#I just wanna do a decent job
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so much for his day off, eh? (1/8)
#noco family au#Package Deal (Noah's Day Off)#total drama#total drama noah#total drama raj#total drama wayne#im sorry Jesus#I was drawing this earlier and thinking to myself like wtf am I doing#why can't I hyper fixate on something decent like getting a job#but it'll be funny so I keep going#anyway gonna try doing like these lil arcs when I can#asks will still be answered I just wanna get this done first it has been stewing in my head for a fat while now
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$10 art commissions are now open! since my drawing tablet is broken, i'm only offering traditional art for now.
reblogs to spread this are greatly appreciated <3
#art#artists on tumblr#traditional art#commissions#art commissions#commissions open#commission advertising#do i feel guilty trying to sell my art to others? yes. do i have a job right now? no 😭#my goal for now is to just earn enough for repairs/a new tablet if needed. then i can get back into digital art :0#not an emergency situation btw- i have decent savings for now. i just don't wanna deplete it much.. supposed to be for top surgery :'D
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i really want a master's degree in japanese language or translation or something. problem is that it's expensive and useless and there's too much on my plate for that right now. how do i talk myself out of this
#i knew it would just be a matter of time before i got bored enough to start eyeing master's programs#i just didn't think it would be. how long. just under two months???#there is a school near me that has a master's in english/education and a certificate in japanese translation and interpretation...#that's looking pretty juicy right now... a decent mix of fun and useful... i wouldn't have to take it fast... i could just ease into it...#BUT I NEED MONEY... THAT'S WHY I TOLD MYSELF I'D GET A JOB... hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh#do i even want to teach college if i need a phd to be tenured??? AAAGGH#what the heck am i trying to do. i don't know. i just wanna have fun but :(
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Trying not too think of the worst case scenario but I'm holding on to the possibility of getting fired from my illustration job so it doesn't hurt as much if I expected it
#personal#i cant even tell if theyre being sincere or just. actually disappointed with me that i cant take in more jobs that i already do#anyway. this is making me wanna kill myself bc i feel like a huge failure for fumbling my dream job#bc im depressed and stuck in a dangerously abusive household#i dream of a life where im safer and the house isnt going to collapse anytime soon and then maybe#just maybe id be a bit more stable to work like a decent person#instead of worrying and dreading day by day#vent
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i've really been kennypilled on this blog (and everywhere, for that matter) recently, but i HAVE been doing a lot of thinking and talking about dogmark behind the scenes, all about his running themes of love and hunger and control, and ALSO about the idea that due to his pasty skin/pointed ears/sharp teeth/keeps to himself combo, the locals are all utterly convinced he's a vampire and he's none the wiser about it
#ragsycon exclusive#oc dogmark#just a little treat#a little morsel#there have been some Even More Elaborate scenarios brought up#but they involve another person's character and i don't know how much of that we wanna put out there yet#he works in a taxidermy shop so he interacts with the public a decent amount#but he always has his human form on#so from his perspective 'oh no i'm not doing a good job at hiding my Dog face they're on to me ):'#but from the public's perspective 'hey this guy is obviously a fucking vampire right'
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in like a day or two i can get back to leveling ast thank the fucking twelve for that
#ffposting#i dont dislike blm but ive been having such a hard time actually doing my roulettes. been having a lot of headaches#also really bad sleep. i dont have the focus or energy for much. havent gotten groceries yet but i will very soon. that will help#once im done w the magical classes ive decided im gonna just. lvl all my lvl 1 jobs until like 49#then go for mnk & sam. get them to 100. switch to drg & rpr. get them to 100. then ninja can prob be at the same time as mch & brd#then the tanks for last bc i like tanking & also to save myself the faster queue times for last as sweet reprive & reward#but also. hm. i wont be doing alliance raids as tank i dont think. maybe for the 50-59 range for pal?#but like above that no. im not tanking mhach raids. i could possibly tank ivalice+pupbunk+motr but not mhach#OR copied factory bc i dont remember anything abt it. OR paradigms breach i am not fucking doing that fuck that#tank mains are the bravest ppl on earth. i love tanking but like i am not doing that.#maybe i could keep ninja for alongside the tanks? so it gets the alliance raids...?#but also itd be nice to have SOME way of getting heliometry tomestones without having to do hunt trains exclusively#or like running thaleia like a crazy person#i still havent continued arcadion. im scared. its probably not that bad but the way ppl talk abt it it feels scary.#hggg. all this is gonna take so much time. but i can do it. because of my love for the game. & for the grind.#i do enjoy grinding because i enjoy the game's content it's just really unfortunate that you have to queue for dps yknow.#especially in arr levels bc after arr you get duty support dungeons at decent intervals level wise#but in arr you get stone vigil at 41 & then nothing until 50 it's vile#& man i do NOT wanna queue for 30 minutes to go to the fucking aurum vale
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I love being the always single person in my family, mad respect to my sister for constantly dating guys for the last 8 years, I would have shot myself
#whenever my mom asks if i have love news of my own while we're talking about my sister's newest catch and i say no#i hope she doesn't feel pity because like. this is the life that i choose. my sister's ex boyfriends were enough for ME even#and i only met a handful of them personally but heard more than enough shit about them#i just always think i'm only flirting with some guys only to never talk to them again or ghost them because it's fun#fat girl who's always been seen as ugly by other people gets to flirt with good looking people is the ultimate ego boost arc#if i ever date anyone seriously again it better be true love and end in kids and marriage until death or i'll live as a hermit#until that happens tho...... life is a party i don't wanna miss a thing break some men's heart get revenge yolo etc etc#also the thought of actively dating freaks me out. if i meet someone and we tolerate each other long term that's good#but dating apps or going on dates with several people and deciding who's the best like on the bachelorette?? death first#plus i lowkey don't like men as a concept. at least the type i've dated. i guess you could say my last ex traumatized me hahaha 👍🏻 (🔨🔨)#i think i'm too young to be in a committed relationship anyway. or even to seek getting into one. there are much more important things rn#i know former classmates my age are having kids or getting married but idgaf the one who got engaged last year has been with him for 7 year#which is a decent time tbh you change quite a bit during that time and if it feels right why not#but i can't wrap my head around searching for a relationship when you don't even have a stable job and know what else you want in life#rambling again sorryyyy but yeah proud single here and i'm not saying this out of spite because i genuinely enjoy it#all relationships i've been in were so draining (tbf they were long distance too) and got me at rock bottom and had me filled with regret#also these men can be so controlling and jealous when you just wanna go out with friends while they do whatever they want too#but when you say you don't want a jealous partner they think that's a free pass for them to cheat like what the actual fuck#do you see the difference between being unnecessarily jealous when you hang out with friends and being rightfully jealous when they cheat??#at this point idk what to say. i'm very entertained by my friends' dating journeys but that couldn't be me#all the gossip i provide for them is which people i flirted with for the ego and who i ghosted and who ghosted me#mel talks
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Libraries are just about the punkest places in existence and ppl wanna be transphobic in them? Not on my watch fuck you very much
#literally that bitch at the recption desk asking me for my document name#bitch you're obligated by law to respect my chosen name even if it isn't on my ID#you bet your ass I filed a complaint directly with the library administration the second i went through those doors#and you guess what else#that hag had the gall to ask me if I complained about her#“yes ma'am I did” is what i replied to her#A LIBRABRY SHOULD BE LITERALLY THE INCLUSIVE SAFE HAVEN FOR ALL PEOPLES AND THIS BITCH TRYING TO TREAT TRANS FOLKS LIKE THAT??#BITCH FUCK YOU#if you wanna be transphobic you're gonna need to find a new job bc a PUBLIC LIBRARY is not the place to play your stupid hurtfull games#and the way she insisted on checking my books just so she could ask me that when there were three other people available to check them is#just so grating on my cheese#if she were a decent ignorant person she wouldn't have asked to check my books and wouldn't care to interact with me any more than she abso#lutely had to#but nooo#she simply had to ask#that tells me she was just being a mean old bitch bc of pride and prejudice#and picking on me specifically#(book pun heheheh)#bc this was not the first time she did that#and if she acts a fool again#I'll record her and complain again#and I'll go to the fucking cops about it too#gosh I wish she would get fired#her career should be as an insufferable catholic school hall monitor of vice principal bc she's just a mean old hag w no joy in her life#nothing better to do than to pick on minorities and you just know she wouldn't be the actual principal bc ofc she wouldn't#anyway this bitch made my day worse but joke's on her coz I got myself a treat for doing the right thing#which was complaining#but i was seriously considering not going back to the library and omfg#she should really be fucking fired#can you imagine scaring someone off coming back to a PUBLIC FUCKING LIBRARY
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i don't think i should have to write essays ever actually
#it's not even gonna be that hard#i know i'm gonna do a good job on both of them#i would just prefer to be spending my non-class days playing a video game or painting my favorite characters#i still haven't done a decent magneto sketch or painting and I'm MAD I wanna paint Magneto!!!#i am doing an exodus painting that's making very happy though#20:28
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The urge of me handing in my resignation grows stronger with every passing day istg
#I'm super tempted to do it on my next shift#cause fuck this place#I'm just so done#do I have another job lined up? no.#am I making semi-decent money here? yeah kinda.#but fuck every person here#and I especially don't wanna be here in september when it would just be me and That Bitch working full time.#so guys I think I'm gonna quit#haha#God please guide me and help me find purpose as I make a rash decision 🙏
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Microdosing on having money by looking at virtual tours of apartments I can’t afford
#literally so annoying i won't be able to move out and get my own place for like at least a year give or take#i might finally be working full-time soon though#like currently i'm just working tuesdays and thursdays at my mom's work scanning medical records#but gamestop is having open interviews so i'm gonna go in monday#i don't actually know if gamestop is hiring full-time though#so if they're only hiring part-time i guess i'll just have to work two jobs#like maybe scan records two days a week and do gamestop the other three#so i'd be making money as if i were working full-time#and that'd hold me over for a while at least until i find an actual full-time job#but yeah even then it's gonna be quite a while before i can move out which is annoying#i just want a fucking place to myself#i've also thought about selling some of my old shit that i don't need anymore to make some extra cash on the side#like old dvds and action figures and whatnot that are still in decent condition#i could sell them on ebay or like trade em in at vintage stock or whatever#my mom always insists that we never sell that stuff cause she and dad spent so much money on them when i was a kid#and i get that. but frankly i don't care.#they bought them for me and i'm an adult and can do what i want with them so if i wanna sell em i can#and if they help me get out of here sooner then it's worth it#shut up tristan
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OOC:
#okay listen. I don’t think I have access to N.etflix#maybe. I meed to check tomorrow#but there's that new movie. N.imona? I peeked into the tag and have decided the main guy gives me Damien vibes#don't wanna say why but just trust me#just the assistant (ooc post)#on the tablet#(I aim to work on those five time prompts tomorrow and do a decent job at them!)
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Okay so for a long time, I did not know what I wanted to do with my life (okay that’s a lie, I would kill to get involved in show running but that is so so so incredibly difficult and will likely never happen unless I get so very insanely lucky) so I needed to come up with a career I can tolerate enough that I could, potentially, do my whole life without wanting to kill myself at the thought of it. I always said editing? Cuz I don’t mind editing and I’m good at it and it makes sense with my degree and maybe I could eventually get involved in the publishing world, but like… editing itself is not anything I’m passionate about
Except recently???? I am realizing I actually love teaching people things? Especially if it is connected to literature/writing. Like I genuinely love explaining to people how awesome this thing is that I’m passionate about so… I have begun to consider teaching as a potential career? Like I will have to commit to going back to school and either double majoring or really reworking my degree plans but I think I would genuinely like that?
Ideally I would love to teach college courses but idk if I could hold out in school long enough to get all the credentials for that (though maybe one day, that could be a really long term goal once I’m like in my 30s or something). I know I wouldn’t be able to handle like middle school kids (plus the things I would be teaching them wouldn’t be as complex as I enjoy) but I wouldn’t mind teaching high schoolers. Like now that I’m thinking about it, I could very easily see myself being an English/lit teacher so maybe I should genuinely consider that and look into going back to school with that in mind….
#and like this is a majorly depressing thought but#worst case scenario if I did this and just could not find a decent job#the high school I went to now has my old youth group pastor and aunt as the principal/dean and I was well liked as a student there#I could play some nepotism cards and get a job there to at least get some experience for a few years#long long time down the road ofc but like that’s an option#idk I’ve been thinking about this more and more recently#cuz I don’t wanna keep doing what I’m doing forever#and I DO like teaching and I DO like working with teens like I was camp counselor for years#(even if that sucked for Jesus reasons but actually working with the kids was enjoyable)#and that’s a job field that’s always gonna need people going into it So#maybe this should be what I go for#and like I said!!!! I could always keep working towards being a college professor if I end up not liking teaching high schoolers that much#but idk just been thinking about it#kaz rambles
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i just realized i never sent a msg back oops
#logbook#showed interest in a job and my msg sat in drafts to their response. embarrassing.#also i spent yesterday so tired i just. lay in bed and ate food. and slept a decent portion.#i cant decide if im getting sick again or if my depression is starting to hit me harder than usual bc im not doing anything#and im worried abt working money etc etc lol#i cant even play a game or anything bc i have no energy for stuff i like. and i cant go to my shops bc a) plant shop = no money and#b) i dont have a job update and dont wanna talk abt it at the other so. . .cant do that#and i dont have energy to hikeand weather has been bad so that too#so im stuck in the house in my messy room eith dying plants. yeah. im depressed lol.#while nobody moves fast on a job im stuck doing nothing. i tried to room clean for an hr and i got overwhelmed and quit.#may try it again. for now i'll maybe push myself to play a game today. ik i dont deserve it but itd be smth.#oh gm btw<3 im having. a month lol.#oh yeah and im still reeling over beinv 25 and going wow this is my life lol how pathetic. ok ill shut up now. blah.
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i’ll be like i have no idea where i’ll be in a year and everyone around me will completely ignore that and try to make plans lol
#my family wants to plan a vacation apparently every year for the anniversary of my aunts death… pls calm down#my mom just suggested building shelves for my dolls and stuff. girl what if i leave that would’ve been pointless#but then i also like. can acknowledge and be honest with myself that if i don’t get a decent job i’m not going anywhere#so i just don’t know what i’m doing#and i’m scared and no one cares???? everyone’s like forgetting about my feelings?????#like no one even asks what i want anymore lol#and i can’t even ask myself because idk and i don’t wanna think about the future and i just want a hug#and a billion dollars but that’s out of reach so#op
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I'd say the children of people who shouldn't have had kids.
Still, fully agreed.
we are the daughters of parents who should not have had kids
#my parents were abused like all hell#then gave into the pressure to have children despite having no plan on how to NOT DO THAT#the society they lived in demanded they have children to Be Good People#and then when their first kid overwhelmed them? ... they found a church#that taught them all humans are inherently sinful and we're just running out the clock till judgement day#MA'S PARENTS DIDN'T RAISE HER IN ANY FAITH BECAUSE THEY DISAGREED AND DIDN'T WANNA FIGHT ABOUT IT#grandpa is catholic grandma is lutheran#dad was raised Missori Synod#which is as close as you can get to Roman Catholic while calling yourself a lutheran#they still did corporal pinishment i.e hitting kids in Sunday School#so when mom's mental health got even more difficult to manage with a CHILD TO RAISE and the HORMONAL HELL after delivery#and dad decided the way to fix it was to introduce her to jesus#and then both of them just defaulted into Do As We Say Not As We Do#expecting us to be Glorious Savants in everything we did and NEVER giving us any credit#expecting us to THANK GOD that we met expectations instead of our parents recognizing our efforts#while all wrongdoing was ALWAYS fully OUR fault#no one elses#and misunderstandings got us screamed at for lying#while Ma listened to Rush Limbah on the radio every day from before I was born to the day that hateful fuckwit died#my parents had a chance to break the cycle and heal#and didn't#and passed their traumas on to their kids through NEGLECT and failure to ENGAGE WITH THEIR OWN CIRCUMATANCES AND DO BETTER#inflicted poverty trauma on us despite us being well off by screaming at us whenever we asked for something we didn't capital N Need#but casually financing a fancy new boat for them to go fishing Because They Earned It#inflicted generational trauma by making the same demands as their parents despite telling us exactly how those demands did them harm#enforced gender roles despite ma being the most “traditionally masculine” human being I know#and dad's happy place being in the home cooking and cleaning and supporting the family unit#but dad had the good job so he didn't get to be where he was happy#and ma being denied work and decent wages and blaming it on immigrants instead of grappling with Sexism Still Being A Thing#like... yall got SO close
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