#I kissed dating goodbye

[roland-the-farter-stan-account]

I’ve noticed this phenomenon where men (I’ve only experienced this with white men) who thought they were going to spend their life “in the ministry” wake up and realize they don’t want to believe in the homophobia or accept the casual racism in white Christianity or any number of other problematic hateful things in the church and leave. And good for them! But they don’t have another plan for their lives now that this divine direction is gone, so they immediately look for an audience to share all their brand new, surely extremely valuable thoughts.

Infamously I think of Joshua Harris, who gave a generation of Christians significant trauma spewing dating advice from his arrogant teenaged ass in his book I Kissed Dating Goodbye only to immediately begin peddling advice on how to undo said trauma the exact second he began to peel back the rotten layers of his “deconstruction.” Bizarrely, I experienced what was in form a sermon in a yoga class. The pieces were all in place: lights dim, ambient music playing, and all of a sudden I heard “the church voice” as this bearded fuck in stretchy shorts and a tank top recalled some banal anecdote and tried to tease out a relatable message on his captive audience. And the there’s the pile of podcasts I tried to listen to only to realize 3 episodes in the these motherfuckers weren’t in any kind of position to offer me any help, and as men had frankly never suffered anything like I had in the church or now while leaving it.

If you think about it, Christian churches are a relatively easy way to build an audience. Particularly pre-influencer-era, with American Evangelical Christianity’s lack of corporate structure and hierarchy there are few barriers between you and an audience once a week lapping up your every word. You can build from a “couch church,” start as a youth pastor, or if you’re hot enough I guess, marry a preacher’s daughter and bypass even the minimal initial requirement of charisma. If a formal pastoral position isn’t for you there are even more plentiful roles leading small groups, Sunday schools, counseling (in many US states including mine counseling in a religious setting even about non religious issues requires no certification), or at bare minimum commanding the head of your family table.

But you leave, you have to because you don’t believe anymore. And all of a sudden you’re facing a lifetime of Not Being Listened To. What are you to do? Tell other people what to do! Immediately! It doesn’t even cross your mind that you’re still totally lost and in the thick of it. YOU have the insight people need RIGHT NOW to do exactly what you’re doing at this very moment!

They think they’re listening but they haven’t had the time, because for one thing they haven’t stopped talking for a goddamn second. They realize now they were wrong about “the role of women” and “homosexuality” (they are probably still saying it that way) and that they were a part of systems of oppression and patriarchy and racism, but it doesn’t compute that they need to sit the fuck down. Knowing something is wrong isn’t the same as knowing why it was wrong or knowing what is right. Step off the soapbox, turn off the microphone, and don’t you dare start a goddamn podcast.

[whats-in-a-sentence]

In his book, Harris responded to what he perceived as a fatal flaw in mainstream society's approach to dating:

The Bible teaches that if we truly trust in Jesus Christ, we die to our old way of living. And we can no longer live for ourselves – we now live for God and for the good of others. Because of that, relationships with the opposite sex can no longer be about 'having a good time' or 'learning what I want in a relationship'.

"In/Out: A Scandalous Story of Falling Into Love and Out of the Church" - Steph Lentz

[exvangelicalrage]

Heartbreak

5/12/23

When I was fifteen, my best friend called me on the phone. We'd been best friends since we were three years old; we'd met in the church nursery and spent every possible hour together. As we grew, we went to different schools, and when we were ten, our families began to attend different churches, but our friendship remained steadfast. We did everything together—from family parties, to sleepovers, to going on vacation, to competing to see who could read the most books, to picking on each other's brothers, to writing letters (even though we only lived ten minutes apart), to building forts in the woods, to arts and crafts, to 4H—everything. Not to mention, we talked on the phone nearly every day.

But this phone call was a little different. She sounded serious.

"You go to public school," she told me. She'd been homeschooled since third grade. 

"Yeah?"

"I'm afraid you'll be a bad influence on me. We shouldn't talk anymore." It was abrupt. Out of the blue. Completely unexpected.

I was only fifteen. I'd never had a boyfriend; never had a breakup. None of my grandparents had died, nor anyone else close to me. I'd never experienced heartbreak before.

I said okay and hung up the phone. And then I sobbed. 

Utterly heartbroken.

She'd broken our friendship because I wasn't good enough. I wasn't holy enough. I wasn't "christian" enough. 

It was weird for me too, because even in my deep and abiding pain, I understood what she meant about me being a "bad influence." She'd been participating in an online forum called Daughters of Faith or Daughters of god or some such nonsense. She'd taken to wearing jean skirts and high-necked button-down shirts. She had a purity ring and a hope chest and was planning for her eventual marriage and children. She was strongly opposed to kissing before marriage; she was married to god until he saw fit to provide her with a husband.

I, on the other hand, went to public school and was considering college. I had a purity ring too, and had been baptized, but I regularly faced "the devil" in the faces of my classmates. I had to put on the armor of god every day, become a fierce warrior for the lord. Not to mention, I'd even had crushes at the ripe old age of fifteen. Who knew what could happen? I could be swayed to give into temptation at any time. And despite my obsession with perfection, my desperation to understand holiness and to be pure enough for heaven—even I understood how close to danger I stood every day. 

Her logic made sense. Though understanding didn't make it hurt any less.

Fast forward to when I was seventeen. I started dating my first boyfriend; I was a senior in high school and he was a freshman in college. 

He believed god meant for us to be together, for life. We were going to get married. But, he wanted to do everything the "right" way, so he set boundaries. No kissing, no touching except for hand-holding, no being alone together in a room with a closed door, no seeing each other's bedrooms—those are just the rules I remember. There were a lot more.

I believed him when he told me he felt it was god's will for us to be together. I wasn't planning to go to college; I would wait for him to graduate (he was a year older than me), and then we would marry and I would begin my life as a wife and mother. But he would ask me sometimes, "Do you feel it? Do you feel that it's god's will to be with me?" and I would reply, "No, but I trust you."

Then one day he said to me, "I have to make a confession. I got drunk as a swim party last night and kissed another girl." 

At first, I couldn't even process what he was saying. He hadn't even kissed me, and we'd been dating for over a year. But I didn't know how to feel. I didn't know what I was supposed to feel. 

Was this god testing me? 

I said okay. He asked if I was breaking up with him. I said I had to think about it.

I thought about it for three weeks before I made my decision. Ultimately, I decided I couldn't believe god wanted me to spend my life with someone I couldn't trust. So I broke up with him.

And then I sobbed. Utterly heartbroken.

Fast forward again. I went to college. I moved to a different state. I tried to find christian friends. I went to dozens of churches. I talked with their pastors. I went to their young adult events. I asked questions. And one church at a time, I was shown the door. 

Sometimes it was a subtle rejection—a pastor laughing when I asked a serious question or not responding to an email. 

Sometimes it was blatant, like the time I tried to add a youth leader I'd met five times as a friend on FB, and he messaged me to say he didn't accept friend requests from strangers. Or the time I tried to volunteer, and they said they didn't have any room for me.

Eventually, I switched tactics. Every time I tried a new church, I would say that I was "seeking." After all, that was supposed to be christian code for "Pay attention to me! Potential convert!" 

It didn't work.

I went to church less and less. My high school christian friends had vanished into their own lives. The youth leaders from my teenage years, also gone. I didn't get emails or phone calls from anyone. Didn't even see them when I went home to visit my family.

It became clear to me that no one wanted me. I was alone with only meager scraps of my christianity left. And there was no one to help me piece them back together.

Maybe this was another test, I thought. But the thing was, if my childhood best friend didn't want me, nor my ex-boyfriend who I thought loved me, nor any of the pastors or leaders or christians I'd encountered in my travels—what evidence was there that god himself wanted me? 

He didn't talk to me. He didn't answer my prayers. He didn't give me peace. He didn't offer me comfort in my loneliness. He didn't put up any neon signs that said, "This is the church for you." And he certainly didn't answer any of my bottomless list of questions.

And neither did the people who purported to be his hands and feet—and mouthpieces presumably. 

About a year after I graduated from college, I flew to Los Angeles to visit my only remaining high school friend. They took me to the Getty Center, where we stood and looked out over a vivid west coast sunset.

"Can I tell you something?" I asked.

"Anything," they said. 

"I don't think I'm a christian anymore." 

"That's okay." 

And with those words, my last scrap of faith burned up in that flaming red sun. 

No horde of demons rushed into my mind, if you can believe it. I wasn't dragged to hell by Satan. I didn't even feel bad.

Instead, I felt free. Freer than I ever had.

I was still heartbroken, but it was different this time. Because rather than being rejected and betrayed by those who were supposed to love me in the name of christ, this time, I had been the one to turn my back on them. It was my choice. I'd made my own path. 

And already, in the first moments of my new life, there was someone there to walk alongside me.

[stormsrbrewing]

Josh Harris was my Kyubey

[hatterofthelabyrinth]

I want to apologize for the would you rather Marry trump or musk question. It was supposed to be a joke question.

Can't say I got the joke. You can never be too sure. It's a pretty big universe out there, and you would not believe the things I have seen. Or maybe you would. Either or, I don't think I'm gonna be stressing out about romance for a bit. Don't have a lot of time to stress about it. Prooobably for the best if I stay single anyways-

. . . Excuse me?

[starryaike]

What’s your fav video game ost? Mine is Underwater Prom Queens :p

I wouldn't say I have a definitive favorite, but Last Goodbye from Undertale has changed my brain chemistry fr.

Also Tamari pfp !! based

[lyndentree63]

Me (demisexual, demiromantic) reading Joshua Harris and Sarah Mally talk about how romantic relationships should have strong intellectual and spiritual connection before any sort of physical intimacy: Yeah duh.

Can't stop thinking about how I got into evangelical / fundamentalist Purity Culture not in spite of my sexuality, but because of it.

[amarantoestrella]

I love being Latina because our perception of physical touch/space is different. A man will think I’m easy because I’ll peck his cheek to say hello like it’s nothing and then he’s floored when I check him for not asking my dad to officially date me.

[whats-in-a-sentence]

Twenty years after releasing his bestseller I Kissed Dating Goodbye into the world, Joshua Harris changed his mind about the central message of that bible of purity culture.

"In/Out: A Scandalous Story of Falling Into Love and Out of the Church" - Steph Lentz

[geummi]

[15hammerheadsharks]

I wish that there were kisses goodbye if you romanced someone before the final battle in veilguard I think that would’ve been swag 👍

[dany36]

Just got the sins of the father trophy and—

holy shit the last words that lae’zel told me before I had to kill her

“I’m glad it was you. No other blade would have sufficed” OHHHH MY GODDDDDDDDD JUST END ME NOOOOOOOWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!

[tommygettingwrittenoff]

i need eddie to get another guy friend in season 8, and buck loses his shit about it (again), so he breaks up with t because he's convinced that the weird feeling he gets when he sees them together is because he is Really attracted to the new guy.

[heavnlyhetfield]

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA I KISSED A GIRL

[jupiterlandings]

So (Disney’s) Snow White left an abusive household after finding out her only relative wanted to murder her, suffered a full mental breakdown ALONE in THE WILDERNESS, cleaned up a stranger’s home because she believed it belonged to orphaned children & knew how hard it was to be without a mother, talked her way into a new family & made a new life for herself AND YET PEOPLE ARE STILL OUT THERE CRAPPING ON MY SWEET GIRL BECAUSE HER VOICE IS A LITTLE SQUEAKY & SHE DAYDREAMED ABOUT HER CRUSH (who was possibly the only person to show her genuine kindness in YEARS before she met the dwarves)?? Some of y’all need to take a moment to dwell on the beauty & truth of the fact that some of our oldest stories were once so beloved because they were about survivors who broke free of their past with kindness & grace & the fact Snow specifically did so while fitting into a traditional homemaker role (she carved out for herself!) & longing for romance does not mean she is not strong or that her story is too dated to share with the next generation for fear it will corrupt their young minds. If we as storytellers only portray one kind of borderline-cynical strength in children’s stories for fear of sentimentality being seen as old fashioned it eventually it will lead to the next generation mistaking their own quiet strengths for weaknesses the same way the ones before them have.

[ashmp3]

lately tumblr is way too boring for some reason and i feel myself getting insane and moody and filled with anger for no reason so goodbye my friends take better care of yourself than i do of myself. i will come back for my birthday though <3