#I know which progressions sound good. I know what sounds trigger which emotions

[vimbry]

but I want to have knowledge of music on an intermediate level nowwwww

[kingdom-stars]

Something, something, throwing up 'bout my AU all over the page, something, something(?).

Wright & Co. Family bussines

So, this past year I've been thinking about an Ace Attorney AU. Nothing original, just the tri-color trio (Apollo, Athena and Trucy) in the original trilogy

You'd think it'd be the most common AU, but I've seen surprisingly few of them

(Unless I haven't searched well, in which case, post links👀)

So I gave myself the task of making one, because if you want something to go well you do it yourself :V

Clarifications before starting:

This OBVIOUSLY has spoilers for both trilogies, so I'll put a cut here

I decided to move some important moments to fit into the AU, such as:

The trial where Trucy's father disappears was taken by Mia and was for the accidental "death" of Thalassa, he is declared innocent but leaves Trucy because he does'nt think he's a good father to her. Phoenix's last case will still pass and Shadi will still be accused of murdering Magnify Graymare, but Trucy will not be the one to give Phoenix the note and she'll not recognize her father (but Phoenix will)

Simon's trial will pass two years before canon. Phoenix, blessed be his heart, adopts Athena because she has no one else and her relatives in Europe have not been brought up yet

Apollo will be found by Mia while she searches for some other relative of Trucy's and tells Phoenix, who immediately contacts child services to make the adoption

Apollo and Athena decide to keep their last names, Trucy is the only one to change it to Wright, but the three are comfortable with being called by Phoenix's last name

Nothing related to the newly formed Wright Family, Edgeworth decides to adopt Kay after Turnabout Reminiscences, just as he adopts Sebastian after Turnabout for the ages (I just saw that's the official name for The Grand Turnabout and it's DOPE AS FUCK)

Some other things:

Apollo will be 12 in this AU, as that would be the age calculated for this point in the series, Athena would follow with 7 and Trucy with 5

The three of them will reference their respective backstories, Apollo having knowledge about the spiritual channeling thanks to his time in Khura'in, Athena missing her mother and paying attention to Phoenix to become a lawyer and save Simon and Trucy having vague memories of when her mother was still with her

Apollo will have a tendency to use his Chords of Steel™ when he gets nervous and will switch to Khura'ines

Athena would still use the sound canceling headphones (or emotions, whatever) but as the story progresses she will take them off more and more

By the end of the second case, Trucy will start wearing the blue cape

Maya will be a kind of aunt/older sister, Pearl will be the cousin that no one can get angry with and Kay the bad influence gremling cousin(?)

Larry, Gumshoe and Edgeworth will be the ✨Cool Uncles✨. Gumshoe and Edgeworth will take a while to get there for obvious reasons, but they will

Each final case will be in some way related to the three children. This would be with Athena

Without further ado, let's go to the first game!

Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney

The first Turnabout:

There's not much to change here. Character introductions, dynamic statements, the odd clue about the children's talents and little triggers for Phoenix, but small ones, small ones

Turnabout Sisters:

Slight changes but nothing significant. Apollo's discomfort with the Kurain channeling technique is mentioned for being similar to those of Khura'in, Trucy is the one who notices the butler's lies, Athena hears April May's fear of Red White, Red White attempts to blackmail Phoenix out of the case by threatening to take the children away from him, and Apollo testify on Phoenix's behalf, Phoenix has major triggers here

Turnabout Samurai:

I don't know what I would change here. Gumshoe being rude to Phoenix and Trucy defending him, Maya dragging poor Apollo into fan conversations with Cody and Phoenix bringing up the issue of Dee Vazques' threat at trial, on a separate note, Edgeworth finds Trucy in the prosecution lobby and returns her to Phoenix

Turnabout Goodbyes:

Ohhhh boy, this is the one. Kay makes her debut introducing herself as Edgeworth's daughter/assistant, she is the one who asks them to represent him to Edgeworth's mortification and will help in the investigation with Gumshoe, the three children catch Edgeworth's desperation for this case which makes Phoenix more determined to help him. This is practically the final case for Athena, she sympathizes with Edgeworth's earthquake phobia, she hears von Karma's true intentions but doesn't know how to explain them, she is inspired by Phoenix's story of how Edgeworth and Larry defended him as a child and how that act made him become a defense attorney and decides to do the same for Simon, she feels a strange understanding in not wanting to believe that she killed his her father mother (the black psycholocks sound), she stays by his side when he makes the last testimony and explains his nightmare, even going so far as to grab his hand to give him strength and shout at Von Karma in the face when he tries to ridicule them, when Von Karma's breakdown occurs he tries to attack Athena in the purest Tronchatoro style and then she is saved by Edgeworth. In the end she starts calling him Uncle Edgeworth

Rise from the ashes:

Oh yes, the DLC case, I almost forgot. Apollo and Trucy go full on Gant and his tics, Ema and Apollo bond (no Ship here, just friendship), Athena jumps into full scolding when she sees that Edgeworth wants to resign as a prosecutor because "they didn't spend three days stressing for you to then throw it overboard" or something like that, everyone gets scared by the Blue Badger and everyone wants to kill(?) Meckins

Ahhhhh, finally, I took it off my chest

I have olabs for Justice for all and Trials & Tribulation, but I'll make separate posts for those, you say if you want to hear it or not

Byee~!

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Helloo there, I hope you had a nice new year!

I'm an INTP here, and I need some guidance on how I can handle cultivating more empathy and social skills. I've had a lack of empathy since I was young. I am not sure what triggered it or led to it. But It's hard for me to form proper connections with people as a result.

When I was younger, I was a silent kid because i had almost no interest in socializing. I've noticed an issue where i was extremely selfish or cruel. For example, around the age of 6 to 12, I would get a sort of gratification when I purposely made my friend sad, I would find tiny reason to break of the friendship, and feel no remorse to it. I treated people more like experiments than friends. The only major fear I had was towards authority figures such as teachers.

Another thing I've noticed is that I have no strong recollection of good/bad memories. I can not remember the times I have been emotionally hurt or happy memories. The only major emotions I show are annoyance, happiness, and sadness if something happened to me only and never for anyone else.

I also find it hard to remember any important details of conversations and how I talked with people. Leading to fights because they bring up something i did, which i can not recall. My conversations are dull, I can't seem to generate emotions naturally. It feels like I have to fake every expression at times, as friends have previously called me a robot, due to my monotone behaviour.

I also find it hard to speak without saying something awkward and unfit for the conversation. It seems like my thoughts are many degrees away from the original path of the conversation. While everyone else can talk smoothly and reply in a way that continues the conversations, my replies fall flat and end with an awkward laugh.

As you might be able to guess, my friendships are quite shallow and unfulfilling, too. I often find it a chore to maintain relationships, almost taking an extreme amount of energy to reply to a text. Even if the other person has a keen interest in me.

But I still so desire good friendships, I keep myself cheerful and smiley, so that people don't turn off from me at first glance.

I've noticed these traits so often and spiralled down into sadness, believing that I might be sociopathic and that I am intrinsically a bad person. (I am prone to victim mentality, which made it worse).

It's only after I reached college and got into a failed relationship that I've consciously tried to fix myself. I've realised what an unfulfilling and selfish life I've been living.

I've tried living in the moment, trying to feel peoples emotions, putting in effort, listening more, trying to converse more, approach people, and, in general, involve myself in the class. But all it takes is one bad mood for me to undo all my progress and turn silent again.

My feelings of insecurity and envy have been raised, too, as my ex is now dating someone who is empathetic, sensitive, and socially adept.

I want to know

How to get out of this constant rut of motivation and failure to change.

How to live in the moment and talk, getting over the fear that I will say something unfit.

How to be more empathetic in general.

How to be more secure inside so that i can focus more outside and on my friendships.

---------------------

Lack of empathy or empathy deficit is a complicated topic in psychology, so this might be a lot for you to process. Yes, empathy can be conceptualized as a skill to improve and build up through learning and practice. However, like any skill, some people will have more genetic aptitude with it than others, so some people struggle with it more than others.

It sounds like you've already done some research and tried a few techniques with meh results. Unfortunately, your way of working toward a solution is very slow because you still don't know the "why". It's hard to solve a problem when you don't know the root cause because then the only method available to you is trial-and-error. It can indeed become very discouraging when you get error after error or don't see any meaningful progress.

Empathy deficit can be thought of as a symptom, which means there are many possible psychological issues/disorders that can give rise to it. It might benefit you to get assessed by a mental health professional with expertise about empathy deficit. It's important to investigate what lies behind it in order to discover the right way to address it.

For example, both autism and narcissism can produce empathy deficit but the mechanisms that impede empathy development are very different when you compare the two, so the treatment plans would end up looking very different once you tailor them to each individual's needs. Some people lack empathy simply because they have never been loved by anyone due to growing up in an environment of extreme neglect. Having never felt love, they don't know what it is and of course don't know how to show it.

One reason empathy deficit is a thorny subject is because of social stigma, especially since it often gets associated with psychopathy or sociopathy as you mentioned. Many psychologists don't use these labels because of the stigma and because they are imprecise. When a psychological term is widely used by the general public, it starts to lose meaning or the meaning gets extremely fuzzy, which renders it less and less useful for diagnostic purposes. People think "psychopath" and they picture a serial killer, which isn't helpful.

Personally, I'm even wary of using the word "disorder" because it often leads people to believe they are somehow "broken"; the way they behave is "wrong" and has to be changed to the "right" way. While some psychological problems should be called a disorder, I personally don't believe that empathy deficit itself should be, unless it is accompanied by dysfunctional behavior that indicates the presence of a serious mental disorder.

My understanding of empathy deficit is that it's more like a "disability", similar to blindness or deafness. What's the advantage of approaching empathy deficit as a disability? A) It's not your fault that your brain has low aptitude for empathy, so shame is completely unwarranted. B) A disability is something you can come to comfortably accept as a part of you, but also something you need to learn to adapt to, in order to live a fuller life. Thus, the question isn't "what's wrong with me?" but rather "how can I adapt better to having this disability?"

Empathy isn't an on/off switch. There are degrees of empathy. Some people have minimal to no empathy. Some people have too much empathy. Most people fall somewhere in the middle of having empathy much of the time but still capable of acting like a selfish jerk some of the time.

The way INTPs approach the world tends to be conceptual and intellectual, so it might help you to approach empathy in more cognitive rather than emotional terms. The most basic way to explain empathy is the ability to conceptualize/visualize another person's mind and understand what's going on in there. There are many paths to reaching that understanding, so psychologists distinguish between different kinds of empathy:

Affective empathy or emotional empathy is about sharing someone else's feelings and emotions. For instance, people with normal empathy would feel sad upon seeing their friend feeling sad about their dog dying. By sharing feelings and emotions with someone, it can lessen their burden and help them feel better. Expressing empathy in this way is a common method of showing how much you care about someone's well-being. When people talk about empathy deficit, it is usually affective empathy they are referring to. Try as they might, some people just can't muster enough care or concern about others.

Another kind of empathy is cognitive empathy, which is basically about modeling someone else's mind. Ti+Ne might help you with this. You could take your own experience and try to extrapolate from it to understand someone else.

For example, do you feel anything when someone goes out of their way to do something nice for you, such as ask how you're doing, give you a gift, or answer a question for you online? People with normal empathy would feel warmth, appreciation, gratitude, closeness/intimacy, care, love, or a sense of mattering. If you feel good when someone does something nice for you, you can extrapolate from it and guess that someone else may also feel good when you do something nice for them. This is the rationale behind the common advice of treating others the way you would like to be treated.

Even if you aren't capable of feeling good when someone does something nice for you, you can still observe that it is a common phenomenon in the general population. Therefore, you can deduce, through empirical investigation of cause and effect, that people doing nice things for each other is an important aspect of maintaining good relations. This can then be turned into a good principle or practice to follow: "If you want to keep a friend, you have to occasionally do nice things for them (so that they can feel justified in continuing the friendship)." You don't have to use your own emotion to arrive at good principles of action; you can also use logic and common sense to get a similar result.

Empathy is also closely linked to compassion, which is about taking action in accordance with empathic feelings. For example, seeing a friend get injured on the street, it isn't enough to just stand there and feel for them, right? Feeling bad for them should also prompt you to take action to help or save them from further injury or death.

If you can't feel bad for people who are injured, you can still understand, intellectually, that it's not a great situation. Instead of acting on empathic feelings you don't have, you could act out of logic and common sense, knowing that, universally, nobody likes to lie there vulnerable and bleeding on the street. Once again, this could lead you to create a principle/practice to follow: "If you want to keep a friend, you should take action whenever they need help."

If you're not capable of affective empathy, you are still capable of cognitive empathy as long as you are of normal intelligence. Most people rely more on affective than cognitive empathy. However, since you suffer this "disability" of not being able to generate enough affective empathy, you could rely more on cognitive empathy as an adaptation.

Maybe it's impossible for you to become the beloved social butterfly wowing everyone with your charisma, but you can still form meaningful relationships with a handful of people. When you meet a good candidate for friendship, be open and honest about your challenges, then they will know to show you more empathy and patience. As long as you're willing to put out some effort for them, they will return it. Relationships require reciprocity.

This brings us to the last point of "effort", which relates to motivation. Motivation often arises from emotionality; people have a strong desire or feel strongly about something, so they take action. What happens when your feelings and emotions are too muted to motivate action?

Human beings are motivated by a great number of things. The motivation to connect with other people is but one of them. In many cases, empathy deficit doesn't mean a person is incapable of empathizing. It's more precise to say that they can empathize but the motivation is too easily overridden by other conflicting motivations.

To give you a simple example, maybe you just worked a long day on your feet and you're utterly exhausted. You get on the bus to go home and there's only one seat left that's reserved for the disabled or elderly. You take it because no one else wants it. Later, a very frail old man gets on the bus and eyes your seat. What do you do? Many people, out of empathy, would yield the seat. A low empathy person can still feel bad for the old man. The issue is that their empathy level isn't strong enough to override the more pressing motivation to rest.

Oftentimes in relationships, you are faced with a dilemma of having to choose between yourself and others. Instead of thinking of it in terms of "I only care about me and I don't care about them", you can think of it like this:

I have multiple motivations. 1) I want to do what I want to do. 2) But I also want to keep this person as my friend. Just because motivation 1 is always stronger than 2 doesn't mean I always have to choose that way.

Since my feelings and emotions are muted, I do not have the mental resources to satisfy all of my motivations all of the time. I must ensure that I am not too otherwise stressed/taxed when trying to socialize. And I must calculate which motivation is most worthwhile to follow based on the situation.

When faced with a social dilemma, I must analyze which motivation is going to lead me to a better outcome via weighing the pros and cons objectively. In some situations, I will get a better outcome by taking care of my own needs. In some situations, I will get a better outcome by taking action to keep my friend. In some situations, I can be super smooth and efficient and do something that will benefit both of us at the same time. Make the smartest choice given the circumstances.

Taking some extra time to think through possible outcomes helps you make better social decisions (and develop Ne properly). Just like a visually impaired person has to put out effort to read braille or a hearing impaired person has to put out effort to use sign language, you must put out some effort to learn adaptations that will help you participate better in relationships and social situations.

You don't have to overthink. You can learn about people through observation and asking them simple questions. You can follow some basic principles like: compliment people when they do something good; offer help on occasion; say please and thank you; etc. Perhaps read about social etiquette to learn some good rules of thumb. Perhaps study communication skills so that you can express yourself more effectively.

An important aspect of maintaining motivation is regularly getting good results along the way. As INTP, you should be good at analyzing past mistakes for lessons to learn, in a scientific or experimental way. Try something and it doesn't work, don't do it again. Something worked well, try it again. It only works some of the time? Isolate the relevant factors to predict which situations it's more likely to work. You've obviously made some progress since childhood because you now actually care about this issue enough to feel bad and reach out for guidance. When feeling down, people tend to fixate on failure and it's easy to lose sight of all the little improvements achieved. Make sure to review the things you've done well, no matter how small, as a way to keep your motivation up.

Although empathy is an important ingredient in relationships, there are still ways to proceed without it. As long as you have some motivation to socialize, no matter how small or muted, there is hope to build something more out of it. Use those feelings of loneliness, regret, or sadness you just told me about to enhance your motivation and your desire to live your life in a better way (as opposed to wallowing in negativity).

You don't have to be "noble" and take action for others purely because you care deeply about them. Maybe it's enough to do it as a thank you to them for sticking around to make your life more fulfilling. It's not a competition of "me vs them", so don't think of relationships as a "sacrifice". By making them happy, you also make yourself happy, because you get to have a friend. Fe teaches you that good relationships should be win-win, even when you care more about your win than theirs.

[bloody-wonder]

starting new series

in order to balance my reading i like to track the progress i'm making with old series vs how many new series i'm starting. my loose goal is usually to finish/catch up on at least five and start at least ten new series in a year - which turns out isn't as difficult as it sounds bc we're not even halfway through the year yet and i already hit the latter mark! here's an overview of what i read and my opinions :)

series that were so good i immediately read all the books available:

doctrine of labyrinths by sarah monette (book one: mélusine). okay so this was life-changing. not sarah monette inventing dark aroace romantasy in 2005! they hated her for her slay so much she had to start writing cozy fantasy under a pen name! this story is so weird and unique i honestly have no idea how to pitch it except to say that fans of books like the locked tomb, mdzs and captive prince will very likely enjoy it too. the fact that it's not a depraved booklr cult classic by now is a travesty. but we can still make it happen so if you fall into this particular reader category (and wouldn't be put off by the fact that someone may or may not want to fuck his brother a little bit) please do yourself a favor and read this series! check the trigger warnings first tho

the cemeteries of amalo by katherine addison (book one: the witness for the dead). i liked the goblin emperor, didn't love it, but after binging doctrine of labyrinths in less than a week i sorely needed a cure for my book hangover so i decided to pick up this spinoff series and wouldn't you know it - i binged it too lol. ig february was my monette/addison era. amalo felt like course correction after the goblin emperor and, while it's set in the same world and written in the same tone as that book, many of its aspects reminded me more of doctrine of labyrinths which is probably why i ended up liking it more - and was surprised by that too since i typically don't like this slow meditative writing style in fantasy but ig sarah monette just brings a certain je ne sais quoi to her books (emotional whump). the third book is coming out next march and i'm very excited to see what the saddest gay priest detective will do next👀

the stolen heir duology by holly black. to be completely honest i don't think these books are necessary. ig it was cool to return to elfhame several years post tfota and see some of my favorite ya fantasy characters from outsider pov but i found the main couple quite bland, especially in the second book where they are predictably overshadowed by jude & cardan in every respect. jude & cardan are simply The Power Couple, i love them and i appreciated the opportunity to revisit them in their 20s. madoc, everyone's favorite worst dad, has some nice scenes too but apart from that this installment was neither adventurous nor action-packed nor particularly romantic. it's clear now that holly black plans to continue writing in the elfhame universe and i sincerely hope she will try to shake things up by going full adult and/or changing the genre (i have this galaxybrain idea of a wwdits style mockumentary about madoc's exile in the human world which i'm trying to telepathically plant in holly black's brain as we speak)

evander mills by lev a. c. rosen (book one: lavender house). lavender house was the first book i read this year - i picked it up on a whim, honestly not expecting much, but ended up liking it a lot. in many respects it's a pretty basic closed circle murder mystery but with an all queer cast, whereas the second book has our gay detective investigating blackmail. the fact that the story takes place in the (homophobic) 50s and the queer victims are not protected by the law whatsoever adds an interesting spin to the whole idea of seeking and serving justice. i never thought i'm a serialized detective story type of person but ig if you make it queer enough i'll read anything lol so now i'm eagerly awaiting the next andy mills mystery which will come out in fall.

series i'm maybe going to continue reading later:

aubrey & maturin by patrick o'brian (book one: master and commander). seeing all the old man yaoi on a boat memes on tumblr rapidly propelled this series to the top of my tbr. now i have finally read the first book and,, liked it? lol idk the prose was very good, aubrey & maturin's friendship was sweet and the reading experience was cozy, with funny moments here and there, but overall i wasn't gripped by the plot nor did i particularly connect to the characters. i'm glad i read it but rn i'm not planning to continue this (extremely long) series any time soon. the book did have a delightful nautical atmosphere tho so there's a chance i might return to aubrey & maturin's adventures one day, if the mood strikes

page & sommers by cat sebastian (book one: hither, page). this one i didn't like at all tbh. i think cat sebastian just isn't the author for me and i should quit trying to read her books. however, i am both blessed and plagued by completionism and this series only has two books so i might read the second one this year just to appease my demons lol

series i'm not going to continue:

adam binder by david r. slayton (book one: white trash warlock). someone on tumblr recced this book to me ages ago and i wanted to read it ever since - purely bc of the title tbh😅 something i failed to consider tho is that urban fantasy is probably my least favorite subgenre of fantasy. and this book unfortunately didn't feature any memorable character moments or mind-blowing plot bits that could have broken through my unimpressedness with the urban fantasy setting🤷‍♀️

rook & rose by m. a. carrick (book one: the mask of mirrors). okay now we're entering the Dislike & Disappoint territory. i got interested in this series bc i heard it being compared to gentleman bastard but the similarities end at the renaissance venice setting and a conperson protagonist. the mask of mirrors completely lacks the rizz and swagger of scott lynch's writing and its characters just don't have the oomph of locke lamora and his team. so that was disappointing. on top of that the book is extremely long and convoluted with a worldbuilding that bothered me a lot and i couldn't put my finger on why until i read the themes section on its wiki page - ah yes, the us politics, again, using a foreign setting as a window dressing, again. listen, ik the us politics are important for the us authors to write about but when i pick up a book inspired by the italian renaissance what i want to get is themes and motifs representative of that time and place, even if we modernize them by (honestly lackluster) queernormativity and gender equality. i was mildly curious about the identity of the rook but now that it's been revealed i see no reason to continue this series.

the masquerade by seth dickinson (book one: the traitor baru cormorant). i intended to finish this book last year and leave it there but it was so unbelievably boring it put me into a reading slump for like two whole weeks and i ended up finishing it in january. i noticed that books about colonialism often try so hard to strike this solemn literary tone and say something profound that characters and plot just get bulldozed over by that dedication to conveying this very serious theme. admittedly, baru isn't as bad as that - i'm just biased bc she was pitched to me as a character in the same category as lymond and tyrion lannister so i was disappointed on that account seeing as it was the only reason i decided to give this book a try. i will say the general concept of the story and the plot twist at the end were indeed good but the overall reading experience was so aggressively meh that they just weren't worth it for me and so when the Big Thing happened i was still underwhelmed.

emily wilde by heather fawcett (book one: emily wilde’s encyclopaedia of faeries). i wrote a long ass goodreads review about why i disliked this book so much but let's see if i can be concise for once (ha, as if). i'm a big fan of olivia atwater's books so based on all the buzz around emily wilde i thought i was picking up a similar faerie story. turns out this was more like an "elevated" cozy fantasy version of ali hazelwood's books featuring howl in leather pants (tweed pants?). where atwater uses faerie tale tropes and fae lore to explore classism, neurodivergence and nuanced romantic and platonic connections, fawcett seems to write from a perspective that is decidedly normative. just like emily wilde, half a soul has a heroine who reads as neurodivergent but the narrative is always firmly on her side, whereas the moral in emily wilde seems to be that she has to smile and socialize more or smth. just like emily wilde, a thousand stitches features a faerie as a love interest but in this case he indeed reads like a whimsical magical being, so similar to humans and yet so different at the same time, whereas mr cheap howl knockoff reads like a quirky human man who is an asshole sometimes and can do magic. atwater's books are fairly popular but emily wilde is the book that has mass appeal and ig i shouldn't really be surprised bc when have the stories that question the status quo ever have been more popular than the ones that reinforce it? so i'm not really surprised but i am bitter. this book left a sour taste in my mouth and made me feel really bad about myself which was something i hadn't reckoned with when i picked up this cozy fantasy. tbh i initially was going to masochistically read the sequel out of morbid curiosity but then i remembered that i can read literally anything else instead lol the hater gods spared me just for once😅

2024 reading updates | goodreads

[wilt3d-r0zes]

Fic Name (and link): Feel Like I Could Die Today Series: Lab Rats Characters: Chase Davenport, Marcus Davenport Pairings: N/A Trigger Warnings: Sensory Overload, Autistic Meltdown, Vivid Descriptions of Self Harm Urges (things like ripping your skin off, acid, etc) Important Tags: Autistic Chase Davenport, Autistic Meltdown, Angst, Good Brother Marcus Davenport, Hurt/Comfort, Redeemed Marcus Davenport, Takes Place After Elite Force is Founded. Summary: Protip: Don't spend 12hrs working on code. I don't care if you're bionic, don't do it. Or, I watched Free Guy and was liike wow. Keys is literally so autistic. I wonder if there's any fanfiction of him being autistic and there WAS. Exactly one beautifully written meltdown fic and i was like imma do that imma write a fic inspired by this so i did. (It's linked as the inspiration o7) (title is from A Little Bit Off by Five Finger Death Punch)

Inspired By:

shaking hands

by Anonymous

Chase stared at the computer in his lap. At the screen of code he's been agonizing over for who knows how long. The program wasn't working. It definitely should be, he's gone over the code four times trying to find whatever error he missed but it's yielding nothing but increased frustration when he tests it and nothing happens.

The only option he really has is to restart. But this is hours of work-- hours of slaving over this stupid little laptop that he'd lose because of what's probably one line of code he missed and can't find. He hates restarting, loathes losing hours of progress on a 'first draft.' 

A hand lands on his shoulder, one that's hard and identifiable as Marcus based purely on the fact it's made mostly out of metal. Despite this, his synthetic skin burns against Chase-- which, of course, isn't possible unless he developed a new bionic ability and decided to turn on him-- again-- but chances are pretty low that that's happened.

(Again.)

Still, he shrugs off the hand, turning back to look at the android with wide eyes. Marcus stares back at him with a blank expression, one he wears more often than not now that he's stopped putting up a facade of human emotional responses. "When's the last time he slept?"

Chase just turns back around. He doesn't need this right now, he needs to finish this project. He said he could finish it in a few hours, and it's already well beyond that mark. This program could help take a massive load off Adam, Leo and Marcus until other locations are finished and more mission overseers can be promoted. Hell, it'll even help after that happens.

He scrolls back to the top of the project, trying to scan the code- just one more time- but finds himself squinting beyond diagrams, theories, digital post-it notes and warnings on his information hud. He can barely read any of the letters, numbers and symbols that were supposed to create something helpful but sit there like a useless pile of junk.

Chase swings the mouse over to the New Project button near the top, the sound of plastic on the countertop a grating swoosh of agony that's so much louder than it ever had any right to be.

(Why didn't Douglas give him an on/off switch for his bionics?)

He ground his teeth, a habit that he'd been doing since before he started highschool and one day is going to cost him his teeth. "Dude," Marcus starts, his voice like a freight train in Chase's ear-- it's enough to make him flinch, so the next thing Marcus says he, evidently, turns the volume down so low you wouldn't be able to hear it unless you took his voice box out and put your ear right up next to it, "How long have you been out here?"

Chase continues to glare at the code, another thing popping up on his HUD. The time. 2:32. He'd been working on this for nearly twelve hours.

(Teach him to think "Oh, one more hour can't hurt." Really, he should've learned that six years ago. Probably longer.)

His hands falter, and he pulls them away from the computer enough to notice how much he's shaking, the trembling through his entire body that feels like low-blood sugar and a panic attack had a baby.

(Ew.)

Without the mouse in his hand and the keyboard underneath his fingers, grounding him to the real world and giving him something to focus on, he's overcome with the sudden urge to bang his head on the counter he's working on. Again, this would yield little no results other than pain, and he's overwhelmed enough as it is.

Instead, he reaches his shaking hands up to run through his hair, only to catch the strands in his hand and yank. His scalp burns where he pulls hairs out completely, but he can't bring himself to stop, slowly dragging his still-gripped mess of semi-gelled hair until his slimy hands cover his eyes and he wants nothing more than to be drowned in a vat of acid to get rid of the feeling.

But there are no vats of acid for him to drown himself in, so instead he finds himself standing from the desk with little more than the thought of getting away from the danger of his own senses. Then, he’s standing in the medbay.

The lights are off, and with Douglas gone to the Elite Force and nobody actively injured, it’s empty. Marcus has evidently followed him, something he didn’t notice in the walk in his panic to get out.

His shoes squeak when he tries to rock onto the balls of his feet, a screaming sound that genuinely brings up warning on his HUD. His hands find their way to his arms, too-long nails digging into them. Without the focus of his computer or the code in front of him, all he wants to do is scream and hit things– anything, something to distract from the sensory overload that makes his very skin feel horrible.

Marcus grabs him when his hand first makes contact with his shoulder, solid arms wrapped around him and burying his face in unscented clothes. He squirms, and eventually he finds himself sinking to the floor with Marcus still wrapped around him. His throat burns and his hands hurt, and he doesn’t have the foggiest idea why.

His face is wet, and a sound he can’t identify with his bionics working overtime makes him drag his throbbing hands to his ears. His throat burns, like he got rugburn on his vocal cords. His head hits solid metal, but it doesn’t make the feelings go away. Abruptly, he realizes he’s screaming. The realization makes him snap his mouth shut, carelessly clacking his teeth together so his brain rattles and his jaw aches. A whimper follows and his squirming reignites until Marcus tightens the arms wrapped around him.

He slumps, a broken sob raking along his strained throat. The fight suddenly leaking out of him so he’s just laying against his brother, crying. He feels pathetic, suddenly. Useless– freaking out over a program that would take only a few hours to rewrite.

He opens his mouth to apologize, but all that comes out is a breath of hot air. Above him, he hears things whirr when Marcus activates his voice box and fan, “It’s alright.”

His volume is still low, though it doesn’t grate any more than it would’ve three hours ago. The fan whirring to life makes his chest rumble slightly, a layer of surprisingly calming sensory input that makes Chase wish he hadn’t already slumped so he could simply melt away the tension still writhing in his muscles.

“I know how it is, don’t worry about it,” Marcus continues, chest mimicking the way it’s supposed to move when a human talks, “We can stay here as long as you need.”

One good thing about Marcus being an android: he doesn’t really get bored easily. He really could sit here with Chase for the next few hours with plenty to entertain him, having full access to the internet. He once told them that he could bring up games on his HUD– something Chase is forever jealous about.

However long they lay there, with Marcus positively compressing his brother, it’s long enough for Chase to doze off into a dreamless sleep, where Marcus picks him up and deposits him on the couch in the mentors quarters and settles in on the chair to watch tv until he wakes up.

[missr3n3]

Usually I ask silly questions but not this time. These questions are for the crossover fic and are important for the story line.

1.) Does Joshua have heightened senses (scent, hearing and sight are the main ones that I want to focus on.)

2.) Neither Joshua nor Isaac can cook, but Madeline and Leah can?

3.) Joshua has triggers that consume his subconscious, what are the main ones?

4.) If Sarah and Peter ever stumble across each other (the Terrortwins/Isaac and Joshua had decided to talk with one another about their experiences and learn how to cope in various ways), what would be their emotional reaction?

5.) Would Peter and Joshua bond (kinda?) over for their therapeutic gardening experiences, give each other tips and advice?

I ask some of these because it'll help me make chapters and give more details. That, and knowledge. It'll also help the story progress since I'm kinda stuck on chapter 1 and I need the info for Joshua's senses to help the chapter proceed. Thank you have have a good night!!

i've mentioned in the latest chapter that joshua has rly good night vision, and i think in general his eyesight is a little better. his hearing and sense of smell are normal tho. the only other odd thing about his senses are his ability to detect supernatural entities w/ his horns (usually described as him feeling his scalp prickle or itch)

isaac actually can cook a lil bit! unfortunately the main thing he knows is grilling, which. can't really do that in a studio apartment lol. madeline is like... she's not great, but she can manage simple things like pasta or stir fry. leah is the best of the bunch, having done very well in her home economics classes in high school!

some of his triggers off the top of my head: scissors going near his head, hearing any song off of radiohead's the bends album, the sound of chains rattling, the Nightmare Sand Pit sand's particular shade of red, being referred to with dehumanizing language

they'd both be very nervous around each other, but in different ways. sarah has no trust for peter, so she's constantly expecting him to try and take control back. peter, meanwhile, feels like his only options are "reconcile with sarah in some capacity" or "be tortured to death by the Peace Cult," so he's absolutely terrified of upsetting her in any way

probably a little bit! they're both very introverted people though, and with peter's fears about hurting those around him, i think his nervousness would weird joshua out a lil bit. likewise, joshua's "i don't give a fuck" attitude might come off a lil rude or even threatening to peter lol

hope these answers helped a bit!

[rickgrimesdoingrickthings]

//2. does your muse find it easier to sleep in a warmer room or a cooler room? //3. is your muse typical about where they sleep or can they fall asleep just about anywhere? //11. what type of blanket does your muse prefer (standard blanket, quilt, comforter, weighted blanket, etc)? //18. does your muse have insomnia? have they ever experienced insomnia? to what degree of severity? //27. what does your muse typically like to wear to bed? does it depend on the season/weather outside?

1- Whatever is closer to 25 °C Celsius. If he had to choose, I think he would choose a slightly colder place, because to survival, he knows getting dehydrated can be deadly and warmer places have more mosquitos. He can't get cooler in warmer places but he can warm up in colder places by litting a fire, having something hot to drink, rubbing his chest, or even sleeping close to other survivors. Since Rick is thin, he probably would freeze way more than the others, but nothing an Abraham hug or Daryl hug wouldn't solve to keep him from shaking all night. His gang, they would drag the shaky Rick close to warm him up.

2- Rick can fall asleep anywhere, he had to adapt. Of course he prefers a comfy bed.

3- I don't know why but I have the impression those standard fluffy / fur like blankets would make him sneeze. Quilt he would use to protect his bed from dust. Comforter? Yesss I can see my man hugging a soft comforter and rolling in it after a warm shower yes, spot on. I think heavy weighed blankets would make him feel a bit suffocated, I don't know, last thing wants is to feel like he's stuck on a net when he sleeps. Light ones would be fine. When it's warm, he would use just a sheet.

4- Yes Rick has anxiety insomnia, had limited schizoid episodes in the prison which refrained him from sleeping well and faced some PTSD for quite some time, specially after Negan. By season 7-8, he says he hasn't been sleeping, thinking about his friends. I can also picture that sometimes Rick SEES Abraham and Glenn with their heads smashed "looking" at him or following him around, like he used to see Lori when she died, but he seems "used" to such ilusions by then. It's not explicit to the viewer, but there are references that hint Rick STILL sees allucinations when he's too stressed or sleep deprived (which is more common than people think). And he seems to have some rather agitated sleep or superficial sleep.

In Alexandria people mentioned it was like he was staring things they couldn't see. When he was near death, he had very vivid lucid dreams, unable to tell dream from reality many times. When he saw the CRM helicopter, he didn't treat it as if it were true, he ignored it as if he were seeing things AGAIN, meaning it's something that happens often when he's mentally and emotionally struggling. And Rick's case is serious because the unreal things he experiences aren't JUST VISUAL. He can FEEL the illusions and HEAR them too (the unreal phone calls at the prison, him thinking he's touching Lori after she's gone). And all of those also were followed by a great deal of paranoia and delirium.

Not permanent, depends of how ruined and broken Rick is but to think someone as intelligent as him who has a very good insight still struggles so much with that problem, he really needs help, emotional support specially so he doesn't trigger those periods of crisis and in a normal world, would need psychiatric help for meds like humor stabilizers and anti psychotics, at least until he leaves the crisis periods, plus therapy.

The health problem he has is more serious than most people assume. I wouldn't say it's schizophrenia because the progression doesn't match and the episodes of crisis are short but it is a squizoid mental health problem. When Rick sleeps (in periods of distress) he doesn't actually sleep, he faints due to exhaustion or takes short naps. Severe insomnia.

5- What he likes to wear to sleep depends. If he's comfy at a community, safe and sound with privacy, he might as well as sleep naked or wearing just his boxers. Even if it's a bit cold I can picture him leaving a warm shower, drying himself and falling on bed, getting under the covers and sleeping like that. If he's somewhere safe but has no proper privacy, he might wear a at shirt and more comfy pants. If he's somewhere he might need to act anytime, he's sleeping with his normal clothes, jeans and shirt. If it's cold, he fully closes his murder jacket's zipper and curls under then fluffy fabric. If combat is expected but he has to sleep, he might not even remove his belt. If he's sleeping with a lover he probably wants to sleep wearing nothing at all and just nuzzle / cuddle as much as he can.

Just let him sleep and be happy.

[mystery-salad]

1, 7, 13 for Kai

9, 10 for Roibird

4 as Alvvae Tax

Hi Oz, thank youuuuuuuuuu~ And Alvvae tax! :0

KAI

What parts of their childhood trigger them?

Pretty much all of it! Kai grew up being groomed for leadership within the legions, every single step of her upbringing leaned to that and molded her into the perfect unfeeling, cold, calculating soldier who could "evaluate and make the hard calls quickly". Even now that her bounty's been removed, she finds that she can't go back to the citadel where she was raised without starting to slip back into that old mindset which scares her. She also can't visit many of the locations in Ascalon that she and her warband patrolled. She just...avoids her old home entirely at this point. Better to make new memories.

7. What emotions or situations do they try to avoid? Why?

She's starting to learn that getting into fights all the time is a bad way to handle things. And talking it out can lead to a much faster resolution. She leans heavily on her team and Caithe for this, all of them knowing the signs from Kai when she's about to escalate things past the point of no return. Kai also avoids entirely being alone in a room with any legion charr or she's gonna end up biting someone's head off.

13. What is their relationship with their family like?

Nonexistent! Her parents wrote her off as dead the moment she became a gladium with a bounty on her life. She doesn't see this as any loss herself, she never knew them past monthly evaluations to oversee her progress.

ROIBIRD

9. What are their insecurities?

He's very aware of his physical limitations and what that means for him as Commander, upholding an image that others put on him while also minding his bad physical days. While he knows he's good enough and capable enough for the job, he's very aware of how others might view his mobility aids.

10. What are their emotional triggers?

That's a hard one I haven't thought about before! His emotional triggers would be dismissal, infantilization, and general snobbery. Experiencing any of these will send him right into his own spiral of snarkiness and a stubborn streak.

ALVVAE

4. How do they punish themselves when they make mistakes?

Down in Rata Solum, Alvvae's job basically facilitated a need for perfection. Making sure tunnels were structurally sound and ready for buildings meant ensuring no chance of cave-ins or wall breaches, any of which could result in lives ending. Her default reaction to any mistakes is to immediately assess what went wrong and how to ensure a 0% chance of repeats. Emotions turn off and calculations turn on, she needs to stay strong when lives are on the line!

[self-loving-vampire]

So the Kuudere Moments you've been having recently might be an artifact of Self Necromancy/Past You's bleed-over influence?

I'm glad she seems to be making progress toward self-actualization, but that does sound somewhat disconcerting.

On the upside, it's good you realize a potential cause at least. I know you said the actual loss of feeling didn't bother you so much but the trigger being uncertain was initially troubling etc.

To be clear, I have been having those episodes since before I started this. It usually happens in response to stress but over time I learned to just keep acting as I always do even when that is going on under the assumption that it typically lasts less than a day.

What is new is really just an increase in frequency, combined with Past Me being prone to emotionally detaching from others for a variety of reasons (not all of which are healthy).

It does feel kind of strange to have one's emotions hijacked by another force, but that feeling is actually not new to me either. It's basically what happens when one has an emotional flashback.

If anything can give you experience in having your emotions replaced by those of a past version of yourself, emotional flashbacks are it.

[flowers-for-hobi]

I've had the worst nightmare i had in a while. Very long rant

Trigger warning emotional/physical abuse

In the dream I'm trying to convince my family to stop going down this path of delusion flat earth and other religious hotep stuff connected to us being black people and having Jewish ancestry (I'll save the stupid details)

(which is happening in real life and has been a slow progression into madness for years now) my sister just told me about the flat earth stuff that just got added into the mix recently which just sent me over the edge emotionally. And I guess I've been grappling with that not really knowing it. And also I started listening to a therapy podcast called second hand therapy which has been making me think. Which is a good thing in the grand scheme of things. But i also haven't seen my therapist in a couple months due to the debt I've been trying to pay off with her and just the nature of how my therapy relationship has evolved I don't need go see her every week. I've just been doing every couple months and doing ok with that.

The past couple months I've just been trying to cope and kinda push everything to the side with my work routine. But they podcast just opened a can of worms I wasn't trying to feel. Ouchy!!

In the dream I'm begging trying to tell my mom to stop this saying all the things that have been in my heart for years since a falling out happened 2/3 years ago. It's not working. after I while I remember crying in the dream walking away from my mother saying I'm so sorry I forgot you're like a dog loyal to my father and you would let him hurt me.

I go out from the room and my dad's asking what's going on. I tell him what I feel and start questioning his beliefs and proving his delusions wrong. Everytime he paused or has a shook on his facing trying to prove me wrong I yell *buzzer sound* wrong answer and explain why he's wrong. After the third time he charges at me cornering me trying to choke me (which he did to my sister during the Big falling out in real life)

I'm saying is it worth it hurting your family and please stop and then I Wake up.

It shook me so much I couldn't cry for a while. I ended up googling how to deal with nightmares. And kinda checking in with myself remembering what my therapist explained to me about anxiety and where I feel it in my body (which i usually feel it in my neck like choking)

For some reason while I was reading the article the quote from the article

"Our bodies are much more resilient than we think, so trust yourself that you’re going to be okay even if you didn’t sleep well last night"

After reading that I just start bawling. Just allowing myself to feel everything the fear the sadness.

My dreams/nightmares most of the time are very cathartic and try to tell me something. And I've had dreams/nightmares similar to this but it's been a long time i forgot how much they shake me. I think it"s reality setting in that I don't think me and my dad's relationship is salvageable cause he's not willing to listen to me or apologize to me (something he's been able to do with my sister) since the Big falling out) cause I know I won't ever bring it up. I'm tired of always being the one to try and fix it and have the big convos. So I'm leaving it up to him. And he keeps insisting my sister tell him how I feel about him and my sister like the freaking boss she is tells him that's between (me) and him. But i know he'll never ask me cause I already told him years ago how I feel. And I've been finally able to go over to their house and have moments of family again hug my dad and hang out again. But i also don't trust them anymore and I know it won't be the same. Cause without true communication there can't be any peace. And I won't be the one to reach out and have that conversation and i know my father won't so i just pretend like everything is ok just like he wants. But i know he feels the distance and it not being the same I lowkey enjoy knowing he's internally wiggling with that feeling. I'm just doing what we've always done in that house. Not talking about it just like he wants it.

[lavendertowerarchives]

Am I plural? Am I poly? How many is enough, how many is too many? How may I ignore my biases and social constraints so that I may gain any amount of insight into either?

Hell if I know, man. To begin, I want to clarify, I am highly doubtful that I am plural. I am highly confident that I am polyamorous. I've just been kicking both ideas around in my head for a nonzero amount of days and they've been getting on my fucking nerves with how repetitive the thought strains are.

As for plurality, it's one of the more persistent nagging doubts in the realm of "do I have this certain mental wackness." Seeing as I own a computer with internet access, it makes sense that I would come into contact with the concept of DID and multiple personalities in general, sometimes reading stories of those who have been diagnosed with/found out about/suspect they have something of the sort.

In my first engagement with the idea (because I almost always run through the checklist of "do I have this" for every condition I see), my response was no. Of course not. I think I'd know if I had two+ personalities. Later, in my second consideration, I noticed that yeah, my memory loss problem is really... a problem. More than a character trait. Now, many conditions involve memory loss (especially ADHD, which is a major pain in my ass every day), but upon closer inspection, more of the (admittedly common) symptoms lined up.

Given my intimate relationship with depression, anxiety, (frequent risk of) substance abuse, memory loss, and su1c1d@l tendencies, I'm sure there's something amiss. This is just the main package for anyone neurodivergent these days. This served as validation for my theoretical exploration of self-diagnosis (I want to reiterate, I really don't think I have it, but detailing my search and process will help me stop fucking thinking about it).

I've known for a while how I change when I'm around people vs alone. I won't describe every single emotional switch, but I will note how I'm generically happier, more optimistic, less foggy in the brain, more inclined to create, mostly not rejection sensitive, and less stressed by conventionally unstressful things when not alone. As for the other half... It's just that shit in reverse. I sit. I do nothing. I barely eat. I don't talk. I hate myself and work out ways to reliably end myself. That shit sucks, man.

The black and white nature of the switch made me reluctant in previous years to analyze exactly what made the change. In my mind, it was clear: I'm just not depressed when I have people with me (bar some exceptions). Now that I'm coming at it from another angle, I can see the polarizations which occur outside the "good/bad" binary.

I routinely get mad at myself. This, alone, isn't much cause for concern. However, knowing me, it is insanely difficult for me to get mad at another... thing. It takes a lot of "clearly" "unfair" punishment done explicitly to me to make me hate something, and it has to be done in such a way as to not become perverse sadism instead (to be dissected later). Anger is just not something I understand as an emotion, partially because it's just never... out. I hate myself a lot, yes, but it comes out more as disappointment in my inability to do normal tasks.

I can't feed myself today? Oh well. I'll just starve.

I forgot JH's birthday? Damn, my memory is awful.

I missed the third clutch button press in Celeste for the thirtieth time in a row? Well, resets take four seconds. I'm making progress.

When the switch is hit, and the personality shifts, the above reactions are replaced with "you fucken asshole. You dipshit. Fuck you, Lavender, you can't do shit without breaking down." This is a complete switch. I seem to be the only thing I can get truly mad at. Everything else is just learning. Again, this is only when that specific trigger is hit, when I'm alone for too long, and I have no contact with people.

Lastly, I just can't see myself as part of myself. I know that sounds silly, but I don't have the correct terminology to describe a permanent feeling of disassociation without actually disassociating. My limbs don't feel like my own. There is a continuous static between "Lavender, move your arms" and the arms moving. My muscle memory is my single greatest and most reliable trait I have, and it's my fascination with encoding movements to a single reflex that has kept me in decent shape for so long. Yeah, I know my mind is connected to the flesh I see in front of me and vice versa. It just never feels like it.

The only time I can distract myself from this piloting sensation is when that switch isn't hit. It's part of the reason I'm so good (read: decent) at video games. I can play any given character in SSBU for ten minutes and memorize their whole kit. I never transition "into" the character because I never transitioned out of myself. So what if another bitch hitched a ride in my head? I wouldn't know, I say I would know how to switch if I really did have two people living in my head, but I never really tried now, did I? When playing games, the transition is physical, discrete, and automatic. I just pick up the controller or put my hands on the keyboard. I wouldn't know if there was such a trigger for changing personalities.

All of this is evidence for me being plural, having more than one fucker in this skull, having two personalities, etc. It doesn't convince me. I don't think it's plausible. I'm sure I'd feel much different than I currently do if it was the case. Then again, how would "I" know? I already can't easily remember things which aren't right the fuck in front of me.

As for the polyamorous conviction, I've taken much more time to deliberate. I believe I am. I believe I can love multiple people at once with no interference between them. It took me a while to realize that I'd been doing it my whole life. Society's focus on monogamy and singular, permanent relationships has screwed over my discovery's pace and consequences.

I crush on so many people. It used to be horrid in high school. Any cute chick who gave me more than five minutes of her time was instantly in my head every hour of the day. To be clear, I thought most girls were cute/pretty/hot/sexy/whatever in high school; it didn't take much looking at a female form for me to find something I liked. I haven't really changed much. I don't like being attracted to so many people against my will, but oh well. Can't really stop that.

Regardless, the linchpin in this conundrum was that each new addition to my roster of infatuations did not impact the rest of the list (outside very few complications). I didn't have a ranking system. I didn't have a system outside of "I like this one most. Wait, but I also really like this one." I felt awful at the time (still do) about making contingency plans for each romantic endeavor, telling myself "Oh, well if girl A doesn't work out, I've got girl J on my radar still."

Fast forwarding to today, I have since admitted to myself that I had generated (without my consent) numerous genuine crushes on people during the time I've been with my partner, each one never causing my love for them to waver. I'm not saying it didn't, but I am saying it was never because of another person's hold on me. It will happen again. It's happening right the fuck now. I cannot get JH out of my head. Idk if I really "love" her or not but I guarantee she is much more than just a friend to me, even if she hasn't responded to me in days. I fucking hate it. Why can't I just leave her behind? Why do I obsess over her?

Self-loathing aside, I simply just... do love multiple people, and am more than capable of it. I will never get enough love, and I will never run dry of my own supply for others. I've ran out of patience for others' company. I've never stopped loving someone for any reason other than them literally forcefully abandoning me, and even then, that's got a shoddy hit rate.

So, why have I combined these two opposite conundrums of outward love and inward hatred? I can't be sure of either of them. My own internal biases keep me from confirming either. No one wants to get close to me, so I can't pursue anyone romantically. I want to regale you, the poor reader I'm probably keeping hostage, with tales of the literal hours a night I pine away for a chance to get closer to someone. I need it. I need it more than anything. I can't even start to think of it or else risk ruining my night simply because it's such an overwhelming hunger I have. I can't try to explore the depths because once I realize how hungry I am, I can't live with the fact that there's so much food for everyone else and I'm just... starving. No one wants to love me except my partner. It's not nothing. It's amazing. It's delicious food. I'm just still hungrier than every single friend I have, combined. That, I will stake my life on.

Contrasting this to the persona I desperately want to separate from my own, I can't say that it's a real separation I can make. I hate him. I keep referring to myself in the third person simply because I don't want to be associated with him. I don't want to be associated with me. I want out. Out of life, out of my body, out of my mind, out of this fucking house. This fucking life I'm "living" is garbage and I instinctually blame myself. I want to drag the fucked up mess of parts out from my own self and make it into a strawman scapegoat for me to slit the wrists of and choke with my own bare hands. I can't do it to myself, after all. Not because of a lack of willpower; I am fully committed. I just need a guarantee I won't get caught alive.

It's pure emotion. Both problems, both diagnoses, are only theoretical and not real because I do not have the mental capacity and emotional strength to withstand my own needs.

[stardust-in-my-mind-blog]

stormy heart today

very different than yesterday

I like my progress but I'm just a wreck inside

constant thundering and overstimulation in there

lots of reoccurring thoughts about how so many patterns

in my life have been me assuming the best

and that best never matching reality

and me being the worse off for it

but do I really want to assume the worst?

there's gotta be a balance in there

I trust myself more and document repeated observations

so my methods and programming and conditioning

are in far better order so blaming myself for the past

when I've learned and shouldn't repeat the same mistakes

(but I will sometimes and that's okay)

ugh, it's perfectionist thinking and ruminating

and it doesn't go away until I finally work myself into tears

even though I don't know exactly what triggered it

or why exactly I'm crying which is... so frustrating

but I guess at least it's expressed and I feel it

I don't lost connection with my body or abandon myself

and I affirm verbally and process what's happening

these are all things I didn't do ever or especially last year

I just kind of walked around feeling shame for all of my emotions

convinced that everything I felt was somehow wrong

and making everything in my life worse when it was the worst

must be leftover energy then... be again so confusing

still got brownies done and managed to not growl

at everyone I came into contact with today

which was everyone all the time all day

all that masking might be lending to the overwhealm

sore throat and headache and sinuses and all symptoms of

some kind of cold that goes with all this exhaustion

still am not the best at transitioning or change

and there's a lot of it going on so the stress esculates

also still have a big fear of burning out and this all shows me

if I run myself ragged like I used to I will burn out quickly

so... just stay in communication with body and try to

observe how things work into the new routine

it's all going to be fine and everything really is fine

I just get caught too far in the future

or like today I kind of get dragged into the past

and I need to find a way to return to the present moment

and something something with more words

that sound wise and like I know what the fuck I'm doing

because today my nervous system WILL NOT BE SOOTHED

I think my first words today were "I feel like trash"

so it's good to know at least I was consistent

[risingphoenix-nowreading]

What I Read This Year - 2023 Edition

(I kept track! Yay! Short notes with each so I have a better chance of finishing this post!)

The Ocean At The End Of The Lane by Neil Gaiman - I flew through this so much faster than I meant to (not hard to do, though, it's on the short side), it was beautiful, and I cried at least twice that I can remember.

The Haunting Of Hill House by Shirley Jackson - holy non-existent paragraph breaks, Batman! I love stories that make you wonder if the Terrible Place is really what's messed up or if it's only that there's something wrong with the people there (spoiler alert: this time it's both!)

Ninth House by Leigh Bardugo - my new favorite universe from one of my new favorite authors. This was the only reread of the year, in preparation for the second book of the series. I would kill for Alex. I would die for Darlington.

The Raven Boys by Maggie Stiefvater - I've only ever heard good things about this series, and I was not disappointed when I finally got to read it. Charming, funny, fantastical, and grounded. In particular, the fantastical was grounded in the reality of the universe, in a matter-of-fact kind of way that felt very Gaimanesque. Bonus points for the Welsh!

Hell Bent by Leigh Bardugo - my only regret is that I read this as fast as I did. My reading pace has slowed down a lot in the past several years, but I inhaled this at the rate I used to do in school. The world is expanded, the stakes are higher. I would die for Alex. I would kill for Darlington.

The Dream Thieves by Maggie Stiefvater - Ronan, you beautiful boy. 😭

Blue Lily, Lily Blue by Maggie Stiefvater - ok, so, this was the point in the series where a few of my theories were right on the money and I felt more confident about where the finale was going. Except for the part where Maggie yanked the rug out from under me and all I could do was stare into space when I finished.

Rules For Visiting by Jessica Francis Kane - probably not the book I would have picked up without a recommendation, so good thing my best friend recommended it. It took a while for me to warm up to it, but I was misty eyed and very attached by the time it was over. The vibes were very Austen at times, which I loved, and the emotional parts hit me in the feels. Bonus points for the gardening!

The Raven King by Maggie Stiefvater - I was right about a few things, and sooooooooooo wrong about others. This series was consistent, the writing lovely, and I adored every single one of the characters. This book in particular had some heart wrenching moments I still haven't recovered from, and I regret nothing.

Wild Things by Bruce Handy - if revisiting children's literature to find out what makes the stories you grew up with special doesn't sound like a good time, then I don't know what does. I loved this to pieces, and I want my own copy.

Day of the Triffids by John Wyndham - I don't usually read apocalyptic sci-fi, as it's usually too pessimistic. Not that this wasn't, it's just that killer plants sounded better than nuclear fallout, or climate change, or an epidemic, or whatever usually kicks things off in apocalyptic sci-fi. I'm convinced Stephen King has read this, as The Stand feels similar.

Book Of Night by Holly Black - I've been wanting to get hands on this author for awhile (her name was familiar and it took too long to realize I'd confused her with a singer I like and was therefore surprised to see she wrote books as well), and I'm glad I finally did. This was a blast. Good world building, intriguing characters, the works. I get the feeling this is going to be a series, so I guess I'm keeping my eyes peeled.

In progress...

Bag of Bones by Stephen King (though one chapter barely counts as progress)

Trigger Warning by Neil Gaiman (it's taking awhile, but anthologies usually do)

Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov (....it's also taking awhile)

[a-yarn-of-purple-prose]

This is supposed to be my rounding up post for @justleaveacommentfest but I'm cheating because I'm making it into...

Chasm Delving Highlight Reel: Special Just Leave a Comment Edition

At this point I should be real and say that I almost always leave comments. It's just a matter of having the energy but, as any of the authors I follow could tell you, I'm actually your weirdly joyful recurring commenter. I'll leave you sincere emoji hearts and "Thank you for writing!" and several "I love this so muuuuch!" or comments about how you made me cry (it's true, y'all make me cry and laugh and yelp.)

No regrets at all, though the comment bot stuff had me rethink my approach to sound a little more like I was actually reading.

I say this so you'll understand that while I didn't rack up numbers on the comment fest, that was because I've commented on most of the fics that are in my bookmarks. I needed new stuff and there was not enough time on the week to read everything I wanted.

General numbers are: 12 comments on 10 fics (one was updating daily and yes I did the thing.)

But I read a bit and found some good stuff! Which led me to the thought "why not make those into recs as well?" After all, it's been a while.

Since I know how wordy I get, I'll put the rest behind the cut. Click for some sweet sweet Genshin Impact recs!

On the 10th the prompt was old fics and new fics.

Despite the site issues, I actually managed to leave a comment on a new fic!

If They Could Talk Reasonably, They Would've By Now, by FollowerofMercy

Rated: Teen and Up

Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply

Characters: Diluc, Kaeya, and Lumine (to save the day) with a cameo by Venti

Ships: gen fic

General vibe: it's a reconciliation fic, but starts with a fist-fight

Trigger warning: none so far

Yeah, yeah, I know most of you prefer reconciliation fics to be about the guys being forced to work together with maybe a side of hurt/comfort, but this fic feels real in a way that'll appeal to anyone with siblings.

The dialogue is fire and Lumine is a marvelous goblin. Also Venti does a sneaky thing, which is something I always approve.

For the 11th the theme was Old, New and under 2k.

Let's start with the new ones (I literally opened the tag and browsed for something that caught my eye.)

the treehouse by rheadaholyc

Rated: General audiences

Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply

Characters: Kaeya & Diluc & Klee with cameos by Albedo and Kaveh

Ships: gen fic

General vibe: the softest fluff

Trigger warning: none

Kaeya promises a treehouse to Klee. Guess where? The result is the cutest little piece of fluff.

This fic was under 2k when it was posted originally, but we sorta egged the author on and now it's a 3 chapter (no regrets at all, I love all of it.) You should read it if you need to soothe your soul.

Work in Progress by echoelbo.

Rated: General audiences

Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply

Characters: Alhaitham, Cyno and assorted Sumeru characters

Ship: Alhaitham/Cyno

General vibe: crack taken seriously

Trigger warning: none

Alhaitham/Cyno fake dating fic, mostly played for comedy (or is it?) Since it's very short I won't spoil you by saying anything else about it. Short and funny is a perfect combo, isn't it?

For old I cheated :)

A new chapter of Paper, Glass, Steel, and Bone [or, The Tensile Strength of Tenacity] by kawree dropped on the 12th and of course I had to read it and comment.

I keep telling everyone to read this fic with mixed results (the rarepair experience after all), but if you want a big cup of Kaeya to go with his cameo in the current event, this fic is what you're looking for.

There's so much lovely banter! The first chapter is a charmer, but I really love that "dinner with the old timers" scene later on (also the hair-brushing one, but all kinds of qpr things make me go weak on the knees) (the thing about the dinner scene is that it's got good dialogue, emotional cues and *throws glitter* drama) and the dialogue in this latest chapter. Ugh, feelings.

The 12th was for AUs so I get to rec the infuriating smart people AU Chiluc fic! Yay!

Edit: I found out the author would rather I don't rec them, so I'm removing this link because I'm too much of a sinner for them.

I also managed to read one of those fics that had been lingering on my Read Later.

It’s like Alice in Wonderland but after falling through a rabbit hole instead of anthropomorphic creatures, card soldiers, and hookah-smoking caterpillars, you get gay smut by Grymmeoir

Rated: Mature (there is sex at the very end of it) (just saying because the rest of the fic is pretty much teen)

Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply

Characters: Childe, Zhongli, Aether, Lumine, cameos by everyone you can imagine

Ships: Childe/Zhongli unless you're the sort that would say this is most certainly Zhongli/Childe ^^

General vibe: absolute crack

Trigger warning: none, unless you react really badly to second-hand embarrassment because Oh Boy

This is an Actor AU Childe/Zhongli thing that is kinda of a fusion with a webnovel that I haven't actually read. It's very funny and was a great thing to read while a cyclone raged outside (we get Weather over here in the bog) (I swear everything's fine.)

When I say this is crack you have to believe me. This fic is about a man that is so fucking oblivious he thinks shipping himself with someone else has nothing to do with real feelings. And let's not talk about Zhongli. 100% proof crack. Fun to read though.

The 13th was for rarepairs, which is a conceptual issue for me in this fandom.

There are two kinds of ships in Genshin: the ones with a whole bunch of fics of all kinds and the ones with 20 smut fics to their name. I'm not very much into smut :/ So I'd like you all to pretend Chiscara is a rarepair. Okay? Okay.

missing missive by childenator3000

Rated: Teen and up

Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply

Characters: Childe, Wanderer (I won't call babygirl Scaramouche regardless of the status of his AO3 tag), Zhongli, Xiao

Ships: Childe/Wanderer, blink and you'll miss it Xiao/Zhongli

General vibe: sweet angsty fluff. What, it makes sense if you think about the feeling.

Trigger warning: none

A sweet little fic about finding out someone was in love with you hundreds of years ago (and might still be?) and/or seeing your love letter in a museum. Very much canon noncompliant as every single shippy fic is, yes, but also because of making stuff up about post-canon. Perfectly nice stuff, though. And, also, very importantly, about IMMORTALS IN LOVE. Big bold letters because that's my absolute favorite romance trope (yes, I'm the audience for all those xianxia dramas about reincarnation and eternal pining.)

The 14th was for trying something new...

... but I'll be real here and say that this was the day that I found this trove of short Kaeluc recs, which is the very opposite of something new.

just say yes by parahelios

Rated: Teen and up

Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply

Characters: Diluc, Kaeya, Lisa

Ships: Diluc/Kaeya

General vibe: sweet, very sweet

Trigger warning: maybe alcohol, but it's not very present.

Short marriage proposal fic with a little miscommunication. Extremely cute.

Three years apart by Pas_Cal

Rated: General audiences

Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply

Characters: Diluc, Kaeya

Ships: Diluc/Kaeya

General vibe: yummy angst

Trigger warning: none

Diluc/Kaeya angsty reconciliation but make it a messy kabedon thing.

Then I felt bad for doing the opposite of the prompt and decided to read a rarepair from one of the characters I don't usually ship, in this case the Wanderer.

(please ignore the fact that this list has another Wanderer ship fic. I generally headcanon babygirl as aroace for obvious reasons.)

Best choice I could have made, since I found a fic that made me stay awake past bedtime (best kind of fic).

appleseed by moonbell (snowdrops)

Rated: Teen and up

Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply

Characters: Kaveh, Wanderer, cameos by Alhaitham, Cyno, Tighnari and Nahida

Ships: Kaveh/Wanderer

General vibe: fragile build up of trust, beautifully rendered

Trigger warning: none

This fic is tagged as relationship study, but it's more like a character study of both of them, together and alone. The author here does this spectacular thing, managing to write an one-shot that reads like 50 chapters of slow burn.

The relationship develops in this slow, gentle way and the prose is absolutely beautiful. Seriously, this story is constructed like well-made lace in cobweb weight yarn.

(Additionally, if you are into reading people's thoughts about their writing, the author has a whole site with a bunch of commentary linked at the end notes. A real treat if you are also the sort of person that would be suffering in Haravatat.)

That's it for today! I swear I'll get around making a true Chasm Delving Highlight Reel some other day, the recs are piling up here.

And, if you have no idea what the hell I'm talking about, here's the link to my other Genshin Impact recs. Enjoy!

[keefwho]

January 24 - 2023

11:59 PM

I really am just holding myself back from a breakdown constantly. Like I always mask my problems until I can’t hold it anymore, have an episode, and go back to covering it up. But I’ve never been so aware that I am constantly on the brink of emotional disaster. 

Insecurities eat away at me. Wondering if people like me or if I’m good enough. All it takes is someone to suggest that I’m not doing something I should be doing. Like learning how to drive. All of a sudden I feel like I’m falling behind or am inherently doomed to fail from here on out. I used to not care what anyone thought about anything. I don’t know what changed. Maybe the need to fit in more since it requires valuing other’s opinions more. 

I lack a plan. I need a plan. A plan based on something with reasonable goals. 

I feel like I’m just back in another part of my emotional cycle. I develop a system, slowly rely on it too much until I’ve reverbed into myself too much, break down completely, and create a new system. Ups and downs are normal but my downs tend to be catastrophic. The only good thing about this is each system does seem to last a little bit longer. I think there is very slow progress. 

I hate picking myself back up in the cycle knowing that I’m going to fall again. But I guess thats how the cycle goes. All that matter is that I don’t stop getting back up. 

It’s fascinating trying to figure out my own psychology. I never thought I’d begin to get over my fear of getting sick but I’ve made enough progress with that to start solving other problems. That problem in particular was a matter of survival, or what felt like survival. That was about taming my fight or flight in relation to things that should not be triggering it. Now my problem is about finding out who I am as a person. My identify. Also learning to love myself. 

I can safely say I do not love myself currently. I can’t say I hate myself either. But I avoid myself. I don’t like to think about who I am, it makes me cringe. I have to figure out why. One theory I had tonight is how I’ve been made out to be the weird one my entire life. This inferiority complex of mine has been forged over my entire life and I think I cope by avoiding acknowledging myself. It’s easier when I ignore the person that I am and instead become a character that distracts itself with stimuli. Whenever I’m left alone and realize I’m a person, it’s easy to break down when I realize how pathetic I see myself as. 

Breaking this way of thinking will involve looking at myself more realistically I’m sure. Just like how I did with my fears. From experience I’ve been able to re-assure myself that I am okay based on evidence and actually believe it. I’m sure the same logic could be applied over time to my self worth. If I can discover factual value in myself, then if I start to feel inadequate I could likely remind myself of my value. But that also means I have to figure out what my values are too. It’s a very complex problem. 

It’s scary that I can’t even grasp the entirety of the issue. I am forced to develop a plan in order to deal with all the moving parts that contribute to it. I know I can do it but it will be hard and I will stumble a lot. But I’ll also make fast progress at the start which is always exciting. 

As goofy as this sounds, I hadn’t admitted to myself there was an issue with my self worth. It seems obvious, just like my anxiety. I could “admit” there was something wrong but I didn’t really believe it in my core. I’m beginning to realize just how important it is to be on my own side. I feel foolish for not realizing it sooner. It feels good and hopefully people won’t think it’s weird if I try to talk to them about this, if I end up feeling the need. 

Somewhere inside of me there is a person that has been neglected by himself. The me typing this is a sort of character being puppeted by that person. It’s still “me” but with a bunch of masks on. I need to merge the two together so I can begin operating as a whole-er person. I want to set myself free. 

[sarcastic-salem]

I find myself curled up in bed crying much more often since I’ve gone off hormones. Not because I stopped taking them although that does make me sad. Somewhat. But because I feel safer now to address parts of my trauma that I had repressed.

I think that I was effected by toxic masculinity as well. I was told I had to feel a certain way and perform certain actions in order to be valid. I am not a performer.

But I refuse to live my life in a permanent state of political rebellion.

Cause that’s how it felt trying to live as a feminine trans man. I tried it and ya know what — its not my responsibility. Its not my job to be angry at all the injustices men and transmasc people face. I am angry about it, but I do not have to be angry all the time. I choose not to be. I am not a superhero and I am done living a life full of anger and resentment.

I cannot live happily that way, so I refuse to live that way.

And I’ve been enjoying presenting femme and using feminine pronouns again. I use — he/she/they pronouns by the way. I use them interchangeably. Presenting femme has brought about its own set of triggers and repressed traumas.

I’ve been having a lot of flashbacks about my abusers.

Like when my ex-husband and I decided to experiment with kink for the first time. He came in our room, straddled me, and put a pillowcase over my head. He was completely silent and unsmiling the whole time, and he had NOT asked my permission before doing this. I had NOT consented to this, so I freaked the fuck out and made him get the hell off of me.

That is NOT how kink is supposed to work.

And this may sound unbearably stupid, but for a long time I couldn’t figure out what he could have possibly been thinking when he decided to that. No one ever commented on the situation. Probably because they pitied me. Then a while ago, I realized it was because he would have rather been with anyone but me.

“It was between you and this one other girl.”

That’s what my last semi-serious boyfriend told me. To my face. And it wasn’t until recently that I realized how completely disrespectful it was that he said that to me. That I had been his second choice. I can’t help wondering if it had been a test because he was frightening — he had spent three years in prison for assault with a deadly weapon. Which he did not tell me until the relationship had already gotten serious. He was controlling and emotionally abusive.

I can’t help wondering if he wanted to see how much of a fight I would put up.

And I think about that all the time now.

When I find myself curled up in bed, I feel like I don’t deserve to cry. Or to feel grief. Or pain. I feel like I have to hold it in.

“Its okay to cry,” Loki will tell me. “You’re allowed to feel. No matter what gender you are — no matter who you are, you’re allowed to feel.”

Sometimes when I feel like Loki is about touch me or when I think he might say something flirty or playful, I can’t help but flinch and I get so angry. I get angry at myself cause I know he would never hurt me.

Loki thinks this is a good thing. He thinks I am healing and making good progress because I am finally processing my emotions.

But I don’t want him to say kind things to me. I want him to hate me for doubting him and for being timid with him. Even if its only temporary.