#I had a bunch of people in my fellowship group go

[gemstarstarlight]

So, after doing a tag that literally had my real name involved and seeing how feminine the results were, I actually started thinking about this question.

And I actually struggle with how to relate with my gender.

Not in the sense of, "I don't know what my gender is," but in, "I know what my gender is, and that is weakness, and I don't like it."

I think I used to love feminine things as a child. Dolls, dresses, long hair, all the things. I really enjoyed being a girl and living that way. I even wanted to be a mom someday. It wasn't just a dream given to me by my parents. I grew up with my mom having babies; I loved babies. I still do. I was looking forward to the day I could have kids of my own. A lot of the women I knew were singers, and I dreamed of being a singer myself, to be like them.

And then...things changed. The meaning of what it meant to be a girl changed.

Girls started to have crushes on boys. I watched them giggle about it and moan about crushes on boys who were, objectively, stupid. They knew it, too. But they couldn't help simping for these idiot no good boys. As someone who was romantically paired up with a friend, without my consent or requited feelings, and then relentlessly gossiped about for years in elementary school, this was baffling behavior to me. I also saw girls who wouldn't walk out of the house without makeup because then they would be ugly. I saw most of the girls I knew as deeply insecure and afraid of everyone and how they were perceived, and who centered their worth around being acceptable and presentable to everyone around them. I also saw girls who romanticized romance, swooned about their wedding day and already had Pinterest boards picked out for what everything would look like, getting excited for the day they would meet their special person.

And I couldn't understand that.

I knew that romance and love didn't always work out because my dad worked with couples and I heard the stories of fights, misunderstandings, conflicts, even the little irritations that made me wonder, "If you don't like them, why would you want to live with them?" I'd been to my fair share of embarrassing weddings. I knew my mom didn't get to have her dream wedding because my dad was the resident "it guy" at a very large church and having a small wedding was simply out of the question. I knew most high school relationships didn't work out and was flummoxed why people would get into them. And I learned to sit in my "ugliness", to ignore my pimples and my nose and my too-strong jaw and whatever else people said I could and couldn't do because it's my face, goddammit, the one God made for me, and I would not use makeup to make it look like someone else. Even if that someone else is prettier. I didn't care. I had already started having conflicts with my parents by the time I was 13. I didn't want to look pretty, I wanted to be enough as I was, for once in my life.

I'm not sure where my thinking shifted entirely, but by the time I was 16-17, feminine was associated with giggly girls who couldn't stand up for themselves and what they wanted. They weren't driven, they didn't have dreams. They just cared about boys and friends and how everyone thought of them--except how they thought of themselves.

Now, I realize now that this is normal teenage behavior, and that most people are deeply insecure about themselves. Many of those girls grew up into women that are very different now from how they were as teens.

But I couldn't watch every girl I knew, every girl on TV, become weak.

Pretty girls wait for a savior. Pretty girls wait for people to accept them. By the time I was 18, I had cut out, emotionally, every person who told me they cared about me because it would hurt more to try to emotionally depend on them. I had mentally prepared myself to leave for college and simply never come back.

I'm leaving out parts of this story, and I have already mentioned on this blog how being aroace alienates me from my culture because it is so romance/marriage oriented, but I want to fast-forward to the result of all this.

I have no problem being a girl. The problem is I had to become emotionally independent when I was 16, and nobody I knew was doing that. I found myself constantly and consistently othered among my own gender since I was very young, and often while I know what I am, I often have to think without consideration of my gender or without awareness of it, because no one I know would do the things I want to do.

The problem isn't that I am a girl. The problem is that I don't want to get married, I am an obsessive dreamer, and I put that in front of everything. The problem is until I was 19 I walled myself off from close friendships or from depending on people because they would inevitably hurt me, for reasons I could never begin to understand. The problem is that I used to wear big T-shirts and sweaters because they were cute but after being in a relationship I wear them because I no longer want to be perceived as desirable by men.

And no woman I know is doing that outside of fiction, and they are often demonized for it.

Hey cis people of tumblr, can you describe your experience with your gender? I'm madly curious

[checkoutmybookshelf]

Rereading The Fellowship of the Ring for the First Time in Fifteen Years

*Has an aggressive flashback to studying Romeo and Juliet as an undergraduate student and fiercely debating whether Friar Laurence's inability to send a goddamn letter made him culpable in the events subsequent to his promise to deliver a letter*

*Takes a deep breath*

*Counts to ten*

*SHAKES BUTTERBUR TO WITHIN AN INCH OF HIS GODDAMN LIFE BECAUSE WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN IT'S BEEN THREE MONTHS AND YOU DIDN'T GET THE DAMN LETTER DELIVERED????*

So...yeah. Let's just cut to the chase and talk chapter 10, "Strider."

Ok, so after Frodo's disastrous table dance in the last chapter, it's fully time for Strider to explain himself, so everyone heads back to the Hobbits' room. Merry is nowhere to be found, and everyone is INSUFFICIENTLY CONCERNED about this, especially given that they've had Black Riders on their tails since before they left the Shire. But I guess before we worry about the single most competent hobbit in the bunch and Frodo's COUSIN, we have to let Strider speak his piece.

Now, at this point, nobody has heard from Gandalf in months. Nobody has talked to each other. The hobbits know next to freaking nothing because FRICKIN' GILDOR didn't tell them jack, and Tom Bombadil focused on tips for staying alive in the Barrow-Downs. Strider kinda knows the general shape of things but doesn't know our hobbity bois from a short, beardless dwarf. And our hobbity bois are, understandably, feeling kinda suspicious of EVERYONE at this point, as illustrated by this little exchange:

"Maybe Mr. Baggins has an honest reason for leaving his name behind; but if so, I should advise him and his friends to be more careful." "I don't see what interest my name has for anyone in Bree," said Frodo, angrily, "and I have still to learn why it interests you. Mr. Strider may have an honest reason for spying and eavesdropping; but if so, I should advise him to explain it."

and this little declaration from Sam, the only hobbit in the group with an adequate suspicion of people:

"With your leave, Mr. Frodo, I'd say no! This Strider here, he warns and he says take care; and I say yes to that, and let's begin with him. He comes out of the Wild, and I never heard no good of such folk. He knows something, that's plain, and more than I like; but it's no reason why we should let him go leading us out into some dark place far from help, as he puts it."

Literally, Sam was listening and he has come to a deeply reasonable conclusion, especially since protecting Frodo is his entire motivation. I wouldn't be super excited to follow a strange man into the wild either. And I gotta give Sam credit for a healthy level of critical suspicion too, because even after we get Gandalf's letter, he is still asking questions:

...Sam was not daunted, and he still eyed Strider dubiously. "How do we know you are the Strider that Gandalf speaks about?" he demanded. "You never mentioned Gandalf, till this letter came out. You might be a play-acting spy, for all I can see, trying to get us to go with you. You might have done in the real Strider and took his clothes. What have you to say to that?"

Sam, my dearest, darlingest hobbit, I respect your suspicious mind, but I have to ask you this question: What on Eru Iluvatar's little green Middle Earth would you have done if you'd been RIGHT? Sweetie, you are three feet tall and don't know how to use a sword. What was the plan if he looked directly into camera and said, "And I'd have got away with it too, it it weren't for you meddling hobbits"? If the man calling himself Strider wasn't actually Strider, you'd all have been dead like fifteen minutes ago.

And yes, Strider calls this out, but like...what IS it with big folks and getting briefly intimidating and exploding their presence to prove that they're NOT dangerous? Because Gandalf doing it to Bilbo after the party and Strider doing it now would not make me feel better about being a hobbit in a vulnerable moment. But I'm just a girl, what do I know?

At any rate, apparently between Frodo's instincts, Strider's wizard power moment, and Gandalf's letter, Strider passes muster with the hobbits. So the next thing to do is to get everyone on the same page, with everyone going, "So uhh...Gandalf, huh?" and then planning to set out for Weathertop in the morning. All pretty standard stuff for a session zero with a new party member.

At which point Merry windmill slams into the room screeching about seeing the Black Riders in Bree.

Seriously, y'all neglected Merry and honestly I wouldn't blame him for not telling any of you about the Black Riders because seriously, he has been gone for literal hours, missed the whole Strider reveal, and NOBODY WAS WORRIED??? Such disrespect for the hobbit who got your asses clear of the Shire, honestly. And now he's *recovering from the Black Breath* and nobody checks in on how he is. Nob literally found him unconscious on the side of the road and Merry explicitly says he had "an ugly dream" that I am frankly entirely willing to chalk up to minor mental trauma. He's even beating himself up for going to pieces, which is just ridiculous because THE BLACK BREATH. But does anyone ask, "Are you ok, Merry? Can we get you anything, Merry?" NO!!! I get that Sam and Frodo are the A-plot hobbits, but SOMEONE CHECK ON MERRY, FFS.

Especially since he has just brought KEY INTEL that is going to keep everyone alive overnight and allow them to get out of Bree tomorrow without getting absolutely Black Rider-ed. Thanks to Merry, Strider keeps the hobbits out of their room, and Nob (shoutout to Nob, he's been awesome and should get Employee of the Month) sets up fake hobbits in their beds just in case. Once again, Merry has taken action to save all their asses and he is GROSSLY underappreciated.

Which, frankly, is a stark contrast to FREAKING BARLIMAN BUTTERBUR. This man, who Strider explicitly says would *forget his own name if people didn't yell it at him all day every day* gets forgiven with basically no consequences for not passing on a crucial piece of mail that would have saved Frodo and co. significant grief on their trip out of the Shire and would have made coming to Bree significantly less dramatic and noticeable. Gandalf threatened to roast the man and both Frodo and Strider agree that he deserved to be roasted, but DOES ANYONE DO THE ACTUAL ROASTING? NO THEY DO NOT!!! This is unacceptable, and someone needs to address this. Usually I want to be sucked into a book to live in the world and go on adventures or go on a date with a book boyfriend, but if I were to be sucked into Fellowship, my #1 task on my to-do list would be to give some goddamn comeuppance to Barliman Butterbur.

Ok, I'm going to leave it there for now, and we'll check back in next time to see if everyone survives the night with a bunch of Black Riders running wild in Bree.

[a-s-levynn]

honestly, from the heart, thank you so much for the compliments and reblogs. It makes me so happy to see a bunch of notifs from you and you’re epic gang liking and stuff!! You’re so cool and awesome as well as your art. I love the way you draw vessel sm and the fact that you draw so teeny tiny is very impressive!!! I’m happy for you if you got tickets to any future rituals (saw you talking abt it and respectfully don’t want to stalk your blog for confirmation [yup, I’m still waiting for California dates]). I’ll stop rambling and say I genuinely appreciate your everything you do 💖💕

(i present photo of vessel rapidly approaching from a ritual back in October I went to)

Okay okay okay look. What you do is both really fun and super good looking. No way i'm not going to be excited about it. There is something in the way you draw Vessel (and the rest but expecially Ves) that is just.. at least in my eyes just so perfectly captures his energy. And i love the style you have a lot. Also your humour. And all of it combined is just something special. And it's never not going to be immensley lovely in my eyes. So please never stop sharing your creations! 🙏🏻🫶🏻

BUT please NEVER ever for a second think that i'm cool. I'm the one who started to draw Tiny Token because i was too anxious to say happy birthday to someone after all. Half the time i feel too awkward to talk to people even when i have talked with them before. I could not be further from being cool, trust me on that one.

And on the note of "the group" it's an open one btw and you are part of it as well. The fellowship of Sleep welcomes all into the ranks. I don't want to speak in the stead of the others but in general we are just an awkward excited bunch of people who love seeing all the things in the fandom. And basically consider everyone around this ever growing ST community on tumblr to be a part of the friendgroup, regardless of the amount of interactions we had. Which obviously includes you as well; we are just too shy to engage more half the time. The bane of being terrified of being even mildly annoying.

And you can't really stalk much for it, i don't think i made a post yet on which dates i'll be at, because there is still some calculations to do, especially with the two new dates. But i will be at at least a couple of the UK shows in november (so if anyone is going and want's to see my stupid ass and we yet to have discussed it, please feel free to hit me up and we'll coordinate a meetup somehow).

And please by all means ramble on as long as you want to about anything and everything because it is good for your soul. Also I don't know why but for some reason this photo has such a funny energy. It makes me smile so hard, so thank you for sharing! 💖

[bloodcandied]

Death Addiction 亡瘾 Chapter 4

When Xu Tuo was not at home, in fact, I would secretly investigate his identity.

"Xu Tuo" was a fake identity, from beginning to end. In a waterproof bag under his bed, there were several spare sets of fake identities.

If he wanted to hide it though, he could have done so in a more difficult place. Perhaps we'd been together so long that all those initial cautions we'd had about each other had begun to dull, as if two gentle, harmless creatures living together could never feed in the same cage.

I originally thought he'd be back in a few days, but it turned out that after two weeks, it was as if the man had evaporated, and I hadn't even heard from him. I even took the risk of checking the morgue to see if there was an additional unclaimed and mysterious body out in the field.

Usually, I'd use the excuse of "rushing back to cook for my roommate" to put off the fellowship organized by the unit. These days I didn't make it back to cook, so I was immediately seized by my colleagues. Two team leaders dragged me to the car while counting me down: "Xiao Dai you are too withdrawn, too withdrawn. You're the type that young girls like nowadays, so be confident."

I don't know if they'd be surprised if I told them that not only did young girls like me, but serial killers did too.

The restaurant I was whisked away to was a Japanese barbecue place in the center of town, where people sat next to each other, and the leader of the group, who was a friend of Uncle Zhou's, tried desperately to get me to go mingle with girls.

--That was the day I met Qi Mengzhu.

Like me, he was obviously dragged here by his own coworkers, and looked out of place among a bunch of hot people. But his expression was much softer than mine. In his words, when he saw me sitting on the opposite side of the table with a sour face that day, he thought I was the one responsible for paying the bill.

In fact, it was quite surprising to meet someone like Mr. Qi at the party. He was thirty-five years old, with handsome features, well-mannered, and well-suited. And our fellowship was a joint venture, and he was the company's senior manager.

I could feel the difference in how women treated the two of us - this man appeared to be here for the purpose of dating, like a red blooded beast ready to destroy a village.

Listening to the chat across the table, his father was one of the directors of the company. Qi Mengzhu graduated from business studies in the UK, spent a few years in the overseas sector, and was transferred back to China last year, with a flawless resume, and could be said to be a veritable rich second generation.

I was a little shaken.

After staying with Xu Tuo for such a long time, suddenly meeting Qi Mengzhu, an animal destined to live in the sun from birth, made me momentarily lack a sense of reality.

In the restaurant, the smell of barbecue and the sound of chatting intertwined into a cloud of hot smoke. I sat there playing with my cell phone, and suddenly, my foot was kicked.

A few seconds later, I reacted, and realized that Mr. Xiao Qi was the one kicking me. He smiled at me, "Does your department usually have to touch corpses?"

"Probably have to." I answered simply. Like a bug in the gutter afraid of meeting dry sunlight, I instinctively moved away from him, afraid of being exposed to the sunlight.

He kicked me gently again.

"-I thought male employees in your kind of organization weren't allowed to have long hair."

I'd read the regulations carefully before I started, and all it said was that no shorts were allowed to be worn to work.

The grill in front of us was a little charred, and no one paid much attention to the grill. Qi Mengzhu wiped his hands on a hot towel and took a clip to flick the cooked vegetables to the sides, one piece of meat to the left and one to the right, holding them level from side to side.

--Towel rests, chopstick holders, seasoning plates, cell phones ...... everything on his side was neatly placed point to point, corner to corner.

"Dai Xueming," he called to me, "are you hungry?"

Qi Mengzhu used a clip to hold the meat and came over to my plate; I was still lost in thought, and my cell phone screen was displaying the interface to send a message to someone - what was Xu Tuo doing right now?

"Dai, the other Qi is talking to you." The team leader reminded me.

I looked back. The meat Qi Mengzhu was holding was dripping a string of grease, and perhaps it was an illusion, but a short flash of disgust crossed his eyes.

"I'm not hungry." I gave him a very insensitive reply, "I'm going to the restroom."

The barbecue place was booming on the weekends, but the hallway to the restroom at the back of the store wasn't devoid of people. I stood in the hallway with my cell phone, looking at the screen. The message to Xu Tuo was tinkered with many times, but in the end it didn't go out.

Someone ruffled my hair from behind, and I shuddered, jumped and turned around, looking at the person warily - it was Qi Mengzhu.

"You don't like the atmosphere either, do you?" He smiled as if he'd done nothing and withdrew his hand, "Me too. Do you want to go out for some air?"

"No need."

"You're not here to use the restroom either."

"I'll go later, I came back here to message my friend."

"What message?"

I didn't like this person.

Although Xu Tuo and I had known each other for a long time, the two of us never rushed to squeeze into each other's safe private zones. Xu Tuo was sometimes bitchy and got a little excited talking about the killing process, but I would have rather been surrounded by ten Xu Tuos right now than face this person.

--Qi Mengzhu made the warning lights go off in my mind.

I had lived with a serial killer for so long that I was able to keenly recognize when people and things were dangerous, and had an unimaginably high level of tolerance for dangerous people. Yet this man in front of me, what did he look at me like? Not like a human looking at another human, but like a snake staring at a frog.

"Are those ...... strangulation marks on your neck?" He asked.

"The neckline of the dress shirt my mother picked out for me was too tight and it left marks." That was my safe answer for the ages.

He smiled sideways, "It's strangulation from the rope."

I mentally cursed.

"Strangled by a little kid who didn't know any better while playing with the neighbor kids."

"How many answers did you have prepared?" He smiled more intensely, his eyes even brightening, "-Are you trying to kill yourself?"

There could be no more contact with him.

Someone came from the other end of the corridor, and I took the opportunity to bump him off and run back to the restaurant. Before the leader of the group could urge me to sit down, I was already carrying my bag, "Grandma doesn't seem to be feeling well, my mom told me to go home and check."

It was ten o'clock at night, and there were only a few people around the residential area. I drove into the neighborhood's underground garage, ready to park and go home.

The sound of another person's footsteps echoed in the garage in addition to mine. Because of the echoes, I had no way to tell which direction this person was going, but I just locked the car door and hurried toward the elevator.

The moment I pushed open the glass door of the elevator room, a suited figure flashed out from behind me and grabbed my shoulder.

--It was Qi Mengzhu!

The blood in my body froze, and the hand that went to push the door with force slipped on the doorknob.

"...... these are signs of hanging ......" he came up beside my neck, his voice lowered, "not strangulation---hanging from the top down ......"

"Get out!" I wanted to kick him away. Xu Tuo was sometimes guilty of giving up with by kicking him away; but I'd clearly overestimated the broad spectrum of that method - he dodged my counterattacks, which had neither speed nor strength, and wrenched both of my shoulders.

"Dai Xueming, did you try to kill yourself, but weren't able to bring yourself to do it?" A gleam of extreme excitement shone in his eyes, and it looked incredibly bizarre on this well-mannered face, "--I'll help you! Let me help you! I knew I wouldn't be wrong, you believe ......"

Before the words fell, the entire parking lot echoed with a muffled "thud".

--Qi Mengzhu collapsed. Behind him, Xu Tuo threw away the iron bucket used to wash the car in his hand, which rolled on the ground, leaving bloodstains across the floor. He'd smashed the back of Qi Mengzhu's head hard with it.

"I saw your car enter the neighborhood and wanted to go down to the parking lot to join you." With some confusion in his eyes, he kicked the ground with his toe, "Who's this? Your new boyfriend?"

I dragged him back to the house, my hand shaking with my keys as I opened the door.

"Don't worry, he'll wake up in a little while, I didn't hit him hard enough to worry that it was really your new boyfriend."

"...... He'll call the police ......"

"Won't happen. He's probably more vain than we are. I can tell at a glance if a person will call the police."

Xu Tuo dropped his travel backpack on the couch; he had just returned from a long trip and collapsed on the cushions with a long sigh of relief. I was still worried about Qi Mengzhu and stood hovering at the window.

"It's okay," He smiled bitterly, "I'm here."

"It's the fact that you're there is the trouble. Did you leave any dangerous items? Just in case, take them all and dispose of them first."

I found the waterproof bag where he hid the fake documents and took it to the kitchen gas stove to burn them all. Xu Tuo's voice came from the living room: "Your cell phone draft box has thirty-seven messages to me ...... so miss me ah? Why not send them, and only keep them in the draft box?"

"Don't play with my phone!" I rushed over and snatched it back, emptying the drafts box all together, "If the police haven't come to my door the day after tomorrow, it'll be fine ...... You'd better pray that Qi Mengzhu really won't call the police."

"You're worried about me?" He grinned as he rolled over and sat up on the couch, "Xueming, but I can leave anytime I want."

I froze, "What?"

"--I've stayed in this city for too long."

Xu Tuo once said that he rarely stayed in one place for very long. Usually only staying for a few days to a few months.

But he'd been staying here for a few years now.

I'd never bothered to find out why he stayed here. I got used to him being here.

"But I might actually have to go." He said, "Maybe next week, maybe tomorrow. I came back this time to tell you about it."

I looked at him blankly, not knowing what to say for a moment.

"You don't want me to go?" He asked.

"......"

"Can you find a reason for me not to go?" He reached out his hand and held the cell phone in my hand, "Xueming, you yourself don't realize that you're actually no different from a child, and that the person you've exchanged secrets with can put you at ease - and only a child would take the matter of exchanging secrets so seriously, so seriously that it's like exchanging wedding rings. "

He didn't open that travel bag. I knew what that meant. Not organizing the travel bag meant a new trip was coming soon.

I gripped my cell phone tightly and didn't let him pull it out of my hand.

"I know what you're trying to do." He said.

"You know?"

"In elementary school, I used to hear my classmates say, 'If you don't play with me, I'll ignore you again.'" He had a calm smile in his eyes, reflecting my somewhat distorted complexion, "...... If I don't play with you, will you call the police?"

"......You want to try and find out?" I took half a step back, hiding my cell phone behind me.

His eyes narrowed slightly, "Stop it."

After a few seconds of silence, I sighed.

"-I'm kidding." I said, "Just leave if you want to, and remember to pay this month's rent."

He shrugged his shoulders and leaned back on the couch, "I was worried......"

--The instant those words fell, he leapt off the couch at me.

It was so fast that although I was on guard, my body couldn't keep up with the reaction and I was knocked down by the neck.

The cell phone fell out and the screen lit up, displaying the interface to send a message to Uncle Zhou.

Xu Tuo stepped on my chest and picked up the phone from the floor, he lifted the coffee table upwards a little bit and shoved my phone under the table's foot. Then the coffee table landed heavily, the table legs crushing it to pieces.

"The house play is over, Xueming" He looked down at me, and I couldn't read his expression because of the backlighting, "There's no way I can leave you alone. I'm going to have to kill you and your mom downstairs before I can leave in peace."

He dragged me into the bedroom and took the rope out of the drawer and wrapped it around my neck, then opened the window and secured the other end to the shelf of the air conditioner's outer box, just like he had done to himself that one time. Xu Tuo dragged me to the window sill, tidied my forehead hair wet with cold sweat, and slowly tightened the rope.

"Have ...... you ever thought about doing this before?" I asked softly.

He nodded. The man's expression softened again in the moonlight.

"Fifty fifty chance you'll survive" He said.

Xu Tuo gave me one last hug, patting my back gently like putting a child to sleep. Half of my body was already outside the window, and at any moment he could let go and be the moment the roller coaster went down.

"If ......" I didn't reach out to pull him back. I knew that as soon as I made the move to try and tug him back, he would instantly slam me out the window, "What if I had something to keep you here?"

Xu Tuo didn't answer, continuing to soothe me, patting me on the back.

"Someone is constantly preying on young women, disguised as suicide by hanging. This month, there were three cases in this district, and over the past six months, there have probably been more than twenty in the city."

At my words, his movements stopped. My breathing stopped with them, wondering if the next moment would usher in a downward spiral.

Then I heard his voice.

"--How did you know?"

"...... I saw the photos in our database ...... Cases that end in suicide are rarely sent to us. I saw a case that said the rope the victim used to hang herself was very special, so my colleague made a trace entry in passing ...... I've since gone to the city's archives to look for it, and this particular rope trace appeared in other suicide cases."

"How special?"

I looked into his eyes, which twitched a little and turned downward.

I said, "It's just like the rope mark on my neck, a mark caused by a high yardage German climbing rope."

Xu Tuo smiled at me. I rarely smiled, but at the moment, for some reason, I smiled back at him.

Immediately after, I was pushed off the ledge and fell out the window.

To be continued

[supercantaloupe]

lying face down on the floor

didn't get my internship. autism swag too strong for the kennedy center i guess i mean why else would i be rejected from three separate internship positions already. they couldn't handle me (<- trying to act cool about losing an opportunity in her dream job/field)

but it does mean i can go to spain this summer. which. i mean. spain is cool. excited to go back. and i love getting to travel and play. even if i do have to pay for the trip (on a scholarship, but still) myself instead of doing a job and getting paid for it.

although it is technically a mission trip with a korean church group's youth orchestra so i have no idea if i'll like. have anyone to hang out with or relate to. idk i guess i'll just bring a book to read while everyone's in bible study or whatever. not like i've had much luck in the past making friends with anyone whilst traveling even when they're my peers...except when i went to italy with my own youth orchestra in high school...i always get along better with other music people but like. idk. i don't see myself getting super buddy buddy with a bunch of kids and i have no idea who there'll be in terms of other adults to associate with either. idk. i'll enjoy the scenery and food at least

i need to look for a new job for the summer now tho. probably retail or food service. which. will probably be soul sucking. but. i need something to do and some way to earn cash. and it's just until the end of august...at least i have the fellowship lined up for next fall thank fucking gd. if i didn't. idk. i'd just melt into a puddle of goo or something

oh and i have to cancel my gig with another local orchestra too. i was supposed to play EH on scheherezade for a concert in june with them but it's during the spain trip so. i feel bad about cancelling on them but at least it's with a month and a half of warning. plus i offered to lend/rent them my instrument cause i don't need it for my trip. that way at least they can have someone cover the part without me and maybe i can make a little bit of money from it...not much tho i don't have the heart to charge a lot

well i went over to see the apartment again and got a few more things sorted out there. i'll be switching to the smallest room rather than the biggest now which is fine cause i don't need a big bedroom and the rent is cheaper and very reasonable for this city. i get extra storage and desk space in the basement too since i have the smallest bedroom. and i'm buying a bunch of furniture from an outgoing tenant including bed desk chair and dresser for relatively cheap too so i don't need to get or move any big pieces like that myself, convenient. i'll probably move in first week of may and boy am i looking forward to it. i want undergrad to be over already i am so tired of being here

oh also dan texted today to tell me he's sick! fucking wonderful! he said he got someone from the conservatory to cover which i think he means for tonight's rehearsal? honestly i don't even care at this point if he's out for the concert tomorrow i or his backup contact will cover the first parts for him but i will go literally fucking insane if he's still out of it by sunday. he says it's just something he ate and he should be fine by tomorrow but You Can Imagine Why I'm Not The Most Confident. i mean fucking hell i haven't even met the second player he got for my trio yet...we're supposed to rehearse tomorrow afternoon for my recital sunday morning. and brother i feel like an e string about to snap

[table-top-romulan-playing-games]

Got the idea from a friend to fill this out, but ill wait to post on the 31st since im starting this on the 23rd

1. First RPG bought this year: Alice is Missing. I havent gotten to play it yet, mostly bc the subject matter involved make it so i am picky about finding the right group for it, but its got a great concept and set up and being a silent game played through messaging apps, and deals with rather dark subject matter and makes sure that you are aware of how to navigate lines and veils respectfully without compromising the story.

2. Most recently Played: Fellowship, a game about being a bunch of guys trying to defeat an overlord... im playing a hedgehog... we got to do sick tricks at a sport event competition last session.

3. Most played Game: Again, Fellowship, its really the only titterpeg i have going on rn.

4. RPG with Great Art: This is a toss up between Mork Borg and Mouseguard, but for two different reasons. Mork Borg is described as a brutally realistic fantasy game, and its book art is absolutely gorgeous, designed to look like a Zine, uses black/white/yellow as its color scheme, and has beautiful typography while making sure the rules are legible. Mouseguard is beautiful for its gorgeous illustrative work by David Peterson, mixing in these cute watercolor illustrations against what is in fact a brutal backstory.

5. RPG with Great Writing: I assume this means Rules, so the rpg ive seen with the best clear cut rules in the sense that I havent had to ask a dozen clarifying questions for, would have to be Mouseguard.

6. RPG that is Easy to Use: Wanderhome. I finally got to play it at Gen-Con this year, and its just as good as i hoped. It does have playbooks, but there are no dice. Its very much a "Yes, And" type of game where you and your fellow players build the world together by going "what if we went to a lagoon..." "With and underwater graveyard?" "Yes, and perhaps there is cave nearby that has been turned into a shelter for wanderers" "and that cave is where you see the empty cocoons of the last of the monarch butterflies, sort of like a shrine" "and from that shrine is produced a fruit inside of the cocoons that tastes different to each person". It was such a good game and i would love to play it again!

7. RPG with Good Form: idk what this means but Yazeba's Bed and Breakfast had great form in the sense that it utilizes different mechanics, and that you are encouraged to play different characters every chapter bc you can change something about that character and hand it off to the next person who will add onto to the character as well and by the end you will have a character who has been changed by multiple different people.

8. An Accessory you Appreciate: when a Game comes with tchotchkes i am in love ❤️

9. An accesory you'd like to see: i actually dont know off the top of my head, ive got games that came with mini journals, coins, tokens, pebbles, dices, trinkets... i think i would like to see a game that uses that chart grades pre-k through grade 5 would use where you get a sticker for doing something. You hit for the most damage? Sticker. You successfully did a diplomacy? Sticker. You RP'd very good? Sticker.

10. An RPG you would like to see on TV: is it cheating if i say Star Trek Adventures lmaooo... I wanna say I would love to see a Call of Cthulu tv show. But it would have to be either styled like a 1980's thriller, or a 1920's psychological horror film.

11. RPGs with well supported oneshots: Monsterhearts, Mork Borg and its cyberpunk version, Babes in the Woods has a specific section for one-shots, Star Trek Adventures, The Quiet Year... imo most games can be adapted into oneshots.

12. RPGs with well supported campaigns: Star Trek Advetures has specific mechanics that only work in a long term game, such as reputation and spotlights, Monsterhearts as well because of strings. Fellowship and mouseguard i think work best as campaigns.

13. Evocative Environments: Wanderhome - You build the environments together and can come up with some beatiful and meaningful environments. Yazeba's bnb has a good background even if it really only focuses on a bed and breakfast. The Quiet Year - the environment you build together is important bc the environment can cause problems and thats a good thing.

14. Great characters: im just gonna list off my fave characters ive played bc all titterpegs can produce great characters- Tanner from Mouseguard, Echo my Wanderhome Character, Katz from Fellowship, Lyra from Lancer, and Devin from my Call of Cthulhu campaign.

15. Great Character Gear: Gun in a setting where Gun is not common is always funny. Any modern campaign where you can be like "okay so i pull out my smart phone and google it".

16. Easy to Learn: The Quiet Year, Mouseguard, most PBtA games ive played, wanderhome, and Yazeba's.

17. An engaging rpg community: Gen-Con in general has been amazing.

18. A memorable moment of play: i have so many but i still love that time i played a lowerdecks style one shot and i got the character that didnt have a lot to do, but i got the great final shot that involved my Caitian Security officer carrying an unconscious Romulan out of a DS9 holodeck, firemen style, while dragging Quark by his ear to the infirmary. This character also challenged a klingon to a homoerotic wrestling match as a distarction for others to snoop.

19. A Sensational Session: a play by post session i had with my Fellowship GM of the Consequences to Betraying the Overlord that led to my characters eventual redemption.

20. Amazing Adventure: Mouseguard was fantastic!

21. Classic Campaign: the Call of Cthulhu campaign was neat and was probably closer to a classic campaign at the time.

22. Notaable Non-Player Character: Joseph (i think that was his name, its been a few years) from my call of cthulhu campaign where he is the one who gets us all together and my first CoC character hands him a business card that says "Dr. Danny McSkully, Mortician" after helping him with his wife who was in medical need.

23. Peerless player: Ive met a lot of great players at the tables, and I cant narrow it down, especially since some of them ive met once and im terrible at remembering names, but the common denom has to be the ability to "Yes, And" in RP that i aspire to.

24. Aclaimed Advice: Just have Fun and respect the others at the table and the game will be awesome!

25. Desirable Dice: all of them

26. Superb Screen: I dont use screens often because i mostly play online, and the only ones ive used are for DnD which i do like bc they have the shortcuts for things typed out on them.

27. Marvelous Miniature: I also dont play with Miniatures too often, but i did have fun playing bloodbowl with my halflings.

28. Great Gamer Gadget: a Phone, to look up things in between turns bc sometimes i forget things...

29. Awesome App: imma be honest the only one i know off is Roll20, and i dont wanna say Roll20.

30. Person you'd like to play with: Anyone who has appeared on Clear Skies, but especially Sam and Erik, seems fun to play with and we can geek about Star Trek!

31. Game or Gamer you miss: I kinda miss playing Lancer, i only got to play a few sessions, but they were great anyways. I also miss playing Mouseguard a bit... and I want to play a Star Trek Adventures campaign, but i cant seem to find one that i can fit in my schedule or that i actually vibe with...

[sparklyslug]

Thoughts on Steve being an Aragorn-type character, and do any of the other ST characters give you the lotr feelings?

I’d love to hear your ST/Lotr thoughts!

WHOA WHAT A GIFT OF AN ANON MESSAGE! Expound upon random LOTR/ST thoughts? Don't threaten me with a good time, sheesh.

(Promo moment: @greenlikethesea and I wrote a fic about Steve and Eddie going to see the Fellowship movie release, and having talks about what character they see themselves as, you can read it here)

STEVE AS ARAGORN: Look at Aragorn, Son of Arathorn, and tell me he isn't the reluctant babysitter of this bunch. But also, he is brave, he is adept as a warrior (LISTEN just because Steve gets his ass handed to him a lot of the time doesn't mean he CAN'T FIGHT, it unfortunately just means other people can fight better, this is not untrue for Aragorn as well), he has a deeply romantic heart and his most personal goals are aligned towards that: he just wants love, kinship, family, even with all these "bigger" dramas and goals happening around him. He inspires loyalty in others, his family background is WOOOOO COMPLICATED but that hasn't left him incapable of extending compassion and love to others. Aragorn is also a certified wifeguy, so jot that down too.

And there's the way that Aragorn is kind of in between two places when it comes to his identity. He is someone who was born with a sort of status, but is very much betwixt and between two worlds. He was raised very aware of his heritage, but can't access it. He was brought up in Rivendell, but he is not an elf. He is part of the Dundedain rangers, but they're a wandering bunch and though they do rally around him at the end of the saga (I get why the movies didn't have the scope to bring in more of the rangers, but DAMN IT WOULD HAVE BEEN COOL TO SEE THEM) he operates alone a lot of the time. Steve similarly across the reach of the series is frequently operating alone, especially in s1 and s2 when he's fully in his own bubble of the plot until he connects with Dustin and then further in s3 with Robin. Steve is kind of of a "normal" popular world, but also increasingly divorced from it. He's an outsider on multiple levels: he's not really a part of the world of status and popularity he once embodied, but he is also not easily accepted by your Robins and your Eddies, who know who he is enough that they can't initially see him as one of them, even though he's not really the guy he used to be either. There's a lot of distrust of Aragorn, especially in Fellowship, and it takes a lot of slow plodding on his part to really work his way into the group.

I also was literally having this message exchange with @andropogonfalons yesterday, and he said something that absolutely has haunted me: that Steve wears the legacy of being the king, of literally being King Steve, with a lot of doubt, a lot of complicated shame and uncertainty. But it's a mantle that he'll pick back up when it's necessary (facing down Billy comes to mind first, there are other examples I'm sure), and I think as the series goes on and the situation calls for it he finds ways of occupying that kind of power of King Steve (the confidence, the leadership, etc) on his own terms, so it becomes less of a burden on him and more something he can apply his own skills to, to shape into being the type of king he wants to be, feels he can be.

JONATHAN AS BOROMIR. what you need to know about me is that I AM A BOROMIR GIRL, OKAY? I fucking love that guy, so never think that anything I say about him is at all with a feeling of disrespect because hooooooooo my emotions. Jonathan, like Boromir, had to grow up too soon. Had to shoulder the burdens of his entire family's expectations and needs, without getting a lot of thanks for it (even from his mom, in early s1 especially, it is heartbreaking). He is clearly Lonnie's "preferred" son, and he fucking hates that, it is no kind of privilege or honor to be so obviously the favorite. In his mind if Lonnie can't be a father to Will, he sure as shit is no kind of father to Jonathan. Likewise, he points out in s1 that Lonnie only ever wants to push his interests onto his sons, without regarding them as people, who they are and what they want or enjoy for themselves. BIG OL DENETHOR VIBES THERE. The way Boromir is so protective of the hobbits, specifically good to them and literally laying down his life for them-- gOSH. Boromir is the ultimate big brother, in his life and for the Fellowship, and that's Jonathan.

EDDIE AS BOROMIR. Okay like I said I have a lot of Boromir thoughts and feelings they can't be contained in one person. I think if there's any one person in the show who cuts himself no slack at all for his one moment of human weakness, it's Eddie. No one can resist the ring, and no one could have helped Chrissy in that moment, but Eddie can't see that. He can't let himself off the hook for that in any way, and his guilt and shame over that one lapse in "strength" defines his further choices and ultimately leads to his death. Ha! Fuck!

EDDIE AS FARAMIR. So while I think maybe Eddie would cast himself as Boromir, I think it would be for all the shameful fuckup reasons, and not giving himself (OR BOROMIR) enough credit for Boromir's essential kindness, his strength, his nobility, his ability to lead in a way that's different than what Aragorn does but is no less powerful and inspiring. And these qualities are all also shared by Faramir. No one expects anything from Faramir. No one looks to him for great deeds or saving the day, they're just like-- there's Faramir, off in the corner, with his books and his learning and shit, he's no warrior, whatever. But Faramir has the capacity for greatness in him, and has in fact been expressing leadership and power the entire time, just not in ways the people around him can see it. Faramir is likewise pretty hard on himself, doesn't really recognize his own qualities either, because he's spent long enough being told that they don't exist. Power has no appeal to Faramir, being one of the few men (few BEINGS, damn) who specifically can resist the ring, and who easily yields up his Stewardship of Gondor so Aragorn can be king with like a, yeah no big man, it's all yours. Power is not a motivator for him, he just wants to do what's right, and look after the people under his command, the people he cares about. He is also someone who would say he has a cynical heart while spouting the most romantic shit imaginable, and if you want to just like, think about his courtship of Eowyn with me and cry, that would be nice.

ELEVEN AS GANDALF. A powerful being whose origins are largely unknown to the people around her, she has otherworldly gifts but really mostly wants to spend her time with her goofy hobbit friends, being a part of their normal lives and holding their safety as being basically on equal importance to the safety of, like, the world. As long as the Shire remains, hope remains. As long as Hawkins remains, hope remains, etc. Gandalf is literally Tolkien's analog to more or less angels, and yet with all that ultimate cosmic power he really wants to spend his time in the Shire mostly using his powers for party tricks and smoking weed. It's not only a preference, I think it's something like a need. When you have all that otherworldly power, when you are so apart from the rest of the people around you, you need that anchoring force of like, the hobbits who just think you're cool and funny and trust you even though you're kind of weird. El's relationship to the Party has again and again anchored her back into her humanity, bringing her back from the edge when she's teetering over a line towards some truly dark places. There's also connectivity in how she loses her powers (the death of Gandalf the Grey) but then comes back even stronger (Gandalf the White).

WILL AS FRODO. It's not just in the haunted big eyes. Frodo gets caught up in a global conflict beyond his understanding and certainly beyond what he's prepared for. Frodo certainly has more of a choice than Will does, at least in that he is presented with one at all at the council of Elrond, but Will makes choices too when it comes to fighting off the Mind Flayer's possession, continuing to help his friends. He pays the price, arguably higher than basically any of them, his role in the events not just a physical burden but an emotional and mental strain that chips away at him. I don't know what s5 is gonna be, obviously, but if it's more Will-centric I can envision (EVEN THOUGH IT MAKES ME V SAD) some variation of the yes, we did save the Shire-- but not for me conclusion for Will. Sometimes the price is too high, and even if you pay it and you win, there isn't always a way to just come back from that and live "normally". Also: haunted big eyes. Also: he is gay.

MIKE AS SAM: I really started this by going "will is frodo but mike is nOT SAM" and the more I thought about it the more I was like, fuck, yeah no that actually really works. The stubborn loyalty, the drive to get shit done while everyone else is kind of standing around going ????what do we do. Mike has an essential core of decency, and if he is the heart of the party then the heart of the party is absolutely Sam. Also, if Will gets his Frodo conclusion to the show, then I can see Mike being the one who is able to settle back into normal life, marry Rosie Cotton and raise a family. Not out of any lack of love or respect for Will and what they've been through (I don't ship it, but I do love the complications of the childhood best friendship that as you grow up gets strained and confused but no less loving) but just because he hasn't suffered in the same ways, and carries different burdens differently.

LUCAS AS MERRY, DUSTIN AS PIPPIN: the comparisons aren't always that deep and like, I feel like the show is genre-savvy enough that it consciously knows this. Four hobbits, four buddies, it just works. The carefree two of the bunch who get swept up into the broader action, without any specific skin in the game other than their desire to help and protect their friends. Merry, the more mature of the two, seeks to grow up a little into the conflict they're thrust into, through his service to Theoden and further heroism particularly (so the Rohirrim are...Hawkins basketball?? Hey maybe. Jason in this case is certainly not Theoden, because I love Theoden and Jason can kick rocks, though they certainly both know their way around a rousing motivational speech, fuck, wait okay maybe in this case Grima is like, the forces of classicism and privilege and prejudice whispering in Jason's ear and warping his worldview? NO STOP HANNAH WALK AWAY). Dustin is presented as comic relief, but he has his own journey of maturation while still staying true to himself (NEVER CHANGE DUSTIN HENDERSON) and also goes about collecting big brother mentor figures and protectors like nobody's business.

NANCY AS LEGOLAS, ROBIN AS GIMLI. Okay admittedly this was started as just a haha! who's left! kind of thing but also THE MORE I THINK ABOUT IT-- Nancy as the heir to a family situation that she's not really comfortable with, is very much OF her family but doesn't really connect with it and honestly from the events of Fellowship on, like, if Legolas even goes back to Mirkwood it's not for long, and he certainly doesn't ever take up his father's throne. The badass sharpshooter with a dry sense of humor and a SHARP sense of what's going on, not that anyone listens to her pronouncements of doom when they REALLY REALLY SHOULD BE. Robin as Gimli is just fucking funny okay, she's got no filter and she'll say what she needs to say but also fuck with her at your peril because she's got a core of iron. And, also, a soft spot for the ladies (three strands of Vickie's hair?? oMG AN HEIRLOOM A TREASURE) and also something something axe as a historic symbol of lesbianism.

VECNA AS SAURON. Okay yes this is a little bit of an easy reach, but I am thinking specifically of Sauron in the fall of Numenor (reaching for that Silmarillion lore now babyyyyy), and Vecna as Henry Creel: the seductive beauty, the easy way of getting others on his side and influencing them, the ability to persuade that despite his obvious and known allyship to the forces of extreme darkness (Sauron to Morgoth, Henry to being a proto serial killer who murdered his mother and sister), he is still able to win the confidence of others enough so that they keep him around, thinking he's controlled but really enabling his acts of future villainy, just with more subtlety. We just get the quickest little bit of how Henry became One, but the fact that he not only went through that training process but also was kept on as an orderly? BREMMER WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?? Clearly the trust wasn't absolute (tasers, yikes) but also clearly this is someone who was otherwise able to interact freely with the kids at Hawkins lab, under serious watch but otherwise able to operate with impunity within those confines, just as Sauron was. Even El tries to appeal to him as though he can be redeemed, which speaks as much about her as it does about him honestly, but despite everything he's done she really seems to believe he's not a monster. Serious Sauron behavior. And then, yeah, easy reach time, when his ultimate villainy is revealed he is robbed of the ability to hide it behind a beautiful exterior and can only be seen as the monster he truly is. If this is the way anyone finds out that Sauron used to be a hottie bo bottie before he was a disembodied eye, I consider it my great honor.

[anyroads]

¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Hey Jumblr/Shtetlcore, the Adamah Fellowship is apparently still accepting apps for this fall! It’s a three-month Jewish food and farming program based out of the Isabella Freedman Retreat Center in Connecticut, centered around learning and practicing at the intersection of farming and Judaism, while living in Jewish community.

I did the fellowship in 2009 and even now I’m still so excited for people to go do it I start flailing and talking too loud. I miss it. I miss everyone I met there (we still keep in touch and some of them were at my wedding even though I moved overseas a few years later. It’s cheesy summer camp bff level shit but grown up and honestly whatever, I love those folks SO MUCH). I miss the goats. I miss the food omggggg the food is so good and it’s literally stuff you’ve grown and pulled out of the ground yourself???

I learned about farming, food preservation (jam! pickles! CHEESE!!!), and working with goats and chickens but also did all of it through the lens of Jewish agricultural tradition which wasn’t even a thing I knew about before I heard of Adamah. And now I have all these friends who are cheesemongers and run farms and whatnot. And man, figuring out how to build community with a group of people I’d never met before was an Experience. I grew so much as a person in such a short time. I also took a truckload of photos so I’m posting those because if I keep typing it’s gonna sound more and more cheesy and like I’m selling something and really I just feel like everyone should experience Adamah, I loved it so much, I can’t

(I’m also really excited about this because Adamah is generally a wonderfully queer friendly space but the guy who founded and has been running Hazon, the parent organization that Adamah and Freedman fall under is, to say it as kindly as I can, a problematic abusive garbage human who wouldn’t have held on this long if his one actual skill wasn’t fundraising, and he’s leeeeeeeaving I’m so excited he is leeeeeeaving possibly because a bunch of Adamah alumni banded together and wrote a letter to the board about him and there was a lot of backdoor pressure on them because WE MAKE CHANGE HAPPEN but anyway I digress, my point is, there is new management and the new CEO is a genuinely wonderful human being who’s spent his life doing actual Jewish environmental work and not just pandering to boomers with big wallets. Anyway, Jewish intracommunal politics rant over, my point is, Adamah is intended to be a safe space and it’s just gotten a little safer.)

there’s a lake I miss it I miss it I want to go back why am I old and in England

I miss milking goats even though I did way too much way too fast and it gave me carpal tunnel I don’t even care it was worth it I miss these ladies and their stupid sass

Turned that milk into cheeeeeeeeese delicious cheeeeeeese omg never in my life will I get to drown in chevre so freely again

how are these babies even legal look at them

a few years later I did a masters in fine art and showed photos from Adamah at a tutorial session and people were like, this can’t be a farmer they’re dressed too nicely and my head nearly exploded, like, are you expecting overalls and flannel and a straw hat? are you expecting farmers to “look poor?” Apparently Carhartts and weatherproof jackets are too fancy now, someone was literally like, “that guy must be a model” I WAS SCREAMING. Anyway this was a day we harvested sweet potatoes and they all had gnarly shapes and I miss being in a field with people talking about Benjamin and Adorno and singing dumb pop songs and swapping menstrual cup tips and doing a mikvah in a lake every week because fuck it why not.

This was one of the batches of kimchi we made. I love this photo so much, it just has that vibe of what it was like to be in the pickling kitchen with a bunch of people and work and goof around and just like... make something together? THE VIBES

Sukkot up there gave me life. Look at this Jewish shit. Look at this fucking postcard photo I took. I should sell this on Etsy.

I mean... living inside a shtetlcore aesthetic? I’m so glad I took photos. I’m making me so nostalgic and sad now ignore me.

This is a thing that exists and it is AWESOME

Oh and we went hiking! Like, a bunch. This is at the top of a hill that’s like, a half hour hike. We’d go up here a lot. One time a bunch of us hiked up here in the middle of the night to howl at the full moon because ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ . I should’ve taken my camera, maybe it was Shabbat or something? Or maybe I just didn’t have my 35mm lens yet so my f-stop wasn’t low enough but anyway, this valley lit by moonlight is unreal. I’m not crying, you’re crying.

Anyway, if this is your jam (JAM, GET IT?), they’re still accepting applications for this fall's cohort, (August 19th- November 21st,).

                                                link--> adamah.org <--

Feel free to DM me if you have questions. #enabler

[fundielicious-simblr]

(Adalynn's POV)

We had such a blast at camp! What a spiritually and emotionally upbuilding week of encouragement and learning. The week before we headed out was a whirlwind of planning, packing, and repacking on repeat. Since we were taking Zayden and Mia with us, I sent Eliza a packing list of things that would be good for them to pack as well as the prices for the different courses and activities that the kids would be doing. Since it's about a 2 day drive from Willowcreek to Granite Falls if you include all the stops, we made a homeschool trip out of it and used the trip to teach the older boys on nature as we passed through different areas. Since there was the ratio of 1 adult to 5 children with just Mason and I, Macie and Annette came into town to visit us for a week prior to camp so that they could travel with us in our camper. Depending on people's schedules we can have any combination of people coming to help with travel with the boys, one summer we had both my parents ride with us, usually Macie will come to help either alone or with one of the other girls. Mason's parents also come to camp and their family have been regulars for many years (it's even how we met), so usually they travel behind us in their car.

If I'm honest, the week went by in a flash, the kids would have such great stories about what they'd learnt in their kids classes. Talking to Mia about what she'd learnt in her girls courses took me back to when I was going to those classes myself. The boys did various outside activities like rock climbing, horse riding, archery etc, and later all the children took part in team building activities outside that the parents could watch and cheer on.

The last full day at camp is always a fun day on the lake, theres various activities and it's a time for fellowship and fun with friends and family. It was great being able to relax and chat, especially to my siblings that live all over and who we aren't able to see as often. Kyleigh is well into her pregnancy with her 11th baby, she facetimed us all who weren't able to be there for the announcement they made to our parents at home. Stacie lives in the big city San Myshuno, so we rarely see her unless it's Harvestfest or when they come into Willowcreek to see us. Zoe lives in Windenburg now and we see her slightly more than those in the city, but our schedules rarely line up until it's time to see each other at Harvestfest. Seeing Macie is always a highlight for me, she's closest in age to me and so we support and encourage each other as much as we can.

The kids say this was "the best summer ever", which makes this mama's heart glad. Zayden and Mia have been chatting to their parents over the course of this week, and Eliza told me that both kids told her that they want to do this every summer! Zayden loved playing with my boys, as well as getting to know the boys' cousins and the other kids that come to camp, whilst Mia got to know a bunch of my nieces as well as the other girls that they were enrolled with. At the lake they were able to focus on just playing in and out of the lake all day, afterwards we had a nice big bonfire and bible story session with the kids where they were able to grill hotdogs and make s'mores by the fire.

It's so great seeing the nieces and nephews that come to camp, the kids grow so fast that when we all see each other at Harvestfest it seems like years have passed. Rose was so attached to little Titus, and Caleb also decided to attach himself to his cousin Rose. Kyleigh mentioned that they were starting to have trial buddy groups now that the kids are becoming older, so for the entirety of camp they trialled buddy groups for the kids, so Olivia was Rose's buddy for all of camp. Marigold is 4 so now it's possible that Rose could be given a younger buddy considering she's 8 years old, soon to turn 9 next year. It's so great seeing Chloe, all the young kids there gravitated to her throughout the whole week, especially Zoe's little JJ. Her buddy for camp was Preston, but because he's the baby of the family she has more work than Rose. Obviously while the girls are at their courses then the kids are with Barrett and Kyleigh during the day, Macie, Annette, and Ashton volunteer to teach courses for children and young ladies while at camp, so they're very busy during the day and we see them at mealtimes.

I love seeing my dad with his grandchildren, it's such a blessing to see the heritage that my grandfather started being continued for a fourth generation. All the grandkids love their grandpa Collins, over the course of the week he and my mum have had various speaking engagements with at different. While they were busy, they always made time to be with family, especially the kids and grandkids that they don't see as often. With so many grandkids in the fam, it's always a priority for us that we get the kids to meet each other and socialise with their cousins since family is of the utmost importance. I myself love to see my cousins whenever we manage to get together at camp, not everyone could make it this year but all in all it was a wonderful week. As we close out the summer there's loads of different events leading up to Harvestfest, it's a time to be busy but still rejoice in the Lord while doing so.

[thatfanficstuff]

Impossible - 19

Pairing: Eric Northman x Reader

Warnings: canon typical

A/N: I'm lazy so a gif instead of a header and no editing. Course I'm lazy cuz I'm writing a bunch of stuff behind the scenes, so...

***

“How long has it been since you fed?” Eric asked Godric.

“I require very little blood anymore,” he responded, looking rather annoyed. “You sent a human to rescue me?”

Eric wrapped an arm around your waist and pulled you into his side. “I had little choice. These savages mean to destroy you.”

“I know what they had planned.” Again, that little voice spoke up in the back of your brain that they couldn’t have taken Godric and held him without him allowing it.

“You should eat,” you told him and nudged Gabe’s leg with your foot.

He simply looked at you with a bored expression. “He would have raped your mate and the human,” he said without even turning to Eric.

A second later, Eric broke Gabe’s neck then proceeded to glare at the body in fury. Suddenly, an annoying alarm and a flashing blue light caused you to jump as it startled you. “Shit.”

“Get them out of here,” Godric demanded of his progeny.

“I’m not going anywhere until—”

“Now. I can take care of myself. Spill no blood on your way out.”

“Why do you always have to ruin all my fun?” you pouted. You managed to catch his smirk before Eric herded you and Sookie toward the stairs. When you reached the top, you and Eric peered around the doorframe while Sookie hung back. Several men were rushing around mostly armed with stakes. “Where the fuck did they all come from? They’re like cockroaches.”

Eric huffed a laugh. “I could have us out in seconds.”

“Not without killing someone you can’t. You heard Godric.”

He growled low in his throat. “Stay here.”

“What’s he doing?” Sookie asked as she came out to stand with you.

You shrugged. “Hell if I know.”

He slumped forward trying to make himself look more human, less intimidating. You snorted. Like that was even possible. “Um…excuse me, sirs, but uh, Steve sent me over to uh man the exit here so I’ve got it from here.”

What even was that accent? You laughed again knowing Eric would hear though the humans would not.

“By yourself? I mean, you’re big and all but there’s a vampire running around,” one of them said, looking uncertain. “Where’s your stake?”

“Oh, golly. I knew I forgot something. Could I, uh, borrow yours?” Eric asked. You prepared to sprint to his aid at the first sign of trouble.

“I don’t think so, man. Get your own.”

As Eric prepared to glamour the man into handing over his weapon, one of the others moved around him. It was obvious he didn’t trust a word coming from Eric’s mouth. “Stake!” you yelled as you moved from the doorway.

Eric turned too quick for your eye to follow and knocked away the man trying to kill him. He did the same to one of the others, while you shoved the third into the wall with a hand on his chest. His friends ran off when you did so. So brave. Eric snatched the stake from his hand and tossed it aside. He cracked open the front door to see a mass of men headed in your direction.

“Those arrows are wood, you’ll never make it through,” the man you had pinned said.

“The sanctuary,” Sookie said.

Eric glanced to you and you shrugged. You had no idea if you could get out that way or not. You were guessing not but you sure as hell weren’t getting out the front. The three of you moved into the sanctuary, your hand firmly ensnared in Eric’s. “Where’s the exit?” he asked.

“Back there,” Sookie said, hurrying a bit so she could show you the way.

Then Steve Newlin appeared with a smug smile. “There are several exits, but the easiest one takes you straight to hell.” As if he’d coordinated it, the door behind you opened at that exact moment to admit some of his ‘holy’ army.

“Fuck,” you spat.

“You’re in God’s house,” one of the men in the group behind you said.

“Whatever you got to tell yourself, buddy,” came your easy reply. God had nothing to do with what they had planned.

“Let us go,” Sookie cried. “Save yourselves.”

You glanced at her. You had a lot of faith in Eric and yourself, but you were surrounded by about thirty men at the moment. There were limits. And you had no idea if Godric would help at this point. “She’s right, you know. You really should let us go.”

“The war has begun you evil whore of Satan,” Newlin said, stretching his arms out. “And the vampires started it by killing my father.”

This guy was such an asshole. “I’m going to have to stop you right there, reverend. I’m the evil whore of Eric, not Satan. Just thought I should clarify.”

“Really?” Eric muttered beside you.

You shrugged. You might as well go out laughing.

“Well then, you won’t mind dying beside him,” Steve snapped, that creepy smile still in place. You didn’t bother to tell him you didn’t intend to go out any other way.

“The vampire you were holding got away,” Sookie said in an effort to save you. “He’ll send help.”

Steve shook his head. “I don’t care about Godric. Any vampire will do and we have one right here.”

Eric tried to release your hand, but you were stronger than you looked and kept hold of him as he stepped forward. He looked up at your captor.

“We will have a holy bonfire at dawn,” he announced.

Eric turned his attention to you as you gripped his hand harder. He reached down and pried your hand from his. “I will be fine.”

You clenched your teeth as he stepped forward, every instinct you possessed telling you not to let him go. You hated this, but the only way you could escape was to wait for the right moment and this wasn’t it. So, you let him go.

You stood your ground while he laid on the altar and allowed them to lay silver chains across him pinning him down as you kept from crying out at the echoing pain in your own body. You ignored Sookie while she yelled at you and asked why you weren’t doing anything. You swallowed your protests when Eric offered himself in exchange for you, Sookie, and Godric. And you ignored Newlin announcing you would be tied to the stake to burn with Eric because you were a traitor to the human race.

Then your salvation came in the unlikely form of Jason Stackhouse and a paintball gun. Just the distraction you needed. He shot Steve in the head, a green splatter coloring his pale skin. His ‘solidiers’ fell back, confused. They apparently couldn’t function without Newlin telling them precisely what to do. “I’m not human, asshole,” you said as you hurried past him to take the chains off Eric.

Eric grabbed Steve by the throat and slammed him into the floor. Sookie was yelling, telling him not to kill the reverend while Jason was telling him to do it. Your gaze found the male Stackhouse to find him being held by several men. What the hell was he even doing here? You really missed your gun.

Then Steve himself starting in, encouraging Eric to kill him and make him a martyr. You rolled your eyes and kicked him in the temple to knock his ass out. Eric released him and stood. Before either of you could say anything to the crowd around you, you heard the distinct sound of vampires moving. You exchanged a glance with your mate as you reached out and pulled Sookie into your side.

The sanctuary doors flung open to reveal Stan fucking Baker flanked by several vampires who quickly moved into position around the room. “Steve Newlin, you have pushed us too far,” he announced.

He was such a fucking drama king. “He can’t hear you, jackass. I knocked his ass out.”

“Be that as it may, we’re not going to sit around while he plans to kill us. We’ll kill them first. Just like we killed his father,” Stan said, shifting his weight like he was in an old Western prepping for a gunfight. He dressed like it, too. “Kill them all,” he ordered.

The vampires swarmed forward to select their victims. Just before you could take control on behalf of the Authority, a voice rang through the room. “Enough.” Everyone stopped and looked up to see Godric standing on the wall of the balcony above you. You could almost see the irritation and disappointment rolling off Stan.

Steve stirred beside you and pushed himself up on his elbows. Godric looked down at him. “Reverend Newlin, we do not have to be at odds. I will make the first move by promising there will be no violence against you and yours. Will you join me and make the same promise?”

“I will not make deals with sub-humans,” he announced as he got to his knees. He looked up at Eric. “Kill me. Do it. Jesus will protect me.”

“Shut up or I’ll kill you,” you told him. “Then you won’t be a martyr. You’ll just be an asshole that pissed off the wrong person.”

Eric chuckled then you both turned as Godric flashed between you and picked the reverend up by the back of his neck. “Good people, who of you is willing to die for this madman’s ideals?” No one stepped forward. “That’s what I thought.” He released Steve and let him fall to the floor. “There will be no bloodshed here. Go home.”

Once the humans dispersed, Godric stepped forward and glanced at the vampires. “Come.” Stan stepped forward trying to push his agenda and Godric just stared at him. “I said come.”

Jason ran over to hug Sookie while Eric turned you to look you over. “Are you okay?”

You nodded and held up your wrist. “Better than you. Drink.”

He didn’t even bother to protest and accepted your offering to heal him from the silver. The Reverend Newlin was still crumpled on the floor beside you crying for everyone to come back and not leave him. Idiot. You glanced from him to Jason. “Jason, thank you for the rescue, but the Fellowship of the Sun are not good company to keep.”

“Yeah, I know. I see that now. I promise.”

You studied him for a minute before giving him a nod. “Let’s get the hell out of here,” you said as you grabbed your mate’s hand to drag him out the door.

[konohagakureship]

Hidan and Kakuzu d&d au! Two more members of the Akatsuki Fellowship!! They are travelling around Khorvaire, in the world of Eberron!

au! Akatsuki D&D

Headcanons:

All the info related to places and clans is from the canonic lore of Eberron, or from interpretations that I’ve found here and there, and also a bit of my own homebrew lore. I’m gathering all the info and sources in my WorldAnvil page so you can check it out if you want :)

And this is the map with notes so you can pin all the locations.

This time I chose to put only the info relevant to the characters to make the post shorter. But still, this will be a LONG post so be prepared xD

Founding of the Akatsuki Fellowship

All the members of the party met in Sharn, the biggest city of the continent of Khorvaire. They were there for different reasons but ended up travelling together across the world.

Hidan the bloody warlock

Hidan was born in the warrior nation of Karrnath in the city of Atur, where the living and dead coexist in a daily basis.

His parents were members of the Blood of Vol cult, and actively participated in the life of the Crimson Monastery, the largest worship site dedicated to Vol in the entire continent. 

From a young age, his parents instructed him in the faith of the Divinity Within and encouraged him to follow their path and become a Seeker of the Blood of Vol.

The Blood of Vol is a religion centered on the belief of Divinity Within, which means that they do not revere any deity but the blood that courses through their own veins. The followers of the Blood of Vol are called Seekers, and many of them are necromancers employed by the government of Karrnath to control their undead soldiers. 

Seekers believe that death is a curse prevent mortals from achieving divinity, so by breaking the curse of mortality, humanity will be able to live a plenty existence. Necromancy is an attempt to fight the curse of mortality and prevent the loss of the knowledge and skills obtained by past generations. 

Contrary to the popular belief, Seekers cherish life and do not want to become undead. Those who become undead are considered to be martyrs who have given up their own chance at divinity to help others, since they will become tools for the living.

The Blood of Vol cult is ruled from Atur by The Crimson Covenant.

At the age of twelve, Hidan showed signs of possessing magical abilities, which catched the interest of the Cult and welcomed him into the Crimson Monastery to train his powers in favor of their religion and ulterior plans.

Hidan had always been an avid follower of his faith, but soon after joining the Monastery he started to interpret it in his own terms.

His warlock status made him believe that his blood carried the divine will, and that his mission was to actively fight for the Divinity Within by converting all the misguided mortals to The Blood of Vol, or sending them to their deceiving gods to see for themselves how misguided they were. 

The years passed and Hidan only grew more powerful and reckless, learning and crafting unique invocations to unleash his magic at its fullest potential.

His ever growing power mixed with his free interpretation of the beliefs of The Blood of Vol, marked him as an individual too independent and powerful to escalate in the ranks of the Cult.

In an attempt to channel his energy and give him a purpose, The Covenant prompted him to join the Order of the Emerald Claw, the paramilitary arm of the Blood of Vol, and sent him to Rekkenmark.

The Order of the Emerald Claw is an outlawed organization of Karrn patriots and Blood of Vol worshippers spread throughout Khorvaire. They continue to operate in a semi-terrorist fashion to this day, proclaiming their desire to see Karrnath once again rise to power.

Their connection to the Cult is only known by highest ranking members of the Order.

Hidan was sent to Rekkenmark, in the border with Thrane. His cell had the undercover mission to hunt down any paladin of the Church of the Silver Flame that entered Karrnath with the intention of killing Vol’s vampires and undeads.

The Blood of Vol is a forbidden religion in some regions of the continent due to the evil connotations associated with their practices, and many groups such as the Church of the Silver Flame actively works to destroy them.

His days as an Emerald Claw Knight were short, though.

At the beginning, Hidan thought that the Order was his rightful place, that surrounded by powerful patriots he will be able to bring the divine will to all the mortals and spread his faith to the edge of the world.

However, he soon started to feel disenchanted with how the Order handled their business and how little they cared about his divine will. He realised that like in the Monastery, the Order also lacked of determination, and so he began to make their creed his and reform it by his own standards.

The time passed and Hidan grew more reckless and discarded his superior’s orders more frequently, which caused friction within his cell. 

By recommendation of The Covenant, when the situation became unsustainable, The Emerald Claw “prompted” him to take his own path and fight for the Order by himself in his own terms, far away from Rekkenmark.

Instead of going back to Atur, Hidan decided to travel the world, free from any restraints, finding misguided mortals to convert to the Blood of Vol and killing all those who didn’t want to achieve immortality.

Unsurprisingly for everyone but himself, his homicidal activities granted him the status of “kill in sight” in many cities, and soon the bounty for his head was high enough to buy a villa in the upper levels of Sharn.

So Hidan, a powerful warlock and Seeker, spent the following years running away from the law and inquisitors of every city he stepped on. He never bothered to hide his presence anyway...

After a near death experience with a Flame paladin in Sigilstar, he traveled to Sharn, where he knew he could hide from prying eyes and find refuge in one of the Order’s liars. 

However, The Emerald Claw rejected to host him as he attracted too much attention, forcing him to hide in the lowest levels of the city, where he was told that there was a unofficially Vol-friendly tavern run by elves.

Little did he know, that in the Callestan district lived one of the most renowned bounty hunters of Sharn, who was currently drinking a pint in the same tavern he choose to spend the night in.

Kakuzu the bounty hunter

Kakuzu was born in the port city of Zarash’ak, in The Shaodw Marshes.

His father was a human from House Vadalis (beast tamers), while his mother was a human with a quarter of orc blood from House Tharashk with the Mark of Finding (bounty hunters).

He was raised within the Tharashk House and learned how to bounty hunt from a young age. Even though his training was focused on the ways of his mother’s House, he enjoyed spending time with his father and help him train and sell his imported beasts from the Eldeen Reaches.

Kakuzu spent his childhood proudly working for House Tharashk, dreaming of becoming a renowned bounty hunter and awakening a powerful Mark of Finding. However, his dreams would sunk when at the age of seventeen he finally manifested his dragonmark. 

It was an aberrant dragonmark.

The dragonmarks are passed through bloodlines and when two members of different dragonmarked families reproduce it often results in aberrant dragonmarks. Originally aberrant marked were seen as outcasts and outsiders, often shunned by the houses and eked out a pitiful existence. Now they unite under their own House, House Tarkanan.

Kakuzu tried to hide his new mark, constantly covering his body as much as he could and not getting intimately close to anyone for fear of being discovered and casted aside. His mood soured in a couple of months, and he ostracised himself from his closest friends and family.

But after a couple of years it had grown up so much that it almost took his entire back, and inevitably the House found out about his condition and expelled him from the clan.

Abandoned by his people, he traveled to Sharn in an attempt to join the Aberrant Dragonmarked House Tarkanan.

House Tarkanan is a house only formed by aberrant markeds, from any race and clan. They are usually bounty hunters, mercenaries and accountants.

When House Tarkanan first established itself in Sharn, the halfling Boromar Clan attempted to assimilate them, but the offer was turned down. This resulted in the Boromars attempting to destroy the House. When this proved too difficult a deal was struck. Since the Boromar clan doesn't traffic in assassinations, it was agreed that so long as House Tarkanan doesn't take contracts against the Boromars, they would be permitted to stay in Sharn without paying a fee.

Despite being shunned away by his family and now working as a bounty hunter for a bunch of criminals, Kakuzu found his place in Sharn. He also worked as an accountant for the clan from time to time, a nice changes of winds from his usual, dirtier, business.

He made himself a name in Sharn, and over the years was granted the title of Baron, as a senior assassin of the Clan. Kakuzu was well known in the city, especially in the districts of Lower Dura. 

He established his residence in the lawless district of Callestan mainly because the rent was cheaper, but also because his best informants also maraud those streets, inns and ateliers.

Kakuzu is a baron of House Tarkanan, and his main income comes from the clan’s dealings. However, he takes freelance work if the pay is good enough, and he usually doubles his fees if the contract is from his former House.

House Tharashk, despite expelling Kakuzu many years ago, is often interested in hiring his services in the big city, since bounty hunters that are not from House Tarkanan or the Boromar Clan are not allowed to make business freely even after paying a bountiful fee.

House Tharashk has deals and a close relationship with House Thuranni. The elven house team with them whenever they need to find artifacts or people, in exchange for influences and intel. They are currently working together with the Emerald Claw in Stormreach (Xen’dirk), seeking ancient artifacts for Lady Vol. 

House Thuranni is involved in many dubious affairs and unofficially allied with many organisations, such as the Blood of Vol and the Emerald Claw. The Thuranni fought alongside Karrnath during the War, and they have an important presence in Atur with their True Shapers academy.

These unofficial affairs turn every Thuranni establishment into a safehouse for those allies who need refuge or a meeting point.

So Kakuzu visits The Shadowkeeper tavern whenever the Tharashk need something from him, to catch up with his informants, or just to drink a large pint.

...though cashing in a good bounty for a dumb Seeker, is also interesting.

-------------

We have 6 out of 8 members of the party!! yeyyy!!! now i need to finish the other two ;)

[stedefaest]

“And seated a little apart was a tall man with a fair and noble face, dark-haired and grey-eyed, proud and stern of glance . 

He was cloaked and booted as if for a journey on horseback, and indeed though his garments were rich, and his cloak was lined with fur, they were stained with long travel. On a baldric he wore a great horn tipped with silver that now was laid upon his knees. He gazed at Frodo and Bilbo with sudden wonder. 

‘Here,’ said Elrond, turning to Gandalf, ‘is Boromir, a man from the South. He arrived in the grey morning, and seeks counsel. I have bidden him to be present, for here his questions will be answered.’” — The Fellowship of the Ring p. 269

I love how it’s like. Oh. Boromir came here seeking HELP and Elrond is like lmao join this meeting and you put him in a position where he’s going to be exposed to the very thing that will spell his doom. Elrond is an elf, one who fought in the first war of the ring and would be able to tell that Boromir had a geis placed on him, which, while never actually confirmed in canon in books or movies, still has enough evidence to back it up. And with how everyone treats Boromir, he’s likely at least a name that people associate with heroism and strength. 

But here he is, and he’s being condemned to death by the subtle nature of magic within Tolkien's world. Because to be seen as something ( unfailing hero ), to have it always asked of him is just a bunch of primordial magic at work, and it still boils down to a geas that if Boromir succumbs to the temptation of the ring, thus breaking the condition of not failing. It should be noted that Denethor II, the caster of the geis, who can read minds like super long distance or something, said that he believed that Boromir would resist the ring. thus, Boromir failing to do so is breaking the geas and that means death. 

Anyway, the point being, Boromir wasn’t seeking to be part of a group to destroy the ring, he was likely asking for aid, much as that damaged his pride, but he’s one of four fucking survivors that jumped into the Anduin ( his brother and two others survived ) after fighting in Osgiliath, and he can’t do it alone, and instead of getting the help he came for, he was condemned to die and this makes me very, very sad thanks for coming to my tedtalk

[idjitlili]

They hate us cuz they anus

Eomer x reader

Summary: caring for merry the eve of battle as he misses pippin, he ends up asleep on your lap , but you are so tired that you cannot move him. This leads to certain person helping you.

Word count:2016

On the way to where you would set up tents for rest on the eve of battle of Pelennor Fields. Merry had been very upset about having to be separated from Pippin, so much so he was moping around. He sat on the horse , you behind him.

You had met Eomer when searching for merry and pippin , when you had crossed the lands of Rohan. It was rare to see a women , a young only aswell dressed in clothes commonly a man would wear,plus with weapons upon her. You had been wearing a large tunic , that went very low, it wasn’t yours it was your fathers, he wouldn’t have agreed for you to join the fellowship. Gandalf requested you too , so you did you stole your fathers armour and weapons and clothes. Your pants now into shorts as they weren’t lose like your shirt because they were in fact yours, you had cut them so you would be able to run easily.

Your fathers armour was lost because you couldn’t barely run with , you made sure to note to replace them when you got a chance. Yet your fathers sword still laid upon your belt. Your hair had been braided tightly back by legolas , he was very kind to offer, as he noticed you struggled with it in your face when fighting. You would’ve done it yourself but you really couldn’t be bothered. You faced laced with sweat , you pant slightly, this was the most running you had down this whole quest.

Eomer had eyed your group suspiciously, you were a shy girl around new people, it was different when talking to your friends. you had coward behind legolas and Aragorn. That was until , Eomer had began talking to you. “And why does a women accompany a group of men?” You spoke loudly to, you gulped up at the man, almost not knowing how to speak, he was indeed handsome. “Uh...I w-wish to save my friend m-my lord.” You voice shaky as you spoke , Eomer nodded at you , he understood you wasn’t much of a talker, he decided to leave you alone.

Yet he admired you for being a female , especially when it was frowned down on. He had gave you two horses, you had mounted behind Aragorn, looking back at Eomer he smiled at you which you returned with a small blush upon yo ur cheeks.

Yeah so now you sat upon a horse with merry, hopping off, then lifting merry off too. You went to put him down but he shook his head ,” can you carry me a while y/n?pleaseeeee.” He pleaded wrapping his arm around your neck. You held on your hip with one arm. “If I must .” You replied ruffing his hair with your other arm.

You were staying in a tent with eowyn and merry , yet the tents were still being set up, so you just walked around for a couple of hours with merry on your hip, that was until he was hungry. Yet he wouldn’t let go of you , so you grabbed some potatoes and sat next to Eomer on the log , with a knife and pot. You placed merry onto your lap, while you peeled the potatoes, and diced them placing them in the pot with water. Eomer watched you as merry hold the pot. After you had completed that you placed the pot on the fire, still holding merry. Merry was starving and didn’t forget to remind you everything two seconds, you tried to keep your cool, damn this must be what it feels like to be a mother.

“Is he always like that?” Eomer asked from next to you chuckling, merry let’s out a ‘OI.’ You rub merry s shoulder with your hand. “Not usually, you just miss pippin don’t you. I guess I’m his replacement.” You smirk at merry knowing jts absolutely true. “No, you are my mother.” You gasp at his answer , pulling the pot from the fire onto the ground, to cool.

“If I was I think you would be taller plus you are older than me.” Eomer laughs at you , merry just hugs tighter, “still my ma.” You giggle , now mashing the potatoes turning it into mash before giving it to merry. Who eats it like if they had a time limit of a minute otherwise they would disappear. “I’m not surprised he thinks you are, you carry him around for hours , feed him and now he’s falling asleep on you.” Eomer had whispered, Merry had eaten and now lay against your chest eyes fluttering closed

“You are very right.” You smiled up at Eomer, it was late , you sat next to Eomer for hours, briefly chatting, your eyes began to feel heavy. You began drifting off to sleep, that is until Eomer whispers your name , you slowly open your eyes at him “yes?” You spoke barely above a whisper.

“I think it’s time you get to bed.” You groan, knowing you have to walk. “But... the tent is so far away, and then I have to carry merry too.” You drag out , tiredly. “You are in the same tent as eowyn? You nod your head at Eomer eyes closed. Then you feel someone lifting you bridal style , with merry on your chest. “Whaaat” you reply , as the strong arms carry you to your tent with easy. “Sleep y/n.” Thats all it takes for you fall asleep.

Once you woke up in the morning, Merry was cuddled into your side , in your bedroll with you. Eomer must have carried you to your bed, eowyn probably teased her brother, for doing so. It was unusual for Eomer to behave this way, he always act tough infront of everyone but he was just a softie and he showed that to you last night. He was only like that around 1his sister , he was indeed a kind man. I

The next time you talked to Eomer , was after the ring was destroyed and at Aragorns ball in celebration of him claiming his right to the throne of Gondor. You wore a dress that Eowyn had forced you too, it was a navy blue dress like the tunic you wore when you first met Eomer. It was only a simple dress, you really would have preferred to be at home eating potatoes or something. But instead you would stood at the side away from the dance floor near the food.

Now merry and pippin were reunited , merry had told pippin all about his time with you and you being his human mother. Now pippin insisted that you were his mother too, forcing you carry both of them, on your hips, Frodo and Sam laughed at you as the hobbits swung about on you Eating some sort of cake.

You stayed like this for a while trying to get the hobbits to behave, then Eomer had approached you with a huge smile admiring your kindness. Your h/c hair that is loose fell upon your face due to the movements of the hobbit. Eomer stood infront of you , the hobbits looking at him in confusion, you looked past your hair at Eomer smiling.

“Merry , pippin could I speak to your mother please?” He had asked politely, you blushed at his words , giggling at the hobbits that looked at Eomer in disgust. “You hurt our ma , you become a kebab king.” Merry growled and pippin hissed at him. “That’s enough , go annoy legolas hm?” With that you leant down placing them on the floor and then they ran for legolas nearly knocking a bunch of people over.

You stand up , looking at Eomer , pushing your hair from your face. “What did you need to ask me ,king of Rohan?” Your voice is quiet , as you fiddle with your hands. “Just Eomer ,no need for formalities, miss y/n. I was wondering if you would talk a walk with me?” His face turnt slightly red ,with nervousness.

“Just y/n then Eomer, and yes I will.” You smile at him, as he offers you his arm which you take as he walks you to the gardens. He was dressed in navy too Damn, Eowyn must have done that on purpose. It was no surprise, when ever he would walk near you in that bar which legolas and Gimil has that drinking contest, your face would flash red. Eomer smiled at you , once you had reached a the gardens that were covered in sunflowers,the music barely audible.

He had brought you to a stop, his hands grasping yours, before he spoke “would you dance with me? I didn’t want to ask you to dance in there, as I couldn’t help but notice you get very nervous infront of large crowds.” His voice full of kindness , he was a very respectable man, and indeed handsome. You face blushed, you nod your head eagerly,”but I do not know how..” you look at your feet , that wore navy slippers. His hand let go of your hand to pull your chin up slowly “it doesn’t matter, we can just sway.” You send him a hopeful smile, wrapping your arms around his neck as his come around your waist.

He guides you to sway with him, looking you in the eyes smiling. “Thanks for saving me from the hobbits , I was sure my back was going to give in.” He chuckles at you ,” you are very welcome, anything for you.” You blushed at his words. “...uh like why can’t they pretend Gandalf is their mother and swing off him like he’s a tree. “

“If they did I’m pretty sure he would’ve turned them into frogs.” You giggle at him , “yeah then they would came after me , ‘oooh kiss me’ no thank you.” You bury your head into his chest laughing hard he just holds you still swaying, laughing with you.

After a few minutes you calm down and Eomer breaks the comfortable silence, when you look back into his eyes.” I’m guessing you don’t like being kissed?” You face turned beet red “uh..it’s just I wouldn’t want to kiss a frog, plus I-I’ve never been kissed before.” You look away from him embarrassed. “Oh..why not you are so beautiful.” He questioned, causing you to blush even more than before.

“B-because no one ever wanted too..” he cups your cheeks so you can’t turn away from you “well I know that’s not true at least one person does.”

“W-who?” Your eyes search his eyes for answers , before he whispers “may I kiss you?” You nod your head nervously , he leans forward down slightly to meet your lips with his soft ones. You can taste the wine on his lips before he pulls away. You hug him tightly “thank you.” You mutter into his shoulder, which he pulls you right to him. “ may I court you y/n” he whispers into you hair , “yes” not even a second later , pippin and merry are dragging you by the hands.

“No no , stay away from our ma, we are her children she doesn’t need more.” Merry shouted at Eomer.

“ I almost die but I survive only for you to try steal our ma.” Pippin growls.

“Hey hey, my sons Eomer will carry you on his shoulders how about that?” The hobbits eyes light up, Eomer looks at you in surprise, you gesture him let them up. He kneels , sitting there hobbits on his shoulders, they hold on to each other, whilst you grab Eomer a hand, as you walk into the hall again, only to get a bunch of eyes on the three of you, eowyn laughs along side faramir.

“They hate is cuz they anus.” You spoke in a low pitch voice , nudging Eomer.

“ maybe it’s time we take our children home?”

[hms-chill]

I recommended Red White and Royal Blue on a book recommendations group chat and this dude who's way older than me just completely scolded me for it. I understand that there are people who find the book problematic, but like I really loved it as a book and thought it was great. And I understand the need for Ownvoices stories (cuz that was one of the main problems he had) and I love own voices stories, but do we really have to snap at people who like something else? Sorry I needed to say that.

Ugh, that’s so annoying! No book is ever going to be perfect because no author is ever going to be perfect, and to jump down someone’s throat because they recommended a book you don’t like is incredibly rude.

In terms of ownvoices work, I agree that it’s important to consider, but I think it’s something that works better to uplift writers than as a weapon against them.  As a white person I can’t speak for poc representation, but in terms of queer rep, Simon vs. the Homo Sapien Agenda or Leah on the Offbeat didn’t get any gayer when Becky Albertalli was forced to come out. River of Teeth is undeniably gay despite the fact that Sarah Gailey thought they were cis when they wrote it. I know that if an allo person wanted to write something about an ace character and did so respectfully, I would eat that shit up.

I think in a way that fear/ the weaponization of “ownvoices” comes from the idea that like... only a finite number of voices can ever be heard, which isn’t the case. Yes, there are a limited number of publishers/editors/agents, etc, but one book being published doesn’t necessarily mean that another one won’t be. To go back to being ace (because that’s my least represented identity), Tash Hearts Tolstoy is by a demi author but stars an ace lead. Given that being ace is a spectrum and demi is on it, that’s sort of up to interpretation if it’s ownvoices or not, but she’s talked about doing a ton of research on being ace.

But ownvoices or not, Tash Hearts Tolstoy wasn’t the end of ace lit. Just this year we’ve gotten Loveless, Let’s Talk About Love, and I’m sure there are others I’ve missed. We had The Lady’s Guide to Petticoats and Piracy a couple years ago, and Vicious and Dread Nation and a bunch of other ones  to the point where we’re not losing our minds over one book anymore. Some are ownvoices, some aren’t.

In a more historic light because I studied English lit, Victor Hugo certainly doesn’t read as ace, but his work has ace-coded characters. At least to me, Hugo’s orientation doesn’t make Valjean or Enjolras any less ace-coded, just like it doesn’t make any of the students less queer-coded. Grantaire is gay as shit no matter what Hugo thought. Tolkien’s straightness doesn’t make Bilbo, Frodo, or Sam or any of the fellowship straight. As a reverse, Stoker’s queerness doesn’t make Jonathan Harker or Lucy’s Boyfriend (who might be named Andrew?) any gayer.

Like I said, I am absolutely not an expert on poc rep as I am very white, but I’m not sure if he’s upset about the mlm aspect of ownvoices or the racial one. Also sorry for the rant lol

[rotationalsymmetry]

Hello! I hope you’re doing well. I saw your post about UUs and I myself am one as well! I was wondering if maybe you could explain some of the issues there are in UU congregations so I can better understand what’s going on. I can’t change much, but I’d like to know what can be improved and how I can better use my privilege. Thank you :)

Hi there. Thanks for reaching out. I think. Oof. Are you sure you want to ask this? I don’t have a really straightforward “here’s precisely what Unitarian Universalism needs to do to improve (broken down into concrete, realistic steps!)” I have a whole tangle of feelings and personal biases and incredibly subjective experiences. OK? All right. With that disclaimer out of the way. Eh, actually, more disclaimer: all institutions have problems. There are things that Unitarian Universalism does better than most other religious institutions. There’s a reason I was going off about what I like about UU before what I dislike. This is not saying that Unitarian Universalism is bad. OK?

Putting in a cut because this is long:

Unitarian Universalism has an ongoing, well-known problem around being kind of fuzzy around what it is and what it wants to be. Do we draw on multiple faiths, and if so what does that look like in practice? Are we Christianity lite? Are we basically a bunch of secular humanists who like to get together and sing sometimes? How far exactly does (or should) our tolerance stretch?

Unitarian Universalism has a whiteness issue and a class issue. Now, I’m white, so the race part isn’t mainly coming from my own experience. There’s something I’ve seen that sums it up well, but I can’t find it right now. Basically: there’s a bit of a tendency for UU’s to nominally want to more diverse congregations, but when a new person of color shows up, sometimes they get treated kind of...weirdly. Like they’re not one of us and not going to be.

a bit more on UU and race here: x

And, class wise, I was raised middle class, but I’ve been broke for an awful lot of my adulthood and a lot of the people I know in my generation (Millenials) are broke/struggling financially. So when the lead minister of my congregation made some random comment about having trouble attracting young people because church and brunch with friends are competing for the same time slot. I thought of a young adult in the congregation who was active in the youth group but couldn’t make it to Sunday worship because he had to work on Sundays. And the time one of my coworkers got a promotion at my workplace, and definitely she was competent and I don’t begrudge her getting it, but also she ended up working an awful lot of Sundays and that was very likely a factor in her getting the promotion. And I’d been trying to avoid pledge drive Sunday for years because it always, every time, made me feel like I wasn’t really welcome if I couldn’t contribute much financially, even when I was contributing a great deal of my time. This is subjective and it could mostly be an issue with my then congregation. But I don’t think it is.

While Unitarian Universalism likes to think of itself as trans friendly, and it’s certainly much friendlier than some denominations, sometimes it drops the ball. Here’s an apology for an article about trans people that centered a cis person’s perspective and had some other issues: x

Anecdotally, subjectively, etc: this is an issue across the board. Unitarian Universalism’ self-image and what the organization actually is has a substantial gap. I attended a few workshops at GA this year, and: on the surface, great! So many workshops on such great anti-oppressive topics! But...when I actually went to the workshops, it was unsatisfying. It felt very introduction-ish. Maybe that was on purpose. But...I was hoping for better. 

Super anecdotally: UU’s tend to forget that disabled people exist. UU’s tend to not support disabled people and parents of disabled children.

Back to the “are we Christianity Lite?” thing. I dropped out of seminary. One part of thatwas this: x  Another was that at the time (it’s apparently since changed) the MFC requirements (uh, this is getting a bit technical: congregations ordain ministers, but in practice fellowshipping is important as well, and that’s what the MFC does, basically it’s saying other UU ministers think you should be a UU minsiter) prioritized knowledge about Christianity and the Bible over knowledge of other religions, even though nominally Unitarian Universalism is not Christian and Christianity isn’t especially prioritized in our Six Sources. As someone who is not Christian and didn’t expect my future ministry to involve a lot of Bible talk and really didn’t think prioritizing knowledge of the Bible among our religious leaders was good for the denomination as a whole, this bothered me. A lot. (For what it’s worth, most Starr King classes were actually really good at not doing this.) (The classes that did, though, made me want to tear my hair out. And made me wonder if this denomination I was studying to be a minister in, was the same as the denomination I’d participated in as a lay person for years.)

This is hard to put into words. But: sometimes people will say they believe a thing, but their follow-through is bad. Or they say one thing but act another way -- not because they’re lying, but because what they believe on the surface hasn’t been fully internalized. This is, anecdotally etc, a really common issue in Unitarian Universalism.

More super anecdotal etc: UU’s need to break the habit of seeing RE as daycare, and worship services that involve kids as being about showing off the kids to the adults. I took a quick look at you and it says you’re 18, so if you grew up UU you probably have your own opinions on this. But...sometimes the adult congregation and the kids’/youth programs are entirely separate worlds, and that’s not healthy for congregations.

YMMV: I’m not a huge fan of approaches to worship that involve sitting passively for most of the service. If the worship is going to be the same whether you’re there or not, why bother showing up? (Obviously some congregations are more like this than others, and apparently some people like the “lecture and a concert” format?? I’m not one of them.)

Basically, I think UU’s need to work on connection more and mutual support of each other more. While I approve of the social justice focus of course, social justice starts at home. You need to support the people who are actually in your congregation. I moved a year and a half ago, and haven’t joined my local congregation. Why? Because my illness makes it almost impossible to go anywhere in the mornings, and while they livestreamed each worship service, before the pandemic (presumably it’s all zoom worship now), there was zero effort to actually include anyone watching the livestream. Not so much as a PDF of the order of service. No verbal acknowledgement that some people aren’t present in the room. Nothing. (Side note: I tried one worship service at a “normal” congregation after the pandemic started, and all the mourning of not being able to be together in person was extremely frustrating to me, since I hadn’t been able to attend in person worship before the pandemic either. No one was thinking of people like me, and it was really, really obvious. I’ve since joined Church of the Larger Fellowship.) You say you want to use your privilege. That’s great! Some thoughts.

Trans people: How’s your congregation on pronouns? If your congregation uses nametags, can you push to normalize people putting their pronouns on nametags? What’s the bathroom situation: is it clear that trans women (whether you currently have any trans women in your congregation or not) can use the women’s bathroom? Is there a unisex bathroom that non-binary people and binary people who don’t feel safe using “their” bathroom can use? Also: a lot of older people weren’t raised with this and never really caught up, (and tbf some young people are ignorant too) so there’s a need for some trans 101 education.

Disability: for zoom worship, is there closed captioning for people who have hearing impairments or language processing issues? For live worship, what’s being done to make sure deaf and hard of hearing people are included? What’s being done for blind people (eg, electronic copies of the order of service being available for people who are blind but have screen readers?) For people who just have a little trouble seeing, are there large-print orders of service? What about the agendas for committee meetings and so on? This doesn’t have a quick fix, but are there places in your congregation that can’t be reached in a wheelchair? What about the chancel? (ie that area that the minister and whoever else is leading worship is speaking from?) Is there a wheelchair-accessible entrance that’s open during worship but closed during other programming?

How’s ministry to people who are sick or injured or just too old to get out much? And: is that support available to newer or prospective members, or only people who contributed to the congregation first? How available is information on how to get that kind of support: is it a thing where only some people are in the know, or is there outreach?

Are there unspoken rules about who’s the “right kind” of person to be in the congregation and who isn’t?

Sexual harassment, abuse, etc: is there a clear way to report sexual harassment? Does everyone know what it is? Does the congregation have a policy for what happens if a congregant is accused of sexual abuse? If a minister is? What's the congregation’s child abuse prevention policy? Do the people who work/volunteer with kids know what to do if a child or teen reports abuse to them? Are they screened in any way?

What accommodations does RE make for special needs children? If a child needs one on one assistance, does the RE program force the parent to provide that assistance if the child is to be part of the program?

What’s the policy on support animals? (these days: what’s the policy on emotional support animals?) How are the needs of people with allergies or other issues with dogs etc, balanced with the needs of people who benefit from support animals? (This can be tricky, I’m not saying there’s a clear right/wrong here, but it’s something that can make a congregation inaccessible.)

I don’t know the details on this, but I know sensory issues can be a problem for some people, eg flickering overhead lights. Scents can be an issue for some people, one possible solution is to have part of the sanctuary marked scent-free, dunno how well that plays out in practice.)

Representation: who’s speaking up during worship, and what are they speaking about? Something to be aware of.

Us/Them language: especially relevant if you’re speaking to the congregation during worship, but important in casual coffee hour chat too: who’s “us” and who’s “them”? Do people in your congregation tend to talk about, say, people below the poverty line as “them”? Homeless people? Black people? Immigrants?

Finding ways of making small talk that aren’t “what do you do for a living?”

I haven’t said anything about racism yet; a lot of congregations have some sort of anti-racist discussion group or something? Those things are good; there’s only so much they do by themselves, but as part of a larger whole, they’re important. Also, presence at Black Lives Matter protests, putting up a Black Lives Matter banner or sign if your congregation hasn’t done that, stuff like that.

Oh, culture and music and stuff. What kind of music gets played. Congregations that have made a specific attempt to be multiracial often find it’s necessary to do a lot of hashing out of what the music is going to be like.

And there’s a representation aspect to who gets quoted.

Small Group Ministry/Covenant groups: my former congregation liked to ask what your demographic info is and then split things up for “diversity” purposes. This is actually a really bad idea. In a congregation that’s mostly white, it means that often the non-white people end up being the only non-white person in their groups. Great for white people who want to “experience diversity”, but not so great for actual poc. My congregation had enough queer people that it wasn’t one queer person per group, but I could see that maybe happening in other places. And I think it did tend to separate out trans people into separate groups.

Cultural appropriation/cultural misappropriation: uff. I think some people go off the deep end on this. But, some things to consider. If the congregation is doing something to celebrate a Jewish holiday, is it run by someone who is Jewish or is of Jewish heritage? Stuff like that. Sometimes Unitarian Universalists’ desire to be all multicultural and interfaith and stuff, leaves out important things like “is this part of the culture that it’s ok for outsiders to share?” and “are we actually in relationship with this group of people?” And “are we cherry picking messages from sacred texts that we like, and leaving out the stuff we don’t like, when it’s not our sacred text and we don’t have enough context to do that respectfully?” x for overview and in more detail x

Also RE: is this Native American story one that it’s actually OK for us to tell? I’m not necessarily suggesting you go over what other people are doing, but if you’re teaching RE yourself, you get a say in what you teach.

If you happen to be a UU pagan or there’s a CUUPS group at your congregation that you sometimes participate in, there’s kind of a ton of work about untangling cultural appropriation in specifically pagan spaces, honestly I don’t know where to start with that. Don’t put that on yourself if you’re not part of that kind of group though, focus on groups you are part of.

Land acknowledgements.

Oftentimes if someone brings up an issue that requires work to change it, especially a younger person, the people who get stuff done are going to be, “ok, that sounds like work, we’ve already got a ton on our plate so are you going to do it?” So, if you offer to do some of the work of running the congregation, you’ll be in a better place to implement these sorts of changes. (I know a lot of times older adults don’t want to trust young adults with responsibility, so it might take some time to earn trust.) But also some are things you can just do: like you can say your pronouns every time you introduce yourself or put your pronouns on disposable nametags, if you’re comfortable with it.

General advice: you don’t have to (and shouldn’t try to) change everything at once. Be aware of a lot of things and be willing to be a “follower” on a lot of things. Signing petitions, saying “yes, that sounds like a good idea,” stuff like that. Be a leader on a small, manageable number of things. Maybe see what other people in your congregation are already doing that seems like a step in the right direction, and see how you can support that. Some of what UU’s are already doing is already really good, and most likely there’s already people around you who want Unitarian Universalism to act in closer alignment with its ideals.

[hiirunakaarchive]

– to act in haste (2)

↳ in an alternate universe where mc landed the fellowship, but not in the way she wanted. (pt 1), (pt 3), (pt 4)

◇ pairing: ethan ramsey x mc (haruna sakurai)

◇ genre: angst, like totally angst. through and through. not a single sentence of redeeming fluff here im so sorry

◇ song rec: comme au premier jour – andré gagnon

◇ word count: 3.2k+ 

◇ tags: @aworldoffandoms​, @perriewinklenerdie​ (thank u so much for waiting)

◇ author’s note: hi all! it’s been a minute! the release of OH2 finally inspired me to continue the piece that i posted last april so after a week of writing and rewriting im finally satisfied enough to post the second part! (this series is literally my baby please dont let it flop). i decided that this story will be split into three parts so i strongly suggest reading pt1 linked above if you want to make any sense of this second part LOL. pls keep in mind that i wrote part one before OH1 finished so it’s not totally faithful to the original story and has my own little spin of drama and flair so like always, feedback is always appreciated!! ill shut up now, ENJOY!

prologue

Dr. Sakurai was his epitome of a dream. Temporary, fleeting bliss that left just as soon as it came.

The two months following their confrontation were painfully, excruciatingly silent. She avoided him like the plague and the circumstances failed to change during the nine weeks he spent in the Amazon. He departed with the intent of banishing her and whatever feelings that still lingered from his heart and mind, yet one look at her was all it took for his resolve to crack.

He still loved her.

arrival

The first night marking Dr. Ramsey’s arrival back in Boston, the view of the bustling city from his airplane window evoked a flurry of fond memories. He had missed the city more than he cared to admit, yet, he had come to hate it just the same.

As the plane landed and rolled against the tarmac, Ethan stared vacantly at the distant lights of the city and let his thoughts wander.

Has she been taking care of herself?

Is she still angry with me?

Does she look any different from when I last saw her?

He let out a huff of frustration and accepted the bitter truth. Two months of cowardice and deliberately running from the thought of her did nothing to ease the sting of reality amidst his return to America.

Leaning back against the headrest, he muttered. “I need a drink.”

The next two hours passed in a blur. The doctor disembarked the aircraft in a hurry and retrieved his luggage from the carousel just as quick. Amongst that and hopping into the first cab he could hail, Ethan was unsure whether his haste was just in desperation to get home and rest or to quench his thirst for the god damn drink that airplane liquor couldn’t satisfy. 

He stumbled into his apartment and let Jenner out of the carrier, the pet becoming nothing but an obscure whiz of fur as he zipped out of the cage to celebrate the comfort and familiarity of their home.

The kitchen was still pristine, though not without a bit of dust. Looming over the marble counters and to the dining table across the room, Ethan found himself reminiscing over the last meal he had here.  

“The fellowship. Why did I win?”

“Did you think it would make me happy?”

“Is that it, Ethan? Do you pity me?”

“Christ.” He cursed to himself, ripping open the cupboards.

A single bottle of red wine greeted him, still three quarters full and untouched since the last disastrous dinner he had with Dr. Sakurai. It seemed to splash delightfully against its bottle as the man rolled his eyes and filled the glass to the brim. Inhaling the aroma and swirling the liquid with a delicate motion of his wrist, he took a sip.

This tastes like shit.

Ethan poured the wine down the sink along with the remaining contents of the bottle, bidding goodbye to the last physical remnant of that tear-ridden night two months ago.

He still needed a damn drink though.

- 

The first step he took into Donahue’s was a hopeful one, and he cursed to himself in disappointment for knowing exactly what, or more specifically, who he was hoping to see.

He quickly scanned the booths and bar, failing in the search for that recognizable head of vibrant red and black. The only vibrance he was getting was from the familiar disco ball that loomed overhead, which made him squint in distaste. Taking a seat at the bar, a voice he could only recognize as Reggie’s called to him from behind the counter, his back to him.

“Welcome, I’ll be right with you.” He said, not bothering to turn around.

“I thought I told you to get rid of that god awful toy on the ceiling.”

Reggie’s head snapped up.

“Two months of disappearing off the face of the earth did nothing to fix that attitude of yours, Ramsey.” He smiled at his regular warmly before grabbing a bottle of scotch and pouring a glass.

Reggie slid it to him across the table.

“On me. Welcome back.”

Taking it gratefully, Ethan rose it to the bartender in a toast for his generosity.

“Thank you, Reg.” He said, stepping off the stool and making his way towards his favourite spot on the patio.

Midway through the exit, the doctor’s annoyance was already stirred by the booming voices and clinking of glass from an unknown group. They were counting down, and to what, exactly? He could not, for the life of him, be bothered.

And then he heard it.

“Midnight!”

Her voice.

“To kicking ass and running Edenbrook-“

Oh God, no.

“— as second-year residents!”

Ethan stopped fully in his tracks, and the eyes that solely wandered the deck in search of a free table landed on a picnic bench where five very familiar faces smiled and laughed.

Dr. Trinh, Dr. Greene, Dr. Lahela—

He exhaled in relief as he spotted Dr. Varma.

So they’ve gone back to being friends.

And smack in the middle, Dr. Sakurai.

Haruna Sakurai.

Fairy lights that illuminated the patio in protest to the evening were strung between poles and trees erected around the terrace. Yet amongst it all, Dr. Ramsey still found her to be shining the brightest. She still had that proper and dignified air about her, and the man was relieved to see that she had begun to smile again, albeit not as merrily as she used too. He could tell that in the several months they haven’t spoken to each other that she was no longer the same wide-eyed, inquisitive doctor she once was.

I solved the case!

I figured out a way to help some people who really deserve it. It’s a good feeling.

What it means to be a doctor? It means fighting the inevitable.

During Dr. Sakurai’s first year at Edenbrook, she had admitted to Dr. Ramsey that she regarded him as her reckoning. Perhaps that was what pushed her to try harder. 

“Yeah, you were definitely an asshole, but it was less you that I was scared of, and more ‘This asshole is my greatest inspiration and I can’t disappoint him’.” She rambled on their stroll back to the hospital from Derry Roasters.

He chuckled fondly as he continued to look straight ahead, the corners of his mouth curving up in a ghost of a smile.

“You could never disappoint me.”

She had learned and grown, and Dr. Ramsey was there to witness every budding moment of it. It was then that he realized that she was the one to be reckoned with.

A few tables from Edenbrook’s newest residents, he spotted the bar where he could enjoy his drink alone and in peace. He looked away from the joyous bunch and started towards the empty stools, but not without inevitably passing by the group first. Dr. Greene spotted him, his eyes lighting up in recognition and Ethan sighed in abandonment of any hope of getting to the other side of the beer garden unbothered.

“Speaking of the diagnostics team...” Elijah whispered audibly.

As the others in the group indulged in their gossip about Ethan’s heroic medical mission across the continent, Sakurai tensed visibly. He stopped in front of their table and for the first time in a very long time, she willed herself to look up and make her eyes meet his.

“Rookie...” Ethan greeted her coolly as he broke the silence.

Haruna’s jaw clenched and he questioned his audacity at still daring to call her by her nickname. Perhaps they were both thinking the same thing. How could they address each other– no, even look at each other, knowing that they were going to work together again? Above it all, how could Dr. Sakurai come to the hospital everyday; constantly, ceaselessly interacting with the living reminder that her position on the diagnostics team wasn’t even rightfully hers? 

They left things on a horrifically bitter and awkward note, and Haruna’s eyes darted between her friends across the table, begging to be bailed out.

Dr. Trinh shifted uncomfortably, Dr. Lahela took a flippant sip of his beer as he eyed Haruna protectively, and Dr. Varma glared at the attending with eyes ablaze. Dr. Greene seemed to be the only one unbothered by Ethan’s presence.

Haruna breathed in once before plastering on a fake smile.

“It’s good to have you back, Dr. Ramsey.” 

The fake sentiment wrenched at his chest, the gaze that once beamed at him with stars and everything bright now replaced with something hollow and resentful. He was careless enough to let the turmoil show on his face momentarily before collecting himself.

“Yeah... good to be back,” Was all he could muster.

Sensing the tension between himself and the five young doctors, Ethan nodded his head once before continuing to the main bar.

“Doctors. Enjoy your night.”

Sakurai’s eyes lingered on him as he walked away, and the holes he felt being burned into his back vanished once he took his very distant seat at the bar. Her friends continued on with their idle chitchat, and Ethan found himself listening intuitively. No amount of distance he placed between himself and that rambunctious group could keep him from overhearing bits and pieces of their conversation.

They cackled and toasted some more, and the strangers around them, be it alone or with company, indulged in their own private celebrations as well. Yet despite the boisterous nature of his surroundings, all he could hear was her.

“I’m a colossal pain in the ass! I don’t want to be responsible for another me!”

And he couldn’t help but laugh.

present

Since that fateful evening two weeks ago, Dr. Ramsey and Dr. Sakurai assumed their normal routine, save for the scowl she tried to hide every time she saw him. Despite the circumstances, he kept a close eye on her as she eased into her place on the diagnostics team, having succeeded in charming Baz with her amiable personality, and June as they made small talk in regards to their common cultural heritage. Sakurai remained quiet and unassuming during her first few days, but she had proven herself to be a quick learner.

“Female, thirty seven, Caucasian.” Ethan began as everyone took their seats.

He uncapped a black marker, scribbling across the board and throwing out answers before the other three had a chance to ask. This was their regular pace, which by now, Dr. Sakurai had grown accustomed to. She certainly looked less bewildered than she did her first day there. 

“Reason for admission was pain and numbness in the extremities. Former doctors thought it was...a stroke.” Ethan grimaced and Dr. Mirani snorted.

“What turned up in her bloodwork?” Dr. Hirata asked as she shook her head ruefully. “Did she have a urinalysis done?”

The three experienced doctors proceeded with their swift exchange of ideas, their discussion riddled with numerous ifs, buts, and whys. Dr. Sakurai listened intently and remained silent with her eyes glued to her notebook, almost so silent that Ethan almost questioned if she was even wholly present. 

“Negative for multiple sclerosis, but just before she was discharged presented with irritable bowel syndrome.” He continued.

“Could it be fibromyalgia then?” Dr. Sakurai finally suggested, looking up from paper ridden with chicken scratch notes scrawled in red pen.

Baz and June raised their eyebrows in delighted surprise. “Seconded,” and Ethan regarded his protege collectedly.

“I thought so as well. Excellent work, Dr. Sakurai.” To which she merely nodded in response.

Later that day, Ethan found himself strolling down the halls of Edenbrook in Dr. Baz Mirani’s company. He chatted endlessly, recalling the meeting from earlier that morning and shifted the topic of conversation to Dr. Sakurai. Ethan was never one to entertain idle gossip, but when it came to her, he couldn’t bring himself to not listen.

“Did you know that her red hair was a mistake?” Baz cackled.

“She told me that she accidentally booked her hair appointment two hours after her board and came in sleep deprived. Knocked out as she soon as she sat in that chair and woke up with Flaming Cheetos for a head!” The doctor brought a hand up to his chest to ease himself as he laughed. 

Ethan stayed silent as his colleague relayed her story. Of course he knew. He knew that she hated her red hair with every fibre of her being, but still complimented the stylist’s work and tipped her generously. He knew that as soon as she got home, she locked herself in her room and cried while trying to convince herself that her new look was symbolic of her “badass-ness.” He knew that she spent the next year using aloe vera in a desperate attempt to grow it out before applying for residency. How could he forget?

“You know, I wasn’t sure what to think of her at first, knowing the whole deal about how she got into the team and all.” Baz conceded and the guilt resurfaced, threatening to swallow Ethan whole.

“Baz, if you’re going to-”

“But she’s really good. Shows a lot of promise. I understand why you did what you did, but I’d be lying if I said I completely agreed with your poor execution.” He finished, shrugging indifferently.

“Ahem.” 

A woman’s voice behind them cleared her throat and Baz’s eyes widened in horror as he shot Ethan a quick glance, both men knowing just who exactly had requested their attention. They turned around, and Mirani greeted her with an almost suspicious grade of enthusiasm.

"Dr. Sakurai! You see, this- what I was saying to Eth- no, Dr. Ramsey is that-”

She smiled at him, unbothered.

“You forgot your pager again,” She teased, handing it to him gently before heading the other direction with not another word.

Ethan’s gaze followed her retreating form, pain stricken. He was almost jealous of Baz, even just for a moment. When was the last time Haruna had caught him in a moment of blundering and regarded him lovingly nonetheless? He failed to recall the last time that she flashed him the smile that no one else could bring to her face but him. The kind where the corners of her eyes crinkled and she had to bury her face in her hands because she was too embarrassed to show that face out in the open. It was one of the many things that made him fall in love with her, and continue to love her all the same.

He missed her. More than he could have ever imagined possible.

Dr. Mirani exhaled in relief as she left. “Well! That could have gone a lot worse than I- Dr. Ramsey?”

And, before he realized where his feet had begun to take him, he went after her. He couldn’t let things continue like this. He couldn’t stand it.

“Wait, Rookie-” 

The large strides that Ethan took to catch up to Dr. Sakurai in the empty hall were not many. Her steps were small but filled with purpose, and her heels that clacked mercilessly against the slate floor stopped abruptly. She turned to face him, and the second Haruna’s eyes met his, he was only reminded of the newfound hatred ulcerating at her very core. 

She raised an eyebrow. “Not a rookie anymore, Doctor.”

The lack of emotion in Dr. Sakurai’s voice as she addressed the man stung. He should be used to this. He should have foreseen this. But one year of knowing and loving her could never have prepared Ethan for her villainously petty demeanor finally directed at him. Two weeks since she said his name in a voice dripping with venom, and she hasn’t dared to utter it since.

Always, “Yes, Doctor,” or, “Noted, Doctor.” It was driving him insane.

“Dr. Ramsey.” He attempted, his tone dribbling with an impatience he didn’t realize had been brewing.

“Doctor.” She challenged.

He looked at her, a muscle in his jaw twitching in annoyance. She looked at him, arms crossed and adamant on winning whatever contest it was that they had engaged in. And they stayed like that, for several seconds until a group of interns passing by and regarding them with curiosity forced them to look away. Dr. Sakurai closed her eyes and exhaled once, gathering herself before maneuvering her way around the older doctor.

“Excuse me.” 

He watched her as she side-stepped him, about to continue her journey to her destination if he didn’t gently take her by the wrist and pull her into the medicine supply room. The very same one they hid in when they still kept Naveen a secret.

“W-What are you– Don’t fucking touch me.” Dr. Sakurai hissed once they had entered, jerking her hand from his grip.

“Are you going to be like this every time you see me?” Ethan pinched the bridge of his nose and looked up to the ceiling.  

“If we’re being honest? Yeah, yeah I am.”

“I meant it when I said I was sorry.”

“And I meant it when I said sorry wasn’t good enough.” 

“Look at yourself, Sakurai.” Ethan scoffed.

“Petty like a child. Did you think your official status as a resident would suffice in masking this juvenile drivel or should I just throw you back in with this year’s batch of interns?”

Haruna stared at him blankly, and just for a moment he felt his chest tighten. Her resentful gaze made him miss the way they once were, and he ached for her to look at him the way she used to, but Ethan’s lamenting was cut short as Sakurai’s mouth twitched. A failed attempt to contain herself before she burst into bitter laughter.

“You can do that, can’t you?” She asked disdainfully.

“Give one of them my position while you’re at it. The same way you gave it to me.”

He took a step toward her and she stayed put, refusing to be intimidated by the man that stood just over six inches taller. Then they were achingly close, the distance between them so small that her shoes were flush against his own. So small that Haruna couldn’t help but inhale the scent of musk and Italian cypress from his cologne. Ethan looked down at her angrily and the younger woman looked back up at him with a fire just as intense.

“You might hate the means of how you got here, Dr. Sakurai, but the deed is done. There’s nothing you can do to change it so I strongly suggest getting over your vendetta against me and doing what you’re supposed to do.”

“Yeah? And what might that be?” 

“Your damn job, for one!”

She finally stepped back, struck, and looked at him as if she was seeking clarification.

“My job? My job?!” She asked angrily, her voice raised in a crescendo.

Her jaw hung open as she stared at the floor in disbelief, scoffing as she processed Ethan’s last statement. The second seemed to last far too long before Haruna finally met his gaze. Her lip quivered as she shot him a look of pure, utter disgust.

“I took you for many things, but a hypocrite was never one of them.” She spat and Ethan felt his glare soften in realization.

You came here to fix things, and now look at what you’ve done.

“Rookie-” He began, his tone considerably weaker.

“Don’t. You don’t get to call me that. Not anymore. I’ll see you on the floor, Dr. Ramsey.” 

She left, and any hidden meanings to whatever relationship they had departed with her. He was no longer an Ethan Ramsey to her, and she was no longer a Haruna Sakurai to him.

She was just a resident. He was just her boss. And this unpalatable truth broke him.