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abbyfmc · 2 months ago

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A Yandere girl/fem as a mother.

I've always seen stories about yandere men and women, in which it's depicted how these characters feel a crazy love for their partners or crushes, but I've rarely seen these characters in a family role, unless it involves incestuous situations (which I won't do in this post, since writing incest is not my strong point).

Parents (not necessarily biological) are important parts of most humans' lives (and I don't say all of them, since not everyone is raised by their parents, unfortunately). Some are terrible and do all kinds of harm within their reach (and many unfortunately don't accept their mistakes until it's too late); others are practically absent; but there is another kind of parents who love their children and would do anything for their well-being, even going so far as to endure terrible situations so that their children can live happy, healthy and safe lives and have a good future, even if that means that the parents have to walk through hell.

Whether biological or adopted, she will love you with all her heart infinitely.

A yandere mother doesn't have to be married or dating someone, as she can easily be a single mother. You can be her only child, just as you can have more siblings.

Whatever the case, she will love you deeply.

For a yandere mother, things like your sex/gender, political ideals or sexual orientation are not important (in the sense that she will not discriminate against you for any of that).

Something that influences the upbringing (and yandere mothers would not be the exception) of children is the socioeconomic status of the parents, which can be lower class or working class; middle class and upper class. The lower class is the one that has the most problems to access quality services such as health, edition and incolding food; The upper class, on the other hand, has greater resources, facilities and better conditions to support one or more lives. The middle class does not have so many problems to access basic services, but they also do not have so many resources to be considered rich. There are people who refer to the middle class as "poor people with money."

A Yandere mother will do whatever she is in her possession so that you are well next to her.

A Yandere mother will not be afraid of working on whatever, as long as you are well.

A Yandere mother will make sure you eat well and take care of your health responsibly, although she won't be upset about taking care of you herself.

A Yandere mother will always want to know everything about you. She wants you to tell her your problems; about your likes, dislikes, hardships, feelings, and everything that happens to you.

A Yandere mother is someone you can't lie to. She'll always be watching you.

A Yandere mother will always know where you are, who you are with, and what you are doing.

A Yandere mother will always protect you from danger. She would put HERSELF in danger so that no one hurts you.

A Yandere mother would be capable of sacrificing others for what she considers "your well-being."

A Yandere mother isn't afraid to kill others for you.

She will appreciate every display of affection from you; whether it's a hug, a kiss on the cheek, a smile or even a simple "I love you" it will make her very happy.

She would be selective, protective and controlling when it comes to meeting your friends, but she would be even more selective regarding your partner or love interests under the excuse of protecting you.

If you are her biological child, she will have loved you since she conceived you or since she held you in her arms after giving birth.

A Yandere mother will not have aborted you under any circumstances (except VERY specific dangerous situations) and will not accept anyone convincing, forcing or obliging her to do so.

Your yandere mother will have told you that she took great care of herself during her pregnancy, because she was terrified of the scenario of miscarriage and someone making her lose you.

Let's be clear; a miscarriage is a traumatic thing for many pregnant women (or, well, all of them). Some go on with their lives; others fall into a depression that only a few recover from, while others commit suicide. It's something extremely heartbreaking for them, and a yandere mother would be no exception. She would be emotionally and psychologically devastated, knowing that she lost her child and she would be devastated to know that her baby has died, and will never come back.

If the yandere mother is your biological mother, she will describe the pregnancy and your birth as the best thing despite the pain of the moment.

If you are adopted, your yandere mother will tell you how she met you, where she found you, and how happy she was to have taken you into her arms.

If she is getting divorced, she will not let anyone take you away from her, fighting to the death for your custody.

A Yandere mother will not tolerate bullying of any kind. She will do anything to get justice for you, including killing your bully and his family; or publicly destroying them through connections.

A Yandere mother will be able to beat up your bullies and make them beg for forgiveness, all for daring to hurt you.

If you are disabled, your yandere mother will be even more overprotective.

No matter what happens, your yandere mother will do her best to keep your life safe.

Has someone abused you? Mommy will seek justice for you, whether judicial or by her own hand. In addition, she will ALWAYS trust you and support you no matter what happens.

Have you gotten lost or disappeared? Mommy will search for you thoroughly everywhere and won't rest until she finds you.

Are you very sick? Do you have a terminal illness? Mommy will do whatever it takes to help you live, such as going into debt to buy expensive medicines or treatments; taking care of you day and night; stealing medicines; donating her own organs to you or killing others to steal their organs for your transplant.

However, a parent's worst fear is seeing their child dead. Knowing that their child is gone, that they are no longer here and that they could do nothing to prevent it is heartbreaking, whether the cause of death was a serious illness, an accident or a murder; the death of a child is SO heartbreaking that it can cause depression in parents (especially if the child was very young or died in a very unfair and painful way). Some parents move on; others end the relationship or get divorced, sometimes blaming the other; some blame themselves; some go into states of denial; many fall into deep depression and some even commit suicide. Each case is different, but the pain in all of them is quite strong and horrible.

A Yandere mother would be no exception. Your death would be her worst nightmare.

She would go crazy after your death.

If it was due to an illness: she will remember EVERY moment of your illness with bitterness, pain, sadness and helplessness, because she knows that despite trying all the treatments and care to save you, she could do nothing but watch your mortal decline.

If it was an accident: She will blame herself for not having acted quickly and for not having prevented it.

If it was a murder: Obviously she will feel helplessness, anger, pain, frustration and sadness for not having been there to protect you or save you. She will feel guilty.

If it was suicide: She will feel guilty for not having supported you enough with your problems. Depression and sadness will consume her.

A Yandere mother won't be able to bear losing you. She'll feel completely empty and without a purpose to live.

Your yandere mother would miss you very much. Her heart would be heavy with sadness if you were to die.

It is likely that after having found answers or justice for you, she will end up committing suicide or feeling a minimum of peace for having managed to get revenge on those who have once hurt you.

However, something I almost forgot is that a yandere mother will have to teach you values and discipline you. She will set rules that she wants you to follow, under the excuse that she does it to protect you or out of love.

A Yandere mother will not tolerate disrespect, otherwise there will be punishment.

-The End.

What do you think about it?

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warriormale · 3 months ago

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More Messages from Gaza

If you are able, please help these desperate families from Gaza

WarriorMale

aiamaher asked:

Hello this is me Aya.. ‏🇵🇸

having everything and suddenly you wake up with nothing left.That's exactly what happened with us .we moved from having everything to having nothing.In a blink of an eye ,we lost everything, our house ,dreams,

memories belongings and our works. We are starting from zero and need your help to climb the leader step by step from scratch.

All the positive words cannot express how generous you are, especially in sharing my posts to inform other donors about the people of Gaza who are still suffering from the terrible conditions caused by the unjust war on Gaza!

Please continue to support us by donating directly or by sharing the link to let others know. Don't hesitate to help people in difficult and miserable times until the dark days are over.

https://gofund.me/c4c2cf82

__________________________________________________________

ahmedomar3 asked:

Hello my friend 🙏🍉 I am Ahmed. I used to live with my family, my father, my elderly mother, and they suffer from chronic diseases. My mother had open-heart surgery on October 7, the first day of the war. I used to work fishing on a large boat. Everything was destroyed, and now I am injured from the bombing, my house is destroyed, and my children and I have nothing left. Children suffer from diseases due to lack of hygiene and unhealthy food. Please donate and support my campaign and help me and my family escape from the war of extermination. Have mercy on us, please 🙏😭

Donate of you can

Reblog my pin post 😓

You can save our life 💔 https://gofund.me/315b0b3c

_____________________________________________________________

ameenafamily asked:

Hello dear,❤️‍🩹👋

I hope you are well and in good health💙.

I am Amina from Gaza🇵🇸, a mother of three children.Nase💚Adam💚and Braa💜 I come to you with a heart exhausted by war and injustice, with the heart of a mother who is in pain for the condition of her children🥺. They live in extremely poor conditions because of the war. No food, no medicine. We live in a tent under the scorching sun.🤒😪 Have mercy on our condition and donate even something simple for my children.🙏 The simplest thing makes us happy, or help me publish through the pinned post on my account💬. I hope you will not let me down, because I can no longer bear it. You are my last hope. Thank you to everyone who contributed and helped me🫂. Amina Yasser❤️‍🩹

🍉🍉🍉🍉

https://gofund.me/79676057

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🍉🇵🇸🍉🇵🇸

osama-family asked:

Hello, I hope you and your family are well. Can you please help me recycle the post on my account? 🌺 And help rescue my family from the war in Gaza? 🙏 Thank you.

https://gofund.me/71c9635a

________________________________________________________

Hi, I hope you're doing well. ❤️ I'm writing to you with full of hope to help me and my family. My family is in a very danger situation due to the ongoing war, and I've launched a GoFundMe campaign to save them. 😢 Could you please share my campaign post from my profile? Each share could be a lifeline for my family. 🙏 Feel free to share it in any other social media platform if you would like. Our campaign has been verified by operation olive branch, and is entry number 26 on their spreadsheet. From the bottom of my heart I want to thank you in advance for all of your support and kindness.

____________________________________________________________--

isra-elazaiza asked:

Hello, my name is Israa, and I am from Gaza.

I am reaching out to you today to ask for your support in reaching my campaign goal. Every single share and donation makes a difference in helping my family stay safe.

I am trying to evacuate my family from Gaza, where people are dying of starvation and disease. Gaza is facing an unprecedented humanitarian crisis that is only getting worse.

I have been unable to find any page that can support me, so I am sharing my campaign here in the hopes that you will be able to help.

My campaign is progressing slowly, and I have not yet achieved my goal.

I would be grateful for any support, no matter how small.

A small donation could make a big difference for my family.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

https://gofund.me/345e1bc0

#warriormale #sfw #always seek manliness

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pyrondeeznutz · 1 year ago

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Ticci Toby Headcanons

PT.01

Toby Rogers past, upbringing, pre-proxy headcanons. See proxy era headcanons here ⬇️

CW: Slight mentions of animal abuse, domestic violence, psychosis, bullying, car crash, gore

<NOTE> Im a psychology nerd so I tried to make it as realistic as possible. This is my first time doing anything like this but I have a lot of thoughts about Tobys character. Its not proofread so ignore any typos or grammatical errors. Also… its very long… I have… so many thoughts…

BIOGRAPHY .

PATIENT NAME: Tobias (Toby) Erin Rogers

BIRTHDATE: April 28th, 1994

AGE: Currently 19 years old

HC/EC: Brown hair, brown eyes

ETHNICITY: White American

BIRTHPLACE: Denver, Colorado

FAMILY: Connie Rogers (mother), Dan Rogers (Father), Lyra Rogers (sister)

DIAGNOSIS: Congenital insensitivity to pain with anhidrosis (CIPA), Tourettes Syndrome, Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), Bipolar Disorder (Type 1, psychotic)

THE GURNEY .

Toby was in and out of hospitals from a very young age due to his wide range of physical and mental health concerns

His earliest memory was when, at age 4, he hit his head after falling onto cement and didn’t cry, scream, or even really acknowledge that he was hurt

After seeing the bloody mess her young child was in, Connie ran Toby to the hospital where tests were ran to determine what caused his lack of pain response

Finally at age 8, Toby was diagnosed with CIPA. This condition not only prevented his brain from generating a pain response but also responses to extreme temperatures (frostbite, heat burn, etc)

Due to these dangerous health issues, and his neurotic mother, Toby was put in homeschooling from a very early age. Connie was too protective of her son to allow him to go out on his own at his age

His earliest memories revolved around roaming hospital halls, his parents fighting over medical bills, being talked to by social workers and doctors, having tests done, minor surgeries, etc.

DEAR OLD DAD .

Dan Rogers was a difficult man. He never admitted he was wrong, he spent his evenings drinking on the couch, and always had something to complain about. The best words to describe this man was angry, bitter, and reckless

He wasn’t a father by any means. To Toby, the man was more of a nuisance than anything. An alcoholic manchild who stood in his way

The boy never got along with Dan. His father would see him as a burden, bringer of unnecessary medical costs. He severely emotionally and physically neglected his children from their birth. Dan never wanted to be a father.

Due to the costs of Tobys medical problems, Dan would continuously attempt to “prove he was faking” his CIPA, and yell at the boy for his strange twitches due to Tourettes. On one occasion, Dan put his sons hand in a pot of boiling water to try and elicit a pain response that never came.

As Toby got older and more independent from his mother, he would often mouth off to his father, talk back, or straight up ignore him. There was never a moment of peace between those two

Being the money maker in the house, Dan was usually very overworked and stressed. He turned to alcohol to relieve this, and his bad temper got worse when he drank. Often to the point his outbursts would lead to physical violence against his family

It was like walking in a minefield for Toby and his family. And since the supposed “man of the house” was a drunken mean old man, Toby took it upon himself to protect his family from his fathers wrath.

He would purposely act up to direct Dans fist towards him. The boy couldn’t feel it anyways, and being hit, pushed, grabbed, was better than having his sister or mother be hit or yelled at.

The young boy spent his childhood in a rage, he was powerless against his father.

MOTHER DEAREST .

Unlike her husband, Connie was a quiet woman who cared deeply for her children

She was well-mannered, motherly, and kept to herself. And while she was a good woman, she had her fair share of flaws

You would catch her dead before you ever caught her losing control over her emotions. Connie grew up quick and that stuck with her. From a young age she took care of her manchild of a husband

She couldn’t afford to lose herself to silly things like emotions. She had a family to care for, a house to clean, meals to cook. Her priorities lied on appearance over her health

This was one of the many reasons she couldn’t leave her husband despite the years of abuse

Despite all the violence, berating, assault. This life was her own and it was just another thing she had to live with

Toby loved his mother, he really did. He knew she did the best given the circumstances. Connie kept her children fed, clothed and housed. Thats all he could really ask for

But he despised from the depths of his soul how she could just sit by and let the abuse happen. How she never left Dan. How she never cared enough to leave despite not knowing what lied in store for them beyond that house

To her, Dan was a safety net. He provided money, insurance, he paid the bills, put food on the table. Connie quit her job in order to homeschool her son. There was no choice

To Toby, his mother was a coward who never stuck up for herself. And god forbid he ever turn into that

So Toby fought the battles his mother couldn’t. He said the words his mother didn’t dare to speak. He took the beatings and his mother did nothing but ask her husband to stop

SOUL SISTER .

In the chaos of that household, Lyra was something of fresh air for Toby

While the two did fight as any siblings do, they had a mutual care and understanding for each other

Lyra would keep a makeshift first aid kit under her bed for whenever Toby got into minor accidents or if their father went too far some nights

Like her little brother, Lyra had a lot of anger in her. She would always try to stop Dan from going too far and she was good at talking Toby and their father down from ripping each others throats out

She would channel this anger and frustration into sports like boxing, soccer, rugby. It was easier to express her feelings through physical means than ever talking about it. The girl was a perfect mix of her parents

When he was younger, Toby had a very bad and hostile relationship with Lyra. He was young and didn’t have any clue how to handle his emotions and would often threaten or physically hurt his sister

But as he grew up, and they bonded over the related abuse, and they would be there for each other, Toby developed tender care for his older sister. If she got a boyfriend, he would be ready to attack at any sign of disrespect. If she brought over friends, he would stay in his room not to embarrass her.

Just as he was with his mother, he was very protective over Lyra. She did so much for him, and he wanted to keep her safe. It was a tangled, messy relationship but they made it work despite her attitude and his anger

CONDUCT .

Toby grew up completely isolated from other kids, families, etc. The most socialization he got was going to family events or being dragged to the grocery store with his mother.

All he knew growing up was violence. And so when he was around other people, he would project everything he learnt from his father onto other kids

From a very early age he was made to feel small and insignificant in his own home by the people that were supposed to take care of him. And so whenever something challenged him out of the house, he would do whatever he needed to do to put them below him

Sometimes Toby would project this violence onto small animals, occasionally moving onto bigger animals such as cats. The feeling of killing something smaller than himself with his own hands gave him a sense of power and control he never had

Due to his untreated ADHD, the boy would often be loud, hyperactive and intrusive. He would have temper tantrums and outbursts as well, and his mother never knew how to handle it

He was a problem child from birth. Not only causing problems for himself, but for everyone around him

Toby would talk back, curse, say strange and vulgar things, refuse to apologize or admit he was wrong, and would run away from home occasionally.

But despite these behavioural issues, Toby always refused to touch alcohol. Despite all the anger, dread and frustration he felt he swore he’d never become the kind of man his father was

BULLY .

Around 12 years old, Toby’s parents decided it would be best for him to get properly socialized and placed him in a public school

He was now old enough to recognize that bleeding is bad and how to check for injuries despite his CIPA, which allowed Connie to calm down tremendously when it came to her anxiety surrounding her boys health and safety

Despite his mothers insistence that he would love public school, he’d make so many friends there, and that everything would be fine, Toby knew damn well he wouldn’t do well there. He was already bullied by his own father, imagine how other kids would react. He’s seen the movies.

And of course Toby was right. Due to his Tourettes, his tics would often confuse, scare and gross other kids out. They would either straight up treat him like a diseases rat or ruthlessly bully him

The boy was called every name in the book, from “twitchy freak” to “ticci Toby”

Alongside the ostracism and harassment from his peers, his tics and behavioural issues would cause him issues with his teachers. They would often scold him for being a disturbance in class

Making and keeping friends was near impossible for the boy. Talking to a “creepy loser” like him was practically social suicide. He was weird, strange, and given his history of fighting the other kids he was probably dangerous too. No kid wanted to be around that.

On occasion, the other boys would get physical with him and he would always hit back, leading him to get in more trouble with the school staff

Toby would be beat down at school and go home to have it done to him all again by his father

Eventually the school year came to an end and Toby was put back in homeschooling

Even though the torment in middle school came to an end, that didn’t mean the bullying stopped. He was now a known freak and the perfect target for kids who were a bit too much like him. They would harass him online until they got bored, and god forbid he saw any of them in public

It made the angry, powerless boy feel even worse in his own world. There wasn’t a night that went by where he didn’t think of going off and getting his revenge. Make them pay for ever fucking with him.

THE CRASH .

When Toby turned 17, he had finally got himself medicated for his recently diagnosed Bipolar Disorder which caused manic / depressive episodes

He was put on antipsychotics and stimulant medication for his ADHD

While he was being treated, his sister got a job and so did his mother. Outside of all the familiar instability and violence his father caused, life was good

Toby was going to be 18 soon and his sister promised that when he became a legal adult, she would take him to move out with her

He didn’t have any friends, he didn’t really have any plans for his life, but he had a life ahead of him regardless and that was enough

The boy was working through pain too great to imagine, he was carrying 17 years of fear and dread, he was so young holding on to so much

But he had a way out. He was going to get a job and move out with his dear older sister and maybe even go to college. He was going to overcome this

That was his views at least up until the crash

Lyra was driving Toby back home from a doctors appointment when it happened

His tics were acting up, it was rather distracting

He was so caught up in his own little world and trying to get through the frustrating twitches that he didn’t even have a second to process what happened

The next thing Toby knew, the car was swerving right into a lamppost and the air bags were deployed

And the next thing Toby saw was his sisters mangled, bloody body. The force of the steering wheel crushing her bones and shards of glass piercing her skin. The physical trauma near shattered her ribs

And the next thing Toby heard was the pained groans and wheezing from his dying sister

Thats the last thing he remembered before he woke up in a hospital bed with his broken arm being patched up. The doctors wouldn’t even let him see his sister who was under surgery in the emergency room

He didn’t get to be there by her side when she died

He didn’t get a goodbye

And while he was surrounded by family, his aunt Lori was even there to support his mother, Tobys father was nowhere to be seen

Dan was too drunk to drive, and too lazy to call a cab. He didn’t care about Toby and he didn’t care that his daughter just died. One less burden.

In one afternoon Tobys entire life slipped through the cracks of his hands

HIM .

The grief was sickening. It was heavier than the weight of the world. The silence that flooded his once loud house from his sister blaring her Beatles albums was deafening

These were the kinds of things that only happened in movies. People didn’t really lose their family members, and these things didn’t happen to people like him

It wasn’t fair

The one good thing in his miserable life, the moment things were finally getting better. There was no hope anymore, Toby was hopeless

He thought of ending his life every night as he stared at the ceiling, not getting a wink of sleep. But he couldn’t do that to his mom. She never showed it, but it showed clearly from the weight in her steps, the tired look in her eyes. He knew she was carrying a burden too great to bear

He couldn’t take away both of her children

So he would lie there night after night hoping to wake up from the gutwrenching dream just to hear her laugh, sing, blast her shitty music. He never really liked The Beatles, but she did. But she did.

It was all too much for him. From the moment Toby stepped out of the hospital he hadn’t felt real. The boy was living two steps away from reality like there was a sheet of plastic in between him and the world

Days would go by where he would forget to take his medication, or where he would simply just sleep the entire day away

On the days he was awake, Toby would feel like he was going insane. He wouldn’t feel real, he would see things out of the corner of his eye

Sometimes he’d swear he saw something outside his window at night

A strange creature standing under the streetlights

And it only got worse from here. Toby would almost always refuse to leave the house, he stopped sleeping, he felt like something was watching him

The boy would spend hours staring outside his bedroom window. The forest in his backyard had eyes and they were watching him

A wave of sickness overtook Toby. He would wake up with bloody noses sometime and no medicine would get rid of his strange cough. Sometimes he would sleepwalk and end up waking up on the edge of the forest behind his house, cold and alone in the dark of the night

It all added up. It was too much. The anger, the fear, the paranoia. The little voice in the back of his head telling him to just do it. Get revenge. Make him pay.

ABLAZE .

The years and years of abuse. Everything his father had done. He wasn’t there. He was never there.

Why should a man like that deserve to live? 17 fucking years of making Toby feel small and insignificant

Not today. And not anymore. The world was in the boys hands now, and so was a knife. And that night was the night Toby Rogers killed his own father.

No words could describe the feeling of adrenaline and rage that overtook the boy that night. There was no other option, this was the way it was always going to happen

Everything Toby has ever been through has led up to this. It was his own divine prophecy

And God showed no mercy that night

23 stab wounds drilled into his fathers chest, his face bloody, beaten and unrecognizable. Toby smashed his tiny bruised fists ruthlessly into his fathers now deceased body.

The only thing that stopped him was the scream of his mother. It was something primal, something deep from the pain in her gut.

Toby ran into the garage and grabbed two axes that belonged to his father, one old one new. Alongside that he grabbed gasoline and matches. He was going to do what he knew best. He was going to destroy everything.

And so the boy ran down the street of his neighborhood pouring the gasoline along his way and dousing the rest over the trees as he stood at the edge of the forest

Striking a match, the dry grass and trees caught on fire and immediately exploded into flames. The heat and blaze engulfed the boy and soon it began catching onto the rest of the forest

This was the end, he thought. Strangely enough, even though his heart was beating in his throat and his body was shaking, he felt calm. He had no regrets and he was fine with this being his ending.

His mind went blank, everything felt like a static screen, he could feel himself getting dizzy and there was a loud ringing in his ears

The last thing he saw was a tall, faceless creature in the midst of the smoke and fire as he collapsed to the ground.

And that was the death of Tobias Erin Rogers.

#creepypasta #ticci toby #creepypasta ticci toby #creepypasta headcanon #ticci toby headcanons #ticci toby fanart #toby rogers #ticci toby creepypasta #creepypasta writing #ticci toby fanfiction #writing #original writing #ticci toby headcanon #pyrocrpz

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gatheringbones · 5 months ago

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[“Rehabilitation is meant to remake the person into a law-abiding citizen. Incapacitation removes the person from society so that they cannot do additional harm. Deterrence prevents people who might offend from engaging in harm because, having seen what the punishment has been or will be, they understand the potential negative consequences of their actions. And retribution, the oldest moral underpinning for punishment, is intended to ensure that those who commit crimes receive the punishment they deserve. Punishment settles the score between the person who commits a crime, their victim, and the wider society. Punishing survivors of gender-based violence is difficult to justify using these theories. In an era in which prisons barely meet people’s basic human needs and substantive programming is scarce, few argue that punishment rehabilitates. Nonetheless, in sentencing eighty-year-old Lavetta Langdon for the murder of her husband after fifty years of torture and despite his recognition that she had “lived in hell,” Judge David Urbom sentenced Langdon to eight to ten years’ imprisonment to “rehabilitate” her.

For criminalized survivors, relying on rehabilitation is particularly inapt. Crimes committed by criminalized survivors are often specific to their victimization. The problem is not with the person who commits the crime, but with the harm they are experiencing. Justifying punishment using rehabilitation reinforces outdated stereotypes suggesting that gender-based violence is linked to some deficiency or infirmity in the victim. Rehabilitation also assumes that the person convicted of a crime does not appreciate that their actions were problematic; rehabilitation is meant to change the person’s underlying values. Criminalized survivors understand that they may be technically guilty of crimes. What they dispute is the failure to recognize the context for those crimes and to apply the law—and the values underlying the law—appropriately. As one woman convicted of killing her husband explained, “I’m not asking to be found not guilty, because I am guilty, I took his life, I did it. . . . I am definitely guilty of taking his life, I mean, if I was found not guilty, they’d have to look for who did it, right, I mean someone’s got to be guilty. And I certainly take responsibility for what I did, I have no problem with that, but I certainly don’t deserve 18 to 20 years for it.”5 Faced with the same situation again, many would be forced to make the same choice. Incapacitation is generally linked with incarceration (although house arrest and electronic monitoring are forms of incapacitation) and assumes that because people have committed crimes in the past, they are likely to do so again unless removed from society. But many criminalized survivors have never offended previously, and most (including those who have been convicted of serious violent crimes) will not reoffend. Incapacitation is therefore unlikely to prevent offenses by these people.

What incapacitation does do is deprive society of the many other functions performed by these people—as parents, caregivers, workers, and members of communities—while at the same time imposing the costs of their incarceration on taxpayers. Deterrence is no more persuasive. The evidence for the deterrent value of punishment is inconclusive, particularly when the sentence involves incarceration. Sentencing people convicted of violent crimes to prison may have no greater impact on recidivism after release than sentencing someone to probation.6 Incarceration may instead spur offending by exacerbating preexisting mental health conditions or trauma and making it difficult for people to find legal employment after their release.7 For the criminalized survivor being punished, deterrence is largely unnecessary: that person is unlikely to find themself in the same situation again. Other survivors, perceiving immediate danger to themselves or their children and no other clear or effective options, are unlikely to be deterred from acting by the abstract threat of punishment or the knowledge that another person has been punished for taking similar action. Which leaves retribution. Retribution motivated the judge in the case of Barbara Jean Gilbert, who killed her husband after fifteen years of abuse. The judge handed down the maximum sentence of incarceration—even though the probation department asked for probation, citing her “exemplary” conduct, and prosecutors did not ask for prison time. The judge explained his decision: “You have snuffed out a life. . . . Therefore the court has the right to inflict pain and deprivation on you.” But what does a criminalized survivor deserve, particularly when the victim of the crime for which the person is being punished has inflicted immeasurable damage on that person? Retributivists stress that the punishment must be proportionate to the crime. To determine proportionality, context is essential. A proportionate response should factor in the harm already suffered by the person being punished. As Darcy K. WarBonnett has observed, prior to entering prison she was already serving a life sentence by virtue of having been abused by her partner. “We are incarcerated not AS punishment, but evidently for MORE punishment.”

Retributivists also argue that punishment restores moral balance. That balance is necessarily different, however, when the victim of a crime has abused the person convicted of that crime. The moral balance has already shifted away from the victim because of their earlier actions. Even if none of these rationales for punishment is satisfied, society may still seek to punish those who commit crimes. Punishment reinforces the value of and respect due community norms. Directing hostile feelings toward those who have committed crimes allows members of society to vent their frustrations and feel in control, while at the same time believing they are right. To the extent that punishment fulfills those needs, “punishment pleases.” The need to assert community norms and control motivates community members to call for harsh punishment of criminalized survivors. As one newspaper columnist wrote after Dixie Shanahan was sentenced: “Open a loophole for one woman to kill an abusive spouse and pretty soon you’ve got dozens of dead husbands.”]

leigh goodmark, from imperfect victims: criminalized survivors and the promises of abolition feminism, 2023

#leigh goodmark #cw abuse #currently reading

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bread-and-roses-too · 10 months ago

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Demonizing menstruation doesn't help spread information, mysticizing menstruation doesn't help spread information. Going completely neutral is the only way forward.

Periods are an expulsion of waste. They're no more gross than pissing is. The social etiquette of "excuse me I have to go to the bathroom" shouldn't change because someone puts a pad in their pocket before they head off.

Period blood is blood, along with endometrial cells. It isn't more dangerous or gross than the blood that comes out of a wound. It should be treated with the same level of caution because of the potential for disease transmission, but it's not some toxic sludge that you're going to die from looking at wrong. If blood gets on a nonporous surface a simple antibacterial wipe will remove it and prevent the spread of most potential diseases. For a porous surface like fabric soap and water may be enough, or hydrogen peroxide if the stain is stubborn. More careful steps may need to be taken if the blood may or does contain HIV, but it's important to remember that HIV can only be contracted by blood-to-blood contact or sex. Blood from a person with HIV isn't that much more dangerous than regular blood, just try not to touch blood directly in general and wash your hands correctly after handling soiled objects and you'll be fine.

Periods are not your body "punishing you" for not being pregnant. Your body is just a container for you, it doesn't have any feelings that you don't have. If you don't want kids but feel guilty about not having them, it is not your uterus making you feel guilt. That's you being reminded by your period to feel guilt because you were conditioned growing up to view everyone with a uterus as valuable only in terms of their ability and desire to carry children. Anthropomorphizing the function of your reproductive system is the way you deal with the guilt of not living up to your societal "purpose" of bearing children. Everyone who doesn't have kids, has kids late, or has a journey regarding children that's different from the societal norm deals with that to a certain extent, although people who were raised as girls/women tend to deal with it more. It's a line of thinking that you will likely need to work through, either alone or with a sympathetic therapist, in order to be content. Also, if your periods feel like a punishment that could be a sign that something is wrong.

Periods aren't supposed to disable you. Cramping should be at a "oops I ate something that didn't quite settle with me" level not a "cosplaying as a wounded animal" level. You should be able to pop your over-the-counter pain medication of choice and not have to think about the fact that you're on your period aside from the occasional bathroom trip to change your menstrual product. Bleeding through pads or tampons on an hourly basis isn't normal. Fainting from blood loss or pain isn't normal. Being unable to complete daily tasks, or completing them with difficulty, due to pain is not normal. Nausea or vomiting that interferes with your ability to stay fed and hydrated isn't normal.

Irregular periods can be normal, some people just don't get periods on a consistent schedule. Going more than 35 days between can be a sign that something is wrong. Going more than 90 days without a period, sometimes called "losing" your period, can be a sign that something is wrong. If you don't want to have a period, forcing yourself to "lose" it through starvation, overexercise, or stress is not a safe way to do it. These behaviors can have other long-term consequences, including premature death. Hormonal birth control can be taken consistently, skipping periods, with no excess effect on fertility or personal health that we're aware of.

Emotionality is normal before and during your period. Crying at a cat video that you would normally scroll past without thinking is normal. It's ok to be frustrated with emotionality, it can be annoying to feel out of control. It's also ok to withdrawal from others for a short time when you feel unable to socialize. Panic attacks, depression, sleep disturbances, loss of interest, and other major mood disturbances are not normal and can be a sign of premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD). PMDD is as serious as other depressive disorders and can lead to suicide.

Your reproductive system isn't self-contained, it's connected to the rest of your body via blood supply and other mechanisms. Even if you plan to have a hysterectomy or other permanent birth control at some point it's still important to get "period problems" checked out to ensure the rest of your body isn't affected.

People deal with their periods how they deal with them and it's none of anyone's business. Someone isn't lazy for not feeling up to activities during their period. People who eat junk food on their period aren't "making themselves feel worse". Judging someone's choice in menstrual products is so fucking weird and rude, yes I am judging you back. People who skip their periods using birth control (hi!) aren't ruining their bodies with chemicals. People who choose not to use birth control or don't use it for that purpose aren't choosing to suffer for no reason. People are infinitely complex in the ways they choose to deal with inconvenience and challenge and tearing each other down for not being the same is unproductive. Period stigma can only end when we work together, trans and cis, intersex and dyadic, all gender presentations, races, sizes, and abilities, to make it work.

In the theme of the last paragraph, if anything in this post is incorrect or uninclusive, please let me know and I'll fix it asap.

[image ID: a banner that reads "TERFs and SWERFs DNI].

#periods #menstruation #feminism #inclusive feminism #intersectional feminism #the menstruation masterpost

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cheesy-che · 3 months ago

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Messages from my inbox about people in need. Please visit their blog and help how you can. No donation is too small. 🇵🇸 Feel free to share and reblog!

#FreePalestine

@familygazaamal asked:

Hello dear, I am talking to you about my suffering and the suffering of my children. I have not met or seen my children for more than a year because I am in Egypt for treatment, and my children in Gaza are going through difficult and desperate conditions. They are unable to obtain the basic necessities of life. Who brings them water and food in light of the difficult conditions and high prices there. I also have a strong fear of losing them. Please help by donating. If you cannot help, please share. There is news about the opening of the Rafah crossing this month, which is the only opportunity through which I can meet them. Please helpVerified by @gazavetters, my verified number in the list is (#55) ~ @mahrahpalestine asked:

Hello dear,,,,My name is Marah from Gaza. Computer engineering student. I hope you are well . 🇵🇸

I write to you with a heart full of hope and faith, and I ask for your urgent help. My family is in great danger due to the war, and I am running a fundraising campaign to save them. My father and mother suffer from diabetes and high blood pressure. Help me secure them

Please, any donation makes a difference in our lives, and every reblog helps reach as many people as possible. 🍉

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for any help you can provide. ~ @anas12a asked:

Hello ,our family is facing incredibly difficult times due to the ongoing war in Gaza 💔. Our dreams and future have been shattered, leaving us feeling lost and without purpose. Anas and Ahmad have launched a GoFundMe campaign to help them escape Gaza, continue their education, and support our family.

Making a small donation or sharing the campaign would mean the world to us. Link: https://gofund.me/8eb29f87

Thank you so much for your kindness and support 💖

With gratitude, Anas & Ahmed Family Vetted by @90-ghost & by association ~

@mohammedayyads-blog asked:

‎‏I am mohammed ayyad of Gazans, living in very difficult conditions because of the war that the Gaza Strip is under. Since the outbreak of the war on the seventh of October we have been evacuating .

‎‏Then the journey of suffering and separation began,because my children were separated and evacuated from our home without covering or clothes. From here they became infected with diseases, and what increased our fatigue was the constant upbringing due to the different areas in which we were displaced, as we were displaced 9 times, and this was very expensive, the last of which was the 9th of this August from Hamad Town. In addition to that, we have lived in the summer season in a tent that did not exceed three meters, closed with nylon, so it is like an agricultural greenhouse atmosphere. It is very hot. All in all, we live difficult days that no human beings can afford. We use direct donation including what they can or share links fully so people can know our tragedy and pain. Remember a small contribution can make a difference in the lives of many children who are dealing with their health condition all. Leave their details and make them happy with your generous contribution. ~ @mohammed5alwadiya asked:

Hi 🌟, I hope you’re doing well. We’ve raised very little so far to support me and my family during these challenging times due to the conflict in Gaza. We’re still working to reach our goal and would greatly appreciate your help. 🙏 If you can’t donate, could you please share or reblog my pinned post? Your support in spreading the word would mean a lot to us. 💪 Pinned post here.

Donation link: https://gofund.me/f751a38a

Thank you so much for your kindness and support! ❤️ ~ @emanabosedo asked:

Hello,🙏I hope you're well. I’m reaching out to ask if you could help by sharing and reblogging my story. I've faced many hardships, and your support and the spread of my story could greatly impact my life and help me through these tough times.

Thank you so much for your understanding and generosity.🙏♥️ ~ @bilalassadabedrou asked:

Hello everyone🙏🤝🫶👋👋

The youngest child in my family passed away under bombardment and destruction in Gaza💔💔💔💔😭😢😓. In light of this tragedy, I ask you to donate to save what is left of my family, or at least publish the link on your pages to help us gather the necessary support. May God have mercy on those we lost, and may God help us all in these difficult times🤍💌💌. This is the Tumblr link This is the donation link ~ @hayanahed asked:

Hi, I hope you're doing well. ❤️ I'm writing to you with a heavy heart and an urgent request for help. My family is in a very danger situation due to the ongoing war, and I've launched a GoFundMe campaign to save them. 😢 Could you please share my campaign post from my profile? Each share could be a lifeline for my family. 🙏 Feel free to share it in any other social media platform if you would like. Our campaign has been verified by operation olive branch, and is entry number 26 on their spreadsheet. From the bottom of my heart I want to thank you in advance for all of your support and kindness.

#freepalestine #no donation is too small #free gaza #justice for palestinians

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uponawhitehorse13 · 4 months ago

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Kohaku SFW alphabet

A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)

Any possible way, every possible way. Whatever your preferred love language is, she is ready to both give and receive.

B = Best friend (What would they be like as a best friend? How would the friendship start?)

You’d probably meet while she’s out running errands. Chats would get longer until you end up getting invited over to the mansion and it continues until you’re a regular guest.

C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)

Very big fan of cuddles. Whenever she’s too tired for other activities she nuzzles into you hoping you’ll hold her.

D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?)

Well first and foremost she is the best cook in the entire Nasuverse. Cleaning is a weakness of hers but it’s managable. But a normal housewife lifestyle is more than she ever dreamed she’d get.

E = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)

Let’s not think about it. Betraying her trust would be very dangerous for a lot of people, including her.

F = Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?)

If you popped the question she would completely freeze without any emotion on her face followed by uncontrollable crying. It really would be the final sign that it’s all over and that she can finally live normally.

G = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

She can be a bit of a tease sometimes but other than that she’s very sweet and loving.

H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?)

Always. Whenever she can she tackles you into a hug. If the two of you are out and about she’s also always clinging to your arm.

I = I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?)

She’s always mentioning how much she loves you and adores when you say it too. Sometimes when she’s doing something you can hear her humming nonsense and singing little songs about how much she loves you.

J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?)

Surprisingly possessive. If she gets jealous she’s just gonna quietly stare at you with a big sad look on her face. You will need to reassure her everything’s ok when you’re done.

K = Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?)

Does not hold back. You will be kissed so much. There is no escape.

L = Little ones (How are they around children?)

She’s so good. Kids love her. She loves them. It’s perfect.

M = Morning (How are mornings spent with them?)

It’s hard to get her to stay in bed. Even when she doesn’t have to she makes breakfast. It’s just a force of habit.

N = Night (How are nights spent with them?)

She likes watching TV before going to bed. Sometimes she falls asleep while watching and you carry her to bed.

O = Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)

After a while of being in a relationship she’d pull you aside to talk about her past. She’s just unsure if all of this is real and if you’d want to be with someone like her. It all leads to a very sweet and emotional moment.

P = Patience (How easily angered are they?)

She will not hesitate to shut you the fuck up and give you a lesson. Don’t test her.

Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?)

She’s very good at remembering things. Especially surrounding your food preferences or any health conditions you might have.

R = Remember (What is their favorite moment in your relationship?)

While you’re dating Kohaku every member of the Tohno household is going to eventually pull you aside for a little chat. However Shiki not only talked to you but also gave you a ribbon he said you should give to her when you think the time is right. When that time came it was the happiest moment of her life. A true sign her old life was over and her new life began.

S = Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you? How would they like to be protected?)

Very protective. Especially if you get sick. Would also be head over heels if you were protecting her.

T = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)

Gives it her all. Also always ropes Hisui into her schemes.

U = Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?)

She sometimes says very disturbing things.

V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?)

She doesn’t get a lot of opportunities but she loves dressing up.

W = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?)

God after everything in her past losing you might just push her completely off the edge.

X = Xtra (A random headcanon for them.)

Gaming. She loves playing videogames with you. Would do little bets about the person who loses next having to do what the winner says. (also strip melty)

Y = Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?)

Does not like people who take things for granted.

Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habits of theirs?)

Always gets very close to you when sleeping. Which works out well especially if it’s cold. She has a very warm presence.

#x reader #sfw alphabet #tsukihime #melty blood #melty blood x reader #tsukihime x reader #kohaku #tsukihime kohaku #kohaku tsukihime

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mahmoudkhaled · 11 months ago

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My name is Mahmoud Hammad from Palestine, Gaza. I finished my studies in nursing. I worked as a volunteer in one of the hospitals in the Gaza Strip, “Nasser Medical Hospital” in Khan Yunis, and after that I worked in a field outside my university studies due to the economic conditions and the siege on the Gaza Strip. “I want your help to save my family from this brutal war, and I am asking for your support to help me rescue my family (my parents, my wife, my two children, and three brothers) from Gaza. For more than 130 days, we have witnessed very difficult days of bombing, destruction, fear and terror. I lived days without I know news. My family has been cut off from communication due to the massive destruction and bombing. My family was displaced under bombing and terrorism to Rafah. We have reached a stage where we feel desperate. I ask you to help me save my family’s life by getting them out of Gaza because there is no safe place, and people are slowly dying because of... Hunger and dehydration. Displacement, the spread of diseases and malnutrition. My family became homeless like many others due to the ongoing bombing of Gaza since October 7. When my family was displaced, there was no means of transportation to get around. They walked under the bombing with fear and panic in their hearts. My family is staying now in a tent in Rafah in bad conditions. It is absolutely inhumane, food is running out, there is no electricity, water or toilet and it is very cold, imagine no diapers for my children! It has been 3 months of hell and horror. This genocide has been going on for a while for a long time, our mental health and our lives are in constant danger. This is what I can describe, and I cannot talk about the horrific scenes that my family witnessed throughout this period. We have reached a point where there is no longer any hope for us here in Gaza because unfortunately we are waiting for our turn to die.

The destruction in Gaza is too great to rebuild quickly. To exit Gaza through the Gaza crossing, which is the only crossing in the Strip, an adult must pay $7,000 to the coordinator. The occupation has destroyed a very large number of homes in our camp and bulldozed all the streets, and now we know nothing about our home!, which I miss and my eyes shed tears without realizing it. My entire childhood and childhood memories were lived in that house.

Please help me, I would greatly appreciate any donation, even a small one that can make a huge difference in alleviating our suffering. Please share my campaign widely, because every minute is a risk of death in Gaza. I would appreciate your help during this difficult time.

Thank you for standing in solidarity with us.

Mahmoud from Palestine - Gaza

#free gaza #gaza #palestine #save gaza #save palestine #gaza genocide #war on gaza #stand with gaza

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viciouslyyearning · 2 years ago

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Considering a story idea here... With a monstrous prisoner and his caretaker

Imagine you're living in an old kingdom that's been around for at least a few hundred years, the royals appear kind and caring but as soon as someone mentions something out of that image they disappear. The secrets are ignored for self preservation of the people.

Due to the reputation of the castle, as well as the decent working conditions, whenever an opening for a job under the crown is available it is just as quickly snatched up. Except for one.

"Caretaker"

Not nanny for the children, not companion for the young royals of the court, caretaker. It is a position that is filled and reopened again and again as though whoever takes the job on just... Leaves. If nothing else.

With no family left and no means to make any money you brace yourself for caretaking of a royal pet who's a bit more dangerous than ought be.

You are found by the guards after applying and taken directly to the King and Queen. They are nice in the way a shopkeeper might be, nice as long as you give them business, nice as long as you do as they need.

They tell you that your job will be to watch over and care for a prisoner locked away in the catacombs under the castle. He is in a small cell, unable to escape so there is no threat to you. They only wish not to deal with him personally. They refuse to kill him either so, a life of nothing is his punishment.

You hesitate, and ask his crime to deserve as such.

"That creature was judged by my great great grandfather, I trust his judgement and instructions. He will not be killed but he must not be allowed to die either." The queen spoke with order in her tone.

You bowed, her louder tone reminding you it is not your place to ask.

The King stood alongside his Queen, "you will be housed in a small cottage, the entrance to the catacombs is in the basement, hidden from any outside of your job and our title." His voice grew firm. "You will not discuss the contents of your role here. You will never allow him to be found by curious eyes."

You agreed silently, wholeheartedly.

The Queen spoke once more, "You will be provided meals for you and for him. Be certain not to switch the two, one is fit for health, the other is only there to not allow starvation. All you need do is give food and water as you see fit. As long as he doesn't perish under your care it can be as often or as far between as you'd prefer." She hesitated, "it would be best to ignore him entirely while you are there. He has earned his punishment and will serve his sentence for however long it takes."

You were escorted quickly and stealthily to your new home, it was a decent little cabin. Room for one with some food already stocked in the shelves and a small bag of coin to start you off.

The guards left you after that, not a word to be shared.

You settled what few belongings you had and noted the time. Supper already, might as well go ahead and greet your new... Acquaintance.

You looked through the pantry to find a decent sized bag filled with scraps of food, presumably from the castle. Half eaten, molding bread. Squishy fruits, foul smelling meats.

You were quick to close the bag once more. Bewildered at the state of what you assumed was your prisoners meals.

You shook your head and left the bag, searching through the rest of the pantry to collect the food that must have been meant for you, fresher, not smelling of something rotten, decent textures.

Assembling two bowls of a mix of cheeses, slices of meat, some grapes, and a small half loaf of bread each. Grabbing an empty water skin and filling it up as well, you headed to the basement and down through the catacombs.

The catacombs were musky and dimly lit, the greatest light source being your small lantern. It was a decent sized hallway with various connecting rooms, some with empty dusty cells, others carved out hovels. You made sure to note different rooms as it would be your new working grounds.

It took a few minutes of walking before you finally saw a room with a lantern that had long since ran out of fuel.

It was deathly silent as you slowly peered into the room, dingy brown rock walls, a wooden table covered in dust, and a heavy cell door made of metal bars with a small hole at the bottom of it.

You cautiously walked into the room, bringing your lantern with you, illuminating the room, you couldn't see much but felt something here. It wasn't empty silence it was a silence that contained something... Or someone.

"Hello?" You called cautiously, walking towards the dark cell.

You almost dropped your items as a pair of glowing green eyes opened in the darkness to watch you. You swallowed silently, observing the silhouette of what must have been your prisoner.

As he said nothing, you sat on the ground in front of the cell door. If he was sitting you would too. "I'm here to bring you your meal." Your voice wavered slightly, uncertain of what his response might be, would he slam the cell doors, scream madly, try to reach you and hurt you?

"Oh..." The feeble voice sounded softly. Heavy with an unfamiliar accent and resigned to his fate.

You nodded, finally looking away and towards the two bowls. You froze when you felt his eyes focus intently on you.

The rattling of heavy chains echoed through the stone room.

When you looked back to where the man was you had noted he'd crept closer, in doing so it allowed you to take note of his appearance. Long unkempt dark hair, a scruffy beard and a mountain of a form covered in simple grey fabrics. The man was massive and also so damn feeble. His green eyes watched you closely, he sat away from where you were still. Waiting.

While watching the man you slowly slid one of the bowls through the slot in the door, watching him eye the simple meal like a predator. As soon as your hand had retracted he slowly reached an arm towards the bowl, seeing his skin close to your light let you see how his hands were black as charcoal, blending into his natural skin tone. As he moved to grab his bowl you could also take note of how skinny he was, how dry and cracked his lips were. The poor man had damn near been starved multiple times if his reaction was so calm to his situation.

Once he had taken the bowl and looked properly at it's contents his eyes darted to yours. Had he truly been eating the scraps you had found?

You looked away to take your own bowl and begin to eat, hearing the man tear apart his meal with a fever.

You both sat in silence, the man long finished before you, yet staying where he was. It wasn't until you lifted the waterskin to take a sip did he make any noise.

You looked to him, watching him stare intently at the skin. "When was the last you'd had a drink?" You spoke gently.

He breathed slowly, finally looking away from the skin, almost ashamed to have been caught. "Since the last time it had rained, there is a crack in the rocks that allows a small trail of water to run through this hole."

His words made you freeze. It was someone's job to keep the man alive and hardly that had been done. He was sound of mind and calm, could the basic decency of humanity have not been applied here? You sighed, slowly capping the waterskin and sliding it through the slot. "Drink."

The mans hand shaked as he reached out, almost unbelieving. Lifting the waterskin and delighting in feeling that it was almost full, not even an empty promise but a container of fresh water. He drank desperately, downing the entire waterskin and leaving you wide-eyed at the display.

Once finally finished he breathed deeply, eyes closed and silent. You watched curiously as he finally opened his eyes once more to look to you.

The man bowed his head silently, clutching the bowl and waterskin as though precious treasures. As he lifted his head he shuffled closer to return them both. "I can not tell the last I've such a meal. Your kindness is greatly appreciated."

He spoke with such joy and respect it astonished you. For multiple reasons, though the main one rising in your throat. "Did no one feed you a proper meal? This was just what I could grab short notice."

He looked confused now, "I would say that was a proper meal, not a speck of soiled food anywhere." The both of you had moved closer to the cell bars as you spoke, allowing you to see how truly massive this man was and how powerful he would be if well kept. Damn near twice your size at least.

You shook your head, "No this was not a actual meal, this was something quick and easy." You declared. "My entire job is to keep you fed and I refuse to make multiple different kinds of meals, whatever I make for myself I make for you, that will be simplist." You decided, refusing to also waste time on food that would make you sick from looking at it.

The man stared at you with wide eyes that looked almost tearful. "Avalon." His voice came out more clear than before.

Cocking your head to one side you spoke, "Avalon?"

"My name," He replied. "If you are to speak so kindly with me I wish you to know it."

"Ah, thank you then."

He nodded. "You might wish to return home now, I don't think you'd enjoy wandering in the dark." Guesturing to your flickering lantern, Avalon made a very good point.

"Shit!" You exclaimed as you realized that it would extinguish soon, not enough fat to keep it burning for much longer. You quickly gathered your things, pausing as you realized you would be leaving with the only light source, leaving Avalon in the dark once more. You grimaced as you looked to the empty lantern that had been left behind.

"I can bring more fuel for the one here when I return tomorrow."

"Tomorrow?" Avalon grasped the cell bars, staring intently with a hopeful look in his eyes. "You would return tomorrow?"

Now you were once more confused, "Yes? I plan on bringing you a meal at least once a day, most likely in the evening so I'll have time to prepare."

The massive man smiled so brightly you'd think you had told him he was free. You couldn't help but offer a small smile in return. "I'll be back tomorrow, and I'll bring more lantern fuel so you're not sitting in the dark." With that you turned and left, walking quickly to avoid having to navigate the tunnels in the dark.

Avalon stared at the door, watching the same spot long after your light had left. Even he could understand the miracle that had been such a kind person being the one to care for him. He almost felt hopeful, if nothing else, than for someone to properly speak with, not to be ignored. As long as you showed no kindness whenever the king saw fit to come around, would you be safe.

For weeks everything was calm, you would cook a hearty meal for supper, and bring it with you down to Avalon's cell where you would both eat together. Along with two waterskins, one for each of you. You both would spend time talking, sharing stories or various thoughts and dreams.

You had noted that Avalon only had his clothes, so you brought him a blanket and a pillow, he refused anything else. He noticed how you seemed to have a difficult time when you were feeling ill and presented a small rot that had grown in the rocks, telling you to use it for a tea and it would cure the sickness and it did.

The two of you would share many a nights talking, until the night you had brought a small storybook with you and saw Avalon light up like never before. After that it had become tradition for you to bring him two books each week. One for him to read to you when you were there, one for him to read when you were away.

Avalon had proven to be quite a gentle, soft-spoken, and kind man. You could never imagine why he had been locked away. The night you asked he confessed that he wasn't certain either, he couldn't think of doing anything warranting such treatment nor could he remember how long it had been.

So you had dropped it.

And all was peaceful. Almost pleasant.

Until it wasn't.

The evening was like any other, you had began to make your way through the catacombs, almost able to make the trip blind at this point. Your hesitation came from hearing a commotion from Avalon's cell room as well as bright lights of multiple torches lighting the hall. You hurried closer, growing anxious as you saw multiple guards standing watch, noting how they immediately moved to let you pass.

Avalon's cell was opened, and the King had dragged him out by the metal collar around his throat, connecting chain rattling as the king snatched Avalon up to his knees by the collar.

Avalon let out a sharp wheeze, yet remained limp, refusing to do anything but allow whatever to happen. The very sight made you want to do something.

"Ah, caretaker." The King spoke with a delighted tone. "I was wondering where you had been," The King guestured his free hand out, holding a heavy looking mallet in said hand, one covered at the end in blood. Avalon's blood by the looks of it.

You bowed slowly, not wishing to risk the rage of a King in such a state. "My king. To what do I owe the pleasure?"

The King grinned, dropping Avalon's chain and grabbing a fistful of his hair, jerking his head back in one fluid motion and allowing you to see the bruising and blood along his face and neck. "I was just coming to see your work, you were told to keep this one," shaking Avalon's head slightly, he continued, "in a living state and I see you have!"

Avalon wheezed before stilling once more, remaining limp as a small pool of blood began to form beneath him. How many injuries did he have that you couldn't see?

The kings voice was overly sweet, "almost too well I might add. We wish him to live not to thrive." His tone turned accusatory. "This?" His voice grew as he shoved Avalon to the ground, the far bigger man falling to his side, gasping as he hit the cold hard rock floor. "This thing is not a friend, not a companion. It is a prisoner by the decree of this kingdom's crown." The King slowly stalked closer, barley contained rage making itself known as he continued. "You were asked to keep it alive. How have you chosen to do so?" He asked staring at your arms that contained the usual meal and drink

Ah. An evaluation then. You were quick to respond, looking the King in the eye and speaking as respectfully as you could manage. "I have decided to feed and water him once a week as that seems to keep him stable enough. If the nights are too cold I bring him a blanket and take it back once it warms up. I am uncertain of his limits and don't wish to push lest he freeze or starve." Your tone sounded as uncaring as you could manage, the King wished you to make Avalon suffer, you would make him believe that you had like everyone before you.

Out of the corner of your eye, you noted Avalon watching the King from his spot on the ground, one of the many guards holding a sword to his throat to ensure that he wouldn't rise up.

Your focus returned to the man in front of you who stared intently, before tapping against the bowl of hot stew, one of Avalon's favorites.

"Then why feed a prisoner as you would a friend?"

You were quick to reply as confidently as possible, "The food given to me to feed the prisoner was foul enough that I refused to lay my hands upon it. For my own convenience I simply make what I enjoy and use a portion to feed him. Less work, less mess."

The King before you considered your answer before gently taking the bowl from your hands, "I will ensure he receives his meal tonight," he finally broke eye contact as he turned and walked once more towards Avalon. Dropping the bowl carelessly as he raised his mallet high and swung down hard against Avalon's side, the cracking wet noise paired with Avalon's sudden muffled scream made you flinch.

"It would be wise of you to take your leave now and return home, caretaker."

Avalon wheezed raggedly, looking to you with a pained expression before looking towards the opened door behind you, silently begging you to obey and leave.

You slowly took a step back, ducking your head down and rushing out, trying to find the strength to leave while hearing the King continue his display of mad aggression.

Rushing back to your home you locked the door to the catacombs. Uncertain of what to do, all you could do was wait. Wait and watch the bridge to the castle where the King would have to travel to return home.

You sat by the window until long after dark before you finally saw the torches of the King and his guards leave, waiting just a while longer to be certain.

Once you were positive that they had left for good you grabbed anything you knew would help and headed straight for Avalon's cell.

The sight that laid before you almost left you in tears, Avalon had been locked back in his cell, collared and chained to the bolt in the floor once again as he laid in a bloodied heap upon the ground. The bloody trail from where he had been dragged slowly fading to a dark brown.

You moved silently, doing the one thing you never had before and unlocking the cell door.

Avalon's breath froze, he was listening.

"Avalon?" Moving to sit next to the giant man you set down your supplies, wanting him to know what you were going to do so you didn't surprise him. Not after what you had seen done to him. "I'm going to clean you up if that's alright?"

No response other than his breathing settling once again.

You reached a hand to place it along his back, hesitating. You had never touched him before, he wouldn't hurt you, you knew that. He would have already if it was his intention. Taking a breath you settled your hand between his shoulder blades, eyes tearing up as you felt the warm blood beneith his clothes.

Avalon shifted slowly, with your help the two of you managed to place him upon his blanket against the wall.

As soon as he was settled you realized just what position you were in. Kneeling in the floor next to the slumped over giant of a creature you only made it up to his toreso at best, his massive hands able to cover your entire stomach if he tried. This powerful and dangerous prisoner that you were supposed to fear or hate for whatever unknown reason, opened his glowing eyes and looked at you with such relief and fatigue that any fear left in that moment.

You leaned closer and reached a hand out slowly, not wanting to startle your companion.

Avalon watched closely, eyes growing hopeful as your hand almost reached his cheek.

The moment your hand settled against his cheek, softly stroking the skin and offering comfort he hadn't felt for ages.

"I'm sorry, Avalon."

He stared at you, your voice so sweet in his ears, your warmth easily pushing past all of the cold and the pain he felt in that moment, your care. He couldn't stop himself from leaning into your hand, raising his own to keep yours in place as he closed his eyes and choked back a sob.

Your own tears were quick to follow as you moved closer, moving to hold his face in both of your hands, you let him keep you in place. You startled for only a moment as his free hand wrapped around you, slowly pulling you into his embrace as he cried, desperate for any comfort you were willing to allow.

The soft silent cries were muffled into your shoulder as Avalon held you close, encasing you in his arms. His grip was gentle, yet firm and unwilling to let go. You couldn't care in the slightest as you attempted to comfort the creature that had grown to such great importance to you.

You remained there for the rest of the night, staying in his grip for hours until he finally released you to allow you to patch him up as best you could.

Avalon was grateful for every moment you allowed him, often saying so when he could find the strength to speak.

It felt wrong leaving him in his state. You spent your days afterwards by his side, helping feed him and replacing any bandages that might need fixing, staying by his side in his cell as he slept. You realized quickly that he slept best with you somehow touching him, be it his head in your lap, your hand in his, or simply pressed into your side as close as he could get.

As the days passed and his strength returned, his wounds closed at remarkable speeds. His ever gentle personality grew as well, into something more affectionate, dependant.

One calm evening you sat in his cell with him laying next to you, arms wrapped around your hips as his head laid in your lap. Breathing slowly and easily as compared to the broken breaths from before.

Placing the book down next to you, you looked to the side of Avalon's face, brushing his hair away so you could see him better. "You shouldn't be here." You decided.

Avalon's eyes opened slowly as he shifted to look up to you. "You think so?"

"No one even knows what you've done to be locked up." You watched as he leaned into the hand you'd placed against his cheek, a now common gesture.

"And yet I am and forever will be. They wait for me to die, refusing to try and kill me, unknowing that I never will." He spoke quietly, causing you to pause.

"You never told me that," Shifting slightly and settling once more you moved his face to look at yours. "Avalon why won't you die? What could you possibly gain from living this way."

He sighed softly, looking to you with such an openness. "Before, I would have told you that it is the nature of my kind."

"And now?"

He smiled softly, reaching a hand up to the one you had on his cheek and nuzzling into it happily. "Because you are here. I refuse to leave your side."

The threat of the royal family weighed heavily upon your mind. Avalon deserved better than this, he always had and now you were beyond certain. But how could you obtain such a thing for him?

"What happens when I'm gone, then?"

The creature sat up, turning to you in confusion and something you hadn't seen in his eyes before. "Why would you not return? You have a cabin, food, coin, all you need do Is keep me and avoid the king whenever he feels the need to lash out against myself."

Looking up to the creature that towered over you had lost any semblance of intimidation long ago, thankfully. "If they find us like this? If they see how I care for you and how you care for me they very well might execute me seeing how the king acted thinking I fed you a decent meal only once a week."

You hardly finished your sentence before Avalon's green eyes glowed with an unnatural fire, he snarled and let out a menacing growl, showing off a pair of fangs you'd only caught glimpses of before. "I will sooner burn this entire damned kingdom to ash and rubble than allow them to lay a hand upon you." He declared, his voice echoing in multiple layers at once in the most threatening and terrifying you had ever heard from him. The fire in his eyes gave you just a glimpse to the danger this creature could have been at one point.

"Avalon?" You called gently. Watching as he quieted and looked to you like a lost puppy.

He sighed and reached out to you, holding you close once more as he sat against the wall of his cell. Avalon closed his eyes and nuzzled against the top of your head, focusing on your warmth, your scent, the way you fit in his arms. He wouldn't lose this, he refused to lose you.

If he could get you to agree...

"Why don't we leave then?" He questioned hesitantly, "We can just leave, the two of us. We can find somewhere safe and I can care for you as you have me." He looked to you as he felt you shifting.

"You would want to stay with me after gaining your freedom? I'm not expecting that of you-"

He silenced you gently, "I have already told you that I will remain by your side. Even before I was here I remember people being scared of me or hating me if not both." Avalon rumbled happily as he looked to you once more, "never you."

Happily you leaned against him, soaking in the affection he so happily gave and received. "It would have to be at night. I would need to collect a bag of supplies and we would need clothes for you that blend in with crowds."

Avalon let out a breath of relief that you were willing. If it wasn't safe for you here he would need to get you away from this place, all the better you agreed.

It took another week of planning, between strict patrol of the castle walls left so little opportunities to leave unseen. After watching the patrol schedules you had found the best path, at the time just before the sun rises.

That night your bag had been packed and brought down to Avalon's cell. He encouraged you to rest before the journey, promising to wake you when he felt the time was close.

Sleep was nonexistent however you could take bittersweet solaces in being in Avalon's arms as the night passed. Trying to not think that it was the last you'd be able to rest peacefully with him.

When it finally was time you could only wish you were as certain as Avalon. You could tell that he definitely had a greater advantage than when you'd first met him. No longer skin and bone the massive man had filled out and looked healthy and strong, as well as determined. Stark contrast to the once lifeless walking corpse you had cared for.

Avalon held you close one final time before releasing you and letting you grab for your pickaxe. The old thing had to be put to use to get his chains off as the magic in them would shock him should he ever grab them with his own hands.

Had that same magic not been embedded in the metal he could have also warned you of his nature, his capabilities as soon as the damned collar would come off. Could he have, he would have told you what he was from the beginning. Though, you had to be quick, no time to explain until after.

The pickaxe was loud and someone might hear it, you would break his chains and the both of you would leave, finding the path and escaping into the deep woods. There he could take the collar off once the chains were disconnected and transform into his true draconic form. Once he could do that he could easily protect and care for you as he found somewhere safe for the both of you to settle happily for the rest of your lives. If only he could tell you his piece in the plan instead of probably giving you a heart attack when the time comes.

As you walked over, pickaxe in hand he braced himself for the sound.

With your arms raised, you slammed it down upon the chain bolt. The metal ringing out in protest and startling you with just how loud it was. With no time to waste you struck it again, flinching with how the room rumbled as though arguing with your actions.

"Once more." Avalon suggested worriedly.

Once more.

With the final swing the chain broke at the bolt, disconnecting the metals and freeing Avalon from being forced into one place.

You both stared at the broken chain in disbelief for a moment before looking to each other with hope. Avalon stood tall and moved to follow you as swiftly as he could through the catacombs.

He would let out little noises of excitement or disbelief every few minutes, the reality of the scenario sinking in.

As you made it to the entrance to the catacombs you had him wait, poking your head out and noting the distant shouting and torchlight moving your way. Fear struck your heart then, "we need to move quickly."

Avalon happily moved out of the doorway and stepped into the soft grass with the joy of a child, wanting to embrace the moment for all it's worth before hearing your heart speed up in fear. Instantly he had regained his composure and noted the guards approaching. Avalon took your hand in his and began moving quickly through the brush and trees. Trying to focus on getting you somewhere safe, not the utter joy of seeing the outside world for the first time in how many hundreds of years.

You were far more worried than he was, however. Listening for every tiny noise while trying to escort someone of his size away from any noise or light. The break in the castle walls weren't far, if you could get through that and to the edge of town you were free.

As the wall came into view you bit back a smile, truly believing it was going so well, it would work, you could leave the kingdom and it's mysterious disappearances and secrets and leave it all.

With Avalon by your side, you could leave you would both be free- the sharp pain that struck your leg forced you to cry out and stumble. Only being caught by Avalon as his expression shifted from worried to murderous.

The arrow in your leg was the same crafting as the royal guard's.

"You thought you would go unnoticed?!" The King appeared above you both, standing atop the castle wall, sword drawn and smiling far too wide. "Did you not think that there were guards that took note of how long and how often you'd go to the catacombs? That we would just ignore how worried for a mindless beast you seemed the night you found it in such a state at my hands!?" The King's voice boomed, not that you could pay it much attention, the arrow lodged in your leg was your main focus, whimpering and tearing up you couldn't walk much less run in this state.

You attempted to speak, to tell Avalon to leave. They would certainly kill him now. However, when you looked to him, when you saw his expression, the murderous rage in his eyes as he glared the king down from his position in the dirt beside you. You couldn't find the words.

The King could, however, "and you, beast!" He shouted, pointing a sword towards Avalon. Speaking confidently as a swarm of soldiers surrounded you and your companion, arrows and swords ready. "You truly thought you'd be allowed to leave? The first king who dominated this land and seized the fearsome dragon who owned it all?"

Avalon turned back to you with a great sorrow in his eyes, "I will get you out of here, I will bring us someplace safe." He swore quietly, ignoring the King's shouting. Focusing on trying to comfort you. It was only as the soldiers stepped closer did he snap to attention. Raising a hand to his metal collar, the final magical enchantment connected to him.

"The Kings before you were as cowardly as you. I lived here before this kingdom had formed and aided in it's creation as a friend of the King. He feared my power, and betrayed me. I had done nothing to deserve what your family has done to me. My companion has done nothing to deserve what you have done to them." Avalon tore at the metal, sparks of bright magic flying from the metal as well as his throat as he began to pry it open with an enraged shout.

The King looked horrified, raising his sword as he shouted to his army, "ATTACK!"

Avalon tore the collar off, in the same moment shouting in anger that turned into a thunderous roar from the changing and growing black scaled dragon.

As soon as you closed your eyes and braced yourself for the incoming soldiers, you were lifted up quickly into the sky, Avalon held you tightly in his claws while lifting himself off the ground with his mighty wings, flying far enough that you were both out of range before he took a deep breath.

Pressed to his scaled chest you could feel the immense heat of the dragons core growing as though it were made of-

Avalon opened his maw and a torrent of green flames fell towards the king and his soldiers.

You closed your eyes and tried to cover your ears from the sounds of the army of humans being burned alive.

As quickly as it began, it was over once more. Avalon breathed heavily, lifting himself higher in the sky and swooping down somewhat to take off with speed, flying high and fast away from the kingdom that had imprisoned him for so long, with you in his claws still.

With so much excitement and nothing making any sense you simply kept your eyes closed and allowed yourself to slip into unconsciousness.

It was a dull pain in your leg that you registered first upon awakening. Secondly it was the massive dragon form that had encircled you. Avalon was fast asleep, curled so tightly around you with such a massive form that even laying down his body was almost as tall as the trees you had seen grow.

Your senses returned to you swiftly as you tried to get up and move, only to let out a pained whine as your leg gave out, before you could hit the ground however, Avalon's clawed paw was underneath you. He had caught you and was now awake. The draconic maw inches from you as he leaned close to look you over.

"Gentle now, it will hurt worse if you move too much too quickly." His voice rumbled, similar yet far deeper and rough.

You whimpered slightly, attempting to calm yourself as the memories came back to you at once.

Avalon seemed to catch on rather quickly, "oh, it's alright little love, I swear." He cooed softly as he could in such a form. Slowly he dragged the paw that held you closer to his form, moving his maw so he could look at you once again and gently as ever nuzzle against you, careful to avoid your leg.

You caught your breath, letting your heart settle as you began to rationalize. It was just Avalon. He saved you he saved both of you. He was a big dragon apparently but he would have hurt you already if he meant to.

"Where... Are we?" You managed. Looking around to notice the plush bedding you had been laying on, seeing glints of something shining brightly in massive piles beyond the dragons form.

Avalon sighed happily, "my old cave. My home before I was imprisoned. Apparently none had found it in my absence and my hoard remained." He sat up slowly, keeping you close to his chest as he showed you the extensive collection of golden items and precious jewels and treasures that littered the cave.

You felt your heart freeze. With everything sinking in you tried to focus on your thoughts as you felt Avalon press his maw to your side once more.

"You're a dragon."

Said dragon rumbled contently, "I am."

You pressed a hand over the sore spot on your leg, trying to distract from how it felt. "You didn't say anything about this because?"

"The magic in the chains and collar forced me into my human form indefinitely, I had no proof. You would have thought me mad."

He wasn't entirely wrong.

You winced slightly as he began to move, instantly the dragon began to fret once more.

"Oh, forgive me, here. I'll place you back upon your bedding," the massive dragon moved so slowly and carefully it was almost impressive. As soon as you were placed upon the soft blankets once more you settled and watched as he finally stood, able to see the true size of such a creature.

Avalon began wandering through the cavern, digging through piles of treasure methodically.

You were content to watch before closing your eyes and attempting to find the position that eased the dull pain in your now bandaged leg.

It was only a few more minutes before you felt the heat from Avalon's maw radiating inches from your form. Opening your eyes you saw him holding a vial of a deep purple liquid.

Curiously you reach to take it, feeling the cold nature of the liquid through the glass.

"I have made friends that specialize in healing magic and nature. Drink. It will ease the pain until you heal naturally." He spoke quietly, moving to once again curl around your form.

You hesitantly opened the vial, the scent was somewhat sweet and almost fruity.

Noticing your stalling, Avalon leaned his muzzle down to gently tilt your hand as well as the vial closer to your lips. It tasted of a strange fruit with something bitter, an odd combination and not the greatest either. After drinking you made an unpleasant noise, closing the vial and setting it far from you.

Avalon pushed it farther away, agreeing with your response. He settled down however, nudging the blankets surrounding you even closer to ensure you were comfortable and warm.

He did seem rather pleased as the liquid began taking its effect and your discomfort diminished, replaced by a newfound exhaustion.

You yawned loudly, mind feeling foggier with every passing moment. "What will we do now?" You mumbled out, shifting to lay comfortably with Avalon pressing as close as he could to you.

He spoke softly and with such care, "Now you will rest, I will care for you. Later we can decide if you wish to stay here, close to the kingdom that betrayed us both, or if you wish to leave we can simply leave and find somewhere else. I have ways of transporting my hoard if needed be."

You nodded, cuddling into Avalon's muzzle as best you could, feeling him press closer to you in turn.

Avalon cooed softly and watched closely. You were already asleep. You might not notice if he slipped away to finish burning the damned castle to the ground with the rest of the royal family. No doubt they would send hunters and soldiers to find you both. That can't happen yet though, you need time to rest and heal and understand.

He didn't want you to see him act so harshly to keep you safe. He enjoyed you loving him, not fearing him. But if they came, if he didn't protect you-

Avalon growled lowly, eyes glowing green with the promise of death. He would kill every single one of them. One by one until they are all of them a pile of ash.

There was a reason he had been imprisoned, after all.

#dragon x reader #monster x reader #monster boyfriend #terato #dragon #x reader #tw blood #tw mentions of death

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truedarkhunter · 9 hours ago

Text

Ciel, the internal struggle (A Deep Dive)

Ciel can be a hard one to get into the headspace of for writing or creating art at times. With some of the details coming to light of how Our Ciel (O!Ciel) is actually the younger of a set of twins and took the name of his older brother the Real Ciel (R!Ciel) gives more insight into his motivations. (I'm just going to refer to the MC as Ciel and his brother as his older brother to make it easier to read.) Ciel's history is dark, as this is a horror anime/manga, even if it has lighthearted moments. It's heavier than Moriarty, The Patriot and probably closer to DeathNote with the 'I monster I became, lest a monster I become' idea. It certainly has the Shinigami/Grim Reapers along with the investigations. Basically: This is your trigger warning that this post is going to be a bit heavy because this character has been through the wringer. If violence and abuse and s.a. are not something you can handle today, this is not the post for you. Please guard your mental health.

Okay! That said, I will try to be gentle with the subject, but it's not my forte.

Also: expect spoilers. This is a deep dive. If you haven't read or watched Black Butler, you may get too much information. By the same token, this is some very specific character stuff so it just might not make sense if you aren't familiar with the segments referenced. I'm going from early childhood and the conditions of the time period forward to where the manga and anime have covered thus far.) Onward! Ciel was born into an affluent family of privilege as an unhealthy younger son. His brother would have been set to inherit everything. The author, Yana Toboso, really strongly leaned in on the "heir and spare" idea, but seemed to overplay it with the 'why were you even born aspect'. The answer is right in the line heir and SPARE. With the setting, about 2 out of every 5 children died before the age of five in the 1800's as it was a time before vaccines. It is surprising that the family didn't have more children rather than it had two.

So expect that Ciel and his older brother had friends in their circle or heard from adults talking that some of the children they knew passed away before the inciting incident (the moment that started the story arc of the series) began. The Victorian Era is chock-full of examples of death being a regular part of the culture. This is important as it shapes what is 'normal' for Ciel.

Children that made it past the childhood diseases stage usually lived a long time, that would be particularly true of the upper class who had both regular meals, shelter, heat, and adequate clothing. The upper class was also able to have their houses cleaned regularly by staff and their linens bleached which killed off illnesses. (This is part of why 'white bedsheets' and 'white linens' are popular during this period and into the early 1900's. Dyed cloth would be ruined by bleach so such items were just kept white. White showed any stain, so having everything perfectly white meant they were either frequently replaced or scrupulously maintained. The wearing of white gloves meant you didn't get your hands dirty or could afford to replace/strongly clean them on the regular. (That or you were very, very cautious.) White was associated with purity which was associated with godliness. Those aspects show up in the series as well.

From the very title "Black Butler" to the red dress Ciel pulls out to adorn his aunt in, to the lilies Undertaker is seen with meaning "innocent" it's woven into the story. Ciel is also used to strong color in clothing. It was fashionable to change outfits at different times of the day. This showed off your wealth, as well as adjusted for changes in temperature/social situations. True blues, bright reds, and such were difficult to get, and so were very costly. Many dyes were not color-fast and used dangerous reagents to to make them.

That mourning black that you were expected to wear? You called out a tailor to your home and had the family sized for it and didn't go outside until you had the mourning clothing. What was in it? Arsenic. People who had that against their skin and sweated or got it wet could get arsenic poisoning and perish themselves! That saying "Don't cry your eyes out"? If someone mourned too heavily and got their veil wet could go blind from it! So changing clothing to avoid the dyes tainting your skin was also a good idea. Ciel likely had an occasion or two where playing around puddles got him and his brother in trouble because the dyes got on their skin and would take days to get back to normal. Likewise, some of the harsh chemicals, including the bleach, may have aggravated the main character's asthma. Those periodic episodes may have come right after the linens returned and were still strongly scented of the bleach used to clean them. Alternatively, the rainy/damp weather may have drawn out the arsenic in the Scheele's Green wallpaper at some of the homes they visited (made with arsenic again!).

This wallpaper and the stench of the waste dumped in the street and into the River Thames is why "The Season" existed. It came to be noticed that people felt ill when they were indoors (around the arsenic wallpaper) and did better outside in the (relatively) fresh air. So it became common to go out to the country during the warmer months for healthful constitutionals. It also got people away from the stench of the city. (Look up The Great Stink of 1858 in England. Ciel's parents would have experienced it.) Between that and the recommendation of the doctors of the time, Rachel and Vincent would have taken to bringing the children out to the country more.

Quite possibly, his parents originally lived in London more and then went to their mansion estate to stay after their children were born because of Ciel's health problems. Even so, his parents still entertained, as seen during the Noah's Ark Circus/Book of Circus arc. Vincent was still keeping his eye on the underworld for Queen Victoria. As such, he had more than social obligation, but a required need to interact frequently with the people in society in order to feel them out to determine which rumors were true and which were false.

To that end, we can expect that Ciel's father was eloquent and charming. We see him being a tender father and a dedicated, caring husband. He also had a flip side that had to handle taking out the threats to the Queen and he couldn't be squeamish about it. Because of that, the hunting trips with his sister were likely important to him. He could dress a deer or hide a body. Hunting as a sport was a great way to arrange an 'accident'. His sister, who is as good with a gun as a sword, shows an uptight demeanor around Ciel. Some of that is likely that she always worried about her brother and now worries about Ciel. Hence her wanting them to be perfect in both appearance and action. The job of the Queen's Guard Dog allowed no room for error. She may also harbor suspicions of Ciel's actual identity, hence the "fix your hair"! The ill younger brother may not have had to be meticulously groomed all the time, but the elder likely did. Moreover, having a slovenly appearance could lead to rumors of him being an imposter or just unfit for the role and he can't afford that. Rumors could kill.

The boys had undeniably heard about their family line holding this important position. There would be gentle explanations and some success stories or funny ones, then the untold part of why their grandparents were no longer around when other kids still had theirs. Ciel had some idea beforehand of what this life was like, but not the reality of it.

One of the holdovers from his grandparents time is the Undertaker. He was a friend to his grandmother Cloudia, and since she married the Queen's Guard Dog, he likely used his ability to read the records of the dead to aid them...although he then found tangible things like notes in pockets or inquiring in town to the right people. That he knew where to look for that piece of paper or which people to talk to would be considered a "knack". The brothers would also have known the members of Dad's secret club, the Aristocrats of Evil (or Villainous Nobles) as little gets past the eyes of children.

He had his circle of informants that he relied upon, as that was exactly who they were. The current iteration has Chlaus, Diedrich, Undertaker, Lau, Angelina Dalles (his aunt, deceased), Azzuro Vanel (deceased), Pitt, an Unidentified woman, and Unidentified man with a scarred left eye. (See: Kuroshitsuji fandom wiki, Aristocrats of Evil)

Chlaus, Diedrich, Lau, and Azzuro handled external/international threats. Lau and Azzuro are particularly about Chinese and Italian Mafia and the drugs and other contraband such groups were trying to bring into England. Undertaker was the only place to get aid with funerals and a little with medical advice and surgeries (I suspect). He handled news from the less affluent quarters and listened in the corners at funerals as they were big events and people talked. The truth could come out of what a person was really like and these occasions were as important as weddings for networking. Knowing who was arranging meetings with whom could prove important later.

He also had insight into supernatural goings on, however he may or may not have relayed it. Angelina Dalles, aka Madame Red, ran in the social circles of the aristocrats and heard all the latest gossip. Those leads, and her information from being a medical practitioner could allow the Queen's Guard Dog to know who was up to what and then have the medical reports to back up claims if someone got injured suspiciously. Pitt is a paparazzi before that title got popular. People love sensational stories and he would get them or pictures for the paper who ran them. Unlike Diedrich, Undertaker, or Angelina, he has no deeper ties of loyalty to the family and is purely there for the money.

This circle is whom Ciel inherits and it almost immediately begins breaking down. The loyalty to his father did not simply translate to him in all cases. Life also moved on and people change. Hence the attempted kidnapping by Azzuro and the discovery of Madame Red's dark activities on the side. Some are overly attached, such as Undertaker, and the tale is taking some wild turns because of it. That there are multiple supernatural beings having a hand in his life (Undertaker, Sebastian, Grelle), some arcs do not resolve naturally (such as the potential redemption of his aunt at the end of the Red Reaper arc) while his continued existence is itself due to supernatural intervention (the butler).

This causes him to rely more and more on his butler, which is exactly how Sebastian desires it. It is also why when Soma and Agni appear on the scene it is such a consternation for his butler. Soma claims friendship, regardless of how Ciel tries to distance himself, and has the social status to ignore Ciel's attitudes. Likewise, Agni shows himself not only a potent peer to Sebastian, but skilled at organizing others so that their talents shine. (The servants competently preparing things in the kitchen together in the anime under Agni's supervision in contrast to their incompetence being resolved solely by Sebastian in the first episode and at the picnic later with Lizzy.) The selfishness of the demon and his pride made him want to show off his skills and talents. Growing the skills of the others doesn't come naturally to him, nor is it desirable as it would diminish the young master's reliance upon him. That shock is very real and a moment of growth in the butler, but goes a little under the radar for Ciel. The young master was likely just grateful things were quiet for an afternoon among his servants.

Ciel not only needed to step into his brother's shoes, he had to start handling the accounts for the estate. Which begs the question:

Why Ciel?

(Informational) He may have overheard the kidnappers describing the requirements for making a pact with a demon if one showed up. If he somehow had the presence of mind, he may have given the false name to the demon in hopes of getting out of the pact later if he decided he didn't like what was going to happen.

(Coldly Rational) He may have known that there would be other claimants for his family's position and he could lose his position and possibly fall into the hands of the person who betrayed them if he came back as his true named self. As Ciel, even being young, he would be the strongest claimant for the position and it would allow him to investigate who did this to his family.

(Romantic Notion) He could have taken it simply to keep some part of his beloved twin alive. It would be the only memorial he could have for him. This was a difficult thing for him to pull off even as close as he was as it seems his brother was more extroverted and probably tougher and sassier. It's one thing to look like his brother; it's another to consistently pass as his brother. Hence how Lizzy felt so horrible that she had missed it or glossed over the signs once the older brother made his appearance. Falling ill from his asthma would have been a dead giveaway to those closest to him, hence he didn't disclose it even to his butler. Yet his life and plan relied upon it.

Another part of Ciel's life now revolved around social interaction. He not only had to do the books, but he had to tour the lands and talk to the people who worked it for him and provided his living. This is something his brother would have been getting introduced to, but he may not have. In the anime, the butler helps facilitate it just as he handled it up until that point. Having Sebastian provide the names and backgrounds before they arrived and appraising Ciel of what their needs were would help Ciel to ingratiate himself in his father's place. That he actually addresses their concerns and insures things run smoothly at that level even if it costs him some of his funds, solidified the worker's support.

I suppose we must now address what happened that launched the Black Butler story. While the boys would have been sheltered, the trips to their other holdings would have exposed them to some of what life was like in the rest of England and particularly London.

They would see people being homeless in the street, hear about the long hours for the working class where their bosses wouldn't let them have rest breaks off their feet, causing them to have health issues. People losing body parts from industrial accidents, getting illnesses that weren't treatable or were given quack treatments, these were all common in his world. They'd hear some of it from their aunt interspersed with boring gossip as well as their friends and family's attitudes towards the other classes. There were the realities in the world he and his brother were getting introduced to as they reached double digits and were starting to get taken around to learn how to govern their lands.

Somewhere amongst those friends and relatives was someone who planned to overthrow their father. The manga has a meeting between Vincent and Diedrich where the twins are present where it seems like Vincent may have an inkling that something risky is coming up. That or they just finished something that made Vincent concerned for the future as he asks Diedrich to give his allegiance and support to his son should something happen to him. Likewise, the anime showed that Vincent knew his fate was coming to meet him and he couldn't avoid it. However, he didn't expect for his children to be caught up in it, nor likely his wife. Speculation: It may be that when the Queen's Guard Dog becomes too well-known, they aren't as effective. Alternatively, there may be a set term limit to insure there is no question of loyalty from corruption or bribery. That would allow he family to continue to pass down the responsibility each generation, yet explain why they wind up having shortened lifespans. (Not that the job is oh-so-safe in the first place!)

There is evidence that the older brother knew the people who did it and was likely duped into letting them into the house or giving up information that would allow them to infiltrate. It is unlikely that he was actively attempting to take over. Given his age and skill level, he wouldn't be ready to take over for his father. It could be a Lion King sort of moment, as Yana has drawn from Hamlet for this tale as well, but if so then it would have been to convince the heir that they would like to be the Earl sooner. Wouldn't it be fun?

It would be interesting if one of the people involved planned to manipulate the heir, while those under him had a different idea since they suffered under the Watch Dog and figured getting rid of the family entirely and selling off the kids would be more effective. Either way, our Ciel knows that his brother knew something about their attackers.

They were sold in the underground, quite likely by the Viscount of Druitt himself or an underling. It appeared to be a very upper-class group involved. The images showed rather well-dressed people and Undertaker was caught off-guard by event and had trouble retrieving the twins during that month. Upper class in this case may also involve angels, which would truncate Undertaker's ability to act which may be why he didn't get the older brother back until he had passed. Alternatively, he only got it back when the crime scene was discovered and so had whatever hours the child had been dead to deal with in reanimating him. Yet if the site was burned, it implies he was nearby and able to swoop in as soon as it fell into the grey area that Grim Reapers operate in. Whether or not we will get to see angels has yet to be determined in the manga although the first season of the anime had them. While much of the anime is not cannon, Yana clearly had themes she relayed that she is running with. It would feel a bit incomplete to have the black and the grey without the white for this canvas. What we do have is a play on the spiritual movement and esoteric fascination of the time.

France was profiting on this by selling books said to be "meant for church use" in the introduction which allowed them to hock ones listing supposed demons. Many of them were barely altered names of gods among other things. Such books were considered restricted items normally just as sexually explicit pieces were. Hence the use of the 'for church use' tag to slip it past the censors. These were displayed in secretive collections as Victorians wanted to be 'in the know'. (So just because a source is old doesn't mean it's reputable. People trying to scam others have always existed.) However, this means people were attempting to discover the secrets beyond the Veil. The bored rich had the time and resources to try and summon the demons listed.

One particularly decadent group in the Black Butler setting turned to performing the most perverse rites, harming children bought through Druitt or some other seller. To these people the twin Phantomhive children went. The group spent a month turning them from pure and innocent into terribly shocked, ill, abused children all to try to summon a demon. At the end, they sacrificed one of the pair and it worked. Unbeknownst to them, a sacrifice had to be something that had meaning and closeness to you. Hence the demon went to Ciel. His brother's soul acted as the price for passage. He also had the strongest emotions and desire in the place, a desire for revenge.

During it all, the pair relied on each other for strength and purpose. They kept swallowing their father's signet ring and digging through the dung later to retrieve it and swallow it again so that it wouldn't be taken from them and they could prove whom they were once they escaped. That support is likely what kept them from breaking utterly as with the other children. It was clear they weren't given enough food, and were force fed to keep them alive, and their fine clothes were worn down to or replaced with rags. They were getting close to passing from the neglect. That was when the group pulled one of them from the cage at random. They didn't know they took the eldest, and that was important for the younger brother in order to assume the eldest's identity. With the loss of his brother, Ciel's anger outweighed his despair in that moment and brought the demon to his side. He had nothing left to lose in his mind, so he made the pact. Then his first order was to kill all those present and to burn the place to the ground.

While this would seem to make sense, who wouldn't want to destroy everything after such an event? It also feeds into his mindset after all he went through. Ciel wants oblivion. Had it been him on the altar, he probably would have felt relief and just given up. However, with duty pressed so hard on him and the loss of his brother, he felt compelled to live through the moment. However, once he has satisfied his need to know who did this to his family and exact his revenge, he wants not to die, but to no longer be. Oblivion.

In the first season anime, he showed that he intended to keep his part of the Faustian pact. Interestingly, while he didn't want to continue, he asked that Sebastian not make an effort to be gentle as he wanted the pain of it to be engraven upon his soul as proof that he had a life that was worth living. In that iteration, the butler simply replied, "Indeed, my young lord."

With all he had been through, Ciel would not believe himself able to come back from that damage. There is evidence of this. We get to see him suffering nightmares for months on end as the butler stays by his side and protects him. Likewise, when he faces other children being put through what he faced in a recreation of the rite, he has the butler burn the place down just as he did before. He intimates that no one that has gone through such things is really there anymore. Since he doesn't ask the other children if they want to live, he is answering based on his own experience and mindset - they are walking dead to him. Because of how he treats them, you can see how he feels about himself. He's going through the motions, but he feels he's already dead inside but for duty and revenge.

Given how little mental health care existed at the time, there isn't much reason or chance for him to recover. The Queen certainly has him hopping right away and the breakneck pace of a case every two weeks to a month doesn't allow Ciel much time to sort himself.

One of the best aids for his mindset is the presence of Lizzy. Because she is a callback to the good days of his childhood, and because of his responsibility to her as a fiancé in place of his brother, he pulls upon older memories and reactions. While dusty, they are still there. He indulges her, partially to hide whom he really is, and partially as he knows he can never fulfill her dream and be her husband. It is unlikely that he can view he games of man and maid in any wholesome light after all he had been through. For this reason, I cannot see Ciel honestly being paired with anyone.

It could be he could grow over time and find some form of happiness. Yana drew a 'what if' piece for Ciel if he had stayed on at the circus with Doll. So that if the conditions were right, he might find some level of safety and comfort could have maybe been possible, but given this is a horror anime with a Faustian pact, it isn't meant to be. Moreover, since he is fully aware of his deal, Ciel knows he must stick to his bargain or forfeit his life early. He doesn't dare express too much affection, even if he feels some amount of it, lest he trigger some nullification clause that takes him out before his revenge is complete. We see this in the Green/Emerald Witch arc where Ciel has to recover from his brush with a a dangerous chemical and winds up being too afraid for a while to continue his hunt. At that point, Sebastian goes in to eat him and gets rebuffed. When Ciel asks if he were actually going to do it, Sebastian replies he was only 90% serious. So yes, Ciel has parameters set to continue to have the services of his butler. That also means he can't necessarily take time to heal.

In the anime, Sebastian describes the experiences and emotions Ciel has gone through as a sort of seasoning to his soul. Since he wants his master to be at some desired flavor combinations of emotions, it is unlikely that he would tolerate changes that would undo something the demon considered beneficial towards his later repast.

That is another reason it can be hard to get into Ciel's head as some of what he does is driven by the butler's requirements rather than his own. Ciel does state what he wants to achieve. What he has to go through to get it is not necessarily what Ciel bargained for, somewhat literally.

Another side of Ciel is the further loss of people close to him. Those who should have been on his side, protecting him, became mortal enemies. This was especially true of his own aunt, Angelina Dalles. As I mentioned above, she appeared to be about to repent and possibly reconcile with Ciel when her life was ended by the Grim Reaper/Shinigami she had befriended and run with. Seeing her true motivations and thoughts in her cinematic record, Grelle Sutcliff declared her "unworthy of the color red" and claimed her jacket.

Now it could be that the shock of the events cause Ciel to forget meeting the Grim Reaper, or it could be that once away from such supernatural beings, the events tend to grow fuzzy and slip out of mind. People don't tend to handle such well. Add in the other things Ciel has been through and it isn't surprising that he might throw it all in a box in the back of the attic of his mind and label it as "do not open".

At his aunt's funeral, Ciel went against all custom at the time and ignored the idea that dressing her in white. Dressing someone in white was to prepare them for their arrival in Heaven. Instead he says she always looked best in flaming red and presents her with her own red dress. Whether this is a desire to throw away the pretense and embrace the person she really was or a revelation of her sinful nature and death at her funeral is up to debate. He didn't accuse her for he doesn't see himself as better than her. His hands are just as covered in blood. However, he chose to honor her passing as a family member that he once cared for and shed tears for her although Lizzy shed more for both of them. That loss left Ciel a little colder, more isolated, and more cynical than before.

Certainly it is easier for Ciel to escape dealing with his traumas by keeping busy and moving forward towards his ultimate goal. Yet that feels a little false. People can't run from their experiences forever. When they get overtired or overtaxed those things will come out. Likewise, trauma revisits when people do start to heal. The brain says "you're in a better place, let's process things!" So in some sense, the Green Witch arc forced him to process some of the horrors he's seen before facing more. Likewise, his trust in his other servants, particularly Finny, increases during those trials. Much of Ciel's outlook towards other people is cynical and utterly untrusting. He doesn't believe in goodness anymore or God. If people are being nice, they must be hiding other motives in his book. That's why he thinks he can be transactional with someone like Abberline and can't quite process that maybe there really are people, outside of the ones from his past like Lizzy, that are actually as good as they appear.

With the Campania/Book of the Atlantic arc, Ciel has to face his feelings towards Lizzy. There are hints of him heading towards puberty as he starts feeling more awkward around her, but doesn't know what to do with those emotions. Then he gets to find out how capable she really is and how she can protect him as much as he desired to protect her.

Protective is the primary feeling he has towards Lizzy. She is that last strong link to his past that is positive. For that reason, he's willing to do a great deal to protect her body and her feelings. That doesn't mean he's always good at it or that he's tolerant of all her actions, he's still a young boy just growing into his teens himself, but he tries hard to master his own emotions and find the words needed to be gracious to her when all is said and done. He also knows he can do nothing but let her down ultimately, so he's doing his best to do so gently that she might keep the better memories of him when he's no longer there.

By the Public School arc, Ciel has become better at hiding his true self and being ruthless in his pursuit and smooth with his lies. He learned to paste on a fake smile in the circus and has butted heads with enough adults that he has a good idea of how people work. He's not used to dealing with peers and so underestimates them just as adults underestimate him...with similar results. By the end, he has achieved a level of competence that can carry him towards his final goal.

When we arrive at the Blue Sect arc and beyond, those skills and resolve get challenged as he faces his older brother and is driven from his home and all his resources. This echoes the anime where London is burning and he is forced out and loses access to his butler for a time. His situation and limitations physically are made clear as he can hardly dress himself without help. If the manga keeps going with the theme, Ciel may have to sell off or lose the few things he's held onto such as the family signet ring and the Phantomhive cursed blue ring. This is sort of a call back to the preparation for death. A version of "you can't take it with you" where Ciel must determine what is still important as things disintegrate around him. He can't hold on to relationships nor items, nor is he supposed to. Only he can decide in the end, from a detached point of view, if his life and efforts are worth having lived at all. So we will see how the manga finishes out. This was quite a long and rambling piece that took me all day to complete. Hopefully it will give you, the reader, some insight on Ciel's inner thoughts as well as what shaped him growing up so you can read deeper into his past and story and possibly write him better or a little easier. He's troubled, secretive, and secretly still caring and trying to do what he thinks is right to a degree, while denying that he still holds any such notions dear to his heart anymore. He lies, manipulates, and lies to himself as well, but he still moves forward and embraces his mistakes and learns from them. He has no veil in front of his eyes, and hopes for nothing in his future as he attempts to fulfill a single set of goals/wishes. That's Ciel Phantomhive at this point in time. Whether he is purely mortal, some strange blend of immortal and mortal, or simply a version of Hamlet, he stands in as the wounded character faced with a tragic story that he can't stop, but he can chose how he goes out for that final bow. Let me know if you agree or disagree or see him in a different light.

#black butler #kuroshitsuji #ciel phantomhive

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