#I literally just came back from the gym when I saw it trending

[larryloverinfinity]

WHAT DO YOU MEAN ZAYN REPLIED TO LIAM OMG ANSKALSMNSKSSKSNNSKAMAMALMSKSNSKAMSNSK SMSNSKSNSKANSNAKSNAMKS SKANSKANS AKNSMAKSNAKA SNAK SMA SMA SKANSNANA ANANSNNAHHHHHHHHHHGHHHHHHHHHHHH

[otnesse]

Reblogging mostly for additional info:

Quite frankly, all of the above has me realizing just how much WORSE and even more pointless GCYL truly was, just HOW damaging it and AG truly was to the overall anime, especially regarding the disrespectful treatment of Gym Leaders that started in AG and continued into DP and even Best Wishes to some degree.

As zdbztumble pointed out, Misty's sisters, while we never actually saw them battle, were strongly implied to be fairly competent trainers, and at the very least the types to actually TAKE gym duties seriously (with it being made VERY clear they simply had a huge stroke of bad luck regarding losing to three pallet trainers in a row, including Gary who rubbed their noses in the loss). In fact, part of the reason Misty journeyed was to prove herself to her sisters since they othered her as not being to their level. In fact, they even said their water shows were purely a hobby of theirs, meaning even THEY knew their gym duties came first ultimately. They would NEVER have been the types to just abandon the gym to go on a cruise for three months knowing that much. By having them leave the gym, and then adding a wrinkle in AG as well as the Hoso Specials by revealing they constantly handed out Gym Badges like candy without ANY fight at all (like cleaning the pool), and even implying in Battle Frontier that they were SO incompetent they had to literally CALL Misty to threaten her to return or else they'll hand out badges again (despite it going against Luvdisc is a Many Splendored Thing where Daisy took charge and names), it came across as outright degrading not just to Misty's character, but also to her sisters, made Misty's entire journey in the Original Series come across as POINTLESS (ESPECIALLY when you take into account that her sisters were essentially the closest thing Misty had to actual long-term rivals). And it took until XY and ESPECIALLY SM and MPM to actually FIX that catastrophic damage to Gym Leaders' reputations as a result.

It's not just Misty or her sisters that fell victim to this as well: We also had Brock's family fall victim to this in AG as well, especially Lola, who was so grossly incompetent at running a gym that she made Misty's sisters in AG look like model gym leaders by comparison. And Flint was depicted as even MORE useless, unable to stop his wife, heck, even had him being baffled by Brock referencing Ash's win against him (even though Flint IS the reason Ash even HAD an advantage against Brock that time). Then we had Forrest not even STOPPING Lola from doing even WORSE decorations or even hiring shady painters who were later revealed to essentially be trying to pull a Marv and Harry and try to outright burglarize the gym, oh, and SOMEHOW had Flint, Lola, even BROCK neglecting to fill out paperwork regarding Forrest being the new Gym Leader according to a DP special. And don't get me STARTED on the AG Gym Leaders from Flannery up to even Juan, where they were ALL depicted as complete pushovers (yes, even Norman, even moreso when his first win against Ash was more to force Ash to go the route of the games). Made to look more like Team Rocket in terms of incompetence. And this trend continued in one way or another with DP and Best Wishes (DP to a lesser extent, and that's only because they were made competent at the expense of Ash and Pikachu).

I'll be blunt, GCYL should NEVER have happened. Not in the way it was actually done, anyways. Maybe have Misty volunteer to return to the gym for a little while (and it STRICTLY being a little while, with her returning once her sisters are back), and still actually RETAINING her goal of Water Pokemon Master. Oh, and also making sure the Gym Leaders in Hoenn were actually COMPETENT. Just because the players of Ruby and Sapphire might have an easy time beating the Gym Leaders DOESN'T mean they should have Ash breeze through them with a purely rookie team. And it robbed Misty of a perfectly good goal. And yes, I do mean "robbed", as the decision to return to Cerulean Gym was completely FORCED on her, she had zero say in the decision at all. At least Brock and even Serena CHANGED their goals of their own free will with no proverbial guns to their heads beforehand. And if you ask me, with the exception of Iris (and even she's only an exception in a limited sense, as she STILL needs to be in Unova to be formally recognized as a Dragon Master), it also short-changed Misty's successors ultimately, their goals LITERALLY being dependent on the generation (May had to be replaced with Dawn just to have the latter rehash her goal, for example, and aside from that, Contests are implied to only exist in Kanto/Johto/Hoenn/Sinnoh, not in Unova, Alola, Galar, Paldea, and Kalos is its own problem), and in the case of Serena, her Showcase goal is blatantly a one-shot. Misty by contrast could literally travel the entire WORLD with her goal, and certainly had a basis for staying long term on the series (and I ought to add, Misty was already traveling even BEFORE she met Ash, or reunited with him in the case of MPM, so she wouldn't have been reduced to Ash's groupie if she stayed on, unlike Serena where Ash was literally her sole reason for entering a Pokemon Journey).

And quite frankly, since it was purely due to a vote between whether Team Rocket gets the axe or Misty, they should have gone with Team Rocket getting the axe instead, considering they barely contributed ANYTHING to Hoenn and Sinnoh (and did SO poorly in the former that Takeshi Shudo of ALL people complained about how they were grossly mishandled, and he VOTED for them to stay on). But no... we had to listen to that pedophilic nutcase Masamitsu Hidaka all so he'd have eyecandy for the audience despite them being explicit 10 year olds and the intended audience being young enough to not even enter puberty yet.

Idea: one of the more common complaints certain fans have against Misty is that she never got an ongoing rival the way the other pokegirls did. I can’t say I really understand that argument, since 1. that tradition hadn’t been established in the OS and 2. did Brock, Tracey, Max, Clemont, or Bonnie get rivals?

But, if we accept (for some reason) that pokegirls must have a central rival, then picture this: during the Johto years, Misty does have a recurring rival, and it’s…her sisters!

Now, to head off some initial objections: keep in mind that the Sensational Sisters weren’t played as incompetent battlers when they first appeared. They were demoralized from getting wiped by the kids from Pallet Town and more than a little preoccupied with their beauty regimen, but they were maintaining the gym, and they themselves described the water shows as a hobby, not a full-time gig. They mock Misty for not being as beautiful or talented as they are, and Misty flat-out states to Daisy that she wants to prove she can be “just as good a trainer as you are!” So it seems the initial plan, at least, was that Misty was not only put down as the runt for not being as glamorous as her sisters, but for not being as good a trainer in their eyes.

So imagine if, coming back from the Orange Islands and going into Johto, the gang starts running into Misty’s sisters, one or two at a time, with the idea being that they trade off who serves as the Gym Leader while the other two travel around. Mostly to perform and bask in attention, but if they happen along Ash and friends, and have a battle with Misty, we could see that they are incredibly skilled when they decide to try, and that sets Misty off on a Gen-2-long arc to best them, resulting in several more encounters finally culminating in her beating her sisters at the Whirl Cup. Then, if Misty still got written off the show vis a vis taking over the gym when her sisters f*ck off on a cruise, that could’ve been the coda to a storyline that saw them all reconciled and Misty finally proving herself equal to the others, not some contrived out pulled from thin air.

Plus, the more Misty’s sisters appear, the more they can tease her about her “boyfriend,” and the more pokeshipping we get. It’s a win all around!

[thr-333]

I got this request story idea where quirkless deku doesn't want to be a hero anymore because of bullying that he got from bakugou and wrong saying that he got from all might. So deku decides is a backpacker, travelling around the world experiencing cultures, food, quirks!!! He has even a YouTube account where talk about his travels, meet new people and talk about their quirks.

Here you go @sweetizukufan its set in nz like  you wanted :D

Ochako flopped onto her bed and groaned into a pillow. She didn’t have the right to complain, she knew that. She had been one of thousands of applicants to pass the entrance exam and for the past three years her classmates had been training just as hard as she had. And truthfully she didn’t want to complain. It was her final year at UA. It was only a matter of months until she was officially a hero her dream since a child and she was excited for it!

That didn't change the fact Aizawa had upped their training the last few months. The days got longer the work harder and quite frankly it left her with virtually zero free time. Whenever she tried voicing her thoughts she’d be met by her well meaning, but overly enthusiastic classmates encouraging her to keep her head up. 

She was! That didn’t mean she had to go through hellish training with a wide smile on her face.

“Ugh,” Ochako rolled over as it got hard to breath with the pillow smothering her. She really did need to get some sleep before waking up at five in the bloody morning tomorrow when she hit the gym. But honestly at this point if she didn’t do something to break up the monotony of training, eating and sleeping she was going to lose it.

She blindly grabbed for her phone. The school had funded getting her a newer model than her old flip phone since that had been a hindrance when she started internships. She was provided with the industry standard which her friends had tested by throwing it out a window, where it hit Bakugou’s head, and was promptly exploded then stomped on. The thing came out of it without a scratch.

She brought up youtube, it’s not like she had any games, let alone time to play them. It was probably a bad sign she had forgotten what channels she liked. With little other option she started scrolling trending with only a small amount of hesitance. She flicked past everything that was clearly clickbait, too childish or both. 

Something caught her eye and Ochako back-pedalled to take a look. It looked like some sort of vlogging channel ‘ARRIVING IN NEW ZEALAND! Auckland sky tower!!!’ was written across the screen. Even with all the caps she didn’t really see how that could be clickbait. Maybe the guy was just excited, she would like to get a holiday like that after all. The image had him smiling at the camera sitting down and below him was nothing, nothing but a street far below. Ochako was embarrassed to say her first thought was that he had some sort of floating quirk before realising he was literally sitting on a window. In her defence she had a float quirk.

Partly embarrassed she clicked on the video why not live her traveling dreams vicariously through a stranger? She used to watch her fair share of travel videos, although those were mostly in tropical places so she could research where to take her parents.

The video started with a shot looking over the wing of a plane, a montage of it starting to land. Ochako was vaguely concerned when all she could see was water out the window but just before touch down the tarmac came into view so it wasn't a surprise crash landing. The camera cut off after a few more seconds panning across the airport as the plane pulled in. The music started to fade out as the shot cut to the same guy as before.

“Hey guys Midoriya here again, just got off an eleven hour flight,” He had no right to look so cheerful at that Ochako had never been on a plane but it didn’t look particularly fun, “And let me tell you I was not prepared for the ordeal that is security here,”

Midoriya’s smile faltered a bit, looking sheepish. He was walking with the camera just outside the airport, people milling around in the background paying him no mind.

“I had no idea it would be that tough, I had an apple I got on the plane in my bag and I thought that would be alright, I got it on the plane after all!” Midoriya didn’t look upset or angry but  he was blushing madly. Ochako cracked a smile at that now that she looked closer he was probably about her age, “But no, I swear I thought they were going to arrest me! They started interrogating me, I had to stutter out that I got it on the plane, but that didn’t stop them they gave me a lecture about protecting the environment and declaring food, luckily I got off without a fine, I think it’s because I looked terrified, because I was,”

Midoriya chuckled rubbing his neck, there was a bang and he looked wideyed to the side the camera shook slightly then cut to another shot the setting slightly off from where it was showing a bit of greenery growing at the air port.

“Sorry dropped my bag,” Ochako giggled at that a bit, more that he had decided to keep that in the video than anything else, “So I thought that was the end of it, but apparently not, they started asking questions about my shoes, ‘have you visited any farms?’ ‘have you worn them hiking at any point?’ stuff like that, so that was a bit of a problem because these are my only pair of shoes in this country and I’m pretty sure they’re gonna incinerate that apple,”

A little graphic of a cartoon apple on fire popped up along with a pair of shoes. A speech bubble followed saying ‘save yourself!’ as the apple’s little chibi face screwed up.

“I promised them that no, I haven’t by the way I wouldn’t lie about this stuff the environment here is super cool and unique I couldn’t live with myself if my dirty shoes killed a forest,” The graphic was gone by now and Midoriya was walking through the airport, “But I handed over all the snacks I had in my bag, even if they were ok to bring in the country I was too anxious to risk it, that seemed to appease the border security and I got away with my shoes in tact, my snacks sacrifice will not be in vain,”

Ochako was tempted to laugh but if someone set fire to her snacks or sweets there would be hell to pay.

“Anyway now I’m hungry and have some time before my hotels check in,” Midoriya beamed at the camera, “So I’m gonna do something I’ve wanted to since planning this trip,”

On that mysterious note the video cut to another montage as Midoriya got into a taxi. Ochako let herself enjoy the sights that rolled out the window. She wished she had a computer to watch this on instead of squinting for details on her phone's screen. The montage went onto show the outside of a store then going inside to pan over all the baked goods inside. It was a smorgasbord that stoked Ochako’s envy.

“Here we are,” Midoriya sat at a table just outside the store a few bags laid out in front of him, “These sorts of bakeries are everywhere in New Zealand, I didn’t look for anywhere specific just one walking distance to my hotel room, and here we are!”

Midoriya took something from a bag showing it to the camera to make out the golden crust of a pie. Going torturously in detail as he ripped it open for the audience's benefit. Steam rose and mince flowed out, surprising Ochako as she thought it would be sweet. Breaking it open made a mess as Midoriya was forced to drop the piping hot pastry. The filling pooled across the bag it had come in making the whole thing look sloppy.

“I think my friend would kill me if she saw me do that, Gemma don’t watch this video,” Midoriya warned to late, “She’s the one who told me I had to try a pie, I have a few flavours here but lets start with the basic one, mince!”

Midoriya had some difficulty eating it now that it had fallen apart but managed and his eyes lit up.

“It’s really good, the pastry is flaky and buttery it works really well with the savoury mince the two together make a really satisfying bite, but I guess it would be better if I didn’t destroy it first,” Midoriya said sheepishly, “I won’t do that for the rest of them, promise,”

Midroiya took another bite from the pie before showing off the next one.

“This is Gemma’s favourite Butter Chicken, and trust me it smells so good!” Midoriya, the tease took a bite. Ochako had to wonder what she did to deserve this, “Wow I like this one way better, not that the other one was bad!” Midoriya hurriedly said.

He showed the inside to the camera, a rich looking butter chicken inside.

“It’s really flavourful so you don’t need any sauce that and the texture of the chicken and curry are really complimented by the pie crust,” Izuku took another bite as he talked, “I guess it’s kinda like if Butter Chicken was wrapped up in Nan so there's no way it wouldn’t be good,”

Midoriya talked more as he ate that pie and a steak and cheese one he had brought talking about both until Ochako’s mouth was salivating.

“That’s not nearly all the pie options, but I’ll be touring across New Zealand so this can be an ongoing adventure, now desert!” Midoriya brought out a long bun full of cream, it had a dollop of jam on the top and so much icing sugar Ochako feared for his health. Midoriya however ignored those fears and took a bite anyway, “The buns really soft and the area that the cream’s touched it is just the best texture ever,”

He smiled and there was cream and powder on his cheeks Ochako just knew was going to haunt her until he wiped it off.

“This entire thing is just, ‘ok how can we make this as soft as possible,” Midoriya commented getting closer to the middle of the bun where the bit of jam was, “The raspberry, I think? Jam is really good at breaking up the flavour half way through, now I can eat the rest of it,” Midoriya grinned as he finished it off. He started walking around again waiting for his check in to arrive. That didn't seem to bother him as he pointed out things on the street as he walked.

As he did, Ochako saw someone blatantly jump over the street instead of waiting for the lights. There was another person in the background who casually strolled across the side of a building, feet sticking to it somehow. While people would use their quirks on the street all the time they were usually less obvious about it as police would sometimes call them out and it did depend quirk to quirk. Midoriya zoomed in on a few of these people before it focused on him smiling as he walked.

“New Zealands got pretty cool laws around quirk usage,” He explained, clearly having done his research, enthusiastically by the looks of it, “You have to go through some basic training to prove you can control your quirk, at least so you wont hurt anyone after that you get a license and your free to use your quirk, like I island,” That Ochako thought was cool part of her training had pointed out that some situations heroes were called in for weren't always villain attacks but some public quirk usage gone south, “It’s pretty easy to get by the sounds of it but that does all depend on what your quirk may be,”

The shot cut a bit, Ochako assumed he had rambled on about that for a bit and decided to cut that part.

“In terms of heroes from what I’ve researched the police handle most of that, they’re trained in their quirks kinda like hero schools back in Japan but starting at university not highschool,” That made sense Ochako supposed, and they’d probably have more time to master their quirks too, “There’s a few heroes sure, they’re like a branch of the police department and I think there's a departmental separation between rescue and combat heroes,”

Was she privately pleased he had listed rescue heroes first? Yes, yes she was.

“But honestly there aren’t many, they seem more like the people you call in for really big stuff going on, or international relations, it makes sense the population of New Zealand isn’t all that big,” Midoriya rounded the corner someone made a peace sign at the camera before moving on, “Almost half the population is here in Auckland and the whole country hasn’t reached the five million mark yet, thats crazy to me considering Japan’s population is in the hundred million range and it’s only slightly bigger than New Zealand,”

That did seem insane to Ochako, not sure to be smug about that fact or not.

“So that's probably why heroes are less of a thing here but that doesn't mean it’s all not still really cool,” Midoriya was beaming at the camera, his positivity and enthusiasm practically punching her through the screen, “I’ve rambled enough, it’s about check in time I’ll show you guys where I’ll be staying,”

Midoriya gave a quick tour of his hotel room. It wasn't much, more of a backpackers than anything.

“It’s not big I know but I’ll only be staying here for a few days to explore Auckland then I’m off traveling so a large place wasn't really a worry,” Midoriya flopped down on the bed, bouncing slightly as he hit the mattress, “I’m gonna take a nap because I am exhausted,” His tone betrayed nothing, “But stick around because I’ve got a surprise this afternoon- well I probably put it in the title anyway so it’s not a surprise but it’s still going to be cool, See ya,” Midoriya saluted the camera and it faded to black for a few seconds.

When it came back to light it was an image looking up at a tall tower circling around it and entering the building next to it. There was a continuous shot that was sped up as he walked through the line entering an elevator which literally had a glass floor.

“Wo-” The camera was pointed down at Midoriya's shoes as he hesitated to stand on the glass patch. His foot made contact before he quickly stepped back, “Nope, no, nope,”

Ochako laughed and sank back into her bed. The elevators opened and there was a shot of large windows showing the expanse of the city. The footage sped up as Midoriya did a clean circle around the tower showing it was a loop to give a 360 degree view of Auckland. It was pretty with rolling hills and she could see forests at the edge of it. Honestly it was small compared to the cities she was used to but that made sense given what Midoriya had said earlier.

“Look at this,” The footage went back to normal speed as Midoriya focused on a chart comparing the heights of different towers, “It’s half as tall as the sky tree,”

And that was given the giant antenna on the top.

“Come check this out it’s pretty cool,” Midoriya walked down the steps until he was right next to the window, a few steps more and he came to a patch in the floor that was just glass like the elevator. Midoriya noticeably stood back from it, “It says here that the glass is just as thick and strong on the floor, so reasonably logically,” Ochako snorted, “It should be just the same as walking on the floor… they say that but…”

Midoriya switched the camera around to focus on him, looking a bit pale.

“This might shock you but I’m not really a fan of heights,” He shuddered and shook himself out, “Alright I can do this,”

What followed was a frankly painful process that Ochako couldn't help but laugh at. Midoriya would approach the glass before backing off. He set the camera up on the railing so it looked down enough that she could see the glass and street below. Midoriya tried a bunch of stuff like walking up without looking down. That didn't work and he backed out several meters before he had even reached the glass thinking he was standing on it. He tried to sit down and scoot onto it but couldn't manage more than sitting far from the edge and putting his feet on it. Ochako started howling with laughter when a kid came by running up and jumping on the glass while Midoriya looked on with fear like they were mad.

Midoriya at least had a humor about it. 2D sketches drawn over the video to help exaggerate his struggle and the entire thing filmed rather comically.

Ochako was beginning to believe he had photoshopped the image earlier before he grabbed the camera taking a deep shuddering breath.

“I can do this, I promise I can do this,” He sat down and shuffled back cringing all the way. Ochako found herself strangely proud as Midoriya actually made it onto the glass. He was white knuckled reaching up to hold the railing. He smiled shakily at the camera before turning into a more genuine look of triumph. That was until he quickly rolled off it jumping to his feet and scurrying away, “There! Done! I did it!”

He was smiling brightly now and Ochako couldn't deny she was proud of him. She had struggled herself with heights something she was forced to get over to use her quirk so she knew just how hard that can be.

“Gosh I hope that's easier than what I’m about to do,” Midoriya spun around to show a different window wires running outside and inside a countdown that was about to hit one. It did and there was a blur outside Ochako belatedly realised it was a person. Oh no.

“Now I’m not going to do that but I am going to do something pretty cool,” Ochako blew a sigh of relief but also wanted to hit him for scaring her like that. Under no circumstances should he be jumping off buildings.

They lapsed into another montage Midoriya going back downstairs. This time he had the courage to put a foot on the window in the elevator. Downstairs he went into another area donning a coat and sort of jumpsuit before layering harnesses over the top. He went up an elevator with a few other people this time. They stepped out into another room Midoriya carefully keeping the window out of frame to keep the grand reveal. Their harnesses got latched on and secured to a railing. Once everything was safe the doors pushed open revealing Auckland city, this time not hidden behind glass. 

Midoriya skipped over the likely long process of gaining the courage to go outside cutting instead to him smiling with the city at his back and wind whipping through his hair.

“Welcome to the top!” Midoriya yelled over the wind, the audio quality was bad but that was understandable. She felt worse for Midoriya who was smiling through the fear, “It’s really cold and windy up here and I’m scared!”

“Just go back down you idiot,” Ochako huffed fondly as he kept shouting to be heard over the wind.

“I’m kinda afraid of dropping my camera honestly,” Midoriya laughed but she couldn't hear it, instead he pointed in to a few specific spots across the city, “See those hills? Most of those are actually remnants of volcanoes, you see Aucklands kinda built on top of a giant pit of Magma,”

Midoriya quickly grabbed back onto the railing, slowly shuffling along the sky walk, higher than he had been inside.

“Luckily the volcanoes in this area are dormant, cause if one in this area erupts there's a pretty good chance like 50 more are gonna follow,”

Midoriya stayed up there for a little longer pointing out interesting things in the distance. Ochako could safely say she was glad when he cut back to the bottom of the sky tower. His hair was windswept and cheeks red from windchill. Ochako didn't even need to check the comments to know most of them were gushing about how cute he was.

“That was… terrifying, but I’m glad I did it, who thinks I should try skydiving next?” Midoriya grinned, before his face dropped and paled again, “God please no that was a joke,”

Ochako giggled relaxing back in bed again after the tension of the skywalk Midoriya had been leaking through the screen dissipated.

“Anyway  I’m just gonna go lie down for a while until some friends of mine get here, then we’ve got one more surprise,” Ochako hoped he hadn’t changed his mind and was going to jump off the building after all, she didn’t want to see him have a literal heart attack.

The video cut to Midoriya smiling at the camera again. He had a lot more color to him now and his hair was somewhat tamed. In his defence he had apparently got off and 11 hour flight then walked around 300 meters in the air it was allowed to be messy.

“So the person meeting me is Gemma, I mentioned her earlier, and a few other friends but their camera shy so you probably wont see them,” Midoriya was bouncing in place gaze constantly drifting away from the camera, “This is our first time meeting in person so I’m kinda excited kinda dreading if this has all just been some elaborate joke and I’m about to get stood up or worse,”

“Who hurt you and who do I need to kill?” Uraraka whispered, fully prepared to throw down the gauntlet for a youtuber she had only just discovered.

Luckily for them Gemma and his other not seen friends were spared her wrath. The camera shot was from far away so she couldn't hear or see anything in detail but it clearly showed the two running up to hug each other Midoriya pulling back to excitedly chat. Gemma matched his enthusiasm, sparkles trailing her arms as she made wide sweeping gestures.

“Here everyone say hi to Gemma,” The shot changed to frame the two of them, Gemma waving the motion sending more glittering sparkles falling from her hand and landing on Midoriya’s shoulder.

“Oh no-” Gemma stepped back to look at Midoriya the front of his shirt was covered in lingering sparkles along with his face and hair. Midoriya looked down at himself a little shocked as Gemma covered her face groaning into her hands, “I’m so sorry, I swear they fade out,”

She scrubbed her hands down her face, unaffected as her whole body shone lightly with subtle sparkles.

“I love it,” Midoriya grinned, twirling a bit to show there was a band of sparkles across his back from where her arms must have come around him. He was quite a bit shorter than her so his face also looked like someone had blown glitter in it, it just made his smile all the more dazzling.

“So you know where we’re going for dinner?” Gemma was looking at the camera but clearly asking Izuku.

“Up the tower again!” Midoriya beamed and really him plus sparkles was too unfair a combination.

This time in the elevator Gemma stood proudly on the window as Midoriya yelled at her.

“Are you crazy?!”

“Crazy you say?” At that Gemma jumped up and Midoriya let out an unholy screech as the elevator shuddered, she laughed but it was teasing not cruel. Ochako could make out the vague reflection of someone patting Midoriya on the shoulder and another person's arm came into frame to swat at Gemma.

When they reached the top Midoriya did not focus too much on the view, already having shown it. They stepped into a nicely decorated restaurant, but what was interesting was when Midoriya demonstrated that it was slowly spinning so the patrons could enjoy the view without leaving their table.

“Do you think they could speed it up?” Gemma asked, she was sitting next to Midoriya, both had their backs to the window so Ochako had a clear shot of it.

“Like a dangerous merry go round?” Midoriya questioned, the sparkles still clung to his cheeks and eyelashes.

“Exactly!” Gemma gave him finger guns, that matched her real guns. She may be sparkly but without the coat Ochako could now see she was ripped, “Also the dangerous is redundant,”

“What kind of merry go rounds-” Midoriya cut himself off as a waiter walked by, “... anyway I don’t think thats a good idea, given that the points to you know, eat,”

“Thats just what makes it more fun,” Gemma waved off.

“Uh-huh,” Midoriya raised an eyebrow skeptically before turning to the camera, “Hope you guys don’t mind but I wont be doing much food reviewing this dinner, I’ll show it off but-”

“This is a night for us to celebrate, later losers,” Gemma saluted, Midoriya squeaked telling her off before cutting the video off. Ochako laughed glad for Midoriya that his nerves had been wrong.

As promised he showed a few shots of some fancy looking food. Ochako wondered how much she would have to save up for her and her parents to eat there, not as much as the flights of course… hopefully. 

The camera placed on the table showed the scenery slowly revolving outside, getting darker and lights turning on as the sun set. By the time they were getting up to leave it was fully dark outside and Midoriya spared a moment to linger on a shot of Auckland at night.

“Izuku don’t forget your bag,” Gemma called as she shrugged on her jacket, also glittery.

“Thank-” The camera whirled around to where the bag should be. There was a slight ridge dividing the circle of the restaurant that spun and a ledges lining the outside where all the supporting beams were, “Oh sh-”

The camera started shaking as Midoriya ran through the restaurant. The shot switching to another camera that caught Midoriya as he ran the other way almost bowling over a waiter and profusely apologising. All the while you could hear Gemma and several others laughing off screen.

“Oh? Look what we have here,” Gemma moved the camera to focus on a spot as the restaurant turned around, a bag coming into view that Gemma scooped up. It was probably Midoriya's seeing as it had a couple of All Might pins and Ochako wasn’t sure how popular he was internationally.

Gemma set up the camera to focus on the opposite direction Midoriya ran. It caught the moment he came around the other side, still staring worriedly at the window. Gemma whistled sharply gaining a few glares but a relieved look from Midoriya as she held up his bag.

They left the restaurant with a few apologies at the other patrons for being loud. When the camera switched it was back on Midoriya but Ochako caught a glimpse of Gemma shimmering in the background waiting around.

“Alright that's all for today,” Midoriya smiled, Ochako stomped down the slight disappointment resolving check out his other videos from his easiness and confidence on screen Midoriya must have been at this awhile, “I’m going to be touring all over the country so stay tuned for the series, I haven't showed you nearly how beautiful New Zealand is, I hope I can make it down to the south island too cause they have some really pretty scenery, for now I’m going back to the hotel and crashing hard, see ya!”

The video signed off to the end cards a recommended video and link to Gemma’s apparent channel that looked like some sort of fitness channel with how she was lifting weights in it. Ochako promised herself to check it out.

For now she subscribed to Midoriya’s channel checking the time to see if she could squeeze in another before going to bed. She was feeling like she could get away with it. The change in pace revitalising in a way. But really she attributed that to Midoriya’s natural cheer and charisma. Somewhere in there she had allowed herself to relax and get swept up in this dorky kids mundane adventure. It was exactly the kind of thing she wanted her parents to experience one day. 

This was exactly what she had become a hero for, and now graduation was within her grasp. She just had to push a little more and then she would be out in the world able to do some good for her family and everyone else. 

Ochako smiled at the screen, resolving to get some sleep and maybe she could squeeze in another video tomorrow morning. Before she turned off her phone Ochako glanced at the channel's name, snorting to herself. It was perfect.

Green Bean and Bags

[bunnyywritings]

trends and insecurity

Kozume Kenma x bestfriend!reader

𝕡𝕣𝕖𝕧𝕚𝕠𝕦𝕤 - 𝕤𝕖𝕣𝕚𝕖��� 𝕞𝕒𝕤𝕥𝕖𝕣𝕝𝕚𝕤𝕥 - 𝕟𝕖𝕩𝕥

[a/n: It’s 3am so I’m not sure how well I proof read this but here’s part 2 of cheater, cheater, pumpkin eater, this one is slightly angsty so, enjoy! -yours truly, bunnyy -`ღ´- ps. Trigger warning: (y/n) gets catcalled]

Today, the coaches decided to do a joint practice, meaning that both the guys’ club and the girls’ club would end up having a practice match as well. You were pumped. You had practiced with the boys before but never had a full on match. You bounded excitedly into the gym, smirking once you spotted Kuroo and dashed towards him.

“(Y/n)-” Kenma watched in amusement as you jumped onto the captain’s back, clinging onto him like a koala.

“ACK! What the-” Kuroo turned his head, your noses were inches apart.

“Hello~” You smiled before jumping off of him.

“(Y/N)!!” You turned towards a smiley Lev.

“My child!” You shouted, arms open. He made his way towards you and wrapped you up in his arms. Picking you up and spinning you around. Your eyes widened as you gripped onto his shoulders for dear life since you were a good 500 ft off the ground.

“Lev! Be careful!” Yaku scolded before Lev stopped and put me down. Dizzy, you stumbled around before Kenma caught you in his arms before you could trip on air.

“Thanks Kozu..”you mumbled, hiding your face in his shoulder so no one would see you blush. Kuroo smirked when he saw Kenma blush and look away so the others wouldn’t see his flustered expression.

“Alright everyone! Let’s start with passing drills! Let’s go!” Coach Nekomata instructed. A chorus of groans, including your own, rang throughout the gym. “Did I hear correctly? You guys want punishment dives around the gym? No? Then hustle!” He chuckled. The two teams split up, gathering on either side of the court and started passing drills. The boys took a break while the girls did their spike/blocking drills since they had only set up one net.

Kenma couldn’t stop himself from watching as you bent your knees in a squat, readying yourself to set up for a spike. The way the black spandex hugged the curves of your hips, the way your supple yet firm thighs strained against the shiny fabric--

“Wow Kenma~ So naughty, staring at (y/n)-chan like that~” Kuroo teased his friend. Anyone else would’ve thought that the pigment on his cheeks and his chest heaving for oxygen was from all the physically strenuous activity but Kuroo knew better. You had literally stolen his friends’ breath away. They both watched as you jumped, back curved in the perfect form for a spike before the palm of your hand met the ball in a powerful swing and you sent the ball straight down, the sound of it smacking against the hardwood floor was intimidating. There was a reason why you were the ace of the girls’ team.

Kenma smiled as he watched you land on the ground, victorious grin splitting your lips while you gave a little fist pump in the air.

The rest of the girls went before they switched with the boys to take their break. The entire time, you couldn’t take your eyes off of Kenma. Sure, his spikes and blocks were a bit lack luster but when he was setting up the ball, you couldn’t look away. The way his jaw was clenched, the way his eyes were sharp and focused, and his hands...how they pushed the ball up into the air and--

“You’re staring again.” An amused voice snapped you out of your trance.

“I know Kenji, I just can’t help it.” You sighed quietly, your captain giggled and patted your shoulder.

“I take it that you still haven’t told him.” She handed you your water bottle.

“Of course I haven’t.” You scoffed before taking a greedy sip of water. “He’s been my best friend since we were babies, he could never see me as more than that.” She just rolled her eyes.

“I honestly do not understand how you could be so oblivious.” Kenji muttered before the coach blew the whistle. It was finally time for the match. 

After a vigorous match, and going to 3 sets, the boys won. That meant that the girls had to clean the gym. That was your least favorite thing about volleyball. The clean up. So there you guys were. Collecting volleyballs, putting the net away, and mopping the sweat and spilled water off of the floor before finally being able to shower and change back into our uniforms.

“Hey Kenji!” She had stopped and waited for me to catch up. “Me and the guys are going into downtown to grab a bite to eat, wanna come? Kuroo’s gonna be there~” You wiggled your eyebrows. You and her were pretty good friends and you knew for a fact that she had a FAT crush on her fellow captain.

“Stop that...” She groaned, playfully flicking your forehead. “And as much as I’d love to join you, I can’t. I have an essay to turn in tonight and I have done absolutely nothing. Maybe next time.” She smiled.

“Alright then, see you tomorrow.” You squinted at her skeptically.

“Goodbye! Oh and don’t be late for morning practice tomorrow!” She called as you jogged towards the exit of the school.

“I won’t!” You called over your shoulder.

“It’s about damn time.” Kuroo threw his arms up dramatically.

“Shut up beanpole, we had to clean the ENTIRE gym.”

“Maybe you should just win the match next time.” Lev shrugged smugly.

This made you gasp in mock offense, “Do my ears deceive me? Is my baby boy insulting the ace of the volleyball team when he can’t even properly bump receive a ball?”

“Senpai!~” He whined, jutting out his bottom lip in a cute pout.

“Plus, that setter dump that Kenma made last minute was totally uncalled for.” You huffed.

“That’s kinda the whole point, (y/n).” Kenma looked up from his game with a small grin.

“Whatever Kozu...now let’s go! I’m starving.”

You guys took a short 10 minute train ride to Downtown Tokyo before making your way to the convenience store that had THE BEST ramen ever. You and Yamamoto paid for your food, the others grabbing whatever they were going to munch on. As you waited for the ramen to cool, you got an idea. There was a trend going around tiktok where you dance in front of your s/o, or your friends or whatever and you’d secretly record their reactions and you had made sure not to send any to Kuroo or Kenma for the sole reason of being able to get their reactions. So you set up your phone and angled it perfectly so it got their reactions but it looked like it was recording you.

“Do you have to do that here?” Yaku groaned playfully in annoyance.

“You’re just jealous cause I get more likes on my videos than you.” You grinned, sticking your tongue out at him childishly. Kenma watched quietly as you set the timer and took a couple steps away from the phone. The countdown started, and when the music flowed out of the speaker, his eyes widened slightly when you started to dance. He couldn’t deny how cute your little smile was as the video went on.

“OOH SENPAI~ You’re so good at dancing!~” Lev, ever the hypeman, grinned and continued to give you compliments. Kuroo followed along, doing the moves while in his seat. Inuoka bobbed his head to the music as he watched you dance. Yamamoto was just slurping up his ramen while watching you. All of the reactions were what you had expected. What you hadn’t noticed was Kenma’s reaction. He was watching intently over the top of his psp as you danced, blush evident on his cheeks, lips parted slightly is awe. They were all pretty tame reactions, the song ended and you grabbed your phone.

“Ooh let me see!” Kuroo reached out for your phone. You handed it to him and made your way to grab your ramen.

“Hey!” You turned as someone called out, there was two boys standing a little ways away.

“Hey?” You asked, confusion evident in your voice.

“You’re pretty cute, are you single?” The one that had called to you smirked.

“Uhm...yeah? ” You frowned when he disgustingly ran his eyes over your figure.

“Oh come on. A girl like you, with a body like that? There’s no way you’re single.” The other bit his lip.

“Well I am and I’m definitely not interested in either of you so...you can go.”

“Ooh feisty! Don’t be shy cutie, we were enjoying the show.”

All 6 boys were watching in disbelief and anger.

Kuroo’s fist clenched at his side, he had kinda hoped that Kenma would say something but knew that confrontation wasn’t his thing but he sure as hell looked angry.

“You heard her. She’s not interested so move along you dweebs.” The captain had gotten off of the bench and came over to you. His 6′2 figure towering over your own as he slung an arm over your shoulder and pulled you into him protectively.

The two boys scoffed. “Why do you care? You’re obviously not her boyfriend.”

“That’s true but we’re her friends...and you’re making her uncomfortable.” Lev had also stood up and made his way toward you and Kuroo with the most intimidating face he could muster.

“You should get out of here douche bags, if you keep bothering her, it won’t end well for you.” Yamamoto put down his ramen and made his ‘intimidating’ scowl. Kuroo noticed that you were gripping the back of his vest tightly and your eyes were shining with un-shed tears. Even though you had come out of your shell since he met you, he knew that intense social situations like the current one, made you extremely uncomfortable.

“Whatever man, she seems like a prude anyways.” One scoffed in offense.

“She should take it as a compliment. She’s in public in such a short skirt and dancing around like that, she’s basically asking for it.”

“You two idiots better shut your goddamn mouths right now and leave.” Kuroo growled. “It’s pathetic to think that you deserve anything from her after being so disrespectful.” Kuroo growled. That was the final nail in the coffin. The two boys dismissed it and finally walked away, muttering profanities under their breath. “You okay?” Kuroo asked softly once they were a good ways away.

You bit your lip to stop it from trembling and could only nod as you slowly pulled away from him.

“What jerks, I’m sorry (y/n).” Yaku comforted.

“Yeah, no one should disrespect our senpai like that.” Lev nodded determinedly, Inuoka nodded in agreement. You weakly nodded and sat in between Kuroo and Kenma, appetite gone. Kenma’s heart thumped painfully when he noticed a tear or two slide down your cheek. He took a deep breath and slipped his hand into yours, interlacing your fingers with his and holding your hand so softly. You pushed the feeling of butterflies in your belly aside and leaned your head against his shoulder. He pulled out his earphones and gave you an earbud.

Frowning in confusion, you put in in your ear and he put the other in his. Your confusion was quelled when he opened tiktok and went to his favorites. The first video he pulled up was of a frog in the front pocket of someone’s overalls.

“I’m gonna get one, you know.” You sniffled, a soft laugh leaving your lips.

“Of course you are.” The smile never leaving his lips as he looked down at you. He had to restrain himself because he was at the perfect angle to kiss your forehead, and he so badly wanted to give you a sweet kiss and comfort you after the incident that just happened. After years of being friends with you, he knew how much you enjoyed physical touch. Mainly hugs and cuddles.

After a couple of minutes, everyone finished eating and whatever and decided that it was time to go home. Everyone went their separate ways after saying goodbye.

“Uhm hey, did you maybe want to come over? We could do homework then maybe play some animal crossing? I can show you how to blackmail Tom Nook.” His offer made you grin.

“That sounds great Kozu.”

“Great. Do you have your Switch?”

He watched as you patted your bag and gave him a thumbs up. “Always.”

He quickly shot his mom a text to let her know you would be coming over. “My mom wants to know if you’ll stay for dinner?”

“How could I pass that up? You know I love her cooking.” His heart skipped a beat as he sent his mom your response.

The two of you continued to walk to his house, talking about the possibilities of a parallel universe.

“But it’s not ridiculous Kozu! Seriously, just hear me out. What if the shows and movies we’re watching are things that actually happened in a parallel universe. Like, what if ‘A Silent Voice’ was a real thing that happened in a universe where people’s everyday lives were televised as tv shows and movies in our universe.”

“That seems pretty unlikely, (y/n)”

“Does it though? Does it really?” You squinted at him.

“Yes. That’s like saying that someone in a parallel universe is watching this exact conversation happen, as we speak, on their tv. Just listen to how ridiculous it sounds.”

“But it doesn’t! That’s my point!” You flung your arms in the air.

He shook his head fondly as you guys reached the front door and he unlocked it. “We’re home!” He called quietly as the two of you slipped off your shoes.

“Oh, welcome back! (y/n), It’s wonderful to see you again!” His mom came and gave you a big hug, one that you happily returned.

“It’s good to see you too! I hope I’m not intruding.” You smiled nervously, you were literally there a couple days ago.

“Don’t be silly, sweetheart! We love having you here, come over whenever you like. Even if Kenma isn’t here, just come in and we can have some tea.” She smiled sweetly.

“I think I’ll take you up on that offer.” Kenma watched the interaction as his heart filled with warmth.

“Do you two want a snack while you wait for dinner? I can cut up some fruit if you like?” You and Kenma looked at each other and nodded.

“Yeah, that sounds good mom. We’re gonna be doing homework in my room.”

“Okay then, don’t overwork yourselves!” She called as you two made your way upstairs. Once in his room, he handed you the sweats that you keep in his drawer and one of his pullovers. While you changed, he pulled on his own sweats and a black t-shirt.

You put your clothes on the spinny chair at his desk and sat beside him on his bed. “So, what first? Chem or math?” You asked, placing your binder down in front of you.

“Hmm Chem, just so we can get it out of the way.”

A couple minutes in, his mom knocked and came in with two bowls of cut fruit. You missed the way Kenma blushed when his mom gave him a knowing smile before she left the two of you alone. The unit you were working on was fairly easy, the only bothersome things were all the damn conversions you had to do.

“Why is this even necessary? Like when am I ever gonna need to know how to change the measurement of boron from mole to kilogram?” He was going to answer but he noticed that it wasn’t directed at him, he watched in amusement as you shoved a strawberry in your mouth.

“Ha, boron...” the amusement in your voice was clear, even when it was muffled by strawberry. With a shake of his head, he looked back down at his notebook.

“Finally!” You tossed your binder onto the ground. “Now teach me how to blackmail that annoying little racoon.” Kenma chuckled at your enthusiasm as you grabbed your Switch from your bag. He sat up against the headboard and you crawled into the space next to him, instantly snuggling into his warmth.

“Alright, so here’s how you do it-”

So there the two of you were. He had an arm around your waist, his hand was resting on the top of your thigh. He hadn’t really realized how touchy he was being, neither had you. It wasn’t necessarily the first time the two of you had cuddled but it was different this time around. Kenma subconsciously felt guilty for not doing more earlier, for not doing more to protect you. So, he was overcompensating for it now. 

You frowned as you looked up and called out to him softly once more. “Kenma...kenma~”

“Hmm?” He blinked a couple of times before meeting your eyes.

“Is everything okay, Kozu?” You put down the game and turned your body so you could get a proper look at him. At his hesitation, you grew more worried. “Kenma what’s wrong?” He knew you wouldn’t take a shrug of the shoulders or a mumbled, ‘nothing.’ as an answer.

“Well, I-I just feel like I failed as your friend.”

“Why do you feel like that?” You bit your lips nervously.

“Because I didn’t do anything to defend you earlier, I just...sat and watched while those guys disrespected you and made you uncomfortable.” He was looking down at his lap, refusing to look you in the eye.

“Oh Kenma...it’s okay. Really. You didn’t have to say anything. Only you could comfort me like you did. No words needed, just cuddles, and frog memes.” He felt pride swell in him at your words, “Please look at me Kenma.” He hesitantly looked into your eyes. “You could never fail me. Ever.” You wrapped your arms around his waist and nuzzled into his chest. He had a MASSIVE blush burning his cheeks. “You’re always there for me when I need you, and I don’t thank you enough for it but I really do appreciate it, Kozu. I appreciate you.” His blush started to cool down as he wrapped his own arms around you. He held you and relished in your warmth. He was confused and a little flustered when you looked up at him, an unknown emotion in your eyes but he felt it. The sudden tension between the two of you as you glanced down at his lips before looking back into his eyes.

He couldn’t help but lean into you, it was like you were a gravitational force that was pulling him in.

“Kozu, I-” he could feel your breath on his lips, your soft voice pulling him into a trance. Your forehead met his, he nervously looked into your eyes. This was very new to the both of you. Hearts beating erratically, both of you hoping the other couldn’t hear the thunderous thumps against your rib cages. Your lips looked soft and plush, he wanted to feel them against his own. To taste them on his own. His sudden confidence surprised him, and you, as his hand shakily came up to cup your cheek, thumb running over your cheek as the tension grew, breaths getting heavier. Heavy eyelids slipping closed when-

“Kids! Dinner is ready!” The sudden shout from his mom causing a squeak to leave your throat as you both jolted away from each other. Kenma quickly climbed out of the bed, standing awkwardly and fiddling with his hands.

“We should-” He swallowed heavily, “We should go eat.”

“Right...we should.” He frowned when the statement that left your lips came out as a dejected whisper. He followed as you walked out the door and down stairs, greeting his father before sitting down for dinner.

Even though you were smiley and enthusiastic throughout the meal, he could feel that you were somewhat upset.

He thought about it as he laid in bed after you left, picking up his phone, he scrolled before finding Kuroo’s contact.

To Kuroo: I think I messed up....I don’t know what to do

Once you got home, you couldn’t stop thinking about what happened. Was Kuroo wrong? Maybe he really didn’t like you like that...maybe you were wrong. You couldn’t stop the tears that had collected in your eyes as you grabbed your phone.

To Tetsuhoe: I guess I was right, I am just a friend

𝕥𝕒𝕘𝕝𝕚𝕤𝕥: @moon-390​, @beanst0ck​, @renee1414​

[incorrectzutaraquotes]

i’m sure you’re tired of me posting non incorrect quote or non zutara things, but there are things i want to talk about. it started, i guess, as a trend on tiktok where people would share their stories and experiences with racism as people of color in the united states(or anywhere really, but everyone i’ve seen has been from the us). as a woman of color, i felt compelled to participate, but wasn’t sure how to. i didnt want my face showing up globally because i knew that with posting that, not only could people i know in real life find it, but so could the wrong side of tiktok, thus leading some nice so not comments being left under the post. with tumblr i like the anonymity. i can talk about this in as much detail as i want without anyone being able to put a face to my name. despite being here for almost 19 years, i’m still not completely comfortable talking about these experiences when people know what i look like.

i’m going to put this under a cut so it doesn’t take up too much room, and so you can skip if you want.

for starters, my name’s holly. i’m asian american. i was born in china, but shortly after i was born i was stuck in an overcrowded orphanage. this resulted in being adopted by white parents when i was about one and a half to two years old. i lost fluency with my native language and that eventually lead to losing the language completely, and i lost touch with my culture.

i was in second grade, that’s how far back i can remember my first real encounter with racism. i was seven in a classroom full of white kids. there was this boy with blonde hair and blue eyes who sat next to me for a good portion of the year. i remember walking into class everyday, and every day he would ask me the same questions. “why is your nose so flat?” and “why do you eyes look like that”. i was seven. and whether or not he intended to hurt my feelings, it stuck with me for a long time. at first i was confused, because i didn’t think i looked different. i didn’t view myself as looking different until then. until i was constantly reminded everyday that my facial features were “weird” and “odd”. that my face was undesirable. it lead to years and years of insecurity and self hatred.

i wanted so bad to look like the other white girls in my school. i wanted a cute upturned nose with a perfect bridge shape. i wanted blue eyes. i wanted eyelids that didn’t connect in the corners and eyelashes that were naturally curled and turned up unlike mine, that just rested straight forward. i wished that i had lighter skin and blonde hair. i didn’t want to be different and undesirable. i thought i was ugly, and i would look at myself in the mirror for long periods of time, picking out everything that set me apart from the other white kids at my school.

that same year i found out that i needed glasses, and i’m pretty sure i cried. i didn’t want another reason for myself to stand out. i refused to wear them for an entire year and a half, before i realized that i had to wear them if i wanted to see. i was seven, eight. i wasn’t even in the double digits yet but i had this idea in my head that i was ugly because i wasn’t white. whether that kid had meant to hurt me like that didn’t matter, because the damage had already been done. and the worst part was that i had no one i could tell, but none of my friends and none of my family would understand what i was going through. so i suffered in silence and dealt with it the best a child could.

when i was in middle school, i can vividly remember kids mocking asians for laughs. they thought it was funny. funny to be racist. i remember this one time i was out walking the track with a group of kids during gym class. i was walking just behind them and i overheard their conversation. they were making fun of asian’s eye shape, and pulling their eyes back to make them smaller. and it hurt. and they knew i was walking behind them. they knew i was there and that i could hear their whole conversation, but they didn’t care. and i was too scared to speak up for myself, so i had to sit back, listening to and watching them mock people who looked like me because they thought it was funny. i was in seventh grade.

that next year, i was in eighth grade. i had a class with a boy. (i was convinced i liked him, but i’ve come to realize that was not the case at all. i was just forced into thinking he liked me, and i felt obligated to like him back. i realize now that that is just how society (and a get normative society) has conditioned women to feel, but that these feelings were nothing more than platonic. this will make more sense as i continue to tell the story.)

as i was saying, i had a class with a boy, and we began talking and becoming friends. or, i thought we were friends. i realize now those feelings were one sided, and that he only used me to pick on me. he and his friends would take my things and hide them. they sat behind me and would move my desk during class while i was trying to work. they’d throw things at me, whatever they had available. sometimes it was paper, sometimes it was coins, i remember a few times it was a stick they’d found on the track. and now, it doesn’t seem like a racially motivated thing, and maybe it wasn’t and i’m just overreacting. but i saw how he treated other girls. i saw how he treated his girl friends. i saw how he treated my friends. i was with them all the time, and yet i was the only one who was ever on the receiving end of this treatment. and that, that sucked. but i didn’t tell anyone again, because i knew they would just tell me “that means he likes you”. but his actions went further then a playful slap in the arm, and became almost dangerous. i was only fourteen.

in high school i tried my best to stay away from those toxic people. instead, i could remember the racism i faced in those four years coming from my own family, rather than my peers at school. i cant possibly name every time my family has been racist, but i can specifically remember times when i was constantly told by them that my eyes “didn’t look asian”. that my sister looked “more asian” than i did simply because her eyes were smaller than mine. as if i didn’t already have an identity crisis because i wasn’t white enough to fit in with my predominantly white neighborhood, but i wasn’t asian enough to fit in with the few asian kids at my school. it was my dad who continually pushed me to be an engineer(which im not doing, to clarify). don’t get me wrong, he wanted all of us to be in a field where job demand was high, and he did want my sister to be an engineer, but he didn’t bring it up at the rate that he did with me. he still does it. and this plays into the stereotype that all asians are smart and that because we’re smart i have to go into a field that requires high intellect. he didn’t put that immense amount of pressure on any of my other white siblings. just me.

there’s a chinese restaurant down the street from us. we order from there a lot, and usually they’re really good with getting our orders right. in fact, this was the only time i can remember them getting our order wrong. and immediately they began to make fun of their understanding of english and their broken english. immediately they jumped on that opportunity to mock their language, using words like “ching chong” to describe their words. and the saddest part is, i wasn’t even surprised. and yet i couldn’t say anything because i didn’t want to start a fight, and i knew if i did i would be told that “it was just a joke” or that “you’re being too sensitive”. i often wonder if they’d mock me if i didn’t have perfect english. if i spoke with a “chinese accent”. it makes me wonder if i’m only really accepted because i’ve been so assimilated into whiteness that you can’t even tell i’m asian unless you look at my face. this happened mere weeks ago.

last week i went to get my hair done. because of covid everyone is required to wear masks, but there were at least 10 people in there. i was sat down in front of the mirror while my hairdresser cut my hair. in the reflection of the mirror i could see this older white women getting her hair one behind me. she wasn’t wearing her mask properly. it resting under her nose, eventually her chin, and at one point it came off completely and her hairdresser had to tell her to put it back on. the entire time i was sat in that chair, where i could only look straight ahead in that mirror, she was watching me like a hawk. giving me side eye glances and even turning her head completely towards me at times. let me remind you that there were other customers in there. it wasn’t just me and her. i could feel myself starting to get anxious, my heart starting to speed up and my fingers under the apron they put around you, tapping the side of my phone in my hands nervously. i was genuinely afraid that she would start throwing racist slurs and start blaming me for the coronavirus the entire time. i was scared. and it was literally just last week. im tired.

[imanativeofswlondondahling]

Becoming A Stark? (16)- Peter Parker x Stark! femReader

Word Count: 1828

Warnings: Swearing, that should be all I’m pretty sure

Author’s Note: Something has been up with my taglist but I think I fixed it, so make sure you’ve caught up on the past chapters before this. Also if you want to be added to future tags, let me know! 

Chapter One || Previous Chapter || Master List 

You saw it trending on Twitter the next morning. Delmar’s had caught fire when someone robbed a bank across the street the night before. Apparently Mr. Delmar and Murph were ok, thanks to our Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man. But Delmar’s destroyed? This was basically the end of your existence until it was fixed. “My. Life. Is. Over.” You dramatically say before laying your head to rest on the table next to the stack of pancakes Pepper had placed on the table.

“Ok, Tony Jr., why is your life over?” Tony hears Pepper tease you as he comes down the stairs.

“Delmar’s was destroyed.”

“You’re giving her syrup and no green juice? This has to be fixed.” Tony says, ignoring the statement that came out of your mouth.

“I stand corrected, now my life is now over.” You don’t really mind the green juice all that much, but on a day like today you don’t have time for celery, apple and kale juice when the best sandwich shop in Queens is gone. “Dad, you have to fix it. This is an Iron Man level problem.”

Those words make Tony pause and look at his teenage daughter. You’ve never said anything is an Iron Man level problem before. “What am I missing here?” Tony glances at Pepper.

“Her favorite sandwich shop was destroyed last night.”

“My life is over until it’s fixed.”

“That sounds more like a Tony Stark could fix it problem than an Iron Man problem.”

“Well Iron Man could talk to Spider-Man and see why he couldn’t stop the bad guys from exploding it? Like what does Spider-Man have against Delmar’s?” Your hands throw dramatically outward as if they don’t understand why someone who is supposed to save the neighborhood would destroy a local legend.

“I don’t think Spider-Man hates Delmar’s. It was probably an accident.” He watches as you pull out your phone and snapchat one of the most dejected faces he’s ever seen you make. “Who are you messaging?” He can’t help but ask.

“Peter. He’s probably just as upset as I am. He loves that place.”

“Oh you have no idea kiddo.”

“Oh one more thing. Can I stay home from school?” You look up at your dad, pulling what you hope looks like puppy dog eyes.

“You don’t seem that upset, but let me hear your best reasons why you should be allowed to stay home.”

“Because I’m facing personal trauma?” You suggest and Tony stares at you for a moment before you admit, “Ok so it’s the Captain America Fitness Challenge in gym today and I reallllllllllllllly don’t want to do it.”

“I’m sorry, the what now?”

“The Captain America Fitness Challenge. It’s required by the state, but they named it before the Accords happened.” You still don’t fully know what happened, but you haven’t seen Steve since Germany so it can’t have been good. 

“No child of mine is participating-”

“You’re going to school. It’s just a fitness test.” Pepper cuts in. “If however your blood sugar isn’t in range during gym then go to the nurse. But do not do stuff to force it to fall.” She raises an eyebrow at you, knowing that being a child of Tony’s there was a chance you would do whatever it took to get out of it.

“And I’ll see you the day after tomorrow when I get back from India ok kiddo?”

“Why India?”

“People to see, things to do.” Your dad says as he kisses your head. “If it were up to me, there would be no Captain America anything.” He whispers to you and you smile. “Now eat your breakfast while I get you the healthier part of your breakfast.”

“Dad, I don’t have to have a green juice every morning.”

“The green juice is mandatory. The pancakes are optional.” You roll your eyes at your dad. 

“You guys are all invited tonight. My parents are going to be gone, but said we can have some fun. Plus Ned told us during gym that Peter knows Spider-Man from the Stark Internship, so Spider-Man might show up.” You almost choke on the sunbutter and jelly sandwich Pepper made you. 

“I’m sorry, you know Spider-Man from your internship with my dad?” Your eyes fall on Peter.

“Your dad told me not to mention it.”

“So you brought it up during gym class?” 

“Technically Ned did.” Peter says. Looking at your face he sees hints of betrayal and hurt etching your features. But the biggest image is the image of Tony in your features. Tony made him promise not to connect you and Spider-Man. “Y/N-”

“Have fun at the party with Spider-Man.” You throw your food back in your lunch box. “I forgot I need to take care of something.” You push away from the lunch table. So many thoughts are running through your mind. Why would your dad introduce Peter to Spider-Man and not you? He had introduced you to so many of the Avengers before everything went to shit. So why was Spider-Man any different? And now Peter and Spider-Man were good enough friends that he was willing to come to a high school party? You turn the corner to go to the library. You could at least hide there until the end of the lunch period. Now you have to deal with the stupid Captain America Fitness Challenge and this stupid Spider-Man bullshit.

Y: so you introduced peter to spider-man? 

T: Who’s saying I did?

Y: clearly peter. told a whole group of people that his friend spider-man, that he met through his internship with you, would come to a party tonight

Tony runs a hand through his hair. What is Peter doing? The whole point of having a secret identity is not to be telling kids you were going to be showing up at a party. Does he think he’s a show pony now? Because that is the last thing that the Avengers are.

T: So SM is a party trick now?

PP: y/n texted you

T: she seems to be pretty upset that I introduced you to SM before my own kid

PP: i can’t explain everything to her, so it was the easiest explanation.

Your dad clearly isn’t going to respond, so instead you reach out to a number that hasn’t contacted you in nearly two months. But hopefully, she doesn’t let you down.

Y: sos-are you in the city by chance? 

N: You’re not trying to turn me in are you?

Y: i need someone to come rescue me from a really shit day at school.

N: I can be there in 30.

“So you wanna tell me why I’m kidnapping you?” Natasha asks as she walks you out of school after signing you out for the day.

“You’re on my list of people allowed to pick me up from school. So it’s not kidnapping. It’s a recovery mission.” You quote her words from your first few days living with your father. 

“I see I taught you well.” Natasha smiles as you get into the black four door with her. “Where to?”

“Anywhere but here.” You answer honestly. “Where have you been?”

“Here and there. Been hiding for the most part.”

“Hiding from what?”

“People that don’t want me to be running around.”

“Is that why you’re blonde now?”

“One of the reasons. Do you not like it?”

“I like the red better.” You look out the window as she drives towards Manhattan. “Are you with Steve?”

“It’s probably better if I don’t say. Your dad and Steve aren’t on the best feet right now.”

“I could give a rat’s ass about what Daddy Dearest thinks.”

“I thought you and your dad were getting along. Literally all the conversations I had with him before I split off, he couldn’t stop mentioning you.”

“He’s part of the reason I left school today. That and the Captain America Fitness Challenge.”

“You didn’t want to take the Fitness Test?”

“Some of us are just normal humans, remember?”

“So am I.” Natasha turns onto a side street. 

“Yeah, but you’re a trained assassin. You could take and pass the fitness test with ease.”

“What happened with your dad?” Natasha changes the subject without acknowledging what you said about the fitness test.

“It’s stupid.” You cross your arms.

“Not stupid if it upset you.”

“You know the Spider-Man that’s been running around Queens?”

“Yeah.”

“My dad introduced him to his intern but won’t introduce him to me. Apparently his intern has met him enough times that Spider-Man is willing to stop by a party that one of our friends is throwing. And when I tried to talk to my dad about it, he just stopped responding like that would make it better.”

“Did you think that maybe your dad had reasons other than being mean or something like that for why he wouldn’t want you near another superhero?”

“Like what?”

“He feels like he puts you in danger all the time. Another superhero, more danger. That was the whole point of the Accords was keeping us in check. Keeping the normal,” She motions towards you, “people safe. So maybe he was hesitant to bring yet another superhero into your life, especially after a huge group of us superheroes went rogue on him. He loves you. He would literally do anything for you.”

“He wouldn’t let me skip the fitness challenge this morning.”

“He wasn’t going to let you skip school. To be honest maybe I shouldn’t have let you either, but I miss you.” 

“I miss you too Aunt Nat.” The words slip from your mouth before you can stop them. “You should come home.”

“I can’t until the Accords get sorted out. I’m considered a criminal right now.”

“Can we go to the compound? Just hang out there.”

“Your father will have a heart attack if you’re not home in two hours which is how long it will take to drive there.”

“I think he’s supposed to be leaving for an event out of town. A wedding or some other event out of the country. I just have to text Happy that I don’t need a ride.”

“Get the approval that I don’t have to take you home in the next couple hours and we can go hang out at the compound.” You can’t help but smile as you text Happy, saying that you are going to Betty’s house after school and a party at Liz’s that night so you won’t be home until the next day. He offers to pick you up, but you say you’ll be fine getting a ride home. “We’re all good.”

“And Tony won’t be at the compound right?”

“He’s heading to India for a wedding or a corporate event of some kind.”

“Then it looks like a girls night at the compound is what we’re going to do.” Natasha turns to leave the city and you feel your heart getting a little lighter.

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wont let me tag

[hilltopsunset]

I Regret Buying Pokémon Shield

I told myself I wouldn’t do it. I’ve seen time and again the lack of innovation from main-series Pokémon games, and I insisted nothing would convince me to buy this latest atrocity. Yet here I am, reviewing the game I said I’d never purchase. I should have listened to myself. I KNEW BETTER! Strap in, ‘cause this one’s pretty long.

Pokémon has been around for a long time—like, a long, long time—and I’ve been around for every single new main-series game that’s been released since the franchise’s first arrival in North America back in 1996 with Red/Blue. I was not yet 10 years old, and I still remember the childlike excitement of finding rare, never-before seen creatures, the stress of trying to catch a wily Abra or elusive Pinsir, and the challenging first encounter with the Elite Four and the Champion, a 5-man gauntlet of trainers with powerful Pokémon rarely (if ever) seen in the game prior to that moment. It was exhilarating in a way that keeps me coming back for more, hoping to rekindle those same flames of wonder. 

While the main gist of the games hasn’t changed much over the years, one of my favorite parts of playing a new Pokémon game is seeing the improvements each game brings to the series. Many of the initial sequels made huge leaps in progress: Gold/Silver introduced a plethora of new mechanics like held items and breeding; Ruby/Sapphire introduced passive abilities and was the first to include multi-battles in the form of double-battles; Diamond/Pearl was the first generation capable of trading and battling online and brought us the revolutionary physical/special split so elements were no longer locked into one or the other. These changes all had significant impacts on how players approached battles, formed their teams, and used each Pokémon.

Those changes, combined with the addition of new Pokémon to catch, regions to explore, and enemies to fight, were enough to keep me interested. But I know I wasn’t alone in imagining all the possibilities of taking the franchise off the handheld platforms and moving the main series games over to a more powerful home console. In the meantime, each generation that followed Gen IV highlighted a new, troubling pattern that became more and more prevalent with each addition to the series.

1.       Gen V: Lack of meaningful gameplay innovation

By Generation V with Black/White, not only was Game Freak quickly running out of colors, they were quite obviously running out of ideas for significant gameplay innovation. The bulk of Black/White’s biggest changes were improvements on or adaptations to existing staples to the franchise: many new Pokémon, moves, and abilities were added, and the DS platform allowed for greater graphical quality where Pokémon could move around a bit more on-screen during battles, the camera wasn’t as rigid as it had to be in previous games due to machine limitations; perhaps most importantly, they FINALLY decided to make TMs infinite. Thank goodness. While the updates were nice, they were nowhere near as impactful on the game as previous generations’ changes were and served more as needed quality of life adjustments.

I would also argue Gen V also had the least inspired Pokémon designs (like Vanillux and Klinklang) with the worst starter choices of any Pokémon game, but that’s a discussion for another time. Excadrill and Volcarona were pretty cool, though.

 2.       Gen VI: Gimmicks as the main draw

Pokémon X/Y (See? They ran out of colors) continued this new downward trend in innovation. Mega-evolution—while admittedly pretty cool—wasn’t enough to carry the new generation into an era of meaningful improvement because it was equivalent to adding new Pokémon rather than developing innovative gameplay, ushering in a new era of gimmicks in lieu of substantial updates.

Though the gameplay innovation for X/Y was minimal, the graphic updates were substantial: Pokémon X/Y was the first generation to introduce the main series to a fully 3-dimensional world populated by 3D characters. However, since X/Y was on the 3DS, it was a ripe target for the 3D gimmick seen in almost all games on the console, which I personally used for all of 5 minutes before feeling nauseous and never using the function again.

Despite the fresh look of the new 3D models, the battle animations were, to be frank, incredibly disappointing. Pokémon still barely moved and never physically interacted with opponents, nor did they use moves in uniquely appropriate ways. To my point, for years now there’s been a meme about Blastoise opting to shoot water out of his face rather than his cannons. I was sad to see that they didn’t take the time to give each Pokémon’s animations a little more love. But I figured, in time, when or if the franchise ever moved to a more powerful machine, they would be better equipped to make it happen, right? I also convinced myself that the lack of refined animations were kind of charming, harkening back to the games’ original (terrible) animations.

 3.       Gen VII: Focus on Minigames

The main innovation (gimmick) that came with Generation VII, Sun/Moon, was the lack of HMs in lieu of riding certain Pokémon. Sun/Moon also added Ultra Beasts (essentially just new Pokémon) and Z-moves (just new moves) which only added to the number of gimmicks present in the games. These changes, which provide some mild adaptations to gameplay from previous generations, don’t fundamentally change the way players go through each game, the way that updates in the earlier generations did. I personally played through the entirety of Sun/Moon without using a single Z-move or seeing a single Ultra Beast outside the one you’re required to fight to progress the main story. Ultimately, these changes were not a significant enough experience to warrant an entirely new game that is otherwise full of more of the same stuff with slightly different creatures who have slightly different stats and occupy a slightly different world.

Though Sun/Moon was comfortably embracing the franchise’s affinity for gimmicks, it brought to the forefront yet another troubling trend: mini games. Between photography, the Festival Plaza, and Poké Pelago, the focus on and attention to detail toward mini games had grown considerably over the years. Pokémon games have always had minigames and other time-sinks—which is great! Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate having more to do than trudge through the main story. But it is apparent that, with each new generation, more time seems dedicated to development of these extras. Pokémon Contests, Secret Bases, Super Training, feeding/grooming; a lot of their larger innovations after Gen IV were centered on non-essential parts of the game, which results in diminished game and story quality overall.

Admittedly, Sun/Moon did have some of the best exploration moments of any of the Pokémon games, which I did very much appreciate. More on that later as it relates to Sword/Shield…

 4.       Generation VIII: You Can’t Be Serious

When Game Freak finally announced they were launching Generation VIII, Sword and Shield, on the Switch rather than a dedicated handheld console, I was beside myself with excitement.

And then I saw gameplay footage like this, and my heart sank.

What is the purpose of launching the game on a stronger console if they are going to continue copy/pasting their sprites and their animations? If they aren’t going to provide the Pokémon any unique flair or create more appropriate animations? It was disappointing enough seeing the same animations/models from X/Y for Sun/Moon, but that was sort of expected since the games were on the same console. But now that the game has moved to the Switch, this is unacceptable.

When I learned that they were significantly cutting the number of Pokémon available in the game, I thought for certain that would translate to more time dedicated to the ones that made the cut, to focus on adding animations and character to the critters to make them feel like real parts of the world, rather than avatars of a child’s imagination, unable to fully process how the world functions. Alas, what was I thinking?

I thought the Dynamax gimmick would be one of my biggest gripes because it’s so pointless, or maybe the Wild Area’s severe lack of organic belonging (all Pokémon are just wandering aimlessly, weather can change drastically after crossing an invisible line, trees look like they were cut and pasted out of Mario 64, you can’t even catch Pokémon if they’re too high a level) but honestly the most disappointing part of the game for me was the pitiful routes between towns/gyms. Previous installments of the game included routes full of trainers and puzzles you needed to defeat or solve before you could progress—in Sword/Shield, the only thing that ever prevents you from progressing are some Team Yell grunts barricading paths the game doesn’t want you to take yet, for literally no reason. It completely removes player autonomy and a sense of accomplishment earned through overcoming challenges—now instead of learning that you need to find an item that allows you to cut through certain trees to gain access to new areas, you simply follow the story beats and then, upon returning, the path will be open. It’s inorganic, it’s clunky, and it’s extremely lazy.

Speaking of lazy, the story itself was another massive disappointment for me. Pokémon games are not particularly known for having deep stories, but Sword/Shield takes it to a new low. Every NPC simply pushes you to battle in gyms, and every interesting story beat that occurs happens just outside the player-character’s reach. Any time something interesting happens, you are shooed away and told to let the grown-ups handle it while you just get your gym badges. There COULD have been some interesting story moments where your character gets more involved with helping fix the havoc occurring around the Galar Region, but instead we as the player are simply TOLD what happened, why it happened, and who fixed it (usually the champion, Leon).

I honestly think having the game focus on the story of Sonia, Bede, Marnie, or even Hop (was not a fan of this kid) would have been a much more interesting game, because those characters actually had some depth to them, some bigger reason for taking on the gym challenges than simply “I want to be the very best.” Albeit those stories would have required a tremendous amount of work to add depth and details, the potential for a better story is in those characters. There is just no story at all to the main character, who is ushered from gym to gym because…because? Because that’s what kids do? I’m not even really sure what the motivation is.

There are SO MANY exciting, interesting, innovative ways Game Freak could drive Pokémon into a new and exciting direction while still maintaining its charm and building on existing mechanics, but they instead choose to demonstrate their lack of interest in significant graphical and gameplay innovation. I imagine this is largely because the masses will eat up just about any Pokémon product produced so long as there’s a new bunny to catch, and Pikachu is still involved. I’m disappointed, and I wish the Galar region could meet the expectations of my 10-year old mind’s imagination.

When abilities were added, we suddenly had to consider whether our Earthquake could even hit the enemy Weezing and adapt to the tremendous changes the passive skills added, reconsidering how we faced each battle. When the physical/special split occurred, entirely new opportunities opened up and certain Pokémon who were banished to obscurity due to their poor typing and stat distribution, like Weavile, were suddenly viable. Some even became incredibly powerful, like Gyarados, who had been hit pretty hard by the Special attack/defense split. There were also already-powerful Pokémon (Gengar, Dragon-types) who became even more so through access to STAB moves that benefited off their strongest stats.

I want new games to include updates that feel as impactful as these changes. If you’re interested in how Game Freak can improve on the main gameplay, I have some fun ideas that will be fleshed out in another article: How to Breathe New Life into the Pokémon Franchise. That article will be dedicated to explaining what those changes are, why I want them, and how they can improve future games.

[popwasabi]

The monster of “Shin Gojira” is government incompetence

I know it doesn’t feel like it but we’re just three months away from March again.

It’s been almost a year now since the beginning of quarantine, when the world had to be shut down due to the escalating nature of COVID-19 and things have…largely only gotten worse.

In the US specifically.

On March 13th we had 2,204 cases of COVID in the United States and a total of 49 deaths.  Today we have 14 MILLION cases across the country and currently 274,000 plus deaths. To put that in perspective we have nearly as many cases of COVID in the US alone as there are people in the cities of Los Angeles, New York, San Francisco, and Chicago combined and we’re experiencing a 9/11’s worth of new deaths every day.

This is not even to mention the economic strain the pandemic has put the country under. Lockdowns and quarantines, without supplemental income to bolster those losses have led to closures, massive unemployment, people running deeply behind on their rent, and crushing debt for many if not buried in medical costs from being infected. Common people are trying their best to navigate a year unlike any other and are largely floundering with little to no help in sight.

And all this can be chalked up to one culprit in particular: our government’s incompetence.

(Remember all that fuss made about “breadlines” in the global south back during grade school?)

From the beginning when this virus first reared its ugly head in 2020, not enough was done to prepare the country for what would come next. Call it hubris or American Exceptionalism, but our government just was not taking it seriously as the President boasted cases would just “disappear” after late February and our leaders largely pretended it either was a) not a big deal or b) would never be a big deal.

Nearly nine months later senate Republicans still think another massive bailout for the nation’s richest coporations is the way to go, all while giving us $1,200 band aid for our troubles.

And make no mistake, the Dems have hardly been guiltless during this crisis themselves.

(“It’s a biiiiiig club, and you ain’t in it...” ~ George Carlin.)

As we see other countries largely find ways to navigate around COVID and create a safe environment where some normalcy can be maintained it becomes increasingly clear to anyone who isn’t a psychopath that the US has grossly mishandled this threat from the beginning. It’s a slow moving disaster that could’ve largely been avoided if our leaders gave a damn and it feels increasingly like we’re all just going to get the virus at some point because there’s virtually no structural safeguard in place to protect us.

This lamenting of the futility of our government’s response to crises is the central theme of one of my favorite monster movies of all-time; “Shin Gojira” (or “Godzilla Resurgence” for American audiences). Directed by “Neon Genesis Evangelion’s” own Hideaki Anno, “Shin Gojira” tells a similar story of a literal slow-moving disaster in the form of titular atomic fire lizard rising from the Pacific Ocean to decimate Japan once again and how the government poorly responds to it.

For most Americans, Godzilla is something of a joke as a movie character.

He’s Japan’s version of King Kong, a great fire-breathing reptile for thousands of random Japanese to scream “AAAAHHH! GODZILLA!!!” at while a man in a rubber suit knocks down model buildings for two hours. For several decades, he was even a bit of a superhero for children; the good monster who fought bad monsters like King Ghidorah, Gigan, and Hedorah.

The newer American remakes by Legendary Studios have not done much to change this perception. In these films, Godzilla is again depicted as a “titan” for the people doing battle with the bad titans set with people in mo-cap suits duking it out in front of greenscreens that create elaborate cities for the monsters to stampede through.

It is just not that deep to most people and who could blame them? Godzilla is cheap popcorn escapism for most audiences and most of his films see him as such.

(“Wait you mean to tell me this isn’t serious theater??”)

But Godzilla has a much darker origin, however. 1954’s original “Gojira” isn’t some cheap monster flick; it’s an allegory for the atomic bomb and the terror it brought upon the people of Japan. At the time of its release the Japanese hadn’t really reckoned with what happened in WWII, it was a source of deep shame and horror and it broke the spirits of many back then. After an atomic bomb test accidentally radiated the crew of a Japanese fishing boat in 1954, director Ishiro Honda became inspired to create the King of the Monsters after Japan’s own government largely mishandled the fallout. The film was a huge hit and Japanese audiences were moved by the dark allegorical nature of the story.

With “Shin Gojira” Anno brings Godzilla back to this grimmer tone. He was inspired by the events of 2014’s Fukushima nuclear plant disaster and how the Japanese government once again failed to act in a major crisis. Through his 2016 film, Anno aimed to depict the slow moving nature of a developing disaster quite literally with the character of Godzilla and how a crisis can only get worse and worse if left largely unchecked by those tasked to protect us.

(Hardly Hideaki Anno’s first forray into movies about crises, of course, but that’ll be for another write-up. Stay tuned...)

Godzilla begins in “Shin Gojira” as a small, destructive, but ultimately killable lifeform as he appears in the waters off Tokyo Bay. His beady, soulless eyes, tadpole like form, oozing putrid toxic blood everywhere through his malformed gills are pretty gross and Anno directly references Fukushima as the beast creates a tidal wave as he makes his way toward land in the opening sequence.

Meanwhile as Godzilla causes horrific damage to the city in this small (comparatively to earlier films) but powerful form, the Japanese Government tries to put an end to it. But as they try to address the escalating nature of the problem, bureaucracy gets in the way at every turn. Through the use of fast cuts and dark humor, Anno creates his own “Dr. Strangelove” set of scenes as Japanese politicians scramble from one board room to another to weigh options in cold math against the very real people who are fleeing for their lives as they debate with one another. Anno, doesn’t go out of his way to depict anyone as explicitly the villain here, but he does make it very apparent that when government officials refuse to accept the reality of a crisis people die. In a scene that is played partially for laughs, that feels all too relevant and frankly on the nose now, the Prime Minister addresses Japan on TV by assuring the people that there is “no way” Godzilla can make landfall and everyone will be safe. Moments later he is interrupted on live TV as Godzilla has in fact made landfall.

(Yea and he’s one ugly motherfucker in this movie too...)

Early in the film though, as Godzilla has done already immense damage in his adolescent form, Japan’s government has a chance to kill the monster once and for all by mobilizing the Japanese Self-Defense Force (JSDF) a move, that if you are not familiar with Japanese politics, is rife with concerning optics. The moment comes where Japan’s government can pull the trigger and kill the threat once and for all but in another, darkly humorous, turn of events decide not to as some nearby citizens who could be caught in the crossfire become a hazard for the JSDF. Godzilla goes back into the sea from there and Japan is left to pick up the pieces.

In the early months of the COVID lockdown, things appeared to slowdown. From about April to June, those states that took the virus seriously at the start saw some plateauing of the daily cases. While hardly a victory, things at least appeared to be going in the right direction. Then inexplicably in July a bunch of states declared premature victory and began reopening back up in certain areas such as gyms, salons, and some restaurants. I wouldn’t say we had the virus on the ropes but we were trending generally in the right direction (though nothing was really being done about loss of employment and cancelling rent and evictions, of course…). So, in a moment when the government could’ve kept trying, mostly at least, to do the right thing they failed to keep going and pull the trigger.

And just like in the movie, COVID (ie: Godzilla) came back stronger and even worse than before.

(Again, just the ugliest motherfucker...)

After the JSDF failed to kill Godzilla in the opening act, the big guy returns later on in the movie having evolved into his more indestructible final form. Where the JSDF’s weapons may have had an effect before they find their tanks, helicopters, and other military hardware have no effect on Godzilla now. It is too late to stop what is now inevitable. Godzilla walks literally through it all, causing waves of destruction with each step and Japan’s government watches in horror as they lament their failure to stop him when they had the chance.

This failure comes to its ultimate head in the final moment of this sequence when Godzilla revs up his dorsal fins and unleashes his horrifying atomic breath. It’s more powerful than anything he has done previously and absolutely wastes Tokyo in a brilliant display of raw destruction that is honestly one of the best most terrifying sequences in Kaiju filmmaking ever.

Godzilla is best used in cinema when he is a titan-sized walking metaphor for the destruction that happens when governments fail their people. Where the recent American Godzilla depicts him as a force of nature, like a walking hurricane, Ishiro Honda and Hideaki Anno see him more as a vengeful God coming to punish the wicked for their sins or, in the case of the government, their incompetence.

If COVID is a metaphor for anything this year, it is a microcosm for a wide range of problems that go unaddressed for too long by our leaders and only given notice when it’s far too late. Climate Change continues to get worse and worse each year as I am quite literally choking on ash as I type this due to yet another wildfire in the California area. The riots that erupted over the summer and continue to go on in response to the gross militaristic, overfunded, and racist structure of law enforcement in this country are the result of decades of not doing the right thing to curb the problem. The reason we are by far the worst equipped first world country to handle this crisis right now is quite literally due to years of gutting our social safety net, slashing our wages, and privatizing our health insurance.

Though there is a wide range of Japanese specific politics in the film, “Shin Gojira” is an unfortunately timeless film for people who have suffered from leaders who fail to act in moments like these. It shows what happens when our government drags its feet on transformative legislation and actual measures that can save lives. It criticizes our leaders for choosing to save themselves in the moment, with performative optics, over helping their own people. It argues that the results of bureaucratic red tape and bad politics will always end in disaster for its citizens. And most relevantly it states that governments have a duty to stop a crisis in its infancy before it’s too late.

“Shin Gojira” is a perfect monster film for the year of COVID and distressingly accurate to the way the US has mishandled this crisis from the beginning. Everyday, more and more people suffer and die because our leaders have failed to act in an unprecedented time, whether it’s the usual suspects who think any government social service is “cOmMuNiSm” or the feckless cowards who twiddle their thumbs and shrug each time a conservative tells them “no.”

We are far past the stage where this can be solved the easy way anymore and though there are still many proven ways to help the common people right now, it unfortunately feels like 2020’s Godzilla cannot be stopped…

Yea, things will totally get better in 2021, guys...

[yehetting]

Loco & Jay Park - Reaction

kanekilover23 requested: “Hello, can I request a reaction pf Loco and Jay Park when the reader is a youtuber and does the breakup prank on them. Thank you.”

omg haha sorry its so late, here ya go love!

Loco:

He would love having a s/o as a youtuber! Always making fun videos, going to new places recommended by your subscribers. The whole experience was something he never knew he would love so much. That’s until prank season trends came around, he didn’t know that was a thing so it kind of made it easier to get him so good and easily. unfortunately the main trend was fake breaking up with their s/o. You set up different cameras around the living room, to try and get different angles. You had a script ready and everything. Once he came home you pretended to be annoyed already and acted like you where editing another video. He came up and tried to rub your shoulders to help you relax but you shrugged him off telling him to leave you alone. He backed off and went to the room and put his stuff away. When he came back you had added fake tears and pretended like you where crying over “losing all your work”, he ran over to see what was wrong and you said what happened. He tried to hold you but you pushed him off, which made him a little upset. “its okay you can record it again or think of another topic.” he tried to reason. “I cant just ‘record it again’ it was one of my biggest projects I've been working on it for weeks!” You shot back trying not to really cry seeing his face. “Well, I'm sorry, I know how that feels, what can i do to help?” he asked genuinely trying to help. “Nothing, i cant do anything this is something I've been so passionate about and now its gone and all you said was i can record it over or think of a new topic, you knew how much this meant to me and your literally telling me right now that it can just be rerecorded? I cant believe this.” You tried to be as convincing as possible but it was starting to get hard seeing how upset he was actually getting. “I didn't mean it like that, I was just trying to make you fell better..” he said standing up this time and looking down at you. “Are you serious? You are aren't you. I cant do this.” you said standing and starting to walk to the door. “Do what? Where are you going?” he asked realizing you where walking to the front door. “I'm leaving, ill be back in a few days to get my things, you just told me you where trying to make me feel better by putting down all my hard work. I cant be with someone like that I'm sorry.” you put on your shoes and started to open the door when you heard a sniffle. You instantly regretted all of it and just stood there. You turned to see him crying staring at his feet. You felt like shit right then. You had no idea how to tell him it was prank, this was a bad idea. “I'm so sorry....” you whispered real tears coming out. “For what?” he asked so lost at this point. “This was supposed to be a break up prank but I let it get out of hand I'm so so fucking sorry...” You broke and started to cry harder. “What? are you serious?” he asked leaning back and looking at you hard. You just nodded. You pointed at the cameras around the living room. He looked at them all/ in shock. You explained the whole idea and how it got too far when you started to see him cry and how you feel like such an ass. “I really don't expect you to forgive me for this, I'm just really sorry. You said deleting all the footage off the cameras. “no yeah I'm really pissed off right now, ill get over it just please let me be for a little bit, ill come to you when I'm fine.” you nodded and he went into the home gym. He came out sweaty and red from being in there. “hey, so I thought about it and I'm okay with it now, it was a good prank but I wish this wasn't the trend right now. I forgive you.” he said and you smiled. “but to seal the deal you have to give me a hug right now.” he said smiling and holding his arms out for you. You made a gagging face because he was all sweaty but you manned up and gave him a hug. It felt nice despite the sweat. He kissed your cheek. “i love you but don't do that to me every again please. I hated the thought of you leaving me.” he said pain still in his voice. “I wont I promise.” you said kissing him. 

Jay:

He didn't care for the whole youtuber thing like loco did, He did however support anything you did and wanted to help anytime you asked. Needed a kick ass intro and outro song, he was on it and sold you the rights, for kisses, so whenever someone uses it they get copyright claimed. you liked being on the other side of that for a change. He helped with editing sometimes when you're too tired. Having him help you when you needed had its downsides though. He would opt out of the Boyfriend tags trends, because they would “tarnish his bad boy rep” *throws up dumb gang signs* You would laugh it off but that meant you had to do something else and endure the drop in views. You wanted to get back at him for some of it an guess what it was? Break Up prank trend time! Same as loco you set up cams all over his office when he went out to get you some snacks for the movie date you had planned. One was by his computer, his couch behind him and one was placed carefully in-between two of his sound systems. You sat in the living room trying to look pissed off. You seemed pretty convincing because once he stepped into the room he asked what was wrong. You lied and said you saw his emails while cleaning up and saw that he was expected to work tonight. He said that he didn't see it but that he could most likely get out of it. You threw your hands up and followed him to his office where he went to look at the fake email you got his manager to send for you. “I swear its like every time we’re supposed to have alone time you have to work.” you said behind him. He turned and looked at you. “Yeah but, i usually get out of it for us.” he replied still looking at you. “can you this time? you just got off tour! You cant possibly have work already?” you asked pretending to get more annoyed. “I shouldn't ill email him back.” he sat down and started typing away. You riped out your phone and texted his manager about what to do before he hit send on the email. You two sat in silence for a few minutes he tried to reach for your hand a couple times too but you brushed him off. The computer dinged signaling he had a new email. He read it and set his head fell and he sighed. You knew what it said because you basically wrote it. “Seriously?! You're joking right? You just got home!” you got louder. He turned his head to you looking sorry. “I cant help what they do, I'm sorry.” he said trying to reach for you. “I don't care, you just got home this isn't fair to you or me....I don't think I can do this... you work all the time, it feels like i hardly see you.” you said quieter not trying to sound as mean as it did, because you know damn well has always there for you. “I... no I can try to get out of it, Please.. I know its not fair, Its my body their messing with and our relationship.” he got up to move closer but you backed away. “I'm gonna go, ill be at my friends, ill get my stuff in a few days. If I knew this about your company I wouldn't even have said yes to that first date.” Your eyes closed because holy shit you shouldn't have said that. His arm dropped to his side. You backed out of the room and down the hall a little bit. Gaining the courage to go back in. He looked up at you when you came back in. “I.... this was supposed to be a harmless prank but i think I went too far... I'm so sorry jay...” you whispered and let your head hang. You felt warmth and looked up to see him holing you like you would disappear. “what the hell is wrong with you? Please don't ever do something like that again!” he got loud this time pulling away from you. You nodded tears forming. “I promise, Ill delete the footage too.” you said nodding at the cameras. He looked shook, he looked and saw them all. “This was recorded?” he asked. You nodded. “for you channel?” you nodded again. “Please post it! Dude that'll go viral!” Your eyes widened. “What?!” you asked. “I'm serious! If you do you might get scouted for an actress with that amazing acting you did.” he laughed waving at all the cameras. You uploaded it a week later and sure enough it went viral! You got an offer from his company as a commercial actress. 

( I DONT OWN THESE GIFS, CREDIT TO OWNERS )

[disappearinginq]

fanfic tag game

I was tagged by @waitingforthestarstofall - this will be a good distraction from rage (SO MUCH RAGE) Thanks!

Questions:

Ao3 Name: IceQueen1 (same on FFN)

Fandoms: Oh damn. Umm...written for: Agents of SHIELD, and the 100 which I actively avoid now, even if those were some of my favorite works; Lucifer, Constantine, Supernatural, Magnum PI 2018, Deception, Common Law, Daredevil, Iron Fist, Merlin, MCU-ish, Doctor Who. Unpublished: Prodigal Son and Outer Banks and one crossover with MacGyver 2016. 

Number of fics: Well...depends on how you count. Posted or with every intention of posting - 56, though some of those are from when I was like 14 (it shows, but I like them and they’re valuable learning tool). Unpublished and snippets here and there...::nervous laugh:: 109?

1. Fic you spent the most time on: Toss up between  Wrong Side of Heaven,  Damnatio Memoriae (which has given me the worst case of imposter syndrome I kind of cry every time I look at it), and  Running Up That Hill

2. Fic you spent the least time on:  Catalyst - literally wrote it on an illegal lunch break on a computer that wasn’t mine and posted it on a government computer. 

3. Longest Fic: Huh. Apparently not Damnatio, but  Running Up That Hill, at an impressive 104k words in the Agents of SHIELD fandom. 

4. Shortest Fic:  Promises to the Dead in Supernatural fandom. 

5. Most hits: Even without combining from FFN and AO3 - Damnatio Memoriae

6. Most kudos: Damnatio Memoriae

7. Most comment threads: Damnatio Memoriae (see a trend?)

8. Fave Fic you wrote: This is like picking favorite pets. Um, actually, despite the headaches they’ve given me, Damnatio ties with  Left Behind. Both unfinished (Left Behind because I got so pissed at the 100 I stopped watching), and Damnatio because I have nightmares about it, but I think I like my writing in those two the most. Very close third is Wrong Side. 

9. Fic you want to rewrite/expand on:  Remedy or  Cecidit Angelus

10. Share a bit of your WIP or share a story idea that you’re planning:

You need to know the answer to this is 9. Possibly more. But there’s part of Damnatio: 

Lucifer looked…haggard. Tired in a way she’s never seen him before, dark shadows under even darker eyes, his normally immaculate appearance disheveled as if he’d been on a bender since the last time she saw him. He didn’t stand up straight, slightly hunched over and cockeyed, though that could just as easily be because he was standing on loose sand. It could also be from the handle of scotch held loosely in one hand, more than two thirds empty. His five o’clock shadow was more like like 12 o’clock, and his hair free of product ruffled in the breeze. “You rang?” he asked, one corner of his mouth twitching as if he meant to smile as his own joke but couldn’t be bothered with the effort. He swayed on his feet before righting himself. “I was wondering how long it would take you to try this.” Chloe could smell the alcohol on him ten feet away, even in the breeze coming off the ocean. “What happened to you?” Lucifer laughed at that. It was high pitched, bordering on manic, and he scrubbed a hand over his face, his fingers scraping along the rough stubble on his cheeks. “I…I don’t know how to answer that, Detective.” He held up the scotch, violently shaking it back and forth. “To quote a younger sibling of mine - ‘I found a liquor store, and I drank it’.”

An unnamed Outer Banks fic: 

JJ scoffed at that, wincing as the sudden movement jostled his ribs. “Yeah. An adult. The last thing I need right now is an adult.” He seemed to consider that for a moment. “Though…I guess there are a couple things I could need less. A snake bite. Or a jellyfish sting. Or a missing leg. Or -” “Dammit kid,” Shoupe interrupted, not caring where the list was headed. “This isn’t a game. You can’t do this on your own, you’re barely sixteen. You can’t take care of yourself at sixteen, and if this isn’t proof enough of that, I don’t know what is. You need an adult -” JJ’s electric blue eyes narrowed as he stared at him, lower bloodied lip pinched between his teeth. “Yeah? You mean the like adults who looked the other way for eight years when I came to school with black eyes and broken bones and the same clothes for weeks on end? Or the adult who gave me those black eyes and broken bones? Or do you mean the adult who killed my best friend? Or the adult who aided and abetted said adult who killed my best friend? Or the adult who tried to rob us at gunpoint. Or maybe you mean the adults who stole money from a crime scene to ‘dip their beak’? Those adults? Are those the fucking adults you mean, Shoupe? ‘Cause if not, I have no idea what the fuck you’re talking about. I’ll take my chances. From where I’m sitting, I’m not doing any worse.” Shoupe ran an appraising eye over the kid. “I doubt that.” “The bar is pretty fucking low, Sheriff.” “You came here though, didn’t you?” JJ glared at him before turning away a muttering, “Don’t read too much into it. Robbing the CVS would’ve been a little hard to do without a getaway car.” Shoupe didn’t miss the way the kid avoided mentioning the long, ragged looking cut down the front of his left leg. “And none of your friends have first aid kits?” JJ steadfastly ignored him, ignored the way that his leg was beginning to bounce against the ceramic of the tub side as he dabbed ineffectively at the blood. “Hmm?” JJ bit his lip, whether from his less than gentle ministrations or to keep from snapping back, Shoupe couldn’t tell. Probably a toss up. “Nothing you want to say for yourself?” With a snarl, JJ whirled on him. “I can’t go to them, okay? I can’t drag them into this shit with me. Pope already lost his ticket out of here, and Kie -” he didn’t finish the thought, but there was something hard and broken in his voice as it suddenly wavered. “This is on me. I did this. So I deal with this. And I don’t drag them down with me. No one else drowns because of me.” And there it was. JJ Maybanks and John B Routledge were thicker than thieves and where one was, the other wasn’t far behind, and it’d been that way ever since Shoupe joined the Kildare Sheriff’s Department. Hell, half his calls were responding to something they’d done - a particularly memorable one being an impromptu fireworks display inside the gym when Fourth of July was rained out. What happened when one half of you was suddenly gone?

And Bad Things

The dog bit down, hard, on Rick’s forearm, teeth sinking into skin and muscle until they hit bone, the dog violently shaking its head as Rick tried to pry the dog loose with his other hand, still caught in the rifle strap. He could still hear gunfire, could still hear the lieutenant yelling at the man, but what he could hear louder than anything else was the sound of the power drill and the kid screaming in agony.  

And Wrong Side

Rick tried not to think about the disaster that was his first mission as Thomas’s Overwatch. He hadn’t had much in the way of experience with SEALs, not firsthand. Marines and Navy rarely overreached during missions and centuries long tradition of hating each other kept most at arms length from each other, even back on base. Rick had plenty of experience keeping people away from him even before the Marines, but Thomas didn’t seem to take the hint. It hadn’t helped that Nuzo and TC hit it off almost instantly, and TC was less opposed to being friends with the walking ray of sunshine that was Thomas Magnum, which just made Rick all the more determined to hate the guy. It wasn’t until after their haywire mission that’d gone to Hell six ways from Sunday that Rick finally understood Thomas Sullivan Magnum. That his relaxed and affable nature wasn’t an act, and that he would bend over backwards to help anyone - anyone - regardless of whether or not he was supposed to. That he never bothered with anyone’s past, and never offered his own, because as far as he was concerned, here and now was all that mattered. That for seeming generally oblivious, the younger man missed nothing. And for all that easy going ‘rain is just another kind of good weather’ attitude, it hid a seriously terrifying alter ego.

And there’s another Prodigal Son (or two), I don’’t even want to count how many other Magnum’s, Lucifer, or random things that catch my attention because that is HOW I ROLL. 

Anyway. 

Tagging: @dragonnan, @beguilewritesstuff, @buckky, @itsjustdg, @21forestglades, @aliathewriter and whoever else wants to play, because Tumblr is being dumb and won’t let me tag anyone else (also, don’t feel obligated if you are tagged and don’t want to - I’m just hella nosy about sneak peeks) 

[mxrcayong]

let it unfold - chapter seven

chapter seven

day twenty-eight (still):

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you dart so fast.” Katie hoped to lighten the mood as she came in to the flat, seeing Mark coddled surrounded by blankets on the couch; watching random, stupid television.

Mark sighed, “I’m sorry. I just thought about what you said you wanted to do the fir-.”

“Hey, don’t be sorry.” Katie said sympathetically as she dropped the groceries she bought on the counter of the kitchen, “Never be sorry with me. Especially for that. You don’t control that.”

He groaned, “But I do! I should’ve been more careful! I didn’t want you to get hurt.” Katie looked into his eyes from across the room; Mark looked broken, and it didn’t help he was presumably fresh out the shower and looked so small on the couch, drenched in large blankets. “I shouldn’t have forgotten who I was.”

“Mark, no.” She quickly interjected, her voice becoming serious. He only ever hear her use this voice once before and that was when her boss called her about something to do with a kids behavior. “You are Mark Lee. You are a human like every one of us. Paparazzi here, yeah – they’re shittier than the ones in Korea, but you do not control them. None of this was your fault.” As she was saying this, she approached him so that she was now sitting in front of him. “You are Mark Lee. The Canadian-Korean boy who knows just how to make his friends burst out laughing,” make my heart race, she thought, “and who just so happens to be fucking talented at dancing and singing and rapping” and incredibly good looking, she thought to herself once more.

Mark didn’t know how to respond; he knew if he didn’t say anything and if the two remained in this position, he might do something he’ll regret and kiss her. “What did you buy?” He asked, his voice small and fragile.

“I bought dough, Soju, beer, cheese, tomato sauce, noodles, chicken broth, ramen, and so much more so we can get your mind off of this and we can cook your favorite foods and some pizza for a movie night.” She smiled, “And then we should probably go to the gym tomorrow but we can make even more food tomorrow.”

day twenty-nine

Mark wanted to get used to waking up with Katie in his arms. He practically begged her to stay the night prior but seeing her in the morning; with her hair in literal knots and her face showing all of her perfect imperfections – made his heart swell and reminded him this was a good decision.

He woke up earlier than he has been this trip; and spent most of that time thinking about the girl in his arms. He has felt how he’s been feeling around her before; but never this intense. He guesses its because romantic relationships has never been a priority with him – just performing was. But now, as it’s the forefront; all he wants to do is kiss her. He has the urge to be able to call her his. He sees her and sees something that he thinks is too good, too pure to be on this world – and she’s in his arms. He wants her to be there forever.

“Stop staring, you creep.” She mumbled, adjusting in her sleep. “Go back to sleep.” He chuckled at her sleep-heavy voice.

“I will,” He sighed, “in a bit.” He reached out and felt for his phone and immediately was greeted by an influx of messages from the NCT boys – the only people from SM he didn’t currently block.

Jaehyun: I think you’d want to know…dispatch and the news outlets here found the photos of you two

It was when he logged onto the NCT twitter he saw that #MarkLeeGirlfriend was trending. Fuck.

day thirty

Mark couldn’t feel luckier that the person he was with right now was Katie; who already knew he wanted to lay low and just stay in the AirBnB until it all blows over, even if it means spending their last days – originally planned to visit the valley and the bridge again – holed up inside.

“So, Netflix and food or food and Netflix?” Katie asked, holding up the delivery they just ordered.

“How about comida y Netflix?” Mark said, trying to come up with another combination.

“You dork.” She busted out in laughter, a smile painting her face. Mark felt accomplished seeing the smile on her face.

“But I’m your dork.” Mark didn’t fail to see her hesitation in her next response.

“I guess so.”

day thirty-one

Mark woke up surprisingly early for once; the first thing he planned on doing was getting ready and taking extra precautions with hiding his identity. Today was their last full day in his home and he feels like he needs more time here. Particularly, he feels like he needs more time with Katie to deal with his complicated feelings before having to be devoured by work.

He smiled at the sight of Katie at the kitchen; her hair was wet and cascading down her back in clusters of hair, wearing one oversized hoodie she’s stolen over their two years of friendship. He thinks it’s Johnny’s or Jaehyun’s hoodie. He wishes it was his.

An overpowering smell of bacon filled his nose. “Oh my God,” Mark exclaimed, “That smells amazing.”

Katie jumped at the sound of his voice, making him chuckle as he approached her. “You absolute dickhead! You scared me.” He chuckled, now standing beside her. “I’m making sure our last day here starts out right with…” As Katie put the spatula down, she reached down the cupboards. “Pizza bagels and bacon!”

“Oh my God,” Usually he’d respond with a simple phrase consisting of three words; those were the three words at the tip of his tongue, but saying it would only make his feelings known – especially now that they have a different meaning. “You’re amazing, you know that?” He substituted, making Katie chuckle and playfully flip her hair over her shoulder.

“I know.”

It felt like all the tension from the previous days have disappeared; the two were only consumed with the reminder that today was the last day they have with only each other for a while. “So, the plan of the day is…” Mark sat down at the marble counter that acted as a dining table, using it as a drum sets as he pulled out the plans the two had set prior. “We go on a bike ride around the city, meet up with friends at the market for a meal, walk down the beach, come home, and then binge movies with food that we make to use up all the ingredients you bought prior because my God girl, you bought a lot!” He exaggerated, making Katie roll her eyes as she put the bacon on the two plates.

“Now tell me those aren’t the work of a master-chef.”

“They aren’t.” Mark gave her a straight look, before bursting out laughing at her jokingly-shocked reaction. “No, they are, they are.”

Katie still faked offence, “Say that to your world-famous eggs.”

~~~~~~~

Mark knew he had to tell her tonight or not at all. It didn’t help that, knowing tonight is the night, she looked even more intimidatingly gorgeous. She just took a shower so any make up from the day was gone; she looked tired, but she looked freshly tired. Her hair was blow-dryed and looking soft and shiny in her messy bun. She was wearing an oversized shirt and a pair of spandex and Mark was enamored. He was speechless by her; she’s so effortlessly beautiful and he knew she had his heart.

He wasn’t confused about his feelings anymore; he wasn’t confused as they cuddled into their spare blankets on the floor of the sofa beds in the living room the two had set up to spend the last night together. He wasn’t confused as they shared a bowl of ramen and whatever food they could come up with the leftover ingredients. He wasn’t confused when they shared a bowl of ice cream.

“Okay, I’m saying we go for a horror movie next.” Katie proposed, peeling the blankets off of her and standing up. Mark readjusted, so he’s sitting with his legs crossed. His glasses made his eyes particularly doe-like. Katie found him magnetic to look at; from his hair being all fluffy, to his green hoodie making him look like a ‘small bean’ and just enough for her to embrace. All she wanted to do was kiss him.

Mark just nodded; speechless, as he has increasingly become more silent over the night. “Okay, you’re not the Mark I know –.” She retook her place, now sitting crisscrossed in front of him. She put their knees together and leaned forward, forcing Mark into eye contact. “Penny for your thoughts?”

He sighed, licking his lip before biting it. He held his finger out. “You know how you say people who break pinky promises are the biggest villains of them all?” Katie nodded suspiciously. “Well, can you pinky-promise when after I say this and it doesn’t work out as I hope, we’ll still be good?”

She linked her pinky in his, “What’s up bubs?”

“Katie, I think I’m falling for you.” He said quickly, but Katie was able to understand him. He was hesitant to use the L word.

“Haha, Mark, cut it.” Katie laughed instinctively. “You’re just being dumb.”

“No, Katie, I love you. I do; I love the way you smile and the way you care about me. I love how you stand on your tip toes when you order anything, or how you always hum when theres silence. I love how you make me feel. Most importantly, I love who you help me be. I love who I am with you.”

Katie felt speechless. “Mark, you swear you’re not saying this because you’re here? Because I’m here?” She’s hesitant, she’s worried. She dreamt of this, but she’s always scared of commitment. She didn’t want to lose him because he didn’t think this through. “Mark, you may say this now but I don’t want you to go back to Korea and realize you could have anyone better than me – maybe an idol – and then regret everything.”

Mark smiled softly, biting his lip. “There’s no one better than you for me, Katie.” He sighed, “I never noticed how being around you made me feel different than it was supposed to. I thought it was what its like to have a female best friend – but no, I felt butterflies. I felt the happiest around you. Katie, please say you feel the same.”

She didn’t respond with words; she just leaned in and pressed her lips against his. Within minutes, Mark had pushed her down on the sofa bed – hovering over her as they make out.

“Oh my god,” Katie said breathless, “This is so cliché” She said through heavy breaths between their kisses. They’re both breathless; lips practically bruised from the amount of times their lips met passionately. But their lips barely met the beginning of it; they have a whole month worth of making up to do.

day thirty-two

It felt like her lips lingered on his; the taste of her vanilla lip balm a reminder of what happened last night. That, and the way they slept more closely than they have before; their legs tangled together, both of them in their undergarments, and her arms thrown tightly around his chest. The smell of lavender from her shampoo wafted into his nose; and he immediately smiled waking up. Their clothes from their rather intense make out session were thrown onto the floor. Mark was glad Katie ended it there; he wanted to take things slow with her. He didn’t want to mess anything up, so once Katie had fallen asleep; he went to take a cold shower and immediately went back in her arms.

Now, as he rested with the girl of his dreams asleep in his arms, he was hit with a sudden realization; we’re going home. And he doesn’t know if they can stay like this.

[aminmelall]

Nostalgia vs Instagram Culture

Something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately... Is Instagram. 

More specifically, the type of culture that seems to have bubbled up around it in the past few years. It is so very big. When I was younger, Maybelline Dream Matte Mousse and spidery eyelashes were the trend, but it was mainly concentrated to secondary schools in the UK, not the entire globe. And not with the same ferocity and consequence that Instagram trends now seem to have.

The Kardashians, “fierce” brows, harsh contouring, and lip injections are now commonplace. Showing off your organic avocado on toast brunch that cost you £15 (not including your iced latte). posing in expensive gym clothes, big fake acrylic nails, makeup tutorials that make you look completely and utterly transformed from your natural look. Phones that cost over two months’ rent. As much as I see the appeal of all these things, to me, they just feel too far removed from the organic and authentic self. The totally stripped down to the basics, self. It almost makes you forget that there is an organic form of you.

When I am nostalgic, I remember washing my face with a bar of soap and a flannel, not having an entire skin care routine with over five different steps. (I still have no idea what toner is for). I remember going outside to the park, and having to go to your friends house and ask if they were coming out, rather than messaging or even texting, back when I was 11 and didn’t even have a phone. When I was younger, there was no social media. I had no concept of fashion, the only things I knew about makeup came from watching my mum put hers on before she went to work and ultimately, the only people I was exposed to were the people i went to school with, not the majority of the population of the planet. If I wanted to impress anyone, it was the kids in my class at school, not literally the entire Instagram-using world. And they were the only people I had to compare myself to.

 I know that to most people, thinking about what life used to be like is something to be snorted at. “Thank God times have changed and I learned how to do my eyebrows!”.

And sure, the beauty and fashion industry has been around for hundreds of years. Obviously before Instagram there were movies, TV shows, TV advertisements and countless magazines that were along the same vein. “These people are desirable, and you should want to be like these people, because if you are, you’ll be desirable too, and that means you’ll be happy!” But that’s not what I’m talking about right now, and is a little outdated.

 It’s 2020, and now with one billion users worldwide, Instagram is the main platform of “This is what you should want. This is what you should be.”

So many people get carried away with Instagram to the point where they dedicate almost all aspects of their lives to fitting this image of perfection that has been dictated by the culture of social media. Your makeup, your body type, the food you eat and everything you do- if you are so constantly exposed to these trends, you’ll start to believe that this is what you need to be. Everyone else has the latest iPhone, so you need one too. People are pumping their faces full of silicone and crayoning on their eyebrows and gluing plastic spikes to their fingertips, so... that’s what you should be doing too, right? These people have thousands or millions of followers. Evidently, they are what is desirable. And everybody wants to be desirable, so what do we do? 

We follow suit, and take pictures along the way, and let the world know; “Me too!! Look, I have everything I need to be attractive and acceptable to the world! Look at me!!”

 And ultimately, does it make any of us any happier? Does it further our careers, contribute to our real-life friendships and relationships in any way? Our real life is all we have. Our family, our friends and every single day we get to be alive, where we are, the city we’re in and the job we work, all of that is happening to us right now. And there are so many people wasting so much time gormlessly staring at their phones, ogling profiles of people who have the lives they wish they had, but they would have never have even known about if they just put their phones down and really looked at everything around them and saw the beauty in the here and now.

As a disclaimer, I’m not shaming anybody for liking iPhones or dip brow pomade or acrylic nails. I am not angry with the people that use these things or engage in social media. 

My main criticism is not about people indulging in these things they may enjoy, but the total disregard and complete amnesia to what it is to be a well-rounded person without those things. The notion that it’s okay to not want all of that stuff. You don’t need them. You don’t need to be anything other than what you are.

You can be a functional, desirable, and hell, even just a happy person if you decide to not wear any makeup. If you don’t want to spend a thousand pounds on a phone. You’re allowed to not want to go to the gym, ever. It’s okay to completely despise avocado on toast. It’s okay to have had the same cracked phone for the past three years, and have no intention of buying a new one because hey, if it works, it works! It’s okay to be flat chested, or chubby, or fat. It’s okay to be ugly. It’s okay to be spotty or have spot scars or be happy in the job you have right now, and to enjoy doing nothing in your spare time. You don’t need to “constantly be striving to be a better you.” You can just be you. You are enough. 

 There is nothing wrong with you for being you, just the way you are. 

Without the makeup, without the fancy clothes, without a phone, or a gym membership, or pictures of fancy food. Without your perfectly sculpted eyebrows, without your acrylic nails, or without a “themed” Instagram profile. It’s alright to just be a person that washes their face with a bar of soap. 

I’ve come to the point where I’ve reassessed the things that bring me true joy, in the here and now. I like cooking, spending time with my loved ones, reading, having a hot water bottle. If I go to the pub, I make a point to not look at my phone, and instead enjoy my drink, or food, and enjoy the buzzing ambience around me. 

It is so much easier, eventually, to enjoy your life when you’re not constantly trying to prove how fantastic your life is to a billion strangers. When you’re not trying to find something aesthetic to post, or when you’re trawling through these perfectly curated profiles and wondering why you don’t have that life.  

Spoiler alert, barely anybody actually has that life. Your life is normal, and wonderful, and has all the possibility to be filled with joy and happiness, that has nothing to do with your social media presence. 

And I really really wish more people would take that to heart, because I’m worried about the world. I’m worried about people and about the decline in communities that look after one another, I’m worried about all the people out there who base their self worth purely on what other people think of them, whether all they can think about is posting the perfect selfie, or whether they’re being cyber-bullied and it’s affecting their whole lives.

 I’m worried about the people that are missing out on their family life, their relationships, because they’re busy scrolling on their phones. One day, there will come a day where I can’t quite remember what my mum’s laugh sounds like. One day, my grandparent’s will be gone. Something terrible could happen to any of my loved ones at any moment, and I don’t want myself or anybody else to have missed out on precious interactions with their family and friends because they are so obsessed with whatever is on their phones at that time, or just in some other way preoccupied with the culture of social media.

And while I am aware that social media can be a great platform to start your own business, meet your soulmate, make friends and discover new places to go, interests, food, and you name it, I can’t help but worry that the cons outweigh the pros, and the amount we would all have to gain if we weren’t so obsessed with social media. 

Thanks for reading x

[doing-all-write]

the art of flirting on a hoverboard

Ivy runs a successful arts non-profit and Joe tags along when Rami and Lucy go to visit her. But what happens when a simple bet made over a hover board competition gets out of hand? 

Pairing: Joe Mazzello x Ivy (OC)

Rating: Rated B for background and C for characterization. (We love exposition in this house)

Warnings: None! 

This is for sure going to be a multi-part fic so here’s the first part! I hope you guys fall in love with Joe and Ivy as much as I had writing them! Ivy wasn’t inspired by anyone tbh, I tried writing in the second person but it kept confusing me so she can be a self-insert or an OC, whichever way you want to read it! 

Any comments, notes, love, hate WHATEVER you got for this, let me know! 

Reblogs and feedback are much appreciated bc I crave validation!!!!!

"EXCUSE US. HOVER BOARD COMING THROUGH." 

Joe jumped, looking around to locate the voice, and said hover board, as Rami sighed with longing.  

The hover board in question was attached (by what Joe could only guess was a jump rope?) to a scooter. The scooter carried two kids while a third desperately tried to keep their center of gravity underneath them as they all raced down the hallway, laughter and profanities left in their wake. 

The receptionist behind the desk leaned over, offering encouragement as her iPhone lens tracked them as they all loudly screamed upon realizing they would have to turn a corner. 

As they took the corner (with only one loud "FUCK" uttered as the hover boarder's shoulder made contact with the wall, but impressively, stayed on) the receptionist shook her head as she watched the video back. Snickering, her thumbs flew as she added a caption. The nameplate attached to the front of her desk identified her as Erin.

Erin looked up once the video had been posted to her Story and her eyes lit up as they fell on Rami.

"Well, well, well. Look who came CRAWLING back to us. Mister Oscar Winner."

Rami rubbed the back of his neck, "Seriously, Erin? I literally saw you last week." 

Erin made her way around the desk to wrap him in a hug, "Doesn't matter. And besides, I just like seeing the internal struggle that you go through where you want to brag about having an Oscar but also don't want to seem like a massive prick." 

Rami shrugged, "It's a fine line always." 

"Sometimes it's so fine it's nonexistent." Lucy piped up which caused Erin to collapse into giggles as Rami rolled his eyes and Joe smirked. 

"Oh, I'm going to enjoy your company IMMENSELY." Erin said as she turned to Lucy and shook her hand.

"Likewise." Lucy offered as Erin turned to Joe.

"What about me? Are we going to become instant besties?" Joe joked as he shook Erin's hand.

Erin shrugged, "Depends, are you going to roast Rami with me?"

"Absolutely. No hesitation. He's not even my friend."

Erin clapped him on the shoulder, "Good man. We're now besties."

Joe hissed a "yes" as Rami, oblivious to all of this, craned his neck to try to see where the joy riders had disappeared to down the hallway. 

"Glad to see the trend of 'tying wheeled objects to other wheeled objects' hasn't died out." He shot a knowing smile at Erin who rolled her eyes. 

"They'll be back, they usually make a few laps." Erin sighed. "They usually do this whenever new people show up, trying to impress you guys," she fluttered her fingers in the direction of Lucy and Joe. 

"Plus around three everyone starts getting stir crazy so...hover boards." She waved her hand flippantly in the air as if that gesture explained the inner mechanisms of bored teenager's brains. 

Rami nodded, "I have fond memories of us, well, Ivy, almost dying when we tied a skateboard to a bike and tried to make it down the hill, you remember that?" Erin nodded as she threw her arm around his shoulders as they both sighed at the memory of being young and stupid.

Lucy's eye flicked over to Joe who shrugged. 

"We should definitely recreate that" Rami declared.

Joe's eyes lit up at the prospect of doing something so chaotic as Lucy turned to Erin, "Do you have a bike, jump rope and skateboard?" 

Erin laughed, then upon seeing the trio in front of her not joining in, realized they were serious, and quickly swallowed her laughter as she cleared her throat.

"We definitely do but your 'meeting'," Erin put air quotes around meeting, knowing full well it was an excuse for them to fuck around and do stupid shit like this for the rest of the day, "with Ivy is in like, two minutes and she'll be so pissed if she misses out on that." 

Erin paused, eyes raised up and to the right as if she could look right through the floor to where Ivy was. "Honestly, if you propose the idea to Ivy right away, you guys could discuss logistics for this week and build that at the same time." 

Rami nodded once in understanding, "Good call, she's always been a fan of multi-tasking anyway." 

Erin laughed, "Yeah, remember when she was just starting this foundation? She had so much to remember and do, and we came in one day and she was grouting one of the bathrooms, on the phone with a sponsor and was sending out a mass email asking for volunteers all at the same time?"

Joe and Lucy exchanged looks as Rami and Erin chuckled over a memory that went right over their heads.

Lucy spoke up, "Sorry, but you two'll have to explain further. All Rami told me was that he was visiting an old friend and I was on the phone with Joe at the time and he invited himself."

Joe adopted an affronted expression, "Well EX-cuse me for ruining an outing that you were already barging in on!" 

Lucy gave his shoulder a gentle shove with a twinkle in her eye,  "Maybe if you didn't have to call me every time you heard a Queen song in public this wouldn't be an issue!" 

Joe opened his mouth to respond when Rami interjected, "Ivy's been my friend for forever. We met doing community theater. She always talked about how it was so hard for kids to get involved in the arts because there was such a sense of elitism attached to it, she wanted to make it more accessible to kids."

He paused and took in the scene around him, people running back and forth through the lobby, calling out to each other, going over song ideas, running lines, carrying pieces of props back and forth, collaborating on beats, and that was just in the lobby. He knew that further into the building they'd discover recording studios, blackbox spaces, auditoriums, dance studios, a gym and a living space that had been added on after Ivy and the other co-founders had been caught camping out in one of the auditoriums after a particularly grueling event planning session for the foundation. 

Erin picked up where Rami had trailed off, "And not just things like acting and singing. All the backstage work, the stage managers, the people who mix music, who build sets, who do special effects makeup, all the non-acting and singing jobs, she wanted to shine a light on them too. So, she started this foundation to give kids a chance to explore all the options the arts provide. She likes having individuals who have 'made it' come in from time to time. Either to visit, maybe talk to the kids, teach some classes, give a lecture or even, in this case, just to hang out."

"I think she mainly wanted me to come so she could meet Lucy since I wouldn't shut up about her every time we talked." Rami admitted with a grin as Lucy threw her head back and laughed.  

Erin glanced between them, "So, how long have you two been dating?" 

Lucy glanced at Rami, "About a year now."

"But it feels like forever." Rami quickly added as he squeezed Lucy into his side and planted a kiss on to the top of her head.

"Oh that's disgusting. Get out of here with that shit." Erin said as a smile broke over her face.

"They're always that cute. Frankly, I'm getting fed up with their happiness." Joe said as he smiled at Erin and rolled his eyes. 

"Well, what about you, Joseph? You dating anyone?" Erin crossed her arms as she directed her piercing gaze onto him.

"Ah, well, no. Not at this time. I don't know, guess I haven't found the right person." Joe shrugged as he scratched the back of his neck.

"Hmm. Tell me Joe, how do you feel about women who can grout a bathroom AND ask for money all at the same time?" Erin jokingly said as Rami snapped his gaze over to Joe.

"Holy shit, dude. No, this could be perfect."

Lucy, smelling a scheme and wanting in immediately, turned to Rami and Erin, "What do you mean?" She shook her head, "You know what? Doesn't matter. I'm in."

Joe, looking very much like a panicked gazelle after realizing lions hd him surrounded, looked between the three of them, "I'm not sure I like where this is going."

Erin completely ignored him as she turned her full focus onto Rami and Lucy, "They would be perfect together. I mean, Rami, you know Ivy. Tell me they wouldn't be so cute together." 

Lucy scrunched her nose as she pondered what Erin had just said, "Wait, is she the one with the nose piercing?"

"YES." Rami turned to Erin, "Ivy's FaceTimed me a few times and she's met Lucy that way."

Lucy's eyes lit up, "Oh my god, she's beautiful. Yeah, they would be such a good match!"

"CAN I GET A SAY IN THIS PLEASE?" Joe interjected as he waved his arms over his head to get the groups attention. 

Everyone's gaze snapped to Joe and Erin had the decency to look guilty, "Sorry. I got carried away. Ivy just," her eyes flitted around as she tried to pick the best words to describe her friend's situation, "She doesn't think she deserves to date nice guys so her past few boyfriends have all been assholes. I just really want her to date someone good and if Rami and my new bestie Lucy think you're a good guy well...I trust them." Erin said as she shot Joe a half smile.

Joe crossed his arms, "Alright, that's...sweet. But still. I'd at least like to meet this girl before you guys pick out rings for us."

Erin's phone vibrated at that moment and risked a glance down at it. She looked up to announce, "Well, luckily you'll be able to meet her in a few minutes, Ivy's current meeting is wrapping up in two minutes. So, get ready to meet your future wife." she joked as Joe rolled his eyes and Lucy snickered. 

"You guys can take a seat while you wait. I should probably actually go do my job." Erin said begrudgingly as she trudged back behind her desk.

They all offered their thanks and wandered over to the chairs in front of Erin's desk. The desk was situated in the middle of two staircases that came down from the second floor. Joe could see glass-walled office spaces, each outfitted with a dry erase board, tables, chairs, charging ports and a mini fridge. 

Rami nudged him as he pointed to the first room at the top of the right staircase, "You see the girl writing at the whiteboard? That's Ivy." 

Joe followed his finger as his eyes swept over the room noticing the two men and four women. Only one of the women was scribbling something onto the white board, her back facing the lobby. 

She was wearing a pair of denim cutoff shorts, a white t-shirt and converse. She spun around and her hair followed as she opened her mouth in a silent laugh. 

Her smile made the whole room brighter, everyone seemed more jovial as she talked and gestured with her hands to drive her point home. 

Joe couldn't take his eyes off her. 

Lucy looked over at Joe to make a comment about what his first impression was of his future girlfriend but when she saw the dazed look that had come over him, she pressed her lips together and knew that it wouldn't be "maybe" they'd start dating but "when" they started dating. 

Rami raised his hand in an enthusiastic wave to try to get Ivy's attention. Her eyes flicked toward the movement then away. A second later they clapped back onto her friend as her face broke open into a wide smile as she waved wildly back. 

"Gang, let's wrap up this meeting, Rami's here and I want to hang out with him." Ivy announced to the room. Everyone agreed and started gathering their things.

"I didn't know Rami was coming to visit, did he bring his girlfriend?" Ava, their HR Wonder Woman/personal trainer, was peering down into the lobby waving wildly back at Rami, who at this point, was jumping up and down.

Ivy glanced up from her laptop as she saved her notes and snorted at Rami's actions, "Yeah. I told him if he didn't bring her here, to his humble beginnings, I'd track her down myself and force her to come visit." 

Charlotte, their finance wizard and the one to corral board members, barked out a laugh, "Yeah, that would look really good for us. 'Local Non-Profit Investigated for Kidnapping Charges.' That would really help us get more money."

"Better than us bamboozling funds." Adam, their music mixing master, pointed out as he pushed Ivy's cup of iced coffee closer to her so she wouldn't forget it. Ivy smiled her thanks as she took a sip.

"Yeah, better to explain a kidnapping charge than doing weird shit with people's money like buying furry costumes or having wild orgy parties." Sean, their 'Bob the Builder' of set designs, chimed in as he stood by the conference room door, sticking a pencil behind his ear.

Gracie, their social media coordinator looked up from her phone, "Why would we be having wild orgies?"

"Well, wasn't Dionysus the god of theatre? He was also the god of parties and all things hedonistic so...orgies." Sean offered as if that all made perfect sense.

"Also, it's a well known fact, all theatre kids are horny on main so it probably wouldn't be a huge shock to most people." Ivy said as she took another sip of her drink. 

"As much as I love talking about orgies and kidnapping others with you guys, Ivy you better get down there. All three of them are jumping up and down and waving now." Ava offered from her vantage point by the window.

"All three? I thought it was just Rami and Lucy?" Ivy's brow crinkled as she walked over to the window.

"There's a third guy. He seems pretty cute in a 'basic white boy' way."

"Oh my god. Ivy. Date him. He sounds like he’s just your type." 

"God, Adam, you act like I've never dated anyone, ever."

"Well, no one good at least." Charlotte mumbled under her breath as she continued furiously typing.

"CHARLOTTE." Ivy screeched as she whirled around to face the room at large. 

Gracie threw up her hands, "Someone had to say it! It might as well be Charlotte! She's known you the longest."

"Yeah, but-I mean, this is-c'mon guys!" Ivy knew her voice was getting whiny but she couldn't help it. Her friends always ganged up on her about her dating life and she really didn't want to hear it. Especially when she was so close to getting out of work for the rest of the day.

Adam threw an arm around Ivy's shoulder as he passed by her on his way to the door, "Now, now everyone. Just because Ivy's never dated a good man before doesn't mean she ever will. It will just take an act of god to make that happen." 

"Fuck. Off."

Adam planted a loud kiss to Ivy's cheek as he scurried out of the room with Sean following close behind, "LOVE YOU IVY."

Ivy rolled her eyes and turned to the remaining women in the room. 

"Is my taste in men really that bad?" 

"YES." 

Ivy winced as all three of them answered with no hesitation.

Charlotte sighed as she adjusted one of her dreads, "It's because we love you that we say these things. We want what's best for you."

Gracie and Ava nodded in agreement as Ivy slumped against the window and groaned.

"I know you do. I can't help it! Every time a guy is actually nice and sweet I get so scared he'll leave me that I just...go for the exact opposite so I don't get hurt."

There was a long pause then Gracie blinked, "That's...a lot to unpack."

"You're telling me." Ivy mumbled as Ava wrapped her in a hug.

"We still love you but maybe, just try going for an actual nice guy. Just this once. I know I'm just a simple lesbian but I'm sure there has to be a nice guy out there right?"

"Do you really believe that?" Ivy leaned her head on Ava's shoulder. 

"No, not at all. I just thought it would make you feel better. Did it?"

"Well, it did until you told me you lied."

"Hmm. Yeah. My bad. Well! Go get 'em." Ava said as she patted Ivy on the back and swept out the door.

Ivy rolled her eyes, "Will I ever hire or befriend people who aren't a giant pain in my ass?" 

"Not likely."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence Char."

"No problem. NOW GO. See your friend. We love you."

Ivy waved as she walked out the door toward her office, thumbing through her phone till she got to Erin's contact information.

As she stepped inside her office, the light coming in from her bay window almost blinded her as she dropped her stuff onto her desk. 

"Are you coming down or what? You told me you'd be down like, three thousand hours ago."

"Your perspective of time is a little worrisome."

"ARE YOU COMING DOWN OR WHAT."

"Yes, oh my god, I just wanted to let you know that I'm dropping my stuff off in my office then I'll be down and I would be oh so grateful if you'd rely that information to Rami, Lucy and Joe."

"Yeah, I can do that. By the way, Joe? Very cute. Good sense of humor. Single. Seems like he'd have a nice dic-"

"ERIN."

"WHAT. I'm just letting you know what I've observed so far!"

Ivy rolled her eyes, "I don't even want to know how you got to that last conclusion but honestly he's probably not even going to be interested in me."

Erin scoffed, "Want to fucking bet? He was definitely checking you out earlier. Mayhaps someone has a crush..." She singsonged into the phone as Ivy's heartbeat sped up against her will. 

The idea of someone like Joe having a crush on her was, well, too much for her to even consider. It was easier to go for guys that she really didn't like or who liked her more than she liked them. That way, she never got hurt. She never had to spend another night crying over some guy who didn't give her the time of day. No one was disappointed when they finally got to know the real her. She could keep her focus on her work, which is where her focus should be.

Not on some cute, seemingly nice guy who might break her heart.

But some nights, some nights she couldn't help but wish she had someone she really, genuinely liked holding her close.

She started to imagine flirting with Joe. Going on dates with him. Holding his hand. Kissing him. She felt a warmth start to seep through her stomach as she imagined him kissing her, then moving down to kiss her neck, her chest, her-

"...ASS down here so I can prove to you I'm right." Ivy refocused her eyes on her reflection in her dark monitor screen as Erin's command broke through her thoughts. "Alright, alright, tell them I'll be down in, like, 30 seconds."

She hung up and took a deep breath. She ran her fingers through her hair and walked towards the door. 

She paused, turned back and rifled through the drawer of her desk. She quickly applied some lipstick and sprayed a cloud of perfume in front of her, waited a beat, then walked through it.

It couldn't hurt.

~~~

Erin, shaking her head, lowered the phone from her ear and looked at the trio in front of her, still waving like those on a dock waving to an ocean liner on its maiden voyage. "She's running to her office real quick and then she'll be down, promise."

Rami lowered his arm as Lucy shook her's out, "Yeah, I saw her race off." Lucy nodded in agreement and spared a glance at Joe who kept running a hand through his hair, a sure sign he was nervous.

"So, I saw some guy kiss Ivy's cheek, did she start dating someone without us knowing or..." Lucy trailed off as she subtly flicked her eyes over to Joe then back to Erin. Erin's eyes widened in understanding and inclined her head to let Lucy know Don't worry, I get what you're trying to do and we're on the same team. Lucy nodded once and in that moment, an alliance was born.

Rami couldn't tell what had tectonic shift had just transpired between Erin and Lucy but decided to stay out of it.

Shaking her head, Erin replied, "No, that's just Adam. He's known Ivy for forever. Everyone here is pretty affectionate with each other but, like I said earlier, Ivy's single," she emphasized as Joe's hand stilled in his hair, "and Adam has a serious boyfriend who's usually hanging around here." Lucy nodded knowingly as Joe felt a weight being lifted from his shoulders. 

He didn't like to admit it, but the idea of Ivy having a boyfriend had caused him to deflate, just a little.

"Speak of the fucking devil," Erin muttered, then louder, "THERE YOU ARE. I was about to send out a search and rescue mission for you." 

"Well call it off. I'm here. And it wasn't that long!" Ivy said defensively as she trotted down the stairs. 

Erin noticed how Ivy's hair looked liked it had been brushed, the waves were softer. The woodsy scent of Ivy's favorite perfume reached Erin's nostrils as Ivy gave her a quick hug. When she clocked the freshly applied lipstick it all clicked. She smiled as she realized that Ivy must have taken a while to freshen up because she was trying to impress Joe. 

"What the hell are you smiling about?"

"What? Can I not smile?"

"I mean, you can. But it was weird to come out of the hug and have you just smiling at me. It's a little creepy." 

"Well fine. See if I ever smile at you again." Erin bumped her hip against Ivy's as Ivy turned to greet Rami. 

"WELL, WELL, WELL. If it isn't Mister 'I Won an Oscar So I'm Too Good For My Non-Oscar Winning Friends'."

"IT'S NOT LIKE THAT."

As Ivy continued to tease Rami and meet Lucy in person, Joe got a chance to look at Ivy up close. He noticed she had freckles covering her cheeks and nose he hadn't noticed before. Her lips were full, her eyes bright as she laughed at something Lucy had said. Her smile was even more radiant up close. She was short, shorter than Joe and he wanted nothing more than to wrap an arm around her shoulder and tuck her into his side. 

Ivy shifted and Joe noticed how the muscles of her thigh moved underneath her skin and wanted nothing more than to feel those thighs wrapped around his head as he went down on her. Feeling them squeeze the sides of his head as he wrapped one hand around her thigh while the other hand teased her entrance...

"Joe? JOEY. Come back to us." Erin laughed. 

Joe snapped back to attention and saw a bemused Ivy staring back at him with her hand outstretched. 

"I promise I don't have cooties."

Joe shook his head as he mentally kicked himself, "Yeah, no, I'm so sorry, uh, I'm Joe! It's nice to meet you." 

"Nice to meet you too. A little disappointed you didn't bring the cardboard cutout of Ben."

"That's going to follow me until the day I die isn't it?"

"Well yeah. Especially since I'm assuming you'll be buried together." 

Joe laughed and Ivy smiled at him.

Erin and Lucy exchanged looks as they both noticed their hands were still connected. 

Rami cut in, "Ivy, we saw these kids roll past on a scooter with a hover board attached and it reminded me of the time we did the same thing but with-"

"-with a bike and a skateboard, hell yes!" Ivy exclaimed as she let her hand slip from Joe's as she turned to meet Rami's excited expression. 

Joe flexed his hand and realized how cold it was. 

"I know where all that stuff is, follow me." She linked arms with Rami and started skipping down the hall with him. Lucy laughed while Joe, not one to be left behind, linked his arm through Lucy's and started skipping after them.

"Soooo," Lucy said as they followed the laughing pair down a hallway lined with vintage concert posters and records with doors that led to recording studios, "what do you think of your new girlfriend? Is there a spark?" 

"I think she's really great." Joe offered with a noncommittal shrug, "I don't really know what else to say beyond that, but I think we're going to get along well." 

"Do you think she's pretty?" Lucy pressed, never one to beat around the bush.

Joe took a second and finally decided that with Lucy, the truth was always better. She would find out anyway, "Yeah, I do." Hoping the forced casual tone of his voice would downplay how beautiful he really thought she was.

Lucy nodded while on the inside she was jumping up and down and cheering. 

All the while, Erin watched them receding down the hallway and spoke to herself, as if she were a Greek chorus of one, "I give them a week before they can't keep their hands off of each other."

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #234

“don’t take care of me - be scared of me.”

Does it bother you when people beg? I mean, it depends on the consistency, intensity, and the subject. Do you ever eat cookie dough raw? I have, but salmonella will punish me some day. Are you one of those people who are always cold? I am the exact opposite. When was the last time you rode a rollercoaster? Pf, never. Don't want to. Do you like hot dogs? I hate the fact that I love them lol. Do you have any weird rings? I wouldn't consider any "weird," no. Have any bad addictions? Ugh, caffeine. Are you anything like your siblings? I am very, very different from my two immediate sisters. Ma says I'm extremely similar to Katie, my half-sister, though it's odd because we don't seem to agree on very much? I don't even think she likes me. When was the last time you shaved your legs? Literally not since like... February. It's not like anybody but family sees my legs anyway. It's just stupid societal expectations for a woman, and I've never been prone to obeying those to begin with. Do you like long bike rides? I used to LOVE riding my bike when I lived in the woods/by an almost-dead road, but I haven't that in... god, years. I don't even have that bike anymore. My knees would never, EVER survive riding one right now. Do you know someone who is blind? My sister is in one eye, but I can't remember which. Do you have a YouTube account? how else would I like every Mark video in existence and I wish I was kidding?????????????? How many cell phones have you had? No clue. Not many. Maybe like, four or so. When was the last time something bothered you? Yesterday 'cuz I was getting weird fuckin phone calls. Do you ever try free samples at the store? Sure, if they seem like something I'd like. Can you speak French or Spanish? No. What school year do you think will be/was the saddest? 8th. Anxiety and depression were getting bad, puberty was A Thing, confused about life in general and why all this sadness and fear was happening to me. Do you like boys with long hair? I mean this depends on the person, but in general, yes. I think I prefer it over shorter, in most cases. Have you ever had plum juice? No, but that sounds decent. If I can even remember what a plum tastes like... I loved them as a kid, haven't had one in like, years. Have you ever passed out? Once, almost twice not long after the first time. Was today someones birthday that you know? No. Have you drank any water today? A little bit. When was the last time you had a crowd at your house? Holy shit. Probably not since we MOVED here in '17. Are you worried about anything right now? When aren't I at least a bit worried about something, really. Are you keeping anything from your best friends right now? No. Do you currently have any mosquito bites? Not currently. A- blood, hell yeah man. Do you have Twitter? Yes. Literally to like. um. one somebody's stuff. If you found out you were pregnant, who would you tell? God FUCKING forbid. Obviously my family. Sara. If it was from consensual sex, I'd tell friends eventually. If it was, uh, any other way, probably not EVEN some family because there are some that would probably never speak to me again if I got an abortion. Is your driveway stone or pavement? Stone. Have you ever caught something on fire? Yeah. Y'know, s'mores, sparklers, wood when making a bonfire or something. Regular stuff. How many people have you kissed in a car? One or two. Idr if Sara and I ever have. Do you and your best friend have an inside joke? "buzzfeed" Do you have a gym membership? Not anymore. How long was your last shower? Not even ten minutes. Get clean and get out. What is your favorite color fingernail polish? I think red tends to be the prettiest. If you had to get a tattoo, what would it be of? Man, don't ask me this. I have a billion ideas. If I had the money for it though, I'd probably finally get this (Denialism) as a tat on my left upper arm next. It's like, my favorite drawing ever, and I've already gotten the artist's permission. What is the best fast food place, in your opinion? Sonic has had my heart lately. What is your favorite eye color in the opposite sex? I just generally like vibrant and/or light blue eyes, but I really don't care about someone's eye color. What is your mom’s maiden name? Yeah, let's share that on the Internet. Would you rather receive balloons or flowers for valentine’s day? Flowers. Balloons are nothing but waste and wind up as litter anyway. Do you follow the crowd when it comes to trends or do your own thing? Do my own thing. Trends 'n shit don't matter to me; I don't care how "cool" or "uncool" something is. I like what I like. What is your worst bad habit? Assuming the worst of absolutely everything within .01 seconds. Do you believe in happily ever after? No. Things aren't always gonna be happy, sorry. What is your average phone bill? I don't know, Dad pays it. Which is better: chapstick or lip gloss? Chapstick. Have you ever been proposed to? No. Do you take certain medicine on a daily basis? A decent number. Have you ever seen two people together and you got sick to your stomach? I remember seeing a picture of Jason and his girlfriend after me once after they got together and I. Don't know how to describe that feeling. I think I felt more murderous than anything. Do you prefer laptops or desktop computers? Laptops for portability's sake. Have you ever had a really bad haircut? Looking back, the haircut I had before this one wasn't great. Only at some angles did it look good. I mean I don't regret it though, it's how I realized I think I'd like short hair. Did you ever order any clothes from the Alloy catalog? Never heard of them. What brand, color, and type is your favorite eyeliner? I love black eyeliner, but I don't have any favorite brands. I hate liquid, though. My hands aren't steady enough for that, and it's just messy. What’s your favorite type of yogurt? Meh, not a big fan. Idk. Do you have any overdue library books right now? No. Do you have a piggy bank? No. Do you remember your locker combinations from high school? Nope. Do you own plaid pants? No. Have you ever had to wear a school uniform? Yeah, through all of middle school. What was your high school’s mascot? A firebird. Who were your best friends in high school? I had various ones. Excluding The Ex, there was Hannia, Alon, Megan, Maria, Girt... There was a few. Have you ever been to Chicago? Once, with Sara and her dad. At night. And the lights and cars and shops and towers and everything was too much for my rural ass. I'm not a city person, but because it was SO different and just incredible in scope and all, I still thought it was absolutely beautiful and so exciting. Would you rather sleep on the top bunk or bottom bunk? Bottom. When my sister and I were little and shared a room though, I almost always had the top bunk. As I got older though, that inverted. Have you ever had a secret admirer that left you notes? I THINK Aaron did once, but I can't remember for sure. Are you close with your cousins? No. Are you close to any aunts or uncles? Not especially, but only because, like my cousins, I pretty much never see them. Are you close to your grandparents? All but one is dead, and that one is dying. Barely knew any, save for my remaining grandmother, and we've never gotten along well/agreed on much, but I mean, I still care for her. I also pretty much never saw her. Who betrayed your trust? Plenty of people. Who was your first best friend (apart from a sibling)? Brianna. What was your favorite thing to do at sleepovers when you were younger? I don't know. Probably play make-believe or go swimming. What kind of popcorn is your favorite? Normal with butter and salt. Does your town have a big fountain in it? The next town over does. What is your town known for? "You mean Tennessee?" Don't think that's too much of a giveaway. What’s one way in which you’re still a child? I am very dependent on Mom. What’s one way in which you’re old? My knees are at least 107. Do you know what you want to do for your next birthday? gooooooood take me to get a tatTOOOOOOO What would be the best surprise you could receive right now? Mom buying tickets to the Ozzy concert next year alksdjfalwe. I've been losing my fucking mind since the new single came out and album was announced. Do you usually forgive when someone hurts your or try to get revenge? I'm not a vengeful person at all, really. I tend to forgive. Were there any subjects in school that were really easy for you? English has always been a breeze, and usually science. Did you ever skip a grade or get held back a grade? No. Do you think you look better with dyed hair or natural hair? Just about anyone looks better with dyed hair to me. I just like colorful, interesting hair. Has your hair color changed since you were a toddler? Yes. I was born dirty blonde. Do you own an American flag shirt? No. Do you own a British flag shirt? No. Do you have a seashell collection? No. We used to have a box of them, though. Do you have a rock collection? No. What is your favorite thing to do in the pool? Just chill. Casually swim around aimlessly. Cacti or seashells? Hmmmm. I think seashells, but that's tough. Dreamcatcher or wind chimes? MAN, this depends on the design. Have you ever taken a picture at the perfect moment? The only one I have that I consider the absolute *perfect* moment was at Ashley's gender reveal when she and her husband found out the baby is a girl. Her face especially is priceless. What color was your first car? N/A Was your first car used or new? N/A What was the last thing you said in complete caps? HAHAHA I sent Sara a fucking CURSED picture of Pennywise as a good morning text. Do you enjoy playing board games? Not really. Are you good at playing Hide and Go Seek? I guess I was as a kid. I'm sure I wouldn't be now. Elephants can't really hide. :^) Do you live in an apartment or a house? A house. Is there a music artist that never ceases to amaze you? As far as truly *amaze* goes, probably Amy Lee. Her voice is just fucking incredible. What is your favorite term of endearment? Probably "love." Or "dear." I dunno. Do you like Twizzlers? NO. They're gross as hell. Do you sneak in candy/soda when you go to the movies? Yeup. Fuck those prices. What was the last song you had on repeat? I adore Ozzy's new "Under The Graveyard" beyond words and so have been binging it like mad since yesterday lmao. Where are your favorite pair of jeans from? I don't have jeans. Do you tap your foot when you listen to music? No. If I respond to it in any voluntary way, I'll most likely be tapping my hand with the beat. Will you get your hair cut anytime soon? I need to, yeah. I hate when my hair starts getting long enough to curl a tad upwards in the back. Are you uncoordinated? VERY. Have you ever listened to Jane’s Addiction? I know and enjoy "Jane Says" and "Been Caught Stealing." What’s the worst thing you’ve ever experienced? Heartbreak. What’s the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen? I dunno, there's a lot. Do you write “Dear Diary” when you write in your diary? I don't have a diary. I don't think I ever did. What is your escape from your problems? Music, playing WoW, stuff like that. Just give me a distraction. Do you watch YouTube videos a lot? Literally every day throughout the day. It's at least background noise. Do you have an embarrassing period story? No, thankfully. Would your life be at risk if someone knew everything about you? No. Is your life at risk? I mean, more than like by disease, some psycho, an accident, shit like that, no? Do you feel safe in your hometown? No. Never did. I miss our house and the childhood memories, but that place was dangerous. Where do you dream of moving to? The mountains of NC. What fascinates you more: outer space or the bottom of the ocean? Space. Have you ever seen a UFO? I guess by the definition of "unidentified flying object," yes, but I think it was some sort of natural phenomenon with a star, not an alien. Maybe. Does anyone encourage you to go after your dreams? Yeah. :') What is the stupidest thing anyone’s ever said to you? "i'Ll AlWaYs LoVe YoU, bRiTtAnY!" What’s the most amount of weight you’ve gained from a medication? LET'S. FUCKING. NOT. Do you name inanimate objects? No. What do you think the constellations mean? "Nothing? Just humanity reaching to ascribe some type of meaningfulness to the world around them." <<<< This, I like this. Did you like the venue your senior prom was held at? I mean it was at the local college's gym. Nothing special. Which spelling do you like best: Hayley, Hailey, or Haley? Hm, I think "Hailey." Which name is better: Hailey, Bailey, Kailey, or Shailey? Ummmmm I think "Kailey." Are you mad at someone? I'm always going to be mad to a degree. Do you feel like your life was stolen from you? I guess in a way by mental illness? Do you have a professional camera? Yeah. What would you change about your hair? Ugh, I want to COLOR it. I really want silver hair atm. When was the last time you changed your hairstyle? Last year. Do you like rose gold? I love it. What’s your favorite color gummy bear? I don't... care? Oh wait, maybe green. Those normally have an apple kinda feel, right? Or do they all thaste the same? What is the sexiest part of the opposite sex’s body? I like s h o u l d e r b l a d e s. Have you ever made up/sang a song for someone you cared about? Only ever poems. Ever had a song sang about/for you? I mean, I've had like songs /dedicated/ to me, but never actually made for me specifically. What is your middle name? Marie. Like every other white girl known to man. What do you smell like? My house, I guess? Ever hurt yourself playing Wii? I don't believe so. Do you have freckles? Not on my face, but random ones on the rest of my body, yeah. Can you do the alphabet in sign language? No. Do you like your feet? I seriously hate feet. That includes mine. What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever had in your mouth? uhhhhhhhhh Has anyone ever threatened you with a knife? No. (If you’re a girl) Has anyone ever called you "shorty" instead of "girl"? Ugh no, thank Christ. Have you ever sent an embarrassing moment of yours into a mag to be printed? No. What IS your most embarrassing moment? I've told it before but now I don't remember it??? What’s the last thing to make you scream? Like a small, quick one, I think a loud noise scared me. I've been extremely sensitive to those lately and idk why??? Do your parents knock before coming in, or just barge on in? My door's never really closed, but when it is, Mom doesn't. Dad does. Do you think you’re more cute or sexy? BOY neither. Do you own any mini skirts? Bitch I wish I could wear mini skirts but I would blind people with my body rn. Do you draw little hearts and stuff with eyeliner next to your eyes? Nah. What’s the most expensive thing you’ve ever lost? Good question, idk. Has your mom ever lied to you? Yeah. Do you have a deep voice? It's definitely deep for a girl, but it's not like, manly. When’s the last time someone made breakfast for you? I guess the last time I was out for breakfast? Idr. When someone knocks on the door, who do you think it is? A mailman/woman. No one else comes here unexpectedly. Has anyone ever licked your foot? UM NO Do you play games with boys/girls, like "hard to get"? I never did and never will. I'm definitely not easy, but I don't play games. Oh wait, unless we're already a serious couple and I'm sexually being a tease. Hobby. When’s the last time someone told you they were in love with you? Some time back. Is there a Sonic where you live? mmmmmmmmmMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM- Do you smile with your teeth? Usually. What do you like on your pizza? Pepperoni, jalapenos, sausage... stuff like that. I'm WEAK for meat lovers pizza sobs heavily in wanna-be vegetarian Do you know anyone who lives in Newfoundland? No. How ‘bout Alberta? No. Anyone in Canada at all? Yeah, a friend's ex. She's cool. If you could trade houses with a friend, who would it be? I wouldn't damn anyone with this house, lol. I mean it's not bad, it just has its issues. Are you a good person to come to for advice? It depends on the subject we're talkin' here. Do you sleep naked? No. I'd feel so vulnerable. Favorite place you've been: Through the NC mountains. Which of your Facebook friends lives closest to you? UHHHHHHHHH how do I not know this?? When was the last time you cried? Idr, actually. Who took your profile pic? Where? What’s your favorite season? Autumn. What was the last book you read? The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood. Fucking read it. Are you a good influence? This also depends on the area of focus. Does pineapple belong on pizza? NO. Sweet and savory do noooot mix in my world.

[lost-monkey]

Come on, Eileen

Day started off ok, had my yogurt and granola and then went to the gym. It wasn't too busy since it's a monday, I like it so much better when it's the weekdays since a lot of people are working. Got a good workout in, then came home to quickly pack leftovers from Thanksgiving for lunch, got ready for work, then left. Luckily the snow we were supposed to get never came, but at the same time I kinda wish it did.

Work sucked because a lot of people called out and in my area almost nothing got done, no shocker there. Me and my friend Ellie (who is technically my boss) have a new saying for the first shift - disappointed, but no surprised. Because literally every day the past couple months we can't get done what we need to because they slack and never get talked to about it. It's hard not to care because I do, probably too much. Someone called out in the deli, so ellie and I had to go over to cover lunches. It wasn't too busy, but trying to serve customers while also trying to fry food isn't the easiest.

After lunch ellie got pulled to go up front, yet another reason why we can't get stuff done. She had to cover a lunch for customer service which isn't even our area at all. After our last break ellie got pulled AGAIN to do online orders. You see the trend here and why we can never get anything done? I didn't even mention something else I almost forgot. The only other person that was supposed to come in and work with us called off. He does all the time, it's not uncommon but it's like seriously can you just not??

When ellie got pulled for the last time I just mentioned, I was working and trying to get everything we needed to do which is donating any out of date food and marking down any food going out of date tomorrow. I was feeling bummed because I had to do it all myself and I wished I had someone to talk to, it makes it go by so much quicker.

Just then a song comes on. "Come on Eileen" from the perks of being a wallflower movie! It instantly made me feel less alone, that movie is one of my favorites and it reminds me of my best friend @hrub 😊 Its so weird they played it out of nowhere because lately they've been playing Christmas music back to back. I really needed that song and it helped get me through the rest of my shift.

After work I saw this new Starbucks creamer, it's white chocolate mocha! I love trying new coffee creamers, but it's kind of expensive - like $5. To me that's expensive lol. Well Mike decided to buy it for me, so sweet. We're going to try it tomorrow morning, I bet it's amazing. Dinner is almost ready now, I'm going to eat that and watch this anime we've been watching "made in abyss" it's pretty cool. I hope this wasn't too long, but just wanted to get out my shitty day.

[sapphic-kid-blog]

the truth is.

Angela Salmeron

Imagine you’re me. You’re twelve and you’re at a family reunion. Family members sitting around you with Wisconsin-made beer turn from the Brewers game on the television and resort to the one question that you’ve been practicing how to answer in your head: “How’s school?” And truthfully, you’re not sure. So perhaps you respond: “It’s fine.” They nod their heads and you think you’re in the clear. But then they ask you: “What are you learning?” And before you know it they’re tacking on the end: “Any cute boys?”

Now I’m sure it varies from family to family, and I’m sure the questions vary in more or less intrusive. Maybe it was never asked, and maybe it was a family friend and not an uncle or cousin. Maybe it was asked but not directly, or enforced another way. But one question for me, stood tall and it stood out among the rest. 

My brain was no longer thinking about what we talked about in Social Studies or the book we read in English. It was no longer thinking about the new formula we learned in Math, or the cycle of the ecosystem in Science. It was thinking about one thing, and the one thing that I had no idea how to talk about: romantic intimacy. 

From the time I got my period at the end of 6th grade, to the time I finished high school, and even sometimes now, I thought I was the odd one out or the only one who wasn’t experiencing romantic intimacy the way others would. Not kissing or hand holding but even things as simple as a crush. 

What I felt was embarrassment. 

Firstly, I never really had crushes or really knew what they were. Friendships in a way felt like crushes to me, and when I had no idea what romantic or sexual intimacy was, I felt confused. So then, I stopped introspecting and I started observing. 

The romantic relationships I saw were comprised of these aspects: wanting to be around a person, telling that person that you didn’t just like them but you like-liked them, and then saying that you now were exclusively partners or “dating”. 

Most importantly: not only were those girls, who were mostly my friends, doing this but they were, as I noticed, only doing this with boys. 

I followed suit. 

Come the first day of band camp — set in a gym at one of the two middle schools in my small, conservative city. With my clarinet in hand, I watched as other girls talked about boys from different schools. I watched as they giggled and flocked in groups to discuss which ones they’d be excited to see in the starting 6th grade class coming up in a few months. 

I saw the first tall boy, who was decently good looking, and told the girls around me: “He’s cute.”  One of the girls turned to me and said, “That’s (let’s call him) Snazzlepants and there’s his twin, (and he’ll be) Fizzywizzy.” Quickly, I acted as though I was still not only interested, but now blown away by the look of this gangly preteen walking amongst the group of kids. 

This was when everything I knew about myself would be different. 

Luckily when the beginning of September rolled around, this boy was in my 6th grade house, also known as the set of students I’d be sharing a side of the middle school with. So as I eventually made friends, the more I had to absolutely drop the fact that I had a crush on a boy. I had to tell them that maybe it would happen between us because one time, I saw him looking at me (wasn’t true) and one time we brushed hands (definitely wasn’t true). They’d be dazzled, awe in their eyes, and I didn’t feel embarrassed, I felt included and important. 

The more twisted I became in this lie, the more I had to not only convince others around me, but I had to convince myself. Not even the bullying from his friends after they all found out would stop me from speaking my lie aloud to anyone who wanted to hear it. 

I spent the days either convincing myself and others that I absolutely loved him or crying because his friends would call me ugly or stupid and annoying over a lie that I was choosing to spread. But it was better than the alternative, of being singled out and feeling as though I was the only one who felt differently than the rest; it was better than admitting a lie. 

This is the first time in my life I felt like I would rather die.

Growing up in my small city of West Bend, Wisconsin, was strange. The town as I knew it was mostly white and definitely a majority, conservative white. There weren’t many people who looked like my dad, dark-skinned, and Spanish speaking, and there weren’t many people growing up around me that I knew who were part of the queer community. But my family, especially my mom, were active in the Democrat party and sticking up for civil rights. I was lucky, I suppose in a lot of aspects to know that if I ever were to come out as anything other than cis and heterosexual, I would not be living on the streets. 

However, being surrounded by a lot of religious friends, spewing the words of their parents, I quickly found out that not everyone was lucky the way I was. I found out that even though my parents taught me, gay was okay, not everyone felt the same. And not only did they not feel the same, they would hate someone specifically because they were queer identifying. 

I traumatized myself with movies like Brokeback Mountain and Boys Don’t Cry, thinking if I too were to express myself that way, I would meet a violent end. The media told me, I would be hated if I were like them, made me believe that I would find the same fate. It was an ending worse than being alone. 

Loving who I wanted to love, because of where I lived, was not an option. It was not even questioned as an option. And even though I hated myself, for telling a lie, for having to deal with the many shitty aspects of that lie, I would continue to tell that lie.

Moving on, I continued to have so-called “crushes” on boys. I continued to force myself into situations that I was uncomfortable in because I wanted to seem normal, and I wanted to seem like there was nothing gay about me. And so, the lie festered. 

I ignored signs of my queerness, and forgot them or didn’t realize what they were. Stealing my dad’s PlayBoys, hiding them under my bed, searching “girls kissing” on YouTube, watching exclusively Lesbian porn only meant I was exploring other options, and though the only option that appealed to me was women, still, it didn’t have to mean I wasn’t straight. Maybe it wasn’t as complex or scary as my thoughts were telling me. So I told myself, it didn’t matter because I could choose. I chose heteronormativity. 

When it came to high school and crushes in a more traditional sense, dating and going to dances, losing one’s virginity, I became angry. Not because I wasn’t doing it but because if I wanted to do it, I’d have to do it with a guy so to perpetuate the lie. 

Getting rid of the last guy, I had moved on to another: one of my best friend’s boyfriends (who’re still dating). This had become a new trend since the stages after my first “crush”; only liking boys that your close friends liked. And I remember so clearly, stepping on so many toes, making so many of my friend’s angry, and pissed off at me. I remember desperately wanting attention, not just from boys but from anybody because I was so sad, and I didn’t know why. 

This was the second time in my life that I wanted to die. 

Now my journal is filled with pictures of prescription bottles, bleeding wrists, and rants about how I just wanted to go away. How I was so angry to be able to breathe rhythmically and have a working heart with a steady beat, mocking me and reminding me that I was alive and I had this pain inside of me that seemed to have no real source. 

When I read back on my words, I am quite literally stunned by the anger, the hatred, and the wish for a violent death. 

I was 18 when I realized what was different. 

One of the first notable girls I had feelings for, changed literally everything. My life, my experiences in childhood, my views about myself, and so many more aspects of my personal life were all ultimately flipped upside down. I knew that this had to be what I was missing in all those years, even if I was still afraid to say it, or even think it. Up until now, romance had been dramatic, painful, gestures had been grand and demanding, and thoughts had been intrusive and obsessive. But now, romance was soft. It was gentle and uplifting, it was simple and it felt so much more palatable. Until I broke up with her on New Year’s Eve because I still just wasn’t gay— nope, not for me. 

And then, I fell in love for the first time. I loved her voice, her eyes; I loved the way that she said my name. I loved her jokes and the way she made me laugh. I loved that no matter what, everything was comfortable with her. For the first time, I pictured myself in the future, being with someone and being happy. 

Finally, I was able to admit to myself: yes, I love women, and the floodgates opened. 

After my girlfriend and I broke up, I dated handfuls of girls (most of which, never lasted longer than a month) because still, intimacy was such an issue. Maybe, it wasn’t that I liked girls but maybe it was certain girls. Or maybe, I wasn’t pansexual, bisexual, queer, lesbian, or whatever I was identifying at the time, perhaps, I was straight and I just experimenting. It could be possible, I’d never know and maybe, just maybe, this confusion would always be there, no matter what I did. 

I was tired; so tired of not knowing, and I just wanted answers. 

There’s something funny about being a gay woman, that isn’t funny at all. It’s the fear of what your life would be like without men— it’s the shame of imagining what you’d feel without the demanding presence of men. It’s the lie that you can only be serious in relationships with men, have children with men, and your life and everything you know to be true, revolves around men. I couldn't picture myself loving women, without also loving men. 

But someone else could. 

My sister has always been a huge presence in my life. And one day we’d just happen to be feeling the single life, so the conversation between us starts with: “We’ll be alone forever, haha.”

What was so different about this conversation was her so sure statement to me that I’d definitely have a wife. 

I turned to her and paused before asking, “Can you even picture me with a man? Or marrying a man?”

Her response, so simple and so true, was: “Nope.” 

Identifying as a Lesbian, now more than ever, feels so right to me. It feels like an identity in which I belong to. It’s a part of me that I’m proud of and it’s a part of me that I can’t change, no matter how much I lie to myself. It’s a part of me I never realized was there until years and years of thinking there was something wrong with me. I am proud to love women. I am proud to have a woman in my life to love. I am proud of the relationship that gives me hope for the future. And I’m proud of other gay relationships that make me feel a sense of belonging and solidarity. 

Of course, there are still struggles: the question if I’m gay enough to have my sexuality be validated, if other people can sense I’m gay, if I’ll be safe, secure, and happy. And there definitely still are some shameful doubts, some questions which make me wonder if some people in my life who know I’m gay, resent me for it. I wonder if there are people in my family, who know, and are too afraid of me to express not only tolerance but support. I wonder if there are some who wouldn’t come to my wedding. 

In the end, I sometimes wonder if it’s all worth it. 

And then I hear powerful and inspiring stories from other members of the queer community, I see their faces shining for me and people like me to be represented. 

And then I remember seeing my uncles love each other so endlessly.

And then I hear her voice, and know without a fraction of a doubt that it’s worth it.