#I have an interview in a few hours so this is my way of coping with the anxiety 🤙

[odo-apologist]

[natailiatulls07]

When they lost her

2023 formula one grid & female!driver!reader

Warnings - Death, crying, car crash

Summary - After a horrible accident on track, the other drivers have to learn to cope with the death of someone very dear to all

Part 2

-

Y/n was always a joy to be around, always had a smile on her face, curious about how you are and would never fail to make someone laugh.

Aside from her warm hearted attitude, she was also well known for being a incredible driver. She was a favourite in the motorsport, totally helped flip misogynistic opinions on females in the sport completely.

That morning, Y/n had brought in a selection of homemade baked goods to share amongst the drivers and the staff. A clear example of her good and humble nature. Everyone extremely thankful for the goodies.

Only a few hours before, the driver was seen doing a wholesome interview with the fellow sky sport commentator, Martin Brundle. Each race the pair managed to bump into each other, not that anyone was complaining.

“Martin! Do you want some cookies?” The women ran over to Martin who was flabbergasted by the upbeat attitude radiating from her, even though she had an intense race later that day.

“Oh thank you so much, now Y/n tell me how can you be this happy even though you have a fierce race today?” It was something many fans and viewers were keen to know, jealous of her calmness.

“Well in all honesty Martin, I am absolutely terrified. However, one quote that stuck with me in my 20 years of life is fake it till you make it! So that’s what I do” Y/n’s voice was sincere. She had a habit of speaking rather poetic. “Well I got to deliver the rest of these before all the boring serious stuff begins so bye Martin!”

Waving goodbye to the older man, the girl ran off to find more people to share her delightful treats with.

-

“Radio check please” Y/n’s race engineers voice came through her ear piece, awaiting her reply.

“I’m a Barbie girl in world! Life in plastic, it’s fantastic” Her singing could be heard from the radio, alerting the engineer of her connection.

She sat snug in the sport car, eager to start the race. To left was one of her favourite British man, Lando Norris, racing for McLaren. She raised her hand up waving in his direction, which he happily replicated.

It wasn’t long until the five red lights all lit up individually before flashing off and the cars started down the track.

-

After about 20 laps of the track, it had started to heavily pouring rain. This was something that started to worry the female. Her car had medium tires on after her recent pit stop about two laps ago.

Soon enough the track had grown incredibly slippery, yet she were told to carry on with the race.

Only then did Y/n’s anxiety grow massive. Trying to calm herself down. One second she was in control of the car and then next she felt herself out of control.

Spinning off track, the car had flipped over. The racing car landed on the ground completely flipped over. This had crushed Y/n inside with no way of escaping.

There was a few moments of nothing for her except for a ringing in the ears and no pain. But those moments came and went, and she felt her consciousness slip away. Slipping into darkness.

-

Immediately the other drivers were instructed to return to their garages until they were given the all clear. It was a definite red flag.

Upon hearing about the accident everyone had grown increasingly concerned with the lack of contact on the females part.

It wasn’t long before medics were sent out to Y/n. A curtain was pulled across the car, providing privacy.

“It seem that Y/n’s car as been covered with a curtain, whilst the rest of the drivers have been told to return to their pits” Martins voice was somber, he had his worries for the girl who never failed to brighten up his race weekends.

-

“Lewis, we have a red flag please return”

“Lando, red flag. You need to return to pit”

“Carlos, please return to pit. It’s a red flag”

All the remaining drivers had gotten the news off their engineers. Compliant, everyone made their individual ways to the pits.

“What is going on?! Where’s Y/n?!” Charles had anxiety pumping through his veins, making his way to her pit.

It was fair to say that all the drivers shared the same concerns for the young wholesome driver. She was their little sister, most had seen Y/n grow into the grown women she is today.

-

The medical team had made their way over to the flipped car, starting immediately to try and get the driver to safety.

They had pulled her unconscious body from the car. Laying her down on the ground, rushing to check her pulse.

Checking her neck. Nothing

Checking her wrists. Nothing

They had checked three times and each time receiving no pulse.

…

“No pulse…she’s gone” The solemn voice of a medic could be heard in the garage. By then, all the drivers and engineers were gathered around the main radio, everything fell silent at the short announcement.

Charles felt tears fall down his cheeks, his close friend was gone. To his left, you could see Lando’s face of surprise and sorrow, he had just lost his bestfriend.

That day all the teams joined together to grieve the death of the paddocks little sister. Fans paid their respects to Y/n’s family on social media.

Since that day, the paddock no longer felt the same warmth that she brought even on her harder days, it was something that was lost when they lost her.

-

[bullet-prooflove]

Culpability: John Nolan x Reader

Tagging: @ravennaortiz @anime-weeb-4-life @trublu2u @kmc1989

First Case - For John it's love at first sight.

Cake - John's surprised when you remember his birthday.

Bad Timing - You and John have always had bad timing.

Forget About It - You and John share a heated moment in the breakroom. - Companion piece to Bad Timing

The Deepest Cut - Rosalind forces John to make a confession.

More Than Life It's Self (NSFW) - John reminds you of his feelings for you at a crucial moment.

Scars - John loves you and all your scars.

The day that Detective Robert Oritz is arrested for stealing 250k is the day your entire world falls apart and John Nolan has a front row seat to the whole damn thing. To your credit you stay stoic, jaw clenched and head held high as you’re interviewed by IAB and rumours circulate about your own culpability. He can’t imagine what it must be like for you, finding out the man that you loved was a corrupt cop, having to deal with the scrutiny.

At the end of shift he finds you outside sitting on the bench in the green space smoking a cigarette, lost in your thoughts. He takes the seat alongside you because right now you need a friend and John, he’s willing to be that person for you.

“I didn’t know you were seeing anyone.” He says quietly, tilting his head to study the profile of your features. You seem so closed off right now, unreachable. He wants to take your hand, tell you it’s all going to be ok but he knows you’re a realist, that you don’t want platitudes.

“It was new.” You say finally, tapping the ask off the end of your cigarette. “We’d only been together a couple of months.”

Two months, he thinks. Two months and you didn’t tell him a single thing.

You’ve have had drinks together during that time, caught a bite to eat between shifts. He’d helped you put shelves up last week and he recalls seeing a man’s shirt thrown over the back of one of your kitchen chairs. He’d thought it was one of your brother’s. Sam had been staying with you for a few days after he’d had a fight with his husband, he hadn’t even considered the possibility that you might have a man in your life.

“Was it serious?” He asks you and you sigh as you blow a stream of smoke out from between your lips.

“Getting there.” You respond tightly before you stub out the cigarette on the arm of the bench. “We were meant to be going away this weekend.”

“Oh.” He says softly and the silence sits. “Maybe we could do something instead, there’s a Hitchcock Marathon at the Chinese Theatre, it may be nice to get out of your own head for a while, not have to think about all of this.”

“John…” You say, tucking your hands into the pockets of your jacket. “You don’t want that.”

“Six hours with the ‘Master of Suspense’ and unlimited popcorn?” He says as you meet his gaze. “Trust me, I couldn’t think of a better way to spend a Saturday.”

“That’s not what I’m talking about.” You tell him as you stare at the building in front of you. “Right now there are a lot of questions about me, I think it’s best that you keep your distance for a while, I don’t want you tainted by this.”

“Becca…” He begins but you’re already raising to your feet.

He realises that he’s lost you in that moment, that you’re shutting down because you can’t cope with the heartache that comes with this. You opened yourself up to Ortiz, allowed yourself to be vulnerable and he decimated you. He broke your trust, almost ended your career, John’s not sure if this is something you’ll ever recover from because damage like this…

It’s catastrophic.

“I’ll see you around Officer Nolan.” You say as step away and in that moment John has never hated another person as much as he hates Detective Robert Ortiz.

Love John? Don’t miss any of his stories by joining the taglist here.

Interested in supporting me? Join my Patreon for Bonus Content!

Like My Work? - Why Not Buy Me A Coffee

[morsesnotes]

I found this interview from when Shaun Evans was promoting S3 of Endeavour in 2016 and thought it was one of the more interesting ones as he gets asked some different questions. I particularly liked seeing him talk a bit about his peers and how he views his career.

Shaun Evans talks Endeavour series three, Hollywood and whether he'd star in Doctor Who

As Morse returns, the star of the hit ITV drama reveals what's next for his career By David Brown - Radio Times

Falsely accused Endeavour Morse was last seen languishing in a prison cell after being framed for murder. But fans of the hit ITV drama needn't despair - Shaun Evans is back on the case for a third series beginning this evening. Here, the actor talks about life as the Oxford detective, why Morse has endured for four decades and what the future holds...

So what has brought you back to Endeavour for a third series? I didn't feel like we should have left it where we did last time. It would have been odd. As a viewer, I would have been dissatisfied to have left it there because you'd have only been telling half the story. Luckily enough, we had the opportunity to come back to do some more and I think the stories are really good - particularly the final one. It goes along at a lick. It's a bank heist but it's also a love story. And it's heartbreaking. I think it's great and it ends in a really satisfying way.

The character of Morse has now been around for 40 years - why has he endured? A good story well told will stand the test of time. And if you throw in an unusual character - someone who is in a world but not of that world - then that's intriguing.

The original series of Inspector Morse did episodes in Australia and Italy - would you like to do an overseas Endeavour? Well, they keep telling me that the character is going to Spain. But I can take myself to Malaga. I'm joking, but I'm being honest too. There is a Spanish idea, but I'd want it to be right. I don't want this job to be a jolly or something that we take for granted and phone in. There are so many variables to that kind of thing: would the locations be as good? Or the actors? Granted, it would be a laugh to go away with Roger Allam, but would it serve the show?

Does Endeavour Morse become more like you as the series goes on? I think that’s a danger, definitely. The more comfortable and confident you get with something, the easier it could be to be less diligent about creating a character. But then you’d be taking shortcuts that you might not have done three years ago. So I try not to be complacent about it. I want to be even more diligent than I was when I started. But I admit that it's a tricky one.

Having a two-hour slot for a drama seems like a privilege these days - do you worry that viewers' attention spans could be too short to cope? I don’t worry about it at all. I feel like the work we’ve done so far has been very good. Some have been better than others - as would be the case. But I feel pleased with it. Now if audiences change and they feel that the episodes are too long, boring or complicated, then we’ll just stop. That’s OK. But I've seen some crime dramas that try to tell the story in an hour and, for me, it just doesn't work.You’re tyring to set up a killer, set up a world, solve it in an interesting or dynamic way and put in some character stuff as well. It’s nigh on impossible to do in an hour. I don’t think you can do it in a satisfying way. That’s my impression as an audience member.

Fans would be up in arms if you decided to stop Endeavour! No. I don't think that'd happen. It's just work. And they'd just fill it with something else. There'll be another brilliant show.

I think you'd make an ideal Doctor Who - would you like to play that role one day? I’ve never seen it! I think Matt Smith is a brilliant actor. And David Tennant also. But it just wasn’t my thing growing up and I feel like I’ve missed it now. I was in Moscow a few months ago and someone asked me about Doctor Who. And she thought I'd make a good Master. So if you’re offering me a part, then I’ll play the Master.

What about playing James Bond? Well, everyone wants to play James Bond, right? He always gets the girl at the end. And in the middle. And at the beginning, come to think of it. But I think that Daniel Craig would be a tough act to follow. He brings something really interesting to it.

Do you ever look at contemporaries like Benedict Cumberbatch and Eddie Redmayne and think, 'I'd like top billing in a Hollywood movie'? I know both those lads and I like them. But I never really think of my career like that. Of course, you want people to see your work, but I'm not interested in being the next so-and-so. It doesn't attract me. Mainly because it's short lived. It's better to keep working and do interesting stuff.

So being a big Hollywood star isn't all it's cracked up to be? I don't know. I suppose if you had enough clout to guarantee finance for a story you wanted to tell, then that would be a good thing. From a business point of view. But I don't spend my time being envious. There are so many variables in all that bollocks! When you desire fame or fortune - which are ephemeral things - you're building your house on sand, aren't you?

Do you have a dream project that you'd like to do? I'd love to do something about poets or photographers who have done interesting things and left an impression on their portion of the world. Someone like the American photographer Walker Evans. Or the French poet Arthur Rimbaud. 

So what's next for you? I'm purposefully having some time off. I've been busy and I'd like a bit of time to read some books and just study. I want to educate myself on writers, photography, filmmaking and poetry. I'm very lucky that I've now got enough money to have a bit of time to myself and study. I'm very lucky to be in that position.

[livelovesimallways]

"Such A Thing"....Pt. 2

(Previous)

*after talking for a while* "As you can see, even though every experience is different, the willingness to meet and share aspects of their lives is what truly helps both parties. And again, you are the parents so you ultimately decide the route you want to take. We just strongly encourage openness as it helps adoptees cope. So if you have anymore questions, please don't hesitate to ask."

"I do have one...How was your experience reconnecting with your son?"

"Umm..." *lets out a deep sigh* "It was tough for both of us. If I could go back, I would have never chosen for it to be closed. I believe that's what hurt him the most. It fueled that feeling of abandonment and caused the question of why?"

"Wow, that hits close to home.” *shakes his head* “I get it now.”

*attempts to look sympathetic* “So your family never told you why she had to leave?"

"Nope. I don't know anything about her. Not even her name. It's interesting that you said she had to, I always assumed she just left. I guess this line of work changes the way you think."

"It does. Plus, these decisions don't come lightly. It didn't for me." *gets interrupted by a knock on the door*

"Hey guys, sorry to interrupt. I'm just checking in. Moses your wife had a list of questions. I'm sure I was being interviewed." *laughing* "So did Moriah help or?..."

"She definitely did."

"Oh good. I hope she told you all about her son as well. Their story is just so touching. She even has pictures from when he was a newborn until about three months old. Why don't you show him?"

“I’d rather not. Today was pretty heavy.”

“I happen to think it would help.” *stares at her* “You show everyone that comes through these doors. It’s always appreciated.”

“Okay.” *looks nervous as shit*

*Moses' silence speaks volumes*

"I can explain. Please let me explain. Janice can you give us a second?” *pleading*

*puts the picture down* "You should vet your employees more thoroughly. That baby she's holding…. is me. I have a similar one with just my father...Same outfit, same blanket, same balloons, same room."

"What???" *in shock* "Is he saying you're his birth mother?"

"Yes...but I can explain."

"Explain???" *turns to Moses* "I am so sorry for this, Mr. Muse. If I had any inclination, I would've..."

"Oh that's bullshit!" *cuts her off* "I told you there was a conflict of interest and you still pushed!"

"You're his damn birth mother! Nobody would ever assume that's what you meant! Then after that, you lied! You've been lying...for years!"

"I only lied to help other families. People tend to be more open when they can relate. I didn't hurt or hinder, it only made things better. No one would've ever expected him to come through these doors." *looks at Moses* "I am so sorry. I know you probably have questions. I really thought your family would have at least let you know something. I didn't want to leave, but my life at the time was very unstable. It was no place for a fifteen year old let alone a baby. I knew you would be safe with your dad, so when I was forced to move hours away, I left you with him. The next few years I thought of trying to reach out, but before I knew it, I was pregnant again. Miles died and I didn't want to complicate your life anymore so, I stopped. And look how you turned out? You have the life of your dreams."

"What about your family, Do they...?"

"My husband does but my children?...Absolutely not. Just like with you, it would've complicated things. Even with them being adults now."

"I guess you carved out a nice life for yourself as well." *smirking to hold back rage* "Well, look, I'm sure my wife is wondering what's taking so long." *gets up* "I'm gonna head out. We won't be coming back so you two take care."

To Be Continued........

[cat-loves-music]

Chapter One: Music For a Sushi Restaurant

A/N: Hello everyone! I am currently rewriting my Harry's House story. I wrote this chapter in a few hours today because inspiration just casually knocked into me because it's definitely inspired by what's going on in my life right now. However, bits and pieces will be exaggerated, but overall this will be my coping mechanism for the foreseeable future. I hope you all enjoy! And forgive me if the writing sucks, this is my first time writing in third person and I feel like it fit for the narrative I was going for in this chapter. I might switch it up but who knows.

Word Count: 1283

MASTERLIST

“So Harry, tell us about this new album,” Zane Lowe asks, “what inspired you?”

Harry gives him his signature shy smile before looking down at the gold band on his ring finger, “Well…I was inspired by the journey I've taken over the past ten years. I've come a long way and I am excited to share it with everyone.”

Zane smiles, adjusting his position in his seat to cross his leg over the other and leaning into the conversation, “Definitely, you have come a long way in the music industry and in life in general. Any specifics you're willing to go into detail about?”

Zane did his best to make his interviewee comfortable, asking good questions and overall being a good interviewer. It was only natural to want to know more about the experiences behind the work, so Harry smiles brighter. 

“I try to write songs to where the interpretation can be fluid,” Harry answers, “my experiences are my own and I'm just sharing them in hopes that they can resonate with others.”

Zane smiles, he knew he wasn't going to get a super specific answer. After all, Harry is the master of dodging questions. So he does what every good interviewer must do: move on. 

“Music For a Sushi Restaurant,” Zane starts, “the first song on the album and it starts it off with an absolute bang! How did you know you wanted to start the album off like that?”

“That was the beginning of the story,” Harry says, a cheeky grin on his face.

And indeed it was the beginning…

~•~♤~•~♡~•~◇~•~♧~•~♤~•~♡~•~◇~•~♧~•~

It was 2013, middle of the One Direction days as the boys were working on Midnight Memories. Y/n was just starting out as a songwriter, who just so happened to catch an opportunity to work with them. Harry could remember everything he felt the moment he saw her walk into the studio. The pounding heartbeat in his chest, the beat of the butterfly wings in his stomach, but it wasn't until their eyes locked that he knew that he needed to know her.

“Hello,” she had said, “I'm Y/n. It's nice to meet you guys.”

Y/n was maybe just a bit nervous, anxiety building in her stomach like a tidal wave. From a small town in the Bible belt, where dreams of making it big were nearly nonexistent, she was naturally nervous. Never thought that at her age, a month or two shy from being nineteen, she'd be in a room with one of the biggest boy bands of her generation. Not to mention helping them write for their new album. 

After months and months of writing, she had grown rather close to all the boys. Going out for late night runs for food and hanging out was a part of their routine when they weren't in the studio or writing. Even when writing was done, the album came out, and the tour started, that didn't change. 

Y/n wasn't oblivious to the way Harry looked at her when he thought she wasn't looking, and she certainly not oblivious to the way some conversations would quietly end as she walked in the room. She knew he was different around her, but just chalked it up to being the only girl among five boys. Energy and personality usually changes due to who you're around and she understood that. What she didn't understand was why it was just her.

“Mate you gotta do something. You're killin’ us, just ask ‘er out.” 

It was after a big show in LA, Louis finally had finally said what all the boys were thinking. Harry knew that Louis was right. He needed to do something about his growing crush–which, let's be honest, was more than just a mere crush–that he had on Y/n, but it was hard. If the lights weren't on in the room, he was positive that she could light it with just her smile. If his mind was racing at a million miles an hour like it usually did before a performance, he could rely on her to calm the raging storm in his mind and body. Despite the nerves wracking his body and the sweat building in his palms when he was around her, all he would need is one look from her and time would stop. Like there was nothing else but them in the world.

So, he mustered up as much courage as he could, his heart nearly beating out of his chest as he looked around to spot her near the tour bus. Looking at Louis one last time, who was giving him the silent gesture to go, he gathered his waning courage and walked up to Y/n. 

She gave him a bright smile when she saw him, “Oh hi, Harry! The show was phenomenal.”

Harry returned the smile, wiping his sweaty palms on his jeans, “Thank you, love.”

She tilted her head, knowing something was different with him, “Everything alright?”

Harry nodded, a lump forming in his throat, but he swallowed it to reply, “Y-Yeah, just wanted to ask if ya wanted to go out and get something to eat?”

Her smile widened, “I'd love to.”

~•~♤~•~♡~•~◇~•~♧~•~♤~•~♡~•~◇~•~♧~•~

Harry opened the door to his home in Los Angeles, the one he shared with his wife, with a big smile on his face. The interview naturally went well, as it usually did with Zane. However, all that talk about the album and the inspiration behind it, he couldn't help but miss the woman he comes home to.

“Love, I'm home!” Harry called out.

Y/n smiled as she heard her husband's voice, “Hi H! How did the interview go?”

He followed her voice into the kitchen as she washed dishes, wrapping his arms around her waist from behind and nuzzling his face into the crook of her neck, “It went good. Just missed you.”

Y/n reached to put down the plate she was holding in the drying rack next to the sink before drying her hands. Leaning back into him, she closes her eyes, enjoying his presence.

“I missed you too,” she says.

Harry's hands find her hips, turning her around in his arms to face him. Wrapping her arms around his neck, she places a soft kiss to his lips before pulling away with a smile.

“Had me thinking about how far we've come,” Harry admits.

Y/n chuckles, “Yeah, we have come a long way, haven't we?”

The silence fills the air as the both of them reminisce about their journey to being where they are now. It's not until Harry speaks again, the silence dissipates.

“I was so nervous on our first date,” Harry recounts, “so much so I spilled that green tea on myself.”

Y/n laughs at the memory, “I remember that. I felt so bad for you cuz you were shaking like a leaf and you looked like you were about to cry.”

Harry pouts playfully, before his lips spreading into a grin as he speaks, “Hey, don't laugh. I was on a date with the love of my life and I was nervous!”

She smiles, pressing an index finger to his nose, “It all added to your charm, my love.”

Harry's grin widens, “Well, I'm glad you thought so ‘cause I was a bloody mess.”

Y/n chuckles, “I didn't think so.”

“Well, I guess that's all that matters,” he concedes, leaning in for another kiss.

Y/n kisses him back, their lips connecting and even still fireworks seem to go off at the contact. Pulling away, they look into each other’s eyes which seem to tell their own story.

A story about heartbreak, loss, but most importantly: love.

A/N: I hope you all enjoyed! This has definitely reminded me that I love writing and I missed it whole heartedly. Please give some feedback as I know this probably isn't the best 😭

[hislittleflower-throughconcrete]

New Beginnings

There is so much I want to say about what has recently been going on in my life.

I was really struggling emotionally in college, particularly with my depression, anxiety, eating disorder issues, and suicidality. It wasn't a new struggle, but it was bad at that time, and I was consumed with my problems. When I discovered my current field (child life specialist) in a class I was taking, my life dramatically shifted. I felt that God had placed this in my life because not only was it a perfect fit for both my gifts and goal to serve others, but it saved me from my toxic struggle with myself.

(For those that don't know, child life specialists help hospitalized children cope with medical experiences, teach children about their diagnoses, and provide support during procedures - learn more here.)

In deciding to pursue child life, I felt passionate, excited, and I was focused on others, rather than myself. It was a very competitive field and took years to complete my schooling, clinical practicum and internship in multiple children's hospitals, along with passing my exam to become certified. When I applied for my first job, the only program that exists near my family, due to complicated social factors I won't get into now, that manager said she would never consider hiring me.

To say that I was shocked and crushed was an understatement - I cried for days, my chest hurt as if someone punched it, and I felt so lost and confused. Why would God lead me to a field that if followed, would not allow me to live with my family, friends, and faith community? I was at such a low place that the only comfort I found was at the foot of the cross, and I prayed this prayer: "Jesus, my dreams have died and I bury them at your feet. Let Your Blood pour out onto them, that You may water them, and something beautiful may grow." I prayed this over and over again, every moment that I felt abandoned.

I then pursued jobs in other hospitals and got a job out of state - it was about 4 hours away from my family. I have been at this job for two years, and while I have been able to truly live my dream helping kids cope with illness, injuries, and traumas, I had trouble coping with being so far from my support system. This October we had so many deaths and horrific cases in a row I broke down in my boss's office and told her I don't know if I can continue to do this alone out here. I told my mom that if I couldn't find a job closer to home by Christmas of this year, I will have to abandon the field I worked so hard for and feel so called to do, for my own mental health.

On Good Friday - Good Friday, the day on which Jesus's blood was poured out for the world - my dream job becomes available only minutes away from my family.

The problem was that it was with the same health system that had previously told me they would never consider for me for their team.

I applied, and the process was agonizing - every step seemed to take so long, even though each only took a few days, and the waiting was painful because I knew I was hoping against hope that they would consider me, yet this hope and joy would bubble up inside me because I knew this was from God. I just knew, and no matter how much I tried to put my feelings in their proper place, I just knew.

My interviews went wonderfully and I was offered the job within 10 minutes of leaving their office. I was in the car driving and was overwhelmed with knowing my dream being resurrected when I had accepted long ago it would never, ever happen. God found a way to bring me home.

[kolour-me-kourt]

Chapter Sixteen: Rediscover

" ..... The song does come from an extremely real place I made a selfish decision and I'm not sure the innocent party affected knows anything about it but I am sorry"

"Do you want to go into anymore detail?"

"I don't want to but I will... I had dealings with an ex recently and he's in a relationship she seems like a really sweet girl but I was being selfish him and I had several reasons why we broke up but infidelity was one so the fact that I did that to someone else was fucked up and um I wrote a song about it"

"Wow that's a super real place well the song is beautiful and you can hear the emotion in it"

"Thanks I don't wanna expose him or anything cause I truly do think he's a great guy but he has some issues"

.

.

.

.

.

What's worse then getting cheated on? Everyone knowing you got cheated on and you stayed. YN was grateful in this moment that he told her the truth because she couldn't have imagined finding out this way. All the time and forgiveness put in seem to almost dwindle away when YN heard Ella speaking in a radio interview. The only person she had really been tied to publicly was Jayson so everyone who knew YN sent her the clip that was circulating around.

She cried and tried to get herself together because she had a flight to catch. Straight to Boston to watch Jayson play tomorrow. She would be court side beside his mother, her boyfriend,father and his girlfriend . She was excited but nervous all at the same time so this little interview only added to her nerves.  As soon as she zips her suitcase he calls."Yes sirrr?" "You on your way to the airport yet?" "Just finished packing but in a bout ten minutes I'll be leaving" "okay I sent a private .... So you can rest I know you're tired and I'm getting you myself" She finally puts her face in the camera"yayy I'm excited" she smiled "you sure?" She laughed slightly "yeah ... I just keep seeing that clip and it messed my mood up a little" "what clip?" She bit her lip so he asked again

"what clip?" "Um Ella dropped a new song .... And it's about you guys and she's on her press tour" "she said my name?" "No but knowing what I know it's easy to put two and two together plus the blogs are kinda already doing it so." "Doing what?" "Saying the song is about you" "fuck!" His voice was deep and filled with anger "it's fine" "it's not why would she do that?" "She's an artist she's coping" "so you taking up for her?" YN lifted an eyebrow

"yeah I guess I am but it's really no reason to be upset because I'm not mad we've moved on" "yeah you're not mad but I can tell you been crying" "yeah" "just hurry and get to me we got plans and I don't want any of that to ruin them" she smiled "okay baby I love you" "I love you too" "byeeeee" "bye" she hangs up exhaling "well look at that growth" she smiled proud of herself.

*A few hours later*

She was getting off the plane and there was Jayson flowers in hand ready to see her. She walked over quickly kissing him

" mmm hey baby" "hey papa" he smiled on her lips "save that for later we got a big night" "oh....? we do?" "mhm so first you take these....and ill take these bags" he handed her the flowers while grabbing her bags. Soon they were both in the car driving out of the airport she kept glancing at him and smiling.

"I'm really back in Boston" "yeah... do you wanna be?" He smiled "it's no other place I rather be... If I'm being in honest" "good cause you staying with me regardless" "so you'll hold me hostage?" "If I have too" "boy bye😂😂" "this the same car we sat in that first night we met ... eating burgers and talking shit" YN laughed "I remember... that was a goodnight I remember when you kissed me ..... it was so damn passionate" "it's cause I wanted to fuck you" she rolled her eyes

"bae I thought we was being sentimental" "I thought we was being honest" she laughed "always.... So what's the moves" "go back to the house let you chill a little bit and then I invited a few people over for a lil game night" YN lifted her eyebrow "a few... like a group? Or like two?" "It don't matter you'll have fun ... I promise" "hmmm I was really looking forward to having some good sex tonight cause I know I can't get none tomorrow" "why not?" "You not fuckin before the game" "I might after tho...." "It'll be lazy sex I don't want that I been missing you badly in that department it's ridiculous" he smiled "we'll have time before game night .... I'll get you right" "good bae"

"I do wanna run something by you real quick" "I'm listening" "Deuce wants to come to the game...." "Oh ... so you don't want me to come?" "I want you to come I was trying to figure out if you was ready to meet him.... I know we talked about it before but I'm asking you again" she exhaled deeply "did you talk you talk to your mom?" "Yeah... she said we should wait a lil longer" "then I'll watch from the house it's fine" "bae..." "I mean it's the best alternative he should be able to watch his dad" "unless you don't sit with them"

"and then that'll be on WAGS by the end of the night are they really together if she can't even sit with the rest of the family at the games I don't have time for these blogs Jay" "I get it .... I did want you there though you can't always be worried about what other people think ...if we locked in we locked in you know what the fuck going on" "let me think on it" "that's fine with me ... I don't get that much time with you so knowing you watching me that close I would definitely be activated" she laughed

"orrrr I can be in your bed waiting for you fresh from the game....." "damn that sounds good....when you moving in?" She laughed loudly "boyyyy" "do you think you're ready" her eyes got wide "for what?" "Meeting Deuce" "oh...your mama said no so no plus I really want to meet his mom before I met him.... so regardless tomorrow isn't the time it's too rushed .....Have you talked to her about that?" "No should I?" "I mean yeah if you want me to meet him soon" "you right" she smiled "that's what I like to hear" "now.... Can we focus on something else" "like what?" "enjoying these three days together" "of course bae" she smiled grabbing his hand he turns up the music speeding to his house. When he parks the car her phone vibrates she looks down and then she sighs.

"you good?" he asked "no...but I will be after my shower" "what's wrong" "my vibe is just a little off..." "somebody said something to you" she bit her lip nervously "just this Ella stuff people keep asking me ...without really asking me I saw a few shady posts on the plane too....its just weird so many people are invested in us failing ...I hate that" "that's why I wish she didn't say anything it was over we moved on and then boom its back in your face im sorry bae" ".....yeah I just need to shower" "bet...lets go"

He gets out of the car grabbing her bags and then going to the door. She lifted an eyebrow staring at him through the window but then got out of the car going into the house. "what I do now?" "hmm?" "I know you...so why you mad" "you didn't open my door but whatever" "ummmmmm I was too busy getting your bags" "okay" "is that not enough" " I said okay Jayson" she immediately went to his room stripping and getting in the shower she just need some hot water on her body.

"Baeee!" she yelled from the bathroom he came in looking at her up and down licking his lips "Inviting me in?" she laughed "I was asking where you put my loofah ...its gone" "The housekeeper put it in the trash last week she said it had stuff growing on it ...since you haven't been here to use it" "awww damn" "Yeah let me grab you a wash cloth" she pouts "Okay" he laughed leaving but then quickly returning handing it to her "thank you so much" "mhm...you look so good wet skin smooth ..." she bit her lip

"wanna get in?" "yeah" he smiles while taking his shirt off "first you gotta tell me who's coming over" "its a surprise bae" he lowkey pouts making her slightly laugh she never seen him do that before "you know I don't like people" "you'll like these people...its fine" "and when is game night?" "We got like three hours" "And what are you doing for food?" "ordering some stuff'' "come in here" he smiled as he finished stripping and then he got in the shower with her shutting the glass door "Your showers always so damn hot" "it feels ...good I needed to relax" "I know you do" he kisses her forehead

"I wanna apologize for the door thing...you were doing enough and my hands not broke" he laughed " you use to me treating you a certain way but you can't do that and not be patient" "what you mean?" "I would've opened the door for you after I brought your bags in" "its only two bags Jay" "Maybe I didn't wanna carry the bags and open your door at the same time" "but ..then that was pointless walking....taking the bags in and then coming back out to open my door?" "to you but maybe that's my process" "oop you right" she laughed

"everything can't just go your way" "And why tf not" she joked "cause you not patient" she laughed playfully rolling her eyes. "hmmm you might be on to something" "I know i'm right"  "when you be at my place I treat you way better"

"ima treat you good too...stop playing" "I don't force you to socialize with people" he laughed "bae ....you'll enjoy it we'll be in the bed by 11" "you think so?" "Mhm I know so ...just trust me won't be no late night over here" she laughed "I love you" "I love you too" "you forcing me to socialize my whole time here?" he shook his head "you only don't like socializing cause you don't like sharing me" "true cause I shouldn't have too why you like sharing me" "cause you're a bright light that nobody can dim anyway a lot of people deserve to see you and experience you just not in the same ways I do" "well that was poetic"

"and I meant it ......what time you leaving on Friday? before or after the game?" "It's a late game so probably before unless you really want me there" "hmmmm you know who we playing right?" "no? who?" "Melo" "oh wow no I didn't realize....so that's a no?" "nah I want you there" "I would have to leave right after ....I have a thing Saturday morning" "I'll fly home with you spend some time with you on Saturday after you get home" "and then leave that night?" "leave Sunday morning" "if you feel like doing all that" "yeah I do...simply because it'll be like two weeks before we see each other" "two weeks why?" "away games..... then I have stuff to do with Deuce" "oh well okay I guess we got each other for the rest of the week" she smiled he kissed her forehead

*time skip*

Their whole shower consisted of nothing but conversation she loved moments like that when they could talk forever and never get tired. It was evident he wanted her but it also was very obvious that he wanted to wait. Shower sex wasn't something he always wanted to do he needed to be in the mood. Currently he was down stairs setting up for the game night as yn wrapped up some work. A few emails were sent to her while she was in the shower so she wanted to get to them now so she can relax tonight. she hears the door bell ring. "You almost ready?" he texts her "five more minutes please" "ok"

she didn't wanna upset him but she had shit to do. Sometimes she didn't think that he realized she also made sacrifices for them to work. She didn't hear much conversation so she figured it most be the food. Once she found the files she exhaled attaching them to the email and then sending them off. She gave herself one last look over ...after all she had no clue who he invited to the house. She needed to look good. Her full Curly hair with her white toenails and bright pink comfortable but mini dress made her look amazing.

She walked downstairs he glanced at her clearly a little upset "Sorry ....i'm a hundred percent yours now" she pouted hoping it would make him take it easy on her. He lifts one finger beckoning for her to come closer. When she stood in front of him he smiles "I know you have to work sometimes ...no need to apologize especially when you look like this" she was pleasantly shocked "wow okay that makes me feel better" "good...I hope I make you feel better tonight" "pick me up" he raised on eyebrow but decided to listen picking her up she wraps her legs around his waist.

"you better make me feel amazing tonight ...if you have me out here hosting people..cause if you don't their will be hell to pay" she squints her eyes trying to be intimidating he couldn't help but laugh "don't threaten me...cause I might make you stand on that" "how?" he smirked kissing her lips she deepens the kiss moaning softly when she felt him squeeze her ass. And as usual once the kiss got heated the doorbell began to ring. "uhh 🙄 no" she says he smiles "Don't be like that"

he sits her down gently on her feet going to the door opening

"hey" "damn this is nice" yn knew that voice from anywhere "bitch? is that you?" She rushed to the door "YES!!! its me"  it was yn friend from Boston everything had come full circle for yn in this moment her friend was there when she met Jayson and now she was here in his house the first night they host something together ...felt special. "yo bitch ass teammate coming?" She asked Jayson looking him up and down "Yup and don't talk about my boy like that" "what happened with that?" "bitch let me tell you...we drinking?" "yup he got my favorite wine in the kitchen lets go....bae you want anything to drink?"

"Just some water" "Lame!!!" FFB (friend from Boston) says "I have a game tomorrow" "he needs to stay sober anyway" yn bit her lip as they finally made it into the kitchen "drunk sex be lit" "he not gon get drunk he gon get tipsy and go to sleep ....he might as well stay sober ....but back to you clearly we need to catch up" "long story short....you remember last time you was here me and Jaylin ended up fuckin again....and it was way better ...and so I got a lil crazy" Yn passes her friend a glass and she takes a long sip

"Ummm crazy how?" "I was texting just asking when he was gon fuck me again....you don't fuck somebody like that and then think you can go ghost ...that shit mad weird he was all in my ear talking to me bitch had me folded up and shit and then aint say nothing else" "so then what you do..." "blocked him after he reached out again cause how you see my messages and don't respond but then just hit me back up talking about am I free? was I free yeah if he asked tonight will I be free? yeah but still..." yn laughed "yeah he can't be playing wit you like that you gotta figure out how to get the upper hand" yn hears loud knocks on the door

"yeah I will I have a plan but enough about me....did you see that Ella Mai Interview...you think she talking about Jayson?" yn sighed to tell the truth or not tell the truth...that is the question "I did see it yeah'' "yeah you think she talking about Jayson? ill stop streaming boo'd up right now" yn laughed "girl even I listen to her songs can't deny her hits" "you gon answer the question?"

"COME ON LADIESSS" Jaylen says loudly FFB rolls her eyes "ONE SEC" she says yn swallows hard finishing her drink "It doesn't matter one way or the other to me....because I'm happy so why dive into that with him" yn applauded herself mentally no lies were told and she didn't tell her business "well alright then lets go beat some ass" they walk out of the kitchen "Damn" Jaylin says looking YBF up and down "Boy stop before we leave" yn rolled her eyes "So much for getting the upper hand" "ill get it" yn laughed "what's the first game bae?"

*time skip*

Game night was great they had fun and then went right to sleep. The next day Jayson woke up completely focused on the game so yn relaxed around the house and worked some more. While he was taking his pre game nap she worked out. After a long talk this morning they decided that she would just watch the game from home. As bad as they both wanted her there it wasn't the time for it.When he woke up he was hella energetic he jumped out of the bed

"Excited for the game?" "Hell yeah I know you'll be watching so im real excited and waiting for me later?" "mhmmm right in this bed" "Can we skip to the good part?" she laughed "what you wearing tonight" "idk...pick me something out let me go to the bathroom" she smiled "ooooh okay" she was excited Jayson was chill but he took his fashion sense serious cause he liked to look good. She stood in his closet taking in his intoxicating smell and just before she zoned out into a trance his phone started to buzz. She walks out of the closet glancing at it

"Your baby mama calling" "Bring it here please" YN rolled her eyes "She can wait" he laughed "Bae bring me the phone" "fineee" yn grabs his phone bringing it into the bathroom handing it to him he grabbed her hand signaling he wanted her to stay he answers on speaker "hello?" "yeah I just wanted to let you know your son fell asleep...so I don't know if you wanted to have your mom still come get him or just let him come to the game next time you have him but yeah he had a long night last night" "long night like how?" "I have some family in town and you know he likes to stay up with everybody" They shared a laugh "Yeah that's fine just let him sleep let him know I love him" "of course I will good luck tonight" "thanks ...bye" "Byeeee"

He smiles looking down at YN "soooo you wanna come with me to the game" Yn shrugged playing like she didn't care "if you want me to..." he smacks her ass ...."Stop playing I want you to....so get ready" "Ima ride with you?" "Yup" "fuck well okay let me hop In the shower real quick" "Okay im trying to leave in twenty minutes" "Alright bae Ill be ready...I pulled two shirts you might wanna wear tonight too" "alright ill go look in a second"

In 15 minutes she had took a shower fluffed her hair moisturized her skin and now was putting on her outfit he was downstairs waiting on her. She loved what he was wearing

It was simple but cute she on the other hand had to step out for her first game where people knew who she was. She would be in the section with his family of course but also other players partners she needed to look good beside them .... She needed to look better than them but most importantly it needed to look like she wasn't even trying.

"Heels or no heels?" She asked Jayson still in the room "step out here let me see you" she stood at the top of the stairs "how you look that good in oversized shit? " "Focus bae you need to be on time" "yeah you can wear heels it'll give you some height since your pants big" "bet!!" She rushed off grabbed her black heels and then she flashed down the stairs he smiled "never seen you get ready so fast" "I mean you can't be late to work for me" he laughed "you right ... let's go"

.

.

.

He went Into the arena before her. She stayed in the car for a second getting a few pictures inside and out of the car and then she got out locking the doors. She took a deep breath she looked good now she needed to sell it ... she was a girlfriend she needed to act like the girlfriend. She was there to support her man above all else.

YN got to her seat pretty quickly speaking to his dad and a few of the players partners around her introducing herself and exchanging information.

Soon enough his mom showed up smiling. "I thought I was gonna be late... I'm glad to see you here" "thanks ... were you working?" "No I was halfway to get Deuce before I saw the message" "oh wow that sucks" "yeah but I'll be fine anyway how have you been when did you get in?" "Last night actually I fly out tomorrow night" "are you coming to that game?" "I plan on it Jay wants me too" "it's important to start being seen so I agree" she smiled "yeah... that's true I just gotta balance it all" "that's also true my son isn't your whole life it's good that you have your own identity"

"yeah my mom has always said don't ride anybody else's coattails" "smart woman I'm sure I'll meet her some day" "hopefully if I'm still around" YN laughed awkwardly slightly beating herself up why did she say that to his mom "I'm sure you will be..... he loves you I haven't seen him like this about anybody in a long time" "that makes me feel good" "it should"

Soon as shoot arounds started and she caught Jayson looking up at her smiling she was completely at peace. He loved seeing the picture of her with his family all that was missing was his son.

.

..

.

.

.

As he predicted he was hot the whole entire game first half he already had 30 points and he finished even stronger his points combined with JB blew the other team out of the water they had no clue what hit them. YN kept a smile on her face the whole entire time excited for the game excited to watch him play in his element with his people it was a moment for the books.

.

.

.

.

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Fridays night game with Melo

YN could feel this game was important to Jayson. Every game was important but he was super focused on this one. They drove in the car singing  r&b classics at the top of their lungs so by the Time he was walking in to the arena his energy was on a thousand and before the game could even start she noticed all his teammates felt his energy and it rubbed off on them.

He noticed her being in his city made a huge difference and he wonders if it's too fast to ask for her to move in seriously. It's selfish she has other things going on but it's heavy on his mind.

*time skip in the car

"The game was really close I can't but think he was trying to show me up in front of you" "orrrrr he wanted his team to win?" "Don't matter cause who won?" "My baby....you didn't have to dunk on him though " she smiled and kissed his lips "yeah I did he did it first" YN shook her head "you looked so good out there" she licked her lips slowly "wait until we get to your house .... Actually no ima fuck you on the plane.... Ima put you in the mile high club" "how you know I'm not a member" he lifted an eyebrow "are you?" "No that shit seem scary" "we gon do it right in the window seat.... Ain't no staff on board except the pilot and co pilot" "nobody coming with us?" "Nope just me and you ... so you can ride that dick in the clouds" "you being freaky tonight.... I love it" she smiled "I know I gotta talk to you like that sometimes"

Once they got home Jayson packed his stuff and they rushed off to the airport to get on the plane. As soon as she walked in Jayson was behind her smacking her ass. After talking to the pilots they went in the control room and prepared for take off. And quickly they were in the air.

"you wanna be in the mile high club?" He kisses her lips. She rubbed him through his pants and he was clearly already excited she stands up and then gets on her knees in front of him. He smiled lifted the window shade. She really was about to suck dick in the air .... Wow. He tried to help her by unbuttoning his pants but she moved his hands out of the way.

"You just relax.... I got this" he listened completely in awe.... Was she gonna take charge? She pulled his dick out in record time "you're already getting hard for me.... I must be doing something right" she licks her lips and then around his tip maintaining eye contact. Her tongue eventually licked every spot on his dick then she traced his prominent vein up to his tip closing her mouth for a second and then slowly allowing spit to come out of her mouth "damn" he said softly he could watch that scene over and over again. She noticed he loved it so she did it again and started to stroke his dick..... and then finally her mouth started to play too.

"You look so pretty" she stared him in his eyes as she went slow it was making him lose all his cool. He tried to keep his eyes open but struggled she grabbed one of his hands placing it on her head. "Want me to grab your hair?" "Mhm" he puts her hair in a makeshift ponytail "love to watch your face while you make me disappear" she moves her hand taking him fully into his mouth she gagged a little but didn't stop instead she pulled a little of him out of her mouth and placed her hand back on him stroking him as her mouth moved up and down expertly once she had enough she placed a kiss on the tip of his dick that was now standing at attention and then

she stood up and started to remove her pants she left her heels on because she honestly didn't feel like going through the Trouble of taking them off especially since he was already so worked up she stood tall and proudly in front of him bitting her lip planning her next move He opened his mouth to say something but she quickly cut him off "shhh I got you" she smiled he lean back relaxing and then she sat on his lap with her back on his stomach relaxing she spread her legs.

"Finger me bae" she looked up into his eyes he placed two fingers to her mouth singling for her to wet them. She let him place his fingers in her mouth as she got them nice and wet when she was done she pulled them out and he immediately went to her center teasing her.

He stared in her eyes as he tried to gain some control but it was clear she was in charge for now. When his finger slid inside her she immediately closed her eyes "damn" he smirked "you just always so wet for me" "it's the way you talk to me" "I just be asking you shit I really wanna know" "like?" "What I do so good in my life to deserve you" she gasped when his fingers began rubbing her clit.

"Baby hm?" He asked "I don't know" "all you know is you feel good...huh?" "yeahhh" he smiled once he felt her cuming on his hand she leaked on to his thigh but he didn't mind. She grabbed his dick about to slide it inside of herself but he stopped her "let me see your face while you ride this dick" she smiles standing up turning around and straddling him. she teased herself because he was extremely hard but when he had enough he slides her down himself. "how you know if I was ready?" "im sorry baby ...want me to take it out" she slowly started move her hips "Nope" he grabs her face kissing her deeply "yeah that's what I thought" 

                                                                                      *Saturday

He finally got a dose of how she felt when he was at the gym or doing something while she was visiting cause while she was busy the whole morning he was in her home waiting for her just missing her. So when she finally walked through the door he was like an excited little kid" "hey bae how was your day? How did the event go?" Jayson asked as soon as she walked through the door she took her shoes off immediately sitting on the couch beside him she exhaled deeply "I'm so glad it's over..... it feels like it lasted forever and it was just like a waste of five hours" "damn bae" "yeah what you do?" "Nothing.... Just missed you and slept ... the sleep felt good" "good you deserve it" "I hope your day gets better" "oh it will.... After this shower" he laughed "yeah you go shower and I'll get us some food what you want?" "Surprise me bae" she stands up looking down at him he smiles pulling her back down on his lap.

"You ain't kissed me since you walked in ...."  "Damn I'm slacking sorry bae" she slowly kisses him as he squeezes her ass. "I'll go to the Mexican restaurant ...how that sound?" "mhm that sounds good" "you want a chicken quesadilla?" "yeah and Birria tacos" "ou that do sound good" "mhmmm I know" he smiled "okay ill let you relax a little you want anything to drink?" "yeah the usual" she kissed his lips again and then continued talking "im so glad you're here ....if I didn't have you to look forward to I wouldn't have made it through work" "im glad I came too and all night its me and you" she sighs "and then you leave in the morning" "yeah don't focus on that though" she laughed slightly

"im driving you to the airport?" "yeah I want you too but if you don't want to its fine" he kissed her forehead softly leaving his lips there "ill drive you of course" "you don't want too?" "I don't want you to see me cry...and If I have to watch you walk onto that plane.... I might lose it" "bae..." "you wanted the answer Jay" he kisses her forehead again "you want me to uber?" "No im taking you...I'll just be a thug" he laughed "Okay bae...go relax while I get some food" he grabs her ass shaking it a little then smacking it. She stands up and then pulls him up "I hope our food is good" she says while walking to the bedroom "it will be ...like it always is" she laughed disappearing into the bedroom. He sighed shaking his head grabbing his keys and shutting the door.

*Sunday

She sniffled as he kissed her forehead "bae don't make this harder than what it already is" "sorry I'm just gonna miss you" "I'll FaceTime you as soon as I land... I love you be safe" "you too Bae" "let me hear you say it" he smiles "I love you so much baby" he Kisses her lips passionately and walks off towards the plane she gets back in her car waiting until she couldn't see him anymore and then she reversed her car going back home. Already she felt lonely they had practically spent the whole week together and that rarely happened....so saying bye for two weeks was eating her tf up inside.

*two weeks later*

It had been two weeks since YN  had seen Jayson he had back to back games away and then he had his son so she knew she probably wouldn't see him for another three days. She had a girls night and had been working extra hard just to get out of this funk after none of her friends could come over she decided to call Melo inviting him over for a movie night which included pizza and wings with his favorite soda. It had been a little minute since they linked up so he decided he would come over.

Soon enough it was seven pm and he was ringing the door bell. "HEYYYYY FRIENDDD" she says with a big smile on her face he pats her head "damn relax I know you lonely you too excited " she laughed as he walked in "I miss you to Melo damn" "I know you do we gotta talk man" he shook his head as he took his shoes off "Wussup?" "So you know the chick I was telling you about?" "Yeah? what about her" "you was right...she fucked another player" "on your team!!!?" "nah somebody close enough to me tho....back in the day but still" "see I knew it she seem a little like a homie hopper cause she was just with NLE Choppa two weeks ago"

"And you ain't tell me?" "I aint think it was my business more importantly I thought you knew" "nah I didn't man" "Well does it really matter? like you honestly was just trying to fuck...so fuck her" his eyes got wide "nah" "Why not....if it was romantic I would get it but like are you gonna wife her?" "I don't wanna have this conversation with you no more its taking a turn for the worse" she laughed "im just saying...." Melo felt that yn was happy in her relationship with Jayson but she also wanted him around just incase it went left.

Subconsciously yn was keeping him on the back burner she was in love with Jayson absolutely but it was also nice to know that she could have Melo if Jayson ever just left her or she decided to leave him.

"im your friend if you don't have the conversation with me who you gon have it with?" "Me and LBG getting back together ....soon probably idk" "Wym you don't know" "she been hitting me up and I honestly miss being in a relationship" yn rolled her eyes "You wanna get our food and start the movie" "you don't think I should?" "She's bad news and that's all im gonna say...you were supportive when I straight ghosted you and came back and stayed with Jay so ima support you if you get back with her ...just know I feel like you shouldn't cause she's trash and you're setting yourself back by getting back in a toxic ass relationship just cause you miss constant pussy"

"Alright I respect that...lets eat" "do you respect it?" "You were my constant pussy!.... *he sighs taking a breath and then continues to talk* This has got to the territory of shit we shouldn't be talking about when you got a whole Nigga I'm trying to respect .... So you ready to eat?"

YN bits her lip taking a deep breath "yeah .... Let's eat" She respected Melo for respecting her relationship because she was clearly having second thoughts and had he kissed her she probably would've folded completely. Melo was to the point where he couldn't lose her again so if that meant he never touched her again he was with it.

She fixed his plate and then they sat in front of the tv. "We Binge watching stranger things right?" "Yupp unless you changed your mind" he glanced at her

" no ... stranger things is fine... I'll start at the beginning" she turns it on and it's quiet still eventually he grabs the remote pausing "why you do that?" She asked looking into his eyes "shhh let me just get my thoughts together" "okay..."

".... You my friend I love you I would be lying if I said I don't ever think about me and you but I respect your relationship and I respect the fact that you love him so from now on we need to do better with the conversations we having cause I don't ever want to put you in position of choosing between him and me or even cheating on him cause I know you not a cheater I don't want you changing your ways just cause shit got hard with that nigga" "well I don't want you changing your ways just cause you wanna be in a relationship that bitch don't deserve you she never did and i whole heartedly mean that please ... don't get back with her" he sighed

"you don't want me with her? Or you don't want me with anyone... else" "just her ...." "You sure?" "What do you want me to say?" "The truth" "the truth is I love Jayson and me and him are just now really getting to the place where we're good if I was gonna cheat I should've done it months ago but I didn't which means I know I love him .... But is it possible for me to love both of you? It's selfish to say I don't want you with nobody else but like.... Anyway that's the truth" "I gotta think about all that" he presses play she laughs trying to break the tension "just stay on your end of the couch Nigga " "that's what I'm trying to tell you Nigga" he smiled

****time skip*

she had dozed off before the fourth episode her head was in Melos lap and he was dozing off too until he heard the key in her door he glanced down trying to register what was happening and then he saw Jayson walking through the door. Jayson saw Melo and immediately rolled his eyes "she sleep?" "yeah? ....and missing you so I'll just leave Melo tries to carefully get up without waking her up. he gathers his stuff walking by Jayson "uh thanks man for being here...when I can't" He daps him Melo was shocked but appreciated it "No problem that my friend" "yeah"Jayson walks over picking yn up taking her to the bed room her eyes open.

"I must be dreaming" she said softly "nah...surprise" "yayyy baby I missed you" "I heard ...I flew all night to see you" he finally sat her on the bed "this sucks....I really be going through it" "it's not easy for me either bae...." "You let Melo out?" "He let his self out" "did y'all talk?" "I played nice if that's what you're asking" "Thank you bae" "you too tired for me?" "Thought you would never ask .... Give it to me" "nah...." "Huh?" She laughed "you was just sleep ... let's sleep I'm fresh from a flight" "even if I do all the work?" "Yeah even if you do all the work" she laughs "alright bet cause I am tired "

"you know you can tell me no... right?" "Yeah of course" "you sure?" "Yes bae" "it just seems like .... Since the thing you act like everytime I ask for sex I just get it..... even when it was bad you said yes" "you tired ima let you have it okay?" She started getting mad "what? I'm trying to have a conversation" "I don't think so..... I feel like you trying to prove a point" "what's my point then?" " idk you haven't made it" "alright you right I am sleepy ima just ....." he sighed walking into the bathroom shutting the door she sat there for a second but it wasn't sitting right with her. So she got up walking into the bathroom to see him washing his face he had just finished brushing his teeth

"do you think I'm scared to lose you? Are you worried?" "Yeah very ... I never want you to feel forced bae" she sighed bringing him close she kissed his exposed chest "my sex drive is high Bae I want it just as much as you.... Everytime ..... now do you want me to continue being honest?" "Of course" "before we had ... really healed and when I wasn't enjoying the sex it's cause I wasn't ready to have sex with you I did it because I didn't want you looking else where to get it .... So I kinda just forced myself to do it and make sure you were pleased" "damn bae that make me feel like shit" "why though? you didn't force me" "but I didn't catch on.... Ever I haven't caught on I haven't paid attention to you like I need too" "I could've been more vocal this isn't one sided" "that's true but I gotta do better" "bae ... why is this hitting you so hard? You didn't force me into anything I need you to know that I don't want you carrying that weight" he kissed her forehead

"it's like what you were saying in therapy the other week like .... I'm splitting my time so much that nobody is getting a 100% of me I missed a big milestone for Deuce at school and I vowed I would never be that dad" she saw him tear up"awww bae I'm sorry" she held him close she wished she could hold his head in her chest... but he's so damn tall" "I'm just ... anyway so yeah that happened and then I get back to you and I haven't even been paying attention to you either so like what am I doing good?"

"You're still a wonderful father above anything else Deuce tells you that himself and you're the best boyfriend I've ever had if I feel neglected I'll tell you but right now all we can do is go to sleep .... And you have to forgive yourself for the Deuce thing I'm sure he will to" "he wasn't even that upset .... I don't think he realizes how big this was" "maybe it meant more to you than to him regardless it was still big so I get you being upset" "yeah maybe...."

"Why did you miss it?" ".... I was sleep" "what are you leaving out?" "Well when I decided to fly back with you to Boston I remembered i had to go back Sunday because of his thing but once I got home I slept without thinking about his thing and I overslept cause I basically forgot" "so it's my fault..." "no it's not that's why I didn't wanna say that" "I mean if you didn't feel so obligated to be here..." "but bae I'm a grown ass man who knew what I was getting into when I said I wanted to be in a relationship this is not on you it's on me .... And ima fix it you gotta trust in me that I will" ".... Okay" "I don't want that weight on you" he smiled quoting her she smiled too "okay Jay I'll let you finish washing your face and stuff I'll be in bed" "okay don't get no wild ideas... we going straight to sleep" "yes sir" YN laughed

The next morning he woke up to the fresh smell of her fixing breakfast. She felt like it was the least she could do since he flew all night to see her. He got himself together brushing his teeth and taking a quick shower before coming downstairs. "Goodmorning..... all this for me?" he still had his morning voice that she loved so much. "Goodmorning" she nodded her had She had fixed cinnamon rolls,French toast, an assortment of fruit, Turkey bacon, applewood bacon and Turkey sausage. When YN felt helpless in situations she just liked to cook but she would never tell him she fixed everything in the house cause she didn't know what else to do other than cook and her surprise...

"Wow bae this is a lot" "I'm gonna eat too" he came over giving her a kiss "you not inviting nobody else?" "No.... Should I?" "I mean I kinda interrupted your thing with Melo last night so..." he didn't finish his sentence "it's fine bae" "okay... just making sure" she fixed him a plate and grabbed him a water bottle. " I love you" "I love you too" "when I walked in last night and you were sleep I can just tell He's in love with you and I feel like you have feelings too .... Do I think you'll act on them no but I want you to be honest with me and yourself" The words flowed out his mouth nonchalantly completely catching her off guard

"yeah..." "yeah I'm right?" "It's so early do we have to do this now?" "I'm not going no where I just wanna know  what's going on" she sighed "I think it's truth to what you're saying I don't think he's in love with me though I think it's more so feelings of regret cause he assumed I would always be around for ... you know" "and your feelings?" "Are displaced .... I'm very happy here now we're stronger than ever but I would be lying if I said I wanted to see him in a relationship" "so you're allowed to find happiness but he's not?"

"Exactly it's selfish and what he does romantically has nothing to do with me it honestly never did " "I don't think it's romantic feelings bae ... I think you don't want him in a relationship cause then he won't just be available to you like he is now cause I can't always be here and you like your friend in the house cause at least you had something at one point most importantly your in the same city" she sat there really thinking "yeah I think you're right" he smiled "I'm so damn good" "whateverrrrr" she laughed uncomfortably "I hope this shows how much I trust you and how much I'm determined to be friends and lovers" "definitely  .... Now let's eat cause I have a surprise for you"

"oh shit I'm excited" "oh well....calm down it's just a little something" she laughed "what is it?" "you remember the last time I was at your place...and you wouldn't tell me your surprise....cause im not patient? keep that same energy" "oooooh you so petty" he laughed "I just like making you wait...." "mmmm what I tell you about that teasing shit" "is this teasing?" "yup....but since you started it ima finish it .....later" she licked her lips "mhm okay" "Oh? you think im playing?" "no you not playing but ....neither am I" "mmm okay"

"bae stop" "stop what?" "You gon tease me bad?" "Nah" she exhaled smiling "oh okay" "ima tease you good" she kisses her teeth "boy why would you say that" he laughed "don't play I might tie that ass up" "with what?" "Im sure you got something in here I can use" "I'm not helping you find it" he laughed "I'll just pin you down or hold your hands... either way you gon do what I say" she bit her lip "you hear me?" He asks looking at her dead in her eyes  "100%" "you like when I talk to you like that ... freaky ass" "shhhhh" she laughed "everytime I look at your perfect face I really be like this the same girl that swallows all of me... and my family thinks is an angel wow" "angel for them hoe for you.... Will always be my philosophy" "well damn bae" "a wife has to be all of it wrapped into one" "mmmm well you definitely that" "I know"  she smiled finishing her juice

After they get finish eating and joking she guides him to the living room. "now bae I was working all morning on this so if I missed something you can add it but ....close your eyes let me grab it" he laughed listening  "okay bae" "okay open"  YN made a calendar that shows all his games and meeting plus all his days with deuce and deuces school activities and her free days to fly in all color coordinated. She couldn't read his face she had never seen him make this face

"ummmm let me explain before you say anything.... green is your stuff pink is when im available to travel blue is when i'm free but not free enough to travel Red is all the days you have Deuce yellow is Deuce activities and I have it all written down too and I put it in your iPad so it can sync to your phone too and just incase I have new things to come up or you do because our schedule is ever evolving but also because I want this to be as easy as possible for you so I hope it makes it better" "Come here sit on my lap" she was nervous but she listened

"yes?" "This is the best gift anybody has ever got me" "bae you --" he cuts her off "i'm serious bae you woke up early to do this and you still fixed me breakfast ....I love you and this will help me a lot" " I just don't want you feeling how you was feeling last night" "gimme kiss big head" she smiled kissing his lips slowly "mmm" "damn you so special" "okay bae stop" "nah let me hype my girl you so damn amazing the way you look out for me and you really care for me I've never seen no shit like that" "well you're welcome... I love you" "I love you too thank you for listening ...."

"Always" his lips quickly find her neck sucking softly "mmm" "what's that? You like that?" "Yes ... I do" " I like you" she laughed "babyyyy" "you like me?" "A lot a lot" "you like going steady with me?" "For nowwww" he smacked his lips "wym for now?" "I mean this is cute.... But can you handle me?" "I handle you all day long I don't know why you playing lil girl" she laughed "I enjoyed my time In Boston I wish I could do it more" "you can.." "how?" "The thing with Deuce won't happen everytime" "yeah I know I just feel like until he knows me then maybe I shouldn't go to the games he's at like last week worked out perfectly because I had an outfit and I looked good and Deuce fell asleep right before the game and didn't come"

"you did look good.... Like extra good it was casual but you looked ... mmmm I don't know if I like Wednesday night or Friday night look better " she smiled "you don't get that often huh? I guess when we step out I usually am extra girly" "I like that too tho Bae but yeah it was nice to see you in the baggy clothes cause I can still see your body but it was just... so damn sexy" "I'll keep that in mind .... I didn't know if you would like it" he massaged her butt bringing her close kissing her lips "I know what you doing Jay" "what I'm doing?" "Teasing...." "that outfit on Friday could've easily have been a date night fit" "how much longer am I gonna have to wait?" She says on his lips "for what?" "This dick" "tell me how much ... you want it"

"Jayson ..." "hmmm?" "I want you really bad all I keep thinking about is the plane.... And how you let me take control" "you like being in control?" "I did up there I like knowing that you let me .... And you can take it back at anytime" "I like that you know that" she bit her lip "that you have full control? Absolutely" "that turns you on ..... don't it?" She nodded her head and then kissed him hard she began to grind he pulls away slowly

"you not in charge today though.... today I'm gonna have full control Of your body" "you're gonna tie me up?" His fingers slide her pajama shorts to the side his eyes close when he feel her wetness. "Shhhh.... Let me hear your Pussy .... Stop talking" she gasps breathing heavy as his fingers slide inside her moving extremely slow. She grinds against fingers feeling this unbearable hunger for him she needed him. He did something  inside of her that made her jolt forward "fuck fuck fuck that feels so good" "shhh or I'll stop" she kissed his jawline and then buried her head in his neck suck softly so she wouldn't make any noise. "I know you about to cum all over my fingers but I want you to hold it" YN whined "I want you to cum in my mouth instead"

he felt her smile he picks her up taking them to the bedroom. He strips and she takes her shirt off before she could take her shorts off he was in between her legs. Licking her clit painfully slow. "Jayson please..." he slides his fingers inside of her massaging the same spot as before while creating a section around her clit "ooooou thank you thank you" she loved looking down at him. Her hands played in his curls as she moaned softly. As he got more into it he would let out a noise that sounded like a growl pulling her closer to his face .... And that made her completely lose it.

"Ohhhhhh my goshhhhhh Jayyyyyyy" she felt him smile he kissed up her body immediately sliding in "kiss me" she says he kisses her as his hips began to thrust slowly. "I really was gon tease you until I felt this pussy" she smiled "you act like you ain't know" "I rediscover you every time I feel you" "woah that was beautiful" she kissed him he smiled "you're so beautiful baby" she kissed his lips almost losing it she fumbled over her words he watched her intensely "say it baby tell me you beautiful" "I'm...beau--" "bae say it" his voice became more forceful "fuck im beautiful" "yeah you are and don't you forget that shit" "Oh God--"  he laughed slightly

"fuck you about to make me......" "you wanna cum for me daddy?" "..... oh shit" he released inside of her with no warning "mmmmmmm" it was warm it felt so good. He never stopped his hips "Jay..." "I'm not stoping bae" he kisses her it was sloppy but passionate "ohhhhhhhh goshhh" her hand came in between his hips and hers. "Wasn't expecting that... was you?" "Feels so good baby.... I'm about to—" "hold it for me and breath" "mmmmm but baby—-" "if you ask nicely" "Daddy can I cum please" his hand pushes down on her stomach so his thumb could rub her clit. "Look me in my eyes" "pleaseee?" "Yeah you can cum for me .... Let everybody know who making you cum" "Jaysonnnnnnnnnn" she said loudly "hmmmm? What's my name" "oh fuck Jayson .... Making this pussy Cum" "who pussy?" "Yourssssss" "you be creaming all on this dick you so damn beautiful.... Pretty pussy" he maintained eye contact with her as she continued to break. "Feels so good" "fuckkkk" he groaned as he released inside of her again. He pulls out slowly

"whew" she said smiling he laid down "I hope you good cause I'm tapped out" "I'm good.." she kissed his forehead laughing a little bit "good" "but if I wasn't you would have to find the energy" She stands up grabbing her big t shirt sliding it on her body and then laying back down "not today...." "You can't be cumming and then keep going that's why you so tired" "you trying to call me old?" "Yupp that's exactly what I'm saying" "even if I was old I'm an athlete I got stamina" "you didn't today... and that's okay" she laughed he rolled his eyes getting up she could tell he was annoyed so she stopped laughing but she was still smiling

  "bae I was joking"  "don't joke about our sex life... when you know I wasn't " he cuts himself off "that's a brief period in our relationship.... It's over now" "whatever" he walks out of the room after putting on shorts. She gets up following him down the stairs "what is the problem Jayson!!" "take yo ass back upstairs" "No!! because I make one joke and you're storming off" "it wasn't funny though" "Well i'm sorry" "alright" "what's the issue" "what's your issue?" "My boyfriend is mad at me....and I don't like that" she walks over to him kissing his chest looking up at him She figured if she tried the sweet approach she would get further

"Im not mad....I just--" "I hurt your feelings..?" "well....yeah" "Im sorry...You're the best lover I've ever had and I mean that" He smiled "yeah?" "the only reason I felt like I could say that is because I thought you knew that bae plus I know if I said I want some more right now you would give it to me...so I am sorry" He picks her sitting her on the island "what makes it good for you?" "babyyy" she whined "I need to hear you say it" She took a deep breath he could tell she was getting shy he found that cute

"I don't know how to explain." "try bae" "well..." he cuts her off as soon as she looks down "look at me in my eyes and tell me" She looks up at him speaking softly "well like it just seems you always know what to say and where to touch me...and I like that a lot" His fingers casually went up and down her thighs "Like I can read your mind?" "yeah.... you've opened up my eyes to things I didn't even know I liked until you said them" he kissed her lips softly. "like what" "mmmm" "Like what?" he kissed her lips asking again "that....I like it when you do that" "what I do?" He smiled "you talk to me like..you pry answers out of me but reassure me while making me feel like the sexiest woman on this planet and like I can do no wrong...you just make me feel so damn good" "i'm glad I do that for you bae"

"what I do for you?" "make me feel like nobody in the world can fuck you the way I fuck you....I honestly believe no man in this world knows your body the way that I do ....can make you cum like I do any of that" "their isn't" he kissed her lips again "niggas cant even handle you ...they wouldn't know what to do with your ass" "what you mean" "I handle you" "handle me?" "Yeah bae you know good and well I know how to put you in your place I let you be loud and talk all that shit but at the end of the day you know who's running the show" she bit her lip "I guesssss" she smiled making him smile too "deny deny deny that's fine but we know the truth" he kisses her again this time pulling her body closer to him. "We'll handle me now" "in what way?" "I want you" she whined  "one thing you did get right is I have more energy"he sighed "more energy to do what though?"

"Give you another round ... if that's what you were talking about you wanted" "what do you think I wanted?" "Yn you know you gotta say that shit don't fuckin play with me" he says roughly making her smile "I like to play with you....." "ight bet" he picks her up taking her back to the bedroom she couldn't help but smile "since you like to play with me Ima play with you... stay there don't move" he went to his bag grabbing his belt coming back to  the bed he climbs on top of her.

"Give me your hands" she hesitates so he grabbed them roughly tying his belt around them making makeshift handcuffs then he takes the shirt she has on pulling it over her head and tying it onto her headboard. "See how far you can move your hands" she moved her arms just to the point where she could see them at the top of her head "right here I think" she said softly he smiled at how she was already submitting "keep them flat on the bed" she listens watching him anticipating his next move

"You scared?" He asked staring in her eyes she shook her head no "just excited" "what you think gon happen?" He stands up "you're gonna fuck me good" "damn when if it's not good?" She swallows hard "it will be .... I have all faith in you" he smiled "you didn't think about something though" his fingers slowly started slowly going down her body she bit her lips watching his hand slowly "you thinking about something you missed?" His fingers rested right below  her tummy threatening to go lower but never doing so her breath became heavy

"what did I miss" "how bad ima tease you...." She swallowed hard "how that sound?" He asks staring in her eyes "Do I have a choice?" She almost moaned "if you want me to stop I will.... But I'm stoping everything" she bit her lip "sounds good" "so what you want me to do?" "Tease me..." "until I wanna stop?" "Yes" he leans over kissing her lips passionately his fingers slide inside of her making her gasp in between the kiss. "Don't moan" "at all?" He smiled "at all" her eyes closed "and you gotta look at me" "babyyyyyy" she whined "what?" He kissed her forehead as her hips started to move slowly against his hand

"it's a lot of rules" "want me to stop?" "No" she said softly "you hear that noise your pussy making? You loving this don't even lie to me" "I wasn't gonna lie" "focus on cumming for me" "maybe if my hands weren't tied" "too bad they are" she pouts as his thumb rubs over her clit "ahhhh" "no moaning" she bits her lip "baby" she gasp "hmmm? Tell me what's happening?" "I'm cummingggg" "that's a funny way of asking" "can I .... Please" "good girl ... cum for me" her body shakes against him he climbs on top of her kissing her roughly. "Tell me what you want from me" "Jayson... what are you doing to me" "saying thank you...now tell me" "make love to me" he climbs on top of her kissing her lips and then kissing down her body slowly "spread your legs for me" she listened but he felt like she didn't do it fast enough so aggressively forced her legs apart "what you want now?" "Untie me.... I can't —-" he started to kiss on her inner thighs making her more weak "we're getting to my favorite part" "Jayson... please" her hips wiggled as she moved them up and down he darted his tongue out making contact with her clit she shivered

"I thought you like to be tease?" "This is too much" "but look how wet you are...." He kissed her again and then licks his lips "yes" "yes what?" "I—" "stop? You want me to stop?" "Ughhhh" he smirked "is that frustration?" "Yes! I don't play with you like this" "cause you know better" the tip of his tongue carefully traced around her clit before he completely took it in his mouth "mmmmmmm" soon after his fingers were inside of her "feel like I told you not to moan.... Maybe I should stop" "no ... it won't happen again I'm sorry please don't stop" he smiled going right back to his meal he loved how her legs shook and threatened to close around his head but she stopped herself "gosh" she said softly he looks up at her groaning softly as he gets her closer and closer. He kissed up her body making it to her lips sticking his tongue down her throat

"you want more?" "Yes please" "you sure?" "Yes sir" he slides inside of her groaning softly. "I miss touching you..." he kisses her forehead pulling the belt so that the metal piece would come out of the hole and her hands can be free. "That better?" "Yes way better thank you" her hand's immediately went to his back when he slides in. "You feel so fuckin good I love you YN" "I love you to Jay" "how much?" "More than... idk bae a lot" she laughed slightly as his hips started to move slowly

"that little huh?" He smiled "no it's that much that I can't even think of something that measures up to it" "If you could measure the galaxy and count every star in it multiply it be a thousand.....that's what would measure to how much I love you" he clearly didn't want her response because he kissed her hard as his hips increased

"mmmmmmmm" she moaned into his hand while staring in his eyes he smiled "good girl" he kisses her forehead and she breaks almost immediately. "Baby.... Pleasee" "please what?" "Cum for me.... Please" he placed two fingers in her mouth she sucks them softly "yeah.... Just like that keep looking at me" he loved the feeling of her mouth sucking any part of his body.... Plus the eye contact he was definitely ready to explode and so he did. She smiled when he closed his eyes because it was too much for him. "Shit...." He said softly. When he pulled out he aimed for her stomach but it was all the way up by her boobs too. "I'm a toaster strudel?" "I should've made a design then" he laughed getting up he disappeared to the bathroom but came back quickly wiping her down.

"Thank you baby" "mhm you know I got you" "that thing you said earlier...it's really sticking with me" he sat down on the edge of the bed with a worried look on his face "what thing?" "It was so beautiful ... how you rediscover me everytime you feel me" he smiled "well that was true bae...." "Does it only apply to sex?" "Hmmm" he sat there really thinking which made her smile he starts talking again  "I don't know the answer to that because it's loaded" she bit her lip

"do you mind explaining a lil bit" he laughed "yeah um I study you everyday regardless of if we're together or apart I learn something new about you everyday so I don't know if that's rediscovering or if it's just me still getting to know you." "That makes a lot of sense" "yeah probably because it's the truth" he joked then he continued talking "come here" she sits up with the sheet wrapped around her body "yesss?" He kissed her forehead "you stuck with me .... You not go nowhere .... You hear me" she smiled "good cause I don't want too" "that's good .... Cause you no longer have that choice"

[soullikethesea]

Negative

Currently I feel a bit ashamed and disabled. I'm definitely in a burnout-type of state. Actively tired/brain foggy, feeling weird and having body aches.

Finally someone came to give the window a temporary update so that it can be opened. I don't feel happy about this??? It just feels foreign and scary. And the whole process has been so so triggering.

I got apologies three times this week, from the people involved.

And somehow that just makes it hurt more. I fucking predicted this situation and I tried everything in my power to get it fixed and it still took more than 6 months. It reminds me so much of being with my father.

He never apologized to me, of course. Or, well, one time when he was two hours late to come get me and I broke my collar bone. He still says that it was his fault. And yet his guilt and apologies do not make me feel better either. I may be broken.

The landlord stuff just makes me want to cry. It also reminds me of when I got bullied in school and I felt increasingly broken. I am missing a key-component of being human: the ability to protect myself, to show my teeth. Sometimes it feels like I don't have claws, I don't have teeth like other people do.

So even today, I befriended the handyman that neglected me. It's survival 101, isn't it? Befriend your enemy, make them care about you. If you cannot fight, befriend.

Fuck that shit. Fuck the migraine I got, fuck the changes I seem to take so hard, like the new supervisor at work. And even the window now being openable feels so Wrong. I may be autistic after all, or just traumatized, or just weird. Who even knows at this point... I wish I could talk to T, but I also don't, because I have no energy left to explain myself and guide other people towards being helpful.

I also had a low-key job interview thing going, where they forgot to call me - TWICE. I literally got stood up twice. And yes, they apologized as well. It just... it feels bad. I don't know if I'm responding in the right ways so that there is less of a chance of it happening again.

My colleague also left a ton of work to me, without asking me if I'd be OK with it. It's probably not on purpose, but that's another meh thing.

Well, I'll be fine. It seems like all of this is this level of overwhelming just because I did too many things last weekend! And that's another thing I feel pissed about. I wish I could be like a normal person and I could do things without becoming *this* exhausted. I keep comparing myself to some autistic friends I have and they are able to do so much more and it feels a little unfair sometimes. That's what makes me feel so disabled. I hate that I'm stuck within myself. I'll make the most of it, but I can't escape needing to accommodate myself and skipping out on a lot of normal/fun experiences.

Quite a few people have been asking me why I'm not doing a PhD and well, there it is. I'd need so many accommodations that it really isn't realistic. I'm not cut-out for that workload.

So here I am, listening to ASMR for some hours lying under a blanket on my carpet. Lucky that I can do something like that. Worrying a bit about how I'm going to cope without exercizing, since I found out that I injured myself last week. Ironically, I injured myself while doing PT exercises..!

When I forced myself to go into work again last night, it was like a switch flipped and I was completely fine. I liked how it felt, that I could be functional in that moment, but it does also sound a bit like dissociation...

[religion-is-a-mental-illness]

By: Abigail Shrier

Published: Dec 22, 2023

At age nine, Chloe Cole started early puberty. By age twelve, she was uncomfortable in her body; online influencers convinced her that she was in some sense really a boy. She came out to her parents as “transgender” and, not knowing what else to do, they took her to a therapist.

“They didn’t expect that by seeing a psychologist, I would just be funneled further and further into this pipeline,” Cole told a rapt audience at AmericaFest this week.

For Chloe, that pipeline meant puberty blockers at age 12 followed by cross-sex hormones. A medically unnecessary double mastectomy at age 15. By 16, she was filled with regret.

It’s easy to see this as one more ghastly entry in the macabre chronicles of gender medicine: incompetent therapists and unethical doctors deconstructing young girls’ bodies for reasons that seem alternately depraved, mendacious and confused.

But if you take a step back from the case of the detransitioners—young women shepherded into medical transitions they later came to regret—another image emerges. Not merely of therapists’ “affirming” teens’ transgender identity, specifically. But one more instance in which the Bad Feelings experts made adolescents’ bad feelings worse.

“[My parents] didn’t expect that by seeing a psychologist, I would just be funneled further and further into this pipeline,” Cole said.

Like a lot of teen girls who suddenly adopt a transgender identity, Cole’s mental health treatment preceded her gender confusion. She had been medicated for ADHD starting at age nine or ten—given escalating levels of stimulants that made her feel lousy and disconnected from her body and didn’t seem to help. She now believes ADHD was a misdiagnosis.

“In general, this model of making everything a condition—if a child is different in any way, if they’re not focusing in school, if they’re a little bouncy in class and they won’t sit in their seat—it takes the responsibility off of the adults to say, ‘Okay, let’s just medicate them. That’ll fix the problem,’” Cole told me.

Writing my last book, Irreversible Damage, involved extensive interviews with many detransitioners and American families in general.  In the course of my research, I became aware of three things: First, that unprecedented numbers of American kids were undergoing therapy or on psychiatric medication. Second, that therapists’ diagnoses were often altering adolescents’ self-understanding. And, third, that large numbers of parents had become profoundly dependent on therapists to guide their parenting and “fix” their kids.

It wasn’t only ideologically-motivated “gender therapists” who were making mischief, reifying the idea in adolescents’ minds that they were really, truly transgender. Ordinary, well-meaning therapists were doing the same, not primarily for ideological reasons. Sometimes the therapists were simply following the guidance of their accrediting organizations. But just as often, affirming the adolescent – in place of treating her – was simply par for the course. That was simply what the therapeutic relationship with the teen patient had become.

Sure, I’ll call you ‘Sebastian.’ I can see why you feel Mom’s taking away your smartphone was emotionally abusive. Losing a beloved cat can be devastating; let’s talk about coping with your grief for the next few sessions. It sounds like having to move after seventh grade was traumatic.

This model of making everything a condition—if a child is different in any way, if they’re not focusing in school … it takes the responsibility off of the adults to say, ‘Okay, let’s just medicate them, ’ Cole said.

When faced with a surly teen who isn’t yours, one you must somehow keep engaged for a potentially interminable 50-minute hour, and for whose mistakes you bear no direct emotional consequences—it’s just so easy to validate their perspective. Her mother’s decision to take away the smartphone, her pet’s death, her parents’ move—how did they make you feel? Let’s talk about your pain, every week, for years.

The rising generation is swimming in therapy. Forty two percent of Gen Z—those born between 1995 and 2012—has been in therapy (more than any other generation). Forty two percent has a mental health diagnosis. One recent survey indicates the extent of diagnosis may even be more dramatic: 60 percent of those between the ages of 18 and 26 may have been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder.

Perhaps most alarming, by 2016—long before the Covid lockdowns and well before American kids aged 2 to 8 were even on social media—almost 20% of these little ones had a diagnosed mental, behavioral, or developmental disorder.

They are receiving unprecedented levels of mental health treatment. Curiously, they also seem to be getting worse.

For well over a decade, teachers and school counselors have assumed the mandate (and curricula, and use of instructional time) to play shrink indiscriminately with kids, often styled as “Social Emotional Learning.” Parents stopped trusting their own judgment and family traditions regarding childrearing, instead relying on shrinks to guide their parenting. And we all allowed our kids’ (largely normal) bad feelings to be pathologized by the those in the bad-feelings business.

Gen Z is receiving unprecedented levels of mental health treatment. They seem only to be getting worse.

Harrison Ford made this point nicely in an interview with the Hollywood Reporter, in February of last year. A reporter had said to Ford, “Your fans online have done some armchair diagnosis, looking at things you’ve said about being shy in social situations and some of your talk show appearances. Some assume you’ve wrestled with social anxiety disorder. Are they onto something?”

“Shit,” he said. “That sounds like something a psychiatrist would say, not a casual observer.”

For the rising generation, the language of psychopathology provides the lens with which they understand themselves and each other. Where my generation would “self-diagnose” with laziness or procrastination, the rising generation might see complex post-traumatic stress disorder or ADHD.

But while laziness can be obliterated by a change of attitude and habits, a mental health diagnosis demands treatment or accommodation. Trying to lift yourself out seems futile. And so, unsurprisingly, the generation lavishly labeled with mental health diagnoses also has the least faith in its ability to meet even routine challenges or turn their lives around.

“No. I don’t have a social anxiety disorder,” Harrison Ford told the reporter. “I have an abhorrence of boring situations. I was shy when I first went onstage—I wasn’t shy, I was fucking terrified. My knees would shake so badly, you could see it from the back of the theater. But that’s not social anxiety. That’s being unfamiliar with the territory. I was able to talk myself through that and then enjoy the experience of being onstage and telling a story with collaborators.”

“No. I don’t have a social anxiety disorder,” Harrison Ford told the reporter. “I have an abhorrence of boring situations. I was shy when I first went onstage. But that’s not social anxiety.”

A case of the fantods. To overcome those, Harrison Ford didn’t require an expert or a prescription. He needed only to summon the guts.

Imagine if he’d been born in 2012 instead of 1942.  

==

You don't have a "gender," you have a personality.

You don't have a disorder, you've just never been told, "no."

This issue isn't exclusive to professional therapists. Tumblr and Twitter are filled with assholes who defend their assholery with self-diagnosed autism or "trauma." They're under the misconception that if they claim it's some kind of disorder, rather than them just being a colossal asshole, you can't complain, and they can do what they want. This also explains the multitude of "genders."

[mystic-story-lover]

~Let Me Help You~

Let Me Help You David Finlay x Sage (Female!OC) Word Count: 4035 Warnings: 18+ Drinking, Swearing, Oral (F receiving), Fingering, Penetrative sex Type: Angst/Smut Summary: David Finlay copes with losing his Never Openweight Championship A/n: This was supposed to be a comfort fic, but sometimes things change ~~~

The history stood behind David and Tama, everyone knew that. They also knew that David planned to destroy Tama’s body, his career, and his chance at winning the title. Tama merely wanted revenge, and to take everything away from the Bullet Club leader, no matter how long or how difficult it became.

“Hey, Sage, are you waiting for David?” Drilla questioned, sliding a glass of whiskey in my direction.

“Yeah I am,” I sighed, reaching for the glass that now sat in front of me. “He wanted me here for the end of his match.”

The sound of crashing interrupted any future conversation we planned to have, and I knew exactly what that noise would be. Picking up the glass, I downed the whiskey in one swallow, and sat it back down before walking to the interview area. By the time I arrived, the scene looked like a massacre, and David was laying outstretched on the floor. For a moment, I stood in silence, giving him the time to finish his interview, and to wait for the camera’s to turn off.

“Are you going to destroy a few more things?” I asked, a teasing manner in my voice.

“Now is not the time, Sage.” He replied.

“Oh come on David, you and I both know that you’ll get another shot. Challenge for your rematch if you want, but we both know Tama only got lucky.” I spoke, the teasing gone, leaving me with a serious tone, and a man shooting daggers at me.

“Lucky? You think he couldn’t do it without luck?” The anger was clear in his tone, but I was done with it. Too often he acted like a child post match, and I was over it.

“Look, I’m not having this fight with you tonight. You want to break shit and throw a tantrum like a child, by all means, be my guest. Just know that I won’t be around to pick up your mess again.” I stated, not giving him the time to respond before I turned and walked away.

Considering my options, I knew that I could go to the locker rooms to grab my bag, but that also meant running into David again. The downside of sharing the locker room with Bullet Club. That left back to the War Dogs, or straight to the hotel after asking one of them to grab my shit, which wasn’t really an option. If that was the option I chose, I knew one of them would mention to David that I was there, and that would only cause the same issue we were having. Hanging out with four loud ridiculous men it would have to be.

“Sage, you’ve come back love?” Gabe was the first to acknowledge me in the room, but once he said my name, the other three seemed to forget their previous actions.

“Your leader is a dick.” Without another word, a bottle of whiskey slid my way, this time without a glass to fill. However, I rejected the drink, not wishing to let my feelings go that way.

“He’ll come around, you’ve just got to give him time.” Clark answered the silent question everyone seemed to have.

“I’m done giving him time. Tonight’s behavior set that in stone for me.” A sigh came from behind me, and I turned to see the two men that I’d planned to avoid less than five minutes prior. “No, I’m not doing this.”

“Sage, wait. I’m sorry for how I acted, and for how dickish I was to you.” David whispered, not bothering to lift his gaze from the floor.

“Good for you Finlay, I don’t care anymore.” I spat.

I walked away from the guys, ignoring their following calls, knowing that one of them would check on me later. It didn’t matter to me, not anymore, because as far as anyone was concerned, I was done with David Finlay. No matter how many times I’d try to get through to him, the efforts were left empty, so that’s where he could be. Empty.

Hours passed since the last encounter, most of my time spent scrolling through twitter, looking at everyone’s reactions to the show. Some fans were excited for the reign of G.O.D. while others were hoping that Bullet Club retained all their titles. The mix of emotions over Finlay’s match was clear, but as I continued to scroll I was able to see a tweet of Taiji’s return against Hiromu, and a smile appeared on my face. He was one of the few friends I’d made that was still around in Bullet Club, and to say that I hoped he’d win the title, or even be the final victor at the BOSJ would be an understatement. A knock sounded on my hotel door, interrupting the peace I’d been in, and a groan escaped my lips before I forced myself off the bed. Based on earlier events, I’d half expected it to be one of the guys, but when I’d spotted David in the doorway, part of me was tempted to shut the door.

“Before you close this in my face, can you give me time to say what I need to?” He asked, the solemn expression clear in his eyes.

“Should be surprised you knew I was considering that option.” I shrugged. “But then again, it’s well deserved.” I sighed, leaning my head against the door. “Alright fine, you’ve got two minutes.”

“I’m sorry. I was a dick to you after the interview, and I shouldn’t have taken that out on you. Especially not when all you wanted to do was make my mood better.” He bowed his head, and the sound of a sniffle broke through the beat of silence that laid in the air.

“Want to order a pizza?” I relaxed my shoulders and stepped to the side, offering him the chance to enter the room.

“Really? I mean, sure, yeah, that’d be cool.” He lifted his head, a small smile spread across his lips.

“Just don’t be a dick this time, yeah?” I laughed, but he only groaned in response.

“Well if you learned not to give out so much attitude, maybe I can be nicer.” He joked back, causing me to roll my eyes.

“Oh please, as if I have an attitude.” I spoke before grabbing my cell off the table.

“Uh huh, what about all the times you’ve sassed out the guys and I at shows.” His stupid eyebrow raised, sending a shiver down my spine.

“It was well deserved.” I shrugged for a second time, and he only rolled his eyes.

Ever since he’d taken over in Bullet Club, the two of us danced around our feelings for each other. It was obvious we had them, but neither of us truly ever asked the other on dates. Sure, we flirted from time to time, and yeah, some nights one of us ended up in the other’s bed, but nothing ever happened during those moments. Our movie night binges turned into crashing in the other’s room, but it’s never gone farther than a simple flirt, and yet, my body reacted to him in ways it never did with someone else.

“Or hell, what about that time when you wore that Rebel Club crop top of yours and told me to ‘take a bite of what I truly wanted’ before shoving three plates of food at me?” Again, with that stupidly seductive eyebrow. The effect he was having seemed to be hidden to him, but I could feel it within every inch of my body.

“You just looked really hungry.” I breathed out, trying to keep control over my actions when he leaned back on his hands. The way he body looked when leaning, and the thoughts I’d had of him in this position filled my head, causing an easy distraction for me.

“Hungry, that’s how I looked?” He whispered, before lifting one hand off the bed to grab my phone.

“David, give me that!” I exclaimed, a small laugh following it. His only reply was to lift the phone above his head, forcing me to climb up for it. After a moment of him moving the hand with my phone back and forth, I was finally able to grab his wrist, and I brought it back down to my chest before unwrapping his fingers from it. Once the device was once again in my grasp, I relaxed, and realized exactly where I was. Straddling David, and only a mere inch away from his lips.

“Yeah, Sage, I think I am hungry.” The whisper almost faint to my ears, but I was able to hear what he’d said, barely in enough time before his lips found mine. The kiss was slow, almost as if it was to show the emotions between us. He was the first to pull away, causing me to whimper from the lack of him, and he only smirked at me like the cocky bastard he is.

“David–” I started to speak, but he used a finger to cover my lips.

“I want this with you Sage, not just for a night. You and I, against the world during the day, and you against the mattress begging for me at night.” Another smirk, this time he used his free hand to grab a hold of my bubblegum pink locks from the back, and lowered his finger to bring me into a painful kiss. The kind that left you breathless.

“I want this too, even when you’re being a dick.” I smirked back at him, and a low growl came from him in response. “But I have one question for you.”

“Anything you want to know, I’ll tell you.” He pressed his forehead to mine, likely expecting me to ask him about tonight, or even something to do with what we’re gonna be. Without warning, I ground down onto him, eliciting a groan in my ear. The feeling of the bulge through his gym shorts went straight to my core, and I moaned at the feeling.

“Can you back up your words with what’s in your pants?” I panted, and the cocky smirk that once again appeared on his lips made my core clench with want.

There were no words between his actions, only the feeling of his hands sliding down to my waist. When they reached their destination, David let his body weight fall against the mattress, and used his hands to bring me down with him. “Oh trust me, I can back it up.”

“Oh, fuck, David.” I moaned.

“What’s the matter Doll, you need more proof? Want my cock in you to prove it to you?” He asked, thrusting his hips up when the second question arose.

“Yes! Please David, I need your cock.” A whimper this time, one that had David breathe out slowly, clearly feeling the effects of the moment.

“Fuck, Doll, I’ve barely touched you and you’re already begging for me. I bet you’re panties are a ruined mess for me too, aren’t they?” Another question, and a nod in response from me. “Use your words.”

“Yes!” I moaned, as his lips found my neck.

Suddenly, as soon as things started, they were brought to a stop when my phone began to ring. I’d forgotten it was on the bed once I’d gotten it back from David, and the ringing sound forced a groan to fall from my lips.

“It could be from one of the guys. You should answer it.” David shrugged.

“They can wait, I have more important things in front of me.” I smirked, but he only shook his head.

“Trust me, I’m not going anywhere. If you don’t answer it, they’ll all show up here.” He pointed out, and I knew he was right. “Besides, I have an idea on how to punish that bratty behavior of yours.”

David didn’t say anything else, so I took the opportunity to roll off of him to answer the phone call. When I spotted Clark’s name, I internally groaned, knowing this call would take forever. Still, knowing it was better then the four of them appearing at my hotel room, I accepted the call.

“Hey, Clark, listen I’m really–” I’d started, but was instantly interrupted by Drilla.

“Sage, how are you? You know David was just mad right? You know he cares about you, yeah?” The rapid fire questions caught me off guard, and a small smile appeared on my face at them.

“I know, it’s just–” I stopped, noticing David get up from the bed. To cover the silence, I faked a cough, giving me a second to excuse it. “Sorry, been a minute since I had something to wet my throat down. It’s just that we’ve been walking on eggshells about how we feel, so I’m tired of the games.

“David is just scared.” Alex replied from the other line.

A gasp escaped me as David pulled down my sleep shorts, the heat of his breath falling on my legs. A sly and cocky smile appeared on his handsome face before he used his tongue to lick a stripe up my panties. “Oh” I moaned softly, completely forgetting about the call. David only used a finger to make a shushing motion against his lips before he used both hands to rip the fabric from my body.

“Sage, are you alright?” A voice questioned from the phone. I recognized it as Clark’s, but it was clear he’d been drinking from the way he slurred his words.

“Yeah, yeah I’m alright. Just whacked my arm on the table.” I bit my lip to keep from making a noise as David’s mouth covered my clit. I could feel as he began to suck on the bundle of nerves, and I tried closing my legs to prevent him from continuing while I was on the call. He had other plans, however, and used both hands to hold them open before looking up at me with his lust filled blue eyes.

“Be more careful next time.” The stern warning came from Gabe, and I sighed from the pleasure of David’s tongue. “Don’t sigh at me missy.”

“I’m sorry. Listen, can I call you guys in the morning?” I said, my mouth falling open as David slipped a finger in my entrance.

“No way, we’re here to make you feel better.” Another set of slurred words falling out of Clark’s mouth.

“Here? What do you mean here?” I asked, suddenly pulling my phone from my ear to put it on speaker.

“We’re at your hotel, maybe three doors down from your room.” Alex replied.

David stopped in his tracks upon hearing the answer, and it took nearly everything in me to keep from begging for him to return to his spot between my legs. When he pulled himself off the bed, I saw the annoyed look on his face, right before the knock on my door. The sound of a call ending came from my cell, and before I could move, David pulled the sheet over me. He moved the few feet of distance their was to the door, and opened it fully, to allow the guys see that I was in fact just in bed.

“I’ve got a half naked Sage waiting for me to finish making her come, what do you want?” David barked out, and I watched as a shocked expression appeared on each of their faces.

“You could be nicer to them.” I laughed to which I heard a chuckle fall from his lips.

“Hmm, be nice or finish what we started faster. Which would you prefer, Doll?” The teasing tone coming from him caused me to smile.

“We could give them a show.” I winked at him, but instead of saying anything, David only shut the door and stalked his way back to me.

“Let’s leave now before they start again.” Drilla groaned, and I could hear the others agree in union. David and I laughed at the scene from the other side of the door, and as he made his way toward the top of the bed, he placed a kiss on my lips, forcing me to taste myself.

“Hmm, you know what sounds better than your face back between my legs?” I aired the question, and he raised his eyebrow for a response. “Your cock in the same spot.”

“I think you’re right about that. How about we find out?” He didn’t give me a moment to answer before he reached for my hands to pull me in a sitting position. Once I was up, his hands got to work quickly removing my shirt, and he let out a breath when my bare chest was on full display for his eyes. In a second, both of his hands had thrown my shirt on the floor and found their way to my breasts. “Been thinking about these since we started.”

I gasped as his fingers slid down until he found my nipples, giving them a tug for extra pleasure. As he kept his silence, David coaxed me back down on the bed before he pulled his own shirt from his body. Instinctively, my hands reached for his sides, as if it were to be a post match massage like I’d given him countless times before. Instead, David swatted my hands away, and began to make his way toward the edge of the bed. Before I knew he was fully down there, he’d removed the last of his clothing, and climbed onto the bed once again.

“David, please, I need you.” I moaned, and David kept climbing before kissing me once again.

“Don’t worry Doll, you have me.” He smiled before placing a kiss on the tip of my nose. While distracted by the kiss, I didn’t see David slide his hand down until I felt his fingers circling my clit. My back arched, and a chuckle escaped David’s lips, clearly happy with the reaction.

With no warning or time to adjust, David slid into me and began at an animalistic pace, and my arms wrapped around him. Using the opportunity, I drug my nails down his back, likely leaving red marks. David hissed at the feeling, his pace picking up, causing me to moan. The sound of skin against skin filled the room, followed by the noises leaving our lips.

“Fuck, Doll, you’re clenching me so hard.” David’s pace faltered slightly, and a growl fell from his lips. “I want you to come with me.”

“Oh David, that feels so good.” I moaned as his skilled fingers found my clit for the second time, my orgasm approaching quickly. I could feel the coil tightening in my stomach as David continued his pace.

“You feel so good wrapped around my cock. Fuck, could get used to the feeling of you squeezing me like this.” His free hand found my breast again, squeezing it, as the filthy words were spoken. “Could do this for a lifetime with you.” A whisper this time, one that probably wasn’t supposed to be heard by me, but the thought of spending a lifetime with him, it sent butterflies to my stomach.

Without saying anything to him, I reached up and pressed both of my hands against his cheeks. I looked at him, truly looked at him, and noticed the way the dark lust had left his eyes, leaving them with an entirely different emotion. Love.

“Fuck, fuck David I’m going to come.” I panted, still holding his face between my fingers.

“Yeah, you’re gonna come for me? Fucking do it Doll, make a mess on my cock.” David spoke, giving one last tug to my nipple, sending me over the edge.

My back arched as I could feel as my entire body shivered from the feeling. Three more pumps and David pulled out, jerking himself off before hot ropes of cum landed on my stomach. I smiled up at him, all fucked out, and a soft smile was returned.

“Here, let me grab you a cloth.” He spoke before turning to step into the bathroom. I whistled once his back was to me, seeing the clear scratches down his back and a clear shot of his ass.

“Been thinking about that ass since we started.” He threw his head back at my words before flipping me off. His laugh was like none other, filled with joy, but still unique in its own way.

David came back with a warmed washcloth, and cleaned up the remnants of what we’d done off my stomach. I sighed at the feeling, the warmth against my skin, and knew that this was going to be more than once. Once he’d finished with the cloth, he tossed it into the bathroom before grabbing his shorts and two other pieces of clothing off the floor. As he stood back up, I saw that it was his shirt and the underwear I’d been wearing that day.

“I’m gonna call one of the guys and have them bring my bag down to your room. That way I can get you a clean shirt of mine to wear.” David spoke before grabbing his phone from the pocket of the gray shorts he’d come here wearing.

“I can wear one of my own,” I protested. “You don’t have to go out of your way for this.” David shook his head at that, and I knew it was an empty attempt to stop him, so I only reached my hand out for him instead. He grabbed it, using the moment to take a step closer, and gave me a chance to pull myself up. When my body was in a sitting position, I leaned my head against his stomach, savoring the feeling as his hands began to play with my hair. Within five minutes, there was a knock on the door, and David sighed before pulling himself from the tenderness of what we had. He left to the door, opening it slightly before pulling the bag in, giving me the chance to see a disgusted look on Gabe’s face.

“David, you didn’t put your clothes on before opening that.” I groaned while still managing a laugh.

“Oops. Now go back to your room Gabe, I’ve got a woman to get back to.” David made an expression I couldn’t see, but it caused a redness to appear on the blonde man’s cheek. Without ever saying a word, Gabe took off, and David returned, bag in hand, back to me. He stopped as he approached the dresser, adjusting his bag so it was on the floor, and unzipped it. It took a moment, but he’d found what he was looking for, pulling out a shirt and a second pair of shorts for him to wear. Safely, he tossed the shirt at me, and I slid it over my head, watching as David slid his second leg into the open area of his bottoms. When he was finished, he started to make his way to me, stopping halfway to grab something off the floor again. As he stood, I noticed that he held the same underwear, and I watched as he tossed them into his bag. “Stealing those from you.”

“So I see. Good thing I have plenty others to wear for you.” I winked at him.

“For me?” His question was followed by a frown, and I knew in that moment he’d been thinking this was only for a night.

“David, we’ve both got feelings for each other, that much is clear, and now we’ve had sex. I think that could qualify us as a couple.” I smiled, beginning to stand.

“Fuck, I didn’t think you’d want anything past tonight after how I treated you.” He sighed, shaking his head.

“Sure you were a dick, but I’m a big girl who can handle that. Besides, I could do this for a lifetime with you.” I repeated his words from earlier, a soft smile falling onto my lips.

“You heard that, huh?” He asked, jokingly, as he took the remaining steps and wrapped his arms around me. “Good, cause I want a lifetime with my girl. That’s who you are Doll, my girl.” He sighed.

[imanes]

hi imane! i hope ur doing well <3 i just wanted to ask: what do you do during times of uncertainty? im a uni student abt to go on placement and I've been applying for part-time jobs that's centred around my field but to no avail sadly :/ i wanted to save up at least so i wouldn't stress during placement and everything's so overwhelming.. there are other external factors that's making me feel this way too like a friendship break-up i had few months ago and its affected me quite badly but im starting to pick myself up again. anyways sorry for the rant and i hope ur day is lovely x

hey! just sat down after hours of procrastination to work on my dissertation and i wish i were done already akjdkfgj but it could be worse!! ok it's gonna be long and probs unhelpful but i know that you wanted to vent more than you thought i was holding some solution so I'll just ramble and hope something resonates with you lmao <3

for me uncertainty makes me feel like my life is in shambles, it's hard to cope with things going south and not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel but during my yearly flop era in march/april i had a talk with a friend who's much older, wiser, and more experimented, and basically it helped me put things into perspective and learn how to let go. there are only so many things that you can control so i split my different issues into different categories for a more systemic approach to my problems lol: things that i can actually somewhat control (my emotions, my reactions, my efforts, what i can do moving forward to alleviate some of my stress), things that are out of my control (how people misconstrue me, external stressors like shitty coworkers, refusals from jobs i was applying for) and things (and people) that i don't need in my life. learning to let go of things for me internationally infamous control freak was not easy but it was liberating, idk if you're religious so if you aren't the next part isn't going to be helpful lol but i don't think i should be chasing things because i am exactly where i am meant to be, and if i start clutching at the things that aren't meant to be in my life, it's just my ego getting in the way, and i prayed that Allah just lets me find the place that i would fit better in and that He'd take me away from it if i wasn't going to be doing or feeling good there. i guess the non-religious version would just be to trust the process and understand that things in life wax and wane, whether it be job opportunities or relationships. obviously there's like a plethora of other factors like what do i do if i can't pay the bills and stuff? that was how i was thinking just a couple of months ago when my dissertation was not writing itself and nobody was hiring me! but a few weeks have passed and looking back on it i was starting to chase things again and it made me feel like i was stuck in a rut when in fact it's normal for things to take some time to settle down and for opportunities to arrive.

so basically whether you stress about it or not, literally nothing is going to change except the way you frame it in your head. for me i just continued applying and gave interviews my all while also being detached enough to simply trust myself to find the space that i was meant to occupy eventually, and after many many many rejections i finally found something a week ago, but it took a couple of months of steady job application to get there. looking from the other side of the mirror it's easy to say things like "don't get discouraged!" but it is true that if you keep throwing shit at a wall something's going to eventually stick, hence the power of consistency and of never giving up.

i'm glad you're slowly building yourself back up after your friendship break-up, i know how much it can drag you down but again some people are meant to be with you for a season only and at the end of the day with the effect of time making things more bearable and by working on your self-esteem and knowing that you can do things that you set your mind to, whether it is finding a part-time job or picking yourself back up, in a few weeks you're gonna look back on where you were mentally at when you sent me this message and where you'll be then and you'll thing "well i guess things DO pass huh who would've thought!!" lol life is a cycle of stability and unsteadiness, doesn't matter how much you prepare something's always going to go sideways but another truth is that things fall back into place again and you have to have faith in that, in yourself, and maybe in something else like i am w/ my relation to religion if u need extra help. speaking of help if you have a support system, confide in them and let them carry some of that weight for you!! you'd do the same for them so don't feel like you're a burden for needing help when you are facing instability. wishing you the best of luck and i really hope you find a good part-time job before your placement babe

[tutuandscoot]

If you met Tessa and Scott, what would you say to them or ask them? (Individually and together)

OOOFF!!

What a loaded question

I’m going to take this as “What would you ask if you got to interview them” because there’s no way in hell I would cope in a M+G situation I would be awkward AF, sweat, stutter, cry probably, most likely faint.. nah I need a few hours and half of that will be me trying not to sweat and cry.

You would not believe the amount of times I have fantasised about getting to interview them! I’m not saying I would be good at it but so often they always get asked the same questions and that’s partly the reason they give the same answers.. one thing I would manage to do though is not ask them about any “‘’’’’’’ relationship””””” stuff- at least the typical way it’s always asked

Also I have been secretly hoping someone would ask me this so I would have an excuse to post my answers coz honestly I feel like a dick just posting this fantasy of mine unprompted

I’m gonna say before hand that some of this stuff is probs too personal and I wouldn’t necessarily expect them to answer- like when I go to ask them I would likely say ‘if this is too personal you don’t have to answer’. I think if it was maybe asked in the right way or with the right intentions- which I don’t feel a lot of interviewers in general have, they would answer though. So anyway just saying that up front so I don’t have to say it in every third sentence below.

So for me there’s two main things I’m really interested to hear from them that I don’t feel they have ever discussed in depth.

1. I am really fascinated with their physical relationship. This is everything from technical partnering- dance, lifting etc, choreography and movement language, storytelling, and then physical intimacy including things like The Hug, their handhold (the handy holdy) and then just the way they handle each other- the softness, the gentlenesss, the heart eyes, the closeness. Then how all of this plays with their connection and communication and all the things they talk about that went into cultivating their partnership- how that manifests physically.

That is very wide reaching and I think I would need at least 3 hours just to talk about all of that stuff (I would legit need like 5 hours with both of them, then like an additional two hours each of them alone so they can brag about each other hahahahahahahah) but that’s where a lot of my fascination lies and none of those things I think they have really talked about in depth in any other interview. The first few points are because I’m (was) a dancer and worked a lot with partners, but I never had the opportunity to work with any one partner for a long time nor get to any kind of performance based physical intimacy/connection with (very few stage dancers do coz you never have just one partner your whole career, much less from the age of 7/9- you don’t usually start learning proper partnering till teenage years). The rest is the stuff we all go googly eyes about and you legit don’t see it with other couples (dance pairs and just couples in general). The way they handle each other is so insanely beautiful and I would want to know if they are aware of it or its just so natural they don’t realise.

So, lets break these down into actual questions/proper subsections/dot points to launch off from (coz if one of them starts saying something interesting I’m following them down that train of thought).

Q1:

A) Can you discuss the evolution of your partnering, how as you grew older, stronger and more mature that developed. B) In your book you talk about working with Cirque du Soleil performers to develop your lifts but is there more you can elaborate on that- how you created them, developing program/character specific lifts, transferring from floor to ice (maybe get them to talk about 3 examples of lifts: Pink Floyd serpentine lift, original Funny Face curve lift, Carmen/MR rotational lift). C) How much ballet/ballroom pdd/partnering training did you do off ice (throughout career) and how did that aid you on the ice- closeness and body positions, your movement in harmony is so superior, transferring those techniques to the ice and adapting them for the steps, turns, glide, physics etc.

Q2:

A) once you developed (and continued to develop) your partnering technique- your way of individually moving together as one along with things like lifts, as that trust, safety, comfort with each other grew as far as the physical, athletic component of the sport, how did you then develop your movement- I’m gonna say ‘language’ together? You have said that you felt you became known for having a certain ‘lyrical’ style, yet your body of work proves you are the most versatile team in history. Personally, watching you I feel your style really comes from a much deeper connection and understanding of this language in how you moved together- no matter the specific dance style. So what was developing that language like? Did you find it came naturally as you matured, found styles/music you latched (pun intended) onto? Did you have to refresh/refine/redefine it often/occasionally? (Like working with Jean Marc).

B) Did that language change a bit with each program or was it this constant that you took with you into each new piece? How did the process of developing characters affect the choreographic process- say with something like Carmen or MR, more character driven, and how did that differ to looser themed programs like say Mahler or Latch- where the story is less obvious but very important to the two of you in how you convey movement together. What role did improvisation play in discovering movement?From personal experience I know its always different, but did you find there was a natural rhythm and process to how you found movement together- when one of you move did the other naturally find how to hold or complement the other? I imagine after so long together less and less verbal communication was needed to find movement and your bodies just naturally found each other and moved for each other.

C) You’ve mentioned briefly previously about working with acting coaches, and how especially in the comeback you found this… slightly method-ish approach of starting your movement, interactions and emotion from within- letting how you each feel inform how you interact- along with using character driven prompts, and this allowed each time you danced/practiced it to feel different and in the moment, and like you were really having an experience with each other in the world of your program.. can you elaborate more on that- what was entailed in working with the acting coach, what kind of things did you do, what other acting techniques did you employ? Would you say, speak to each other as your characters, obviously dancing you are communicating through movement but did these kind of things help you in discovering and learning about your characters? I find the way you two dance everything is so informed by what the other does, in a somewhat spontaneous way as if you are really living it in the moment like it hasn’t happened yet (sorry I’m trailing off).

Q3:

A) So there’s these two things you guys do that is pretty unique to you as a team: First thing is The Hug. I know you’ve been asked about it a few times before and it became this quite fascinating process to watch. It must be such a hard thing to verbalise because, the meaning is so internal and emotional, what you’re doing is quite simple but I imagine there’s really a lot going on. So I know how that sort of ritual started but, I’m sure like your dancing and skating and partnership as a whole as you went through more and more experiences together, if you can put it into words what did that ritual of the hug come to symbolise? What else was going on within it? The idea of getting your heartbeats to synchronise is I think maybe the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard, so did you ever get them to and maybe in your desire for achieving that… I don’t know I just have this idea in my head that when you started working with B2Ten through heart rate and blood pressure monitoring or whatever they were able to get you to synch up so quickly and efficiently- not so it became robotic, but so it became more automatic and you knew it was gonna be there but then also I can imagine it being your special ritual that was your’s and no one was allowed to touch it and whether some days its was easier or not it had to be this completely natural process.

B) The second thing is, and I’m fully aware this seems like an odd thing to notice and have thoughts about, but within the kind of nature and traditional ‘rules’ within your sport, is often when you guys would be stroking around the ice on like a practice or warm up, is you hold hands, like properly rather than dance hold like, pretty much all other teams do. And, on first glance it doesn’t seem like a big deal but when you notice no one else does it its quite obvious. Then when you watch more, you notice that you guys have to change back to dance hold for things like bows and getting into partnering, so it’s not super convenient-that’s why dance hold exists. But I also just think it’s so indicative of you guys being this TEAM.. like it just makes you appear so strong and together, and less like this distanced dance pair. I know you’ve said- in relation to your IWTHYH exhibition, that “holding each other’s hand is the most intimate thing two people can share”, and I thought that was so inspiring, and I think really says a lot about your partnership- that you can show your love for each other through the most simple of gestures. So I’m wondering was this a conscious decision to start holding hands like this, and progressively more and almost exclusively when you came back in 2016, or was it like with the hug it just happened one day and you found you really liked it a lot more than dance hold? Was it ever noticed by coaches or judges or officials etc and frowned upon? What do you feel that hand hold gave you? It feels like watching you there was just this sense of empowerment and invincibility- not immune to failure or anything, but you were just stronger. It feels very empowering.

Q4:

(this would be prefaced with “if its too personal…..”) So I’m really curious about the physical intimacy you guys share- not only on the ice but somewhat off ice too. From the outside it’s obvious you guys have this beautiful, caring loving relationship- that’s obviously more, or deeper then a normal friendship, but also because it’s platonic… it’s just so unique. And don’t know if you guys realise it.. I mean you know the way you are is not like other ID couples, and I’m not asking this from the pov of what most portrayed as ‘romance’ but the way you guys are with each other is so beautiful, like you’re so gentle with each other and just the way you hold each other and look at each other like the world could be ending around you and you wouldn’t blink. And when I see it I don’t think ‘romance’ I just see these two people, living so artistically and you just have this aura as if your souls are connected, when you’re together it’s like the air is thinner, or as you’ve said creating this bubble where you only see each other and that’s such a safe space. So I guess what I’m curious to know is what does that mean to both or you? Being able to be that way, so unashamedly, was it always that easy or when did it become easy? Whether it’s kinda in the context of a program practice or just, I guess it’s being each other’s support system and confidant. I know you’ve kinda called bs in the past at the idea that anything that you do is played up for the crowd or the judges- I mean there is that in ice dance of convincing the judges of chemistry- but you guys never needed to, so it really just seems like it comes from this place of overwhelming love and care for each other. I know you’ve both said that you are very sensitive people and I can kinda see that in the way you treat each other that your always so aware of the others feelings and energy. Its just really beautiful, and then you see that gentleness in your partnering as well. It’s an odd thing to explain.. S I remember you saying how when T came back after surgery and you were being so gentle with her, afraid she would break. I think that’s so sweet, but then in a way, it’s like that softness continued and you’re both that way with each other and it’s not out of fear of the other breaking, its just this care and kind of, protection of each other, almost on a spiritual level. I’m sorry this rambled on forever, so I guess this was just a long complement for the both of you but if you may I’d love to know what your thoughts on that are, if you were consciously aware of it, and I guess, if you miss it- being able to be that close and physically caring of each other. To watch from the outside it’s very emotional and, if I’m reading it right, the care you have for each other is so visceral, I just wonder if it felt that magical for the two of you, after so long it still seemed just as special and emotional.

Follow up: how do you reconcile the physical nature of your relationship - all that in between stuff- the not choreography or the performing, with how you are removed from that. I think the way you treat each other off ice- out of that ‘athletic partnership’ just as best friends is so beautiful, unique and full of love as well, but it is different- it inevitably is out of that athletic/artistic space. Do any of those moments linger with you once you leave the ice for the day? Do they cause conflicting emotions? Is it something that you feel content with keeping in your safe space on the ice or the studio?

*this question/comment would be something I would want to ask them separately as well- obviously word it more specifically for each of them. Full disclosure I would one million% feel awkward AF asking them this but I still really want to know and since there’s a 0.000000001% change of me actually getting to interview them I can just be here feeling my usual amount of awkward.

2. The other thing I’m really curious about is their unwavering commitment to each other. Their unbreakable loyalty. Truly why skating with someone else was never an option- like at all. Why they wouldn’t do DWTS or BOTB or perform one-off with other partners, let alone form a new competitive partnership. When that really started to set in that they would only do this with each other. Beyond the work they put in starting at a really young age of cultivating respect and strong work ethic, why they chose so early on to only be with each other. Do they consider their partnership to be this exclusive thing like that of making a vow to each other. The way they often talked and still talk about how special it was…

So I think these questions maybe a little briefer. These again are questions I would ask them both together and separately. There’s something interesting about this/these questions, the topic of them, I think this is something they would often discuss privately together, but feel less comfortable answering together. I’m not sure, I just know based on things they’ve said how they would talk openly about how they felt about each other and things like.. that they told each other their biggest fear was letting the other down, that they are happier for each other then themselves, or they care more for each other than themselves. Yes they have admitted saying this stuff (that’s how I know) but I wonder would a question like this- their commitment to each other be more openly answered separately then together- that they would discuss this stuff, how they feel privately together but not publicly together. Does that make sense??

Ok so some specific questions:

Q1: Can you discuss your commitment to each other? It’s so obvious based on the fact you never wanted to change partners, stuck with each other through injuries and semi-retirement, actual retirement, all the pressure and outside people nit picking at your partnership and off-ice relationship, protecting your amazing friendship and kinda companionship in each other for so much of your lives. The strength of your bond and commitment to each other just seems stronger then steel. You wouldn’t even do DWTS or BOTB- dance/skate professionally with other partners. Is your partnership to the both of you, somewhat of an exclusive- “marriage”- like commitment to each other-not an actual marriage but a commitment to each other that you would never break? Was it this combination of the work you put in and learning to care for and respect one another for the success and growth of your partnership, and along with that developed this genuine emotional connection?

Follow up: the way you often talk about it, not just what you say but the emotion with which you say it, it really feels like it was just so special to you and it was in a sense, like this love language- a language only the two of you spoke, and it was this thing that was so necessary you take care- that you took care of each other, and this partnership. This connection where it seemed like if one of you felt broken the other could feel it to. It’s sometimes like when I hear you get asked about dancing/skating with other people there’s this hurt and fear in your voices about the thought of having to do this without each other. You’ve said how the thought of singles skating is terrifying and what gave you so much strength was having each other. So what was that like? Can you describe some of the emotional factors behind protecting your partnership throughout your skating career?

Follow up: how important is it to the both of you that each other is the one that you have in a sense, for a huge part of your life, trusted with your life- your emotions, your wellbeing, your insecurities, your body, your heart. And how important is it to you that even now, you protect that bond and keep it as this incredibly strong and loving relationship even though your life circumstances are very different?

Follow up: do you consider yourselves to be part of each others family?

(I’m aware these questions are very long winded. In an interview situation I would try to cut them down- I hate when the interviewer talks too much- but that’s when it’s about themselves and not the interviewee- for me I just want to give them so much praise and complements and- not talk about myself but tell them how they make me feel- maybe give them a glimpse at what it’s like to witness from the outside these smaller things others haven’t brought up before).

Ok, now for some individual questions. As I said a lot of the stuff above I would also ask them individually because of the way they gush about each other there is stuff you would maybe get when the other is not there- this being a huge dilemma is they just think the freaking world of each other that the whole interview may be spent complementing each other. However I will say it’s amazing how good they are at accepting complements to their face- so often that can be cringy (unless you’re a narcissist) but I think they can take it so maturely because they DO think the world of each other so its easy to look each other in the eye and say think is what I think and feel about you because they know it is honest and they feel the same way.

Some questions first for Tessa: (I’m not gonna go in depth on these ones)

Her ballet/dance upbringing. Did she do exams (if so what syllabus) when did she go on/how long was she on pointe for (I doubt when they moved away and were skating full time she bothered with pointe shoes in the ballet she did do, not often at least) did she compete in solo/group dance competitions like with skating. What’s her favourite ballet/dance production, if she could perform one principal ballet role what would it be

Preparing skates: breaking in, care etc (compared to say pointe shoes- there is a whole process I imagine there would also be with skates I would just want to know everything about that coz I find it interesting) - I could ask either of them this really

I would like to ask her about that physical intimacy stuff without Scott- just from a female pov and being in a dance/performance environment- so it’s not your actual ‘SO’ partner, being so beautifully treated in that ‘dance partner’ relationship so there’s that element of friendship but mostly professionalism and a bit of presentation, what that felt like and yeh…. Does she miss it.

Scott:

I would probably just geek out over The Office with him. Bond over Modern Family quotes and being able to remember really random lines of dialogue.

This was touched on in the KOP podcast but I would go into more depth about his artistic journey. His relationship with the artistry side of the sport, other topics of that nature. Also that period in their teens when they made two big moves/coaching changes, how that affected him on top of puberty- as he says he could be a bit of a dick (and could’ve been nicer to Tessa) back then. How did he manage that then and how does he reconcile it now- its not a bad thing, we all go through shitty stages through our teens and when they were legit training for the olympics (2006) and winning international juniors comps- the pressure both from the outside and on themselves would be challenging to deal with- also the affect moving away from his family had on him.

One final question for both of them: WTF was that water bottle shit they had going on at that press conference at Finlandia Trophy in 2011??

[lesbiansandco]

Hi

I read the CES letter and LTMW, and i am not sure how to cope with this.

I feel like my safety net has been yanked away and i don't know to deal with it and aaaaggghhhh

i don't want to go to conference

i really don't

idk i just need some tips on how to deal with all of this please

~ pimo anon

Hi again God, that really sucks that you're dealing with all this. Make sure to do some self care, and take care of yourself <3 It's going to take a while for you to process things. You may find yourself swinging between grief, and anger, and longing, and every other emotion under the sun. You'll be feeling a lot, and it'll hurt, so take some time to do things that make you feel good and happy. Being pimo sucks, and I get it. I don't know you or your parents, so I don't know if telling them you're no longer in the church will go well or not (and whatever you do, DON'T feel like you have to tell them, and DON'T take unplanned/unnecessary risks if you can help it), but if you do have to keep going to church stuff until you move out or something, I have a few tips: - Bring something to doodle with, a sudoku book, coloring book, your phone, anything to church so you don't have to focus on what's being said - https://www.tumblr.com/lesbiansandco/722582838417965056/in-case-anyones-curious-i-have-found-a-way-to <- my way of getting out of tithing - Sitting in the back of young womens or sunday school and not really participating can help with the second hour - Ofc you could just hide in the bathroom if you want - Important: you CAN say no to things! prayers, callings, helping out with activities, etc. (However, mormons don't seem to like the word no (at least the ones I know) so you may have to repeat yourself) - Lie your way through temple recommend interviews As always, you can send me asks or DM me, and especially with conference coming up if you need someone to talk to I'm here And if you have discord and would be interested, I'm in an exmormon server that's fairly active: https://discord.gg/KxCXHUcy I really wish you the best. Stay safe <3

[greatestlost]

(—) ★ spotted!! LEAH KENNEDY on the cover of this week’s most recent tabloid! many say that the 21 year old looks like KAIA GERBER, but i don’t really see it. while  the SOCIALITE is known for being SINCERE my inside sources say that they have a tendency to be PROMISCUOUS.  i swear, every time i think of them, i hear the song YOU’RE GONNA GO FAR BY NOAH KAHAN {she&her/ cisfemale}

leah has quite literally always been in the public eye - her mother was pregnant with leah during the first season of kicking it with kennedy’s, and the first season’s finale featured heavily on leah’s birth

she was america’s baby girl basically !!! everyone felt like they were connected to leah since they got to watch her grow from day one

being the youngest presented her the most opportunities because everyone knew the kennedy kids were gonna be stars by the time she could form a full sentence

in interviews leah would always get asked “do you ever wish you were a normal kid?” but like, that wasn’t a thing for her. leah grew up with paparazzi at every dance lesson, every birthday party, even her kindergarten graduation

all the kennedy kids had their things and leah ultimately made hers dancing where she danced at a highly prestigious, and incredibly expensive, dance studio for a good chunk of her life

she was talented and her teacher adored her so she got countless solos, got entered into every competition, and spent more hours learning with her teachers in private lessons than she did on school work 

with the combination of kiwtk and her dance prowess, leah was sought out for nearly every role in film and television that required a dance role

she loved dancing and even loved acting, and by age twelve decided that one of those would be her careers

besides growing up in the spotlight, leah grew up as normal as she could until around fourteen when she started high school and life kind of hit her like a ton of bricks

the stress of acting, dancing, and the reality show caught up with her and she just couldn’t handle it

her dance lessons went from nearly twelve a week to four times a week, causing concern for her family, her dance teachers, and even the public

rumors started spiraling and everything from a pregnancy scandal to a secret cocaine addiction was thrown around

the truth was she was just stressed and she wasn’t the six year old prima ballerina that everyone wanted her to be still

she found that nothing made her feel better ,,, except for sex!!! it was such an endorphin rush and a lot of times she was able to find boys who were friends of friends of friends so of course they drooled at the chance to sleep with the kennedy baby and she saw an opportunity for stress relief and someone to rant about life to for a hour

the habit continued on for years and led to her getting a reputation of a slut with tabloid articles entitled “leah kennedy’s body count: higher than her networth?!” which hurt her like a bitch

leah was a crybaby and sensitive and cared way too much about what people thought of her so the mean comments about her sleeping around pushed her into quite literally the only coping skill she had, you guessed it, sleeping around!

by the time she was eighteen and old enough to attend college, leah came up with the grand idea of moving abroad and going to some rich bitch school in england

she moved away and tried to hide her identity but of course it didn’t work, and after two years she kind of hated being away from home. the only reason she left home was to escape her reputation, but it followed her around (mostly because she never found a new coping mechanism and besides, sex sells)

leah has been back in california for just about a year and she’s been able to book a few acting roles to occupy her time but now every time she gets a role, people ask if she’s sleeping with the director

leah is basically in a catch twenty two: sex makes her feel better. her reputation of a slut makes her feel worthless.

wanted connections can be found here. pinterest can be found here. 

[daddyd0nt]

Oh my god the responses are nauseating how could this be any human's response to the genocide of civilians. When "The Muslims" knocked down the twin towers (we all know who really knocked down the towers but for the sake of argument lets pretend that it actually was just some random young Muslim men whose passports survived an impact so hot that Jet fuel apparently melted steal beams which once again i know is impossible but just for the sake of argument) there was this same sentiment. The Muslims are violent freedom-hating animals and every Muslim child will grow into a dangerous Muslim adult who wants to invade your country and cut your clit off (my dad showed me grainy footage of a clitoridectomy a few weeks after 9/11 and explained that thats what the Muslims wanted to do to me and why they needed to die). People wanted revenge (especially in NY, I live less than an hour outside the city, there were multiple kids in my school who lost family members in the attack).

These people are still swept up in the rage of October 7th and until they spill enough blood to feel like they have gotten their revenge (which is every Muslim man woman and child) they still see themselves as the noble defenders against a "barbarian" uprising. My Jewish friends were deeply traumatized by October 7th, it was the first reminder in a long time that it has never been safe to be Jewish. Some of them have coped with zionism-lite, condemning specifically the violence against civilians but excusing it as necessary to beat Hamas. They see Hamas as being like the Taliban or Isis even though Hamas at this point is mostly teenage orphans throwing stones and improvising explosives. Until the hostages are released they see every action as a necessary evil to rescue the hostages, and believe that the Muslims could choose to end their suffering at any moment by releasing the hostages and returning to the unjust status quo. To them it is justified because it isn't just a land dispute, it is a holy war and god is on their side (in a way it is just a continuation of the crusades).

Theres a lot of mental gymnastics going on to justify atrocities because the Jewish people are still fairly freshly traumatized from their own genocide, the Holocaust was 2 generations ago (recent enough that I interviewed survivors for a school project in 11th grade and talked to survivors of the Demin suicide and was told by little old ladies that lived in rural areas that they had no idea there were camps or a genocide going on and that the only sus incident she remembers is once a shipment of soap came into her town and there was a rumor it was made with human fat), and my zionist-leaning friends genuinely from the bottom of their hearts believe that if there is not a Jewish state, there will be another Holocaust, and that the existence of a Jewish state is the only thing thats been holding off another Holocaust all these years. But even them, they pray for the innocents killed, they pray for an end to the conflict and the safe and swift return of the hostages, they condemn the IDF targeting civilians, they pray that God will not forsake them like he did less than 100 years ago. There HAVE been an increase in antisemitic crimes since October 7th. When the bombing happened, people were openly celebrating the idea of death to Jews. Like I said, the Jews are a traumatized people, and when you are acting from a place of trauma it is easy to justify the unjustifiable.

Even my Zionist friends are disgusted with what Israel is dong to the Muslim population. These people commenting are not Zionists, they are likely not even Jews, they just hate Muslims and are happy to see them killed in any way. If they ran out of Muslims to kill, they'd literally start killing the Jews next, they don't care about the cultural trauma the Jewish people have suffered or the fear of being a displaced people without a homeland making them vulnerable to genocide. That being said, there ARE a lot of Jewish people in the IDF who appear to have switched from "Never again" to "we deserve a turn, too" and that is deeply scary

I can't believe this world contains such heartless people‼️

With a heavy heart, I ask you to help my family by donating any amount. It will make a difference in protecting them.