#I haven’t seen her say anything queer positive either | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

idreamtofmanderleyagain · 4 years ago

Text

Five years ago, the women on this site who treated me like trash over loving Labyrinth and shipping Jareth/Sarah were almost always obliviously consuming Radfem propaganda, or were out and out Radfems/Terfs themselves.

They were the types of people who casually threw the word “pedophile” around against grown women who shipped an adult Sarah with Jareth, aka literally one of the most popular ships for women in fandom for 30 years.

Pretty much invariably, these women had serious sex-negative anxieties, which included a severe paranoia about any and all kink and fetish, and porn in general. I saw a lot of shocking, fear-mongering propaganda surrounding sexual expression. Pretty much invariably, their method of approach involved immediate personal shock-value attacks on anyone they perceived to be “bad.”

Today, you can look at the way some people react to other popular so-called “problematic” ships and recognize the same toxic, fear-mongering rhetoric coming from women who consider themselves regular, trans-inclusive feminists. Sometimes it even manifests in the words of very well-meaning people (including myself here), who feel the need to talk about specific issues that pertain to their own experiences of trauma and oppression.

The people who shit on Labyrinth often seem to not really be able to comprehend that the Goblin King, like the film itself, is canonically a representation of a teen girl’s psyche, a soup of fears and anxieties and desires and dreams. He’s not a literal human adult preying on a literal child, and to read the film that way seriously undermines the entire point of the film.

When I (and people of many fandoms) say “This is fiction, calm down,” I’m not just saying it’s not real so it cant hurt you and you can’t criticize me. I’m trying to call attention to what fiction actually is - artistic representations of feelings and experiences. The Goblin King is Sarah’s fiction. Therefore, he can be anything she or any woman who identifies with her wants him to be, including her lover when she’s grown and ready for such a thing.

I once took an alarming dive into Beetlejuice fandom to see what content was there (the cartoon was a favorite when I was little). Chillingly, what you’ll find is an extremely wounded fanbase, with a sharp divide between the older women who had long been shipping BJ/Lydia because of their love for the cartoon series (and whom were previously the vast majority of the Beetlejuice fandom), and a massive amount of young people riding the wave of the musical fad who had decided that the entire old school Beetlejuice fandom was populated by literal pedophiles.

I saw death threats. Suicide baiting. Constant, constant toxic discourse. It did not matter how the BJ/Lydia fandom dealt with any particular issues that would exist in their ship, in fact I’m certain that the people abusing them cared very little to even consider if they were trying to handle it at all. The only thing that mattered was that they were disgusting subhuman scum asking for abuse. If you have at any time reblogged recent Beetlejuice fan art or content from fans of the musical, you have more than likely been engaging positively with the content of someone participating in toxic fandom behavior.

Nobody is really sticking up for them, either, as far as I saw. It’s really hard to imagine how painful it must be to have such a large group of people explode into into your relatively private fandom space to tell you that you are evil, vile, and deserve constant abuse, and also you are no longer allowed into the fandom space to engage in it’s content. But I think there’s something very alarming indeed about this happening specifically to the BJ fandom, and I’ll explain why.

The pop-culture characterization of Beetlejuice, which is heavily influenced by the cartoon series to be clear, has always in my mind been a vaguely ageless being who matches with the psychological maturity of whatever age Lydia is supposed to be. He’s more or less like an imaginary friend, a manifestation of Lydia’s psyche. In fact, I would argue that i think most of us who grew up with the cartoon or it’s subsequent merchandizing before the musical ever existed probably internalized the idea as BJ and Lydia as this ageless, salt-and-pepper-shaker couple beloved by the goth community, similar to Gomez and Morticia. In each version of canon he may be a creepy ghost in the literal sense, but any adult who is capable of identifying literary tropes (even just subconciously) would read cartoon!BJ as an artistic representation of a socially awkward outcast girl’s inner world. Lydia’s darker dispositions and interests, which alienate her from most others, are freely accepted and embraced by her spooky magical friend. BJ/Lydia in the cartoon were depicted as best friends, but to my memory there was always an underlying sense that they had secret feelings for each other, which I identified easily even as a small child. In fact, their dynamic and behavior perfectly reflected the psychological development of the show’s target demographic. They are best friends who get into adventures and learning experiences together, who have delicate feelings for each other but lack any true adult romantic/sexual understanding to acknowledge those feelings, let alone pursue them.

Though I haven’t seen the Musical yet, I’ve read the wiki and I would argue that it embodies this exact same concept even more so for it’s own version of the characters, in that Beetlejuice specifically exists to help Lydia process her mother’s death.

This is not a complicated thing to recognize and comprehend whatsoever. In fact, it looks downright blatant. It’s also a clear indicator of what BJ/Lydia means to the women who have long loved it. It was a story about a spooky wierd girl being loved and accepted and understood for who she was, and it gave them a sense of solidarity. It makes perfect sense why those women would stick with those characters, and create a safe little space for themselves to and imagine their beloved characters growing and having adult lives and experiencing adult drama, in just the same ways that the women of the Labyrinth fandom do. That’s all these women were doing. And now, they can’t do it without facing intense verbal violence. That safe space is poisoned now.

Having grown up with the cartoon as one of my favorites and been around goth subculture stuff for decades, I was actually shocked and squicked at the original Beetlejuice film’s narrative once I actually saw it, because it was extremely divorced from what these two characters had evolved into for goth subculture and what they meant to me. It’s not telling the same story, and is in fact about the Maitland's specifically. In pretty much exactly the same way two different versions of Little Red Riding Hood can be extremely different from each other, the film is a different animal. While I imagine that the film version has been at the heart of a lot of this confused fear-mongering around all other versions of the characters, I would no more judge different adaptations of these characters any more than I would condemn a version of Little Red in which Red and the Wolf are best friends or lovers just because the very first iteration of LRRH was about protecting yourself from predators.

I would even argue that the people who have engaged in Anti-shipper behavior over BJ/Lydia are in intense denial over the fact that BJ being interested in Lydia, either as blatant predatory behavior a la the film or on a peer level as in the cartoon (and musical?) is an inextricable part of canon. Beetlejuice was always attracted to Lydia, and it was not always cute or amusing. Beetlejuice was not always a beloved buddy character, an in fact was originally written as a gross scumbag. That’s just what he was. Even people engaging with him now by writing OC girlfriends for him (as stand-ins for the salt-and-pepper-shaker space Lydia used to take up, because obviously that was part of the core fun of the characters), or just loving him as a character, are erasing parts of his character’s history in order to do so. They are actively refusing to be held responsible for being fans of new version of him despite the fact that he engaged in overt predatory behavior in the original film. In fact, I would venture to say that they are actively erasing the fact that Musical Beetliejuice tried to marry a teenager and as far as I’m aware, seemed to like the idea (because he’s probably a fucking figment of her imagination but go off I guess). The only reason they can have a version of this character who could be perceived as “buddy” material is because...the cartoon had an impact on our pop cultural perception of what the character and his dynamic with Lydia is.

We can have a version of the Big Bad Wolf who’s a creepy monster. We can have a version who’s sweet and lovable. We can have a version that lives in the middle. We can have a version who’s a hybrid between Red and the Wolf (a la Ruby in OUAT). All of these things can exist in the same world, and can even be loved for different reasons by the same people.

I’ve been using Beetlejuice as an example here because it’s kind of perfect for my overall point regarding the toxic ideologies in fandom right now across many different spaces, including ones for progressive and queer media, and how much so many people don’t recognize how deeply they’ve been radicalized into literalist and sex-negative radfem rhetoric, to the point where we aren’t allowed to have difficult, messy explorations of imperfect, flawed humans, and that art is never going to be 100% pure and without flaw in it’s ability to convey what it wants to convey.

This includes the rhetoric I’ve seen across the board, from She-Ra to A:TLA to Star Wars to Lovecraft Country. We don’t talk about the inherent malleable, subjective, or charmingly imperfect nature of fiction any more. Transformation and reclamation are myths in this space. Everything is in rigid categories. It is seemingly very difficult for some of these people to engage with anything that is not able to be clearly labeled as one thing or another (see the inherent transphobic and biphobic elements of the most intense rhetoric). They destroy anything they cannot filter through their ideology. When women act in a way that breaks from their narrative of womanhood (like...not having a vagina), then those women must be condemned instead of understood. Anything that challenges them or makes them uncomfortable is a mortal sin. There is an extraordinary level of both hypocrisy and repressive denial that is underlying the behavior I’m seeing now. Much like toxic Christian conservatism, these people often are discovered engaging in the same behaviors and interests that they condemn behind closed doors (or just out of sheer cognitive dissonance). As an example, one of the people who talked shit to me about Labyrinth was a huge fan of Kill La Kill, which to my knowledge was an anime about a teenage girl in like, superpowered lingere (hence why I stayed the fuck away from that shit myself). Indeed, they even allow themselves plenty of leeway for behavior far worse than they condemn others for, and create support systems for the worst of their own abusers.

Quite frankly, I’m tired. Instead of talking about theoretical problematic shit, we need to start talking about quantifiable harm. Because as far as I can tell, the most real, immediate, and quantifiable harm done because of anybody’s favorite ships or pieces of media seems to consistently be the kind that’s done to the people who experience verbal violence and abuse and manipulation and suicide baiting and death threats from the people who have a problem.

#Beetlejuice #Labyrinth #toxic fandom

398 notes · View notes

vivienneodusanya · 4 years ago

Text

south asian rep — please read !!

hi so i haven’t seen a post as of now about south asian rep in tsc and i need to get this out of the way~

firstly, we need to understand the countries that come under south asia -

-> Afghanistan, India, Pakistan, Bangladesh, Sri Lanka, Nepal, Bhutan and Maldives.

south asia is the most populated geographical region of the world, with some of the countries mentioned above being among the top 10 most populated countries in the world.

the south asian diaspora is one of the largest in the world, and despite being highly - educated and hard - working, is still underappreciated.

but let’s get to south asian rep, shall we ?

-> in general, south asians aren’t really represented, be it in books, movies or tv shows. most of the time there isn’t any south asian rep despite our substantial population -- and when we do get some sort of rep, usually it isn’t accurate. there are a few books + tv shows which get it right, ngl, but it’s very, very, very insignificant in number.

-> not to mention that in the books where we do get rep, most non-south asians choose to not read the particular book and educate themselves about our culture for reasons i’ll never comprehend bc they’re very ignorant [ tb to the time i was checking out a book by an indian author on goodreads and someone asked if the book was in english and even if it was in english, whether they would understand anything. um. ]

anyway, this is what i wanted to say with regard to south asian rep in tsc -- it’s really, very, positively poor.

i’m talking about two characters in the whole of tsc -- divya joshi from tda [ i was super-excited when i first read her name bc it was indian, but then i realised she doesn’t do much ] and of course, ariadne bridgestock from tlh.

ariadne is a really good character, don’t get me wrong, it’s great to see a queer brown girl. but there are two things which worried me about her character :

A) she sounds like a white person with brown skin. there’s nothing whatsoever mentioned about her culture, or anything related. she was conveniently unconscious for most of the book, but i hope that in coi this is corrected, bc if not i’m going to just curl up into a ball and cry.

B) her eyes. her freaking amber-coloured eyes. amber eyes are extremely rare [ about 5% of the world’s population if google is correct ].And of course, ariadne had to have them. And of course, the most attractive thing about her had to be the amber eyes. I mean, obviously brown women with brown eyes aren’t thaaat pretty, right ? [ I’m not saying indians don’t have amber eyes. Apparently very few do but I’ve personally never seen or heard of them ] oh, and the actress that cc said looks like ariadne on pinterest DOESN’T HAVE AMBER EYES.

idk i’m pretty sure some people are going to say that i’m making mountains out of molehills, but the problem is that -- like i mentioned above -- her eyes are seen as the most attractive part of her. poc women with light eyes are already unnecessarily exoticised, don’t perpetuate it, please.

this is coming at a time when most Indians, especially in white countries, are mistaken to be part of either the Black or Latinx community. And at a time when most Indian women are told that they ‘look pretty for an Indian girl’ [ this comment has been the source of countless rants by countless indian women ].

anyway, I’ve put up a few pictures of Indian women along with this post -- Indian women wHO HAVE DARK EYES AND WHO ARE BEAUTIFUL. Also, I’ve talked about Indians towards the end bc of the two south asians we got, both are Indian. There are no Pakistanis, Afghans, Bhutanese, Bengalis, Nepalese, Sri Lankans or Maldivians at all.

Go think about it.

639 notes · View notes

gra-sonas · 4 years ago

Link

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Roswell New Mexico (TV 2019) Rating: Mature Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Relationships: Michael Guerin/Alex Manes Characters: Alex Manes, Michael Guerin, Isobel Evans Additional Tags: Minor Isabel Evans/Gregory Manes, Canon Disabled Character, Soulmates, Handprint Summary:

"Listen, darlin’. I don’t think because I say darlin’ that’s gonna bring you your soulmate. But, maybe I’m wrong, maybe I don’t fully understand and they’re gonna find you, darlin’." - recorded by Cowboy for Airmanes

Michael used to work for an anonymous, queer-friendly sex hotline (going by the nickname Cowboy) while he was in college, and Alex commissioned him to record a message for him while he was deployed. One day, their paths cross.

Alriiiiight, happy Malex Monday! I meant to write a short ficlet, inspired by Vlamis recording a message for a fan, saying darlin’ three times. For reasons unknown, this turned into a 5.5K fic I wrote this afternoon/evening.

This is a soulmate AU, and there’s some handprint stuff going on. And while this is mostly fluff, the fic is rated Mature (I know, *gasp*). Uhm, enjoy?

~*~

When Alex listens to the message Cowboy has recorded for him, he has a hard time (pun intended) keeping quiet and not scream into his pillow. It's a close call. Even though the need to get off is overwhelming, he's careful to move his body into a more comfortable position without jostling the bunk bed too much. He hears Ogden in the bottom bed grumble in his sleep once, but he doesn't wake up. Small mercies.

Alex feels like an hour passes before he can finally wrap his hand around his hard cock and take care of his needs with the tiniest movements. He keeps listening to Cowboys recording over and over again, and he manages to time his orgasm with the final darlin' of the message.

Wow, Alex doesn't want to exaggerate, but he thinks he's never come harder in his life. Cowboy's voice's just doing it for Alex, always, has. But the darlin'? Surefire way to get him off in no time. It's the first night in a long time that Alex sleeps so deep, that not a single nightmare haunts his dreams.

The recording continues to bring Alex comfort and orgasms in the middle of an ongoing war, and he can't help but dream up scenarios where he meets Cowboy one day, and they realize that they are indeed soulmates. A soldier can dream, right?

Months go by and after one fateful and utterly horrible day, the war is over for Alex. He returns home to Roswell via a short stint in Landshut, Germany. Half of his right leg is missing, but they give him a purple heart as a consolation price and a thank you for his service. Not that anyone actually thanks him.

It takes Alex another couple of months until he can walk again without the help of a crutch. He celebrates this newfound mobility freedom at a local bar, the Wild Pony. He's sitting at one of the tables, nursing a beer, when two people occupy the table next to his. A tall blonde woman, and a handsome man with curly hair that spills out under the brim of a black cowboy hat. A cowboy hat. Alex tries not to be too obvious, but he keeps looking at the man every now and then.

He can't hear what they're talking about, their voices a soft murmur, but then someone feeds the jukebox with a dollar, and suddenly the couple has to raise their voices.

"Come on, Michael. Don't be such a sourpuss. I want to celebrate that you're back home. It's been a dull year without you. I've talked to Max, he's promised to be on his best behavior," the woman says.

Michael. "Nice name," Alex thinks. He's just reaching for his bottle to take another sip when Michael answers.

"Ugh, Iz, do I have to come? I'd love to spend an evening with just you, but you know Max, he won't stop nagging me."

Alex freezes. He knows that voice. Intimately (well, in a way). But the man can't be Cowboy, can he? In Roswell of all places? Alex tries to be subtle by moving his chair a fraction of an inch to get a better view at the neighboring table.

He keeps staring and almost jumps up when the woman (Iz)'s phone starts buzzing. She checks the display. "That's Greg, I have to take this call outside. Please don't leave, I'll be back in a minute."

Michael demonstratively takes his hat off and puts it on the chair next to him. He smiles at her. "No worries, I'll still be here. Say hi to your beau and tell him I hope to meet him soon." She grins. "Not sure I should introduce him to you. He's your type, brother dearest."

Alex can't see Michael's face properly, but his voice sounds annoyed. His voice, that Alex is fairly certain, is that of Cowboy, the man of his (sex) dreams. "As if I'd ever make a move at someone who's involved with someone else, let alone someone who's dating my sister, who also happens to be my best friend."

Iz laughs. "Good boy. Now give me a minute, I have to talk to my boyfriend." She leaves.

Alex's hands are sweaty because now would be a good moment to approach the man, but what would he even say. "Hi, you're that guy from the queer-friendly sex hotline, and months ago you recorded a message for me I like to get off to. Nice to finally meet you in person."

Not awkward at all. But he also needs to know what the man looks like. So far, he's only seen part of his face (there seems to be stubble, which Alex approves of) and lots and lots of unruly honey-golden curls. In an unplanned move, he accidentally knocks his beer bottle over and the remaining beer spills all over his table.

"Damn," he mumbles under his breath, patting down the pockets of his jacket in search of tissues to mop up the mess.

Suddenly, there's movement at the table next to him and Michael turns around, a squarely folded piece of cloth (a bandana?) in his hand. "Here, take this."

Alex feels dizzy looking at the man. Not in his wildest dreams did he imagine that Cowboy would look like that, but now? Even if this man turns out to be not Cowboy, Alex will forever have this visual when he plays the darlin' message.

Not the moment to think about that, though. He collects himself enough to say something. "Uhm, are you sure? That looks very nice and clean, I'm sure they have paper towels at the bar."

Michael's smile is almost blinding. "Don't worry about it, it's one of my oldest bandanas, it deserves to die in the most heroic way – drowning in alcohol."

Alex snorts. "Okay, thank you." He reaches for the bandana, and for a second, their fingertips touch. Alex's vision goes blurry and he tries his best to inhale, but there doesn't seem to be enough air to fill his lungs. He gasps.

When he feels a strong, warm hand clapping down on his shoulder, he can suddenly see clear again, his lungs expand without pain, and warmth is flooding his body.

He goes almost pliant under Michael's touch (because of course it's his hand).

"Wow," Michael says, and if that isn't the perfect word to describe the situation.

Alex tries to remember how words are formed. "Do you feel it, too?" Michael just nods. "In Roswell of all places," Alex says dryly.

Michael snorts. "You wouldn't believe how apt that actually is. All things considered."

"I don't know what that means, but I'm sure I'll find out eventually. I mean, I don't want to assume, but I will find out eventually, right?"

"Yes, beautiful stranger, you will. I never expected this to happen to me, but now that it did happen, I want to know everything about you. What's your name, handsome?"

Alex can't believe that this beautiful man is his soulmate, let alone that he found him in this godforsaken town he'd never expected to return to before he lost his leg.

"Well, handsome does have a name. It's Alex. And you are—."

Alex takes a calculated breath before he says "Cowboy," at the same time Michael says "Michael."

They stare at each other. Michael's eyes are wide. "How do you—?"

Alex blushes, and he considers not answering the question for a second, but this is his soulmate asking. "I'm—I'm not just Alex, I'm also darlin'."

Michael's eyes grow impossibly wider, then he bursts out laughing. "Oh my god, that was you? I couldn't stop listening to your message either. It's been very – how can I put this – inspiring?"

"Well, in true Pavlovian fashion, I can promise you that calling me darlin' will get me hard and off in no time," Alex says, keeping his voice low. He should be beet-read, but he's beyond feeling ashamed. In fact, he feels emboldened, and if the glint in Michael's eyes is anything to go by, he's certain there's one hell of an orgasm in his near future.

Before he can put more thought into that possible scenario, Iz returns to the table. She looks at both men and raises an eyebrow.

"Michael, why are you holding hands with this man?"

Michael looks down at their clasped hands, apparently, he doesn't know either when they started holding hands. For a moment, Alex considers letting go of Michael to greet Michael's sister properly, but he can't bear the thought of losing the physical contact right now.

Michael kisses the back of Alex's hand, then he looks up at Iz. "Isobel, this is my soulmate. His name's Alex."

"He's your—Michael! I leave the table for five minutes, and I come back to you having found your soulmate? I didn't even know that we could until recently." She seems exasperated, but then her smile goes soft.

She sits down across from them and looks at Alex. "I'm sorry, Alex, I didn't mean to be rude. This is just a lot to take in. Uhm, I've met with Michael tonight to convince him to come and visit me, and spend time with our brother Max tomorrow. And I haven't been quite honest with Michael."

She squeezes her eyes shut and takes a deep breath. "Michael, Max and I were going to tell you, that we met our soulmates this week. Max bumped into Liz who's in town to visit her dad, and I happened to meet Greg at an event I organized for his school."

Alex perks up. "Greg isn't Gregory Manes, though, right? Teacher at the elementary school up at the reservation?"

Isobel blinks. "How do you even know about him? Oh my god, you're his brother! You're Alex Manes!" Alex nods. Isobel looks at him more closely. "Now that I know, it's obvious, you look so much alike. This is wild. I think I need a drink. You in? Shots are on me."

Alex and Michael look at each other and nod. There are only so many earth- and life-shattering revelations one can handle without being at least a little bit drunk.

Isobel stands up and walks over to the bar to order. The bartender reaches for one of the top-shelf bottles. Well, they have something huge to celebrate, this definitely calls for the good tequila.

Michael nudges him. "So, I know this has already been a lot, but there's something else you need to know about me, but I'd rather tell you about it when it's just the two of us. It's nothing bad, don't worry, I'd just prefer to tell – and show – you in private."

Alex smiles. "Whatever it is, I can handle it. Just real quick before your sister comes back. Does she know about the hotline job?"

Michael shakes his head. "No, she doesn't, actually. I got my engineering degree at UNM, and I picked up the job to make a little extra money for all the things my scholarship didn't pay for, and those requested messages were paid really well. It's been a great job, I was actually quite good at it, too, but now that I have my degree, it's a thing of the past. I don't really mind anyone knowing, but I'd rather this stays our naughty little secret."

"Oh, believe me, I'm not overly eager to tell anyone that your voice has provided me with some of the best orgasms. No need to look so smug, Michael," Alex grouses, but he smiles.

Michael turns his head, his face is very close all of a sudden, and his lips look plush and moist and oh-so-kissable. They look at each other.

"Alex," Michael whispers.

Alex closes the distance between them and then they kiss. Stars align, the universe expands, and Alex knows he's finally home. Not in Roswell, they could be anywhere right now, on this planet, or in another galaxy. No, home is in Michael's arms, in the sweetness of his breath, the sound of his low moans, and the soft touch of his fingers caressing the hair at the nape of Alex's neck.

"Ah, first soulmate kiss. I remember. So intense," Isobel says, and places three shot glasses and a bottle of tequila on the table.

They don't want to stop kissing, but they do. It's the polite thing to do. But it's hard. Alex would rather be alone with Michael. As if he's been reading his mind, Michael leans closer and whispers "One shot, then we leave. She'll understand. But I need to be alone with you."

Alex closes his eyes and inhales deeply in an attempt to calm his nerves. Michael's scent is intoxicating, he smells like leather and rain. Alex wants to drown in the smell. When a cold shot glass is shoved into his hand, he blinks his eyes open again.

"Earth to Alex, are you back with us?" Isobel smirks, but her eyes are kind and understanding.

"Yeah, sorry, it's just a lot to take in, and Michael smells so good. I'm sorry, but can we get this over with? I really need to be alone with him."

Isobel nods. "You know what, why don't you take the bottle home with you, and some time this week, we all meet and celebrate."

Michael nods and picks his hat up from the chair. "Excellent idea. I knew you'd understand." He kisses Isobel on the cheek. "You told Greg though, right?"

Isobel nods. "Yes, he knows. Liz, too. And—," she whispers something into Michael's ear.

Alex thinks he hears Isobel mention a "handprint" (whatever that means) but he assumes they're referring to the thing Michael will tell him when they are alone, so he doesn't ask what they're talking about. It's comforting to know that his favorite brother knows, though. It'll be good to have someone to talk to he trusts implicitly.

They hug Isobel (who also smells like rain, Alex notices), then they head out to the parking lot. Since Michael's currently living at a motel, the decision's easy where to go. They leave Michael's old truck ("don't ask, we've been through a lot together, and I'd never give up on her") at the Pony, and take Alex's SUV instead.

He doesn't live too far from the bar, and they enter his house not ten minutes later.

There's just enough time for Alex to put down the tequila bottle on the dining table before Michael pulls him into his arms. They're still wearing their jackets, and Michael his hat. Before Michael gets close enough to kiss him, Alex nods in the direction of his bedroom.

"There's a very comfortable and very big bed behind that door. We both know where we're headed anyway, and I'd like to take the prothesis off," he says, holding his breath after the revelation. He knows that his soulmate won't reject him because of it, but it's still a very personal thing to disclose.

Michael doesn't even blink, he just smiles and leads Alex to the bedroom. He makes Alex sit on the edge of the bed and kneels down in front of him. Alex's breath catches. Michael takes off his hat and jacket and drops them on the floor to his left, then he turns back to Alex and unlaces Alex's boots.

Alex opens the button and zipper of his jeans, and cants his hips to wriggle them down without having to stand up. He doesn't quite succeed. "Damn, I'm stuck, sorry. I have to stand up again."

Michael shakes his head. "No, you don't. Do you trust me?"

Alex stops and thinks about it for a moment. Does he trust Michael? The simple answer is, yes. He just knows that he can trust Michael. He nods. "I do."

Michael looks at him and holds his gaze, when Alex's butt slowly lifts off the mattress. He gasps, but he keeps looking at Michael. Michael smiles softly. Then he reaches for Alex's jeans and pulls them down, while Alex is floating a few inches above his bed.

Alex's thoughts are racing. He should be scared, his soldier instincts should kick in, and maybe he should fight, but he does none of that. Because he doesn't feel threatened. He feels safe. Michael won't hurt him, that he knows with absolute certainty.

As if by magic, he slowly descends, until he sits on the edge of the bed again. Michael kisses Alex's left knee, then he turns his attention to the prosthetic on his right leg. Alex is about to tell him what to do, when he feels the prosthetic coming off. He groans in relief. He'll have to pace himself and not go entire days without the crutch too often for a couple more weeks.

Michael removes the leg and pulls the liner down to reveal Alex's stump. Alex scrunches his face. Not in disgust of how the stump looks, but he knows how it probably smells. But Michael is unfazed, though. He leans forward and kisses the tender skin of Alex's stump. Alex is close to bursting into tears because of the tenderness of the gesture.

His voice sounds a little wet when he speaks. "I need to take some meds. Would you mind getting them for me from the bathroom cabinet? They are labeled 'evening'."

Michael nods and gets up from the floor. Before he leaves, he presses a soft kiss to Alex's lips. "Thanks for trusting me."

Alex wants to reach for him and tumble backwards with Michael in his arms, but he knows he'll regret not taking his medication, so he doesn't. Thankfully, Michael's back with the pill bottles in a heartbeat, and Alex uncaps the bottle of water on his nightstand and takes his pills.

Meanwhile, Michael toes off his boots, pulls his shirt over his head, takes off his socks, and drops his pants in a heap on the floor. When he looks around the room wearing nothing more than his briefs, Alex pats the free space next to him. "Come here, sit down. I'm ready to listen to whatever you're going to tell me in a minute, I just need you close for a moment."

Michael almost trips over his jeans in his haste to sit down next to Alex. Alex immediately realizes how anxious he is, and somehow that soothes his own nerves. He reaches for Michael's hand and laces their fingers together. Michael's hand trembles, and Alex squeezes it.

"You don't have to worry, Michael. I know you're going to tell me something extraordinary, but I can handle it. I won't reject you. Relax."

Michael snickers. "Well, you could say extraordinary, extraterrestrial would be more accurate, though."

Alex swallows hard, but deep down he knows that Michael's not joking. He squeezes Michael's hand again. "The 1947 crash was real?" Michael can't do much more than nod.

"So, you're a descendent of a group of people not from this earth who crashed here some 70 odd years ago?"

Michael looks at him. "I guess you could say that, although I have to add that I was actually on board of the spaceship."

Alex can't believe what he just heard. "Uhm, okay. You don't look like someone who's well over 70 years old, though. Does your species age at a slower rate? I this a Superman thing? Are you from Krypton? How old are you really?"

Michael laughs. "You're taking this surprisingly well. Uhm, so, depending on how you look at it, I'm either 30 years old, or I'm about 80. I don't think we're aging slower than humans, though. We were actually in stasis in our pods for half a century, and only hatched in 1997."

"You did what now?"

"Oh, sorry, uhm, our stasis pods look like glowing eggs, and we always joked that we hatched. I don't think that's how our people actually procreate, though," Michael explains.

Alex is trying his best to take it all in, but it's a lot. He takes a deep breath. "So, by 'us', you're referring to yourself, Isobel, and your other brother, Max, right? Don't you have parents? What happened to them?"

Michael's face falls, and Alex feels awful for being responsible for it. "We don't know, actually. We don't even know whether we're actual siblings. We were found together after we hatched, mute, wandering the desert. Max and Iz got lucky, they were adopted by a local family. I wasn't quite so lucky. I grew up in the system. But I've always been a bright student, so I was able to get a good education. I had to postpone my plans to go to college after high school because of Isobel for a few years, that's why I only graduated recently. But I have a good job lined up, I'll start next month. So, I'm not a complete failure."

Alex wraps an arm around Michael's shoulder and pulls him into a hug. "You could never be a failure. I don't know much about you, but you're not a failure. You hear me?" He feels Michael nod against his chest.

"Good. Now that the big secret is revealed. What did Isobel mean when she talked about a handprint earlier?"

Michael pulls back and looks at Alex. "You heard that? Well, as I demonstrated earlier, my power is telekinesis. Isobel can influence people with her brain, and Max can heal. What the three of us have in common, is that we can share memories with someone else by putting our hands on them. Skin on skin. It opens some kind of mental connection, don't ask me how it works exactly, but it leaves an iridescent glowing handprint on the other person's skin. It fades after a few days, and the connection shared during the handprint also breaks."

Alex squeezes Michael's hand. "So, you can share memories and emotions, but you won't mind-whammy me?"

"God, no, I won't. I swear. I wouldn't even know how to," Michael says.

Alex turns to Michael and they look at each other. "Okay. I'll sit down on the bed against the headboard. I don't have any medical exams scheduled in the next couple of days. Does the handprint have to be placed somewhere specific?"

Michael looks at Alex with wonder in his eyes. "How are you so fucking calm and cool about this? My entire life – well, since we hatched – I've been worried sick about revealing this secret to anyone and sicking military special forces on us. You are the first person I've ever told, and you're taking it like I told you I have a mole on my left butt cheek."

Alex raises an eyebrow. "You have a mole on your left butt cheek?"

Michael giggles. "Oh my god, I know it's probably too soon to say it not even two hours after we've met, but I love you. You're ridiculous, and hilarious, and brilliant. And I love you." He wipes at his eyes. "And no, I don't have a mole on my left butt cheek. Wanna find out where I have one?" He waggles his eyebrows at Alex.

"You casually mention that you love me, and I'm supposed to play 'search the mole' with you? You are unbelievable. For the record, I love you, too. And I don't care that we only met two hours ago. You're about to put a spooky handprint on me that will tell me everything I need to know."

Alex lets go of Michael's hand and scrambles back on the bed until he sits comfortably, propped up by at least three cushions. He looks down at himself and pulls his shirt over his head and flings it in the general direction of the hamper. He winks at Michael. "Come here, alien boy, tell me your story."

Michael laughs and crawls across the bed until he's next to Alex. He likes what he sees. A smattering of dark chest hair, strong arms, a sculpted torso. Alex is gorgeous, head to toe.

"Is it okay when I put my hand on your chest? Low enough that the handprint won't be visible even if you open the top two buttons?"

Alex nods. "That sounds reasonable. Go ahead."

Michael places his right hand on Alex's chest. Michael takes a deep breath, and suddenly his hand starts glowing red. The palm of his hand is heating up against Alex's skin, but the heat doesn't hurt. They look at each other, and suddenly it's like a gate to another dimension opens.

Alex looks at everything Michael sends his way, he laughs, he sheds tears, he looks in horror at what some of the foster parents did to Michael. He sees Isobel, and another man, Max, most likely, he sees an old man with an eyepatch at a place that looks like a junkyard.

It's not just images Michael shares, though. There are also emotions. Alex can barely handle the loneliness radiating through the connection, the fear of someone finding out, Michael worrying about Isobel, and a million other things.

When they later look at the alarm clock on Alex's night stand, they realize the whole thing didn't take longer than maybe ten minutes, and yet Alex feels like he knows everything about Michael. Not every detail or secret, but he knows Michael now.

It's overwhelming, and terrifyingly wonderful. Alex doesn't know how else to describe it. They lie down next to each other, knees knocking, hands exploring, their mouths almost touching.

"Wow," Alex breathes out.

Michael kisses him. "Yeah," he whispers.

Alex does what he's been dying to do since he met Michael. He runs his fingers through Michael's hair and enjoys how soft the curls feel. Like the finest silk.

"You are incredible, Michael. Thank you for sharing this with me. I'll have a million questions for you in the coming days, and I'm sure you'll also want know more about me, but I need to not talk for a while. Can we do that?"

Michael nods. Alex barely blinks an eye, when they both float up, comforter and duvet getting pulled out from under them, and soon they sink back down into the soft mattress again. "This ability of yours sure comes in handy," Alex praises.

Michael pulls the duvet over them, and Alex is grateful for the heat inside of their little cocoon. "It does. You have no idea what it means to me to being able to use it in front of you."

Alex notices the emotion in Michael's voice and sees tears glistening in his eyes. He wraps his arms around Michael as good as he can and pulls him close. Michael hugs back, and then they just hold each other for a long time. Breathing each other in and trading lazy kisses.

Once their bodies and minds relax, their kisses get heated. They are both hard, their cocks brushing against each other through the thin fabric of their underwear. Alex wriggles his hand between them to wrap it around the tips of their cocks peeking out. There's no time (or room) for finesse. Heat and friction are doing the job for them. Their kisses get more and more wet and sloppy, they pant into each other's mouths, and just moments before Alex is ready to come, Michael looks at him, his pupils blown wide. He presses his hand on the glowing mark in the middle of Alex's chest.

"I love you," he says. A short break, then he adds, "Darlin'."

Alex lets out a guttural sound, something between a scream and a moan, and he comes in hot and almost painful pulses between them. Michael follows only moments later, adding to the mess. But they don't care.

The connection between them is blown wide open, and Michael gasps, when he's receiving memories and emotions from Alex suddenly. An abusive home, his mom leaving, loneliness, gruesome years in the military, the immeasurable pain of losing a limb, Michael feels like he's about to pass out from it, but he holds steady.

Alex took in everything he shared with him earlier, now he wants to take in everything Alex is sharing. It's a lot, though, and when the flood of impressions subsides to a mere trickle, he realizes he's panting and sweating like he just ran a marathon.

Their foreheads are touching, and they cling to each other like they're afraid to let go of the other.

Later, they won't recall exactly for how long they stay like that. At some point, Alex musters enough energy to tell Michael where he keeps a bottle of nail polish remover in his bathroom.

"How do you—,?" Michael starts, and Alex just places his hand on Michael's chest. Michael blinks. "Wow, I think this experience has fried some of my brain cells, of course you know."

Michael closes his eyes and concentrates, but he's not strong enough to make the bottle come to him with his telekinesis. Reluctantly, he lets go of Alex, who grumbles and makes grabby hands at Michael.

"Just a second, sweetheart, I'll be back in no time. Don't go anywhere."

"Har, har," Alex makes. He's slowly feeling like he's fully conscious again. He's about to call for Michael's attention, when the man in question returns from his quest in the bathroom. He's sipping from a plastic bottle he's holding with one hand, and there's a wet towel in his other hand. Bless him.

He hands the towel to Alex (who notices that Michael soaked it in warm water, bless him more!), and he quickly wipes himself down. When he's finished, Michael takes the towel and returns to the bathroom.

When he comes back, he smiles at Alex. "Pajamas, or shirts and sweatpants?" he asks, pointing at the walk-in closet.

"Door on the far left, there's both, pajamas and other comfy clothes. I'll take what you take." He only feels silly for saying something so sappy for a second, because Michael beams like the sun. "Partner look, I like it."

Michael vanishes for half a minute and returns with two pairs of blue sweat pants and plain white shirts. He dresses himself first, while Alex puts on the shirt, then Michael's there to help him put on the sweats. Without being prompted, Michael asks "Your crutches, where are they?"

Alex smiles at him softly. "In the living room, leaning against the wall next to the dining table."

Michael goes to fetch the crutches and leans them against the wall next to Alex's side of the bed when he returns. "Anything else I can get you before we sleep?"

Alex shakes his head. "Nothing I can think of right now. Come to bed, Michael."

Michael smiles, his grin almost devilish. "It'll be my pleasure, darlin'."

Alex is tempted to throw a pillow at Michael. "You're not playing fair, Michael. I'm exhausted, and you know what you saying it does to me. I don't think all the darlin's in the world will be able to make me hard again right now, though."

Michael crawls into bed and under the covers. He pulls Alex close and kisses the tip of his nose. "Don't be sad, sweetheart, there's more than enough time for that in the morning. Unless you have to be somewhere tomorrow?"

Alex shakes his head. "No, there's nothing on my schedule tomorrow. Plenty of time for us to get to know each other with more words. Don't get me wrong, what happened tonight has been the most incredible experience of my life, and I'm grateful that we already know so many things about each other, especially the bad things that are much harder to talk about. But I still want to talk to you."

Michael nods. "We'll do that. Tomorrow. But now, let's sleep. The acetone helped, but I still feel a bit like I was hit by a truck. Big spoon or little spoon?"

Alex thinks about it for a moment. "If you don't mind, little spoon. You're just so warm, and I'm freezing. I'm always up for big spoon duty, though. I want to hold you, too, you know."

Michael's smile is the sweetest, and Alex's heart almost bursts with how much he loves him. "I know," Michael says. "And now, turn around and get comfy."

Alex does, and as soon as Michael's inhuman warmth engulfs him, his eyes start to droop. A moment later the room goes dark, and Alex feels Michael's lips peppering the his neck with little kisses. He pulls Michael's arm closer around himself.

"I love you," he whispers into the dark.

"And I love you. So much, Alex. So, so much. Goodnight."

"Goodnight, Michael."

And then, they sleep.

#malex #alex manes #michael guerin #rnm fic #malex fic #my fic #michael vlamis

47 notes · View notes

normal-thoughts-official · 3 years ago

Note

When/how do you think Ragnor and Catrina realized camille was being abusive towards Magnus?

Btw, I love u❤

fantastic question anon, i love YOU! i think that depends on a couple of factors. i think people who have already been or know people who have been in an abusive relationship are more likely to notice the warning signs, and/or to interpret stuff like the person pulling away as a sign of abuse. whereas people who haven't lived through it and aren't informed on it might not even realize what's going on until before it's over, and even be angry

so because we live in a hell world and catarina is a black woman, i think she is more likely to notice the warning signs than ragnor is, because black women are more likely to be in abusive relationships than white men. i'm not saying catarina herself has been in an abusive relationship necessarily but presumably her family has plenty of black women and she's also more likely to also be friends with other woc and marginalized ppl than ragnor is because again, hell world. so she has a higher chance of having been in a similar position before, although of course that's no set in stone rule and ragnor's circle of friends does seem to have a lot of marginalized ppl (and i hc him as aroace which makes him queer which puts him in an entirely different position than a straight white man and probably means something about the relationships he builds, but anyway) BUT my point is, i think catarina is more likely to notice earlier

i think ragnor is pretty perceptive tho, and also that they are pretty close and talk a lot, so i think once catarina noticed she would have talked to ragnor, and it wouldn't take ragnor long to realize that she was right

so okay when would they notice? i think that's always a slow process but i'm pretty sure their suspicions would first arise when magnus started to ditch them and stuff like parties and outings because of camille. first of all, i don't think that's like magnus at all, and second of all, there is an obvious difference between "i'm in the honeymoon phase" and "sorry, i don't think it's a good idea, my partner might not like it" or even "yeah! that sounds great!... just let me ask my partner about it". big difference

so that already has catarina in particular very wary of her because magnus is not the kind to ditch his friends because of a partner and the way he's acting about this is weird. so, she decides to keep an eye and maybe even put this to the test by making a surprise visit and invite him to a party like, right then doijadiosaj and she takes him out and she notices that magnus is Out Of It and he seems even a little... tense and scared and almost paranoid. and like, this is relatively at the beginning of their relationship so she wouldn't have been Horrible about it yet but at the beginning the person expresses enough control and discomfort with these things for you to be kind of uncomfortable even if you don't really realize that it's because you're Scared Of Hurting Your Parner

so THAT gets catarina really worried, because if magnus can't relax because he's afraid of camille's reaction, and worse, if he doesn't REALIZE that's why, that's the reddest a flag can get in such an early stage of their relationship. she tries to talk to magnus about it but magnus is the king of deflecting and basically waves her worries off. which just makes her more worried, but what is she supposed to do? she knows that pushing will only makes things worse and make it easier for camille to turn magnus against her and cut their ties. so, she lets it go and pretends that she buys his excuses. that's probably when she also talks to ragnor. ragnor probably had noticed that something was off but he hadn't really thought that it would be something super bad, and i think he'd still have his doubts about it, but well, he has that on the back of his mind now. and besides, he trusts catarina's judgement and he can admit when she is more qualified than him to assess something. it's why their relationship works

the first time they say anything is probably when magnus tells him about some fight they've had. probably because magnus told camille that he was upset about something she did - like idk, making fun of him in public about a topic that's sensitive to him. and like magnus wasn't even mad at her, he had never mentioned that whatever joke she made was off limits or related to a sensitive topic, he just wanted to communicate and let her know that it had hurt him, and she pretty much Exploded at him. and somehow turned it all around so it was magnus' fault for accusing her of trying to hurt him on purpose when that's not what magnus did, and now magnus pretty much wanted advice on how to apologize and let her know that he loves her

so catarina and ragnor try to subtly poke holes in her logic and show him that he has nothing to apologize for, without straight up being like "she's manipulating you" because Kids, That Does Not Go Well. and it makes magnus... heartbreakingly confused in that way abused people get when the logic they have been being shoved under shows cracks that would mean something too awful to even imagine

and catarina is a fucking wreck because at this point, she is sure of it and it makes her relive... so much trauma of other people she's seen go through that and lost and/or her own relationships if you want to go with that. and she doesn't want to lose magnus or have magnus go through that but she doesn't know what to do and she KNOWS that next step is magnus pulling away from her and ragnor no matter how careful she is

she probably gets the rare Comforting Hug from ragnor once magnus leaves and she also talks to dot and maybe elias? you know, their other friends. and they have a Catarina Comforting Day and hear her stories and cuddle and you know, try to make her feel better. and eventually they try to devise some kind of game plan so they can try to help magnus get out of this

it all goes to shit of course when they have the rare outing with camille, and camille is Obviously Refusing To Interact With Them If She Can Avoid It which is classic abuse thing - sure, i'll go see your friends, but you have to choose between interacting with them and me, so really you don't actually get to see with your friends because you'll feel bad that i'm isolated and eventually seeing your friends will feel either pointless or nervewracking cuz it feels like juggling your relationships. and if you want to see them without me i am going to act like you have something to hide and i'm a victim

anyway! so they notice that and they try to undermine that tactic by, you know, interacting with her a lot. so camille switches it up and tries to pick up a fight, and lo and behold, she succeeds - i know ragnor doesn't look like the kind of guy who loses his temper easily but i think when you push his buttons he is VERY bad at hiding it and half a snappy comment is all camille needs to lash out at him and play the victim. she's good

so that's when their plan gets fucked and everything goes to hell because then it's just too easy for camille to isolate magnus from his friends with really just a few tweaks to the previous tactic i mentioned - "are you really picking them over me, magnus? you're gonna keep hanging out with them when they are so rude to me, probably tell you all sorts of things about me, try to get you to break up with me? can't you see how manipulative they are? how they're trying to turn you against me? why do you insist so much on seeing them when you know how much that hurts me?"

and done

catarina and ragnor probably fight after that because god DAMN it, she fucking tOLD him that they had to be careful! and she's been swallowing all kinds of shitty comments from her but ragnor just had to fucking lose it at the first provocation, didn't he? and god knows how long it'd take for them to reach him after that, because camille is already preemptively making him think that they are trying to manipulate him to break up with her out of jealousy so he won't listen to anything they say directly. and she's right, of course, and ragnor is out of his depth and doesn't UNDERSTAND how these things go and how much this slip up will affect them in the future

i like to think that ragnor apologizes to her and catarina probably... has a breakdown because fuck she is worried and she is reliving way too many nightmares here. and ragnor is actually very tender and hugs her and apologizes and kisses her forehead and tells her that he's going to fix it. and he actually swallows his pride and apologizes to camille just to try and turn this thing around, but, well. the damage is done. and really, there is only so much friends can do when dealing with something like this. at the end of the day, they did all they could

and from then on they try their best to be there for him and pull magnus out of the camille-created isolation, but there's only so much they can do, and it's up to magnus to notice and get help to get rid with her. they'll always try to be his support system, but well. it's hard

and of course eventually magnus does get rid of her claws and catarina, ragnor, dot, elias etc., are all there for him when he does. and he probably feels guilty because he pushed them away but really they are just so RELIEVED that he's finally free of her. and him and catarina probably get a teary hug full of apologies for things that aren't their fault, and they try to make up for lost time by spending as much time as possible together now. especially because i think that it also hurts catarina to have her friends pull away - she obviously yearns for family, for closeness, i don't think she does well with people pulling away from her, she wants the kind of closeness that comes from routine and she used to have that with magnus and the rest of the immortal squad, you know? and magnus knows that, so, he tries to compensate

and eventually they start to heal their relationships, but magnus still has a long way to heal himself, but well. he'll get there. they are together and all

#sh #shadowhunters #magnus bane #catarina loss #ragnor fell #camille belcourt is an abuser #brotp: comfortable shoes #brotp: my dear little cabbage #immortal squad #abuse tw #racism tw #misoginy tw #misoginoir mention #ask #anonymous #meta #kinda #camille's trash party #i have always wanted to be The Camille Angst Blog is it finally happening pls say yes

19 notes · View notes

starprincecas · 4 years ago

Text

What was the point of it all?

Now that I’ve had a few days to sit with my feelings about the series finale, I think it’s time I got this out. This is something that needs to be said.

I hate that a lot of the rage and anger about the ending is being treated reductively with “destiel shippers are just mad their ship didn’t go canon”, as if that’s the only thing to be angry about.

Let’s be frank here, even with people being hopeful and positive and meta-ing about episodic and character beats for the past 10+ years, using their eyes and critical thinking and going “hmm, this... isn’t straight”, how many people sincerely thought they’d get openly queer characters, queer main characters and ones who have romantic feelings for each other no less, from a show that’s so notoriously bad with queer representation as a whole?

I certainly didn’t.

Did I want it? Absolutely. Was I hopeful about it? Sure, but I don’t think I actually expected them to go beyond the wink-wink nudge-nudge of plausible deniability because that’s what they’ve done since the very beginning. 15x18 honestly surprised me because I wasn’t expecting them to have the guts to go through with it even though they’d both laid the foundation and reinforced that that was the only direction it could go for Castiel.

Now, here’s where I’m mad; not about the final, final tease of something they’ve been baiting us with for literal years (like I said, tempered expectations), or even entirely that they clearly used it to increase their viewer count (fuck them especially for that one), but that the finale was a spit in the face to the characters and to us. Honestly, I’m more sad than I am mad. I wasn’t crying and grieving these last few days because “my ship didn’t go canon”, I was grieving because the people I love were treated so badly and I couldn’t do anything about it but watch it happen.

SPN, for all its flaws and problems, have spectacular characters. I love almost all of the characters (both bit and main with a few exceptions) a lot and have for years. I love them almost like they’re my family.

I’m grieving Sam, Dean, and Cas, and their found family, because they were my found family too.

None of them got a happy ending. Sure Sam lived on, but he was miserable the entire time; he was mired in his grief for the rest of his life. We’ve seen him try to leave hunting before, twice, both times unsuccessfully, before he realized it wasn’t something to run away from. Maybe he’d retire or semi-retire eventually like Bobby did, but he’d come to terms with it and found happiness and satisfaction for himself and with Eileen. But in the end we don’t even know whether she was even brought back after Chuck had snapped her and everyone else away because none of them speak of her again. None of the other characters are spoken of again either; we just have to assume Jack brought them back along with everyone else and that no one thought to reach out to anyone else just to be sure, to reassure themselves and each other that they’re safe and in one piece, that they’ve all finally won their freedom from being chess pieces on Chuck’s cosmic chessboard of milking Winchester AngstTM. Sam lost so many people in quick succession before they defeated Chuck; he lost his entire family of Cas, Jack, and Dean within a few weeks of each other.

The finale has him running away from his past, from hunting, from everything in his life, just to make a point of showing he’s grieving Dean and will forever grieve Dean. Does his blurry wife in the background even know about the grief he’s bearing, or did he package it away like he did with Amelia? There’s no indication he has any support system left, that he was ever able to move forward from that, because having him grieving Dean was the only thing that mattered to the writers/show.

Dean was given the worst ending. He’s lived his entire life for the sake of other people, chiefly Sam, and the moment he’s “finally free” to live his life he dies, terribly and cheaply. Maybe it was meant to hint at how death can be sudden and unexpected, to remind us that hunters live a life where any hunt they go on could be their last, but screw that. It was unfair. Just because he always expected to die bloody didn’t mean he had to, he deserved to live. To have a chance at living for himself however that turned out to be; whether that meant continuing hunting, or hanging it up for a normal life, or finding a balance between the two. And no, just because he went to Heaven doesn’t mean it’s a happy ending either, because he spent it alone. The only person he sees in Heaven is Bobby, who hints at his parents and Rufus and his girlfriend staying just around the corner; Cas and Jack get a passing mention to explain how/why the heavenly system got changed, and that’s it. None of their friends were worth a mention, not even Ellen, Jo, or Ash considering they’re in front of the Roadhouse (I can’t decide if this is more hilarious or sad). Dean barely spends more than a few minutes to get this mini info-dump from Bobby before he decides to go driving forever into the open roads of heaven to wait for Sam. For a man who loves and loves deeply, apparently no one else mattered at all (which, ha, try to convince me of that in another life where I haven’t seen him grieve and rage over losing said people). Oh, and to be clear, I’m not saying he shouldn’t be waiting for Sam, I’m saying he didn’t have to wait alone. I don’t know about you, but being alone for the interminable eternity of Heaven waiting for someone I love as much as Dean loved Sam doesn’t sound like Heaven to me.

I don’t know how anyone can love Sam and Dean and say they’re happy about this ending for either of them.

And of course we can’t forget about Cas. Castiel has spent almost his entire life trying and struggling to do what’s right. He’s been treated as a hammer and a weapon, a conduit for heavenly power, all the while trying to escape from what he’s been pigeonholed into. He’s suffered so much and for so long right alongside the brothers, for their sake, for the world’s sake, and been taken for granted even by the people he loved for much of it because of how useful he is/can be to them. Sure the Winchesters loved him, we know that, but he doesn’t; he hardly ever got them expressing as much to him through actions let alone words (seeing as they struggle to manage it in the latter even between each other). He deserves to have that just as much as anyone else does. Beyond all that, he deserved to be grieved over when he died. Except for a comment or two in the last two episodes, he wasn’t grieved at all.

I’m not even entirely happy with Jack’s ending either because he was a literal child in an adult’s body. He barely got 4 years of a life before he had to become the new God. But hey, it was necessary to resolve the final large plot thread (like there weren’t other alternatives they could’ve taken) so I just need to shut my mouth and accept it, right?

We get a shoddily cobbled together goodbye for Team Free Will 2.0 and no one else. No goodbye for Eileen, Jody, Donna, Charlie, Kevin, Rowena... the list goes on. Oh, but we got Bobby in Heaven in the end for a hot minute, so that’s good, right?

What the show tried to tell us with that finale is that no one really matters, not even Sam and Dean, because grief is more Edgy, more Meaningful, more Poignant, and happiness doesn’t matter worth a damn.

We’re grieving because we loved them, found someone to relate to with their struggles or saw ourselves in them. So you’re gonna have to excuse me for being mad at them tossing this at us and saying we should be happy with their hollow idea of ‘happiness’. In the end we were just cash cows and a number on their viewer count anyways.

#spn #supernatural #sam winchester #dean winchester #castiel #jack kline #bobby singer #eileen leahy #i'm not tagging the ships because this is about the characters and the show and the shit they gave us #i'd tag all the other characters they don't give a shit about too but that'd just make this too long #again: just to be clear i don't hate the actors one bit #they did what they were contractually obligated to do as best as they could and i love them for all they've given us all these years #but the network and dabb/singer etc.? they can fuck off #you're all more than welcome to come into my asks and ask me for my takes on how they could've shot this different #to *show* that other people existed in heaven besides Sam Dean and Bobby without actually physically showing them due to covid constraints #because it is absolutely possible and you shouldn't let them fool you into thinking otherwise #becca rambles #spn grief coping

16 notes · View notes

offtopicoverload · 4 years ago

Note

Howdy there!! Who are the li’s you fancy the most from LITG??

hi! thanks for the ask!

i honestly dunno who’s my top answer, cuz they’re all interesting in their own way

I’m only going to talk about female LIs cuz the only male routes I’ve finished are Bobby and Jake, and I tapped through most of Jake and only ended with Bobby on my first run cuz I never unlocked Marisol, so I’m not the best source lol

Talia:

She’s just so chill but has no problem standing up for MC, she has her back no matter what

Which, like, what a queen

She’s the original and only one of 4 LIs, which maybe it’s just me, but for a game based on an incredibly heteronormative reality show, allowing representation for queer audiences from launch is such a big deal and so cool to me, so Talia’s kind of special in my mind

She was also my first LI so nostalgia points

And she’s such an easy LI, not much drama on her route outside of Lucy, just her having MC’s back as the boys make themselves look like idiots

And she has so much potential, like I know some people think her only personality trait is fancying MC, which I mean, is a little fair, but there’s so many opportunities for her in fics and headcanons to develop the good amount of information we got on her in 13 days

I absolutely love how self-aware and confident she is

She just went for what she wanted, struggled a bit with commitment at first, because who wouldn’t, but after that it was smooth sailing

Like obviously what she said in the Beach Hut at the beginning of the season wasn’t great for MC, but she knew exactly what she wanted out of her time on the show

She was confident in herself and her sexuality so much so that she was just down to have a fling with a girl and not worry about how it would effect the show

And then she *coupled up* with that same girl, not even giving a shit about the rules or anything

A queen

Allegra:

I know she’s not an official LI, but her arc is what got me into writing so she gets a million points for that

I love what could have been done with her progression if she was given an actual route, I’m a sucker for some good enemies to lovers, but alas, she’s canonically a bad bitch with a lot of internalised homophobia yet enough confidence to ask MC out

I still love her

Marisol:

I know so many people hate her, and I get it, but I do really like her growth

Maybe it’s cuz I’m pretty analytical too, but her analyses never bothered me or anything, and now that I’ve played her route so many times, it’s pretty obvious that that’s a defense mechanism, and I understand that

She very much so has a “figure their weaknesses out before they have a chance to figure mine out” attitude, and I’m 99% positive it’s because of the ex that Elisa reminded her of

So not only has she been burned in the past, I’m willing to bet it was by the only woman she’s been in a serious relationship with

I really have no problem with her commitment issues, it’s understandable, and I can really empathise with her fear of coming out, it’s absolutely terrifying even if you’ve accepted it and bought a flag, saying the words can be really difficult

My biggest issue is her entitlement and immaturity, I guess?

Like her using Graham to make MC jealous just feels like an excuse to crack on with him and still have MC available for when she’s ready

I understand her being scared to couple up, but playing games to distract herself just made things with MC worse

And unless youre on her route, and sometimes even when you are, it’s clear to me that she expects things and has no problem saying what they are, but going after them is a problem?

Like her going after Lurik even though they don’t have a connection, or Gary even when he’s with Hannah

But then it never works and she gets sad and I melt because I’m weak

ALSO, can I just say how awful it is that Lucas and Henrik don’t pick her unless they have to???

Like cmon she deserves MC after that

And when they finally couple up? And she’s all soft? The GROWTH ohmygod

Anyway I love who Marisol became, maybe not everything she started out as, but definitely the person she ended the season as, more confident and self assured and willing to be vulnerable

It’s precious

Elisa:

I still haven’t done an Elisa route

I tried to a couple months ago, but dumping Marisol felt so cruel, what the hell was Fusebox thinking with that??

I do really like that they learned from their mistake though, even if they went in the opposite direction

From what I’ve seen of Elisa, she can be pretty sweet, I’ve seen her described as a Lucas-Bobby hybrid, and while that’s not the most interesting personality to me, I will say that she’s a really cool character that FB messed up on

Why did they make her a straight up villain???

And why ONLY her???

None of the other female LIs have been villains or had such a complete 180

Like her going from shouting at Chelsea, who is literally meant to be MC’s ride or die and the person outside of your LI that youre supposed to want to defend and avenge, to “i cant even sleep because im pining so hard”

I know the treatment of black women has been discussed before, specifically in regards to Hope and Erikah, and it is by no means my place to speak on it, but I definitely think something’s going on with Elisa

Anywayyyy, I love her archetype

The celebrity and influencer has so much potential, to the point that I wrote a one shot without even knowing her lmao

And she’s so confident in a way that’s so different from Marisol

She doesn’t even care if MC’s happily coupled up, she WILL get in her pants and I respect that

In conclusion, Fusebox did her dirty and I’m probably going to try and retcon some canon for her in the future

Lottie:

Ohmygod

Lottie

A goth babe

Lottie

Yeah, anyway, so I love her

Her growth is just unbeatable in my opinion

Yeah, she still has her flaws by the end of the season, but she went from ready to rip everyone’s throat out to biting her tongue around Hannah

And her and MC???

And the development between them???

Ugh

No matter what way you swing it, you’ve either got best friends to lovers or enemies to lovers and I adore both

And her aesthetic is one of my favourites, I’m alt myself and having a character like that is just so cool

My Runaways MC is a ball of sunshine with some hidden darkness specifically because Lottie’s such a dark cloud but can start shining with the right person, and that’s my absolute favourite trope

But man were the wedding episodes a cop out

Why couldn’t they give her the Noah treatment? Or the single treatment? Where they just get together after the show? Same with Hannah, why are they giving such an intense confession after who knows how long of literally nothing, like no communication even????

Don’t get me wrong, I kinda simultaneously love it for the angst and yearning, but it just… makes no sense?

So yeah, amazing bat lady that I seriously vibe with and wish my MC could have wifed up

Hannah:

I know this is a little controversial buuuut

I fucking love Hannah

But only OGHannah, Returning Hannah was butchered and I will never let that go

And it was such a toxic message too, that she needed to change herself and her appearance just to get a guy to like her?

Fuck that, Original Hannah was amazing and perfect exactly as she was

I love her trope, too, the naivety and how obvious and clear it was that she’s still learning about the world and relationships, to the point that it’s going to get her in trouble

And her obsession with fairy tales?

Fucking adorable ohmygod

I started a fic a while ago that I think I’m gonna scrap, that just indulged in the fairy tale metaphors and stuff because I just love how cute it is lmao

If she wasn’t dumped, I think she could have had amazing growth alongside Lottie, and their friendship/kinda, probably, most-definitely-if-MC’s-not-there-more-than-a-friendship growing together would have been so good

In an alternate reality Hope was dumped instead, and that helps me sleep at night

I firmly stand by the fact that Noah should have been the deciding factor between Hope and Hannah/MC, where Lottie said something that screwed with his head earlier in the day to make sure her friends were safe

Noah should have saved Hannah/MC and Hope should have returned with Rocco, hellbent on revenge and proving herself

That would have been so good for Noah stans and such good drama, that actually made perfect sense

Hope was fully expecting that she’d get picked by Noah because they’d spent three days attached at the hip and then to just… not have that happen. It would have driven her insane and if there was then a scene with MC where she just like, gives up

Like she’s spent the past two days grafting Noah but he won’t make up his mind and she’s just done and MC can comfort her or fight with her and you just get to humanize her make her vulnerable and hurting and I fucking WISH they did something like that, even for RHannah

And Hannah’s growth in the Villa would have been so amazing

I think her idea of a perfect guy is definitely too much, and I’m not advocating that she settles by any means, just that she could have learned that there are things more important than money

That conversation on day 1 where you choose between money, kindness, and intelligence still baffles me

Like why are you a gold digger Hannah?!?!

Why don’t you just want a Prince/ss Charming???

Her and Hope should have swapped and I don’t understand why they weren’t

I mean, I do really like Hope, but Hannah’s just so cute and has so much to learn and her struggling in the Villa just to have a lightbulb moment with MC would have been precious and now I want to write it dammit

Anyway, Hannah is adorable and had so much potential and she never should have returned if they were just going to scrap everything that made her Hannah, except for snooty literature

I wanna listen to her rattle on about Belle and Mulan and every other Disney Princess and what they meant for representation and progress in media and then compare them to their original stories like a dweeb and I would have melted on the spot

Like yes, please tell me more about how gruesome Cinderella is

She should have shown up at the finale and hugged MC and been innocent and sweet so I could have just lost my shit for like a half hour

But stan OGHannah, burn RHannah

AJ:

Adorable, precious, denied an arc outside of coming out

I am not exaggerating when I say that I cried at 4:30 in the morning at her blushing face when playing the first two days

It’s just so fucking cute and I’m a sap and I don’t know why it made me cry, but it did okay?!

And her coming out was such good representation!!! By far the best thing in Boat Party, and I’m so proud of the progress FB’s made in queer representation at the very least

I know she’s pretty one dimensional, but most of S3 is unfortunately

Her being available right off the bat was also such a win, I’m positive it’s the reason she had so many stans

If her and Yasmin had switched or her and Lily, they would have been the ones that were dominating Reddit polls and stuff

And I know she’s written as masc but I just can’t really see it? Like I can’t see her in a dress, but outside of a few clothing items, I guess I just can’t see it? Maybe androgynous is more the word for my image of her, like definitely a mix

She’ll wear a skirt under the right circumstances, but never a dress, a crop top with a flannel, her prom outfit that’s like a frilly jumpsuit, stuff like that? idk im not a lesbian

Her route for me was so glitchy, but I know that if MC’s stolen from her by Yasmin, Tai, or Ciaran, she has some really cute scenes and I wish I could have seen them

And I know some people were ragging on her for the eyelash at the end of the scene but I thought that was just a perfect callback - maybe it’s the writer in me

Basically, AJ’s adorable and why did Ciaran have to split her and MC up, not cool dude

Yasmin:

I forgot I was doing a Yasmin route a while ago, but from what I’ve seen and played, she’s really sweet

I hate that she’s almost nonexistent outside of her route

Give us a mysterious musician friend, you cowards!

I saw that she sings to MC on the final date and damn is that cute

Her eyeshadow kinda throws me off, but her stuffed animal makes up for it

And I’m salty that Yasmin the Lamb disappeared too, that was such a nice detail that made me start a Yasmin route

She’s distant and self-assured, but has a soft, gooey, nostalgic center and I wish we saw more of that, even if we weren’t on her route

My final thoughts on Yasmin: An artsy indie icon that I really need to stop getting distracted from and finish her route

Lily:

Again, don’t know much about her, but she seems really cool

Her shaving her head between the finale and Boat Party is such a flex and I wish she did it right before Boat Party so we could see her in all her bald glory

She’s into cars, right? And… architecture?

Idk, I barely remember my own name, let alone a 10 minute date from months ago

But I’ll definitely get around to doing her route at some point, maybe just to write for her, we’ll see

Elladine:

I know she’s not an LI, but MC so should have been able to run away with her

I missed that option in S3

I kinda get why they didn’t do that, but Boat Party’s just so messy in general

And I would include Genevieve here, but she’s so cute with Seb that I’d feel bad splitting them up

But Elladine had actual problems with Nicky!!!

Why did they mention it for it to never pay off??

And I’m so mad that the hype around her died when it was revealed she wasn’t an LI or the badass of the season, because I still adore how sweet she is

I also want to brag that before we got a name I was calling her Emma and that’s just on example of my almost psychic-ness

But yeah I wanted Ell to be a run away option and I’m salty that she wasn’t

Know what, fuck it, Viv too, she’s smart and cool as hell, let us love these awesome women FB, you cowards!!!

I have no idea who would be my number 1 based on canon, but if we’re talking hypotheticals, I think my answer, as strange as it is, is Hannah.

I just love what she could have been, but by no means what she is.

It’s so awkward to know her for three days, not see her for three weeks, then spend a couple more days with, a couple weeks at most, just for her to write a whole ass book about MC?? And tell her about it with that hair????

No thanks, I’ll stick with closeted sapphic horse girl nerd Hannah because I guess that’s somehow my type??? Oh god what the fuck I swear I’m not a total weirdo

#asks #can it kc #okay but im loving doing this they're so fun wtf #but thanks so much for the ask!!!!!#litg

13 notes · View notes

jimmigmalingan · 4 years ago

Text

Her Name Is Not “baby”, It’s JANET.

It’s not “Miss Jackson if you’re nasty” either, although just as iconic.

What better way to celebrate Women’s Month than to get to know a great embodiment of a strong and powerful woman. In fact, so strong and so powerful that my instinctive reaction when I first saw the invite to her journalism class was “Oh no.”

That was the G-Rated version of it actually. Nevertheless, same message.

I barely even knew who she was or what her teaching style was going to be like. Her G-suite display picture just exuded “Oh no” energy. I mean that as a compliment.

I went straight to my friend from elementary school who shifted to Communication a year earlier than I did. I said “Do you have any tea on her?” The first thing he told me was that she had very high standards.

I like that, actually.

Back when I was in high school, which seems like very long time despite only having been a whopping three years, those were the types of teachers that I would consider my favorite ones. Ma’am Rachel from my English class, and Ma’am Elma from my Research and Biology class. Both of which actually went on to be school heads in different schools after we graduated.

I’m just here thinking to myself “God, I would’ve been excelling at her class if it isn’t for this stupid pandemic.” I clearly am not. We will get to that soon.

When we had the chance to organize an interview as a class, it invigorated me a tad bit. This is the closest I can get to having human interaction in an academic sense, but it was also my chance to have an idea or two of who ‘Janet Tibaldo’ was. Is she going to be the bane of my existence for the next four or so years or is she going to be alongside the people who I consider to be my “heroes”?

To my surprise, she’s very, well... human.

From what I’ve gathered in both of the interviews, our class’ and the other, she is a woman of strength. She is a passionate educator, a dedicated mother, and most of all, a woman of faith and devotion. In both of the interviews, she often emphasizes the importance of the “vertical relationship” in her life, and how it can have a positive effect in one’s horizontal relationships.

I do appreciate those remarks from her quite a bit, despite me having a rockier and more complex relationship with God as a queer person. I never considered myself an atheist. I do believe in God, and I believe that I am loved by God, despite knowing that people out there will try to convince me otherwise.

How could he possibly hate me when I pray to him too and he answers them just the same? It makes absolutely no sense to me.

When she said that you can fix your horizontal relationships once your vertical relationship is stable, it did strike a cord just as much as it struck a verve in me. I am trying to. It took me a while, but nevertheless I’m glad that I am here.

She often described herself as “strict”, both as a parent and an educator. It often surprises me how much bombardment my friend from elementary experiences from her subjects. The way he describes it to me sounds a bit like torture. I always took his words about her with a grain of salt. I will probably never believe him until I experience it first hand. He did say I was lucky that I shifted during online classes because she is a bit more lenient, otherwise I would’ve been dead meat.

If she was the monster that she’s painted out to be, I do understand why. It’s not like I don’t have a maternal figure or two in my life with eerily similar approaches. Like I said, she is a bit more human than what one would expect. She talked about her sleepless nights to dedicate herself onto her work, how she takes it upon herself when things go wrong, and how she said she hopes for a better and more empathetic world when I asked about her hopes for the future. To me she sounds like a person who stands her ground and knows exactly what she wants, even if it gets the best of her at times.

With that, she shared a peek of her younger days, how she spent her childhood during the Martial Law era, how newscasters on TV sparked her interest in the field of Communication, how in her college days they made do with the resources they had back then, emphasizing how lucky we are to have the technology we have now, how she was an activist back in the day. It painted a picture in my mind. Ahhh. No wonder.

There has always been ‘fire’ inside of her. A fire that lead her to be an educator today, despite having left the path of being a media practitioner.

I did think about it a couple of times. If being a visual artist doesn’t work out for me, maybe I’ll just teach. To me, it looks fun. She did say that she never thought in a million years that she would end up becoming a teacher because she thought it looked boring. According to her, lot of her family members ended up becoming teachers and she never wanted to be one of them. Maybe there’s some ugly parts of it that I don’t get to see, but it seems like a much more stable career path than visual arts, especially in a country like this.

Just from the interviews alone, you can tell that she has so much wisdom to offer in this field. That makes me all the more excited to meet her in person. If anything, there’s your proof right there that God is out there writing poetic justice for people. Maybe it was God’s way of saying “I have something better in mind for you, you just have to trust me.”

Another standout from the interviews was when she told all of us as a piece of advice that we should grab opportunities as they come. Oftentimes, the biggest regrets you have in life aren’t the things you did but the things you didn’t do. I have to admit, the main reason why this music video is taking too long to make is because of self doubt and insecurity. She’s right. I should toughen up a bit, shouldn’t I? Not only that, but there’s a lot of competitions that I found interesting in the facebook group that I just allowed to pass me by. I don’t want to blame my years in Architecture for it, because it did cause me some good. It’s just that I knew what I was running away from after years of feeling like I will never amount to anything.

I knew that. If anything I was way bolder when I left high school, only for Architecture to beat me down. It does take someone like her to remind me of who I was then.

When I was going through my depressive episode late last year, ultimately leading me to shift to Communication, I found myself seeking refuge in the music of Janet Jackson. As a matter of fact, I shared her music to the same friend I mentioned earlier, and now he’s a fan too. We’d often joke about which Janet we were talking about in the conversation.

On one hand, we have Janet the popstar, who despite being blacklisted by Bush’s racist and misogynistic America, kept on going. She kept performing and making music for as recent as 2018, and now she’s inducted in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. On the other, we have Janet the teacher, who keeps holding on to her faith despite all of the trials and challenges that came her way all these years.

What’s it about Janets being fiery passionate women anyway?

That actually leads me to my next point of interest.

What moved me the most about both of the interviews was her openness about her struggles with mental health, and how she refers students to seek help as well back when classes were physical. I don’t think conversations like these were possible back in the day, especially when I was a child. Apparently I didn’t have ADHD I was just an idiot, and people like me get punished for their idiocy. That was my upbringing, and it’s so refreshing to know that kids nowadays are lucky to have a ‘zeitgeist’ like this.

I was brought up for the longest time in the idea that if you show any signs of vulnerability, you are weak. It took some time for me to ‘rewire’ my brain and undo all of that...

because that is blatantly false.

If anything, for me, it further solidified how strong she was. It takes so much strength to admit that you’re human. It takes so much courage to tell yourself that you probably need help because you struggle in this aspect of your life. It is so easy to pretend that you can take everything like a champ and you don’t need anyone to help you.

The easy route was to say “I’m fine” or “I’m doing good” when asked a simple question “How are you?”, the hard route is to ask yourself that same question “How am I?” and be honest and introspective about it.

She did just that. She took the hard route.

She said she was having trouble sleeping and that she had to consult a mental heath expert for that recently, and that this pandemic made it particularly hard for her to juggle work and home matters.

I don’t think she will ever understand how a simple statement like that inspires someone like me, because what I got from that was ‘if somebody as strong and as passionate as her bleeds the same way that I do, I too can be strong like her.’

I just booked my appointment to my therapist yesterday. I haven’t seen her in quite some time now. It’s nice to know that I’m not alone in this, despite going there for feeling alone. Ironic, isn’t it? I feel like I’m running out of friends, and it’s starting to feel like paralysis, really.

After the interview ended, and I finished watching the interview from the other block, I couldn’t grasp the idea of this woman being taken as a monster, because the only words I could think of in association to her thus far is ‘uplifting’ and ‘inspiring’, in the same way that Ma’am Rachel was one of the people who inspired me to be a a cartoonist and Ma’am Elma inspired me to be a competitive dancer.

I had to give up three years worth of friendships to start back from scratch and to be here. I was actually so unsure if it was even worth the sacrifice, but Ma’am Janet Tibaldo, out of all people, showed me something to look forward to in this field. Based on what I’ve gathered from her, I’m up for a good time.

3 notes · View notes

i-am-just-a-kiddo · 4 years ago

Text

2020 year in a review

thanks for tagging me @vishcount, eventhough you probably know all of these answers already. i don’t know if i am gonna do the other one, let’s see. tagging @the-cloud-whisperer, @sassyassassy, @intyalote as usual, if you have fun with this! I really tried to rank these amongst the top five, which was a personal challenge for me, so don’t take these rankings too seriously. my answers below the cut cause there is a novel incoming:

Top 5 Movies you saw this year

I don’t watch many movies in general, though I have seen quite a handful this year actually? I might have forgotten half of it already tbh

Moonlit Winter (2019) -I have been waiting to find this movie online for ages, so I was incredibly happy when I finally found it at the beginning of this year. It’s wonderful, heartbreaking and raw - about the relationship between mother and daughter, about lost queer love between the mother and her friend, about life in general. I cried buckets.

Parasite (2019) -do I have to say anything? I don’t think so, this movie defined many this year right?

The King and the Clown (2005) -pleasantly surprised by this one, it made me cry and sad and it’s not a happy gay story but it still touched me so much. also the production is amazing

Mulan (2009) -I rewatched this movie this year after hearing about the chaos that was Mulan 2020, and it still gets me; I don’t know what it is, but it might be the last part of the movie that always hits me like a train and I am back to thinking about it

Inside The Girls (2014) -not actually a good movie with a horrible name, but certainly interesting and had some potential?? I am listing it because I had a lot of fun watching it with my dear friend vish and it was fun sharing our opinions on that, but I don’t actually recommend it that much (unless of course you wanna see Cheng Yi and Yin Zheng in a movie together being assholes)

Top 5 TV shows you watched this year

I probably watched around 20 shows this year so picking this was hard somehow? I feel like I forgot some gems but I guess these are the ones that stood out to me

Nirvana In Fire (2015) -by far the best show I’ve seen in a long time. The plot, the characters, the production - it really blew me away. I can’t recommend it enough because I still cry about it.

Winter Begonia (2020) -Funny how I am listing this here so high considering the split opinions I have about this show but damnit, in the end it won me over. It was truly something else wow.

The Stranded (Netflix 2019) -Another surprise, but I just remembered this little show and it was so good? I really hope we will get a second season because I loved the first one and it was way too short. Also the production of this is so stunning, as well as the interesting set of characters.

Original Sin (2018) -This was a gem I discovered in the latter part of the year, mainly because of Yin Zheng, but when I watched it, it hit my mood perfectly. A crime show that has a beautiful atmosphere and is focused on characters. It has its faults and if you watch it for the cases and the plot, it’s not the most outstanding show but damnit, I watched it twice and loved it.

YYY: The Series (2020) -Amongst all these BL shows out there, this is my personal gem. It’s a wild ride of crack and sweetness, so enter at your own risk. let me just say I did not expect to bawl my eyes out at this tiny cracky show.

Top 5 songs of 2020

it really sucks having to choose only five songs but here I go from the huge amount of stuff I have listened to

Black Swan by BTS -this is pure art. in every way, it caters to my taste. I have nothing else to say except that it owns my soul. the visuals, the atmosphere, the music, the lyrics, the performance. it hits all marks and hurts me on a personal level.

Strange (feat. RM) by Agust D -this mixtape saved me and choosing my fave song from this was difficult but I guess I have to name this iconic collab. The lyrics of this are truly....something else. if you have time, please go check them out, as well as the entire mixtape.

Pain by Vaundy -I have been very obsessed with this song and this singer, he has my heart.

Rien à prouver by Yseult -again, I am just obsessed with this song and her voice, Yseult truly is a goddess to me at this point

Zombie by Day6 -perfectly captures my mind, my life and my state this year.

Top 5 books you read in 2020 I have only read two novels this year, everything else was either university stuff or poetry, so this is what I am mostly listing here.

Gyeongju. The Capital of Golden Silla by Sarah Milledge Nelson -I used this as my main source for one of my fics I wrote this year and it was perfect. I spent an intense week of only researching for this topic and had a blast; especially this book was a blessing because it gave a good overview of what life back then could have been like.

Call Down the Hawk by Maggie Stiefvater -one of the novels I read this year and I’ve been waiting for this for ages. Like the other books from TRC, I bingeread it on one day and adored it. Am excited for the rest of the trilogy and this new adventure!

Beyond The First Emperor’s Mausoleum: New Perspectives On Qin Art, edited by Liu Yang -I read this for one of my lectures and I thought it had very interesting essays, namely Archaeological Finds of the Maijiayuan Cemetery and Qin’s Interaction with Steppe Cultures by Wang Hui; and Qin Cosmography and the First Cosmic Capital - Xianyang by David W. Pankenier.

The Mongol Empire. Betweem Myth and Reality by Denise Aigle -another one I read for lectures and it was a good overview to the broad topic that is the Mongol Empire.

Night Sky With Exit Wounds by Ocean Vuong -I adore Vuong’s writing style so I hope to read more of his work. This is a beautiful, raw and honest work and I hope many more will read his book and the stories he has to tell.

+ Bonus: Affinity by Sarah Waters - wlw set in 19th century London; very dark and spooky and very fun to read if you like this sort of atmosphere (as I do).

5 positive things that happened in 2020

i managed to write and create a lot during the first half of this year, which i will treasure greatly. recently i have been struggling a lot - maybe it’s getting back on track now, but i guess i am still proud of all i managed to write/draw/other wise create this year.

amazing new flatmates joined our collective so i feel happy that we have this pleasant dynamic going on currently

i acquired some new housplants which have made me very happy this year, eventhough i struggle a little bit to keep them completely happy. am truly trying my best

i started taking medications for my depression, anxiety and social phobia in autumn and i think it was for the best. i still struggle from time to time but i truly feel a difference and i am glad this worked out mostly smoothly for me

in september we went on a short holiday in on the countryside and on the last night we all went outside to sit on the pier by a small pond. i will never forget this moment because after what felt like ages, i saw a crystal clear night sky. i haven’t seen so many stars in years and i could even see their reflections on the water, it was so magical and breathtaking. i think it was the one moment that still stands out from everything else. i just wish to return there, on my own, and just lie down for hours

anyway, if you have read through this rambling, i wish you a very happy new year and hope things will get better!!

#phew #am finally done with this #i did not expect this to take so long lol #but it's nice #tag game #2020 #personal

4 notes · View notes

carriagelamp · 3 years ago

Photo

A Bear Called Paddington

One of those childhood classics I had never gotten around to reading, though I definitely grew up very aware of Paddington. For those who somehow haven’t heard of him, A Bear Called Paddington is about a little bear from Darkest Peru who is forced to immigrate to England. The Brown family runs into this little bear at the Paddington train station (where he gets his name) and decide to take him in since he had no where else to go. The rest of the story follows Paddington’s various well-meaning hijinks. It has a similar feel to the novels of Winnie the Pooh and Mary Poppins. Definitely a slower book than a lot of children’s novels these days, but still super charming; this would make a great bedtime sort of story.

Battle Bunny

One of the funniest picture books I’ve seen in ages. It’s made to look like someone took an old Golden Book (“The Birthday Bunny”) and rewrote it as The Battle Bunny. You can read the “original” wholesome story about a little Bunny visiting his friends around the forest on his birthday, and then the relentlessly goofy, violent version of the Battle Bunny on his quest to conquer the forest.

Black Clover

...Okay but this is just Naruto. It’s about a spiky pale-haired boy in a headband with a dark-haired rival. Said spiky-haired boy is absolutely talentless but makes up for it with relentless determination and despite this complete lack of skill is convinced he will become the hokage- I mean, the Wizard King. He takes a ninja- wizard test, and when he passes he gets a new headband and joins a small team where he goes on missions for the community. His first mission involves him going to a mist-covered island where the village people are being tormented by a mercenary with ice magic...

Despite all this, it was an okay read and was kind of charming. If you liked Naruto, it wouldn’t hurt to check out Black Clover. On a more serious note, it’s about a world where everyone has magic abilities, to greater or lesser degrees, and when they come of age they receive a magical grimoire that gives them access to more abilities. The main character, however, has absolutely no magical potential and receives a grimoire that, instead of casting magic, has the ability to cancel out other people’s magic.

Bug Boys

A very charming graphic novel about a pair of beetles (Rhino-B and Stag-B). These stories are episodic little adventures of this pair as they meet other bugs and explore the land around the Bug Village. The tone is kinda wild because it goes from very simplistic goofy comic stories, to shockingly deep and metaphoric. Kind of has an Adventure Time like vibe?

Emily of New Moon

A Canadian classic. This is a second series written by L. M. Montgomery, author of Anne of Green Gables and it has the exact same style as Anne. In some ways one might argue that it’s repetitive of the last series, but honestly it’s exactly what I want. While I love Anne of Green Gables I never cared as much for the rest of the series, all I wanted was more Anne as a child, not Anne as an adult, and that is exactly what Emily of New Moon delivers.

It’s the story of Emily Starr, an imaginative, sensitive child, who is orphaned when her sickly father passes away from TB. Rather than leave her to an orphanage, her late-mother’s estranged family, the Murrays, adopt her out of familial duty and bring her to live on the strange, old-fashioned New Moon farm. There Emily learns to contend with the Murray pride, starting school, making new friends, and blossoming into an avid writer.

I’ve read this book plenty of times, and listening to an audiobook of it again was such a relaxing experience. I would recommend this to anyone that likes period pieces about whimsical childhoods and strongly written young girl characters.

Minecraft: The Island

This was my Completely Shocking Book Of The Month because I started it as a joke and, to my total amazement, kinda fell in love with it. But then again it is written by Max Brooks, author of World War Z. This ended up being a survival-horror isekai that actually sticks the landing, and this is coming from someone with zero interest in a) Minecraft and b) isekai. It’s like Hatchet, if Hatchet took place in a video game world and involved amnesia. I love stories that involve needing to learn a new set natural laws to navigate a world and this book has that coming out its ears.

It’s about a main character (with no specified gender) who wakes up and finds themself in a strange, cubed world, with a baffling array of rules. The MC needs to come to terms with being in complete isolation, surrounded by monsters, and constantly contending with starvation, fear, and confusion as they try to learn how to survive and understand this strange world they’re trapped in.

The Nameless City

Written by someone who worked on the Avatar: The Last Airbender comics, which isn’t surprising because this series has a very strong Avatar vibe, in all the right ways. It takes place in a politically volatile city. As it’s the only pass through the mountains, this city is constantly conquered and reconquered by neighbouring powers. This book is about Kaidu, a child of the Dao empire, the current occupying force. He was sent to the City to meet his father, one of the local generals, and in the meantime meets Rat, one of the city children who is actually affected by the constant violence and control of the occupiers. If you liked Avatar you should give this trilogy a go because the characters are very endearing and the art is beautiful.

Peter & Ernesto

Years back I enjoyed the weird little cartoons made by this fellow, when he was using the name The Grickle; I didn’t realize he was now making graphic novels. These graphic novels very much have his humour and art style all over it. These books are about two sloths: adventurous, optimistic Ernesto, and anxious, fretful Peter. Despite their differences, they’re best friends and are there to pull each other out of scrapes.

Rick

I’ve read Alex Gino’s other middle grade novel, George, which was about a transgirl coming to terms with her identity in grade four. This new book, Rick, takes place in the same world, though you don’t need to have read George first. Rick is about a boy who was best friends with the bully of the first book, and, now in middle school, is coming to realize that not only is his friend not the sort of person he’d always believed he was, but that his own sexuality might not be so clear cut either. On a positive note, this is the first time I’ve read a middle grade novel that deals with asexuality, and Gino creates rich, warmhearted, living worlds in their books. However, it also felt like it was trying to take the past ten years of tumblr queer discourse and cram it almost verbatim into one book which was… a lot to deal with. It felt rather preachy and repetitive of debates I’ve already been forced to live through, and I don’t always appreciate the conclusions the author draws on those debates.

Honestly, more than anything I would say read George instead, it felt like the much stronger book of the two to me.

The Rock From The Sky

Fascinating children’s book. Jon Klassen’s books are always bizarre and strangely toned for children’s books, and this one is no exception (this is the author who wrote Where Is My Hat and the like). I don’t know how to explain it without spoiling it, so honestly if you want a deranged children’s book, give it a read. All I can say is that, yes, a rock comes from the sky. Does it ever.

Sweep: A Story of a Girl and her Monster

An amazing novel! This takes place during the Industrial Revolution, about a chimney sweep named Nan Sparrow. After being abandoned by The Sweep, the only guardian she can ever remember having, she’s been scraping a living under the cruel thumb of the master sweep to whom she’s indentured. However, when she gets stuck in a chimney fire, certainly about to die, she finds that the char she’s kept in her pocket, the only thing left to her by The Sweep, has woken up and is, in fact, a tiny soot golem there to protect her. Nan and her tiny monster now have a chance to escape Nan’s servitude, and carve out a life for themselves in the grimy London streets — and more importantly, hidden up on the grimy London rooftops.

You Should See Me In A Crown

I decided to read this because I’ve always heard rave reviews for it, but honestly, it wasn’t for me. I can see why people do like it, it’s very much a cottoncandy sort of read, but it’s also very much not my genre. I didn’t love high school slice of life stories even when I was in high school, and it’s only become less appealing as I’ve grown up. And this high school in particular feels like it was lifted directly from a Disney Channel original movie. Way too much American prom culture. So yeah, if you’re into that sort of story, then it lets you experience that genre with a queer protagonist, but personally I didn’t bother finishing it.

1 note · View note

hoe-doroki · 4 years ago

Text

Alright, friends, your local demi is going to take one last bow before ace week is up.

I’m going to talk about myself, because I the lived experience of ace and acespec people isn’t talked about enough and, well, this is the week to talk about it!

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s bring in a good ol’ frame of reference:

78% pure. For those who don’t know this is the rice purity test, where high scores mean you haven’t participated in many “racy” activities and low scores mean you have.

First, let’s state that I don’t want to put too much stock on this test. Only 3/4 of the questions are about sex and dating while the remaining 1/4 is about alcohol, drugs, and illegal activity. (Part of the reason my score is so high is because I, unrelated to being acespec, don’t drink or smoke.) But, like I said, it’s a place to start.

Stats. I’m a 24-year-old woman. I am cisgender, straight, and demisexual/demiromantic (not asexual or aromantic). I have never had a boyfriend, I have never enjoyed kissing, I have never had sex.

Oof, and right away, I’m embarrassed saying that.

And that’s the whole problem.

(This post clocks in at ~1.6k, so the rest is under the cut. Trigger warning for suicidal ideation.)

Well, not my whole problem, haha, but it is why I’m bothering to talk about this instead of keeping it secret, like I prefer to. I want to dispel some myths that harm the way I view myself and keep me from being honest with others. Because I fear that when people look at me and hear “24-year-old virgin” they assume things about me that just aren’t true.

First thing’s first. The fact that I’m a virgin means nothing except that I have not had sexual intercourse with another person. There are no other assumptions to be made.

It hurts when people are surprised by this. I happen to fall mostly into the barbed categories of American conventional attractiveness, so when people hear that I have never had a boyfriend or that I’m a virgin, they assume there’s something wrong with me. Or that past men I’ve been around have missed an opportunity or something.

This is shitty on two levels. One, the assumption that my stats are the way they are because of some failure sucks. All it should be is a reflection of my agency and the fact that I am the queen of saying no. (In fact, it was my first word.) But then people are assuaged by the fact that I have, in fact, been approached for sex, as though that confirms for them the value that they assumed I had. As though that’s where any of my worth should be coming from.

Two, these assumptions, when flipped, imply that it would “make sense” for me to have my stats if I looked different or was less neurotypical.

Media--as it does--has played a role in these assumptions. I think about the characters who are “later-in-life virgins” and I think of Emma Pillsberry from Glee, who deals with extreme OCD and germophobia. Or Sheldon and Amy from The Big Bang Theory, the former of whom might very well be acespec and is likely on the autism spectrum as well, but who is shown to be very antisocial with many difficulties forming interpersonal relationships and the latter of whom comes from a very conservative family and a mother who ensured she couldn’t learn social skills until well into her thirties. Or the “what if” episode of Friends that basically asserts that Monica would have been too fat to get laid. Or The 40-Year-Old Virgin, which I don’t wish to talk about. (Oof, all such problematic examples)

And yes, these characters are all white (I am not) and that’s a discussion for another post better made by someone who is more of a media expert than me.

These characters are all portrayed to have something that “explains” why they haven’t yet had the privilege of having sex. And we see in movies like The 40-Year-Old Virgin, or a whole host of teen movies, that virginity is something to conquer--especially for male characters.

I don’t look how people expect virginity to look. I’ll be real--I have high self esteem. I think I’m awesome inside and out and I don’t see any reason why I should be shy about that. I know that if I wanted to have sex with a stranger, I could do it tonight (covid notwithstanding--be safe, friends).

And even if I were a different person who had less self confidence or looked different or came from a different background, that wouldn’t mean that I “deserve” to be a virgin or whatever it is media is telling us. Virginity still wouldn’t have a damn thing to do with the other things that make up a person.

So, louder for the people in the back: being a virgin doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with me.

Next point. Being a virgin doesn’t mean that I’m innocent, a prude, or that I’m “waiting for marriage.”

Gosh, I’ve been asked if I’m waiting for marriage too many times. Two things. 1. No. I’d rather know my sexual compatibility with a partner before marriage and 2. I’m an atheist. So no.

Also, I am not innocent or a prude.

My lack of experience makes me feel infantilized. It does. That’s a personal issue of mine and, ya’ll, I don’t have many answers for how to overcome it. But I have done what I can to change that.

Guys, some of the best choices I’ve made in my adulthood are the things I’ve done to reclaim my sexuality (meaning sexualness not orientation) for myself. Not gonna get super nsfw here, but I’ve invested in about a dozen sex toys and I intend to buy more. They always makes me feel so much more adult and sexy. And I’ve done things with them that I feel pretty confident that many of my sexually active, allosexual friends haven’t done. This kind of thing isn’t for everyone acespec, but it helps me reclaim my worth as a sexual being, without needing a partner to validate that.

I’m also fully valid to write erotica! I love erotica and it’s another way I take back my sexuality. It is just as valid for me to write as it is for anyone else. I am capable of research--both on my own body and from resources, experts, and classes. I don’t need to have had sex for my opinion to matter.

Oh, and being acespec has nothing to do with my sex drive. It seems that I have a libido that is either average or slightly above average--I’m also a person that the more I’m engaging with my libido, the higher it gets.

This often feels like a curse. I, unlike many, but not all, acespec people, strongly desire sex. Like, I’ve bundled up a 35-pound weighted blanket on top of myself whilst engaging in self-pleasure just to try and make the activity feel more partnered (pro tip: that didn’t work.) The truth is that I’m really sick of having to take care of my libido by myself and would much rather have a partner.

But it’s not easy.

I’ve tried online dating, guys. Many times. I can’t do it. That’s not true of all acespec individuals, but it is for me, at least right now. For me, my demisexuality means that the idea and experience of going out, even on a casual date, with someone I’m not already interested in is nearly intolerable. And my current lifestyle, for many reasons, doesn’t lend itself well to me naturally forming crushes.

I’ve only had one major crush in my life. And it was 10 years ago. So you understand the difficulty.

I hate being demisexual, guys. I do. I wish that I could write this post with the intent of spreading pride and positivity, but I can’t. That’s not where I’m truthfully at yet. I’m lonely to the point of suicidal ideation. I’m too young for it, but I’m already making contingency plans for freezing my eggs or trying to imagine a future where I could be a single mother and...I can’t yet reconcile it. I know that part of this is my dreams being created in society’s image, but all I’ve ever wanted is to be a wife and a mother. And it’s hard to see that future when I can only look at my past and see images of silicone and sexual repulsion.

Remember when I said I’ve never enjoyed kissing? I’ve had more stage kisses than “real” kisses and, I have to say, the staged ones were more enjoyable because at least I wasn’t forcing myself to do them. Forcing myself to try to kiss someone so that I could feel “normal.” Forcing myself to kiss someone just because I was curious about what it was other people were talking about. My first “real” kiss was at 20 years old and it was a night where I forced myself to do a lot of things for the sake of catching up with my peers and I’ve been deeply uncomfortable with that experience ever since, and I can only be grateful that I stopped it as early in the evening as I did.

Everyone’s experience is so different, ya’ll. I haven’t heard a story like mine before, so in no way can I claim it to be an experience that widely represents demisexuality. It certainly doesn’t represent asexuality, nor how queerness (or many other things) intersects with either of those things.

But, at the same time, I’ve never heard a story like mine before. Do you know how helpful it would have been to have been able to see a story like this a few years ago? Ten years ago? It would have been life changing. Because even though, in the middle of all that self-confidence I spouted off about paragraphs ago, there’s this kernel of self-hatred stuck in my teeth, I would have felt validated. I would have felt seen. I would have been able to DM someone who could have told me, hey, it hurts and I know no one seems to understand you, but I do.

That’s to say, if anyone is going through something similar and wants to talk about it, my DMs are always open. I’m no expert, and I bet some of the things I’ve said here aren’t going to hit some people right, but this is my experience. This is the most intimate part of my life. It is a privilege that I’m sharing this with you all, so please, hold it with care. I hope this means something to someone.

Happy ace week, ya’ll.

Oh, and the rice purity test doesn’t mean shit. It’s good fun if you want, but if it makes you feel any kind of way because your number is too low or too high, throw it away. That’s not where any part of your value comes from.

#i promise this has nothing to do with the fact that today is my brother's wedding day #not bitter at all #asexuality #ace week #demisexuality #demisexual #demiromantic #asexuality spectrum #acespec #nobody asked ana #personal #tw: suicidal ideation #tw suicidal ideation #cw: suicidal ideation #cw suicidal ideation

6 notes · View notes

saltyaro · 5 years ago

Text

[Image description: The cover of the 5th book of Aromantic (love) Story. It features a drawn woman in a red tank top, a white skirt that hides her heels, and red high heels shoes. She has her hands on her hips and looks confident.]

You know what I forgot to do? That review on the 5th and last tome of aromantic (love) story. For those who weren’t aware yet, I’m not going to keep the suspense going on any longer: yes, it is safe, no, the heroine doesn’t end up as a straight woman. That’s already a victory in itself, so now all of you can go ahead and buy it if it’s available in your country ;)

The actual review is under the read more, it’s not spoiler free so!

So, Futaba (the main character) tried dating to see if she’s able to develop romance, or not. The person she chose to do so with of course knows about it, and they’re actually both trying it to see if they can understand romance. Futaba still can’t imagine romantic attraction outside of sexual attraction, which frustrates her, because she *knows* allo aces are a thing so obviously, sexual desire isn’t necessarily linked! The viewpoint of her (straight dude) partner-in-crime is...well, not surprising at all, actually. His opinion is that romantic feelings are born of, on one hand, wanting the other person’s happiness, while also wanting to possess them and keep them all to yourself.

This is, well. A very Straight Man™ way of seeing things, but, on the other hand, this point of view isn’t limited to them. (I promise, I’m not going to ramble about how it’s scary that society puts such a violent feeling as the most beautiful and important. Not on this post at least)

Fun note, at least for me, you have the classical “guy is sick, girl brings him medicine” except...Futaba gives him the medicine and just. Leaves. I love her. Well, she ends up going to his apartment, but that’s where her being aro really stands out. Usually, in a basic romcom, everyone’s flushed, and it’s annoying. But Futaba is aro, so she isn’t embarrassed, she just sees someone she cares about being sick and wants to help. She’s very natural and stoic about the whole situation. It may seem like a detail, but honestly I find that so important!

She explains that, when she was a teenager, she avoided men as much as possible (to avoid romance) and I relate. So fucking much. I don’t know if any of you did the same, but with my parents bugging me about boys, I just avoided them as much as possible (with a few exceptions). I didn’t feel unsafe around men yet back then, so I know that’s not what it was.

She explains she was afraid of creating misunderstandings, and ended up not using the world “love” at all because of that. I relate to that so much too, I’m trying to heal from that, and I think it’s important, really important, for us as a community, to learn to separate love from romance. Anyway, this kind of struggle that just...hinders your vocabulary options is really a shame, and I’m glad to see a character mention it (and not be shamed for it!).

Are you ready for some Hetero Bashing™? Because Futaba reunites with her friends and they talk a bit. The Straight dude (Kyosuke) asked Futaba to think about marrying him, and she’s a bit “huuuuuh” so she talks about it to her friends. Friend 1 is like “well, you don’t need to be *in romance* to get married. I have friends, a straight dude and a lesbian, who got married by necessity” and Futaba expresses that she never thought such a thing would happen to her, she never thought of marriage being an option for her. Friend 2 they says that it’s the contrary for her, impossible to avoid the idea of marriage and children, despite not wanting either, because it’s been so ingrained in her head. “you know, the “to perpetuate the specie” argument, like having descendance is every human’s mission...”

And the friend 1 says “ah...the perfect exemple of a notion made by straight people to validate their point of view!” and I love that?? I mean, in general, even in the larger queer community, we’re dancing around the argument, finding proof that there are non-straight animals in all species, and all. She then adds “If reproductions is *that* important...then rich single people could have a ton of kids using articifial fertilization and bingo, they’d have contributed to society’s well-being!” Friend 2 is like “uuuuh, that would raise ethical issues” to what friend 2 answers: “Personally, I kinda reaaally don’t care for lessons of morality from a society that considers sexual minorities and childfree people as useless. If we consider that humanity will necessarily go extinct one day, then mating to reproduce is nothing but a useless cycle”. I really like that take which’s why I *had* to share it despite it being so long to read haha.

Futaba is surprised by her words, so friend 2 explains that friend 1 is worried that a straight guy is going to steal Futaba from them, and she doesn’t want to be abandoned. Friend 1 is bi but that’s a very aro sentiment here tbh.

(Straight bashing, over)

You have the usual meeting with the family...god, how realistic is that, you see your aunt and uncle you haven’t seen in maybe years and the only thing they’re interested in, is whether or not you’ve found a romantic partner. I swear, I got annoyed for the character cause it’s so true. She’s bothered (and I am too) by her grandma’s affirmation that everyones gets married someday. I hate that, it really, really annoys me that I supposedly can’t be free to make my own decisions! But she also knows that it would be useless to explain to her grandma that her words are paternalism, so she lets her be. Because she means well, and maybe that’s the worst thing about amatonormativity and its assumptions...that the people upholding those mean well.

The manga also touches (rapidly) on Futaba feeling of guilt for not being sincere with her family. Her parents aren’t pressuring her to get married, but she knows that seeing their only child, still single, and over 30, is sure to make them worried (especially given she’s not exactly wealthy). I can’t express how much I love seeing a character like that, she knows what she wants, but there’s still this lingering feeling that keeps you from feeling totally at ease, regardless of how much confidence you’ve got. It’s only natural and nothing to be ashamed of.

I think one of my favourite moments of this book - maybe of all the serie? is after Kyosuke’s friends remotivates Futaba by, basically, telling her to do what she always did, fight out of spite, even if that means to accept to sometimes take hits (this happens throught the phone). Kyosuke says to his friend, that he would never have neeb able to say such things to him, and his friend answers that love blinds him, and prevents him from seeing what she really needs. To that, Kyosuke doesn’t answer, and his friend understands immediately and says “That look...maybe you actually nurture this self-deception.”

And I love this moment because, for Futaba to be happy, she needs to be single, and free. From him, and his expectations of romance, because even though he knows, rationally speaking, that she won’t ever feel the same, he still wants her, and still wants to be the one at her side - when no one should be. Not in a partnership way anyway. He’s actually choosing to ignore the rational part of him because he still hopes for her to make the difficult choice, and stay at his side, because it’s not really that he wants her to be happy but rather, that he wants to be the one to make her happy, which is of course, extremely selfish and possessive. I love that it’s just laid here, without ambiguity. What’s great also, is that the straight dude in romo realizes what he’s doing, even if he tries to ignore that. Later in the manga, Kyosuke thinks to himself that he couldn’t help but hope that she would concecede, yield, and accept him, despite knowing that’s not what she needs, and knowing that’s not the way you build a positive relationship. I...don’t know if alloro usually know they’re doing such things? I don’t know what’s worse, to be confident you’re not doing that shit when you’re doing it, or to keep on doing it even though you’re aware.

On a sidenote, I really, really like that she got boosted by the least expected person? They don’t like each other, they’re more or less at each other’s throat most of the time cause he’s sexist and unsentitive, but in the end, he was touched by the anger in the beginnings of her work, and it built a sort of...professional trust between the two of them. Like, those characters won’t ever be friends, but there’s still that little place of trust between them, it’s a delicate portrayal of ambiguous relationships.

Basically, what ends the manga, if the end of Futaba’s own manga (the romantic comedy). And I really like the outlook she has on it, at the end of her 2 years and a half of work. Even though she didn’t want to write such a thing, in the end, she met a lot of people thanks to it, and, through challenging her own vision of relationships and romance, she finally managed to complete her certitude in herself and who she is. I think that’s a lovely parallel.

It also ends her questions, and she rejects Kyosuke (I usually can’t help but laugh when a Straight man gets rejected in fiction I’m an asshole I know). Their conversation is really lovely after that, and challenged the expectations of partnership. Kyosuke asks her if she would have accepted his proposal if, like one year ago, he didn’t feel anything towards her. And her answer is no. She did think about it, imagining their marriage as a fake straight couple, and how she knew that, while it would have asked concessions and sacrifices from both of them, they could have been happy. But what she needs isn’t some stability based on renunciations, but ton confront reality, so she can live in agreement with herself.

Also, the moment after her choice, loneliness and worry strike her, and she acknowledges that feeling, because it’s okay, it doesn’t mean she made the wrong choice. It will pass.

The younger guy who’s also in romance with her, interestingly enough, resolves the situation in a very mature way. He asks her if she’s found her answer, when they’re about to part ways (he’s no longer her assistant), and she says that, yes, she doesn’t feel romance - and he thanks her, for having endured his weirdness all this time, and bids her farewell. And we then have his thoughts - while his decisions, to act that way, was difficult for him, he did so because it was the right thing to do and he realized that insisting would have bothered her. That was nice. The situation is weird for Futaba too, because, as his senior, she kinda felt responsible for him, protective maybe? And she’s a bit overwhelmed by how much this kid’s grown.

There’s an epilogue of sorts, and we can see that Futaba decided to entirely live while being true to herself, which also means making some changes.

To conclude: I really liked this serie! It’s nice to see a woman over 30, finally embracing herself - despite having gone through doubts, even at her age - after making sure she was right about her feelings. She’s, well, asexual I think, but it’s the aro part that matters to her, and really has an influence on her life, the ace part is more of an afterthought. It’s also nice to see a nonamorous aromantic woman! Aro women are already hard to grasp in our amatonormative and migogynistic society, so a nonamorous one probably even more so.

It was overall a really nice experience, I’m not going to say everything was perfect, and her aromanticism is the topic of the story, but Futaba is also her own person and this is never downplayed in favour of talking about her identity. Definitely something too rare and, as such, very enjoyable.

#my post #Aromantic (Love) Story #Aro representation

361 notes · View notes

fand0mfancies · 4 years ago

Text

Came across this on Tumblr a few days ago, it amused me for a couple of hours or more, filling it in, while watching QI.

Fandom Questions

1. What was the first fandom you got involved in?

Star Trek: Voyager, I suppose at least for reading. Started writing with Stargate SG-1.

2. What is your latest fandom?

I dip in and out of lots of fandoms on and off, the most recent ‘pick up’ is Ballam from Eastenders, I don’t watch soaps, but Robron and Ballam both appear a good bit on my tumblr, so I eventually gave in to checking them out via fic and youtube – thank god for youtube, lol! I still don’t watch soaps, but I watch those storylines!

3. What is the best fandom you’ve ever been involved in?

Gosh, that’s... actually no that’s really easy. Primeval. For anyone not familiar, it’s a ‘silly little dinosaur show’ produced in the UK. It had 4 short seasons, with a somewhat revolving main cast – although they managed to keep 3 of them through all 4 seasons – but the fandom was/is amazing. I made life long friends through the fandom and even though I don’t write much any more I still read some and still talk with those people.

4. Do you regret getting involved in any fandoms?

I would say no. I can’t say every fandom has always been amazing – ship wars anyone! – but mostly fandom has been a very positive experience in my life.

5. Which fandoms have your written fanfiction for?

How long have you got... in genuinely no particular order (basically as they came to me) Stargate SG-1, Stargate Atlantis, Star Trek (TNG, DS9, Voy, Ent & Reboot Movies), Marvel, Kingsman, Person of Interest, Due South, Quantum Leap, Firefly, Buffy/Angel verse, Harry Potter, The Sentinel, Torchwood(/Doctor Who), Hawaii Five-0, Shadowhunters, Sherlock, Primeval, Emmerdale (Robron), NCIS, CSI (Vegas, NY & Miami), White Collar, Empire Records, Bull, Diagnosis Murder, MacGyver (the original), 1-800-Missing, CHAOS, Without a Trace, M*A*S*H, Charmed, Queer as Folk (US), Will & Grace, Bring it On, Nash Bridges, Magnificent 7 (TV series), House, Babylon 5 – I think I got them all... a few of those were one time only deals, but a lot of them have more (anywhere from 2-52 (or more still!) ranging from 100 word drabbles, to thousands of words – hey I’ve been writing fic for 21 years... you tend to amass a lot of fandoms...

6. List your OTP from each fandom you’ve been involved in.

Oh geez, here we go, lol! Okay...

Stargate SG-1: Jack O’Neill/Daniel Jackson

Stargate Atlantis: Rodney McKay/John Sheppard

Star Trek: Elim Garak/Julian Bashir, Chakotay/Tom Paris, Jonathan Archer/Malcolm Reed, James Kirk/Spock – I don’t particularly have an ‘otp’ in TNG, the couple I’ve written were Picard/Data, I’ve also dabbled reading Data/Gordi)

Marvel: Steve Rogers/Tony Stark

Kingsman: Harry Hart/Eggsy Unwin

Person of Interest: Harold Finch/John Reese

Due South: Benton Fraser/Ray K

Quantum Leap: Sam/Al

Firefly: Malcolm Reynolds/Simon Tam

Buffy/Angel Verse: Buffy/Giles, Angel/Spike, Xander/Spike, Willow/Tara

Harry Potter: Harry/Draco, Harry/Hermione, Harry/Hermione/Draco

The Sentinel: Jim/Blair

Torchwood: Jack/Ianto

Hawaii Five-O: Steve/Danno

Shadowhunters: Magnus/Alec

Sherlock: Sherlock/John, Mycroft/Lestrade

Primeval: Nick Cutter/Stephen Hart, James Lester/Hilary Becker Emmerdale: Robert Sugden/Aaron Dingle

NCIS: Gibbs/DiNozzo CSI: Nick Stokes/David Hodges, Mac/Danny, Horatio/Speed White Collar: Neal/Peter/Elizabeth

Empire Records: Joe/Lucas

Bull: Benny/Jason

Diagnosis Murder: Steve/Jesse

I’ve left a few out where I don’t have particular OTPs

7. List your NoTPs from each fandom you’ve been in.

Here we go again... lol!

Stargate SG-1: Jack/Sam, I just... no. I’ve read a few where it’s a background or secondary pairing, but it always makes me wince a bit. I’ve read a few with Sam/Daniel as a secondary pairing that didn’t make me react that way and I’ve read Sam with other characters, but Jack/Sam just is a nope for me.

Stargate Atlantis: McKay/Keller – no, just no. that was horrible. She treated him like... awfully, trying to change him to suit her, just... no.

Marvel: Contentious, but Tony/Pepper, also Peter Parker/Tony Stark. Maybe because I saw the movies before I ever looked at the comics, but meh.

Due South: Benton Fraser/Ray V – again, contentious, but honestly I think Ray V was kind of a shit friend to Fraser.

Firefly: Anything with Jayne. No really, I just can not stand the character. I spent most of the series wanting to punch him in the face and sometimes you get characters you love to hate, but I just hated him.

Buffy/Angel Verse: Buffy/Spike, Willow/Kennedy

Harry Potter: Ron/Hermione, Ron/Harry, Harry/Ginny... basically, Ron and Ginny should just be loveless hermits who live by themselves. Ok, no, that isn’t fair... but as much as Ron was Harry’s first friend, he was selfish and bitter and Ginny/Harry just... never sat right with me. Ron literally says she spent ‘all summer talking about’ Harry, when she’d met him for all of three seconds. She didn’t know him. It always felt like she fell more in love with the *idea* of Harry Potter, than Harry Potter himself.

Sherlock: Sherlock/Molly, he’d eat her for breakfast. Serious, she’d never survive him.

Primeval: Oliver Leek and anyway. Arg. Creepy little dude is creepy and evil.

NCIS: Ziva/DiNozzo – ugh, just no.

Again, I’ve left out ones where I don’t have particular NoTPs

8. How did you get involved in your latest fandom?

Tumblr, god damned bitches posting gifs of pretty boys falling in love, roped me in!

9. What are the best things about your current fandom?

I dabble in several fandoms at once... but if we go by ‘most recently picked up’ as ‘current’ we’re talking Ballum, which hey, it’s always fun to have an actual canon pairing be my OTP, that’s rare for me, lol.

10. Is there a fandom you read fic from but don’t write in?

Well (so far) I haven’t written any Ballum. (I say so far, because I’m a realist, lol). I rarely read in fandoms and not end up writing in them at some point. Although I have probably dabbled in a few I’ve not written for, but if I read it with any sort of consistency, I mostly end up writing it. I am weak!

Ship Questions for your Current Fandom

11. Who is your current OTP?

Okay, so that list above, just basically go with that. While I do drop in and hour of fandoms and some I certainly read in more than others, I do tend to go back to fandoms... If we were talking about what I’m mostly focused on writing atm... Steve/Tony, Mycroft/Lestrade, Harry/Draco and Robron are ones I’m currently working on most.

12. Who is your current OT3?

I’m not currently writing anything that’s OT3 with any real focus. I have a couple of Neal/Peter/Elizabeth WiPs that I will at some point finish, but they aren’t a big focus just now. I did recently read a fabulous Neal/Peter/Elizabeth fic that’s been on my tbr list for ages.

13. Any NoTPs?

Just... see above, lol!

14. Go on, who are your BroTPs?

Harry Hart/Merlin, those two are Bro’s until the end and I will fight you on this. Also, Eggsy/Roxy! OMG they are such a BroTP! And Tony/Pepper/Rhodey – I may no like Tony/Pepper as a pairing, but I love them as best friends and of course, our Rhodes, because again, I will fight you on this, they are awesome and Tony needs his best friends!

15. Is there an obscure ship which you love?

I’m not sure there is. I suppose I’ve read a few fics for some random pairings over the years, but nothing that’s made me really ship-ship them. I like Clint Barton/Bucky Barnes, after seeing it as a secondary pairing in a Steve/Tony fic, but I’ve seen that pop up a few times since, so maybe it won’t stay obscure for long!

16. Are their any popular ships in your fandom which you dislike?

Jack/Sam, Tony/Pepper, Ron/Hermione, Harry/Ginny, Buffy/Spike – they all seem to be het pairings, oops. But I am mostly a slash fic reader/writer, so I suppose that’s not too surprising.

17. Who was your first OTP and are they still your favourite?

Jack/Daniel from Stargate SG-1. I still love them. I still read them, although it has been a while since I’ve written them on their own (I have got some SG-1/SGA x-overs where they feature)

18. What ship have you written the most about?

I’m genuinely not sure... without going and counting (and I’m not going any counting!) I’d guess Jack/Daniel, McKay/Sheppard, Jack/Ianto and Steve/Danno.

19. Is there a ship which you wished you could get behind, but you just don’t feel them?

No, not that I can think off. I either like it or not. I do occasionally feel bad for not reading a fic if it’s an author I really like, but I don’t read that fandom or pairing, but nothing specific.

20. Any ships which you surprised yourself by liking?

Robron and Ballum, lol. I do not do soaps!

Author Questions

21. What was the first fanfic you ever wrote?

Stargate SG-1, Jack/Daniel, a story called The Dare, The Disaster, The Almost Happy Ending, And The Very Happy Ending – it was awful. Don’t go looking, lol!

22. Is there anything you regret writing?

Don’t we all? No, I wouldn’t specifically say so. There are certainly fics, especially older ones, I wish I could have written better, but nothing I’d go, ugh I should never have done that.

23. Name a fic you’ve written that you’re especially fond of & explain why you like it.

Uh... honestly that’s really hard. I... um... yeah, I don’t know, really. I wrote a nice little flower one in POI that I felt worked rather beautifully. The Language of Flowers. An I wrote an SGA fic for NaNo a few years ago, called A Different Life, but it’s not online, because I didn’t finish it yet and I knew I wasn’t going to finish it any time soon, so I didn’t feel it was fair to leave it up unfinished (there is a reason I don’t read WiP fics and I don’t post them either, because I know how much I hate unfinished WiPs) Edit: After writing this I reminded myself of a POI fic I wrote called Hours of Separation – It’s a Harold/John break up story that I always intended to write a sequel too where I ‘fixed’ them, but I just couldn’t do it. I broke them a little too well. But I really love it actually.

24. What fic do you desperately need to rewrite or edit?

The afore mentioned A Different Life needs to be edited and finished, lol! Also a Primeval fic with the working title Crypt Keeper (don’t ask) that I worked myself into a bit of a corner on and I figure out how to fix it, but I haven’t done it yet, so it’s still needs fixing and finishing, lol!

25. What’s your most popular fanfic?

I haven’t the foggiest.

26. How do you come up with your fanfic titles?

Sometimes, really easily, a quote, a line from the fic, a song title... other times it’s like pulling teeth, hence working titles on things like ‘crypt keeper’ which is a reference to one scene near the very start and has no actual hint of the plot, lol!

27. What do you hate more: Coming up with titles or writing summaries?

Oh the titles. Summaries you can just copy a few lines from the fic if you are desperate, if you had to post ‘untitled mcshep fic #67’ people would get cranky, lol, hell I’d get cranky!

28. If someone were to draw a piece of fanart for your story, which story would it be and what would the picture be of?

Oh... I... huh. I mean who wouldn’t love fanart for their stories? Any of them honestly! But if I had to choose just one... I guess something in my Animal Instinct verse, which is Primeval (although I always intended to write other fandoms in the verse) where some people transform into animals, based on their ‘spirit animal’ and some art of the characters with their spirit animal form would be awesome.

29. Do you have a beta reader? Why/Why not?

Sometimes, look if you’ve read this far, you know I write in a lot of fandoms, lol. In some fandoms it’s easier than others to find beta readers. Also, sometimes if it’s just something short, I won’t bother. But I do try for my longer fics.

30. What inspires you to write?

That old adage, if you want to read it, sometimes you just have to write it? Spite? Boredom? Honestly sometimes I just have ideas I have to get out of my brain and it’s write or go mad(der)

31. What’s the nicest thing someone has ever said about your writing?

That it inspired them to write something.

32. Do you listen to music when you write or does music inspire you? If so, which band or genre of music does it for you?

Sometimes, sometimes I find it distracting when writing because I end up singing along and forgetting what I’m writing, lol! I do sometimes get inspiration from songs, I guess mostly from the lyrics, but no particular band or genre – although I listen to a lot of country music!

33. Do you write oneshots, multi-chapter fics or huuuuuge epics?

Little from column a, little from column b... littler still from column c...

34. What’s the word count on your longest fic?

Around 60k, I think.

35. Do you write drabbles? If so, what do you normally write them about?

I have. Primeval had/has a week drabble challenge, mostly when I’ve written drabbles it’s been for a challenge, with a specific prompt.

36. What’s your favourite genre to write?

Uh... I mean, my fandoms really span the genres, but I guess sci-fi or crime are probably my favourites.

37. First person or third person - what do you write in and why?

Third mostly, I have occasionally written in first person, if it felt like the fic needed it.

38. Do you use established canon characters or do you create OCs?

Little from column a, little from column b... it depends on the fandom and the story. Sometimes you just need more characters, mostly they are minor roles, I don’t tend to write much established character/oc fic

39. What is your greatest strength as a writer?

Ability to convince myself people will want to read it, lol! No actually to be honest, I love to know people read and like my stuff, but I gave up a long time ago on trying to ‘please’ people with what I write. I write what I want to read.

40. What do you struggle the most with in your writing?

Focus. The problem with 21 years of fandom history, is well... 21 years of fandom history. A lot of fandoms, a lot of pairings and as I say, I never really ‘leave’ a fandom, I just drop in and out and sometimes that means I’ll write on something consistently for weeks or months and then end up getting distracted by another fandom again and not touch it for weeks or months again. Hence, I don’t post WiP fics, because I know I’m easily distracted and don’t want anyone to suffer my lack of focus but me.

Fanfiction Questions

41. List and link to 5 fanfics you are currently reading:

I don’t read WiP fics, so yeah... but 5 I’ve recently read in different fandoms that I’ve really enjoyed

Turns Out, I Have a Rose Garden by betheflame (Steve Rogers/Tony Stark)

Lucky by china_shop (Neal Caffery/Peter Burke/Elizabeth Burke)

Colors by Quesarasara (Sherlock/John)

Betrayal by Blackghost7 (Gibbs/DiNozzo)

Matchmaker (Part 1 of the Marmalade Series) by HastaLux, Mottlemoth (Mycroft Holmes/Greg Lestrade)

42. List and link to 5 fanfiction authors who are amazing:

See now this is hard, because... ahh so many...

FredBassett – Primeval author, her Stephen/Ryan series is epic and brilliant and endless

https://archiveofourown.org/users/fredbassett/pseuds/fredbassett

Keira Marcos – I know other people will have said her, I don’t care. I love all her stuff, across all the fandoms she writes in

http://keiramarcos.com/

theapplepielifestyle – her Steve/Tony is amazing. Hands down some of the best I’ve ever read. I will fight you on this.

https://archiveofourown.org/users/theappleppielifestyle/pseuds/theappleppielifestyle

JillyJames – her Tony DiNozzo is a real life grown up... exactly as he should be considered given he’s a goddamn federal agent!

https://jillyjames.com/

missbecky – I’ve read pretty much all her Steve/Tony and Harry/Eggsy and it’s awesome.

https://archiveofourown.org/users/missbecky

Honestly, I could have listed so many more, but, I’m being good!

43. Is there anyone in your fandom who really inspires you?

Everyone. The thing is, fandom at it’s best is like crack, the more you get, the more you want. The writing, the gifs, the art... it feeds you and makes you want to make more of it, because more of it needs to exist and if that means you need to do it yourself, so be it!

44. What ship do you feel needs more attention?

ALL OF THEM!

45. What is your all time favourite fanfic?

Oh hell no, not even, I can not. It took me an hour to narrow down 5 authors, I can not narrow down one fanfic!

46. If someone was to read one of your fanfics, which fic would you recommend to them and why?

I mean, it depends on what they like... probably the Hour of Separation I mentioned above, if they like the fandom/pairing, or my Animal Instinct stuff.

47. Archive Of Our Own, Fanfiction.net or Tumblr - where do you prefer to post and why?

Archive of our Own. I haven’t touched ff.net in *years* since they started getting super restrictive about what you could post. I do occasionally post stuff to tumblr, but mostly I now post to AO3. I did have my own site and I’ve yet to upload a lot of stuff to AO3 – one of these... months... that will be a project – but it’s amazing. Seriously, having been in fandom 20+ years, going from having to search all over a million different places and now it’s all in one place, where we’re honestly, spoiled and protected. The kids now have no idea how crazy impossible that once seemed.

48. Do you leave reviews when you read fanfiction? Why/Why not?

Yes, but not as often as I should. I love AO3s kudos button, so I can sort of say ‘hey I enjoyed this’ without having to comment, because I sort of hate leaving comments just going ‘hey I enjoyed this’ because I always feel like I should say more, like, oh I enjoyed this specific thing, which yes is an unnecessary hang-up, but there ya go.

49. Do you care if people comment/reblog your writing? Why/why not?

Of course it’s nice to get comments, kudos, reblogs etc. I’m not as attached to them now as I was when I was younger, because I learned along the way that it was more important that I like what I’m writing than that other people do, but it’s still nice to know that something I’ve created is enjoyed.

50. How did you get into reading and/or writing fanfiction?

I went looking for Star Trek Voyager stuff online, pics etc, waaaaaaay back when! And I came across fanfiction entirely by accident... and I read some – het stuff mostly, then I started watching Stargate SG-1, went looking for fanfiction for that, but was not on board with Jack/Sam, found Jack/Daniel went ‘huh really? That’s weird’ read it... and yeah... 21 years later... lol!

51. Rant or Gush about one thing you love or hate in the world of fanfiction! Go!

Ship Wars. No seriously, just don’t. Like, who the actual fuck cares. I like my ship, you like your ship. I don’t care if it’s canon or not. I don’t care if it’s popular or not. I don’t read my NoTPs, but I’d never dream of telling someone else not too. Yes I think they are terrible, bad, no good pairings, but that’s *my* opinion. Don’t try to change my mind and I won’t try to change yours. I avoid them like the actual plague. If someone starts that shit around me, I will shut it right down. You are a dick. Go to Jail. Do not pass Go. Do not collect £200.

#fandom life #fandom

10 notes · View notes

starlitshores · 4 years ago

Text

This might end up being an unpopular opinion, but I’m actually okay with public figures - specifically white hockey players - showing up late to speak out against racism and in support of Black Lives Matter.

The statements that some players have made today sound more thoughtful and considered than I would have expected from them (the bar was low). That takes more work (and, we can hope, self-reflection) than smashing the share button on a corporate sponsor’s statement or an image that only lasts one day.

And yeah, we can choose to think positively and make the assumption that the younger guys who smashed that share button did so because their thoughts, feelings, and gut responses truly align with the messages that Black Lives Matter and bigotry is wrong and we need to do better.

But for some of these guys? Their statements sound like they had to actually take the time to open their eyes to the world outside of their privileged bubble and to actually listen. They had to take the time and sit with it and then figure out how to write a public response. And when they did, they were honest enough to admit that before this, they didn’t even notice. Not just that they have never experienced racism in any form themselves, duh, but that they were somehow walking through life willingly ignorant to reality.

And we can all sit here and go “You ASSHOLE. How did you NOT KNOW?” because I’m not trying to be funny how did you miss Michael Brown’s death and the Ferguson protests six years ago? How did your heart not break hearing about Tamir Rice over eight years ago? How have you not seen the long long lists of names of Black lives lost to police brutality? How did you not even hear about BLM holding up Pride parades IN YOUR SUMMER CITY to protest the presence and inclusion of cops? HOW?

However, everything we’ve all been sharing for the last week, we’ve been sharing in an echo chamber. We already care. So, fellow white people - and this may be obvious to many and is not intended to be repetive or condescending - we’re probably not really educating each other. But we do need to take the weight off our Black and other minority friends and educate other white people. That’s one of the big things we can and should do. And we need to accept that it’ll be uncomfortable and infuriating because the people who need educating are the ones who haven’t been paying attention, haven’t cared, and/or have actively been on the other side. (You know, the ones we don’t want to talk to at Thanksgiving or school or work. For REASONS.)

I’m biased as fuck about this because I teach racist white kids for a living. And I get one semester to shake those deeply ingrained prejudices loose enough that when I present new information or new opportunities to learn and expand their understanding of the world, something gets through. And whether it’s a 15 year old girl sobbing that she’s been a horrible person her whole life (we had a chat about white guilt and forgiving your child self in order to move forward as an ally) or a grown ass rich man finally not looking away and acknowledging his own privilege, I’ll take it. It’s a step.

What I took away from these statements, as lukewarm as some of them were, and as close-to-but-not-on-the-mark as others were, was a little ray of hope.

Based on NHL history - even though he’s answered questions about YCP and queer players and even used the word “paradigm” correctly in his response - I did not expect a player like Jonathan Toews to make any statement let alone one that I saw several white hockey fans in the comments respond to positively. And I definitely didn’t EVER think he’d also make a reference to the experience of North American First Nations in what I personally saw - ymmv - as a little dig at his team’s racist as fuck logo. (Please please please advocate for a change in the logo and branding, Jonny...)

Perhaps there are others who haven’t yet spoken up because they don’t feel ready. Either they’re not informed enough, or they don’t know how to say it, or they’re coming out of some murky dark hole of racist shit, or their white bubble just popped and the world is scarier than they realised. And there are for sure others who haven’t said anything because they’re quite happy in their white bubble and/or because they’re on the cops’ side and don’t want to bother with the PR. (Note: Eichel is an American captain, and Parise is from Minneapolis so their freedom and expectation to speak is, I’d argue, different.)

What I do know is that I’m okay with a late statement from someone who is doing the work and means it, and will happily hold them accountable for living up to it in future.

EDIT: I removed a section about Tyler Seguin. I’ve seen so much negativity about Tyler lately, especially regarding his stint in the Bahamas and that beer pong thing. And I think I allowed that and his past immature comments/behaviour to make me a bit more apologetic than I wanted to be regarding one of my favourite players. My literal gateway into hockey. I still want to acknowledge those past behaviours and my own worry when I saw that he posted because my bar for him IS higher than for other players based on what I’ve seen him do in his community and I was worried he might not meet it. He exceeded it. And since his original statement, he has STEPPED UP. He did a great interview with The Athletic, and the boy is now out there at a BLM protest in Dallas. That’s my baby and I’m proud. The end.

#hockey #white privilege #nhl #black lives matter #blm #totally my opinion and ymmv #long post #text post

7 notes · View notes

katzenkrieg · 4 years ago

Text

Loredump: FFXIV Ships I Sail

I have a massive loredump (see link in my bio) I work on updating occasionally, recording all kinds of details on my WoL, paladin Camille Delane, and his journey to date. Just got done with outlining all of the ships both with and without the WoL that I sail so far. (I’m sure I’ve missed some, of course!)

Spoilers through all of the ShB and 5.x!

Ships I Sail:

With the WoL:

Cam/Cid (headcanon) - my canon couple. They got together after ARR but before the events of Heavensward and have been a casually out/public couple ever since. After returning from the First, Cam immediately proposed to Cid. Cid’s accepted, but they won’t have the ceremony until they’ve fished a significant part of Cam’s found family back from the First somehow.

Cam/Nero (headcanon) - They’ve either had sex at least once already or will have in the future. There’s just too much sexual tension and rivalry between them when it comes to Cid--and Cid’s genuinely *not* interested in Nero romantically or sexually, so Nero can’t *do* much with his sexual tension/attraction towards Cid except redirect it at Cam. This doesn’t mess up Cam and Cid’s relationship, because Nero is actually much easier to deal with when *someone* is fucking him, and Cid’s fine with accepting Cam and Nero being together now and then as background noise to he and Cam’s relationship.

Cam/Ardbert (headcanon) - During his time in the First, Cam became increasingly lonely and isolated from the other Scions. Ardbert was the only person he could be completely honest with about his fears, doubts, and growing sense that he would be inevitably separated from his humanity, his mortality, and his friends and family. For Ardbert, Cam was the only person he could talk to at all, of course! They eventually got creative and formed a romantic-sexual relationship, despite the fact they couldn’t actually touch. Cam’s been honest about this with Cid, but if Cid’s not bothered by Cam and Nero occasionally getting together, he’s definitely not bothered by Cam having a relationship with a...ghost that also shared a soul with Cam. Cid’s not even going to pretend he can form any judgments on something that metaphysical.

Cam/Feo Ul (canon) - Cam’s decided that whatever forming a compact with a pixie means, it’s...a lot closer to an ownership relationship than the casual way the Exarch suggested Cam form one with Feo Ul would suggest. After being scolded and praised in equal measure by Feo Ul just about every time they’ve been face-to-face, and having them offer to possibly betray their entire world and lead it to inevitable destruction just to keep him safe and alive, Cam has realized he has an ally for life and beyond, even if that ally sees him as something a bit like a beautiful pet or flower--sweet, fleeting, and never knowing what’s best for it. Though the relationship isn’t sexual/romantic, it’s incredibly strong. (And, yes, I would 100% read/write Feo Ul as the Faery King dom/ming the WoL, so the not sexual/romantic part is only in canon, not in “awyeah, plot bunnies” one-shot and AU scenarios.)

Cam/Unrequited Aymeric (canon) - Aymeric is definitely in a combination of love/hero worship with Cam, but Cam doesn’t reciprocate the feelings. Sorry, Aymeric!

Cam/Unrequited Haurchefant (canon) - Cam would have loved Haurchefant back romantically/sexually if he could--Haurchefant’s love was so obvious, genuine, and no-strings-attached. Cam still sometimes feels guilt that he just didn’t have the same feelings in return. He still valued Haurchefant’s friendship highly and counts his loss as one of the lowest moments of his time as the Warrior of Light.

Cam/Unrequited Crystal Exarch (canon) - Cam’s not aware of this one at all, but the Exarch is so nervous around and concerned about him, it’s obvious to others (such as Emet-Selch and Alisaie).

Cam/Unrequited Zenos (headcanon) - Zenos has no healthy boundaries at all, and his obsession with Cam has a sexual--and, of course, predatory--element. Cam is extremely not interested.

Cam’s Ascian antecedent/Emet-Selch (canon) - They were definitely incredibly close and important to each other in some way. Whether this was sexual or platonic remains to be seen, but there was a romantic aspect to the relationship in either case.

Unrequited Cam/Moenbryda (headcanon) - Cam would gladly have made his interest in Moenbryda clear if her own interest in Urianger wasn’t so obvious. As it was, though he was attracted to her and greatly enjoyed any time they were able to work (and fight) together, he chose not to say anything. He thinks Moenbryda was aware of it at some level, but he believes Urianger never noticed. (Urianger did notice; he’s just never brought it up.) Moenbryda’s death, like Haurchefant’s, is one that still hits Cam hard, especially because he had so little time to get to know her.

Unrequited Cam/Ysayle (headcanon) - As a fellow Echo-bearer, Ysayle had quite a bit in common with Camille--not only in terms of knowing what it felt like to have the Echo, but also in her commitment to her ideals and to her allies. Cam admired her determination, dedication, and idealism, even though they came at a cost to her and to others; Cam’s own motivations tend to be less abstract and more based in his love for his family, friends, and world. He made a few clumsy attempts to show his interest, and Ysayle looked right past them, apparently without recognizing them for what they were. As time wore on, Cam decided it wasn’t fair to her for him to try to distract her from her goals and ideals (though, honestly, he could have done a great deal of good by distracting her at least a bit--perhaps if someone had pulled her closer to the earth in her relationships and goals, she might have chosen to live instead of sacrifice herself!). He settled on continuing to admire her and support her. Her loss is another sharp sore spot in his time as Warrior of Light.

Cam/Urianger (potential, AU) - as of Shadowbringers, I could actually see this happening during their time in the First, but *only* if, for some strange reason, Urianger and Thancred didn’t end up together. It would also definitely happen in the Faery King AU. Urianger clearly is fascinated by the fae and also just as clearly feels like he has to carry the emotional burden of any strange, life-altering transformative choices his friends make, in relation to the fate of the First, so if Cam became fae, Urianger would quickly become fascinated and protective/possessive in an understated way. Cam would benefit from having a mortal who knew *him* as a mortal and also knows a great deal about the fae to help him navigate his new existence and would reciprocate easily.

Cam/Lyse (potential, AU) - in canon/headcanon, they’re extremely close but in a siblings/platonic fashion. If Cid hadn’t been in the picture, however, Lyse and Cam might have become a romantic/sexual couple. He certainly loves her and is more at home with her than with any of the other Scions.

Without the WoL:

Unrequited Alisaie/Tesleen (headcanon) - Alisaie’s grief over Tesleen’s loss, I read as more than the loss of just a friend, comrade, and peer role model/mentor; whether Alisaie ever articulated it to herself or not, she felt an attraction to Tesleen. Tesleen’s loss--the loss of the first potential for a deep love-based same-sex relationship that she represented--will stay with Alisaie forever. If Alisaie comes out and establishes a firm queer identity later, articulating her feelings to herself and to Tesleen’s memory will be a major part of it.

Alisaie/Ryne (potential, headcanon) - Ryne seems quite interested in being around Alisaie and spending time with her during the Scions’ time in Amaurot. It’s quick and subtle, but I could easily see a crush developing between the two, with Ryne initiating the relationship.

Urianger/Thancred (headcanon) - They married (in all but name, at least). I wouldn’t have seen this ship coming prior to Shadowbringers, but boy is it clear they’ve reached an old-married-couple ‘I support his goofinesses and foibles even if I don’t get them’ level of just being around and covering for each other during their time in the First. They haven’t outed themselves publicly to the other Scions yet, but everyone knows anyway.

Y’shtola/Runar (potential, canon) - If Y’shtola doesn’t yet see how much Runar admires and loves her and wants to care for and support her--and show her how wonderful she is, in his opinion--it’s only because she’s deliberately not seeing it--or accepting it. Y’shtola doesn’t have any models in her past for good romantic relationships; Matoya actively pushed away others and distanced herself even in close family relationships, never mind romantic relationships. Y’shtola does the same, even though it’s not necessary for her to do so--and, in fact, might even hurt herself and others. Runar’s going to keep trying, though, and whether she ever reciprocates or not, he won’t waver.

Unrequited Nero/Cid (canon) - Nero envy-lusts after Cid. Cid had everything Nero could ever want--position, attention from the those in power, resources, talent--and then he *threw it away.* And not only that, he threw it away and the Empire didn’t immediately give all the recognition Cid had relinquished to Nero. *And* Cid himself seems oblivious to how much he had and how much Nero wanted what he had. Unacceptable! Clearly the only way to fix this is for Nero to make himself impossible to ignore and convince Cid to tie him to a bed somewhere and finally act like he *notices* how much Nero wants his attention. Cid, however, remains completely oblivious and uninterested. Cid’s one of those people who’s attracted to one person and *only* after that person has taken the initiative in suggesting/establishing a romantic/sexual relationship. That one person is Cam. Sorry, Nero, you weren’t ever going to win this one.

Platonic Yugiri/Hien (canon) - Yugiri views her relationship with Hien as permanent and primary--her service to him is her guiding relationship in life, much as Lucia’s is to Aymeric. It’s also completely platonic and requires no romantic reciprocation from Hien. Which is good, because Hien is...likely not entirely (or at least not consciously) aware of the depth of Yugiri’s dedication to him.

Platonic Thancred/Minfilia (canon) - Thancred’s feelings for Minfilia have been a bit mixed over the course of his life, I think, which is part of why he struggles to express them so much, but I do believe the bedrock of how he feels towards her is familial--as a sibling and a younger sister. He’s probably tried to think of it as or push it towards romance in the past, as that would be easier for him to deal with--and possibly easier for him to devalue and dismiss. Fortunately, Minfilia wasn’t having it, and Thancred has always been forced back to looking at his relationship straight-on -- as that of an older brother who thought of himself as the protector and was eventually no longer needed in that role. Until right up to Minfilia’s final Rejoining with Ryne, Thancred still wasn’t able to reconcile Minfilia’s choosing her own path and not requiring his protection with his love for her as a sister/family and his own conception of himself as her older brother figure; only finally admitting that she had gone beyond him, to places he couldn’t follow, allowed him to accept the truth of their relationship and put it in place in his mind and identity.

Platonic Lucia/Aymeric (canon) - Much as Yugiri is platonically committed to Hien, without any need of romantic reciprocation, Lucia has chosen to commit her life to Aymeric and his ideals. Unlike Hien, Aymeric is very much aware of the depth of Lucia’s commitment and respects and deeply appreciates it.

Unrequited Estinien/Ysayle (headcanon) - Estinien went from anger, resentment, and scorn towards Ysayle to, eventually, being intrigued by and drawn to her and seeing similarities between his own unbending self-isolating ideals and hers. Whether he ever reached true respect for her, completely free of pity or scorn, is an entirely different question. On Ysayle’s part, she noticed any subtleties in Estinien’s feelings and behavior towards her about as much as she noticed Cam’s--which is to say, not at all. Ysayle was very much fighting her own internal battle up until the very moment of her death, and the dating scene and what various adventurer-warrior types around her felt about her was nowhere on her radar.

Estinien/Gaius (potential) - Estinien spends time with no one (except for Aymeric and Ysayle and sometimes Cam…) and suddenly he’s spending almost all of his free time running around with Gaius? Come on, y’all, something’s up. Dish, Estinien.

Estinien/Aymeric (potential) - Whether they’ve been together in the past or will be together in the future...there’s definitely a connection between the two of them. They figure very large in each other’s views of their identities and personal histories/narratives.

Lyse/Hien (potential) - I could see it happening. Cam would support it--Hien and Lyse are both two slightly clueless, goodhearted, very straightforward people dealing with a lot of pressure and expectations placed on them, and they might have a lot of fun together helping each other meet those challenges. They might also get in a lot of trouble--trouble and fun not being mutually exclusive, of course.

Unrequited entire Buduga tribe/Hien (canon) - They clearly want Hien. A lot. Whatever this tribe of Xaela considers the ideal physical type, it seems like Hien must come pretty damned close to it...

9 notes · View notes