#I guess that's gotta be my internet footprint now

[miallurk]

Everything: *being bearable for some time*

Me: Oh great! Am I finally getting better???

Everything: lol no *fucks up my life*

[remakethestars]

CABIN 10 — APHRODITE

Headcanons.

❝I want to apologize to all the women I have called pretty before I’ve called them intelligent or brave. I am sorry I made it sound as though something as simple as what you’re born with is the most you have to be proud of when your spirit has crushed mountains. From now on, I will say things like, ‘You are resilient,’ or, ‘You are extraordinary.’ Not because I don’t think you’re pretty. But because you are so much more than that.❞ 

— Rupi Kaur

Headcanon masterlist.

They’re the camp hairdressers. You need a trim? You want it cut? You want it died? You want to shave it all off? Hit ‘em up.

The type of people that will straight-up chop their hair if it doesn't match their outfit. Somehow, it always works out? I'm looking at Micarah Tewers.

They also run a secret ear piercing — or anything else you need to pierce — parlor.

Okay, but consider: children of Aphrodite that grow up to be models.

They can charm speak the photographers into letting them pick their own poses & not make them do seductive ones if they’re not comfortable with them.

Some create clothing lines that represent sustainable fashion & have big names but small carbon footprints.

Some are spies.

Think about it! They know how to switch subtle bits of their personality to fit in with everyone they come across, when & when not to use their charm.

The hide outfits under other outfits & can slip one off in public to reveal the other & lose a tail.

And they'd probably be great at disguise makeup. Add a prosthetic chin, contour their nose differently, pull off their wig, & they're a completely different person.

Plus, their combat training at C.H.B. makes them the perfect agent.

The floor next to their bunk is scattered with fabric cuttings, pins, needles, their sewing machine, serger, & measuring tape.

The number of times someone's gotten a needle or pin in their foot's a tad concerning.

Will absolutely not wear a top with an overstitched collar. Fast fashion is so tacky! Understitch is the way to go, the staple of a quality garment.

Vintage is better. Not because it's in style (that's a plus, though), but because the seams are big enough for you to let out, & it's made to last.

Experts at thrifting. Not just 'cause it's trendy or whatever, but because they're excellent at upcycling & far too many perfectly good clothes go into the land fill each year.

Make stunning dresses out of Good Will table cloths & curtains.

Or stitch two items together into one better whole.

They iron their clothes; they're not animals.

Really good at getting stains out?

Totally in on the corset bustier top trend, but they're using spiral steel boning in place of zip-ties. Because, again, they want things to last & they're not tacky.

Pass each other tips. Like to tuck your top into your tights to avoid the bulge under your skirt.

Some found big-name, organic makeup companies that don't test on animals. They use packaging that can be recycled or that's biodegradable.

Borrow their clothes, sure, whatever, but double-dip in their makeup & die. The bacteria will give them acne. (Or is it the oils? Either way, you'll perish.)

Happy to drop their skincare routine, though.

You need to cover up that tattoo you got from C7? They got you.

Flawless makeup on a budget. Expensive doesn't always mean better.

They're taking you to the pool for a first date? Take a seat, C10 knows just the stuff. They use what Disney Princesses use.

Can guess the right shade of foundation/lipstick for you on the first couple tries.

A lot of them invest in magnetic lashes because glue's a b¡tch.

Reusable makeup wipes.

Rick says C10 kids just sit around the lake & check their reflection, but consider: working out gets them their dream bod. So, yes, they do, in fact, train.

They just do it with intricate braids/hair gel & stylish sportwear.

And if a potential partner finds it unattractive that they’re “too muscly,” they’re no longer a potential partner.

Weapons disguised as jewelry or chapstick/lipstick.

Thalia had a mace canister that turned into a spear, & I gotta say, I.D.K. how she planned to get that through security. Imagine, alternatively, a tube that appears to be full of bright red lipstick when the T.S.A. agent opens it, but actually turns into a spear when opened by a half-blood.

(I have a headcanon that Riptide would just be a pen in the hands of a mortal. Bounced around for years as random objects until Poseidon nabbed it & took it to Chiron — recall that pen you lost?)

A pink, velvet choker that turns into a kopis with a dove embossed in the handle.

Many choose to train in heels. Might as well wear in training what they’ll be wearing when attacked in the street.

They’ve got no time for internalized misogyny. 

“C10′s weak ‘cause they like being pretty!” Good way to lose a kneecap, Annabeth. You’ve grown up in this camp, you knew Selina, & you should know better.

They confront Piper’s misogyny pretty early on after The Lost Hero, but Piper still takes some time to get over her bias toward pink.

Are we not gonna talk about Rick’s fashion choices for Piper throughout the series? “She looks so fashionable.” To whom, Rick? To whom?

You couldn’t’ve done a little internet surfing just to see what was in style? I never leave the house in anything but jeans, Converse, & a graphic t-shirt from Walmart, & even I know she’s dressed like a middle-schooler! Probably because that’s how I dressed in middle-school… That’s not the point.

The point is just because a character likes makeup or fashion or the color pink, doesn’t mean they can’t/won’t fight for their lives & the lives of their friends if/when the time comes. And it doesn’t mean that they’re stupid or judgmental.

I don’t know a lot about makeup. Hades, I don’t even wear makeup — you can’t rub your eyes or scratch your face; it would drive me crazy. I don’t know a lot about fashion either. I don’t understand it, but I can respect it.

❝‘Jesus,’ Sara says as Branley walks past us. ‘Too cold to show off cleavage, so instead she goes for jeans so tight I can see her thong.’ ‘She looks nice,’ I say, and she does. Branley always looks put together in a way that tells me she spends hours in front of a mirror before going outside. And while I don’t understand that, I can respect it.❞

— Alex Craft, Mindy McGinnis’s The Female of the Species

According to The Lost Hero, all children of Aphrodite intuitively speak French. Cool, cool, cool — but consider, all of them also intuitively speak the language of flowers. 

They see a red rose, and they just know it symbolizes love & passion. They see an orange lily, to contrast, & they know it symbolizes hatred. 

There’s a copy of The Language of Flowers in their cabin, and it’s full of annotations, like, So-and-so gave these to so-and-so for Valentines Day! And, So-and-so gave these to so-and-so after their kiss on the Fourth of July; they obviously didn’t do their research! 

They work together with C4 (Demeter) to provide flowers for funerals & the like.

C10 bookshelves also contain a lot of romance novels. 

Beaten up copies of Pride & Prejudice & The Fault in Our Stars with faded highlighter over the beautiful lines & annotations in the margins.

The outside walls are a dusty pink, & the wood’s stained a dark brown that goes surprisingly well with the pink.

Inside, the walls are covered in faded wallpaper.

The southwest wall has a bay window with extra storage in the seat. (There’s not a body in there; they swear.)

(That’s an Arsenic & Old Lace reference, for you youngsters.)

The curtains have one chiffon layer closer to the window & a thicker floral fabric for inside. The thick curtains are replaced based on the season & whether or not someone’s decided to make a romper out of them.

They have a real bell jar with a real rose in front of the window. Legend has it it’s from Aphrodite herself.

Said window is a stained glass image of a dove.

The chaise lounge was probably beautiful when it was brought it, but it’s got fingernail polish & makeup stains on it now. Honestly, someone should really have that thing cleaned.

As you might have noticed, I placed a gif of swans at the top instead of a fancast for Aphrodite. This is because I think, as I believe most Percy Jackson fans do, multiple people should play her. I'd cast Arden Cho, Camila Mendes, Candice Patton, Diane Kruger, & Gal Gadot to start with.

Visit my Aphrodite cabin Pinterest board or my headcanon masterlist.

DISCLAIMER ━━━ I know I got a tad political with this one, but I didn’t & don’t intend to offend anyone. ━━━ These headcanons are what I consider to be canon in my fanfictions. They may be others’s headcanons I’ve subconsciously filed away in my noggin. If one’s yours and you want it removed or credited, please send me your post and let me know.

[connorandersons-blog]

He Didn’t Miss

Rating: Explicit Word count: 6452  Ship: Convin (Connor/Gavin Reed)

Summary: Connor and Gavin are forced to work together on a serial killer case. Someone is killing androids with bat and doesn't seem to leave a trace. Can the two figure out who the murder is and somehow get along?

-----------------------------------

"You gotta be fucking with me," Gavin growled, crossing his arms. Connor stays standing behind the chair, looking between the Captain and Reed. 

"I am not. While Hank is away you two will work together. Connor is still not allowed to work alone and you're my next best detective." Fowler sighs, rubbing at his face.

Connor had guessed this was going to happen so he was already prepared for the news. Gavin turns and glares at Connor like this was his idea, which it wasn't. 

"Fuck, how long will Anderson be gone?" Gavin sighs. 

Connor cuts in before Fowler can answer. "He will be gone for two more weeks and three days." 

While Hank was gone he left the house and Sumo for Connor to take care of. Connor was happy to do so, and since he already practically lived there it wasn't much change. 

"Fuck. Fine, but don't expect us to get along." Gavin says. He doesn't wait for Fowler's dismissal before stomping out of the office. 

"Is there anything else, sir?" Connor asks. 

Fowler just shakes his head. "No. Well… Reed isn't so bad. Just try not to kill each other and you'll be fine. Now get out." 

Connor nodded and walked out, closing the door softly behind him. He went back to his desk, pulling up the case he and Reed would be working on. 

There had been four murders already and one that had just been found. They'd have to go to the crime scene soon, but Connor thought it best to let Reed cool down a bit. 

It took the detective exactly 28 minutes and 32 seconds before Gavin walked over to Connor's desk. "Let's get a fucking move on." 

Connor quickly stands, making sure his tie is tight before following Reed. He's half-expecting for them to get a cab or just use one of the cars the dpd has. Instead, Reed leads them to the parking lot and a red 1971 Ford Mustang Convertible. 

"This is an old car, 68 years old to be exact," Connor says, looking it over. It's clear that Gavin takes good care of it; the car is completely clean and polished. 

Reed glances at him, eyes widening before he scowls. "Yeah, what about it?" 

"I'm simply appreciating it." He tries to smile warmly but it probably comes off a bit awkward. 

Gavin furrows his brows before shaking his head and getting in. Connor follows suit, sliding into the passenger seat. The seatbelts are already buckled behind them so Connor just sits there while Gavin starts the car.

"Never gonna say goodbye

Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you"

Gavin's eyes went wide and he quickly turned the music off. "Shit! Uh, I…it was, I wasn't actually-" Gavin trailed off. "Don't you dare tell anyone about this, you hear me?" 

Connor quickly put his hands up. "I won't, though I don't see why you would be embarrassed about your song choice." 

He had experimented with every genre of music available, and listened to all the songs Hank deemed as 'classics'. 

"I'm not fucking embarrassed. Just-just shut the fuck up, ok?" Gavin said before pulling out of the parking lot. 

Connor stays quiet as requested for the rest of the drive, mentally going over what they already knew. There was very little available while also having too much. 

They get to the crime scene and Connor quickly leaves the car. The silence had been too heavy and too awkward for his liking.

The house looked like a cut out from Architects Today magazine. It was beautiful, but not in the olde-worlde quaint kind of way. Everything was geometric, which he guessed you could say about almost house with square windows, but on this house, he couldn't help but notice it. 

The roof was flat for a start and the door was wide as it was tall. The windows took up entire walls with only polished steel beams to break them into yet more rectangles. 

The look would have been entirely metallic like a mini downtown skyscraper had it not been for the cedar beams of the external porch and the matching raised plant beds that contained only white blooms. 

It was definitely crafted after the revolution and for androids. Markus had set up lots of funding for housing from money Carl had gifted him along with selling his own paintings. He would do his best to help any androids who wanted to buy their own homes instead of staying at Jericho. He also knew Carl Manfred donated most of his art to the cause as well. 

The door was already open and officers walked in and out. The floors were polished concrete and the furniture scandinavian in style. The only mess was the wet footprints the police tracked. That is until they reached the living room. 

The living room is decorated the same but now it also had blue blood everywhere. The humans couldn't see it, but he could and it sent a shiver down his spine. 

The android, an ST200, lies on the ground the body completely mutilated. She's stripped completely bare but that doesn't mean much at this point with how her body is. 

She's almost unrecognizable with how badly damaged she is. "Shit." Gavin grumbles and Connor nods numbly. 

He walks over, careful not to disturb any evidence before crouching down. He scans over the body making notes in his head of any important details. 

Her eyes are still open, staring lifelessly up at the ceiling. Connor reaches out and closes them, not being able to handle them open. He hated remembering Daniel's eyes just staring at him as he kneeled on that roof. 

There is no way this Chloe could be repaired. Her memories would be far too damaged to do so. Not to mention the amount of trauma she must have gone through.

Once he finds everything he can he slowly stands and looks around the room. There is a small shrine set up for rA9 near a window and Connor glances at it. He hadn't thought much about rA9 but it had become common to say 'oh rA9' like humans would with God.

There isn't an obvious murder weapon lying around so it's more likely that the killer had brought it with them. 

"I believe the killer brought a bat with them, so this could definitely be from the same killer as the other four," Connor said once he had looked through the rooms.

"Nah dip," Reed said, looking down at the body then grimacing. "So we got a serial killer who beats androids with a bat. Wonderful." 

"I don't agree, this isn't wonderful in any way." It was horrifying and gruesome. It made his stomach churn and he couldn't even get sick. 

Gavin snorts but quickly cuts it off. He looked around them before glaring at Connor. "I was being sarcastic." 

Connor slowly nodded, hiding his own grin. He knew Reed was being sarcastic, and his response got the reaction he was hoping for. Reed may not like him now, but he made it his mission to become at least on friendly terms by the time Hank gets back. 

He wasn't as clueless as many thought. Sure there were things he didn't instantly understand, but he had the entire internet in his head. Even then there were some things that he still didn't understand, but that was fine. Not knowing the answer to everything was a part of being alive. 

"Oh, I will try to remember that. Sorry for the misunderstanding, Detective." Connor nods. "I believe I may be able to get more information from the other bodies." 

There had to be some DNA evidence somewhere. The person may not be in the system, but the evidence would be used once they got a suspect. 

Gavin looks down at the body again before wincing. "Hopefully they aren't as bad as this one. I'm gonna take a look around the rest of the house." 

Connor follows along even after Gavin started bitching about 'stupid androids' and 'acting like a lost puppy'. Connor took it in stride, making small comments when Reed would say something particularly stupid. 

"You're the most annoying android I've ever met. Aren't you supposed to just obey and not talk back?" Gavin snaps at him. 

"Sarcasm is just one more service I offer. If you'd like to make a complaint I'm sure Cyberlife won't give a single fuck either." He grins. Then he's shoved back against the wall, and Gavin is glaring up at him. 

He almost feels satisfaction from getting Reed this worked up, but most of his attention is directed on how close they are. 

Gavin holds him against the wall even though Connor could easily get away if he wanted. They both knew who would win in a fight. "Shut the fuck up. I am your superior and you will not talk back to me while at work." 

Oh, he made it too easy. "So that means I get to talk back when we aren't working?" 

Gavin quickly pushed away, wiping down his clothes like he thought Connor had cooties. "Fuck off!"

"What a way with words, I'm so impressed." Connor deadpans. Messing with Reed was just too easy. "We have searched the whole house, I believe we should head back." 

Gavin clenched his fist before slowly relaxing it. "Fine. Let's go, Tincan." He hit his shoulder as he stomped away. 

Connor couldn't help but roll his eyes as he followed after. At least he had a good view from back here. 

He wouldn't deny Gavin being… aesthetically pleasing. He often hid behind baggy shirts or jackets, but Connor could tell he kept very good care of himself. 

He just didn't have the best of personalities. He was impulsive and crude. He made comments on basically everything he didn't agree with or disliked. Though, he seemed to lie a lot when it came to androids. 

Connor had yet to figure out why he lied or why he was so angry. There was a suspicious lack of background in his file, so perhaps something happened in the past. How he could completely cover something up was beyond him. He didn't have any hacking skills from what he saw. 

He had to find out what Gavin was hiding. Hank hadn't told him anything even with all his pushing. He couldn't ask Chris or Tina, he wasn't close enough to them to even bring it up. 

So that left asking Gavin. He'd either have to get him angry and frustrated enough or he could try to get closer. He'd prefer to later, but there was a very low success rate of that. 

He still wanted to try, though. He wanted to get to know Gavin. He wanted to become friends and have him to turn to if he needed help. Maybe they could be more, though that was laughable. 

If Gavin couldn't get over his prejudice then it would never work. He couldn't be close to someone who hated his people. He could try to change his mind slowly, but until then he couldn't let himself dream. 

The ride back was just as uncomfortable and awkwardly silent as the ride to the scene had been. Gavin never looked over at him as he drove, he didn't even turn on any music. 

Connor didn't try to make conversation. Small talk would just make things more uncomfortable. Connor pulls his coin out and rolls it across his fingers. 

Gavin jerks the car slightly and the coin drops to the ground. Connor glances over as he bends to grab his coin and sees a small smirk on Gavin's face. 

Connor goes back to doing his coin trick and having to pick it up whenever Gavin is a bit rougher with his driving. 

That lasted the entire way back and Connor had dropped his coin exactly seventeen times. Neither says anything as they get out of the car and go into the station. 

Connor goes to the evidence room while Gavin goes back to his desk. 

The android parts are no longer just hanging, but they now are treated similarly to humans. 

Connor goes over the bodies, taking samples when necessary. He's gotten good at compartmentalizing so he does his work without letting his emotions get in the way. 

That didn't mean it was hard to see. Anyone would have problems seeing their own people brutally murdered. 

From the looks of it, the androids had been alive when most of the damage was dealt. Their death didn't stop the killer from continuing to beat the bodies until they were unrecognizable. 

Whoever did this really hated them, and from what he could tell the only connection was that they were androids. 

He was on the last body and had very little hope left. He hadn't found one spec of DNA so this was looking more towards an android committing the crimes. Definitely wasn't the first time an android murdered, but it was odd to see this much rage directed at their own kind. 

He was about ready to give up until he saw something. A small spec of dried red blood. 

He pressed his finger against it, and then brought it to his lips. He found DNA. He could jump for joy, but he keeps his cool. There was no match in the system, but they needed this. 

He could find a lot out just from the blood, so that would narrow down their suspect pool. 

He stands there for a few seconds, analyzing the blood. Once that was done he quickly jogged out and to Gavin's desk. 

Gavin was sipping on coffee and talking to Officer Chen. He slowed his pace as he got closer. He didn't want to interrupt as that had a high chance of simply pissing Gavin off. 

Chen looked up and gave him a slight wave. "Connor, how has worked with grumpy pants been?" 

Connor walked up, leaning slightly against Gavin's desk. "Not the worst. I just found a break in the case. How have you been?" 

"Not bad on my end. This fucker won't stop whining about how sn-” she's cut off by a hand over her mouth. Gavin glares at her, and then quickly pulls his hand away. 

"Ugh, that's disgusting Tina. You're such a bitch." He sighed, wiping his hand onto Tina's arm. 

She squeals and jumps away, flipping him off. "But I'm your bitch. Talk to you boys later; don't get into any extra trouble." She laughs as she runs off, waving at Connor. 

Gavin sighs and shakes his head fondly. Then he turns his attention back to Connor and his expression quickly changes to one of irritation. "You found something?"  

"I did. I found a small drop of red blood on the body that most likely came from the killer." He starts. Gavin nods along, propping his feet up on his desk. "The blood belonged to a white man, 24 years old, with AB+ blood type." 

Gavin raised an eyebrow. "Anything else? Maybe you can get this man's name too." 

"The most common boy names born in 2014 in the US are Noah, Liam, Mason, Jacob, William, Ethan, Michael, Alexander, James, and Daniel. There is a chance that he would be named one of those." 

Gavin stared at him for a few seconds before slowly bring a hand up then slapping his own forehead. "Right. I shouldn't have said anything. Is there anything else you got?" 

"There is. The man appears to have had gastrointestinal cancer in the past." There couldn't be that many with all of those requirements. 

"Damn, that sucks. Doesn't give him the right to murder though." Gavin says, rubbing his face. 

Connor has to go over that again a few times to make sure he heard right. He'd never heard Gavin say an android's death was murder. He rarely even said they were killed. Now he had agreed they were murdered. 

He was quickly snapped out of his thoughts when a hand was waved in front of his face. "You still in there?" Gavin asks. 

Connor nods and quickly pushed Gavin's hand away. "I'm fine. I'm just simply shocked. You said they were murdered." 

Gavin freezes before shrugging nonchalantly. "And? That's what happened, isn't it? Beaten to death equals murder." 

"Right, of course. Do you have any leads?" He changes the subject. He didn't want to push Gavin too far with that line of questioning. 

Gavin nods and moves his feet off his desk, tapping on the computer until three files are pulled up. "This fucker is Jonathan Beek. He was arrested for assault using a bat. This one is Abby Willmore; she's works at the same hospital as the other androids. And this ugly fucker is Leon McKenny, he was just released from prison. He was busted for trying to drug androids. Though he may have something to do with it since he was cellmates with Beek." 

"Wait, the androids all worked at the same hospital?" He quickly moves to stand behind Gavin, leaning in to see the screen. 

Before Gavin can say anything he's interfacing with the computer and downloads all the information. He pulls his hand back, setting it down on the desk so he can lean on it. 

His fingers brush against Gavin and Gavin quickly pulls his hand away. Connor hadn't meant to do that, but it still sent a jolt down his systems. 

All of the androids had worked at Karmanos Cancer Institute and they all worked in the same area. This was definitely a lead. 

"Fucking hell, you didn't have to do that weird android thingy. I was gonna answer you." Gavin mumbles, standing up. 

"It's called interfacing, and it's faster that way." Connor points out. 

"I know what fucking interfacing is. God damn, how does Hank stand you? You must be really good in bed if he willingly keeps you around." Gavin snorts. 

Rage builds up and Connor grabs one of Gavin's arms while slamming his down into the desk. Gavin yelps but doesn't struggle in Connor's hold. 

He leans down slightly, tightening his hold. "I don't care what you say about me, but I will not stand for you disrespecting Hank." 

His relationship with the Lieutenant was purely platonic and he never even thought of him once in that manner. 

Gavin's face turns bright red, but from what Connor isn't sure. He shifts slightly, before letting Gavin go. Even then he stays still for a few seconds longer, staring wide-eyed at Connor. 

"He has some people we need to talk to. But I need to check on Sumo first. I can meet you at the hospital or you can join me." He smiles politely and Gavin finally stands back up on shaky legs. 

"I'll come with," Gavin mumbles, staring at the ground. The officers around them quickly turn away when they see Connor looking their way. 

Connor nods and turns on his heel, walking back out of the station. There were a few more hours until the change in the shift so they didn't have too much more time off they decided to end their day with everyone else. 

Neither had taken a lunch break, so Connor really needed to at least let Sumo out to potty before they could continue. 

Gavin followed after Connor, keeping his eyes trained onto the ground and hands shoved into his pockets. 

Gavin drives and doesn't even try to make Connor drop his coin this time. His eyes almost seem glazed over as he stares at the road. 

Connor doesn't question it, just like he doesn't question it when Gavin silently follows him into Hank's house. 

He drops to the ground to pet Sumo before letting him out back. He closes the door and slowly turns when he hears Gavin walking towards him. 

He's ready for whatever Gavin is going to say. What he isn't ready for is for Gavin to push himself against Connor, rolling his hips forward. 

"You think you can just do that and get away with it?" Gavin sneers, pushing Connor back against the wall. "You're a fucking prick. Do you know how much I hate you?" 

Connor stands there shocked for a few seconds. Out of everything Gavin could do—punching, yelling, shooting—grinding against him didn't seem like an obvious choice. 

"You are too perfect. You got this stupid puppy dog eyes, and you can never do wrong. Fuck that, and fuck you." Gavin growls out. 

Connor wasn't exactly opposed but he had hoped this would happen some other way. Maybe after Gavin finally got his head out of his ass. 

"Will doing this make you more agreeable?" Connor questions. He doesn't want to do this just because Gavin is angry. If he was simply pissed then he could go off and find someone else to sleep it. 

"Fuck off. Maybe. I don't know. Just don't slam me into any more desks." Oh, so that's why. 

It made sense, but Connor hadn't thought about that possibility when he had done it. Was it the slamming into a desk or that he did so publicly that got him excited. Perhaps it was both. 

Instead of answering out loud, he grabs Gavin and easily flips them around so Gavin is the one against the door. 

Then Connor pushes their lips together, grabbing him by the hips and one hand around Gavin's throat. He doesn't actually squeeze, but he does put enough pressure for Gavin to feel it a bit. 

Gavin gasps and Connor takes the opportunity. This was far from his first kiss, so he had no problem taking the lead. 

He had experimented after his deviancy and he had found what he liked. There was always more to explore, but that could wait. For now, he focused on kissing Gavin until his knees were weak. 

That goal was soon accomplished, and the main thing holding Gavin up was Connor's body pressed against him. 

So Connor broke the kiss to reach down and pull Gavin up. Gavin yelps and wraps his legs around Connor. 

He easily moves them to his own bedroom and dumps Gavin onto the bed, not even trying to be gentle. If Gavin liked it rough then that's what he was going to get. 

Connor pulled down Gavin's pants and underwear in one motion. He didn't even let Gavin take a breath before he took him in hand. 

Gavin moaned and gripped the blanket under him. "Fuck, Connor." 

Connor smirks at Gavin before leaning down and takes his cock in his mouth. Gavin bucks up into him, but Connor shoves his hips back down. 

Once he has Gavin full-on withering he sucks him to the base. Then he uses his throat and Gavin reaches down and grabs his hair, yanking on it hard. 

Connor hums and continues for a few seconds longer before pulling off with a pop. 

"When the fuck did you learn to do that?" Gavin pants, letting go of Connor's hair. 

Connor pulls his clothes off and throws them towards his hamper. Gavin sits up quickly and pulls his own shirt off before reaching out to touch Connor. 

He lets him explore his body before pulling Gavin into his lap. "Behind a bar." He mutters before nipping down Gavin's neck. 

Gavin drags his nails down Connor's back. He would have broken skin if Connor was a human. Sadly he wouldn't be able to leave a mark on Connor. Though, Connor could leave many marks on Gavin. 

He did try to keep them under where his shirt would be. 

"Fucking ass! Too fucking perfect." Gavin says, once again yanking on Connor's hair. He pulls Connor away from his neck to crash their lips together. 

It's far from gentle, and Connor bites Gavin's bottom lip hard enough to draw blood. In return, Gavin reaches down and grabs Connor's cock, roughly pumping his hand. 

"Didn't know you had one of these." Gavin manages to get out between kisses. 

"I thought you were being a dick to overcompensate, glad to see we were both wrong," Connor smirks before pushing Gavin to lie on his back. 

"Fuck you!" Gavin sneers but spreads his legs. Connor reaches over and opens the small drawer beside his bed. 

He didn't need lube for himself, but he kept it just in case he slept with a human. "I was planning on fucking you. You seem like the kind of slut to like that. You like to be used." 

Connor could relate, though. If he was bottoming then he loved that. He loved feeling used and worthy. He wouldn't judge Gavin for what he liked. 

"Yes! Fuck me. Please fuck me," Gavin begged, spreading his legs even wider. Connor opened the lube and spread some over his fingers. 

Without any warning, he pushed a finger all the way in. Gavin let out a shout but didn't ask for Connor to stop. 

He prepped him as fast as he could, adding fingers in without warning. Gavin didn't seem to mind, actually seemed to enjoy it quite a lot considering all the cursing and moaning that came out of him. 

"Fuck me already you piece of shit!" Gavin snapped and Connor pulled his fingers out. 

He was half tempted to slap Gavin's ass but he holds back. "So needy. You're such a slut for me." Connor murmurs as he lines himself up. 

Gavin half-heartedly glares up at him but his expression quickly changes to one of pain and pleasure as Connor pushes in. 

He only waits a few seconds before he starts to move. He'd instantly stop if Gavin asked him to, but that didn't seem to be happening any time soon. 

Connor grabbed Gavin's legs, pulling them so they were hooked over his shoulder. Gavin was babbling nonsense as he sped up, hitting his prostate with each thrust. 

Connor was so close to the edge, but he wanted Gavin to come first. That doesn't seem like that'll take much longer. 

Gavin comes with a shout, and Connor doesn't slow. He spends up just slightly and soon he's coming inside of Gavin. His hips keep rocking until he's completely spent. 

Gavin is completely limp on the bed, staring up at Connor through glazed eyes. 

Connor pulls out slowly and drops onto the bed beside him. His energies are far lower than he'd like. He hadn't thought he'd go through this much exercise and emotional strain so he hadn't actually gone into stasis for a few days. 

"I need to sleep for a few minutes to regain my energy. You can stay here if you'd like." Connor mumbles. A large part of him wants Gavin to stay. He wants to curl up and pull him to his chest. 

He doesn't get his answer before he falls asleep, but he doesn't feel Gavin leave the bed either. 

He's abruptly woken up by a wet, large tongue being dragged across his face. His internal clock tells him he had only slept for thirty minutes. 

He gently pushes Sumo away, wiping his face off before opening his eyes. 

The bed beside him is cold and Gavin's clothes are no longer on his floor. He must have let Sumo in at some point while Connor was asleep.

Connor climbs out of bed, grabbing his clothes and putting them in the hamper before pulling on clean ones. 

He walks out of the room, Sumo following along beside him. The house is completely silent and empty. 

Connor's heart sinks and he stares at the door. He should have expected Gavin to leave. He should have known this was just a way for him to get his frustration out. Yet he couldn't stop the tears that threaten to spill over. 

It wasn't like he hadn't had one night stands before, but this was different. He actually knew Gavin, at least somewhat. He thought there was the chance that Gavin really knew him, and wanted to be with him. 

But of course, he was wrong. Of course, Gavin didn't want him. Who would? He was only good for a quick fuck. Why had he thought this time was different? 

He slowly slides to the ground, tears running down his cheeks. How could he be so stupid? Why had he let himself think Gavin would have stayed? 

He buries his face in Sumo's fur, letting out choked sobs. It was like someone took a hammer to his chest and beat him with it until his thirium pump was in tiny shards all over the ground. If he moved he'd step on a shard and just cause him more pain.

He stays on the floor until he can finally pull in a breath. He stumbles back into his room and curls up on the bed. Sumo jumps up and lies at his feet, laying his head on Connor's legs. 

He closes his eyes and slowly drifts off into sleep. 

 He drags himself out of bed in the morning. He goes through the motions with limbs that feel as heavy as lead, but he has to work. They still have a case to solve, no matter how much it's going to hurt to be around Gavin. 

He'd be completely professional. No snark, no sass. He could do this. He just had to solve this case and hopefully, Hank would be back early. 

Then he could eat all the thirium ice cream he wants, while curled up on the couch rewatching Finding Nemo for the hundredth time. Hank would sit with him and Connor wouldn't even scold him for the beer he would drink or the pizza he would order.

He made sure Sumo was well taken care of before calling a cab. Part of him wants the cab to get in some accident so he doesn't have to face Gavin. 

Sadly the ride goes quickly and smoothly. He gets to the precinct in record time which makes him just want to smash his head into the cab. 

Instead, he climbs out and makes his way in. He doesn't even look at Gavin's desk, heading straight to his own. He had nothing to apologize for. Gavin hadn't given him any indication to stop, and he definitely would have if Gavin had. 

Gavin didn't really have anything to apologize for either. It wasn't like he was required to stay afterward. He didn't have to at least wait until Connor woke up to leave. 

Yet Connor wanted to wake up with Gavin lying beside him. He had done exactly what he didn't want to do until Gavin stopped hating his kind. 

He hadn't even thought of that when they kissed. He hadn't even thought to really think if he was honest. So if there was anyone to blame it was himself. 

He sat down at his desk and clocked in. He'd have to question people at the hospital but for now, he simply logs all the information they had already gathered. 

He goes over the victims and finds some interesting information. The first one to die was an android made specifically to help patients with cancer. The android–Goa–had continued to work as a doctor even after the revolution. 

Another one–Sierra– had been a consulting doctor that often helped Goa after the revolution. 

The other two had been nurses while the ST200 had been a receptionist. Perhaps a human had been angry about being cared for by androids. 

It seemed a bit excessive to beat the androids as much as he did if it was just because of that. There had to be something else he was missing. 

"Let's go to the hospital," Gavin says, causing Connor to practically jump out of his skin. He hadn't heard him walk up, but he had been incredibly focused.

He can't even look up to meet Gavin's eyes before he stands and pushes his chair in. 

If he thought the car rides had been awkward before, they had nothing on this. Connor wasn't going to be the one to break the silence. If Gavin wanted to talk about what had happened, then he would. Until then, Connor would keep his mouth shut and to himself. 

The hospital is pristine and has that odd smell only hospitals could have. The floors and walls were white and the lights bounced off them a bit too much. 

The two flash their badges and ask the receptionist a few questions. Apparently, the ST200 had kept the name Chloe and everyone loved her. Even the humans that had been unsure of androids had quickly warmed up to her. 

They then move on to question the other nurses, but they get the same results. No one had any idea as to who could have wanted them dead. 

There was the possibility that it was another nurse, but none fit the requirements. 

They pull a human doctor aside when the man has a break. 

"So, do you know of anyone who fits this description?" Gavin asks curtly. His arms are crossed and he stands as far away from Connor as possible without seeming odd. 

The doctor thinks for a second before his eyes light up. "There is one man, he just left. His name is Noah Alexander Smith. His son had same cancer as him and was treated here. He sadly didn't make it, but he went into remission shortly after his son's death." 

"You said he just left?" Connor asks, quickly glancing at Gavin. The doctor nods and gives them a brief description before the two run towards the parking deck. 

The man fit the description perfectly and he had a reason to kill. He probably blamed everyone at that hospital for his son's death. 

"Noah Smith puts your hands up," Connor calls out once they finally find him. The man turns to glance back at them before taking off running. 

Gavin and Connor both let out a sigh before they start chasing after him. They chase him until they get to the top of the parking deck. 

Before either can truly react the man turns and fires a gun at them. Both Connor and Gavin reach for theirs, but it's Gavin who makes the shot. 

The man drops to the ground and Gavin quickly runs over to check his pulse. There isn't one but Gavin wasn't surprised, he had gotten him in the head. He pulls his phone out and quickly calls for help, but Connor can barely think over the pain.

Gavin does a quick check over himself, glad to find no bullet holes. 

Connor stumbles closer, pressing a hand against his stomach. It hurts so much but he can't seem to say anything. 

"Can't believe that. We were right there and he still missed." Gavin sighs, shaking his head, but still not looking towards Connor. 

Connor sways on his feet, his vision glitching and warnings flashing in front of his eyes. "He didn't miss, Gavin," Connor mumbles before his legs give out. 

"Shit!" Gavin yells, quickly moving to catch him before he hits the ground. Gavin slowly lowers them until they are sitting, and Connor keeps his hand over his wound. "Fuck, hey it'll be ok, right?" 

Connor blinks a few times to try to clear his vision. The warnings and alerts won't stop and the timer to shutdown starts. "I need, I need to go into stasis. It'll give me more time." He breathes out. 

"No, no you need to stay awake. Connor, come on. I can't lose you." Gavin pleads, pressing his hand against Connor's. He winces at the pain, body jerking slightly. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. Have to keep pressure, ok?" 

Connor nods and leans heavily against Gavin. "Yeah. Did you call for help?" 

"Of course I did, you fucking idiot. They'll come and you'll be fine. Just gotta fix you up." Gavin says, pulling him closer. 

Connor's eyes fill with tears as he checks his time. "I really need to go into stasis. Stay with me?" He pleads his arms and legs slowly going limp. 

"Of course, I won't leave you, Connor," Gavin says, before frantically calling for help. 

Connor snorts and nuzzles closer. "But you left yesterday. I fell asleep and you left me." 

Connor can hear how fast Gavin's heart is beating as he brings a shaky hand up to touch Gavin's face. "I didn't think I was wanted. But I'll never leave. I want to stay by your side." 

"Why do you-" his mind is flooded with more alerts and he quickly brushed them away. "Why do you hate androids?" 

"I-I don't hate androids. I hate the man who created them, you. I was just angry and scared. I promise I don't hate you." Gavin says. 

"Oh, well you can tell me more about tha-" he's cut off by his systems forcing him into stasis. The last thing he hears is Gavin yelling his name. 

 He slowly wakes up in a bed that's definitely in a hospital. His internal clock tells him he's been out for five hours and forty-two minutes. 

The main in his stomach is almost completely gone, but it does feel a bit different. 

Once all of his systems are up he slowly opens his eyes. The lights are bright so he turns his head. Gavin and Hank both sit in chairs beside his bed. Hank is asleep while Gavin is fiddling with a coin. 

"I can teach you if you'd like," Connor mutters. Gavin jerks and the coin drops to the floor, but neither of them cares. 

Gavin jumps up and slams their lips together. It's a bit uncomfortable and there's way too much teeth, but Connor loves it anyway. 

Gavin slowly pulls away and presses their foreheads together. "I thought I lost you." 

"You can't get rid of me that easily." They both keep their voices down for Hank. Connor stares at Gavin, not being able to get enough. "Though, I still want to know about why you hate androids, or well, why you hate Elijah Kamski." 

Gavin sighs and sits on the bed, interlacing their fingers. "It's a long story, but basically, Elijah is my brother. We had a big fight and yeah. I promise I'll really explain it later, but for now, I think Hank should be woken up." 

"How about this. You tell me about you and Kamski later but you kiss me a few more times before waking Hank." Connor says, grinning up at him. 

Gavin pretends to think for a second before nodding. "I think I can agree with that." Then Gavin leans back down, cupping his face gently. 

It's much softer than before and Connor feels like he's floating on a cloud. 

"Oh, Jesus Christ Connor!" Hank shouts and both Gavin and Connor burst into laughter. 

[smolgloves]

G/t inktober day 22: In the snow

Icy winds blew furiously as Johnny watched from inside the warm cabin. He didn't realize the blizzard would hit this hard when he decided to take his family to Alaska. Still, it was a nice little vacation before he’d have to go back on tour with his friends. 

Johnny poured warm tea into his mug, hoping it would soothe him back into bed. He shuffles over into the dark living room and slumped down onto the chair. As he scrolled through the internet on his phone, the winds outside groaned louder and louder. Then, as Johnny was about to take a sip of his tea, he heard a shriek outside followed by the sound of something hitting his window. 

He immediately jumped up, staring at the window with wide eyes. That was a scream of a girl, and it sounded very close to the cabin. 

Johnny tiptoed over to the window, and peered out. Nothing but snow heavily coating the trees outside. No footprints either. Could Johnny have been imagining it? No, he couldn't have been, the scream was clear as day. 

Johnny wasn't sure if the person meant harm or not, but he didn't like the idea of someone lurking outside of his cabin in the middle of the night. He had to go out and investigate.

After putting on his boots and coat, he shuffled over to the door, opening slowly, just in case someone out there had mal intentions. After nothing happened, he crept out of the cabin and scanned his surroundings. 

“Anybody out here?” Johnny called out. 

“C...Carr…” A voice groaned out. 

Johnny cocked his head over to the noise that was coming near the window. There was something purple in the snow. 

As Johnny got closer to inspect the object, he could see it looked humanoid, like a doll. It looked like it had long and thin, clear looking wings attached to the back of it, but they bent back in a way he assumed they weren't meant to bend. Was there a child out here, playing in the snow in the middle of the night?  

“Hello?” He called out again. “I think you dropped your doll!” Without thinking, Johnny wrapped his fingers around the doll. The wings grazed against his palm. 

 The doll suddenly screamed out and flung itself forward, as if it was trying to get away from him. It fell face down into the snow

Johnny yelped and stumbled away from the doll. It was the same scream from earlier. He inched closer to the doll, and carefully nudged it over to it's side. Looking closely, the doll looked like a girl, with long purple hair, and pointed ears. She must have been about four inches tall. Her face was twisted in a pained expression. Her chest rose and fell heavily, she was alive.

“No fucking way.” Johnny muttered. There was a real, live fairy in the snow! She was dressed in thin plum colored clothes that could not keep her warm. There was no way she could survive out here, so Johnny gently scooped her onto his palm; this time, making sure her wings didn't touch him and quickly rushed back into the cabin.

~~~~~~~ 

“This is crazy!” Johnny hissed. How could this be real? Maybe Johnny was sleep deprived or maybe he somehow go so drunk that he doesn't remember that he drank and is now hallucinating about unconscious fairies in the snow. But looking at her seemed too real. 

There she laid, curled up on a washcloth on the table. Her chest rose and fell with each steady breath she took. 

Her wings twitched and the purple fairy groaned. Johnny watched in awe as she wearily sat up, facing away from him. She scanned the room in front of her before quickly jumping to her feet. 

“Carrie!” She hissed. “Carrie, where are you? We need to get outta her bef-” 

The small girl spun around and locked eyes with Johnny. Both were too stunned to move or speak. They just started at each other for a minute, before she broke the silence 

“Oh fuck…” The fairy whispered.  

“So… who's Carrie?” 

“M...my girlfriend.” She muttered. “Where is she?”

“There's more of you?” 

“Oh god, she's still out there!” She darted to the edge of the table. “You can torture me later human, I gotta find Carrie!” 

“Wait-!” Johnny called out, but it was too late, the fairy already leapt off the table. She yelped  when she flapped her wings, realizing just how badly damaged they were. 

Johnny instinctively shot his hand out and scooped her up, before sharply depositing her back onto the table, but he kept his hand out in case she attempted to jump again. “Are you crazy? The storm is crazy out there!”

“That's exactly why I need to find her!” She said. 

“How are you gonna find her if you're wings are broken?” 

She glanced over her shoulder and slowly flapped her wings. She bit her lip from the pain. There was no way the fairy could fly with her crippled wings. Looking back at Johnny, she gave him a concerned look. “You're… going to have to rip them off.” 

“What?” 

“The only way for a fairy's wings to heal is for the old ones to be ripped off.” 

“How long would it take for them to grow back?” 

“If I'm lucky, within a few hours.” She said. “But it could take a few weeks if you don't do it right.” 

“And you're trusting me to do that?” Johnny asked. 

“Look man, I know you probably don't rip off fairy wings daily, but this is my best option of finding her.” She looked Johnny dead in the eyes and gave him a fierce, determined look. “So you're just gonna have to suck it up and do it!” 

Johnny sighed and knelt down to the fairy's level. “Alright, but can I get your name first.” 

“Luna Bloomoon.” 

“Interesting name.” Johnny replied. “I'm Johnny.”

Luna turned her back towards him and folded her wings together so it would be easier to rip them both out. “Just do it quickly.”

 His hand loomed over her wings, hesitant to even touch them. His pointer finger and thumb carefully pinched the wings. Johnny, took a deep breath. “I'm sorry.” 

With a quick jerk, Johnny tore the wings off, clear fluid poured out of the wings and her back. He could only assume that was fairy blood. Luna wailed out in pain. She slumped over to her side and curled up in a ball. 

I fucked it up! Johnny thought to himself. He knew he shouldn't have done this.  “Shit, I'll get the first aid kit!” 

~~~~~~~

Johnny carefully poured tea inside a thimble, hoping it would calm Luna's nerves after the ordeal she just went through. 

“Here.” He gently set it down for her before sitting on the couch. 

“Thank you.” She replied quietly. “Are you okay?” 

Johnny chuckled. “I should be asking you that.” 

“It wasn't as bad as it looked.” She reassured.

 “Sorry, I freaked you out like that.” 

“Don’t worry about it.” He took a big gulp of his own tea. “So, it's been awhile. Have they grown back yet?” 

Luna shook her head. 

“I'm sorry, Luna. If you want, we can look for her in the morning.” 

She let out a sad sigh. “I guess that's the best we can do now.” 

“I'm sure she'll be fine.” Johnny said, standing to his full height. “For now, let's get some rest.” 

“I don’t know if I'll be able to sleep after tonight.” Luna whimpered. 

“Same here.”

[just-another-obsessed-fangirl]

Lover (2019) Sentence Prompts

feel free to change pronouns and other specific details

How many days did I spend thinking ‘bout how you did me wrong?

Lived in the shade you were throwing ‘til all of my sunshine was gone

I couldn’t get away from you

In my feelings more than Drake

Your name on my lips, tongue-tied

Free rent, living in my mind

But then something happened one magical night

I forgot that you existed

I thought that it would kill me, but it didn’t

It isn’t love, it isn’t hate, it’s just indifference

Got out some popcorn as soon as my rep started going down

Laughed on the schoolyard as soon as I tripped up and hit the ground

I would’ve stuck around for you, would’ve fought the whole town

Would’ve been right there, front row, even if nobody came to your show

But you showed who you are

Sent me a clear message

Taught me some hard lessons, I just forget what they were

Fever dream high in the quiet of the night

Bad, bad boy, shiny toy with a price

You know that I bought it

I’m always waiting for you to be waiting below

Devils roll the dice, angels roll their eyes

What doesn’t kill me makes me want you more

It’s new, the shape of your body

It’s blue, the feeling I’ve got

It’s a cruel summer

It’s cool, that’s what I tell ‘em

No rules in breakable heaven

Hang your head low in the glow of the vending machine

We say that we’ll just screw it up in these trying times

We’re not trying

Cut the headlights

Summer’s a knife

I’m always waiting for you just to cut to the bone

If I bleed, you’ll be the last to know

I’m drunk in the back of the car

I cried like a baby coming home from the bar

Said, “I’m fine,” but it wasn’t true

I don’t wanna keep secrets just to keep you

I snuck in through the garden gate every night that summer

Just to seal my fate

I love you, ain’t that the worst thing you ever heard?

He looks up grinning like a devil

We could leave the Christmas lights up ‘til January

This is our place, we make the rules

There’s a dazzling haze, a mysterious way about you, dear

Have I known you twenty seconds or twenty years?

Can I go where you go?

Can we always be this close?

Take me out and take me home

You’re my lover

We could let our friends crash in the living room

I’m highly suspicious that everyone who sees you wants you

I’ve loved you three summers now, honey, but I want ‘em all

Ladies and gentlemen, will you please stand?

With every guitar string scar on my hand

I take this magnetic force of a man to be my lover

My heart’s been borrowed and yours has been blue

All’s well that ends well to end up with you

Swear to be overdramatic and true

You’ll save all your dirtiest jokes for me

At every table, I’ll save you a seat

I would be complex

I would be cool

They’d say I played the field before I found someone to commit to

That would be okay for me to do

Every conquest I had made would make me more of a boss to you

I’d be a fearless leader, I’d be an alpha type

When everyone believes you, what’s that like?

I’m so sick of running as fast as I can

I’d get there quicker if I was a man

I’m so sick of them coming at me again

If I was a man

I’d be the man

I hustled, put in the work

Shake their heads and question how much of this I deserve

And they would toast to me

What’s it like to brag about raking in dollars and getting bitches and models?

It’s all good if you’re bad and it’s okay if you’re mad

I’d be a bitch, not a baller

They paint me out to be bad

It’s okay that I’m mad

I’m ready for combat

I don’t want that, but what if I do?

Cruelty wins in the movies

I’ve got a hundred thrown out speeches I almost said to you

I jump from the train, I ride off alone

I never grew up, it’s getting so old

Help me hold on to you

I’ve been the archer, I’ve been the prey

Who could ever leave me, darling, but who could stay?

I search for your dark side

What if I’m alright right here?

I cut off my nose just to spite my face

I hate my reflection for years and years

I pace like a ghost

The room is on fire, invisible smoke

All of my heroes die all alone

They see right through me

Can you see right through me?

I see right through me

All the king’s horses, all the king’s men, couldn’t put me together again

All of my enemies started out friends

His footprints on the sidewalk lead to where I can’t stop

His hands around a cold glass make me wanna know that body like it’s mine

He got that boyish look that I like in a man

I am an architect, I’m drawing up the plans

It’s like I’m seventeen, nobody understands

He got my heartbeat skipping down 16th Avenue

Wanna see what’s under that attitude

I want you, bless my soul

I ain’t gotta tell him, I think he knows

I’ll make myself at home and he’ll want me to stay

He’d better lock it down or I won’t stick around

Good ones never wait

He’s so obsessed with me and, boy, I understand

Lyrical smile, indigo eyes, hand on my thigh

We could follow the sparks

I’ll drive

Where we gonna go?

You know I adore you

I’m crazier for you than I was at sixteen

I’m lost in the lights

Ripped up my prom dress

Running through rose thorns

I saw the scoreboard and ran for my life

No cameras catch my pageant smile

I counted days, I counted miles 

It’s you and me, that’s my whole world

They whisper in the hallway, “She’s a bad, bad girl”

The whole school is rolling fake dice

You play stupid games, you win stupid prizes

We’re so sad, we paint the town blue

Voted most likely to run away with you

My team is losing, battered and bruising

I see the high fives between the bad guys

You are the only one who seems to care

The damsels are depressed

Boys will be boys, then where are the wise me?

Darling, I’m scared

No cameras catch my muffled cries

I don’t really wanna fight, ‘cause nobody’s gonna win

I think you should come home

I’ll never let you go, ‘cause I know this is a fight that someday we’re gonna win

She’s a bad, bad girl

High, like your friends were the night that we first met

Went home and tried to stalk you on the internet

I’ve read all of the books beside your bed

Cold, like the shoulder that I gave you in the street

Cat and mouse for a month or two or three

Now I wake up in the night and watch you breathe

Kiss me once ‘cause you know I had a long night

Kiss me twice ‘cause it’s gonna be alright

Three times ‘cause I waited my whole life

I like shiny things, but I’d marry you with paper rings

I hate accidents except when we went from friends to this

You’re the one I want in paper rings, in picture frames, in dirty dreams

In the icy outdoor pool, when you jumped in first, I went in too

I’m with you even if it makes blue

Takes me back to the color that we painted your brother’s wall

Without all the exes, fights, and flaws

We wouldn’t be standing here so tall

I want to drive away with you

I want your complications too

I want your dreary Mondays

Wrap your arms around me, baby boy

Drunk on something stronger than the drinks in the bar

I rent a place on Cornelia Street

We were a fresh page on the desk, filling in the blanks as we go

As if the street lights pointed in an arrow head leading us home

I hope I never lose you, hope it never ends

I’d never walk Cornelia Street again

That’s the kinda heartbreak time could never mend

I get mystified by how this city screams your name

I’m so terrified of it you ever walk away

Jacket ‘round my shoulders is yours

Memorize the creaks in the floor

Back when we were card sharks

I thought you were leading me on

I packed my bags, left Cornelia Street, before you even knew I was gone

You called, showed your hand

I turned around before I hit the tunnel

Sat on the roof, you and I

You hold my hand on the street

Walk me back to that apartment years ago

We were just inside barefoot in the kitchen

Sacred new beginnings that became my religion

Saying goodbye is death by a thousand cuts

Flashbacks waking me up

I get drunk but it’s not enough

The morning comes and you’re not my baby

I look through the windows of this love even though we boarded them up

Chandelier’s still flickering here

I can’t pretend it’s okay when it’s not

I dress to kill my time

I take the long way home

I ask the traffic lights if it’ll be alright, they say, “I don’t know”

What once was ours is no one’s now

The only thing we share is this small town

It was a great love, one for the ages

If the story’s over, why am I still writing pages?

My heart, my hips, my body, my love

Tryna find a part of me that you didn’t touch

Gave up on me like I was a bad drug

Now I’m searching for signs in a haunted club

Our songs, our films, united we stand 

Our country, guess it was a lawless land

Quiet my fears with a touch of your hand

Paper cut stings from out paper-thin plans

My time, my wine, my spirit, my trust

Tryna find a part of me you didn’t take up

Gave you so much, but it wasn’t enough

But I’ll be alright, it’s just a thousand cuts

I love my hometown as much as Motown

Something happened, I heard him laughing

I saw the dimples first and then I heard the accent

They say home is where the heart is, but that’s not where mine lives

You know I love a London boy

He likes my American smile

Like a child when our eyes meet

Darling, I fancy you

I guess all the rumors are true

Boy, I fancy you

Now I love high tea

You can find me in the pub

We are watching rugby with his school friends

Show me a gray sky, a rainy cab ride

Babes, don’t threaten me with a good time

God, I love the English

Doesn’t have to be Louis V up on Bond Street

Stick with me, I’m your queen

The buttons of my coat were tangled in my hair

I didn’t tell you I was scared

That was the first time we were there

Holy orange bottles, each night I pray to you

Desperate people find faith

Now I pray to Jesus too

Soon you’ll get better

You’ll get better soon ‘cause you have to

I know delusion when I see it in the mirror

You like the nicer nurses

You make the best of a bad deal

I just pretend it isn’t real

I’ll paint the kitchen neon

I’ll brighten up the sky

I know I’ll never get it, there’s not a day that I won’t try

I hate to make this all about me, but who am I supposed to talk to?

What am I supposed to do if there’s no you?

This won’t go back to normal, if it ever was

It’s been years of hoping

I keep saying it because I have to

You’ll get better

We were crazy to think that this could work

Remember how I said I’d die for you?

We were stupid to jump in the ocean separating us

Remember how I’d fly to you?

I can’t talk to you when you’re like this

Staring out the window like I’m not your favorite town

I’m New York City

I still do it for you, babe

They all warned us about times like this

The road gets hard and you get lost when you’re led by blind faith

We might just get away with it

Religion’s in your lips

Even if it’s a false god, we’d still worship

The altar is my hips

We’d still worship this love

I know heaven’s a thing, I go there when you touch me, honey

Hell is when I fight with you

We can patch it up good

Make confessions and we’re begging for forgiveness

Got the wine for you

You can’t talk to me when I’m like this

Daring you to leave me just so I can try and scare you

You’re the West Village

You still do it for me, babe

You are somebody that I don’t know

Taking shots at me like it’s Patrón

Damn, it’s 7 AM

Say it in the street, that’s a knock-out

Say it in a Tweet, that’s a cop-out

I ain’t tryna mess with your self-expression

I’ve learned a lesson that stressing and obsessing ‘bout somebody else is no fun

Snakes and stones never broke my bones

You need to calm down

You’re being too loud

Can you just not step on my gown?

You’re coming at my friends like a missile

Why are you mad when you could be glad?

Sunshine on the street at the parade

You would rather be in the dark ages

Making that sign must’ve taken all night

You just need to take several seats

Try to restore the peace

Control your urges to scream about all the people you hate

Shade never made anybody less gay

We see you over there on the internet

Comparing all the girls who are killing it

We figured you out

We all know now we all got crowns

I blew things out of proportion, now you’re blue

Put you in jail for something you didn’t do

I pinned your hands behind your back

Thought I had reason to attack, but no

Fighting with a true love is boxing with no gloves

Chemistry ‘til it blows up, ‘til there’s no us

Why’d I have to break what I love so much?

It’s on your face and I’m to blame

It’s all me in my head

I’m the one who burned us down

It’s not what I meant

Sorry that I hurt you

I don’t wanna do this to you

I don’t wanna lose this with you

It’s all me, just don’t go

Meet me in the afterglow

It’s so excruciating to see you low

Just wanna lift you up and not let you go

This ultraviolet morning light below tells me this love is worth the fight

I lived like an island, punished you with silence

Went off like sirens

Tell me that you’re still mine

Tell me that we’ll be just fine even when I lose my mind

Tell me that it’s not my fault

Tell me that I’m all you want even when I break my heart

I promise that you’ll never find another like me

I know that I’m a handful

I know I never think before I jump

You’re the kind of guy the ladies want

There’s a lot of cool chicks out there

I know that I went psycho on the phone

I never leave well enough alone

Trouble’s gonna follow where I go

One of these things is not like the others

When it comes to a lover

I’m the only one of me

Baby, that’s the fun of me

You’re the only one of you

Baby, that’s the fun of you

I promise that nobody’s gonna love you like me

I know I tend to make it about me

I know you never get just what you see

I will never bore you, baby

There’s a lot of lame guys out there

We had that fight out in the rain

You ran after me and called my name

I never wanna see you walk away

Living in winter, I am your summer

Hey kids, spelling is fun!

There ain’t no I in “team”, but you know there is a “me”

You can’t spell “awesome” without “me”

School bell rings, walk me home

Sidewalk chalk covered in snow

Lost my gloves, you give me one

“Wanna hang out?” Yeah, sounds like fun

Video games, you pass me a note, sleeping in tents

It’s nice to have a friend

Light pink sky, up on the roof

Sun sinks down, no curfew

20 questions, we tell the truth

You’ve been stressed out lately, yeah, me too

Something gave you the nerve to touch my hand

Church bells ring, carry me home

Rice on the ground looks like snow

Call my bluff, call you “Babe”

Have my back every day

Stay in bed the whole weekend

My love was as cruel as the cities I lived in

Everyone looked worse in the light

There are so many lines that I’ve crossed unforgiven

I’ll tell you the truth, but never goodbye

I don’t wanna look at anything else now that I saw you

I don’t wanna think of anything else now that I thought of you

I’ve been sleeping so long in a 20-year dark night 

Now I see daylight

Luck of the draw only draws the unlucky

I became the butt of the joke

I wounded the good and I trusted the wicked

Clearing the air, I breathed in the smoke

Maybe you ran with the wolves and refused to settle down

Maybe I’ve stormed out of every single room in this town

Threw out our cloaks and our daggers

Because it’s morning now

It’s brighter now

I can still see it all in my mind

All of you, all of me, intertwined

I once believed love would be black and white (but it’s golden)

I can still see it all in my head

Back and forth from New York, sneaking in your bed

I once believed love would be burning red

It’s golden like daylight

You gotta step into the daylight and let it go

I wanna be defined by the things that I love

Not the things I hate

Not the things I’m afraid of

The things that haunt me in the middle of the might

You are what you love

[pjdredful]

The AV Club

Chapter 7

 "So what are you going to do about that Tony guy?" I have no idea. I don't like the idea of taking him up on his offer to help me. It will be hard to trust him when he's been lying his pants off since day one. I shrug and rest my head against the warm glass of the window. I can tell that Mo is trying to keep my mind off the fact that we're almost to my house so I give the thought my full attention.

 "He says he can help me but how do I know he's not just trying to use me. Or that he even knows what he's talking about?" I shake my head more firmly. No. I don't want his help at all. "I think we should stick with what we know and my mom's journal. We're got a few years of research and the internet what more do we really need?"

 The underworld can't be that big and bad can it? I mean we can hold our own when we need to and maybe I'll learn how to control my…ability or whatever by myself. My gaze shifts to Lirae in the seat next to me who looks thoughtful before nodding. "Well I don't think we should trust the guy. What do we really know about him? Is he even a therapist for real or is that just a cover to get close to you?"  

Huh. Well now I feel really weirded out. It never even crossed my mind that he wasn't a real therapist. Not that I had plans to continue being his patient now and I never really told him anything in the first place but I still feel all kinds of violated. "I don't know. If he's not, he's really working the long game pretty hard. He's not the only therapist in the office and he sees other people."

 Mo pipes up from the driver's seat as we roll to a stop at a light a few blocks from my street. "Well if he's the real deal he'll have a digital footprint somewhere. I can spend some time digging around tonight." I nod my agreement at that. It's a good idea. Even if I never speak to him again it's good to know who's out there that knows about me and this stuff. "Not much else we can do other than follow him around for a few days but that'd be a little hard considering he knows what you look like and we all have school."

 The car lurches forward as the light turns green and I frown. Man. I was totally thinking about Nancy Drew'ing it and following him around. "I might actually have that covered." I give Lirae a raised brow and she shrugs lightly. "What? I know a guy who could do it for cheap." I roll my eyes and snort because Lirae always knows a person who can do something shady. Wait. That includes me too. Hm. Well that will teach me to throw stones from my crystal manse.  My stomach sinks a little when I see my dad's truck in the driveway. Mo parks at the curb, his engine idling roughly and loudly.

 "Dude you gotta get that shit fixed its embarrassing." Mo just flips Lirae off as she slides out of the car after me. The car could be held together with duct tape and prayers and only roll downhill but Mo would still love it. It's not actually that far off from my description and I make a mental note to ask Jo-lynn for the name of our mechanic. Just in case Mo needs it. I take the steps up to the porch heavily and sigh. I warm hand slips in to mine and I stop at the doormat. "Hey, it's gonna be okay Evie. You know that right?"

 I turn my back on the house, preferring not to look at it for the moment. Lirae tugs my hand lightly and moves to stand in front of me. Well. This is a much better view anyway. "Yeah I know. I'm still kind of butthurt but you're right, they love me." I tug Lirae closer and touch my forehead to hers. "Thanks for walking me to the door but you know nothing would have happened to me from the car to here, right?" Lirae gives me a slightly guilty look when I call her out on it. I've let it go for the past few days but ever since my beacon status became active and especially after that thing with the weird fox guy this morning I haven't been alone except to pee. And even then one of the boys or Lirae was standing just outside the door waiting for me. That could get old fast.

 Lirae leans in and kisses me, trapping my lip between her teeth playfully for a second. "Maybe I just wanted to scandalize your dad a little bit." Oh. Well. If that's the case then probably it's not so bad then. I chuckle and cup her face for another kiss. I'm thoroughly enjoying the softness of her full lips and the scent of her shampoo as her soft long curls blow around us in the wind. I'm enjoying it a little too much for Mo's liking because he honks the horn impatiently. Oops. Kinda forgot he was her ride home.

 We both turn to give him irritated looks but I take a step back with a sigh. "Guess we'll have to talk about that some more later."

 "We are definitely talking about that later. So tomorrow I'm gonna go see my guy about Tony. You should come with me." Probably I'd go anywhere she asked me to but I just nod and steal one last kiss. Lirae pulls away gives my hand one last squeeze before lightly bouncing down the stairs and jogging to the car. I watch them pull away before turning back to the house. I might as well get it over with. A few steps in the door I can hear hushed voices go silent and my step mom pokes her head out of the kitchen.

 "I thought I heard the door." She makes her way out of the kitchen toward me. Jo-lynn stops just short of hugging me and arranges a lock of my hair awkwardly as if it's the only gesture she thinks will be safe. "I'm glad you're back, are you hungry? I wasn't sure if you'd be back tonight but I made pesto tortellini and chicken…just in case." That's my favorite dish and she made it special for me. I feel like an utter pill for not realizing, or not wanting to realize how much she really cares about me before. I don't know I'm hugging her until Jo-lynn gives a surprised but pleased exclamation. "Oh, honey, if I had known you liked it that much I would have made it for you special before."

 The joke doesn't keep her from hugging me back, or stop her from sniffling just a little but it does make me clear my throat and step back a little. "I'm starving." My stomach gives a loud growl as proof and she chuckles, poking my belly with a finger.

 "You could use with some feeding. You're gone two days and you look like a stick. Come sit down and eat, your dad hasn't had dinner yet either." She leads me in to the kitchen where my dad is sitting at the table looking tired and busted as he's reaching over for the garlic bread. "Frank! You can't wait five minutes? Evie, honey go wash your hands. Honestly Frank I can't leave you alone for a second."

 My dad's shoulders sink and he leans back in his chair with a grunt. "I was just making sure it was warm." That is the worst excuse ever. I chuckle as I drop my bag on the floor and wash my hands in the kitchen sink. At least he doesn't sound angry, just playfully annoyed. "You don't hurry kiddo I'm eating your serving too." Well. I can't let that happen. It's pesto tortellini.

 "Dunno if you're fast enough old man." I steal his fork right out of his hand as I sit down at the table across from my stepmom at my dad's right side. He half chuckles at that and takes his fork back with a jerk. It’s familiar. Safe. And I am so freaking relieved about it. I really didn’t want to get into any deep discussions and I for sure don’t want to fight with them. Either of them. Maybe taking the weekend to stay at the clubhouse was the best thing I could have done. For all of us.

 "You hear the mouth on this kid?" Jo-lynn doesn't even bother to hide her happy grin as she watches us playing at the table.

 "Hm. You'd think she was a Rossi or something." We both give her identical mock offended stares before dissolving in to laughter. Jo-lynn piles a shallow pasta bowl high and my stomach growls again. Oh God. It smells so good. My dad holds out his hand expectantly when she's done placing a side of bread artfully on the plate but she passes it across to me. "What? You could use with skipping a meal everyone once in a while, if Evie doesn't eat, her stomach will keep us up all night."

 "Hey!" There's another round of chuckles but we settle down and dig in. I take a slow bite, savoring it before I just suck it all in to my face like a Hoover vacuum. Oh. God. It's so good. My eyes cross and I hum in appreciation the same time my dad does. Probably Jo-lynn could die of happiness right now the way she's looking at us. I'll say this for Jo, she is an amazing cook, and not so bad of a mom either.

 About halfway through my ENORMUS plate of tortellini my dad clears his throat and starts shifting in his seat. Uh oh. I knew it couldn't be so easy as joking fun times like we'd all just forget about the argument. I take a deep breath and lean back in my seat a little. Maybe if I keep chewing I won't have to do any talking. I think he might be just as uncomfortable as I am because my dad makes a frustrated grunting sound and scratches at his jaw. Jo-lynn watches him subtly for a second before smiling a bit at me.

 "Evie, your dad wants to tell you something. Go on Frank." The last is a little more direct and I stop my chewing and look at my dad. He looks like he wants to be anywhere but here right now. I know the feeling.

 "It's just that um, I'm glad you're back kid. House wasn't the same without you."

 I put my fork down slowly and straighten my back. "You mean because you didn't get woken up by my nightmares or the police?" I don't say it with an attitude because I know that my life and my particular circumstances are no peach to deal with. It might hurt to hear him say it but I can't blame him for feeling that way. Even I feel that way about myself sometimes. My dad rests his forearms on the table and looks at me fully for the first time in I don't know how long.

 "I'm sorry I said those things, Peanut. I was just really mad because…well because I'm scared that I will lose you like I lost your mom." He hasn't called me Peanut since he put mom away. I look at my silverware, playing with my setting as I nod once.

 "That's a valid fear I guess." I hate to admit it but I could end up like my mom. It's kind of terrifying to think about so I try not to dwell on it but it keeps popping up in the back of my mind. If I had a Guardian it would be okay but the only one available is Tony and well. That's just not an option right now.

 "No damn it, no it is not. You're not your mom, Evie. You might look like her and you might have her great big heart but you've got my stubborn streak. You're stronger than she was, and you're stronger than I am now. We can do this, we can get you all the help you want and need. It doesn't…" He trails off and I look up at him struggling to articulate something difficult. "I don't have to make the same mistakes I did with your mother."

 I think my heart breaks a little hearing him admit that. Jo-lynn rests a hand on his arm reassuringly, letting him know she's here for him. Just like she always has been. Like she's always been here for both of us. "I think that you did the best you could then, Dad. And I think you're doing a pretty dang good job with what ya got going on right now. But..." He quirks his mouth in to a half grin and nods his head.

 "But probably I could still try harder." I nod at that accepting his implied apology and acknowledging that he could be more present in my life. I know he loves me, and I've never doubted that but he drifted after mom. I missed him and he's been here the entire time.  The sound of Jo-lynn blowing her nose and sniffling through tears makes us both shift uncomfortably. Look. We're a passionate people but we're not big on deep expressions of love here. “It’s not that I didn’t want you to have your mom’s stuff Evie. I just…I wasn’t ready for you to have it.”

 I lower my head a little and shrug at that. I want to be angry. I want to be really angry. I just don’t have it in me right now. “That doesn’t make it okay for me, Dad. There are things I need to know. That I haven’t been able to understand and no one can explain it to me better than mom could. Keeping things a secret from me isn’t helping me. Or any of us.” I know I have to get back to reading her journal. Especially since I pitched a fit about it and all. It’s just that maybe like my dad, I’m just not ready to read it yet. “Maybe probably I could have tried not to throw a tantrum about it though.” He gives me a slow grin that I return knowing that while we’re not one hundred percent okay right this second, we’re gonna be.

 "You two. Peas in a pod. Eat your dinner it's getting cold." She blows her nose again and I stab a tortellini ruthlessly and shove it in my mouth. Alright. That wasn't so bad. A little heartbreaking but not terrible. And my dad called me Peanut and wants to be there for me. There's just one problem. I'm eventually going to have to get around to telling him and Jo-lynn what's really happening. I chew meditatively for a few minutes before Jo-lynn composes herself enough to derail my thought train entirely. "Honey now that you've you know, come out, there are going to have to be some new rules about girls staying over."

 The tortellini gets stuck in my throat when I suck in a surprised breath and I have to cough a few times to clear it. Uh. Why are we talking about this? What's happening right now? I look at my dad in a panic as he continues to shovel food in to his mouth as if Jo-lynn didn't just refer to the idea of me getting down with a girl during a sleepover. He stops to slap a big beefy hand on my back a few times to unstick the tortellini in my throat then goes back to eating. I continue to stare at him until he looks at me.

 "Well don't look at me. You're never coming home knocked up, that's good enough for me."

 "Frank!" Oh God. Oh. My. God. I can’t handle this. Where is that earth rending portal to another universe when you need it? I tap the ground tentatively hopeful at my feet with the toe of my shoe. Nope. Still solid. Damn I'm stuck here. "This is serious, don't you care about your daughter's dating habits?" Oh well. I don't date so that's not really an issue is it? Although now maybe that will be changing since I have this unnamed…thing…with Lirae.

 My dad sighs and grunts before turning to look at me, fork in one hand, beer in the other. "Look kid, my advice to you is pretty much the same. No means no, and if someone doesn't like it ya kick 'em right in the crotchular area. Or you know maybe…" He makes a vague boob gesture then frowns as the idea fully hits him. "You know maybe we just don't do the whole dating thing at all until you're 35."

 My stepmom sighs and swats at his shoulder with the back of her hand. "Tsk. Frank. She's doesn't have to be a spinster because she's gay."

 "OKAY!" I clear my throat and push my plate away a little trying to interrupt the flow of this particular conversation. "How about we just say I don't do anything that you wouldn't allow me to do with a boy and leave it at that? Please?" Thank God none of my friends are here to see this. Orson would find my discomfort entirely too entertaining. My dad just shrugs, I think he's just relieved he's not likely to be a grandfather any time soon. Jo-lynn considers then gives me a slight nod.

 "You know you can talk to us about anything. Your father and I are not like our parents were. We're a little more hip with the times. You can tell us about girls…"

 "No! No, thank you. Um. That's great and I'm glad but I'm good. We don't need to do that. Like. Ever. Please." Please God let's not do that. My dad reaches over and pats Jo-lynn's arm lightly as if to say there there, we've done enough needling for one night.

 "Pass the bread please." And just like that we move on to something much more important. Food. Guess I didn't need that inter-dimensional rift to hell after all.

[skabunny]

2019 - A Beginning - Redux

If you saw my message this afternoon that a new blog is posted, technical difficulties happened and basically that piece evaporated into thin air. Here is a hastily written replacement that basically says the same thing. If you didn’t know that the piece evaporated, please continue as usual.

Greetings 2019 -

Humans make a big deal about all kinds of silly things related to the passing of time. As a new calendar year approaches we get reflective and decide to start our lives over. On Sunday we talked about my 2018. It was full of adventure, both happy and sad, and as the world turned another year older and that number changed I found it was time to reflect and really check in with myself on what I wanted to focus on for 2019.

Now I’ve said before that I don’t believe in affirmations and that extends to new years resolutions. We can’t change ourselves if we believe we have to change to love who we are. It’s a cycle that is inherently toxic. When I decided I wanted to work on myself for real I started looking at ways to reflect and engage instead of just criticize and I learned that I’m pretty epic. There are a lot of things I really and truly love about myself and some things that I really and truly need to work on. To that end I start in January with the Mike Dooley program for Loving Your Life in 30 Days. I’ve found it helps me reflect and work on my goals appropriately and with love. That doesn’t mean I go in wholesale for everything he teaches, but I value the 30 days of reflection, meditation, and the opportunity to really sink my teeth into what I want to work on and what I really love about who I am.

Before I get into the 12 goals I’m going to start my year off with a couple things you should know. I believe my goals are flexible. They will continue to grow and adjust as I do. I may not find that I’m phsyically able to do all the things I want to or I may find that I exceed my own expectations and blow a goal out of the water. So we’ll check in on these goals throughout the year to see how I’m doing and to see what changes/ needs to change. Below are 12 of my goals for 2019.

Read more - This year I’d really like to read 27 books. I haven’t been reading as much over the last few years as I’d like and I really feel like it’s time to tackle that and make it a real part of my life. I love stories and I miss having the world at my finger tips. More than anything though I’d really like to learn about the world that I’m not a part of. I have a lot of ideas about what that looks like, but I’m not going to keep guessing. It’s time to learn instead of wonder.

Watch more movies - I love storytelling. I love the different mediums that can take and I really love movies. Lately I watch more shows than movies so my goal for the year is 162 Movies. It’s not totally unreasonable and I think I watched 200 last year, but I think it’s worth a shot.

Slow down - I really need to take more time for myself, a chance to meditate, recharge, journal, just reflect or learn new things. I don’t do this enough and I think it’s really time to tackle some of those emotional things that come with being 34 and getting ready to make another time based shift in life.

Journal - I really got into this in 2018. I tried bullet journaling and really liked it. I think it’s a great opportunity to grow and reflect and while sure I’ll have those for the rest of forever it’s also a chance to really work things out and I need to do more of that.

Find a new job - This one is hard. I had the opportunity to start something new and I really like it. It’s science in the most fun ways, but I really need to grow up and start working on building an income that will let me get out of debt, support myself, travel, write, those kinds of things. It’s hard to sit here and say I want to leave where I am cause I don’t, but I think it’s important to grow and I should take those risks and grow. It’s time.

Say no and thank you - This one is on my list every year and it really is something that I take for granted when I feel totally capable of doing it. Saying no is important for more than just the peace of mind. Healthy boundaries are a necessity for sanity and I can’t always do everything, I really need to say no or I can’t or I need help, would you be able to do that please and then hold true to whatever it was that I said. On the flip side I need to make sure I’m saying thank you when I’m grateful and sometimes when I’m not. There are a lot of people who really genuinely make my life incredible and without them I’d always be a puddle of depression and sadness and would forget that there is good in the world. And while it’s not their job to make me feel great I’m so very pleased every day that they’re apart of my life and should celebrate that.

Work out - This is a hard one to put on the list, but please notice it doesn’t say lose weight. I’d really like to get my body strong, the weight would just be a bonus. As you’ve read, I have FAI. It makes things very complicated and I’m facing a very real possibility of a hip replacement before I’m 40. I’d like to work out and get strong arms and a strong core to help keep me up and if I happen to lose weight awesome, but really I’d like my body to be strong and able to do things in case my hips don’t support me. I’ll be really reasonable about this, but it’s something that I really do need to work on.

Cooking - The other part to this whole WTF body issue is the food that I eat and that means cooking my own food as much as I can. I need to learn what my body can eat, what makes me feel good and what I should be cutting completely - like tomatoes. I also just super love it and would really love to do more of it. It’s awesome to see what food can become once you stop looking at the rules and start thinking with your stomach.

WRITE! - This should be such a simple thing to do, but it’s so simple sometimes I forget to do it. Included here in writing would be things like journaling, writing my lists down, blogging, working on the short stories I have outlined, and editing. I’d love to get the opportunity to make other peoples stories better.

Meet new people - For a long time my depression and anxiety have gotten in the way of meeting new people and really getting to know the world around me. I keep getting sucked into a narrative that is more or less my brain lying to me about the impact I have on the world and the opportunity that could be provided by meeting people. I’ve assumed as I’ve become sucked into more groups on Facebook, or I interact more with the same 10 people, that I’m doing the best things for myself, but really it’s time to meet new people and have new conversations, but also to take the time to listen instead of speak. There are a lot of perspectives in the world and I need to listen to more than my own.

Clean up/ Clean out - I’ve been living in between places for a long time and now that I have a home base in my bedroom it’s time I clean out all the other stuff and really cut down to the things that are going to make me happy and give me the best start for the future. This isn’t limited to things, which will be a long and exhausting process even though it’s all gotta go, but also my digital footprint and all the junk that comes with having a digital world. It’s time to go through all the paper, all the digital files, all of the stuff I have and get down to the things that make my world the best place for me.

Be Present - I use my phone a security blanket. It’s the thing I feel safest with in the whole world. It has pictures of people I love, access to the internet, and a helpful assortment of weirdos that I love and can reach out to at any time. But really my phone is too close to me and I’m too attached. It is time to find new ways to help ease my anxiety so I can be present and start doing all kinds of new and different things, that don’t include picking up my phone every 4 minutes.

There’s a lot going on in those 12 goals. Not only is it a lot to work on, but it’s a lot of work to do. I’ll check in from time to time to let you know how it’s going and what I’ve learned.

And I’d love to hear about your goals and what you’d like to accomplish this year. Leave me a note in the comments.

Happy new calendar year Adventurers!

HhG

Thank you for coming to visit and for continuing to support skaBunny Makes. This is a project I work on because I love it. If you love it and want to support, please contact me at skabunny.creative@gmail.com. You should also reach out if you have a guest post you’d like me to publish or if there are topics you would like me to cover. You can find a list of projects I’m working on in the Other Projects folder and you can listen to me chatter, mostly at myself 3 days a week on Twitch - Mondays, Thursdays from 7:30 to 9:30 pm and Saturdays from 7 pm to 11:30 pm.

New blog posts will be posted on Sundays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. Some of it will be new content, new series, new images, but we’re still gonna talk about real life here. That’s not going to change. We will still cover loads of things that aren’t easy, mental health, life choices, living with your body, new families, life, changes in the world and all kinds of other things. Life is an adventure, this one is mine.

[broomswept-thoughts]

Been a while since I’ve written on tumblr, especially after I deleted it from my phone. Just gonna write a little bit before work...

Was super exhausted yesterday after organizing and doing a whole sac, but at least now I can say that I *can* do it on my own. It was tiring after histogrossing, but c’est la vie.

I guess I was supposed to contact that guy from Kazahkstan but idk what’s up with that? Sigh. A part of me is just tired again from strangers online. I’m just apathetic and more apathetic these days. Romance is just wack oops. The few happy things that happen are feeling my body get more fit/ prettier, talking with Tammy, cooking something that tastes good every once in a while, and sunny weather (which has been DISAPPOINTINGLY scarce but oh well).

I want weather to improve so I can feel better when I’m outside lol. I also feel impatient about medical school; I want to hurry up and know what my future’s gonna look like lol. I’m also tired but also energized? Don’t know what’s up. Maybe I’m deficient in nutrients lol. Haah. Feeling tired and more tired. I think I need to set up more things to look forward to.

Talking with people fills up the time but it’s also an investment emotionally I guess. I feel like I just float around people now... Don’t feel grounded in relationships truly. What do I feel? I want a relationship (or at least I wanted one),  but nowadays I’m just cynical of it even being worth anything that wouldn’t drag me down/ would just make me more tired. I don’t know, people seems so temporary, and maybe it’s just the nature of the internet to be both forever and ephemeral, but it feels grounded in so little. I ghost, they ghost, everyone ghosts but also the footprints of conversations still are kept somewhere deep in the crevices of the internet too. I guess I just want to have more fun and happy things to keep me floating above a chaotic whirl of depression and isolation. Like if life is supposed to be a balance between happy and upsetting, then I want to have more happy things to even out the lows/ flat-lining of my life. I’m happiest when I’m busy with something fun at least once every two weeks, I think. Otherwise I think I’ll just shrivel up and die inside.

What am I feeling? Is it loneliness? The lack of ~companionship~? Is this something that I can fill up through friends or is it a strictly romantic thing that I crave? I think I want constant attention, is the reality. But also it hits a wall of tiredness and emotional bluntedness, where I don’t want to deal with people who will drift away anyway.A part of me just feels like I give myself away too much and I want to huddle up and not bother talking with people. Just ignore the world... I want attention but then when I get it, I ignore it. Or maybe I want to relish in the feeling of safety that someone is waiting on me, rather than being in the vulnerable position of waiting on someone. I think that might be it, maybe it’s just a re-triggering of fears of abandonment over and over again? If that’s the case though then, I guess it’s important to clarify in my mind that when people aren’t replying, it can be for many number of reasons (rather than because they dislike you/ find you distasteful or a bore/ etc.) and even if it were to be because they personally don’t like you anymore, then that’s on them and it’s not your problem because at least now you won’t have to deal with people who simply tolerate you rather than like being around you.

Sigh. Gotta go to work. But I’ll prob continuing writing when I’m there.