#I just don't want to salt myself :)
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Okay, my brain refuses to think about anything other than Murderbot, so I looked at every use of the word "friend[s]" in TMBD and... created some pie charts. Normal human activities.
Some Thoughts™ I had while putting this together (under the cut):
In All Systems Red, Murderbot notes that the PresAux crew are all close friends (twice! and goes on to explain their internal relationships which I think is very cute). This is pretty much the only use of 'friends' in ASR, except for when Murderbot says that SecUnits can't be friends with each other.
It seems that this may be one of the first times Murderbot has ever really been around a group of friends before? Murderbot notes that this is not the norm for its contracts and admits that the fact that they are all friends and the way they interact with each other make it actually enjoy that contract (before!!!! the hostile attack, so it already enjoys this contract before they start seeing it as a person etc ghghhhh). [Inference: Friendship seems enjoyable.]
The first character that calls Murderbot its friend is ART in Artificial Condition. Murderbot immediately refutes this (and then goes on to call ART its friend to its clients for the rest of the book). [Inference: Maybe ART is Murderbot's friend. And maybe that is... agreeable]
Rogue Protocol has more than twice as many instances of the word 'friend' as any of the other novellas. Why? Miki. Friendship and its implications for non-humans are a central theme because Miki is friends with everyone. Murderbot initially scoffs at the notion that Miki and Miki's humans are friends. At the end of the book, after witnessing how desperately Don Abene tried to stop Miki from trying to save them, and her grief after its death, Murderbot has to admit that she had in fact been Miki's friend. [Inference: Humans can be friends with bots and can sincerely care about them]
In Exit Strategy, Murderbot tentatively uses the word "friends" for its humans for the first time (several times actually). It questions whether it can actually call them its friends or not and later realizes that it had been afraid what admitting that the humans are its friends would do to it. At the end of the book, Mensah tells Murderbot the PresAux crew are its friends, which is the first time a human has directly said that to it (at least on-page). [Inference: Humans can and want to be Murderbot's friends]
In Network Effect, Murderbot seems to be more habituated to the word 'friend', confidently calling ART and Ratthi its friends, like it is no longer just trying the concept on unsure if it fits. There are many instances in which other characters refer to MB as ART's friend or the other way around and Murderbot's humans refer to Murderbot as their friend several times. Generally, there seems to be less hesitancy, because yes, all of them are Murderbot's friends, why wouldn't they be. [Inference: SecUnits can have friends. This SecUnit has friends. They care about it a lot.]
Conclusion: The Murderbot Diaries tell the story of a construct that does not seem to consider the possibility of friendship for itself and is fine with that - until it accidentally starts caring a little too much and suddenly more and more people annex it as a friend (ew) to the point where it can no longer deny that this is happening and has to begrudgingly admit that yes, it has friends now and maybe that is actually not a bad thing.
#the murderbot diaries#murderbot#𓄿#hi i'm READY to write a thesis about murderbot i am having way too much fun with this#i created a pretty excel spreadsheet and everything#i don't know why i did this but now i can look at them while i think about this more! so i figured i'd share them haha#i didn't count uses of 'friendly' but special shoutout to when MB is all alone in its cold cubicle missing 20% of its body mass#and starts putting on a show because 'the friendly noise would keep it company' 😭😭#i feel sick thinking about murderbot all alone on its own not knowing what its like to have friends watching media for 'the friendly noise'#also YES okay i wanted to make a point about miki there but i just#couldn't bring myself to talk about that more so... yeah#also uhhh this data is very subjective#i didn't count particularly ironic uses of 'friend' and generally did not count every instance of friend and sometimes it was a hard call#also i probably shouldn't have counted the times murderbot refered to drones or secsystems as its friends (often after hacking them)#but murderbot does seem to care about them and shows kindness and respect and sometimes points out that a system is friendly#so while i don't think MB means “friend” in the same way referring to them as when it refers to ART for instance#i still think its CUTE and also kinda funny how many times that happened so i decided to keep those!!!#but yeah take my data with a grain of salt lol
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Tell Your Dad You Love Him
A retelling of "Meat Loves Salt"/"Cap O'Rushes" for the @inklings-challenge Four Loves event
An old king had three daughters. When his health began to fail, he summoned them, and they came.
Gordonia and Rowan were already waiting in the hallway when Coriander arrived. They were leaned up against the wall opposite the king’s office with an air of affected casualness. “I wonder what the old war horse wants today?” Rowan was saying. “More about next year’s political appointments, I shouldn’t wonder.”
“The older he gets, the more he micromanages,” Gordonia groused fondly. “A thousand dollars says this meeting could’ve been an email.”
They filed in single-file like they’d so often done as children: Gordonia first, then Rowan, and Coriander last of all. The king had placed three chairs in front of his desk all in a row. His daughters murmured their greetings, and one by one they sat down.
“I have divided everything I have in three,” the king said. “I am old now, and it’s time. Today, I will pass my kingdom on to you, my daughters.”
A short gasp came from Gordonia. None of them could have imagined that their father would give up running his kingdom while he still lived.
The king went on. “I know you will deal wisely with that which I leave in your care. But before we begin, I have one request.”
“Yes father?” said Rowan.
“Tell me how much you love me.”
An awkward silence fell. Although there was no shortage of love between the king and his daughters, theirs was not a family which spoke of such things. They were rich and blue-blooded: a soldier and the daughters of a soldier, a king and his three court-reared princesses. The royal family had always shown their affection through double meanings and hot cups of coffee.
Gordonia recovered herself first. She leaned forward over the desk and clasped her father’s hands in her own. “Father,” she said, “I love you more than I can say.” A pause. “I don’t think there’s ever been a family so happy in love as we have been. You’re a good dad.”
The old king smiled and patted her hand. “Thank you, Gordonia. We have been very happy, haven’t we? Here is your inheritance. Cherish it, as I cherish you.”
Rowan spoke next; the words came tumbling out. “Father! There’s not a thing in my life which you didn’t give me, and all the joy in the world beside. Come now, Gordonia, there’s no need to understate the matter. I love you more than—why, more than life itself!”
The king laughed, and rose to embrace his second daughter. “How you delight me, Rowan. All of this will be yours.”
Only Coriander remained. As her sisters had spoken, she’d wrung her hands in her lap, unsure of what to say. Did her father really mean for flattery to be the price of her inheritance? That just wasn’t like him. For all that he was a politician, he’d been a soldier first. He liked it when people told the truth.
When the king’s eyes came to rest on her, Coriander raised her own to meet them. “Do you really want to hear what you already know?”
“I do.”
She searched for a metaphor that could carry the weight of her love without unnecessary adornment. At last she found one, and nodded, satisfied. “Dad, you’re like—like salt in my food.”
“Like salt?”
“Well—yes.”
The king’s broad shoulders seemed to droop. For a moment, Coriander almost took back her words. Her father was the strongest man in the world, even now, at eighty. She’d watched him argue with foreign rulers and wage wars all her life. Nothing could hurt him. Could he really be upset?
But no. Coriander held her father’s gaze. She had spoken true. What harm could be in that?
“I don’t know why you’re even here, Cor,” her father said.
Now, Coriander shifted slightly in her seat, unnerved. “What? Father—”
“It would be best if—you should go,” said the old king.
“Father, you can’t really mean–”
“Leave us, Coriander.”
So she left the king’s court that very hour.
.
It had been a long time since she’d gone anywhere without a chauffeur to drive her, but Coriander’s thoughts were flying apart too fast for her to be afraid. She didn’t know where she would go, but she would make do, and maybe someday her father would puzzle out her metaphor and call her home to him. Coriander had to hope for that, at least. The loss of her inheritance didn’t feel real yet, but her father—how could he not know that she loved him? She’d said it every day.
She’d played in the hall outside that same office as a child. She’d told him her secrets and her fears and sent him pictures on random Tuesdays when they were in different cities just because. She had watched him triumph in conference rooms and on the battlefield and she’d wanted so badly to be like him.
If her father doubted her love, then maybe he’d never noticed any of it. Maybe the love had been an unnoticed phantasm, a shadow, a song sung to a deaf man. Maybe all that love had been nothing at all.
A storm was on the horizon, and it reached her just as she made it onto the highway. Lightning flashed and thunder rolled. Rain poured down and flooded the road. Before long, Coriander was hydroplaning. Frantically, she tried to remember what you were supposed to do when that happened. Pump the brakes? She tried. No use. Wasn’t there something different you did if the car had antilock brakes? Or was that for snow? What else, what else–
With a sickening crunch, her car hit the guardrail. No matter. Coriander’s thoughts were all frenzied and distant. She climbed out of the car and just started walking.
Coriander wandered beneath an angry sky on the great white plains of her father’s kingdom. The rain beat down hard, and within seconds she was soaked to the skin. The storm buffeted her long hair around her head. It tangled together into long, matted cords that hung limp down her back. Mud soiled her fine dress and splattered onto her face and hands. There was water in her lungs and it hurt to breathe. Oh, let me die here, Coriander thought. There’s nothing left for me, nothing at all. She kept walking.
.
When she opened her eyes, Coriander found herself in a dank gray loft. She was lying on a strange feather mattress.
She remained there a while, looking up at the rafters and wondering where she could be. She thought and felt, as it seemed, through a heavy and impenetrable mist; she was aware only of hunger and weakness and a dreadful chill (though she was all wrapped in blankets). She knew that a long time must have passed since she was fully aware, though she had a confused memory of wandering beside the highway in a thunderstorm, slowly going mad because—because— oh, there’d been something terrible in her dreams. Her father, shoulders drooping at his desk, and her sisters happily come into their inheritance, and she cast into exile—
She shuddered and sat up dizzily. “Oh, mercy,” she murmured. She hadn’t been dreaming.
She stumbled out of the loft down a narrow flight of stairs and came into a strange little room with a single window and a few shabby chairs. Still clinging to the rail, she heard a ruckus from nearby and then footsteps. A plump woman came running to her from the kitchen, wiping her hands on her apron and softly clucking at the state of her guest’s matted, tangled hair.
“Dear, dear,” said the woman. “Here’s my hand, if you’re still unsteady. That’s good, good. Don’t be afraid, child. I’m Katherine, and my husband is Folke. He found you collapsed by the goose-pond night before last. I’m she who dressed you—your fine gown was ruined, I’m afraid. Would you like some breakfast? There’s coffee on the counter, and we’ll have porridge in a minute if you’re patient.”
“Thank you,” Coriander rasped.
“Will you tell me your name, my dear?”
“I have no name. There’s nothing to tell.”
Katherine clicked her tongue. “That’s alright, no need to worry. Folke and I’ve been calling you Rush on account of your poor hair. I don’t know if you’ve seen yourself, but it looks a lot like river rushes. No, don’t get up. Here’s your breakfast, dear.”
There was indeed porridge, as Katherine had promised, served with cream and berries from the garden. Coriander ate hungrily and tasted very little. Then, when she was finished, the goodwife ushered her over to a sofa by the window and put a pillow beneath her head. Coriander thanked her, and promptly fell asleep.
.
She woke again around noon, with the pounding in her head much subsided. She woke feeling herself again, to visions of her father inches away and the sound of his voice cracking across her name.
Katherine was outside in the garden; Coriander could see her through the clouded window above her. She rose and, upon finding herself still in a borrowed nightgown, wrapped herself in a blanket to venture outside.
“Feeling better?” Katherine was kneeling in a patch of lavender, but she half rose when she heard the cottage door open.
“Much. Thank you, ma’am.
“No thanks necessary. Folke and I are ministers, of a kind. We keep this cottage for lost and wandering souls. You’re free to remain here with us for as long as you need.”
“Oh,” was all Coriander could think to say.
“You’ve been through a tempest, haven’t you? Are you well enough to tell me where you came from?”
Coriander shifted uncomfortably. “I’m from nowhere,” she said. “I have nothing.”
“You don’t owe me your story, child. I should like to hear it, but it will keep till you’re ready. Now, why don’t you put on some proper clothes and come help me with this weeding.”
.
Coriander remained at the cottage with Katherine and her husband Folke for a week, then a fortnight. She slept in the loft and rose with the sun to help Folke herd the geese to the pond. After, Coriander would return and see what needed doing around the cottage. She liked helping Katherine in the garden.
The grass turned gold and the geese’s thick winter down began to come in. Coriander’s river-rush hair proved itself unsalvageable. She spent hours trying to untangle it, first with a hairbrush, then with a fine-tooth comb and a bottle of conditioner, and eventually even with honey and olive oil (a home remedy that Folke said his mother used to use). So, at last, Coriander surrendered to the inevitable and gave Katherine permission to cut it off. One night, by the yellow light of the bare bulb that hung over the kitchen table, Katherine draped a towel over Coriander’s shoulders and tufts of gold went falling to the floor all round her.
“I’m here because I failed at love,” she managed to tell the couple at last, when her sorrows began to feel more distant. “I loved my father, and he knew it not.”
Folke and Katherine still called her Rush. She didn’t correct them. Coriander was the name her parents gave her. It was the name her father had called her when she was six and racing down the stairs to meet him when he came home from Europe, and at ten when she showed him the new song she’d learned to play on the harp. She’d been Cor when she brought her first boyfriend home and Cori the first time she shadowed him at court. Coriander, Coriander, when she came home from college the first time and he’d hugged her with bruising strength. Her strong, powerful father.
As she seasoned a pot of soup for supper, she wondered if he understood yet what she’d meant when she called him salt in her food.
.
Coriander had been living with Katherine and Folke for two years, and it was a morning just like any other. She was in the kitchen brewing a pot of coffee when Folke tossed the newspaper on the table and started rummaging in the fridge for his orange juice. “Looks like the old king’s sick again,” he commented casually. Coriander froze.
She raced to the table and seized hold of the paper. There, above the fold, big black letters said, KING ADMITTED TO HOSPITAL FOR EMERGENCY TREATMENT. There was a picture of her father, looking older than she’d ever seen him. Her knees went wobbly and then suddenly the room was sideways.
Strong arms caught her and hauled her upright. “What’s wrong, Rush?”
“What if he dies,” she choked out. “What if he dies and I never got to tell him?”
She looked up into Folke’s puzzled face, and then the whole sorry story came tumbling out.
When she was through, Katherine (who had come downstairs sometime between salt and the storm) took hold of her hand and kissed it. “Bless you, dear,” she said. “I never would have guessed. Maybe it’s best that you’ve both had some time to think things over.”
Katherine shook her head. “But don’t you think…?”
“Yes?”
“Well, don’t you think he should have known that I loved him? I shouldn’t have needed to say it. He’s my father. He’s the king.”
Katherine replied briskly, as though the answer should have been obvious. “He’s only human, child, for all that he might wear a crown; he’s not omniscient. Why didn’t you tell your father what he wanted to hear?”
“I didn’t want to flatter him,” said Coriander. “That was all. I wanted to be right in what I said.”
The goodwife clucked softly. “Oh dear. Don’t you know that sometimes, it’s more important to be kind than to be right?”
.
In her leave-taking, Coriander tried to tell Katherine and Folke how grateful she was to them, but they wouldn’t let her. They bought her a bus ticket and sent her on her way towards King’s City with plenty of provisions. Two days later, Coriander stood on the back steps of one of the palace outbuildings with her little carpetbag clutched in her hands.
Stuffing down the fear of being recognized, Coriander squared her shoulders and hoped they looked as strong as her father’s. She rapped on the door, and presently a maid came and opened it. The maid glanced Coriander up and down, but after a moment it was clear that her disguise held. With all her long hair shorn off, she must have looked like any other girl come in off the street.
“I’m here about a job,” said Coriander. “My name’s Rush.”
.
The king's chambers were half-lit when Coriander brought him his supper, dressed in her servants’ apparel. He grunted when she knocked and gestured with a cane towards his bedside table. His hair was snow-white and he was sitting in bed with his work spread across a lap-desk. His motions were very slow.
Coriander wanted to cry, seeing her father like that. Yet somehow, she managed to school her face. Like he would, she kept telling herself. Stoically, she put down the supper tray, then stepped back out into the hallway.
It was several minutes more before the king was ready to eat. Coriander heard papers being shuffled, probably filed in those same manilla folders her father had always used. In the hall, Coriander felt the seconds lengthen. She steeled herself for the moment she knew was coming, when the king would call out in irritation, “Girl! What's the matter with my food? Why hasn’t it got any taste?”
When that moment came, all would be made right. Coriander would go into the room and taste his food. “Why,” she would say, with a look of complete innocence, “It seems the kitchen forgot to salt it!” She imagined how her father’s face would change when he finally understood. My daughter always loved me, he would say.
Soon, soon. It would happen soon. Any second now.
The moment never came. Instead, the floor creaked, followed by the rough sound of a cane striking the floor. The door opened, and then the king was there, his mighty shoulders shaking. “Coriander,” he whispered.
“Dad. You know me?”
“Of course.”
“Then you understand now?”
The king’s wrinkled brow knit. “Understand about the salt? Of course, I do. It wasn't such a clever riddle. There was surely no need to ruin my supper with a demonstration.”
Coriander gaped at him. She'd expected questions, explanations, maybe apologies for sending her away. She'd never imagined this.
She wanted very badly to seize her father and demand answers, but then she looked, really looked, at the way he was leaning on his cane. The king was barely upright; his white head was bent low. Her questions would hold until she'd helped her father back into his room.
“If you knew what I meant–by saying you were like salt in my food– then why did you tell me to go?” she asked once they were situated back in the royal quarters.
Idly, the king picked at his unseasoned food. “I shouldn’t have done that. Forgive me, Coriander. My anger and hurt got the better of me, and it has brought me much grief. I never expected you to stay away for so long.”
Coriander nodded slowly. Her father's words had always carried such fierce authority. She'd never thought to question if he really meant what he’d said to her.
“As for the salt,” continued the king, "Is it so wrong that an old man should want to hear his daughters say ‘I love you' before he dies?”
Coriander rolled the words around in her head, trying to make sense of them. Then, with a sudden mewling sound from her throat, she managed to say, “That's really all you wanted?”
“That's all. I am old, Cor, and we've spoken too little of love in our house.” He took another bite of his unsalted supper. His hand shook. “That was my failing, I suppose. Perhaps if I’d said it, you girls would have thought to say it back.”
“But father!” gasped Coriander, “That’s not right. We've always known we loved one another! We've shown it a thousand ways. Why, I've spent the last year cataloging them in my head, and I've still not even scratched the surface!”
The king sighed. “Perhaps you will understand when your time comes. I knew, and yet I didn't. What can you really call a thing you’ve never named? How do you know it exists? Perhaps all the love I thought I knew was only a figment.”
“But that’s what I’ve been afraid of all this time,” Coriander bit back. “How could you doubt? If it was real at all– how could you doubt?”
The king’s weathered face grew still. His eyes fell shut and he squeezed them. “Death is close to me, child. A small measure of reassurance is not so very much to ask.”
.
Coriander slept in her old rooms that night. None of it had changed. When she woke the next morning, for a moment she remembered nothing of the last two years.
She breakfasted in the garden with her father, who came down the steps in a chair-lift. “Coriander,” he murmured. “I half-thought I dreamed you last night.”
“I’m here, Dad,” she replied. “I’m not going anywhere.”
Slowly, the king reached out with one withered hand and caressed Coriander's cheek. Then, his fingers drifted up to what remained of her hair. He ruffled it, then gently tugged on a tuft the way he'd used to playfully tug her long braid when she was a girl.
“I love you,” he said.
“That was always an I love you, wasn’t it?” replied Coriander. “My hair.”
The king nodded. “Yes, I think it was.”
So Coriander reached out and gently tugged the white hairs of his beard. “You too,” she whispered.
.
“Why salt?” The king was sitting by the fire in his rooms wrapped in two blankets. Coriander was with him, enduring the sweltering heat of the room without complaint.
She frowned. “You like honesty. We have that in common. I was trying to be honest–accurate–to avoid false flattery.”
The king tugged at the outer blanket, saying nothing. His lips thinned and his eyes dropped to his lap. Coriander wished they wouldn’t. She wished they would hold to hers, steely and ready for combat as they always used to be.
“Would it really have been false?” the king said at last. “Was there no other honest way to say it? Only salt?”
Coriander wanted to deny it, to give speech to the depth and breadth of her love, but once again words failed her. “It was my fault,” she said. “I didn’t know how to heave my heart into my throat.” She still didn’t, for all she wanted to.
.
When the doctor left, the king was almost too tired to talk. His words came slowly, slurred at the edges and disconnected, like drops of water from a leaky faucet.
Still, Coriander could tell that he had something to say. She waited patiently as his lips and tongue struggled to form the words. “Love you… so… much… You… and… your sisters… Don’t… worry… if you… can’t…say…how…much. I… know.”
It was all effort. The king sat back when he was finished. Something was still spasming in his throat, and Coriander wanted to cry.
“I’m glad you know,” she said. “I’m glad. But I still want to tell you.”
Love was effort. If her father wanted words, she would give him words. True words. Kind words. She would try…
“I love you like salt in my food. You're desperately important to me, and you've always been there, and I don't know what I'll do without you. I don’t want to lose you. And I love you like the soil in a garden. Like rain in the spring. Like a hero. You have the strongest shoulders of anyone I know, and all I ever wanted was to be like you…”
A warm smile spread across the old king’s face. His eyes drifted shut.
#inklingschallenge#theme: storge#story: complete#inklings challenge#leah stories#OKAY. SO#i spend so much time thinking about king lear. i think i've said before that it's my favorite shakespeare play. it is not close#and one of the hills i will die on is that cordelia was not in the right when she refused to flatter her dad#like. obviously he's definitely not in the right either. the love test was a screwed up way to make sure his kids loved him#he shouldn't have tied their inheritances into it. he DEFINITELY shouldn't have kicked cordelia out when she refused to play#but like. Cordelia. there is no good reason not to tell your elderly dad how much you love him#and okay obviously lear is my starting point but the same applies to the meat loves salt princess#your dad wants you to tell him you love him. there is no good reason to turn it into a riddle. you had other options#and honestly it kinda bothers me when people read cordelia/the princess as though she's perfectly virtuous#she's very human and definitely beats out the cruel sisters but she's definitely not aspirational. she's not to be emulated#at the end of the day both the fairytale and the play are about failures in storge#at happens when it's there and you can't tell. when it's not and you think it is. when you think you know someone's heart and you just don'#hey! that's a thing that happens all the time between parents and children. especially loving past each other and speaking different langua#so the challenge i set myself with this story was: can i retell the fairytale in such a way that the princess is unambiguously in the wrong#and in service of that the king has to get softened so his errors don't overshadow hers#anyway. thank you for coming to my TED talk#i've been thinking about this story since the challenge was announced but i wrote the whole thing last night after the super bowl#got it in under the wire! yay!#also! the whole 'modern setting that conflicts with the fairytale language' is supposed to be in the style of modern shakespeare adaptation#no idea if it worked but i had a lot of fun with it#pontifications and creations
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every time i see someone claim the ancients were a magical indigenous utopia to aspire to (with 'a few little problems'), and any criticism of them as a society is apologia for native genocide, i clutch my head in agony. never change, twitter
#FF tag#ffxivtag#racism cw#anti-indigenous racism cw#there's just. there's so much. there's So Much#there's so much here that is just utterly balls out offensive in just. every direction and is in fact! incredibly anti-indigenous!#every time i start trying to summarize even one of them it turns into a massive tag rant!#tl;dr of about half of it is that if they *were* meant to be interpreted as indigenous; in the sense that it is applied to irl cultures#that's not heartwarming poignant representation; or even a depiction the narrative should be criticized for drawing its conclusions about#that's 'hey what the fuck are these parameters you've built into this world/magic system/society/etc re: the victims'#'the premise this setup is based on is already fucked; no matter what statement you have to make about it'#spoiler alert: 'indigenous genocide victims did it to themselves with no outside involvement'#and 'indigenous people want to reclaim land; culture; and government from colonizers by violently wiping out Our Way of Life'#'and that is in fact the *only* way for them to do so. it's flat out impossible for things to go otherwise. it's us or them'#would be INCREDIBLY offensive tropes even before you get into everything else being implied by this metaphor#which again there is SO MUCH don't get me started. i keep having to restrain myself because i know there is not enough room in the tags#but oh my god. anyway i keep getting jumpscared by this take on other sites and i phase out of my body every time#It's Bad#the salt files#the crit files#warning: worm grass
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So, on the topic of female muses. Right, I’ve changed my mind, I want to separate these two topics as this one is really on the forefront of my mind. Man, not once have I ever thought that I'd write a post in which I would genuinely ever use 'as a woman' as part of enforcing my argument, but here I am: May 2nd of 2024 marks the day.
So, here's the band-aid that I'm ripping off: if you follow me for the sole purpose of showing support because I write a female character: don't. As a woman, I actively don't want that mindset anywhere remotely near me. I don't want that kind of support from you, I don't want that kind of pity from anyone, I don't want the 'sisterhood' to rally around me, I don't want 'our girls can be besties' on the simple and mere premise that they're both women. Get out of here, I don't want anything to do with it. If you follow me, I want it to be because I've piqued your curiosity with my analyses, and that I've earned your interest (yes, just like you earn everything in life, including someone's attention and respect), and that I've made you want to approach and interact with me because the character that I write appeals to you on the premise of being a good presentation of a character, regardless of whether she's a woman or not. Do not think for even a moment, that you are under any obligation of interacting with me because I write a female character, because you're not. And honestly, on top of that, I don't deserve any sort of special recognition for writing a woman, I don't face any kind of daily struggles in life for writing a woman on Tumblr.com; I do not and have never felt 'lesser' or 'prejudiced against' for writing a woman throughout all of my years of writing them off and on across so many different fandoms, both canonical and original alike.
I genuinely hate reading so many posts that tell me to 'hang in there', and to 'stay strong, girlfriend' as if I'm fighting some war: I'm not. I don't want to be associated with this kind of mindset and/or behavior, I rebel against it and would shout it from the highest rooftops if my lungs permitted me to do so. I do not write a woman because I want to 'represent women', I do not write a woman because I'm 'fighting against discrimination', I do not write a woman to get respect from other women, I do not write a woman because I love women more than anything else in this world, I do not write a woman to help carry any sort of torch for my sex, and I certainly don't write a woman to say 'fuck you' to men. Honestly, and I say this as a woman: it would be pretty devastating to know that you, a (most likely) fellow woman on this platform, would reduce a female writer to wanting to write a female character for those reasons, and nothing else. My rage then, would be aimed in one direction, and one direction alone. And quite honestly, it's already there; my respect is more than halfway out the door.
I write the female characters that I do, because they're amazing characters that happen to be women, and I've written amazing characters that happened to be men. And guess what, many of those amazing female characters that so many of us love so desperately? Have been written by men, just like women, too, have written incredible male characters. I wish that were a reality that many of you could look at and realize, instead of pointing fingers at 'cishet men', as if they are the huge majority within this RPC.
Any way, I'm getting a little off-topic so let me get back to my point, because I sure as hell want to be sure that it's read, understood and that it's taken at face value: every single follower is appreciated more than they realize. However, be here because you appreciate what I do because I do it well, that I've earned your attention and am deserving of it, and not because I'm a woman or because I write one, because that would be one hell of a disappointment (and quite frankly: an insult) to come to terms with.
#[ ooc. ] don't try to make it logical or edit your soul according to the fashion. rather; follow your most intense obsessions mercilessly.#[ psa. ] we all think we have infinite possibilities; but every question and answer is constrained by previous choices.#[ salt. ] that breathing sensation? remember it.#[ god. it just angers me so much that this is something that i have to write. ]#[ i want to build the thickest and tallest wall around my blog so that i can separate myself from this mindset. ]#[ because i've seen the posts. and i've seen those in their notes. and god-- if this is even a /thought/. ]#[ if ANY of these reasons were the first reason as to why you followed me? man. that would really fucking suck. ]#[ like i'm just saying. god. that's the dead opposite of support. that's not support /at all/. ]#[ i've always disliked this sisterhood mentality. but every now and again i think we've moved on. and then i see it again. ]#[ i just. no. ]#[ i'm so tired guys. i'm /so tired/. ]
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HxH and HTTP Status Codes
The HTTP 403, 404, and 405 references in the Hunter Exam (as foreshadowing or character-summaries) is so sickening, but at the same time it's hard to deny that Togashi probably was referencing them, considering that the manga came out in 1998 while HTTP codes were a thing since 1992-1993 (and he spent a whole page explaining what the internet and computers were). It could definitely be a coincidence, but the definitions of what 403, 404, and 405 end up meaning is something we see as the stories have progressed.
For context, these are the Error Codes, and as the reader I think you may already guess and connect the dots on why I find the correlations so intriguing:
403 Forbidden: Leorio
The request contained valid data and was understood by the server, but the server is refusing action. (Wikipedia) The client does not have access rights to the content; that is, it is unauthorized, so the server is refusing to give the requested resource. Unlike 401 Unauthorized, the client's identity is known to the server... re-authenticating makes no difference. The access is tied to the application logic, such as insufficient rights to a resource. (Mozilla)
404 Not Found: Kurapika (We all know this)
The requested resource could not be found but may be available in the future. Subsequent requests by the client are permissible. (Wikipedia) A 404 status code only indicates that the resource is missing: not whether the absence is temporary or permanent. If a resource is permanently removed, use the 410 (Gone) status instead. (Mozilla)
405 Method Not Allowed: Gon (Though I think the name of the error can speak for itself)
The request method is known by the server but is not supported by the target resource. (Mozilla) A request method is not supported for the requested resource. (Wikipedia)
Further thoughts:
While it's possible that this can definitely be a stretch or a coincidence, it sure is an interesting way to look at it. And even if Togashi did not intend for these to connect, it makes me even more interested to continue reading HxH to see how long they'll connect until they're no longer applicable.
404 interests me because of "temporary unavailable" and "it may be available again in the future", so I wonder if that's applicable not only to Kurapika himself but to the Kurta Clan as well, considering we're entering the Dark Continent and I've already seen a theory on the Kurta Clan originating from the DC one way or another (reddit links)
Think of these as an allegory or metaphor
Mozilla page on HTTP Response Status Codes / Wikipedia page on HTTP Status Codes
#HxH#Hunter x Hunter#HxH Meta#Meta#It's sickening in a way where it makes a lot of sense and it makes me a little sad.#To the point where I don't want to explain the correlation and I'd rather have whoever is reading this make their own connections.#This is so sick and twisted.#While I can even argue about how 401 would 'make more sense for Leorio over 403'-#This post is about 'How their /given/ exam numbers can be tied to them' rather than 'what it ''should'' have been instead'#I hope this makes sense.#Also I am no expert in HTTP and programming or web development- so take what I say with a grain of salt.#I'm speaking in my singlet 'im not a fictive' voice to keep this post coherent... If I had my way I'd just say 'myself' the entire time.#Pikachika#New Talking tag.. Chika being a reference to Chika / Chika Chika (Filipino) Which means to chit-chat or engage in gossip.
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hell world. there's a house for sale in the neighborhood i grew up in and we went to the open house tonight and it is PERFECT AND LOVELY but WE CAN'T AFFORD IT.
#🔪.text#crying shaking throwing up et cetera#everything in that house is original#MY MOM //KNEW// THE PERSON WHO LIVED THERE#SHE IS VERY CLOSE FRIENDS WITH THE PERSON'S GRANDDAUGHTER#it has everything we need and aghhhhh#but it's 425k and that is VERY VERY out of our price range#but ohhhh man. if we could afford it................#it's so perfect#i also got an owl themed set consisting of a mug a salt and pepper shaker AND a little dinner bell#and also various owl trinkets that were within the mug#bc they were also selling the stuff in the house#we may or may not be revisiting it on saturday#and i may or may not buy the keys that were hanging on the wall#i didn't tonight bc i was like.... would it be weird to buy these keys.... it feels weird.....#but i fucking LOVE old keys#so i want them#there was also an old sewing machine i was tempted by#but i have no use let alone any space for an sewing machine#so i did not buy it#aghhh i'm gonna be thinking about this house for the rest of the night#it was seriously so gorgeous and so homely#like that was a HOME.#i would show the house but i don't want to doxx myself so alas.#and also the pictures really don't even do it justice#and the pictures aren't even bad#but they do not show just how homely the place is#like the vibe of that house was just.......... yeah......................
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Me, today: I will not get angry about people slandering Jesus. I will not lose my temper seeing yet another post throwing His character in the garbage as some politically woke or politically conservative people pleaser. I will not stab my hand with a fork when I see people poking fun at his friendships as homoerotic - *sees a post like that and slowly steps out of the internet*
No seriously. I am shaking the screen and BEGGING people to remember that even though Western Christian traditionalism has deep, *deep* wrongs, There Are Literal People Dying And Being Tortured Because Of Their Faith In Christ In The Modern World. And the way I see people making light of faith and outright mocking it or "dumbing it down" to appeal to their own moral worldview is sometimes kind of painful
#lemon duck quacks#i need a salt tag so people can block that....#I'll think of one later#anyway yeah....sometimes the things i see western folk doing to Christianity makes me sigh#what is it about humanity's need to make a mockery out of the things we disagree with?#I've caught myself doing it sometimes too and it's just sad#like I've seen people make mockery out of Eastern spirituality and religions or Islam or something#and it DOES make me mad#especially when I see adherents of those religions trying to placate people by going#'oh our worldview DOES actually support yours! we're friendly to your political stance :)'#when no. NO. you guys don't have to defend your worldview like that???#worldviews are called such because they're different and there WILL be times when moralities clash against each other!#DRAMATICALLY#and it's up to you to see if you can keep being friends/interacting with someone who has a drastically different moral standard than you#and if you can't there is no reason to try and make their religion/worldview fits yours or whatever#this is aimed at Christians too who try and force non-Christians to see things through their perspective btw#also just because you hate someone's viewpoint because it's objectively wrong to you doesn't mean you have to mock it or them#by all means try and deconstruct it if you want but stop making fun of it or pretending you know eeeeeverything about their worldview#sorry you guys i am VERY salty#maybe a tad bit angry but mostly salty#anyway you religious people who have studied your texts and persist in living it out even if it doesn't conform to the western world's#political worldviews (whether liberal or conservative in the us or uk or etc sense) have all my respect and 'hwaiting's#stars I'm so salty i could perseve my own meat with it
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it's hard to have a good day like, mentally and emotionally but a bad day physically.
it's REALLY hard to do that twice in a row but we're going to try.
#i'm not doing the bit this time sorry#the POTS has been POTSing all over the place and i had to take a shower#so what *wasn't* THAT bad before is now VERY BAD and i'm like...#i'm nauseous i don't want to eat anything i can feel the pain starting so i do need to eat SOMETHING so i can take meds#but the concept of both making AND eating food is daunting and also gross feeling simultaneously#my heart is just constantly pounding and i haven't had any caffeine yet today#so my concerns that it was the monster making my shower reactions worse is absolutely not the case#because i'm fucking sitting here shaking like i just survived a car crash all due to having#*checks notes*#woken up made my bed and taken a shower. that's IT. that is ALL i have done so far#and i am trembling and shaking and weak and nauseous like i'm in shock or something this is BULLSHIT#i think i'm hungry too is the other problme i don't know for sure due ot the aforementioned other factors#so i bet eating would help a lot here#god i hate this so much right now i'm so mad#i had to dream about my family and being ignored and there were WILD swings between feeling horrible and feeling like things were improving#and i wouldn't be shocked if the symptoms i was having in my dream were happening in real time in my actual body too#i hate htis i hate htis i hate this#water salt compression socks WHAT ABOUT WHEN THAT'S NOT ENOUGH HUH? WHAT THEN??? DO I JUST GOTTA LIVE LIKE THIS?????#*fuck* i'm so angry rn. and sad. i think i'm going to let myself cry and see what happens
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I just found out that a tilt table test isn't like, getting tilted back and forth for a while, you lay there for thirty minutes and then they tilt you upright REAL QUICK, im gonna fail that test so hard lmao
#at first I'm like hmmmm idk if I meet the criteria for orthostatic intolerance idkkk#and tested my HR a few times from laying/standing with a few minutes in between#but if it's THIRTY MINS at rest before they flip me?#I'm fucked lmao#the biggest increase from sitting to standing that I've seen in the last two days#was 24bpm#that's like...not the worst. it's outside the normal range but it's not BAD#it's not pre syncope levels of bad#but I've also deliberately increased my salt intake ever since the PT said POTS to me on Tuesday so#hmmmmm#sometimes I feel like my fucking around and finding out isn't very science based and k can't possibly accurately diagnose myself and then#this stuff happens...#I'm so fucking tired bro#I got so confused and frustrated about a really stupid and simple thing today that I just started crying#I've been crying a LOT in the last two weeks#BUT#only two more shifts and then I'm free from this job forEVER!!!#and I can focus on my health or lack thereof#I don't expect cures or even really effective treatments at this point I just want to know WHY#like WHAT is happening with my body bro#it's never worked particularly well or normal but the last time I felt physically healthy was early 2022#it's been almost TWO years since I felt healthy and I'm 25#and I feel like it's getting progressively worse. not by huge increments but enough#maybe that's just symptoms stacking? idk#maybe it's just extended fatigue without really feeling rested#I have no clue which is why I would loooove to know bro#sigh#little Victorian boy wasting disease
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idk what it is but I'm craving sweet potato fries with spicy yum yum sauce
#food#and by 'spicy yum yum sauce' I mean 'yum yum sauce I spice up myself with jalapeno salt'#because sometimes I just don't want things that spicy y'know?#sweet potato fries and yum yum sauce are a match made in heaven
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endeavoring convincing my parent to get me another spamt plushie considering they um Destroyed Mine and made myself desperately sad =-_-=
#i MISS HIMMM feels like pure shit just want him back.#i don't want to buy it myself i need closure. i need them to return what they wrought from me:(#ill buy the tarot decks again myself over time and keep them secret forever but the plushie man. salt in the freaking wound#i'll just keep complaining about this weekly . forever. give me my spamspouse back you pieces of sh#daisy.txt#life stuff
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Reminding my babaylan girlies here to change your salt bowl or salt cup in your room.
It already absorbed all your bad energies from thoughts and social media and is now saturated. If you're feeling like shit this october, maybe do that.
#don't know if this is a legit practice#but my sister once reminded me to always put salt on my window sills#but my lola would have rice and salt jars on her altars#and I recently learned that salt absorbs bad energies#which makes sense now#I just did it to fortify my intentions ya know what witchcraft and animism is y'all#the fundamental is intentions#you will if you believe kinda thing#it's still making me think that I care enough about myself still#and that I want negative energies to be out of me#so go change your salt bowls#now
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On the Other Side 💞
#things i constantly remind myself#in light of the recent b&c news i want to spread more laura content#not that i have anything against frances i really don't#but laura IS bonnie#and it's a shame and frankly wrong that she didn't get to do the west end concert#i still see people celebrating that she wasn't in it#and it makes me angry but more sad that people feel a need to stoop this low#yes the concert is coming out now but why can't we just be happy for jj and frances and just the fact that we're getting it#why do i also see people feeling almost giddy at putting salt in the wound of someone else's painful memories#come on guys we're better than this#anyways thanks for coming to my unrequested tedtalk#laura osnes#bonnie & clyde#b&c#bonnie & clyde west end#bonnie and clyde#bonnie and clyde musical#bonnie & clyde musical
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.
#argentina saw trump and went ''yeah we want one of those!''...#this absolutely insane man might become president and fully ruin the country (more than it already is)#which is never fun but even worse when you're queer...#today i'm glad i'm living with dysphoria every day but haven't started T#because as sad and absolutely awful as what i'm about to say is...#i can pretend to be a cis woman for safety...#which is a HORRIBLE thing to say or do#but i don't have to put myself out there trying to get hrt or anything like that#or legally change my name and gender mark while looking like i look... that might get me killed or something#bare in mind everything i'm saying A. hasn't happened yet#and B. is being said by someone with an anxiety disorder who can't see hope right now... so take it with a grain of salt#i'm just scared and i don't like the state of the world right now...#and we were somewhat safe in some aspects here and we're so close to losing them now#i'm scared and hate it here but i'm also broke and can't leave so...#we are where we are where we are i guess#angel talks#personal#sorry for the politics... i'm not going to start posting politics#the point of my blog is to escape the hell that is the real world... but i needed to vent and also you know me i love screaming at the void
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i need something far more extreme than buccal fat removal i want to get the sides of my head shaved and filed down i want to look like mr tom a. jerry after getting his head stuck in a flask or hit by a frying pan or something
#(squeezing the sides of my head until my lips pucker and i look like a fish) doctor if you dont make me look like this ill kill myself#just a little off the sides nothing crazy#maybe i just need to get some like face framing layers or start sleeping with books piled on my head at night i really dont like how#round my face and head gets especially after even a little salt#i don't want buccal fat removal thats an entirely different look than what i want i want my head fucking Pinched ><#i look like. leonardo decaprio. thats whats wrong with my head
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sometimes i just wake up mad at the world why is everything so exhausting all the time forever why is life so inherently lonely why can I never leave my bed except occasionally to do physics why do i not care about anything why do i only love fantasies of people who in actuality will probably forget about my existence if i stop reaching out first and begging for them to love me until they need me why is everything so much work for so little reward
#x am rambles#i do not have the energy for therapy today#i don't want to think about my feelings because that makes them real#and id honestly just rather not care about anything for a while#therapy is like salt in a wound i swear even when I'm moving on it won't fucking let me#it just keeps making me talk about shit i wouldn't even think about anymore otherwise#i hate therapy so much i don't want to do it i hate feeling broken and like a victim#like I'm fine??! i have been so fine for so long i don't need you to make me second guess everything#took me long enough to stop doing that myself#i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate that i don't have a choice here#liveblogging.pdf
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