#I have an intense relationship w humor like i expect a guy to be funny im being serious

[idontmindifuforgetme]

is eye-raq white boy the same one ur friends were saying don't catch feelings for??? habibti whaaaaat are you doing

I can’t even remember which guy you’re referring to but can I just say this has the same energy as me telling my guy best friend I have a study date w a guy today and him going “which one”

[imatechbummerliketomholland]

I wish this trip never ends (sstbthw part 2) - h.h

Word count: 3768

Warning: angst, swear, mention of smoking

Pairing : harry holland

Request: no.

N/A: okay, i took me almost a whole month to write this but i'm kinda need to work on school too. Remember, english is not my first language, so be kind if you spot mistakes, i really tried my best. I asked you who the reader was supposed to end up with ... I'll let you figure it out but ... don't hate me for the end ... because after all ... it might not be the end. Don’t hesitate to tell me what you think of the fic! Love you all! xx

taglist : @angeliquekalampoka , @harryhollandsgirlfriend (the one and only harry holland's girlfriend to me)

ღღღ

previously - and you can find part 3

Restoring a relationship of trust and regaining the bond that you both had was particularly difficult. You had to learn to find your place in Harrison's life, but also in his relationship with Grace. You were roommates and friends, but it was complicated to plan meetings with Harrison's busy schedule. Between his job search after the cancellation of his Netflix series, his photo shoots, his dates with Grace, those with his family. It was getting harder and harder to find a moment to reunite with the two of you. It was without counting your schedule.

You were supposed to meet at noon for lunch at that restaurant Harrison told you about where he took his mother earlier this year, for Mother's Day. You felt uncomfortable going to such a place. It was very fancy; you had taken a look at the menu and you knew in advance that you would not be able to afford to split the bill. That was sometimes one of the downsides of being friends with Tom and Harrison. They sometimes forgot that their salary was significantly higher than yours. After all, they were still simple, good-natured guys, never saying no to a quick takeout meal or ordering pizza, drinking a beer at the local pub. And sometimes, they offered to go to prestigious places, not paying attention to money, wanting to please their friends or family.

Currently you were in your room. You were throwing countless of clothes across the room, trying to choose what you could wear to this lunch. Harry stopped dead when one of your dresses flew out of your room, right in front of his nose, blocking his way. You had left your door open and your spontaneity got the better of your best friend.

“Easy, Tiger. I had no idea your clothes had the capacity of Dr. Strange's cape.” He joked before coming into your bedroom.

You turned to find Harry leaning against your doorframe, a smirk encrusted on his face. You gave him an unamused frown and his smile widened. This wasn’t funny at all; you were stressed as hell. It’s not like you still had feelings for Harrison and try to impress him – to be honest, you still had feeling for your friend, but not as intense as before, you had drawn a definitive line on the possibility of a romantic relationship with him, which had helped you a lot. – But you didn’t want to be dressed down and looked like a clown.

“Come on Munchkin, it’s just a lunch. At worst, Harrison can still make it looks like he invited you out for charity, sort of “Make a Wish” event” Harry joked, in his significant humor.

“Go to hell, Robert. Don’t you have a pack bag to make, mister “I’m going to Spain to help my superstar brother to hold his tea while he’s filming”?”

“Rude… I’m a film director, now”

Not for that, you thought to yourself, but don't have the balls to tell your best friend. You didn't want to take this joke too far. You smiled at his cute pretending offended face. You pouted mockingly before biting your lip. You loved the dynamics of your relationship so much. Your humor, sarcasm, your outspokenness, that's what brought you together. Harry pulled you lightly from your closet with a comforting wink. He chose Yves Saint Laurent poppy red wool jersey flared pants that Tom gave you on your birthday. You smiled at his choice. You liked these pair of pants because they were sparkling with vitality, the color was flamboyant. Harry then gave you a satin pearl-colored shirt from Zara and you laughed at the drastic brand difference.

“Oh I see. A classy look but no more than £ 1000 that's pretty smart,” you joked.

The choice of your outfit once again proved the reality of hanging out with wealthy people. You were not poor; you could even be grateful for the life you had had. But it would never occur to you to give your friends clothes that were going over the miles and cents. To be honest, you wanted it. You wanted to live up to the gifts your friends sometimes gave you. But the truth seemed quite different: you had cried over the price of a used Rolex you wanted to give Tom for his birthday. Even having saved for 6 months, you could not afford such a gift.

“Shut up, don’t be so dramatic. Wear that necklace Harrison gave you for Christmas. I’m sure you’ll look fine”

“Thank you,Baz…I guess. ”

You kissed his cheek and then invited him out of your room so you could get ready. It didn't take you more than thirty minutes, time to put on the outfit your best friend had chosen and to put on light makeup. When you were finally ready, you walked to Tom's room. He had offered to take you to the restaurant where you were to join Harrison. But when you got to his ajar door, you could hear the soft sound of a slight snoring. You let out a chuckle before ordering an Uber. You knew he had spent almost a full month in Los Angeles and hadn't returned until early last week. You wanted to leave him as much as possible alone so that he could rest before his trip to Spain for the reshoots of his film Uncharted. Tom was a boy who loved being in touch with those close to him, but you also felt his need to recharge his batteries. That's why you preferred to let him sleep.

You went down to the kitchen to pour yourself a glass of water before leaving. When your Uber arrived, you left a note on the refrigerator to let the boys know you were safely gone. It was little everyday things that made you look normal that you enjoy. A post-it on the fridge, a table organizing household chores had been drawn up. Note to yourself; It was Harrison's turn to take care of the laundry.

☙♡❧

You had really hoped this was just a grotesque nightmare. That it wasn't real. He was going to arrive; he was just stuck into the traffic. Isn't it?

But you were there, waiting for over an hour and a half, without any news from your friend. Some people watched you with pity eyes, the others didn't give you any attention. You internally thank Harry for choosing your outfit. You didn't look like a lost kitten in this prestigious setting. It didn't prevent you from being ashamed right now. The waiter had urged you to order several times but you had told him that you were expecting someone, that he would arrive any minute. The last time, you didn't know if you were trying to convince him or yourself.

But it never happened. Harrison never came to your dinner. You were alone, sitting at a table, pathetically waiting for your friend to show up. It didn't look like him. He had never stand you up before. And not to improve this embarrassing moment, the waiter came to you again. This time, with a man in a suit. He was elegant, carried himself proud but diplomatic. They stopped at your table, a tight smile on their faces. No doubt the man in the suit was to be the manager.

"Miss, my employee told me that you seemed to have occupied this table for a while now. I am sorry to tell you that if you do not order a few things, you will have to leave the establishment"

You looked at him with misty eyes. You have never been so ashamed in your life. You just nod your head, not trusting your voice just yet. After taking a deep breath, you finally apologize to them before telling them that you are going to leave. The manager of the restaurant, out of politeness awkwardly apologizing for this uncomfortable situation.

You've finished the Dry Martini that you allowed yourself to, paying for it with whatever pride you have left. You pulled your cellphone out of your purse and decided to call one of the boys. After three rings, he picked up.

"Hey ... can you please pick me up?"

Your voice was shaky, you were so ashamed but it was less distressing than having to walk the Walk of Shame to your house or cry in an uber. You hung up and shared your location. You left the lobby, leaving the restaurant, standing in front of the entrance to the establishment. The air refreshed your cheeks burning with shame. Luckily it wasn't raining today. Which was pretty nice compared to that early summer you had had.

When you saw Harry's car pulled up in front of you, you slid into the passenger seat without a word. The curly redhead gave you a heartwarming smile but you definitely could see a spark of annoyance in his eyes. You sigh, resigned while shrugging your shoulders. It was obvious that your friendship with Harrison was still shaky.

"I'm sorry, love. He's a jerk about it."

Coincidentally, like a mitigating circumstance, your phone vibrated, receiving a notification from Harrison. You were chewing your lip with a sort of anguish and irritation, watching the message the blond had sent you.

"I'm sorry. So sorry. My agent called me for a pretty urgent casting briefing. She's detained me until now. Are you still okay for this dinner?"

You were angry. You were mature enough and had known the boys long enough to understand their obligations. The fact that Harrison had a lastminute meeting with his agent and missed your dinner wasn't a problem. The problem was, he made you wait for over an hour and a half before notifying you. You wanted him to call you to let you know, or a simple text just after he knew for the meeting. You typed a short answer, shorter than this was impossible. "No". You rested your head against the headrest, turning your gaze to your best friend.

"Hey, he's a Netflix star now" you replied to his last words.

Your voice cracked on the last syllables and your eyes filled with tears. You weren't usually that emotional but the anguish and shame really took over you. Harry noticed, unsure of how to instantly respond to your distress. He would have liked to stop on an emergency lane to take you in his arms but he already had 2 penalties to pay, respectively for speeding and prohibited parking ... a third fine would not be really welcome. He simply placed his hand on your thigh, drawing circles on your pants to comfort you. He simply moved his hand to shift gears and instantly rested it on your leg whenever he had the chance. This gesture soothed you, enjoying the touch, grateful to have someone as your best friend to mop up your pain.

☙♡❧

Arriving at the apartment, no sign of Harrison. When you walked in the kitchen, you saw Tom sitting at the counter, scrolling his phone. He looked up at you, not directly noticing your annoyed expression.

"Wow..you're ... gorgeous. I love these pants on you"

You smiled, a little amused by the compliment. Of course he loved the pants, it was a gift from him. But your smile didn’t reach your eyes. With a look on your expression then on the clock, the actor understood that something went wrong. Harry was right behind and still no trace of Harrison. It was suspicious. Tom gave you a worried look.

"Do I have to ask…Never mind, I’m still going to ask. How was lunch with Harrison?"

"I don't know, why don't you ask him? Oh wait... right, he didn't show up" you said sarcastically although you could hear the hurt in your voice.

Tom frowned, biting the inside of his lower lip in annoyance. Harrison was his best mate since forever and he knew him so well. It seemed strange from Harrison to not show up. The blond has told him he was happy to see you again and walking through this whole awkward “feeling situation” because he didn’t want to lose you. In a quick movement, he rose from his stool to walk around the counter. The next second, he took you in his comforting arms and you finally let yourself go under the sight of the two Holland brothers.

“It seems like you need a break of all this shit” Tom said while he ran his fingers through your hair.

You let a little laugh escape through your tears. He wasn't wrong. You really needed to get away from this whole situation for a moment. But how? Harry watched the scene unsure of what to do. You were his best friend and it seemed like the solace you found was never in his arms. He had tried in the car, however, as best he could. He walked over to the counter to make you both a cup of tea. It seems that as cliché as it sounds, tea comforts you, as the English person you used to be. As the redhead waited patiently for the water to boil, a flash of genius - according to him - crossed the glare of his eyes.

“Why doen't she come with us to Spain?”

His brother's words seemed to suit Tom, who released his hold on you. You opened your eyes wide, not sure of what you had just heard. Go to Spain, with them? Once again, you knew you were going to argue on this proposition. The idea was not bad, Spain seemed a rather pleasant country. But you had just graduated and had a student job to save as much as possible. However, you could not afford to leave for several days in Spain, at the last minute. Plus, what were you going to do while Tom was filming and Harry was assisting him? He was sure the film's production crew wasn't going to give you a pass because Tom had decided.

“Yeah! That’s it, you’re coming with us”

“Tom, I have a student job. I can’t just…decide to go to Spain.”

“You never take a leave, come on. It’s not negotiable”

You were looking at Harry for help but he just shrugged. After all, he was the one who had initiated the idea of ​​including you on the trip. You were trying to find a valid excuse to stay home. You really didn't want to impose yourself.

“I can’t afford that” you said, trying your best to convince him to quit the idea.

“I don’t care, it’s not even a problem. You coming to Spain with us.”

"Omg, does Z dominate you in bed to make you so bossy in life?"

Harry almost spitted his tea and laughed out loud while Tom gave you shocked eyes with pinky cheeks. You had always been sassy but hanging out with the boys had made you even more sassy than ever. How many times haven't you heard Tuwaine or Harry make fun of Harrison or Tom on the sex subject? Being a girl seemed to make you an untouchable character. The boys had never teased you about your relationships or your sexual partners. And while you've always had feelings for Harrison, you've had your own experiences. Anyway, you had just gone with the flow and Tom's brand-new romantic relationship with his co-star gave you the perfect opportunity.

“That's not the point.” stammered the actor.

Your smile widened, proud of your joke and the way Tom reacted. You heard Harry clear his throat. He had his phone in his hand and his own smile didn't bode well for you.

"The production is okay but it's at Tom's expense."

“You got to be kidding me…”

☙♡❧

You ended up in Spain with two of your best friends. You knew you had limited time before Tom had to fly back to Los Angeles for some Spider-man: No Way Home reshoots. So, you enjoyed as much as possible: accompanying the boys to the golf course - even though you weren't very involved in the sport -, spending time to visit touristic places when they were on set, talking with Rachael and other people from the set. You really enjoyed your trip.

On Wednesday evening you went out to a restaurant with Tom, Harry and two other friends/tom’s colleagues. You couldn't deny that it was fun. You had the opportunity to sunbathe a little while walking through the streets of Madrid. Spain was doing you good and not once did you think about your wobbly friendship with Harrison. You've just left the restaurant when a few fans politely show up to take pictures with Tom. You couldn't help but smile at the thought of how kind Tom had always taken in a few snaps when his fans approached him respectfully - and there weren't too many of them -. You sighed with pleasure before stepping away from the group. You leaned against a wall and took out the packet of cigarettes that Tom had asked you to keep in your clutch bag. Being an occasional smoker, he wouldn't blame you if you took one from him. You tilted your head back to admire the dark starry night when you felt a presence by your side. You narrowed your eyes in mischief as you looked sideways: Harry was there, his nose wrinkled from your cigarette. He didn't like it too much Silence filled your bubble despite the hubbub outside. You were in public and it was not surprising to meet travelers and Madrid residents mingling with the crowd to enjoy this pleasant evening.

"I wish this trip never ends." You finally said, breaking the silence.

Harry didn't know what to say to that. Instead, he was just looking at you. You were a little tanned, the Madrid sun had done wonders on you; your loose hair framed your face and the summer dress you had chosen for the restaurant looked great on you: It was a short red floral summer dress with a shingle collar. Light enough to keep you from suffocating but decent to wear on any casual occasion. You were beautiful, stunning. His heart exploded at the sight of you, so much that it hurt a few times.

"I wish I had been there for you more." he finally confessed

You finally turned your head towards him and shrug your shoulders, smiling shyly but sincerely.

“You were working, Baz”

“I meant…not only here in Spain. I’m sorry to have let you down recently”

You give him a confused look. He hadn't been a bad friend but he kept implying it. You just shook your head negatively to brush his words away. Harry had always been important to you. He had been the first to step towards you. It was him who introduced you to the rest of the gang. He had always been concerned about you.

The night you met, you immediately clicked up with him. And to be honest, for a moment, you thought he liked you that night. But he never took that step towards you and you never did either. You dreaded that if you kissed him, he would think you were interested in his notoriety by proxy. So you just acted like any reasonable person would - accept the status he gave you. And the second time he asked you to join him with his brother and his friends, you met Harrison and your heart exploded.

"I'm glad you brought me here"

“I'm happy you accepted to come.”

“I didn't really have the choice, Baz” you joked.

He laughed slightly. You weren't wrong, he and Tom had practically dragged you onto the plane, leaving you no choice to be by their side. But you could only thank them, especially Harry who had the idea. You took another hit on your cigarette before leaning back to check out where Tom was with his fans. He seemed to be talking with the girls and didn't seem overwhelmed. So, you didn't want to interrupt him and were just going to wait for him to finish. Harry played with his hands nervously, looking straight ahead and then at you. He seemed to be repeating this game for several seconds before finally asking the question that was in his mind.

“Have you heard from Harrison?” Harry asked quite casually

“He sent me several texts to apologize and wished me to have a good time in Madrid.”

“Do you still have feelings for him?”

You swallow hard before looking at him. There was an indecipherable glint in his eyes and you weren't sure what to make of it. You drew another puff from your cigarette, maybe that would save you from entering this conversation. But Harry's presence was all around you and you couldn't really escape. So you've decided to be honest.

“It’s complicated. I suppose so...”

“Mhmm”

“But my friendship with Haz is important, I don't want to lose him because of it.”

“Yeah, you can't imagine how well I understand you�� he sighed

“What do you mean? Who’s the lucky girl..or guy ?”

Harry turned to you frankly and you did the same, stubbing out the half-smoked cigarette. You are well aware that the conversation was taking a more serious turn. He moistened his lips and walked over to you. Harry was full of things: he was full-loving, sarcastic, talented, daring, impertinent. But Harry was mostly awkward when it came to love. Not just an attraction, no, love with real feeling. Delicately, hesitantly, he reached out to your cheek, stroking it with the back of his fingers, cautiously. You were frozen, your eyes fixed on him admiring his audacity.

"She's the most beautiful girl I ever seen." he said with a small smile.

Harry walked over to you and your heart was pounding at breakneck speed. Harry had ... feelings for you? You were really confused. Since when had he developed his feelings? Why didn't he tell you about it? Why hadn't he tried anything so far? So, were you right from the start? Was there a tension between you since the beginning of your friendship, since your met? But above all, did you want him to take that step? Instinctively, your body responded. You parted your lips and closed your eyes. You enjoyed the warmth of his hand on your cheek and were waiting for the touch of his lips. But it never happened.

"Hey baz, y/n..we're going back to the hotel" Tom said, taking his eyes off his phone. "I…Mhmm sorry, did I interrupt something?"

[actuallysaiyan]

Hi!! Can I request a NSFW alphabet for Raditz? I loved the way you wrote the sfw one 💕 Thanks!

A = Aftercare (what they’re like after sex)

Raditz is actually super comforting and great at aftercare! He’s very attentive to your needs, and he’ll clean you up and everything. It’s something he enjoys doing for his partner, and he doesn’t care if anyone tries to make fun of him for it. He knows it means a lot.

B = Body part (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

Raditz definitely loves his hair. It’s a huge source of pride for him, and if you tug on it while he’s eating you out, you’ve got a man who’s definitely in love with you. He adores it if you brush his hair.

On you, he loves your tits. He can’t help it, it’s just the kind of guy he is. He loves playing with them, and cupping them, squeezing them together, getting a titty fuck if he can...

C = Cum (anything to do with cum, basically)

If Raditz is feeling upset or angry, you can expect him to cum deep within you, as if he is trying to mark you as his. It can be a little territorial with Raditz, but he loves you and will always get consent from you. He loves filling your holes with cum, and watching it drip out of you.

He also loves making you cum like crazy too. He’s got lots of stamina and will lap at your weeping pussy until you’re begging and pleading for him to stop from over stimulation.

D = Dirty secret (pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

Raditz loves the idea of you dominating you, but he would never actually admit to that. It’s already that he gets a lot of shit from Vegeta and Nappa for being supposedly weak, so he would hate if that secret got out. If he were to get drunk with you one night, he might actually let you do this to him. It would drive him crazy to have you take control.

E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?)

Raditz is quite experienced, and he’s a bit of a fuckboy before he gets into a relationship with you. He knows exactly what he’s doing, and he’s got a bit of a reputation amongst the Saiyan women as someone who can make a girl squirt. He’s proud of his experience, but he doesn’t boast about it...well, not too much anyway.

F = Favorite position (this goes without saying)

Raditz adores the mating press, or having you ride him. It’s crazy how good it feels when he gets into these positions, but he enjoys the intimacy of things as well, so he can switch it up to missionary or doggy sometimes. Raditz is all over the place with positions, but some nights he just wants his favorite, which is usually you on top.

G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.)

Raditz can be a little funny and sarcastic during sex, and from time to time he’ll make a sexual joke or remark and it’s funny. You both like to laugh and have fun during sex, because you both know it’s not always supposed to be super serious. If it’s a romantic moment, he’ll keep his composure and treat you accordingly.

H = Hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.)

Raditz actually likes to keep himself clean shaven and trims regularly. He doesn’t have a whole lot of body hair to begin with, so he enjoys his smoothness. The carpets match the drapes, and it can be a little shaggy and wild down there if he skips out on trimming and shaving. It’s coarse and black hair.

I = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect)

Raditz likes to have intimacy when he has sex. It can be something that is very special between a Saiyan and his mate, and even though he’s been with lots of women, he’s decided to choose you as his mate. He loves you and wants you to feel wanted and needed when he fucks you. Though, sometimes he can be a little rough.

J = Jack off (masturbation headcanon)

Raditz will jack off if you aren’t around. Sometimes if he’s out on missions on distant planets, he’ll think of you and start to touch himself. He loves the memories of your best love making sessions and those are usually the fodder that helps him get over the edge.

K = Kink (one or more of their kinks)

Raditz has mostly dominant kinks. He likes to pin you down and fuck you hard, but he does also have a blowjob kink, if you’d call it a kink. He loves having you suck on his cock and he adores watching you gag and drool all over his big dick. The way tears form in your eyes is so fucking hot for him. Raditz also has a pretty intense breeding kink, but most Saiyans do.

L = Location (favorite places to do the do)

Raditz will literally take you anywhere. He doesn’t care where he fucks you, as long as he gets to fuck you. He also doesn’t really care about people watching you guys either, since most Saiyans don’t really pay attention to that sort of thing either. Raditz does love fucking you in the shower a lot, since everything is so much slipperier and wetter. It just gets him going if he gets to wash your body first...

M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)

All you need to do is just squeeze his inner thigh, play with his hair a little and tell him how badly you need his cock deep inside you. He’s also into you teasing him a little and maybe talking dirty as well. It doesn’t take too much for him to get turned on, so you basically only have to tell him that you’re horny and Raditz will fuck you.

N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

Raditz isn’t super into anal, nor is he super into golden showers or anything like that. He doesn’t mind hurting you a little if you like that kind of thing, but he’d never fatally hurt you. That’s just not feasible, and considering he loves you so much, he’d be heartbroken if he were ever to take it that far. 

O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

Raditz is huge on blowjobs. He fucking loves them so much. His knees go weak and he absolutely loves fucking your face. He’ll make you choke and gag, and he’ll praise you while you deep throat that huge cock of his. It’s one of his favorite things in the world.

But, that doesn’t mean Raditz doesn’t like to give. He’ll spread your legs and slurp at you until you’re cumming over and over. If you try to close your legs, Raditz will pry them open and over stimulate you until you’re crying for him to stop.

P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.)

Raditz is almost always rough. He needs to let go of a lot of his pent up anger and energy. He needs to take out his frustrations through sex, but you know he loves you regardless. Besides, he knows you can most definitely take it. If he’s feeling needy, he’ll take it slower and be surprisingly romantic. It can be sweet and sensual, but he’s usually rough.

Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)

Raditz enjoys quickies a lot, seeing as they are always a viable option for him. He enjoys the way he can just pump into you, fuck you hard and then make you walk away with his cum dripping out of you within minutes. It’s like a game to Raditz sometimes, and other times he likes to see how many times he can make you cum in under twenty minutes. Quickies are great, and he enjoys them very much so.

R = Risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.)

Raditz likes to take risks and he most definitely loves to experiment with you. He’ll tease you around people and probably will get caught fucking you from time to time, but as long as you don’t mind, Raditz doesn’t care. Most of the other Saiyans try to pretend that they don’t see this happening in front of them, so this doesn’t usually phase too many people.

S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?)

Realistically, he could last for days. He’s a Saiyan, they have godlike stamina and they love to breed and fuck as much as they can. He lasts a long time, unless he’s been needing you for a long time, then he fills you up with his cum quickly. Regardless, you know he’s going to fuck you for a long time.

T = Toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?)

It’s not really his thing, but he’s not opposed to them. If you wanted to have a vibrator or something like that, he would use it on you. He just figures it’s more fun if he can make you cum hard. 

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

Raditz enjoys teasing, but he can only take so much teasing before he gets way too aroused. He’ll tease you a little, but if you beg him, he’s going to give in almost pretty much right away. He needs to be deep inside you, feeling your warmth around him. 

V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.)

Raditz is loud, but most of that is dirty talk. He loves telling you what he’s doing to you, or he enjoys making you beg and plead. It just makes him so much more aroused. He generally grunts as he ruts against you, telling you how good you’re taking his cock.

W = Wild card (a random headcanon for the character)

Raditz can be insecure sometimes, so you have to praise him and reassure him a lot. Nappa and Vegeta give him lots of shit, which gets under his skin a lot. It hurts his feelings, but his Saiyan pride makes it hard for him to be able to say anything about it. When it’s late at night and you’re both lying together in bed, he might tell you about how he feels. He trusts that you won’t repeat this information, and you would never.

X = X-ray (let’s see what’s going on under those clothes)

Raditz has a nice girthy cock. It’s not super long, just a good 6 inches. It’s girthy, thick and it’s hard to get all of it in your mouth with gagging and choking. His balls are pretty nice and big as well, and he likes to keep them shaved clean for you to suck on.

Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?)

If Raditz isn’t busy doing something important, he’s most definitely down to fuck. He likes sex to be fun and spontaneous most times, so you can expect his sex drive to be pretty high. He’s not like Vegeta who wants to train all the time and forgoes sex for so long. Raditz needs to fuck to feel good.

Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

Raditz is pretty quick to fall asleep after sex. He tries his best to stay up with you, but once he knows you’re all cleaned up and you’re feeling sleepy yourself, he just rolls over and falls into a deep sleep.

[softyoongiionly]

NSFW A-Z List (Fear and Dumplings! Yoongi)

***This contains smut, 18+ only please***

“So, I guess I’m doing this. Look, if you’ve read my story so far, you know I’m socially awkward and (previously) sexually deprived so, if this gets weird I’m sorry, you asked for it. Uhhh here we go I guess...”

A = Aftercare (What they’re like after sex):

“It just depends on what kind of sex I just had. If it was slow and lazy then, I’m probably just going to lay with Y/N for a bit. I use any excuse I can to get her to play with my hair but, after sex she usually just does it on her own. Sometimes though, sex gets a little intense for me. Before Y/N, I wasn’t emotionally attached to sex but, now I am and, there are times when I need to recover afterwards, especially if things get overwhelming. Y/N knows exactly how to take care of me and, she knows the best way to bring me back from subspace. That’s why I feel comfortable enough to be submissive with her.”

B = Body part (Their favourite body part of theirs and also their partner’s):

“Uh I don’t really have a body part of mine that I like enough to mention. Y/N likes my hands, she plays with my fingers when she’s nervous or bored and, I don’t even think she knows that I notice. But, it’s really cute ha.”

“I honestly can’t choose a favorite body part of Y/N’s because that feels a little weird to do. One of my favorite things about her is how comfortable she makes me feel. She has this way of making everyone feel at ease and, it’s one of the first things I noticed about her. Anyway, I love her a lot ha. This is supposed to be a sex thing and, I’m just making it about how much I love my girlfriend. Aqua says its because I’m a Pisces but, love and sex are very much the same thing to me now so, expect a lot more mushy shit.”

C = Cum (Anything to do with cum basically… I’m a disgusting person):

“Cum? What about cum? Is this question really just about cum? Aqua, where the hell did you find this prompt? Uh ok cum…I mean I like when Y/N swallows but, I don’t expect her too. I don’t really have a thing for my cum, I could take it or leave it. I think a lot of people see cumming on someone’s face as a possessive thing and, I’m not really that kind of guy. I like Y/N’s cum on my lips though, especially if I’ve been eating her out, sometimes I wish she’d wait a little longer to kiss me just so, I could taste it longer…”

D = Dirty Secret (Pretty self-explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs):

“I mean, I think love makes me a little crazy sometimes but, I don’t know if I would consider that a dirty secret. Y/N is the first person I’ve ever been in love with and, I think I get a little weird about it. For example, the other day she was cleaning her apartment and, I literally could not stop staring at her. I just wanted to watch her. Not in a creepy way, well fuck, I don’t know that sounds kind of creepy. I just find her so endearing and pretty, sometimes I wonder why she’s even with me…”

E = Experience (How experienced are they? Do they know what they’re doing?):

“I’ve slept with 8 people including Y/N but, besides her and Hoseok, they were hook-ups I had throughout university. I would say I’m pretty experienced with sex but, I never cared much about it until I met Y/N.”

F = Favourite Position (This goes without saying. Will probably include a visual):

“I like when she’s on top the best, especially when she’s choking me.”

G = Goofy (Are they more serious in the moment, or are they humorous, etc):

“Like I said earlier, I feel really comfortable with Y/N. Sex is funny sometimes, it’s not always extremely passionate or movie-like. There are moments when we laugh together, especially when we’re both trying not to cum. It’s the only way to hold it sometimes ha.”

H = Hair (How well-groomed are they, does the carpet match the drapes, etc.):

“Uh do people really want to know if I have pubes? Is that a genuine curiosity? I mean, I have a little bit. I’m not a very hairy person but, I keep it neat and everything. Side note, any person that insists on you shaving your body hair is a loser. Y/N isn’t a Barbie doll so, I don’t expect her to be clean shaven all the time, or any of the time, that’s ridiculous.”

I = Intimacy (How are they during the moment, romantic aspect…):

“I’m so in love right now that it’s a little gross so, I basically melt as soon as Y/N touches me. Or as soon as she does most things…”

J = Jack Off (Masturbation headcanon):

“I don’t really do it that often anymore. If I have any spare time, I’m usually with Y/N and, I’d much rather save anything I have for her. If we both get busy though, sometimes I will. Y/N usually helps me out either way.”

K = Kink (One or more of their kinks):

“I think my kinks have been a pretty big focus of our story so, I’m sure most of you already know ha. I think my biggest ones are biting, scratching, choking and,probably uh... love? I know love is a weird one but, I always cum really hard when Y/N tells me she loves me. What can I say? I’m a baby.”

L = Location (Favourite places to do the do):

“The bedroom. Seriously, I don’t know how people do it anywhere else. I’m not athletic enough for that. I have a soft spot for car sex but, I would still prefer it in the bedroom. Oh and, my studio. Shit. Maybe I like it there better…there’s a lot of good memories there. I can’t talk about that though, Y/N isn’t going to be home for another hour and, I don’t want to get worked up.”

M = Motivation (What turns them on, gets them going):

“Sex is an expression of love for me so, my motivation is to show her how much I love her with my affection. That’s probably a boring answer but, it’s the truth. As far as what turns me on, I mean, it’s not anything specific. Y/N has a way of turning me on without even trying.  Her voice is really pretty so, when she’s speaking softly to me when we’re in bed together, that turns me on. She also does this thing where she slides her hands underneath my t-shirt and, uh…yeah. Holy shit ha. If her hands are on me, I’m kind of done for. I really wish she wasn’t working late tonight.”

N = NO (Something they wouldn’t do, turn offs):

“Threesomes, public sex and, anything gross. I like spit and cum, that’s about it as far as bodily fluids go.”

O = Oral (Preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc):

“If Y/N let me, I’d probably live between her legs. This is one thing, I’m not really shy about. I love eating pussy. I just do. I love getting head too obviously, it’s amazing. The first time Y/N ever did it for me, I almost passed out. I still don’t know how I stayed standing while she was down there, I felt like I was gonna throw up.”

P = Pace (Are they fast and rough? Slow and sensual? Etc.):

“I like it all. Different moods call for different speeds. If I had a preference though, it would probably be  slower sex. The kind of sex where it feels like it lasts a long time. We had a night like that recently. I think we started kissing around midnight and, we didn’t stop until like 3am. Then, we ordered takeout. I’m the luckiest man alive ha.”

Q = Quickie (Their opinions on quickies rather than proper sex, how often, etc.):

“Quickies are fine. Sex is sex. It’s all great. I prefer when we don’t feel rushed but, sometimes you just need to get off.”

R = Risk (Are they game to experiment, do they take risks, etc.):

“I’m down to experiment with Y/N because, I trust her. I trust that she would never push me too far or take advantage of me. “

S = Stamina (How many rounds can they go for, how long do they last…):

“I last as long as I’m told to last haha. I don’t usually cum without permission. Y/N tells me beforehand whether or not I need to ask and, during those times, I don’t last very long if I’m being honest. It’s too good. I always make sure she’s taken care of though and, usually that gets me hard again anyway.”

T = Toy (Do they own toys? Do they use them? On a partner or themselves?):

“I know Y/N owns a vibrator but, I don’t have any toys right now. We are talking about getting a strap on but, I’m still working up to that.”

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease):

“I’m definitely not the tease in the relationship but, if I do tease,  it’s because I’m trying to get punished.”

V = Volume (How loud they are, what sounds they make):

“I’m not very loud I don’t think. According to Y/N, my breathing just gets heavier and, by the end of it, I’m usually whimpering into her neck or something, probably signing over the deed to my car or some shit. She has that effect on me. “

W = Wild Card (Get a random headcanon for the character of your choice):

“One time Y/N made me cum so hard, it literally messed up my vision for a moment. Things got a little blurry and, I felt like I couldn’t breathe. It was one of the most intense feelings I’ve ever felt but, it was after she had been teasing me for a long time. It was incredible ha.”

X = X-Ray (Let’s see what’s going on in those pants, picture or words):

Yoongi opted not to answer this question.

Y = Yearning (How high is their sex drive?):

“Embarrassingly high. Things change when her and I are apart because, I just miss being around her more than anything but, at some point I always end up wanting her too.”

Z = ZZZ (… how quickly they fall asleep afterwards):

“Despite most people’s assumptions, I don’t just pass out immediately after sex. Sometimes it makes me really tired, especially if she’s been playing with me but, I feel like I’m a little too needy to just fall asleep right afterwards. Sometimes, sex gives me energy too because, I feel so good when we’re done that I’m ready to be productive. That happens in the studio a lot actually, sex helps me focus so, if we do it in there, I usually feel more creative.”

If you guys want to see other characters let me know! 

[johobi]

When You Least Expect It | 12

Pairing: Jungkook x Reader x Taehyung

Word count: 8.2k

Warnings: angst, angsty-angst, dramaTIC ANGST, anxiety, depression, fear of going mad. i swear it’s not all that bad though!!!!

AO3 link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16732419/navigate

A/N: thanks, as ever, for all your encouragement, love and patience. i truly treasure you.

Next: 13 ASAP! || WYLEI Masterlist

You’re in love with your childhood friend, Taehyung. The problem is, you treasure your friendship with him far too much to ever risk losing it. Oh, and he’s quite the Casanova. At your wits’ end with feelings you can no longer hide as diligently as you once did, you ask him to set you up with someone, anyone, in a last-ditch attempt to avoid a heartbreaking conversation. 

"Need to get my⁠—mmm⁠—keys."

Taehyung's argument was solid, but your lip-lock took precedence. "Nuh-uh," you murmured to his saliva-slick lips, eager to taste from them again. "Do it blind."

Your lover fished futilely for his keys, eyes closed for kissing. His body angled away when you only wanted it flush. Selfishly you clung to him, arms fast around his neck, compelling him closer. Oh, but you needed more. Needed his touch. It was painfully absent. Taehyung’s long-fingered hands trawled the depths of his pockets when they should have been defiling you. 

He snorted through the meagre space between your faces. "I can't find⁠—mmgh⁠—find them."

"Here," you offered in devilish whisper, plunging a hand into the pocket of his jeans. Shamelessly grasping a little too close to his left-leaning dick.

"Ah⁠—"

Your fingertips grazed metal. "That wasn't so hard, was it?"

"It will be." 

It was your turn to scoff. Right into his hot, nasty mouth.

Despite Taehyung's ineptitude at locating his own keys, it was spellcraft how easily he unlocked the door, with his back to it and his tongue thrust far past your lips. As the lock gave way, you threw yourself into his freshly-freed arms, urging he embrace your touch-starved body. But Taehyung was already around you, on you, fondling the breadth of your thinly-clothed ass. He broke away to whine:  “God, you drive me crazy.”

“You love it.”

“Fuck yeah, I do.”

You stumbled into his apartment as a mass of roving hands. "You’re gonna get it again, noona," Taehyung hummed around your earlobe. Tugged it between his teeth. Whispered obscenities while his hard cock pressed close. “You feel that, babe? You want it?”

Breath tumbled out. “Y-Ye⁠s—”

"It certainly sounds like she does," a wicked voice sang. It was high-pitched and heavy on the dialect and its source unmistakeable. You wished you were mistaken. "Whatever it is. I'm gonna hazard a guess that it's⁠—"

The two of you repelled like magnets. 

"Oh, fuck. Jimin, why are you still here?" Taehyung made no attempt to smother his exasperation. His erection, on the other hand, he smothered actively, obscuring it with the hem of his shirt..

"Good night without me?" the redhead side-stepped. Consistent with his character, the conversation became depraved, and all about him. You found yourself on the receiving end of an unwelcome eyebrow waggle. "I was only one phone call away."

Taehyung's hand flew to his face. Dragged down his features. "I told you I didn't know when I'd be back. If at all. Couldn't you have gone home, dude? What did you even do all night?"

As Jimin dithered and whined, you surveyed the damage the bachelor had inflicted upon Taehyung's usually immaculate apartment. Takeout trays, beer bottles and indiscernible spills surrounded the little imp. Insult to injury was his occupation of your beloved red slanket. It coupled his hair so garishly he resembled something of an angry pimple. You glared at Jimin from behind his 5'11" handler.

"I thought you were coming back!" Jimin finally exasperated. His wrists emerged from the slanket-holes when he gestured to his nest of trash. "I had to eat twice the amount of food. And I got drunk alone. You know how sad that is?"

"Got a glimpse of your future, did you, Jimin?" The snicker that shot from you almost took the contents of your nostrils with it. To say you were a little sniffly this morning was to minimise it. It took all your nasal strength to prevent a flood. Probably all that rain yesterday. 

No, don't think about yesterday.

Luckily, your dignity remained intact for discard another day. Jimin's however, had long been abandoned. Tact, too. "So—" He watched, beady-eyed, as you busied yourself in the undoing of his mess. When you reached for a pizza box: "You guys having an affair? Or is this some kinda friends-with-benefits deal?" The slanket rode up his offensively nude thighs as he leaned toward your stooping form. "Any chance of making this a three-person thing? Or four, if that Jungkook guy is still in the picture."

  It was like an icicle through your poor, hollowed heart. You froze, bent at the hinges, pizza grease becoming palm sweat. "W-What?"

  “Actually, was he even real? I never saw him.”

  Was he even real?

  Taehyung was quick. Was there in a second, striding to your side, affixing a hand to your lower back. His fingertips, too, were quick. Quick to find that sliver of exposed skin where your jeans and shirt met. To give you the warmth of reassurance that came only with his touch. "Jesus, Jimin. I know this is your shtick, but no-one's in the mood for your bullshit today. Just go home dude, I'll text you later."

  An expression you'd never encountered warped Jimin's delicate features. Hurt. "What the fuck?" he grumbled, complying despite his injured feelings. Coming to a stand, he stuffed himself into his night-before skinny jeans, plump lips pursed. "What got into you? She peg you or something?" Jimin’s hmphs continued, punctuating his impromptu Get Ready With Me throughout. Without the care it warranted, he slung off the slanket and began turning out the couch.

  “Very funny. What are you looking for? I’ll help.” Taehyung offered, placidity masking his vexation incredibly well. Antagonising Jimin would only prolong his being there, after all, and the scenario was already unbearably awkward. Especially now, when he was flaunting a good inch of his ass-crack in the hunt for some misplaced possession. 

  "My wallet. Y’know, the pot leaf one. Where did I put the damn thing?"

  In that gaping crevice, maybe? It wasn’t aloud. 

  "Okay, look⁠—" Taehyung, too, looked to have had his fill of his friend's butt-cleft. "I'll bring your wallet 'round your place later. You got your phone and keys, yeah?" The outline in the redhead's jeans confirmed it. "Go home, sleep off the rest of the booze, we'll talk this evening."

  Despite his grievances, Jimin suddenly brightened. He never was one to hold a grudge. He was a Pisces, after all. "You're gonna come over? Cool! I'll get more beer in." The fact he'd consumed a dozen only two hours prior didn’t appear to deter him. "You coming, ____? We gonna have another game of Never Have I Ever?"

  The sincere sparkle of his eyes threw you a little. "Uh, I don't think so. Not today. Sorry, Jimin. Next time, okay? I've got some things to sort out later. Plus, I think I’m getting sick." A sniffle for illustration.

  "That's cool." He hummed, shrugged on his signature varsity jacket. The world would burn before he conceded college was over. "See you later, Tae. Happy smashing," was his parting comment as he sashayed out the door, mildly uncoordinated. Taehyung was charitable enough to relieve his friend of the quandry of closing it.

  And when it was closed, your lover turned back. Had a pensive purse to his lips. "Uh, sorry about that. You okay?"

  "Don’t apologise, I’m the one that disrupted your plans in the first place, Tae. But yeah, I’m good." 

  Taehyung couldn’t see the extent of that untruth. Not when you averted your eyes so swiftly. Pinned them to your busy hands as you continued to collect up Jimin's litter. Why had it been so easy for him to speak his name? Like it was nothing but breath? Just two syllables, plucked from an alphabet of indifference?

  When it was sand and salt on open sores?

  When it was woe so heavy it rasped the soul?

  "Alright." It wasn't, but what mattered was that Taehyung knew it. Knew it, and didn't pursue it. Instead, he fluffed a trashbag for you in which to deposit your greasy collection. "He's always like this. A mangy raccoon."  The comparison hit humorously enough to curtail your anguish. Momentarily, at least. A genuine laugh came from you. At that, Taehyung looked up. Caught your smile. "He's always like this. Always leaves me to clean up. His metaphorical and literal messes."

  Trash collected, you straightened. Inelegantly, and with a groan. You'd have to scrape together the pennies for some sweet chiropractic adjustment. "Yeah? That doesn't surprise me," you smirk, prodding at the knots in the small of your back. "All I know is he's a gross, unashamed pervert that could be a good guy if he grew up a little. You haven't really told me too much about him. I guess you'll—" the reality of your and Taehyung's changed relationship hit you, then. It had transfigured into something far more intense. Far more beautiful. Potentially volatile.  "—you'll have to tell me more. About him. Your other friends I don't see much. And about you, stuff I didn't get to know until we—well. You know."

  Taehyung's head came to a tilt. His downy locks strayed into his eyes, softening them into a squint. "It's weird, isn't it? Being like this. Good weird—" he added with haste. Had he been suddenly struck by the revelation, too? Your two combined brain cells continued to surf one wavelength. It was uncanny. "You're standing there, I'm standing here. We look the same. But it's all different. I look at you different." A contemplative pause. The trash-bag knocked noisily at his knees as he rocked. "And all I know is I want to learn about you. Again. Inside and out."

  "Yeah. I'd like that very much. I'm hardly a treasure trove of alluring secrets, but I'm sure I have a wild story or two from my college years. Ugh—" The ache that'd been no more than a dull tapping at your skull suddenly came to the fore. Your head throbbed like a blunt force concussion.

  "You okay?" The trashbag left Taehyung's hands and crumpled to the floor. You felt them on you shortly after, palpating your oddly sensitive forearms. "What's up?"

  "Headache. Think I was bent over for too long, or something." But then came a torrent of sneezing. And it was also then that Taehyung's proximity was suddenly, intolerably stifling. "Ugh. Maybe not. I’m definitely getting sick. Sick-sick."

  A satiny palm left your shoulder and found your forehead. Your vantage saw only Taehyung's mouth. It opened into an O. "Oh, shit. Yeah, you're burning up, noona. We should get you into bed."

  "No, no. That won't be necessary." You waved away his clammied hand and instead peeled off your - his - jacket. The last thing you wanted, on a day as emotionally strenuous as this one, was to find yourself physically compromised, too. "I'll be okay. I just need to cool down a bit. It's probably just a cold, and I can soldier through those. Uh—I'm a little hungry, though?"

  "Aha! Want some French toast or something?" Taehyung leapt at the opportunity to tend to you. Like Yoongi, you shied away from showing weakness and instead showed a reluctance to lean on others. It must’ve been frustrating for Taehyung, an unashamed empath who wanted nothing more than to accompany and comfort you during your times of adversity. But he understood that it could not be the case with you. That less was more. That the key to helping you was when you asked for it. Yes, even when it was something so small as the common cold.

  And when it wasn’t just the sniffles, but world-ending woe, Taehyung embraced your diversions from the difficult topics. Didn’t push it. Best friends never pushed. Yes, he was still your best friend. Something more, now, too, but forever your gentlest, most attuned of friends. "Don’t you like French toast? I could make something else?" He prompted, peering into your faraway face with those precious eyes of his.

  "You can make French toast?"

  "Of course I can. I can make you anything, within reason. I've been practicing. Takeout's giving me a belly." In illustration, Taehyung molded his hands to his mildly rounded flesh. Strained it out further, like an expecting mother.

  "I like your little belly." Your hands fell to his, pressing his stomach back to flat.

  "Yeah?" An errant quirk of his eyebrow. "It likes you, too."

  You smiled so, so wide. And then you became certain:

  Last night had been the right decision. One made in a swell of volatile emotion, yes. But this day - this moment - in which it was still possible to smile, proved that. Taehyung conjured it to your face with so little effort. It took so little effort to be with him. To just be. 

  And that was indeed a feat. 

  Because inside your mind, there was no reprieve. Barbed words and self-abuse clattered about your brain, painting you unworthy of Jungkook. Worse yet; deserving of his treatment. 

Every second since your waking hour you’d been assailed by volleys of it. But your self-loathing didn’t end its assault there. In your darkest seconds, it even dared to suggest that you proclaimed your love for Taehyung too hastily. 

  That you instead yearned for that other man.

  By some mercy, you were already adept in handling intrusive thoughts. Because that was all they were: Intrusive. Unwelcome and unwanted. There could be no truth to the doubt or longing. 

Not when your new horizon stood before you, a sunshine smile dawning across his cheeks. Taehyung. The once boy, now man, you'd forever coveted.

  He was yours. Your desperate words a night ago sealed it.

  Puzzlement mingled adorably with Taehyung's bright features. "Babe?"

  Yeah. It was the right choice.

  "Sorry, Tae." In spite of your climbing fever, you intertwined your idling fingers. Looked down at the union with a contented smile. "Thanks for letting me stay here for a bit. I didn't want to go back to my apartment yet." The reason why remained unspoken. "I know I can't avoid it forever, but for a little while at least, I just wanna not think."

  Soft, familiar lips were on your forehead. Spoke against the skin. "You stay here as long as you need. My apartment and I are at your disposal." It was Taehyung's turn to loose himself from your febrile embrace. Your perspiration lacquered his fingers. "We're getting you some painkillers for that fever, at the very least. You don't have to stay in bed, but I want you on the sofa so I can keep an eye on you while I do some marking."

  "Okay, dad."

  Taehyung’s tongue danced over the tips of his teeth. "That's daddy to you, noona. Get those damp clothes off and get some of my pyjamas on, there's a set on the bed."

  ----

  Your sentencing to the sofa had initially been met with resistance. Especially when Taehyung hovered, ever-watching, an eye on his papers and the other on your recalcitrant form. Your every attempt at productivity - even a surreptitious attempt to fold his laundry - had been met with soft but stern eyes and an escort back to your cologne-saturated prison. Jimin's stank had ingratiated itself with the fibres of Taehyung's cushions. No amount of deodorizer could reduce its cling. It did nothing but intensify the thudding behind your eyes.

  And at first, you attributed your worsening nausea to that silly little redhead. But the lightheadedness followed swiftly after, and then the chills, and then that horrid, off feeling encroached, like your soul lagged behind every of your body's movements.

  In the end, you begged for the bed. Taehyung's memory foam mattress and sweet-smelling pillows. Only, the sweet made you sick, and the memory foam only exacerbated all your indistinct aches. By early afternoon, despite his dutiful nursing of you, you tapped out of your brave-facing. Practically begged him to return you to your apartment, where all your remedies resided. 

  If there was something that united the men of your world, it was their haphazard approach to health crises. Taehyung possessed a pitiful two (2) painkillers. The nasty, round, chalky type that got you gagging. Expiry date: Last year. No hot water bottle, no frozen goods to improvise a cold compress. When questioned about his unreadiness in the face of illness, his reasoning was ridiculous. Sound, but ridiculous. 'I never get sick, so I don't need it.’ The painkillers were Jimin’s.

  Hoseok and Yoongi were much the same. The former would simply turn up on your doorstep and check-in to your veritable inpatient clinic and expect private-tier care. For the latter, you'd have to make a house visit, because he never got sick, and he didn't need you fussing over him so. And yet he was the one that fell ill the most. The one that needed the most tender of care.

  Sigh.

  Today, you required it. And that was how you now found yourself back home, a day earlier than you would have preferred. You tottered out of Taehyung's car in your royal red slanket, pyjama pants dragging on wet asphalt. It took what waning stamina you possessed to gaze upward at the same balconies Jungkook strode yesterday. It was like looking on an untouched crime scene; as gloomily lit and ominous as it had been then.

  Taehyung came to your side, and then a little in front, surveying that same sight. "Looks like he's gone, noona."

  The relief that surged was medicine in itself. "Thank God. Let's go in, quickly." Your teeth chattered animatedly during the climb, even though you burned like the sun incarnate. Taehyung's arm was fast about your waist, steadying you on each of your Everestian steps. Collapse felt close at times, but when your vision began to fail it was the image of Jungkook's guilt-ridden face that rallied you onward. To fall, here, was to expose yourself to the risk of seeing it again.

  And that could not happen.

  "Do you have the keys—"

  "Got 'em." Taehyung was ahead of you in every sense. With the dexterity he was inhibited from displaying earlier, he had your door open before you could reach him. "In you go, babe."

  "Thanks." You loped past, unsteady. Unready to climb the flight of stairs immediately within. "Why do I have a maisonette?" The question was to no-one, or God. 

  Taehyung answered anyway. “Because you’re a woman of discerning taste.” Large hands found your blanketed backside, lending you their support. “Plus, when the bedroom’s upstairs, the neighbours can’t hear.” 

  “A valid point,” you ceded, beginning your ascent. Even with Taehyung - quite literally - bringing up the rear, your legs felt like those of an unpractised infant. It was astonishing just how quickly the virus had incapacitated you.

  Still. The higher you climbed, the handsier Taehyung became. He stole squeezes of your rump with every step. Said it was incentive to keep going.

  Well, he wasn’t wrong. 

  After much of his unscrupulous groping, the laughter finally broke free. "Oh my God, you're being so shameless right now." Another shaky step. "I wish I had a stairmaster."

  He wasn't done being outrageous. "Sit back and I'll stairmaster you all the way up, babe."

  The giggling became painful. Welcome, but painful. "Stop."

  At the top of the staircase, you stopped to compose your failing limbs. It was alarming just how vital you'd been this morning. This afternoon, you felt one laboured breath from death. "One sec."

  "I knew this was a bad idea. You shouldn't be going anywhere in your condition." His two, warm hands stabilised you from the back, preventing an inevitable tumble. "I coulda just bought more painkillers and whatever else you needed."

  "It's alright, Tae. I had to come back at some point soon, anyway. My keys for the cafe are here and I'm opening tomorrow." Blotting the sweat from your brow, you advanced on unstable legs to the sofa and immediately crumpled onto its familiar comfort. "Plus, when I'm sick, I like to be sick at home."

  "I don't think you'll be going into work tomorrow." By the time it took you to maneuver yourself onto your stomach, Taehyung was stood over you, hands emphatically on hips. "Look at you. Can't even get comfortable without exhausting yourself."

  "I don't wanna let Hoseok down." Nor did you want to enlighten him to your current romantic quandry, though. Ugh. "But I do feel terrible. If I’m no better later, I might text him."

  "Wow, I thought for sure it would take far more convincing than that," Taehyung snickered, eyes round with mock shock. He'd accumulated a number of dirty dishes from your coffee table in his hands. "Glad you're prepared to rest. Stay there and let me get whatever it is you need. I'll clean your place up a little as well, so don't stress about it."

  "No—Tae—"

  "Hush. Get the pyjama bottoms off, too, they're wet on the bottom."

  You'd been shouldering so much discomfort that your freezing wet ankles had eluded you. A glance down. "Oh. Yeah. I don't know if I can, though." You flopped your feeble arms. "Too far to reach." Plus, Taehyung could undress you now. To disrobe in any other way was to squander the opportunity.

  His mouth curved villainously. "Okay." Clap. "Let's see if I can do this in one swift move. Like a magician pulling a table cloth."

  Before his proposition had entirely processed, he pinched the hems of your sodden pyjama bottoms and snatched them from your legs. "Wh—"

  "Open sesame!"

  Wheezy giggling filled the air. "Oh, it hurts to laugh. Fuck." Being semi-naked and comically incapacitated only heightened the hilarity. Taehyung straddled your legs, twirling the wet pants in triumph— "Oww. Oh my God, stop, I can’t—” More rasping laughter. “What even goes on in your head? Also, magicians don't shout open sesame when they do that shit."

  "I do. That's why other magicians suck. They say the wrong words." He spoke it like he believed it, and for a moment he was again the boy from childhood, proclaiming the weirdest - but sincerest - of things. And now he was your loveable oddball. "Daddy's gonna get you some dry ones."

  And there was the gross-ass man he'd grown into.

  Nevermind.

  "Okay, you're taking that in a direction I don't want to go in, Tae," you protested, flimsily, through persistent laughs. With a half-hearted kick, you nudged him toward your bedroom. "Hurry up, my ass is getting cold."

  “A cold ass will do you good,” was his nonsensical retort. He wriggled out of his own, damp jeans as he went, gifting you the sight of his luscious ass in curve-hugging cotton. 

  You were appallingly close to catcalling take the boxers off too!, but in your current state you could barely lift a pinky, let alone give him the vigorous fucking he deserved.

  ---

  A little channel-hopping later, Taehyung returned. Armed, coincidentally, with your favourite flannel bottoms. Yes, it was likely just coincidence, but the romantic in you posited destiny. "Legs up," he commanded. You did try, but the attempt was laughable. Taehyung's sigh hit the back of your thighs. "Listen here, lazy," he crooned, turning your body with the care one would an undercooked omelette. Pyjama pants in hand, he glowered down at your defiant face, brandishing them like a threat. "You gonna co-operate?"

  "Nope." You turned your attention to the TV to stifle further laughter. Why you were hindering his attempts to help with your misbehaviour was anyone's guess. There was something irresistible about making trouble for him, though. Probably because Taehyung, too, was an unrepenting rascal.

  "Okay then," was his equivocal response. You scrutinised him through narrowed eyes, waiting on his next, underhanded move.

  Which was to tickle your feet. Underhanded indeed.

  "Oh, God, no!" you yelped, cried, rasped for breath. Flailed your legs like a fawn on skates.

  "Thought you couldn't move, huh? Huh?" Taehyung caught your ankles amidst their thrashing and pulled them through freshly-laundered flannel.

  Once the pyjamas reached your knees, you relented in your nonsense and shot him a buoyant smile. "Thanks."

  "Hips up."

  This time, you were obedient.

  And Taehyung was thankful. A fine smile shone back at you as he settled the waistband around your hips. Your smile, however, drifted. Awe replaced it as you stole glances at his beautifully-hewn features. He truly was sublime. The bridge of his nose was high and strong, its tip hosting the most precious of moles. Beneath his bottom lip there was another. These little details, of course, hadn’t escaped you before, but it was something to see them so close now. With time, you would kiss each and every of his chaotically placed moles. 

  When you recalled your gaze upward, Taehyung was watching you. The chocolate of his eyes was molten with feeling. Love and warmth irradiated him. "Can't believe you're mine now."

  It was crucial that you kiss him.

  You moved to do so. His lips were only a breath away. But then—

  Three, distinct knocks.

  You traded looks. Yours, petrified. His, outraged.

  "Wait—"

  But Taehyung's weight had already left you. An intimidating energy lingered in his wake as he strode toward the staircase, fists clenched. "I'll get that."

  "Tae, no—"

  The difficulty with which it took you to extricate yourself from your slanket was all the more frustrating for the urgency of the situation. You staggered, almost toppled, to catch him, but he'd already descended the steps by the time you reached the top. Damn those lovely, long legs of his. All you could do now was brace yourself on either bannister to prevent a gruesome fall. Because no amount of honeyed pleading was going to stop him. You peered, lightly nauseous, down the expanse of stair as Taehyung slung open the door.

  It came as no surprise that it was Jungkook stood there, his doe-eyes wide.

  It eviscerated your guts, nonetheless, to see him.

  “Noona!”

  At first, he lit up in elation. Perhaps he thought the door-answerer to be you. When Taehyung’s identity became clear, however, that elation morphed. First, to shock. Your long-legged lover wasn’t wearing pants, after all. But when Jungkook spied you at the back all shy, sadness again descended upon him. It was a sadistic hope that your sickly appearance intensified that upset. That it fueled his guilt for having decimated you. With every, shredded fibre of your being, you wished Jungkook hurt.

  “Thank you for answering the door,” he began with an earnest bow, as though he didn’t know just how much you abhorred him. “H—”

  "I answered the door. What do you want?" Taehyung straddled the doorframe, asserting his dominance over the territory. Jungkook's every attempt to look past him was foiled. The lissom man angled himself obstructively, and yet you sought Jungkook's face, too. Wanted to glimpse the heartbreaker for yourself, like he was some loathsome thing of legend. Like it was hard to believe you'd looked into that face just yesterday and seen the world. "Don't you ever give up?" he added, his patience sounding pencil-thin.

  After several, weighty seconds of silence, Jungkook eventually acknowledged Taehyung's existence. Addressed him earnestly. "I know I'm not welcome here. I just want a couple of minutes with ____ to explain what she saw—" A derisive snort threatened to cut him off, so he continued hastily, and louder— "—Not for my benefit. For hers. I don't want her to—to—" Choked with frustration, Jungkook thrust himself into your sightline. Implored you with large, gleaming eyes. "I don't want you to blame yourself in any way."

  You despised how pregnable you were under his gaze. Like imminent, avoidable death, it became impossible to look away. The void called. There, in his desolate eyes. He wanted you to join him. 

  No, Jungkook didn’t need you anymore. What he wanted was absolution. At great personal cost to you. But whatever he wished, no matter how detrimental, you would likely grant. 

  Because as much as you hated him, you loved him.

  “I—”

  But you loved Taehyung, too.

  “____?” And he was there, soft voice enticing you back toward the light. Back toward his pretty face and tender-hearted intentions. There was no hurt to be had with Taehyung.

  "I don't,” you spat, clear-minded once more. “I don’t blame myself, Jungkook. Only you.” 

  But you did blame yourself. Every second since, in fact. 

  Too fat, too boring, too ugly, too old, too much baggage—

  It mustn't have been too convincing an outburst. Jungkook's mouth remained a thin, grim line. And those fucking eyes of his were so fucking ridiculously big and sad and—fuck!

  It was all too much.

  Mercifully, Taehyung was composed enough to mediate. You, however, were on the brink of emotional - and physical - collapse. "You heard her." Again, he filled out the doorframe. Stood provocatively close to the man in front. "You fucked up majorly. Actually—" Taehyung leaned in. His baritone dived lower. "You're lucky we're not alone right now."

  Jungkook did not recoil an inch. Neither did he square up, though. He just stood, toe-to-toe with Taehyung, receiving the vitriol.

  "You've imparted your message. You’re too late. You shouldn’t have done it in the first place. Are you finally going to go?"

  At that, something bubbled within Jungkook. It shook his frame, balled his fists. Blinking came more rapidly. And then— "I know all that, dude. Look, I’m not here to fight with you. I appreciate what you’re doing, and that you’re protecting her, but I just—I need to talk to noona—to ___ a little longer. Privately. I just need a little more time. Please. Let me get the words out."

  Taehyung bore impossibly close. "You don't need more time."

  Jungkook’s mouth opened, combatively downturned. But whatever he meant to launch next was stymied when you took one, noodly step down the stairs. Taehyung turned toward the movement, and Jungkook peered past. It was then that he clocked just how arduous it was for you to move. “Noona? Are you okay?”

  Dizzyness crowded your peripheral vision. But Jungkook was front and centre, and so painfully clear, that the influenza quietened. "I don't want to see you, Jungkook. I’m pretty sure I got that across yesterday. How many times do I have to tell you to leave me alone? What if I don’t even want to hear your damn sob story?"

  He fell mute when your words reached him. Like he could scarcely believe you'd deigned him worthy of directly addressing. Palms pressed together and with his mouth agape, he looked the picture of a supplicant.

  But he was unworthy.

  No, I am.

  You hung your head again. It was strenuous on your neck; weighing like a cannonball. "I don't want to stand here all day, Jungkook. Fucking say something. Why did you come here if—"

  "Because I love you!” he gasped. “I love you, and—"

  "Bullshit you do!"

  It came from Taehyung, not you. He'd turned back, teeth bared, no longer saying but growling. There he was. Your guard dog. The leash was straining. "You don't love someone and hide a fucking fiancee, you piece of shit." Jungkook flinched at Taehyung's ferocity, but remained stalwart on his spot. Curled his lip instead. "You blew it. Now go."

  Jungkook shook his head suddenly, violently. Flung rain from his hair and onto the walls. "This has nothing to do with you!" The bridge of his nose scrunched tight and bared not bunny teeth, but fangs.

  Taehyung swatted away the finger poised aggressively at his chest. Stepped closer, but didn't stop. No, he bumped him back toward the threshold with his chest. "It does now. Read between the lines, dumbass."

  Jungkook was ineffably innocent. “What do you mean?” He stared into Taehyung’s narrowed eyes to glean more meaning. 

  And then he gulped.

  Jungkook’s gaze flickered to Taehyung’s immodestly nude legs, and clarity began to dawn. It astounded you how little reaction Taehyung’s state of undress had initially garnered from Jungkook. But now he was giving the situation its due attention.

  A few, unmoving moments later, he gulped again. Harder this time, like something tangibly obstructed his speech. “N-Noona?” It was a mere rasp.

  When Jungkook looked back, eyes glossy with devastation, your heart tore again. Right along its freshly-stitched seams. You tried desperately to avert your gaze, but the void shimmering back at you was dense. His voice reached for you again. "____?" 

  Your name, alien in tone, was what finally closed your eyes. Fresh tears ran down established tracks. You turned away, grip on the bannisters dubious.

  "You and—him?" Jungkook gasped, so quietly, so pained, it was like agonal breath.

  You crumpled as if stomped on. Your chest was ablaze, and you wanted so desperately to clutch at it. To smother it. To cradle your torso as it caved once more. But you were too impaired to move. Instead, you stood there, frozen and hunched, crying uglier than you could remember ever letting anyone see. Staring at your toes as the carpet caught your tears. 

  But why? You should be overjoyed to shatter him as he had you.

  "Get it? Now go." Taehyung sighed, all the fight siphoning from him. He backed up from Jungkook and went monotone. "You've upset ___. Again. This is your last warning. Get going."

  Predictably, Jungkook didn't budge. In the ensuing silence, however, he didn't plead his case as he once would have done. No, something about him was changed. An aggrieved aura hugged him, expanded, until— "Last warning? Fuck you, Kim Taehyung." His eyes, once brimming with tears, now seared with a fury. Even Taehyung looked taken aback. The outburst came sharp despite its gentle source. Again, Jungkook thrust forward an accusing finger. "Don't pretend you're better than me. You're selfish. I knew you couldn't wait to get your dick in her. I knew it ever since we saw you at the movies and you looked so fucking jealous—"

  The gasp that exited you was so heavy with outrage it almost took you with it. You gripped the bannisters tighter, wobbled down two further steps. You had to de-escalate this. Somehow. "Jungkook!"

  He granted you a brief, guilt-ridden side-glance before once again affixing his target with a glare. "You were just waiting for your moment, weren't you? Didn't want her 'til I had her. Couldn't bear the thought of your closest friend not being one of your conquests."

  “Shut the fuck up!”

  You didn't make it in time. Not before Taehyung wound back his elbow and snapped it forward, a hard, coiled fist on its end. It landed, brutal and blunt, on Jungkook's jaw. A dull, fleshy thud resounded, but to you it was like a gunshot. And so was the way his head and body whipped away, spiralling until his knees buffered his fall.

  "Oh my G—Jungkook!"

  The younger man, crouched away as he was, breathed deep, coppery air. Smeared his mouth along his sleeve, leaving red where it touched. And then, standing, he glared hatred at Taehyung. His shoulders shuddered with untethered anger. "You—"

  "It's more than that for me. I can't say the same for you," Taehyung cut in, surveying his reddened knuckles. He flexed his fingers for feeling. "Fucking cheater."

  Distracted, Taehyung was unprepared for the solid hunk of human that caught him around his midsection. Jungkook tackled him without caution, throwing his entire, intimidating mass into Taehyung's lankier frame. The two surged into the ground, clawing and grappling at the other's limbs, eyes wild, lips stretched back from teeth.

  "Stop!"

  "Oh my God, stop it!"

  Neither listened. They were feral. Both heard only the rush of blood.

  Knowing you must intervene, you manipulated your ragdollish limbs into descending the last half dozen steps. It was then, after an elongated struggle, Jungkook clambered atop Taehyung and fisted the collar of his shirt, glaring daggers enough to maim him.

  “You’re so fucking smug—”

  “Why shouldn’t I be? I’m not the one who fucked up!” Taehyung crowed from beneath, maniacal. He taunted Jungkook with an angular grin, like he wasn’t the one at disadvantage. 

  “Shut up!”

  Once your feet met ground, you crumbled to your knees, Taehyung's head of hair between them. The sneer he brandished fell when he caught sight of your sweat-soaked face. Pitifully you pressed against Jungkook's shoulders, dissuading him from further violence. You felt like a toreador pushing on 1800lbs of charging bull. Jungkook didn't even so much as register your attempts until you wheezed out, "P-Please stop."

  He did. He went rigid, in fact. Trembled, when he became aware of your touch. His rage evaporated and the boy that sat there was no longer a bull but a meek little kit. Trepidation rolled from Jungkook in waves, and he would not meet your eyes.  

  Why? 

  Was he now repulsed by you? 

  How could he judge you for your indiscretion when he—he—! 

  No. It wasn't an indiscretion. What you did with Taehyung held no moral ambiguity. 

  It occurred to you, then, that the pair of you hadn't been so close since the last time you were intimate. And happy. Though damp, Jungkook's familiar, and once comforting scent, brushed your nostrils. Perhaps your proximity was what flustered him.

  When he finally met your gaze, you knew it to be true. He didn't look upon you with the anger nor revulsion you expected. Not anything obvious, anyway. Instead it was the wide-eyed wonder from your first date. The shyness. For just a moment, you allowed yourself to revisit it. 

But then his brows drooped low in remorse. "Noona," he called to you like you were far away. Pined for you. Taehyung's shirt fell from his clutches, and you found his hands on your elbows instead, propping up your drooping form.

  Feverish before, you were positively boiling now. To have his gentle palms on you again, no matter the circumstance, was a threat to your hastily-cobbled retreat. His fingertips told you, as they caressed your inner elbow, that any other man's hands would never do. And yet - you squirmed feebly, recalling it - those hands had been on, been in some other woman's body. And that would never do. "Don't touch me, J-Jungkook. Not with those hands."

  But it was his hands that stirred your heart into uproar. 

  No. It was simply the flu. Nothing more. It influenced your body in the oddest ways. 

  And there was someone that had pumped your blood for far longer.

  You cast your eyes to where Taehyung lay, honey hair a halo about his head and eyes only for you. Love bloomed fiercely in the bowels of your heart. “You really don’t look very good.” He made to push Jungkook off, but the younger man was already up on his knees, scanning your wan complexion. 

  "Are you burning up?" Jungkook murmured, his lips a line of concern. "You feel hot." Again he clasped your elbows, testing along their length for temperature. When he reached your upper arms, he was bold enough to advance on your neck, thumbs either side the line of your jaw. To your great shame, though you attributed it in most part to the fever, you enjoyed Jungkook's handling. "Your glands are out. And—" he pressed a cool, clammy palm to your clammier forehead. Spellbound, your eyes closed. "Yeah, you're even hotter up here, noona."

  "No shit, dumbass," Taehyung growled from above. When you opened your eyes, he was no longer supine but towering over the two of you, fingers twitching by his sides. You foresaw Jungkook's imminent scalping if you weren't quick to intervene. "You chased her into torrential rain. She's sick, asshole, and it's your fault."

  But there was no need to intervene. Jungkook didn't anger again. Nor did he stare down the man spitting insults. His focus remained fixed on you. On the damage he'd done. The deadened, bloodshot eyes, the pallid skin, the absence of joy. Of understanding. "I-I'm sorry," was all he could think to say? Again?

  Desperate, you implored him for more with forlorn eyes. Begged him for sense. Practically mouthed the word please. It would be nothing you wanted to hear, but perhaps hearing it could bring closure. Some semblance of peace, eventually, in some far-off year. 

  Jungkook stared back, ruminating, and you knew there was no sense to be found. None that you wanted, anyway. Jungkook was a liar, an adulterer, a manipulator—

  "Alright, you said sorry again. Time to go." Taehyung hauled him up by his underarms and, hopefully, away from you forever. It was a credit to him for tolerating Jungkook’s presence for so long. Especially when all he did was regurgitate the same, tired shit. "Don't come here again, or I'll call the cops," he snarled to Jungkook's ear, spittle flying. With a grip on the scruff of Jungkook's jacket, he whirled him toward the door.

  "She's not my fiancee!"

  Taehyung paused. As did you, in your agonised ascent into standing.

  "She's not my fiancee," Jungkook repeated over his shoulder, looking for you over his gathering jacket. "I wanted to talk to you about it calmly, and in private. It's not simple, and it’s hard to believe."

  "Don't lie to me n-now, Jungkook." The finger with which you jabbed at him, trembled. "I asked you that. You said she was."

  Taehyung's expression darkened by the second. It would devolve into another brawl at this rate, and you didn't want that. Not because you didn't want to see Jungkook get served, but because you didn't want him in your presence another gut-wrenching moment.

  Brazenly, Jungkook yanked himself from Taehyung's grip and turned, palms up and pacifying. He inched back toward the door; a gesture of his intent to finally leave. "Look. It's because technically she is, but it's not real—I'm going, asshole!—" Jungkook waved his arms demonstratively at the nearing door. Having appeased Taehyung, he pinned you again with fervent eyes. "What you saw wasn't the truth. If you won't hear me out entirely, at least hear that.”

  “No-one believes you. Everything you say is a fucking contradiction.” Taehyung was red and riled again. 

  Jungkook ignored him, his time short. “I won't text you anymore, I won't come here anymore. What I’ve done to you is unforgivable. I know that. I should never have lied. But—" The lamp outside illuminated his bedraggled hair. The tip of his nose when he turned. "You know my number if you do want to hear me out. I'll be around for a bit longer.”

  A bit longer?

  You granted him the minutest of nods.

  It was enough. Nodding back, Jungkook turned on his heel and flew around the corner. And though he was gone, his silhouette stayed seared into your retinas, haunting your every blink. It was only when Taehyung replaced him in the doorway that Jungkook faded. “Come on, babe. Let’s get you back on the sofa.” 

  Wow, he was tall.

Oh.

  Somehow, you were on the floor again. You squinted up at him with sore, watering eyes, overwhelmed by it all. You reached for him like an infant would its parent, too vulnerable to move, and too stupid to know better. “Okay.”

  "It’s been a shitty day, but I’m gonna try and make it better. Why don’t we have a Netflix nostalgiafest?" Taehyung cooed into your sodden hair, no minding the sweat. He wound your arms around his neck, legs about his waist and chauffered you up the stairs, grunting by the step. Exaggerating the effort by comedic amounts in order to provoke you.

  “Sure.”

  But you were far, far away. Hidden behind your glazed eyes, the encounter replayed on loop. Lingered on Jungkook's Disney eyes and big buck teeth. The ones you loved back when he deserved to be loved. The nonsense he spouted toward the end was of particular interest in your mental re-runs, even though it should have immediately been dismissed.

  'What you saw wasn't the truth.'

  But neither was his relationship with you. Not when he kept such weighty secrets as sport.

  'I'll be around for a bit longer.'

  And that? Another of his manipulative tactics? Was he really leaving, or merely dangling the threat of it?

  But why would it be a threat? You wanted nothing more than him to be gone.

  Oh, it was all so bad. Everything was bad. Everything was too much, and, oh, even being in your body was too much, let alone your mind. You were drowning in affliction. Assailed from all sides with nothing for defense.

  "Babe."

  All went black, and then you opened your eyes. Taehyung stood over you, mouth downturned. Cotton caressed your naked skin, and you knew these were your sheets. This was your bed. Your lover had stripped you of your oppressive pyjamas. You stared at the mole on his nose, the one under his bottom lip. One, two. You could count to two.

  "Are you doing okay? Your fever really spiked there. Should I call a doctor?"

  “No, no.”

  Perhaps you'd simply hallucinated the entire encounter. Perhaps it was your mind's exercise in catharsis. Or perhaps Jungkook had never existed to begin with, and his betrayal was the product of a detailed fever dream. Taehyung was real, though, and here he was still. Your forever best friend. Your secret love. You had not yet confessed your love to this real Taehyung. But now you were awake, you would seize the chance. Because if there was one thing your prolonged nightmare had taught you, it was that you should have just done it to begin with. On the porch those years ago, when the stars weighed heavy over his head and dared you to kiss him.

  "I love you," you rasped, sounding like Death's next call.

  And just like it should have happened then, Taehyung lowered his face to yours. "I love you too, noona," he murmured through a joyous smile, brushing together your noses first, lips second. "But it's time for your next dose of painkillers. We gotta get this in you ‘cause your fever’s really mounting. Pretty sure you’ve been hallucinating. It’s worrying me. I’m this close—” he pinched together his fingers— “to calling a doctor. I don't think that asshole turning up did you much good."

  Brainless, you repeated. "No doctor. Asshole?"

  "Yeah, Jungkook." A tray of painkillers dangled from the corner of Taehyung’s mouth while he poured water. "Lying douchebag. Who, by the way, will not be working at the school anymore. Not if I have something to say about it."

  The words went in, but floated right back out. The ceiling swirled.

  "Oh." He was real. 

  Of course, you knew that. Even in the murk of fever it was apparent. Still, it’d been nice to pretend for a while.

  The sound of preparation ceased and the mattress dipped. Taehyung extended your next dose and a glass of water to you. His expression was no longer so sunny, but clouded with disquiet. "Talk to me, ____. I know you're sick, but that's not all that's going on in that muddled head of yours. It might help to talk. I know you don’t like it, but you don’t have to be afraid. Just try it."

  It was a credit to your weakened state that you were so loose-lipped. You downed the pills and curled around Taehyung's seated position, molding to his lap. "I'm just—I don't know." Your cheek was hot against his thigh. His Calvin Klein waistband stared back at you. "I don't want to be sad anymore. I'm so, so sad. It's unbearable. I can't handle much as it is. It doesn't take a lot to drag me down, but this, this—" Tears welled. Taehyung's slender fingers were there to catch them. "This feels almost too much. Even with you here. It's like I'm locked in a mental prison."

  "I know, babe," he whispered, stroking your face free of limpid hair. "It's gonna take a while to feel better, like it does with any big change. What he did to you was villain material. Of course you're going to be devastated." For once, you listened. "You don't owe him forgiveness, though he tried his damned best to get it. For his own selfish satisfaction, I'm sure. And you don't owe him anything else, either, not even the thoughts in your brain. Though I know that's gonna take a while, too. I'm sure it's all you can think about." You nodded, snuffled into your blanket until it was wet. A sob felt ripe for eruption. "The flu won't make things easier, either. You're not losing your mind. You just need rest. And when you're not resting, distraction. I'm on hand for the latter." All that he said was all that you craved to hear. A tremulous smile - of relief, of gratitude - wobbled into place. Taehyung must have seen. "That's it, babe. It won't always be this bad, okay?"

  You nodded, marring his exemplary thighs with a variety of unpleasant excretions. "Ugh. Sorry." You’d been intimate just one day with Taehyung and you were already establishing yourself as a repellent bog monster. Usually that happens at least 3 years in.

  Taehyung merely chuckled. Kept the tissue box out of reach when you moved for it, thinking himself funny. It was only upon your panicked pleas of oh my god, snot’s gonna go in my mouth, that he finally indulged you. By wiping your nose for you, cooing all the while. "That better, little baby?"

  Your face spelt vexation. But inwardly, yes, yes, it was better.

  Taehyung made you so.

-

Next: 13 ASAP! || WYLEI Masterlist

[starfirette]

Oooohh could u do the A-Z smut alphabet with Helena? (Totally cool if not tho💗) thanks!

NSFW Alphabet for Helena, I have honestly been waiting for someone to ask me this

A = Aftercare (what they’re like after sex)

Cuddle her pls 

B = Body part (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

Your legs and your tits TBH. But damn, you could really get her going by just wearing a nice skirt or dress that shows of your legs. Skinny jeans are also very amazing. 

C = Cum (anything to do with cum, basically)

She understands why guys have the “cum on her tits” thing after she ends up with you. If she could do it, she one hundred percent would. I mean she technically COULD do it but it doesn’t really have the same satisfying affect as opposed to if she were a guy.

D = Dirty secret (pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

She really likes the idea of getting caught. She tends to dabble with exhibitionism. 

E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?)

She’s experienced when it comes to sex but clueless about actual relationships

F = Favorite position (this goes without saying)

LET HER BE A GOTH TOP OKAY??? She is a straight up DOM. She will occasionally switch things up if you’re begging her, but besides that she’s gotta have you under her

G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.)

Mmmm she’s known by others to be stoic, serious, and even a little scary, but with you she can totally relax and crack jokes. I can’t see her being totally funny this way during sex though, she’s always sort of intense and serious.

H = Hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.)

TBH she doesn’t care. She’s comfortable enough with you that she doesn’t feel the need to always have shaved legs or a completely smooth bikini area

I = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect)

She can be romantic, of course, but she usually is more of a dom in the sense that she’ll punish you for misbehaving or withhold orgasms. It’s right on the brink between “love making” and “fucking” with Helena

J = Jack off (masturbation headcanon)

She usually doesn’t ever feel the need to masturbate by herself. I wouldn’t say she does it “regularly” but she’ll occasionally indulge. She does have a rule that you’re not allowed to touch yourself when she’s gone for a few days. If you decide to break this rule, do your best not to let her know, BC she won’t be nice and let you slip by a punishment

K = Kink (one or more of their kinks)

daddy/mommy, dom+sub, bondage, being ma’am, exhibitionism; she’s big on the bratty + commander sort of situation as well, where she is “in charge” and you can either ge rewarded or punished 

L = Location (favorite places to do the do)

LOL. As previously mentioned, she’s low key an exhibitionist. She also likes the thrill of someone seeing you two together. If you’re both spending the night at Harley’s place or something similar, yall are going to do it on every surface you can. She does like to pin you up against the window and have you look over the city while she uses a vibrator on you. 

M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)

Cute ass outfits are the number one way to get her turned on. Be careful not to make her jealous; leaving the house deliberately with a “revealing” outfit is what she considers bratty behavior 

N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

There are lots of things she cringes at. For example, she wouldn’t like an age-type of roleplay (where you’d be playing a much younger, even child like, persona). She’s not toooo keen on threesomes either, mostly because she would get suuuper jealous. 

O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

She’d go down on you all day long if she could. Put on some music or hand you the remote for the television, sit your ass on the couch, and let her stay between your thighs for hours.

P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.)

If you’re being punished then don’t expect to be cumming any time soon. For rewards you can ask her to be as rough/soft, fast/slow as you’d like. 

Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)

She likes to use her fingers on you if you guys have to go fast. 

R = Risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.)

She’s pretty deadset in her ways. She’ll experiment, but she prefers to be domming you

S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?)

She’s got a pretty high stamina which can be intimidating in bed. She just doesn’t tire and she doesn’t let up. She’ll keep you crying for hours 

T = Toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?)

She’s got some things she’ll use on you. When she’s stressed, she likes to have you use a vibrator on her, instructing you what to do and praising you on making her feel good

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

This depends on if you’ve been bratty or not, or if she’s in a bad mood. Like I said, you essentially call the shots during rewards

V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.)

She’s vocal for sure but she isn’t that loud

W = Wild card (a random headcanon for the character)

“I’ve had a bad day,” she’ll sigh as she sinks onto the sofa. She pats her thighs. “Come sit on mommy’s lap and suck on her tits”

X = X-ray (let’s see what’s going on under those clothes)

She’s got smaller breasts but their so. fucking. cute. I cannot stress enough how much I’d be constantly playing with them.

Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?)

It’s pretty average TBH. She likes sex as much as the next person but she’ll have her days when she just wants to cuddle or gorge on her favorite foods.

Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

She could stay up for a while afterwards. She likes watching you sleep and making sure everything is safe and comfortable for you. She couldn’t possible fall asleep if something is off in the house.

[peachynxmjxxn]

hiiii i hope ur safe and healthy 🥺 i was wondering if u have any long, plot heavy fics? any ship is fine, thank uu!!

hope you are too! thank you for the request.

to start off, here’s pretty much the best super-long universe of fics i’ve read:

[E, series, 650k overall damn] Guardian verse by captainmentalstability

it features the hyyh pairings, and some of the hyyh storylines, but with a “supernatural” twist. please read the tags before reading, guys!

now, on to the assortment. some of these will be plot heavy in an intense manner, but some will also be long but lighthearted. i’m quite heavy on the yoonkook, apologies

[E, 107k] something in the water by notyoongs pairing: yoonkook some tags: pirates au, lovers to enemies to lovers, minor char. death, mutual pining, slow burn, fluff, angst summary: after being arrested, pirate captain jeon jeongguk is given an ultimatum—help the military find and capture five of the most notorious pirates on korean waters or be executed for his crimes. the choice should be easy… except jeongguk must work with naval commander min yoongi, the man he once loved and lost and has since learned to hate. but the sea has a funny way of mending broken things, and jeongguk has always been at her mercy.

[E, 87k] while the city slept by notyoongs pairing: yoonkook some tags: travel au, summer romance, strangers to friends to lovers, slow burn, mutual pining, fluff and humor, gay panic, sexual tension, awkward flirting, angst summary:  the seven of them are only traveling europe together for a few weeks, but it’s more than enough time for yoongi and jeongguk to fall in love, over and over, in every country they visit.

[M, 36k] Spanish Doll by saengie pairing: namjin some tags: painter namjoon, muse seokjin (eventual smut has 3some, 5some) summary: What Seokjin expected of his summer holiday in the wine country of Spain had been wine, sleep, and more wine. Being the muse for the recluse painter Namjoon and arguing the finer points of post modern art as pillow talk had never crossed his mind.

[T, 58k] the strongest stars have hearts of cypher by linkpoisoned pairing: namjin some tags: fake/pretend relationship, arranged marriage au, space au, forced marriage, politics, royalty au, enemies to friends to lovers, scifi au summary: if only we could learn to love each other, even in a void without. in a universe far far away, kim namjoon and kim seokjin have been thrown into an arranged marriage that needs to appear real. fumbling through a fake relationship isn't fun, and it's even less so when everything about the two clashes. (or: namjin space au w/ fake relationship & arranged marriage. y'all know where this is going, buckle up for the ride.)

[E, 62k] All These Sleepless Nights by mucha pairing: taegi some tags: non-famous au, fluff and angst, slow burn, strangers to friends to lovers, writer yoongi summary: Yoongi is a writer whose life is falling apart around him. Until one day he sees a stranger reading his book and everything changes.

[E, 51k] Say My Name (And I'll Lie in the Sound) by fadetomorrow pairing: taegi some tags: historical au summary: Taehyung wakes up 500 years in the past and catches feelings for a Joseon prince.

[E, 21k] The Lesser Evil by Rose_gold715 pairing: jikook some tags: (please read the tags on the page for the triggers), mafia au, angst summary: Jimin falls in love with a member of the mafia, but he's also a police informant. He just wants to do what's right.

[M, 133k] Take Cover by almostsophie1 pairing: yoonkook some tags: police, organized crime, undercover missions summary: Undercover officer Min Yoongi moves into a shitty apartment complex for his assignment (infiltrating a crime ring- a perfect callback to the life Yoongi tried to leave behind), only to have his new neighbor, a certain broke college student named Jeongguk, get mixed up in his life.

[series, 245k overall] Creating A Home by CheekyBrunette (plot heavy: we see the children grow up, as well as their individual adoption stories) pairing: parents!namjin some tags: (check the tags as some of the stories have some triggering scenes) summary of 1st story: Seokjin is used to getting calls from social workers at all hours of the day, but never this late at night. (In which Hoseok loses a mom and gains two dads and four brothers.)

[M, 33k] the castle on the hill by bellamees pairing: yoonkook some tags: hyyh au, spring day au, hurt/comfort summary: mom, dad, i'm sorry, but i've got to go.

[E, 130k] What’s a Soul Really Worth, Anyway? by thisneedsmorefilth pairing: jikook some tags: smut, angst, fluff, contracts, witches, demons, magic au, 7ds au summary: Jungkook and his coven summon a demon for Samhain. The issue is getting him to leave. Or - Six witches wrongly assume that just because you CAN summon something like Jimin, that you SHOULD.

[E, 53k] 陰間 | KAGEMA by makkurokuro93 pairing: yoonkook some tags: prostitute yoongi, undercover cop yoongi (please read the tags for further details on the violence) summary: “Pretty, isn’t he? There's a reason why Yoongi is my personal favorite.” He doesn’t really hear it as his focus is entirely taken by another man sitting on the armrest of the sofa in a loose crimson blood yukata, whose skin pale as porcelain, lips red as cherry, and eyes dark as onyx. Yoongi, his brain repeats the information, his name is Yoongi. “I’m not usually offering to anyone, but I’ve taken a liking to you, Jeon Jungkook,” the head of the clan says again, voice dropped lower as he continues with a twisted grin, “do you, perhaps, want to spend a night with him?” Min Yoongi is a forbidden fruit. And just like Adam, Jungkook is tempted to get a taste. “Yes.”

[merlin-wolfgang-trades-hale]

“Hey man, where were you?” Chin asked as Steve joined him for lunch.

Steve rolled his eyes. “Random drug test.”

Kono and Chin both shared a raised eyebrow look before Chin asked, “Excuse me? You? Mr. I-Can’t-Ever-Let-An-Old-Lady-Cross-The-Street-Herself, star quarterback, honor roll, 4.0 GPA McGarrett was tested for drugs?”

Kono scoffed out a chuckle, “Why?”

“Whittemore’s still pissed I’m captain. He saw me talking with Williams and started making accusations.” Steve explained with a shrug. His lying has gotten way better since being in a relationship with Danny.

Part of him really hates the secrecy. He doesn’t have a problem with it, and both he and Danny were strong enough to deal with anyone stupid enough to try to bully them. And yet...they just weren’t ready.

Their lives were too different. Steve worked his butt off to get where he is now so he could go to the best school and make his dad proud. He doesn’t have time to properly date anyway. The amount of work he had to put into to get the full ride to Stanford was insane. And maintaining everything so he doesn’t lose it is still hard work.

So his thing with Danny works.

Though he has to keep reminding himself constantly that it does.

He has to keep reminding himself what it is. Mostly physical. Somewhat romantic.

It would be so much easier if Danny was the persona he pretends to be. If he were that rude, uncaring, lost cause that society has given up on.

But he’s not.

Relationship wise? Steve’s never felt more intense orgasms than when Danny has a hand in it. Danny worships his body and makes him feel things he didn’t think were possible. Not to mention he’s an amazing kisser.

When Steve began to tutor him, he dreaded it. He just wanted to get the points that tutoring would get him and just be done with it. The moment the clock struck 4, he’d be gone.

But Danny wasn’t stupid, he just needed someone to explain it in a different way. He was so clever. And he was funny. Sarcastic with a humor that was right up Steve’s alley.

And the body? Yeah, okay Steve’s lost more than a few hour’s of sleep just thinking about Danny’s body even before they kissed.

Danny was also not as bad a guy as people at school make him out to be. Yeah, he smokes. Both weed and cigarettes but he’s not violent. He’s gotten in fights before but Steve’s come to learn that the guys that Danny’s gotten into fights with were the rich ass hats that think they can get away with anything because of their family status.

Danny also works! Yeah it’s at a garage and sometimes he misses days if not a full week of school to work, but it’s not because he doesn’t care about education. His family is big and sometimes income is low. So Danny provides for his family.

Danny was an amazing guy, but no one outside of his family, a few co-workers, and Steve knew it.

“You’re still tutoring Williams? ACT’s are done. If he can’t grasp the material now, is it even worth it?” Kono asked.

Steve shrugged, “Tutoring looks good on my resume.”

“Well, with how often he’s at school, I can’t see you being bothered too much by him,” Chin added.

Steve frowned for a moment before he remembered he had to smile.

That was something he was trying to avoid thinking about. Graduation was coming up. He himself was nervous but excited at the same time. He was very proud of what he’s been able to do and the school he got into. His dad was really proud too. He’d thrown Steve the biggest ‘congratulations’ party they could afford and it was amazing.

But Danny hadn’t gotten into college. He had tried, and only Steve knew.

Steve was there to hold Danny as he cried and called himself stupid and a failure. He did everything he could to reassure Danny that he wasn’t either. But Danny still wouldn’t be going to college this fall. Steve would.

“What’s so bloody special about the West Coast anyway?” Danny demanded.

“It’s one of the best schools, Danny!” Steve argued.

“What about your family? You’re big on family. I know you’re always worried about your kid sister. How are ya gonna keep her outta trouble all the way from over there?”

“Mary’s gotta grow up some time and she will. She’s proud of me, and so is my dad. I...why can’t you be proud of me too?”

“I just...I am proud Steve, it’s amazing how smart you are. I just...I don’t see why you can’t stay here…” the ‘with me’ was left unsaid, but Steve heard it.

“I have to see how far I can go, Danny. I’m sorry.’

Danny hadn’t talked to him for about two weeks after that. It was actually their first conversation that Whittemore witness. Danny doesn’t sell, but when he’s at school he does tend to hang out with those who do. According to Danny, Whittemore is a frequent buyer of steroids, which is why he was so good. Their conversation that Whittemore witness was so forced and school-related that Steve seemed a bit angry while Danny remained stoic. Whittemore tried to tease Steve about being cut off by Danny.

Steve felt like he was, but not in the way Whittemore thought.

They hadn’t broken up officially, but it felt like it.

“Williams residence, Clara speaking.”

“Hey, Mrs. Williams. This is Steve McGarrett. I’m Danny’s tutor. We were supposed to meet up at the library today but he never showed.”

“Oh, hello dear. So sorry about that. Daniel...he uh...he had a doctor’s appointment. Wasn’t feeling so well.”

“Is he alright?” Steve asked with concern.

“He will be. I’ll tell him you called. Stuart, was it?”

“Steve. Steve McGarrett.”

“Of course. Sorry. Bye-bye.”

Danny had kept himself from getting hit in the face, but apparently, he got in a lot more trouble after Steve told him he wasn’t going to stay in Jersey. One week he was gone because he got arrested in a bar brawl and it took some time for his dad to get the bail money.

Another week he was in the hospital because of a street brawl.

They hadn’t officially broken up so Steve got to see him some nights when Danny snuck into Steve’s room. He wouldn’t go into detail, they barely talked any more. They both knew it was ending and they just wanted to hold on to what they had left.

Steve hoped to see Danny at graduation, but the blonde was nowhere in sight. Steve tried to call many times, even go to visit but Danny was avoiding him like the plague.

Eventually, it was time for Steve to leave.

The first few weeks he still thought about Danny. Even called a few times, but no answer.

Weeks turned to months, months turned to years, and so much has happened.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Hey! Look who’s back!”

Steve smiled as he hugged Kono. She led him through the crowd of parents and family to where Chin and Malia were. They both hugged her too.

“Hey man, good to see you.” Chin greeted.

“Very good to see you, Steve,” Malia added.

“Thanks, guys. How’s the score?” Steve asked as he tried to find Sara out in the field.

“Still zero zero. You’re not that late.” Chin informed him, then Malia told him which number Sara was. They cheered for their little soccer player, and he and Chin were ecstatic when Sara scored the winning goal.

Steve was standing by, not wanting to get too much in the way of Chin and Malia’s moment with Sara. That’s when he heard it.

“Daddy we won! We won!”

“I saw monkey! I’m so proud of you!”

Steve froze. He pushed a bit through the crowd to see if it was really him, and it was.

Danny. Looking amazing as ever and...god.

“Can we go celebrate with Sara?” Grace asked.

“Grace did kick the ball to Sara so they could win. I think they both deserve ice cream.” Kono said with a smile. She then saw Steve gaping at Danny. “Steve...you remember Danny Williams right?”

“Uh...I...um…”

“Is he okay?” Grace asked Sara.

Sara giggled and shrugged, “That’s my Uncle Steve. He’s kinda weird.”

“You’re a cop.” Steve blurted out. The badge was shiny and the sunlight bounced off of it.

Danny blinked and looked at it before he laughed, “Yeah. I am.”

“These things could get very rowdy, but luckily since Grace began playing and Danny coming to support her, the badge keeps some of the more overzealous parents at bay,” Malia informed him.

“I think Steve’s a bit more shocked about me being a cop than a referee...I’m sure Chin’s mentioned that I was....”

“Quite the bad boy,” Kono said with a smirk.

“Yeah. So being a cop might not be what he expected.” Danny said with an easy smile. Something he didn’t use to do. He would walk around angry at the world. This...this was a nice look on him.

“Ah. Well, how about that ice cream?” Malia asked.

“I agree that they both deserve it. We’ll meet you guys at Kamekona’s shaved ice?” Danny asked.

When they parted ways, Kono decided to drive with Steve.

“He’s...he’s got a kid. So uh...who...who did Danny marry?” Steve choked out. He hated it because Kono was never one to fall for his bullshit.

“A Brit named Rachel. Didn’t work out. They divorced about two years ago. Danny’s living the single father life now.” Kono informed him.

“And he’s a cop?”

“Detective actually. Damn good at it too. You should see how sexy he looks in his Camaro.”

“Are you and him..?” God, he hoped not. He wasn’t sure he could stomach it.

“Hm? No. I think I missed my boat. After they got divorced, Danny decided to stop living a lie and came out as bi with a preference to men.”

“Ah. Cool. Very cool.” Steve said as he tried to remain cool, but he was secretly freaking out on the inside.

At the ice cream place, the girls were running back and forth trying to decide what they should get while simultaneously telling Kamekona about their win.

Chin and Malia kept an eye on them while deciding what to get for themselves, while Kono caught up with Flippa.

Danny approached Steve with a smile, “Hey...welcome home.”

Damn butterflies in Steve’s stomach. “Thanks. Congrats on the win.”

“We would train hard and it paid off. The girls did great.” Danny smiled at Grace and Sara. There was a pause there that Steve hated. Danny thankfully said something. “Hey, I know this is out of the blue but...would you let me take you out to dinner sometime while you’re here?”

“Like a date?” Steve asked instead of just saying yes. But part of him had to know.

“If that’s what you want it to be. I know I would. For all the times I couldn’t before.”

“You’d owe me a lot of dates then,” Steve told him.

“Are you staying long enough for me to take you out that many times?”

“I am,” Steve answered.

“Then tomorrow. Movies and dinner, yeah?”

“Movies and dinner. Sounds perfect.”

So I know it’s not perfect but I’m fighting some writer’s block and I saw this idea posted by @five-hoe and I hope it’s okay >.> 

[crackimagines]

I'm glad you guys enjoy my idea. tbh, I didn't expected you to write reference from L.A. Noire since I saw them as Sherlock and Watson, lol. Here's my another idea: Kyoko Phelps & Shuichi Bekowsky and the Mystery of Twogami. Souda was looking for Twogami and thought he was lost (but in reality, he was disguised as different person). As Souda give a pic of Twogami to them, it was Byakuya. YES, BYAKUYA HAVE TO GET INVOLVED THE MESS AGAIN.

Well then @cryptidcondiment , you know who to thank for this! Also, I will use every chance available to me to spread the good game that is LA Noire.

Thanks @aelichan for the ask, and I hope you and the others will enjoy!

THE DR CASES

THE IMPERSONATOR’S DAY OFF

Kyoko Phelps walked down the hallway, looking at a notebook she had been writing in.

(Kyoko) “I don’t get this at all…Somehow this book keeps filling in itself whenever I ask someone questions. Not only that, it somehow fills out the info I don’t even know about the person yet hyper accurately, and that’s not even getting to the face drawings…”

(Shuichi’s Voice) “Hey, Phelps!”

Kyoko looked up and saw Shuichi wave to her as he was talking with Kaede.

(Kyoko) “Hello Bekowsky. I take it this is the lucky lady?”

(Shuichi) “Yup. Kaede, this is my partner, Kyoko Phelps. We serve in the same desk, Traffic. Right now we’re off duty so that’s why we’re at school as of recently.”

(Kaede) “I told you to call me sweetheart Shui-…Um, hi there Kyoko! It’s nice to meet you!”

Kyoko shook hands with Kaede firmly.

(Kaede) “You’ve been treating the love of my life good haven’t you?”

(Shuichi) “K-Kaede!”

(Kyoko) “Of course. We’re partners after all. Besides, SOMEONE has to give him relationship advice-”

Kyoko turned to Shuichi with a playful smirk.

(Kyoko) “Don’t want you to end up in the doghouse after all-”

(Shuichi) “PHELPS!”

Kaede laughed heartily, before turning to Shuichi.

(Kaede) “I’m glad she has a sense of humor!”

(Shuichi) “I…don’t think that’s very funny-”

(Soda’s voice) “BYAKUYA! BYAKUYAAAAA!!!!!”

Soda frantically looked around the hallways, frantically searching for Byakuya Togami. He basically looked like a psychopath, shouting his name so loud to the point anyone could hear him from the cafeteria downstairs.

(Shuichi) “Isn’t that the Ultimate Mechanic?”

(Kaede) “Yeah, what’s he calling Byakuya for?”

(Kyoko) “Hm…Bekowsky, let’s check it out. Until next time, Kaede.”

(Kaede) “Yeah sure thing! See ya guys!”

Kaede hugged Shuichi fiercely, then waved them goodbye. Shuichi readjusted his hat, and turned to Kyoko.

(Shuichi) “You REALLY had to make that joke?!”

(Kyoko) “Oh come along my intense protege. Have a bit of fun once in a while.”

Kyoko and Shuichi walked up to Soda while displaying their badges.

(Kyoko) “Phelps and Bekowsky, LAPD. What seems to be the trouble?”

(Soda) “Oh thank god, the cops! Listen, a friend of mine has gone missing!”

(Kyoko) “You mean Byakuya Togami right? We heard you shouting his name.”

(Shuichi) “Wait, missing? What do you mean? Me and Phelps saw him a day or two ago.”

(Soda) “Huh? What do you mean? Oh! You mean that guy who LOOKS like Byakuya right? Sorry, but that ain’t him!”

(Shuichi) “H-Huh? What do you mean?”

(Kyoko) “…Humor me mister…?”

(Soda) “Soda. Kazuichi Soda.”

(Kyoko) “Mister Soda, do you have any photos of him, by any chance?”

(Soda) “Huh? Oh yeah, here ya go.”

Soda handed the two a picture of Byakuya, and both of them were shocked seeing the Togami Soda was talking about.

(Kyoko) “…Well this is new.”

(Shuichi) “Well, he uh…certainly looks like Byakuya but…bigger.”

(Soda) “Can you help me find him?! I was going to ask him something, but I’m afraid something’s happened to him!”

(Shuichi) “Well Phelps, what are you thinking?”

(Kyoko) “Hm…I wasn’t aware there was someone else who looked like Byakuya…perhaps, we should confront Byakuya ourselves. Come along.”

Shuichi nodded, and everyone followed Kyoko into the library. 

(Shuichi) “Ah, of course he’s in here.”

(Kyoko) “Bya-”

(Soda) “WHAT THE HELL?! THAT’S NOT BYAKUYA! THAT’S NOT HIM AT ALL!”

(Byakuya) “…Pardon?-”

As soon as he saw Shuichi and Kyoko again, he braced himself. If this was anything like the brownie incident, is that this was going to be very fucking stupid.

(Byakuya) “You two again. 2nd time this week. What crazy mess did I get myself into this time?”

(Kyoko) “No words needed really, just look at this.”

(Shuichi) “Uh Phelps, is that a good ide-”

Byakuya spat out his tea violently, and stood up instantly, gripping the photo hard.

(Byakuya) “What’s the meaning of this?! Why is this…slob looking exactly like me?!”

(Kyoko) “That’s what me and Bekowsky want to get to the bottom of, Togami.”

(Soda) “Who are you really?! Cause you sure aren’t the Togami I know!”

(Shuichi) “I’m…gonna have to ask you to stay quiet Soda. Let the LAPD handle this and uh…You’re causing a scene.”

Soda turned around and saw lots of students look at him with a death glare as they were trying to study.

(Soda) “S-sorry…”

(Byakuya) “Let’s leave. I wish to find this imposter myself..”

(Soda) “B-Before that!”

Soda quickly walked over to the students and handed them the picture of Byakuya.

(Soda) “Have you seen this man?”

(Toko) “Nope. L-Leave me alone.”

(Sayaka) “I haven’t.”

(???) “Isn’t he right behind you?”

(Taka) “No, apologies. Also, please do not yell in the library, it is not welcome in this kind of environment.”

(Soda) “Welp, worth a try.”

(Shuichi) “…Wait, who’s that gi-”

(Kyoko) “Come along Bekowsky, or we’re gonna leave you behind.”

Shuichi shrugged, and followed Kyoko. After walking around the school, they couldn’t find him virtually anywhere. It seemed that all their questioning had come to a major roadblock.

(Byakuya) “This is getting us nowhere. I thought you two were good at your jobs.”

(Shuichi) “Not when there’s this little evidence…”

(Kyoko) “Is there something we’re overlooking?”

(Soda) “Hmm…What if…that one in the photo is an imposter?…Wait, WHAT IF THE ONE IN FRONT OF US IS THE IMPOSTER!”

(Kyoko/Shuichi) “…”

(Byakuya) “What are you talking about?! I AM THE REAL BYAKUYA TOGAMI!”

(Soda) “Oh thats full of shit! You agree with me, right Miss Phelps?!”

MAXIMUM DOUBT TIME

(Kyoko) “That is not the case, mister Soda. In fact, this entire case has been a waste of the LAPD’s time.”

(Soda) “H-Huh?!”

(Shuichi) “Oh god, here we go-”

(Kyoko) “Tell me, Soda. What do you need from this Byakuya?”

(Soda) “W-Well um..that’s very private!”

(Kyoko) “Would this happen to do something with Sonia Nevermind?”

(Soda) “HUH?!”

(Shuichi) “Me and my partner know about your thirst for the Ultimate Princess. Heck, even the whole school knows! Tell them, Togami.”

(Byakuya) “Don’t tell me tha-…”ahem”Yes, even I know that you have a thing for her. But unfortunately for you, she doesn’t have her sights on you, does she?”

(Soda) “E-EGH!”

(Kyoko) “She’s very fond of the Ultimate Breeder, Gundham Tanaka, and you were about to ask a classmate for something to impress her, weren’t you!”

(Soda) “O-Of course not! What does this have to do with Miss Sonia?!”

(Byakuya) “Everything actually, seeing how you kept messing up the LAPD’s and my questioning, you’re just after his…No, MY money, weren’t you?”

(Soda) “GAH!”

(Shuichi) “With that, I don’t think we need much more evidence, now do we? Phelps?”

(Kyoko) “Cuff him, Bekowsky.”

(Soda) “WHAT?!-”

(Kyoko) “The Bureau is gonna LOVE you, Soda. Let’s see what they think about wasting police time and resources on a wild goose chase like this!”

Shuichi handcuffed Soda, and shoved him towards Byakuya.

(Kyoko) “Alright, we’ll let you take it from here, Togami.”

(Byakuya) “Heh, with pleasure.”

(Soda) “NO, PLEASE! THIS ISN’T CONSTITUTIONAL! MISS SONIAAAA! HELP MEEEE!!!-”

As Byakuya dragged Soda away, Kyoko and Shuichi took a deep breath.

(Kyoko) “So, what do you think?”

Kyoko and Shuichi turned to the door behind them, and a voice that sounded exactly like Byakuya’s came out of it.

(Twogami’s Voice) “Not bad, not bad at all…It was nice to have a day off from being Togami for once. Looks like I made the right choice contacting the LAPD.”

(Kyoko) “Of course, Soda most likely would have recognized you, correct?”

(Twogami) “Yes…Thank you, Phelps and Bekowsky from saving me from that idiot…Speaking of, when will he realize that you two were off duty?”

(Shuichi) “Eh, most likely when the boys in blue we ordered to come here start cracking up.”

(Kyoko) “Well, we shall see you later.”

(Twogami) “You know, Phelps. It seems your sense of humor has picked up today for some reason…Not that I’m complaining, no one likes a stick in the mud detective…By the way, I’ve been meaning to ask, we’re in Japan so…Why are you called the LAPD? It stands for the Los Angeles Police Department.”

(Shuichi/Kyoko) “…”

They both looked at each other, then quickly walking away, and dodging the issue.

(Twogami) “…Guys?…Hello?…T-The door is still locked!”

Post-Case Report:

Byakuya Togami was then called out by most of the school the next day, for being so incredibly fat, and somehow losing it all in one day, and at the same time getting a wardrobe change. When he called Kyoko Phelps and Shuichi Bekowsky into question, both of them responded as if they had never done the case yesterday, making him deal with people’s bullshit for the next week and a half. At the same time, it was noted an alarmingly high amount of people were concerned about Kyoko Phelps messing with people had increased tenfold during this week alone. 

- Report given by Traffic Detective Shuichi Bekowsky

CASE CLOSED

[punchlinesf]

Catching Up with Dan Cummins

Dan Cummins has a one hour Comedy Central special along with many other television appearances such as Conan, The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, Last Comic Standing and more. Those are hefty credits that yield some serious street cred. Credits that the majority of working stand up comics will never see in their lifetime. However, in the grand scheme of things, how much do these ultimately matter in the pursuit of your dreams? I got to chat with the hilarious and hardworking Dan Cummins about his lengthy career in comedy and his upcoming shows at Punch Line San Francisco. Ronn Vigh: We initially met in 2003 when we both competed in the San Francisco International Comedy Competition. That competition is considered a big milestone for up and coming comics. Do you remember anything significant about that week or period of time in your career? Dan Cummins: I remember the first night that the competition was in San Francisco pretty well. I’d never been in SF before but I knew about its comedic history. I felt so out of place and that I had so much to prove. I didn’t want to be seen as some hacky tavern comic from Spokane, Washington. I remember coming into the competition with a HUGE chip on my shoulder. RV: Wow. Well, I was a really green comic myself at the time but for what it’s worth, I remember you being really nice to me. So, how has your point of view or style of comedy evolved since then? DC: Life has changed so much for me since then. I was still a long ways from making a living as a comic back then. It was all still just a big, beautiful, chaotic experiment. Such a big gamble. Every show felt so important. Like my (hopefully future) career depended on it. Now, after having literally thousands of shows under my belt and after making a living in comedy for over 15 years, I’m a lot more at peace with it. I feel like I have less to prove and I think I’m funnier on stage because of that. Back then, I was a joke guy because I was too afraid to commit to a longer form story. I was too worried about bombing. Now, if I feel like it’s entertaining, I’ll tell a ten minute story. I also feel like I have a lot more to say now. I’ve lived a lot more life. I feel more confident in my opinions and perspective than I did in 2003 and confidence in what you’re saying is so important to good storytelling. I’d like to think I’ve come a long way since then and hopefully, I’ve also retained a decent amount of the childlike wonder for the world I had back when I was 26 years old.   RV: I've known many comics who set a list of goals to accomplish by a certain time in their careers. Were you one of those guys? DC: I did make a lot of specific goals. Most of them early on. “Get on this late show, get this type of comedy special, sell this kind of [TV] show!” I’ve been lucky -- I’ve hit most of them (never could sell a show though). The last five to ten years my goals have gotten more artistic. I just want to get more skilled at doing whatever you would call my style of comedy, and reach more and more people who enjoy it, and have those people come out to shows so I can keep doing what I’ve devoted my life too. That’s really my only stand-up goal at this point. RV: I was a flight attendant and in that field they always say being a flight attendant is a lifestyle, not a career. I feel even more that way about stand up, especially for those who do the road so often like yourself. Did you ever have a "Why am I doing this? I should just quit now” moment? DC: I totally get that. Yes -- this life is a long ways from your average nine-to-five job. You’re living in hotels and working clubs and bars all over the world. I’ve thought about quitting many times. I thought about quitting after tough road gigs early on where I had driven eight plus hours to perform for less than 20 people who all seemed to hate me, and I didn’t make enough money to even pay for the gas it took to the make it to the gig. I thought about quitting when my Comedy Central hour special came out in 2010 and no one in America seemed to give a fuck about it enough to buy tickets. I was performing in Grand Rapids, Michigan a week after it aired in front of 30 people who’d never heard of me. I thought about quitting back in 2016 when my album was number one on the iTunes Comedy chart for several weeks in a row, I’d just killed it on The Tonight Show, and I was performing, again, in front of 30 or so people who had never heard of me (this time in Kansas City). I thought, “This is the BEST I can do and it still doesn’t matter!” I’d put out five albums of my best stuff at that point and it just didn’t seem to be getting me anywhere.  

RV: The last time I saw you was a few years ago and you were thrilled about returning with your family to your home state of Idaho. Has this helped, hindered, or presented any unexpected challenges for you as a working comic? DC: Idaho has been really good to me. It’s a little harder to get places because of where I’m living but I’ no longer distracted by all the entertainment possibilities of Los Angeles. I’ve gone back to focusing more on stand-up than I was for a while. Also, a lot of exposure has come via Pandora and my podcast Timesuck. I’m actually selling the most tickets to shows of my career by far. I’m working the best clubs in the country and many of the shows are sold out. I never thought that would happen after moving back to Idaho. It’s been incredible! RV: Tell me more about your podcast. DC: Timesuck has been a wild ride! It’s a deep dive on one subject a week and episodes come out Monday at Noon, PST. Episodes can be about anything interesting: criminals, historical figures, cults, current events, social issues, conspiracies, cryptozoology, the paranormal, etc. You learn a lot about one subject a week (me and the team I now have research the hell out of this stuff) and you get to laugh while you learn. I work hard to add a lot of humor to the narratives. We also have an online community that has become pretty interesting as well. It’s grown out of people who are intensely curious about he world around them and willing to question their beliefs wanting to meet other people who feel the same way. Our private Facebook group has close to 10,000 members and many have become friends with one another. Romantic relationships have formed out of the group. There have been some engagements! RV: In early 2017, you were nice enough to give me a guest spot on your show in Arizona. In the green room you spoke passionately about Timesuck as it just started a few months prior. In what ways has the podcast evolved and exceeded your expectations? DC: The podcast has exceeded my expectations in every way. It has evolved into this interesting humanitarian group. Listeners send care packages to and raise money for other listeners in need. They send in emails saying listening to the show has strengthened relationships with their spouses, siblings, parents and more -- giving them inside jokes to share and subjects to talk about. This past week we had an email from someone who found the courage to leave an actual cult they’d been in for years after listening to various episodes about cults I’ve done (Jonestown, Heaven’s Gate, Scientology, Order of the Solar Temple, The Branch Davidians, etc) We’ve had listeners write and say that Timesuck literally saved their life -- that they were suicidal but then became hopeful towards humanity again listening to the podcast. I never expected any of that. Not in a million years. I’m so excited to see where it goes from here! And you can always have a guest spot. You’re a funny guy! RV: Thanks. That’s all I needed to hear. Interview is over. So, does anything you uncover in the podcast wind up working it's way into your stand up?

DC: That’s just started to happen! I told a random story about having a sexual experience with a banana in high school. Yup, a banana. Fans went nuts laughing about it and teasing me. So I decided to tell the whole story on stage (after fans brought bananas to some shows and people started showing up wearing banana shirts) and now it’s one of my favorite new standup pieces. It is RIDICULOUS! RV: Can you give us a sneak peek of what topic you will be covering when you do the podcast live from the Punch Line? DC: Yes! I’ll be telling the tale of the Ant Hill Kids. A French Canadian cult mainly based in Quebec between 1977 and 1989, led by a psychopath named Roch Theriault. He was BRUTAL. It’s amazing what cult members endured at his hands and still chose to follow him. It’s a fascinating study in manipulation and I tell some of the darkest jokes I’ve ever written during this tale. It’s not for the squeamish! RV: What is your most favorite and least favorite thing about San Francisco? DC: My favorite thing about San Francisco is how smart the crowds are. They want good, intelligent comedy. They don’t need to be spoon fed. My least favorite is that San Francisco crowds can be REALLY sensitive. Too sensitive. They can take the social justice warrior ethos -- which is great -- and become a little too serious for their own good. It’s a comedy show, not a protest. Lighten the fuck up and laugh. Life’s too short to be pissed all the time...and this is coming from a pretty angry comic! RV: Well said! It’s always great to see you back at the Punch Line!

DC: I’m looking forward to some Punch Line shows! I truly do love coming to San Francisco. I have so many great memories of shows there over the years. It’s a home away from home and I look forward to it every year. Dan Cummins: The Happy Murder Tour at Punch Line San Francisco, May 1 - 4. Prices and show times vary. TimeSuck Live Podcast w/ Dan Cummins, May 4, 4PM. Tickets are $20 in advance. Tickets can be purchased at punchlinecomedyclub.com

[uomo-accattivante]

Interesting old Oscar Isaac AUDIO PODCAST interview from when he was promoting “PU – 239” back in 2007.

Transcription below:

*****

Oscar Isaac, my guest today, co-stars with Paddy Considine in a riveting new HBO film, Pu-239.

Based upon a short story by Ken Kalfus, PU-239 tells the story of a devoted father and husband — Paddy Considine — in post-Soviet Russia who labors in a deteriorating nuclear plant. After being exposed to a deadly dose of radiation while trying to avert a plant disaster, he is made a scapegoat and suspended without pay.

With just days to live and desperate to provide for his wife and young son, he impulsively steals a small amount of Pu-239 — weapons grade plutonium — and heads to Moscow to attempt a quick sale.

In Moscow, Considine’s character gets caught up with an inept, wannabe gangster — played by Isaac — to help him sell the dangerous goods on the black market.

BOB ANDELMAN/Mr. MEDIA: I appreciate your time. I gave kind of a brief synopsis of the film, but the name of the film won’t mean a lot to the average person any more than it did for your character, actually. What would you like people to know about this movie?

OSCAR ISAAC: I think there are so many elements that make it such a unique film. I think it’s very unlike any film I’ve really seen in some while. The closest I can think of it is films from the 1970s that weren’t afraid to kind of experiment with tone and genre and all that, so it is a very sad, tragic film about this man that’s trying to help his family, but then at the same time, there’s this very humorous side to it when he meets this criminal and this unlikely bond, kind of buddy thing, happens with the two of them. I think it’s very exciting. It’s kind of Jacovian in that way, a lot of humor and, at the same time, the tragedy is involved just in the same intensity.

ANDELMAN:You mentioned 1970s movies, and I hadn’t thought about it until you just said that, but, of course, The China Syndrome, there’s a little bit of that here with the…

ISAAC: Right, right, exactly.

ANDELMAN: What drew you to this movie? Was it the drama? Was it the politics, the buddy….

ISAAC: Honestly, it was the script, the way it was written, and the character. It’s just fantastic. I mean, I think it’s just really full of life and humor. Both the director, Scott Burns, and myself, one of our favorite movies, at least for me, my favorite movie of all time was Dog Day Afternoon. It reminded me of it in that kind of way, where you have this guy who’s way in over his head, but he’s just trying to make it work, and you end up feeling sympathy for him even though he’s kind of a screw-up. I like that a lot about him.

ANDELMAN: There are actually two guys in this movie that are way in over their heads.

ISAAC: Exactly. And you know, that’s also a great point that these two different characters really are mirrors of each other in different extremes. Paddy Considine’s character is way in over his head by deciding to go into the black market. He’s a scientist and suddenly he’s forced to do this wheel and deal, something he just doesn’t know how to do, but he’s trying to save his family. And on the other side of it, you’ve got my character, who is also trying to save his family — whatever his definition of family is, his girlfriend that’s a prostitute and his son that he’s not sure if it’s his — but even that, he’s trying, he’s working in this new, crazy, anything goes Wild West of capitalism in the Soviet Union, the former Soviet Union, and now he’s just trying to do what he can, and I think that’s ultimately what’s really great is that these two guys are trying to fight for their families.

ANDELMAN: I think when I was done watching it, the thing that struck me was — and I’d like to go read the short story, frankly — it’s so well-conceived, and the comparison and the contrast between the two characters, you’ve got the two men, family as each of them defines it. Paddy’s got the wife and son. We don’t know them until the incident occurs at the nuclear plant, but they seem to be happy and in love and all that kind of thing. And then Shiv, your character, defines family a whole different way.

ISAAC: That’s exactly right.

ANDELMAN: When the two of you come together, it’s kind of like oil and water, but somehow, as it does in buddy movies, it does sort of work.

ISAAC: I think again, it’s this need. You don’t really hear it from Shiv until the very end where he doesn’t know how else to keep Timofey, which is Paddy’s character, in the car, and he says, “Look, I’m doing this for my child, too. This whole time you’ve been talking about your child and your family and what you need, but I’m not doing this for fun or to be cool, I’m doing this because I have a family, as well.” That’s a very strong motivator.

ANDELMAN: It’s very interesting. I’m listening to your voice, and truly, and people will get this when they see the movie, there is some strong acting going on in that film, because you don’t sound anything right now, anything like the character of Shiv.

ISAAC: No, right. Yeah. I gave a little higher register voice, and he, of course, we did it all with accents It was a tough decision: how you are going to give it an authentic feel. Either everybody does British accents, or … It was an international cast, as well. There were British people, there were French, people from all sorts of different places.

ANDELMAN: Your character has some interesting thoughts on the British and the Americans, of course.

ISAAC: Yes, he does. Very specific feelings as they concern his girlfriend. He gives her rules of who she can sleep with based on his own sociopolitical ideas of people.

ANDELMAN: Some of the best moments in the movie are the small ones. Again, it’s about you with the boy who you think is your son or you and Paddy in the car kind of connecting again through children, but you each kind of know that your life is in dire jeopardy. As an actor, that’s good stuff, isn’t it?

ISAAC: For me, that is one of my favorite moments, wow, that one moment when they’re both in the car and he just asks if you have any pictures of your son. My son, he loves to go to all the new McDonalds and try the Big Macs and see if they all taste the same. And there’s just a little moment where nothing seems to be happening, but kind of everything is there, everything is revealed about these guys with just a little bit. I think that’s really a testament to the writing. Scott Burns just has a way of creating an intense amount of empathy with humor and with putting humor and tragic elements together in one sentence even, and it ends up being something very human and specific, and I think that was really one of the great things about the film.

ANDELMAN: You have some moments in the film that are fairly brutal, mostly with you on the receiving end. Are those difficult to play?

ISAAC: It can be, because pain, usually as an actor you’re looking for the action of, what are you doing, what are you trying to do, what are you trying to change, and it’s hard to act a state of being, like cold or hurt, and so that can be challenging in its own way. But again, those are also fun, because they are very physical, and you get to put the makeup and the blood on. Those are fun. The harder ones seem to be the more emotional scenes.

ANDELMAN: What was your relationship with Paddy like during this? There’s a point where you have to threaten him rather physically. How did you two deal with that, set that up?

ISAAC: It’s funny, because I remember the first day, I think he was very surprised at my take on the character. I think a lot of people were, because the script itself, like I said, it’s fantastic, but a lot of times an actor will kind of imagine some things. Talking with Scott, we made them very specific and funny, and I think he wasn’t expecting that, so suddenly, I think he was kind of quiet a lot and a little bit dark and unsure in that place, and then with all that humor, he kind of really lightened up. After a while, we were just cracking each other up. I remember once in particular we just couldn’t get through it, and there wasn’t even anything that funny. We just couldn’t get through it. He would always laugh, and that would start to make me laugh, or I would start to laugh, and you can’t help it. It’s actually a horrible feeling, and the producers had to come over and were like, “Guys, you really need to pull it together.” I’m like, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, but it’s just so funny.” It was great. He’s a wacky man. He’s an amazing actor, and it was great to hear his stories and to feed off of him. He’s a wonderful actor, and for me, it was my first film, and to be able to spar with him on screen was amazing.

ANDELMAN: You mention that, this movie looks like it could be a significant launching pad for you. Sometimes you’re sympathetic, the reluctant gangster, sometimes violent. Are you excited to get this out in front of people?

ISAAC: Yeah. It’s been almost two years since we shot it, and I am very anxious to get it out there. Then again, it’s done, and there’s not much I can do. I have no control over it or how people are going to take it. I really do hope that they enjoy the film, because I do think the movie is really good, and like I said, it’s unlike a lot of films nowadays. I’m actually curious to see how people take this kind of mixture of tones. A lot of times, films can be very straight forward: “This is a sad movie.” “This is a funny movie.” Scott really tries to make a full picture of life.

ANDELMAN: Do you have any concerns in taking a role like this? The Russians are not exactly portrayed in the best light here. When you take a role like this, is it a job, or do you think about, “Oh, you know what, someone may not be too happy with the way I’m portraying this guy, or the way the movie is portraying this guy?”

ISAAC: I think that would maybe come into my mind if I felt that that was happening in some little way. But I think that it’s less about the Russians and more about, if anything, capitalism. I think it does in a way make the argument that plutonium in the wrong hands is just as deadly as capitalism in the wrong hands, and not to say that the Russians are the wrong hands but this idea that if unchecked, it’s kind of an anything goes mentality. And I think that, for me, the political aspects of it were, that was the strongest as opposed to Russians or crazy gangsters or even the good ones are going to sell plutonium.

ANDELMAN: That’s kind of a scary notion.

ISAAC: Again, the main sympathetic man that you feel so much empathy for is actually doing a very vile, horrible thing, which is selling plutonium on the black market to who knows, for what reason.

ANDELMAN: He knows he’s going to be dead, and he doesn’t seem to be thinking five steps, even two steps ahead of, “Well, if I’m dead and I sell this, I get the money for my family, but gee…”

ISAAC: “What about everybody else?”

ANDELMAN: Yeah.

ISAAC: Yeah, my family can fly to Costa Rica, but…. I think that’s a very real thing. I think when you’re in survival mode, I mean, look at what happened… I was just watching television, and you can see the ivory trade and they kill these elephants and all sorts of different horrible things that happen, and I think it’s just because it’s the mentality of survival.

ANDELMAN: Is this the first time you’ve had a role where you’ve had to answer questions that were political?

ISAAC: No. Nowadays, everything has a little bit of a political undertone, but no, I did a play where I played Lorka, and he obviously is considered quite a political figure, being killed by the Franco regime, and so there were those aspects in there. Yeah, I’ve done some of that already.

ANDELMAN: And then you mentioned the producers. Three of the executive producers, George Clooney, Steven Soderbergh, and Peter Berg — pretty big names. Clooney known for political stands. Did these guys, are they just names on the film, or was there any hands-on with these guys in your part of the film?

ISAAC: In my part, no, not the actual filming of it. I know that Steven Soderbergh — I could end up working with him as well on a film, and we talked a lot about it, and I know that he was integral in the editing process. I don’t know exactly what George Clooney and Peter Berg, exactly what their roles were.

ANDELMAN: It’s interesting. I could see, thinking back on it, I could see Clooney actually in Paddy Considine’s role.

ISAAC: Oh yeah? Yeah? Definitely. I could see that.

ANDELMAN: You could have been doing a buddy film with George Clooney.

ISAAC: That’s right.

ANDELMAN: Oscar, you were born in Guatemala?

ISAAC: Yeah.

ANDELMAN: Were you surprised to be offered a role as a Russian?

ISAAC: No, not really. I was born in Guatemala. I did grow up in the States. I’ve been here all my life. I’m pretty, I guess some would say, ethnically ambiguous, so no, I actually wasn’t. My father is Cuban, and actually my grandfather worked for the government, the revolution, and he actually had quite an obsession with all things Russian, all things Soviet, I should say. I don’t know if that kind of translated into my blood somehow, but I feel somewhat similar. I love, my favorite playwright is Chekhov, I read it all the time. I just read Crime and Punishment again, and there’s something about that soul and that voice, I don’t know, I really relate to. So actually, I kind of felt quite at home.

ANDELMAN: It wouldn’t be hard to see you go in either the direction of playing like another gangster, maybe even a more serious gangster, or going and playing more in a comedy kind of thing. What would be more comfortable for you?

ISAAC: When I read something, I look for the humor in it, but that doesn’t necessarily mean I want to do some sort of broad comedy. I’m really interested in being, I don’t if this will sound somewhat pretentious, but truthful but something that really has some sort of… Mike Nichols said that, “A laugh is just a really loud yes.” I think that’s great. I want to do films and plays that give the audience that feeling of saying, “Yes, yes, that’s true, that is the truth! I recognize that,” and whether that’s as a gangster or as a very comic role, that’s okay with me.

ANDELMAN: Where did you train? Where did you learn your trade?

ISAAC: I went to Julliard.

ANDELMAN: Wow.

ISAAC: I went up here in New York for four years.

ANDELMAN: That tends to open a lot of doors for people.

ISAAC: It can, it can. It’s a great school. I really learned so much. It gave me a huge love and understanding of Shakespeare. I had a great time. I really grew a lot. It’s also very difficult. It’s kind of drama boot camp. We called it “The Yard.”

ANDELMAN: Any particular uncomfortable experiences from that?

ISAAC: There were so many. I did remember finally breaking down and crying. It’s tough, because a lot of times they’ll kind of get into, “You made that choice because you are the kind of person.” It’s kind of a mind to mind game there, but it’s all in the goal of becoming a better artist, and so I forgive it all, but yeah, it’s just the name of the game. It’s very hard training.

ANDELMAN: What would a hazing at Julliard be? Would they make you re-enact Pauly Shore roles? How would that work?

ISAAC: They had all their own little weird games they do with masks and Dionysus and Greek gods and all sorts of silly things.

ANDELMAN: So you’re saying it’s like a Stanley Kubrick movie?

ISAAC: Yeah, exactly, exactly. More like that than Pauly Shore.

ANDELMAN: I suspect a lot of people will be introduced to you for the first time through this movie, and they are probably going to wonder a little bit more about your background. You talked about having kind of an ambiguous ethnic background. How old are you?

ISAAC: I’m 27.

ANDELMAN: A young guy. Are you married?

ISAAC: No.

ANDELMAN: Why acting? Why not anything else?

ISAAC: That’s funny. I was trying to think about that. A lot of people will say, “Oh, it’s something I’ve always wanted to do,” and in some ways, that’s true, but I was thinking back to what, something that Dostoevsky says, and actually Tolstoy says about the main character in Crime and Punishment, he says, “The mechanism of life happens in the barely imperceptible things.” It’s the tiny little shifts of consciousness, so when this main character in Crime and Punishment murders these women, that’s not real life. He’s just acting out. He’s just being a machine. The real shift happened when he was thinking about something completely other that made him become this person. So I was trying to think about that in my own regard as far as acting is concerned.

I’m doing this Ridley Scott film right now, and I actually realized that the first time that I really started to shift my mind into this world of movies and acting was I think with the film Legend. I think that’s the first time that I consciously remember thinking, “Wow, people made this. There are guys that said, ‘I want lights here. I want you to do this, there are cameras, and there’s maybe one guy that this was his vision, and I think from that point on, I started seeing movies differently and grabbing video cameras and trying to emulate that and performing in…. I think there was definitely a small shift that happened.

ANDELMAN: What it is you are working on now? You made reference.

ISAAC: It’s a film called Body of Lies. It’s Ridley Scott’s next film. It’s with Leo DiCaprio and Russell Crowe.

ANDELMAN: Wow.

ISAAC: Yeah. Great film.

ANDELMAN: That’s definitely big-time stuff.

ISAAC: It’s good. It’s very exciting. We’re shooting in Morocco.

ANDELMAN: What is your role in that?

ISAAC: I play the partner to Leo’s character. We start off the movie together. I get to do some car chases, and it’s a very explosive character.

ANDELMAN: I have to ask, I didn’t know you were doing this, what’s it like working with Leonardo DiCaprio?

ISAAC:It’s great. You know, you never know when you are going into one of these situations. You are like, “I hope they’re not jerks,” or whatever, but he’s a really nice, really funny guy. We were joking around right off the bat and already starting to improvise and doing different things, and he’s a really good, solid actor. He’s a great actor and seems like a really great guy.

ANDELMAN: A guy like that’s been around a while now. Is he a little, at first when you come on the set with someone like that, he doesn’t know you, you don’t know him I’m assuming until you meet on the set. Is he a little standoffish at first?

ISAAC:You know what? No. I think that’s what was the most shocking. That’s what I would assume, but no, he was actually incredibly humble, he was really warm, seemingly excited to meet me. I was honestly taken aback with the whole thing. I kind of felt bad for even expecting otherwise. He’s a really good guy.

ANDELMAN: And what about Ridley Scott? How is he to work with?

ISAAC: To see an auteur at the top of his game and still completely passionate about it, excited about it, and also, he’s very much about the best idea wins, so strangely, again, there’s this seeming lack of ego. He’s sure, he knows what he wants. It’s a well-oiled machine. At one point, the sun was going down and people are running around with their heads cut off. There was like a whole group of hundreds of people at barricades trying to catch a glimpse of Leo, and Leo is frustrated about one thing or something else, and I mean, things are kind of going crazy. The light’s going, and I see Ridley standing in the middle of it all, looking at it, and he looks over at me, and I wink at him, and he walks over, and he’s like, “This is where I shot Black Hawk Down. Oh man, it was awesome!” I was like, “So you like this, eh? It’s like anarchy.” He’s like, “Oh yeah, I love it.”

ANDELMAN: You’ve completed another film, Guerrilla.

ISAAC: Yeah. That’s the Soderburgh film that I shot about Che Guevara, with Benicio del Toro.

ANDELMAN: What is your role in that?

ISAAC: It’s two films, and I’m in the second film. I play Che Guevara’s translator when he comes to the United Nations. The film is in Spanish, except that this section is in English where I translate all the things he says and when he goes on “Meet the Press.” He had this actually son of a diplomat who wasn’t a professional translator translating for him. It’s kind of funny, because he listened to the tape, he watched the tape, and you can tell he got a little bit lost, which is good, because I was a little bit lost myself.

ANDELMAN: What would you like to do in the future? It wouldn’t be hard to see you jumping into a buddy caper, like a Rush Hour, but you seem to be heading into kind of more serious, from what we were just talking about, more serious roles.

ISAAC: I like the idea of doing “serious roles” but finding the humor and the humanity and the every man in that. I don’t necessarily see myself doing a broad comedy or action films necessarily. I want to do things that have something to say, whether it be political or whether it be about the human condition, but something that has something to say, like those films from the 1970s. You felt that they were made for a reason, not just to satisfy some sort of budgetary need or something.