s a bitch.”

“This is so dumb. Why am I doing this?”

“Congratulations, you’re creepy as fuck.”

“Give me this you fucking hoarder. What’s the matter with you?”

“I will smite you.”

“I was born to shove things in holes.”

“Knowledge is power, for reals!”

“Are we time bandits now? Is that what’s happening?”

“I hate time travel. I hate time travel so much.”

“No worries. I didn’t need to live anyway.”

“Perhaps it’s time to be a better badass.”

“It’s been a traumatic five minutes.”

“Like any good plan, everything will go wrong.”

“Oh well, I’m fucked then.”

“Oh, tiny dancer, you are fucked.”

“He died as he lived: Deeply unimpressed.”

“Don’t you dare die happy.”

“I like that we managed to make solving problems with violence into an ABC afternoon special.”

“I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone say, ‘At dawn, we plan.’”

“I genuinely don’t understand the place you come from.”

“That is the weirdest coping mechanism I’ve ever heard of.”

“Maybe we should just sleep together and see what happens.”

“Thank you for telling me the truth after you sort of lied to me.”

“Yeah keep twitching, twitchy.”

“We totally planned at dawn!”

“Everything is terrible. Our lives are terrible. They are way worse than they were six months ago.”

“You are a fucking madman, but I’m glad you’re here.”

“I’m fucked. I understand I’m fucked. It’s fine.”

“This was all part of the plan, the hastily smushed together plan.”

“He’s a liar and a bringer of death and he’s smiling at you while he does it.”

“Bravery means nothing. Survival and victory mean everything.”

“Oh shut up, you flying suitcase.”

“You don’t need inspiration, you’re fine!”

“If I move, he’ll kill me. So I won’t.”

“Cursed Lizard! We’re going to give all your gold to the poor!”

“Don’t be so glum you old fool! This is a day of glory!”

“We will all die. It just depends on cost.”

“Oh, wow. You just said a lot of things in a very short amount of time.”

“You are the worst of us.”

“If there’s a dare involved, that’s completely different.”

“I don’t like wanting things.”

“Is it the people or is it the fact that you have finally realized how pointless it all is?”

“I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire goddam life and it’s all crashing down upon me right now.”

“The thing is you’re not wrong and you’re not crazy, but it’s not hopeless either.”

“Even surrounded by friends, I often feel so alone.”

“Thank you for being a friend even though we just met.”

“The terrible woman may have a point.”

“Woo! Good leadership!”

“The awkward woman makes a fine point.”

“It is not about idolizing ourselves, it is about a very long story which we are a very small part of.”

“I’m doing something very stupid now with my friends. We’re going to try to save the world.”

“I admire everyone in our band of misfit toys, but you most of all.”

“You are all kinds of fucked up all the time and that’s why we love you.”

“We’re all all kinds of fucked up and that’s why we all are together.”

“That’s all we can be is ish.”

[lisinfleur]

Midwife?

The request:

Author’s Notes | I don’t really believe Ivar would know what to do, but I think it’s funny to have a man of that times narrating such an unknown moment for them! 

Universe | Vikings

Pairing | Ivar x Reader

Info | Viking Age AU, requested by @sallydelys​ for 5CW7

Words | 1992

⁑ Warnings: Mentions of blood, graphic description of labor and childbirth. Keep in mind that this document may contain clinical/medical mistakes.

Middle Winter.

How the hell did I come up to get my wife heavily pregnant right in the middle of the Winter?

Y/N was swollen like a balloon, ready to pop. And I was nervous as fuck with the proximity of that event. Our firstborn child.

Something I never thought could be possible.

"Where is daddy?"

Shit.

I had called Floki through a slave that left what... three hours before the snow started falling outside again? I could bet Floki wouldn't come and I would have one less slave in my house cause that girl would end up frozen outside my house. Damn snow!

"He was supposed to be here already, love, but the snow started falling outside again. I think we may have to wait a little longer."

"I want my dad..." she cried.

Shit. Again.

Y/N was my everything. My queen, the love of my life, my first, my one, and only. But fuck... Since she got pregnant, she was completely changed, every day acting with a different mood... She was driving me crazy!

Mom told me it was the pregnancy, that I should be patient. But things sometimes would run out of my control and we would fight for hours! Just to end up with her tightly embraced on me, saying she could never live without me as much as I couldn't imagine my life without my Y/N.

Things didn't get better with the Winter arriving and her final months making her less able to move around. She wanted to walk, to go out, but the midwife told her to stay more inside the house since she started feeling dizzy once again. There was built the battlefield: she even tried to sneak out of my sight once! Imagine how good it was to have to bring my wife back home, crying because she wasn't able to reach the central square and almost fell in the middle of the way.

Since then, we thought it would be safer to be with her at Floki's cabin. Floki could help me to take a look at her, Helga could help me to keep her entertained. Their slaves could do everything for us and she would be safe when the time to give birth has come. Perfect!

If Bjorn didn't have decided to ask for a bunch of boats in the middle of the fucking Winter.

I would castrate my brother if I could! Why the fucking damn heck did Björn wanted to navigate the gods' damn sea in the middle of the freezing Winter? Couldn't he fucking wait my wife to give birth before taking Floki out of our cabin right in the day Helga said she finished my mother's dress and had to leave too?

Now we were completely alone and my little precious balloon was sadly mourning around because somehow, she wasn't feeling well and wanted her father exactly when he couldn't be there for her.

"Babe, you shouldn't be out of the bed," I complained, walking towards her when she sprouted at the living room's door, in her nightgown, walking slow like a little swollen duck.

My charming swollen duck I loved so badly.

"But Ivar... I'm not feeling well. I don't wanna stay in bed. The baby's feet are on my ribs and I can't breathe," she complained when I slowly started guiding her into our room once again.

"I know. So, we can walk a little through our room ok? Come," I insisted, ready to open the door when she held herself on the wall, pressing my shoulder with the other hand and moaning in a tone I didn't want to hear in a million years.

Her body bent forward and she let go of the wall to touch her belly.

She was in pain...

Her eyes, full of fear found mine, full of affliction.

And then, that happened.

A small moment of silence before a wet sound denounced the water flowing in the middle of her legs, making a poll around her feet.

"Ivar..." she mumbled.

"Fuck!" I answered.  

Right before she bent once again, this time, growling in pain.

"Fuck!!" I cursed again, trying to guide her with me to the bed.

Cursing my legs for not being able to lift her into my arms.

Cursing the snow for not being able to go out for a midwife.

Cursing Floki for leaving with Helga.

My mom for ordering that stupid dress. Björn for wanting his stupid boats!

May Thor smite them down into the ocean!

"Ivar... It hurts! It hurts so bad!" she cried when we finally reached the bed to lay her down.

Fuck! I was the younger of my brothers! Ubbe had seen my mother giving birth to three after him! Hvitserk? Two. Even Sigurd would be able to do something if he wasn't so young when I was born! But what did I know about birth and labors?

Shit! I knew shit about it! I slid my hands through my hair looking at her. And Y/N noticed I was completely lost.

"You need... To boil water... And you need to bring the towels that are at my mother's locker. Be careful when you get the towels wet into the water. It will help me with the pain and... you with the... blood!" she growled the last word, bending forward again.

And I almost could see her big belly contracting.

Blood? Blood.

Blood... Yeah. I remember Ubbe saying my birth was full of that shit and that he was scared of seeing the maid coming in with towels and out with red clothes dip in our mother's blood.

I wasn't ready for that shit!

I wasn't raised for that shit!

Fuck Björn's boats! A thousand times!

I sat down, getting rid of my braces - dragging I would be quicker and it wasn't time to be prideful. I then went to the heart of fire, placing a big pan I found at the kitchen over the fire and bringing water into it until it was full.

I could hear Y/N grunting inside the room, trying to breathe. And I then looked outside, seeing the snow becoming higher.

"Damn... Damn! Why the fuck are you doing this to me?" I asked the gods, lowering my head for a moment. "Frigg... Mother... I beg you, guide my hands. And for the gods' sake, end this damn storm!"

The water took some time to get hot enough so I could bring a pot to the room with the towels, leaving the bigger pan with more water to boil at the fire.

When I came into the room, Y/N was sitting in the bed, her back supported by the pillows, her knees flexed as she was breathing quickly, short.

"What do I do now?" I asked, looking at her.

About to panic at the sight of the big poll of blood that had been formed in the middle of her legs and that I was able to see as soon as I got up to the bed.

"Calm down, Ivar," she grunted, looking at me. "I'll bleed. This... This is supposed to happen. Gimme a warm towel," she asked.

And I did what she said, seeing when she placed it over her belly.

"I want you to place another in the middle of my legs, over the bed, ignore the blood, Ivar... Just... Place it over it."

Again, I did what she said, confused.

"Ivar," she called, causing me to look at her. "I want you to stay where you are. And when our child comes... You'll hold it, did you hear me?"

H... Hold it?

"You mean..." I moved my hands, looking at her.

"Take off your... gloves!" Another word grunted and I saw her pushing as something started showing up in her entrance.

And for a moment I was totally taken by that vision at the same time magic and bizarre, intense and terrifying.

My child would be born... And I would be the first one to hold it into this world.

That mix of feelings took me as I was removing my gloves, washing my hands on the water to get them clean.

What I was doing was more than I ever thought I was able to do. But what she was doing there, facing all that pain to bring my dream into this world...

What were all the fights we had?

What was the anger we had against each other?

What was everything in the face of all that love?

I raised my face to look at her. My sweaty, tired, and panting wife, putting all her efforts on pushing our child out of her belly, into this world. Her whole strength, focused only on making my dream become reality.

If she was strong enough to face all that pain for me, then I could face my fears for her.

"It's coming!" she warned, and I approached as she started pushing one more time, allowing me to support our child's head, watching as its whole body slowly came out from her body entirely, finally permitting her to sigh in relief as a strange bag of blood and meat came out as well, connected to our child by the cord.

"Oh, gods..." she cursed, relaxing in bed. "What is it, Ivar? How is my child?" she questioned.

But I was too wondered, astonished, looking at the baby moving in my hands, bothered by the air, by the temperature, by the mere sound of my breath - all new things he wasn't prepared for yet.

"Ivar?" She called, worried.

The fear growing in her voice again just to die completey when her eyes found my image, hands bathed in her blood I was now completely able to ignore, holding our child over that wet and warm towel we placed under her legs.

"It's a boy," I muttered, teary.

And our voices seemed to bother him even more because my son's forehead frowned and his voice could be heard a quarter further away from that house in such a strong cry I could never describe with my own words.

It was alive, full of strength, experimenting life for the first time...

In my hands.

I giggled, completely taken by that experience as Y/N showed me how to cut the cord, clean our baby with the towel, gently packing him in a dry towel so she could bring him against her chest, offering him the breast he accepted in goodwill, hungrily suckling from her.

I watched that scene in awe.

It was Frigg herself, with Baldr in her arms. My own goddess with our child against her chest, the product of her womb, the fruit of our love.

"We've heard the cry of a... Oh, gods... It's here, Floki!" I've heard Helga's voice and I knew she arrived at the bedroom's door such as Floki also arrived, too late to help. Soon enough to see the same wonder I was watching now.

I felt his heavy hand landing on my shoulder, but I didn't want to take my eyes from my beautiful Y/N with our son in her arms, to look at his teary eyes.

"Welcome to the boat of the ones who have already seen the gods, son," he mumbled, giggling that characteristic way of his to laugh.

But I smiled bigger, looking at Y/N who smiled back at me.

She was sweaty, covered in blood, and tired. But I was sure I would never see a woman more beautiful in the whole Miðgarðr.

"No, my friend... I didn't see the gods. A goddess lays in my bed every night. And she produced life as a gift to me."

Floki giggled again. I was speaking of his daughter after all.

But at that moment, all I could think was that if being whole was the best thing in this world, it should feel exactly like the feeling I had in my chest by looking at Y/N.

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[creacherkeeper]

How is the cowboi doing? :) I’d love to hear about some of their recent adventures.

OH WELL IT'S ME + ALSO MY DICE HATE(/love) ME SO YOU KNOW THEYRE GETTING WHUMPED CONSTANTLY LMAO

there have certainly been some Events Unfolding so those are under the cut, casey since youre in our campaign now NO PEEKING

fair warning this is .... long ..... you have asked me to talk about my dnd character and you simply CANNOT stop the floodwaters now. enter at your own risk

okay so basically the first arc of the campaign kind of kicked off with them getting a vision from their goddess (the grain goddess/goddess of agriculture) saying that she was trapped in a fey gate and that they needed to come rescue her

so erley immediately Rallied The Posse and set off to do that. they NUMEROUS times tried to pray to her, commune with her, basically just get ANY sort of communication or guidance from her, but the dice like to tell their story so i literally never got above an 11 (paladin with only +2 to religion my beloved) and they never heard from her, which was making them. pretty nervous. when it seemed like everyone else was able to talk to their gods just fine

well we eventually figured out that there was a huge gathering of fey in the woods (me: this might be too big for us to fight. what if its like 30 fey? / my dm, glancing at his notes where he has 2000 fey written down: (: ) and basically the fey like. had captured and were trying to kill what was left of the pantheon so they could bring back gaia as the One True God

we found all this out because it turned out several members of the party had been lying about how much they knew of the fey and had personal connections to the fey they'd kept hidden. and erley, who is ALSO HIDING A LOT from the party like. immediately went on the offense and was just generally very unhappy about this

there had been this fey merchant who kept popping up wherever we were trying to sell us magic weapons that seemed tied to us specifically. erley was always VERY suspicious of her and did everything in their power to stop the others from buying her weapons (which we literally had to buy with -5 to a skill point, not money, v sus) to mixed results. but basically when we got to the fey gathering (we called it gaiapalooza) erley rolled a 1 on their survival check to get through the magic field and like. got teleported to her. and they really wanted information from her so they basically were like LEORA I DONT KNOW WHO TO TRUST I THINK MY PARTY HAS BEEN LYING TO ME, CAN YOU TELL ME ANYTHING ABOUT THEM CAN YOU SEE US WHEN YOURE NOT THERE? and basically pretended to need a therapy session in order to milk her for information lmao. she also seemed like. REALLY interested in erley and i was also very nervous about that

and i was RIGHT to be suspicious of her because we found out she WAS ACTUALLY THE BIG BAD and we had to fight her in the arc finale. and several of our party members had rl stuff and were not there, and in game our druid was away casting an 8 hour long spell to try and stop the palooza ceremony, so our party was SUPER nerfed and also as soon as erley realized it WAS actually leora who was behind all of it and she WAS trying to hurt them with those weapons (the weapons were tethers to the gods to be able to kill them basically), they got .... a little angry

and my party found out after irl a year of playing these characters that erley's first level is barbarian :))

so erley raged and did frankly a staggering amount of damage in this fight, and also only stayed up because of rage because they took a LOT of hits. but also. they dont rage FOR A REASON so it sort of took them over and when leora dropped, one of the other pcs ran over to stabilize her as she was making death saves and erley :) maybe :) drove a spear through her heart and killed her :)

and her body immediately just like. overgrew with plants and vines and flowers and basically wrapped the spear in a bed of plants and it was very cinematic and cool

(we have since found out that leora was like. actually an aspect of gaia so. that is. interesting)

of course then erley popped out of rage and was like FUCK this is why i dont do this, i went too far, it always goes too far, THIS is why im ashamed of this, and just got very emo boi about it. so they used their last spell slot to cast restoration on the space they had fought in and reached out to their goddess, having just saved her and the rest of the pantheon like she had asked them to

and i rolled a nat 1!!!

(the dm was like "you have committed this violent act, you feel so low and so bad and in need of guidance, and reach out to your goddess. and the absolute lack of a response just makes you feel empty inside" and i was like :) oh :) okay cool :) you love to see that with your paladins huh)

at this point the druid came back in and, instead of erley like. examining any of their own shit immediately lashed out at her and was like "why did you lie to me about the fey, why did you lie about why you were here, why ARE you here because i realize now it wasnt to help me"

and at that point ONE OF THE FEY QUEENS WALKED IN and the druid was like "... mother ..." and we were all :O

so it turns out the fey queen is her birth mom but had like? kidnapped one of the children of her firbolg tribe and was holding her hostage and the druid was on a quest to find her and bring her back

so erley :) felt :) even more bad about that :) and very shamedly pledged their help to her, and basically was like "as long as youre on this noble quest i will follow you if you'll have me"

so we're on our second arc now, which is traveling across the country to go meet the fey queen and get this kid back. as we were traveling my dm had me roll religion and a luck check and i got a 21 ON RELIGION FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER and a 6 luck. and he was like "you dont usually dream, but you have a nightmare. you know this nightmare was given to you, it was divinely inspired, but you dont know who sent it" and it was just erley killing leora over and over and over again. so they were like. well fuck

(my dm also messaged me privately and we talked and he was like. yeah you can get rid of your oath of devotion and change it to oath of the ancients, i am not telling you or erley why the subclass has changed and you also might get nerfed later. also level up barbarian for the next fight)

so erley was. feeling PRETTY DANG BAD and very guilty and stressed and all that. they did also realize their barbarian side was getting stronger which, considering their backstory is all tragic barbarian shit they were NOT happy about. i was fully prepared to have them be more ostracized from the party and go into full angst mode, but then the druid actually like. pulled them aside and explained why she had hidden information from them, and had a very sweet conversation with them and held their hand and it was VERY touching (she also had the baller line "you think your goddess can hear you and she's not answering. but maybe you're talking in a whisper and she needs to hear you scream")

we had another fight (we're level 7 and my dm told us after it was a cr 32 fight like. dude??? what the fuck?????) and once again erley didnt go down only because of rage

THEY ALSO UNINTENTIONALLY CAST MISTY STEP (which is an ancients spell they didnt have before) and were like WELL NO TIME TO UNPACK WHAT THAT WAS RIGHT NOW, HAVE TO NOT DIE

after the battle was over i asked to roll a check to figure out why i had access to that spell and got :) yeah you guessed it :) another nat 1 :) so erley has literally no idea how they cast that or what it could mean. we just had a new pc introduced who is a sorcerer so erley is definitely going to talk to her and see if she knows anything. because they are FULLY IN THE DARK about their subclass change or what that means in game

we're also (because of the fucking cr 32 fight) going to be leveling up again soon, and babey you KNOW im leveling barbarian. after rage kept me up and then rolling another nat 1 religion check, and also me the player not knowing whats up with their goddess/magic, i simply cant level paladin rn. so im BETWEEN A FEW SUBCLASS OPTIONS and ive been thinking them over but i think it really depends how the next few games go

my FULL ANGST option was to make them level into zealot barbarian like their awful dad, but i thought that made the least sense in universe rn

secondary angst option is to level into berserker, which i think fits pretty closely with how i've been roleplaying the rage so far. trading off an extra attack for a level of exhaustion fits pretty closely. also whump central

the NICE option is to have them be a totem warrior barbarian, and have both their paladin steed and their totem be a bull :) (they are a cowboi after all) i think thats the closest i can marry their two classes and potentially have some healthy growth for them, let them see that the rage doesnt HAVE to be a bad thing, that being a barbarian isnt something they HAVE to be ashamed of. reskinning the bear totem would give them resistance to all damage but psychic while raging, and im planning on taking the tough feat, so theyd pretty much be ... an unstoppable tank. plus i can still divine smite while in rage so theyd be VERY powerful

and now youre all caught up on my very special boi :))))) bet you didnt expect quite that much of an infodump but. listen. listen im simply obsessed with dnd i cannot help it. any chance to talk about my characters i WILL TAKE IN A HEARTBEAT (thank u for prompting my ramble lmao)