#I haven't posted any writing in months and I am nervous

[chronosdawn]

Finally back with some writing and it's a little drabble inspired by this post which had me in chokehold as soon as I read it.

Zhongli x GN!Reader, Soulmate AU

Word count: ~1.5k

Liyue harbor was just as beautiful as your grandmother had always described, with its layers of orange and green-roofed buildings overlooking the shimmering blue water that lapped gently against the rocky foundations. You had no idea how your grandfather had ever talked her into leaving it all behind for the snow-covered wastes that made up most of the scenery around your tiny hometown in Snezhnaya. Even the mere memory of the bitter wind that used to sweep over the plains was enough to make you shudder despite the balmy temperature of Yujing Terrace, sheltered as it was by a mountain your grandmother claimed to have been raised by the Geo Archon himself.

Currently the space was bustling with locals and travelers alike, all anxiously counting down the seconds until this year’s Rite of Descension. The Yuheng of the Qixing, a young woman with long purple hair done up in twintails, was doing one final check over the large stone table laden with items that you couldn’t quite make out from your position towards the back of the crowd. While it might have been nice to have a better view for your first time attending the ceremony, unlike the business owners clustered around the front, the source of your income didn’t depend on the events of today so you were content to take a backseat to the proceedings. 

A hush fell over the crowd and you peered over the shoulder of the man in front of you to see that the Qixing member and the two attendants standing either side of her had ceased fussing over the layout of items on the table and were now stood with their hands folded in front of them. A moment of stillness before the spectacle that was to come. 

The Yuheng appeared to take a breath before raising her hand in some sort of sign as the air around the terrace began to crackle and spark with power. A set of precisely executed gestures had the energy surrounding the table start to coalesce, gathering into patterns and symbols that flickered in and out of existence too fast for you to make sense of them. The Yuheng turned, directing the energy towards the stone table where it then shot into the sky in a great beam of golden light. 

The heads of all present lifted skyward, watching as a mass of clouds formed around the beam, twisting in on themselves until they resembled a swirling vortex—a gateway to the heavens. 

Moments after, a speck of bronze appeared amid the churning whites and grays and a murmur of excitement ran through the crowd as the majestic serpentine body of Rex Lapis began to emerge. You felt as though the breath had been knocked from you—your grandmother had described the grandeur of the Geo Archon’s dragon-qilin form from the time she’d attended the rite as a youth, but no mere words could do justice to the subject of legend gracefully descending through the sky, sunlight catching on the golden fur at the tip of his tail. But despite the magnificence of the god, your eyes couldn’t help but catch on the long claws at the ends of his limbs and the sharp, jagged spines that ran along his back, a faint shudder running through you as you imagined what they could do if turned upon human flesh.

You looked away as you forced the images from your mind, wondering where they’d even come from in the first place. It was as you did so that you became aware of a tingling warmth spreading its way across your left forearm, right where your soulmate mark was hidden beneath your long sleeves. But if it was reacting like this then that meant—

A mixture of anxiety and excitement curled in your gut as you swept your gaze over the crowd, the fact you were in the presence of a god momentarily forgotten with the knowledge that your soulmate was somewhere here amongst these all these people.

But no matter how hard you searched through the sea of faces, all of them were still staring at the archon who’d just descended from the heavens with awe on their features. Okay, perhaps your soulmate was just caught up in the excitement of the rite. You just had to wait for them to notice and then they’d look through the crowd, as you were now, and your eyes would meet like in the stories your mother used to tell you as a child.

It was as you were running through how you were planning on introducing yourself when you became aware of someone’s gaze on you, the heavy weight of it urging you to duck behind the bodies in front of you. 

You didn’t however, instead steeling yourself as you turned your attention towards its source and met a pair of blazing amber eyes set in a decidedly inhuman face.

Why was Rex Lapis staring at you? Was he offended that you weren’t paying as much attention to the rite as everyone else? Or had he somehow been able to sense your connection with your soulmate flaring up?

It was then a crackle of lightning shot up your arm—all of the heat with none of the pain—and just like that you knew.

No. No, it couldn’t be, there was no way—

Yet no matter how much the logical part of you tried to deny it, the truth had just been burned into you and now sang through your veins. You were Rex Lapis’s soulmate. And judging from how intensely he was staring at you, he knew it too.

You couldn’t breathe, could barely think under the sudden weight of it all. Would he reveal the truth? Have you dragged out and paraded in front of all these people? What if someone had already noticed something?

Please, you silently begged the deity in front of you and anyone else who would listen, please don’t say anything.

After what felt like an eternity, the pressure on your shoulders vanished as the god turned his attention away from you and addressed the assembled crowd before launching into some financial forecast you were far too frazzled to pay any notice to. Sagging where you stood, you took deep gulping breaths as you scanned over the throng. Everyone’s focus was firmly on Rex Lapis and whatever divine wisdom he was currently dispensing—it didn’t look like anyone had noticed anything, thank the gods. Or rather god, you supposed, daring to glance at him once more. Whether he’d heard your pleas or chosen not to reveal anything to his own ends, you had no way of knowing.

The only thing you did know was that you had to get the hell out of this nation. Half the reason you’d left Snezhnaya in the first place had been to avoid becoming shackled to a god during the increasingly frequent Fatui recruitment drives, you certainly hadn’t come all the way to Liyue just to end up bound to a different one.

This was all wrong, your soulmate was supposed to be some merchant or moderately skilled adventurer—someone normal you could settle down and enjoy the simple pleasures with. No part of the plan you’d made for yourself when you came to the decision to leave your hometown featured being soulmates with a six thousand year old god. One the Seven at that, Celestia above. 

No this—it was too much. Far, far too much for someone like you to deal with.

While a part of you wanted to bolt right then and there, you forced yourself to stay until the end of the rite, certain that even if that ancient gaze was no longer bearing down on you, he’d notice the second you started to sneak away. You had no idea how the archon whose soul was bound to yours would react to you attempting to run for the hills right in front of him but you decided you didn’t particularly want to find out.

Time dragged on and on, the deep voice of Rex Lapis filling the air as sweat pooled in your palms and your heart tried viciously to beat its way out of your chest. Finally the rite came to a close and you watched warily as the massive scaled form of the Geo Archon rose back towards the sky without so much as a glance at you.

The second the golden fur of his tail vanished into the clouds, you turned and sped away from the offering table as quickly as your legs could carry you without breaking into a run. Perhaps, had you been a little less panicked, your legs would have carried you south towards your meager apartment to shove as many of your possessions you could fit into a bag before leaving for good. Right now, however, you didn’t want to stay here a moment longer than absolutely necessary so you took the path north instead, the quickest route away from the harbor. You had no idea how long you had before your soulmate might come calling and it wasn’t a gamble you were willing to take, not when you were already questioning the absurdity of attempting to run from a god. At least you had enough mora on you to cover the essentials until you reached the Stone Gate and could flee to Mondstadt—after that you could work things out from there.

Now deprived of the immediate presence of your soulmate, the marking hidden under your sleeve had begun to ache—an invisible hand tugging you back to where some divine tapestry felt you were meant to be.

You ignored it, dutifully forging onward without once looking back, completely unaware of the amber gaze watching you go.

[ahgasegotarmy116]

It's Hard to Believe | Jungkook One Shot

Summary: Getting pregnant with your best friend's baby definetly wasn't a part of the plan... Pairing: f!Reader x Jungkook (fwb, f2l) Word Count: 2.7k Warnings: A tiny bit of explicit and suggestive language but nothing crazy a/n: This is something I started writing at like midnight and it's kinda shit but I thought I might as well post it since I haven't posted in a while (Like five days short of a month wtf?!?!? How has it been that long?!?!) (I just barely checked rn lmao my bad 🥲) p.s. I kinda wanna do a full on series on a concept like this but it'll be different and less fluffy but that won't be happening for a long ass time but yeah lol Requested by a lovely anon 💜

"How am I supposed to tell him?" I ask my friend Sam for the millionth time since I found out. "Y/n just tell him. You guys have been friends for how long?" she asks and it's like I'm having deja vu from both of our responses. "Like ten years" I mumble and pull my sweatshirt sleeves down over my hands in an effort to stop my nervous fiddling but it only makes it worse. 

"Right and you guys have been messing around with each other for over a year now, maybe even more...I don't wanna know" she says while holding her hand up in a way to assure me that she doesn't need the details. "Just tell him. If he's as great of a guy as you keep on telling me he is then I promise everything will be okay" she says and places a hand on my shoulder before she gets up off my couch. 

"Where are you going?" I ask while she shrugs on her jacket. "Didn't you say he's supposed to be here around five?" she asks and I nod my head, checking the clock and seeing that it's already 4:30. 

"Yeah...are you sure you don't wanna stay and say hi?" I ask and she glares at me. "Let me know what his response is to that bun in the oven and then we'll talk. I wanna figure out if he's an asshole or not before I decide to waste anytime on him" she says while lacing up her shoes. 

"Promise me you'll tell him tonight?" she asks and lifts up her hood, getting ready to shield herself from the pouring rain outside. I nod my head reluctantly, that being way more progress than I've made for the past few weeks since I found out. "I promise" I utter under my breath and she smiles, pulling me in for a bone crushing hug. 

"Text me if you need me" she says, worried for what might happen but hoping for the best. "I will...thanks" I whisper and she nods her head before walking out of my door and turning slightly and waving to offer me one last farewell.

I close the door after I see her get into her car and lean my back up against it, steadying myself for a second and taking deep breaths, trying to stop my racing heartbeat before pushing off of it and tidying up before Jungkook gets here to distract myself. 

Sam has been the only one I've been able to count on and honestly the only person I can trust since I haven't told anyone else. She was the one I called when I missed my period and she's the one who brought me a pregnancy test...and then when out and bought me ten more because I couldn't actually grasp the concept that I was pregnant...am pregnant.

Jungkook and I have always been careful and taken all the necessary steps to keep this from happening but I guess we got careless this time. 

Through out this whole arrangement we've made it very clear to each other that we're not sleeping with anyone else but neither of us are looking for any sort of commitment either so that's why this has gone on for so long. 

Like it or not though we're going to be committed to each other in one way or another no matter what because I'm keeping this baby. No matter what he says I'm keeping them. 

Jungkook is my best friend, the one person who has been there for me through everything. He's seen me at all of my highest highs and especially at my lowest lows and no matter what he's never made me feel shitty about it. I know he's not the kind of guy that'll turn on you because of something like this but I can't help but still feel terrified. 

This wasn't supposed to happen but even if this child wasn't made with love from his side...it was made with love from mine. 

I don't know how long it's been since I fell in love with him but I know I shouldn't have said yes to this whole fuck buddy ordeal. I just couldn't stand the thought of him being with someone else so when he offered up the idea I said yes.

I figured that if this was a way to prevent him from getting his heart broken by all those sorry excuses of girlfriends he's had in the past then I guess I'll be okay with breaking mine.

He's been acting different lately though. He's been a lot touchier, asking to come over more often, going out of his way to help me with things, offering to feed me all the time and all of it is making me feel like he already knows. 

Does he know? Have I started showing already? I haven't really noticed a difference in my body yet but he looks at me naked a lot more often than I pay attention to myself naked so I mean I guess he could've noticed right? 

Only one way to find out though...

A half an hour later I hear him take out his keys and unlock my door and soon I'm greeted with a smile that tugs at my heartstrings. 

"Hi baby" he says, using that pet name he's become very fond of since this whole ordeal started. The sound of it after finding out I'm pregnant with his baby has made me a little uncomfortable though since I haven't told him yet. 

Don't get me wrong I love it when he calls me that but I can't help but think that if this goes south that he won't ever call me that again. 

Maybe the hormones have started to scramble my brain already because those uncomfortable feelings are quickly thrown away when I take in the sight of him after he shrugs off his rain coat. A simple black baggy hoodie and jeans engulf his form and the comfy sight just makes me want to curl up in bed with him and forget about everything and everyone.

Just him and I, it's always been him and I. I just don't know if this little one is going to change things. 

I place a hand on my stomach for a second as a way to gain some strength from my itty bitty baby before finally working up the courage to greet him.

"Hi" I greet him softly, walking over to where he's stopped to take off his shoes and when he looks back up at me he smiles again and kisses me. I sigh into it, savoring it for just a little bit longer and when it finally breaks he looks down at me with concern now written all over his face. 

"Are you okay?" he asks, sensing that something's off right away from the just the small change in the way I kissed him. I hesitate for a second then simply hold out my hand for him to take and he does, following behind me as I lead him over to my couch. 

Getting this over with sooner rather than later is my best option right now so there's no reason to delay. 

He needs to know, he deserves to know.

We sit there in silence, longer than he would like us to since I can tell how tense his body has gotten in a matter of minutes. "Y/n you're scaring me" he whispers, not wanting to pressure me but relaying his feelings. 

I take a couple more deep breaths before finally starting. "I need you to listen to me and I need you to please not speak until I'm finished" I say while looking down at my lap, not being able to meet his eyes. 

He murmurs a soft 'okay' and waits for me to continue, taking one of my hands and placing it in his lap. He needs some form of physical contact to keep him grounded since he's not too sure what to expect and I let him, knowing I need some reassurance too. 

Even if I don't know what his reaction is gonna be, in this moment I need it more than ever.

"I guess there's really no right way to go about saying this because this wasn't supposed to happen so I'm just gonna come out and say it..." I start off and he squeezes my hand, encouraging me to keep going. 

"I missed my period...over a month ago...and I haven't had it since then" I say and finally look up at him where he has an unsure expression. It's not one that's mad or disappointed with what I've said thus far which is a good thing but more like he's trying hard to hold himself back so he can keep that promise. 

His hold on my hand hasn't loosened, in fact it's gotten even tighter and that gives me hope that we'll work this out so I take another deep breath before continuing. 

"I tried to kid myself into thinking that it was late but when another week passed by I got nervous. I asked Sam to get me a test and it came out positive. I didn't believe it and thought it was a false positive and so to ease my mind she went a bought ten more from a bunch of different brands and...all of them came out positive" I say and he still looks at me with that same expression, waiting for me to give him the okay to speak and so I do. 

"How long have you known?" are the first words out of his mouth and although they're not negative they aren't necessarily positive either. "About a month now" I say and he nods his head, taking another second or two to formulate what he's gonna say next. 

"I'll support you no matter what you decide" he says and I let out a breath I didn't even know I had been holding in. "I wanna keep it" I say and he nods his head and smiles softly at first and then as the seconds go by it gets wider and wider making my heart beat faster. 

"Am I allowed to get excited now?" he whispers and I can't help but chuckle as tears start to prickle my eyes and give him a nod. "You're excited?" I say, my whole being slowly overcome with emotion. 

"How could I not be?" he scoffs playfully but that answer has me confused. "But Jungkook we're not together. I mean we're not in a relationship, we're just friends" I explain and there's a playful glint in his eyes after I say that that's making me even more nervous.

"You wanna know what I thought you were gonna tell me?" he offers up, slightly changing topics but I look at him in a way to urge him to continue. "I thought you were gonna break up with me" he says and I smile, "Jungkook we're not together. How could I break up with you?" I chuckle in disbelief. 

"Correction, I thought you were gonna break up with me before I even got the chance to ask you to be my girlfriend" he says with a grin and my jaw drops, the dots all connecting as to why he's been acting so different lately. "You were gonna ask me to be your girlfriend?" I utter quietly as if we were in a crowed room and I had a secret for just the two of us.

"I had actually planned on asking you tonight" he explains, walking over to where he had placed his backpack on the floor, taking out a bouquet of slightly squished flowers. "Sorry they're all beat up. I forgot and rode my bike over here so I didn't really have any other option but to put them in there" he says almost as if he was nervous, rubbing the back of his neck and it's then that I notice how pink his ears have gotten. 

He is nervous

I take them from him and smile, waiting for him to say it but he simply stands there and admires me and I can't help but laugh. "What so funny? I told you what happened to them" he utters through pouty lips which only makes me laugh more. "No, no it's not the flowers it's just that...don't you have something to say?" I ask, calming down my chuckles and when he looks at me with the same confused expression I have to try my hardest to keep the laughter at bay. 

"Do you have something you would like to ask me Jungkook" I rephrase it and after a second his lips go from a pout to the shape of an 'O' as he's figured it out. "Oh um, yeah, right. Well I um" he starts off, rubbing the back of his neck again while stuttering and trying to find the words and after struggling for a second I decide to poke fun at him again. 

"Jungkook I am literally carrying your child and you're too afraid to ask me to be your girlfriend?" I laugh, giving him a slight reality check which he scoffs at before responding. 

"I was trying to remember what I had rehearsed to say to you but now that you're being a little brat I guess you'll never get to know all the nice things I was gonna say" he retorts, his voice suddenly taking on a darker tone that sends a shiver through my body and he smirks when he sees my reaction to it. 

He cups my face and rubs his thumb along my bottom lip, making them part and he leans in as if he was going to kiss me but stops just shy of my lips. "Will you be my girlfriend?" he whispers, nudging his nose against mine and making me smile. 

"I'll have to think about that" I play coy with him which he chuckles at. "You know if you weren't pregnant right now I would have thrown you over my lap for that smart mouth" he warns and I smile before leaning in and kissing him for just a second before pulling back. 

"Yes I'll be your girlfriend" I say and nudge my nose against his as well and before I can register it my back is on the couch and his lips are pressed against mine, the kiss not rushed but full of so many words that have yet to be said and he gives in, not being able to hold it in anymore.

"I love you" he says, pulling back and looking down at me to see my expression which is completely dumbfounded to say the least. "You what?" I ask and he chuckles, "Is it really that hard to believe?" he points out and I guess now that I think about it it really isn't.

"I guess we've both been in love with each other for a while now huh?" I smile and his eyes light up at my round about confession. "Say it" he says, and I can feel my cheeks heating up. I hadn't planned on actually saying those three words to him even though I've felt them for so long but I don't want to hold them back anymore. 

"I love you" I whisper and he smiles, "Say it again" he repeats, clearly not believing it just yet. "I love you Jungkook" I say and the little switch up with attaching his name to the end darkens his gaze. "I guess there's no chance in me getting you pregnant a second time right now huh?" he asks, sliding his hand up my thigh and I giggle. 

"No I think that's pretty much impossible but the odds are never zero" I say and he rolls his eyes. "I'm trying to tell you that I wanna hit it raw" he states the obvious while rolling his eyes. "I know I know...and the answer is yes Daddy" I tease, testing to see how that word affects him now that he knows.

He tongues his cheek at that making me bite my lip, knowing that's gonna be even more of a trigger word for him from now on. "Daddy huh? Well I guess that title is a little more fitting now isn't it?" 

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[asvtrials]

Hate that I want you

Hate that i want you      masterlist

part one      next part idea: @floydsfae tags: @ilovejeansosomuch. @spikedfearn (inspired by) summary: Parting ways with a friend group was always hard, somehow trying to rejoin that group was even harder. Especially when a particular quick-tempered someone is rather bitter about your choices. warnings/tags: lots of swearing. friends to enemies to lovers. Bjorn is a bitter and jealous shit. angst a/n: I'm not very familiar with the Alien franchise so forgive me if there are any inaccuracies. This is my first Tumblr post and I'm not used to writing in the second-person narrative so sadly this is not my best work but I still hope you like it. English is not my first language so please be nice. word count: 2394

“Fuck no.” That was your only answer before you covered yourself with your blanket and sank even deeper into your messy bed.

“Come on, Y/n!.” The muffled voice of your friend, Kay reached your ears under the blanket before she started to pull it away from you.

“Leave me alone.” You whined while trying to hold onto the covers until eventually Kay gave up

She sighed and sat next to you on the bed. “This is gonna be good for us.” She tried to reason. “You think that idiot was your way out? This is the way out.! She shook you a bit under the covers to make sure you were actually listening.

You rolled over, unsure if she actually believed in this nonsense or was that desperate to leave Jackson’s Star. You wouldn’t blame her if she was.

You stared at her for a long moment, brows furrowed. “Who had this idea in the first place?” You asked, surprised that anyone would think this would work.

“Tyler and Navarro. They said they pick-”

“Tyler and Navarro? Damn, they are really getting desperate.” You cut her off with a scoff.

“So, are you,” Kay added.

You couldn’t deny it.

You were tired. Tired of living the same day over and over again. Wake up at 6 am to the same darkness that followed you the entire day, get ready by 6:30 am, and begin your walk to the bus station to take the overcrowded bus that drove all of the workers to the mines.

Thankfully you were able to be transferred to the kitchen, away from the cramped caves. And as sad as it sounded, that was the only good thing that happened to you in a while.

You didn’t know if it was that or the resentful feeling of your fresh breakup but you let Kay pull you out of your bed and push you into the shower. You just knew you wanted to change this overwhelming routine of the past two months.

As soon as you got dressed, the girl led you through the busy, dimply-lit streets and toward an alleyway where the rest of the crew would wait for you.

You didn't know how to feel about this reunion. You haven't really seen them in a while, spending most of your time with your now ex-boyfriend. You were surprised they even included you in this ‘mission’. You figured it was probably Kay and Tyler, possibly Navarro too.

You turned around and were greeted by the figures of your old friends, Tyler and Bjorn.

When they met your nervous stare, you noticed Tyler’s expression mirrored yours even if it was for a split second. He quickly concealed his uncertainty with a smile that reached his eyes.

“Hey, Y/n. How have you been?” Tyler chuckled and pulled you into a hug, startling you a bit but soon enough you returned the affection

“Fine, I guess—” You began but before you could continue a different voice echoed in the empty alleyway, accent thick and tone dripping with accusation.

“We weren’t sure if you'd bless us with your ladyship.”

Of course, it was no other than Bjorn who would make a comment like this. He earned a glare from Tyler but he just shrugged s as if he was just making conversation.

An annoyed smile tugged at your lips as you spoke “Seems like you didn't change. Like at all.”

Bjorn ignored your comment and turned to Kay. “If she's all caught up, we should go.”

You raised your eyebrow at the way he brushed you off but you decided to let it go. “What about Navarro, Rain, and Andy?” You asked.

“Navarro’s fixing some other parts of the ship and Rain is—” Tyler paused for a moment, sending a glance at his half-sister. You followed his eyes but Kay just smiled at you “Busy with her job,” Tyler ended up saying.

“Is Rain all right?” You asked, chuckling a bit at their failed attempt to cover the truth.

“You’d know if you weren’t too busy snogging your boyfriend every chance you got,” Bjorn remarked with a smug smirk. You could feel your blood boiling at the mention of your ex.

“Bjorn! We talked about this.” Tyler warned the boy but he just scoffed.

“What? She was gone for two months and now acts all worried! That’s a load of bollocks!” He argued, gesturing towards you with a huff.

“Oh, fuck off, Bjorn!” You raised your voice over Tyler who was about to cuss his cousin out. This was already hard enough but having Bjorn act like a massive asshole wasn’t something you were going to sit through.

You did abandon them. You were a bitch, and a bad friend, and whatever this asshat wanted to call you but you didn’t need to hear it, especially from Bjorn out of all people.

You just wanted to have a better life, at least as good as it could get in this shitty colony. A future to look forward to and Noa made it look possible. He had ambition and connections and could easily get a better job than most of the Jackson Star residents. At the time you were stupid enough to believe that he wouldn’t drop you. Yet, as soon as he bagged a job in the ‘Office of Colony Affairs’ he dumped you because, in his words, you had ‘different life goals.’

Fuck. And fuck him, and Bjorn and whoever dared to call you a whore or an opportunist. All of you had the same life goals, get the fuck out of here. That’s why you were here. As crazy as this plan sounded, at least you would be doing something to get away from this place.

“I’m not going to apologize for wanting something better for myself!” You snapped.

Bjorn ran his tongue over his teeth, letting out a low chuckle to hide his irritation “So you dropped everyone to get that.” He stated before he met your eyes once more. You didn’t know what you saw in his gaze but it wasn’t simply anger.

“I didn’t drop any of you!” You began, throwing your hands in frustration. “I kept in touch with Kay and Navarro. I asked about all of you! If you weren’t such a dick you’d realize that you made it difficult to talk to you!”

Bjorn remained quiet as if he was trying to come up with a comeback. He tore his gaze away from you when he turned around and mumbled “Whatever.”

“We should really get going now,” Kay spoke nervously, more to Tyler than anyone else.

“Yeah, let’s go.” Tyler agreed noticeably glad that the fight would come to an end, for now at least.

You sent Bjorn one last glare before following Kay and Tyler, but he didn't look all that affected.

The walk to the abandoned warehouse was rather long. A couple of years ago it was busy with workers and clients, mostly to buy components for mining haulers and gear. But right now it was collecting dust and vines so it was the perfect place to get some forgotten parts and tools.

Tyler helped Kay jump over the tall fence while you and Bjorn were already on the other side. You smiled at the sweet moment between the siblings trying to ignore the panging feeling in your chest.

You tried to ignore the intense need you had to glance at the boy next to you but you couldn’t help it. His gaze was fixated on the tall building, holding the cigarette between his fingers. You tried to push away the bitter feeling that cursed through you.

It wasn’t that long ago that he helped you the same way, finding any excuse to feel your skin under his fingertips.

But that was just a childish game you two developed. Flirting jokingly, touching a bit more than necessary to see the other’s cheeks redden and hear your friends groan in disgust. Both of you comfortably balanced on the rope between friendly banter and romantic curiosity.

When both Kay and Tyler landed on the other side of the fence, you began walking toward the building.

You stepped inside and an aerie breeze hit you, from the way Kay started to rub her shoulders you guessed the rest felt the same.

“Bloody hell…” Bjorn mumbled as he walked to the front desk which was covered in dust and some dead bugs.

“Yeah, that’s nasty.” Kay agreed, keeping close to you and Tyler.

“I’ll go check the first floor, someone should check the second,” Tyler announced the plan, staring at the sketch of the parts Novarro drew him.

The group was surrounded by silence, the four of you looking at each other awkwardly until Kay decided to make it easier for all of you. “I can go with Bjorn.” She said cheerily trying to ignore the tension.

“Good, Y/n we’ll go together” Tyler nodded toward you and started walking up the stairs.

Bjorn's loud voice stopped both of you in your tracks. Bjorn tried to sound uninterested even amused as he spoke “I see, you act all tough yet can’t even spend five minutes alone with me. Scared I’ll hurt your feelings, innit?” The way those last words fell out of his lips in such a pitying manner really struck a nerve.

You knew what he was doing. He was baiting you. You saw him do it to everyone, although you weren’t sure if Andy even could understand that he did it just to annoy him.

Still, you weren’t one to give him the satisfaction. You let out a dry chuckle as you rolled your eyes. “Bjorn and I are going to check the second floor” You declared, not bothering to turn around.

“I can go with Y/n?” Kay tried to intervene but neither you nor Bjorn listened as you walked up the stairs.

“Remember, in and out! Be quick.” You heard Tyler’s voice bounce off the walls as you continue your path to the second floor, Bjorn hot in your trail.

You entered a room as soon as you reached the second floor. By the numerous boxes and shelves filled with dirty items, this was clearly one of the storage rooms

“You search the right side, I'll search the left side,” You said when you noticed Bjorn still walking behind you.

“Don’t tell me what to do” He quickly retorted.

You let out an exasperated sigh and walked to the right side instead, ignoring his snarkiness.

Neither of you talked for a long while, putting equipment that seemed useful in your bags or simply looking through the dusty machinery.

Bjorn was the first to break the uncomfortable silence “So how are things with your boyfriend.” You didn’t miss the way his tone changed to a mocking one at the word ‘boyfriend’ but you chose to ignore it.

You stayed quiet for a moment, not sure if you wanted to answer. “We don’t have to talk.”

“Come on, I’m trying to be nice.” He spoke over the loud noise of his hand rummaging through some drawers and you could practically hear his smirk.

A groan managed to slip past your lips before you said “We broke up.”

You heard Bjorn’s movements come to a halt momentarily followed by a breathy laugh. “Can’t say I'm surprised you dumped that twat.”

You remained silent once again only saying a drawn-out “Yeah”

“Wait a fucking minute.” Bjorn laughed, walking closer to you, a smug smirk spreading on his face “He dumped you!”

The amusement in his voice made your anger flare up once again causing your face to contort in irritation but you tried to ignore it and just get the job done, practically slamming the drawer shut.

“Why did he dump you? Did he find someone that matched his status? He did get promoted to a whole-ass desk job” He snorted.

You tried to be calm, you really did but all of it was so recent “Can you just shut the fuck up for once in your life?” You exploded, making his eyes leave the shelves and focus on you. “Is it really so funny that I was dumped?”

Bjorn stared at you for a long moment, before turning to continue searching. Obviously not without a sarcastic comment. “It’s funny that he dumped you but sorry, didn’t know you were so in love.”

You closed your eyes and exhaled through your nose to try and keep your cool. “As if you know what love is?” You tried to keep your voice from shaking with anger.

Bjorn met your scowl once again but to your surprise, his expression didn’t match yours. Unlike yours, his eyes didn’t hold any rage but something that made you unable to look away as he moved closer to you, looming above you.

“I know you two weren’t.” The low tone in his voice had you breathless for a moment.

Does it even matter if you loved Noa? Falling in love was never the point.

“You don’t know anything” You spat out, your voice as intense.

He raised his eyebrow at your words, staring down into your eyes “Really?” He dragged out the word. “You were in love with that asshat? You really want me to believe that?”

“I don’t care what you believe, that’s none of your fucking business.” You bit back, taking a step closer. You wanted to remain unbothered by how the corner plush lips tugged up but the warmth that spread through your cheeks was impossible to ignore.

“You’re not answering my question.” The almost gentleness in his voice quickly disappeared as he laughed, his breath hitting your face. His fingers slowly reached up to flick a strand of your hair mockingly.

You were about to slap away his hand when you heard Kay’s voice from the corridor.

“Guys, where are you?” She shouted.

“Uh—we’re here Kay” You yelled back, stepping back from Bjorn. You really didn’t notice how close you two were standing.

Soon enough Kay’s figure appeared in the doorframe.

“Glad to see you didn’t kill each other” She joked. “We found the thing Navarro needed, we can go.” She announced.

You hated how your eyes met Bjorn’s even if it was for a second, and you hated the feeling that erupted in your stomach even more.

[nyarlathotep-thecrawlingchaos]

Update 27 Nov 23

Ko-Fi thing

You can call me Nyarla, I guess.

Or "Yo She-Bitch." Either's cool.

Soooo I figured I might need to make one of those MASTERLIST things because I cannot stop writing (which is the most amazing feeling ever when I've been in a writer's block for months).

It's just One Piece Live Action right now, but as my confidence increases I might post some of my other fandom work.

I'm Open for Requests for OPLA fics and headcanon. Primarily Character X FemaleReader, but I'm flexible.

I do reserve the right to not write every single request that is asked, since I am human and my abilities do have limitations, but I swear I will try.

I'm not squeamish about much of anything, so don't refrain. I'll always post any necessary ⚠️Trigger Warnings⚠️ right here with the links.

I'm always open to requests for Shanks, Mihawk, Zoro, and Sanji. Possibly also Buggy, Luffy, Usopp, Koby, and Helmeppo, but I haven't written them much, so please bear with me if it takes me a bit to respond.

Honestly please bear with me if it takes me a while to respond to Asks/Requests in general because I get really nervous about getting them perfect.

Some things about the weirdo that's writing this shit can be found here

Masterlist

The Lovely Alphabet (NSFW)

Sanji

Zoro

Shanks

Mihawk

Dialog I Presently Have No Use For

(But might eventually) (basically mini dialogue-centric fics that may make there way into something else later or might not)

01 Get Out

02 Can We Keep Her?

03 What Happens in Loguetown

04 Coffins and Coping Mechanisms

05 Kitty

06 Send Help

07 Pep Talk

08 Death Wish

09 Oh No Not Again

10 Shanty Time!

11 No Sleep

12 The Throngler™

The Best Boys

First Kiss

Material Boys (NSFW)

I Don't Even Know Music Or Something?

Ooooh...Kinky ;D (NSFW)

In the Kitchen

HAMMERED

Because I Got High

Whoops

Short Stuff

Hobbies

ABCs of Kink (NSFW)

D is for Dominance (First Kiss sequal)

P is for Public Blacksmith's Daughter Part 1 . . . Part 2 . . . Part 3

Mihawk

Your Scars Are Mine (NSFW)

(Trigger Warnings for Self-Harm, Blood, Implied PTSD)

Ch. 1 . . . Ch. 2 . . . Ch. 3

Ten Years (unofficial sequel to YSAM) (NSFW)

Mood Swings (mostly SFW headcanons)

Hearing Problems (NSFW eventually)

Guess this is important

All OC Face Claims and Character Sheet Links

Ch.1 . . . Ch. 2 . . . Ch. 3 . . . Ch. 4 . . . Ch. 5 . . . Ch. 6 . . . Ch. 7

Sanji

Late Night Chats

X plus-sizeReader Headcanons (NSFW)

Tongue Ring headcanons

Zoro

Strawhat Stowaway Ch. 1 . . . Ch. 2

Shanks

Redhead suppremacy (sfw headcanons)

!!COMIMG SOON!!

(...I hope)

(Some titles subject to change)

Tongue Ring (F is for Food Play)

Blacksmith's Daughter part 2 (P is for Public, ABC's of Kink)

O is for O Denial

B is for Brat Tamer

[k-s-morgan]

Hey, saw that you haven't posted in a while. How's your heart health, are you doing any better? Wishing you the best and a full recovery ❤️.

@internalanguish: Are you doing ok? I’m a little worried

@themoonfoundmyfantasy: Hey, how are you? x

Anonymous ask 1: Just sending some love ❤️❤️❤️

Anonymous ask 2: How are you Katrin??? Did the russians gave you and u people some little peace at least for a day ? I am really worried about you 🥺

-----

Hey! Thank you all for checking in <3 Logging in and seeing such level of support never fails to make me feel so incredibly good and warm. I really, really appreciate it!

Starting with the fic-related news: the new chapter of ATLWETD is finished! Now the editing stage begins.

Second anon, ah, Russians didn't leave us alone last week, but this week was better, at least for my city! Unfortunately, it seems like they finally started producing the Iranian drones at their own plants, so the amount they use to attack us daily is insane now. It was never this bad before. In the 12 days of October, Russia already used 563 drones to bomb our cities. Before, it could use this number throughout the whole month.

These sick monsters aside, this week turned out to be rather exciting for me! At first in the bad way: I got very sick on Tuesday. It was some stomach bug, I think, because I kept vomiting and absolutely nothing helped. The last time I felt so bad - or ever - was when I first got COVID. The fever started later, in the evening, but starting with next day, I felt absolutely fine. Weak, but that's it. So I'm not sure what this was.

And then I got a very interesting temporary writing job offer from a government official. I'm a little nervous because it's not something I ever worked on before, and the pressure is intense, but I hope to get it done! Who knows, it might open some great opportunities for me in the future.

Thank you all again for your care and patience <3

[simdertalia]

a little update

If anyone has noticed that I haven't posted as many huge sets this month, there has been some things going on at home.

This past week I have been taking care of my partner. They are having a bit of an emergency issue that came up and have a procedure at the hospital. Since they are feeling quite bad, I am needed to be attentive and need to go out and get things, I am not able to work on CC items the entire day like usual. I've been at their side, making food, laundering some items, and cleaning up, just making sure they have everything they need. I will be back to the usual when they are feeling better, hopefully in a few days from now. Like usual I have tons of stuff in my WIP folder.

Any well-wishes and good vibes are certainly welcome, I've been a worried nervous wreck 💗💗💗 And I hope all of you are healthy and well.

----------Update September 10th-------------

This is unfortunately, & worryingly, taking much longer than "a few days". My partner has been through all kinds of uncomfortable tests, a hospital procedure, and we are now waiting to see a different specialist (I'm trying not to write too much so as to respect their privacy).

It has also started affecting me as I myself have chronic pain and illness that worsens with stress. But I am still doing the best I can to take care of them (while also trying to work from home and also work on CC), and when I've been feeling bad they take care of me too.

I hope you all are doing well, and are healthy! 💗💗💗

[onigiriforears]

After approx. 2-3 months of studying Japanese I started to read free graded readers online and then graduated to a collection of short stories that I purchased off of Amazon. I thought that the reason I was starting to have trouble understanding sentences was because I didn't know enough vocabulary but it was because I neglected grammar completely. It was sorta drilled into my head off of Youtube creators to just study kanji, vocab and simple sentences as much as possible before even touching grammar. I feel absolutely lost, dude. I am at the 5 month mark now. I can "breeze through" kanji for the most part. (as in, I can actually retain it in a decent amount of time) I decided to study grammar about a week ago. It is SO FREAKING HARD. I don't know if there's something wrong with me or what. I don't know if it's supposed to feel like what I thought I knew is being ripped apart at the seams, stapled together, and then torn apart again....but it does.

Do you have any tips for learning grammar? Is this feeling normal? Can you tell me when the pressure in my skull will subside? I am using Bunpro's free trial but I'm unsure if this tool will actually help me. I write tons of notes to flip through but I still fail to give them the nuanced answer they're looking for. I really enjoy the setup of Bunpro and I want to like it since it's similar to WK but I'm not sure if I'm going too fast or there's a better way to learn. I stopped learning 5 new grammar points a day and started doing only 2. (I also have Genki I and watch GameGengo. He explains things in a way that's easy for my brain to understand.) Sorry for the long post but any insight would be appreciated. I'm a bit nervous asking people in the language learning community for help or insight because a lot of them treat it as a way to show how fast they learned/1-up others. Tumblr's langlearn community is a lot different with what I've seen (or maybe I'm just following the right ppl lol)

Hi! Thank you so much for waiting for this response--I'm sorry it took so long. Your message was one of the ones that popped up when they locked my ask box (they actually still haven't answered me on why it was locked so 🤷‍��️). To make up for that, I'm gonna be longwinded because I think that this is a super valid and important question that others may also want to know the answer to!!

Pls pls PLEASE DM me if none of this is helpful or if you'd like to talk more about what you think you need help with!!

I think that sometimes when we're learning a new language that we know is so overwhelmingly different from our own language, we focus on the things that we think will be the main hinderance and sometimes we forget the key points. You might be thinking "how did I forget grammar?" but I would say don't beat yourself up about it! Many of us focus on the things that we think are our problems(--the last time I studied for the JLPT, I focused on my weak point too much and then was frustrated with myself during the exam bc I neglected the other areas.)

I don't want to lie to you and say that learning grammar will is going to get easier because that's not the case for everyone. Think of learning grammar vs everything else as learning different types of math or science--have you ever had a friend that was absolutely phenomenal at algebra or calculus but couldn't do geometry? Or a friend that was wonderful lab partner in chemistry but struggled in biology? They're struggling in biology because it requires a ton of rote memorization in comparison to practical application and math that's present in chemistry and rote memorization may not necessarily be their strong point. Personally, I think that's also why a lot of us struggle with certain grammar points. There are some that just click with us immediately and then there are others that we have to see over and over and over and over and over--you get the point--just for us to find a single sentence with it that we understand. If you're math oriented, we need to figure out a way to no longer make grammar points rote memorization for you, but to turn it into a formula of some sort. I actually write my notes out in ways that are like that--I use plus signs (+) in my notes not because the textbooks use them but because my brain genuinely reads it as "noun + particle + grammar point = a sentence that makes sense" because, for me, formulas don't fail. Your weak point doesn't have to be your weakness--you can turn the weakness into a strength that works just for you.

I've been going at this for years and every single professor or Japanese friend (or even people from the discord server) I have can tell you that I've struggled with pretty much any grammar point that included ~ように--and it wasn't because I wasn't trying, but because I couldn't find myself using any sentences that with those grammar points because I found the alternatives/similar ones to make more sense. Surprisingly, it wasn't until I was reading 夜カフェ for our book club that I was actually able to start grasping the meaning (ngl, I still haven't used it myself--I'm notorious for using alternatives); I was finally witnessing it being used in a way that made sense in my brain.

The frustration you're feeling when you encounter a new grammar point or overload yourself with too many things in one go is completely normal and I promise that a ton of us in the Japanese langblr community have definitely experienced it too! It probably feels like everything you know is being ripped apart because your native language may have a SVO (subject-verb-object) format while Japanese has a SOV (subject-object-verb) format--your 1-to-1 translations for your notes may not be helpful in the beginning because you're still trying to wrap your brain around the fact that your words still need to go in another order than you're used to. And then you add the new grammar points and concepts on top of that (like particles and other things) and it can become overwhelming and frustrating. Sometimes, you're going to find some grammar points just downright annoying--especially when you find that there's no equivalency to it in your own language. But don't give up!

I know this is a super cliché thing to say, but practicing them will help. If you can, I would make note of the grammar points that you're struggling with, try to make sentences with them, and ask somebody to check them and explain exactly why (or why not) they're working and then ask them for examples because they may have an even better way of explaining it to you than what you've come up with for yourself!

I can look back at old notes and see when I wrote a sentence as an example just because a textbook/professor used it but I didn't actually understand why it worked at the time and then I can also find notes where the sentences written as examples were added once I finally found something that clicked for me.

You've already done yourself a favor by learning a lot of vocab, kana, and kanji because now you'll be able to try out an array of ways to pick up grammar instead of just a textbook. (I will make a note that if you're looking to take the JLPT, I would recommend having a list of grammar points that you would need to know for the level that you're planning on sitting for because there's no guarantee of what will or won't pop up on the test.)

Another important thing while you're practicing: be comfortable with making mistakes. We all make them, but when you're learning a new language it's important to be ready to make mistakes and to welcome them with open arms because it gives you a chance to experience and learn in real time.

ALSO: for you specifically--because you're interested in reading, you might enjoy learning grammar through tracking the different grammar points through what you're reading and using the sentences as your examples because they're all going to be cohesive. And if reading books or other things totally turn you off right now, maybe games? Animal Crossing and Pokemon are very nice games to play in Japanese for people that are just starting out! You may also enjoy using Lingo Legend--it's an JRPG language learning app that I beta tested and I think that it's a nice way to review (it has some fun incentives). I'm not a big gamer, so I struggle with learning through games, but I've been picking up a lot of grammar through reading because I focus on finding things that I'm interested in, rather than things that are "at my level." When I start a manga, I will scour a ton of websites and forums and bug a ton of people when I come across a grammar point that I can't wrap my brain around because I want to be able to understand what's going on.

We have book clubs and gamers in my discord server, as well as places for people to post what they're practicing or to ask for help. We have people of all varying levels and different skillsets that love to share their wisdom with others.

I haven't used Bunpro, but I know that @sammilearns has, so she may be able to weigh in on that! And @tokidokitokyo @nihongoseito @chouhatsumimi @kanpeki-bekki @burgeoning-ambition probably also have even more tips that me--I'm trying to tag people that I know we all learn in different ways, so their tips and tricks might be just what you need!

Please weigh in, fellow langblr members! How have you been learning grammar? Are you game-ifying it? Have you turned it into math equations? Have you managed to tie it in with your special interest? I can't wait to see what people add to this post!

[disasterbuck]

Hi!!! Ooooh There is so much to choose 🤪🥰💕❓️💻💖🤝🤖🌎🥵

omg just go ahead and make me write everything lol (affectionate) I couldn't keep myself to strictly 3 sentences for all of these, so they vary a bit 🥰

🤪 - clumsy

first time in MONTHS I've written anything for this wip 🥰

This lasted for approximately five minutes before the bell went off and he found himself piling into the truck next to Eddie. He'd tried to slip into another seat, but Chimney had gotten there first and shot him a curious glance. After that, Buck had resigned himself to his fate and sat down beside the love and torturer of his life.

🥰 - confession / surprise date

this one ran away with me a little, how exciting!!

Eddie's lips parted in surprise as Buck began ladling the stew into their bowls. Buck was nervous, accidentally moving a bit too quick and splashing some sauce out of the bowl onto Eddie's shirt.

"Shit! Sorry," he said, moving the dish back to the island bench and taking a step to go and fetch a wash cloth.

Before he could get far, Eddie grabbed his arm and gently reeled him in until he was standing right beside Eddie's chair, looking down at him.

"Relax," Eddie said softly.

"I just want it to be perfect," Buck said. "But now I've already gotten food on you and we haven't even eaten anything yet and–"

Pushing his chair back to stand up, Eddie silenced him with a kiss.

💕 - first kiss

Eddie wasn't sure what to say to that. The truth was he was scared, but he knew he needed to face this no matter what. If Buck had picked up on enough to think they were dancing around each other, that had to mean something.

❓ - is this a date?

It turned out that there was only one table left, which Buck accepted eagerly.

"Alright, up you get," Buck said once the booking was finalised and he'd hung up the phone. "There was only one slot left and it's for 6:45, so we've gotta hustle."

Eddie let out an exaggerated groan as he got to his feet.

💻 - eddie's online friend

this is a goldmine that I completely forgot about lol. I might have to share more snippets at some point.

Stranded: so?

Stranded: are you gonna ask him if he's into men?

GI: stop asking me that

💖 - sorry but I fell in love tonight

Buck watched in delight as the fear drained out of Eddie's face, replaced with wonder.

that's all I've got in me for this one atm

🤝 - touches

The next escalation comes one evening as they're curled up on Eddie's couch together. Eddie sits between Buck's legs, his back to Buck's chest, when Buck takes a risk and slides his hands up the man's thighs. Eddie hums, happy, and tips his head back.

After that, they kiss whenever they can.

🤖 - who's got a crush

a few extra lines for this one as well 🥰

Had Buck really just said what he thought he'd said? No, he couldn't have. Eddie must have misheard.

"Sorry, what?" he asked, giving his head a slight shake.

"Oh my god, Dad!" Chris exclaimed, rolling his eyes dramatically. "He wants to have your babies!"

"Christopher!" Buck wheezed.

🌎 - alternate universe

How could he be right about when Christopher was coming back, but wrong about so many other things? Why didn't he have any memory whatsoever of getting married to Eddie? It couldn't be amnesia, because he had too many other memories all packed into his brain.

🥵 - that's hot

A moment later he heard footsteps and turned to see Bobby and Eddie walking towards him. Bobby looked extremely proud, and Eddie looked…

"Marry me," Eddie said, eyes fixed on Buck's face.

Make Me Write ✨

taglist:

(I hope it's okay that I'm adding you all here! Just thought you might like to read some snippets, and figured this was a good post for it since there's such a variety. If you're interested in even MORE, go to my blog and search 'make me write'. I've tagged all of these asks with that tag.)

@dluoser @taketheplanspinitsideways @loudenthusiastic @wallywise @mxrcjqckspnchqsc

@i-am-married-to-my-fandom @therosesaredying @stillfuckingtired @classtrialguru @speggle

@awesome-igi @natnuszsstuff @olliesrants @crazyfangirlallert @delirium1995

@brah3280 @meanceclosetohell @anythingeverythingallofthetime @izzysbeans @sunflower-eddiediaz

@darkrose6578 @veronae-buddie @steadfastsaturnsrings @loveyouanyway @inell

@spicyrottingbrains @gnoeltop @idealuk @donationwayne @lemotmo

@smilingbuckley @realpersonwithrealfeelings @superlock-in-the-tardis @mjthe14thdoctor @strxwbereee

@idontknowwhatimdoing777 @ashleigh2658 @mari-lwyd-fannibal-blog @mineyneedsmoney @faithhopeandmisery

@spotsandsocks @unlifeira @tofanasmuse @pirrusstuff @buddiedaydreamer911

@littlevampireprincessuniverse @misshiss727 @i-put-the-star-in-bastard @hermioneindisguise @dangerpronebuddie

Let me know if you'd like to be added or removed 💕

[lorelune]

hey fellas and folks i have been meaning to write something up about this but haven't known where to start or where i'll end up. but i DO feel like it deserves addressing.

(having my joker moment joker moment)

i really love this niche. i found a home in it during a very difficult time in my life, and have found many friends and lasting irl connections from the writings shared and conversations had. this place is so incredibly, INCREDIBLY dear to me. despite going through many horrors (tm) while in this community, i continue to stay because there is a lot about it that i love.

however, in the last... i don't know, year or so? there has been such an abundance of discourse, gossip and drama both publicly and privately that has exhausted me to no end. these things have always existed, they always will, but in the past year they have felt so draining and despairing that it has made finding the same comfort and joy in this community is hard. a lot of times, impossible!

one of the things that genuinely makes me SO sad is the tags. i made most of my lasting friendships in this niche but seeing a writing in the tags that i enjoyed and dming the author and shouting together. i have found so many great writers in the tags, and i still crawl around them today looking for fic!! HOWEVER. i find it difficult, not just because of the abundance of vague smut-related comphet posts with a slew of character names underneath from unrelated fandoms (to each there own but it isn't a posting style i enjoy!) but moreso because of the INSANE number of posts by antis that get thrown into the tags. main tags, character tags, x reader tags. it is so deeply disheartening to be looking for fic to enjoy and get jump scared by a posts saying horrible things about those who enjoy dark content. respectfully if you're above the age of eighteen and looking for writing on tumblr dot gov, i HIIIIGHLYY recommend using your literacy to first read ANY article or study summary about human psychology and sexuality and why fantasy does not equal what someone actual desires! signed a sex-repulsed ace spec mf who writes and enjoys smut. hate to use myself as example, but i hate even more to see folks in the tags be puritanical and pro-censorship under the guise of progressive ideology.

i want to say that there are parties within this niche that are CONSISTENTLY at the center of drama and conflict. no matter what fandom, no matter the url changes and lurking, they are there and its the same mfs. this is a complete vague, as i'm sure the parties in involved in the targeted harassment and ensuing drama do not know who i am, nor know that i know. but i DO <3, and so do plenty of other writers in our niche who have politely blocked and left you alone. do us all a fucking favor and do the same, instead of instigating harassment and being hateful cunts.

in this vein, in my closer circle, i know that these events (especially in the last six months) have caused folks to become conspiratorial and assume bad faith. i understand this is a protective measure because folks have gone through the wringer. however it makes me so sad to see what is often folks who likely do not know any context or horrors of the community, be painted so poorly in casual conversations when most of the time, communication is made to create a connection, not to start a fight.

i find myself reflecting on WHY i have come to not feel comfortable in this community. why i don't enjoy writing the same way, why i don't feel the same security i once felt, why i get so damn nervous to post a silly thought or thirst on main, and i find myself coming back to these experiences and the subsequent fear that follows. perhaps i am a weak-hearted coward, but i find it hard to find joy when i feel surrounded by constant negativity and genuine cruelty. it is hard to want to share any of myself when i am so deeply aware that whether it is strangers or people i have become close to, what i enjoy and what i choose to express and share can be so easily twisted into something it is not.

i know it would be easier if i had a thicker skin, or felt secure enough that this didn't bother me, but part of the core problem is that this community has made me insecure. it's a loop. it is one that makes me genuinely sad, as this place once felt so much like home. i know it still can be, but it certainly won't be sitting here, starting at blank documents and text posts wondering to myself 'why can't i just put words on paper' while i have the cortisol levels of a prey animal.

i'm not sure if other folks have felt similarly, or find themselves in the same point. however if you do, or you find yourself resonating, here's to feeling seen 🥂

- papa salami (lore) 🌙

[amadwinter]

A different kind of WIP Wednesday

Not a fic this time, but after a wonderful post about making bad art from @unspuncreature and a little encouragement from @lilredghost (thank you 🧡), I wanted to share something else I have in progress: my drawing abilities.

I wouldn't necessarily say I'm good. In fact, sometimes my drawings are downright bad. But considering there have been times in the last year where I haven't even been able to hold a pencil due to health issues, I'm happy to be where I am and just keep improving little by little each time.

I've never shared any of these with anyone before so I'm quite nervous, but there's no time like the present.

Many photos from my sketchbooks ahead!

So, for starters, I've been drawing sporadically since I was about 11 (about 18 years). I've never seriously made a habit out of it, and I've never attempted any formal instruction or classes. One day, I'll post images from my sketchbooks from over the years, because yes, I have kept all of them for posterity's sake

Last year, 2023, I made a New Years Resolution to draw something every day.

I actually made a decent go of it and drew more than I have in years.

But then I suddenly had some health problems pop up that made my goal impossible. I struggled to hold a pencil and even write a sentence legibly. I won't go into details here, but after a few months and going through occupational therapy, I was able to write and draw again(My other symptoms, however, haven't been resolved).

I did some drawing here and there, but nothing consistent. And it felt like some of the progress I made earlier in the year had vanished. I was utterly demotivated, and could only see the bad in everything I drew.

In December, I finally decided: screw it. If I'm going to draw badly, I'll just draw badly. And its done wonders for my confidence.

But for every drawing I'm proud of, there are far more that all I can do is laugh at because of how terrible they are.

And each time I draw something I'm not happy with, I take it as an excuse to practice more, practice often, and practice everything.

I don't really have a system or a plan in place. I start out with a warmup of stick figures based on soccer, figure skating, or something similar, and then it's whatever I feel like. Sometimes it's figure sketches, sometimes it's working on hair, sometimes it's just whatever the hell I feel like.

But above all, I'm having fun doing it. Even when it doesn't turn out like I want to, even when it's not perfect, I enjoy just putting pencil to paper with zero expectations beyond doing my best and enjoying the process.

[astrxsee]

FALSE GOD chap. 2

(chap 1) (chap 2) (chap 3)

percy jackson x child of demeter!oc

𝑰𝑵 𝑾𝑯𝑰𝑪𝑯 Rose St. Claire sets off on a quest to save the goddess in chains.

𝑶𝑹

𝑷𝑬𝑹𝑪𝒀 𝑱𝑨𝑪𝑲𝑺𝑶𝑵 learns to see what is right in front of him.

!CONTENT WARNING! gore, romance, swearing, blood, heavy themes

a/n: omg! hi i love posting on tumblr so much?? like i finally wanna write again LOL anyways I can also take requests! only if you want anyways pls i hope you like the next chapter i PROMISE there will be romance but it’s a slow burn dw

also can someone please show me how to link the first chapter i cannot for the life of me pls and thanks

sorry for the delay yall fr i just have to be in the right headspace to write im so sorry anyways i hope you like it please feel free to give any feedback

also if you like it i would be happy to put anyone on a tag list as well <3

The clicking of heels against the polished floor grabs my attention, the game I was holding in my hand lays idly to the side. Bianca shoots me a nervous look from her seat next to me before peering up at the stern lady. The lady's grey hair was slicked back into a bun, her nose crooked, almost like a scythe. She did not look very nice.

"Bianca Di Angelo." She states, matter of factly. "I am here to take you, your brother," The woman shoots a pointed look at Nico, "And your... friend."

The look the mysterious woman gave was poisonous, her eyes daggers as she looked at me. Her nose sneered as she took in the surroundings of the casino. It was loud, I could tell she didn't like it.

"My name is Rose." I snapped, quickly rising to my feet. I cross my arms as her eyes narrow as she looks at me. I glare back at her, not backing down from her imposing stare.

She sighs and rolls her eyes muttering something under her breath, something along the lines of 'stupid demigods'. I feel Bianca stand next to me, putting a calming hand on my shoulder. She quickly steps in front of me, breaking my cold stare at the unpleasant woman.

"Excuse me, but are you here to take us to school?" Bianca asks, her head tilted in a curious way. The old woman nodded, a careless look on her face.

"Yes, now come, we haven't got any time to lose. Don't ask any questions." The woman says before turning on her heel to the exit of the casino. I cast a look over my shoulder to Nico, his face twisted in a worried look. His hands fiddled with a silver army soldier toy, as he glanced around at everyone except the lawyer.

"Are you sure we can't just stay?" A small voice speaks out from behind Bianca. The stern woman whips around to look at Nico, who looks like he was about to cry. The lawyer scoffs.

"Stupid boy. You three are too important to be kept here." She bluntly states. Kept here? Too important? Her words make my mind spiral. I cast a worried glance over to Bianca who also has a troubled look on her face.

I couldn't help the nervous feeling in my chest. My Dad had brought me here about two months ago. Now that I think of it, I couldn't really remember what he looked like, let alone why he left me here. Were we being kept here? I shake my head, trying to rid my mind of these troubling thoughts.

My brows furrow as I try to remember the events leading up to entering the casino. It feels like the memories are just out of reach, like a blank space fills the area where they used to be. All I could remember was the year; 1976. I didn't want to go back out there, I didn't want to face what was waiting for me on the outside. Surely, the police would still be looking for me. Most of all, I didn't want that... thing to get me.

I roughly bump into Bianca, who stopped in her tracks. Daylight poured through the open door of the casino, I could hear many voices and sounds coming from outside.

"Bianca, what the hell." I ask, my mind snapping back to reality. I glance up and all words are lost as I become rooted to my spot. The cars zoomed by in the road, hundreds of billboards lined the bustling streets. There were bright screens with neon words that I couldn't even understand. Where was I? All I know that this was not 1976.

"Hurry up, children. We haven't got time to loose." The lawyer snaps. I look over to her, my mouth wide open. Bianca and Nico still had their eyes glued to the unfamiliar scene, their faces contorted into looks of panic.

A feeling of anger rose up inside of me as I took steps closer to the woman. She didn't even flinch as I leaned as close as I could to her.

"Where the fuck are we?" I yell, my confusion getting the better of my rationality. My arms gesture to the enigmatic scene in front of me. What year is it? What happened?" My mind is running too fast that I can't comprehend one thought. Where were we? What happened while I was in the casino? Why did it look like we were in the future?

An annoyingly amused smile makes it way onto the lawyers face. She shakes her head and lets out a condescending laugh.

"Stupid girl." She began, her eyes bored, "I told you to not ask any questions." My eyes open incredulously at her dismissive words. My entire world had been flipped on its head and she tells me not to ask questions! The anger boils up in my chest as I stand there with millions of questions. I notice pink flowers start to pop up in the cracks of the sidewalk, I didn't care at this point. I couldn't control it.

"What year is it?" A soft voice breaks me from my confused spiral. Bianca, now looking over to the woman, asks, her face full of confusion. She then looks at me, her eyes filled with tears.

"2007." She bluntly states, rolling her eyes as if it was a stupid question. My hand flies to my mouth in shock as I hear the woman's words. 2007! I have been in that damn casino for thirty one years? I reel back, the realization finally hitting me. I shake my head, a feeling of sickness washes over me. This can't be happening.

The woman guides us towards a large black car. I had never seen a car so big and with so many seats! She motions to the driver to leave after we all file into the car. Nico looks completely lost, his hands still on his silver army toy.

"Now, you may be confused." The woman, Camille according to the driver, starts. I scoff at her words, my arms crossed as I look out the window. A growing feeling of sadness wells up in my stomach, a twisting sort of feeling. "I can assure you that you will be safe at your new school. We will be there shortly."

How much did the world change? Why does time pass differently in that casino? Why did my Dad leave me there? Thousands of questions circled around in my head, too many unknowns for me to handle.

I feel my breaths begin to quicken, my hands shaking. I fiddle with the pins and patches on my worn out bomber jacket, quickly grounding myself. I think of my hands in cold grass and a warm breeze blowing over my face. I breathe out a sigh, accepting of the absolutely crazy situation.

I place my hand over Bianca's, she breaks her stare from out the window to look over at me. I give her a reassuring smile and her hand a small squeeze. She gives me a small smile, telling me that she's okay.

"Okay, children, grab your things. We're here." Camille orders. She quickly climbs out of the car and starts making her way to the man standing outside of the ominous front doors of the school. I grab my green duffel bag and follow Bianca out of the car, Nico follows me slowly. I didn't even want to think about how scared he must be. We all follow Camille slowly, our necks craned up to take in the vastness of the school.

Standing on the pathway, there stands a man. He towers over my friends and I as we stand behind our lawyer. He gives us all a large, slightly creepy smile. His two different colored eyes almost seemed to glow as he looked at us.

"Welcome to Westover Hall. Your new home."

˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚

taglist: @cxcilla

[barmadumet]

So, @underacalicosky and @wibzenadarksiderwithasoftheart tagged me in the WIP Tag Game, AND THANK YOU FOR THAT, but I don't have any new WIPs since the last time 🤷🏻‍♀️and you all know about all of those. . . BUT I have been working on option 3 from that poll quite a lot - I have about 75k words, but I am nowhere near ready to post a first chapter. But you know what? I think part of my slump right now is that I haven't shared any of my writing in almost 6 months since I finished Streets. So, though I am nervous to do this - because knowing me, I'll probably end up changing this or scrapping it - here is a small sample of that fic I've been working on:

Ferus awakes to the smell of brewing tea, and he’s not even sure how Obi-Wan has achieved such a feat when he doesn’t even have a kitchen, but the aroma is unmistakable. He glances at the parallel palette a few feet away – Anakin is still sound asleep, and the first sun is not yet peeking into the interior of the cave.

When Ferus stirs, he sees Obi-Wan perched on the plateau in the entryway of the cavern. He sits beside him and the Jedi Master slides him a cup.

“I had another ready,” Obi-Wan comments evenly, but cheerfully. “I thought you might be up soon. . . Your Master used to talk of how you’d wake with the suns.”

Ferus’ lips curl at the mention of his former, deceased Master, Siri Tachi. “She was like Anakin, and could sleep all day if you’d let her.”

Obi-Wan smiles softly. “And he needs extra rest these days, it seems.”

“He does. He gets worn out so quickly. . . It’s strange to think it’s Anakin – always so competitive, pushing himself to the limit. Needing to be the best. To win.”

“That need for victory,” Obi-Wan somberly tsks. “I do believe that’s where I lost him.” He sighs. “His fear of losing. . . It impacted him in more ways than one, but now that he’s lost so much, I don’t think it frightens him anymore.”

“Well, he hasn’t lost you – and it’s clear you’re what matters most to him.”

“You mean a great deal to him as well,” Obi-Wan reminds intently.

Ferus marginally shifts the subject, “Obi-Wan? You don’t have to answer this, but. . . I saw the two of you last night, the way you. . . I know I only implied it before, but did the two of you have a relationship?”

“Not a romantic one, if that’s what you’re getting at.”

“That is what I’m getting at – the way you held him, and the way he was curled up against you – I can’t say it’s a position I’ve ever been in with my Master, but I’ve surely slept beside my husband in the same manner.”

“I never touched him,” Obi-Wan defends sharply. “Especially not when he was seventeen. But when he got older, when the war started. . . Well, we became less like Master and apprentice and more like. . . something else entirely. But nothing ever came of it. There was tension there, and to be honest, I think it caused problems between us. This chirpy Anakin is one I’ve not seen in a long time, and I’ve missed him terribly. I honestly don’t know what possessed us to curl up together last night, because it’s not something he’d remember us doing; it’s not something we did until he was older. We’d seek comfort during the war, but it was never really romantic so much as just comfortable – natural. . . and I suppose that’s why we ended up that way: it just felt natural. I’m sorry. I’m rambling, and I know that’s not much of an explanation, but when it comes to Anakin. . . in light of this situation. . . I’ve just never before been so confused and so sure of myself all at once.”

Ferus laughs ironically. “That’s exactly what I was trying to explain to you about taking him under my wing. It felt both wrong and right. I’m still conflicted at times. . . and I. . . I can’t stay, Obi-Wan.”

Obi-Wan’s head turns sharp. “You can’t go,” he protests.

“I can’t stay,” Ferus reiterates. “I need to get back to the base – check on things there. Try to get back home and make sure Roan’s family is safe.”

“But you don’t intend to return.”

“I. . .”

“Anakin will be crushed. Please don’t do this. Not right now. Let him get settled.”

“He doesn’t need me, Obi-Wan; he has you.”

“Do you not hear how he refers to the two of you as one unit? Do you not see the way he lights up when you enter the room? Do you not see how he hangs on your every word? ‘Well, Ferus says. . . Ferus thinks. . . Ferus wants. . .’ ”

“That’s just because we’ve spent so much time together. I’m all he’s had for the last few weeks. He’ll be fine. I know you’ll take care of him.”

“You aren’t so sure. I can sense it – your worry for him, but you’re running away because it scares you –because of what he used to be, and I’m. . . I’m scared, too, and maybe I need you just as much as he does right now. You’re the only one that— Don’t go. I want you to stay.”

Obi-Wan and Ferus go quiet when they sense Anakin awake and approaching.

“Good morning, dear one,” Obi-Wan beams when a sleepy looking Anakin appears. His eyes are tired. His face is blank. His arms are folded, buried in his Master’s robe, head covered to hide his scarred face.

Anakin’s gaze is on the horizon, where the second sun is just starting to rise, the shadows of the cave now absorbing soft morning light. Both men have turned to watch him. Now, he watches them back and smirks. He wedges himself between the pair, then puts his head on Obi-Wan’s shoulder.

Ferus is just about to stand when an arm comes around his waist and pulls him closer. A cybernetic hand snakes up his back and rubs it gently. Ferus slowly turns to look at Anakin just as he lifts his head from Obi-Wan’s shoulder, and Ferus finds he can’t look away from the intense and engaging stare.

Anakin lets his forehead tenderly bump against Ferus.’ When he feels Obi-Wan’s arm stretch around him, he boldly decides to now use Ferus as his personal pillow instead, supremely content with having contact from each side.

Obi-Wan’s knuckles brush back and forth against Ferus’ ribs, an indirect way to communicate, a way to say he understands. He knows Ferus is wrestling with the very same qualm he himself had struggled with for many years: craving Anakin’s touch, while simultaneously fighting a guilt-ridden urge to push it away. He sees Ferus’ dark eyes peer at him from over the hood of the robe Anakin is still snuggled in – tethering between satisfaction and indecision.

Ferus is rigid, neck straight and chin high. But at Obi-Wan’s faint, but soothing smile, and with Anakin burrowing further into his side, he can’t help but rest his cheek to the top of Anakin’s head, shamefully giving in to the warmth and solace they both provide.   

The three remain huddled together as they watch the sky change colors in a comfortable silence.

*

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Thoughts?? Any interests? I feel like this will be a fic about 4 people will read lol, but I've been wanting to write it for almost 2 years now. I feel rusty! Idk if I can pull it off, but I'm going to try.

Thanks again for the tags, friends! It looks like all of your WIPs have been inquired about (or I already have knowledge of them! 🤩) These all look DELISH!!!

[moonmerchant]

Adrien Agreste (Origins)

Master post

This is one of the first posts in what is going to be a looooong project of mine - rewriting Miraculous Ladybug! It's no secret that the writing in the show is pretty bad, and after seeing other people do rewrites, I decided to throw my hat in the ring! (I say as if I haven't been obsessing over this for months/years)

My style of rewriting is tweaking what we have to make more sense and be more interesting to me personally. For this show however, I am going to be changing some pretty foundational things, like the power system for the miraculous and the kwami. I have decided to call my rewrite Miraculous Legacy and I will tag all of my related posts as such.

This post is my rewrite of Adrien's story. It's pretty similar to canon, but some things are changed and I wanted to clearly define it, since Miraculous can be kinda vague and wishy-washy with their characters and plotlines.

(Character profile here)

Adrien was born into the wealthy Agreste family as the younger of two twin brothers. His mother passed away due to health issues when he was very young; he has little memory of her aside from the vague impression of loving warmth and a kind smile. After her death, his father became withdrawn and only grew further buried in his work and his grief as the years passed. His brother, Félix, was one of his only friends as a child, but he became somewhat cold and closed off as he grew older, hiding the softer and goofier side to himself. His only other childhood friend was Chloé Bourgeois. She was like a sister to him, but she too grew distant over time.

Adrien lives a very sheltered life; his clothes, diet, and schooling are chosen and planned by his father. He rarely leaves the house, being taught by private tutors, and he constantly aches with loneliness and longing for a chance to experience life outside of his tiny bubble.

(He is not a model for his father's fashion line, and due to his father's reclusive lifestyle and desire for privacy, he isn't a well-known celebrity either.)

After years of begging, Adrien's father finally decides to let him attend a public high school. (He offers Félix a chance to attend as well. Félix's response is essentially: "Hell no") Adrien is overjoyed at the chance to meet other people his age, but when he arrives he realizes that he knows hardly any of his classmates. He suddenly feels nervous and awkward as he introduces himself to the class.

Fortunately, his father got him in the same class as Chloé. Unfortunately, Chloé doesn't seem very popular with his classmates. She seems more haughty and aggressive than he remembers, and his friendship with Chloé seems to put off the other students. They're polite, but they seem wary of him. Chloé tells him that he doesn't need them, but he still feels disheartened.

One day, while sitting by himself and feeling lonely, a boy sits next to him. The boy is apparently one of his classmates, and he introduces himself as Nino Lahiffe. Nino is politely curious about him, and asks why he looks so sad. Adrien ends up venting about his chronic loneliness, and how he thought that going to a public school would help, but now he feels even worse.

Nino asks if he has any friends at Francoise Dupont, and seems to pity Adrien when he replies that Chloé is his only friend at all. Nino offers to be his second friend, and Adrien immediately decides that Nino is wonderful.

Nino and Adrien become close friends surprisingly fast. After Nino's acceptance of Adrien, the rest of the class quickly warms up to him. Adrien is suddenly given friendly smiles and pats on the back and invitations to hang out and he is happier than he ever could have hoped.

And then one day, a black cat takes a liking to him.

Tag list: my amazing beta reader @thepentagonaltrapezohedron

@pann17

[modgryphonrambles]

I love TAOCC so much!

It is 5-6 in the morning, and I'm feeling emotional and affectionate. So I'm gonna ramble about how much I appreciate people. Apologies if you don't want to be tagged in this or if I'm not making any sense because I'm sleepy.

@silhouette-anon Soup, thank you so much for running the Gangle blog, if it wasn't for you, I would never have found this silly little RP community. I was so scared to interact for so long, I lurked and only sent a couple of unsigned anon asks, but the way you interacted with your regular anons gave me the confidence to also try and become a regular. You were just so kind to everyone, and it was wonderful to see. Love your art, love your RP, love how you make me smile in one moment and then make me cry in the next.

@sh4tt3rg1rl Basil, Soup may have been how I found TAOCC, but you are the reason I wanted to get involved with actually RPing in it. I don't remember how I stumbled on Mix's blog, but he was the first non-canon character in the group that I followed. I just loved his story, his design, the way you RPed, everything. Again I was too scared to actually approach you, instead I watched for a few weeks without making a single RP post. And even when I did start RPing, I was still a little intimidated by how amazing your writing was, so even though I still followed your blogs, it took me way too long to finally ask if I could interact with one of your characters. And of course your art blows me away all the time!

@the-moth-from-elsewhere Elsie, you were the first person in TAOCC I actually RPed with, though I never intended that. But I was so intrigued by Aoki's interaction with Mix, he seemed like such an interesting character, and I was blown away with how you RPed him. I wanted to follow that OC, but I didn't know what his blog was. I just knew yours. When I asked you if you had a list of OC blogs, you not only gave them to me, but pointed me in the direction of Dusk as a nice OC for me to introduce Grif to. In a rare burst of confidence, I sent an actual RP ask. I haven't looked back since. Your art style is so adorable, and you kinda scare me with how many characters you have, but I'm impressed by all the thought you put into TAOCC and I could listen/read your rambles for hours!

@shot-of-hopes-and-dreams Hope, I've already told you before how much I appreciate you for being the first person to send a character ask to Grif completely out of the blue. But I don't think I ever told you that you were also the first person I DMed to ask about joining a plot. DMs always scare me, I think because of how private they are, and it took me a good few days to work up the courage to send the message, but I'm so glad I did! Every time I get a message, or ask, or @ from you, I get excited, and sometimes a little nervous, you do love being evil after all! You surprise me a lot, keep me on my toes and really make me think when we RP together, and it's a ton of fun! I do love your sketchy art style too, and in my opinion it doesn't get nearly enough attention.

Star, Feiar, and everyone else that I've talked to outside of RPing (including the people I singled out above), thank you for all being so sweet and kind and welcoming. I really do struggle with social stuff especially voice calls, I always feel a little awkward by how I'm mostly non-verbal, and I often avoid calls because of it, but just you guys being so understanding has really helped me get over that fear!

And for everyone in TAOCC whether I've talked to you before or not, thank you for being such awesome creative people, you've given me so much joy over these past few months, I am so glad I found this community! Whether it's the writing, the art, the silly little memes, all of it makes me so happy (or breaks my heart in a good way when you decide to be angsty). All of you, never change, keep being such wonderful, amazing people!

[limeinaltime]

Quick Update

Hello. It's me.

So yeah, I, have been going through a weird rut where I draw stuff but don't want to post it, and a lot of fandom-related things (especially for Murder Drones, my god this fandom) have made me hesitant to post the refs and drawings I have done. I also have no had the energy to make a lot of full pieces despite wanting to, and I've mostly been doing sketches alongside working on TAOME's revision as well as the first chapter of Act 6.

Luckily I do want to post more so I'll try to eventually, but for now, TAOME's revisions are coming along nicely. Dialogue has been refined and added, characterization and interactions are still being refined and fleshed out, and I've been picking at all the little typos and errors I've been finding. I do want to try and finish before I take a trip later this month, but if not, at the very latest I do want to finish before the next 4/13, which will mark the second anniversary of this fic being made public! It might probably be that since I want to make this fic as high-quality as possible, but that brings me to the other reason why I've mostly just been reblogging and posting the occasional babble or ask.

I haven't been having fun with my art and writing.

Everything I've been making feels like a pressure I put on myself to get better, and I do want to deal with that before I start being more active on social media. With the influx of AI, studio drama and just everything happening in the world, I have felt both unhappy and unable to really create much of anything without feeling this pit, and being friends with or at least looking up to so many amazing artists, I think that daunting feeling of a skill gap has finally really sunk in. I don't want my work to be just rewarding. I want it to be fun.

So yeah, I will try to post some refs for the characters I have managed to work on as well as some sketches, and as for the fic, well

I'm really excited to work on Act 6. It's partially what I've been building up to for the past almost-two years, and it is a very big part of the plot. Like, one of the major plot sequences is this entire act. This does admittedly make me nervous, but then again, maybe it shouldn't. This is, at its core, an OC/Canon fic. I am supposed to be having fun with it. I'm allowed to hype it up. This is also the passion project that I have put my heart and soul into for most of my time in college. I don't want it to flop, and yet in a way, I feel like that want has sucked the fun out of making it.

I don't know what I'm going to be doing going forward, and the future isn't a given. The revisions will be posted with the start of Act 6 at some point, I can promise you that, and while I don't have any big pieces to post, I will definitely try to post more refs and the sketches I've done.

Btw I also have a Toyhouse that I've finally started utilizing so if you want to see some of the art and refs I've done, you can head over there too.

That's pretty much it. Remember to do your daily clicks, be healthy, support the oppressed and tell the oppressors to shove it up their asses, and have a good day :)

[flutterbyfairy]

i have a neurologist appointment in about a month that i'm quite nervous about due to previously being dismissed/not having my concerns listened to, so gonna post this to ask for some advice on getting Taken Seriously or if anyone knows things about the type of condition i might have about what i should be asking them to do/test.

might be quite long so putting it under a read more, and tw for medical stuff and doctors being dismissive. also i am So So Tired and therefore not able to think very clearly so apologies if i've messed up any of the medical info about conditions i mention and apologise just generally for the rambliness of my writing.

summary of why i'm going:

bunch of disabling symptoms that have continually progressed over the past 5+ years, including: muscle weakness, fatigue, muscle twitches/small spasms, nerve pain, blurry vision, lack of coordination (have this from autism, however has gotten significantly worse recently so might also be related to neuro stuff). first symptoms were difficulty having my arms over my head (like having to take multiple breaks while putting my hair into a ponytail because i couldn't hold my arms over my head for the like.. three minutes to do a ponytail) and blurry vision (that optometrist has said seems like might be due to a systemic disease because of how variable it is) since i was 13, which was seven years ago. i started getting more impairing symptoms when i was 15, and began needing a wheelchair for anything that required standing or walking for more than 10 - 15 minutes. i'm currently 20 and need my wheelchair whenever i leave the house, i can't leave the house or do things around the house often, i can stand for a max of like four minutes and can't hold my hands above my head for more than like 30 seconds to one minute. pretty much all my symptoms get a lot worse with any exertion.

GP thinks i have myasthenia gravis, but the test for acetylcholine receptor antibodies was negative and he doesn't have the ability to do other tests.

the neurologist has already said he thinks i have functional neurological disorder and that i should do CBT and pysio to improve my functioning (i already know CBT is horrible for me, i'm in other therapy which is good, i've done some psyio before but she just taught me some stretches and that was it, more psyio could be good but it'd have to be with someone who isn't trying to do a graded exercise therapy type thing since i get PEM). he has mentioned doing a spine MRI but this hasn't been done yet. he said he doesn't want to do further testing for myasthenia gravis but i will probably try to get him to agree to doing a repetitive nerve stimulation EMG or something.

i also have scapular winging on the side of my body with worse muscular symptoms which has also caused a lot of nerve pain, and i might also have some sort of spine issues (straightening of cervical lordosis was seen on a CT scan, they said it was probably due to muscle spasms, and i get a lot of neck pain which might be due to that? as well as a ton of back pain along my spine. might have CCI but haven't been tested yet). since it seems like i'm getting some structural changes in areas where i also get a lot of the pain and weakness and spasms i'm hoping if i bring that up the neurologist might maybe look more at organic causes + the state of those structural changes but i dunno.

he did a basic neurological exam in my initial appointment with him and said that i have give way weakness/waxing and waning weakness because when he got me to do the pushing my limbs against resistance i could do okay for a couple seconds but couldn't maintain it. he also said in the letter that i had positive hoovers sign however i am.. very confused by this because from my understanding hoovers sign is mainly looked at when someone has one limb that's at least somewhat "normal" and one that either can't be moved or is very weak, and then the person can't move the weak leg but when asked to push the stronger leg against resistance they push the weak leg down. both my legs are strong enough that i can stand and whilst one leg is a bit weaker they're relatively similar. i lifted and pushed against resistance with both legs so.... i am not sure how hoovers is applicable here? does anyone know why it was applied and if that was correct or if i should be challenging that? he's saying that the give way weakness and positive hoovers are indicators that the problem is "non-organic" and therefore should be treated with CBT and pysio.

i'm not sure what i think is actually going on. i think myasthenia gravis might make sense, but also so could other neuromuscular diseases like a mitochondrial disease or something. also very possible it's myalgic encephalomyelitis (aka chronic fatigue syndrome) but obviously that one is a diagnosis of exclusion so i want to rule other things out if possible. i want to know what's going on so i can have the best chance of being as well as is possible for me. i know CBT is not right for me and whilst some type of pysio could help a bit/prevent some decline (based on past experience i know it won't Cure Me but obviously it can help a bit to build some muscle or maintain range of motion and things like that which are important) if there's other things i can do on top of that i want to.

i've tried to do research to work out the best tests to ask for and i think EMG might be good but also know a normal EMG doesn't typically pick up myasthenia gravis so it needs to also have repetitive nerve stimulation i think?

i can't see a different neurologist at least not anytime soon, so i need to get this neurologist to do as much to help as possible. a social worker from where i get therapy is coming to the appointment to help me so that should be good but i need to work out what the best way to advocate for myself is and what tests are going to be the most useful to ask for.

if anyone has any advice for getting doctors to take you seriously or for any tests i should be advocating for or conditions i should be looking into or anything i would really appreciate it <3 (emoticon description: heart)