#I fucking SOBBED when I got my vaccine because for a YEAR I had been fighting tooth and nail to get my parents to get it

[awkward-tension-art]

Ok so @yourgentlegirlfriend got this ask and because I’m in stem, and because I thought Leon was a pretty man, I wanted to write it.

I have never played any resident evil game but when I saw Leon I audibly said “woah mama” so I’m writing Leon as someone who only knows his character through the copious amounts of smut I’ve read in the last week.

Content warnings: Angst, comfort at the end, self-hate, a lot of guilt and shame, Leon being a sweetheart, a lot of science talk, mentions of Raccoon City, swearing, gender-neutral S/O but if I miss some pronouns let me know, reader is a scientist

If I miss any tags/warnings shoot me a message

———

Another failure. Another contamination. Another fuck-up.

Science is a cruel mistress. And you deserve such treatment.

You were just an intern at the time, but you aided in research for Umbrella. In your free time you were the one who came up with the virus. At first it was just an impossible idea, but with funding and resources it could be possible.

You presented to the heads of the science department a plan. A vaccine that could be a ‘catch all’ for every viral infection. The idea was a good one, created with purely selfless intentions. a virus with so many proteins packed into it, the immune system would be able to fight off any virus with even a slight match to the vaccine. It could be distributed to places struggling with healthcare. It didn’t have to cost anything. It could save lives!

But in your naïveté and starry-eyed vision, you didn’t realize how the very people you called colleagues and friends stole your work. Your name would be on the published paper, but your idea became Umbrella’s. It was no longer yours.

Your research, a plan to help the world, was twisted. It was forced to become an agent of destruction. You watched as they ripped out the good and replaced it with their own vile intentions.

You couldn’t handle it. You left, removing your name from the project. You signed a hefty NDA, and walked away.

You were to blame for Raccoon City. So many deaths…so much destruction and sorrow all on your head.

When you found out that Leon, your boyfriend, survived that hell you rushed from the room to vomit and cry.

Bless him, he thought you felt bad for his experiences. He even felt guilty when you sobbed throughout the night.

You felt more than bad, of course. But Leon was your guilt and shame in the flesh. He was proof that your ignorance fucked up the world. You were in love with the man your naïveté and passion traumatized.

He couldn’t know. He couldn’t know that you were responsible for everything he went through.

Even now, years later, you dedicated yourself to a research hospital. Cancer research specifically. No one could twist that. No one could rip out the good intentions of that.

Intentions be damned. Your passion had been ripped away the moment Umbrella sank their claws into your research.

You sank to the floor. Everything began to spiral. You were a killer. You were an agent of destruction. You were evil. A failure. You deserved-

“(Y/N)?”

You looked up, eyes meeting Leon. There was nothing but worry in his icy blue gaze, “hey, are you alright? Rough day?”

You didn’t even open your mouth before you were sobbing. Your heart was racing. Panic and stress were running through your veins. You had to tell him now.

He’ll hate you. Leon will hate you. Despise you.

You are evil.

Evil. Evil. Evil.

“I’m sorry!” You cried out, digging your nails into your arms. In your panic you had shoved your boyfriend back.

His eyes were wide. Concern. Fear. What happened to you? He mentally ran through any scenario that might put you in this state. Could he fix it? Could he help you?

“It’s all my fault.” You sobbed, “everything is my fault!” Your face was in your hands, “I’m a monster…”

“Alright, alright. Let’s talk this through,” Leon began to talk you down, “You’re not a monster. Why would you even say that?”

“Raccoon City!” You shouted, looking up. Your eyes were red and puffy. Tears marked your cheeks, “it’s all my fault!” Your throat closed as you choked on another sob.

Leon furrowed his brow, all he could do was get you on your feet and get you to the couch. Your crying had faded into soft whispers and croaks by then.

But…you wouldn’t let him touch you.

“You deserve better,” there was so much self-hatred in your eyes, “I’m a monster. I did it. I gave them the idea. They stole it from me. They….I was so stupid.”

“Who, who stole what from you?” Your boyfriend was sitting next to you, trying to coax more answers, “Listen, we can figure this out.” He tried to gently reassure.

Your brain was going haywire. Your emotions were out of your control. Was this panic? PTSD? You had no control anymore, “We can’t, Leon!” You snapped, “I destroyed Raccoon City! It’s all my fault.” You shot up from the couch and began pacing.

You told him everything. How you were hired. What you were put to work on. How your idea was supposed to be for good. To help the world.

How it was stolen from you. How your selfless idea was supposed to help mankind but was turned and twisted into something evil.

“I wanted to do good!” You ended up devolving into weeping again. Your legs failed you and you fell to the floor again, “I wanted to help people!” Sobs racked your body over and over again. You even lost control of your own muscles, as you were paralyzed from your own emotional state.

You didn’t want to look up. You didn’t want to see the hatred in Leon’s eyes. You didn’t want to look at the utter betrayal on his face.

You couldn’t….

Strong arms wrapped around you. Leon was on his knees, taking you into a tight hug.

“I’m sorry…” you weakly croaked, “I’m sorry…I’m a monster….”

“You’re not a monster.” He planted a soft kiss on the top of your head, “It’s Umbrella. It’s not you. They broke everything. They were the ones who did this.”

“I gave them the idea…if I just kept my stupid mouth shut.”

“You had an idea that could have helped a lot of people who needed it.” His words were soft spoken. Kind and comforting, “I mean, I don’t know much about science but a vaccine that could be used for all viruses? Sounds like it would have been amazing.”

Why didn’t he hate you? You wanted to ask him that very question. But at this point you were exhausted. Exhausted of the guilt. The shame.

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” He pulled you away to look at you. His hand was at your cheek, wiping away tears with his thumb.

You didn’t see any hate. Only worry.

You swallowed, voice cracking as you spoke, “I didn’t want you to hate me.” Your answer was genuine, “I love you, Leon. And I didn’t…” your throat closed again, holding back another cry.

“Well, I love you too.” He kissed your forehead, speaking softly, “and I could never hate you.” Leon was gentle with you. He spoke gently. Touched you gently. Kissed you gently.

You needed gentle. You were cracked glass, waiting to shatter. But he seemed to be the only one to hold you without breaking you completely.

Leon kissed the top of your head again. His hands were slowing running up and down your back in comfort.

Your behavior made sense now. Your obsession with doing the right thing. Your paranoia over your research. He just assumed all scientists had a degree of ‘madness’ to them. But now he understood.

The trauma and guilt had you in vice. Just like him. You may not have seen Raccoon City with your own eyes, but that doesn’t mean you couldn’t have been traumatized by it.

Umbrella broke the both of you. But that doesn’t mean you were alone in picking up the pieces.

[smileymoth]

 tw death  / cancer / grief

can people stop getting cancer please my mom has had enough things to worry about !!!!!! give her a fucking break!!! she has enough shit worrying about ME bc im a depressed little cunt. we dont need more stressors in her life.

we just got done w my dads grave. 450 for some stone and sand or whatever. and now my uncles wife let my mom know that she has cancer n its in the liver or something. my mom instantly went to complain about the vaccines. how the ufkc do you know. do sth productive instead of instantly jumping on the anti vax train. girlie pop has cancer be sensitive. i know i am very detached because i cant be fcking bothered with another funeral another dead family member. like i have no emotions toward it because my dad dying alreayd took so much out of me and ive lowkey still not recovered. when dad died i didnt really cry until i got a covid scare when i had a full breakdown 2 days after the funeral lol . and nowadays i only cry about my dad in my dreams. its weirdly poetic like that. i only cry for him when im dreaming because in my awake my brains too occupied. idk something something cringey emo lyrics. like just a few days ago i had another dream where iwas sobbing about my dad being dead . its so weird that hes gone man !!! he was JUST HERE but no its been like a year and a half or sth, he died on 28/12/21  so he literally dropped dead right at new years, so we started the new year with a new family of 2 lol.  weird. people need 2 stop dying is what im getting at. stop getting cancer. i know you cant control that but WHY IS EVERYONE RIDDLED WITH CANCER?????????? do *I* HAVE CANCER????? fucking mental  i dont wanna thnk about it. cancer fucking sucks so bad. worst disease

[txemrn]

For the year end asks...

3, 11, 15, 19, and 23

Hey, fran!

Truth be told... I probably enjoy that series a little too much (for obvious reasons LOL)! Thank you so much for sending in these Asks! Let's have some fun, shall we?

3-- Favorite Line/Scene you wrote this year

One of the most memorable scenes for me comes from Chapter 4 from Pour Two Glasses, when Riley asks Drake if he believes in God and the afterlife.

“I lift my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come?” Drake smirks, opening his eyes to stare at the ornate cross on the wall. “My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth.” He falls silent again, chewing on his mouth, Riley’s full attention on him. He nervously looks down at his mindless hand-wringing as he takes another deep breath. “As kids, anytime we had a problem, Moma would say, ‘Fix those eyes to the hills. The Lord promises to help you.’” He becomes quiet again, his eyes rapidly blinking as he sucks in his bottom lip. “Then Dad died.”

Riley endearingly pats his shoulder, tears slowly cascading down her cheeks.

“And–” Drake sarcastically chuckles, forcing away his own sobs, “I looked. I looked, and I fucking kept looking to the hills because ‘he promises to help you.’” He blows out a breath, wiping at his lower eyelids. “Dad was gone… and God was no where to be found.” His jaw becomes rigid, his words cutting like a blade. “The Crown cut the funds almost immediately after Dad died, leaving us stranded. I looked, but there was no help from… from God. And then Moma left us…” He sniffles, his hands casually balling into fists. “She just… left us. And I looked–I fucking begged for God’s help. If not for me, then at least for Savannah. But… ” He shakes his head.

Riley remains silent, taking in Drake’s painful memory.

“But,” his voice lightens, more hopeful, “I still keep looking–as fucking stupid as that sounds,” he laces his fingers together, “I have to believe and look for him–for God.”

“Why?”

“Because the thought of being alone–completely alone in this world with no one to turn to?” He peers intently into Riley’s eyes, his voice softening into a small whisper. “That terrifies me… but the thought that my dad is really gone? That–that I can’t talk to him in heaven–?” Drake chokes up. “And now Liam? And–and soon my… my Moma?” He runs his hands down his face. “I have to believe, Ri. I just… have to.”

11-- The fandom you enjoyed writing for the most this year

You're going to get me in trouble. I will say, I have thoroughly enjoyed writing for Open Heart this year, mainly because of 3 things: 1) I got to spend my time, developing a character and her relationship. As you know, Tatum is an OC, so I literally was making up everything, and trying to mix her life with the convoluted story of OPH. 2) Getting to insert little tidbits of my true passion into my writing has been so much fun. Not that I haven't done this with TNA or TRR (or even my little soiree with WTD--remember Covid vaccines? lol), but it's been a lot of fun writing for a couple of doctors! 3) I got to meet some incredible writers and readers that otherwise, I would've never would've interacted with.

15-- Something you learned this year

So. Many. Lessons... but this one sticks out. Sometimes the higher road is quiet and lonely, but it's the most loving thing you can do.

19-- Any New fics to start next year?

Yes! I have 2 that I am personally obsessed with that I'm hoping to start releasing after the new year (The TNA one I'm hoping to release for TNA AW!).

Like Ships in the Night Open Heart; it's a "series" built of mini-stories of when Ethan and Tatum missed seeing each other during their 15 years apart. If you read OPH, you will notice some popular plot points...

Never Really Over The Nanny Affair; this is a sequel to Once... Always... It takes place 10 years after the end of TNA; Sam and Brynn have recently divorced after she found him having an affair with their nanny. But just because they broke up doesn't mean they stopped loving each other. Desperate to get her back, Brynn gives in, agreeing to give Sam one more chance... on one condition: abstaining for 30 days.

23-- Fics you wanted to write, but didn't

BAHAHAHA! Girl... you already know all of my lightbulb moments, but then I realize I don't have time. LOL You know about my Drake RomCom fics (where I leave our precious Bean alone!). I think I've shared with you my 2 Open Heart Mini-Series Knotted and Bumped. I have to finished Ricochet, though before I can even dive into those because I've got some twists to throw out there.

Thanks again for sending these to me, sweet friend! 🖤

[hazzabeeforlou]

.

[starlessskies94]

Consequence (Joel Miller x OC)

Summary: What if Joel survived his injuries from the Abby and Fireflies attack but ends up with really bad amnesia. He can’t remember his wife, Ellie, or the Outbreak; only before. How will his family bring back the man they once knew?

Pairing: Joel Miller x OC

Note: Hope you enjoy the chapter; please leave a comment and let me know what you think <3 

Chapter Eight

It all started with a note. 

The next they were hightailing across the damn state, all the way back to where their deep dark mess of secrets and lies had started. There was no time to stop and question why Ellie had gone back; there was no need. They already knew. The poor girl was simply looking for answers that everyone else had refused to give her. 

The closer they got; the worse their fear became. The dread pulling tighter up the throat like a noose around the neck. It was like riding towards their own execution for the terrible crime they’d committed, of robbing the whole world of something they didn’t believe they even deserved. Because they didn’t. Not at the expense of Ellie’s life. 

Even now after everything; Joel and Adaline would always agree on that. 

When they finally made it to the outskirts of the hospital; Ellie was sitting alone. The pair barely bother to halt their horses before dismounting and rushing to their daughter’s side. Joel quickly pulling her into a hug. 

“The hell were you thinkin’? Joel uttered. Taking the words right out of Ada’s mouth as she moved to join the two. “Running off in the middle of the night like that…you talk to us.” He continued. “You don’t just leave a goddamn note-“ He didn’t get to finish as Ellie pushed him away.

And Ada knew this was it. Their time had run out and now there was no going back. 

The teenager paced on unsteady feet; her hands fidgeting with her jacket sleeves before finally getting too frustrated and just pushing them back up passed her elbows. It was a common habit Ellie had picked up as she’d gotten older; they’d both noticed. Whenever Ellie was stressed, uncomfortable, nervous or upset; she would fidget with her hands. Whether it was pulling on jacket sleeves, picking at her nails or just absentmindedly running her fingertips across the now hidden bite mark on her arm. Just as Joel did with his watch. It was always fascinating to Ada how much Ellie could be like Joel without even realising it. 

Over the years; the girl had picked up a lot of the man’s mannerisms. Like father, like daughter she supposed. Unfortunately that also meant she had Joel’s temper. And it was certainly a force to be reckoned with. 

The girl continued pacing, almost not daring to look back at her parents. Her mind racing a mile a minute as she contemplated what to say. How to string her words together. The endless list of questions that plagued her for years. 

‘What happened to the Fireflies?’

‘Why had Ada and Joel lied about it for so long?’

‘Was Marlene dead?’ Ellie had a bad feeling she already knew the answer to that one; it had always been an assumption she sort of accepted, considering how loyal the leader had been to her cause. If she had threatened the young girl in any way in order to get her cure; Ellie knew for a fact her mom wouldn’t hesitate to cut her down. Or maybe Joel had killed her; it didn’t really matter now. The Fireflies were gone and so was their precious cure. 

She just needed to know why. Looking back at the rotting ruins of the Hospital; Ellie finally settled on her words before turning to face her family. 

“Tell me...what happened here.” She started with a shaken breath. Resisting the urge to pull her sleeves again as hands began to tremble once more. “If you lie to me one more time, I’m gone. You will never see me again.” She took a breath and it caught in her throat. The air thick and tense, Joel and Ada staring blankly at her with sad eyes.

“But if you tell me the truth, I’ll go back to Jackson.” She promised. “No matter what it is.” It was at that point as her parents shared a look; that Ellie realised she had no idea just what she was promising. 

Her mother took a reluctant step towards her and Ellie had to stop herself from flinching.  

“I...uh…” Ada stuttered, clearing her throat several times before trying to speak again. 

“Mom...just say it.” 

The older woman glanced back at Joel as he nodded woefully. Ada turned back to her daughter; her brown eyes welling with tears. 

“Making a vaccine...would have killed you. So we stopped them.” She said, gesturing to herself and Joel. The older man dropping his eyes to the floor as the shame flooded his face. 

Ellie’s blood ran cold. She gasped out a strangled sob that burst from her throat as it burned. She felt sick. Her chest tight and heavy. The weight pushing down so deep she couldn’t breath. How dare they?

HOW FUCKING DARE THEY?! 

Taking such a choice away from her! Taking away the chance for her immunity to mean something. To make the losses mean something. Her pain mean something. But they had decided to take her away from all that and it wasn’t fair that she’d had no say in any of it. 

She collapsed letting herself sit atop an old box, old equipment the Fireflies had left behind maybe? She didn’t fucking care anymore. She pulled at the front of her shirt in a feeble attempt to give herself room to breathe. But her chest continued to tighten. Her airway closing around the lump forming in her now dry throat. Her eyes streamed with tears, blurring her vision.  

“Oh my god…” She choked. Her hand clutching her chest as her breath became quick and short. Her stomach churned; hands and feet turning cold and numb. 

“Ellie...sweetheart…” The voice was echoed and distant. But she flinched when her mom reached out to console her. Her whole body snapping to her feet as she pulled away. Her hand lashing out to shove her back.

“Don’t you fucking touch me!” She snapped. Ada's lower jaw quivered as she held back her own tears. The hurt was plain and raw in her eyes looking back to Ellie. “I’ll go back, but you and me...we’re done!” She screamed, her eyes narrowing at both Joel and Ada. Ada gasped a sob of her own as she took a cautious step towards her daughter but Ellie was already backing away. “Ellie...please.” She pleaded. “Just let us explain.” The teen scoffed bitterly; she wasn’t interested in anything they had to say. Her nostrils flared in anger, her lip snarled as she shook her head in defiance. 

“I don’t fucking care! I hate-” 

“Hey! Stop! That’s enough!” Ellie's eyes darted to Joel raising his voice as he moved to stand beside his wife, his arms wrapping around her shoulders. Pulling her close as she buried her face into his side. 

“Don’t do that. You wanna hate someone for this? You hate me, okay?” He clarified and somehow the audacity of Joel only made her angrier. “Don’t put this on your mother. It ain’t her fault.” 

Again Ellie scoffed bitterly. How dare he tell her how to feel. Who to blame. They were both at fault for this. She’d trusted them and this was what they’d done?! How could she ever see them in the same way again. “Are you fucking kidding me Joel?!” 

The man sighed heavily, Ada wiping away her stray tears as she looked back at her daughter with bloodshot eyes. Joel was quiet for a second, his eyes flitting back between Ada and Ellie before he finally spoke. “I pulled the trigger, not your mom. You wanna blame anyone then you blame me. Please don’t punish her.” He uttered pathetically. His whole body seemed to sag with sadness and Ellie felt sick the longer she looked at him, she didn’t even bother dignifying his plea with an answer as she shoved passed him and headed back towards Shimmer. Not even bothering to spare them a glance as she mounted and forcefully spurred the horse into a canter and rode away back towards Jackson without another word. 

Ada and Joel watched her go. Both feeling defeated and tired.

The Texan glanced back to his wife when she slid her hand into his and squeezed gently. “You didn’t have to do that.” She whispered. “I wished you hadn’t.” Joel felt his heart ache at the broken look on her face. Her nose and eyes rubbed red from her tears, Her face slightly puffed from the lack of sleep they’d lost from riding through the night to find Ellie. He softly kissed her forehead before dropping his gaze to meet hers. 

“If she has to lose one of us...I’d rather it was me.” He said. “She needs her mother if she’s gonna get through this.” Ada sighed, collapsing against his chest as her exhaustion caught up with her. “She needs you too.” She muffled into his jacket. “We both do.” 

He ran a hand through her hair as he hugged her close. In that moment it hit him just how grateful he was for this woman in his arms. He often thought about his life before Ellie and Adaline and he didn’t like it. There had been no way of knowing how things were going to play out the way they had when they’d met in Boston, but Joel knew without a doubt he wouldn’t have changed a thing. This was a life he’d happily choose over and over. At the beginning after losing Sarah, Joel had given up on the idea of family and love. After losing her, there was no getting it back. But then they’d come barrelling into his life...literally. Ada, eager to protect the young fourteen year old from the strange man forcing his way through the door, with Ellie in toe ready to strike with her pocket knife to protect her then mother figure from harm. If anyone had told him he would then go on to marry this woman, he’d have called them insane. Now he couldn’t imagine life without her. He didn’t think he could live without her. He didn’t want to. 

He squeezed her tight as her own arms found their way around his waist squeezing back in return. 

“Don't worry about me; I ain’t going anywhere darlin’.” He looked down kissing her then let his hands run the length of her arms, taking her hands in his, walking her towards the grazing horses. “Come on, let's head home.” 

Ada didn’t reply as she followed, the two quickly climbing back on and turning towards the same path Ellie had taken. Their horses breaking into a gentle trot. They rode in silence, both afraid of the fall out that awaited them when they returned to Jackson. Tommy and Maria would want to know what happened. If they hadn’t already noticed they were gone, Joel wasn’t looking forward to that conversation. He figured Tommy would understand but he was pretty certain, he hadn’t told Maria the whole story yet. He stole a glance back towards Ada as she rode beside him. But she just looked utterly broken. Her eyes set dead ahead of them, hands gripping her reins like a vice and legs rigid from the panic she’d woken up to in the night; when they'd found Ellie had disappeared. Joel looked back at the path before them. It would be a long ride back to Jackson. He just hoped and prayed that given some time and space...maybe...hopefully; Ellie would eventually understand why they’d done what they had done. And if he was lucky she might even forgive him for it. 

[khaleesiofalicante]

OK I GOT 5 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT WHICH IS PRETTY OK IG (I did stay up to read the fic-) BOTH MY TESTS WENT LIKE SHIT, I HAD AN ANXIETY ATTACK IN PROGRAMMING CLASS BECAUSE BY TEACHER IS A LITTLE SHIT WHO KEPT ON YELLING AT ME WHEN I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND SOMETHING AND I SPENT LUNCH ALONE BUT AT LEAST NOW IM ALONE WITH MY LAPTOP SO YAYAYAYYA

first of all, this chapter right here is my comfort chapter from now on. i said what i said. I will be rereading it again and again just because i can. it was PERFECTION

here's me going crazy at 2 am yesterday.

MAGNUS' CHAPTER

LET'S GO LET'S GO LET'S GO

AHHHHHHH IT'S THEIR ANNIVERSARY

SCREAM

oh

alec shaved his beard because it made him look older

RAFAEL WAS SO UPSET AFTER THE MEXICO ATTACK BECAUSE OF ANJALI RIGHT??

magnus and alec are the oblivious parents istg

“Are you decent?” Max yelled. “I don’t want to be traumatized again.”

“Hey! We agreed not to talk about that!” Alec yelled back.

Im not even surprised at this point

“Happy anniversary, bapa!” Rafael kissed him on the cheek and handed him the flowers.

“Where are my flowers?” Alec asked.

Rafael plucked a rose from the bouquet and threw it at Alec. “Here you go.”

“Thanks, son,” Alec mumbled.

IM WHEEZING

DAVID BAKES

“David made it,” Max said shyly. "

Oh,” Alec replied and then shrugged. “Well, the icing could be a little sweeter I think.”

Ever since Max started dating, Alec had become incredibly protective. Alec liked David of course – it was impossible to find someone who didn’t. But that didn’t mean Alec approved.

And it didn’t help that the blond boy was absolutely terrified of Alec.

ALEC STOP TEASING HIM

THE BOY IS ALREADY SCARED

“I don’t know,” Alec analysed the card. “David used too much glitter.”

“Since when do you have a problem with excessive glitter?” Max demanded.

ALEC

“I didn’t use him!” Max huffed. “He was thoroughly compensated for his efforts!”

“Compensated how?” Alec asked.

“Uh,” Max said. “With donuts.”

when i saw donuts i immediately thought of rose and luisa from jtv

iykyk

but should i continue the show? i got tired of jane continuously embarrasing herself

“You expect us to follow rules?” Alec asked in surprise. “In our own home? On our anniversary?”

The warlock boy grinned wickedly before leaning close to Alec.

“You better do it, or I will tell everyone about your secret,” Max whispered.

Alec blinked at that.

the secret...

I DONT LIKE HOW MANY THINGS POPPED INTO MY HEAD

is highschool musical that bad? i havent watched it. should i?

what if i cried

i just wanna hug alec??? but i cant say it'll be ok because it wont

“Is that why you are not attending?” Magnus grinned at his friend. “Or is it because you are terrified of Georgia?”

“That child is the reincarnation of Christopher Lightwood!” Ragnor complained. “I heard she made explosives out of demon ichor! Who makes explosions out of demon ichor?”

RAGNOR IS PROBABLY GETTING FLASHBACKS

THESE STUPID FUCKING BITCHES

how tf do you think we have survived huh??

medicine that's how

vaccines, anti biotics and what not

stop being close-minded and fucking do it

ok i know the risk is great

BUT OTHERWISE THEY ALL DIE

it was different for warlocks. The Shadow World was their universe. The nephilim kept it safe. At one point in their lives, they had learned to coexist with them, out of necessity and out of obligation.

And now here they were – working together in the name of friendship and love.

how things change...

what

say what

the causes are what

ok let's not jump to conclusions

im fucking crying wtf

alec doesnt deserve this shit

all he's done is make the world a better place

hes worked so hard on this

RAZIEL CAN GO FUCK HIMSELF

what am i supposed to say to my parents if one of them comes to check on me and im sitting here crying at 2 am

He didn’t want to believe in a reality that would punish Alec. Alec who only wanted to do what is good and right.

Alec was who was losing his hope and strength every passing day. Alec who was struggling. Alec who was turning to desperate measures to cope with all the stress.

please alec

no please

THE ANGELS ARE BITCHES

Because if Magnus found out Raziel was the one causing all this pain for Alec, he would march up to heaven and set the bastard on fire himself.

AND I'LL GO WITH HIM

KNEW THE SPY WAS LIVVY

AWW RAGNOR LIKES SELENA THATS SO SWEET

blue and gold

STOP IT IM CRYING AGAIN

The shadowhunter was a good influence on him. Magnus hoped Alec would see it sooner rather than later.

HUH

HUHU

HUH

omg

GIGI GETTING A SIBLING

“Max isn’t allowed to do a lot of things,” Magnus chuckled. “But he does them anyway.”

thats my boi

GASP

]THE NECKLACE

rafael is growing into the consul voice

they grow up so fast

nope nope he's still the little 5 year old

voice cracking what do you mean he's 20

im glad hes happy with mila. or is he...?

Magnus had deduced as much. Alec lived in his beautifully oblivious world. But Magnus noticed.

He noticed the hickeys. He noticed the late-night visits. He noticed the tense phone calls.

well thank god there's at least one non-oblivious person (alec i love you so much but you are very very oblivious)

“What’s stopping you then?” Magnus asked.

"2554 miles,” Rafael chuckled sadly.

me with all my online friends

probably more miles

Magnus tried to do the math but promptly gave up.

me

But Alec did lie though. Magnus pushed the thought away.

NOT NOW

LET ME LIVE IN PEACEFUL OBLIVION

HUSH

“Except melt it?” Rafael chuckled.

“Yes,” Magnus chuckled back. “As you can see, the bar is extremely low in the Lightwood family.”

AHHIUCCDSKUHDCV

i have no clue what the words describing the outfit are

time to google

OK PRETTY

Fifteen years. Fifteen years of loving and Alec still made his heart stutter.

dont do this to me right now I WILL CRY

“What the hell?” Max exclaimed. “Why are you all dressed up?”

“In case you haven’t noticed, it’s my anniversary,” Alec chuckled.

Max-

Fifteen years. Fifteen years and Magnus still took Alec’s breath away.

HJCSDHJBJDHSGCDYGJVVC JHVDFYMJ

it's not funny MY EYES ARE WATERING

“Bapak is a good looking one in the family,” Rafael pointed out. “You are the chaotic one and I am the smart one.”

“What am I then?” Alec asked dryly. “A sack of potatoes?”

“You’re the sexy one,” Magnus grinned. “A sexy sack of potatoes.”

yes.

Alec grinned back and leaned forward. Magnus put his hands around Alec’s neck and kissed him. He kissed Alec with all the love he had inside his heart.

Just like the first time. Just like the hundredth time. Just like the thousandth time.

Because with Alec, every kiss mattered. Every single one.

muffled sob

“Stop making out, oh my god!” Max groaned.

Magnus sensed a pillow coming their way but Rafael caught it before it hit them.

“Max, stop!” Rafael scolded. “You will wrinkle dad’s suit and ruin bapak’s hair! I spent hours ironing both!”

why is max me when i see people display affection in front of me

ALSO RAFAEL HKUIUIDCSKIHUDFVHJDFVHU

“They are here,” Rafael said. “You two better look exactly the way you did when I left with Max or I will raise hell.”

IM SCREAMING

Selena was wearing a blue crop top with the words “MIND YOUR OWN UTEREUS” written in gold.

i need that top

DAVID'S SHIRT IS THE COLOR OF MAX'S MAGIC

AHH ISABELLE DOESNT KNOW SHE'S PREGNANT YET

The argument of “who gave the best gift” had started when Jace and Izzy had gotten drunk on vodka. It didn’t help that Alec had gotten drunk as well. All three Lightwood siblings had then proceeded to have an argument about who had the best spouse. The whole night had been drunken chaos. Magnus, Clary and Simon had let them have it since the Lightwood siblings had a tendency to carry the world on their shoulders even when nobody asked them. They rarely ever let loose ever since their worlds had plunged into sickness and demon attacks. Especially Alec. So, Magnus had let his husband be that 18-year-old boy again. The boy who got drunk and fought with his siblings and sang songs about Magnus’ pretty eyes.

OH MY GOD THE CHAOS

Georgia considered that. “I’m not allowed to melt it, right?”

“No,” they all replied in chorus.

LET GIGI MELT IT

SELENA IM SO PROUD OF YOU

“Dad,” Max said. “Can you keep a picture of me wearing this necklace in your office?”

“Why?” Rafael asked.

“I think it will piss off the boomers,” Max giggled.

“Nice!” Lexi grinned. “A downworlder wearing a shadowhunter heirloom? They will lose their heads. Uncle Alec, you must do it.”

“I will do you one better. I will hang a tapestry,” Alec chuckled.

YASSS I CANT WAIT FOR THE SHADOWHUNTERS TO BE PISSED

AWW THEY DIDNT KNOW THE NECKLACE USED TO BELONG TO MAGNUS

he actually gave to camille first-

Why couldn’t this boy just cause chaos during his travel year like the rest of them? Why did he actually study and do his research as recommended?

why would you NOT study and research during your travel year????

oh shit

well well well

david bby stfu

i love you but pls stop speaking for all our sakes

“Holy shit,” Max said. “It is expensive then!”

“Don’t pawn the ruby!” Rafael warned.

MAX NO-

OH THE STONE COMES FROM EDOM

oh no

pls dont fight

oh so i was wrong about magus confronting him from that snippet

all you need to know is im sobbing right now and grammarly is the only thing making this coherent

dont mind me just

NO I FORGOT ABOUT MAX AND DAVID

GET BACK IN THE ROOM YOU IDIOTS

don't do this to me at 3 am

OK THE DILF PART

thank you for adding light into my life again

(me while editing this: today really isn't my day huh? i just slipped in rainwater outside my balcony because I heard rain and ran there. now my knee and back hurt and I think I sprained (?) my toe-

ANYWAY

wait im gonna go check out the rain and then continue editing this

ok i got bored of the rain)

that made me laugh through my tears

“Objectively good looking?” Jace snorted. “Excuse you, but my parabatai is smoking hot! He is a freaking prize, okay? If we had a magazine for hot shadowhunters, you would be on the cover page. Every single issue.”

“Okay, that’s enough!” Alec interrupted. “Magnus, are you happy? Now all my friends have told me I am pretty.”

“I said smoking hot,” Jace corrected.

“We are not being biased,” Clary pointed out. “It is the general consensus, Alec.”

“It’s true,” Lexi said. “So many people have asked me for your number, Uncle Alec. And I would have given it to them if I wasn’t worried about being turned into a marshmallow.”

LEXI DUHDUGHUDFCUHKVDFUIKFDU

“Dad, I don’t know why you are so worried,” Max said in a bored tone. “You’re a told DILF.”

David choked on his champagne and Jace patted him on the back.

“What the hell is a DILF?” Alec demanded.

“Oh, I know this one!” Jace said excitedly. “It means Dashing and Irresistible Looking Father. Max is right, you are a total DILF.”

“Mr. Herondale-” David raised a hand.

“I heard one of the shadowhunters in their travel year calling me a DILF too,” Jace said proudly.

THAT IS NOT WHAT DILF MEANS OH MY GOD

“It’s not a rumour,” Selena spoke up and passed her phone. “There is a group chat at Scholomance just to thirst after you.”

add me to it

ALL THE COMMENTS I CANT BREATHE

“Alec Lightwood can run me over with a Maserati and I would thank him.”

“Give me that,” Izzy grabbed the phone and started giggling. “Petition for Consul Alec Lightwood-Bane to stab me with his mortal sword.”

“Isabelle!” Alec hissed, cheeks flaming. “Stop it!”

“I want one!” Jace grabbed the phone now. “By the Angel!”

“Read it!” the kids yelled in chorus.

“I would gladly let Consul Lightwood-Bane inspect my mortal instruments,” Jace chuckled and threw the phone at David.

David shook his head vehemently and threw it at Max.

“My body is just a hole for Alec Lightwood,” Max read out loud and started laughing so hard that he fell off his chair.

Lexi grabbed the phone and giggled. “I want the Consul to strip off my runes among other things.”

She passed the phone to Gigi, who looked at the phone and look at Alec.

“Uncle Alec,” the girl said. “This person wants you to crush them with your massive archer arms.”

“Give me that,” Rafael grabbed it now. “Aw, this one is a classic, dad. Alec Lightwood turned me gay.”

He threw the phone at Simon, who stared the screen and looked up. “Uh, I don’t think I can read this one out loud in front of the kids.

“Is this the one about the basement?” Selena chuckled and Simon nodded.

WHAT'S THE BASEMENT ONe

TELL ME

AWW GIGI AND LEXI PUTTING MAKEUP ON DAVID AND MAX RECORDING IT

google translator time

oooo Rafael's gonna talk with Mila

Magnus you're such a good father

seriously

“Sometimes things are just sad. So, you need to let yourself be sad.”

YES

SAY IT LOUDER

THEY ARE UNDER THE BED

AHHH MAX AND DAVID

DAVID CALLED HIM MY ANGEL IN FRENCH

Alec and Magnus hiding under the bed and spying on them is just-

Jace had tried to give Max the shovel talk and had gotten a little too emotional.

of course, he did smh I love him so much

“David doesn’t need a shovel talk,” Alec smiled. “He knows what would happen to him if he hurts my son.”

David gulped. “You will throw me into the silent city?”

“I will ask me husband to portal you to hell,” Alec said �� Consul Voice. “We have relatives there.”

the beloved relatives yes

“Goodnight,” Jace gave them a salute. “Have fun inspecting Magnus’ mortal instruments.”

JACE

OH SO THE QUESTION WAS ABOUT SMOKING

damn it

oh my god guys he said he'll stop smoking

just lemme have this moment

my boy's lungs will be intact

HIS LUNGS WILL BE OK

“I can’t wait to see all the messages on the chat after that,” Magnus giggled.

Alec looked up. “I’m more than a tall glass of water, Magnus!”

SCREAMING

In his dream, he saw them again. But they weren’t smiling this time.

what

wait

THE PROPHETIC DREAMS

nope nope nope

Nah I don't know what you're talking about

haha

damn, I think I really hurt my back...

OK BUT THE IMMORTALITY ANGST???? WAS SO SO GOOD???? I know it makes me cry but is it bad that I'm always so excited for angst written by you because of HOW GOOD it is????

"When I die I will love you from my grave" I NEED THIS ON MY FOREHEAD OH MY GOD I LOVE THESE TWO SO SO MUCH

alright I need to get something for my back and my knee (I'm home alone so this will be fun)

OK, I THINK THE NEXT CHP WILL BE ANJALI'S POV I JUST FEEL IT!!! I miss my girl so much I hope she's doing ok. Jaime too...

I'm rereading all of these chapters after chapter 10 because why not. Bye!!

OKAY I AM GLAD YOU LIKED IT BUT I AM ALSO DEEPLY WORRIED ABOUT YOUR HEALTH.

I hope your knee and back feels better soon!

also fuck that teacher yelling something doesn't make people understand it any better ugh dumb piece of shit anyway screw that person.

I hope you get some good rest and recovery from this rollercoaster of a day.

Take care!

[loxxxlay]

As a longer explanation, it wasn’t really any one thing that made me just ghost tumblr and all of the people I love here on it. :( I feel so apologetic and sorry for just leaving without any explanation and coming back with literally no excuses. 

I think it was a collection of a lot of things.... I think I got too entrenched in the website, and it became unhealthy again (as it did during my previous hiatus). My instincts were just like “you need to take a step back,” and I haven’t really mastered the line between stepping back and ghosting. 

Regardless, here are the many many excuses: a lot of bad things happened that wore me out. Even a lot of good things happened that wore me out. I was in situations that weren’t really great for my mental health (i.e. having a boss who voted for Trump and liked to talk about it at the work place in an at-will employment state).

Highlights of the last year I’ve been gone.

- As you might remember from right before I left, I lost 95% of my in-person social sphere because I believed a child when she said my adult friend had raped her. My remaining friends are wonderful, but they don’t understand the severity of what happened and how I feel about it, and they never will unless they too are survivors. Thus, I don’t feel very close with the remaining 5%.

- My grandma died. My dog died.

- I got Covid :’) It wasn’t that bad, it was like a cold for a few weeks, because I was super lucky. (In fact, both that nasty flu strain a couple years ago and the vaccine itself were so much worse.) But it definitely robbed some of my energy and gave me burnout.

- Because of Covid in general and likely because of burnout from University and from my fulltime job (my first fulltime job ever), I have been unable to write or read since January of 2020. And because of that, I’ve felt so guilty being here, reminded all of the time of everything I haven’t read that I want to and everything I haven’t written that I want to. It was hard to be here, and it was even harder to try to come back.

- Apparently Infinity War and Endgame fucked me up more than I realized. Even just a few days ago, I strongly considered whether or not I wanted to watch the Loki show because even seeing the characters in motion again made me sob (and not in the fun way) for a few hours. The Loki show is good to be clear (with only minor annoyances, as can only be expected!!), but it just reminded me of all the pain I felt.

- I moved out and live in my own space! Which is very freeing, but also very lonely. It was surprising how the lack of background noise can get to me so wildly. It’s hard to use tumblr and to write when I’m constantly, desperately seeking something distracting to go on in the background.

- Working full time is really hard lol. I think I’m getting the hang of it though. I find it to be outrageous that we are expected to do this until we are 70 years old though, and i’m not really sure what to do about that T_T it’s a work in progress. All I can really do is watch movies and play video games after work. The life is being sucked out of me, rip.

- I did get a new job for a lawyer that does not vote for Trump, and I am very excited to start. I already have worked with him in the past, and I know I enjoy it, so July 1st might lessen the burden of full-time employment.

- I found a very intense and liberating love for the environment, and have been engaging really hardcore in climate activism. There is no bad aspect to this. I love it. But one interest means less room for other interests, which is unfortunate, but just what it is.

In other words, nothing really happened except life, and it was just coincidentally very bad for me being able to use Tumblr, and I’m really sorry for leaving all of you in the dark. <3 Where do I go from here? I genuinely don’t know. I’m figuring it out as I go along. 

[bisluthq]

I mean, it's hardly just millionaires doing it. I'm vaxxed and boostered and had gone back into a relatively regular life before Omicron, and it's been so hard trying to lock back down. And we still had a family Christmas because we are all vaxxed and the idea of another one without each other seemed so demoralizing, even with the chance of a breakthrough. I don't know the right answer anymore. But I don't think they're monsters or Marie Antoinettes if they're having a party.

Look the evidence - including extensive anecdotal evidence I have from people who have it or had it just now - suggests Omicron is mild so also like fair enough.

But also “oh it’s so demoralizing not to see each other” is 100% Marie Antoinette shit lmao like I’m sorry deal with it. I’m an insanely extroverted person. Working online sucked for me, seeing people in limited doses sucked for me, not dating in person for this long has SUCKED SO MUCH but like eh whatever I don’t want to pass it to more vulnerable people and like our vaccination rate is still not high enough and boosters are being offered now which is confusing because many people haven’t taken their first two shots and like apparently being vaxxed makes getting Omicron as likely as not being vaxxed so idk besties make your own calls.

I got COVID at my dad’s last year because as I said he wasn’t careful so I’ve had the OG stamp and I’ve also made unsafe calls myself this year like the weddings I’ve been to - all outdoors but still I was 100% Marie Antoinetting there. I was like “me wanting to go to this wedding and my friends or family wanting to do a nice wedding is important to me so I’ll be there” but like?? I’m not proud of it.

Again I’m okay with people doing whatever but you DID just go let them eat cake when you went to that party and own that. Like your momentary pleasure was more important to you than the possible consequences. Own that. Live with it. Don’t fucking sob about how important it was for you to see your family because it fucking wasn’t, people live through fucking wars and make it and your ass couldn’t make it through a motherfucking bad flu. Like that makes you - and me too dw - pathetic. It doesn’t make us 🥺🥺 “everyone can understand this” like no fuck that hate yourself a bit and then we can vibe.

[marcholasmoth]

OSRR: 2486

today was a really good day.

joel got his cast off and is now in a boot that he can take off for things. yay!

graduation was fuckin hot. but it was wonderful! it was at the baseball stadium in manchester, and the graduates (we) were sitting on chairs on the field. in the sun. in black polyester gowns and hats. thankfully there was a breeze, and it didn't go the full two hours i had anticipated it being.

and honestly, it was really cool. when i graduated from UNHM, it was a standard-faire 4-year-university graduation. this one recognized the hard work of each student and the diversity in the graduating class, took pride in it. and that was really beautiful.

but back to the beginning.

directions were unclear tbh. once i found where i was supposed to go, i made my way down a long/ass hill to the check-in point for students. after checking in and stopping by the ptk table to grab my cords, i went to the table next to it, and i was given this envelope. inside was a medal that was placed around my neck by the person handling the packets. a bright smile on my face at my second-ever medal, i went and found my seat on the other side of the field. after a bit of curiosity, i opened the packet. i found a letter inside. the letter was from the school. (obviously.) but what it said i was humbled by.

the letter told me that i had been given the recipient of the academic excellence award for the math and physics department.

i could tell by the nomination blurb that i had been nominated by dr. noah. i read the letter four times, and i looked at my medallion, and i cried. i called my aunt who had called me a minute before and i told her and my mother about it. my mom cried too.

the commencement speaker spoke about her experience as an ICU nurse and as a air force national guard medic helping distribute vaccines. but what i really got from her speaking about her experiences in nursing dealing with covid-19 was that humanity is resilient. people are hardy. we as communities are built stronger than the challenges we face. and sure, shit gets hard. we've dealt with a global pandemic, a wildly and debilitatingly traumatizing event, and come out on the other end. maybe a little worse for wear, maybe a lot worse for wear. but we've come out the other end. we as individuals and as communities will persevere, regardless of what we face. more than ever, i felt that. and that had me in tears.

we had all been given pieces of paper with our names on them and we had been lined up in alphabetical order by seat (i was by where the shortstop would be), and as we went up to receive our "diplomas," we were to give the person who called the names the paper so they knew who we were as they announced us going by. president bicknell handed out the folders and congratulated us each as we went by. as i walked down the first base line, i saw both dr lamontagne and dr eckhardt sitting in the front row of the professors! they waved and cheered as i walked by, and i waved and smiled back. i made a heart with my hands at them, and they made hearts back!! i love them so much. i'm so glad they were there.

we were stopped for photos at first base, and were sent walking back around to our seats.

tassels changed, lots of applause, leaving the field row by row, albeit a little slowly. that was because there were things we needed to pick up on our way out: namely alumni sweatshirts and our diplomas! i walked out with lots of sweat, new cords, pins, a medal, a letter and certificate of achievement, and my diploma. how fucking cool is that. it was so nice to feel like my hard work and stress and consternation was validated, that it was all worth it in the end. because it really was. it still is. and i'm so excited about that.

we went to olive garden after, and my parents gave me a short note and a pandora charm for my bracelet, one with a graduation cap with a floppy tassel on a stack of books. it's perfect.

joel and i headed home after that, him plopping on the couch and me resting a little bit before heading out to paint like any other tuesday evening. i finished up the flamingo i started a few weeks ago for lisa for mother's day! finally. i'm excited to see how it'll turn out. i got to show hannah and casey my medal too! it's so cool. i took a picture of it and sent it to a bunch of people on snapchat, and andrew sent back a message saying "good job Zuko!!" i said, "why am i zuko" and then, "is it because i'm bad at being good or is it because i'm really awkward" and he just sent back, "HONOR" and i lost my shit. just absolutely lost it. i totally didn't even realize that. it does say "honor" on it, so it makes sense but i totally missed it.

after dinner hannah brought out her gift for me. i must include three things: (1) at this point i was very tired, (2) i cry when i get tired, and also (3) i cry over cute things.

so it's no surprise to anybody that i broke down sobbing when i opened this box with a fuzzy stuffed frog with a graduation cap and a flower. like, i couldn't stop the tears. wiping them away just made my face wet. and then i read the card that he was holding, and i cried harder. i managed to cry a little less hard, and then i opened the rest of the box to find graduation socks (more tears) and an envelope that had stickers of adorable animals who were graduating or studying (even more tears). i just cried for a solid like, seven minutes. and then i cried some more when i got back in the car! because what would it be without tears.

his name is harold.

(i even did some homework before obsessing over scheduling for unh for the fall. amazing.)

(and the fact that joel was there with me through the whole thing, even though he doesn't really see it as a big deal, it meant a lot to me that he was there for me. and i'm grateful he came along.)

i'm just happy. time for sleeping.

[dizzeeflower]

astra zeneca covid vaccine side effects - 1st dose

cw/ detailed discussion of medical symptoms, mention of vomit, covid mention

i got my first dose of the vaccine at 10am on saturday 3rd april. it was the oxford astra zeneca vaccine. for the record im 22 years old with asthma

here's an hour by hour diary of the side effects i personally experienced. these side effects are all considered typical of this specific vaccine

side effects hour by hour

the shot: didnt hurt a bit! the flu jab hurts more

in the first 2 hours after the shot i was pretty peppy abt getting rhe shot and made a batch of cookies when i got home but realised i didnt want to eat any, i put it down to not being hungry

3 hours after the shot i had a bagel and felt very nauseous after but didnt throw up

4 hours after the shot and i started feeling random aches in my hips and upper back and suddenly didnt have any energy so i crawled into bed

5 hours after the shot i got a headache. nothing too intense, the kind of headache u get if u didnt sleep enough last night. i also started getting chills despite no temperature drop, put on more layers and crawled under three blankets

6 hours after the shot my entire body started aching. the pain was about a 6/10 altogether so somewhat manageable. also my knuckles started really aching and i thought that was weird

7 hours after the shot i had drunk a litre of water so far which i rlly never do and still needed more. this is when a feverish feeling kicked in, but no actual fever. the body aches were the same pain level but i suddenly had so much less energy that i couldnt get up from bed anymore. trust me i tried

8 hours after the shot the pain was at a solid 7.5/10. i couldnt pick up my switch lite, i couldnt flip mysef over in bed, i couldnt turn my head without wincing

9 hours after the shot the pain was consistent, but my friend made me laugh on voicecall and it hurt so much that i whimpered in pain and started crying. at this point i had an actual fever. unfortunately i dont have a thermometre, but my chest and back and face were burning up. no sweating though, and i had an ice lolly to try to cool down.

10 hours after the shot i threw up said ice lolly and it absolutely killed my body... 8/10 for pain after that. also got some ringing and pressure in my ears but im not sure if that was from the strain of throwing up

11-13 hours after my shot are blurry. The pain got a lot worse at maybe a 9/10. i physically could not stop from crying and wincing and yelling in pain. i wasnt even moving, the pain was just throbbing and stabbing. mostly in my lower back, the back of my head behind my ears, and my hips. i think i got a little bit delirious. i took paracetamol at this point

14-15 hours after my shot i fell asleep for an hour and woke up drenched in sweat. despite the fever, the pain was briefly at a 4/10 which was pleasant. i stayed awake for a while talking to my friend then fell asleep again but not for too long, maybe two hours

18 hours after my shot i woke up again, this time absolutely freezing and shivering so much my teeth were chattering. pain was a 6/10. the site of the injection was swollen and very painful. when i accidentally leaned on my phone with it it felt like i was being jabbed with a needle

19-20 hours after my shot the pain got progressively worse very quickly. it went from a 6 to a 9 again. i panicked a little bit as i didnt have anyone around to help me. (if you are getting the shot make sure you have someone on call just in case u get to this point.) i took more painkillers

21 hours after my shot the pain was at a 7/10 an hour after the painkillers. not pleasant at all, but at least i stopped yelling and crying. my fever was gone but i still felt feverish and was sweating a lot. my head was still throbbing especially behind my ears. by this point id had 2.5 litres of water since my shot - please remember to drink plenty it does help

- that's where im at now, i will reblog with updates -

side note: my mum (49 yrs old, heathy but has smoked for decades) got the same shot at the same time as me literally in the same room. her side effects were later onset than mine (starting around the six hour mark) but they quickly caught up to mine to the point where we were both throwing up at the same time.

the intensity of both our side effects were exactly the same. she was also sobbing and whimpering with the pain at the same time i was (which was honestly rlly hard to hear)

the takeaway

GET THE FUCKING VACCINE this has in no way deterred me from the vaccine or made me regret it, if anything its made me so thankful ive got it because if this is what just the vaccine is doing to me, i honestly cant imagine how excruciating having the actual virus would have been

this is temporary and thats comforting. like it SUCKS im in so much pain, ive not been in this much pain since i had a two week long flu years ago. but this is firstly nowhere near as awful as getting severe covid would be. and secondly its only going to last for a couple days max and its so worth it to know that in a few weeks i'll be helping to stop the spread of this virus just for a few days of fever and bodyaches

please dont let the possibility of a bad experience with side effects deter you from the vaccine. im a complete baby and am terrified of pain and this is pretty scary but nowhere near as scary as my realisation when i was hearing my mum crying from the pain of the vaccine, that i dont know how severe it would have been had she caught the actual virus. i can feel this pain and hear hers and KNOW that it will be over and will make us healthier in the long run. if she was crying from the pain of the live virus, i dont think i would be able to handle it

get vaccinated

[hybridzizi]

Correcting Common Misconceptions About My Year In Quarantine

I'm not sure why there are common misconceptions about me, but all of these are things I have heard from multiple people.

I do not think I was being notably unsafe at any point. Most weeks I only left my house to go to my allergist's office. Once I started tracking microcovids, I was usually under 20 a week. Most of those were secondhand from my housemates. I did a couple riskier things over the course of the year (for example, I went to my mom's 50th birthday party), but I did my best to tell my housemates about it beforehand and we unbubbled for a few weeks so I could quarantine.

I did not bubble with my friends this year. This isn't to say I dislike the people I bubbled with, but I think we are mostly closer to "internet friends" than "friends" even after bubbling for a year. The one I'm probably closest to now is someone I met for the second time during the pandemic. They were all closer friends with my housemate.

I am still waiting for the world to reopen. I have been fully vaccinated for close to two months now. In that time (besides the events that I myself have been hosting in a desperate bid for human contact) I've been invited to a dinner party and two picnics and I've helped someone move. I have not been invited to whatever events you've been going to or hearing about. I've been hosting movie nights and inviting people to use my guest room and wondering when I'm going to go someplace that isn't my house again.

I do not know why Elena has decided I'm scary. As far as I know, the worst thing I've ever done to Elena was ask her to move out of my house when she broke up with me after I had established some other friends would be willing to give her a place to stay. In the last year, I have been kicked from so many online spaces. I believe most of these were for Elena's sake. I have confirmed this fact for some of them and am only guessing for others. I probably spent a week sobbing on my partner (who has been a saint) and repeatedly asking why my friends didn't like me after each one. As mentioned, I was not seeing many friends in offline spaces so every online space I lost access to was painful. Now people are throwing parties and not inviting me because they want to accommodate Elena. Obviously no one has to be friends with me, but if we are friends I am begging you to please invite me to things. I have been suicidal from the isolation since July. I have done nothing to her. If she has a problem with me she can talk to me about it. Please stop deciding that you'll fix our problems for us by only inviting one of us (and the one always seems to be her for some reason) and let us just politely ignore each other like adults.

I'm not mad at you. It's been a really awful year for all of us. I'm sure I let some people fall through the cracks, and I'm sorry for that. I don't blame you for losing track of me when we weren't talking. I realize that you thought you were helping mediate the conflict and didn’t mean to sides in the conflict by avoiding making me share space with Elena. If we were friends when 2020 started, I want to still be friends now. It just got too painful to keep trying to arrange hangouts and getting met with rejection or to watch other people talk about all the cool things they were doing together while I was crying alone in my room. I do want you to reach out. If you want to come to movie nights or language salons you should ask me to add you to my house discord or google calendar. If you have an event you'd like me to come to please let me know. I just want this fucking ordeal to be over.

[randomactsofpigeon]

Personal.  Also like... all the trigger warnings, I’m out of spoons to figure out tags for all this shit. No reblogs please.  This is just a diary post because writing to myself never does any good, but writing in public sometimes helps.

My mother is the most emotionally unavailable person I’ve ever met.  I know the reasons why.  Her father was an abusive POS.  I’m not sure if there was physical abuse because she rarely talks about it, but it wouldn’t surprise me.  There was significant emotional abuse, including that the man had six children but wanted to pretend he lived in a household with none.  She wasn’t allowed to ever publicly express emotion in her own home.  This has manifested as an adult as an inability to understand or express her own emotions, and a profound discomfort with emotional displays or emotionally-impacting negative events of any kind. She will go out of her way to pretend things that very much happened did not happen, because she can’t cope with it.

I have spent a large share of my adult life trying to reconcile how wholly inadequate this was from the standpoint of her child, and how it’s in turn fucked me up, with the fact that she’s an abuse survivor and that isn’t her fault.  

It’s hard to have a mother that has never and will never be there for you, to know you grew up having to cope with literally every last fucking hurt on your own, that you never learned to be excited about anything, or how to share things or ask for help, and NOT blame her.  And then comes the ocean of guilt because blaming abuse survivors is bad.  But these things can be true at the same time: her inadequacies profoundly impacted me and continue to do so this day, and the abuse wasn’t her fault.  It is complicated and contradictory and nuanced and frustrating.  

To put this in context, I fantasized about having cancer for a large part of my childhood.  Because if I was seriously, physically ill, then I might get the warmth, attention, comfort, and support I desperately needed, because then it would finally be bad enough to deserve it.  (I didn’t understand it that clearly as a child; I just knew that being very sick was appealing to me for some reason.  This is years of therapy helping me understand.)

(Also, my dad is a separate post.  For anyone wondering where he was. Long story short present in a physical way, but I’ve literally sat in front of this man sobbing and had him not notice anything was wrong. So.)

But hey, I thought, at least my mom got the basics right.  We were fed , sheltered, and clothed.  She never hit us.  We had medical care and went to good schools.  She protected us.

Well.

Another way in which my family is fucked up is that my sister was molested by our uncle (my mother’s brother) as a child.  She has spent a literal decade trying to work up the courage to tell our “nothing bad ever happens” mother, with the anticipation that she’d probably either ignore or deny it.  Relevant here is my mother still has a good relationship with this sibling (on the surface... more on that later).  She keeps up with him online, she invites him to things.  My sister missed our grandmother’s wake (father’s mother) because he lives in that area and our mom invited him.  I had a contingency plan for if he showed up at my sister’s wedding, because my mom refused to uninvite him.

My sister finally told her yesterday.  

She did not, in fact, ignore or deny it.

Instead, she told my sister, “I suspected the abuse but hoped I was wrong.  Also, he molested me too, when I was a child.”

And there’s this contradiction again.  Because I KNOW trauma fucks people up.  I KNOW THIS.  My trauma is different, but gods, I know how it stops your brain from working right.  

And yet.  

SHE KNEW her bother was a predator.  SHE KNEW THIS. And she still invited him into our lives.  She didn’t abuse my sister herself, but she sure as fuck created the circumstances that allowed it happen.  She put us all in danger.  Knowingly.  Willingly.

And I’ve been trying to understand what on earth could make her do that, and I keep coming up empty.  I mean, how could she do that to us?  

The bar was set SO LOW for her, and she couldn’t even do this one basic mom thing of not exposing her children to a pedophile.  She couldn’t do the one basic brave thing of asking my sister what had happened when she began to suspect.  

I don’t understand.

I don’t understand, and I feel so betrayed, and so furious, and so guilty because I know how much all of this must have fucked her up, because I know that she may never have told anyone about it before.  I’m trying to find empathy and compassion and I all I can find is hurt and rage, that she put us all in danger and my sister, who I love so much, got hurt.  My sister, who I have been supporting through all of this in part because we both knew damn well that she couldn’t go to our mom for support.

And I can’t talk to my mom.  It doesn’t feel fair, like I don’t deserve to feel any of this because I wasn’t in the direct line of fire from our uncle, because I’m just a bystander I don’t have a right to be upset.  And I’ve rarely been this upset in my life.  I could try talking to her, but it won’t do any good.

I was driving home from my covid vaccine today and had a moment where I was tempted to flip my car going around a sharp turn.  This isn’t suicidal ideation (I’ve had that too, and I know the difference).  This is more along the lines of kid-Pigeon wishing she had cancer; I don’t know how to ask my mother to please be there for me, goddammit, please help me understand but feel like she would show up for me if I were physically hurt.  This was the first time in five or six years I’ve had that kind of impulse, so that was super fun.

I’m just... I never had a mom.  I had a caretaker, like someone hired to look after me, and it was just a job she had to do.  And that void is just eating and eating and eating away at me since her revelation.  Because it’s not like you can just go out and get another.  It’s not like making a friend or finding a partner.  It’s just an injury I have to learn to live with because there’s no other option.

And right now I don’t know if I can do that.  I feel like this might be the last straw, the one I just can’t get over and can’t therapy away and can’t stop from hurting.

I need to understand, but there’s no answer.  I want to know what I ever did to not deserve a normal family.  I want to know what I ever did to have to work this hard to just hit some facsimile of being a normal adult.  There’s no answer to any of that.  

I’m just really tired.

[fursasaida]

i can hear a woman sobbing in the hallway/stairwell and it is heartrending. i really want to go ask if she needs help, but for a variety of reasons ranging from language to the spatial conventions of privacy (such as it is) in new york city i’m pretty sure the right thing to do is to leave her to it. but oh my god. i hate this whole period of time, i hate how awful it is for everyone, i hate the relentless suffering. i hate. this.

i was just looking at somebody’s blog to decide whether to follow them, and the first post was about having been to 10 funerals in 2 years. brazil and india are being fucking mowed down and nobody who could do a thing about it is going to. i know so many people who have dead family members or family members in danger of dying, not all from covid--it’s just like everybody who had a black star on the horizon, some illness or something that could kill them, had that star suddenly shoot overhead this year. not even the pets are spared. i have my own damn dead family member. the cops ramped up their ongoing constitutional murder spree for the chauvin trial and they are going to kill and injure and (re)traumatize so many fucking people this summer. i had to turn down my friend’s very sweet offer to come all the way out here to where i live so he could spend one of his iftars this ramadan with just me because i haven’t had my second shot yet and i can’t cognitively process what is “acceptable risk” in the in between stage. people still want to fight about vaccines. crypto is negating what little dents have been made in energy consumption and yet my friends in the group chat have (tiny amounts of) money in it and joke around about the shifting prices. i am staring down a frankly horrific 4-5 weeks of workload and a similarly insane 9 months starting in august, and at best i can hope for a 3-week break in between when until recently i thought i’d have almost two whole months. protest is being further criminalized in 34 states. denmark is expelling its syrian asylees and no one will do anything about that either. the two places i care most about in the world are drowning in layer after layer of misery in a way i’ve never seen, and i have no idea when or if i will ever be able to go back responsibly. i got an email today that may mean i won’t get the summer money i have the past two years, and i am too exhausted to even contemplate how i would go about finding out if it does mean that. fascist zionists are terrorizing east jerusalem.

due to some stuff i won’t go into detail about, i am feeling Alone in a way i really haven’t the whole pandemic until the last few weeks. and this is made worse because the burnout of having been producing writing and intelligent off-the-cuff comments and research plans literally nonstop since fall 2019 is manifesting as an increasing inability to communicate--i can tell that my writing and talking make less sense than they used to, and that people are not always understanding me.

i want my dad.

[kachulein]

The day Tumblr decides to fix its bugs and shit I swear I'll hold a party for all my followers 😭😭 and it's okay!! You don't have to be sorry, I was just worried because I thought something happened to you but knowing that you're doing fine makes me happy ❤️❤️ And talking about my exams... Well, I did my best LMAO I'm still waiting for my scores to be posted because yes my teachers are lazy af and need a whole and entire month to write the scores on the app🙂

Ooohh I've heard so many good things about acupuncture treatment!! My dad took one session to control his anxiety and he liked it quite a lot. What a pity that I'm a coward and am afraid of needles🤡 I'm shaking for when I have to get the vaccine LMAO Everyone be out there being scared because of the vaccine and here I am being scared because of a fucking needle 🤡🤡 And I'm so sorry to hear that you got all the side effects of the vaccine 😣😣 I really hope you're feeling better now❤️❤️ I still have to wait until the end of July/beginning of August to get mine😔 How did your exams go?? I remember you told me the other day you did well on one of them!! 👏🏻👏🏻 I'm sure you nailed them❤️❤️

It's been already 1 year and a half since the last time I could see them😭 Fortunately before covid arrived I could meet them all in Thailand (my uncle lives there) during Christmas because if not it would have been 2 years 😭 And about the ideas of writing... Well... I think I should get banned from watching videos about idols LMAO every time I watch a comeback or something an idea for a fic pops up in my mind and I end up with 382773 ideas on my notebook LMAO

IKR😭 The feelings both of them hold in the song UGH😭😭 It makes me sob🤧

About those two new groups... I just saw the MVs... O H M Y F U C K I N G G O D 🙂 BOWKHLUDQHFIYDQ THEY'RE AMAZING🤩🤩 What's happening with nowadays rookies😭

I've been really into sf9 lately, like REALLY INTO🤧 And actually really into their company groups aka Nflying and P1Harmony 🤧 like have you watched the it's live for Moonshot of Nflying?? HOW ARE THEY SO GOOD😭 And then there's P1Harmony with two amazing albums I can't stop singing and dancing to🙂 what do they eat to be all swaggy and perfect being literally babies? I want to know because I'm older than all of them and all I have done in my life is manage to not burn the kitchen while heating my glass of milk before going to bed🤡🤡

Omg yes right, pls fix the bugs tumblr😭😭😭 and thank you so much for understanding!!😭💖 I didn't mean to worry you :( I wrote a long ass answer and rambled on like always and tumblr just decided to eat the ask, I'm really sorry :(

I hope you're doing good yourself and have you gotten your exam grades already? I'm sure you did amazing!!🥺💖💖 I can honestly feel you so much because it's the same for us as well. It usually takes 3 weeks for us to get our exam results, so I'll probably have to wait another two weeks to see how I've done... I really hope it was good alkfleldksld (and I meant to tell you that I think it went well but I don't have the result yet so I'm not sure yet,,, but thank you so much!!😭💖)

I'm so glad the acupuncture helped your dad managing his anxiety! Anxiety is one of the main reasons I get acupuncture treatments and I slowly start to see an improvement with less panic attacks and being able to handle the anxiety better.🥺 I'm sorry to hear you're scared of needles :( I know it's not really helping but the acupuncture needles are so thin you pretty much don't feel anything.🥺👉🏻👈🏻 And lemme tell you something funny, I had an another session yesterday and got some needles in my butt-😂 I really hope getting the vaccine won't be too bad for you😭💖 I've recovered from the sife effects again and I'm feeling a lot better now and knowing that I'm already protected for around 88% makes me feel a lot more safe, so I hope it will be good for you in the end, too!!🥺 After getting the vaccine at the end of July/beginning of August will you be able to go back home to see your family in August already?🥺💞 And omg, that's been such a long time :( I'm sorry you haven't been able to see them for so long :( You must be so happy to finally be able to reunite with them again. I hope you'll have an amazing time!!🥺💖

Omg akxksso I can see how that's a struggle but I also think it's admirable how creative you are and how you find writing inspiration in everything! That's so cool and something you can be proud of!!🥺 I used to always dream up scenarios in my head when falling asleep and ended up making them into fics😂👉🏻👈🏻

And yes, right!! I agree. I love their voices so much!!😭🥺 And omg yes, these rookies nowadays are so powerful😭😍 I'm really looking forward to their future comebacks.💞 And omgggg although, I don't stan these groups I know them and listen to their songs and I can only agree!🥺 I've just watched the it's Live version for N.Flying's Moonshot and god, it's so good and their voices are *chef's kiss*👌🏻 I also gotta say, N.Flying has absolutely amazing songs anyway! They're often those songs I listen to on repeat.😭😭😭 Rooftop is my absolute fave!!💖 Also fun fact, while answering this ask, I was listening to P1Harmony (Scared - such an amazing song), so I can totally feel you!! And on the age thing🤡 I feel you, again🤡 For me, it's the same with Enhypen. They're all younger than me and I feel like a good for nothing grandma👵 looking at them-😂😂😂

[literupture]

i’m kinda in a weird spot right now. earlier today i was woken up by a phone call from my brother, telling me that our eldest brother (who lived in the Philippines) passed away from COVID yesterday. that news was... awful, but it didn’t break me. We were never close because we didn’t have any common interests to bond over, I didn’t grow up with him, and the biggest factor: he was on the complete opposite side of the political spectrum from me. He was very much lost to the far-right rabbit hole; back in high school I had to hide him from my facebook feed because it was that bad and I didn’t feel like I was allowed to remove or block him altogether because he was family. i didn’t actually remove him from my friends list until last year because 1) I stopped using facebook 4 years ago and 2) i only got on last year to remove people who were tr*mp supporters. during that time he said some real stupid fucking shit to me, like i responded somewhere along the lines of “this is almost incomprehensible” and he lashed out at me for that, which I promptly removed and blocked him for. that was the last time i spoke to him.

my response to the news of his passing was just.. idk. I feel like I kept saying “that sucks” and “oh dang”. and i was being genuine about it, I’m just terrible at words of comfort. i never had a relationship with him so the most i felt was sorry that he passed so young (I think he was early 40s?) and some sorrow over the fact that we weren’t close. 

at one point i asked my brother John (the brother whom I’m actually close to) if our older brother had been vaccinated. this is where it really went downhill. John said that, yes, he had been vaccinated, but he added “and that’s why the vaccine is bullshit. it’s propaganda.” that sparked a long ass debate between us, with me calling out his logic as being ripped directly from faux news (he even said that people asking about vaccinations was felt very “star of David-like” ??? wtf), and the discussion ended up turning into a debate about racism. I had mentioned something being a “systemic issue” and he blew me off for using that word. that’s when i started to get pretty frustrated. when I’m frustrated I start to angry-cry, plus I’m not a very eloquent speaker, which just made me more frustrated, mostly with myself. 

i ended that phone call sobbing and through gritted teeth i told him that i needed to hang up because I was getting frustrated. he told me that was fine, I just need to make sure to pass the news to our mom’s boyfriend via text or email. fine, i could do that, even though it’s been almost 6 years since I cut contact with my abusive mom, and she certainly never cared for her firstborn child (or any of us, really). it was my at my brothers’ father’s request that I tell her, because she had a right to know, even though she abandoned him.

god. i felt so awful. a phone call that was supposed to be about my eldest sibling’s passing, ended with me arguing with my brother and hanging up in frustration. i still feel awful about it.

i did text my brother some time after i hung up, telling him that i was sorry and that i wasn’t mad at him and the phone call didn’t need to go that way. i told him i was just sad (mostly true, but I was more sad that he was spouting such misinformed bullshit).

im feeling a little weird, i guess. sad, yes. bit of emptiness, but not in the same way one would be when grieving their sibling. definitely not the same way i felt when i lost my grandma. i hate that my family is mostly conservative and i feel like i’m fighting a losing battle, one where I can’t even explain why things are important to me without outing myself to them. why does it come down to having to weaponize myself for just a bit of acceptance?

[dragonkitty]

Dear Mom

Hi Mom,

I thought of you today bringing Avery to the vet. I remember when you used to give me shit about it, and we would always say, “well you know she’s old”. And she is. And every damn time they tell me that she’s actually incredibly healthy. Today they told me she’s senile “like people” and I thought you’d be amused. It’s like Jingles but twenty times worse. She just howls! All day. Honestly. And the gabapentin they gave me for her? 250 dollars!!!! Ugh. Dad made a good point that a good vet would have told me. I mean, I like Wakefield though but he’s right.

How’ve you been? I sort of imagine you’re not in any one particular place. I picture you like that weird sci-fi book dad talked about, where you can exist all over the place. Except you just kind of exist. I think you wouldn’t like the idea of watching over anyone, but just being with them. Is that weird? Nah.

Moira got really really awful. I would have called you but fuck… she just says the cruelest things. I think you hoped she wouldn’t. Maybe you didn’t think she would to someone like me. She kept saying I was becoming what you were worried about or whatever. I blocked her. Told dad I did. He told Matt and they both kind of wondered what she wants. I don’t think she wants anything from me that I can give her. Just get tired of being a punching bag.

In that realm, can we talk about that? You were so good at caretaking, or maybe you just didn’t mind it… but I can’t do it. I know you worried about Sofia and Theo, and wanted me to watch over them, but I can’t. And watching out for Dad has been… a lot. I love him, you know that. I don’t regret any time spent with him or looking out, but it’s just been hard as hell. Definitely did exactly what you said he would, though. You knew the man, that’s for sure. I don’t think you told anyone about me, or at least, how I would react. I think you worried but you knew I was strong. I don’t feel strong.

Every day is so hard, you know? I feel guilty on the days when I don’t call your phone, but worse when I put on headphones and listen to your voicemails or your playlists. Honestly I’m super sorry I didn’t give you more credit. You’ve got amazing songs. I wish you played the good stuff. 

I drove to New York to see Dee a few weekends ago. Friend from college, you remember her? You never met her but I talked about her and her kiddos a bunch. Anyway driving there was hard. Longest drive I’ve done in years, probably. Made me glad for the new Civic. The drive back was peaceful, though. I sort of just flew. I even turned off the music for a bit and just sat in the peace and thought about you. I let myself just ‘be’. Mindfulness, right? 

The Dali Lama got vaccinated, by the way! I mean, Dad did, too. But so did the Dali Lama. Dad’s was nice. He tried not to backseat drive. He even walked in and did OK. We got him the shot and he cried, but because you weren’t there. It’s hard to explain the emotion I have with that. Maybe you would have known and if I knew how this would have felt I’d have asked. I wanted him to be happy crying, too. That he and I did this together. Got him here. That we would be able to eat dinner together and see movies. But he was on you. Trust me I get it, I don’t fault him that. I just so wish I could be someone he feels emotionally attached to and I feel like he isn’t. He’s lost in his own brain where you still exist and where the rest of the world doesn’t have to. I’m not jealous but I am sad. 

You know, it reminds me a lot of when he took me to the Isabella Gardner Museum in Boston back when I was a teen. We took the 100 bus to the Orange Line, then into Boston and the Green Line to the museum. I vividly remember how beautiful it was but I remember the look on his face looking around. The light was shining in, middle of winter, into the arboretum. Stunning flowers and ivy and plants and he just stood and took it in. I’ll never know what he was thinking but he looked like what I imagine peace to be. I hope he felt it, in that moment. I think he was trying to share it. You can’t share an emotion, though. But it connected us. We’ve got weird moments. Don’t we all.

Honestly if we’re being real I’m sort of pissed you covered all the death stuff before you died. Everyone out there frets about funerals and financials and all this garbage… you had it covered. It means all I’m stuck with is dealing with grief. And hell I fucking sucked at it. I thought that time off in November would be OK but it wasn’t. I was just so fucking angry all the time. Everything made me angry. In turn, everything made me tired. When I finally sort of dropped in February and crawled to the finish line long enough to take leave, I realized how truly done I was. I’m not sure how much closer to a nervous breakdown you get.

Grief sucks. They don’t tell you it’s always different. That it looks different with different people. I wanted it to be… predictable. Or something I could watch in a movie. I wanted Meg Ryan to be able to show me how to cope or feel like Brie Larson experienced it the same. But no one does. They don’t tell you the guilt looks so fucking weird and wonky. Or that it’s not just ‘guilt’ but like, this uncontrollable urge to fix it even if you know all was already said. And you told me you were going to die knowing I knew everything and that you were proud but god damnit, that didn’t help. We joked when you said “I’m at peace” and I said “Good for you but I’m not.” But it’s true.

The support group on Facebook is nice for that. A lot of people who HAVE experienced this or ARE experiencing it just… talking. Sharing stories. A woman in there thought I was a teen, haha. She said if she was closer she’d have taken me to get ice cream on Friday for your birthday, but instead is going to show her daughter my hair. You’d love my hair now. Went back to funky colors. 

All right. Got a lot of sobbing out and got distracted mid-writing this. People below me keep smoking so much pot it’s driving me nuts. 

That’s life, though, right? At least I’m taking this time off. I told dad if I had the money I’d quit my regular job and just work at Target until I passed out. Give me 60-hour weeks of brain-dead work. Putting clothes away, stocking shelves, ignoring rude customers. I wish I did that. I like a job with purpose but man… I just want a break.

Anyway I’ll write again when I’m ready. Miss you and happy early birthday if I don’t talk to you before Friday. Love you.