#Getting Personal

[0honeybones0]

So yeah... 2024 is done and 2025 just began...

Man, so many feelings in this blog some goods some bad, this year my depression had a vendetta against me so many thoughts of my art being trash, my ideas being boring,etc. and so many little worm thoughts, not very good ones, too much bed rotting.

Twisted wonderland and Rebecca kept me at float alongside, dear mutuals and just people liking my art and commenting that made my day just more bearable, so thank you, to those i didn't talk a lot, to those i just talked once and to those i never talked.

Happy new year everybody, and remember to breath and be kind to people and yourself... does wonders.

[princessofmerchants]

The way Sarah J. Maas writes Nesta working through her anxiety, fear, and PTSD triggered by the sound of a fire crackling...the scene in ACOSF ch. 56 where Nesta asks the House to light a fire so Nesta can work through her responses to the sound, and begin to retrain her brain to accept the discomfort and separate the sound from her memory of her father's death......

This is written in a way that tells me SJM has probably experienced something like this before. It's accurate in a way that exceptionally matches my lived experience of having to work through these same things.

And it means the world to me to read a strong, badass main character experience this same thing I do.

[siampie]

Break from Writing

Hello, everyone!

For those of you that have been following my stories, I've decided to take a little break from writing for now.

I feel a little burnt out by life and work, and other things of the sort. I just need to take a little breather, that's all. Just wanted to let you know.

But don't worry,

[shirozen]

Getting close for science

[shiorimakibawrites]

Baked a cake for my aunt's birthday.

It's called a Jello Poke Cake. In this case, sugar-free jello and cake since the aunt (and mom) is diabetic. The frosting is Cool Whip which isn't sugar-free but is low-calorie enough that thin layer shouldn't hurt them.

[alicornze7]

Not an ask but ... Been seeing you liking tons of my posts ((and some of my reblogs , I think))

...Hi👀👀

uh oh...ya caught me red handed😅

Whatever you’ve just witnessed is me at my low point and doom scrolling away

...hi

[dgtn]

I’m gonna get personal here. When Jimin released Set Me Free Part 2 I was blown away. The song itself was incredible, he looked incredible, he danced incredible, the video was incredible, and the lyrics were incredible. He had such a strong message to deliver and man did he ever deliver. This was his way of saying fuck off to the doubters, the haters, the people who judged him, the people who put labels on him. He was free of all the bullshit that had held him back and he wanted everyone to know. Damn that was brave. So then FACE was released in its entirety and I was blown away again. Every song had a message and Jimin is just so so good at delivering each message. I truly was in awe of how he tackled some pretty heavy issues he had personally dealt with. He just put them out there for the world to see. Once again, incredibly brave. So now of course I’ve listened to the album countless times (truly countless). I’ve gone from listening to the lyrics and thinking bout the message Jimin delivered in his songs to relating to the message of the songs on a personal level…how I can relate to each song. And I have found that over and over I am drawn to Face-Off. Jimin talks about some pretty toxic relationship(s) in the song and realizing that it’s ok to move on from those relationships. This is such an important message, and one that is very personal to me. As I’m getting older I’m taking stock in my relationships and I have come to realize that not all relationships are healthy ones. And if someone is causing you pain, grief, anxiety, sadness you have the right to walk away. And it doesn’t matter who these people are, even family. It’s ok to look out for yourself, it’s actually better than ok. It’s healthy. That’s why Face-Off really connects with me. Jimin finally said it’s enough. And I’m at that same point. I’m putting this out there because I want people to know that it’s ok to take care of yourself and put yourself first. It may be painful for those you are saying goodbye to, but it’ll be really good for you and will help you to be happier and healthier in the long run 💜💜💜

[princessofmerchants]

It's remarkable and almost breathtaking the trust Nesta has in Cassian.

In ACOSF chapter 47, Nesta is approaching the lowest she's ever been in her life, running through Velaris away from a confrontation in which she hurt her sister and herself in the short span of a few minutes.

That Nesta allows Cassian to swoop down from the sky and carry her up and away, flying for hours curled in his arms, when she's feeling how she feels in this moment of her life...

Nesta needs to save herself — no one else can do it but her.

But to me there is no question her relationship with Cassian transforms her and pushes her to grow in the ways she needs so that she can save herself.

(And while the physical combat training is a great metaphor for what I'm referring to, it isn't precisely what I mean when I say "save herself" — I mean having the courage to face her mistakes, realize she cannot be perfect, that this fact is okay, and that choosing to live and not dissociate is the braver, stronger choice, even when doing so makes her feel weak and broken sometimes. It's coming when they reach the lake in three chapters, and then continues through the rest of the book, but it begins here with a safe person with which to begin walking toward those truths...)

Having a person like Cassian in Nesta's life who has the strength to create a scaffold of support around her at her lowest and most vulnerable...

It is a treasure and a gift. (I am speaking from personal experience here as well.)

Because as we will see as they begin to hike in the Sleeping Mountains, Nesta's will is beaten to the ground by her own broken thoughts, to the point where she isn't able to decode the world around her accurately. She requires care and a firm, loving accompaniment through the darkness she needs to traverse to get to the other side. That person for her is Cassian.

[muneca-lemon-steppa]

Today is an odd day for me.

Today was supposed to be my wedding day.

Instead of getting married:

I took my brother to baseball practice.

I decorated a Christmas tree with my mom.

I’m getting dinner with my brothers and my best friend.

We are having a sleepover at my parents house.

Making garland. Playing board games. And watching twilight.

Tomorrow I’ll wake up. Not as a wife. Not married to stranger. Not married to someone I thought I knew.

I’ll wake up in my bed next to my best friend. Have breakfast with my family before I go to church.

I’ll wake up free. Not married. But free. I’ll wake up with a fullness and self love that I didn’t have even before I met my ex. I’ll wake up safe. And loved. And all my own.

Today is the best day of my life.

[solarianvoidthearoace]

For reference, my current mailbox/ voicemail message is a play on the one from Welcome to Night Vale Ep.65

My current voice mail is (approximately translated) “Hello, you are speaking to the voicemail of [legal name]. That might seem like a small thing to you. But consider that you first needed to learn how to use a phone and who I am in the first place. Gratulate yourself on that! And leave your message after the tone.”

[jaesqueso]

personal disclosure for the ones who are interested:

basically my life has been a mess for the past few months, we thought my mom's cancer was gone but it just reallocated, my brother was diagnosed with als, my dad has being going through financial problems on his company due to shitty lawyers, and all of this has messed up my mental health to a point i think i might have a personality disorder, which has screwed my will to do stuff, whether it's work or any hobby i have, i want to write, i have so many ideas and storylines built up in my head but i cannot bring myself to stare at those documents, luckily i've been managing school quite well which makes me believe this is what i'm supposed to do

anyway, just felt like i needed to vent, and i feel like i owed you guys an explanation on why i've been so mia, i just want to make it clear that i'm not going away, i'm just taking things slow, and if you care enough to have made it this far: thank you for your support and i love you ❤️

[foxingpeculiar]

Some facts about my dad:

No one knows how old he is. He was born in a rural village in India sometime in the 1930s, probably. But there is conflicting information on exactly when. Every time I go home, I hear a different number.

When I was 16, in an attempt to make conversation, he asked me “Did I ever tell you I used to watch people die?” His dad was in law enforcement, so in his early 20s, he followed in those footsteps and got a job as a lower-court judge in Pakistan. My understanding is that, like, real trials and shit were (are?) handled by higher judges, and you had to have a law degree for that. But there were also judges that did shit like arraignments and traffic court and that kind of thing. And you could just do that. And that’s what he did. And one of his duties as such was to be the official attendant who signed off on executions. Like “Yep, I was here. This guy is dead, officially.” And that was mostly hanging at the time, so he’s been to a few dozen of those.

In addition to India and Pakistan, he’s also lived in Saudi Arabia, England, and Canada, before he came to the US.

When his family moved to Pakistan after the partition, he smuggled gold across the border. He told me a story about bribing a cobbler and having special shoes rigged up with compartments in the heels. He would’ve been… maybe 19 or so, at the time?

Somehow, he ended up working for the DoD and had top security clearance. He’s met at least two presidents and probably knows some crazy shit, but never talks about it. Oh, he also shook hands with Elizabeth II once, but that was before he came to America (it was when she went to Pakistan in 1961).

He saw 9/11 happen. The Pentagon part of it. He actually worked in the Pentagon a lot, but was fortunately at an office across the street at the time (although that was a stressful few hours before we confirmed he was okay). In the wake of that, he also did some translation work for the government, because he speaks Arabic (and Urdu and Hindi and Farsi).

He has 4 Master’s Degrees. I know one is History and one is Library Science. I’m not sure about the other two.

He once told me his aunt was possessed by a demon. I have not been able to get much further information from him on the subject.

He was still married to his first wife when he met my mom. They got married a couple of years later. She was not quite 21. He would’ve been somewhere between 35 and 42 or so. She did not know he was still married at that point until I also found out, which was the Christmas before last, when I was 39. They’re both like “eh, it was 50 years ago. Whatever.” about it. But it does explain some things.

He’s probably significantly on the spectrum. But grew up where/when that was not a thing. But he used to be very intense about things being a certain way. To the point that all my friends were scared of him, growing up. I know him better than that—I’ve never been scared of him. It’s more like… he needed a certain order to make sense of the world. But he has also chilled out SO much since he retired (and got on anxiety meds), it’s kind of remarkable.

There’s so much more. And so much I don’t even know (though I am trying, and he seems more open to… being open at this stage. He could be as old as 94. He seems to sense the weight of that).

All this to say that I’m kind of going through a thing where I realize my life is probably a lot weirder than I’ve given it credit for, and there’s shit there I need to unpack. And like… that starts at home. (And this is not even getting into my mom. Whom I love as deeply as one should, but she is also goddamn crazy.)

[atths--twice]

20 Fanfic Questions

I was tagged by @baronessblixen during the craziness of Fictober and I didn't get a chance to read her responses to her own questions until today. I also had the time to answer my own 20 questions. 😊

1. How many works do you have on ao3?

283 

2. What's your total ao3 word count?

1,638,714. And the vast majority of those words have been written on my phone. I would say… about 95% of them. (Please imagine a blinking eye gif here, because whaaaaaat…😳)

3. What fandoms do you write for?  

Mainly The X-Files, but I have written one for Sex Education and also a Mary Poppins story. (Bert and Mary were my first ship. I saw it in the movie theater in 1980 when I was five years old.  Even that young, I had a little shipper heart because I wanted them to be together so badly.)

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Per Cor Meum 

Soulmates 

Shared Kisses

Green Is Not Your Color

After the Credits

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?  

Yes and no. I used to be much better about it, but I so often don’t respond on ao3, but I do on social media outlets. I think it’s more the ease of it and the accessibility of a social media site. But I absolutely love and appreciate every single comment. I cry or laugh over them and always share them with my bestie. They make me incredibly happy. ❤️

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?  

I don’t think I have any. I try to leave the story with a somewhat happy ending, or at least a hopeful one. That’s always my goal because… maybe there’s hope. 

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?  

Hmm… most of them. Like I said, I try to leave them hopeful and at least attempt happiness where it may not have been previously. 

8. Do you get hate on fics?  

I have before, but only a couple. The one that sticks with me the most though was from an anonymous person who left a comment that said when an idea is discussed on social media and a story is suggested to be written about said discussion, I’m always quick to get a story out, before giving others a chance to do the same. So as a result, I’m a horrible person who writes “insipid” stories just to say I did it first and “you just… you SUCK at it.”

When I first read that, it hurt for sure, because it made the time I spent writing a story that immediately popped into my head and would not stop begging for my attention, seem trivial and small. It made me feel as though my writing was inconsequential and I should stop wasting my time doing it. It put a dark cloud over me for a wee bit, but then I got past it, though it still sticks in the back of my head there and I think about it from time to time. But I’m still here and still writing stories, almost at 300 now, so whoever wrote that can go ahead and get fucked. ✌

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Yes I do, but not always. And I suppose by kind, it means mild or hardcore, so I would say somewhere in between. 😂

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written? 

No. I’ve not done that as of yet. 

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Stolen, no. But I was approached by someone about the dialogue that I used in a story being similar to what they had written in their own story. But as I pointed out to them, it was the dialogue from the show itself, so… 

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

I don’t think so. 

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I have a few times! It’s fun and I enjoyed working with all the writers. 

14. What's your all-time favorite ship?

Mulder and Scully for sure. I adore them so much. 

15. What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

I have a couple that I do want to finish so badly, I just need to do it. So, I’m going to choose to say, please continue being patient with me. 😊

16. What are your writing strengths?

Humor, I think. And banter. I love writing fun dialogue and imagining the way it would be said for real. 

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

I think, without sounding like I’m being pompous, and also because I've been told by a few people, I’m pretty good at creating a story a person can fall into, imagine and enjoy. So, I think my personal weakness is sticking to one story until it’s done, although I’m better about it now than I was in the past. At least I think so. 😊 

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

I would be nervous to do it, wanting it to be perfect. If I did, I would seek out help from a native speaker so I would then get it right and not just rely on the translation feature. 

19. First fandom you wrote for?

The X-Files 

20. Favorite fic you've ever written?

Soulmates ❤️ I spent over a year on that story, off and on, and then six months of writing it every day, with other stories created in between. It’s the one I’m most proud of and the longest one I’ve ever written. 

I'm tagging @tofuttim @agent-troi and anyone else who feels like playing.

[ace-aro-queerplatonic-positivity]

I have been rather inactive (read: not checking on any of my blogs) on tumblr for a bit

Uh, June is kinda stressful and my college has exam-season and I still haven’t really studied and blah

But I’m fine and I’m actually making some progress in my novel (re-write) …instead of any of the open fanfics I have going on

Uuuhmm, yah. Do not ask about my real life anxieties and stifling fear of failure :)

I’m fine, just inactive ✌️

[smilesstardust]

Just teacher things: moderating 8 year olds reenacting early internet Harry Potter shipping discourse while trying not to give away how into the fandom I was when I was 12. On top of trying not to encourage their consumption of the terf but not discouraging their engagement with books.

Desperately trying to get them into books that don’t raise my blood pressure when discussed in class.

[princessofmerchants]

"Nesta began."

Nesta Week 2024 ~ Day 2: Metamorphosis ~ @nestaarcheronweek

{a short meta about ACOSF Ch. 50 meant to capture a little of my thinking about the most significant metamorphosis Nesta undergoes in her story}

My experience of reading ACOSF Ch. 50 is one of metamorphosis: both as a reader because I am transformed every time I read it, and in seeing Nesta undergo the most essential, vital transformation of her life so far, during the span of this scene.

It isn't caused by magic, or trauma, or things happening to her in the plot.

Instead, it's the transformation from someone who does not believe themselves to be worthy of love, into someone with the bravery to try to believe they are.

Cassian drew the Illyrian blade from down his back. It gleamed with moonlight as he extended it to her hilt-first. “Take it.” Blinking, eyes still puffy with tears, she did. The blade dipped as she wrapped her hands around it, as if she didn’t expect its weight after so long with the wooden practice swords. Cassian stepped back. Then said, “Show me the eight-pointed star.” She studied the blade, then swallowed. Her features were open, fearful but so trusting that he nearly went to his knees. He nodded toward the blade. “Show me, Nesta.” Whatever she sought in his face, she found it. She widened her stance, bracing her feet on the stones. Cassian held his breath as she took up the first position. Nesta lifted the sword and executed a perfect arcing slash. Her weight shifted to her legs just as she flipped the blade, leading with the hilt, and brought up her arm against an invisible blow. Another shift and the sword swept down, a brutal slash that would have sliced an opponent in half. Each slice was perfect. Like that eight-pointed star was stamped on her very heart. The sword was an extension of her arm, a part of her as much as her hair or breath. Every movement bloomed with purpose and precision. In the moonlight, before the silvered lake, she was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen. Nesta finished the eighth maneuver, and returned the sword to center. The light in her eyes shone brighter than the moon overhead. Such light, and clarity, that he could only whisper, “Again.” With a soft smile that Cassian had never seen before, standing on the moon-washed shores of the lake, Nesta began.

This beautiful, vulnerable, powerful moment at the end of ACOSF Ch. 50 comes after the harrowing experience of Nesta finally speaking aloud to her trusted person what she feels about herself.

And of course—I say this all the time—SJM is a romance writer, which means Nesta's trusted person, Cassian, is who she finally cracks herself wide open with. I believe Nesta would not have been capable of finally voicing these things if not for the trust and care that had grown between her and Cassian, as both friends and lovers, leading up to this scene.

And his response to what she says about herself helps her to see light and hope again by persistently reframing her own jagged (mis)understanding of herself and her capability as instead an experience that can be honored as difficult, then walked through to a better, more light-filled existence on the other side:

"What you feel, this guilt and pain and self-loathing—you will get through it. But only if you are willing to fight. Only if you are willing to face it, and embrace it, and walk through it, to emerge on the other side of it. And maybe you will still feel that tinge of pain, but there is another side. A better side.” She pulled back from his chest then. Found his gaze lined with silver. “I don’t know how to get there. I don’t think I’m capable of it.” His eyes glimmered with pain for her. “You are. I’ve seen it—I’ve seen what you can do when you are willing to fight for the people you love. Why not apply that same bravery and loyalty to yourself?"

And:

“But I still don’t know how to fix myself.” “There’s nothing broken to be fixed,” he said fiercely. “You are helping yourself. Healing the parts of you that hurt too much—and perhaps hurt others, too.”

(I've said this about other scenes in ACOSF too, but I believe in my bones, my heart, and my soul, that this is written by someone (SJM) who has said these very same things to her own person (Josh). I have in fact said these things to my person - "I don't think I'm capable of it" was torn right from my own mouth and life. This is spot on for accuracy about what this kind of breaking open is like for someone who does not believe they are worthy of love where the person who loves them then debunks that falsehood in just the ways Cassian does here. I've said it before and I'll say it again; It's so powerful to see my lived experience on the page like this, y'all.)

There is security on the shores of the lake for Nesta, which is just the set of delicate circumstances needed to allow what we see at the very end of the chapter to blossom:

With a soft smile that Cassian had never seen before, standing on the moon-washed shores of the lake, Nesta began.

The last stretch of this chapter is in Cassian's pov. I love that it is, because the love he feels for her, the depth it expands to in response to seeing her trust, and try, and become who she is meant to be—not a magical queen, but a person who knows they are loved and is beginning to also know they deserve to be—saturates everything about this moment and scene beside the lake.