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lunarticxenia · 3 years ago

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Moon Signs Pt. 2

Hi guys here’s part 2 of the moon sign series! After I post this, I’m going to be focusing more on answering your questions, I have a lot to answer. Thanks so much for all the support! Without further ado, here’s Libra through Pisces moons!

🌵Libra Moon: You guys LOVE attention, and you don’t even try to hide it LMAO. One of my good friends is a Libra moon and he literally loves to say outlandish things just to get a reaction from us and to get attention from us if we’re not talking to him enough in a conversation. Libra moons also love relationships and if underdeveloped they may feel incomplete without one. They can also be very dependent on their partner for happiness as well. However, they are romantic and in love with love. They’re also extremely sensitive and are very feminine. Even in men, it gives them a more feminine touch to their personality. They also hold their morals in very high regard. They have their set morals and won’t change them for anything or anyone. They also tend to hate conflict and usually shy away from confrontation. They’re also too nice, WAYYYYYY too nice. You guys need to be more assertive LMAO. They’re also extremely optimistic and if they don’t believe in that particular way they at least try to be optimistic with others. They’re always reminding you the glass is half full. Also, Libra moons are mad clingy. Even with those they’re not dating LMAO. My Libra moon friend whenever I try to leave the FaceTime Call, he’s like “Don’t go... :(”. They just love to be around the ones they love. They’re also in love with beauty, and all things beautiful in the world. They’re lovers of music, art, film, and literature. Libra moons also have a softness in their eyes, I can’t describe it. This girl I used to like has a Libra moon and her eyes were just so soft. They’re also extremely indecisive, they tend to flip flop between who they wanna be and what they wanna do. They also aren’t shy when it comes to compliments, they will compliment TF out of you. They’re the best hype man. They also put others before themselves a lot, and can be very shy upon first meeting them. However once they feel comfortable around you they open up. One last thing, I feel like they tend to like anyone who’s nice to them...don’t attack me. LMAO.

🌵Scorpio Moon: I feel like Scorpio moons have about ten different playlists relating to their emotions and still won’t open up to anyone about how they feel. Scorpio moons I feel have such intense emotions that they just don’t deal with them and they tend to implode after a while. I relate to them a lot in that respect tbh with my Sun square Moon, because that’s how I am. You guys are also super passionate and super creative. Every Scorpio moon I’ve met has been really creative in some way whether it be makeup, fashion style, or artwork. I’ve also noticed that this is a very alluring placement, there’s this intriguing way about them, and like Aries Moons, they have a fire in their eyes. Their gaze is INTENSE. They’re also very selective with who they let close to them, they don’t let just anybody in. They’re also very good at reading other people and seeing people’s true intentions. They have an extremely good intuition. If underdeveloped this can be used to manipulate other people, as well as being compulsive liars. Scorpio moons are also very protective over the ones they love. If you mess with anyone they care about, they will kill you. End of story. Also I feel like every Scorpio moon I’ve met has been through the wringer, like they’ve really had some hard experiences, it’s so sad to me. Scorpio moons are also extremely stubborn, remember this is a fixed sign. Scorpio moons ain’t playing, once they’ve settled on something, they’re not budging. Also, can we just say, masters at investigating people. These are the friends you want stalking your ex’s social media. They will find out everything. They’re also really good psychologists as well, almost all the Scorpio moons I’ve met are actually Psychology majors LMAO. They’re very good at finding the root causes of people’s issues. I also feel like Scorpio moons undergo a lot of transformations in their lives. I’ve known a Scorpio moon for about 10 years now and he’s undergone so many different transformations in his life. Mentally and physically. They’re also extremely sarcastic and have a tendency to be pessimistic. They’re also mad scary when angry. I’ve seen them angry before, as an Aries moon, even I get a little scared.... love y’all tho.

🌵Sagittarius Moon: The funniest people ever. Sagittarius moons always have me laughing my ass off. Their sense of humor is very diverse. They tend to stick with sarcasm and like to say outlandish things to make people laugh. Also, I feel like Sagittarius moons tend to go for science/math oriented careers or at least have an interest in those subjects. I know four Sag moons, and they’re all in STEM it’s actually crazy. They’re also extremely blunt and honest, especially when it comes to people they don’t like LMAO. They make it very clear when they don’t like someone, it’s so funny. They’re also just so much fun, like they’re genuinely so much fun to hang out with. I feel like I’ve never not had a good time hanging out with a Sagittarius moon. I feel like Sag moons however tend to struggle with asserting themselves a lot of times, until they get really fed up. They’re very much go with the flow kinda people, and this can be to their detriment especially with the ones they love, they don’t wanna rock the boat. However, they also make really good mediators and are good at settling arguments. They also really like to travel, and likely have traveled a lot. All the Sagittarius moons I know have traveled to at least 4+ countries. They love traveling the world, and I’ve also noticed move or want to move far away from their childhood home. They wanna explore everything the world has to offer. My cousin who’s a Sag moon left her parents’ house to move a few states away and my other friend who’s a Sag moon wants to move to the other side of the country. These individuals also tend to like foreign culture as well. I’ve noticed Sagittarius moons tend to like foreign music or foreign tv shows. I feel like they also tend to ignore their emotions when they get sad and just don’t like to deal with their emotions. They also don’t like to talk about how they feel and will brush sad things off because it’s just too upsetting for them. However, once the emotions boil over, just like their anger, they will blow up LMAO. I’ve also noticed that they’re really good at teaching people things? Like my Sag moon friend explained this Chemistry equation to me I couldn’t understand and I got it after 10 minutes. Natural teachers.

🌵 Capricorn Moon: Guys, it’s okay to open up. You don’t have to pretend to be so strong all the time, you’re not weak for showing your emotions. Anyway, Cap moons have high expectations for people, and will not tolerate any bs from people. I seriously commend them for that. I feel like Cap moons struggle with how their points are being expressed, they can say one thing, but it’s seen as something else. While Capricorn moons may struggle with expressing their emotions, I haven’t found them to be closed off or cold when meeting them. Every Capricorn moon I’ve met has warmed up to me very quickly and have been super nice. I feel like they’re very friendly and once they have a conversation with you they’re really warm and kind. Also, they’re not afraid of anything?? Except for showing their feelings maybe. But like, they’re so open to trying new things like scary rollercoasters and aren’t afraid to fight for themselves if they have to. Also, super fucking ambitious. I wish I could be ambitious. These people will really have like three jobs, be in school, and tend to household responsibilities. I don’t know how you guys do it. Now everyone says Capricorn moons are just analytical and systematic when confronted with conflict, and I personally haven’t found that to be true. If they feel wronged?? Nah. They’re not going to be systematic or logical or anything. They will go off. As for personal challenges, yes they’ll be more analytical. But I feel like everyone boils down Cap moons to emotionless and machine-like nerds, which I find to be very untrue. Capricorn moons are very soft once they’re vulnerable with you, and genuinely feel like they’re bothering people when they show their emotions and feel weak for showing them. Also I’ve noticed that their mom is a big motivator for their success. Their moms always push them to do their best in work and school. If poorly aspected, they could feel too pressured by their moms to do well. Also, they’re so underrated for being funny. They have a really dry sense of humor and it’s well developed. I also feel like they get overlooked for putting others before themselves, when it comes to the people they love they’ll do anything for them. Brb gonna go give my Cap moon friends a hug.

🌵Aquarius Moon: You guys are just so unique. There’s something unique about each and every Aquarius moon, whether it’s a quirk or a hobby. These people are literally the best to talk to. It’s so easy to have a conversation with them, they really can talk about anything. I’ve also noticed that Aquarius moons tend to be interested in astrology and tarot and things of that kind. Every Aquarius moon I’ve met has been really interested in it, and even involved in it. I feel like they also have big dreams, and have big plans for themselves. Aquarius moons also love to get lost in their music and tend to use it as an escape. This can be a problem because they tend to avoid dealing with their feelings. They also go between reacting to things really heavily vs not reacting at all. It just seems like it goes back and forth. They speak up with things are unjust however only to their friends or online. They just don’t like to deal with face to face conflict in that regard. They also give really great advice. My best friend is an Aquarius moon and she always gives me the best advice. She knows me better than I know myself tbh. I feel like Aquarius moons relish in being unique LMAO. I’m 99% sure they had an “I’m not like other girls” phase. I feel like this placement always tends to space out and daydream a lot. They also aren’t the types to just lash out at people, their anger is more subtle (unless they have other placements of course). I feel like Aquarius moons also have a lot of friends but they tend to have a small group of friends that they tend to be super super close with. They’re also...really charming? I don’t know what it is, but like every single one I’ve met has been really charming and likable. They also have a really goofy sense of humor and love to do wild shit to make people laugh. I feel like some downsides of Aquarius moons are that they tend to be too analytical and rationalize things too much, and they inadvertently invalidate other people’s feelings. Aquarius moons are also super open minded to all opinions. I have a friend who I tend to disagree with on certain issues but they’ve always been open to hearing my opinion. They also love to travel too. I’ve noticed that as well.

🌵Pisces Moon: To think, I was almost one of you guys. No seriously I almost was, if I were born four hours earlier I would’ve been a Pisces moon LMAO. Anyhoo, Pisces moons are just so sweet. I don’t know how else to start, they literally are the sweetest people and give off this mystical type of aura. They’re very otherworldly. Also, these people daydream 24/7. They put Aquarius moons to shame in daydreaming. This girl I like is a Pisces moon and I always catch her daydreaming LMAO. They’re also extremely sensitive too and feel things so deeply. They try to hide how they feel from people, but you can see it in their eyes. I can always tell when my Pisces moon friend is upset just by the look in her eyes. They also tend to be introverted and it takes a while for them to warm up to someone. My co-worker is a Pisces moon and it took 2 weeks for her to finally start talking to me LMAO. They also have really vivid and wild dreams too. I feel like my Pisces moon friend is always telling me about some wild dream they had like that they were in a castle or in an ocean. They also can be really moody, they can be fine one second and then get really sad out of nowhere. Their emotions are like the ocean. I feel like another downside of Pisces Moons are that they can be very manipulative however this is really with any underdeveloped water moon/sun placement. I also feel like they tend to be escapists a lot. They don’t like to deal with reality a lot, and they see the best in everything and everyone even if it’s to their demise. They’re also super friendly and are nice to everyone they meet, even if they’re reserved they’re still very sweet. They’re also extremely creative too, I feel like every Pisces moon I’ve ever met has some sort of creative hobby. My co-worker who’s a Pisces moon is working on becoming a photographer and her stuff is AMAZING. I think that’s because they see the best in the world and the beauty in everything; and they know how to show that in their work so others can see the world like they do. They’re also super empathetic and are really good listeners. You can talk to them about anything and feel understood. :)

So this wraps up my moon sign series! I hope you guys liked it! Again, don’t take offense these are just my opinions on each moon sign! Hope you guys enjoyed, and if you don’t see your moon sign here it’s likely in part one.

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haitanizzz · 3 years ago

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hello since you guys are a new blog i wanted to request. Can i have separate headcanons of mikey, the kawata twins, baji and mitsuya with a male s/o who takes the dominant role in the relationship. Hes also a really badass fighter and has a really scary reputation thats makes people afraid of him but is really chill and more like a himbo.

omg tysm for requesting!! we did our best since this is our first request, we hope you like it♡

characters: mikey, souya, mitsuya, nahoya, baji x male reader (2nd pov)

cw: slight violence, pure fluff tbh, spelling errors

L: mikey, souya, mitsuya

F: nahoya, baji

mikey:

mikey would be the one who wants to be pampered by you all the time. always asking for piggy-back rides/asking you to carry him, basically clinging to you everytime he’s with you. you're basically the new draken once you start dating lmao he isn’t scared of pda at all so expect a lot of that too especially when you’re the one being intimate in public. he’s not the type to get embarrassed easily but when it’s with you..oh boy..just grab his wrist and pull him into a hug and he’s already red as hell (the others will tease him if they see you especially draken and baji). he likes how intimidating you're to other people but also gets jealous when you get way too much attention lol if anyone looks at mikey in a bad way you just glare at them and they're already walking away in fear. loves it when you take him out to eat to your fav place and actually falls asleep on you. everyone in the gang who doesn't know you is actually really scared of you but it changes once you brought food to a meeting. (everyone loved it)

he thinks you're really cool when you fight and actually looks up to you in a way. when he sees you fighting it gives him so much energy that he's next to you in a second throwing punches as well. he loves it when after a fight with another gang you're all over him checking him for any injuries and taking care of him if he got hurt. (he deserves all the love tbh:(<3) he will fake being hurt just to be carried.

souya:

i think he's a very shy person when he's with you especially at the beginning of your relationship. the same as mikey, he's the youngest sibling and he loves to be pampered but doesn't really show it. grab his hand in public and he's gonna be a shy blabbering mess, he doesn't know where to look or what to say he's so embarrassed😭 nahoya will make fun of him if he catches you two and souya's face gets even more red if that's possible and since he's too shy to hold hands he just follows you around like a puppy or just holds your pinkie. your reputation comes in handy since i feel like he's not really a social person and hates being at the center of attention, so people usually stay away from you.

he absolutely adores how strong you're and thinks you're amazing and would love to have you teach him some moves! secretly loves it but pretends to be annoyed when you just show up at his house and take him for a ride not taking no as an answer. hug him from behind when you're in private and he will melt.

mitsuya:

now for the love of god please take this boy to your house at the weekends for a day long cuddling session cuz he needs. a. break. don't get me wrong he loves his sisters more than anything but he really needs someone to look after him too. (and that's why you're here) loves to go shopping with you for fabrics and going out to eat to a nearby restaurant that you choose everytime. not gonna lie he was scared shitless when he first met you but that image of you quickly shattered when you used a corny pick-up line on him when he bumped into you and yeah you've been dating ever since lmao the first time he took you home his sisters were hiding at his legs and the next second you showed them the stuffed toys you bought them they were all over you. luna and mana loves you sm tbh you always bring them candy (without mitsuya knowing ofc) and they just love the headpats you give them. once he was in the kitchen preparing dinner for you guys (you were sleeping over) and found you and his sisters on top of you sleeping on the floor, he took a polaroid of you and has it hanged up in his room.

he loves how you're more than capable of protecting yourself and actually wants you to teach him so he can get stronger. even though he knows you're strong he still worries but when you just flash him your stupid smile it all goes away. (he also blushed but looked away.)

nahoya:

i just know he would show you off to everyone. he's so proud of you and he wants everyone to know how amazing you are:( also i feel like he would use you to treathen people?? "do you have any idea who my boyfriend is? don't make me tell him to-" you would have to cover his mouth in embrassement and apologize to the poor guy who accidentally bumped into smiley and made him fall. i like to imagine that he's clingy as hell, especially when you're around others. you can't get him off of you because he constantly wants to hold your hands, ask for headpats maybe even climb on your back and clinge to you like a koala. (please do give him headpats he will melt on the spot). he just wants to show off his love for you to the others:(

his poor brother was literally shitting his pants when you first joined the gang, meanwhile nahoya was basically all over you, asking things like "where did you learn to fight?","can you teach me some moves??", basically smiley being the social butterfly he is.

he's overall so so proud of you and looks up at you so much. he loves how you're independent and that you can protect yourself and others, it makes him feel at ease!

baji:

to be honest he didn't like you at the start when he met you. he imagined you as a person full of himself because he's stronger than others. he was really avoidant of you, maybe even suspicious that you want something from the gang. but when he saw you play with some kittens at his usual spot where he was feeding the stray cats?? oh boy that man literally fell in love with you, he just didn't want to admit it yet. from that day you two would usually go and hang out around that spot, just talking about meaninlgess things and playing with the kittens. and when you planned a cat cafe date with him as your first one, he never thought he can fall even harder for you.

i like to imagine that when baji does something stupid the gang is calling you immediately, half of them already has your number saved just in case 💀. he hates to admit it but he loves pda, he's just too shy to ask for it and likes to play the though guy. but when you take his hand in your's around the others?? he would be a stuttering and blushing mess.

he thinks you're the coolest person he ever met, even if he had his doubts in the beginning. you're like his role model, he always tells you how you take out the best of him. i feel like he has a hard time showing his emotions, but he loves you and is really proud of you!:)

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deidearly · 3 years ago

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Well, since your requests are open, may I request sasuke relationship headcanons? 🥺👉👈

Your writing is lovely (as always 😌), I wish you luck! 😘

A/N: Hehe *scratches head* sorry for taking such a long time to do this one. Anyway, hope you love it! <3

Sasuke Relationship Headcanons

Talking about relationships, things just… sort of happened with Sasuke, I guess? You’ve always tried to help him and stay by his side, in a rational way (and that’s probably what Sasuke likes about you so he doesn’t mind having you around), and then suddenly you’re together.

He definitely didn’t say “I love you, let’s date” explicitly, but you’ve always remembered the time when he was badly injured and you rushed to help him. It was written all over your face that you were worried and that’s the moment when he realized that he loves you.

“I want you to stay by my side, forever.”

At first, Sasuke was really, really bad at talking his feelings out and he didn’t know how to express himself especially when it comes to affection. Instead of rushing it, you were so patient at guiding him and he slowly began to show you some adorable gestures.

His love language is probably an act of service.

If you were tagging along with him on a mission, he WOULDN’T let you carry any heavy belongings.

You were OFFENDED at first because you’re definitely strong enough but he kept treating you like you’re weak. But eventually, you begin to understand that he doesn’t mean to underestimate you or anything, this is just how he shows his affection.

On the contrary, this doesn’t apply on a battlefield

Sasuke is very much aware of how powerful you actually are. So in a battle, he’d let you do what you need to do.

He LOVES watching you fight!

He’d try his best to HIDE HIS SMILE (he’s so proud of you, for real). When he’s blown away he just couldn’t help but let out a chuckle.

“What is it, Sasuke?” , “Nothing. *pretends to cough*”

Since his love language would be an act of service, when you’re not on a mission and just stay at home, he’d love it if you let him help you cook!

He weirdly likes cutting the ingredients, takes a lot of time with it, too.

“You don’t have to cut the tomatoes into a perfect square—” , “But the recipe says… diced tomatoes.”

It’s been a long time since someone cooks for him, so if you ever prepare his favorite dish, he’d tear up, tbh.

Internally, of course.

Moving on, he would be the type of partner that’s VERY HARD to entertain. You’d eventually learn that the only thing that would make him laugh is when an enemy is getting their butts’ kicked by you. Nothing else would bring him so much happiness than seeing you being a complete badass.

It’s so hard for you to make him laugh. But, on the other hand, it’s pretty easy for you to laugh at things he does or says since it’s painfully hilarious how LITERAL he would be.

“How do you think this man drowned, Sasuke?” , “I believe because he couldn’t breathe underwater, Y/N.”

He wasn’t joking.

Or was he being sarcastic?

You honestly couldn’t tell.

Anyway, the other person who would find this funny is the one and only; Uzumaki Naruto.

You’d get along with Naruto. I honestly couldn’t see you’re not friends with him when you’re in a relationship with Sasuke. Because as much as you hate to admit this, Naruto would often tag along on your missions with Sasuke. Be it his clones or his real-self, Naruto would BE THERE.

But Naruto would help you to understand Sasuke more so you don’t mind having him around.

There’s one thing that irks you, though.

Sasuke would turn VERY COLD when there is another person around.

He’s very, very shy about being in a relationship with you (not in a bad way). He’s just so embarrassed by the idea of people seeing him in love. Even though most people don’t really care about this soft side of Sasuke, he wouldn’t even try to look you in the eyes for more than ten seconds if someone’s watching.

This would actually kill him internally because let’s not lie, he’s VERY MUCH affection-starved.

So, no. Don’t expect anything, even the tiniest romantic gesture, when you’re not alone together.

And this brings us to: what would happen if you’re finally together with Sasuke?

Oh, boy.

It would first happen in the kitchen. Usually he would try to help you wash the dishes. But this time, he’d try, to brush his hand on yours.

Many suspicious gestures, really— like trying to lean closer to your neck and his hot breath would send shivers down to your body.

Then, he’d hesitantly grab your shoulders from the back and slowly massaging you. “Rough day?” he’d ask. Surprised by his action, you replied, “Not really. How about you?”

“Could be better— if you, I mean, us, could… go upstairs and, you know?”

He’d be very, very shy (almost like he’s in denial) when it comes to physical affection. Just a single touch from you could really turn his cheeks red— so, you really need to be slow with him.

Sasuke really loves resting his head on your laps while you play with his hair lovingly. He’d listen to you talking while closing his eyes, enjoying how comfortable your touch is. Of course, he doesn’t mind when your fingers begin to trail down on his face— caressing his skin.

If you’re lucky enough you could see his lips slowly parted when you touch him as he let out a heavy sigh (this is heavenly to watch).

Please, treasure this sweet moments with Sasuke a lot because he really just wants to spend a lot of time with you alone!

#sasuke #naruto #uchiha sasuke #sasuke uchiha #sasuke headcanons #naruto headcanons #headcanons #sasuke x reader #sasuke x y/n

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yoonpobs · 4 years ago

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bad boy good thing x.

pairing: jeon jungkook x oc

genre: angst, smut, fluff, miscommunication (we hate her lol), pining

warnings: smut, jungkook is really an asshole, the angst hurts a lot tbh, unhealthy relationships (?)

words: 8, 711

summary: a series of drabbles where you're confused and jungkook's confusing

a/n:

so here is the mini monster chap !! i know I said this was going to be a drabble series but I clearly got carried away LOL

anyways, no spoilers for this chap but I can say it's one of my favs that I've written and I think we see oc getting the comfort that she deserves (and needs!)

and also !! this is my first time updating a series on tumblr and it feels *exciting* hehe, I hope you enjoy this chapter c:

let me know your thoughts in my asks!! i'd love to hear what you think so far :3

all the love and I hope you're having a great

day/night/evening/afternoon wherever you are ❤️

“Open up!”

The only person that would opt to yell to get your attention than ring on your doorbell like a normal person would be Yena. And it helped that you immediately recognised her voice from the first syllable she uttered. That and you were currently moping in your living room with lactose-free ice cream, courtesy of Jimin that dropped it off a day ago when he heard that you were ‘sick’. Even if you hadn’t seen him face-to-face, you remember him softly hoping you’d get better.

You don’t know why she’s at your door, but you’re already on your feet to get her when you hear her begin to mutter curses directed at you behind the thin wood of your entrance.

“I can hear you!” You call.

“Well bitch then open the damn door!” She snaps.

You roll your eyes, and so far with the number of times you’ve hung out with her, it’s safe to say that the two of you were comfortable. You never knew how fun having a girl best friend was until you met Yena, and sure it’s only been a little under two weeks since you’ve gotten to know her through various messages and FaceTimes, but you feel like she’s your friend soulmate.

And when you expressed that to her over a FaceTime call a few nights back, you remember her gagging all while you flush and attempt to take it back. You know her candidly calling you bitch rather than your name was her saying she felt the same.

You pull the door open as she stands there with her eyes narrowed into slits, eyeing you up and down before she scrunches her nose.

“There’s a thing called a shower that you should look into. You look like a rundown version of long-haired Noah Beck.” She grimaces when she eyes you up and down.

You scowl. “You did not just compare me to him.”

She clicks her tongue before she shoves you aside by shoving a plastic bag of the takeout food into your arms and steps into your apartment.

Yena ignores the glare you shoot at the back of her neck when she looks around your living room, scrunching her nose like she was here to inspect your room than pay you a visit.

“Did someone die in here or was that just your will to live?”

You scoff. “Wow. Drag me.”

She waves you off before plopping onto your couch while you sigh, immediately heading to the kitchen to prep the food she brought over.

“For a moment I thought you were dead.” She confesses casually.

When you return with bowls and plates, with the cutlery to match—you give her a dry look before you’re taking your seat on the floor; attempting to hide your half-eaten tub of ice cream, which Yena immediately spots.

“So your first instinct was to yell at my door in hopes that I wasn’t actually dead?” You ask dryly.

She picks up your ice cream and grimaces at it, silently judging you for the flavour before she gives you a shrug.

“Yeah. I was hoping that your spirit would confer.”

You snort. “And the food?”

“A peace offering.” She tells you like it’s obvious.

You sigh, you loved Yena—you really did. She was all over the place and random, but it was a refreshing difference that you needed in your life from the usual law and order you often opted for.

“Not that I don’t appreciate your concern,” You tell her, pulling out a container to see your favourite lemon chicken as you eye her suspiciously. “But what brings you here? I told you I was sick.”

Yena scoffs. “And sick you are, bitch. What kind of sick person devours ice cream? Sure, you look the part but your diet says otherwise. Don’t think I didn’t see the empty packet of snickers in the trash.”

You scowl.

“I recovered yesterday.” You lie, taking a bite out of the chicken.

Yena rolls her eyes and you know she doesn’t believe you. She leans into your couch while she watches you eat, “Namjoon texted me that you may need some company.” At that, you choke.

Her eyes widen as you hit at your chest to get the food to go down, eyes still wide at her revelation.

“Why would he do that?” You cry.

“Girl, I know you’re not trying to deflect—you’re literally about to choke and die.”

You glare at her. “I’m fine.” You cough for good measure, then you’re levelling another serious gaze at her.

“I’m fine.” You reiterate with an emphasis on your state even though you were anything but. “I don’t know why the hell he thinks I need company.” You mutter under your breath.

At this, Yena’s face softens as she leans forward to rest her elbows on her knees while you avoid her gaze; idly poking at your food.

“I don’t know either, and you don’t need to tell me anything.” She says softly. “That’s all I’m here for. To be your company, whether you need it or not.”

You don’t know how much Namjoon told her over a text message, but you don’t think it’s much. Purely because he didn’t seem like a snitch and he was too respectful to ever let other people into the business that wasn’t his own. Even at the thought, you want to groan because you essentially lured him into thinking it was okay for him to kiss you while you were … you don’t even know what the fuck was happening anymore.

“I—” You say weakly, and all Yena does is offer you a comforting smile.

For some reason, the fact that she’s here right in front of you after you spent the day crying and feeling like your heart has been repeatedly stomped over with the addition of your rumination—it feels nice to have someone with you, even if it’s just their presence.

But the way she doesn’t look at you and expects something out of your conversation makes you feel even more overwhelmed, and that’s probably why the dam breaks.

Yena’s eyes widen as she immediately darts out to wrap her arms around you when you end up in violent sobs. You don’t know why you’re crying but you are, and you’re tired of hiding things, your feelings and your intent just to pretend like things were okay.

“It’s okay.” She strokes your hair and it feels warm, like a mother comforting a crying baby and you realise that this is what friends should feel like.

“N-no it’s n-not!” You cry into her shirt and it’s messy, but she doesn’t seem like she minds. Especially when she supports your pliable frame.

“You wanna talk about it?” She asks softly, giving you a kind smile.

You sniffle, staring forward as you feel your eyes swell with the escalation of your tears.

“I don’t know.” You whisper.

She hums, “It’s okay not to know. You don’t need to know everything.”

“I’m just so tired, Yena.” You tell her in a hushed breath.

“Life is difficult.” She admits. “It’s natural to be tired.”

You’re thankful to hear that she doesn’t comfort you with blind optimism. She’s real and she acknowledges how shitty things may be, and frankly, you didn’t need another wannabe altruist telling you that things will get better. You knew that, everyone did. But when you’re at rock bottom and all you see is darkness, you’re not looking for better. You’re looking for a reason to continue.

“Can I say something?” She asks. The way she looks at you is soft and open, and non-judgemental. You feel safe.

You nod your head, teary eyes staring up at her.

“You’re not responsible for anyone’s feelings except your own.” She looks at you so seriously that you nearly feel your breath escape. “There are things that you can and cannot control—and the latter usually falls under the people around you.”

You suck in a breath, and you wonder how she’s so spot on without ever touching on the true context.

“Namjoon texted me but I didn’t come here because he asked me to. It’s because you deserve to have someone be around you when you’re clearly not okay.”

“I’m—”

“You’re not.” She blinks, and you almost pout at her firm tone. “And that’s okay. I don’t need to know what happened to justify how you feel. You could’ve stubbed your toe and feel like absolute shit and I have absolutely no right to judge you on how or when you feel emotions.”

You wonder where she’s been your entire life and why she was only in your life now.

“But the thing is,” She sighs. “You don’t always have to choose between something or the other. Sometimes you need to choose yourself.”

You stare up at her in awe because Yena was cool in general, her laidback and unbending personality was mainly what drew you to her because you’d argue you were the opposite. Even if Jungkook’s words stung, you could take it at face value and accept that it was true.

You were uptight and you were a bit of a prude, and for the longest time, you always resented that aspect of you. But you realised with Yena, she had traits that were resented in a woman as well. And you realise that you’d never be perceived the way you want unless you perceive yourself in a positive light first.

So when she speaks to you so sternly, yet with a tone of care as she picks apart her words so carefully—you realise what you have to do.

“I think I like Jungkook.”

Yena pauses for a brief second, but you don’t see any judgement in her face. Just confusion, a warranted emotion you don’t blame her for having.

“I figured as much.”

Your eyes widened, “How—?”

It’s almost like a repeat of the first night at the football game when you befriended each other, but she only shoots you a gentle smile.

“Call it a woman’s intuition.”

You blink, fiddling with your fingers before you stare up at her, continuing your drawls.

“And we kissed.”

At this, Yena cocks an eyebrow up, “Was this recent?”

You fiddle with your thumbs before you sigh and push yourself up.

“Thing is …” You mumble, “I’m not like that.”

You don’t answer her question because you can’t think of a proper enough response to tell her that yeah—you did kiss him, amongst other things that you foolishly allowed yourself to indulge in. You knew Yena wasn’t judgemental but you also knew that you couldn’t retrieve your words the moment they left your mouth. It was your own judgement that stopped you from saying the things you really wanted and it sucked, royally. Because you could tell that Yena wasn’t out here to crucify you for being … liberated. She just wanted to be there for you.

Yena scrunches her eyebrows in confusion as she allows your words to settle, pondering a response.

She settles for a huff, “Care to elaborate?”

“I don’t … do things like that.” You say softly. “I’m shy and quiet. I’m not active in the social sphere and I only have three friends that I can reach out to if I wanna hang out. But even then, I don’t … I don’t like partying, or drinking, or loud spaces. I’m awkward and horrible at social interaction let alone being able to navigate my romantic feelings. And … I felt so bad about it.”

Yena’s eyes soften, but you can’t look at her just yet. Not when this is the first time you’ve ever laid yourself vulnerable, emotionally that is, to someone that wasn’t just the confines of your thoughts.

“I always wondered what it’d like to be confident, to be liked on campus and not just be known as the smart girl.” You whisper. “My entire personality was built around my achievements and I didn’t know what else to do. What if … what if I peak here and fail after?” Your eyes are wide in despair, and you feel your lips quiver when you speak.

“You’ll never know.” Yena reminds you gently. “You won’t know who likes you or what people say about you—but you’re going to be hearing your own thoughts 24/7 and that’s what kicks you down or drives you further.”

You sigh, nodding your head.

“It’s just … Jungkook and I were close. We grew up together even if he’s younger than me. But we just got along well and he … he saw me. He used to comfort me whenever I’d tell him how pressuring it got and—I feel so stupid because he probably says that to everyone and I fell for it.” You chuckle with no emotion, staring at the stray thread poking outside of your couch pillow.

“Have you spoken to him about your feelings?” She asks softly.

Immediately, you scoff and the sour emotion peaks through again.

“He’s made it clear what he wants to hear from me.” You mutter.

Yena purses her lips before resting her hands gently on your shoulder.

“You’re not answering my question, ______.” She chides gently.

You nibble on your bottom lip and shake your head. That earns a sigh from her as she wraps her arms around you once again, resting her chin on your shoulder as you allow yourself to feel the comfort of her warmth.

“He kissed me first and we did things together.” Your lips quiver when you recall the memories, “A-And he’s with Jennie. I just …” You flutter your eyes shut, “I don’t want to say that I’m the other girl but I feel a lot like a second option and it sucks.”

Yena doesn’t ask, and she doesn’t need to. She doesn’t need to justify why you felt the way you did, so she holds you tighter.

“Babe.” She gently turns you to look at her with both hands resting on your shoulders. “Did you talk to him? Properly? Do you really know if he’s with her?”

“I think them kissing proves enough to me.” You snap, and you don’t know why you’re being so hostile, especially to Yena.

She purses her lips, “You kissed him and you aren’t together.”

You wince and she shoots you an apologetic look. She sighs before reaching out to squeeze your hand, all while you stare at the ground to level out your emotions.

“I’m not saying that you can’t feel the way you do. But I’m offering objectivity here. Men are … they’re blunt creatures and that’s the biggest difference between men and women.” You furrow your eyebrows as she takes a deep breath before she continues. “And the idea that we’re equal? No, we’re not. I’m not talking about our systemic positions in society but on an emotional level. Men take things surface value and work with it, they don’t stop to think about the layers of feelings that go into interpersonal relationships with friends, family or lovers. Women? We go big or we go home. All we see is the big picture and sometimes the little details get lost in translation. This isn’t me justifying Jungkook playing home with you or Jennie at the same time, but offering you a perspective that may be hard for you to see because you aren’t him.”

It was true, and you hated yourself for being aware but not putting action based on your own thoughts. Yena only reaffirmed the idea that you overthought every single interaction and maybe that was why you were the one that was hurting.

That, or you and Jungkook had horrible communication problems that neither of you was ready to face just yet. But how could you? When the two of you were on two different wavelengths and you were trying to be just enough for him while he was jumping off pedestals to see you.

It didn’t feel nice, and it sucked because he was the same person that comforted you and broke you all at once.

“I’m scared.” You whisper.

She smiles at you gently, patting your head gently as you peer up at her with tears between your lashes.

“And that’s okay.” She reassures you with a soft voice, “The only thing scarier than being scared is not feeling at all.”

Before you go to where your heart tells you to—your mind is the only thing that keeps you rooted in some form of rationale. That’s probably why you’re outside of Namjoon’s dorm. You don’t think you’ve ever paid his place a visit despite him telling you his address on multiple occasions, usually opting to hang out in public yet serene places where you were able to get a breather.

Your feet feel heavy and your fist is raised, but it barely moves. Especially when you’re just eyeing his door like a deer caught in headlights. You’ve rehearsed the apology on your tongue a million times, even if you don’t really know what you’re apologising for. But you feel like you must, particularly because you’ve senselessly let him see all of the feelings that you were trying to suppress in hopes of retaining the same ones he had for you.

You take a deep breath and deliver the first knock, the vibrations making your arm feel weak.

But you’re tired of always surrendering to bigger and more frightening things that you could understand. So you purse your lips and play the waiting game.

It seems like a long twenty minutes that you wait, but in reality, it’s only two when the door swings open. You brace yourself to see Namjoon, apology already sitting on your tongue.

You should’ve dropped a text, you knew that. But you decided against it because you haven’t spoken to Namjoon since what happened a few days ago. Neither of you speaking about the kiss or the way your eyes glistened when you saw Jungkook and Jennie together.

“____?” He asks confusedly.

You give him a meek smile, “Hi. Can I come in?”

He blinks at you, and you notice he still has his glasses that he usually forgoes during the times you’ve hung out—and you feel a little guilty for catching him at a bad time.

“Yeah.” He clears his throat. “Sure.”

Namjoon steps aside and you’re welcomed into the space of his living room. The first thing you notice is the interior, and how … Namjoon it was. It’s both cluttered and neat, the palette of his furniture matching the overall vibe he emanated. His furniture is mostly wood, light sandalwood that makes it feel all the homier.

And you tell him such, “You have a very homey place.”

Namjoon turns his head to look at you right before he plops himself back onto his couch where you see the bits and pieces of paper scrambled across the floor and the couch. Even then, he was able to look so welcoming even though you reckon he has a right to be hostile—for a reason you came here to apologise for.

“Thank you.” He flushes, patting a spot in front of him for you to take your seat.

When you settle, the atmosphere turns strained when you mull over your words so that you wouldn’t stumble over them. You practised, you did—about a hundred times before you came here and you thought you were ready to apologise and put things behind you but it’s proven difficult when all he does is look at you in earnest.

“Not that I—uh—mind,” He mumbles, “But is there a reason why you’re here?”

You blink at him as you ignore the quiver in your heart.

“I’m sorry.” You blurt.

“_____ why are you—”

“You didn’t deserve what happened the other day.” You interject, voice soft but unwavering when you force yourself to look at him as his eyes widen.

“I wasn’t the one that saw something I shouldn’t have.” He reminds you with a frown.

You swallow, “I kissed you. And you …” It wasn’t helping that he was looking at you so gently as he awaits your continuation. “You didn’t need to save me back then, Namjoon.” You end in a whisper.

Namjoon reaches out to grab your shoulder, touch gentle as he searches for your eyes.

“I didn’t save you …” He tells you tenderly.

“It’s not just that!” You exasperate while you throw your hands up in the air. “I-it’s everything … from the way you treat me and the way you look at me. You didn’t need to do any of that and you even—” You trail off, fluttering your eyes shut. “—what did you say to Jungkook right before we left?”

Namjoon’s eyes enlarge as his grip becomes tense against your shoulder. You can almost see the way his mind kicks into gear as he thinks of a response.

“That—I—does it matter?” He huffs.

Your eyes soften, “Namjoon.” You force yourself to look at him even if now he was the one that tries to avoid your gaze. “What did you say?”

Namjoon tightens his lips before he sighs deeply, head dropping forward before he looks at you.

“I told him to be honest.” He says softly.

You furrow your eyebrows, “To be honest …?”

“I know you have feelings for him.”

Your face blanches when Namjoon basically exposes you. It’s one thing for you to be self-aware of your complicated feelings towards the other boy. But when someone else points it out, especially when it’s Namjoon—the boy who’s been nothing but kind and patient with you while you’re too busy being caught up in your emotions—it’s like a slap across your face.

“I-I don’t—”

“You don’t need to lie to save my face, ______.” He chuckles dryly, eyes darting away as he tries to neutralise his expression. You wince at the spite he establishes, but you know deep down that Namjoon isn’t angry at you. No, he was far too understanding to be. Disappointed? Frustrated? Sure, but never angry,

The silence answers for you when you look away this time, eyebrows scrunched as you attempt to navigate the conversation. You came here to apologise, and to be honest.

“I’m sorry.” You whisper.

“Don’t.” He takes a deep breath as you flinch. “Don’t … apologise.” He sighs.

“I didn’t mean to lead you on, Namjoon.” You murmur apologetically.

He shoots you a half-hearted chuckle, “You didn’t do anything. Really.”

“But I did, Namjoon. I kissed you back.” You frown.

“That doesn’t imply anything. I kissed you, and you reciprocated. We all kiss someone and not mean anything by it.”

You flinch, and you’re familiar with that more than anyone else. The reminder only stings because it makes you realise that you were not much different from Jungkook, the same person you’ve claimed to have messed with you and fucked you over.

“I’m—”

“Please don’t apologise anymore.” He says. “I already feel like shit.”

You smile sadly at him, “How do you manage to be so nice even when other’s do you wrong?”

Namjoon sighs, then he grabs both your hands in his. “You didn’t wrong me, _____. It’s not your fault you don’t feel the same way I do.”

“How did you …” You trail off.

“How did I know you had feelings for Jungkook?” He chuckles. “The same way he knew I had feelings for you.”

You purse your lips, eyes dropping to your lap. “It’s not that simple, Namjoon …” You say softly.

Namjoon smiles at you gently, “Is it?” He gently nudges your knee with his so that you’d look at him. “Life is simple. It’s not easy. But it’s simple.”

You scoff even if a small smile teases your lips, “You really are a philosophy major, aren’t you?”

The two of you grin in tandem before he purses his lips, possible mulling over something before he faces you.

“The two of you are close so … why beat around the bush?”

Your eyes flutter shut, shaking your head. “Like I said, it’s really not that simple.”

He rolls his eyes at you, but it’s not to mock or taunt you. Namjoon simply sees a naive, yet an intelligent girl who doesn’t see what’s right in front of her.

“Remember what I said? I’m a simple guy.” He reminds you, lips in a grin. “Try me.”

You snort, but you’re still nervous. You still remember that he has feelings for you, so you’re hesitant. And he immediately recognises the guilt-ridden expression that you mar.

Namjoon shoots you a stern glare, “Don’t overthink it.”

You sigh.

“Jungkook and I …” You start, fiddling with your thumbs. “We grew up together.”

Namjoon rolls his eyes and shoots you another one of his bland stares. “I know the history. I just want to know why?”

You furrow your brows, “Why?”

“Why the two of you insist on being so emotionally constipated.”

You gape at his audacity, and you’re glad the atmosphere isn’t as tense because Namjoon simply snickers at your reaction.

“I am not—!”

He waves you off, “Really?” He adds dryly.

You purse your lips and relent, even if you didn’t want to agree with him—you knew that he was … right. To a certain extent.

“We kissed.” You blurt.

Namjoon raises an eyebrow, “That’s not surprising.”

You shoot him a dry look before he raises his hands in defence.

“He was my first kiss.”

At this, Namjoon’s widen.

“When you were in high school?” He pries.

You flush, embarrassed that you had to tell him otherwise.

“Two months ago.” You mutter.

Namjoon splutters, and you can’t help but glare at him when he quite literally chokes on his spit. You know you caught him off guard, but him rubbing salt in the wound that’s relatively fresh makes you scowl.

“Oh.” He clears his throat. Then he repeats, “Oh.”

You scoff, “Yeah. Oh.”

“Then … what happened?” You know he’s treading carefully with you when he asks you his question softly.

You purse your lips, and you recall every single moment you’ve shared with him. From giggles to hushed kisses, to intimate touches and sweat-stained sheets that have you gasping for air. You remember it all, and they meant … they meant the world to you, but just a speck in his memory.

“Things escalated and we … did stuff together.” You wince.

Namjoon nods in understanding, he gestures his hands around, “Like—”

“I’m a virgin.”

Namjoon blinks.

“And for the longest time, I felt embarrassed about it.”

“Oh.”

“I struggled to find my footing between being sexually liberated and being a woman because for the longest time I thought those two were mutually exclusive. For me, at least.” You say softly.

Namjoon only stares at you.

“And I always wanted validation from someone else to tell me that what I was doing was the right thing to do. Or the supposed thing to do. Never what I really wanted to do.”

“Not that I’m uncomfortable but … why are you letting me in on this?” Namjoon asks with a raised brow.

“Because I want to do something for myself for once.” You whisper.

“Okay …?”

“Why do you like me? Even if I’m … boring and not as sexy as other women?”

You sound pathetic, and the first person you find yourself comparing yourself to is Jennie—a beautiful, confident woman who looked so assured in herself.

“You’re not—”

You groan.

“Namjoon.”

“Okay.” He sighs. “If you’re asking me if I care that you’re a virgin, then no. I really don’t. Because frankly, that concept to me is false and problematic. Whether or not you’ve had sex or not isn’t any of my business.”

You duck your head.

“And I like you because you’re interesting. You’re funny and you’re assured in your own way. You don’t need to be a certain standard of pretty or sexy or whatever for me to like you. I like you because of the time we’ve spent together and that I’ve gotten to know you. The real you and not the person I admired from afar but the girl who throws in jokes out of nowhere but fits so well with the situation. The girl who’s willing to spend three extra hours of her time to help with content that wasn’t prescribed to her. I like you because I’d like to think I’ve grown to understand who you are.”

Namjoon says all of those things while staring at you straight in the face and you feel compelled to cry. Because no one has ever been so honest with you and you hate that your heart can’t reciprocate what should be an easy feeling that comes naturally.

“Fuck.”

His eyes widen.

“Hey, it’s okay.” He coos, a hand petting your hair gently as you sniffle.

“It’s not, Namjoon. Everything sucks because everything is so complicated. Why can’t I just have feelings for you instead?”

It’s selfish, and Namjoon winces. But you’re so overwhelmed that you miss it, and Namjoon is too nice to point his own feelings out.

“You don’t pick and choose your battles, _____.” He murmurs softly.

“That’s not what my mom told me.” You whimper.

He chuckles, “Yeah. Most people like to believe that because it makes them think that they have a choice over the bad things that happen in their lives. But in reality? They don’t. No one decides what happens to them. You pick and choose how you react to things. How you deal with situations and what you make out of those situations is what you can choose to do. You don’t like me, and that’s fine. You don’t have to just because I’m nice to you, _____. Being nice is the absolute bare minimum and something that everyone should feel and do.”

Your face crumbles, “Why are you so wise?”

Namjoon smiles, “I’m not. It’s called offering a different perspective. Just because I see things one way doesn’t make me any better than you who sees things in another. That’s why we meet different types of people throughout our lives. The good, the bad, the in-between. There’s always something people offer to us in the midst of chaos.”

You sigh.

“I’m sorry, Namjoon.”

He pats your head, “I said don’t apologise.”

“No, but I want to. You’ve been nothing but kind to me and you picked up a shitty situation to be in when Jungkook and Jennie were at the library. Even right after I kissed you. That was … a horrible thing to do. I shouldn’t have done that just because—just because I was confused … you don’t deserve that.”

He doesn’t look angry, and that’s even worst because you want him to react, to call you a bitch and say that you were a horrible person.

“I don’t.” He shrugs while you wince. “But a lot of the times we don’t deserve a lot of things that we get. And that’s okay. You did what you thought was justified then, and there’s nothing you can do to change it. But you’re hurting too, and you’re confused—that’s what drove you to do the things that you did, and even here. That’s why you’re apologising to me, right? Because you’re not as confused anymore?”

You shake your head.

“I am, I’m still so confused.” You whisper.

“Then let me offer you another perspective.”

You look up to him with big eyes as he smiles at you gently.

“You have feelings for Jungkook.” You immediately flinch, even if he didn’t hit you. But Namjoon continues. “You’re trying to keep the picture as simple as you can even if it hurts you in the process. But

“You don’t understand, Namjoon … we … did things … that I’m not proud off …”

“You don’t have to—”

“He was my first kiss. My first … sexual experience. Even if it was just … third base,” You cringe, but Namjoon isn’t judging you at all. “A-and that’s all I was to him. An experience.”

“You don’t know that.”

“Do I, Namjoon?” You say softly. “He said things to me that were so hurtful. And a stupid part of me forgives him but it still hurts every time I think about it and when I see him with Jennie.”

You whisper the words Jungkook’s said to you, and for the first time, you see Namjoon’s jaw harden. The most emotion that wasn’t rationale you’ve seen in Namjoon ever since you first arrived.

“I know it hurts.” He murmurs, holding you close. “And I really don’t want it to seem like I’m justifying his words … but would you want to hear me out?”

You purse your lips and nod nevertheless.

“Jungkook isn’t a bad person.” You blink, you never thought he was. “I know you don’t think he is but you want to. Because of the things he’s said to you because why would a good person say those kinds of things, right? But the world isn’t black and white like that. There’s a grey area where 99% of the population falls into because we operate on emotion and sometimes we say things that we may feel but not necessarily believe in.”

“Jungkook … he’s still young. And I know we’re in college and stuff but he’s still three years younger than I am and two years younger than you. He’s spoken to me about how hard it was to adjust to a high school life where you, Jimin and Tae weren’t a part of. And I don’t know about you but if the only friends I’ve ever known suddenly left because they had to … I wouldn’t know what to do either. He was at a point in his life where his environment played a huge part in the values and internalised beliefs he had.”

You look away as you reflect on his words, nibbling on your bottom lip.

“He mixed around with different groups of people, and I hate this saying but it’s still a common belief to many—especially people his age, almost out of high school. But the ‘boys will be boys’ mentality is more than just misogyny and sexism, but a culture where it feeds off complacency and peer pressure. Jungkook suddenly had to shift from three, good friends who were progressive and influential in an objectively good way to people he was obliged to like because they were his peers.”

You gape at him, purely because you knew that Namjoon was smart and wise but his introspection leaves you breathless and enlightened.

“But that doesn’t change the core of Jungkook,” Namjoon says. “He’s still Jungkook. He doesn’t know how to ask for things that he wants without feeling like he’s betraying his masculinity. And again, I’m not justifying his actions because he’s a grown man too. But he’s lost, and the only thing he knows to uphold this sense of masculinity is by being sexually liberated. Even if he conflates his own emotions with his endeavours.”

“I … I don’t even know what to say Namjoon.” You murmur, eyes looking up through your lashes.

“You don’t need to say anything. I just want you to be honest to yourself, not anyone else. But yourself.” He tells you, carding a gentle hand over your head.

You fiddle with your thumbs.

“What do you want?”

Despite you confiding two different people, you find yourself at a convenience store at 12AM, scarfing down ramen from a cup noodle because your mind was a funny place when it was muddled with a hundred different thoughts. You knew sleep wasn’t an option for you either, and you were hungry. But somehow you didn’t have anything back in your apartment that screamed ‘I’m in a crisis’ enough for you to eat.

Which is why you’re here, while the cashier keeps his eyeball to himself when he sees yet another college student who’s probably having their third mental breakdown of the day.

It is, but not for the right reasons, you think dryly.

You think you’re alone until the chime of the bell momentarily distracts you and you turn your head to acknowledge the next lone customer who may be going through their own set of issues, or had a fucked up sleeping schedule.

But you’re not expecting to make eye contact with Jennie, out of everyone or any stranger you could’ve come across.

She spots you, shoots you a weird look that has you nearly choking on a string of noodles before she moves on to what she came here to do and stops at the snack section, skimming through her options before she settles on a pack of shrimp chips. Your heart churns because they were Jungkook’s favourite. You don’t want to wonder why she picked them.

You turn to your noodles, scarf them down some more because you want to eat your thoughts away even if you’re half-considering to call Jungkook, tell him you wanted to talk. But you knew that if you spoke to him now when you were still sorting out your thoughts, you’d end up in a situation you won’t be ready to deal with.

So when you poke at your food and sigh to yourself, you almost miss the way the stool beside you scrapes against the floor as you cringe.

You turn to shoot a petty glare at the person, and you see Jennie; casually tearing open her chips and popping one into her mouth

You blink at her, and you’re left even more speechless when she juts her hand out as if to offer you a shrimp cracker. Like it was a weird symbol of a truce. Even if you weren’t really … enemies.

“Want some?”

You stare at her, and before you can think twice your lips are moving.

“The crackers or your company?” You say dryly.

Her eyes widen, and so does yours. You didn’t expect to say your exact thoughts and you don’t think she expected a quiet, timid girl like you to have said that—out loud at least. Like Yena said, everyone has a mean bone in them. Some longer and larger than others, but they were still there.

“Wow.” She huffs, but she doesn’t seem offended. “Rude, much?”

You wince and feel compelled to apologise. “Sorry.”

She waves you off and you feel odd to be sitting next to her. You always expected her to be more malicious, a lot more of a bitch. And you frown to yourself because you suppose it’s your own preconceived notions of her due to the association she has with Jungkook that had you thinking of her that way.

“What’s someone like you doing here on a weekday?” She asks off-handedly.

The term ‘someone like you’ doesn’t sit well with you, and you scowl.

“I’m eating. What does it look like?” You retort, and Jennie only raises an eyebrow at your response. Much like an angry kitten.

“Damn, I was just asking.” She mutters under her breath, “I’m hungry. Needed a snack.” She shakes the crackers in front of you, “You sure you don’t want one?”

You can’t believe her as you gape at her easy-going state when she thrusts the bag of crackers into your face yet again.

“No.” You furrow your brows, gently pushing it away as she shrugs her shoulders.

“It’s good.” She reasons, and you don’t know why she’s so adamant about having you take one.

The irrational part of you thinks she wants to poison you, to eliminate you for good so she won’t have to deal with your pathetic pining over a person that wasn’t even yours.

“I know.” You mutter. “I tried it before.”

Jennie nods her head slowly, observing the content of the packet on the back before she turns to face you, “Jungkook introduced this to me. Didn’t see the appeal but it’s addictive.”

You freeze, and your ramen soup is getting cold with the way you haven’t prodded at it for a while and in the air-conditioning in the convenience store. You feel your stomach drop, especially now that your initial suspicions were confirmed.

“That’s nice.” You grit. It really isn’t.

“Did he introduce it to you?” She asks with a tilt of her head.

Why you’re still talking to her, or why she was bothering to talk to you when she’s ignored you all this while—you aren’t sure. But you still answer her despite the spite that forms in your chest.

“I introduced it to him.” You inform.

She hums, unbothered. It only irritates you more.

“Is there a reason?” You huff. “Why you’re here?”

She raises an eyebrow, “I’m hungry?”

You scoff. “No.” You slam the table ever so slightly because even if you were annoyed and confused, you weren’t that brave and you didn’t want to cause a scene at a convenience store at midnight. “Why are you here. Talking to me.”

Jennie blinks at you, then stares at you for seconds too long that you flush under her unwavering stare before she ends up in a fit of giggles. You almost think she’s here to mock you, to call you out on your pathetic and humiliating pining for someone who doesn’t care about you the same way you do to him. But she pats you on the shoulder, and you want to think it’s condescending but it doesn’t seem that way at all.

“You’re an acquaintance. You looked like you needed the company.”

You frown, “I don’t.”

She rolls her eyes, munching on another chip.

“You do. Your posture looks depressing.”

“Excuse me?” You scowl.

“It’s true.” She shrugs. “You don’t seem the type to be here wallowing unless it’s really bad. You seem like you have your shit together.”

And because your mind is already muddled and confused, and filled with irrational thoughts. Her words set you off, and you seem to be underrating or overreacting more than usual. So you snap, you shove your cup aside that the soup nearly sloshes out and send her a glare so blazing that Jennie’s caught off guard.

“And you think you know me well enough to gauge whether or not I’m ‘like this’ or the type to have a perfect mental breakdown regimen because I’m smart?” You seethe. Jennie’s eyes widen. “I have mental breakdowns like every other student and I binge eat when I’m stressed and I fuck up from time to time. I curse, yes! I see your face. Oh does she not curse? Well, look at me, bitch. I can curse like a motherfucking sailor at sea when the fishes come because I’m human. I’m just like you. So fuck off with your ‘you seem like you have your shit together’ because I don’t and I’m so fucking annoyed with your stupid face whenever I see it because it only reminds me of Jungkook!”

The silence is defining, even the cashier stops counting his bills for the night because you don’t hear the rubbing of money together. You feel his stare on your back, and more pressingly, you feel Jennie’s shocked expression linger on your face, and now that you’ve come down from your rage. Your face heats up in embarrassment.

You don’t even recall what you said, except for the fact you’ve mentioned her and Jungkook in the same sentence. And your face pales.

“I …” She chokes.

You flush, before you’re turning away, snatching your belongings to leave and forget this convenience store and never return because you don’t think you can show your face here ever again.

But before you’re able to make a run for it, a hand grabs your elbow that stops you from moving any further.

“This is already as embarrassing—” You exasperate, trying to snatch your arm away.

“For a girl so smart, you’re really dumb, aren’t you?” She deadpans.

You gape, finding enough strength to retrieve your arm as you stare at her with a dumbfounded expression.

“Excuse me—?”

“Firstly, let’s unpack what you just said because there are a lot of things that need to be dissected here.” She says blankly.

You scowl, “Look I don’t—”

“One.” She blinks as if she was doing a presentation for a course and not talking to an alleged acquaintance. “I don’t think you should act a certain way just because you’re smart. You’re entitled to your own mechanisms and I’m not judging you for them. I was simply pointing out my own observations, and I’m sorry for being insensitive.”

You’re stunned to silence, because did Jennie just … apologise to you?

“Two.” She says. You listen silently. “I think you have things you need to talk to Jungkook about, and frankly—I would’ve stayed away if I knew that the two of you were a thing.”

“We’re not a thing!” You cry, face flushed.

She shoots you an unimpressed look, “Really. So that oddly targeted blow-up was because of your mental breakdown and not because you don’t have feelings for Jungkook?”

She’s the third person to call you out the same day, or within the first one in the next. And it’s even more embarrassing because it’s the girl you’ve compared yourself to countless times because of your own insecurities.

“Yes.” You snap childishly.

Jennie sighs, gesturing for you to sit on the stool. You want to defy her out of spite, but you’ve already gotten this far into the conversation and you feel like you’d miss out on something if you left now.

“Why are you mad at me?” She asks.

“I-I’m not mad—” You weakly protest.

“You are. There’s anger in you and if it’s not directed to Jungkook then it’s directed to me. Is it because I’m a woman?”

Your eyes widen, “What—?”

“Let me reword that,” She sighs. “Is it because I’m the woman with Jungkook?”

You flinch at her declaration, especially since she indirectly confessed to being with him, while you weren’t.

“I don’t …” You trail off in a whisper.

“I don’t blame you for being angry.” She says. “But I need you to understand that I would never have done anything with him if I knew that the two of you were together.”

“We’re not.” You blink, and her unimpressed look is still there that makes you speak a little louder. “We’re not together.”

She opens her mouth to say something, then shuts it. You see her furrow her eyebrows before she settles for a response that comes a few moments after.

“Okay, then if you’re not together then why the resentment?” She puts it so simply and now that you’re listening to her, you feel a lot stupider.

“I just …” You croak, fiddling with your fingers, “I don’t …”

She sighs, “Listen. We’re both women here. I know how it feels to be left in the dark when it comes to things like this but there’s no point in being angry at me when in reality it’s Jungkook you need to talk to. If you aren’t together then I don’t understand why you’re angry with me—or with him.”

You sit there in silence, nearly pouting like a scolded child.

“You’re his type.” You say softly.

Jennie pauses before she raises an eyebrow.

“And you believe that?”

You furrow your eyebrows, “I mean, of course?” You mumble, “You’re pretty, confident and sexy. Any guy would like you.”

For a moment, you think you’ve said too much. Looked to vulnerable. But Jennie doesn’t do the typical mean girl thing where she laughs in your face and threatens to expose you. Instead, her eyes soften, and her hand reaches out to hold yours.

“____.” She calls your name gently, and you look away, embarrassed. “You’re pretty. You’re confident. You are sexy.”

You flush, “No. I’m not.”

She scoffs, “_____, there isn’t a set definition of what a pretty woman is like. Nor is there a one-dimensional understanding of a confident woman. There are confident women who strut in their walk and commands all the attention in the room. But there are also quiet, assured women who are intelligent and confident in their capabilities. Both of them are so different, but the one thing that they have in common?” She prompts as your eyebrows furrow. “They’re both women who are worthy of love.”

You blink up at her when her tone goes softer.

“I don’t think I’m Jungkook’s type.” She tells you.

But for some reason you need to deny it, again.

“I think you are.” You mumble, “You’re … you. And you’re probably … experienced.” You cringe at what you say, and you’re mortified if you need to explain yourself to her. But Jennie immediately picks up on it, and you don’t notice how she tenses for a split second but recovers immediately.

“We’ve done things together, yes.” You feel your heart shatter, “But you don’t have to do anything with him for him to like you.”

You sigh, “Maybe. But that's the only way he’s ever wanted me.” You say so softly that Jennie almost doesn’t catch it.

Jennie’s face softens much more, turning into a much gentler expression as she nudges your chin to look at her. And when you do, you feel wounded. You feel so much less assured than you were when you were raging at her. You hated it, how she treated you so kindly when she should’ve been cursing at you like you did to her.

“Do you want to know something?” She asks.

You nibble on your lips before you nod your head.

“If someone doesn’t want you. It’s not because you’re lacking. It’s because they’re lacking the sense to perceive you in a way that recognises your inherent worth to be loved.”

Your breath hitches and Jennie continues.

“I’ve had instances where men didn’t want to sleep with me because I was too confident, too sexually liberated for them. As if who I slept with mattered because it wasn’t them. It was never going to be them.”

“I didn’t sleep with Jungkook.” You tell her, voice soft as if you needed to clarify.

“And you don’t need to. You don’t need to sleep with anyone for them to want you. If Jungkook only wants you for your body then he doesn’t deserve you.” She points out.

You feel your heart clench, and the realisation coming from Jennie only hurts even more.

“But he’s important to me …” You whisper.

“What’s important is not always what’s good for you.” She informs you with a gentle smile. “Your sexuality is yours. And if you want to sleep or be sexual with someone, you do it because you want to. Not because someone coerced you into doing it.”

Your eyes widened, “N-No. Jungkook didn’t force me. I consented. To all of it.” You murmur, “I wanted to do it. B-But I just felt so … lacking? In comparison and … since then all he’s came to me for was just … that.”

Jennie nibbles on her bottom lip, “Jungkook’s not a bad person.” She says softly. And she’s the second person that tells you that. So you know it’s a true reflection of his character.

“I know.”

She smiles, “We both do.” She nods, “But he’s misguided. He’s never had the ability to be with someone he really cares for and I think when that happened—he dealt with it the only way he knows how to.”

You furrow your brows, “But he’s with you.”

She shakes her head with a small chuckle, “No. Not emotionally, at least.” She informs. “And he doesn’t care about me. I know. He’s always kept me at arms-length away, and I’m fine with that because I don’t like him like that either.”

You blink, and your ears turn red. “H-How do you—?”

“How do I separate lust from affection?” She laughs. “It’s because I can. Not everyone can do that, and Jungkook is one of them.”

“But you just said that he didn’t care about you.”

“I’m not talking about me,” She smiles sadly.

Your eyebrows scrunch in confusion until you realise what she was implying. And you don’t want to assume anything, never. Because hope was the one feeling that was worse than fear and you didn’t want to subject yourself to that just yet.

“Oh.” You mumble.

She nods, squeezing your hand.

“I think he misses you.”

You purse your lips.

You missed him, too.

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irrealisms · 2 years ago

Note

How are you doing lately? You all right?

I am doing kind of poorly, to be honest! I tried to use the narrative to my advantage to break out of the negative cycles I am trapped in and set up Positive Change but instead I have become a meta commentary on existing with an audience! I had like half a feeling due to homework and suddenly all of the feelings I have been avoiding for the past year and a half slammed into me at once and I’m trying so so hard to keep myself 24/7 occupied with mindless media so that I don’t have to face my thoughts and also so as to be narratively flat and boring. I am not real and have never been real, I’m just an idea, and sometimes I can pretend that it’s fine, that this is just some sort of a joke, that I’m having fun making my audience watch YouTube videos. But I’m not. I go to the bathroom and I think, are they getting off to this? or is this getting cut? do they even give a shit about me? am i anything when i’m not aesthetically pleasing? what are my standards for ‘aesthetic’, or ‘interesting’, and why? if i think too hard about this, maybe it’ll be interesting. better open tumblr and mindlessly scroll, that’s bad content, right? fuck, I hope they’re not getting off to this, hard to put someone off if they have a kink. and I hate it! I fucking hate it! I can’t fucking do things like this and whenever I am alone with my thoughts for half a second I want to cry! and I also feel like— it’s fucking stupid because I’m putting all this up on my blog and liveblogging it in my discord server? I like narrativizing and aestheticizing. I don’t care that much about my privacy. I like the idea of being an idea God had and I don’t mind Him watching me and helping shape my life to be beautiful, I’m fine with all that. I don’t really mind being blorbo from your shows. So it feels… idk, hypocritical. To, also, mind? The being watched and being fake and being a rat in a maze and them trying to make me freak out. I don’t like that I’ve given them what they wanted after I tried so hard to Not and Be Healthy but… I don’t know, I’m tired. I’m really, really tired. I might drop out of school and it’s fucking pathetic because it’s my fifth year of it, I should have graduated last year. But I’m so fucking tired of it. But also I don’t know if I can hold down a job and I’m suspicious that I can’t, the only reason school hasn’t fired me is because I’m paying them, and I’m terrified of the idea that I won’t be able to and I’ll end up just living at home doing nothing being taken care of by my parents forever & ever & ever. And I don’t want to talk to irl people about it and I don’t want to talk to my psychiatrist about it and I don’t want gentle kid gloves treatment and I don’t want antipsychotics and I don’t know what will help I just want to hide under my bed forever and ever and I want to not be followed anymore or recorded and while I’m at it I want the rewards of Doing Things without having to actually ever do things I don’t want to do.

So, uh, yeah. Not… the most alright. I’m fine! I’m fine. I am eating three meals a day and sleeping 8-10 hours a night. I have the gold star in Not Wanting To Die Anymore. I am Better Than Last Year and for that matter I am better than the year before that and the year before that and so on and so on for the last twenty years. Not literally every year, but most of them. It’s… whatever, I guess.

Kinda want to make a web weave or something about How Things Have Been Recently but it feels obnoxious tbh even if it’s a self aware sort of obnoxious. my entire blog and my writing is sort of a more elaborate version of that, anyway. then again it’s fun sometimes to elaborately make a FUCK OFF! STOP WATCHING ME!

Also [insert generic OCD fears about what if I’m wrong about morality] + [generic anger about what if I’m right and have let my fear of hurting people suppress all my thoughts and opinions for no reason] pops up on occasion but way less than it used to. Score one for therapy, I guess.

#hi . sorry to traumadump . i am doing. bad #therapists dni #a bit of a truman show complex

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strangerfigs · 2 years ago

Text

my thoughts on the script... and comparing mike and el's relationship to will and mike's;

i wish we had a name for willelmike love triangle because it would be so much easier but man i have so many thoughts, and i always see people say don’t trash another ship when discussing your ship, and as much as i agree, it’s hard not to do in love triangles seemingly as that is kind of the whole point - contrast

and like i love el/jane, whatever she wants to call herself which i hope the end of the series will be jane but anyway, i digress. my point is, my intention is never, ever against el. in fact, most of the time, she is not the one wrong in her relationship w mike. she has her moments for sure (spying, possessiveness, etc.) but can you rly blame her? no.

anyways, i rly just want to throw that out there because rly mike and el's relationship is so important, but w both of their characters - they rly both seem to indulge in their worst traits while romantically paired together, and it's just tiring to see, tbh. because i love both their characters but they both regress with one another so much, and also hide so much of their true selves. their dynamic is so beautiful in season 1 because i think a lot of it is them actually being themselves around one another, and i think there is an understanding between them, but it's lost in s3 and so on... and even in s2, we don't rly get much of them so ? it's hard to argue it's there

while i'm not fully decided on if mike is gay or bisexual (he is for sure queer, don't even care how st ends - he is), i could see both ways, and in both ways, i think their relationship is important to each other; i do see all the queer gay codes for mike, but i think there are some people in the fandom who don't want to say he is bisexual because then it leads to more confusion about his feelings about el, how he feels about her, and when those feelings faded, but like, it happens. all the time. and it still makes the romance valid, even if the romance started on rocky foundation (it did) and that's part of the reason it falls out. and mike can still be capable of having feelings before eleven or after, as well as feeling repressed and stuff.

i think sometimes, i even myself want to believe he is gay because it just ties things up in a cleaner way, but the thing is, too, is that it is a love triangle, and just like we say about will, for it to be an actual love triangle, mike has to have feelings for them both, which i think he does, but he and eleven's relationship, which is referred many times to star-crossed, is just doomed because of many things, but that doesn't make it non-romantic, unless he is gay, but idk, i feel like ... honestly bisexual is more messy in terms of this love triangle, but it makes more sense when you look at the ways in which they are described and the imagery of the love triangle itself and it's pattern within stranger things in terms of these character's plots

will and el also literally kin each other, so, yeah, i think it makes sense that mike would fall for both of them? but his relationship with will is just stronger; it has a better foundation; its a stronger bond that consists of all that's what is missing in his relationship with el, and it allows for both characters to be themselves without a need for defense; they just love one another for what they are, not what they pretend to be or hide; they see the best in one another! and they are both big nerds, and yeah, the years of friendship (which unfortunately el did not have a chance at w mike) helped, but this is part of the problem too because they could have been friends first but they weren't, and situationally, it just does not work because of how it ended. do i think maybe el and mike could have been not star crossed upon another circumstance or situation? maybe! but do i also think a big part of the circumstance is mike's initial love for will that just feels embedded into their relationship by proxy? yeah

something not stated within mike's monologue to el is in between the lines. when he found her in the woods, he was looking for will. even though mike did want to help her because he is a natural protector for multiple reasons, some being self righteousness (feel you!) but yeah, he wanted to help. mike is literally a knight. he wants to be a white knight to el but she doesn't need that from mike, and i don't rly think that's something that mike could ever accept anyhow because again, their initial relationship begins with him saving her, he likes this dynamic, but after the end of s2, this is when that ends, and we start to see their relationship struggle, and mike is being sincere, is the literal issue that comes up in s4! and i even think that maybe there is some authenticity to this, or i guess, reason for mike to think this - el doesn't even reach out to him for emotional support because of the bullies, which is so odd to think, but - el doesn't want to have to rely on mike. she wants him to see her as strong and happy. she doesn't want him to worry about her. she just wants him to love her. but what does that even mean to her? i don't think she or mike fully understand because their relationship, again, is star-crossed. it just fundamentally does not work, whether it be due to the circumstances, who they are, how they begun, etc. it just doesn't work because they rly seem to not be in sync regarding what they both want from a relationship with one another, and how they view romantic love

whereas with will, he feels like he can open up to mike because he is the only person who doesn't baby him, treat him different, yet he is the one that keeps him going, as though, just by being mike, just by existing as mike and will, mike is literally providing what he WANTS to do with el; he is will's paladin. his knight. his heart. but it's not even about wanting to feel as though he is his /white knight/ or important. it's just about will, and i think that's what lacks with el and mike again. it's more self-based than about el when he says he wants to protect her; he doesn't trust her, he doesn't understand her - both concepts are established between 2 and 3. he wants to feel needed by her, but he is needed by will, but it's not about self fulfillment with will, or himself, it's about will, which is how it should be. when he helps will, or when he messes up with will, he is focused more on will, then himself. this is seen so so so many times. if not, just through mike canonically only calling himself mean names when talking about his behaviors with will. and i have seen many people say 'why does mike only talk about el' throughout s4 with him, which is something i thought too at first, but if you look back - after 4x4, after he says he was worrying too much about el and feels like he lost will - he LITERALLY does not bring up el again to will. it is ALWAYS will who brings her up to mike because he sees him hurting.

and we don't even know for sure if this is what mike is even thinking about because it's not him who ever brings it up. it's will who prompts the discussion; it's will who lays out mike's feelings for el; it's will who establishes the theme and emotions of the conversation, which is LITERALLY displayed in the script:

also this is all i'll say. I know everyone was worried about the 'what are you 12 years old, dude?' comment because i just immediately assumed it was will's reaction to himself, but i do understand that it's under mike, so let's just... for a second say it's mike, well is it really that ooc for him to think this? yes, it's a jerk thing, but mike's defense mechanism is so high in terms of will, and his feelings for will. his immediate reaction is to recoil, to be mean because it braces closer to the truth, but then... let us say, this scene went differently and mike said these words aloud, hurting will. we know he'd regret it, we know he'd apologize, and we know that he'd have to reflect. just enough. to apologize. he would have to think why he would say or think that; he'd recognize it was wrong and mean but also like. yeah. that sounds nice. trust me. being repressed, in denial, and dealing w a lot of internalized homophobia often leads to these /reactions/ even if not said aloud. it's jerking away, mentally because you literally need to recoil with disgust, with - no fuck that - because it opens too many worms if you don't. it is an option, maybe the only option to really keep yourself safe from opening up the can of worms. trust me. i've been there. i've recoiled at gay interactions, almost instinctively because i spent so much time building up that straightness, and it becomes a jerk reaction to be straight, but there is much more to it; you may have been able to rewire your conscious brain but your subconscious knows

anyway. back to the script bit up there^ because i rly was not intending on discussing that for so long^

we again see will thinking that he knows what is going on inside mike's head which is fair because he knows him so well and they understand each other, but this scene, as we saw on screen, and on the script, is the PEAK of misunderstanding between them. it's clear in the "will doesn't understand" and then later "mike doesn't understand" along with will filling in mike's blanks on the situation.

and the way it's written, yeah, as someone who is in the social work field, i agree that mike being worried about losing el due his insecurities, and even not being able to say ily because of that, makes sense in terms of possibilities and practicality regarding attachment styles and relationships. but do i think mike has this attachment style? this fear avoidant attachment style? no, i don't. do i think it's a convenient way to explain his behavior/latch onto? yeah. i think on a red herring scale, it makes enough sense to misguide the audience, and i think on just a human being scale, it makes sense for mike to use that as the excuse. and maybe that's insane of me to psychologically see that YES this is ACTUALLY a possibility and can be explained, but it still does not add up to me personally... but even if i did think this explains everything, previous things i said explain why this is just part of the reason mike and el are star crossed ^

so, yes, maybe this is part of it ^ but i also think that maybe mike is accepting that el does not need him, and in that, realizing that maybe their relationship isn't meant to be, but will doesn't rly get what he is saying, and just wants him to feel better, so he does what he does and gives him what he needs, which literally just so happens to be his exact feelings, and that makes mike feel better which is just crazy. like really let that sit with you. and in a way... really describes this whole love triangle.

mike is STRUGGLING with his ability to say ily to eleven, possibly due to insecurities, fear of abandonment, poor self worth, etc., and will, wanting him to feel better; just saying it to make him feel better, but also completely honest in how he feels about mike, literally just ... makes him feel better, like it's so easy with them, and that's... that's just the thing. it's natural and easy and they are just... exactly what each other need.

and i think in this scene of misunderstanding and miscommunication being the LITERAL only scene where mike's heart is not facing will... this CUSTOM MADE SHIRT... is telling.

and then, you compare this to 4x4, where they are directly discussing their relationship (prompted by mike, and where, yet again, will tries to push the focus on el, but mike corrects it) it is said that, what mike is saying - makes COMPLETE sense to will. they are so aligned in this scene, it's insane, and it's the only scene where the focus is just on them. like do i rly need to say more?

i think mike is struggling with his feelings, and so much more goes into it because of internalized homophobia, but whether he loves el or not, their relationship is doomed, and if he does love el? that's okay. because guess what? he loves will too. like i said, his journey began with will; the best thing he ever did was become will's friend, and he only met el because of will; and mike can maybe love el without his monologue being true; he can think he loves el, but honestly. i don't think he knows what that even means, and i don't think he will know until he GETS what will was saying when he described himself (as el) as a mistake, and so on.

i think he is trying very hard to make it work with el; saying things that he thinks he feels or that she wants to hear, or reimagining their relationship in their head, but it's doomed because it just lacks foundation, understanding and trust and everything you need. maybe, maybe they love each other? but like - what does that even mean to either of them? maybe mike does not know how to live without her, but why? it is a lot of big statements that feel empty; they lack true meaning or back up, and critical thinking. they were literally only kissing in s3 all the time yet mike was so torn up about their break up, but when it came down to it - when it came down to actual desperation, it was will who he was biking in the rain for. he might think or believe all these things about el, and he may refuse to allow himself to think about will, but it's just all so obvious in his actions and the way he looks at both of them, and how he cannot even say the word love to will, about el, which could have various meanings: because he struggles to say it to her, maybe doesn't and also because it's will, and there is a deep part of him that loves him too, which makes it feel fundamentally wrong to say he loves someone else around him, even if he doesn't recognize that, but maybe it became easier when will let him go; pushed him to el, TWICE, like - that subconscious hope, was squashed, because why on earth would someone push him to say more to their GF while they felt that way? *also in lucas on the line, mike tells dustin and lucas he and el wrote each other love letters yet he cannot say the word to will, and also not saying this content of the w will could be portrayed as a form of defense and self preservation because if will knows he cannot say i love you... some of that reason being because of will himself... then will can figure it out which he cannot allow to happen. (trust me this form of thinking, i've legit done) but mike rly underestimates will's self sacrifices which is why i think mike in s1 is perplexed by will's decision to tell him it was a 7; why tell him when mike didn't see it? i don't think mike understands just how SELFLESS he is, and also, i mean, will gets SNIPPY with mike lmao, and he also doesn't see him as a baby; like he doesn't view him as this, just selfless baby angel, like he just sees him as will, very much of who he is, but also as person because he doesn't idolize him, but he also trusts him, canonically, more than any character on the show it truly seems, and also understands him, canonically, more than any one on the show, but i sometimes think this blinds them both;

they both understand and trust each other so much that they believe they know what the other is thinking, but they don't, and i think it blinds them both, which leads to this miscommunication trope so much. why didn't will reach out more? it's obvious he was JEALOUS but how does that come across to mike? it just seems like will doesn't want to talk to him, and he called maybe a couple of times, yet always whines to dustin about joyce's job, even though... didn't el just tell him about it... it's very obvious that mike cared about will not talking to him at rink o maria; like i know everyone's discussed it but just cuz i have to, he says WILL SABOTAGED THE WHOLE DAY because of his attitude, and THIS IS RIGHT AFTER EL TELLS ANGELA SHE RUINS HER DAY LOL??? like the stark difference is just... insane. but yeah, like i said, i think these two are always on the defense when it comes to their actual feelings, esp mike, but in the form of will: i know everyone think he's like fully accepted his feelings for mike, and such, but i think he's still teetering, considering the script confirms he HATES himself. i think they are both still teetering. but will is a lot more confident about it too, but like... really. we need to believe the multiple inferences we got that say will pulled away from mike and that HURT mike, like i feel like we ignore this bit too much, and i think it's cuz it's all directed from will pov, but mike literally is hurting from this distance. he is. and he is the one to literally say they are friends but these moments truly show how defensive mike is with this. he walks around eggshells with his feelings for his FRIEND. until they're alone. and until they are both in sync. and then it's like hey, hello, you're so important to me, i love you. and in the van, as a reminder with LITERALLY JONATHAN IN THE MIRROR, they aren't alone, and mike needs to be more on guard too because of that because i do think the end of s3, was... a heavy realization but he's still in denial, or regressed, or what not.

anyways.... this got out of hand. but i really just think they're endgame, and it's ok if mike does love el, even romantically, because... well, does he? does he really? it is very... very not... hm. it would work better as friends, but that doesn't mean he never had romantic feelings for her, but it's very much empty, which very much opposes will and mike's relationship which lacks words of affirmation and sometimes quality time but is... really just shown through so much else. amen. the end.

#byler

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makeste · 4 years ago

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BnHA Chapter 311: Hand Gun

Previously on BnHA: Horikoshi was all “thinkin’ about dropping in some woke analogies of the very real and very presently relevant issue of racial profiling idk what do you guys think” and then shrugged and did it without waiting for an answer, and ngl it was a bit sudden, but I’m here for it. All Might was all “DEKU YOU NEED TO EAT” and Deku was all “OKAY” and took his hero bento and went to go stand dramatically on a tower in the rain whilst having some highly anticipated Vestige flashbacks. OFA II was all, “sup, I guess I’m not Kacchan... OR AM I,” and ngl I think he is?? Alternate universes anybody?? Hello??? But anyway, so OFA the First a.k.a. Yoichi was all “remember that time you guys rescued me from my evil brother and Two took my hand and we Had A Moment?”, and Two and Three were all “ahh yeah good times”, and it was very nice and very, very gay. The chapter ended with it being very unclear if Two and Three have actually lent their power to Deku yet or not lmao. Y’all need to get your shit together dudes.

Today on BnHA: Horikoshi is all “what if I gave a random bad guy a fucking tommy gun that shoots nails” and jesus christ calm down son. The Hawksquad, a.k.a. SQUAWK as per @hotchocolatier, are all “time to drive aimlessly around town acting like Deku has a restraining order on us because that’s literally the best plan to combat the League we could come up with,” and I have no further comment. Hawks is all “idk about you guys but I want to know more about AFO and Tomura’s whole deal” and I can’t remember the last time I identified so strongly with one of these characters. All Might is all, “[EXPLODES???]”, and the chapter ends with that mysterious hot girl from the Tartarus breakout being all “HELLO I CAN TURN INTO A GUN AND I LITERALLY DON’T GIVE A FUCK” and (1) WOW, and (2) IT’S TRUE, SHE CAN, AND SHE REALLY DOESN’T. GODDAMN.

(ETA: so this wholly escaped my notice on the first go, and also has nothing to do with the chapter itself, but I only just realized that this chapter was scanlated by a new group, TCB Scans. they actually did a very good job, and I’m curious if they’ve found a new RAW provider, because the quality this week is actually crazy good in comparison to what we’ve been dealing with for the past few months. I’m gonna have to get caught up on what exactly happened here lol.)

so what will it be this week? more Vestige antics? more of Sad Nomad Deku standing on buildings and pretending like he’s some cool aloof antihero, as if he could fool us when we all know his hero backpack is secretly stuffed full with his nerd diaries and the remnants of all the hero bentos that All Might keeps giving him?? or, just putting it out there, just a crazy thought, but you don’t suppose we might actually cut back to U.A.? mmm. side-eyes emoji

maaaaaan I’m starting to get tired of this trend of beginning chapters by dropping in on random power-tripping civilians and/or Shindou lol. just once can we get a chapter that opens with someone I actually give a fuck about

oh at least Endeavor is here

A WHAT SUPPORT ITEM!??! HOLY SHIT DDLKJSLFKJL

lol somehow that’s more terrifying than bullets for me?? like I’m fully aware that bullets will fuck you up way worse and that in real life nail guns probably don’t work like this AT ALL and only have a range of like... hold up let me just google... up to 100 to 150 m/s and distances of up to 500m wait WHAT

okay wait. hold up. like I was expecting google to tell me nail guns only shoot a few feet at most, and instead the first search result is some CDC blog article that’s “dispelling” the “””myth””” -- please note my repeated sarcastic quotation marks -- that nail guns can fire 1400 feet per second, by explaining that actually they can fire anywhere from 315 ft/sec to 1,295 ft/sec, and that “it is in the pneumatic nail gun user’s best interest to handle these tools as if they were a firearm despite having a lower velocity” dlkjdslkjflkl

SO THAT SCENE IN IRON MAN 3 WHERE TONY RAIDS A HOME DEPOT AND BUYS A BUNCH OF RANDOM TOOLS AND SHIT AND GOES ON TO STAGE A ONE-MAN INVASION OF AN INTERNATIONAL TERRORIST’S FLORIDA MANSION HQ IS ACTUALLY TRUE. YOU’RE TELLING ME THAT THE FILM “HOME ALONE” IS ACTUALLY A DOCUMENTARY. “the Discovery Channel television program “Mythbusters” compared the penetration capacity of an airborne projectile shot from a pneumatic framing nail gun to that of a 9mm hand gun” HELLO YES AND A MERRY “WHAT THE FUCK” TO YOU AS WELL

anyway, so. there’s apparently a reason why the Number One hero, who can burn people with the intensity of a sun going supernova, is hiding here behind this concrete support column making frowny faces. nope. nuh uh. he ain’t about that. I don’t blame you buddy

so now he’s barrel rolling out of his hiding place and setting this dude THE FUCK ON FIRE because HELL NO. BAD ENOUGH I HAD TO WATCH THAT FUCKING MUSHROOM EPISODE LAST WEEK! YOU TAKE THAT SHIT SOMEWHERE ELSE

LOL look at his face

I know the context is actually him being all “I know I’m responsible for basically everything that happened and so that’s why I’m so grim and serious about this mission to set things right piece by piece,” but in my mind this pissed-off face is 100% all because this dude tried to shoot his eye out with a nail gun. look at that. you made him go full flame face again. beard and all. protecting his face so that it can hopefully melt any stray nails that get too close. nope nope nope

good lord. so what’s up next. let me guess the guy fighting Best Jeanist has like an atomic chainsaw or some shit

lol nope we’re just cutting back to Hawks and Jeanist chilling in the Jesla after they’ve wrapped things up

Jeanist has got some serious Groot energy you guys jesus christ he’s like 12 feet tall

oh snap someone threw a pipe at him now

today is just the chapter of Endeavor being assaulted by random DIY tools I guess

I mean, I get why they’re pissed at him obviously; I would be too lol. but tbh I also don’t really understand the “get out of here we don’t want your help” attitude that all of these people suddenly seem to have?? like it if were me, I would be fucking DEMANDING for him and the other heroes to be working round the clock to fix their stupid mess. I mean who else is gonna do it?? it’s their mess, I sure don’t want to be the one to clean it up instead. anyways but whatever lol

oh shit?

so they haven’t dropped the whole “OFA secret potentially gets revealed to the world” thing yet after all. that makes sense I suppose, it did seem like that whole thing wound up playing out a bit too easily

anyway so yeah

the locals are definitely none too happy. well at least Dabi’s got something to be cheerful about I guess

so now we’re cutting to the interior of the Jesla and they’re chitchatting about the current investigation

oh wow this actually makes a bit of sense now. so there was a reason they were keeping their distance from Deku

please note that even in this abstract Endeavor’s-Mental-Image-Of-Him panel, Deku’s eyes still don’t have the light in them anymore :( my poor son

also ftr I still think using Deku as bait in this particular sense is the shittiest idea ever ngl. like sure, let’s let the sixteen-year-old run around battling miscellaneous escaped prison convicts while we stay several kilometers away ON PURPOSE despite the fact that you’re using him as bait to draw out the Big Bad, who just a reminder can destroy anything with a mere touch and who you were all basically helpless against. what exactly are you all planning to do if Tomura or one of the other League VIPs actually shows up to retrieve him?? are you even keeping tabs on him at all in real time?? jesus

(ETA: well that escalated quickly lol.)

Horikoshi is all of a sudden dropping whole pages of exposition here and I can’t be bothered to summarize this lol so just,

a big fat YES to what Jeanist said, though. that’s why imo they would have been better off laying a trap at U.A. rather than just wandering around out in the open. I assume they’re trying to cut their potential losses because U.A. is full of students (and civilians), but those students also happen to be more capable than pretty much anyone else in the manga at this point. and tbh they’re already in life-threatening danger regardless of how things play out from here on, so they might as well at least try to use the few advantages they have right now. U.A. is almost certainly going to come under siege at some point anyway, so they might as well prepare for it

lol I don’t think I’m explaining this very well because I don’t have the patience right now to break it down point by point like it really ought to be, so for now I’ll just say that imo “U.A. siege” stands a good chance of being the eventual endgame even now, and so this whole “Deku runs around being bait” arc is really just killing time until then lol. like and subscribe for more rambling nonsensical takes such as this. maybe next time I’ll even put it all into one single sentence for maximum meandering senior citizen rant value

well it’s nice that they’re finally talking about all of this I guess

we readers have known all of this for months now but this confirms the heroes are finally caught up. ALSO, Hawks is so fucking smart, as always. kinda wonder if things would have played out differently if All Might had let him in on the secret a bit earlier. probably that’s why Horikoshi made damn sure they didn’t find out until after the War arc lol

OH MY GOD YOOOOOO HAWKS OUT HERE ASKING THE REAL QUESTIONS

“anyone else wondering why AFO bothered to raise Tomura as his fake heir for fifteen years when he was secretly planning on taking over his body the whole time” YES, [raises hand] lmao Hawks where the hell were you when I was debating this “AFO is the final villain and Tomura is just his pawn” thing on multiple occasions over the past several years lol

lmao seeing them debate the metaphysics of OFA and all of its mystical bullshit is seriously surreal you guys

JEANIST HAVE YOU CHECKED OUT MY META TAG I HAVE WRITTEN SO MANY ESSAYS. I ACTUALLY WAS PLANNING ON WRITING ANOTHER ESSAY ABOUT THE THING THAT I’M PRETTY SURE HAWKS IS ABOUT TO BRING UP, BUT I NEVER GOT AROUND TO IT WHOOPS, BUT MAYBE I WILL NOW LOL LET’S SEE HOW IT GOES

yes!!

WHICH AFO FUCKING ENSURED HE WOULD BE BY LITERALLY PLANNING OUT EVERY LAST DETAIL OF HIS FAMILY TRAGEDY, FROM SECRETLY GIVING TENKO THE QUIRK TO MAKING SURE NO CIVILIANS OR HEROES WOULD HELP HIM UNTIL AFO FINALLY STEPPED IN. I’M 1000% CONVINCED THIS IS THE CASE YOU GUYS. NOT JUST BECAUSE I’M NOT A FAN OF “THE WORLD IS A FUNDAMENTALLY SHITTY PLACE, ACTUALLY” TAKES BECAUSE MISTER ROGERS TOLD ME TO ALWAYS LOOK FOR THE HELPERS, BUT ALSO BECAUSE IT LITERALLY JUST DOESN’T MAKE A LICK OF SENSE OTHERWISE. THEIR ENTIRE HOUSE CAVED IN FFS, YOU’RE TELLING ME NONE OF THE NEIGHBORS FUCKING OVERHEARD THAT SHIT AND WENT “UMMMMMMMMM” AND WENT TO SEE WHAT WAS GOING ON?? “DIDN’T THERE USED TO BE A HOUSE HERE, AND LIKE A WHOLE FAMILY, AND SHIT?”

LIKE I’M SORRY, BUT IT’S ONE THING TO SAY IT’S REALISTIC THAT NOT A SINGLE PERSON WOULD ATTEMPT TO HELP THE WANDERING TRAUMATIZED CHILD AFTERWARDS (WHICH I DISAGREE WITH AS WELL BUT AT LEAST THAT’S MORE SUBJECTIVE), AND IT’S A WHOLE OTHER THING TO ARGUE THAT IT’S REALISTIC THAT NO ONE WOULD BE FUCKING NOSY. LIKE THAT’S A WHOLE DIFFERENT LEVEL OF “THAT’S NOT HOW ANY OF THIS WORKS” ENTIRELY LOL. anyway tl;dr AFO is a piece of shit and Tomura’s entire worldview is based on a magnificently intricate and savagely cruel lie more at 11

anyway so after all that ranting it looks like that wasn’t even what Hawks was talking about after all lol. I just went off for absolutely no reason lol oh well. instead it seems that Hawks is suggesting that Tomura’s carefully cultivated hatred might not yet have actually reached “can defeat OFA” levels even after all of that trauma. interesting!

don’t mind me, I’m just sitting here while my brain furiously scrambles to put together all the parallels between Hawks and Tomura that it never noticed before until exactly this second. like I’m not even sure that was the intent here at all (I need to check out another translation or two lol), but regardless my mind decided that now would be the perfect time to make the connection between these two twenty-somethings who both had horrific childhoods and spent years being molded by their respective manipulative guardians, and developed eerily similar “laugh at everything because what else can you do” coping mechanisms to deal with it all hmmmmm

anyway so they were talking more about their strategy, but now all of a sudden Jeanist’s phone is beeping??

AND NOW WE’RE CUTTING AWAY TO ALL MIGHT AND HIS MIGHTMOBILE DAMMIT so that means the call to Jeanist was actually something important then!! WAS IT BAKUGOU OMG. DOES YOUR INTERN WANT A WORD FFFKLFSJK please it’s been so long I just need a little crumb or two to tide me over lmao have mercy

anyway so All Might’s following the GPS tracking device he’s apparently got planted on Deku (which in my conspiracy headcanons he’s actually had for a long time now, like since before DvK2 lol because HOW ELSE WOULD HAVE HAVE KNOWN THAT THEY WERE FIGHTING EACH OTHER IN GROUND BETA, PEOPLE) and thinking angsty thoughts about Deku’s sucky life

AND NOW ALL MIGHT’S PHONE IS RINGING TOO?? BAKUGOU HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE YOU CALLING. “WHERE ARE YOU HIDING THE NERD GODDAMMIT”

OMG

lol is he under attack or is he just finally giving All Might the slip like we all know he SECRETLY PLANNED TO ALL ALONG oh my poor dumb angstmuffin

OMG AHHHHHHH WHAT

DID ALL MIGHT JUST FUCKING DIE LMAO NO OF COURSE NOT, BUT WHAT

WHAT IS HAPPENING OMG

THE FUCK IS THAT. AT LEAST IT’S NOT A NAIL

OH IT’S A SPEAKER!! OMG DID THEY TAKE ALL MIGHT HOSTAGE

“THEY’RE HERE” WELP, TIME TO SEE JUST HOW SHITTY THIS SHITTY PLAN REALLY IS LOL

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

SHE!!!!

omg. AND OVERHAUL JUST CHILLING THERE IN THE BACKGROUND ALL “WHAT DO YOU EVEN WANT ME TO DO I’VE GOT NO FUCKING ARMS” YEAH GOOD RIDDANCE LOL

DOES THIS GIRL HAVE ONE GIANT LEG OR WHAT, LIKE WHAT’S THE DEAL HERE

-- HOLD UP WAIT, THE GUN IS HER ARM, HOLY SHIT SHE CAN TURN INTO A GUN -- OKAY HOLD UP BECAUSE I NEED TO SAY THAT IN BIGGER TEXT BECAUSE !!!!

YOU GUYS, THE COOL TARTARUS GIRL IS BACK AND HER QUIRK IS “CAN TURN INTO A FUCKING GUN.” THIS IS NOT A DRILL!! MY BEST GIRL MT. GUN IS FINALLY BACK ON THE SCENE WITH HER QUIRK “CAN DO ANYTHING A GUN CAN DO.” “I HEARD Y’ALL WENT AND NAMED ONE OF YOUR HEROES ‘GUNHEAD’ EVEN THOUGH HIS HEAD ISN’T EVEN A GUN, LIKE WTF IS UP WITH THAT LET ME SHOW YOU HOW IT’S DONE” DANG OKAY

lmao only fifteen pages this week, and STILL NO KACCHAN (THEN WHO WAS PHONE!!!), but man I don’t even care because finally we’ve got a cliffhanger that’s actually deserving of being a cliffhanger! hot dog. okay then

#bnha 311 #endeavor #hawks (bnha)#takami keigo #shigaraki tomura #best jeanist #all might #midoriya izuku #cool tartarus gun transforming girl #bnha #boku no hero academia #bnha spoilers #mha spoilers #bnha manga spoilers #makeste reads bnha

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caramelcal · 4 years ago

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You can’t sit

Request: Anonymous said:omg Can I Sit? was so cute sofmsmfmadmandma can a make a lil request based on it? like it’s their usual thing sitting together since that day, BUT one day nat arrives and somebody sat on her seat? retired assassin mode activated? 🥴

Word Count: 1.3k

a/n: OMGGGG, THIS!!!! this request, wow. amazing. i literally wrote can i sit back so long ago but yes, of course you can make a request! i’m definitely going to be taking more nat requests now omg, also wanda?? steve?? eye- oh lordy just anyone tbh

Also, just to clear something up, at the end it speaks about y/n waiting for nat to do something, that’s cause you’re too scared even though you know nothing bad would happen. (Trying to keep this ague but informing, it isn’t working)

Natasha walked towards the small coffee shop with a smile on her face, maybe a slight bit too excited to see you. You both had been meeting up at the coffee shop ever since, but the excitement buried in the pit of your stomachs never seemed to go away no matter how normal the meet-ups became. It was a nice feeling, talking into the late hours of the day, talking over the phone, and sending each other little flirty and joking messages.

The other avengers found out two months after you and Natasha exchanged phone numbers. Natasha, who was normally void of any emotion on her face couldn’t help the smile erupting on her face one time as she checked her phone during a break from training and, as usual, Tony felt inclined to ask. Despite Natasha shrugging it off, after a lot of careful watching, it became pretty obvious as to why Nat was suddenly 'too' smiley.

“So Nat,” Tony had asked, a sly smirk on his face as Natasha’s green eyes broke away from her phone and up to the billionaire, “Who’s the lucky guy?”

Clint tried to hide the laugh that traveled up his throat, it was very obvious that Natasha was not into men. Sure, she hadn’t outwardly said so towards anyone but Clint or brought a girl home, but you could just tell. Natasha placed the phone down on her lap, crossing her arms over her chest, “Why would you think there was a guy?”

“Come on,” Tony drawled, sassily rolling his eyes before he pointed towards the phone in her lap, “The smiles, constantly checking your phone. Sure, you didn’t really participate in conversations to begin with but at least you acted like you were listening. We’re pretty interesting people y’know, Natalia, but clearly, the guy on your phone is much more interesting.”

The rest of the avengers watched on, some sitting silently awaiting Natasha’s answer, Peter with wide eyes at the semi-interrogation and Steve with a raised eyebrow, completely oblivious to what was going on.

From the corner of her eye, Natasha saw Wanda’s eyes flash red briefly before she let out a small snort, “Oh this is going to be good.”

“There isn’t a guy,” Natasha shook her head, sending Wanda a sly smirk as Tony’s eyes furrowed and he opened his mouth to interject. Yet, before he could, Natasha continued to speak, “There’s a girl though. If that’s what you’re asking.”

Silence filled the room. Tony’s mouth dropped open, eyes wide as he stared at the redhead, many of the other avengers copying his movement.

His face was a picture that Natasha wanted permanently tattooed on her brain, Tony’s jaw practically dragging on the floor, eyes wide and stuck like a statue in shock. Natasha knew you would love the story and would find him finding out just as funny as you would, so as she pushed the door of the coffee shop open, an eager smile was on her face.

However, her smile dropped when she caught onto your figure. You were still as beautiful as ever, hair in a hairstyle she has often seen on you, yet it still blew her away every time she saw you in it. You had comfy yet stylish clothes on, and Natasha wished you’d wear it more often but her mind didn’t stay on that long; she was too busy trying not to snap the person’s neck that was sitting beside you. In her seat.

Your hand was grasped on the back of your neck, rubbing it awkwardly as you tried to get the boy in front of you away. You were shrunken against the seat, almost like you would rather the chair swallowed you whole than being in this position and hoping that Natasha would have come sooner. Because then he wouldn’t be in her seat.

He looked about your age, and from what you had heard from himself as he ranted on, he was in university too. He maybe would have been cute, but you didn’t like people that were full of themselves, and so far all he had talked about was himself, not even letting himself take a breath in between his sentences. Maybe he would have been more attractive if he was a certain redhead assassin, too...

The coffee shop was practically empty anyway, a few people dotted around, some studying, some on dates but there were still plenty empty tables. Natasha knew that you didn’t want him there, and she certainly didn’t. She would be damned if she let this boy ruin the time you guys spent together before your next class.

“Excuse me,” She coughed, arms crossed over her chest and tone clipped when she interrupted the boy. She saw the way you looked up at her, letting out a sigh in relief and letting a smile cross your face but the boy didn’t seem as pleased. He rolled his eyes, glaring up at the assassin.

“What?”

“That’s my seat,” Natasha stated bluntly, arching her eyebrow at the way the boy was talking to her. She would be damned if she let a little boy talk to her like that, especially one that was hitting on you.

He let out a short laugh, pretending to look around the seat before he looked back up at the older woman, “Don’t see your name on it, sweetheart. Plus, me and this lovely lady are having a great conversation here so if you could hop along that’d be great.”

His sarcasm definitely wasn’t welcomed by Natasha and you knew that, letting out an involuntary wince as he started to try and get Natasha riled up. However, Natasha kept her cool a lot better, at least she didn’t snap the boy’s neck, that was a plus.

She cocked her head to the side, sending the boy a sarcastic sweet smile, “Might not have my name on it, kid, but my girlfriend was keeping it for me before you stole it.”

It took him a few moments before his mouth fell open, letting out a stutter of shock before looking over at you. You, awkwardly, watched the two of them and seen the smirk that rose to Natasha’s lips as he looked over at you, “Y-You? Her?”

You nodded with a smile, tucking hair behind your head as he watched the two of you. Natasha, rolling her eyes, continued to speak, “Kid, get out my seat.”

He didn’t waste much time before he jumped up, shaking his head and grabbing his jacket. Instead of sitting at another table, or ordering something, he simply walked out of the coffee shop. His gaze was on his shoes, maybe trying to hide the blush on his cheeks either from the embarrassment that he was trying to chat up someone who had a girlfriend or in rejection. Probably both.

Natasha slid in beside you, taking you into a hug; one that not many people got to experience. You both held smiles on your face, glad to see each other and get to talk to one another in real life and not over the phone. It had been over a week since you guys had gotten to do that, so you both missed each other a lot more than you’d say.

“So girlfriend, huh?”

Natasha simply hummed into your neck in reply, making you let out a small giggle in reply, playing with the ends of her hair fondly. Even if you guys weren’t officially dating, everyone knew that neither of you would be against it.

You were just waiting for the day that Natasha would ask.

#natasha romanoff #Natasha Romonova #natasha romanoff x reader #natasha romanov x reader #natasha x reader #black widow x female reader #black widow x reader #black widow #marvel x reader #marvel #natasha romanoff x female!reader #Natasha romanoff x y/n

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sup-hoes-its-me · 4 years ago

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Emotion (Kakashi x Reader)

A/N: Kakashi again...can't get enough of this mans tbh. U r an empath due to your kekkei genkai and Kakashi has always been difficult to read. Friend to lovers. Sharing one bed folks, we got some steamyyy shit here. Angst warning as well.

Word count: 6000

He was always alone. Ever since his childhood, he walked the world completely alone with only a few people there to support him. No mother, no father, no mentor, no teammates. He was at the mercy of fate his entire life, things being stolen from him time and time again.

He just prayed that he could keep her. Y/N L/N, the only woman to have wormed her way into his heart and made a home there.

When they first met, Kakashi and Y/N, she cursed him for being such a weirdo. Apparently his mind was empty and his heart was seemingly full of sand. He was conditioned that way, and that is how he lived for the longest time. It wasn't a surprise for him to hear that.

But she thought it was stranger than anything she'd ever seen, and so she followed him. She would figure him out, bring him back down to Earth from his supposed high horse. That woman was determined, and frankly he didn't mind her being around. She was quiet enough that it didn't matter. Not to mention on the missions they had together, she was quite the partner.

Over time, she'd learned to read him like a book. It was part of her clan's kekkei genkai. The ultimate empath, I suppose. The ability to read a persons every single emotion and then turn that, if they so choose, into power.

She was never the greatest fighter, but her negotiation skills were the best they could possibly be. She would dive into the emotions of another and manipulate them backwards and forwards to get what she wanted.

It was overwhelming, walking into a room of people and immediately being bombarded with so many feelings coming at her all at once. Occasionally, if the situation was bad enough she'd have to take a seat and clear her mind, organizing each person in her mind like a filing cabinet of empathy.

But damn, did she try to weasel out every bit of feeling she could. It was just something that came so naturally, she couldn’t help but instigate whatever was brewing up inside him.

"Kakashi, if you're happy, you know you're allowed to express it. You don't have to hide it away," she told him, staring at the masked man sitting across from her at the table. He was watching as she sharpened her kunai, and she could feel the content running off his body in small bursts. He was feeling better. Better than he had in a little while. Of course she picked up on it.

He sighed, rolling his eyes. She was always reading him, he knew that. He just preferred when she refrained from mentioning it. It did, most times, feel like a bit of an invasion of privacy, how she could deep dive into the corners of his mind. There were things no one else could ever possibly know that she did. It was strange, but he was used to it.

"What? Want me to smile or something?"

"No, but you should let yourself go. Just drop the facade."

"Stop doing that. Getting into my head."

Quietly, she set down her blade and picked up the next one, taking a cloth and softly wiping away any dirt. Her eyes slide up to his for a moment, her all knowing gaze filling his vision. "It's basically impossible. Especially if you're the only one around. There's nothing else to focus on except you." He knew that. It wasn't like she had an on or off switch. That was the downside of this dojutsu. Unlike sharingan and byakugan users, hers was always pulling the strings of her brain.

"You've got that mission next week. With Naruto and a few of the other kids, right?"

"Yes."

"It's A rank, isn't it?"

She hummed in agreement. He had a habit of knowing about all her missions, more importantly being the dangerous ones. He wasn't necessarily scared for her, probably not. He was more cautious than anything. There was this nagging feeling in his head that he shouldn't let her go on these missions alone. That it was too dangerous for her to handle.

But he was wrong. She was stronger than he thought, and could hold her own in battle. He was just a worrier. He'd just lost too many, seen too many bodies in front of his eyes to trust. God, he wanted to trust her, but he couldn't. She was too vulnerable. His friend, one of the only ones who hadn't died yet. For all he knew, her days numbered, that's how paranoid he was about everything.

"You'll be careful?"

"That's a silly question." He gave her a look that said he was more serious than anything, and she sighed. "Of course I'll be careful. I have people that would miss me if I wasn't." He was one of them. She could sense his fear whenever she said goodbye and his relief when she returned. He really tried to remain objective, but his heart said otherwise.

And she would be a liar to say that she did not experience the same relief seeing him come home from missions, even if he was beaten and bruised to the bone, she was just happy he made it back. So many never got to come home. It was a sick world, they lived in, but she could relish in the little comforts.

"Don't worry about me. I'll always turn out fine. It's you and your dumb students we have to worry about."

"I hear you. Those kids are enough to drive a person mad." He rested his chin in his palm, the mere thought of those kids causing his blood pressure to rise.

"Thankfully my students never gave me any trouble. Sweet little things."

"Well, aren't you just lucky, Y/N?"

"What can I say? Kurenai and I got the luck of the draw with our students. You men had it rough, I have to admit," she laughed. It was funny that he was so unfortunate to have gotten assigned the Uchiha and the Uzumaki, two completely opposite but persistent forces. "Despite your perverted tendencies and your perpetual lateness, you still did a great job teaching them."

"Thanks. But do you really have to call me a pervert? I'm really not."

"Yeah? That explains why you read porn in public. Admit you're a pervert, you dumb old man."

"We're the same age-" he began to argue, but she just cut him off with her harsh words.

"Creep," she muttered, running the sharpening stone along her blade. He narrowed his eyes. She was being awfully annoying, and he knew she could sense his irritation building up. Yet she continued just to be a pain in the ass.

He warned, "Hey. Watch it, L/N."

"Okay, okay, I'll stop...Pervert." She ducked her head when his hand reached out to wring her around the neck for being so frustrating, and she continued to laugh. It was nice, having a friend she could joke with and be around without having to worry about what she said. He might pretend to be mad, but she could feel the happiness still rolling off his body thickly under all that fake neutrality.

He was happier than he'd been in a long while, and she found herself swelling with pride knowing that she might have helped make that happen. Her lips curled into the gentlest of smiles as she peered back up at him, and he found himself smiling back even if it was just through the mask.

He swore in that moment, he'd make sure Y/N didn't end up like all the others. She would live. He'd break this wretched curse just for her. He was sure of it.

______

"How could you be so reckless?! Do you want to die?" Kakashi shouted at his friend who could only stand there angrily, arms crossed over her chest and one foot in the other direction. She didn't need to be lectured by someone who took just as many risks every single mission as she did.

"Kakashi, I really don't want to hear it. You have no idea how it went."

"Yeah but Naruto does, and we were just talking."

She placed her free hand over her chest and exclaimed even angrier than before, "You're going to trust a kid over me? Naruto even?" It was just low to trust Naruto when she was right there to explain herself. Just let her speak for once, she wanted to say but he of course, had something else to say.

He waved his arm toward the ramen shop, eyes glaring. "Don’t be rude. He's right there. What is wrong with you?"

Indeed, Naruto was sitting inside Ichiraku with Jiraiya at his side, munching on pork ramen while the pair fought outside. Kakashi was eating with them, taking a break from his work to just relax with his master and student when out of the corner of his eye he noticed Y/N stumbling down the street on her crutch.

He heard when she got back home that she was in the infirmary for a couple days. He had no idea for what reason until Naruto explained to him what happened. She was being needlessly reckless on the battlefield, relying too much on her kekkei genkai and not enough on her brain. She threw herself right in the way of an enemy, for what reason, he didn't know. All he knew was that she could have died and she didn't seem to care one bit.

Rightfully so, he was mad. Normally he preferred not to make a scene in the open like this, but there wasn't anyone else around and he was red-hot.

She huffed. "He knows I don't mean anything bad by that. How could he not? I'm also his sensei, you know."

"Doesn't matter," Kakashi brushed off her words. "What you did was dangerous and you don't seem to care. Next time what are you gonna do? Run right into the arms of the enemy?"

"No, I would never. Kakashi, you're just being a jerk right now. I'm literally injured from the hip down and you have to yell at me? Jeez, just be grateful I'm alive, okay? Things happen," she tried to reason with him, but he didn't acknowledge it. He wasn't exactly feeling all that rational.

"Things don't just happen like that."

She groaned, "Well apparently they do, because it happened to me."

His eye narrowed and she noticed the way he clenched and unclenched his fists a couple times by his sides. Clearly he was just trying to channel his anger, but he really had no reason to be so upset. She hadn't done anything to him. He really needed to relax. "This is so like you L/N's. Always so emotional. Always thinking you're stronger than you actually are."

"Excuse you-"

"Get a grip, you aren't going to live forever."

"First off, don't interrupt me. Second, don't talk about my clan ever again, you hear me, Hatake? We don't live to please your dumbass," she cursed, how dare he say shit about her clan. That asshole. He was just being so...so unlike himself. She had no idea what had gotten into him, but she hated it and just wanted to continue on her way before he said something else stupid.

Normally, she didn't expect to be bombarded in the street nearly the second she leaves the hospital, but Kakashi never fails to surprise her.

"I've got to go. Don't bother following me." With that, she took off past him, rushing as fast as she could on her crutch, which was pathetically slow. Silently, she cringed at how ridiculous she must look waddling around like this in a fit of rage. Nevermind that. She had better things to do.

He huffed out the breath he had been holding to walk back into the ramen shop, taking his seat beside Naruto and slouching down into the stool. Immediately, Master Jiraiya met his eyes, wisdom about to drip from his tongue once again. "You need to go apologize."

"Why? She clearly doesn't want that right now."

"Well, to start, you insulted her clan which is a big no-no. Imagine saying that to an Uchiha. You're lucky she let you off so easily."

"Yeah, Kakashi. You kinda just attacked her out there in the street," Naruto added.

Jiraiya continued, "Mainly though, the longer you let her stay angry, the worse it'll be for you in the end. Trust me."

"She said don't follow her."

"And you're actually going to listen?" The older man laughed. "You and her fighting reminded me a lot of young Tsunade and I. And let me tell you, you don't just let a woman like that go. I sure did. It’s not a fun time."

"Yeah, Kakashi sensei, go find Y/N."

The jounin stood from his stool and slapped a ramen voucher onto the counter top to pay for his meal. This really didn't seem like a good idea, he had to admit. But he would trust the process. This was the author of his favorite romance series, after all. How could he get something like this wrong? To put blind faith into Jiraiya on realistic romantic matters was probably the not the wisest thing to do, but it was the only thing he had to go on. "I'll go, but this doesn't sound like good advice."

"If you let this go, she's might run into the arms of another man for comfort. Do you want that?"

Tch, there was no way she was gonna do that. She barely had any friends. If anything she would go see Kurenai. Still, he pulled back the cloth at the entrance and muttered, "I gotta catch up to her."

"'Atta boy," Jiraiya cheered, waving off the copy nin. "Another bowl, Naruto?"

"Yes, please!"

Kakashi walked down the streets, looking for the woman he was sent on a mission to find and apologize to. He searched through the shops and the stands for her, walked by her apartment no sign of her. It wasn't until he stumbled by the bookstore that he found her eyeing down the display out front, leaning comfortably on her crutch.

"Y/N," he called to her, and he watched as she tensed up without a second. He caught up to her, walking to stand beside her in front of the store windows. "I need to talk to you."

"What do you want?" She questioned, peering over at him with a quirked brow. He seemed calmed down by now. Thankfully. "Also, didn't I tell you not to follow me?"

"You did, but Jiraiya told me to apologize."

"So this isn't even on your own accord, you're doing it because Jiraiya told you so." He groaned. Of course she would twist his words and find some way to make things bad on his end. She was angry with him, what did he expect to happen? Her to accept him with open arms?

"Listen, I'm sorry for yelling at you. I was just overwhelmed."

"With what? I wasn't paying attention to anything but the anger." She picked at her finger nails in an attempt to remain casual, but really she was just itching to hear what he had to say. She was willing to give him a second chance, only because he was normally so sweet. This was just out of character for him.

He replied, "I was scared for you. Naruto told me about how you nearly died, and I was upset that you did that. I was upset because I could only think about what if you had been overpowered and the enemy killed you." His explanation was weak, but he hoped she would accept it as truth. He really wasn't lying. When he heard she was in the hospital indefinitely, he nearly had a heart attack himself. He worried for her every time she left on a mission without him. It just meant that if she failed, he wasn't there to protect her himself. He couldn't handle that thought.

"So you were worried?"

"Yes."

"Well, that's sweet of you, isn't it?"

"I'd miss you, you know. If you died."

She froze. That wasn't what she expected him to say. When she looked over at him, he was just staring into the storefront window, but she could feel the sadness in waves running off his body. She wobbled around on her crutch to face him, a hand getting coming up to rest on his shoulder. "It's okay."

"I don't want you going on missions without me because every time it scares the shit out of me thinking they'll bring you back dead. Every time. I don't know why."

"It's normal to worry for your teammates."

"It's not the same, and you know it."

"Ah." And she felt it. Even if it was just a little hint of something, she felt his infatuation roll off his body and she took it in like a drink of cold water. So refreshing. Was he attracted to her? She had no idea before this that he cared so much but from the sound of it, he had some strong feelings attached. She wanted to reach out and hug him, tell him it was going to be okay, but that felt too personal. Instead, she leant back and muttered, "You know, Kakashi, I worry about you too."

"It's good we both have someone who cares, right?"

"Right."

"Well, I should be on my way, but, uh, if you need some help getting up to your apartment-"

"I should be fine."

"Okay, good."

"Yeah, so uh, see you," she turned on her heel and started heading in the other direction toward her home when suddenly, his hand reached out to stop her.

"Wait, Y/N. I think..."

"What is it?"

"It's just that I need you. Please be careful from now on."

She stopped, turning around just enough to get a good look at his face. He only watched her, a glimmer of something she didn't recognize in his eye.

"As long as you take care of yourself too, Mister."

"Y/N, I…"

All she could feel was a rough fabric rubbing against her face for a second before the full picture came into view.

Mask to lips. I repeat, mask to lips.

She stared at him, as he kissed her right there in front of their favorite bookstore. When he pulled away after a second, he seemed just as shocked as she was. She pressed a hand to her forehead and struggled to find the right words to say.

Kakashi Hatake just kissed her.

And she definitely liked it. More than any other kiss she’d ever had before. She loved it. Mask or not, that was one of the best surprises of her entire life, and she honestly had no idea how to react. She settled for the easiest possible thing, running in the opposite direction, give herself time to think over what that meant for the two of them if anything at all. Kakashi wasn’t the type to have a girlfriend, he was always single. There just wasn’t room in his life for her.

There was plenty room in her life to fit him in comfortably. And there was more than enough room in her bed as well.

Flustered, with heat coming to sit in her cheeks and run up her neck, she turned and motioned in the direction of her home. She just had too many thoughts to sit here and pretend she wasn’t dying inside from the tension.

"I've got to run home now," she managed to say. "Well, not run, with these crutches and all, but you know what I mean."

"Yeah, I should be going too. I'll see you around,” he mumbled, running his hand through his hair and down the back of his neck.

"See you."

And into separate directions they went, just as confused as ever.

______

"Kakashi, I swear to God, if you don't stay on your side of the bed, I'm gonna-

"You'll what? Hit me? Go ahead. You're the one that keeps snoring."

"Shut up!" she exclaimed, rolling over in the bed and planting her fist directly in the middle of his chest. He didn't even flinch, she hadn't meant to hurt him anyway. She was just so annoyed. You would think that the stoic Hatake would be easy to sleep beside but no, he was a pain in the ass. He was rude. He was way too hot under the sheets. He still smelled like dog even after taking a bath. Just overall a bad experience, definitely 0 out of 10.

"What? It's the truth."

She groaned, throwing one of her arms over her eyes, burying her nose in the crook of her elbow. "Whatever. Don't ever mention my snoring again. It’s embarrassing me." She was self-conscious. She was usually so good at maintaining a cool and calm presence and now Kakashi was seeing that all crumble. Great.

"Fine."

"Can't you just stay on your side so we can both sleep comfortably?"

"Can't you just stop snoring so I can sleep comfortably?"

What a bastard. She could practically feel him snickering beneath his mask, and she felt frustration bubbling up in her chest. He was annoying. The audacity of this man, laughing and causing trouble in the night when they clearly had a mission to continue tomorrow. She could actually feel the delight radiating off his form.

She jumped up from her spot and threw herself onto the man beside her, attempting to make a vicious grab for the throat so she could maybe shut him up for just a few seconds. He dodged easily, taking her wrists in his calloused hand and lowering them to rest on his chest. Still, he continued to laugh at her. She felt like an utter joke sitting there on his stomach, looking at him through loose strands of her hair.

She grumbled under her breath, her cheeks puffing out full of embarrassment, "Stupid."

"Me? Stupid? Look at you."

She replied swiftly, "What about me? You're the one with that ugly grin on your face." Quickly, she snatched her hands out from under his to cross her arms over her chest. She rocked back a bit on her knees to get a better look at his indeed ugly face.

Except he definitely wasn't ugly, and that grin was more devilishly handsome than anything else. And honestly, she felt herself starting to get flustered in the position she'd put herself in. Of course she didn't hate Kakashi. He was one of her friends and coworkers. It was just that sometimes he could be casually attractive and she found herself falling under his spell.

He just looked so fucking good lying there, staring up at her with a glimmer in his dark eyes. She could see the smile outlined under his mask. His hands had felt warm and firm around her own fingers. She missed his touch, there she said it, any touch on her body from Kakashi Hatake felt like heaven. He was far too cute, and the soft contact between them drove her crazy.

She wanted to punch herself for thinking such silly things. This was Kakashi, one of her frenemies. Not boyfriend material. Stupid. Silly.

If only he didn't look so good, Jesus christ. Get your brain out of the gutter, Y/N.

Little did she know, his mind was already waist deep in those damn gutters and he was loving it.

"You really think that?"

"What? That you're ugly?" She asked, tilting her head to the side just a bit as if to think about it. Only a second later, another mischievous smile crossed her lips. "Of course."

He lifted his fingers to slid along her waist and down to her hips, fingers curling ever so slightly around her curves. She shuddered as his hands slid down to hold the sides of her bare thighs in his hands, his warm, strong hands with the softest fingertips. She wanted to die.

Had they kissed before? Yes. We're they somewhat romantically involved? Maybe. Did that give him any good reason to rest his rough hands on her thighs like that? Probably, and her thoughts were running a mile a minute at this point.

"Kakashi...stop that," she said softly, her voice lowering from how it was before. She suddenly felt a lot smaller, scared even. Hooking up with Kakashi wasn't something she planned on doing anytime in the near future, if at all. He was her friend, and she felt strange sitting in his lap with his hands all over her. It felt so right but wrong at the same time, like she was breaking the law. Well, laws of friendship that is.

She cared about Kakashi, more than she wanted to admit. He wasn't just a friend, he was something weirdly in between and she couldn't exactly put her finger on how she felt about him. All she knew was that if she was going to have sex with this man, it would be the right way. They would have to date first. She wasn't just gonna sleep around this time. He was different.

She wanted to impress him, to make him smile and laugh, to take him out to dinner and hold hands on their way home, to kiss at her doorstep. She wanted all of that before any of this.

His hands dropped from her sides and she crawled away from him, grabbing her blanket and cradling herself in it. "Listen, Y/N, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."

"I know, it's not your fault. Don't worry about it."

It was quiet. Just the sounds of both their breaths filling the air and the crickets chirping in the darkness outside. She shifted in her blanket to rest her head on the wall, leaning against it with her shoulder. He remained on his back, staring up at the empty ceiling tiles.

It was now so terribly awkward. Thanks, Y/N.

Finally, he broke the silence. "You, uh, don't snore all that much. I was just teasing you."

"Thanks," she exhaled. "You're not as ugly as I said."

"I know."

Wow, Kakashi. So modest.

Her words fell right into place as she spoke, emotions slipping out with each breath. She looked at his profile in the dark, the way his bedhead stood on end, his nose pointed upward and his lips sat calmly, the curve of his chin under the edge of his mask, the way his eyes just sat there unmoving and gentle, brows soft above the eye. She took in all of him as she confessed, "I just don't want it to be like this. I don't want to fall for you this way."

"I get it."

"I just think that you and I could be something different. You're not like the other guys to me, at least, I don't think of you that way," she took a deep breath. He still stared deep in the ceiling, and somehow it made her comfortable enough to confess everything she'd been feeling. It was as if he could just lay there and listen without words forever. "I don't want you to just fuck me before we really...well I don't know, we've never even been on a date. I...I think I'm ready to fall in love with you."

"Then let's do it."

She peered over at him, lips agape with surprise. She hadn't expected much at all, but certainly not that. "What?"

"When we get back to the village, I'll take you on a date, more if things go well. We can take it as slow as you want," he told her, turning to lay on his side, facing her. He watched as she cuddled further into the comforter, only a peek of her face in his view. She was actually kinda cute through all those worn and torn layers. "I don't think I can let you go this time."

"Really?"

"Anything for you."

She ducked her head down to stare at the hardwood beneath her feet. She was overwhelmed by how nice he was being. Normally, it didn't go like this. Things normally got sexual so quick there wasn't even a chance for these sorts of conversations. It was just different with Kakashi. She could say no to him and expect better, because she knew he could deliver. "No one has ever treated me like this before."

He smiled. "Well, it's about time someone did."

"Can you hold me?"

"Come on." He lifted his arm up with the covers attached so she could crawl over and burrow herself next him, tucked right against his side. He rested his arm around her shoulders and held her close to his chest. Things were looking good for the both of them. Better than they had in a long time.

He wished this kind of thing could last forever. The beating of her heart, the laughter in her voice, the shine in her eyes. He just wished he could have bottled it all up and held it close to him for the rest of his life.

But he waited too long, and the opportunity slipped from his grasp.

______

The pair fought hard. Kakashi was better than her, everyone knew that. The enemy targeted her for that reason. It was clear as day that she was important to Kakashi, and the enemy quickly caught onto that. He was quick to bring the knife to her neck, pressing the woman’s back tightly to his chest. The blade stung her skin, already piercing the flesh from the bit of pressure he applied.

She cried out, feeling a trail of blood begin running down her neck. Her nails clawed at his arm, desperate to get him to release her from his clutches, but he persisted. One hand held onto her chin tightly, keeping her face from thrashing, and the other continued to apply more and more pressure into the blade.

For the first time in a long time, she found herself feeling unrestricted fear. She was scared. Scared for her life. She’d never been in this situation before, feeling so completely and utterly helpless like a deer caught in the headlights. Kakashi was right there, she should have known everything was going to be okay. After all, she had the village’s strongest veteran on her side.

It wasn’t the pain that caused the tears to bubble up in the corners of her eyes, no, it was Kakashi. The way his eyes darted over to the them, and she could feel his heart beginning to race, the hairs on the back of his neck standing on end, and the fear creeping up into his heart. He never wore his heart on his sleeve. He was so closed off, sometimes she could only get a wisp of emotion from him, especially the ones that showed such vulnerability.

Now it all seemed to come tumbling out like a landslide. She was drowning in fear, his and her own.

“Let her go,” he called out, practically pleading with the man across from him, but it was in vain.

“Like I’d listen to some filthy leaf shinobi,” the spy replied angrily. He felt so hot, burning up with so much anger she wanted to throw up. What had they done to upset him this badly? Her jaw was starting to ache from being held so tightly, and she swore she could taste blood running down her throat. This was bad. This was so terribly, miserably bad.

Kakashi stood there, his hands hovering at his sides, unknowing of what to do. She was already bleeding out all over the collar of her shirt. If he made a single move, the man could easily finish the job with one fatal swipe. The copy nin felt cornered. Hopeless. What was there left to do? He’d let the love of his life fall in the hands of some petty criminal.

Come on, think of something. Anything. Just think of something.

“What? You upset I’ve got your little girlfriend here?”

God, he was so desperate. The man taunting him didn’t help at all. He just felt himself spiralling deeper into hopelessness. He bargained, “Please, just let her go. I’ll give you whatever you want.”

It wouldn’t work though. This man was set in his ways, and there was no changing that. He came into this fight knowing exactly what he wanted to do. And he was going to finish the job.

“This is for what you shinobi have done to my people,” he sneered before she felt the knife dip further into her neck, sliding painfully across her throat. He dropped her head from his grasp, and as soon as he had, her body crumbled down to the ground. She collapsed in a bleeding heap on the dirt.

The criminal quickly ran into the forest behind them, getting lost among the trees and the bushes within seconds. None of that mattered though. Kakashi could only run over to her limp body lying there on the ground, sputtering and coughing on thick blood filling her throat and lungs. Her cheeks and lips painted red now from spitting so much up. He fell to his knees beside her body, and for the first time in a long time, he felt a tear drip down his face.

She cried, hot tears running down her cheeks into the dirt on either side of her head. She cried for her pathetic self, having been attacked and injured in this way. She cried for Kakashi, feeling the pain and sadness, the panic, radiating off his form. She took in every emotion he was feeling, wanting to savor being with him for as long as she had, to fully take him in one last time.

“Y/N, it’s gonna be okay,” he whispered, his hands running over her hair and cheek, smearing blood on her skin and his fingers. “We’ll bring you back to the village. The Hokage can fix you.” His words were so soft into the air, like if he spoke any louder he would hurt her.

They both knew that none of what he was saying was true. She was as good as dead.

She lifted her hand weakly to sit on his other hand. “I…” The woman took a labored breath.. “Love you, Kashi.”

“No, no, no. Don’t say that,” he hushed her, feeling his heart grow heavier in his chest with every second that passed, every look at her bloody neck and face, her laboring chest as she took hopeless breaths. He was falling apart in this moment, desperate for fate to change, for her to magically be better. He choked, “You can’t die, Y/N.”

“It’s okay.” Her words were slurred and hard to hear, liquid bubbling up in her throat to the point she was almost incomprehensible. “I love you,” she confessed once again. She wanted those to be her last ever words to him, the words he would remember for the rest of his life. To know someone out there loved him more than anything else.

He had to know that he was her everything. He was the best thing that ever happened to her, and she was going to miss him so terribly wherever her soul went after this. She just wished there was more time to tell him everything she felt. Yet, time was passing faster than she thought, and all those words felt impossible.

“I love you, too. You have to live for me. Just keep breathing, it's going to be okay.”

“It...hurts.”

More misery erupted his chest, and he found himself wanting to scream. Tears dripped steadily down both his cheeks now as he watched this woman die in front of him, one of the only people he truly needed in his life. “I know, baby, I know. I’m sorry I let this happen to you.”

She nodded faintly, her eyes beginning to close. He was starting to panic. Was this his last moment to say goodbye? Their time together was so short, how was this fair? He’d already lost everyone he ever cared about, and now this? He felt like the gods were laughing down at him and his misfortune.

“You were the best thing that ever happened to me. I don’t know how I’ll do this without you.”

She didn’t respond, but she was still breathing.

“Y/N, please.”

And he watched as her chest fell still and her labored breaths were silent on his ears. He found himself gathering her form up against his chest, her head cradled in the crook of his neck, just sobbing into her hair, weeping for a long lasting love gone in an instant.

He carried her body home that day himself. Something he never anticipated happening, but should have prepared for. He always thought he was going to watch as someone else carried her home to him, death long gone before he had the chance to see. He never thought it would be right in front of him. He thought he could protect her, save her from the clutches of fate. He was so wrong.

Kakashi was alone once again.

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incorrect-ikevamp-quotes · 3 years ago

Note

How about B, I, L, U, V for our big boi Theo? :3c

Sure thing, bub!! Theo hcs coming right up! 💙💙💙💙

I really hope you like them!!!! :3c

Fluff ABCs Template here for requests

Body -- What is his favorite part of her body?

Do y’all have any idea how hard it is for me to answer this letter without making this horny hours.

ANYWAY losing my mind because my instinct was to respond with “her tears.” And then my brain was like. Minnie that’s not a part of the body…that’s not how any of this works…But let’s pretend for a moment like I am valid, shall we?

No cap, I die on this hill. And my answer comes in two parts. The first reason tears destroy him like nothing else is because of how much she feels for the van Gogh brothers tbh. I think Theodorus is very accustomed to their situation being seen through a lens of indifference, a kind of “oh well, what can be done ¯\_(ツ)_/¯” especially. While he may argue that he’s used to it, he’s full of shit. It hurts every time–even more so because people are being dismissive about the person he loves most in the world (other than her, of course.) He’ll be silent for the most part, usually pretty stoic if those things come up, but the way her eyes glisten with tears just undoes him. He feels stupid to be so affected, but it’s something else entirely when somebody actually gives a damn. Somehow it's harder to keep his composure under that gaze...

The second reason is more about teasing. He can’t resist getting a reaction out of her sometimes, or seeing her brought to frustrated tears. That lovely blush overtaking the tips of her ears and face, to say nothing if it happens during nsfw hours. They make her face shine, a visible manifestation of all the emotion he tries so hard to deny–to run from–that it just moves him like nothing else. Where he can't find words or proper expression, she always does. Leonardo said once that a single glance at that man and you can tell he’s in love with art. And he was right, save that that kind of passion can be found in him again in moments like this. Alone, driving her to madness and pleasure.

It’s the part of him that belongs to her, and her alone.

Injury -- How would he act if she got hurt?

Lmao call Vincent instead of Theo if you actually want anything productive to be done about it.

I’m KIDDING mostly but to be honest I think he has a hard time hiding his distress when MC is hurt. If it’s something small he’ll try to play it off as mild irritation, muttering about oblivious hondjes and how she needs to be more careful. If it’s something like a bruise or a bandaged cut–maybe she bumped into something–he’ll just clumsily try to pat the pain away. Don’t try to hide it from him either because he has eyes like a hawk and will expose you. He’ll be a dumdum but it’s really sweet because he’ll be so gentle over such a tiny wound (it always amuses Dazai so much) that all the men will have to kind of hold back laughter. They don’t mean to mock the guy but he takes it so seriously it’s a little bit funny. Vincent is so unironically proud of him for being sensitive though and it’s enough to make a girl cry TwT

If it’s a very serious injury I am sorry but you are getting nothing but probably a panic attack from him. He doesn’t really do well with even the slightest suggestion of losing a loved one, so if she breaks a bone or experiences excessive bleeding–whatever the risk may be to her life–he is fighting to stay in control of his body’s response. He’s trying so hard to be strong for her, but he can hardly breathe and his vision is a little fuzzy and did they say she would be unconscious for a few days? Needless to say he’s a bit of a mess. Ideally, Vincent would do his best to help the guy stabilize while he waits for things to improve, but it’s touch and go for a bit there.

When she wakes up, he needs as much gentleness as she does in many respects. The stress attacks and constant distress have just resulted in so much tension and exhaustion, he doesn’t even have the energy for any verbal swipes at anyone. (I was going to say “he’s just a big puppy” but the irony hit me so hard I literally couldn’t finish typing the sentence). He just really needs lots of kisses and hand holds and promises she isn’t going anywhere, completely unprompted. Not to be emo (WAKE ME UP) but he really needs to be brought back to life slowly, in a way. He’ll get better with some time and assurance that she’s going to make it, but oTL hondje please, he can only take so many heart attacks in one lifetime.

Love -- How does he show her he loves her?

He does not.

I’m KIDDING but I stand by the fact that he’s more of a show than tell type of guy. He has a really, really hard time verbalizing everything that he feels, so I think the person he loves would ideally have to keep that in mind. He’s lowkey but very classy, imo. Gets surprise flowers every once in a while, buys groceries after work all the time if she needs things at home, always reliable with taking care of their finances (and in general). I feel like the thing about Theodorus is that he’s the quiet romantic; he won’t smooth talk or endlessly go on about love, but when she needs him? He’s there. Come hell or high water. When things are hard, when things feel impossible, when life just feels like one slap in the face after another–he’s warm and there and steady, leading her by the hand.

He's very proactive about just about anything other than expressing his feelings directly, so write that down--

Upset --How does he act when she's upset?

LMFAO catch him crashing at Vincent’s place tonight, no thanks murderous hondje ain’t it for me, sorry sweaty.

All jokes aside, I think he’s the type of guy who just has no idea how to handle it. I mean she’s the one that’s usually pretty stable emotionally, so when she isn’t it tends to be a big deal–the cause of her foul mood has got to be sizable. While he may be stymied upfront, will most likely go after the root cause of her distress and kill it with a hammer when her back is turned. Nobody upsets his hondje (unless it’s him) and gets away with it. The man has two modes: kill and more kill, and so he uses the second one as necessary in these situations.

That being said, it doesn't mean he's completely bereft of sensitivity. If it's a more sorrowful kind of upset, he'll try to make time for a lot of cuddling and pampering. Get her things she likes to eat/drink, rub her back gently, put on a movie she likes (even if it's boring to him). He hopes that some care and a few little distractions will be enough to calm her soon. He loves his hondje best when she's smiling, after all ùwú

Vaunt -- What is he proud of? Does he like to show her off?

Oh my goddddddd. Bih. If this man suffers from a cardinal sin, it’s pride I swear. Even if he’s Mr. Bad Mood Stink Face he will literally never say a bad word about her. There are so many people convinced he’s deadass got some kind of disorder because he has scary face, but also looks so delighted at the same time it's terrifying. Gets all puffed up about what a hard worker she is, how talented, how he couldn’t have done any of this without her. Even when he’s roaring drunk, now he just rambles on and cries about how much he loves her and Vincent and it’s beyond hilarious. Would throw down for her, would die for her, would steal a clown’s balloon for her–you name it.

She can do absolutely no wrong, so write that down.

Has a love hate relationship with showing her off (in the more blatant way) though because. Homewrecking. Does she look lovely in that dress? Undoubtedly so. If he sees one more gross lustful/covetous gaze directed at her though, he’s just gonna leave with her in tow. (He would throw hands but she doesn't like that.) Y’all know the whole Lord of The Rings’ “My p r e c i o u s” thing? That’s his vibe LMFAO. Depending on his mood he will either be like "hell yeah that's my wife you jealous bih, I'm the luckiest guy ever ik now buzz off" or he will just get more and more lowkey steamed until they leave.

#ikevamp #ikemen vampire #ikevamp theo #ikevamp theodorus #ikevamp fluff #ikevamp headcanons #ikevamp fluff headcanons #yall i laughed so much writing these this disaster fk kills me #the way he is just so #no💙#he's literally just that friend where you ask them to do smth #he says no #and then does it immediately #an angy legend we stan #pls enjoy all you theo thirsters #and ty for the request sweetums!!!! welcome anytime~#rambles #not incorrect quotes

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unreasonablebehaviour · 4 years ago

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Pls take this random assortment of dsmp “hcs” (which is actually just me rambling out my ass but we love to see it//)

—————

- Sam just like gets really fuccn energetic in a thunderstorm... like just hyperactive but also like v strong..... also immune to electrocution :)

- He’s also like all creepers are, shit terrified of cats which is v funny considering he’s sorta friends with ant

- Even funnier if u want to take the ‘canon’ fact of ant being a whole ass 20 feet tall

- Speaking of ant and this absolutely isn’t a hc but I just find it very funny that people draw humanoid versions of all of the non human characters EXCEPT for ant who I have only ever seen drawn as a cat ghgh

- Bads skin colour is deadass vantablack like if he holds his hand in front of his face it just seemingly vanishes and you can’t pick out where his hand ends and face begins

- I want him to look terrifying.... like absolutely massive a complete unit of a man, sharp ass teeth, sharp spikes and horns, sharp claws, white glowing eyes........... but he’s just like “owo” at all times ghgh

- Skeppy has chronic pain from the diamonds growing inside his body and out of his skin... sometimes he ramps up how cheerful he is to try and hide how much pain he’s in that day

- Ranboo’s body is longer on his enderman side and so he physically can’t stand up straight unless his shorter leg is on a slope

- He’s half silverfish... mainly cause I think that’s funny like hehe both those and endermen are linked to the end/stronghold and can break blocks

- This does also mean he joins bad and skeppy in the ‘help I am v spiky’ club tho

- Also also like absolutely none of his clothes fit cause his limbs are so disproportionately long so rip his ankles in the tundra I guess

- Shortza supremacy

- Sapnap... blaze boy..... I want him to steam when he angy...... v warm to the touch and all of the dteam lay on top of him when it’s cold lmao

- George is like some weird ass mushroom man.... like he looks completely human for the most part but he’s not he just never tells anyone cause he has the mentality of ‘well no one ever asked?’ Or ‘it didn’t seem important’

- When he’s in danger the surrounding plants try to help him (like lmao there’s a war goin on? Nah just take a nap and miss out so you won’t get hurt :) )

- Imagine how much funnier the lmanberg saga would be if schlatt just looked like his profile icon rather than his mc skin.... just cute tiny sheep man in a sweater... I think it’d be like that one gif of the teddy bear slamming its head onto the table to acquire angy eyebrows

- Dreams has symmetrical white patches down the front of skin... kinda like vitiligo but not? Like deadass pure white

- I also kinda just imagine him having creepy solid black eyes ghgh (haha it’s cause he’s possessed)

- He’s immortal and kinda just snapped tbh like half the reason his actions are so manipulative, selfish and drastic are both because he’s so desperate to have control over things in his life and because low-key he kinda hopes that people will find a way to kill him off or get rid of the thing possessing him (I just want a happy ending :( make him not evil pls my poor heart can’t take a non happy for everyone ending//)

- Puffy is fluffy :) I will not elaborate further

- Revived people have creepy blacked out maybe kinda glowing eyes.... paler skin.... scars and phantom pains from their injuries....

- Phil just deadass found Wilbur hiding inside a fridge and took him home with him... wil just assumed the fridge was his mom and Phil found it too funny to correct him

- Tubbo is a moobloom hybrid and all the bees love him ok ��

- I think it would be funny if dream just deadass can’t see shit through his mask rap considering all the feats he has done

- Phil is v old and ‘wise’ but is also fairly detached from reality as a result cause he can’t really remember what earlier parts of his life were like to understand how other people act

- I also think it’d be hilarious if he ironically had like 0 life skills... cooking? He’s shit at it. Sleep schedule? Never heard of it. Taxes? Isn’t that a state?

- The floors in the tundra trios homes are constantly being ruined by techno having hooves and Phil and maybe ranboo having claws... like u no how u can like dent and scrape a wooden floor with heels? Kinda like that

- Speaking of those three I also think it’d be very funny if they all collectively became useless or started fighting in the presence of a gold block cause like 👀 ‘oo gold/hehe shiny/hold block’ mentality

- Quackity can shapeshift.... but he’s like a ditto and always has the :] face.... mmm also maybe keeps any scars he has

- His ability to control this decreases the more he dies

- So like u could he talking to him and just suddenly he looks like someone else or like a weird mishmash of people and just hasn’t noticed lmao totally not freaky at all

- Literally non of the tundra trio are equipped for the weather like u have someone from the hot af nether, bird man who’d realistically be prone to hypothermia and someone who’s allergic to water like lmao why do yall live here what is wrong with you

- I want niki to just be very exasperated by this fact

- I want her to bake goods for her friends... tailored to their tastes.... cheer up food :)

- Also i forget when she changed her skin but I think it’d be very funny if she dyed her hair pink as an intimidation factor to tommy cause she knows he dislikes techno

- Puffy ily but I do not trust you with Tommy after the disaster that was bbh and skeppys relationship counselling

- The concept of the totems being foolish’s children is very funny to me like just the implication that he just leaves his kids in random chests for people to steal and that when they witness someone die they just explode with revive energy or something like w h a t

- Ghostbur either isn’t actually Wilbur and is just some entity pretending to be him hence the ‘poor memory’ OR him and limbo Wilbur are two halves of one entity

- I just find it v sus that he’s the only ghost that’s ever shown up... and regularly at that

- mmm tubbo hard of hearing.... relies on reading lips the best he can when to help clarify what people are saying but he can hear people well enough if they raise their voice quite loud

- cursed hc but what if ash and Zachary were somehow michael decendants and they like porkums cause he’s either originally a family friend or he just reminds them of stuff

- Ok half of these aren’t even hcs anymore and is just me rambling but who let Karl be in charge of the time travel he has such strong himbo energy

- That being said villain Karl when 👀//

- Why is tubbo like one of the smartest most accomplished people on the sever... he’s like 17..... like my man has been president, developed a new form of fast travel, has a family, developed a nuclear weapons program by himself, launched a man into space, developed a whole town and more .... like who let him have this much power he can barely read//

- I think it’d be funny if techno was just really bad at strategy games..... like ok technically he’s not bad at them but like he just spends 4 days analysing every last minute detail every round to optimise his chances of winning//

- I feel like people don’t give Jack enough credit for the fact he cheated death using nothing but spite

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shijiujun · 4 years ago

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I’m here with a zombie apocalypse (think Resident Evil level) + ABO danmei! I’m not usually a fan of ABOs tbh and I picked up this book for the zombie part and was surprised by the ABO part, but this one was a good nice balance between both. Surviving the zombie apocalypse still takes centre stage while the ABO part is more of a subplot/backdrop, but it’s cool all the same haha

Written by the author who wrote Swallowing the Sea (Tun Hai) & Breaking the Clouds (Po Yun)!

- Part of Min’s ‘Why You Should Read’ Series -

Summary:

In a world that has been overrun by a virus that turns people into zombies, Si Nan wakes up with no memory of who he is and what he’s doing in this rescue camp, only that he’s an omega that is scheduled to be air-lifted out of an affected zone to a safe sanctuary, where omegas are prized individuals meant to be protected so they can give birth and contribute to a new population, which has been decimated with attacking zombies globally.

He’s not sure who he is and what he was supposed to be doing, but his instincts tell him to not go along with these people, and he flees into the crowd of attacking zombies. Much to everyone’s surprise, he has strong combat abilities (despite being an omega) and manages to escape from the team and also the zombies.

He chances upon Zhou Rong, Captain of the 118 Retrieval Special Unit and his team during another zombie attack in a nearby city, and joins them out after his escape route is blocked. Si Nan hides his omega scent with suppressants he finds in a supermarket, and unbeknownst to him, he has actually met Zhou Rong before when they were both much younger in a different setting, before zombies were even a thing. Zhou Rong leads a team of beta soldiers, which die one after the other as they flee, leaving the team down to its last bullet and six members.

Si Nan decides to follow them for a while, and due to his skilled fighting prowess, he gains the trust of this team and the civilians they’re protecting. Zhou Rong also takes a liking to him, and so does another team member Yan Hao, while Si Nan mistakenly thinks that Zhou Rong and Yan Hao are a couple together instead. As they flee from one city to another trying to get back to the 118 base, they realize the situation and virus is worser than they thought. They have to fight to survive while also figure out who Si Nan is, and why he’s a wanted individual by authorities from another country.

*A pretty accurate representation of a zombie apocalypse I have to say, I had Resident Evil flashbacks when I was reading this, people start dying right off the bat, but nothing hurts more than 2ha so I only teared up at minor character deaths

Read:

Novel (Online) | Novel (Print) - December 2020 Print | Novel Translations

Characters:

1. 司南 Si Nan - Amazing pouty and fierce mix-blood blond-haired omega who has amnesia and doesn’t even know his own name. He sees some product in a convenience store where he meets Zhou Rong for the first time that has the words 司南 on it and decides that his name for now. Combat specialist and can take out a lot of zombies just on his own - he’s also immune to the zombie virus but they don’t know this until much later. He doesn’t go with the shady troop that rescued him initially, but with Zhou Rong because he’s intrigued by how brash and kind and a bit dumb this Captain is. Masquerades as a beta with the help of suppressants

He has a stepbrother (an alpha) who tortured him for many years due to Si Nan’s special condition and the mystery surrounding his childhood with his scientist mother and dead-but-terribly-revived father. Said stepbrother also wants to mate with him because he ‘loves’ him but is just insane af.

Si Nan actually met Zhou Rong when they were much younger before this whole zombie thing came along, and Si Nan actually pretended to be a helpless participant of the competition they were in and lets Zhou Rong help him, only to steal away the prize at the very last moment. He liked Zhou Rong a lot then, but due to him being taken hostage technically by his stepbrother and also his allegiance to a Western state (he’s mixed blood, stepbrother is American-ish) they were unable to be together.

He’s compassionate, but doesn’t show mercy to anyone who doesn’t deserve it. Like Zhou Rong, he wants to save everyone they possibly can, but they’re not dumb enough to think they can save everyone. As he travels with Zhou Rong and his team and other civilians, he starts to remember little things about himself and is caught by his stepbrother again midway through the novel, and just as he despairs that no one will ever save a monster like him, Zhou Rong turns up to do just that.

2. 周戎 Zhou Rong - Extremely confident, brash but handsome and strategic alpha Captain of the 118 unit, a special unit which was sent out a few months prior to the start of the book to clear out regions of civilians, but they lose touch with a major city and headquarters, and are forced to find ways to return to big HQ amidst unusual bursts of zombie attacks and a new strain of zombies who were infected without being bitten. Masquerades as a beta, like the rest of his team.

He loses a lot of his team along the way, and has to carry the burden of killing them before they turn at their requests, and also promising to find their families and take care of them for his dead team members. He wants to save everyone, but also knows that with dwindling supply to food, medicine etc. they can only choose their battles along the way.

Takes a huge liking to strong Si Nan, unknowing that he’s the boy he met and fell in love with when they were younger. Because of the competition then, despite Si Nan winning over him, he decides to openly court Si Nan after the competition, and brings flowers to go see him, only to see Si Nan being given a temporary claiming bite on the back of his neck by another man (the stepbrother). Dejected and devastated, his first budding love kind of ended there, and from then on he openly disses omegas as he thinks that Si Nan basically seduced him to deceive him, and that all the affection they shared during the days of the competition in the wild were fake.

After the truth about Si Nan is out, he does a 180 hahahaha, and Si Nan forgives him XD

3. 颜豪 Yan Hao - Another alpha-hiding-as-a-beta team member of Zhou Rong’s unit. After Si Nan saves him twice, he falls in love with Si Nan, not knowing that Si Nan thinks that Zhou Rong and himself are together. His feelings after are known to Si Nan, but Zhou Rong and he openly (and hilariously) fight for Si Nan’s affections. Zhou Rong is way more direct than Yan Hao is though, and Si Nan obviously likes Zhou Rong much more than he does Yan Hao, so naturally he was kicked out of the competition hahaha. He’s very sporting about it though!

Other Things I Like in the Novel:

Zhou Rong calls himself Rong-ge, asks everyone to call him that, he takes on the brotherly protector role in the team and amongst the civilians he rescued - Tells Si Nan to call for Rong-ge whenever he’s in danger and he’ll turn up - So there’s a part where Si Nan is bombarded with his memories while he’s about to be kidnapped by his stepbrother and also chased down by incoming hordes of zombies, and he yells out for Rong-ge, and Rong-ge really turns up ;-;

Si Nan is pouty and glowering all the time, a bit cold and aloof at other times, but he’s always drawn to Zhou Rong’s warmth

After they confirm their feelings for each other and spend his heat together, they are literally inseparable, like forever holding hands and looking out for each other like they go from flirty at 20% to 200% as a couple midway through the novel

Si Nan kicks ass, all the time! He’s super good at fighting

Zhou Rong promises to get Si Nan a huge rock as an engagement ring but he spends all his check on the families of his dead team members at the end of the novel, and Si Nan teases him, “So what are you going to use to afford my ring now huh?” Also, they’re just recovering from the zombie apocalypse so the commercialisation of marriages will once again have to wait, but Zhou Rong literally does turn up with a bigass ridiculous diamond ring (from where they raided a diamond ring story during a mission) and presents it to him

Yan Hao always teases Si Nan for how he thought him and Zhou Rong were together, because both men are always rough-housing and fighting like actual brothers than lovers XD

Yan Hao tells Zhou Rong that they should compete fairly for SI Nan’s affections, and Zhou Rong rolls his eyes and grabs Si Nan over and kisses him full on on the lips while Yan Hao splutters in defeat

The novel depicts deaths and helplessness really, really well. LIke seriously, I almost couldn’t finish it but it’s actually a pretty nice novel that doesn’t focus entirely on the doom and gloom of the apocalypse

#不死者 #the undead #huai shang #danmei #danmei recs #min's why you should read #zombie apocalypse #also abo #but they don't focus a lot on the abo like the mechanics of it #OKAY one more to go!

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bookofmirth · 4 years ago

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I haven't read ACOSF yet, and tbh I'm rather rusty with the characters but it was really interesting to read your opinion on Elain! I feel there's a lot of complexity to her. And how she presents herself as well because as you said we literally have no chapters from hers or Lucien's POV and I think that's the important point to note because right now we're all just guessing and assuming her to be like Feyre, but she's not. People deal/show their traumas in different way and l think people expect Elain to deal with it as Feyre did. But, Feyres trauma and Elains are very different!

I don't really know what I'm saying. But I read your answer and it made me go 'oh... Huh!' in a good way, it sparked my curiosity! So thank you! But I think Elain perhaps is the most complex person with their trauma. I know people say 'oh Nesta is so different' but (I specialised in drama therapy so I love psycho analysis) and what Nesta did is self destructive to prevent relationships to avoid hurt or more emotions that she doesn't want to acknowledge (in my opinion!)

Elain just shuts down. She doesn't drink, she doesn't screw, she just remains in her garden which in itself says a lot! That's a very grounding way to handle trauma and not a lot of people are aware of that side!

So yeah I don't know what I'm saying but I think it's a really interesting discussion!

I have so many thoughts about Elain! This took me a few days to get to because i knew I had a crapton of thoughts. So this is basically me using this ask to explain the way I see Elain post-acosf!

There are three important scenes in acosf off the top of my head: when Elain talks with Nesta and they fight, and then with Nesta and Feyre and she gets mad and leaves, and then Feyre and Rhys talk about her in their chapter. We’re getting a lot more information about her, and for me, it wasn’t so much about who she is, but why we don’t know who she is.

So far, what we’ve had is Feyre’s and Nesta’s POV. Even when Feyre and Lucien tried to help her in acowar, they were unable. So we’ve never had anything about Elain from someone who didn’t grow up with her and experience the same trauma (such as becoming destitute, their mother’s death, their father being beaten, the Cauldron, etc.)

The sisters do handle it very, very differently. And I think that at this point the fandom consensus is that Elain runs away from her problems, but I actually disagree, and partly because of what you mentioned - that she isn’t using those self-harming, destructive coping mechanisms. Nesta was avoiding her problems, hardcore. It’s absolutely possible that Elain avoids things, but I don’t think that she just runs from all of her problems because:

Elain grieves her father. Openly. She tries to accept the fact that it wasn’t her fault and that she couldn’t do anything about it. (See: her going to his grave in acofas, her first talk with Nesta in acosf.) Elain does not run from her grief, she doesn’t pretend it doesn’t exist, and she doesn’t hide it from others. As one of the most defining events we’ve seen her go through in the series, that’s a pretty big deal.

Elain does not cling to unhealthy coping mechanisms. There could be ways that she does this that we are unaware of. She does seem like the type who would be really, really good at making people think she’s okay, all while she’s silently imploding. But we don’t know that yet?

Elain does not isolate herself.

However, Elain definitely needs to deal with some stuff! She definitely needs to deal with Lucien, and she needs to have an actual talk with Nesta because I don’t remember a single satisfying resolution between those two in acosf. Not like Nesta had with Feyre.

I have this idea that is purely based on Elain’s line in acosf:

“I went into the Cauldron, too, you know. And it captured me. And yet somehow, all you think of is what my trauma did to you.” (pg. 233)

And then Feyre tells Nesta that yes, Elain was right.

This is so so so sossosososos important. I cannot emphasize it enough. Elain is used to putting on a fake, smiling face because she doesn’t want the weight of her sisters’ concern. She has been pretending to cope for so long - and tbf, she seems to have been doing better than Nesta - that people not only forget that she has suffered, but she doesn’t feel like she can even express that suffering.

Emotional labor often means negating one’s own feelings in order to acknowledge or tend to someone else’s. And that is Elain’s major role, in the series. Feyre has been caring for everyone’s physical wellbeing (hunting), while Elain’s role has been to care for everyone’s emotional wellbeing. But, like with most emotional labor, it has gone unnoticed.

I’ve made posts about emotional labor in the past (four years ago!!!!) but I’m gonna spare you the link because a lot of it was about a ship that’s no longer a ship, so here is the relevant content:

What I am talking about is the regulation of emotion - any time that you give comfort, are especially attentive to someone’s needs, stop thinking about how you feel in order to focus on how someone else feels, try to cheer someone up, make sure that they are taking care of themselves, try to allay their insecurities, etc. Basically, helping them with any sort of emotional distress.

You know those posts you’ve seen, about women protecting men’s egos constantly? Or about making time for self-care? Or about recognizing toxic relationships? That tell you “if X is being demanded of you in a relationship, get out”? Those are ALL about emotional labor, broadly speaking. They are warning you not to do more than you can handle, more than you need to do, because it can be harmful to you.

If you have ever been expected to make a person or people feel better any time you are around each other (including when they are angry, upset, anxious, ill, frustrated, insecure, etc.), you have performed emotional labor. Pretty much everyone has done this at some point, unless you are a completely insensitive jerk.

Notice, though, that I said expected to and any time you are around them – this is where the problem comes in for YOU. This is not about just being there for a friend.

Making loved ones feel better is fantastic. Seeing people be polite and kind to one another makes my heart shine. That is not a problem in and of itself. That can be seen as emotional labor, but there are no requirements on you in those circumstances. This is something you are doing of your own free will.

The problem, again, is when this is expected, constantly, over time. Now, in my experience, the expectation is not necessarily coming from the other person. One of the problems with this type of labor is that not only do others expect women to perform these tasks, but women expect it of themselves.

It’s super easy to see this – who is expected to take care of a child when they fall? Who is expected to baby-sit? Who did you want when you were sick as a child, mom or dad? Who is expected to be sensitive and pay attention to others’ emotions?

For more info on this idea specifically, read Of Woman Born by Adrienne Rich. As a woman, I realized how much work I had been performing and how much it was harming me and I just… got real upset. She comes at this mostly from what a woman’s role is expected to be within the family, and might actually be a bit outdated in that respect because I feel like family structures and dynamics are shifting (that is a totally un-academic evaluation of the situation, don’t quote me on that), but still, it’s really informative.

While I was doing some research for this post I came across a peer-reviewed article about nursing and basically, high amounts of emotional labor led to anxiety and burn-out in those performing it. It literally will cost your mental health – not to mention your time, energy, attention, and it often requires you to ignore your own needs (this last part came from me, not the article). On the other hand, high levels of emotional intelligence (being able to recognize your own and others’ emotional states) meant less emotional labor (and therefore less anxiety & burn-out). One of the most important things to realize is that while you are taking care of someone else’s emotional needs, your own are frequently unmet. That is why it’s important to recognize this in yourself, not just in these characters.

So where does Elain fit in? Elain is the #1 emotional labor provider of the family, and she is about to freaking SNAP. I know, because once I realized how my trauma was hidden in order to spare someone else its consequences, I fucking SNAPPEd. I’ll also spare you the personal details, but Elain hasn’t been “okay”. She hasn’t been “boring”, or “nice”, or “chosen” Feyre over Nesta. She has literally been unable to express herself because (and I am NOT blaming Nesta or Feyre or her father one bit) her family’s emotional state has been so fragile, there hasn’t been room for Elain to feel or express her emotions in years.

In the feysand short, Rhys says:

I wonder if everyone has spent so long assuming Elain is sweet and innocent that she felt she had to be that way or else she’d disappoint you all.

And that completely tracks. Everyone has gotten used to Elain being not just “nice”, but being the emotionally predictable one. The one they know they can go to for a smile. The one they can count on for never, ever making them realize that she has been through Some Shit Too. And being that person is exhausting.

When Feyre thinks about Elain not using Lucien’s gloves, 1) she still has them, otherwise she couldn’t think about Elain not using them, and 2) I like to see the gloves as something that she will come to use, once she realizes that she can feel and express those emotions without it causing a breakdown in the family. Right now, she just wants to feel. And she can’t do that emotionally, so she’s doing it physically. Once she heals and finds a better balance, she won’t need to resort to physical pain. (Which, lowkey has me thinking some other thoughts, but.... maybe later.) But anyway, once Elain does go through her very own special journey, I fully expect her to welcome those gloves. She won’t need physical pain to feel anymore.

Not to mention my completely unacademic and non-professional opinion that people will judge a nice women harshly for being rude once, but accept a woman with a history of rudeness for just “being that way”. It’s another way that Elain may feel trapped in her “nice girl” persona. I think she started out that way - kindness and light and generosity is 100% in Elain’s character in the first place. It’s not as if she went into the Court of Nightmares and suddenly Cassian thought, “wait, she fits right in to this shithole of depravity”. No, he still thought the literal opposite. It’s just that once people get used to you doing all their emotional labor, they will continue to take advantage of it, even if they don’t realize its cost.

#elain #acosf #acosf spoilers #spoilers #ask #PHEW I needed to get that off my chest too #midnight-wonder

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rackartyg · 3 years ago

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read through my autism evaluation for the first time in years. feel real bad, predictably.

it’s like. it’s full of what my parents said about me. but it took them three years to notice i was being bullied. i had a stomach ache every single night. (i still do. phantom pains. can only sleep on my front because of it.) i’d come home from school and just burst into tears. but i was evaluated for celiac’s and lactose intolerance before, by happenstance, my dad saw the other girls at school running away from me and laughing when i tried to say hi, and realised what was actually going on.

so forgive me for not trusting their judgement overmuch.

i spent my childhood lying and lying and lying and i still do. my assumption has always been that if something is hard, it’s because i’m doing it wrong and it’s all my fault and that’s all i’ll be told if i mention it to someone else. so i just never did, because what was the point?

i lied to my parents. i lied to therapists, god, so much. mostly by omission, but still. i don't like people knowing me. it's none of their business, and they wouldn't care, anyway, and if i don't present it exactly right, they get angry, even though they asked.

i never told anyone it hurt to write and that was why my handwriting sucked, because i just figured it was supposed to and i was weak. it doesn’t mean anything that my parents never knew about it and i only started talking about it as a teenager. they know more about me now than they ever did, because i’ve made an effort to stop hiding things, because it took me that long to figure out it wasn’t supposed to be that way. and tbh they still don't know shit because i hate feeling judged.

so that makes me feel angry and condescended to. but i also feel ashamed. because i was given a test for young children at 15 years old and i knew that, so i deliberately exaggerated. i wanted the diagnosis and i’d already decided it was accurate, and the tests were so goddamned stupid.

some of it wasn’t fake. it felt like i just … turned everything off. stopped pretending to be a real person, as i’ve been putting it lately. (felt it real intensely when my grandmother called this morning. i put myself through the motions and i feel like an automaton, or an impostor.) but the bit that got them the most interested, where they stopped talking and waited for me to initiate, yeah, that took me five seconds to figure out, and it got me so mad because it was so unlike any real situation that would ever happen, so i just did what they wanted me to do: i stayed fucking silent. like. that test presumably works on a five-year-old. it doesn’t on a fifteen-year-old who, if she really “has” autism, would presumably be real good at masking.

i still feel so incredibly embarrassed about a thing that happened two years later, in high school. i was doing a group project with a couple girls from my class and we were making small talk and they were asking me about my programming class, which i really really loved. and i took it as them being actually interested in the subject matter and was halfway down the stairs to my locker to go get my laptop to show them that week’s project, before i realised that i’d been taking them too literally again and that they’d just been making small talk and doing that thing where you feign interest in someone else’s hobby, when you in reality actually don't care, to demonstrate interest in the person. i was so ashamed. i still am. i remember thinking something like, “why did you do this again? you know better!” but i’d gotten so caught up in how much i loved programming that i hadn’t thought about it.

my mother keeps telling me “don’t be so literal”. but literal doesn’t mean what i’ve always thought it meant, like literally (hah) not getting metaphors or sarcasm or jokes. i know those are not meant exactly as they’re said. i just can’t resist correcting something that’s not factually accurate, or not finding it funny because it's wrong, technically. and mostly it’s me thinking people actually mean what they say.

if you tell me, clean the kitchen, i’ll clean the kitchen because that’s what you said. how on earth was i supposed to know you just meant to tidy up and do the dishes? that’s not what you said! but “can you open the window?” is a turn of phrase and i’m not stupid. i’ll go open the window. but first i’ll have to resist cracking a joke like replying, “yes” and doing nothing, because you didn’t technically ask me to do anything. but i know what it means. it just bothers me that you’re being inexact.

god, and also, i used to be incorrigible about ending people’s sentences for them. it was boring waiting for them to find the words, when i knew them and wanted to know what their point was. took me a while to figure out you can only do that with people you know, otherwise it’s rude. and even when it's people you know, it kinda has to be a joke at your own expense. otherwise people get offended, like they think you don't want to listen to them, when really, it was the opposite.

or correcting people when they didn’t ask. it felt ruder for me to not correct someone. i'd want people to correct me if i was wrong! but you couldn't do that either, i learned. (it took me even longer to understand that most people just don't care about facts, or truth, or accuracy. words are just noises they make to express sentiments or connect to other people. they don't actually care about what they're saying, in the sense i do.)

for a while, i’d do it like it was a joke, like “oh there she goes again, being such a pedant”, so i could do it without offending anyone because i was making fun of myself, which was always okay. nowadays i’ve mostly just stopped. i've learnt to not let it bother me so much. but my family still teases me about it, years later. their daughter the language pedant. haha, look, she messed up an adjective comparation.

something else they bothered me about during the evaluation was special interests. i guess they were correct about that one? i tend to have really intense interests that i get obsessed with, but not to the point where i'm neglecting other things, and it usually only lasts a few months at most. i believe that's more adhd than autistic. but my childhood can be divided into these phases: dinosaurs (i had this purple dinosaur book with little articles on all the species that i had my parents read to me as a bedtime story, and i got so annoyed if they mispronunced any of the names, god, where's that gone? i loved that book), astronomy, greek mythology, horses.

(when i was around 5, i had this really bad period with my asthma, where i got a nasty cold and my parents had to wake me up at night because otherwise i might suffocate in my sleep. i remember one night, my dad took me outside to breathe easier and we sat on the steps outside the garage and i was wheezing pretty bad and i was so scared, and to distract me, dad pointed and said, "look, the stars are out!" and i looked up and i forgot about my shitty lungs and started pointing out constellations. it's one of the nicest memories i have.)

(also, i fucking love spreadsheets. just in general.)

it kinda fizzled out around age 13, at the same time as my first depressive episode started. after that, it's mostly been different fandoms and they've never lasted for more than a few months. but i think, if it's a special interest, low points are supposed to make them even more intense, right? and it's not like that for me.

(i'm back on greek mythology right now. i'm reading percy jackson and playing hades and listening to music inspired by myths, and making my homebrew dnd world's pantheon more like the greek one. but it's only been just under a week and it'll fizzle out once i run out of camp half-blood books, probably. which will not take long if i keep going at this pace.)

also, stimming. "repetitive movements" as they called it. none observed, it says in the evaluation, which is probably true. i have a few things i do, like feeling really wrong if i sit straight up and down and don't have some sort of pressure on my legs (i always cross them), or worrying at my hands when i'm anxious or trying to think. i kinda subtly sway in place when i'm either content or upset, too, and tilt my head. a few things like that. but nothing too obvious and i don't think i ever have. most of it is anxiety stimming, too, which everyone does to some degree, i just have an abnormal amount of anxiety. but idk.

i just. my brother got diagnosed with both autism and adhd a couple months back. i've been saying he's adhd for almost a decade at this point, so no surprises there. trying to convince him to try meds atm. but like. we're so similar. i've just always been so angry at him because i put so much effort into hiding everything that he just puts on full display because he doesn't care. but you're not supposed to do that! how dare he do that when i try so fucking hard every single day. because people hurt you when you do it wrong.

but the official people in the white doctor's coats (they weren't actually wearing coats. they were wearing mostly cardigans, i think. yes i am making this joke on purpose please laugh) said i don't have anything wrong with me, because my parents said so and i got 130 points on the iq-test. i just feel different because i'm smart. so shut up and be normal. you have no excuse. (they didn't say that either, but that's how it felt.)

like. my reasons for wanting a diagnosis were so shitty. i wanted to have a name for why i felt like a space alien. i wanted there to be a reason. i wanted a word, because i love those. i wanted there to be something wrong with me, so i had a reason.

(my oldest story, one i'm still telling, was about a different world with a dead goddess, who was reborn as me. and one day the other gods would discover where i was and come take me back to the other world, where i'd belong. they'd explain to all my bullies who i was and they'd cry and feel sorry and want to be my friend. she was an air goddess called aynysos and i've never been religious, but i prayed to the wind a lot. i wanted it to pick me up and take me away, or at least lead me in the right direction.

it changed as i got older. then i imagined the shapeshifters would come get me, the wardens of humanity and magic, and then this world would be destroyed as i watched, and in their final moments everyone would feel so sorry and be just as scared as i was, and then they would be disintegrated. and i would go to a world with magic where nobody expected me to be human, like in my books.

i tried to talk about it with my mother once, this feeling of not belonging. she said everyone felt like that. it made me angry at the time, but, y'know. she was right. my fantasies were pretty typical. still. i've been telling and re-telling that story over and over. the shapeshifters are still around in my head, still saving kids. just not me.)

maybe it is just the bullying. maybe it is just the iq. maybe my hot take/pet theory is true and neurodivergency is way more common and diverse than it's thought to be and only some expressions, or degrees of expression, are considered incorrect and so are the only ones anyone cares about. and my brain has whatever causes autism, just not in a way that presents "disordered".

i just. i've been brave every single day since i was six years old. i just want to be fixed, you know?

#but nothing's going to fix me #i'm not ever going to be fixed #it's never going to stop #bad brains blogging #it's been like this every day since i was six and i'm just tried #i'm just tired

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