#I haven’t stopped thinking about that moment if only he knew how much that meant to me

[x-ladydisdain-x]

pov your dad sends you an article about elliot page and says it’s a good read and you start crying 👍

[itgetsdark-x]

I Wanna See You Beggin’

Summary: Joel Miller is your dad’s best friend, you knew it was wrong, you knew it would only cause trouble but you couldn’t help the way you ached for the man. (Title is from I Hate Myself for Loving You — Joan Jett & The Blackhearts) 6.9k words. I’m sorry.

Characters: dbf!Joel Miller x f!Reader

Warnings: 18+ only, no minors as it’s just a big ol’ load of smut… praise kink (use of ‘good girl’ a lot), p in v sex, unprotected (be sensible and wrap before u tap, pls), age gap (reader is mid twenties, Joel would be in his late 40s), use of the word ‘daddy’, oral (f receiving), no outbreak in this au.

A/N: hi guys, I haven’t written smut for years and Joel Miller has me frothing at the mouth and giggling like a little girl with a crush especially dbf!joel… Anyway, if this is enjoyed by people, I have an idea of how I could make this into a series. Please leave me nice comments or catch me crying in a corner somewhere lol

“Dad,” you huffed into the receiver as you held your phone to your ear with your shoulder. “I love you and all but I could think of better ways to spend my Friday night rather than listening to you and Joel argue over which 80’s band is the best.” You chuckled fondly as you carried on typing away at the laptop in front of you whilst you spoke into your phone. 

“Sweetheart, I love spending time with you and Joel, you love him as well! I’ll pay for dinner?” He spoke softly and you smiled as your could hear your dad’s smile down the phone. 

“Fine, what time do you want me round, old man?” You teased fondly. “I finish work at 5 today.”

“6:30pm work okay for you? Don’t forget to bring some beer.” Your dad asked with a smirk. 

You rolled your eyes before responding to him, “Fine, I’ll bring the beers but as soon as you and the other old man start arguing, I’m out!” You laughed. 

“Deal,” your dad agreed. “I’ll see you later my sweet pea, love you!” He hummed and hung up before you could respond. 

“Old men and technology.” You muttered to yourself before taking your phone and opening your messaging app. 

You quickly tapped on the screen and chewed on your lip as you did so. 

‘You need a lift to dad’s later? x’ you hit send and placed your phone down on your desk, returning your attention back to your work laptop. You were in the midst of replying to an email when your phone buzzed on your desk beside you. 

‘Sure thing, peach. See you around 6? :) Xx’

You couldn’t help the way your lips upturned into a smile, and as soon as you caught the reaction you chewed on your bottom lip. You hated the way the older male had such a visceral effect on you, you had known Joel Miller for around ten years now. You moved to the city and your father worked with him, the two of them soon became best buddies which in turn, meant he spent a lot of time around you and your house. When you first met Joel you were a mere sixteen-year old kid, from day one you felt an instant attraction to him, you knew it was wrong but you couldn’t deny it. In the beginning it felt like a harmless, childish crush, one that you were bound to grow out of but things only seemed to get worse the older you got, that attraction burned deep in your veins and any time you spent time with the older man you couldn’t help the way your cheeks burned and your pussy throbbed; there had been many nights where you had dropped him home after visiting your dad and rushed home just so you could relieve your tension. Your fingers buried deep in yourself, moaning Joel’s name as you came around them. 

You felt shameful, dirty and down-right embarrassed about those moments but it didn’t stop you from doing it again, and again.. and again. You knew Joel would never cross that line, never, he was too much of a gentleman and had way too much respect for your old man but that didn’t stop the feelings you had for him.

Your mind was reeling, so much so you barely noticed the way your thighs pressed themselves together searching for some relief to your aching core, you stood from your desk in your room and stretched before you looked at the time on your desktop, it read 4pm. You sighed and went to your kitchen to grab a snack and make yourself a strong coffee, you had an hour left of work before you had to shower and get ready before picking Joel up. 

The last hour of your work felt excruciatingly slow, your mind was busy with thoughts of your evening ahead of you; it was no different to your usual Friday get-together with your dad and his friend but today you couldn’t erase the filthy thoughts of Joel from your mind. You quickly showered, hoping the hot water would wash your mind and body clean, you ignored the burning to urge to relieve some tension and give your body the orgasm and relief it so badly needed. 

After showering you, you applied a light layer of make-up, like usual before pulling your hair up in a half-up and half-down style. You looked into your wardrobe and reached for a plain black tank top, orange plaid over shirt and black tennis skirt; you paired the outfit with your favourite pair of black converse. You put your accessories on; earrings, rings and gave your body a spritz of your favourite perfume. After grabbing the 12-pack of beer from the fridge, you quickly grabbed your phone and keys off the counter and left your apartment to go and pick up Joel. 

You were running a tad late but that wasn’t out of the ordinary, and Joel was always expecting it. You pulled up outside his home, gave a beep of your horn and took a shaky breath in as you saw him lock up and approach your car. Your hands gripped the steering wheel a little tighter as he climbed into your car and suddenly your senses were attacked with the older male. The small space filled with his heady scent, his aftershave musky, spicy and just Joel. He was wearing dark grey jeans, not too tight but tight enough to appreciate his thick thighs and your eyes couldn’t help but notice his bulge as he walked. Joel was wearing a dark khaki over shirt and a black T-shirt under that went perfectly with his jeans, and of course, he was wearing his trusty dealer boots. 

“Hey peach,” he spoke and leant over to press a kiss to the side of your head. It was something he had done for years, only now, you craved to feel his lips elsewhere. 

“Hey old man.” You grinned and started your car once more. 

The journey to your father’s house was short, only about twenty minutes; it was annoying that he didn’t live in the same neighbourhood as it always meant you or, on occasion, Joel had to drive. It was a comfortable journey as the two of you spoke about your respective day’s and week’s. 

“So you’re not hanging out with that guy again tonight, oh, what was his name!?” Joel questioned, searching his brain for the name. “Derek? No, no, he definitely seemed like a George!” He laughed, his hands resting comfortably on his thigh, you couldn’t help the way your eyes glanced down at his large digits. 

“His name was Ben, and you know that, Joel. You’re just being a dick.” You shook your head quickly with a laugh. “And nope, dad had other ideas for me… clearly babysitting duties. I would much prefer to be out with Ben but here we are…” You said softly with a roll of your eyes, it was a lie, of course. You would happily spend every waking moment with Joel, if he let you, exploring his body, sharing your thoughts with one another. 

His hand tensed on his thigh, it was brief and barely noticeable but you did notice it; that was… weird? You shook off the feeling and parked up outside your dad’s apartment block. 

“Anyway, I love babysitting you old men. It’s cute. Great practice for when I actually want kids.” You laughed, turning off the ignition and climbing out of your car. “And, I’ve warned dad, slightest hint of bickering between you two and I am out. Gone. Done. You can walk home.” As you spoke, you bent over to reach into the back seat of your car to grab the beers, one leg slightly lifted as your body struggled slightly to pull them closer; you hadn’t given the motion much thought, especially in your outfit.

Joel moved until he was stood behind you, he cleared his throat and looked away sheepishly after catching a glimpse of your black, lace panties. His hand rubbed at the back of his neck awkwardly. “Uh hon, you might want me to grab those? Gonna give someone a heart attack if they see you like that.” His voice was soft as he spoke, still not making eye contact with you. 

“Shit. Sorry, Joel.” You cursed, your cheeks flushed red as you watched the dark haired man grab the beers and you smoothed out your skirt.

The rest of the evening played out like usual; your dad and Joel had a few beers each, you allowed yourself to have one as you were driving and you all ate way too much Chinese take-out. It was getting late, you were laid out on your dad’s couch, your legs swung over your dad’s lap, Joel was sat in the lazy-boy across the room, his legs sprawled wide. This was always part of the routine, you would all catch up on your week’s complain about work, talk about sport’s games that had happened or were about to occur, it was familiar and safe. 

“So get this, bud,” Joel spoke, his voice breaking the noise of whatever Depeche Mode record they had put on the player. “Y/N over here was saying she would have preferred to have hung out with that douche, Ben, we met last month. Can you believe that?” He looked over at you, smirking as he took a swig of his beer. 

“Dick,” you mouthed over to him and let your head hang back onto the arm of the sofa. 

Your dad opened his eyes and looked over at you. “Is that right, sweet pea? You don’t wanna hang out with your favourite ‘old men’?! I’m truly offended.” He laughed, closing his eyes again, feigning hurt. 

“Joel is just bitter I have a better love life and sex life than him.” You shot back, immaturely sticking your tongue out at the other male. 

“Gross! Dad in the room!” Your dad grimaced, watching his hands in front of his face. “You’re my little girl, I don’t wanna hear about you having sex.”

“Hey — that’s not even true, I have sex… plenty of it…” Joel huffed, trying to sound convincing as he lied through his teeth. In truth, Joel never really had an interest in the women he had met, sure he took a few women home from bar to sleep with them but after he lost his wife and child, Sarah, he never really had it in him to give dating a proper go. 

“Sureeee you do,” you giggled, causing your dad to let out a loud laugh.

You all laid about a bit longer, listening to music and joking around before you sat up and stretched your back out, causing your tank top to rise, showing a small sliver of soft skin to show. There it was again, Joel’s hand tensed in place and it was almost as if his jaw clenched down. You were sure you were imagining these things, like usual so you pushed yourself off the sofa and smoothed your clothes out. 

“Right, pop’s I better get old man Miller home before I pass out here. I’m shattered.” You yawned, reinforcing your previous sentence. 

After saying your goodbyes you walked back to your parked car, the cool chill of the late-night air made your skin prick up with goosebumps and sent a small shiver down your spine. 

Joel and you walked in silence, the silence remained as you started your car and cranked the heating up.

“Dick move, bringing up Ben to my dad by the way, Miller. Real dick move.” You spoke, your voice seeming loud in the confined and silent space, just the low thrum of your car’s air vents trying to clear the windows and fill the air with warmth.

“Ha, sorry, Peach. Couldn’t resist it. Was right there for me to tease you with.” He laughed lowly, bringing his hands up to blow some warmth into them. There it was again, that nickname, every time it rolled off his tongue it sent warmth straight to your core. 

“My dad doesn’t need to know what I would rather be doing on a Friday night, or rather who I would rather be doing.” You huffed.

“I wouldn’t go around proclaiming that sorta thing, especially round your pops. I’m sure he wouldn’t wanna hear how corrupt his good girl truly is.” Joel hummed, his finger tapping on his thigh as you began driving. 

‘Good girl’, it rolled off his tongue so effortlessly yet it sent sparks straight to your core, as you drove you shift in your seat and pressed your thighs together. 

“I — I uh, I’m an adult, Joel. I’m a fully grown woman, incase you haven’t noticed. I have needs and wants.” You argued, trying to remain confident in your words. 

“Needs… and wants, huh?” He laughed, raising an eyebrow at you. “Is that why I see you practically drooling every time you see me? Now would you say that’s a need or a want?” Joel asked, his voice low and sultry.

Your mouth dried up instantly, voice getting stuck in your throat as you tried to protest. “I — I do not.” You protested, your voice coming out as a mere squeak.

“Oh peach, I see the way you press your thighs together. So needy for me? Hmm.” He hummed, his hand reaching over to touch your bare thigh. “I’ve seen the way you shift in your seat when I spread my legs in the arm chair or when you catch a short glimpse of my bulge. I’ve seen it all, no need to hide it.” His fingers were barely touching you, ghost-like touches on your skin. It was a risky move, he knew that and he knew you could quite easily pull the car over, kick him out and tell your dad what he had done. It could ruin his only true, pure friendship if your dad found out. But Joel was also sure he had calculated this properly, he had seen you for the past couple years and your minuscule reactions only seemed to ramp up the older you had been getting. 

Your breath hitched harshly in your throat as you tried to concentrate on the road ahead of you but your mind was swimming with Joel once again, his fingers lightly traced patterns on your inner thigh and all you could do was whimper pathetically under his touch. 

“J-joel,” you whined. “Please don’t tease me, I’ll crash the fuckin’ car if you play like that.”

“Oh little girl, I’ve barely placed a hand on you and you’re already whimpering for me? Quite cute really.” He said, his voice seeming deeper than usual; he splayed his hand across the skin of your inner thigh and gripped it tightly. 

You forced your eyes open as you continued to drive, you weren’t sure if you were doing the speed limits or what, all you could think about was the large hand that was so close, yet not nearly close enough to where you needed it the most. You could feel how wet you were already, you had been a mess all evening but now you could physically feel your arousal collecting in your lace panties. 

“You reckon your ol’ man knows how needy you are for me? Your dad’s best friend. Oh peach, what a mess.” He continued, he had moved closer to you now, reaching over the centre console of your car, his breath fanning out over your neck. 

“J-Joel, I’m serious. I’ll crash if you carry on like that. Not funny.” You whined, trying to press your legs together again but feeling resistance in the form of Joel’s hand. 

“Tsk tsk tsk,” Joel tutted. “What are you trying to do there, darlin’?” He laughed, letting his pinky drift closer to your clothed cunt just barely brushing the fabric. 

You whined again, just a small noise from the back of your throat and pulled the car over, from what you could tell you were a few streets away from Joel’s house; the suburban area was dimly lit with few lights and no people walking around, especially not this late anyway. You pushed your car into park, turned off the lights and engine and looked at the older male for a moment, your lips wet and cheeks flushed. 

“Joel…” you started. “Y-you don’t have to do this, I know I’m not your type and I’m sure you’re just trying to play a bit of a joke on me. We should get you home and forget about all of this…” Your breath was shaky, you hoped to every god out there that Joel would continue but you wanted him to know he didn’t have to humour your silly feelings. 

“You don’t think I want this?” Joel asked, his face close to yours, hand still pressed teasingly to your thigh. “I’ve noticed recently, the way you react to me and tonight, w-when you were bent over. Took everything in me to not pull those little panties aside and bury myself deep in that little cunt right there in the middle of the street.” His voice sounded near animalistic as he finished that sentence and your cheeks burned a deep, cherry red as he finished speaking. 

“I didn’t mean to do that, didn’t really think.” You mumbled, looking past him to stare out the window. 

“Shh,” Joel hummed, he leant forward and placed a kiss to your lips with his hand still stroking soft patterns into your inner thigh. 

You sighed contentedly into the kiss, finally experiencing what you had craved for years, your hand snaked up to hold Joel’s face as you deepened the kiss; hungry to taste more of the man. Joel tasted like smoke faintly, salty from the foods you had eaten and there was the distinct taste of hops from the beer he had drank. Your fingers intertwined into his greying hair and you gave it a testing tug; Joel groaned and allowed his tongue to swipe across your bottom lip. Eagerly, you opened your mouth and urged the kiss to be deepened, taking as much of him in as you could in that moment. 

Joel saw this as his opportunity to advance his hand, he slipped his fingers under the hem of your skirt and let them stroke across the damp fabric of your panties. You whimpered into the kiss, your hips bucked forward searching for further contact. He couldn’t help but smile at how undone you were already. Joel teased his fingers across the waistband of the lace fabric of your panties, teasingly slow, just as you were about to pull away from the kiss and protest he allowed two fingers to slip into your wet folds and agonisingly slowly circle your swollen clit. 

“Fuck,” he growled lowly. “So fuckin’ wet for me already, darlin’?”

You nodded, gripping at Joel’s forearm as he started to rhythmically circle and play with your clit. He was right, you were near sopping as he slipped through your folds. 

“Wanted this for s-so long,” you whimpered. You couldn’t quite believe this was real, you were almost convinced you would wake up any moment, sprawled out on your bed with your fingers deep inside of yourself and not actually in your car, with Joel Miller’s fingers close to making you cum already. 

“Yeah?” Joel asked, his fingers speeding up. “Wanted to feel my fingers on your wet pussy, making you feel good? Huh? How does it feel to have my fingers finally in you?” Joel spoke, his voice a low huff as his fingers worked quickly. 

“So. Good.” You moaned, the noise low and breathy. “Feels so good. I’m going to cum. Please.”  

Joel groaned, he still couldn’t believe this was happening to him. Since you started maturing over the past couple of years he had thought so many times about how much he would love to corrupt you; to have his fingers, mouth and cock making you fall apart at the seams. Just anything to make you feel good. 

“That’s it, atta girl. Cum for me, good girl.” Joel whispered, his lips ghosting over your ear as he sunk a digit into you abruptly and let his palm bump up against your clit.

That was it, the white hot, searing heat in your stomach erupted and your eyes screwed themself shut so tight you saw white patterns dancing behind your eyelids. Your teeth sunk into your bottom lip so hard the familiar metallic tang flooded your mouth, anything to stop you from alerting the neighbourhood with your screams. If that You that wasn’t just the best orgasm of your life, you would have been slightly embarrassed at quickly he had made you cum. 

Joel barely moved his finger in you, just circled it slightly but his palm nudged your clit as he worked your through your orgasm and it made you whimper loudly, your body flinching with over sensitivity. He took the hint and removed his hand from your wrecked panties and brought it up to his mouth, sucking his digits to clean them from your juices. 

“Taste so sweet, just like a peach.” He groaned, his fingers popping from his mouth, the noise startling you from your orgasmic comedown. There it was again, your nickname but now it just sounded sinful and you knew going forward, you wouldn’t be able to hear it without getting wet and embarrassed. 

When you finally regained some composure, you looked at Joel; your lips were swollen and red and your cheeks had a light flush settled on them. He smiled, thinking you were truly the most perfect sight he had ever seen. Your hand reached over to his lap, you had a hunger and needed to curb the insatiable need for his cock. Your small hand palmed him through his jeans, he was rock hard and fuck, he was big. You swallowed, almost nervously at the thought of his large cock stretching your tight hole out. Of course you had slept with people, you weren’t a virgin but your previous boyfriend was nowhere near that big and he definitely couldn’t make you come that hard, even on his best days. You gently squeezed at his length, stroking him through the rough fabric. 

“Not here, darlin’. How about we go back to mine so I can properly appreciate you?” He asked, and just as you opened your mouth to protest saying you wanted him right there and now he spoke once more. “I’ll drive, dunno if you can drive properly after that, little girl. I saw how hard you came on my fingers, now imagine how hard you could cum on my cock.”

Your whole body shuddered involuntarily, never in all your years of knowing Joel had you heard such filthy things from his mouth; he had always been the perfect Southern gentleman. You were soon pulled out of your thoughts by Joel opening your car door. 

“Shuffle over.” He commanded. 

You nodded dumbly and did as you were told. Joel swiftly started the car and continued the drive back to his, it barely took ten minutes but every minute felt like torture; your mouth watered at the thought of Joel filling your holes, using you how he pleased, your core ached with the need to be full of Joel again. 

Once the car was parked, Joel hopped out and was once again opening your door for you, you exited the car and grimaced at the cool air hitting your skin. You felt Joel’s hand on the small of your back, guiding you into his home, a place you had been hundred’s of times before but this time you felt nervous. 

He opened his front door for you and you walked in, just as you were about to turn and speak to the male he was holding your hips in his large hands and pressing your smaller frame against the wall. His lips were on yours and starting a bruising kiss, once again your hands found their way into his hair and you moaned softly. You wanted to be stuck like this forever, with his soft lips on yours and his rough facial hair scratching your skin slightly reminding you exactly who was kissing you. 

“Please don’t tease, I just want you so badly Joel. I have for years, b-been thinking about your cock filling me up for years.” You whined, sounding like a petulant child. 

“And I’ll be fillin’ you up real soon, sweet girl. But how about I make you feel good again, yeah? You think you can be good for me and cum again, I wanna truly taste how sweet you are, sugar.” He growled, his lips trailing rough kisses down your neck. God how he wished he could mark you up, head to toe, just so people would know you were all his.

Your knees buckled, and your body fell against Joel’s slightly, causing him to laugh breathily; no woman had ever reacted like that to him before, let alone just his words but then again, no woman was like you. He took you by the hand and led you up to his room, you couldn’t help but take in your surroundings, you had been in Joel’s room a couple times before but you had never noticed just how much it smelt like him. 

“How about we get you nice and comfortable, let’s get those clothes off you. Can’t wait to see your body.” He started by pushing your plaid shirt off your shoulders, throwing it over to the side; the heavy fabric landed with a dull thud onto his wooden floor and with that he swiftly removed your tank top. Somewhere along the way you had both kicked your shoes off but your brain was too murky to fully register it. 

Joel’s rough hands slid up your sides, he was drinking in every inch of your curves and soft skin; in the wake of his hands your skin was freckled with goosebumps. 

“So beautiful,” he breathed, a dim light casting beautiful shadows over his face. You felt embarrassed as his eyes fully drank in your form. “May I?” He asked, voice soft and smooth like honey, his hands were at the clasp of your bra and you simply nodded. It seemed like a trivial thing to ask permission for considering less than thirty minutes ago you were cumming around his fingers. 

He removed your bra, your perky breasts bounced ever so as the supportive fabric was gone. Your nipples hardened as the cool air hit them, pulling the sensitive skin tight. Joel could have devoured you whole, right there and then. His large, calloused hands came up to hold your breasts, his thumbs swiping over your nipples almost in a testing fashion. He did it again when it elicited a moan from your throat, he pinched the sensitive buds and your back arched towards him. 

“Joel, I can’t take it. Please.” You whined, his touches were entirely too much yet not enough all at once. It was your own form of perfect torture. 

The older male was loving this, watching your eager reactions as he toyed with your body, his cock was hard and leaking in his jeans and he couldn’t wait to be inside of you. 

“Be patient, darlin’. We have all night.” He smirked, slowly sinking to his knees in front of you. 

His rough hands begrudgingly left the peaks of your breasts and worked their way down to the zip of your tennis skirt, he unzipped the fabric causing it to fall to the floor. You took the cue and kicked it to side, out of the way. Joel’s fingers hooked into the waistband of your panties once more and slid them down your legs, you rested onto his shoulder and stepped out of them, just before you could kick them to the side, he was bunching them up and shoving them into his back pocket. 

This man — he would be the death of you, you just knew it. 

You were about to make a comment and protest but Joel was stood once again and gently pushing you back onto the bed behind you; you fell onto the plush mattress with ease, your thighs falling open without being asked to do so. You felt exposed, vulnerable but above all else, you felt needy. 

“Good girl, without even being told to lie like that. Such a beautiful girl.” He remarked, pulling his shirt over his head and slipping his jeans from his thick thighs. 

You rested up on your elbows to peer at Joel as he undressed and your throat tightened, all the air in the room seeming to have evaporated immediately. He was beautiful, all harsh lines to the outside world but in the glow of his bedroom now, he looked soft and warm. You were in deep, and you knew it meant deep trouble. 

He palmed himself through his boxers just to stave off some of the throbbing and your eyes followed eagerly, the thick outline of his cock making your walls clench around nothing. Wordlessly Joel knelt at the end of the bed, latched his hands onto your thighs and pulled you closer so you could feel his hot breath fanning over your sopping folds. Your hips bucked into thin air, nothing there to help you and he laughed, it was quiet and breathy but he definitely laughed — fucker.

Joel trailed two fingers through your folds, collecting your arousal on them once again and without warning he plunged them into you roughly. You gasped, your back arched off the bed and your fists balled into the sheets either side of yourself. His fingers were so thick, so much thicker than any man you had been with before; you weren’t sure whether that was down to the age difference or just Joel’s build. He slowly pumped his fingers in and out rhythmically, building speed and curling them so they brushed that perfect, sensitive spot inside of you. 

Your mouth was agape as you laid there, completely at his will, writhing under his relentless touch. Moan after moan, after moan spilled from your parted lips and just as you felt the tension tighten in your stomach Joel lapped his tongue of your clit. Your back arched and the filthiest moan escaped your mouth, you weren’t even sure how that noise had come from you but it had and it had Joel smirking as his tongue swiped through your folds again just to circle around your clit once more. 

Your hand laced its way into Joel’s hair, your fingers gripping the strands with a deathly vice and he groaned into your pussy causing vibrations to ripple through you. You weren’t sure how you were still holding on but your stomach was twisting, tightening and bubbling as your orgasm approached once again. 

“Mmm, good girl.” He praised as your walls clenched around his fingers as he continued to pump them into your wet heat. The room was filled with obscenely filthy noises; your moans echoed throughout the empty space as Joel slurped up your juices. 

“Joel —“ you sobbed, your back arching impossibly high off the mattress below you. “C-can I cum? Please. Need it.” You asked pathetically.

Why were you asking permission?

Never before had you felt so submissive for a partner in bed, never once had you asked permission to cum, no, normally you would be chasing your high, just trying to grasp at a fraction of how good Joel was making you feel. 

“That’s it baby, such a good girl for asking permission. Wanna make you feel as good as I can, peach.” He groaned in between pleasuring you. “Cum all over my face, wanna taste as much as I can.”

That was it, the coil in your stomach snapped abruptly and you were gushing onto Joel’s fingers, a pleasured scream tumbling from your lips. Never, not once had you squirted before, yet here you were, soaking the sheets beneath you and in turn, Joel’s beard and your own thighs. You would have felt ashamed if you didn’t feel such pure euphoria in the moment. Your back was twisted and contorted off the sheets as Joel worked you through it, making you squirt further.

He could have cum in his boxers, like a teenager as the first drops of your orgasm hit his face. He lapped up as much of you as he could, like a man who had been starved for years. And he had, he had been starved from allowing himself to have this moment with you and now he had you, he wanted to savour and devour you as much as you would allow him to. 

“Joel,” you whimpered, your thighs trapping his head. “C-can’t do it anymore!” You sounded wrecked, your throat felt raw from how loudly you had been moaning. 

Joel laughed, pushed your thighs apart and removed his fingers from you. You winced and your walls clenched around air, feeling so empty once again. 

“Please, p-please can I have you now?” You asked, positioning yourself on your knees in front of Joel. You reached your hand to feel his hard cock through his boxers once again and this time, he didn’t stop you. 

You abruptly pulled the checkered fabric from his waist and his boxers pooled at his feet; freeing his cock finally, it sprang up against his stomach and you all but moaned. 

“You’re so…” you whispered, looking up at Joel through your lashes as your small hand wrapped around his thick length. The tip was dark, a bead of pre-cum glistened at the slit and all you wanted was to taste it, to taste Joel’s musk. “You’re so big, fuck.” You cursed, your tongue sticking out to kitten lick at his tip. 

You wanted to sink your mouth down his length to fully take him in so your nose could bury into Joel’s thatch of dark hair but you resisted and gave him another lick, tongue flicking into his slit.

Joel groaned, a low and gruff noise from the back of his throat. “Fuck, darlin’, I gotta be in you. None of this.” He spoke lowly, his thumb coming down to swipe along your bottom lip and you quickly sucked it into his mouth. 

“Please, daddy.” You whispered, the honorific slipping from your throat before you could process it. A look of horror washed over your features and you knelt up higher to look Joel in the eyes. “I — I, — sorry. I didn’t mean —“

Your fumbling words were cut off when Joel placed his big hand around your throat and brought you in for a kiss. You were trouble, you were sinful and he was damned. He had been called daddy a few times by younger women, they thought it was sexy; the way they would flutter their lashes at him at the bar, saunter over to him and whisper ‘hey daddy.’ Normally it made his skin crawl and caused his body to cringe but the way it almost innocently slipped from your lips, it was like a curse from the devil himself and it made Joel’s cock jump, nudging your stomach. 

He squeezed his hand around your throat and you smiled? Trouble. Nothing but pure trouble. 

“Not such a good girl, after all, huh? Been acting all innocent all these years.” He whispered, his thumbs squeezing near your pulse point, hard enough to make your head feel lighter and floaty but soft enough not to hurt you deliberately. “God, what would your old man say about this? See his little girl begging to cum, see you squirting on his best friend’s face. Smiling as I wrap a hand round your throat. Your trouble, darlin’. Nothin’ but damn trouble.” He whispered, his teeth nipping at your bottom lip before peppering small nips to the flesh of your neck. 

Your legs trembled as they held you up, it was wrong but his words went straight to your core and soaked you further, you didn’t think your arousal could get higher but here you were. He was right though; your dad would be horrified, would be downright mortified to know what his daughter was truly like and at the hands of his best friend? That would destroy your lives. All three of you. You pushed that bitter thought away as your head lulled back and you allowed Joel to grope at your chest, hungry to feel your body once more. 

“Say it again,” he growled into your ear as he pushed your body back down onto the bed. “Call me it again as I fuck you real good. How ‘bout I show you what it’s like to have a real man fuck you, not some silly boy.” He said, his voice gruff whilst he stroked the tip of his cock through your folds. 

“Daddy,” you whimpered, parting your legs further to allow Joel more room to enter you. “Daddy please fuck me.” You begged, sounding weak. 

“Oh, of course, baby girl.” He cooed, pushing his cock into you roughly until he was bottomed out. “Fuck,” he cursed. 

“S-so big, daddy.” You whimpered, your hands grasping at Joel’s biceps, just trying to hold onto something as you adjusted to the slight burn of him stretching you out. “Mmm, please move.” You moaned. 

“Atta girl, taking daddy’s cock so good already.” Joel groaned and he swore that he saw heaven in that moment; your tight body below him, contorting to how he needed. He had already built up a punishing pace, hips drawing back to slam forward roughly. The room was filled with echoes of your skin slapping together, his deep pants and your wanton moans and weak, pleading whimpers. 

“I’ve wanted this for s’long,” you sobbed, your eyes falling shut as the tension built further in your stomach once more. You knew from this point forward you would be wrecked for any other man, no one would be able to make you feel this good. Not even close. “T-touched myself so many times thinking about you fucking me.” You admitted, the words falling without thought. “Want you to cum in me, wanna be full of just you, Joel.” You moaned. 

Joel was a goner, he knew he wouldn’t be able to keep this up for much longer, you were too tight, too wet and just too good for him to have any real stamina. Your admission didn’t help matters, either. The thought of you spread out on your own sheets, touching yourself to him?!

He gripped one of your hips tightly, hard enough to leave bruises on your delicate skin as he fucked into you harder with deep groans. “Can’t be saying that to me, peach. Gonna cum too quickly.” He hissed, his free hand snaking between you to trace circles around your clit. 

“I c-can’t do it again,” you stuttered, your body burning from the inside and out. “Too much.” You breathed, your sharp nails clawing at any bare skin you could find. Just anything to anchor you down as Joel pulled another orgasm from you. 

“I think you can. Hmm?” Joel spoke. “What you think? Wanna be a real good girl for daddy and give me one more?” His thumb sped up but his hips slowed to a sensual roll, his cock head bumping the electrified bundle of nerves deep in your walls. You clenched around him tightly and he moaned, louder than before. “That’s it, baby. That’s it. One more, come on now. Come on.” He groaned, working your clit faster. 

You whined, the noise stuck in your throat as your back arched once more and you clenched around Joel before gushing around him with a moan of his name. “Joel, Joel, Joel, Joel, J—.” Your eyes had rolled back, any further and they would have disappeared into the back of your skull.

“Such a good girl, fuck. So tight. That’s it, squirt on my cock.” He groaned, removing his hand from your clit to hold down both your hips as he fucked into you with more fervour. He wasn’t going to last long, but he also knew you couldn’t take much more. You were cock drunk and spent. “Gonna fill you up so. fuckin’. good.” He huffed, accentuating each word with a thrust. 

“Daddy,” you cried, tears pricking the corners of your eyes as your body went into overdrive. 

That was it, that’s all it took. Joel looked down at you, your were a mess and all from him, tears fell onto your cheeks as he finished inside of you with a groan of your name. “Shhh, that’s it sweet girl. Such a good girl.” He cooed, his hand cupping your cheek as he emptied himself into you. 

You moaned, feeling the hot liquid of his cum fill you up, your walls clenched weakly, just trying to milk him of every drop and you turned to kiss his hand. The room smelt of sex, the air was thick and hot and sleep called to you like a sweet song. 

Joel pulled out of you with a hiss and you whimpered, your body felt like there were a hundred tiny pin pricks on your skin. You were overstimulated and completely spent but ultimately, you were so happy. 

“Hmmm, m’sleepy.” You hummed contentedly.

“I know, sweet girl but can’t sleep here. The sheets are a mess. How about you have a rest in the spare room and I’ll go sleep on the couch?” He asked softly, brushing your sweat-dampened hair from your face. 

“Sorry about the sheets,” You giggled, eyes heavy-lidded and barely open. “Although, was kinda your fault. You’re a dirty old man, too good at that.” You teased, still giggling. 

“Yeah, yeah. I’m going to hell.” He huffed, his voice all too serious. 

Joel scooped your naked body off his bed with a gruff noise and before you knew it, you were in another bed with the duvet wrapped around you. Joel had cleaned you up with a damp towel, dressed you in one of his shirts and wrapped you up into the sheets. 

“Stay with me,” you whispered as Joel turned to walk out, assuming you had already passed out for the night. “P-please stay with me.” You cried, tears filling your eyes. 

He smiled and obliged with no arguments. The mattress dipped beside you and he wrapped his large arms around your waist, pulling you close.

“Of course I’ll stay, peach.” He whispered and pressed a kiss to your temple.

You hummed sleepily, your eyes already closed and you felt peaceful. It was the most peaceful you had felt in a long time. Joel was there, you finally felt content and safe in his arms. You knew trouble was brewing on the horizon but right there, in that moment, you couldn’t find it in you to actually care.

Everything felt like it was too much, of course your fantasy came true but what did this mean for your futures? You only assumed it would be messy and all too hard on you both. 

You drifted off to sleep peacefully that night, the most peaceful you had been in far too long. Your senses screamed Joel and you felt safe. You knew trouble was brewing on the horizon but for now, you were content and happy.

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[pickingupmymercedes]

Leap of faith - Lewis Hamilton

It can be read as a separate one-shot. But with the story it just makes it so much better

Sequence: Not just a pretty face / I need you to let me go / Fly on my own / Leap of faith (bonus)

pairing: Lewis Hamilton x Reader!

warnings: couple who went through a lot finally getting their happily ever after 🥹❤️

wordcount: +2k

a/n: Their story has my whole heart and I thought they deserved this closure❤️

As always, I'm open for feedback, come say hi!

______________________________________________________________

Laughter and clinking glasses filled the air, the glow of fairy lights casting a warm light across the open Californian sky. Guests were scattered around tables, their faces glowing with joy and a bit of alcohol.

In the midst of it all, the newlyweds stood at the center of attention, surrounded by family and friends who had gathered to witness this moment.

Lewis stood there, his fingers lightly gripping the mic as he looked around the room.

His eyes landed on Y/n, and his usual confidence softened into something more tender. He took a breath, the kind that spoke volumes without saying a word, then began to speak with that familiar, easygoing tone.

"I've been thinking a lot about what I wanted to say today. You all know I’m not really one for speeches—well, at least not ones that don’t involve a podium anyway. But today, standing here, looking at Y/n, I realize that there are some things that need to be said. Things that have been in my heart for a long time, but that maybe I haven’t always found the right words for."

He glanced down at his new wedding band for a moment, gathering his thoughts, before looking back up at her.

"When I first met Y/n, I was... let’s just say I was a little too sure of myself. I thought I knew what I wanted out of life, what it meant to be successful, to be happy. But Y/n... she changed all of that."

He paused, his eyes softening as he took in her face, the way she looked at him with that mix of affection and amusement that only she could pull off.

"I won’t pretend that our journey has been easy. It hasn’t. There have been times when I wondered if we’d ever get here, if we’d ever figure out how to make it work. But through it all, there was this pull—something that kept drawing me back to you. It felt inevitable."

There was a brief silence, the kind that came when words just didn’t seem enough, but he pressed on, his voice a little softer now.

"Over the years, I’ve felt so many things for you, Y/n. Admiration, frustration, pride, fear... love. So much love.

“But more than anything, I’ve felt lucky. Lucky to have met someone who sees me—not the driver, not the celebrity. The real me. And even luckier that, despite everything, you’ve chosen to stand by my side."

He shook his head slightly, a small smile playing on his lips as if he was still a bit in awe of it all.

"You’ve taught me that love isn’t about finding someone who’s perfect—God knows neither of us are that. It’s about finding someone who’s willing to grow with you, to fight with you and for you, to laugh with you when things are good and hold you when they’re not.”

“It’s about finding that person who challenges you, who pushes you to be better, even when it’s hard. Especially when it’s hard."

His voice caught slightly, just for a moment, and he cleared his throat before continuing.

"There were times when the distance, the pressures, the lives we lead seemed like too much. But every time I doubted, you showed up. You were always there, with your strength, your sarcasm, your endless belief in me. And slowly, I started to believe too. Believe that we were worth the fight, worth all the doubts."

He stopped, letting those words hang in the air for a moment before continuing, his tone more thoughtful now.

"I’ve thought a lot about what it means to commit to someone, to truly give yourself over to another person. It’s not something I’ve ever taken lightly. But then I remember when you asked me if I'd catch you. And how I just knew, somehow, that I could never let you fall. That I would always be there, arms wide open, ready to catch you."

He paused again, his eyes never leaving hers, and there was a rawness in his voice.

"You’ve been my biggest challenge and my greatest adventure. And through all the ups and downs, all the doubts and fears, one thing has remained constant: my love for you. It’s been tested, pushed to its limits, but it’s also grown stronger because of it. Stronger because of you."

There was a brief silence as he let those words sink in, both for himself and for everyone listening.

"I’ve come to realize that loving you, Y/n, isn’t trying to fit into some perfect mold, some idea of what we’re supposed to be. It’s embracing who we are, flaws and all. You make me want to be a better man, not because you ask me to, but because you deserve nothing less."

He took a deep breath, the emotion in his voice becoming more apparent as he neared the end of his vows.

"I’ve been in some pretty high-pressure situations in my life. But standing here today, committing my life to you, is by far the most important thing I’ve ever done.”

He smiled, a little wistful but also full of hope and love.

"You’ve always been the one, Y/n. Even when I didn’t know it, even when I tried to deny it, you were always the one. And, standing here, I can’t imagine my life without you. I don’t want to. Because I’ve found home."

Lewis’s voice dropped to a near whisper, the words meant only for her, even as the room listened intently.

"I’m all in, Y/n. I’ve always been all in, even when I didn’t realize it. And I can’t wait to see where this leap takes us next. Because whatever happens, wherever we go, I know one thing for sure—I’ll always catch you."

He let out a small, almost relieved sigh, as if a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. Then, with a soft smile, he added,

"And I promise, for as long as I’m breathing, I’ll never let you fall alone."

As the last word left his lips and he smiled at his wife, Y/n stepped forward, closing the space between them. Her arms wrapped around his waist, holding him tightly, as if to anchor herself in that moment.

He embraced her, his lips brushing softly against her hair, leaving a tender kiss there as he breathed in her familiar scent for a minute, before she let go and nodded at him.

Y/n took a deep breath as she took the microphone from Lewis, her fingers lightly brushing over his fingers as she gazed at him.

His vows had been everything she expected and more, and now it was her turn.

She could feel the weight of the moment, the anticipation in the air, but as she turned away from him, there was a flicker of something in her eyes—mischief, affection, and a hint of that vulnerability she rarely let anyone see.

She glanced at the guests, her smile widening as she began to speak, her tone warm but laced with the familiar sarcasm that everyone knew.

“Well, that was something, wasn’t it?” Y/n’s voice carried through the room, earning a ripple of laughter. She turned her gaze back to Lewis, playfully narrowing her eyes.

 “Leave it to you to set the bar so damn high. Now I’m standing here, realizing that I should’ve probably gone first. But hey, that’s always been our dynamic, right? You go ahead, and I’ll catch up when I’m not that scared anymore.”

The guests chuckled, and Y/n took a moment to collect her thoughts. The teasing edge in her voice softened into something more genuine as she shifted her gaze back to Lewis.

“First off, let’s get this out of the way— you guys have no idea how much I’ve been trying to keep my cool all day.” She winked at the crowd, earning a few more chuckles.

“The fact that I’m standing here, in front of all of you, without a single escape plan in my back pocket is... growth.”

Her gaze shifted to her mother, who was sitting with tears already glistening in her eyes.

“I see you, Mom. I know what you’re thinking: ‘Finally, she’s not running.’ But, you know, there’s a story there.”

Y/n’s voice softened; her smile more tender as she addressed her mother.

“I get it now. All those times you tried to guide me, protect me from the world, from heartbreak—I know you were just trying to give me the best. And I’m sorry if I ever made you feel like I wasn’t listening, or worse, like I didn’t care. I did. I always have. I just... I had to figure it out in my own stubborn way”

She paused, letting her words sink in. Her mother nodded, lips trembling with a smile that spoke volumes more than any words could.

“And Dad,” Y/n continued, her eyes finding her father’s across the room.

“You always knew, didn’t you? You saw something in Lewis long before I did. And me, being me, I just rolled my eyes, thinking you were too eager to hand me off.” She laughed, shaking her head.

“But you were right. As always. And you never pushed, never pressured. You let me come to my own conclusions, and for that, I’m so grateful. You knew I needed time to figure out that Lewis was my away to learn how to fly.”

A wave of emotion caught in her throat, but Y/n swallowed it down, keeping her tone light as she turned to address Lewis’s parents. Her smile softened as she met their eyes.

“And to my future in-laws—Carmen, Anthony and Linda – God, I can’t believe I’m saying that out loud—thank you for raising a man who is patient enough to deal with all of this.”

She gestured to herself with a grin, drawing laughter from the guests.

“I know you probably didn’t sign up for a daughter-in-law who has a habit of running. I know it hasn’t always been easy, watching us go through everything, but I hope you know how much I love him. Thank you for welcoming me, quirks and all, into your family with open arms. I promise to take care of him, to be the partner he deserves.”

She turned then, her gaze locking onto Lewis. The room seemed to fall away, leaving just the two of them in that moment.

“And you” she began, her voice softer, more intimate. “Lewis... where do I even start? You’ve been my constant when I was chaos, my anchor when I was drifting.”

Another pause, her voice almost choking as she took one of Lewis’s outstretched hands.

“I begged you to let me go. I was so scared—of us, of what we were becoming, of what I was feeling. I thought if I ran far enough, fast enough, I could escape it.”

She took a breath, her eyes glistening.

“But you—God, you just wouldn’t let me go, even when I didn’t deserve you. You stood there, you saw right through all my bravado, and you told me you weren’t going anywhere. That you’d wait. And you did.”

She said the last part almost to herself, nodding incredulously.

“You waited while I sorted through my mess, while I ran from something I didn’t fully understand.”

A tear slid down her cheek, and she let it fall freely.

“I’ve been thinking about this day for a long time—Feels like I’ve been calling you my partner, my best friend, my everything for so long, but now… Husband. That’s a whole new level. I mean, look at you, sitting there all smug, knowing you got me to sign my life away."

She let out a small laugh, lightening the mood for a moment as everyone else felt the tension ease, only for her expression to turn more reflective again.

"Seriously though … when I first met you, I wasn’t looking for forever. Hell, I wasn’t even sure I was looking for tomorrow. I was stuck, scared, trying to navigate my own storm, and you—you were like this ridiculous beacon of light, just… shining. And I couldn’t ignore you, even though I really wanted to."

She paused, smiling as she recalled those early days.

"I kept telling myself, ‘Don’t get involved, don’t fall for the guy with the world at his feet.’ But then you’d do something… something so small, like remembering how I take my coffee or noticing when I was having a bad day without me saying a word. You were patient when I needed time, persistent when I pushed you away, and through all my doubts and fears, you became the person I couldn’t imagine my life without."

Y/n looked down for a moment, taking a breath before continuing.

“You lit something up in me that I didn’t even know was there, something that made me feel like I was enough. Like maybe, just maybe, I could be more than the sum of my fears and insecurities.”

She paused, her eyes softening again as she looked at Lewis.

"We’ve been through it, haven’t we? And I don’t just mean the glamorous stuff. I’m talking about the hard nights, the distance, the moments where I didn’t know if we’d make it through.”

There was a soft murmur among the guests as Y/n’s voice lowered, the raw emotion in her words unmistakable.

“We’re standing here today because you never let go, even when I wasn’t sure I could hold on."

Then the room was silent once again, the weight of her words hanging in the air.

“You’ve taught me that love it’s something you choose, every single day. That it resides in the little things—the way you pull me closer when I need it, the way you let me push you away for a bit when I’m too scared to let you in. It’s about the quiet moments, when you’ve stayed by me even when I didn’t ask, because you knew I needed you. The times when you’ve held me together when I felt like falling apart.”

She took a deep breath, her voice trembling slightly before she regained her composure.

“I know I haven’t always been the easiest person to love. I’ve put up walls, kept you at arm’s length because I was scared of what it might mean to really let you in. But you never gave up on me. You never walked away, even when I gave you every reason to.”

Y/n’s voice trembled, but she steadied herself with a deep breath.

“Falling for you felt like coming home. Like finding the place I was always meant to be, the place where all the chaos was worth it”

She looked back at Lewis, her eyes shining with and her voice thick.

"Lewis, you were my leap of faith. And trust me, I’ve never been a fan of heights. But with you, it’s all about rising. Rising above my fears, my insecurities, all the things that used to hold me back."

She paused, blinking back tears as she smiled at the guests.

“You’ve been my rock, my safe place, the one who’s seen me at my worst and still loved me through it all.”

She wiped her cheek with a shaky laugh.

“There’s something terrifying about that, isn’t there? The idea that someone could know you so completely, so intimately, and still choose to stay. You’ve chosen me, even when I wasn’t sure if I could choose myself.”

She took a deep breath, her voice trembling with emotion as she continued.

“I always think back to that night – you know the one – when I asked you if you’d catch me or if I’d have to learn to fly on my own. You didn’t hesitate. You just opened your arms and let me fall… fall into you.”

Y/n’s breathing trembled again.

“And that’s when I knew. No matter what happened, no matter where life took us, I’d never be alone. Because I had you. I had this incredible man who was willing to catch me, over and over again, no matter how many times I stumbled.”

Y/n’s voice broke slightly as she spoke her next words, her tears flowing freely now.

“I’ve always been scared of letting go, of giving myself over to someone completely. But with you, it doesn’t feel like falling. It feels like flying. Like coming home.”

Y/n took a moment to steady herself before she added, with a smile through her tears.

“Lewis, I’m all in. My husband, my partner, my leap of faith, you’re the one I choose, every day and in every way.”

Y/n wiped at the corner of her eye as she finished, giving Lewis’s hands that extra squeeze.

“So here’s to us, to our forever. I can’t promise I won’t drive you crazy, or that I’ll ever stop being a little bit of a mess, but I can promise to love you fiercely, endlessly, and with everything I have. Thank you for being my anchor, my safe place, and most importantly, for being you.

There was a pause as she took a last breath, her eyes never leaving his, her smile bright on her features.

"Okay, enough with the mushy stuff. Cheers—to love, to learning how to fly, to taking the leap."

______________________________________________________________

TAGLIST - @saturnssunflower @xoscar03 @chocolatediplomatdreamerzonk @itsmrshamilton @vicurious28

@0710khj @thecubanator2 @neilakk @bigratbitchsworld @adriswrld

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@priopp123 @strqirlhrts @hmmmmm-01 @bisexual-babygirl-mj @bebesobrielo

If you’d like to be added to my taglist you can leave a comment or send me a dm/ask.

[nfr-girly]

Benedict Bridgerton x Reader // Jealousy 📚 🖼️

:: masterlist

Summary: Lately, you and Colin have been bonding over art and books, but what happens when a certain Bridgerton gets jealous?

————————————————————————

Benedict never took any interest into deciding to marry, with his family having a tradition to marry for love, not wealth, he had the freedom to focus on his art, without the pressure to find romance.

To him, romance was a burden that held you back from achieving many things, but lately, Benedict had second guessed all his thoughts on love.

For the past few weeks, ever since Colin found out you like to read, you two have been meeting continuously in the gardens to discuss your latest reads. At first, Benedict thought it was nice you and Colin were starting to bond, he was glad you had another bridgerton to confide in, alongside himself. But as days turned into weeks, Benedict felt a burn in his chest as he sees your interest slowly turn away from him, and towards his brother.

Benedict and you had met at an event, you both bonded of your shared liking of the arts, and although to many in the ton, your friendship may have seemed inappropriate, Violet bridgerton never thought for one second your friendship was wrong.

However, friendship seemed to be a heavy understatement to describe what you two had, neither of you would admit it, but you both knew some feelings were there. Your mother was very adamant on you marrying someone with a high status, like a viscount, or duke, which is why she never considered Benedict as a suitor. “He’s a lovely gentleman, but his status is too low, perhaps his brother the viscount would be a better suit for you?” She would say.

Oh but you wish she did approve him. Your feelings for Benedict never went away, every time he was near you felt planets away, just out of reach of something special.

So when the younger brother of Benedict, Colin came to you, taking an interest in your latest read, you didn’t hesitate to start discussing it with him.

You never once thought Benedict and you would ever happen, maybe some time with another bridgerton would help those feelings die down?

As weeks went by, you did miss Benedict, you felt bad you were starting to spend time with Colin more, but every time you and him made eye contact, the longing in your heart grew, and it needed to be contained.

Benedict missed you tremendously, he always tried to find a moment to talk to you, just to know even one thing about what you’ve been up to. But Colin would always steal you away.

What did you even see in Colin that you didn’t see in him? He would listen to you talk about books for hours, if it just meant you’d go back to him.

*at the bridgerton house*

You’re waiting for Colin in the library, looking through some books, when you see in the corner of your eye a tall figure

You turn your head to see Benedict, you haven’t seen or talked to him in a while, both of you freeze seeing one another.

“Benedict. I haven’t seen you for a while, how have you been?” You say to him slowly walking towards him, hoping to make conversation, instead he furiously strides towards you

“Why have you been ignoring me?” He asks with a stern face

“What do you mean?”

“You know what I mean, you’ve spent almost a month going off with Colin talking about god knows what while I’m here missing you like some idiot” he’s mad now, he doesn’t understand why you have to ignore him to hang out with his brother

“I’m sorry, I’m sure we can arrange something-“

“Do you have any idea how much my heart has burned for you? You are the only thing I think about when I go to sleep, the only thing I think about when I wake up and you aren’t even there. I don’t know if I’ve done something but tell me so I can fix it. I’m tired of wishing you weren’t so far away.” Benedict comes to a stop, instantly regretting everything that just came out his mouth

“Do you really feel that way?” You ask, the warmth in you blossoms and that desire to be closer to him now grows

“Of course I have. I’ve felt it since the moment you spoke to me. I know your mother doesn’t want you to be with me, and maybe you don’t want to be with me either, but I won’t deny how I feel, you are the whole reason I breathe, every time you are near time stops and the only thing in the room is you. My mind goes insane because I can’t ignore the fact that I want you-“ before he can say anything else, you grab his shirt and pull him in to kiss him. He widens his eyes, but realising what’s going on, immediately kisses you back. He holds your cheeks to pull you in more. The whole room spins, the only thing you two care about in this moment is eachother.

You pull away and look into his eyes, so much desperation and desire painted across his face

”I’m sorry I’ve been away” you say softly

“It’s okay, you’re mine now, that’s all that matters” he laughs softly as he pulls you in for another kiss, harder than the last. Years of built up desire now let out, pulling the weight off of both your shoulders.

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a/n: it’s Benedict’s season soon 😝 I hope you guys enjoyed thisss! 🫶

[inactiveobeymeblog]

The Brothers Cock Warming M!MC

Probably has been before but oh well. I wanted to add my own little pizazz to it. Also not a lot of male mc.

Tags: the brothers are on the receiving end, cock warming, praise kink, degradation kink, office sex, male mc/AMAB reader, teasing, and edging. Read at your own risk!!

Lucifer

This man is so hard to get away from his work

He’s practically married to it (and maybe Diavolo)

The moment you walk into his study he immediately tried to dismiss you, thinking you are one of his brothers

Boy was he ever so wrong

“Luci.” You would call out

His head immediately shoots up and he drops his pen

He would be so happy to see you he wouldn’t be able to help the corners of his lips curving upwards

You’d walk over to him and waste no time in kissing him

He’d kiss back and your plan is set in motion

Time skip to when you’re shedding his clothes off of him

If you really want him to cockwarm you, you have to get him in the mood

It’s pretty easy to do, too

Start by slowly undoing his tie and slowly unbuttoning his vest while softly kissing his nape

He’ll get impatient but he’ll also be curious

“You know, I haven’t seen you all day. I’ve missed you.”

Find any excuse to praise him

Whether if it be complimenting his looks or complimenting his behavior; it gets him riled up and ready

But what he doesn’t expect is when you both are only sitting there, cock fully sheathed inside him

He gets confused but catches on pretty quickly

He picks up his pen gets back to work

But let’s be real here

He’s not getting anything done

Not when you have the chance to screw with him in the best way possible

You’d start by wandering your hands all over his body while nipping at any reachable exposed skin

Then you’d move on to shifting slightly on purpose so you’d move inside him

You’d continue this until he gets fed up

“You’re being very annoying today.” He’d say a few minutes before he rides you completely

He’d get so lost in the feeling of you filling him up he forgets about his work for the rest of the day

He’s not going to stop riding you until you beg for mercy

Prepare to have a sore dick the next day

Mammon

Finding Mammon is easy

But if you can’t find him, just text him a “I need you. Come here now.” And it doesn’t matter where he is, he’ll be there in 2 minutes flat.

You get straight to the point

You tell him to undress while you sit in his bed, watching him obey your command

You find it endearing

So you reward him by stuffing him full with your cock

“Look at you taking me so beautifully. So perfectly. Almost as if you were meant for this.”

Praise him but lightly degrade him if you want to reward him

But if you want to punish him? Don’t say anything and watch him squirm on your unmoving length

But it’s only a matter of time before you snap and can’t handle how hard he’s clenching you

Before you knew it, Mammon was on all fours getting pounded into his own mattress

You love the noises that come from his mouth so much you have to praise him for it

“Such a good boy. Taking me with such little effort. Such a good boy for me.”

Praise him and he’s spilling on the sheets while screaming your name

It’s long last an hour before you finish inside him

You love him so much you found it in you to clean up everything (and find a healing spell of some sort bc let’s be honest here. He’s ruined.)

When you’re done with aftercare, you pull the second eldest close to your chest and fall asleep until you wake up a few hours later to do it all over again

Mammon loves it when you do that

Leviathan

Levi lost a bet against you while playing a video game

He lost and now he has to face the consequences

Sitting on your cock while he plays a game with a few online friends

Oh, and open mic, too

“I might not be at my best this time, guys.” He’d say as the round starts bc he knows you aren’t letting him off easy

He lost, remember?

For the first game you’re completely content, but the second game you get a little more teasing

You start lightly rocking your hips upward and running your hand gently up and down his waist, sometimes squeezing

Each time you do, Levi tries to compose himself by sharply inhaling and keeping his voice down

The next couple games you’re now thrusting a couple inches inside him, enjoying the way he struggles to focus and keep quiet

The next few games you’re now kissing up and down his exposed back while still pumping the same two inches inside him at the slowest pace you could manage

It was starting to make him squirm under you and letting out small breaths and quiet whimpers

You both stay like this until his friends go offline and Levi crumbles as he switches to his demon form

He’d somehow turn around with you still inside him and start bouncing away

His tail comfortably wraps itself around your leg and his hands are on your chest

Each time Levi lowers himself, you raise your hips to meet him halfway

You hit his sweet spot every time

It’s only a small amount of time before he’s gone and spills over both of your chests

You flip him around and start pounding into him

A few thrusts later and you’re stroking yourself, shooting onto his balls

You both quickly recover and clean up before you play another game with him

Levi would be distracted the entire time as he replays what happened mere moments ago in his mind

He looses again

Satan

This nerd immediately knew what you were trying to do

So he wasted no time in tying you to his bed and siting comfortably down onto your length with a book in hand

You’re still inside him when he lays back against your chest while reading the rest of his book

He could spend hours just sitting on your dick and you’d be helpless just laying there, hard, inside him for hours on end

Eventually though, he’d get bored and turn his body around to face you, book placed down beside you

“I’m going to make you feel so good you will never want to leave.”

He’d say something so hot you twitch so violently inside him he squeaks quietly

You find it cute

But your little smirk turns into an open ‘O’ when Satan brutally starts bouncing

He’s slamming himself down so hard you’re moaning with him

He wouldn’t stop there either

He’d play with your nipples, pinching and licking them whenever he wants

It’s not a shocker when you’re the one unloading inside him first

Your mind gets so clouded with lust you start to raise your hips in time with Satan’s bounces but the demon wouldn’t allow it

He’d force your hips down and get even more rough, his ass jiggling from how much force he’s using

You cum a second time before Satan cums once

Taking advantage of Satan’s brief break, you take the moment to look down at yourself

Your chest is cover with bite marks and hickeys

The same goes for your stomach, except it’s now coated with Satan’s cum

You’re hard again inside him and Satan smirks

“I’m not stopping tonight. I’m going to put you in a wheelchair by morning.”

He wasn’t wrong

You could barely feel your legs and it felt like yo were missing your pelvis completely not to mention how sore your dick was

You’d wait awhile before attempting something like that again

Satan comes up with an idea to wear cat-themed lingerie next time

He’s sure you’d get a kick out if it

He’d have a blast showing it off to you before brutally riding you all night again

He’d accidentally rip the fabric of the lingerie and get sad

He was really happy with the look of it too

Oh well

He’ll buy another piece

Asmodeus

If you thought you’d be in control, you’re sorely mistaken

Similar to Satan, he’s tying you up to his bed

But he’s not just going to cockwarm you

He’s going to edge you beyond humanly possible

He’d start by rolling his hips in a circle before rolling them up and down

Then he’d wiggle his ass a little and delightfully watch you squirm under him

He repeats this more than enough times to start getting you to beg

He hears you but ignores you

He’s too busy with rolling his hips and sucking your nipples and cupping your balls

He’d pleasure you until you feel that knot in your stomach tighten

Then he’d lift himself off your dick and sit on it until you start pouting

Then he starts the process all over again

This time he starts touching himself

He strokes himself in time with his rolling and your moans and desperate cries for more

But he ignores you and says not until he’s climaxing on your chest

And so that’s exactly what happened

He moans your name and spills on your stomach, some shooting onto your face and chest

He licks his mess up before lifting himself off your cock and crawling backwards while still making eye contact with you

Before you know it, your cock is in his mouth as you’re face fucking him stupid

Your length reaches the back of his throat and he happily accepts it

Asmo’s throat game is god-tier

He knows when to swallow around you and when to use his tongue

It’s not long before you’re spilling everything you’ve built up down Asmo’s throat

Asmo smiles and licks his lips before undoing your bindings

“Let’s do that again sometime. I enjoyed it.”

Beelzebub

If Beel is going to cockwarm you, it’s with his mouth

You’ll most likely find him in his shared bedroom (alone most of the time considering Belphie doesn’t sleep in one spot too often)

You find him there and you lean against the door, watching him finish the last of his midnight snack

You smirk to yourself and muster up the most not-sexual tone you could manage

“Still hungry? I have a snack just for you if you are.”

You’d walk over to him and sit down on the bed and he’d look at you with a confused look

He looks adorable when he does that

You lean back with one arm supporting you and use your other to lift your shirt up and all Beel could do to respond was nod with a smile

And getting on his knees in between your legs

You both have done this a handful of times before, he knows you like it and he’s happy doing it for you (he’d be lying if he said he didn’t feel aroused himself)

So Beel got to work immediately

Undoing your belt (if you have one on) and unzipping your pants to pull your hardening length out through the hole

Beel grabs the base of your shaft before licking your tip

It takes all your strength not to fuck his face

Then he engulfs your entire length in one go, down his throat

Your hand immediately finds is way to his hair and your hips start to grind against his throat

You can’t help but groan when he swallows around you

The warm wetness of his mouth combined with how skilled his tongue swirls around you send heatwaves throughout your loins

You get to full mast after a couple minutes of throbbing in Beel’s throat

By now you’re panting lightly and running your hand through his orange locks

“You’re so good at this, Beel. Oh Shit. Can I?” You’d ask him and he’d hum around you, giving permission

Then, next thing you know you’re holding his head with both hands as you fuck his throat

Surprisingly, no matter how hard you go, he never chokes or coughs

He just swallows all of you

And the thought of that is what sends you over the edge and you’re unloading down his throat

You collapse on the bed behind you

Beel will patiently wait for you to recover before you sit back up again and kiss him

You cup both of his cheeks with your hands and kiss him with such fever it almost felt like a desire. A desperate need

You pull away and grin

“My turn, babe.”

Belphegor

Belphie loves to cockwarm you

It doesn’t take up too much energy and he doesn’t have to do much

You two are normally cuddling when this happens

You spoon him as you two nap on his bed, still inside him

Usually, quite surprisingly, Belphie is the one to wake up first

And being the little shit he is, he loves to mess with you

So he’ll start slowly rocking his hips back against you to wake you up

Once you are awake, you hold him closer to you

“You’re being naughty today, Belphie.”

So you start rocking your own hips against him as you reach around and cup his balls with your hand

Belphie makes little, quiet sounds as you tease him

“So full, love. We’re you having a nice dream?”

You start to whisper dirty things in his ear and he starts to moan more freely, albeit quiet

You still love to here his voice

While still cupping his balls with your hand, you use your other one to stroke him

You stroke at a painfully slow pace, making Belphie thrust himself lightly into your hand and back against your cock

You start leaving kisses on his neck and shoulder, sometimes biting

Over time, you slowly start to increase your stroking pace and thrust speed

The combined pleasure from your cock and you stroking him soon sends him into his climax, spilling onto your hand and the sheets below him

You soon quickly finish off as you pick up your pace thrusting inside him

When you pull out of him, you turn him to face you and you kiss him

“You did wonderful, love. Like always.”

You smile and kiss him again

“So did you.”

Belphie’s words made you feel butterflies in your stomach

He was so cute

It almost makes you want to smother him with kisses

Oh wait

You can

And you do

You kiss him until both of your lips are numb

“I love you, Belphie.”

“I love you, too.”

End.

A/N: Sorry if there’s any typo’s! This took me several days to make considering I didn’t have any motivation to continue working on it until now (and I don’t have the energy to revise and edit any of this). But it’s here and I hope you enjoyed it. Let me know if y’all want more or not. I’m always open for requests! I tried to keep everyone canon-accurate so I hope it is. Thanks for reading :)

[sc0tters]

Missing You | Nico Hischeir

summary: when you and Nico haven’t seen each other for a month his teammates pull off the surprise of a lifetime when you both needed it the most.

request: yes/no

warnings: sexual themes, p in v, swearing, slight exhibitionist kink?

word count: 2.68k

authors note: welcome to the fourth instalment of the 1000 celly, and what I think is our first one with a mclaren driver. I have missed writing for this boy so much! this is also the first smut of 2024 if I'm not mistaken! we also aren't going to acknowledge that this has taken me like four days to write this...

You knew you were in love with Nico.

It was hard not to be, he had been your boyfriend for the last four and a half years and you didn't want anything more. When you were with Mclaren you met him when he was on a trip to Belgium you two met during a party. You had just won the first race of your career but the moment you saw him, the world all of a sudden didn’t matter to you. But by the end of the night you couldn’t get enough of him. 

Yet as your careers both got ahead of you and it meant that the only real time you found yourself together was a three week period where you were both off in the summer break. But after this year it felt awkward for you both. You were coming up to the Austin leg of the season and with that it meant that you were back in the states. It seemed that both of you let your careers take hold of your lives, so even though you had a week off you didn’t know if Nico wanted to spend the time with you. 

That was compounded by the fact that you guys had a stupid argument, and when Nico ended the call with how he thought it would have been best if you didn’t come in your week off.

Nico had been having a rough week so when the video came up of you and Lando being interviewed by a child, it was the cherry on top of the shit cake. Not even your FaceTime call could have taken him out of it “there you are love!” You smiled as you saw the picture connect “finally found some time away from Lando?” Nico grumbled as he hadn’t even finished the video when you called. 

Your face dropped as you furrowed your eyebrows “you okay?” You trailed off as it only seemed to piss him off further “why do you have to go get all flirty with your teammate?” The accusation made you freeze “okay back the fuck up hotshot.” You warned as you raised your hand signaling to him to stop. 

It wasn’t often that you two fought but after months without sex - or any variation of it - you were both frustrated “I did not flirt with my teammate or anyone because I’m in love with you!” You were close to hanging up as you glared at him “you’ve got a funny way of showing that.” Nico laughed as he shook his head. 

You were doing alright at the moment with your racing, many podiums and even a win in the season that could all but have been called Max’s. But with one DNF and one DNS coming right after each other, you were now stressed “look don’t make your team playing like shit right now my fault.” You grumbled not realizing that the comment had slipped out “if we’re so shit then maybe you shouldn’t come!” With that Nico hung up leaving you with the reflection of your shocked face. 

As much as you wanted to apologize for what you had said, you were still upset that he could have ever questioned how you felt about him. It was clear the entire world noted how both of you were currently struggling not only in your sports but also how you just seemed to be out of it. You missed your boyfriend but as fans would have you sign random pieces of devils merch as the announcement of your relationship upon your win in Austria two years ago came with a whole new group of fans. 

So when you were sat in the comfort of your hotel room and got the message from Jack asking if you wanted to come to a devs game before the race in Vegas, you knew you couldn’t say no. Not when this was attached. 

Jacky Hughes: he misses you, even if he won’t say it

The text made your heart break especially after you watched Nico get injured. The Prudential Center was a place you found comfort in but this time as you sat amongst the crowd all you wanted was him. Nico’s name was proudly stapled on your back as you were in his jersey and a plain black cap as though it was going to be enough to hide your identity. 

And it did until the final intermission just as the boys got back on the ice “she still not talking to you?” Nico had called you earlier that morning but as you were on your flight you had no way of answering it “I just miss her.” Timo couldn’t help but place his hand on the boys shoulder as he felt bad. 

More than half of the team knew that you were here and Timo decided he could no longer leave Nico in his misery “look up there.” Six rows up sat next to Ellen and Jim Hughes, was you. 

Nico felt his jaw drop as he locked eyes with you “hi.” You mouthed like he could even see what you were saying “love you.” Nico did the same thing as you as he placed his hand on his heart as you blew him a kiss. 

That final period everyone swore that there was a rocket under Nico’s ass as he scored two different goals, both of which you knew were dedicated to you as the boy would smirk in your direction. It seemed that both of you were ready to finally see each other but as he got one of the stars of the game it left you waiting with Jack “thank you for getting me here.” You smiled at the boy finally taking your cap off as you realized you weren’t hiding anymore. 

Jack brushed it off as it was more of a favour to the boys than something for you guys “just hope he behaves.” You had mentioned your apprehensions on coming because of how you two fought “have a feeing we both will.” You nodded as you watched Nico’s head stick out from the crowd “schatzi!” He called out acting as the cue that Jack needed to leave “have fun.” The boy patted your shoulder as he walked off to his parents. 

It was only a few seconds until Nico was in front of you “hi.” He smiled noticing how you fidgeted with your rings just like you used to when you guys first started dating “you played well tonight cap.” The nickname had his mind fulling with thoughts, all as inappropriate as the previous.

His hand locked with yours as he clicked his tongue wanting you to stop “I’m sorry I called your team shit.” You were the first to apologize as your voice was soft not wanting his teammates to hear you “let’s go talk in the car.” Nico offered as he slid his arm over your shoulders letting your rest your head against him. 

It had been a while since you were in New Jersey as your summer break was spent in Europe “how did you keep the boys quiet?” Nico asked as he locked his hand with yours over the center console “it was actually their idea.” You smiled revealing what the surprise was “Jack said you missed me.” You teased letting out a giggle as the boys cheeks turn red. 

Nico couldn’t help but nod as he sighed “you and Lando are good friends and I know you love me.” The hockey player had found himself repeating the apology that he tried so many times to send you “I seriously think you’re on a great team.” You hated how badly you spoke about the team when Nico stood by your side through everything “can we agree we were both wrong?” The air finally felt light as the car came to a stop when the light turned red. 

His eyes stared into yours as he swore that there was nowhere that he’d rather be “only if it means that I could kiss you.” Nico mumbled as it made you smile “never need to ask me that.” You shook your head as the boy dropped his head to the side as he let his lips touch yours. 

A fire built up in your belly as his hand grazed your cheek finally stopping as he tugged on your hair “Neek.” You moaned feeling him smirk against your lips “I know baby.” Nico sighed having to pull away as the car behind them hooted as the light went green “so fucking happy to have you back my sweet girl.” He mumbled letting his hand rest on your thigh as he smiled. 

Being captain of an NHL team came with a bunch of privileges. One that Nico never realized that he was meant to appreciate was an expensive apartment with a view that could have been worth a thousand bucks “this will never get old.” You gasped pressing your fingers against the glass as you watched New Jersey continue to move beneath you “feels great getting to watch you in it.” Nico’s breath fanned against your skin as the hairs on the back of your neck stood up. 

It was as though your entire body melted as his hands gripped at your hips “even in all of this?” You joked looking down to the fact that you were fully clothed “would prefer if you were just in this.” His fingers tugged at the jersey on your shoulders. 

All of a sudden an idea popped up in your mind “what’s stopping you pretty boy?” Your tongue darted out of your mouth as you turned to face him “you gonna let me?” Nico raised his eyebrows in surprise as he hooked his fingers in the belt hoops of your pants pulling you closer to him “you get whatever you want my little star.” You cooed pushing yourself onto your tippy toes as you wrapped your hands around his shoulders. 

Nico grinned as he swayed your hips against his “fuck I need you schatzi.” His groan was caught as your teeth grazed his lower lip “don’t make me wait.” The fight was now long forgotten as he undid your belt “god you’re soaked.” His eyes blew up at the sight of the wet patch on your panties. 

He helped you out of your pants “do something please.” You begged as his eyes had you feeling like he had you fully undressed “put your hands against the window then for me.” Nico moved your hair to the side of your neck. 

As you listened to his command his pants grew tight around his boner “looking so good tonight in my jersey.” The boy cooed as he turned his attention to the flesh of your ass squeezing your skin between his fingers “just tonight?” You held back a moan as you wiggled your ass in front of him desperate to get a reaction from the boy.

That behavior was cut as he lay a quick slap to your skin that was quickly followed by a soothing motion “you’ve got such a pretty ass.” He mumbled to himself picking up the band of your panties only to let it snap again as it made you jump “I need you Nico.” You begged letting the cool glass hit your forehead “you have me here schatzi.” His hand palmed your ass.

It made you whimper as your jaw went slack “need you to touch me.” Your tone was sultry as your body tensed “you just a cock hungry girl tonight?” The boy was amused as he took the time to unbuckle his belt as you bit your lip in anticipation “asked you a question pretty girl.” His voice pulled you from your focus as you turned your head to face him “want you baby.” Was all he needed to hear as he dropped his suit pants letting them hit the floor.

Nico missed this view as you practically oozed with anticipation “god I’ve missed this cunt” His fingers traced on the lace on your underwear before he hooked his fingers into the waistband leaving you nude from the waist down “you don’t have to wait much longer pretty boy.” You smirked hearing the gasp that left his lips as you knew that he was palming his cock.

The boy dragged its swollen head over your slit spreading his precum over your clit “don’t tease me please.” You begged as your knuckles turned white as your fingers tensed against the window “how do you think they would feel seeing how needy you are for me?” Nico teased as he kissed your neck as he slid his cock into your cunt “so big.” You gasped as the boy gave you a moment to let your walls stretch as his cock throbbed inside you “moove p-please.” You moaned feeling his hands squeeze your hips.

He felt his head drop back as you whimpered “let yourself scream f’me baby.” Nico nipped at your earlobe as it made you squirm “they can’t hear you from up here.” He reminded you of where you both were “you want people to watch you fuck-me!” You yelled the last part as Nico hit your ass once more.

Nico growled from behind you as he had gotten carried away by the fact that that you were still in his jersey “deserve to see who you belong to.” His possessiveness made you clench your cunt around him “you like it when I call you mine huh?” You nodded as you cried out “belong to you cap.” If Nico didn’t have so much planned for you he would have came on the spot but he used everything in his power to not coat the walls of your cunt in that moment.

The sound of skin slapping echoed in your ears as the sight of you in his jersey made his mouth water “hated thinking about those boys so close to you.” He grunted in your ear as his hands trailed up the inside of the jersey “you just look so fucking good in this.” As your hair was pushed to the side it had his name proudly displayed on your back.

You moaned as you nodded “’s all for you neeks.” You no longer seemed to care that you were against the window as your legs began to shake “I’m so close.” You announced as your hand trailed down to your clit as you began to rub at the sensitive nub.

As the boy realized what you were doing he swatted your hand away as he continued the assault on your clit “be a good girl and hold it f’me.” He clicked his tongue as he wanted to push you just a little bit further “i-i can’t.” You swore that tears were filling up your eyes as you whimpered “just a little bit longer.” He practically pleaded wanting to push you as close to the edge as he could.

Sweat made your hair stick to your skin “I need to-” your plead was short lived as he cut you off “let go for me.” Nico mumbled as his cock throbbed your body shook as you came “fuck fuck fuck!” You chanted as you pressed your head against his shoulder as your cunt clenched around him “there it is pretty girl.” Nico cooed as he kissed your temple as his orgasm came shortly after yours.

Nico watched your chest heaved as he slid his cock out of you “you were so good.” You mumbled turning to face him as you smiled “the night doesn’t have to end schatzi.” Nico cupped your cheeks as he pecked your lips “take me to your room cap.” He didn’t need to hear anymore as he threw you over his shoulder making you squeal as he laughed.

The door to his room shut and with that the rest of the events planned for you two weren’t going to be seen by New Jersey. Because as fun as that was, being tangled in the sheets was far more favourable.

[jamespotterismydaddy]

Sailor Boy

tom bennett x reader

A/N: i haven't actually watched the show but i had this idea and really wanted to write it

WARNINGS: smut!, tom is a little pushy, size kink (if you squint)

WORD COUNT: 1,416 words

The knock at your window frightens you. Your parents are only two doors down the hall but you can’t imagine who would be climbing up to your window at this ungodly hour. 

Then you hear it, his voice.

“Open up, love. It’s bloody freezing out here.”

It can’t be.

You rush to your window, opening it up wide to see Tom Bennett hanging on with a playboy grin on his face.

“Took you long enough.” He teases as he climbs inside. You throw your arms around him right away.

“I didn’t think you’d be back for months!” You exclaim in a whisper-shout. Your father never liked it when Tom was sneaking into your room.

“Well i’m back early, doll. Wanted to surprise you.” He murmurs into your hair as his arms squeeze around your waist. Nothing has ever felt quite as good as having you in his arms.

“That’s why you didn’t respond to my last letter?” You ask. “God, Tommy. You had worried out of my bloody mind.” You look at him with sorrow in your eyes. “I almost let myself think you were dead.”

“I’m sorry to frighten you, love. You know I never meant to, but i’m here now.” He strokes your cheek with the back of his two fingers. He clearly means it.

“I never knew how much I needed my best friend.” You say mournfully.

“Thought about you every day when I was gone.” He whispers.

His fingers trail up and down your waist. “I thought about you every day too.”

“I barely got back an hour ago, wanted you to be the first person I saw.” His words make a blush rise to your cheeks.

“Explains the sailor uniform. You clearly haven’t washed it in a while.” You tease.

“You gonna talk to someone who served your country like that? You should be thanking me for my service.” He says with mock self-righteousness. 

“Thank you.” You say nonchalantly.

“That's it? I think I deserve a bit more of a reward than that.” He says as a cheeky grin makes its way onto his face.

“What kinda reward are you wanting, soldier boy?” You ask, sensing his innuendo.

“Just a little kiss, doll.” He replies and you roll your eyes before quickly pecking his cheek.

“Happy?”

“I meant on the lips, darling. You knew that.” He lifts your chin up with his hand and brushes his thumb over your soft lips.

“Don’t…” You pull your head away and take a step back. “You know i’m not your girl, Thomas Bennett.” He always knows he’s in trouble when you use his full name like that. He hates when you’re upset with him… but he likes teasing you more.

“I just want one little kiss, then i’ll leave ya alone.” He gives you his best puppy-dog eyes with his baby blues.

“Then go down to the bar and pick a girl there.”

“I don’t wanna go down to the bar when I already got the prettiest girl in England right in front of me.” He places each of his hands on your waist as he gazes down at you.

“You shouldn’t be such a flirt with your closest friend.” You murmur.

“You shouldn’t deny a navy-man his one wish after coming back from war.” He returns.

“We both know you won’t stop at one kiss.”

“I will if that’s what you really want.”

You think on his words for a moment, nibbling on your lip that he’s so desperate to taste.

“One kiss.”

He grins and you before pulling you closer with his strong hands and then lifting one so he can guide your head until your lips meet his. It’s nothing of an innocent peck. No, this kiss is much more. He pushes his tongue past your lips and in your hazy state, you weren’t stopping him. Tom knows he might not get another chance like this so he kisses you with all the passion he can muster, hoping that it keeps you coming back for more… but it all ends too soon when you push him away gently, just enough so he gets the idea.

“What’s wrong?” He asks in a low, almost drowsy tone.

“You promised.”

“I did… but I can tell you wanna kiss me more.” He looks at you with such desire in his eyes.

“I won’t be another notch on your belt, Tommy.” You say firmly.

“A notch on my belt? Is that what you think?” He looks at you, clearly upset. “Do you not know how much you mean to me?”

“You just… sleep with a lot of girls.”

“I don’t only want to sleep with you, love. You’re so much more to me than that. I wanna make you my girl.” He says earnestly, looking you right in the eyes as he speaks.

“But I just thought-”

“Doll, your letters were the only thing keeping me sane when I was away. A girl like you is no one night stand.”

“You really mean that?”

“Of course I do. Is that why you’ve never let me kiss you before?”

You feel yourself blush even harder. “Yeah.” Your eyes fall to the floor but he lifts your chin back up right away.

“Let me show me how much I love you.”

He waits for a moment until you finally nod. He then closes the space between your lips and kisses you with just as fervour as before. You whine into his mouth as his hands squeeze at your waist and before you know it, one of those hands is sliding up your skirt. You let out a gasp as he begins to rub you through the thin fabric of your panties. You never knew a man could bestow such pleasure.

“Mmm, Tommy.” You whimper out.

“You like that, pretty girl?” He rubs your pearl a little more firmly now. “Why don’t you take those panties off and lie on your bed for me?”

You climb back on your bed quickly and he smirks at your eagerness. You pull your panties off from under your nightgown and he lifts the hem of the garment so he can see your glistening cunny.

“Knew you wanted it.” He smirks before beginning to rub your pearl directly now. As he does, he uses his other hand to free himself from his trousers. His fingers slip inside of you now as he starts stroking his cock.

“I want you, Tommy… all of you.” No other words could have been more perfect for him to hear.

“This is your first time, right?” He asks slowly as he lines up with your entrance. 

You nod.

“I’ll be real gentle with you then.” He coos, pressing a kiss to your lips as he slides in. It does sting ever so slightly but nothing akin to pain even with how big he is.

“You can um… continue.” He laughs when you can’t seem to find the words.

“I’ll take good care of you, doll.” He murmurs as he starts to thrust in and out of you.

You’ve never felt anything quite like it before. You’ve pleasured yourself with your fingers before but it’s never felt this good. He seems to hit every spot inside of you that needs attention.

“You feel so good squeezing around me like that.” He praises as he picks up the pace. It feels like he’s fucking into you even deeper now.

“I like it, Tommy.” You whine.

“I knew you would, baby.” He presses fluttering kisses to your neck that contrast very nicely with how he’s pounding into you. He goes back to rubbing your pearl, wanting you to get as close to your peak as he is.

“I think i’m gonna…” You breathe out.

“Do it, darling. Cum for me.” He says and immediately notices how your walls contract around him. 

He fucks your hard through your high, until your squirming beneath him, and then finally pulls out to cum on your tummy, just below where your nightgown rests.

“You did such a good job for me. Made me feel so good.” He whispers as he collapses on top of you. You start to run your fingers through his hair. As much as you would like to savour this moment, you know you can’t.

“My parents will be up soon, Tommy. I can’t imagine how they’d react if they saw the state of us right now.”

“Five more minutes.” He grumbles into your chest.

You sigh. “Fine… five more minutes.”

taglist (comment to be added):General: @valeskafics @urmomsgirlfriend1 @girlwith-thepearlearring @darylandbethfanforever9 @lovellies @juhdoche @papichulo120627 @watercolorskyy @ophelialaufey @aerangi @ravenclawprincess33

[delicateflowerss]

Don't Worry, Darling: Eight

After marrying the love of your life, Rafe Cameron, you thought you couldn't be happier. But when a murder shakes the island, you learn you don't know your husband as well as you thought. When does Paradise become Hell?

Warnings: 18+, NON-CON, forced pregnancy, mentions of drugging, choking, vomiting, mentions of murder, dark!Rafe, mentions of a gun, mention of drugs, kook!reader, non-canon ages

Just one more chapter! Excited to be getting near the end, enjoy <3

Word Count: 3k

Series Masterlist

Ice cold fingers dig into the searing heat of your skin. His hold on your neck is tight, making you gasp for air as his hand has the strength to stop you from breathing all together.

You can feel his weight on top of you, more suffocating than him choking you to death. He pushes himself inside you, over and over again. You want to stop him, but it’s impossible for you to use your breath to say anything.

Sandalwood hangs heavy in the air, mixing with his musk. Through the darkness, you can’t make out your assailant.

You want to call out, not only to stop him, but to get help from the first person your mind can think of. The man you still feel instinctively safe with.

Except, the man above you finally speaks. He tries to comfort you, soothing you from how he’s hurting you.

And then you realize that the man raping you and the man you are trying to find refuge in are the same.

You open your mouth to scream but instead you’re ripped from the nightmare, waking up with a gasp on your lips.

You look around your dark bedroom, only to find your husband sleeping soundly beside you.

You stare at him for a moment, the nightmare still floating around in your head.

You’re not sure whether the nightmare was tapping into your fears only located in your subconscious, or if it truly meant something.

It’s been about a week since you found out you’re pregnant. The news turned your world upside down. After you left the doctor’s office, you just sat in your car awhile, not stopping the tears from falling.

You thought about what it means for your life now and how it could’ve even happened. Even before the disarray with Rafe, you didn’t want a baby just yet.

So, with everything happening…how can you bring a baby into this mess?

But you knew how upset Rafe would be if you told him, you didn’t want the baby.

And all you’ve been doing for the last few weeks is trying not to upset him.

So, when he got home from work that day, you gave him the news.

He didn’t say anything at first and you worried that you got it wrong. That maybe he changed his mind, and a baby would only add to the stress.

Then, the corners of his mouth turned up into a smile. He kissed you and you could tell he was elated about it.

But it faltered when he noticed that your mood didn’t exactly match his.

“I just thought we were being careful,” you told him.

You were sitting on a dining room chair, your hands in your lap. He bent down to look at you better, his hands gently finding yours.

“We were,” he said as a matter of fact. “But accidents happen. And I mean, we haven’t really been able to keep our hands off each other lately,” he added with a smirk.

He hasn’t been able to keep his hands off you, he means.

“What matters is we’re going to have a baby. We’re finally going to be a family.” He couldn’t hide his excitement even if he tried.

You couldn’t help but feel a warmth in your chest at his words. But as you looked into his eyes, trepidation filled yours.

Even now as you watch his chest rise and fall in his sleep, the feeling that he’s lying is one you can’t ignore any longer.

Before you can think about it anymore, you can feel your stomach twist into knots, bile starting to rise.

You jump out of bed and run to the bathroom, spilling the contents of your stomach into the toilet.

You’re not sure how much longer you can bear this sickness. You’re told it should only last the first trimester, but it could last the whole pregnancy if you’re unlucky.

You don’t hear him walk up behind you, but you feel the comforting weight of his hand on your back as he rubs circles into your shirt.

Even if you wanted to, you don’t think you have the strength to push him away.

The phone call came unexpectedly.

It’s true that you got behind on editing for clients. But you thought you were okay. You were just starting to get back into finishing them.

You were actually making yourself a snack before resuming your work on a new book. But now there’s no reason to keep going.

“They’re called deadlines for a reason, Y/N.” Your boss’s voice rings out.

“I know, and I apologize, Mr. Samuels. It’s just a lot has been going on lately and…I recently found out that I’m pregnant.”

You can hear him sigh.

“I’m sorry, Y/N. But you knew from the beginning how important it is to meet deadlines, especially with how fast paced things are in the publishing world.”

You want to stop the words from coming out of his mouth, but you can’t. All you can do is listen.

“We have to let you go. I’m sorry. I wish you the best with the baby,” he says before hanging up.

Rafe finds you on the couch, still crying, even hours later.

He says your name with worry and fear.

Not even a moment later, he’s trying to wipe your tears away.

“What’s wrong? Did something happen?”

All you can do is shake your head as you sit up.

“Baby, you gotta tell me what’s wrong,” he tries again.

You sniffle as you try to blink away anymore tears.

“They fired me,” you finally say, as if your mouth is filled with glue, struggling to get the words out.

He keeps his gaze away from you, putting a hand on your knee, trying to soothe you yet again.

You wonder if you’ll ever get sick of it.

Maybe you already are.

“Did they say why?”

Now it’s your turn to look somewhere else. You bite your lip instead of answering.

Rafe sighs before telling you, “Maybe this is a good thing.”

He gets your attention with those words. He immediately continues at your furrowed brow.

“All that work and stress isn’t good for the baby. Now you’ll have more time to relax.”

It takes you a moment to realize what he’s saying.

You scoff, “you’ve never liked me working. I’m sure this makes you happy.”

“No,” he argues. “I’m just trying to see the bright side of this, Y/N.”

You close your eyes, trying to steady your breathing. There’s no point in fighting with him about this. It’s not like this is his fault.

So, you just nod.

“I’m going to start dinner. You’re probably hungry.”

That’s all you say before leaving the room.

You thought the chaos would end there. You’ve been dealt one blow after another. So, maybe it was naïve for you to think things could ever calm down.

It starts with a segment on the news.

You had the TV on while you were vacuuming, barely able to hear the voices over the loud noise of cleaning the rug.

But when you catch a glimpse of the floating words under the reporter, you can feel your heart sink to your stomach.

You fumble as you try to turn off the vacuum as fast as you can before turning up the TV.

“The only information we have as of right now is a body was found earlier today, spotted by local fishermen. Based on eyewitness reports, it is a male in his mid to late twenties. Kildare County Police Department is refusing to comment at this time. We hope to…”

You almost end up puking on the rug you just cleaned, but you’re able to run to the kitchen. The poison spills from your lips into the sink.

You’re not sure when the tears started, but your retching turns into sobs as you collapse onto the floor.

You’re going to jail for helping to cover up a murder and all you can think about is what your parents will think.

The whole island will know what a horrible human being you are.

Anyone you have ever loved will never look at you the same.

Besides Rafe, you suppose.

Why doesn’t your love for him have any boundaries?

If only it did, you wouldn’t be throwing your whole life away.

This whole time you thought you were scared of Rafe, but really, you’re scared of your love for him.

He has a hold on you that made it so easy for you to throw away your morals, choosing his violence over your peace.

You barely hear him get home, closing the front door like he’s afraid someone will burst in at any second.

He’s off early from work, but you wouldn’t know that since you haven’t left your spot on the cold kitchen floor.

You don’t notice the guilt that washes over his face when he sees you because it’s gone as quickly as it’s there.

“We have to go, Y/N,” he says while reaching his arms out, trying to get you off the floor.

You ignore him, sobs still erupting from you.

“We’re going to jail, Rafe. They know. They know everything…”

Another gut-wrenching cry falls from your lips as your eyes screw shut.

“That’s why we gotta leave, alright?”

He’s finally able to pull you off the floor, guiding you upstairs with a tight grip.

“We’re gonna get out of this, baby. Just stop crying, please,” he placates.

You’re finally able to calm yourself down, a sob still trying to get free every now and then.

You realize what he’s doing when he starts throwing clothes into an empty suitcase.

“Are you just going to stand there or are you going to pack?” His appeasing tone is gone, irritation replacing it.

It takes you a moment to find your voice.

“Rafe, what are you doing? We can’t leave.”

“What other choice do we have?”

You follow him into his office.

“I’m not spending the rest of our lives running. Especially when we’ll have a baby soon.”

You try to convince him to change his mind.

He doesn’t stop to look at you, rummaging through the drawers of his desk. Your mouth twists up when a small bag of coke falls onto the wooden surface.

As much as it upsets you, it almost makes you nostalgic for a time when Rafe’s addiction was the only dark cloud lingering over your relationship.

Now, there’s too many to count.

“Flush it,” he demands, pointing to the bag.

You have to stop yourself from rolling your eyes before you trudge over to grab it.

At least Rafe knows he can’t bring that with him.

You don’t want to have to say goodbye to your life, to the island you’ve always called home.

But you really don’t want to go to prison.

You’re still standing there, staring out your bathroom window after the drugs are long gone, flushed down the toilet.

It hits you how much you want your parents, wishing they could swoop in and fix everything like they could when you were a child.

It also hits you that the human growing inside you will expect the same thing from you and Rafe one day.

Except, you know they deserve so much better than what either of you could offer.

A thunderous noise echoes throughout the house, followed by a man’s voice.

You can still hear him yelling when you run to find Rafe.

“What are you doing?” you yell, seeing him loading a gun.

“They’re coming for us.”

“Are you stupid? You’re going to get yourself killed.”

You could hear them pounding on the door. They’re coming in any second, you know it.

You gently grab his wrist.

“Just do the right thing for once. Rafe, please,” you lightly say.

You stare into his blue eyes, and it feels like time has stopped, stretched thin before the inevitable happens.

His jaw ticks and you think he’s not going to listen to you.

But as the door bursts open, he drops the gun onto his desk.

He gives you a quick but bruising kiss before he steps into the hallway.

Everything that comes after is a blur.

The police let him walk downstairs, their guns pointed at him before cuffing him.

Not only do they arrest him, taking him to a police car. But they have a search warrant. They’re allowed to look anywhere they want to. Men you’ve never met before get to go through your things, creating a mess in their trail.

At least they don’t arrest you.

You expect them to, but instead they ask you tons of questions. You tell them how Rafe came home early from work, frantic about needing to leave. You were confused as he wouldn’t tell you anything.

You decide to feign ignorance. That’s a better way of saying you lie right to their faces.

But you’re not just protecting yourself anymore.

Now you wait at the police station, leg shaking and fingers fidgeting with the light sweater you have on.

You can hear Ward and his lawyer speaking to Shoupe, voices being raised every once in a while.

They’re charging Rafe with first-degree murder. As of right now, only for Jake’s murder. They still don’t have enough evidence to charge him with Chase’s, but you wouldn’t be surprised if they found something soon.

They booked him in the county jail where he’ll be until his trial. Unless Ward can negotiate bail.

You thought something like this happening would ease your guilt about the situation. But instead, you feel more lost than you have in a while.

Can you really spend the rest of your life without Rafe? Raise his child all on your own.

You hear a door open, and slam shut, Ward leaving the sheriff’s office with a look of annoyance.

He sits in the chair next to you, brushing his forehead with his hand before turning to you with a forced tight-lipped smile.

“How you holdin’ up?”

All you do is nod, giving him a tight-lipped smile back.

“We’re working on bailing him out. It might take a while, but we’ll do our best so he’s home before the trial.”

You decide it’s best not to say anything, unsure of whether you want Rafe away from you or with you. It’s been a battle of these feelings for the longest time now.

You just want it to stop.

“From what I can tell, the only thing they have on him is the weapon. All the DNA on the body was washed away in the ocean,” he explains.

He glances at you from the corner of his eye like he’s waiting for you to say something.

His casualty almost makes it seem like he’s aware that you’ve known about the murders longer than just today.

You’re not sure if it has to do with your calmness about the situation or if Rafe told him. If it is your calmness to blame, it’s really defeat that it’s being mistaken for.

“Thanks, Ward,” you quietly say. “I’m sure Rafe would appreciate this.”

“Well, it’s not just about Rafe. It’s about you too.”

You stare at him with a question in your eyes as you can feel your heart start to beat faster.

Is this about you helping Rafe?

“I want you to know you’re taken care of. That I always look out for my family. And you’re family, now more than ever.”

You squint your eyes still not understanding.

“Rafe told me you’re pregnant.”

You move your eyes to your lap before replying, “oh. We were going to wait to tell you.”

“I know,” he immediately says. “I know. I was supposed to act surprised when you told the family.” He chuckles a little. “But given the situation…”

He swallows, looking away for a second.

“I just know how much you need him right now. And whatever happens…I want you to know that I’m here for you. Rose is here for you. We’re all here for you.” He pauses, sincerity filling his eyes.

“I don’t want to say it, but if things don’t go the way we want with Rafe, I know leaving may seem like a good idea. But that baby is a light that will brighten the darkness that surrounds us now. We all need it. Even Rafe,” he adds.

Sometimes when you talk to Ward, it feels like he knows what you’re thinking.

Some people might like that. But not you.

You understand he’s Rafe’s father, but the fact that Rafe already told him about you being pregnant doesn’t sit right with you.

What else have they been talking about?

“It’s getting late. You should get home, get some rest. I’ll figure things out. I’ll get him home to you, Y/N.”

“Yes. Thank you, Ward. Try and get some rest too,” you tell him with a sweet smile that drops when you leave his sight.

When you get home, it looks like a tornado has been through it. All the time you’ve spent keeping it looking good has now been ruined by a bunch of men in uniforms.

You decide to ignore it all and go right to your bedroom, hoping to get the rest that your father-in-law was talking about.

When you see the state of it, you end up dropping your purse on the floor with a heavy sigh.

There is no rest in sight for you.

You start to tidy things up, putting clothes back in drawers, and fixing the pillows on the bed.

When the room looks clean enough, you head to the bathroom, finding everything scattered on the counter.

You quickly begin to put things back in drawers and in the medicine cabinet.

Until your thumb catches on a loose label on one of the pill bottles.

You think it’s one of the drugs that Rafe was prescribed a little while ago for headaches. But the label with the name of the drug is peeling back, another label under it.

You tear it off, brow furrowing when you see a name of a drug you don’t recognize. You find your phone and search up the name.

You can’t stop your bottom lip from trembling when you read what it’s for.

Why does Rafe need pills that put you to sleep, leaving you foggy and with possible memory-loss.

And why was he hiding it?

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Let me know if you want to be added or removed from the taglist for this series!

[lil-binuu]

˖⁺‧₊𝐍𝐨𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐛𝐨𝐲𝐟𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐝

PART II ₊‧⁺˖

Resolving things with Elias

1290 words

part 1

buckle up for the ride!

“Hey.”

You turned around, a key in your hand as you closed up the cafe.

“Elias, hey.”

You hadn’t spoken to each other in a couple days. You understood that Elias needed to take a break after the argument. You both needed to.

You hadn’t reached out to him at all, you thought it would be better to let him take as much time as he needed without bothering him. Still, you hoped he knew how sorry you were.

“How was work?”

“Uh, Good… How were your lectures?”

You spoke slowly. Almost trying to process the conversation that was so different from your last. Almost trying to savour the conversation as it might be your last.

“Yeah, good. I- I wanted to talk to you. Wanna ride?” He gestured to the motorcycle behind him.

“Sure.”

There was something in you so relieved to see Elias. He seemed okay; that meant he hopefully was. If he’s willing to speak to you, does that mean he’s willing to move on?

The bike ride with Elias was the most comfort you had since the argument. But there was still a pit in your stomach as you wrapped your arms around his waist and rested your head against his back.

You wanted to hold him so tight but you knew that if you did, you might not be able to let go.

He stopped at a park. You had come here before to stargaze together. A moment so sweet that it made your tongue bitter at the thought of it never happening again.

Taking a seat at a bench, admiring the orange streaks across the sky.

“How have you been?” He asked earnestly.

“It’s.. “ You stopped yourself. You couldn’t lie to him. “It’s been.. tough.”

Elias nodded.

“Same here.”

He reached out a hand.

“Maybe it doesn’t have to be anymore.”

His palm grazed the top of your hand. Threading his fingers to intertwine with yours.

You met his eyes.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean that I have serious feelings for you and I made a mistake by holding them back. But I don’t want to let one mistake screw everything else up.”

His eyes didn’t break away from yours for a second.

Elias continued, “You hurt me. Seeing you flirt with someone else, that hurt. I mean, you told me that I was being possessive-”

“I didn’t mean it.” You cut in.

“I know. And I also know that you didn’t do it to hurt me. You did it to get my attention. The only thing I want to know is, why didn’t you just talk to me?”

Why?

Why didn’t you talk to him? Why did you go out of your way to get close to someone just to make the person you like jealous? Knowing that it could hurt him?

To be honest, you didn’t even know.

“You know you can talk to me right? It’s important to have conversations about us, about committing to each other and about a future together.”

Wait… are you kidding me?

Was Elias really going to sit there and tell you it was your fault for not initiating a conversation when he didn’t either? He was the one who let you believe he wasn’t even serious about you and yet it’s your fault for not addressing it properly?

“You were doing the same. You were also avoiding those conversations with me. You made me think that you were just messing around and wasting my time.”

“Wasting your time? You think that being with me is a waste of time?”

“Elias, I’m not ‘with’ you. I’m just here. It’s been.. how many months of sleeping together? And yet we haven’t even moved past the ‘talking stage’.”

Elias was silent for a moment, breathing heavily. This was clearly not how he wanted the conversation to go. But you had to talk about things. You were sick of just burying them and pretending they didn’t matter.

“I.. I wanted to ask you to be my partner. Make things official…. But this isn’t how I wanted our relationship to start…”

“I’m sorry, Elias, I really am, but I can’t just forget these feelings and pretend I didn’t feel them just because you decided to man up and ask me to date you.”

“Man up? Y/n, I’ve always wanted to date you, I just wanted to make sure that what I was doing was right and that you wanted it as well.”

“And by doing that..” Your voice grew softer as the emotion began to fill your throat and well up in your eyes. “You made me feel like I wasn’t good enough for you. Like- Like you were just waiting around to get rid of me because I wasn’t what you wanted in a partner or..or something..”

You looked away from Elias. Leaning back and looking out at the darkening sky.

Neither of you said anything, your confession hanging in the air and dampening the space between you.

His hand that once had retreated, came back to rest on yours.

“I’m sorry you felt that way.”

You looked back at him, tears burning your eyes.

“You mean ‘I’m sorry I made you feel that way’?”

Elias pulled his hand away from yours, becoming defensive.

“No, I didn’t make you feel that way, you felt that way by yourself-”

“Well I wouldn’t have felt that way if you made me feel like I was actually worth something in your life.”

“Oh like how you made me feel like I was controlling and toxic? That I was possessive, and jealous all while you were flirting with a stranger in my face!”

You both fell silent again.

“I don’t know what I was thinking..” You said softly.

“Yeah, and I don’t know what I was thinking by bringing you here.”

Elias got up, and walked around the bench towards his motorcycle.

“So you’re just gonna walk off like last time? Leaving things unresolved so that in a couple days you can show up and we can argue again?”

“Get on the bike. I’m taking you home.” Elias had lowered his voice. He was done arguing.

You got up, frustrated.

“And leave again? Where will you run off to? To sleep with your side-piece?”

Elias stopped, putting his helmet down, and stepping closer to you.

“I’m not the one who flirted with someone else.”

You didn’t say anything.

“Doesn’t mean I wasn’t worried about you.”

You said in a mutter, not even sure if you wanted Elias to hear you.

It didn’t matter anyway, you didn’t get a response.

The bike ride was different than before. Earlier, you had wrapped your arms around his waist and hoped you two could work things out for the better. Now, you wrapped your arms around his waist and felt nothing but empty.

When Elias pulled up outside your apartment building, you went straight in, not saying a word to Elias.

“What are you doing?”

You asked as you noticed him on the stairs behind you.

“I’m making sure you get in alright.” He replied.

“I didn’t know you still cared.”

“I never said I didn’t care.”

“But you made me feel that way.”

Elias sighed heavily, a pang of emotion hitting him. It was the little arguments that hurt the most.

And the truth is, he knew you were right. He had been so absorbed in everything else that he put his relationship with you on fucking standby.

“Fine then.”

He turned around, walking back out the building. You made it clear you didn’t want him there. That was all he needed to leave.

He pulled his helmet back on and revved the engine.

He almost didn’t hear your scream.

note: i promise i really tried to make it fluffy and romantic and make them work it out but it’s just not in me guys >.<

[wheelsupimagine]

Meant to be -Spencer Reid x Fem!reader

Pairing: Spencer Reid x FemReader

Word count: 3.2k words

Warnings: mentions of s3 e16 and s4 e24, angst and fluff

Summary: A case reminded Spencer of his past and you the only friend he had in high school, what if one day you two meet again in DC.

Being a resident genius had its favors, the team bets everything on him and he could always retrieve this but this case was different, it was difficult it got personal.

His edict memory is a blessing but not when a case like this reminded him of his past - Alexa Lisbon.

Then he wished he could forget everything for once in his life, but he will always remember.

When Spencer stepped out of the plane, he felt like he could breathe again, but his mind still raced - this case was an emotional roller coaster for him and the best way for Spencer to calm down was to go to his favorite bookstore.

The moment Spencer stepped into the bookstore he felt relieved, the familiar smell of old books and fresh coffee felt like home and no other person was in sight.

"Hey Spencer though case?!" Miranda the owner of the shop asked.

"Hey Miranda, yeah it was."

"Okay, your coffee will be ready in a bit, the bookstore is almost empty just one more person is here."

Spencer nodded but he was surprised that someone else would be here at this time still Spencer didn’t let himself bother knowing he would probably not even find this person.

Spencer left Miranda and made his way deeper into the bookstore. He was so invested in finding a new book, that he totally forgot about his coffee till he heard his name being called.

"Spencer Reid?" A stranger called his name

He turned his head and then he saw you.

Y/N Y/L/N.

What Spencer didn’t tell Derek was, who got him down from the goalpost back then - it was y/n, after that night you two spent more time together - Spencer could always come to you, and you two never talked about his problems and struggles because when he was with you it didn’t matter, once or twice he talked with you about his mom but mostly he just enjoyed your company and felt like a decent kid with a friend.

When he graduated high school, he never looked back but after 14 years you stand now in front of him right here in this bookstore in DC.

"Miranda asked me if I could bring you your coffee before it gets cold." You said and pointed at his coffee in your hand.

"My god Spencer, I can’t believe it’s you." You continued.

"Thank you y/n." Spencer took the coffee from you.

"It’s been a while, you look good by the way."

Spencer blushed, but he didn’t say anything back.

"Ähm yeah it was nice to see you again, I don’t want to bother much longer." As you attempted to leave, Spencer stopped you.

"Actually I could use some company if you like… Only if you want to obviously, I would understand if you don’t want to…" Spencer

rambled, but you stopped him.

"I would love to keep you company Spencer."

You two sat down and drank your coffee and talked. Spencer found out that you moved here two years ago because you got a job offer at the Walter Reed hospital and nothing held you in Las Vegas. Spencer talked to you about his job in the FBI, you asked him about Diana and it surprised him that you still knew her name, you two had a great time together until you caught Spencer off guard.

"Spencer, how are you really? You have very dark circles under your eyes."

"I…I haven’t slept really, it was this case that reminded me of something in the past." Spencer sighed and didn’t dare to look you in the eyes.

You knew where his mind went, you rubbed Spencer’s arm.

"But look at you now, these High school jerks and Alexa are definitely regretting this now." You looked at your clock.

"Hey Spencer it’s getting late, I have to wake up early and honestly you need some sleep too."

Spencer's mimic changed from happy to sad in one motion.

"Oh, I understand. Yeah yeah, you should leave you need your sleep." Spencer took his distance from you, thinking you wanted to leave because you already had enough of him.

"Spencer hey, if you want we can exchange phone numbers so we could meet again."

Spencer’s lips curved into a smile.

"Yeah, I would like that."You exchanged numbers and you both left the shop together.

Sadly you two had to split ways, Spencer insisted on walking you home but you promised him that it wouldn’t even take 10 minutes till you were home. Spencer started rambling about unsafety and what everything could happen in 10 minutes.

"Wow, now I might think I have to stay with you forever." You joked

but Spencer was stunned and it caused his cheeks to turn slightly pink.

"I just made a joke Dr. Reid, okay. Would you feel better if I wrote you when I made it home save in 10 minutes?" You asked him.

"This would make it slightly better. But.."

"But?" You asked confused.

"You lied," Spencer said.

"What?"

"You first said you would be home in less than 10 minutes now it’s exactly 10 minutes." Spencer smiled and you laughed.

"Come home safe Dr. Reid."You smiled and turned around making your way home.

When Spencer arrived home, he thought about going to bed immediately but you crossed his mind again and when he looked at his phone he saw that you hadn’t wrote him yet. So instead of getting in his pyjamas he sat on his couch and waited for your text.

After 10 minutes and 45 seconds, you texted him letting him know you made it home safe.

Spencer:You are too late.

Y/n:What?!

Spencer:You are exactly 45 seconds too late. Next time I call the FBI.

Y/n:haha. I am so sorry dr Reid, I changed into my pajamas first.

Y/n:You didn’t need to stay awake for me

Spencer:But I wanted to make sure that you save.

Y/n:Thank you Spencer but you also need to sleep.

Spencer:Good night Y/n sleep well.

Y/n:Sleep well genius.

Over the last few months, Spencer and you met at the bookstore when your jobs allowed it. Otherwise, you two stay connected through messages and phone calls. Even the team noticed a shift in Spencer’s mood and as the man Derek is he asks him about it.

"Hey, pretty boy, who’s got you on the phone like this?"

"What do you mean, I use my phone like I always do."

"No boy wonder, for someone who rarely uses his phone in his free time, you are really caught up in it now." Derek laughed.

"Is pretty boy in love?" Derek asked and wiggled with his brows.

"Derek please can you leave it, it’s nothing," Spencer answered and didn’t dare to look Derek in the eyes.

"Okay Spencer, I let it slide for now but just so you know I care about you and if there is someone in your life that makes you happy, I just want to know."

Paperwork days for Spencer were never a problem, he accepted it cause it needed to be done but now with you in his life, he loved paperwork because it meant he wasn’t away on a case and with you having the morning shift, it gave you two the chance to meet up after work and he enjoyed your time together, he feels like he can be like himself with you and he hasn’t laughed so much since he met you.

But your jobs didn't allow this too much, either you had the night shift or Spencer was out of town for a case and he hated this, he hated when you weren’t around, he hated it when you two were in the same city but didn’t get to see each other and even though he loves his job, he couldn’t wait to come home, to see you - he missed you.

Cases also mean for him that he barely has time to call you.

Currently, Spencer has been away for a week already, this case going longer than he thought it would take, Spencer lay on his motel bed and tried to find the breakthrough for the case but nothing came to his mind.

He put the papers aside and looked at the clock, it wasn’t too late in DC yet, and he was unsure if he should call you, it’s nothing you usually do so that Spencer could stay focused on the case but honestly, he needed to hear your voice tonight, so he tried to call you hoping you aren’t already asleep.

"Spencer? Is everything okay?" Your voice sounds raw.

"Hey, yeah everything is okay. Did I wake you up? I am so sorry, I really didn’t mean to, it was a stupid idea to call you, you obviously slept, and your voice sounds raw. I should-."

"Spencer, breath, everything is fine. I didn’t sleep, I - I just rolled around, I was thinking about you."

Spencer was stunned by your confession, he stayed silent but his heart was beating very fast.

"So yeah, what’s on your mind, Spencer?" You asked breaking the silence.

"We don’t come forward with the case and I...I wanted to hear your voice." Spencer confessed.

"Sometimes it takes more time to find the perpetrator but the only thing that matters is that you will find him. I miss you but please stay safe there."

"I will y/n, I promise."

"Hey, Spencer."

"Yes, y/n."

"Why don’t we meet when you come back, we could order takeout and make a movie marathon at my place nothing fancy." You suggested.

"Yeah, yeah I would like that."

"Good, I will see you soon, good night Spencer."

"Good night y/n."

A few days later the team finally caught the unsub.

As the team flew back to Virginia, Spencer wrote you to let you know that he would land in the late afternoon and asked you if you two wanted to have the movie marathon tonight which you accepted.

Spencer didn’t even realize that he smiled like an idiot until Derek pulled him out of his thoughts.

"You pretty boy what got your smile like that?" Derek asked Spencer.

"Uh n-no-nothing," Spencer said but his cheeks turned 10 times darker every second.

"Sureee Spencer."

Spencer didn’t say anything.

"Hey Spencer," Derek said.

"Yeah."

"It’s good to see you like this," Derek replied. He left Spencer alone with his thoughts, he couldn’t wait to see you tonight.

Spencer arrived at your apartment complex 10 minutes too early, he first waited in his car, drumming his fingers on his bouncing leg, trying to calm himself down but he failed miserably, so he stood in front of your door 7 minutes and 43 seconds too early but it was okay, in that time he tried to get his breath under control.

But before Spencer got his breath under control, you already opened the door.

"Man, I thought you would never knock at my door." You greeted him.

"How-how did you know I stood in front of your door?" Spencer asked.

"I saw you parking your car 5 minutes ago, I waited for you.”

"Oh yeah I didn’t want to be late here but I also didn’t want to be too early, I didn’t know if you were ready yet," Spencer explained.

"It’s okay Spencer but next time just knock you could never be annoying to me, even if you're too early you can sit on my couch like right now."

"I will quickly make the popcorn, you can look for a movie we could watch." You suggested and Spencer sat down and looked for a good movie to watch that you also liked, when you returned with the popcorn and other snacks, you sat down next to him but not too close, Spencer still didn’t decide what to watch.

"I-I don’t know what to watch, movies that I like are mostly not the type from others," Spencer admitted.

"Okay mhm, what do you think of Star Trek?"

"What?!" Spencer was completely shocked.

"Ähm okay was that a bad request?"

"No, no it’s- it’s great actually, I love it, I didn’t think you would like these types of movies," Spencer admitted.

"I am full of surprises Spencer."

So you watched the Star Trek series and after some time you both fell asleep, no one knows who fell asleep first maybe it was you or him but for sure was that you both bumped your heads, after a phone went off - it was Spencer’s.

"I’m sorry, I’ve got a case, is your head okay?"

"Yeah, yeah is there enough time for coffee or do you have to leave immediately?"

"No, it looks really important I have to leave now, but at least the case is here."

"Okay, good luck, be safe."

"I will be." As Spencer was about to leave he turned around once more.

"Hey y/n?"

"Yes, Spencer."

"I had a lot of fun last night."

"Me too, maybe we couldn’t do it again sometime?"

"I would love to, bye y/n."

"See you soon doctor, come home to me in one piece."

Just when the door felt shut, your phone started ringing, it was the hospital.

"Hey, y/n. Is it possible for you to fill in today, maya is sick."

"Yeah sure, I am on my way."

Spencer just visited Abby one of the remaining survivors, in the middle of their conversation Abby got aphasia, which scared Spencer, this stain kills people in a short amount of time and right now he couldn’t do anything.

Then he thought about you, and he had the urge to talk to you, even though he may get in trouble for this he needed to know you were okay.

"Spencer, is everything okay?" You said quite in panic.

"Yeah, yeah sure why wouldn’t it be… I.. I just wanted to hear your voice and I wanted to know if you are okay."

"Everything is okay, besides I have to work today."

"What !! I thought it was your free day?"

"Yeah, change in plans, one of my colleagues is sick and they asked me to fill in, but it’s fine, it’s a quiet day." You lied to Spencer, nothing was quiet on this day.

Hey, Spencer, it looks like I’ve got to go out there again. Look out for yourself and maybe if you’d like we could out soon.. like on a real date, maybe?"

"..I would like it, yeah, that would be great."

"Good, stay safe Spencer. Bye"

"Goodbye, Y/n. Take care of yourself. See you soon."

You both hung up with a smile and at least forgot the scary situation for a few seconds, before you got out again and took care of the anthrax-infected patients.

Spencer and Derek made their way to Nichols a possible suspect in the anthrax case. When they arrived Spencer had cut himself briefly on the thorn bush but it didn't stop him and continued to walk with Derek closer to the house.

Before Morgan and Reid entered Nichols's private lap, Derek got a phone call, Reid made his way into the lab and left Derek behind.

As Derek ended the call, he realized Spencer was not behind him. Derek ran towards the house calling for Reid and just when he arrived at the house, Spencer closed the door from the lab and told Derek he couldn’t get in there just then Derek saw the broken test tube with Anthrax in it.

Spencer was a step closer to death.

You took the mask from your face and took a deep breath and you finally broke down, you started crying, it was too much for you, seeing all those vulnerable people and you can’t do anything to help them, you can only try to make this stay as comfortable as possible.

You knew what this job meant, you can’t save everybody but this is not fair, how can a human being so heartless and let these people perish?

You took another deep breath and then you thought about Spencer, hopefully was okay, far away from this situation but deep down you knew he wasn’t, he is in the FBI of course he is involved but please let him be okay.

You needed to hear Spencer's voice, so you called him.

"Y/n…" Spencer began to cough.

"Spencer.. what's happening. You don’t sound okay."

"Everything is fine." Spencer coughed again.

"Spencer…no matter what is happening…"

"Y/n listen." Spencer cut you off.

"I love you Y/n… everything is gonna be okay but I've got to go now. Then Spencer hung up and you didn’t get to answer him.

You tried it a few more times but he didn’t pick and now it felt like your world broke down, you burst into tears knowing couldn’t do anything.

After Spencer and Dr. Kimura may have found the cure for this anthrax, Spencer finally gets to go out of the lab and go to the shower, but as Spencer untied his tie, Dr. Kimura sees the cut Spencer got from the bush and the situation just got more dangerous, hopefully, the cure was in the inhaler.

When Dr. Kimura came in with a newly infected anthrax patient your heart skipped a beat - it was Spencer.

He was in an awful state and for a moment you didn’t know if he would survive this.

The situation finally got under control with the confirmation from the lab that the cure was in the inhaler, the last survivors and Spencer were able to be cured and now it was a matter of time before Spencer woke up.

When you walked towards Spencer’s room, you saw a man sitting by Spencer and eating his jello that you put on his table, just then Spencer woke up and immediately asked if there would be more jello.

As you arrived at Spencer's room you couldn’t hold back anymore.

"Hey." You've said as if a stone fell from your heart.

"Hi." Said Spencer with a smile on his face.

You both wanted to say so much more but with this muscular man in the room who you didn’t know - there was an awkward silence there.

"Okay, I think it’s my time to leave. Have fun lover boy." The man said and left you too alone.

"You’ve scared me, Spencer." You sat down on the bed and took his hand in yours.

"I didn’t mean to do this and I am sorry for what I said, I would understand if you don’t want to see me anymore, I mean with what I said I took this.." Spencer rambled.

"I love you too Spencer."

"WHAT?! Really?"

"Yes Spencer, of course I do, I've loved you since we first met back in Las Vegas."

Spencer cupped with both hands your face and you leaned in and then you two kissed for the first time.

"So you still want to go out with me?" You asked.

"Of course Y/n." You both hugged and Spencer's face was crooked in your neck.

"Hey, Y/n?"

"Yes, Spencer."

"Before we go out on the date, can I have some of this jello?" Spencer asked shyly but you just started laughing.

"Of course, my love, you can have as much jello as you want."

Man - when I wrote this it felt from length okay but now I feel like it’s a little rushed maybe you could give me feedback if I should get more in detail with the story and the conversations.

I am still very new to writing and it feels super though to write Spencer so that he still has his character traits and doesn’t sound like a totally different Spencer.

[almondmilktargaryen]

The Girl Who's Got Agoraphobia (Part Four)

*pictures not mine. layout made via canva

Summary: You're the girl with agoraphobia Michael told Oliver about. You're known for not leaving your room much (obviously). But that doesn't stop Michael from checking on you.

Couple: Fem!Reader/Michael Gavey

Category: Flangst, friends to lovers

Content warnings: Fic begins with a panic attack

Word count: 2.3k

Also on my Ao3

Part one | Part two | Part three | Part four

Fucking Losers

You were having a fit. A moment. An episode. Whatever it’s called. It didn’t matter as your body shook in the dark.

Of course, you were thinking about Michael. How could you not? He was one of the few people who saw you in this state before, apart from your mother. He quickly learned how to help, often asking you from the foot of your bed if certain parts were accurate as he read from the academic journals he pulled from the library. You would be at the head, hunched over homework or your book as you give him a simple yes or no.

But Michael’s not here. You haven’t seen him since the end of finals. Then you both went home for winter break and didn’t check in on one another for two weeks; the longest either of you have gone without speaking since you met. It was unheard of, terrifying. Despite how things were left, you did not want things to stay that way. You weren’t the one who needed to mend this with an apology, but leaving the wound open isn’t helping anymore. Perhaps calling time of death is the only answer.

Rising slowly from the floor, you took your time and your breaths. To avoid exacerbating the situation, you made an effort not to gasp for air. You press your back against a blank wall while steadying your knees as they shake. You mentally map out the pathway from Fleming to Haygood. It’s nighttime, but there’s plenty of lights on the paths, surely. The ones you can see from your window are.

You made up your mind. You picked up your coat and scarf from your chair. While following the same light from your peephole, you observe the dust looping around itself in the stream before vanishing back into the dark. You don’t even think to look out of it before opening the door.

And Michael was there. He stood in the yellow-lit hallway in his trench coat, barely hiding the d20 graphic tee he bought at the last Comic-Con. His glasses were fogged, and he was out of breath. “Hey,” he says like his lungs aren’t burning.

“Michael.” You held your door. You dare not sniffle.

“Figured you’d be here.”

Your face turned to stone. “Did you?”

“No-no, not like that,” he coughs on his own words. “I only meant—that I—I was hoping you were here.”

That hits you, but you don’t want to show it. “You’ve been running,” you say.

“I have.”

“You never run.”

“Painfully true.”

You look him up and down. His runners (irony) are soaked as well as his khakis from the calves down. Not only did he run, but he ran through the snow. Your eyes dart to his, which are slowly being revealed as his glasses adjust to the indoor temperature. It gets harder to look at him; slanted brows and Cheshire Cat lips turned downward. They’re parted slightly to let in more air. Unlike you, he doesn’t look away. Because he doesn’t know what you were about to do, but you know why he’s here. Michael never runs. So why else would he be here? In the most delightful way possible, he surprised you. Not a high bar to meet after last time, but you might as well get to the point. You clear your throat. “Michael, I—”

“I’m sorry.”

You meet his eyes, still fogged, but you don’t speak a word. Not because you want him to grovel (entirely), but because you don’t know what to say.

“What I said was wrong. But you knew that already. I shouldn’t have said it. And I shouldn’t have taken this long to say it.”

You lean on your door, blotting your snot on your sleeve. “Why did you?”

Michael shrugged, then his eyes turned away from you, trailing to the wooden floor beneath your feet. “Stubbornness. Geniuses don’t like being told they’re wrong. Even when they are absolutely wrong. And… uh…”

Your brows quirk.

“I’m afraid of saying it aloud. Because it sounds so bad, but I don’t mean it to be because it’s not—oh my God, you’ve been crying!” His glasses finally defogged. He comes closer and you don’t stop him when his hands take a gentle hold of your arms, the only thing adjacent to a hug at this moment. It’s all the rift between you will allow, even in the midst of mending. “What happened?”

It was your turn for your eyes, dry and irritated, to fall toward the floor as you finally cave and sniffle to spare your sleeves. “Panic attack.” There it is. That’s what it was. The description came to you when you needed it. “I’m fine now.”

“You should sit down.” His breath is a mix of beer and mint gum. “They always take the energy out of you.”

“Yeah.” You step back, still holding the door. It has a habit of leaning forward and closing on its own. You wait for Michael to step in. He eventually inches forward until he’s under the doorway, keeping eye contact with you and his hands in his pockets. Then he’s in.

You take off your coat and scarf, then Michael’s, setting them all on the arm of your big chair. With your silent permission, you both take refuge in your designated spots on your bed after slipping off your shoes. You take a pillow each to hold, then you turn on your bedside lamp. Instead of an old yellow light, the room glows with a soft orange instead. Michael nestles up to the wall next to your astronomy posters, his skinny legs stretched out straight in front of him and away from you. The lines of his eyes are redder than usual. You noticed them in the hallway, but you still didn’t say a word about it.

“What’d you want to say?” You eventually asked.

“Promise you won’t get upset?”

“Yes.”

“Even if it comes out bad?”

“As long as you explain yourself. I promise.”

Michael sighed. His head bumped against the wall as yours did with the headboard. Your post-attack exhaustion is already taking over. “Oliver ditched me. At the pub.”

“He did?” It explained the beer.

Michael nodded. “For Felix Catton and his vultures.”

“Oh, Michael.” It sounds bad. A typical primary school reaction of retreating to the closest person to avoid being alone, and possibly even a target. It sounds absolutely selfish. But you kept yourself composed because you couldn’t help but feel for him still. He knows that pain too. You’ve joked in the past about how hopeless you both are at making friends, but it doesn’t hurt less when you’re proven right. “I’m sorry he did that.”

“I went to grab us some pints. When I came back, he was at their table. Barely spared me a glance.”

“Guess he wasn’t meant to be your friend.” You say it like you turned into your mother. She always said it when you found yourself in the same grief time and time again.

Michael shrugged. “He was boring. He barely spoke at all. And that’s why I came straight here. Because I knew you would never do that to me.”

You sniffled again. It thickened in your nose. “You’re a prick sometimes, Charles. Even when you’re an absolute arse to me, I like you too much to do that to you.”

“Even when you call me Charles?”

“Of course.” You pull your lips into a half smile because you don’t have the energy for much more. “So why’d it take you so long to realize that?”

“We’re hopeless at making friends. You left so quickly. I thought I fucked it all up from the start.”

You pursed your lips as his words settle in. The exhaustion only creeps in as you sink into your bed. “We’re both terrible at making friends, aren’t we?” You try to lighten the mood with a chuckle, even though it’s terribly depressing.

“But it’s easy with you.” He holds the pillow close to his chest, looking you in the eyes as he says, “I don’t want to lose that.”

You push your leg out to nudge him on the nose. He thins out his lips as he takes it, even though you took off your socks. Once you’re successful, your leg drops to his side. “Well, you won’t lose it.”

And the silence in the room stretches as you watch the wound heal between you in the lamp’s soft glow. The vulnerability in Michael’s eyes mirrors yours.

“You know,” your voice breaks the silence as you sit back up and put your pillow back in place. “What Oliver did to you was awful, but we can still take advantage of the night. Let’s go to the pub.”

Michael raises an eyebrow. “It’s Saturday night. It was so crowded down there.”

You shrug. “You said you wouldn’t let anything happen to me, right?”

The corners of his mouth quirked up. “I did say that.”

“So, let’s go.” You stand up, turn on your bare heels, and extend your hand to him. “Maybe it’ll be good for us. Better than being around those fucking losers.” It’s uncharacteristic as the last words fall out of your mouth, but it certainly felt appropriate.

“You sure you’re not tired?”

“I’ll let you know when I’m tired.”

“I’ll take it then.” And Michael takes your hand When he lands on his feet, though, it’s closer than expected. He’s so close to falling into you, which would make you both collapse on the hard floor. But he balances himself by taking a hold of your hip with his other hand.

It would be normal to step back and let go of his hand to give him space. It certainly would make sense. But you can’t explain the sudden surge of boldness that hits you. And without thinking something through for the first time in your life, you push yourself up on your toes and kiss him. It was quick, and spontaneous, much like the whole decision.

You open your eyes to see Michael’s face illuminated by the lamp, part of its shade reflected in his glasses. The weight of what you just did started stacking on your shoulders, brick by brick. But before you can pull away and apologize, Michael’s lips meet yours again. His kiss is different—frantic and eager, filled with the desperate need to connect again (or proof he’s never kissed someone. You’ve never talked about it). It’s sloppy as both his hands move to your waist and grip at the fabric of your sweater. Your hands meet his chest as you try pushing him away. Your lips are drenched by the time you finally separate.

“Michael, slow down.” You wipe your mouth.

“Sorry,” he whispers. Beer still lingers in his breath.

“It’s okay. Just… do it like this.” You urge him to loosen his hold on your sweater as your hands find their way to his face. You show him how to kiss with tenderness.

And he responds accordingly, his kisses becoming softer and more deliberate. His hands rest on your waist now. No force in them. The urgency fades, and his skin is warm as your hands lace around his neck. He pulls back this time, though, and the look in his eyes shows you how dazed he is. “Maybe we should stay in,” he suggests softly.

“Well, I—”

“Not anything like that. I’m not ready for… that. I just know you’ll be exhausted soon.”

You couldn’t lie. You were already there. “But you said you—”

“I wouldn’t let anything happen to you. But that’s a simple thing to prove in a pub at any time. We’ll go soon.” He pecks you on the lips. “But for now, you should rest.”

You don’t argue further. Instead, you pull away from Michael completely and make way for your wardrobe. Luckily, this isn’t the first time Michael’s spent the night in your dorm, so you pull out some of the spare pajamas he’s left behind during late movie nights. You both turn away as you change, but meet again in an attempt to make room in your single bed. Michael wraps an arm around your waist as you both get comfortable and squeezes in close, keeping you from the edge. He props himself up on his elbow.

“Are you going to fall asleep?” You ask him.

Michael leans over to put his glasses on the end table. “Shouldn’t be too hard. And it’s already more comfortable than your couch. If I can’t, your bookcase is easy to reach. I can always grab a memoir.”

Your knuckles brush against his sweatshirt, a weak attempt at a smack as you giggle. Michael takes that hand and turns it in his hold like he is examining it. He kisses your fingers and cradles them against his chest. He knows you feel his still rapid heartbeat.

“This is all… a lot for me.”

“Me too.”

“What made you do it?”

“Did you wish I didn’t?”

“God no. I’d been wanting to for a while.”

“So did I.” You trace the Oxford logo on his chest. “So I did it. Just in a brief moment where I stopped overthinking.”

The air blown out of Michael’s nose is cool against your face. “You actually stopped thinking?” His lips find your forehead as he still keeps hold of your hand—an assurance that he is joking. “Had to say it.”

“It’s difficult. But it’s easier with you.”

The smartass grin leaves his face at that. Instead, he lets his head meet your pillow as his eyes refuse to stray from yours. He brushes your hair back, his short nails just scratching your scalp. It’s soothing, and it encourages you to close your eyes in bliss as your mind is blank.

Taglist: @anukulee

[imaginaryf1shots]

My Girls (|V) | Max Verstappen

Words count: 5K

Driver!oc X Max Verstappen

Platonic!Driver!oc X the grid

Summery: Cecilia Hansson daughter of a Swedish billionaire, a race car driver, with a dream of making it big in Formula 1. However she has a few secrets that may hurt her as women are disliked in the sport.

Series Warnings: google translated french, dutch, cursing, child abandment, absent father, drinking, car accidents, Jos Verstappen, misogyny, Christian horner (tell me if i missed anything)

A/N: This is a secondary blog so I won't be able to respond but I'm adding you all, just send it in the ask me anything if I missed ou by mistake.

Masterlist

Series Masterlist

Max Masterlist

Previous || Next

Winter love

Finally it’s the end of the year break, a couple of months to have fun and let loose, I mean have fun before Covid hits, but no one knows about that yet. 

Lando was back in the UK and he kept asking Cecilia to get on the sim for them to race a little in the F1 2019 game. 

Lando(on call)

Come on Cece, why won’t you just get on for a little race?

Cecilia

Lando, I swear to god how many times do I have to tell you that I have a daughter who I haven’t spent-

Lando/Cecilia

Much time with her and like to spend some-

Cecilia

You’re an asshole 

They laughed as she shook her head at his antics, to her Lando felt like the little brother she never had.

Lando

Come on, she sleeps at what? 8?

Cecilia 

half past seven

Lando

See, besides you need to keep up your hard work, just because you came 5th in the championship and won Rookie of the year doesn’t mean you can slack off.

Cecilia 

Piss off Norris, we just finished last week

Lando

So while everyone is slacking you should be having fun with me, we haven’t done a race in a long time

Cecilia 

Fine, I’ll text you when I put Nattie to bed

Lando

Cool, now let me talk to my niece, I miss her

Cecilia 

I don’t understand you

Lando

You don't have to

Switching to facetime, Lando talked with Nattie for a while before she had to eat.

True to her words that night Cecilia put Nattie to bed, she read her a story and sang her a song, Nattie fell asleep hugging Cecilia and it took everything for her to leave her asleep and not just spend the night in her daughter’s bed.

She texted Lando that she’ll be ready in a couple minutes. Lando got excited and texted her that he’s ready. Turning on her PS5, she got ready and had discord open on her laptop next to her, it seemed like Lando forgot to tell her that they weren’t going to be the only ones, he had some of his friends and Alex as well, she didn’t really mind, she’s met Lando’s friends in the passing before when they came to the paddock. 

Everything was going great, they chose the track, who they’d be playing as, Cecilia of course chose herself. But you can’t have everything, not evening a nice game with your friends.

“Cecilia what the fuck?” Lando shouted down the microphone, his voice hurting her ear, her car stopped and wouldn’t move, making him crash into her, they lost their P3 and P2. as their friends laughed and passed them.

“I’m sorry, I don't know what’s going on!” She tried to make her car move but nothing she did made her car move. “I think my paddles are disconnected, I’ll try to reconnect them, you guys continue without me, I’ll join the next round.”

She tried everything she could, connecting and disconnecting, plugging in and out she even restarted her PS5, but nothing seemed to work.

“Something is wrong with my simulator, it’s not working.” Cecilia sounded stressed, she stood back looking at her setup. 

“You’re not backing out to spend time with your family are you?” Alex teased her, she knew he meant Nathalie but with Lando’s friends he was careful.

“No, I think I’m the only one awake, it’s not working, the game won’t turn on anymore, I’m getting stressed.” Cecilia said, and logged off not long after, there’s nothing more she can do at the moment.

Apparently she had to get a new one, she had someone come take a look at it, and she had to order a new one, and who knew how long it’ll take for that to happen. When the pandemic hit, she knew there would be no way she'd get her sim for a long time, which was bad for her, not because she couldn't play with her friends, but because it’s something that kept her in a racing mood, and kept her skills sharp in the down season. So she found herself texting Charles to ask him if she could come by sometimes to get on the sim, but he was quarantining with Charlotte and they met with their separate families, which would make it harder for her, since she didn’t want to really get in contact with too many people, so she turned to Max, the only other driver she had in mind. Lewis was in the UK with his family and there wasn’t an abundance of Drivers she was close to who were in Monaco at the moment. 

Setting up time with Max was easy since they were quarenting and there wasn't much anyone could do, with her mask on and a short drive later Cecilia made it to Max’s house, she’s never been there before. Walking in she didn't know what to expect, but he had set up his house pretty nicely. 

“Thank you so much Max.” Cecilia thanked Max after greeting him with a hug.

“Hey, I'm happy to help a rival out.” He poked at her, she knew at this point they were more friends than anything else, but still they’ve never really been alone before. So that made her a little nervous, seeing Max in his casual clothes and not his team kit made them distance themselves from their work. For her standing there, they were just two friends. 

“I think we’re past that.” She placed her clammy hands in the back pockets of her jeans awkwardly. 

“I agree, do you want something to drink?” Mask asked and led her through his penthouse and to the kitchen.

“It’s okay, thank you.”

“So what happened with your simulator?” Max asked and took out a tea box and waved it for Cecilia to see, she gave him a nod and he started the kittle.

“I have no idea, I was mid game with Lando and some other people, and suddenly mid race everything stopped working, I tried everything and nothing worked.” She explained leaning onto the island to watch him, he moved around with ease taking out tea cups and sitting the tea bags in. “Dad called someone in to check it out before lockdown and I just couldn't get it in before then.”

“That's weird.”

“It is what it is, I guess we get to hang out now because of it.” She said with a smile and a shrug, Max gave Cecilia her cup before they moved to the room had his simulator sat in, walking in she laughed when she saw two simulators, not one, admittedly one was more advanced with RedBull logo and the other looked like that once she had at home. “Colour me impressed, Mr. Verstappen.”

“Laugh all you want, but now we can race each other, one on one.” Max looked smug with himself. He had no shame, it came in handy now and he didn’t regret it, I mean he lives here all alone, yes he doesn’t stay home a lot but when he does it does get a little lonely. 

“I like the way you think.” Patting his back she walked up to the RedBull one and looked at it before she looked at him with a smile, he couldn't say no to her, he let her try it. Max sat everything up for Cecilia and him and they took turns choosing what circuits to play, both playing as themselves. “Is any of your family here in Monaco?”

“No, no, I just came back from the Netherlands when the lockdown started.” Max said and tried to pass the female driver, but she was blocking him very well.

“It must be lonely being here alone.” Cecilia said thinking about how lonely she’d be if she didn't have her family with her, she’d definitely lose her mind. 

“It’s alright.” Max didn’t mind it that much, he got used to it, besides he did call his family and check on them to see how things are over there.

“You should come over sometime, as long as you don’t come in contact with anyone, we have a child at home after all.” Cecilia spared him a look before she passed the chequered flag and won the race.

“It’s okay, but I do want to see Nathalie again.” 

“Believe me she does too, I don’t know what you two talked about when you found her but she’s been going on and on about you.” Max smiled and turned to look at Cecilia, she was already facing him, they were finished for the day. “And, if you need more convincing, We have a hell of a gym at home, I mean you’d meet my parents, but they’re chill.”

“I didn’t know you had a gym at home.” Max stood up and Cecilia followed suit, they naturally integrated to the sofa in the back of the room, she sat at one end facing him with her legs tucked under her and her back to the armrest. 

“We had everything installed after I gave birth, I needed to get in shape and with how small Nathalie was I couldn’t take her with me, and I didnt want to leave her, not even counting feeding her.” Cecilia said fondly, sometimes she feels like Nathalie is growing up too fast. “Sometimes I miss when she was that small, she was so cute.”

“Do you have some pictures?” Cecilia fished out her phone and went to the album on her phone labelled Nathalie 2017, she had her pictures all categorised with the year. Moving closer they both were sitting side by side as she showed him the photos explaining some of the stories behind them. They went so back in the album, there was a photo of Cecilia on the hospital bed with a newborn Nathalie sleeping on her, skin touching skin, Cecilia looked so tired and sweaty in the photos, to Max she looked so young. “You were 18, right?” 

“Yeah, I got pregnant at 17 but gave birth after my 18th.” His admiration for the girl just kept growing, he looked at her and noticed how close they were sitting, their thighs touching, he could smell the perfume she had sprayed. He moved his arm to push back her hair to be able to see her face when he stopped himself and cleared his throat.

“I can’t get over how much she looks like you.” Max said trying to distract himself, Cecilia looked up and their eyes met, they were still close she felt like she could see all the shades of blue with flickers of hazel in his eyes. 

“My mum says she’s my twin.” Her voice was soft, both their eyes flickered down to their lips, and just as the thought of how his lips would feel on hers passed her mind, she smiled and leaned back creating distance naturally without leaving any awkwardness between them. Soon after Cecilia left with the promise of coming back again later in the week. 

The due kept meeting regularly, and Max started hoping her sim would never get delivered. When their meeting time arrived for the week, Cecilia came in with her mask, a backpack on her shoulder, a bag in one arm and her child in the other. The woman was always thankful for her F1 training. Once Nathalie saw the male driver her three year old legs carried her as fast as she could to the driver. Max leaned down and caught her, pulling her up in his arms and giving her a hug. 

“Hello, Thalia.” He greets the three year old, stepping back to let her mother move in the house, he took the bag from her hand in a swift motion.

“Hello Max.” Nathalie said with a smile. “We made you cookies!”

“Oh did you?” Max asked her with a smile, he looked at cecilia and she pointed to the bag in his hand, it had tupperware in it, once her mum knew he was here alone, she gave Cecilia some home cooked food, and since she and Nattie made cookies, they decided to bring some. 

“Yes, mummy can eat those.” Cecilia shook her head, the cookies they made were okay for her diet, she did make a patch of normal cookies as well.

“I’m sure I’ll love them.” Sitting her down the girl looked around curiously, she started walking around, giving the adults time to greet each other. “Hey.”

“Hey, she’s a bit hyper and had some cookies when we weren’t looking after we gave her some.” Cecilia said and looked at her daughter, she was a mischievous little thing. “I think she talks to Charles too much, I always catch him encouraging her.”

Cecilia sat her bag on the sofa, and took the bag Max held and walked to his kitchen, her daughter and Max followed suit. It made her chuckle. “Mum made you some food, I hope it’s not too much, but she’s a family woman, always wanting to feed people, I think that’s why my brother is her favourite, since I can’t eat everything she makes.”

“It’s okay, thank her for me.”

“Or you can come by like I asked and thank her yourself.” 

“Grand-mère makes good food.” Nattie agreed looking up at the duo, Cecilia ruffled her hair thinking how cute her girl is. “Maman! Stop!” 

“Yes Cecilia don’t ruffle her hair.” Shaking her head she continued with getting out the tupperware and placing what needed to be placed in the fridge inside of it. 

“Mon ange, do you want to watch a movie?” The girl nodded her head and they moved to the sim room, Cecilia gave her daughter her Ipad where she chose to watch cars, ironically. An hour in Max and Cecilia played 8 tracks with 5 laps in each track, all this playing made them aware of the other’s techniques, it was different from real life, but still with similarities, Cecilia would sometimes push cars off track to try and make Max lose, and he may have cursed or gotten mad at other people but not her, he just shook his head and continued on. 

They had a late lunch break before Nattie made them play a game with her, the sugar she had in her system took a couple of hours before she crashed, Max slowly got her up from the floor where she fell asleep and carried her to the guest bedroom, after Cecilia tucked her in they moved once more to the living room, they sun had set and they had dim lights on. Max got a bottle of wine with a cheeky look on his face. He only saw Cecilia drink once and that was at her first win, never again, she would get out with them but never drink. 

“I drove here.” She whined, wanting a glass of wine.

“Then stay, Nattie is already sleeping.” Max offered and popped open the bottle.

“I don’t know.” She was unsure, she knows that her and Max have gotten closer and she knows where this friendship is heading, she talked to Charles about it once, and told her to trust her instinct and if she felt like it to go for it, but to her the thinking is different, once she became a mother her way of thinking about things changed 180 degrees, she’s not number one anymore it’s her girl. Even if you push that away, Max is amazing with Nattie that is true, but she can’t get him into that, she can’t be sure if he’ll want to be in Nattie’s life, to be a male figure and possibly a father figure. Besides they are colleagues, with jobs that are under the microscope, the moment the public finds out it will be a shit show, and if they ever broke up then what? How can she stare at him 10 months of the year knowing they had something at one point. Too many things could go wrong, and she’s not ready to put herself or her daughter’s hearts on the line.

“Don’t overthink it.” Max could tell that her mind ran with thoughts too fast for either of them to grasp it. He poured her a glass and held it out to her, reluctantly she took it and took a small sip. 

“You're a bad influence.” 

“Some would beg to differ.” He responded with his own glass, after a moment of silence, he gathered his courage and asked the question he wanted to ask the moment he found out about Nathalie. “Can I ask you something?”

“Yeah sure go ahead, this is good wine by the way.” Cecilia kept  her sips small, enjoying the taste.

“Is-is Thalia’s father around?” Cecilia stopped drinking, she just realised that she never talked with Max about it, Max kept his eyes on her, watching her every move waiting for a sign of discomfort. 

“He isn’t, he dipped the second I told him I was pregnant.” Cecilia sat with her legs tucked under her once again with her back to the armrest. Her elbow resting on the back of the sofa with her arm holding her head up at her temple, Max also had his back to the end of the sofa. “The fucker left me on my own in a country I know no one in and I only saw his face once since then.”

“What a fucking dickhead.” Max couldn’t understand how some men could just get a girl pregnant and dip, it takes two to tango, knowing that there’s a child out there that is half them and leave them be.

“You can say that again, anyways, he only showed up once with his lawyer, to sign away his rights and told me to keep him out of this, he did try to threaten me.” She laughed remembering the day, Max was confused why she was laughing. “My brother had him almost pissing himself, he’s rich, my ex, extremely so, but my family is richer and more influential so, with one threat to call his dad he had his tail tucked between his legs and left with no fuss.”

“Where does he live?” Max doesn’t know why he asked, maybe he wanted to see if he could find him and maybe just maybe while he’s crossing the road a little something could happen. 

“Last I heard in England, he’s British but he has family in Monaco, that’s how we met, he was older than me, thinking back now it was doomed from the start.” Cecilia leaned over and poured herself another glass, and offered to fill Max’s, he too needed another drink. “But you know what, I’d do it again just to have Nathalie, she’s the best thing that ever happened to me, she’s the reason I decided to race again.”

“What do you mean?”

“I was a teen when I got pregnant, and maybe yes I was 18 when I gave birth but I was still a teen at heart then too, you don’t just get older the instant your birthday hits, anyways I felt like a teen when I had her and I thought about quitting everything and just focus on us, but I couldn’t I didn’t want her to look back one day and see me give up when it got hard, I didn’t want her to think that having her ended my dream or that I didn’t work hard for it. No way, my mum is a housewife. Her dream was to have a family of her own, mine was to be an F1 driver.”

“Your dream was hard to achieve when you didn’t even have a child.” Max commented, all he wanted to do now is to pull her in for a long hug, to have her in his arms and protect her to help her like her ex should’ve, who’d let a woman like Cecilia slip through their fingers? A blind man in Max’s books.

“That’s true, and at times I thought that maybe I bit more than I can chew, I mean even now, with me coming fifth in the championship, Mclaren still has me on a yearly contract, and Lando got a three year contract.” Shrugging, it bothered her, Mclaren was applauded for being ‘feminists’ and accepting ‘diversity’ when they didn’t treat their drivers the same. 

“That’s not fair.” Max frowned, Cecilia just shrugged. “Well RedBull will always be happy to have you.”

“I don’t know about that, you may hate it but Mercedes is where I wish to be.” Cecilia was honest with him, she hoped to one day be part of Mercedes.

“Because of Toto?”

“Yeah, he’s married to Susie so there’s that, she’s been working for years on including more women in the sport, and he’s always had her back at that.” Cecilia explained.

“But you know he likes Lewis so much, he will place him above you when it comes to priority.” 

“Like Christain loves you, every team principal prefers one driver, but I feel like my luck there will be better, that’s why I’m going to prove to everyone that I deserve it next year.”

“I know you do.” Max found himself saying. “I’ve always believed in you.”

“Did you?” Cecilia whispered, Max nodded, her cheeks dusted pink. This is it. This is what Max wanted, he wanted to spend time with her talking, he wanted to talk to her before he fell asleep, to share their feelings and thoughts, talk about everything and anything, share things with each other they never did with anyone else. He wanted… he wants to feel less lonely when it’s late at night and he can’t fall asleep, he wants to have someone who he can speak to about everything, share his secrets with, he wants that.

“Yeah, I did, I do.” His tone matched hers, in the silence of the apartment and dim lights her light blue eyes met his darker ones in an enchanting fight, who’ll give up first, both drivers not used to giving up. Cecilia’s eyes ran down his nose to his lip and instinctively, ran her the tip of her tongue over her bottom lip witting it slightly, the tension in the room rose, Max swallowed and fought with himself to say something, change the subject, but evidently he was the loser between the two of them, he took a swing of his glass and finished it, before he leaned over and took hers placing them on the coffee table, Cecilia watched him with bated breath. Her eyes drew him in they were half closed, Max moved like a predator, a man on a mission, he inclined his face towards hers, it took her only a moment to feel his breath on her face before she pushed up and their lips met is a slow almost lazy kiss, their eyes closed as they lost themselves in the moment, her lips soft and already open, Maxed closed his lips around her bottom one, drawing her in, his nose nudged hers, and her arms moved to his hair holding him in place, afraid he’d pull back. Max’s arms moved to hold her waist and face, with the tip of his tongue he could taste the wine they just drank, deciding then that it tasted better coming from her lips.

It’s been years since Cecilia kissed someone, but she’s sure she’s never been kissed like this before. If kisses are supposed to make you feel like this, then she’s never been kissed before, the warmths of Max enveloped her and consumed her. Moving her head, she wanted more of him, wanted him to-

“Maman!” With a startled jump they pulled away from each other, Cecilia looked at Max like a deer caught in headlights, she didn’t say anything before she moved to see what her daughter wanted. She cursed herself for losing her resolve, for not sticking with her decisions, this just got messy. She hid away in the guest room with her daughter, thankfully she had her phone in her pocket and texted her mum that they’re spending the night. 

She isn’t ready to face Max in the morning.

Next morning Cecilia wakes up and she raises her head and looks around for Nathalie but she’s nowhere to be found, slowly getting up, she doesn’t bother looking in the mirror, she slept in her jeans and shirt, yeah it wasn’t a comfortable sleep. Just as she places her hand on the knob to open the door, she remembers what happened last night. Fuck it felt so good, being this close to Max, her heart jumped and she felt all soft and tingly, she placed her forehead on the door and closes her head, reliving the moment once again. Shit, I need to focus. She bites her lip and contemplates what to do. She knows that the mature thing is to talk to Max about it and explain her feelings but she doesn’t really want to, she’s not ready to hear what he thinks.

Opening the door she hears Max talking and Nathalie laughing, following their voices she comes to the kitchen, Max was in a pair of shorts and a shirt. Watching them, Max had Nathalie mixing the eggs in a bowl that is too big, but it made it so she wouldn’t spill any of it, Nathalie was sitting on the counter, Max had one hand beside her, something she did so if Nathalie slipped she’d be able to stop her from falling.

“Like this?” Nathalie asked, looking up at the man for approval.

“Yeah, you’re doing amazing.” She wasn’t, but the answer made Nathalie very proud of herself. “What do you usually drink with breakfast?”

“Juice!” Nattie exclaimed, swinging her legs back and forth, Cecilia rolled her eyes.

“More like milk.” Cecilia interjects, she gives Nattie a look. “Don’t lie mon ange, when do you drink juice?”

“After lunch.” Nathalie answered with a pout, her shoulders dropped and she stopped mixing the eggs. 

“Why do we do that?” Cecilia asked her moving closer.

“Too much sugar is bad for you.” Nattie said the words she heard a million times before. Nattie can’t handle sugar well, if there’s no fresh juices they usually give her a small glass after she has lunch, which is her biggest meal of the day.  

“That’s right, my smart bébé.” Cecilia kisses the side of her head, and turns to look at Max, he had a smile on his face, it made Cecilia’s heart skip a beat, she looked away. “Good morning.”

“Morning, you sleep okay?” Max takes the eggs turns to the stove before he quickly finishes whisking them without Nathalie noticing, and pours it into the pan. 

“Yeah, as good as I could in jeans.” Max noticed her crumpled clothes, and her messy hair matching Nathalie’s, like mother like daughter. Cecilia combed through Nattie’s hair with her fingers taming her hair, the only thing different between them is that Nattie had curls while Cecilia’s straight/wavy.

“I can give you some clothes if you want.” Cecilia declines his offers, she planned to leave after breakfast anyway. 

“What can I help with?”  Cecilia asked.

“No momie we’re making you breakfast.” Nathalie said startling Cecilia who just raised her hands in surrender, Max laughed. Cecilia still stood by her daughter watching Max move around and give Nathalie things to do. 

They had breakfast in the kitchen, Cecilia finished eating first, she wasn’t always a fast eater but when you have a child you need to feed and also feed yourself it made her a fast eater. Max and Nattie were still eating so Cecilia took the moment to rinse the plates and place them in the dishwasher, cleaning up the kitchen.

“Mon ange get your things, we need to leave.” Cecilia called for her daughter once she finished eating, she was washing the pan Max used.

“Are we coming back soon momie?” walking to her mother with her begging look that she always used when she needed something, made Cecilia chuckle.

“Maybe.” with a pointed look the girl turned and left the kitchen with a permanent pout. She knows that Nathalie missed meeting people and just having fun with kids her age. Max is the only person she saw out of her parents and her, her brother was in Sweden, quarenting with his wife, kids and her family. 

Max silently leaned his back to the counter next to the sink, his eyes not leaving her. Cecilia tried to act like she didn’t notice, but how could she when he was standing so close, her mind flashed to the taste of his lips on hers.

“Are we going to talk about last night?” Max asked her and Cecilia didn’t answer, it isn’t very mature of her but once again she didn’t want to talk about it. “Cilia.”

“What do we need to talk about?” She decided playing dumb is the best thing to do, maybe she’s really dumb.

“Don’t do that.” Max turned off the tab and moved closer, he was serious, sighing Cecilia turned to look at him. “If you regret it, then say it, but I don’t think that you do.”

“It’s not that simple, Max and you know that.” Cecilia replied, her brows furrowed. 

“Then let’s make it simple, Cecilia, I like you, do you like me?” Cecilia’s eyes went wide, her cheeks went red, her mouth got dry and she stood there speechless. 

“It’s- max, I-I…” She stuttered feeling flustered and warm, a cocktail of emotions that she wanted to untangle, but if she does then so much would change and she doesn’t know if she's ready for that.

“I’m not asking you to marry me, do you like me? Yes or no?” Max asked once again, this time his tone is softer, full of doubt, maybe he misread the situation, maybe she was drunk(of two glasses of wine?), maybe it was just a spur of the moment thing.

“I do, I like you, but it’s not simple.” Cecilia whispered and closed her eyes, Max moved closer.

“I know that you have to think about Thalia-” She cuts him off.

“I do, but it’s not just that, Max we work together, no not together, against each other.” Cecilia said, trying to prove her point, she thought about this a lot and she talked about it with Charles, and she has a feeling that both Charles and Max saw it like each other. 

“I thought about those things too, no let me finish, your jumping to the future, since the season is postponed we have time to figure things out, we’ll take it slow, we won’t say anything to anyone and just keep it to ourselves, it wouldn’t be fair to Nathalie if we got in a relationship and then broke up a while later, as for racing, we keep work separate. You’d be happy if I won right?” Cecilia nodded, not daring to say anything. “I would be happy for you too, and that’s all we need from each other on that point, it’s simpler than you think, we’ll just take one thing at a time, you don’t have to bring Thalia with you until you’re sure we’re going to stay together, or that I’m not just playing with you and leaving, because I’m not, I’m not like your ex.”

“I know you’re not.” Cecilia mumbled, yes she doesn't want to end up heartbroken, doesn’t want her daughter to be heartbroken, but she knows Max is different.

“Then give us a chance.” Max pleaded, his hands cupping her cheeks softly, their eyes met and Cecilia’s resolve crumpled.

“Okay, yeah, let’s do it.” Max kissed her forehead softly before he let her go. They finished in the kitchen together before she and Nattie left, with a longer hug than usual, Max closed the door behind them.

His house now empty, he looked around and there was no trace of the two, it made him feel lonely, since he spent the last 24 hours with them he now felt like he was on his own, something that didn’t bother him before. When you taste something sweater and go back to how things were, it makes it harder, but he had to give it time. Dating Cecilia will be bringing so many challenges but he wasn’t one to shy away from challenges, he knows what he wants and he works his ass off to get them.

CeciliaHansson15

liked by charles_leclerc, maxverstappen1, Landonoriss and 1,597,999 others

ceciliahansson15 photodump, what is everyone been up to? I can confidently say that the art world is lucky I chose not to be an artis😎

anyway, i hope you're all staying safe ❤️❤️

view all 10,149 comments

username1 how can you look sooooo gooood 🧎‍♀️

username2 mother is mothering so hard right now

Landonoriss I've seen your 'art', it's shit

ceciliahannson15 how dare you 🫵👊 these are lies

georgerussell63 I'll have to agree with Lando on this

ceciliahansson15 how did you see my art @/georgerussell63

georgerussell63 uh... ask @/alex_albon

alex_albon mate, why? 😬

ceciliahansson15 how did YOU see it??!!! @/alex_albon

alex_albon well you see the thing is, it was @/charles_leclerc🏃🏃

charles_leclerc not cool mate

ceciliahansson15 charles....

charles_leclerc it was Lando 🤷

landonoriss I can explain

ceciliahansson15 BLOCKED all of you @/maxverstappen1 congratulations on being my new best friend

maxverstappen1 ...thanks i guess

maxverstappen1 do i need to know what happened?

georgerussell63 no

alex_albon no

charles_leclerc no

landonoriss I'll text you

ceciliahansson15 @/landonoriss 🔫🔫

Pierregasly suddenly I'm glad I havn't checked the groupchat

liked by ceciliahansson15, danielricciardo

username5 I'm living for this comment section 😂

username6 only cecilia can get half the grid in her comments section

username7 the power cecilia holds

Next->

it's 4:45 rn so if there's any mistakes tell me

Taglist:

@luciaexcorvus . @vellicora . @tpwkstiles . @belennasif  . @eugene-emt-roe . @fanboyluvr . @fangirl125reader , @christianpulisic10 . @belennasif

[irkimatsu]

AHHHHHH I love Husk and your content is by far my FAVORITE 😍 the sweet, the smut, the little bit of both...I love it all.

So I have a cute idea for this one. Neko!reader x husk. The reader isn't fully cat, but has the ears and tail, a cat-like face and of course the mannerisms. Husk is crushing hard and thinks that she (or they, whichever pronouns :) ) is cute and nonchalantly points out that it's adorable when her ears twitch. And then she's like, "And you wonder why we're always messing with you, eyy Kitten?" which makes him all flustered and he can't even say anything.

I can just picture them doing the equivalent of holding hands only their tails wrapped around each other 😚😚

Thank you so much for enjoying my writing!

I envisioned Reader as an anthro like Husk; I'm hoping that's what you meant with your description! Reader gets drunk and rants to Husk about cat instincts, Husk offers some advice, light flirting and flustered Husk ensues. I hope this is close enough to what you wanted! 1.2k words, SFW, female reader!

---

You’ve had way too much to drink.

It’s not like you’re inexperienced at drinking; you knew the hard stuff you were knocking back would be enough to get you wasted. That was the point.  Maybe if you got drunk enough, you could shut off the stupid cat instincts that hadn’t left you alone since the moment you died. The exercises you’ve been doing at this hotel for the past few months may have taught you things like not stealing and believing in the power of friendship, but there hadn’t yet been any lessons on how to stop swiping at your own tail every time it entered the corner of your field of vision.

You’re not sure if the alcohol has turned off the instincts, but it sure has turned on your mouth. Without thinking about what you’re saying, you’ve been ranting to the bartender for the past thirty minutes, barely pausing to take a breath. Surely he doesn’t mind, right? Not only are bartenders supposed to listen when their customers want to bitch, but he’s in the exact same position as you are as far as species goes!

“...and the fuckin’ hairballs!” is the latest thought in your stream of word vomit. “I thought mucus was bad! Hairballs! They get stuck in my throat, and they itch like hell until I can cough ‘em up!”

“They sell stuff down here to take care of that,” the bartender says, pouring you another drink without you asking. “It tastes like shit, but it works. I don’t get ‘em anymore unless I forget to drink it.”

“And what about shedding?!” you continue on as if he didn’t say anything. “It’s impossible to keep my room clean! It’s like the more I clean up, the more fur there is!”

“Niffty’s been helpin’ me with that since I met her. She gets pissed about the fur I leave everywhere otherwise. She ain’t gentle with that brush, though.”

You take another gulp of your drink and slam it down onto the bar. “Fuck, think I just swallowed some fur…”

“You haven’t even been dead for a year yet, right?” Husk asks. “ That’s barely anything. Don’t worry, you’ll have plenty of time to get used to being a cat. Some of the bullshit never goes away, but it becomes part of you.”

“Do you like being a cat?” you ask.

He laughs at your question. “Hell no! But what choice do I have? There’s no going back to bein’ human for any of us. May as well learn how to deal with it.” He takes a gulp of his own drink, not even bothering to pour it into a glass. “If ya want, I can take you to a good supply place sometime. They’ve got good products if you can put up with the fact that it looks like a fuckin’ pet store.”

“Hmm…” you neither accept nor deny his offer. You only take another drink, swallowing more damn fur in the process. That’s definitely gonna lead to some late-night hairballs. “It’s so annoying…” you whine as you plop your chin on the bar. “Why couldn’t I have been something cool? You know I saw a giant lizard the other day? Lucky bastard…”

“Bet they have a hell of a time findin’ clothes,” he says. “Or even gettin’ into places to begin with.”

“And even you got wings…” you continue on.

“Yeah. Wings. I get to clean up after fur and feathers, and if I don’t find the perfect position while sleeping the fuckin’ things go numb.” He takes your glass away, but you’re too lost in your own self-pity to protest. “We’ve all gotta get used to our new bodies when we get down here, and I doubt it’d be any different if we somehow got into heaven. Just gotta make the best of it.” He turns around to put away some bottles. “Besides, it’s not all bad. At least you’re cute.”

“...what was that?” you say, not expecting that word out of Husk’s mouth.

“I said you’re cute. Everyone thinks cats are cute, don’t they? Even I liked ‘em when I was alive. I don’t want to be one, but you can’t resist their mannerisms, can ya? The big eyes, the soft fur…”

He turns around just in time to see your right ear flicking in annoyance from the condescension. “The twitchy ears…”

You smirk, knowing the weight of what you’re about to say next but too drunk to stop yourself. “So now you get why Angel and I are always commenting on your mannerisms, eh, kitty?”

“Whoa! Hey!” His fur bristles, and you know you shouldn’t find his own agitation cute, but you can’t help yourself. It helps you understand the way he was just talking to you, at least. “That’s different! You’re a young lady! You died at, what, 25? You’re supposed to be cute! I’m an old man who drank myself to death. Nothin’ cute about that.”

“You’ve still got the big eyes and the soft fur…” you continue on.

He groans in response. “If you were a stranger saying that shit to me, I’d kill you.”

“So what makes me so special?” Your tail waves playfully behind you, and he’s obviously following it with his eyes and blushing.

“I…” he starts, but never manages to come up with the rest of the sentence. “Jesus Christ,” is all he has to offer before grabbing a couple of glasses from the shelf. He fills them both with water, then carries them around to the other side of the bar.

“Here,” he says as he sets one of the glasses in front of you. “Drink this. You’re gonna feel like shit in the morning. May as well not be dehydrated on top of everything else.”

You stare at the cup as he takes a seat on the stool next to you. “How do you resist the urge to knock cups over?” you ask.

“Lots of self-control,” he says with a smirk before guzzling his glass in one go.

You place your paw on the side of the glass, originally intending to pick it up, but an overwhelming spark takes over your brain, and you start easing the cup toward the edge of the bar. Husk grabs it and places it back where it started before it can crash to the floor.

“You’ll get used to it,” he assures you. He’s finished his water, but for a reason you can’t determine, he’s still sitting next to you.

“How long have you been down here?” you ask. “A couple years?”

“Mmm… fifty?” he guesses. “Almost as long as I was alive, at this point.”

“Fifty years?!” you exclaim. “And you still have to deal with cat instincts?!”

He shrugs. “Like I said, it never goes away. Just gotta get used to it, take the good with the bad.”

“The good…” you repeat. “Like being cute?”

“Oh, shut up,” he says. “...but in your case… yeah. Like being cute.”

You finally manage to pick up your water without giving into the desire for destruction. As you take a sip, something feathery starts to tickle against your tail. You look over at Husk from the corner of your eye. He’s trying to be nonchalant, not even looking at you, but there’s only one thing that could be brushing against you right now.

Without looking, you shift your tail, allowing it to curl around Husk’s. Husk curls his around yours in turn, your tail tips forming a spiral that just barely reaches the floor.

It’s the closest he’ll get to flirting for now. You’ll take what you can get.

[fairy-writes]

Heyy

Can i please ask for something angsty fluff with Ayato and a human s/o?

MUST’VE BEEN THE WIND

Reblogs and Comments are greatly appreciated!!

__________________________________________________________________________

Fandom(s): Tokyo Ghoul

Pairing(s): Kirishima Ayato x Reader

Word Count: 1.4k

Genre(s)/Tag(s): Gender Neutral!Reader, Human!Reader, Angst to Fluff

Notes: Ayato is :re age in this!

Based vaguely on the song “Must Have Been the Wind” by Alec Benjamin

This occurs after the events of Tokyo Ghoul and Tokyo Ghoul :re!

So, minor spoilers for that! (Some stuff may be incorrect; I haven’t finished the manga and am looking at the Wiki for everything)

*TRIGGER WARNING FOR IMPLIED ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS* (not with Ayato)

__________________________________________________________________________

Ayato always prided himself on his hearing. Even for a ghoul, it was exceptional. He had always been able to hear even the smallest detail in a conversation. The rustling of clothes, the quick inhales and exhales, he could hear it all. 

It made for awkward encounters in the apartments around him. Whether that was sex, arguments, or a combination of both, he could hear every syllable. 

Earplugs became his best friend when he was home in his apartment complex. 

At least… until he heard something about you. 

What sounded like a glass shattering against the wall or floor sounded above Ayato. 

With a frown, he paused his video game, and pulled off his noise-canceling headphones to listen better. He didn’t know much about you, only that you lived above him. You were the only one to welcome him into the complex when he moved into his little two-bedroom apartment. 

He knew some vague information about you. 

You lived in apartment 305B, just as he lived in 205B. You kept to yourself but always made it a point to wave to him when you passed each other in the halls.

You were cute, quiet, and, more importantly, you were human. 

Someone shouted. Something about lying. And then you responded.

You sounded like you had been crying.

Another glass, more shouting, more crying. Ayato stared at the ceiling for a moment, debating, thinking, mulling his choices over. Then, he made a choice. 

His game was switched off. He pulled on trousers over his boxer shorts and zipped up his jacket. He was out the door before he even knew what was happening. 

What was he going to do? Fight your significant other? Kill them? He had put that all behind him, what with the incident with his brother-in-law last year. And while he hated the phrase, he considered himself a changed man. And that meant he would actually help humans in need. 

A short elevator ride up to the floor above him, down the hall, third door on the right. He paused outside your apartment door, pausing from knocking on the door. 

What was he doing?

Before he could think too much about it, Ayato took a deep breath and knocked. 

You opened the door a moment later, sweater zipped up to your chin despite the humid summer heat. You swallowed thickly, shifting from side to side, 

“Mr. Kirishima! How can I help you?” You said, the cheer in your voice obviously being fake. Ayato shrugged, 

“Just wondering about the noise I was hearing. Is everything okay?” He said quickly, and you blinked, staring dumbly. 

“Oh! The glass? Sorry, I’m just a bit clumsy! I didn’t mean to disturb you, I’ll be more careful—”

“I meant the yelling. Is everything okay?” He reiterated and watched your face fall. 

“Must’ve been the wind.” You say quickly and go to shut the door. But Ayato can’t shake the feeling that something is terribly wrong. So, he wedges his hand in between the door and the doorframe and stops you. 

“Oi! What's the holdup? Get back in here!” Comes another voice, and your expression twists in a brief flash of fear. It wasn’t on your face for long, but it was there. 

And for whatever reason, it hurt Ayato’s heart to see it. 

But before he can do anything, you shove his hand off the doorframe and shut the door hurriedly in his face.

The next time he goes up to your apartment, it’s a week later. 

Ayato is woken up in the early morning by a slam of a door that rattles the walls of his apartment. Instinctively, he feels his kagune pop and fizzle underneath his skin, and he knows for a fact that his kakugan is turning his eyes into a nightmare of black and red. 

He can hear some angry choice words coming from your partner, and the words make him grimace. No one should be talking about you that way. So, again, he rolls out of bed, throws some clothes on, and heads upstairs to your apartment. He doesn’t even bother to put shoes on.

You take a few minutes to open the door. And, like always, your sweater is zipped to your chin. 

“I said I don’t want to talk—Oh… Mr. Kirishima… You heard all that then?” You trail off and peek around the corner as if waiting for your partner to come storming around the corner. Ayato nods, 

“I heard the slam, at least. Everything okay?” Once you’re satisfied that your partner isn’t going to come back, you sniffle and shake your head. 

“No… Everything is not okay. But I don’t want to bug anyone, so let’s just say that it all is alright?” You say and go to close the door in his face again. 

But… Like last time… Ayato stops you.

“Want to go get coffee?” He blurts, and the door pauses, mere centimeters from shutting all the way. He sees your watery eyes peek out of the crack and swallows. 

What was he doing? 

He really shouldn’t get wrapped up in a human’s business. 

The cafe is quiet, with few people, as you and Ayato take a seat at a booth. You order your drink of choice, and Ayato orders his usual go-to coffee. Black, no cream or sugar. Once you’re settled in with your drinks, you seem to relax, if only slightly. And in turn, that makes Ayato relax. 

“So…” He starts and watches you hide a flinch. Your hands begin to shake. 

“I don’t want to talk about it. Please, if only for a little while.” You whisper, but as always, Ayato’s exceptional hearing picks up on it. 

And your tone of voice just breaks his disgusting black heart.

So… He shrugs, sips his coffee, and changes the subject.

“What do you do for a living?” He inquires, and your eyes shoot up to meet his own in shock. It's as if you’re surprised he actually listened to your plea.

When was the last time someone actually listened to you?

“I—I’m a teacher,” You say, and he feels his lips twitch in a small smile. You reminded him a bit of Hinami. 

“What grade?” He asked, and you huffed out a quiet laugh, and his heart soared at the sound.

“I teach kindergarten. What about you?” At this, he pauses. Could he say what he actually did? Aogiri Tree wasn’t a thing anymore, nor was the CCG, but there was still a stigma around ghouls. 

He then remembered the yelling at your partner. It was always about lies—lying about this and lying about that. 

So he decided on the truth. 

“I work alongside the Tokyo Security Committee with the United Front.” He said quickly and didn’t miss how you stiffened. Your normally floral perfume gained a sharp, bitter scent of fear, and he could hear how your coffee cup rattled in your hands. 

“Are you a ghoul?” You whisper, and he nods,

“I am. Does that scare you?” He asks, and you nod honestly,

“But…” He glances up from his coffee and finds your gaze locked on your lap.

“But what?” You finally meet his gaze, and a single tear drips down your face. 

“You scare me less than my partner.”

It’s at that moment that Ayato decides that he doesn’t want you to live like that any longer. 

“Come with me.” He says quickly, and you frown,

“Pardon?”

“Come with me to the United Front. You’re a human, but they’ll take you in. I have a friend, Fueguchi Hinami. She’s a teacher as well and could use an assistant.” He implores you, reaching across in a moment of bravery to take your hand. You flinch but don’t pull away.  

Instead, you seem to mull it over, nod to yourself once, and offer a watery smile. 

“Okay.”

[lokiiied]

the drinking game scene in rotk bc legolas is just naturally good at everything and also an elf it takes like twenty beers to get him even slightly buzzed and then he’s like, “i feel something…a slight tingle in my fingers. i think it is effecting me!” and éomer is just like #impressedandturnedon

will never not be funny but also imagine:

after legolas “wins” the game and him and éomer lift gimli and relocate him éomer is just amazed at legolas’ elf alcohol tolerance and says,

“have you never been drunk before?” and legolas smiles and says,

“not from this.” to which éomer responds,

“care to have a few more then?” and legolas realises they haven’t really had a chance to get to know each other so he says sure. and about five beers later (ten for legolas, who now cannot stop chugging them) éomer, now very much buzzed himself, leans in a bit more than intended and asks,

“how are you feeling now?” and legolas smirks at him,

“trying to get me drunk, are we?” which makes éomer shift back a bit, trying to read him, and says sarcastically,

“i would never- [and then without meaning to say the rest out loud finishes his sentence]

-seduce a prince” to which legolas’ eyebrows raise and he presses,

“seduce?” and éomer panicks and tries to go back,

“not what i meant, i uhm, not thinking clearly.” but legolas, deciding to indulge, shifts slightly so their knees touch and leans in a bit.

“i think you’re thinking perfectly well.”

and so basically they kiss (no one cares everyone has like centimetres of personal space in there and are all drunk off their asses anyways) and it’s nice, but legolas realises in that moment a couple things:

1. he is maybe a little more drunk than he thought he was

2. it is making him (more) confident?

3. and slightly horny

4. he’s enjoying the attention and flirtation and éomer is very sweet and pretty…but he can’t help imagining éomer is someone else.

5. not just. anyone else.

“i’m sorry”, he gently places both hands on éomer’s shoulders and says,

“i have something i must do now.” and he leaves éomer confused but also he’s probably drunk enough to think think it was all just a weird dream.

suddenly legolas finds himself shoving through drunks and couples, away from the loud and crowded spaces and through hallways…he’s not sure where exactly he’s going, just that his heart is pounding and his feet will lead him to where he wants to be. who he wishes to see.

aragorn is on the balcony, looking out upon the ruined city. he doesn’t feel like celebrating. there’s still a battle to be fought, and although they won this one, it’s not looking very promising. he hears familiar footsteps approaching. light and quiet, but still, he can always sense when the elf is near him.

legolas slows when he sees him. he had so much courage when he was running through the corridors, but now that he was here…his heart is throbbing in his throat and his usual confidence no longer felt elevated. but he knew aragorn must be able to hear his heavy breath, so he swallowed and made his way to the man’s side.

“shouldn’t you be celebrating?” aragorn asks, without turning his head.

“shouldn’t you be with us?” legolas looks to him. taking in his greasy hair and his stubble and his jawline…

aragorn breaks his gaze from the city below, meeting legolas’ eyes. they looked a little glazed, and he could get lost in them if he allowed himself.

“been drinking with the dwarf?” he asks, corner of his mouth turning up into a small smile.

legolas had felt his buzz starting to fade on his run over - it had only lasted 15 minutes or so, and in another 15 it would probably be completely gone. but standing in front of aragorn now, he felt a sudden wave of lust and indulgence washing over him. maybe it was the alcohol…maybe something else. but he decided he wanted to push his luck.

“actually, he’s been passed out about half an hour or so. i beat him in a drinking game.” aragorn chuckled. (god, legolas wanted to kiss that grimy, scratchy, throat)

“is that so?” he could tell legolas was not entirely sober, and he wasn’t sure what direction this conversation was going to take - but he felt compelled to find out.

“mm. apparently it takes a lot of your kind of ale [legolas wasn’t sure what in middle earth had possessed him to reach out and brush his fingers along the front of aragorn’s robes] to take an effect on me.”

“and yet you seem affected, my friend.” aragorn could knew the small act was mindless…but there was also intention to it. he wished legolas would dare even further. for all that had happened, and was happening - he could use a distraction. but legolas wasn’t just a distraction. he was his weakness. and his strength. and the thought of his touch, his smile, his hooded eyes, his parted lips…it was taking everything in aragorn to keep his composure.

the thought of just telling him about his kiss with éomer, was tempting. but then there was a chance that might confuse aragorn. the kiss was nice, but it hadn’t really meant anything to legolas. maybe it wasn’t worth trying to explain all that now.

“i had a realisation.” he decided on that. it was true. and it was what brought him here, standing in front of aragorn now.

“a realisation?” aragorn could feel the world around them start to fade out. his focus only on the small amount of space between legolas and himself. he now had an idea where this might be going, he wanted to coax him on, but he also couldn’t be sure that his imagination wasn’t taking things out of context.

“yes.” legolas wasn’t sure if it was the fading buzz, or the being so close to aragorn, but it was almost like there was some sort of magic that had created a forcefield around the two of them, blocking out the rest of the world. if he was going to be brave enough kiss him, time was of the essence.

“and what is that?” aragorn wasn’t sure how much longer he could bear to be still with legolas looking at him like that. he wasn’t sure how had ever been able to restrain himself from leaning in to his touches and wrapping his arms around that waist and pulling him in so their hearts touched. how he had resisted tucking that glorious hair behind pointed ears and caressing that perfect jaw-

“i kissed éomer.” well, if he was going to confess his truth, he might as well confess all of it. besides, he wanted aragorn to know that

“it happened in the moment. and it was very nice - but it meant nothing, to me at least. but it did lead me to realise that it wasn’t him i had hoped to be kissing…that i…i was thinking of another.”

aragorn had not expected a confession of this sort, and it did surprise him for a moment, he felt a little sorry for éomer. and a little envious, of not being the first to feel legolas’ lips on his own. but he also knew that, to have legolas’ heart was that of hard earned pining, and of highest fortune. and their every moment together had lead to this one. and if he was being truthful, he could have lived in it forever. but fucks sake was it taking too long. he breathed in through his nose and gently placed one hand above legolas’ waist, slowly, carefully, closing the space between their bodies. the other tucking a strand of hair behind pointed ear.

“and might this ‘other’ have had you running through the halls in your courageous and intoxicated state, to confess this truth?” legolas’ breath hitched, he actually wasn’t sure when he had last taken a full breath- his head was cloudy, and he wasn’t sure if what was happening was real - or perhaps a fantasy that he would soon wake from. he had to be sure.

legolas’ soft, but cold hand found it’s way to cup the side of aragorn’s stubbled cheek. he felt some force of nature pulling them together, it was no use fighting. their lips were centimetres apart…

“he may have.” legolas’ eyes were hooded, and those few words to answer aragorn’s question moments ago (seconds? minutes?) were all he could manage to escape his lips before he found them meeting aragorn’s, finally. he breathed in sharp through his nose and let the air travel between them, before breaking away.

legolas’ hands were on the back of aragorn’s neck, contrasting the heat there. his own hands were now gently clutching the elf’s lower back. he was certain legolas’ smile then was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen.

“i don’t think i have ever seen you smile with such ease” legolas teased, but truthfully it must’ve been the prettiest thing he’d ever seen.

“i don’t think it’s ever been so easy to smile.” and he meant it.

“what now?”

“what would you have me do with you?” oh. well, there was no one answer to that. and certainly not a very respectful, elvishly, one. he took aragorn’s hand, leading him away from the balcony and towards presumably whatever closest chamber or reasonably private place they could find.

“very unprincely things.”

[frozenjokes]

Penguins

TW: Grian has major depressive disorder and is going through a severe depressive episode. There are allusions to suicidal ideation, thoughts that are not explored in detail, but are present in this fic. No one is physically harmed, no one tries to harm anyone else, and the themes are mostly hopeful.

“Hey,” Scar waved as he ducked inside Grian’s apartment, a wreck as it was, but Grian didn’t care to clean up, “How are you holding up?”

“Hey,” Grian mumbled from his place on the couch, bundled up in six or seven different blankets. He didn’t entirely know how to answer that question, but Scar could probably assume not good since Grian had asked him to come over in the first place. They hadn’t seen each other since returning from the island, nearly a week now, but not from Scar’s lack of trying.. mostly. They probably both could have stood to try and speak to each other more. “I don’t know,” he decided, finally, “Depressed. But that’s normal. Maybe a little more depressed than average.”

“Hm. Want to go to the zoo?”

Grian snorted a short laugh, but shook his head, “I most definitely do not want to go to the zoo.”

“Darn. What about a hug?”

“I could use a hug.”

Grian tried to sit up, though he struggled within the confines of his self imposed prison, Scar helping him upright with a small chuckle and wrapping him in a hug given unconditionally to anyone that might need it. Grian closed his eyes. It didn’t have to matter that things were rocky between them, not right now. It didn’t have to matter because it didn’t matter to Scar, he would drop anything in an instant for anyone, but..

Grian wanted it to matter. He needed it to matter because he was so tired of this mattering, he didn’t want his world to be in so many pieces anymore, worsened by him and Scar continuing the stomp on the glass. He was too broken to go on like this.

“I don’t like the way things are between us right now.” Grian felt Scar tense around him, but pushed on through a choked up windpipe, “I was really confused about you. I like you, I like you so much, and I haven’t been able to stop, nor do I really want to. I know you feel.. it’s not that you don’t feel the same, you just feel those things differently, and I thought I knew what ‘differently’ meant, but I’ve realized I don’t really know anything at all. And I want to. I want to know.”

Scar was quiet for a long moment, the tension not leaving his arms, “I don’t know if I’m understanding. Could you be clearer?” The meek way he spoke was dizzying, and Grian was relieved he had someone to carry him.

“I want to know how you’d feel about dating. Don’t spare my feelings. Please. Just tell me how it is for you.”

“Okay,” Scar breathed, wavering, like the idea seized his heart just as completely as Grian was paralyzed under its weight. “I don’t mind it, dating. I like it, I do like it, but with you I’m afraid it might be just as stressful as whatever’s happening between us right now. Still, I don’t want to stop doing what we’re doing now. I know it’s bad for me. It’s bad for you. But I like you. I really like you, even when I’m angry at you. Even when it’s bad for me.”

“I don’t think I can carry on doing what we’re doing right now. I’m seriously.. I’m not in good shape, Scar. I’m really not in good shape. And it’s not just about you. It’s not even about Mumbo, my hand. Those things are there, piling up on the massive amount of- bullshit is the word I want to use, but that implies an emotional attachment I feel like I’ve lost the ability to feel. I’m exhausted. The weight of all my issues are latched to my ankles and the only way I can keep going is to just drag myself across the sidewalk by my fingernails. Who knows if I’ll make rent this month. I can’t afford not to care, but I’m too drained to get out of bed before 1:00. I haven’t left the house all week. I don’t-“ Grian’s voice cracked and he needed to stop talking.

Scar considered him for a long while. “I’m not so sure this is about dating.”

Grian didn’t know what to say. The words left him anyway. “I just want it to stop.” Scar stilled. Maybe he didn’t know what that meant, and Grian didn’t either.

“Let me help you with your rent this month, G. When is it due?”

Grian shook his head, he meant to do so violently, but instead he only jerked weakly into Scar’s shoulder, wretched when he spoke. “I already owe Jim money. I can’t- I can’t.” Scar didn’t know Jimmy, but that didn’t seem to matter.

“Are you still unemployed?”

“I don’t- Yes, but..”

“Then let me offer you a job. I’ll find a place for you, temporary or permanent if you like. Pearl and Impulse already love you, and everyone loves Pearl and Impy, the whole staff will take a shine to you, I promise. Hm. We don’t really have many fish besides the ones we feed the animals. Do you like penguins Grian? Oh you’d love the penguins, they’re like land fish if you squint and also don’t look at them at all. We have an underground area where you can see them swimming and hanging out and such, have you been down there before? Training can start tomorrow, we’ll log your hours in the meantime while I get you in the system.”

Grian didn’t want to. He really didn’t want to. There were about a thousand reasons he didn’t want to, but about a thousand more he couldn’t stand to fight this. Too tired. He was much, much too tired. So he didn’t say anything. Maybe that caused some concern in Scar.

“Why don’t we pack you a night bag? Something with a change of clothes for tomorrow that you can bring to my place, then in the morning we can drive together! We could have a classic sleepover, build pillow forts and read scary stories under the blankets. I could invite Bdubs! Cleo? I guess you don’t know either of them too well.. Pearl and Impulse? Any of your friends? I don’t have to know them, we could have a whole meet up!”

Grian wanted to cut in but couldn’t when Scar just kept talking, he wouldn’t stop, and Grian had to wait for him to burn himself out before he could say his peace.

“No. I can’t do that. I don’t want to see anyone. I can’t explain my hand and I can’t come up with an excuse. I don’t.. I can’t stay with you either.”

“Separate rooms, Grian, separate rooms,” Scar’s voice was yearning, the kind of energy that sucked the life right out of Grian’s lungs. It was that, the energy. Too much energy when he just wanted to be alone. Why had he called Scar again?

“No. I don’t want to stay with you.”

“Then I’ll stay here. I keep an extra uniform in the office, so it’s not super ideal, but I’ll just change at the zoo. We’ll keep it quiet, watch a movie if you want to, I’ll make you a nice dinner and we can eat together, yeah?”

“Scar,” Grian was wretched, the closest he’d come to crying after he thought he’d never have the energy to sob again, not that exhaustion the convulsions of his lungs and heart at the tattered breaths he couldn’t quite take completely, “I don’t want you here.”

He hadn’t meant the words harshly, only coming blunt with the absence of brainpower to reorganize them into something more civil, but Scar didn’t look necessarily like he took it personally. He just looked worried, concern continuing to crease the line of his brow at every passing moment.

“Someone else then, someone close to you. Someone who could stay the night, I could call them for you if you needed me to. Etho.. Etho mentioned you were saying some pretty bad things before we all got off the boat, I must’ve missed it with the trance thing but- I mean- I just don’t want you to be alone tonight, that’s all.”

And Grian understood. He understood maybe too late what Scar was worried about, mind too slow to call to mind the kind of dangerous trains of thought abysmally depressed people got up to in the quiet. He snorted, near silent, though the feeling was indignant. As if he had the energy. Grian closed his eyes, though this didn’t relieve the pervasive dry ache under his lids. When had this gotten so bad? What had he done wrong? It was better to think he’d done something wrong than to know he simply was wrong, that he could take his pills and meet his therapists and still it would not change the fact he walked his life on shifting sand, too petrified of falling to notice he’d already been sinking for months. And now, head below the grain, he finally noticed he couldn’t breathe, and the life-giving light of the sun could not reach him here, smothered below the surface. Funny, how it sneaks up on you like that. She’s a clever beast, depression.

“Stay, then,” Grian croaked, answering to the accusation that Scar had not spoken aloud, “If you need to, then stay.” He wriggled slightly in Scar’s arm’s which was enough to get him to release, Grian settling back into position on the couch. The all consuming need to be held had turned to some sick aversion, his misery of isolation flipping ruthlessly to misery he wouldn’t be left alone. Scar was left to sit beside him, though there was not enough room to fit comfortably with Grian laying across the whole couch. Scar looked away. Grian saw him fiddle with his hands.

“I hope you’re not upset with me. I’d be just as happy to leave if you’d rather someone else stay, or I could drive you someplace to stay with them.”

Grian shook his head. “It’s a shitshow.”

“What?”

“Me, sometimes. Most of the time.”

“Oh, no, I don’t think so!”

Grian snorted. “You don’t know.”

Scar was quiet for a long moment, green eyes dull in the low light, boring into the mangy carpet below. He looked up, meeting Grian’s much darker eyes with an emotion so intense that Grian’s own mind waned at the smallest attempt of feeling it. “I would like to.”

And maybe Grian believed him. It was a striking thing to believe him, when Grian often did not in the case of other friends and family repeating that same sentiment, no matter how genuine their intention. He struggled to believe them because he was depressed, that much was true, but his knowing these doubts were not rational did not stop Grian from having them.

They, most people that is, did not know the mess behind his eyes. The tar that coated the filing cabinets in his mind, his legs, his hands, until every movement was an inconvenience, every inconvenience a spark, every spark striking the dry tinder of his bitterness, building the ever growing flame of disorganized anger and frustration and erratic neuroticism that made him a deeply unpleasant person to exist around, and much worse to love. But Scar had seen it. Scar had seen it already, the ugly, obnoxious, hateful thing Grian was, impulsive and brash and mean, Scar had seen it, he’d been seeing it for months, stretching out his own hand, clawed and spiteful and equally vile, and he’d set a dance for the two of them, spinning and swinging and snapping and screeching until the both of their feet were raw, legs shaky, hearts broken, but more than broken, exhausted. Scar had seen Grian. Scar knew him, and it did not scare him, nor did Scar’s cruelties bother Grian. So Grian believed him, and while he was not pleased, he was resigned to how this night was going to go.

“Then.. I guess that’s fine with me.”

***

It was not glamorous, as all things with depression typically go.

The world blurred by whether he was inside or out, with people or not, resting or active, asleep or awake. The kind of sickness that did not ease regardless of the time spent on his phone, with his friends, in therapy, trying different medications.. all of those things felt a little like standing at the shoreline, the waves waxing and waning past your ankles, a feeling at the periferie of your mind. The same thing could be helpful one moment, the relief of cool water over your toes, then abysmally frustrating the next, happiness retreating back into the ocean, seemingly never to be seen again. Grian didn’t seem to be able to control these feelings either, whether an activity was good or bad was a surprise to him as much as it was to everyone else, and often flipped on a dime, usually for the worse. The arbitrary nature in it of itself was a cause of extreme frustration. (Grian thought he’d learned to accept this part of his chronic depression, but as with most things he had declared to accept for what they were, he was wrong.)

But some things did make it better, even if Grian was physically incapable of feeling much more than stress. Items which were going well for him he simply found reasons for them to be stressful, but in hindsight, he simply lacked the ability to see small miracles for what they were.

The zoo, as much as he loathed it most days, was good. Having a job, a reason to coax himself out of the house, that was good. Having money. Not a lot of money, barely enough, but enough to make rent. To pay Jimmy back. To chip in for gas occasionally, when his various friends would let him.

Grian did not have the energy to work a 40 hour week, he struggled even to work a feasible part time job, but Scar was so massively accommodating it hurt. Grian worked about four days a week, three or four hours a day, with some flexibility. There was just as much relief as there was misery in how clear it was that Scar did not need him at the zoo, but he tried to ignore it, compensating by doing the menial and/or tedious tasks most of the other staff would rather shell off to interns, which, by all accounts, Grian filled the role. He was not qualified or allowed to be in close contact with most of the animals, which didn’t bother him at all, and he was often shuffled off between Impulse and Pearl for various chores and housekeeping. He drove himself some days, but found himself to be too dangerous to trust on the road with others, and got some help from Jimmy and/or Joel with rides, as well as Scar and occasionally Pearl or Impulse if one of them happened to be heading out around the same time Grian was. It was odd and stressful relying on so many people like this, but affirmations helped, and the fact that Joel and Lizzie had flexible schedules due to their work as content creators helped even more. Grian still felt bad, but as Jimmy so aptly put one day, ‘You feel bad about everything, those are fake feelings, and you better tell those imposters to shove it before I climb in through your ears and give ‘em a piece of my mind.’ It didn’t stop Grian from feeling bad, but the looming threat of Jimmy sticking his fingers in Grian’s ears was enough to quell him most days.

Grian didn’t actually see Scar very much during the day. He seemed to disappear into thin air, only to be seen out of the corner of his eye in odd places like a Loch Ness monster level myth. Some days Grian missed him, longing for the company of someone sickeningly positive, who held enough energy to knock him clean off his feet. A lot of days Grian was glad for it, bitter and angry that he was here instead of home, that this wasn’t helping, that he was worse off as a zookeeper errand boy than napping at home. He was suspicious of Scar, feelings not his own but prevalent nonetheless, that Scar thought of himself as some kind of savior, that putting Grian to work was some kind of holy act, when in reality he was only drawing out Grian’s suffering.

But Scar was right about one thing, and this was something Grian could not deny or resent him for; it didn’t even trigger his benign paranoia.

Grian liked the penguins.

He wouldn’t say he avoided them week one, because while that would have been petty and extremely in character for him, his brain was too scrambled to even think about it. He’d forgotten Scar had even mentioned penguins until he ended up next to the building at the end of his work day mid-week two. It was hot, he was exhausted, but he was waiting on a ride, and while he would have sat outside regardless of his discomfort, the penguins were right there, and it had to be cool in there, right?

It was indeed, but not uncomfortably so. It was dark, and at 2:00 o’ clock on a weekday, the building was closer to empty than anything. It was quiet. Grian found himself wandering the building like a ghost, glancing at the various exhibits, then relieved to see the penguins had a large area to sit.

So he did. And he watched.

They were very cute. They were clumsy and uncoordinated, running into each other and falling over, and while they weren’t overly active, there were so many that there was always something to look at, or at least the threat of something about to happen, a penguin eying the water or another penguin squirming, settling. Grian found them easy to anthropomorphize, but just as the seeds of human-esc penguin drama were forming in his head, he got the call from Joel. Grian was not so enamored as to be disappointed he had to go, but with time that would change.

Grian could not tell them apart, but he did give them names. These names were assigned to whichever penguin he decided fit the role day by day; Turbo had a very high opinion of herself, always swimming and exiting the water with little care for whoever was in her way, Brittany and Sox were always together, huge gossips, just as obnoxious, Mayonnaise was the cool, mysterious type, he kept to himself, but the others were drawn to him regardless, and Max was a bit strange, but she had her friends, and they all got on well together. There were cliques too; Kickflip, Popcorn, and Baxter were always together, talking shit and ruling the ice under an iron wing, though most of the other penguins found them quite annoying, humoring them just enough to get them to leave the rest of the penguins alone. Poppy, Trippy, Slipknot, and Munch were living in their own world, no one else in their penguin habitar able to get them down except each other; there was a lot of relationship drama, everyone in that flock was a total mess.

In the middle of night, week five, Grian was struck wide awake by the desire to go see his penguins. The kind of thought that left you staring at the ceiling, gaping near drooling, shocked into stillness at the simple sentiment of wanting something. Grian hadn’t wanted anything other than to go home, sleep, and/or waste away for over a month, and he hadn’t anticipated that changing any time soon when getting out of bed was just as bleak and miserable as it was before. He nearly called Scar. He had to go see the penguins. Then the other apathetic 95% of him set in, along with the logical recognition that it was 2:30 AM, Scar was asleep, the penguins were asleep, he should be asleep, and also he didn’t want to do any of that shit anyway.

He did not go back to sleep.

Grian did not go to the zoo the next day either, mostly because he wasn’t working, which would have been entirely enough on a normal day; case closed, he didn’t have work so he wasn’t going to go to work, thank god, right?

This was the oddest part of depression; to see a spark of light and instinctively cover his eyes, to bury deeper under the sand, to smother himself when he forgot what it was like to breathe, because learning to do so again was more terrifying than continuing to waste. He was used to coaxing himself forward and hating every step. He wasn’t ready for it to be easier, mentally easier, but still so impossibly hard.

This was the worst part. Where he was no longer a miserable mind trapped in a dead body, but the same mind given the power to move, to act. Who might he hurt in the path of his own destruction? A mother? Student? Someone with potential, promise? Selfish, selfish. He considered hospitalization for the first time, if only for the benefit of the world rather than himself. Jimmy had suggested it weeks prior, but Grian had dismissed the thought, too exhausted to even consider checking his sorry ass into the hospital. But even now, all it would do was keep him safe, then he’d burn through his non-existent savings for the sole purpose of not dying, and what was the point of that? Hospitalization would not help him. It would not fix him, just like pills and therapy and going outside would not fix him. Even if it kept Grian’s condition from worsening it would not be worth it, and honestly, given the state of some hospitals, the dreary, hopeless misery that permeated the halls, it wasn’t out of the realm of possibility he’d leave worse than he came in. And who gave a fuck if he got worse? He would never be better, never, he would never be better, he would grapple with this monster his entire life, and was it really- seriously, was it really worth it?

“Hey, Grian, what’s up?”

Grian hadn’t remembered dialing Jimmy’s number. He didn’t even remember picking up his phone.

“Grian?”

“Can you take my keys?”

“What?”

“My car keys. Can you take them?”

Jimmy knew what it meant. He knew. “I’ll be over as soon as I can, I’m leaving now. Ten minutes, probably? How about we stay on the phone.”

Grian agreed, quietly. He did not have much of a choice, but he would not have hung up even if Jimmy had never suggested he stay. He was afraid. Afraid of getting better, spurred into wretchedness by glimpsing a spark of light in the all encompassing, sticky darkness. Pathetic, utterly.

***

He took Jimmy to see the penguins. He took Joel, then Joel again but this time with Lizzie, he made Pearl come see them and Impulse too, despite the fact they’d both seen the penguins hundreds of times. He wished he could take Mumbo. It was the first time he’d thought of Mumbo in weeks, months maybe. Time passed oddly.

The stories Grian had weaved about his penguins had become intricate sagas, no longer kept secret, shared with anyone who would listen to him ramble on and on. He started to recognize them in earnest, no longer guessing when assigning them their names, and every single penguin had a name now, they were all part of his story, vast and important.

Grian did not take Scar. Not out of malice or anything adjacent, Grian just rarely saw him during the work day, even when he started to work more hours. When Grian did see Scar, he was usually busy, caught up with wrestling bears or entertaining crowds or whatever else it was that he did. Scar was a little intimidating to approach during the day, and while Grian saw him after work plenty often (usually against his will, but Scar was the pushy type), he felt a little silly asking Scar to go back to the zoo with him, despite knowing Scar would be delighted to do so.

But eventually, when the penguin house was quiet and Grian was alone, Scar found him. If Grian was being honest with himself, he’d expected Scar to ruin the mood, loud and brash as he was, but Scar seemed to understand the atmosphere he’d established, silent as he walked up behind Grian, then sidled around the bench, sitting beside him. Grian was startled to see him, guilt prickling at the edges of his mind, but Scar’s smile was kind, the soft light of the exhibit catching his face flatteringly.

“I keep hearing about these penguins second hand!” he said, the exclamation persevered in a whisper, “I feel like I’ve been trying to catch you here for weeks, you just slip away!”

“I don’t visit unpredictably,” Grian snorted, amusing himself with the thought of banter, “At the end of my shift, every day. Don’t you make my schedule?”

“Just because a man writes your hours does not mean he goes and memorizes it! Pearl and Impulse do more work ordering you around than I do anyway, they have far more to say about when you come in.”

“I don’t see how this stops you from checking my schedule and finding out exactly when I’m here.”

“You think I have time for that?”

“If you have time to look for me with the penguins, yes, I do think you have time.”

Scar inclined his head back, nodding thoughtfully. “Yes, I guess that’s true. If you hate fun.”

“Irrelevant.” Grian pointed an accusatory finger, poorly hiding his own smirk, “This isn’t about fun, I might even argue this isn’t about wasting time either, I think you’re just lazy.”

“What are you, a lawyer?”

“But laziness doesn’t quite fit, does it. It would save you time to check my schedule, and ultimately it would save you trips to the penguins as well, checking to see if I’m here. Laziness might be a factor; you’d rather check the penguins than glance at my schedule, but I think something else is going on here..”

“Oh? Do tell.”

“I think..” Grian drew out the words, Scar leaning forward on his hands.

“Come on, G! I’m on the edge of my seat here!”

“I think you like penguins!” Grian stabbed his pointer finger into Scar’s chest, the other yelping in sharp surprise and throwing his hands up in defense.

“Well if that’s the case, I’d say you’re probably right! I do like penguins. I can’t say I like them as much as you do though, there are certain areas of animal enjoyment of which I can not compete. You, sir, are the penguin king.”

“Not true.” Grian corrected him, having some success keeping his straight face, “The penguins do not have a monarchy, they don’t even have leaders, no matter what The Iron Wings have to say about it. You can humor them, but it won’t stop you from getting pushed around, no sir.”

Scar sat back, arms crossed and relaxed. “Please, tell me more.”

“Those three,” Grian pointed to one corner of the enclosure, where three of the larger penguins were congregated, huddled together, “Kickflip. Popcorn. Baxter. Those are the guys you gotta look out for, they’d like very much to disrupt the peace of the metropolis. Establish an oligarchy, take control. Secretly, they’re all in a relationship together, but they can’t let word get out, because penguin polyamory isn’t a socially accepted form of love yet. It was a long road of acceptance to get to the point where they could all confess their feelings to each other, a lot of ups and downs and sick jealousy, but they’ve made it, and they’re happier than they’ve ever been. The politics are really important to those guys, so this is a really big deal to them, but they’ve kinda failed to realize no one else gives a fuck. Don’t tell them that though, they’d throw a real stink about it. More than anything, the three of them just want to be taken seriously. Unfortunately they’ve gone about it by being assholes. Everyone finds them really annoying, but saying so just leads to more trouble than it’s worth.”

“I see, I see,” Scar nodded, like the matter was one of grave importance, “What about the people? What part do they play in penguin society?”

“Oh, people? I don’t care about the people.”

“I would think they play a pivotal role in penguin life given they’re always watching. Feeding them, caring for them, you know.”

“Well sure, but who cares about people when you can think about the penguins. I’m here for the penguins. They like people because people feed them, but in the end, people are irrelevant. This is about each other.”

Scar chuckled, “If you say so.”

“I do say so.”

Scar sighed, a content kind of sound, one that lead nicely back to the comfy quiet of the penguin exhibit, dark and cool and safe. They watched in silence together, only broken occasionally by Scar asking a question, or Grian pointing out a certain behavior that contributed to the plot of his penguin soap opera. It was nice, surprisingly lower energy than the regaling of the penguin characters typically were to Grian’s other friends, but maybe that’s because Scar found him first, Scar was asking the questions, and there was no rush to keep his attention. A good thing, decidedly. Very good.

“How’ve you been feeling lately?” was a question that seemed to come out of nowhere, a question Grian liked much less. Maybe Scar noticed, because he followed up quickly, “You look well. Every time I see you I feel like you look a little better, and maybe it's not true- it doesn’t have to be true of course, I’ve just been glad for you.”

“I’m fine.” Grian answered a little more tersely than he’d meant to, but he didn’t correct himself. Scar’s face fell.

“You’re not well?”

Grian shrugged, struggling not to be frustrated. “I’m fine. Not good. Not bad. Just fine. Probably starting to level out to the normal feeling of mildly shitty all the time. Planned a small fishing thing with Gem, we’re going to be out all day Sunday. I’m looking forward to it. That’s a novelty.”

“Goodness,” Scar hissed, his frustration firing up Grian’s own anger, bristling until Scar continued on, “All the time? You feel shitty all the time? How many drugs are you on where you still feel shitty all the time, come on. Who’s your doctor? What are they doing, kicking their feet?”

Grian snorted despite himself. “You’d think so, wouldn’t you.”

“I do! This is crazy, isn’t it? How long has it been, nearly three months now? All that time of you being so sick, and nothing being done about it. That’s stupid!”

“That’s depression.”

“That’s stupid.”

“Yeah,” Grian drew in a long breath, releasing it without joy, “It’s pretty dumb. Psychiatrists don’t even know why the simplest drugs help some people and not others. It’s a mess. I try something for a few days, it doesn’t work, I try something else, suddenly I want to die more than I did before, they take me off that, put me on something else. Who knows if what I’m on now is even helping, or if that’s just time. Sometimes that’s how it feels. I have a mental health crisis, everyone in my life starts buzzing around like frightened bees, trying everything, only for time to be what brings me back to the surface. It’s not consistent either, no ‘Just hold on for three months and you’ll be good,’ it's just.. waiting. That’s depression. Why does it pass? Why does it happen in the first place? Who knows.”

“That- That feels- That is so dumb.”

“You’re preaching to the choir, dude.”

“I know,” Scar threw his hands over his eyes with a short hiss, like the failures of neuroscience and psychiatry had wronged him personally, “I’m sorry. All of this just.. I want things to be okay for you. I want you to stick around. I like when you’re around.”

Grian shrugged, unsure what he meant by the gesture even as he made it. “I guess I’m glad to hear it. I’m doing my best.”

“I appreciate that. I appreciate you.”

Grian snorted a small laugh, unsure how else to react. “You appreciate my valiant effort to not kill myself?”

“I- Yes!” Scar piped up, defensive in his confusion, or maybe alarmed by Grian’s bluntness, “And I don’t think that’s a terribly weird thing to say, either! I do appreciate you! I think you’ve been doing a very good job of it too!”

Grian laughed in earnest, shaking his head and speaking sarcastically, “I guess I have.”

“You have!” Scar lunged forward to grab Grian’s hands, both of them equally, like there wasn’t a thing wrong, like there was no part of Grian that Scar would prefer not to touch. The movement snapped Grian out of his dismal, left helplessly to stare into Scar’s wide eyes, colored blue in the low light of the penguin exhibit. “You have. And I’m glad you’re here. I’m really glad you’re here.”

Grian didn’t know what to do. What to say. Like a rubber band stretched too thin, something snapped at the back of his mind and he broke into a fit of sobs, collapsing into Scar’s arms. Ending just how he started, but not ending permanently.

It wasn’t nice, sobbing was never a nice feeling, but it didn’t have to be nice. Depression was not nice, but love could fight just as dirty, couldn’t it, catching and holding you and forcing you to see it clearly, look it in the eyes and understand that even packaged with the grime, your friends would miss you if you went away. They loved you and they were proud of you and they knew it wasn’t fair, but they saw that you kept going, even when it was hard, even when you were so afraid.

It wasn’t over. Grian was still so fragile, he knew little of how to navigate the world he’d been absent from for so long, but god, he was going to keep trying.

The penguins paid the two of them no mind. They were caught up in their own affairs.