#I knew my grandma quite well and knowing her is how I learned to accept a lot of what was later diagnosed as ADHD traits in myself

[spoonstrek]

My grandparents wrote genealogy books about each of their families. Seeing how they each organized their own books about their own families is this really interesting look into how they both functioned and you can actually feel the autism radiating off the page in my grandpa's books.

[lilacthebooklover]

An analysis of Rococo (OMORI), because he doesn't get enough love :)

This is an analysis of Rococo as a character, looking into almost every word he says and interpreting them. It's time to find out just how tragic this funny little artist man can be >:]

"I've been alone for so long... but after what feels like an eternity... At last... I have... an audience!"// "PLEASE LISTEN! I'M SO LONELY!!"

He's been alone for ages, judging by Sweetheart’s long-lasting relationship with Spaceboy, him falling in love and moving in with SWH when she got her castle 'as a young donut', and his loneliness . This is someone who hasn't spoken to anyone in years and is willing to beg for a bit of company. 

He also clearly thrives on attention, both from this quote and the grand flamboyance of others, so being without that for so long must have been terrible for him. While 'what feels like an eternity' could quite probably be a hyperbole, he's had no way to tell the time since he's been literally trapped inside the walls.

The poor guy's so lonely . :[ 

"In the beginning was me... crying in a pod in the middle of space... witnessing my home planet blow up right before my eyes." // "I can still remember it all so vividly... Fire... Fire... everywhere... and then darkness." // "Even as a baby, I knew I was the sole survivor of my species... the last elf in the entire universe."

I know this is a Superman reference, but I’m going to treat it as its own separate thing for the sake of the backstory :)

Immediately, this shows us that he's lost his home as a child (being a literal baby when his planet was destroyed) alongside any family, friends or even people of the same species. He was completely alone from the start, and there's no way that something like this wouldn't cause issues later on.

Also, the fact that he remembers this shows two things: A- this affected him so deeply that it remains with him to the present day; and B- he can remember it despite being incredibly young. This means that it's likely he remembers a lot more , having such an extensive memory– e.g. everything that happened with SWH, too: them being close, her claiming 'Sweetheart is for everyone', himself getting abducted by the guards, every moment of living in the walls... It may be a stretch, but it's a possibility, and his storytelling shows that he may overdramatise his past a lot, but there are still some key facts within it.

The repetition of 'fire' makes it seem like he's almost reliving it, caught up in his memories. This is a tragic backstory already , and this is just the first 2 lines.

""So this is how it ends..." I thought."

There's no panic, no regret. Just pure, depressing acceptance. He was ready to die, knowing that he couldn't do anything to stop it and having been exposed to death so early on.

(This is also likely just something he made up remembering for the effect, but that shows that either then or later on, he realised he could very well have died in that desert. Ouch)

"Yet... In a stroke of luck, I was found by none other than a young DONUT by the name of SWEETHEART. She brought me to her family and they took me in as one of their own."

He and Sweetheart grew up in the same house, the same area of Faraway, best friends. They seemed to be like siblings, judging by her taking him in, them fighting, and knowing and caring about each other incredibly well. This makes her later betrayal all the more heartbreaking because this isn't just a woman Rococo's pined for before, but rather his entire world . 

He never mentions Donut Grandma or any other relatives outside of this, just her. They don't mention him, either.

 He doesn't have any friends, or a close bond with anybody , except  for Sweetheart, who intentionally locked him in her walls for years. Again, Rococo's completely alone.

"It was a rough childhood. We fought frequently, but she would always win... If I fought back... Well... ..." // "Anyway! I learned to run! And I got quite good at running… But... there's only so far you can run." // "Yes, it was a hard time. But even through that suffering, I stood firm."

I have... A lot of feelings about this part.

He describes his childhood as 'rough' even after he was rescued, which is immediately a red flag. He says that he and Sweetheart fought frequently, and it doesn't seem like any adults broke up their arguments.

Then, Rococo says that SWH always won. They would get mad or disagree, but even as a child, Sweetheart refused to accept she was wrong. This says a lot about her character; Sweetheart's always been like this.

'Fought back' means that Sweetheart had to be fighting him in the first place, and Rococo just had to take it. He was getting hurt, either physically or verbally, on the regular.

The frequent ellipsis throughout show how difficult it is for him to remember and share this. He cuts himself off a few times, his voice trailing off, while never explicitly saying what Sweetheart did.

However, as a result of Sweetheart having different opinions to him, Rococo 'learned to run' . This means he had to be running from something, his forced cheer at the matter and determination to change subjects and make his story dramatic and lighthearted again demonstrated through the exclamation mark. 

Then, there's the phrase, '...there's only so far you can run'. He's speaking from experience here, and it really brings to question again just what he had to run from, and why. 

Furthermore, this is immediately followed by, 'Yes, it was a hard time', showing that he found simply growing up around her– and having reason to run– difficult. This is to be expected growing up with Sweetheart, but the fact that he didn’t seem to have anyone else means that she was his only company constantly. His childhood is far sadder than I initially realised.

'Suffering' again shows us just how much he endured as a child; I'll go back into this in the next point.

"Because even then, I knew everything had a purpose. I was sent to this planet and survived for one reason and one reason only... to repopulate my entire species."

Rococo ploughed through his 'suffering' for only one reason: he felt it was his obligation to repopulate his wiped-out species. That's... Actually really disturbing, when you think about it.

Rococo doesn't think he's alive for the sake of being alive. He doesn't think he was just fortunate enough to survive. He believes that he has been kept alive by the fates solely in order to procreate.

This is an impossible goal, too, since he is the only one left. There are no other elves for him to have kids with– even if they were, options for partners would be incredibly limited and based not on love, but necessity. At best, he could make hybrid elf-donut kids with Sweetheart, but he can't repopulate his species. What he views as his only purpose is one he isn't even able to fulfil.

This is also a huge weight on his shoulders. There would always be that sense of estrangement since he is the only one of his kind, his desire to make more showcasing even that hidden hope for those like him. Because people like to be around those of the same likes, interests and species , but for Rococo, that last bit's impossible.

Loneliness is the centre of his entire backstory, and has followed him relentlessly throughout. 

"There is a conspicuous gap in my memory after this, so I'll fast-forward a few years." // "At some point... SWEETHEART and I fell deeply in love, became engaged, and moved to this giant castle together!"

This has some truly horrible implications. 

Rococo, having remembered his time as a literal baby, lost an entire chunk of his memories as a (presumable) adult? It doesn't seem likely, and 'conspicuous' only further supports this.

The fact that this is immediately followed by him and SWH falling in love seems wrong , to say the least. Rococo has just said he suffered at her hands, fought frequently with her, learned to run because of her, and now, he doesn't even remember falling in love with her.

One moment, he's living in Orange Oasis with his adoptive family. In the next, he's engaged to Sweetheart in a giant pink castle with no clue how he got there.

What seems more likely is that Sweetheart, who loves people loving her , got frustrated with Rococo's lack of blind adoration and decided to do something about it. 

It seems that here is when she encountered the Keeper of the Castle, who she begged to make the castle hers. In the Keeper's words: "That girl. She was an elaborate one.

This dwelling. It takes the shape of one's deepest desires. A place to return to. Somewhere to call home."

Her 'deepest desires' resulted in Rococo having a years-long gap in his memory before finding out he was apparently in love with and engaged to Sweetheart. He probably believed this, too, as by that point, he would have been affected by the Castle he now resided within. 

The Keeper said he gave her "A castle full of riches, servants for her to command, a stage for her to flaunt her power". He does not mention Rococo, but this tells us about SWH's desire for power and reveals that the sprout moles are either of Sweetheart’s creation/wants or were tricked into loving her.

If it is the latter, the same would have likely applied to Rococo.

"We were inseparable, her and I... and we loved each other dearly! I would do anything for her, and I mean anything!"

The ellipsis here indicates either that Rococo looks back on this fondly or with unease. The following exclamation mark again shows that he's trying to make his story seem happy, trying to convince himself that the only person he was close to genuinely cared about him as a person.

The emphasis on 'anything' once again contradicts his feelings prior to the memory gap, suggesting that Rococo's mind has, in fact, been tampered with. There is no mention of SWH doing anything for him– only the Keeper' remark on her hunger for power.

Needless to say, this doesn't suggest that their relationship was particularly healthy .

"I was ready to spend the rest of our lives together... to grow old... and to raise hundreds upon hundreds of children!" // "Hmm... Thinking about it now, I wonder if I ever made that clear to her."

Again, he longs for people of the same type and is excited to fulfil what he believes is his purpose. He made it clear quite early on that he's always wanted to be a father, so him not mentioning this to Sweetheart ever seems unlikely. 

Knowing SWH, she was probably far more focused on her own wants than Rococo's, regardless of his feelings. Their relationship was based off of what she wanted– and it seemed that Rococo grew a little too attached for her liking.

"Alas, all good times must come to an end. As SWEETHEART's fan base grew, she and I grew apart as well."

He views their relationship as 'good times', despite what he's depicted being sudden and unequally reciprocated devotion. As Sweetheart became more centred on her fame and fans, Rococo grew more and more alone. 

Again .

"She began receiving gifts and letters from suitors from all over the universe... asking for a chance to prove their love to her."

The ellipsis once again shows his hesitation. He doesn't want to remember this, yet recounts it all the same as it is an integral part of his story. She’s the only person he has, and Rococo doesn’t want to lose her.

Don't forget that by this point, he and Sweetheart were engaged . 

"Being her one true love, I was vehemently against this notion! But she wouldn't have it!" // "“SWEETHEART is for sharing!” she would say!"

They are planning on getting married by this point. Sweetheart is all Rococo has, and he has said that he would have done anything for her.

And yet, that wasn't enough for Sweetheart. Rococo is being perfectly reasonable here, yet once again, he suffered as a result. This is a sad echo of their apparent fights as children.

"..." // "So... one night while I was asleep... SWEETHEART and her servants tied me up and sealed me inside the walls of her castle."

The pause here shows his sadness at this, seeming to have to take a moment for himself before speaking. Here, his grandeur is gone, replaced by pure misery.

Sweetheart assisted in tying him up, and as the guards were manifested from her desires, them helping her get rid of him shows that she simply no longer desired Rococo.

This would have been traumatising in itself– being kidnapped in the middle of the night and aware enough to see your attackers–, but the fact that Rococo knew and trusted her so much makes this even sadder.

He had nobody else, and Sweetheart sealed him away for what was probably intended to be forever. Rococo, once again, was alone .

"I have been wandering aimlessly through the darkness inside the walls ever since... surviving off old TOAST and TOFU." // "Yes... You four are the first living beings I have seen since that fateful day."

Firstly... Toast? As in, toast that people become if they lose a fight? As in, toast that is essentially dead bodies?

Considering all of Sweetheart’s skeletons in the dungeon, it would not be a surprise if the corpses of those she executed were also thrown into the walls– anything SWH didn't want, after all.

Rococo, potentially having never been exposed to the concept of toast=person, had to survive off of this. What's even worse is that he could have known what it was yet had no choice but to eat it, supported by the use of ‘living’ in the above quote. This also means he's been here for a while , long enough to start starving and for SWH to make through multiple seasons of a show and date Spaceboy.

If that isn't a horrifying thought, then what is?

Secondly, he became absolutely isolated after this. Left with no closure and no explanation, Rococo can only wonder what went so wrong for this to happen.

Living in the walls means he could have been able to hear everything SWH was doing– including her courtship of Spaceboy and 'Sweetheart Quest for Hearts'.

Either that, or he’s been exposed to no other form of human contact for years. He's also in a dungeon , with no natural light and a distinct lack of hygiene or, well, anything really.

"Sniff... Oh... SWEETHEART... Why did you do it? Was I not good enough for you?"

He doesn't blame her. He doesn't blame the fans.

Rococo blames himself .

His idea of 'not being good enough' for Sweetheart is equivalent to him being locked in her walls to rot for years. This is someone who is very much not okay.

He has to stop himself from crying here, sniffing as he laments what he views as his failure. Because Rococo has been alone for his entire life, and Sweetheart was the only exception.

He loved her more than anything, so it's hard for him even after he's found to view her as in the wrong. Sweetheart, after all, was always the one to win their arguments, to do something that caused Rococo to run if he fought back.

!

"Sigh... For the last few years, I've had a long time to think." // "I kind of gave up on my dreams and all that stuff now... It all seems so far away and pointless..." // "So... I've decided to drop everything and become an artist instead!"

He's given up on his dreams. Rococo's main one was to repopulate his species, but now, he can't think of anyone who loves him. It takes two people to make a child, and Rococo's all alone.

So, he's left without a purpose. He has nothing to do but utilise his surroundings– until Omori & co. find him, Rococo believes he's never going to leave the dungeon. So, he decides to use what he has available.

And that's painting supplies. He aspires to become an artist, waiting and waiting for anyone to make art for. He's desperate to be commissioned, to have a purpose again.

We never actually see him leave the dungeon, but he had to be getting those bed upgrades from somewhere . Imagine, after years of solitude, Rococo finally manages to leave the walls, only to retreat back to them at the first possible opportunity. He doesn't know how to live anymore, how to be around other people.

He feels incredibly lonely, but can't find the strength to interact with others anymore.

Art becomes his only reason for existing, Rococo devoting every bit of his time to it until he masters it. But then...

"Thank you, fellow living beings. Through these few commissions... I feel as if I had made great leaps in my quest of self-discovery in the process. I am also very rich now." // "I can do no more for you! I truly feel complete!"

'Fellow living beings'. Rococo's so socially awkward by this point that it's not even funny (okay, maybe it's a little funny). He feels the need to remind himself that he is, in fact, still alive.

He 'feels complete'. There's nothing more for him. He is ready to pass away.

Now, Rococo has managed to 'find his purpose', be it what he originally intended or not. He's become as good as he can at what he focused on doing, except...

...There's nowhere to go from there. 

Rococo will inevitably be left alone once again, trapped in a cycle of loneliness and purposelessness. If his purpose is to be an artist, how will he get any better than he already is? If he wants to spend his money, what will he use it on?

At the end of this story, just like the rest of the points throughout, Rococo is still alone. 

He has money, he has his art, he has a comfortable bed, but he still possesses a total of zero friends. Omori and co. are customers. Sweetheart is in Deeper Well, working for the Slime Girls and not giving a toss about him. None of his adoptive relatives in Orange Oasis seem to care about him.

Rococo always has been, and seemingly always will be, all by himself– all the way up until he dies, just like the rest of his kind. He was never able to complete his original goal, he is left with nothing more to do after completing his last commission, and he has nothing more to spend his money on.

Because Rococo is alone once again

The End :)

Huh, that turned out a little longer than I thought it would. Oh well :)

Rococo's such a fun character but I barely see anyone talking about him, so I hope you enjoyed this little look into him! He's so silly and dramatic and angsty :D

Thanks for getting this far lol

[luvpogl-music]

And so now where were we my, midnight minions, in the words of this magical mystery tour we began last night about one special girl and one special boy that blessed the world for all of us. Oh, yes I believe dangling ankles had just been put back to rest and since last night the boys went first, let us continue tonight with rule number one any gentlemen should learn; so ladies first tonight and we will see whats going on with the magic that newborn girl was given to hold on too.

It was not long after grandmother had fell back to rest with a gentle rocking to keep the peace of her soul in line with time when that baby girl broke the morning with laughs and goo's. So excited with the morning that little girl got too loud for grandma to longer ignore. Whisping the child into her arms wrapped in swaddling cloths they rushed to the table for girl talk and breakfast. Finishing the conversations from the night before, soon mother and father arrived to claim the newborn prize.

Through the night the parents had discussed it in depth just what to call this newborn gift they had been given (NO, it's not @taylorswift if anyone reads this) they named the child Noira as was the claim her grandmother laid upon her head the night before. Little Noira was quite a child to contend with blessed with many gifts including one of charm that could not be resisted.

As this little girl grew to a young child her parents began to notice odd things in her progression. Now to most parents this would have been cause for concern, but not for them they gave her the support and strength to accept it; even when the days came that it was clear she was nothing like the other kids. She played with spiders in her hair and kept imaginary friends in the basket of her bicycles long past the age that is acceptable by doctor's standards. At such a young age she never cared or understood what all the fuss was about; but her parents kept close watch protecting her close from the world most children are exposed too.

For many blessed with this condition they would have grown spoiled and rotten, but for her it just made her heart grow bigger and bigger welling up with excitement and surprise; never giving up just how magical the world was even when no one else could see it. And Noir soon grew into adolescence, that age when kids start to change from purity of their youth and allow themselves to accept the pressures and ridicules of friends. On occasions she would find herself back visiting with grandma who helped her through the times she couldn't understand it or started to regret it.

It was established early on between granddaughter and grandmother that this secret was never to be spoke of in detail, even with mom and dad. It was a girls secret passed down from Eve that only the two of them could ever know, in part to keep it special and in part because it was well known among the two tribes that became twelve the power this gift held, setting among them the evil seed of deception and pride trying to steal it from those blessed by it.

When she did not have grandma to talk to her about it, there were only her invisible friends to help reason it out, after all grandma said they were all right as long as she learned to keep them secret as she got older or their would certainly be trouble for her and everyone that could not understand a connection so close to a world that didn't exist, one that no one else could see, save the sons and daughters held in the bosom Abraham.

Just before her teen years began strange things began to happen to Noir, things that were often just excused as the changes a girl goes through as she gets older, but Noir knew this was different then any of her friends at school would speak of and often she found herself putting on the face of laughter and agreement with them to placate there senses, but inside she only sunk deeper into her spirits making her feel odd and alone in this crowded world of so many.

When these feeling began to take over, she started writing words and poems to help express the thoughts she could tell no one else about; she could always offer them to heaven, stuck in a box under her bed she'd kept them hoping one day those prayers would come true. And with little guidance to guide her journey through it, as is way for any true Hebrew child.

As time went on and the voices of her soul got louder and louder she began to dream big things and convinced herself this gift of magic of hers was meant to take her on a journey through the stars as she had learned that some of them. especially the founders of places like Hollywood, knew well of the gift with which no one ever spoke, it was just understood.

She began to harness the voices of those spirits she could hear and mark their words into poems, the strongest ones were those she could relate so close to in their feelings. It was not just radio or televisions that ushered them in, she sometimes became so enthralled with the words of a book or story that more than once she fell of her seat while reading them. As if the symbols on the page wrapped her in a blanket pulling her into the scene.

Using the talent and putting in much hard work trying to develop the skill and practice it took, it was not long before she found herself cast into the lion's den of life, believing that those around her too understood just where all those gifts of music she made came from, not realizing that most of them had no clue, they just sought to exploit it for there dreams of gold and chains at her expense. And although it hurt from a distance as every grown member of a tribe knows, she had to learn it for herself.

What she never knew and no one told her before that some of those things she wrote and sang weren't meant for her to take, they were someone else's breath from God above, but as a child even He couldn't fault a child acting through the courage of innocence.

[So, that's where we will leave this little girl Noir tonight, wrapped in the cocoon of her dreams, no where near ready to become a butterfly yet. Knocking on the door of a trouble all teenagers must walk through, and some never return, learning that more people are built in this world to hurt rather than love and comforted still by the fact that a knight donned in blue and gold would rush in one day and take her away from the madness that had begun]

[intrusive-thoughtz]

I don't talk about this much, but what a better place to talk about it and a place where no one knows me on the internet.

I bought a tektite rock a few years ago and I don't wear it often because it jumbles my brain. It's supposed to be a stone to assist with astral past lives and balancer. Thoughts. Well it's been quite the opposite. Everything is so loud. I've dreams of lives. I guess I've lived. I psychically can feel my ex-boyfriend who is my twin flame. Thinking about me and that one is extremely extremely fucking annoying.

well I had the sudden urge to part and start locking my hair like I've wanted you for quite some time. I magically knew exactly how to part it even though I've never done this before. I knew exactly what to use. And the more I see myself with this style I feel like I'm finally becoming the person in my spirit. I look at myself and I don't recognize myself. I see a person I was once in a past life and it's really fucking with me. I've been avoiding the mirror. I don't know who that person is. I literally don't even see me.

thinking about it. I will be only person in my present day family to accept the true nature of our people. Try to learn our native language that my grandma took with her to the grave. Have my natural hair and it's natural state, one layer and one of the only people in our family to know the true history of our people because I'm consistently educating myself and reading.

and the worst part is reading some of those things. There are flashbacks I get of a a life that is currently not this one. And I know I sound crazy. But I lived before Columbus arrival. I lived through prosecution. I've lived many times. I've been lynched a few of them. I've been shot in the back. I've been headstrong in every single one of them. My hatred for men and using them as sexual beings literally comes from my life in the late 1800s where I poisoned men. I don't even know how I know these things. I've tried to do research nothing clicks. I just know who I was and it makes me sound crazy and it makes me isolate myself because I can't connect with people.

I am exhausted. Emotionally physically exhausted of living. I feel like every time I come back to this planet it's just the same shit different time and it's exhausting.

[poly-queer-nomad]

Email to Grandma

Hey, grandma. I asked Gabi for your new email since I didn't have it. I asked her a while ago, but I haven't sent a message yet because I have been avoiding it. The reason why I have been avoiding it is because the last time I was over, and the times before that you haven't respected my pronouns or name. After some time thinking about it, I am hoping that it's just because of your age. That you're just very forgetful and that you wouldn't disrespect me. Even if it's something you don't understand. I know that learning a new name can be hard, especially neo pronouns. But, it would mean a lot to me if you would put in effort. With the evolution of life, neo pronouns are becoming more popular, and also people using They/Them as pronouns. It's becoming the new normal, and accepted. Though, some places like Texas, and Tennessee are trying to make laws against Trans people, and even Drag queens. It's scary. They are trying to also slowly take away free speech. Which as they slowly do that, the pride fests that used to exist with riots might be happening again soon. I would be surprised if they didn't with how everything is going downhill now.  

If my thoughts were right about how you just are very forgetful, and it's age. I will continue to let you know what's been going on with me. 

As you know Alakzandar and I have been saving up to live on the road. The past year I realized that not only because of us working our butts off to save up money to do this by barely going out to hangout with people. Do fun things. Etc. But, also because the breakup with Freyja has really caused a lot of trauma for me. Not just the breakup itself, but everything that Megan caused with it as well. I tried to pack it all in a little box and forget about it. But, that's not healthy. It made me lose trust with people. Made me put up walls I used to have years ago. I started to not want to reach out to family, or friends. Or even make new friends. I kept to myself, and just focused on my goal with nothing else in sight. 

I still don't know if I will be the person I once was before the breakup, but that's okay. We are human after all and always changing. We will always question who we are. It's just been harder than it has been for quite some time to know who I am. I feel like I always defined myself by the people I hangout with. But, with me only working and coming home to work on pricing everything to sell, or cooking, to eat, and head to bed. I don't have the guidelines I once had to know who I am. 

I feel like I lost a huge part of myself. But, I feel like that's got to be normal after a breakup. Along with losing a best friend. Megan. Then before that, losing mom. After losing mom I really didn't know who I was anymore. I feel like what made me feel like I had gravity on this earth, was her. I feel alone. Maybe that's because I told mom everything that went on in my head. I knew I could, because I knew she would never judge me for anything I told her. She was always very open minded, and willing to learn. That's probably why all my friends called her mom, and reached out to her. 

I feel like traveling will give me the answers I am searching for... Who Am I 

I remember when I was a little girl. Mom and I were driving past Washington Elementary School. Mom asked what I wanted to do when I grew up. I pointed at this RV, and said "I want to live in that, and travel the world." I was so so small. I am surprised I even remember that memory. But, it stuck. Just like the memory of me wanting to be a model, when I was like three years old. Which I am glad I took that path, and got to experience being a runway model. It was very empowering. 

We bought a truck. We are getting our RV in about two weeks or less, we already have money down on it. It's a 5th wheel. Pretty big, compared to what we thought we were going to originally get. But this way we can keep all our animals. Currently, I have been searching for remote jobs. I got an offer for one, and have a 2nd job interview Monday for another job. So for money making, I will have one on the road. Alakzandar is looking at jobs for Forests, or Campgrounds. We would have the company pay for our RV site, plus him hourly. Then I could stay home and work, and the animals wouldn't be alone. If Alakzandar can't find a job, he will just find a normal job, and we will pay for an RV ground. Then just stay there for a few months, and travel once it gets cold. Just keep moving slowly. 

I never felt like Wisconsin was enough for me, Which is probably why I have packed my bags and left like three times now. But, coming back due to many issues I ran into. I am hoping since I will have a home on wheels that this is it. That if I don't like a place, or it's too expensive that I can just leave, but keep my home with me. It's funny really... I used to make sure that I didn't have that many things so I knew I could pack up my car and leave. But, after being with Freyja, I thought that settling down was the best thing. So, I started to buy more and more things. I remember having a breakdown once to Freyja about being settled down... How uncomfortable that made me. She told me that I would get used to it. But, I don't think I ever want to get used to that feeling. I want to see the world. Mom did too. 

Mom taught me to love nature. The love for hiking. I used to just do it with her to do something with her. I thought it was somewhat boring. But, as I grew older I found the love for it more and more. When I wanted to move out of state before, it was because I wanted to get away from everything. Everyone. Now, I want to leave because I have seen almost everything Wisconsin has to offer with nature. Did you know I will travel three hours, just for a hike?... Then just drive back home once I am done with the hike. I have done that so much that there isn't anything left anymore. Some places up north of Wisconsin I haven't seen everything. But, I have gotten hotels just to visit more places up north. It's beautiful. There are so many waterfalls, it doesn't even seem like the Wisconsin we know over here. 

Hiking makes me feel alive. Makes living seem worth it. Seeing new things. Mushrooms, plants, bugs, water formations. Birds. Kayaking in the water. Soon I hope to be able to do skydiving. I tried Ziplining once. It was too boring for me. Too safe. 

I have a vlog on tiktok, but I think I am going to start one on Youtube. You could watch them if you wanted, see where I have been. I want to share my experience with others. To share, to inspire. 

I love you, Grandma.

[zoekrystall]

Ok I'm back and Normal™ again. Nonetheless rant again whoops (covid and family stuff at the end bc fuck my relatives)

The trains back were full which was agony but at least by then it was different. Also I was nice 1h is wrong it's like 2h to and 2h back. 4h travel in often than not packed trains for short appointments yay. Even forced socializing combats it. Was nonetheless oh so fun having to traveling while the oktoberfest made it worse bc as if germany learns shit 🙃. I care so little abt that thing since forever I forgot that happened. Not as if it's that much better but I will so someday move to a different state. I can absolutely not w bavaria in countless aspects.

Anyways I also absolutely fucking hate how people try to push me out bc if covid/health wasn't a gigantic concern that I cannot push aside then I would love to travel to the city! I love to socialize w friend by going to restaurants or the cinema or just strolling around places! I love meeting people in person and do stuff. But alas. Not every cautious person is someone who rather stays inside anyways. And even if no-one wants to not see people in person all year round. I went to the cinema w friends prior a lot prior to 2020. Also people do meet there are measurements it's not all or nothing. I would write more if it wasn't a personal post I won't waste energy explaining or preaching stuff bc like if you follow me you're anyways cautious. Just blowing steam off bc ffs am I tired everytime anyone tells me anything in that regard. I primarily hate how people that don't know me well try to once again paint me as someone who hates like every irl human interaction possible and doesn't ever go outside (my mother included bc she never bothered).

Also while I'm at it I am not suprised my aunt voted the nazi party. Who would have guessed the woman I had an argument with over dinner years ago abt how a patient shouldn't be treated by black people bc "that old woman is old and has dementia and fears them" and how I said in short that that racist patient just has to suck it up bc bigotry is never justified. I am so glad I never decided to live by her and man did I ever say that my grandma victimized herself constantly bc she said I was arguing with her purely bc I didn't go along w her racist or otherwise ableist views and made me homeless bc of that (she knew I absolutely did not want to go back home bc of my mom's partner. alas I am back here but it's survivable now at least). All of them can go die in a ditch. When I had covid once did I nonetheless try to not infect them bc that makes you an asshole and fuck did they make it hard why the fuck do people willingly want to get infected. I really hope my cousin is doing well bc she already had it multiple times and I don't wish that on anyone and she's at least better from what I know. But alas having contact with any relative will be unwillingly tied to see my grandma again and maybe even my aunt so nope it is. Save to say I will not let them help w this house once it belongs to me I do not even want them in the radius of this place.

My anger is primarily at my aunt and grandma bc I think my first cousin is fine my sec cousin did I kinda grow apart w (had a kinda sibling relationship with those two as kid. was fun) and third cousin like sorry but don't really care. The third likes elon and others similar and that is all I need to know aka no thanks. Also I know the most abt my aunt and grandma bc older people love to talk abt their bad political views and spew racist stuff. Oh wow they accept me as a queer kid but that doesn't do shit when I had to make my grandma not say the n word in what 2020 or 2021 and often hear racist or ableist stances. I don't fucking care if anyone is queer or a queer ally when they hate other groups and I hate how a lot of white people don't give a damn abt that. Esp if racist or ableist. Quit calling queerphobes delusional/narcissists/psychopath/etc or I will maul you. Anyways I bet that place would be a nightmare to live in reg how much palestine gets smeared as bad in the media. Never again my ass.

Rant. Hate traveling to the city so much.

I need to get to the big city today and I am this fucking close to biting and going feral. Why the fuck do you wait by the door so much prior to the destination coming leave me the fuck alone you people had sit places. And of course no-one wears a mask so not suprised. Get away. And also of fucking course this train system is useless as fuck and I come 20 minutes at min later to my appointment and if that isn't fine then I'm going to go feral for real I'm already so done. If selfish people wouldn't be assholes could I maybe at least eat or drink between leaving and coming back home but I'm not risking shit. Fucking hate here man I wonder why I either barely go out or if exclusively with other people and then this is the state and I remember. The coughing just adds I don't want anymore. If anyone starts to sit next to me without a mask will I have even more bloodlust. If I'm lucky I get cozy and turn into snuggle cat mode once home and if not will I have to sleep again bc otherwise I will be unable to function for anything bc only one emotion is allowed to exist until sleep reset.

[galactictwilight]

Day 4: Box

Warnings: Dark and mentions/implies graphic injures

Summery:

"Is there any other secrets about our family that you, grandma, and dad haven't told me?" Sam questioned as she gave her mother a searching gaze.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Is there any other secrets about our family that you, grandma, and dad haven't told me?" Sam questioned as she gave her mother a searching gaze.

Pamela looked at her daughter with a fragile smile, the sadness from their previous conversion still lingering, but seemed to be slowly draining away as Pamela pondered on the question. She leisurely strode her way back to the lounge and took a seat on the right most side. Pamela patted the open seat next to her with her left hand as a silent invitation, which Sam accepted as she moved to sit with her mother. With her right hand, Pamela delicately lifted a cup of tea, that had long since cooled, off the console table and took a deep sip before answering.

"The only thing that comes to mind is how I actually met your father and why we chose to live in Amity Park." Pamela said, voice still soft, but growing in strength.

"Wait! -So, that gushy story you and dad told me-" Sam began

"Was not the real story, dear." Pamela finished with an abashed smile that didn't quite reach her eyes, before she quickly continued when she noticed her daughters disgruntled expression and opening mouth. "We where going to tell you the truth when you where older-"

"what! When I'm old enough to live on my own!" Sam cut in with a slight harsh edge to her voice. Sam had a frustrated look on her face for a moment, before she took an deep breath and let out a sigh, her eyes closing as she forced herself to calm down. When she opened them to look at her mom and saw the guilty and hesitant look on her face, Sam had to look away as she spoke again to her mother.

"I -Sorry. Just -" a sigh, "Just tell me how you and dad met." Sam finally got out.

Sam hadn't meant to snap at her mom like that, but after all of today's revelations about her family, she is starting to reach her breaking point. It also kind of stung, Sam felt like she never really knew her own mother. When she had first found that dusty old box in the attic and looked at the scrapbook it contained, all Sam had felt was an indigent rage at her mother hypocrisy. But after learning about Samantha and her maternal family, Sam doesn't know what to feel other than tired and sad for her mom's loss.

"It's ok, Sammy, I know that what we are talking about is a lot to take in." Pamela said, as she sent a sad understanding smile to her daughter. Sam didn't respond much beyond leveling her mother with an expecting gaze and a slight nod of her head. Needing no further prompt, Pamela began her story.

"I met your father when I was nineteen. My father had been called by Ganit Manson, your grandfather, about strange things that had been happening to his family for the past few months. They had tried moving to some of their other estates across the country, but the entity that was causing it was following them from house to house, getting more and more bold as time past. By the time Ganit had called, your father's arm was broken, he had multiple bruises and scratches, as well as having so many nightmares he was suffering from sleep deprivation." Pamela paused for a moment to take another sip of her tea to help settle her nerves.

"It was a dybbuk"

Silence rained between the two Manson's following that sentence. Sam stared at her mother for a moment, before the words truly register and her eyes widened in shock.

"How...?" Sam breath out, wide eyes still looking at her mother as a pit began to form in her stomach.

"Your grandfather had bought a dybbuk box at a privet deceased estate auction he was invited to by a family friend. He thought it was just a wine cabinet, and when he had opened it, there hadn't been anything glaringly obvious to point out it's true purpose. My family hadn't discovered this important fact for another month and a half." Pamela paused to take a deep breath and collect herself. The next part of this tale was always hard to talk about.

"The dybbuk... was targeting your father. It wanted to possess him and make him do... terrible thing, before it killed him. We had grown closer as the investigation had gone on and I hated what that thing was doing to him!" Pamela hissed, as her hands tightened into fists startling Sam out of her stupor from the intensity of her mother's ire.

Hesitantly, Sam put her hand on her mothers clenched left fist and leaned into her shoulder to try and offer her mother some emotional support. Pamela's fist quickly lost it's tension and instead turned to hold Sam's offered hand in a gentile, but firm grip. Sam felt her mother lean towards her as she relaxed. Mother and daughter stayed like that for a few moments, before Pamela straightened up and turned to look at Sam with a loving and appreciative smile.

"Thank you, Sammy." Pamela said in a loving tone, eye's filled with gratitude. Pamela breathed in deeply to steady herself before she continued with her tale.

"Now, where was I...Oh, yes! By the time we had found out it was a dybbuk, your father was already under it's power and needed to have it exorcised. It took three weeks of constant prayers and exorcisms before Jeremy was free of that monster. By the end of the investigation almost everyone closely involved had been injured by the dybbuk, but it was the Manson's that needed to be hospitalized.

Your grandfather had internal bleeding as well as a lot of fractured bones, specifically around his chest. Your grandmother had a bookcase dropped on her from behind, which had caused a spinal injure. But poor Jeremy had to be in a full body cast from the way that thing twisted and contorted his body. I did my best to visit him as much as I could until he regained consciousness. And, oh!~ did he say the most romantic thing when he woke up.

He had said 'Oh, Pamela! it was only the thought of being with you that gave me the strength to keep fighting.'. And it was in that instant, I knew, he was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with." Pamela finished with a happy sigh, eyes aglow with nostalgia as her cheeks dusted a light pink.

A small smile appear on Sam's face at the sight, happy that her mother was somewhat back to her preppy self after seeing her truly miserable for the last few hours. Sure, Sam is probably going to need a lot of time to absorb everything her mom had told her, but that can be dealt with later. Although, privately, Sam thinks her dad was really cheesy when he said that, Romantic, but cheesy.

Wait, Sam thought, Am I forgetting something?

!

"What was so special about moving to Amity Park?"

[jortsaaaaaaart]

Three Hearts- Tendou x Reader x Ushijima

Soulmate AU- updates will be posted to https://archiveofourown.org/works/32830702/chapters/81464533

You remembered Sendai as being cold, so, so cold. The summers were short but they were also filled with many days spent exploring. You were part of a binational family. Your mother was from the United States, your father from Japan. Most of your early childhood was spent bouncing between the two countries before, finally, it was decided that the schools in Japan were much (much) better. It wasn’t too much of a culture shock. But the freedom Sendai offered was intoxicating. In Japanese culture it was perfectly acceptable to send your child out on errands, or let them visit the local park, on their own.

It was on one of these after school excursions that you ran into your future best friend. 

A humid June evening had you trailing along the bank of the local river. Cicadas and the current drowned out almost all other noise. You were debating turning back or taking a wade in the water when you saw a shock of red. There was another kid sitting by the river. One with a pretty vibrant bowl cut. However, when you got closer you realised his hair wasn't the only thing that was red.

"Uh, hey." You murmured, feeling more than a little awkward. "Are you okay?" He almost jumped out of his skin. Wide red eyes snapped towards you before hiding away.

The redhead hastily wiped at his eyes. "Y-Yeah."

"That didn't sound all that convincing." With a sigh you plopped down next to him, watching as he curled in on himself. You'd never been one to mind your own business, not even as a child. Seeing someone crying by themselves was an instant invitation for you to barge in and try to help.

"I'm fine."

"You're crying."

"No I'm not!"

"Hmm. . ." You leaned back, looking over the river. "So what's your name then? If you don't tell me I'll just have to call you cry baby."

“. . . It’s Tendou Satori.” He muttered. Tendou was eyeing you warily, like a stray dog afraid to take a treat from a stranger.

"I'm (L/N) (F/N). If you want me to leave I can, but you just looked so sad sitting here alone." You gave him the warmest smile you could before returning your attention to the water. Satori's red eyes stayed locked on you but he didn't ask you to leave. A few moments passed in silent solidarity before he spoke up.

"I'm usually alone."

"I know how you feel." You sighed.

"You do?"

"Well, yeah. I moved around so much before grade school that I don't know anyone here." You paused. "But, hey, now I know you, right?" Your smile made Tendou forget all about the tears. His cheeks flushed pink under the setting sun.

"Why are you being so nice to me?" Asked Satori, who desperately wanted to believe you were being genuine. But years of abuse had a hold on his heart.

You blinked. "Why wouldn't I be nice?"

". . . 'Cause I. . . Everyone says I'm a-"

"Ah! Look guys, it's the monster!" A group of children walked up behind the two of you. They were pointing at Satori with mocking grins. "You shouldn't get so close to him, he'll gobble you up!"

"Monster?" You glanced over at him but he was purposefully avoiding your eyes. If possible he would've liked to completely melt into the grass. Away from everything and everybody. But you weren't sinking into the ground, you were rising up. The bullies took a step back as you stomped up the embankment. "What gives you the right to call him that, huh?"

"W-What?" The ringleader stammered. "You've seen him, he's a freak! He shouldn't be allowed near us normal huma-"

He fell to the ground, clutching his cheek. Everyone's eyes were wide and glued to you. 

"Y- You just punched me!?"

"And I'll do it again!" You stared down the boy while his friends helped him to his feet. Before you could say anything else, or fight a 1 v 4, someone grabbed your hand. Tendou dragged you away while you stuck your tongue out at the still stunned bullies. 

Neither of you would ever forget that day. It was the start of a lifelong friendship, and eventually, something more.

On your first year of middle school you officially learned what soulmates were. It was assumed most parents would give you the talk before then, but the school board wanted youths to be prepared. 

"They taught us about soulmates today in class." You were both lounging around in his room reading the newest Shonen Jump. You sat next to him on the bed, trying to keep up with his reading speed.

"Yeah?" You hummed.

"When you turn 18 your soulmate's name appears on your wrist. . . But, if you're older than them you have to wait for their birthday so the marks can appear at the same time. . . And then some people don't even get a soulmate." He wasn't paying attention to the manga anymore. His eyes were fixed to the floor while his brain waged war against itself. Tendou had been sure you were his soulmate since that first night. The butterflies in his stomach still hadn't gone away and every time he looked at you he felt like a pile of mush. 

But, still, the 'I think you're my soulmate.' died on his tongue replaced with something much more depreciating. "I'm probably one of those people. Monsters don't get soulmates after all." His grin was shaky at best and you saw right through it.

"Don't call yourself that." You chided. "And of course you have a soulmate, Tori. Someone out there doesn't know how lucky they are. Soulmates with the best volleyball ball player ever. And the greatest friend ever, too." 

You flopped down, holding your wrist in front of you. "I don't know if I'm excited or nervous."

"Well, it's a good thing, isn't it? Having a soulmate? You'll have someone who belongs with you and will love you no matter what." You pouted at him and he smiled, continuing with his speech. "I can't wait till we turn eighteen. And I know you can't wait either. Even if you're being a baby now."

Tendou had your eighteenth birthday planned out for years. Step one, he'd take you to the river where you met. Step two, shower you with presents and affection. And step three, wait for your soulmate's name, his name, to appear. Step four (profit), live happily ever after. However, like many things in life, it didn't go quite as planned.

On March 21st, right after the end of your final year of junior high, your mother died. It wasn't a shock, she had been sick for months, but the pain was still unbearable. Your mother's side of the family wanted to bury her in the family plot. An old tradition from an old, rural, part of America. Your father gladly handed the responsibility off to them. 

Tendou remembered begging his parents to let him see you off at the airport. He remembered how red and puffy your eyes were, the sad smile on your face when you promised him you'd be back soon. 

But you weren't. 

Your father was in no shape to take care of you. Burying himself in his work to try and forget his loss. February came around and you had your 16th birthday in America. The first year of highschool had started without you. Tendou sent you pictures from Shiratorizawa every day, making you promise to try and get back as soon as possible.

Another February came and went. Your father was getting better and you were slowly but surely convincing him Japan was the right place for you to be. Tendou texted you every day, talking to you about his volleyball matches, his friend Ushijima, how much he missed you. 

It was your third year of highschool and finally, finally, you were heading home. You told Tendou the news as soon as you knew. He seemed even more excited than you. You knew why, even if you didn't say it. Tendou had always been the one you thought of when you imagined your soulmate. But. . . There was something else you couldn't quite put your finger on. The whole thing made you nervous, so you kept your feelings to yourself. 

Tendou stayed up all night on your birthday, hoping, praying. His eyes never left his wrist for a second and finally at 2:45 a.m. , something happened. Your name, in your sloppy, too quick, handwriting, appeared. The relief of ten years of wondering washed over him. He laughed, breathless and giddy. He immediately messaged you, sending you a picture of his wrist before a barrage of messages, most of them legible.

A minute passed by, then ten, then twenty. . .

You had to see it too, right? So why hadn't you said anything? You hadn't called, texted, or, hell, even emailed him. Tendou started to feel his heart sink with each passing moment. 

What if you were disappointed?

Tendou's breath caught in his throat and he could feel his face burn. His phone clattered to the ground as he sank down into his bed. He tried to calm himself down, he didn't know what time it was where you were. Maybe you were out celebrating your birthday or sleeping? He just needed to sleep it off and give you time to respond.

Chest tight, Tendou waited. He waited till hours turned to days and suddenly it was March and his heart was broken. He wasn't sure what was going on at this point. You two had almost never gone a day without talking. But you hadn't read any of his texts or snaps. Eventually he stopped messaging you all together.

But he hadn't given up. He knew you were flying back to Japan soon and he was determined to ask you what the hell was going on.

By mid March you had moved back into your old home. Your father had graciously gotten a moving company for you and your meager belongings. Somehow he failed to show up himself though. You didn't blame him though, he was busy and you haven't been the best company recently. Before leaving America your grandma had begun calling you the walking dead. You were barely sleeping, your eyes were puffy with designer bags hanging heavily underneath. She understood why you were feeling so down and she was empathetic, but the rest of your small town wasn't.

You thought about the timing of it all as you began to unpack. The first box, full of books and notes, was barely empty before the doorbell rang.

Tendou was standing on your doorstep. Your soulmate was standing before you, and your first thought was to shrink back and pretend you weren't home.

He rang the bell again. "(Y/N)! I know you're home! I just. . . I just want to talk okay? . . . Please?"

Tendou stepped back as the door swung open. You were holding your wrist close to your chest, looking anywhere but at him. He could see how red your eyes were, though, and thought they matched his completely.

"Why?" He muttered. One pitiful idiot to another. "Was it so fucking awful? Having my name on your wrist?"

"It wasn't. . ." You started. "Tendou, it wasn't just your name." 

[bbugyu]

can i kiss you yet? + hong joshua

a mutual friend always made a great excuse to see you, but he definitely wanted more.

wc.2.4k | joshua x gn!reader, fluff, first snow au, foreigners in korea squad up, josh is a tutor u are an ambiguous worker everything is vague shhh, there are really no warning this is just fluff, oh drinking, but only the once, miss park chaeyoung please text me back

haha..... i am....... im not........... im in my joshie feels ok do not talk to me about it im embarrassed. thanks @babiemingoo for ruining my life by saying joshua would fall in love with me, and i quote, "no cap."

~

you spent a lot of time with joshua. by proxy, mostly, but you enjoyed his company nonetheless. your best friend called him her brother - they weren't related by blood, but by circumstance, having separately moved to korea at an old enough age to take care of themselves but young enough to still need the support of someone going through something similar. they were neighbors, and rosie had no way of stopping him from barging through her front door at all hours of the day. she always yelled at him to let her have some privacy. he insisted that if she was doing something that required privacy, then she should tell him beforehand. you always just laughed from your spot on the couch.

joshua would smile and put up a hand when he pretended to notice you for the first time, as though you weren't the express reason he had made an excuse to show up. "hi, y/n."

you would smile back and wiggle your fingers at him. "hi, josh."

this happened almost every time you came over to rosie's apartment, and while you never intended to see him, you would be lying if you said it wasn't a lovely benefit.

she rolled her eyes. "don't you have a job?"

"that's the great thing about being an online tutor," joshua said, making himself comfortable on the opposite end of the couch from you. "flexible scheduling."

you realized you had never asked him about his work. "what do you tutor?"

he looked at you, and you thought you saw a flash of nervousness in his eyes before he grinned. "english. and korean. and algebra. and calculus, sometimes."

"that's, like," you paused, your head knocking to one side. "impressive?"

"is it?" he laughed. "i just voice chat with high school students in sweats."

you shrugged. "i'm bad at math and i'm pretty sure i'd be bad at teaching, so anything like that is impressive to me."

he nodded, the corner of his mouth quirked upwards. it was hard for him to believe that you could be bad at anything, but he figured math was an okay thing to be lacking in. "noted."

rosie coughed loudly, making you both direct your attention to where she was leaning against the kitchen counter. "if you guys are done, i would love someone's help deciding what kind of pizza to get."

when you left hours later, rosie asked joshua why he even came over, trying to imply that he was taking too long to admit he liked you.

he pouted out his lips and shook his head. "no reason. i just heard you talking to someone and wanted to make sure you're not inviting over weirdos."

she gave him a sideways glare, knowing that if that were the truth, he would have come over when mingyu showed up the day before. or wonwoo last week. or any of her other friends that frequented her studio apartment. but conveniently, he only ever barged in when it was you, and she had a suspicion that it was because he had learned to recognize your laugh through the thin walls.

the first time you ever met joshua, it was at a bar. you and some work friends had agreed to get drinks together, and when your coworker-turned-bestie got a call from her neighbor saying she got a package, you nudged her.

"is he your oppa, like, just a guy, or like a boyfriend?"

she squinted at you, registering your language switch "ew! oh my god, he's just a guy. he's like a brother."

you heard an indignant noise over the line at her exclamation, and you giggled as you guided the straw in your cocktail to your lips.

"am i lying, joshua?" rosie said, rolling her eyes. "are you not like my brother?"

"joshua?" your eyebrows quirked up, realizing he had an english name, and only processing after the fact that he also understood her. "is he like us?"

"foreign?" rosie asked, looking at you. "yeah, he's from la."

you looked at her expectantly. "well, is joshua free tonight?"

she laughed at you, but redirected the question over the phone anyways, then promptly invited him out to join you at the bar, and he said he could be there in 45 minutes. he arrived with 6 minutes to spare (not that you were watching the clock, but you totally were), and rosie waved him down to join your table, quickly introducing him to the coworkers you had deemed fun enough to hang out with.

"and this is y/n," she said, grabbing your arm. she leaned over to joshua, pretending to whisper. "the other foreigner."

you laughed and shook his hand, saying it was nice to meet him. he smiled back, warmly, and returned the sentiment. he was korean, you realized, despite being from america, and he was incredibly handsome. like, absurdly so, in a way that felt impossible in reality, yet here he was, gaze flickering over your face as you brought your (new) drink to your lips, and the liquid almost caught in your throat when you saw an entire galaxy twinkling in his eyes. you blinked when he went to get a drink, thinking you must be drunker than you thought to have mistaken the reflection of the fairy lights that littered the bar as galaxies, but for some reason, your initial impression seemed to suit him more.

months later, you went to rosie's apartment just to drop off some food - you were teaching yourself how to make korean side dishes, and she volunteered to be your auxiliary food tester if you made too much, which, big surprise, you absolutely did. she made fun of your cooler bag and your big puffy jacket, saying you reminded her of the grandma down the hall, and you laughed heartily as you made your way to her kitchen.

she had an essay to write, so you didn't stick around. shortly after you announced your leave and exited to the hall, the next door opened.

"oh," joshua said, hand still gripping the handle of his front door as he made surprised eye contact with you. "you're leaving already?"

you pursed your lips to hide a smile, wrapping your scarf around your neck. "already?"

"you usually, um," he paused, his hand going to the back of his neck, the other pushing into the pocket of his jeans. "you're usually around for a few hours."

you giggled. "i was just dropping off some food, rosie has an essay to write."

he puffed out a cheek and nodded slowly as he let it deflate. "i guess i shouldn't bother her, then."

you watched him avoid your gaze, then peeked slyly past him into his apartment. you had never been, but it looked neat. neutral. comforting. it seemed like him.

the jig was up, joshua thought, studying your eyes briefly. you clearly knew he only ever barged into his neighbor's apartment because you were there. he had obviously just given it away, but maybe you had always known, and you had just let him think he was convincing when he said he had no idea you were over. but maybe he was okay with that, because you never complained. and maybe that meant you liked seeing him, too.

"are you busy?" he asked suddenly. "i don't mean to keep you, but-"

you shook your head quickly. "i don't have plans."

"uh," he turned to his apartment before looking back at you briefly. "let me grab a jacket, i'll walk you home."

you couldn't help but smile. "okay."

joshua made sure he was quick to get his winter coat and a scarf, but instinctively adjusted his bangs in a mirror and checked his breath. he silently scolded himself for making this out to be something that it wasn't - he was walking you home, not taking you out. but he hoped he would work up the nerve to ask before the end of the walk.

"ready?" you asked, pushing off the wall you were leaning against as you waited.

he smiled at you, silently hoping he was. "yeah, let's go. it's gonna start getting dark soon."

when the two of you exited the apartment building, hands shoved into pockets, joshua commented that it felt like it was gonna snow.

"i think the forecast said tomorrow," you mused, looking up at the overcast sky.

he stared at you as you walked beside him, your lips curved upward in a vague smile as you thought about how much you liked the snow, and when you looked over and caught his gaze, he redirected his eyes just a little too late, then laughed at his own behavior. "sorry, you looked really cute just then."

you couldn't help but smile, nuzzling down into your scarf to hide it. "as opposed to normally, when i don't."

"not what i said," he defended immediately. "i think you always look cute."

you giggled into your scarf, hoping he couldn't see how flustered you felt. "thank you. i think you always look cute, too."

you caught a small smile sneak onto his face as he looked down at his shoes. "thanks."

joshua had never once seemed shy to you. a little hesitant, maybe, when you had first met him, but he exuded confidence. you got the impression that he knew himself better than anyone, and he was happy to express himself genuinely around people that accepted him. he was a bit of a smooth talker, you thought. he had a way of saying exactly what people wanted to hear, whether it was true or not. but today, now, he seemed genuinely reserved. quieter. like he wasn't quite sure what to say to you as you walked side by side on the sidewalk, headed to your apartment.

"what kind of food did you bring to roseanne?" he asked, trying to fill the quiet.

"standard fare," you said, smiling at how he used her full name. "kimchi, seasoned beansprouts, sweet potatoes, fishcakes."

"oh, korean?" he asked, looking at you. "i didn't know you cooked like that."

your lip quirked into a smile at the reaction. "i'm practicing. gotta please a korean husband if i wanna get a permanent visa, y'know."

"right," he said, nodding at your joking tone. "a korean husband."

you blinked, eyes focusing on something in the air, then looked up. "oh my god, is it snowing?"

joshua tore his gaze from you, looking around at the flakes that were gently falling from the sky. "i told you it was gonna snow."

"but the forecast said tomorrow!" you laughed, pulling a hand out of your pocket to try to catch some flakes. "has it snowed yet since new year?"

his heart fluttered lightly as he watched you shove your hand back into your pocket. "no, not yet."

you looked over at him and giggled at how much snow had gathered on his dark hair. "oh, jeez, it's starting to come down." you reached out to him, brushing some flakes off his bangs, and he hoped you thought his ears were just red from the cold. "if we don't hurry, you're not gonna be able to walk home."

that wouldn't be the end of the world, joshua thought. maybe if the snow fell heavy enough, you would tell him to sleep on your couch instead of trekking home. maybe the two of you could chat, alone, just enjoying company until too late in the night. and maybe your heating would go out again, like you often complained about, and maybe the two of you could wind up under the same blanket as you got sleepier.

"do you know that belief?" he asked, glancing at you as you walked. "what koreans say about first snow?"

you looked over to him. "no," you said shortly, switching to korean. "what is it?"

he laughed, but continued in english. "they say that if you're with someone during the first snow of the year, you'll stay together for a long time."

you stopped in your tracks, and he only made it two steps in front of you before he turned, looking at you questioningly. "together?"

he gave a short affirmation, blinking and looking away as he shifted his stance. "yeah, like-" he paused. "supposedly, if you confess during the first snow, it's good luck. or something like that."

you stared at him, studying his eyes as he avoided your gaze, a tiny smile creeping across your face. "josh."

he looked at you, eyebrows quirked. "w'sup?"

you giggled. "are you talking about us right now?"

"oh, are you confessing to me?" he asked, eyes wide and making you laugh as he slowly closed the short distance between you. "confessing during the first snow, wow. you must really like me. y'know, i always kind of thought you had a crush on me."

you rolled your eyes. "yet it took you four months to mention it?"

his nose scrunched up as he grimaced apologetically. "i'm sorry for making you wait," he said, quietly and in korean, close enough that you felt his breath on your skin. you just shook your head at him.

"i made you wait, too."

he looked between your eyes, and you couldn't help but feel like the snow was melting around you from his warm you felt. "can i kiss you yet?"

you let out a breathy giggle, enjoying the way his eyes creased as he smiled at you. "of course you can."

this moment, joshua realized, was one that he had imagined a million times in his head. in a million different scenarios throughout the last four months, he had imagined how incredible it would be to feel your lips against his. and when he finally found himself there, his fingers brushing against your cheek as he pulled you into him, the first snow of the year falling around you, he realized he had imagined it all wrong. because despite thinking that you definitely had the most beautiful lips that he could ever press his to, he had not accounted for the fact that you were smiling, and he was too, and that made them the sweetest. the most fun. the most exciting.

and he hoped you would let him keep kissing you for a long time.

[ginnyweatherby]

Let's talk process The Prom because the tag is v negative rn and I have some random thoughts

I loved it. Like genuinely. I love the musical and was a little nervous since stage-to-screen adaptions can be a hit or miss, but I liked it a lot.

I've seen a lot of complaints on here comparing the two, but I honestly thought it was a very faithful adaption. Yeah, there were some changes, but that's to be expected. This wasn't a pro shot, this was an adaptation.

Emma: I liked her, especially for a debut role! I thought her voice was really nice, although I'm so used to Caitlin's higher pitch that some of the notes threw me, but nothing major.

I found it odd that she smiled through Just Breathe, but I chocked it up to her daydreaming about having it better than she currently did. Idk, it seemed like a weird acting choice but whatever. I liked her... except for that weird mechanic jumpsuit thing she was wearing. Wtf was that?

Alyssa: I'd have liked to see more of her, but I honestly feel that way about the musical too. She's a very important role, and yet I never quite feel connected to her, at least until her song Alyssa Greene. I found her voice to be a little mature for a high schooler, but no real complaints there.

Barry: Oof, the elephant in the room. Okay, I have mixed feeling about James Corden in general. Loved him in Into the Woods, hated him in Cats, but I like him as a person in general like on his talk show. I was nervous about him in this role because I wasn't sure how he would pull off the campy gay vibe that Barry requires. For the most part, I think he did well. There were some parts I thought were a little cringy (I'm not a gay man so I shouldn't speak on whether it crossed the line into offensive), but I didn't hate him like I feared I would since Barry is my favorite character.

They made him younger for some reason? Is that just because James Corden is younger than the original role is for? He says prom was only 21 years ago, instead of 29. No big deal, just an odd change.

Dee Dee: This was a pleasant surprise! As much as I like Meryl Streep, I was nervous about her in this role, although I do think she was a little too old for it, namely The Lady's Improving. That's a huge number and while I knew she could sing, I wasn't sure her belting chops could handle it, but I thought she sounded great! It's Not About Me was great as well.

Trent: I needed more of him, but again, I've felt that way about the musical too. I'm devastated they halved The Acceptance Song, but I get it. It's not that necessary to keep the plot moving, I would just have liked to hear it, because any excuse for more Andy Randy is always a plus for me.

Love Thy Neighbor was the part I've been most looking forward to since day one and it did not disappoint! I will definitely be jamming to this one a lot in the near future. Loved it.

Angie: Angie isn't a character I normally cared for, and Zazz was one of my least favorite songs so I didn't have many thoughts going into this, but I think I liked her better in the movie tbh? She was more fun I think, and I liked that Zazz became more of a spectacle. It's normally one of the first songs I'll skip on the cast recording, but I thoroughly enjoyed it here.

Tom: Didn't expect him to have so much screentime! They seemed to play up his and Dee Dee's relationship more in this, which is... fine I guess? I didn't really care either way, but I think he did a great job and I didn't find We Look to You as boring as I usually do lmao. He and Dee Dee were cute, especially on their Apples & Bees date.

Mrs. Greene: I mean, what can I say? She pissed me off, which was her entire purpose. Her dress at the end was ugly af tho.

Some of the changes they made were... Choices, but nothing that really stood out to me as terrible.

The addition of seeing Emma's grandma was fun, especially her bonding with Barry. I just thought it was cute - as was his relationship with Emma, obviously.

The addition of Barry's mom however was um, odd. I'm fuzzy on the details in the musical, but I don't know if we ever learn whether Barry actually calls her or not? He mentions it in Barry is Going to Prom, but I think it's left up to interpretation, which I like. Seemed weird, but I guess it was a sweet moment?

Unfortunately, this meant we didn't get the "you're going to lose her" moment I kept waiting for. Slight complaint there.

Dee Dee calling Barry's mom though... her heart was in the right place, but that may not have been the best choice. He was clearly upset, and rightfully so - his parents wanted to send him to conversion therapy ffs. That's traumatizing. It should have been his choice to reconnect, not something forced upon him.

They seemed to give the adults (mostly Barry and Dee Dee) more backstory, which was probably unnecessary, but I didn't mind it. Unpopular opinion, but they're my favorite parts of the show anyway.

However the addition of more backstory certainly added an extra element of angst. Ouch. Some moments hurted.

Barry and Dee Dee's relationship is really sweet and I'd like to explore it more sometime.

I liked that the songs weren't really changed much (a few words here and there, but nothing too noticable), other than The Acceptance Song and You Happened, but I liked Emma's Tonight Belongs to You reprise a lot, so I'll deal with it.

Unruly Heart gets me every time man... actually this movie in general made me tear up like three separate times ugh ugh.

All in all, I found it to be a very true adaption and have no real complaints at this time. I'm sure I will revisit this movie soon and maybe I'll take a deeper dive in a rewatch, but for the most part, I found it to be thoroughly enjoyable and I think if anyone is looking for a fun musical to watch, you should check it out, as well as the Broadway version.

This is a special story that shouldn't be missed.

[firstfullmoon]

Do you have favorite quotes related about the importance of small details?

“The precious intimacy of little things.”

— Daphné du Maurier, I Will Never Be Young Again

“On my windowsill when I got home, there was a tumbler with pink jelly in it, and embedded in the jelly, sliced strawberries and bananas… [my neighbour] cooks at odd hours. She must have made the strawberry jelly this morning. When I buy baklava, which is not often because I eat too many, I leave a few for her on her windowsill, with a headscarf over them so the wasps don’t come. For these little gifts we don’t thank each other with words. They are commas of care.”

— John Berger, From A to X: A Story in Letters

“I suppose I could spend time theorizing how it is that people are not bad to each other, but that’s really not the point. The point is that in almost every instance of our lives, our social lives, we are, if we pay attention, in the midst of an almost constant, if subtle, caretaking. Holding open doors. Offering elbows at crosswalks. Letting someone else go first. Helping with the heavy bags. Reaching what’s too high, or what’s been dropped. Pulling someone back to their feet. Stopping at the car wreck, at the struck dog. The alternating merge, also known as the zipper. This caretaking is our default mode and it’s always a lie that convinces us to act or believe otherwise. Always.”

“One of the woman was gently arranging an older woman’s collar beneath her sweater, freeing it from the cardigan’s neck, using both of her hands to jostle it free but also seeming to spend a little more time than necessary, creasing the fold of the collar, the other hand kind of resting on her shoulder, the two of them chatting the whole time, sitting there holding each other, nodding, my head twisting toward them like a sunflower as I finished the stairs and walked by, so in love was I with this common flourish of love, this everyday human light.”

“but her need to share the photo with me [...] smiling and looking at it, smiling and looking at me looking at it, me smiling and looking at her looking at it, which is simply called sharing what we love, what we find beautiful, which is an ethics.”

— Ross Gay, The Book of Delights

“He’s got a fever. He’s all alone. So I’m gonna buy him something to eat.” “The congee downstairs is quite good.” “He doesn’t want congee.” “What does he want?” “Can’t taste anything so he wants sesame syrup.” [...] “What are you cooking?” “I had a sudden craving for sesame syrup.”

“Why did you call me at the office today?” “I had nothing to do. I wanted to hear your voice.”

— In the Mood for Love, dir. Wong Kar-Wai

— Danusha Laméris, “Small Kindnesses”

“It all matters. That someone turns out the lamp, picks up the windblown wrapper, says hello to the invalid, pays at the unattended lot, listens to the repeated tale, folds the abandoned laundry, plays the game fairly, tells the story honestly, acknowledges help, gives credit, says good night, resists temptation, wipes the counter, waits at the yellow, makes the bed, tips the maid, remembers the illness, congratulates the victor, accepts the consequences, takes a stand, steps up, offers a hand, goes first, goes last, chooses the small portion, teaches the child, tends to the dying, comforts the grieving, removes the splinter, wipes the tear, directs the lost, touches the lonely, is the whole thing. What is most beautiful is least acknowledged. What is worth dying for is barely noticed.”

— Laura McBride, We Are Called to Rise

“I’ve never told you this,” she said. “But there’s something about taking the cart back instead of leaving it in the parking lot. I don’t know when this came to me; it was a few years ago. There’s a difference between leaving it where you empty it and taking it back to the front of the store. It’s significant.” “Because somebody has to take them in.” “Yes. And if you know that, and you do it for that one guy, you do something else. You join the world…You move out of your isolation and become universal.”

— Andre Dubus, “Out of the Snow”

“It’s true that, in Vietnamese, we rarely say I love you, and when we do, it is almost always in English. Care and love, for us, are pronounced clearest through service: plucking white hairs, pressing yourself on your son to absorb a plane’s turbulence and, therefore, his fear. Or now—as Lan called to me, “Little Dog, get over here and help me help your mother.” And we knelt on each side of you, rolling out the hardened cords in your upper arms, then down to your wrists, your fingers. For a moment almost too brief to matter, this made sense—that three people on the floor, connected to each other by touch, made something like the word family.”

— Ocean Vuong, On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous: A Novel

— Ada Limón, from “The Great Blue Heron of Dunbar Road”

“I’m doing a balancing act with a stack of fresh fruit in my basket. I love you. I want us both to eat well.”

— Christopher Citro, from “Our Beautiful Life When It’s Filled WIth Shrieks”

“One of the primary ways we connect with each other is by eating together. Some of the connection happens simply by being in the same place at the same time and sharing the same food, but we also connect through specific actions, such as serving food to one another or making toasts: ‘May I offer you some potatoes?’ ‘Here’s to your health and happiness.’ Much of our fundamental well-being comes from the basic reassurance that there is a place for us at the table. We belong here. Here we are served and we serve others. Here we give and receive sustenance.”

— Edward Espe Brown, Tomato Blessings and Radish Teaching

“Attention is the beginning of devotion.”

“Now in the spring I kneel, I put my face into the packets of violets, the dampness, the freshness, the sense of ever-ness. Something is wrong, I know it, if I don’t keep my attention on eternity. May I be the tiniest nail in the house of the universe, tiny but useful. May I stay forever in the stream. May I look down upon the windflower and the bull thistle and the coreopsis with the greatest respect.”

“it is a serious thing

just to be alive on this fresh morning in this broken world.”

— Mary Oliver, Upstream: Selected Essays / from “Invitation”

— Wendy Cope, “The Orange”

“After learning my flight was detained 4 hours, I heard the announcement: if anyone in the vicinity of gate 4-A understands any Arabic, please come to the gate immediately. Well—one pauses these days. Gate 4-A was my own gate. I went there. An older woman in full traditional Palestinian dress, just like my grandma wore, was crumpled to the floor, wailing loudly. Help, said the flight service person. Talk to her. What is her problem? We told her the flight was going to be four hours late and she did this. I put my arm around her and spoke to her haltingly. Shu dow-a, shu-biduck habibti, stani stani schway, min fadlick, sho bit se-wee? The minute she heard any words she knew—however poorly used—she stopped crying. She thought our flight had been canceled entirely. She needed to be in El Paso for some major medical treatment the following day. I said no, no, we’re fine, you’ll get there, just late. Who is picking you up? Let’s call him and tell him. We called her son and I spoke with him in English. I told him I would stay with his mother until we got on the plane and would ride next to her—Southwest. She talked to him. Then we called her other sons just for the fun of it. Then we called my dad and he and she spoke for a while in Arabic and found out, of course, they had ten shared friends. Then I thought just for the heck of it why not call some Palestinian poets I know and let them chat with her. This all took up about 2 hours. She was laughing a lot by then. Telling about her life. Answering questions. She had pulled a sack of homemade mamool cookies—little powdered sugar crumbly mounds stuffed with dates and nuts—out of her bag—and was offering them to all the women at the gate. To my amazement, not a single woman declined one. It was like a sacrament. The traveler from Argentina, the traveler from California, the lovely woman from Laredo—we were all covered with the same powdered sugar. And smiling. There are no better cookies. And then the airline broke out the free beverages from huge coolers—non-alcoholic—and the two little girls from our flight, one African American, one Mexican American—ran around serving us all apple juice and lemonade, and they were covered with powdered sugar, too. And I noticed my new best friend—by now we were holding hands—had a potted plant poking out of her bag, some medicinal thing with green furry leaves. Such an old country traveling tradition. Always carry a plant. Always stay rooted to somewhere. And I looked around that gate of late and weary ones and thought, this is the world I want to live in. The shared world. Not a single person in this gate—once the crying of confusion stopped—has seemed apprehensive about any other person. They took the cookies. I wanted to hug all those other women, too. This can still happen anywhere. Not everything is lost.”

— Naomi Shihab Nye, “Gate A4″

“Then there are the things, if you are particularly lucky, that this person has done for you while you’re away: how in the pantry, in the freezer, in the refrigerator will be all the food you like to eat, the scotch you like to drink. There will be the sweater you thought you lost the previous year at the theater, clean and folded and back on its shelf. There will be the shirt with its dangling buttons, but the buttons will be sewn back in place. There will be your mail stacked on one side of his desk; there will be a contract for an advertising campaign you’re going to do in Germany for an Austrian beer, with his notes in the margin to discuss with your lawyer. And there will be no mention of it, and you will know that it was done with genuine pleasure, and you will know that part of the reason—a small part, but a part—you love being in this apartment and in this relationship is because this other person is always making a home for you, and that when you tell him this, he won’t be offended but pleased, and you’ll be glad, because you meant it with gratitude.”

— Hanya Yanagihara, A Little Life

[tangledinmdzs]

always yours - yi city mdzs characters hcs

the last of the best friend series head canons!

this is a modern version (stay tuned for a different version (v^ー°) )

»»——⍟——««

Xiao Xingchen

stepping into high school, you’ve always felt out of your depth

both from the pressure of moving to a new town and entering another stage of education in your life

it was kind of intimidating

mildly stressful

and you know it shouldn’t be much of a bother to try and fit in and find your crowd

because good things take time (as your parents have reminded you)

and that you were such a lovable person, so

who wouldn’t want to be your friend?

but it still didn’t change the fact that it was hard, nonetheless

luckily, when you’re kind of floating about in between the crowds of people and laughter in the first lunch of your first year, see an empty seat for you to snag

considering how crowded the lunch room was, you feel quite proud of yourself

so you sit down at the spot without a second thought

not even realizing that the seat in front of your empty one was occupied

you’re digging heartily, halfway through your sandwich, when you realize that someone is looking at you

and that’s when you meet Xingchen, immediately humored by your enthusiasm with food 

definitely not one of your best first impressions

but it’s surely something that sticks

because aside from finding out that you both are in the same grade, you both have a plethora of classes together as well

and it becomes easy for you to find a familiar face to gravitate to in your classes

throughout the year

he’s the person that saves you a seat in the cafeteria whenever the teacher from the previous class lets you out late

you’re the person that shares your notes with him in class so that you both can be caught up

you’re each other’s first choice as partners

and it’s so so easy being friends with someone as lovely and wonderful as Xingchen

and he’s so great in everything

from his smarts

to his genuine kindness

and you know that he deserves the world

which is why

your world comes to a halting stop

when Xiao Xingchen is suddenly blinded after an accident

luckily he’s not fully blind

but his vision is heavily impaired 

and you know that your high school is not the right environment for him safety and social wise

you know it is for the best that his parents are making plans to find a better accommodating school for him

but...

he’s your only, truest, friend, 

and it’s only been a short while since you both have met

but you can’t imagine going through the last remaining two years high school without 

and as you sit next to his hospital bed, feel his warm hand clutch yours

you think that 

he feels the same

»»——⍟——««

A-Qing

you meet A-Qing as you’re helping Xiao Xingchen around the your high school, helping him to orient in an old place through a new perspective

you can’t lie and say that it’s not frustrating

but Xingchen’s always been more patient than you

even now, 

when you were supposed to be helping him

it saddens you sometimes

when you can’t be of more help to him than you currently are

“i think this would be pretty useful,” 

both you and Xingchen startle at the voice that talks to you both

your eyes find a young girl, probably a freshman, staring up at you

her hand holds out a small foldable stick

“it’s a white cane, it’ll help him feel out the floor better than you saying ‘watch out’ every other minute” the girl notes

“he can still see,” you try to correct, because everyone nowadays just assumes that Xingchen is fully blind... and he just accepts it like he accepts everything in his life-

“oh, i’ve never tried a cane before. i think that could be of help,” Xingchen says in his quiet voice, he turns to you though not fully enough to meet your eyes staring at him

you’ve gotten more used to his profile than his full face as of recently

“can you give it to me, y/n” Xingchen asks you, 

and he’s using that voice with you

the ‘be patient, let’s try it’ voice

you manage a stiff nod at the girl, and take the white cane from her and open it from Xingchen

we you place the handle that he’s supposed to hold in his palm, Xingchen as polite as ever says,

“thank you... um...”

“A-Qing,” the girl finally introduces and then turns to you, a half smile on her face

“and you’re y/n,” the young girl parrots from what she heard before

you nod at her, a small ‘thank you’ coming from you too

‘it’s no problem. my grandma is blind so i understand you too,” A-Qing says 

at that, you realize, that it would be good to befriend someone that has experience in helping visually impaired people

because you wanted to learn how to help Xingchen better

you friendship starts from Xingchen’s hardships

but as you three spend more time together,

the difficulties of his life lessen

especially with A-Qing’s support

you two become his two closest friends

and A-Qing morphs more into a little sister to you

because for all of her knowledge with Xingchen’s situation, she was still very very new to the high school situation

so she relied on your guidance (in that aspect) as much as you relied on her to help you help Xingchen

but you three come together like a sandwich

and all is well

until your third year of high school

when trouble comes in the form of a human person

»»——⍟——««

Xue Yang 

trouble goes by the name of Xue Yang

your high school is relatively medium sized so you think that if you haven’t met everyone yet at least you know of most people

but 

when you walk into the hallway at the sight of someone taunting Xingchen, you can’t help the way your blood boils

A-Qing is still young,

and the boy that’s flicking and pushing at Xingchen’s calm shoulder looks to be about your age, an junior

you’re about to intervene when you’re surprised at Xingchen’s quick handed grasp of the man’s hand when it lands on his chest for the third (and final time)

Xingchen holds the wrist tightly

and you remember that before, a short while ago, Xingchen used to do material arts after school

he probably never forgot his instincts, having practiced for so many years

“what do you think you’re doing?” 

at the sound of your voice, the boy spares you a glance, 

and then you give a short sigh under your breath

because it was Xue Yang

it was always Xue Yang

“just chatting with your boyfriend, y/n. no need to go all mama bird” Xue Yang teases and takes his hand roughly out of Xingchen’s grasp

“he’s not my boyfriend,” you correct Xue Yang, going up to Xingchen’s side to stare Xue Yang down

Xue Yang laughs, humorlessly 

“you sure about that? because i think you’re probably babying him even more than his real mother,” and you really want to land a good fist to Xue Yang’s face

but Xingchen’s true testament to your friendship is that he just knows you well enough to reach a hand out and hold your wrist, hold you back from doing anything rash

because your little convo with Xue Yang had already grabbed enough of a crowd

you let Xiao Xingchen and A-Qing lead you away, though you manage to spare a long glare at Xue Yang before he fully leaves your sight

from then on, you all try to avoid Xue Yang as best as you can

and you stay closer to A-Qing and Xiao Xingchen

because it seems like you’re Xue Yang repellent

he only bothers the other two when you’re not within the vicinity 

and you don’t dare think that Xue Yang is scared of you (Xue Yang isn’t scared of anything)

but it’s a little blessing that you’re grateful for

you don’t want anyone making Xingchen’s life harder than it already was

and you think that you can get through the last few months of junior year without trouble

well you hope

but one memorable time that trouble visits you

is in the turn spring

right before you you’re about to finish your junior year (practically already a senior in high school)

Xue Yang catches your arm when you’re on your way out of school after your free block

drags you to the bleachers despite your protests 

you glare at him, 

he stares at you, sighs

“what?” you ask

“you don’t care about anything that has to do with us do you?”

you sigh as you lean your back on the edges of the bleacher seats

“why do you put your friends before us all the time?”

“because he needs me-”

“more than i do?”

Xue Yang’s question surprises you, slightly

but you regain your composure quickly

“talk to me again when you learn that a relationship has friends and partners,

not everything in life is about you” 

and that’s the final time you talk to him

»»——⍟——««

Song Lan

Song Lan comes back into your life as abruptly as he had left it

he had always been more of Xingchen’s friend than yours

you remember him being introduced to you as the quiet, barely smiling but loyal friend that Xingchen knew from way back

he and you never talked much

but he talked a lot with Xingchen

and you could tell that the both of them were close

they made each other happy

which was why his abrupt exit from high school

at the time where Xingchen needed him the most

was difficult for you to understand

though at the same time

his departure gave you a better chance to prove your friendship to Xingchen

to be the person that was there for him when it seemed like no one was

and you think that the chapter of old friendships had closed when you graduated high school

so you didn’t think you’d ever see Song Lan again

let alone, see him in your second year of college in the middle of your campus walk with Xingchen’s arm linked with yours 

“y/n? why’d you stop? we’re going to be late for class”

and now, with Xingchen fully blind

you were somewhat the eyes for him when it came to new places and people

A-Qing was still in her final year of high school, already planning on following your footsteps and applying to the same college as you guys

so it was all left to you

how do you explain to XIngchen that you just saw his best friend that had left him in high school all those years ago without so much as a goodbye?

should you even let him know?

luckily, you don’t have to make the choice

when Song Lan turns and walks away immediately, not looking back

“it’s nothing, i was just startled when a squirrel ran past,” you lie to Xingchen

and continue walking on the path that you both are on

but Xingchen knows you better than yourself

and he can tell that your grip around his arm is a bit tighter than before

but he doesn’t mention anything

~~~

fate would have it that that was not the last encounter that you have with Song Lan

and the next time you do see him, you don’t let him off the hook so easily

“where did you go? how are you here now?” you ask him, when you manage to latch onto his arm at the small campus cafe 

he takes his wrist out of your grasp easily

though his face looks slightly more expressive than you remember he used to be

“how’s Xingchen?” he counters with you and you huff out an exasperated laugh

“you wouldn’t need to ask me that if you had been there for us,” you find yourself saying

because you can still remember, vividly

the first few weeks of Xingchen’s blindness

his embarrassment towards you where you know he wouldn’t have been with Song Lan

and how much he missed him

“do you... do you think i can see him?” Song Lan asks, a beat after your heavy comment

you truly wonder what Xiao Xingchen would have to say to this

because you may be his best friend

but you can’t make his decisions for him

“i don’t know, why don’t you ask him,” you tell Song Lan, then tilt your head

when Song Lan turns around, he sees the person who he’s looking for right away

Xiao Xingchen is hard to miss

Song Lan stares

now it all comes down to, whether or not he would take the first step to him or not

[crazy-loca-blog]

Casey Valentine: About Her Present

A/N: Did the inspiration suddenly hit me after I had no idea what to do about this because I had never thought about it before? It did. Set somewhere between the end of Book 3 and right after it just because otherwise I wouldn't have had things to say about Casey's future. Part of the @openheartfanfics "Meet My MC" event.

Meet My MC || About Her Past

If Casey had to describe her three-year residency at Edenbrook, she'd say it's been intense, life-changing and unexpected. Time went by so fast and so many things happened in so little time, that quite often she still thinks all of this is just a dream.

Sometimes she still doesn't believe that she survived a betrayal, a trial, and an assasination attempt. She could even write a book about it, but keeping some of these stories to herself and the people around her seems wiser.

She passed her boards with flying colors and now she's ready to face a new challenge: becoming the new head of the Diagnostics Team. Ethan offered her the job after he was offered the Chief of Medicine position by Naveen, and even though at first she didn't know what to answer, she knew that Ethan would have never offered her the position if he considered her incapable of excelling at it.

And you can tell she already has a lot of plans for the team, even though none of them implies filling the spot that she'll leave. The work dynamic with Harper and Tobias is amazing, and they all think they don't need another member at the moment.

She's also glad that her salary will allow her to get rid of her med school debt sooner than she expected, even though she knows what she'll do with part of her first payment: she'll get Esme a ticket to visit her parents in El Salvador. This is something she's been thinking about since she knew her story. She knows how it feels growing up without parents, so if she can make a difference on the life of her intern, she will.

The only condition for her to accept her new position as head of the team was to be able to set some time apart to work in the free clinic. This is one of the most rewardings experiences for her and it reminds her why she decided to become a doctor in the first place, so she doesn't want to lose that.

When Casey first arrived in Boston, it was all about the medicine. She wanted to learn from the best. Little did she know that the same guy she admired as a doctor would become the love of her life.

Everything began as a mentor and mentee relationship, but after a few months it became something else. And it's been that way for the last three years.

Their relationship has been... interesting, to say the least. They both had different reasons to fight their feelings for each other (Ethan's morals on one side, and Casey's previous heartbreaks on the other side), but apparently when two people are meant to be, things are just inevitable. And they seem to be inevitable.

After the longest time and many highs and lows, they made things official a few weeks ago. And they're over the moon about this. Casey doesn't remember being this happy before.

However, she wants to do things right this time. She has always felt her previous relationships failed because she made too many impulsive and bad decisions, and she really wants things to work this time... mostly because she has recently discovered admitted to herself that this is the first time that she is completely and utterly in love.

Yeah, she thought she had been in love before... but after meeting Ethan and understanding her feelings towards him, she just knew she had been so wrong in the past! She never felt like this about anyone before.

Do people talk about them? All the time. Does she care? Not at all. She felt uncomfortable about rumors at first, but Casey knows that people have been talking about them for the last three years, and she doesn't care anymore. She's just too busy trying to be happy to care about what people say about them.

However, to avoid any potential conflicts at work, they both have decided to keep their relationship as private as possible. And so far it's working.

If Casey learned something about friendship during her residency, is that you never know when someone may betray you. Luckily, she has few friends, but they're the best.

Luckily, they all happen to be brilliant in their areas of expertise, so they all are geting great job offers to stay in Boston. And none of them is planning to leave.

This is awesome for several reasons, but mainly because they don't need to find a new place to live or a new roomie, which is a relief for everyone, and because they won't need to schedule annual reunions to catch up on their lives... they can keep having their daily or weekly ones.

She is also lucky to keep working with people she admires a lot: Tobias and Harper. She still can't consider them her friends, but they're certainly on their way to become more than colleagues.

Outside Edenbrook, Casey also keeps in touch with her med school besties: Tracy and Lauren. They both are doing their residencies at Mayo Clinic, so the chances they visit each other any time soon are very low. However, Facetime helps them to keep in touch at least once a week... and Tracy is getting married very soon in New York, so Casey is counting the days to see her girls after all this time (maybe she should tell them that now she might be taking a plus one with her?).

Even though the original plan was that Oliver would be going to Boston with Casey, things changed after grandma Marie passed away and Oliver decided to stay back home.

The twins had never been apart, so this has been a whole new experience for them. Not only it has helped them to become their own person, but now their relationship is stronger than ever.

They keep in touch on a daily basis. They don't talk on the phone often, but they are constantly messaging each other during the day.

Oliver also visits her every two or three months. And Casey's heart feels so full of love when his brother has the chance to share with her extended family, just because they all get along really well. In fact, they've already set a tradition: every time that Oliver is in town, they make plans to spend a day at Martha's Vineyard.

Casey goes back to Virginia every summer; however, the end of her her residency might mean that this is the last time in a while that she'll be able to spend more than two weeks at home. But that's okay... as long as she has a few days to recharge her energy by being in touch with nature and with her roots, she'll survive.

Of course, she's dying to take her friends there. Ethan has already visited and he won't admit it yet, but he's become a fan of that place. He completely gets why Casey loves it so much.

The idea of returning home after the end of her residency was tempting, Casey actually considered it at some point, but she'd be lying to herself if she says her heart is not in Boston.

Going from Virginia to Massachussets was a 180 degree change in Casey's life. She traded the mountains, the lakes and the river for skyscrapers, Seaport and Boston Common. Of course, this also meant making some life adjustments and discovering new hobbies.

She finally managed to balance work and life (something that had been impossible at med school). And even though Donahue's is the place to go after the long shifts, brunch on weekends with the gang are definitely her favorites.

Bryce, Rafael, and Ethan introduced her to the gym life at Edenbrook. At first, she only trained with the guys, but now she goes a lot by herself too, especially when she feels too stressed or when she needs to disconnect from the world. However, when it comes to release anger, boxing with Jackie is most definitely the option at the top of her list.

Sienna has taught her the art of vision boards to achieve her goals, but she's far from mastering it. in fact, any person who sees her vision boards would think they were made by a 5 year old kid. At least she tries (and she may even have reached a goal or two).

She also volunteers with Rafael once a week at his community center, even though she still can't learn how to dance samba. Sometimes, they also recruit interns, residents and attendings to perform some routine health checks to whoever wants them. These events are a hit... handsy Henrietta can't deal with so many hot doctors at the same time!

Life has taught her a lot since she arrived in Boston. Third-year resident Casey is a completely different person than the girl who assisted a thoracotomy on her first day at Edenbrook.

Luckily she hasn't stopped being her best self; however, after the incident, she felt that life was giving her a second chance. And she's been making the most of it since then.

She has everything to be happy: a dream job, the best brother in the world, a group of friends that became her extended family, and a "new" boyfriend who has been with her through thick and thin during the last three years.

She still deals with some PTSD, but a good therapy and understanding that this is perfectly normal while trying to learn to deal with it helps a lot.

Now she's ready to make a real difference in health care, the one that she dreamed about making in her intern year.

Tags: @adiehardfan @izzyourresidentlawyer

[nanachingu]

Drama Review: In Family We Trust (2018) (Thai Drama)

My first Thai drama review is coming from In Family We Trust (2018). First, let me tell you how I found this drama and decided to binge-watching it. I often see this title when I scroll Netflix but never trying to watch it till someone attach me. My whole reason to start this drama is Thanapob Lee or we can called him Tor. He’s one of the main actor in this drama and I love him in his next drama Hua Jai Sila (2019). I think his acting in that drama is really good, he’s perfect potraying his character so I want to find out his another project. To be honest, before this drama I already see him in several movie like Ghost Lab and May Who? and shockingly he’s cameo in the end of The Stranded (Netflix series) but I don’t have any idea that it’s him all this time. Really Hua Jai Sila make me open my eyes and make me found this worth-watching drama.

So here I am ready to review this family drama with a touch of mystery and plot twist story that you can find it in Netflix. When I see the title, I already familiar with that name like I think I see this a lot when I scroll Netflix and just need like 3 days to finish this!!! This is one of my favorite genre, I’m weak with family drama and really love with plot twist story. Because this is a family drama, of course there are so many character in this drama. They’re of course a big family, Jiraanan family. Grandpa or called A-goong and Grandma we called A-ma have 5 children (but we only see 4 children in this drama) and of course their children have their family too.

So in the beginning of the story, we’ll be seen that each of Jiranaan family are get along with each other well and prepared to celebrate their A-goong birthday. A-goong and A-ma eldest son is Prasoet, followed by another son called Mate, and they have a daughter called Phatson, and the youngest son is Konkan. I think they have another child that already passed away because we can see one grandson that live together with A-goong and A-ma. Of course their sons and daughter have child too, so the family become much bigger. Let’s see the family tree first so we didn’t confused.

From the left, the son is Prasoet (Songsit Rungnopakunsi) and right beside him are his wifes. The one in the right is Cris (Sopitnapa Chumpanee) and their son is Pete (JAYLERR). This is the family that he brought into Jiraanan family.

Little does his family know, he had another son with another women who claimed to be his girlfriend in college. His another wife is Nipha (Apasiri Nitiphon) and his son Chi (Ice Paris). From the picture below, we can see Prasoet really love his second family eventhough they’re not officially Jiraanan’s family. This drama will revolve around Prasoet so finally in the end all know that Prasoet has another family beside his family with Cris and Pete.

Next, is Mate( Saksit Tangthong) and his daughter Meimei (Sawanya Paisarnpayak). Mate always pick up Meimei at school. This is quite a little family, but Mate really love his daughter and vice versa. The only daughter left in Jiraanan family is Phatson (Kathaleeya McIntosh). Phatson married with a police and automatically her last name changed into Suriyapairoj. They have 4 sons, the eldest is Yi (Thanapob Lee), 2nd is Ern (Captain Chonlathorn), 3rd is Tao (Third Lapat) , and youngest is Toei (Jackie Jackrin) who in the same age with Meimei. To be honest I love this family the most. So lucky that Phatson has 4 son that love and protect her. Next, they didn’t introduce the parents but A-goong and A-ma has grandson that live together with them called Kuaitiao (Porsche). Last, youngest son is Konkan (Lift Supoj). If we can choose which one is the most chill family, we could say that Konkan family is very chill~ They have 2 son, Vegas (JamyJames) and Macao (Ryu Vachirawich). (The parents like casino very much🤣).

So enough with the introduction, and I will tell a little bit of the story before doing an overall review.

This suspense drama revolves around the Jiraanans, a wealthy Thai-Chinese family that operates its own hotels in Bangkok and Pattaya. The drama follows the members of the family, which seem to enjoy a strong and unbreakable bond. But things are not what they seem. One day, the eldest member from the second generation mysteriously turns up dead in the family estate. His nephew Yi, the oldest son of the victim’s sister and the prime suspect in the case, desperately tries to find out the truth. Source: MyDramaList

Before an incident happen in Jiraanan’s family, all of them just celebrate A-goong birthday together. It is so warm to see a big family gather together, it must be a happy day for A-goong and A-ma that they live till now to see their son and daughter with their little family and have a handsome and beautiful grandchilds. We also can see that the grandchilds really love their A-goong and A-ma. It’s like their family are in happiest moment. Even they took a family picture together.

But who knows, that it’ll be A-goong last birthday. A few days after they gather together, A-goong passed away. This is the real beginning of the story about dark secret that Jiraanan’s family have but no one knows anything about it even the family itself. After A-goong death, it just going worse because of the tradition and old generation believe about differences between son and daughter in the family and honestly A-goong make it worse with his last will that shocking all the family because only his daughter that didn’t accept anything related to their business eventhough she work hard build their family business from scratch. All she got only his father savings; money. Instead, the eldest grandson from eldest son got 1/4 share of the family business. All of it, ended up we’ll see Prasoet the eldest son lying still on the floor.

Yes, the eldest son of Jiraanan family was shot dead. He was found first by his sister Phatson who came over to his house talking about their father’s will and end up screaming when saw his brother was dead. Another family at that time in their house hear someone screaming and rush to get out to see Phatson panicked and said that Prasoet was shot in his home so they ran and as we can see in the picture A-ma, Kuaitiao, and Meimei saw that Prasoet lying still on the floor in his bedroom. After that this murder case became the talk of the town, get into the news, so police tried to find the motive why the murderer killed him. Honestly, this event create a most damage for Phatson family. As people know, Prasoet rarely confront someone and had enemy but the last thing he argue with someone, it’s Phatson. But I said in this drama, it’s not over till it’s over. We can’t be sure that the killer is his sister itself because as we go through this we could see that Prasoet had a few secret that we didn’t knew before and it could be a motive to someone done a murder. We just need to see it clearly and evaluate it carefully. I’m not gonna give a spoiler in this review, but I think you guys will guess it right like I am.

My first thought about this drama is I like how the story always give us a new plot twist in almost every near-end episode and make us wanna watch the next episode as soon as possible. This is one way to make us never bored by the story and they can wrap it successfully. Although honestly I can guess the biggest plot twist of this story but still it’s interesting because this drama get some details that we can’t get pass and that’s also give us some plot twist. You can’t guess it throughly, like you can guess this overall plot but still you’ll miss the little part of plot twist that make this story much better. Because it’s a story related to family, it’s really deep even when we already know the real murderer and all we need to see is just see the person in trial, in another drama we usually feel relieved and happy finally the killer is captured. But I think this drama makes me feel more sad and broken?? When we all see the truth, I think the circumstances are not getting better. The story really revolves only between Jiraanan family and the story behind it give us more pain than the murder itself. It’s not easy left by people who we loved especially it is a family, but it is more painful when we know that the one who doing it also our family. But I can say that all of this happens because of karma from their all bad action that happened in the past. When we know literally all the truth we finally realized why all of this happen to them, because every each of them are deserved it. But it’s all in the past, so eventually we must move on. In the end, life goes on. They’re still our family. We just need to let go of the past, and open a new chapter because only family is the place that we can lean on again. I can really feel it how every character in this drama just doing everything that they could to save their family. They’re not bad people, they’re just doing everything to protect their family. Lesson learned from this drama;

Family is the most important thing in our life because in the end it’s only family that we can go back into, and only family that will stay on our side and tried the best to support, protect, and defend if we get into problems. They’ll do anything. But without us knowing, the closest person that standing with us that can hurt us the most, is family too. But in the end, because the name of ‘family’ that will lead us back together and family is the only place that we can still lean on. Mistake happens all the time.

For each family, if I have to choose whose family I love and attached the most, I would say that I really like Phatson family. I can feel their warm family and all of their sons are really get along well. They always root for each other, trying to protect the only woman in the house, their mother Phatson, and the eldest son Yi will do anything to protect and support his family.

One of my favorite scene is when Tao the 3rd son is a celebrity and when he feel he can’t hold back anymore he burst out to his brothers because only them that can give him comfort and feel protected. It’s also my best scene when they give us this brother scene gather together in one room and talking about anything and end up sleeping together on the floor. I can see from that scene, how they think that family is everything and they’ll never let them down because they have each other.

For the character, I have a few character that I like and attached my attention:

My favorite character; I got 2 character that I love, but first the character that I love the most is (of course) Yi. Despite in this drama his character more leaning to the bold action, like doing anything in a rush, bluntly, and doing a few illegal action but I think he did his best for his family. I don’t understand why he must critized by society in the drama because of his action? I think what he did was right because he already doing everything right and ask everyone that connected but no one helping him instead they just block him away. We can see that he never intented to hurt anyone else too so I’m pro to Yi side. I love his scene with his youngest brother, Toei. If I’m Toei, I’ll cherish Yi all of my life till I die. Because when everything is too hard for him, only Yi that confidently always stand on his side. (okay enough it’s a little spoiler). From this drama, I think I know why Thanapob Lee finally got casted in Hua Jai Sila. I noticed him because his acting in that drama was really really good, I can feel all his emotions there. It turned out here we could see him potray Yi perfectly, and it’ll really help him to get his next drama. He’s not only smart and catch the little detail in his family, but his action is always on point eventhough not all of that is always a right thing. But sometimes to get what you want, you need to do a little more dramatic so the thing you want will show up.

My favorite character; The next character that I like is Pete. Unexpectedly, for sure. To be honest I don’t think that his personality is thaaat nice. It’s about his first impression. When I his first scene with his mother, my first impression of him is he’s a boy who like to spent their parents money for fun and study abroad so he can get away from his parents to have fun🤣🤣 in my opinion; he loves money. TURNS OUT I’m 100% wrong. Pete is the most responsible person in this drama. His responsibility and his fair judgement is the best. He didn’t judge people by his relationship, if he know that this person is wrong then it’s wrong. I love how his attitude to his father’s another family. I just thought he’ll upset and didn’t accept them, turns out he accept them, and he cares them just like his father would do if he’s alive. You deserve happiness, Pete!

Ice Pariss as Chi. He doesn’t have much screentime but still his character ini this drama really shocked me. Kinda same with Pete. Look the picture above. Both of them looks like they have a personality that have anger issue but actually not. I watched his drama and movie like Bad Genius The Series and Ghost Lab, and I didn’t like his character but I admit that his face suited the most for that kind of personality. Being a jerk, brave action without thinking, not a literally bad person but not really a good personality too. So I thought he’ll become a jerk too since his dad didn’t bring their family to Jiraanan family and only went to their house 1 time/week. So what did he expect? But he has good attitude even to his step brother, he’s really polite and when he know that his family didn’t get single penny from his father’s will he accept it. He didn’t get mad eventhough in the end of his dad ‘s life, his mother was the legal wife. HE ACCEPT IT WHOLEHEARTEDLY. Okay, respect Chi!

From Pete and Chi, I learned that Prasoet maybe not the best brother, best son, best husband, and best father. But he did really well raising both of his sons to the point that his sons really have a good attitude and personality. I adore their personality so much!

(This is one of the difference between this drama and another drama. It is usually the first son didn’t accept that father has another family and another son demand his part from father’s will and clashed BAM!)

My appreciate for Jackie Jackrin for his acting as Toei. I just know him from this drama ( I think) and he’s potraying Toei really good. I can’t tell too much since it’ll become a spoiler but he can pour his soul and heart so well in this drama. I can see how much he adore his brother Yi so much and wanna say that you did it, you made it to survive with your consistency. You didn’t loose yourself just to make you free when your mother told you to do something. I think Yi had a big part that made Toei become a better person and learn from his mistakes.

The most disappointing character of this drama is *give an applause to* Vegas!!! This is the opposite of Pete. I put a lot of hope for him in this drama that he’ll become one of the rightest people but turns out a big nope. At the very beginning he shows us that he’s honest, fair, doesn’t like act wrong and even brave to tell his father lies. He’s the right person. But as the drama continues, we reach a point that Vegas just an ordinary boy who still has heart. His love is bigger than his principle. The only thing that I hope will be released in this drama, turns out it’ll hidden forever till end because of him. It’s the only proof that clearly helping this case but he choose to hide it forever. Another lesson learned I took from Vegas;

Sometimes we just know that human is not perfect. A person who always doing the right thing, eventually will become a bad person if someone we really love and cherish got a problem. They can ruin their life principle as long they can save their loved one. And often happens that the loved ones is Family.

In this family drama we learned that culture and tradition are taking a big part in our family. When a son and a daughter have a big gap in it, when a daughter didn’t considered as part of family just because she married a man and took his last name. Like having a daughter didn’t as good as if having a son. But actually if I think about it, the one who give birth to is a woman????? Why then a son is more valuable descent. They also differentiate their grandson status into a primary grandchild (son and daughter of the son’s family) and secondary grandchild (son and daughter from daughter’s family). But still we couldn’t get rid of the culture and tradition entirely. We just need to adapt well to the good culture and sort the not-so-good culture better.

Overall, I’m really happy that I found this Thai drama. I watch several dramas from Thailand but never found this kind of genre. A family drama that really warms heart but with a touch of mystery and dark secrets in it. But not like another drama that compete for power and will doing everything evil things between family and make things chaos and ruin their relationship as a family because their greedy and selfish will. In this drama we’ll have a dark secret but it’s not always about money, and I still feel their deep kinship, how this problems solved legally but a touch of their kinship because of their dark past. They need to let it go and open the new chapter because life still goes on for the living one.

Since I really love this drama, I’ll give 4.5/5 stars ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️✨. Thank you Tor for making me found this drama!

“Family is not always about getting along well everytime, but for sure Family is the place that we can always go back in the end no matter what happen.”

[youresog0lden]

House on the Hills || M.G.G

WC: 3.4k 

WARNINGS: MENTION OF BIRTH, AND CURSING

SUMMARY: based of this request 

AN: forever and never will be out tonight !! This isn’t apart of 25 days of Spencer !! 

MASTERLIST

25 DAYS OF SPENCER 

“Hey Grandma can you tell us the story of how you met Grandpa?” her tiny little voices asked. 

“Of course baby. Come here.” she walks to my lap and sits down looking up at me. 

“Let’s start shall we?” 

--- 

“Hey mom I’m going to the park down the street.” I heard a faint okay before walking down the stairs and to the park. It was a new town not that big and my parents and I had just moved too and I was 10. I didn’t think anything of it, I just wanted to check the place out. When I got there, there were a bunch of kids playing with their friends but one of them caught my eyes. He was all by himself on the swings so I walked over to him. He looked down at my shoes then up at me. I smiled at him. 

“Hi I’m Y/N.” I smiled. 

“I just moved here yesterday.” I held my hand out. He took it smiling back at me. 

“Hi! I’m Matthew. How are you liking it so far?” he asked. 

“It’s cool here. It’s weird because I don’t have any friends here but besides that it’s cool I guess.” 

“Well now you have one friend.” he smiled at me. I let out a small laugh feeling a blush crawl up my neck. 

-- 

Ever since that day we were inseparable.  We grew up together and ever since that time the park was our place where we’d meet each other, bring snacks we stole from our parents and hang out until it got dark. Then he’d walk me home and tell my parents ‘hi’ they obviously loved him. He was a sweet and caring boy. I met his parents and after that we went over to each other's houses everyday even when school started. 

“Hey Y/N/N” 

“Yes.” 

“Thank you for being my friend. I don’t have many and-” I stopped him before he said anything else. I grabbed his hand and pulled him into a hug. 

“Don’t thank me. Anyone would be more than willing to have you as a best friend.” 

--

The first time I realized I was in love with him was in 10th grade. He gave me his jacket at a football game, I dragged him too. He told me I looked cold and I needed it. So I took it, the look on his face was so pure. He was smiling so hard, his arm wrapped around my shoulder careful not to lose me. I smiled leaning in closer to him. We went to my house that night for a little bit. My parents didn’t care that he spent the night, they knew he was my best friend and nothing was going to happen. So we laid down and looked at the ceiling. 

“Matthew.” I said softly, rolling to my side to look at him. He did the same looking at me nodding his head. 

“I think I want to try out for the School’s play.” 

“You should. You’d do amazing.” 

“I was thinking…” 

“Mhm” 

“You should try out with me. You are an amazing actor. They would love you.” my hand moved up to push the hair out of his face. He grabs my hand holding it. 

“Really, you think so?” 

“Yes, I know so.” I look at our hands then back in his eyes. He said a quick ‘fine’ before closing his eyes. I turn around and feel his arm wrap around my waist pulling me closer to him. I smile and kiss our hands. I hear a laugh being let out as I close my eyes and go to sleep. 

--

A few days later we tried out for the play. It was Romeo and Juliet. A classic. Not much longer we found out we got the parts both of us were beyond thrilled. Then rehearsals started and that was basically the only time we got to hang out. We hung out sometimes on the weekends. But if he wasn’t rehearsing, he was spending time with different friends he met. He told me he met them at a skating park downtown, I could tell he loved hanging out with them so if he was happy hanging out with them I was happy for him. It didn’t take much to find out that he had a girlfriend. I can’t say it didn’t hurt but I couldn't let it bother me. He even dropped out of the school play. We never talked anymore. 

“Hey mom. I’m home.” I said setting down my bookbag and walking to the kitchen. 

“Dinner will be done in about an hour.” 

“Actually I was thinking about going out for dinner tonight.” I said. 

“Y/N you know I need more preparation on this.” 

“I know. I’m sorry.” I sighed. She didn’t say anything, she just shook her head at me. I don’t say anything. I just head up to my room walking to my closet changing out of my school clothes and into a hoodie and sweats gabbing my keys. 

“I’ll be back soon mom.” I yell shutting the door. I get in my car and drive away. Not sure of where I’m going pretty soon I land at the park. I don’t see anyone there so I turn off my car and walk down to the swings. I look at the sunset in the view watching it go down. It’s not long before I hear talking in the distance. I don’t say anything, I just sit there. Before the voices get louder and I recognize the voice. Matthew. He was holding hands with the girl. It takes me a second to process what's going on, but the next thing I know is I’m getting up and walking to my car as fast as I can. 

“Hey Y/N.” I hear him call out. I don’t say anything I just get in my car and drive away. I finally get home, shutting the door and walking up to my room.

--

Everything after that was awkward. We still didn’t talk but now my parents are starting to notice that he's not coming over anymore. I don’t tell them anything I just say it’s nothing and move on. But they get nosy so they ask Matthew mom and when she says she doesn't know they put it in their discretion to figure it out. We’ve been friends for six years. This was unheard of to not be talking. It’s hard losing a friend so I went through some tough times. Everyone does but now it was different. I stopped caring about school, I dropped out the play, I stopped communicating with my family. Everything I did was in my room. I cried a lot more. Losing your best friend and someone you loved wasn’t easy. Pretty soon I am failing in school and my teachers start to take notice, the same for my parents they get me a tutor. His name was Luke; he helped me in all my classes and soon enough I was back to getting good grades. I also gained a friend and like clockwork Luke and I started hanging out. It was amazing how quick we became friends. 

--

College was coming up quickly and I was thinking of where to apply too. I had a few places in mind. But nothing really stuck. Senior year was a fun year for me. I went to Prom with Luke. He soon became my boyfriend and we were inseparable. We did everything together. We went to prom together, went on our senior trip together but we had to say goodbye soon enough. I decided where I wanted to go. NYU, for film making obviously. It’s always been a passion of mine. I love the idea of being able to capture what I want when I want. I later on found out I got accepted and when I did I was jumping for joy as they would say. I ran down stairs telling my parents and they couldn’t be happier with me. Luke on the other hand. He, he was quite mad. He thought I was going to stay in Vegas with him. I told him I wanted to do this though so we broke up and he was gone with the wind. 

--

Pretty soon I was moved into the building and classes started and life went on. Until one day I was late to class and I walked into the class, my eyes meeting someones I never thought I would see again. Matthew. I just stand there frozen, when the teacher clears their throat and I mumble a quick I’m sorry and walk to my seat. I quickly took out my notebook learning all about the different kinds of cameras you can use, and lens. I couldn’t help but feel someone's eyes on me while I was working, thinking nothing of it. I continue to work. I hear the teacher call the end of class so I pack my things up quickly before speed walking to my dorm. 

“Y/N.” when I heard the voice time stopped and it was like it was just the two of us. I turn around quickly to meet his eyes. I look at him for a second. 

“What.” I spat awful quickly. He looked around before sighing. 

‘“How have you-” I cut him off. 

“Listen I um- I don’t care for this little chit chat so can we go ahead and get this over with because I actually wanted to go back to my dorm and go to sleep.” I said looking up at him. 

“Oh yeah um sorry I just- I wanted to see how you were and maybe ask to catch up one day.” 

“Um yeah sure we can. I guess.” looking at the ground. 

“Ok. Maybe tonight we can go get some food. If you want.” he said looking down at me. 

“Yeah sure. Here.” I pulled out a pen and paper and wrote my number down. 

“Call me.” I said before walking away and towards my dorm. 

--

That night we spent catching up. He kept apologizing saying how sorry he was for just up and leaving. I could tell he meant it so I made him promise that he wouldn't do it again and just like that we feel back into routine like clockwork. Not much time after that he asked me out. 

“Y/N” 

“Yes bub.” I say looking up at him. He let out a quiet little giggle before looking down at me. 

“I um I was wondering if you maybe wanted to- wanted to get some food tomorrow night.” he said rather quickly. 

“Of course I would. You know I would.” I said softly looking at him. 

“No I mean would you go out with me. Like on a date.” he said quietly. I look at him in pure awe before smiling like an idiot. 

“Yes. I would love that.” I smile up at him. 

--

That night started the night of many dates. We went to the park, the fair, out to restaurants. Our parents eventually found out and were ecstatic even though he didn’t ask me to be his girlfriend yet. I was nervous for the day he would but at the same time I have wanted this since tenth grade. The night he did ask me out was the best night anyone could have asked for. It was cheesy and cute. He brought flowers and my favorite movie and we watched it cuddled up on the bed when he whispered in my ear “You know I have wanted to ask you this since ninth grade year.” and I let out a tiny giggle and look up at him saying “what” the next thing he does is pull me in for a kiss. This kiss sent out fireworks through my body. It ignited something I didn’t know was possible. It was slow and passionate. “Will you be my girlfriend.” he whispered against my mouth. I pull him into another kiss just the same as the first. “Yes.” 

--

The first time we told each other I love you was out of the blue. We had our own apartment when he ran in smiling like a goof ball. He runs up to me wrapping his arm around my waist my arms go to his neck almost immediately. 

“Hey bubba.” I kissed the side of his face softly. He pulled back his arms still resting on my waist. 

“Hi baby.” he smiled. 

“What has you in a good mood lovey?” I said. 

“I got the part.” I look at him in shock. 

“You got the part.” 

“I got the part.” he repeated. 

“Holy shit.” I smile with his pampering kisses all over his face. He let out an adorable giggle as I continued to do it.  

“I love you.” he said softly. I stop, looking up at him. My face broke out into the big smile.  

“Say it again.” I smile. 

“I” kiss “love” kiss “you” kiss. 

“I” kiss “love” kiss “you” kiss “to” kiss. 

“One more time.” he laughed looking at me smiling. 

“I’ve always tried to love someone the way I loved you but I couldn’t.” 

-- 

Not long after that was it that he started filming the hit show Criminal Minds and he was getting recognized everywhere we went. So obviously the fans started to have speculations of us. So it wasn’t long before Matthew posted one of his goofy pictures of us with the caption saying “My forever love.” Everyone was a mix of emotions but, I met his cast and soon became good friends with everyone.

-- 

Then one day out of the blue he asks me to go to this certain address. I was confused at first but when I started walking further and further into the place I saw flowers on the ground, cliché but the cutest thing. When I followed the pathway of flowers I saw Matthew standing there on one knee, and at that time no one could stop the smile on my face. 

“Y/N. I have loved you since the day in the park. I don’t think it was possible to love anyone as you. You have bettered me all the years we’ve been together. I love you so much. I consider myself one of the luckiest men to get to know such an incredible, smart, talented, beautiful person like you. Will you do the honors and be Mrs. Gulber.” tears. That’s what was streaming down my face. 

“Yes. Holy shit yes.” crying harder as he jumps up picking me up spinning around. It was a night of joy and celebration. 

--

Standing there in the mirror was nerve wracking. 

“What if he doesn’t like the dress.” I look at Paget standing behind me. 

“He’s going to love it.” she rubbed my shoulders. 

“You ready?” I hear my dad ask from behind me. I turn around looking at him. 

“Dad.” 

“Yes sweetheart?” 

“Thank you for everything.” I kiss the back of his hand. He smiles and kisses my forehead. 

“My girls all grown up.” 

“I love you.” 

“I love you.” he said, holding my arm while walking down the aisle. I meet Matthews eyes, and almost like that I have tears in my eyes, same for him. My dad walks me to the end before kissing my forehead again and letting me walk up. I grab Matthews hands looking into his eyes. 

“You ready?” he whispers

“Yeah. You?” he nods before looking at the priest. 

“Everyone take your seat.” 

“Dearly beloved, we are gathered here in the sight of God, and in the presence of family and friends to join together this man and this woman in Holy Matrimony, which is commended of St. Paul to be an honorable estate, instituted of God and therefore is not to be entered into unadvisedly or carelessly, but reverently, joyfully and in the love of God. Into this holy estate these two persons present come now to be joined.” he started. 

“Who gives this bride to this Groom in marriage?"

“I do.” my father says he takes my hand and places it on Matthew 

"I ask you each now, to repeat the marriage vows."

I Matthew Gray Gubler take you, Y/F/N for my wedded wife, To love and cherish, For better or worse, for richer or poorer, In sickness and in health. From this day forward.”

“I, Y/F/N take you, Matthew Gray Gubler, for my wedded husband, To love and cherish, For better or worse, for richer or poorer, In sickness and in health. From this day forward.”

“As you place this ring on your partner's finger I ask that you repeat these words.” the minister said

“This ring is my sacred gift to you, A symbol of my Love, A sign that from this day forward and always, My Love will surround you, With this ring I thee wed.” tears running down both of our faces as we repeat what he told us too. 

“If anyone wishes to object please do so now.” silence. 

“Okay you may say your vows.”

“I’ll start.” I said softly. 

“Matthew Gray Gubler. You have and always will be the love of my life. I couldn’t picture growing old with someone else. It’s crazy that we’ve known each other for 26 years. I fell in love with you in tenth grade. I remember it like it was yesterday. It was a friday night football game and I told you I was cold and you took your jacket off and gave it to me because you didn’t want me to be cold. I looked into your eyes and it was like I could see the world and for a second I could see everything I wanted with you. Here we are with most of everything I wanted and I couldn’t be happier with seeing what the future has in plan for us. I love you.” 

“I don’t know if I could top that but I can certainly try. Y/F/N. Here we are. I’ve always pictured I’d be here with you. Seeing your smile, the tears in your eyes. I’ve dreamed about you being my wife since we were 11. I knew you’d be the perfect match. I mean look at you. You’re smart, caring, beautiful, kind hearted, adventurous, an amazing person to be around. And I don’t think  I could be more thankful for that. You have pushed me to do things I didn’t want to do but made me do it. You were my first supporter and you will be my last. You helped me write my book and you always kept me on time. If I didn’t have you I think I’d be lost right now. I love you. I love you so much. Thank you for everything.” he held my cheeks in his hands looking down while talking to me. I couldn’t help the tears running down my face.

“Sh bubs don’t cry.” he whispered. 

"May the Peace and the Unconditional Love of God surround you and remain with you now and forevermore. Amen."

"You may seal your vows with a kiss.” he placed his lips on mine and just like that it was like the first time we kissed. 

-- 

“So how does it feel being married?”

“Amazing.” I smile. I feel someone's arms wrap around my waist. 

“Hi babe.” I smile connecting my hands with his. 

“Hi Mrs. Gubler.” 

“Can we have Mr. and Mrs. Gubler up here for their first dance.” we smiled and walked into the middle of the floor. His arms wrapped around my waist, mine going to his neck. After a few minutes I gather enough courage to tell him. 

“Bubba.” 

“Mhm.” his head resting on top of mine. 

“I’m pregnant.” he pulls away quickly looking at me earning a few looks from people

“What.”

“I’m pregnant.” I smile. His face lights up. He picks me up spinning me around before getting on his knees and kissing my belly.

“What’s going on.” AJ walks over to us with confusion written all over her face. 

“She's pregnant.” he smiles. 

“Holy shit I’m going to be a dad.”

“Oh my god! Congrats.” she smiles hugging me. 

--

“Hun.” I called.

“Yes baby.” 

“I think my water just broke.” he rushes out of the room and towards me smiling. It wasn’t much longer that I was laying in bed crying trying to push her out. Matthew almost fainted multiple times during it. 

-- 

“So do you have any names in mind?” Matthew looks at me smiling. 

“Athena Gray Gubler.” I look down at her face kissing it softly. 

--

“So after that you had Diana and Ezra?” she looked up at me.

“Yes baby Grandpa and I had three kids.” 

“Hey baby I’m home.” Matthew called out. Jaz jumped out my lap and ran towards him.

“Hey bug.” “What were ya’ll doing?” he asked 

“Talking about how we met.”

“Oh that was a fun time wasn’t it Y/N.”

[janiedean]

I came from a country where being gay is not illegal but still very badly seen so what Eric did to me came off as spoiled and privileged. Nigerian men risk their lives every time they try to live and he just comes on a holiday risk for nothing and get a high out of it like... I get he is a poc in uk so racism but he is still privileged in respect to Nigerian living there and it felt like when tourists do all they want and use foreign countries as a eat pray love playground for adrenaline and Deep Moments

thanks for having partially confirmed to me one thing i didn’t quite know how to articulate and again i don’t… right with the premise that ofc not being poc and/or lgbt myself so my opinion is worth what it’s worth i felt like not only it made eric come off as privileged and not quite realizing it - or if it was the target then it wasn’t well written nor did it come across well - the points that imvho are not well put in this entire narrative are the following

let’s say one target was ‘we want eric to reconnect with the nigerian part of his heritage and realize that being gay in the uk is a privileged position in comparison to being gay in nigeria’: there is a single moment where he feels unsafe on the car but then he goes into the bar and it was played as… like THRILLING WILL WE GET CAUGHT OR NOT but i didn’t perceive that he felt in danger or like he realized exactly what he was facing

the whole family reconnection part was like… his mom lied about her husband bc family peace and kind of forces him to not be out bc she fears for his safety so like now unless i remember wrong eric has been out/never felt like he didn’t have to be since the show started so it should have a) given him insight re how it feels to NOT being able to be out b) let his mom connect with him on having to lie abt your significant other part c) concluded with at least a hint he could come out to nigerian family and like… point b) was more or less explored, c) was hinted bc he talked to his grandma abt adam but a) felt ABSOLUTELY missing because he comes back and everything he seems to gather from it is I WANT TO GO TO BARS BECAUSE I CAN? and most of all……. going through a) should have made him more sympathetic to adam’s struggles and instead it seemed like he deduced ‘oh since in nigeria it’s illegal then it makes no sense he’s taking so much time’ like…? it’s… a pretty self centered take to get out of this entire experience and if it was a check your privilege storyline then good but… it didn’t feel like that was how they framed honestly and why talking abt adam to the grandma if he’s gonna dump him???? 

now the eat pray love thing you mentioned is… i mean i felt like it was along those lines but as stated couldn’t be sure re my take but again my issue is with how they went at it, bc you CAN do that narrative if you clearly frame it as ‘we like eric and he’s a swell guy but he’s not free from that kinda behavior in light of the fact that living in the uk gives him automatic privilege wrt being out so we’re going to explore how he deals with it and it might be badly but then he learns from it and checks his privilege’ like it’s smth that can happen and everyone in this show has been shitty wrt smth at some point which is good bc it means everyone is written realistically… i’m not sure the narrative said THAT but it didn’t look like even the writers knew bc it was all over the place?? and i mean… i get that this show has realistic teenagers which means they can behave like petty assholes but like it was rushed, badly explained, not overt re wtf they wanted to do with this storyline and it’s not clear if eric even cares at the end?? and thats ooc anyway bc the eric we saw until this point isn’t… that callous or dismissive? and it never seemed to me like they wanted to write him as positive char that progressively gets less sympayhetic so honestly this entire plotline looks stupid

like the thing is at the end of it: - has eric reconnected to his nigerian heritage/found a way to balance it with his uk background? doesn’t seem to me like he did - has eric concluded anything re telling the nigerian side of his family that he’s out? no - has eric gained some actual insight from his experience that’s not ‘I want to go to bars because I can and I have no patience for someone who needs to take it slower’? doesn’t seem to me like he did - has eric realized that adam not being ready to tell his own mom stuff was a sort of parallel situation to his own mother not being ready to tell her mom stuff and like... if eric’s own mom lied about her partner to her family for years and still wasn’t ready to do it then why is giving adam a bit more time to tell his own mom especially given his less than stellar background re accepting himself and coming out such a hardship? no and we just don’t know basically this entire plotline could have gone a bunch of different places that were interesting/could have caused strong conflict/interesting storytelling but it didn’t do any of these things and fell back on like... cheap drama for the sake of it and honestly idt it was very sensitive wrt anything included in it which honestly strikes me as odd bc if sex ed ever did one thing right was treating sensitive subjects well without dancing around it or making things sugarcoated and still letting the characters not be cardboards so I’m very very perplexed about it and I just hope they plan to reveal wtf they wanted it to be next year because honestly I don’t know what it wanted to be and if they didn’t make it clear it’s not good writing - which until now they had in spades, therefore....

like, there’s nothing... narratively wrong in ‘I want to show that character X who faces racism and homophobia in the UK would have privilege wrt being able to be out/live his sexuality without shame in the UK and not in the country his family comes from and he has no idea because he hasn’t entertained that thought and he might come off as unpleasant or incapable of immediately getting it while that happens’, but the thing is that in this specific narrative it’s not clear whether eric got it or if he didn’t bc teenagers are shallow and don’t get it (which..... I mean the teens in this show aren’t exactly shallow like that so that doesn’t really hold up) or if he’s having trouble processing it or if the trip shook his entire world (didn’t seem like it) so like... I should hope next season it’s addressed what they want this thing to be because honestly idk and I don’t particularly like the direction it took

this adding that anyway again the way they broke eric and adam off like that makes the whole S2 finale look sour and eric come off like an asshole also wrt rahim because I mean, one thing is ‘eric has been in love with adam/has liked adam best all along but adam wasn’t around and he liked rahim so he gave it a shot but rahim wasn’t it for him so when adam does the great love gesture for him in front of everyone he decides to leave rahim for him’ because like that sucked for rahim anyway but it also wouldn’t have been fair to him to not break it off if eric had stronger feelings for someone else (and that was clear from the get-go) and then when they get together eric puts effort in it and they go places, one thing is ‘all of that happens but then the moment they aren’t on the exact same page and/or eric realizes he doesn’t want to put the necessary effort into respecting the time adam needs to handle his things even when adam forgives him and says he’ll try to get on track with him’ and so the solution is nah let’s break up instead of putting some work into it when ngl adam has been doing 85% of that this season................. it makes him look like the moment there’s an obstacle to a relationship he’s in or his partner isn’t on the same wavelength he’d just rather break it off first instead of giving it a go and that’s not a really great look on him and as stated it makes the thing with rahim look really bad because again one thing is leaving someone you like for someone who feels like is the love of your life and another thing is leaving someone you like for someone who loves you that much but then you’ll leave them too because..... he needs time to talk to his mother and he’s not ready to be fully out when he comes from repressingyourfeelingsinternalizedhomobiphobia central? like........ dunno but it just feels sour and like nothing one would expect out of eric as he was written/developed until now so I’mma just wait to see what they do next season but it’s just not good writing all around