#I just have to act like I don't care abt these things
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Secret Secret — ࣪𖤐 승민 .ᐟ
۫ ꣑ৎ Synopsis: They say, as a gay, never fall for the straight guy who’s affectionate and kind. But what happens when the straight guy finds himself falling for you instead?
۫ ꣑ৎ Paring: Seungmin x m!reader
۫ ꣑ৎ Genre: Fluff. ۫ ꣑ৎ Cw: none.
۫ ꣑ৎ non proof read ۫ ꣑ৎ Eng is not my 1st
۫ ꣑ৎ This is a work of fanfiction, do not throw unnecessary tantrums on this nsfw/sfw blog. ©Shuenkio
"Here!" He grabs your palm, place a chocolate bar all of the sudden. Causing you to furrow your brows, bewildered the scene.
"But what for?" You asked, still not recognizing his intentions yet. Today was Valentine's day, where everyone gave gifts or received them, and also the day of confessing their feelings to their loved ones you get it. But one thing that was odd was, Seungmin, the excellent and attractive employee in the company was the one who gave you, out all of the other girls, who had a big fat crush on him yet he chose you instead? Should you be happy or sad?
"idiot, it's Valentine day aigoo" the taller scoffed a heavy sigh before walk off, shove his hands back into his pocket act as if this never happened. You scratch the back of your head, unable to react to such a situation since never in your life receive gifts on Valentine's day.
"....what?" Once Seungmin is gone, all your co-workers beside you suddenly circling around like flies, some scream while some are even more excited than you. Who wouldn't when is THE Kim Seungmin, the nonchalantly blunted guy, out of the blue giving you a gift out of everyone, this should be displayed in the museum for real.
"Yaaaa M/N aren't you so lucky to get such gift??" Once say.
"UGH what did you do last live to live in my dream right now!!" Twice say.
"Gosh I better not hear you reject him, or Imma drowning you in this can" thrice say.
"reject? What reject, this is just a small gift right?" Keeping it low, there's no way he was y'know... Into guy? How is it possible if that was such an outright way to ask you out. Groaning was heard once you responded. Ever since you've been working here for god knows how long together with Seungmin, the latter will always find his way to take care of m/n secretly, giving rides home, act of service, helping m/n when he's struggling and gosh, there's so many. However, you don't think that kind of way, as a hopeless romantic guy from all the way childhood to this age now, you realized that you'll never find love since you're a homosexual. Never experience the high school love nor any kind of relationship ever. So when somebody is acting this way, you thought it was normal, isn't it?
"how dumb are you, Don't you notice how he acts when it comes to you ? You're the favoritesm" once say.
"true true, we get nothing during the new years eve but you got a fucking Rolex watch from him" twice say.
"m/n listen to us alright? If you're not certain about him, go ask him if it was worth the try, that man is not the straight forward one— we know how you feel when this happened but think Abt it, it has been a year now— but if you don't do anything, don't say we don't spare mercy, anything is possible just to make you say one word" thrice say.
Their advice lingers on your head. Face resting on your palm, pouting. Tskk it's actually a pretty serious thing for them and you tho, looking back to all the memories it sounds like you are his favorite indeed, as the time goes on it's far more than his favorite person.
"fine okay... I'll ask him this evening, I have dinner with him though" you stated, and focus on finishing your work. While your co-workers went back to their place with a happy grin spread across their face.
"kiss me~ don't say no—"
A sleek, jet-black luxury car rolled to a stop right outside the building, its polished body reflecting the dim lights in a way that made it look almost too perfect to be real. The engine gave a soft hum, like a low purr, almost too smooth to be true.
Then, the door opened—wide, welcoming. Like it was waiting for you.
For a second, you stood there, blinking. Was this really happening? This was getting a little too real, like something straight out of a movie.
You snapped out of it, stepping into the car with a mix of hesitation and something else—you weren’t entirely sure. The leather seat felt too soft, the smell of clean luxury wrapping around you. It was like you were in a different world, one where all of this was normal, and you weren’t still trying to figure out what the hell was going on.
You reached for the seatbelt, your fingers a little more unsteady than they should’ve been. As you finally settled in, you glanced at Seungmin.
His face was relaxed, eyes forward, fingers steady on the steering wheel—but there was that smirk at the corner of his mouth. That little smirk that made everything too damn real.
"All set?" he asked, his voice smooth and casual, like this wasn’t completely out of place.
Before you could even answer, the engine roared to life beneath you. The car glided forward, the world outside blurring as you were pulled deeper into whatever this was—whatever he was.
You couldn’t stop yourself from glancing at Seungmin, his eyes just flicking toward you for a second, that smirk still there, as if he knew exactly what was running through your mind.Yeah. You were definitely in trouble now.
( in third pov )
The soft hum of conversation filled the air as M/N and Seungmin stepped into the restaurant. The warm glow of fairy lights draped across the ceiling cast a golden hue over the Valentine’s-themed decor—roses in crystal vases, flickering candles, and a breathtaking view of the ocean stretching beyond the glass windows. The faint scent of saltwater mixed with the aroma of fresh pasta and wine. It was undeniably romantic. Too romantic.
M/N swallowed, eyes darting around. It wasn’t that he minded being here with Seungmin, but something about the atmosphere made his chest feel a little tight, his heart just a little too aware. And maybe—just maybe—it had to do with the nagging feeling creeping up on him lately.
Seungmin strolled up to the reception desk, hands in pockets, his usual composed demeanor unreadable. The receptionist, a cheerful woman with a clipboard, greeted them with a bright smile.
"Ah, welcome! Table for two? Are you a couple?"
M/N immediately parted his lips to say No, but before the word could form, Seungmin, ever so casual, nodded and replied, "Yes."
The receptionist beamed.
"Oh, wonderful! Happy Valentine’s Day! You’ll be getting our couple’s discount!"
M/N blinked, a sharp inhale catching in his throat. Excuse me?
Seungmin, on the other hand, remained perfectly unbothered, only lifting a brow at M/N as if to say, What? It’s a discount.
M/N’s mind spiraled in a dozen different directions. Was it just for the sake of the discount? Or was this something else? Something that confirmed that inkling feeling he’d been trying to ignore for weeks?
Still slightly dazed, he followed Seungmin to their table near the floor-to-ceiling window. The restaurant was nestled on a cliffside, giving them an uninterrupted view of the sea. The waves shimmered under the soft glow of the moon, the distant city lights twinkling against the horizon. It was the kind of place lovers would dine at, whispering sweet nothings over candlelit dinners.
And here M/N was, sitting across from Seungmin—Seungmin, who was all nonchalance, leaning back against the seat, sipping water like he hadn’t just thrown M/N’s entire world off its axis.
The meal went by in a blur, M/N hyper-aware of every brush of movement, every fleeting glance. Seungmin, of course, was the same as always, his aloof expression unreadable, his voice carrying that low, effortless ease. And M/N? M/N felt like he was malfunctioning internally.
Then, just as M/N thought he was in the clear, Seungmin casually slid something across the table.
A box. Wrapped neatly with a ribbon.
M/N stared at it. Then at Seungmin. Then back at the box.
"...What’s this?" His voice came out quieter than intended.
Seungmin tilted his head slightly. "A gift."
M/N hesitated. He could already feel the heat creeping up his neck, fingers trembling slightly as he tugged at the ribbon. The box opened with a soft click—inside, nestled in velvet, was a delicate silver bracelet. The charm attached to it was subtle, but M/N recognized the design instantly. It was something he had offhandedly admired months ago while window shopping—something he hadn’t even realized Seungmin had noticed.
M/N’s breath hitched.
His chest felt tight again, but for an entirely different reason.
"...Do you like it?" Seungmin asked, tone as indifferent as ever, but his eyes—those deep, steady eyes—held something softer. Something patient.
M/N swallowed hard, nodding, his voice refusing to work.
Silence stretched between them, thick with unspoken words. And maybe it was the dim lighting, maybe it was the leftover adrenaline from earlier, or maybe—just maybe—it was the fact that everything was finally making sense.
M/N clenched his fists under the table, gathering every ounce of courage he had.
"...Do you," he exhaled slowly, pulse hammering, "like me?"
Seungmin didn’t blink. Didn’t even hesitate.
He leaned back, exuding that same effortless calm, and said, "I thought that was obvious."
M/N’s heart stopped.
And just like that, everything he had been trying to ignore crashed over him like a tidal wave.
Seungmin watched as M/N sat there, frozen, his fingers twitching slightly against the table. His lips parted like he wanted to say something—anything—but nothing came out. His wide eyes, the way his breath hitched, the sheer disaster of emotions playing out on his face—Seungmin almost felt bad for him.
Almost.
With a sigh, Seungmin leaned back, arms crossing over his chest. "You know," he started, voice even, "I figured you’d be like this."
M/N finally blinked, snapping out of whatever internal meltdown he was going through. "...Like what?"
Seungmin tilted his head slightly, his expression unreadable. "Hopeless," he said bluntly. "A hopeless romantic who’s spent his whole life thinking love was something out of reach just because you’ve never had it before." He exhaled through his nose, tapping his fingers against the table. "And yeah, I knew you’d overthink this. But honestly? I don’t care."
M/N stiffened, his breath caught in his throat. "You—"
"I don’t care," Seungmin repeated, this time with a slow, deliberate shrug. "Because I already like you." His gaze was steady, unwavering. "And there’s nothing you can do about that."
M/N’s chest tightened.
Seungmin watched him, as if waiting, as if knowing exactly what was running through his mind. Then, with that same lazy, deadpan tone, he added, "So? What now? You gonna run away? Or are you finally gonna admit you like me back?"
M/N felt his heart lurch. He swallowed thickly, mind racing.
And then, finally, finally, he let out a breath and muttered, "...Fine." His voice was quiet, but firm. "Yes."
Seungmin smirked, like he had just won some long-awaited game. He lifted his glass, taking a sip of water, before setting it down with a soft clink.
"Yeah," he said, exhaling like this was nothing new. "Thought so."
M/N groaned, slumping against the table. He was so done for.
A/n: Guy guess what? I'm doing this experiment with Seungmin y'all!! I'm kicking my feet, giggling, & ate some wall while writing this 😋 my favorite so far— I'd love some comments, like really!!! Should I continue or whatever.
Funtalk: I can't help but to post this in advance, because valentines are 4 more days and I can't wait to see y'all reaction, so yeah...
#stray kids#straykids x reader#straykids x you#kim seungmin#seungmin#straykids seungmin#seungmin fluff#skz x male reader#skz#skz x reader#seungmin x reader#straykids fluff#straykids fanfic#kpop x male reader#seungmin x male reader#skz seungmin
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ok so originally i tacked this on as a rb to this post abt shawn spencers true calling as a stay at home girldad but then i decided its my blog i can do what i want so im making it its own post. obligatory disclaimer, i love the movies, this is not a dig at their choices, etc etc. anyway. i need to lay out my Vision to the people in a formal capacity
shawn needs a baby because psych was his baby
hear me out
i wont get into like, the thematic/narrative reasons why shawn and jules should have a kid to subvert their mutual Fear of Becoming Their Parents growth, bc that's a whole other dimension that requires its own post. i wont even mention how many times shawn talks about wanting kids in general. but purely based on the narrative role that psych as an agency played in shawn & gus's lives:
psych starts out as shawn and gus embarking on this big adventure that's an actualization of their childhood dreams. from the get go, gus has a day job; psych is an initially just fun, then great and meaningful thing he does in addition to that day job. on the other hand, psych is shawn's main Thing. it's his only real outlet (if we don't count the random 2-day long jobs he does for the bit) and full concentration point for all his energy, creativity, caring, and altruistic impulses. its the first time in his life he's ever committed to a job -- responsibility, long-haul endeavor, whatever -- that uses his skills, intelligence, and compassion in any kind of lasting way.
over the course of the show, shawn and gus's relationship to psych shifts and changes, and it becomes increasingly evident that shawn's personal relationship to psych is a representation of selfless versus selfish motivation within him. as he matures, he's less inclined to use it as a way to prove himself or show off or mask his personal insecurities/arrogance. he becomes more overtly reliant on it as what it was meant to be along: a way for him to help others.
obviously, the boys' evolving relationship with each other, shawns evolving relationship with juliet, and, critically, shawns evolving relationship with his dad are all key mediating variables in his maturation and subsequently his relationship with the business. parallel themes of commitment and responsibility -- shawn proving to his dad that he can be genuinely responsible for something as big as other peoples' well being and shawn proving to juliet that he's capable of committing to her long term -- run and grow here. imo a point where u really see all this exemplified is his willingness to give psych up to earn back juliet's trust in s7.
through all of this, gus still has a day job. that's not to say psych isn't also a hugely important part of his life and key factor in his own growth and maturation, but it's not the focus of his whole life, because gus has always operated with relative (relative ...) moderation. the peak of gus's growth is realizing that what was most important to him all along was being able to live life with the people he loves (shawn) at his side, even if it meant everything was chaotic and messy and imbalanced all the time. his last act of maturation was leaving behind stale security to bravely dive into the sincerity-filled unknown.
shawn on the other hand is fundamentally an obsessive person who will latch onto something and put 112% effort into that thing for as long as it holds his attention, and the show demonstrates to us that very very few things have been able to hold his attention for very long -- except psych. and despite the fact that this tendency changes in his personal relationships, it never really demonstrably changes in his ... employment habits.
we arrive at the end of the show. shawn gives psych up to move to san francisco to be with juliet (again; the selflessness). gus moves with him (again; the growth). so what now?
once again, their detective work does not pay many bills, so gus has his day job. but even with all of his growth, shawn spencer is not a day job kind of guy. juliet is extremely employed, of course (no one even slightly less employed than her could be with shawn long term, employment being not necessarily literal but a spiritual state that gus, too, possesses in spades). it's here that i posit that shawn's psych replacement has to be a baby.
thematically, he's left psych behind. whether or not he does still do detective consulting work is immaterial; psych in its original form has been irrefutably outgrown. he's in a different phase of life now, one that is explicitly marked by his commitment to juliet (who incidentally is the way she is because she never had a father who put her first). if we're going to continue the story, shawn and gus need another big adventure: one that will help them grow in this phase of life just like psych helped them in the last one. given how significant shawn's healing relationship with his dad & realizing how much of who is is comes from his dad was over the course of the series, AND given how raising a child is probably one of the biggest and scariest responsibilities an adult can take on (plus see jules note above), what better great adventure for shawn and gus to embark on than fatherhood?
as with before, gus will be a pharmaceutical salesman on the side, while the more interesting, exciting, meaningful work he does is Being Dad. gus has his baby first, because unlike before, he's comfortable tackling the scary and unpredictable without reservation from the outset.
and, as with before, shawn's kid will be his whole world.
like i said: narratively, shawn does not need a another job. he needs a baby. he needs to be a part time p.i., full time stay at home dad, who is totally, delightfully, chaotically, sincerely obsessed with that kid.
do all these points lead us to believe he'll have a "balanced" approach to parenthood? no way. is this a "healthy" dynamic to have with one's child? unclear. will there be multiple catastrophes along this great journey? undoubtedly. no one ever said he doesn't still need to go to therapy. BUT. 1) shawn's always been intense. we know this. we love this! we wouldn't want to change this about him. 1b) he loves the way his dad loves, and i'd personally be really interested to see a version of that love that's been tempered by shawn's growth and has (correctly) improved on henry's parenting style while retaining the obvious love and devotion. and 2) gus and juliet are right there with him! henry did not have a gus and juliet! everything will be fine!
finally, psych is a story about learning to be brave. all of the characters are forced to learn this, in a multitude of different ways. for shawn, a lot of his fears do stem from his relationship with his dad. having a kid would be his final boss battle! and i for one believe that he can win!
idk. i just think it fits so well. shawn as a dad would be imperfect, messy, sometimes disastrous, and full of love and sincerity -- just like psych was.
has to be a girl tho. amen
#phil.txt#psych#shawn spencer#burton guster#shules#henry spencer#juliet o'hara#begging the people not to make me regret posting this lol#ive been sitting on these thoughts for months so here they all are at once!!#if nothing else. i just think it would be cute
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do u have fem!wolfstar and/or fem!prongsfoot hcs? or just fem!marauders in general if its easier to talk abt the characters fem vers individually outside of ship dynamics. (also maybe fem!girlfailure regulus cuz sirius and reg as enemy sisters oml, walburga and her daughter sirius, it's giving Ladybird but sm worse in a good way) sry this ask has a lot of stuff, i didnt wanna spam multiple asks!! >o<
HIII omg this is such a yum ask. also a longg answer,, feel free to spam my inbox though <333 you might get a quicker answer (im. bad at answering asks) + i have a few posts abt genderbend marauders (here and here)
okay anyway !!!
fem prongsfoot hcs
james puts sirius in a lot of desi clothing &drags her to weddings to dress her up
sirius sits in james' lap to do her make up
take care of each other's hair even though they hate taking care of their own hair
james pierced sirius' ears when they were twelve and effie wrote her a letter telling her off (<- because it could've gotten infected)
james is constantly decked out in 24k gold and cannot fathom why sirius refuses to wear it
(sirius' loyalty to james is only rivalled by her loyalty to silver)
sirius wears heels and she's already super tall (6ft+) so she towers over everyone
sirius has james carry her bc wearing heels for too long is ouch
invented codependent homoerotic girl best friend situationships
share clothes but their styles are so distinct it's impossible to tell
fem wolfstar hcs
remus' hair is super duper long and sirius loves taking care of it
they have very polar opposite styles (remus is whimsigoth and sirius' is whatever she gets her hands on first (body is the outfit))
remus does sirius' nails all the time
sirius loves doing remus' make up !!!!
no one knows theyre dating because sirius has always been protective of remus & remus has always wanted to please sirius
both anemic & have to force pills down each other's throats
worst period cramps in. existence
whenever they sync up they're sobbing and/or screaming into their pillows
but they take care of each other <33
remus makes cutesy things for sirius like cardigans and scarves and stuff
remus clinging to sirius' waist while they go on dates on elvendork !!!
fem regulus (in relation to sirius) hcs
loserrr sister
steals sirius' clothes 24/7
she thinks she's being subtle
(she's not)
she gets better at it as she gets older, though
wants to be sirius
more resentment towards her because she, too, was supposed to be a male (i hc walburga as not being fertile so she has to use potions/spells/etc to produce)
tried doing the same alt make up sirius did and she looked like she got punched in her face with black eyeshadow
fem sirius & walburga
can't decide if this is better or worse
sirius is no longer the heir so far less pressure
more resentment on both sides ("you understand me, but you don't understand me")
walburga can't ignore how much of herself she sees in sirius anymore
sirius can't hide how much of herself she sees in walburga anymore
eating disorder.
sirius was forced into 1-3 marriages methink because she kept acting out
sirius didn't have to work very hard to get out of those marriages at all because walburga regretted it immediately and "just wanted her daughter back"
sirius (after running away) doing anything she can possibly to not look like her mother (bleaching her hair, buzzing her hair, tattoos, piercings, clothes, etc, etc)
#not as long as i thought actually. took sm brain power though#wolfstar#prongsfoot#sirius black#marauders era#dead gay wizards from the 70s#hp marauders#the marauders#moth's own#moth's asks#bambibelle#jirius#grimchaser#wlw prongsfoot#wlw wolfstar#sirius and walburga#walburga and sirius#female sirius black#marauders#the marauders era#sirius and regulus#regulus and sirius#walburga black#james potter#remus lupin#regulus black#the black brothers
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i WILL have waist length hair by next year . no matter what
#im still angry she made me cut it in april#a trim would have been fine but she made the hairstylist cut so much#like I said 4 inches to her and then she was done but now she had to come and tell the poor lady to cut more#actually think the hairstylist was on my side bc it really did not look like she cut that much#it makes me so ANGRY like why does she feel entitled to control every part of my appearance#I literally don't even feel like a person anymore#saw this tiktok of a brown girl cutting her hair to her chin bc she was never allowed to cut it bc long hair is considered a sign of beauty#and like. that's kind of messed me up ngl. bc while I feel bad. at least her mother wanted her to be beautiful...#I can't even explain it but#I can't wear nice clothes (the last time I was allowed to buy clothes was 3 fucking years ago) I always have to wear my cousins old ones#even for sixth form I really thought id be allowed to buy some new shirts or trousers or anything but guess what. nothing#there is nothing in my school wardrobe that hasnt been worn by 3 people before#and like I can't style my hair differently than what I always do and im even judged for new outfit combinations#she never gets me hair stuff even though I have the least manageable hair in the fucking universe#and the only makeup im allowed to wear is what she gets me (tinted moisturiser that is actually awful)#and then I look at my cousin and I have honestly never felt worse#bc she literally goes out w a face full of makeup and she can get highlights in her hair and wear whatever she wants#its crazy. and I can never say anything about it#its so fucking embarrassing as well#I just have to act like I don't care abt these things#when we go to Azerbaijan for my cousins engagement im the only girl in the family who isn't wearing a dress#bc she just had to insist that 'oh Alisha doesn't REALLY want a dress' and I just looked at her like. what.#so now im wearing the ugliest trousers and weird smock type shirt imaginable god I feel sick thinking about it.#lmao I can't stop crying abt this literally the stupidest thing in the world to cry about#my ammi would never do this to me
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NO MORE ASSOCIATING THINGS WITH FEMMES ONLY BECAUSE THEY ARE PINK!HYPERFEM FEMMES ARE GREAT AND I LOVE YOU CAMPY FEMMES WHO EMBODY PINK BUT ALSO JESUS CHRIST CAN YOU GUYS NOT GO MORE THAN ONE DAY W/O TRYING TO SHOEHORN FEMMES INTO BEING ONLY PINK UWU BABIES. I AM FEMME AS IN GRASS AS IN DIRT AS IN TREE BARK AS IN WEEDS SPROUTING THROUGH THE SIDEWALK CEMENT. FEMME AS IN GENDER NONCONFORMITY AS IN FUCK YOU MY FEMININITY IS WHAT *I* SAY IT IS. FEMME AS IN DEPTH AND DARKNESS AND WARMTH AND TERROR. FEMME AS IN CAVES. FEMME AS IN LIGHTNING. FEMME AS IN AN AMALGAMATION OF TRAITS THAT I HAVE DECIDED ARE FEMININE REGARDLESS OF WHAT SOCIETY SAYS. FUCK IS IT THAT HARD TO UNDERSTAND?!???
#personal#i am emotional yes#over the years ive had this blog I've made a few posts abt being femme#nd whether they're serious or jokey..... inevitably someone in the tags goes “ohhh yeah bc pink”#or in the case of what inspired this post: someone going “what about the pink ones” on my praying mantis post#and im just.#sick of it. im sick of femme being equated to pink and frilly girlie behaviors.#im sick of femme being equated to skirts and heels. to makeup. to skincare. to pristine nails exactly almond shaped.#im sick of ppl acting like All femmes aspire to this shit. im sick of femms being reduced to this shit.#and i love pink! i love pink! my phone theme is quite literally just black and pink all over.#im just. so tired of any expression of Femme identity being shoehorned into being a Specific type of femininity#especially as someone who DOES get dysphoric wearing skirts. wearing dresses. embodying the femme aesthetic yall are so set on making#if u guys wanna rb this i truly dont care#i just needed to scream#and this is one small thing#but the 2nd largest category of anon hate i have gotten since making this blog is str8 up homophobia from other “queer” folks#saying i cant be femme bc of how i present. calling me slurs (and using them as such) bc they cant understand femme as anything but that#my wife and i have our users in our personal discord server set as 2 different things of anon hate ive gotten#i have had OTHER FEMMES tell me i am not femme. femmes who Know im femme who still call me butch. femmes who ive corrected and been blocked#-by bc of it. the number 1 largest demographic of queerfolk who have me blocked rn is TME femmes who embody pink also#and i dont think its a coincidence at all. (and i know this bc i go to try and follow these ppl bc they get rbed on my dash & i cant)#and ik their blogs arent deleted bc some of them don't block my wife (tall. white. butch) and it cant be politics cause her and i rb#a lot of the same political shit (fuck. i think she rbs More than i do even. this is genuinely mainly a nsft blog)#and usually i don't say anything but im having a bad day so i get to be angry about this and if anyone fucking tries me i will block u#idc if we've been mutuals 4ever. im judt so tired of feeling like i am not Enough as a femme bc i dont embody this shit#im sick of this lameass lip service to he/him gnc femmes etc when the thin white 50s housewife femme is still what is preferred and loved#im sick of this lamesss lip service when y'all feel entitled to theorizing on other femmes genders bc u cant conceptualize a femme who does#wanna be hypetfeminine. im sick of it. im sick of it. im sick of it.#celebrity bun
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god i finally watched new episodes my honest reaction is jgiwoaoKzmxmkwkakkak
#it kinda doesnt feel real for me idk why#like i do not actually process all of it??#tho I DO have ideas and thinking i did pay attention#maybe i've just had a wild day i guess#but also oh god vex'ahlia broke my heart#twice#first time were when scanlan was talking how he couldn't be at two places at the same time to help 'em and she said nobody gives a fuck#i feel so bad for scanlan rn i love him#haven't watched campaing to the bard's lament yet but oh fuck im too spoiled i do know what happens where (a little bit)#the second time was when she said she really cares for percy i started crying at that moment#also im a lil bit disappointed cuz i thought we would get percys death and vex's spech but we got “i open the door completly naked” scene ->#and im very happy we got it like oh wow i didn't expect that#but idk im just a girl and i love percahlia's slowburn#since i watched 64 eps of actual campaign it become hard for me to not compare campaign and tlovm cuz obviosly its very different#but with percahlia in tlovm we don't have hours and hours of campaign context#(we don't have percy making her arrows)#and i understand why cuz 100+ streams 3+ hours each is one thing and animated series with 12 eps of 25 minutes is another#but as i said previosly it is very hard for me to not compare it#by the way i do think changes in tlovm make sense#cuz like?? i think vex is more sharpy in tlovm than in campaign?? like#like she punced scanlan in first season and in campaign they are kinda good friends and i really love them??#*punched#and i think she's more ?? bossy i guess?? idk how to put it into words but in my head it makes sense “i open the door completly naked” ->#goes earlier than “i shouldve told you its yours” cuz shes playing pretend even more than in campaign???#acts like its casual when its actually isnt AT ALL#and im glad percy said “what is it i want” to vex cuz its kinda like that scene in campaign when percy talked to vax#when he called them all family for the first time and said he's trying to find what he wants in life#i love percy and vax dynamic btw#i wanted to write even more here but apparently i can do only 30 tags wtf#they want me to actually write posts oh no. hate to put it all in tags but im too nervous abt posting on the internet
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arlecchino's official title is "father" when house of hearth members refer to her ......... please just one chance please please
#GOD. me when slightly more masc women#idk i really hope they keep that just bc it would be so nice to have some more canonical gender fuckery as little as it is#i hope they write her well because MAN she's been so interesting so far#. kind to kids; who also end up becoming essentially child soldiers; 'has her own agenda' according to childe..#thinking back to my own post abt her and house of hearth: seems like she really does care abt the kids in her org (or acts like it well eno#enough . but ahskdjksfjl she could ofc be another person who knows how bargaining and equivalent exchange works. like. save your life for#a debt. win loyalty via small favors that are actually nice things and things she doesn't mind doing etc#think how bai.zhu operates but a lot more ethically questionable#please please let her be a well rounded evil. her design is already so cool (minus the long rat tail ponytail thing :\)#chewing on her and her motivations and backstory for enrichment#genshin spoilers#4.0 spoilers#fontaine spoilers#arlecchino#i hope! they make her self aware enough to know she's doing evil. or not evil but not morally great things . and i sure hope they don't#write it off as 'this for that. food/shelter for doing 'jobs' for me' when the job is literally . murder and spying and all sorts of other#stuff. or ig she can justify it like that but IDK all im asking is that she doesn't get the shogun treatment#teyvat thoughts#ramblings!
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i <3 feeling like i'm literally always making the wrong choice
#every passing day i dig a little deeper the bottomless debt i owe my parents#monetarily and morally#and god i wish i could kill myself but noooooo i tried again and i can't fucking do it i can't#so i just. i don't know i want to be incapacitated i want to be in the psych ward forever.#i don't want to fail and never make enough money to pay for their retirement home#i don't want to have to visit them every god-knows-how-often#i don't want to be fifty years old and still having to exist in relation to my parents#and god they've done nothing BAD i shouldn't want to cut all contact with them#but it's so. i don't know. i don't know how people even do it.#like you always have to come back home you always have to act right you always have to think abt them and text them and call them#and nothing you do is ever right and you want things that can't coexist with their happiness and peace of mind#and you're an asshole in every way you're an asshole deep down and you're an asshole outwardly too#but you can't stop wanting stupid things and acting weird and demanding#and it's a curse upon them to have you near but it's literally so fucking ungrateful of you to stray away a little#and you still do it because you can't stop wanting to follow things instead of keeping to your resolutions#and trying to do the best for them#and nothing is ever the best for them it's always just bad choices cause you shouldn't even exist you're just wrong you're born wrong#you don't want things that are good for them too and you're not capable of good things#dad wants to go on vacation at his family's like twice a year. mom want to stay home and take care of business and relax this year too#even now that grandma is gone and doesn't require her to be near. cuz emptying the flat & all of that.#and it's just. cool cool i make the wrong choice whichever way.#if i stay with mom i'll make dad's family sad and inconvenience my mom and leave dad alone#if i go with dad i'll leave mom alone (also alone to work on the flat) and i'll be an annoying asshole to dad and his family#because i'm too stupid and egoistical to pretend to be fine with things that mildly inconvenience me for five seconds#and either way i won't do any fucking work because i'm a sad piece of shit and i'm going to fail the fuck out of school next year#broadcasting my misery#vent
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was gonna say smth else but this turned into a vent sorry everyone just ignore. typical weekend post on this blog u know how it is here we go👍
#wild ik so many ppl getting married meanwhile im over here struggling to convince myself my friends even care abt me or want me around#pathetic to admit but i cant even fantasise abt someone loving me bc im too insecure n emotionally unstable#my mind just shoots the idea down like whoa. unrealistic. ur incapable of expressing or receiving affection in any way that matters#no matter how badly u want to... and even if someone did well u wouldnt believe them most of the time#gotta get out of the fucking labyrinth first i couldnt inflict this shit on anyone i cared abt#but it makes me so desperately sad sometimes i dont know how im ever going to get out of this ive been trying for years and years#and im a little better at it snd i dont feel like this all of the time i know it just comes around and itll pass again#but im tired of being in so much emotional pain so frequently. and shouldering it so alone. theres such a disconnect between myself and#others and i dont know how to bridge that i don't know how to stop feeling so isolated and unwanted !!!!!! im trying so hard#it doesnt even bother me w relative strangers in my life like i dont get insecure at all around them i like meeting new ppl#bc theres like. no expectations i guess. like ik they dont care abt me personally and idk them well enough to do that either#and its fun but it doesnt satisfy needs that i have like i need to feel close + connected to ppl i need to care abt them + feel cared for#but as soon as i do start to care abt ppl it gets all tangled and i end up getting rly badly hurt over and over. thru no fault but my own#bc im constantly alienating myself and bc i struggle so much w shit like physical affection which is frustratingly rly critical for me!!!!#it wouldnt fucking matter if i didnt like or want affection ik some ppl are fine without i wish it worked like that for me#but nope instead i have to be constantly messed up over my complete fucking inability to express myself in any form#and ik it makes everyone around me so uncomfortable so it just becomes self reinforcing and eventually they drift and leave me behind#and i just do that over and over and over and every time ill tell myself ill do better ill try harder and itll get easier and someone will#and it happens again and right now im at the stage where the abandonment fear is starting to kick in which is awful n paralysing#and usually a precursor to actually being abandoned ehich is always my own fault bc i start behaving so erratically out of fear or defense#its self fulfilling and im trying. im trying so hard not to let it overwhelm me again and not to start acting out and freaking ppl out#and im coping with it okay i think but just hurts me a lot its all internal my rejection sensitivity is gradually ticking up and up#and argh!!!!!!!!! and some days im okay and some days its like this and i dont know what todo when its like this im so tired and in pain#its not even that bad today tbf. once im done typing this to get it out ill be able to do smth else and distract mysrlf for a bit#and then calling friends later too so exposure therapy innit. but itll be fun and i love them but i will probably also feel very bad after#or even possibly during but thats okay ill still manage fine im not going to let it interfere i dont want it controlling my fucking life#i am going to have a nice time and be okay despite it all. even if i do have to fucking battle this every day forever#and even if it stops me living my life to the extent i want and feeling as ok as i want i just have to come to terms with and be ok w it#and im not going to be!!! a fucking asshole abt it!!! i dont want to hurt anyone else thats the most important thing no matter how i feel#thr rest is all secondary and ik i cant help a few little bumps here and there but trying hardest to keep it separate its not negotiable
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Putting on last year's trans rigs stream from Drawfee before i have to get ready to go out with my mum and her bf today (bc i have the worst feeling in my gut he's gonna make that An Thing for me if given the chance today, aka whenever i eventually need the restroom while we're at Mystic)
#text post#Housemate was amazing and helped me calm down a bit before ae went to work bc my brain woke up in meltdown mode over this tbh#it sucks bc like. im excited to see my mum despite the Everything with that lmao#but im not excited for how her bf has been acting since they got here (and it's been day 1 out of 7 days)#with some outright homophobic comments while Housemate and i hosted them briefly at our house yesterday afternoon#not abt us but like. i mean. u know we're both queer so#doesn't really matter if it's abt us or not it's still fucky and makes me worry abt how he's gonna be today!!#doesn't help that he really wanted to go to Italy with her instead this summer#(despite the passive aggressive complaints from him & mum to a degree abt how expensive it was for them to come out here)#(we're ignoring the fact that a European trip would be even more expensive lmao tho i do think if they want to/can afford it they should go)#like. the Vibe from him has just been that he'll be Just Polite Enough but that he didn't want to be here#and he doesn't expect to have any fun and it's like#dude i am Trying. i and Housemate have looked up stuff to do that includes things he likes (like guns and historical weapons)#we tried making comments abt that yesterday like hey u might like this but if there's anything u have in mind already#and he was just. whatever idc but then made comments that made it clear he's not excited for anything else#like museums or the beach for sea glass hunting or the bird sanctuary or even the zoo#and all have places to rest/sit plus restrooms and food so I don't think it's a worry abt facilities thing for him#i think he's just fed up that I'm still involved in my mum's life since i moved and like#yes there's a detangling of the umbilical cord i and my past therapist were trying to eventually get my mum to cut#since cutting it myself in any attempt has had her metaphorically taping it back together#but like. it's not entirely on me here. I'm trying to set boundaries and make sure she's giving him more attention than me since he's w/her#more than i am now#i know he's upset when she helps me financially too (i offer to pay her back but she always refuses it) bc she took me aside yesterday#to give me some cash for the time with them for souvenirs/fun stuff i might not buy otherwise bc im trying to be mindful of money#aka still waiting on money my fkn job should have already paid me like. a week or more ago now#he makes her happy so even if he hates me i still care abt his frustrating ass#and i do want him to have as much fun as he can while still relaxing during the trip out here#but i feel like im gonna have to physically shake him by the shoulders screaming this before he listens#and even if he listens he probably won't believe me#sorry for the tag essay the edible hasn't kicked in yet can u guys tell lmao
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imo everyone on earth should be talking about Him (don't want this showing up in the tag even though it's not a diss) but everytime i go to the tag and there's only like 3 new posts i'm like. oh yeah almost no one cares except me and like 5 other ppl on here
i ran out of tags KFHSJENNXN i don't think that's literally ever happened to me before anyways don't read them because it's just me being insane as per usual
#most of his indirects on twitter are from people in diff asian countries as well and ik he's doing an asia tour soon(?)#bruh he's never coming back to the usa is he 😭😭😭 i need him in chicago i miss him so bad#i feel very ugly emotionally rn still bc i was reading all of the rando ass dating rumors of him last night LMAO and it pissed me off#i know i have no right to get mad and i'm being irrational but at the same time like. everyone is just like 'omg he's so in love rn'#bc his music has been very angsty and like. idk... conflicted? but his new song was very happy and sweet and very In Love Sounding#and i already know all his music is about one person bc he always talks about the same shit (he's very predictable i see right thru him)#and he's putting out a new song called 'shining' and he has been talking abt a person being his light/shining on him for the last 7yrs atp#so like. that's how i know it's about one specific person and i don't think he has moved on LMAOOO so unless he was dating the same random#7yrs ago i don't think he's dating any of the people they bring up tbh... i pay attention to these things not to brag or anything but like#being attentive to the people i love and noticing inconsistincies in their behavior and when they act diff is like. the only skill i have#at least irt other people LMAO like honestly i wrote all the lyrics he ever wrote down in a google doc and it shows a clear trajectory#that starts like... innocently and just gets more fucked up and toxic as it goes. and ppl say he's one of the most sane ppl they know#meanwhile he's been writing songs about 1 person for nearly 10 years and they get progressively more desperate and insane#I'M JUST SAYING. i completely forgot what my original point was but i guess it was most likely that. no one pays attention to him like i do#the songs started being about this person at the same time i started liking him and having dreams about meeting him btw#and they got progessively more uh. spiteful and desperate and weird as the years went on. did i mention i cast a spell on him 😐#and he literally says shit like 'it's impossible for me to move on' 'i don't care about anyone else' 'it's like i'm possessed' etc#and after we met at his concert he got really into saying shit like 'that one night wasn't enough' and 'the spotlight between us'#&the ever-famous 'i like the way you look at me' 'my eyes are on you' 'focus on me just look at me' when all i did was look at him all night#if you're reading this right now and thinking 'celeste do you seriously believe a kpop guy has been writing songs about you for 7 years?'#you should remember who i am and how i reacted to ***** having a gf (that i guessed exactly right months before he revealed it)#i'm schizophrenic 🤷♀️ but the guy i'm into was the one who started my fascination with soulmates and destiny and fate and shit like that#you know it's funny i mention that because he also started writing about that!!!!! in his songs!!! crazy#and he talks about the person making it hard for him to sleep and wanting to meet them in his dreams again and whathaveyou#i mean even in his two newest title tracks he says 'i'm frustrated in the studio the only melody that comes out is for you' and#'i want to turn everything about you into a song' in the newest one... hm.#and btw he announced his album right when i admitted i was in love with him again to my family (they know my insanity LMAO)#and he releases a song about being happy and in love and listening for someone's voice from far away to reach him/vice versa?????#right when i get back into him???#it's my fave color & his fave color & he's releasing it in my birth month like. i know billions of coincidences are a thing but it's crazy
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I think part of the reason why I struggle to feel close with anyone is like. I really only know how to get my social need filled through judgement and approval and rank-climbing.
It's part of why I keep wanting to involve myself in Greek Life, despite knowing how toxic it is. I'd have people around me always, constant social events, and the expectations would be clear and harsh always. So I'd have clear and easy ways to get supply. If someone's "love" is conditional, then I know when I'm doing the right things, I know when they're approving of me, I know when we're "connecting". I crave it.
But the system's close friends? They'll approve of us no matter what. So like. What then? How do I feel that connection? If I don't have to earn their care, what direction am I supposed to go in? What do I do, what do I talk about, how do I act?
#just spilling thoughts everywhere rn but ugh#im so lonely#saw smthn online that felt like it was calling me out directly lmaooo#about not caring about individuals and only caring about avoiding loneliness#(like i care abt ppl's well-being but i have no personal investment)#it felt like a strength. grey cares so deeply about specific people but also gets cut just as deeply bc of it#meanwhile i could get attention from anyone and be just as satisfied. couldn't care less about who it was or if x or y person randomly#stopped talking to me#(b4 anyone comes at me. again i intellectually care about the well-being of individuals. like i want them to have a good life and a good da#yknow. and im not a jerk. and personally i DO *want* to connect i just dont know how. the emotions and drive aren't there. it's not persona#at all. and it's fine if that's a dealbreaker for ppl but i'm not evil for it and i don't treat people badly bc of it)#my supply-seeking and overworking myself and ED behaviors are all caused by the same underlying need#i don't know how to exist without people. which is so funny bc for so long i've acted like i'm so invulnerable and independent and don't#give a shit about anyone's approval. but i do. so fucking deeply. and since direct interpersonal relationships are terrifying#my brain seeks out the next best thing - societal approval. no names or faces attached. just anyone. something. anything.#when i'm talking one-on-one with someone - yknow what no gonna make this another post and try and work it out separately
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Do you think some of the backlash Engage got came from Edelstans who were salty that the game didn't adhere to their narrative of "FE is all about all dragons bad, humanity good"?
I wasn't aware Engage got backlash tbh. I know it wasn't particularly well loved and that players moved on from it pretty fast (I similarly moved on pretty fast and didn't even bother finishing the DLC because it felt pointless to do so. It was too difficult too early on, but if I finished it late game when it'd be easier, I'd have the DLC units for so short a time in that run it would be pointless), but I didn't see it get any specific backlash.
If it did then yeah, I can only figure it came from Those Stans. Anyone who has played FE for longer than Three Houses (most people either started at FE7, FE9/10, FE13 or FE14 prior to Houses) doesn't give a shit about that stuff that because we all know that's not the narrative of the franchise. In fact, usually it's an internal conflict between dragons.
For anyone less aware of the dragons' story in previous titles:
Basically you've got Naga in one continuity (FE1-5 and the remakes) who made a call that a group of dragons didn't agree with and they turned against her, refusing to forgo their pride as dragons (i.e. they could stay as dragons and eventually go insane because of the decline at the time (something not present in FE4-5 which happens before FE1-3's timeline), or they could switch to a human form and live as humans and stay sane). It ended up in a long running feud between them.
Some of those dragons were bad apples and those are your endgame villains. Since the timeline starts with the Jugdral games, you get Loptous first who doesn't vibe with Naga (who at this time doesn't interfere with humans and doesn't believe in dragons doing so) and they're enemies. Loptous is the big baddie because he wants to conquer the continent, so his motivation is basically just dragon!Edelgard (nice irony at least), and he surrounds himself with people who are loyal to him and kills the rest (Edelgard lol).
During this time you're in gen 2, and during gen 2 the protagonist is led by a human loving dragon who never even announces his identity as a dragon and assists the human in surviving against the big bad dragon. Since the big bad dragon wants to kill the bloodlined people and enslave the rest as part of his conquest, you could say it technically falls right into his war with Naga. Conquer a continent, get a bunch of mooks to fight for you and have the power of a whole ass continent behind you. It would help him in fighting the dragons who sided with Naga. Thankfully we have mister human loving dragon who won't let that happen.
Later in the timeline is FE1, where we have big bad Medeus who is in a similar boat (except this is like 1000 years post Jugdral). Doesn't agree with Naga and wants to fight her. Starts conquering a continent with his little human mooks. By this point Naga has realized that isolated the dragons from humans was a mistake and enlists Marth's help. Medeus is defeated but comes back for FE3.
FE2 was about dragons among humans and the pros and cons of it. Happened between FE1 and FE3. There was no mention of All Dragons Bad because each dragon was seen as a god to the humans and they respected them (similarly to Jugdral's part in the timeline, where all the characters' gods are actually dragons).
Come FE6, that timeline is ditched entirely until FE13. FE6 and FE7 are about dragons and humans living in peace, and how a war broke out between them because humans got too fucking greedy and started killing them (so the dragons retaliated, got defeated and went into hiding behind a sealed door so the humans would leave them the fuck alone). The general idea behind these two games is, similarly to other other titles, about human greed.
Jugdral expresses this by Naga shutting out humanity because she saw how greedy they were after saving them once, seeing humans fighting each other again and again and again - especially the ones who got greedy because they had the power to conquer, which was given to them by the dragons. Basically the dragons in their goodwill gave humans losing a war the power to survive the war/fight back again, and then years later humans used that power to start more wars. Naga decided nope and stopped interacting with them. Mind you, in no part of these games does Naga personally ever try to help humans. She stuck to her guns regarding no helping humans and in background info from the creator apparently made it law not to interact with them.
FE8 ditches the concept of dragons almost entirely, having a manakete character who is pretty much completely irrelevant to the main plot.
FE9/10 don't focus on dragons as the Big Picture and are instead equally incorporate into the story with everything else. The racial issues aren't between humans and dragons, but instead just humans (referred to in these games as beorc, with "human" being used as an insult similar to a slur due to sub-human being used for laguz) and laguz. Dragons are a sub species of laguz and are generally neutral in conflict, with only some individuals acting with motivation.
So that all said, older fans with awareness of all this (especially prior to playing Houses, i.e. Houses wasn't their first game) don't look at Engage through Houses tinted lenses. We look at it as any other entry and base it accordingly. Nobody who has played the older titles prior to Houses seems to have any backlash against it. Most seem to find it mediocre as best as a game, but overall have no issues with the story and just mainly see it as much more lighthearted than most FE stories.
That said, yeah, the only people I can imagine giving outright backlash are people who are angry that the formula didn't follow its roots because in their ignorance, all they know being pixel waifu, goes against their beloved Agarthan/humanity/Agarthan-brainwashed-Edelgard narrative.
Engage follows the story of good and bad dragons, and the good dragons being friends with humanity while the bad dragons get fought by the good dragons and their human friends. It didn't continue CF's narrative because CF was the outlier in Houses in the first place, literally intended to be the villain route, and surprise surprise, the villain route is when dragons are the enemy.
In FE7's case in particular, there are only good dragons and they fight the big bad human who is obsessed with dragons because of their power. The final boss is a dragon who came out of the gate because Nergal tricked three dragons out basically, and in seeing humans the dragons reacted violently (which like, can you blame them? After everything humans put them through for pure greed?). Ninian had to kill them to stop them from rampaging, but she said it "wasn't their fault" (it wasn't), and she was only strong enough at the time to take two of them down, so you're left to fight the last one.
In FE8, the only dragon you get isn't bad and is just from a place got attacked and destroyed, so she's the only survivor who Ephraim helped, so she joins your army.
In other wordssss... every single FE has had the same general theme for each story. CF is intentionally the only outlier and while yes the devs 100 percent fully intended to make Edelgard lovable and were they themselves obsessed with her, it doesn't change the fact that it was made to specifically be the route where you sided with the bad guys. They do acknowledge her as the villain, they're just so obsessed with her that it comes across as her not being a villain. They also can't seem to handle becoming attached to a villain they wrote because then they don't want them to be a villain and suddenly can't commit to the route properly anymore. Wah wah.
I wrote about that stuff recently more than once so I won't do it again beyond that, but... yeah, anyone who knows the standard FE formula knows Engage is the same as all the others. Nobody who understands that is gonna complain about the overall story or be mad that it's not some humanity-is-best fantasy (when even irl most people are aware that it's not and that humans are literally destroying the planet lmao...).
Honestly, seeing how detached from reality those stans are is utterly baffling but also disgusting. That is, of course, assuming they're not all imperialists irl and yadda yadda, which I'm sure some are even if not all (as an American I can say that tends to be the average American straight white man mindset, and like Edelgard considers Fodlan "the world" in both games, said Americans also tend to view America as the world itself and conveniently forget other places exist). Most are probably just so detached from the reality of what they're defending so intensely and taking so seriously that they don't see or realize how horrific it all sounds.
Again though, being that detached and obsessive is just... insanely unhealthy to points those words alone can't describe. Also, to play a totally unrelated-to-another-timeline-in-the-franchise game and yet still judge it based on less than a fourth of the content in a previous timeline-isolated entry is pretty deranged (and I say less than a fourth because CF is several chapters shorter than all the other routes, so it's not even a fourth of a game with four routes).
If people are genuinely going to judge all other FE titles based on their imperialist pixel waifu, I'd prefer them to just not play the franchise at all. FE as a franchise is not CF The Franchise.
Also, that fictional/dragon race hating mindset feels like something that's the beginning of something much worse, i.e. actually being racist toward real people because it gets you thinking a certain way that may stick with you, you know?
These people are why the FE fandom has such a horrible reputation nowadays. They're also the reason why Edelgard as a character is as controversial as she is. Many people who hate her hate her because her stans have shoved their bullshit down their throat when people weren't even talking about her or were peacefully on their own space of the internet (i.e. their own Tumblr, Twitter etc). I've seen several people actually admit to this - that they didn't originally hate her but the stans made them actually hate her.
Stans have literally tried to go at me for posting things that I didn't even tag outside of my standard DCB Comments tag. The second they find something from the For You section (or back when Tumblr search for some reason showed posts based on the content in it and not based on the tags (which iirc they fixed?)), they can't hold themselves back and continue scrolling and ignore it. They can see it's not tagged and interact anyway, ridiculing and attacking people for posting "hate" (read: usually just literary criticism) that isn't even posted in any variation of Edelgard's tags.
See, here's the thing. I love Dimitri and Claude and I've seen plenty of shit takes about them that I loathe with my very being. But like, I know people with opinions that strong already are not going to agree with me. Ever. I'm not gonna bother wasting my time trying to change their mind or argue with them because it's just going to be an irritating back and forth. I see a bad take on them and I keep scrolling and ignore it, because interacting with them/the posts gets nobody anywhere at all. Unfortunately stans don't have this mindset and feel they have to attack anyone they can find. Funny really, how much like their imperialist waifu they really are.
So tl;dr as an answer to your question: yes, I do think any backlash for the game was from Edelgard stans, because anyone else playing this franchise has more than zero brain cells and can figure out that Engage is a very standard and normal addition to the franchise. Many people don't really care for it, but there wasn't any outright backlash from anyone else that I've seen.
#DCB Ask#the worse they behave the stronger my words for them get honestly#they went from annoying to just outright dangerous and disgusting#I've seen the whole thing going around about a totally unrelated to social media author getting harassed for their fic#it's honestly extremely tiring to have to be careful what you post that isn't even fucking tagged#and I've reached this line of like... I've stopped caring and post what I want but also being paranoid abt it#evidently even if you don't get directly attacked by them they DO share shit with each other and bitch abt you#and make up shit about the kind if person you are without even knowing you and just#basing you entirely and completely off a single post they found#like you can't be in this fandom without by extension being one of their potential targets at any given millisecond#even if you're not involved with them or even if you don't even know they exist! even if you're just#innocently existing! they WILL come after you if they decide you don't like Edelgard ''correctly''#like I said. funny. they act exactly like her so no surprise they're madly in love with her/the idea of her iron fist ruling a continent#one that mind you she refers to as ''the world'' -gags-
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Currently fighting with someone in the pmore SA/LatAm tour post comment section bc apparently the UK is all of Europe and ppl from Europe don't get to ask to have a good time bc bri'ish people only think abt themselves and as long as they get what *they* want that's all that matters I guess 💁🏼♀️ woe is me 🙄🙄
#Like lmao first I was like 'maybe ur just confused' and gave them the benefit of the doubt and shit#Bc I commented where are the eu dates and they said 'oh scroll back they already did' even tho I KNEW that was bs#Bc they had only announced UK so I said sure it's a part of Europe but there are more countries#If that's eu then I guess I live in Narnia and they literally just went "well I got tickets no prob#If u lived where I do u wouldn't have any problems with that' like NO FUCKING SHIT guess u don't get to have a good time then?#Oh my God what an asshole I am for asking to see one of my fav bands my poor little European peasant self 🙄🙄 GAG#It was just sooooo condescending now I'm seeing red you tried it bitch#That's not the exact wording of what they said but it lowkey got me abt to ask someone to hold my purse bc I'm gonna act out#wow anna said something#anna's shitposts#You can take your atitude and shove it up your ass while you're at it... Fucking British people...#I literally dk if they're British but I'm gonna go out on a limb and assume bc the whole thing was abt the UK#Yes it was on the SA leg post bc that's what's abt to start lol#Either way if they're not I don't rly care bc the way they said it just sounded like they get shit without having to ask... So UK#Bc they always get shows for everything but ik it's not the same for LatAm#*I don't get get not u it's 3am give me a break bro (in the 3rd tag)
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Life is weird as arospec asexual bc there's no good way to use words to describe what I feel and my experience that properly conveys it to allosexual alloromantic people
Even if I use vocabulary meant for this there's no way to grasp what it truly feels like, what the lived experience is like for me, because the allosexual doesn't experience it doesn't understand it
And so it's like trying to convey colors to someone with a different perception of color. They experience a reality different to mine. And maybe perception and sensation is the wrong allegory to use, even. Maybe the stimuli we experience is different in the first place. Maybe the sensation is different. But perception is definitely different. And it's hard to tell at which point do things start to differ.
But either way it's hard and I find it increasingly hard to explain myself or want to explain myself. It's so much easier to adopt that language and that culture aside from the gaping feeling that it's not exactly what you're experiencing. I can co-opt the term crush but what I feel. I know. Is not romantic attraction. Maybe some elements are the same but it's definitely diverged somewhere. But is there really a point in explaining the differences or clarifying that it's different? As long as the final goal is achieved does it really matter? Why am I doing this again.
#kk rambles#aspec moment#idek it's frustrating but only in the sense that im the only one bothered by it bc. well. yeah. I'm not living in a society meant for me.#society is for monogamous alloromantic allosexual people. for cishet monogamous allosexuals you don't have to think so hard about how to be#and for years ive been telling myself that im lucky at least that being on the aspec is a more latent invisible identity#it's not something i have to actively say out loud it's mostly an absence a negative it's something i can live with by living without#but it ultimately isn't something i can keep running away from and lie to myself about. ultimately it does get harder and harder to fit in#and it's weird sometimes to be living half truths#i tell some people i have a crush on my friend just because it's easier that way. i tell other people it's not a crush because it's not.#not exactly. not really. but it's easier sometimes to be. if it has to be a crush it can be a crush.#obviously she's special and she's different to some extent but it's not. attraction for sure. and it's definitely not romantic.#but does it really matter what it is? not really. the point is what needs to happen and what I'm going to do about it.#idk ik it's fucked up but there are moments where. ik im not living honestly to myself.#if i have to date someone to keep them in my life i will. if someone tells me they want to date me I'll learn to love them romantically.#i love the people i care about and i want them to stay in my life. but. I don't think. i have the capacity to feel certain things#and they seem to come so naturally to people and despite me trying so hard to imitate it. sometimes. it falls flat. it sounds hollow.#because it's so hard to define what i feel sometimes i really like clarity and certainty. it makes me feel at ease. i know how to act.#but then some other times i find a lot of comfort in the status quo and not knowing and not defining anything.#nobody has to know really. at the end of the day all that matters is i love and care about you.#it's friendship to me but more than what society deems acceptable for friends :/ but i. i know i can't feel. what society calls romance.#so where does that leave me haha#anyway this spiralling was triggered by 3 ppl deciding to talk abt love and partners and crushes to me today and im. ugh.#i have someone currently who's like an emotional support favorite person! she's not a crush though. but it's easier to just say that.#esp to ppl who I don't wanna come out as aroace spec. bc the coming out like. never stops. and im tired. hehe <3 and i wanna be normal#but i also don't want her to get the wrong idea. am i flirting. is this platonic. god knows. i sure don't. hehe <3#I'll do anything it can be anything as long as i can keep you as my friend in my life do not ask me abt the trauma nothing is there /hj
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