#anyway! check the other two posts too bc their lore is connected in some characters and you may understand them better

[theygender]

I've got too many games I want to play and not enough free time 😭 I still need to finish my BG3 playthrough but since Endless Ocean: Luminous came out I've been playing a lot of that instead. Also just got back into Wizard101 last night. Started playing House Flipper again last weekend. Still need to finish BOTW so I can start a TOTK playthrough and finish Pokemon Shield so I can start on Pokemon Violet. I've been fighting off the urge to start up a new Skyrim playthrough for weeks. My brother just told me that Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door is getting ported to the Switch. And now I'm suddenly feeling inspired to replay DAI... And throughout all of this I'm also playing the hell out of DragonVale on my phone. Someone just pay me to play video games all day please

[konohagakureship]

Hidan and Kakuzu d&d au! Two more members of the Akatsuki Fellowship!! They are travelling around Khorvaire, in the world of Eberron!

au! Akatsuki D&D

Headcanons:

All the info related to places and clans is from the canonic lore of Eberron, or from interpretations that I’ve found here and there, and also a bit of my own homebrew lore. I’m gathering all the info and sources in my WorldAnvil page so you can check it out if you want :)

And this is the map with notes so you can pin all the locations.

This time I chose to put only the info relevant to the characters to make the post shorter. But still, this will be a LONG post so be prepared xD

Founding of the Akatsuki Fellowship

All the members of the party met in Sharn, the biggest city of the continent of Khorvaire. They were there for different reasons but ended up travelling together across the world.

Hidan the bloody warlock

Hidan was born in the warrior nation of Karrnath in the city of Atur, where the living and dead coexist in a daily basis.

His parents were members of the Blood of Vol cult, and actively participated in the life of the Crimson Monastery, the largest worship site dedicated to Vol in the entire continent. 

From a young age, his parents instructed him in the faith of the Divinity Within and encouraged him to follow their path and become a Seeker of the Blood of Vol.

The Blood of Vol is a religion centered on the belief of Divinity Within, which means that they do not revere any deity but the blood that courses through their own veins. The followers of the Blood of Vol are called Seekers, and many of them are necromancers employed by the government of Karrnath to control their undead soldiers. 

Seekers believe that death is a curse prevent mortals from achieving divinity, so by breaking the curse of mortality, humanity will be able to live a plenty existence. Necromancy is an attempt to fight the curse of mortality and prevent the loss of the knowledge and skills obtained by past generations. 

Contrary to the popular belief, Seekers cherish life and do not want to become undead. Those who become undead are considered to be martyrs who have given up their own chance at divinity to help others, since they will become tools for the living.

The Blood of Vol cult is ruled from Atur by The Crimson Covenant.

At the age of twelve, Hidan showed signs of possessing magical abilities, which catched the interest of the Cult and welcomed him into the Crimson Monastery to train his powers in favor of their religion and ulterior plans.

Hidan had always been an avid follower of his faith, but soon after joining the Monastery he started to interpret it in his own terms.

His warlock status made him believe that his blood carried the divine will, and that his mission was to actively fight for the Divinity Within by converting all the misguided mortals to The Blood of Vol, or sending them to their deceiving gods to see for themselves how misguided they were. 

The years passed and Hidan only grew more powerful and reckless, learning and crafting unique invocations to unleash his magic at its fullest potential.

His ever growing power mixed with his free interpretation of the beliefs of The Blood of Vol, marked him as an individual too independent and powerful to escalate in the ranks of the Cult.

In an attempt to channel his energy and give him a purpose, The Covenant prompted him to join the Order of the Emerald Claw, the paramilitary arm of the Blood of Vol, and sent him to Rekkenmark.

The Order of the Emerald Claw is an outlawed organization of Karrn patriots and Blood of Vol worshippers spread throughout Khorvaire. They continue to operate in a semi-terrorist fashion to this day, proclaiming their desire to see Karrnath once again rise to power.

Their connection to the Cult is only known by highest ranking members of the Order.

Hidan was sent to Rekkenmark, in the border with Thrane. His cell had the undercover mission to hunt down any paladin of the Church of the Silver Flame that entered Karrnath with the intention of killing Vol’s vampires and undeads.

The Blood of Vol is a forbidden religion in some regions of the continent due to the evil connotations associated with their practices, and many groups such as the Church of the Silver Flame actively works to destroy them.

His days as an Emerald Claw Knight were short, though.

At the beginning, Hidan thought that the Order was his rightful place, that surrounded by powerful patriots he will be able to bring the divine will to all the mortals and spread his faith to the edge of the world.

However, he soon started to feel disenchanted with how the Order handled their business and how little they cared about his divine will. He realised that like in the Monastery, the Order also lacked of determination, and so he began to make their creed his and reform it by his own standards.

The time passed and Hidan grew more reckless and discarded his superior’s orders more frequently, which caused friction within his cell. 

By recommendation of The Covenant, when the situation became unsustainable, The Emerald Claw “prompted” him to take his own path and fight for the Order by himself in his own terms, far away from Rekkenmark.

Instead of going back to Atur, Hidan decided to travel the world, free from any restraints, finding misguided mortals to convert to the Blood of Vol and killing all those who didn’t want to achieve immortality.

Unsurprisingly for everyone but himself, his homicidal activities granted him the status of “kill in sight” in many cities, and soon the bounty for his head was high enough to buy a villa in the upper levels of Sharn.

So Hidan, a powerful warlock and Seeker, spent the following years running away from the law and inquisitors of every city he stepped on. He never bothered to hide his presence anyway...

After a near death experience with a Flame paladin in Sigilstar, he traveled to Sharn, where he knew he could hide from prying eyes and find refuge in one of the Order’s liars. 

However, The Emerald Claw rejected to host him as he attracted too much attention, forcing him to hide in the lowest levels of the city, where he was told that there was a unofficially Vol-friendly tavern run by elves.

Little did he know, that in the Callestan district lived one of the most renowned bounty hunters of Sharn, who was currently drinking a pint in the same tavern he choose to spend the night in.

Kakuzu the bounty hunter

Kakuzu was born in the port city of Zarash’ak, in The Shaodw Marshes.

His father was a human from House Vadalis (beast tamers), while his mother was a human with a quarter of orc blood from House Tharashk with the Mark of Finding (bounty hunters).

He was raised within the Tharashk House and learned how to bounty hunt from a young age. Even though his training was focused on the ways of his mother’s House, he enjoyed spending time with his father and help him train and sell his imported beasts from the Eldeen Reaches.

Kakuzu spent his childhood proudly working for House Tharashk, dreaming of becoming a renowned bounty hunter and awakening a powerful Mark of Finding. However, his dreams would sunk when at the age of seventeen he finally manifested his dragonmark. 

It was an aberrant dragonmark.

The dragonmarks are passed through bloodlines and when two members of different dragonmarked families reproduce it often results in aberrant dragonmarks. Originally aberrant marked were seen as outcasts and outsiders, often shunned by the houses and eked out a pitiful existence. Now they unite under their own House, House Tarkanan.

Kakuzu tried to hide his new mark, constantly covering his body as much as he could and not getting intimately close to anyone for fear of being discovered and casted aside. His mood soured in a couple of months, and he ostracised himself from his closest friends and family.

But after a couple of years it had grown up so much that it almost took his entire back, and inevitably the House found out about his condition and expelled him from the clan.

Abandoned by his people, he traveled to Sharn in an attempt to join the Aberrant Dragonmarked House Tarkanan.

House Tarkanan is a house only formed by aberrant markeds, from any race and clan. They are usually bounty hunters, mercenaries and accountants.

When House Tarkanan first established itself in Sharn, the halfling Boromar Clan attempted to assimilate them, but the offer was turned down. This resulted in the Boromars attempting to destroy the House. When this proved too difficult a deal was struck. Since the Boromar clan doesn't traffic in assassinations, it was agreed that so long as House Tarkanan doesn't take contracts against the Boromars, they would be permitted to stay in Sharn without paying a fee.

Despite being shunned away by his family and now working as a bounty hunter for a bunch of criminals, Kakuzu found his place in Sharn. He also worked as an accountant for the clan from time to time, a nice changes of winds from his usual, dirtier, business.

He made himself a name in Sharn, and over the years was granted the title of Baron, as a senior assassin of the Clan. Kakuzu was well known in the city, especially in the districts of Lower Dura. 

He established his residence in the lawless district of Callestan mainly because the rent was cheaper, but also because his best informants also maraud those streets, inns and ateliers.

Kakuzu is a baron of House Tarkanan, and his main income comes from the clan’s dealings. However, he takes freelance work if the pay is good enough, and he usually doubles his fees if the contract is from his former House.

House Tharashk, despite expelling Kakuzu many years ago, is often interested in hiring his services in the big city, since bounty hunters that are not from House Tarkanan or the Boromar Clan are not allowed to make business freely even after paying a bountiful fee.

House Tharashk has deals and a close relationship with House Thuranni. The elven house team with them whenever they need to find artifacts or people, in exchange for influences and intel. They are currently working together with the Emerald Claw in Stormreach (Xen’dirk), seeking ancient artifacts for Lady Vol. 

House Thuranni is involved in many dubious affairs and unofficially allied with many organisations, such as the Blood of Vol and the Emerald Claw. The Thuranni fought alongside Karrnath during the War, and they have an important presence in Atur with their True Shapers academy.

These unofficial affairs turn every Thuranni establishment into a safehouse for those allies who need refuge or a meeting point.

So Kakuzu visits The Shadowkeeper tavern whenever the Tharashk need something from him, to catch up with his informants, or just to drink a large pint.

...though cashing in a good bounty for a dumb Seeker, is also interesting.

-------------

We have 6 out of 8 members of the party!! yeyyy!!! now i need to finish the other two ;)

[daaziscoolbesties]

[REPOST] MY 2K WORD COMMENTARY/ANALYSIS OF RANBOO’S LORE STREAM

‼️‼️This post contains lore spoilers from Ranboo’s 4/23 stream, “The Enderwalk Saga. Chapter 1: The Lessons”. If you haven’t seen that stream don’t read ahead unless you want spoilers‼️‼️

disclaimer: this isnt really an analysis as much as a bunch of commentary and half-baked theories.

-on the way to the mansion he was sort of talking to himself saying stuff like "i'm good i'm good" which m a y be a normal thing but also maybe it's not and it flew over our heads cause he talks to chats and donos like that so often

-again, this one may just be a normal thing but when he was climbing up the stairs in the mansion looking for foolish, he repeats some of his words like down to the exact same tone of voice and everything. 12:42,  "this mansion is way too big actually. this mansion is way too big actually." (why the repeated actually? seems odd to me but again it might just be a normal thing that i haven't picked up on). (right after) "okay okay lemme find him lemme find him" again repeated words in the e x a c t same tone.

-does everyone know about ranboo's silk touch hands ability thing? or was that just a techno and ranboo main character moment. bc if it was, how would foolish know that ranboo could pick up the full cake after it'd been partially eaten. unless everyone on the sever knows about that in which case this means nothing. but if they d o n t know... how would foolish know? ranboo wrote about it in the do not read book so maybe if it's not a publicly known thing maybe foolish got his hands on the book and read it??

-14:53-ish, they're talking about the war room and how it was for tubbo or whatever and ranboo says, and i quote "he prepares for lore but he's never gonna do it." now funny thing is at first i couldn't tell if he said "war" like in reference to the war room or "lore". but after playing the clip over and over i can say with ALMOST 100% certainty that he said lore. there is a definite L sound at the beginning of the word. which either means a) this was a slip up (doubtful bc he said later that there were no mistakes), b) he broke the fourth wall because they were supposed to be rping at that point, or c) i'm completely wrong and he said "war" which leads down an entire other road of possibilities

-15:17 "are you a book reader?" "*checks inventory for do not read book* uh yeah i'd say i'm a book reader-" dunno how i didn't catch this the first time I HATE THAT DAMN BOOK

-15:18 there's blue in his hotbar. where did he get the blue.

-16:40 "it's like a metaphor- i have two minds: i have my normal self, my normal little shift-dancing self, and then the builder one. the builder one is demanding. it's a very demanding mind." ranboo then lets out a weird sigh after this. i feel like what foolish was talking about was an indirect(?) parallel to ranboo in and out of enderwalk, there's how he normally is, trying to do best for others, and then there's enderwalk, meeting up with bad guys and "demanding" things (its very late as i write this i really don't know what i'm talking about)

-17:11 "you have your panic closet" i'm sorry his what now 😀 no but seriously how the hell did i miss some of these

-18:04 "you're asking me if i remember?" very funny ranboo thank you for making jokes in these trying times

-18:25 WHY DID HE GET OUT THE AXE WHEN STARING AT THE BEE

-19:38 why did foolish hold the grass block- most of these observations probably mean nothing but- h u h - is that- i'm too tired for this

-19:54 "i never properly thanked you for the deal you made with me" so foolish got something out of this deal, we're not sure if ranboo did. "the green cardboard box" again do you mean dream's house- but seriously the only people i can think of on the server that are associated with green are dream and sam. and i have no idea what cardboard box could be referring to.  foolish got a lime colored shulker from drista

-20:30 "we're supposed to only talk about it at a certain location" hmm now where would that be? panic room maybe? cause like usually after doing a big thing in the enderwalk state ranboo wakes up in the panic room so maybe?  the deal was that they only talk about it in his house

-21:52 how does ranboo receive(?) the lessons? like are they whispered to him in his mind or is he seeing them as words in front of him like we see? hmm

-"Lesson 14: If you have the opportunity to gain a favor, take it." "gain a favor" don't you usually ask people for favors though? how does one "gain a favor"? anyways i'm pretty sure lesson 14 has to do with the deal foolish was talking about. (the deal explained because i now have info: at some point a bit ago foolish met up with ranboo and asked to make a deal, he'd gotten a shulker box from drista. the deal was that ranboo would have ownership of the box, it would be under his name but foolish rents/borrows it indefinitely. ranboo negotiated that if he took ownership of the box he would get a "war favor"  from foolish where if something happens that creates sides, ranboo can ask him a favor that could change his side. but why would foolish want ranboo to have ownership of the shulker you may ask? well i have an answer for you. a theory actually but still. basically since drista technically isn't supposed to give out shit on the server if someone where to have that stuff then they may get in trouble. foolish wants to be able to use the shulker but if it gets found he doesn't want to get in trouble, so he can blame it on ranboo seeing as it's under his name.)

-22:16-ish "i still have this from when you *can't understand whats said here*" well i guess that sort of explains why he had the grass block? idk man (info update: he had the grass block from when ranboo threw it at him telling him to calm down like what ghostbur does with blue)

-31:35 "i figured out how to cause it" how to cause the enderwalk state

-38:30 "ninety three lessons" I STILL DONT KNOW WHY HE KEPT SAYING NINETY THREE AND NOT NINETY FOUR AND ITS DRIVING ME CRAZY LMAO

-39:01 "it's all for the greater good" okay well when are you gonna start thinking about yourself and not everyone else for once huh. self care bitch.

-40:31 he started holding the axe when he was looking at sam- gonna say it i really don't like that axe ahahah- WAIT A DAMN MINUTE THE AXE IS NAMED "axe of ender" I DONT LIKE THAT I DONT LIKE THAT AT ALL

-41:53 is there something?? physically keeping him from telling sam??? or maybe it's sort of like his enderwalk state taking control to make him shut the fuck up??? so many questions and approximately zero answers

-43:18 ranboo raising his voice legitimately scares me 😀👍

-"Lesson 27: Do not reminisce on what you have lost for it will weigh you down." showed up when he was thinking about and REMINISCING about the community house 👀👀

-"Lesson 53: Never fully trust anyone." showed up literally after he said that he thinks he can trust the other people on the server enough to tell them about what he did

-"Lesson 67: Leave no evidence of what you have helped with." this is different from the others because there doesn't seem to be at least a semi-direct connection to it? unless maybe at the time ranboo was near something he may have "helped with"? not sure about this one

-"Lesson 94: DO NOT LET THEM KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE DONE" yeah yeah i get it i get it he's fucked up some shit in enderwalk i don't feel like analyzing this thanks

-OH OH NOTICE HOW HE SAYS "REMEMBERING" WHEN THE LESSONS SHOW UP. IMPLYING THAT THIS ISNT A NEW THING, ITS HAPPENED BEFORE AND NOW HES REMEMBERING IT. MAYBE HE WROTE DOWN THE LESSONS WHEN HE WAS IN ENDERWALK AND NOW THAT HES BEEN EXPERIMENTING ITS BEEN EASIER FOR HIM TO REMEMBER THOSE ENDERWALK MEMORIES

-okokok the experiments are that he's been e x p e r i m e n t i n g on how to purposefully induce the enderwalk state. and we know now that it wasn't from the pain of the water because on the stream afterwords he said that it's caused by the intense fear of something happening. and so the "side effects" of the experiments is that since he's in enderwalk more often(?) he starts remembering more things from it

-OH MY GOD WAIT "there is a reason sam, there's so many reasons, theres ninety three of them" (44:47) WHAT IF EVERY LESSON IS TIED TO A QUOTE UNQUOTE "reason" THAT RANBOO THINKS HES A BAD PERSON/NEEDS TO BE LOCKED UP BUT HE SAYS NINETY THREE INSTEAD OF NINETY FOUR BECAUSE THE NINETY FOURTH LESSON DOESNT HAVE A REASON YET/HE DOESNT REMEMBER IT HAVING A REASON

-dude honestly the whole sam part hurts so much this man is scarily good at acting

-46:46 "i cant put you in the prison you wouldn't be able to see michael anymore" bestie that's the point he doesn't want to accidentally hurt michael or tubbo in the enderwalk state—

-okay but there's no way that sam couldn't tell that ranboo was at least TRYING to confess to something- i feel like he definitely knows more than he's letting on because usually like when people do bad shit or admit to doing bad shit he's like in Prison Guard Mode™️ (he literally cut off ponk's arm because he stole some keycards or something) and whatever and idk what he knows but he definitely knows something and is trying to protect ranboo. or he's trying to manipulate him or smth either one works—

-50:38 "you are a good person" "i am?" you can hear my heart shatter. "yes you are" "i don't think so sam" "i do, even if you don't" "i really don't think so" and there it goes again

-51:25 hello badboyhalo i see you to the left of ranboo

-52:44 "but then my curiosity got the best of me" curiosity killed the cat, bitch

-52:54 "there's ninety three, ninety four, ninety- theres so many reasons!" SEE!! NOT ONLY ARE THERE THAT MANY LESSONS THERE ARE REASONS THAT CORRESPOND IM S O SMART—

-52:56 "i don't want to remember anymore!" *quietly brings forth my theory that when ranboo loses a canon life his memory gets wiped*

-53:13 "ive opened pandora's box" isn't the prison?? literally called pandora's VAULT??? so this m a y be a stretch but i'm thinking that maybe this could be taken in the literal sense that he "opened" the prison and let dream out (the sirens at the end of quackity's stream confirm that dream is indeed out)

-53:42 mans just straight up walked through a ghost i—

-55:37 so are we just gonna ignore the eleventh page of the book? "he's alive, but hopefully soon dream won't be"??? alright nevermind it's most likely bc when tommy came back he recruited ranboo in his plan to kill dream

-55:47 notice how he writes "what am i?" as opposed to "who am i?" no elaboration here idk what it could be

-56:08 just so it's clear for anyone who doesn't know- he's wearing armor at this point, and i'm like 90% sure that when he wears his armor water can't hurt him. and i saw someone say somewhere that like with splash potions when thrown it turns into a gas-like thing? so again, it didn't hurt him, he didn't get hurt. he said in the chill stream that he wasn't comfortable making it where his character had to hurt himself to do that. the thing that causes the enderwalk isn't pain, it's intense and sudden emotions like fear and stress. thank you for coming to my tedtalk.

[2pbnha]

Hi.

As I’m sure anyone who remembers this blog can tell (since there haven’t been any new posts in uhh *checks watch* basically two years) this au is discontinued.

Sorry I never made a formal announcement about it before! Life gets in the way and all that. I’m not here to make any excuses, just to give anyone still here a long overdue formal farewell.

This blog is still going to be up for archival purposes, so don’t worry about it going poof anytime soon! As much as I would like to, I won’t be deleting this blog. Over the next few days (if I have the energy) I’ll be posting the drafts I’ve kept the whole time, and I’ll also release the plans/lore I had for the au. If anyone wants to take up the mantle, please feel free.

If you’re curious, here are my reasons for quitting:

Lack of ideas. Bnha is a show/manga with a HUGE cast, and knowing enough about every single character to make a version of them that’s opposite in personality but still connected enough to the original is hard. Trying to keep things along the lines of the original plot is also really hard! Especially considering I didn’t really keep up w the manga and thus didn’t know a lot of what’s to come, it made things really difficult :( It’s easy to lose touch w the storyline when you’re behind! Plus, I’ve never wanted to make this just a complete villain/hero au flip, which probably would’ve been the easy track given the theme of opposites OTL

Loss of interest. Unfortunately, I don’t control what I do or don’t fixate on ;u; Once my mind latched onto other things with no sign of coming back to bnha, I kinda knew it was over even when I didn’t want to admit it :’) I also really don’t like the direction bnha is going in at the moment, so even the source material has lost me 😔 I highly doubt I’ll be coming back to this fandom in full :(

This au no longer brings me joy. Ultimately, all things done in spare time should be done w the intent of having fun! At some point, I lost the spark I had for this blog, partially bc I got too busy for it but mostly bc...it didn’t make me happy anymore. I got a lot of “will this be continued?” comments on the fic for this au pretty early on too, so I felt more and more pressure whenever someone else joined the bandwagon to ask and I hadn’t finished the next chapter yet. This combined w the fact that I feel the need to put on a cheery, showhost-esque front for all my posts made it really hard to enjoy what I was doing. Granted, I didn’t have to, but I pressured myself into it anyway. Even now, I’m more formal and restrained than I want to be. This post, like all the others I’ve ever made on this blog, will probably be meticulously checked over and over for errors or appropriateness in tone before being published. It’s pretty easy to see why the way I run this blog leads to quick burnout. Personally, I don’t think there’s really a point to managing something that constantly stresses me out ;u;

Lack of engagement. Admittedly, this is partially my fault! I waited and kept future au update ideas hidden/unclear with the intent to build suspense and keep you all guessing before I finally revealed them...but almost no one ever stepped forward to guess? I tried to put as many hints as possible in important lore related posts and even made several attempts to encourage asks about said posts, making a list w all of them and a tag for them, but I only ever received a handful of speculation asks. It was...really discouraging! I didn’t know if my posts were appealing to people. I couldn’t reveal things I wanted to bc I had no idea if anyone had caught on yet. I hoped for a cheeky back and forth between me and the audience, but it was more like speaking to an empty auditorium! I’m not blaming anyone ofc, but it was definitely a factor.

Overall, I just didn’t want to anymore, and I think that’s reason enough ;u;

I hope this answers any questions you may have had! May this blog and au go in peace, and I hope anyone reading this has a wonderful day.

[icharchivist]

kay now i’m just huh bc of that post i reblogged so i’ll just add my two cents on d/a di/scourses and why i want nowhere near in it and feel free to ignore and even more to unfollow if it’s somewhat bad or anything but like,

(also please d/o/n’t re/b/log)

d/a di/scourse ultimately really fucks me up because 1) there’s a lot of it, especially in jokes that strench from far far away, I end up checking every blogs i reblog from bc i don’t want that near me 2) All side tends to have characters they like and dislike and be noisy about it and it’s very hard when down to it you just really love all the characters even when you don’t agree with them bc they’re fictional and i’m interested in the emotional reaction i get from them in game

but on a personal level it also fucks me up bc my mental health had been going bad and stuff are out of my controle, until i discovered D/A and the thing that had really, really helped me recover is that playing D/A asks me to use my skills i’ve learnt mostly to deal with my issues in a way i don’t find disagreeable (most precisely: how to weight what someone is telling you in order to not have it backfire at you) and stimulates my curiosity, passion and creativity in a way i hadn’t felt in forever. It makes me want to connect the dots, it makes me want to be involved, it makes me want to draw, to write again. (I started writting things again after 5 years and it’s so silly how it’s helping me out). Hell I started modding. I did an internship in a video game school on which I was actually pretty good and passionated bc just that had me make more research and understands more easily, so i started handling the logicials quickly for the timespawn and had a lot of cultural and technical knowledge backup just from swooping around trying to learn fun facts (and i would have got into this school easily bc i had a very good file but i lacked the money and my parents fucked it up, so i’m still extremely frustrated at that because I actually had really great chances to be taken in this school) It stimulates me in a way where I can healthily forget for two minutes that my world is crumbling, that for a moment it had me consider different future path, (see again up there), if there’s a path to recovery to be had it started with it.

I’ve known for years this fa/ndom was deemed toxic and I knew of the controversial characters by name before i started the game so i sillily paid more attention to them bc “how bad can they fuck up” only to realize then “oh no i love them” bc i paid attention to them. And i’m in circles where I see more hates than others and sometimes just hear of some hate by hearsay.

I’ve wanted to keep healthy distance as much as possible but once i got in d/a i noticed i already had d/iscourse on my dash from blogs i followed from others things and it was. Huh.

And I was thinking about not letting it get to me, or regularly take breaks, i blocked the d/iscourse tags, then the main tag to avoid it (doesn’t stop some posts to slide through though so that’s not helping), i don’t feel comfortable talking about it, and hey at least i owe to that that i’m less onto this website and i’m grateful at least for that

And it’s unhealthy to be this affected by f/andom stuff, i know that, god do i know that, but i’ve been in fandom for what, 11 years now, I’ve seen some fan wars, i’ve seen and participated in w/anks, but the whole holier-than-thou attitude in really insidious way is damaging, and i can’t recall a time i was this uncomfortable being part of something. (and i was in s/uperw/hol/ock at the fandom’s heigh and in the n/aruto’s fa.ndom when it ended for christ’s sake).

And idk how much is just current fa/ndom bc i know there’s far worse on this damn website, or really this game but this is. very damaging.

Anyway point is that my biggest problem is that i’ve seen some “Hot takes” that had been more damaging for my mental health bc i didn’t even know i could expect them (that’s a fun part of depression no one talks to you about, next i’m gonna tell you again that seeing one more posts about “how siblings are if you don’t see it like that you don’t have a real sibling” and variation sent me in some very bad mental spirals and i’m that close to unfollow anyone that posts those, so hey, that’s fun)

and some of them were 1) “Green!Ha/wke is a manipulator and it is far less sincere than Red or Purple” which really, really fucked me up not because I fancy Green this much but because saying being diplomatical in times stuff are going down is manipulative is super damaging and as someone who is always calculating how to be true to myself while also not triggering a fight around short tempered people, calling it “manipulation” had drove me to major anxiety thinking i was no better than my family, 2) the whole discourse about C/ullen which is the w o rs t bc i get where people come from when they dislike him and they have cause but i see a lot of my reactions to my own trauma and self-destructiong numbing addiction (i mean my self h//arm before anyone think anything) in his storyline in an unflattering way, and it’s something that really drove me to him in a way no other characters did (and i mean it especially bc, in term of experience? I relate to L/eliana more. But in term of reaction on a personal level on oneself? I couldn’t even start without getting uncomfortably personal about how dear C/ullen’s writting is to me. C/ullen’s reaction to trauma is extremely personal on the way also how he takes it on himself and it’s so, so important to me). and this one i kinda expected bc i love others characters that can follow this sort of patern and i know they have tons of w/anks about it but boy it is far less vicious than i’ve seen there (and i know others chara have tons of others d/iscourses but like i said i happen to be following people who will bring this one much more than any others)

Or maybe i’m just far more sensitive than i used to be, but therefore it triggers my fight or flight stuff and since i refuse to involve myself into fight it makes “flight and think about it for hours until it makes you feel terrible for liking it in the first place” so that’s fun.

And I know. I know it’s unhealthy to be this affected on f/andom stuff, and i’m not going to change anyone’s mind, nor do i want to. 

Bc in the end those games requires a lot of personal involvement and therefore our sensitivities to shine through, and i refuse to let my view affect others when the emotional journey is far, far more interesting when you take it with your own heart, even if it means i must fundamentally disagree with all of the experience others may feel,

But ye. I know. And i’m trying to work on that, it’s been a year i’m trying to work on that, and as i said earlier, i’m taking breaks from this website every once in a while lately, which is far more healthy anyway, and i think i’ll carry on doing that.

And I still will not posts d/iscoursy stuff of saying “this interpretation of the character is wrong here how you should interpret it” even if i agree bc i’m too tired for it, and anyway i don’t even want to learn what’s the fa/ndom’s opinions on the characters are at this point, i couldn’t care less, I care about how i feel for them and I don’t even want to hear how people discuss it.

(and tbh so i feel for the lore in general too bc i really like the lore of the game, sue me, and as much as i love to dig for details i’m too tired for opinions)

but that last post is the first time i see a post specifically written on the very topic that makes me anxious about C/ullen stuff, i didn’t feel like letting it past, i want to keep it on my blog.

Anyway also if you’ve stuck this far, i’m also going to be far more ready to unfollow stuff that really makes me spiral down now, the last few breaks i took from this website made me feel like i don’t want to deal with it anymore. I’m still anxious about what i post and i doubt i’ll still share a lot about it, bc at this point i don’t even feel like sharing this much either so there’s that, 

but therefore if you’ve stuck there you’re also welcomed to unfollow for whatever reason you feel like and especially if you don’t want to deal with my bullshit, bc god knows i don’t want to be dealing with it either. Don’t let things you can controle upset you, that’s not worth it.

Anyway, icha’s out, didn’t want to talk much about personal stuff more but here i am! and i’m taking my leave bye